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Scene 1 -  A Sister's Cry
1 EXT. WOODS - HALSINGLAND - DAY 1
Hälsingland, North Sweden. We cycle through a series of
beautifully composed midday landscapes. None of them feature
people or human habitation.
A spare Swedish LULLABY plays over this quiet montage. This
is the song of the Hårgas. When it concludes, we CUT HARD TO:
2 EXT. HOUSE - MINNESOTA - NIGHT 2
A beautiful suburban home, bathed in vivid moonlight. The
neighborhood is very quiet.
3 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT 3
A MAN and WOMAN (early sixties) lay asleep in bed. They are
extremely still.
The PHONE rings. The Man and Woman do not stir. After a few
rings, the ANSWERING MACHINE takes it. (Next to the answering
machine is a photo of a family: the man and woman standing
happily with their two teenaged daughters.)
ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
Hello. You’ve reached --
MAN & WOMAN (V.O.)
-- the Ardor residence.
ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
Please leave your message at the
tone. When you’re finished with
your message, press pound.
BEEP. Enter the voice of a YOUNG WOMAN:
YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
Hey mom, hey dad, it’s Dani. Sorry
to call so late. I’m just checking
in to make sure everyone’s okay. I
got kind of a scary email from
Terri and it sounded like you guys
were having some sort of conflict?
Anyway, I just got a little
worried, so call me when you can,
and if there’s anything I can do,
just please know that I’m here.
Okay. All right. I love you.

Beside their bed is a PHOTO of one of the daughters. She
wears a beaming smile.
4 INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - BROOKLYN, NY - NIGHT 4
The young woman lowers the cell from her ear. This is
DANI (25), a beautiful but delicate brunette. (She is the
girl from the photo). She hangs up, and turns to her
laptop. An EMAIL from Terri Ardor, titled “dear dani,” is
displayed. It reads:
i cant anymore - everything’s black - mom and dad
are coming too. goodbye.
Dani stares at this, anxiety rising. She picks up her phone,
hesitates, and then calls Christian.
Four rings. CHRISTIAN (25) answers. The rest of this scene
will be shot in a VERY TIGHT CLOSE-UP of Dani.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 2
4 CONTINUED: 4
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Hi...!
Dani affects a care-free tone:
DANI
Hey sweetie. What you up to?
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Oh, just smoked some resin at Mark’s
and now we’re getting pizza.
DANI
Oh nice.
In the b.g., we hear a young man repeating “hi Dani, hi Dani,
hi Dani...”
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Yeah - he’s saying hi right now,
over and over.
DANI CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Hi Mark! (off-phone)
“Hi Mark.”
DANI
So I was just calling to see if you
were still wanting to get together.
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Oh - did we talk about doing
something tonight?
DANI
I mean, not concretely. I was just
seeing.
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
(ambivalent)
Uh, well - okay. Yeah. I should be
able to swing by.
DANI CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
All right...! Yeah. Okay... How’s the
sister situation?
DANI
Well...I’ve now sent her three
emails and still no response. I’m
starting to get a little nervous.
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
I’m sure it’s fine.
DANI CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Yeah. Probably. I hope so. She does this every other
day, Dani. And only because
you let her.
DANI CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Well, I don’t LET her. She’s
bipolar. I know, but you do, though,
babes. You go straight to
crisis mode.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 3
4 CONTINUED: 4
DANI
Well - but she’s my sister. And even
you admit this last email was
different...
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Okay, but is it, though? It’s still
another clear ploy for attention -
just like every other panic attack
she’s given you.
Dani looks like she wants to argue with this. She stifles it.
DANI
Okay. Yeah. You’re right. You are
right.
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
The more you respond, the more she’s
encouraged to keep this crap up.
DANI
No, I do know you’re right. I just
needed to be reminded. Thank you.
I’m really lucky to have you.
CHRISTIAN (V.O.) DANI (CONT'D)
Me too. I love you.
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
...So do I.
DANI
Okay. See you later?
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
Yup.
DANI
Okay. “Bye Mark!”
CHRISTIAN (V.O.)
“Bye Mark.”
DANI
All right. Love you. Bye.
Dani hangs up. Her eyes are wide with insecurity.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The scene opens with tranquil Swedish landscapes, transitioning to a quiet Minnesota home. Dani, a young woman, leaves a worried message for her parents after receiving a troubling email from her sister, Terri. In her Brooklyn apartment, Dani stares at the email, which reads, "i cant anymore - everything’s black - mom and dad are coming too. goodbye." She calls her boyfriend, Christian, trying to mask her anxieties, but her worry is evident. Christian reassures her that Terri is just seeking attention, but Dani remains unconvinced. The scene ends with Dani, her eyes wide with insecurity, left grappling with her anxieties about her sister and the unanswered questions in her cryptic message.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and themes of the story, introduces key characters, and creates intrigue for the audience. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dynamics, communication breakdowns, and underlying tensions is well-executed in this scene. It sets up the central conflict and themes of the screenplay.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the phone conversation between Dani and Christian, revealing key information about the characters and their relationships. The scene sets up potential conflicts and tensions that will drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on family dynamics and mental health issues, portraying them with sensitivity and depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed through their dialogue and actions in the scene. Dani is portrayed as caring and anxious, while Christian is more dismissive and pragmatic. Their dynamic sets up potential conflicts and character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential growth and development for Dani and Christian as they navigate their family dynamics and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate her relationship with her sister and seek reassurance from her partner. This reflects her need for validation and support in dealing with family issues.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to reach out to her partner for comfort and discuss her concerns about her sister's behavior. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing family dynamics and seeking emotional support.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the communication breakdown between Dani and her sister. There is also tension between Dani and Christian, hinting at potential conflicts to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces internal and external challenges in navigating her family dynamics and seeking support. The uncertainty of her sister's behavior adds a layer of complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of family relationships and potential conflicts. The scene sets up potential dangers and tensions that will impact the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key relationships, conflicts, and themes that will drive the narrative. It sets up potential plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the nuanced character interactions and emotional conflicts that unfold. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how the protagonist will navigate her family issues and relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's approach to dealing with her sister's mental health issues. There is a tension between enabling behavior and setting boundaries, reflecting differing values of support and tough love.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of worry, love, and insecurity in the characters and the audience. The emotional stakes are high, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is natural and engaging, revealing important information about the characters and their relationships. It sets up conflicts and tensions that will drive the story forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable themes, realistic dialogue, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the characters' personal struggles and relationships, creating a sense of empathy and investment in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of introspection and character development. The tight close-up shots enhance the intimacy and intensity of the dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character cues. The visual descriptions and dialogue are well-balanced, enhancing the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively transitions between locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The opening montage feels unnecessary and slows down the pace of the story. It doesn't introduce anything particularly relevant or intriguing about the Hårgas, and instead, could be used to show Dani's internal anxieties.
  • The scene in Minnesota with the parents feels expositional and doesn't move the plot forward. It's better to show the conflict between Dani and her sister, rather than just stating it.
  • The dialogue between Dani and Christian is overly expository. Their conversations feel more like a summary of the character's traits and their relationship dynamics than actual, organic dialogue.
  • Dani's anxieties and fears about her sister aren't explored fully. While she expresses worry, she readily accepts Christian's reassurances, which undermines the impact of Terri's email.
  • The use of voiceover for Christian's lines feels unnatural and hinders the scene's flow. It creates a sense of distance between the characters and their conversation.
  • The close-up shots of Dani throughout the scene feel repetitive and lack variation. It would be more effective to use close-ups strategically to emphasize specific emotions or reactions.
Suggestions
  • Replace the opening montage with a scene that introduces Dani's character and her anxieties. Perhaps she's on her way to work, and a memory of Terri's disturbing email flashes through her mind.
  • Consider showing the conflict between Dani and Terri through flashbacks or a montage of their relationship, instead of solely relying on exposition.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Dani and Christian to be more organic and less expository. Let their anxieties and concerns emerge through their interactions and reactions to each other.
  • Give Dani more agency in her worry. Don't let Christian easily dismiss her concerns. Show her internal struggle between trusting his assessment and her own gut feeling.
  • Eliminate the voiceover for Christian's lines and instead show their conversation through dialogue and reaction shots. This will create a more immersive and intimate feel.
  • Use a variety of camera angles and shots to vary the pacing and visual interest of the scene. Don't rely solely on close-ups.



Scene 2 -  Distant Cry
5 INT. KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER 5
Dani stands in the kitchen, mid-phone conversation.
FRAUGHT. She paces when she’s not speaking.
DANI
It’s just in his tone - you can hear
it. It’s like he’s trying to work up
the nerve to say something.
GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
So be direct! Confront him!

Dani has opened a cabinet to pull out a pill bottle.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 4
5 CONTINUED: 5
DANI GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
Well - what if I scared him?
I’m always roping him into my
family crap... Oh - how do you rope him in?
I’m always leaning on him!
I even called him today in That’s what he’s there for!
tears because my sister sent
me another scary email. What
if I’m scaring him off?

Dani swallow one of the pills.

GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
What did your sister write?
DANI
Oh - just some ominous bullshit! She
does it all the time! It’s torture,
and I’ve been completely leaning on
him for support! What if I
overwhelmed him and now he thinks I
have too much baggage?
Dani returns the prescription bottle. The label reads ATIVAN.
GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
Well, if that’s the case, then good
riddance! Right?
DANI
No! Not if I went too far! What if
I leaned too heavily?
Dani has returned to her laptop.
GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
You didn’t! He should be there when
you need him.
Dani begins hastily composing an EMAIL to her sister Terri.
DANI GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
But what if I need him too
often? If it becomes a chore? Then he's not the right guy.
Because it shouldn't ever be
a chore. Would it be a chore
if he leaned on you?
Dani breaks from writing to respond:
DANI
But he never asks for anything from
me! I've never even seen him cry!
So I'm the only one leaning!
GIRLFRIEND (V.O.)
Or the only one opening up! The
only one making yourself
vulnerable. That's intimacy.
As the friend says that, Dani finishes typing. Her email
reads: "PLEASE write me back, Terri. You can't just write me
something like that and then disappear. I’m worried sick.
Please write back. Please."
Dani’s phone beeps with an INCOMING CALL. It’s an UNKNOWN
NUMBER.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 5

6 INT. PIZZA PARLOR - NEW YORK, NY - NIGHT 6
A grubby pizza parlor. Outside the window looms a purple NYU
sign.
CHRISTIAN, very handsome and fit, sits at a booth. Beside him
are his friends MARK (26, droll, shaggy hair), JOSH (27, a
skinny, sometimes snobbish academic), and PELLE (26), a nice-
looking Swedish exchange student. Pelle doodles on his napkin
(drawing the flowers on the table).
Mark is currently lecturing a despondent Christian, who
begins with his face in his arms (on the table).
MARK
Dude: you need to stop sitting on
the fence with this.
CHRISTIAN
But what if I end up regretting it
and then I can’t get her back?
MARK CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
You don’t want her back! I might!
MARK
So then you can bitch to us for that
day about how much you regret it,
and we'll remind you AGAIN that
you’ve been wanting out of this
stupid relationship for the last
year, and then you can find some new
chick who actually likes sex and who
doesn’t drag you through a million
hoops a day.

Christian is thinking about this. Extremely conflicted. Josh
takes a break from reading his dog-eared copy of Primitive
Mentality (by Lucien Lévy-Bruhl) to ask:
JOSH
Do you think a masochistic part of
you might be playing out this drama
to distract you from the work you
actually need to be doing?
CHRISTIAN
(prepared to be offended)
And what work do I actually need to
do, Josh?
JOSH
(quietly, almost to
himself)
Your prospectus maybe? Your PhD...?
Christian clearly doesn’t want to be told his priorities by
Josh. Before he can snap back, an attractive WAITRESS (early
20s) brings over the check.
WAITRESS
Whenever you guys are ready.
PELLE
(with Swedish accent)
Thank you.
She SMILES -- at Christian.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 6
6 CONTINUED: 6
WAITRESS
Thank you.
She HOLDS the smile with Christian and walks bashfully off.
Mark definitely caught that.
MARK
Dude. You could be getting that
girl pregnant right now.
PELLE MARK (CONT'D)
And don’t forget all the
Swedish women you can
impregnate in June. Yeah, dude - don’t forget all
the Swedish milkmaids.
Christian’s PHONE rings. He checks. It’s DANI. He deflates.
MARK (CONT’D)
Who is that?
Christian doesn’t respond.
MARK (CONT’D)
That’s not her again? Seriously?
Christian lets the call go.
MARK (CONT’D)
That’s ridiculous, dude. She needs
a therapist.
CHRISTIAN
She has one.
MARK
So she should call him! That’s
insane, dude. She’s using you.
The phone starts ringing again. Christian checks it. “Dani
again.”
MARK (CONT’D)
Oh my God.
Christian answers. He rises from the booth to get some
privacy.
CHRISTIAN
Hello?
On the other end: an extended, agonized MOAN.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Dani?
DANI (V.O.)
(distantly)
...no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
CHRISTIAN
Sweetheart? What’s going on?
But now there’s only heavy, frightening CRYING on the other
end. It’s a deep, horrible cry. One of pure animal grief.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 7
6 CONTINUED: 6
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
(now scared)
What’s happening, baby? Please talk
to me.
The crying has curdled into a sustained WAIL OF ANGUISH.
Genres: ["Drama","Relationship"]

Summary Dani, consumed by anxiety about her relationship with Christian, calls her girlfriend for support. She worries she's pushing him away and takes an Ativan to calm down. Meanwhile, Christian, at a pizza parlor with friends, grapples with their advice to break up with Dani. As he considers their words, his phone rings – it's Dani. He answers, only to be met with a deep, terrifying cry that leaves him shaken and unsure of what to do.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional portrayal
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Deep exploration of relationships and mental health
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slightly predictable emotional beats

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, drawing the audience into the characters' intense emotional states and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complexities of relationships, family dynamics, and mental health through intense emotional scenes is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters' emotional turmoil deepens, setting the stage for further developments in their relationships and personal struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on relationship dynamics and emotional vulnerability, with authentic dialogue that captures the complexities of human connection.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional depth is effectively portrayed, making them relatable and engaging for the audience.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and introspection, leading to potential changes in their relationships and personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, is grappling with feelings of insecurity and fear of overwhelming her partner with her emotional baggage.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate her relationship dynamics and communication with her partner.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, intensifying the emotional turmoil and driving the characters' actions and decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is primarily internal, with the protagonist facing emotional challenges and self-doubt.

High Stakes: 9

The high emotional stakes, intense conflicts, and personal struggles faced by the characters make the scene gripping and impactful.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional conflicts and setting the stage for further developments in the characters' relationships and personal struggles.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and emotional revelations, but the raw emotion and vulnerability add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the balance between vulnerability and self-sufficiency in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through the raw and intense portrayal of the characters' anguish, fear, and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, relatable character struggles, and intimate dialogue that draws the audience into the characters' personal lives.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional tension and character dynamics.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit clunky and exposition-heavy. It relies too much on voiceover and dialogue to convey Dani's anxieties, rather than showing them through action and behavior.
  • The scene is too focused on Dani's anxieties and struggles, making Christian seem passive and one-dimensional. He's mainly there to listen and offer reassurance, which feels somewhat clichéd.
  • The pizza parlor scene feels unnecessary. It's a typical "boys night out" scenario that doesn't advance the plot or provide any new insights into the characters.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the audience hanging. The sudden shift to Dani's disturbing cry, without any context or explanation, feels jarring and disorienting.
  • The voiceover feels unnatural and repetitive. It's constantly summarizing Dani's thoughts and feelings, which could be conveyed more effectively through visual storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Show Dani's anxieties through actions and behavior. Instead of constantly stating her worries, show her pacing, fidgeting, or engaging in nervous habits.
  • Give Christian a more active role in the scene. Instead of just listening, have him react to Dani's anxieties in a more engaging way. Perhaps he tries to offer a different perspective or express his own concerns about her emotional state.
  • Consider removing the pizza parlor scene or integrating it with another scene to make it more impactful. Perhaps Christian could be on the phone with his friends while dealing with Dani's anxieties, creating a tension between his personal and professional life.
  • Build suspense and mystery around Dani's cry. Instead of revealing the cause immediately, leave the audience wondering what happened. This will create a sense of intrigue and encourage them to keep watching.
  • Limit the use of voiceover. Focus on showing Dani's emotions through visuals and dialogue, allowing the audience to draw their own conclusions.



Scene 3 -  Unraveled Ties
7 INT. GARAGE - MINNESOTA - NIGHT 7
The house from the beginning (scene 2).
Two CARS are parked. Their engines hum quietly. A FIREFIGHTER
opens one car’s door and turns OFF the ignition.
We now reveal that the end of a GARDENING HOSE has been
taped to one car’s EXHAUST PIPE. A second hose has been
taped to the other car’s exhaust pipe. Both hoses TRAIL out
of the garage and INTO the house...
8 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 8
One gardening hose leads to a BEDROOM DOOR. The door is now
open, but the end of the hose has been TAPED to the bottom...
9 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 9
The bedroom of the sleeping MAN and WOMAN (in their 60s, from
the beginning). It is very clear now that they are DEAD.
Two police officers survey the room.
HARD CUTS to the man and woman being ZIPPED UP into body bags.
10 INT. TERRI’S BEDROOM - SAME TIME 10
TERRI (24), Dani’s sister, sits on the floor of her bedroom,
beside her desk. The end of the other gardening hose has been
DUCT-TAPED TO HER MOUTH. A mess of vomit has dried around the
edges of the hastily applied tape.
On Terri’s desk: her LAPTOP. It is open to the EMAIL THREAD
between her and Dani. In the bottom right corner of the
screen: “3 New Messages from Dani Ardor.”
11 EXT. STREET - BROOKLYN, NY - NIGHT 11
Dreamy snowfall in Brooklyn.
Christian, bundled up in layers, RUNS down the street. He’s
approaching DANI’S BUILDING, but even as he rushes, he’s not
going as fast as he possibly could. There’s an ambivalence in
his stride.
He enters the front door of Dani’s building.
12 INT. DANI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 12
Wide on the LIVING ROOM. We’re centered on the COUCH, where
Christian sits. Dani has crumbled there, her head shaking
violently against Christian’s lap as she WEEPS. Behind them:
a WINDOW showcases snowfall against the dark night.
Dani’s sobs are possessed of a profound despair. It’s so
intense that it looks painful - dangerous even.
We are pushing in on this, toward them. Christian’s eyes are
wide with worry. A worry that goes beyond Dani’s well-being.
He stares into space, imagining a future that he’s being
chained to. He looks TRAPPED.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 8
12 CONTINUED: 12
We continue pushing toward them until we have pushed PAST
them. The window behind them FILLS our frame.
Through the window - HEAVY SNOW raging in a black vacuum. We
hold on this as our OPENING CREDITS ROLL, accompanied by
intense, groaning score.
After the credits, we SLAM CUT TO:
DAYLIGHT. We are still looking out the window, but it’s now
late afternoon. LATE SPRING.
13 INT. DANI’S BEDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON - 6 MONTHS LATER 13
Dani lies on her bed, fully clothed. Her eyes are numb as she
stares at the wall.
A KNOCK at the door. A well-dressed Christian pops his head
in. He’s grown a beard since we last saw him.
CHRISTIAN
Hey babers. How we feeling?
DANI
(looking to him)
Hey.
(sitting up)
I’m up.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
I’m just going to that party
for like 45 minutes. You
should keep sleeping. Oh - I’ll come with you...!
CHRISTIAN
(hesitates)
You sure you got enough rest?
DANI
I wasn’t sleeping anyway.
Christian pauses briefly, as if this clashes with his
plans.
CHRISTIAN
Okay, great. I’ll just be at the
door.
DANI
Okay. I’ll just get dressed.
Christian nods for a little too long, then “smiles” and
leaves the room. Dani rises. Stands for a moment. Heavy.
14 INT. APARTMENT - EVENING 14
A PARTY in a brownstone full of circulating twenty-
somethings.
Dani stands with Christian, who chats with Josh, Mark
(holding two beers), Pelle, and a stoned HIPSTER GUY (26).
HIPSTER GUY
I’m fucking dreading the summer.
Stuck in shit-ass Boulder while my
dad watches Law & Order all day.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 9
14 CONTINUED: 14
PELLE
(to Mark)
You have to work at your mom’s shop
when we all get back from our trip,
right?
Dani squints with curiosity. Christian suddenly looks
nervous.
HIPSTER GUY
Oh - you guys are going somewhere?

JOSH PELLE
To Sweden! Hälsingland.
MARK
Mr. Pelle’s invited us for an
authentic hippie midsummer at his
yodeling farm.
Dani has PAUSED. She hadn’t heard this before.
DANI
...Oh yeah?
Dani turns to Christian, who now looks semi-panicked.
CHRISTIAN
I mean, yeah, we were thinking
about maybe - we were talking
about it.
DANI
For when?
Dani feigns casualness as she looks inquiringly to the guys.

JOSH MARK
...Mid June to late July? In two weeks.
CHRISTIAN
I mean, if we even go. I probably
won’t. We were just talking about
it.

Mark, Josh and Pelle stand awkwardly, confused. Christian
clearly hasn’t been honest with Dani.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary The scene opens with a horrifying discovery: a couple and their daughter found dead in their home, poisoned by carbon monoxide. We then see the same fate befall Dani's sister, Terri. Six months later, Dani, still deeply grieving, is in her Brooklyn apartment, seeking solace in Christian's arms. Despite his attempts to comfort her, a secret hangs heavy in the air: Christian has kept a trip to Sweden for a midsummer festival from Dani. When she learns of this hidden plan, it creates tension and doubt about the future of their relationship.
Strengths
  • Strong visual storytelling
  • Emotional depth
  • Effective use of juxtaposition
  • Tight pacing enhancing tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue may hinder character connection for some viewers
  • Relies heavily on visual and contextual clues which may confuse viewers not tuned in

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through visual storytelling and stark contrasts, showcasing the gravity of the situation while elevating the stakes between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept blends personal struggle with tragedy, creating a compelling narrative device that intertwines character development with a shocking discovery.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses significantly by revealing the dark fate of Terri and establishing the emotional context for the protagonists, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original approach to exploring grief and emotional pain, as well as the dynamics of a troubled relationship. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dani's emotional state is palpable, demonstrating a complex relationship with her sister and boyfriend, while Christian's internal conflict adds significant depth.

Character Changes: 8

Dani's breakdown indicates a significant shift in her mental state, while Christian's hesitation illustrates his conflict regarding commitment and responsibility.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the profound despair and pain she is feeling after a tragic event. She is struggling with her emotions and trying to find a way to cope with her grief.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to attend a party with her partner, Christian, and try to maintain a sense of normalcy despite the overwhelming grief she is experiencing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict stems from external situations (suicide) and internal (emotional distress), driving the narrative tension and character actions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from both internal and external sources. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate their challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extraordinarily high, involving life and death decisions, impacting not just Dani and Christian, but the overall family dynamic.

Story Forward: 9

The discoveries in this scene propel the narrative into deeper emotional territory, paving the way for character development and future plot points.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the complex and conflicting emotions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between honesty and deception evident in this scene. Christian's lack of honesty with Dani about their plans for a trip to Sweden creates tension and highlights the importance of communication and trust in a relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The juxtaposition of grief and panic creates a heavy emotional toll that resonates strongly with the audience, enhancing the scene's impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue, though sparse, is filled with emotional weight and subtext, revealing character motivations and the unraveling of their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, suspenseful atmosphere, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through a series of interconnected events.


Critique
  • The scene jumps around too much. It’s difficult to follow the emotional arc because it’s constantly cutting to new settings and characters, making it feel disjointed.
  • The pacing is uneven. Some scenes, like the discovery of the bodies, are incredibly quick, while others, like the introduction of the Swedish trip, drag on.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth. The deaths are presented in a graphic and detached manner, without much emotional impact. Dani’s grief feels forced and the audience doesn't get a chance to feel the weight of her loss.
  • The scene doesn't adequately establish Dani’s emotional state. We know she's upset, but we don't understand the full extent of her grief and why she’s crying. It's not clear how the deaths of her family members are affecting her.
  • The scene doesn't effectively establish Christian's character. We know he's trying to reassure Dani, but it's unclear whether he's being genuine or manipulative. The scene doesn't give him any depth.
  • The scene introduces the Swedish trip too abruptly. It feels like a sudden plot point that isn't organically connected to the rest of the story.
  • The final lines of the scene feel unearned. The shift to a more upbeat tone and the introduction of the Swedish trip feel jarring and out of place.
  • The dialogue in the scene lacks character and nuance. The characters are too expository and don’t really express their thoughts and feelings in a compelling way. Christian’s dialogue doesn’t ring true.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one location for a longer period. For instance, focus on Dani’s grief in her apartment instead of cutting to the police finding the bodies. This will allow the audience to feel her emotional journey.
  • Allow the audience to feel the impact of the deaths. Show Dani’s grief in more realistic ways. For example, she could be struggling to sleep, avoiding contact with others, or constantly checking her phone for updates.
  • Use dialogue to reveal Dani’s emotional state. Instead of simply stating that she’s upset, have her talk about her feelings, express her fear or confusion, or have her voice break when she speaks.
  • Make Christian’s character more complex. Give him a back story. Show him struggling with his own feelings. Have him make a mistake and show him trying to make amends.
  • Establish the Swedish trip more gradually. Instead of introducing it so abruptly, hint at it earlier. For example, Dani could be looking up photos of Sweden, or Christian could mention something about a friend who lives there.
  • Rework the scene ending. End the scene on a note that reinforces the emotional impact of the deaths. For example, Dani could have a flashback to a memory of her family, or Christian could realize the gravity of Dani’s loss.
  • Give the characters more agency. Make their choices feel natural and motivated. Use their actions and dialogue to reveal their personalities and motivations.
  • Give the characters more realistic and natural-sounding dialogue.



Scene 4 -  A Sudden Departure and an Unexpected Offer
15 INT. LYFT CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT 15
Dani sits in the back seat of a Lyft car. Christian sits in
the front passenger seat.
Dani’s eyes are BUSY with nagging, paranoid thoughts.
Christian, very tense, turns to look back at Dani. He forces
a casual “hey” smile. Ambivalent, she “smiles” back.

16 INT. DANI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 16
The door opens. Christian and Dani enter. Christian goes to
his laptop and turns it on. Dani stays by the door, still
preoccupied. Christian looks to her.
CHRISTIAN
Are you okay?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 10
16 CONTINUED: 16
Dani looks at him, hesitant to start a fight. Christian gives
her an impatient look: “Yes? No?”
DANI
I mean - yeah. I’m okay. That was
just...very weird.
CHRISTIAN
(playing dumb)
What was?
Dani looks at him: “Seriously?” Christian widens his eyes:
“What was weird?”
DANI
The...Sweden! I had no idea.
CHRISTIAN
Well - what do you mean? I told you
I wanted to go.
DANI
Okay, fine, but I didn’t know you
were going.
CHRISTIAN
Well, I just decided today. I
wasn’t keeping it from you.
DANI
You already have a ticket!
Beat. Christian now looks cornered.
CHRISTIAN
(shrugs)
I’m sorry.
Christian looks extremely defensive. He has LOCKED DOWN. Dani
sees this, gathers herself, and tries to explain:
DANI CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
It’s just -- imagine if we
were at a party and someone
asks "what are you doing this
summer," and my friends say:
"oh, we’re all going to (correcting)
Sweden. A month and a half.
China for three months, we’re
leaving in two weeks,” and
imagine that was the first
you’d ever heard of it!
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Okay: I told you I wanted to go to
Sweden.
DANI
You told me it would be “cool to
go.”
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
Yeah! And then I got the
opportunity to go and I I have no problem with you
decided to do it. going! I just wish you'd
think to tell me!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 11
16 CONTINUED: 16
CHRISTIAN
Well, I just apologized, Dani.
DANI
You didn't apologize, you said -
(shrugs)
- "sorry." Which sounds more like
"too bad."
Beat. Christian’s eyes are now very cold.
CHRISTIAN
Maybe I should just go home.
DANI
...I’m just trying to understand.
CHRISTIAN
And I tried apologizing.
DANI
I don't need an apology. I just
wanna talk about it.
Pause.
CHRISTIAN
I think I should just probably go
home.
Dani looks helpless.
DANI
I'm not trying to attack you.
CHRISTIAN
Well, it feels like that.
DANI
Well...I’m sorry! I am sorry. I
just got confused.
Christian’s eyes, looking down, haven’t begun to thaw. Dani,
now desperate to reverse the mood, sits on the couch. She
beckons him.
DANI (CONT’D)
Come on: Sit with me. I'm sorry. That
just felt weird, that's all. I think
going to Sweden could be really great
for you. That sounds amazing. Are you
going for your thesis?
CHRISTIAN
(quietly)
I don’t know what my thesis is.
DANI
(brightly)
I know! It could be inspiring!
Right?
CHRISTIAN
(still looking down)
...I think I’m just gonna leave.
Dani’s eyes start to well intensely with TEARS.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 12
16 CONTINUED: 16
DANI
Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to
overreact. Please.
Christian SOFTENS when he sees that she’s crying. Still
distant, he sits with her.
CHRISTIAN
Okay - shhh. It’s okay. I’m sorry,
too. All right?
DANI
I get paranoid. I'm sorry. I'm
going through all this stuff and
I've been dealing with all this
panic and I just - overreacted.
I'm not trying to put pressure or
accuse you of anything. I just got
crazy for a second. I didn't mean
to project.
Christian strokes her hair.
CHRISTIAN
It’s okay. I’m sorry, too. It’s
okay.
Beat. Christian is wrestling with something, and then:
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
(uncertainly)
I was gonna ask you to come with
me.
Pause. Dani looks at him. He looks very tense.
DANI
What do you mean?
CHRISTIAN
...What I just said.
DANI
To Sweden?
Christian nods a stiff “yes.”
DANI (CONT’D)
You don’t want me to.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
I just asked you. After I broke down crying!
CHRISTIAN
Well...you ruined the surprise.
Dani searches Christian’s eyes. They aren’t especially
warm.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
I wanted it to be romantic.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Dani and Christian are thrown into a tense situation after a Lyft ride home. Dani is upset and confused by Christian's abrupt decision to go to Sweden for a month and a half without prior discussion. Christian tries to apologize, but his defensiveness only fuels Dani's frustration. Their argument escalates, leading to Christian threatening to leave, which causes Dani to break down in tears. Seeing her distress, Christian softens and offers her the chance to join him in Sweden. Dani, shocked by the unexpected invitation, remains hesitant, leaving the scene with a sense of uncertainty hanging in the air.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic character interactions
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the complex emotions and conflicts between the characters, drawing the audience into their personal struggles and relationship dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unexpected revelations and miscommunication within a relationship is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the narrative forward.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the unveiling of Christian's surprise trip to Sweden and the ensuing emotional confrontation between him and Dani, adding layers to their relationship dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the common theme of relationship conflicts, portraying the characters' emotional struggles with authenticity and depth. The dialogue feels genuine and relatable, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dani and Christian are well-developed, showcasing their vulnerabilities, insecurities, and conflicting emotions in a realistic and relatable manner.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dani and Christian undergo emotional shifts and realizations during the scene, leading to moments of vulnerability, regret, and reconciliation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to express her feelings of confusion, hurt, and desire for communication in her relationship with Christian. This reflects her deeper need for understanding, validation, and emotional connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to address the sudden decision of Christian to go to Sweden without informing her, leading to a breakdown in communication and trust.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Dani and Christian is palpable, driven by miscommunication, differing expectations, and emotional turmoil, creating a compelling dynamic.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, miscommunication, and power struggles between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily emotional and relational, focusing on the characters' personal struggles, trust issues, and the future of their relationship.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key aspects of the characters' relationship dynamics, setting the stage for further developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, emotional revelations, and unexpected turns in the characters' interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around communication, honesty, and emotional vulnerability in relationships. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust, transparency, and the importance of open dialogue.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy, tension, and introspection, as the characters navigate their personal struggles and relationship challenges.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, misunderstandings, and emotional depth of the characters, enhancing the scene's impact and authenticity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its raw emotional intensity, relatable conflicts, and nuanced character interactions. The audience is drawn into the intimate and tense atmosphere of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing for moments of reflection, confrontation, and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character actions and dialogue cues. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for intimate relationship conflicts, with a buildup of tension, emotional outbursts, and moments of vulnerability. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit repetitive and drawn out, with a lot of back and forth between Dani and Christian about the same points. This could be streamlined for a tighter pace.
  • The dialogue is a bit on the nose. The characters explicitly state their emotions and thoughts instead of allowing them to be implied through actions or subtext. For example, Dani saying "I just got confused" feels unnecessary.
  • The pacing is uneven. The scene starts with a fast-paced dialogue exchange but then slows down considerably when Dani starts crying. This shift in pace makes the scene feel disjointed.
  • While Dani's crying is understandable, her reaction feels a bit excessive and over the top given the context. It's difficult to believe that she would break down crying over this level of misunderstanding.
  • Christian's softening feels a bit sudden and unearned. It's not clear why he would suddenly change his tone and offer to take Dani to Sweden. It would be more believable if his softening was more gradual and motivated by something specific about Dani's reaction.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and doesn't provide much closure. It's not clear what Dani's response is to Christian's invitation, or how the conflict between them is ultimately resolved.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting some of the repeated dialogue and focusing on the emotional core of the scene. Use subtext and implied dialogue to convey the characters' feelings instead of stating them explicitly.
  • Explore Dani's emotional state more subtly. Perhaps her crying could be sparked by something deeper, like a fear of abandonment or a feeling of vulnerability, rather than simply being confused.
  • Develop Christian's motivations more clearly. Why does he suddenly offer to take Dani to Sweden? Is it a genuine gesture of remorse or a strategic move to avoid further conflict? Exploring this question would create a more compelling dynamic.
  • End the scene with a more definitive resolution. Does Dani accept Christian's invitation? Does she express her doubts? Leaving the scene with some level of closure would be more satisfying for the reader.



Scene 5 -  Unexpected Arrival
17 INT. MARK & JOSH’S APARTMENT - DAY 17
Mark & Josh’s apartment is essentially a stoner’s den
crossed with a serious anthropologist’s home. Ironic posters
(a portrait of Ronald Reagan, etc.) are countered by posters
of James George Frazer and Claude Lévi-Strauss. There are
stacks of books in every corner.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 13
17 CONTINUED: 17
Christian, Mark, Pelle and Josh sit in the living room, smoking
from a bong. Josh holds a book by Johannes Bureus (titled
Adalruna) and Pelle is drawing in his notepad.
JOSH
Are the Swedes sensitive about
their history of Nazi
collaboration?
PELLE JOSH (CONT'D)
Are you sensitive about
Hiroshima? I am, yes.
Or the trail of tears? Yep.
Or slavery? Uhhh - what do you think?
Christian looks extremely preoccupied. His foot pumps
involuntarily. He receives a TEXT.
CHRISTIAN
(anxiously)
Hey guys, it’s Dani - she’s coming
up.
MARK JOSH
...Okay. (re: weed and bong)
Should we clear all this?
CHRISTIAN
No no, it doesn’t matter. But uh -
listen...
Christian goes to buzz her in.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
...just so you guys know: she’s not
gonna actually come, but I invited
her on the trip. Just to not make it
weird.
A moment of silence. Pelle sits especially frozen.
MARK
You invited her?
CHRISTIAN
Yeah, but she’s not coming.
JOSH
She doesn’t want to?
CHRISTIAN
(measuredly)
No: I "invited" her and she
"accepted," but she's not gonna
actually come.
Mark and Josh just stare at him.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
You guys know what she’s dealing
with!
MARK JOSH
No, we know. I just didn’t
realize. It’s totally fine if Yeah, dude, nobody minds.
she joins.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 14
17 CONTINUED: 17
A KNOCK at the door. Christian goes to answer it, but before
he does, he reasserts:
CHRISTIAN
Okay, so just: you guys told me to
invite her and you know that she’s
coming. Agreed?
They don’t respond. Christian now OPENS the door to DANI. She
enters with an almost apologetic smile on her face.
DANI CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
Hey. Hi baby.
(to the room) JOSH/MARK/PELLE
Hey guys! Hey!
DANI
How’s it going?
MARK
Just chillin’.
DANI
Nice.
A brief, awkward pause.
JOSH
So, Sweden...!
DANI
Yeah!
PELLE
You’re coming, right?
DANI
I think so...! If it’s not completely
destroying your guys’ male bonding
plans.

MARK/JOSH/PELLE CHRISTIAN
Nope. / Not at all. Oh, shut the fuck up.
Dani smiles bashfully. Mark abruptly addresses Christian:
MARK
Hey man, can I get you to look at
that paragraph real quick?
CHRISTIAN
(confused pause)
Sure. Yeah. Okay.
(to Dani)
Right back.
Christian kisses Dani, and leaves the room with Mark. Dani
looks to the ROOM. Josh has returned to his book. Pelle,
alone on the couch, warmly gestures for Dani to join him. She
obliges.
DANI PELLE
Hey Pelle. Hi Dani.
She notices that Pelle has been composing a DRAWING in his
notepad. It’s a drawing of the room.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 15
17 CONTINUED: 17
DANI
Ooh, that’s a beautiful drawing.
PELLE
Oh, thank you! I’m trying to be a
naturalist.
Pelle closes the drawing pad. Gives Dani his full attention.
DANI
How’ve you been?
PELLE
Pretty good! Survived finals. You?
DANI PELLE (CONT'D)
Uh, well - didn’t quite
finish! But they’re giving me (realizing)
a break this year... Oh, right. God. Of course.

Dani makes an embarrassed “bleh” face.
DANI
How did you like the Anthropology
department?
PELLE
It’s good! I just can’t seem to choose
if I hate academia or not. Unlike this
one.
(”this one” being Josh)
You’re doing psychiatry?
DANI
Psychology. Yeah. That’s how you
know I’m nuts.
PELLE
Also that funny look in your eye.
Dani LAUGHS, a bit unnaturally. An awkward moment.
PELLE (CONT’D)
So! You’re coming to Hälsingland!
DANI
Yeah! I can’t wait. Christian says
you’ve got a special thing in the
woods planned?
PELLE
Oh yes - a sort of crazy, nine-day
festival we’re doing...
DANI
Do you do that every midsummer?
PELLE
Uh - well...this specific one
happens only once every ninety
years. So it’ll be a first and a
last for everybody.
Pelle raises his eyebrows, mock-menacing.
DANI
...Christian says you’re from a
really small community?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 16
17 CONTINUED: 17
PELLE
Oh yes - tiny. Very sort of...
(”what’s the word?”)
Incestuous? Incestual?
DANI
Depends on which of those you mean.
PELLE
Oh - ha! No: we’re just very
secluded...
Pelle pulls up a PHOTO on his phone. Shows it to Dani. It
features a lush, impossibly green field. Young men and women
stand about - all dressed like hippies in white.
DANI PELLE (CONT'D)
Oh wow! Yeah...we do our own thing.
DANI
Looks like a Swedish hippie
renaissance fair.
(noticing another photo)
Who’s this one?

Dani is pointing out a photo of a YOUNG WOMAN (20s) in an
impressive flower dress. (We will later discover her to be
Ulla.)
PELLE
Ooh - that’s last year’s May
Queen!

DANI
Beautiful.

A thoughtful pause before he asserts:
PELLE
You know, I think it’s actually
very good you’re coming.
DANI
(cheekily)
Oh yeah? For who?
PELLE
For you! And for my family. I think
you’ll be very...
Pelle weaves his fingers together, signifying a tight-knit
connection. Dani smiles. Pelle PAUSES again, and his tone now
CHANGES. He leans forward, sensitively:
PELLE (CONT’D)
You know...I never had the chance
to tell you, but I was really so
very sorry to hear about - your
loss...
DANI PELLE (CONT'D)
Oh...! ...and what happened.
I can’t even fathom. I mean,
I lost my parents too, so I
have some idea, but...
Dani looks cornered. TEARS have welled up in her eyes.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 17
17 CONTINUED: 17
PELLE (CONT’D)
Oh, no. Sorry to bring it up!
DANI
No, I mean - thank you. I just...
I'm sorry.
(stands up suddenly)
I'll be right back. Bathroom. Thank
you.
Dani rushes off. Pelle watches her with blank eyes.
Dani, stifling tears, enters the BATHROOM.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Christian's plan to avoid awkwardness by pretending to invite Dani to Sweden backfires when she unexpectedly shows up at Mark and Josh's apartment. Dani and Pelle connect over their shared interest in the upcoming Midsummer festival, but Pelle's condolences over Dani's loss leads to a moment of emotional tension and Dani retreating to the bathroom.
Strengths
  • Subtle tension building
  • Intriguing setting introduction
  • Emotionally engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some awkward pauses in dialogue
  • Limited action or external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up intriguing dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring interpersonal relationships and introducing a mysterious setting is well executed, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the upcoming trip to Sweden and hinting at Dani's emotional struggles, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on friendship, grief, and social dynamics, with authentic character actions and dialogue. The blend of stoner culture and intellectualism adds a unique twist to familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique traits and dynamics that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and changes, especially for Dani, as she navigates her emotions and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex dynamics of inviting a friend on a trip while being sensitive to their emotional state. This reflects a desire for social harmony and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to manage the expectations of his friends regarding the invited guest and ensure a smooth interaction. This reflects a desire to maintain group cohesion and avoid conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtle but present in the unspoken tensions and emotional struggles of the characters.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, with conflicting perspectives and emotional revelations challenging the characters' beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are subtly high in terms of emotional turmoil and potential relationship dynamics, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and shifts in character dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing perspectives on sensitive historical topics and personal losses. This challenges their beliefs and values, highlighting the complexity of human relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness to curiosity, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the underlying tensions and emotions between the characters, adding layers to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, emotion, and philosophical depth. The characters' interactions and dialogue draw the audience in, creating a sense of connection and intrigue.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of dialogue and character movements enhances the scene's impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of events, with clear character motivations and interactions. The dialogue flows smoothly, contributing to the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too expository, with a lot of information being relayed through dialogue rather than shown through action. For example, we learn that Dani is coming to Sweden, but we don't see her make the decision or even express any excitement about it.
  • The characters' reactions to Christian's decision to invite Dani feel a bit flat. Mark and Josh seem to accept it without question, which is odd considering they know Dani is dealing with a significant loss. Pelle's reaction is more nuanced, but it's still a little unclear why he's so frozen.
  • The awkwardness of the scene is a bit heavy-handed. The constant pauses and unnaturally forced humor (like Dani's line about her being 'nuts') don't feel organic. It would be more compelling to show the awkwardness through subtler cues, like body language and facial expressions.
  • The scene doesn't do a great job of establishing a sense of place. We get a brief description of Mark and Josh's apartment, but it's not particularly evocative. More details about the setting, and how it reflects the characters' personalities, could help create a more immersive experience.
  • The scene feels like it's setting up a conflict that isn't quite fully developed yet. Dani's tears at the end of the scene are a good start, but the scene needs to do more to show the emotional weight of her situation and how it's affecting her relationship with Christian.
  • Pelle's line, "I never had the chance to tell you, but I was really so very sorry to hear about - your loss... and what happened. I can’t even fathom. I mean, I lost my parents too, so I have some idea, but..." is a bit too on the nose. It would be more impactful if the scene showed Pelle's sympathy through his actions and expressions, rather than having him state it so directly. Also, we know Dani is dealing with a loss, but this scene could benefit from a flashback to the event or a more emotional scene between Dani and Christian.
Suggestions
  • Show, don't tell. Rather than having characters state their intentions, show them through their actions and interactions. For example, we could see Dani making a decision to go to Sweden, or see her struggling with her feelings about Christian's secret trip.
  • Develop the characters' reactions more fully. Why are Mark and Josh so accepting of Christian's decision? How does Pelle's reaction to Dani's arrival change throughout the scene?
  • Use subtler cues to create awkwardness. Instead of relying on forced humor and pauses, show the awkwardness through body language, facial expressions, and silences.
  • Establish a stronger sense of place. Use details about the setting to create an atmosphere and to reveal something about the characters. For example, what kinds of books are in Mark and Josh's apartment? How does the décor reflect their personalities? What does the apartment smell like?
  • Develop the conflict more fully. The scene needs to do more to show the emotional weight of Dani's situation and how it's affecting her relationship with Christian. Consider adding a flashback to the event that Dani is grieving or a scene where Dani and Christian have a more emotional conversation about their relationship.
  • Make Pelle's sympathy more nuanced. Rather than having him state his sorrow directly, show it through his expressions and actions. Consider adding a scene where he helps Dani with something practical, or where he shares a personal story about his own loss.
  • Consider using the scene to reveal more about the relationship between Dani and Christian. Are there any underlying tensions that this trip to Sweden might exacerbate? What are their expectations for the trip? How does their relationship dynamic play out when they are around other people?



Scene 6 -  Driving Through Sweden
18 INT. AIRPLANE LAVATORY (IN FLIGHT) - DAY - 2 WEEKS LATER 18
Dani has entered an airplane’s lavatory, stifling an oncoming
deluge. After shutting the door behind her, she BREAKS DOWN
in a fit of violent SOBS.
19 INT. AIRPLANE (IN FLIGHT) - MINUTES LATER 19
We are WIDE, looking down the length of the plane. We track
forward, drifting over the heads of passengers.
In the b.g., Dani exits the lavatory and returns to her seat.
Christian is seated beside her at the window. We have arrived
at a PROFILE CU of them (the window in the b.g.).
Christian takes Dani’s hand and smiles at her. It’s clear
she’s been crying, but she hides it behind a determinedly
casual “all is well” expression.
Christian goes along with the pretending, and looks out the
WINDOW. We have begun a slow ZOOM past them, toward the
window. The window soon FILLS the frame. We are flying over
beautiful terrain. We have entered SWEDEN. The captain
announces this in Swedish over the intercom.

20 *OMITTED* 20
21 INT. RENTAL MINIVAN (MOVING) - DAY 21
Our group, now in a rental minivan, drives through Stockholm
traffic. Pelle is at the wheel. Mark sits passenger, holding
a film theory book. In the back: Dani, Christian and Josh
(who reads the Poetic Edda).
They pass a group of BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMEN.
MARK
(to Christian)
Holy God, the women here...!
Christian, aware of Dani, gives a self-conscious half-nod.
Dani happily pretends to ignore this.
MARK (CONT’D)
What is it that makes them hotter?
JOSH
The Vikings grabbed all the best
babes from other countries and
dragged them over.
They have now pulled onto the FREEWAY - leaving Stockholm.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 18
21 CONTINUED: 21

DANI
How far are we driving?
PELLE
Four hours, about.
MARK
(exasperated)
Oh my God.

21A INT. FREEWAY RENTAL MINIVAN (MOVING) - LATER - DAY 21A
Dani’s phone VIBRATES, waking her up. She checks it...
DANI’S PHONE: A friend has just posted on her Facebook page
“Happy early birthday! Hope tomorrow is the best one yet!”
Dani doesn’t react. She looks to the side to notice a book on
Josh’s lap. The Secret Nazi Language of the Uthark. Its cover
is a runic pattern.
DANI
Why are you reading that?

JOSH
(realizing what she’s
talking about)
Oh! Ha. Ask Pelle.
PELLE
(accepting the cue)
We’re taught the runic alphabet in
my village. Josh just carries that
around to annoy me.
DANI
(to Josh)
What are you doing your thesis on,
again?
JOSH
Uhhhh - well! My focus is actually on
European midsummer traditions. Which
was basically the impetus behind this
whole trip. I’m doing Germany and
England after this.
DANI
(to Christian)
That’s similar to what you’re thinking
of doing - right? For your thesis?
CHRISTIAN
(tensely)
Well, I don’t know quite what I’m
doing. (As you know.) But I’m thinking
about rooting it in something
Scandinavian.
DANI
See that, Pelle? You’ve managed to
brainwash all your friends.
PELLE
Josh was already brainwashed when I
found him.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 19
21A CONTINUED: 21A
JOSH
(re: Pelle’s
acknowledgement)
Thank you.

DISSOLVE TO:

22 *OMITTED* 22

23 *OMITTED* 23
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A group of friends travel through Sweden in a rental minivan. While Mark makes lighthearted comments about the women, Dani appears withdrawn and distressed. The group discusses runes and their research interests, but Dani's silent turmoil remains unnoticed by the others. The scene ends with a dissolve, leaving Dani's emotional state and its potential impact on the journey unresolved.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Tension between characters
  • Mysterious undertones
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and mystery, setting up a compelling narrative that leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a sudden trip to Sweden, the dynamics between the characters, and the underlying emotional and mysterious elements are well executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the characters embarking on a journey to Sweden, introducing new conflicts and tensions within the group.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as Viking history and European traditions, adding depth to the characters' conversations. The authenticity of dialogue and character interactions enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations, conflicts, and emotional depth, particularly focusing on Dani and Christian.

Character Changes: 7

Dani experiences a significant emotional change, from anxiety and sadness to determination and acceptance, while Christian shows a shift in attitude towards Dani.

Internal Goal: 8

Dani's internal goal is to hide her emotional vulnerability and appear strong in front of Christian and the group. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and fear of being judged or pitied.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to engage in conversation with her friends and maintain a sense of normalcy despite her emotional state. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal emotions with social interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, especially Dani and Christian, is palpable, creating tension and driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, as Dani struggles to maintain her facade while facing emotional turmoil. The audience is unsure of how she will navigate her internal conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the sudden trip to Sweden, highlighting the tensions and emotional turmoil within the group.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the trip to Sweden, deepening the conflicts and relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' complex emotions and interactions. The audience is unsure of how Dani will navigate her internal struggles and maintain her facade.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of authenticity versus pretense. Dani struggles to maintain a facade of composure while dealing with internal turmoil, highlighting the tension between genuine emotions and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through Dani's breakdown and the underlying sadness and tension within the group.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, emotion, and dynamics between the characters, setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic exploration. The interactions between the characters create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and visual storytelling enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected formatting standards for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The visual storytelling is effective in conveying the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between locations and character interactions. It maintains a steady pace and rhythm, contributing to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too exposition-heavy, particularly in the opening moments.
  • The inclusion of the 'OMITTED' sections doesn't add value to the reader's understanding and can feel jarring.
  • The visual descriptions, while present, don't fully engage the reader with the scene. There's an opportunity to create more evocative imagery.
  • The dialogue feels a bit stiff and expositional. It lacks the naturalness of a real conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear driving conflict or tension that would keep the reader engaged. It feels a bit like filler.
  • The emotional beats are not fully conveyed in the writing, particularly when Dani is upset. It might be helpful to add details about her facial expressions or body language.
  • The scene feels a bit repetitive, focusing on the characters' conversation about Scandinavia. This could be condensed and made more concise.
  • The ending of the scene feels a bit abrupt. It might be helpful to add a line or two to create a sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider using a more active voice to make the writing more dynamic and engaging. For instance, instead of 'Dani has entered an airplane’s lavatory,' you could write 'Dani rushed into the airplane’s lavatory.'
  • Instead of using 'OMITTED,' write those scenes. Or, if you want to cut those scenes, think of ways to use their information to create a stronger scene 21.
  • Add more specific visual details to help the reader imagine the scene. For instance, instead of 'beautiful terrain,' you could write 'rolling green hills dotted with sparkling blue lakes.'
  • Make the dialogue more natural and less expositional. Have the characters converse as people would in real life, with more natural pauses and interruptions.
  • Introduce a conflict or tension that would raise the stakes and keep the reader engaged. This could be an external conflict, like a disagreement between characters, or an internal conflict, like Dani's struggle with her emotions.
  • Add more emotional detail to Dani's reactions to help the reader understand what she's going through. For instance, you could write 'Tears streamed down Dani's face as she choked back a sob.'
  • Consider streamlining the scene by condensing the conversation about Scandinavia and focusing on a single point of conflict or tension.
  • Add a line or two to the end of the scene to create a sense of closure. For instance, you could end with Dani staring out the window at the Swedish landscape, her expression unreadable, or with Christian noticing Dani's attempt to hide her tears.



Scene 7 -  A Midsummer Night's Trip
24 EXT. ROAD - TWO HOURS LATER 24
Pelle drives under an anti-immigration BANNER (in Swedish)
before passing a sign announcing that they have arrived in
Hälsingland.
PELLE
Entering Hälsingland!
25 EXT. MEADOW - CONTINUOUS 25
The minivan idles up to a LARGE GRASSY MEADOW. It’s lush,
impossibly green, magical. About twenty YOUNG PEOPLE (teens
to twenties) lounge about. Tents and camping equipment
abound. A few of the women are dressed in traditional white
dresses and don floral garland crowns. A couple of the men
look like 19th century farmers, although most are dressed in
modern clothes.
The minivan parks at the head of the field. Our group
emerges, yawning and stretching. Dani is mesmerized. Pelle
WAVES to a group of young people picnicking on the grass.
They clearly know each other well.
GIRLS
Pelle!!
Pelle gestures for our group to follow him as he approaches
the picnickers. Pelle explains as they walk:
PELLE
These are all younger people from
my village. Everyone’s returning
from their trips outside.
Pelle arrives at the group and receives a flood of hugs.
Everyone introduces themselves.
Then, across the field, a merry Blonde Guy (25) calls out to
Pelle. This is INGEMAR.
INGEMAR
(in Swedish)
Holy shit! Pelle!!
Pelle turns to Ingemar. His face LIGHTS UP, and he runs over
to him. Dani, Christian, Mark and Josh follow.
INGEMAR (CONT’D)
Glad Heliga Johannes Döparens dag!
Pelle laughs. They hug.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 20
25 CONTINUED: 25
INGEMAR (CONT’D)
Fan vad spinkig du är! Vart har
resten av dig tagit vägen?

PELLE INGEMAR (CONT'D)
Ser ut som att du fått det.. Va? Tycker du att jag blivit
fet?
PELLE
Here: English. These are my great
friends. Josh, Christian, Mark,
Dani: meet my brother Ingemar. Best
friend since we were babies.
INGEMAR
(recounting)
Josh, Christian, Mark...Dani?
(confirmed)
Awesome! And say hello to my
friends, Simon and Connie from
London.
He gestures to an attractive British couple, CONNIE (24,
skinny) and SIMON (26, spectacled, tattooed).
INGEMAR (CONT’D)
Simon and Connie, this is Pelle
and...all the names I just learned
two seconds back.

SIMON CONNIE
Hey. Hello.
INGEMAR
Perfect timing, by the way:
Ingemar pulls out a bag of MAGIC MUSHROOMS. Hands them to
Pelle.
INGEMAR (CONT’D)
We just took these five minutes
back. Haven’t even started coming up
yet.
MARK
(overjoyed)
Ohhh shit.
Mark grabs the bag from Pelle and studies the contents.
PELLE MARK (CONT'D)
(to the group)
Do you guys wanna take it
now? Or should we settle in
first? Fuck it. Let’s just take ‘em.
DANI
(to Christian)
I think I might need to find my
footing first.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Of course.
(quietly)
And you know you don’t need to take
them. If you’re feeling unsure.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 21
25 CONTINUED: 25
DANI
No, I just need to get settled.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
Okay. Well. I’ll wait for
you. No - go ahead!
CHRISTIAN
No, I’ll wait. We’ll come up
together.

Josh and Mark and Pelle have pulled their mushrooms from the
bag. They look to Christian, ready to go.
PELLE
Ready?
CHRISTIAN
I’m waiting for Dani. You guys go
on.
MARK
Dude. We can’t come up at different
times. They’ll be totally separate
trips.
CHRISTIAN
Then you can wait for us.
Mark looks frustrated - angry even.
DANI
You know what? That’s okay. I’m
ready.

CHRISTIAN
Baby. Don’t feel rushed.
DANI
I don’t. I’m ready.
MARK DANI (CONT'D)
(false concern) (bluntly)
You sure? Yeah, Mark, thanks.
INGEMAR
They made mushroom tea if you
prefer against the taste.
DANI
(considers)
Okay. Yeah. I’ll have that. Thank
you - Ingmar?
Ingemar smiles confirmation and goes to fetch her a mug of
tea.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
Don’t let Mark pressure you. He’s not. It’ll get too
Of all people. complicated otherwise. It’s
fine.
Ingemar hands Dani her TEA.
PELLE
(to Dani)
Ready?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 22
25 CONTINUED: 25
Dani, now holding the tea, nods yes.
PELLE (CONT’D)
Okay. Here we go. Think happy
thoughts!
They eat their shrooms. Dani hesitates before SIPPING the tea.
CHRISTIAN
You okay?
DANI
Yeah. It’s good. I’m excited.
CHRISTIAN
(still concerned)
Cool. Me too.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological","Thriller"]

Summary Pelle and his friends arrive in Hälsingland for a Saint John's Eve celebration and are welcomed by Pelle's brother, Ingemar. Ingemar offers magic mushrooms, causing some excitement and some hesitation within the group. Dani and Christian are hesitant, but Dani eventually agrees to take them while Christian opts for mushroom tea. Despite Mark's impatience for the trip to begin, the group decides to take the mushrooms together, setting the stage for a potentially transformative experience.
Strengths
  • Exploration of emotional depth
  • Unique concept with magic mushrooms
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in preparation for magic mushroom consumption

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the inner struggles and conflicts of the characters while introducing a unique and intriguing element with the magic mushrooms.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using magic mushrooms to explore emotional depth and personal growth in a foreign setting is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters arrive in Hälsingland and prepare to take magic mushrooms, setting the stage for potential emotional revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of peer pressure and individual autonomy, with a focus on subtle character dynamics and emotional conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity in their interactions and decisions, especially Dani's internal struggle and Christian's concern for her well-being.

Character Changes: 8

Dani shows signs of personal growth and self-discovery as she decides to take the magic mushrooms despite initial hesitation.

Internal Goal: 8

Dani's internal goal in this scene is to find her footing and feel settled before taking magic mushrooms with the group. This reflects her need for stability and comfort in unfamiliar situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to take magic mushrooms with the group immediately or settle in first. This reflects the immediate challenge of peer pressure and group dynamics.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between the characters regarding the decision to take magic mushrooms, but the tension is more internal and emotional.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations among the characters creating tension and uncertainty. Dani's internal struggle and the group dynamics provide a challenging obstacle for the characters to navigate.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' personal growth and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new setting and potential emotional developments for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, especially Dani's unexpected decision to take the mushrooms despite initial hesitation. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' conflicting motivations and emotions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the pressure to conform to group behavior versus staying true to one's own comfort level and boundaries. This challenges Dani's values of self-awareness and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters, especially Dani, as they navigate personal struggles and potential revelations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and intentions, setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its focus on character dynamics, emotional conflicts, and the tension between individual autonomy and group dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the characters' decisions and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflicts and emotions leading to a climactic decision point. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of events, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the dialogue and actions. The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit rushed, especially given the importance of Dani's decision to take the mushrooms. There's a lot of exposition about the characters and the setting, which could be streamlined.
  • The dialogue is somewhat clunky and expository. For example, 'Do you guys wanna take it now? Or should we settle in first?' is an awkward way to introduce the mushrooms.
  • Mark's pushiness feels out of character. He's introduced as being laid-back and happy, so his sudden insistence on everyone taking the mushrooms at the same time feels jarring.
  • Dani's decision to take the mushrooms feels somewhat forced. Her initial hesitation is not convincingly explored, and her change of mind comes across as a bit abrupt.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. Dani's decision to take the mushrooms doesn't feel like a turning point or a significant moment in her journey. It's more like a plot device to advance the story.
  • The focus on the mushrooms feels a bit heavy-handed. It feels like the scene is trying too hard to establish the drug-induced state, which could be implied more subtly.
  • The ending of the scene, with Dani drinking the tea and saying she's excited, feels somewhat anticlimactic. It doesn't leave the audience with a strong sense of what's going to happen next.
  • It's a bit repetitive to have both Christian and Pelle ask Dani if she's ready. It could be combined into one line or cut entirely.
  • The scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey information. The visual elements could be used more effectively to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and character.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting down on the exposition. Focus more on the emotional state of the characters and the tension of the moment.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository. Instead of stating facts, allow the characters to reveal their thoughts and feelings through conversation.
  • Give Dani's decision to take the mushrooms more weight. Explore her inner conflict and the reasons behind her choice. This can be done through internal monologue or subtext.
  • Establish a clear emotional arc for Dani. Her decision to take the mushrooms should feel like a turning point, a moment of transformation, or a significant step in her journey.
  • Subtly foreshadow the effects of the mushrooms rather than directly stating them. Use visual cues and sensory details to create a sense of impending change.
  • Create a more suspenseful ending. What are the implications of Dani taking the mushrooms? What will happen next? Leave the audience with a sense of anticipation and intrigue.
  • Use the visual elements more effectively. Show, don't tell. For example, instead of having Pelle say, 'Think happy thoughts!,' show Dani trying to focus on something positive as she sips the tea.
  • Consider using flashbacks or dream sequences to reveal Dani's inner turmoil and her reasons for being drawn to the mushrooms.



Scene 8 -  Dani's Discomfort
25A EXT. MEADOW - MINUTES LATER 25A
Dani sits on the grass with Christian and Pelle. Mark is off
to the side, stabbing at an ANT COLONY with a stick. Josh
paces nearby. His stomach TURNS audibly.
JOSH
Uggghhh, I really don’t feel good.
Josh hunches over to RETCH.
MARK
Don’t puke, dude. Keep it down.
CHRISTIAN
(to Dani)
How are you feeling?
DANI
A little like I have food
poisoning.
PELLE CHRISTIAN
Technically you do. It’ll go
away soon. And you can throw it up if
you need to.
25B EXT. MEADOW BUSH 25B
JUMP CUT to Dani VOMITING into a bush. Christian stands near
her.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
That’s good, baby. It’s okay. Throw
it up.
Dani rises to take a breath.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Does that feel better?
PELLE
Don’t worry - you had it down long
enough. You’re still gonna trip.

25C EXT. LARGE GRASSY MEADOW - MINUTES LATER 25C
The group sits on the grass together. The sun is still
shining.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 23
25C CONTINUED: 25C
CHRISTIAN
What time is it?
PELLE
Nine PM.

MARK
(suddenly alarmed)
What do you mean?!
PELLE
What do you mean?
MARK
That doesn’t feel right.
PELLE MARK (CONT'D)
Why? It’s the midnight sun. It doesn’t feel like nine. I
don’t like that! It feels
wrong.
A YOUNG MAN approaches.
CHRISTIAN
Oh fuck. It’s a new person.
MARK PELLE
What? I don’t want new
people. No - new people are good!
A happy Young Man walks past. This is VALENTIN.
VALENTIN
Hey hey!
The group mumbles hello.
MARK
I wanna lay down.
Mark lies down.
MARK (CONT’D)
Oh my God. Lay down. Guys. It’s so
nice.
Everyone lies down. Except for Josh and Dani. For the rest
of the scene, our focus is on DANI - even as everyone else
speaks.
MARK (CONT’D)
Lie down, Josh.
Josh doesn’t. Stubborn.
PELLE
Can you feel the energy come up
from the earth?
(then, noticing)
And look: the trees, too - they’re
breathing!
Dani looks up. The trees do seem to be breathing - visibly
swelling and deflating with psychedelic life. They LOOM
IMPOSINGLY over Dani. They GROAN in the wind, their branches
leaning (almost reaching) down.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 24
25C CONTINUED: 25C
Pelle, marveling at his surroundings, continues:
PELLE (CONT’D)
Nature just knows instinctually
how to stay in harmony! Everything
mechanically doing its part.
MARK
(emotional)
You guys are my family.
The word “family” HITS Dani.
MARK (CONT’D)
I really mean that. You’re like my
real actual Family.
Dani RISES to her knees, suddenly overwhelmed. Christian
looks to her. She looks to him. He SMILES, but there’s
something false about it.
Dani looks SCARED now. This scares Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Dani? Don’t look like that.
Dani STANDS, panic mounting. Her eyes look crazed.
DANI
I’m sorry. I’m gonna walk.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
I can walk, too. No no. Sorry. I’m gonna...
Dani starts to walk off, a terrible feeling rising in her.
JOSH MARK
Is she mad at us? I don’t like how she did
that.
Dani continues to walk. She’s starting to think very bad
thoughts.
DANI
(to herself)
No, that’s not good. No. No.
She then stumbles onto a group of mirthful YOUTHS - all
wearing flower garlands. They sit in a circle as a YOUNG
WOMAN (20s) plays guitar and sings Så Lunka Vi Så Småningom
in a silly voice (to the laughter of the others). They all
suddenly see Dani, the guitarist stops playing, and
then...they all BURST OUT LAUGHING.
Dani turns stiffly away, tears welling.
DANI (CONT’D)
No, no, no, no...
Dani tensely speed-walks away, looking down at the ground.
Her surroundings are THROBBING visibly (and more intensely
than before).
INGEMAR calls out to Dani.
INGEMAR
Hey! Dani!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 25
25C CONTINUED: 25C
Dani freezes. Terrified, she looks up in his direction. He
waves her over. He’s standing with a few youths at a picnic
table. Behind them, Connie is tending to Simon, who looks
ill.
Dani warily approaches.
INGEMAR (CONT’D)
How are you feeling? Everyone: this
is Pelle’s friend, Dani.
Everyone says hi.
DANI
They were laughing at me over
there.
INGEMAR
What? No, I’m sure they weren’t.
They probably just wanted you to
laugh with them.
But Ingemar’s face was MUTATING as he said that.
DANI
(terrified, forcing a
smile)
Okay. Sorry. Never mind. Thank you.
Dani turns around and walks stiffly off.
DANI (CONT’D)
(trying to turn it around)
It’s okay. It’s not that. You’re
okay. It’s drugs.
She continues toward a sturdy wooden OUTHOUSE. She hastily
enters and SHUTS the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller","Horror"]

Summary As the evening progresses in a meadow, Dani, under the influence of drugs, experiences growing paranoia and discomfort. The arrival of a new person, Valentin, further unsettles the group. Dani feels overwhelmed and leaves the others, encountering strange youths and an increasingly unsettling Ingemar. Feeling isolated and fearful, she retreats into an outhouse.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character development
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or forced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a tense and eerie atmosphere, with strong emotional impact and high stakes. The dialogue and character interactions are compelling, driving the plot forward and revealing deeper layers of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring psychological distress and hallucinatory experiences in a remote Swedish setting is unique and engaging. The scene effectively conveys the disorientation and fear of the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and emotional turmoil, setting up further conflict and character development. The scene sets the stage for escalating tension and reveals underlying tensions within the group.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the psychedelic trees and drug-induced experiences, offering a fresh approach to character interactions and emotional turmoil.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional struggles are palpable. The scene delves into their vulnerabilities and fears, adding depth to their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, particularly Dani, whose fear and anxiety intensify throughout the scene. The experience alters their perceptions and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, internal goal in this scene is to cope with her overwhelming emotions and fears, particularly related to her relationship with Christian and her sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the drug-induced experience and social interactions with the group of youths in the meadow.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and hallucinatory experiences. The tension arises from their fears and uncertainties, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal emotional turmoil and external social pressures, creating conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with their inner demons, hallucinations, and fears in a remote and unsettling environment. The scene heightens the sense of danger and uncertainty.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' emotional arcs and setting up further conflicts and revelations. It adds layers to the narrative and builds suspense.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional shifts and interactions between characters, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between individual emotional turmoil and the communal experience of drug-induced bonding and connection with nature.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, sadness, and discomfort, drawing the audience into the characters' psychological turmoil. The emotional impact is central to the scene's effectiveness.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts. It drives the emotional intensity of the scene and enhances the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, vivid sensory descriptions, and the protagonist's internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of introspection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through character interactions and sensory descriptions.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a jarring jump cut to Dani vomiting, which feels abrupt and lacks context. It's important to establish why she's suddenly throwing up and how the others react.
  • The scene suffers from a lack of visual clarity. Descriptions like 'The trees do seem to be breathing' are not very impactful for the reader. Consider using stronger verbs and imagery to paint a vivid picture of the psychedelic experience.
  • The scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey the characters' inner states. While dialogue is important, the scene could benefit from more visual cues, like facial expressions and body language, to show Dani's increasing panic and fear.
  • The pacing feels rushed. There are several instances where the action feels like it's happening too quickly, especially in Dani's interactions with the other characters. Consider slowing down the pacing to give the audience time to absorb the details and experience Dani's growing fear.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective for Dani. It's not entirely clear why she decides to walk away from the group, or what her goal is in going to the outhouse. It would be helpful to establish a clear motivation for her actions.
  • The scene doesn't adequately exploit the potential of the psychedelic setting. While there are hints of it, the scene could benefit from more evocative descriptions and sensory details to create a truly immersive psychedelic experience.
  • The scene relies on clichés to convey the characters' inner states, such as “The word “family” HITS Dani.” These clichés undermine the scene's overall impact and make the dialogue feel clunky.
Suggestions
  • Instead of a jump cut, consider using a dissolve or a gradual shift to Dani's point of view as she starts feeling ill. This would provide a smoother transition and allow the audience to understand her changing state.
  • Focus on sensory details like smell, sound, and touch to bring the psychedelic setting to life. For example, describe the earthy smell of the grass, the throbbing music, and the rough texture of the bark on the trees.
  • Use visual cues like close-ups on Dani's face, showing her increasing panic and fear, or shots of the trees swaying and groaning to emphasize the psychedelic experience.
  • Consider slowing down the pacing by adding more descriptive details and giving the audience time to absorb Dani's emotional state. For example, linger on the moment when Dani realizes she's feeling overwhelmed and begins to panic.
  • Establish a clear motivation for Dani's actions. Is she seeking privacy? Is she running away from something? Understanding her intentions will make the scene more engaging and impactful.
  • Utilize the psychedelic setting to explore Dani's internal fears and anxieties. For example, show the trees looming over her, symbolizing her feelings of isolation and powerlessness.
  • Replace clichés with more nuanced and descriptive language to show Dani's inner turmoil. Instead of “The word “family” HITS Dani,” consider describing her reaction in more concrete terms, such as a sudden tightness in her chest, or a feeling of dread creeping into her heart.



Scene 9 -  Eyes of the Beast
26 INT. OUTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 26
The interior of the outhouse is pitch-dark. We hear Dani
fumbling for a box of MATCHES. After rummaging, she STRIKES
one match, and for the moment of the SPARK, we vaguely see
TERRI (Dani’s sister, duct tape over her mouth) in the dark
behind Dani. When the light settles, that image disappears.
The outhouse, now illuminated by candle-light, is very clean
and cramped. Dani stands here for a moment.
DANI
This is a coffin.
(immediately reprimanding
herself)
Hey! No it’s not.
Dani sees a MIRROR on the wall. She looks at it. Hard.
DANI (CONT’D)
Fuck you. Stop it.
Suddenly her skin seems to take on a translucent quality. Her
veins become faintly visible. Beneath her cheeks, it looks
like organic gears are turning.
DANI SQUEEZES HER EYES SHUT. She takes a moment, trying to
will that vision away.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 26
26 CONTINUED: 26
DANI (CONT’D)
Don’t look in the mirror. It’s not
your face.
(saying that again, under
scrutiny)
“It’s not your face.”
After a long moment, Dani OPENS her eyes again. When they
open, TEN ADDITIONAL EYES open simultaneously - all over her
face. Like spider eyes.
Dani SCREAMS and FLEES the outhouse...
27 EXT. OUTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS 27
Dani runs frantically across the field, desperately wiping
off her face (as if to wipe off the extra eyes). We CHASE
AFTER HER before CUTTING TO:
28 EXT. FIELD - SAME TIME 28
Christian, Josh, Mark and Pelle are still lying in the same
spot. They’ve hit the peak of their trip. Twilight is coming.
In the b.g., a group has finished setting up LARGE SPEAKERS.
CHRISTIAN
Where did she go?
MARK JOSH
It’s okay. (looking at his hands)
Why the fuck do we have
fingerprints?
Christian STANDS, panic starting to build.
CHRISTIAN
Dani’s gone. We need to find Dani.
JOSH MARK
I don’t feel like standing. Yeah - I don’t wanna move.
CHRISTIAN
Hey! Dani’s our friend!
MARK
She isn’t all of our friend.
CHRISTIAN MARK (CONT'D)
What? Yes she is. That’s not
nice! Why aren’t you ever (scared by this)
What? I am nice.
nice?! (tearing up)
You’re being mean! I’m not being mean!
Droning techno begins to THROB from the speakers in the b.g.
With every bass punch, the surrounding environment THUMPS
visibly.
CHRISTIAN
Dani’s our friend. And she’s sad.
MARK
But that makes me sad!
(suddenly angry)
And she’s NOT our friend! She’s
barely YOUR friend!
(MORE)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 27
28 CONTINUED: 28
MARK (CONT'D)
You only invited her because you’re
too scared to be honest with her!
Christian pauses, FURIOUS, and then:
CHRISTIAN
Her family is dead, Mark!
MARK CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
(suddenly terrified)
Why are you saying that? Because they are! They’re
dead!
MARK JOSH
Why??? (insistent)
HEY! NO! We need to connect
back to the good things! This
is getting bad! Everything’s
alive right now.
CHRISTIAN MARK
But that’s just so it can die (getting sucked into
later. darkness)
Oh God...!
PELLE
But then it gets reborn! Death is
just shit fertilizing crops.
Everything gets recycled and made
new again.
Silence. Everyone looks at Pelle, catching up to what he just
said. Christian STOMPS OFF.
MARK
Wait! Christian! We need to stay
together!
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Psychological"]

Summary Dani, alone in a dark outhouse, lights a match and briefly sees her sister Terri. Lighting a candle, she sees her reflection and is horrified as her skin becomes translucent, revealing organic gears beneath her cheeks. She fights the vision, but when she opens her eyes again, she has ten extra eyes on her face. Screaming in terror, she flees the outhouse. Meanwhile, the other characters, Christian, Josh, Mark, and Pelle, remain in the field, their conversation hampered by their drug-induced anxieties and disorientation, leaving Dani's desperate flight unanswered.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective use of hallucinations and disturbing imagery
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a strong emotional and psychological depth that keeps the audience engaged. The tension and intensity are palpable, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring Dani's inner turmoil and psychological breakdown through hallucinations and disturbing visions is executed effectively. It adds a layer of complexity to the character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Dani's mental state deteriorates, leading to a pivotal moment in the story. The conflict and emotional stakes are heightened, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to psychological horror, unique character dynamics, and vivid imagery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene reveal deeper layers of their personalities and relationships. The dynamics between Christian, Mark, and Dani are particularly compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Dani undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, as her mental state deteriorates and she experiences hallucinations. The other characters also reveal new facets of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront her own distorted self-image and fears, as represented by the hallucinations she experiences in the mirror. This reflects her deeper need for self-acceptance and overcoming inner demons.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the outhouse and the terrifying hallucinations she is experiencing. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving internal struggles, interpersonal dynamics, and psychological horror. The high stakes and emotional impact drive the tension to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values among the characters leading to intense confrontations and emotional turmoil.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Dani's mental health deteriorates, leading to a moment of intense psychological horror. The emotional and psychological stakes are raised to a peak.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the psychological and emotional conflicts, setting the stage for further developments. It adds layers of complexity to the narrative and the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected hallucinations and twists in the protagonist's perception, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, fear, and acceptance. The protagonist's struggle with her distorted self-image challenges her beliefs and values, leading to a deeper exploration of her inner demons.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, sadness, and unease, drawing the audience into Dani's psychological turmoil. The emotional impact is profound and resonant.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating tension and emotional turmoil within the group. It adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the protagonist's compelling internal and external struggles, and the dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a rhythmic flow that enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the overall atmosphere and pacing.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following the expected format for its genre of psychological horror.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a good visual hook - the brief glimpse of Terri in the darkness. However, the line "This is a coffin." feels clunky and expositional. It would be more effective to show Dani's fear through her actions and reactions rather than explicitly stating it.
  • The description of Dani's skin becoming translucent and the gears appearing beneath her cheeks is a bit too literal and lacks visual impact. It would be more effective to use more evocative language and imagery to create a sense of unease and horror. For example, instead of "organic gears," consider using a metaphor like "a clockwork of veins" or "the machinery of her flesh."
  • The moment where Dani opens her eyes to find ten additional eyes on her face is a good scare, but it feels rushed. The scene could benefit from a longer build-up of suspense before the reveal. Consider adding a few more lines of dialogue or internal monologue from Dani as she tries to fight off the vision.
  • The transition from the outhouse to the field is abrupt. A dissolve or a fade-out would create a smoother transition and give the audience a moment to process what they just saw. Consider adding a short shot of Dani running through the woods or a brief shot of her frantically wiping her face, showing the visceral effect of the vision.
  • The dialogue between Christian, Josh, Mark, and Pelle in the field lacks tension and purpose. It feels like exposition and isn't serving the overall story. This is a great opportunity to explore the characters' different reactions to the drug-induced state and to foreshadow future conflicts.
  • The scene ends with Christian storming off, which is a weak resolution. It would be more impactful to show Christian's anxiety and fear, perhaps through a visual cue like him grabbing his chest or breathing heavily. The scene could also end with Dani's scream echoing across the field, leaving the audience with a sense of unease and anticipation for what's to come.
  • The scene relies too much on exposition and description. It would be more engaging if the writer showed the characters' reactions and emotions through their actions and dialogue. The scene also lacks a clear sense of purpose and doesn't advance the story significantly.
Suggestions
  • Focus on showing Dani's fear rather than telling it. Use her actions and reactions to create a sense of dread and paranoia. For example, show her trembling hands, her rapid breathing, or her desperate attempts to escape the outhouse.
  • Use more evocative and sensory language to describe the disturbing vision. Instead of simply stating what she sees, use metaphors and imagery to create a more visceral and disturbing effect. For example, instead of "organic gears," describe the veins as "pulsating like a heart of steel" or the flesh as "melting into a grotesque tapestry of bone and sinew."
  • Build suspense before the reveal of the additional eyes. Consider adding a few more lines of dialogue or internal monologue from Dani as she struggles to control her vision. For example, "Don’t look, don’t look. It’s not real. It’s not real." Then, when she opens her eyes, the reveal will have more impact.
  • Create a smoother transition from the outhouse to the field. A dissolve or a fade-out would allow the audience to process the scene and build anticipation for what's to come. Consider adding a few shots of Dani running through the woods or wiping her face, showing the physical and emotional impact of the vision.
  • Give the characters' dialogue more depth and purpose. Instead of simply stating facts, use the dialogue to reveal their anxieties, their fears, and their different interpretations of the situation. This can foreshadow future conflicts and create a sense of tension.
  • End the scene with a stronger resolution. Instead of simply showing Christian storming off, consider ending with a visual cue that emphasizes his fear and anxiety, or a sound effect that leaves the audience with a lingering sense of unease.
  • Show more, tell less. Instead of using exposition and description, use visual cues, actions, and dialogue to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience. The scene should also advance the story and create a sense of anticipation for what's to come.



Scene 10 -  The Ant-Infested Woods
29 EXT. WOODS - SAME TIME 29
Dani paces in the woods. Muffled techno drones in the
distance.
DANI
Hello?!... HELLO??!!
(redirecting her thoughts)
It’s almost your birthday. Fuck.
What time is it?
(then, PAUSES)
You were almost born... You’re a
baby.
This gets to Dani. She now looks around the woods, fearfully.
Like a lost child.
DANI (CONT’D)
MOMMY?!... DADDY?!...
(silently to herself)
Mommy daddy mommy daddy...
(absolutely panicked now)
CHRISTIAN?!
No answer.
DANI (CONT’D)
No...no.... You’re alone.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 28
29 CONTINUED: 29
Then it HITS Dani. Her eyes well intensely with tears. This
idea is now horribly significant.
DANI (CONT’D)
(a revelation)
You’re alone.
Dani sees a DEAD RABBIT. Its innards are splayed.
Dani warily approaches. Magnetized but repulsed. As she nears,
the FEAR rises in her. She gets close enough to finally see...
The rabbit is being devoured by ANTS.
Dani looks mortified, but her eyes are glued. She LEANS IN to
look closer, but then -- she sees ANTS on her arm. (Whether
they’re there or not is unclear.)
Dani SCREAMS. She violently SLAPS at her arm. She then swipes
at her other arm, and starts slapping at her NECK and FACE,
as if she were engulfed in ants. (She’s not.)
Dani looks down. The earth seems to now be a PULSATING CARPET
OF ANTS.
Dani SCREAMS and RUNS for her life. As she sprints:
CHRISTIAN (O.S.)
Dani!
Dani FREEZES, eyes crazed.
DANI CHRISTIAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
...Christian?! Dani!!
Dani searches desperately for his voice. She FINDS him
standing at a CLEARING. She runs for him, crying.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Where the hell did you go?!
They EMBRACE. She hugs him. SQUEEZES him.
DANI CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
I got lost. Let’s go back to the group.
DANI
(still squeezing)
Christian. Nothing means anything.
CHRISTIAN
What?
DANI
(looking at him)
Nothing means anything! We’re just
alone.
(tearing up)
And I felt this presence - like God
but not God - and it was showing me
this and it was laughing at me.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
You heard laughing? I felt it laughing! I figured
it out, that nothing means
anything and we’re all alone,
and it was getting pleasure
from that.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 29
29 CONTINUED: 29
Christian is getting SCARED.

CHRISTIAN
Okay, just - calm down--

DANI
Oh my God what the fuck is that?!

Dani is now pointing to a BIG TREE in the BG. SEVERAL BOAR
CARCASSES HANG FROM ITS BRANCHES. Christian sees it, but
instantly turns away - denying it.

CHRISTIAN
(firmly)
No.
He takes Dani’s ARM -
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Fuck. Stop it. That wasn’t real. We’re
going back to the friends. Fuck.
- and starts leading her away.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
You’re having a bad trip, and you’re
thinking you’re alone because you
went off and you made yourself
alone. You just got scared.
He’s now PULLING Dani, aggressively.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
(not even looking at her)
You have me. Everything’s connected.
We’re all one. Those are the good
things you’re supposed to think
about. We’re all unified. Fuck.
Christian has been leading her out of the woods. They emerge
onto the FIELD, where the droning techno is now very present
(and making the visible surroundings THROB to its beat).
We track alongside Dani and Christian as they walk uneasily
through the grass - past groups of happy, tripping strangers.
Christian’s eyes are glued tensely to the ground, combating
dark thoughts. Dani looks less frightened now than
disconnected.
They arrive at Josh, Mark and Pelle, who are now accompanied
by CONNIE, SIMON, INGEMAR and the BLONDE SWEDISH GUITARIST
(20s), who is still holding her guitar.
BLONDE SWEDISH GUITARIST
Hej hej!

MARK PELLE
Where were you? How are you, Dani?
CHRISTIAN
(insistent)
We’re fine. She’s fine. Just took a
little walk.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 30
29 CONTINUED: 29

JOSH
(excitedly)
Did you see the trees with the dead
boars hanging?!
DANI
(to Pelle)
I wanna sleep. How can I sleep?
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Dani, high on drugs, descends into a terrifying hallucination in the woods. She feels a menacing presence and sees a dead rabbit devoured by ants, triggering a panicked reaction. Christian finds her and tries to ground her in reality, reassuring her she isn't alone, but her fear remains, fueled by visions of dead boars hanging from a tree. Christian, though worried, insists they are not real, attributing her experiences to the drugs. They return to the group, with Dani appearing withdrawn and Christian visibly tense.
Strengths
  • Effective use of imagery to create a sense of horror and unease
  • Strong emotional impact on the audience
  • Exploration of existential themes through character experiences
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced to enhance character depth and development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conveys a sense of unease through its unsettling imagery and emotional turmoil experienced by the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a hallucinatory experience in a remote forest setting, combined with themes of existential dread and isolation, is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dani's hallucinations reveal deeper fears and anxieties, adding layers to the narrative and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the protagonist's hallucinations and existential crisis, as well as the eerie setting of the woods. The dialogue feels authentic and raw, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the hallucinatory events and their interactions contribute to the escalating tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Dani undergoes a significant emotional transformation as she confronts her deepest fears and grapples with existential questions, leading to a profound shift in her worldview.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her feelings of loneliness and fear. She grapples with the idea of being alone and the existential dread that accompanies it.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find her way back to her group and safety after getting lost in the woods. She is seeking comfort and reassurance from her friends.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal and external conflicts faced by the characters, including Dani's hallucinations and Christian's attempts to calm her, create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test her beliefs and fears. The uncertainty of her hallucinations adds to the opposition.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Dani's hallucinations and Christian's attempts to help her create a sense of danger and urgency, raising the tension in the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' arcs and setting up further conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the protagonist's hallucinations and the unexpected twists in her emotional journey. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's existential crisis and her realization of the insignificance of human existence. This challenges her beliefs about connection and meaning in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, loneliness, and despair, drawing the audience into the characters' psychological turmoil.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotional states and adds to the atmosphere of fear and confusion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, existential themes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, as well as allowing for emotional moments to resonate with the reader. The rhythm of the writing enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the writing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external struggles. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • This scene is a bit repetitive and over-explains Dani's state of mind. The constant repetition of "You're alone" feels like hammering a point home rather than allowing the audience to interpret Dani's emotional breakdown.
  • The scene uses too much exposition. Dani's thoughts should be shown, not told. For example, rather than saying "nothing means anything" she should act in a way that conveys that feeling, like staring blankly at the sky or making vague gestures.
  • The use of Christian's "Fuck" feels excessive and weakens the scene. It comes across as a crutch for the writer to express Christian's concern. Christian should respond in a way that feels more authentic and empathetic.
  • The scene seems to be attempting to create a sense of psychedelic horror but it's not fully realized. The visual descriptions of the ants and the dead boars are not particularly frightening. The scene needs more imagery and sensory details to create a sense of unease.
  • The scene is also not clear about how much of what Dani is experiencing is real. Is she really seeing dead boars, or is it all a hallucination? This ambiguity could be more effectively used to build suspense and dread.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with unanswered questions. We don't see how the other characters react to Dani's breakdown, and we don't know what happens next. The ending feels disjointed and could be more effective with a clear resolution.
  • The dialogue between Dani and Christian feels contrived and clunky. The constant repetition of phrases like "You have me" and "Everything's connected" feels overly simplistic and doesn't resonate with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Show Dani's fear and paranoia through her actions and reactions rather than through constant exposition. For example, she could tremble, clutch her clothes, or make frantic movements.
  • Cut down on the internal monologue and let the audience infer Dani's thoughts and feelings through her actions and reactions.
  • Remove the excessive use of "Fuck." Find alternative ways to express Christian's concern and urgency, such as using more concise dialogue or showing his reactions through body language.
  • Enhance the visuals to create a more immersive and unsettling experience. Use vivid imagery and sensory details to describe the woods, the ants, the dead boars, and the pulsating ground. Use sound effects to create a sense of unease and dread.
  • Emphasize the ambiguity of Dani's reality. Don't reveal too quickly if she's hallucinating or if the disturbing things she's seeing are actually real. Use this ambiguity to build suspense.
  • End the scene with a stronger closure. Show how the other characters react to Dani's breakdown. Offer a hint of what's to come. The ending should leave a lasting impression on the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dani and Christian to make it feel more natural and authentic. Avoid using clichéd phrases and focus on creating dialogue that reveals their characters and their relationship.



Scene 11 -  Arrival at the Hårga Farmstead
29A EXT. LARGE GRASSY MEADOW - WOODS - HOURS LATER 29A
CLOSE-UP OF DANI’S SLEEPING FACE.
In the distance: a faint, barely discernible melody. It
sounds like a flute.
A HAND reaches into frame to nudge Dani. She stirs awake.
CHRISTIAN (O.C.)
It’s time to get up.
DANI
...how long was I asleep?
Dani sits up. It’s still BRIGHT outside. The visual
surroundings are no longer morphing. Mark and Pelle and Josh
are standing. Christian is crouched beside her.
DANI (CONT’D)
Did it get dark at all?
PELLE
For a couple hours. Not completely.
Then something occurs to Dani:
DANI
Is it tomorrow?
CHRISTIAN
I mean...from yesterday’s
perspective.
Dani looks at Christian, whose expression is blank. She
SINKS with quiet disappointment. (He forgot her birthday.)
Christian helps Dani up. She wobbles.
DANI
Where are we going?
PELLE
Where we came for.

30 EXT. WOODS - DAY 30
Everyone from the meadow CRUNCHES through the woods. Our
group is at the end of the queue (carrying their bags). As
they walk, the MELODY is growing clearer and louder. It’s a
hypnotic tune.

The group’s footing is unsteady. Dani, especially, keeps
stumbling over her own feet. She grips Christian’s wrist.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 31
30 CONTINUED: 30

MARK
(starting to take large,
paranoid steps)
Does Sweden have ticks?

CHRISTIAN
Sweden has a tick problem.

MARK
What? No they don’t. Do they
really?

PELLE
It actually is a big problem. Last
summer a record number of people
got tick-borne encephalitis.


MARK JOSH
What the fuck? Are you (teasing)
serious? Both my grandparents died
from ticks. Hit the floor
screaming.

Dani notices a few disparate FLOWERS sprouting up from the
ground. As she walks, the flowers continue to accumulate.
Soon she’s walking down a controlled, narrow TRAIL of wild
yellow flowers - all leading toward a CLEARING.

MARK (O.S.)
Okay, well, I actually have an
uncle with Lyme and believe me:
it’s not worth the pleasant picnic
in the countryside.

The group finally arrives at the clearing. It opens to
another FIELD, beyond which is a SMALL VILLAGE...

31 EXT. HÅRGA FARMSTEAD - CONTINUOUS 31
It is a vast Hälsingegård (a farm). About a HUNDRED PEOPLE
stand on the grass, waiting. They are dressed like farmers
from a Swedish fairy tale. They appear to be a WELCOMING
COMMITTEE. The melody, we now see, is being played by three
floutists. A bundle of SPEAKERS (aimed upwards) amplifies
this.

At the center of the farm is one particularly LARGE building
in the shape of a barn; this is the MAIN HOUSE. Surrounding
this are several houses, a horse stable, a temple, and
different gardens. The windows and doorways are all adorned
in ST. JOHN’S WORT (flowers with bright yellow petals and
golden stamens). Beyond the farmstead are fields of CROPS.

Most of the arriving crowd is embraced ecstatically by the
welcoming committee. They hug and kiss and squeal with
excitement. It appears to be something of a REUNION. Pelle,
in particular, is bombarded with affection. (Many of the
arriving youths have ornamented robes/costumes thrown over
them by the older people.)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 32
31 CONTINUED: 31

JOSH
(mesmerized)
This is the place?

PELLE
(slightly tongue-in-cheek)
The tranquil and majestic Hårga.

Josh, Mark, Christian and Dani stand awkwardly through this.
Some children walk up to them, to hand them wild strawberries
on sticks. Others step up to take their bags. Josh,
meanwhile, is manically taking photos with his smartphone.

CHRISTIAN
(to Pelle)
You know all these people?

PELLE
These are my family!

MARK (O.S.)
You know, dude, if you’d warned me
that this place was lousy with
ticks, I could’ve at least brought
tweezers and like a spray.

In the distance is a towering MAYPOLE. Immense in height and
width, it is entangled in lush green shrubbery and marked by
a wealth of symbols. At the top of the pole is a TRIANGLE,
beneath which hang two RINGS.

While some of the welcoming committee take bags from our
group, Pelle brings a beautiful young woman over. This is
DAGNY (25). She wears a white dress with intricate embroidery
(featuring distinct Pagan runes).

PELLE
Dagny - det här är Dani, Christian,
Josh, Mark.
(in English, to the guys)
This is my sister Dagny. Born on
the same exact week as me.

DAGNY
Välkommen till Hårga!


DANI JOSH/CHRISTIAN
(attempting Swedish)
Tack! Thank you!

Dagny smiles and walks off.

An older man, ODD (50s), approaches. He is wearing a dress.
Pelle lights up at the sight of him.

PELLE ODD
Fader Odd! Lille Pelle!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 33
31 CONTINUED: 31

They embrace. There is a moment where they rest their
foreheads together. (Note: throughout the film, the Hårgas
will communicate little things through subtly modulated
expressions and gestures. These are their AFFECTS, a language
known only to them.)

ODD (CONT’D)
Hur är det på pilgrimsfärden?

PELLE
Underbart, Fantastiskt.
(in English)
These are my friends - Christian,
Mark, Josh, Dani...

Odd shakes their hands as Pelle introduces them.

ODD
Hello, hello...yes, hello, welcome.
(to Dani)
Welcome home!

He HUGS Dani.

DANI
(amused, but slightly
weirded out)
Thank you.

ODD
We are very happy to have you!
Pelle has an immaculate sense for
people.

Pelle smiles.

DANI
I love what you’re wearing.

ODD
Oh - my frock? Quite girly, no? Ha!
(explains)
We do this as a tribute: In respect
of Ymir and because of nature’s,
em...
(blushes at bad English)
hermaphrodite?...qualities...?

JOSH
Oh wow, that’s like the cult of
Aphroditus.
(then, remembering)
I think the sakhis saints do the
same thing, too - in Brajbhoomi?

If Odd is annoyed, he hides it well. He shines a tight-lipped
SMILE at Josh.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 34
31 CONTINUED: 31

ODD
So! We’re your hosts, yes?! So
whatever you need, you just say so
and we will accommodate! Today is
all festivities, yet tomorrow the
official ceremonies begin, and you
are Welcome-Welcome-Welcome. So
enjoy!

They all say thanks and Odd walks happily away.

MARK
Nice guy.

The music suddenly gets LOUDER. Percussion is introduced, and
the music swells to become a regal melody.

Everyone’s attention moves to TEN GIRLS & BOYS (different
ages - from 7 to 13), all dressed in identical white dresses
and suits. They hold FLORAL GARLAND CROWNS (made of mugwort
and vervain) and sprigs of LARKSPUR. They are walking single-
file towards a PLATFORM...
Sitting on the platform are TEN OLD MEN AND WOMEN (60s to
early 70s). These are the ELDERS. They wear severe or neutral
expressions, and are dressed in finely embroidered linen.
The girls and boys march onto the platform. They each stop to
the left of one of the seated elders. Upon a cue, they
simultaneously lay the crowns onto the elders’ heads. (Two of
the elders receive slightly larger crowns.) They then hand
the elders the larkspur sprigs. After this, the girls return
bashfully to the crowd.
One of the elders - a sturdy older woman (60s) - rises to
address the crowd. The music drops out. She is beautiful,
composed, elegant. This is SIV, the spokeswoman.
SIV
Glad midsommar allihopa!

As she speaks, several TEENS - all wearing outfits to
distinguish them as waiters - pass out shot glasses of
AQUAVIT.

SIV (CONT’D)
Välkomna till bords. Vi har den
värsta värmeböljan i mannaminne,
vilket är passande. Som ni vet så
är det här festen vi förberett oss
för i 90 år.

She notices the non-Swedish speakers, who are just arriving
at the back of the crowd. They receive shot glasses.

SIV (CONT’D)
Forgive me - I’m excluding the ones
who aren’t of Swedish tongue!
Welcome to Hårga, and happy
midsummer!
(MORE)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 35
31 CONTINUED: 31
SIV (CONT’D)
I believe it is the hottest and
brightest that we’ve had in at
least a decade, and this is our
biggest party in almost a century!
So - wow, yes?

JOSH/DANI/CHRISTIAN/CONNIE
(as if solicited)
Yeah. Wow.

Siv smiles, and proceeds to wrap it up.

SIV
All right, my fellow merrymakers.
Without any further blathering -
let’s raise our glasses -

Everyone raises their aquavit.

SIV (CONT’D)
- and let our Nine-Day Feast
commence!
(announcing)
Skål!

EVERYONE
Skål!!

The crowd drinks. Everyone CHEERS. Including our group. The
MUSIC begins again.



On one side of the platform: A young GIRL, also wearing an
embroidered white dress, walks up with a JUNIPER BOUGH in
each hand. She is accompanied by a TEENAGE BOY, who holds two
FLAMING TORCHES. Meanwhile, two of the ELDERS (72) have risen
from their seats. These are YLVA and DAN. They are the elders
with the larger crowns. They move off the stage.
Siv now speaks in English, presumably for our group’s benefit.
(As she does this, the young girl and teen boy hand the elderly
men a juniper bough and flaming stick.)
SIV
And now, in keeping with tradition:
Ylva and Dan will make three trips.
If they return with the flame
intact, our vintage will be abundant
this year! Alternately, if it burns
out - that will be an omen of bad
luck and we will know to prepare.
Josh turns to Pelle.
JOSH
What does “bad luck” mean?
PELLE
Usually that the cattle will get
sick.

Siv yells to the air:
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 36
31 CONTINUED: 31

SIV
Tillbaka till döden, andar!
JOSH
(to Pelle)
What did she just say?

PELLE
Told any lingering spirits to go
back to the dead.
The two large-crowned elders, now BLINDFOLDED, begin to run
around the Main House, holding up their flaming
sticks.(Everyone watches, rapt.) They pick up the pace to
finish their first cycle around the house. They then begins
circling it again.
JOSH
(to Pelle)
Can I take photos?
PELLE
(winks)
Discretely.
The elders finish their second cycle around the house, and
immediately begin a third. The community seems to be holding
its collective breath. The elders FINISH the third run-around
to reveal that Ylva’s fire is still burning, but...Dan’s
flame has been EXTINGUISHED.
A man in the audience, ISAK (50s), lets out a GASP when he
sees this. Everyone else sinks audibly with disappointment.
The elders, having finished, remove their blindfold. The
elder with the extinguished torch DEFLATES. Siv gestures
sadly to the crowd: “There we have it.”
Isak looks absolutely devastated. Christian’s eyes are on
him.
CHRISTIAN
(to Pelle)
He okay?
PELLE
Haha. The cattle are his
responsibility.
Isak’s eyes stare off, unblinking. Heartbroken. He looks to
the CATTLE HOUSE, eyes filling with tears.
MARK
(to Pelle and Christian)
How do you think he’d react if I
just put my finger in his butt
right now?
Continuing the ritual, Siv takes the torches from the elders
and walks to a healthy FIRE in a pit (this fire is always
burning; never to be allowed to extinguish).
PELLE
(to Josh and Christian)
That fire hasn’t burned out since
before I was born. It’s all of our
jobs to keep it going.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 37
31 CONTINUED: 31
Siv deposits the sticks into the fire.
SIV PELLE (CONT'D)
Hit men inte högre, lågorna
mina. Inte varmare! (translating)
Uh - this high is my fire,
but not higher or hotter.
(explaining)
It’s to keep the fire from
growing out of control.
Josh WRITES this down in his notebook. Christian WATCHES
Josh, slightly perturbed.
Siv now accepts a BOWL OF BEER from one of the children. She
drinks a healthy gulp, and then throws the rest into the
fire. Everyone now APPLAUDS, clapping silently. This seems to
be the end of the ritual.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary The group arrives at the Hårga farmstead, a vibrant community celebrating a traditional 9-day pagan feast. They are greeted with warmth and wild strawberries, and Pelle introduces his family. A welcoming ceremony unfolds, with elders receiving floral crowns and sprigs of larkspur. A fire ritual, meant to predict the harvest, is performed by two elders, Ylva and Dan, who carry flaming torches. When Dan's torch goes out, signifying bad luck for the cattle, the community reacts with a sense of worry, particularly Isak, who is responsible for the cattle.
Strengths
  • Unique cultural elements
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited depth in dialogue
  • Some confusion for non-Swedish speakers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a mysterious and foreboding tone, introduces a unique cultural ritual, and creates strong emotional reactions from the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a traditional Swedish midsummer ritual combined with horror elements is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the introduction of the ritual and the emotional reactions of the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and cultural elements, blending traditional rituals with modern characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react emotionally to the ritual, showing depth and vulnerability.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience emotional shifts due to the ritual outcome, showing vulnerability and depth.

Internal Goal: 8

Dani's internal goal is to feel appreciated and remembered, as reflected in her disappointment when Christian forgets her birthday.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the unfamiliar surroundings and customs of the village.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the failure of one of the elders in the ritual, leading to disappointment and tension.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and unexpected outcomes that challenge the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the ritual outcome could impact the community's future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a key cultural ritual and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events and interactions, such as the ritual outcome and the characters' reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the modern world represented by the protagonist and the traditional, communal values of the village. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the ritual outcome.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is mainly informative and ceremonial, lacking in depth or emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, humor, and tension. The interactions between characters and the unfolding of the ritual keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual reveal of information and events that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and introduction of key elements. It transitions smoothly between different interactions and events.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a weak opening. We jump right into dialogue with Dani waking up, without a strong visual introduction to the Hårga farmstead or the atmosphere. This leaves the reader confused about the setting and the tone of the scene. It's not clear what we're supposed to be feeling.
  • The dialogue feels expository and lacking in natural flow. Lines like "Did it get dark at all?" and "Where we came for." are clunky and lack the emotional weight they should have, given the intense events of the previous scene. The characters' conversation feels like they're checking off boxes of information rather than having a real conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or driving force. While the characters are in a new and somewhat intimidating location, there's no sense of urgency or tension. The pacing is slow and lacks a focus on what the characters are struggling with.
  • The introduction of the Hårga farmstead is underwhelming. The description is mostly functional and lacks any emotional impact. We learn about the people, the buildings, and the traditions, but we don't feel a sense of awe, mystery, or even curiosity about this unique place.
  • The character of Mark is too broad and comedic, undermining the scene's tension and the overall eerie tone. His constant quips and exaggerated reactions about ticks create a jarring disconnect with the serious atmosphere and the disturbing events that have transpired in previous scenes.
  • The welcoming ceremony, with the floral crowns and the elder’s speech, feels rushed and awkward. The dialogue feels clunky and lacks the gravitas it should have. The speech itself feels too long and expository, lacking a clear purpose or emotional impact on the characters.
  • The introduction of the flaming torch ritual is interesting, but its significance to the story and characters is not made clear. We learn about the tradition of predicting the harvest, but the scene lacks a payoff. The ending with Isak and the cattle feels rushed and anti-climactic.
  • The scene's overall tone feels uneven, shifting between a light-hearted tone with the Hårga welcoming ceremony and a sense of unease with Dani's lingering anxiety. The disjointed tone makes it difficult for the reader to fully invest in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a strong visual introduction to the Hårga farmstead. Use imagery and evocative language to paint a vivid picture of the place, emphasizing the unique atmosphere and the contrast between the beauty and the strangeness of this community.
  • Focus on Dani's emotional state and how it influences her reactions to this new environment. Show her anxieties, her disorientation, and her struggle to find her footing in this strange place. Show rather than tell.
  • Develop the conflict between Dani and Christian. The scene suggests their relationship is strained, but the details are not fully explored. Show how their differences in perception and reaction to the situation are impacting their bond.
  • Introduce the Hårga farmstead and its inhabitants with more depth and nuance. Show us what makes this place so unique and how it differs from the world Dani knows. Highlight the cultural differences and traditions that may make her feel uncomfortable or intrigued.
  • Refine Mark's character and dialogue to better fit the tone and theme of the story. Don't use humor at the expense of the overall atmosphere or the seriousness of the situation.
  • Expand and develop the welcoming ceremony. Focus on the visual aspects of the ceremony, the intricate details of the clothing and the unique traditions. Show how the ceremony impacts the characters and their sense of place.
  • Give the flaming torch ritual more weight and significance. Explore the symbolism behind this tradition and the cultural importance it holds for the Hårgan people. Show how the ritual impacts the characters emotionally and how it adds to the overall mystery of the place.
  • Refine the tone and pacing of the scene. Establish a consistent tone and a clear sense of direction for the story. Show the characters' responses to the events happening in the Hårga farmstead.



Scene 12 -  Feast of Traditions
31A EXT. HÄRGA FARMSTEAD - MINUTES LATER 31A
A group of TEENAGERS (all dressed in bright, formal garb)
emerge from a kitchen. They carry PLATES OF FOOD (lamb and
blood pudding) and BEER. They begin by serving the elders.
Dani sees that one of the teens is carrying an ornate platter
featuring a LAMB’S SKULL (brain exposed) and a LAMB’S HEART.
The platter is bordered by a dense spiral of INTESTINES. This
is laid onto the center of a table that has been
painstakingly decorated with local flowers.
PELLE
That’s a tradition. They just
killed that lamb today.

One server dumps a generous plate of food into the fire.
Other servers now move to our group, who are settling onto
the grass. They are handed plates and beers.
DANI PELLE (CONT'D)
(to Pelle)
Can we help at all? No no. You’re the guests. Let
yourselfs be spoiled.
One boy, RUBEN (15), walks up to Dani. He is severely
mentally handicapped and his face is horribly deformed. He’s
dressed in gorgeous linen.
RUBEN DANI
(with difficulty) (shocked)
Hej hej! Oh!
Ruben walks off. As he ambles aimlessly, people reach out to
lovingly TOUCH him - as if in reverence.
PELLE
You just met Ruben.

MARK (O.S.)
I’m sure he’s got a great
personality.
The teens finish serving. They now sit with plates of their own.
Mark has already started eating. Josh NUDGES him. Nobody else
has begun. Mark bashfully sets down his fork.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 38
31A CONTINUED: 31A
Silence.
Siv, the matriarch, looks to a jolly elder, STEN (60s),
sitting beside her. He stands, takes a moment, and then SINGS
a brief song to the air, as if in PRAYER.
PELLE
(whispering to Josh and Christian)
He’s giving thanks.
JOSH PELLE (CONT'D)
For the food? Yes. And the weather, and the
crops...
Sten finishes his song, and then announces:
STEN
Låt oss äta!
Everyone digs in.
CHRISTIAN
Was that praying?
PELLE
Uh - maybe not “praying.” But he
was just addressing
the...everything. The harmony and
the balance.
JOSH
Can you translate what was sung?
PELLE CHRISTIAN
...I can get a translation (jumping in)
from him later. Yeah, please, that would be
amazing.
JOSH
(eyes now burning on
Christian)
...Yes, Pelle, thank you.
Christian looks at Josh. A CHARGED moment. They start eating.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary At the Härgå farmstead, a group of teenagers in formal attire serves a platter featuring a lamb's skull and heart to the elders, marking the end of a ritual and the beginning of a feast. Elder Sten sings a song of thanks to nature, while Pelle explains the farm's traditions to Dani, Josh, and Christian. Tensions arise between Josh and Christian, and Mark is reminded of the importance of respect when he attempts to eat before the song concludes. The scene is visually striking, filled with reverence for tradition, culminating in the communal act of eating.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere
  • Intriguing concept
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a disturbing and tense atmosphere, introduces unique elements such as the mentally handicapped character Ruben, and advances the plot by immersing the characters in the mysterious traditions of the Hårga community.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a traditional Swedish feast in a pagan community, combined with elements of horror and mystery, is intriguing and well-executed. The introduction of Ruben adds depth to the scene and highlights the cultural and emotional complexities of the setting.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters experience the traditions and rituals of the Hårga community, setting the stage for further exploration of the mysterious and disturbing elements of the story. The tension between Christian and Josh adds a layer of conflict and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements and rituals, such as the feast with traditional food and the presence of a mentally handicapped character, adding authenticity and depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters interact with the unique setting and traditions of the Hårga community, showcasing their reactions to the unfamiliar and unsettling environment. Ruben's presence adds emotional depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Dani experiences internal turmoil and fear as she navigates the unfamiliar and unsettling environment of the Hårga community. Christian and Josh's dynamic is tested, leading to a charged moment that hints at potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the unfamiliar and potentially unsettling customs of the farmstead. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and belonging in a new environment.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the feast and socialize with the other guests. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a different cultural setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains interpersonal conflict between Christian and Josh, as well as internal conflict for Dani as she navigates the unsettling environment of the Hårga community. The presence of Ruben adds a layer of emotional conflict and tension.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in adapting to the unfamiliar customs and navigating the complex dynamics of the farmstead.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene are represented by the characters' emotional and psychological turmoil as they navigate the unsettling environment of the Hårga community. The introduction of Ruben and the charged moment between Christian and Josh raise the stakes and add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by immersing the characters in the traditions and rituals of the Hårga community, setting the stage for further exploration of the mysterious and disturbing elements of the story. The tension between Christian and Josh adds intrigue and conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between the characters and the revelation of the farmstead's customs and rituals.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's discomfort with the unfamiliar customs and rituals of the farmstead, contrasting with the community's reverence for tradition and harmony.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, shock, and confusion in the characters and the audience, as they experience the disturbing and mysterious elements of the Hårga community. The introduction of Ruben and the charged moment between Christian and Josh add emotional depth and complexity.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to convey information about the traditions and rituals of the Hårga community, as well as the dynamics between the characters. The charged moment between Christian and Josh adds tension and conflict to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its richly detailed setting, complex character dynamics, and underlying tension that keeps the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of interaction between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with a gradual buildup of tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment of revelation and interaction between the characters.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit static and exposition heavy. While it's important to establish the ritualistic nature of the Hårga community, the scene could benefit from a bit more conflict or action.
  • The dialogue in this scene is quite expository and lacks natural flow. For example, Pelle constantly explains what is happening, which feels like he's talking directly to the audience. This could be improved by having him converse naturally with the others.
  • The scene focuses heavily on food and eating, which might make the scene feel tedious. It's good to show the ritualistic aspect, but it might feel more compelling if it had more focus on other aspects of the Hårga culture.
  • The introduction of Ruben feels clunky. His character is introduced and then quickly dismissed. The scene could explore his role in the community or his interaction with the group further.
  • The charged moment between Josh and Christian at the end of the scene feels a bit underdeveloped. It is unclear what the nature of their conflict is and why it's creating tension. This could be built upon further in the scene or future scenes.
  • The scene might benefit from some more visual details. While the scene establishes the setting and costumes, it could benefit from descriptions that further immerse the reader in the world of the Hårga farmstead.
  • The ending of the scene, with everyone applauding after the ritual, feels a bit abrupt. It could be made more dynamic by incorporating a reaction from Dani or the other characters.
  • The scene could benefit from some more character development. It's good to introduce the elders and their roles, but the scene might be more engaging if we see more of their personality and relationships with each other and the community.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more conflict into the scene. Perhaps Dani reacts to the lamb skull or has a different reaction to the ritual than the other characters. You could also introduce tension between the teenagers and the group.
  • Try to create more natural dialogue. Instead of having Pelle constantly explain things, have him engage in a discussion with the other characters about the traditions. This will make the scene more engaging and realistic.
  • Focus on other aspects of Hårga culture besides food. Explore their relationships, beliefs, or rituals in more detail.
  • Expand the role of Ruben. Maybe he interacts with Dani or another character, revealing more about his character and the community's view of him.
  • Develop the conflict between Josh and Christian. This could involve a misunderstanding, a clash of personalities, or a competition for Pelle's attention.
  • Incorporate more sensory details into the scene. Use vivid descriptions of the Hårga farmstead, the food, the costumes, and the sounds of the ritual to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • End the scene with a stronger impact. This could involve Dani expressing her feelings about the ritual, or the other characters reacting to the tension between Josh and Christian.
  • Give the elders more personality and depth. Explore their history, their relationship with the community, or their opinions about the group's presence.



Scene 13 -  A Dance of Tensions
32 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 32
A beautiful, long-haired girl (16) stands before a mirror,
anxiously fussing with her hair. She needs it to look
perfect. This is MAJA.
33 EXT. HÅRGA FARMSTEAD - MINUTES LATER 33
Maja emerges from the MAIN HOUSE. All the younger Hårgans
have joined hands to form a train of people. They run and
dance in a long chain (”the long dance”). The MAYPOLE stands
at the center of their circle.
Maja timidly watches the dance, smiling. Her eyes trail off
to find our group. She alights on CHRISTIAN, instantly
smitten. It almost looks like she recognizes him.
One of the dancing boys suddenly GRABS Maja’s hand. He PULLS
her into the train. She LAUGHS as she joins, being pulled
suddenly into a HUMAN TUNNEL.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 39


33A EXT. HÅRGA FARMSTEAD - MEANWHILE 33A
MEANWHILE: Our group is still sitting in the same place
(along with Connie and Ingemar). They watch the passing
dancers with fascination.
PELLE
You guys should join!
DANI
I’m too scared.
SIMON approaches, carrying two beers. He momentarily gets
caught in the crossfire of a group of YOUNG BOYS CHASING EACH
OTHER. He finally reaches Connie, and hands her a beer.

SIMON CONNIE
Alright? Ta.

Simon sits.
SIMON
(re: the boys)
What are they playing?
PELLE
“Skin the fool!”

CONNIE
Skin the fool?
SIMON
(sarcastic)
Precious.
Dani notices Ingemar STARING at Simon and Connie. He looks
resentful. He finally averts his eyes and forces a smile.
MAJA, in the dancing train, is about to pass the group. She
summons the nerve to gently KICK Christian’s back. Christian
looks up to see Maja passing by. She SMILES bashfully at him.
He confusedly smiles back.
Dani notices Christian smiling, but doesn’t see Maja (who has
already turned away).
Christian RISES, suddenly feeling bold.
CHRISTIAN PELLE
(to Pelle)
How can I join the...? You’re American. Just jam
yourself in there.
Christian uneasily JUMPS IN. He joins hands with two girls.
Josh rises to follow Christian. Dani’s EYES follow them.
Pelle takes this opportunity to turn covertly to Dani:
PELLE (CONT’D)
Hey: very quick:
He hands her a folded up DRAWING.
PELLE (CONT’D)
Happy birthday.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 40
33A CONTINUED: 33A
Dani, surprised, opens the paper. It’s a drawing of her FACE
(donned with an extremely lush floral crown). The style is
simple, but her likeness is captured beautifully.
DANI
Oh - my gosh. Pelle!
PELLE DANI (CONT'D)
It’s just something I do for
birthdays. Maybe it’s not
appropriate? Oh my God, not at all! It’s
wonderful. Thank you, Pelle.
I’m so touched.
PELLE
Anyway. Just between us.
DANI
Yeah, well - don’t worry. Christian
forgot.
Pelle PAUSES, surprised. He doesn’t know what to say.
DANI (CONT’D)
(immediately regretting)
Or - I forgot to remind him. It
doesn’t matter. Thank you so much
for this, Pelle. It’s beautiful.
She folds the drawing back up.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary At the Hårga Farmstead, a group gathers to watch 'The Long Dance.' Maja playfully kicks Christian as she joins the dance, prompting him to participate after some encouragement from Pelle. Dani feels hesitant about joining, while Simon shares a beer with Connie, causing resentment in Ingemar. Pelle gifts Dani a birthday drawing, which she appreciates. The scene captures a lighthearted yet tense atmosphere, highlighted by subtle romantic tensions between Christian and Maja, and a charged moment between Christian and Josh.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Intriguing concept
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, with strong emotional moments and a sense of unease. The introduction of the Hårga farmstead and its rituals adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of outsiders experiencing a mysterious and unsettling pagan festival in Sweden is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters immerse themselves in the rituals of the Hårga farmstead, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to traditional rituals and explores themes of connection and belonging in a unique setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, with Dani experiencing emotional turmoil and Christian showing a mix of boldness and uncertainty.

Character Changes: 7

Dani undergoes a significant emotional journey, from anxiety and fear to a sense of connection and acceptance.

Internal Goal: 8

Maja's internal goal is to catch Christian's attention and make a connection with him. This reflects her desire for companionship and possibly love.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the traditional dance and integrate into the community. This reflects the immediate challenge of fitting in and being accepted by the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a sense of internal and external conflict, with Dani's emotional turmoil and the mysterious rituals of the Hårga farmstead creating tension.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters become more entangled in the mysterious and potentially dangerous traditions of the Hårga farmstead.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' involvement in the Hårga rituals and setting up further conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional reactions of the characters and the shifting dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Maja's desire for connection and Christian's initial hesitation to engage with her. This challenges Maja's belief in the power of love and connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through Dani's experiences and the eerie atmosphere of the farmstead.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is natural and serves to reveal character dynamics and emotions, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between characters, the emotional depth of their interactions, and the sense of mystery surrounding their relationships.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene captures a moment of transition and emotional complexity, particularly for Dani, who feels neglected by Christian while Pelle's gesture of giving her a drawing adds a layer of emotional depth. However, the pacing feels uneven; the shift from Maja's excitement to the group's more subdued dynamic could be smoother to enhance the flow.
  • Maja's introduction is visually engaging, but her characterization lacks depth. While she is portrayed as anxious and smitten, adding a line or two that reveals her internal conflict or desires could make her more relatable and memorable.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels somewhat stilted at times, particularly in the exchange about the game 'Skin the fool.' This could be an opportunity to inject humor or more natural banter to showcase the group's camaraderie and lighten the mood amidst the tension.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual storytelling, and while this is effective, it could benefit from a more explicit connection between the characters' emotional states and their actions. For instance, Dani's hesitation to join the dance could be mirrored by her body language or inner thoughts, making her emotional struggle more palpable.
  • The moment where Dani receives Pelle's drawing is poignant, but it could be enhanced by emphasizing the contrast between her feelings of being forgotten by Christian and the warmth of Pelle's gesture. This could deepen the audience's understanding of her emotional state and the dynamics at play.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding Maja's internal monologue or adding a brief flashback that provides insight into her feelings about Christian, making her more than just a passive character in the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to sound more natural and engaging. For example, instead of the sarcastic comment about 'Skin the fool,' perhaps have Simon make a playful remark that reveals more about his character and relationship with the others.
  • Use visual cues to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, show Dani's body language as she watches Christian and Maja interact, emphasizing her feelings of jealousy or sadness.
  • Strengthen the emotional impact of Pelle's drawing by incorporating a moment where Dani reflects on her relationship with Christian, contrasting it with Pelle's kindness. This could add depth to her character and the scene overall.
  • Ensure that the transitions between Maja's excitement and the group's more serious mood are seamless. Consider using a visual motif or sound cue that ties both moments together, enhancing the overall atmosphere.



Scene 14 -  Uneasy Revelations at Håрga Estate
34 EXT. HÅRGA FIELD - MINUTES LATER 34
The dance is over, although separate groups are still dancing
and playing in the BG.
Pelle is now leading our group on a TOUR. (Ingemar, Connie
and Simon have joined along.) We track alongside.
JOSH
How do you guys support this place?
PELLE INGEMAR
Lumbering, linen,
homeopathics... Water power plant.
They pass a CIRCLE OF CHILDREN, accompanied by a teacher (Dan).
They’re carving RUNIC SYMBOLS into smooth BONES.
PELLE
Schooltime over here.

CHRISTIAN
Carving runes?

Dan takes a break from teaching to look up and smile
confirmation.
PELLE
(to Dani)
Then they put it under their pillow
and dream about its power.
Dani makes an “ooh” face. Josh makes a NOTE of this.
Christian sees that they’re now passing an old RUNESTONE (on
their other side). It stands erect in an untended field.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 41
34 CONTINUED: 34
CHRISTIAN JOSH
Oh man - there’s a serious
one. Oh shit!
CHRISTIAN
Which alphabet is that from?
JOSH
(quick to answer)
Looks like the younger Futhark.
(to Pelle)
Right? Or is that medieval?
INGEMAR
That’s actually the Elder Futhark.
Josh nods “Ah, right” - visibly pained to be wrong.
CONNIE
(to Christian and Dani)
So, how long’ve you two been
together?
DANI
Oh, jeez...almost four years now!
CHRISTIAN
(gently correcting)
Three and a half.
DANI
(serious pause)
You’re joking. It’ll be three in
fifteen days.
Christian thinks about that, and grudgingly concedes.
CHRISTIAN
Okay, no, that is true.
(off Dani’s look)
It is! You’re absolutely right.
He makes a “sowwy” face, kisses her incredulous cheek, and
changes the subject by asking Simon, Connie and Ingemar:
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
How did you guys all meet?
They look at each other. “Who answers?”
INGEMAR
Well...we were all working on the same
farm, and funny enough: I was dating
Connie when Simon and me first became
pals.
Simon’s eyes narrow. Connie looks very confused.
CONNIE
(correcting)
Well - we‘d been on a date. Which I
wasn’t even actually aware that it was a
date.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 42
34 CONTINUED: 34
INGEMAR
(backtracking jovially)
Right, no, I meant that Connie and
me had just become friends - we
decided to be friends - and that was
just before Connie and Simon started
dating. And now they're engaged!
DANI INGEMAR (CONT'D)
Oh wow. Congratulations. Which is amazing. Yes.
Congratulations.
Simon and Connie look uncomfortable. They smile “thank you.”
SIMON
(to Dani)
We’ve actually asked Ingemar to
officiate the wedding.
DANI
(excited)
You did?
SIMON
Nope!

Everybody LAUGHS - including Ingemar.

Christian points out a GIANT TRIANGULAR HOUSE which stands
isolated in a large field. It has been painted a vivid
yellow. (Two teen boys hang out beside it.)
CHRISTIAN
What about that house?
PELLE
Ah, that’s like a sacred temple. No
one’s allowed in there.
CHRISTIAN
Looks like it was just built.

MARK
(mock sinister tune)
Ooooweeeyooooh.
Changing the subject, Pelle motions toward the MAIN HOUSE.
PELLE
Let me show you where we sleep!

He leads them toward it. Meanwhile, Ingemar leads Simon and
Connie in another direction.

INGEMAR
Here: come see the Rotvälta!
Our group walks off into the BG, and as they go, Ingemar and
his crew walk profile in the MG. We follow alongside them. On
their way, they pass a CAGED BEAR (which our group is also
passing with curiosity in the BG).

SIMON
So we’re just gonna ignore the
bear, then.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 43
34 CONTINUED: 34

INGEMAR
(acknowledging, deadpan)
That’s a bear.
Connie sees a LONG CARPET that has been hung up
(horizontally) on a clothesline in the FG. She approaches to
check it out. Simon follows.

CONNIE
This is fucking cool.
Continuing the lateral track, we move slowly along it (having
now become Connie’s POV). In a series of seven panels, the
carpet dramatizes the following...
1) A love-stricken girl in a server outfit (profile) stares
longingly, with hearts for eyes, at a boy sitting frontal..
2) The girl in a large field, walking backwards as she
gathers flowers. 3) A dual-panel, first depicting: The girl
laying flowers under her pillow. And then: the girl asleep,
dreaming about the boy. A dream bubble hovers over her head.
Inside of it: the girl and the boy (with spiraling eyes) are
kissing at their wedding. 4) The girl in the kitchen. She
crouches over a coffee cup and drips menstrual blood into the
cup. 5) A triple panel, first depicting: The girl snips off
her pubic hairs, then a close-up of the pubic hair being
snipped, and then the girl mixing the disparate hairs into
pancake batter. 6) The girl handing the boy the pancake as he
drinks the coffee. 7) The boy’s face, spirals for eyes. 8)
The boy kisses the girl, who is now pregnant in a wedding
dress. They both have hearts for eyes.
SIMON (O.S.)
Wait. Is she dripping period blood
into the drink?

CONNIE (O.S.)
How do you think I nailed you down?

We have passed the carpet to see our group arriving at the
Main House in the BG.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary As the group tours the Håрga estate, Pelle introduces them to various intriguing sights, including a school where children carve runes, a sacred triangular house, and a carpet illustrating a love story. Tensions arise when Ingemar reveals his past relationship with Connie, creating discomfort for her and Simon. The scene blends light-hearted exploration with underlying relationship conflicts, culminating in the group approaching the Main House.
Strengths
  • Detailed world-building
  • Intriguing setup for future events
  • Effective use of symbolism and foreshadowing
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or expository
  • Lack of clear direction in terms of plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and tense atmosphere, introduces key elements of the story, and provides valuable information about the characters and their surroundings.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a secluded Swedish community with unique traditions and rituals is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing new elements and deepening the mystery surrounding the Hårga farmstead, but it does not significantly advance the main storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements and rituals, such as carving runic symbols and the depiction on the carpet, which add authenticity and originality to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are fleshed out through their interactions and dialogue, revealing their personalities and relationships with each other.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and emotions, there is not a significant change in any character's arc during this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand the customs and beliefs of the community they are visiting. This reflects their curiosity, desire for knowledge, and willingness to immerse themselves in unfamiliar cultures.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to explore the village and learn about its history and traditions. This reflects their academic interests and desire to experience new cultures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between the characters, particularly in their relationships and interactions, but it is not the central focus of the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values between the characters creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised in terms of the characters' safety and well-being, as well as the mystery surrounding the Hårga farmstead, but the immediate danger is not explicitly stated.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements and information that contribute to the overall story, but it does not propel the plot forward significantly.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected cultural customs and interactions between characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between modern beliefs and ancient traditions. This challenges the protagonist's worldview and forces them to question their own cultural biases.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity in the audience, as well as providing emotional depth through the characters' reactions and experiences.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and helps to establish the relationships between the characters, as well as providing insight into their backgrounds and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, humor, and cultural exploration. The witty dialogue and quirky characters keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and intrigue, with a gradual reveal of the village's customs and traditions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene feels bogged down with exposition, particularly about the history of runes and the characters' relationships. The dialogue often feels clunky and expositional, hindering the flow of the scene.
  • The focus on the runestone and the carpet feels unnecessary. While it serves to introduce the visual language of the world, it feels disconnected from the main plot and characters' motivations.
  • The back and forth between characters about their relationships feels forced and adds little to the story. The dialogue regarding Connie and Simon’s relationship, for example, feels redundant and doesn’t contribute to the plot.
  • The humor, particularly the “Ooooweeeyooooh” moment and the exchange about Connie’s period blood, feels out of place and disrupts the otherwise somber tone of the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and a strong sense of purpose. It primarily serves as exposition and visual storytelling, which can be achieved more organically.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the exposition, using dialogue that reveals character and plot rather than simply information.
  • Focus on the characters' interactions and their reactions to the world around them, rather than on detailed descriptions of objects and locations.
  • Use the visual elements to create mood and atmosphere, rather than simply providing information.
  • Consider cutting the runestone and carpet sections entirely, or integrating them more organically with the main plot.
  • Explore how the characters' relationships affect the scene's dynamics. Show the tension between Christian and Josh, for example, in a way that reveals their personalities and potential conflicts.
  • Rework the comedic elements to fit the overall tone and purpose of the scene.
  • Create a central conflict or tension point that drives the scene forward, giving it a clear purpose and a sense of urgency.
  • Explore the characters' reactions to the sights and sounds of the Hårga farmstead in a way that reveals their personalities and their developing relationships with this new culture.



Scene 15 -  A New World, New Traditions
35 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - MINUTES LATER 35

Josh leads our group through the two-storied interior of the
huge, barn-shaped house. There is a large, square HOLE in the
floor of the second story (so both stories are visible to
each other). On both floors, the walls are lined with BEDS.
The center of the bottom story is bare, like a dance floor.

MARK
Holy shit!
(pointing out paintings)
Dick painting. Dick painting. Dick
with a pussy in the middle. A pussy
shitting out a dick.
Mark throws his bag onto one of them.
The group marvels at the walls, which are covered in
INTRICATE MURALS. Runic letters abound. The CEILING is
especially impressive.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 44
35 CONTINUED: 35
CHRISTIAN
Who all sleeps in here?
PELLE
All the younger ones. Until we turn
thirty-six. Then we move to the
laborer’s house.
JOSH
Why thirty-six?
Josh has pulled out his NOTEPAD, ready to write down Pelle’s
answer. Christian (almost in response) pulls out his phone,
ready to type. Pelle PAUSES at this. He then explains,
gesturing to a MURAL that dramatizes the following:
PELLE
We think of life like the seasons.
You are a child until 18, and
that’s the Spring. At some point
we all do our Pilgrimage, and
that’s between 18 and 36. That is
Summer. Then, from 36 to 54,
you’re of working age, which is
Fall. And finally from 54 to 72,
you become a mentor.
Josh and Christian have written all this down - their eyes
intermittently piercing each other. (Josh finishes with “53-
72 -- Mentor -- WINTER”.)
DANI
What happens when you turn 72,
then?
Pelle makes a comical THROAT SLASH gesture. Dani laughs, and
begins to walk off.
CHRISTIAN MARK
Not a lot of privacy. What do
you do when you need to jerk
off? Or give yourself an enema.
Now that Dani is away, Pelle crosses quietly to Christian. He
covertly ushers him aside.
Dani has found a wall of many FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS. They all
feature a different young woman dressed in ceremonial garb.
In each photo, the woman is richly adorned in summer flowers
and wears an impressive FLORAL CROWN. These photos have been
taken annually for the last dozen years.
Dani looks over to notice Pelle still talking to Christian,
who now has one hand behind his back. He looks extremely
GUILTY. She interrupts by bluntly asking:
DANI
Are these the May Queens?
PELLE
Oh - that’s right! You’ll actually
be here for that.
CHRISTIAN
Who are the “May Queens”?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 45
35 CONTINUED: 35
PELLE
Every midsummer we have a dance
competition and the winner gets
crowned.
A PRETTY BRUNETTE (25) steps up to the door:
PRETTY BRUNETTE
(announcing)
Barnen tittar på Austin Powers om
ni vill vara med? På fält fem.
She looks to Mark, SMILES bashfully and waves. She then
leaves.
MARK
Wait a minute. Did you just see
that?
Christian, hand behind his back, now sneaks over to Dani.
CHRISTIAN
Hey. Can I just pull you...?
Christian ushers her gently out of the front door. They
move to the Front Steps. Beyond them, four women (all
different ages) are gathered closely as they SING SOFTLY
(”heydihrudi...”) to a crying baby. Struck by this, Dani
watches this for a second. As she does so, Christian
produces a SOCKERKAKA (sponge cake) from behind his back. A
candle protrudes.
DANI
(confused)
What?
CHRISTIAN
Happy birthday.
He struggles to light the candle with a bad lighter. He
finally succeeds.
DANI
Where did that come from?
CHRISTIAN
I’ve been trying to find a time to
surprise you all day.
Dani just looks at him with utter suspicion.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
What? You thought I forgot?
Christian finally RELENTS with a guilty smile:
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I
didn’t know it was tomorrow
already. With the sun.
He kisses her. She doesn’t kiss back. He keeps kissing.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 46
35 CONTINUED: 35
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D) DANI
Happy birthday, happy Fine. It’s fine.
birthday, I’m sorry. I’m not upset.
- You should be. - I know I should!
He kisses her again, tenderly. She grudgingly kisses back.
The baby is still crying in the BG.
CHRISTIAN
Happy birthday, mouse.
She forces a tight smile and BLOWS OUT the candle.

36 *OMITTED* 36

37 *OMITTED* 37
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Upon entering the community's main house, a large barn-shaped structure adorned with murals and runes, the group is introduced to their unique age-based system: Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. Dani discovers photos of past May Queens, chosen through a midsummer dance competition, piquing Mark's interest. Christian's attempt to surprise Dani with a birthday cake goes awry due to her initial unawareness, but they reconcile with a kiss. The scene ends with the group settling in, a sense of curiosity and wonder mixed with the anticipation of the community's unusual customs.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of life stages tied to seasons
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Mysterious and unsettling setting of the Hårga farmstead
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or unnatural at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces intriguing concepts, and sets up conflicts among the characters, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of life stages tied to seasons, the May Queens competition, and the eerie traditions of the Hårga farmstead are unique and captivating, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of new elements like the May Queens competition, the birthday surprise, and the escalating tensions between characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh cultural elements and rituals, creating an authentic and immersive setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and conflicting emotions, especially Dani and Christian, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Dani shows signs of emotional turmoil and suspicion, while Christian's guilt and attempts at reconciliation add complexity to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand the customs and beliefs of the commune they are visiting. This reflects their curiosity and desire for knowledge about different cultures.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the social interactions and rituals of the commune without causing offense or misunderstanding. This reflects their need to adapt to unfamiliar situations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflicts between characters, the unsettling setting, and the mysterious traditions create a high level of tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. The characters face challenges that test their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the mysterious traditions, the escalating tensions between characters, and the unsettling atmosphere of the Hårga farmstead.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements, deepens conflicts, and sets up future events, effectively moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected cultural rituals and character reactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the unfamiliar environment.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the commune's age-based societal structure and the protagonist's individualistic worldview. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about personal freedom and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from anxiety to confusion to tension, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, confusion, and hidden motives among the characters, enhancing the atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique setting, witty dialogue, and character dynamics. The interactions between the characters keep the audience interested and invested in the story.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character interactions. It maintains a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a somewhat confusing description of the house's layout. It's unclear why the hole in the second floor is significant, and the repeated mention of beds feels redundant.
  • Mark's behavior feels out of place and detracts from the scene's overall tone. His comments about the murals are unnecessary and comedic, clashing with the more serious, informative tone of the scene.
  • The exposition about the Hårga's view of life as seasons is delivered in a clunky way. Pelle's gesture feels forced and unnatural, and the back-and-forth note-taking between Josh and Christian is distracting.
  • Dani's question about what happens after 72 feels like a joke that doesn't land. It also abruptly shifts the scene's tone and makes Pelle's throat-slash gesture appear out of place.
  • The scene abruptly transitions to Dani finding the photos of the May Queens. The motivation for her sudden curiosity is unclear, and the transition feels jarring.
  • Christian's behavior feels inconsistent. His attempt to pull Dani aside feels out of place and his guilty look is not explained, creating confusion for the reader.
  • The Pretty Brunette's dialogue, while delivered in Swedish, is not translated for the reader, making it difficult to understand the context of the scene. The scene then abruptly shifts to Mark reacting to the dialogue, which feels unearned.
  • The scene feels rushed as Christian hurriedly presents Dani with the cake. The motivation for his surprise is unclear, and the overall interaction feels forced and contrived.
  • Dani's reaction to the cake feels underdeveloped. Her suspicion and confusion are not explored, and her response to Christian's apology feels flat.
  • The ending of the scene, with Christian kissing Dani and the baby crying in the background, feels unresolved and ambiguous. It doesn't provide a clear sense of closure or foreshadowing for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Rework the opening description of the house to create a clearer visual for the reader. Focus on the details that are relevant to the story and avoid redundancy.
  • Remove Mark's inappropriate and comedic comments about the murals. Consider having him react in a more neutral or even contemplative way.
  • Find a more organic way to deliver the exposition about the Hårga's view of life. Consider having the characters discover the information through dialogue or a more natural interaction with their surroundings.
  • Rework Dani's question and Pelle's response. Consider having them discuss the significance of 72 in a more meaningful way, or explore what happens after that age.
  • Create a smoother transition to Dani finding the photos of the May Queens. Consider adding a visual cue or a line of dialogue to foreshadow her discovery.
  • Explain Christian's guilty look and his attempt to pull Dani aside. Consider showing him trying to hide something, or having him reveal his true intentions.
  • Translate the Pretty Brunette's dialogue for the reader. Consider adding a line of dialogue to explain the context of the scene.
  • Develop the scene between Christian and Dani about the cake. Explore Dani's suspicion and confusion about Christian's surprise, and their conflict in a more nuanced way.
  • Add more weight to Dani's reaction to the cake. Consider having her express her anger or hurt, or have her acknowledge the gesture in a more meaningful way.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene. Consider having Christian and Dani discuss their feelings, or foreshadowing a potential conflict that will be explored in the next scene.



Scene 16 -  Unease in the Village
38 EXT. VILLAGE - “NIGHT” 38

A high angle wide of the village. Almost everyone, save for
some stragglers, are inside. The sun is low, looking like
evening (but we are past midnight).
38A INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - SAME TIME 38A
The windows have been boarded up for the night. Soft sunlight
peeks from the edges.
People are climbing into their beds. The baby is still
CRYING, now in his CRIB, which is stationed near the beds
of women in their twenties. The crib is made of severe-
looking iron and metal. One woman lays a PAIR OF SCISSORS
under the baby’s mattress.

Dani, noticing this, looks inquiringly to Pelle.
PELLE
The iron keeps away the “invisibles.”
So the babies don’t get “changed.”
Pelle smiles sardonically, knowing how it sounds.
DANI
How real is that stuff for you guys?
PELLE
(deflecting)
Ah, who knows?
Dani smiles. She looks over to Christian, whose eyes are GLUED
TENSELY to Josh’s notepad as he scrawls “Iron. Babies changed.
‘Invisibles.’” Christian looks threatened.
Pelle has already climbed into bed.
PELLE (CONT’D)
All right - beauty rest! Tomorrow’s
a big day.
JOSH
And what’s tomorrow?
PELLE
(mysterious)
First of the big ceremonies.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 47
38A CONTINUED: 38A

Bemused, Josh looks dead-eyed at Pelle. Waiting for more.
Pelle PAUSES, then takes Josh’s notepad. He writes
“Ättestupan” and hands it back.
Josh happens to know that word. His eyes WIDEN. “Are you
serious?” Pelle smiles mischievously.
CHRISTIAN
What’s that? What’s Attestupan?
Pelle gestures for Christian to keep his voice down.
Christian pulls out his phone and types “Atestupan” into a
search engine. But there’s no internet connection.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Fuck.
(to Josh and Pelle)
What’s Ättestupan?
Josh smugly climbs into bed. This has made Dani nervous.
DANI
(to Josh)
Is it scary?
Josh teasingly raises his eyebrows: “You’ll see.”

MARK (O.S.)
Christian: do you wanna check my
scalp for ticks and then I can check
your scalp?
39 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - “NIGHT” 39
Everyone is asleep. Silence, save for the baby’s CRYING.
Dani lies AWAKE. Beside her: Christian sleeping soundly. To
her other side: Mark SNORING.
Dani shifts her weight. She looks over at the wall mural, and
notices an ILLUSTRATION of a HAPPY MAN OPENING HIS WRIST WITH A
SPECIAL KNIFE. He is surrounded by smiling friends, and above
him, a smiling SUN. Dani looks unnerved, but her attention is
suddenly DRAWN AWAY by the SOUND of...
A teenaged BOY and GIRL (clearly new lovers) sneak quietly
out of their beds. Giggling. They tip-toe out of the house,
careful to make no noise.
Dani stares at this. Heavy.

40 *OMITTED* 40

41 *OMITTED* 41

42 EXT. FIELD - MORNING 42
In an open field, a group of WOMEN collect the morning DEW
(in small vials) from the leaves and grass. They throw a
SHEET over the wet grass. It absorbs the dew, and they WRING
it out into a pail.
We TRACK ACROSS this, finally panning away to find...several
men are setting up DINING TABLES in the BG, the fire temple
just beyond them. They are laying the tables out to form a
runic pattern.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 48
42 CONTINUED: 42
We continue panning past this to find a large GROUP that has
assembled for what appears to be some sort of DANCE CLASS (we
see them in a medium wide, gently pulling back). They stand
in rows of ten. At the head of the class is YLVA, one of the
elders who carried the torch around the house. In
demonstration, she lifts her arm and waves it fluidly,
rhythmically, EMOTIONALLY, back and forth. (This is
accompanied by a Hårgan, OSKAR, who sings a wordless emotion-
based song - not dissimilar to speaking in tongues. The dance
is inspired by this song.) The class IMITATES the dancer.
They strive to perfectly match her movements and emotions.
(Josh watches raptly in the BG.)
Finally, we’ve pulled back far enough to reveal Dani’s
shoulder in the FG. She’s watching the dance class, having
just woken up. She then turns to look around, marvelling at
the structure of the community around her. She SITS DOWN
cross-legged, being mindful to soak it in.
43 EXT. FARMSTEAD - ONE HOUR LATER 43
The dining tables have been set up to form a RUNE
(representing the “cultivation of art, soul and craft”).
Half of the community is already standing at the tables. The
other half is arriving now. Plates of food have already been
placed. No one sits.
OUR GROUP (minus Dani) arrives at one of the tables. They
gaze around, trying to understand the etiquette. They notice
that a few lingering GIRLS walk backwards through a
neighboring field, picking FLOWERS.
MARK
Someone should tell those girls
that they’re walking stupid.
DANI now appears with a bouquet of HANDPICKED FLOWERS. She
happily presents Christian with the bouquet.
CHRISTIAN
What?! For me?
DANI
Ja!
CHRISTIAN
(accepting them with strained
appreciation)
...Tack så mycket.
He kisses her cheek.
Now that everyone is stationed at the tables, a BOY runs off
to officially summon the guests of honor by ringing a BELL at
the end of a table.
After a moment, TWO ELDERS (72), both wearing ornate golden
dresses, enter the scene. (We will recognize them as Dan and
Ylva, the elders who ran around the Main House with the
flaming torches.) They stand with alert posture, maintaining
an awareness of their bodies as they walk. They arrive at TWO
LARGE WOODEN CHAIRS, situated at the head of a beautifully
decorated table with fine silverware and golden plates.
(Every other table seats at least five people, but this table
has been reserved solely for these two.)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 49
43 CONTINUED: 43
Josh mouths to Pelle: “Are those the ones?” Pelle smiles.
The two elders SIT. This prompts everyone else to sit.
Mark picks up his fork, only to notice that no one else has
begun eating. Everyone waits patiently. Total SILENCE, save
for the baby who is still crying.
Finally, the two men pick up their silverware and begin to
eat. Now everyone starts eating.
Josh is scrutinizing every detail. Christian scrutinizes
Josh.

43A EXT. FARMSTEAD - MID-MEAL 43A
MAJA feverishly carves a small RUNE STONE in her lap. She is
hunched over to conceal her progress from curious eyes.
The two elders are receiving lots of attention.
Next to Dani, a blonde woman, KARIN (20s), cradles the CRYING
BABY. She rests her forehead against the baby’s forehead and
moans empathically. She notices Dani watching this, and she
turns and SMILES.
DANI KARIN
(catching herself)
Oh, God, I’m sorry. I was No no...
gawking.

DANI
Is your baby okay?
KARIN
Oh, she will be. She has the, em
- rickets? Where the bones are
bad? She is not “mine,” though.
DANI BLONDE WOMAN
Oh, I’m sorry to presume! No no - her birth mother is
on pilgrimage. It helps them
to detach. The babies are
raised here by everyone.
Dani smiles at this idea. Josh and Christian are also taken
by this. Josh SEES Christian’s excitement, and quietly
HARDENS.
KARIN
(to Dani)
How is your family like?
DANI
Mine? Oh no, mine are...

Dani makes a comic throat-slashing gesture, recalling
Pelle’s; she then instantly feels guilty about it. Christian
suddenly looks nervous about this exchange.
KARIN
Oh no! I’m so sorry. All of them?
Karin already has TEARS welling in her eyes. She looks
sincerely affected by this.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 50
43A CONTINUED: 43A
DANI
(reacting)
Oh God, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t
have said. We’re enjoying our food.
KARIN
(now worried for Dani)
Am I making you sad to ask?
DANI
No, not at all! I just shouldn’t have
mentioned it.
BLONDE WOMAN DANI (CONT'D)
Please know we can talk if
you like. Please. I am happy (uncomfortable)
Okay, thank you. Sorry. I
to talk. feel silly. Thank you.
(to Christian)
Sorry.
Christian shrugs: “Don’t apologize to me.”
SIV, a table over, has been avidly watching this exchange.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary As night falls upon the isolated village, an atmosphere of unease permeates the main house. While the villagers prepare for sleep, Dani, a newcomer, is deeply disturbed by the cryptic explanations surrounding their customs and the unsettling mural depicting a man harming himself. Pelle, a villager, hints at a disturbing upcoming ceremony called "Ättestupan," further fueling Dani's anxiety. The tension between Christian and Josh escalates, while a teenage couple sneaking out intensifies Dani's sense of unease, leaving her staring into the night, heavy with foreboding.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Intriguing setting
  • Complex characters
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Some scenes feel slightly disjointed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, introduces intriguing elements of the Hårga community, and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a secluded Swedish community with mysterious rituals and traditions is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The introduction of the Ättestupan ritual foreshadows darker events to come.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters immerse themselves in the Hårga community's customs and rituals, setting the stage for potential conflicts and revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural practices and beliefs that add depth to the story. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity as they interact with the Hårga community and each other, revealing their vulnerabilities and fears.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Dani, show signs of growth and change as they confront the unfamiliar and unsettling aspects of the Hårga community.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, is seeking reassurance and understanding of the village's beliefs and practices. She is curious and slightly apprehensive about the rituals and customs she is witnessing.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the unfamiliar customs and interactions in the village, while also trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and connection with her companions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle but palpable conflict between the characters as they navigate the unfamiliar customs of the Hårga community and grapple with their own emotions.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, with the clash of beliefs and customs creating tension and conflict among the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters immerse themselves in the mysterious rituals and traditions of the Hårga community, facing unknown dangers and uncertainties.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the Hårga community, setting up potential conflicts and revelations, and deepening the characters' experiences.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected cultural practices and beliefs introduced, as well as the cryptic interactions between characters that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between modern beliefs and traditional practices. The protagonist and her companions are confronted with unfamiliar customs that challenge their worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and unease to sympathy and curiosity, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, curiosity, and unease among the characters, setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, intriguing dialogue, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more about the village and its inhabitants.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively builds tension and mystery, leading to a climactic revelation at the end.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit slow and expository. It's mostly about establishing the setting and introducing the new ritual, 'Ättestupan,' which is a good thing, but the execution could be more engaging.
  • The 'invisibles' conversation feels a bit clunky and exposition-heavy. Dani is curious about the local folklore, which is great, but the dialogue is a bit too direct. Consider using subtext and visual cues to convey the information.
  • Christian's reaction to the 'invisibles' is a bit over-the-top. He's not a character who seems easily threatened by the supernatural, so his fear comes across as a bit forced.
  • The dialogue about 'Ättestupan' feels a bit rushed. Consider adding more beats to build suspense. You could have Josh or Pelle react more to Dani's apprehension, or give them a brief exchange about the ceremony.
  • The ending of the scene with the couple sneaking out is a bit abrupt. It's a good visual, but it doesn't seem to have a clear purpose. Is it to foreshadow something? To create unease in Dani? If so, the scene needs more emphasis on Dani's reaction.
  • The transition between scenes 38 and 42 is a bit jarring. Consider adding a scene or two to bridge the gap. Maybe show Dani struggling to sleep after witnessing the couple sneaking out, or have a brief scene with Christian reacting to the 'Ättestupan' revelation.
  • The dance class scene in 42 feels a bit uneventful. It's mostly a visual, and it doesn't add much to the plot. Consider giving Dani a more active role, or showing the scene from her POV to convey her initial apprehension and growing fascination with the community.
  • The scene with Karin and Dani about Dani's family is a bit too heavy-handed. It feels like a forced attempt to explain Dani's emotional state. It would be more impactful if the scene focused on Dani's reactions to Karin's comments, rather than directly explaining her past trauma. Consider showing rather than telling.
  • The scene with the elders and the food is a bit static. It lacks visual and narrative momentum. You could add more tension by showing the tension between Josh and Christian, or highlight the unsettling presence of the elders.
Suggestions
  • Use more visual storytelling to convey the supernatural elements. Show, don't tell. Maybe have Dani dream about the 'invisibles' after she hears about them, or have a subtle visual cue like a shadow shifting in the corner of the room.
  • Develop the 'Ättestupan' reveal more slowly. Perhaps have Josh or Pelle tease Dani with hints about the ceremony, or have Christian be more vocal in his concern about it. This will create a sense of suspense and build towards the climax.
  • Tie the couple sneaking out to Dani's fears. Maybe have her dream about them later, or have the scene be a visual that reflects her own growing unease about the Hårga community.
  • Add a bridging scene between 38 and 42 to smooth out the transition. Focus on Dani's emotional state or Christian's research.
  • Give the dance class scene more narrative weight. Maybe have Dani witness a moment of intense connection between the dancers and the elders, or show her starting to feel the influence of the ritual.
  • Subtly reveal Dani's emotional state through her interactions with Karin. Show her struggling to hold back tears, or have her react in a way that suggests her past is affecting her.
  • Add more visual and narrative tension to the scene with the elders and the food. Maybe have the elders subtly communicate something ominous to the community, or show Christian feeling increasingly unnerved by the ritual.



Scene 17 -  The Journey to Ättestupan
43B EXT. FARMSTEAD - MID MEAL - MINUTES LATER 43B
Everyone has finished eating. Another HUSH falls awkwardly over
the procession. Silence, save for the wailing baby.
Mark, half-asleep, confusedly looks around. He sees the
Pretty Brunette (from earlier) SMILING at him. Caught off
guard, he BLUSHES and smiles back (a little too eagerly).
One of the two elders STANDS. This is YLVA. She clears her
throat. Closes her eyes. After a moment, Ylva begins to SING
a wordless, choral song.
Everyone watches, rapt and emotional.
At the appropriate time, the other man (DAN) begins to sing
along, softly and awkwardly at first. Soon he rises, singing
with greater projection.

MARK
(whispering to Josh)
How do you think he’d react if I
just put my finger in his butt
right now?
When the song comes to a finish, SIV stands to RAISE her
glass. This prompts everyone else to stand. They all raise
their aquavit.
A long silence. Everyone is very calm. And present. Dani is
MOVED. She holds up her glass, feeling energy from the group.
Siv finally DRINKS. So does everyone else. The MUSICIANS
begin to play their handmade instruments, and EIGHT MIDDLE-
AGED MEN break into two groups. They walk to either of the
elder’s chairs, HOIST them up, and start CARRYING THEM OFF.
The congregation follows behind as the elevated elders are
carried up a hill. Our group JOINS them, confused. Mark lags
behind.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 51
43A CONTINUED: 43A
MARK (CONT’D)
(to the group)
I’m gonna take a nap. My head feels
like a sewage blimp.
Mark heads back toward the Main House. Dani, Christian, Josh
and Pelle proceed to follow the community.
44 EXT. HILL - MINUTES LATER 44
Everyone happily follows the elders of honor (still carried
on hoisted thrones). They follow a narrow TRAIL OF FLOWERS up
a hill.
There is a FORK in the trail, leading either to the left and
downward or continuing straight ahead and upward.
Ylva and Dan are carried straight ahead, continuing to ascend
the rising hill. The following procession BRANCHES OFF to
veer left. They continue down a slope that leads to the
valley of a cliff.
Our group, squinting with curiosity, begins following the
procession toward the valley. But Pelle slows down.
PELLE
Okay - actually:
He holds them back.
PELLE (CONT’D)
I need to warn you before we go
down...
(to Dani now)
...because you could not want to.
DANI
Is this the thing you mentioned
last night?
JOSH
(smirking)
Ättestupan.
PELLE
We’re about to perform a centuries-
old ritual that is very important to
us and very beautiful, but also -
very far from anything you have in
America.
DANI
(suddenly nervous)
...Do I not want to do this?

PELLE
Well - that’s what I’m saying.
You’re invited to. I just...
(pauses)
You remember I explained the winter
stage of a man’s life? 54 to 72?
Well, this is what happens when 72
gets reached.
DANI
Okay. And what is “this”?
Pelle pauses, considering his words. Dani grows more nervous.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 52
44 CONTINUED: 44
DANI (CONT’D)
What is Ättestupan?

Josh can’t suppress a smile - anticipating Pelle’s answer.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary After a communal meal, a group led by Pelle carries their elders up a hill, preparing for a traditional ritual called Ättestupan. The group splits at a fork in the trail, with some going up the hill and others descending into a valley. Pelle warns Dani that the ritual is unlike anything in America, sparking her nervousness. Meanwhile, Josh seems to relish Dani's uncertainty, while Mark makes light of the situation. The scene ends with Dani asking Pelle to explain the nature of the Ättestupan ritual, leaving the audience with a sense of anticipation and unease.
Strengths
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Exploration of cultural traditions
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come across as overly cryptic or confusing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the introduction of the Ättestupan ritual, creating a sense of unease and intrigue for both the characters and the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Ättestupan ritual is unique and adds depth to the cultural exploration aspect of the story. It serves as a pivotal moment that sets the stage for further exploration of the Hårga community's traditions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the Ättestupan ritual, setting up a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It adds layers of complexity to the narrative and deepens the mystery surrounding the Hårga community.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique rituals and customs that are unfamiliar to the protagonist and the audience, adding authenticity and depth to the narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and reflective of their cultural backgrounds.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the Ättestupan ritual reveal more about their personalities and beliefs, adding depth to their development. Dani's nervousness and curiosity, Christian's dismissiveness, Josh's intrigue, and Pelle's solemnity all contribute to the scene's emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, as they are forced to confront their own beliefs and assumptions in the face of the unfamiliar Ättestupan ritual. Dani's nervousness turns to curiosity, Christian's dismissiveness is challenged, and Josh's intrigue deepens.

Internal Goal: 8

Mark's internal goal is to navigate the unfamiliar customs and rituals of the community while also trying to fit in and understand their traditions. This reflects his desire for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the community's rituals and ceremonies, even if they are unfamiliar and potentially dangerous. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, as the characters are faced with a cultural ritual that is foreign and unsettling. The tension between their curiosity and discomfort drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist faces cultural differences and moral dilemmas that challenge his beliefs and values. The uncertainty surrounding Ättestupan adds a layer of suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are faced with a centuries-old ritual that challenges their beliefs and understanding of the world. The outcome of the Ättestupan ceremony has the potential to have far-reaching consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the Ättestupan ritual and deepening the mystery surrounding the Hårga community. It sets the stage for further exploration of the community's traditions and beliefs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unfamiliar rituals and customs that challenge the protagonist and the audience's expectations. The revelation of Ättestupan adds a surprising twist to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between modern American values and ancient Swedish traditions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about cultural relativism and the importance of respecting different customs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the characters grapple with their reactions to the Ättestupan ritual. Dani's nervousness and curiosity, Christian's dismissiveness, and Josh's intrigue all evoke strong emotions from the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and unease of the situation, with Pelle's cryptic explanations and Dani's anxious questions adding to the scene's emotional depth. Josh's humor provides a brief moment of levity amidst the seriousness of the ritual.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, suspense, and cultural exploration to create a compelling narrative. The characters' interactions and the unfolding rituals keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the characters navigate the unfamiliar rituals and customs. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to industry standards and enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between different moments. It maintains a cohesive flow that keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit slow and exposition heavy. It's taking a long time to build to the reveal of the 'Attestupan', which is the central hook of this section of the story. The scene relies too heavily on telling instead of showing. The audience should be feeling the tension and mystery of what's to come, but right now the scene feels a bit flat and like a setup.
  • The dialogue between Dani and Pelle is a bit clunky and feels like exposition. It's missing the naturalness of a conversation between people who are about to embark on something potentially life-changing.
  • The character of Mark is mostly comic relief at this point, and it's unclear if he is meant to be a foil to Dani's anxieties or just a comedic counterpoint. It's a little distracting that he is so flippant, especially given the gravity of the situation.
  • Josh feels like a somewhat stereotypical 'smug' friend character. He's clearly meant to be in the know and therefore makes Dani's ignorance more pronounced. But he's also a bit one-dimensional and doesn't contribute much to the overall scene.
  • The scene doesn't fully take advantage of the visual opportunities presented. The description of the flowers and the fork in the path are fine, but they could be used to create a more evocative sense of mystery and suspense. Think about the light, the color, the overall atmosphere of the hill leading to the valley.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. The tension has built, but it feels like there's a missing beat. There should be a moment of visual or emotional impact to drive the audience's anticipation forward.
  • There could be a more active sense of dread or unease for Dani in the scene. She's nervous but there isn't a clear sense of her fear or the consequences she might face.
Suggestions
  • Consider showing Dani's anxiety in more physical ways. She's nervous, but how does that manifest? Does she fidget, have a racing heart, start to sweat? The audience needs to feel her fear.
  • The scene should end on a stronger image or moment of tension. Consider cutting to a shot of the valley where the 'Attestupan' is about to take place, or to a close-up of Dani's face as she looks on with apprehension. This will leave the audience wanting more.
  • Consider giving Mark a more complex role in the scene. Perhaps he's nervous too, but he's trying to hide it with humor. Or maybe he has a past that's connected to this ritual, and his flippant attitude is a defense mechanism.
  • Try using the dialogue to show Dani's growing fear and uncertainty. Instead of just telling the audience, show her asking questions that reveal her apprehension. What exactly is the 'winter stage'? What are the risks? Why is Pelle hesitant to explain?
  • Consider adding a scene break after Pelle says 'You're invited to' and then cut to the valley. This will increase the tension and anticipation. It will also help with pacing and create a stronger sense of the scene change.
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Dani to provide some insight into her thoughts and feelings. What is she really thinking? What does she fear?
  • Consider using more visual language to create a sense of atmosphere. For example, instead of just saying there are flowers, describe their color, scent, and how they might be arranged. Is the light dim or does it feel ominous?
  • Perhaps the scene could start with Dani having a nightmare. This would immediately set the tone and foreshadow the coming events.
  • The scene could benefit from a bit more exposition about the 'Attestupan' and its significance to the Hårgan people. Perhaps a flashback to a past 'Attestupan' or a conversation between elders could provide some context and build anticipation.
  • Consider using music or sound effects to enhance the tension and mood. The sound of birds chirping might be more disturbing than relaxing, or the music could change from celebratory to more ominous.



Scene 18 -  The Ritual of the Cliffs
45 EXT. VALLEY - MINUTES LATER 45
The community has gathered on the rocky valley. Tall CLIFFS
loom imposingly. The baby cries in the BG.

Our group stands to the side, along with Simon, Connie and
Ingemar. Christian turns to DANI, who looks extremely uneasy.
CHRISTIAN
Are you sure you can handle this?

Dani doesn’t know the answer to this.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Maybe you should go back to the
main house? It’s not too late.
Dani starts to wrestle with this, but then:
DANI
No. I need to try.

A HORN sounds. All eyes go to...
SIV holds a WOOD-BOUND BOOK whose cover is marked by runic
letters. She opens it and reads in silence for a moment. Its
scripture is written in runes and unknown hieroglyphs (the
AFFECT language).
JOSH
(to Pelle, whispering)
What’s that book?
Christian leans in to hear the whispered answer:
PELLE
Rubi Radr. Our scripture.
JOSH
Can I read that?
PELLE
You would not be able.

CU of Rubi Radr’s pages, as held open by Siv. They are indeed
indecipherable to common eyes.
Siv, eyes on the page, surprises our group by beginning to
SING a wordless hymn. It’s beautiful, yet feels improvised,
as if inspired (on the spot) by emotions provoked by the
text.
46 EXT. CLIFF - SAME TIME 46
The two elders have been carried to the top of a CLIFF
overlooking the beach. Their chairs are SET DOWN near the
precipice. They are placed beside freshly carved (and
impressively sized) RUNE STONES.
The elders rise from their seats and then stoically put out
their hands. Specially ordained men then draw CEREMONIAL
BLADES across their palms, DRAWING BLOOD.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 53
46 CONTINUED: 46
Ylva and Dan rub their palms together, making their hands
nice and bloody. They press their palms onto their rune
stones, both leaving TWO BLOODY HAND-PRINTS.
45A EXT. BEACH - SAME TIME 45A
Everyone looks up at the cliff’s peak. Dani is SWEATING BEADS
now, her breathing erratic.
Finally, YLVA appear at the edge.
Rapt silence.
Ylva stands there for a long time.
Mesmerized, Josh steps slowly to the side (away from Dani and
Christian) to get a better look. His eyes are glued to the
cliff-top.
Ylva, having now summoned total confidence, assumes a GRAND
POSE, twisting her arms and legs into a standing fetal
position, and extending her neck/head into a glorious reach
for the heavens. This pose represents a final statement.
Dani BRACES herself. Her TEETH begin to chatter. She GRABS
Christian’s arm, and then --
Ylva LEAPS OFF THE PRECIPICE. Connie and Simon SCREAM. The
woman plummets 200 feet to LAND FATALLY on the jagged rocks
below. Upon impact, a FLOCK OF BIRDS ALIGHTS from a tree.
Connie SCREAMS.
Our group is shocked into horrified silence. Dani looks like
she’s been knocked out of her body. The birds fly over Dani’s
head, and a sudden rush courses through her.

Disassociated, Dani turns to look at Connie and Simon, who
are freaking out.

Then Christian points upward, redirecting Dani’s dazed
attention to the cliff-top. Dani’s EYES scan back up to
see...
DAN - the elder whose torch burnt out before circling the
house three times - is now stepping up to the precipice. He
also strikes a POSE, also reaching for the awesome, but his
is slightly clumsier. He wobbles, but he holds the pose.
While holding it, he turns to look down...at Dani.
SIMON
(panicking)
What’s happening? Is he gonna jump,
too? No--
Dan LAUNCHES HIMSELF OFF THE CLIFF, jumping vertically.
Connie GASPS. Dan plummets straight down, but his left foot
lands on the large rock that killed Ylva. This obliterates
his leg and sends him falling brutally to his side. Dan,
unfortunately not dead, WAILS in horrible pain.
The community grumbles with concern. Everyone turns to
THREE MEN - each the oldest of their respective generations
(the youths, the laborers, and the mentors). They
understand what they must do.

SIMON (CONT’D)
Why did that just happen? We need
to call an ambulance.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 54
45A CONTINUED: 45A
INGEMAR SIMON (CONT'D)
It’s okay. What’s okay?! CALL AN
AMBULANCE! Everybody’s just
watching!
Sten approaches the three men with a CUDGEL. This is a long-
handled club with a pointed block of wood at the end. The
cudgel is handed over to the MENTOR.
Dani watches, overwhelmed, as the three men (now armed with
the cudgel) stalk over to Dan. The dying man moans
pathetically, in too much pain to scream.
From DANI’S POV: The men have arrived at Dan’s feet. The
mentor RAISES the cudgel, and brutally swings it down onto
Dan’s HEAD. This isn’t a fatal blow. The man raises the
cudgel again, and this time he STRIKES Dan with enough
force to silence him.
The mentor hands the cudgel to the LABORER. He raises the
cudgel and brings it down onto the old man’s crown. The
elder’s leg goes into pathetic SPASMS. Blood gurgling. The
laborer BLUDGEONS him once more. Dan goes limp, probably
dead.
The YOUTH is now handed the cudgel. He delivers two brutal
swings to Dan’s head. The mentor gently takes the cudgel away
from the youth, and they all return to the community. The
mentor hands Sten the cudgel, and everyone stands in
respectful, contemplative silence.
Dani is GRIPPING Christian’s arm. She is completely shell-
shocked. Christian turns to Josh; they exchange “holy shit”
looks. More EXCITED than troubled.
Siv bounds over to Connie and Simon, who are in a panic. Dani
trembles, powder-white. Traumatized.

SIV INGEMAR
Ingemar! Did you not warn I’m sorry, grandmother Siv! I
them? kind of warned them.
SIMON
Nobody did anything! Everyone just
watched that!
SIV SIMON (CONT'D)
Oh my, poor things-- You’re all just standing
calmly around!!

SIV
Oh, mercy - please--
Siv tries to lay an empathic hand on Simon and Connie’s
shoulder, but Simon RECOILS.
SIV (CONT’D) SIMON
You should have been warned
better. What you just saw is
a long, long, long observed
custom. Those two men have Custom?!
just reached the end of their
life-cycle.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 55
45A CONTINUED: 45A
Siv now looks into DANI’S eyes, but Dani is in a daze. She
seems to have been knocked into a dissociative state. Siv
speaks quickly to avoid being interrupted.
SIV
You must understand it as a great
joy for them. And when it is my
turn, it will be great joy for me.
(back to Simon and Connie)
We view life like a circle. Yes? A re-
cycle. One thing falls and another
raises. The first lady who jumped: her
name was Ylva. Yes?
Siv points to a PREGNANT WOMAN:
SIV (CONT’D)
That baby, who is not yet born,
will inherit this name and also be
Ylva. And if it’s a boy, he will
take the name of Dan.
Dani gazes at Siv, who has taken on a strange ETHEREAL GLOW
(like an angel).
SIV (CONT’D)
But instead of getting old and dying
with shame and pain and fear, we
give our life. As a gesture. Out of
gratefulness. Before it can spoil.
Siv releases Simon and Connie, who are no less fraught. Siv
now addresses the whole group.
SIV (CONT’D)
It does no good to die lashing
back at the inevitable. It
corrupts the spirit.
INGEMAR
(to Simon and Connie)
I’m sorry I did not warn you
better.

47 *OMITTED* 47
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary A group of outsiders witness a disturbing ritual in a remote valley. Two elderly members of the community, Ylva and Dan, are led to a cliff overlooking the beach. After drawing blood and pressing their hands onto rune stones, they leap to their deaths. While Ylva dies instantly, Dan survives the fall but is brutally bludgeoned to death by three men representing different generations. The community leader, Siv, explains that this act is a traditional custom, a way of ending their life cycle with dignity and giving way to the next generation. The outsiders are horrified by the violence, while the community members seem to accept it with stoic resignation.
Strengths
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • Cultural depth
  • Tension and suspense
  • Unique ritualistic elements
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing imagery

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, combining elements of horror, mystery, and drama to create a tense and unsettling atmosphere. The shocking ritual of Ättestupan and the characters' reactions evoke strong emotions in the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Ättestupan ritual is central to the scene, exploring themes of life, death, and cultural traditions. The scene effectively conveys the community's beliefs and practices through the ritualistic sacrifice of the elders.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the Ättestupan ritual and its impact on the characters, particularly Dani, who is deeply affected by the events. The scene moves the story forward by introducing a significant cultural practice and escalating the tension within the group.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural rituals and beliefs, as well as unexpected and shocking events that challenge the characters' beliefs and values.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the Ättestupan ritual reveal their beliefs, fears, and cultural differences. Dani's emotional journey and Christian's initial shock followed by excitement add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Dani, undergo significant emotional changes during the scene as they confront the reality of the Ättestupan ritual and grapple with their own beliefs and fears. Dani's trauma and Christian's shifting reactions demonstrate character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, is struggling with her own fears and uncertainties, as she grapples with the decision to participate in the ritual despite her unease.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the ritual and overcome her fears, reflecting the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the cultural clash between the Hårga community's beliefs and practices and the American visitors' shock and horror at the Ättestupan ritual. The tension and unease among the characters create a high-stakes situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that drive the conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters witness a ritualistic sacrifice and confront their own mortality. The cultural significance of the Ättestupan ritual and its impact on the characters raise the stakes and intensify the tension within the group.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a key cultural practice, deepening the conflict between the characters, and setting the stage for further exploration of the Hårga community's traditions and beliefs. The shocking events of the Ättestupan ritual drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected and shocking events that unfold, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between the community's belief in the ritual as a gesture of gratefulness and acceptance of the inevitable, and the shock and horror of the outsider characters witnessing the ritual for the first time.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a profound emotional impact on the audience, eliciting shock, fear, and empathy for the characters involved in the ritual. Dani's traumatized reaction and the community's acceptance of death evoke strong emotions and create a haunting atmosphere.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the community's beliefs and traditions through Siv's explanations and the characters' reactions to the ritual. The silence and shock of the characters also speak volumes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful buildup, shocking events, and emotional impact on the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to the shocking climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense leading up to the shocking events.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit overwhelming in its exposition. It's great that the writer is trying to show the unique culture of the Hårga community, but it's a lot to digest in one go, especially for the audience who are also new to these traditions. It's important to remember that while the characters are experiencing this for the first time, the audience is also experiencing it for the first time, so pacing is key.
  • The introduction of the Rubi Radr feels a bit rushed. The dialogue about it is a bit clunky, and the fact that it's written in an indecipherable language could be more impactful if it were introduced more subtly. The scene would benefit from letting the audience experience the book alongside the characters.
  • The pacing of the Ättestupan ritual is uneven. The scene goes from a slow build-up to a sudden and brutal depiction of the deaths. The jump from Ylva's leap to Dan's fall and subsequent beating feels jarring. The description of the men bludgeoning Dan feels graphic and unnecessary for the scene's purpose.
  • The emotional reactions of the characters could be more nuanced. While Connie and Simon's reactions are understandable, the other characters, particularly Dani, seem to be reacting in a more detached manner. It would be more impactful if the scene explored Dani's internal struggle with the horror of what she's witnessed, rather than just stating it.
  • The exposition about the life cycle and the inheritance of names feels a bit heavy-handed. Siv's explanation is a bit long, and it feels like the writer is trying to spoon-feed information to the audience instead of letting them absorb it organically.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. After the intense spectacle of the Ättestupan ritual, the scene abruptly shifts to Siv explaining the community's customs. The transition feels jarring, and it could be improved by adding a more natural segue, perhaps through Dani's reaction to Siv's words.
  • The scene could benefit from a more cinematic approach. There are opportunities for visual storytelling that aren't fully utilized. For example, the scene could be more effective if it focused on the characters' reactions to the events, rather than just describing them. More detail on their expressions and reactions is needed.
  • There's a bit too much telling and not enough showing. The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue to convey the information, which can be less engaging than showing it through action and visuals.
Suggestions
  • Break the scene down into smaller scenes to improve pacing. Focus on a few key elements in each scene instead of trying to cram everything in. For example, a separate scene could be dedicated to the introduction of the Rubi Radr, allowing the audience to experience its mystery along with the characters.
  • Build tension slowly. The scene could be more effective if it built up the tension leading up to the Ättestupan ritual, letting the audience experience the anticipation and dread alongside the characters. The scene could benefit from focusing on the characters' internal struggles and reactions as they watch the events unfold.
  • Show, don't tell. Use visuals and actions to convey the information about the Hårga community. Instead of relying on exposition and dialogue, try to show the characters' emotional responses, their interactions with each other, and the rituals themselves, letting the audience interpret them.
  • Emphasize Dani's perspective. The scene revolves around a horrific event, so it's important to make sure the audience understands how Dani is processing and experiencing it. Use close-ups and internal monologues to explore her emotional state and reactions. Explore her internal conflict and confusion about the event.
  • Find a more natural way to transition between the ritual and the exposition. The scene would benefit from a smoother transition between the Ättestupan and Siv's explanation. This could be done by having Dani react to what she just saw, prompting Siv to explain the customs to her, or by having the community gather around and discuss the ritual.
  • Consider using sound and music to add depth and impact. The scene could benefit from more evocative sound design and music to amplify the emotions and the impact of the events. This could help create a more immersive and visceral experience for the audience.



Scene 19 -  Stolen Research
48 EXT. FIELD - DAY 48
Everyone is walking back from the beach. JOSH rushes
feverishly toward the Main House. Christian’s eyes are
trained on him as he moves to Dani, who looks destroyed.
CHRISTIAN
You okay, sweetie?

DANI
(branching off)
I need to not be here right now.
CHRISTIAN
Okay. Good idea. I’ll find you in a
bit?
Dani walks off, addled. Christian ACCELERATES to follow Josh.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 56

49 EXT. FIELD - MOMENTS LATER 49
Dani’s walk speeds into a SPRINT. Once out of sight, she
stops behind the triangular temple, now HYPERVENTILATING. She
tries to steady her breath, but it’s too erratic. She breaks
down into violent SOBS. These are interrupted by a shrill
RETCH.

49A EXT. STAGE - SAME TIME 49A

Two Hårgan men remove two stools from the stage (those
belonging to Ylva and Dan) and rearrange the remaining
stools. Mark watches.

In the BG, Josh arrives at the Main House and enters.
Christian hastily approaches in the distance.

MARK
(to Josh’s disappearing
back)
How was the thing?
50 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - SECONDS LATER 50
Josh anxiously pulls his LAPTOP from his backpack. He sits on
the mattress as the computer boots up.
Christian enters awkwardly - eyes on Josh. He appears to be
summoning the courage to say something. He closes the door
behind him.
CHRISTIAN
Hey dude...
JOSH
Hey!
(excitedly)
Holy shit, right?
CHRISTIAN JOSH (CONT'D)
Holy shit. Incredible. Incredible!
Christian works up the nerve:
CHRISTIAN
So listen: I’ve been wanting to ask
you, or tell you, or just - mention to
you something I’ve been thinking
about...
Josh looks up. He DARKENS with concern.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
I’ve just been thinking, and I’ve
decided...I really think I wanna do
my thesis here. On Hårga.
Josh doesn’t react. Christian nervously continues:
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
And I wanted to tell you first, so
that it didn’t seem like I wasn’t
telling you.
JOSH
I feel like I can’t tell if you’re
joking.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 57
50 CONTINUED: 50
Christian doesn’t respond. Josh becomes incredulous.

JOSH (CONT’D)
(barely containing his
rage)
You know I’m out here doing my
thesis, on midsummer. That’s why I’m
here.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah, but not on this community.

Josh’s eyes BURN on Christian. Christian maintains an
innocent demeanor.
JOSH
...You knew I was gonna want to do
this.
CHRISTIAN JOSH (CONT'D)
How would I know that? Oh my God, Christian, of
Did you even know that before course you did!
I just told you?
JOSH (CONT’D)
You think I don’t know what you’re
doing? It’s actually kind of
outrageously unsubtle. The fact that
you’re being this bald about it. I’m
honestly impressed.
CHRISTIAN
What the fuck?
JOSH
Oh, yeah - “What the fuck.”
(seething)
This is what I’ve been working
towards and you know it. That’s why
you look so guilty right now.
Because you know - you know - that
what you’re doing is unethical and
leechy and lazy and frankly kind of
sad--
CHRISTIAN JOSH (CONT'D)
Okay, wow, fuck you-- No dude, not fuck me! Find
your own subject - or your
own passion. Because I’m
actually invested in this.
It’s not some glorified hobby
that I’m casually dipping my
feet into.
CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! In case you forgot, Your
Highness, we’re both earning the
same degree--
JOSH
But we’re not doing it in the same
way, Christian. Okay? I have to hold
your little hand through everything.
You didn’t even know how to use J-Stor
before I taught you, and you’re a
fucking grad student. I mean, why are
you even in academia? You don’t care!
(MORE)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 58
50 CONTINUED: 50
JOSH (CONT'D)
Which is fine! That’s your
prerogative! Just don’t appropriate my
actual work for your new shortcut!
This cuts Christian like a knife. His eyes are flaring with
RAGE. But he stifles it. Determined to remain collected, he
concludes:
CHRISTIAN
I wanna do my thesis here. If you
want to as well, I’d be happy to
discuss collaborating. If not, I
guess we’ll have two separate theses
on the Hårgas.
Christian leaves.
Josh sits motionless.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Horror"]

Summary Josh, energized after a day at the beach, returns home eager to work on his research project. His excitement turns to fury when Christian reveals his intention to write his thesis on Hårga, the same topic Josh is researching. Accusing Christian of laziness and unethical behavior, Josh refuses any collaboration and leaves Christian feeling hurt and rejected.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Foreshadowing of future events
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as melodramatic or overly confrontational

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in revealing character dynamics and motivations. The confrontation between Christian and Josh adds depth to their relationship and sets up future conflicts. Dani's emotional breakdown adds a layer of psychological horror and foreshadows darker events to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of academic rivalry, personal ambition, and ethical dilemmas is well-developed and drives the conflict in the scene. The introduction of the Hårga community's rituals adds a sense of mystery and foreboding.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the confrontation between Christian and Josh, revealing their conflicting goals and values. Dani's emotional state and the introduction of the Hårga rituals add depth to the narrative and foreshadow future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of academic integrity and betrayal, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and impactful.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Christian, Josh, and Dani are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities, motivations, and conflicts. The scene sets up character arcs and establishes key relationships within the group.

Character Changes: 7

Christian and Josh's confrontation leads to a shift in their relationship dynamics and sets up potential character growth. Dani's emotional breakdown hints at her inner struggles and foreshadows her journey within the Hårga community.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his academic independence and passion for his thesis work, while also feeling betrayed by his friend's lack of respect for his efforts.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront his friend about his unethical behavior and assert his boundaries in their academic work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Christian and Josh is intense and multi-layered, involving academic rivalry, personal ambition, and ethical considerations. Dani's emotional breakdown adds another layer of conflict and foreshadows the darker events to come.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values between the characters creating a challenging and intense dynamic.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene involve academic integrity, personal ambition, and the unsettling rituals of the Hårga community. The confrontation between Christian and Josh raises the stakes for their relationship and future decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key character motivations, conflicts, and relationships. It sets up future conflicts and developments within the narrative, particularly regarding the Hårga community and Dani's emotional journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected confrontation and emotional intensity between the characters, leaving the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's dedication to his academic work and the friend's lack of respect for it, highlighting the values of hard work and integrity in research.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through Dani's distress, Christian and Josh's confrontation, and the eerie rituals of the Hårga community. It creates a sense of unease and foreboding, setting the tone for future developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the tensions between the characters. It reveals their inner thoughts, motivations, and conflicts, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict and power dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict between the characters, leading to a climactic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and the conflict between Josh and Christian isn't fully developed. We don't get a sense of their history or why Josh is so outraged by Christian's decision. The back and forth feels more like a fight than a genuine exchange between friends.
  • Christian's characterization as someone who doesn't 'care' about academia feels out of place. We haven't seen him as being particularly uninvested in his studies, so this accusation from Josh seems forced.
  • Josh's anger feels disproportionate to the situation. He's acting as if Christian is stealing a life's work, rather than just choosing to write his thesis on the same community. It makes Josh seem somewhat unreasonable.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and unresolved. We don't see any immediate fallout from the conflict, and Christian's anger is left hanging.
  • The scene lacks a visual aspect to help it come alive. We don't get a sense of the environment, the mood, or the physical interactions between the characters.
  • The dialogue feels clunky and overly expositional. The characters state their feelings instead of showing them through their actions and reactions.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is jarring. The abrupt shift to this confrontation lacks any natural build-up.
  • The scene doesn't provide enough context for the audience to understand the significance of Josh's research. We only learn that he's been working on his thesis for a while, but not what specifically he's writing about.
Suggestions
  • Establish a stronger sense of animosity between Christian and Josh in earlier scenes. Show us instances of their clashes or rivalry to make their conflict in this scene feel more organic.
  • Give Josh a more concrete research topic that he's passionate about. This will make his anger more understandable and his reaction to Christian's decision more believable.
  • Instead of having Josh outright accuse Christian of stealing his work, consider showing him going through the motions of his research and then witnessing Christian doing the same thing. This will make the conflict feel more visual and tangible.
  • Develop the scene visually. Use descriptions of the space, the characters' expressions, and their movements to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the reader.
  • Explore Christian's emotional response to Josh's accusations. Show him trying to control his anger, feeling hurt, or even trying to justify his actions. This will give him more depth and make him more relatable.
  • Add a scene before this one that establishes a shared interest in the Hårga community between Christian and Josh. This will give the audience a better understanding of their relationship and the stakes of their conflict.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more dramatic or emotionally charged moment. Perhaps Christian storms out in a rage, or Josh breaks down in frustration. This will give the scene a stronger conclusion and leave the audience wanting more.



Scene 20 -  Secrets and Conflict at the Farmstead
51 EXT. FARMSTEAD - CONTINUOUS 51

Christian emerges from the Main House, extremely tense. Near
the door, a very pale SIMON smokes a cigarette with Connie.
Mark stands with them, stunned.

MARK
Wait, though: for real? The two old
ones? With the singing?
SIMON CONNIE
I can’t stay here four more
days, I’m sorry. That’s fine. I can’t, either.

Mark turns to Christian:

MARK
Christian dude: of all the things
to let me sleep through!

Simon sees Christian’s demeanor.
SIMON
We feel the same way, mate.
Fuming, Christian just acknowledges Simon with a tight-lipped
smile. Looking out, he then notices in the FIELD: several men
and women are decorating a TREE that has been pulled from the
earth and is now elevated on its side. Among the decorators
he sees MAJA, working with her friend ULLA (28). They laugh
as they work.

Christian gestures “excuse me” to Simon, and approaches Maja.
As he walks toward her, he passes several other people
working in the BG.
CHRISTIAN
Excuse me? Hi. Sorry to bother
you...
Maja looks up - not understanding. She looks almost panicked.

MAJA
(not sure of the word)
Hello.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 59
51 CONTINUED: 51
CHRISTIAN
I’m Christian.
Ulla insert herself:
YOUNG WOMAN
Hello. I am Ulla. She is Maja.
CHRISTIAN
Hi Ulla. Maja. I, uh -- What are you
guys doing?
ULLA
Decorating the tree!

Christian tries to ignore that Maja is staring at him with
wide eyes. Some of the working men also stare.

CHRISTIAN
I was wondering, uh, if I could
ask -
(pulls out pen and paper)
- how many of those Attestupans you
guys have seen performed.
ULLA
Every time one reaches age.

CHRISTIAN ULLA (CONT'D)
Okay... So lots.
CHRISTIAN
Right. Okay. And what would be, like,
a typical mourning period? For
grieving?
ULLA
We grieve and celebrate.
Maja is still staring at Christian, love-stricken. He is
aware of it, but tries to ignore.
ULLA (CONT’D)
We must go now and keep work going.
CHRISTIAN
Okay. No problem. Thank you. I
might find you to ask more later?
Ulla smiles “okay” and walks off with Maja. They wave
goodbye.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Goodbye.
(to Maja)
‘Bye Maja.
Maja smiles timidly and waves goodbye again.

MAJA
(turning away)
Hello.
Christian smiles and turns. His smile evaporates, however,
when he sees...
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 60
51 CONTINUED: 51
JOSH is standing near the stage, talking to PELLE.
JOSH
And I told Christian this already,
and now I think he’s trying to
pretend that it was his idea, so if
he comes to you--
PELLE
Well, no, hey, wait a minute: I
seriously doubt the elders will
approve of anything being written.
They’re extremely protective..
JOSH
So I can just use aliases for
everything. Solved.
PELLE
Then what would be the point? You
couldn’t even get it peer reviewed.
(before Josh can argue)
Christian did already ask me this,
by the way. I told him the exact
thing I’m telling you.
JOSH
...I thought you just said he
hadn’t talked to you.
PELLE
(annoyed)
Fuck, look: I’ll ask the elders.
But if it is approved, you either
both do it together or you fight it
out between yourselfs.
Pelle puts his hands up to signify “That’s it.” He walks off.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Christian, visibly tense, finds Simon and Connie leaving the farmstead, while Mark expresses surprise at their departure. Christian approaches Maja and Ulla, who are decorating a tree, seeking information about the Attestupans' mourning rituals. He learns they grieve and celebrate simultaneously and is invited to ask more questions later. Meanwhile, Josh attempts to claim the idea of writing a thesis on the Hårgas as his own, pitching the idea to Pelle. Pelle, however, insists on collaboration or conflict resolution between Josh and Christian before approaching the elders about the thesis.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing cultural rituals
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be repetitive or expository
  • Limited exploration of certain character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the introduction of the Ättestupan ritual and the conflict between Christian and Josh. It also sets the stage for further revelations and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Ättestupan ritual is unique and adds depth to the cultural practices of the Hårga community. The conflict between Christian and Josh over their research topic adds an interesting layer of internal conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the Ättestupan ritual and the escalating tension between the characters. The scene sets up important conflicts and reveals key aspects of the Hårga community.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements and explores the clash between outsider perspective and community traditions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, especially in their reactions to the community's customs and the conflicts that arise. Christian's curiosity and unease, Josh's frustration, and Maja's love-stricken behavior add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Christian's curiosity and unease are highlighted, while Josh's frustration and conflict with Christian show a change in their dynamic. Maja's love-stricken behavior adds a new dimension to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Christian's internal goal is to understand the cultural practices of the community and possibly gather information for his own purposes. This reflects his curiosity and desire to integrate into the community.

External Goal: 7

Christian's external goal is to gather information about the Attestupans ritual and possibly use it for his own benefit. This reflects his need to understand and navigate the community's traditions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Christian and Josh, as well as the tension surrounding the Ättestupan ritual, creates a high level of conflict in the scene. The emotional and cultural conflicts add depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing conflicting beliefs, hidden agendas, and uncertain outcomes. The audience is kept on edge about how the conflicts will unfold.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are evident in the cultural clashes, personal conflicts, and the mysterious rituals of the Hårga community. The characters' decisions and interactions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key rituals, conflicts, and character dynamics. It sets up important plot points and reveals crucial information about the Hårga community.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the secretive conversations, hidden motives, and unexpected character dynamics. The audience is left wondering about the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash between Christian's outsider perspective and the community's deeply ingrained traditions. This challenges Christian's beliefs and values as he navigates the cultural differences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from curiosity and unease to love and conflict. The unsettling rituals and personal conflicts heighten the emotional impact and engage the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and cultural differences. It drives the plot forward and reveals important information about the Hårga community.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, tense character interactions, and cultural exploration. The subtle tension and nuanced dialogue keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for character interactions to unfold naturally, and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene descriptions, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions, dialogue, and scene direction.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit rushed and doesn't quite land the emotional impact it aims for. It's mostly exposition and lacks tension or conflict.
  • The dialogue is clunky, with lots of direct statements of emotion (e.g., "Fuming, Christian just acknowledged Simon with a tight-lipped smile"). Show, don't tell!
  • The scene's intention seems to be to showcase Christian's frustration, but it also introduces the conflict between Josh and Christian, making the focus unclear.
  • The interaction with Maja feels rushed and superficial. Her staring at Christian doesn't feel believable or impactful, and we don't get a sense of their relationship dynamic.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Christian feeling conflicted, but we don't see how this conflict will play out in the larger story. It feels like a setup without a payoff.
  • The scene doesn't do enough to visually differentiate the Hårga community's customs from modern norms. We need to see the difference more clearly than a tree being decorated.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a single conflict or emotional arc within the scene. Is it about Christian's anxiety or the rivalry between him and Josh?
  • Use subtext and action to convey emotion. Instead of telling us Christian is fuming, show it through his body language, facial expressions, or the way he speaks.
  • Develop the interaction with Maja. Make her staring feel more meaningful and build tension. What is her motivation? How does it impact Christian?
  • Show the difference between Hårga customs and modern norms. Use visual cues, dialogue, or actions to emphasize the cultural divide.
  • End the scene with a clear resolution or a strong emotional hook. How does Christian's frustration affect his actions? What will he do next?
  • Consider adding an element of visual conflict. Perhaps Christian sees something that challenges his assumptions about the Hårga culture, creating more tension and curiosity.



Scene 21 -  A Ceremony of Fire and Water
51A EXT. FIRE PIT - “EVENING” 51A

The corpses of Ylva and Dan are carried (by Hårgan men) to
the everlasting fire pit. They are lowered carefully onto the
flames. Hårgans stand soberly about, respectful.

52 EXT. MEADOW - “EVENING” 52
Dani sits cross-legged near the lake. Her eyes are closed.
She’s trying to meditate, but her breathing is still
unstable.
Christian appears behind her.
CHRISTIAN
Hey.
Dani’s eyes open with a start. She turns to him.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
How we doing?
DANI
I can’t stop fucking shaking and my
teeth keep chattering.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 61
52 CONTINUED: 52


CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
I can imagine. Today was a Feels like the neck on my
lot. skin is getting tighter. Like
I’m choking.
Dani pulls at her neck. Christian puts a hand on her
shoulder.
CHRISTIAN
You gonna be okay?
DANI
(looking up at him)
Are you just not at all disturbed
by what happened?
CHRISTIAN
I mean, of course, it was shocking.
But I’m also trying to keep an open
mind.
Dani just stares at him.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
It’s - cultural. We abandon our
elderly to nursing homes. I’m sure
they find that disturbing.
Dani EYES him, disturbed by his nonchalance. She then sees...
In the b.g., a congregation of MEN and WOMEN (all holding
lanterns) are migrating off together. At the front of the
queue are men carrying the BEJEWELLED TREE (which we saw the
men decorating earlier).
DAGNY, whom we met earlier, splits from the group to RUN over
to Dani and Christian.
DAGNY
Hello! Do you like to joining us
with a special ceremony?
DANI
Why? What’s happening now?

DAGNY
Special.
DANI
(to Christian, whispering)
I can’t do another thing.
Dani looks to the queue, fraught. Among the line-up is an
equally unnerved CONNIE.
CHRISTIAN (O.S.)
It’s okay. We can brave it
together.
53 EXT. MEADOW - MOMENTS LATER 53
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 62
52 CONTINUED: 52
Dani (pulling again at her neck, still feeling claustrophobic
in her own skin) and Christian uneasily join Connie among the
migrating crowd. They’re approaching a LAKE, which seems to
GLOW in the distance.
DANI
Did they tell you what this is?
CONNIE
(shakes head)
Someone better not be launching off
another fucking cliff.
Christian sees MARK behind them, and slows down to join him.
CHRISTIAN
Hey.
MARK
(whispering)
Dude. The Elvira girl behind us
keeps giving me sex eyes, but she
speaks like zero English.
Mark is talking about the PRETTY BRUNETTE from earlier. She
walks behind them (a few bodies away). Christian turns to
look.

MARK (CONT’D)
No, dude, I didn’t say “look.”
Don’t fucking announce it.

Christian turns back.
MARK (CONT’D)
Anyway, I’m in love with her.
CHRISTIAN
(can’t help himself)
Don’t you fuckin’ kinda hate Josh?

54 *OMITTED* 54

55 *OMITTED* 55
56 EXT. LAKE - SAME TIME 56
Everyone arrives at a lake. Trees at the short have been
decorated with lanterns, and torches glow at the opposite
side of the water.
Siv walks up to a mystified Dani and Connie.
SIV
Do you admire the Brisinga-smycket?
CONNIE
The lanterns?
SIV
Glädje’s necklace. We give it now to
her mother, Kärlek, as praise for
creating our sun.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 63
56 CONTINUED: 56
Dani and Connie don’t understand, nor do they inquire
further. Siv laughs, seeing their confusion.
SIV (CONT’D)
(to Connie)
Think of it like theatre. Strictly
presentational. Yes?
Dani placates her by nodding. Siv smiles.

HARD CUT TO:

56A EXT. LAKE - MINUTES LATER 56A
A BELL is rung. Everyone’s attention has gone to the front of
the lake. Dani looks extremely nervous.
IRMA stands at the center of the shore. She SINGS a brief
wordless song and then announces to the lake:
IRMA
Med tacksamhet och lovord, du ärade
gudinna, överlämnar vi denna
blygsamma gåva.
Music is played as the men HOIST up the lavishly decorated
tree, run it towards the lake, and HURL it into the water.
The lake gulps the tree down.
A HORN bellows.
A thin man, SVEN (40s), steps out to announce, quite
theatrically:
SVEN
Åh nej! Hör ni mullrandet? Jag tror
hon ännu är hungrig.
IRMA
Jag hörde inget mullrande.
(to the crowd)
Gjorde någon av er?
Grumblings all around. The consensus is “no.”
SVEN
Jaså, antar att det kan ha varit
min egen mage.
Some polite laughter among the congregation.

SVEN (CONT’D)
Men jag vill inte riskera att
förarga vår generösa Moder.
IRMA
Inte jag heller. Men vi har redan
skänkt bort våra finaste ägodelar
och mest fruktbara träd. Vad mer
kan vi möjligen erbjuda?
Then a YOUNG BOY (10) is heard among the crowd. This is BROR.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 64
56A CONTINUED: 56A
BROR (O.S.)
Vi kan använda mig!
The crowd OPENS UP to reveal Bror. He is adorned in the same
jewels and flowers as the tree. His costume is an imitation
of the tree’s. He is clearly reciting lines (with less
confidence than Sven and Irma).
IRMA
Du, unga Bror, önskar erbjuda ditt
liv till vår älskade Gudinna?
BROR
Om hon vill ha det!
SVEN
Så modig du är, lilla Bror!
BROR
Modig? Vad är modigt med att resa
hem?
Horns are played as Bror steps forward to stand before the
men who tossed the tree. They reluctantly strap WEIGHTS to
the boy’s ankles and arms. They then lift the boy up and
carry him to the lake.
Dani starts to PANIC.
DANI
(to Siv)
No. What’s happening?
Siv SMILES.
The boy is taken to the edge of the lake, and the men begin
to SWING him back and forth. They are preparing to launch him
into the water.
DANI (CONT’D)
NO!!!
This mingles with other protestations from the crowd:

HÅRGAN #1
Nej, sluta!

HÅRGAN #2
Låt honom vara! Han har visat sitt
mod!
The crowd erupts into a CACOPHONY OF STAGED PROTEST (”No!
Release him!”). The men stop swinging the boy. After
sufficient heckling, the men RELEASE the boy. He then runs to
SIV, bashfully burying his face into her dress. She pats his
head with pride.
Everyone APPLAUDS. The performance seems to be over. Dani
looks completely disoriented.
Connie turns to Siv.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 65
56A CONTINUED: 56A
CONNIE
So, is this just like a Wiccan
thing??
SIV
(confused at first)
Wicca? Oh my dear no! This is about
reciprocity.
Connie, wild eyed, looks unsatisfied.
SIV (CONT’D)
Strictly presentational.
Dani still looks crazed. She turns to find CHRISTIAN, who (in
contrast) looks very amused.

57 *OMITTED* 57

58 *OMITTED* 58
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Dani and Christian, outsiders visiting the Hårgan community, witness a bizarre and unsettling ceremony. They see the corpses of Ylva and Dan being burned, then a bejeweled tree thrown into a glowing lake. A young boy, Bror, is prepared as a sacrifice, adorned like the tree, but the crowd protests and he is released. Dani is deeply disturbed by the events, while Christian finds them amusing, highlighting a cultural clash and leaving a sense of unease and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Cultural richness
  • Mystery and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some confusion for the characters and audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, gripping, and effectively conveys a sense of mystery and horror. The cultural and supernatural elements add depth and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a ritual sacrifice in a traditional Swedish pagan community is unique and captivating. It adds a layer of cultural richness and mystery to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of the Ättestupan ritual and the characters' reactions to it. It adds tension and raises questions about the community's beliefs and practices.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural rituals and practices, explores complex emotional dynamics, and challenges traditional narrative conventions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the ritual reveal more about their personalities and beliefs. Dani's fear and Christian's curiosity add depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Dani, experience a significant shift in their understanding and perception of the community and its practices.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, is struggling with her emotions and trauma from recent events. Her internal goal is to cope with her anxiety and fear, as well as to find a sense of stability and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the unfamiliar and unsettling rituals of the Hårga community, while also trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and connection with her boyfriend, Christian.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters' understanding of the ritual and the community's beliefs creates a high level of tension and unease.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values, moral dilemmas, and intense emotional stakes. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters witness a ritual sacrifice and grapple with their own beliefs and fears.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces a crucial ritual and deepens the mystery surrounding the community, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its unexpected twists, moral dilemmas, and shocking revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict between Dani's values of empathy and compassion, and the Hårga community's beliefs in sacrifice and reciprocity. This challenges Dani's worldview and moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, shock, and confusion in the characters and the audience, leading to a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves to convey the characters' emotions and reactions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, mysterious setting, and dynamic character interactions. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension, emotion, and action. The rhythm and flow enhance the scene's impact and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a gradual build-up of tension and conflict. The pacing and rhythm enhance the scene's effectiveness and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual image of the corpses being burned, but the dialogue between Dani and Christian feels a bit stilted and repetitive. Their conversations about the rituals feel more like exposition than natural dialogue, and it's unclear what Dani's internal conflict is at this point.
  • The introduction of the "special ceremony" with the bejeweled tree feels rushed and unclear. The audience is left wondering what the ceremony entails and why it is so important to the Hårgans. The description of the tree being thrown into the lake feels more like a description than an emotionally impactful scene.
  • The scene then quickly shifts to the lake, where the ceremony is unveiled. The dialogue is mostly in Swedish, which could be confusing for the reader unless they have a good understanding of the language. The dialogue between Sven and Irma about the goddess being hungry feels forced and comedic, which clashes with the somber tone established earlier.
  • The introduction of Bror, the young boy, feels contrived and the dialogue feels overly theatrical. The scene feels staged, and the protest of the crowd feels too artificial and predictable.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Connie's confused question about Wicca. The scene could benefit from a more satisfying resolution, either with Dani's emotional reaction to the events or with a clearer explanation of the significance of the ceremony.
  • The scene suffers from pacing issues. The dialogue slows down the scene unnecessarily, especially when it comes to Dani and Christian's exchange about the ritual. The scene could benefit from more visually engaging action and faster pacing.
Suggestions
  • Focus on Dani's internal conflict. What is she struggling with? Is she feeling overwhelmed, scared, or conflicted? Explore her emotional journey as she witnesses these rituals.
  • Explore the significance of the bejeweled tree ceremony. What is it about this ritual that makes it so important to the Hårgans? Why are they so focused on satisfying the goddess? How does this ritual affect Dani?
  • Use more concise dialogue. The scene could benefit from more action and less exposition. Instead of telling the reader what is happening, show them through the characters' actions and reactions.
  • Consider using more cinematic language to describe the scenes. Instead of simply saying “the men hoist up the tree,” show the men straining under the weight of the tree, their faces grimacing in effort, as they carry it towards the lake. Use visuals to convey the physicality of the rituals.
  • Develop the character of Bror. What is his motivation for offering himself? How does his story connect to the overall theme of the film?
  • Add a more impactful ending to the scene. Consider ending the scene with Dani's reaction to the events, showing her either falling apart or finding a new sense of purpose. Alternatively, end the scene with a cryptic comment from one of the Hårgans, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of unease.



Scene 22 -  Growing Divide
59 EXT. FIELD - MINUTES LATER 59
Dani has pulled Christian to a secluded spot. She is very
high-strung. In the b.g., the Hårgas’ WATER POWER PLANT is
visible.
DANI
Please Christian - we need to
leave. This is feeling really
wrong.
CHRISTIAN
Okay: look: I know it’s weird.
That’s because it’s alien. We
haven’t ever been exposed to
anything like this.
DANI CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
No, Christian: this is pagan
nature worship. This is
completely backwards. We
shouldn’t be here. We just need to acclimate--
DANI
I don’t want to acclimate! I want to
leave.
CHRISTIAN
Baby, I cannot leave right now.
Period. I’m doing my thesis on these
guys--
DANI
What? Since when?!
CHRISTIAN
Since I decided! Today. Which you
know has been a nightmare for me to
figure out. And I made the mistake of
telling Josh and now he’s competing
with me--
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 66
59 CONTINUED: 59
DANI CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
So let him have it if he
wants it! We shouldn’t be No, hey - have you even seen
here, Christian. what’s happening here?! This
level of tradition? And
nobody knows about it,
nobody’s written on it - and
they’ve invited us to be part
of it! Can’t you see what a
privilege that is?!
Because Pelle did!
But why have they invited us?
Because he trusts us!
And why did Pelle?!
DANI
And why would he trust you, of all
people? You’re opportunistic
anthropology students.
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
Maybe because we’re
anthropologists. Maybe they
want someone to document Oh my God, are you blind?
this. They’re performing pagan
rituals! People are jumping
off cliffs. They depend on
nobody knowing about this!
CHRISTIAN
(stubborn)
Not necessarily.
Dani HESITATES, seeing that she’s getting nowhere.
DANI
I want to leave.
CHRISTIAN
Then you can leave. I invited you
to come, and I don’t regret that,
but I’m here for a reason.
Beat. Christian’s eyes are ice cold.
DANI
...Do you not love me anymore?
CHRISTIAN
(momentarily stunned)
What does that have to do with this?
DANI
(almost to herself)
This is the devaluation phase.
We've been in it for a long time
now. Next comes the discard.
CHRISTIAN
Oh fuck - can we maybe spare our
relationship your textbook
psychology keywords?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 67
59 CONTINUED: 59
DANI
No - this has been happening for a
long time! You’ve been pulling
away. And I've been in denial.
CHRISTIAN
(finished)
Oh, please - give yourself some
credit, babe. Looks to me like
you've got it all figured out.
Christian turns to walk away, but then he STOPS. He turns
back to Dani, suddenly furious.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Actually, you know what? I’m just
gonna say something. When you
casually gift me a bouquet of
impromptu flowers, all I wonder is
how and when I'm supposed to pay
that back.
DANI
(genuinely baffled)
What? What flowers?!
(suddenly remembers)
At lunch?? I grabbed those on a
whim!
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
Oh yeah? Yes!
You have no ulterior motives? What motives would I have?
On the day after your
birthday? When I didn’t get
you flowers?? Everything you
give me is like a reminder
that I didn’t get you
something!
DANI (CONT’D)
(incredulous)
Are you serious?
CHRISTIAN
Yeah, fine - see? Play the wounded
party again. You're just this self-
denying altruist and I'm a paranoid
dick. You don't have a conniving
bone in your body!
DANI
And what is it that you imagine I'm
conniving?
CHRISTIAN DANI (CONT'D)
You are, Dani! I feel like
I'm being locked into your
debt every time you do
something “just because.” I don't do anything to “keep
‘Cause it's never just you in my debt”! I’m just
because. trying to be kind to you!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 68
59 CONTINUED: 59

CHRISTIAN
Fine, great - so never mind. You’re
right. I’m the asshole.
DANI CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
Nobody’s the asshole! No, I clearly am! You
selflessly give me flowers
and I feel trapped. Fuck. I’m
supposed to be WORKING here!
Christian turns and STORMS away.
DANI
Oh my God. You’re gonna walk away
now??
As he leaves, she cries out:
DANI (CONT’D)
You’re just gonna leave me like
this?!
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Dani and Christian argue about the Hårgas' ceremony, with Dani wanting to leave and Christian determined to stay for his research. Their disagreement escalates into accusations of manipulation, highlighting a growing rift in their relationship. The scene culminates in Christian angrily storming off, leaving Dani alone.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Sharp and confrontational dialogue
  • Character depth and development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive arguments
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in revealing the characters' inner conflicts and relationship dynamics. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the devaluation phase in a relationship is effectively portrayed through the interaction between Dani and Christian, showcasing their growing disconnect and unresolved issues.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the scene delves into the deteriorating relationship between Dani and Christian, setting the stage for further conflict and character development.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh conflicts and emotional dynamics, portraying authentic reactions and dialogue that enhance the authenticity of the characters' actions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dani and Christian are well-developed and their emotional turmoil is palpable, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Dani and Christian undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, revealing their vulnerabilities, insecurities, and unresolved issues.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to leave the place as she feels uncomfortable and believes the situation is wrong. This reflects her need for safety and her fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Christian to leave with her, reflecting the immediate challenge of their conflicting desires and beliefs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Dani and Christian is intense and emotionally charged, highlighting the underlying issues in their relationship and setting the stage for further developments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and beliefs creating obstacles for the characters and adding uncertainty to the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as it explores the deteriorating relationship between Dani and Christian, highlighting the potential consequences of their unresolved issues and emotional turmoil.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between Dani and Christian, revealing their inner struggles, and setting the stage for further developments in their relationship.

Unpredictability: 8.5

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional outbursts, shifting power dynamics, and unresolved conflicts between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the differing beliefs of the characters regarding tradition, trust, and personal motives. It challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to the characters' inner turmoil, relationship dynamics, and personal struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and reveals the inner thoughts and conflicts of the characters, driving the scene forward and adding layers to their relationship dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, dramatic dialogue, and the characters' internal struggles, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the characters' emotional exchanges and escalating conflicts, enhancing its overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting standards for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character motivations and conflicts, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a good premise: Dani is uncomfortable with the pagan rituals and wants to leave, while Christian is determined to stay for his thesis. However, the dialogue quickly becomes repetitive and argumentative, with both characters repeating their arguments without much nuance.
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. Dani's anxieties about the rituals are not fully explored, and Christian's motivations for staying are not clearly explained. The focus seems to shift abruptly from Dani's fear to Christian's insecurity.
  • The scene relies heavily on dialogue and lacks visual elements to support the tension. The setting is described but not fully utilized to create a sense of atmosphere and place.
  • The scene's climax, where Christian accuses Dani of manipulating him with gifts, feels forced and unearned. The accusation comes out of nowhere and doesn't feel genuine. It also undermines the previous tension of the scene by making Christian appear childish and unreasonable.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unresolved. Christian walks away, leaving Dani alone, but the audience is left with no sense of where the story is going next or how this conflict will be resolved.
Suggestions
  • Explore Dani's anxieties about the rituals in more detail. Show her fear through actions, reactions, and internal monologues, instead of just stating her discomfort.
  • Give Christian a more nuanced motivation for staying. Explore his fascination with the Hårgas and his desire to understand their culture, without making him appear opportunistic or insensitive.
  • Use the setting to create a sense of atmosphere and tension. Describe the details of the field, the water power plant, and the surrounding landscape to create a visual and emotional backdrop for the scene.
  • Focus on the emotional core of the conflict instead of the arguments. Show how Dani's anxieties about the rituals are affecting her relationship with Christian, and how Christian's desire to pursue his thesis is distancing him from Dani.
  • Consider using visual elements to enhance the tension. For example, show Dani's fear through close-ups on her face, or use wide shots to emphasize the isolation of the field and the looming presence of the water power plant.
  • Rework the climax of the scene to make it more believable and impactful. Consider how the accusation of manipulation could be linked to earlier events or behaviors.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene. Consider how the conflict between Dani and Christian could be resolved or escalated in a way that moves the story forward.



Scene 23 -  Morning Rituals and Rising Tension
60 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - “NIGHT” 60
People are closing the shutters, bringing the Main House into
darkness.
Dani enters with sunken eyes. Christian’s already in bed.
Staring at him, Dani walks to JOSH. (She is pulling at her neck
again.)
DANI
Do you have a sleeping pill?
JOSH
Sure. Uh...
Josh fishes a PILL out of his bag.
JOSH (CONT’D) DANI
They’re intense, though. You
might wanna cut it in half. I just need to sleep.
She swallows it whole.
61 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - “NIGHT” 61
Silence. Everyone is asleep, including Dani.
There is RUSTLING heard off-screen. Dani WAKES. She sits up
to see...
Christian’s bed is now EMPTY. So is Mark’s bed. And Josh’s.
Concerned, Dani looks to the DOOR. Mark, Josh, Pelle and
Christian are quietly tip-toeing out of the house. They
GIGGLE. Christian is the last to exit.
Confused, Dani climbs out of bed. She rushes to the door.
Dani looks OUTSIDE to see that the group is now inside the
RENTAL MINIVAN, which is IDLING off. Pelle drives, SMILING.
Christian, in the back seat, looks down at his lap, ignoring
Dani. MARK ROUNDS TO THE BACK WINDOW, SMILING GIDDILY AT DANI
as they drive away.
Dani watches this in utter horror.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 69
61 CONTINUED: 61
The diminishing car’s TAILPIPE belches thick black smoke.
Dani opens her mouth in anguish. An impossible amount of
BLACK SMOKE (the same color as that from the tailpipe)
escapes her lungs, FILLING the frame, and then--
We SLAM to a HARSH INSERT of the GORED FACE of the second
Elder who jumped off the cliff. He GASPS wretchedly.
We then PUNCH OUT, wider, to reveal that the dashed bodies on
the rocks are DANI’S PARENTS and her SISTER. We then CUT TO:
62 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - “NIGHT” 62
Dani is ASLEEP in bed. The last scene was a DREAM. Her
eyelids twitch as she continues to suffer the nightmare.
We pan away from Dani to reveal that MAJA, several beds over,
is AWAKE. She anxiously fingers a freshly carved RUNE STONE.
Her eyes are GLUED to Christian, who is fast asleep.
Maja climbs out of bed and tip-toes to Christian’s bed. She
crouches to SLIDE the rune stone under his mattress. She then
runs nervously back to her bed. Poking out from under her
pillow are seven different flowers.
JOSH, whom we now reveal to be awake, has been watching this.
63 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - NEXT MORNING 63
All of the beds are now empty, and morning activity is
heard outside. Dani, however, is still asleep.
63A EXT. FIRE PIT - MORNING 63A
The corpses of the elders (Ylva and Dan) are no longer
visible in the fire. Two Hårgan MEN reach underneath
the fire pit to pull out a TRAY (stationed below the
pit). This catches all of the fire’s ASHES, which fall
through small holes in the pit.
64 EXT. BOOKBINDING HOUSE - MORNING 64

In the BG, the men from the last scene carry the ash tray
over to a massive ROTVÄLTA (a fallen tree whose root system
is exposed). The earth around the rotvälta is particularly
ASHEN. The men ceremoniously scatter the ashes across the
pale, chalky ground.
We pull back from this to reveal PELLE tending to the garden.

MARK (O.S.)
Nice garden, fag!

Pelle turns to see Mark and Josh approaching. In the deep MG,
between Mark/Josh and Pelle, are two ceremonially dressed
men, surrounded by onlookers. They finish a ceremonial song
before CHOPPING a straw goat into three sections, celebrated
by silent clapping. Josh walks past it, filming it with his
phone.

Pelle SIGHS and rises. Behind him, Sven is walking in the MG,
getting in the zone for the upcoming ceremony.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 70
64 CONTINUED: 64

JOSH
Hey man. Any word?
PELLE JOSH (CONT'D)
They said you can do it as
long as you absolutely don’t
use names and the location is (nodding, excited)
never even hinted at and Okay. Wow. Okay.
you’ll have to sign an
agreement to that.
Josh can’t contain his glee.
PELLE
And you split it with Christian.
Because he came to me first.
JOSH
Well, that’s -- We’ll figure that
out.
Mark notices in the distance: WOMEN picking flowers. Among
them: INGA. She is laughing with her friends.
JOSH (CONT’D)
(to Pelle)
Here: can I ask you something?
MARK
I’m gonna take a leak.
Mark walks off. We see Inga noticing him as he goes. (Beyond
her, ULF - one of the straw goat choppers - has walked up to
a hole in the earth. He kneels down to lay the straw goat
head into the hole. He then sprinkles different herbs into it
and starts filling the hole back up with dirt.) Josh pulls
Maja’s RUNE BONE out of his pocket.
JOSH
I found this under Christian’s bed.
Do you know what this is?
PELLE
(looking over it)
Love rune. It casts a love spell.
CHRISTIAN has appeared in the BG, taking a few photos of Ulf
(who is now pouring lamb’s blood onto the hole). Christian
now starts toward us. As he approaches, SEVERAL ANIMALS are
led across the field (by specially dressed Hårgans) just
behind him. Josh CONCEALS the rune.
CHRISTIAN
What’s going on?

PELLE
The elders said you can do your
thesis as long as you don’t use
actual names or location.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 71
64 CONTINUED: 64
CHRISTIAN PELLE (CONT'D)
Holy shit. That’s incredible.
Thank you so much. You’re splitting it with
Josh.
CHRISTIAN
(as if Josh isn’t there)
I already told him that’s totally
fine with me.
Pelle notices Christian glancing over at Maja.
PELLE
I think my sister Maja has taken a
liking to you.
CHRISTIAN
Oh. Yeah. I think I noticed.

Ulf, in the BG, has now taken to praying silently (standing
upright with his eyes closed).
PELLE
(raising eyebrows)
You know, she just got her
byxmyndig.
CHRISTIAN
Ha. What’s that?
PELLE
It means -
(smiling at the silly
expression)
- “pants license”? When you turn
fifteen, you’re allowed to have
sex.

In the BG, Ulf has noticed something horrible.
BEARDED MAN (O.S.)
NEJ!!!
Christian and Pelle and Josh FREEZE. Behind them, ULF is
running toward the Rotvälta (where the recently deceased
elders’ ashes were scattered). They all turn to it...
MARK is standing behind the fallen tree, urinating. His two
juice cups are resting on top of the giant fallen tree. When
he sees Ulf, his urine stream CEASES.
ULF
VAD GÖR DU? STOPP! BORT DÄRIFRÅN!
Mark, looking stupefied, is FROZEN.
ULF (CONT’D)
Stoppa undan din vidriga kuk. Hur
vågar du!
Mark zips back up, utterly confounded. He steps out from
behind the tree, but is still standing on the ashes.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 72
64 CONTINUED: 64
ULF (CONT’D)
STICK FÖR FAN! STICK!
Not understanding, Mark hesitantly steps away, leaving the
ashen area.
ULF (CONT’D)
Det här är våra förfäder! Du pissar
på våra förfäder!
People have started gathering around.
MARK
What’s wrong? What did I do?
Pelle (and Christian and Josh) have run over.
PELLE
What happened?
ULF
Din lilla Amerikanska vän här, har
pissat på Rotvältan!

PELLE MARK
(gasps)
Jag är så ledsen Fader Ulf!
Han visste ju inte. What happened? What did I do?
PELLE
You were peeing on the ancestral
tree.

MARK ULF
The tree? So what? I’m sorry. “SO WHAT?!”
MARK
What?! I didn’t know!
Ulf is in a fury. He STIFLES it, but his eyes are
frighteningly wide.
PELLE
Here, Mark: let’s just...
Pelle leads Mark away. Christian joins.
MARK
What the fuck? It was a dead tree.
What’s even happening?
PELLE
All of our dead are tied to that
tree.
MARK PELLE (CONT'D)
But it’s dead. It’s a dead I know, but it’s important to
fucking tree. I didn’t us. It’s okay. We know you
realize it was special. I didn’t know. You wouldn’t pee
just had to pee. -- Well, no, on a gravestone, right?
of course not.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 73
64 CONTINUED: 64
Mark looks over to Ulf, who has collapsed into furious TEARS.
ARNE, a sturdy Elder, speaks soothingly to him.
Mark calms down.
MARK
Well - fuck. I am sorry. I still
don’t understand what I did... Do I
apologize?
PELLE
Apologize later.
The Pretty Brunette (Mark’s crush), named INGA, walks up.

MARK INGA
Oh shit. Hi. (to Pelle)
Säg till honom att det ordnar
sig. Han fattar inte. Jag ska
prata med Fader Ulf.
She SMILES at Mark and walks off.
PELLE
(explaining)
She said to tell you it’s okay and
that she’ll explain to him your
mistake.
MARK
(overjoyed)
Seriously? What else did she say?
Christian now sees DANI in the distance, woozily looking for
him. He walks over to her, affecting pleasantness.

CHRISTIAN DANI
Hey! (seeing him)
Oh!
CHRISTIAN
You get some good sleep?
They arrive at each other. He gives her a peck. In the BG,
the other goat-chopper is standing and silently praying.
About twenty other Hargans stand about in the distance,
staring shocked at the scene with Ulf and Mark.

DANI
What’s happening there?

CHRISTIAN
Mark’s just completely retarded.

Dani thinks to ask more, but instead:
DANI
I’m sorry about last night.
CHRISTIAN
...How you feeling?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 74
64 CONTINUED: 64
DANI
(pause, emotional)
I don’t want us to be fighting,
Christian.
CHRISTIAN
Well - me neither.
Christian looks like he wants to say more. Dani waits for it.
Finally, Christian thinks better of it.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Are you feeling less nervous today?
Dani pauses uncertainly at this.
HORNS bellow in the BG. The surrounding Hårgans cease
working and everyone, including Dani and Christian, look
off in the same direction.

65 *OMITTED* 65

66 *OMITTED* 66
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary The morning after Dani’s disturbing nightmare, the Hårgan community engages in various rituals. Maja places a rune under Christian’s bed, while the men clean the fire pit where the elders were burned and scatter their ashes on the rotvälta. Mark, seeking permission for his thesis, is allowed to write it but with restrictions. Tension arises when Mark accidentally pees on the ancestral tree, provoking Ulf’s fury. Christian and Pelle try to defuse the situation, and Inga intervenes. Dani and Christian have a brief, charged exchange, avoiding a confrontation. The scene ends with the sound of horns, leaving everyone looking toward the source, hinting at an upcoming event.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and suspense
  • Intriguing cultural rituals
  • Complex characters and conflicts
  • Emotional depth and turmoil
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository
  • Certain character actions may seem predictable or cliché

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a sense of unease and tension, with a mix of disturbing visuals and emotional turmoil. The dream sequence adds depth to Dani's character and sets up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the Hårga community's rituals and beliefs is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The dream sequence adds a layer of psychological horror and foreshadows potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of the Ättestupan ritual and the conflict between characters. The scene sets up potential conflicts and reveals more about the Hårga community.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unsettling situations, blending elements of horror and psychological drama. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity, with conflicting motivations and emotions. Dani's emotional journey and Christian's opportunistic behavior add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dani experiences emotional turmoil and conflict, leading to potential character growth. Christian's opportunistic behavior and the cultural clash challenge the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, is seeking comfort and stability in this scene, reflecting her deeper need for security and reassurance after experiencing trauma.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to understand the strange and unsettling events happening around her, reflecting the immediate challenge of navigating a foreign and potentially dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the cultural clash with the Hårga community, and Dani's internal struggles create a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with conflicts arising from cultural differences, personal misunderstandings, and mysterious events. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' motivations and intentions.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are present in the cultural rituals, the conflicts between characters, and Dani's emotional journey. The scene sets up potential dangers and challenges for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, revealing more about the Hårga community, and setting up potential character arcs. The dream sequence adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to its unexpected twists, dream sequences, and eerie revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between modern beliefs and ancient traditions, challenging the protagonist's worldview and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and sadness in the characters and the audience. Dani's emotional journey and the disturbing visuals enhance the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension and conflict between characters. It reveals their motivations and emotions, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious events, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and the unfolding mysteries.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of tension and quiet reflection. It maintains a steady rhythm, building suspense and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format. It effectively conveys the visual and auditory elements of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, building tension through dream sequences and unexpected revelations. It deviates from traditional narrative formats, adding to its impact.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a dream sequence that doesn't feel very impactful or well-connected to the previous scene. The dream doesn't seem to reveal any significant information about Dani's character or the overall story.
  • The abrupt transition from the dream to the next morning feels jarring. The scene could be smoother by using a transition like 'Dani wakes with a gasp, sweat clinging to her skin.' This would help connect the dream to the present moment.
  • The scene relies too heavily on visual exposition, making the dialogue seem uninspired. For instance, the audience is told that Mark is 'completely retarded' instead of allowing the character to show it through his actions and dialogue. This weakens the character's voice.
  • The scene feels clunky with too many characters and subplots. The conflict between Mark and Ulf, although seemingly important to the Hårgan culture, slows down the main narrative. It might be better to cut this scene altogether or integrate it into another scene where the conflict between Mark and Ulf is more relevant to the main story.
  • The scene lacks a strong central conflict or a clear dramatic purpose. It feels more like a series of disconnected events rather than a well-structured scene driving the plot forward. What is the emotional heart of the scene? What does the scene want to accomplish?
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. It starts with a rushed dream sequence, followed by an overly detailed description of the ash-scattering ritual, and then it abruptly shifts to a conversation about Mark's urination, which feels awkward and jarring.
  • The dialogue feels unnatural. There's a lack of emotional depth in the conversation between Dani and Christian. Their exchange about their feelings feels superficial and lacks the emotional weight it should have after the previous scene.
  • The scene ends with an abrupt transition to the next scene, with no clear resolution to the conflict or development of the characters. The ending lacks a sense of closure or anticipation for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dream sequence to make it more impactful. It could be an opportunity to explore Dani's inner conflict, her fear of the Hårgas, or her lingering grief for her family.
  • Introduce a transition that smoothly bridges the dream sequence with the next morning. This could be a dialogue between Dani and another character, a visual element that connects the two scenes, or a change in the lighting and sound that indicates a shift in time.
  • Give Mark a stronger voice. Instead of simply being told he's 'retarded,' allow his character to reveal his cluelessness through his actions and dialogue. This could involve him making insensitive comments or making a series of mistakes, showcasing his naivety and lack of understanding of Hårgan culture.
  • Streamline the scene by focusing on the main conflict between Dani and Christian. Is there a way to show the cultural clash between Dani and the Hårgans through their actions and dialogue, rather than through direct exposition?
  • Consider adding a subplot to the scene, potentially involving a character like Maja, that helps build suspense and adds more layers to the narrative.
  • Consider removing the scene altogether or integrating it into another scene where it fits better. For example, the scene with the ashes and the Rotvälta could be incorporated into a scene where the Hårgans are preparing for a larger ritual, making it more relevant to the overall narrative.
  • Give the dialogue more emotional depth. Allow Dani and Christian to reveal their true feelings about the situation and their relationship. Use subtext and emotional reactions to convey their feelings rather than simply stating them explicitly.
  • Consider creating a more satisfying ending for the scene. This could involve Dani making a decision, Christian reacting to her emotional state, or a cliffhanger that sets up the next scene.



Scene 24 -  The Sacrifice and the Comfort
67 EXT. ANIMAL SACRIFICE HILL - DAY 67
CU of a COW’S HEAD being pushed through a hole in a PILLORY.
We ZOOM OUT of this to find that the pillory has additional
holes (extending beyond both sides of the cow’s), and
additional animals’ heads are being pushed through them.
We eventually zoom out wide enough to reveal that this
pillory, perched at the top of a HILL, has secured the heads
of NINE ANIMALS (one sheep, two goats, two dogs, a baby
horse, a cow, and two pigs).
Sven stands to the side of the line-up. On the other side are
Siv, Dagny and Hanna.
The entire community has congregated at the bottom of the
hill. Dani looks very nervous. She turns to Pelle, who
already looks concerned for her.
DANI
I don’t want to be here, right?
PELLE
(brief pause)
Yes. You don’t want to be here.
Dani looks to Christian. He looks very excited. She turns
back to the top of the hill, anxious.
Siv sings one very extended note to the air. When she
finishes, SILENCE. And then...STEADY PERCUSSION BEGINS.
Sven strikes a different POSE (physically and emotionally)
with every percussive hit as Siv, Dagny and Hanna begin to
SING. As we’ve heard before, it is a WORDLESS choral song.
The rest of the congregation sings along in whispers.
Nine YOUNG MEN, each holding a blade, walk up to the animals.
Simultaneously, they all SLIT THE ANIMALS’ THROATS. The animals
THRASH wildly as BLOOD drains from their necks. (The song has
degraded into anguished snarls and cries.)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 75
67 CONTINUED: 67
That does it. Dani STORMS OFF. Christian is too awe-stricken
to care. Josh, meanwhile, is recording a covert VIDEO with his
phone.
Beneath each animal, a narrow CHANNEL has been pre-carved
into the earth. Each channel winds and loops to eventually
converge, thus forming THREE MASSIVE RUNIC SYMBOLS. The blood
pours from each animal to run down the separate canals. Soon,
the blood has co-mingled to fill the carefully-engineered
runic sculpture. It’s horrible and beautiful.
Josh and Christian, briefly joined in their excitement, trade
looks of amazement. Mark looks mystified.
MARK
Is this weird or is this not weird?
Pelle now goes after Dani, who is speed-walking away.
In the b.g., Simon can be heard saying:
SIMON (O.S.)
What the fuck did you bring us to?
Dani walks past SIMON, who looks very scared in the BG. He is
confronting a grinning Ingemar.
SIMON (CONT’D)
(to Ingemar, aggressively)
Why are you smiling, mate?

Dani speed-walks away from the site (with intermittent
running), going for the Main House. Pelle follows her,
glancing over his shoulder to view more of the ceremony.

68 *OMITTED* 68
69 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - MINUTES LATER 69
Dani enters the Main House, eyes crazed. She goes to her bed
and begins hastily packing her bag. Her breathing is erratic
and she’s pulling at her neck again (as if to loosen the
skin).
Pelle enters.
PELLE
Dani?
Dani looks up, teeth chattering with anxiety.
DANI
I’m really sorry, Pelle. Thank you
for inviting me, but I really need
to go. Can someone maybe drive me?
PELLE
I did warn you this time. I know it
looks extreme, but we only do this
once every ninety years. It’s -
what’s the word--
DANI
I understand that it’s momentous.
PELLE
(that was the word)
Right! Exactly!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 76
69 CONTINUED: 69
DANI PELLE (CONT'D)
(snapping)
I don’t know why we’re here,
Pelle! I don’t know why you
invited us! Okay: Here: Sit down.
Please.
He sits Dani down. He plants himself beside her, taking her
hands.
PELLE (CONT’D)
I invited my friends because this is
a once-in-a-lifetime thing and I
wanted to share it. Especially with
my friends who I knew would
appreciate it, because I am proud of
this place.
DANI
But I’m not an anthropologist. I
don’t have the foundation to
understand this.
PELLE
And yet I was the most excited for
you to come.

Pelle has pulled a special homemade sachet (containing a
SPECIAL HERB) from his pocket. He places a under her nose.

PELLE (CONT’D)
Here: smell this.
DANI
What is it?
PELLE
It calms you down.
She pauses before smelling it.
PELLE (CONT’D)
Go on. Inhale. I will, too.
Demonstrating, he INHALES the herb deeply. He puts it back to
her nose, and she does the same. She’s still trembling.
PELLE (CONT’D)
Isn’t that nice?... I know what
you’re going through, Dani.
DANI PELLE (CONT'D)
What am I going through? I’m You’re going through a lot.
scared. I can’t breathe.
PELLE (CONT’D)
I know you are, and I’m going to say
something now, because my birth
parents are both gone, too--
DANI
What?!
(crying now)
That’s not what I’m talking about!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 77
69 CONTINUED: 69
PELLE
I know, and that’s fine, but
please... My birth-parents both died
when I was a little boy. They burned
up in a fire, and I became -
technically - an orphan. So believe
me when I say I know what that is,
because I do. Yet my difference is:
I didn’t get a chance to feel lost.
Because I had a family - here -
where everyone embraced me and swept
me up and I was raised by a
community that doesn’t bicker over
what is theirs and what is not
theirs. That’s what you were
sacrificed to. But I - have always
felt...held. By a family. A real
family. Which everyone deserves. And
you deserve.
Dani looks down at Pelle’s hands GRIPPING hers.
DANI
Christian could walk in.
PELLE
He’s what I’m talking about. And he’s
my good friend and I like him... But
do you feel HELD by him, Dani? Does he
feel like a HOME to you?
His eyes are locked intensely on Dani’s. She doesn’t turn
away.
PELLE (CONT’D)
My pilgrimage has been fun. New York
is fun... But I also find it
terrifying how people live. As if it’s
necessary and even good to be lost and
drifting...and I haven’t spent one
night over there that I haven’t longed
to be back here...in the lap of the
Hårgas.
Dani looks almost hypnotized as she looks into Pelle’s eyes.
PELLE (CONT’D)
Stay, Dani. Please. It will be
good... And I swear we’re all
finished sacrificing animals.
Dani gives a weak half-laugh. She relents. She sits up
straight and wipes her eyes, regaining composure.
PELLE (CONT’D)
Good.
Pelle stands up.
DANI
You’re a very empathic person.
PELLE
Well, our first language here is
strictly emotion-based. So I could
just be using that to manipulate
you.
Dani pauses at this. Pelle sticks his tongue out, teasing.
Dani SMILES, relieved.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 78
69 CONTINUED: 69
PELLE (CONT’D)
You are super vulnerable, though.
And I mean that in a great way.
It’s very rare. It’s beautiful.
Dani is touched, but tries to hide it.
DANI
(re: the herb)
Can I smell that again?

PELLE
(holding it out)
You can have it.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary A disturbing ritual involving the sacrifice of nine animals takes place on Animal Sacrifice Hill, leaving Dani deeply unsettled. Pelle attempts to soothe her fears by explaining the ritual's significance and the importance of community, while Christian is fascinated and Josh secretly films the event. Despite her initial distress, Dani ultimately agrees to stay after Pelle's comforting words and a calming herb.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery
  • Tension
  • Character development
  • Cultural exploration
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to complex rituals and themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, combining tension, emotion, and mystery to create a compelling and memorable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a ritualistic animal sacrifice and the exploration of belonging and family ties within a mysterious community are executed effectively, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the ritual and the emotional conversation between Pelle and Dani, adding layers to the characters and the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and unsettling ritualistic ceremony that challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Dani and Pelle, are well-developed in this scene, showcasing vulnerability, empathy, and internal conflict.

Character Changes: 8

Both Dani and Pelle undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, deepening their character arcs and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dani, is struggling with fear and anxiety in this scene. Her internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and comfort in a situation that is overwhelming and unfamiliar to her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to stay or leave the community after witnessing the extreme ceremony. This reflects her immediate challenge of processing the events she has experienced.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of internal conflict for Dani, as well as external conflict surrounding the ritual and the dynamics within the group.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that create uncertainty and tension. The audience is unsure of how she will resolve her conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dani grapples with her discomfort and the group navigates the unfamiliar and potentially dangerous rituals of the Hårga community.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the Hårga community, deepening the mystery and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected and extreme nature of the ritualistic ceremony, as well as the protagonist's uncertain decision to stay or leave the community.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between the community's belief in the importance of tradition and sacrifice, and Dani's discomfort with and lack of understanding of these practices. This challenges her beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through Dani's internal struggle and Pelle's heartfelt conversation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations while driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and unsettling subject matter, as well as the emotional depth of the protagonist's internal struggle. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual, but the description of the pillory and the animals' heads could be more evocative. Instead of listing the animals, consider using more impactful language that conveys the horror and shock of the scene.
  • The descriptions of the ritual are detailed, but the emotional impact is lacking. Dani's nervousness feels superficial, and the other characters' reactions are not fully developed. Consider showing the impact of the ritual on the characters instead of just telling us.
  • Pelle's reaction to Dani's distress feels forced. The scene would be stronger if he showed genuine concern and empathy, rather than simply stating that she doesn't want to be there.
  • Christian's excitement feels jarring in the context of the scene. It would be more impactful if he were shown to be conflicted or disturbed by the ritual, as Dani is.
  • The dialogue between Simon and Ingemar feels out of place and disrupts the flow of the scene. It would be more effective to show Simon's fear through his actions and expressions rather than through dialogue.
  • The scene abruptly shifts to the main house, leaving the ritual unresolved. Consider ending the scene with a more impactful image or event that leaves a lasting impression on the viewer.
  • Dani's decision to leave feels rushed and unearned. The scene would be more impactful if there was a clearer build-up to her decision and a more convincing reason for leaving.
  • The dialogue between Dani and Pelle feels too expository and lacks authenticity. It would be more impactful if they focused on their emotional connection and the shared experience of loss rather than explaining the Hårgan culture.
  • Pelle's speech about his birth parents feels forced and overly sentimental. It would be more effective if he focused on how the Hårgan community has helped him to heal and find a sense of belonging.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and lacks closure. Consider ending the scene with a more emotionally resonant moment or a cliffhanger that leaves the viewer wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Instead of listing the animals, use evocative language to describe the scene. For example, “Nine animals, their heads impaled on the pillory, stare out with vacant eyes, their blood staining the earth.”
  • Show the emotional impact of the ritual on the characters through their body language, facial expressions, and actions. For example, Dani could be shown gagging or turning away, while Christian could be shown staring in fascination, but with a hint of unease.
  • Develop Pelle's character by showing his genuine empathy for Dani. He could offer her comfort, understanding, or a way to escape the scene.
  • Show Christian's conflict by depicting him struggling with the scene's disturbing nature, possibly torn between his curiosity and his discomfort.
  • Cut the dialogue between Simon and Ingemar. Show Simon's fear through his physical reactions and his interaction with Ingemar.
  • End the scene with a more impactful image, such as the blood filling the runic symbols, or Dani's final reaction to the scene as she walks away.
  • Develop Dani's decision to leave organically, showing her growing discomfort and fear. Give her a strong reason to leave, such as a specific event that triggers her anxiety.
  • Focus the dialogue between Dani and Pelle on their emotional connection, their shared experience of loss, and how the Hårgan community could provide a sense of belonging. Let their emotions drive the conversation.
  • Subtly reveal Pelle's past through his actions and expressions, rather than directly stating it. Show how his experience has shaped him and how he is using his story to connect with Dani.
  • End the scene with a more emotionally resonant moment, such as Dani finally finding solace in Pelle's presence, or with a cliffhanger that leaves the viewer wondering about Dani's future.



Scene 25 -  The Aftermath of Sacrifice
70 EXT. ANIMAL SACRIFICE HILL - SAME TIME 70
The ceremony has ended.
Simon and Connie stand frozen, traumatized. Simon is visibly
DISTRAUGHT. He stares up at the top of the HILL, where the
blood-drained animals are now being taken from the pillory.
SIMON
Are we eating those animals?
INGEMAR SIMON (CONT'D)
Not those ones. And why not?
INGEMAR
(seeing the aggression)
...Because they weren’t killed for
that.
SIMON
So what were they killed for? So we
could watch that shit and clap?
Ingemar smiles. This infuriates Simon.
SIMON (CONT’D) CONNIE
What the fuck is that smile, (trying to calm him)
mate? Get it off. Simon...
This has drawn attention. People are now looking over.
INGEMAR SIMON
(gesturing)
We can talk about this over
here. Why didn’t we talk about it
before you took us here?
Ingemar gently touches Simon’s arm to lead him away.
SIMON (CONT’D)
(pulling back his arm)
Don’t sort me out, mate!
STEN speaks up.
STEN
What’s offending you, son?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 79
70 CONTINUED: 70
SIMON
What’s offending me? Besides the
fact I just saw something I can’t
ever unsee, I’m offended that
you’re teaching impressionable
kids to sacrifice innocent animals
- including a fucking defenseless
dog--
IRMA speaks up.
IRMA
We sacrificed defenseless animals
yesterday, too! To fill your belly!
STEN
Why are we using “sacrifice” like
it’s a dirty word?
SIMON IRMA
Because it’s fucking Why are you swearing?! We’re
medieval! not swearing!
Sten gestures to Irma to calm down.
STEN
(to Simon)
Are you even aware you’re in your
body right now?
(then)
Sacrifice is essential in any
relationship. Let’s put it in your
terms--
SIMON
What are my terms? You don’t know
my terms--
STEN
(continuing, louder)
Say you’re entangled with a lover
who can’t put your needs before
her own.
CONNIE
What does that mean?!
STEN
(to Connie now)
Say your partner can’t part with
even a fraction of his own comfort
to give you what you need. And show
that you’re appreciated.
(to both of them now)
Wouldn’t you resent them? Wouldn’t
you start to neglect them yourself?
Maybe you’d even want to punish them
for taking you for granted.
(to Simon)
Sacrifice is proof. And without it,
I’m sorry, but no union can last.
Beat. Simon pops the bubble:
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 80
70 CONTINUED: 70
SIMON
Alright. Thank you for that. And
now we’ve seen two people kill
themselves and nine animals get
bled to death, so I think we’re
leaving.
STEN
I’ll happily drive you to the
station.
SIMON
Lovely. Thank you.
(to Connie)
Let’s go. We’re getting our things.
STEN
(gesturing)
I do need your help jumping the
truck, if you’ll be so kind.

SIMON
You need my help specifically?

STEV
Who am I driving?
Simon pauses.
SIMON
(to Connie)
Go pack our stuff. I’ll pick you up
out front in -
(to Sten)
- five minutes?
STEN
Very fine.
Connie doesn’t want to go alone. She hesitates and then walks
quickly off. We TRACK alongside Connie, following her away.
As Connie speed-walks, PANIC rises in her. She looks back a
few times, making sure that she’s not being followed.
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary Following a disturbing animal sacrifice ceremony, Simon and Connie are deeply troubled. Simon challenges Sten's justification for the ritual, arguing that it is immoral to teach children to kill innocent creatures. Sten defends the practice, comparing it to the necessary sacrifices in relationships, but Simon remains unconvinced. The scene ends with Simon and Connie, visibly shaken, leaving the hill, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Deep exploration of cultural practices
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Potentially disturbing content for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in revealing the darker aspects of the Hårga community. It effectively sets up conflict and tension among the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the sacrificial ceremony is unique and adds depth to the cultural practices of the Hårga community. It serves as a crucial turning point in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the sacrificial ceremony, leading to conflict and character development. It adds layers to the narrative and raises the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of sacrifice by exploring its role in relationships and societal norms. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the ceremony reveal their beliefs, values, and conflicts. It deepens their development and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and confrontations, leading to potential shifts in their beliefs and relationships.

Internal Goal: 9

Simon's internal goal is to confront the disturbing nature of the animal sacrifice ritual and express his moral outrage. This reflects his deeper need for justice and compassion.

External Goal: 8

Simon's external goal is to leave the location and distance himself from the disturbing ritual. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting a cultural practice that goes against his values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, their beliefs, and the cultural practices of the Hårga community is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters holding conflicting beliefs and values that create obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontations.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the clash of cultures, the intense emotions, and the potential consequences of the sacrificial ceremony.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial aspects of the Hårga community, deepening conflicts, and raising the stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected confrontations and revelations between characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' differing views on sacrifice and its role in relationships. Simon sees sacrifice as barbaric, while Sten argues that it is essential for maintaining relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of discomfort, fear, and tension, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is confrontational and intense, reflecting the characters' emotions and the high stakes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and emotional stakes between characters. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between characters. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the tension and conflict between characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too expository. It's a lot of telling rather than showing. The characters are explaining things to each other, and it feels more like a lecture than a natural conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict. It is primarily driven by Simon's anger, but it doesn't have a sense of tension or purpose. The back and forth between Simon and Sten about sacrifice doesn't feel organic to the story and feels more like an info dump.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. There are long stretches of dialogue, which can feel tedious, especially when the characters are simply explaining their beliefs to each other.
  • The character development is lacking. Simon's anger doesn't feel earned, and the audience doesn't get a good sense of his motives for being so upset.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt. Simon decides to leave, but it isn't clear what motivates him. The scene lacks a sense of closure.
  • The scene's overall tone feels a bit inconsistent. It starts with a somber and unsettling mood, but it then shifts to a more expository and didactic tone.
Suggestions
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of having characters explain their beliefs, find a way to show the audience what they believe through their actions, dialogue, and interactions.
  • Create a clear conflict. What is at stake in this scene? What are the characters fighting for? Is it about Simon's reaction to the sacrifice, or is there something deeper going on?
  • Focus on the visual. Use the scene to build the world and the atmosphere. What do the Hårgan rituals look like? How do they make Simon and Connie feel?
  • Develop the characters. Give the audience a better sense of who Simon is and why he is so disturbed by what he has seen. Make his anger feel justified and relatable.
  • Create a stronger sense of tension. What are the stakes for Simon and Connie? What will happen to them if they leave?
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. What is the emotional impact of Simon's decision to leave? What does it mean for the future of the story?



Scene 26 -  Simon's Departure and Christian's Indifference
70A EXT. MAIN HOUSE 70A

She arrives at the MAIN HOUSE. Dani and Pelle are standing
outside. They watch her storm past.
DANI CONNIE
Are you okay, Connie? (not stopping)
Yeah. Sorry. We’re actually
leaving.

We stay outside with Dani and Pelle in a wide. Before long,
ODD comes running up.
ODD
Connie!

Connie steps out. She lugs her bags and Simon’s bags.

ODD (CONT’D)
Simon told me to tell you...
(catching his breath)
Jan drove him to the train station.
(MORE)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 81
70A CONTINUED: 70A
ODD (CONT’D)
After Simon gets dropped off, he’s
sending the truck straight back for
you -
CONNIE ODD (CONT'D)
What? - and you’ll meet him there.
CONNIE
No. Why would he go without me? He
wouldn’t do that.
ODD
The truck only had room for two.
CONNIE
What does that mean? That’s not
true. Why wouldn’t he tell me?
ODD
Today’s only train leaves in ninety
minutes. It takes thirty-five
minutes to drive there and back.
They didn’t want to waste time.
CONNIE
So I could’ve sat on his lap!
ODD
Simon said that, too. Yet we don’t
break traffic laws.
Connie looks to Dani, incredulous.
CONNIE
(to Odd)
They just left without me, just
now?
ODD
There wasn’t room in the truck.
Yet it is coming right back. For
you.
Connie shakes her head, not buying it. She WALKS OFF, on a
mission to find out more. Odd turns to Dani:
ODD (CONT’D)
Lunch in a bit!

71 *OMITTED* 71

72 *OMITTED* 72
73 EXT. FIELD - DAY 73
Mark, standing in the shadow of the kitchen-side, peers
cautiously around the corner. He’s listening to (and trying
to catch a glimpse of) ULF, who cries into the shoulder of
MATS (late 60s), a handsome elder. He’s still devastated
over the desecrated Rotvälta.

MATS
Jag vet. Det är obegripligt. Men
han förstod inte vad han gjorde.
Beyond this, Christian is interviewing VALENTIN (20s).
Christian takes NOTES as he asks questions. Two Hårga women
listen in, smiling.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 82
73 CONTINUED: 73
Christian’s eyes keep straying to JOSH, who is also
questioning people. They are now RACING to gather info.
CHRISTIAN
How are roles or jobs assigned?
VALENTIN
That’s based on traits we show as
kids. For example:
(points to Mats)
He was assigned “to protect,” so he
made his pilgrimage as doctor.
Christian quickly writes this down. DANI walks up to him.
CHRISTIAN
Hey. You okay?
DANI
...Simon left without Connie.
CHRISTIAN
(faux concern)
Really? That’s so shitty.
Christian bluntly returns his attention to Valentin.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
(to Happy Man)
Actually - what about coupling? Is
incest ever a problem?
Dani PAUSES, disturbed by Christian’s indifference. For the
first time, she actually looks scared of him.
VALENTIN
Ha! Well, the bloodlines are very
well preserved, so the elders must
approve mates. Cousins can
sometimes mate, but we do respect
the incest taboo, so...we often
need to invite outside peoples.
Christian is taking feverish notes. Dani watches him with a
new kind of SCRUTINY; a new kind of distrust. As Christian
writes, he GLANCES over at something, and then does a double
take (”what the hell?”). Dani also looks...
JOSH is being led to Ruben’s temple by ARNE...

Christian stares at this, wild-eyed. Dani walks disdainfully
away from him.

74 *OMITTED* 74

75 *OMITTED* 75
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Connie arrives at the main house to find Simon has left for the train station without her. Odd claims there was no room in the truck, but Connie is unconvinced. Meanwhile, Christian interviews Valentin about Hårga customs while Dani arrives with the news of Simon's departure, which Christian seems indifferent to. Josh is led to Ruben's temple by Arne, a development Christian observes with surprise. Dani, now distrustful of Christian, walks away, leaving him alone with Valentin.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere
  • Intriguing concept
  • Complex characters
  • Tense conflicts
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced
  • Pacing could be improved in certain parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a tense and unsettling atmosphere, delving into the depths of the Hårga community's rituals and the emotional impact on the characters. The mix of horror, drama, and mystery elements keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the ritual sacrifice and the clash of cultures between the Hårga community and the outsiders is intriguing and well-executed. It adds depth to the story and raises questions about tradition, sacrifice, and belonging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of the Hårga rituals and the emotional conflicts between the characters. The tension builds as the outsiders witness the disturbing ceremonies and face internal and external challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural practices and interpersonal conflicts, adding depth to the characters and their relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the narrative forward.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity, especially in their reactions to the rituals and the conflicts arising within the group. Their emotional struggles and differing perspectives add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience changes in their perspectives and relationships, especially in response to the rituals and conflicts. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Connie's internal goal is to understand why Simon left without her and to confront the situation head-on. This reflects her need for security and trust in her relationship.

External Goal: 7

Connie's external goal is to find out more information about Simon's departure and to potentially catch up with him before he leaves.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' emotional struggles to the clash of cultures between the Hårga community and the outsiders. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Connie facing unexpected challenges and conflicting information that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters navigate the disturbing rituals of the Hårga community, face internal and external conflicts, and grapple with their own emotions and beliefs. The consequences of their actions are significant.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the Hårga rituals, the conflicts between the characters, and the emotional impact of the events. It sets the stage for further developments and reveals key aspects of the community.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events and character decisions that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Christian's indifference towards cultural norms and Dani's discomfort with his behavior. This challenges Dani's values of respect and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and discomfort to sadness and anger. The characters' emotional turmoil and the disturbing rituals create a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and differing viewpoints. It adds to the tension and helps develop the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, character dynamics, and unfolding mystery. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue-driven moments and character actions. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, making it easy to follow and engaging for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It maintains tension and intrigue throughout.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a slow and clunky introduction of Connie's situation, which feels like a rehash of the previous scene. It could benefit from a quicker pace and more direct action.
  • Odd's dialogue feels overly expository. He provides too much information about Simon's intentions, which could be conveyed more subtly through Connie's reaction and actions.
  • Connie's disbelief about Simon leaving her behind is not fully conveyed. The dialogue feels a bit flat and doesn't capture her emotional response.
  • The scene shifts abruptly to Mark and Ulf, disrupting the flow and creating a disconnect. It would be more effective to transition smoothly between these scenes, perhaps through a visual connection or a shared character.
  • The introduction of Christian's interview with Valentin feels rushed. The dialogue is expository and doesn't fully engage the reader. The scene could benefit from more visual detail and subtext to make the interview more compelling.
  • Christian's reaction to Connie's statement about Simon leaving feels overly casual. It's out of character and doesn't reflect the seriousness of the situation. This moment could be used to reveal more about Christian's motivations and anxieties.
  • Dani's reaction to Christian's lack of concern is unclear. The script doesn't fully capture her growing distrust of him. This could be amplified through visual cues, internal monologue, or dialogue.
  • The final image of Josh being led to Ruben's temple feels jarring and abrupt. The scene doesn't fully explain the significance of this action, leaving the reader with unanswered questions. The scene should build up to this moment more effectively.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. It doesn't advance the plot significantly or reveal any crucial information about the characters or setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider opening the scene with a more dynamic visual, such as Connie's frantic search for Simon, to immediately grab the reader's attention.
  • Cut down on the expository dialogue. Allow Connie's reactions and actions to reveal Simon's intentions and her feelings.
  • Add visual details to create a more immersive experience. Describe Connie's panicked expressions, her quickened pace, and her frantic search for answers.
  • Find a smoother transition between Connie's scene and Mark and Ulf. This could be achieved by a shared character, a visual connection, or a shift in time.
  • Give Christian's interview with Valentin more depth and visual detail. Show Christian's growing anxiety and his obsession with gathering information.
  • Make Christian's reaction to Connie's statement about Simon leaving more nuanced. Show his inner conflict and his potential motives for his nonchalance.
  • Amplify Dani's reaction to Christian's indifference. Show her growing distrust through her body language, internal monologue, or sharp dialogue.
  • Build up the scene towards Josh being led to Ruben's temple. Show the growing tension and mystery surrounding the temple and its significance.
  • Consider adding a scene where Connie is reunited with Simon at the train station. This would allow for a more satisfying conclusion to her storyline and provide a clearer sense of closure.
  • Make sure the scene serves a clear purpose in the overall story. It should advance the plot, reveal character development, or create tension for the reader.



Scene 27 -  A Taste of the Unknown
76 EXT. FARMSTEAD - MINUTES LATER 76
Dani walks idly around, thinking about her exchange with
Pelle (and about Simon leaving Connie). She holds the herb
pouch that Pelle gave to her. As the gears turn in her head,
her attention falls on...
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 83
76 CONTINUED: 76
A large KITCHEN in one of the houses. A group of WOMEN (all
ages) collaborate to prepare dinner. One woman, ULRIKA (30s),
sees Dani and waves her over. Dani pauses and then
approaches.
ULRIKA
Would you like to help join us?
DANI
Sure!

She steps up.

DANI (CONT’D)
Do you know...have you seen Simon?
ULRIKA
Oh, yes, he was driven to the
station. Did you not say goodbye?
DANI
No. I didn’t. But that’s okay...
(mind still racing)
What are we making?
ULRIKA
Meat tarts!
Dani smiles “ooh!” and joins the women. She’s handed an
apron. Another Woman says something to Dani in Swedish.
ULRIKA (CONT’D)
(translating)
Hon säger att du är så vacker.
DANI
Oh! She’s so beautiful!
Meanwhile, MAJA is preparing a tray of unbaked MEAT PIES. One
of the pies is clearly very special. She distinguishes this
one by laying a special BASIL LEAF on top.
76A EXT. FARMSTEAD - SAME TIME 76A
SIV stands among labouring men, staring at the KITCHEN
WINDOW. She watches Dani. Behind her, the maypole is being
transported from its original placement.
77 INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME 77
The HOLY TEMPLE. Josh stands near the altar with Arne, who
has pulled the Rubi Radr from an elevated pedestal. He
shows Josh the text (written in the graphic Affect language
- a combination of runes and abstract hand paintings). The
walls of the temple are lined with thousands of books that
look like variations on the Rubi Radr.
ARNE
We describe it like “emotional sheet
music.”
JOSH
What does it say?
ARNE
Well...each runic letter stands for
one of the 16 Affects, which are
graded from most holy to most unholy.
This one is about Grief.
(MORE)
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 84
77 CONTINUED: 77
ARNE (CONT'D)
You can see at the end, however, we
have blank pages?
Indeed the last half of the book is BLANK.
ARNE (CONT’D)
This is because the Rubi Radr is a
forever work in progress. Forever
evolving. We have many hundreds of
these.
JOSH
And who decides what’s added?
ARNE
Well - this iteration is being
written by Ruben.
Arne points to RUBEN, the deformed boy, who is playing
outside.
JOSH
(confused)
The...disabled?
ARNE
Since birth. He draws and the Elders
interpret.
He shows Josh the first pages. They are marked by HANDPRINTS -
all in different colors of paint. (Below the drawings are
illustrative interpretations.)
ARNE (CONT’D)
Ruben is unclouded by normal
cognition. It makes him open for the
source.
JOSH
So...what happens when Ruben dies? Do
you just wait until a new baby isn't
“clouded”?
ARNE
Ruben was a product of inbreeding.
All of our Oracles have been
deliberate products of inbreeding.
Josh’s jaw hangs. He hides his amazement.
JOSH
Can I possibly take a photograph?
ARNE
(suddenly alarmed)
What? No. Absolutely not.
Arne CLOSES the book.
JOSH ARNE (CONT'D)
Okay. Sorry. Absolutely not.

A TENSE beat. Broken suddenly by a very DISTANT SCREAM, too
far away to discern whether it’s made by a man or animal.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 85
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Dani explores the farmstead, joining the women preparing dinner and learning about the community. Meanwhile, Josh encounters the mysterious Rubi Radr in the temple, a book filled with runes and abstract art. As Josh learns about the book and its creator, a distant scream echoes through the air, leaving both Dani and Josh with a sense of unease and anticipation.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Intriguing concept of Hårga rituals
  • Well-defined characters and conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be confusing for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a tense and disturbing atmosphere, delving into the mysterious and emotional aspects of the Hårga rituals. It keeps the audience engaged with its unique elements and strong emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Hårga rituals, the role of Oracles like Ruben, and the evolving nature of traditions are intriguing and well-developed. The scene effectively introduces and explores these concepts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of the Hårga rituals, the conflict between characters, and the emotional impact on Dani. It sets up further tension and conflict within the group.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces original elements such as the community's belief system and the role of inbreeding in producing oracles. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and conflicts drive the scene forward and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Dani, experience significant emotional changes during the scene. Dani's discomfort, fear, and emotional turmoil reflect her internal growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dani's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and distraction from her emotional turmoil after Simon's departure. She seeks connection and a sense of belonging within the community, as evidenced by her willingness to help with dinner preparations.

External Goal: 7

Dani's external goal is to engage in a communal activity and distract herself from her personal problems. By participating in the cooking process, she aims to integrate herself into the community and find a sense of purpose.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the tension between characters, the cultural clashes, and the emotional turmoil experienced by Dani. These conflicts drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting belief systems and ethical dilemmas creating tension and discomfort for the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of these conflicts.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters navigate the unfamiliar and unsettling Hårga rituals, face internal and external conflicts, and experience emotional turmoil. The decisions they make have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the Hårga culture, deepening the conflicts between characters, and setting up further tension and drama within the group.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the community's belief system and the role of inbreeding in producing oracles. The tension between the characters adds to the sense of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the community's unique belief system and practices, such as inbreeding to produce oracles. This challenges Josh's worldview and ethical beliefs, leading to a moment of tension and discomfort.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear, confusion, curiosity, and sadness. The rituals, sacrifices, and emotional turmoil experienced by Dani create a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys information about the Hårga customs, the role of Oracles, and the evolving traditions. It also reveals the tensions and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it balances moments of warmth and community bonding with darker revelations and conflicts. The character interactions and dialogue keep the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, with a balance of slower moments of community bonding and faster-paced revelations in the temple. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling. The formatting supports the narrative flow and character development.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too exposition-heavy. It's mostly dialogue about the Rubi Radr, and while that information is important, it could be conveyed more organically.
  • The character of Arne feels somewhat flat. His motivations for refusing to let Josh photograph the book aren't entirely clear, and his sudden shift in demeanor could be smoother.
  • The pacing is a bit slow. The scene starts with Dani going to the kitchen, which is a nice change of pace, but the conversation with Ulrika is a bit drawn out.
  • The visual aspect of the scene could be more impactful. The description of the temple and the Rubi Radr are well-written, but they don't quite translate into a memorable visual experience.
  • The scream at the end feels a bit abrupt and doesn't have much context. It's a good cliffhanger, but it would be even more effective if the audience had more reason to care about what's causing the scream.
  • The scene would benefit from showing more of the Hårgan community's rituals and beliefs. The focus on the Rubi Radr is important, but it shouldn't be the only aspect of their culture that is explored in this scene.
Suggestions
  • Instead of just explaining the Rubi Radr, show Josh actively reading it. Have him notice something unusual, perhaps a hidden message or a chilling image, that makes him want to photograph it.
  • Give Arne a more compelling motivation for refusing Josh's request. Maybe he believes the book is sacred and shouldn't be photographed, or perhaps he fears Josh will misinterpret the information.
  • Consider adding a scene where Dani and Christian are having a conversation about the animal sacrifice. This could provide context for the scream and also further develop their relationship.
  • Use the visual language of the script to create a more immersive experience. Describe the temple in detail, paying attention to its architecture, decorations, and atmosphere. Similarly, describe the Rubi Radr in a way that captures its beauty and mystery.
  • Before the scream, have a moment where the characters are engaged in a conversation or activity that highlights the tension building in the village. This will make the scream feel more impactful.
  • Interweave scenes with other aspects of the Hårgan culture, such as their daily lives, traditions, or beliefs. This will help the audience understand the larger context of the Rubi Radr and its significance within the community.



Scene 28 -  Tensions at the Fire Temple Feast
77A INT. KITCHEN - EVENING 77A

Five seconds earlier. Dani is taking pies out of the oven,
but then the same distant scream from the last scene makes
her HALT.

78 *OMITTED* 78

79 *OMITTED* 79

80 *OMITTED* 80

81 EXT. FIRE TEMPLE - EVENING 81
Five seconds earlier. Mark, who was just approaching the
triangular temple, freezes to investigate the distance
scream. It is followed by nothing.
His attention now returns to the temple, where a group of
young women are entering and exiting. The women entering
carry large floral ornaments; the ones exiting are fetching
new ornaments from a pile.
Mark keeps his distance, but continues to warily approach.
INGA emerges from the house, but when she sees him, she
pauses and hesitantly waves hello.

MARK
(to himself)
Fuck, yep, that’s her.
Embarrassed, Mark gives a half-wave, then instinctively turns
away, as if to change course.

MARK (CONT’D)
Fuck.
He then forces himself to turn back. Still looking at him,
Inga has returned to work, having picked up a big piece of
floral ornamentation. She turns her back to him as she re-
enters the temple.
Behind Mark, the young boy BROR runs from one group to
another, announcing:

BROR (O.S.)
Maten är klar! ... Det är dags för
mat!
82 EXT. FIELD - EVENING 82
The dining tables are now set in a runic pattern (symbolism
TBD). Everyone is seated.
Christian, Dani, Josh and Mark sit at a table. Pelle is
seated a few seats away. Dani glances over at him. He smiles
warmly and looks away. Dani’s eyes LINGER on him.
The SERVERS are laying plates in front of everyone. One
especially COY-LOOKING SERVER sets a plate in front of
CHRISTIAN. It features the special meat pie with the BASIL LEAF
on top.
CHRISTIAN
Thanks.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 86
82 CONTINUED: 82
Dani turns to Christian.
DANI
Has anyone seen Connie?
CHRISTIAN
I think Mark did earlier.
MARK
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I noticed
her trying out for the sprinting
olympics.
DANI
What? Where?

JARL, a happy Hårgan, inserts himself. (Valentin, beside him,
smiles and nods in agreement through this.)
JARL
Sorry, but I can say what happened.
Her boyfriend called the landline
from the train station and calmed
Connie down. Then she begged our
pardon and I drove her to meet him.

A brief pause as everyone considers this.

CHRISTIAN
Okay, well, that’s a relief.
DANI
Why would Simon would leave without
her?
CHRISTIAN
I’m sure it was just
miscommunication.
DANI
(after a moment)
I could see you possibly doing that.
CHRISTIAN
...The hell does that mean?

DANI
........Never mind.
Christian stares at Dani. Surprised at the uncharacteristic
defiance.
Meanwhile, Mark has noticed ULF staring at him from a
distance. Ulf has murder in his eyes.
MARK
(to Josh)
Fuck. Somebody’s still sore about
“the ancestral tree.”
Josh looks up to see Ulf, whose eyes really are trained on
Mark.
JOSH
Yikes.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 87
82 CONTINUED: 82
MARK
Is he gonna kill me?
Josh, preoccupied, turns to Christian. He asks, faux-
casually:
JOSH
Did you learn anything about the
Rubi Radr?
CHRISTIAN
(mock-delighted)
Oh, what? You wanna collaborate now?
Josh ignores this and moves on to his food.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
I know that one elder gave you a
glimpse.
JOSH
(abruptly, ending it)
Thank you. Sorry I brought it up.
Christian seethes. He takes a BITE of his tart. As he chews,
he catches something on his tongue, and pulls a PUBIC HAIR
from his mouth. His eyes widen with alarm.
MARK
(seeing this)
Oh my God, dude. What the fuck?
DANI
(inquiring)
What is it?
MARK DANI (CONT'D)
Was that a fucking pube? Ew.

CHRISTIAN
It’s just a hair.

MARK
Yeah. A pubic hair.
CHRISTIAN MARK (CONT'D)
(embarrassed) Why are you embarrassed?
Shhh! Calm down. They’re the ones handing out
hair pies.
Christian tenses up, embarrassed by Mark. He then notices:
MAJA is looking at him. Dani catches this.
Christian self-consciously breaks the gaze, taking a sip of
his drink (a pink-tinted MEAD in a crystal glass).
Mark notices that ULF is still staring him down.
MARK (CONT’D)
Jesus. He’s still lookin’ at me.
Josh looks tensely at his NOTES. He stares at a line that
reads: Affects -- runic combinations, “emotional sheet
music”, followed by different examples of the affect
hieroglyphics.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 88
82 CONTINUED: 82
INGA, the pretty brunette, sneaks up behind Mark. She
whispers in his ear.
INGA
You will come with me?
Mark turns to her, startled. He smiles widely.
MARK
What?
INGA
You will come? I show you.
MARK
Uhhh... Oh-kay.
INGA MARK (CONT'D)
Yes? Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great.
Mark rises from his seat.
MARK (CONT’D)
(to his friends)
I’ll be back, I guess? She’s gonna
show me...
Mark looks very excited as he walks off with Inga. She takes
his hand and leads him toward the woods.
DANI
Somebody for everyone, I guess.
Josh is so immersed in his thoughts, he didn’t even notice
Mark being lured away.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary As Dani takes pies from the oven, a distant scream interrupts her. Mark approaches the Fire Temple, where he encounters Inga and a group of young women. Meanwhile, dinner guests are seated in a field, and tensions rise when Christian discovers a pubic hair on his pie. Dani expresses concern over Connie's absence, while Ulf glares at Mark, reminding him of past conflicts. Josh's probing questions about the Rubi Radr create further discomfort. Inga invites Mark to leave with her, heightening the scene's ominous atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mystery elements
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or unnatural

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, with strong emotional impact and disturbing elements that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the ritual sacrifice and the introduction of the Rubi Radr book add depth to the story and create intrigue.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the conflict between characters and the revelation of the Hårga customs, adding layers to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements and rituals, while also exploring complex character relationships and tensions. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and development, especially in the conflict between Christian and Dani, adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The conflict between Christian and Dani leads to some character development, especially in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the social dynamics and tensions within the community, particularly with regards to his interactions with Inga and the looming threat from Ulf.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to understand the customs and rituals of the community, while also trying to avoid potential conflict with Ulf.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the eerie rituals, and the tension within the Hårga community create a high level of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with looming threats and tensions that create uncertainty and conflict for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are present in the eerie rituals, the conflict between characters, and the mysterious elements introduced in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the Hårga community, the customs, and the dynamics between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions, tensions, and plot twists that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between modern values and traditional beliefs, as seen in the interactions between the characters and their reactions to the community's practices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and curiosity in the audience, with strong emotional moments between the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, emotion, and conflict between the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and intriguing plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions and decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and develops character relationships. It transitions smoothly between different settings and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene feels somewhat cluttered and lacks a clear focus. It jumps between multiple characters and storylines, making it difficult to follow the main thread of the scene.
  • The scream is a bit of a narrative cheat, as it's used to jolt the audience into the next scene without any clear motivation or consequence in this scene.
  • The character interactions feel somewhat forced and lack genuine connection. There's a lot of dialogue, but it doesn't seem to serve much purpose other than to move the plot forward.
  • The scene relies too much on exposition and telling rather than showing. We learn that Connie left with Simon, but we don't see any of the details that led to their departure.
  • The pubic hair incident feels like a cheap gag that disrupts the flow of the scene and doesn't add anything to the narrative.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness. It would be helpful to have a more definitive ending that provides closure and foreshadows the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one or two central conflicts or plot points in the scene. This will help to streamline the narrative and make it more engaging for the audience.
  • Explore the motivations behind the characters' actions. Why is Dani so suspicious of Christian? What are Mark's thoughts about Inga's invitation? Show these conflicts to create more tension and depth to the scene.
  • Use visual cues and sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Show the runic patterns on the table, the details of the food, or the expressions on the characters' faces.
  • Consider using a montage to illustrate the events that led to Connie's departure. This will give the audience a better understanding of the situation and create a more compelling narrative.
  • Rethink the pubic hair incident. It seems out of place and doesn't add anything meaningful to the scene. Consider finding a more subtle way to create tension or humor.
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene. This could be a dramatic confrontation between characters, a moment of realization for one of the characters, or a hint of foreshadowing for the next scene.



Scene 29 -  The Deceptive Encounter
83 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - “NIGHT” 83
Everybody is climbing into bed. Josh’s eyes, however, are
BUSY. He’s thinking intensely about something.
Dani sneaks up on him.
DANI
Hey, can I steal another sleeping
pill? Only half this time.
JOSH
Oh. Yeah. Okay.
Josh fetches her a pill. She takes it and moves to her bed.
Josh crawls stiffly into his bed. He’s still wearing his
SHOES.
84 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - LATER 84
Everyone is asleep, except for JOSH, who looks as tense as
before. He sits up, scanning the room to make sure nobody is
awake. He then climbs quietly out of bed. He creeps to the
door and silently exits.
85 EXT. THE MAIN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 85
Josh rushes across the grass. It’s now darkest twilight. He
hustles to the TEMPLE, glancing nervously about.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 89

86 INT. RUBEN’S TEMPLE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS 86
Josh passes the dark foyer to enter through the Temple
Doors...
87 INT. RUBEN’S TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS 87
Josh sneaks into the Temple. Ruben is asleep by the door.
Josh creeps past him to approach the pedestal featuring the
holy book RUBI RADR. He pulls out his phone, turns on the
FLASHLIGHT, and begins taking silent PHOTOS - page by page -
of Rubi Radr’s text.
While he anxiously photographs, Josh keeps glancing up at the
Temple DOORS, making sure he’s still alone. He has photographed
about fifteen pages when he hears the front door CREAK open.
Josh FREEZES. He looks up. Through the Temple’s open doors, he
sees SOMEONE standing in the dark foyer. The person is barely
visible in the dimness. After some scrutiny, Josh makes it out
to be MARK. He is standing motionless.
JOSH
(relieved, whispering)
What the fuck. Mark?
But Mark doesn’t move or speak.
JOSH (CONT’D)
(whispering)
The fuck are you doing? Close the
door! We’re not supposed to be here.
Mark still doesn’t move. Despite how hard it is to see, one
can tell that his body looks BULKIER than usual. And his face
seems somewhat SWOLLEN.
Josh looks unsettled. He starts moving toward the door.
JOSH (CONT’D)
(whispering)
Mark? Hello? What the fu--?
MARK steps forward. It is now bright enough to see... This
isn’t Mark. It’s a LARGER MAN, and he’s WEARING MARK’S SKIN
(which is stretched uneasily over the man’s bulkier
features). Upon closer inspection, one might identify these
features (and the blue eyes) as belonging to ULF.
Before the full horror of this revelation can register on
Josh’s face, he is STRUCK against the HEAD by a bludgeoning
FORCE (the end of a cudgel wielded by an off-screen Hårgan).
Josh collapses to make a sustained, involuntary GROANING
noise.
A quiet moment as “Mark,” eyes invisible behind the skin
mask, stares down at Josh’s twitching body.
Josh’s body is swiftly DRAGGED out of frame.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense and suspenseful night scene at Ruben's Temple, Josh, unable to sleep, sneaks out to photograph the holy book, Rubi Radr. He is startled when he encounters a figure he believes to be his friend Mark, but it is actually Ulf in disguise. Without warning, Ulf attacks Josh with a cudgel, knocking him unconscious and dragging his body away, leaving the audience in suspense about Josh's fate.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Shocking revelation
  • Emotional impact
  • Horror elements
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively building tension and delivering a shocking moment that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a character wearing another character's skin as a mask is a unique and disturbing idea that adds depth to the horror and mystery elements of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the character wearing a skin mask, adding a new layer of suspense and horror to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique twist with the revelation of a character wearing another character's skin, adding a disturbing and unexpected element to the plot. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the shocking revelation add to the tension and fear in the scene, showcasing their vulnerability and fear in the face of the unknown.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a significant shift in their emotions and perceptions due to the shocking revelation, leading to character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Josh's internal goal in this scene is to uncover secrets or information related to the holy book Rubi Radr. This reflects his curiosity, determination, and possibly a desire for knowledge or power.

External Goal: 7

Josh's external goal is to avoid getting caught while sneaking into the temple and taking photos of the holy book. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and unsettling, with the revelation of the character wearing a skin mask adding a new layer of horror and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Josh facing unexpected challenges and threats that keep the audience guessing and create a sense of danger and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the gruesome revelation and the characters' fear for their lives, adding intensity and suspense to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element of horror and mystery, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a shocking and unexpected twist with the revelation of a character wearing another character's skin. The sudden turn of events adds to the suspense and mystery of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of deception, betrayal, and the consequences of seeking forbidden knowledge. It challenges Josh's beliefs about morality, loyalty, and the boundaries of curiosity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, shock, and unease, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' fear and shock effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful atmosphere, unexpected twists, and dramatic reveals. The actions and dialogue of the characters draw the audience into the mystery and danger of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge as the events unfold. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the atmosphere and emotions of the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear descriptions of settings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events, building tension and suspense as Josh sneaks into the temple and encounters a shocking revelation. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • This scene is a bit clunky in its execution, primarily due to its reliance on exposition and visual cues rather than building suspense through action and character interaction.
  • The scene's reliance on visual cues to reveal the identity of the attacker is a bit lazy. It would be more engaging to have the character's actions and dialogue slowly reveal their true nature rather than simply showing us a strange, larger person.
  • The initial encounter between Josh and Mark feels uneventful. There isn't much tension or build-up before the attack, making the violence feel sudden and unearned.
  • The attack itself feels rushed. We don't see the full extent of the attack, which diminishes the impact of the violence.
  • The fact that the character is revealed to be Ulf, but we know this from a description, not the action, weakens the reveal.
  • The scene feels more like a set-up for a future event than a captivating scene in its own right.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective for Josh, making his actions seem random. We need to understand why he is taking pictures of the book and what he hopes to accomplish.
  • The scene is reliant on exposition to convey information, which can be dull for the reader.
  • The lack of dialogue between Josh and Mark before the attack reduces the scene's emotional impact. We need to hear their reactions and fears to connect with the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus on Josh's motivations. Why is he risking so much to photograph the book? Is he driven by curiosity, a sense of duty, or some other, darker motive?
  • Introduce more tension in the scene by highlighting the danger Josh is in. For example, he could notice the temple door is slightly ajar before he even begins photographing the book, creating suspense.
  • Show us the attack in more detail. We don't have to see every blow, but we can suggest the brutality of the attack through Josh's reactions.
  • Create a sense of unease by having Josh notice subtle changes in 'Mark's' appearance or behavior before the attack. Maybe 'Mark' is breathing heavily or making unnatural noises.
  • Give Josh a clear objective beyond just taking pictures. Is he trying to steal the book? Does he want to use the images for his thesis? What is the goal of his actions?
  • Increase the scene's suspense by having Josh find something disturbing in the Rubi Radr. Maybe he sees an image or text that foreshadows the attack.
  • Give Josh a chance to fight back or defend himself during the attack, even if he fails. This will add a sense of drama and realism to the scene.
  • Consider adding dialogue between Josh and Mark (or Ulf) to reveal their characters and motivations. Even a single sentence from each could add tension and intrigue.
  • Employ imagery and sensory details to create a more vivid and impactful scene. For example, describe the smell of incense in the temple, the texture of the book, or the sound of Josh's breathing as he photographs the pages.
  • Instead of simply describing the attack, consider using sound effects to create a more immersive experience for the reader.



Scene 30 -  Missing Book, Missing Boys
88 INT. THE MAIN HOUSE - MORNING 88
Outside, the ROOSTER crows.
People stir awake in their beds. Josh’s bed is EMPTY. As is
Mark’s.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 90

89 EXT. FARMSTEAD - MORNING 89
Breakfast time. The tables are shaped to form the
“stability” pattern. Dani, Christian and Pelle look
quizzically around. The community is dressed in more
colorful clothes than usual.
DANI
Could Mark still be off with that
girl?
PELLE
I wouldn’t be surprised.
DANI
Then what about Josh?
CHRISTIAN
I’m honestly not too concerned.
Sten stands up. A hush falls cleanly over the scene.
STEN
We have something regretful to
announce. This morning the
nineteenth book of Rubi Radr was
found missing from the temple. We
are not hoping to point fingers, yet
we ask kindly that whoever took it,
please return it to its original
place. You can leave it in the
temple, which will be left unguarded
and unwatched. Nobody need know it
was you. If it is not returned by
tonight, other actions will be
taken. Thank you.
He sits down and everyone uneasily resumes eating.
CHRISTIAN
(under his breath)
Fuck.
(to Dani and Pelle)
Which of you is surprised?
89A EXT. FARMSTEAD - LATER 89A
Breakfast has ended. Christian, Dani and Pelle deposit their
dirty dishes at the washing station, only to turn around and
see ARNE and STEN walking toward them. Our group anticipates
the following question:
ARNE
Where is your friend Josh?
CHRISTIAN
I know. We have no idea.
ARNE
He and your other friend disappear on
the same day. You see how it looks.
CHRISTIAN
Yes, obviously, but I swear to you -
we are completely in the dark on this.
We are every bit as confused as you
are.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 91
89 CONTINUED: 89
DANI
(not sure whether to say
it)
We did see Mark go off with one of
the girls last night.
STEN
What girl?
PELLE
Inga.
Sten thinks about this. Irma has joined. Christian
interjects:
CHRISTIAN
But Mark wouldn’t have done this.
Josh, however: he came to bed with
us, and when we woke up, he was
gone. And if he did take that book,
I just pray you understand: we do
not identify as friends of his, or
collaborators, or anything. I
certainly don't vouch for him and
we'd be so embarrassed to be
connected to this in any way.
Beat. ARNE relents.
ARNE CHRISTIAN (CONT'D)
...Let’s just hope it gets
returned. Yes. I hope that very much.
PELLE
I feel responsible.
ARNE
Well - you and Odd can go looking
for them. Maybe you can redeem this.
Pelle nods, walks to Odd, and they proceed toward the truck.
Sten turns to Dani and Christian.
STEN
(to Dani)
You’ll be going with the women for
the day’s activity.

Karin is standing behind Sten, ready to take Dani. She steps
forward to hand Dani a special summer dress.

STEN (CONT’D)
(to Christian)
And Siv asks to see you in her
house.
CHRISTIAN
(nervous)
Why?
The Elder doesn’t have the answer.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
...Which one is hers?
The Elder points to a SMALL WHITE HOUSE across the field.
Christian nods “okay” and starts toward it. As he walks, he
hears:
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 92
89 CONTINUED: 89

PELLE (O.S.) ODD (O.S.)
Grandfather Sten! The truck is gone!
STEN (O.S.)
What?!
Christian turns to see a distraught Pelle and Odd.
ODD
They took the truck.
Pelle stares daggers at Christian, and then turns back to Odd.
Christian, very uneasy now, proceeds to the small white
house...
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The community gathers for breakfast, but the mood is somber as Sten announces the disappearance of the 19th book of Rubi Radr. He also reveals that Mark went missing the previous night, and suspicion falls on Dani, Christian, and Pelle, who were the last to see their friends Josh and Mark. Dani claims she saw Mark leave with Inga, while Pelle and Odd are assigned to search for the missing boys. Their search leads them to the shocking discovery that the truck is missing, leaving them distraught. Christian, feeling uneasy, decides to visit Siv, adding another layer of mystery to the unfolding events.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing mystery element
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on internal character development
  • Some predictable character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the disappearance of the book, creating a sense of unease and mystery. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing sacred book in a mysterious community adds depth and complexity to the storyline. It introduces a compelling mystery that drives the plot forward and raises questions about trust and loyalty.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, focusing on the disappearance of the book and the subsequent reactions of the characters. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to uncover the truth behind the mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh setting and cultural context, with unique character dynamics and a mysterious plot that keeps the audience engaged.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their reactions to the missing book add depth to the scene. The tension between them and their conflicting emotions enhance the overall narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and emotions, the scene primarily focuses on the external conflict of the missing book rather than significant internal character changes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to distance himself from any association with the missing book or the disappearance of his friends. He wants to maintain his reputation and avoid any suspicion.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the community's suspicions and find out the truth about the missing book and his friends' disappearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, stemming from the disappearance of the book and the ensuing accusations and suspicions among the characters. It creates a sense of urgency and unease.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the community grapples with the loss of a sacred book, leading to suspicions and tensions among the characters. The resolution of the mystery could have significant consequences for the community.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial plot point—the disappearance of the book—and setting the stage for further developments and revelations. It maintains the audience's interest and curiosity.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the plot and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around loyalty, trust, and responsibility. The protagonist must decide whether to protect his friends or prioritize the community's trust and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including anxiety, concern, and tension. The characters' conflicting feelings and the mysterious circumstances contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and drives the scene forward, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions. It effectively conveys the tension and unease present in the community.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious plot, tense atmosphere, and complex character relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to uncover the truth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a very strong hook - the discovery that Josh and Mark are missing. However, the scene then loses its momentum as the characters simply react to this information without much tension or conflict.
  • The dialogue between Sten, Arne, Christian, Dani, and Pelle feels expository and lacks the emotional weight it needs to be impactful. It reads like a lot of explaining rather than showing.
  • The scene relies too heavily on telling rather than showing. For example, we are told that Christian isn't concerned about Josh, but we don't see him act in a way that conveys his lack of concern.
  • The scene doesn't provide enough information about the missing book or the possible consequences of its disappearance. We are only told that other actions will be taken if it isn't returned, but we don't know what those actions might be.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and unsatisfying. It's unclear what Christian's next steps will be or what impact the missing book will have on the story.
  • The scene does a good job of establishing the sense of dread and suspicion that has been building throughout the story. However, it needs to be more compelling in terms of action and character development.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element. It could be improved by focusing on the characters' expressions, reactions, or the details of the farm setting.
Suggestions
  • Instead of simply announcing that Josh and Mark are missing, show their disappearance. Perhaps there are clues left behind, or someone saw them leave.
  • Focus on the emotional reactions of the characters to the missing book and the missing friends. Show their fear, confusion, or suspicion.
  • Add more tension and conflict to the scene. Perhaps there is a disagreement about who might have taken the book, or a suspicion that the missing friends are in danger.
  • Develop the character of Sten, the Elder. Show his authority, his wisdom, and his concern for the community.
  • Use more visual language to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and suspense. Focus on the details of the farm setting, the characters' expressions, or the way the light changes throughout the scene.
  • End the scene with a cliffhanger or a strong image that will leave the audience wanting more. For example, Christian could discover a clue about Josh's whereabouts, or a new threat could emerge.



Scene 31 -  The Dance of Defiance
90 EXT. FIELD - DAY 90
ECU of a BRIGHT YELLOW-GREEN PASTE. It’s being MASHED
vigorously in a bowl. The paste is made of ground-up flowers.
A fat SCOOP of the paste is dropped into a LARGE GLASS JUG
OF SPRING WATER (perched on a table). The paste is STIRRED
into the water.
A queue of WOMEN (between 16 and 45) has formed behind the
table. One by one, the women accept a CUP of the water. They
drink it (sometimes after nervous hesitation). In the BG is the
MAYPOLE.
Dani has joined the line. KARIN (whom she befriended
earlier) is in front of her.
DANI
Everybody knows what this is?
KARIN
Oh yes. This is the big one.
Karin smiles mischievously. Dani smiles skeptically back. They
arrive at the “water” table. Both are handed a cup.
DANI
It’s just water?
KARIN
Not just. It is for the
competition.
Karin gulps hers down, and then gestures “You now.” Dani
pauses, and then knocks it back. (Ulla and Maja watch closely
in the BG.)
KARIN (CONT’D)
(smiling)
Uh-oh!
She LAUGHS and HUGS Dani.
KARIN (CONT’D)
Here we go!
Dani looks very nervous.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 93

91 EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE LATER 91
Three CIRCLES OF WOMEN have formed around the Maypole. The
inside circle (of about 8 women) is surrounded by the middle
circle (about 15 women), which is surrounded by the largest,
outside circle (about 22 women).
The men, children and older women have gathered on the grass
to watch. IRMA stands with musicians (fiddler, key-harpist,
and floutist).
Dani stands in the middle circle. All the neighboring women
look very excited.
Dani looks down at the earth. At first everything looks
normal, but then she notices...GRASS has begun to sprout from
her shoes.
Dani looks up. Fuck. She’s tripping.
IRMA speaks up.
IRMA
Det var här, för länge sedan, som
den Mörke lurade Hårgas ung- dom ut
i gräset och förförde dem in i
dans. När de väl börjat kunde de
inte sluta, och de dansade sig till
döds. Nu, i livsbejakande trots mot
den Mörke, dansar vi tills vi
stupar. Hon som står ensam kvar på
slutet, kommer att krönas för sin
uthållighet.
Irma CLAPS her hands ONCE. The musicians play a long, sustained
NOTE. All of the women join hands and slowly dip to a cross-
legged BOW. The musical note dies. A brief moment of SILENCE,
and then...THE MUSIC BEGINS! (It is the song of the Hårgas.)
The women begin to DANCE. The inside circle dances in a chain
to the left. The middle circle to the right. The outside
circle to the left.
Dani stumbles as she finds her way into the dance. Once she
hits her stride, she smiles. Karin looks back at her and
LAUGHS good-naturedly. Dani laughs back!
Genres: ["Drama","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary A mysterious flower paste is consumed by women in preparation for a traditional Maypole dance. Dani, nervous about the paste's effects, witnesses grass growing from her shoes. Irma, a leader figure, explains the dance's history as a defiance of the Dark One, highlighting its dangerous nature. The women, united in their defiance, begin their energetic dance around the Maypole, symbolizing their resistance.
Strengths
  • Unique and unsettling rituals
  • Tense and mysterious tone
  • Emotional impact on characters and audience
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly impactful, setting a tense and mysterious tone while delving into the unsettling rituals of the Hårgas.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Maypole ritual, the competition with the drink, and the trippy dance all contribute to the scene's uniqueness and intrigue.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of the Hårgas rituals and the characters' reactions to them, adding depth and tension to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique cultural ritual and explores themes of belonging and acceptance in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the rituals reveal their personalities and deepen the audience's understanding of their motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience internal conflict and growth as they confront the unsettling rituals and their own fears.

Internal Goal: 8

Dani's internal goal in this scene is to overcome her nervousness and skepticism and fully participate in the ritual. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Dani's external goal is to successfully participate in the competition and ritual without standing out or making a mistake.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' discomfort with the rituals and the Hårgas' traditions creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Dani faces internal doubts and external pressure to participate in the ritual, creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present as the characters navigate dangerous and unfamiliar rituals that challenge their beliefs and values.

Story Forward: 8

The scene deepens the audience's understanding of the Hårgas culture and traditions while advancing the plot towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like the sprouting grass from Dani's shoes and her tripping experience, adding a sense of mystery and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Dani's initial skepticism and nervousness and the community's belief in the ritual's significance and power. This challenges Dani's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and sadness in the characters and the audience, heightening the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and reactions to the unsettling events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a mysterious and ritualistic world, building tension and curiosity around Dani's participation in the ritual.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of Dani fully participating in the ritual.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the ritual.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively builds tension and develops the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a strong sense of tension or excitement. The focus on the paste and the drinking of the water feels more procedural than dramatic.
  • The dialogue between Dani and Karin feels clunky and expositional. The scene could benefit from more organic dialogue that reveals character and builds anticipation.
  • The visual of grass sprouting from Dani's shoes is a good idea, but the execution feels overly literal and lacks subtlety. It's better to show, not tell, that Dani is tripping. A more gradual and subtle visual shift might be more effective.
  • The speech by Irma is an info dump, and it doesn't feel earned. It would be more effective to have the audience learn about the dance through the characters' actions and reactions, rather than through exposition.
  • The scene ends abruptly, lacking a sense of closure. The beginning of the dance is promising, but the scene doesn't fully engage with the implications of the drug-induced state.
  • The previous scene's ending leaves a lot of unresolved tension. The writer should find a way to connect this scene to the prior one more naturally.
  • The scene overall reads more like a play-by-play of events than a scene filled with tension and conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider a more subtle and visually evocative way to show that Dani is tripping. Instead of grass sprouting from her shoes, you could use shifting colors, distorted shapes, or a blurring of the world around her.
  • Instead of having Irma explain the history of the dance, try to show it through the characters' reactions and the atmosphere of the scene. Use visual cues and sound design to build suspense and tension.
  • Add conflict and tension to the scene. Could Dani be hesitant to dance, or is she struggling to control her anxieties? Could there be a moment of competition or rivalry between the women, even unconsciously?
  • Connect the beginning of the dance to the previous scene more strongly. Use a visual cue or a line of dialogue to bridge the gap.
  • Consider adding a visual element that reflects the internal state of Dani's mind, perhaps something unsettling and abstract, to reinforce the psychedelic nature of the experience. This could be done subtly.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. How does the dance affect Dani? What are her emotions as she begins to move? What is she seeing or feeling in her altered state?



Scene 32 -  Conflicted Loyalties
92 INT. SMALL WHITE HOUSE - SMALL ROOM - SIV’S HOUSE - SAME TIME 92
Christian sits in a small wooden chair in the empty LIVING
ROOM. The walls are completely covered in RUNIC MURAL ART.
Christian lingers on a particularly striking ILLUSTRATION
(painted in the wall’s center) in which a BEAR is being
BURNED ALIVE before several onlookers.
A door opens to reveal SIV.
SIV
Please. Come in.
Christian rises to follow Siv into the other room...
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 94


93 INT. SMALL WHITE HOUSE - LARGER ROOM - SIV’S HOUSE - 93
CONTINUOUS

A spare room. Two stools in the center. Siv takes a seat in
one of them. It becomes clear that Christian is also to sit.
He obliges.

Siv’s posture is perfect. Christian self-consciously corrects
his posture. A long silence, and then:

CHRISTIAN
I just need to say, I have no idea
where Josh went, and I can swear to
that on my mother’s life.

SIV
How do you feel about Maja?

Christian pauses. Siv is stone. She gives him nothing.

CHRISTIAN
About Maja?

Siv just waits.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
How do I feel about her how?

SIV
You have been approved to mate with
her. You’re an ideal astrological
match and she has fixed her hopes
on you.

CHRISTIAN
We haven’t even really spoken.

SIV
She fixed on you before you came.
Pelle showed her a photo.

CHRISTIAN
(pause)
I have someone here with me. I’m
with Dani.

SIV
Dani will not know. I am not
proposing marriage. You wouldn’t be
approved for that.

CHRISTIAN
So...you’re asking me to what?

SIV
I’m asking you if you care to mate
with Maja. It is a one-night offer.

CHRISTIAN
...She’s very beautiful.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 95
93 CONTINUED: 93

Pause.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
I think I ate one of her pubic
hairs.

SIV
That sounds probably right.

Beat. Christian doesn’t know what to say.

SIV (CONT’D)
From an academic perspective, it
would also provide a unique glimpse
into our sexual rites.

CHRISTIAN
Can I not have a unique glimpse
without participating?

Siv smiles at the silly question.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Can I think about it?

SIV
You can think about it right here.
Tonight is the time of alignment.
Then it’s done.

A long, conflicted pause.

CHRISTIAN
I don’t think I can.

SIV
(pause)
Is that your answer?

Christian hesitates. He’s very torn.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a small room adorned with unsettling runic murals, Christian grapples with the cultural expectations of mating with Maja, as presented by the composed Siv. Despite being approved for the union, Christian's loyalty to Dani leaves him hesitant and conflicted. The conversation reveals his discomfort with the ritual, culminating in his decision to decline the offer, highlighting his internal struggle and the tension between personal feelings and cultural obligations.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Exploring cultural practices
  • Creating conflict and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or unclear

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, introducing a new and unsettling element to the story while maintaining a sense of conflict and unease.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a one-night mating offer within the context of the Hårga community adds depth and intrigue to the narrative, highlighting the cultural practices and beliefs of the group.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the mating offer, creating conflict and tension between the characters and setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of arranged marriages and mating rituals, exploring the complexities of personal autonomy and cultural traditions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the offer reveal their inner conflicts and desires, adding complexity to their relationships and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Christian's internal struggle and moral dilemma in response to Siv's offer show a potential shift in his character, hinting at future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his feelings towards Maja and the pressure to mate with her despite his existing relationship with Dani. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and authenticity in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to decide whether to accept the offer to mate with Maja, despite his conflicting emotions and loyalty to Dani. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing tradition and personal desires.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Christian's moral dilemma and Siv's offer creates a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere, driving the scene forward and heightening the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing conflicting desires and societal pressure, creating a compelling obstacle for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the mating offer and Christian's moral dilemma add tension and urgency to the scene, increasing the risk for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a new plot element and raises the stakes for the characters, pushing the story forward and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's decision to mate with Maja is uncertain, creating tension and suspense for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional societal expectations and personal autonomy. The protagonist must navigate his own desires against the pressure to conform to cultural norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, tension, and conflict, eliciting emotional responses from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and unease of the situation, revealing the characters' conflicting emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a moral dilemma and internal conflict that resonates with the audience, drawing them into the protagonist's emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's dilemma.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and discomfort through the dialogue between Christian and Siv, highlighting the cultural differences and the pressure Christian feels regarding his relationship with Dani. However, the pacing could be improved; the long pauses between lines can feel drawn out and may detract from the urgency of the moment.
  • Christian's internal conflict is well-presented, but it could be deepened by providing more insight into his feelings for Dani versus Maja. A few lines reflecting on his emotional turmoil could enhance the stakes of his decision.
  • Siv's character is intriguing, but her motivations and the implications of her offer could be more explicitly stated. This would help the audience understand the cultural context and the weight of the decision Christian is facing.
  • The humor in Christian's line about eating a pubic hair adds a light moment to an otherwise tense scene, but it may feel out of place given the serious nature of the conversation. Balancing humor with the gravity of the situation is crucial to maintain the scene's tone.
  • The visual description of the room and the runic mural art is effective in setting the atmosphere, but it could be enhanced with more sensory details to immerse the audience further into the setting. For example, describing the smells or sounds of the environment could add depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to reduce the number of pauses, creating a more dynamic and engaging exchange between Christian and Siv.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or reflection from Christian to provide clarity on his feelings for both Dani and Maja, which would heighten the emotional stakes of his decision.
  • Clarify Siv's motivations and the significance of the mating ritual to give the audience a better understanding of the cultural implications of Christian's choice.
  • Evaluate the placement of humor in the scene; if it feels too jarring, consider removing or rephrasing the line about the pubic hair to maintain the scene's tension.
  • Enhance the sensory details of the setting to create a more immersive experience for the audience, helping them to feel the atmosphere of Siv's house and the weight of the conversation.



Scene 33 -  Maypole Mayhem
94 EXT. SMALL WHITE HOUSE - MINUTES LATER 94
Christian emerges from the house in a daze. We track back with
him. His eyes are fraught as he wrestles with the moral
quandary. But as he continues to walk/think, a vague SMILE
sneaks onto his face.
Christian looks ahead to see the DANCE COMPETITION in the
distance. He’s walking toward it.
95 EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE - SAME TIME 95
Dani is still engaged in dance, although it’s now the tree-
penis dance. It’s a dizzying spectacle, and the mounting
hallucinations are clearly taking their toll on the dancers.
The music STOPS abruptly, and everyone FREEZES.
IRMA
Vänd!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 96
95 CONTINUED: 95
Everybody runs to find new positions. Karin pulls Dani to a
new spot. The music now RESUMES and they all begin a new
dance, WEAVING IN AND OUT.
One woman STUMBLES to her knees, laughing. She is now
disqualified. She walks off to sit on the grass and watch.
Another WOMAN pulls out of the circle to RETCH nearby. She is
also disqualified.
Dani, who was having fun, is suddenly disturbed by the
retching sound. She feels sick for a second.
DANI
(thoughts turning)
Josh...?
Karin turns happily to Dani.
KARIN
Don’t slip!
Dani looks to her.
KARIN (CONT’D)
Can you holding on?!
Dani gets a second wind. She’s back.
Maja, who is dancing in the outside circle, sees CHRISTIAN
arriving. He joins the onlookers.
Maja decisively feigns COLLAPSE, opting out of the dance. She
stumbles over to the onlookers, affecting dizziness. She
glances over at Christian, smiling at him. He SMILES back. She
coyly sits a few people over. The electricity between them is
palpable.
The music STOPS abruptly again. All the dancers turn around,
switching hands. As the music starts again, one woman TOPPLES
to her side, bringing down two of her neighbors. She and one
other laugh; the third woman is furious.
95A EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE - LATER 95A
Many of the women have now been disqualified. Dani is still
in the running! She seems determined to stay alert and
compete. There are TEN remaining women; five run in one
direction and the other five run in the opposite direction,
weaving around each other.

Irma opens her arms swiftly and the musicians CEASE playing.
The dancing women STOP, and two of them collide. They fall to
the ground.
IRMA
Åtta!

The onlookers CLAP SILENTLY.

Karin turns to Dani, gives her a big HUG and KISSES HER ON
THE LIPS. Dani, startled, turns self-consciously to the
“clapping” onlookers. She sees CHRISTIAN. He isn’t paying
attention. Feeling Dani’s gaze, his eyes go to her. She
stares blankly. Taken aback, he gives her a SMILE. She
doesn’t smile back. She’s very much in the grip of the
psychedelics now.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 97
95 CONTINUED: 95
Dani’s HANDS are taken by women on either side of her. The
music STARTS and they commence dancing.

95B OMITTED 95B

95C EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE - MEANWHILE 95C
Christian sits among the onlookers. He is chilled by his
last encounter with Dani. Suddenly, he notices ULLA
(whom he met earlier) walking toward him. She arrives at
his feet, holding out the CUP of the flower-spiked
water.
ULLA
For you.
CHRISTIAN
What is it?
ULLA
Spring water with special
properties.
CHRISTIAN
(skeptical)
What’s it do?
ULLA
Breaks down your defenses and opens
you for the influence.
CHRISTIAN
...I’m worried I’ll have a bad
trip.
Christian looks back to Maja. She’s now looking directly at
him. Her eyes are languid, confident. She doesn’t break the
gaze.
Christian turns to Ulla, and accepts the water. He sips it.
Sips it again. KNOCKS it back.
Settling into the idea that he’s now going to hallucinate,
Christian looks back to the MAYPOLE. The women are still
dancing in a circle.

95D EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE - IN THE DANCING CIRCLE 95D
Dani’s eyes betray rising panic.
One woman (MAJVOR) says, as provocation:
MAJVOR
Om vi stannar nu, kommer allt
fortsätta snurra (runt)?
ULRIKA, the small woman we met earlier, replies:
ULRIKA
(laughing)
Tänk om vi skulle titta ner och det
var tusenfotingar överallt?

Ulrika laughs, and then looks down. As imagined, she sees the
ground as a squirming BLANKET OF CENTIPEDES. She SCREAMS in
horror, desperately FLEEING the circle.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 98
95D CONTINUED: 95D
Another woman has looked down to see the same thing. She also
SCREAMS, and runs off.
Dani looks down, panicked and confused. It’s just the earth
beneath her feet.
DANI
There’s nothing there.
Dani looks up. She laughs with relief, still confused.
KARIN
(smiling)
That’s right! Hold on to your
brain!

CUT HARD TO:

95Da INSERT: INGA’S FACE SLAMMING INTO POLE AFTER RUSHING TOWARD 95Da
IT WITH ASCENDING ARMS.

INSERT: WOMAN SPRAYING VOMIT INTO THE AIR.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Christian, torn by a moral dilemma, watches the chaotic maypole dance competition. The dancers, under the influence of hallucinogens, struggle to maintain their composure. Several women are disqualified as the effects take hold. Dani, initially enjoying the dance, begins to feel uneasy and sees a connection to Josh. Maja, intentionally feigning collapse, sits near Christian, who reciprocates her smile. Ulla offers Christian spiked water, which he accepts and drinks. The hallucinogens manifest, with a dancer seeing centipedes on the ground, but Dani remains unaffected. Despite the mounting chaos, Dani, with Karin's encouragement, manages to avoid the hallucinations and continues dancing, concluding the scene with a laugh as the other dancers dance under the drug's influence.
Strengths
  • Disturbing visuals
  • Escalating tension
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Hallucinatory elements
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in the hallucinatory sequences
  • Limited clarity on character motivations in certain interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of disturbing visuals, escalating tension, and mysterious elements that keep the audience on edge. The hallucinatory aspects add depth and complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Maypole dance as a hallucinatory experience, combined with the mysterious rituals and escalating tension, creates a unique and captivating scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the escalating tension, character interactions, and the revelation of hidden motives and conflicts. The scene sets up further intrigue and conflict within the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the hallucinogenic dance competition and the characters' reactions to the psychedelics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the rituals, their internal conflicts, and the dynamics between them add depth and tension to the scene. The evolving relationships and motives drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience internal conflicts, revelations, and shifts in their relationships during the scene. These changes add depth and complexity to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the moral quandary he is facing and come to a decision. This reflects his deeper need for clarity and resolution.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to interact with the other characters at the dance competition and potentially engage with the hallucinogenic elements. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, their internal struggles, and the escalating tension during the rituals create a high level of conflict that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that add to the uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the disturbing rituals, escalating tension, and the characters' internal and external conflicts. The scene sets up significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing hidden motives, escalating conflicts, and setting up future events. It deepens the mystery and intrigue of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters to the hallucinogenic effects and the shifting dynamics of the dance competition.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between reality and hallucination, as the characters grapple with the effects of the psychedelics on their perception of the world. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The disturbing visuals, character dynamics, and escalating tension evoke fear, suspense, and curiosity in the audience. The emotional impact is heightened by the hallucinatory elements and character reactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations. It adds to the tension and mystery of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the surreal elements, character interactions, and the sense of mystery surrounding the protagonist's decisions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the characters navigate the hallucinogenic dance competition.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Christian's internal conflict, which is interesting, but it feels a bit abrupt. We don't get a clear sense of what he's struggling with or why he's smiling, making his transition to the dance competition less impactful.
  • The description of the 'tree-penis dance' is jarring and doesn't contribute to the scene's overall tone or plot. It feels like an attempt at shock value that detracts from the narrative.
  • The scene's focus shifts too quickly between Dani and Christian, making it hard to follow. The constant back-and-forth between their perspectives creates a disjointed reading experience.
  • The disqualification of dancers feels repetitive and uninspired. The scene would be more engaging if the disqualifications had a more significant impact on the story or characters.
  • Dani's thoughts about Josh feel sudden and out of place. The scene would benefit from a more gradual build-up to her anxieties and connections to the missing characters.
  • The interactions between Maja and Christian feel forced and unconvincing. Their chemistry isn't established, and their brief exchange feels more like exposition than a genuine connection.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual descriptions and action, which can be effective but also feels a bit lacking in dialogue and character interaction. It would be more engaging to hear the characters' thoughts and reactions to the strange events unfolding around them.
  • The scene ends with a sudden cut to an insert of Inga's face slamming into a pole and a woman vomiting, which feels jarring and disorienting. It lacks a clear connection to the previous scene and doesn't contribute to the narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Instead of a vague smile, provide Christian with a more defined internal monologue or dialogue to better convey his inner conflict and the reasoning behind his decision to attend the dance competition.
  • Consider removing the 'tree-penis dance' description or finding a less graphic way to portray it. Focus on the visual and emotional aspects of the dance without resorting to shock value.
  • Choose a single point of view to focus on for a longer period, whether it be Dani or Christian. This will create a more cohesive and immersive reading experience.
  • Make the disqualifications of the dancers more consequential. Perhaps tie them to specific events, like a character's emotional breakdown or a revelation about the flower-spiked water.
  • Lead up to Dani's thoughts about Josh more gradually, revealing her anxieties and connections to the missing characters through subtle hints or interactions.
  • Develop a stronger relationship between Maja and Christian. Give them more dialogue and interactions to establish their chemistry and make their attraction more convincing.
  • Incorporate more dialogue and character interaction to reveal their inner thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the hallucinatory effects of the flower-spiked water.
  • Consider integrating the inserts of Inga and the woman vomiting into the scene's flow, either by showing the events happening in the background or through a character's perspective. This will make the transitions feel more natural and less jarring.



Scene 34 -  Dani's Coronation
95E EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE 95E

Now, only Dani and two other women are in the running. One of
these is Karin. The other is a good-natured brunette. They
each dance separately, no longer holding hands. The
brunette’s legs are clearly less stable than Dani’s or
Karin’s, and she is tired and stumbling.
Competition has been growing in Dani. She’s so close to
winning that she can now taste it.
Karin turns happily to Dani.
KARIN
Är du trött?
Dani, still dancing:
DANI
I don’t speak Swedish!
KARIN
(not understanding)
What?!
Dani repeats herself, but it comes out as:
DANI
Aewobeemeewish!
Karin, understanding, responds:
KARIN
Waweroobeeny!
DANI
(somehow understanding)
Aewabeeny-sa-aewonnerstabloo!
They are speaking complete gibberish, but they understand
each other perfectly. Dani is amazed.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 99
95E CONTINUED: 95E
DANI (CONT’D)
(excitedly remarking on
this)
Weerabbleeishcobleraymib!
Karin nods manically, agreeing with this.
KARIN
Blorishcobleraymib-wonnerstablee!
The Plump Woman suddenly TRIPS over one foot to fall CRASHING
to the ground. Karin (still facing Dani) TRIPS over the Plump
Woman. She COLLAPSES, laughing merrily on the way down.

Dani dances past the fallen women. She doesn’t immediately
realize that she’s just won the competition. She still looks
determined as she continues dancing manically around the
maypole.

95F EXT. FIELD - MAYPOLE - MINUTES LATER 95F
Cheering women rush over to congratulate Dani, but she
KEEPS DANCING in the circle, afraid that it’s a trick.
The women tug excitedly at Dani’s arms. They embrace her.
Dani decelerates, but does not cease dancing. Finally,
enough women have enfolded her. Her dancing feet slow to a
confused halt.
IRMA
Vi har (fått) vår Majdrottning!!
IRMA approaches with an immense, gorgeously crafted GARLAND
CROWN. She lays it on Dani’s head.
DANI
(hallucinating)
It’s over?
IRMA
You are our May Queen.
DANI
(confused)
Why? Me?
IRMA
You!
DANI
(suddenly scared)
What do you mean?!
ROSE PETALS are thrown by children. *
Dani, severely disoriented, is led aside by several women.
One woman wraps her in a sort of gown (composed only of
greenery and flora), and then she is directed to stand before
a gorgeous view of the field. Her distracted attention is
pointed to a MAN holding a large, old FILM CAMERA. He takes
Dani’s PHOTOGRAPH.
Dani looks for Christian, who stands among the Hårgans with a
baffled expression. Dani alights on him.
DANI (CONT’D)
What’s happening?!
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 100
95F CONTINUED: 95F
But Christian doesn’t understand it himself. He shakes his
head to say “I don’t know!”
DANI (CONT’D)
(pleadingly, to the
surrounding women)
What does this mean? What do I have
to do?
The women answer with hugs, warm smiles, and kisses on the
cheek. Their faces morph subtly (a product of the
psychedelics). Among the people who kiss her are her MOTHER
and FATHER and SISTER (Terri). She looks back for them, but
they have disappeared. A figment of her imagination?
Caught in the hallucination, Dani falls into a traumatized
daze. PELLE breaks the spell by giving Dani an enthusiastic
hug.
PELLE
Holy cow, you won! May Queen!
He gives her a blunt, passionate KISS on the lips. Before she
can react, Pelle is replaced by two new women, also kissing
and hugging her.
Dani is then led to a ROUND WOODEN PLANK (painted gold and
shaped like a cartoon SUN) with six long, protruding handles.
She is directed to STAND on it.
KARIN
Careful!
The handles are gripped by six men, and Dani is swiftly
HOISTED UP. She almost falls, but doesn’t. She is elevated
five feet above the ground as the crowd erupts into mirthful
SONG.
The song persists as Dani, still on her pedestal, is carried
across the field. All eyes are on her. Everyone follows her.
DANI
(searching)
Christian?!
But Christian has lagged to the back of the crowd. He looks
extremely conflicted. His eyes move to Maja, whose eyes are
TRAINED on him. She smiles widely, but her eyes are faded.
Christian slows to a stop as the procession continues.
Meanwhile, Dani’s confusion and fear is beginning to subside.
She looks down at the procession to see that these people are
indeed celebrating her. A few women even persist in throwing
rose petals up at her.
Dani, now calm, looks down to see that her FEET and LEGS have
assumed the GOLD color of the plank (like a chameleon).
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Dani, competing in a maypole dance, wins unexpectedly after another competitor stumbles and falls. Crowning her as May Queen, the women celebrate enthusiastically, leading Dani to feel a mix of confusion and surreal acceptance. While she is bewildered by the sudden attention, the scene ends with her being lifted onto a golden plank, her fear giving way to a sense of being celebrated.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Complex characters
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience due to hallucinatory elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of disturbing and celebratory elements that keep the audience on edge. The tension, conflict, and emotional impact are all well-executed.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a May Queen competition in a mysterious and eerie cult setting is intriguing and well-developed. The hallucinatory effects add depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the selection of the May Queen and the escalating tension between characters. The conflict and emotional turmoil drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements, such as the Maypole dance competition and the use of Swedish language. The interactions between characters are fresh and engaging, with a mix of humor and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and undergo significant emotional changes throughout the scene. Their relationships and conflicts add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Dani, who transitions from fear and confusion to acceptance and empowerment as the May Queen.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove herself and find a sense of belonging or acceptance. She is seeking validation and recognition for her efforts.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to win the May Queen competition and be crowned as the May Queen. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the competition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the internal conflicts they face, and the high stakes of the May Queen competition create a tense and engaging atmosphere.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in the competition and her own internal struggles. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Dani competes in the May Queen competition, faces internal and external conflicts, and navigates the complex dynamics of the cult.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the cult, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the competition, as well as the protagonist's internal struggles and revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of self-worth and identity. She is faced with the pressure to conform to the expectations of the community while also questioning her own beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and confusion to excitement and celebration. The characters' emotional journeys are central to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, drama, and suspense. The interactions between characters and the unfolding of the competition keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of the protagonist's crowning as the May Queen. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene's focus on gibberish dialogue feels unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the story. While the intent is likely to show the effect of the hallucinogens, it comes across as distracting and confusing.
  • The comedic elements of the Plump Woman and Karin tripping feel out of place in a scene with a growing sense of tension and strange rituals.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. Dani winning is anticlimactic, and her reactions feel less genuine due to the focus on the hallucinogenic aspect.
  • The sudden introduction of Dani's mother, father, and sister feels jarring and unexplained. It raises questions about their fates without offering any answers, which disrupts the narrative flow.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual cues to convey Dani's hallucinatory state, which makes it feel less engaging and more like a description than an active scene.
  • The scene feels rushed and lacking in emotional depth. Dani's journey from confusion to acceptance of being May Queen feels superficial and unengaging.
  • The ending, with Dani being hoisted onto the plank and carried away, lacks a sense of closure or a clear understanding of what's happening next. It leaves the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Focus on the psychological impact of the hallucinogens on Dani. Instead of gibberish dialogue, show how her perceptions are altered, perhaps through fragmented dialogue or visual distortions.
  • Create a genuine conflict for Dani during the competition. Perhaps she is hesitant to win, or she experiences internal conflict about the nature of the ritual.
  • Develop the visual aspect of the scene to create a more immersive and disturbing experience. Use lighting, camera angles, and sound to convey the disorienting effects of the hallucinogens.
  • Cut out the introduction of Dani's family members unless their presence has a clear narrative purpose. It's better to focus on the immediate conflict and Dani's journey within the scene.
  • Explore Dani's emotional response to being chosen as May Queen in a more nuanced way. Show her confusion, fear, and eventual acceptance with more depth and detail.
  • End the scene on a stronger note that leaves the audience with a sense of anticipation and intrigue. This could be a visual climax, a revealing dialogue, or a cliffhanger that sets up the next scene.



Scene 35 -  A Throne of Uncertainties
95G EXT. FIELD - DINING AREA - LATER 95G
The crowd arrives at today’s DINING AREA. In a LUSH
FIELD, the tabletops are made of MIRRORS, and they are
all queued up to form a long, straight line. At the
head of the table is a HUGE CHAIR (more like a throne)
adorned in lush greenery and bright flora.
Dani’s pedestal is set down. Members of the crowd step aside
to create a PATH for Dani’s trajectory (toward the throne).
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 101
95G CONTINUED: 95G
Dani takes a moment before stepping decisively onto the
GRASS.
When Dani’s FOOT touches the grass, small SUMMER FLOWERS
magically SPROUT UP around her foot. Her next step is the same.
Flowers emerge, impossibly, from the soil. She continues to walk
forward, having now assumed a more self-possessed posture.
Confidence is rising in her, and with every step, more flowers
sprout up. She’s leaving a beautiful trail of wild flowers in
her wake.
Dani STOPS at the throne. Everyone now finds their way to their
seats, but no one sits. They look to her. She looks momentarily
confused, but then understands. She SITS. Now everyone may sit.
Dani admires her green throne. The greenery/flora subtly
SWELLS and DEFLATES (as we saw before, with the mushroom
trip).
SERVERS appear with plates. Dani is the first person to
receive food and drink. Her tableware is much finer than the
rest.

Looking down at her food, Dani suddenly catches her
reflection in the tabletop mirror. Her face looks wrong. She
quickly LOOKS AWAY.
Before long, everyone has food in front of them. They sit
with their hands on their laps, present. They WAIT for Dani.
Dani picks up her FORK. She looks back to the rest of the
table. They all look back at her with patience. She then
looks down and PIERCES her food with the fork. (The sound of
the piercing is heightened.) Dani takes a BITE. Now everyone
may begin eating.
Dani looks down the length of the extended table. She alights
on CHRISTIAN, who isn’t eating. He looks very disturbed,
clearly suffering a bad trip. He looks in Dani’s direction.
They LOCK EYES, but communicate nothing to each other. They
are both lost in confusion, but they don’t share in this. If
anything, they look SCARED of each other.
This moment is broken by a SERVER arriving at Dani’s side. He
presents her with a SALT HERRING. The community sees this and
laughs, knowing what’s in store.
DANI
For what?
STEN explains:
STEN
You must eat it whole, but the tail
going first.
DANI
(sincerely frightened)
What? I can’t. That’s too big.
STEN
(chuckle)
No no - you must try.
Christian, tripping heavily, turns to a LARGE MAN to his
side.
CHRISTIAN
How much is happening right now?
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 102
95G CONTINUED: 95G
Inexplicably, the Large Man CLAPS in Christian’s face. This
sends Christian on an intense downward spiral.
CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
(almost inaudible)
Why did you do that?
The Large Man’s attention is now on Dani, whose head is
tilted back as she tries to eat the herring whole (tail
first). Sten holds it above her, feeding it into her mouth.
Dani takes half of the herring into her mouth, starts to
chew, and then coughs out the rest. This elicits ecstatic
APPLAUSE. Dani, unnerved at first, lets out a childlike
LAUGH.
STEN
A word from the May Queen!

BLONDE WOMAN DIFFERENT HARGANS
Yes! Speech! Speech!
IRMA
Stand! Stand!
Dani is urged to stand up. She does so, clearly hallucinating
intensely. The silence hangs heavily.
DANI
...I don’t know if this is real, or
what’s happening, but - thank you.
Dani lets this hang. A brief awkward pause, and then:
ARNE
To the May Queen!
(raises his aquavit)
Skål!!
EVERYONE
Skål!!
Everyone drinks to that. One Hårgan Woman turns to Dani
(who’s sitting back down) to excitedly say:
HÅRGAN WOMAN
You are the family now! Yes?
Dani nods, unsure. The woman nods manically.
HÅRGAN WOMAN (CONT’D)
Yes! Yes! You are the family!
The Woman rubs Dani’s arm, smiling warmly (and aggressively).
PELLE, we reveal, is composing a drawing of Dani in her throne.
Christian’s expression is SOUR. He turns to notice that MAJA is
looking at him. Taken aback, Christian’s expression slowly
SOFTENS (in a slack-jawed, lust-stricken way). Maja is clearly
“in heat.” Holding Christian’s gaze, she RISES from her seat (as
if in slow-motion) and begins to walk sensually off. Christian
watches her go. She passes SIV, whose eyes are also trained on
Christian.
Maja continues toward the TEMPLE, glancing back at Christian
to confirm that he’s still watching her. DANI notices this,
despite the fact that everyone is competing for her
attention.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 103
95G CONTINUED: 95G
Dani looks to Christian. He stares dumbly at the table, lost in
conflict.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Dani is celebrated as she is ushered towards a throne at a lavishly decorated dining area. Magic blooms at her feet as she walks, signifying her growing confidence. However, she struggles to eat a large herring, and while she tries to embrace her new role, her speech is a mix of confusion and gratitude. Meanwhile, Christian remains distracted, drawn to another woman, Maja, showcasing a growing rift between him and Dani. The scene ends with Dani noticing Christian's distracted gaze towards Maja, leaving the future of their relationship uncertain.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Engaging conflict
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too disturbing for sensitive viewers
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced in certain parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of disturbing and hallucinatory elements that create a tense and eerie atmosphere. The conflict between characters adds depth to the narrative, and the unique cultural traditions depicted make it intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the May Queen's coronation, combined with hallucinatory effects and ritualistic elements, is innovative and captivating. It adds depth to the story and showcases the unique cultural practices of the Hårgan community.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the May Queen coronation serving as a significant event that drives the narrative forward. The conflict between characters and the hallucinatory effects add layers to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of a ritualistic dinner in a surreal setting, with elements of magic and mystery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with Dani's transformation into the May Queen and Christian's internal conflict standing out. The interactions between the characters add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Dani undergoes a significant transformation as she becomes the May Queen, showcasing her growth and resilience. Christian's internal conflict and the interactions between the characters also lead to changes in their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Dani's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the confusing and unsettling situation she finds herself in, while also trying to maintain a sense of control and composure. This reflects her deeper need for stability and understanding in a world that is unfamiliar and unpredictable.

External Goal: 7

Dani's external goal is to participate in the ritualistic dinner and follow the customs of the community she is visiting. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a new culture and social norms.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the internal struggles they face, and the high stakes of the May Queen coronation contribute to a high level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising between characters and challenging the protagonist's beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the May Queen coronation, the conflicts between characters, and the cultural significance of the rituals raise the stakes in the scene, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Dani's coronation as the May Queen, highlighting the cultural traditions of the Hårgan community, and deepening the conflicts between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the surreal elements introduced throughout.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Dani's own values and beliefs and the traditions and expectations of the Hårgan community. This challenges Dani's understanding of herself and her place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, tension, and excitement, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience. Dani's transformation and the conflicts between characters add depth to the emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and confusion present in the scene. It also highlights the cultural differences and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its surreal and mysterious atmosphere, the development of the protagonist's internal and external goals, and the tension between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with moments of quiet reflection and intense action balanced throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment of revelation and realization for the protagonist.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit rushed and doesn't fully capture the weight of Dani's new position as May Queen. While the visual elements of the throne and the flowers are interesting, the overall impact is underwhelming.
  • The herring scene feels like a forced comedic moment that doesn't fit the overall tone of the script. It feels out of place and doesn't add anything meaningful to Dani's character development.
  • The reaction to Dani's herring struggle feels exaggerated and out of place. It takes away from the potential impact of Dani's newfound power and authority.
  • Christian's reaction to the hallucinogenic effects is confusing. It's not clear what's happening to him or why he's reacting this way. This ambiguity detracts from the scene's impact.
  • Maja's sudden appearance and flirtation with Christian feel jarring and unnecessary. This subplot feels forced and doesn't contribute much to the story.
  • The scene ends abruptly and doesn't fully explore Dani's feelings and thoughts as the new May Queen. The potential for a more introspective moment is missed.
Suggestions
  • Focus on Dani's internal struggle as she grapples with her new position. Explore her anxieties and uncertainties, highlighting the power and responsibility that come with being the May Queen.
  • Rethink the herring scene. Is it truly necessary? If so, find a way to make it more integrated with the overall tone and theme of the script.
  • Develop Christian's hallucination scene further. What is he seeing? What does it mean to him? This could be a chance to delve deeper into his character and his relationship with Dani.
  • Consider removing or restructuring the Maja subplot. It distracts from the main focus of the scene and doesn't contribute much to the overall narrative.
  • End the scene with Dani reflecting on her new position and the responsibilities that come with it. This could lead to a more impactful and thought-provoking moment.
  • Consider exploring the visual elements of the scene more fully. The mirrored tabletops and the magical flowers are interesting but not fully exploited.
  • Incorporate more of the Hårgan culture and rituals into the scene. This would add depth and richness to the setting and further immerse the audience in the world of the story.



Scene 36 -  The May Queen's Departure
95H EXT. FIELD - DINING AREA - MINUTES LATER 95H
Everyone is finished (although there’s a smaller number of
women at the table now). Siv RISES. All eyes go respectfully
to her.
SIV
Now it is traditional for the May
Queen to bless our crops and
livestock. And after the luck you
just inherited from that salt
herring, we should all be doubly
encouraged.
Laughter all around.
Siv gestures in the direction of a CARRIAGE, just beyond the
tables. Its back sports TWO UNLIT TORCHES. Several girls (six *
to pull the carriage and six to accompany it) surround it. *
One GIRL scatters flowers to create a PATH between Dani and *
the carriage. Dani RISES. Everyone else stands up, too.
DANI
Can Christian come with me?
SIV
No. The Queen must ride alone.
Dani pauses to accept this. She steps onto the floral path and
approaches the carriage. On the way, Hanna offers her a LONG, *
FLAMING STICK. Dani accepts it. Hanna motions to the carriage’s *
unlit torches.
Dani walks to the carriage, extends the stick’s flame toward
the torches, and sets them each AFIRE.
Hanna takes the stick back from Dani, and gestures for her to *
enter the carriage. A TRADITIONALLY DRESSED MAN stands beside
the carriage door. He hands Dani a VIAL OF HOLY SPRING WATER,
and offers Dani his hand (for support) as she contemplates
entering.
TRADITIONALLY DRESSED MAN
Your majesty.
Dani accepts his supportive hand as she climbs into the
carriage.
96 INT. CARRIAGE - CONTINUOUS 96
Dani takes a seat.
Outside, several YOUNG WOMEN (including HANNA) have gathered
in front of the carriage. They each take hold of RODS,
prepared to pull the carriage.
A few other women have gathered to the sides of the carriage.
Two - one on either side - hold juniper boughs and unlit *
torches. They IGNITE their torches by the fire of the *
carriage torches. *
97 EXT. DINING AREA - SAME TIME 97
Most of the community remains standing at the dining tables.
They WATCH as the women pull the carriage away.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 104
97 CONTINUED: 97

Christian watches, too. Guilt-ridden. He then looks to the *
temple. A GIRL has begun scattering flowers to create a NEW *
PATH. This is between Christian and the TEMPLE. *
98 INT. CARRIAGE (MOVING) - MOMENTS LATER 98
Dani looks out the window as the carriage is pulled through
the WHEAT FIELDS. The accompanying women WAVE their torches
about and cast away dark spirits. *
99 EXT. FIELD - SAME TIME 99
The girl finishes the flower path, ending at Christian’s *
feet. All eyes are now on him. *
Christian, frozen for a moment, RISES. He takes one abrupt
step forward, and then continues warily toward the Temple.
100 INT. TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS 100

Christian enters the foyer of the temple. The temple doors
are closed and muffled humming is heard from within. MATS, *
dressed in ceremonial dress, stands in waiting. He hands
Christian a WHITE GOWN.
MATS
Put this.
The man gestures to a MODESTY PANEL in the corner (behind
which Christian can disrobe). *
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary After a communal meal, Dani is chosen as the May Queen and prepared for a blessing ceremony. She is escorted to a carriage by women who light torches and give her holy spring water. Christian, left behind, is visibly conflicted as he watches Dani depart. He is then guided by a girl scattering flowers to a temple where he is met by Mats and given a white gown.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Intriguing rituals
  • Complex characters
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be sharper
  • Some plot elements need further development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of horror, drama, and mystery to create a tense and emotional atmosphere. The surreal rituals and character dynamics keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the May Queen ceremony, the hallucinatory dance competition, and the mysterious disappearance of characters are intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the disappearance of characters, the May Queen ceremony, and the conflicting emotions between the main characters. However, some elements could be further developed.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural elements and rituals, providing a fresh perspective on traditional ceremonies. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity, especially Dani and Christian. Their conflicting emotions and decisions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Dani undergoes a significant transformation from fear and discomfort to acceptance and empowerment as the May Queen. Christian's internal conflict is also highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the traditions and expectations of the community while dealing with her own emotions and desires.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to fulfill her role as the May Queen and carry out the ceremonial duties assigned to her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the mysterious disappearances, and the emotional turmoil create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene adds conflict and complexity to the protagonist's journey, creating obstacles for her to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the mysterious disappearances, the ritualistic ceremonies, and the emotional conflicts between the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the Hårgas traditions, the characters' relationships, and the escalating tensions within the community.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected choices and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between individual desires and community expectations evident in this scene. The protagonist must balance her own wishes with the traditions of the community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, guilt, and gratitude, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions between the characters. It could be more impactful with sharper exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspense and tension surrounding the protagonist's actions and decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a ceremonial event in a screenplay, with clear descriptions of actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks tension. The transition from the communal meal to the May Queen's blessing ceremony feels abrupt. There's not much emotional buildup or conflict to drive the scene forward.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth and emotional impact. The lines spoken by Siv and the Traditionally Dressed Man feel too expository and lack personality.
  • The actions of Dani and Christian feel passive. Dani simply accepts her fate as the May Queen without much resistance. Christian watches from the sidelines, his inner turmoil only implied through action tags.
  • The scene relies heavily on action tags to convey the mood and atmosphere. The writer needs to show more through the dialogue and actions of the characters.
  • The scene doesn't contribute much to the overall plot. It simply moves Dani towards her next ritualistic role, leaving Christian behind with a sense of guilt and uncertainty.
  • The scene feels like a set-up for the next scene rather than a fully realized moment in the story. It lacks a clear beginning, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution.
Suggestions
  • Explore Dani's internal conflict before she accepts the May Queen role. Does she feel pressured? Excited? Fearful? Her internal monologue could add a layer of complexity.
  • Give Christian a more active role. He could try to intervene, express his love for Dani, or confront her about his feelings. This would add tension and conflict to the scene.
  • Develop the dialogue. Give Siv and the Traditionally Dressed Man more unique voices. Explore Dani's reaction to the Holy Spring Water. What does it symbolize for her?
  • Focus on the visual details. Use the setting to build a more immersive and atmospheric experience. Describe the light, the sounds, the smells, and the textures. Make the reader feel the ritual.
  • Consider a moment of conflict between Dani and Christian. Perhaps Dani expresses her frustration at being separated from Christian or Christian tries to stop her from entering the carriage.
  • Expand on the scene's ending. Show Christian's guilt and uncertainty more directly. What is he thinking and feeling as he walks toward the temple?
  • Consider adding a sub-plot or character interaction that adds another layer of complexity and intrigue to the scene.



Scene 37 -  Rituals of the Unseen
101 EXT. WHEAT FIELD - SAME TIME 101
The women pulling the carriage have slowed to a STOP. Dani
is directed by Hanna to step out. Hanna holds the flaming *
torch over a small HOLE in the ground. Dani is instructed *
to hold the torch by its handle (just above where Hanna *
grips it). Hanna now affects perfect posture. Dani *
instinctively mimics this. *
Three women - each holding a sack of GRAIN, a raw STEAK, and *
an EGG - approach the hole. One pours grain into the hole, *
the other drops the steak over the grain, and the last woman *
cracks the egg into it. The hole is then COVERED UP with *
soil. *
HANNA
Repeat now after me.

Dani and Hanna are looking directly into each other’s eyes.
Hanna begins to SING very slowly, enunciating very carefully,
and Dani SINGS ALONG (quite well). They circle the hole with *
the torch held in the center. The surrounding women dance. *
102 INT. TEMPLE - FOYER - SAME TIME 102
Christian has changed into the WHITE GOWN. He steps nervously
out from behind the modesty panel.
CHRISTIAN
What now?
Mats now turns to a MAN WITH HAIR COVERING HIS FACE (looking
like the back of a head). He hands Mats a STONE POT. Mats now
turns to raise the pot toward Christian’s face. Christian
looks very unnerved by the man whose face is covered in hair.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 105
102 CONTINUED: 102
MATS
Breathe in.

Mats lifts off the lid to release a WAVE OF STEAM. Christian
looks to Mats, wary.

MATS (CONT’D)
For your vitality.
Reluctantly, Christian BREATHES IN the vapors and his eyes
begin to cloud over. He EXHALES heavily (coughing the last
bit out). He’s already feeling the effects. His breathing
becomes shallow and his legs start to wobble.
The Man Whose Hair Envelops His Face now OPENS THE DOORS to
the temple. Quiet humming is heard from inside.
103 INT. TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS 103
It is dark, save for several burning candles.
In the center of the room, lying on a lush bed of freshly cut
birch twigs and WILD FLOWERS, is MAJA. She is NUDE, lying on
her back, legs together.
Several OLDER WOMEN, mostly in their 30s and 40s (some in
their 50s and 60s), stand at the back of the room. They are
also NUDE. The humming comes from them.
Christian is too stoned to react. He regards the room as he
would a dreamscape.
The humming starts to build as the women SING in the Hårgas’
wordless, groaning, microtonal tradition.

Maja tilts her head and her eyes move toward the front
door...at Christian.
One Woman now steps up to draw Christian’s gown OFF of his
shoulders. He is fluidly DISROBED. Now standing naked, he is
directed towards Maja, who waits nervously.
Christian seems to LEVITATE six inches off the ground and
then FLOATS gently across the room (clearly a product of the
escalating hallucination). As he approaches Maja, the
singing intensifies. Maja’s LEGS timidly PART. Christian,
approaching swiftly, looks down at her. Her eyes are closed
as she waits to be taken. The singing rises to an operatic
pitch.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a mystical and unsettling scene, women perform a ritualistic offering in a wheat field, burying grain, a raw steak, and an egg while chanting. Simultaneously, Christian, dressed in a white gown, is given a stone pot by Mats inside a dark temple, where he inhales vapors that induce a hallucinatory state. The Man With Hair Covering His Face opens the temple doors, revealing Maja lying nude among chanting women. The scene culminates with a dazed Christian entering the temple, drawn into the eerie atmosphere of the rituals.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Innovative concept
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Some elements may be too disturbing for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a mix of disturbing elements, tension, emotional depth, and character conflict. It effectively sets up a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the May Queen ceremony and the hallucinatory experience Christian undergoes are innovative and unique, adding depth to the narrative and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the crowning of Dani as the May Queen and the escalating tension between characters, particularly Christian and Maja.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and unsettling rituals, as well as a sense of mystery and unease. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the eerie atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dani and Christian, undergo significant emotional and psychological changes in this scene, adding layers to their development and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Both Dani and Christian undergo significant emotional and psychological changes in this scene, particularly in their relationship dynamics and personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his fears and insecurities, as he is put in a vulnerable and unfamiliar situation. He must navigate the ritualistic practices and face his own discomfort and unease.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the ritual and follow the instructions given to him, despite his apprehension and confusion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, particularly Christian and Dani, is intense and drives the emotional and narrative tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with unfamiliar and potentially dangerous rituals that challenge his beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters face internal and external conflicts, emotional turmoil, and significant personal challenges.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key character dynamics, conflicts, and plot developments, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces strange and unsettling rituals, as well as unexpected twists in the protagonist's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's beliefs and values being challenged by the unfamiliar and potentially dangerous practices of the cult-like community. It forces him to question his own beliefs and confront his fears.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with a mix of fear, confusion, gratitude, and conflict evoked in the characters and audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the tension and emotional turmoil of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery and tension, drawing the audience into the protagonist's internal struggles and the unsettling rituals of the cult-like community.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued by the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the eerie atmosphere and tension.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks a clear focus. It jumps between two locations, with the wheat field ritual feeling abrupt and lacking in emotional weight. The ritual itself seems generic and symbolic, lacking a concrete connection to the story's themes.
  • The transition to the temple is jarring. There's no clear connection established between the two scenes, making the shift feel abrupt and disorienting.
  • The dialogue in the temple scene feels stilted and expository. The explanation about the steam and its effect on Christian feels unnecessary and slows down the scene.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual descriptions, potentially overshadowing the emotional impact. The narration of the women's nudity and their humming feels like it could be better conveyed through character interactions and dialogue.
  • The scene focuses heavily on Christian's hallucinations, but it doesn't effectively explore the psychological impact or the significance of the hallucinogens. It's unclear what the purpose of these hallucinations is for the story.
  • The ending of the scene feels unearned and lacks dramatic tension. Christian's floating and the women's rising singing don't contribute much to the narrative and feel more like spectacle than meaningful storytelling.
  • The scene lacks clear internal conflict. While Christian is shown to be uncomfortable and confused, we don't see him struggle with his choices or his emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider combining the two locations into a single scene, emphasizing the connection between Dani's ritual and Christian's experience in the temple.
  • Explore the themes of sacrifice, community, and control within the wheat field ritual. Show how Dani's actions are significant for the story's overall themes.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the ritual for Dani. Show her struggle, her internal conflict, and her relationship with Hanna.
  • Develop the character of the Man with Hair Covering His Face. Give him a more active role and explore his connection to the temple and the ritual.
  • Instead of relying heavily on visual descriptions, focus on dialogue and character interactions to convey the atmosphere of the temple scene.
  • Consider weaving the hallucinogens into the narrative's themes. Explore the way they affect Christian's perception and his choices.
  • Create a stronger sense of conflict for Christian. Show his inner turmoil, his struggle between desire and morality, and the consequences of his choices.



Scene 38 -  Twilight Descent
104 EXT. CATTLE HOUSE - SAME TIME 104
The sun is less intense now. It is nearing twilight.
The carriage rests near the barn. Dani, holding a torch, *
proceeds to bless the livestock. Hanna sings.
105 INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME 105
Christian has descended to his knees. He sits between Maja’s
legs, preparing himself. He looks extremely intoxicated.
Maja’s eyes are squeezed shut as she anticipates what’s coming.
Christian awkwardly leans down to gently KISS her lips. Without
opening her eyes, she kisses back - slowly, sensually. The
singing rises and falls (out of harmony) with trembling
impatience.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 106
105 CONTINUED: 105
Christian gently presses himself into Maja. Her mouth opens
in anticipation. He ENTERS her. Overwhelmed, Maja digs her
nails into his back. Her eyes well with tears. Christian
looks unsettled, but he continues...
Christian is now MAKING LOVE to Maja, very slowly - almost
robotically. She lies motionless, mouth agape. She doesn’t
move a muscle, nor does she make a sound, but her expression
is one of total, paralyzed ECSTASY. The singing has now
HARMONIZED.
The Older Women watch this with rapt attention. They are clearly
aroused. The lovemaking is dreamily slow. The singing rises
steadily. Delayed percussion accompanies each heavy, lagging
THRUST.
Maja looks back at one of the women. It is ULRIKA. She smiles
tenderly at her. This would be touching if it weren’t so
weird. Maja offers Ulrika her HAND, and Ulrika supportively
takes it into her hands. Ulrika lovingly presses her CHEEK
against Maja’s open palm, CARESSING her face.

Maja MOANS. The women all MOAN in sympathy. (They have taken *
to rubbing their breasts.)

In the far corner, we reveal, Ruben is finger-painting on the
pages of the Rubi Radr. He is inspired.
106 EXT. FARMSTEAD - MOMENTS LATER 106
The carriage has returned to the farmstead. Dani steps uneasily
out of the wagon, still under the warping influence of the
hallucinogen. The SINGING/MOANING is heard faintly from the
Temple.
HANNA
We shall go now to Siv’s house.
DANI
What’s there?
HANNA
It is a special meeting, only for
the Queens. She will bless you.
The distant singing persists. Dani looks to the Temple. She
seems DRAWN to it.
DANI
What about there?
HANNA
Not for us.
Dani, attracted/worried by the singing/moaning, takes a few
steps toward the Temple. The young women look very
concerned. Hanna steps up to STAND IN DANI’S WAY.
HANNA (CONT’D)
I think you should not.
DANI
...Why?
Hanna is not convincing when she says:
HANNA
It is a ceremony for the men.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 107
106 CONTINUED: 106
Dani is now very suspicious. Her expression begs “What is it
really?” Hanna’s expression says that it’s something that
would hurt Dani. Hanna’s expression pleads: “Don’t go inside.
For your own sake.”
Dani’s eyes NARROW with paranoia. Now she must enter. She
PUSHES ahead. The women remain where they are, very worried.
107 INT. TEMPLE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS 107
Dani enters the foyer of the temple. Beyond the closed doors,
the singing/moaning has reached an operatic intensity.
Dani takes a moment to gather herself, and then she bends
down to peer through the door’s KEYHOLE.
Through the keyhole, Dani sees Christian’s BACK as he “makes
love” to Maja. The surrounding women have fallen deeper into
their trance. They are all HOLDING THEIR BREASTS. With every
one of Christian’s thrusts, the women PUMP THEIR BREASTS WITH
THEIR HANDS - moaning in tandem with Maya. Dani’s eyes go
WIDE with horror.
Stunned, Dani backs away from the keyhole. She suddenly
doubles over and RETCHES. She rushes out of the temple.
108 EXT. TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS 108
Dani runs outside. She VOMITS onto the grass. She’s in a
state of shock. Her breathing is shallow and she looks
anxiously around, as if confused as to her whereabouts.
The young women rush over to Dani. They surround her,
touching her, rubbing her. Dani CAN’T BREATHE. She’s
panicking.
Hanna directs the women to LEAD Dani to the Main House. They
all hurriedly guide her in that direction.
109 INT. MAIN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 109
The young women usher Dani to her bed. They sit her down,
gathering intimately around her. Dani struggles increasingly
to breathe.
Hanna HOLDS Dani’s FACE in her hands. She locks eyes with
Dani and affects DEEP BREATHING. Dani’s eyes, unwilling to
settle at first, gradually become FIXED to Hanna’s. Hanna
continues to affect deep, measured breathing. Dani struggles
to follow her. Her breathing trembles to meet Hanna’s
example.
Finally, Dani BREAKS DOWN into tears. Everything she’s
bottled up, all the emotions that she’s labored to stifle -
it all comes BURSTING out. She falls into deep, anguished
SOBS.
Still locked onto Dani’s gaze, Hanna also breaks down. She
SOBS DEEPLY along with Dani. They are sympathetically
connected. It’s remarkable, and very unsettling.
The surrounding women have also started CRYING, although not
as intensely as Hanna, who has absolutely fixed herself to
Dani. The crying is infectious, and the deeper they go, the
greater the outpour.
It has become a circle of hysterical, weeping women. They
moan and scream and cry. It’s positively TRIBAL.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 108
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary As twilight falls, Dani blesses the livestock while Christian, heavily intoxicated, engages in a disturbing sexual act with Maja inside a temple, surrounded by older women in a trance. Drawn by the unsettling sounds, Dani peeks through a keyhole and is horrified by the scene, leading her to vomit outside. Overcome with panic and grief, she is guided by young women to the main house, where she breaks down in tears, prompting a collective emotional release among the women.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Visual imagery
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain elements may be too disturbing for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, combining elements of horror, drama, and mystery to create a tense and emotional atmosphere. The shocking revelations and intense emotional breakdown of the main character contribute to the scene's high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of ritualistic ceremonies, hallucinatory effects, and the revelation of disturbing practices within the community are executed effectively, adding depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of events that reveal the dark and mysterious nature of the community, leading to a climax of emotional turmoil and shocking revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unsettling take on cult-like rituals and explores themes of power, control, and gender dynamics in a unique and provocative way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and interactions drive the emotional impact of the scene, with Dani's transformation and Christian's moral dilemma adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Dani undergoes a significant transformation, from feeling uncomfortable and scared to experiencing a deep emotional breakdown and revelation. This change is crucial to the scene's impact.

Internal Goal: 9

Dani's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious ceremony and to confront her suspicions and fears. This reflects her deeper need for understanding, validation, and a sense of control in a situation that is increasingly unsettling and confusing.

External Goal: 8

Dani's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and expectations of the community, particularly in relation to the ceremony and her role within it. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in trying to fit in while also questioning the practices of the group.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the community's dark practices, and the internal struggles of the main characters create a high level of tension and suspense throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dani facing internal doubts and external pressures that challenge her beliefs, values, and sense of self. The uncertainty and tension create a sense of unease and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the dark and disturbing practices of the community, the emotional turmoil of the characters, and the shocking revelations that threaten their sense of safety and belonging.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the community and the characters, setting the stage for further developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations, challenges assumptions, and leads the audience on a journey of discovery and revelation. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience on edge and engaged with the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Dani's personal values of autonomy, agency, and truth-seeking, and the community's values of tradition, conformity, and submission to authority. This challenges Dani's beliefs about trust, belonging, and the nature of power dynamics within a group.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, with Dani's breakdown and the shocking revelations evoking fear, confusion, and sadness in the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to convey information and emotions effectively, but the strength of the scene lies more in the visual and emotional elements rather than the dialogue itself.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and intrigue, draws the audience into the characters' emotional journey, and builds towards a powerful and cathartic moment of revelation and release.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension, suspense, and emotional intensity, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic moment of revelation and release. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal struggles and external conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the narrative. The use of visual cues and sensory details adds depth and texture to the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic moment of revelation and emotional release. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal struggles and external conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a promising juxtaposition of Dani's blessing ceremony and Christian's ritualistic sex act, setting up a potential exploration of contrasting forces or a sense of disconnection. However, the scene's execution falls short of its initial promise.
  • The descriptions of Christian's actions are overly detailed and graphic, bordering on gratuitous. The excessive focus on the physical act detracts from the emotional and psychological impact of the ritual and Christian's state of intoxication.
  • The scene feels emotionally flat. Despite the potentially disturbing nature of the ritual, there's a lack of tension, suspense, or internal conflict within Christian or the surrounding women. The lack of emotional depth makes the scene feel more like a clinical observation than a compelling narrative moment.
  • The women's participation in the ritual feels more like voyeuristic spectators than active participants. Their moans and breast-rubbing lack any real emotional resonance or connection to the scene's central theme.
  • The introduction of Ruben finger-painting in the corner feels jarring and out of place. It disrupts the flow of the scene and adds a layer of randomness that undermines the scene's overall impact.
  • The shift from the temple to the farmstead feels abrupt and lacks a clear transition. This abruptness disrupts the flow of the narrative and weakens the connection between the two scenes.
  • The dialogue between Dani and Hanna feels stilted and unconvincing. Hanna's explanations about the ceremony lack any real depth or insight, and her warnings about Dani's well-being feel more like a plot device than a genuine concern.
  • Dani's suspicions about the ceremony and her eventual decision to peek through the keyhole feel contrived. The scene lacks the necessary build-up of tension and suspense to justify her actions.
  • The scene ends with Dani's vomiting and the women's collective crying, which lacks a sense of closure or dramatic impact. The emotional response feels manufactured rather than organically earned.
  • Overall, the scene suffers from a lack of focus, emotional depth, and compelling character development. The excessive reliance on physical descriptions and the disjointed pacing undermine the potential for a truly impactful and disturbing scene.
Suggestions
  • Focus on the emotional and psychological impact of the ritual rather than graphic details. Explore Christian's internal struggle with his intoxication and the implications of his actions. Show the women's participation in the ritual in a more nuanced and engaging way.
  • Create a sense of tension and suspense leading up to Dani's decision to peek through the keyhole. Explore her internal conflict and the reasons for her growing suspicion.
  • Develop the dialogue between Dani and Hanna to be more nuanced and believable. Explore Hanna's motivations and her genuine concern for Dani's well-being.
  • Explore the emotional ramifications of Dani's discovery. Show her sense of betrayal, confusion, and disgust. Allow her to react in a more complex and relatable way.
  • Consider removing the scene with Ruben finger-painting. It doesn't contribute to the overall narrative and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • Transition between the two scenes more smoothly. Use a visual or audio cue to connect the two settings and create a sense of continuity.
  • Explore the consequences of Dani's discovery. Show how it impacts her relationship with Christian and her understanding of the Hårgan community.



Scene 39 -  The Horror Unfolds
110 INT. TEMPLE - SAME TIME 110
The ceremony has nearly reached its apogee. The singing has
peaked, and Christian is thrusting faster and harder than
before. Maja, eyes still closed, is in a state of absolute
EUPHORIA. She moans in ecstasy, and the room has filled with
a cacophony of sympathetic moans.
Christian suddenly looks ill. He begins to slow down.
MAJA
(in Swedish)
No. Don’t stop.
Christian looks like he’s going to be sick.
One of the OLD WOMEN (60s) crouches behind Christian. She
PUSHES on his buttocks, urging him to thrust faster. She keeps
pushing and pushing until Christian’s thrusts have gained in
force.
MAJA (CONT’D)
(in Swedish)
Yes. Yes. Fill me.
Christian continues to push until he finally CLIMAXES. The
Old Woman releases him, and backs away.
The singing/moaning DIES out.
Christian, motionless for a long moment, pulls out of Maja
and sits on the ground. He looks slightly traumatized. Maja
looks as euphoric as ever. She hugs her knees to her chest,
and gently rocks herself back and forth.
MAJA (CONT’D)
(in Swedish, to the women)
I can feel it! I feel the baby!
Christian looks back to the OLD WOMAN who was just pushing his
buttocks. She smiles toothlessly at him. He’s definitely going
to be sick. He STANDS suddenly, taking in the room with
growing repulsion. He turns to amble dizzily out of the
temple.
111 EXT. TEMPLE - BOOK BINDING - CHICKEN COOP - CONTINUOUS 111
Christian exits the temple. He looks around, increasingly
disoriented. He looks down to see the fresh puddle of Dani’s
VOMIT. This triggers him to retch. He moves desperately away
from the vomit.
Standing at a distance, several isolated Hårgans watch
Christian stumbling about. Christian tries to ignore them. He
walks toward the MAIN HOUSE, but as he approaches, he hears
the CHORUS OF CRYING (coming from Dani and the young women),
and he immediately changes his trajectory.
Christian is now walking toward the BOOK BINDING HOUSE.
As he nears the house, he sees that the TRUCK (which was
supposedly stolen) is now parked beside it. Christian’s eyes
buzz with suspicion.
He then looks downward...at a GARDEN in front of the book
binding house. It is in the shape of a CIRCLE. And at the
heart of that circle...a FOOT, its sole facing skyward,
protrudes from the soil. A symbol has been painted onto the
sole. (It is Josh’s foot.)
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111 CONTINUED: 111
Christian’s eyes are wild with terror. He rigidly turns
around, his heart pounding, panic taking hold.

CHRISTIAN
(to himself, in denial)
That’s not that. That wasn’t...
He walks off hurriedly toward a SMALL HOUSE. He opens the
door to reveal that it’s a CHICKEN COOP.
112 INT. CHICKEN COOP - CONTINUOUS 112
Christian enters. He shuts the door behind him. Chickens flap
stupidly about.
Christian tries to regain his composure. But as he tries to
steady his breath, he SEES...
Across the room, SIMON - naked - is suspended midair. His
arms are outstretched, his body faced downwards, and it
looks like he’s flying. (In fact, he’s being held up by
flora-decorated ropes.) His BACK HAS BEEN OPENED UP, his
RIBS SEPARATED FROM HIS SPINE (reaching outward like claws)
and his LUNGS HAVE BEEN PULLED UP TO LOOK LIKE OUTSPREAD
WINGS. It appears that his bloody “wings” have also been
covered in bird feed. In fact, one chicken is currently
standing on his back, pecking at a rib.
Frozen in horror, Christian stares unblinkingly.
CHRISTIAN
Josh?
Christian’s eyes fill intensely with TEARS. He starts toward
Simon, whose lung-wings are subtly SWELLING and DEFLATING.
He’s still breathing.

Driven by morbid compulsion, Christian crouches under Simon
to make sure that it’s Simon’s face, and he confirms that it
is, BUT...
His EYES HAVE BEEN REMOVED and the sockets have been stuffed
with BRILLIANTLY COLORED FLOWERS.
Terrified, Christian turns - as if to run from this nightmare
- but he SLAMS into...
ODD, who is wearing a garland crown. Odd blows a handful of
BROWN POWDER in Christian’s face. Christian can’t help but
BREATHE IT IN. He coughs out a lungful of the mysterious
dust.
Stunned for a moment, Christian stumbles back. He tries to
move his legs, but they are suddenly FROZEN. Now immobile,
Christian drunkenly COLLAPSES. He writhes into panic, unable
to move. His eyes are LOCKED OPEN.
He sees a gathering of Hårgans outside the door. Among them
is PELLE. Christian looks pleadingly at Pelle. Pelle looks
away with shame.
Odd leans down. With his fingers, he CLOSES one of
Christian’s EYELIDS. He then CLOSES the other. As this lid
shuts, we GO TO BLACK.
HOLD ON BLACK. After a beat, we sharply cut to:
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 110
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Exhausted and disoriented from the ritual, Christian stumbles out of the temple. He is confronted by the gruesome reality of the Hårgan's actions - Dani's vomit, Josh's foot protruding from the ground, and the horrific sight of Simon hanging from the ceiling, mutilated and still breathing. Just as Christian begins to grasp the full extent of the horror, he is paralyzed by Odd, who throws brown powder in his face, leaving him helpless and vulnerable to whatever awaits him.
Strengths
  • Effective use of imagery
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a sense of horror and unease
Weaknesses
  • Graphic and disturbing content may be too intense for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a sense of horror and suspense, with its graphic descriptions and disturbing events. It keeps the audience on edge and leaves a lasting impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a ritualistic ceremony involving graphic and horrifying elements is executed effectively, creating a sense of unease and horror. The scene's unique and disturbing imagery sets it apart.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the ritualistic ceremony and the shocking events that unfold, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. It effectively builds tension and sets up further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of a disturbing ritual, psychological horror, and intense emotional moments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene react to the horrifying events unfolding around them, adding to the overall sense of fear and unease. Their reactions and interactions contribute to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a significant emotional and psychological change as they witness and experience the horrifying events of the ritualistic ceremony. Their reactions and responses reflect this transformation.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the traumatic events he has witnessed and experienced. It reflects his deeper fears and desires for understanding and control in a chaotic and disturbing situation.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the disturbing ritual and find a way to make sense of the events he has witnessed. It reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a dangerous and unfamiliar environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and disturbing, with the characters facing horrifying and shocking events during the ritualistic ceremony. The tension and fear are palpable, adding to the overall impact.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and psychological challenges that he must overcome. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face terrifying and life-threatening situations during the ritualistic ceremony. The events have serious consequences and raise the tension to a peak.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of horror and mystery, setting up further developments and escalating the tension. It adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected and shocking events that unfold, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Christian's rational worldview and the irrational and disturbing beliefs of the cult. This challenges Christian's values and beliefs, forcing him to confront his own understanding of reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and disgust in the audience. The disturbing events and graphic imagery create a sense of unease and horror, leaving a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, adding to the overall atmosphere of horror and suspense. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, disturbing imagery, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's struggle and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic and shocking conclusion. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of the events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The visual elements are well-presented, enhancing the reader's understanding of the events.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene is visually impactful but suffers from a lack of emotional connection to the audience.
  • The disturbing imagery of Simon's body feels gratuitous and lacks any deeper meaning or connection to the story's themes.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and visual descriptions, with very little dialogue to drive the narrative or character development.
  • The abrupt shift in perspective from Christian's viewpoint to a wider shot of the Hårgans watching him feels jarring and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The sudden introduction of the stolen truck and Josh's foot in the garden feels like an attempt to create suspense but falls flat due to the lack of context and foreshadowing.
  • The scene's climax, where Odd paralyzes Christian with brown powder, feels anticlimactic and lacks a sense of consequence.
  • The ending with Odd closing Christian's eyelids feels abrupt and lacks a sense of closure or emotional impact.
  • The focus on the physical details of Simon's body and the graphic descriptions of his injuries feel exploitative and detract from the scene's overall impact.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or connection to the overall arc of the story. It feels like a collection of disturbing imagery rather than a cohesive narrative moment.
Suggestions
  • Explore the emotional impact of the ritual on Christian, focusing on his internal struggle and his growing sense of alienation from the Hårgan culture.
  • Connect the disturbing imagery of Simon's body to a larger theme or motif in the story. What does his mutilated state symbolize? How does it reflect the larger themes of sacrifice, violence, and the dark side of the Hårgan community?
  • Use dialogue to drive the scene and reveal the characters' motivations and emotions. What is Christian thinking as he experiences this horrifying scene? How does this scene affect his relationship with Dani?
  • Develop the tension between Christian and the Hårgans, adding layers of conflict and mystery to the scene. Why are they watching Christian? What is their motive?
  • Explore the symbolism of the stolen truck and the foot in the garden. What do these elements represent? How do they contribute to the overall narrative?
  • Provide a clearer motivation for Odd's actions. What is his purpose in paralyzing Christian? What does this action signify in terms of the power dynamics between the Hårgans and Christian?
  • Revisit the ending of the scene and create a more satisfying and impactful conclusion. What is the emotional significance of Christian's paralysis? What does it foreshadow for the rest of the story?
  • Focus on the psychological effects of the ritual on Christian rather than simply describing the physical details of Simon's body.
  • Rework the scene to create a stronger sense of purpose and connect it to the overall story arc. What is the scene's main goal? What does it reveal about the characters and the world they inhabit?



Scene 40 -  The Chosen Sacrifice
113 EXT. STAGE - NEXT DAY 113
A TIGHT CLOSE-UP of Christian’s sleeping face. His lip is
slightly contorted, and his chin is chapped with dried
saliva. A HAND enters frame to gently SLAP Christian awake.
His eyelids do not open on their own.
The hand’s fingers PRY OPEN Christian’s EYELIDS. His lip
remains contorted. He tries to speak, but it’s nothing but
vowels.
ULLA (O.C.) *
You cannot speak. You cannot move.
We cut WIDE to reveal that Christian sits limply in a
wheelchair. He faces the crowd. Behind him, on the stage, is
an immense THRONE made of glorious flowers. DANI sits in this
throne, dressed in a MASSIVE FLORAL DRESS that looks like a
grossly distended pile of blossoming flowers. Her GIANT
FLORAL GARLAND CROWN is comprised of the nine special flowers
and herbs. To either side of her, the ELDERS are all standing
upright. (Also, RUBEN has a special seat, whose platform is
covered in COTTON, resembling CLOUDS.)
Dani seems to have detached from reality completely. Her eyes
are somewhere far away.
The entire community is gathered behind Christian. Among
them, MAJA stands happily, wearing vivid red lipstick.
When it’s clear that she has everyone’s total attention, SIV
SPEAKS:
SIV
On this, the day of our deity of
purification, we gather to give
special thanks to our treasured Sun.
As an offering to our Father, we
will today surrender nine human
lives.
Christian’s eyes flare with terror. Dani’s expression is
blank.
SIV (CONT’D)
As Hårga takes, so Hårga also
gives. Thus, for every newblood
sacrificed, we will dedicate one
of our own. That is: four
newbloods, four Hårgans, and one
to be chosen by our Queen. Nine in
all, to die and be reborn in the
great Cycle.
Siv is done. Sten now continues the speech.
STEN
The four newbloods have already
been supplied. As for our end, we
have two already dedicated -
Sten gestures to two elderly CORPSES (one male and one
female) proudly DISPLAYED near the back of the crowd. They
stand upright, and their bottom halves (legs, hips) have been
replaced by TREE STUMPS and their arms have been replaced by
dense TREE BRANCHES. Their branch-arms are positioned to
strike symbolic poses. The female’s head is tilted back as
GNARLED TWIGS jut violently from her mouth (as if they grew
out of her stomach).
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 111
113 CONTINUED: 113
The top of the male’s head is opened up (as if having
bloomed) with an overgrowth of twigs sprouted out (as if they
had grown in his brain and then broken through); twigs also
emerge from his ears.
STEN (CONT’D)
- and two who have volunteered.
(projecting to the crowd)
Ingemar? Ulf?
INGEMAR and ULF take one step forward. Ulf looks nervous.
Ingemar looks overjoyed.
STEN (CONT’D)
You have brought outside offerings,
thus volunteering your own bodies.
You will today be joined in harmony
with Everything.
(to Pelle)
And to Pelle, who has brought us new
blood and our new Queen: you are
today honored for your unclouded
intuition.
Pelle, wearing a VERY LARGE GARLAND CROWN, smiles serenely.
Sten continues:
STEN (CONT’D)
And now, for the ninth offering, it
is traditional that our fair Queen
shall choose between a pre-selected
newblood and a specially ordained
Hårgan...
Sten turns to an Elder standing beside a large BALL CAGE (as
generally used in bingo) at the end of the platform. The
cage holds about a hundred WOODEN BALLS (the size of ping-
pong balls) with a different RUNIC NAME carved into each.
The Man rotates the ball cage, which then dispenses a single
BALL. The man holds up the ball and reads the name aloud:
BALL MAN
Dag.
STEN
Honorable Dag! Please step forward.
DAG, a man in his late 50s, looks like he just won the
lottery. He takes a step forward, beaming with pride.
STEN (CONT’D)
And Christian Hughes.
A Hårgan man now wheels Christian, whose eyes are locked
wide, away from the base of the stage. He positions Christian
beside Dag to also be facing the stage. Christian is shocked
at the sight of Dani.
STEN (CONT’D)
(to Dani)
These are your candidates for the
ninth and final offering. We
patiently await your verdict.
Christian tries to scream, but this only results in muffled
moans. His eyes BEG Dani for mercy. Her eyes are GLASS.
The community waits as Dani makes her silent deliberation.
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113 CONTINUED: 113
Dani’s EYES settle fixedly on CHRISTIAN. A wave of intense
EMOTION suddenly animates Dani’s face. Sadness, anger, love,
heartbreak... These feelings are finally wrestled down, and
her expression becomes BLANK again. Her EYES, still trained
on Christian, have HARDENED. They narrow pointedly to suggest
that she’s made her decision. Sten understands.
STEN (CONT’D)
(to the crowd)
The honor has been bestowed on
Christian Hughes, our ninth and most
sacred offering!
Christian’s muffled screams now become hysterical. He has
turned blue in the face. Dani’s gaze remains steely and
absent.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary A community gathers for a ritual sacrifice, overseen by the Queen, Dani. The ceremony involves four newbloods, four Hårgans, and one chosen by the Queen, to be offered as sacrifices. The offerings include two transformed corpses, two volunteers, and a young man named Pelle, chosen for his intuition. The final offering is selected by lottery, with two men, Dag and Christian, as the options. Dani ultimately chooses Christian, a paralyzed man in a wheelchair, who is horrified by the decision. Despite Christian's pleas and Dani's brief flicker of emotion, she remains resolute, leaving Christian screaming in terror as the scene ends.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Intricate plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too disturbing for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and filled with suspense, keeping the audience on edge throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of human sacrifice, ritualistic ceremonies, and the May Queen tradition are executed with depth and complexity.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate, with multiple storylines converging towards a climactic moment of decision and sacrifice.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and disturbing elements such as the ritualistic sacrifices, the surreal physical transformations of the corpses, and the intense emotional conflict between the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each facing their own internal conflicts and external challenges.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, especially the May Queen who has to make a difficult decision.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and escape the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his fear of death and desire for self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being chosen as a sacrifice in the community's ritual. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being selected to die.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with emotional, moral, and physical stakes at play.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and conflicting values. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with human lives on the line and a pivotal decision to be made by the May Queen.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward towards a climactic moment of sacrifice and revelation.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, the characters' surprising actions, and the shocking revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the community's belief in sacrifice for rebirth and the protagonist's belief in self-preservation. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes a range of intense emotions from fear to heartbreak, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, especially in moments of tension and decision-making.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intense emotional conflict, and shocking revelations. The high stakes and unpredictable events keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a dramatic climax. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the emotional turmoil of the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals important plot points. It maintains the expected structure for its genre of psychological horror.


Critique
  • This scene, while visually striking and building on the established themes of the script, feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. The quick exposition regarding the sacrifice ritual feels too expository and lessens the impact of the choices made.
  • The portrayal of Dani's detached state feels repetitive and lacks nuance. It's important to show rather than tell her emotional detachment, perhaps through her body language or interaction with the others.
  • The choices made for the sacrifice, while seemingly shocking, don't feel earned. There needs to be a clearer sense of the motivations behind Dani's choice and the Hårgan community's acceptance of it.
  • Christian's reaction is primarily physical, which feels less impactful than conveying his internal conflict and terror. It could be more effective to use his limited vocalizations to express his inner turmoil.
  • The scene lacks a sense of tension and suspense. The build-up to the climax of the sacrifice feels underwhelming. The scene should be designed to create a greater sense of anticipation and dread.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, but the dialogue lacks a sense of poetry and uniqueness. The language could be more evocative to enhance the mystical atmosphere.
  • The scene abruptly ends, leaving the reader with a sense of dissatisfaction. A more impactful ending that lingers on the emotional weight of the decision could be more effective.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene. Use visual storytelling and subtle character interactions to build suspense and dread, rather than relying on exposition.
  • Develop Dani's emotional detachment more gradually throughout the scene, showcasing her internal turmoil through her actions and interactions.
  • Explore the motivations behind Dani's choice for the ninth offering. How has her experience with the Hårgan community, and her relationship with Christian, led her to make this decision? Show, don't tell, her reasoning.
  • Enhance Christian's emotional response. Allow his muffled screams and moans to convey a sense of desperation, fear, and betrayal. This will make his helplessness more impactful.
  • Introduce a sense of ambiguity regarding the sacrifice ritual. Is it truly an act of pure evil, or is there a deeper meaning behind it that remains hidden from the viewers?
  • Elevate the dialogue by using more evocative language, metaphors, and symbolism. This will enhance the mystical atmosphere and deepen the impact of the scene.
  • Consider ending the scene with a final shot that lingers on Dani's expression. This could be a close-up of her eyes, her face, or a wide shot of her on the throne. The choice of shot should leave the audience with a lingering feeling of unease, sadness, or even a hint of triumph.
  • The scene could benefit from adding some details about the visual world. What are the sounds of the crowd? What are the textures of the stage? These details can help to immerse the reader in the scene and create a more evocative experience.



Scene 41 -  The Burning of Christian
114 EXT. FIELD - EVENING 114
CU of a WHEEL rolling across the grass. Tracking alongside
this, we tilt up to reveal that it belongs to a WHEELBARROW.
Lying in the wheelbarrow is CONNIE’S CORPSE. It is soaking wet
and its flesh is grossly distended (from being left
underwater). She is wearing the same outfit (of greenery and
jewels) that was used earlier for the sacrificial tree (which
was fed to the lake).
Continuing to track alongside the wheelbarrow (which is
pushed by a young male Hårgan), we pull back to EXPAND OUR
VIEW. We reveal that the Hårgan is carting Connie’s corpse
toward the yellow-painted TRIANGULAR TEMPLE, which was
previously off-limits. It stands in the center of an open
field. Its door is now OPEN.
We settle on a static wide of this until a NEW CART is pushed
into frame. We now follow this cart, keeping it centered in
frame. This cart holds MARK’S “CORPSE.” In fact, it is just
his hollowed out SKIN - stuffed with straw and hay. Atop his
head is a jester’s hat.
Peripherally, other bodies are being carted toward the house.
We continue to track ahead, following Mark’s cart INTO the
SACRED HOUSE...
115 INT. SACRED HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 115
The interior is completely adorned in greenery. An impossibly
lush mausoleum. In the center is a PLATFORM made of hay.
Connie’s corpse is rested against one wall.
Mark’s is seated against the opposite wall.
Beyond them, to either side, are the TWO ELDER TREE-CORPSES
that were standing upright in the crowd. The male body is
surrounded by his most precious belongings (jewelry, books,
etc.). The dead female elder is also surrounded by her most
prized possessions.

Beyond them, at the far end of the temple, is...

JOSH’S BODY, which is covered in dirt and soil. His eyes and
nostrils are clogged with earth. His face is locked into a
gagged scream, his mouth utterly stuffed with paper (from the
Rubi Radr). Stacks of books rest on his lap (and atop those,
his smartphone stands on its side, facing outward). And
beside Josh...
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 113
115 CONTINUED: 115
SIMON’S CORPSE. He is now in the same dress as the rest of
the corpses, but the eyes are still replaced by bright
flowers.

116 EXT. BOOKBINDING HOUSE - SAME TIME 116

We are PUSHING TOWARD the bookbinding house, whose doors are
open. To the side of it, Ulf and Ingemar are being embraced
passionately by several members of the community.
117 INT. BOOK-BINDING ROOM - SAME TIME 117
A room that is typically used for book-binding. Its walls are
lined with collector’s editions of books.
A DEAD BEAR (seen earlier, alive and caged) lies on the island
table. A deep INCISION has been drawn from the animal’s neck to
its groin. Two Hårgan Labourers pull out the bear’s INNARDS.
After scooping out the majority of its guts, they pile the
waste into a bucket.
Then, with the assistance of two well-built Hårgan men, the
Labourers endeavor to lift CHRISTIAN’s paralyzed body.
Christian is fitted into the bear’s hollowed out carcass.
They start by inserting his limp legs into the bear’s legs.
118 INT. SACRED HOUSE - MINUTES LATER 118

Humming and music has started very quietly outside.
Christian has been secured into the giant bear carcass. The
incision (from its groin to its neck) has been SEWN UP. The
bear’s JAW has been removed, creating a gaping HOLE (down to
its upper chest) through which Christian’s FACE is visible.
Five Hårgan labourers plant the bear carcass in the CENTER of
the hay platform. Its back rests against a hay pile. Christian
is still unable to move or speak. His muffled screams persist.
A man dressed as “Vídorr” (god of vengeance) stands before
Christian. He holds the Rubi Radr in his hands.
VÍDORR
(in Swedish)
Mighty and dreadful beast. With
you, we purge our most unholy
Affekts. We banish you now to the
deepest recesses, where you may
reflect on your wickedness.
Ingemar and Ulf are now seated on haystacks. They are also
surrounded by their most prized belongings. Mats stands
before Ingemar, who smiles widely. He pours a thick, sappy
LIQUID into Ingemar’s mouth.
MATS
(in Swedish)
Drink from the yew tree. Feel no
fear.
Mats moves to Ulf. He pours the liquid into his mouth as
well.
MATS (CONT’D)
(in Swedish)
Drink from the yew tree. Feel no
pain.
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118 CONTINUED: 118
Mats leaves the house. Now, THREE HÅRGAN MEN enter with
FLAMING TORCHES. The music begins to rise outside, including
the wordless, microtonal SINGING we’ve come to recognize.
The men approach Christian, whose “screaming” has become
horribly frenzied.
The men move to different sides of the hay platform. They
form a TRIANGLE. Simultaneously, they touch their torches to
the hay - igniting a FIRE.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary The Hårgan community gathers in their temple for a ritualistic sacrifice. The corpses of community members, including Connie and a straw-stuffed facsimile of Mark, are arranged in the temple. Christian, paralyzed and considered wicked, is placed inside a hollowed-out bear carcass, which is then set ablaze on a platform in the center of the temple. While Christian screams in agony, a man dressed as Vidorr, the god of vengeance, delivers a condemning speech. Ingemar and Ulf are given a mysterious liquid to drink, seemingly meant to alleviate their pain. The scene concludes with the temple engulfed in flames, the Hårgan community singing, and Christian burning to death inside the bear.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Intriguing concept
  • High stakes
  • Effective use of symbolism
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Potentially disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, combining elements of horror, drama, and mystery to create a tense and disturbing atmosphere. The use of symbolism, ritualistic sacrifice, and emotional turmoil elevates the scene to a compelling and memorable level.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a sacrificial ritual involving characters in a macabre ceremony is innovative and effectively executed. The scene delves into dark themes and explores the psychological and emotional impact on the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricately woven with elements of mystery and suspense, leading to a climactic sacrificial ritual. The progression of events keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of ritualistic practices and burial rituals, as well as the blending of modern and ancient beliefs. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are deeply affected by the events unfolding in the scene, showcasing a range of emotions from fear to confusion to shock. Their reactions and interactions add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, facing moral dilemmas, emotional turmoil, and physical danger. These experiences shape their development and lead to profound transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene may be to survive or escape the dangerous and ritualistic situation they find themselves in. This reflects their deeper need for self-preservation and fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene may be to understand the rituals and practices of the Hårgan community and possibly find a way to navigate the situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with characters facing moral dilemmas, emotional turmoil, and physical danger. The stakes are high, leading to a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges and obstacles that add to the suspense and uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and supernatural forces. The outcome of the sacrificial ritual will have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and deepening the mystery. The sacrificial ritual serves as a turning point in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the ritualistic practices and the unknown fate of the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's modern beliefs and the ancient, ritualistic practices of the Hårgan community. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and sadness in the characters and the audience. The intense emotions experienced by the characters resonate deeply with the viewers.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. The use of Swedish adds authenticity to the setting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark and mysterious atmosphere, the unfolding of ritualistic practices, and the tension between the protagonist and the Hårgan community.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued by the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and mystery as it progresses.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional impact despite the horrifying events. The rapid pacing diminishes the weight of the sacrifices.
  • The constant description of the setting feels repetitive and slows the momentum. The reader already understands the temple is decorated with greenery and lush.
  • While the staging of the corpses is visually intriguing, it's a bit overdone and lacks a clear purpose beyond a macabre display. The placement of Simon's dress and Josh's phone feels gratuitous.
  • The inclusion of the dead bear's innards being removed feels unnecessary and graphic, especially considering the scene's focus is on the ritual sacrifices.
  • Christian's screams are mentioned, but the reader has no sense of their intensity or quality. The scene would be more impactful if we heard these screams, felt their desperate nature.
  • The scene culminates in the burning of the bear, but the visual impact is lost due to the focus on dialogue. The reader needs to see the fire grow, feel the heat, and be truly horrified.
  • The use of Swedish dialogue for Vídorr and Mats makes the scene feel inaccessible to the reader, who is already struggling to process the complex and unsettling events.
  • The ending lacks a sense of closure. The scene concludes with the fire igniting, but we don't see its progression, the victims' reactions, or Dani's response.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing. Let the reader dwell on the macabre details and the emotional weight of the sacrifices. Focus on character reactions to the events, especially Christian's terror.
  • Reduce the descriptive text, particularly the repeated mention of the temple's lushness. Instead, focus on the visual impact of the corpses, their positioning, and the temple's atmosphere.
  • Explore the significance of the corpse arrangements. What does the juxtaposition of Simon in a dress and Josh with a phone communicate? Emphasize the symbols and their meaning for the Hårgans.
  • Remove the graphic detail of the bear's innards being removed. It's unnecessary and distracts from the main event, Christian's sacrifice.
  • Allow the reader to hear Christian's screams. Describe their quality, their desperate tone. Let the reader experience the horror through sound.
  • Focus on the visual impact of the fire. Show the flames growing, consuming the hay platform and the bear. Describe the heat, the smoke, the victims' reactions.
  • Translate the Swedish dialogue for Vídorr and Mats. This will make the scene more accessible to the reader and emphasize the ritualistic nature of the event.
  • End the scene with a strong visual and emotional impact. Show the fire spreading, the victims screaming, and Dani's reaction to the horror.



Scene 42 -  Ascension Through Fire
119 EXT. FIELD - SAME TIME 119
The torch-men exit the house. Inside, the fire has begun to
spread along the platform.
The music rises as the fire picks up. The SINGING, which
wavers in trembling anticipation, has not yet found harmony.
Dani watches this with dissociated eyes. She stands tensely
in the field, eyes locked on the fire. Behind her, all of
Hårga is enraptured.
120 INT. SACRED HOUSE - SAME TIME 120
The fire has grown considerably. Inside the bear, Christian
is now being steam-boiled in the animal’s fluids.
The bear’s FUR begins to catch fire. Before long, the whole
animal is swallowed in the blaze. Christian’s wretched face
becomes invisible behind the flames.
Ulf and Ingemar (still smiling) watch this with detached
fascination.
The fire has now spread to other piles of hay. It has begun
to crawl up the walls of the house.
Ulf is suddenly consumed by flames. He SCREAMS!
121 EXT. FIELD - SAME TIME 121
Ulf’s screams are heard from the Sacred House. Suddenly, every
member of the Hårgan community (who is not singing) begins to
SCREAM as well. Feeling Ulf’s pain, they emit a horrible chorus
of wails. When Ulf’s screams die down, so do theirs.
Meanwhile, Ruben has been given paper to PAINT on. Two elders
encourage him.
DANI, watching the burning house with fraught eyes, is
suddenly met with a wave of conflicting emotions. Her
expression curdles into one of sheer HORROR and DISGUST. Then
it becomes one of deep SORROW and SHAME. Her eyes well with
tears. The singing has now HARMONIZED and has risen to an
insane, operatic pitch.
We cut to an immense WIDE. Dani’s back is in the f.g. and the
burning house is in the b.g. Overcome, Dani buries her face in
her hands. Breaking into gentle sobs, she begins to walk
aimlessly to the side. We TRACK alongside her, keeping her
centered. She is circling the house, pulling at her hair and
face in increasing anguish. She is WEEPING now, and the house
(ever-present in the b.g.) has become ENGULFED in the raging
flames.
Dani begins MOANING and SCREAMING. Her howls almost harmonize
with the singing in the b.g. The fire ROARS and CRACKLES in
the distance. It’s apocalyptic.
SALMON Revisions (9/17/2018) 115
121 CONTINUED: 121
Soon it’s uncertain whether Dani is crying or LAUGHING. Her
legs become weak and she collapses to her knees. Four Hårgans
(one of them being Pelle) run into the scene, carrying a
LARGE CHAIR - Dani’s throne.
The Hårgans lift Dani by the arms and SEAT her in the throne.
They then HOIST the chair into the air.
On the upward LIFT, we cut to a tight CLOSE-UP of Dani’s
face. She is being carried forward. Her expression, which
begins as one of great distress, slowly starts to TURN. Her
agony subsides into sudden CONFUSION. What’s happening?
Where am I? I’m on this chair, being carried! Her expression
goes from FEAR to EXCITEMENT to CONFUSION again. She
suddenly lets out an abrupt LAUGH (which we can’t hear over
the music and the now-deafening FIRE). Dani is now being
taken over by an invading sense of pride and contentment.
This soon evolves into a manic exhilaration. Dani BEAMS. She
has been embraced by a new family. She is Queen. She is not
alone.
A SMILE finally breaks onto Dani’s face. (For some, this smile
might recall the photo of Dani in her parent’s bedroom at the
beginning of the film.) She has surrendered to a joy known
only by the insane. She has lost herself completely, and she
is finally free. It is horrible and it is beautiful.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Horror","Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The fire in the Sacred House escalates, consuming the bear holding Christian and spreading to the surrounding hay piles, ultimately claiming the life of Ulf. His agonizing screams reverberate throughout the community, prompting a unified wail of grief. Dani witnesses the horrifying scene, overwhelmed by sorrow and shame, collapsing to the ground in tears. She is then lifted by four Hårgans and placed on her throne, which is hoisted into the air. Dani experiences a whirlwind of emotions, from despair to excitement, culminating in a manic smile as she is lifted into the sky, signifying her reintegration into the Hårgan community.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling concept
  • High stakes
  • Effective portrayal of horror and tragedy
  • Engaging character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Disturbing and graphic imagery

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and impactful, with a mix of horror, tragedy, and liberation that keeps the audience engaged and disturbed. The execution of the sacrificial ritual and the protagonist's emotional journey are compelling and well-crafted.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a sacrificial ritual in a cult setting is executed with depth and complexity, exploring themes of horror, tragedy, liberation, and emotional turmoil. The scene effectively conveys the dark and disturbing nature of the cult's practices.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the sacrificial ritual, leading to a climactic and intense sequence of events. The emotional journey of the protagonist and the unfolding of the ritual add depth and tension to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of a cult-like community and their disturbing rituals. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall sense of unease and tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters play crucial roles in the sacrificial ritual, with the protagonist experiencing a significant emotional transformation. The cult members and sacrificial participants contribute to the dark and unsettling atmosphere of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant character change, moving from fear and confusion to pride, contentment, and ultimately liberation. The emotional transformation adds depth to the character arc and drives the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 9

Dani's internal goal in this scene is to process her conflicting emotions and find a sense of belonging and acceptance. She is struggling with horror, disgust, sorrow, and shame, but ultimately surrenders to a sense of joy and freedom.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive and navigate the intense and chaotic events unfolding around her, ultimately finding a sense of belonging and purpose within the Hårgan community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the sacrificial ritual, emotional turmoil, and intense moments driving the narrative forward. The clash of emotions, intentions, and actions heightens the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dani facing internal and external challenges that test her beliefs, values, and identity. The uncertainty and chaos surrounding her add to the dramatic tension and unpredictability of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with multiple characters facing sacrificial offerings, intense emotional turmoil, and the revelation of dark cult practices. The outcome of the ritual and the protagonist's fate hang in the balance, heightening the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the climax of the sacrificial ritual and the protagonist's emotional journey. The resolution of the conflict and the revelation of the cult's practices propel the narrative towards its conclusion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Dani's emotional journey, as well as the shocking events unfolding within the Hårgan community. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of sacrifice, belonging, and the loss of self. Dani is faced with the choice of embracing the community's rituals and beliefs or rejecting them in favor of her own values and identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a profound emotional impact on the audience, evoking fear, confusion, excitement, pride, contentment, sorrow, shame, joy, insanity, and beauty. The protagonist's emotional journey and the sacrificial ritual intensify the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters effectively. The silence and actions speak louder than words in this intense and dramatic setting.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dramatic events, and the protagonist's profound transformation. The escalating tension and vivid imagery keep the audience captivated and invested in Dani's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to experience Dani's internal turmoil and transformation in a gradual and impactful way. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the events unfolding.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and emotional intensity. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's internal and external struggles.


Critique
  • This scene is the climax of the film, and it's important to make it impactful. However, the visual descriptions are weak and lack the intensity the scene deserves. The scene also feels rushed and doesn't adequately emphasize the emotional arc of Dani.
  • The scene focuses on the visual spectacle of the burning house, but lacks the emotional resonance needed to fully connect with the audience. We know Dani is experiencing complex emotions, but we don't feel her journey through those emotions.
  • The visual descriptions are too literal, lacking the evocative language that can paint a stronger picture for the reader. For example, 'The fire has grown considerably' could be replaced with 'The flames, now a raging inferno, consume the bear's carcass, turning it into a pyre of twisted limbs.'
  • The descriptions of Christian's suffering within the bear are not as visceral or impactful as they could be. This is a crucial moment that demands more vivid imagery and emotional depth.
  • The introduction of Ruben's painting feels like an afterthought and doesn't connect to the overall emotional weight of the scene. The scene could benefit from making a more direct connection between Dani's emotional breakdown and the artistic expression of the Hårgan community.
  • The scene's resolution feels abrupt. Dani's transition from horror and anguish to manic exhilaration could be more gradual and believable. We need to see a more compelling journey from despair to acceptance of her fate.
Suggestions
  • Focus on intensifying the emotional journey of Dani. Use stronger imagery and dialogue to convey her complex emotions, from horror and disgust to sorrow and shame, culminating in her acceptance of her fate.
  • Strengthen the visual descriptions of the burning house and Christian's suffering within the bear. Use more evocative language to create a sense of dread, horror, and spectacle.
  • Explore the symbolism of the fire and its impact on the Hårgan community. How does the fire connect to the themes of sacrifice, rebirth, and the acceptance of death in their culture?
  • Develop a more engaging connection between Dani's emotional journey and Ruben's painting. Perhaps the painting is a visual representation of Dani's internal turmoil, or it could offer a parallel narrative that reflects her emotional state.
  • Give Dani's transition to manic exhilaration more time and depth. Show her slowly embracing her new identity as Queen, perhaps through interactions with the Hårgan community or a sense of purpose and belonging she discovers within their rituals.
  • Consider adding a final line or two to the scene that leaves the audience with a lingering sense of ambiguity. What is Dani's fate? What will happen to the Hårgan community after the fire?
  • Consider using a more poetic and impactful ending. Instead of a fade to black, try ending with a close-up on Dani's face, her smile fading as she succumbs to the fire's embrace, or perhaps the fire engulfing her entirely.