Read Everything Everywhere All at Once with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Reality Manipulation and a Mysterious Encounter
Professor Jackie stands at the chalkboard in front of the
typical disinterested class of undergrads. On the board,
Jackie is illustrating the classic double-slit experiment.
He is drawing a wave-like pattern.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
... So when the photons pass
through the two slits without an
active observer we get an
interference pattern suggesting
they are waves. Now, what happens
when we bring an outside observer-
let’s say a camera, Devon?

Devon is sleeping. A classmate smacks him in the back.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
That’s right, Devon. Through the
simple act of observing the
experiment, the photons are now
behaving as if they are distinct
particles...

Prof. Jackie begins drawing random dots all over the board
while looking at his students.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Not only does this discovery
eventually pave the way for the
entire field of Quantum Physics,
but it also throws into question
everything we believed to be true
about-

His students break out in LAUGHTER. He scans the room for
the distraction. He looks back at the chalkboard and
discovers that his ’random’ particles have formed the
distinct shape of a penis on his chalkboard.

Prof. Jackie frantically erases the photons. He tries again
but despite his best efforts he forms another penis. His
face is stoic.
Instinctively, he looks over his shoulder and finds someone
standing in the doorway- a young Asian woman.
The blood leaves Jackie’s face.

PROFESSOR JACKIE
Class is dismissed.
No one moves.
2.


PROFESSOR JACKIE
I said class is dismissed!
Prof. Jackie throws on a blue-tooth earpiece as a diligent
student approaches his desk with a question.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Just check the portal for your
homework, Gary! Leave! Go!
(into earpiece)
She’s here.
EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
Get out of there! Now.
Everyone leaves the classroom as the Asian woman, JOBU
TUPAKI, slowly takes a seat in the front row, plopping her
book bag on the desk beside her.
Prof. Jackie looks at the door, then at Jobu. He suddenly
doubles over from a severe headache. He gasps and sits down
at his desk. He looks exhausted. Tired of running.

EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
No. What are you doing? Run Jackie,
we can’t afford to lose-
He pulls out the earpiece and places it on the desk.
EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
Jackie... please...

The room is now empty and completely quiet. They sit across
from each other in silence. Jobu examines him.
JOBU
(deadpan)
I liked your lesson. Totally blew
my mind.

Prof. Jackie whips a handgun out of the desk drawer and
fires directly at her head! Jobu sighs.
click, click, click, click, click- all duds.
Jackie looks at his gun in disbelief.
Amused, Jobu pulls out her phone to search something.
JOBU
Do you know what the chances are of
a factory produced .38 round being
a dud?
3.


(beat)
Woah. 1/100,000.
Jobu walks over and gently takes the gun.

JOBU
That makes 5 misfires in a row...
one in one hundred thousand billion
billion. So what are the chances-
(points gun at Jackie)
-of a 6th misfire-
PROFESSOR JACKIE
I’m not playing your games anymore.
She cocks the gun.
JOBU
What are the chances?
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Joy, I know how scary it can be,
knowing all that you know, but you
are forgetting there is still so
much beauty. So much hope.
Jobu rolls her eyes and drops the gun on the ground.

She grabs the professor by the hair and slams his head on
the desk. Then again. And again. Again!
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Agh! What are you doing?!
JOBU
I’m trying to show you something.

PROFESSOR JACKIE
(between impacts)
What? That up is down, and pigs can
fly? The universe is infinite, I
get it, okay?
With each word, she slams his head into the desk again.
JOBU
No. you don’t. Your concept of
infinity- is- still- way- too-
fucking- small-
Suddenly Prof. Jackie’s head floats through his wooden desk.
With his eyes wide open, he passes through the wood without
harming himself or the desk. How? He crumples to the floor.
4.


A shivering mess, he feels his face and reaches up to touch
the underside of the desk.
JOBU
1 in a million trillion trillion.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
What?
JOBU
That’s the probability of every
atom in your head tunneling through
every atom of your desk, and coming
out the other side whole.
Jobu tosses her book bag on the ground then rubs it’s back.
She flips it around, and suddenly it’s a pot bellied pig.
Prof. Jackie finds the handgun on the ground next to him and
examines it curiously. He places it against his temple.
JOBU
Sorry, you’re not the one.

The pig unfurls beautiful wings and Jobu flies up through
the skylight of the classroom.
BANG. Prof Jackie’s hand falls limp next to the bluetooth
earpiece.
EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
No! Shit! She got another one...

We follow Jobu through the skylight and suddenly she is:

INT. MULTIVERSE TRAVEL - VARIOUS
We travel with her from universe to universe.

INT BAR riding on a mechanical bull, her eyes scan the bar,
searching for something, then flies off-
EXT OCEAN flying through the air as a cliff diver passively
observing the divers below- still looking...
EXT STREET a mid air stunt woman on a commercial set-
EXT SUBURBAN HOME a bird smacking against a window
INT TRAMPOLINE PARK a circus clown who lands on the
trampoline and bounces to her feet-
5.


EXT CITY STREET a gutter punk who hops over a puddle and
looks around. She see’s another version of Jackie in a
coffee shop sweeping up some spilled sugar packets. She is
looking for something in Jackie, but she shakes her head and
plops down on a bus stop-
Becoming more versions of herself in more unexpected
places. Flash. Flash. Flash. Until:

INT. JOY’S APARTMENT
Jobu lies in bed with a sleeping woman watching TV on their
laptop. Her phone phone BUZZES on her nightstand with a
call from "DAD." She picks up.

JACKIE OS
Hello? Joy?
(pause)
If someone calls from the IRS, can
you please say you are still
working at the laundromat? I, um,
forgot to change some small
paperwork and now the government is
causing trouble. Hello?
Jobu listens intently.

JACKIE OS
(Chinese)
Joy, I don’t know what you want me
to do. You never call. You don’t
come to see us. Your mother is very
upset. I know you are mad at us,
but we are your parents-
Jobu hangs up. She looks at the phone and shakes her head
no. Suddenly her head drops forward before snapping back up
like she was dosing off. The woman, BECKY turns in bed.

BECKY
Who was that?
Jobu looks at the phone as if she doesn’t remember talking
on the phone.
JOBU
What?
BECKY
Didn’t someone call?
6.

JOBU
No, you must have been dreaming.
She rolls over in bed and puts an arm around Becky.


ON BLACK
TITLE: "PART 1: EVERYTHING"
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary Professor Jackie teaches a disinterested class about the double-slit experiment. Jobu Tupaki enters the classroom, causing Jackie to panic. After a misfire, Jobu reveals her reality-manipulating abilities and transforms her bag into a flying pig. The scene transitions to Jobu traveling through different universes, and it ends with her lying in bed receiving a phone call from her father.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Intriguing characters
  • Mix of humor and intensity
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and thought-provoking, with a mix of humor and intensity. It introduces intriguing concepts and raises questions that captivate the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the double-slit experiment and the idea of an outside observer affecting the behavior of particles is presented in a clear and interesting way. The concept of infinite possibilities and the ability to manipulate reality is also introduced.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the introduction of Jobu Tupaki, a mysterious character who disrupts Professor Jackie's class. It sets up a conflict and raises questions about Jobu's intentions and abilities.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high. The use of the double-slit experiment as a metaphor for the protagonist's internal and external conflicts is unique, and the unexpected twist of the 'random' particles forming a penis on the chalkboard adds a fresh and surprising element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Professor Jackie is portrayed as a knowledgeable and dedicated teacher, but also vulnerable and haunted by something. Jobu Tupaki is introduced as a powerful and enigmatic character with the ability to manipulate reality. Their interaction creates intrigue and tension.

Character Changes: 7

Professor Jackie experiences a shift in his perception of reality and his understanding of the world. Jobu Tupaki's presence challenges his beliefs and forces him to confront his fears.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and hide his true identity and abilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the Asian woman, Jobu Tupaki, who has entered the classroom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the disruption caused by Jobu Tupaki and Professor Jackie's internal struggle. It creates tension and drives the plot forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of escaping from Jobu Tupaki and hiding his true identity and abilities.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Professor Jackie, as his beliefs and understanding of the world are challenged. The introduction of Jobu Tupaki adds an element of danger and mystery.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a new character and sets up a conflict that will drive the story forward. It raises questions and creates intrigue, motivating the audience to continue watching.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists, such as the 'random' particles forming a penis on the chalkboard and the protagonist's gun misfiring multiple times.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Professor Jackie's belief in the beauty and hope of the universe and Jobu's belief in the limitations of human understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, confusion, and concern in the audience. The emotional impact is heightened by the mysterious and intense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the scientific concepts and the characters' emotions. It also includes humorous moments that provide a contrast to the serious tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines intellectual concepts with humor and surprise, keeping the audience interested and curious about what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, while also allowing for moments of humor and surprise.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with an interesting premise, as Professor Jackie is teaching a class about the double-slit experiment. However, the execution of the scene falls short in several areas.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity. The professor's explanations come across as overly didactic and unnatural. The sarcastic comment from Jobu about the probability of a misfire also feels out of place and forced.
  • The transition from the classroom setting to Jobu confronting Jackie is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer setup for Jobu's entrance.
  • The violence in the scene, with Jobu repeatedly slamming Jackie's head on the desk, feels gratuitous and unnecessary. It doesn't serve a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • The introduction of Jobu's reality-manipulating abilities feels rushed and underdeveloped. It would be more effective to gradually reveal her powers and explore their implications.
  • The scene transitions to Jobu traveling through different universes, but this shift feels disjointed and confusing. It's not clear how this connects to the previous events or what purpose it serves in the overall story.
  • The scene ends with Jobu lying in bed with her partner, receiving a phone call from her father. This ending feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution or cliffhanger.
  • Overall, the scene lacks cohesion and clarity. The pacing is uneven, and the tonal shifts between academic, tense, violent, and surreal are jarring.
  • The visual elements, such as the drawing of a penis on the chalkboard and the gun misfiring, feel gimmicky and detract from the scene's impact.
  • The character development is limited, and the motivations of the characters, particularly Jobu, are unclear.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and realistic dialogue, a clearer and more organic progression of events, and a stronger focus on character development and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. Focus on conveying information in a way that feels organic to the characters and their relationships.
  • Provide a clearer and smoother transition from the classroom setting to Jobu's entrance. Establish a stronger connection between the two events.
  • Reconsider the violent elements in the scene and ensure they serve a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Gradually reveal Jobu's reality-manipulating abilities and explore their implications in a more nuanced and developed manner.
  • Clarify the connection between Jobu traveling through different universes and the previous events. Ensure this shift in setting serves a clear purpose in the overall story.
  • Reconsider the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying resolution or cliffhanger that connects to the rest of the scene.
  • Streamline the visual elements to ensure they enhance the impact of the scene rather than feeling gimmicky.
  • Focus on developing the characters' motivations and providing clearer insight into their actions and choices.
  • Work on improving the overall cohesion, pacing, and tonal consistency of the scene.
  • Consider seeking feedback from beta readers or fellow screenwriters to gain additional perspectives and insights on how to improve the scene.



Scene 2 -  Overwhelmed with Taxes
INT. CHAN APARTMENT - DINING ROOM - MORNING
JACKIE CHAN, in sweat pants and a over-sized polo
shirt, hangs up the phone. The years have not been kind to
this Jackie. All around him, years of tax documents and old
receipts threaten to drown him in his overpopulated
apartment.
Jackie puts down the phone and simmers. After a beat, he
shoots out of his chair and throws on his jacket.
WINONA
What’s wrong?
WINONA, big perm and an unnecessary amount of make-up for
doing taxes, sits on the other side of the paperwork. When
they speak to one another its in Cantonese with pieces of
broken English thrown in for emphasis.
JACKIE
Everything’s fine. I’m just going
over there to talk to her in
person.
WINONA
You’re just going to lecture and
get into a fight-
Jackie slams his palms onto the table causing a pile of
receipts to topple over. He looks up from his wife to the
crowded wall behind her filled with pictures of their
daughter, framed children’s drawings, and report cards. He
forces a laugh and smiles.
JACKIE
No, there is nothing to fight
about.
WINONA
I know how worried you are about
Joy, but you have to concentrate
right now if we’re going to finish
this today.
7.


Jackie relents. He sits down and picks up a receipt. He
stares right past it for a long beat.
And then a DOORBELL RING. Jackie looks at the security
footage on their TV and sees a laundromat customer
downstairs is pressing their assistance button. He gets up
and rushes out the door.
Winona is left to deal with the taxes. She sighs: typical.

MONTAGE - VARIOUS

INT. LAUNDROMAT - Jackie is holding up a shrunken sweater as
he is berated by an angry customer.

INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Winona nods along as Jackie
passionately tells Winona the story, but not actually doing
any tax work of his own.
JACKIE
... You know me, I always mix the
two words. "He", "she", "he",
"she". In Chinese, there is only
one word, so simple. Everything
here is so messy. Boys wearing
make-up, girls with shaved heads...

INT. LAUNDROMAT - Jackie is waving goodbye to some customers
as they leave, when he suddenly remembers something.
JACKIE
Wait! I need you to review us. Give
us 5 stars. Please.
CUSTOMER
Um, okay...
The customer is about to leave. Jackie steps between her and
the door. His smile glows with desperation.
JACKIE
Great. Can you do it right now?
CUSTOMER
Right now?
JACKIE
I have written a sample review in
case you don’t know what to say.

Jackie holds up a sample script.
8.


INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Winona is watching a Chinese
Soap Opera on T.V. and tearing up. Jackie sits down about to
start working on the taxes again. Winona smiles up at him,
but all he offers back is a distracted nod. They hear an
elderly voice coming from the other room.
ELDERLY VOICE (O.S.)
Son... son...
INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN - Jackie is feeding his catatonic
father, YIEH YIEH, who is muttering to himself in Cantonese.
YIEH YIEH
What am I doing in this horrible
country? I could be home... I could
be buried next to me father...
INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Back in the dining room.
WINONA
What did your father want?
JACKIE
He was hungry.
RING. Jackie and Winona look at each other. What is it now?
EXT. LAUNDROMAT - Jackie approaches a homeless man
panhandling outside of his laundromat in his underwear.
JACKIE
Excuse me, sir. You can’t be
here...
An awful smell causes Jackie to recoil. The man’s soiled
pants sit nearby on the sidewalk. Jackie looks at the man
and sighs.
INT. LAUNDROMAT - The homeless man is wearing a robe while
Jackie is throwing the homeless man’s dirty clothes into the
washing machine.
INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Winona watches from upstairs
through the security footage. It breaks her heart a little.
END OF MONTAGE
9.


INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - EVENING

Jackie finally sits down across from Winona. The day has
worn him down.

WINONA
I think I’m almost done, I just
have a couple questions about-
JACKIE
What is this?
Winona senses there is going to be trouble. They both try
their best to remain civil as Jackie rifles through stacks.
WINONA
I think some things were in the
wrong group.
JACKIE
No, no, no. I’m going to have to
re-sort everything.

WINONA
Jackie, this is why we are being
audited. You’re trying to deduct
things like- karaoke machines,
kitchen knife sets-
JACKIE
We’re being audited because they
are targeting immigrants, I read
about it just yesterday-
Winona gets up and enters the kitchen to avoid an argument.
Jackie is too focused on the paperwork to notice. Winona
comes back with a pot of tea and some snacks.
WINONA
Look, if we’re going to have to
stay up all night, maybe we can do
it together. It’ll be like college.
Winona puts her hand on Jackie’s shoulder. Jackie doesn’t
even look up from the paperwork.
JACKIE
No. It’s okay. You know I usually
work better alone. I promise it’ll
be sorted out in the morning.

He pulls away from her hand. Winona has had enough. She sets
the tea on the table and walks away to her bedroom.
10.

Jackie takes a deep breath and looks over at the clock:
12:12am. He picks up receipt and holds it over one pile but
hesitates. He holds it over another and does the same.
He looks at the clock again: 3:00AM. He looks down at his
hand and instead of holding a receipt he is now watching a
YouTube video about African Pigs. He slams his head on the
desk. Trying to contain his fury, he mimes flipping the
table.
He pulls out his phone and dials in a number. He’s become
desperate.
JACKIE
(English)
Hi, I need help. I don’t know what
I’m doing. Every time I think I
know what to do, the rules change,
and I’m lost again. My heart. It’s
tired. Two by-pass surgeries. Two
of them. I can’t afford another
one. I could have been a great
writer. Or maybe chef with his own
restaurant. But, no. This is how I
waste away my life. I just need to
know. Is it all worth it?
There is a pause on the other side of the phone.

PHONE OPERATOR
Of course its worth it! For only
69.99, TurboTax is a steal, when
you think of all of the time you
will save. No headache, no hassle!
Would you like to sign up for the
current tax year?
JACKIE
No, I’m being audited. The past 5
years. And I don’t know what to do.

PHONE OPERATOR
Oh, so you’re a returning customer
asking about our Audit Insurance
policy?
JACKIE
No.
PHONE OPERATOR
Oh, I’m sorry. We can’t help you
with that, but if you want to avoid
being put in this situation again
we can get you signed up for a-
11.


Jackie hangs up. Everything hurts. He pulls out his
prescription pills, pops one, swallows without water.


FADE TO:

INT. CHAN APARTMENT BATHROOM - MORNING
Jackie sits on the toilet with the seat cover down. All we
hear is the sound of an empty shower RUNNING. Piles of
paperwork cover the floor and counter of the tiny bathroom.

He picks up a receipt and carefully converts a handwritten
"1" into a "7".


INT. CHAN APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS
Meanwhile, in the other room, we see Winona is adding sticky
notes to the only paperwork worse than taxes. Divorce
papers. The notes show her husband where to sign. She stands
up and walks to the door with a sigh.


INT. CHAN APARTMENT BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
Jackie gives up. He piles the paperwork into his briefcase.
He flushes the toilet and stands by the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jackie Chan hangs up the phone and prepares to leave the apartment, but Winona convinces him to stay and work on their taxes. Jackie is distracted by a doorbell ring and rushes out to attend to a customer at his laundromat. The scene transitions to a montage of various moments, including Jackie dealing with an angry customer, discussing the messy paperwork with Winona, asking a customer for a 5-star review, feeding his catatonic father, and confronting a homeless man. The montage ends with Jackie and Winona arguing about deductions, with Jackie insisting on working alone. The scene concludes with Jackie feeling overwhelmed and calling a phone operator for help.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of stress and frustration
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Relatable concept
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in the timeline

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and desperation of the characters, while also providing some comedic moments. The dialogue is engaging and the conflict is palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene revolves around the challenges and frustrations of dealing with tax problems, which is relatable to many people. It also explores the strained relationship between Jackie and Winona, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie's attempts to deal with his tax issues while also juggling other responsibilities. It effectively portrays the mounting pressure and the obstacles he faces.

Originality: 7

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of the protagonist's tax problems and the unique cultural elements, such as the use of Cantonese and broken English in the dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. Jackie's desperation and frustration, as well as Winona's patience and concern, make them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and change in Jackie as he confronts his tax issues and the strain it puts on his relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a solution to his tax problems and alleviate his feelings of being overwhelmed and lost. This reflects his deeper need for stability and control in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the various challenges and tasks related to his tax issues, such as talking to the person pressing the assistance button and asking a customer for a review. This reflects the immediate circumstances and obstacles he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Jackie struggles with his tax issues and the pressure it puts on his relationship with Winona. There is also some external conflict with the auditors and the homeless man.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, but it is not overly difficult to overcome. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will handle the challenges he faces.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily personal and financial. Jackie's future and his relationship with Winona are at risk if he can't resolve his tax issues. While not life-or-death stakes, they are significant for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict of the tax issues and the strain it puts on Jackie and Winona's relationship. It sets up the challenges they will face and the potential for growth and resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected situations and reactions, such as Jackie's desperate phone call and the humorous encounter with the customer. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Jackie's belief that immigrants are being targeted and his wife's more practical approach to dealing with their tax problems. This challenges Jackie's worldview and highlights the tension between his idealism and the reality of their situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from stress and frustration to moments of humor and empathy. The audience can empathize with Jackie's struggles and feel the tension in his relationship with Winona.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflects the characters' emotions and personalities. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Jackie and Winona, as well as their underlying love and concern for each other.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable conflicts and challenges faced by the protagonist, as well as humorous moments and authentic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the chaotic world of the characters and their struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and humor. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events keep the scene engaging and maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. It effectively conveys the progression of events and the interactions between characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a clear description of the setting and the appearance of the main character, Jackie Chan. However, the description of Jackie's appearance could be more specific and vivid to help create a stronger visual image for the reader.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona is mostly effective in conveying their conflict and the tension between them. However, there are moments where the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural, particularly when they switch between Cantonese and broken English. It might be more authentic to stick to one language throughout the scene.
  • The montage sequence is a creative way to show the passage of time and Jackie's various interactions, but it feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear narrative thread. It might be helpful to establish a stronger connection between the different moments and ensure that each one contributes to the overall story.
  • The ending of the scene, with Jackie feeling overwhelmed and calling a phone operator for help, is a powerful moment that effectively conveys Jackie's emotional state. However, the transition to the next scene in the bathroom feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There are some moments of humor and emotion throughout the scene, but they could be further developed and enhanced to create a stronger emotional impact on the reader.
  • The visual elements described in the scene are generally effective in helping to visualize the setting and the characters' actions. However, there could be more attention to detail and specific visual cues to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the description of Jackie's appearance to provide more specific details that help to create a vivid image in the reader's mind.
  • Reevaluate the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to ensure that it feels natural and authentic, and consider sticking to one language throughout the scene.
  • Refine the montage sequence to establish a stronger narrative thread and ensure that each moment contributes to the overall story.
  • Smooth out the transition between the ending of the scene and the next scene in the bathroom to create a more seamless flow.
  • Further develop the moments of humor and emotion to create a stronger emotional impact on the reader.
  • Pay attention to detail and include specific visual cues to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.



Scene 3 -  Divorce Preparations and Confusion
INT. CHAN APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS
Winona approaches the door, silently rehearsing to herself
what she is going to say.

SPLITSCREEN: INT. APARTMENT/INT. BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS

Jackie and Winona are standing on opposite sides of the
door, both paralyzed. They take turns reaching for the door.
Winona goes to knock, Jackie reaches for the knob. They both
pull back. They both inhale at the same time.
And then suddenly:
JACKIE WINONA
Winona, I need to tell- Jackie, we need to talk-
12.


Winona reaches for the knob, just as Jackie pushes open the
door. The door slams into Winona’s face. She YELPS in pain,
drops the divorce papers, and slams the door shut which now
smashes into Jackie’s face as well, causing him to drop his
briefcase, sending the tax paperwork everywhere.
Both their noses are bleeding, blood dribbling onto the
paperwork.

INT. CHAN APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
Jackie turns on the sink quickly and scrambles to throw the
paperwork back into the briefcase before she comes in. He
stuffs toilet paper up his nose.

JACKIE
Sorry! Don’t come in yet.

INT. CHAN APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS
Winona is doing the same, scrambling to pick up the divorce
papers. She stuffs a tissue up her nose
WINONA
That’s fine! Take your time!

SPLITSCREEN: INT. APARTMENT/INT. BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
JACKIE
Did I hit you with the door?
WINONA
No, no. It was just... a chair was
in the way.
JACKIE
Okay, good. Good.
They both manage to hide their respective papers and sit on
the floor exhausted, holding their noses.
WINONA
We should go. We’re going to be
late.
JACKIE
Yeah, we’re going to be late.

They both sit there a little longer.
13.


INT. CAR

Jackie and Winona sit in silence as Jackie drives. In their
own worlds. They eat noodles out of tupperware at the
stoplight.
WINONA
Hey. I know I had my doubts about
you preparing all of the paperwork
on your own, but I’m proud of you
for following through this time.
JACKIE
Don’t think of it. Caring for you
and the family is my duty.

They both smolder in the silence.

INT. IRS BUILDING LOBBY - LATER
Jackie and Winona walk in silence.

Winona eyes an elderly couple in front of them. They are
holding hands. Adorable. The couple stops by the restrooms.
She hands him her purse and they kiss before she enters the
restroom. Double Adorable.

Winona looks down at her hand that is only a few inches away
from Jackie’s. Distracted by his own thoughts, Jackie shifts
his briefcase to the hand closest to Winona’s. She crosses
her arms.

They enter the elevator.

INT. IRS ELEVATOR - THAT MOMENT
As the elevator doors close, Winona’s head snaps forward and
she springs into action. She pulls out an umbrella from her
over-sized purse and opens it up. The open umbrella covers
the security camera in the corner of the elevator.
JACKIE
(Chinese)
What are you-
WINONA
(English)
There is no time to explain. You
are in grave danger. Hold this.
14.


She shoves the umbrella into his hands. She rummages in her
purse and pulls out two out-dated blue tooth ear pieces and
places one in each of Jackie’s ears. She opens up a compact
mirror and twists one side, turning on a futuristic looking
interface. The blue tooth devices turn on and emit a
sweeping array of light that scans his head.
WINONA
We need to get you out of here
without attracting any unwanted
attention, so pay close attention:
When we leave this elevator, you
can either take a right towards
your scheduled audit appointment,
or you can take a left and go into
the janitor’s closet. Do not go
into the janitor’s closet.
JACKIE
Why would I go into-
WINONA
Not now.

She shuffles through her purse and pulls out a pen and some
papers with blood stains on them: the divorce papers.
Before Jackie can realize they are divorce papers, Winona
begins rapidly writing on the back.
JACKIE
Wait-

WINONA
Once you are situated in the
meeting, follow these instructions,
but remember: act normal. We can
not risk them finding us here.
She places the divorce papers with newly written
instructions into his hands.
JACKIE
But I-
WINONA
Shhh...
She places a hand gently on his cheek. She takes a moment to
look at him lovingly. Jackie shrivels under the intimacy.

Her mirror BEEPS: "100% SCAN COMPLETE"
15.


She twists the mirror shut. She closes the umbrella and
shoves everything into her purse.
She stands up straight as if nothing has happened.

WINONA
(side of mouth)
Talk to you soon.
Her head goes limp.
DING. The elevator door opens.

Winona’s head lifts up and she looks around disoriented.
WINONA
(Chinese)
Wow... what a fast elevator...
She walks out, leaving Jackie grasping for understanding. As
he leaves, his gaze lingers on the janitor closet to his
left.


INT. CUBICLE 9TH FLOOR - MORNING
The back of the crumpled divorce papers lay in Jackie’s
hands under a desk.
The first line reads: "1. Switch shoes to the wrong feet."
DESMOND (O.S.)
Mr. Chan... did you hear me?
Jackie hides the instructions in his lap and looks up.
DESMOND, a glistening, round IRS Tax Auditor in a cheap
suit, is poking at a calculator with one hand and squeezing
a hand grip strengthener in the other. Desmond stares at
Jackie, waiting for a response. Winona gives Jackie a look.
JACKIE
I’m sorry. Could you repeat the
question?
WINONA
I’m sorry, my husband, he is, how
do you say? Head in clouds? To
answer your question: Yes, that is
clear.
16.


DESMOND
Good.
JACKIE
(Chinese)
What is clear? What was the
question?
WINONA
Shhh...
Desmond scoffs at a receipt and shakes his head in disbelief
before placing a big red sticky note on the receipt and
placing it in a pile of other similarly marked receipts.
JACKIE
What does that pile mean?
DESMOND
We’ll get to them soon enough.
He takes a big swig from a canned protein shake before he
looks at another receipt, and rolls his eyes at it before
throwing it in the same pile.
Winona looks over at Jackie discouraged.
Jackie’s eyes fall on his shoes. He makes sure no one is
paying attention. He unties his shoes, and slowly slips both
feet out. He switches his shoes and reties them.
He sits up straight as his eyes scan the room to make sure
he wasn’t noticed. He reads the next instruction: "2. Close
eyes, imagine you are in the janitor’s closet."
Jackie takes a moment to digest this next instruction. He
shakes his head and laughs at himself. He closes his eyes.
We see an imagined POV of the closet door.

Suddenly the bluetooths in his ears VIBRATE and and a green
light blinks on.
He looks down at the final instruction: "3. Hold that
thought and press the green button. P.S. Don’t forget to
breathe."
Jackie breathes in and presses the button-
Like the sudden sensation of falling, Jackie finds himself
shooting past cubicle after cubicle across the entire floor.
He crosses through the janitor’s closet door and finally
stops abruptly inside the closet.
17.


INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET / CUBICLE SPLIT SCREEN - THAT MOMENT

The small closet is cluttered and dimly lit.
In a split screen we see half of Jackie is in the closet,
the other half is still in the tax audit. He looks all
around him in both worlds. What just happened?
Note: this split-screen continues for the rest of the scene.
INT. CUBICLE:
JACKIE
What is happening?
Desmond looks up, clearly frustrated.
DESMOND
I already told you... <continues to
speak indiscernibly>
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Winona and Jackie hesitate to open the apartment door, resulting in a collision that causes them both to bleed. They clean up and head to the car in silence, where Winona expresses pride in Jackie for preparing the divorce papers. At the IRS building, they notice an elderly couple holding hands. In the elevator, Winona covers the security camera and gives Jackie instructions. They part ways, and Jackie follows the instructions on the divorce papers, ending up partially in the janitor's closet and feeling confused.
Strengths
  • Effective comedic timing
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing introduction of mystery
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of humor and tension. The comedic moments are executed effectively, and the introduction of the mysterious elements adds intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, involving a couple preparing for a tax audit while dealing with relationship issues, is interesting and provides opportunities for both comedy and drama.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the couple's awkward interaction and the introduction of a mysterious situation. It is engaging and moves the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a couple going through a divorce and facing a tax audit is not entirely unique, the specific details and interactions between the characters add freshness to the familiar setup. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jackie and Winona are well-developed and their personalities and relationship dynamics are established effectively. Their actions and dialogue are consistent with their established traits.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and change in the future as the characters navigate their relationship and the mysterious situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the awkwardness and tension between him and his estranged wife while also following the instructions on the divorce papers. This reflects his deeper desire to maintain a sense of control and dignity in the face of a failing marriage.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully navigate his tax audit appointment and avoid drawing unwanted attention. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the IRS building.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters struggle with their emotions and the decision to confront each other. The introduction of the mysterious situation adds an external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are no major obstacles or conflicts, the tension between the characters and the challenges they face in their respective situations create a sense of opposition and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, with the main conflict being the characters' relationship issues and the potential danger of the mysterious situation. However, it creates intrigue and sets up higher stakes for future scenes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mysterious situation and setting up future events. It also establishes the dynamics between the characters and their motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected physical comedy moments, such as the door slamming into the characters' faces. The audience is also kept guessing about the true nature of the divorce papers and the protagonist's actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, including humor, tension, and curiosity. The physical comedy and the potential danger create a mix of emotions for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is witty and humorous, capturing the awkwardness and tension between the characters. It also effectively conveys important information and sets up future events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, tension, and relatable human interactions. The audience is drawn into the awkwardness and conflict between the characters, and the comedic moments provide moments of levity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of tension and moments of humor. The rhythm of the dialogue and the physical actions keeps the scene moving at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and presents a conflict that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a split screen, which can be confusing and disorienting for the reader. It's important to establish a clear visual and spatial understanding of the scene before introducing split screens.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona at the door feels a bit forced and unnatural. It would be more effective to show their hesitation and internal conflict through their actions and body language.
  • The physical comedy of the door slamming into both Jackie and Winona's faces can be funny, but it feels a bit over-the-top and unrealistic. It's important to strike a balance between comedy and believability.
  • The transition from the apartment to the bathroom is abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It would be helpful to provide a clearer transition or establish a new scene heading for the bathroom.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the bathroom feels a bit on-the-nose and lacks subtlety. It would be more effective to show their frustration and exhaustion through their actions and expressions.
  • The split screen between the apartment and the bathroom can be confusing and disrupt the flow of the scene. It's important to consider whether the split screen adds value to the storytelling or if it can be simplified.
  • The dialogue in the car lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be beneficial to explore the underlying emotions and conflicts between Jackie and Winona in a more nuanced way.
  • The introduction of the elderly couple in the IRS building lobby feels random and disconnected from the main story. It's important to ensure that all elements in the scene serve a purpose and contribute to the overall narrative.
  • The dialogue in the elevator between Jackie and Winona feels rushed and lacks clarity. It would be helpful to provide more context and explanation for the actions and instructions given by Winona.
  • The use of split screen throughout the scene can be distracting and confusing. It's important to consider whether the split screen adds value to the storytelling or if it can be simplified.
  • The transition from the elevator to the tax audit cubicle is abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It would be helpful to provide a clearer transition or establish a new scene heading for the cubicle.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Desmond in the tax audit cubicle feels disjointed and lacks a clear purpose. It would be beneficial to establish a stronger conflict or tension between the characters.
  • The use of split screen between the janitor's closet and the tax audit cubicle can be confusing and disrupt the flow of the scene. It's important to consider whether the split screen adds value to the storytelling or if it can be simplified.
Suggestions
  • Consider simplifying the scene by removing the split screens and focusing on clear and concise visual descriptions.
  • Develop the characters' internal conflicts and emotions through their actions, body language, and subtext rather than relying heavily on dialogue.
  • Ensure that the physical comedy elements are grounded in reality and believable within the context of the scene.
  • Provide smoother transitions between different locations and establish clear scene headings to guide the reader.
  • Deepen the emotional resonance of the dialogue by exploring the underlying conflicts and motivations of the characters.
  • Evaluate the relevance and purpose of each element introduced in the scene to ensure that they contribute to the overall narrative.
  • Clarify the instructions and actions given by Winona in the elevator to enhance the clarity and understanding of the scene.
  • Consider simplifying or removing the split screen elements to improve the flow and coherence of the scene.
  • Provide a smoother transition between the elevator and the tax audit cubicle to maintain a seamless narrative flow.
  • Establish a stronger conflict or tension between Jackie and Desmond in the tax audit cubicle to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
  • Reconsider the use of split screen between the janitor's closet and the tax audit cubicle to avoid confusion and maintain a clear visual focus.



Scene 4 -  Betrayal and Attack
INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET: Someone grabs Jackie and turns him
around. It’s Winona.

WINONA
Shhhh... Don’t talk. Act like
everything is normal. Try to go
into autopilot.
INT. CUBICLE: Jackie’s tense body begins to relax as he
tries an innocent smile towards his wife. Desmond continues
to ramble.

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET:
WINONA
They do not know I’m talking to you
here yet, so hopefully I’ll have
time to explain: I am not your
wife. At least not the one you
know. I am another version of her
from another life path, another
universe. I’m here because we need
your help.
JACKIE
What the hell?
Winona covers Jackie’s mouth.
WINONA
There is a great evil that has
taken root in my world and has
(MORE)
18.


WINONA (cont’d)
begun spreading its chaos
throughout the many verses. I have
spent years searching for the one
who might be able to match this
great evil with an even greater
good and bring order back to the
multiverse. All those years of
searching have brought me here. To
this universe. To you.
Jackie takes a moment to digest this information.
WINONA
I know its a lot to take in right
now but I need you to- <continues
to speak indiscernibly>

DESMOND (O.S.)
Mr. Chan... Hello?
INT. CUBICLE: Winona’s voice slowly fades away and the
split-screen focuses on what is happening in the cubicle.

DESMOND
Mr. Chan... Mr. Chan!
Jackie takes control of his body again in the tax meeting.

JACKIE
Yes! Yes I am here.
DESMOND
Mr. Chan I’m sure you have a lot on
your mind, but I cannot imagine
anything mattering more than this
conversation we are having right
now concerning your tax liability.

JACKIE
I know, I know. I am paying
attention.
DESMOND
Good. Then, can you explain this?
Desmond places a receipt on the table. Jackie looks at it.
JACKIE
Wait, what are we talking about?
19.


WINONA
(Chinese)
God, the building could be burning
and you’d still be stuck in your
own head.
DESMOND
I was just hoping you could
enlighten me on how, as a
laundromat owner, a karaoke machine
would constitute as a business
expense?

Jackie shrinks in embarrassment.
JACKIE
(meekly)
I am a singer.
DESMOND
What?
JACKIE
I. am. a. singer.
Desmond scoffs and shuffles through a pile of forms,
referencing them at random.

DESMOND
I see, and apparently you are also
a novelist, a part-time teacher, a
chef, a motivational speaker...
<continues to speak indiscernibly>
WINONA (O.S.)
Hey!

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET: Jackie’s attention is back in the
closet.

WINONA
Did you just miss everything I just
told you? I can’t afford to go over
it all again right now!
JACKIE
I’m sorry could we do this some
other time? I need to make sure the
government doesn’t take our
apartment.
(thinking)
Unless, you have a way to help me
fix my tax liability.
20.

Winona grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him in.
WINONA
I know you have a lot of things on
your mind, but nothing matters more
than this conversation we are
having right now concerning the
fate of your universe.
(she leans in)
My dear Jackie, I know you. You’re
reaching your twilight years. You
want to be able to look back and
say you did it right. You made a
difference. And with every passing
year, you fear that possibility is
slipping away. Well, now is your
chance. This is your moment. Don’t
let anything distract you from it.
Jackie turns towards these words like a flower to the sun.
He can’t help but glow.
INT. CUBICLE: Jackie smiles even in the cubicle.

DESMOND
Oh, so you think this is funny?
INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET: A loud BOOM shakes the door. Someone
is trying to get in.
WINONA
(gravely)
They know I’ve made contact.
JACKIE
What are they going to do?
WINONA
They are going to kill us.
JACKIE
What?!
Jackie quickly picks up a broomstick and moves away from the
door. Winona grabs him to calm him down.
WINONA
Do not worry, this is just a burner
universe we are using for
communication. The real you is
still sitting in that cubicle.

Suddenly a fist bursts through the door sending splinters
everywhere. It grabs Winona’s face.
21.

WINONA
(calmly)
One day it will be your time to
fight, but until then, get out of
here. Stay low and out of sight. I
will be in contact soon. Trust no
one.
Another fist bursts through. Both hands grab hold of her
head and SNAP HER NECK. She falls over dead.
The hands open the door. They belong to Desmond. Only he is
different. He is robotic and precise in his movements.
He punches a hole in the wall and pulls out a metal pipe.
JACKIE
No! NO! NO!

Desmond hits Jackie’ across the face with a deadly KLUNK. As
his head snaps to the side, the split screen swings away:
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Winona reveals to Jackie that she is from another universe and needs his help to fight a great evil. While in a tax meeting, Jackie is distracted by Winona's voice in his head. Desmond confronts Jackie about his tax liability and later kills Winona. He then attacks Jackie with a metal pipe, leaving him in danger.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of multiple universes
  • Effective establishment of high stakes and conflict
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be clearer and more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the high stakes and introduces the main conflict of the story. It creates a sense of mystery and tension, leaving the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of multiple universes and the idea of a protagonist being approached by a version of his wife from another universe is intriguing and sets up an engaging premise for the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist, Jackie, being approached by Winona, who reveals the existence of a great evil in her universe and the need for his help. The plot effectively introduces the main conflict and sets up the protagonist's journey.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's role in saving them is not entirely unique, the specific circumstances and the blend of ordinary and extraordinary elements add freshness to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jackie and Winona are introduced and their relationship is established. Jackie's initial confusion and disbelief, as well as Winona's urgency and determination, create intrigue and make the audience invested in their journey.

Character Changes: 8

The character of Jackie undergoes a significant change in this scene, transitioning from confusion and disbelief to a sense of purpose and determination. This sets up his character arc for the rest of the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and accept the truth about the existence of multiple universes and his role in saving them. This reflects his deeper desire for purpose and making a difference in the world.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix his tax liability and prevent the government from taking his apartment. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in his everyday life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Winona reveals the existence of a great evil and the imminent danger they face. The tension is further heightened by the sudden attack and Winona's death.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges both in his ordinary life (tax liability) and in the extraordinary revelation of multiple universes and the threat to his existence. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the protagonist is faced with the knowledge of a great evil and the threat of being killed. The audience is immediately drawn into the urgency and danger of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict, establishing the protagonist's role in it, and creating a sense of urgency and danger. It leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the revelation of multiple universes, the protagonist's role in saving them, and the sudden appearance of a robotic antagonist. These elements keep the audience guessing and create suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's ordinary, mundane life and the extraordinary, fantastical revelation of multiple universes and the responsibility to save them. This challenges his beliefs, values, and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of fear, urgency, and shock. The audience is emotionally invested in the fate of the characters and their mission to save the multiverse.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the information about the multiverse and the conflict, while also revealing the personalities and motivations of the characters. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious and fantastical concept, creates suspense and intrigue, and ends with a cliffhanger. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience curious and invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and tension. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and eager to know what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions are properly formatted and organized.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a specific location and introduces the characters and their goals. The scene progresses with dialogue and action, leading to a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong introduction of Winona entering the janitor's closet and revealing her true identity. However, the dialogue between Winona and Jackie feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development and clarity.
  • The transition between the janitor's closet and the tax meeting is abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of the change in location.
  • The dialogue in the tax meeting feels a bit disjointed and could be more focused. There are moments where it's unclear what Jackie is referring to or what Winona is trying to convey.
  • The tension and suspense build up well with the revelation that someone is trying to break into the closet. However, the climax of Winona's death and Jackie's attack by Desmond feels rushed and lacks emotional impact.
  • The split-screen technique used to show both the janitor's closet and the tax meeting is effective in creating tension, but it could be utilized more consistently throughout the scene to enhance the visual storytelling.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and details to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and enhance the reader's immersion in the story.
Suggestions
  • Take the time to develop the dialogue between Winona and Jackie, allowing for more clarity and depth in their conversation about the great evil and the fate of the multiverse.
  • Smooth out the transition between the janitor's closet and the tax meeting by providing a clearer indication of the change in location, such as a brief description or a line of dialogue.
  • Refine the dialogue in the tax meeting to make it more focused and coherent, ensuring that the intentions and motivations of the characters are clear to the reader.
  • Build up the climax of Winona's death and Jackie's attack by Desmond by adding more emotional beats and descriptive details to heighten the tension and impact of these moments.
  • Consistently utilize the split-screen technique throughout the scene to enhance the visual storytelling and create a more dynamic and engaging reading experience.
  • Add more visual descriptions and details throughout the scene to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and immerse the reader in the world of the story.



Scene 5 -  Meltdown in the Audit
INT. CUBICLE 9TH FLOOR - THAT MOMENT

Jackie’s head snaps to the side as he SCREAMS.
JACKIE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He slowly opens his eyes and realizes he is still in the
audit. Everyone in the office is looking at him.
DESMOND
Good lord.
WINONA
Is everything okay?
Jackie stands up.
JACKIE
Yes, yes of course, everything is
very very okay. But I think I have
to go. I forgot something at home-
DESMOND
Sit down.
Jackie meekly smiles. He looks from Desmond to Winona,
checking to make sure they are really Desmond and Winona.
Jackie sits. Desmond leans in suspiciously.
22.


DESMOND
Is there something you’re not
telling me, Mr. Chan?
JACKIE
Of course not, me? I am a book that
is very open. Nothing to hide.
DESMOND
You think I’m stupid.
JACKIE
No of course not.
Jackie looks to Winona for guidance. She looks just as
scared. Jackie’s body tenses as he clenches his fist below
the desk. Desmond takes his time with his words.
DESMOND
You know, people look at me, and
hear what I do for a living, and
they think "numbers guy, how
boring." But when I look at this
sea of digits and decimals, I see a
story: a dramatic retelling of your
year- no, your life.
He holds up their tax returns and flips through the pages.
Jackie is mostly noticing sharp objects that could be used
as weapons: scissors, a trophy, a letter opener.
DESMOND
So when I start seeing these red
flags pile up, they stop looking
less like mistakes, and start
looking like a man desperate to
hide something- Do you know how
these types of stories end, Mr.
Chan.

JACKIE
I’m sorry, what are you saying?
DESMOND
I’m saying that either you’re
absolutely delusional, or you are
committing fraud to my face.
Jackie quickly pulls out his phone and translates
"delusional". Jackie stands up angrily.
23.

JACKIE
I am not delusional-
Winona grabs his hand and sits him down in his chair. The
divorce papers fall from his pocket onto the ground.

WINONA
Sorry, my husband confuses his
hobbies for businesses. An honest
mistake!
Jackie looks at his wife, hurt. She ignores him.
DESMOND
With this many ’honest mistakes,’
even if you aren’t charged with
fraud, we’ll still have to fine you
for gross negligence.
WINONA
We don’t understand how this all
works, but we are learning. Please
let us go home and fix this. Can we
reschedule?
Desmond crushes his protein shake bottle. Jackie clenches
his fists in anticipation.

DESMOND
Tomorrow morning. 9am. Last chance.
WINONA
Thank you. 9am. Thank you.
As they slowly get up and leave the cubicle, Desmond’s stare
never leaves Jackie.
As Winona grabs her purse, she sees the divorce papers that
fell out of Jackie’s pocket. She picks them up, confused.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary During an audit on the 9th floor, Jackie has a meltdown and screams, but tries to downplay it. Desmond and Winona suspect fraud and question Jackie, who becomes defensive and angry. However, Winona saves the situation by claiming it was an honest mistake. They are given one last chance to fix the errors before the scene ends with Jackie and Winona leaving the cubicle.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Humorous moments
  • Clear character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of visual description

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates tension and humor through dialogue and character interactions. The stakes are high as the protagonist is accused of fraud, and the emotional impact is significant as the protagonist's relationship with his wife is strained.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an audit and the protagonist's attempt to hide his mistakes while being confronted by the auditor is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the protagonist is caught in a lie and faces the consequences of his actions. The conflict between the protagonist and the auditor adds tension and drives the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the office setting and the conflict between an auditor and the person being audited are familiar elements, the specific dynamics and dialogue in this scene bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clear. The protagonist's desperation and the auditor's suspicion create compelling dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist experiences a shift in his perception of his actions and the consequences he faces. His relationship with his wife also undergoes strain.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Desmond and Winona that he is not hiding anything and that he is not committing fraud. This reflects his deeper need to maintain his reputation and avoid any legal consequences.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being charged with fraud and to convince Desmond to let him go home and fix the mistakes. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in the audit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist and the auditor is intense and drives the scene. The stakes are high as the protagonist's reputation and financial well-being are at risk.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Desmond suspects Jackie of fraud and confronts him about it. The audience is unsure of how Jackie will respond and whether he will be able to convince Desmond of his innocence.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist's reputation, financial well-being, and relationship with his wife are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the protagonist's deception and setting up the consequences he will face in the next scene.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about whether Jackie is guilty of fraud or not. The tension and uncertainty surrounding his actions and the reactions of the other characters add to the unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between honesty and deception. Desmond suspects that Jackie is hiding something and accuses him of committing fraud. This challenges Jackie's belief in his own honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes anxiety, confusion, and hurt through the protagonist's reactions and the strained relationship with his wife.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' personalities and conflicts. The humorous moments provide relief amidst the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with a sense of mystery and suspense. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and eager to know the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear establishing shot and introduces the characters and their goals. The conflict escalates gradually, leading to a climax and a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sudden and dramatic shift in tone as Jackie screams, which may feel jarring and out of place considering the previous scenes.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Desmond feels a bit forced and unnatural, with Jackie's attempts to hide something and Desmond's suspicions coming across as cliché.
  • The use of Jackie noticing sharp objects as potential weapons feels contrived and doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The interaction between Jackie and Winona lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to fully invest in their relationship and the stakes of their situation.
  • The resolution of the conflict feels rushed and lacks a satisfying payoff, with Desmond giving them one last chance without much build-up or tension.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create a better flow and maintain the audience's interest.
  • The dialogue could be more nuanced and authentic, with characters expressing their emotions and motivations in a more organic and believable way.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the opening of the scene to create a smoother transition from the previous scenes and establish the tension and conflict more gradually.
  • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Desmond to make it more unique and specific to their characters, avoiding clichés and predictable exchanges.
  • Reconsider the use of Jackie noticing sharp objects as potential weapons, and instead focus on more meaningful and character-driven actions.
  • Deepen the emotional connection between Jackie and Winona by exploring their history and motivations, allowing the audience to empathize with their struggles.
  • Build up the conflict between Jackie and Desmond more effectively, increasing the stakes and creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.
  • Introduce more visual elements and actions that enhance the storytelling and provide a visual representation of the characters' emotions and conflicts.
  • Refine the pacing of the scene by trimming unnecessary dialogue and actions, and focusing on the most impactful moments.
  • Work on the dialogue to make it more authentic and nuanced, allowing the characters to express their emotions and motivations in a natural and believable way.



Scene 6 -  Escape and Betrayal
INT. 9TH FLOOR HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Jackie briskly pulls Winona towards the elevator
periodically looking behind his shoulder.
JACKIE
We have to get out of here.
Meanwhile, Winona looks at the unsigned divorce papers and
stops in her tracks. She puts her hand over her mouth.

Jackie stops and looks past Winona to see Desmond charging
out of his cubicle in their direction. He’s coming for them.
24.

WINONA
(whispered)
I understand why you were acting so
strange. I’m sorry you had to find
out like this.

JACKIE
What are you talking about?
Winona holds up the divorce papers. From Jackie’s
perspective all he sees are the written instructions, from
Winona’s perspective she sees divorce papers.
JACKIE
You know about this?
WINONA
Of course... this came from me.
JACKIE
What do we do now?
WINONA
We cannot avoid having this fight.
JACKIE
Right now?

WINONA
What else is there to do? We can’t
just run away from this. I’m sorry.

Jackie looks behind Winona and sees Desmond is getting
closer. He understands. He stops and turns to Winona.
JACKIE
Winona, I know that I’ve let you
down in so many ways over the years
that you’ve stood by my side. You
must see me as failure, both as a
father and a husband.
Winona leans in close. Her eyes begin to water.
JACKIE
And that’s why I’m going to prove
you wrong.
WINONA
What...?

Jackie pushes past Winona and PUNCHES Desmond in the face.
Desmond’s body crumples on the ground.
25.


WINONA
What are you doing?!!
Jackie sees Desmond is holding Jackie’s briefcase that he
had left behind. The triumphant look on Jackie’s face fades
away as he begins to realize he has made a grave mistake.
Desmond cowers in fear with his hands over his head. People
run over to see what the commotion is about.
DESMOND
Help! Call security!

Jackie looks at Winona hoping for some clarity.
WINONA
Jackie... You can’t just hit
people!
JACKIE
You told me to do it!
WINONA
Are you CRAZY?!
JACKIE
I never want to hurt anyone. You
said its time to fight!
WINONA
I was talking about us.

Winona lifts up the crumpled up divorce papers.
JACKIE
(reading)
"Dissolution of marriage"?
DESMOND
(oh phone)
Yes! I’m on floor 7. I don’t know
what he wants, I don’t know if he’s
armed...
Desmond has a phone pushed to his ear as he pulls tissues
from a box and begins to wipe his bleeding nose.
Jackie grabs Winona’s shoulders and begins moving them away.
Bystanders watch cautiously as they tip-toe by.
JACKIE
Who gave you those?
26.

WINONA
Nobody gave them to me. We’re not
happy, Jackie.
Jackie and Winona walk briskly towards the elevator.

JACKIE
Your sister gets divorced and now
you think divorce is okay!
WINONA
I don’t think it’s okay!
JACKIE
Then what are you doing? We love
each other! Right?

Winona stops, forcing Jackie to turn around.
WINONA (CONT.)
Jackie... I just wish you and I...
She slowly lowers her head as if to hide her tears.

Suddenly Winona’s head shoots up. Her eyes penetrate
straight through Jackie and she switches back to English:
WINONA
(English)
I told you to stay low and out of
sight.

Winona grabs Jackie and they run towards the elevators.
JACKIE
I thought they were after me!
WINONA
You’ll know when they’re after you.
Winona rapidly taps the elevator call button.
The elevator door opens. It’s filled with security guards.
WINONA
They’re after you.
DESMOND (O.S.)
That’s him. The Chinese guy!
Desmond stands with an accusatory finger aimed at Jackie.

One security guard slowly exits the elevator with a hand on
his holster and the other hand cautiously reaching out.
27.

GUARD
Everyone remain calm. I’m going to
need you two to lie down on the
ground with your hands behind your
head.

Jackie obediently begins to lie down.
Winona reaches down and takes Jackie’s blue tooth from his
ears and places them in her own. She does not lie down.
GUARD
Ma’am, please comply. We do not
want any trouble.
Winona reaches into her purse. The security guards all draw
their weapons.
She pulls out her lipstick. The guards all relax.
GUARD
Whatever you are thinking about
doing, don’t do it.

She pops open the lipstick cap, twists it to fully extend
the stick, and then she eats the whole thing.
GUARD
Ma’am...?
She chews and chews. The guards all lower their guns,
confused

The bluetooth VIBRATES and glows GREEN. She presses the
button. Her head snaps back as if kicked back by a shotgun.
She opens her eyes and flashes a devious smile to Jackie.

A security guard walks over and reaches to grab her arm.
GUARD
Okay, that’s enough-
Winona suddenly grips his arm and snaps it behind his back.
He falls to his knees in pain. She axe kicks his head.
Just as the guards are about to fire their pistols. She
swings her leg in a large arc, knocking their guns from
their hands. As they charge in to grapple her and take her
down with their batons, she deftly fights her way out of the
tangle. All of a sudden, she is an incredible fighter.

From the floor Jackie watches in SLOW MOTION, as his wife
fights off every last guard. Confused. Impressed. In love.
28.


Winona knocks the last guard out. Everyone is frozen unsure
of what to do.
Suddenly an ALARM begins to blare across the entire
building. Everyone begins to frantically run for an exit.
Jackie stands up panicked and confused.
JACKIE
Do you really want to divorce me?
Winona slaps him.
WINONA
I’m not the Winona who wants to
divorce you, I’m the Winona who is
saving your life.
She picks him up like a fireman and runs away.
WINONA
But, you should just try to be
nicer to the Winona who wants to
divorce you. She’s going through a
lot right now.

CLOSET UNIVERSE - INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET

Jackie and Winona’s dead bodies lie in a pile on the floor.
A small boot steps into the foreground. Its Jobu. She looks
down at the bodies. She reaches down and pulls the earpiece
from Jackie’s ear and examines it.
Behind her, Desmond stares ominously at the evidence.
JOBU
Not this one.
Jobu tilts her head back. She can hear something: THE
GARBLED SOUND OF A FUZZY RADIO SIGNAL.
Jobu rotates her head and Click! Click! click! We wind
through different universes:
CLICK - She’s stuck in traffic.
CLICK - She’s working as a barista at a cafe.
CLICK - She’s in her apartment with her wife eating lunch.

The FUZZY RADIO SIGNAL suddenly becomes clear:
29.
Genres: ["Action","Drama"]

Summary Jackie pulls Winona towards the elevator while periodically looking behind his shoulder. Winona looks at the unsigned divorce papers and stops in her tracks. Desmond charges out of his cubicle towards them. Winona reveals that she knows about the divorce papers and they argue about their relationship. Jackie punches Desmond in the face, but realizes he made a mistake when he sees Desmond holding his briefcase. Desmond calls for security. Jackie and Winona argue about divorce while running towards the elevators. Winona eats a lipstick and fights off the security guards. An alarm starts blaring and everyone runs for an exit. Winona reveals she is saving Jackie's life and they escape together. The scene ends with Jackie and Winona's dead bodies in a janitor's closet and Jobu examining Jackie's earpiece.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Effective dialogue
  • Surprising twist
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shift in tone and genre

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of action and emotional moments. The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' feelings and motivations. The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds excitement and intrigue to the scene. The only weakness is the confusion caused by the sudden shift in tone and genre.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a couple facing a divorce while being chased by security guards is interesting and creates tension. The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds a unique element to the scene. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre, which may confuse the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and engaging, with a clear goal for the characters (escaping the security guards) and obstacles they must overcome (the divorce papers and the guards). The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds excitement and raises the stakes. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of characters trying to escape from someone who is chasing them is familiar, the use of different languages and the unexpected twist of the protagonist's wife being a skilled fighter adds a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively conveyed through dialogue and actions. Jackie's realization of his failures and determination to prove himself adds depth to his character. Winona's conflicted feelings and her unexpected fighting skills make her a compelling character. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Character Changes: 8

Jackie experiences a significant character change in the scene, realizing his failures and making a commitment to prove himself. This change adds depth to his character and drives the plot forward. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove to his wife that he is not a failure as a father and husband.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the person who is chasing them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing both internal and external conflicts. The internal conflict between Jackie and Winona regarding their relationship and the external conflict with the security guards create tension and drive the scene. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is being chased by someone and faces obstacles in trying to escape. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of divorce and being chased by security guards. The twist of Winona's fighting skills raises the stakes even further. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and raising the stakes for the characters. The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds excitement and intrigue. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists, such as the protagonist's wife being a skilled fighter and the sudden alarm blaring in the building. These elements keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the characters expressing regret, confusion, and love. The audience can empathize with their struggles and feel the tension and intensity of the situation. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The apology and confession of failures by Jackie and Winona's explanation of her feelings add depth to the scene. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it is filled with action, suspense, and unexpected twists. The fast-paced dialogue and the characters' desperate situation keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with a clear setting and introduces the conflict, builds tension, and resolves with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a sense of urgency as Jackie pulls Winona towards the elevator, but it quickly becomes confusing and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona lacks clarity and purpose. It's not clear why Winona suddenly reveals that she knows about the divorce papers and wants to have a fight right then and there.
  • The transition from Jackie punching Desmond to Winona fighting off security guards feels abrupt and out of place. It's not clear how Winona suddenly becomes an incredible fighter.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or payoff. It ends with Jackie and Winona's dead bodies in a janitor's closet, which leaves the reader with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose and motivation behind Winona revealing that she knows about the divorce papers. Is she trying to provoke a reaction from Jackie or is she genuinely hurt?
  • Develop the fight scene between Winona and the security guards more organically. Show how she gains the upper hand and why she is suddenly an incredible fighter.
  • Consider reworking the ending to provide a clearer resolution or cliffhanger. It's important to leave the reader with a sense of closure or anticipation for what comes next.



Scene 7 -  Escape and Verse Jumping
INT. JOBU’S APARTMENT

NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)
... while there have been reports
of several injuries, there has
still been no word on who was
behind the attack and what their
motives may have been...
Jobu’s head turns sharply in the direction of the TV.
On the TV, we can see a helicopter shot of crowds of people
exiting the IRS Building.

BECKY
Can we turn that off? I’m sick of
all this bad news, every single-
Jobu abruptly stands up and leaves her half eaten sandwich
on the table. She marches towards the door, scooping up
their orange house cat, LINUS, on her way out.
BECKY
Where are you going?

JOBU
(without looking)
Don’t follow me.

She’s out the door.
Becky runs to the window and watches in horror as Jobu steps
onto their cat’s back, and pulls it’s tail up, shape
shifting it into a handlebar shape.
With a rev of Linus’ tail, the cat’s mouth opens, a jet of
fire bursts from his throat, and Jobu rockets off down the
street.
Becky looks on in disbelief.


INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR HALLWAY - LATER
Winona is pulling Jackie along through the hallway. They are
passing small groups of frantic civilians running to safety.
JACKIE
But my wife never learned to fight.
WINONA
Not in this life.
30.


JACKIE
So you know how to fight?
WINONA
Not in my life either.
JACKIE
How many Winonas are there?
WINONA
A lot. I know it gets confusing.
You can call me Alpha Winona, I’m
from the Alphaverse.
JACKIE
Alphaverse? That sounds stupid.
ALPHA WINONA
You were the one who came up with
the name, remember? How much of my
speech in the closet did you
actually hear?

JACKIE
(lying)
Most of it.
Winona suddenly stops at a corner and puts her hand up.
She’s listening to something.
She starts doing a dance. The Y.M.C.A to be exact.

She closes her eyes, presses the greet blue tooth button.
ALPHA WINONA
Two guards coming up the stairs.
Try to blend in.
JACKIE
What-
ALPHA WINONA
(pretend screaming)
Oh my god, oh my god, what is
happening?
Out of nowhere, a group of frantic civilians run past Winona
and Jackie. Winona grabs Jackie, still screaming, and joins
the group.
A door opens and two guards come running up the stairs. They
run right past the group, not noticing Jackie and Winona.
31.


As soon as the guards pass out of sight, Winona stops
screaming and pulls Jackie into a cubicle.


INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Winona is frantically searching the desk drawers for
something.
JACKIE
Alpha? I don’t remember naming
something Alphaverse.

ALPHA WINONA
Not you here. My Jackie. From my
universe.
The camera pushes into Winona’s head: We zoom through
countless universes until we reach:

ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

In a chair with an array of wires and cables flowing from
every angle, sits Alpha Winona. She pulls out a locket on
her necklace. Inside is a photo of Jackie. He’s got the
Steve Jobs glasses and turtleneck look.

ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
You were a brilliant man in my
world. But most people thought you
were crazy.

OFFICER #1
Setting course for another local
jump. Stand by for trajectory.

We reveal a dimly lit room filled with computer screens and
wires. A handful of people move from console to console,
pulling levers and switching knobs. It looks less like a
sci-fi movie and more like the back of a Radioshack. We see
an ever changing flow of data and graphics on the screens.
ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
In your search to prove the
existence of other universes, you
discovered a way to temporarily
create a link between your
consciousness and that of another
version of you, a counterpart in
another universe. While this
connection was maintained, you had
access to all of their memories,
(MORE)
32.


ALPHA WINONA (V.O.) (cont’d)
their skills, even their emotions.
You were in two places at once.

INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR CUBICLE - PRESENT UNIVERSE
JACKIE
Like the Janitor’s closet.
ALPHA WINONA
Exactly. It’s called Verse Jumping.

She finds an egg timer and twists it. It begins ticking as
she sets it down. She reaches under the desk feeling around
for something.
JACKIE
Did I come up with that name too?
ALPHA WINONA
That doesn’t matter right now.

Winona finds a piece of chewed up gum stuck under the desk.
She eyes it for a moment before popping it in her mouth.
Jackie is appalled.
She closes her eyes and presses the blue tooth.
ALPHA WINONA
(spitting out gum)
There is an empty office three
doors to the right, we run when I
say go.
Jackie backs away from her frustrated.

JACKIE
No! This is crazy... Why can’t your
Jackie do this?
ALPHA WINONA
My Jackie is dead.
Winona looks down for a moment. Beat.
ALPHA WINONA
Go.
JACKIE
What?
33.


Winona runs out of the cubicle. Jackie follows behind. They
enter into an office three doors down, just as another group
of security guards sweep past.

INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Jackie and Winona are lying under a desk just inches away
from each other. Winona stares into Jackie’s eyes lovingly.
He quickly looks away.
JACKIE
How did I die?
ALPHA WINONA
I’ve seen you killed a thousand
ways. In a thousand universes.
JACKIE
Why? Who wants me dead?
ALPHA WINONA
An evil interversal being with an
unimaginable power, Jobu Tupaki.
JACKIE
Are you just making up words now?

Winona puts her hand on Jackie’s lips.
BANG. Down the hallway, a door is kicked down.

Jackie and Winona both go quiet.
BANG. Another one. Closer. Winona doesn’t seemed fazed.
Jackie can see boots through the crack of their office door.
They are about to open the door.
Suddenly a RINGING sound. It’s the egg timer. The boots all
leave the door.
Winona gets up and drags Jackie out the door. They run into
a stairwell.

INT. IRS STAIRWELL
They can hear police down the stairwell. They speak in
hushed whispers:
34.


ALPHA WINONA
We’ll have to find another exit.
Winona heads up the stairs. Jackie chases after her.

JACKIE
Wait. I don’t understand- why is
someone hunting me down?
ALPHA WINONA
I’ve been trying to answer that
question for years.

She opens the door to the next floor.
Genres: ["Action","Sci-Fi","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Jobu abruptly leaves his sandwich and transforms their cat into a handlebar shape, riding it out of the apartment. Meanwhile, Winona and Jackie hide from security guards in an office and discuss the concept of Verse Jumping. They hear police in the stairwell and plan to find another exit. The conflict of danger posed by security guards and the unknown entity hunting down Jackie is temporarily resolved as Winona and Jackie hide and plan their escape. The scene ends with them planning to find another exit to evade the danger.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Unique concept
  • Humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be further explored
  • Theme could be more developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and intriguing, with a mix of suspense, humor, and mystery. The concept of verse jumping adds an exciting and unique element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of verse jumping is innovative and adds depth to the story. It introduces the idea of multiple universes and the existence of different versions of the same character.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and keeps the audience engaged. The scene introduces the conflict of someone hunting down the protagonist and sets up the need for escape.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its blend of contemporary urban setting with fantastical elements. The concept of verse jumping and the use of a shape-shifting cat as a vehicle are fresh and unique. The dialogue and character interactions also have a distinct and authentic feel.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are interesting and have unique traits, such as Alpha Winona's knowledge of multiple universes and Jackie's connection to other versions of himself. However, there is room for further development and exploration of their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development, with Jackie learning about his other versions and the danger he is in. However, there is room for further exploration of character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Jobu's internal goal in this scene is to confront a threat and protect himself and possibly others. This reflects his need for control and his desire to be a hero.

External Goal: 7

Jobu's external goal in this scene is to escape the danger and find safety. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being pursued by an interversal being.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene has a high level of conflict, with the protagonist being hunted down and needing to escape. The tension is heightened by the presence of security guards and the need to blend in.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. The characters face obstacles and are pursued by security guards, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the protagonist being hunted down and needing to escape. The presence of security guards and the danger of being discovered adds to the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of verse jumping, establishing the conflict, and setting up the need for escape. It provides important information for the audience to understand the world of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces fantastical elements and unexpected plot twists, such as Jobu shape-shifting the cat into a vehicle. The audience is kept on their toes, not knowing what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of horror, surprise, and disbelief. The audience is invested in the characters' survival and wants to know more about the concept of verse jumping.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and humorous, adding to the overall tone of the scene. It also provides important information about the concept of verse jumping and the existence of multiple Winonas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of action, humor, and fantasy. The fast-paced dialogue and imaginative visuals keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The action sequences are well-paced, and the dialogue exchanges have a good rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the characters, establishes the conflict, and advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jobu abruptly leaving his sandwich and transforming their cat into a handlebar shape, which feels random and disconnected from the rest of the story. It's unclear why this moment is included and how it relates to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue between Winona and Jackie in the IRS 9th floor hallway feels forced and unnatural. The conversation about multiple Winonas and the Alphaverse is confusing and lacks clarity.
  • The transition to the AlphaVerse control room feels abrupt and disorienting. It's not clear how this scene connects to the previous one and what its purpose is in the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Alpha Winona and Officer #1 in the control room is exposition-heavy and lacks subtlety. It would be more effective to reveal this information through actions and visuals rather than relying on dialogue.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and suspense. The danger posed by security guards and the unknown entity hunting down Jackie is not effectively conveyed.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with some moments dragging on and others feeling rushed.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and engaging, helping to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader with unanswered questions and a lack of resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking the opening of the scene to better connect it to the main plot and establish a clear purpose for Jobu's actions.
  • Simplify the dialogue between Winona and Jackie in the IRS hallway, focusing on conveying essential information and character dynamics.
  • Reconsider the inclusion of the AlphaVerse control room scene and find a more seamless way to introduce the concept of multiple universes.
  • Find ways to show the danger and suspense through actions and visuals, creating a more engaging and immersive experience for the reader.
  • Work on pacing the scene to maintain a consistent level of tension and keep the reader engaged throughout.
  • Revise the visual descriptions to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting, helping to immerse the reader in the story.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the scene, either by answering some of the unanswered questions or setting up a clear direction for the next scene.



Scene 8 -  Desmond's Chase and Jackie's Leap
INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
The stairwell door slams shut behind them to reveal:
DESMOND
There you are.

Desmond stands behind them. He is wearing his own modified
bluetooth headset.
JACKIE
Oh, Mr. Desmond, I’m sorry I was
very confused before and-
Desmond picks up a post-it note and staples it to his
forehead. Jackie recoils.

JACKIE
What’s he doing?
ALPHA WINONA
He’s verse jumping. Run!
Desmond closes his eyes, clicks his GREEN blue-tooth. His
head cocks back. He opens his eyes and flips a table with
incredible strength.
Alpha Winona pushes a cabinet down in their way and they
begin to run.
The camera pushes into Winona’s head-
35.


ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

Everyone is jumping to their battle stations. The energy is
frantic.

OFFICER #1
He jumped somewhere: brute force.
Sumo wrestler? Body Builder?
ALPHA WINONA
Doesn’t matter. Counter with
someone agile.

We see a screen with a cluster of circles each representing
other universes. The interface rapidly scans the circles.
Three or four begin to blink.
OFFICER #2
On your outskirts we’ve got break
dancer, mime, gymnast-
ALPHA WINONA
Give me gymnast! Go!

On the screen, we see rapidly flashing images of gymnasts.
OFFICER #1
Calculating route...

INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

Meanwhile, Alpha Winona and Jackie search for
cover. Desmond flings cubicle walls and desks aside looking
for them.


ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
On one of the screens, we see random paths from a central
circle to a highlighted circle that reads "Gymnast". The
various paths flash rapidly like lightning bolts on the
screen. Finally one path solidifies. "ROUTE FOUND"
OFFICER #1
Paper cuts. Four of them between
each finger.
36.

INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
Winona spots some paper hanging from a bulletin board. She
rips some off and continues to run.

She starts trying to slice paper cuts in between her
fingers. But it’s not working.
ALPHA WINONA
Paper cuts only happen when you
aren’t trying. It’s impossible.
OFFICER #1 (O.S.)
Probability of 1 in 8 thousand.
It’s the strongest jumping pad
we’ve got.

Frustrated, Alpha Winona gets down on one knee and begins
concentrating on giving herself a paper cut.
JACKIE
What are you doing??!

SLICE. One down.
Desmond is closing in on them.
SLICE. Two down.

Desmond picks up a computer monitor and throws it. It barely
misses Jackie’s head.

JACKIE
Come on! We have to run.
SLICE. Three down.
Winona is struggling with the last paper cut.
SLICE. That’s four. Winona closes her eyes, the blue tooth
turns GREEN. Winona is about to press the button.
Desmond catches her hand just before she can hit it. He
lifts her tiny body up in the air with one arm.
He slowly plucks each blue-tooth out of Winona’s ears and
they tumble to the ground. Winona struggles to get out but
there’s no use, he has the grip of an arm wrestler.
He opens the door to a nearby staircase and throws her down
the stairwell. He shuts the door and pushes a large filing
cabinet in front of the door.
He turns. Jackie is all alone.
37.

ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
OFFICER #1
He’s gotta run.
ALPHA WINONA
Maybe he can jump. Somewhere he can
fight.

OFFICER #2
He’s not ready. A jump like that
will fry most people’s brains.
ALPHA WINONA
He’s not most people.

INT. STAIRWELL

Winona is trying to push through the door. It won’t budge.

INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

Jackie is crawling on his hand and knees through the
cubicles. Desmond has lost sight of him for the time being.
Jackie’s phone vibrates. Winona is calling him.

ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Jackie! Can you hear me? You’re
going to have to jump. You’re going
to have to fight.

JACKIE
No, no more fighting. Can’t we just
talk?
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Jackie! You are in a war now! You
can’t just kill the bad guys with
kindness!
Jackie lets this sink in. He spots the two blue-tooths on
the floor. He picks them up and places them in his ears.
JACKIE
Okay.
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Concentrate on a universe in which
you stuck with martial arts your
whole life.
38.

JACKIE
I only took three classes when I
was little boy!
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Just do it!
Jackie closes his eyes.


ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
On one of the screens we see rapidly flashing images: Kung
Fu masters, a baby crying, a deer in the headlights, etc.
OFFICER #2
He’s not concentrating. I’m having
trouble locking in on the verse.

The lightning strike patterns of paths begin blinking across
the screen. "CALCULATING PATH".


INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
As Jackie heads for a hallway, a desk crashes into the wall
blocking his path. Jackie turns and runs the other way.

JACKIE
(to Winona)
I’m gunna press the button.
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Wait! You have to profess your love
to Desmond.
JACKIE
What? Why?

ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
It’s like eating the lipstick. Or
switching your shoes.

ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
On the screen we see the highlighted path through the foam
of bubbles. We see the center universe marked Point A
(Current Verse) where Jackie is. Far outside from the
Current Verse is a highlighted universe marked Point C
(Fighter Universe). Along the path, on the outside of the
local cluster, is Point B (A Universe where Jackie professes
his love to his Attacker).
39.

ALPHA WINONA VO
It takes an immense amount of
mental energy to jump to far
universes. But you developed an
algorithm that calculates which
unlikely actions will suddenly put
you in a universe on the edge of
your local cluster, giving you the
momentum needed to reach your
desired counterpart. It’s your
jumping pad.
Genres: ["Action","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Desmond catches up to Alpha Winona and Jackie in the IRS building and begins verse jumping. Alpha Winona and Jackie try to escape while Alpha Winona communicates with the control room to find a counter. Jackie is urged to jump to a universe where he is a skilled fighter and must profess his love to Desmond to gain the momentum needed to reach his desired counterpart. The scene ends with Jackie jumping to a universe where he is a skilled fighter and professing his love to Desmond, gaining the momentum needed to reach his desired counterpart.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Unique concept
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and filled with intense action and suspense. The concept of verse jumping and using paper cuts as a jumping pad is unique and innovative. The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and excitement of the scene. The theme of fighting against a powerful enemy is effectively portrayed. The conflict level is high, and the emotional impact is strong. The scene moves the story forward and raises the stakes for the characters. The strengths of the scene include its intense action, unique concept, and well-developed characters. The weaknesses are minimal and do not significantly impact the overall quality of the scene.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of verse jumping and using paper cuts as a jumping pad is highly innovative and adds a unique element to the scene. It creates a sense of urgency and danger for the characters as they try to escape from Desmond.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene introduces the concept of verse jumping and establishes the conflict between the characters and Desmond. It sets up the action and suspense that follows in the scene.

    Originality: 9

    The level of originality in this scene is high. The concept of jumping between parallel universes and the use of paper cuts as a jumping pad are unique and fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and excitement of the scene. Alpha Winona is determined and resourceful, while Jackie is initially hesitant but becomes more courageous as the scene progresses. Desmond is portrayed as a powerful and menacing antagonist.

    Character Changes: 8

    Jackie undergoes a character change as he initially hesitates to fight but eventually embraces his role in the battle. His transformation adds depth to his character and contributes to the overall tension and excitement of the scene.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear and reluctance to fight and embrace his role as a warrior in the war against Desmond. This reflects his deeper need for self-confidence and his desire to protect himself and others.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Desmond and find a way to fight back. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being pursued by a powerful enemy.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict level is high as the characters are pursued by Desmond and must find a way to escape. The scene is filled with intense action and suspense, raising the stakes for the characters.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is pursued by a powerful enemy and faces obstacles in his attempt to escape. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these challenges.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the characters are pursued by Desmond and must find a way to escape. Their lives are in danger, adding to the intensity and suspense of the scene.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of verse jumping and establishing the conflict between the characters. It sets up the action and suspense that follows in the scene.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the use of paper cuts as a jumping pad and the protagonist's need to profess his love to his attacker. These unexpected twists add to the tension and keep the audience guessing.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and his realization that he must fight in order to survive and protect others. This challenges his values and worldview.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes fear and determination in the audience. The intense action and suspense, coupled with the characters' struggles, create a strong emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds to the tension and suspense of the scene. The dialogue between Alpha Winona and Jackie highlights their contrasting personalities and their determination to fight against Desmond.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it combines intense action, witty dialogue, and a sense of urgency. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's journey and is invested in the outcome of the battle against Desmond.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are tightly woven together, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the reader engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and builds tension through action and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks clear and concise descriptions, making it difficult to visualize the actions and movements of the characters.
    • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, especially in the interaction between Jackie and Alpha Winona.
    • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with some moments feeling rushed and others dragging on.
    • There is a lack of emotional depth and tension in the scene, which is crucial for a tense and suspenseful tone.
    • The use of the AlphaVerse control room and the concept of verse jumping is introduced abruptly and without proper explanation, making it confusing for the audience.
    • The actions and decisions of the characters are not always clear or motivated, making it difficult to understand their intentions and goals.
    Suggestions
    • Provide more specific and vivid descriptions of the characters' actions and movements to enhance visual clarity.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
    • Ensure consistent pacing throughout the scene by balancing moments of action and dialogue.
    • Build tension and suspense by incorporating more internal thoughts and reactions from the characters.
    • Introduce the concept of verse jumping and the AlphaVerse control room earlier in the screenplay to provide proper context and understanding.
    • Clarify the motivations and goals of the characters to make their actions and decisions more believable and relatable.



    Scene 9 -  Jackie's Desperate Escape
    INT. 10TH FLOOR
    Jackie is quietly crawling through the cubicles, as Desmond
    stalks through the floor like a minotaur in his maze.
    JACKIE
    That doesn’t make any sense!
    ALPHA WINONA
    Exactly. The less sense it makes,
    the better. Tell him you love him.
    And mean it!
    Suddenly Desmond’s foot steps right in front of Jackie’s
    face. Jackie looks up at Desmond in terror.

    JACKIE
    (meekly)
    I love you?

    The earpiece blinks YELLOW. Jackie goes to press the button.
    ALPHA WINONA
    Wait! Jackie don’t-

    Jackie pushes the button.
    Jackie’s mind launches out the building and we land in the
    car with Jackie and Winona driving home.

    TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie and Winona are sitting in a car. Jackie suddenly
    realizes he is driving the car and swerves off into the
    breakdown lane.
    WINONA.TAXES
    What are you doing?!
    Jackie chokes on his words.
    40.


    ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

    ALPHA WINONA
    Where is he? Did he make it?

    ON SCREEN: We see the moment in the Audit where Jackie drops
    the divorce papers on the floor, only this time they never
    fall and Winona never sees them.
    OFFICER #1
    He’s in a divergent universe: he
    went home after the audit without
    an incident.
    ALPHA WINONA
    (gravely)
    He’s going home to finish his
    taxes.

    INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie panics and tries to punch Desmond. Desmond easily
    catches his wrist and twists it. Jackie screams out in pain.
    He laughs and slaps Jackie in the face over and over.


    TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie tries to conceal his pain.

    WINONA.TAXES
    I didn’t mean to spring it on you
    like this. Are you okay?
    JACKIE.TAXES
    (strained)
    Everything is fine.

    WINONA.TAXES
    I’m sorry, I had to do it like this
    because you never tell me whats in
    your head... and before we get a
    chance to talk about it, you get
    pulled away by something else-
    An arm grabs Jackie’s collar and pulls him away-
    41.


    INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

    Desmond lifts Jackie over his own head like a professional
    wrestler. He throws Jackie through a cubicle wall. He rolls
    onto the floor, the wind is knocked out of him. The blue
    tooth light goes out: he’s disconnected. The split screen is
    gone.
    Jackie realizes he is right next to the stairwell that
    Winona is trapped in. Jackie rolls over and begins to push
    the cabinet out of the way from the door.
    ALPHA WINONA
    I’m sorry, Jackie. I gotta go.
    JACKIE
    What?

    INT. STAIRWELL
    Winona has her hand pressed against the door gently.

    ALPHA WINONA
    I need to find the right Jackie.
    And this one... I don’t think its
    the one. Sorry.

    Jackie pushes the cabinet away.
    JACKIE
    Wait, no! Let me try again!

    He swings open the door. He sees Winona standing in the
    stairwell. She looks utterly confused.
    WINONA
    (Chinese)
    Jackie! What’s going on?

    Alpha Winona is gone. Jackie shakes his head. He can hear
    Desmond approaching. He quickly pushes Winona back into the
    stairwell and shuts the door tight.
    WINONA
    Jackie! Your face.
    Jackie’s nose is bleeding and his face is bruised.
    JACKIE
    You left me. You just left me.
    42.

    WINONA
    I haven’t left you yet. I just want
    to talk about it.
    JACKIE
    That’s not what I’m talking about.
    WINONA
    What are you talking about?

    There is a loud BANGING on the door.
    WINONA
    What did you get us into this time?
    Her look of pained disappointment stabs Jackie in the heart.
    His bluetooth begins to malfunction and flash GREEN:


    TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie is back in the car.
    WINONA.TAXES
    I was just really hoping we could
    finish this audit without the usual
    back and forth. Without all the
    pain. But I don’t know why I
    expected this time to be different.

    Jackie looks down at the folded divorce papers he hides.

    INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

    Jackie looks up at Winona with a new determination.
    JACKIE
    I know what you think of me.
    WINONA
    What are you talking about?

    JACKIE
    You’re wrong. This time is
    different.
    He kicks open the door.
    Jackie turns to see Desmond leap off a desk and straight
    into the air right towards Jackie.
    On his knees he finally gives in.
    43.

    JACKIE
    (like a prayer)
    I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
    The blue-tooth turns GREEN. He presses the button.

    A shock goes through Jackie’s brain. Just as Desmond’s knee
    is about to make contact with Jackie’s nose, time slows down
    to a crawl.
    The camera patiently pushes into Jackie’s head: The camera
    moves through countless universes and stops:


    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT LIMOUSINE
    The Martial Arts Super Star Jackie lounges in his limo with
    a handful of handlers.
    Jackie rapidly downloads all of the memories that
    Jackie.Fighter has had since their significant life branch
    occurred.

    IN A QUICK SEQUENCE OF SHOTS, THE CAMERA IS PUSHING THROUGH
    VIGNETTES AS IF A TRAIN GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL. WE SEE:

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. HONG KONG AIRPORT - 1970S

    Jackie and Winona, in their early 20’s, Winona has her bags
    packed and ready to go.

    WINONA
    Can’t you see it? How wonderful it
    would be if you came with me?
    The screen fractures like a prism, and we see two options:
    one universe where Jackie follows her, and one where he
    doesn’t.
    We follow the universe in which Jackie.Fighter doesn’t:

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. HONG KONG BAR - LATER
    Jackie.Fighter is in a bar, getting drunk by himself.
    Someone knocks their bag into his head as they are walking
    by. Jackie.Fighter gets up and drunkenly pushes the man
    down. Cut forward in time:
    Jackie.Fighter is lying in the dirt outside bleeding.

    A foot steps into frame. Jackie looks up to see an old man
    with a long beard: classic Kung Fu Master. He beckons.
    44.


    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - EXT. WOODS - LATER

    Jackie.Fighter is going through all of the classic training
    montage moments: carrying buckets of water up and down a
    mountain, doing push ups, breaking clay pots with his fists,
    but its as if a movie is being fast forwarded.

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. KUNG FU COMPETITION
    Jackie.Fighter executes a perfect kick to his opponents
    face. SMASH CUT TO:

    He is being honored with a medal. He looks at his Master
    with a great pride. His Master bows his head. A man with a
    cigar and sunglasses seems very impressed.

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - SUPER STAR MONTAGE
    A montage of Jackie.Fighter working with the sunglasses man
    on a film set. Then another one and another one. We see a
    montage of Jackie Chan’s classic Chinese films.


    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. HONG KONG BEDROOM - LATER
    Many years have passed and now the Master is on his death
    bed. Jackie.Fighter huddles near the bed, holding his hands.
    MASTER
    ... never forget why you fight...

    The Master breathes his last breath. We push into
    Jackie.Fighter’s head:
    Genres: ["Action","Romance","Fantasy"]

    Summary In this tense and dramatic scene, Jackie crawls through cubicles while being stalked by Desmond. Alpha Winona instructs Jackie to tell Desmond that she loves him, and Jackie meekly complies. Jackie's mind then launches out of the building and into a car with Jackie and Winona driving home. In the car, Jackie realizes he is driving and swerves off the road. Meanwhile, in the control room, Alpha Winona learns that Jackie made it home safely. Back in the car, Winona expresses disappointment that they can't finish the audit without pain. Jackie's bluetooth malfunctions and he is pulled away by Desmond. Jackie is thrown through a cubicle wall and lands near the stairwell where Winona is trapped. He starts pushing a cabinet away from the door. Alpha Winona tells Jackie he has to go and that this version of him is not the right one. Jackie opens the door and sees Winona in the stairwell, but he pushes her back and shuts the door when Desmond approaches. Jackie kicks open the door and tells Winona he loves her before pressing a button on his bluetooth. Time slows down as Desmond's knee is about to hit Jackie's nose. The camera then pushes into Jackie's head and stops in a universe where Jackie becomes a martial arts superstar, ending the scene.
    Strengths
    • Intense action
    • Emotional depth
    • Suspenseful plot twists
    • Impactful dialogue
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a mix of intense action, emotional moments, and unexpected twists. The dialogue is impactful and the theme of love and sacrifice adds depth to the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of divergent universes and the ability to travel between them adds an intriguing layer to the story. It allows for exploration of different possibilities and creates suspense and tension.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The conflict between Jackie and Desmond escalates, leading to a pivotal moment where Jackie must make a choice.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its use of alternate universes and the concept of traveling between them. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and unique to their individual personalities.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are clear. Jackie's determination and love for Winona drive the plot forward, while Desmond's menacing presence adds tension.

      Character Changes: 8

      Jackie undergoes a significant change in this scene, from fear and confusion to determination and self-sacrifice. His love for Winona drives him to confront Desmond and protect her.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save his relationship with Winona and prove that this time is different. It reflects his deeper need for love and connection, as well as his fear of being abandoned and misunderstood.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Desmond and reach Winona in the stairwell. It reflects the immediate challenge of physical danger and the need to protect Winona.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between Jackie and Desmond is intense and physical, with high stakes involved. The scene also introduces the conflict between Jackie and Winona, adding emotional tension.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical danger from Desmond and emotional conflict with Winona. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in this scene, with Jackie risking his life to protect Winona and confront Desmond. The outcome of the conflict has significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between Jackie and Desmond, introducing the concept of divergent universes, and deepening the emotional connection between Jackie and Winona.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist traveling between different universes and the revelation of his past in the Fighter Universe. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between accepting his past mistakes and believing that he can change. It challenges his belief in his own worthiness and his ability to create a different future.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and confusion to love and disappointment. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters and their struggles.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and conflicts. The lines are well-written and contribute to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it combines action, emotion, and suspense. The reader is invested in the protagonist's journey and wants to see how he will overcome the challenges he faces.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The quick cuts between different universes and the intense dialogue keep the reader engaged and wanting to know what happens next.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is clear and easy to read.

      Structure: 7

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It effectively transitions between different locations and universes.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks clear and concise action descriptions, making it difficult to visualize the movements and interactions of the characters.
      • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially when Jackie meekly says 'I love you?' to Desmond.
      • The split screen technique is confusing and disrupts the flow of the scene.
      • The transition between different universes is abrupt and lacks smooth storytelling.
      • The emotional depth and tension between the characters could be further developed.
      • The visual elements are not effectively utilized to enhance the scene.
      • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with important moments not given enough time to breathe.
      • The conflict between Jackie and Desmond is not fully resolved in this scene, leaving the audience unsatisfied.
      Suggestions
      • Provide clearer and more detailed action descriptions to help the reader visualize the scene.
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
      • Consider using a different storytelling technique instead of the split screen to avoid confusion and maintain a smooth flow.
      • Create a smoother transition between different universes to improve the overall storytelling.
      • Focus on developing the emotional depth and tension between the characters to make their conflicts more impactful.
      • Utilize visual elements more effectively to enhance the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
      • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow important moments to have more impact and give the audience time to process the events.
      • Ensure that the conflict between Jackie and Desmond is fully resolved in this scene to provide a satisfying conclusion for the audience.



      Scene 10 -  Jackie's Emotional Overwhelm and Reunion with Winona
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR - ORIGINAL UNIVERSE
      We are back in the original Universe. Not even a second has
      passed since Jackie first connected. Time is frozen.
      A single tear is suspended from his eye.
      Jackie’s fists close tightly, and he inhales.
      TIME RESUMES LIKE A SLAP TO THE FACE.
      In one fluid motion, Jackie side steps the knee, and calmly
      grabs hold of Desmond’s arm mid-air. He slams him to the
      ground.

      Jackie looks at his hands. It worked.
      45.


      Desmond attempts to grapple him to the floor, but Jackie
      easily dodges the advance and kicks him with such a force
      that Desmond is sent sliding across the floor, head first
      into a filing cabinet. Desmond’s body lays limp on the
      ground.
      Jackie disconnects from the other universe and breathes
      heavily. Winona cannot process what she just saw her husband
      do. She runs over and lifts him up.
      WINONA
      Why did you... how... are you
      crying?
      Jackie bursts into tears.

      JACKIE
      I saw my life... without you... I
      wish you could have seen it...
      Winona is drawn in.
      JACKIE (CONT)
      ... it was beautiful.
      Winona pulls back to look him in the eyes. She begins to say
      something, but her head falls forward and snaps back up.
      Alpha Winona has returned.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Stay calm. This is completely
      normal. Your brain is under an
      incredible about of stress.
      JACKIE
      Wait... let me finish with my wife-

      Alpha Winona pulls him in and rubs his back like a baby.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Shhh, You’re not thinking straight.
      JACKIE
      No, I was saying something
      important-
      Suddenly Jackie hears VOICES. The bluetooth glitches. His
      eyes wince in pain-
      46.


      TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR

      Jackie is suddenly sitting in his car parked in front of
      their laundromat. Winona sits next to him waiting for an
      answer.
      WINONA.TAXES
      You finally have something to say?
      Jackie looks at her confused. Winona waits.
      JACKIE.TAXES
      Um. Let’s just finish our taxes.
      And then we can talk about it with
      clearer minds-

      Disappointed, Winona opens the door. Flashing lights hit
      Jackie’s face. We hear ROARING CROWDS, Jackie feels a fierce
      migraine pulse through his head:

      FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM

      Jackie looks and finds himself in front of a massive crowd.
      In the center of the stadium is a boxing ring.
      ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
      Jackie... Jackie!
      A hand grabs him and spins him around-


      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR - ORIGINAL UNIVERSE
      Alpha Winona grabs him and pulls him closer.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Are you with me?
      JACKIE
      I thought I was disconnected... why
      am I still there?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Most people don’t verse jump that
      far without months of training.
      JACKIE
      What?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Your mind’s like a clay pot. Every
      jump opens another crack- something
      (MORE)
      47.


      ALPHA WINONA (cont’d)
      will inevitably leak through. With
      enough training, you should be able
      to block it all out.
      JACKIE
      But, what if... I need to go back?

      Alpha Winona looks him sternly in the eye. And slaps him
      repeatedly.
      ALPHA WINONA
      SHUT IT DOWN. SHUT IT DOWN. ARE YOU
      WITH ME? ARE YOU WITH ME?? COME
      BACK!!!
      JACKIE
      I’m with you, I’m with you!

      Alpha Winona regains composure. Jackie is terrified.
      ALPHA WINONA
      You cannot think about those other
      lives like that. You are only using
      them to acquire special skills. Do
      you understand?
      As Jackie nods, Desmond begins to stir. Jackie picks up a
      potted plant to smash it on his head. Winona stops him.
      DESMOND
      What is happening... where is
      everyone?

      JACKIE
      He doesn’t remember?
      Alpha Winona quickly takes an extension cord and begins
      tying Desmond up.
      DESMOND
      Hey man... I’m sorry about before,
      during that meeting, I can get a
      little aggressive sometimes...
      ALPHA WINONA
      The man you were fighting wasn’t
      Desmond, your auditor.
      JACKIE
      Another Desmond from another
      universe, like you?
      48.

      ALPHA WINONA
      Another universe, overtaken by Jobu
      Tupaki. She has used her great
      power to brainwash entire
      populations into doing her bidding.
      They can be anyone: your neighbor,
      the bus driver, your auditor. This
      man is just a pawn in their game.
      She finishes tying him up.
      JACKIE
      And so is my wife?
      ALPHA WINONA
      You have to remember, we are
      fighting a war, and sometimes that
      requires us to stoop down to their
      level and- <continues to ramble>
      Jackie hears the CHEERING crowd from the stadium. He looks
      past Alpha Winona and sees into the stadium. He shakes his
      head and tries focusing on Alpha Winona. But the CHEERING
      comes back.

      FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM [SPLIT SCREEN]

      He is back in the stadium in the middle of a press
      conference. Suddenly everything goes quiet in Jackie’s head.
      Someone has just walked in: Winona.
      Jackie can’t help but be pulled in: The camera spins around
      Jackie’s head. He is completely in this universe now.
      Winona is smartly dressed, confident in her stride. Their
      eyes lock. Time slows. Romantic Music begins to play.

      JACKIE.FIGHTER
      Winona...
      He hasn’t seen her in 40 years and a hole in his chest has
      just been reopened. Jackie walks off the stage towards
      Winona. He pushes his way through the crowd.
      Everyone is staring at them.

      JACKIE.FIGHTER WINONA.FIGHTER
      What are you- What are you-

      JACKIE.FIGHTER WINONA.FIGHTER
      I’m sorry, you go- Wait, you go-
      49.


      They both shut up and stare at the floor. They laugh.

      WINONA.FIGHTER
      I didn’t mean to interrupt... its
      just, it’s so good to see you,
      really... I saw your face on a
      billboard and... I’m sorry this is
      silly...
      JACKIE.FIGHTER
      What?
      WINONA.FIGHTER
      I was just curious to see if you
      still remembered me...

      A hand grabs Jackie shoulder. It’s his AGENT.
      AGENT
      What are you doing? Come on! We got
      a show to put on.
      Jackie waves him away.

      JACKIE.FIGHTER
      Hold on.
      AGENT
      (through teeth)
      Do you realize how many strings I
      had to pull to make tonight happen?

      He drags Jackie away. Jackie looks back but Winona is gone.
      ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
      Jackie! JACKIE!

      He looks behind him:
      Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

      Summary In this scene, Jackie successfully jumps between universes and defeats Desmond in a fight. He is emotionally overwhelmed and Alpha Winona tries to calm him down. Jackie experiences flashes of other universes, including one where he reunites with Winona after 40 years. Desmond is tied up and Alpha Winona explains the situation to Jackie. Jackie's agent tries to pull him away from Winona. The scene ends with Jackie hearing Alpha Winona calling his name and looking behind him.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Emotional moments
      • Engaging plot
      Weaknesses
      • The theme could be further explored

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively combines intense action with emotional moments, creating a gripping and memorable sequence.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of traveling between parallel universes is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is engaging and keeps the audience hooked with its twists and turns.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of jumping between universes is not entirely unique, the specific situations and challenges faced by the characters are fresh and engaging. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed effectively.

      Character Changes: 8

      The protagonist experiences a significant emotional change, realizing the importance of his relationship with his wife.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove to himself and his wife that he can handle the challenges and dangers of jumping between universes. This reflects his deeper need for validation and his fear of losing his loved ones.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to protect his wife and defeat the brainwashed individuals from other universes. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist is intense and drives the scene forward.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges from the brainwashed individuals and the Alpha Winona. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the protagonist is faced with the threat of brainwashing and the potential loss of his wife.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about the antagonist and deepening the emotional connection between the protagonist and his wife.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as the sudden jumps between universes and the brainwashing of characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to explore other lives and the Alpha Winona's belief that they should only use other universes to acquire special skills. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values about the purpose and morality of their actions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the protagonist's tears and confession of love.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and the plot.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it combines action, emotion, and suspense to keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey. The fast-paced writing and the introduction of new challenges and revelations maintain the audience's interest.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick transitions between universes and the action sequences create a sense of urgency and excitement.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting to clearly convey the visual and auditory elements of the scene.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear setting and action, progresses through dialogue and character interactions, and ends with a cliffhanger that leads into the next scene.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a strong visual of a tear suspended from Jackie's eye, which creates a sense of tension and emotion. However, the subsequent action and dialogue feel rushed and lack depth.
      • The transition between universes is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how Jackie is able to jump between universes or why he is experiencing these different realities.
      • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the Taxes universe feels forced and lacks authenticity. It doesn't effectively convey the emotional impact of Jackie's experience in the other universes.
      • The introduction of the Fighter universe and the romantic reunion between Jackie and Winona feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
      • The dialogue between Alpha Winona and Jackie in the original universe is confusing and doesn't effectively explain the concept of verse jumping or the conflict with Jobu Tupaki.
      • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of closure. It ends abruptly without resolving the conflict between Jackie and Desmond or providing a satisfying conclusion to the story.
      Suggestions
      • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional depth and exploration of the characters' reactions to the events.
      • Provide clearer explanations for the concept of verse jumping and the conflict with Jobu Tupaki to help the audience understand the stakes and motivations of the characters.
      • Reconsider the transition between universes to make it more seamless and logical. Provide a clearer explanation for how Jackie is able to jump between universes and why he is experiencing these different realities.
      • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the Taxes universe to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Show the impact of Jackie's experience on their relationship.
      • Reconsider the inclusion of the Fighter universe and the romantic reunion between Jackie and Winona. Make sure it is integrated into the overall story and serves a clear purpose.
      • Provide a clearer resolution to the scene by addressing the conflict between Jackie and Desmond and providing a sense of closure or progression in the story.



      Scene 11 -  Jobu's Transformation
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR - ORIGINAL UNIVERSE
      Jackie is back in the IRS building. Alpha Winona looks at
      him terrified.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Did you hear what I just said?
      JACKIE
      Of course.
      50.


      ALPHA WINONA
      Then SHOOT!
      Jackie looks down at his hands. He is now holding a giant
      futuristic gun made of office products. What?
      He looks up and sees an entire SWAT team approaching them
      with their guns raised. WHAT?
      SWAT LEADER
      I said drop your weapon!!
      ALPHA WINONA
      Don’t listen to them Jackie!
      Jackie drops the gun in panic. Alpha Winona dives for the
      gun. She fires the gun, but only a flag that says "BANG!"
      comes out.
      JACKIE
      What just happened?
      ALPHA WINONA
      (petrified)
      She’s here.
      Two small boots stalk across the hallway. It’s Jobu. She is
      carrying her orange cat and calmly walking towards them.
      JACKIE
      Joy?

      Jackie recognizes his daughter, JOY. He can’t turn away.
      ALPHA WINONA
      She’s found us. We have to go. NOW!

      Alpha Winona drops the gun and begins to run away.
      SWAT OFFICER
      (to Jobu)
      Miss, you can’t be up here.
      JOY
      You have to be more clear: "can’t"
      is such a... fluid word. Is it that
      I am not able to be here or that I
      am not allowed to be here?
      Jobu slowly slides her boot across the floor and taps the
      ground with her toe.
      51.

      JOBU TUPAKI
      It seems physically possible for me
      to be here, so...
      The SWAT Officer has no patience for this.

      SWAT OFFICER
      Okay, that’s enough. You and your
      cat gotta go...
      He reaches out to grab her arm. She pulls away.
      JOBU TUPAKI
      Hey, you can’t do that.
      SWAT OFFICER
      I am able to, and I am allowed to
      because it is within my duty to-
      JOBU TUPAKI
      (threatening)
      Believe me, you can’t.

      The SWAT Officer reaches for his handcuffs with one arm and
      tries to grab her with his other. But before he can touch
      her, she throws her cat in the air. The cat catches onto her
      forearm, locking its legs around her wrist, with its tail
      facing out. Jobu pulls on the tail, unsheathing a long
      blade. She plunges the blade into the policeman’s gut.
      SWAT OFFICER
      Why did you stab me with a cat?

      JOBU TUPAKI
      Because I can.
      He falls to the ground. The cat falls off her arm and starts
      licking the guy’s face. Jackie’s brain is broken.
      SWAT OFFICER
      Fire!!
      JACKIE
      No!!!
      The SWAT team all fire. Bullets fly.
      Jobu falls to the ground and moves like a crazy drunk
      person. Somehow erratic movements are helping her dodge
      every bullet. She swings her cat by the tail, transforming
      it into a long medieval chain and ball, that she uses to
      knock the guns out of the hands of the SWAT officers. She
      lets go of the tail, and the cat becomes a cat again,
      clawing at the face of one of the unarmed officers.
      52.


      Jobu sweep kicks two officers off their feet. While she is
      on the ground, two more men approach her from either side,
      swinging batons which she catches and turns into large
      dildos. She spins the toys around, and shoves them into
      their Adam’s apples with a loud crunch, they both fall on
      the ground gasping.
      Alpha Winona grabs Jackie’s arm but he doesn’t want to
      leave.
      JACKIE
      How... is Joy doing that?

      ALPHA WINONA
      That’s not your Joy anymore...
      she’s a monster now. I was going to
      tell you.
      Jackie doesn’t want to believe it.
      Linus the cat comes sauntering back with a large ammunition
      clip in his mouth.

      Jobu shoves the ammunition clip into Linus’ butt and
      stretch’s the cat’s legs out straight like a gun. She kneels
      down beside Desmond and pats him on the head.
      JOBU
      Oh sweetie, thanks for the help,
      but I won’t be needing you here
      anymore.

      DESMOND
      What- what are you?
      Jobu cocks her cat gun. She aims it a Desmond. Jackie grabs
      her hand at the very last minute. Desmond is shot in the
      leg.
      DESMOND
      Owwww!
      JACKIE
      Stop! Why do you do this, Joy?
      JOBU
      Why does anyone do anything?
      JACKIE
      I raised you better than this.
      53.


      JOBU
      No. No you didn’t.
      She raises her gun to shoot Desmond in the head. Jackie
      knocks the gun down. Desmond gets shot in the leg again.
      DESMOND
      Owww!!! The same hole!?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, come on!
      Jackie plants his feet.
      JACKIE
      All I ever did was give you the
      best I could. You know I love you
      even though you are a gay.
      Jobu stares down her dad.
      JOBU
      You’re still hung up on the fact
      that I like girls?
      (in his face)
      The universe is much bigger than
      you realize Dad. I’m not really gay
      anymore.
      (Chinese)
      I’ve fucked everything.
      JACKIE
      You show some respect!
      JOBU
      You’ve fucked everything too. Men.
      Dogs. Cars...
      Jobu picks up a picture frame and transforms it into a
      picture of Jackie posing lovingly with Chris Tucker, a dog,
      a car.
      JACKIE
      Never.
      Jobu smirks. She’s enjoying this. The picture flickers and
      becomes a stack of books, a swarm of bees, a baby pig, a
      watermelon.
      JOBU
      In this very moment, there’s a
      world where you’re having
      intercourse with this watermelon.
      54.


      Jackie begins to step away from the melon.

      JACKIE
      That can’t be true.
      (to Alpha Winona)
      Can it?
      Alpha Winona can’t give him an answer.
      She rotates it to reveal a 2 inch hole. Jackie shakes his
      head, but he can’t look away. He is almost hypnotized.
      JOBU
      Don’t be ashamed. You’re a hero. In
      that universe, fucking this
      watermelon is the right thing to
      do.
      JACKIE
      That doesn’t make any sense!
      JOBU
      You’re starting to get it.

      Jackie’s mind is overwhelmed. A fly BUZZES by. Something
      leaks through:


      TAXES.UNIVERSE - CHAN APARTMENT
      Jackie swats a fly. Winona reads aloud at the computer.

      WINONA
      It says here, an activity is
      considered a business only if it
      makes a profit during at least 3 of
      the last 5 tax years-
      JACKIE
      Shhhhhhh. Not now!
      Genres: ["Action","Comedy","Science Fiction"]

      Summary Jackie and Alpha Winona are confronted by a SWAT team in the IRS building. Suddenly, Jobu appears and attacks them with a futuristic gun made of office products. She transforms objects into weapons and fights off the SWAT team. Jackie realizes that Jobu is his daughter Joy, who has become a monster. Jobu taunts Jackie with alternate universe scenarios and shoots Desmond in the leg twice. The scene ends with Jackie overwhelmed and a fly buzzing by.
      Strengths
      • Engaging action sequences
      • Witty dialogue
      • Shocking character revelation
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue may be too explicit or offensive for certain audiences

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and entertaining, with a mix of intense action, comedic moments, and a shocking revelation about the character of Joy. The dialogue is witty and the concept of transforming objects into weapons adds an exciting element to the scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a character who can transform objects and animals into weapons is unique and innovative. It adds a layer of unpredictability and excitement to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie and Alpha Winona being confronted by a SWAT team and Joy revealing her newfound abilities. The action and tension escalate as Joy effortlessly defeats the officers, leading to a shocking confrontation between Jackie and Joy.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a high level of originality. The concept of transforming objects into weapons and the idea of multiple universes are fresh approaches to familiar elements. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and unexpected.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene, particularly Joy and Jackie, are well-developed and their interactions drive the plot forward. Joy's transformation from a seemingly innocent girl to a powerful and unpredictable force adds depth to her character.

      Character Changes: 9

      The character of Joy undergoes a significant change in this scene, transforming from an innocent girl to a powerful and unpredictable force. Jackie also experiences a change as he is forced to confront his own beliefs and actions.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and come to terms with the fact that his daughter has become a monster. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and his fear of losing his connection with his daughter.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the SWAT team and protect himself and Alpha Winona. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted. There is a physical conflict between Joy and the SWAT team, as well as an emotional conflict between Jackie and Joy. The stakes are high as Joy's true nature is revealed and Jackie is forced to confront his own beliefs and actions.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces a SWAT team and his daughter, who has become a monster. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene as Joy's true nature is revealed and Jackie is forced to confront his own beliefs and actions. The physical conflict with the SWAT team adds to the intensity of the scene.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing Joy's true nature and setting up a conflict between her and Jackie. It also introduces the concept of the universe's complexity and the consequences of our actions.

      Unpredictability: 9

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as transforming objects into weapons and the concept of multiple universes. The characters' actions and dialogue also add to the unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle to understand and accept the concept of multiple universes and the idea that his daughter has become a monster. This challenges his beliefs, values, and worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene elicits a range of emotions, including fear, confusion, shock, and amusement. The revelation about Joy's transformation and her confrontation with Jackie create a strong emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the tension, confusion, and shock experienced by the characters.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it combines humor, action, and unexpected twists. The fast-paced dialogue and the introduction of new elements keep the audience hooked.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and moments of tension. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the conflict, and builds tension through dialogue and action.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with a tense and urgent tone, which is appropriate given the dangerous situation Jackie and Alpha Winona are in. However, the dialogue and actions of the characters become increasingly absurd and over-the-top, which detracts from the tension and makes it difficult for the audience to take the scene seriously.
      • The introduction of Jobu as a transformed monster and her violent actions, such as stabbing a SWAT officer with a cat and turning weapons into sex toys, feels out of place and inconsistent with the tone established in previous scenes. It also raises questions about the logic and rules of the universe that are not adequately addressed.
      • The dialogue between Jackie and Jobu lacks depth and emotional resonance. Their conversation about Jackie's parenting and Jobu's sexual experiences feels forced and unnatural, and it doesn't effectively convey the complex emotions and history between them.
      • The visual elements, such as Jobu transforming objects and the picture flickering, are visually interesting but don't serve a clear purpose or contribute to the overall story or character development.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Jackie's mind being overwhelmed and a fly buzzing by, which leaves the audience with a sense of confusion and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
      Suggestions
      • Simplify and streamline the dialogue and actions of the characters to maintain a consistent tone and focus on the core conflict and emotional dynamics between Jackie, Alpha Winona, and Jobu.
      • Provide clearer explanations and rules for the universe and the abilities of the characters, so that the audience can better understand and engage with the story.
      • Develop the relationship between Jackie and Jobu more effectively, exploring their history and emotions in a way that feels authentic and resonates with the audience.
      • Reconsider the visual elements and ensure that they serve a clear purpose and contribute to the overall story and character development.
      • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict and advance the plot in a meaningful way, while still leaving room for further development in subsequent scenes.



      Scene 12 -  Verse Jumping Chaos
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Jackie shakes the leak and approaches Jobu.
      ALPHA WINONA
      What are you doing?
      JACKIE
      I am going to talk some sense into
      my daughter.
      55.


      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, she can’t be reasoned with.
      Jackie has an idea.

      JACKIE
      Then I’ll verse jump. Somewhere
      where I am very very good at
      talking. And I will touch my
      daughter’s heart. And then maybe
      she will no longer be an evil gay.
      Alpha Winona is bewildered. Jackie closes his eyes to
      concentrate. It doesn’t work-

      TAXES.UNIVERSE - CHAN APARTMENT
      Jackie glances out the window, avoiding Winona’s glare.
      WINONA
      Why are you acting like this?

      JACKIE
      I don’t need extra rules! You’re
      complicating things. I have a
      simple plan.

      Jackie sees a picture on the wall of Joy as a child. Beside
      the photo is a child’s drawing of a man with wiggle worm
      fingers, autographed "JOY." Jackie reaches for his head like
      he has a migraine.


      FIGHTER UNIVERSE - STADIUM
      Jackie is standing across from another younger fighter. An
      announcer holds a microphone in front of his face.
      ANNOUNCER
      So Jackie, do you truly believe you
      can win this fight against a man
      half your age, at the prime of his
      career?
      There are flash bulbs going off all around him. He is
      looking through the crowd, searching for Winona. There’s a
      guy selling hot dogs.
      56.


      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

      Jackie looks up. Alpha Winona is now standing between Jackie
      and Jobu, concerned.

      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, please. You can’t just jump
      without a guided trajectory, you
      can end up anywhere-
      Jackie pushes her aside. He places his hand over the blue
      tooth.

      ALPHAVERSE - In the control room, we see flashes of images
      on the screen: a clenched fist, hot dogs, Joy’s portrait,
      Joy’s childhood drawing, back to a fist, etc.
      WINONA
      Your mind is already too fragile-
      JACKIE
      I LOVE YOU.

      Jobu is momentarily confused. Winona reaches out.
      ALPHA WINONA
      No! Jackie that’s not how it works-

      Jackie presses the blue tooth. His head cocks back.
      Both his hands go limp as if they have been pumped full of
      anesthesia. He tries to punch Jobu, but his floppy fingers
      just enter the watermelon hole.
      JACKIE
      EW! EW! EW!

      ALPHA.VERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

      ALPHA WINONA
      Where did he jump?!
      OFFICER #1
      He’s off the fucking map.

      HOTDOG.UNIVERSE - CHAN APARTMENT
      Jackie stands in front of a full length mirror in a suit
      with an untied tie. He lifts his hands into frame. His
      fingers are floppy hot dogs. Jackie cannot comprehend it.
      57.


      He tries to tie his tie but his boneless fingers just push
      it around. His frustration builds.
      Winona leans in the doorway. She has hot dog hands as well.

      WINONA
      Jackie, why are you-
      JACKIE
      Not now.
      WINONA
      But you-
      JACKIE
      I SAID NOT NOW!!

      ALPHA.VERSE - CONTROL ROOM
      OFFICER #1
      Mam. He’s jumped to a universe
      where everyone has hot dogs instead
      of fingers.
      OFFICER #2
      An evolutionary branch in the
      anatomy of the human race?

      EXT. CRAGGY MOUNTAIN TOP (ALA 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY)

      TITLE: 20,000 B.C.
      A monkey with floppy hot dog fingers murders a full fingered
      monkey with a rock. Other monkeys hoop and scream.

      OFFICER #2 (VO)
      That jump would fry most people.

      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      Like I said, he’s not most people.
      The fingered monkey’s outstretched hand falls limp.

      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Jackie stumbles back into a desk. He tries to catch himself
      but his fingers are useless and he crumples onto the floor.
      58.


      JACKIE
      This was just a drawing you did
      when you were a kid.
      JOBU
      It’s like you said. It doesn’t make
      sense. None of it does.
      Jobu stands over Jackie with her cat gun.
      JOBU
      If it makes you feel any better. In
      another universe. I’m not about to
      kill you.
      She cocks her cat gun: chk-chk-meow.
      A foot flies into frame and kicks the cat into the air. It’s
      Alpha Winona.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Go! Now!

      She turns to punch Jobu, but Jobu catches her wrist easily.
      JOBU
      (looking deeply in her eyes)
      Hi mom.
      Jobu takes her finger and places it on Winona’s forehead.
      Winona is petrified.

      JOBU
      Which mom are you?
      She lifts her head to tune into a unheard frequency. CLICK,
      CLICK, CLICK. She’s gone.
      Joy lifts her head. It’s normal Joy. She looks around
      confused.
      JOY
      Mom? Dad? What the fuck is
      happening? Where am I?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Oh no...
      59.


      ALPHA.VERSE - CONTROL ROOM

      Alarms are flashing, there is a distant explosion / rumble.
      Officer #1 is looking at a monitor of chaos outside.

      OFFICER #1
      She’s found us. She’s here.
      Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

      Summary In this scene, Jackie attempts to reason with his daughter but decides to verse jump to a different universe when he fails. He ends up in a universe where everyone has hot dogs for fingers. Meanwhile, Jobu threatens to kill Jackie, but Alpha Winona intervenes and transports Joy to their universe. However, this attracts the attention of an unknown entity. The scene takes place in two different universes - the IRS 10th floor and the hotdog universe - and a control room that monitors verse jumping. The conflict arises between Jackie and Jobu, as well as the unknown entity attracted to Joy's arrival. The tone is tense and chaotic. Notable dialogue includes Jackie's decision to verse jump, Jobu questioning Alpha Winona, and Joy's confusion about her whereabouts. Visual elements include the hotdog fingers, a picture of Joy as a child, and chaos in the control room. The scene ends with the introduction of the unknown entity and Joy's confusion.
      Strengths
      • Intriguing concept of verse jumping
      • Engaging dialogue
      • High stakes
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of clarity in certain moments
      • Underdeveloped themes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively introduces the concept of verse jumping and creates a sense of confusion and desperation. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, and the stakes are raised with the introduction of the antagonist. However, there are some weaknesses in the execution of the scene, such as the lack of clarity in certain moments.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of verse jumping to different universes is unique and intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity to the story and opens up possibilities for exploration of different themes and conflicts.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie's attempt to verse jump and reach his daughter. It introduces conflict between Jackie and Alpha Winona and sets up the stakes for the rest of the story. However, there are some moments that lack clarity and could be further developed.

      Originality: 9

      This scene has a level of originality in its approach to the topic of changing sexual orientation and the use of jumping between universes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the uniqueness of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene, particularly Jackie and Jobu, are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clear. The introduction of Alpha Winona adds an additional layer of conflict and intrigue. However, there could be more exploration of the characters' relationships and dynamics.

      Character Changes: 7

      Jackie experiences a change in his perception of verse jumping and his determination to reach his daughter. However, there could be more development of the character changes and their impact on the story.

      Internal Goal: 7

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to talk some sense into his daughter and touch her heart in order to change her sexual orientation. This reflects his deeper desire to have a close and accepting relationship with his daughter.

      External Goal: 6

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to verse jump to a universe where he is good at talking and convince his daughter to change her sexual orientation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of trying to change his daughter's beliefs.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between Jackie and Alpha Winona, as well as the impending danger from Jobu, creates a high level of conflict in the scene. The stakes are raised with the introduction of the antagonist and the uncertainty of verse jumping.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces resistance from his daughter and Alpha Winona. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene, with Jackie risking everything to reach his daughter and the impending danger from Jobu. The concept of verse jumping adds an additional layer of high stakes.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of verse jumping, raising the stakes, and setting up the conflict between the characters. It creates intrigue and sets the stage for future developments.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's fingers turning into floppy hot dogs and the introduction of different universes.

      Philosophical Conflict: 8

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief that he can change his daughter's sexual orientation and the daughter's belief that her sexual orientation is not something that can be changed. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a sense of confusion, desperation, and shock, which creates an emotional impact on the audience. However, there could be more exploration of the characters' emotions and deeper emotional moments.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. There are some memorable lines, such as Jackie's declaration of love. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be clearer and more impactful.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a unique concept of jumping between universes and creates suspense around the protagonist's goal of changing his daughter's sexual orientation.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between intense moments and moments of humor. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The dialogue in this scene feels unnatural and forced. The lines spoken by Jackie and Alpha Winona lack authenticity and don't flow smoothly.
      • The transition between universes is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how Jackie is able to verse jump or why he ends up in the hotdog universe.
      • The visual descriptions are lacking detail and don't effectively convey the atmosphere or emotions of the scene.
      • The actions and reactions of the characters are inconsistent and don't always make sense. For example, Jackie's frustration with his floppy fingers in the hotdog universe seems exaggerated and out of place.
      • The introduction of the unknown entity at the end of the scene feels random and disconnected from the rest of the story.
      • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with some moments feeling rushed and others dragging on.
      • The emotional depth and complexity of the conflict between Jackie and Jobu is not fully explored or developed.
      • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of closure, leaving the reader with unanswered questions.
      Suggestions
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
      • Provide clearer explanations and motivations for the verse jumping and the different universes.
      • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
      • Ensure that the actions and reactions of the characters are consistent and believable within the context of the story.
      • Reconsider the introduction of the unknown entity and its relevance to the overall plot.
      • Refine the pacing of the scene to maintain a consistent rhythm and flow.
      • Deepen the emotional conflict between Jackie and Jobu by exploring their past relationship and the reasons behind their current animosity.
      • Create a more satisfying resolution to the scene that ties up loose ends and provides a sense of closure.



      Scene 13 -  Revelations and Conflicts
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Alpha Winona turns to Jackie.

      ALPHA WINONA
      Get us as far away from her as you
      can. I’ll be back.
      She hangs her head and snaps back as normal Winona.
      WINONA
      What just happened?... Joy? What
      are you doing here?

      Joy is scrolling through her phone: Missed calls and
      messages.
      JOY
      I have no fucking clue!
      WINONA
      Watch your language!

      JOY
      (on phone with wife)
      Hey, yeah, I’m fine, I just... I
      don’t know what’s happening.

      Jackie grabs Winona’s arm.
      JACKIE
      We have to go. Come on.
      WINONA
      No. What about Joy?
      JACKIE
      (whispered to Winona)
      She’s not who you think she is.
      Ignoring Jackie, Winona approaches her daughter.
      60.


      WINONA
      Joy? Who is that you’re talking to?
      JOY
      Just come pick me up and we’ll
      talk. I’m - um - where are we?
      WINONA
      The IRS building, your dad has got
      us all into another huge mess.
      JACKIE
      This isn’t my fault!
      JOY
      The IRS building apparently.
      WINONA
      Who are you talking to joy?
      Winona reaches for Joy’s phone. Joy pulls the phone away but
      she’s too slow.

      WINONA
      Who is this?
      BECKY (O.S.)
      This is Becky.
      WINONA (O.S.)
      Who? Becky who?

      BECKY
      Becky. Joy’s wife.
      Winona’s jaw drops.

      WINONA
      You got married? And you didn’t
      tell us.
      Jackie is also shocked. He forgets his need to run.
      WINONA
      This is your fault... You are
      always too hard on her.
      JACKIE
      After everything we have sacrificed
      to bring you here... Such
      disrespect, not to invite your own
      parents-
      61.


      JOY
      Invite you!? Would you have
      come? No. Every time I’ve tried
      to come out to you, you’ve ignored
      me. You tell me its a phase.
      Winona is pacing the room. Freaking out.
      JACKIE
      (to Winona)
      No, she’s not a gay.
      JOY
      What are you talking about? Of
      course I am.

      JACKIE
      No, you’re a monster now.
      This kills Joy. She is done. She storms off.
      WINONA
      Joy.
      (to Jackie)
      Why would you say this!?
      Winona tries to follow but Jackie grabs her arm.

      JACKIE
      We have to go.
      WINONA
      No, no more of your craziness. It’s
      tearing our family apart.
      JACKIE
      Hah! Everything I do is for our
      family. You don’t care about
      family. You want to give up.

      WINONA
      You’re so caught up in your own
      head you can’t feel your daughter’s
      pain. You can’t feel mine. If you
      just let me explain the divorce
      papers-
      JACKIE
      I don’t want to hear about that.
      It’s too late.

      She starts to say something. Winona’s head falls back.
      62.


      ALPHA WINONA
      Why are we still here?
      Before he can answer, Alpha Winona drags him away.


      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR HALLWAY
      Jackie is chasing Alpha Winona through a doorway.
      ALPHA WINONA
      She’s broken through our defenses.
      I don’t know how much time we have.
      Alpha grabs supplies from desks as she runs. Batteries,
      tape, thumbtacks.
      ALPHA WINONA
      You are not strong enough yet to
      defeat Jobu. Go into hiding. Train
      your mind. Prepare yourself for
      your final fight.

      JACKIE
      But I just talked to her, my Joy.
      Alpha Winona picks up a computer tower and smashes it on the
      ground she grabs some pieces of the logic board.
      ALPHA WINONA
      That’s the problem. As long as
      there is still a Joy anywhere, then
      Jobu still exists. She is
      everywhere, in every Joy.
      JACKIE
      How?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Remember when I told you not to
      fall to the charms of the other
      verses?
      JACKIE
      Is that what happened to Joy?
      She drags Jackie into a women’s bathroom and locks the door
      behind them. She pulls out a small eyeglasses repair kit
      from her purse and begins modifying her bluetooth headset.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Joy was extremely gifted at verse
      jumping. Our little explorer... You
      (MORE)
      63.


      ALPHA WINONA (cont’d)
      can’t blame yourself. You were so
      excited by the possibilities.
      Imagine what we could have done
      with the collective knowledge of
      all these worlds. Cured diseases,
      ended wars. You... you...

      JACKIE
      (understanding)
      I pushed her too hard.
      Alpha Winona nods grimly.

      ALPHA.VERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM FACILITY
      Jobu is walking down a hallway wearing a large hooded cloak.
      Smoke and fire are all around.
      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      Her mind was fractured. We
      shattered the filter that upholds
      the illusion that she exists in one
      linear reality. Now her mind exists
      in every world. Every possibility.
      All at once.

      With every step, we see her in a different universe living a
      completely different life: a mother walking down a grocery
      aisle, a teacher walking past her students, etc.
      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      She’s seen too much. Lost any sense
      of morality. Any sense of
      objectivity. Now she’s wreaking
      havoc in my world, and many others,
      by opening their eyes to the
      darkness of the multiverse.
      We see the officers in the control room arming themselves
      and running out to join the fight.
      Outside, Jobu is surrounded by dead and wounded. The world
      looks like suburban America after a riot. Burned churches,
      defaced political billboards.
      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      The multiverse allows everyone
      could see whatever they wanted to
      see, hold on to whatever version of
      the truth they want to. By eroding
      any common ground, she destroyed us
      (MORE)
      64.

      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.) (cont’d)
      from within. Its too late for our
      universe. But yours, might still
      have a chance.
      Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

      Summary Alpha Winona confronts Jackie about Joy, revealing her true identity. Joy is unaware of the situation as she talks to her wife on the phone. Winona and Jackie argue about Joy's sexuality and marriage, while also discussing the danger posed by Jobu and the multiverse. Jobu is seen causing destruction in different universes. The scene ends with Alpha Winona and Jackie continuing their discussion in a bathroom, contemplating the threat of Jobu and the multiverse.
      Strengths
      • Intense emotional conflicts
      • Revelation of a major secret
      • Introduction of the multiverse concept
      Weaknesses
      • The theme could be further developed

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly impactful and emotionally charged, with intense confrontations and shocking revelations. It effectively advances the plot and introduces a new concept that adds depth to the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the multiverse and its impact on the characters' lives is intriguing and adds a layer of complexity to the story. It opens up possibilities for exploring different versions of reality and the consequences of altering them.

      Plot: 9

      The plot takes a significant turn with the revelation of Joy's marriage and the introduction of the multiverse concept. It creates conflict and tension within the family and sets the stage for further developments.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a family conflict and secrets is not entirely unique, the specific dynamics and revelations in this scene add freshness to the familiar theme. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters' emotions and conflicts are well portrayed, especially Joy's struggle with her parents' lack of acceptance and the revelation of her marriage. Their reactions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations.

      Character Changes: 9

      Joy undergoes a significant change as she confronts her parents and asserts her identity. The revelation of her marriage also leads to changes in the dynamics of the family.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and reconcile with her daughter's new marriage and her own role in their strained relationship. It reflects her deeper need for connection, her fear of losing her family, and her desire for understanding and acceptance.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the IRS building and the chaos surrounding them. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, such as the presence of an unknown threat and the need to protect themselves.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with intense conflicts between the characters, both in their relationships and their internal struggles. The revelation of Joy's marriage creates a major conflict within the family.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and her daughter are in conflict and face obstacles in their relationship. The audience is unsure how the conflict will be resolved.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes are raised with the revelation of Joy's marriage and the introduction of the multiverse concept. The family's relationships and the fate of the multiverse are at stake.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and revealing important information about the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and raises the stakes.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected revelations about the characters' relationships and motivations. The audience is unsure how the conflict will be resolved.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions, including anger, shock, and sadness. The conflicts and revelations have a profound impact on the characters and the audience.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts. It reveals their relationships and adds depth to their interactions.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between family members and reveals unexpected information about the characters. The emotional tension and the characters' reactions keep the audience invested in the scene.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and revealing important information. The dialogue and character interactions flow smoothly, keeping the scene engaging.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with Alpha Winona telling Jackie to get away from Joy and then abruptly shifts to Joy scrolling through her phone, which feels disjointed and confusing.
      • The dialogue between Joy and Winona lacks clarity and doesn't effectively convey the confusion and chaos of the situation.
      • The conflict between Jackie and Winona over Joy's sexuality and marriage feels forced and doesn't flow naturally from the previous scenes.
      • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona becomes repetitive and doesn't add much depth to their characters or the overall story.
      • The introduction of Alpha Winona and the explanation of Jobu's powers feels rushed and could benefit from more development and explanation.
      • The transition to the control room facility and the description of Jobu wreaking havoc in different universes feels abrupt and could be better integrated into the scene.
      • The visual elements in the scene, such as the burned churches and defaced billboards, could be more vividly described to create a stronger sense of the chaos and destruction caused by Jobu.
      • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of direction for the next scene.
      Suggestions
      • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother flow of events and a clearer progression of the conflict.
      • Revise the dialogue between Joy and Winona to better convey their confusion and the urgency of the situation.
      • Develop the conflict between Jackie and Winona over Joy's sexuality and marriage more organically, perhaps by building on previous scenes or adding more context.
      • Refine the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to make it more impactful and meaningful to their characters and the overall story.
      • Expand on the introduction of Alpha Winona and the explanation of Jobu's powers to provide more depth and clarity to the story.
      • Integrate the description of Jobu wreaking havoc in different universes more seamlessly into the scene to create a stronger sense of the stakes and consequences.
      • Enhance the visual descriptions of the chaos and destruction caused by Jobu to create a more vivid and immersive reading experience.
      • Consider adding a clearer resolution or sense of direction for the next scene to provide a satisfying conclusion to the current conflict.



      Scene 14 -  The Helmet of Universes
      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM
      Winona produces a helmet of wires and flashing lights she’s
      been building. A collection of thrown together technology.
      ALPHA WINONA
      When the time comes, you have to
      stop her with this.
      JACKIE
      But, you just built that. Out of
      junk.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, this helmet will deliver a
      powerful shock to every possible
      version of Joy, killing her in
      every universe.
      JACKIE
      Killing her...?

      ALPHA WINONA
      She’s my daughter too Jackie. But
      there is no room for compromise. No
      time for our own emotions.

      JACKIE
      No. I’m not the right one.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Yes you are.
      JACKIE
      I’ve never been good at anything.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Exactly.
      JACKIE
      What?
      ALPHA WINONA
      I’ve seen thousands of Jackies, but
      never a Jackie with a life so full
      of... failures. You have so many
      things you never finished. Dreams
      you never followed.
      65.

      JACKIE
      I’m working on a couple things.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Can’t you see? Every failure here,
      is a success for another Jackie in
      another universe. Most people only
      have a few significant alternate
      life paths so close to them. But
      you, here... you’re capable of
      anything because you’ve been so bad
      at everything.
      Jackie soaks this in.


      ALPHA.VERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
      Jobu steps into the control room where Winona is all alone
      connected to her helmet. Winona is calmly waiting for her.
      JOBU
      There you are.

      Winona takes a healthy swig from a bottle of wine.

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM

      She grabs Jackie by the collar, choking him.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie promise me when the time
      comes, no matter what she says, no
      matter what you see in other
      universes- you’ll finish this!
      Before Jackie can answer, her furious grasp turns into a
      tender embrace. She hold’s Jackie’s head in her hands.
      ALPHA WINONA (CONT.)
      It’s been so good seeing you again.
      Whatever happens, I’m grateful that
      random chance was so kind as to
      give us these last moments
      together.
      She grabs each of his hands and places them around her. She
      goes into kiss him.
      Jackie’s body tenses up.

      As they’re about to kiss, her lips quiver, her breath
      trembles, and her eyes roll back. Her head goes limp.
      66.


      Jackie doesn’t know what to do.

      JACKIE
      Winona? Winona?

      He holds her tight. Winona lifts her head in a daze.
      WINONA
      Jackie? I don’t feel good...
      Jackie pulls away. Alpha Winona is gone. Winona looks around
      and realizes she is in the bathroom.

      JACKIE
      (broken)
      She killed you.
      WINONA
      What? I’m not dead. Am I?
      JACKIE
      I have to stop her.

      He picks up the helmet contraption and studies it as he
      paces the room with a determined look.
      WINONA
      Jackie... I feel like I’m going
      crazy! I blink, and I’m somewhere
      else! What is happening?
      JACKIE
      You’re not crazy. You don’t
      remember because the other Winona
      was controlling you.
      WINONA
      What other Winona?
      JACKIE
      (distracted)
      You’re like... a puppet or like...
      Raccocoonie.
      WINONA
      What?
      JACKIE
      You know... the cartoon. We watched
      it for Joy’s birthday. With the
      cook, he makes bad food, but then
      the Raccoon sits on his head, and
      controls him, and then, he makes
      (MORE)
      67.


      JACKIE (cont’d)
      good food. The man doesn’t know how
      to do anything without the Raccoon.
      That’s you.

      WINONA
      You are talking about Ratatouille.
      JACKIE
      (irritated)
      No, it’s Raccaccoonie. Like
      Raccoon. Ratatouille’s not a word.

      WINONA
      I think you-

      JACKIE
      (serious)
      Trust me. I know what I’m talking
      about.

      ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

      Jobu stands over Alpha Winona’s dead body.
      She turns to the console where we see Jackie in the
      bathroom.
      She clicks to another universe.


      JOBU CULT UNIVERSE - CATHEDRAL
      Jobu is now in a long cathedral hall.
      Jobu stands before rows of people in cloaks with verse
      jumping equipment hooked up to them. It’s an eclectic
      bunch: young and old, tall and stout, from all walks of
      life.
      JOBU
      Brothers and Sisters, I believe I
      have found the one I have been
      looking for. Help me destroy him
      before he can do the same to us.
      An old skinny lady closes her eyes. Her helmet flashes.
      68.


      EXT. IRS BUILDING

      The same skinny old lady is outside the IRS building wearing
      a lunch lady’s uniform. Her head goes limp. She turns and
      makes her way through the crowd of evacuees. We see a
      handful of others suddenly walking towards the building:
      auditors, security guards, random civilians.

      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Desmond is still tied up and bleeding on the floor.

      DESMOND
      Hello? Help, is someone there?

      Desmond’s head droops and he lifts his head again. He has
      been taken over again. He picks up a coffee maker and rips
      it in half. He uses the heat to cauterizes his gunshot
      wound.
      He looks up just as Jobu walks in, followed by several other
      Followers. She picks up a business card raffle box and dumps
      the cards on the ground. As they fall in the air they turn
      to verse jumping devices.
      DESMOND
      I will not let you down again.

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM

      Jackie and Winona stand at opposite ends of the bathroom.
      Winona is deep in thought. Jackie waits for her to speak.
      WINONA
      So, how many universes are there?
      JACKIE
      As many as you can imagine.
      WINONA
      That is so stupid. So there’s a
      universe where... I’m the President
      and I’m riding a pink elephant that
      can talk?
      69.

      PINK ELEPHANT UNIVERSE - EXT. PLAINS
      Winona is wearing a nice pants suit riding a pink elephant.
      PINK ELEPHANT
      I am pink because I only eat
      shrimp.

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM - THAT MOMENT
      JACKIE
      I guess...? I know it sounds crazy
      but, I’ve already seen so much.
      JOBU (O.S.)
      Jaaaackiiiieeee?

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
      Jobu stands in the back surrounded by a rag tag group of
      strangers. They stand menacingly as they fashion weapons out
      of every day objects.
      JOBU
      I’m sure you’re just as sick of
      wondering whether or not you’re
      "the one" as I am. Let’s just get
      this over with.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

      Summary Alpha Winona shows Jackie a helmet she built to kill every possible version of Joy in every universe. Despite Jackie's hesitation, Alpha Winona convinces him that his failures make him the right person for the job. In the bathroom, Jackie and Winona discuss the concept of multiple universes. Meanwhile, Jobu interrupts their conversation and Winona asks about the number of universes. The scene ends with Jobu calling out for Jackie from the 10th floor.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Emotional depth
      • Intriguing concept
      • High stakes
      Weaknesses

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and emotional depth. The concept of multiple universes adds intrigue and complexity to the plot. The conflict and stakes are high, and the scene moves the story forward effectively.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of multiple universes and alternate versions of characters is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It allows for exploration of different possibilities and raises interesting questions about identity and choice.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and engaging. The scene introduces a crucial turning point in the story and raises the stakes for the characters. It keeps the audience invested and eager to see what happens next.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of multiple universes and the moral dilemma of killing a character in every universe. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and add freshness to familiar themes.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are clear. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their relationships and add depth to the scene.

        Character Changes: 8

        The characters undergo significant changes in this scene. Jackie goes from feeling inadequate to realizing his potential and taking on a crucial role. Winona experiences a moment of clarity and self-realization.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Jackie to stop Joy in every universe, even if it means killing her. This reflects Winona's deeper need to protect her daughter and her fear of compromising or letting her emotions get in the way.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stop Joy from causing harm in multiple universes. This reflects the immediate challenge of preventing a potential catastrophe.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between the characters' desires and the greater mission at hand, as well as internal conflict within the characters themselves.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as Jackie is faced with the challenge of accepting his role in stopping Joy and overcoming his self-doubt. The audience is unsure of how Jackie will respond to Winona's request, adding to the tension.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in this scene, with the potential for the destruction of multiple versions of a character and the fate of the universe at stake. The characters' lives and the outcome of their mission hang in the balance.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by introducing a crucial turning point and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up the final showdown and leaves the audience eager to see what happens next.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as Winona's sudden change from choking Jackie to embracing him. The revelation of Alpha Winona's true intentions and the introduction of the Jobu cult universe add further unpredictability.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the question of whether it is morally justifiable to kill Joy in every universe. This challenges Winona's beliefs and values as a mother, as she struggles with the idea of sacrificing her daughter for the greater good.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene is emotionally charged, with characters grappling with difficult choices and the potential loss of loved ones. It evokes a strong emotional response from the audience.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is strong and impactful. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, and drives the scene forward.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and explores complex emotions and moral dilemmas. The dialogue and character interactions create tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of italics for thoughts and emphasis adds clarity to the scene.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by effectively establishing the setting, introducing the characters, and advancing the plot. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and maintains a clear narrative flow.


        Critique
        • The dialogue in this scene is a bit clunky and could be tightened up to make it more impactful. Some of the lines feel forced and unnatural.
        • The emotional tone of the scene is not effectively conveyed through the dialogue and actions of the characters. It feels a bit flat and lacks depth.
        • The introduction of the helmet and its purpose feels a bit rushed and could be better explained and developed.
        • The transition between Alpha Winona choking Jackie and then embracing him feels abrupt and could be smoother.
        • The conversation between Jackie and Winona about multiple universes feels disjointed and could be better integrated into the overall flow of the scene.
        • The introduction of Jobu and her followers in the control room feels a bit random and could be better foreshadowed or set up.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona about Ratatouille/Raccaccoonie feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the scene.
        • The ending of the scene with Jobu calling out for Jackie from the 10th floor feels a bit disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be better integrated.
        Suggestions
        • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and impactful. Consider removing unnecessary lines and tightening up the conversation.
        • Work on conveying the emotional tone of the scene through the actions and dialogue of the characters. Show their internal struggles and conflicts more effectively.
        • Develop the introduction of the helmet and its purpose more gradually and clearly. Make sure the audience understands its significance and the stakes involved.
        • Smooth out the transition between Alpha Winona choking Jackie and then embracing him. Make it feel more organic and less abrupt.
        • Integrate the conversation about multiple universes more seamlessly into the overall flow of the scene. Connect it to the characters' motivations and conflicts.
        • Foreshadow or set up the introduction of Jobu and her followers in the control room. Make their presence feel more purposeful and connected to the main storyline.
        • Consider removing or revising the dialogue about Ratatouille/Raccaccoonie as it feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the scene.
        • Find a way to better integrate the ending with Jobu calling out for Jackie from the 10th floor into the rest of the scene. Make it feel more connected and impactful.



        Scene 15 -  Confrontation and Connection
        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM
        WINONA
        So what now? To save the world,
        you want to kill your own daughter
        because she’s an evil monster?
        JACKIE
        We have to do something. She is our
        responsibility. I’m going to find a
        way to fix this.
        WINONA
        You say that every time, right
        before you make things worse.
        Winona turns away in frustration.
        WINONA
        Why don’t you just jump to a
        universe where, for once, you
        actually know what to do?
        70.


        This gives Jackie an idea.

        He rushes over to the soap dispenser and throws soap in his
        eyes. It stings. He closes his eyes and concentrates, but
        the bluetooth turns YELLOW.
        WINONA
        What are you doing??
        He begins pulling paper towels from the dispenser and
        stuffing as many as he can down his shirt. Again: YELLOW.
        WINONA
        You’ve finally lost it.
        Jackie turns and looks at Winona up and down.
        JACKIE
        Hit me.
        WINONA
        What?

        JACKIE
        Hit me! Hard! Make it hurt.
        WINONA
        I’m not like you. I don’t hit
        people.
        JACKIE
        Exactly. I need to do something so
        unlikely that it propels me to-
        AHHH
        Winona knees Jackie in the groin.

        Jackie falls to the ground. He closes his eyes. The
        bluetooth turns GREEN.

        JACKIE
        Thank you.
        He pushes the button, his head kicks back, he inhales deep
        and stares right past Winona. He looks like he is seeing
        God.
        Winona is stunned. She waves her hands in front of his eyes.
        WINONA
        Did it work? Hello? Should I do it
        harder?
        71.


        She winds up her fist to punch him in the groin again.
        Suddenly Jackie exhales and grabs her hand.
        JACKIE
        (perfect English)
        Winona, give me a moment. I don’t
        know how long I can maintain this
        connection.
        WINONA
        You’re English... it’s-
        JACKIE
        (Perfect English)
        Shhh... I know over the years, I’ve
        neglected you and taken your love
        for granted. I don’t deserve you.
        But, right now all I want in the
        whole wide world is to save our
        family and I need your help. Can
        you give me the benefit of the
        doubt one last time sweetheart?

        Winona can’t help but be convinced. She nods.
        Jackie presses the button, his face shudders, and he inhales
        again. He has disconnected.

        He stands up and approaches the door.

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE

        Jackie.Writer is sitting in a nice mid-century office with
        lofted ceilings and tall windows. He sits on a bed,
        surrounded by medical equipment. His thin, frail face is
        white as if one of his fictional characters reached out to
        him through his brain. Because that’s what happened.
        His editor and partner, CHRIS, a tall sharply dressed man
        whose last name is Tucker sits on the couch beside Jackie.
        CHRIS
        Hey, what’s the hold up?
        WRITER.JACKIE
        I think... my character just got
        into my head.
        CHRIS
        That’s normal, right? You’ve been
        living with them for so long-
        72.


        WRITER.JACKIE
        No... literally. Jackie verse
        jumped to me here... I felt him.
        CHRIS
        Come on, babe, you made up that
        silly sci-fi shit.
        JACKIE
        Maybe I’ve started something I
        can’t finish... This book, its
        bigger than me...

        They both look up at the bulletin board next to them. On it
        there are a bunch of note cards and diagrams. There is a
        diagram of two minds connected. Chris rubs his back.
        CHRIS
        All this meta stuff’s getting into
        your head. Let’s get through this
        draft and you can take a break.
        Read that roller coaster part back
        to me again, I like that part.

        Jackie shakes it off stares at his computer screen.

        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
        A SWAT officer with a gas mask on pulls pins from a tear gas
        canister. He throws a canister outside of the bathroom.

        Another one tosses the canisters into the the ceiling vents.
        WRITER.JACKIE (V.O.)
        "How odd it felt to know that he
        was in the safe confines of a
        predetermined path: every turn
        decided, every word written."


        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM
        Gas begins seeping in through the vents. Jackie pushes
        Winona into the back of the bathroom.
        He unrolls some toilet paper and begins cutting it randomly
        with scissors.
        WRITER.JACKIE (V.O.)
        "And yet, his heart beat in his
        chest like a child wanting off a
        roller coaster. In these
        (MORE)
        73.


        WRITER.JACKIE (V.O.) (cont’d)
        situations, he remembered takings
        his frightened daughter’s hand
        years ago and saying ’this is where
        the fun is..."
        As gas filters in all around them, he looks up at Winona
        with a serene smile. He unfolds the toilet paper to reveal a
        paper snowflake. His bluetooth device flashes GREEN.
        JACKIE
        "This is where we scream."
        He presses the button:
        Jackie rapidly downloads divergent memories:

        - Jackie as a child, running with scissors.
        - His Mother singing to him as a child with bandages over
        his eyes.

        - As an older blind man, he is now singing to his elderly
        mother.

        OPERA UNIVERSE - INT. OPERA HOUSE

        Jackie stands on a huge stage alone wearing sunglasses- now
        blind. There is a huge audience before him.
        A single note from the string section begins to SWELL.

        SPLIT SCREEN: in unison both Jackies INHALE a large lungful
        of oxygen.


        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
        As the Opera singer sings his sustained note, Jackie kicks
        open the bathroom door in SLOW MOTION. Gas billows.
        With his eyes closed and his breath held, he makes his way
        through the gas. He grabs hold of a large trophy and uses it
        to take out one of the SWAT officers wearing a mask and
        holding a riot shield. He pulls off the gas mask and throws
        it into the bathroom for Winona.

        Another Jumper runs in with a DIY hairspray/lighter flame
        thrower. Jackie senses him coming and ducks under a stream
        of fire. He kicks the Jumper’s leg’s out causing him to drop
        his flame thrower. Jackie uses the flame thrower to torch
        the ceiling, triggering the water sprinklers.
        74.


        Water pours down, washing away the tear gas. Just as he
        stands some one kicks him from behind. He falls.
        SPLIT SCREEN: Opera Jackie’s voice falters and cracks. He
        pulls away from the microphone embarrassed. Jackie gets
        kicked in the head. He disconnects as he hits the
        ground. But the epic opera music continue to score the
        scene.
        He is surrounded by Jumpers with guns and makeshift weapons
        (i.e. pencil cross bows, CD throwing stars, etc).
        He lands on the riot shield. He knows what to do. He grabs a
        frog shaped paper weight off a nearby desk and swallows it
        whole. Flashing light: GREEN! He presses the button.

        We see divergent memories flash:
        - Jackie gymnast falls off the high bars, his ankle breaks
        - Wearing an ankle cast he watches someone else win at the
        Olympics on TV.

        - He is shaking hands with a new employer at a pizza shop.

        SIGN SPINNER UNIVERSE - EXT. PIZZA SHOP - DAY

        Jackie is wearing a Little Caesar’s uniform and spinning a
        sign. He’s really good. Someone stop’s to take a selfie.
        Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

        Summary In this scene, Winona confronts Jackie about their plan to kill their daughter to save the world. After a heated argument, Jackie gets an idea and uses soap and paper towels to manipulate the bluetooth device. Winona knees Jackie in the groin, causing the device to turn green. Jackie then connects to another universe and speaks perfect English, convincing Winona to help him. The scene shifts to Jackie.Writer discussing the meta aspects of the story with Chris. The scene ends with Jackie and Winona in the IRS 11th floor bathroom, where they are attacked by SWAT officers. Jackie uses divergent memories and fights off the officers and other Jumpers. The scene concludes with Jackie surrounded by Jumpers, disconnected from the bluetooth device.
        Strengths
        • Intense action
        • Emotional moments
        • Engaging plot
        Weaknesses
        • Dialogue could be more memorable
        • Theme could be further developed

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and filled with tension. It effectively combines action and emotional moments, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of universe jumping and the connection between the character and the writer's mind is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns. It keeps the audience guessing and invested in the outcome.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist having to deal with an evil monster who happens to be their own daughter is somewhat unique, the actions and dialogue of the characters are relatively familiar.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Their actions and dialogue drive the plot forward.

        Character Changes: 7

        The character of Jackie undergoes a change as he enters the writer's mind and gains a new perspective. This change drives his actions in the scene.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to fix the situation and save their family. This reflects their desire to protect their loved ones and their fear of making things worse.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a way to save the world by dealing with the evil monster, who happens to be their own daughter. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflict, both physical and emotional. The characters are faced with difficult choices and obstacles.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles in their quest to save their family and the world. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are trying to save the world and their own family. Failure would have dire consequences.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new challenges and raising the stakes for the characters.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the protagonist's actions and decisions are unexpected. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the moments of sacrifice and connection between the characters.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and advancing the plot. It could be improved with more memorable lines.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and includes fast-paced action and dialogue. The tension and conflict between the characters keep the audience interested.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The fast-paced action and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


        Critique
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtext and nuance. It's important to show the underlying emotions and conflicts between them rather than stating them outright.
        • The actions and decisions made by Jackie in this scene seem somewhat random and disconnected. It would be helpful to establish clearer motivations and goals for his character to make his choices more believable and engaging.
        • The transition to the Writer Universe feels abrupt and disjointed. It's not clear how this scene connects to the overall narrative and it may confuse the audience.
        • The use of voice-over narration from Jackie.Writer is distracting and interrupts the flow of the scene. It would be more effective to show his thoughts and emotions through his actions and interactions with other characters.
        • The visual descriptions in the scene are lacking detail and specificity. Adding more vivid and evocative imagery would enhance the reader's understanding and immersion in the story.
        • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with some moments dragging on and others feeling rushed. Finding a better balance between action and dialogue would create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
        Suggestions
        • Rewrite the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to add subtext and deepen their conflicts. Show their emotions through their actions and reactions rather than stating them explicitly.
        • Clarify Jackie's motivations and goals in this scene to make his actions more purposeful and believable. Connect his choices to the larger narrative and character arc.
        • Reconsider the transition to the Writer Universe and its relevance to the overall story. Ensure that it adds depth and meaning to the scene rather than confusing the audience.
        • Replace the voice-over narration with more visual storytelling and character interactions. Show Jackie.Writer's thoughts and emotions through his actions and dialogue with Chris.
        • Revise the visual descriptions to be more vivid and specific, painting a clearer picture for the reader and enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.
        • Refine the pacing of the scene by balancing action and dialogue. Cut any unnecessary or repetitive moments and focus on the most impactful and engaging elements.



        Scene 16 -  The Battle of the Break Room
        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
        Jackie picks up the riot shield just as the Jumpers begin to
        fire. He swirls the shield like a magnificent sign spinner
        blocking bullets and miscellaneous sharp objects.
        He runs and jumps on the shield, knocking one of the hunters
        over. He kicks the shield up in the air and spins the shield
        knocking all of their weapons out of their hands. He slams
        the shield to the left BAM! To the right BAM! knocking more
        foes over.
        Meanwhile Winona emerges from the bathroom and watches her
        husband do the impossible. She pulls the gas mask off in
        disbelief.
        Jobu stands from a distance and watches skeptically as
        Jackie suddenly has become a super hero. She escapes up the
        stairs.
        75.


        WINONA
        Joy wait!
        Jackie looks up just as Jobu is leaving. Someone kicks
        Jackie in the chest he falls backwards into the break room
        kitchen.

        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BREAK ROOM KITCHEN
        A small frail lady comes after him wielding a fire axe like
        she’s a lumberjack. She chops right through the shield.

        Jackie has landed on a pile of plastic silverware. He picks
        up two plastic knives and holds it up against her fire axe.

        She slams the axe into the counter- its stuck! Jackie takes
        the opportunity to look through the fridge. He pulls out a
        2-liter bottle of orange soda. He pops off the cap and
        starts chugging the entire thing in one go. He is trying to
        finish it before she pulls the axe out.
        He finishes the last drop: GREEN! He jumps.

        The hunter dislodges the axe and swings. Jackie spins his
        plastic knives and sidesteps the axe head, stabbing one
        knife into the lady’s forearm. He kicks the axe out of her
        hand and slides on the floor, slashing both of her Achilles
        tendons. She falls to the ground.

        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. BENIHANA’S HIBACHI RESTAURANT

        Jackie is an hibachi chef with incredible knife skills. He
        is cooking up a storm and spinning his knives.


        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BREAKROOM KITCHEN
        With chef like precision, he slices his way past three more
        bounty hunters using nothing but his plastic cutlery.
        A rolling chair knocks Jackie to the ground. Desmond pushes
        the rolling chair into Jackie’s body, his arms and hands are
        pushed up against his body and he can’t move anything except
        his pinkies.
        Jackie’s eyes close and the bluetooth turns GREEN. Desmond
        looks down to see Jackie is caressing Desmond’s leg with his
        foot.
        76.


        PINKY UNIVERSE - INT. GYM

        Montage: Jackie does nothing but pinky push-ups everyday of
        his life. Jackie’s pinkies look like they are jacked on
        steroids.

        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BREAKROOM KITCHEN
        Jackie’s pinkies clamp down on the chair legs breaking them.
        Desmond is confused. Jackie punches the chair with his
        pinkies and it sends Desmond and the chair
        flying. Desmond’s bluetooths fly out his ear.
        DESMOND
        Damnit!
        His head slumps forward: he disconnects. Normal Desmond
        looks up confused.
        More bounty hunters attack Jackie but he disarms them with
        his super powerful pinkies. He flicks one in the stomach and
        guts pour out.

        Desmond comes charging at him, no longer a jumper, he now
        believes he’s a hero.
        DESMOND
        Stop this madness!
        Jackie ducks and punches Desmond in the leg with his pinky,
        puncturing a hole in his leg, blood pours out of his leg.

        DESMOND
        THE SAME HOLE!?
        Jackie wraps his pinkies around Desmond’s head as if he’s
        going to snap his neck.
        WINONA (O.S.)
        Jackie! What are you doing?
        Jackie stops and sees his wife is horrified.
        WINONA
        Stop that! Jackie this is not who
        you are. You are a sweet old man!
        JACKIE
        No, I’m a sweet old man who has
        been dragged into war.
        77.


        Desmond takes the opportunity to hit Jackie in the head.
        Jackie falls over. His head is swirling. We start to hear
        all of the SOUNDS AND VOICES from the other universes. They
        are starting to leak through.

        LEAK: Taxes Jackie is having a migraine. The Writer coughs
        and takes medicine. The Singer is experiencing feedback
        from his microphone. The Sign Spinner drops his sign, a
        teenager points and laughs.
        Desmond wraps his arms around Jackie’s neck like a Russian
        cage fighter. Jackie grabs blindly at Desmond’s face.

        LEAK: The Fighter is blinded by flashing cameras. The Tax
        organizer sighs, depressed.

        WINONA
        Both of you stop this!
        Jackie’s face is turning purple. He looks up at Winona with
        red eyes.
        JACKIE
        (In Chinese)
        I love you.
        His bluetooth flashes GREEN, but wavers Jackie jumps.

        Beat.
        Jackie’s fingers go limp.

        JACKIE
        Oh no.

        HOT DOG HAND UNIVERSE - APARTMENT LIVING ROOM
        Jackie is sitting on a piano bench holding something in his
        hot dog hands looking depressed. It’s a picture of Joy- also
        with hot dog fingers.

        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BREAKROOM KITCHEN
        Jackie swipes his floppy fingers at Desmond but its useless.
        WINONA
        Jackie! Remember what Joy used to
        say about her Hot Dog Hand
        drawings?
        78.


        HOT DOG HAND UNIVERSE - APARTMENT LIVING ROOM

        Jackie’s legs lift up into frame. His toes begin playing a
        beautiful rendition of Claire de Lune on the piano.


        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BREAKROOM KITCHEN
        JACKIE
        If everyone has hot dogs for
        fingers... they’d use their feet.
        Jackie kicks up and grabs Desmond’s face with his toes.
        Desmond pulls back and swings a fist, but Jackie catches it
        with his foot. His toes latch onto Desmond’s wrist and snap
        it. With a flurry of final kicks, he sends Desmond flying
        through the air- he’s unconscious. With his foot still in
        the air, Jackie waves his toes as if to say "bye, bye".
        Winona is amazed and horrified. Jackie faints into Winona.

        INT. STAIRWELL - LATER

        Jackie and Winona stumble into the stairwell. Jackie falls
        to his knees, with a brain splitting migraine. He pulls out
        his pills and begins to swallow some.

        WINONA
        Jackie, rest. You don’t look well.
        JACKIE
        I have one mission. I’m not going
        to fail at this too.
        WINONA
        What if that mission gets you
        killed?
        JACKIE
        Then at least I fulfilled my
        purpose.
        WINONA
        What exactly is your purpose?
        Jackie tries to answer but he is overcome with another head
        ache. We hear the SOUNDS OF THE OTHER UNIVERSES leak in.
        Jackie tries to form a coherent sentence as he flashes
        through the other universes:
        79.

        JACKIE
        I need to... I need...

        SIGN SPINNER UNIVERSE - INT. OFFICE

        Jackie sits across from his pizza boss speaking desperately.
        JACKIE
        ... I need this job, I’m already
        three months behind on rent and...

        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. BENIHANA’S HIBACHI RESTAURANT
        Jackie is in the face of a younger chef angry.

        JACKIE
        ...I’m not gunna let myself lose
        out on a promotion I’ve been
        working on for 10 years to some new
        young...


        PINKY UNIVERSE - INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
        Jackie with his hands on his face. A doctor stands besides
        him pointing at x-rays of his pinkies.

        JACKIE
        ... doctor who doesn’t understand
        that these pinkies are all I
        have... without them I am...

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. LOCKER ROOM
        Jackie’s muscles are being rubbed while he is pleading to
        his Agents.
        JACKIE
        ...going to lose the only
        opportunity to talk to her again...

        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. DINING ROOM
        Jackie sits at the table covered with paperwork again.
        JACKIE
        And... when we just finish our
        taxes, this feeling will pass.
        Winona gets up to leave.
        80.
        Genres: ["Action","Comedy"]

        Summary In scene 16, Jackie impresses Winona with his incredible fighting skills as he uses a riot shield to block bullets and sharp objects from the Jumpers. He defeats the attackers and continues to fight off more bounty hunters using plastic knives and a 2-liter bottle of orange soda. Desmond confronts Jackie, but Jackie injures him with his super powerful pinky. Winona intervenes and Jackie stops, realizing his actions. However, Desmond hits Jackie, causing him to fall and experience a migraine. Sounds and voices from other universes start to leak through, and Jackie's fingers go limp. The scene ends with Jackie holding a picture of Joy in his hot dog hands, feeling depressed.
        Strengths
        • Unique and innovative weapons and skills
        • Humorous and intense tone
        • Engaging action sequences
        Weaknesses
        • Limited character development
        • Dialogue could be further improved

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly entertaining and engaging, with a perfect blend of action and comedy. The unique use of everyday objects as weapons adds a fresh and innovative element to the scene.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of using a riot shield, plastic cutlery, and even pinkies as weapons is highly creative and unexpected. It adds a layer of humor and excitement to the scene.

        Plot: 8

        The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie's fight against the bounty hunters and his determination to fulfill his mission. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.

        Originality: 6

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the action sequences and unexpected twists add freshness to the scene, the overall plot and character actions are somewhat familiar.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters, especially Jackie, Winona, and Desmond, are well-developed and their actions and dialogue contribute to the humor and intensity of the scene.

        Character Changes: 6

        While there are some minor character changes, such as Jackie's determination and Winona's shock, the scene focuses more on the action and comedy rather than significant character development.

        Internal Goal: 7

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself and his capabilities. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition.

        External Goal: 6

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat the bounty hunters and protect himself and his wife. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is intense and action-packed, with Jackie facing off against multiple bounty hunters. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist faces multiple bounty hunters and a challenging fight. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in the scene, with Jackie's life on the line and the mission at risk. The intense action and Jackie's unconventional fighting style add to the sense of danger and urgency.

        Story Forward: 8

        The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Jackie's skills and determination, as well as introducing the conflict with the bounty hunters. It sets up future events and raises the stakes.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as the protagonist using plastic cutlery to defeat the bounty hunters.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 7

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, including excitement, amazement, and horror. However, the emotional impact could be further enhanced by deeper character development and exploration of their motivations.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue in the scene is witty and humorous, adding to the comedic tone. However, it could be further improved to enhance the character's personalities and motivations.

        Engagement: 8

        This scene is engaging because it includes fast-paced action sequences, unexpected twists, and humorous moments.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and energetic rhythm. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the action.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear and concise descriptions, making it difficult to visualize the action and follow the sequence of events.
        • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, particularly in the interactions between Jackie and Winona.
        • The introduction of different universes and their corresponding visual elements feels disjointed and confusing.
        • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with moments of intense action followed by slower, more contemplative moments.
        • The emotional impact of Jackie's internal struggle and his relationship with Winona is not fully explored or developed.
        • The transition between universes and the leaking of sounds and voices from other universes is not effectively conveyed.
        • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of direction, leaving the reader unsure of what will happen next.
        Suggestions
        • Provide more specific and vivid descriptions of the action and visual elements to enhance the reader's understanding and immersion in the scene.
        • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
        • Streamline the introduction of different universes and their visual elements to create a clearer and more cohesive narrative.
        • Ensure a consistent and appropriate pacing throughout the scene, balancing moments of action with moments of reflection and character development.
        • Delve deeper into Jackie's internal struggle and his relationship with Winona, exploring their emotions and motivations more fully.
        • Clarify the transition between universes and the leaking of sounds and voices to create a stronger sense of tension and suspense.
        • Provide a clearer resolution or sense of direction at the end of the scene to leave the reader with a clear understanding of what will happen next.



        Scene 17 -  Confrontation on the Rooftop
        INT. STAIRWELL - SIMULTANEOUS

        Jackie is sweating with unfocused eyes.
        WINONA
        What the hell are you talking
        about?
        JACKIE
        (dazed)
        Please don’t leave me. I promise
        its going to get better.

        WINONA
        First, you tried to convince me
        that we have to kill our daughter
        and now you want to talk about our
        marriage?
        Jackie vomits orange soda and a frog shaped paperweight. He
        wipes his mouth.
        JACKIE
        (remembering)
        Right, we have to stop our
        daughter. I mean save her. We’ll
        save her by stopping her.

        EXT. ROOFTOP - MOMENTS LATER
        Jackie bursts out of the stairwell followed by Winona.

        Jackie spots Jobu at the other end of the roof with her back
        to them. She looms over the building.
        JOBU
        You know, I’ve lost track of how
        many of you I have hunted down and
        killed. So its always a special
        occasion when one of you comes
        looking for me.
        WINONA
        Joy, we just want to talk.
        JACKIE
        No more talking. The only way we
        can end this is in a fight. This
        ends now.
        81.


        JOBU
        And here I was hoping you’d say
        something less predictable.
        Jackie SNORTS A LINE OF OLD DUST from an A/C unit. It hurts.
        Winona is horrified. His bluetooth turns GREEN.
        He closes his eyes. He presses the button and his head
        shoots back. He strikes a kung-fu pose.
        Joy turns. They face off for their final battle. A breath
        and then he charges.

        He throws a punch, but Joy anticipates it and wraps herself
        around Jackie and pulls out a phone to take a selfie. Jackie
        is confused.
        CAMERA FLASH:

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. LOCKER ROOM
        Jackie is taking a selfie with his young opponent, MCGREGOR.
        FLASH. McGregor excitedly looks at his phone.
        MCGREGOR
        Oh man, thank you! My daughter is
        such a huge fan, she’s going to
        love this.
        He holds up the phone to show to Jackie but suddenly two
        fingers COME OUT OF THE PHONE and poke Jackie in the eyes-


        EXT. ROOFTOP - SIMULTANEOUS
        Jackie recoils as Jobu pulls back her fingers. Jackie
        blindly swings at her again, but she blocks every blow.
        Jackie pulls a gun from his belt. He fires, but Jobu catches
        the bullet in her teeth. She transforms the bullet into a
        little piece of shrimp and spits it at Jackie’s face-

        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. BENIHANA’S HIBACHI RESTAURANT
        Jackie is bouncing shrimp on his knife, and tosses it at a
        customer’s mouth. It hits her dress and gets sauce all over.
        She angrily gets up and leaves.
        82.


        Jackie looks up to see the new young chef, BEEFY, cooking up
        a storm and gathering a crowd. He throws three shrimps at
        once and they all land in a customer’s mouth. Jackie simmers
        with jealousy. He begins to walk over, but is blocked by a
        leg. He trips-

        EXT. ROOFTOP - SIMULTANEOUS
        Jackie falls to the ground after Jobu sweep kicked him.
        He picks up a broken brick and hits Jobu across the face
        with it, but it bounces off like its Jello. Jackie looks
        down and the brick has actually turned to Jello. He throws
        it at her And she catches it. It immediately turns into a
        calculator. The calculator is filled with "8"s-

        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. DINING ROOM
        Jackie frustrated with his calculator. The "8" key is stuck
        and he is slamming it trying to fix it.

        JACKIE
        Why... why can’t anything be easy?
        Suddenly a hand reaches out of a pile of paperwork and grabs
        Jackie’s head and slams it into the table. BAM-

        EXT. IRS BUILDING

        Jobu is slamming Jackie’s head into the edge of the roof.
        Over and over. Jackie’s face is covered in blood and dust.
        WINONA
        Joy! Please! Stop this!
        JACKIE
        Why are you doing this?
        JOBU
        I’m trying to show you something.
        With every slam, we see Jackie is in another universe for a
        flash: Taxes Jackie having a migraine and taking medication,
        Chef Jackie burning himself on his stove etc.
        83.


        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. LOCKER ROOM

        Jackie falls back and catches himself on a bench.
        MCGREGOR
        Easy there. We still got to fight
        tonight.
        (leans in)
        Don’t worry, man, I’ll make sure it
        looks real painful when I go down
        in the third round. Just tell your
        agents next time we do this, I get
        to win, okay?
        McGregor gives Jackie a wink and a pat on the shoulder as he
        exits. Jackie has no idea what he’s talking about.
        JACKIE
        What was he talking about?
        AGENT
        We thought it would be better for
        the show if you didn’t know-

        JACKIE
        This whole thing is rigged? You
        don’t think I can actually beat
        him.
        AGENT
        Jackie... you’re just an actor.
        It’s for your own safety-


        EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie pulls away from Jobu’s grasp.
        JACKIE
        Its all... fake.
        JOBU
        There you go, now we’re getting
        somewhere.
        JACKIE
        No... no that doesn’t matter. None
        of the other universes matter.
        JOBU
        Are you sure? Maybe this universe
        doesn’t matter and you should focus
        on that shrimp problem? Is this
        (MORE)
        84.

        JOBU (cont’d)
        universe any more important than
        any other? Do they all matter?
        JACKIE
        No... no, because there’s one with
        hot dogs fingers. How could that
        one matter? It makes no sense.
        JOBU
        I’m sure that Jackie would say the
        same thing if he saw your life.
        Jackie falls back down in pain. His headache is reaching new
        levels.
        JACKIE
        (through his teeth)
        Get out. Of my. Head. Stop messing
        with my other lives.
        JOBU
        Dad, I’m just a small part of the
        universe’s slow march towards
        entropy-

        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie translates "entropy" to Chinese on
        his computer.
        JOBU (CONT’D)
        I don’t have any more control than
        you do. But you already know this
        don’t you?
        She picks up Linus her cat and shakes him. He becomes a
        thick stack of papers.
        JACKIE JOBU
        What are you talking about? (simultaneous)
        Hey what is that? How do "What are you talking
        you know what I’m going to about? Hey what is that?
        say- Stop that. Now. How do you know what I’m
        going to say- Stop that.
        Now."

        She is reading from the stack of papers. It’s a manuscript.

        JOBU
        "Jackie shakes his head in
        disbelief. He recognizes the
        manuscript and immediately
        understands."
        85.

        JACKIE
        Understands what?-

        WRITER’S UNIVERSE - INT. OFFICE
        Jackie.Writer falls onto his couch, Chris his editor runs in
        to discover that the office has been ransacked. Papers are
        everywhere, the desk is overturned, and the bulletin board
        is missing all of the note cards. Jackie is disoriented.
        CHRIS
        Calm down. Tell me what happened?
        He holds Jackie.Writer’s face.
        JACKIE
        (rambling)
        I wrote a scene where she stole
        what I wrote and is reading what I
        wrote back to me.
        CHRIS
        Goddammit Jackie, why do you always
        do this to your stories?
        JACKIE
        I know... its contrived and
        cheap... but I had to do it.
        (horrified)
        I was compelled.
        Genres: ["Action","Comedy","Drama"]

        Summary In this intense and disorienting scene, Jackie desperately tries to convince Winona not to leave him while discussing their daughter and marriage. Jackie vomits orange soda and a frog-shaped paperweight before confronting Jobu on a rooftop. Jackie snorts old dust, charges at Jobu, and takes a selfie with her. They engage in a fight where Jackie's punches are blocked, and he fires a gun only for Jobu to catch the bullet in her teeth. Jackie falls to the ground after being sweep kicked, but his attacks with a brick turn to Jello. Jobu repeatedly slams Jackie's head into the roof's edge, causing him to see flashes of different universes. Jackie realizes that Jobu is reading a manuscript of his own story. The scene ends with Jackie.Writer on his couch, disoriented and realizing that he wrote a scene where Jobu steals his writing and reads it back to him.
        Strengths
        • Engaging action sequences
        • Humorous dialogue
        • Unexpected twists
        Weaknesses
        • Some contrived dialogue

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and entertaining, with a perfect balance of action, humor, and drama. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience hooked and eager to see what happens next.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's struggle to understand their significance adds depth and complexity to the story. It raises thought-provoking questions about the nature of reality and the choices we make.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and filled with unexpected developments. The conflict between Jackie and Jobu escalates, leading to a climactic battle on the rooftop. The scene effectively advances the overall story and raises the stakes for the characters.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a high level of originality. The concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's journey through them is fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Jackie's internal struggle and his realization about the nature of his existence add depth to his character. Jobu's enigmatic nature and her role as a catalyst for Jackie's self-discovery make her intriguing.

        Character Changes: 8

        Jackie undergoes a significant character change as he realizes the true nature of his existence and the importance of his choices. This realization propels him towards a new understanding of himself and his purpose.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the meaning and significance of the different universes and their impact on his life. He is trying to make sense of the chaos and confusion he is experiencing.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defeat Jobu and end the fight. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to protect himself and his loved ones.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between Jackie and Jobu is intense and drives the scene forward. The physical and emotional confrontations between the characters create a high level of tension.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong, with Jobu posing a significant threat to the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the fight will go and is kept on edge.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high as Jackie confronts Jobu and fights for his own existence. The outcome of the battle will determine the fate of not only Jackie but also the multiple universes.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the nature of the universes and the protagonist's role within them. It sets the stage for the final act and raises the stakes for the characters.

        Unpredictability: 10

        This scene is unpredictable because it constantly surprises the audience with unexpected events and shifts in reality. The audience is kept on their toes, never knowing what will happen next.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle to understand the nature of reality and the significance of his actions. It challenges his beliefs and worldview, forcing him to question the meaning of his existence.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 8

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, from confusion and disbelief to horror and determination. The audience is emotionally invested in Jackie's struggle and wants to see him overcome the challenges he faces.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is witty and engaging, with humorous exchanges between the characters. However, there are moments where the dialogue feels slightly contrived or forced.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience guessing and creates a sense of anticipation. The unexpected twists and turns in the story maintain the audience's interest.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency during the fight scenes and allowing moments of reflection and realization to breathe. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is clear and easy to read, allowing the reader to visualize the action and dialogue.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively transitions between different universes and maintains a coherent narrative.


        Critique
        • The dialogue in this scene feels disjointed and confusing. It's not clear what Jackie is trying to convey to Winona and his thoughts seem scattered.
        • The transition from the stairwell to the rooftop is abrupt and lacks smooth storytelling. It's unclear how they got from one location to the other.
        • The fight scene between Jackie and Jobu is lacking in tension and excitement. The actions and reactions of the characters are not well-described and it's difficult to visualize the fight.
        • The flashbacks to different universes feel random and disconnected from the main story. They don't add much to the scene and only serve to confuse the reader.
        • The revelation that Jobu is reading a manuscript of Jackie's own story feels forced and contrived. It's not clear why Jobu would have access to this manuscript or why she would be reading it back to him.
        • The scene ends abruptly with Jackie.Writer on his couch, leaving the reader with a sense of confusion and unresolved plot points.
        Suggestions
        • Simplify and clarify the dialogue between Jackie and Winona. Make sure their motivations and emotions are clear to the reader.
        • Smooth out the transition between the stairwell and the rooftop. Add a brief description of how they move from one location to the other.
        • Revise the fight scene to make it more dynamic and engaging. Describe the actions and reactions of the characters in more detail to create a sense of tension and excitement.
        • Reconsider the use of flashbacks to different universes. If they are necessary, make sure they are integrated more seamlessly into the main story and serve a clear purpose.
        • Rethink the revelation about Jobu reading Jackie's manuscript. Consider a different way to reveal Jobu's knowledge or connection to Jackie's story.
        • Provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene that ties up loose ends and leaves the reader with a sense of resolution.



        Scene 18 -  Jackie's Journey through Universes
        EXT. ROOFTOP - SIMULTANEOUS

        Winona is holding Jackie’s face. She wipes the sweat off his
        forehead with her sleeve.
        JOBU
        Finding a universe where another
        version of you is writing
        everything that is happening here.
        It’s just so... stupid.
        JACKIE
        Its not stupid, it worked.
        JOBU
        Well I think that’s what scares me
        most about you.
        (leans in, almost captivated)
        You’re the first Jackie to grasp
        just how stupid it all really is.
        86.


        WINONA
        What is she talking about?
        Jackie collapses into Winona’s arms. His temperature is
        rising, his eyelids blink rapidly, drool rushes from his
        mouth. We can hear a glitchy remix of the OTHER UNIVERSES.
        Jobu stands, disappointed.
        JOBU
        You’re close, but no pineapple.
        (catching herself)
        I’m sorry. It’s hard to keep track
        of which idioms come from which
        verses. Anyways, you’re not the One
        I’m looking for.
        She turns away. She picks up Linus and prepares to go.
        JACKIE (O.S.)
        Wait.
        Jackie grits his teeth and stands up. It’s almost heroic,
        except for the fact that his eyes are crossed and he is
        unsteady as a drunk.
        JACKIE
        So what if this universe doesn’t
        matter more than another.
        Jobu turns intrigued.

        Jackie takes a step forward, a hand grabs him-

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - STADIUM

        Jackie is walking through the crowd towards the fighting
        ring. He is spun around by someone in the crowd. It’s
        Winona. Jackie melts.
        JACKIE
        You’re still here.
        WINONA
        Jackie! I can’t stay. I need to
        leave for the airport in 20
        minutes.
        Jackie is heartbroken. The masses all watch in confusion.
        Who is this women he is talking to?
        87.

        AGENT
        Jackie! Get in that fucking ring!
        Jackie hesitates. He comes up with an idea.
        JACKIE
        (to Winona)
        Don’t leave. I’ll be right back.

        WINONA
        What about your fight?

        He looks up at McGregor. Jackie clenches his fist.
        JACKIE
        If you need to leave in 20 minutes,
        then I’ll end the fight in 5.
        He runs off-


        EXT. ROOFTOP - SIMULTANEOUS
        Jackie takes another step, Jobu takes a step back. For the
        first time in long time Jobu actually seems interested.
        Maybe even excited.
        Jackie takes another step-

        SIGN SPINNER UNIVERSE - INT. OFFICE
        Jackie is packing up his uniform and his sign about to go.
        He looks back into the office, he slips a sharpie into his
        pocket and smiles to himself.


        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. BENIHANA’S HIBACHI RESTAURANT
        Jackie is standing across from the Young Beefy chef.
        Everyone around them is chanting: "Cook off! Cook off! Cook
        off!"
        Jackie approaches him with confidence-

        EXT. ROOFTOP - SIMULTANEOUS

        Jackie scoops up the helmet device meant to kill Jobu and
        takes another step.
        Jobu takes another step back and bumps up against the edge
        of the roof. The look on her face is thrilled.
        88.


        JOBU
        How are you doing this? How do you
        still give a fuck?
        JACKIE
        (through his teeth)
        Watch your language.

        PINKY UNIVERSE - INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
        Jackie has his arms around the neck of the doctor, with his
        strong Pinky up against his head like a gun. Nurses try to
        calm him down.
        JACKIE
        I said nobody move! I’m not leaving
        here until someone promises to fix
        my pinkies. Right here! Right now!
        To prove his strength he flicks a doorway with his pinkie
        and splinters fly everywhere. Everyone backs away-


        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. DINING ROOM
        Jackie stands with his hands on the table. Winona is a
        little scared.
        JACKIE
        We are not getting a divorce
        because we made a sacred vow. You
        are my wife and I am yours. We are
        meant to be together forever. This
        is how much I love you.
        Winona is a little touched.
        Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

        Summary In this intense and surreal scene, Jackie collapses from his illness while Jobu expresses disappointment. However, Jackie stands up and tries to convince Jobu that all universes are equal. He takes a step forward and is transported to different universes simultaneously. In each universe, Jackie interacts with different characters and displays his unique skills and strengths. From a fighter universe to a sign spinner universe, a chef universe, a pinky universe, and a taxes universe, Jackie showcases his abilities. The scene ends with Jackie taking another step towards Jobu, who is intrigued by his actions.
        Strengths
        • Engaging dialogue
        • Emotional impact
        • Character development
        Weaknesses
        • Some confusion in the transitions between universes

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is engaging and emotionally impactful, with a mix of intense and heartfelt moments. The dialogue is witty and the theme of love and determination is well-executed.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's realization that they are all equally important is intriguing. The scene effectively explores the idea of challenging societal expectations and fighting for love.

        Plot: 8

        The plot progresses as the protagonist takes steps to fight for love in different universes. The introduction of the time constraint adds tension and urgency to the scene.

        Originality: 7

        The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of multiple universes and the exploration of philosophical themes are not entirely new, the scene presents fresh approaches to familiar ideas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-developed and their emotions are conveyed effectively. Jackie's determination and Winona's conflicted feelings create a compelling dynamic.

        Character Changes: 8

        Jackie undergoes a significant change in this scene, from initially accepting the norms of different universes to realizing the importance of fighting for love. This change sets up his character arc.

        Internal Goal: 7

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove their worth and importance in the face of Jobu's dismissal. They want to show that they still care and are willing to fight for what they believe in.

        External Goal: 8

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Winona not to leave and to participate in the fight. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, such as the limited time before Winona's departure and the pressure to perform in the fight.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 8

        There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, with Jackie facing physical and emotional challenges as he fights for love. The conflict between societal norms and personal desires is also present.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong enough to present a challenge to the protagonist, but not insurmountable. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome the obstacles they face, adding suspense and tension to the scene.

        High Stakes: 8

        The stakes are high as Jackie risks losing Winona and defying societal expectations. The outcome of the fight and his decision to fight for love have significant consequences.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by showing Jackie's determination to fight for love and introducing the time constraint of Winona leaving for the airport. It sets up the climax of the story.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it constantly surprises the audience with unexpected developments and twists. From the protagonist collapsing to the sudden shifts in locations and situations, the scene keeps the audience on their toes.

        Philosophical Conflict: 6

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene. It revolves around the protagonist's belief in the importance of their actions and the value of different universes. Jobu represents a more cynical and dismissive perspective, while the protagonist holds onto a sense of purpose and meaning.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, from heartbreak to determination. The audience is invested in Jackie's journey and his fight for love.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the characters' personalities and emotions. The use of idioms from different universes adds humor and depth.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it combines elements of action, humor, and emotional stakes. The fast-paced dialogue and unexpected twists keep the audience hooked, while the protagonist's internal and external goals create a sense of urgency and investment.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and dynamic rhythm. The quick dialogue exchanges, rapid scene transitions, and escalating tension create a sense of momentum and excitement.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 8

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard screenplay formatting conventions, such as capitalizing character names, using parentheticals for character actions, and separating dialogue from action lines.

        Structure: 9

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and maintains a coherent narrative flow.


        Critique
        • The dialogue between Jobu and Jackie feels a bit vague and abstract. It's not clear what they are specifically referring to when they talk about universes and the stupidity of it all. Adding more concrete examples or explanations could help clarify their conversation.
        • The transition between Jackie collapsing and standing up again feels abrupt and could use some smoother pacing. It's not clear how much time has passed or what exactly is happening to Jackie during his collapse.
        • The introduction of the different universes feels disjointed and could benefit from better transitions. It's not clear how Jackie is moving between these universes or why he is experiencing them.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the Fighter Universe feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the overall scene. It could be trimmed or reworked to have more relevance.
        • The dialogue in the Pinky Universe feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could be rewritten to sound more authentic and less like a cliché action movie line.
        • The scene ends on a somewhat confusing note, with Jobu expressing interest in Jackie's actions but without any clear resolution or direction. It leaves the reader wanting more closure or development.
        Suggestions
        • Clarify the dialogue between Jobu and Jackie by providing more specific examples or explanations of the universes and their significance.
        • Smooth out the transition between Jackie collapsing and standing up again by adding more context or description of what is happening to him.
        • Improve the transitions between the different universes by providing clearer explanations of how Jackie is moving between them and why he is experiencing them.
        • Revise the dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the Fighter Universe to make it more relevant and impactful to the overall scene.
        • Rewrite the dialogue in the Pinky Universe to sound more authentic and less cliché.
        • Provide more closure or development at the end of the scene to give the reader a sense of resolution or direction.



        Scene 19 -  The Shocking End
        EXT. ROOFTOP - SIMULTANEOUS
        Jackie has reached Jobu. She is enraptured.
        JOBU
        I’ve seen so many minds crumble
        under that weight. What are you
        still holding onto?
        JACKIE
        You think nothing matters.
        89.


        JOBU
        I’ve seen it.
        JACKIE
        Everything matters.
        Jackie slowly places the helmet on her head. He turns the
        helmet on. Jobu nods slowly, almost begging for it.
        JOBU
        (tearing up)
        That’s so stupid. But it’s working.
        Am I going to be free?
        WINONA
        No!!
        JOBU
        Do it, Dad.
        He turns the knob. An electrical shock shoots through the
        helmet. The blast knocks Jackie off his feet. Joy’s eyes
        roll back. It’s working, her consciousness is being fried in
        every universe.
        And then it stops. Everything goes quiet. Joy falls to the
        ground. She is gone.

        Jackie’s eyes roll back and he collapses to the ground.
        Music begins to gently play as if its the end of the movie.
        Jackie falls into Winona’s arms. She is so confused. Jackie
        looks up from Joy to Winona
        JACKIE
        Please, remember me like this. As a
        hero.
        WINONA
        But... but... but...
        Jackie’s eyes also roll back. He is flashing rapidly through
        universes. And then he is limp. He’s died... a hero.
        WINONA
        (through tears)
        This is so stupid.
        90.


        CUT TO BLACK: THE END

        CREDITS:

        Between the TITLE CARDS during above-the-line credits
        sequence, we see alternate endings from other universes. Its
        disorienting and Jackie is lost in the moments.

        ENDING 1: EXT IRS ROOFTOP
        An electrical shock shoots through the helmet. The blast
        knocks Jackie off his feet. Joy falls to the ground.
        Beat. And then Jobu suddenly sits up again. She wipes away
        her tears and shakes it off laughing.
        JOBU
        Man, for a second there I really
        thought... hah! I haven’t felt
        anything like that in awhile!

        JACKIE
        Joy? Is that you? Did I fix you?
        JOBU
        You didn’t do a damn thing.
        Jobu picks up a teapot and pulls a trigger. The teapot
        shoots Jackie and then Winona. They both fall dead.


        ENDING 2: EXT IRS ROOFTOP
        An electrical shock shoots through the helmet. The blast
        knocks Jackie off his feet. Joy falls to the ground.
        Jackie’s eyes roll back and he collapses into Winona’s arms.

        JACKIE
        Did we do it...?
        Winona pulls off a rubber mask. She is actually Jobu.
        JOBU
        Nope. Infinity is one tricksy
        bitch.
        JACKIE
        Huh?

        Jackie dies.
        91.

        ENDING 3: EXT IRS ROOFTOP
        Jobu falls to the ground, she’s gone.
        Jackie turns to Winona. Winona’s head goes limp and cocks
        back up again. It’s Alpha Winona.
        ALPHA WINONA
        It’s me. Alpha Winona.
        JACKIE
        But I saw you die.
        ALPHA WINONA
        I did die in your universe, but I
        survived in another because the
        multiverse-
        JACKIE
        STOP! Stop it! I don’t want to know
        anymore.
        ALPHA WINONA
        I’m sorry, but we think her
        consciousness managed to survive
        the shock from the device so now...
        Jackie falls back exasperated and dies, AGAIN.

        ENDING 4: EXT IRS ROOFTOP

        ALPHA WINONA
        ...her consciousness managed to
        survive the shock from the device
        so now-
        Jackie’s head goes limp. His head lifts up again. He has a
        different demeanor. It’s Alpha Jackie.
        ALPHA JACKIE
        I know. Although it appeared that
        we’d killed her in an infinite
        number of universes, there was
        another infinite number where she
        survived.
        ALPHA WINONA
        Alpha Jackie? But you-
        ALPHA JACKIE
        I died, I know. But that was in
        your Alphaverse. In my Alphaverse,
        I’ve been watching over you, love.
        92.


        They hold each other about to kiss. The camera pushes into
        his head.


        ALPHA.VERSE B - INT. CONTROL ROOM
        Jackie is sitting in the seat where Alpha Winona usually
        sits.
        OFFICER
        Are you sure this is a good idea,
        testing the laws of causality like
        this? Sir?
        Jackie looks around suddenly aware. This is no longer Alpha
        Jackie. This is our Jackie.
        JACKIE
        Wait... what?

        SCROLLING CREDITS:

        As the main credits begin to scroll, a smaller frame
        continues to show Jackie’s journey through the infinite
        possibilities.
        Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

        Summary In this intense and dramatic scene, Jackie puts on a helmet that Jobu turns on, resulting in an electrical shock that kills both Jackie and Joy. The conflict remains unresolved in the main ending, but alternate endings show different outcomes. Jobu and Jackie have a heartfelt conversation about the weight of holding onto things, with Jackie believing that everything matters. The visual element of the electrical shock is significant, as it causes the deaths of Joy and Jackie. The scene ends with Jackie and Joy dead, and alternate endings showing different outcomes in different universes.
        Strengths
        • Intense emotional moments
        • Exploration of multiple universes
        • High stakes
        Weaknesses
        • Dialogue could be more impactful

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly impactful and emotionally charged, with intense moments of sacrifice and loss. The exploration of multiple universes adds depth and complexity to the story.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of multiple universes and the consequences of altering reality is intriguing and thought-provoking. It adds depth to the story and raises philosophical questions about the nature of existence.

        Plot: 8

        The plot is engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The stakes are high, and the resolution of the scene has significant consequences for the overall story.

        Originality: 2

        The level of originality in this scene is low. There are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is also lacking.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable. The sacrifice made by Jackie and the confusion of Winona create a strong emotional connection with the audience.

        Character Changes: 9

        The characters undergo significant changes in this scene. Jackie sacrifices himself for the greater good, while Winona experiences confusion and loss. These changes have a profound impact on the story.

        Internal Goal: 7

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to be remembered as a hero. This reflects their desire for validation and recognition.

        External Goal: 6

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined. It is unclear what immediate circumstances or challenges they are facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in this scene is intense and emotional. The characters are faced with difficult choices and the consequences of their actions have a profound impact on the story.

        Opposition: 6

        The opposition in this scene is moderate. There are obstacles and challenges that the protagonist faces, but they are not particularly difficult to overcome.

        High Stakes: 10

        The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters risking their lives and altering the fabric of reality. The consequences of their actions have far-reaching implications.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the resolution of the conflict and the consequences of altering reality. It sets up the final act of the screenplay.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns in the narrative.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 10

        The scene is highly emotional, with moments of sacrifice, loss, and confusion. The audience is likely to be deeply affected by the events unfolding on screen.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. There are some impactful lines, but overall the dialogue could be more memorable and impactful.

        Engagement: 8

        This scene is engaging because it contains moments of tension, emotional stakes, and a sense of mystery.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense and maintaining a sense of momentum.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, dialogue, and action lines.


        Critique
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Jobu lacks depth and emotional resonance. It feels rushed and lacks the necessary build-up to make the final moments impactful.
        • The transition from Jackie collapsing to the alternate endings feels abrupt and disjointed. It doesn't flow smoothly and leaves the audience feeling disoriented.
        • The alternate endings, while intriguing in concept, feel rushed and underdeveloped. They don't provide a satisfying resolution to the story and leave the audience with more questions than answers.
        • The visual descriptions in the scene are lacking detail and specificity. They don't effectively convey the intensity and surreal nature of the events unfolding.
        • The emotional tone of the scene is inconsistent. It starts off with a sense of desperation and ends with confusion and disbelief, but there is a lack of cohesion and clarity in the emotional journey of the characters.
        • The pacing of the scene is uneven. It jumps from one moment to another without allowing the audience to fully process and engage with the events.
        • The character motivations and conflicts are not fully explored or resolved. There is a lack of clarity in the stakes and the consequences of the characters' actions.
        • The ending of the scene feels anticlimactic and leaves the audience wanting more. It doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the story and leaves many plot threads unresolved.
        Suggestions
        • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Jobu to create a more meaningful and emotional exchange. Explore their conflicting beliefs and motivations in greater depth.
        • Smooth out the transition between Jackie collapsing and the alternate endings. Create a more seamless flow that allows the audience to understand and process the different outcomes.
        • Expand and refine the alternate endings to provide a more satisfying resolution to the story. Develop each ending with more detail and clarity to give the audience a sense of closure.
        • Enhance the visual descriptions to better convey the intensity and surreal nature of the events. Use vivid and specific language to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.
        • Ensure consistency in the emotional tone throughout the scene. Create a clear emotional arc for the characters and maintain a cohesive tone that resonates with the audience.
        • Improve the pacing of the scene by allowing moments to breathe and giving the audience time to process and engage with the events. Avoid rushing from one moment to another.
        • Further explore and resolve the character motivations and conflicts. Clarify the stakes and consequences of the characters' actions to create a more compelling and satisfying narrative.
        • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a more impactful and satisfying resolution. Tie up loose ends and provide closure to the storylines introduced throughout the screenplay.



        Scene 20 -  Jackie's Surreal Journey through Universes
        EXT. IRS ROOFTOP
        Jackie sits up surrounded by Medics and Police.

        JACKIE
        What’s going on?
        He looks across the roof and spots Winona next to Joy who is
        sitting up on a stretcher looking shell shocked as well.
        JOY
        ... I don’t know what happened...
        where am I?
        JACKIE
        Don’t trust her! She’s lying!
        POLICE
        Sir, you have the right to remain
        silent...
        A Policeman slams Jackie down and handcuffs him. Winona runs
        over to Jackie and begins wailing on him.
        93.


        WINONA
        You tried to kill her! Your own
        daughter.
        POLICE
        Someone restrain her!
        Jackie shields himself from the blows-

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT STADIUM
        Suddenly, Jackie’s face is bruised and battered. McGregor
        has him grappled into the corner of the ring.
        MCGREGOR
        (through his teeth)
        This was supposed to be light, fun.
        You fucking punch me as hard as you
        can, of course I’m going to punch
        back. I’ll destroy you, old man!
        Jackie pushes with all his might to twist out-


        PINKY UNIVERSE - INT. HOSPITAL
        Jackie is now grappling with his arm around the Doctor. He
        is surrounded by security guards trying to calm him down.
        JACKIE
        I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know
        what’s happening...
        DOCTOR
        It’s okay just calm down. It
        doesn’t have to go down like this.
        There is a better way.
        The security guards step forward. Jackie steps back through
        a door-

        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. BENIHANA’S KITCHEN
        Jackie pushes through the kitchen door and is shocked by
        what he sees.
        The Beefy Chef has taken off his chef’s hat and sitting on
        his head is a Raccoon pulling his hair. It’s RACACOONIE, the
        talking, cooking raccoon.
        94.


        Racacoonie and Beefy are singing a Randy Newman style song
        about friendship. Racaccoonie will be voiced by Randy
        Newman.
        BEEFY
        (sung)
        ... because without you, we’d never
        do...
        RACACOONIE
        (sung)
        Whatever you’re cooking up, I’m
        cooking- AHHHHH!!
        JACKIE
        AHHHHHH!
        BEEFY
        Please... I’m begging you. You
        can’t tell anyone.
        Racaccoonie drops the hair and Beefy’s hands flop to his
        side.

        RACACOONIE
        Of course he’s going to rat on us,
        he’s been jealous of us ever since
        we walked into the kitchen.
        BEEFY
        Now is not the time, Raccaccoonie!

        Jackie shakes his head in disbelief as he turns but knocks
        over a big bag of potatoes-

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. ROOFTOP
        Potatoes tumble out of a SWAT members uniform.

        SWAT OFFICER
        He turned Connors into potatoes!
        SWAT OFFICER #2
        Open Fire!
        Rapid Succession: Jackie is shot in the head. But then the
        screen splits. And he is shot again in the shoulder. Split:
        he is shot in the chest. Split: the bullets all miss him
        miraculously. We stay in this universe, the others slide
        away.
        95.

        We cut out from Jackie’s perspective and he is squirming,
        and tumbling. From the SWAT team’s perspective, he is
        dodging every bullet-


        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. OFFICE
        Jackie is squirming on the couch muttering incoherently,
        Chris is fanning him with a magazine.
        CHRIS
        You gotta stop writing. Rest!
        JACKIE
        (perfect English)
        Therein lies the problem. Here on
        the couch, I have stopped, but I am
        also over there- writing away...
        We see another Jackie is rapidly typing on a computer.
        JACKIE
        And the scary thing is I can type
        whatever nonsense I can think of
        and I know that somewhere out
        there, it exists. It’s real.
        CHRIS
        Babe, what are you talking about?
        The Jackie at the computer announces as he types.

        JACKIE
        Spaghetti. Noodle. Baby. Boy.
        We hear the sound of water BOILING-


        SPAGHETTI UNIVERSE - BOILING POT
        Jackie is a long strand of spaghetti. He is in a pot with a
        lot of other strands of spaghetti. One little elbow noodle
        approaches him. He will be voiced by a small child. This is
        SPAGHETTI NOODLE BABY BOY.
        SPAGHETTI NOODLE BABY BOY
        Daddy! Daddy! It’s finally here!
        Throwing Day! Do you think they’ll
        choose me? I hope I’m ready. Do you
        think I’ll stick on the wall?

        Noodle Jackie looks at his round little son who looks
        completely different from all of the other noodles. He’s a
        macaroni, all of the noodles are spaghetti.
        96.


        NOODLE JACKIE
        I don’t know, Spaghetti Baby Noodle
        Boy...
        SPAGHETTI BABY NOODLE BOY
        (distraught)
        If they don’t choose me, how will I
        become a man? Dad, do you not
        believe I will stick??
        Jackie tries to wrestle himself away, but the spaghetti all
        around him binds with him-

        HERO UNIVERSE - INT. IRS OFFICE.

        Jackie has spaghetti flowing from his sleeves. Everyone is
        trying to restrain him but he is too noodley,
        Jackie falls to the ground and comes face to face with the
        Watermelon with the hole in it.


        TAPIR UNIVERSE - EXT. FOREST
        Jackie is a Tapir Pig and he is staring at a watermelon like
        it’s a black hole.
        Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Action"]

        Summary Jackie finds himself surrounded by medics and police on the IRS rooftop. He accuses Joy of lying and is handcuffed by the police. Winona attacks him and is restrained. Suddenly, the scene shifts rapidly through different universes, including a fight in a stadium, a confrontation in a hospital, a singing raccoon in a restaurant kitchen, a shootout on the rooftop, and Jackie's struggle with writing in his office. Throughout these chaotic shifts, Jackie is trying to understand what is happening to him. He is also accused of trying to kill his own daughter. The scene ends with Jackie as a Tapir Pig staring at a watermelon like it's a black hole.
        Strengths
        • Humorous dialogue
        • Unexpected twists
        • Engaging storytelling
        Weaknesses
        • Lack of clear theme

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 8

        The scene is highly entertaining and engaging, with its unexpected twists and humorous moments. The combination of different universes adds a unique and innovative element to the story.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's ability to shift between them is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It allows for creative storytelling and unexpected plot developments.

        Plot: 7

        The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist's confusion and attempts to understand what is happening to him. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.

        Originality: 9

        The level of originality in this scene is high. The concept of shifting between different universes and the incorporation of talking animals and surreal elements are fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is also maintained within the context of the fantastical world.


        Character Development

        Characters: 7

        The characters in the scene, particularly Jackie, Winona, and Joy, display a range of emotions and reactions to the bizarre events. Their interactions add depth and humor to the scene.

        Character Changes: 6

        The scene does not focus heavily on character development or change. However, Jackie's reactions and interactions with the bizarre situations showcase his resilience and adaptability.

        Internal Goal: 8

        Jackie's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is happening to him and to regain control of his own reality. He is trying to make sense of the different universes he is experiencing and find a way to stop them from shifting.

        External Goal: 7

        Jackie's external goal in this scene is to escape from the police and the security guards who are trying to restrain him. He wants to avoid being arrested or harmed.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 7

        The scene contains conflicts between Jackie and the police, Jackie and Winona, and Jackie and the talking raccoon. These conflicts add tension and drive the plot forward.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong as Jackie is faced with multiple obstacles and challenges, such as being restrained by the police and security guards. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

        High Stakes: 6

        While the stakes are not explicitly high in the scene, the protagonist's freedom and reputation are at risk as he is handcuffed and accused of attempted murder. The comedic elements help balance the stakes.

        Story Forward: 8

        The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the protagonist. It keeps the audience invested in the outcome and curious about the resolution.

        Unpredictability: 9

        This scene is unpredictable because it constantly shifts between different universes and incorporates unexpected elements, such as talking animals and surreal situations.

        Philosophical Conflict: 3

        There is not a clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene. The focus is more on Jackie's personal struggle and confusion.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 6

        The scene elicits a range of emotions from confusion to shock to humor. While it may not have a deep emotional impact, it keeps the audience engaged and entertained.

        Dialogue: 6

        The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the confusion and shock experienced by the characters. It also includes humorous moments, particularly in the interaction between Jackie and the talking raccoon.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a series of unexpected and fantastical events that keep the audience intrigued and curious about what will happen next. The humor and absurdity also add to the entertainment value.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of momentum and keeping the audience engaged. The transitions between different universes and the rapid succession of events create a dynamic rhythm.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 8

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is properly formatted and the scene descriptions are clear and concise.

        Structure: 7

        The structure of this scene follows a non-linear format, transitioning between different universes. While it may deviate from the expected structure for its genre, it effectively conveys the confusion and disorientation experienced by the protagonist.


        Critique
        • The scene starts off with Jackie sitting up surrounded by medics and police, but it's not clear why he is in this situation. It would be helpful to provide some context or explanation for why he is being restrained and handcuffed.
        • The transition between universes is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how or why Jackie is suddenly in different universes, and it feels disjointed and disorienting.
        • The dialogue in the scene is lacking in clarity and purpose. There are moments where characters are speaking, but their words don't contribute to the overall understanding of the scene or the characters' motivations.
        • The visual elements in the scene, such as Jackie being shot and dodging bullets, or turning into spaghetti, feel disconnected and random. It's unclear how these visuals relate to the overall story or theme of the screenplay.
        • The scene lacks a clear resolution or conclusion. It ends with Jackie as a Tapir Pig staring at a watermelon, but it's not clear what this signifies or how it relates to the rest of the scene or the story as a whole.
        Suggestions
        • Provide more context and explanation for why Jackie is being restrained and handcuffed by the police. This will help the audience understand the stakes and the conflict in the scene.
        • Clarify the transitions between universes and provide a clearer explanation for why Jackie is suddenly in different realities. This will help the audience follow the narrative and understand the significance of these shifts.
        • Revise the dialogue to make it more purposeful and meaningful. Each line of dialogue should contribute to the overall understanding of the scene and the characters' motivations.
        • Reevaluate the visual elements in the scene and ensure that they are cohesive and meaningful. Each visual should serve a purpose and contribute to the overall story or theme of the screenplay.
        • Provide a clearer resolution or conclusion to the scene. This will give the audience a sense of closure and help them understand the significance of the events that have taken place.



        Scene 21 -  Jackie Pig's Chaotic Journey to his Daughter's Wedding
        BABY PIG
        Daddy? Please daddy, we’re hungry!
        Jackie’s family of Tapir pigs stand behind him. His Pig Wife
        approaches. The pigs can talk. Like Babe.
        PIG WIFE
        Honey, what has gotten into
        you? We Tapir’s have been doing
        this for generations. The women
        rear the children, they protect the
        herd. And the men, you have one
        job. Providing us nourishment.
        Jackie Pig backs away.
        JACKIE PIG
        No... I won’t. I can’t.
        PIG WIFE
        Jackie, God would not have given
        Tapir pigs prehensile penis’s if he
        didn’t want you to juice that
        watermelon.
        97.


        JACKIE PIG
        I’ll find food for us. There has to
        be a better way.
        BABY PIG
        But, I’m so hungry...
        CLOSE UP ON JACKIE’S EYES: We rapidly flash through several
        universes. The CAUCOPHONY of sounds and voices of all of the
        universes begin to mix together. His eyes close.
        JACKIE
        Shut up! Everyone SHUT UP!!
        Silence. And then:


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie slowly opens his eyes. He is outside of the IRS
        Building. The place is a mess of random objects:
        watermelons, cooking supplies, pizza boxes, etc. Everyone is
        cautiously making their way towards him.

        WINONA
        Jackie... please, let me help you-
        JACKIE
        Shhhh! Not now!
        He holds his breath, tries not to move or think...

        The moment he inhales, the screen fractures into two, one in
        which he is inhaling, and another in which he exhales.
        JACKIE
        (on thin ice)
        Oh... oh no...
        Both versions of him look right, but as he does so, the
        screen fractures again, showing that he also looked left in
        both universes. There are now four different Jackies.
        FOUR JACKIES SIMULTANEOUSLY
        Shit/Fuck/Aiyahhh/No, no, no...
        All four images split exponentially across the screen- 8 to
        16 to 32 to a million- exploding like a shock wave. The
        rapidly multiplying images of universes swallow the
        SCROLLING CREDIT TEXT like a disease, overtaking the screen.

        THE FLOODGATES HAVE OPENED
        98.


        THE REMAINING CREDITS BEGIN TO ROLL THROUGH THE BACKGROUND.

        In rapid succession, we pull out from his face over and over
        again, each time he is in a different universe, but his
        expression is always the same: He’s sitting in the IRS
        cubicle. He’s underwater, screaming as bubbles flow from his
        lips. He’s running from a stampede of bulls. He’s sitting on
        a bus screaming as other passengers avert their gaze. He’s
        tied to a stake, actually on fire. He is random objects: a
        rock, a burger, a black hole, an orbital sander Etc, etc.
        And then it all goes quiet. Jackie is himself. He floats
        through an endless tunnel of universes organized like office
        cubicles, above and below, and on either side. Like the
        trippy space sequence from 2001: A Space Odyssey, except
        instead of abstract light and shapes, its endless cubicles.
        We cut to Jackie’s face. He is no longer screaming or in
        pain. He just stares blankly. Outside the IRS building, its
        all chaos around him, random objects from different
        intersecting universes. But he is calm.
        END CREDITS


        ON BLACK:
        TITLE: "PART 2: EVERYWHERE"

        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - INT. CAR

        Jackie’s eyes are shut tight. He is pulled over on the side
        of the road. Sweat drips down his face as he
        hyperventilates. He opens his eyes. The chaos is over. The
        anxiety begins to pass.

        He lifts his hands up: he has hot dogs for fingers. He is
        wearing a tuxedo and his hair’s slicked back. A foot lifts
        up and shifts the car into gear. He drives away. Though this
        all comes naturally for his body, his eyes look around as if
        they are being controlled by someone else. He is still lost.

        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - EXT. CHAPEL
        Jackie exits the car and sees a small crowd of other people
        also dressed nicely, also with hot dogs for fingers. One
        elderly lady comes up to him and pats him on the back with
        her sloppy fingers.
        99.


        ELDERLY LADY
        Congratulations! Oh, you must be so
        happy.
        Unsure of what she is talking about, Jackie just nods.
        WEDDING PLANNER (O.S.)
        Oh, there you are!
        A lady dressed in a smart dress suit with a clipboard
        resting on her floppy fingers approaches Jackie.
        WEDDING PLANNER
        Come on, everyone’s waiting!

        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - INT. CHAPEL SIDE ROOM
        Jackie enters and he sees a bride with her back turned
        getting ready. She turns: It’s Joy.
        JOY
        Oh Daddy! See I told you not to
        worry, he’s always late.
        Joy reaches over to give Jackie a hug but he recoils and
        holds up his hands to fight her.

        JACKIE
        You’re supposed to be dead!
        Everyone stares Jackie.

        WINONA
        Jackie... you promised you wouldn’t
        cause trouble today. Please...

        Joy cocks her head to the side. There is a moment of
        recognition.

        JOY
        (acting)
        Oh, dad, you always get like this
        when you’re nervous. Come on let me
        get you a drink-
        She ushers him away.
        100.


        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - INT. BATHROOM

        Joy is staring at Jackie. She is looking for something.
        JOY
        It happened to you, didn’t it?
        JACKIE
        What did you do to me?
        JOY
        You’re everywhere, aren’t you?

        JACKIE
        I don’t know. What’s that mean?

        Joy comes up to her dad and holds him by the shoulder.
        JOY
        (sweet)
        Dad... you’re like me.
        She hugs him. The moment she does, they cycle through a
        dozen universes where they are also hugging like a spinning
        slot machine.
        Jackie pulls back.

        JACKIE
        No I’m not anything like you.
        You’re... evil. I had to kill you
        to stop you...

        JOY
        Come on, dad. You sound so
        dramatic. "Evil" is so relative.
        Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Fantasy"]

        Summary Jackie Pig, struggling to provide food for his family, refuses to use his prehensile penis to juice a watermelon and vows to find a better way. He then experiences a chaotic moment where he is split into multiple versions of himself across different universes. The scene ends with Jackie attending his daughter Joy's wedding in the Hot Dog Universe.
        Strengths
        • Engaging and thought-provoking concept
        • Well-developed characters
        • Blend of drama and comedy
        • Powerful emotional impact
        Weaknesses
        • Some elements may be confusing for the audience

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and thought-provoking, blending drama, comedy, and fantasy elements seamlessly. It captivates the audience with its surreal and mind-bending visuals, while also delving into deep emotional themes.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's existence in different versions of himself is innovative and intriguing. It raises existential questions and explores the idea of identity and acceptance.

        Plot: 8

        The plot in this scene revolves around the protagonist, Jackie, experiencing a moment of realization and acceptance of his multiple identities. It moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between Jackie and his daughter, Joy, and sets up further character development.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its incorporation of talking animals, the concept of prehensile penises, and the humorous exploration of gender roles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic within the fantastical world that has been established.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters in this scene, particularly Jackie and Joy, are well-developed and complex. Jackie's internal struggle and Joy's mysterious nature create intrigue and emotional depth. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their conflicting perspectives and add depth to their relationship.

        Character Changes: 8

        The scene showcases a significant change in Jackie's character as he confronts his multiple identities and begins to accept them. His initial resistance and fear give way to a sense of calm and understanding. This change sets up further character development and growth.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a better way to provide food for his family, rather than using his prehensile penis to juice a watermelon. This reflects his desire to challenge traditional gender roles and find a more equitable solution.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find food for his hungry family. This reflects the immediate challenge of their hunger and the need to survive.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 7

        The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as Jackie grapples with his multiple identities and the acceptance of his daughter. There is also a hint of external conflict with the chaotic surroundings and the presence of other characters with hot dogs for fingers. The conflict creates tension and drives the emotional journey of the characters.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong, as the protagonist's main obstacle is his own internal conflict. However, the presence of the Pig Wife and the hungry family members provide some opposition to his goals.

        High Stakes: 7

        The stakes in this scene are primarily emotional and existential. Jackie's acceptance of his multiple identities and his relationship with his daughter are at stake. The scene creates a sense of urgency and importance in resolving these conflicts.

        Story Forward: 8

        The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between Jackie and Joy and exploring the protagonist's internal struggle. It sets up further character development and raises questions that propel the narrative.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces fantastical elements and unexpected twists, such as the protagonist's ability to see multiple universes and his transformation into having hot dogs for fingers.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, including confusion, anxiety, and acceptance. The protagonist's struggle and the emotional connection between Jackie and Joy resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue in this scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and tension between the characters. It blends humor with dramatic moments, adding depth and complexity to the scene. The dialogue also explores existential themes and the characters' conflicting perspectives.

        Engagement: 7

        This scene is engaging because it introduces a unique and humorous situation, creates tension through the protagonist's internal and external goals, and ends with a cliffhanger that leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. It moves at a steady pace, with moments of rapid action and moments of quiet reflection.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the conflict, develops the protagonist's goals, and ends with a cliffhanger leading into the next part of the story.


        Critique
        • The scene starts off with a strong emotional conflict between Jackie and his Pig Wife, which sets up the tension and stakes for the rest of the scene.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and his Pig Wife effectively conveys their conflicting beliefs and desires, adding depth to their characters.
        • The rapid flashing through different universes creates a disorienting and chaotic tone, which matches Jackie's state of mind.
        • However, the scene becomes overwhelming with the introduction of multiple versions of Jackie and the fracturing of the screen. This visual technique, while intended to convey Jackie's confusion, becomes confusing for the reader as well.
        • The rapid succession of different universes and realities also makes it difficult to follow the narrative and understand the significance of each universe.
        • The scene ends abruptly with the credits rolling, leaving the reader with a sense of confusion and unresolved conflicts.
        • The transition to the Hot Dog Universe feels disjointed and lacks a clear connection to the previous events.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Joy in the Hot Dog Universe is vague and lacks clarity, making it difficult to understand their conversation and its significance.
        • The scene ends with a moment of recognition between Jackie and Joy, but it is not clear what this revelation means or how it will impact the story going forward.
        Suggestions
        • Simplify the visual elements and focus on conveying Jackie's confusion and disorientation in a clearer and more cohesive way.
        • Provide more context and explanation for the different universes and their significance to the story.
        • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more coherent narrative flow and a stronger sense of resolution.
        • Clarify the dialogue between Jackie and Joy in the Hot Dog Universe to ensure that their conversation is clear and meaningful to the reader.
        • Provide more clarity and explanation for the moment of recognition between Jackie and Joy, and how it will impact the story moving forward.



        Scene 22 -  The Battle of Morality in Multiple Universes
        JACKIE
        Don’t say that. There is a right
        and there is a wrong. And I’ve seen
        you do wrong things. So many.
        As Joy speaks we rhythmically cycle through random universes
        where they both happen to be speaking.
        We stop in the Temple Universe where Jobu’s Followers live.
        Jackie looks up at shrines built for Jobu. She is taking
        care of children and curing illnesses. A gilded banner
        reads: "Cherish and Protect our Merciful Empress."
        JOY
        I know I must have looked like pure
        evil from your limited perspective,
        (MORE)
        101.

        JOY (cont’d)
        but I’m also a real saint in other
        universes. You gotta see all of me,
        Dad. We’re literally in an infinite
        number of places right now. You’re
        doing terrible things too.
        JACKIE
        No, I’m not like you!
        There is KNOCK on the door.
        WEDDING PLANNER (O.S.)
        Joy! Everyone’s ready to go!
        JOY
        Just one second!
        (hushed)
        Look, dad. Whether you like it not,
        everything is happening everywhere
        all at once. Eventually you’ll
        learn there’s only one thing to do:
        take all of the noise and
        contradictions and just go numb.
        Today, for instance, I didn’t want
        a big wedding, but Becky did. So
        I’m just gonna not give a shit and
        go with the flow. It makes it way
        more bearable. Just try to do that
        for me on my special day?
        JACKIE
        You’re wrong. You’re just young and
        don’t understand.
        Joy laughs as she adjusts her veil in the mirror.
        JOY
        Look, if you find there’s real
        purpose in any version of life
        please let me know. But don’t get
        your hopes up.
        JACKIE
        Okay.
        JOY
        What?
        JACKIE
        Okay. I will show you, my daughter,
        how sweet life can-
        He opens the door to leave, but the moment he does-
        102.

        TAX UNIVERSE - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        Jackie looks around at his apartment. It is somehow more
        depressing than he remembered.

        He glances over at his aging father in the wheelchair who is
        staring at him because his TV show is on commercial break.
        JACKIE
        Don’t say a word. I know what
        you’re thinking.
        His dad says nothing. He just coughs up some phlegm.

        JACKIE
        I know you’re disappointed. Like
        Winona. Like Joy. But I will
        finally turn that around right now.
        I’m going to-
        The commercial break is over. His dad turns back to the TV.
        Jackie plops down in his chair, picks up the first receipt.

        JACKIE
        (chipper, determined)
        Okay, so if I spent $3,250 on
        printing these books in 2011...

        Jackie looks up at his shelf where a stack of dusty copies
        of his Self-help book he self published lie. His face smiles
        at him from the cover.

        JACKIE
        That’s a loss for 2011. But I did
        sell 3 copies in 2012 so-
        As he picks up another receipt of sales it gets blown away
        by the wind-
        HERO UNIVERSE: The wind blows debris by Jackie who is hiding
        in the bushes. He can see SWAT Officers sweeping the area
        looking for him.
        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie shakes it off and doubles down.
        JACKIE
        So if I made a profit that year,
        then it technically constitutes as
        a business for the next few years-

        HERO UNIVERSE: Jackie can see Winona being questioned and
        distraught. He shakes his head trying to get himself to
        focus-
        103.

        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie splashes water on his face in the
        kitchen sink.
        He sits back down. And starts typing away on his calculator.

        JACKIE
        So if we add it all up then we can
        deduct an extra... $22.
        Jackie deflates.
        A SCREAM from the television. Jackie looks from his
        paperwork over to the IRS Parking Lot-

        HERO UNIVERSE: Desmond now has his arms around Winona’s
        neck. He holds a gun to her head.

        DESMOND
        Mr. Chan! Come out, this ends now!
        SWAT OFFICER
        Sir, please calm down. We will deal
        with this.

        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie rolls his eyes, annoyed. But he
        finally gives in. He drops the calculator-


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie emerges from the bushes. Everyone points their
        weapons in his direction.

        JACKIE
        Let her go!
        Jackie charges Desmond.

        WINONA
        Jackie! Stop it! Please. Just stop
        it. I don’t want to see anymore
        people get hurt.
        Jackie then takes one small step forward. Everyone takes a
        step back. Desmond presses the gun into Winona. She yelps.
        DESMOND
        Back off!
        JACKIE
        I’m just trying to fix things-

        He steps closer, but Desmond panics, he fires. Winona is
        shot.
        104.


        JACKIE
        NO!
        Before Jackie can fully react we swoop sideways into an
        alternate universe-
        ALTERNATE: Jackie takes a step forward. Everyone takes a
        step back. Desmond presses the gun into Winona. She yelps.
        Jackie angrily rips a sign pole out of the ground and throws
        it through Desmond’s chest. He falls to the ground.
        WINONA
        Jackie no. HOW COULD YOU?! You...
        You.. monster!
        JACKIE
        But-
        Again, we swoop into another alternate-
        ALTERNATE: Desmond presses the gun into Winona. She yelps.
        DESMOND
        Mr. Chan, Give up. There is only
        one way this can end.
        Jackie hesitates.
        Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

        Summary Joy and Jackie engage in a heated argument about morality and their actions in different universes. The Wedding Planner briefly interrupts their debate. Jackie attempts to focus on his taxes but is constantly distracted by visions of alternate universes where he is hunted by SWAT officers or saves Winona from Desmond. Frustrated, he gives up on his taxes and charges at Desmond, but the outcome varies in different alternate universes.
        Strengths
        • Emotional depth
        • Impactful dialogue
        • Exploration of multiple universes
        • Character development
        Weaknesses
        • Some repetitive dialogue

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene effectively combines emotional depth, tension, and thought-provoking concepts. The dialogue is impactful and the stakes are high, leading to a powerful and memorable scene.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of multiple universes and the idea that every action has multiple outcomes is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It raises philosophical questions about the nature of choice and the impact of our actions.

        Plot: 8

        The plot in this scene revolves around the strained relationship between the father and daughter, as well as the protagonist's internal conflict. It moves the story forward by highlighting the protagonist's realization and decision to change.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of multiple universes and the philosophical conflicts arising from them. The concept of different universes and the protagonist's attempts to find purpose and meaning in life provide a fresh approach to familiar themes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters in this scene, particularly Jackie and Joy, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. Their dialogue reveals their complex relationship and internal struggles.

        Character Changes: 9

        The character of Jackie undergoes a significant change in this scene as he realizes his mistakes and decides to turn his life around. This change is driven by his daughter's words and the potential loss of Winona.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make his daughter understand and accept his perspective on life and the choices he has made. This reflects his deeper need for validation and connection with his daughter, as well as his fear of being misunderstood and judged.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix his financial situation and turn his life around. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as financial struggles and disappointment from his family.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 8

        The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as Jackie grapples with his own regrets and the strained relationship with his daughter. There is also an external conflict hinted at with the presence of SWAT officers and the potential danger to Winona.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. The protagonist faces challenges in convincing his daughter of his perspective and in resolving his financial struggles. The audience is uncertain of how these obstacles will be overcome.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in this scene as the potential danger to Winona and the strained relationship between the father and daughter are at the forefront. The outcome of the protagonist's decision has significant consequences for the characters involved.

        Story Forward: 8

        The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the protagonist's realization and decision to change. It also introduces potential danger with the presence of SWAT officers and the potential harm to Winona.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces multiple universes and presents different outcomes and possibilities for the characters. The audience is unsure of how the conflicts and choices will unfold.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's belief in finding purpose and meaning in life and his daughter's belief in the randomness and lack of purpose in the multiverse. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs, values, and worldview, as he tries to convince his daughter that there is sweetness and purpose in life.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 10

        The scene evokes strong emotions through the heartfelt dialogue, the strained relationship between the father and daughter, and the potential danger to Winona. The emotional impact is heightened by the use of multiple universes and the exploration of regret and hope.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue in this scene is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions, conflicts, and differing perspectives. It effectively conveys the themes of the scene and adds depth to the characters.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a thought-provoking concept of multiple universes and explores the emotional conflicts and relationships between the characters. The dialogue and actions create tension and keep the audience invested in the story.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between intense emotional moments and introspective dialogue. It keeps the audience engaged and allows for reflection on the philosophical conflicts presented.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines, making it easy to read and understand.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively transitions between different universes and maintains a clear focus on the protagonist's internal and external goals.


        Critique
        • The scene starts off with a strong conflict between Jackie and Joy, but it quickly becomes confusing as we cycle through random universes where they are speaking. This rapid shifting between universes makes it difficult for the audience to follow the conversation and understand the significance of each universe.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Joy is somewhat repetitive and lacks depth. They argue about the nature of right and wrong, but their arguments feel surface-level and don't delve into the complexities of their beliefs.
        • The introduction of the Wedding Planner feels abrupt and out of place. It interrupts the argument between Jackie and Joy without adding much to the scene.
        • The transition from the Temple Universe to the Tax Universe is jarring and doesn't flow smoothly. It feels disconnected and disrupts the momentum of the scene.
        • The scene becomes cluttered with multiple universes and realities, making it difficult to focus on the main conflict between Jackie and Joy. The constant shifting between universes also makes it hard to establish a clear emotional tone for the scene.
        • The ending of the scene, where Jackie charges at Desmond, feels rushed and lacks a clear resolution. The alternate universes that follow also feel disjointed and don't provide a satisfying conclusion to the conflict.
        • The visual elements in the scene, such as the shrines in the Temple Universe and the dusty copies of Jackie's self-help book, are interesting but could be better integrated into the narrative to enhance the storytelling.
        • The dialogue in the Tax Universe, where Jackie is trying to focus on his taxes, feels repetitive and doesn't contribute much to the overall scene. It could be condensed or reworked to make it more engaging.
        • The introduction of the Hero Universe, where Jackie sees Winona being questioned by SWAT officers, feels disconnected from the main conflict between Jackie and Joy. It adds unnecessary complexity to the scene without adding much depth to the characters or the story.
        • The alternate universes where the outcome of Jackie's confrontation with Desmond is different feel disjointed and don't provide a clear resolution to the conflict. They could be better integrated into the narrative to create a more cohesive and satisfying ending.
        Suggestions
        • Simplify the scene by focusing on the main conflict between Jackie and Joy. Remove the rapid shifting between universes and instead explore the depth of their beliefs and the emotional stakes of their argument.
        • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Joy to make it more nuanced and thought-provoking. Dive deeper into their differing perspectives on morality and their actions, and explore the complexities of their relationship as father and daughter.
        • Consider removing the Wedding Planner character or find a more organic way to introduce her into the scene. Ensure that her presence adds value to the narrative and contributes to the development of the characters or the conflict.
        • Smooth out the transitions between universes to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative. Ensure that each universe serves a purpose in advancing the story and deepening the conflict between the characters.
        • Streamline the scene by focusing on a few key universes that are most relevant to the conflict and the character development. Avoid overwhelming the audience with too many alternate realities that distract from the main story.
        • Revisit the ending of the scene and find a more satisfying resolution to the conflict between Jackie and Joy. Consider how their beliefs and actions can evolve or change as a result of their argument, and provide a clear sense of closure for the audience.
        • Integrate the visual elements more seamlessly into the narrative to enhance the storytelling. Ensure that they serve a purpose in advancing the plot or revealing something about the characters, rather than feeling like disconnected elements.
        • Revise the dialogue in the Tax Universe to make it more engaging and relevant to the overall scene. Condense or rework the conversation to ensure that it contributes to the development of Jackie's character or the conflict between him and Joy.
        • Evaluate the inclusion of the Hero Universe and consider whether it adds depth or complexity to the scene. If not, find a way to integrate the SWAT officers' presence into the main conflict between Jackie and Joy to create a more cohesive narrative.
        • Reimagine the alternate universes where the outcome of Jackie's confrontation with Desmond is different. Ensure that they provide a clear resolution to the conflict and contribute to the overall story arc of the scene.



        Scene 23 -  Jackie's Chaotic Journey Through Alternate Universes
        TAX UNIVERSE: Jackie feels overwhelmed. The paperwork seems
        to be encroaching in on him. His Father laughs at the TV.
        CHEF UNIVERSE: Jackie stands at his hibachi station alone.
        His food is on fire. The crowd surrounds Beefy and their
        boss pats him on the back. Raccacoonie lifts up the Chef hat
        just enough to mouth "fuck you".
        PIG UNIVERSE: Jackie Pig comes out from the woods covered in
        sticks and leaves, and cuts all over. His family waits
        expectantly. He can’t even look at them. He has failed.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE: Jackie is on the ground. The crowd is
        laughing at him The BELL RINGS: end of Round 1. He looks up
        at Winona, she can’t even look at him.
        HOT DOG UNIVERSE: Jackie watches as Joy kisses her wife
        during the ceremony. She gives him an I told you so look.
        TAXES UNIVERSE: He swipes all of the paperwork to the
        ground.
        105.


        But the camera pans up to reveal the papers are also still
        perfectly stacked on the table, because in another universe
        he never swiped them. He tries again, and again: no use. He
        throws them in the air. Instead of dropping, they float to
        the ceiling.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie sees Linus the cat on the ground. He picks him up and
        fluffs him: Linus becomes a pillow. Desmond looks confused.
        Jackie slowly pushes the cat pillow against Desmond’s face
        suffocating him as he thrashes.
        WINONA
        What are you doing?!
        In another universe: he is playing thumb wars with Desmond.
        He is combing Desmond’s mustache. He is piercing Desmond’s
        ear with a piercing gun. He is hugging Desmond.
        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie looks up at the floating papers. He
        smiles-
        Jackie is back in the universe where he is suffocating
        Desmond with a pillow. He turns his head calmly to Winona.

        JACKIE
        Everything.
        A look of horror spreads across Winona’s face. He’s gone.

        WINONA
        Stop it! You’re-


        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - INT. WEDDING BARN
        WINONA
        -You’re drunk, I don’t think you
        should-
        Jackie pushes Winona away. He has just snatched the
        microphone from the maid of honor mid-speech. He takes swig
        of whiskey.
        JACKIE
        It’s my daughter’s wedding, I get
        to do whatever I want-
        106.


        MONTAGE - VARIOUS UNIVERSES

        WAITING FOR IPHONE 14 UNIVERSE: Jackie cuts one person in
        line at an apple store. Everyone gasps.

        SAVE THE RAINFOREST UNIVERSE: Jackie throws a half drunk
        orange soda bottle on the ground.
        FAMILY REUNION UNIVERSE: Jackie walks up to a mom pushing a
        baby carriage. He leans down to look at the baby. He pulls
        out a sharpie and draws a Hitler mustache on it.
        OPERA UNIVERSE: Jackie.Opera is singing "Everybody Was Kung
        Fu Fighting" except he is just screaming the "HUH!" punch
        sound from the song over and over again and causing feedback
        in the mic. The audience heads for the exits.
        HERO UNIVERSE: Jackie claps his hands and starts dancing in
        the IRS parking lot. SWAT officers open fire. Jackie dance
        spasmodically, dodging every bullet.
        FIGHTER UNIVERSE: Jackie is riding on McGregor’s back and
        slapping his butt. The referees don’t know what to do. He
        doesn’t care. McGregor’s daughter watches the TV in horror.
        PINKY UNIVERSE: Jackie is climbing up the side of the
        hospital building carrying the Doctor like King Kong, but
        only using his Pinkies.
        CHEF UNIVERSE: Jackie pulls the chef’s hat off of Beefy
        revealing Raccacoonie in front of everyone. Raccaccoonie
        freezes. Everyone screams. One lady throws up her food.

        SIGN SPINNER UNIVERSE: Jackie is spinning a sign that says:
        "LITTLE CAESAR’S GAVE ME AIDS."
        WRITER UNIVERSE: Chris tries to pull a crazed Jackie away
        from the computer as he writes whatever he wants.

        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - INT. WEDDING BARN
        JACKIE
        ... I always dreamed of this day...
        walking her down the aisle, dancing
        with my daughter... looking forward
        to grandchildren... you know, the
        things that dads want.
        Joy nervously looks at her wife.
        107.


        JACKIE
        So when my daughter told me she was
        a gay, I was very upset. I couldn’t
        understand it. How did I raise my
        daughter like this?
        Guests all begin to whisper. Winona buries her face.
        JOY
        Okay Dad. That’s enough.
        JACKIE
        No! I’m trying to say something
        honest to you, just listen!

        NOODLE UNIVERSE - INT. BOILING POT
        JACKIE.SPAGHETTI
        You’re not going to stick spaghetti
        baby noodle boy! Never. You’re a
        completely different kind of pasta
        with a completely different cooking
        time. So there’s no point in
        trying!
        Baby Noodle Spaghetti Boy goes limp in the pot.

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE
        Jackie shoves Chris off of him.

        JACKIE.WRITER
        I don’t need a back massage from my
        nagging husband right now! I need
        someone who will help me fix this
        story. If you’re just going to hold
        me back, just go!

        This really hurts Chris.

        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. RESTAURANT
        Raccacoonie is running around the restaurant while people
        are chasing him.
        Jackie is on the phone.
        JACKIE
        Yes, I’m calling about a rodent
        problem.
        108.


        HOT DOG UNIVERSE - INT. WEDDING BARN

        JACKIE
        But now I see that the world is
        very big and very stupid. We should
        do whatever we want. People fall in
        love with all sorts of things. Why
        not two girls fall in love? Why not
        two shoes? Why can’t I love this
        fruit?
        Jackie looks tenderly at a edible arrangement watermelon
        filled with fruit.
        JACKIE
        (to watermelon)
        I love this beautiful fruit. I
        love you fruit.
        He unzips his pants. The crowd stares in stunned silence.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM

        WINONA
        Jackie, I have to go.
        JACKIE
        Okay.
        Jackie’s coldness hurts her. She turns before she goes.
        Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

        Summary In this scene, Jackie experiences different universes where he fails or succeeds in various aspects of his life. He interacts with different versions of himself and other characters, including his love interest Winona and coworker Desmond. Jackie engages in inappropriate behavior and makes offensive comments at his daughter's wedding reception. The scene takes place in multiple settings, such as a tax office, hibachi restaurant, forest, fighting arena, and wedding barn. Conflicts arise from Jackie's internal struggle, his strained relationship with Winona, and his offensive comments. The tone is chaotic, surreal, and darkly comedic. Key dialogue includes Jackie's offensive comments about his daughter's sexuality and his declaration of love for a watermelon. Visual elements include floating paperwork and absurd scenarios like suffocating Desmond with a cat pillow. The scene ends with Jackie making an inappropriate gesture towards a watermelon, leaving the crowd in stunned silence.
        Strengths
        • Innovative concept
        • Effective combination of comedy and drama
        • Emotionally impactful moments
        Weaknesses
        • Some dialogue could be further developed

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 8

        The scene effectively combines comedy and drama, creating a chaotic and emotionally impactful sequence. The use of parallel universes adds an innovative element to the storytelling.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of exploring parallel universes and the consequences of the protagonist's actions is unique and engaging. It adds depth and complexity to the scene.

        Plot: 7

        The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist's unraveling and the chaos caused by his actions in different universes. It effectively showcases his emotional journey.

        Originality: 9

        The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its use of parallel universes and the protagonist's unconventional actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters in the scene, particularly Jackie, Winona, and Joy, are well-developed and their emotions and conflicts are portrayed effectively.

        Character Changes: 8

        The protagonist, Jackie, undergoes significant changes throughout the scene. He starts overwhelmed and confused, but eventually finds clarity and acceptance.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of control and purpose in his life.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make a heartfelt speech at his daughter's wedding.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, for the protagonist. The chaos and emotional turmoil create a high level of conflict.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces societal expectations and conflicts with his loved ones. The audience is unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

        High Stakes: 7

        The stakes are high for the protagonist as he faces the consequences of his actions and risks losing the people he cares about.

        Story Forward: 7

        The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the protagonist's emotional journey and the consequences of his actions. It adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

        Unpredictability: 9

        This scene is unpredictable because it constantly shifts between different universes and presents unexpected actions and dialogue from the protagonist.

        Philosophical Conflict: 6

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for personal freedom and societal expectations.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, from laughter to sadness, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts of the characters. It combines humor and honesty to create impactful moments.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a series of unexpected and humorous situations, keeping the audience intrigued and entertained.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast-paced and dynamic rhythm, reflecting the chaotic nature of the parallel universes and the protagonist's emotional state.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 8

        The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the different universes and actions through clear scene headings and descriptions.

        Structure: 7

        The structure of the scene follows a montage format, showcasing various universes and their corresponding actions. It deviates from the expected structure for its genre, but effectively conveys the protagonist's journey.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different universes, making it confusing for the audience to follow.
        • The rapid shifts between universes and realities make it difficult to establish a cohesive narrative or emotional arc.
        • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with characters making random and nonsensical statements.
        • The visual elements, while imaginative, do not serve a clear purpose in advancing the story or enhancing the emotional impact.
        • The offensive and inappropriate behavior exhibited by Jackie in some universes feels gratuitous and detracts from the overall tone of the scene.
        • The scene lacks a clear resolution or conclusion, leaving the audience with a sense of confusion and dissatisfaction.
        Suggestions
        • Provide clearer transitions between the different universes to help the audience understand the shifts in reality.
        • Establish a stronger narrative thread or emotional arc to guide the scene and give it a sense of purpose.
        • Revise the dialogue to be more meaningful and reflective of the characters' motivations and conflicts.
        • Ensure that the visual elements serve a clear purpose in advancing the story or enhancing the emotional impact.
        • Consider toning down or reevaluating the offensive and inappropriate behavior exhibited by Jackie to maintain consistency in the tone of the scene.
        • Provide a clearer resolution or conclusion to the scene to give the audience a sense of closure and satisfaction.



        Scene 24 -  Reflections and Peace
        WINONA
        You know. I’ve spent the last 40
        years asking myself "what if?". I
        guess I should thank you for
        answering that question.
        Jackie doesn’t say anything. Just stares past her.


        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        Winona looks at the mess Jackie has made.
        WINONA
        As always, you have nothing to say?
        109.


        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD

        Jackie is a rock in a field. He stares past everything.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT STADIUM
        Jackie watches as Winona slowly walks away from him. She
        weaves her way through the crowd. Jackie leans his body up
        against the cage. His bruised and sweaty face heaves with
        his breath.
        He watches as Winona gets smaller and smaller.
        JACKIE.FIGHTER
        (whispered to himself)
        Okay. I’ll say something.
        (spits on the ground)
        Want to know what would have
        happened? "What if?"

        MONTAGE - VARIOUS UNIVERSES

        TAXES UNIVERSE: Winona sits on the ground surrounded by
        Jackie’s mess.
        JACKIE (V.O.)
        We’d wake up everyday in a tiny
        apartment over a failing
        laundromat...

        One of the family portraits lays on the ground beside her.
        JACKIE (V.O.)
        We’d have a daughter we wanted to
        give everything to, but would only
        push her away...
        HOT DOG UNIVERSE: Jackie is drunkenly slumped at a piano
        still holding the watermelon edible arrangement. His naked
        leg lifts into the frame and his toes begin to gently play a
        piano ballad.
        MUSIC CUE: RANDY NEWMAN - "PRETTY BOY"
        JACKIE (V.O.)
        And then there’d be us.
        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie and Winona look at each other unable
        to speak.
        110.


        JACKIE (V.O.)
        Keeping our heads high, pretending
        we know what we’re doing. But
        really just running around in
        circles. Doing laundry or trying to
        finish our taxes. Doing everything
        except what we want to be doing.
        WRITER UNIVERSE: Jackie.Writer doesn’t even look up as Chris
        puts his coat on and slams the door on his way out.
        JACKIE.FIGHTER
        I used to think the whole world was
        against us. But now I see that’s
        not true. The world doesn’t care.

        TAXES UNIVERSE: Winona picks up the divorce papers and
        places them next to Jackie with a pen.
        JACKIE (V.O.)
        So whenever you wonder why I don’t
        say anything, its because its
        usually better that I don’t.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE: Jackie has lost all sight of Winona in the
        crowd.
        CHEF UNIVERSE: Jackie looks away as Raccacoonie is carried
        away in a cage by an Animal Control employee. Beefy is being
        held back by other employees.
        Raccacoonie begins singing along to "Pretty Boy" by Randy
        Newman. His morose voice can be heard through all of the
        other universes.
        RACCACOONIE
        (singing)
        We have a tough guy here...
        NOODLE UNIVERSE: Spaghetti Baby Noodle Boy is sinking to the
        bottom of the pot by himself. It is dark down there, and he
        is alone.
        RACCACOONIE
        (singing)
        Please, don’t hurt no one
        tonight...
        PIG UNIVERSE: Jackie Pig is dead behind the eyes. The whole
        family is watching. He lifts his body up onto the
        watermelon. The Pig Children all squeal with joy.
        111.


        RACCACOONIE
        (singing)
        Please, don’t hurt no woman’s
        heart...

        TAXES UNIVERSES: Jackie presses the pen up against the
        divorce papers but hesitates. The ink bleeds from the
        pressure.
        RACCACOONIE
        (singing)
        How about it you little prick...
        how about it...
        The MUSIC EXPLODES INTO A FURIOUS CACOPHONY:

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE: Jackie looks down to see a small puddle of
        water and sweat, and he can see his reflection. He punches
        the ground, over and over. The audience is frightened.
        TAXES UNIVERSE: Jackie flips the table and throws everything
        to the floor.

        OPERA UNIVERSE: Jackie.Singer is on his knees screaming into
        a microphone. No one is there to listen.
        PINKY UNIVERSE: Jackie sits on the top of the building with
        his doctor. His pinkies look infected. He bawls like a baby.
        HOTDOG UNIVERSE: Jackie’s pants sit by his ankles.
        Watermelon juice hits the floor. The wedding guests are
        horrified. Joy shakes her head with an understanding grimace
        as guests scream in horror.
        HERO UNIVERSE: Desmond still holds Winona hostage. Everyone
        is yelling: but it all feels distant and out of focus.

        Music Fades.
        He closes his eyes:

        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD
        Jackie is a rock. Sitting in the grass by a babbling brook.
        JACKIE ROCK
        This is nice.
        Beside him is another Rock. It’s Joy.
        112.


        JOY ROCK
        This is one of my favorites places
        to exist.
        JACKIE ROCK
        Everything feels so far away.
        JOY ROCK
        Exactly.
        We hear DISTANT ECHOES of the other
        universes. Arguing. Gunfire. Booing. Police Sirens.

        Jackie and Joy sit there as rocks watching the other
        universes in peace.

        HOT DOG UNIVERSE: Joy gently wipes the mascara tears off her
        bride’s cheeks. Becky collapses into Joy’s arms and they
        hold each other on the dance floor with floppy hot dog
        fingers. Joy whispers into her ear. They both break out in
        laughter.
        JACKIE ROCK
        You really care about her, don’t
        you? I’m sorry about your wedding.
        JOY ROCK
        (laughs)
        Whatever, it’s all just random
        events organized in ways that you
        can assign meaning to.

        JACKIE ROCK
        I’m still sorry about what I
        randomly did to your edible
        arrangement.
        Genres: ["Drama"]

        Summary Jackie reflects on his life with Winona and imagines different universes where they ended up together or apart. He experiences regret and unresolved conflict, but eventually finds peace sitting as a rock with Joy.
        Strengths
        • Effective portrayal of emotions and regrets
        • Innovative use of parallel universes
        • Reflective and melancholic tone
        Weaknesses
        • Minimal dialogue

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and regrets through its reflective tone and melancholic atmosphere. The use of parallel universes adds depth and complexity to the storytelling.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of exploring different universes to depict the characters' regrets and what-ifs is innovative and thought-provoking. It adds layers of meaning and allows for introspection.

        Plot: 8

        The plot of the scene revolves around the characters reflecting on their past and the choices they made. It effectively conveys their regrets and the consequences of their actions.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its use of multiple universes to explore different possibilities and emotions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters' emotions and internal struggles are well-portrayed, especially through their silence and introspective moments. Their regrets and longing for a different life are palpable.

        Character Changes: 7

        The characters undergo a subtle change as they confront their regrets and come to terms with their choices. They gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their past actions.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reflect on the 'what if' questions and the different paths their life could have taken. It reflects their desire for understanding and closure.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to come to terms with the end of their relationship and find peace.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 4

        The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their regrets and the choices they made. There is no external conflict or confrontation.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist is mainly facing internal conflicts and reflections rather than external obstacles.

        High Stakes: 3

        The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional and internal. The characters' regrets and longing for a different life are the main focus, rather than external conflicts or high stakes.

        Story Forward: 6

        The scene provides insight into the characters' past and their emotional state, but it doesn't significantly advance the main plot. It serves as a reflective interlude.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected scenarios and emotions through the use of different universes. The audience is kept guessing about the outcomes and resolutions of the characters' stories.

        Philosophical Conflict: 7

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between fate and free will. The protagonist is questioning whether their choices and actions truly matter in the grand scheme of things.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as it explores themes of regret, longing, and the passage of time. The melancholic tone and reflective atmosphere enhance the emotional impact.

        Dialogue: 7

        The dialogue is minimal but impactful. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and regrets without relying heavily on dialogue.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a series of emotional and visually striking moments that capture the audience's attention. The use of different universes adds intrigue and keeps the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by allowing the audience to absorb and reflect on the emotional moments. The transitions between different universes maintain a steady flow and keep the scene engaging.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It clearly distinguishes between different universes and effectively conveys the emotions and actions of the characters.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively transitions between different universes and maintains a cohesive narrative.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different universes, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
        • The dialogue between Winona and Jackie feels forced and lacks depth. It could benefit from more emotional and meaningful exchanges.
        • The use of multiple universes and rapid shifts between them creates a chaotic and disjointed tone, but it may be overwhelming for the audience.
        • The visual elements, such as Jackie being a rock in the field, lack clear symbolism or purpose, making them feel random and disconnected from the story.
        • The montage of different universes feels disjointed and lacks a cohesive narrative thread. It may be more effective to focus on one or two universes that have the most impact on Jackie's character development.
        • The use of Randy Newman's song 'Pretty Boy' as a recurring motif feels repetitive and loses its impact after multiple repetitions.
        • The ending with Jackie and Joy as rocks watching the other universes lacks a clear resolution or emotional payoff.
        Suggestions
        • Provide clearer transitions between the different universes to help the reader follow the story more easily.
        • Develop the dialogue between Winona and Jackie to add depth and emotional resonance to their conversation.
        • Consider streamlining the use of multiple universes and focus on the ones that have the most impact on Jackie's character development.
        • Reconsider the visual elements and ensure they have clear symbolism and purpose in relation to the story.
        • Refine the montage sequence to create a more cohesive narrative thread and avoid repetition.
        • Explore alternative ways to convey Jackie's internal struggle and reflection without relying solely on the use of different universes.
        • Provide a clearer resolution or emotional payoff in the ending to give the scene a sense of closure.



        Scene 25 -  Reflections by the Stream
        JOY ROCK
        (sigh)
        It’s fine. I’ve done plenty of
        things I told myself I’d never do.
        JACKIE ROCK
        You’ve defiled a watermelon?
        JOY ROCK
        Of course. But that wasn’t the
        thing that broke me.
        JACKIE ROCK
        What was it?
        113.


        JOY ROCK
        Sigh... I dunno. There’s a universe
        where I... married a doctor.
        JACKIE ROCK
        Really? That’s it?
        Joy Rock lifts up a small picture frame with a family
        portrait in it: Joy with a sweet looking man and two kids.
        JACKIE ROCK
        Beautiful.

        JOY ROCK
        Yeah. He’s Chinese. He went to
        Yale. We have kids. It’s one of the
        few universes where you are proud
        of me. It’s everything I wanted to
        avoid...
        Another serene moment passes. The stream glistens. A leaf
        falls from a tree.

        JACKIE ROCK
        I’m sorry.
        JOY ROCK
        Dad. Don’t apologize, I don’t have
        feelings. I’m a rock.
        JACKIE ROCK
        I just wanted the best for you. And
        I knew that if you were really a
        gay, life was going to be very
        hard. And, it made me feel
        powerless- oh wow its so much
        easier to say these things when
        you’re a rock.
        JOY ROCK
        Stop calling me "a gay". It’s just
        "gay".
        JACKIE ROCK
        Okay, my gay. I know its pointless.
        But it still feels good to say.
        WINONA (V.O.)
        I’m still glad you said something.
        Jackie Rock turns towards the sound. It’s Winona in the
        Fighter Universe:
        114.


        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM

        Jackie turns in shock to find that Winona is still standing
        right next to him. He looks from the Winona next to him to
        the exit where there is another Winona walking away.
        JACKIE.FIGHTER
        You’re still here?
        WINONA
        Of course I am.


        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD
        JOY ROCK
        Dad, don’t get pulled back in.
        Jackie Rock turns from Joy to Winona in the Fighter
        Universe. He can’t help but be drawn in.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. FIGHTING ARENA

        WINONA
        I’m not so naive, you know.
        JACKIE.FIGHTER
        What are you talking about?
        WINONA
        I’ve lived just as many years on
        this earth as you. You think I
        don’t know that life is just
        running in circles? I just think I
        would have really liked doing taxes
        with you.
        She attempts one last smile, before turning and going.


        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        Without a word, Winona stands up and begins cleaning up the
        mess.

        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD
        Jackie Rock tries to resist and shut her beauty out but he
        cannot help but look.
        115.


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING

        Desmond is still holding Winona hostage. They are surrounded
        by throngs of police, medical personnel, and IRS building
        employees, many of whom Jackie has hurt over the course of
        this crazy day. All eyes are on Jackie.
        Jackie is only looking at Winona.
        Winona can see that something in Jackie has changed. He has
        given up.
        JACKIE
        I’m sorry. I surrender.
        DESMOND
        Bullshit! You’re a monster. You
        deserve to die!
        Desmond takes his gun and points it at Jackie. Just as he is
        about to pull the trigger Winona steps between the two men.
        WINONA
        (to Desmond)
        You’re a good man.
        DESMOND
        Get out of the way.

        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD

        JACKIE ROCK
        Winona... don’t...

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Winona takes another step towards the gun with a confidence
        Jackie does not recognize.
        WINONA
        You’re a good man. And he’s a good
        man too.
        DESMOND
        You don’t know what you’re talking
        about!
        WINONA
        You’re right! I don’t know
        anything. I’ve been so confused all
        day. I think I am in one place, and
        (MORE)
        116.


        WINONA (cont’d)
        then I close my eyes and poof I’m
        somewhere else and every one is
        yelling and I don’t remember how I
        got there...
        The intensity in Desmond’s face increases.

        WINONA
        I don’t know what’s going on, but I
        do know that we all have to try to
        be good people, especially when no
        one knows what the fuck is
        happening!
        Jackie can’t help but feel touched. Desmond’s face contorts,
        until he exhales- almost laughs. He tries to say something
        but he doesn’t know what to say. He lowers the gun.

        DESMOND
        (shell shocked)
        I’ve been having the same exact
        day. I thought I was doing the
        right thing, but...
        He starts to cry. Winona holds him and pats him like her own
        child. No one can believe that worked.


        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD
        Jackie rock sheds a single tear. (Yes, rocks can cry.)

        JOY ROCK
        Don’t get sucked back in Dad.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING

        Though Desmond has collapsed on the ground in tears, the
        others are not so moved. The SWAT officers and the other
        angry IRS employees move in on Jackie and Winona.
        Jackie tries to go to Winona to protect her from the chaos
        he’s caused but doesn’t want to hurt more of these people in
        the process. He looses sight of Winona as they beat and
        kick him.
        117.


        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD

        Jackie Rock is watching Winona in every universe.
        Suddenly the camera pushes in: Jackie has an idea-
        Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

        Summary Joy and Jackie Rock have a reflective conversation about regrets and alternate universes while sitting by a stream. Winona appears in different universes and interacts with Jackie. In the Hero Universe, Winona diffuses a tense situation by talking to Desmond. In the Rock Universe, Jackie sheds a tear. The scene ends with Jackie having an idea.
        Strengths
        • Emotional depth
        • Humorous dialogue
        • Exploration of complex themes
        Weaknesses
        • Limited external conflict
        • Lack of high stakes

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene effectively combines emotional depth with humor, creating a compelling and memorable moment in the story.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of exploring different universes and the impact of choices adds depth and complexity to the scene.

        Plot: 8

        The plot progresses as the characters reflect on their choices and the consequences they face.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of different universes and the protagonist's journey through them. The concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's internal and external conflicts provide a fresh approach to storytelling. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-developed and their emotions and conflicts are portrayed effectively.

        Character Changes: 8

        The characters experience emotional growth and acceptance, leading to a change in their perspectives.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the choices and paths not taken in their life. They reflect on their desire for a different life, particularly one where they married a doctor and had a family. This internal goal reflects their deeper need for fulfillment and their fear of regret.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the different universes and find a resolution to the conflicts they are facing. They are trying to protect and understand Winona, while also dealing with the chaos and opposition from the SWAT officers and angry IRS employees.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 6

        The conflict is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their choices and emotions.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from the SWAT officers, angry IRS employees, and their own internal struggles. The audience is unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved, adding tension and suspense.

        High Stakes: 5

        The stakes are primarily emotional, as the characters confront their regrets and desires.

        Story Forward: 7

        The scene provides insight into the characters' motivations and emotions, contributing to the overall development of the story.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it takes the reader through different universes and presents unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey. The reader is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with the concept of being a good person and doing the right thing, even in the face of confusion and uncertainty. This conflict challenges their beliefs and values, as they grapple with the idea of morality and the consequences of their actions.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and regret to hope and acceptance.

        Dialogue: 10

        The dialogue is a highlight of the scene, blending emotional depth with humor and showcasing the characters' unique voices.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it combines emotional moments with moments of tension and conflict. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's journey and their internal and external struggles. The dialogue and narrative description effectively capture the reader's attention.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection and tension. It allows for emotional beats to land while also maintaining a sense of momentum and progression.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and a progression of events. It effectively conveys the protagonist's journey through different universes and the conflicts they face.


        Critique
        • The dialogue between Joy and Jackie feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could benefit from more organic and authentic exchanges.
        • The transition between universes is not clearly defined and can be confusing for the reader. It would be helpful to establish a clearer visual cue or indicator for each universe.
        • The emotional depth of the scene could be further explored. While there are moments of reflection and vulnerability, they could be expanded upon to create a stronger impact.
        • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with some moments lingering too long and others feeling rushed. It would be beneficial to find a better balance to maintain the reader's engagement.
        • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and evocative to enhance the surreal and chaotic tone of the scene.
        • The resolution of the conflict between Jackie and Winona in the Hero Universe feels abrupt and could be further developed to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
        • The use of offensive language and inappropriate behavior at the wedding reception could be toned down or handled more sensitively to avoid alienating or offending readers.
        • The significance of the rock motif and its connection to Jackie's reflection and peace could be further explored and emphasized to create a stronger thematic resonance.
        Suggestions
        • Revise the dialogue between Joy and Jackie to make it more natural and authentic, focusing on their emotional connection and the impact of their words.
        • Establish clearer visual cues or indicators for each universe to help the reader navigate the transitions more smoothly.
        • Expand on the moments of reflection and vulnerability to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.
        • Refine the pacing of the scene to maintain a consistent rhythm and keep the reader engaged throughout.
        • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive reading experience that captures the surreal and chaotic tone.
        • Develop the resolution of the conflict between Jackie and Winona in the Hero Universe to provide a more satisfying and meaningful conclusion.
        • Handle the use of offensive language and inappropriate behavior at the wedding reception with sensitivity and consider toning it down or finding alternative ways to convey the character's emotions.
        • Further explore the significance of the rock motif and its connection to Jackie's reflection and peace, weaving it more seamlessly into the thematic fabric of the scene.



        Scene 26 -  A Sudden Realization and a Tearful Reunion
        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE
        Jackie.Writer sits up from his couch where he was balled up
        and looks at the photo of him and Chris. He has a sudden
        realization. Then:

        A flurry of keyboard strokes. Letters sprawling across the
        screen.

        The last page is ripped from the printer.
        And out the door he goes.

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. CAR

        Jackie.Writer speeds down the road, oxygen tank in the
        floorboards, one hand on the stack of papers sitting in the
        passenger seat, to keep them from blowing in the wind.


        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. BAR - NIGHT
        Jackie enters holding his manuscript. He scans the late
        night bar crowd. He spots Chris.

        Before Jackie can even say anything, Chris interrupts.
        CHRIS
        How’d you know I was going to be
        here.
        JACKIE
        I know you.
        Beat of silence.
        Chris sighs and takes his jacket off the seat beside him.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        118.


        Jackie is still being beaten.

        As one of the SWAT members takes another swing, his helmet
        falls from his face. Though he has no recognition of Jackie,
        Jackie recognizes him:
        It’s Chris, his husband and editor, in another life.
        Jackie gets up on one knee to get a better look.
        CHRIS.SWAT
        Stay on the ground!

        JACKIE
        I know you.

        CHRIS.SWAT
        I said, stay on the ground!
        He goes for another swing.

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. EDITOR APARTMENT

        CHRIS
        (dry)
        Oh, great, you’ve written me into
        the story too. So fun.
        Chris is reading very mechanically. He is scribbling notes
        and crossing out entire sentences like an automated robot.

        CHRIS
        (skimming quickly)
        "he realizes, in another universe,
        the two of them aren’t strangers,
        but lovers"...
        (putting down paper)
        Okay I get it, thank you, I’m so
        glad I get to be immortalized as a
        minor minor character that is
        shoehorned in as some emotional key
        for your protagonist in what is
        potentially going to be, and I mean
        no offense here, just speaking
        objectively as your husband, your
        worst book ever.
        Jackie doesn’t even seem fazed. He even smiles.
        JACKIE
        Keep reading.
        119.


        With a prominent shake of the head, Chris continues reading.
        The smug look on his face disappears. He mouths along in
        astonishment.
        We see the text he is reading is exactly what he just said:
        "I get to be immortalized as a minor", "shoehorned in as
        some emotional key", "just speaking objectively as your
        husband".
        CHRIS
        How did you know...?


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie.Hero’s stare penetrates Chris.SWAT. Chris.SWAT is
        about to hit Jackie again.
        JACKIE.HERO
        I know you.
        MATCH CUT:


        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE - (FLASHBACK)
        -A younger Chris and Jackie get caught in the rain together.

        -Chris and Jackie are laughing over diner food.
        -Jackie watches as Chris excitedly gives notes on something
        Jackie has written. You can see his enthusiasm. You can see
        his passion.
        -Chris has fallen asleep in his writing chair. Jackie pulls
        a blanket over him, and cleans up his desk.

        JACKIE.WRITER (V.O.)
        I know you better than anyone.


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Chris.SWAT hits Jackie.Hero knocking him to the ground.
        CHRIS.SWAT
        Shut up!
        Jackie.Hero looks up at Chris. He sees:
        120.


        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE - (FLASHBACK)

        It’s late at night. Chris and Jackie are sharing whiskey,
        curled up together on the couch. Chris is divulging deep and
        personal secrets. He looks like he’s on the verge of tears.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie.Hero feels stupid saying it but he is compelled to:
        JACKIE.HERO
        Hitting me isn’t going to make your
        dad any prouder of you.
        Chris.SWAT’s face contorts into anger.
        CHRIS.SWAT
        What the fuck?

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. EDITOR APARTMENT

        CHRIS.EDITOR
        (fighting tears)
        What is this emotionally
        manipulative bullshit? I told you
        that in confidence.

        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD

        JOBU.ROCK (SUBTITLE)
        Oh god, really classy dad.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        JACKIE.HERO
        (knowing it sounds stupid)
        If he can’t love you for you who
        you are then he doesn’t deserve all
        of your effort. You can stop trying
        to be the best, and just be you.
        Winona and Joy watch, incredulous.
        Chris.SWAT hits him again.
        CHRIS.SWAT
        (through tears)
        Stop it with the fucking corny ass
        shit, man! You don’t know me...
        121.


        Chris.SWAT breaks down in tears, and falls into Jackie’s
        arms. Jackie is freaked out, but relieved.
        CHRIS.SWAT
        ... fucking... corny old, man...
        you’re right... you’re so right...

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. EDITOR APARTMENT
        Chris is doing his best to fight back any tears.
        CHRIS
        (reading aloud)
        "Jackie finally said what he should
        have said a long time ago: ’You are
        my only friend, and I would be
        nothing with out you.’"
        Jackie mouths along.
        CHRIS
        (tearful)
        Babe... I’m sorry but, its really-
        JACKIE.WRITER
        Schlocky. I know. I might throw it
        all out. Might throw out the whole
        book. I just couldn’t let you go
        to bed without knowing how
        important you are.

        Jackie puts his hand on Chris’. They smile.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Action"]

        Summary Jackie.Writer has a sudden realization and rushes to a bar to find Chris. In a flashback, we see their past moments together. In the Hero Universe, Jackie.Hero is being beaten by Chris.SWAT who eventually breaks down in tears and falls into Jackie's arms. The conflict arises between Jackie.Hero and Chris.SWAT as Chris.SWAT beats up Jackie.Hero. The conflict is resolved when Chris.SWAT breaks down in tears and falls into Jackie's arms. The scene ends with Chris.SWAT breaking down in tears and falling into Jackie's arms.
        Strengths
        • Emotional depth
        • Strong character development
        • Engaging dialogue
        • Intense conflict
        Weaknesses
        • Some repetitive dialogue

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with strong character development and intense conflict. The dialogue is well-written and reveals the complex emotions of the characters.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of parallel universes and the exploration of different versions of the same characters adds depth and intrigue to the story.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is driven by the revelation of Jackie and Chris's past relationship and the conflict between their different universes. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to know the outcome.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of parallel universes and the use of different settings to convey different aspects of the protagonist's journey. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 10

        The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically. The scene delves into their past and present selves, creating a strong connection with the audience.

        Character Changes: 9

        Both Jackie and Chris undergo significant emotional changes throughout the scene. They confront their past and present selves, leading to personal growth and redemption.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with Chris, his husband and editor, and express his love and appreciation for him. This reflects the protagonist's deeper need for emotional connection and validation.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront Chris.SWAT, who is attacking him. This reflects the immediate challenge and danger the protagonist is facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between Jackie and Chris, both in their past and present selves, creates tension and drives the scene forward. It keeps the audience engaged and emotionally invested.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces physical and emotional challenges from Chris.SWAT. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high as Jackie and Chris confront their past and present selves, risking their emotional well-being and the future of their relationship.

        Story Forward: 8

        The scene reveals crucial information about the characters and their relationship, moving the story forward and setting up the climax.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and revelations, such as the protagonist recognizing Chris in different universes and the emotional impact of their interactions. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the scene.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between emotional vulnerability and self-protection. The protagonist is torn between expressing his true feelings and protecting himself from potential rejection or hurt.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 10

        The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through the revelation of the characters' past and the intense conflict. It leaves a lasting impact.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and conflicts. It effectively conveys the depth of their relationship and adds depth to the scene.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a series of dramatic and emotional moments that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and suspense.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of tension and reflection. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions of the characters' actions and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by clearly establishing the different universes and their respective settings. The scene transitions smoothly between the different locations.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different universes, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
        • The dialogue between Jackie.Writer and Chris in the bar feels forced and lacks depth. It would benefit from more emotional depth and authenticity.
        • The flashback scenes are too brief and don't provide enough context or emotional impact to fully understand the relationship between Jackie and Chris.
        • The dialogue between Jackie.Hero and Chris.SWAT in the Hero Universe feels cliché and lacks originality. It could be more nuanced and unique to their characters.
        • The emotional moments in the scene, such as Chris breaking down in tears, feel rushed and could be given more time and space to fully resonate with the audience.
        • The dialogue between Jackie.Writer and Chris in the editor apartment feels contrived and overly sentimental. It could benefit from more subtlety and naturalness.
        • The ending of the scene, where Jackie.Writer puts his hand on Chris' and they smile, feels cliché and lacks originality. It could be more unique and unexpected.
        Suggestions
        • Add clear transitions between the different universes, such as visual cues or dialogue that indicate the shift in reality.
        • Develop the dialogue between Jackie.Writer and Chris in the bar to be more authentic and emotionally resonant. Explore their history and conflicts in a deeper way.
        • Expand the flashback scenes to provide more context and emotional depth to the relationship between Jackie and Chris. Show more of their shared experiences and moments of connection.
        • Revise the dialogue between Jackie.Hero and Chris.SWAT in the Hero Universe to be more unique and specific to their characters. Avoid clichés and strive for originality.
        • Give more time and space to the emotional moments in the scene, allowing them to fully resonate with the audience. Slow down the pacing and focus on the characters' internal struggles.
        • Rewrite the dialogue between Jackie.Writer and Chris in the editor apartment to be more subtle and natural. Avoid overly sentimental language and clichéd expressions of love.
        • Consider a more unexpected and unique ending for the scene, one that subverts expectations and adds depth to the characters' relationship.



        Scene 27 -  Jackie's Kindness Triumphs in Multiple Universes
        Jackie looks around at each and every individual. He sees
        flashes of other universes; he has lived with each of them.
        One of them a neighbor, another a best friend, a sister. He
        sees them all and how they could have been connected-- no,
        how they are connected.
        Jackie faces off against them as they approach menacingly.
        WINONA
        Jackie, what are you doing?
        JACKIE
        I don’t know, yet.
        122.


        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CHAN APARTMENT

        Jackie stands holding his broom like its Excalibur. Jackie
        helps Winona sweep up a piles of papers. It’s nothing
        special, but it feels good.
        The sound of their SWEEPING continues as an arrhythmic score
        for the next sequence. The score will continue to grow with
        every universe adopting sound effects and musical themes
        from each universe.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM
        Jackie runs after Winona, through the crowd, and turns her
        around.
        JACKIE
        Please. Let me drop you off at the
        airport.
        Winona has every feeling of rage and joy swirling within.

        WINONA
        What about your fight?
        Jackie looks up and sees another Jackie is in the ring with
        everyone arguing about the fight around him.

        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD

        JOBU ROCK
        I know what you’re trying to do.
        JACKIE ROCK
        Good.
        JOBU ROCK
        It’s not gunna end well. Trust me.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        He walks towards his opponents. And he smiles.
        WINONA
        Jackie, what are you doing?!
        Jackie dodges a kick, side steps a punch, ducks under a
        swinging baton and rolls like a gymnast.
        123.


        JACKIE
        I’m killing them...
        Jackie sweep kicks a SWAT officer causing him to trip. Just
        as the SWAT officer is about hit the ground, Jackie
        seamlessly turns a car tire into a couch cushion and gently
        catches his fall.
        JACKIE
        With kindness.
        Winona shakes her head in disbelief.

        As the officer falls, his helmet falls off revealing he is
        actually the Sign Spinner’s boss.

        Jackie dives, just as the Swat / Sign Spinner boss fires a
        wired taser at him, it splinters into a tree behind him.
        Jackie takes the two taser wires in his hands and they turn
        into ear buds. He sticks them into the Sign Spinner boss’s
        ears, and grabs the taser, it instantly turns into an old
        ipod.

        It plays a folk song that only the Sign Spinner Boss knows
        because his mother used to sing it to him. A peace falls
        over his face.

        Jackie rolls back onto his feet-
        MATCH CUT:


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie pulls a SWAT riot shield out of the hands of a SWAT
        member. As he flings it behind him, it transforms mid air
        into a child blankie with little Raccoons all over it.
        The raccoon blankie lands on a SWAT member who holds it up
        shaking his head in disbelief. He drops his baton. It’s the
        Beefy Chef.
        MATCH CUT:

        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT BENIHANA’S KITCHEN
        Jackie approaches Beefy who has tears streaking his face.
        JACKIE CHEF
        I need your help.
        124.


        BEEFY CHEF
        Why would I help you? He’s the only
        thing I had in this world. The only
        reason I felt like I could be good
        at something.
        JACKIE CHEF
        I know. I need your help getting
        him back.
        Beefy looks at him in disbelief.


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie grabs Beefy.Swat’s hair, just like Racaccoonie, which
        makes him raise his arms and hug Jackie.
        Jobu steps out of her ambulance where she’d been watching.
        JOBU
        The fuck?


        CHEF UNIVERSE - INT. BENIHANA’S KITCHEN
        Beefy grab’s Jackie’s hand and nods. He swings Jackie up
        onto his shoulders. Jackie puppets Beefy to pick up two
        knives and they run out the door.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING

        In one fluid motion, Jackie riding on Beefy’s shoulders
        dodges a gunshot, knocks a SWAT member’s helmet off, and
        slices his kevlar jacket, ripping open the breast pocket of
        his undershirt. A photo of a young girl flutters out. Jackie
        catches it and hands it to the man: its Mcgregor.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM
        Jackie watches as the referees and the agents and everyone
        argue, trying to figure out how to penalize him.
        JACKIE
        (to Mcgregor)
        I’m tired of pretending. And I know
        deep down you are too. Let’s give
        ’em a real fight.

        McGregor mulls this over. He looks up at his daughter.
        125.


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING

        Mcgregor holds the photo of his daughter. His face goes
        soft.

        Jackie seamlessly does a split, while pulling two SWAT
        officers in to kiss each other.
        He rips out a grenade from someone’s belt and presses down
        the pin like a perfume bottle, spraying a mist in someone’s
        face, causing them to sigh with nostalgia.
        He blocks three punches from someone else, catches her arm
        and then pets himself behind the ear with her hand while
        panting like a dog.

        JACKIE
        Arf Arf
        ANGRY LADY
        (through tears)
        What the? Ralfie?

        But then Jackie is caught off guard. Joy hits him across the
        head with a rock.
        JOY
        You’ve always been so optimistic,
        Dad. Try for once to keep things in
        perspective.
        Jackie holds his forehead, as blood dribbles through his
        fingers. He falls backwards-
        MATCH CUT:


        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        Jackie places another pile of receipts on the table. He
        stares at Winona searching for a response.
        WINONA
        Why are you still here? Just go.
        I’ll do this myself. I might as
        well get used to it.
        JACKIE
        I’m ready to talk now.
        WINONA
        Its a little late for that.
        126.
        Genres: ["Drama","Action","Comedy"]

        Summary In this intense and action-packed scene, Jackie experiences flashes of other universes and their connections. He confronts his opponents with kindness, using a broom like Excalibur and dodging a wired taser. Jackie pulls off impressive moves like doing a split while making two SWAT officers kiss each other. Seeking help from Beefy Chef, he aims to rescue his friend. However, the conflict escalates when Joy hits Jackie across the head with a rock, leaving him injured and bloodied. Despite the challenges, Jackie's unwavering kindness prevails in the face of adversity.
        Strengths
        • Engaging action sequences
        • Emotional character moments
        • Whimsical tone
        Weaknesses
        • Some dialogue could be more impactful

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and entertaining, with a perfect balance of action, emotion, and humor.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of Jackie facing off against different versions of himself and using kindness as a weapon is unique and intriguing.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is fast-paced and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats, with unexpected twists and turns.

        Originality: 8

        This scene has a level of originality in its approach to conflicts and resolutions. The use of imagination and unconventional solutions adds a fresh perspective to familiar situations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed.

        Character Changes: 8

        Jackie undergoes a transformation, realizing the power of kindness and redemption.

        Internal Goal: 8

        Jackie's internal goal in this scene is to understand his own actions and purpose. He is questioning his own motives and trying to figure out what he is doing and why.

        External Goal: 7

        Jackie's external goal in this scene is to help Winona and resolve the conflicts in each universe. He wants to bring peace and kindness to the situations he encounters.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict between Jackie and his different versions creates tension and suspense.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty. The protagonist faces challenges and conflicts in each universe, and the audience is unsure of how he will overcome them.

        High Stakes: 8

        The stakes are high as Jackie fights for redemption and the safety of his loved ones.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts and setting up the final climax.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements and resolutions. The use of imagination and unconventional solutions keeps the audience guessing about what will happen next.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of using kindness and peace to overcome challenges and conflicts. Jackie's actions challenge the belief that violence and aggression are the only solutions.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes a range of emotions, from confusion to rage to joy.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is witty and engaging, with a mix of humor and emotional depth.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a unique and imaginative concept, introduces conflicts and challenges, and keeps the audience curious about the protagonist's actions and motivations.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow. The transitions between different universes are smooth, and the action and dialogue are well-paced.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively conveys the actions, dialogue, and transitions between different universes.

        Structure: 7

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It transitions smoothly between different universes and maintains a clear focus on the protagonist's goals.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different universes, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
        • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, especially in the interactions between Jackie and Winona.
        • The visual elements are not fully utilized to enhance the surreal and chaotic tone of the scene.
        • The conflicts introduced in the previous scenes, such as Jackie's inappropriate behavior and strained relationship with Winona, are not effectively addressed or resolved in this scene.
        • The emotional tone of the scene is not consistently maintained, with moments of reflection and melancholy abruptly shifting to intense action.
        • The scene lacks a clear narrative arc or purpose, making it feel disconnected from the overall story.
        • The character development of Jackie and Winona is limited in this scene, with their motivations and emotions not fully explored or conveyed.
        • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of closure.
        Suggestions
        • Provide clearer transitions between the different universes, such as using visual cues or distinct dialogue tags.
        • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to deepen their relationship and explore their emotions and motivations.
        • Utilize visual elements more effectively to enhance the surreal and chaotic tone of the scene, such as incorporating unique camera angles or visual effects.
        • Address and resolve the conflicts introduced in the previous scenes, such as Jackie's inappropriate behavior and strained relationship with Winona, to create a more cohesive and satisfying narrative.
        • Maintain a consistent emotional tone throughout the scene, balancing moments of reflection and melancholy with the intense action.
        • Ensure that the scene serves a clear narrative purpose and contributes to the overall story arc.
        • Further develop the character of Jackie and Winona in this scene, delving into their inner thoughts and motivations to create more depth and complexity.
        • Provide a clearer resolution or sense of closure at the end of the scene to leave the reader with a satisfying conclusion.



        Scene 28 -  A Pacifist Battle and a Fresh Start
        ROCK UNIVERSE - EXT. FIELD
        JOBU ROCK (V.O.)
        All of the good things you try to
        do... well, you know... the
        universe has a way of balancing
        things out.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jackie has blood dripping down his face. He looks up to see
        Joy step in front of him. She can’t help it. She has to
        fight. Still, Jackie has nothing but love in his eyes.
        Joy charges, Jackie peacefully dodges every blow as best he
        can. He catches her sleeves and stretching them out,
        turning them into blankets, and wrapping her up in an
        affectionate embrace.
        She quickly pulls away in disgust-


        HOTDOG UNIVERSES - EXT WEDDING BARN
        Joy walks out and approaches her dad.
        JOY
        Dad, what are you doing here?
        JACKIE
        I know its not going to make a
        difference.
        JOY
        Then why are you here?
        JACKIE
        I just want my father-daughter
        dance.

        Jobu sneers at him.

        TAXES UNIVERSES - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        Jackie and Winona sit at the table together.
        WINONA
        I printed out those papers because
        I wanted you to take it seriously.
        I wanted you to notice me and maybe
        we could fix things, but it messed
        everything up.
        127.


        JACKIE
        Then let’s start over then. Let’s
        pretend it didn’t happen.
        WINONA
        Now that its out its all I’m going
        to think about. The whole thing is
        stained now. We are stained and
        dirty.

        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING

        Jackie and Jobu continue their pacifist battle.

        TAXES UNIVERSES - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        WINONA
        There’s a wall built up, and I
        can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.
        Jackie picks up the divorce papers. And signs them. One
        sticky note after another.
        JACKIE
        Look at this! Look! It’s done!

        WINONA
        (hurt)
        What?!

        JACKIE
        We are no longer husband or wife.
        WINONA
        What are you trying to say?!
        JACKIE
        Now that you and I are no longer
        married and are just two nothing
        people sitting at a nothing table,
        what do you want to do?
        Winona is shocked as she takes the papers and looks at them.
        WINONA
        I don’t know!
        128.


        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE

        Jackie.Writer breathes out. He stares down at his keyboard
        like a foe.

        He takes a big gulp of coffee and begins typing away in a
        burst of inspiration.
        The keys hammer down with the intensity of a boxer.
        TIP. We see Jackie.Fighter punching.
        TAP. We see Jackie.Taxes pressing a key on the calculator.
        TIP. Jackie.Chef is on top of Beefy, riding a motorcycle.

        TIP. TAP. TAP. It becomes a percussive element of the score.
        The camera pushes into Jackie.Writer as if he is being
        struck by divine inspiration-

        HOTDOG UNIVERSE - EXT. WEDDING BARN

        Jackie puts out his hot dog hand.
        JACKIE
        If it really doesn’t matter, then
        why don’t you just dance with me.
        Joy looks down at her father’s floppy fingers.


        HERO UNIVERSE - EXT. IRS BUILDING
        Jobu aims Linus the gun cat at an exhausted Jackie’s
        face. He isn’t fighting back.
        He slowly starts dancing.

        She shakes her head. She can’t believe he’s getting to her.

        TAXES UNIVERSES - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        They look at the divorce papers. Winona’s face relaxes.
        WINONA
        I don’t want this.
        JACKIE
        Me neither.
        129.


        WINONA
        Okay.
        JACKIE
        Okay.
        She rips up the divorce papers.
        Jackie and Winona look at the torn up paper.
        JACKIE
        What do we do now?

        WINONA
        Whatever we want.

        JACKIE
        I want to finish these taxes with
        you.
        Jackie smiles. Winona is confused. He grabs her hand.


        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. AIRPORT
        Jackie grabs Winona’s hand and they are running through the
        airport like young lovers.

        SPAGHETTI UNIVERSE - INT. BOILING POT
        A stray spaghetti strand reaches out of the fray and down
        into the depths of the pot to grabs onto his son.
        SPAGHETTI BABY NOODLE BOY
        What are you doing?

        JACKIE.SPAGHETTI
        Our boiling time is almost up.

        SPAGHETTI BABY NOODLE BOY
        But you said-
        Jackie.Spaghetti pushes his noodle body through his macaroni
        son’s elbow and lifts him off the bottom of the pot.
        Noodle Baby Boy looks about as shocked as a noodle baby boy
        can be.
        130.


        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. FIGHTING ARENA

        Jackie.Fighter throws all he has into a roundhouse
        punch. McGregor ducks it and counters. Jackie stumbles back
        impressed.
        Blinded by the light, Jackie sees a momentary vision in the
        light: his Old Master takes a bow.
        OLD MASTER
        You haven’t forgotten.
        Jackie nods and smiles.
        McGregor’s daughter watches with anticipation.


        HOTDOG UNIVERSE - EXT. WEDDING BARN
        Joy relents. She grabs his hot dog hand. They begin to
        dance.
        JOY
        You’re the worst.

        SPAGHETTI UNIVERSE - INT. BOILING POT

        NOODLE BABY BOY
        I’m scared.
        JACKIE.SPAGHETTI
        You’re ready. Don’t be afraid.
        A giant chef hand plucks them from the spoon.
        JACKIE.SPAGHETTI
        Here we go.
        He throws them-
        Noodle-father-threaded-through-noodle-son. It’s magical,
        like flying.

        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM
        Jackie.Taxes wipes the dripping sweat from his face as he is
        scribbling on a notepad. Winona is beside him furiously
        organizing receipts. They pass things back and forth like a
        dance.

        TAP. He slices an inky underline across his page-
        131.


        CHEF UNIVERSE - EXT. ANIMAL CONTROL TRUCK
        Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Fantasy"]

        Summary Jackie and Joy engage in a pacifist battle outside the IRS building while Jobu threatens Jackie with a gun. Meanwhile, Jackie's divorce with Winona is finalized, but they decide to tear up the papers and start over. They finish their taxes together, and Jackie finds inspiration while typing. Jackie and Joy dance together, and Jackie playfully throws his spaghetti body and his son's through a boiling pot. Jackie and Winona rush through the airport and Jackie fights McGregor in a fighting arena. They finish their taxes together and immerse themselves in their work.
        Strengths
        • Emotional depth
        • Strong character development
        • Poignant dialogue
        • Effective theme exploration
        Weaknesses
        • Limited external conflict
        • Some dialogue could be more concise

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is emotionally impactful, with strong character development and a significant plot advancement. The dialogue is poignant and the theme of redemption is explored effectively.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of different universes and the idea of balancing good and bad actions adds depth to the story. The scene showcases the power of forgiveness and the importance of personal growth.

        Plot: 9

        The plot advances significantly as Jackie and Winona confront their issues and decide to start over. The scene also sets up the climax of the story by resolving conflicts between characters.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique blend of multiple universes, fantastical elements, and imaginative storytelling. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters show growth and vulnerability, particularly Jackie who transforms from a passive observer to an active participant in his relationships. Winona's emotional journey is also well-developed.

        Character Changes: 9

        Jackie undergoes a significant character change, from a passive and disconnected individual to someone who actively seeks redemption and reconciliation. Winona also experiences growth and learns to let go of past hurts.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with his loved ones and find happiness. This reflects his deeper need for connection and his fear of being alone.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to resolve conflicts and find resolution in his relationships. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 7

        While there is conflict between characters, it is resolved relatively quickly and peacefully. The focus is more on emotional resolution and personal growth.

        Opposition: 7

        The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces conflicts and challenges in his relationships. The audience is unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

        High Stakes: 7

        While the stakes are not life-threatening, they are emotionally significant. The characters' relationships and personal happiness are at stake.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts and setting up the climax. It also establishes the final character arcs and motivations.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces multiple universes and fantastical elements, creating unexpected and surprising moments. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the twists and turns of the scene.

        Philosophical Conflict: 7

        There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for reconciliation and the challenges and obstacles he faces in achieving it. This conflict challenges his beliefs about love, forgiveness, and the nature of relationships.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 10

        The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the moments of reconciliation and forgiveness. It leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is heartfelt and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys the conflicts and resolutions in their relationships.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it combines humor, emotion, and fantastical elements to create a unique and captivating story. The conflicts and challenges faced by the protagonist, as well as the witty dialogue and vivid descriptions, keep the audience invested in the scene.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor, emotion, and action. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different universes, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Joy in the Hero Universe feels forced and unnatural.
        • The emotional beats in the scene are not well-developed, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
        • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with some moments feeling rushed and others dragging on.
        • The visual elements in the scene are not effectively utilized to enhance the storytelling.
        • The conflict between Jackie and Joy in the pacifist battle is not fully explored or resolved.
        • The resolution of Jackie and Winona's divorce feels abrupt and lacks emotional impact.
        • The transitions between the different universes could be smoother and more seamless.
        • The scene lacks a clear focus or central theme, making it feel disjointed and unfocused.
        Suggestions
        • Provide clearer transitions between the different universes to help the reader understand the shifts in time and space.
        • Rewrite the dialogue between Jackie and Joy in the Hero Universe to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
        • Develop the emotional beats in the scene by giving the characters more depth and exploring their motivations and conflicts in greater detail.
        • Refine the pacing of the scene by trimming unnecessary dialogue and action and focusing on the most impactful moments.
        • Utilize the visual elements in the scene to enhance the storytelling and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
        • Further explore and resolve the conflict between Jackie and Joy in the pacifist battle to create a more satisfying and meaningful resolution.
        • Give the resolution of Jackie and Winona's divorce more weight and emotional impact by building up to it and allowing the characters to fully process their feelings.
        • Improve the transitions between the different universes by using visual cues or motifs to create a more cohesive and seamless narrative.
        • Establish a clear focus or central theme for the scene to give it a sense of purpose and direction.



        Scene 29 -  Reconciliation at the IRS Office
        Jackie is puppetting Beefy as they leap off the motorcycle
        onto the animal control truck like action heroes.

        Raccaccoonie watches them in awe out the side window.
        TIP. Beefy and Raccaccoonie begin to sing to each other.

        FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM
        TAP. Jackie.Fighter punches his opponents face, blood and
        sweat explode in the air-

        FIGHTER / LOVERS UNIVERSE - EXT. RIVER SIDE
        TIP. Jackie’s hands mime the explosion of the fireworks as
        Winona’s eyes are lit up by the fireworks-

        EXT. OUTER SPACE - SUN

        TAP. Jackie.Sun is exploding as all of his light and gas is
        being sucked into the black hole-


        HOTDOG UNIVERSE - EXT. WEDDING BARN
        Joy’s head slowly is pulled towards Jackie’s shoulder. It
        makes contact. Her face relaxes. She exhales.


        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE
        Command S! The screen reads "Saving document..."


        TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CHAN APARTMENT
        Jackie.Taxes pen explodes, ink gently sprays against the
        paper.
        The chaos slowly stops. We hear the overlapping sounds
        gently subside.
        Jackie throws the pen in the trash and finds another one. He
        finishes writing one last number and circles the final
        tally.

        Jackie and Winona look at each other.
        132.


        FADE TO BLACK

        ON BLACK
        TITLE: PART 3: ALL AT ONCE
        PERFUME GENIUS - "OTHERSIDE" begins to play.

        INT. IRS LOBBY - MORNING
        Jackie and Winona walk down the hallway just like yesterday.

        JACKIE
        Can I say something?

        WINONA
        (hesitant)
        Of course.
        JACKIE
        Now I’m always going to be scared
        you’ll want to divorce me again.

        WINONA
        Sorry.
        JACKIE
        No, it’s kind of nice. I can’t get
        lazy.
        WINONA
        Well, I don’t want to divorce you
        today, okay?
        JACKIE
        Okay.
        Winona grabs Jackie’s hand.

        He looks at her a bit unsure then squeezes it back.
        They walk like that, holding hands towards the elevator.
        It’s like middle school again. It’s like first love.
        WINONA
        I have to use the restroom.
        JACKIE
        I’ll hold your purse?

        She hands it to him, grateful, then she turns away.
        133.


        JACKIE
        Wait.
        He grabs her hand again and pulls her in.

        AND THEY KISS!
        Probably for the first time in years he kisses her and she
        kisses him back.

        INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR OFFICE - LATER

        A wall of triumphant music plays as Jackie and Winona sit in
        front of Desmond who sips another protein shake.

        With saintlike serenity, they hold hands and patiently wait
        as Desmond lists all of their infractions and thumbs through
        a pile of red sticky notes. The camera slowly pulls back
        from this mundane moment.
        Jackie and Winona look at each other. They both inhale.


        CUT TO: BLACK
        TITLE: "Everything, Everywhere, All at Once."
        Genres: ["Action","Romance","Comedy"]

        Summary In the final scene, Jackie and Winona hold hands and walk towards the IRS office. They share a kiss, rekindling their relationship after years. Desmond, present in the office, lists their infractions. The scene ends with a bittersweet tone as Jackie and Winona face the consequences of their actions. The title 'Everything, Everywhere, All at Once' appears on a black screen.
        Strengths
        • Engaging dialogue
        • Emotional impact
        • Creative concept
        Weaknesses
        • Lack of high stakes
        • Limited conflict

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is highly engaging and emotionally impactful, with a good balance of action, romance, and comedy. The dialogue is meaningful and the characters undergo significant changes.


        Story Content

        Concept: 8

        The concept of combining different universes and genres adds depth and creativity to the scene. It keeps the audience intrigued and entertained.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and moves the story forward. It introduces conflict and resolves it in a satisfying way.

        Originality: 9

        The level of originality in this scene is high. The combination of different universes and the use of magical realism to explore the protagonist's internal and external goals is fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


        Character Development

        Characters: 9

        The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are clear. They undergo significant growth and their interactions are believable.

        Character Changes: 9

        Both Jackie and Winona experience significant character changes in the scene. They overcome their fears and commit to each other, rekindling their love.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear of divorce and reconnect with his wife. This reflects his deeper need for love, security, and a stable relationship.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully navigate through their meeting with Desmond at the IRS office and resolve their tax issues. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 7

        There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, mainly centered around the characters' fears and insecurities in their relationship.

        Opposition: 6

        The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The main obstacle is the protagonist's fear of divorce, but it is resolved relatively easily and quickly.

        High Stakes: 6

        The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the emotional journey of the characters rather than external threats or challenges.

        Story Forward: 8

        The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between the characters and setting up the next part of the narrative.

        Unpredictability: 7

        This scene is unpredictable because it blends different universes and unexpected moments of connection between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

        Philosophical Conflict: 0

        There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly hope, joy, and nostalgia. The reunion and kiss between the characters is a powerful moment.

        Dialogue: 8

        The dialogue is meaningful and reveals the characters' thoughts and feelings. It is also humorous at times, adding to the overall tone of the scene.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it combines elements of fantasy, romance, and personal growth. The moments of connection between the characters and the resolution of their fears and conflicts create a sense of emotional satisfaction and anticipation for what's to come.

        Pacing: 8

        The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of action and emotion. It allows the audience to fully experience the magical and intimate moments between the characters while maintaining a sense of momentum.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It clearly distinguishes between different locations and effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It transitions smoothly between different universes and effectively conveys the progression of the protagonist's journey.


        Critique
        • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different universes, making it confusing for the reader to follow.
        • The use of all caps for certain actions and sounds is distracting and disrupts the flow of the scene.
        • The inclusion of the Raccaccoonie character and the singing between Beefy and Raccaccoonie feels out of place and doesn't contribute to the overall story.
        • The scene jumps between different universes without a clear narrative purpose, making it feel disjointed.
        • The visual descriptions are sparse and could benefit from more detail to enhance the reader's understanding of the scene.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona lacks depth and emotional resonance, especially considering the significance of their reconciliation.
        • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of closure.
        Suggestions
        • Provide clear transitions or headings to indicate the shift between different universes.
        • Avoid using all caps for actions and sounds, and instead integrate them into the narrative more smoothly.
        • Consider removing the Raccaccoonie character and the singing between Beefy and Raccaccoonie, as they don't seem to serve a purpose in the scene.
        • Reevaluate the inclusion of the different universes and ensure they contribute to the overall story and character development.
        • Add more vivid and detailed visual descriptions to create a stronger sense of the different universes and enhance the reader's immersion.
        • Revise the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to make it more emotionally resonant and reflective of their journey.
        • Provide a clearer resolution or sense of closure at the end of the scene to leave the reader with a satisfying conclusion.