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Scene 1 -  Chris struggles with fatherhood and work
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
The Pursuit of Happyness
By
Steve Conrad




4/25/05

Revised 1st Draft
EXT. VENICE, CALIFORNIA - DAY (1976)

CHRIS GARDNER, sits on a park bench with his girlfriend LINDA
near a busy amusement park pier in Venice. Linda is a few
months pregnant. Chris wears a navy Seaman’s uniform. Other
sailors wait near a small bus across the street; one is
waving Chris over. The script Venice, California 1976
appears.

SAILOR
(calling Chris to the bus)
We have to get back to the ship!

Chris ignores the guy. Something heavy’s going on between
Linda and Chris. They both seem blue.

CHRIS
(to Linda, calmly)
I’m almost out. One more year. Then
I’ll get a good job. And I’ll take
care of him. Hey.

Chris has said “hey” to get Linda to face him because she
hasn’t been. She does.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I never had a dad. That’s not going
to happen to him. I’ll always take
care of him.

LINDA
You didn’t want to be in this kind
of thing.

CHRIS
What kind of thing?

LINDA
Kid. Not married. No jobs. No real
jobs. Neither did I.

She’s sad over the event of her pregnancy. Chris tries to
cheer her in his calm way.

CHRIS
I’ll get some good work after the
navy. It’s going to be fine. It’s
going to be.

Chris makes a brave face for Linda, but something about his
demeanor shows he knows, because of the pregnancy, that he’s
in a hard spot now he never wished to be in.
2.



EXT. SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY (1981)

In the more urban setting of San Francisco, trash in City of
San Francisco cans is laid out for pick up in the beaten down
tenderloin district.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD - SAME

A row of low income housing and two-story motels make up a
city block in this same neighborhood.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO CA. - SAME (1981)

Chris waits to cross a street in San Francisco. He’s with his
son CHRISTOPHER, 5. Chris wears a coat and tie and carries a
pretty large, square machine of some kind. The script San
Francisco, 1981 appears.

CHRISTOPHER
Maybe I should make a list.

CHRIS
For your birthday gifts?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah.

CHRIS
Well, you know, you’re just going
to get a couple things.

CHRISTOPHER
Just to look at. And study. So I
can choose better.

CHRIS
Can you spell everything you’re
thinking of?

Christopher thinks about it.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah...

CHRIS
Okay. Make a list. That’s smart.

The light changes. They start to cross.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Are you doing okay in here?
3.



Chris has nodded up ahead to a city-neighborhood, cut-rate
daycare.

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah... Can we go to the park
today? After?

CHRIS
I’m taking the bus back from
Oakland. I don’t know when I’ll get
home.

EXT. MRS. CHU’S DAYCARE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris leaves the daycare building after leaving Christopher
there. But he turns and looks back at the building.

He’s looking at their poorly-maintained mural of kids
playing. The paint’s peeling. There’s graffiti over kid’s
faces. And someone’s written Fuck in spray paint on it.

Then Chris looks at the daycare motto painted above. Mrs.
Chu’s Daycare. Fun, Joy, Happyness. Chris looks at the word
Happyness. Time passes. Then he speaks to a Chinese daycare
maintenance worker who’s sweeping out there.

CHRIS
That’s misspelled.

MAINTENANCE WORKER
Hui hyu tsa.

CHRIS
Happiness? There’s no y. After p.

The guy keeps sweeping. Chris keeps looking at the wall, then
he looks inside the window at his son. Inside there,
Christopher’s playing with blocks by himself - he looks more
lonesome than pleased.

INT. DAYCARE PLAYROOM - SAME

While Christopher plays quietly, Chris stands outside the
window looking in. Christopher doesn’t see him.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I’m Chris Gardner.

EXT. MRS. CHU’S - SAME

Chris remains at the window on the San Francisco sidewalk,
looking in at his son.
4.



He’s watching Christopher play with the blocks alone inside.
There, a dog no one’s paying attention to walks right across
the kid’s play area over to a food bowl; there’s spilled food
laying around his bowl. It’s a cramped, unhappy setting for
kids.

Then Chris looks away from the window.

CHRIS (V.O.)
This is part of my life story.

He looks at his watch. Late for something, Chris starts
running off with his machine.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris Gardner struggles with the hardships of fatherhood while also trying to find work to provide for his family. He is stuck in a hard spot due to his girlfriend being pregnant and is forced to work a low-income job.
Strengths "The scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie and the struggles the protagonist will go through, creating a sense of empathy with the viewer. The dialogue is realistic and portrays the characters in an authentic light. The setting and imagery also add to the overall impact of the scene."
Weaknesses "There isn't a lot of action or movement in the scene, which some viewers may find slow-paced. There isn't a lot of character development in this scene either."
Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of setting up the characters, their situation, and their emotional state. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, the dialogue between Chris and Linda could be more natural and less expository. It feels like they are simply reciting their backstory to each other, rather than having a conversation. Finding a way to integrate this information more organically would make the scene feel more realistic.

Second, the description of the setting in San Francisco feels unnecessary. While it's important to establish the location, describing the trash cans and low-income housing in detail doesn't add much to the scene. Instead, focusing more on the characters and their interactions would make the scene more engaging.

Lastly, the voiceover at the end feels like a sudden shift in tone and perspective. While it's important to establish Chris as the protagonist, the voiceover feels heavy-handed and unnecessary. Finding a more subtle way to introduce Chris as the main character would make the scene feel more skillful and nuanced.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more visual description and detail to the scene. Instead of just stating that Chris and Linda seem "blue," show their body language and facial expressions to convey their emotions. Additionally, adding more description to the setting would help to immerse the audience in the world of the story.

Another suggestion would be to add more conflict and tension to the scene. Right now, the conversation between Chris and Linda is relatively calm and straightforward. Adding in a source of conflict, whether it be an argument or disagreement, would make the scene more engaging and push the story forward.

Finally, consider adding in more dialogue that reveals character or foreshadows later events in the story. This would give the audience more insight into the characters and plot, and keep them invested in what happens next.



Scene 2 -  Riding the Bus
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris sits on a bus bench in the city; the guy beside him’s a
drunk Filipino with a screw loose, 60, in a T-shirt that
reads World’s Greatest Dad. Chris keeps the machine on his
lap. The two sit there waiting for the bus.

CHRIS (V.O.)
This part, in the eighties... this
part’s called Riding the Bus.

All of a sudden, the Filipino guy faces Chris and looks
astonished.

FILIPINO GUY
Holy shit, did you just crystallize
from nowhere?

The guy points at Chris’s machine.

FILIPINO GUY (CONT’D)
That’s a time machine. Holy shit.

The bus arrives.

FILIPINO GUY (CONT’D)
(laughing)
Holy shit, man.

Chris’s expression shows the guy’s disturbing his peace. He
stands up to catch the bus.

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides through east San Francisco; he’s staring out the
window like he’s got something heavy on his mind. He keeps
the machine on his lap.
5.



CHRIS (V.O.)
That’s a bone density scanner.

FILIPINO GUY
This guy has a time machine! This
one fucker!

The Filipino’s seated in the row behind Chris, looking
through the crack between the seats; he’s addressing everyone
on the bus.

FILLIPINO GUY (CONT’D)
He crystallized beside me!

EXT. BUS BENCH, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris waits for a transfer bus on a bench alone; he’s staring
at the machine on his lap.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Where would I go if it was one? If
it was a time machine I wondered.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris carries his scanner as he walks through the city.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Two years back, probably, before I
took this job.

EXT. ST. FRANCIS HOSPITAL, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

A DOCTOR and Chris part company before the entranceway to St.
Francis Hospital. Chris still has his scanner.

CHRIS (V.O.)
This thing was unnecessary and
expensive. It gave a slightly
denser picture than an x-ray, for a
ton more money.

DOCTOR
We just don’t need it, Chris. It’s
unnecessary. And expensive.

EXT. STREET CORNER, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

A still image of Chris standing among a crowd of San
Franciscans waiting for a walk light; he’s staring at the
scanner like he has personal hard feelings toward it.
6.



CHRIS (V.O.)
This was the business I bought
into, when we moved to San
Francisco.

*What follows is a montage of still images of Chris with his
scanner in assorted places around San Francisco, waiting at
corners, waiting for the bus.

EXT. STREET/SIDEWALK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris walks up a sidewalk. A guy leaves a parked Mercedes a
short distance ahead of him. Chris has been watching him.

CHRIS
(making eye contact)
Hey...

MERCEDES OWNER
Hi...

Chris looks at the car. Then he looks at the guy again.

CHRIS
How are you doing?

MERCEDES OWNER
Good.

CHRIS
(smiling)
Did you have to go to college to do
your job?

MERCEDES OWNER
(smiling back)
Yeah. I’m a structural engineer.
Yeah.

Chris nods. The light changes. Chris starts to cross the
street. Then he checks his watch and starts to run.

EXT. OAKLAND CA. - LATER

Chris runs along the sidewalk beyond a busy Oakland street;
he’s carrying his scanner.

CHRIS (V.O.)
That’s my car.

In the foreground, among the cars parked on the streetside,
is a hazel Riviera with a yellow Denver boot locked down on
the front wheel. A policeman writes a ticket beside the car.
7.



EXT. OAKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - LATER

Chris jogs with the scanner up the walkway to the main
entrance of Oakland Memorial Hospital.

CHRIS (V.O.)
There’s limited parking near
hospitals.

INT. ELEVATOR, HOSPITAL - LATER

Chris rides up the elevator, holding his scanner box.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I made four hundred and eighteen
dollars on each sale.

INT. CORRIDOR, HOSPITAL OFFICES - LATER

Chris carries his scanner down a long hallway.

CHRIS (V.O.)
A thirty dollar ticket every three
days was a business expense. I
thought I’d take it out of the
commission on my scanners. As I
sold them.

EXT. OAKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - LATER

Chris walks out the same doors he entered on his way in; HE
STILL HAS THE SCANNER, THOUGH.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I just wasn’t selling any.

INT. CHRIS’S HAZEL RIVIERA - LATER

This is a shot through the windshield of Chris’s parked car.
Bright orange tickets cover the lower half of the windshield.
Chris is visible through the clear space of the glass,
walking across the street up ahead, carrying his scanner.

CHRIS (V.O.)
And I needed at least one
commission a week to cover rent and
daycare.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Chris rides the bus through San Francisco while attracting attention with his bone density scanner.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Introduces main character's struggles
Weaknesses
  • Slow pace
  • Minimal plot development
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear objective and conflict with Chris struggling to sell his bone density scanner in order to make a living. The use of voiceover adds depth to the scene and helps convey Chris's inner thoughts and feelings. However, the dialogue between Chris and the Mercedes owner could use some work. It seems disjointed and doesn't flow naturally. Additionally, the montage of still images feels a bit unnecessary and detracts from the momentum of the scene. Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening and more natural dialogue.
Suggestions 1. Show the setting better: Instead of just saying "the city", be more specific about where Chris is and what the environment looks like. This will help the audience get a better sense of the scene.

2. Give the Filipino guy a purpose: Right now he seems like a random character who just shows up and disappears. Giving him a clear purpose or defining his role in the scene will make it more meaningful.

3. Consider the pacing: The scene feels a bit slow at the moment. Adding more action or dialogue could improve the pacing and keep the audience engaged.

4. Develop Chris's character: We don't know a lot about Chris at this stage. Showing more of his personality or backstory could make him a more compelling character.

5. Be careful not to overuse voiceover: Voiceover can be a useful tool, but using it too much can be distracting. Consider cutting back on some of the VO and letting the visuals speak for themselves.



Scene 3 -  The Bus and a Rubik's Cube
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. BUS STOP, OAKLAND - LATER

Later, Chris sits on a bus bench beside an unaccompanied
Chinese kid trying to play a trumpet; it’s nearly evening.
8.



CHRIS
(facing the kid)
Would you stop that?

The kid stops and faces Chris.

KID
(to Chris)
Hu xia tu hi ma.

The kids sits quietly for a moment, then he resumes playing
the trumpet.

CHRIS (V.O.)
So... the bus...

The bus pulls up.

INT. BUS, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides beside the window, with his bone scanner, looking
out at the landscape.

CHRIS (V.O.)
All I’m saying... riding the bus
somedays is a drag.

The kid’s playing the trumpet somewhere behind him. Chris
sits there for a while. He’s sharing the row with a real
heavy guy and he’s sort of over against the wall with his
machine.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I remember... I think it was this
day... I remember I actually tried
it.

Chris looks down at his scanner.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Just in case that crazy fucker was
somehow right.

Chris keeps staring at the machine.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I had this stupid thought, or wish,
that maybe he was right and
everyone else was crazy, and maybe
I was a time traveler and didn’t
know it and could really go
somewhere else if I pushed the
button.
9.



CLOSE ON CHRIS as he considers this. He puts his finger on
the black button.

CHRIS (V.O.)
And I actually pushed the button...
like an idiot...

Chris pushes the button on his medical machine.

CHRIS (V.O.)
...and went nowhere.

Chris sits there for a moment. He’s gone nowhere of course.
Soon, he turns and looks out the window. The city’s going by
beyond him.

EXT. SIDEWALK, SAN FRACISCO - LATER

Chris walks down the sidewalk with the scanner. He comes upon
a young man paying a meter for a parked Ferrari; Chris has
looked at the guy and the car.

CHRIS
(to the guy, saying hi)
Hey.

FERRARI OWNER
Hey.

CHRIS
Can I ask you something?

FERRARI OWNER
What?

CHRIS
(to the guy)
What do you do?

FERRARI OWNER
(looking over)
What? For a job?

CHRIS
Yeah.

FERRARI OWNER
I’m a stockbroker.

Time passes.

CHRIS
Do you have to go to college?
10.



FERRARI OWNER
Have to?

CHRIS
Yeah.

More time goes by.

FERRARI OWNER
You don’t have to.

Chris nods. The guy’s said it to mean you don’t have to but
you sure should. Then Chris starts to cross the street.

INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris and Linda eat dinner at the kitchen table without
speaking. Linda wears a grocery worker’s uniform. The
apartment’s small and unadorned with anything. Some time
passes during which there’s the heavy silence between a
couple not getting along.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER (NIGHT)

Linda cleans up after dinner. Chris walks past and sees a
RUBIK’S CUBE resting on a kitchen counter.

CHRIS
What’s this?

LINDA
A gift for Christopher.

CHRIS
From who?

LINDA
Cynthia. From work. It’s for
adults. It’s an adult thing. Chris
can’t use it. She didn’t know.

CHRIS
What is it?

LINDA
You’re supposed to make every side
a solid color.

Chris picks the thing up.

LINDA (CONT’D)
Did you pay the taxes?
11.



CHRIS
I filed an extension...

LINDA
You already filed an extension.

CHRIS
I had to file another one. The bill
was six hundred and fifty. I’ll
have it in September.

LINDA
That means interest. Right?

CHRIS
Yeah. Some.

Money seems to be a source of conflict for them. Rather than
deal with it further, Linda leaves the room. Chris remains
there.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris Gardner rides the bus and contemplates his life while dealing with the hardships of being a father and struggling to provide for his family. Later, at home with his girlfriend Linda, they have a conflict over taxes and finances.
Strengths "The scene's strength is in its portrayal of the everyday struggles of a working-class family. The conflict between Chris and Linda over finances adds emotional weight to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene feels somewhat repetitive and slow-paced at times."
Critique Overall, this scene could benefit from some stronger development in terms of plot and character. While it sets up some potential conflict between Chris and Linda over money, it's not clear yet why this conflict matters or how it will drive the story forward.

Additionally, the use of voiceover throughout the scene feels unnecessary and can be distracting. Instead of telling the audience what Chris is thinking or feeling, there could be more emphasis placed on showing his emotions through his actions and dialogue.

The introduction of the young man paying for the Ferrari feels random and doesn't contribute much to the scene. If this character is going to be important later on, there needs to be more groundwork laid for his significance.

Overall, the scene needs more focus and purpose in order to drive the story forward.
Suggestions 1. Improve dialogue: The dialogue between Chris and the kid with the trumpet is very minimal and doesn't add anything to the scene. Consider adding more meaningful dialogue or interaction between the two characters.

2. Establish setting: The location of the bus stop is briefly mentioned, but there is no description of the surroundings or atmosphere. Adding more detail and description can help set the tone and mood of the scene.

3. Show, don't tell: The scene relies heavily on voice-over narration to convey Chris's thoughts and feelings. Consider finding ways to show these things visually through actions, expressions, or other dialogue rather than relying solely on narration.

4. Add character development: There is limited character development in this scene. Consider adding more background information or backstory that can help the audience understand Chris's motivations and perspective.

5. Increase tension: The conflict between Chris and Linda about money feels like it could be a source of tension but isn't fully explored in the scene. Finding ways to increase the tension and conflict between the two characters can make the scene more engaging.



Scene 4 -  Chris Contemplates His Life
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. PATIO, APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT)

Chris has come out on the patio idly with the cube; it’s not
a patio in the sense that one would derive enjoyment from
sitting there. It’s cement space outside the kitchen. Each
small apartment in the complex has one, so Chris is sitting
five feet from his neighbor’s patios on either side. He’s
started messing with the cube. Time passes like this while
Chris, over a minute or so in real time, SOLVES THREE SIDES
OF THE RUBIK’S CUBE COMPLETELY. His thoughts are somewhere
else, though, so he doesn’t care to finish. He just puts the
thing down and goes back inside.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY (MORNING)

Chris and Linda share the real small space of their bathroom;
Chris brushes his teeth. Linda’s finishing dressing for work;
they’re in the middle of an argument.

CHRIS
(upset about it)
Does he have to be in daycare from
6:30 in the morning?

LINDA
(pissed too)
Can you watch him?

CHRIS
I need to be in the financial
district. Before work.
12.



LINDA
I have to open. It’s the
nineteenth. We have to pay rent
next week. I need both shifts.

Linda tries to leave and bumps Chris’s shoulder.

LINDA (CONT’D)
Fuck...

Linda walks out. Chris is left alone. He stands there for a
while. Then he resumes brushing his teeth. A few moments go
by. Chris rises up and looks in the mirror for a while; he’s
sizing himself up. Time passes while Chris looks at himself.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Chris has followed Linda into their bedroom.

CHRIS
I just want to go by Dean Witter.
Before work.

LINDA
For what?

CHRIS
I want to see about a job.

LINDA
What job?

CHRIS
I want some information about a job
there.

LINDA
What job?

CHRIS
Stockbroker.

Linda looks at Chris like he’s aiming off the mark for what’s
likely or best for them.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I could go through a math book in a
week when I was a kid. I want to
see about it.

LINDA
I have to open. So you have
Christopher.
13.



CHRIS
I’ll go by during the day.

LINDA
You should probably do your sales
calls. Sell what’s in your contract
and get us out of that business,
Chris. Fuck, Chris. Okay?

Linda has finished dressing and leaves the room. Chris
watches her go.

INT. CHRISTOPHER’S BEDROOM - LATER

Christopher’s sleeping. The clock beside his bed reads 5:30.
Chris sits on the bed, waking him up.

CHRIS
Christopher...

INT. BREAKFAST TABLE - LATER

Chris and his son have breakfast. The table’s in the kitchen.
The kitchen’s real small. It’s pretty early. Christopher’s
holding a cereal spoon. But his eyes are closed and he’s
motionless. Chris looks over at him.

CHRIS
(trying to wake him up)
Pssst.

Christopher’s eyes open. Chris looks at him. There’s a small,
black and white TV on the counter that plays local news;
there, a field reporter’s holding a Rubik’s Cube up for the
camera.

REPORTER
...is shaping up to the be the gift
sensation of 1981. Don’t expect to
solve it easily, although we
encountered a math professor at USF
who took just thirty minutes on
his.

Chris notices the TV. He’s getting the idea the cube’s a
challenge he could pass easily. He looks back at Christopher.
Christopher’s eyes are closed again. Chris looks at him with
bad feelings he’s got his son up so early.

EXT. BUS STOP, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris is freshly dressed for work and is holding a scanner as
he sits waiting for the San Francisco city bus.
14.


The kid with the trumpet sits beside him, playing it. Chris
stares straight ahead like he’s determined about something.

EXT. DEAN WITTER OFFICE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Businessmen and women walk around the financial district.
Soon, Chris becomes visible, turning a corner onto the same
sidewalk, joining the group of traders and brokers. He stops
and looks across the street at a Dean Witter branch office;
he’s holding the scanner. Then he turns back the way he came.

EXT. SIDEWALK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Down the street, Chris speaks with a GIRL JUNKIE who sits a
couple steps up apartment stairs off the sidewalk. The
scanner rests at Chris’s feet; Chris holds some dollar bills.

CHRIS
Can I give you a couple dollars?
You can watch this for me? I’m
going in for a meeting. I don’t
want to bring this in and look
small time.

GIRL JUNKIE
Yeah.

Chris hands the girl the money. Something occurs to him.

CHRIS
(doesn’t want her to steal
it)
It can’t be sold anywhere. It’s
medical equipment. It can’t be sold
anywhere. I can’t even sell them,
and it’s my job. I’ll give you some
more money when I get back.

GIRL JUNKIE
Yeah.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris struggles with being a father and provider while contemplating his life choices. He has a conflict with Linda over finances and ultimately decides to go to Dean Witter to see about a job as a stockbroker. He also briefly interacts with a girl junkie to watch his bone density scanner.
Strengths
  • Realistic portrayal of a struggling father and provider
  • Subtle use of the Rubik's Cube as a metaphor for Chris's life challenges
Weaknesses
  • Slow pacing may turn off some viewers
Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved.

Firstly, there seems to be a lack of clear conflict or stakes. While there is an argument between Chris and Linda, it is not one that seems to be driving the story forward or creating tension. Additionally, Chris's desire to become a stockbroker is not clearly motivated and feels somewhat random.

Secondly, there is a lack of visual interest in the scene. It mostly consists of characters talking to each other, with little action or movement. This makes the scene feel static and unengaging.

Finally, there is a lack of clear character development or motivation. The audience doesn't know much about Chris or Linda's backstory, desires, or goals, which makes it hard to empathize with them or understand their actions.

In order to improve this scene, it would be helpful to introduce stronger stakes or conflict that will drive the story forward and keep the audience engaged. Additionally, incorporating more visual interest or action into the scene, such as characters moving around or doing physical tasks, could help make it more engaging to watch. Finally, adding more information about the characters' backgrounds, desires, and goals could help make their actions and motivations clearer and more relatable.
Suggestions 1. Add more character development: While the scene is clear and concise, it lacks any real character development for Chris and Linda. Without more information and context, the audience may have a harder time connecting to and caring about their situation.

2. Cut down on unnecessary exposition: The scene spends too much time describing the patio and the fact that each apartment has one. This detail has no bearing on the plot or character development, and took up valuable screen time that could have been used instead to further explore the characters.

3. Add more conflict: The argument between Chris and Linda is a good start, but the scene would benefit from more conflict to keep the audience engaged. Perhaps they could disagree on what Christopher needs, or Chris' decision to give the scanner to a stranger could cause problems later on.

4. Make the dialogue more natural: The dialogue in the scene feels scripted and unnatural. It would be helpful to have the actors improvise some of the lines to make them feel more realistic. Additionally, adding pauses and naturalistic speech patterns could help make the scene feel more organic.

5. Focus on visual storytelling: The scene relies heavily on dialogue to explain what is happening, but it would be more effective to show rather than tell. For example, instead of hearing Chris explain that he wants to be a stockbroker, show him studying finance books or talking to someone in the industry. This would help the audience understand his motivations without him having to say too much.



Scene 5 -  Chris Gardner's Failed Attempt to Retrieve His Scanner
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 5
  • Dialogue: 5
INT. RECEPTION AREA, DEAN WITTER BRANCH - LATER

Chris sits alone in the reception area. Then TIM BROPHY
enters the room.

TIM BROPHY
Chris?

CHRIS
(standing quickly)
Hi.
15.



TIM BROPHY
(offering his hand)
Tim Brophy. Resources. I was going
out to grab a coffee. Do you want
to come?

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris and Tim Brophy have come outside to a nearby public
park square. They’re mid-conversation, sitting together on
the low, perimeter wall of the park fountain.

TIM BROPHY
Here’s an ap. For our internship.
That’s all we can do for you here.

Brophy hands the application to Chris.

CHRIS
Thanks...

TIM BROPHY (CONT’D)
We have a resume sheet, too. We’ve
had a lot of applications, though.
We’re out.

CHRIS HAS NOTICED SOMETHING ACROSS THE PARK, THOUGH; THE GIRL
JUNKIE’S CARRYING HIS SCANNER OFF. She’s walked away with it
into the city.

TIM BROPHY (CONT’D)
You can pick one up at your school.
We send them out.

CHRIS
Mr. Brophy, I have to go.

TIM BROPHY
Okay.

CHRIS
I have to. Thanks.

Then Chris rises and runs off.

EXT. SIDEWALK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris sprints through a large group of young market traders
on break.
16.



EXT. STREET/TRAIN STATION, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

The girl junkie with the scanner takes the stairs up to the
train. It’s a long shot that shows city sidewalk a good
distance behind her; Chris is visible down there running
toward her. But the train comes and blocks the view. The
train sits there, obscuring anything that’s happening behind
it. After a while, it moves along, and when it’s totally out
of frame it reveals Chris standing on the station platform
all alone without his scanner, having reached it too late.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I rode up and down looking for her.
That day.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris stands near the window of the moving train, watching
the city landscape pass outside.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

This train’s moving the other way. Chris is seated now. He
looks at the papers Brophy gave him.

CHRIS (V.O.)
There were three blank lines after
“High School” to list more
education. The program took just
twenty people every six months. One
got a job. The internship paid
nothing.

EXT. CITY TRAIN PLATFORM, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris leaves a train later with some others. He walks across
the platform toward the stairs, then he puts the application
in the trash can by the steps and keeps walking.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - MORNING

It’s just sunrise so there’s little traffic. Chris and
Christopher leave Linda at a bus stop bench for her ride to
work and start walking off on their own somewhere; Chris
carries a scanner, Christopher a backpack.

LINDA
(to Chris, about the
scanner, kidding sort of)
Come back without that, please.
17.



CHRIS
(trying to be light-
hearted about it)
I’m going to. Say goodbye to it.
Because I’m coming back without it.

LINDA
(to the scanner, just
slightly amused)
Goodbye. And good riddance.

CHRIS
(trying to kid)
You didn’t have to add “good
riddance.”

LINDA
(to Chris and Christopher)
Goodbye.
Genres: []

Summary Chris meets with Tim Brophy to get an internship application but becomes distracted when he sees the girl junkie who stole his bone density scanner. He chases after her but is too late. He later throws away the internship application and heads home with his son and the scanner.
Strengths
  • The scene shows Chris's determination to retrieve his scanner and how important it is to him.
  • The scene also foreshadows Chris's decision to pursue a career as a stockbroker.
Weaknesses
  • The scene lacks significant conflict or emotional impact.
  • The dialogue is minimal and doesn't reveal much about the characters.
Critique Overall, this scene could use more action and conflict to make it more engaging for the audience. While the dialogue is realistic, there could be more tension between Chris and Tim Brophy during their conversation about the internship application. Additionally, the moment where Chris notices the girl junkie walking away with his scanner and runs after her lacks excitement. It could be made more dramatic with a chase scene.

One possible improvement could be to have Tim Brophy be hesitant about giving Chris the application at first, creating a stress point for Chris to try and convince him. This would add more tension and conflict to the scene. The chase scene with the girl junkie could also be made more intense, perhaps involving more obstacles along the way.

Furthermore, the final conversation with Linda could use more development to show the relationship between the characters. It feels like a throwaway moment at the end, and could benefit from more character development or dialogue that shows more about their dynamics.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and action to enhance the emotional impact and create a more engaging and dynamic scene for the audience. Here are some specific suggestions:

- In the first part of the scene where Chris and Tim Brophy are at the public park square, consider adding more details about their surroundings to create a richer visual atmosphere. For example, you could describe the sounds and sights of the busy city life around them, or the way sunlight filters through the trees in the park.
- When Chris notices the girl junkie with his scanner, try to make this moment more dramatic and suspenseful. You could slow down the pacing of the scene, and add more physical action to show Chris trying to catch up with her.
- Consider adding more sensory details to the parts of the scene that take place on the train. For example, you could describe the way the train smells, or the sound of the wheels on the track. This will help to immerse the audience in the world of the story.
- Try to create a more emotional and impactful ending to the scene where Chris throws the application in the trash can. You could add a beat where he pauses before throwing it away, to show his internal conflict and the weight of the decision he's making.
- Finally, try to add more characterization and depth to the interactions between Chris, Linda, and Christopher. This will make the audience more invested in their relationships and make them care more about what happens to them throughout the story.



Scene 6 -  Father-Son Bonding and Disappointment
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - LATER

Chris and Christopher have walked farther into east San
Francisco, past a park where one guy’s shooting baskets.
Christopher’s watching him.

CHRIS
That’s not how you spell it.

CHRISTOPHER
How?

CHRIS
P-p-y. It’s an “i.” Happiness.

CHRISTOPHER
That’s an adjective?

CHRIS
Yeah. It’s just not spelled right.

CHRISTOPHER
Is “fuck” right?

Chris doesn’t say anything for a while.

CHRIS
Yeah. But that’s not part of the
motto. So... you’re not supposed to
learn that. It’s a grown up word.
To show anger, and other things.
Drop it, okay?
18.



CHRISTOPHER
All right.

CHRIS
What’s it say on your bag? That
tape?

CHRISTOPHER
My nickname. We picked nicknames.

CHRIS
What’s it say?

CHRISTOPHER
Hot Rod. Did you have a nickname?

Chris thinks for a while.

CHRIS
Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER
What?

CHRIS
Ten Gallon Head...

CHRISTOPHER
What’s that?

CHRIS
I lived in Louisiana, near Texas.
Before I joined the navy. People
wore cowboy hats. A ten gallon’s a
big hat. I was good at school. I
was smart when I was a kid, so they
called me Ten Gallon Head.

CHRISTOPHER
Hoss wears that hat.

CHRIS
Hoss?

CHRISTOPHER
Hoss Cartwright. On Bonanza.

CHRIS
How do you know Bonanza?

CHRISTOPHER
I watch Bonanza at Mrs. Chu’s.
19.



CHRIS
You watch Bonanza at daycare?

Christopher’s gotten distracted by a Chinese pushcart
passing.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Hey. You watch Bonanza at daycare?

Christopher nods.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
When?

CHRISTOPHER
What?

CHRIS
When do you watch it? After snack?
After your nap?...

CHRISTOPHER
After Love Boat.

Chris looks down at his son, getting pissed.

CHRIS
(quietly)
Fuck...

CHRISTOPHER
I made my list. For my birthday.

CHRIS
(distracted, thinking
about the TV issue)
What did you pick?

CHRISTOPHER
A basketball. Or an ant farm.

CHRIS
Okay...

EXT. MS. CHU’S DAYCARE - LATER

Out front of the daycare doorway, in the San Francisco
neighborhood, Chris holds a conversation with elderly,
Chinese MRS. CHU.

CHRIS
He says he’s watching TV.
20.



She shows Chris an inch distance between her thumb and
forefinger.

MRS. CHU
Little TV. For history.

CHRIS
Love Boat?

MRS. CHU
For history. Navy.

CHRIS
That’s not the navy.

MRS. CHU
Little TV.

CHRIS
He could watch TV at home. We pay
three hundred dollars a month. I’m
going to take him out if you’re
watching TV.

MRS. CHU
Navy history. Little history.
Little TV. Go pay more at other
daycare if you don’t like history
TV.

Chris’s expression means he doesn’t have that money.

MRS. CHU (CONT’D)
You late pay anyway. You complain,
I complain. You late pay.

In the middle of this, Chris looks at his watch; he’s late.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Chris and his son Christopher talk about nicknames and language. They visit Christopher's daycare, where Chris confronts the owner about letting the students watch Love Boat under the guise of 'history'. Chris is also late for an appointment.
Strengths "The conversation between Chris and Christopher feels real and shows a strong bond between father and son. The scene also touches on themes of education and childcare."
Weaknesses "The scene drags on a bit too long and doesn't really move the story forward."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and provides insight into the characters of Chris and Christopher. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon:

1. Dialogue: While the dialogue is realistic and serves the purpose of advancing the plot, some of it feels a bit forced and expositional. For example, the conversation about the word "happiness" and "fuck" seems out of place and doesn't flow naturally.

2. Pacing: The scene feels a bit slow and meandering, which may cause the audience to lose interest. Tightening up the dialogue and focusing on more important plot points could help improve the pacing.

3. Use of action: The scene relies heavily on dialogue, with little action taking place. Adding more physical action or movement could help break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually dynamic.

Overall, while the scene could use some improvements, it does a good job of establishing the characters and setting up the conflict that will likely drive the rest of the story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Establish the conflict earlier: The conversation between Chris and Mrs. Chu about the TV issue does not come until the end of the scene. To increase tension and stakes, consider introducing the conflict earlier, so that the audience is aware of the issue from the beginning. For example, Chris could be worried about what Christopher is learning at daycare or noticing that his son is becoming increasingly interested in violent or inappropriate TV shows.

2. Clarify the character motivations: Chris’s frustration with Mrs. Chu could be more clearly motivated. For instance, he could be struggling financially and unable to afford higher-quality daycare, which might make his anger and frustration at the situation more understandable. Alternatively, he could be overprotective and worried about his son being exposed to things he doesn’t approve of.

3. Develop the father-son relationship: The conversation between Chris and Christopher about nicknames is the most emotionally resonant part of the scene, but it could be expanded upon. To make the relationship more engaging, you could include more moments of bonding between father and son, or add subtext to their conversations that hints at underlying conflicts and tensions.

4. Be specific about the setting: Describe the surroundings in more detail to make the scene more vivid and immersive. For example, you could include sensory details like the smell of the Chinese pushcart or the feel of the San Francisco breeze.

5. Tighten up the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels repetitive or unclear. To improve the scene, read through the lines several times and ask yourself if each line is necessary, if it is clear and concise, and if it reveals something about the character or advances the plot.



Scene 7 -  Running for Opportunity
  • Overall: 7.8
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - LATER

Chris stands on a platform, with his scanner, waiting for a
train.

Chris looks across the tracks.

CHRIS’S POV

THE TRASH CAN CHRIS PUT HIS APPLICATION IN rests on the
opposite platform from his.

Chris stands across the tracks looking at it.
21.



STATION SPEAKER
Blue line...

Chris looks down the line for the train. IT’S COMING. Chris
looks across the tracks at the trash can.

CHRIS (V.O.)
This part of my life’s called...
running.

Like a bolt, Chris takes off running. He sprints with his
scanner toward the platform steps down.

INT. STATION PASS THROUGH - CONTINUOUS

To reach the other side, Chris must run with his scanner
through the station underground pass-through.

EXT. OPPOSITE PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS

Chris has grabbed his application out of the can and taken
off for the stairs as the train pulls in across the tracks.

INT. STATION PASS THROUGH - CONTINUOUS

Chris runs back through the underground pass.

EXT. PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS

Chris reaches the other platform and sprints toward the
closing doors of the metro train. He jumps in as the doors
close and the train rolls off.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Chris stands outside the skyscraper lobby with his scanner
and application.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I was waiting for Witter resource
head Jay Twistle, whose name
sounded so delightful, like he’d
give you a job and a hug.

A tall, thin businessman MR. TWISTLE walks up toward the
entranceway from a cab.

CHRIS
Hi, are you Mr. Twistle?

MR. TWISTLE
Yes.
22.



CHRIS
I’m Chris Gardner.

Chris shows him the application.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I wanted to drop this off
personally and make your
acquaintance. They described you in
the office. I thought I might catch
you on your way in.

MR. TWISTLE
Okay.

CHRIS
I’d appreciate the opportunity to
discuss what may seem like
weaknesses in my application.

TWISTLE
(gesturing to Chris with
the application)
We’ll start with this, Chris. We’ll
call you if we want to sit down.

Chris nods; he’s been rebuffed. He starts to walk away.

EXT. STREET CORNER, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris speaks on a pay phone. The scanner rests at his feet.

CHRIS
Chris Gardner for Dr. Delsey.
(listening)
I’m running late for a sales call.
Acro. It’s with Dr. Delsey and Dr.
Cross.
(listening)
Can we still do it? In a half-hour?

Then CHRIS CATCHES SIGHT OF SOMETHING.

CHRIS’S POV

Across the street, in a slice of space between skyscrapers,
Chris has seen the girl junkie and A BOYFRIEND walking by.
THE GUY’S GOT CHRIS’S MEDICAL EQUIPMENT.

Chris stares at them from across the street. He wants to get
off the phone and chase the pair, but the receptionist is
still speaking.
23.



CHRIS
Okay.
(listening)
I’ll see you then. Okay. Thank you.

Chris hangs the phone up and takes off running.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - SAME

The girl and her boyfriend have taken Chris’s stuff to a bus
stop. They’re in a line of folks boarding the city bus. Chris
comes running up the street behind them. The bus pulls away.
Chris is right behind it, though, and never lets up running;
he’s pretty strong and fast and can keep up with the bus from
the sidewalk.

CHRIS (V.O.)
That was my stolen machine...
unless she was with a guy who sold
them, too..

THE FRAME FREEZES on Chris in mid sprint.

CUT TO:

A QUICK FLASHBACK OF CHRIS SIGNING A CONTRACT IN A MEDICAL
SUPPLY COMPANY OFFICE

CHRIS (V.O.)
...which was unlikely because I had
the whole Bay area in my
contract...

EXT. MEDICAL SUPPLY COMPANY WAREHOUSE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

With the help of a warehouse worker, Chris loads scanners
into the back of a rented van. Linda waits beside it, looking
on.

CHRIS (V.O.)
...which meant I more or less owned
these things. Which seemed like a
good idea at the time...

EXT. APARTMENT STAIRWELL - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Chris, Linda and the warehouse guy carry scanners up the
stairwell steps to Chris and Linda’s apartment.

CHRIS (V.O.)
..because I didn’t know yet that
doctors and hospitals would regard
them as unnecessary luxuries.
24.
CHRIS(cont'd)
I even asked the warehouse man to
take a picture.

INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Because of a lack of space, Chris has had to stack the
scanners along the living room wall. There are thirty of them
stacked up there. Chris stands in front of the stack with
Linda. They’re posing for the picture. Chris smiles from the
enthusiasm of a new endeavor. IN FACT, HE OFFERS A THUMBS UP
TO THE CAMERA. HE NUDGES LINDA, WHO SEEMS A LITTLE LESS
ENTHUSIASTIC, TO GIVE A THUMBS UP, TOO; SHE SMILES AND,
BECAUSE SHE’S THROWING IN WITH CHRIS’S DREAM, GIVE THE THUMBS
UP, though it’s not quite as heartfelt as Chris’s. The camera
flashes.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris chases after his stolen bone density scanner and runs to catch a train to drop off his internship application personally to Mr. Twistle at Dean Witter. However, his efforts are met with disappointment and he later sees the girl junkie and her boyfriend with his equipment at a bus stop.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of urgency and tension with Chris running to catch the train and chasing after his stolen equipment. It also showcases his persistence and determination to succeed despite setbacks. The conflict with Mr. Twistle adds to the overall conflict of the scene."
Weaknesses "The confrontation with the daycare owner about Love Boat feels disconnected from the main plot and does not have a significant impact on the scene or story as a whole. The emotional impact and character development are lacking."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved upon. Firstly, there is no clear objective for Chris being on the train platform with his scanner. What is he waiting for? Is he there to catch a train or is he there specifically to retrieve his application? It would be helpful to establish this early on in the scene.

Additionally, the action takes place over several locations without clear transition or establishment of time and place. For example, it is not immediately clear where Chris is when he sees the girl junkie and her boyfriend with his medical equipment. The scene would benefit from clearer location indicators and more seamless transitions between them.

Lastly, there is a lack of emotional depth to the scene. While it's clear that Chris is chasing after his stolen equipment, there is no clear sense of urgency or stakes. The scene could benefit from more tension and heightened emotions to increase the audience's investment in what is happening.

Overall, there is some potential in this scene, but it could use some work in terms of clarity, transitions and emotional depth.
Suggestions - The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension that would make the audience feel invested in Chris's predicament. To heighten the tension, consider adding more obstacles or challenges that Chris has to overcome to reach his goal. For example, maybe he has to navigate through a crowded street, avoid getting hit by a car or dodge a security guard who is chasing him.
- The dialogue feels a bit stiff and could be tightened up. Try to make the conversation between Chris and Mr. Twistle more dynamic by adding subtext and conflict. Maybe Mr. Twistle is dismissive of Chris because of his background or lack of experience, and Chris has to overcome his prejudices to convince him of his worth.
- The flashback sequence at the end could be condensed and more focused. Instead of showing Chris loading scanners into a van and carrying them up the stairs, consider using a voiceover to summarize his past struggles and establish the importance of the scanners to him. This would create a stronger connection between his past and present goals and make his pursuit of the stolen machines more meaningful.



Scene 8 -  The Scanner Chase
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - SAME

In the present again, the girl and her boyfriend sit toward
the back of the bus. It moves through the San Francisco
neighborhood. Chris is visible out the window, running
alongside the bus.

CHRIS (V.O.)
....so if I lost one, it was like
losing groceries. For a month.

EXT. SIDEWALK - SAME

Chris runs hard to keep up with the bus; he’s still got his
scanner. The bus is pulling up to a corner stop; he’s going
to catch it.

Chris has reached the bus and goes right in in front of
commuters who were waiting.

INT. CITY BUS - CONTINUOUS

Chris walks past the driver without paying fare.

DRIVER
Hey, man...

Chris head down the aisle with his scanner until he reaches
the junkies’ seat.

CHRIS
Hey...

The guy looks up.
25.



EXT. BUS STOP - LATER

The bus doors have opened to let commuters off at a corner.
Soon, Chris leaves the bus with two bone density scanners. He
places them on the sidewalk to rest. He checks his watch.
He’s late for his sales call. He picks the scanners up and
starts running with them again.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris runs through San Francisco with both scanners.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I carried them because I got paid
at installation.

EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, SAN FRANCISCO HOSPITAL - LATER

Chris sits at a board table across from a pair of doctors.
Both scanners rest on the table top.

CHRIS
I could even install today.

FIRST DOCTOR
We don’t need two.

The second doctor looks at the equipment.

SECOND DOCTOR
We don’t need one.

Chris looks back at the doctors.

EXT. INTERSECTION, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris carries both scanners across a city intersection.

EXT. CITY TRAIN PLATFORM, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris has retrieved Christopher and holds both scanners as
they wait for the train. Christopher’s looking at him.

CHRISTOPHER
Did you forget?

CHRIS
Forget what?

CHRISTOPHER
(nodding at the scanners)
You’re not supposed to have any of
those.
26.



CHRIS
I know.

CHRISTOPHER
You have two now.

CHRIS
Yeah, I know.

INT. KITCHEN, CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER

Linda sets dinner out. Chris enters the kitchen with his son.
LINDA LOOKS AT THE SCANNERS HE CARRIES, taking notice Chris
didn’t sell them.

CHRIS
Hey...

LINDA
Hey...

She stares at Chris with his double scanners. They don’t say
anything, but she’s thinking of this morning and Chris’s
promise he was going to make something happen with his sales
job.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

Later, after dinner at the kitchen table, Christopher has
opened a birthday gift. Chris hands him a second one - a gift-
wrapped basketball.

CHRISTOPHER
(taking it, smiling)
Thanks for the basketball.

CHRIS
(smiling)
How do you know it’s a basketball?

The child’s pretty smart and gets the humor in the fact the
gift was obvious.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Maybe it’s an ant farm.

CHRISTOPHER
(amused)
No way.

Christopher unwraps the ball.
27.



CHRIS
We’ll go play soon. Okay?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah...

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris passes through the living room. A wide shot shows
TWENTY SCANNERS STACKED along the wall there.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris chases after the girl junkie who stole his scanner and runs across San Francisco with two bone density scanners. He tries to sell them but is unable to and returns home to his son and partner with the scanners. Chris learns the importance of providing for his family.
Strengths
  • Fast-paced action sequence
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development and dialogue
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of showing the audience the hustle and desperation of the protagonist, Chris. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, there could be more development of the characters, particularly the girlfriend, Linda, who seems to be the voice of reason and source of disappointment for Chris. Giving her more depth and agency would make the scene more dynamic.

Additionally, the dialogue could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. The conversation between Chris and the doctors feels a bit on the nose, with the doctors blatantly stating that they don't need the scanners. Adding some subtext or ambiguity could add more tension to the scene.

Finally, while the stacking of the scanners at the end is a powerful image, it feels a bit too on-the-nose as a metaphor for Chris's struggle. Finding a way to visually convey the weight of his desperation without relying on cliches could elevate the scene even further.
Suggestions My suggestions for improving this scene in the movie script would be:

1. Define the characters more clearly: The girl and her boyfriend's characters are not clear from this scene. It would help to provide more context and characterization.

2. Add conflict: There is no clear conflict in this scene, which results in a lack of tension. We need to see some friction, perhaps between Chris and Linda or between Chris and the doctors.

3. Develop the dialogue: The dialogue in this scene can be improved by adding subtext and emotional depth. Instead of just stating what is happening, the characters can hint at their hidden feelings or motives.

4. Provide visual cues: The scene can be made more engaging by including more visual cues. For instance, the bus and the city streets can be described in more detail to create a sense of place and mood.

5. Cut down on exposition: There is too much exposition in the dialogue, which makes the scene feel forced and unnatural. Some of the information can be conveyed through visuals, such as Chris carrying the scanners around.

6. Develop the stakes: The stakes in this scene need to be higher. We need to have a sense of what's at stake for Chris, Linda, and Christopher. Perhaps Chris's job is in danger, or Christopher is facing some kind of critical medical issue.

By addressing these issues, this scene can be improved and made more engaging for the audience.



Scene 9 -  The Struggle of a Father
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. PATIO, CHRIS’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Linda’s out on the small setting of the third floor patio
balcony. THERE’S AN OLD NEIGHBOR BEATING A SMALL RUG on the
balcony right beside her, and another one smoking on a lawn
chair just to her left. Chris comes out and finds her there;
they don’t say anything for a while.

CHRIS
(having to whisper because
the neighbors are close)
It was a fucked up day. I went by
Dean Witter. I ended up having to
run somebody down. Someone tried to
run off--

LINDA
Whatever...

CHRIS
Whatever? What are you talking
about?

THE GUY KEEPS BEATING THE RUG beside them. Chris looks over
at him; it’s getting to Chris.

LINDA
(having to whisper)
Whatever.

CHRIS
What do you mean whatever?

LINDA
I don’t care. Whatever. Every day’s
got some story so...

CHRIS
(having to whisper,
meaning believe in him)
Hang on.
28.



LINDA
(didn’t hear him)
What?

CHRIS
Can you hang on?

The guy keeps beating the rug.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Can you just hang on.

The guy beats the rug. It sets Chris off.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(yelling)
Roy. Hey. Beat your little rug when
no one else is out here. Can you?

ROY
I’m trying to keep a clean house,
Chris.

CHRIS
We’re talking.

The man lays the rug on the balcony rail. Chris seems to
regret he laid into such an old guy. But he faces Linda
again.

CHRIS
(still whispering)
I’m saying... just hang on. We’ll
come out of it. It’s going to be
fine.

LINDA
You said that before. You said that
before Christopher, it’ll be fine.

CHRIS
What? You don’t trust me?

LINDA
Whatever...

After a moment, Linda goes back into the house. Chris remains
on the balcony. He stands there for a while. Then the old
neighbor begins beating his rug again.
29.



EXT. SAN FRANCISCO NEIGHBORHOOD - EARLY MORNING

It’s not yet light. Chris and his son walk to work and
daycare again

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER(SUNRISE)

They wait at a corner to cross. Beyond them, the sun’s just
coming up. A car’s passing; Christopher starts to cross
without looking.

CHRIS
(stopping him)
Christopher, look. I know it’s
early. But wake up.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris is dressed for work and stands outside Dean Witter,
holding a scanner and waiting for Twistle as he approaches
from the street.

CHRIS
Mr. Twistle.

The two shake hands.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Chris Gardner. We met a couple
weeks ago. I gave you an
application--

MR. TWISTLE
Chris, I’m busy right now.

CHRIS
I’m sorry.

Twistle continues on his way. Chris watches him go.

INT. MOVIE THEATER, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

The Disney picture The Fox and The Hound plays on the theater
screen.

Chris sits in the audience with his son. Chris watches the
picture for a time. Soon, he turns to check on Christopher
and finds him asleep. He looks at his son for a while,
getting the idea clearly that the way he lives is wearing his
son out.
30.



EXT. FINANCIAL DISTRICT - DAY

On another day, Chris, with a scanner, runs along a sidewalk
in the financial district, past the Transamerica building.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris waits in his now familiar spot before the Dean Witter
skyscraper. Jay Twistle leaves the building. As he approaches
a cab, Chris approaches him.

CHRIS
Mr. Twistle?

TWISTLE
Hi.

CHRIS
Chris Gar--

TWISTLE
Yeah. Listen. What can I do for
you?

CHRIS
I submitted an application for the
intern program. I hoped I could sit
down with you for a moment.

TWISTLE
I’m on my way to Russian Hill,
Chris.

Twistle has pointed to the cab. Chris looks at the cab; he
decides to lie.

CHRIS
Me, too. Can we share a ride maybe?

Twistle looks back at Chris.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris has a tough day, trying to chase down his stolen bone density scanner, running late for appointments, and dealing with his partner's lack of optimism. He struggles to provide for his family and is constantly met with disappointment in his job hunt. He realizes the impact his lifestyle is having on his son.
Strengths "Realistic portrayal of the struggles of a single father trying to provide for his family, emotionally impactful scenes, strong themes of perseverance and the importance of family"
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels repetitive and some scenes could have been more succinct"
Critique Overall, this scene could use some improvement in terms of dialogue and pacing. The dialogue feels somewhat stilted and unnatural, particularly in the exchange between Chris and Linda. The pacing is also slow, with a lot of time spent on mundane actions like the neighbor beating the rug.

There are a few things that could be improved to make this scene stronger. First, the dialogue could be more realistic and specific to the characters. The conversation between Chris and Linda doesn't reveal much about their relationship or personalities, and could be more engaging if it felt more true to life.

Additionally, the scene could be tightened up to make the pacing more engaging. Less time could be spent on the neighbor beating the rug, and more time could be spent on revealing character and moving the plot forward.

Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions to make it more engaging and realistic.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is quite well written, but there are a few suggestions I would make to improve it:

1. Add more action lines: The majority of the scene is dialogue, with very few action lines. Adding more description of the characters' movements and surroundings would help create a more vivid picture for the reader.

2. Use more active voice: There are a few instances where the passive voice is used, such as "they don't say anything for a while." Using active voice would create a stronger sense of immediacy and engagement.

3. Vary sentence length: The dialogue is mostly short, staccato sentences. Mixing in longer, more complex sentences would help vary the rhythm and keep the reader engaged.

4. Increase tension: While there is some tension between Chris and Linda, the scene could benefit from increasing the overall sense of conflict. Perhaps they could be discussing more pressing issues related to Chris's struggles, or there could be a more intense confrontation with the neighbors.

5. Work on character development: This scene is an opportunity to further develop Chris and Linda's characters. Adding more detail about their personalities, desires, and struggles would deepen the audience's investment in their journey.



Scene 10 -  Chris Chases His Stolen Scanner
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CAB, MOVING - LATER

Chris sits in the back of a cab that drives through San
Francisco.

CHRIS
... a lot of my family members were
in the navy. I just decided to join
after high-school...

Chris is looking across the cab back seat; he’s disappointed
by what he sees.
31.



What Chris sees is Twistle sitting across from him, playing
with a Rubik’s Cube and half-listening to Chris.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
... I planned on going to college,
but I started a family before I was
discharged and began working...

Twistle’s still messing with the cube while Chris is talking.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Mr. Twistle, I’m trying to...

TWISTLE
I’m sorry. This fucking thing’s
impossible.

Chris looks over at Twistle. Time passes.

CHRIS
I can do it.

TWISTLE
No one can.

CHRIS
I can.

TWISTLE
No one can. It’s bullshit.

CHRIS
Give it to me.

Twistle looks at Chris. After a moment, he hands him the
Rubik’s Cube. Chris looks at it as he begins to make some
corrections on it.

CHRIS
(good-natured)
You really fucked it up.

TWISTLE
(lighthearted)
Sorry.

CHRIS
It’s all...
(looking out at the
street)
How far away are we?
32.



TWISTLE
I don’t care. We can drive around
all day. Because you can’t do it.
It’s bullshit.

CHRIS
Yes, I can.

TWISTLE
No, you can’t.

CHRIS
Yeah, I can.

Twistle’s smiling now. Chris sits in the back of the cab,
twisting the thing backwards and forwards. Twistle watches.

The cab driver looks on in the rear view mirror. He’s got a
Rubik’s Cube on the seat beside him.

Chris continues moving the thing around.

Twistle continues watching.

The cab driver keeps watching as well.

Chris has two sides solid already.

Twistle looks on.

The cabbie pulls up to where Twistle was headed. No one
leaves the cab. Chris keeps working on the cube. He stops for
a while, though. Some part of it’s got him hung up. He stares
at it. Everyone’s gone quiet in anticipation of Chris
succeeding or not. Chris figures something out, turns the
thing three times. Then he shows the finished cube to
Twistle.

Twistle looks back at Chris.

CAB DRIVER
(about the fare)
Seventeen ten.

TWISTLE
(to Chris)
You were going on, right? Somewhere
else in Russian Hill?

CHRIS
Yes.

Twistle has stepped out of the cab.
33.



TWISTLE
(about the cube, to Chris)
Good job.

He waves goodbye to Chris; he hasn’t offered any money or
anything further about Chris’s interest in his program.

CAB DRIVER
(to Chris)
Where are you going?

Chris is still watching Twistle.

CAB DRIVER (CONT’D)
Where are you going?

CHRIS
Go over to Pacific...

The cab pulls out. Chris rides in the back. He sees something
that troubles him.

CHRIS’S POV

Chris is looking at the cab fare meter. It reads $17.30.

Chris’s expression imparts he doesn’t have the fare. As the
cab drives along, Chris grows more concerned.

EXT. TRAFFIC, RUSSIAN HILL, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

An exterior shot of the cab in traffic. Chris’s door opens
violently and he bolts out.

CAB DRIVER
Hey!

Chris sprints up Pacific Avenue away from the cab. The
driver’s jumped out to chase him.

EXT. HYDE STREET - SAME

Chris has run onto Hyde Street. He’s faster than the driver
and pulls away.

EXT. POLK STREET - LATER

Chris has turned into an alley off Polk. He stays there for a
while. The cab driver walks by out on Polk. He’s looking for
Chris. He’s lost him. The driver heads back for his cab.
Chris should feel like he’s in the free and clear. He does
for a while, then he takes notice that he’s standing there
empty-handed and realizes he left his scanner in the cab.
34.



CHRIS
Fuck...

EXT. PACIFIC AVE, - CONTINUOUS

As the cab driver returns to where his cab waits in traffic,
CHRIS RUNS RIGHT BACK PAST HIM, and the driver starts chasing
him again.

THE CAB

Chris grabs the scanner out from the back of the cab. The
driver’s closing in on him. Chris gets the gear out and gets
going again with little distance between him and the driver
now.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Chris chases after his stolen bone density scanner and runs across San Francisco with two bone density scanners. He tries to sell them but is unable to and returns home to his son and partner with the scanners. Chris learns the importance of providing for his family.
Strengths "This scene has high levels of tension and conflict, which hold the audience's attention. The dialogue between Chris and Twistle is well-written and builds up the suspense. The scene is also an important moment for Chris's character development as he learns the importance of providing for his family."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more emotional depth, especially regarding Chris's feelings about his situation. Additionally, some of the dialogue between Chris and Twistle feels repetitive and could be trimmed down."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Chris and Twistle is natural and helps to develop their characters. However, one issue with the scene is that it is not clear why Chris needs to solve the Rubik's Cube. Is it a test that Twistle has given him? Is it a bet they have made? Adding some context to this would give the scene more purpose and make it more meaningful.

Another issue is that the action sequence at the end feels rushed and lacks details. It is unclear why Chris runs away from the cab driver and why he needs the scanner. More information on these plot points would help to create a clearer and more satisfying resolution.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more clarity and detail in the plot points.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Improve the pacing: The scene feels long and drawn out, which can decrease its impact on the audience. Consider condensing the dialogue and action to make it more concise.

2. Increase the tension: The conflict between Chris and Twistle over the Rubik's Cube could be heightened to create more tension. Perhaps Twistle could become more aggressive or antagonistic towards Chris, causing the situation to escalate.

3. Clarify Chris's motivation: Why is Chris running away from the cab driver? Is it because he can't afford the fare or because he's in a hurry to get somewhere? Make sure the audience understands his motivation.

4. Add stakes: What happens if Chris doesn't get his scanner back? Is it essential to his mission? Adding higher stakes can make the scene more impactful.

5. Make it more visually interesting: The majority of the scene takes place in a cab, which can be visually dull. Consider adding more interesting surroundings, like famous San Francisco landmarks or a bustling street scene, to make the visuals more compelling.



Scene 11 -  The Pursuit Part
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. PACIFIC AVE - LATER

Chris tries to sprint while carrying the scanner.

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE - LATER

Chris runs through a public square park. He’s starting to
drag. He comes to a rest bench. He must rest and puts his
scanner on the bench. As Chris catches his breath, he sees
the driver come into view running toward him from not too far
off.

Chris looks at the scanner; he has to leave it to get away;
it represents money he needs though, and leaving it’s
difficult. Chris looks back at the driver then he leaves
running.

Soon, the driver reaches the bench where the scanner rests.
He knows he can’t catch Chris now that Chris isn’t hauling
something. So he just gives up. He stops. He watches Chris
run off at the far side of the square.

EXT. STREET, WEST SIDE OF THE PUBLIC SQUARE - LATER

Later, the driver sits across the street from the square.
He’s doing surveillance on the abandoned scanner that still
remains in the middle of the square; he’s waiting to chase
Chris when he reclaims it.

Chris is on a pay phone across the street from the opposite
side of the square. He sees the driver; the driver doesn’t
see Chris; Chris watches the driver and scanner.

CHRIS
(to the phone)
I’m going to be home late.
35.



LINDA (O.S.)
Chris, I’m leaving.

CHRIS
Leaving where?

LINDA (O.S.)
I have my things together.

CHRIS
Leaving our place?

LINDA (O.S.)
Chris, I’m going. I’ll talk to you
later.

CHRIS
Wait...

Linda hangs up. Chris has been surprised. He’s thrown and
real unsettled. He looks over at the scanner. Then he takes
change from his pocket. He’s taken a quarter and nickel out.
He looks at them.

CLOSE ON the heads side of the nickel: the profile of THOMAS
JEFFERSON.

Chris looks at it. Then he looks up across the street.

CHRIS (V.O.)
The train was coming every four
minutes.

There’s a city train platform in the distance behind the
street the driver waits at.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I could get my scanner, get past
him somehow, and if I timed it
right, jump right on and roll off.

Chris looks forty yards across the square at his scanner.
Then Chris just jumps out and goes for it.

Across the street, the driver’s distracted and doesn’t see
Chris across the square on a straight line for his equipment.

Chris has reached the scanner and grabbed it. He’s got to run
by the driver to get the train. He sees that it’s coming
around the bend to the west.

Meanwhile, the driver’s seen Chris and stands up to stop him
from running by.
36.



Chris reaches him, jukes him, then takes off after the train.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I was thinking... I don’t know...

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Chris runs for the train; the driver chases him. The train’s
at the platform stop Chris runs toward.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I was thinking about Thomas
Jefferson.

INT. STATION - LATER

Chris has reached the station and puts his change in the
turnstile machine.

CHRIS (V.O.)
...And the Declaration of
Independence.

INT. STATION STAIRS - LATER

Chris runs up the station steps to the platform.

CHRIS (V.O.)
And the passage about our right to
life, liberty and the pursuit of
happiness. For real.

EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - LATER

Chris has come up to the platform and found the train there;
he runs toward the open doors of the closest car.

CHRIS (V.O.)
And I remember thinking... how did
he know to put the pursuit part in
there. That happiness...

The doors are closing.

CHRIS (V.O.)
...maybe it’s just something you’ll
never have. No matter. How did he
know that? He was a smart person I
always admired.

Chris tries to jam in past the doors coming together. They’ve
clipped the scanner and caused Chris to drop it. It lands on
the platform broken up.
37.


Now Chris is on the other side of the train door with no way
to open it. Chris looks through the glass at the scanner. The
train starts to roll away; Chris keeps looking at the scanner
as the train takes him away from the platform.

EXT. CHRIS’S NEIGHBORHOOD, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (EVENING)

Later, when it’s become dark, Chris walks home through his
city neighborhood.

INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER

Chris looks across his living room at the stacks of Acro Bone
Density Scanners he can’t sell; THE ODD FEATURE OF THIS
MOMENT IS THAT THE PLACE IS PRETTY EMPTY NOW EXCEPT FOR
CHRIS’S PRODUCT. Linda has left with some of their
belongings.

Chris turns back for the open front door. His landlord’s
standing in the doorway.

LANDLORD
Chris.

Chris heads past him.

LANDLORD (CONT’D)
I got to get the rent from you.

Chris goes by him out the apartment.

LANDLORD (CONT’D)
Hey, man...

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Chris has come out front. He’s looking over the lot across
the street to see if there’s some trace of Linda and
Christopher going. He doesn’t see them. He remains there for
a while; he’s facing the idea Christopher’s gone. A phone
rings from his open apartment. Chris looks that way. Then he
jogs toward his place.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris chases after his stolen bone density scanner and tries to get it back amidst a difficult day dealing with his partner leaving and struggling to provide for his family.
Strengths "Intense chase scene with emotional weight and relatable themes of struggling to provide for one's family."
Weaknesses "Dialogue could be more impactful."
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of building tension and a sense of urgency. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

- The action is not described very clearly. It is difficult to visualize exactly what is happening, particularly during the chase scene. Using more specific language and details would help the reader better understand the action.

- The dialogue between Chris and Linda feels disconnected from the main plot, and is not fully explored or resolved. Either the dialogue should be cut out or developed further to better integrate it into the storyline.

- The use of voiceover narration can be effective, but it is overused in this scene and becomes distracting. It would be more effective to show rather than tell what Chris is thinking and feeling.

- The ending feels somewhat abrupt and unresolved. While it is implied that Chris has lost everything, it would be more satisfying to see him grapple with this realization and perhaps make a decision about what to do next.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions to make it more cohesive and engaging.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Start with a clear objective for Chris: What does he need to accomplish in this scene? Is he running away from someone? Is he trying to retrieve the scanner? Make sure the audience knows what he's trying to do.

2. Consider adding some backstory or character development for Chris that would make the audience care about him more. Why does he need the money from the scanner? What is his relationship with Linda and Christopher like before she leaves him?

3. Show, don't tell. Instead of having Chris narrate his thoughts about Thomas Jefferson and the pursuit of happiness, find a way to visually express his emotions and motivations.

4. Increase the tension and stakes. Make the consequences of Chris failing to retrieve the scanner more dire. Perhaps losing the scanner means losing everything for him.

5. Add some character motivation for the driver. Why is he so determined to catch Chris? Is he working for someone else? Does he have personal reasons for wanting to stop Chris?

6. Consider adding some conflict or drama with the landlord. How does Chris feel about the rent situation? Is the landlord pressuring him for money he doesn't have?

7. Be mindful of the pacing and structure of the scene. Make sure each beat moves the story forward and keeps the audience engaged. Don't linger too long on any one moment unless it's contributing to the story in a significant way.



Scene 12 -  Opportunity Knocks
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER

As the phone rings, Chris runs in past the landlord hanging
around the doorway.

LANDLORD
I got to get the rent from you,
man.

Chris closes the door on him. The phone rings. Chris gets
over to it.
38.



CHRIS
Hello.

MAN’S VOICE
Chris?

CHRIS
Yeah.

MAN’S VOICE
Jay Twistle.

Chris is surprised. It takes him a moment to respond.

CHRIS
Hi...

MAN’S VOICE
Dean Witter.

CHRIS
Hi...

MAN’S VOICE
Do you still want to come by and
visit?

After a moment, Chris tries to make his voice come over
casually, but it’s an opportunity he’s been long chasing and
he’s shaken by it.

CHRIS
Yes.

MAN’S VOICE
Come on by. Let’s sit down with a
couple colleagues of mine. Do you
have a pen and paper?

Chris looks around in the drawers, the tabletops; he grabs a
stray piece of paper from the counter. He doesn’t have a pen.
He just stands there.

CHRIS
Yes.

MAN’S VOICE
Good. Because this is going to get
a little complicated.
39.



CHRIS
(afraid of that, very
quietly)
Fuck...

MAN’S VOICE
17901 West Devaney.

Chris concentrates hard to remember.

CHRIS
Okay.

MAN’S VOICE
Tower two. Suite eleven--

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris runs full speed through the sidewalk foot traffic.

CHRIS
(repeating to remember)
17901 West Devaney--

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris waits at an intersection corner for the crosswalk. An
ACQUAINTANCE OF CHRIS’S, hanging out nearby, comes over.

CHRIS
(to himself)
Suite eleven sixty three--

ACQUAINTANCE
Chris.

CHRIS
(rushed)
Hey.

ACQUAINTANCE
What’s up, man? Did you see that
Nuggets game?

CHRIS
No.

ACQUAINTANCE
Last night. You didn’t see that?
40.



CHRIS
No.

ACQUAINTANCE
A hundred and eighteen...
(correcting himself)
A hundred and nineteen to a hundred
twenty. Two overtimes. Moons made a
three pointer with seventeen
seconds left.

The numbers are fucking Chris up.

CHRIS
I’m running somewhere. And I can’t
talk to you about numbers and shit
right now.

The light changes. Chris takes off.

ACQUAINTANCE
(to himself)
What’s your problem with numbers?

CHRIS
(stopping in the street)
Wayne.

ACQUAINTANCE
What?

CHRIS
You owe me fourteen bucks.

ACQUAINTANCE
Yeah...

CHRIS
Do you have that?

ACQUAINTANCE
I’ll get that to you.

Chris takes off again.

ACQUAINTANCE (CONT’D)
(to himself again)
Fourteen’s a number.

INT. REGISTERS, GROCERY STORE - LATER

Chris HOLDS A SINGLE PEN and waits for his turn to pay.
41.



EXT. GROCERY STORE - LATER

Chris sits on a bench outside the grocery with his new pen;
he’s writing the address down on the paper he has. He
finishes. He looks at it. FOR THE FIRST TIME, CHRIS
DEMONSTRATES A SENSE OF SLIGHT RELIEF AND SATISFACTION. He
remains on the bench, resting for a while. Then he notices
the paper is the list Christopher’s made earlier. Chris looks
at it.

The paper bears handwriting that reads basketball...
microscope... two records...

Chris looks at the paper for a while; he’s thinking about his
son.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris receives an unexpected phone call that presents a lucrative job opportunity. He rushes across San Francisco to get to the meeting, struggling to remember the address while being distracted by his own problems.
Strengths "The scene effectively shows Chris's desperation and hope as he rushes to the job opportunity. The phone conversation builds tension and raises the stakes for Chris."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a little stilted or forced."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. The pacing is quick and keeps the audience engaged. However, there are a few points to consider for improvement:

1. There is no clear reason for the conversation between Chris and Jay to happen. Why does Jay want to meet with Chris? This lack of motivation can make the scene feel arbitrary and disconnected from the larger story.

2. The conversation between Chris and his acquaintance about the Nuggets game feels extraneous and doesn't contribute to the plot or character development.

3. The revelation that the paper Chris is holding is actually a list made by his son feels a bit forced and contrived. It would be more effective if this was set up earlier in the story or if there was a clearer reason for Chris to stumble upon it in this moment.

Overall, the scene is functional and well-executed, but could benefit from a stronger sense of purpose and more organic character development.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more action: The scene is mostly dialogue, so adding more action could make it more visually interesting. For example, when Chris is searching for a pen, he could be rummaging through drawers, knocking things over, etc.

2. Clarify the stakes: We don't yet know why Chris wants to visit Jay Twistle, so adding some context about why this opportunity is so important to Chris could make the scene more compelling.

3. Use the surroundings: We know they're in Chris's apartment, but we don't know what it looks like or how it reflects his character. Adding some details about the environment can make the scene more immersive.

4. Use subtext: Right now, everything is on the surface - Chris is flustered and trying to remember the address. Adding some subtext, like what he's really feeling about reconnecting with an old acquaintance, can add depth to the scene. Maybe he's nervous, or afraid of disappointing Jay.

5. Simplify the dialogue: The conversation between Chris and Jay feels a bit stilted and forced. Simplifying the dialogue and making it more naturalistic could make it feel less like exposition. For example, instead of Jay saying "Do you have a pen and paper?" he could say "Write this down," which is more conversational.



Scene 13 -  Confrontation and Change
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. MS. CHU’S DAYCARE, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

Chris is amped up and has caught up with Linda in front of
daycare. Christopher’s gone in; left alone, they take the
occasion to scream at one another.

CHRIS
You didn’t leave me a pen.

LINDA
Chris--

CHRIS
Did you know he watches nonsense in
here? He watches TV in here?

LINDA
What are you saying?

CHRIS
You set this up. I wouldn’t have
set this up. I would have looked in
this fucking place. Take off. But I
want Christopher. Give me
Christopher if you want to take
off.

A DAYCARE WORKER has come out to quiet them.

DAYCARE WORKER
There’s children in here.

She goes back in. The couple look at one another. Then they
finish with each other by whispering fiercely.

CHRIS
You set this up.
42.



LINDA
We didn’t have a choice. It’s all
we could pay for.

CHRIS
Where are you staying?

LINDA
At Cynthia’s.

CHRIS
There’s no room for Christopher
there. I’m taking him if you’re
staying there. Why are you staying
there?

LINDA
Until I can figure out where I’m
going. All right? Until I figure
out what I want to do. I want to do
something different. Just-- That’s
where I’m staying.

Linda walks off. Chris watches her go.

EXT. BUS BENCH, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris sits on a bus bench across the street from the daycare
building.

He’s looking across the street, into the center where the
class is being collected to leave for the day.

Chris stands up to go retrieve Christopher.

EXT. MS. CHU’S DAYCARE - CONTINUOUS

Christopher’s come out front with some others. Chris is
there, waiting.

CHRIS
Hey.

CHRISTOPHER
Hi..

CHRIS
Ready?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah. Where’s mom?

Chris doesn’t answer right away. They start walking off.
43.



CHRIS
She went to stay with a friend for
a little while.

CHRISTOPHER
Cynthia?

CHRIS
Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER
Why?

CHRIS
She wants to be alone for a while
to do some thinking.

CHRISTOPHER
Thinking about what?

CHRIS
Just... About how to be happy. All
right? I’m with you. You’re going
to be fine.

Christopher looks a little mixed up. They’ve come to a corner
and stopped. Chris looks down at his son.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
She just wants to do some thinking.
You’re going to be fine.

He smiles as a means to reassure Christopher. Christopher
nods.

EXT. APARTMENT MANAGEMENT OFFICE - DAY

Chris has met his apartment landlord in front of the office.
Chris holds his lease; they’re discussing it.

CHRIS
The apartment’s in good shape. You
have to keep this fifty dollar
cleanup?

LANDLORD
That’s a touchup fee. Repainting.

CHRIS
I’ll paint it.
44.



LANDLORD
That’s all right. Why are you
moving?

Chris looks at the guy for a while.

CHRIS
Linda’s moved out. We need a
smaller space.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris confronts Linda about their son's daycare and their situation. They argue about Linda leaving and where she's staying, and Chris takes Christopher from daycare. Chris meets with his landlord to discuss his lease, revealing that Linda has moved out and they need a smaller space.
Strengths "The confrontation between Chris and Linda is intense and emotionally charged, revealing the tensions in their relationship and their struggles to provide for their family. The scene also highlights Chris's dedication to his son and determination to make things work."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from stronger pacing and more dynamic action to keep the audience engaged, as it relies heavily on dialogue."
Critique Overall, the scene is effective in establishing the tense dynamic between Chris and Linda as they argue about their son's daycare and living arrangements. The dialogue is natural and believable, but there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, it may benefit from some more physical action to break up the long stretches of dialogue. This could be achieved by having characters move around, interact with objects in the environment, or engage in non-verbal communication.

Secondly, the emotions of the characters could be more clearly conveyed through their actions and facial expressions. For example, Linda could show more signs of being defensive or upset when Chris accuses her of setting up the daycare and they could both show more frustration or anger as they argue.

Lastly, the ending could be more impactful by emphasizing the significance of Chris needing to move due to Linda leaving him and taking their son. This could be achieved by having Chris show more emotion or having the landlord react more strongly to the news.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Show, don't tell. Instead of having Chris and Linda simply scream at each other, try to show their frustration and anger through their physical actions and dialogue. Use more descriptive language to portray their emotions and make the scene more engaging.

2. Develop the characters more. As it stands, it's hard to get a sense of who Chris and Linda are as individuals beyond their current conflict. Try to add in more details about their backstory and personalities to make them more relatable.

3. Add more conflict. While there is tension between Chris and Linda, it feels somewhat one-dimensional. Try to introduce more external conflict that they have to deal with in addition to their personal issues. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

4. Vary the settings. The scene currently takes place in a single location, which can make it feel static. Try to include more varied settings to give the scene more visual interest and move the story forward.

5. Show, don't tell (part 2). While it's important to develop the characters and add conflict, it's also important to remember to show these things, not just tell the audience about them. Use visual cues, character actions, and dialogue to communicate information about the characters and their situation.



Scene 14 -  Chris's Struggle
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER

Chris paints the walls white; he’s dressed in old clothes he
doesn’t care about. It’s an unhappy scene with the scanner
stack visible in the frame. He’s got to edge past a scanner
to paint.

CHRIS
(to the scanner for some
reason)
Watch out.

He knocks the scanner aside with his foot. It didn’t go as
far as he needed.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(starting to lose it)
Watch out, asshole.

He knocks it harder, then he looks at the scanner with the
loose bearings of a guy who just called some equipment
“asshole.”

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Fuckin’... Shit. Asshole.

Then he kicks the equipment. Then he pushes his ladder down
on the scanner.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Fucker.

Then Chris really kicks its midsection hard. He’s a little
winded and stops. He looks at the damage he’s caused.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(realizing he busted it)
Shit...

After a while, he sits down beside the scanner. Chris takes a
piece that flew off and tries to put it back on.
45.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
(more calmly)
Fit. Come on.

It’s not going back on.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(quietly)
Come on. I’m sorry.

Chris keeps trying to fix the equipment.

EXT. PATIO - LATER

Chris sits on the small cement patio. He’s got his face
pressed against the green mesh chain link of the rail.

CLOSE ON Chris’s face meshed in; it’s an uncomfortable-
looking position but one he’s apparently taking some comfort
from temporarily.

APARTMENT - LATER

Chris paints with a roller when THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
He goes to answer it and walks past part of the wall where
he’s painted in broad white paint

Chris,

You suck,

Chris

DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Chris opens the door. TWO SAN FRANCISCO POLICEMAN stand
outside.

POLICEMAN
Chris Gardner?

Chris looks back at the police.

INT. JAIL CELL - LATER

Three inmates sit around a station jail cell - Chris and two
others. Chris remains in his painting clothes.

INMATE
(to Chris)
What’d you do?

Chris doesn’t answer.
46.



INMATE (CONT’D)
(to Chris)
What’d you do?

The other guy starts laughing.

SECOND INMATE
(laughing)
Parking tickets.

After a moment, the first guy begins to laugh.

INMATE
(laughing, to Chris)
You got to pay that shit.

INT. CASHIER’S OFFICE, POLICE STATION - LATER

Chris writes a check for the clerk.

CHRIS
Four hundred?

CLERK
Four eighty.

It’s a heavy amount for Chris.

CLERK (CONT’D)
That’s a county tax.
(taking the check)
You have to stay until this clears.
We verify at nine-thirty A.M.

CHRIS
(worried for Christopher)
My son’s at school. I have to get
him.

CLERK
It’s nine-thirty A.M.

CHRIS
I have a job interview at 10:15. At
Dean Witter. And my son’s at--

CLERK
We verify at nine-thirty.

Though he’s concerned, Chris has to accept this.
47.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris struggles to provide for his family as he deals with a stolen bone density scanner, his partner leaving, and a difficult job market. He becomes angry and frustrated with his situation, but receives a chance at a job opportunity before being arrested for unpaid parking tickets.
Strengths "The scene effectively captures Chris's frustration and desperation, highlighting the challenges he faces in providing for his family. The dialogue is realistic and adds to the emotional impact of the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene feels slightly disconnected from the larger plot and doesn't necessarily advance it significantly. Some of the actions Chris takes (such as breaking the scanner) feel out of character or extreme."
Critique Overall, the scene provides a clear exploration of Chris's emotions and situation. However, there are still some aspects that could be improved upon.

One issue is the lack of clarity as to why Chris is painting the walls white. It could benefit the script to give some background information as to why he is doing this, perhaps tying it into his financial struggles or search for a job.

Additionally, while the scene showcases Chris's frustration and anger, it could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. A more complex portrayal of his emotions could make his character feel more relatable and realistic.

Finally, the dialogue between the inmates in the jail cell feels a bit cliche. It would be more engaging if they had a more unique dynamic or conversation, rather than leaning on the trope of tough guys in a cell asking about each other's crimes.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some additional refinement.
Suggestions There are a few things that could improve this scene. First, it's not entirely clear what the purpose of this scene is - is it to show Chris's frustration with the scanner, his financial struggles, his run-in with the police, or his concern for his son and job interview? It might help to focus on one specific aspect and make that the main point of the scene.

Second, there could be some more visual storytelling going on, rather than just Chris kicking and cursing at the scanner. Perhaps we could see more of the walls being painted, or the scanner causing actual damage to the room. This would make the audience understand why Chris is so frustrated.

Third, the dialogue could be tightened up a bit. There's a lot of repetition of "asshole" and "shit" that doesn't really add much to the scene. It might be more effective to have Chris say less, but make his words more impactful.

Finally, the transitions between scenes could be smoother - it's not entirely clear why we suddenly jump from Chris sitting on the patio to him painting with a roller. Some more connective tissue between the scenes would make them flow better.



Scene 15 -  Chris's Struggle Continues
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CORRIDOR, JAIL - LATER

Chris is on the pay phone down the end of the long jail
corridor; though he’s talking calmly, his expression shows
he’s feeling great unrest.

LINDA (O.S.)
(meaning what do you want)
What?

CHRIS
I have to... I can’t get
Christopher today.

LINDA (O.S.)
What?

CHRIS
I need you to get Christopher. Take
him with you. For the night. One
night.

LINDA (O.S.)
What are you doing?

CHRIS
(quietly)
I got stuck. In this... situation.
I’ll get him at school tomorrow.
I’ll go right there.

LINDA (O.S.)
Maybe I should take him.

CHRIS
You should take him for the night.
Like I’m asking. To help us.

LINDA (O.S.)
I want to see him...

Chris doesn’t say anything.

LINDA (O.S.)
I want to see him.

CHRIS
See him tomorrow. Then bring him
back.

There’s no response.
48.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
See him then bring him home.

LINDA
I want to take him to Golden Gate.
To the park. I’ll bring him back at
six.

Chris doesn’t say yes or no.

LINDA (O.S.)
Six. Okay?

CHRIS
Linda...

Chris weighs what Linda has in mind.

CHRIS
(meaning it better be six
and no later)
Six.

Chris is leaned way in with his head pressed into the corner
of the phone box; there’s pain on his face like someone’s
hitting his head with a hammer.

INT. CELL - NIGHT

In the middle of the night, while the few other inmates
sleep, Chris lays in his space awake.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I was wondering how I was going to
get over to Dean Witter in time.
Without a dime.

EXT. POLICE STATION, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY (MORNING)

No one’s out on the front steps of the station the next
morning. The setting looks like a still picture. Then the
doors fly open, and Chris comes running out.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris tears down the sidewalk, running past business people.

EXT. SIDEWALK/STREET, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Chris sprints down the sidewalk toward the Dean Witter
building. He’s wearing a gray Member’s Only jacket, no shirt
under and white jeans covered in old paint.
49.



EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris stands in front of the skyscraper lobby entrance
fighting with the busted front zipper of his jacket.

CHRIS
(struggling with the
zipper)
Fuck...

Then Chris gives up on it. He stands there for a moment,
having to accept the fact that he has to conduct an interview
this way.

INT. BUILDING ELEVATOR, MOVING - LATER

Surrounded by business people, Chris rides the elevator up in
his painter pants and his open Members Only.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM, DEAN WIITTER HEADUARTERS - LATER

Young Dean Witter applicants in suits wait together in a row
of reception room seats. Chris sits directly in the middle of
them. A RECEPTIONIST enters from the inter-office to call
Chris for his interview.

RECEPTIONIST
Mr. Gardner?

Chris rises.

CHRIS
Thank you.

Chris walks past her.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris has a difficult day dealing with his partner leaving and struggling to provide for his family. He receives an unexpected phone call that presents a lucrative job opportunity. He tries to sort out issues with his ex-wife regarding their son's daycare and their situation. Chris meets with his landlord to discuss his lease, revealing that Linda has moved out and they need a smaller space. In the end, Chris rushes across San Francisco to get to a job interview, struggling to remember the address while being distracted by his own problems.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds on the previous events in the story, showing the protagonist's increasingly difficult circumstances. The dialogue and character interactions add depth to Chris's character and his relationships with others. The scene creates suspense and tension as Chris rushes to make it to the job interview. "
Weaknesses "The scene lacks visual elements that could have added to the overall impact, with most of it taking place in a jail corridor and a reception room. The pacing could have been tighter in certain sections."
Critique Overall, this scene could benefit from more action. There is a lot of dialogue and inner thoughts described, but not much physical movement or visual action. This can make the scene feel stagnant and slow-paced. Additionally, some of the dialogue could be tightened up and made more concise to add to the momentum of the scene.

One possible suggestion for improvement would be to show more of Chris's physical struggle as he talks on the phone and rushes to his interview. This could help to visually convey the tension and urgency he is feeling. Additionally, the dialogue exchange between Chris and Linda could be shortened and made more direct to better convey their conflicting desires. Finally, it could be helpful to add in more descriptive language to help the reader visualize the scene's setting and better understand Chris's emotional state.
Suggestions 1. Show, don't tell: In this scene, there's a lot of dialogue that tells the audience what's happening, rather than showing it. For example, rather than saying "his expression shows he's feeling great unrest," describe his facial expressions and body language to convey his unrest.

2. Use visual cues to illustrate character: We learn that Chris is a painter, but having him wear paint-splattered pants isn't enough to paint a fully-realized picture of him as a character. Consider adding more visual cues that illustrate his creativity and artistry.

3. Build tension with pacing: There's a lot of back and forth in this scene, with Chris asking Linda to take his son for the night, and Linda expressing concern over his behavior. Consider condensing this dialogue, or playing with the pacing to build tension and make the scene more engaging.

4. Consider the stakes: We know that Chris is in jail and needs to get to an interview at Dean Witter, but we don't yet know why he needs this job so urgently. Consider adding more context around his financial situation, so the audience understands why this interview is so important to him.



Scene 16 -  Job Interview
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 10
INT. BOARD ROOM, DEAN WITTER - LATER

A group of DEAN WITTER PARTNERS waits for Chris in the board
room. Chris and the receptionist enter.

RECEPTIONIST
(introducing him)
Chris Gardner.

The men look at Chris. Jay Twistle is part of the group.
Chris looks back at them.

CHRIS
Hi.

More or less embarrassed, the group has gone quiet.
50.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
... I’ve been sitting out there for
a half hour thinking of a story
about some series of events that
would have led me to be here like
this. Dressed like this. And also
would have demonstrated qualities
you probably value here like
diligence and earnestness and maybe
team-playing or something...

The partners look at Chris.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I couldn’t think of anything. I was
arrested for failure to pay parking
tickets. I ran here from the Polk
station. From the police station.

The partners keep looking at Chris.

FIRST PARTNER
I have a question.

Chris looks back. The guy checks out his clothes.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
What were you doing before you were
arrested?

The others laugh. Chris has smiled. There’s some good cheer
in the room now.

CHRIS
I was painting my apartment.

FIRST PARTNER
Sit down.

Chris begins to sit.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
(gesturing for Chris to
stop)
Is it dry?

CHRIS
Yes...

Chris sits down.
51.



FIRST PARTNER
(to Chris)
Jay says you’re pretty determined.

TWISTLE
He’s been waiting out front with
some forty pound gizmo for a month.

FIRST PARTNER
He said you’re smart.

Chris looks over at Twistle. The look is meant to thank Jay.
Jay returns Chris’s look to say he’s in Chris’s corner.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
Do you think you can learn
regulations and operations of the
market so as to capitalize?

CHRIS
Yes.

FIRST PARTNER
Have you already starting learning?
On your own?

CHRIS
Yes.

FIRST PARTNER
Because that’s all we do.

The partner looks Chris over.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
We generally hire M.B.A.s from good
schools. We like to be prepared in
case a client asks where an
employee went to school.

Chris listens like that’s bad news.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
But it’s been my experience that
they don’t. They ask whether
they’re profiting through our
service.
(turning to Jay)
Jay, how many times have you seen
Chris?

TWISTLE
Ten.
52.



FIRST PARTNER
Has he ever been dressed like this?

Chris awaits the answer.

TWISTLE
No. Jacket and tie.

FIRST PARTNER
(looking at his resume)
You were first in your class? In
high school?

CHRIS
Yes.

FIRST PARTNER
Out of how many?

CHRIS
Twelve.

No one reacts like it’s much of an accomplishment.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Small town.

FIRST PARTNER
I’ll say.

TWISTLE
First is first, though.

FIRST PARTNER
Yes, first is first, Jay.

CHRIS
I was first in radar class in the
navy also. Twenty guys.

TWISTLE
If Chris finishes first here, he’s
made us a lot of money.

The first partner looks at Chris for a while.

FIRST PARTNER
What would you say if I told you a
guy showed up for a interview
without a shirt. And I hired him.
What would you say to that?

Chris thinks about it.
53.



CHRIS
He must have had a pretty nice pair
of pants.

The whole room laughs. Chris has accomplished sharing some
character strengths with this group.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris Gardner is interviewed for a job at Dean Witter. Despite wearing inappropriate attire and having an unconventional background, he impresses the partners with his determination and intelligence.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases Chris's perseverance and intellect despite facing various setbacks. The dialogue is humorous and engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action or high stakes."
Critique Overall, this scene from "The Pursuit of Happyness" is well written and effectively conveys Chris's nerves and the dynamics in the room. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Action description: The scene could benefit from more detailed action description to better illustrate the physical movements and facial expressions of the characters. This would give the scene more depth and make it easier for the reader to visualize.

2. Dialogue: While the dialogue is natural and believable, there are some places where it could be tightened up to make the scene more impactful. For example, in the exchange where Chris is asked about his high school ranking, the repetition of "first is first" and the lack of reaction from the partners feels a bit flat.

3. Character development: The scene provides some insight into the characters of Chris and the partners, but more attention could be given to developing them further. For instance, we learn that Chris is determined and earnest, but we don't know much about the personalities or motivations of the partners beyond their interest in profits.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the conflict and stakes for the story, but could use some additional polish to make it truly memorable.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more clear and concise dialogue. The current dialogue feels a bit rambling and unfocused, which can make it hard to follow and engage with. Here are a few specific suggestions:

- Consider trimming some of the introductory lines, such as the first line from the receptionist. This can help streamline the scene and get to the heart of the dialogue more quickly.
- Take a closer look at the exchange where Chris talks about trying to come up with a story that would impress the group. This dialogue feels a bit meandering and could benefit from more focus. Instead of trying to cover several different qualities and concepts all at once, hone in on one or two specific traits that Chris wants to showcase and let the dialogue emphasize those.
- Clarify the purpose of the scene. What is the goal for both Chris and the Dean Witter partners? Right now, the scene feels a bit aimless, with Chris seeming to just make small talk with the group. By establishing some clear goals for both Chris and the group, the scene can become more engaging and effective.
- Consider tightening up some of the dialogue in the latter part of the scene, especially the exchange where the first partner asks Chris about his academic record. This dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could benefit from more focus on the specific qualities the group is looking for and how Chris can demonstrate those.
- Finally, think about adding some more visual description to the scene. Right now, the dialogue dominates, but adding in more description of the characters' physical actions, facial expressions, and gestures can help bring the scene to life and make it more cinematic.



Scene 17 -  Chris Interviews at Dean Witter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING, SKYSCRAPER LOBBY - LATER

Twistle has walked Chris out; they finish a conversation out
front of the skyscraper.

CHRIS
Thank you, Mr. Twistle.

TWISTLE
You can call me Jay.

CHRIS
(nodding)
I’ll let you know, Jay.

TWISTLE
(totally surprised by
that)
What?

CHRIS
(not following)
What?

TWISTLE
You’ll let me know, Jay?

CHRIS
Yes.

TWISTLE
You hounded-- You stood here--

CHRIS
There’s no salary. My circumstances
changed some. I need to figure out
if I can make it.

TWISTLE
A couple hours. No shit. I’ll fill
your spot. I promise. You know what
I’ll look like... if you back out,
you know what I’ll look like to the
partners?
54.



CHRIS
Yes.

TWISTLE
What?

CHRIS
An ass--
(thinking better of it)
--a-hole.

TWISTLE
Yes. An ass a-hole. All the way.

Amused, Twistle has smiled. Chris has smiled too from the
simple enjoyment of his company; all in all it’s a moment of
relief for Chris amid all his long stretches of unhappiness.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris runs back home from the building.

CHRIS (V.O.)
There was no salary. And not even a
reasonable promise of a job. One
intern was hired at the end of the
program. From a pool of twenty.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris keeps running.

CHRIS (V.O.)
If you weren’t that guy, you
couldn’t apply the six months
training to another broker. I’d
have to quit formally working for
Acro as well. I’d have to give up
benefits.

EXT. GUN & PAWN, STORE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris removes his watch, slowing from his run and approaching
the pawn shop.

CHRIS (V.O.)
The only resource I would have for
six months would be my scanners,
which I owned on lease and could
still sell. I had fifteen left. If
I sold them all, I might get by.
55.



EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM, CITY - LATER

Chris waits among other at the central San Francisco train
platform.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I had two hours to decide.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides by the window. He’s looking out at the landscape
of the city. It’s fall. The afternoon light’s fading out.
Chris has gone quiet like he was at the film’s beginning,
riding the train and considering the matters of his life.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I remember wondering... Am I a good
bet? Or not. Because all this was
was a bet I could shine.

INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER

Chris is alone in the apartment, standing under his broad You
Suck message. With a brush, he begins to cover it with paint.
Once it’s painted over, Chris shows a degree of relief. Then
he checks his kitchen clock.

The clock reads five minutes to six.

EXT. STAIRWELL, MOTEL - LATER

Chris sits alone outside on the stairwell steps waiting for
Christopher.

INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - LATER

It’s almost dark. Chris looks out the window of his room to
the stairwell where Linda should come up. She’s not there.
Chris checks his watch. He’s worried. Soon, Linda comes up
the stairs. She’s carrying Christopher because he’s asleep.
Chris lets some apprehension go.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris interviews for a job opportunity with Dean Witter, impressing the partners with his determination and intelligence. He then rushes back to his apartment to confront the reality of his difficult situation, waiting for Linda to bring back their son Christopher.
Strengths "The scene sets up the high stakes of the job opportunity for Chris and highlights his determination and intelligence, as well as his relief and worry about his situation with Linda and Christopher."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and lacks a lot of actual action or conflict."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and characterization. The exchanges between Chris and Twistle feel natural and reveal their personalities, with Chris being hesitant and thoughtful while Twistle is pushy and egotistical. The use of voiceover is also effective in conveying Chris's inner thoughts and worries.

However, there are some minor issues with the formatting and pacing of the scene. The transitions between locations are abrupt and could benefit from more descriptive cues to help orient the reader. Additionally, the scene jumps between different moments in time without clear delineation, which can be confusing to follow.

Overall, this scene is a solid example of character-driven writing, but could benefit from clearer transitions and pacing.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. The dialogue between Chris and Twistle could be more specific and showcase their individual personalities. Twistle could display more arrogance and Chris could display more defiance.

2. The scene could benefit from some physical action or movement to break up the dialogue. For example, Chris could start to walk away, and Twistle could grab his arm to stop him.

3. The transition between the scenes could be smoother. Instead of two consecutive scenes with the same location and time, there could be a fade out and fade in to indicate the passage of time.

4. The voiceover could be condensed and made more impactful. Rather than explicitly stating the stakes and the consequences, it could be implied through Chris's thoughts and feelings.

5. The scene with Chris painting over the You Suck message could be made more emotionally charged. Chris could be angry or frustrated, and the act of painting could be more cathartic.

6. The description of Linda carrying Christopher could be more vivid and show her character. For example, she could be struggling with the weight of the child, or she could be swaying gently as she walks.



Scene 18 -  Chris faces the reality of his situation and considers a job opportunity
  • Overall: 7.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. LIVING ROOM, MOTEL ROOM - LATER

Linda has put Christopher down on the couch under the message
Chris painted over; he’s still asleep. They face one another
from five feet away.

LINDA
(meaning where’s he been)
What were you doing?
56.



CHRIS
I had to, I had to manage all this
stuff. I had an interview at Dean
Witter. I had to get there. For an
intern program. A competitive
program. I got it.

Linda has been listening.

LINDA
I’m going back to Los Angeles.

CHRIS
All right...

They keep facing one another.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I want Christopher. Here.

Linda looks at Chris for a while; sizing him up.

LINDA
Salesman to intern’s backwards.
You’re fucking around.

CHRIS
(with some anger, trying
to stay quiet.)
I’m not.

LINDA
What are you going to do for money?

CHRIS
I’m going to sell those things I
leased. And I’m going to stand out.
In my program.

LINDA
You’re doing that?

Chris doesn’t answer her. Linda stands there for a while. The
vibe of Linda is she’s lost, disappointed with her lot and
uncertain over the important concerns of her life; she’s
considering all of what Chris said to her. Chris waits for
the answer.

LINDA (CONT’D)
I know you’ll take care of him.

Then Chris watches Linda walk past him until she reaches the
partly opened door and goes out.
57.



Chris remains alone. After a while, he turns and looks at
Christopher.

The boy’s sleeping on the sofa under the message Chris
covered up.

Chris looks at his son. IT’S A MOMENT DURING WHICH CHRIS
TAKES THE MEASURE OF THE RISKS THE PROGRAM RUNS FOR THEM
AGAINST HOW HIS AND CHRISTOPHER’S LIVES CAN BE IMPROVED BY
IT. Chris watches his son sleep. Then Chris steps over to the
kitchen phone. In time there, he’s placed a call and keeps
his voice pretty low so he doesn’t wake his son.

TWISTLE (O.S.)
Hello?

CHRIS
Hello. It’s Chris Gardner.

TWISTLE (O.S.)
Hi, Chris.

CHRIS
I called to thank you again for
inviting me in.

TWISTLE
I responded to your determination,
Chris.

CHRIS
I appreciate it. Jay?

TWISTLE
Yeah.

Time passes.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I’d be real pleased to be in the
program.

TWISTLE
That’s good, Chris.

CLOSE ON CHRIS on the phone; he’s expression shows some
uncertainty over what their future holds.

EXT. APARTMENT PARKING LOT - DAY

On another day, Chris and his acquaintance Wayne load Chris’s
scanners from Chris’s old apartment into Wayne’s car.
58.



CHRIS
(urging Wayne to slow
down)
Careful.

WAYNE
What?

CHRIS
Be careful.

Chris loads one in. Then he and Wayne enter the car.
Christopher’s in the back seat. The car pulls out, then heads
directly across the street to a motel lot.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY

Christopher eats cereal at the small kitchen dining table.
They’re in a residence motel room now with fewer furnishings.
Chris enters the room.

CHRIS
(with a great deal of
fatherly enthusiasm)
Hey, it’s Saturday!

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah!

CHRIS
(same enthusiasm)
Let’s go play some basketball!

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah.

CHRIS
Then go sell a bone density
scanner!

Chris leaves. Christopher remains at the table, puzzling over
the last part.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris talks with his ex-wife Linda about taking care of their son Christopher and sorting out their situation. He then receives a call from Jay Twistle offering him a spot in the Dean Witter intern program. Chris rushes back to his motel room where he spends time with Christopher before heading out to play basketball and sell a bone density scanner.
Strengths "The scene has a clear focus on Chris's difficult situation and his determination to improve it. The theme of struggle and overcoming obstacles is strongly conveyed through the dialogue and Chris's actions. The scene also establishes the bond between Chris and his son Christopher."
Weaknesses "There is little external conflict in the scene and much of the tension comes from Chris's internal struggle. The dialogue can be a bit repetitive at times."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tension and uncertainty between Linda and Chris. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- It's not immediately clear what "five feet away" refers to in the first sentence. It would be better to specify that Linda and Chris are facing each other from five feet away.
- The dialogue could benefit from more character-specific voice. Both Linda and Chris speak in fairly general terms, and it's not always clear what their emotional subtext is. Adding more unique language and reveals about their motivations and feelings would make the scene more compelling.
- The action lines could be more succinct and specific. For example, instead of "After a while, he turns and looks at Christopher," it would be better to say "Chris turns to look at Christopher, who is sleeping on the couch." This helps the reader visualize the scene more clearly.

Overall, the scene effectively advances the story and explores the relationship between Linda and Chris. With a few tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more description: The scene lacks descriptive language, which makes it hard for the reader to visualize what is happening. Adding more detail about the setting, characters, and their actions can bring the scene to life.

2. Increase tension: There is some conflict between Linda and Chris, but it could be heightened by raising the stakes or adding more obstacles in their way. Perhaps Linda is more hesitant to leave Christopher with Chris, or Chris is struggling to make ends meet.

3. Show, don't tell: There's a lot of dialogue in this scene, but not enough action. Instead of having the characters explain their emotions and motivations, try to show them through their behavior and body language.

4. Develop the relationship between Chris and Christopher: The scene would benefit from more interaction between father and son. Adding a scene where they actually play basketball together, for example, would show their bond and make the audience more invested in their relationship.

5. Add more conflict: The scene feels a bit flat as it is. Adding more conflict or problems for Chris to solve would make it more interesting. Perhaps he encounters a difficult customer while selling a scanner, or has to deal with a setback in his internship.



Scene 19 -  Chris spends time with his son and begins his internship
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. PLAYGROUND, SAN FRANCISCO - EVENING

Chris has taken Christopher to a park basketball court in the
middle of the city. Christopher takes a shot, misses and hits
a scanner that rests near the court.

CHRIS
(quietly)
Shit...
59.



Chris gets the ball.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Try not to hit that. Okay?

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

Chris dribbles the ball, smiling.

CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
I’m going pro.

CHRIS
(watching Christopher for
a stretch)
Yeah, I don’t know.

Chris isn’t smiling now.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(kindly)
Come here. Listen.

Christopher walks over. Chris looks at him.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(kindly))
You’ll probably be about as good as
I was. That’s the way it works. And
I was below average, so you’ll
probably ultimately rank somewhere
around there. Around average.

Christopher listens; his eyes are a little wider now with the
new set of facts.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You’ll excel at a number of things.
Not this, though. So I don’t want
you out here day and night,
bouncing this ball. Okay?

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

A couple moments pass.

CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
Why did we move to a motel?

CHRIS
Because I’m getting a better job.
60.



Christopher makes a curious expression; he’s a smart child
and doesn’t add that up. Chris looks down at him.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You have to trust me.

CHRISTOPHER
I trust you.

CHRIS
(looking at his watch)
It’s time to go.

They head off the court. Christopher’s trailing.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Come on. Keep up.

CHRISTOPHER
When’s Mom coming back?

CHRIS
I don’t know...

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Early Saturday, Chris and his son are the only ones in the
train car. They ride through the city with the scanner
between them.

EXT. OAKLAND - LATER

Chris and his son walk through an Oakland business district.
The streets are pretty quiet still; Chris carries his
scanner.

EXT. CHECK CASH STORE, OAKLAND - LATER

Chris has sold the scanner. He cashes a check at the counter
while Christopher waits beside him. Christopher’s checking
out some Clark candy bars for sale on the counter. He doesn’t
say anything though. Chris sees him.

CHRIS
(to Christopher)
Do you want one?

Christopher nods. Chris faces the clerk again and points to
the candy bars.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
One of these, please.
61.



EXT. MRS. CHUS DAYCARE - DAY

Morning, Chris wears a new suit and parts company with
Christopher outside daycare right under the word Happyness.

CHRIS
I’ll see you after school.

CHRISTOPHER
You’re going to get me?

CHRIS
Yeah. I’m going to get you.

Christopher heads inside. Chris stands under the word
Happyness, looking at him go.

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - LATER (MORNING)

Chris is dressed in the new suit; he rides the bus along the
bay as the sun rises.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING/STREET FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Office Manager ALAN FRAKESH, 38, leads the entire group of
twenty Dean Witter interns, including Chris, from the Dean
Witter building toward some destination across the street;
each is clean-cut and fresh-looking. The group reaches a busy
corner where three streets intersect. Frakesh gestures to a
number of skyscrapers visible around them.

FRAKESH
Mehvney Industrial and Sanco Oil
have the twelve hundred building.
Lee-Ray shipping is across the
street.

Chris listens; he’s glancing at the size of the skyscrapers.

FRAKESH (CONT’D)
In a couple weeks you’ll get cold
call sheets with the phone numbers
of employees from the Fortunes 500s
in the financial district. If you
canvas the district you can pool
from sixty Fortune companies.
Coffees and working lunches can be
fun occasions to familiarize
possible clients with our packages.
We need you to bring them in. Match
their needs and goals to a package.
And sign them up.
62.



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, DEAN WITTER - LATER

Chris and the other interns sit around a conference table.
Frakesh distributes pretty thick textbooks.

FRAKESH
The board examination isn't just a
simple pass fail. It’s an
evaluatory tool we use to separate
applicants.

Frakesh checks his watch.

FRAKESH (CONT’D)
Okay. Five minute break. Back at
two.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris spends time with his son Christopher at a park, they sell a bone density scanner, and Chris begins his internship at Dean Witter.
Strengths "Strong character development for both Chris and his son, realistic dialogue, building tension as Chris approaches the interview"
Weaknesses "Slow pace, lack of action"
Critique Overall, this scene lacks clear plot progression or conflict. The dialogue feels somewhat flat and there isn't a clear direction for the characters. Additionally, some of the character actions feel unmotivated and there are a few grammatical errors that need to be corrected.

Here are some specific suggestions:

1. Clarify the character motivations and stakes. What does Chris want? How is he trying to achieve his goals? What are the consequences if he fails?

2. Add more conflict to the scene. Right now, there isn't much tension or drama to keep the audience engaged. Consider adding a new obstacle or challenge for the characters to overcome.

3. Edit for grammatical errors. For example, there are a few missing punctuation marks and capitalization errors throughout the scene.

4. Develop the characters more fully. Right now, the dialogue feels somewhat stilted and flat. Adding more personality and depth to the characters could help make the scene more engaging.

Overall, this scene could benefit from some stronger plot progression and clearer character motivations. With some additional work, it has the potential to be a more engaging and impactful scene.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Add more sensory description to the setting. What kind of sounds, smells, and sights are present at the playground, train, and office buildings? How does San Francisco look and feel at evening and morning? This will help engage the reader's imagination and create a more immersive experience.
- Show more of Christopher's reaction to the news that he may not be a great basketball player. Does he feel disappointed, frustrated, or determined to prove his father wrong? This could add more depth to Christopher's character and establish his relationship with his father.
- Show more of the conflict in Chris's life. The scene currently focuses on his work as an intern at Dean Witter, but it would be interesting to see more of his struggles as a single father trying to provide for his son. Does he worry about money, housing, or his ex-wife's absence? This could add more tension and stakes to the story.
- Consider adding more dialogue to show the relationships between the characters. For example, how does Chris talk to other interns or his boss at Dean Witter? What kind of conversations does he have with Christopher outside of the basketball court? This could help develop the characters and their personalities.



Scene 20 -  The Bus Bench
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris is on break, waiting to cross the broad intersection
out front of the skyscraper. The FIRST PARTNER from Chris’s
early interview has come out as well and stands beside Chris,
hailing a cab.

FIRST PARTNER
Hi...

CHRIS
Hi.

The guy can’t recall Chris’s name.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Chris.

FIRST PARTNER
How are you doing?

CHRIS
I’m good. Thanks.

FIRST PARTNER
How’s first day?

CHRIS
Good. Exciting.

FIRST PARTNER
(kidding, looking around
and meaning why’s Chris
outside)
You’re not quitting are you?
63.



CHRIS
No. Five minute break.
(nodding across the
street)
I’m grabbing a candy bar. We’re
doing board prep.

FIRST PARTNER
(like board prep’s hard)
Man. I remember mine...

While the first partner reminisces, Chris sees something.

CHRIS’S POV

The Filipino sits across the street on a bus bench; he’s got
Chris’s scanner on his lap.

From across the street, Chris looks at him.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
... it was an hour exam. Not three
like yours...

CHRIS (V.O.)
If I sold every scanner I had, I
might still come up short by the
end of the program.

FIRST PARTNER
...and we had no world markets on
it...

CHRIS (V.O.)
So I was watching a guy with my
rent on his lap waiting for a bus
to somewhere else.

Chris is focused on the Filipino. He sees the bus coming for
him a block south.

FIRST PARTNER
We didn’t cover taxes either. It
was still a pain in the ass...

CHRIS (V.O.)
I couldn’t run right off while he
was talking, because I’d look like
a freak.

Chris sees the bus pulling up.
64.



CHRIS (V.O.)
But the bus was coming.

CHRIS
(to the first partner)
Well, I’m down to two minutes. On
my break.

FIRST PARTNER
Yeah, Frakesh is a prick about it,
too, I bet.

CHRIS
It’s my first day, so...

FIRST PARTNER
Okay, get going.

Chris begins to cross the street. He’s got to walk, although
the bus has arrived. After a moment, it clears; the bus bench
is empty. The guy has gotten on.

Chris has to walk until he turns a corner where the bus has
gone. He finally does; he’s out of sight of the first partner
and starts to run.

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - SAME

The Filipino sits near the window. He has the scanner. At
that moment, Chris catches up to the bus and comes into view,
running up alongside the guy’s window. IT’S AT THIS POINT
THAT CHRIS GETS HIT BY A CAR.

FILIPINO GUY
Whoa....
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris takes a break from his first day at Dean Witter to grab a candy bar but sees the Filipino refugee who stole his bone density scanner waiting for a bus across the street. He tries to walk to the bus stop unnoticed but ends up getting hit by a car.
Strengths "Tension and suspense are built up as Chris tries to sneakily make his way to the bus stop without being noticed by the Filipino. The scene also highlights Chris's drive and determination to make the most of his internship opportunity."
Weaknesses "The scene ends on a sudden and tragic note without much resolution or character development."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene. First, the dialogue between Chris and the first partner feels stilted and somewhat forced. It doesn't flow naturally and doesn't add much to the story. Additionally, the first partner's reminiscing about board prep feels like unnecessary filler.

The action with the Filipino also feels rushed and poorly executed. Chris suddenly sees him across the street and then decides to chase after the bus, but it's not clear why he needed to do this in such a hurry. The scene could benefit from more tension and build-up to this moment.

Finally, the moment where Chris is hit by a car feels abrupt and out-of-nowhere. While unexpected twists can be effective in storytelling, in this case it's not clear what purpose this serves. It might be more impactful if there was some foreshadowing or a setup earlier in the scene to make this moment feel more earned.

Overall, this scene needs some work to tighten up the dialogue and pacing, and to make the action more compelling.
Suggestions First of all, the scene could benefit from some more description of the setting. What does the intersection look like? What does the skyscraper look like? It will help create a more vivid picture for the reader.

Additionally, the conversation between Chris and the first partner could be more engaging. They’re just exchanging small talk and it doesn’t feel like they have much of a connection. Perhaps there’s a way to make their dialogue more interesting and reveal more about their characters.

Finally, the action could be heightened. Right now, Chris sees the Filipino with his scanner and starts running after the bus, but there’s no real tension or urgency to the scene until he gets hit by a car. Maybe there’s a way to increase the suspense and make it more of a nail-biter.



Scene 21 -  Chris gets hit by a car
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. STREET - SAME

Chris lays on the pavement in the middle of the city street.
His eyes are open, but he seems stunned. Cars come right at
him.

SPANISH GUY
Hey, asshole.

A SPANISH GUY hauls Chris up to a knee then quickly over the
few feet to the sidewalk as a car swerves by.

SPANISH GUY (CONT’D)
Are you all right, man? Fuck.
65.



CHRIS
(standing now, coming
around further)
Yeah...

SPANISH GUY
What are you doing? I could have
killed you.

The guy’s car is pulled over behind them; he’s the driver who
struck Chris.

SPANISH GUY (CONT’D)
Are you okay?

CHRIS
Yeah.

SPANISH GUY
What are you doing?

CHRIS
I was trying to catch the bus.

SPANISH GUY
You’re all right?

CHRIS
Yeah.

They stand around there for a while.

SPANISH GUY
Gross, man. Your thumb. Man, gross.

CHRIS
(not following the guy)
What?

SPANISH GUY
You got a fucked up thumb.

Chris’s thumb stiffly points opposite the way it ought to.

SPANISH GUY (CONT’D)
Man, your thumb’s fucked up.

CHRIS
(noticing it)
Yeah...

After a moment, Chris starts to walk away.
66.



SPANISH GUY
Hey.

CHRIS
What?

SPANISH GUY
Where are you going?

CHRIS
Work.

SPANISH GUY
We should wait for the cops.

CHRIS
I’m on a five minute break. I have
like a minute left.

SPANISH GUY
You got hit by a car. Go to the
hospital.

CHRIS
I can’t. I’m in a competitive
internship at Dean Witter.

Chris waves then begins to run back the way he came.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, DEAN WITTER - LATER

Chris hustles back into the conference room. The other
interns are all seated and working from their textbooks.
Chris takes his seat; he picks up his pencil to write, even
though that thumb’s pointing in a different direction than
everyone else’s.

CHRIS (V.O.)
This part of my life is called...

CHRIS
(privately, flexing his
hand)
Ow... fuck...

CHRIS (V.O.)
...intern. Show up early.

INT. MAIN OFFICE, DEAN WITTER - MORNING

Early, The wide office space of open desks is empty except
for Chris and his twenty intern competitors, reading early
market charts on computers.
67.



CHRIS (V.O.)
Run with coffee...

EXT. WESTERN AVE, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - DAY

On another day, Chris is dressed for work and runs awkwardly
up a financial district sidewalk with a carry carton full of
coffees; he spills on his wrist.

CHRIS
Fuck...

CHRIS (V.O.)
Favors for Frakesh. Our office
manager. All day.

INT. CUBICLE ROW, DEAN WITTER - DAY

Chris sits at the end of a cubicle row of interns making cold
calls from a employee sheet marked Pacific Transportation.
He’s got Marshall Slauson: Billing circled in red.

CHRIS
(with a pretty fast
rhythm)
Our office is a block from Pacific.
I’d be glad to come over and share
our information with you. Even the
eight hundred dollars from your
profit sharing, if that’s all you
moved into the market yearly--
(listening)
Sure...
(listening)
You have my number.
(listening)
Call me with any questions, Mr.
Slauson. Anytime.

Alan Frakesh walks up to Chris’s desk.

ALAN
Who wants to get me a doughnut?

He’s looking at Chris. So Chris has to get up.

EXT. WESTERN AVENUE, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Chris runs up the same coffee-spilling sidewalk, holding a
doughnut.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Stay late.
68.



INT. CUBICLE ROW, DEAN WITTER - LATER

Chris is on the cold call phone again. There’s all kind of
cold call chatter from the interns around him.

CHRIS
Even the four hundred dollars from
your pension can accrue to three
times--
(listening)
Accrue means adds up. Quickly. Into
more money.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary After taking a break from his first day at Dean Witter, Chris tries to avoid the Filipino refugee who stole his bone density scanner and ends up getting hit by a car. He gets up with a stiff thumb and rushes back to work, trying to hide the injury from his colleagues.
Strengths "The scene shows the determination and resilience of the main character as he tries to hide his injury and continues with his internship at Dean Witter despite the setbacks he encounters."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more development in terms of character relationships and interpersonal conflicts."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to lack a clear sense of purpose and stakes. The interaction between Chris and the Spanish guy at the beginning feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It also doesn't seem to have any real consequences for Chris or the story as a whole.

Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit clunky and lacks subtlety. The Spanish guy's use of profanity feels forced and unnecessary, and his concern for Chris doesn't seem to be rooted in any real emotion or depth of character.

The use of voiceover also feels somewhat heavy-handed and unnecessary. It's not clear why we need to hear Chris narrating his own story in this way, and it distracts from the action of the scene.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more focus and a clearer sense of purpose and stakes for the characters involved. The dialogue could also be refined to feel more natural and engaging.
Suggestions 1. Increase the tension: The scene needs more tension to create a sense of urgency. Maybe the Spanish guy is angry and blames Chris for the accident. Or, maybe the driver who hit Chris is defensive and tries to blame him. This will also add to the conflict and help move the story forward.

2. Develop the characters: The Spanish guy is introduced briefly but there is no context for who he is or why he’s helping Chris. It could be helpful to expand on his character and create a reason for him to assist Chris. This will also add depth to the character and make the scene more memorable.

3. Add more description: The scene lacks description and visual depth. By adding more literary language, the scene can come alive and the audience can imagine the surroundings. For example, the city could be described in detail, the sound of cars honking could be included, or the sun reflecting off the pavement could be mentioned.

4. Cut out unnecessary dialogue: There are moments of dialogue that seem excessive. If these lines of dialogue don’t move the plot forward or develop the characters, then they should be cut out.

5. Add more action: The scene needs more action to create a sense of urgency and to engage the audience. The Spanish guy could throw Chris to the ground to avoid the car, or Chris could get up and start limping towards the sidewalk. This will add to the visual impact of the scene and make it more memorable.



Scene 22 -  Chris's Commute and Conversation with Christopher
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

At day’s end, the intersection before the skyscraper is
mostly quiet; CHRIS, THOUGH, HAS LEFT THE SKYSCRAPER AND
SPRINTS ACROSS IT.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Then catch an A train by six.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides the train.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Then the crosstown.

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides east through San Francisco.

CHRIS (V.O.)
To the blue line.

INT. CITY TRAIN - MOVING

Chris is on another el.

CHRIS (V.O.
The twenty-two

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING

Chris rides another bus.

CHRIS (V.O.)
To the place they can’t spell
Happiness.
69.



EXT. MRS. CHU’S DAYCARE - LATER

Christopher waits outside the facility with Mrs. Chu under
their mural. He’s the last kid. Chris runs up for him.

INT. MOTEL ROOM. KITCHENETTE - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris studies his textbook in their small kitchenette.
Christopher’s down for the night on a cot in the living room
beside him. Chris is writing. His thumb’s still hurting.

CHRIS
(from pain in his hand)
Ah...

CHRISTOPHER
(meaning what’s wrong)
What?

CHRIS
My thumb.

CHRISTOPHER
What happened?

CHRIS
I got hit by a car.

CHRISTOPHER
Where?

CHRIS
On Pacific?

CHRISTOPHER
Where on your body?

CHRIS
The back of my legs. I don’t
remember really.

CHRISTOPHER
How’d you hurt your thumb then?

CHRIS
I landed on it.
(kindly)
Go to sleep.

CHRISTOPHER
Were you on the street?
70.



CHRIS
I was running on the street. Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER
Don’t do that. You can get hurt.

CHRIS
(smiling)
Okay... Go to sleep.

Chris finishes a page of his textbook. Then he closes it.
Then he opens his checkbook to pay bills he’s got there. He
looks at the amount he’s got: $138.00. Chris stares at the
number for a while. He’s concerned of course.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Then eight hours later... reverse.

*The film speeds up and takes Chris and Christopher on a
quick-motion glimpse through their many transfers through the
city back to daycare and work.

EXT. DEAN WITTER SKYSCRAPER - LATER

Chris runs up to the skyscraper for work again.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris takes several modes of transportation to pick up his son from daycare and return to work before discussing his injury with him. He also expresses concern over his financial situation.
Strengths "Realistic depiction of the struggles of working-class Americans"
Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of significant plot developments"
Critique As a screenwriting language AI model, I can offer some feedback on the scene:

The scene contains a lot of quick cuts and visual transitions, which can be effective in showing Chris's journey through the city, but the constant changes can also be disorienting for the audience. The use of voiceover narration helps to provide context and guide the audience through the scene, but it can also feel repetitive at times.

Additionally, the dialogue between Chris and Christopher feels natural and adds character development, but it could benefit from more subtext and depth. Overall, the scene effectively conveys Chris's daily routine and the financial struggles he is facing, but it could be improved with more nuance and subtlety in the storytelling.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Make the transitions clearer: In the current version, there are a lot of quick transitions between various modes of transportation. It might be helpful to add some graphic or visual cues, such as showing which train/bus line Chris is on, or overlaying the names of the stops he's passing through.

2. Add more conflict: The scene could benefit from some additional tension or conflict. Perhaps Chris encounters some obstacles on his journey, or runs into someone who tries to prevent him from getting to his destination.

3. Show don't tell: The dialogue in the scene is mostly exposition, with Chris narrating each leg of his journey. It would be more effective to show some of these moments visually, such as showing Chris running across the intersection or getting onto the train/bus.

4. Increase the stakes: The scene could be more high-stakes if we knew exactly why Chris needs to catch the A train by six. Is it a job interview? A meeting with a client? If there was a clear objective for Chris, it would give the audience more reason to root for him and feel invested in his journey.



Scene 23 -  Chris Gets a Chance
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. DEAN WITTER OFFICES - DAY

The camera tracks along the cubicle row where each intern
sits making calls.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Whoever brought in the most money
after five months was usually
hired.

They work frantically.

CHRIS (V.O.)
They were all working their way up
call sheets to sign clients.

An intern scratches a name he called from the bottom of a
sheet titled State Farm.

Chris sits in the last cubicle.

CHRIS (V.O.)
They’d stay till eight, but I had
Chris. I didn’t have the same time
to work my way up a sheet.

Chris looks at his sheet.
71.



CHRIS’S POV

The sheet is titled Bell Western. THE CAMERA PANS UP THE
SHEET FROM LOW LEVEL ADMINISTRATOR TITLES AND NAMES UP TO THE
TOP:

Walter Ribbon: Pension Fund Manager.

Chris looks at the name Ribbon and decides to dial it. He
awaits an answer.

SECRETARY (O.S.)
Walter Ribbon’s office.

CHRIS
Chris Gardner for Walter Ribbon.

SECRETARY (O.S.)
Concerning?

CHRIS
I’m calling from Dean Witter.

SECRETARY (O.S.)
Just a moment.

Chris, surprised he’s getting through, waits by the phone.

WALTER RIBBON (O.S.)
Hello.

CHRIS
Hello, Mr. Ribbon. This is Chris
Gardner. I’m calling from Dean
Witter.

WALTER RIBBON (O.S.)
Yeah, Chris.

CHRIS
Mr. Ribbon. I wondered if you’d
give me a few moments to discuss
our products and how I might--

WALTER RIBBON (O.S.)
Can you be here in a half-hour?

CHRIS
Yes.
72.



WALTER RIBBON
I just had someone cancel. Come
now. I can give you a few minutes
before the Giants game.

Chris is already taking off.

INT. LOBBY, DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

CHRIS SPRINTS THROUGH THE BUSY LOBBY.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Office manager Alan Frakesh is on his way in with a cup of
coffee. He encounters Chris as Chris hustles out.

ALAN
What’s up?

CHRIS
Hey, Alan.

ALAN
Hey, man. Do you have five minutes?

CHRIS
Man, I guess. I’m meeting Walter
Ribbon at Bell Western at three.

ALAN
Because I have no minutes. I’m
supposed to present commodities to
Bromer. Could you move my car? That
would really help me out.

CHRIS
Where is it?

ALAN
Lowery.
(pointing)
Half block. Lemon Tercel.

CHRIS
Where am I moving it?

ALAN
(like it’s real easy)
Other side of Lowery. They’re
streetsweeping. There’s spaces.
73.



CHRIS
(reluctantly)
All right...

Alan has handed Chris keys.

ALAN
Hold on to these. I have backups in
my desk.

Chris begins to go.

ALAN (CONT’D)
And you have to jimmy that.

CHRIS
Jimmy what?

ALAN
You have to jimmy the key. And the
other doors don’t unlock.

Alan makes a “jimmying” gesture to indicate what Chris needs
to do.

ALAN (CONT’D)
You have to jimmy it. Lemon Tercel.

Privately, Chris is a little more pissed.

EXT. LOWERY AVENUE, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Chris has approached a parked lemon Tercel. He puts the key
in the driver’s door. He begins to “jimmy” it. It doesn’t
open.

Chris messes around with it a little more. It still won’t
open. He looks at his watch.

INT. WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE, BELL WESTERN BUILDING - SAME

Fund manager WALTER RIBBON sits behind his desk, meeting with
a couple younger associates; THERE’S A PROMINENT OFFICE CLOCK
behind him reading 2:42.

EXT. LOWERY AVENUE - SAME

Back on Lowery, Chris continues to jimmy the key in the lock.

CHRIS
(frustrated, to himself)
I’m jimmying it. Come on. This is
jimmying it.
74.



INT. WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE - SAME

The associates have cleared out of Ribbon’s office. Walter
does paper work at his desk. THE CLOCK BEHIND HIM READS 2:48.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris, a struggling intern, manages to impress Walter Ribbon and gets a chance to present their products. However, he is delayed by Alan who wants him to move his car, which leads to Chris struggling with opening the car and being late for his meeting.
Strengths "The tension built up in the scene is engaging, and the character's determination to succeed despite the obstacles he faces makes him sympathetic."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks clear thematic messaging and could benefit from stronger character development."
Critique Overall, this scene provides a clear motivation for the protagonist, Chris, to succeed as an intern at Dean Witter. However, there are a few critiques:

1. The dialogue could be tightened. There are a few instances where characters repeat information that has already been established.

2. The action could be more specific. For example, when Chris is trying to "jimmy" the car door, it's unclear what he's doing. Adding in specific details would make the action more engaging for the audience.

3. There's a lack of visual interest in the scene. Although the camera tracks along the cubicle row, there's not much else to look at. Adding in more visual elements, such as interesting camera angles or dynamic movement, would make the scene more visually engaging.

Overall, this scene sets up the story well but could benefit from a bit more specificity and visual interest.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Consider compressing some of the dialogue to make the scene move faster. For example, Chris could say "Can you be here in a half-hour?" and Walter Ribbon could simply respond "Yes, I have some time before the game. Come now." This would help to build tension and make the scene more dynamic.

- Show more of Chris's frustration with having to move Alan's car. This could be conveyed through body language or muttered under his breath. This would help to establish the stakes of the situation and make Chris a more sympathetic character.

- Consider using music or sound effects to underscore the tension as Chris struggles to open the car. This could help to increase the sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged.

- Consider adding a visual element to the scene. For example, the camera could cut back and forth between Chris struggling with the car and Walter Ribbon looking at his watch. This would help to create a sense of parallel action and build tension.

- Finally, consider cutting back on some of the exposition in the scene. For example, the line "Whoever brought in the most money after five months was usually hired" is unnecessary and could be cut without affecting the story. This would help to streamline the scene and make it more focused on the action.



Scene 24 -  Chris Struggles to Make His Meeting
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ALAN’S TERCEL, MOVING - LATER

Chris has finally gained entry and drives around north San
Francisco, trying to find parking.

INT. WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE - LATER

Walter Ribbon sits at his desk. The large wall clock that
looms behind him reads 2:55. RIBBON WEARS A SAN FRANCISCO
GIANTS BASEBALL CAP now.

EXT. SIERRA BOULEVARD - LATER

Chris has pulled the Tercel into a metered parking space.
He’s left the driver’s side. But after he’s shut the door, he
realizes he’s left his work materials inside. He puts the key
in. The door won’t unlock, so Chris begins to “jimmy” it
again.

CHRIS
Shit...

INT. WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE - SAME

The prominent clocks reads 3:01. Ribbon wears the ball cap
but also takes a mitt from his drawer.

EXT. STREET, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - SAME

Chris stands at the meter beside the parked Tercel. He’s got
his work case with him and has been looking through his
pockets for change. He doesn’t have any quarters. Chris looks
at his watch. Then he looks back at the meter. Then he just
takes off.

EXT. SIERRA BOULEVARD, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Chris runs with his workbag up the Sierra Boulevard sidewalk.

EXT. SIERRA BOULEVARD - LATER

Chris stands on the sidewalk, looking around for an address
he can’t find. A BUSINESSMAN WALKS BY.

CHRIS
Where’s 223 east, man? It should be
right here.
75.



BUSINESSMAN
This is 200 west. You have to cross
Cortez.

CHRIS
(quietly)
Fuck...

BUSINESSMAN
You have to go east four blocks.

EXT. CORTEZ STREET, FINANCIAL DISTRICT - LATER

Once again, Chris is running through San Francisco.

INT. LOBBY, WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE BUILDING - LATER

Chris has jogged into the skyscraper lobby. He caught an
elevator just as the doors close; the elevator is ABSOLUTELY
PACKED THOUGH, so much so that it’s absurd for Chris to try
to enter, which out of desperation he does anyway. A
maintenance worker up front pushes him out.

MAINTENANCE WORKER
Get the fuck out of here, man.

Chris steps back and lets the elevator go up without him. He
hits the button. Soon, another elevator opens. Chris jumps
in.

INT. ELEVATOR - LATER

Chris is alone in the elevator going up; there’s easy
listening coming through the elevator speaker that cuts
across Chris’s frantic mood, so it’s a peculiar few moments.

INT. WALTER RIBBONS OFFICE - SAME

Walter Ribbon is no longer there. There is just an empty,
high-backed chair behind his desk with the large clock
reading 3:17 hanging on the wall behind it.

INT. RECEPTION DESK, LOBBY, WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE - LATER

As the receptionist finishes a call, Chris approaches her. He
arrives at the desk. They look at each other. Chris smiles
and tries to come across bright-eyed.

CHRIS
Hi, I’m Chris Gardner.
76.



INT. ELEVATOR, WALTER RIBBON’S OFFICE BUILDING - LATER

Chris stands among a crowd of office-workers in an elevator
that’s going down. His expression is the opposite of the one
he was just making; it’s clear he didn’t see Walter Ribbon.

EXT. SIERRA BOULEVARD - LATER

Dispirited, Chris returns to the parked Tercel and FINDS A
PARKING TICKET ON THE WINDSHIELD.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Chris struggles to find parking and retrieve his work materials before rushing to Walter Ribbon's office for a meeting. He faces numerous obstacles, including a locked car and a crowded elevator, and ultimately arrives too late, missing his chance to present his products.
Strengths "The scene captures the frantic, high-pressure situation that Chris is in, and the obstacles he faces are relatable and engaging. The use of time and space adds tension and helps to heighten the stakes."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more impactful, and some of the events feel slightly contrived."
Critique Overall, this scene could benefit from more clarity and purpose. It feels like a disjointed series of events that don't drive the plot forward or reveal character development.

One issue is that there is no clear goal or obstacle for Chris. He is driving around looking for parking, then he forgets his work materials in the car and has to go back, but then he still can't find the address he's looking for. It's not clear what he is trying to accomplish or what's at stake if he fails. This lack of focus makes it hard for the audience to invest in the scene and care about what happens to Chris.

Additionally, the dialogue between Chris and the businessman feels forced and unrealistic. They both speak in short, direct sentences that don't convey much nuance or personality. The cursing and exasperation also come across as gratuitous and don't add much to the scene.

To improve this scene, it could benefit from more tension and character development. Perhaps Chris is running late for an important job interview and is desperate to make a good impression. Or maybe he's on a mission to impress his estranged family and needs this job to provide for them. By adding a clear goal and sense of stakes, the scene would become more engaging and meaningful. The dialogue could also be improved by making it more natural and revealing of the characters' personalities and motivations.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to increase the tension and urgency of the scene. This can be achieved by adding more obstacles for Chris to overcome in his quest to meet with Walter Ribbon. For example, he could run into a roadblock or a protest that is obstructing the street, or he could encounter a police officer who questions him about his activities.

Another suggestion would be to add more emotional depth to the scene, particularly in Chris's character. There could be moments where he expresses his frustrations, doubts, or fears, making him a more relatable and sympathetic character. This could include him reflecting on his struggles to provide for his family or the stakes of this meeting with Walter Ribbon for his future.

Lastly, there could be a clearer resolution or consequence to the scene. For example, instead of just finding a parking ticket on the windshield, the parking ticket could have a significant impact on his financial situation or affect his ability to meet with Walter Ribbon. This would add more weight to the scene and make it more impactful.



Scene 25 -  The Parking Ticket
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CITY TRAIN - LATER

Later, Chris rides the metro train. Pretty soon, he sees
OFFICE MANAGER ALAN FRAKESH, having just boarded, walking
down the aisle. They make eye contact.

CHRIS
Hey...

ALAN
Hey.

CHRIS
Why are you on the train?

ALAN
I’m just cruising up to Morgan
Stanley. For a presentation.
Parking in the financial district’s
a pain in the ass.

CHRIS
Yeah.

Alan takes an empty space beside Chris.

ALAN
Thanks for moving my car.

CHRIS
That’s all right. It’s on Sierra.

ALAN
(like Sierra’s pretty far)
Sierra?

CHRIS
Yeah.

Chris reaches into his work bag.
77.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
There weren’t any spaces around
Lowery. Where you said.

Chris TAKES THE PARKING TICKET OUT.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I missed an appointment at Bell
Western. With Walter Ribbon. Walter
Ribbon left.

ALAN
Man...

CHRIS
I was twenty-three minutes late.

Now Chris is A LITTLE MORE THAN VAGUELY HOLDING THE TICKET
OUT TOWARD ALAN TO ALLOW ALAN TO ASSUME IT AND THE
RESPONSIBILITY OF PAYING FOR IT. Alan has seen the ticket but
isn’t taking it.

ALAN
Tell him some Dean Witter business
came up.

CHRIS
(pissed)
Okay...

ALAN
Something for a current client.
That’ll seem industrious.

CHRIS
Yeah...

Chris HAS CONTINUED TO HOLD THE PARKING TICKET OUT. FRAKESH
CONTINUES TO IGNORE IT. So Chris just reaches over and puts
the ticket on Alan’s body. Alan, though, will not take
possession of the parking ticket. He merely allows it to
slide slowly down his sportcoat sleeve and come to rest on
the train seat between him and Chris. HE DOESN’T EVEN
ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THAT JUST HAPPENED either; he’s just kept
looking straight ahead.

Chris looks at Alan. Alan won’t make eye contact.

MONTAGE

What follows is a series of dissolves featuring the train
interior with Alan and Chris sitting with the ticket equally
between them.
78.


Through dissolves, the passage of time is indicated by the
changing crowd of passengers around Chris and Alan Frakesh.
New riders appear and disappear. Throughout the sequence,
though, the ticket remains exactly between the two men. Soon,
the train comes to a stop. Alan rises.

ALAN
Thanks again for moving my car.

Alan walks down the aisle to leave the train. He leaves the
ticket behind. Chris remains beside it. Alan has disembarked.
The train begins moving again, taking Chris and his parking
ticket somewhere else. Then Chris puts it in his workbag.

INT. DINER, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris and Christopher sit across from one another at a booth.
Chris pays the parking ticket with his checkbook.

CHRIS
We should get home pretty soon.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

CHRIS
(kindly)
Finish up.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.
(looking at the checkbook)
What are you doing?

CHRIS
Paying bills. A parking ticket.

CHRISTOPHER
You don’t have a car anymore.

CHRIS
I know.

Chris looks down at his checkbook.

CHRIS’S POV

The amount he’s just written as his balance is $64.08

Chris looks at that for a while. He’s worried.
79.



CHRIS
I need to take you with me to a
couple doctors’ offices tomorrow.
Okay? For a sales call.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

CHRIS
Then... possibly... we’ll go to a
baseball game. Possibly. Okay?

CHRISTOPHER
(pleased)
Yeah...

CUT TO:

INT. BUS, SUBURBS - LATER

It’s a jarring cut because for the first time, the setting is
not the city. Chris and Christopher ride in the bus together.
THEY’RE WEARING BRAND NEW SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS BASEBALL CAPS
SO FRESH THEIR BRIMS AREN’T BENT. Chris has a scanner with
him. Out the window pass spread out suburban homes and trees.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris struggles to find parking and retrieve his work materials before rushing to Walter Ribbon's office for a meeting. He faces numerous obstacles, including a locked car and a crowded elevator, and ultimately arrives too late, missing his chance to present his products.
Strengths "The scene showcases the daily struggles and obstacles Chris faces, which helps to build tension and sympathy for the character."
Weaknesses "The scene may seem a little mundane and slow-paced compared to other scenes in the screenplay."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some feedback on the scene, but keep in mind that I may not be as well versed in screenwriting conventions as a human expert.

Overall, the scene does a decent job of developing the characters and their relationship, while also providing some exposition about their current situation (i.e. Chris's financial struggles and need for a job). The use of a montage to show the passing of time on the train was a nice touch, as it helped to avoid any potential pacing issues.

However, there are a few issues with the scene that could be improved. For one, the dialogue feels a bit stilted and forced at times, especially when they're discussing the parking ticket. It could benefit from some added naturalism and subtext, to make the conversation feel more authentic. Additionally, the scene lacks any real conflict or escalation, which can make it feel somewhat static. Finding ways to add more tension or stakes to the scene could help make it more engaging.

Overall, while the scene has some strong elements, there are also some areas that could be improved upon to make it more effective.
Suggestions - Add more depth and conflict to the scene. At the moment, it is a simple conversation between two characters on a train and a brief montage. Consider adding more tension or obstacles that the characters have to face in regards to the parking ticket or their conversation.

- Show more character development. Use this scene as an opportunity to reveal more about Chris and Alan's personalities, motivations, or relationships. What is their history? What are their attitudes towards each other? What are their personal goals? Use these elements to create a more compelling and memorable scene.

- Consider using more visual language. While dialogue is important, visual storytelling can also add a lot of depth to the scene. Use camera angles, lighting, and setting to create a more immersive and emotional experience for the audience.

- Think about the scene's purpose in the overall story. What is the message or theme you want to convey with this scene? How does it fit into the larger narrative? Make sure that everything in the scene is serving that purpose and pushing the story forward.



Scene 26 -  Possibly Maybe
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. SUBURBAN TOWN - LATER

Later, Chris and Christopher, in their fresh caps, walk past
suburban houses.

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t understand.

CHRIS
You don’t understand what?

CHRISTOPHER
Are we going to the game?

CHRIS
We’re possibly going to the game.
Do you know what possibly means?

CHRISTOPHER
Like probably.

CHRIS
No... Possibly means we might, we
might not. Probably means there’s a
good chance we’re going.
80.



CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

CHRIS
(testing him)
What does probably mean?

CHRISTOPHER
It means there’s a good chance.

CHRIS
What does possibly mean?

CHRISTOPHER
I know what it means.

CHRIS
What?

CHRISTOPHER
It means we’re not going to the
game.

Chris laughs. He looks at his son for a while.

CHRIS
How’d you get so smart?

CHRISTOPHER
Because you’re smart.

Chris smiles. They fall silent and keep walking. After a
while, Chris’s expression shifts to doubt and concern whether
his son’s really right about that.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris walks with his son and explains the concept of possibly. He then questions if his son is really smart due to his financial struggles.
Strengths "The dialogue between Chris and his son is heartwarming and establishes their relationship well. The scene is relatable as it focuses on the struggles of a single parent."
Weaknesses "The scene is a bit slow and doesn't add much to the main plot."
Critique Overall, the scene is a nice moment between a father and son, but there are some opportunities to strengthen the dialogue and character development.

One place to start is with the conflict. While it's clear that Christopher wants to know if they're going to the game, the stakes aren't that high. If the goal is to create tension, perhaps there could be something else at stake here. For example, maybe Christopher desperately wants to go to the game because it's the only thing he and his father ever bond over, but Chris is secretly grappling with a fear of leaving the house. That would create more tension and a higher level of emotional engagement.

In terms of dialogue, there could be more distinctive voices for the two characters. They both sound fairly similar, which makes it difficult to tell them apart. Christopher especially could use some more nuance in his language – he's characterized as being very smart, but that doesn't come across in the way he speaks. Giving him longer sentences and more complex ideas would help to show off his intelligence.

Lastly, there's some room to add more depth to the characters. We get the sense that Chris is proud of his son and Christopher admires his father, but there's not a lot of complexity beyond that. Giving them each something they want or are afraid of would make them more well-rounded and interesting to watch.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Raise the stakes: While the dialogue is light and playful, the scene doesn't have a clear objective other than to show a moment between father and son. Adding some sense of urgency or a goal for the characters to accomplish would make it more engaging.

2. Use visuals: The scene is just two characters walking and talking. Consider adding some visual elements to break up the monotony and make the scene more dynamic. Maybe they pass by a group of rowdy teens heading towards the game, or someone's car is broken down on the side of the road that they have to maneuver around.

3. Give the characters more distinct voices: The dialogue between Chris and Christopher is fairly nondescript. Giving each character a more distinct way of speaking or expressing themselves would make them more memorable and add depth to the scene.

4. Cut out the last line: The final line about Chris's doubts feels out of place and interrupts the tone of the scene. The audience can infer Chris's emotions from his facial expression without needing him to spell it out.



Scene 27 -  Missed Opportunity
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - LATER

Chris has knocked on the door of a large private home.
Christopher waits beside him. Soon, Walter Ribbon answers the
door.

CHRIS
Mr. Ribbon?

WALTER RIBBON
Yes.

CHRIS
I’m Chris Gardner.

Ribbon’s wearing a Giants cap as well.
81.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
Dean Witter.

WALTER RIBBON
Hi... what are you doing up--

CHRIS
I came to apologize for missing our
appointment.

WALTER RIBBON
You didn’t need to come up.

CHRIS
I wanted to thank you for your
time. You probably waited for me.

WALTER RIBBON
A little bit.

CHRIS
I didn’t want you to think I took
that for granted.

WALTER RIBBON
(nodding at the scanner)
What’s that?

CHRIS
An Acro density scanner. I sold
them before I began at Dean Witter.
I have a few remaining on a sales
lease. I have an appointment. After
the game.

WALTER RIBBON
You guys are going to the game?

CHRIS
Yeah. This is my son Chris.

WALTER RIBBON
We’re going too. I’m taking my son
Tim. My sixteen-year-old. We were
just leaving.
(calling back into the
house)
Tim.

Chris waits in the doorway. He begins to go.
82.



CHRIS
Well, we’ll leave you alone. I’m
sorry about yesterday. It just
wasn’t enough time to finish my
work and get across the district. I
was eager, and probably too
optimistic about getting over
there.

WALTER RIBBON
I appreciate that.

Chris waves goodbye. He begins to leave with Chris. Some time
passes as they walk farther away from Ribbon.

Walter Ribbon watches Chris and his son walk off and approach
a car on the streetside that isn’t Chris’s.

WALTER RIBBON
Hey.

Chris seems relieved. He turns.

WALTER RIBBON (CONT’D)
You guys want to come with us?

Chris looks at Ribbon; A BALLGAME TRIP WITH RIBBON IS WHAT HE
WAS TRYING TO PULL OFF BY COMING OUT.

CHRIS
To Candlestick?

WALTER RIBBON
Yeah. We’re going now. Come with
us. Where are your seats?

CHRIS
Upper deck.

WALTER RIBBON
We have a box. Come on.
(to Christopher)
Do you want to sit in a box?

Christopher thinks about it for a while.

CHRISTOPHER
(plainly)
No.

CHRIS
(to his son)
It’s not an actual box.
83.
CHRIS(cont'd)
It’s a closed off area. It’s more
comfortable.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

Chris looks at Ribbon and smiles.

CHRIS
Yeah, that would be great.

WALTER RIBBON
(calling back to the
house)
Tim!

Chris has come over to Walter’s car. He’s starting to enter
with his scanner.

WALTER RIBBON (CONT’D)
Why don’t you just put that in your
car?

Chris looks over at the strange car he was just pretending to
enter; He looks at Ribbon for a while, trying to come up with
something. Then HE DOES SOMETHING PRETTY WEIRD.

CHRIS
Ah!

WALTER RIBBON
(meaning what happened)
What?

CHRIS
I just got stung by a bee.

Ribbon looks at Chris. He didn’t see any bee anywhere. It
functioned as enough of a subject change though that Ribbon
opens his driver’s door without bringing up the scanner
again. So Chris is able to get in the car without dealing
with the issue.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Chris misses his chance to present the products to Walter Ribbon due to his delays in finding parking and retrieving work materials. He meets Ribbon and his son while leaving Ribbon's home and is invited to a ballgame. Chris is relieved and gets in the car with his scanner after pretending to be stung by a bee to avoid talking about it.
Strengths
  • Effective use of diversion to avoid a subject change
  • Establishment of the ballgame as a key plot point in Chris' story
Weaknesses
  • Lack of direct conflict
Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and dialogue that sounds natural. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to help set the scene and give the audience a better understanding of the atmosphere. For example, describing the exterior of the suburban home or the surroundings would help add depth to the scene.

Additionally, there could be more conflict or tension in the scene to make it more engaging. As it stands, the scene feels somewhat flat and uneventful. Perhaps there could be more buildup to the apology or a more dynamic interaction between Chris and Walter Ribbon.

Finally, the sudden bee sting feels contrived as a way to change the subject from the scanner. It would be more effective if there were a more natural way for Chris to divert attention from the device.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more attention to detail and depth.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider adding more emotions to the characters, especially Chris. Make him more nervous or apologetic to show the gravity of the missed appointment.

2. Add more dialogue to reveal more about the characters. For example, what does Tim think about going to the game? Does he have any interests that could be explored?

3. Add more sensory details to the scene. For example, you could describe the surroundings in more detail or include more sensory details about the bee sting.

4. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene. For example, what is Chris really trying to accomplish by going to the game with Ribbon? Could there be more at stake than just watching a baseball game?

5. Consider cutting some of the dialogue or action to make the scene more concise. For example, do we really need to see Chris pretend to enter someone else's car? Could the scene be streamlined to focus more on the interaction between Chris and Ribbon?



Scene 28 -  Missing the Chance
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. WALTER RIBBON’S CAR, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides in the passenger seat. Ribbon’s driving them
toward San Francisco.

WALTER RIBBON
Are you okay?

CHRIS
Yeah.
84.



WALTER RIBBON
You’re not allergic or anything?

CHRIS
No...

WALTER RIBBON
Where did it get you?

CHRIS
Like... back of my head.

No one speaks for a little while.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Thomas Jefferson mentions happiness
a couple times in the Declaration
of Independence.

CUT TO:

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

CLOSE ON the phrase effect their safety and happiness.

CLOSE ON the phrase road to happiness.

CHRIS (V.O.)
It may seem like a strange word to
be in that document. But he was
sort of... he was an artist.

EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT - LATER

Chris and his son are in the midst of a Bell Western tailgate
party. Christopher plays with some of the younger kids in the
party. Chris sits on a lowered tailgate of an SUV, drinking
soda.

CHRIS (V.O.)
He called the English, “the
disturbers of our harmony.” And I
remember sitting there that day
thinking about the disturbers of
mine.

CLOSE ON CHRIS as he considers.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Mrs. Chu. Running. Christopher
maybe going with Linda to Los
Angeles. That idea.
85.



Christopher runs around in the grass lot. Chris watches him.

CHRIS (V.O.)
My bent thumb.

When Chris lifts his soda, WE SEE HIS WAYWARD THUMB.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I sat on the tailgate of someone’s
truck for forty minutes because of
the lack of an actual bee sting on
the back of my head. I couldn’t get
up and get a hot dog. And I was
pretty hungry. And I thought about
all this.

Chris looks at something significant.

CHRIS (V.O.)
But Walter Ribbon and his Bell
Western pension money, which was
millions, was a way to leave it
behind.

CHRIS’S POV

Walter Ribbon speaks with a group of colleagues nearby.
They’re laughing it up with pregame good cheer.

Chris looks over at Walter.

INT. CORPORATE BOX, CANDLESTICK PARK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Walter Ribbon holds a conversation with other work friends in
the crowded Bell Western corporate box. When he has a quiet
moment, Chris comes up to him. Ribbon turns to see Chris as
he arrives.

CHRIS
Thank you again for having us.

WALTER RIBBON
That’s my pleasure, Chris.

CHRIS
Mr. Ribbon, I’d love the chance to
introduce you to what Dean Witter
could do for your company. I’d be
pleased to come meet you whenever
you have the chance. We can beat
your arrangement with Morgan
Stanley.
86.



WALTER RIBBON
Chris, I didn’t have a notion you
were a first year over there. I
like you. But there’s not a chance
I’d let you direct our fund. That’s
not going to happen, buddy. Come
on. Relax. Enjoy the game.

Walter has patted Chris on the shoulder kindly and walked
off. Chris remains behind.

EXT. PARKING LOT, CANDELSTICK PARK - LATER

The Ribbons and Gardners part company with other Bell Western
corporate employees in a parking lot of Candlestick. A couple
of the younger ones exchange cards with Chris.

YOUNG EXECUTIVE
(to Chris)
Give me a call.

CHRIS
Okay.

SECOND YOUNG EXECUTIVE
(handing Chris his card)
Nice to meet you, Chris.

Chris heads off with the Ribbons. THE VIBE HERE IS PRETTY
BLUE BECAUSE CHRIS DIDN’T SCORE WITH RIBBON THE WAY HE HOPED.

EXT. WALTER RIBBON’S HOUSE, SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - LATER

Ribbon has pulled his car up to his home. The group is
splitting up - the Ribbon’s going inside and Chris and his
son walking off toward the street.

CHRIS
Thank you again.

WALTER RIBBON
My pleasure.

The Ribbons head in. Chris and Christopher walk out to the
street. Chris waits there for a moment, making sure the
Ribbons have gone into their house for sure. They have. So
Chris and Christopher start walking off down the street, back
to whatever bus stop brought them there.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - LATER (NIGHT)

A wide shot of the Gardner’s motel room gets across for the
first time what threadbare conditions they’re living in.
87.


Christopher sleeps on the side of the room on a cot. Chris
reads a financial textbook in the kitchenette. The scanner
stack of four is visible in the frame. THE IMAGE BECOMES
STILL, LIKE THE STILL IMAGES USED IN THE BEGINNING OF THE
PICTURE.

What follows is a series of these still photographs of the
same setting. In each of them, Christopher sleeps and Chris
sits in different positions around the kitchen table,
studying. BUT IN EACH PASSING PICTURE THERE IS ONE FEWER
SCANNER UNTIL NONE REMAINS.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris misses the opportunity to present his products to Walter Ribbon due to various obstacles. Later, he attends a Bell Western tailgate party with his son. While Walter Ribbon has a good time with his colleagues, Chris tries to pitch his ideas to him but gets rejected. Chris and his son later return to their motel room, and Chris studies financial textbooks while Christopher sleeps.
Strengths "The scene shows the stark contrast between Chris's struggles and Walter Ribbon's comfortable life. The use of close-ups and still photos helps to convey the emotions and thoughts of the characters."
Weaknesses "The dialogue between Chris and Walter could have been more impactful. The scene lacks a clear resolution or a sense of progress."
Critique Overall, this scene lacks clear stakes and emotional tension. There is no clear plot driving the scene, and it feels more like a series of disconnected moments without a cohesive purpose. The voiceover narration, while it does provide some insight into Chris's thoughts, feels heavy-handed and can be distracting.

Additionally, the dialogue between Chris and Walter Ribbon feels stilted and forced, and it's unclear why Chris is so fixated on trying to get Ribbon to invest with Dean Witter. The scene could benefit from clearer objectives and obstacles for the characters to overcome, as well as more dynamic and natural dialogue. Finally, the series of still photographs at the end, while effective in showing the passage of time, could benefit from some more varied visuals or camera angles to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions There are a few areas in this scene that could benefit from improvement:

1. The conversation between Walter Ribbon and Chris in the car lacks depth and doesn't drive the plot forward. Consider adding more tension or conflict between the two characters to make the audience feel more invested in their relationship.

2. The voiceover about Thomas Jefferson and happiness feels disconnected from the scene of the tailgate party. Try to find a way to tie the two together thematically or visually to make the transition smoother.

3. The scene at the corporate box could benefit from more visual description to make the setting and the characters' actions more vivid. Show us more of what's happening around the characters to give us a sense of the atmosphere and tension in the box.

4. The ending with the still photographs feels a bit abrupt and lacking in emotional impact. Consider adding a more dramatic or poignant moment to end the scene on, or find a way to tie the ending into the themes of the rest of the scene.



Scene 29 -  Financial Struggles
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 5
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 5
EXT. MOTEL OFFICE, MOTEL - DAY

On another day, after work, Chris has taken his mail from his
slot. He’s checking out something that’s got him worried.
He’s opened the letter. Christopher hangs around in the
distance.

CHRIS’S POV

The header reads IRS. The section beneath it
reads...immediate payment of full balance of $645.14. The IRS
will effect garnishment of wages from your employer....

Chris stares at the letter like it bears an unexpected,
critical difficulty.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris is back in the setting of the still photos. He’s
writing this check at the kitchen table. Christopher sleeps.
THE SCANNERS ARE ALL GONE. Chris looks up after finishing the
check. He’s grown deeply concerned.

EXT. STREET CORNER, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

On a day off, Chris has caught up with his acquaintance Wayne
outside a city grocery.

CHRIS
Do you have the fourteen dollars,
man?

WAYNE
I thought I didn’t owe you that
now.

CHRIS
Why?

WAYNE
Why what?
88.



CHRIS
Why did you think that?

WAYNE
I helped you move.

CHRIS
You drove me across Kelsey Street.
That’s five yards. Wayne. Fuck.
It’s been four months. Come on,
man.

Christopher has come out of the market and joined them. He
starts walking off with his dad.

CHRISTOPHER
Are we going to school?

CHRIS
It’s Saturday.

CHRISTOPHER
Are we selling machines?

CHRIS
There’s none left. We have to meet
someone.

INT. DINER, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris and Christopher have met one of the YOUNG EXECUTIVES
FROM BELL WESTERN and his young daughter for lunch. Chris is
showing the young man an investment graph.

CHRIS
How much are you putting in your
pension?

YOUNG EXECUTIVE
All of it.

CHRIS
Well, here’s what it could look
like if you put a quarter in an
index.

Chris hands the guy the graph.

YOUNG EXECUTIVE
(checking his watch)
Chris, I have to run. Do you want
to finish up later this week?
89.



CHRIS
Yeah. Ben wanted to meet, too. Your
colleague?

YOUNG EXECUTIVE
Yeah. Ben March. You want to all
just get together?

CHRIS
That would be great. If there’s
anybody else at Bell Western that
would like to sit down, let me
know.

INT. REGISTER, DINER - LATER

Chris, with his son, pays at the register.

CHRIS (V.O.)
There was a month left in the
program. I was broke.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris has come outside with Christopher. They’re about to
cross the street to their residence motel. But Chris sees
something that makes him keep from going.

CHRIS’S POV

Chris can see in the open door of his motel room. The motel
manager’s in there, putting Chris’s clothes into Chris’s
suitcase.

Chris stares at him.

CHRIS
(to Christopher)
Let’s go for a walk.

After a moment, they head off another direction.

EXT. CITY PARK - LATER

Chris sits off to the side of a sand box area where
Christopher plays with some other kids. Chris seems pretty
distressed. A while goes by. Then CHRIS CATCHES SIGHT OF
SOMETHING.

He’s seen, vaguely, a couple blocks up ahead, the Filipino
walk across an intersection with his scanner.
90.



Chris looks in that direction, though the guy’s slipped from
sight.

Then Chris looks over at Christopher who he doesn’t want to
leave.

Then looks back the two blocks away where the guy’s gone off
to.

Then Chris picks Christopher up.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris runs with Christopher.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris discovers a letter from the IRS demanding immediate payment of a balance due, and struggles to find ways to make ends meet. He meets with a young executive from Bell Western to pitch his investment ideas, but is told to follow up at a later date.
Strengths "The scene highlights the challenges that Chris faces in trying to make ends meet and provide for his family. The interactions with the young executive from Bell Western help to show Chris's intelligence and business acumen."
Weaknesses "The scene jumps around quite a bit, from Chris discovering the IRS letter to meeting with the young executive to the encounter with the motel manager."
Critique The scene is well-written and effectively conveys Chris' financial troubles. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, it's not clear why Christopher is sleeping during the scene where Chris is writing the check. Including a short line of dialogue or action to explain this would help.

Secondly, the dialogue between Chris and Wayne feels a bit repetitive. It could be shortened without losing its impact.

Finally, the transition from the lunch with the young executive to Chris being broke feels a bit abrupt. It would be helpful to include a specific line of dialogue or action that shows Chris losing money or struggling financially.

Overall, the scene effectively conveys Chris' financial struggles and emphasizes his determination to provide for his son.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to tighten up the dialogue in the scene at the diner with the young executive from Bell Western. The conversation feels a bit aimless and could benefit from more clear goals for both Chris and the executive. Additionally, adding more physical action or blocking could help add visual interest to the scene and break up the long stretches of dialogue. For example, Chris could be gesturing or using the graph as a visual aid as he talks about the potential investment options. Finally, consider adding more inner thoughts or emotions for Chris to help the audience better understand his financial situation and internal struggle.



Scene 30 -  A Day of Setbacks
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. WHARF, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

The guy’s sitting on a bench at the end of the wharf. Soon,
Chris comes up to it; he sees that he can walk now because
there’s nowhere else for the guy to go.

CLOSE ON the guy, he’s got his eyes closed.

CHRIS
Hi...

Chris has walked up beside him. The guy looks at Chris for a
while.

FILIPINO GUY
(calmly)
Hey, Time Man.

CHRIS
Hey...

Chris stands there for a while with his son.

CHRIS
Where did you find it?

FILLIPINO GUY
Train platform.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(nodding at the scanner)
That’s broken, right?

FILIPINO GUY
Yeah.

CHRIS
Do you have all the pieces?
91.



FILIPINO GUY
Yeah.

As Chris looks on, the guy takes a couple stray pieces from
his coat pocket. He hands them to Chris.

CHRIS
I have to go away to fix it. Okay?

FILIPINO GUY
Okay.

He looks at Chris.

FILIPINO GUY (CONT’D)
You’ll come back?

CHRIS
Yeah...

Chris starts to go.

FILIPINO GUY
Because I want to go back to the
fifties, man. When I was thirty
three, man. That’s what I want to
do.

CHRIS
Okay.

FILIPINO GUY
When I had all my days ahead, man.

CHRIS
Okay.

FILIPINO GUY
I want to see Jimi Hendrix do that
guitar on fire.

They look at one another.

FILIPINO GUY (CONT’D)
Bring my time machine back.

Chris waves, then turns and starts to leave with his machine.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris and his son ride on the train with the scanner.
92.



INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - LATER

Chris sits in a doctor’s office waiting area, waiting for the
chance to sell the machine. Christopher sits beside him,
reading. Then the receptionist comes in from the inner-
office.

RECEPTIONIST
Chris, Dr. Telm’s not going to be
able to get back from the hospital.

Chris tries not to come off disheartened.

CHRIS
Okay...

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris and Christopher take the train elsewhere.

CHRISTOPHER
Where are we going?

CHRIS
To Dr. Strauk’s.

CHRISTOPHER
I’m tired.

CHRIS
I know...

Chris looks worried he can’t sell his machine. The train
comes to a stop. Chris picks the scanner up.

INT. DR. STRAUK’S OFFICE - LATER

Chris speaks with a doctor in his meeting room. Chris has
just tried to fire up the machine, but it’s not working.

CHRIS
It’s not...
(to himself)
Fuck...
(aloud again)
...functioning right now. There was
an issue with the light that I
tried to--

DR. STRAUK
Just see me next quarter, Chris.
I’m going to put some money into
the office.
93.



Chris nods.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

The train comes back the other way. Chris and his son ride in
it. He still has the equipment with him. Christopher’s fallen
asleep.

EXT. RESIDENCE MOTEL - LATER (EVENING)

It’s night now. Chris and Christopher walk up to their motel
door. There’s a large piece of luggage left outside. Chris
looks at it. Then Chris tries his key in the lock. It doesn’t
work. Chris stands there for a while. More time passes. Then
he lifts the luggage.

CHRIS
Come on.

CHRISTOPHER
(growing upset)
Where are we going now?

CHRIS
Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t want to go.

Christopher’s worn out. He slumps down to stay right there.

CHRIS
Come on, hon.

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t want to.

Chris lifts him up.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris tries to sell his broken scanner but meets only disappointment. He tries to fix it to no avail and drags his tired son to different doctors' offices. They end up stranded outside their motel room with a broken lock and a sleeping child.
Strengths
  • Realistic depiction of struggle and disappointment
  • Strong emotional bond between Chris and his son
Weaknesses
  • Lacks significant action or excitement
  • Some dialogue can feel repetitive
Critique This scene lacks clear stakes and conflict, making it feel aimless and unengaging. While there is a goal -- to fix the time machine -- it never feels urgent or important. The conversation between Chris and the Filipino guy lacks tension, and there is no obstacle preventing Chris from obtaining the missing pieces. Additionally, the dialogue between the two characters feels stilted and unnatural.

The subsequent scenes where Chris attempts to sell the machine also lack clear stakes and conflict. There is no palpable sense of desperation or need driving Chris to sell the machine, and the scenes feel repetitive and uninteresting.

Overall, this scene needs to establish a clearer sense of stakes and conflict, as well as more engaging and natural dialogue to keep the audience invested in the story.
Suggestions 1. Add more description to the setting to make it more atmospheric and engaging for the audience. Use sensory language to describe the sounds, smells, and sights of the wharf and the train.

2. Develop the character of the Filipino guy so that the audience can empathize with him and understand his motivations. Perhaps explore his backstory or why he wants to go back to the fifties.

3. Show more visual storytelling instead of just relying on dialogue. Use camera angles, shots, and movement to create tension and emotion.

4. Create more conflict and obstacles for Chris to overcome in his quest to sell the time machine. For example, add more characters who try to steal the machine or make it harder for Chris to sell it.

5. Use more subtext in the dialogue to convey the characters' emotions and motivations without stating them outright. What are they really thinking and feeling? Show us through their actions and reactions.



Scene 31 -  Lost and Stranded
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. APARTMENT DOORWAY, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (NIGHT)

It’s later now. Chris knocks on the door. No one answers.

CHRIS
(knocking again)
Wayne!

Chris keeps knocking. He waits for an answer. None comes.
94.



INT. CITY TRAIN STATION, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris and his son stand with Chris’s things in front of the
station signs that give commuters a choice for trains north
or south. Chris is looking at the signs.

CHRISTOPHER
Where are we going?

Chris stares up at the signs a while longer.

CHRIS
I don’t know.

Then Chris walks over and sits on a rest bench in the station
lobby. There’s no one else there. It’s dark outside. Soon,
Christopher comes over and sits beside Chris. A pretty long
time goes by.

CHRISTOPHER
That’s not a time machine.

Chris isn’t listening.

CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
That’s not a time machine.

CHRIS
What?

CHRISTOPHER
Like that guy said.

CHRIS
What guy?

CHRISTOPHER
That guy said it’s a time machine.

Chris looks at his son.

CHRIS
Yeah, it is.

CHRISTOPHER
(smiling)
No, it’s not.

CHRIS
You push that black button. Then
you use your imagination.
95.



CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

CHRIS
Are you going to do it?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah.

CHRIS
Where are we going to go?

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t know.

CHRIS
Let’s just push the button and see.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

Christopher pushes the black button.

CHRIS
Close your eyes.

Christopher does.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Open them.

He does.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Whoa...

CHRISTOPHER
What?

CHRIS
Dinosaurs.

CHRISTOPHER
(looking around)
Yeah...

Christopher begins to stand up.

CHRIS
(stopping him)
Watch out.
96.



CHRISTOPHER
What?

CHRIS
Don’t step in the fire. When you’re
a caveman, you need that fire.
There’s no electricity. It’s cold
out here.

Chris puts his hands up like he’s warming them in their fire.
Christopher does it too. Then Chris rises.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Okay. It’s late. Let’s go in our
cave.

The idea’s excited Christopher. Chris has nodded over at the
station bathroom. He begins to take their stuff over there.

Soon, he arrives at the bathroom door. Christopher’s behind
him.

CHRISTOPHER
Can we stay here all night? For
real?

Chris looks at the room.

CHRIS
Yeah...

The two of them walk into the bathroom. The door locks.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Chris and his son are stranded and homeless, spending the night in a train station bathroom due to financial struggles.
Strengths "The scene effectively portrays the reality and struggles of homelessness and financial instability, and the bond between Chris and his son."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and suspense, and there could be more tension and conflict added."
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear direction and purpose, as it shows Chris and his son using their imagination as a way of coping with their homelessness. However, the scene could benefit from more visual description and action to create a more dynamic and engaging sequence. For example, instead of simply stating that they sit on a bench and wait, the scene could show them exploring the train station or interacting with other homeless individuals. The dialogue also tends to be repetitive, with Chris and Christopher discussing the time machine and where they want to go several times without actually making a decision until the end of the scene. Tightening the dialogue and adding more subtext could help create a stronger emotional impact. Additionally, the transition from the train station to the prehistoric setting is abrupt and could be better executed with more visual description and detail.
Suggestions First, it's important to establish the stakes for Chris knocking on the door in the first scene. Why is Chris knocking on Wayne's door, and what is at risk if Wayne doesn't answer? Additionally, it could be helpful to add some visual description of the setting to create a stronger sense of atmosphere.

In the second scene, it's unclear why Chris and his son decide to use the "time machine" and where they are hoping to go. Adding some motivation for why they want to use the time machine could make the scene feel more purposeful. Additionally, the dialogue between Chris and Christopher feels a bit repetitive, so finding ways to vary the language and add more subtext could make it feel more natural. Finally, it's important to find ways to make the transition between the train station and the time machine more seamless and clear. Is there a physical object that triggers the use of the time machine, or is it an imaginary device? Clarifying this could improve the flow of the scene.



Scene 32 -  Homeless in San Francisco
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BATHROOM - LATER

Christopher’s asleep, laying on Chris. Chris is wide awake.
He’s laying with his back against the wall. SOMEONE STARTS
MAKING NOISE OUTSIDE, locking gates. Christopher starts
stirring.

CHRIS
(whispering)
Hey.

CHRISTOPHER
What?

CHRIS
Go to sleep.
97.



CHRISTOPHER
(squirming, trying to get
comfortable)
What?

CHRIS
You got to shush. Shush.

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t want to play anymore.

CHRIS
Honey, you have to be quiet. Come
on.

CHRISTOPHER
(thrashing around)
I don’t want to play, Papa.

CHRIS
Christopher, sleep.

Chris holds Christopher tighter as a means to quiet him.
Christopher becomes quiet. His eyes stay closed. Chris
remains awake; he’s laying against the wall, looking at the
door.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Come on. Sleep.

Christopher’s stopped stirring. Chris keeps looking at the
door.

INT. ELEVATOR, DEAN WITTER BUILDING - DAY

In the morning, Chris rides up the work elevator. He’s
holding his things. The doors open. JAY TWISTLE ENTERS. They
see one another.

TWISTLE
(glad to see him)
Hey.

CHRIS
(smiling back)
Hi, Jay.

Chris holds his suitcase; he’s been made uncomfortable by
Jay’s presence.

TWISTLE
How are you getting along?
98.



CHRIS
Great.

TWISTLE
You’re doing good?

CHRIS
Yes. How are you doing?

TWISTLE
I’m doing great.

Some moments pass. Then Chris gestures with his bag.

CHRIS
I’m going to Sacramento. I’m trying
to move some guys from Bell Western
over to us. We’re golfing.

TWISTLE
Awesome.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, DEAN WITTER - LATER

Chris is alone in the wide conference room; he’s been working
on the scanner.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I could sell this soon. If I could
fix it. I could take the day off
and sell this.

Chris presses the black activation button. Nothing happens.
Chris looks down at the machine.

CHRIS
Fuck...

He just stands there for a while.

INT. SAN FRANCISCO CITY SHELTER - LATER

Two female city shelter workers hold a conversation in the
lobby of a city shelter. Then an assistant enters the lobby
from outside.

ASSISTANT
(to the older shelter
worker)
Someone’s asking for you. He’s
outside.
99.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris and his son spend the night in a train station bathroom due to financial struggles. Chris struggles to make ends meet and is unsuccessful in pitching his investment ideas. He tries to sell his broken scanner but meets only disappointment. He discovers a letter from the IRS demanding immediate payment of a balance due. Chris and his son are stranded and homeless.
Strengths "The scene effectively conveys the dire circumstances that Chris and his son are facing and the emotional impact it has on them. The dialogue is realistic and the silence between father and son is powerful."
Weaknesses "The scene can feel slow at times and may not hold the attention of viewers who are not invested in the characters' plight."
Critique Overall, the scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It jumps between multiple locations without any clear connection or progression of events. The dialogue feels underdeveloped and repetitive, with characters saying the same things multiple times without adding anything new to the scene. The actions of the characters are also unclear, making it difficult for the audience to understand what is happening. The scene could benefit from more focused writing and a clearer sense of purpose and direction.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene are:

1. Add more tension and conflict: The scene lacks a sense of urgency and conflict. To make it more engaging, consider adding an element that raises the stakes for the characters. For example, the noise outside could be someone trying to break into the bathroom, or Chris could be hiding from someone who is after him.

2. Develop the characters further: The characters' motivations and desires are not clear in the scene. To make the audience care about them, consider adding more backstory or context to their situation. Additionally, show their emotional reactions to the events happening around them.

3. Use more descriptive language: The scene consists of simple, straightforward dialogue and actions. Adding more descriptive language can help paint a clearer picture of the setting and actions.

4. Clarify the relevance of the scene: It is unclear how this scene connects to the overall plot of the movie. Consider adding more context to show its relevance and build tension towards the climax.



Scene 33 -  Homeless and Desperate
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CITY SHELTER - SAME

Chris, in his professional clothing, waits outside the
shelter doors on the city sidewalk. The older CITY SHELTER
WORKER comes out to meet him.

SHELTER WORKER
Hi.

CHRIS
Hi. Can I speak to you for a
moment?

SHELTER WORKER
Sure.

They stand there for while, because Chris has difficulty
getting to it.

SHELTER WORKER (CONT’D)
Do you want to make a donation?

CHRIS
I actually want to...

Chris doesn’t finish right off. He waits there a long time.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I want a room.

He’s holding the scanner.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Until I can fix and sell this.
There’s some glass work that--

SHELTER WORKER
Yeah, listen. Yeah. We don’t need
reasons.

CHRIS
(feeling like he must
explain)
It got caught in the train.

SHELTER WORKER
Yeah.

CHRIS
I have a son. He’s five. We need to
stay.

She’s become quiet.
100.



SHELTER WORKER
(with sympathy)
Listen. No kids. We don’t have
liability. We can’t take children.

Chris listens.

SHELTER WORKER (CONT’D)
Go to Almont Church. Their building
books up at five. It’s first come.
There’s a line. Polk and Denning.

Chris nods his thanks then takes off running again.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris has retrieved Christopher from daycare. They ride the
train.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris tries to get a room for himself and his son at a shelter, but is turned away because they don't take children. He's directed to a church where they can stay, but there will be a line. Chris and his son ride the train together.
Strengths "The scene effectively portrays the desperation of the situation and the lengths Chris must go to to provide for his son. The shelter worker's dialogue is realistic and poignant."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more visual cues to heighten the emotion and impact of the situation. Chris's dialogue could be stronger."
Critique Overall, the scene is well written and effective in conveying the protagonist's situation and dilemma. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. The scene could benefit from more specific and evocative descriptions to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting. For instance, what does the shelter look like? What time of day is it? What is the weather like? These details could help enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

2. The dialogue could be tightened and made more concise, particularly in the beginning when Chris struggles to express himself. Some of the back-and-forth between Chris and the Shelter Worker could be cut to keep the scene moving.

3. The transition between the Shelter Worker scene and the train scene feels abrupt and could be smoothed out with a transition shot or more graceful pacing.

4. There is potential for more visual storytelling in this scene. For instance, showing Chris physically struggling to articulate his request could help convey his desperation more vividly. Similarly, showing him and Christopher on the train and evoking the sensory details of the ride (the sounds, smells, etc.) could help create a stronger sense of the world they inhabit.
Suggestions 1. Make the conflict and stakes clearer: The scene needs to establish the conflict and stakes sooner. It would be helpful to see Chris get frustrated earlier in the scene or have the Shelter Worker be more dismissive of him.

2. Add more urgency to the scene: Instead of Chris waiting a long time to articulate his request, he could become increasingly flustered or desperate. Perhaps he is in a rush or worried about where he and his son will sleep that night.

3. Cut unnecessary dialogue: Some of Chris’s lines are repetitive or don’t add to the scene. For example, it’s not necessary for him to explain the reason his scanner is broken. Consider trimming down the dialogue to only what is essential to the conflict and establishing the stakes.

4. Show more emotion: The Shelter Worker’s sympathy feels a bit flat. Adding more emotional weight, especially during the Shelter Worker’s rejection of taking children, will help highlight the stakes of the scene.

5. Consider changing the location: The scene takes place outside the shelter and then jumps to Chris and his son on the train. There could be more visual interest by moving the scene inside the shelter or showing Chris and Christopher struggling to find a place to stay on the streets before taking the train.



Scene 34 -  Struggling for Shelter
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. SHELTER, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Outside the three-story church shelter building, a rougher-
looking building, street people of different ages, mostly
men, have formed a line onto the sidewalk. Chris waits with
Christopher toward the front of the line. The guy in front of
Chris talks with a A LARGE GUY who’s come up to him. THE
LARGE GUY’S NOT IN LINE; he’s just standing around in the
area in front of Chris. Soon, a PASTOR comes out from the
doorway.

PASTOR
(to the line of men)
Four left. There’s four more.

Chris sees he’s fourth in line. He seems relieved until the
LARGE GUY SIDESTEPS IN FRONT OF HIM LIKE HE WAS NATURALLY
THERE. Chris stares at him for a while. He’s waiting, maybe
for the guy to leave, maybe for the guy to realize his
mistake. But the guy doesn’t leave.

CHRIS
Hey, man.

The guy doesn’t do anything.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Hey, come on.

LARGE GUY
Come on what?
101.



CHRIS
Come on, man. Just fucking... You
cut.

LARGE GUY
Back up.

This guy elbows Chris back.

CHRIS
You cut.

Then he shoves Chris.

LARGE GUY
Back the fuck up.

Chris has been startled by the violence he’s using.
Christopher looks on; he’s scared. Chris seems scared, too.
But he shoves the guy. Then Chris holds him around the head,
bends him and takes him to the ground. They start fighting
down there while the line scatters then starts cheering them
on.

PASTOR
Out of the line!

THE PASTOR HAS COME OUT FROM THE SHELTER. He yanks Chris off
the larger man.

PASTOR (CONT’D)
Both of you. Out of the line.

They’re on their feet now, but neither of them moves.

PASTOR (CONT’D)
Get out!

HOMELESS MAN
He sliced in front of him.

A guy farther back in line has spoken up.

HOMELESS MAN (CONT’D)
(to the pastor)
He sliced in front of him in line.

PASTOR
Who did?

The homeless guy doesn’t want to say it out loud. He nods at
the larger man.
102.



CHRIS
(to the Pastor)
I got here first.

Chris is catching his breath.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I was here first.

The Pastor looks at Chris. Then he looks at Christopher.
Chris looks at the Pastor with the clearest communication of
desperation he’s shown yet.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I came from my job. We got here. We
got in line. This guy just came up.
He shoved in front. I went and got
my son and we got here. We were
here on time. Someone told me we
had to be here on time. We were on
time.

The Pastor stares at him for a while.

PASTOR
All right.
(to the large man)
Get out of line, Rodney.

The large man shuffles off. Chris takes his place in the line
again. Chris tries to calm himself. Christopher’s holding
onto his arm now because he’s freaked out. Then Chris notices
his dress shirt’s ripped.

CHRIS
(quietly)
Fuck...
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris and his son are homeless and stay in a train station bathroom. They try to get a room at a shelter, but Chris is shoved and instigates a fight in line. The pastor separates them and allows Chris to stay.
Strengths "The scene highlights the emotional toll of being homeless and the desperation it can cause. It also emphasizes the importance of standing up for oneself and one's child."
Weaknesses "The violence in the scene may be too much for some viewers. Additionally, the dialogue could be improved to better convey the characters' emotions."
Critique Firstly, the scene lacks clear and concise formatting, making it difficult for the reader to follow along with the action. The writer could benefit from using standard industry formatting to make it easier for the reader to read and follow the scene.

The scene has strong conflict, which is great for drama and tension-building. However, it lacks clear character motivations, making it difficult for the audience to understand why the characters are behaving the way they are. Additionally, the dialogue could benefit from being more concise and impactful, using fewer words to convey more meaning.

Overall, the scene has potential, but it could benefit from clearer character motivations, more concise and impactful dialogue, and proper formatting.
Suggestions 1. Show, don't tell: Instead of telling the audience that the shelter is a rougher-looking building, show the wear and tear on the building or the people waiting in line.

2. Develop characters: The large guy who cuts in line seems to come out of nowhere. Try to develop him or give him a brief backstory to explain why he behaves the way he does.

3. Tension buildup: The confrontation between Chris and the large guy seems to escalate too quickly. Try to build up the tension between them gradually before they start fighting.

4. Show the impact on Christopher: While Christopher is mentioned throughout the scene, his reactions are not fully explored. Show how he is affected by the violence and the tension between Chris and the large guy.

5. Show the aftermath: After the fight ends and Chris gets back in line, show the reactions of the other people waiting in line. Do they ignore what just happened, or do they watch Chris with suspicion or fear?



Scene 35 -  Night in the Shelter
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. SHELTER ROOM - LATER

The room is small and real basic. There’s a wood desk and a
bed. It’s dark. Chris lights a candle.

CHRISTOPHER
Why don’t we have lights?

CHRIS
It’s two dollars for electricity.
We need breakfast tomorrow. Come
on. Let’s get washed.

They’ve come into the small bathroom. Christopher’s taken off
his shirt. Chris runs water from the sink over a cloth.
103.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
Can you stand up here?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah...

Chris picks his son up. He stands him on the low counter
beside the sink. He begins to wash him with the cloth. Time
passes.

CHRIS
What’s your favorite color? I was
wondering about that.

CHRISTOPHER
Green.

CHRIS
What do you like that’s green?

CHRISTOPHER
Trees.

CHRIS
Anything else?

CHRISTOPHER
Holly.

CHRIS
The Christmas stuff?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah...

CHRIS
That’s good.

Chris washes Christopher with the rag; he’s feeling some pain
in that hand.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(to himself, quietly)
Damn, man...

CHRISTOPHER
What?

CHRIS
(quietly)
I think I broke my other thumb.
104.



Chris doesn’t say anything else. He keeps washing Christopher
up.

INT. SHELTER ROOM - LATER

Christopher lays in the bed. Chris sits on the edge, putting
him to bed.

CHRIS
I have to go sit in the hall and
fix this, okay?

Chris has nodded at the busted scanner that rests nearby.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I’ll be right out there. I’ll leave
the door open a little.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

Chris rises. He heads for the lighted common hallway. He
turns back because he wants to reassure Christopher.

CHRIS
I’m just going to be right out
here.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay. I trust you.

Chris looks at his son; he smiles, waves, then takes the
scanner out to the hallway.

EXT. HALLWAY, SHELTER - LATER

Chris sits on the hallway floor near the open door of his
room. He’s using the hallway light to help him repair his
scanner. He’s becoming frustrated by a part that won’t
function as a BOARDER IN AN OLD ARMY JACKET walks by.

CHRIS
(to the scanner)
You fucking piece of shit.

GUY
What did you call me?

CHRIS
Not you. This.

Chris has his hands on the scanner. The guy looks at Chris
for a while. Then he walks off.
105.


Chris tries to rig the thing another way. It fails as well.
Then he gets up. He goes into his room. He’s gone for a
moment, then he comes out to the hallway again with one of
his financial textbooks. He’s taken a seat beside the
scanner. He starts to do his work out there. Then the lights
go dead.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
Lights out.

INT. CHRIS’S SHELTER ROOM - LATER

It’s pretty dark in their room. Chris sits near the window,
trying to read his book by the streetlight coming in. He
stops. He stares at the room. Before long, he starts to break
up. He seems to be losing it like he lost it in the apartment-
painting scene, but this time he can’t make any noise. His
feelings this time just take the form of silent, anguished
crying. Then Christopher, who’s apparently awake in bed
across the room, asks him something.

CHRISTOPHER
How are you going to tie your tie?

CHRIS
(didn’t catch all of it)
What?

CHRISTOPHER
How are you going to tie your tie?
With your hands hurt?

CHRIS
I’ll get it done.

CHRISTOPHER
No way.

CHRIS
I’ll get it done. Go to sleep.

CHRISTOPHER
No way. That’s why animals can’t
make tools. Because of no thumbs.

CHRIS
Go to sleep. The sooner you get to
sleep, the shorter the night’ll be.

Christopher doesn’t say anything else. Chris leans against
the wall by the window. He’s exhausted. After a while, he
looks back at his book.
106.



INT. SHELTER ROOM - MORNING

In the morning, Chris sits on the bed, nearly dressed for
work. Christopher’s with him, helping him get his tie tied
properly.

CHRIS
Is it through the middle?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah...
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris and his son spend the night in a shelter room after being turned away from a shelter that doesn't take children. They struggle to get washed in the small bathroom and discuss Christopher's favourite colour. Chris tries to fix his broken scanner and struggles with his broken thumb. The lights go out, leaving them in the dark. Chris breaks down silently while Christopher asks him how he will tie his tie with his injured hands. In the morning, they work together to get Chris ready for work.
Strengths "The scene showcases the strong bond and love between Chris and his son. The emotional impact of the scene is high and the characters are well-developed."
Weaknesses "The scene might seem slow-paced to some viewers and lacks a lot of action or external conflict."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively conveys the struggles of the characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for better clarity and pacing.

First, the scene begins with a description of the room that feels somewhat unnecessary. Instead, it would be more engaging and efficient to start with the action of Chris lighting a candle and getting washed with Christopher.

Second, there could be more action and visual elements to break up the dialogue, as the scene is mostly comprised of Chris and Christopher talking while Chris washes his son. This could make the scene feel less static and more engaging.

Third, there is a line where Chris quietly says "Damn, man..." to himself, but it's not clear what he's referring to until later when he mentions breaking his thumb. This moment could be made clearer and have more impact by adding a physical indication that Chris is in pain, such as him wincing or holding his hand.

Lastly, while the dialogue is emotional and effective in conveying the characters' struggles and relationship, there are moments where it feels somewhat repetitive or on-the-nose, such as Christopher's comment about animals not being able to make tools due to lack of thumbs. Adding more subtlety and nuance to the dialogue could further elevate the scene.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more visual and sensory details to create a stronger sense of the environment. For example, describing the smell of the small bathroom or the sound of water running from the sink would help create a more immersive experience for the audience. Additionally, adding more physical actions or movements to the characters can make the scene more engaging. For instance, instead of just having Chris wash Christopher with a cloth, he could use his other hand to hold onto something for support or balance. This would make the scene more dynamic and visually interesting. Finally, adding some dialogue that reveals more about the characters' past or emotions would help deepen their characterization and make the audience more invested in their story. For example, Chris could ask Christopher about his dreams or aspirations, or they could share a memory from before they became homeless. This would add more depth and complexity to the scene and the overall story.



Scene 36 -  Struggles and Stress
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. RADIO SHACK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

At the register, Chris is showing the clerk a mini light bulb
and transmitter.

CHRIS
One of these.

CLERK
Six weeks.

CHRIS
(upset about that delay)
For a K transmitter? And a bulb?

Christopher’s looking at a video game shelf.

CLERK (CONT’D)
Yeah. Those are English. Six weeks.

CHRIS
(upset at the delay)
Do you have a Thompson wire?

CLERK
That won’t work.

CHRIS
Yeah, it will. We used them in the
Navy to send the same electrical
weight. Let me try it.

The guy enters the number.

CLERK (CONT’D)
Three weeks.

Chris takes the news in.
107.



EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris walks with Christopher. He’s dressed for work, but he’s
carrying his suitcase; Christopher has a bookbag.

CHRIS (V.O.)
You weren’t able to leave your
belongings behind.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris approaches the lobby of Dean Witter for work; he’s
still got his luggage. He encounters another young Bell
Western executive PAUL going in.

CHRIS
Hi, Paul.

PAUL
(greeting him)
What’s happening, Chris?

Paul takes notice of the stuff Chris holds.

PAUL
(meaning what’s he got
that stuff for)
What’s up?

CHRIS
Work trip.

They enter the building.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, DEAN WITTER - LATER

Chris and Paul sit together at the conference table.

CHRIS
Your wife works at Bell Western,
too, right?

PAUL
Yeah.

CHRIS
Well, then you should use the
pension. Because you’re paying
taxes twice.

PAUL
For real?
108.



CHRIS
Yeah... because you’re using your
taxable income...

CHRIS (V.O.)
I was able to finish this stuff
pretty quickly.

Chris has placed income amounts in different sections on his
paperwork.

CHRIS (V.O.)
The math. I had to finish quickly.
To get to the Altmont rooms by
five.

Chris looks up at a wall clock that reads 4:30.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris sprints away from the skyscraper.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides the train.

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - LATER

Chris rides the bus.

INT. CITY TRAIN - MOVING

Chris is on another el, tapping the window glass from
adrenaline.

EXT. KING STREET - LATER

Chris and Christopher hustle with their things up San
Francisco’s King Street, toward a bus stop.

EXT. BUS BENCH, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

They sit on a sidewalk bench waiting for the bus. There’s a
wide public clock behind them. It reads 4:50. Chris taps his
foot like he’s frantic. There’re others waiting. The bus
comes. Chris rises quickly.

CHRIS
Let’s go.

Christopher’s preoccupied by a kid’s book he’s reading.
109.



CHRIS (CONT’D)
Let’s go!

CHRISTOPHER
I want to read this.

CHRIS
On the bus.

CHRISTOPHER
Just this part.

CHRIS
Goddamnit. Get up! Come on!

It’s hurting Chris to talk to his son this way. When
Christopher catches up to him, they find the bus so full
there’s not room for all the commuters waiting on the
sidewalk. Chris is shoulder to shoulder with an older lady.
He jockeys his arm past her to get a front position. A young
guy in a suit’s watching.

GUY
Why don’t you let the lady on?

Chris doesn’t respond.

GUY (CONT’D)
Man, that’s not cool.

Chris tries to ignore the guy.

GUY (CONT’D)
That’s not cool. Let the--

CHRIS
Why don’t you get the fuck away
from me!

The guy’s been startled.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Get the fuck away from me. Right
now.

Chris gets Christopher up into the bus; he follows him on.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris struggles to make ends meet and provide for his son while trying to sell his broken scanner and dealing with financial troubles and homelessness. He manages to make it to work but is clearly overwhelmed by stress.
Strengths "The scene effectively portrays the struggles and stress of a father trying to provide for his son despite financial and personal obstacles. The emotional impact is particularly strong."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be improved in some areas to better convey the characters' emotions and inner thoughts."
Critique The scene is well-written in terms of dialogue and action, but there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. Lack of clear objective: The scene is not entirely clear as to what Chris's objective is. At the beginning, he is trying to purchase a transmitter and light bulb, but then the scene shifts to him heading to work with his luggage, then doing paperwork, and finally trying to catch a bus. It would be helpful to have a more clear through-line for what Chris is trying to achieve in this scene.

2. Tension/Conflict: While there is some mild tension between Chris and the clerk at the Radio Shack, and later between Chris and the young guy on the bus, there isn't a clear enough conflict driving the scene forward. What is at stake for Chris? What does he want, and what is standing in his way?

3. Character development: While there is some hint of character development in Chris's frustration with the delays at the store and his angry outburst on the bus, there isn't quite enough to make us feel like we know Chris as a character yet. It would be helpful to see more of his personality, desires, and flaws in the scene to make him a more well-rounded character.

Overall, the scene is well-written in terms of flow, dialogue, and action, but could benefit from a clearer objective, more tension, and more character development.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more specific details and visuals to make the scene more engaging for the audience. For example, describe the look and feel of the Radio Shack, the expressions and mannerisms of the clerk, and the crowded bus.

2. Develop the emotional tension between Chris and Christopher. Show how Chris is struggling to balance his work responsibilities with his role as a father, and how this tension affects his interactions with his son.

3. Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue to make the scene more concise and impactful. Focus on the most important lines of dialogue that move the story forward and reveal character.

4. Think about adding more stakes to the scene. What are the consequences if Chris doesn't make it to the Altmont rooms by five? How important is it for him to get there?

5. Finally, consider the pacing of the scene. Is it moving too slowly or too quickly? Does it build to a satisfying climax? Make sure the scene is paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.



Scene 37 -  Shelter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Outside of the Almont church shelter building, Chris and
Christopher, in the front of the line, get accepted inside
for an open room.
110.



EXT. CHURCH SHELTER, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

It’s evening now. Chris and his son sit under a streetlight
on the stoop of the shelter building. Chris reads his
textbook. Up the street, prostitutes stand on the corner.
Chris looks at Christopher for a while. The boy seems real
calm and more or less contented. Chris keeps looking at him.

CHRIS
You’re a good boy.

Christopher looks over at him.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
You’re a wonder. You know?

Christopher smiles.

CHRISTOPHER
Can I look at that fire truck?

CHRIS
Yeah.

Christopher heads off down the sidewalk where some firemen
repair a hydrant. Their truck’s parked there.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Just don’t bother them.

Chris watches him go. Then Chris looks back at his book for a
while.

PROSTITUTE
Get your kid some dinner.

Chris turns and sees a PROSTITUTE has come up to him. She’s
holding out a five dollar bill.

CHRIS
(declining)
That’s okay. They have dinner here.

PROSTITUTE
Get him dessert.

CHRIS
That’s fine.

PROSTITUTE
Do you think this is dirty money?
111.



CHRIS
(smiling)
I don’t think there’s any such
thing. I just don’t want him to see
me taking money. He thinks I know
what I’m doing.

She puts the bill away. Chris checks on Christopher.
Christopher looks over at them from down the sidewalk. He
makes eye contact with his dad. Then he waves hello with his
good nature like he was waving from a carousel.

INT. MESS HALL, SHELTER - LATER

The room is full of cafeteria tables. Forty or so men eat in
scattered positions around the room. Chris sits at a table
with his son. They don’t talk for a while.

CHRISTOPHER
Who called you Ten Gallon Head?

CHRIS
What?

CHRISTOPHER
You said they called you that. Who
called you that?

CHRIS
My aunts. Some teachers.

CHRISTOPHER
Because you like to read?

CHRIS
Yeah. And do puzzles. Math.

CHRISTOPHER
What did you read?

CHRIS
I read about people’s lives.
Biographies. You know what those
are?

CHRISTOPHER
Books about people’s lives?

Chris nods.

CHRIS
I liked to read about interesting
lives. Cool lives.
112.



CHRISTOPHER
Like whose lives?

CHRIS
Miles Davis. I don’t know. Thomas
Jefferson. Christopher Columbus.

CHRISTOPHER
Who’s Thomas Jefferson?

CHRIS
President. Architect. Musician. He
wrote the Declaration of
Independence.

CHRISTOPHER
What’s that about?

CHRIS
It’s about... I don’t know. It’s
about people trying to be free, so
they can try to be happy.

CHRISTOPHER
What instrument did he play?

CHRIS
The violin. I think. Or the cello
or something. I don’t really
remember.

Chris looks at Christopher as he returns to his meal.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, DEAN WITTER - DAY

The twenty interns sit around the table in the largest Witter
conference room. They’re taking a timed exam. A proctor sits
up front. Soon, a MALE INTERN stands up and heads for the
proctor to turn in his test. Some others look up - they’re
struggling and are pissed the assured male intern has
finished already. But as this male intern walks to the door,
Chris stands up; he’s finished as well. The male intern looks
at Chris.

INT. ELEVATOR, DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

The two ride the elevator down together. Some time passes.
THE FIRST PARTNER FROM CHRIS’S FIRST INTERVIEW RIDES BEHIND
THEM.
113.



INTERN
(to Chris)
Did you finish the whole thing, or
did you have to go somewhere, or..?

CHRIS
I have to go somewhere.

The guy nods. He seems relieved to resume believing he
finished earlier than the others.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
But I finished the whole thing,
too.

INTERN
(a little bummed)
Oh. Good.

CHRIS
Yeah. You?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris and Christopher stay at a church shelter, eat dinner, and discuss Chris's interest in reading biographies.
Strengths "Addresses themes of sacrifice and parental love."
Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of overt conflict may make the scene less engaging to some viewers."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written, with clear dialogue and visually descriptive settings. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

- The introduction of the prostitutes feels forced and unnecessary. It doesn't add much to the overall plot and detracts from the focus on Chris and his son's relationship.
- The conversation between Chris and the prostitute feels awkward and unrealistic. It doesn't feel like a natural exchange and takes away from the tender moment between Chris and his son.
- The transition between the shelter scene and the internship scene feels jarring. It's not clear how much time has passed or how Chris and his son have gotten from the shelter to the Dean Witter building. A smoother transition could help with the flow of the scene.

Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening up and more consistent focus on the main characters' relationship and journey.
Suggestions 1. Add more visual details: Provide more visual details to make the scene more vivid and engaging for the reader. For example, describe the street in San Francisco - the sounds, smells, sights, etc. This will help to create a more immersive experience for the audience.

2. Create more tension: The scene currently lacks tension and conflict. Consider adding a conflict to make the scene more interesting. For example, what if the shelter is full and Chris and Christopher can't get in? Or what if the prostitute is more aggressive and insists on giving Chris money?

3. Develop the characters: The characters in this scene are not well-developed. Consider adding more backstory to Chris and Christopher to help the audience understand who they are, where they have come from, and where they are going. Additionally, adding more depth to the prostitute’s character by establishing her motivations and desires could create a more complex and dynamic scene.

4. Add subtext: Consider adding subtext to make the scene more interesting. For example, what if Christopher is not as calm and content as he seems, and Chris is struggling to keep up a façade of being in control, to protect his son from worrying about their situation? Or perhaps the prostitute is trying to make amends for something she feels guilty about by giving Chris money?

5. Clarify the purpose of the scene: The purpose of this scene is not clear. Ensure that the goals of the scene are clear and that it progresses the overall plot of the story. It should not feel like a filler scene or a dead end for the story.



Scene 38 -  Homeless and Hungry
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INTERN
Yeah.

CHRIS
What did you think of the graphs?

INTERN
Easy.

Chris nods.

CHRIS
What about the essay question?

There is a long pause.

INTERN
Essay question?

CHRIS
On the back. Yeah.

Some more time passes.

INTERN
Shit.

The guy hits the button for the next floor. When the doors
open, he gets off quickly. Chris remains behind; he’s
laughing.
114.


But he’s also conveying the same vibe the guy was just giving
off - satisfaction he found the test easier than his
colleagues. He makes eye contact with the first partner; the
partner’s looking back like he found the episode telling and
funny as well.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris and the First Partner are outside at the curb, Chris
waiting to cross, the partner hailing a cab. A BUSINESSMAN
passing sees Chris.

BUSINESSMAN
Chris.

Chris faces the guy.

CHRIS
(recognizing him)
Jeff, right? The Giants game?

BUSINESSMAN
Yeah. You were going to call.

CHRIS
I never got your number.

BUSINESSMAN
Okay, man. Here.

The guy takes a business card out.

BUSINESSMAN (CONT’D)
Call me.

While the two have been talking the First Partner’s been
searching his pockets for something. Chris has his wallet out
to put the guy’s card away.

FIRST PARTNER
Fuck. Chris, hey, do you have five
bucks?

Chris stands there for a moment.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
My wallet’s upstairs.

CHRIS
(trying to keep his money)
Do you want me to get it?
115.



FIRST PARTNER
No, I have to get to Cal Bank. At
five.

CHRIS
Yeah... um...

FIRST PARTNER
(kidding)
I’m good for it.

CHRIS
(smiling along)
I know...

Chris takes a five dollar bill from his wallet, leaving a
couple dollars left. He hands it to the First Partner. Then
the First Partner takes off for his cab. Chris stands there,
watching him go off with money Chris needed.

INT. ALMONT CHURCH SHELTER - LATER

Christopher and Chris have been admitted into the shelter
foyer, into a shorter line to sign in and pay. They’re one
guy back from paying. A CHURCH-WORKER CLERK’s explaining the
billing to the guy; Chris stands behind him listening.

CHURCH WORKER
Two dollars to stay. Two to eat.
Two covers electricity.

Chris is holding the two dollars he’s left with. He waits
there for a while, then he looks at Christopher.

CHRIS
Are you hungry?

Christopher nods.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Did you eat at school?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah?

CHRIS
The second session?

CHRISTOPHER
(not following him)
What?
116.



CHRIS
In the afternoon?

Christopher shakes his head. Chris looks at him. Time goes
by.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Okay. Come on.

Chris leads Christopher out of the line. They head out the
shelter doorway for the sidewalk.

INT. PIZZA SHOP, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Later, at night, Chris and Christopher sit at the window
counter. Christopher’s eating a piece of pizza. Chris
studies.

EXT. TRAIN STATION, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

While Christopher waits, Chris pays the city station
attendant with the dollar.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Later at night, Chris and his son are among a few other folks
on the train. Christopher’s coloring. Chris studies his
books.

INT. CITY TRAIN, MOVING - LATER

Later, Chris and his son are the only ones in the car. It’s
moving back the other direction. Christopher’s sleeping.
Chris is awake. He’s looking out the window again, much like
he was in the picture’s early scenes.

EXT. BLOOD CENTERS OF THE PACIFIC, SHOP OFFICE - DAY

The next day, Chris leaves a strip mall shop door over which
a banner reads Blood Center of the Pacific.
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of life"]

Summary Chris and his son struggle to make ends meet and find a place to stay after being turned away from shelters. Chris's financial troubles and stress build, but he tries to keep it together for Christopher. They stay at a church shelter, eat dinner, and discuss Chris's interest in reading biographies. The scene ends with Chris leaving a strip mall shop door.
Strengths "Realistic portrayal of the struggles of homelessness and poverty, touching scenes between Chris and Christopher, theme of resilience and hope"
Weaknesses "Some parts of dialogue could be improved"
Critique This scene feels incomplete and lacks a clear purpose in the story. It mostly consists of short and simple dialogue exchanges without any real development or tension. The conversation between Chris and the intern doesn't add much to the plot or character development. The interaction with the businessman and the first partner feels forced and doesn't add anything new to the story. The only significant moment in this scene is when Chris hands over money to the first partner, which could have been portrayed in a more emotionally charged and impactful way. However, the following scene where Chris takes his son to the shelter and helps him get food and shelter shows the character's compassion and struggle, but it comes too late in the scene without proper setup. Overall, this scene needs more focus and purpose in the story's larger context.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene lacks clear purpose or conflict, creating a sense of aimlessness. The dialogue is also very brief and lacks depth, so the audience cannot connect with the characters.

To improve this scene, the writer needs to give it a clear purpose and establish conflict to keep the audience interested. For example, Chris could be struggling to balance studying for an exam and taking care of his son, and this struggle could create tension. Also, the dialogue needs to feel natural and reveal more about the characters.

Additionally, the scene needs to have more sensory details and show the surroundings more vividly, which would help immerse the audience in the characters' experiences. Finally, the scene would benefit from better transitions and clearer connections between the events taking place.



Scene 39 -  Repair and Reflection
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

Chris meets with two professional women at a cafe table on
the sidewalk. Christopher sits at the next table, coloring.

CHRIS
(to one of the women)
How long have you been at Bell
Western?

FIRST PROFESSIONAL WOMEN
Eight years.
117.



CHRIS
Good. Then you can start splitting
into an IRA for stocks.

FIRST PROFESSIONAL WOMEN
I can do that already?

CHRIS
You could have done it last year.

FIRST PROFESSIONAL WOMEN
Great...

The second woman folds her paperwork up.

SECOND PROFESSIONAL WOMAN
Are we all set?

CHRIS
Yes.

FIRST PROFESSIONAL WOMEN
Thanks, Chris.

CHRIS
Thank you, Ann.

They’ve all stood to leave one another.

SECOND PROFESSIONAL WOMAN
Have fun on your trip.

Chris has picked up his suitcase he’s had with him. He waves
goodbye to the departing pair of women. Christopher’s with
him now.

CHRISTOPHER
What trip?

Chris stands around there with his suitcase for a moment.

CHRIS
Our trip uptown to Radio Shack.

INT. RADIO SHACK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

The clerk faces the camera, holding a small electrical part
and bulb out to it.

CLERK
Here’s your Thompson wire.

Chris is facing the guy. He takes it.
118.



INT. TRAIN CAR, MOVING - LATER

Chris and Christopher ride in the train together, among a lot
of other working people going home. Chris holds the piece
from Radio Shack.

CHRISTOPHER
What’s that?

CHRIS
To repair the light.

CHRISTOPHER
Can I see it?

CHRIS
Yeah.

Chris hands the bulb to Christopher.

CHRIS
(calmly, smiling)
Don’t drop it.

Christopher takes the piece.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
Unless you want to keep living in
the same room with me.

CHRISTOPHER
I don’t mind.

Chris smiles.

CHRIS
You will.

Christopher examines the electrical bulb. Chris looks over at
him. Then Christopher looks at him again.

CHRISTOPHER
Why am I going to want my own room?

CHRIS
What’s that?

CHRISTOPHER
You said I was going to want my own
room.

CHRIS
Yeah.
119.



CHRISTOPHER
Why?

CHRIS
Space. For privacy. Peace.

Some time goes by.

CHRISTOPHER
Where are you going to be?

Chris looks over at Christopher and smiles.

CHRIS
Next door.

CHRISTOPHER
What am I going to do in there?

CHRIS
Whatever you want. Whatever makes
you happy. Nap. Read. Dream.

Christopher looks back at the bulb. Chris keeps looking at
him.

EXT. STREET, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

They’ve walked to the shelter district.

INT. SHELTER ROOM - LATER (NIGHT)

Christopher’s in the one bed. Chris sits on the edge, saying
goodnight; it’s dark.

CHRIS
I’ll see you in the morning.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

CHRIS
You’re warm enough?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah...

Chris tucks him in.

CHRISTOPHER (CONT’D)
You’re a good papa.
120.



After a while of looking at his son, Chris smiles. Then Chris
finishes squaring Christopher away. Then Chris takes the
object he bought at Radio Shack and walks toward the scanner
left against the wall.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris meets with some professional women to help them with their finances, then takes his son uptown to Radio Shack to buy a part for a broken light. They discuss the future, find their way to a shelter, and settle into bed for the night.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue between characters
  • Subtle character development through actions and dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear external conflict
Critique Overall, this scene is effective at showcasing the relationship between Chris and his son, Christopher. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Chris and the professional women feels a bit stilted and unnatural. It could benefit from more natural-sounding language and a clearer reason for why this scene is included in the story.

Secondly, the transition between the scene at the sidewalk cafe and the scene at Radio Shack feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer reason for why Chris needs the electrical piece.

Finally, the dialogue between Chris and Christopher at the end of the scene is well-written and effectively conveys their relationship, but it could benefit from a more explicit exposition of the setting and their emotional states. Providing more detail about their physical surroundings and their emotions would enhance the scene.

Overall, this scene effectively conveys the relationship between Chris and Christopher, but with some improvements to the dialogue and transitions, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions 1. Define the purpose of the scene more clearly. What is the objective of Chris meeting with the two professional women? Is it to establish his financial expertise or to further the plot in some way? The scene could benefit from a clearer purpose.

2. Add more conflict. The scene feels very flat. Perhaps the women are initially resistant to Chris's suggestions, or they have some skepticism about his knowledge. Adding a bit of conflict can help increase tension in the scene.

3. Cut down on extraneous details. The scene spends a lot of time on Chris buying an electrical part and riding on a train with his son. While these details may be important for character development, they detract from the main action of the scene.

4. Consider the balance of dialogue. Currently, Chris does most of the talking in the scene. Consider giving the professional women more lines, or adding some interaction between Christopher and the women to break up the monotony of Chris speaking for most of the scene.

5. Enhance the emotional payoff. The scene ends with a sweet moment between Chris and his son, but it could benefit from more buildup throughout. Consider establishing their relationship more clearly earlier on in the scene and building to this emotional moment at the end.



Scene 40 -  Happiness
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CHRIS’S SHELTER ROOM - LATER (NIGHT)

In their dark room, as Christopher sleeps, Chris sits by the
window, trying to fix the scanner by the light from the
window. It’s really dark. We can hear Chris clicking things
into place. He’s done. He looks at the machine. He gets ready
to press the button to test it. A long time goes by.

CHRIS (V.O.)
This part of my life... This part
is called...

Chris pushes the button. The machine makes an activation
sound, then his room get lighted all the way up by the bright
blue light the scanner emits.

CHRIS (V.O.)
...happiness.

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

Chris sits on the perimeter wall of a fountain in the public
square. He’s dressed for his Dean Witter work. The Bell
Western building is beside the square. Chris holds an
informal meeting with A YOUNG BELL EXECUTIVE AND A COUPLE OF
HIS COLLEAGUES.

EXT. DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris leaves Dean Witter later. He’s carrying his scanner.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, MEETING ROOM - LATER

Chris sits across from a DOCTOR. The scanner rests on the
table between them.

DOCTOR
Plug it in.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Four hundred and eighteen dollars.

EXT. CHECK CASH STORE - LATER

Chris and Christopher wait in line for the cash.
121.



CHRIS (V.O.)
That was going to get me through
the program. All the way to the
end, and then some.

EXT. BUS BENCH, SIDEWALK, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (EVENING)

Later, Chris and Christopher sit on a bus bench in a San
Francisco neighborhood; they have their belongings with them.
Chris is feeling a measure of relief he hasn’t shown before.

CHRISTOPHER
Are we going to the church place?

CHRIS
No...

CHRISTOPHER
Where are we going?

Chris thinks about it.

CHRIS
Let’s go to a hotel.

CHRISTOPHER
Can we go back to the cave?

Chris sits there.

CHRIS
No...

CHRISTOPHER
Ever?

CHRIS
I don’t think so.

CHRISTOPHER
Why?

CHRIS
Because some things are fun the
first time you do them. Then not so
much the next time.

CHRISTOPHER
Like the bus?

CHRIS
Yeah...
122.



They sit there for a while. The bus comes.

INT. CITY BUS, MOVING - LATER (EVENING)

It’s become dark. The bus is crowded, so Chris and his son
are seated close together near a lot of others standing in
the aisle; Chris is looking out the window at the city going
by.

EXT. HOLIDAY INN HOTEL, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (NIGHT)

Chris and Christopher have gone up a step to the lobby
entrance of the Holiday Inn San Francisco.

INT. HOTEL ROOM, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER (NIGHT)

The room’s an average hotel room. A sofa’s right in the
middle. The bed’s empty in the background. Chris and
Christopher are asleep together on the sofa.

EXT. GOLDEN GATE PARK - DAY

The next day, Chris and Christopher sit all alone together in
a really wide stretch of grass in Golden Gate Park.

CHRISTOPHER
(in the middle of a
conversation)
Can people climb Mount Everest?

CHRIS
Yeah. People have.

CHRISTOPHER
How high is it?

CHRIS
A few miles. Four miles maybe.

CHRIS (V.O.)
The next day, I took work off, and
we just went and sat in a field.

CHRISTOPHER
Where is Mt. Everest?

CHRIS
What country?

CHRISTOPHER
Yeah.
123.



CHRIS
Napal.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Far away from anything. Trumpet
kids. Guitars on fire. Ben
Cartwright. And my own constant,
ten-year-long disappointment in my
Ten Gallon Head... in my self.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Chris works hard to make ends meet and fix his broken scanner. He meets with some professionals to help them with their finances and then goes to buy a replacement part for a light with his son, Christopher. They have a conversation about Mount Everest and then settle into bed at a hotel for the night.
Strengths "This scene is poignant and touching as Chris finds a momentary state of happiness with his son despite their difficult circumstances."
Weaknesses "The scene's conflict level and emotional impact could be higher to make the story more compelling."
Critique The scene has good pacing and emotional depth, but it lacks visual descriptions. The only detail given is the bright blue light emitted by the scanner. The reader needs more details about the setting, the characters, and their actions. The dialogue between Chris and his son is touching, but it could be improved with more subtext and character development. Overall, the scene needs more visual and sensory information to fully immerse the reader in the story.
Suggestions 1. Show more action: The scene feels stagnant and lacks the visual and emotional action that is needed to keep the audience engaged. Add more visual elements that are indicative of the characters' emotions, such as Chris struggling to fix the scanner, his relief at finally being able to do so, and his joy at being able to provide for his family.

2. Increase the conflict: There needs to be more conflict to drive the story forward and maintain suspense. One way to achieve this could be to create tension between Chris and his son, perhaps showing their different priorities and how they cope with the tough situation they find themselves in.

3. Introduce more characters: The scene could benefit from the addition of secondary characters who provide different perspectives and motivations. For example, the addition of a sympathetic bell executive could show how Chris navigates the corporate world despite his social disadvantage.

4. Make use of sensory details: Adding sensory details such as smells, sounds, or textures will help the audience fully immerse themselves in the world of the film. For example, describe the smell of the city or sound of the bus to evoke a sense of time and place.

5. Show character development: Chris and his son should develop over the course of the scene in some way, whether it's through their actions or dialogue. Perhaps Chris learns to let go of his pride and ask for help, or Christopher matures in some way. Showing change in the characters will give the audience a sense of progress and help them emotionally invest in the story.



Scene 41 -  The End of the Internship
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY

Chris sits in his now familiar spot on the fountain wall out
front of the Bell Western building. He’s finishing signing
some paper work with another young executive.

CHRIS
Thanks, Dean.

OTHER YOUNG EXECUTIVE
Thank you, Chris.

CHRIS
You’ll get these back in a week.
Then you’ll start getting
statements a couple weeks after
that.

OTHER YOUNG EXECUTIVE
Okay. Thanks, Chris. Take care.

CHRIS
Take care.

The guy heads off back to Bell Western.

CHRIS (V.O.)
Because when I was young, and I’d
get an A on a history test or
whatever, I’d get this good feeling
about all these things I could be.
And then I was never any of them.

Chris finishes up his part of the contracts.

CHRIS (V.O.)
I was gambling, during all this,
that I could get back on my way to
being one, which I guessed would
feel like happiness.

Before long, Jay Twistle walks up.
124.



TWISTLE
Hey.

CHRIS
Hi, Jay.

TWISTLE
Rumor has it you’ve signed thirty-
one accounts from Bell Western.

CHRIS
Yeah...

Jay smiles.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
I met some guys at a ball game. I
got some cards. I worked them.

TWISTLE
(impressed)
I guess.

They sit quietly for a moment.

TWISTLE (CONT’D)
Well, there’s a week left before we
hire from the intern group. Are you
getting nervous?

CHRIS
(smiling)
I’m okay.

TWISTLE
Okay...

They become quiet again. Then Twistle offers Chris his hand.
Then Jay Twistle gets up and goes. Chris sits on the fountain
wall by himself.

INT. BOARD ROOM, DEAN WITTER - DAY

The same group of partners that accepted Chris to the intern
program sits around their conference table. After a while,
Chris comes in.

FIRST PARTNER
Hi, Chris.

CHRIS
Hi, Mr. Keane.
125.



Chris nods hello to the others.

FIRST PARTNER
Nice shirt.

CHRIS
(smiling)
Thanks...

FIRST PARTNER
Sit down, please.

Chris sits at the end of the table.

CHRIS
(smiling)
I thought I’d wear a shirt because
it’s the last day.

FIRST PARTNER
That’s good. Thanks. We appreciate
that.

Some time passes.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
Wear one tomorrow, though. Okay?

Chris looks across the table at the first partner.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
Because tomorrow’s going to be your
first day. If you’d like to work
here as a broker.

Chris doesn’t say anything.

FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
Would you like to work here?

Chris doesn’t speak right off. He’s getting himself together.

CHRIS
Yes.

FIRST PARTNER
Great. We couldn’t have been more
pleased. Welcome, Chris.

The others have stood up to congratulate and shake hands with
Chris. He’s risen as well.
126.



FIRST PARTNER (CONT’D)
Was it as easy as it looked?

Chris takes a little while to answer.

CHRIS
(smiling)
No...

Chris keeps shaking hands around the table.

INT. ELEVATOR, DEAN WITTER BUILDING - LATER

Chris rides down in an elevator crowded full of professional
men and women. Chris is in the way back, out of view of the
others because he’s crying.

EXT. MRS. CHU’S DAYCARE - LATER

Outside the building, Chris stands directly beneath the word
Happyness, waiting for his son. Chris looks real tired like
one might at the end of an ordeal, but he looks peaceful,
too.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Chris finishes up his contracts at work and receives the news that he has been hired as a broker. He rides down the elevator, crying tears of joy, and waits for his son outside of daycare.
Strengths "This scene is emotionally impactful, showing the culmination of Chris's hard work paying off with the new job offer. The use of the Happyness sign in the background adds to the theme of the scene."
Weaknesses "Some viewers may find the scene slow or drawn out, lacking in action or suspense."
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of depicting Chris's journey and the culmination of his hard work. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

One issue is with the dialogue in the scene. While it is realistic and natural, it doesn't necessarily help to move the plot forward. The conversation between Chris and the young executive doesn't serve much purpose beyond establishing Chris's job and his competency at it. Similarly, the conversation between Chris and Jay is brief and doesn't reveal much about their relationship or the upcoming intern hiring process. While natural conversation can be important in creating a grounded world, it's important to balance that with dialogue that drives the story forward.

Another area that could be improved is in the visual description of the scene. There are several moments where the script could benefit from more specific and evocative language. For example, when Chris is waiting for his son, the description simply reads "Chris looks real tired." This could be expanded upon to give a more vivid image of how Chris appears, which would help to convey his exhaustion and sense of relief.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more detail about Chris's emotional journey. We get some insight into his thoughts through voiceover, but it would be valuable to see more of his internal struggle on-screen. For example, when he's offered the job, we don't get a clear sense of how he's feeling beyond his initial shock. Seeing him process the offer and the significance of it would make the scene even more impactful.

Overall, the scene does a good job of wrapping up Chris's story, but there are some areas where it could be strengthened through more detailed visual description and dialogue that drives the plot forward.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to make the conversation between Chris and Jay Twistle more interesting and engaging. Perhaps they could discuss their personal goals and aspirations, or share a funny anecdote or story to add some depth to their relationship. Additionally, there could be more visual cues to show Chris's emotional journey, such as a shot of him looking defeated before receiving the job offer, or a shot of him smiling as he signs the contracts earlier in the scene. Finally, some physical description of Chris's appearance could be added to fully convey his exhaustion and sense of peace at the end of the scene.



Scene 42 -  The Bus Bench
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. BUS BENCH, SAN FRANCISCO - LATER

They’re waiting for the bus together. Christopher’s coloring.
Chris is just sitting there. The bus comes. It blocks them
from view. After a while, it leaves. The two are still
sitting there.

CHRISTOPHER
The bus came.

CHRIS
(looking over at it)
Oh...

CHRISTOPHER
Didn’t you see it?

CHRIS
No... I was thinking of stuff.

CHRISTOPHER
(meaning what was he
thinking of)
What?

CHRIS
Just stuff. Grown up things. Don’t
worry about it.
127.



Christopher looks down the block at the bus.

CHRISTOPHER
Do you want to run up and get it?

CHRIS
No... I don’t want to run anywhere
for a while.

He takes Christopher’s hand. He smiles at his son.

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(kidding)
Are you in a hurry to get
somewhere?

CHRISTOPHER
No, I don’t want to run either.

CHRIS
Okay. Let’s just sit here.

CHRISTOPHER
Okay.

They remain there for a while, holding hands. A period of
time goes by while they sit together. Then a scroll begins to
play over the image; it reads:

Chris Gardner remained in San Francisco with his son. He left
Dean Witter after six years to found the investment firm
Gardner Rich. Their assets in 2005 were 184 million dollars.
After Christopher’s graduation from college, Chris moved his
business to Chicago where he and Christopher live today.

CREDITS BEGIN.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Chris and his son wait for the bus and talk about grown-up things. A scroll at the end reveals Chris's success as an entrepreneur.
Strengths
  • Strong father-son relationship
  • Hopeful ending
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
  • Slow pacing
Critique
Suggestions 1. Make the scene more visually interesting: Currently, the scene is just two characters sitting on a bench. Consider adding some movement or action to make it more engaging for the audience.

2. Give the characters more to do: The dialogue is minimal and there isn't much happening beyond the two characters sitting and talking. Consider having them engage in an activity or something that is more engaging for the audience.

3. Include more emotional depth: This is the final scene of the movie, so it should leave a lasting impression on the audience. Consider adding more emotional depth to the scene so that it resonates with the viewers.

4. Tie up loose ends: While the scroll at the end of the scene ties up some loose ends, there may be other plot points that need to be addressed. Consider including some closure for these plot points to make the ending feel more complete.