Read Synecdoche, NY with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Morning Mayhem
A1 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BEDROOM - FALL 2005 - MORNING A1

Darkness. The sound of a radio and pots and pans clanging
fades in. Caden, 40, opens his eyes in bed, and groggily
looks at himself in the bureau mirror. The bedside clock
reads 7:45.

1 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S KITCHEN - FALL 2005 - SAME 1

Adele, 40, in t-shirt and sweats, mixes a bowl of instant
oatmeal, puts it in the microwave.

RADIO VOICE
... a Labor Day luncheon today --

OLIVE (O.S.) RADIO VOICE
Mommy! Done! -- at Stuckey Hall --

ADELE RADIO VOICE
Okay! -- in downtown Schenectady --

Adele leaves the kitchen. Caden, also 40, enters as she's
leaving. He's dressed in a ratty terrycloth robe.

CADEN ADELE
Morning. Morning. Tried not to wake
you.

CADEN
Thanks. You didn't. I was just --

As Caden's voice goes under, we follow Adele into --

2 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BATHROOM - FALL 2005 - CONTINUOUS 2

Olive, 4, sits on the toilet. Adele enters, rips some toilet
paper off the roll and proceeds to wipe Olive. The phone
rings in the kitchen.

ADELE CADEN (O.S.)
Caden, could you get that? It's Maria. I don't want to.

ADELE
Ugh. Caden!
(looks at bright green
smear on toilet paper)
That's weird.

The phone stops ringing.

OLIVE
Is something wrong with my poop?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 2.
2 CONTINUED: 2

ADELE MARIA'S VOICE
No, honey. It's just green. Hi, it's me. Where are you?
Maybe you ate something I'll try you on your cell.
green.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I didn't! What's wrong with me?!

A cellphone rings in the other room.

ADELE
Honey, I have to get this. You're
going to be fine.

OLIVE
But, Mommy --

Adele runs into --

3 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S KITCHEN - FALL 2005 - CONTINUOUS 3

She rifles through her purse, grabs her cellphone, answers.

ADELE
Hey.
(laughing)
Oh, wiping Olive's ass. You?

Caden is pouring himself a cup of coffee. He sips it and
stares out the window. It's raining.

ADELE (CONT'D)
You're kidding! Holy fuck!

Caden exits with his coffee, annoyed about the phone call.

CADEN
I don't feel well.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a dimly lit bedroom, Caden wakes up feeling unwell, while Adele navigates the morning chaos of parenting their four-year-old daughter, Olive. As Adele prepares instant oatmeal, Olive expresses concern about her poop, prompting a brief interaction between mother and daughter. Caden's annoyance grows when Adele asks him to answer the phone, leading to tension in the household. The scene captures the challenges of family life, ending with Caden exiting the kitchen in frustration.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Humorous tone
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Minimal plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively sets the tone for the rest of the screenplay by establishing the everyday life of the characters in a humorous way. It engages the audience with relatable situations and witty dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8.3

The concept of showcasing a typical morning routine with a touch of humor is executed effectively. It allows for character development and sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot in this scene is minimal, it serves the purpose of introducing the characters and their dynamics. It hints at potential conflicts and developments to come.

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8.7

The characters are well-defined through their interactions and dialogue. Each character's personality shines through, setting the stage for future growth and conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it lays the groundwork for potential growth and development in the characters as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on everyday interactions than major plot points. However, it hints at potential conflicts to come.

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are low, focusing more on everyday interactions than high drama. However, it sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters, their relationships, and hinting at future conflicts. It sets the stage for the narrative to unfold.

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene evokes a mild emotional response through humor and relatable family dynamics. It sets the stage for deeper emotional moments later in the screenplay.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue is witty, realistic, and reveals insights into the characters' relationships. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique
Suggestions



Scene 2 -  Green Concerns
4 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BATHROOM - FALL 2005 - CONTINUOUS 4

Caden passes the bathroom. Olive is staring into the toilet
bowl. Adele can be heard chatting in the background.

OLIVE
Daddy, my poop is green.

Caden enters the bathroom, looks into the bowl at the green
feces and smeared toilet paper. He seems freaked out.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Am I going to be okay?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 3.
4 CONTINUED: 4

CADEN
Of course, honey.

OLIVE
Did you have green poop when you
were little?

CADEN OLIVE
I'm sure I did, honey. Am I going to die?

CADEN OLIVE
Of course not. You probably I didn't! I didn't eat
ate something -- green!

CADEN
It'll be fine, sweetie. I'll be
back in a minute.

OLIVE (O.C.)
(calling)
Is poop alive?

5 EXT. CADEN AND ADELE'S HOUSE - FALL 2005 - MORNING 5

Caden steps out the front door in his bare feet and hurries
down the driveway in the rain. He picks up the newspaper,
pulls the mail from the box. As he heads back inside, he
flips through the mail. There's a magazine called Attending
to your Illness addressed to Caden. A diseased person on the
cover. Across the street a gaunt man watches Caden, unseen.

6 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S KITCHEN - FALL 2005 - MORNING 6

Caden sits at the kitchen table with his coffee, reading the
paper, dated Friday, October 14, 2005.

ADELE
All right, baby. See you then.

Adele clicks off her cellphone.

CADEN
Harold Pinter died!

ADELE CADEN
Yeah? Huh. Well, he was Oh wait. He won the Nobel
old, right? Prize. Good for him.

OLIVE (O.S.)
Mom!




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 4.
6 CONTINUED: 6

ADELE OLIVE (O.S.)
What?! Do you need to come look at
my poop again?!

ADELE OLIVE (O.S.)
No, Olive, it's fine. Just What if it's alive? What if
flush. I kill it? It's green! Like
plants!

ADELE CADEN
It's not alive, honey. God, remember that production
of The Dumbwaiter I did at
Albanyfest?

The toilet is flushed.

OLIVE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Everything's alive. Everything
grows big. That's how you know.

Olive enters.

ADELE
I have your oatmeal, honey.

OLIVE
I want peanut butter and jelly.

ADELE OLIVE
Olive, c'mon. You told me I don't want oatmeal.
oatmeal. This isn't a
restaurant.

Adele growls, grabs the oatmeal, dumps it in the sink.

OLIVE (CONT'D) CADEN
Sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry! (looking at paper)
They found Avian flu in
Turkey. In the country
Turkey not turkeys. It's in
chickens.

Adele is making a peanut butter sandwich for Olive.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Can I watch TV till school?

Caden clicks the remote for Olive and goes back to his paper.
A cartoon cow talks to a cartoon sheep.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 5.
6 CONTINUED: (2) 6

COW
There is a secret, something at
play under the surface, growing
like an invisible virus of thought.

The sheep nods. Caden pours himself some more coffee, opens
the milk carton to pour some in, then sniffs at the spout.
He checks the date on the carton. It's October 20.

CADEN COW
Man. Milk's expired. Jesus. But you are being changed by
it. Second by second. Every
breath counts off time.

Caden goes back to his paper. Adele puts a peanut butter
sandwich in front of Olive.

ADELE
Here. Now you better eat this.

OLIVE CADEN
I will. The first black graduate of
the University of Alabama
died. Vivian Malone Jones.
Stroke. Only 63.

Adele stares out the window at the rain.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a lighthearted yet tense scene, Caden finds his daughter Olive fixated on her green poop, leading to a conversation about health and childhood worries. After reassuring her, he steps outside to collect the mail, discovering a magazine about illness. Back in the kitchen, Caden shares news of playwright Harold Pinter's death with Adele, while Olive expresses her reluctance to eat oatmeal, resulting in a brief conflict with her mother. The scene captures the everyday challenges of parenting against the backdrop of rain, ending with Adele preparing a peanut butter sandwich for Olive.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Blend of humor and concern
Weaknesses
  • Low external conflict
  • Some transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7.5

The scene effectively captures the blend of everyday family life with underlying concerns and humor. The dialogue feels natural, and the interactions between the characters are engaging. However, the transitions between different elements could be smoother.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the intersection of mundane family life with underlying anxieties and news events is intriguing. It adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for potential conflicts and developments.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around the morning interactions of the family, introducing elements of concern and humor. While it sets up potential conflicts and developments, it primarily focuses on character dynamics and everyday life.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of family dynamics, with a focus on the small, everyday moments that reveal deeper emotions and connections. The dialogue feels natural and unscripted, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and responding authentically to the situations presented. Their interactions feel genuine, adding depth to the family dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and concerns, significant character changes are not prominent in this scene. It sets the stage for potential developments in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reassure his daughter Olive and maintain a sense of normalcy despite her concerns. This reflects Caden's deeper need to protect and comfort his family, as well as his fear of not being able to provide that reassurance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to address Olive's concerns about her green poop and provide a sense of stability and safety for her. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a child's health-related anxiety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on internal concerns and everyday challenges rather than external conflicts. The tension arises from the characters' anxieties and interactions.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is mild, with Olive's health concerns providing a small obstacle for Caden to navigate. The uncertainty of Olive's questions adds a layer of tension and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on everyday concerns and interactions within the family. While there are hints of potential conflicts and health issues, the immediate stakes are not high.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key elements of the family dynamic, introducing potential conflicts, and hinting at future developments. It sets the tone for the narrative to come.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it blends humor with moments of vulnerability and tenderness, keeping the audience on their toes in terms of emotional shifts.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Olive's innocence and curiosity about the world, and Caden and Adele's attempts to protect and guide her. This challenges Caden's beliefs about how to navigate difficult conversations with his daughter while maintaining her sense of wonder.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.2

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern over Olive's health to amusement at her innocent questions. The nostalgic tone adds depth to the emotional impact, resonating with themes of family and time.

Dialogue: 7.8

The dialogue is natural and reflective of everyday conversations within a family. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and relationships, blending humor with moments of concern.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the humor and warmth of everyday family interactions, drawing the audience into the characters' lives and emotions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and action, with a clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic nature of family life, particularly the humorous yet serious concerns of a child. However, the dialogue could benefit from more naturalistic exchanges that reflect the characters' personalities more distinctly. For instance, Caden's responses to Olive's questions could be more playful or sarcastic, showcasing his frustration while still being a caring father.
  • The transition from the bathroom to the outdoor scene feels abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose the intimate family moment with the outside world, a smoother transition could enhance the flow. Consider adding a brief moment where Caden reflects on the chaos before stepping outside, which would deepen the emotional resonance.
  • The dialogue about Harold Pinter's death feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene. While it introduces a thematic element of mortality, it could be integrated more seamlessly into the family dynamic. Perhaps Caden could relate Pinter's death to his own feelings of discomfort or mortality, creating a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • Olive's concerns about her poop being alive are amusing and childlike, but they could be expanded to reflect deeper themes of innocence and fear. This could be a moment for Caden to share a light-hearted story from his childhood, which would not only reassure Olive but also provide insight into his character.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, particularly in the kitchen where multiple conversations overlap. This could be streamlined to maintain clarity and focus on the main conflict. Consider prioritizing the most impactful dialogue and reducing the number of simultaneous conversations to avoid overwhelming the audience.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Caden's character by incorporating more of his personality into his responses to Olive. This could involve humor or sarcasm that reflects his annoyance but also his love for her.
  • Create a smoother transition between the bathroom and outdoor scenes by adding a moment of reflection for Caden, allowing the audience to feel the weight of his responsibilities before stepping outside.
  • Integrate the discussion of Harold Pinter's death more organically into the family dynamic, perhaps by having Caden relate it to his own feelings about aging or mortality, making it more relevant to the scene.
  • Expand on Olive's concerns about her poop to explore themes of innocence and fear, allowing Caden to share a childhood story that reassures her and adds depth to his character.
  • Streamline the kitchen dialogue to maintain clarity and focus on the main conflict, ensuring that the audience can easily follow the interactions without feeling overwhelmed by overlapping conversations.



Scene 3 -  Chaos in the Bathroom
7 INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - FALL 2005 - DAY 7

Caden is in the dentist's chair, a bloody bib around his
neck. The dentist, in surgical mask, probes his open mouth,
calls out numbers to an assistant, who records them.

DENTIST
2, 2, 1. 3, 4, 2. 3, 4, 4.
(to Caden)
Family coming for Thanksgiving?

8 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BATHROOM - WINTER 2005 - NIGHT 8

Caden shaves. A faucet explodes and smacks him in the
forehead. He is sent staggering backwards with a yelp, into
the far wall, his razor flying and blood pouring from a
jagged cut above his right eyebrow. Off-screen, we hear the
pounding footsteps of someone running toward us. Half of
Caden's face is covered with shaving cream. Rivulets of
blood intermingle with it. Water shoots out where the tap
was, spraying the mirror, which is spattered with blood.
Adele, dressed in heavily paint-splattered clothes, hurries
in and takes in the scene: the wet, the mess, the blood.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 6.
8 CONTINUED: 8

ADELE
Jesus! Caden! What the fuck -- ?!

Olive, in a nightgown, stands quietly in the doorway, her
curled toes clenched. She holds a large stuffed owl.

CADEN ADELE
Um. I was shaving and -- My God! Jesus! Look at your
head!

Dumbly, Caden tries to look up at his forehead, then squints
nervously at himself in the mirror.

ADELE (CONT'D)
(to Olive)
Honey, don't look.

Olive turns around.

ADELE (CONT'D)
Put pressure. Press. Press!

CADEN
Do I press above or below it?

ADELE
I don't know! Just... both!

Caden sits on the toilet, presses a towel to his head. Adele
squats, goes into a spasmodic coughing fit, finishes, opens
the cabinet under the sink, pushes her arm through bottles of
cleaning products, old sponges, old toothbrushes, toilet
paper rolls and other junk to the shut-off valves.

ADELE (CONT'D)
I can't turn it! It's gonna flood!

Olive hugs the owl tightly and it speaks.

OWL ADELE
Whooo. Whooo. Whooo are I can't -- Oh wait, got it!
you?

Adele turns off the water. Olive looks back into the room.

OLIVE
Mommy, Daddy has blood.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a frantic scene set in Caden and Adele's bathroom, Caden injures himself while shaving when a faucet unexpectedly explodes, causing blood to pour from a cut on his forehead. Adele rushes in, alarmed by the injury and the flooding, and takes charge by instructing Caden to apply pressure to his wound while she frantically tries to turn off the water. Their daughter Olive observes the chaos, concerned for her father. The scene culminates with Adele successfully stopping the water, but the tension and worry for Caden's injury linger.
Strengths
  • Authentic character reactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Slightly chaotic pacing
  • Limited external context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys tension and chaos through the unexpected event of Caden cutting himself while shaving, leading to a frantic and worried reaction from Adele and Olive. The mix of emotions and the sudden turn of events keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a moment of vulnerability and chaos within a family setting is effectively portrayed, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene revolves around the unexpected accident and the characters' reactions to it, adding a layer of complexity to the family dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a common domestic situation, adding elements of chaos and dark humor to create a unique and engaging narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters' reactions and interactions in response to the accident feel authentic and emotionally charged, showcasing their individual personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a moment of heightened emotion and vulnerability, leading to potential growth and development in their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to handle the situation calmly and not panic in front of his family, despite the injury he sustained.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to stop the bleeding and fix the broken faucet.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the unexpected accident and the characters' struggle to deal with the situation, adding depth to the emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caden facing physical injury, a broken faucet, and the chaos of the situation, creating obstacles for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene come from the characters' emotional well-being and the potential impact of the accident on their relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides a glimpse into the characters' personal lives and relationships, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden faucet explosion and the characters' unexpected reactions, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the chaos and unpredictability of life and the desire for control and stability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' vulnerability and concern for each other.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and concerns, adding to the overall tension and chaos of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and reactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense effectively, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a progression of events that build tension and drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of chaos and urgency, which is a strong reflection of the family's dynamic. The use of physical comedy, such as Caden's injury and Adele's frantic response, adds a layer of humor amidst the tension, making it relatable for audiences who have experienced similar family mishaps.
  • However, the dialogue could benefit from more specificity and emotional depth. While the urgency is clear, the characters' emotional responses to the situation feel somewhat surface-level. For instance, Caden's reaction to his injury could be more expressive, showcasing his vulnerability and fear, rather than just confusion.
  • The introduction of Olive is a nice touch, but her presence could be utilized more effectively to heighten the stakes. Her innocence juxtaposed with the chaos could be explored further, perhaps by having her ask more poignant questions or express her feelings about the situation, which would deepen the emotional impact.
  • The pacing of the scene is brisk, which works well for the chaotic atmosphere, but it may benefit from a moment of stillness or reflection. A brief pause where Caden processes his injury or Adele takes a moment to breathe could enhance the tension and allow the audience to connect more with the characters' emotional states.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the imagery of blood and water, which creates a vivid picture of the chaos. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the water, the smell of blood, or the texture of the shaving cream, to immerse the audience further into the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Caden's reaction to his injury. Allow him to express fear or frustration, which would make his character more relatable and human.
  • Explore Olive's character further by giving her more lines or reactions that reflect her innocence and concern. This could heighten the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Introduce a moment of stillness or reflection amidst the chaos to allow the audience to connect with the characters' emotional states. This could be a brief pause where Caden or Adele takes a moment to breathe or process the situation.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the scene's immersion. Describe the sounds, smells, and textures present in the bathroom to create a more vivid experience for the audience.
  • Consider using the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' relationships and dynamics. For example, Adele's response to Caden's injury could reflect deeper feelings about their relationship or parenting, adding layers to the scene.



Scene 4 -  Under the Bright Lights
9 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - WINTER 2005 - NIGHT 9

Caden sits on a metal table. The room has some meager
Christmas ornaments. A doctor stitches Caden's forehead.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 7.
9 CONTINUED: 9

Caden squints into the bright light the doctor uses to see
his work. In the background we hear another patient.

PATIENT (O.S.)
(crying)
Please, please, please...

Caden sees a nurse shoving a tube far up into a man's nose.
Another nurse wipes away the blood leaking out his nostril.

CADEN
Will there be a scar?

DOCTOR
Probably. It looks like a mudflap.

CADEN
I prefer there not be a scar.

DOCTOR
That fellow is annoying. He's in
here every week. Like clockwork.

The off-screen patient continues to whimper. The doctor
finishes his work on Caden.

DOCTOR (CONT'D)
There. I think that should --

He looks at Caden's eyes, turns off the bright lamp and looks
again. He turns the lamp back on and looks once more.

CADEN
What?

The doctor feels Caden's pulse, then listens to his heart.
He presses hard against the glands in Caden's neck.

DOCTOR
Changes in bowel movements?

CADEN
A little more yellow than usual.
What?

DOCTOR
I'd like you to see an
ophthalmologist.

CADEN
A neurologist?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 8.
9 CONTINUED: (2) 9

DOCTOR
What? No, an ophthalmologist. I
said, ophthalmologist.

CADEN
Oh.

The doctor stares blankly at Caden for a long moment, then
looks suspiciously in Caden's ears.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a stark examination room during the winter of 2005, Caden sits on a metal table as a doctor stitches a wound on his forehead. The atmosphere is tense, amplified by the cries of another patient in the background. Caden engages in a humorous yet anxious conversation with the doctor about his injury and health concerns, leading to confusion over the type of specialist he should see. The scene blends dark humor with a sense of unease, culminating in the doctor's suspicious inspection of Caden's ears.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of anxiety
  • Realistic medical examination setting
  • Introduction of potential health concerns
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development
  • Moderate conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7.5

The scene effectively conveys Caden's anxiety and the clinical atmosphere of a medical examination. However, it lacks emotional depth and could benefit from more character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Caden's health concerns through a medical examination is intriguing and adds depth to his character. The scene effectively introduces a new layer of conflict and uncertainty.

Plot: 7.5

The plot is advanced by introducing potential health issues for Caden, adding a new layer of tension and uncertainty to the story. However, it could have been further developed to create more intrigue.

Originality: 8

The scene is original in its depiction of a medical examination and the character's reactions to the treatment. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are portrayed realistically in the medical setting, with Caden's anxiety and the doctor's clinical demeanor effectively conveyed. However, more depth and development could enhance the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

Caden experiences a minor shift in his perspective due to the health concerns raised during the examination. However, the change is not significant enough to drive substantial character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to understand the extent of his injury and ensure that there will be no visible scar. This reflects his deeper desire for control and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to receive medical treatment for his injury and address any potential health concerns raised by the doctor. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around Caden's health concerns and anxiety. While it adds tension, it could benefit from more external conflict to drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Caden faces medical concerns and conflicting advice from the doctor.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as Caden faces potential health concerns, adding a sense of urgency and uncertainty to the narrative. However, they could be heightened to increase tension.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing potential health issues for Caden, setting the stage for future developments. However, it could have been more impactful in advancing the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected medical concerns raised by the doctor and the uncertainty of Caden's condition.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Caden's desire to avoid a scar and the doctor's nonchalant attitude towards the injury. This challenges Caden's values of self-image and physical appearance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6.5

The scene elicits a moderate level of emotional impact through Caden's anxiety and the clinical examination. However, it could have been more emotionally resonant with deeper character exploration.

Dialogue: 6.5

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying the medical examination and Caden's concerns. However, it lacks depth and emotional resonance, impacting the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters and the uncertainty surrounding Caden's injury.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a medical examination scene, with clear descriptions of the setting and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and discomfort of Caden's situation, both physically and emotionally. The use of the examination room as a setting adds to the sterile and clinical atmosphere, which contrasts with the chaotic family life depicted in previous scenes. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while the doctor’s comments are humorous, they could also reveal more about Caden's state of mind or his relationship with the doctor.
  • The introduction of the off-screen patient crying adds a layer of discomfort and urgency, but it could be more integrated into Caden's experience. For instance, Caden's reaction to the crying could reflect his own fears or anxieties about his health, enhancing the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Caden's confusion about the doctor's recommendations (ophthalmologist vs. neurologist) is a good comedic moment, but it also highlights his disorientation. This could be expanded upon to show how overwhelmed he feels, perhaps through internal monologue or more physical reactions to the doctor's probing questions.
  • The doctor's character comes off as somewhat one-dimensional. Adding a few more lines that hint at his personality or background could make him more memorable and provide a contrast to Caden's character. This could also serve to deepen the theme of isolation in Caden's life.
  • The scene ends somewhat abruptly after the doctor looks suspiciously in Caden's ears. This could be an opportunity to leave the audience with a stronger emotional hook or a cliffhanger that ties back to Caden's fears about his health, perhaps by having him reflect on his life choices or his family.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Caden that reflects his fears about his health and the implications of the doctor's questions. This could help the audience connect more deeply with his character.
  • Enhance the doctor's character by giving him a unique quirk or perspective that contrasts with Caden's anxiety. This could be a humorous or serious trait that adds depth to their interaction.
  • Integrate Caden's reaction to the off-screen patient more directly into the scene. For example, he could express concern or annoyance, which would help to illustrate his mental state and the chaos surrounding him.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Caden and the doctor to include more subtext about Caden's life, perhaps touching on his family or career, which would enrich the scene and provide context for his current emotional state.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful line or moment that encapsulates Caden's fears or the absurdity of his situation, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of unease or curiosity.



Scene 5 -  Winter Night Distress
10 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S CAR - WINTER 2006 - NIGHT 10

Adele drives and coughs spasmodically. The car swerves a bit.
Caden has a bandaged head and a prescription in his hand.
Olive, in her car seat, sings. Caden sees revelers in winter
coats and party hats outside a house. They blow noisemakers
and yell "happy new year!"

OLIVE
(singing)
It's a beautiful day and the sun is
shining and yellow. And the world
is too big to understand and today
is Tuesday and --
(speaking)
Mom, is today Tuesday?

ADELE
No, it's Friday, honey.

OLIVE
(singing)
And today is Friday and...

Olive's singing continues but goes under.

ADELE
So what exactly did he say?

CADEN
My pupils weren't properly dilating
and, um, not doing the opposite ...

ADELE
Constricting.

CADEN ADELE
No. Yes. The bump to the head?

CADEN
He doesn't know. Maybe. He said
he doesn't think so. But maybe.
But he doesn't know. But --


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 9.
10 CONTINUED: 10

ADELE CADEN
Okay. I got it. Jesus. Sorry. I'm a little anxious.

OLIVE
Did you have to get a shot, Daddy?

CADEN
No, honey.
(to Adele)
It's the start of something awful.

OLIVE
Do I have to get a shot?

CADEN
What? No. Of course not.
(pause, to Adele)
This is really fucked timing.

ADELE
Caden.

CADEN OLIVE
Sorry. Bad timing. Did you tell him I have green
poop?

ADELE (CONT'D) CADEN
Remind me to call the (realizing)
plumber, would you? I need a I have rehearsal! Fuck!
to-do list. Caden!

CADEN OLIVE
Sorry. How many years till I have to
get more shots?

ADELE (CONT'D)
Not for a long time, honey.

Caden pulls out a cell phone and dials.

OLIVE
A million years?

ADELE OLIVE
Remember Dr. Woodman said Dad, what's a plumber?
after the last vaccination --

CADEN
He's the man who --




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 10.
10 CONTINUED: (2) 10

ADELE CADEN
Or woman, Dad. Right. He's the man or woman
who fixes sinks and toilets
and... do you know what pipes
are?

OLIVE
No.

CADEN
(into phone)
Hey, Jim. I know. I'm sorry. I
had an accident. No, I'm okay.

OLIVE
Like to smoke out of?

CADEN
Different kind of pipe.
(into phone)
Just run lines. I'll be there
soon. 'kay.
(hangs up)
Houses have pipes. They're, like,
tubes and they're behind walls and
under the floor everywhere and --

Olive begins to whimper in horror.

ADELE
What's wrong, baby?

OLIVE
(hushed anxious whisper)
Every-single-where?

CADEN
It's okay. They just carry water
to and from sinks and bathtubs and
toilets. It's like in your body
you have veins and ... um...

ADELE
Capillaries.

CADEN
And they're filled with blood.

Olive is crying in earnest now.

OLIVE
I don't want blood. I have blood?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 11.
10 CONTINUED: (3) 10

ADELE
(to Caden)
What are you doing? Jesus.

CADEN
I'm trying to explain plumbing.

ADELE
Well, stop it.
(to Olive)
It's okay, honey.

OLIVE
(weeping)
I don't want blood. Will it hurt?
Will it hurt, Daddy?!

CADEN
No, honey, you're fine.

OLIVE CADEN
I don't want blood! I don't (holding head)
want blood! I don't want I can't do this now.
blood...

ADELE
You don't have to worry, baby. You
don't have blood.

CADEN
Well, I don't think you should tell
her she doesn't have blood.

ADELE
Caden, stop it!

Olive cries. Adele coughs. Caden stares out the window. It's
dark, but his pupils are pinpricks.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a tense car ride during a winter night in 2006, Adele drives while coughing, anxious about her husband Caden's medical condition, which is evident from his bandaged head. Their daughter Olive sings in the backseat but becomes distressed when Caden explains plumbing, inadvertently triggering her fears about blood and her own body. As Olive cries, Adele tries to comfort her while Caden struggles to manage the escalating situation, leaving the family in a state of emotional turmoil.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Slightly confusing dialogue at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines humor and anxiety, showcasing the family's dynamics and concerns. The dialogue is engaging, and the emotional impact is strong.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of explaining plumbing to a child while dealing with family health concerns is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through the family's interactions and concerns, adding depth to the characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring fear and uncertainty through the lens of a family dynamic. The characters' reactions and interactions feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, each showcasing unique traits and emotions. Their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions hint at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to manage his anxiety and fear about his head injury and the uncertainty surrounding it. This reflects his deeper need for control and reassurance in a situation that is out of his hands.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to navigate the conversation with Adele and Olive about his head injury and reassure Olive that everything will be okay. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining a sense of normalcy and calm in a stressful situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from Olive's fear of blood and the family's health concerns, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that create conflict and tension. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's emotional impact.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high, with concerns about health and family dynamics adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the family dynamics and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' emotional reactions and the unexpected turns in the conversation. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will react or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing approaches to handling fear and uncertainty. Caden tries to explain plumbing to Olive as a distraction, while Adele wants to shield Olive from the truth. This challenges Caden's belief in honesty and transparency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially through Olive's fear and the family's concerns, creating a poignant moment.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, blending humor and anxiety effectively. It reveals the characters' personalities and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and emotional intensity through the characters' interactions and dialogue. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and fears, making them emotionally invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and action, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. The dialogue and interactions between the characters are well-paced and engaging.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic dynamics of a family dealing with health concerns, but it could benefit from a clearer emotional arc. Caden's anxiety about his health and Olive's innocent fears about blood create a strong tension, yet the resolution feels abrupt and lacks depth. The emotional stakes could be heightened by exploring Caden's internal conflict more thoroughly, perhaps through his reactions to Olive's fears.
  • The dialogue is realistic and captures the essence of a family conversation, but it sometimes feels disjointed. For instance, the transitions between Caden's medical concerns and Olive's questions about plumbing could be smoother. This would help maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged.
  • Olive's character is charming and relatable, but her emotional responses could be more nuanced. Instead of just crying, perhaps she could express her fears in a way that resonates more deeply with Caden's own anxieties, creating a stronger connection between them.
  • The use of humor in the dialogue is a nice touch, but it occasionally undermines the gravity of the situation. For example, Caden's attempt to explain plumbing while Olive is distressed feels out of place. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the moment could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The visual elements, such as the dark car and the winter setting, effectively set the tone, but they could be used more strategically to reflect the characters' emotional states. For instance, the darkness outside could symbolize Caden's internal turmoil, while Olive's bright singing contrasts with the tension in the car.
Suggestions
  • Consider deepening Caden's internal conflict by incorporating more of his thoughts or feelings about his health and how it affects his role as a father. This could be done through voiceover or more introspective dialogue.
  • Smooth out the transitions between topics in the dialogue to create a more cohesive flow. This could involve adding brief pauses or reactions that connect Caden's medical concerns with Olive's innocent questions.
  • Enhance Olive's emotional responses by allowing her to articulate her fears more clearly, perhaps by asking more specific questions about blood or health, which would also reflect her innocence and curiosity.
  • Reassess the balance of humor and seriousness in the scene. Consider whether certain lines can be rephrased to maintain the tension while still allowing for moments of levity that feel appropriate given the context.
  • Utilize the visual elements more effectively to mirror the characters' emotional states. For example, consider using lighting changes or camera angles that emphasize the contrast between Olive's innocence and Caden's anxiety.



Scene 6 -  Chaos and Clarity
11 INT. OPHTHALMOLOGIST'S OFFICE - WINTER 2006 - DAY 11

An ophthalmologist examines Caden's eyes. An eyeglass
calendar on the wall is open to March 2006.

CADEN
Thanks for getting me in right
away.

The doctor touches Caden's eye repeatedly with a small probe.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Is it the bump to the head?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 12.
11 CONTINUED: 11

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
No.
(writes in chart, then:)
Could be. But I think we need to
get you to a neurologist. Nothing
urgent.

CADEN
A neurologist?

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
Yes, a brain expert.

CADEN OPHTHALMOLOGIST
I know what a neurologist is. Fine. I just thought from
the way you asked --

CADEN
I thought maybe you said urologist.
Why do I need to see a neurologist?

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
For a look-see. The eyes are part
of the brain, after all.

CADEN
That's not true, is it?

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
Why would I say it if it weren't
true?

CADEN
It just doesn't seem right.

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
Like morally correct? Or right as
in accurate?

CADEN
I'm not sure. Accurate, I guess.

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
Hmm. Interesting.

The doctor writes in Caden's chart.

12 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER - 2006 - DAY 12

Caden sits in the almost empty theater. A few people with
note-pads are scattered around. Centerstage, a 1948 Dodge
Business Coupe. The car is surrounded by various rooms from
that period: a kitchen, bedrooms, etc.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 12A.
12 CONTINUED: 12

Tom, the actor playing Willy Loman, stands center stage.
Claire, the actress playing Linda Loman, sits in the set's
bedroom. Davis, the actor playing Biff, lies on the top bunk
of a bunk bed upstage. A fourth actor, playing Happy, lies on
the bottom bunk.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
Willy, you coming up!!!!

TOM (AS WILLY)
Sssssh!!

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
Willy?

Tom climbs in the car.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA) (CONT’D)
Willy? Answer me!...Willy!

Tom starts the car and guns the engine. A brick wall off
stage speeds into the car, accompanied by crashing and
screeching sound effects.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA) (CONT’D)
No!!!

DAVIS (AS BIFF)
Pop!!

The wall continues to be pulled past the car crashing into
the rest of the set, knocking walls over, creating havoc. A
lamp post falls and hits Claire, knocking her over.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 13.
12 CONTINUED: (2) 12

CADEN CLAIRE
(running to stage) Yeah yeah, I'm fine. It's no
Oh crap, Claire, are you big deal.
okay?

CADEN DAVID
David, what's happening here? (looking back from seat)
Sorry, Caden. Hold on.

David runs on stage to deal with the mess.

CADEN
It's too late in the game to be
having these problems, David.
(to Claire)
You're sure you're okay?

CLAIRE DAVID
God yes, it was funny. I know, Caden. I'm sorry.
We'll get it.

Tom emerges from the car, covered with stage blood.

CADEN (CONT’D)
Please.
(to Tom)
That was good, Tom.

TOM
Yeah? I was trying something
different. I was crashing
differently. Ambivalently.

CADEN
I saw that. I like it.

Caden meets Tom at the foot of the stage. Behind them a
group of technicians are lifting the wall and trying to re-
set it. Claire primps in the bureau mirror.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Try to keep in mind that a young
person playing Willy Loman thinks
he's only pretending to be at the
end of a life full of despair. But
the tragedy is that we know that
you, the young actor, will end up
in this very place of desolation.

TOM
(taking this in)
Okay.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 14.
12 CONTINUED: (3) 12

CADEN
Great. Let's try it again.
(calling)
How long, David?

DAVID
I think fifteen.

CADEN
Why don't you get cleaned up, Tom,
and we'll go again.

Tom exits. Caden rubs his temples, then heads to the back of
the house, pulling out his cell phone. He exits the theater.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden visits an ophthalmologist who suggests he see a neurologist, raising concerns about the connection between his eye issues and potential brain problems. Confused, Caden transitions to a chaotic theater rehearsal of 'Death of a Salesman,' where a mishap injures an actress, prompting him to check on her. Despite the disorder, he offers feedback to the actors, urging them to explore the deeper meanings of their roles. The scene captures Caden's anxiety about his health and the absurdity of the theatrical chaos, ending with him frustrated and exiting the theater.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension, humor, and reflection
  • Well-developed characters and relationships
  • Intriguing exploration of perception and self-awareness
Weaknesses
  • Moderate level of conflict
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and reflection, providing depth to Caden's character while moving the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of perception, self-awareness, and the interconnectedness of physical and mental health is intriguing and well-developed in the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses effectively, intertwining Caden's personal health journey with the challenges of the theater production, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a common medical situation, adding humor and depth to the interaction between the protagonist and the doctor. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Caden, are well-developed in this scene, showcasing vulnerability, humor, and complexity. The interactions between characters add depth to their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Caden undergoes some self-reflection and vulnerability in the scene, but the focus is more on exploring his current state rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand the cause of his eye issue and potential head injury. This reflects his fear of a serious health problem and his desire for reassurance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to follow the doctor's advice and see a neurologist. This reflects the immediate challenge of seeking medical help and addressing a potential health issue.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from Caden's health concerns and the chaos of the theater rehearsal.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist's skepticism and the doctor's confidence creating conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, primarily revolving around Caden's health and the success of the theater production.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Caden's health concerns and the challenges of the theater production, adding depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's skepticism and the doctor's confidence create tension and uncertainty about the diagnosis and treatment.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's skepticism about the doctor's explanation and the doctor's confidence in his medical knowledge. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about healthcare and medical expertise.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to humor and reflection, engaging the audience on multiple levels.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, humor, and reflection, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates tension and uncertainty around the protagonist's health issue, drawing the audience into the character's emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's health journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a medical consultation scene, with clear dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from a medical examination to a chaotic theater rehearsal, showcasing Caden's ongoing struggles with his health and his role as a director. However, the abrupt shift in tone from the clinical environment to the theatrical chaos may confuse the audience. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • Caden's dialogue with the ophthalmologist is humorous and reflects his confusion, but it could benefit from more depth. The exchange feels somewhat superficial and could be expanded to explore Caden's anxieties about his health more profoundly. This would add emotional weight to the scene.
  • The chaotic rehearsal scene is visually engaging, but the dialogue could be tightened to maintain clarity amidst the chaos. The actors' lines, while capturing the frantic energy of the rehearsal, may overwhelm the audience. Consider focusing on fewer characters or simplifying their dialogue to enhance comprehension.
  • Caden's interactions with the actors provide insight into his character, but they could be more emotionally resonant. His concern for Claire's well-being and the metaphorical implications of Willy Loman's character could be emphasized to deepen the thematic exploration of despair and mortality.
  • The scene ends with Caden exiting the theater, which feels abrupt. A more reflective moment could provide closure and allow the audience to absorb the chaos and its implications on Caden's mental state.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of introspection for Caden after the ophthalmologist's appointment to highlight his fears about his health and mortality before transitioning to the theater scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue with the ophthalmologist by incorporating Caden's internal thoughts or fears about his health, making the conversation feel more layered and impactful.
  • Streamline the dialogue during the rehearsal scene to ensure that the audience can follow the action without feeling overwhelmed. Focus on key lines that convey the urgency and chaos without losing clarity.
  • Explore the emotional stakes of Caden's interactions with the actors further, perhaps by having him reflect on his own life experiences in relation to the characters they portray.
  • Consider ending the scene with a moment of silence or a poignant line from Caden that encapsulates his feelings about the chaos he just witnessed, providing a stronger emotional resonance.



Scene 7 -  Literary Connections
13 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER LOBBY - 2006 - DAY 13

Caden passes the box office. Hazel, 35, sits inside, reading
a novel. She looks up, smiles warmly, and waves.

HAZEL
I just heard the death of the
salesman.

CADEN
In more ways than one.

HAZEL
(compassionately)
Oh no.
(then:)

CADEN
(holding up cell phone)
In search of elusive signal.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 15.
13 CONTINUED: 13

HAZEL
Signal's good here, oddly.

She pats her lap in a friendly manner.

CADEN
That is odd.

HAZEL
I know! Cell phones, they're
crazy!

CADEN HAZEL
(chuckles) (back in her book)
See you in a few. Yup.

14 EXT. SCHENECTADY THEATER - 2006 - DAY 14

Caden has the phone to his ear. He's squinting in the bright
sunlight, pupils dilated. The gaunt man watches him unseen.

CADEN
Dr. Heshborg said I should see Dr.
Scariano. My pupils don't work.

15 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER BOX OFFICE - 2006 - CONTINUOUS 15

Hazel reads the first page of Swann's Way. The other volumes
of In Search of Lost Time are stacked neatly nearby. She
looks up and sees Caden standing outside the box office
window watching her.

HAZEL
I keep reading the first line.
It's a good line, I think. But I
don't know much about literature.

CADEN
Maybe you should read the first
line of another series of books.

HAZEL
I'm trying to better myself, Caden.
Recommend me something. You're a
genius; you must've read nearly a
dozen books.

CADEN
Exactly twelve. Have you read
Kafka?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 15A.
15 CONTINUED: 15

HAZEL
Um, I've read his name. A lot! I
swear!




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 16.
15 CONTINUED: (2) 15

CADEN
His whole name?

HAZEL
Okay, not his entire name. Heinz?

CADEN
(laughs)
You should read The Trial, maybe.

HAZEL
If you say so, I will. Can't wait
till Wednesday. I'm so excited to
see it.

CADEN
I hope you like it.

HAZEL
It's pretty impossible that I
won't, you know. I mean...

She trails off, shrugs. They smile at each other. Caden
exits. Hazel looks at her book, re-reads the first sentence.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the lobby of the Schenectady Theater, Caden engages in a friendly conversation with Hazel, who is absorbed in a novel. They discuss literature, including Kafka and the play 'Death of a Salesman,' while Caden humorously touches on his health struggles. Their light-hearted exchange reveals Hazel's eagerness to enhance her literary knowledge and Caden's search for connection. The scene concludes with Caden leaving the theater, and Hazel re-reading the first line of her book, highlighting her desire for personal growth.
Strengths
  • Strong character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of communication themes
Weaknesses
  • Minimal character change
  • Moderate conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy, showcasing strong character interactions and dialogue. The exploration of themes related to communication and self-improvement adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring communication, connection, and self-improvement through character interactions is well-developed and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through character interactions and dialogue, introducing new elements and advancing the narrative effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and explores their dynamic through witty dialogue and playful interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic. The dialogue reflects their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, with a focus on showcasing existing dynamics and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Hazel on a personal level and engage in a friendly conversation. This reflects his need for human connection and his desire for companionship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss literature with Hazel and recommend a book to her. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their interaction and the shared interest in reading.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily stemming from the characters' internal struggles and misunderstandings.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with conflicting views on literature and knowledge creating tension between the characters.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and communication dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, advancing character relationships, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the characters' conversations and the playful nature of their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Caden's intellectualism and Hazel's casual approach to literature. This challenges Caden's beliefs about the importance of reading and knowledge.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, balancing humor and compassion in character interactions.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, reflecting the characters' personalities and driving the scene forward. It effectively conveys humor, compassion, and confusion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters, the playful interactions, and the shared interest in literature.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through the characters' engaging dialogue and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions that contribute to the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of light-hearted interaction between Caden and Hazel, which contrasts with the heavier themes present in the rest of the screenplay. This juxtaposition can serve to highlight Caden's internal struggles while providing a brief respite for the audience.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, showcasing the characters' personalities and their relationship dynamics. Hazel's eagerness to improve herself through literature and Caden's playful sarcasm create a relatable and engaging exchange.
  • However, the scene lacks a deeper emotional undercurrent that could elevate it further. While the banter is enjoyable, it feels somewhat disconnected from the overarching themes of health, mortality, and existential dread that permeate the screenplay. Adding a layer of subtext or tension could enhance the scene's impact.
  • The visual elements are minimal, primarily focusing on the dialogue. Incorporating more descriptive visuals could help set the tone and atmosphere of the theater lobby, making it feel more alive and reflective of the characters' emotional states.
  • The ending, where Hazel re-reads the first sentence of her book, is a nice touch that emphasizes her desire for knowledge and self-improvement. However, it could be strengthened by showing a more pronounced reaction from Caden, perhaps indicating how he feels about her aspirations or his own insecurities.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability or introspection for Caden during the conversation. This could be a fleeting thought or a physical reaction that hints at his internal struggles, creating a stronger connection to the themes of the screenplay.
  • Enhance the visual description of the theater lobby to create a more immersive setting. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights that surround Caden and Hazel, which could help ground the scene in a more vivid reality.
  • Introduce a subtle conflict or tension in the dialogue that reflects Caden's health concerns or his feelings of inadequacy. This could be a moment where Hazel inadvertently touches on a sensitive topic, prompting a more serious response from Caden.
  • Explore the possibility of Hazel sharing a personal anecdote related to her reading or aspirations, which could deepen her character and provide a more meaningful connection to Caden.
  • Consider revising the ending to include a more explicit emotional reaction from Caden as he observes Hazel's enthusiasm for literature. This could serve to highlight his own feelings of stagnation or inadequacy in contrast to her growth.



Scene 8 -  Falling Thoughts
16 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BATHROOM - 2006 - NIGHT 16

Caden sits on the toilet. He finishes, looks in the bowl.
His bowel movement is dark and loose.

17 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BEDROOM - 2006 - NIGHT 17

Adele lies in bed asleep. Caden steps out of the bathroom
and climbs into bed.

CADEN
I think I have blood in my stool.

Adele looks over, half asleep.

ADELE
That stool in your office?

18 INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - 2006 - DAY 18

Caden and Adele sit across from Madeline, 40's, their
therapist. Silence. Adele has a coughing fit. Then:

ADELE
When I was pregnant with Olive...

MADELINE
What was it like?


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 17.
18 CONTINUED: 18

ADELE
Um... I don't know. Hopeful or
something. Like something was
going to change.

MADELINE
Something did, no?

ADELE CADEN
Yes, of course. Yes. I mean... big time.

ADELE
Maybe not as much as I had hoped.
That's a terrible thing to say.

MADELINE
There are no terrible things to say
in here. Only true and false.

ADELE
I feel alone sometimes. I feel
exhausted. Can I say something
awful?

MADELINE
Yes. Please do.

ADELE
I've fantasized about Caden dying
and being able to start again.
Guilt free. I know it's terrible.

19 EXT. SCHENECTADY THEATER - 2006 - DAY 19

Caden sits sadly on the steps; drinks coffee. He watches as
Hazel pulls into the parking lot, gets out of her car. The
gaunt man is behind the trash bin. She sits next to Caden.

CADEN
It's a nightmare in there.

HAZEL
The car crash?

CADEN
Well... not only.

HAZEL
Sorry. So I'm reading The Trial.

CADEN
Yeah? You like?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 18.
19 CONTINUED: 19

HAZEL
Love. I'm such an idiot for not
knowing about this book.
(conspiratorial whisper)
It's famous, it turns out.

CADEN
You're not an idiot.

Pause.

HAZEL
Then you say, in fact, you're very
bright, Hazel. And I love your
eyes.

CADEN HAZEL
In fact, you're very bright, (playing charmed)
Hazel. And I love your eyes. Oh, am I? Oh, do you? Oh,
darling!

CADEN
Then what do I say?

HAZEL
I can't say what then you say.

CADEN
Why?

HAZEL
Cause it's dirty.

A whistling noise turns their heads. In the distance a man
with an unopened parachute is plummeting.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Oh my God! Jesus!

They watch as the man falls behind a building. A scream. A
screech of brakes.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
He's gotta be dead. Right?
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Caden expresses concern about his health to Adele, who misinterprets his worries. In therapy, Adele reveals her feelings of loneliness and dark fantasies about Caden's death. The scene shifts to Caden meeting Hazel outside a theater, where they share a playful conversation until they are interrupted by the shocking sight of a man falling from the sky with an unopened parachute, leaving them both in shock.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of characters' inner thoughts and struggles
  • Effective use of dark humor and surreal elements
  • Engaging dialogue that reveals emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some may find the scene too introspective or melancholic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines introspective moments with dark humor and a surreal event, creating a compelling and thought-provoking atmosphere. The dialogue is engaging and reveals deep emotions and desires within the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of delving into the characters' inner reflections and fantasies while incorporating dark humor and a surreal event is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the characters' emotional struggles and desires, moving the story forward through their introspective conversations and the unexpected event of the falling man.

Originality: 9

The scene explores taboo topics such as death fantasies and loneliness in relationships, offering a fresh and honest perspective on human emotions and vulnerabilities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, with their inner thoughts and conflicts driving the scene. Adele's guilt and loneliness, Caden's reflections and fantasies, and Hazel's engagement with literature all contribute to the depth of the characters.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations throughout the scene, particularly in their reflections and fantasies. Adele expresses guilt and loneliness, Caden reflects on his desires, and Hazel engages with literature, showing growth and introspection.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to express his fears and vulnerabilities to Adele and their therapist. He wants to be understood and validated in his emotions.

External Goal: 6

Caden's external goal is to navigate his relationships with Adele and Hazel, seeking connection and understanding amidst his personal struggles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around the characters' emotional struggles and desires. The unexpected event of the falling man adds a touch of external conflict and tragedy.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with emotional conflicts and inner struggles driving the character interactions rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on the characters' inner turmoil and desires. The unexpected event of the falling man adds a touch of external stakes and tragedy to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' inner thoughts and struggles, revealing their emotional depth and desires. The unexpected event of the falling man adds a layer of intrigue and tragedy to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of emotional revelations and character interactions, but the raw honesty and taboo topics add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loneliness, guilt, and the desire for a fresh start. Adele's confession about fantasizing Caden's death challenges traditional notions of love and commitment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of melancholy, regret, and hope within the characters and the audience. The exploration of deep emotions and desires adds depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is rich in emotion and depth, revealing the inner turmoil and desires of the characters. It effectively conveys the themes of loneliness, guilt, and the search for a fresh start.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its raw and emotional dialogue, as well as the intimate revelations that deepen the characters' relationships and inner struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and intimacy to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to follow the dialogue and actions of the characters.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a traditional structure for intimate dialogue-driven scenes, allowing for a natural flow of emotions and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Caden's physical health concerns with Adele's emotional struggles, creating a layered narrative that reflects their complex relationship. However, the transition from the bathroom to the therapist's office feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Adele's line about fantasizing Caden's death is a powerful moment that reveals her deep-seated frustrations and feelings of entrapment. However, it could benefit from more context or buildup to make it feel less jarring. The audience might need a stronger emotional connection to Adele's character to fully grasp the weight of her statement.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Adele in the bedroom is realistic but could be more dynamic. Caden's concern about his health is overshadowed by Adele's misunderstanding, which could be played for both humor and tension. This moment could be an opportunity to explore their communication issues more deeply.
  • The therapist's response to Adele's confession is insightful, but it could be more impactful if it included a follow-up question or a prompt that encourages deeper exploration of Adele's feelings. This would not only enhance the therapist's role but also provide more depth to Adele's character.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, particularly in the transition from the bathroom to the therapist's office. The shift from a personal, intimate moment to a more clinical setting could be smoothed out with a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two environments.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of Caden reflecting on his health before he climbs into bed, which could heighten the tension and set the stage for Adele's misunderstanding.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Caden and Adele by incorporating more back-and-forth banter that highlights their communication struggles, allowing for both humor and tension.
  • Provide more context for Adele's feelings of loneliness and exhaustion before she reveals her dark fantasy. This could involve a brief flashback or a more detailed description of her emotional state.
  • Incorporate a visual or auditory cue that transitions the audience from the bathroom to the therapist's office, such as a sound of the toilet flushing or a moment of silence that emphasizes the shift in tone.
  • Consider having Madeline, the therapist, ask a follow-up question after Adele's confession to deepen the exploration of her feelings and create a more engaging therapeutic dialogue.



Scene 9 -  Artistic Tensions
20 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BATHROOM - 2006 - DAY 20

Caden enters. The plumber is working on the sink.

PLUMBER
Go ahead. I've seen boy parts.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 19.


21 INT. ADELE'S STUDIO - 2006 - DAY 21

The studio is a mess, the floor covered with paint. Adele,
in her paint-spattered clothing, works on a tiny canvas, an
inch square. She paints with a single-hair brush while
looking through a magnifying glass. Caden pokes his head in.

CADEN
Can I piss in your sink?

ADELE
Um, yeah, I guess.

Caden pisses in the sink in the corner of the studio. His
urine is amber. He finishes and peeks over Adele's shoulder,
through the magnifying glass at the painting. It's an
amazingly detailed and angrily colored painting of a woman in
a state of profound despair, screaming to the heavens, while
standing in a field of flames.

CADEN
It's gorgeous, Ad.

ADELE
Thanks. How was rehearsal?

CADEN
Awful. We have five hundred and
sixty lighting cues. I don't know
why I made it so complicated.

ADELE
It's what you do.

CADEN
Yeah. Anyway, we got through it.
I think you'll be impressed.

ADELE
Caden, listen, I'm really sorry. I
just can't go tonight.
(off his look)
I'm sorry. I've got to get two
canvases ready to ship. By
tomorrow. I know it sucks.

CADEN ADELE
But it's opening night. I know. I'm sorry. I would
go if I could.

CADEN
I have to get ready.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 20.
21 CONTINUED: 21

ADELE CADEN
I'll go tomorrow! We'll make I mean, I can't take a dump
tomorrow like the premiere! in your sink! What am I
supposed to do? I have to
get ready!

22 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER - 2006 - NIGHT 22

The theater is full. Caden stands nervously in the back.
The lights dim. Hazel looks back from her seat at Caden and
mouths the word "yay." He smiles. The curtain rises on a
dark stage. Tom, as Willy, gets out of the car parked center
stage and walks into the kitchen.

TOM (AS WILLY)
Oh boy, oh boy.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
Willy!

TOM (AS WILLY)
It's all right, I came back.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
Why? What happened?
(pause)
Did something happen, Willy?

TOM (AS WILLY)
No, nothing happened.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
You didn't smash the car, did you?

TOM (AS WILLY)
I said nothing happened. Didn't you
hear me?

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
Don't you feel well?

TOM (AS WILLY)
I'm tired to death. I couldn't make
it. I just couldn't make it, Linda.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
Where were you all day? You look
terrible.

TOM (AS WILLY)
I got as far as a little above
Yonkers. I stopped for a cup of
coffee... maybe it was the coffee.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 20A.
22 CONTINUED: 22

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
What?

TOM (AS WILLY)
I suddenly couldn't drive any more.
The car kept going off onto the
shoulder, y'know?

The audience is rapt. Caden relaxes.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden enters Adele's studio, where she is deeply focused on her painting. He asks to use her sink, and they discuss his anxiety about the upcoming opening night of his play, which Adele cannot attend due to her own commitments. Caden feels frustrated and unsupported, highlighting the conflict between their personal and professional lives. The scene captures a mix of humor, artistic passion, and emotional tension as Caden prepares for his premiere.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a mix of tension, reflection, and emotional depth. It effectively explores the inner thoughts and struggles of the characters while moving the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' inner turmoil and relationships in various settings is compelling. The scene effectively conveys the themes of loneliness, exhaustion, and the complexities of human emotions.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced through the characters' interactions and revelations, adding depth to the overall story. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of artistic struggles and personal relationships, with unique character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically. The scene allows for insight into their inner thoughts and struggles, enhancing the audience's connection to them.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations, particularly Adele expressing her feelings of loneliness and exhaustion. These changes add depth to their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to seek validation and support from Adele, as well as to manage his own anxieties about his upcoming performance.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to prepare for his opening night performance and deal with the challenges of a complicated lighting setup.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there are tensions and conflicts present, they are more internal and emotional rather than external. The scene focuses more on character development and introspection.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, adding complexity and tension to the characters' interactions and motivations.

High Stakes: 6

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters in terms of their relationships and personal struggles, there are no immediate life-threatening situations present in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important aspects of the characters' relationships and inner thoughts. It sets up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected humor and emotional revelations that arise from the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' dedication to their art and the sacrifices they must make for their creative pursuits.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the characters' struggles and revelations. The themes of loneliness and exhaustion resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, emotional depth, and relatable character dynamics that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and emotional depth, leading to a satisfying resolution that sets up future conflicts and developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with well-paced dialogue and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Caden and Adele, highlighting their individual struggles and the impact of their careers on their relationship. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, Caden's frustration about Adele missing the opening night could be more layered, revealing not just disappointment but also feelings of abandonment or insecurity about his work.
  • The visual elements, such as Adele's detailed painting and the chaotic state of her studio, serve to symbolize her emotional state and the disconnect between her and Caden. However, the description of the painting could be more evocative, perhaps by including Caden's emotional reaction to it, which would enhance the thematic resonance of despair and artistic struggle.
  • The humor in the plumber's line and Caden's request to urinate in the sink adds a light-hearted touch, but it risks undermining the emotional weight of the scene. Balancing humor with the underlying tension is crucial; consider whether this moment serves the overall tone or detracts from the gravity of Caden's situation.
  • The transition from Caden's bathroom to Adele's studio feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene, perhaps by incorporating Caden's thoughts or feelings as he moves from one space to another, reflecting on the chaos of his life.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Adele is functional but lacks emotional depth. Their exchanges could be more dynamic, with each character revealing more about their internal conflicts. For example, Adele's apology could be more heartfelt, and Caden's response could reflect his vulnerability rather than just frustration.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to Caden's dialogue to convey deeper emotional layers regarding his feelings about Adele's absence on opening night.
  • Enhance the description of Adele's painting to reflect Caden's emotional response, tying it more closely to the themes of despair and artistic struggle.
  • Consider toning down the humor in the plumber's line or finding a way to integrate it more seamlessly into the emotional context of the scene.
  • Create a smoother transition between Caden's bathroom and Adele's studio by incorporating Caden's internal thoughts or feelings as he moves between spaces.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more emotional depth, allowing both Caden and Adele to express their vulnerabilities and frustrations more dynamically.



Scene 10 -  Moments of Connection
23 INT. QUINCY'S, BACK ROOM - 2006 - NIGHT 23

The cast party is in full swing. The opening was a success.
Lots of drinking. Caden chats with Claire. Hazel watches
from across the room.

CLAIRE
(scrunching her nose)
Ugh, I hated myself tonight. Plus
I'm so bloated and enormous.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 21.
23 CONTINUED: 23

CADEN CLAIRE
No. You looked great. You I thought Tom was amazing!
were great. I was very
pleased.

CADEN
Yeah. Absolutely.
(squints suddenly)
Sorry. I have a bit of a headache.

CLAIRE
(kisses his forehead)
I just want to thank you for
everything. You've been absolutely
brilliant and it's going to be
miserable going ahead without you.

CADEN
I'll be around. I'll check in.

She gets teary, gives him a kiss on the cheek.

CLAIRE
God, I'm such a baby.

She just looks at him and smiles and nods.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
I'm going to get drunk, that's
what.

CADEN
Ok, Claire.

She backs away and gets lost in the crowd. Caden massages
his temples. Suddenly Hazel is next to him.

HAZEL
I figured I'd better get in fast.

CADEN
Hey!

HAZEL
I loved it! And, by the way,
Claire is trouble. And not
terribly bright.

Caden laughs.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Just wanted you to know the word on
the street.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 22.
23 CONTINUED: (2) 23

CADEN
So you liked it?

HAZEL
Are you kidding? I cried for like
fifteen minutes after. I loved
every minute of it. Except Claire.
I thought she was weak.

CADEN
Easy on the eyes.

HAZEL
Oh, Caden, not you, too. What I
want to know is why she started
crying in her last monologue, right
after she had the line, 'I can't
cry for you Willy...'?

CADEN
(laughing)
She felt very strongly that it was
right.

They sip their drinks.

HAZEL
Where's el wife-o?

CADEN
Had to work. Her Berlin show is in
two weeks. We're going to spend
like a month there.

HAZEL
Ah.

CADEN
Ah.

HAZEL
Ah.

CADEN
Choo!

HAZEL
Hooray! We've still got it!
(pause)
I'll miss you.

CADEN
Yeah, me too.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 22A.
23 CONTINUED: (3) 23

HAZEL CADEN
You're going to miss you? Yeah, that's it.

HAZEL
(pause)
Why do I like you so much?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 23.
23 CONTINUED: (4) 23

CADEN
I couldn't begin to guess.

HAZEL
(sighing)
Me neither. It must be that you're
married. Do you get high, my
friend?

CADEN
Y'know. Sometimes.

HAZEL
You want to now? With me.
In my car.

CADEN HAZEL
I don't know. Come on, it's a party.

CADEN
I get kind of... something when I'm
stoned.

HAZEL
What does something mean?

CADEN HAZEL
I don't know. Bothered? What does bothered mean?

CADEN
Y'know... bothered. Horny.

HAZEL
And me with a station wagon and
all. Could be dangerous.

CADEN
(laughing)
Yeah, it really could.

HAZEL
You're absolutely zero fun.

CADEN
You know I wish I could.

HAZEL
Jesus, I like you. I'm going.

CADEN
You're not staying for the reviews?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 24.
23 CONTINUED: (5) 23

HAZEL
I know it's brilliant. I don't
need some dope with elbow patches
telling me.

She smiles, gives him a hug, and heads toward the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary During a lively cast party celebrating their successful opening night, Caden comforts Claire as she expresses her insecurities about her performance. Hazel then joins Caden, engaging in playful banter about the play and their feelings. She invites him to smoke in her car, but he declines, choosing to maintain their friendship. The scene captures a mix of vulnerability and light-heartedness as the characters navigate their emotions amidst the celebration.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Camaraderie
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Lack of significant character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively balances humor and introspection, offering a glimpse into the characters' dynamics and emotions. The witty dialogue and light-hearted tone create an engaging atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the relationships and dynamics within the theater community is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the camaraderie and humor present in such settings.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the interactions between Caden and Hazel at a cast party, providing insights into their personalities and relationships. The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the dynamics of a cast party, exploring the complexities of relationships and personal connections within the theater world. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed and engaging. Their witty banter and camaraderie add depth to the scene, making it memorable and entertaining.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the audience's understanding of Caden and Hazel's relationship and personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of connection and support with the people around him, particularly Claire and Hazel. He wants to show appreciation and care for them despite his own personal struggles.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics of the cast party and maintain positive relationships with his colleagues. He also wants to handle the situation with Hazel tactfully.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The scene has a low level of conflict, focusing more on character interactions and camaraderie. The conflict present is subtle and adds depth to the relationships portrayed.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and desires driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left uncertain of how the relationships will unfold.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and camaraderie. The scene serves to deepen the audience's connection to the characters rather than raise the stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing insights into the characters' relationships and dynamics. It deepens the audience's understanding of the theater world and the characters' experiences.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the shifting dynamics between them. The audience is left unsure of how the relationships will evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to maintain professional relationships and his personal feelings towards Claire and Hazel. He must balance his loyalty to his wife and his attraction to Hazel.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and camaraderie, creating an emotional connection with the characters. The humor and reflective moments add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reflective, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationships. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the audience's connection to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the witty dialogue, and the underlying tension and conflict that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action that keeps the scene moving forward. The rhythm of the interactions adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the overall readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and interaction, with a clear progression of events that build tension and conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the celebratory atmosphere of a cast party, but it could benefit from deeper emotional stakes. Caden's interactions with Claire and Hazel hint at underlying tensions and unresolved feelings, particularly regarding his marriage and his connection with Hazel. This could be emphasized further to create a more compelling conflict.
  • The dialogue is witty and flows naturally, but some exchanges feel a bit superficial. For instance, Hazel's comments about Claire could be expanded to reveal more about her character and her relationship with Caden. This would add layers to their dynamic and make the audience more invested in their interactions.
  • Caden's headache is mentioned but not explored. This could serve as a metaphor for his emotional turmoil and the pressures he faces, particularly in light of his health concerns. By integrating this physical discomfort into the emotional landscape of the scene, the writer could enhance the thematic depth.
  • The scene ends with Hazel leaving, which is a strong moment, but it could be more impactful if Caden's internal conflict is more pronounced. A brief moment of reflection or hesitation from Caden as Hazel departs could underscore his feelings of longing and confusion, making the audience feel the weight of his choices.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Caden reflects on his relationship with Adele while talking to Hazel, which could deepen the emotional stakes and highlight his internal conflict.
  • Expand Hazel's critique of Claire to include more personal insights about her own insecurities or experiences, which would create a richer dialogue and enhance character development.
  • Incorporate Caden's headache as a recurring motif throughout the scene, using it to symbolize his emotional distress and the chaos of his life, perhaps through visual cues or physical reactions.
  • End the scene with a more poignant moment, such as Caden watching Hazel leave and contemplating his feelings, which would provide a stronger emotional resonance and set up future interactions.



Scene 11 -  Contemplations of Loneliness
24 INT. HAZEL'S CAR - 2006 - NIGHT 24

Hazel drives down a dark street, crying. People watch her
passing car from various windows. There's a run-over dog,
lit by a streetlight, glistening on the side of the road.

25 EXT. RESIDENTIAL SCHENECTADY STREET - 2006 - A FEW MOMENTS 25
LATER

Hazel studies the dog. It's a bloody, gutty mess, squashed
flat. Against all odds, it's still alive. Its head is
lolling. She bends down to pet it.

HAZEL
You're not going to make it, baby.

26 INT. HAZEL'S BATHROOM (APARTMENT) - 2006 - NIGHT 26

Hazel takes off her make-up, hair back in a clip. She
watches herself blankly in the mirror, somewhat erased
without eye make-up. The run-over dog is sleeping in a box
on the floor.

27 INT. QUINCY'S, BACK ROOM - 2006 - ABOUT DAWN 27

The party has thinned out. The remaining people are sitting
around a table, drinking. Claire, next to Caden, rests her
head, sleepily drunk, against his shoulder. Caden studies a
series of lumps under the skin of his arm.

CLAIRE
What are you going to do now?

CADEN
I'm going to Berlin for a month for
my wife's show. Then I don't know.

CLAIRE
I wish I was your wife or a wife or
had a wife. Or was German even.
I'm so lonely with none of those
things.

A man walks in with a bunch of newspapers.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 25.
27 CONTINUED: 27

CADEN
Yay or nay?

28 EXT. BURNING HOUSE - 2006 - DAY 28

Hazel gets out of her car and walks up to a neat little house
on a street of neat little houses. Faint swirls of smoke
escape from the windows. She rings the doorbell. The button
is hot; Hazel pulls her finger away.

29 INT. BURNING HOUSE - 2006 - A FEW MOMENTS LATER 29

The rooms are hazy. The realtor coughs a little. Hazel
surveys the scene.

HAZEL
I've always loved this house.

REALTOR HAZEL
Yes. It's a wonderful place. The truth is, I never really
imagined I could afford it.

REALTOR
The sellers are very motivated now.

HAZEL
It's a scary decision. I never
thought I'd buy a house alone.
But, y'know, I'm 36, and I wonder
what I'm really waiting for.

REALTOR HAZEL
Home-buying is always scary. But I mean with the fire and
all especially.

REALTOR
It's a good size though, twenty-two
hundred square feet. Not including
the partially-finished basement

HAZEL REALTOR
I don't know. I'm thinking I It's a perfect size for
should go. someone alone.

HAZEL
I like it, I do. But I'm really
concerned about dying in the fire.

REALTOR
It's a big decision, how one
prefers to die. Would you like to
meet my son? Derek?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 26.
29 CONTINUED: 29

Derek, 40 and scruffily handsome, appears around a corner.

DEREK REALTOR
Hey, Mom. Derek's living in the
basement since his divorce.
If that's okay.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a somber night scene, Hazel drives through a dark street, visibly upset after encountering an injured dog. She expresses her sorrow for the creature's plight before returning home to remove her makeup, reflecting on her emotional turmoil. Meanwhile, at a party, Caden and Claire discuss their feelings of loneliness and connection, with Caden preparing for a trip to Berlin. The scene shifts to Hazel visiting a burning house with a realtor, where she grapples with the fear of making a significant life decision. The introduction of the realtor's son, Derek, living in the basement adds another layer to the narrative, leaving Hazel's choice unresolved and her emotional struggles palpable.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and reflection through the characters' dialogue and actions. The themes of loneliness and uncertainty are well-developed, creating a poignant atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring loneliness, regret, and decision-making through the lens of different characters is well-executed in the scene. The juxtaposition of Hazel's emotional state with her contemplation of buying a house alone adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Hazel's emotional journey and her decision-making process, which drives the character interactions and thematic exploration. The introduction of Hazel's potential house purchase adds an intriguing layer to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of loneliness, fear, and mortality, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, especially Hazel, are well-developed and complex. Their interactions and dialogue reveal layers of emotion and inner conflict, enhancing the overall narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Hazel undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, grappling with loneliness, regret, and the fear of making decisions. Her interactions with others and her internal reflections lead to a subtle but impactful character change.

Internal Goal: 8

Hazel's internal goal is to confront her fears and loneliness, as seen through her interactions with the run-over dog and her contemplation of buying a house alone.

External Goal: 7

Hazel's external goal is to make a decision about buying the house and facing the reality of living alone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with loneliness, regret, and decision-making. There is a sense of tension and uncertainty, but it is not driven by external factors.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, creating internal conflicts and emotional dilemmas for the characters.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on Hazel's personal struggles with loneliness, regret, and decision-making. While not high in a traditional sense, they are significant for the character's development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Hazel's emotional state and decision-making process, providing insight into her character and setting up potential future developments. It adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and character decisions, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the fear of death and the uncertainty of the future, challenging Hazel's beliefs about independence and mortality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, contemplation, and empathy for the characters' struggles. The exploration of loneliness and regret resonates with the audience on a deep emotional level.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions, thoughts, and fears of the characters. The conversations feel authentic and contribute to the development of the characters and themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, relatable themes, and compelling character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the overall impact of the character interactions and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' emotional journeys and narrative progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Hazel's emotional turmoil through the juxtaposition of her crying in the car and her interaction with the injured dog. This creates a strong visual metaphor for her own suffering and sense of helplessness, which resonates with the audience.
  • The transition from Hazel's car to her bathroom is smooth, but the emotional weight could be enhanced by adding more internal dialogue or reflection from Hazel as she removes her makeup. This could deepen the audience's understanding of her character and her feelings of erasure and loss.
  • The dialogue in the party scene is somewhat disjointed, particularly with Claire's line about wishing to be Caden's wife. While it conveys her loneliness, it feels slightly out of place given the context of the party. A more natural flow of conversation could enhance the realism of the scene.
  • The introduction of the realtor and Derek feels abrupt. While it serves to introduce new characters, their dialogue lacks depth and could benefit from more context or backstory to make them feel more integral to the narrative.
  • The humor in the realtor's comment about how one prefers to die is dark but could be more impactful if it were tied more closely to Hazel's emotional state. This would create a stronger thematic connection between her fears and the absurdity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding Hazel's internal thoughts or feelings as she interacts with the dog and later in the bathroom. This could provide insight into her emotional state and enhance the audience's connection to her character.
  • Revise Claire's dialogue to make it feel more organic within the context of the party. Perhaps she could express her feelings of loneliness in a way that relates more directly to the ongoing celebration, creating a more cohesive atmosphere.
  • Expand on the introduction of the realtor and Derek by providing a brief backstory or context for their characters. This could help the audience understand their significance in Hazel's journey and make their interactions feel less abrupt.
  • Enhance the humor in the realtor's dialogue by tying it more closely to Hazel's fears. This could create a more poignant moment that highlights the absurdity of her situation while still addressing her emotional struggles.
  • Consider using visual motifs or symbols throughout the scene to reinforce Hazel's emotional journey. For example, the state of the burning house could parallel her internal chaos, creating a more cohesive narrative thread.



Scene 12 -  Celebration and Reflection
30 INT. ADELE AND CADEN'S LIVING ROOM - 2006 - DAWN 30

Caden enters. Adele sits at the table across from Maria, 40.
They are drunk and eating nachos.

ADELE CADEN
Hey. Hey.

MARIA
Hi, Caden. How'd it go?

CADEN
Hi. It's late.

ADELE
Maria came over to keep me company
and we lost track. I'm sorry I
missed the play. But I got
everything done here. How'd it go?

CADEN
We're a hit. Reviews are great.
New York Times said it was
brilliant to cast young actors as
Willy and Linda.

ADELE MARIA
Great. That's great, Caden! Good
for you!

ADELE
I'll see it tomorrow. Tonight!

Adele and Maria laugh.

MARIA ADELE
Jesus, it is late. Early! Can we get a ticket for
I'd love to see it, too. Maria?

Adele smiles.

CADEN
Are you stoned?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 26A.
30 CONTINUED: 30

ADELE
A little. I don't know. Y'know?
I mean, are you happy with it?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 27.
30 CONTINUED: (2) 30

CADEN
Yeah. Love to know what you think.

ADELE
It doesn't matter what I think.

MARIA
Absolutely! It's all about your
artistic satisfaction, Caden.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a cozy living room at dawn, Caden finds Adele and Maria enjoying nachos and drinks, celebrating his successful play. Adele, slightly inebriated, expresses regret for missing the performance but is excited to see it the next day. Maria supports Caden's achievements, while Adele questions the significance of her opinion on his work. Despite Caden's reassurance, Adele remains dismissive of her perspective. The scene captures a light-hearted yet introspective moment as they share laughter and Caden reflects on his artistic satisfaction.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Natural character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of camaraderie and humor among the characters, providing insight into their relationships and personalities. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about Caden's play's success.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around celebrating Caden's success and exploring the dynamics between the characters in a casual setting. It effectively introduces new information and sets the stage for potential conflicts or resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Caden shares the positive reviews of his play with Adele and Maria, leading to discussions about attending the show and artistic satisfaction. The scene adds depth to the characters and hints at future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring themes of artistic satisfaction and validation through casual and realistic dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Caden's pride in his work, Adele's casual attitude, and Maria's supportive nature are all evident in the dialogue.

Character Changes: 4

There are subtle hints at character dynamics and relationships, but no significant changes occur in this scene. The focus is more on establishing the characters' personalities and interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek validation and approval for his work, as seen through Caden's desire for Adele's opinion on his play.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to share his success with his friends and loved ones, as seen through Caden's excitement about the positive reviews of his play.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on light-hearted banter and celebration. The conflict is minimal, allowing the characters to interact in a positive and relaxed manner.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with Adele and Maria challenging Caden's need for external validation.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal interactions and celebrations rather than intense conflicts or high-risk situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Caden's success and setting the stage for potential conflicts or developments. It provides important information about the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' shifting emotions and the underlying tension between seeking validation and artistic satisfaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between seeking external validation and finding internal artistic satisfaction. Adele and Maria emphasize the importance of Caden's artistic satisfaction, while Caden seeks validation from others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and camaraderie, but the emotional impact is not intense. The light-hearted tone and casual interactions keep the audience engaged without eliciting strong emotions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important aspects of the characters' relationships and personalities. It flows naturally and adds depth to the scene, keeping the audience entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the casual setting, and the underlying tension of seeking validation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through natural dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character introductions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character interactions, contributing to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of celebration and tension between Caden and Adele, highlighting their strained relationship. However, the dialogue feels somewhat disjointed, particularly in the transitions between characters. The flow could be improved to create a more cohesive conversation.
  • Adele's drunken state adds a layer of complexity to her character, but it might be beneficial to explore her emotional state further. Is she using alcohol to cope with her feelings about missing the play? This could deepen the audience's understanding of her character and her relationship with Caden.
  • Caden's response to Adele's question about his happiness with the play feels somewhat flat. This is a pivotal moment where he could express deeper emotions about his work and the lack of support from Adele. Adding more internal conflict or vulnerability could enhance the scene's emotional impact.
  • Maria's role in the scene is somewhat passive. While she provides a supportive presence, giving her a more active role in the conversation could help balance the dynamics between the three characters. This could also serve to highlight the tension between Caden and Adele more effectively.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with Adele's stoned state, is a nice touch, but it risks undermining the seriousness of the underlying issues in Caden and Adele's relationship. Striking a better balance between humor and the emotional weight of the scene could enhance its overall effectiveness.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create smoother transitions between characters, allowing for a more natural flow of conversation.
  • Explore Adele's emotional state more deeply, perhaps by incorporating her thoughts or feelings about missing the play and how it affects her relationship with Caden.
  • Encourage Caden to express more vulnerability regarding his feelings about the play and the lack of support from Adele, which could add depth to his character.
  • Give Maria a more active role in the conversation, perhaps by prompting discussions or challenging Caden and Adele, which could create more tension and engagement.
  • Aim for a better balance between humor and emotional depth, ensuring that the comedic elements do not overshadow the serious themes present in the scene.



Scene 13 -  Whispers of Loss
31 EXT. RESIDENTIAL SCHENECTADY STREET - SPRING 2006 - DAY 31

Caden and Olive walk along. Caden holds a tax envelope. His
face has pustules on it. The gaunt man follows.

OLIVE
What's wrong with your face, Daddy?

CADEN
It's pustules. It's called
sycosis. Spelled differently than
psychosis, but it sounds the same.

OLIVE
I don't know what that means.

CADEN
Well, there's two different kinds
of psychosis. They're spelled
differently. P-s-y is like if
you're crazy and s-y is like these
things on my face.

OLIVE
You could have both though.

CADEN
I could. But I don't.

OLIVE
Okay, pretend we're fairies. I'm a
girl fairy and my name is ...
La-ru...lee. And you're a boy
fairy and your name is Teeteree.

CADEN
Ok.

OLIVE
What's my name again?

CADEN
La-ru-lee.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 28.
31 CONTINUED: 31

OLIVE
No. I said ... La-ru-la...ay.

32 INT. SCHENECTADY POST OFFICE - SPRING 2006 - CONTINUOUS 32

Caden and Olive are at the back of the long line of people.

OLIVE
Pretend we fight each other. And I
say stop hitting me or I'll die.
And you say okay, but you're
fibbing. And you hit me again.

CADEN
Okay.

OLIVE
Okay. Let's go. Hit me.

They pretend to hit each other. Olive makes hissing and
roaring noises. She stops.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Okay. You have to stop hitting me
now or I will die.

CADEN
Okay.

He stops.

OLIVE
No! Pretend you're fibbing!
Remember?

He mock hits her again. She falls.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
Now I have to die.
(beat)
Pretend you say you don't want me
to die.

CADEN
I don't want you to die.

OLIVE
(compassionate whisper)
But I have to.

CADEN
But I'll miss you.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 29.
32 CONTINUED: 32

OLIVE
I have to. And you'll have to wait
a million years to see me again.

Caden tears up at this and tries to conceal it.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
And I'll be put in a box. And all
I'll need is a tiny glass of water.
And lots of -- tiny pieces of
pizza. And the box will have
wings, like an airplane.

CADEN
Where will it take you?

OLIVE
(thinks)
Home.

33 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER - SPRING 2006 - NIGHT 33

Performance in progress. There is now a cemetery on stage.
Linda, Biff, and other characters stand around a gravesite.
Caden sits in the audience between Adele and Maria and his
parents. He glances over at Adele's stony face. Maria is
drunk and blurry.

DAVIS (AS BIFF)
Let's go, Mom.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA)
I'll be with you in a minute. Go
on, Charley. I want to, just a
minute.

The other characters exit the stage.

CLAIRE (AS LINDA) (CONT’D)
(talking to the grave)
I never had a chance to say good-
bye. Forgive me, dear. I can't cry.
(begins to cry)
I don't understand it; I can't cry.
It seems to me that you're just on
another trip. I keep expecting you.
Willy, dear, why did you do it? I
search and search and I search, and
I can 't understand it, Willy. I
made the last payment on the house
today. Today, dear. And there'll be
nobody home. We're free and clear…
We're free… We're free… We're free…


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 29A.
33 CONTINUED: 33

The stage lights go dark.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden and his daughter Olive stroll through a Schenectady neighborhood, where Caden shares his struggles with sycosis while engaging in imaginative play. Their playful interactions take a poignant turn as Olive pretends to die, prompting a heartfelt conversation about loss and longing. The scene shifts to a theater performance featuring a graveyard, reflecting the emotional weight of their earlier dialogue. The juxtaposition of innocence and melancholy underscores the complexities of their relationship as they navigate serious themes together.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Imaginative dialogue
  • Theatrical performance
Weaknesses
  • Pacing may be slow for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively combines the imaginative playfulness of Caden and Olive with the emotional weight of the 'Death of a Salesman' performance, creating a rich tapestry of themes and emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring mortality and loss through the imaginative play of a father and daughter, juxtaposed with a poignant theatrical performance, is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is driven by the emotional connection between Caden and Olive, as well as the parallel themes presented in the 'Death of a Salesman' performance.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring father-daughter dynamics through imaginative play and emotional vulnerability. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters of Caden and Olive are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their emotional depth and the bond between them. The performance of 'Death of a Salesman' also adds layers to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the emotional depth and vulnerability displayed by Caden and Olive contribute to subtle shifts in their understanding of mortality and loss.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to connect with his daughter Olive and navigate their imaginative play together, reflecting his desire for a meaningful relationship with her despite his struggles.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to accompany Olive to the post office and the theater, reflecting his role as a father and caregiver.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict in the scene, particularly in the conversation about mortality, the overall conflict level is moderate.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with Olive's imaginative play providing a small obstacle for Caden to navigate, adding tension and emotional depth.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and existential, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and reflections on mortality rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward thematically by delving into the emotional core of the characters and setting up potential developments in their relationships and perspectives.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in Olive's imaginative play and Caden's emotional response, adding layers to their relationship dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in Caden's struggle to balance his own emotional turmoil with Olive's innocence and imagination, challenging his beliefs about parenthood and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, compassion, and reflection through the interactions between Caden and Olive, as well as the performance of 'Death of a Salesman'.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Caden and Olive is poignant and reflective, capturing the innocence and wisdom of a child's perspective on mortality. The dialogue in the 'Death of a Salesman' performance is also impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and the exploration of complex family dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with playful interactions, creating a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that transitions smoothly between locations and character interactions, maintaining the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the innocence of childhood through Olive's imaginative play, which contrasts with Caden's serious health issues. This juxtaposition adds depth to their relationship, highlighting the emotional weight Caden carries as a father.
  • Caden's explanation of sycosis and psychosis is a clever way to introduce a serious topic in a light-hearted manner, but it may be too complex for a four-year-old. Simplifying this dialogue could enhance the believability of their interaction.
  • The transition from playful banter to a poignant moment about death is well-executed, showcasing the emotional stakes for Caden. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtlety; Olive's line about needing a tiny glass of water and pizza feels a bit too scripted and could be more organic.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the shift from playful fighting to the topic of death could be smoother. The dialogue feels slightly forced in places, particularly when Caden tries to conceal his tears. More natural reactions could enhance the authenticity of the moment.
  • The visual elements, such as Caden's pustules and the setting of a residential street, effectively ground the scene in reality. However, the emotional weight of Caden's condition could be emphasized further through his physical reactions or expressions, rather than just dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider simplifying the explanation of sycosis and psychosis to make it more accessible for Olive's age. Perhaps Caden could say something like, 'It's just a funny word for bumps on my face.'
  • Enhance the organic feel of the dialogue by allowing Olive to express her thoughts in a more childlike manner. For example, instead of saying she has to die, she could say something like, 'But I have to go away for a long time.'
  • To improve the transition from play to the topic of death, consider adding a moment where Caden reflects on his feelings before responding to Olive. This could be a brief pause or a change in his tone that indicates the shift in mood.
  • Incorporate more physicality into Caden's reactions to Olive's imaginative play. For instance, he could visibly struggle to maintain his composure when Olive talks about dying, perhaps by looking away or taking a deep breath before responding.
  • Explore the emotional landscape of the scene further by adding a moment where Caden shares a memory or a thought about his own childhood, which could deepen the connection between him and Olive and provide context for his emotional state.



Scene 14 -  Artistic Tensions
34 EXT. URBAN-ISH SCHENECTADY STREET - SPRING 2006 - NIGHT 34

Caden, Adele, Maria, and his parents walk along.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 30.
34 CONTINUED: 34

CADEN ADELE
I just -- I don't know what it matters
what I think.

CADEN'S MOTHER
I loved the story. So interesting.


CADEN ADELE
Because your opinion is -- It was good. It was well
done. It was very ...
successful.

MARIA
Oh, I thought it was wonnnderful!

CADEN'S FATHER
Why were the old people so young?

CADEN ADELE
It was a choice, Dad. I'll Nothing. But nothing.
explain later. (pause)
(to Adele) I can't get excited about
But? your restaging someone else's
old play. There's nothing
personal in it.

CADEN CADEN’S FATHER
I put my soul into that I mean, they were younger
thing. than their kids. That
doesn’t make sense.

ADELE
Do you really believe that tripe?

CADEN CADEN’S MOTHER
Wow. It's not tripe. Jesus. I liked that the old people
were so young. It was
interesting.

ADELE (CONT’D)
Ok, fine. But it's not you. It's
not anyone. It's not real.

CADEN ADELE
People come out crying, Great. Be a fucking tool of
saying their lives are suburban blue-hair regional
changed and -- theater subscribers. But
what are you leaving behind?
You act as if you have
forever to figure it out.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 30A.
34 CONTINUED: (2) 34

CADEN
Why are you being like this?

Adele has a coughing fit.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 31.
34 CONTINUED: (3) 34

ADELE CADEN
I'm not being like anything. Are you seeing someone else?

ADELE
Is that your entire frame of
reference for relationship
problems?

CADEN
No. I don't know. It's a
stressful time. Our shows. The
whole health thing.

ADELE
Oh, you're fine.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary On a spring night in Schenectady, Caden, Adele, Maria, and Caden's parents walk along a street discussing Caden's play. Caden feels frustrated by Adele's harsh criticism, while his family offers mixed support. The conversation escalates into a confrontation about authenticity in Caden's work and their relationship. As tensions rise, Adele's health issues become apparent when she suffers a coughing fit, underscoring the emotional strain of the moment.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional intensity of a family disagreement, showcasing conflicting viewpoints and unresolved issues within the relationships. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing deep-seated frustrations and insecurities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family dynamics through a heated argument about art and personal expression is compelling and adds depth to the characters and their relationships. It provides insight into their values and insecurities.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around the family disagreement, which serves as a pivotal moment in the narrative. It reveals underlying conflicts and sets the stage for further developments in the relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the conflict between art and commerce, with authentic dialogue that captures the characters' inner struggles.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and layered. Each character's unique perspective and emotional depth contribute to the intensity of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional shifts and confrontations that reveal new aspects of their personalities and relationships. The argument prompts introspection and self-reflection, leading to potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to defend his artistic choices and express his personal investment in his work. This reflects his need for validation and recognition as a creative individual.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a conflict with his partner regarding their relationship and artistic endeavors. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in balancing personal and professional life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, artistic, and relational tensions that drive the emotional dynamics between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional clashes that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of personal identity, artistic integrity, and relational dynamics, as the characters grapple with their values, beliefs, and emotional connections.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflicts and tensions within the relationships, setting the stage for further developments and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional outbursts and shifting dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between artistic integrity and commercial success. Adele represents the commercial mindset, while Caden values personal expression and authenticity in his work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of tension, frustration, and vulnerability in the characters and the audience. The raw emotions and conflicting perspectives create a powerful dramatic effect.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and complexity of the family dynamics, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict and sharp dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the characters' relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' conflicts and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene, with clear character cues and transitions.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a standard format for character-driven dialogue scenes, with clear interactions and conflicts between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Caden and Adele, showcasing their differing perspectives on art and personal expression. However, the dialogue can feel somewhat disjointed at times, making it challenging for the audience to follow the emotional stakes. The back-and-forth between characters lacks a clear rhythm, which can detract from the impact of their arguments.
  • Caden's frustration with Adele's criticism is palpable, but the scene could benefit from more subtext. Instead of directly stating their feelings, the characters could express their emotions through actions or more nuanced dialogue. This would allow the audience to infer the deeper issues at play, enhancing the dramatic tension.
  • The introduction of Caden's parents adds an interesting dynamic, but their comments feel somewhat superficial and do not contribute significantly to the conflict. Their presence could be used more effectively to highlight the generational differences in perspectives on art and success, perhaps by having them engage more deeply in the conversation.
  • Adele's coughing fit serves as a physical manifestation of her stress, but it feels abrupt and could be better integrated into the flow of the scene. This moment could be used to emphasize her vulnerability and the strain in their relationship, allowing for a more poignant emotional beat.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat unresolved note, which can be effective in conveying the ongoing tension in their relationship. However, it may leave the audience feeling unsatisfied if there is no clear indication of how this conflict will evolve. A stronger closing line or action could provide a more impactful conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create a more natural flow, allowing characters to interrupt or build on each other's points more organically. This can enhance the realism of their conversation and increase emotional stakes.
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue. Instead of having characters explicitly state their feelings, allow them to express their emotions through their reactions and body language, creating a richer emotional landscape.
  • Utilize Caden's parents more effectively by giving them lines that reflect their own experiences and opinions on art, which could serve to deepen the conflict and provide additional layers to the discussion.
  • Integrate Adele's coughing fit more seamlessly into the dialogue, perhaps by having it interrupt a particularly heated moment, emphasizing the physical toll of their emotional struggles.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a significant action at the end of the scene that encapsulates the unresolved tension, leaving the audience with a stronger emotional takeaway.



Scene 15 -  Morning Tensions
35 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S LIVING ROOM - SPRING 2006 - MORNING 35

Caden, in shorts and t-shirt, tiptoes past his parents,
sleeping on the fold-out couch.

36 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S KITCHEN - SPRING 2006 - MORNING 36

Adele sits at the kitchen table with Olive. She drinks
coffee and talks on the phone. Olive eats cereal and watches
a cartoon. Caden enters. Olive doesn't look away from her
show. A cartoon jackal talks to a man who looks like Caden.

JACKAL
When you are dead there is no time.
The world is a timeless rock.

Caden pours a cup of coffee, sits down at the table.

CADEN
I think I might have arthritis.

Adele continues to talk on the phone.

ADELE
No, I know. Exactly.

Caden picks up the newspaper. It's dated May 25th, 2006. He
flips through, finds the obituaries and starts to read.

ADELE (CONT'D)
Ok. All right. Yeah. Ok, bye.

Adele hangs up the phone, looks at the paper.

CADEN
My joints are stiff. Who was that?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 32.
36 CONTINUED: 36

ADELE
Maria.

CADEN
Right. It's been three hours since
you spoke.

ADELE
Caden, I think I want to go to
Berlin with just Olive.

Caden looks up.

ADELE (CONT'D)
I think it would be good for us.

Silence. Caden's father appears in the doorway.

CADEN'S FATHER CADEN
Morning, kiddos. (to Adele)
Christ. Is this about last
night?

Caden's father smiles, nods, and exits.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the kitchen of Caden and Adele's home, Caden quietly enters while his parents sleep in the living room. He shares his health concerns with Adele, who is preoccupied on a phone call, and later expresses her desire to travel to Berlin with their daughter Olive. Caden is taken aback by this news, highlighting the growing tension in their relationship. The scene captures the disconnection between Caden and Adele, underscored by the mundane morning routine and unresolved conflicts, as Caden's father briefly acknowledges the situation before exiting.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character depth
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the tension and introspection of the characters, setting up potential conflicts and character development. The dialogue is realistic and reveals underlying emotions, adding depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal struggles, health concerns, and relationship dynamics in a family setting is compelling and adds layers to the characters' development. The scene effectively introduces new conflicts and potential resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing Adele's desire to travel to Berlin, setting up potential conflicts and character arcs. The scene moves the story forward by revealing personal revelations and uncertainties.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar domestic settings and family dynamics but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' internal struggles and emotional conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with realistic emotions and motivations driving their interactions. Adele's internal conflict and Caden's health concerns add depth to their personalities, setting up potential growth and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character changes, particularly in Adele's desire to travel to Berlin and Caden's health concerns. These revelations set the stage for future growth and conflicts within the family dynamic.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to address his physical discomfort and possibly his emotional discomfort as well. This reflects his deeper need for comfort and stability.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal in this scene is to understand Adele's desire to go to Berlin with Olive and possibly address any underlying issues in their relationship. This reflects the immediate challenge of potential separation and communication breakdown.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and uncertainties. Adele's desire to travel to Berlin and Caden's health concerns introduce potential conflicts and tensions within the family dynamic.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Adele's desire to go to Berlin conflicting with Caden's discomfort and concern. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are primarily internal, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and uncertainties. Adele's desire to travel to Berlin and Caden's health concerns introduce potential conflicts and tensions within the family dynamic.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, character revelations, and uncertainties. Adele's desire to travel to Berlin and Caden's health concerns add complexity to the narrative, setting up potential plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected emotional revelations and character dynamics. The audience is left unsure of the outcome of the family conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal desires and family responsibilities. Adele's desire to go to Berlin represents personal growth and independence, while Caden's discomfort and concern reflect his attachment to the family unit.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, reflection, and seriousness, drawing the audience into the characters' personal struggles and uncertainties. The emotional depth adds complexity to the narrative and sets up potential character development.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and uncertainties. It effectively conveys tension and introspection, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with relatable family dynamics and emotional conflicts. The subtle tension and character interactions draw the viewer in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for naturalistic character interactions and emotional development. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The visual elements are effectively conveyed.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a domestic drama, with clear character interactions and emotional development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the mundane yet complex dynamics of family life, particularly the tension between Caden's health concerns and Adele's desire for independence. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, Caden's mention of arthritis feels somewhat abrupt and could be woven into a more nuanced conversation about their lives and health.
  • The use of the cartoon jackal as a metaphor for death is intriguing but could be more explicitly tied to Caden's internal struggles. This could create a stronger thematic resonance between the cartoon's message and Caden's health concerns, making the scene feel more cohesive.
  • Adele's phone call feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene. While it establishes her character's busyness, it might be more effective if the conversation had a direct impact on her interaction with Caden. For example, if the call were about a personal issue that relates to her desire to go to Berlin, it would deepen the emotional context.
  • Caden's father's entrance adds a layer of humor, but it also detracts from the tension building between Caden and Adele. This could be an opportunity to explore Caden's feelings of inadequacy or frustration further, rather than diffusing the moment with a light-hearted comment.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly after Caden's father exits. A more extended moment of silence or a reaction from Caden could heighten the emotional weight of Adele's announcement about Berlin, allowing the audience to feel the impact of her words more profoundly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue, allowing Caden and Adele to express their feelings about their relationship and health more openly. This could create a richer emotional landscape.
  • Integrate the cartoon's themes more closely with Caden's internal conflict. Perhaps have Caden reflect on the jackal's words in relation to his own fears about mortality and health.
  • Make Adele's phone conversation relevant to the scene's emotional stakes. This could involve discussing a personal issue that influences her desire to travel, thereby connecting her motivations more clearly to her relationship with Caden.
  • Reassess the timing of Caden's father's entrance. If his character is meant to provide comic relief, ensure it doesn't undermine the tension between Caden and Adele. Alternatively, consider having him enter at a moment that amplifies the emotional stakes.
  • Extend the scene's conclusion to allow for a more profound reaction from Caden after Adele's announcement. This could involve a moment of silence or a poignant line that encapsulates his feelings about her desire to leave.



Scene 16 -  Emotional Turmoil
37 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BEDROOM - SPRING 2006 - NIGHT 37

Adele packs. Caden sits on the bed.

CADEN
Can I ask you a question, Ad?

She looks up at him.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Have I disappointed you somehow?

She starts to cry, hugs him.

ADELE
Caden. I don't know. Y'know? I
don't know what I'm doing. It's
just a little time apart.
(pause)
We'll talk when I get back.
Everyone is disappointing. The
more you know someone. The whole
romantic love thing is just
projection. Right? I don't know.
(pause)
I'm sorry. I love you. I don't
know what I'm doing. We'll talk
when I get back.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 33.


38 INT. ADELE'S STUDIO - 2006 - DAY 38

Cobwebs. The room is long abandoned. Caden slumps against a
wall and stares into space. He starts to cry and can't stop.

Later: Caden watches a paint-spattered TV. A commercial:
diffused images of people flying kites, having picnics,
watching sunsets. A shot of Caden among them.

ANNOUNCER
Flurostatin TR allows you to live
life when it's your turn to face
the challenges of chemotherapy.
Ask your doctor if it's right for
you.

He feels the bumps on his arm, which have grown. He writes
down Fluorostatin TR. He starts to clean Adele's studio.

Later: The room is sparkling. No more paint anywhere.
Caden is on his knees, scrubbing the last bit of dirt. He is
sweaty and focused.

39 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER BOX OFFICE - 2006 - DAY 39

Caden, neatly groomed, leans on the counter chatting with
Hazel. Her crushed dog sleeps on the floor in a box.

HAZEL
We should get a drink. Be fun.

CADEN
Be weird.

HAZEL
I like weird. I like you. See?

He doesn't say anything.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Anyway. I don't want to make you
uncomfortable. I just thought it
would be a fun diversion. Okay, I
do want to make you uncomfortable.

CADEN
(laughs)
Oh, Haze. I wish I could.

HAZEL
You can, Cade. You can!




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 34.
39 CONTINUED: 39

CADEN
I have an appointment.

HAZEL
Crease.

CADEN
What do you mean?

HAZEL
It's just a word. Don't get all
bent out of shape. Jeez.

CADEN
I won't. Sorry.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Caden grapples with feelings of disappointment and uncertainty in his relationship with Adele, who, despite her love for him, suggests they take time apart. As Adele packs in tears, Caden is left overwhelmed in her abandoned studio, where he confronts his emotions and cleans the space in a bid for control. The scene transitions to the theater box office, where Caden's interaction with Hazel highlights his reluctance to engage, leaving his emotional struggles unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional complexity of the characters and sets up a sense of uncertainty and introspection. The dialogue is poignant and reveals the inner turmoil of Caden and Adele, creating a strong emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the uncertainties and doubts in a relationship is well-executed in this scene. The focus on Adele's departure and Caden's emotional response adds depth to their characters.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene revolves around Caden's emotional turmoil and his attempt to find clarity amidst uncertainty. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring relationships and self-reflection, with authentic dialogue and emotional authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Adele are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their vulnerabilities and complexities. Their interactions reveal layers of emotion and depth, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Both Caden and Adele experience emotional shifts in this scene, with Adele expressing her doubts and Caden confronting his insecurities. Their interactions reveal new layers to their characters and hint at potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand his relationship with Adele and his own feelings of disappointment and confusion. This reflects his deeper need for connection and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to clean Adele's studio and possibly find a distraction in his interaction with Hazel at the theater box office. This reflects his immediate circumstances of emotional turmoil and the need for a sense of purpose.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the doubts and insecurities of the characters rather than external confrontations. The tension lies in the uncertainty of the relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, adding depth to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are more emotional and personal, focusing on the uncertainties in Caden and Adele's relationship. The outcome of their conversation could have significant implications for their future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional arcs of the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It adds complexity to the relationship dynamics and hints at upcoming developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' emotional responses and the uncertainty of their relationships, keeping the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in Adele's dialogue about romantic love being projection and the uncertainty of relationships. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the stability of love and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, confusion, and introspection. The raw emotions displayed by Caden and Adele resonate with the audience, creating a poignant moment.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional struggles of the characters. It conveys their inner thoughts and uncertainties effectively, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the conflict between them, and the uncertainty of their relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for emotional development and character introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and emotional development.


Critique
  • The emotional weight of the scene is palpable, with Caden's vulnerability and Adele's uncertainty creating a poignant moment. However, the dialogue could benefit from more specificity to enhance the characters' emotional depth. For instance, instead of general statements about disappointment and love, they could reference specific instances or feelings that illustrate their struggles more vividly.
  • Adele's line about romantic love being projection feels somewhat abstract and could be more grounded in their relationship. Providing a concrete example of how this projection has manifested in their lives would make her statement resonate more with the audience.
  • The transition from the intimate moment in the bedroom to the abandoned studio is effective in conveying Caden's emotional turmoil. However, the shift could be smoother. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that links the two spaces, such as a lingering sound from the bedroom that fades as Caden enters the studio.
  • Caden's action of cleaning the studio is a strong visual metaphor for his desire to restore order in his life. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in this moment. Describing the smell of paint, the texture of the surfaces he cleans, or the physical toll it takes on him would enhance the emotional impact.
  • The commercial about chemotherapy feels somewhat abrupt and could be integrated more seamlessly into the narrative. Consider foreshadowing Caden's health concerns earlier in the scene to create a stronger connection between his emotional state and the commercial's message.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to include more specific references to Caden and Adele's relationship, allowing their emotional struggles to feel more personal and relatable.
  • Ground Adele's philosophical statement about love with a concrete example from their relationship to enhance its emotional resonance.
  • Add a visual or auditory transition between the bedroom and the studio to create a smoother flow between the two settings.
  • Incorporate sensory details into Caden's cleaning actions to deepen the audience's connection to his emotional state and the significance of the moment.
  • Foreshadow Caden's health concerns earlier in the scene to create a more cohesive narrative that ties his emotional struggles to the commercial about chemotherapy.



Scene 17 -  Confronting Fears
40 INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - 2006 - DAY 40

The masked dentist probes Caden's mouth.

DENTIST
3, 3, 3. 3, 3, 5. 3, 4, 3. 3, 4,
4. 5, 3, 3. 2, 4, 3.
(to Caden)
Some fives this time. Not good.
Keep with the flossing. We'll see
in three months.

41 INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY 41

Caden sits across from Madeline.

CADEN MADELINE
I'm lonely. Yes. Anything else?

Caden notices Madeline's feet in too-small shoes. There are
visible blisters and band-aids on her feet.

CADEN MADELINE
I'm hurt. Yes. And?

CADEN MADELINE
I think Adele's right when What would be real?
she says I'm not doing
anything real.

CADEN
I'm afraid I'm going to die. They
don't know what's wrong with me. I
want to do something important.
While I'm still here.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 35.
41 CONTINUED: 41

MADELINE
That would be the time to do it,
yes. I have a book that might help
you get better.

CADEN MADELINE
Better? Yes. It's called Getting
Better.

CADEN
Who wrote it?

MADELINE CADEN
I did. Oh.
(goes to full bookcase) (looking at titles)
All of these. Wow. I never knew that.

MADELINE
Wow. Yes, wow. Wow indeed.

She hands Caden the very thick book. He flips through it,
catching words and snippets here and there: Clairaudience
... vaginal juices... The echo began ... Plumbing ... Cats
eat rats ... Me who am as a raw nerve ... Crease.

MADELINE (CONT'D)
That's forty-five dollars. Wow.

42 INT. CADEN'S OFFICE - 2006 - NIGHT 42

Caden finds a website online for Madeline Gravis. Amazing
graphics. She is touted as one of the foremost psychologists
in the world, a sought-after public speaker, advisor to world
leaders. Her book Getting Better has sold millions of
copies and is translated into fifteen languages. In a box
at the bottom is a photo of a smiling Caden; it reads:
Theater Director Caden Cotard says, "It'll change my life!"

43 INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - 2006 - DAY 43

The dentist probes Caden's mouth. The Hygienist writes the
numbers.

DENTIST
5, 6, 5. 5, 5, 6. 4, 6, 5.
(to Caden)
I'm going to recommend a
periodontist. He'll probably
recommend gum surgery.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 36.


44 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S LIVING ROOM - 2006 - DAY 44

Caden is on the phone. His legs are elevated and his pant
legs are rolled up, revealing swollen, discolored calves.

CADEN
I'm looking for... I'm sorry, I
don't speak German. No. I'm --
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden visits a dentist who reveals worsening dental health and recommends gum surgery. He then attends a therapy session with Madeline, where he shares his feelings of loneliness and fear of dying. Madeline, who has authored a successful self-help book, offers it to Caden, highlighting her own struggles. The scene captures Caden's ongoing search for meaning and connection, ending with him on the phone, facing further challenges.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intriguing setup for future plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited interaction between characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Caden's emotional struggles and sets up intriguing plot developments with the introduction of the therapist and the book. The exploration of themes like loneliness and mortality adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring existential themes through Caden's personal experiences is compelling and sets the stage for further character development and plot twists. The introduction of the therapist and the mysterious book adds intrigue to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by delving into Caden's emotional state and introducing new elements that will impact his journey. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as the protagonist's existential fears and his therapist's unconventional approach to healing. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Caden, are well-developed and their emotional struggles are portrayed convincingly. The introduction of the therapist and the book adds layers to the characters and sets up future interactions.

Character Changes: 8

Caden undergoes emotional turmoil and introspection, revealing his fears and desires more deeply. The scene sets the stage for potential character growth and transformation as Caden grapples with his existential crisis.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his feelings of loneliness, hurt, fear of death, and desire to do something important before it's too late. These reflect his deeper needs for connection, healing, purpose, and legacy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to seek help and guidance from his therapist, Madeline, to address his physical and emotional issues. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with his health concerns and existential fears.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is internal conflict within Caden, the scene lacks external conflict between characters or events. The tension arises from Caden's emotional struggles and the uncertainty of his future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's beliefs and motivations, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Caden as he grapples with his mortality and the search for meaning in his life. The scene sets up potential consequences for his actions and decisions, adding tension and urgency to his journey.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Caden's emotional state and introducing new elements that will impact the plot. The introduction of the therapist and the book sets up future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the protagonist's fears and desires, as well as the therapist's unconventional approach to healing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's existential fears and desire for meaning in life, and Madeline's approach to healing and self-improvement through her book 'Getting Better.' This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his own worth and purpose.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness, anxiety, and empathy for Caden's plight. The exploration of existential themes and personal struggles resonates with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions. The conversations feel natural and contribute to the scene's overall tone and themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the deep emotional and existential themes, the intimate character interactions, and the subtle hints at the protagonist's inner struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the characters' struggles and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between different settings and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's feelings of loneliness and fear, which are central to his character's journey. However, the dialogue can feel somewhat stilted and lacks natural flow. For instance, the exchange between Caden and Madeline could benefit from more subtext and emotional depth, allowing the audience to feel the weight of Caden's struggles more profoundly.
  • Madeline's character is introduced with a focus on her physical discomfort, which is an interesting choice, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the main emotional arc of the scene. This detail could be woven into the dialogue or Caden's observations to create a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • The transition between the dentist's office and the therapist's office is abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose Caden's physical and emotional health, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two settings more seamlessly.
  • Caden's realization of Madeline's success and the irony of her self-help book could be more impactful if it were tied to his own feelings of inadequacy. This moment could serve as a catalyst for Caden's internal conflict, emphasizing his desire for validation and fear of failure.
  • The scene ends with Caden flipping through Madeline's book, but it lacks a strong emotional punch. A more poignant closing line or action could leave the audience with a lingering sense of Caden's turmoil, reinforcing the themes of isolation and the search for meaning.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext and emotional resonance, allowing Caden's vulnerability to shine through without being overly explicit.
  • Integrate Madeline's physical discomfort into the dialogue or Caden's observations to create a stronger connection between their characters and enhance the thematic depth.
  • Consider adding a visual or auditory transition between the dentist's office and the therapist's office, such as the sound of a dental drill fading into the background noise of a therapist's office, to create a smoother flow.
  • Deepen the moment when Caden discovers Madeline's success by tying it to his own feelings of inadequacy, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a more reflective dialogue exchange.
  • End the scene with a more impactful moment or line that encapsulates Caden's emotional state, leaving the audience with a strong impression of his struggles and desires.



Scene 18 -  A Chance Encounter at Quincy’s
45 INT. QUINCY'S - 2007 - NIGHT 45

Caden sits by himself in a booth, reading the self-help book.

VOICE
We must live in the present moment.
The now. The now. The now.

Caden tries to be in the present moment as a women sings
about gingivitis on a small stage in the back. *

SINGER *
How do you know if you’ve got *
gingivitis? / Here’s an experiment, *
Go ahead try this: / Brush your *
teeth, then spit in the sink / Does *
it come out red? / Do they say your *
breath stinks? *

It’ll only get worse, that’s just *
the beginning / Your mouth will be *
cursed, there’s no hope of winning *
/ Necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis *
is next / Also called trench mouth, *
/ you’ll never get sex. *

Later: Caden nurses a beer. He seems unwell.

SINGER (CONT’D) *
(throughout) *
I’m just a little person *
One person in a sea *
Of many little people *
Who are not aware of me. *

I do my little job *
And live my little life *
I eat my little meals *
Miss my little kid and wife. *

And somewhere *
Maybe someday *
Maybe somewhere *
Far away *
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 36A.
45 CONTINUED: 45
SINGER (CONT’D)
I’ll meet another little person *
Who will look at me and say *

I know you *
You’re the one *
I’ve waited for *
Let’s have some fun *

Life is precious *
Every minute *
And more precious *
With you in it. *
So let’s have some fun. *

Let’s take a road trip *
Way out west *
You’re the one *
I like the best. *

I’m glad I found you *
Like hanging ‘round you *
You’re the one *
I like the best. *

Hazel plops down across from him. She has a smudge of soot
on her nose.

CADEN
Hey! Thanks for meeting me.

He points to his nose. She wipes at the soot on hers.

HAZEL
God, I'm delighted. Thought you'd
never ask. You did ask, right?

CADEN
I didn't want to be alone.

HAZEL
Who does?
(pause)
You don't look like you feel well.

CADEN
I'm going through some things.

HAZEL
You want to tell me about it?

CADEN
I can't really. But I'm meditating
and running and taking vitamins.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 36B.
45 CONTINUED: (2) 45
CADEN (CONT'D)
Cutting out sugar. I can't really
say any more. It's ...




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 37.
45 CONTINUED: (3) 45

HAZEL
Ok. Tell me something else.

CADEN
You tell me something. Oh. I've
cut out wheat.

HAZEL
Um, I bought this really nifty
sweater today. On sale. Fifty
dollars reduced from three hundred!

CADEN HAZEL
It's beautiful. It's cashmere. So very soft.
You must feel it.

Hazel holds her arm out. Caden touches it.

CADEN
What do we do with all this, Hazel?

HAZEL
I don't know. We fuck? We
continue to sort of flirt? You
divorce your wife and marry me and
I make you happy for the very first
time in your life and all your
symptoms disappear?
(beat)
We call it a day?
(beat)
Don't choose the last one. I just
said that one for effect.

CADEN
Do I have to choose at all?

HAZEL
No, I suppose not. Choosing is not
your strong suit. You want to come
over to my place, Cotard?

CADEN HAZEL
Um ... I'm won't let you off the
hook by saying "never mind"
this time.

CADEN
Adele is only on vacation.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 37A.
45 CONTINUED: (4) 45

HAZEL
She hasn't called you since she
left. You've left countless
messages. It's been a year.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 38.
45 CONTINUED: (5) 45

CADEN
It's been a week.

HAZEL
(stares at him, then:)
I'm going to buy you a calendar.

Caden rips a cocktail napkin into little pieces.

CADEN
Okay, just for one drink.

Hazel smiles and stands. She scoops up the torn napkin
pieces and puts them in her purse.

HAZEL
Scraps for my scrapbook.

Caden watches her ass as she turns to leave.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Caden sits alone in a booth at Quincy’s, struggling with personal issues while a quirky singer performs. Hazel joins him, playfully engaging in conversation and suggesting a potential romantic connection, despite Caden's hesitations due to his wife's absence. The scene blends melancholy and humor as Caden grapples with his loneliness, ultimately agreeing to share a drink with Hazel.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of emotional depth and introspection through the interactions between Caden and Hazel. The dialogue is poignant and reveals the characters' inner struggles and desires, creating a compelling and relatable atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring human emotions, relationships, and the fleeting nature of connections is well-developed in the scene. It delves into themes of loneliness, uncertainty, and the search for meaning in personal relationships.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on character interactions and emotional depth than plot progression, it contributes to the overall narrative by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and inner conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring personal struggles and relationships, with unique dialogue and character interactions that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed and complex, with layers of vulnerability, longing, and emotional depth. Their interactions reveal a nuanced portrayal of human emotions and the complexities of personal relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Hazel experience emotional shifts and moments of vulnerability in the scene, deepening their character development and revealing new layers of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to find meaning and connection in his life, as seen through his interactions with Hazel and his struggles with his health and relationships.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to navigate his relationships and personal struggles, as seen through his conversation with Hazel about his wife and potential future with her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The scene focuses more on emotional conflict and internal struggles rather than external conflicts. The tension arises from the characters' vulnerabilities, uncertainties, and desires for companionship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Hazel challenging Caden's beliefs and choices, creating conflict and tension in their conversation.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' inner struggles, desires, and relationships. The high stakes lie in the characters' search for connection and meaning in their lives.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot, it enriches the character dynamics and emotional depth, providing valuable insights into the characters' inner lives and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' choices and interactions, adding tension and intrigue to the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of choice, connection, and personal fulfillment. Caden and Hazel discuss the idea of making choices and finding happiness in their lives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and empathy in the audience. The intimate moments between Caden and Hazel resonate on a deep emotional level, drawing the audience into the characters' inner worlds.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant, intimate, and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It effectively conveys the themes of loneliness, longing, and the search for connection.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, introspection, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the characters' struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing for meaningful character interactions and development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay, with clear character interactions and progression of the conversation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil through the juxtaposition of his internal struggles and the quirky, humorous performance of the singer. This contrast highlights Caden's feelings of isolation and disconnection from the world around him, which is a strong thematic element.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Hazel is engaging and reveals their complex relationship dynamics. However, it could benefit from more subtext. While they flirt and joke, there are moments where the dialogue feels too on-the-nose, particularly when discussing Caden's health and his relationship with Adele. Adding layers of subtext could enhance the tension and emotional depth.
  • Hazel's character is introduced with a playful energy, but her motivations and feelings could be more clearly defined. While she flirts with Caden, her intentions seem somewhat ambiguous. Clarifying her emotional stakes in this interaction would make her character more compelling and relatable.
  • The use of the singer's lyrics as a narrative device is clever, but it may overwhelm the scene's emotional core. The lyrics about gingivitis and the singer's self-deprecating humor could distract from Caden's serious internal conflict. Consider balancing the humor with Caden's emotional state to maintain focus on his journey.
  • Caden's physical state is mentioned, but the scene could visually emphasize his discomfort more. Describing his body language, facial expressions, or even the way he interacts with the beer could provide a clearer picture of his mental and physical state, enhancing the audience's empathy for him.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue between Caden and Hazel. Allow their conversation to hint at deeper feelings and unresolved issues without explicitly stating them.
  • Clarify Hazel's motivations and emotional stakes in her interactions with Caden. This could involve adding a line or two that reveals her own vulnerabilities or desires.
  • Consider reducing the prominence of the singer's lyrics or integrating them more seamlessly into the scene. This could involve having Caden react to specific lines, allowing the lyrics to reflect his internal struggles without overshadowing his emotional journey.
  • Enhance Caden's physical portrayal by including more descriptive actions that convey his discomfort and emotional state, such as fidgeting with the beer or avoiding eye contact with Hazel.
  • Explore the theme of choice more deeply. Caden's reluctance to make decisions is a significant aspect of his character. Highlighting this through his actions or internal monologue could add depth to the scene.



Scene 19 -  Flames of Temptation
46 INT. HAZEL'S CAR - 2007 - NIGHT 46

Hazel drives. Caden follows in his car. We see him in her
rearview mirror, peering into her car. Hazel hikes her skirt
and causally begins to play with herself with her right hand.

47 INT. BURNING HOUSE - KITCHEN - 2007 - NIGHT 47

Hazel fixes drinks, mixes them with her right index finger.
She hands Caden one.

CADEN
I really can't drink very much
because of my condition.

HAZEL
Caden's mysterious condition.
Well, have one sip, anyway.

CADEN
Did you put something in it?

HAZEL
Would you like me to have? A
little love potion, perhaps?

CADEN
Sure, why not?

HAZEL
If that's what it takes, consider
it done. Poof! Love potion number
69.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 39.
47 CONTINUED: 47

Caden laughs and takes a sip.

CADEN
It's good.

She takes a sip of her drink. Caden drinks some more of his.

HAZEL
Does it make you want to kiss me?

CADEN
Yeah. Kind of.

HAZEL
Tell me why?

CADEN
Um, I feel a lot of longing.

HAZEL
Hmm. Beg a girl, why dontcha.

CADEN HAZEL
Um, okay. Please, Hazel, let On your knees.
me --

CADEN
What?

HAZEL
I'd like you to beg me on your
knees for a kiss. Just for fun.

Dumbly, Caden gets down on his knees.

CADEN
Why am I doing this?

HAZEL
(smiling warmly)
For fun, baby.

CADEN
You'll help me forget my troubles?

HAZEL
Oh, kiddo, you don't even know.

CADEN
I have a wife.

HAZEL
You have me. And I adore you.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 40.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a flirtatious night scene, Hazel drives provocatively, teasing Caden about his 'mysterious condition' as they find themselves in a burning house's kitchen. Amidst the chaos, she playfully suggests a love potion and encourages Caden to beg for a kiss, despite his marital conflict. Their interaction is charged with tension and longing, culminating in Hazel's affectionate reassurances, leaving their relationship's nature ambiguous.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate chemistry between characters
  • Playful banter
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of external conflicts
  • Reliance on romantic tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the complex emotions and desires of the characters, creating a sense of intimacy and vulnerability. The playful banter adds depth to their relationship, while the underlying tension and longing enhance the emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a flirtatious and intimate moment between Caden and Hazel amidst personal struggles is engaging and adds depth to their characters. The use of a 'love potion' as a playful metaphor enhances the scene's romantic undertones.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the evolving relationship between Caden and Hazel, adding layers to their characters and setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions. The scene contributes to the overall narrative by developing key character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of temptation and desire, with unique character dynamics and unexpected twists in the dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their vulnerabilities, desires, and emotional complexities. Their interactions reveal depth and authenticity, drawing the audience into their personal struggles and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' emotions and desires, the scene primarily focuses on exploring their existing vulnerabilities and desires. The interaction between Caden and Hazel hints at potential changes in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to escape his troubles and find solace in Hazel's company. This reflects his deeper desire for emotional connection and distraction from his problems.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to enjoy the moment and forget about his worries. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being in Hazel's company and the flirtatious interaction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is an underlying tension and emotional conflict in the scene, the focus is more on the intimate and playful interaction between Caden and Hazel. The conflict arises from their personal struggles and desires, adding depth to their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty about the characters' motivations and intentions.

High Stakes: 6

While the scene involves personal and emotional stakes for the characters, the focus is more on their intimate and playful interaction. The stakes revolve around their desires, vulnerabilities, and potential romantic entanglements, adding depth to their relationship dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Caden and Hazel, adding depth to their characters and setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions. It contributes to the overall narrative by exploring key themes and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in the sense that the characters' actions and dialogue subvert expectations and keep the audience guessing about their true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the protagonist's internal struggle between loyalty to his wife and the temptation of Hazel's affection. This challenges his beliefs about fidelity and desire.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of longing, desire, and vulnerability in the audience. The intimate and heartfelt moments between Caden and Hazel resonate on an emotional level, drawing viewers into their personal struggles and desires.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging, playful, and emotionally resonant, capturing the essence of the characters' feelings and desires. The banter between Caden and Hazel adds depth to their relationship and enhances the scene's intimacy.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic between the characters, the playful dialogue, and the underlying tension in their interaction.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through the characters' dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations and progression of the interaction.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the flirtatious and playful dynamic between Caden and Hazel, but it risks crossing into uncomfortable territory with Hazel's provocative actions in the car. This could alienate some viewers if not handled delicately, as it may come off as objectifying or inappropriate given Caden's emotional state and his mention of having a wife.
  • The dialogue is witty and captures the banter between the characters well, but it could benefit from deeper emotional stakes. Caden's admission of longing feels somewhat superficial in the context of the scene. Exploring his internal conflict about his marriage and feelings for Hazel more explicitly could add depth.
  • The transition from the car to the burning house is abrupt and could use a smoother narrative flow. The burning house setting is intriguing but feels underutilized in this scene. It could symbolize the chaos in Caden's life and relationship, and this theme could be woven more explicitly into the dialogue or actions.
  • Caden's character feels passive in this scene, particularly when he is coaxed into begging for a kiss. This could be seen as a loss of agency, which may not resonate well with audiences. Strengthening his character's voice and making him more assertive could enhance the tension and stakes.
  • The humor in the dialogue is a strong point, but it sometimes undermines the gravity of Caden's situation. Balancing the light-hearted banter with moments of genuine emotional vulnerability could create a more compelling contrast and engage the audience more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Caden reflects on his feelings about his wife and his current situation before engaging with Hazel. This could provide context for his actions and make his character more relatable.
  • Explore the symbolism of the burning house more thoroughly. Perhaps incorporate elements that reflect Caden's internal struggles, such as the chaos of the fire mirroring his emotional turmoil.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more moments where Caden expresses his conflict about being with Hazel while still being married. This could heighten the tension and make the stakes feel more significant.
  • Make Caden's response to Hazel's provocations more complex. Instead of simply complying, he could express hesitation or internal conflict, which would add depth to his character and the scene.
  • Consider adjusting Hazel's character to ensure she feels more like a partner in the flirtation rather than a dominant force. This could create a more balanced dynamic and allow for a more nuanced exploration of their relationship.



Scene 20 -  Embers of Regret
48 INT. BURNING HOUSE - BEDROOM - 2007 - NIGHT 48

Caden and Hazel have violent sex. Hazel watches Caden's
contorted face. They finish and lie there. Caden starts to
weep.

HAZEL
What? What is it?

CADEN HAZEL
I don't know. I'm sorry. What?

CADEN
I'm just so confused. I'm sorry.
I'm really sick. I think I'm
dying. I have a kid. I'm married.

HAZEL CADEN
Oh, Jesus. Oh, fuck me. I'm sorry. It's terrible, I
know.

HAZEL
Yeah. I just thought this might
change things. I hoped. Ugh.

CADEN
(still crying)
I had a good time. I think you're
a very nice person. Really.

HAZEL
That is just the wrong thing to say
right now, Caden. You should go.

49 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S LIVING ROOM - 2008 - NIGHT 49

Caden is on the phone.

CADEN
(crying)
I'm so glad I finally got you.

INTERCUT WITH:

A50 INT. ADELE'S BERLIN APARTMENT - 2008 - SAME A50

ADELE (PHONE VOICE)
Hello? Hello? Who is this?

CADEN
It's Caden!




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 41.
A50 CONTINUED: A50

ADELE (PHONE VOICE)
Ellen?



CADEN
Caden! I can't wait to see you and
Olive on the 12th. um... I went
someplace without you tonight, Ad.
I went some place you couldn't come
with me. I'm sorry.

ADELE (PHONE VOICE)
What? Who is this? Oh, I have to
go. There's a party. I'm famous!

CADEN
Oh. Ok. Great. Have fu --

The connection is lost. Caden sits there, looks at the 2007
tax form in front of him, goes into convulsions. He manages
to grab the phone, his hand flopping all over the dial.

OPERATOR (PHONE VOICE)
911. What's the problem, ma'am?

CADEN
I'm sick.

OPERATOR (PHONE VOICE)
We're out of ambulances, miss, but
we'll send a taxi. Please wait in
front of your house, miss.

50 OMITTED 50
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 42.


A51 OMITTED A51

51 INT. HOSPITAL - 2008 - NIGHT 51

Caden waits on a plastic chair in a dimly lit hallway, his
beat-up suitcase at his feet. He reads a very old Vogue and
opens to a spread about his wife. She seems glamorous.
There are photos of her in Berlin, her work, her flat. She is
the toast of the art world. Photos of her with two men, and
also with Olive, who seems somewhat Nazi Youth-like now.

NURSE
Mr. Cotard?

He looks up, having forgotten where he was. He grabs his
suitcase and follows the nurse down a dismal hallway: gurneys
against dirty walls, empty wheelchairs. Skinny man takes a
flash picture of Caden. Nurses drinking coffee out of paper
cups eye him. Puddles of vomit on the floor. They arrive at
the end of the hall. A doctor pokes his head out of a room.
He studies a file and doesn't look up.

DOCTOR
Mr. Cotard?

52 INT. SMALL EXAMINING ROOM - 2008 - CONTINUOUS 52

The doctor never looks up from the files.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 43.
52 CONTINUED: 52

DOCTOR
You've had a seizure of sorts.

CADEN DOCTOR
What does that mean? Seems to be some synaptic
degradation. Fungal in
origin. Autonomic functions
going haywire.

CADEN
It's serious?

DOCTOR
We don't know but yes.

They both sit there in silence for a long while.

DOCTOR (CONT'D)
We'll get you enrolled a
biofeedback program. Maybe you can
learn some sort of manual override.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a burning house, Caden and Hazel share a passionate encounter that leaves Caden grappling with guilt and confusion about his life choices, including his marriage and fatherhood. Disillusioned, Hazel tells him to leave, prompting Caden to reach out to Adele, whose focus on her own life leads to further disconnection. After experiencing convulsions, Caden finds himself in a hospital waiting room, reflecting on his wife's success while facing the uncertainty of his health.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Raw vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters through their dialogue and actions, creating a poignant and introspective atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a physical encounter and its emotional repercussions is compelling and adds depth to the characters' development.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by delving into the emotional aftermath of the characters' actions, revealing their internal struggles and adding complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to themes of identity, mortality, and personal relationships, with authentic and emotionally charged character interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed, showcasing their vulnerabilities, regrets, and conflicting emotions in a realistic and relatable manner.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Hazel experience emotional shifts and realizations, leading to introspection and a deeper understanding of their own feelings and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his own mortality and the consequences of his actions. His outburst of emotions and confessions reflect his deeper fears and desires for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to seek medical help and understand his condition. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with his health crisis.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and regrets rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that create uncertainty and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily emotional and personal, revolving around the characters' internal struggles and relationships rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene focuses more on character development and emotional exploration rather than significant plot progression, adding depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts, plot twists, and the protagonist's internal and external conflicts that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle with identity, mortality, and the consequences of his actions. It challenges his beliefs about relationships, responsibility, and self-awareness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, confusion, and intimacy through the characters' raw and vulnerable portrayal.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil, regrets, and vulnerabilities, adding depth to their interactions and emotional dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, dramatic character interactions, and the sense of urgency and uncertainty created by the setting and plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for emotional moments to resonate and plot developments to unfold at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue formatting, and transitions between locations.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and the progression of the plot, following a clear and engaging format.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of Caden and Hazel, showcasing their conflicting feelings after a passionate encounter. However, the abrupt transition from intimacy to Caden's emotional breakdown feels somewhat jarring. This shift could benefit from a more gradual build-up to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Caden's dialogue reveals his vulnerability and confusion, which is compelling. However, the repetition of 'I'm sorry' and 'I think I'm dying' could be streamlined to avoid redundancy. Instead, consider varying his expressions of distress to convey his emotional state more dynamically.
  • Hazel's reaction to Caden's confession is realistic, but her line 'I just thought this might change things' could be expanded to provide more insight into her motivations and desires. This would deepen her character and clarify the stakes of their encounter.
  • The scene's setting in a burning house adds a layer of urgency and chaos, which is effective. However, it might be beneficial to incorporate more sensory details about the environment to heighten the tension and reflect the characters' emotional states. For example, describing the heat, smoke, or sounds could enhance the atmosphere.
  • The intercut with Caden's phone call to Adele serves as a strong narrative device, but the transition could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes more cohesively, reinforcing the emotional weight of Caden's situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the burning house setting to enhance the atmosphere and reflect the characters' emotional turmoil.
  • Streamline Caden's dialogue to avoid redundancy and vary his expressions of distress for a more dynamic portrayal of his emotional state.
  • Expand Hazel's dialogue to provide more insight into her motivations and desires, deepening her character and clarifying the stakes of their encounter.
  • Create a smoother transition between the intimate moment and Caden's phone call to Adele, possibly using a visual or auditory cue to link the two scenes more cohesively.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a brief moment of silence or reflection after their encounter before Caden begins to weep, allowing the weight of the moment to settle in for both characters.



Scene 21 -  Unraveling Connections
53 INT. SCHENECTADY POST OFFICE - WINTER 2008 - DAY 53

Caden waits in line, holding a big wrapped box, addressed to
Olive in Germany.

54 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S LIVING ROOM - WINTER 2008 - NIGHT 54

Caden sits on the couch, wheezing and reading a dictionary
entry for the word "crease." The definition is "n. a fold."
He squirts artificial saliva in his mouth.

55 OMITTED 55

56 INT. PERIODONTIST'S OFFICE - WINTER 2008 - DAY 56

Caden is having periodontal surgery. It's bloody.

57 INT. SCHENECTADY THEATER LOBBY - WINTER 2008 - NIGHT 57

Caden, with swollen lower face and bleeding mouth, approaches
the box office with a gift-wrapped box. Hazel looks up. The
damaged dog barks.

HAZEL CADEN
Be quiet, Squishy. Hi.

HAZEL
Caden, I won't be yet another woman
you feel guilty about.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 44.
57 CONTINUED: 57

CADEN
Okay. Thank you anyway.

HAZEL
Here. Take this. I got like five
for Christmas. Goddamn Christmas.

She hands him a 2009 calendar. It features photos of Adele.

58 INT. CADEN'S OFFICE - SPRING 2009 - NIGHT 58

Adele calender on wall, open to March. Caden reads Getting
Better:

VOICE
Now. Now. Now! Be here now!

INTERCUT WITH:

A59 INT. ADELE'S BERLIN APARTMENT - 2009 - SAME A59

Adele feeds a piece of paper into a fax machine.

A fax starts to come in. Caden watches as the words appear,
fuzzy as if there is some interference in the process.

Olive wanted me to ask you not to read her diary. She left
it under her pillow by mistake. Glglf n mesr-siy. Hewz wec.

59 INT. OLIVE'S ROOM - 2009 - NIGHT 59

Caden lifts the bed pillow and finds a kid's diary. He
studies it, puts it back. There's a knock at the front door.

60 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S LIVING ROOM - 2009 - NIGHT 60

Caden opens the front door. A man hands him an envelope.

61 INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - 2009 - DAY 61

Madeline's feet are swollen and bloody.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 45.
61 CONTINUED: 61

CADEN MADELINE
So I just got this MacArthur Oh, Caden!
Grant last night.

CADEN MADELINE
Yeah. A lot of money. Do you know what you're going
to do with it?

CADEN
A theater piece. Something big and
true and tough. Y'know, finally
put my real self into something.

MADELINE CADEN
Oh, Caden! What is your real I don't know yet. The
self, do you think? MacArthur is called "the
genius grant." And I want to
earn it.

MADELINE
That's wonderful. God bless! I
guess you'll have to discover your
real self. Right?

CADEN
Yeah, I mean, yeah. Oh, I wanted
to ask you, how old are kids when
they start to write?

MADELINE
Varies.

CADEN
Could a four year old keep a diary?

MADELINE
Listen, there's an absolutely
brilliant novel written by a four
year old.

CADEN MADELINE
Really? Little Winky. By Horace
Azpiazu.

CADEN
Aww. Cute.

MADELINE
Hardly. Little Winky is a virulent
anti-Semite.
(MORE)




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 45A.
61 CONTINUED: (2) 61
MADELINE (CONT'D)
The story follows his initiation
into the Klan, his immersion in the
pornographic snuff industry and his
ultimate degradation at the hands
of a black ex-convict named Eric
Washington Jackson Jones...
Johnson... Jefferson, with whom he
embarks on a brutal homosexual
affair.

CADEN
Wow. Written by a four year old?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 46.
61 CONTINUED: (3) 61

MADELINE
Azpiazu killed himself at five.

CADEN
That's horrible.

MADELINE
He would've written so much more
had he lived. They developed a
method -- some software -- to
determine what he would've written
had he lived to ten, twenty,
thirty, etcetera.

CADEN
Is that possible?

MADELINE
Which part?

CADEN
Any of it. Why did he kill
himself?

MADELINE
I don't know, why did you?

CADEN
What?

MADELINE
I said, why would you?

CADEN
Oh. I don't know.

62 INT. OLIVE'S ROOM - 2009 - NIGHT 62

Caden paces nervously. He sits on Olive's bed and jimmies
open her diary with a screwdriver. He reads:

VOICE
Deer Diry. Thank you for being my
new best frend. My name is Olive
Cotard. I am for yers old. I like
choclit and --
Genres: ["Drama","Relationship"]

Summary Caden waits in line at the post office with a package for Olive in Germany, reflecting his emotional turmoil. At home, he struggles with physical pain and reads about 'crease' while using artificial saliva. After undergoing bloody periodontal surgery, he encounters Hazel in a theater lobby, who gives him a calendar of Adele, expressing her reluctance to add to his guilt. The scene shifts to Caden's office, where he reads a motivational piece about presence, intercut with Adele in Berlin sending a fax from Olive about her diary. Caden nervously attempts to open Olive's diary, culminating in him sitting on her bed, using a screwdriver to pry it open, symbolizing his deep curiosity and anxiety.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Complex character development
  • Authentic portrayal of relationships
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions, inner conflicts, and the complexities of relationships. It sets a somber tone and engages the audience in the characters' internal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal struggles, guilt, and the impact of past actions is well-developed and adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Caden's emotional journey, his struggles with relationships, and the consequences of his actions. It moves the story forward by delving into the characters' inner conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique situations such as a character receiving a grant and exploring a child's diary, adding depth and complexity to the narrative. The dialogue feels authentic and reflective of the characters' inner turmoil.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and well-developed, especially Caden, who undergoes emotional turmoil and self-reflection. Their interactions reveal deep emotions and inner struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Caden undergoes significant emotional changes in the scene, grappling with guilt, confusion, and the breakdown of his relationships. His character arc is well-developed and adds depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of purpose and authenticity in his artistic endeavors. He is grappling with his identity and desires to create something meaningful and true.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal in this scene is to navigate his relationships with women, particularly Hazel and Adele, and to receive a grant for his theater piece.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and the breakdown of their relationships. It adds depth to the narrative but is not overtly dramatic.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenging conversations that push the protagonist to confront his beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' inner struggles, guilt, and the breakdown of their relationships. While not high in a traditional sense, they are significant for the characters' emotional well-being.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Caden's emotional journey, his struggles with relationships, and the consequences of his actions. It adds depth to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and revelations that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between artistic integrity and societal expectations. Caden is torn between creating something authentic and earning recognition and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, confusion, and longing in the audience. It effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner thoughts, adding depth to their interactions and revealing their vulnerabilities.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it delves into the protagonist's internal struggles and relationships, creating a sense of emotional depth and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing introspective moments with dialogue-driven interactions, creating a sense of rhythm and tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that mirrors the protagonist's fragmented thoughts and experiences, adding depth to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's ongoing struggles with his health and emotional state, but it feels somewhat disjointed due to the rapid transitions between locations and actions. The juxtaposition of Caden's mundane activities, like waiting in line at the post office, with his more intense experiences, such as undergoing surgery, could be better integrated to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Hazel is brief and lacks depth. While Hazel's line about not wanting to be another woman Caden feels guilty about is poignant, it could be expanded to explore their relationship dynamics further. This would provide more context for Caden's emotional turmoil and Hazel's role in his life.
  • The use of the calendar featuring photos of Adele is a strong visual element that symbolizes Caden's fixation on his wife and his feelings of inadequacy. However, the transition to the fax scene feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother connection to maintain narrative flow.
  • Caden's actions, such as squirting artificial saliva and reading a dictionary entry, effectively illustrate his physical discomfort and mental state. However, these actions could be more explicitly tied to his emotional journey, allowing the audience to better understand his internal struggles.
  • The scene ends with Caden finding Olive's diary, which is a significant moment. However, the emotional weight of this discovery could be heightened by including Caden's immediate reaction or thoughts, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with his character.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more dialogue between Caden and Hazel to deepen their interaction and explore the complexities of their relationship. This could help clarify Caden's emotional state and his feelings of guilt.
  • Enhance the transitions between locations by using visual or auditory cues that connect Caden's experiences, such as sounds from the post office that echo into the surgery scene, creating a more cohesive narrative.
  • Incorporate Caden's internal monologue or thoughts during key moments, especially when he is reading the dictionary or receiving the calendar from Hazel. This could provide insight into his emotional struggles and enhance audience empathy.
  • Expand on the significance of the calendar and the fax from Adele by including Caden's reflections on his relationship with her, which could add depth to his character and highlight his feelings of isolation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more pronounced emotional reaction from Caden upon discovering Olive's diary, perhaps showing a moment of vulnerability that encapsulates his longing for connection with his daughter.



Scene 22 -  Toys and Tensions
63 INT. SCHENECTADY TOY STORE - 2009 - DAY 63

Caden looks at the toys.

VOICE
-- my favorite color is pink.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 47.
63 CONTINUED: 63

CLERK
Can I help you?

CADEN
I'm looking for a Christmas present
for my daughter. Something pink.

CLERK
How about this?

The clerk holds up a pink box with a picture of a nose on it.

CADEN
Yes. That's good.

64 OMITTED 64

65 INT. QUINCY'S - 2009 - DAY 65

Caden sits with Hazel. She seems somewhat distant.

CADEN
The idea is to do a massive theater
piece. Uncompromising, honest. I
don't know what it is yet or how to
do it, but it'll come. It'll
reveal itself.

HAZEL
Huh.

Pause.

CADEN
Here’s what I think theater is:
it’s the beginning of thought. The
truth not yet spoken. It’s a
blackbird in winter. The moment
before death. It’s what a man
feels after he’s been clocked in
the jaw. It’s love... in all its
messiness. And I want all of us,
players and audience alike, to soak
in the communal bath of it, the
mikvah, as the Jews call it. We’re
all in the same water, after all,
soaking in our very menstrual blood
and nocturnal emissions. This is
what I want to try to give people,
Hazel. And I want your help.

Hazel just stares. The food arrives. Caden looks at his
plate and concentrates.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 48.
65 CONTINUED: 65

HAZEL
What are you doing?

CADEN
Salivating.
(pause)
I have to concentrate.
(pause)
Biofeedback training.

HAZEL
Huh.

CADEN
So I was wondering if you'll help.

HAZEL
In your box office?

CADEN
No. Like as my assistant.

HAZEL
I'm not sure I can work with you,
Caden. I'm kind of angry.

CADEN
I just want to normalize it, Hazel.
I think we'd have fun together.

He swallows some food then concentrates. She watches him.

CADEN (CONT'D)
I miss you.

He concentrates some more. She stares at him.

CADEN (CONT'D)
I'm digesting.

HAZEL
It's really disturbing.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden visits a toy store to find a pink Christmas gift for his daughter, interacting briefly with a clerk. The scene shifts to a restaurant where he discusses his ambitious theater project with Hazel, who remains emotionally distant and skeptical. Despite Caden's attempts to normalize their relationship and share his artistic vision, Hazel's anger and reluctance to support him create an unresolved tension. The scene concludes with Caden focused on his food while Hazel watches him with concern, emphasizing their emotional disconnect.
Strengths
  • Deep character introspection
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-written, with a strong focus on character introspection and emotional depth. The dialogue is poignant and thought-provoking, revealing the inner turmoil of the characters. However, some moments could be more impactful to elevate the overall rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the nature of theater, truth, and human connection through Caden's perspective is compelling. The scene delves into deep themes of honesty, vulnerability, and the search for meaning in art. The use of biofeedback training as a metaphor adds a unique layer to the scene.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on character introspection and thematic exploration than plot progression, it sets the stage for future developments in Caden's journey. The conversation with Hazel hints at potential conflicts and resolutions to come, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique ideas about theater and artistic expression, and the characters' interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are richly developed, with Caden's introspective nature and passion for theater shining through. Hazel's complexity and emotional distance add layers to the scene, creating a dynamic interaction between the two. Their relationship dynamics are intriguing and set the stage for further exploration.

Character Changes: 7

While there is no significant character change within the scene, Caden's introspective journey and emotional turmoil hint at potential growth and transformation in future developments. The scene sets the stage for character evolution and self-discovery.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to create a meaningful and impactful theater piece that reflects his deep thoughts and emotions. This goal reflects his desire for artistic expression and connection with others.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to convince Hazel to help him with his theater project. This goal reflects his immediate need for support and collaboration.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional tension and internal conflict within Caden, the scene lacks external conflict or high stakes. The conflict is more subtle and internalized, focusing on Caden's personal struggles and desires.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty about the characters' relationship and future interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and internalized, focusing on Caden's personal struggles and desires. While there is tension and longing present, the scene lacks high external stakes or immediate consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Caden's character, his passion for theater, and his complex relationships. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions, hinting at the direction of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional reactions and the unresolved tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Caden's artistic vision and Hazel's personal feelings. Caden's belief in the transformative power of theater clashes with Hazel's emotional distance and anger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, delving into Caden's vulnerability, longing, and confusion. The characters' emotional depth and introspection resonate with the audience, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere. The scene evokes a sense of empathy and connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and thought-provoking, reflecting the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys Caden's passion for theater and his longing for connection with Hazel. The conversation flows naturally and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the philosophical conflict, and the unique dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for character interactions and dialogue, effectively conveying the emotional and thematic content.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional state and his desire to connect with Hazel, but it lacks a strong sense of urgency or conflict. The dialogue feels somewhat meandering, which can detract from the overall impact. Caden's philosophical musings about theater are interesting but may come off as pretentious without a clearer emotional anchor or context.
  • Hazel's responses are minimal and somewhat disengaged, which could reflect her emotional distance but also risks making her character feel flat. It would be beneficial to explore her internal conflict or feelings about Caden's request for help, as this could add depth to her character and the scene.
  • The transition from the toy store to the restaurant is abrupt, and the connection between the two locations could be strengthened. Consider adding a brief moment that ties Caden's experience in the toy store to his conversation with Hazel, perhaps by having him reflect on his daughter or the significance of the gift he chose.
  • Caden's description of theater is poetic but may benefit from being more concise. The metaphor of 'soaking in our very menstrual blood and nocturnal emissions' could be seen as excessive and might alienate some audience members. Striking a balance between raw honesty and accessibility is crucial.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat awkward note with Caden's focus on digestion, which could be interpreted as humorous but may also detract from the emotional weight of the conversation. A more poignant closing line or moment could leave a stronger impression.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to create a more dynamic exchange between Caden and Hazel. This could involve Hazel challenging Caden's ideas or expressing her own thoughts on theater, which would enhance their interaction.
  • Add a moment of reflection for Caden after he leaves the toy store, perhaps a brief internal monologue about his daughter or the significance of the gift, to create a smoother transition to the restaurant scene.
  • Explore Hazel's emotional state more deeply. Allow her to express her feelings about Caden's request and their past relationship, which could create a more engaging conflict and add layers to her character.
  • Revise Caden's philosophical musings to be more concise and impactful. Focus on the core ideas he wants to convey about theater and human experience, ensuring they resonate with both Hazel and the audience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more emotionally resonant moment, perhaps a shared look or a line that encapsulates their complicated relationship, rather than focusing on Caden's digestion.



Scene 23 -  Confronting Mortality
66 INT. TINY, CRAMPED REHEARSAL HALL - 2009 - DAY 66

Caden, beads of sweat on his forehead, sits with a large
group of actors, Tom, Claire, and Davis from Salesman among
them. No one speaks. Finally, Caden clears his throat.

CADEN
We'll start by talking honestly.
Out of that a piece of theater will
evolve. I'll begin.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 49.
66 CONTINUED: 66
CADEN (CONT'D)
(long pause)
I've been thinking a lot about
dying lately.

CLAIRE
You're going to be fine, sweetie.

CADEN
I appreciate that, Claire, but --

CLAIRE CADEN
Well, you are. You poor regardless of how this
thing. particular thing works itself
out, I will be dying. So
will you.

CLAIRE CADEN
Caden! So will everyone here. And I
want to explore that
unflinchingly.

There is a long silence as everyone looks uncomfortable.

CADEN (CONT'D)
We are all hurtling toward death.
(silence)
Yet here we are, for the moment,
alive. Each of us knowing we will
die; each of us secretly believing
we won't.

Nobody says anything for a long moment.

CLAIRE
It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
It's everything. It's Karamazov.

67 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S BEDROOM - WINTER 2010 - NIGHT 67

Caden is in bed, reading Olive's diary.

VOICE
Dear diary. Germany is wonderful!
So many friends here. My new dads
are great and handsome. And
brilliant directors of theater.

Caden grimaces in pain for a moment. His mouth bleeds. He
dials the phone.

HAZEL'S ANSWERING MACHINE
It's Hazel. Leave a message or
don't. Your dime.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 50.
67 CONTINUED: 67

CADEN
Hi. I haven't heard from you so I
thought I'd say hi. Hi, Hazel!

He giggles crazily, coughs, then hangs up, embarrassed,
grimaces once more, then dials again.

CLAIRE (PHONE VOICE)
Hello?

CADEN CLAIRE (PHONE VOICE)
Hi, Claire, it's Caden. Hi! I was just thinking
about you!

CADEN
Yeah? Um, I was calling to say hi,
chat about today maybe.

CLAIRE (PHONE VOICE)
Hi! Here you are, on my phone!

CADEN
Yeah. Do you maybe want to get a
drink or something? It's late so --

CLAIRE
Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah!
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a cramped rehearsal hall, Caden leads a discussion on death, revealing his existential fears and seeking connection with his fellow actors, Claire, Tom, and Davis. While Claire attempts to comfort him, she also engages with his thoughts, acknowledging the discomfort of the topic. The scene shifts to Caden in bed, reading his daughter Olive's diary and experiencing physical pain. He reaches out to Claire, culminating in a phone call where they agree to meet for drinks, highlighting Caden's struggle with mortality and his need for connection.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of existential themes
  • Emotionally charged dialogue
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into deep philosophical themes while showcasing emotional vulnerability and character introspection. The dialogue is poignant and thought-provoking, contributing to a strong overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of facing mortality and the characters' differing responses to this universal theme are compelling and thought-provoking. The exploration of existential questions adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

While the plot progression is subtle, the scene's focus on character introspection and thematic exploration drives the narrative forward in a meaningful way. The emotional depth of the characters enhances the plot development.

Originality: 9

The scene explores universal themes of life and death in a fresh and thought-provoking way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' vulnerability and introspection in the face of mortality make them relatable and compelling. Their emotional depth and nuanced reactions add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional shifts and introspective moments as they grapple with the theme of death, showing vulnerability and self-awareness. These changes contribute to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Caden, is grappling with thoughts of mortality and the inevitability of death. His internal goal is to explore these themes unflinchingly and create a piece of theater that reflects the human experience.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to create a piece of theater that is honest and reflective of the human condition. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of translating his internal thoughts into a tangible artistic expression.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and existential, revolving around the characters' contemplation of mortality. While there is tension in their reflections, the conflict is primarily philosophical.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters holding conflicting beliefs and attitudes that challenge each other's worldviews. The uncertainty of how these conflicts will be resolved adds depth to the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more existential and emotional, as the characters confront the inevitability of death and grapple with their mortality. The personal and philosophical stakes are high for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character introspection and thematic exploration than plot progression, it deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting beliefs and attitudes towards death, creating tension and uncertainty about how their conversations will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing beliefs and attitudes towards death. Caden's existential musings clash with Claire's more optimistic outlook, creating tension and challenging their worldviews.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its exploration of mortality and the characters' vulnerable moments. The emotional depth and rawness of the characters' reflections resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is introspective, philosophical, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' thoughts and feelings about death. It adds depth to the scene and enhances character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its deep emotional resonance, thought-provoking themes, and authentic character interactions. The tension and introspection keep the audience captivated.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the characters' conversations to unfold naturally and resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions that enhance the emotional impact of the characters' interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the characters' internal struggles and philosophical conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's existential crisis and his preoccupation with death, which is a central theme throughout the screenplay. However, the dialogue could benefit from more varied emotional beats to enhance the tension and engagement among the characters. The long pauses and silence can be powerful, but they risk losing the audience's attention if not balanced with more dynamic exchanges.
  • Caden's monologue about dying is poignant, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the reactions of the other characters. Claire's response, while supportive, seems to undercut the gravity of Caden's statement. This could be an opportunity for the other actors to express their own fears or thoughts about mortality, creating a richer dialogue and a more collaborative atmosphere.
  • The transition from the rehearsal hall to Caden reading Olive's diary is abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose Caden's current emotional state with Olive's innocent perspective, the shift could be smoother. Consider adding a visual or thematic bridge that connects the two settings more cohesively.
  • Caden's physical discomfort, indicated by the bleeding mouth, is a strong visual cue that adds to the tension. However, it could be more explicitly tied to his emotional state. For instance, if his physical pain is a metaphor for his emotional turmoil, this connection could be made clearer through his dialogue or internal thoughts.
  • The use of Hazel's answering machine and Claire's phone call is an interesting narrative device, but it feels somewhat disjointed. The humor in Caden's giggling and embarrassment contrasts sharply with the serious themes of the scene. This tonal shift could be refined to maintain a consistent emotional arc.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more dialogue from the other actors in the rehearsal hall to create a more interactive and dynamic discussion about death. This could deepen the exploration of the theme and provide varied perspectives.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of Caden's monologue by allowing the other characters to react more profoundly. This could involve them sharing their own fears or experiences related to death, fostering a sense of camaraderie and vulnerability.
  • Smooth the transition between the rehearsal scene and Caden reading Olive's diary by adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that links the two scenes, such as a lingering shot on Caden's face as he contemplates his daughter.
  • Make the connection between Caden's physical pain and emotional distress more explicit. This could involve him reflecting on how his health issues are impacting his relationships and sense of self, reinforcing the theme of mortality.
  • Refine the tonal shifts in the scene to maintain a consistent emotional arc. If humor is used, ensure it serves to enhance the overall theme rather than distract from it. Consider using Caden's humor as a coping mechanism that contrasts with the seriousness of his situation.



Scene 24 -  Contrasting Connections
68 INT. QUINCY'S - 2010 - NIGHT 68

Caden waits in a booth, nursing a martini, watching people
walk in, but not Claire. After a bit, Hazel enters with
Derek from the burning house. She's laughing and doesn't see
Caden. He slinks back into the booth. They sit at a table
not far from Caden, who can hear their conversation.

HAZEL DEREK
(giggly) I'm just asking.
Stop!

HAZEL
You are so obnoxious!

DEREK
You're so obnoxious.

HAZEL
Yeah, well, you find it awfully
charming. My obnoxiousity.

DEREK
Obnoxiousity is not a word.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 51.
68 CONTINUED: 68

HAZEL
You don't want to cross me.

DEREK
Don't I?

HAZEL
No. Because you like me so much.

DEREK
True. I like your obnoxiousity.

HAZEL
And my use of the word
"obnoxiousity."

DEREK
Yes.

HAZEL
Yes. You're delicious in your
acquiescence.

Claire enters, looks for Caden. She spots Hazel first.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Hi, Claire.

CLAIRE
Hi...!

HAZEL
Hazel.

CLAIRE
Of course. Hazel. I knew that!
Duh! The box office.

HAZEL
Yes, I'm the box office.

CLAIRE
How are you?

HAZEL
Wonderful! You?

CLAIRE
Fine, thanks. I was supposed to
meet Caden here. You know Mr.
Cotard, right?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 52.
68 CONTINUED: (2) 68

HAZEL
Yes, I recall Mr. Cotard.

Hazel looks around now, too. Both spot Caden at the same
time. He smiles and waves and approaches.

CADEN
Oh, hey.

HAZEL CLAIRE
Hi, Caden. Hi, Caden.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Hi, Hazel. Hi, Claire.

HAZEL
This is Derek.

CADEN CLAIRE
Hi, Derek. Hi, Derek.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Hi, Derek.

DEREK
Hi.

CADEN
How's everything, Haze... ul?

HAZEL
Great, Cade. En.

CADEN CLAIRE
Good. It's good to see you. (awkwardly)
Reunion night! How lovely!

HAZEL (CONT’D)
Yes.

HAZEL CADEN
So -- We'll leave you be.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Derek and I --

CADEN HAZEL
No, of course. It was nice Take care.
seeing you.

Caden and Claire go to Caden's booth.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 53.
68 CONTINUED: (3) 68

CLAIRE
That was awkward.

CADEN
Yeah, I guess.

Caden steals glances at Hazel, chatting animatedly,
throughout his conversation with Claire. He hears occasional
snippets.

CLAIRE
Let's talk about our project. I'm
so excited about it.

CADEN
Really? Why?

CLAIRE
I just think it's... brave. I feel
like I'm going to be part of a
revolution. I keep thinking Artaud.
I keep thinking Krapp's Last Tape.
Grotowski, for Christ's sake!

CADEN
I don't know what I'm doing.

CLAIRE HAZEL
But that's what's so ... cryptology...
refreshing. I mean, how much
prepackaged ...

CLAIRE
... theater can we take as a
country? Y'know? Knowing that you
don't know is the first and most
essential step to knowing. Y'know?

CADEN
I don't know.

CLAIRE HAZEL
I'm proud of you. Ptolemy was the first to
divide the day into 24...

CLAIRE
So tell me what you want from me?

CADEN
Hmm?

CLAIRE
From my character.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 54.
68 CONTINUED: (4) 68

CADEN
Oh. Well, we'll build it over
time together. Find a real person,
maybe, to model it after.

CLAIRE HAZEL
That sounds fun. ...hairstyle called a beaver
tail. It's a loop of hair...

CLAIRE
That Hazel girl is kind of
interesting, maybe. As a model.

CADEN
Um, yeah. Something to think
about. Sure. Although --

CLAIRE CADEN
Y'know, why is she still I don't know. Probably not
working in a box office at that interesting.
her age?

CLAIRE CADEN
There's got to be a story Yeah. Could be. We'll talk
there. Did she want to be an about it.
actress but lacked
confidence? You seem
distracted.

CADEN (CONT'D)
No. I have these health issues.

CLAIRE HAZEL
It's late. ... and the jet, it exploded,
and she was sent plummeting.

CADEN (CONT'D) CLAIRE
Um... Well, we can talk more
tomorrow maybe.

CADEN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry.
(pause)
When I get tired I have to remember
to breathe. It's a new thing. My
autonomic functions are failing.

CLAIRE
Poor darling. It's fine.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 55.
68 CONTINUED: (5) 68

CADEN CLAIRE
I'm just ... (grabbing his hand)
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Claire leads Caden past Hazel and Derek, deep in
conversation, heads close together.

HAZEL
Whitrow says, "If a mind is
regarded to be a memory-based
process of integration..."
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Caden anxiously waits for Claire at Quincy’s, distracted by the lively banter between Hazel and Derek. When Claire arrives, she enthusiastically discusses their project, but Caden's internal struggles with his health and feelings of awkwardness overshadow their conversation. The scene highlights the contrast between Caden's isolation and the playful interactions of Hazel and Derek, culminating in Caden feeling disconnected as Claire leads him past the engaged couple.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character interactions
  • Tone and atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the awkwardness of social interactions, provides insight into the characters' relationships and emotions, and sets up potential conflicts and developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of awkward reunions and social interactions is effectively explored, adding depth to the characters and setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as characters interact and reveal their thoughts and feelings, setting up potential conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dialogue and character interactions, offering a nuanced portrayal of relationships and communication. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed through their interactions, dialogue, and reactions, showcasing their personalities, relationships, and potential arcs.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there are hints of potential growth and development based on the interactions and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to navigate his feelings towards Hazel and Claire, as he observes their interactions and conversations. This reflects his desire for connection and understanding in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and politeness in his interactions with Hazel and Claire, despite his internal turmoil. This reflects his desire to avoid conflict and awkwardness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is more subtle in this scene, focusing on underlying tensions and potential conflicts rather than overt confrontations.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with underlying tensions and conflicts that add depth to the character interactions. The audience is left wondering about the true intentions and feelings of the characters.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal interactions and relationships rather than high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing relationships, revealing character dynamics, and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of character interactions and revelations, keeping the audience guessing about the direction of the relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of communication, authenticity, and self-awareness. The characters' dialogue highlights the contrast between surface-level interactions and deeper emotional truths.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from awkwardness to reflection, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging, revealing, and authentic, capturing the awkwardness and playfulness of the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, tension, and emotional depth. The interactions between characters and the unfolding dynamics keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and interaction to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene descriptions, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-driven sequence in a screenplay, with clear character introductions, interactions, and developments.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Caden and Hazel, as well as Caden's internal struggles. However, the dialogue can feel a bit disjointed at times, particularly with the rapid shifts between Caden's conversation with Claire and the snippets of Hazel's conversation with Derek. This could confuse the audience and detract from the emotional weight of Caden's experience.
  • Caden's emotional state is well-established through his actions and dialogue, but the scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, incorporating Caden's body language or facial expressions could provide deeper insight into his feelings of jealousy and insecurity as he observes Hazel and Derek.
  • The dialogue between Hazel and Derek is playful but lacks depth. While it serves to contrast Caden's serious demeanor, it might be more effective if it revealed more about their relationship or provided insight into Hazel's character. This would create a stronger emotional impact when Caden witnesses their interaction.
  • Caden's health issues are mentioned but not fully explored in this scene. Given the context of his struggles, it would be beneficial to weave in more references to his physical state, perhaps through his interactions with Claire or his internal thoughts, to heighten the stakes of his emotional turmoil.
  • The transition from Caden's booth to the conversation with Claire feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged. Consider using Caden's observations of Hazel and Derek as a bridge to his conversation with Claire.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by incorporating more visual storytelling elements, such as Caden's body language or close-ups on his expressions, to convey his feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
  • Consider deepening the dialogue between Hazel and Derek to reveal more about their relationship and Hazel's character, which would create a stronger emotional contrast with Caden's experience.
  • Weave in more references to Caden's health issues throughout the scene, particularly in his interactions with Claire, to emphasize the weight of his struggles and how they affect his emotional state.
  • Smooth the transition between Caden's booth and his conversation with Claire by using Caden's observations of Hazel and Derek as a bridge, allowing for a more cohesive flow in the scene.
  • Explore the theme of connection versus disconnection more explicitly in the dialogue, perhaps by having Caden express his feelings of isolation more directly to Claire, which would heighten the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 25 -  A Cold Night of Grief
69 EXT. DOWNTOWN SCHENECTADY STREET - WINTER 2010 - NIGHT 69

Caden and Claire walk. It's bitterly cold. They pass a store
window advertising a Presidents Day sale. The female
mannequins are dressed as Lincoln and Washington. Caden
glances at their star-spangled bikini-bottomed crotches.

CLAIRE
My mother died last night.

CADEN
My God. I'm so sorry. What are
you doing out?

CLAIRE
Ugh, I couldn't deal with my
sisters. It's like living in a
Heironymous Bosch painting.

CADEN
Oh. I see. Well, um, What
happened to your mother, if I could
ask? I mean, God, that's an awful
thing to ask. I'm sorry. I don't
mean to -- It's just that, I'm --

CLAIRE
Oh, this is me. No, it's okay.
She fell. Slipped in her bathroom.
Hit her head. It actually split in
half. Horrible.

They stop at a small hatchback with a cow painted on it.

CADEN
In half?

CLAIRE
Yes. Well, it was nice meeting
you. Did I say "meeting"? Ugh,
I'm such an idiot.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 56.
69 CONTINUED: 69

CADEN CLAIRE
Slip of the tongue is all. Freudian slip.

CADEN
I don't know how it's Freudian.

CLAIRE
Y'know. Like "meet"? To meet?

CADEN
Oh. Well, I'm sorry about your
mother. In half?

CLAIRE
It's okay. It's life. It's --

Claire's face contorts into a horrifying, paralyzed grimace.

CADEN
What is it? What?

She weeps silently, with gaping mouth. Caden awkwardly
embraces her. She remains stiff.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Do you want me to drive you home?

She shakes her head "no" over and over. Then she looks in at
her reflection in the car window.

CLAIRE
Sometimes when I cry, I watch
myself so I can remember how it
looks for future roles. It's
horrible. I hate myself.

CADEN
It's okay. Everyone does that.
It's -- is there anything I can do?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary On a frigid winter night in downtown Schenectady, Caden and Claire walk together as Claire reveals the tragic news of her mother's death. Struggling with her grief and discomfort within her family, Claire experiences an emotional breakdown, silently weeping as she reflects on her feelings and self-image. Despite Caden's awkward attempts to comfort her, Claire chooses to face her emotions alone, ultimately declining his offer for a ride home. The scene captures a poignant moment of vulnerability amidst the cold, with Claire's reflection in a car window symbolizing her inner turmoil.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of sadness and compassion through the interaction between Caden and Claire. The awkwardness adds a layer of realism to the emotional exchange, making it relatable and poignant.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief and connection in a raw and authentic way is well-executed in this scene. The focus on the characters' emotional responses to loss adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the emotional impact and character development are significant. The interaction between Caden and Claire reveals important insights into their personalities and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to dealing with grief and self-perception, with unique character interactions and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Claire are well-developed in this scene, with their emotions and vulnerabilities on full display. The contrast between Caden's awkward attempts at comfort and Claire's raw grief adds depth to their dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it deepens the emotional complexity of Caden and Claire, revealing more about their personalities and vulnerabilities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to comfort Claire after learning about her mother's death. This reflects his desire to connect with others and offer support in times of need.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to offer Claire a ride home and provide emotional support. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with Claire's grief and offering practical help.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in this scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with grief and connection. While there is tension in the awkwardness of the interaction, it is not driven by external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Claire's internal struggle with grief and self-hatred, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension in the interaction with Caden.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles with grief and connection. While important for character development, the stakes are not high in terms of external conflict.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides important insights into the characters' emotional journeys and relationships. It adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shifts in tone, from somber moments of grief to awkward humor and introspection.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Claire's struggle with grief and self-hatred, and Caden's attempt to offer comfort and understanding. This challenges their beliefs about coping with loss and self-perception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, sympathy, and compassion in the audience. The raw and authentic portrayal of grief and connection resonates on a deep emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and complexities of the characters, capturing the awkwardness and compassion of the moment. The natural flow of conversation adds to the realism of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the dark humor in their interactions, and the tension between grief and self-perception.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of emotional depth to breathe, while also maintaining a sense of tension and engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for character-driven dialogue scenes, with a clear progression of emotional beats and character development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of Claire's mother's death, but the dialogue can feel a bit disjointed and awkward, particularly in the way Caden tries to navigate the conversation. This awkwardness can be effective in conveying Caden's discomfort, but it may also detract from the emotional gravity of Claire's situation. The juxtaposition of the mannequins in the store window with the serious topic of death feels somewhat jarring and could be better integrated to enhance the thematic resonance.
  • Claire's description of her mother's death is visceral and impactful, but the transition from this heavy moment to the light-hearted banter about Freudian slips feels abrupt. While humor can be a coping mechanism, the tonal shift might confuse the audience about how to feel in this moment. The dialogue could benefit from a more gradual transition that maintains the emotional weight while allowing for some levity.
  • Caden's character is portrayed as empathetic but also somewhat self-involved, as he seems to struggle with his own discomfort rather than fully engaging with Claire's grief. This could be an intentional choice to highlight his character's flaws, but it risks alienating the audience from his perspective. A deeper exploration of Caden's internal conflict could enhance his character development and make his responses feel more genuine.
  • The visual elements, such as the cold setting and the cow-painted hatchback, add a layer of absurdity that contrasts with the somber subject matter. However, these visuals could be more thematically tied to the characters' emotional states. For instance, the cow could symbolize something about Claire's situation or Caden's perspective, creating a more cohesive scene.
  • The ending, where Claire reflects on her crying and self-image, is poignant but could be expanded to provide more insight into her character. This moment hints at her struggles with self-worth, which could be a significant theme throughout the screenplay. Exploring this further could create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create a smoother transition between the heavy topic of death and the lighter moments. This could involve adding a brief pause or a more thoughtful response from Caden before the humor is introduced.
  • Enhance Caden's emotional engagement by allowing him to express more vulnerability in response to Claire's grief. This could involve him sharing a personal story or memory that relates to loss, creating a deeper connection between the characters.
  • Explore the visual symbolism of the setting and props more thoroughly. For example, the cow-painted hatchback could be used to reflect Claire's emotional state or serve as a metaphor for her situation, adding depth to the scene.
  • Expand on Claire's moment of self-reflection after crying. This could involve her articulating her feelings about her mother's death and her own self-image, providing a more profound insight into her character and making her struggles relatable to the audience.
  • Consider incorporating a moment of silence or stillness after Claire's emotional breakdown to allow the audience to absorb the weight of the moment before moving on to the next beat of the scene.



Scene 26 -  Whispers of Loss and Desire
70 EXT. CEMETERY - 2010 - DAY 70

Caden sits with Claire and a large congregation. She rests
her hand on Caden's.

MINISTER
...there she met Ralph Keene. They
fell in love, married, and soon
their first child, Claire was born.

The minister's voice goes under.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 56A.
70 CONTINUED: 70

CLAIRE
(crying whisper to Caden)
I used to be a baby.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 57.
70 CONTINUED: (2) 70

CADEN
I'm so sorry.

CLAIRE
I was a baby girl with hair of spun
gold, the prettiest baby anyone had
ever seen. One day the townsfolk,
who were jealous of my beauty,
decided to steal me away.

71 OMITTED 71

72 INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM (SCHENECTADY APT.) - 2010 - DAY 72

Curtains drawn, the room glows with afternoon sunlight.
Caden sits on the bed. Claire enters naked from the
bathroom, brushing her teeth and talking.

CLAIRE CADEN
There was a knock at the God, you're beautiful.
door.

CLAIRE
(sits on bed next to him)
It was a bearded old man.

Caden can hold out no longer. He kisses her. They fall back
on the bed. He kisses her all over as she continues to tell
the story. Her voice becomes irresistibly melodious.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
He said to me, "young lady, I have
in my satchel a ring. Whomever
possesses it will receive all the
magic of the woodland sprites."

CADEN CLAIRE
(eyes blurring, head (spreading her legs)
lolling, breathing her "You can have this ring if
in) you promise me one thing."
I have to fuck you. I have "Anything," I whispered in
to. his ear.

Caden and Claire are having sex now.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
He said, "There is one more thing.
You must never tell anyone what you
promised me. If you do, you will
die."
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 58.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary At a funeral for Claire's mother, a minister's eulogy prompts Claire to share a vulnerable childhood story with Caden about being a beautiful baby girl nearly stolen by jealous townsfolk. This leads to a transition to Claire's bedroom, where she recounts a fantastical tale involving a bearded old man and a magical ring, culminating in an intimate sexual encounter between her and Caden. The scene captures the emotional turmoil of grief intertwined with moments of connection and desire.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate moments
  • Poetic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of emotional depth and vulnerability through the interaction between Caden and Claire. The blend of fantasy elements with real-life emotions adds complexity and richness to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining a fantastical story with a moment of physical intimacy between two characters is innovative and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and explores themes of beauty, magic, and secrecy.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression in this scene is minimal, the focus on character development and emotional depth drives the narrative forward. The scene serves as a pivotal moment in exploring the relationship between Caden and Claire.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and fresh approach to themes of love and loss, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Claire are well-developed in this scene, showcasing vulnerability, longing, and emotional complexity. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and deepen the audience's connection to them.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Claire experience emotional shifts in this scene, revealing vulnerabilities and deepening their connection. The moment of intimacy leads to a greater understanding of their inner worlds.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to comfort Claire and express empathy for her emotional turmoil. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to support Claire during the funeral service and provide emotional support.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and vulnerabilities. While there is tension in Claire's story, the main focus is on the emotional connection between Caden and Claire.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and emotional depth, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' inner struggles and vulnerabilities. While there is tension and intimacy, the main focus is on the emotional connection between Caden and Claire.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly move the main plot forward, it serves as a crucial moment in developing the relationship between Caden and Claire. It adds depth to their characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and character dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between the themes of love, loss, and mortality evident in this scene. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about life and death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and empathy in the audience. The intimate moments between Caden and Claire resonate deeply, creating a poignant and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is poetic, intimate, and emotionally charged. It effectively conveys the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intimate character interactions, and vivid imagery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up the emotional tone and character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene juxtaposes a somber funeral with a fantastical and intimate moment between Caden and Claire, which creates a stark tonal shift. While this contrast can be powerful, it risks confusing the audience if not executed with clarity. The transition from the minister's eulogy to Claire's whimsical recollection of her childhood feels abrupt and may detract from the emotional weight of the funeral.
  • Claire's dialogue about being a beautiful baby girl and the townsfolk wanting to steal her away introduces a fairy tale-like quality that contrasts sharply with the reality of the funeral. This could be seen as a coping mechanism for Claire, but it may also come off as disjointed if not framed properly. The audience might struggle to connect with her emotional state if the transition isn't handled delicately.
  • The physical intimacy between Caden and Claire, following the heavy emotional context of the funeral, could be interpreted as either a moment of connection or a distraction from the gravity of the situation. The scene risks trivializing the funeral's significance if the sexual encounter is not grounded in a deeper emotional context that reflects their shared grief.
  • Caden's response to Claire's fantastical story ('I'm so sorry') feels somewhat flat and may not fully capture the complexity of his feelings in that moment. It would benefit from more depth or a more nuanced reaction that reflects his understanding of Claire's emotional state.
  • The dialogue in the intimate scene shifts quickly from a fantastical narrative to sexual dialogue, which may feel jarring. The transition could be smoothed out with more gradual shifts in tone or pacing to maintain the audience's engagement and emotional investment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Caden after the minister's eulogy before transitioning to Claire's story. This could help ground the audience in the emotional weight of the funeral and provide a clearer context for Claire's whimsical recollection.
  • Explore Claire's emotional state more deeply before she begins her story. Perhaps she could express her grief more explicitly, allowing the audience to understand her need to escape into a fantasy as a coping mechanism.
  • When transitioning to the intimate moment, consider using visual cues or sound design to bridge the gap between the funeral and the bedroom scene. This could help maintain emotional continuity and prevent the audience from feeling disoriented.
  • Enhance Caden's dialogue in response to Claire's story to reflect a deeper emotional connection. He could share a memory or a thought that resonates with her narrative, reinforcing their bond amidst the chaos of their lives.
  • Ensure that the sexual encounter feels like a natural progression of their emotional journey rather than a sudden shift. This could involve more dialogue that reflects their shared vulnerability and the complexities of their relationship, making the intimacy feel earned and meaningful.



Scene 27 -  Tensions of Commitment
73 INT. CLAIRE'S BATHROOM (SCHENECTADY APT.) - 2010 - DAY 73

Claire sits on the toilet and pees.

CLAIRE
So I used my new power to kill all
the townsfolk. Horrible,
humiliating deaths. I was reunited
with my family. And I lived
happily ever after, doing only good
with my new powers.

Caden cries and rests his head on her thigh.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
Why are you crying, honey?

CADEN
I'm so in love with you.

Claire smiles, strokes his hair.

CADEN (CONT'D)
I have problems, Claire. I'm still
attached to my wife. I have also --
I have also -- feelings for Hazel.

CLAIRE
(wiping)
Really? Hazel? Oh. Really? Our
Hazel? That's really interesting.
I must've picked that up
unconsciously. Wow. Boy. Gosh.

CADEN
I've left them behind. I've gone
somewhere without them. I'm guilty
of so much.

CLAIRE
It's okay. We'll be fine. You're
with me now. We'll be good.

74 EXT. PARK - 2010 - DAY 74

Caden and Claire get married. Caden is saying his vows.

CADEN
There will be no other before you.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 59.


75 INT. SCHENECTADY POST OFFICE - WINTER 2010 - DAY 75

Caden stands in line with a gift-wrapped box addressed to
Olive. The clerks at the counter wear Santa hats and beards.

76 INT. TINY, CRAMPED REHEARSAL HALL - 2011 - DAY 76

Actors piled in. Claire sits at a makeshift "box-office."
Davis approaches. Caden circles the action. There are
ponderous pauses.

DAVIS CLAIRE
I'd like to buy a ticket. Okay. That'll be forty
dollars.

DAVIS CLAIRE
Okay. Forty dollars it is. Okay. Here's your ticket.

CADEN
Okay, hold it. We're not really --
I think we need to work on your
characters individually. We need
to investigate, to really discover
the essence of each being. Davis,
I'll start with you.

Caden walks off with Davis. Claire seethes.

77 INT. CLAIRE'S KITCHEN (SCHENECTADY APT.) - WINTER 2011 - 77
NIGHT

Claire chops vegetables. Caden feeds a baby. Christmas
decorations are up.

CLAIRE
Davis, I'll start with you.
There's a difference between
favoring me and pretending we've
never met. I mean, we had Ariel, I
think people know we've fucked.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 60.
77 CONTINUED: 77

CADEN CLAIRE
That's not the point. Apparently not. I would've
guessed you were sleeping
with Davis.

CADEN CLAIRE
We'll talk about your Maybe you are. I just want
character after we get Ariel to feel what we used to feel.
to bed. Okay? Y'know?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a bathroom in Schenectady, Claire discusses her newfound powers and dark fantasies while Caden expresses his love and emotional struggles regarding past relationships. Claire reassures him of their future together. The scene transitions to their wedding in a park, where Caden vows his commitment to Claire. However, underlying tensions and complexities in their relationships are revealed through interactions with Davis, highlighting Caden's emotional turmoil as they navigate their feelings amidst moments of intimacy and humor.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Authentic character portrayal
  • Intimate dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the raw emotions and internal conflicts of the characters, creating a poignant and intimate atmosphere that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring love, guilt, and emotional conflict within relationships is effectively realized through the interactions between Caden and Claire, providing insight into their inner turmoil.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal, the focus on character emotions and relationships drives the scene forward, revealing important insights into the characters' inner worlds.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring complex relationships and internal conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Claire are richly developed, showcasing their vulnerabilities, conflicts, and emotional complexities in a compelling and authentic manner.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Claire experience emotional growth and self-realization through their interactions, leading to a deeper understanding of their own feelings and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to address his feelings of guilt and attachment to his wife and another woman, Hazel. It reflects his deeper needs for emotional connection and resolution of his conflicting emotions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate his relationships with Claire, his wife, and Hazel. It reflects the immediate challenge of balancing his feelings for multiple women and resolving his guilt.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, revolving around the characters' emotional struggles and conflicting feelings within their relationships.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, unresolved relationships, and internal struggles that create tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are primarily emotional, revolving around the characters' relationships and inner conflicts, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character emotions than plot progression, it provides important insights into the characters' inner worlds and relationships, moving the story forward emotionally.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and character dynamics that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with loyalty, guilt, and emotional attachment. It challenges his beliefs about love, commitment, and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking empathy and connection with the characters' raw and vulnerable portrayal of love, guilt, and inner turmoil.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Caden and Claire is intimate, honest, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying their inner thoughts and feelings to the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, intimate character interactions, and unresolved conflicts that keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of introspection, emotional tension, and character dynamics to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Claire casually discussing her newfound powers while sitting on the toilet, which creates a jarring contrast between the mundane act of peeing and the fantastical narrative she shares. This juxtaposition could be more effective if it were framed in a way that highlights the absurdity of the situation, perhaps by emphasizing Caden's emotional response to her story.
  • Caden's emotional vulnerability is a strong point in this scene, as he expresses his love for Claire and his guilt over his past relationships. However, the transition from Claire's whimsical story about killing townsfolk to Caden's serious confession feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the emotional flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Claire's reaction to Caden's feelings for Hazel is somewhat dismissive, which could undermine the gravity of Caden's confession. Instead of a surprised response, Claire could express her own insecurities or fears about their relationship, adding depth to her character and creating a more complex dynamic between them.
  • The dialogue in this scene is a mix of light-heartedness and serious themes, but it lacks a clear tonal consistency. The whimsical nature of Claire's story contrasts sharply with Caden's emotional turmoil, which may confuse the audience. Establishing a more cohesive tone throughout the scene would help clarify the emotional stakes.
  • The wedding scene that follows feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding dialogue. While it serves as a narrative progression, it lacks a clear emotional bridge from Caden's confession to the vows. Adding a moment of reflection or hesitation from Caden before the vows could enhance the emotional weight of the commitment he is making.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Caden's emotional state before Claire begins her story. This could help set the tone and provide context for his reactions to her whimsical narrative.
  • Enhance the transition between Claire's fantastical story and Caden's confession by incorporating a moment where Caden reflects on the absurdity of her story in relation to his own feelings, creating a more seamless emotional connection.
  • Allow Claire to express her own vulnerabilities in response to Caden's confession about Hazel. This could deepen their relationship and create a more engaging dialogue that resonates with the audience.
  • Work on establishing a consistent tone throughout the scene. If the intention is to blend humor with serious themes, consider using Caden's reactions to Claire's story to highlight the absurdity of their situation while still addressing the gravity of his feelings.
  • Before the wedding vows, include a moment where Caden grapples with his feelings of guilt and commitment. This could add depth to the scene and make the vows feel more significant in light of his earlier confession.



Scene 28 -  Torn Between Two Worlds
78 INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM (SCHENECTADY APT.)- WINTER 2011 - 78
NIGHT

Claire sits on the bed and seems almost in a trance. She
looks haggard and her cheeks are tear-stained.

CLAIRE
She's 36. Works in a theater box
office. She had acting aspirations
but lacked the confidence to pursue
them. Her life is passing by. She
is alone. She's old and ugly --

CADEN
I think you should pick another
subject. Other than Hazel.

CLAIRE
Sacred ground?

CADEN
No. It's just. I don't feel like
there's enough there.

Claire thinks for a moment.

CLAIRE
I suppose not. She is limited.
Okay. There's this single mother
who lives downstairs. I find her
really deep and sad.

CADEN
Tell me.

CLAIRE
I'm 42. I have a small child and
no husband. I work long hours as a
cashier at a mini-mart. Sometimes
I worry my child will not even
recognize me when I come home --

Claire cries like she did when her mother died. Ariel cries.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 60A.
78 CONTINUED: 78

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
Check on her. Please, sweetie.
I'm arriving at something.

79 INT. CLAIRE'S LIVING ROOM (SCHENECTADY APT.) - WINTER 2011 - 79
NIGHT

Ariel sleeps in a crib in the corner of the living room.
Caden sits on a tiny chair, thumbing through a magazine.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 61.
79 CONTINUED: 79

Claire weeps off-screen. Caden sees an article entitled
"Flower Girl", featuring a photo of a naked Olive, smiling,
her body covered from neck to ankle in tattoos of flowers.
The article begins, "Ten year old Olive Wittgart of Berlin is
the first child in human history with a full body tattoo... "
Caden stares in disbelief. Claire pokes her head in. Her
eyes are red.

CLAIRE CADEN
Caden, I've made a I have to go find my
breakthrough. This woman is daughter.
beautiful. I've got --

CLAIRE
Your daughter is right here.

CADEN
My real daughter.

CLAIRE CADEN
What? My first daughter. Olive.
I've got to find her.

CLAIRE
Please don't do this to us.

CADEN
She's tattooed!

CLAIRE
(revealing massive tattoo
on back)
Everyone's tattooed!

CADEN CLAIRE
I've never seen that before. You have responsibilities.

CADEN
I'll be quick. I'll do it quick.

CLAIRE
Everyone's tattooed. Please.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a poignant scene set in Claire's bedroom, she grapples with her emotional turmoil while discussing a character named Hazel, reflecting her own feelings of limitation and isolation. Caden, her partner, urges her to change the subject, leading her to focus on a single mother who shares her struggles. As Claire becomes increasingly emotional, she asks Caden to check on their sleeping child, Ariel. During this moment, Caden discovers an article about their estranged daughter, Olive, igniting his desperate desire to reconnect with her. This revelation creates a conflict between Caden's longing for Olive and his responsibilities to Claire and Ariel. Despite Claire's pleas for him to stay, Caden insists on leaving, highlighting the unresolved tension between their past and present.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and introduces a significant plot development with Olive's tattoo reveal. The dialogue is poignant and reveals the inner struggles of the characters, creating a compelling and engaging atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring deep-seated fears and insecurities through character revelations is well-executed. The introduction of Olive's tattoo adds a layer of complexity to the narrative, raising questions about identity and self-perception.

Plot: 8.5

The plot progresses significantly with the revelation of Olive's tattoo, adding a new dimension to the characters' relationships and personal struggles. The scene moves the story forward while deepening the emotional stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and emotionally charged situations, such as Olive's full body tattoo and the characters' internal struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, particularly Claire and Caden, undergo emotional growth and introspection in this scene. Claire's vulnerability and Caden's shock and determination to find Olive showcase their depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Both Claire and Caden undergo significant emotional changes in this scene. Claire confronts her insecurities and fears, while Caden is forced to reevaluate his perceptions of his daughter and his responsibilities.

Internal Goal: 8

Claire's internal goal is to find a subject for her artistic project that resonates with her on a deep emotional level. This reflects her need for connection and understanding in her own life.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to find his first daughter, Olive, who he believes is in danger due to her full body tattoo. This reflects his immediate challenge and the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters confront their deepest fears and insecurities. Claire's emotional breakdown and Caden's shock at Olive's tattoo create tension and uncertainty.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and responsibilities creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the characters will resolve their conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised as Claire and Caden grapple with personal revelations and emotional turmoil. Claire's breakdown and Caden's determination to find Olive heighten the emotional and narrative tension in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development with Olive's tattoo reveal. This revelation deepens the characters' arcs and sets the stage for further exploration of identity and family dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelation of Olive's full body tattoo and the characters' emotional reactions. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' conflicting desires and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' responsibilities and desires. Caden's desire to find his daughter conflicts with Claire's plea for him to stay and fulfill his responsibilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, empathy, and surprise from the audience. Claire's vulnerability and Caden's shock resonate deeply, drawing viewers into the characters' emotional journeys.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters effectively. Claire's raw honesty and Caden's sense of urgency create a compelling dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intense character interactions, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Claire's emotional turmoil and the weight of her responsibilities as a mother, which adds depth to her character. However, the transition from discussing Hazel to the single mother downstairs feels abrupt. It would benefit from a smoother segue that connects Claire's feelings about Hazel to her own experiences as a mother.
  • Caden's reaction to Claire's emotional breakdown is somewhat passive. While he expresses concern for his daughter, his urgency feels disconnected from Claire's emotional state. This could be enhanced by showing more of Caden's internal conflict, perhaps through his body language or a brief internal monologue that reflects his struggle between his responsibilities to Claire and his desire to find Olive.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Claire is impactful, but it could be more dynamic. The repetition of 'everyone's tattooed' feels slightly redundant and could be replaced with a more varied expression of Claire's frustration. This would help maintain the emotional intensity without losing momentum.
  • The visual elements in the scene are strong, particularly the contrast between Claire's tear-stained face and the article about Olive. However, the setting could be described in more detail to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, mentioning the clutter of the living room or the dim lighting could amplify the sense of chaos and emotional weight in their lives.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The emotional climax occurs when Claire reveals her breakthrough, but Caden's immediate response about finding Olive feels rushed. This could be improved by allowing a moment of silence or reflection after Claire's revelation before Caden reacts, heightening the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Claire reflects on her feelings about Hazel before transitioning to the single mother. This could create a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • Enhance Caden's emotional response by incorporating more physicality or internal thoughts that reveal his conflict between wanting to find Olive and being present for Claire.
  • Revise the dialogue to avoid redundancy. Instead of repeating 'everyone's tattooed,' find a different way for Claire to express her frustration or disbelief that resonates with her emotional state.
  • Include more descriptive details about the setting to create a stronger atmosphere that reflects the characters' emotional struggles.
  • Allow for a moment of silence or reflection after Claire's breakthrough before Caden reacts. This will give the audience time to absorb the weight of her revelation and increase the impact of Caden's urgency.



Scene 29 -  Fragments of Identity
80 INT. PLANE - 2011 - NIGHT 80

It's dark; most people are sleeping. Caden reads Getting
Better.

VOICE
Redundancy is fluid. Life moves to
the south. There is only the now.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 62.
80 CONTINUED: 80

MADELINE
Hi.

He sees Madeline sitting across the aisle. She is different,
sexier in make-up and a tight dress.

MADELINE (CONT'D)
When you cancelled, it freed me up.
So I'm traveling, too! Yippee!

CADEN
I'm not sure I'm getting the book.

MADELINE
But it's getting you. You're
almost non-recognizable now.

Madeline spreads her legs a bit and smiles at Caden. He
nervously grins, goes back to his book. He reads:

VOICE
I offer my flower to you and you
deny it. This book is over.

He turns the page. Blank. The rest of the book is blank.
He looks over at Madeline. She is watching a movie.

81 EXT. BERLIN STREET - 2011 - DAY 81

Caden wanders a dirty store-front street looking for an
address. He finds it. An art gallery. He enters.

82 INT. GALLERY - 2011 - DAY 82

The walls are hung with hundreds of Adele's tiny paintings.

CADEN GERMAN WOMAN
I don't speak German. I was - Yes yes. I may help you,
- Mister?

CADEN
I'm looking for Adele Cotard.

GERMAN WOMAN
Yes. We must not give addresses or
other personal informations.

CADEN
I'm her husband.

GERMAN WOMAN
No. You are not her husbands,
which is named Gunther und Heinz.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 63.


83 EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE - 2015 - DAY 83

Caden sits nursing a coffee. Maria approaches and sits down.

CADEN
You're here, too?

MARIA
I live with Adele and Olive and
Gunther und Heinz and Uschi and
Britt. I'm everyone's nanny.

CADEN MARIA
I want to see my daughter. They sent me.

CADEN MARIA
They? And who the fuck are They decided it's not time to
Uschi and Britt? see you yet.

CADEN
Maria, I can't believe Adele got
her tattooed like that. I mean --

MARIA
I did that. Olive's my project.

CADEN
She's a four year old!

MARIA
She's almost over eleven now.
She's my muse. I love her.

Caden stares at her for a moment, then lunges. He punches
her repeatedly as she tries to get away. She throws a punch
which connects with the side of his head and knocks him down.
She hurries off.

CADEN
What'd you do to my family? What'd
you do to my daughter?

MARIA (IN GERMAN)
Screw you, Caden. Faggot! FAGGOT!

She turns down an alley. Caden, a half-block behind, hurries
to the alley. She's gone. He walks through, looking for
her. It's dark. Trash cans and garbage. He spots an
unopened box next to the trash. It's pink with a picture of
a nose on it. Caden drops to his knees and weeps. No tears
come out. His eyes are dry and red. He pulls a vial of
artificial tears from his pockets and moistens his eyes.
Suddenly his breathing becomes wildly erratic.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 64.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Caden, on a plane, encounters the flirtatious Madeline, who comments on his transformation. Struggling with a blank book, he later searches for his wife Adele in Berlin but is denied by a German woman claiming he is not part of Adele's life. The scene escalates at an outdoor cafe in 2015, where Caden confronts Maria, who lives with Adele and their daughter Olive. A violent altercation ensues, leaving Caden distraught as he searches for Maria in an alley, ultimately breaking down and using artificial tears, overwhelmed by his emotional turmoil.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Tension and conflict building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic or confusing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Caden's emotional state and sets up intriguing conflicts and mysteries. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, and the overall tone creates a sense of unease and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Caden's emotional journey and introducing new conflicts and characters is compelling and adds depth to the overall narrative. The scene effectively sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on character development and emotional exploration, moving the story forward by introducing new conflicts and mysteries. It sets up important dynamics and relationships that will impact future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations and fresh approaches to familiar themes, such as the unconventional relationships and emotional conflicts depicted.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, especially Caden and Maria, are well-developed and intriguing. Their interactions and emotional depth add layers to the narrative and create compelling dynamics that drive the story forward.

Character Changes: 8

Caden undergoes emotional turmoil and faces new challenges, setting up potential character growth and development. The introduction of Maria adds complexity to the narrative and creates opportunities for character evolution.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to understand his own emotions and relationships, as he grapples with feelings of confusion, betrayal, and loss.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to find Adele and connect with his daughter, Olive.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces conflicts between characters, especially Caden and Maria, adding tension and intrigue to the narrative. It sets up important dynamics that will drive future events and character arcs.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, relationships, and motivations driving the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Caden facing emotional turmoil, conflicts with new characters, and the search for connection and understanding. The introduction of Maria adds a sense of danger and unpredictability to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, mysteries, and character dynamics. It sets up important developments that will impact future events and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the sudden shifts in emotional tone.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of identity, family, and betrayal. Caden's beliefs and values are challenged by the actions of Maria and the revelation of Olive's tattoo.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, delving deep into Caden's inner struggles and vulnerabilities. The interactions between characters evoke strong emotions and create a sense of unease and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and relationships. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, dramatic conflicts, and mysterious plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and desperation as he navigates his fractured relationships, particularly with his daughter Olive. The juxtaposition of his interactions with Madeline and Maria highlights his internal conflict and sense of loss. However, the transition from the plane to the Berlin street feels abrupt, and the emotional weight could be enhanced by providing more context or reflection from Caden about his feelings towards Madeline and his current situation.
  • Caden's encounter with the German woman at the gallery is a poignant moment that underscores his alienation and the disconnection from his family. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the tension and urgency of Caden's search for Adele. The German woman's responses could be more impactful if they included a hint of recognition or disdain, emphasizing Caden's outsider status.
  • The physical altercation with Maria is a powerful moment that conveys Caden's pent-up frustration and helplessness. However, the dialogue during the fight could be more visceral, reflecting Caden's emotional state more vividly. Additionally, the use of the term 'faggot' feels jarring and could be reconsidered to avoid detracting from the emotional gravity of the scene.
  • The imagery of Caden weeping without tears and using artificial tears is a strong visual metaphor for his emotional state. However, the pacing leading up to this moment could be improved by building more tension in the lead-up to his breakdown. The scene could benefit from a more gradual escalation of Caden's emotional distress, allowing the audience to feel the weight of his despair more acutely.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Caden as he interacts with Madeline, reflecting on his feelings about her transformation and his own sense of inadequacy. This could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue with the German woman to include more emotional stakes, perhaps by having her express disdain or disbelief at Caden's claim, which would heighten his sense of alienation.
  • Enhance the fight scene with Maria by incorporating more visceral language that reflects Caden's emotional turmoil, making the physical confrontation feel more raw and impactful.
  • Slow down the pacing before Caden's breakdown to allow for a more gradual build-up of tension, perhaps by including more sensory details or physical cues that indicate his escalating distress.



Scene 30 -  Reflections of Mortality and Ambition
A84 EXT. GERMAN HOSPITAL - 2015 - DAY A84

Caden limps up to the hospital.

84 INT. GERMAN HOSPITAL ROOM - 2015 - DAY 84

German words painted on the walls. Caden, in his underwear,
lies on a metal table in a cold room, while an old man in
white military jacket examines him, pressing on his body in
various places. The man is silent except for slow, long
inhalations and exhalations through his nose. When he is
through he leaves the room without saying a word. Caden lies
there, not sure what he’s supposed to do. After a while, he
gets up and opens the door, looks both ways down the empty
hall. He closes the door, sits in a plastic chair and waits.

85 INT. PLANE - 2015 - NIGHT 85

Caden sits. A tube runs from his nostril to a small whirring
machine on his lap. A frail old man sits next to him.

OLD MAN
Death comes faster than you think.

86 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - 2015 - DAY 86

Caden, walking with a realtor, approaches a warehouse in a
very old, decrepit, and abandoned-looking part of town.

CADEN
Yeah, I want to bring my production
to New York. To get it seen. By
people, you know, who matter. The
sooner the better.

REALTOR
Well, this theater is centrally
located. Heart of the theater
district. So... great for plays.

CADEN REALTOR
Yeah? Yeah. Very much so.

87 INT. WAREHOUSE - 2015 - DAY 87

It's massive, empty, old, and dirty. Caden inspects it while
the agent watches from a distance.

REALTOR
(echoey and far away)
Lots of room for seats over here.

88 OMITTED 88
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 65.


89 INT. WAREHOUSE - 2016 - DAY 89 *

It's been scrubbed. There are small squared-off "apartment" *
areas, with actors in each, going about their days. A couple *
sleeps in a bed in one, in another there is a conversation *
between people over dinner, a man watches television alone in *
one, etc. There are at least fifteen configurations of *
people with a reel-to-reel tape recorders in each set-up. *
Caden walks from one to the other, eavesdropping, followed by *
an assistant, Michael. *

PATIENT (IN ONE "APARTMENT") *
(to doctor) *
And then he said he couldn't see me *
anymore. Just like that. I don't *
understand. I... I mean, he just *
told me two days before how much he *
loves me. Everything's spinning out *
of control. *

He stops at Claire's "apartment." She is ironing and *
watching a daytime soap, which is a closed-circuit TV. The *
actors in the soap are across the warehouse in another *
apartment. *

JENNIFER (SOAP OPERA ACTRESS) *
Dr. Williams, that was your last *
patient for the day. *

DR. WILLIAMS (SOAP OPERA ACTRESS) *
Jennifer, let's stop this charade. *

JENNIFER *
I don't know what you're talking *
about, Doctor. *

DR. WILLIAMS *
The chemistry between us is *
palpable. You and I both know that. *

JENNIFER *
Dennis... I can't. *

DR. WILLIAMS *
Why not? It's the way God made us. *

JENNIFER *
I can't because Jerry came back *
last night. *

DR. WILLIAMS *
Jerry, but he's dead. I'm certain *
of that because... *


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 65A.
89 CONTINUED: 89

JENNIFER *
Because what? Because what, Dennis? *

DR. WILLIAMS *
Because I'm certain, that's all. *

Ariel sits in a highchair and plays with a bowl of Cheerios. *
She is about two and a half. *

ARIEL CADEN
Daddy! Daddy is mine! Daddy can't play now, honey.

CLAIRE *
Daddy doesn't live with us anymore, *
baby. He had to find himself. *

Claire shoots daggers at Caden and goes back to ironing. *
Nearby, Tom and Davis rehearse their scene in another *
"apartment." *

DAVIS (AS CUSTOMER) *
I like it but it's a little tight *
in the toe. Don't you think? *

TOM (AS CLERK) *
No. It's right. This is how they're *
supposed to fit. They're French. *

DAVIS *
Oh. French, huh? Okay. *
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological"]

Summary Caden undergoes a cold examination in a German hospital, feeling isolated and uncertain. He then transitions to a plane where an old man reflects on death, prompting Caden to contemplate his own life. In New York City, he meets with a realtor to explore a warehouse for his theater production, expressing his ambition despite personal struggles. A year later, the warehouse is transformed into a vibrant space for actors, showcasing the contrast between Caden's past challenges and the lively interactions of his family and performers.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Innovative use of setting
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external plot progression
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a complex web of relationships and conflicts. The unique setting of the warehouse adds a layer of intrigue and symbolism to the interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a warehouse as a metaphorical space for emotional exploration is innovative and engaging. The scene delves deep into the characters' inner lives and relationships, creating a rich tapestry of human experiences.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses more on character development and emotional revelations rather than traditional plot points. It sets up conflicts and relationships that will likely unfold in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique settings and situations, such as the 'apartments' in the warehouse and the interactions between characters in the hospital room.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are multi-dimensional and nuanced, each grappling with their own inner demons and desires. The interactions between the characters reveal layers of complexity and emotional depth.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional transformations in the scene, revealing new layers of their personalities and desires. These changes set up future character arcs and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to navigate unfamiliar and potentially threatening environments, as seen in his interactions in the hospital room and the warehouse.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to find a suitable location for his production in New York City.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, as characters grapple with their own demons and desires. The tension arises from the characters' interactions and revelations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from both internal and external goals.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high in the scene, as characters confront their innermost fears and desires. The relationships and conflicts established have the potential to have a significant impact on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional exploration, it sets up important relationships and conflicts that will drive the story forward in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and developments between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The scene presents a conflict between personal relationships and professional aspirations, as seen in Caden's interactions with Claire and the realtor.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and vulnerabilities. The raw and intimate moments create a powerful connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and revealing, capturing the characters' innermost thoughts and emotions. It drives the emotional impact of the scene and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its unique settings, character interactions, and underlying tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, contributing to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's vulnerability and confusion as he navigates the cold, sterile environment of the hospital. The juxtaposition of the old man in a military jacket examining him adds a layer of discomfort and surrealism, which aligns with Caden's emotional state. However, the lack of dialogue from the examining doctor may leave the audience feeling detached from Caden's experience. A few lines of dialogue or internal monologue could enhance the emotional connection.
  • The transition from the hospital to the plane is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother segue. The shift in setting feels disjointed, and the audience may struggle to follow Caden's journey. Consider adding a brief moment that links the two locations, perhaps through a visual motif or a line of dialogue that reflects on his current state of mind.
  • The introduction of the old man on the plane serves as a poignant reminder of mortality, but the dialogue is minimal and could be expanded to deepen the thematic resonance. The old man's comment about death could be a springboard for Caden to reflect on his own fears and regrets, creating a more profound moment of introspection.
  • The dialogue with the realtor is functional but lacks emotional weight. Caden's desire to bring his production to New York is a significant plot point, yet it feels somewhat flat. Infusing this exchange with more of Caden's emotional stakes—his desperation, hope, or fear—would elevate the scene and make it more compelling.
  • The warehouse setting is visually interesting, but the description could be more evocative. Instead of simply stating that it is 'massive, empty, old, and dirty,' consider using sensory details to paint a vivid picture of the space. What sounds does Caden hear? What smells linger in the air? This would help immerse the audience in the environment and reflect Caden's mental state.
Suggestions
  • Add a few lines of dialogue or internal thoughts from Caden during the examination to enhance emotional engagement and provide insight into his feelings of vulnerability.
  • Create a smoother transition between the hospital and the plane scenes, possibly by incorporating a visual or thematic link that reflects Caden's emotional journey.
  • Expand the old man's dialogue on the plane to allow Caden to engage in a deeper reflection on mortality, which could enhance the thematic depth of the scene.
  • Infuse the dialogue with the realtor with more emotional stakes, allowing Caden to express his desperation or hope regarding his production, making the conversation more impactful.
  • Use more sensory details to describe the warehouse setting, helping to create a vivid atmosphere that reflects Caden's mental state and enhances the audience's immersion in the scene.



Scene 31 -  Moments of Reflection
90 EXT. BUS SHELTER (NEAR WAREHOUSE) - 2016 - NIGHT 90

Caden sits in the fluorescent shelter. He looks at a poster
for a movie called Little Winky and Caden, which features
Caden in an embrace with a muscular skinhead. The movie is
"Posthumously Written" by The Late Horace Azpiazu.

Caden's leg starts to twitch, and he goes into convulsions.

91 OMITTED 91

92 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - 2017 - NIGHT 92

An old doctor examines Caden's shaking leg.

DOCTOR
I can't argue with further testing.

CADEN
Ok, you're a doctor, right? Am I
dying? Can you tell me that?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 65B.
92 CONTINUED: 92

DOCTOR
No.

CADEN
No, you can't tell me?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 66.
92 CONTINUED: (2) 92

DOCTOR
I can't tell you.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)
You can't tell me if you can't tell
me?

DOCTOR (CONT’D)
No.

93 EXT. NYC STREET - 2017 - DAY 93

Caden walks along, his leg shaking. He spots Hazel looking
in a store window. He just watches her for a while. She
sees him in the store window reflection. She turns.

HAZEL
Caden! I was wondering if I was
going to bump into you!

She gives him a hug, notices his shaking leg.

CADEN
What are you doing here? You look
great.

HAZEL CADEN
Oh, thanks. You... I -- New haircut?

HAZEL
Um, yeah. For a while now.

CADEN
What are you doing in New York?

HAZEL
Oh. I’m here with Derek and the
boys. Mini-vacation! You know.

CADEN
The boys?

HAZEL
Yeah. I thought you knew.

CADEN HAZEL
Ah. Congratulations. Yeah. Thanks.

CADEN
How old?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 67.
93 CONTINUED: 93

HAZEL
Five. Twins. Robert and Daniel
and Allan.

CADEN
Ah. Yes.
(pause)
Nice names. Where are they?

HAZEL
Oh. Derek took them to Natural
History. So I could shop.

CADEN
Ah.

HAZEL
Nice to see you, Caden. How are
things?

CADEN
Y’know. I was with Claire. We
have a daughter, but we're
separated now. How about with
you?

HAZEL
Good. The kids are wonderful. I
have a great job at Lens Shapers.

CADEN
Great. You wear a lab coat?

HAZEL
It’s so good to see you. I should
run. I want to get some shopping
in. We’re meeting back at the
hotel at three. Then sushi!

CADEN
Okay. Good seeing you, Hazel.

Hazel smiles and waves and turns to head into the store.
Caden watches after her.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 68.


94 OMITTED 94 *
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Caden experiences a leg twitch that escalates into convulsions while at a bus shelter, prompting a visit to an examination room where a doctor discusses his health concerns. Later, he encounters Hazel, a former acquaintance, and they share brief updates about their lives, revealing Caden's feelings of loss and nostalgia. The scene captures Caden's struggles with his health and emotional isolation as he watches Hazel depart, leaving him in a contemplative state.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Subtle conflict
  • Moderate stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the complex emotions and dynamics between Caden and Hazel, providing depth to their characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of their personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the unexpected reunion between Caden and Hazel adds depth to their characters and sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions. It explores themes of missed opportunities, personal growth, and the impact of past relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the chance encounter between Caden and Hazel, highlighting their past connection and current circumstances. It sets up potential conflicts and developments in their relationship, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of mortality and relationships through subtle interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed in the scene, with their emotions, motivations, and histories coming to the forefront. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity, setting the stage for further exploration of their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Both Caden and Hazel experience subtle shifts in their emotions and perspectives during the scene, hinting at potential growth and development in their characters. Their reunion sparks introspection and reevaluation.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to understand his own health condition and mortality, as reflected in his conversation with the doctor about whether he is dying.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal in this scene is to reconnect with Hazel and catch up on each other's lives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is subtle, primarily revolving around the unresolved feelings and past history between Caden and Hazel. There is tension in their interaction, hinting at potential conflicts and resolutions in the future.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with internal conflicts driving the character dynamics rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are moderate, primarily focusing on the emotional and relational aspects of Caden and Hazel's reunion. While there is tension and potential for conflict, the immediate consequences are more personal than high-stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by reestablishing the connection between Caden and Hazel, hinting at potential conflicts and resolutions in their relationship. It sets the stage for further developments and reveals new layers of their characters.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and outcomes, but the emotional depth adds layers of complexity.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Caden's fear of mortality and Hazel's focus on her children and job, highlighting different priorities and perspectives on life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of nostalgia, hope, and conflict. The reunion between Caden and Hazel stirs up complex emotions and sets the stage for further exploration of their relationship.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and revealing, providing insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings. It captures the tension and nostalgia between Caden and Hazel, adding depth to their interaction.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable characters, naturalistic dialogue, and underlying tension between the protagonist's internal and external goals.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and tension to build effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and transitions between locations, enhancing the flow of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and physical distress, particularly through the juxtaposition of his convulsions and the mundane setting of a bus shelter. This contrast highlights his internal struggles, making the audience empathize with his character.
  • The dialogue between Caden and the doctor is both humorous and poignant, showcasing Caden's desperation for clarity about his health. However, the repetition in the doctor's responses could be streamlined to enhance the pacing and maintain engagement. The back-and-forth feels slightly drawn out and could benefit from a more dynamic exchange.
  • The encounter with Hazel serves as a significant moment of connection and disconnection for Caden. While it effectively illustrates the passage of time and changes in their lives, the dialogue could delve deeper into their emotional history. This would enrich the scene by adding layers to their relationship and heightening the stakes of their reunion.
  • Hazel's introduction of her children and her new life feels somewhat abrupt. While it serves to show Caden's sense of loss, it could be more impactful if it included a brief moment of reflection from Caden, allowing the audience to feel his emotional weight more profoundly.
  • The scene transitions between locations effectively, but the shift from the examination room to the street could be more fluid. A stronger visual or thematic link between these settings would enhance the narrative flow and maintain the audience's emotional investment.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue between Caden and the doctor to maintain a brisker pace. Focus on the most impactful lines that convey Caden's anxiety and the doctor's ambiguous responses without excessive repetition.
  • Add a moment of introspection for Caden after his encounter with Hazel. This could be a brief internal monologue or a visual cue that reflects his feelings of loss and longing, deepening the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Explore Hazel's character further in her dialogue. Perhaps she could share a brief anecdote about her children or her job that reveals her growth and contrasts with Caden's struggles, enriching their interaction.
  • Enhance the transition between the examination room and the street by incorporating a visual motif or thematic element that connects Caden's physical state with his emotional journey, such as a lingering shot of his shaking leg as he steps into the bustling street.
  • Consider using subtext in the dialogue to convey unspoken feelings between Caden and Hazel. This could involve them referencing shared memories or past experiences that hint at their unresolved feelings, adding depth to their interaction.



Scene 32 -  Confronting Loss and Regret
A95 EXT. HOTEL TERRACE - 2017 - DAY A95 *

Caden watches Hazel and her family, laughing and enjoying *
each other on the terrace. The gaunt man sits with them. *
When they head to the pool, Caden just continues, without *
hesitation, to the edge of the roof, and begins to climb *
over. A passing lifeguard sees Caden, grabs him and wrestles *
him to the ground. *

95 INT. CADEN AND ADELE'S HOUSE - 2017 - NIGHT 95

Caden pulls Olive's journal from under his pillow and reads
from somewhere in the middle.

OLIVE'S VOICE
(with German accent)
How I love Maria! She is so much
more of a father than Caden ever
was, with his drinking and
unfortunate body odor and rotting
teeth. I could only loathe him and
perhaps pity him. But Maria!

Caden blots his sopping brow and gums, sniffs under his arms.

96 INT. HALLWAY (CLAIRE'S NYC APT.) - FALL 2018 - NIGHT 96

Caden, now walking with a cane, approaches an apartment door.
There's a sad pilgrim cut-out taped to it. He knocks.

CLAIRE (O.S.)
Yes?

CADEN
It's me.

ARIEL (O.S.) CLAIRE (O.S.)
Daddy, Daddy! What, Caden?

CADEN (CONT'D)
I want to come back. I want to
take care of you and Olive. Ariel.

There's silence then the door opens. Claire is crying.

CLAIRE
I just want you to love us.

Caden hugs her. Ariel hugs Caden's good leg.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 68A.
96 CONTINUED: 96

ARIEL
Why does you have a canes, Daddy?

97 INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM (NYC APARTMENT) - 2018 - NIGHT 97

Caden and Claire in bed having sex. The gaunt man stands on
the fire escape peering in. Ariel watches from the doorway.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 69.
97 CONTINUED: 97

The phone rings. Claire cranes her neck and looks at the
clock. The gaunt man and Ariel both step out of view.

CLAIRE
It's 3:30. For crying out fuck.

Caden answers the phone.

CADEN
Hello? What's wrong? Okay. Okay.

Caden hangs up. Claire kisses Caden's neck.

CADEN (CONT'D)
My father died.

CLAIRE
Oh, baby.

CADEN
His body was riddled with cancer.
He didn't even know. He went in
because his finger hurt.

CLAIRE
It's okay, baby. It's going to be
okay. Let me make you feel better.

Claire begins kissing her way down Caden's chest.

CADEN
They said he suffered horribly.
That he called out for me right
before he died. They said he said
he regretted his life. They said
he said a lot of things. Too many
to recount. They said it was the
longest and saddest deathbed speech
any of them had ever heard.

98 EXT. CEMETERY - 2018 - DAY 98

Caden, Claire, and Ariel stand with Caden's mother as a child-
sized coffin is lowered into the ground.

MOTHER
There was so little left of him.
They had to fill the coffin with
cotton balls to keep him from
rattling around.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 70.


99 INT. CADEN'S MOTHER'S HOUSE - 2018 - DAY 99

Crowded with mourners. People chat and eat. Claire and
Caden, on the couch holding hands, chat with a fat lady.

CADEN
Excuse me, I have to use the
bathroom.

100 EXT. CADEN'S MOTHER'S BACK DECK - 2018 - A FEW MOMENTS 100
LATER

Caden dials his cell phone.

CADEN
Hey.

INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden, feeling isolated, observes Hazel's family joyfully on a hotel terrace before attempting to jump off the roof, only to be stopped by a lifeguard. Later, he reads his daughter Olive's journal, revealing her negative feelings towards him. Caden visits Claire, expressing his desire to reconnect with her and their daughter, Ariel. After an emotional reunion, they are interrupted by news of Caden's father's death, which deeply affects him. The scene concludes with Caden, Claire, and Ariel mourning at the cemetery, highlighting themes of loss, regret, and the longing for family connection.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and explores complex themes of loss and regret through intimate interactions between characters. The dialogue and character dynamics are compelling, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief and regret in the aftermath of a death is effectively portrayed through the interactions and dialogue between the characters. The scene delves into the complexities of human emotions and relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the characters' emotional responses to the death of Caden's father, deepening the relationships and revealing inner turmoil. The plot serves to explore themes of loss and regret.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of family, loss, and redemption in a unique and emotionally resonant way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional depth is effectively portrayed in the scene. Caden, Claire, and Ariel show vulnerability, grief, and longing, creating a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes as they confront the reality of loss and grapple with their feelings of grief and regret. These experiences shape their relationships and personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness, love, and reconciliation with his family members. This reflects his deeper need for connection, acceptance, and redemption.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the death of his father and navigate the emotions and responsibilities that come with it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and inner turmoil in the face of loss. The tension arises from their personal grief and regrets.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with emotional conflicts and challenges that the protagonist must navigate, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of emotional impact, as the characters confront the weight of loss and navigate their relationships in the aftermath of death. The personal stakes for the characters are significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional arcs of the characters and setting the stage for further exploration of grief and relationships. It adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the emotional twists and revelations that occur, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between regret, redemption, and acceptance of past mistakes. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about himself and his relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and reflection in the audience. The deep emotional resonance of the characters' experiences lingers after the scene.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and realistic, capturing the raw emotions of the characters as they navigate the complexities of grief and regret. The conversations feel authentic and contribute to the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intimate character moments, and the tension between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and intimacy.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a coherent narrative flow, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and the weight of his father's death, but it could benefit from deeper exploration of Caden's internal conflict. The juxtaposition of Caden's past actions and his current state of vulnerability is compelling, yet the emotional stakes could be heightened by showing more of Caden's memories or regrets about his father, rather than just recounting them through dialogue.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Claire is poignant, but it feels somewhat expository. While it's important for Caden to express his feelings about his father's death, the way he recounts the details could be more organic. Instead of listing what others said about his father's death, consider incorporating flashbacks or visual cues that illustrate these moments, allowing the audience to experience Caden's grief more viscerally.
  • The introduction of Ariel in the scene adds a layer of complexity, but her presence could be utilized more effectively. Instead of just asking about the cane, she could reflect Caden's emotional state or innocence, perhaps by expressing confusion about death or loss, which would deepen the impact of the scene.
  • The transition from the hotel terrace to Caden's home feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative. Consider using a visual motif or a line of dialogue that connects the two locations thematically, such as Caden's longing for connection juxtaposed with the laughter he observes from Hazel's family.
  • The gaunt man observing Caden and Claire in bed introduces an intriguing element of voyeurism, but it lacks context. Providing a brief insight into who this character is and why he is watching could add tension and intrigue to the scene, making the audience question his intentions.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate flashbacks or visual memories of Caden's father to show their relationship and Caden's regrets, rather than relying solely on dialogue to convey his feelings.
  • Revise Caden's dialogue to make it feel more natural and less expository. Allow his emotions to unfold through interactions with Claire and Ariel, rather than listing details about his father's death.
  • Utilize Ariel's character to reflect Caden's emotional state, perhaps by having her express confusion or curiosity about death, which would enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Create a smoother transition between the hotel terrace and Caden's home by using thematic connections or visual motifs that highlight Caden's emotional journey.
  • Provide more context for the gaunt man observing Caden and Claire, potentially hinting at his significance to the story or Caden's psyche, to add depth and intrigue to the scene.



Scene 33 -  Burning Bridges
A101 INT. BURNING HOUSE - 2018 - SAME A101

Hazel is on her phone.

HAZEL (PHONE VOICE)
Caden?

CADEN
I had to talk to you. My father
died.

HAZEL
Oh no. Oh, Caden. I'm so sorry.

CADEN HAZEL
Thanks. I know. Are you at your mom's?

CADEN
Yeah. With Claire and Ariel.

HAZEL CADEN
Oh. I see. I'm back with Claire.

Pause.

HAZEL
Yes, I got that.

CADEN HAZEL
I'm sorry. What are you sorry about?

CADEN
I don't know. You got quiet. I
thought I should say something.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 71.
A101 CONTINUED: A101

HAZEL
You thought you should say
something. That's lovely. That's
what makes our relationship so
special. The obligation.

CADEN
What am I supposed to do, Hazel? I
have a kid with her. You have
twins with Derek. Three twins.
It's confusing!

HAZEL CADEN
You're not supposed to do I really miss you.
anything.

HAZEL
Yeah, I guess that's what happens
when you have a kid with somebody
else. You having sex with her?

CADEN HAZEL
Hazel... I'm asking you a question.
Did you have sex with her now
that you're back together?

CADEN
Yes. Of course. I mean, what --

HAZEL
I have to go. I'm sorry about your
dad. That's awful news.

CADEN
Hazel, please, I can't bear it if
you go.

HAZEL
I have to. I'm going out. I have
to get ready. Everything's fine.

CADEN
I need to use a cane now.
(pause)
Okay. Take care.

Hazel hangs up. Caden sits there.

101 OMITTED 101

102 OMITTED 102
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 72.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense phone call, Hazel learns from Caden that his father has died. As they discuss their lives, Caden reveals he is back with Claire and has a child with her, while Hazel has twins with Derek. The conversation grows heated when Hazel questions Caden about his intimacy with Claire, leading to an emotional confrontation. Ultimately, Hazel hangs up, leaving Caden to grapple with his grief and unresolved feelings amidst the chaos of a burning house.
Strengths
  • Intense and emotional dialogue
  • Authentic portrayal of complex emotions
  • Character depth and development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of physical action or visual variety

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict within the characters, providing depth and insight into their struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complexities of relationships, loss, and responsibility is well-developed and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character dynamics and emotional revelations, moving the story forward through intense interactions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the complexities of relationships and emotional entanglements, with characters grappling with conflicting desires and obligations. The dialogue feels authentic and raw, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed, with their conflicting emotions and struggles portrayed authentically, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Hazel experience emotional shifts and revelations in the scene, leading to character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Hazel's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and distance herself emotionally from Caden, despite the news of his father's death. This reflects her need to protect herself from getting hurt.

External Goal: 7

Hazel's external goal is to end the conversation with Caden and get ready to go out. This reflects her immediate circumstances and desire to avoid further emotional entanglement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Caden and Hazel, as well as their internal conflicts, adds tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' conflicting desires and emotional vulnerabilities, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension about the outcome of their conversation.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high for the characters, as they grapple with loss, regret, and the weight of their obligations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' emotional complexities and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting emotions and conflicting desires, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of their conversation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the complexities of relationships, obligations, and emotional entanglements. It challenges the characters' beliefs about love, commitment, and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, regret, and empathy, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and revealing, effectively conveying the inner turmoil and conflict of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and raw honesty of the characters' interactions. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with dialogue and action lines effectively conveying the characters' emotions and intentions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and emotional escalation, capturing the characters' inner conflicts and external circumstances effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of Caden's father's death and the complexities of his relationship with Hazel. The dialogue feels authentic, reflecting the awkwardness and tension that often accompanies conversations about loss and past relationships.
  • However, the pacing of the scene could be improved. The pauses and interruptions in dialogue create a sense of tension, but they also risk losing the audience's engagement. Consider tightening the exchanges to maintain momentum while still conveying the emotional stakes.
  • Caden's emotional state is somewhat ambiguous. While he expresses a need for connection, his responses can come off as passive or resigned. This could be an opportunity to deepen his character by showing more vulnerability or anger regarding his father's death and his relationship with Hazel.
  • Hazel's character feels somewhat distant in this scene. While her responses are appropriate, they lack depth. Adding more emotional nuance to her reactions could enhance the complexity of their relationship and provide insight into her feelings about Caden's situation.
  • The setting of a burning house is intriguing but underutilized in this scene. The physical environment could be more vividly described or referenced in the dialogue to create a stronger sense of urgency or chaos that mirrors Caden's emotional turmoil.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive elements about the burning house to enhance the atmosphere and reflect Caden's emotional state. For example, mention the sounds of crackling flames or the heat radiating around him.
  • Revise the dialogue to create a more dynamic exchange between Caden and Hazel. For instance, instead of Caden simply stating he has a kid with Claire, he could express his conflicting feelings about being back with her, which would add depth to his character.
  • Explore Hazel's emotional response further. Perhaps she could share a memory of Caden's father or express her own feelings of loss, which would create a more profound connection between them.
  • Consider incorporating more physical actions or reactions from Caden during the call. For example, he could fidget with something in the burning house, which would visually represent his anxiety and emotional state.
  • To enhance the tension, you might include a moment where Caden's emotions boil over, leading to a more intense confrontation with Hazel before she abruptly ends the call. This could heighten the stakes and leave the audience wanting to know more about their unresolved feelings.



Scene 34 -  Echoes of Longing
103 INT. WAREHOUSE - CITY SET - 2020 - DAY 103

A rehearsal in progress. The shells of apartment buildings
have been built. The actors, who previously had been spread
out on the floor of the warehouse, are now perched on
scaffolding in various apartment spaces. Caden, followed by
Michael, surveys the scene by climbing up and down ladders.
It's difficult to manage with his cane.

104 INT. CLAIRE KITCHEN (NYC APARTMENT) - 2021 - LATE NIGHT 104

Caden reads Olive's diary.

OLIVE'S GERMAN VOICE
Today I felt a wetness between my
legs. Maria explained to me now I
am a woman. And being a woman is
wonderful with Maria to guide me.

105 EXT. BERLIN STREET - 2022 - DAY 105

Overcast. Caden wanders. Walls are plastered with posters
of "Flower Girl." It's Olive, early 20's, very sexy and
naked. There is an address and a date. Seems to be some
sort of concert.

106 INT. LOBBY - 2022 - NIGHT 106

Caden waits on a long line behind a bunch of men.

107 INT DARK SMALL ROOM - NIGHT 107

Caden sits by himself in a cramped space. A light switches
on behind scarred Plexiglas. Olive dances naked. Caden
tries to get her attention by banging on the glass but she
can't see him. A bouncer enters and beats Caden up.

108 INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM (NYC APARTMENT) - 2022 - MORNING 108

Caden, bruised, lies in bed while Claire hurries past,
getting dressed.

CLAIRE CADEN
Get out of bed. I'm depressed.

CLAIRE
The cry of the North American
Caden.

CADEN
I'd just like a little sympathy.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 73.
108 CONTINUED: 108

CLAIRE
I'll save my sympathy for the
eighty million people with avian
flu, the Tsunami victims in Puerto
Rico, the countless millennia dead
from... how fucked it all is.

CADEN
Millennia dead? What? And since
when do you care about anything?

CLAIRE
I care every day about things! I
care about us! ... Y'know?!

ARIEL
Why do Daddy be sad now?

109 EXT. BURNING HOUSE - 2023 - DAY 109

The neighborhood seems abandoned and overgrown. Caden is
parked down the block and watches Hazel's house. Soon Hazel
and Derek walk by. Derek says something and Hazel laughs
delightedly. Caden is in agony. He rolls down his window.

CADEN
Hazel!

Hazel and Derek turn.

HAZEL CADEN
Caden, what are you doing Sorry. Can I talk to you?
here? Please?

Hazel kisses Derek, whispers something in his ear. They
share a giggle. Derek waves at Caden and heads into the
burning house. Hazel approaches Caden's car.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Tell me what to do.

HAZEL CADEN
Caden, everyone has to figure I want you to look at me like
out their own life. Y'know? you used to.

HAZEL
Oh, honey, I can't anymore.

CADEN
(crying)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I screwed
everything up. I don't have any
courage. I'm sorry.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 74.
109 CONTINUED: 109

HAZEL
It's okay. I'm okay.

CADEN
I don't want you to be okay. I
mean, I do but it rips my guts out.

HAZEL
I'll always be your friend. I'll
help you through any way I can.

CADEN
I'll help you through, too.

HAZEL
Caden, I'm fine. I have Derek.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a poignant scene, Caden navigates his emotional struggles as he rehearses in a warehouse, reflecting on his daughter Olive's past through her diary. Wandering the streets of Berlin, he confronts his feelings of inadequacy when he attempts to connect with Olive, now an adult, but is thwarted by a bouncer. Back in bed, he has a tense conversation with Claire about his depression, which leads to a moment of vulnerability as he watches Hazel and Derek from his car. Despite Hazel's reassurances of her well-being, Caden is left grappling with his emotional turmoil and feelings of loss.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Reflective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters, especially Caden, through poignant dialogue and reflective moments. The tension between Hazel and Caden adds depth to the narrative, while the exploration of regret and hopefulness enhances the scene's impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of Caden's choices and the complexities of his relationships with Hazel and Claire is well-developed. The scene effectively delves into themes of regret, friendship, and the struggle for courage.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is significant as it delves into the emotional consequences of Caden's actions and the impact on his relationships. The tension between characters and the exploration of regret drive the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of emotional vulnerability, self-worth, and human connection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Caden, Hazel, and Claire, are well-developed and their emotional depth is effectively portrayed. Caden's vulnerability and regret, Hazel's resilience, and Claire's emotional complexity add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Caden experiences a significant emotional change in the scene, grappling with regret, vulnerability, and the impact of his choices on his relationships. His interactions with Hazel and Claire reveal layers of his character and emotional growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to seek sympathy and understanding from Claire and Hazel, reflecting his deeper need for emotional connection and validation.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal in this scene is to reconcile with Hazel and seek guidance on how to move forward in his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Caden's emotional turmoil and the tension in his relationships with Hazel and Claire. The emotional conflict drives the character dynamics and adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Hazel's rejection of Caden's emotional plea creating tension and conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on the impact of Caden's choices on his relationships with Hazel and Claire. The emotional weight of regret and vulnerability heightens the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the aftermath of Caden's choices and the complexities of his relationships with Hazel and Claire. The emotional depth and character dynamics contribute to the progression of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional twists and turns in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of self-worth, courage, and emotional vulnerability. Claire challenges Caden's perception of his own struggles and the importance of his emotions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, particularly in conveying Caden's vulnerability, regret, and the complexities of his relationships. The poignant moments and reflective dialogue evoke a strong emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional turmoil of the characters. The conversations between Caden, Hazel, and Claire reveal their inner struggles and the complexities of their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intimate character interactions, and relatable themes of human connection and vulnerability.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with dialogue exchanges, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of Caden as he navigates his complex relationships, particularly with Hazel and Claire. The dialogue is raw and reflects the characters' struggles, but it sometimes feels disjointed, making it hard for the audience to follow the emotional arc. For instance, the transition from Caden's depression to the confrontation with Hazel could be smoother to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Caden's dialogue about wanting sympathy contrasts sharply with Claire's dismissive attitude, which is a strong dynamic. However, Claire's response could benefit from more specificity regarding her feelings. Instead of generalizing about global tragedies, she could reference personal experiences that have shaped her perspective, making her character more relatable and grounded.
  • The introduction of Ariel's innocent question about Caden's sadness adds a poignant layer to the scene, but it could be expanded. Ariel's presence serves as a reminder of the family dynamics at play, and her perspective could be used to highlight the impact of Caden's emotional state on his daughter. This could deepen the audience's understanding of the stakes involved.
  • The visual elements, such as Caden's bruises and the burning house, are powerful metaphors for his internal struggles. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sounds, smells, and atmosphere of the burning house could enhance the tension and urgency of Caden's emotional state.
  • The ending of the scene, where Hazel reassures Caden that she is okay, feels somewhat abrupt. While it reflects Hazel's desire to move on, it could be more impactful if it included a moment of vulnerability from her, revealing her own struggles. This would create a more balanced emotional exchange and leave the audience with a stronger sense of unresolved tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create smoother transitions between emotional beats, ensuring that the audience can follow Caden's journey more clearly.
  • Enhance Claire's dialogue by incorporating specific personal experiences that inform her perspective, making her character more relatable and grounded.
  • Expand Ariel's role in the scene by giving her more lines or actions that reflect her understanding of the family dynamics, which could deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Add sensory details to the setting, particularly in the burning house, to create a more immersive experience for the audience and heighten the emotional tension.
  • Allow Hazel a moment of vulnerability at the end of the scene to create a more balanced emotional exchange, emphasizing the complexity of their relationship and leaving the audience with a stronger sense of unresolved tension.



Scene 35 -  Brutal Truths and Personal Struggles
110 INT. WAREHOUSE - 2023 - DAY 110

Caden stands with his cane before the group of seated actors.
The actors wait patiently as Caden finishes a coughing fit.

CADEN
I won't settle for anything less
than the brutal truth. Brutal!
Each day I'll hand you a scrap of
paper. It'll tell you what
happened to you that day. "You
felt a lump in your breast. You
looked at your wife and saw a
stranger." Etcetera.

TOM CADEN
Caden, when are we going to And I'm not excusing myself
get an audience in here? from this either. I will
It's been seventeen years. have someone play me, to
delve into the murky,
cowardly depths of my lonely,
fucked-up being. He'll get
notes, too. And they will
correspond to the "notes" I
truly get each day from my
God.

The actors glance uncomfortably at Claire. She smiles
apologetically.

111 OMITTED 111
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 75.


112 OMITTED 112

113 INT. HAZEL'S CAR - 2024 - DAY 113

Hazel sits in her parked car and talks on her cellphone.
Little kids in costumes walk by. A little girl walks by in a
"nude" body suit with Olive's tattoos all over it.

HAZEL
They fired me. I caused an
outbreak of conjunctivitis. I
didn't wash my hands. I had pink
eye hands! Pink hands!

INTERCUT WITH:

A114 INT. WAREHOUSE - 2024 - SAME A114

Caden sits at his desk, talking on his cell phone.

CADEN
Oh God.

HAZEL
I didn't wash my hands! I'm a
stupid cow! I don't have anything
to show for being on this planet.
And this fucking private Christian
school is killing us. It's not
cheap. It's Derek's thing. I
don't believe in that shit.
Y'know? Try to be a good person.
That's all there is. I'm sorry.
I'm talking too much. Do you have
anything for me, Caden?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 76.
A114 CONTINUED: A114

CADEN HAZEL
Um, I have an assistant, Please, Caden. Everything is
Hazel. And there's no box falling apart. I miss you.
office yet. There are problems at home.
I'm worthless. I'm fat.
What am I going to do?
Nobody laughs at my jokes the
way you did.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense warehouse setting, Caden, using a cane, demands brutal honesty from a group of actors about their performances and personal struggles. He reveals his intention to have someone portray him to delve into his troubled psyche, prompting discomfort among the actors, particularly towards Claire. Meanwhile, Hazel, in her car, expresses her distress over being fired and feelings of worthlessness during a phone call with Caden, who listens empathetically. The scene highlights Caden's insecurities and Hazel's longing for connection, leaving their conflicts unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a deep sense of emotion and introspection, drawing the audience into the characters' inner turmoil and regrets. The dialogue is poignant and reflective, adding depth to the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reflecting on past decisions and regrets is effectively explored through the characters' conversations and emotional revelations. The scene delves into themes of loss, missed opportunities, and the weight of past actions.

Plot: 7.5

While the scene focuses more on character introspection and emotional depth than plot progression, it serves as a crucial moment for exploring the characters' inner struggles and relationships. The plot moves forward through the characters' emotional arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and emotionally charged situations that challenge the characters' beliefs and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Hazel and Caden, are well-developed and complex, showcasing deep emotional layers and internal conflicts. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their regrets, vulnerabilities, and the impact of past decisions on their present lives.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Hazel and Caden, undergo emotional changes and introspection in the scene, reflecting on their past decisions and current struggles. Their regrets and vulnerabilities lead to moments of growth and self-awareness.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to confront the brutal truth about himself and his life. He wants to delve into his own psyche and explore his loneliness and insecurities.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to direct the actors and create a performance that reflects his inner turmoil and struggles. He also needs to address the concerns of the actors and maintain the production.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, it is more internal and reflective than external. The conflict arises from the characters' regrets, vulnerabilities, and struggles with past decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and relationships. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates and decisions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and internal, focusing on the characters' regrets, vulnerabilities, and struggles with past decisions. While there is tension and conflict, it is driven by the characters' emotional states rather than external events.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional depth than plot progression, it moves the story forward by exploring the characters' inner struggles, relationships, and the consequences of past actions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected emotional revelations and personal conflicts that challenge the characters' beliefs and relationships. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of facing one's inner demons and seeking the truth, even if it is brutal and uncomfortable. It challenges the characters' beliefs about themselves and their relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and remorse in the audience. The characters' deep introspection and regrets resonate with viewers, creating a poignant and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant, introspective, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and regrets. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the audience's understanding of the characters' emotional states.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the characters' inner struggles and emotional turmoil, creating a sense of tension and introspection. The raw emotions and personal revelations draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and introspection. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the emotional depth of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear focus on character development and emotional depth. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and his desire for authenticity in his work, which is a central theme of the screenplay. However, the dialogue can feel a bit heavy-handed at times, particularly in Caden's monologue about the brutal truth. This could be streamlined to maintain the audience's engagement without losing the essence of his character's struggle.
  • The interaction between Caden and Tom introduces a conflict regarding the timeline of their production, which adds tension. However, Tom's interruption could be more impactful if it were framed as a challenge to Caden's authority rather than a simple question. This would deepen the conflict and highlight Caden's desperation for validation.
  • The transition between Caden's intense focus on his artistic vision and Hazel's chaotic personal struggles feels abrupt. While this juxtaposition is interesting, it may benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer thematic connection to enhance the emotional resonance.
  • Hazel's dialogue in the car is filled with self-deprecation and despair, which effectively conveys her emotional state. However, it might be more powerful if she expressed specific examples of her struggles rather than general statements about feeling worthless. This would create a stronger connection with the audience and provide a clearer picture of her character's plight.
  • The visual elements in the scene, such as Caden's use of a cane and the actors' uncomfortable glances, effectively convey the underlying tension and emotional weight. However, incorporating more sensory details could enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the warehouse or the physicality of the actors' reactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening Caden's monologue to make it more impactful. Focus on key phrases that encapsulate his emotional state without overwhelming the audience with exposition.
  • Enhance Tom's interruption by framing it as a challenge to Caden's authority, which would add depth to their relationship and heighten the stakes of the scene.
  • Create a smoother transition between Caden's intense artistic vision and Hazel's personal struggles by adding a line or two that connects their emotional states, emphasizing the theme of isolation.
  • Encourage Hazel to share specific examples of her struggles to create a more vivid and relatable portrayal of her character's despair.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene's atmosphere, such as the sounds of the warehouse or the physical reactions of the actors, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 36 -  Reflections of Obsession
114 INT. WAREHOUSE - AUDITION CORNER - 2025 - LATER 114

The actors are in their apartments living their lives. Caden
is in the far corner of the space, at a little sectioned-off
area. There are a half-dozen actors sitting on folding
chairs outside the partition. They all resemble Caden,
except one very tall one. Hazel steps around the partition.

HAZEL
Sammy Barnathan?

Sammy Barnathan stands. He is the gaunt man we've seen
following Caden. Hazel leads him to Caden. Caden stands.

HAZEL (CONT'D) SAMMY
This is Sammy Barnathan. I don't have a resume or
picture. I've never worked
as an actor.

CADEN
Good. Tell me why you're here.

SAMMY
I've been following you for twenty
years. So I knew about this
audition. Because I follow you.

Caden, hiding is nervousness, nods.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
I've learned everything about you
by following you. Hire me and you
will see who you truly are.

Caden stares at Sammy. Sammy stares back. There's fear in
Caden's eyes but he doesn't drop his gaze.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
Peek-a-boo.

Sammy transforms effortlessly into Caden.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 76A.
114 CONTINUED: 114

SAMMY (CONT'D)
Okay, Hazel, I don't think we need
to talk to anyone else. This guy
has me down. I'm going to cast him
right now. Then maybe you and I
can get a drink and we can try to
figure out this thing between us.
Why I cried. I've never felt about
anyone the way I feel about you. I
want to fuck you until we merge
into a Chimera.
(MORE)




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 77.
114 CONTINUED: (2) 114
SAMMY (CONT'D)
A mythical beast with penis and
vagina eternally fused, two pair of
eyes that look only at each other,
lips ever touching and one voice
that whispers to itself.

CADEN
Yes, okay. You've got the part.

Sammy nods and exits. Hazel follows him with her eyes.

HAZEL
He's good, Caden.

CADEN
Please don't fall in love with him.

HAZEL
I only have eyes for you, dear.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a warehouse audition corner, Caden encounters Sammy Barnathan, an actor who has obsessively followed him for twenty years. Despite lacking formal experience, Sammy claims he can reveal Caden's true self through performance, leading to a tense yet intriguing interaction. As Sammy transforms into Caden, Caden grapples with his discomfort and identity, ultimately deciding to cast him. The scene concludes with Hazel admiring Sammy's talent while reassuring Caden of her loyalty.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Thematic richness
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to complex themes and character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted, with a strong focus on character dynamics, emotional depth, and thematic exploration. The tension and vulnerability displayed by the characters create a compelling and engaging atmosphere, drawing the audience into the complex web of relationships and personal struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of using an audition as a vehicle for exploring themes of identity, obsession, and emotional vulnerability is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively blurs the lines between reality and fiction, challenging the audience to question the nature of truth and perception.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the audition process and the emotional dynamics between the characters, driving the narrative forward through tension, vulnerability, and self-discovery. The plot progression is engaging and serves to deepen the thematic exploration of identity and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the audition process, blending elements of suspense, intimacy, and psychological drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Caden, Sammy, and Hazel, are well-developed and complex, with layers of emotion, motivation, and internal conflict. Their interactions reveal deep-seated desires, fears, and vulnerabilities, adding depth and richness to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, particularly Caden and Hazel, undergo significant emotional and psychological changes throughout the scene, revealing new layers of vulnerability, desire, and self-discovery. These changes drive the narrative forward and deepen the thematic exploration of identity and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and hide his nervousness while facing a stalker who knows intimate details about him. This reflects his fear of being exposed and his desire to protect his identity.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to cast the right actor for the part, balancing his personal feelings and professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including emotional tension, personal struggles, and relational dynamics. The conflicts drive the narrative forward, creating a sense of urgency, drama, and emotional intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a challenging and unpredictable situation that tests his control and vulnerability.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing emotional, psychological, and relational challenges that have significant consequences for their identities, relationships, and self-discovery. The tension and vulnerability create a sense of urgency and drama, heightening the emotional impact and thematic depth of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character dynamics, revealing new layers of emotion and motivation, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. The progression of tension, vulnerability, and self-discovery drives the narrative forward, engaging the audience and building momentum.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations about the characters and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, obsession, and intimacy. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about control and privacy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of fear, love, desperation, and confusion from the audience. The vulnerability and intensity displayed by the characters create a deeply emotional and engaging experience, drawing the audience into the complex web of relationships and personal struggles.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, emotional, and impactful, revealing the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters with authenticity and depth. The exchanges between Caden, Sammy, and Hazel are filled with tension, vulnerability, and subtext, adding layers of complexity to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, unpredictable dialogue, and high stakes.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a dramatic confrontation, building tension through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Caden and Sammy, highlighting Caden's vulnerability and the unsettling nature of being confronted by someone who claims to know him so intimately. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtlety; Sammy's declaration of wanting to 'merge into a Chimera' feels overly dramatic and may detract from the authenticity of the moment. It risks pulling the audience out of the emotional core of the scene.
  • Caden's nervousness is well-portrayed, but the scene could delve deeper into his internal conflict. The fear in his eyes is a strong visual cue, yet it would be more impactful if we had a clearer understanding of what specifically he fears about Sammy's transformation into him. This could be explored through Caden's internal monologue or a brief flashback that illustrates his past struggles with identity.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from Sammy's audition to Caden's acceptance of him. Allowing more time for Caden to process Sammy's transformation and the implications of casting him would enhance the emotional weight of the moment. This could be achieved by extending the silence between their exchanges or adding a moment of reflection for Caden before he makes his decision.
  • Hazel's presence in the scene serves as a grounding force, but her dialogue could be more nuanced. Instead of simply stating that Sammy is good, she could express her concerns or excitement in a way that reflects her complex feelings towards both Caden and Sammy. This would add depth to her character and the dynamics at play.
  • The ending line, 'I only have eyes for you, dear,' feels somewhat clichéd and could be reworked to better reflect Hazel's character development and her relationship with Caden. A more original expression of her feelings would resonate more with the audience and avoid the trope of the jealous lover.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Sammy's monologue to make it less overtly dramatic. Instead of the Chimera metaphor, explore a more grounded expression of his feelings that still conveys his obsession with Caden.
  • Incorporate Caden's internal thoughts or flashbacks to provide context for his fear of Sammy's transformation. This will help the audience connect with his emotional state on a deeper level.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more tension and reflection. Use pauses and silence to emphasize Caden's internal struggle before he makes the decision to cast Sammy.
  • Enhance Hazel's dialogue to reflect her complexity. Instead of a straightforward compliment, have her express a mix of admiration and concern, which would add layers to her character and the situation.
  • Rework the final line to avoid clichés. Consider a more unique expression of Hazel's feelings that captures her character's growth and the nuances of her relationship with Caden.



Scene 37 -  Struggles in Decay
115 INT. WAREHOUSE - 2025 - A FEW MOMENTS LATER 115

Caden limps with his cane and a backpack toward the men's
room door. His eyes are rheumy. He pushes open the door.

116 INT. WAREHOUSE - MEN'S ROOM - 2025 - CONTINUOUS 116

The room is filthy. Flies buzz. The urinals are covered
with slime. Caden enters a stall, pulls down his pants, and
sits. He strains. When he is done, he looks at his stool.
It's gray. He wipes and flushes, pulls up his pants and
exits the stall. Sammy stands there.

SAMMY
I've never seen your shit gray.

CADEN
It's new.

Sammy jots a note. Caden places his backpack on a sink. He
looks at himself in the mirror, stalling.

SAMMY
I know it's pill time. You don't
need to hide from me.

Caden opens his pack and pulls out a baggie full of pills.
He takes them, one-by-one. Sammy watches and counts. When
it's over, he speaks.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
You're missing your Fosonex.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 78.
116 CONTINUED: 116

CADEN SAMMY
No. Check your bag.

Caden pulls out books and notebooks and a sweater. The pill
falls out of the sweater onto the grimy floor.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
Fosonex, 2.5 mg.

Caden picks the pill up off the floor. It's got grime on it.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
Swallow it anyway. It's important.
Go on, sweetie.

Caden looks at Sammy and swallows the pill.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
Good boy.

117 EXT. NYC CITY STREET - 2025 - EVENING 117

Caden exits the warehouse with Claire and Ariel, who is now
five. Sammy walks alongside. There is a long line of people
waiting to find out about tickets for the show.

MAN
When is it opening?

CADEN
When it's ready.

MAN
We need to get in. It's bad out
here.

They move on, passing poor people waiting in line for food
distributed from a military truck. There are sick people
being herded into a scary bus marked "Fun Land." The guards
wear surgical masks.

CADEN
I was thinking of calling it
Simulacrum. What do you think?

CLAIRE
I don't know what it means.

ARIEL
Can me have a nickel if I doesn't
play with my pee-pee no more?

A hovercraft glides down the street with searchlights.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 79.
117 CONTINUED: 117

CADEN
How about The Flawed Light of Love
and Grief?

CLAIRE
I'm not sure.

Sammy jots something in his book.

118 INT. CLAIRE'S BEDROOM (NYC APARTMENT) - 2025 - NIGHT 118

Caden and Claire have sex. Sammy watches from a chair in the
corner. Ariel sits on his lap. They finish and Caden glances
at Sammy.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a grim warehouse men's room, Caden, struggling with health issues, discovers his missing medication, Fosonex, and reluctantly takes it after finding it on the dirty floor. As he leaves with Claire and their child Ariel, they encounter a line of people waiting for food, highlighting their bleak reality. The scene shifts to an intimate moment between Caden and Claire, watched by Sammy, revealing the complex dynamics and dependencies among the characters amidst a decaying urban landscape.
Strengths
  • Authentic portrayal of decay and vulnerability
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Grim setting may be off-putting for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of decay and intimacy through its setting, dialogue, and character interactions. The exploration of physical and emotional struggles adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring physical and emotional decay, intimate moments, and struggles with medication is well-developed and adds layers to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through character interactions, revealing vulnerabilities, and setting up future developments, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to dystopian storytelling by focusing on the protagonist's personal struggles and relationships in a bleak future setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are portrayed with depth, showcasing their vulnerabilities, struggles, and intimate moments, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional changes and vulnerabilities, adding depth to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to hide his deteriorating health and dependency on medication from others, particularly Sammy. This reflects his fear of vulnerability and his desire to maintain a sense of control and independence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prepare for a show called 'Simulacrum' and discuss potential names with Claire and Ariel. This reflects his immediate circumstances and challenges in navigating his deteriorating health while trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles and vulnerabilities rather than external events.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from his deteriorating health, dependency on medication, and the harsh realities of the dystopian world. The audience is left unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with physical and emotional decay, intimacy, and mortality.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing character vulnerabilities, setting up future developments, and exploring themes of decay and intimacy.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like the protagonist's deteriorating health and the dystopian setting, adding layers of complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with his own mortality and the fragility of life in a dystopian society. This challenges his beliefs about control, identity, and the meaning of existence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its portrayal of physical and emotional decay, intimate moments, and character vulnerabilities.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, struggles, and vulnerabilities, adding authenticity to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it combines intimate character moments with world-building details, creating a sense of tension and intrigue that keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of slower character moments and faster-paced dialogue that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a character-driven drama in a dystopian setting, with a clear progression of events and dialogue that advances the plot and develops the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's physical and emotional deterioration, using the grimy men's room as a metaphor for his current state. The visual imagery of the filthy environment contrasts sharply with the gravity of Caden's health issues, enhancing the sense of despair.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Sammy is both revealing and unsettling. Sammy's casual observation about Caden's stool and his insistence on Caden taking his medication highlight the power dynamics in their relationship. However, the tone can come off as overly comedic given the serious context, which may undermine the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Caden's reluctance to take the Fosonex pill, even after it falls on the floor, symbolizes his struggle with accepting his health condition. This moment could be further emphasized by exploring Caden's internal thoughts or feelings about taking medication, which would deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • The transition from the men's room to the outside world is jarring. While it serves to juxtapose Caden's personal struggles with the broader societal decay, the shift could benefit from a smoother narrative flow. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a sensory detail that connects the two environments more cohesively.
  • The dialogue about the title of Caden's show feels somewhat disconnected from the emotional core of the scene. While it serves to illustrate Caden's creative process, it may detract from the urgency of his health concerns. A more focused conversation that ties back to his current state could enhance the scene's impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or visual cues that reflect Caden's emotional state as he navigates the men's room. This could provide deeper insight into his character and enhance the audience's empathy.
  • Revisit the balance between humor and seriousness in Sammy's dialogue. While dark humor can be effective, ensure it aligns with the overall tone of the scene and does not detract from the gravity of Caden's situation.
  • Enhance the transition between the men's room and the outside world by incorporating sensory details that bridge the two settings, such as sounds or smells that evoke Caden's feelings of discomfort and despair.
  • Explore Caden's hesitation to take the Fosonex pill more deeply. This could involve a moment of hesitation or a flashback that illustrates his past struggles with health and acceptance, adding layers to his character.
  • Consider refining the dialogue about the title of Caden's show to make it more relevant to his current emotional struggles. This could involve a discussion that reflects his fears or hopes, tying it back to his health and relationships.



Scene 38 -  Reflections on the Fire Escape
119 EXT. CLAIRE'S FIRE ESCAPE (NYC APARTMENT) - WINTER 2025 - 119
LATER

Caden and Sammy watch the city: fires in the distance. Human
wailing. Christmas decorations in windows across the way.
Occasional explosions. Claire pokes her head out.

CLAIRE
I'm going to work in my journal.
You guys need anything?

CADEN SAMMY
No, thanks. No, thanks, Claire.

CADEN
Claire? I want you to drop your
study of Mrs. Kranstein.

CLAIRE CADEN
Caden -- I want you to play yourself.
Sammy's going to move into
your apartment set as me.

CLAIRE CADEN
It's just that I've made such As the vision reveals itself,
enormous strides as Jocelyn we all have to be willing to
and -- adapt, honey.

SAMMY
It'd be my honor to play your
husband, Claire. You're an amazing
actress. I saw you in Bernarda
Alba last year at The Roundabout.

CLAIRE
Yeah? That was a fun play.
Emotionally tough, but fucking
fulfilling.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 80.
119 CONTINUED: 119
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
And I loved working with so many
strong female actresses. Ugh,
Lorca's a genius. Okay. I'm going
to start thinking about myself.

Claire exits.

SAMMY
Start, huh?

Caden chuckles.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
(beat)
Why did we leave Adele, Caden?

CADEN
She left us. You know that better
than anyone. Except me.

SAMMY
Amazing artist though. The best
living artist. There's no one who
stares the truth in the face like
she does. A sweet pussy, too.

Caden looks at Sammy, confused.

CADEN
How do you know that?

SAMMY
Oh. I read it.

CADEN
Anyway, I don't know where she is.

A strange dirigible flies very low overhead.

SAMMY
Maybe she's got a sublet in New
York. Maybe the Met's doing a
retrospective. Maybe, baby.

He hands Caden a slip of paper.

CADEN
Why are you giving this to me?

SAMMY
I want to follow you there and see
how you lose even more of yourself.
Research. For the part. Partner.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 81.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological"]

Summary On Claire's fire escape in a chaotic New York City, Caden encourages Claire to prioritize her own identity over her studies, leading her to reflect on her past acting successes. As Claire decides to focus on herself, Sammy admires artist Adele and expresses his desire to follow Caden for research, leaving Caden puzzled. The scene captures a blend of introspection and tension against a backdrop of festive yet tumultuous imagery.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Reflective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with emotionally charged dialogue and reflective moments that provide insight into the characters' inner turmoil and desires. It effectively sets up future developments and adds layers to the relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal struggles, past relationships, and the search for connection is well-developed in the scene. It delves into the complexities of human emotions and relationships, adding depth to the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses through the characters' emotional revelations and reflections, setting up future conflicts and developments. The scene adds layers to the overall narrative and deepens the audience's understanding of the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as a dystopian setting, philosophical conflicts, and surreal dialogue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are richly developed, with complex emotions and personal struggles that drive the scene forward. Their interactions and revelations add depth to their relationships and individual arcs.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional revelations and reflections that contribute to their growth and development. Their interactions and conversations lead to personal insights and changes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his artistic vision and control over the situation. It reflects his need for validation and recognition as an artist.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Claire to drop her study of Mrs. Kranstein and play herself in his vision. This reflects his immediate challenge of getting others to align with his artistic vision.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is emotional tension and personal struggles in the scene, the conflict is more internal and reflective, focusing on the characters' emotional journeys and revelations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations between the characters.

High Stakes: 7

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters in terms of personal growth and relationships, the external stakes are relatively low in this scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships, setting up future conflicts, and adding layers to the narrative. It progresses the plot through emotional revelations and personal reflections.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the surreal imagery and unexpected character interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between artistic integrity and personal relationships. Caden's desire for Claire to play herself challenges her own artistic pursuits and sense of self.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' inner turmoil and personal struggles. The poignant moments and heartfelt conversations resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is poignant and emotionally charged, revealing the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. It effectively conveys the complexities of their relationships and personal journeys.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of dark humor, existential themes, and character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue with action and building tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and bleak atmosphere of the city, juxtaposed with the personal struggles of the characters. The contrast between the external chaos (fires, explosions) and the internal conflicts (Caden's emotional turmoil, Claire's artistic journey) is compelling and adds depth to the narrative.
  • Caden's dialogue about wanting Claire to abandon her study of Mrs. Kranstein in favor of playing herself is a pivotal moment that reflects his desire for authenticity and connection. However, it could benefit from more emotional weight. Caden's motivations for this request could be more explicitly tied to his own insecurities and fears about losing Claire, which would enhance the stakes of the conversation.
  • The introduction of Sammy as a character who admires Claire and expresses a desire to play her husband adds an interesting dynamic, but it also raises questions about Caden's feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. This tension could be explored further to create a more layered conflict within the scene.
  • The dialogue flows well, but some lines, particularly Sammy's comments about Adele, feel somewhat jarring and could be better integrated into the overall tone of the scene. The casual mention of Adele's intimate details seems out of place and could detract from the emotional gravity of the moment.
  • The visual imagery of the cityscape, with Christmas decorations amidst destruction, is striking and serves as a metaphor for the characters' lives. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further into this environment, such as sounds, smells, or tactile sensations that reflect the chaos outside.
Suggestions
  • Consider deepening Caden's emotional motivations for wanting Claire to play herself. This could involve a more explicit connection to his fears of losing her or his own identity crisis, which would heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Explore the tension between Caden and Sammy more thoroughly. This could involve Caden expressing discomfort or jealousy regarding Sammy's admiration for Claire, which would add complexity to their relationship and enhance the conflict.
  • Rework Sammy's dialogue about Adele to ensure it aligns with the scene's tone. Consider focusing on his admiration for her artistry without delving into personal details that may feel out of place.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting. Describe the sounds of the city, the cold winter air, or the flickering lights of the Christmas decorations to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or reflection after Claire exits, allowing Caden and Sammy to process the conversation. This could provide a deeper insight into their emotional states and the weight of the decisions being made.



Scene 39 -  Mistaken Identities
120 EXT. CITY STREET (NEAR 31Y BUILDING) - FALL 2026 - NIGHT 120

Dark, deserted part of town. The wind blows wet leaves. A
kid walks by in a Hallowe'en costume, looking lost. Caden
finds the address: an old, narrow, very tall, very dark
building. There's a piece of looseleaf paper with the
handwritten note "Death in family. God relieve our grief."
taped to the front door. He approaches the tenant buzzers and
buzzes 31Y. The name on the apartment is Capgras. The door
buzzes.

121 OMITTED 121

122 INT. ELEVATOR (31Y BUILDING) - 2026 - MOMENTS LATER 122

It's small. The walls are panelled with ancient, scarred
wood. Caden presses "31." The doors close; the elevator
ascends, swaying and creaking. The doors open on 17; nobody
gets on. As they begin to close:

FAINT FARAWAY VOICE
Hold it. Hold it, please.

Caden reaches for the "door open" button but doesn't press
it. The doors close and the elevator continues its shaky
ascent. The doors open on 31 and Caden exits.

123 INT. 31ST FLOOR HALLWAY (31Y BUILDING) - 2026 - CONTINUOUS 123

Sound of the elevator descending. Caden heads down the long
hall, looking at apartment numbers. He gets to the end and
is only at 31J. He turns and heads back. The elevator is
ascending again. As he passes the elevator door, it opens
and a very old, feeble-looking man or woman steps out.

OLD PERSON
I asked you to hold the door.

CADEN OLD PERSON
I'm sorry. I pressed it, but You didn't press it.
I think it was too late.

Caden continues to walk down the hall. The old person walks
behind him. Caden looks behind him and smiles awkwardly.

CADEN
Have a good night.

He picks up his pace, trying to be casual about it. He
arrives at 31Y, glances over and sees the old person knocking
feebly on a door down the hall.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 82.
123 CONTINUED: 123

OLD PERSON
Frances, I need to go to the
clinic. Something's terribly wrong
with my nose.

Caden knocks on 31Y. No answer. He knocks again. Down the
hall, the door opens and another old person steps out into
the hall. This person examines the first old person's nose.

OLD PERSON #2
Oh yes. I see.

Old Person #2 squints over at Caden.

OLD PERSON #2 (CONT'D)
Are you Ellen? Ellen?!

CADEN
What?

OLD PERSON #2
(approaching)
Are you Ellen Bascomb? I'm to give
the key to 31Y to Ellen Bascomb.

CADEN
(beat)
Yes, I'm Ellen.

Old Person #2 fishes a key out of the overcoat pocket.

OLD PERSON #2
She said you should just go in and
get started. She said, don't
forget to change the sheets.

CADEN
Ok. Thank you.

Old Person #2 turns and heads back down the hall to Old
Person #1, whose nose has started to bleed.

OLD PERSON #2
Oh dear.

Caden enters the apartment.

124 INT. 31Y - 2026 - CONTINUOUS 124

An expansive, well-decorated place. Someone was just here:
there's a steaming cup of coffee on the kitchen table.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 83.


125 INT. 31Y BEDROOM - 2026 - MOMENTS LATER 125

Clothing strewn about. There's a handwritten note on the
night table. He reads it:

ADELE'S VOICE
Hi Ellen. Be a doll and do the
sheets and whatever is in the
hamper. Your money is under the
toaster. Kisses, Adele. ps. bag
of stuff in bedroom closet for
Goodwill. Take what you want.

126 INT. 31Y BATHROOM - 2026 - LATER 126

Caden scrubs the filthy toilet bowl.

127 INT. 31Y BEDROOM - 2026 - DAWN 127

Caden folds laundry and puts it away. He spots the bag of
clothing and goes through it. There are several blouses and
skirts, a red beret, and some lingerie.

128 EXT. 31Y APARTMENT BUILDING - 2026 - MORNING 128

Caden exits with bag of clothing. Several Latina and Eastern
European cleaning ladies are exiting buildings also.

129 INT. CLAIRE APARTMENT (NYC APARTMENT) - 2026 - LATER 129

Caden enters. Claire is in her bathrobe, worried and angry.

CADEN
I went for a walk. I had to think.

CLAIRE
All night? You smell weird. Are
you wearing lipstick?

CADEN
No! What do I smell like? Like
bad? Like an old person?

CLAIRE
I don't know. Like mold? I don't
know. Like mold and ... cleaning
products? Like you're
menstruating? I don't know!
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Caden arrives at a dark, deserted city street and enters an old building, where he mistakenly assumes the identity of Ellen Bascomb after an elderly resident gives him her apartment key. Inside, he spends the night cleaning and folding laundry, embodying the responsibilities expected of Ellen. The scene culminates with Caden entering Claire's apartment, where she expresses concern about his disheveled appearance and late-night activities.
Strengths
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Tense tone
  • Intriguing interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and tense tone, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events and the peculiar interactions. The dialogue and character dynamics add depth to the scene, enhancing the overall atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a visit to a strange building and interactions with enigmatic characters, is intriguing and well-executed. It effectively establishes a sense of mystery and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Caden's visit to the 31Y building, adding layers of mystery and tension. It advances the narrative by introducing new elements and raising questions for the audience.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the interactions with the old people in the building and the task of cleaning an unfamiliar apartment. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, including Caden and the old persons, are well-developed and contribute to the overall atmosphere. Their interactions and dialogue enhance the sense of mystery and tension.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and events hint at potential developments for Caden and the other characters in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to complete the tasks left for 'Ellen' in the apartment, which reflects his desire to fulfill responsibilities and possibly find a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 9

Caden's external goal is to clean and organize the apartment, as instructed in the notes left for 'Ellen'. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is subtle but present, adding to the overall tension and mystery. The interactions between characters and the strange events contribute to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Caden faces challenges in completing the tasks left for 'Ellen' and navigating the interactions with the old people in the building.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are moderate, with a sense of mystery and tension driving the narrative. The outcome of Caden's visit to the building and his interactions with the characters hold significance for the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements and raising questions for the audience. It sets the stage for further developments and adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions with the old people in the building and the mysterious tasks left for 'Ellen'. The audience is kept guessing about Caden's true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around identity and deception, as Caden pretends to be 'Ellen' and interacts with the old people in the building. This challenges his beliefs about honesty and authenticity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, leading to an emotional impact on the audience. The interactions and dialogue create a palpable atmosphere of mystery and intrigue.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions. It enhances the mysterious and tense tone of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, intriguing character interactions, and the unfolding of tasks that reveal deeper layers of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between locations. It effectively builds tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of isolation and confusion through Caden's journey to the apartment, which mirrors his internal struggles. The dark, deserted setting enhances the mood of despair and uncertainty, making it a fitting backdrop for Caden's character arc.
  • The use of the old people as secondary characters adds a layer of surrealism and highlights themes of aging and neglect. Their interactions with Caden serve to emphasize his own feelings of disconnection and the passage of time, which is a recurring motif in the screenplay.
  • Caden's decision to impersonate 'Ellen' is a pivotal moment that reflects his desperation and the lengths he will go to find a sense of belonging. This choice could be further explored to deepen the audience's understanding of his psyche and motivations.
  • The dialogue is sparse but effective, allowing the visuals and actions to convey much of the emotional weight. However, the old person's dialogue could be tightened to maintain the scene's pacing and avoid any potential confusion for the audience.
  • The transition from Caden's encounter with the old people to his entry into the apartment is smooth, but the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional payoff. Caden's actions inside the apartment should reflect his internal state more explicitly, perhaps through his reactions to the environment or the items he finds.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or voiceover from Caden as he navigates the building, providing insight into his thoughts and feelings about the situation. This could enhance the audience's connection to his character.
  • Explore the significance of the note from Adele more deeply. Perhaps Caden could have a moment of reflection on their relationship as he reads it, which would add emotional depth to his actions.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the apartment. Describing the smells, sounds, or even the feeling of the space could immerse the audience further into Caden's experience.
  • Clarify the old person's dialogue to ensure it serves the scene's purpose without detracting from the pacing. Streamlining their lines could maintain the tension and focus on Caden's journey.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional hook. Perhaps Caden could find something in the apartment that triggers a memory or realization, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of his internal conflict.



Scene 40 -  Tensions in Rehearsal
130 INT. CLAIRE'S BATHROOM (NYC APARTMENT) - 2026 - MORNING 130

Caden is scrubbing himself raw in the shower.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 84.


131 INT. WAREHOUSE - CITY SET - 2026 - DAY 131

The actors are in their "apartments" and rehearsal is in
progress. Caden walks along the scaffolding followed by
Hazel. He hands scraps of paper to each actor he passes,
then turns his attention to Sammy and Claire. She's in her
underwear and getting dressed. Sammy comes up behind her and
rubs her ass.

CLAIRE
I don't like that guy you got to
play you.

SAMMY
You don't like Sammy? Why? I
think he's good.


CLAIRE
I think you need to fire him.

Caden hands her a scrap of paper.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
(reading, then to Caden)
Oh, fuck you. I'm forty-five years
old. I don't want to do this shit
anymore.

SAMMY
I'm not firing him, Claire. He's
the best thing in the show. Next
to you.

CLAIRE
He's coming on to me. He's feeling
my ass during rehearsal.

SAMMY
He's your husband.

Claire turns to the real Caden and screams.

CLAIRE
He's not my Godamn husband! You
are! What is wrong with you?

The actor underneath them pounds on his ceiling.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 85.
131 CONTINUED: 131

CADEN SAMMY
Good, Jimmy! (to Claire)
It's for the play. We're
getting at something real
here.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
Ugh! I'm going to rehearsal.

She grabs her coat, tosses the note into the trash, and
storms out and down the stairs.

CADEN
That's great, you guys.

Sammy sits at the table and starts to write on scraps of
paper. Hazel hovers behind him, watching.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Beautiful, Sammy.

Caden leaves the set and steps onto his platform.

SAMMY
Caden, time out?

CADEN SAMMY
What's up? I feel we need a Hazel in
here. There's a whole side
of Caden I'm not able to
explore without a Hazel.

Caden looks over at Hazel. Claire watches Caden from the
street corner.

CADEN
I guess, yeah.

Claire walks off in a huff.

HAZEL
I get to be a character? Hooray!



132 INT. ELEVATOR (31Y BUILDING) - 2026 - NIGHT 132

Caden rides up. The elevator stops. Old Person #1 gets on
with a big bloody bandage covering his nose.

OLD PERSON
Hello, Ellen.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 86.
132 CONTINUED: 132

Caden nods. They continue the ride in silence.

133 INT. 31Y BEDROOM - 2026 - NIGHT 133

Caden looks at the unmade bed, an imprint of a female form in
the sheets. He touches it. He gets a melancholy look on his
face. He lies on his back in the form. He sees a note on
the night table:

ADELE'S VOICE
Hi Ellen. Crackerjack job last
night! Would you do sheets again?
We had quite a fuck last night and
it's musky and gross. Kisses, A.

Caden smells the sheets, strips the bed.

A134 OMITTED A134
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense rehearsal set in a makeshift New York City apartment, Caden attempts to manage the dynamics between the actors, particularly addressing Claire's discomfort with Sammy's inappropriate behavior. Claire confronts Caden about her feelings, leading to a heated exchange where she ultimately decides to leave in frustration. Sammy suggests the need for a character like Hazel to delve deeper into Caden's perspective, while Hazel expresses her eagerness to join the play. The scene concludes with Claire storming out, leaving unresolved tensions behind.
Strengths
  • Emotional intensity
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Claire's outburst may be too abrupt

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflicts between the characters, creating a tense and confrontational atmosphere. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the underlying tensions and frustrations within the relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the tensions and conflicts within the rehearsal setting is compelling and engaging. It provides insight into the characters' motivations, insecurities, and artistic ambitions, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the rehearsal tensions and the strained relationships between the characters. It advances the overarching narrative by revealing the complexities of the characters' interactions and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the challenges of artistic creation and personal relationships, with authentic dialogue and complex character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. Claire's frustration, Caden's insecurity, and Sammy's ambition are effectively conveyed, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and confrontations in the scene, particularly Claire expressing her frustration and Caden facing insecurity. These changes add depth to the characters and set up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complexities of his personal and professional relationships, particularly with his wife and actors. This reflects his desire for artistic success and personal fulfillment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to direct a successful play and maintain control over the production. This reflects the immediate challenges he faces in managing the actors and their performances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters. Claire's frustration with Caden and Sammy's behavior creates a confrontational atmosphere, leading to emotional outbursts and confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the character interactions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters' relationships and artistic ambitions on the line. Claire's frustration, Caden's insecurity, and Sammy's ambition create a tense and high-stakes environment.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the tensions and conflicts between the characters, setting up future conflicts and developments. It advances the narrative by deepening the relationships and dynamics within the story.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and emotional outbursts, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the blurred lines between reality and performance, as the characters struggle to differentiate between their roles in the play and their personal lives. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about art and authenticity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the characters' frustrations and conflicts evoking empathy and tension from the audience. The confrontational moments and emotional outbursts heighten the drama and engage the viewer.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' frustrations and conflicts. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, sharp dialogue, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact, allowing moments of tension and reflection to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, moving between different locations and character interactions seamlessly.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Claire and Caden, showcasing their deteriorating relationship through Claire's frustration with Sammy's behavior. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while Claire's anger is clear, adding layers to her feelings about Caden and Sammy could deepen the emotional impact.
  • The use of physical space is strong, with Caden moving through the scaffolding and interacting with the actors, but the scene could be enhanced by more vivid descriptions of the setting. For instance, detailing the atmosphere of the warehouse and the actors' performances could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Caden's character is portrayed as passive in this scene, primarily reacting to Claire's outburst and Sammy's comments. To strengthen Caden's character arc, consider giving him a more active role in the conflict. This could involve him defending his choice to cast Sammy or expressing his own frustrations about the rehearsal process.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reflects the chaotic nature of the rehearsal, but it sometimes feels overly expository. For example, Claire's line about not wanting to do 'this shit anymore' could be rephrased to convey her feelings more subtly, allowing the audience to infer her deeper frustrations without stating them outright.
  • The ending of the scene, where Hazel expresses excitement about becoming a character, feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the preceding conflict. It would be beneficial to create a smoother transition that ties Hazel's enthusiasm back to the tension between Caden and Claire, reinforcing the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal deeper emotions and motivations behind the characters' actions. This will create a richer emotional landscape.
  • Enhance the setting description to evoke a stronger sense of place and atmosphere, allowing the audience to feel the tension of the rehearsal environment.
  • Give Caden a more active role in the conflict by allowing him to voice his thoughts and feelings about Sammy and Claire's dynamic, which will help develop his character further.
  • Rephrase some of the more expository lines to allow for a more natural flow of conversation, encouraging the audience to read between the lines.
  • Create a more cohesive transition to Hazel's excitement about becoming a character, linking it back to the conflict between Caden and Claire to maintain emotional continuity.



Scene 41 -  Fractured Ties
134 INT. 31Y KITCHEN - 2026 - MORNING 134

Caden sips coffee at the kitchen table. He's writing a note:

CADEN'S VOICE
Hi Adele. Relined the cabinets.
Just wanted to let you know I won a
MacArthur Grant and I'm mounting a
play, which I think is going to be
pure and truthful. Best --

Caden hesitates for a moment, then signs it "Ellen."

135 INT. WAREHOUSE - CLAIRE'S APARTMENT SET - 2026 - DAY 135

Caden and Hazel watch as Claire waits in her bathrobe in the
kitchen and Sammy enters the "apartment."

CLAIRE
Caden, what are you doing at night?
I have a right to fucking know.

SAMMY
I've been going to Adele's place.
And cleaning it.

Long pause. Caden rubs his eyes.

CLAIRE
Do you know what I've given up for
you? For this. For you. For you.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 87.
135 CONTINUED: 135

SAMMY CLAIRE
I'm sorry. I -- I thought I wanted to be
just a working stage actress.
But, y'know, I'm watching all
the young girls crowding me
out and it's --

There's a knock on the door. Sammy just stands there.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
Get the door. Please. Just...

Sammy opens it. Tammy, playing Hazel, stands there.

TAMMY
Uh-oh. This looks serious. Am I
interrupting?

SAMMY
What's going on, Hazel?

TAMMY
Just wanted to tell you the girl
playing me is able to start today.

SAMMY CLAIRE
Oh, good. That's good. That's all we need around
here, two Hazels.

TAMMY (CONT'D)
Okay. I'll take that as my cue.

Tammy closes the door and leaves.

CLAIRE
Maybe you can clean her toilet.

SAMMY
Maybe I will.

CLAIRE
It's over, Caden.

SAMMY
Claire, no.

CLAIRE
I'm not talking to you.

Claire turns to Caden.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 88.
135 CONTINUED: (2) 135

CADEN
I didn't say I was going to clean
Hazel's toilet. He did.

CLAIRE
But you thought it.

There's a silence. Hazel watches Caden closely.

CADEN
I thought it. But I didn't say it.

Claire packs up her stuff.

CLAIRE
I got an offer to do Needleman in a
Haystack and I'm going to take it.
I want you out of the apartment.
The real one. You can keep this
one.

Claire heads down the stairs.

CADEN
Jesus. Claire! Please!

HAZEL
Already put out a call for a Claire
replacement. Would you really
clean my bathroom?

CADEN
(beat, sadly)
Yeah.

HAZEL
God, Caden, it's all so fucked.

136 INT. WAREHOUSE - BATHROOM - 2026 - DAY 136

Caden digs in his bag, pulls out a sponge, gets on his hands
and knees and scrubs the floor.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense morning scene set in a warehouse, Caden writes a note to Adele but hesitates, signing it as 'Ellen.' Claire confronts Sammy about Caden's late-night activities, expressing her frustrations over the sacrifices she's made for him. The confrontation escalates, leading Claire to announce her decision to leave Caden and take a role in a new play. Despite Caden's pleas for her to stay, she remains resolute, leaving him to deal with the aftermath as he resigns himself to cleaning Hazel's bathroom.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters, creating a tense and impactful moment. The dialogue and character interactions are well-crafted, drawing the audience into the strained dynamics of the relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the strained relationships and emotional turmoil within the characters is effectively portrayed in the scene. The focus on communication breakdown and unresolved issues adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around the escalating conflict between Caden, Claire, and Hazel, leading to a pivotal moment where Claire demands Caden to leave. The tension and emotional stakes drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on personal and professional conflicts, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden, Claire, and Hazel are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. The complexity of their relationships and the internal struggles they face add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases the changing dynamics between Caden, Claire, and Hazel, with Claire making a decisive demand for Caden to leave. The characters' emotions and relationships evolve, setting the stage for further developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his relationships with Adele, Claire, and Hazel while pursuing his artistic ambitions. This reflects his desire for validation, success, and authenticity in his creative endeavors.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain his relationships with Claire and Hazel while dealing with the consequences of his actions. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal and professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, with Claire demanding Caden to leave and expressing her frustrations. The tension between the characters creates a high-stakes situation that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and motivations.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are driven by the emotional intensity and conflict between the characters. Claire's demand for Caden to leave raises the stakes and sets the stage for significant changes in their relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the escalating conflict between the characters and setting the stage for future developments. Claire's demand for Caden to leave marks a significant turning point in their relationship.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of character reactions and plot developments, keeping the audience engaged and invested.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of honesty, sacrifice, and self-awareness. Claire confronts Caden about his actions, highlighting the tension between personal desires and moral obligations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, frustration, and tension. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional turmoil and the strained dynamics of their relationships.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and frustration of the characters. The exchanges between Caden, Claire, and Hazel reveal their inner conflicts and the breakdown of communication between them.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, realistic dialogue, and character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, keeping the audience invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Caden, Claire, and Sammy, showcasing the emotional stakes involved in their relationships. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when Claire lists her sacrifices. This could be more subtly conveyed through actions or subtext rather than direct statements.
  • Caden's internal conflict is highlighted through his actions, such as signing the note as 'Ellen,' which adds a layer of complexity to his character. However, the transition between the two settings (the kitchen and the warehouse) could be smoother to maintain the emotional flow. The abrupt shift might disorient the audience.
  • The introduction of Tammy as a character feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a clearer purpose in the scene. While her presence adds to the tension, her motivations and relationship to the other characters could be better established to enhance the stakes.
  • The dialogue between Claire and Caden is strong, but it risks becoming repetitive. Claire's insistence on Caden's actions could be more varied to avoid redundancy. Additionally, Caden's responses could be more emotionally charged to reflect the gravity of the situation.
  • The ending of the scene, where Caden agrees to clean Hazel's bathroom, feels like a moment of resignation rather than empowerment. This could be reframed to show Caden's struggle with his identity and choices, making it a more poignant conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext in Claire's dialogue to convey her frustrations without explicitly stating them. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Enhance the transition between the two settings by using a visual or auditory cue that connects the emotional weight of Caden's note with the tension in the warehouse.
  • Provide more context for Tammy's character before her entrance, perhaps through a brief mention or interaction that establishes her role and relationship with the others.
  • Vary the dialogue to avoid repetition, especially in Claire's lines. This can be achieved by focusing on different aspects of her frustration or using metaphors that reflect her emotional state.
  • Reframe Caden's agreement to clean Hazel's bathroom to reflect his internal conflict. Instead of a resigned acceptance, consider a moment of defiance or a realization that he is losing control over his life.



Scene 42 -  Reflections of Pain and Departure
137 INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART - 2026 - DAY 137

Caden, wearing a pair of magnifying glasses that flip up and
down, enters a crowded gallery of people wearing similar
glasses. The paintings are microscopic. Museum visitors use
the special glasses to study the paintings. There's a wall
inscribed "Small Miracles: The Paintings of Adele Lack."
Biographical info is under. Caden squeezes his way to the
wall to look at paintings. He sees one of an African female
genital mutilation ceremony;


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 89.
137 CONTINUED: 137

a woman weeping over the grave of a child; a man raping a
woman. He comes to a wall titled: "Women I Love." He sees
a self-portrait of Adele, a portrait of Maria, a portrait of
Olive, naked and covered in tattoos. Then he comes to a
portrait entitled "Ellen Bascomb." He steps back for a
second, unable to look. The people behind him are impatient.
Finally he flips the glasses and studies the painting. Ellen
appears to be a chubby, 40 year old white woman, her mousy
brown hair tied back in a kerchief. She is naked and
spreading her vulva for the viewer. She has a kind face and
what appears to be an appendectomy scar.

138 INT. CLAIRE'S KITCHEN (NYC APARTMENT) - 2026 - DAY 138

Caden moves boxes. Claire sits at the kitchen table with an
actor. They are rehearsing lines from Needleman in a
Haystack. *

CLAIRE (AS REBA) *
Oh, Needleman, you had such *
potential. But I’m afraid I’m *
going to have to move on. *

ACTOR (AS NEEDLEMAN) *
Just like that? You don’t give a *
guy even a chance? *

CLAIRE (AS REBA) *
I’m not a chance-giving girl. I’m *
a fun-loving girl. Remember? *

ACTOR (AS NEEDLEMAN) *
I try to be fun-loving. See? *

Needleman makes a funny face. Reba doesn’t react. *

CLAIRE (AS REBA) *
My analyst says you have complexes. *

ACTOR (AS NEEDLEMAN) *
Once you enjoyed Needleman’s *
complexes. *

CLAIRE (AS REBA) *
That’s before my analyst taught me *
that my enjoyment of them was a *
sign of my suppressed non- *
enjoymnent of them. *

ACTOR (AS NEEDLEMAN) *
I hate your analyst. *




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 89A.
138 CONTINUED: 138

CLAIRE (AS REBA) *
She told me your hatred of her is a *
sign of your latent homosexuality. *

CADEN
This is the end of my stuff.

CLAIRE ACTOR
Bye. Bye.

Caden heads out the apartment door.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden navigates a crowded gallery at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, confronting disturbing artworks that evoke trauma and violence, including portraits of women he loves. He is particularly affected by a portrait of Ellen Bascomb, which stirs deep emotional conflict. The scene shifts to Claire's kitchen, where she rehearses lines with an actor, revealing her character's complex feelings about relationships. Caden interrupts, indicating his intention to leave, and exits the apartment, highlighting his struggle with personal connections and painful memories.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Revealing dialogue
  • Artistic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends dialogue, character interactions, and a significant revelation about Adele's artwork, creating a poignant and reflective atmosphere. The emotional depth and tension between Caden and Claire enhance the scene's impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a rehearsal scene with a significant revelation about Adele's artwork adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative. The exploration of themes such as art, relationships, and self-discovery is engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is driven by the rehearsal dynamics and the discovery of Adele's paintings, which contribute to character development and thematic exploration. The tension between Caden and Claire adds layers to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and provocative setting in the futuristic art museum, presenting controversial artwork that challenges societal norms. The characters' dialogue is authentic and thought-provoking, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Claire are well-developed in this scene, with their emotional struggles and relationship dynamics effectively portrayed. The introduction of Adele's artwork and the revelation of Ellen Bascomb's portrait add complexity to the characters.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Claire experience emotional shifts in the scene, with Claire expressing frustration and making a decision to leave Caden, while Caden grapples with the revelation of Adele's artwork and the portrayal of Ellen Bascomb. These changes add depth to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to confront his discomfort and unease with the paintings he views, particularly the one of Ellen Bascomb. This reflects his deeper need to come to terms with difficult and challenging emotions.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to interact with the paintings in the museum and absorb their impact on him. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting controversial and disturbing artwork.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains emotional and relational conflicts between Caden, Claire, and the actor during the rehearsal, as well as internal conflicts related to self-discovery and artistic expression. The tension and frustration contribute to the conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caden facing challenging artwork and conflicting emotions. The audience is left uncertain about how he will navigate the controversial paintings and confront his discomfort.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as the emotional turmoil, relationship dynamics, and artistic revelations have significant consequences for the characters. Claire's decision to leave Caden raises the stakes and sets the stage for further developments.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about Adele's artwork, deepening the characters' relationships and conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments. The decision made by Claire to leave Caden propels the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the controversial artwork and the characters' unexpected reactions to it. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how Caden will navigate the challenging paintings.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of art, its ability to provoke strong emotions, and the viewer's responsibility in engaging with challenging subject matter. This challenges Caden's beliefs about art and his role as a viewer.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the interactions between Caden and Claire, the discovery of Adele's paintings, and the portrayal of Ellen Bascomb. The sadness, frustration, and resignation felt by the characters resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions, conflicts, and inner thoughts. The interactions between Caden, Claire, and the actor during the rehearsal provide insight into their personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its provocative subject matter, sharp dialogue, and emotional intensity. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in Caden's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to experience Caden's discomfort and unease in real-time. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external goals. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil as he confronts the artwork of Adele, which serves as a powerful reflection of his relationships and personal struggles. The use of microscopic paintings and the magnifying glasses creates a unique visual metaphor for Caden's need to scrutinize and understand the complexities of his life and the women he loves.
  • However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. Caden's act of scrubbing the floor is a physical manifestation of his desire to clean up his life, but the shift to the museum lacks a clear emotional or narrative connection. It would benefit from a more seamless transition that ties Caden's actions in the bathroom to his experience in the gallery.
  • The descriptions of the paintings are stark and impactful, but they may overwhelm the audience with their graphic nature. While they serve to illustrate Caden's internal conflict, consider balancing the intensity of the imagery with moments of reflection or dialogue that allow the audience to process the weight of what Caden is witnessing.
  • Caden's reaction to the portrait of Ellen Bascomb is pivotal, yet it could be more deeply explored. His initial inability to look at the painting suggests a significant emotional response, but the scene could benefit from a more explicit internal monologue or visual cues that convey his feelings of shame, regret, or longing.
  • The dialogue in the subsequent scene with Claire feels disconnected from the emotional weight of the previous scene. While it serves to advance the plot, the light-hearted banter contrasts sharply with the heavy themes explored in the gallery. This tonal shift may confuse the audience and dilute the impact of Caden's earlier experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Caden after he views the disturbing paintings, allowing him to articulate his feelings about what he has seen. This could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • To create a smoother transition between the scenes, you might include a moment where Caden reflects on his scrubbing in the bathroom, perhaps thinking about the messiness of his life before entering the museum. This would create a thematic link between the two settings.
  • Evaluate the graphic nature of the paintings and consider whether all of them are necessary to convey Caden's emotional state. You might choose to focus on fewer, more impactful images that resonate with his journey.
  • Enhance Caden's reaction to the portrait of Ellen by incorporating a flashback or a brief internal dialogue that reveals his history with her, which would provide context for his emotional struggle.
  • In the scene with Claire, consider maintaining a more consistent tone that reflects Caden's emotional state. You could introduce a moment of tension or discomfort in their dialogue that echoes the heaviness of the previous scene, reinforcing the idea that Caden is still grappling with his feelings.



Scene 43 -  Fractured Reflections
139 INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY (CLAIRE'S NYC APT.) - 2026 - 139
CONTINUOUS

Caden enters the apartment next door and closes the door.

140 INT. CADEN'S APARTMENT - 2026 - CONTINUOUS 140

It's filled with boxes. Caden hears laughter coming from
next door. He puts his ear against the wall to listen.

141 EXT. CADEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - 2026 - DAY 141

Caden exits, crosses the street, and looks up, trying to see
in Claire's window. He sees her walk by, then nothing.

142 INT. WAREHOUSE - 2026 - DAY 142

Caden sits with Hazel at a table facing the giant, open
apartment building structure. An actress plays Claire. She
sits at the kitchen table of her apartment with an actor
playing the actor. They both hold scripts and read from
Needleman in a Haystack. Sammy is in front of the building,
looking up. Caden looks troubled. Tammy sits to the side of
Hazel and studies her. Every once in a while, Hazel self-
consciously glances over at Tammy, who does not avert her
gaze.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 90.
142 CONTINUED: 142

CADEN
This is a lie!

Caden paces. The actors stop what they're doing, sit with
their legs dangling off the edge of their apartments, wait
for instructions. Caden limps off to the set designer's
office.

A143 INT. WAREHOUSE - WILL'S OFFICE - 2026 - CONTINUOUS A143

Caden enters the office. Will, the production designer, looks
up from his drafting table.

CADEN
Wall it up.

143 INT. WAREHOUSE - CITY SET - 2028 - DAY 143

Sammy stands across the street from the walled-up apartment
building, an exact replica of the real one. He looks up at
Claire's lighted window. Caden watches, pleased.

144 INT. CADEN'S APARTMENT - 2029 - NIGHT 144

Caden, hooked up to pumps, tries to sleep on the floor,
surrounded by boxes. He listens to Claire having sex next
door. He detaches his pumps, gets dressed.

145 INT. 31Y BEDROOM - 2029 - NIGHT 145

Caden sits on the bed and reads a note from Adele:

ADELE'S VOICE
Good for you with your grant!
Listen, I fixed up the walk-in as a
sort of bedroom if you want. We'd
love to have you and you wouldn't
have to schlep all the way to
Queens. Just a thought. Kisses.
A.

146 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET - 2029 - NIGHT 146

Caden sees an unmade cot in the corner and a few cardboard
boxes marked "Stuff for Olive." The "Olive" is crossed out
and replaced with "Caden."

147 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET - 2029 - LATER 147

The boxes are empty as Caden finishes making the bed. The
room is decorated in a girly manner. Pink bedspread. Girly
lamps and furniture. Girly prints on the walls.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 91.


148 EXT. CITY SET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2031 - DAY 148

Sammy, walking with a cane, exits his apartment building set
and walks down the street. Caden and Hazel follow. Sammy
passes people, nods hello to some. He stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper. The set seems to go on forever.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden, frustrated with the inaccurate portrayal of his life in a film, instructs the production designer to wall up the apartment that represents his past. As he grapples with his emotions, he prepares a feminine-themed bedroom in his closet, reflecting his internal struggles. The scene shifts to a future moment where Sammy, now using a cane, exits the apartment building set with Caden and Hazel, indicating the ongoing journey of their intertwined lives.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Nuanced performances
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be slow for some viewers
  • Lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Caden's internal turmoil and the complex dynamics between the characters. It sets up a sense of foreboding and unresolved conflicts, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Caden's deteriorating mental and physical health, his relationships with Adele, Claire, and Hazel, and his search for identity and purpose is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on Caden's internal struggles, his interactions with key characters, and the setup of future conflicts and resolutions. It moves the story forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of reality and fiction, using theatrical elements to explore deep emotional themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and layered.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, especially Caden, Claire, Hazel, and Sammy, are well-developed and complex. Their interactions reveal layers of emotions, motivations, and conflicts, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Caden undergoes significant emotional and physical changes in the scene, reflecting his internal turmoil and search for meaning. The interactions with other characters also lead to subtle changes in their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to confront the falsehoods and illusions he sees in the play being rehearsed, reflecting his deeper need for truth and authenticity in his relationships and surroundings.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal in this scene is to understand the dynamics between the characters in the play and how they reflect his own life experiences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily internal and relational, which drives the character dynamics and narrative progression. The conflicts are subtle but impactful.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caden facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, focusing on the characters' emotional well-being, relationships, and search for identity and purpose. The outcomes of their decisions and actions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character arcs, setting up future conflicts and resolutions, and exploring key themes and relationships. It adds layers to the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the surreal and dreamlike elements, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between reality and illusion, as Caden struggles to distinguish between the truth and the performances he witnesses. This challenges his beliefs about authenticity and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and introspection in the audience. The characters' struggles and vulnerabilities resonate on a deep emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is realistic, emotionally charged, and reflective of the characters' inner turmoil and relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its blend of reality and fiction, emotional depth, and symbolic imagery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is deliberate, allowing for moments of introspection and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is unconventional yet effective in conveying the dreamlike atmosphere of the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format, reflecting the surreal and introspective nature of the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and sense of isolation, particularly through his actions of listening to laughter from next door and his subsequent decision to wall up the apartment. This reflects his internal conflict and desire to escape from the painful reality of his relationships.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat disjointed, particularly with the abrupt transitions between Caden's actions and the interactions in the warehouse. This could be smoothed out to enhance the flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Caden's line, 'This is a lie!' is powerful and encapsulates his frustration with the portrayal of his life and relationships. However, the scene could benefit from additional context or dialogue that elaborates on why he feels this way, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with his emotional state.
  • The visual elements, such as the contrast between the walled-up apartment and the bustling activity of the warehouse, are compelling. However, the scene could further utilize visual storytelling to convey Caden's feelings, perhaps through more descriptive actions or reactions from the other characters in response to his outburst.
  • The introduction of Tammy as a character observing Hazel adds an interesting dynamic, but her role in this scene feels underdeveloped. Expanding her interactions or reactions could provide additional layers to the emotional landscape and enhance the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or internal monologue for Caden that explains why he feels the portrayal of his life is a lie. This could help the audience understand his perspective better.
  • Smooth out the transitions between Caden's actions and the warehouse scenes to create a more cohesive flow. This could involve adding connective dialogue or visual cues that link the different settings more clearly.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more descriptive actions or reactions from the characters in the warehouse during Caden's outburst. This could help to illustrate the impact of his words on those around him.
  • Develop Tammy's character further in this scene by giving her a line or two that reflects her thoughts on the situation, which could add depth to the emotional tension between Caden, Hazel, and the actors.
  • Consider using Caden's physicality more to express his emotional state, such as through his pacing or body language, to visually convey his distress and frustration without relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 44 -  Warehouse Whirlwind
A149 EXT. WAREHOUSE STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2031 - A149
CONTINUOUS

Eventually Sammy arrives at a warehouse that looks exactly
like the warehouse they are in. He enters.

149 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE) - 2031 - 149
CONTINUOUS

Inside it looks exactly like the warehouse, including a
duplicate city set. Sammy hands little scraps of paper to
people, then dumps his pack on the table where Tammy sits.
Hazel and Caden watch.

SAMMY
Morning, Haze.

TAMMY
Hi, Caden. How was your night?

SAMMY
Okay. Yours?

TAMMY
Eh. Philip was colicky. I was up
all night.

Caden looks over at Hazel for confirmation. She nods,
slightly freaked out.

CADEN
Sorry.

SAMMY
(to Tammy)
Sorry. Everybody here?

TAMMY
(looking at clipboard)
Sammy's not here. Jimmy called and
said there's some subway problem.

Jimmy rushes into the warehouse.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 92.
149 CONTINUED: 149

JIMMY
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
(sweetly)
Hi, Hazel.

TAMMY
Hi, Sammy.

SAMMY
(to Tammy)
Sammy likes you.

Caden looks at Hazel. She nods.

SAMMY (CONT'D)
Hazel, could you get everyone
situated? I need to speak to Will
about some new sets.

Sammy pulls some Polaroids out of his backpack.

TAMMY
Yeah. We'll take it from June 9th?

Sammy nods, heads toward the set designer's office.

CADEN
Oh, shit. I need to do that, too.
Haze, keep an eye on things?

HAZEL
Yup. June 9th?

Caden nods, rushes out the door of the warehouse set.

150 OMITTED 150

A151 EXT. UNFINISHED BRICK BUILDING (BROOKLYN BRIDGE PARK)(INT. A151
WAREHOUSE) - 2031 - CONTINUOUS

Caden finds Will up on some scaffolding, working on the set.

CADEN
Will, I need you to build this.

Caden hands Will shots of the exterior and interiors of
Adele's building and of apartment 31Y.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 93.


151 INT. WAREHOUSE - AUDITION CORNER - 2031 - LATER 151

Caden sits at his desk. There are several overweight women
waiting on the other side of the partition. Hazel ushers one
in. She's a ringer for the painting of Ellen.

CADEN
Hazel, what do you think of this
title: Unknown, Unkissed, and Lost?

HAZEL
Eh. Caden this is Millicent Weems.

CADEN
Hi, Millicent. Have a seat. How
are you at cleaning?

MILLICENT
(sitting)
I'm very, very good at it.

CADEN
Because this part requires a lot of
it. You'd play a cleaning lady.

MILLICENT
I played Egga the cleaning lady in
Hedda Gabler at the Roundabout.

CADEN MILLICENT
Great. Okay. And Mrs. Dobson in Scrub-a-
Dub at the Pantages.

CADEN
You're weirdly close to what I've
visualized for this character.

MILLICENT
Glad to be weirdly close.

Millicent and Caden study each other.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Sammy arrives at a warehouse resembling the one he just left, where he interacts with colleagues Tammy, Hazel, and Caden. They discuss their night and the absence of Jimmy, who arrives late due to subway issues. Sammy delegates tasks to Hazel and Caden before heading to speak with Will about new sets. Caden rushes out to find Will, while later at his desk, he meets auditioning actress Millicent and discusses her suitability for a cleaning lady role. The scene captures a casual yet collaborative atmosphere amidst the challenges of managing a production.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of a new character
  • Tension and conflict between characters
  • Intriguing setup for future developments
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be repetitive or unclear

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively introduces a new character, builds tension between existing characters, and hints at future conflicts and developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a new character and escalating tensions between existing characters is well-executed. The scene sets up future developments and conflicts effectively.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is advanced through the introduction of a new character and the escalating conflicts between Claire, Sammy, and Caden. The scene sets the stage for future events and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of sets within sets and blends elements of reality and fiction seamlessly. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and conflicts. The interactions between Claire, Sammy, and Caden add depth to their relationships and hint at future developments.

Character Changes: 8

Claire's decision to leave Caden and take a role in a new play signifies a significant character change. The introduction of Millicent also hints at potential character developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Sammy's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and leadership within the group, as seen by his interactions with Tammy, Hazel, and Caden. This reflects his need for validation and authority.

External Goal: 7

Sammy's external goal is to organize the group and discuss new sets with Will. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing the production and ensuring everything runs smoothly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Claire, Sammy, and Caden is palpable, adding tension and intrigue to the scene. The introduction of a new character also hints at future conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, especially with the unexpected subway problem and Sammy's need to manage the group effectively.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in Claire's decision to leave Caden and take a role in a new play, potentially changing the dynamics of their relationship. The conflicts and tensions between characters raise the stakes for future events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new character, escalating conflicts between existing characters, and setting up future plot developments. The decisions made by Claire and the interactions between characters drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected arrival of Jimmy and the subway problem, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Sammy's desire for control and the unpredictability of external factors like Jimmy's subway problem. This challenges Sammy's belief in his ability to manage everything.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes feelings of tension, curiosity, and concern, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The conflicts and interactions between characters add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, mystery, and character dynamics. The conversations between characters reveal their personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, intriguing setting, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the world of the story and invested in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and description. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It maintains the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and layered nature of Caden's world, with the warehouse set mirroring the reality of the characters' lives. This creates a sense of disorientation that reflects Caden's mental state. However, the dialogue can feel somewhat disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters' interactions. The transitions between characters and their lines could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of Millicent as a character who resembles Ellen adds an intriguing layer to the narrative, but her entrance feels abrupt. The scene could benefit from a more gradual build-up to her introduction, allowing the audience to absorb the significance of her resemblance to Ellen and its implications for Caden's emotional journey.
  • Caden's dialogue about the title 'Unknown, Unkissed, and Lost' is a poignant reflection of his internal struggles, but it lacks a strong connection to the immediate context of the scene. This line could be better integrated into the conversation with Hazel or Millicent to create a more cohesive thematic resonance throughout the scene.
  • The character dynamics between Sammy, Hazel, and Caden are established well, but there is an opportunity to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, exploring Caden's feelings of jealousy or inadequacy in relation to Sammy's interactions with Hazel could add tension and complexity to their relationships.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly with the rapid transitions between dialogue and actions. Slowing down certain moments, especially during character exchanges, could allow for more emotional depth and give the audience time to process the characters' feelings.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create smoother transitions between characters, ensuring that each line flows naturally into the next. This will help maintain the audience's engagement and enhance the overall rhythm of the scene.
  • Introduce Millicent in a way that builds anticipation for her character. Perhaps have Caden mention his need for a cleaning lady earlier in the scene, creating a sense of expectation before her entrance.
  • Integrate Caden's line about the title more effectively into the conversation. For example, have him discuss the themes of the play with Hazel or Millicent, allowing the title to emerge organically from their dialogue.
  • Explore Caden's emotional reactions to Sammy's interactions with Hazel more deeply. This could involve internal monologues or subtle physical cues that reveal his jealousy or insecurity, adding layers to their dynamic.
  • Adjust the pacing by allowing for pauses in dialogue or moments of silence that can heighten tension and give the audience time to absorb the emotional weight of the characters' interactions.



Scene 45 -  Tensions and Alarms
152 EXT. CITY STREETS (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - DAY 152

Caden heads to the warehouse set. He hands paper scraps to
shopkeepers, pedestrians, a guy sweeping the street.

CADEN
Good work, everyone.

Nobody acknowledges him.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 94.


A153 INT. WAREHOUSE - WAREHOUSE SET - 2032 - CONTINUOUS A153

Caden enters the warehouse set. Tammy sits alone at the card
table. There's activity on the street and movement can be
seen in various windows.

CADEN
Where're Sammy and Hazel?

Tammy jerks her head to the left. Caden sees that Sammy has
Hazel with her back against a wall. They are talking
intimately. Caden approaches.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Hey, Sammy, what are you doing?

Sammy and Hazel look over casually.

SAMMY
Hi, Caden. I'm being you. You
like Hazel; I like Hazel.

CADEN
This Hazel doesn't exist for you.
If you want to like a Hazel, like
that one.

Caden points indicates Tammy. Sammy squints over.

TAMMY HAZEL
That's what I tried to tell Aw, no harm, no foul, Caden.
him! It's Equity break anyway.
(loud)
Ten minutes, everybody!

The actors playing the people on the street immediately stop
what they're doing. Actors pour from apartment buildings and
shops, lighting cigarettes and talking on cell phones. Sammy
goes off.

CADEN HAZEL
Hazel. What?

CADEN (CONT'D)
You don't like him, do you?

HAZEL
Kind of. He reminds me of you.

CADEN
I'm me. You don't need someone to
remind you of me.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 95.
A153 CONTINUED: A153

HAZEL
Don't worry, Caden. I like you
more. I do. Sammy's just fun.

CADEN
I'm fun.

HAZEL
Oh, sweetie. No, you're not.

Caden's cell phone rings. He answers it.

CADEN VOICE
Yes? Is this Caden Cotard?

CADEN VOICE
Yes. This is Officer Mark Mellman
of Schnectady P.D.

CADEN VOICE
Yes? I'm sorry to inform you, your
mother has been the victim of
a home invasion.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a bustling warehouse, Caden struggles to connect with those around him, feeling ignored as he hands out paper scraps. He confronts Sammy about his playful interest in Hazel, who reassures Caden of her feelings for him despite enjoying Sammy's company. The light-hearted tension shifts abruptly when Caden receives a phone call from Officer Mark Mellman, informing him of a home invasion at his mother's house, introducing a new layer of urgency and concern.
Strengths
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action or physical conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and introspection of the characters, setting up new conflicts and deepening existing relationships. The dialogue is poignant and reveals the inner thoughts and regrets of the characters, creating a sense of intimacy and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring relationships, regrets, and new conflicts is well-executed in the scene, adding depth to the characters and advancing the overall narrative. The introduction of the news about Caden's mother's home invasion adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on character interactions, emotional revelations, and the introduction of a new conflict, all of which contribute to the overall development of the story. The scene moves the narrative forward while deepening the relationships between the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh dynamics in relationships and explores themes of identity and authenticity in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with complex emotions, motivations, and relationships. The interactions between Caden, Sammy, and Hazel reveal their inner struggles, regrets, and desires, adding depth to their personalities and driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations in the scene, particularly Caden, Sammy, and Hazel. Their interactions and conversations reveal their inner struggles, regrets, and desires, leading to moments of introspection and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his identity and protect his relationships. He is concerned about Sammy's intentions towards Hazel and wants to make sure his presence is valued.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain control over his relationships and surroundings. He wants to ensure that Sammy respects his boundaries and that Hazel's feelings are clear.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the emotional struggles and regrets of the characters. The news of Caden's mother's home invasion adds a new external conflict, heightening the emotional stakes and deepening the character dynamics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and intentions between the characters that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on the characters' inner struggles, regrets, and desires. The news of Caden's mother's home invasion adds a new layer of external conflict, raising the emotional stakes and intensifying the character dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationships between the characters, introducing new conflicts, and advancing the emotional journey of the narrative. The revelations and interactions in the scene set the stage for future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around identity and authenticity. Sammy's actions challenge Caden's sense of self and raise questions about the nature of relationships and personal connections.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and regret in the audience. The intimate conversations, reflective dialogue, and poignant moments between the characters create a sense of emotional depth and connection.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant, intimate, and reflective, capturing the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. The conversations between Caden, Sammy, and Hazel reveal their vulnerabilities, regrets, and longing, creating a sense of intimacy and tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, emotional depth, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing the impact of the character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure and pacing that enhances the tension and emotional impact of the interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's feelings of isolation and frustration as he attempts to connect with those around him, only to be met with indifference. This theme resonates well with the overall narrative of Caden's struggles with relationships and identity.
  • The dialogue between Caden, Sammy, and Hazel is engaging and highlights the tension in Caden's relationships. However, it could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, Caden's jealousy and insecurity could be more pronounced in his tone and body language.
  • The introduction of the phone call from Officer Mark Mellman serves as a dramatic pivot, but the transition feels abrupt. The scene could build more tension leading up to this moment, perhaps by incorporating Caden's internal thoughts or feelings about his mother before the call.
  • The use of the warehouse set as a backdrop is effective in creating a sense of artificiality, mirroring Caden's own feelings of being trapped in a performance of his life. However, the description of the setting could be more vivid to enhance the atmosphere and reflect Caden's emotional state.
  • Tammy's character is introduced but lacks depth in this scene. While she provides a physical presence, her motivations and feelings could be explored further to make her interactions with Caden and Sammy more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or narration from Caden to provide insight into his emotional state as he interacts with others. This could enhance the audience's understanding of his feelings of isolation and jealousy.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Caden and Hazel to include more nuanced exchanges that reveal their complex relationship. This could involve Caden expressing his insecurities more openly or Hazel reassuring him in a way that feels more genuine.
  • Before the phone call, include a moment where Caden reflects on his relationship with his mother or his feelings about family. This could create a stronger emotional buildup to the news of the home invasion.
  • Enhance the visual description of the warehouse set to reflect Caden's emotional turmoil. For example, describe the lighting, sounds, and overall atmosphere to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Develop Tammy's character further by giving her a line or two that reveals her perspective on the situation or her feelings about Caden and Sammy. This could add depth to her role and make the scene more dynamic.



Scene 46 -  Confronting Grief
153 EXT. CEMETERY - 2032 - DAY 153

A funeral is in progress. Caden stands with Tammy and his
father as his mother's coffin is lowered into the ground.
The coffin is banged up and crumbling.

154 INT. CADEN'S MOTHER'S HOUSE - 2032 - DAY 154

Lots of mourners. Caden sits on the couch with Tammy.

CADEN
Was my father standing with us?

TAMMY
I don't know what he looks like.

CADEN
He's dead. He looks dead, I guess.

TAMMY
Probably wasn't him then.

CADEN
A little moustache?

She shrugs.

CADE
Anyway, Thanks for coming with me.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 96.
154 CONTINUED: 154

TAMMY
It's okay.

CADEN
I asked Hazel but she was busy
tonight and you're the next best
thing. I mean, it isn't that
you're the next best thing but
because you play her, it feels
comforting. Does that make sense?
Although the thing is offstage
you're nothing like her. You play
her very well though. Did Hazel
mention what she was doing tonight
because I called her house before
we left and her husband said she
wasn't going to be back till late
and I thought that was weird
because she told me Philip was
sick.

TAMMY
She's going to dinner with Sammy.

CADEN
(calmly)
That's interesting.

TAMMY CADEN
He's supposed to like me. I'll have another talk with
him. Can you excuse me. I
need to use the bathroom.

Caden gets up and turns to leave.

TAMMY
Don't forget your phone.

CADEN
Thank you, Yammy.

Caden takes the phone and limps off.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary At a cemetery, Caden, Tammy, and his father attend Caden's mother's funeral. Caden reflects on his father's presence and shares a conversation about him. Later, at his mother's house, Caden expresses gratitude to Tammy while grappling with his discomfort and thoughts about Hazel, who is out with someone named Sammy. This revelation prompts Caden to consider confronting Sammy. The scene ends with Caden excusing himself to the bathroom, reminding himself to take his phone.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Introspective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Caden's emotional turmoil and explores his relationships with Tammy and Hazel, providing depth and insight into his character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Caden's emotional state and relationships through intimate conversations and reflections is well-executed, adding depth to the character development.

Plot: 8

The scene contributes to the overall plot by delving into Caden's emotional journey and relationships, providing important insights into his character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the familiar theme of grief and loss, focusing on the protagonist's internal and external struggles in a unique and authentic way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene effectively develops Caden's character through his interactions with Tammy and reflections on Hazel, showcasing his emotional depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 7

Caden undergoes subtle emotional changes as he reflects on his relationships and processes his mother's death, adding depth to his character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his emotions and grief surrounding his mother's death. It reflects his deeper need for comfort and understanding in a time of loss.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to interact with Tammy and navigate social dynamics during the funeral and afterwards. It reflects the immediate circumstances of mourning and social interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Caden's emotional turmoil and reflections on his relationships, contributing to the character development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, adding depth to the protagonist's journey.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on Caden's internal struggles and relational dynamics, adding depth to the character development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing important insights into Caden's emotional state and relationships, contributing to the overall narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between the protagonist's internal emotions and the external social interactions. This challenges his beliefs about grief, relationships, and communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through Caden's introspective reflections and interactions with Tammy, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue between Caden and Tammy reveals emotional nuances and relational dynamics, adding depth to the scene and character interactions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it delves into the protagonist's emotional journey and the complexities of grief and social interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and tension to build, enhancing the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the somber atmosphere of a funeral, which is a significant moment for Caden. However, the dialogue feels somewhat disjointed and lacks emotional depth. Caden's interactions with Tammy could benefit from more poignant reflections on his mother's death, rather than focusing on trivial details like his father's appearance.
  • Caden's line about his father looking dead is darkly humorous but may come off as insensitive given the context. This could alienate the audience from Caden's character, making it harder for them to empathize with his grief. Balancing humor with the gravity of the situation is crucial.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Tammy feels overly expository at times, particularly when discussing Hazel. Instead of directly stating that Tammy plays Hazel, consider using subtext or actions to convey this relationship. This would create a more organic flow to the conversation.
  • Caden's calm reaction to the news about Hazel going to dinner with Sammy feels inconsistent with the emotional weight of the scene. Given the recent trauma of his mother's death and the home invasion, a more visceral reaction would enhance the authenticity of his character's emotional state.
  • The transition from the cemetery to the house is abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the two settings, allowing the audience to process the shift in tone and location more smoothly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes Caden's internal struggle with his mother's death before transitioning to the house. This could help ground the audience in the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to include more emotional resonance. For example, Caden could share a memory or a feeling about his mother that reveals his grief, rather than focusing on his father's appearance.
  • Instead of having Tammy directly state that she plays Hazel, show her actions or demeanor that reflect this connection. This could create a more layered interaction between the characters.
  • Explore Caden's emotional response to Hazel's dinner with Sammy more deeply. Perhaps he could express a moment of vulnerability or jealousy that aligns with the gravity of the situation, making his character more relatable.
  • Revise the humor in Caden's dialogue to ensure it aligns with the tone of the scene. If humor is used, it should feel natural and not detract from the overall emotional impact of the funeral.



Scene 47 -  Echoes of Loss
155 EXT. CADEN'S MOTHER'S BACK DECK - 2032 - DAY 155

Caden talks on his cell.

CADEN
Hey. What you up to?

INTERCUT WITH:
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 97.


A156 INT. HAZEL'S CAR - 2032 - SAME A156

Hazel's driving while talking on her cell.

HAZEL'S VOICE
In my car. Heading to dinner with
Sammy.

CADEN
Why didn't you tell me that before?

HAZEL
Caden. I don't want to say things
that are going to make you sad.

CADEN
It mostly makes me sad that it
doesn't make you sad.

HAZEL
You want me to be sad that
someone's taking me out to dinner?
I don't know how to do that.

CADEN
I want you to be sad that we had
something really special and it's
going away!

HAZEL
It just happened, Caden. I didn't
plan it. You were with Claire.
This probably isn't going to go
anywhere, sweetie. I'm still your
girl.

CADEN HAZEL'S VOICE
Oh, Haze. C'mon. It's just dinner. He's got
stories! It just seems fun.

CADEN
He has stories about me!

HAZEL
Caden, I know everything about you
and it's all adorable. I love you
and I always will. So don't worry.
I gotta go, I'm there.

Hazel hangs up. Caden stands there for a minute.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 98.


156 INT. CADEN'S MOTHER'S KITCHEN - 2032 - NIGHT 156

The house has emptied out. Caden and Tammy straighten.

CADEN
Did you always want to be an
actress?

TAMMY
Every girl wants to be an actress.

CADEN
Is that true?

TAMMY
I did. So I figure everyone does.

157 INT. CADEN'S MOTHER'S BEDROOM - 2032 - LATER 157

Looks like there's been a horrible struggle. The bed is
covered with blood. Caden and Tammy stare at it.

CADEN
I thought someone would've cleaned
it up.

TAMMY
Who?

CADEN
I don't know! Someone.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden struggles with feelings of jealousy and sadness during a phone call with Hazel, who is casually going to dinner with another man, Sammy. Despite Hazel's reassurances of her love, Caden feels abandoned and conflicted. The scene shifts to a lighter moment with Tammy discussing acting aspirations, but it takes a dark turn as Caden and Tammy discover a bloodied bed, hinting at a violent struggle.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a sense of sadness, regret, and longing through the interactions between Caden and Hazel, creating a poignant and emotionally resonant moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring unresolved emotions and unspoken grief between Caden and Hazel is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the focus on character emotions and relationships adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on relationships and communication, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed and their emotional complexity shines through in their interactions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Caden and Hazel experience emotional shifts in the scene, reflecting on their past relationship and current struggles, leading to a deeper understanding of their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to express his feelings of sadness and loss to Hazel, hoping she will reciprocate those emotions.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to understand Hazel's perspective on her dinner plans with Sammy and to express his concerns about their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the unresolved feelings between Caden and Hazel rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and perspectives creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and unresolved feelings rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly move the plot forward, it delves into the emotional depth of the characters, providing important insights into their motivations and relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the emotional dynamics between the characters and the uncertainty of their relationship.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Caden's desire for emotional connection and Hazel's more casual approach to their relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and longing in the audience through the heartfelt performances and poignant dialogue.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and unspoken feelings between Caden and Hazel, enhancing the poignant atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional conflict and relatable character interactions that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing its impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for character dialogue and scene descriptions, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for character interactions and emotional development, fitting the genre expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil regarding Hazel's new relationship with Sammy, showcasing his vulnerability and jealousy. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. Caden's lines are direct, which can sometimes lessen the impact of his feelings. Adding layers to their conversation could enhance the tension and complexity of their relationship.
  • The transition from the phone call to the kitchen scene feels abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose Caden's emotional state with the mundane task of cleaning, the shift lacks a clear emotional or narrative connection. A smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection from Caden could help bridge these two scenes more effectively.
  • Tammy's character is introduced in this scene, but her role feels somewhat underdeveloped. While she provides a supportive presence, her dialogue lacks depth and could be expanded to reveal more about her aspirations and relationship with Caden. This would not only enrich her character but also provide a contrast to Caden's emotional struggles.
  • The visual imagery of the bloody bed in the final part of the scene is striking and serves as a powerful metaphor for Caden's internal chaos. However, the scene could benefit from a more gradual build-up to this moment. Foreshadowing or hints of the struggle could create a more impactful reveal, enhancing the shock value and emotional resonance.
  • Caden's emotional arc in this scene is compelling, but it could be strengthened by incorporating more physicality or visual cues that reflect his internal state. For instance, showing him pacing, fidgeting, or displaying other nervous habits during the phone call could visually communicate his anxiety and frustration.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing characters to express their feelings indirectly. This can create a richer emotional landscape and engage the audience more deeply.
  • Introduce a smoother transition between the phone call and the kitchen scene. Perhaps include a moment where Caden reflects on the conversation before moving to the next setting, enhancing the emotional continuity.
  • Develop Tammy's character further by giving her more lines that reveal her aspirations and thoughts on Caden's situation. This can create a more dynamic interaction and provide a contrast to Caden's emotional state.
  • Add foreshadowing elements leading up to the bloody bed reveal. Subtle hints or visual cues earlier in the scene could build tension and make the reveal more impactful.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or visual cues from Caden during the phone call to reflect his emotional turmoil. This can help the audience connect with his internal struggle on a deeper level.



Scene 48 -  Awkward Connections
158 INT. CADEN'S CHILDHOOD ROOM - 2032 - LATER 158

It's a kid's room. Caden and Tammy stand there.

CADEN
This is my room. You can sleep
here.

TAMMY
Where will you sleep?

CADEN
The living room couch.

TAMMY
Don't you want to sleep with me?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 99.
158 CONTINUED: 158

CADEN TAMMY
Um... It's just sex.

CADEN
Okay. If you think it's okay.

Tammy laughs, matter-of-factly gets undressed in front of
Caden. He just stands there uncomfortably.

CADEN (CONT'D)
How can you be like that?

TAMMY
I get undressed every day.

CADEN
In front of someone is different.

TAMMY
I don't see why.

CADEN
Maybe because you have a beautiful
body. Maybe that makes it easier.

TAMMY
I suppose it might. Do you want to
fuck?

CADEN
I do. Yes. Um. Do you?

TAMMY
It'd be fine.

Caden starts to cry.

CADEN
I'm sorry. I'm very lonely. I
don't know what's wrong. I just --
I'm sorry. Can you understand? Do
you understand loneliness?

TAMMY
Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel
okay mostly. Fucking might help.

CADEN
I'm sorry.

TAMMY
It's okay. I don't mind. Take
your clothes off.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 99A.
158 CONTINUED: (2) 158

CADEN
You're very pretty.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 100.
158 CONTINUED: (3) 158

TAMMY
Thanks.

CADEN
Sometimes I wish I were pretty like
that.

TAMMY
You wish you were a chick?

CADEN
(long pause)
Sometimes I think I might've been
better at it.

TAMMY
Interesting. It's kind of a drag
in a lot of ways. You like guys?

CADEN
No. No. I like women. I only
like women.

TAMMY
Well, I'm getting cold.

She climbs into bed.

TAMMY (CONT'D)
Take off your clothes.

Caden does, awkwardly and shyly. He then stands there naked.
Tammy smiles sweetly at him.

TAMMY (CONT'D)
Pretty Caden.

CADEN
Thanks. Thank you for saying that.

TAMMY
Come to bed, Pretty Caden.

Caden turns off the lights and climbs into the twin bed with
Tammy. She looks at his face, then kisses him.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In Caden's childhood room, he offers Tammy a place to sleep while he plans to take the couch. As they discuss their feelings of loneliness and attraction, Caden feels both uncomfortable and drawn to Tammy, who undresses confidently in front of him. Despite his emotional vulnerability, they share a moment of intimacy, culminating in Caden joining Tammy in bed after expressing his desire for connection.
Strengths
  • Raw emotional depth
  • Intimate character exploration
  • Vulnerability and authenticity in dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Focus on internal struggles over plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, delving deep into the characters' vulnerabilities and desires. The raw and intimate interaction between Caden and Tammy is compelling and evocative, drawing the audience into their emotional journey.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring loneliness, vulnerability, and intimacy through the interaction between Caden and Tammy is well-executed. The scene effectively delves into the characters' inner struggles and desires, creating a poignant and emotionally resonant moment.

Plot: 8

While the scene focuses more on character exploration and emotional depth than plot progression, it serves as a pivotal moment in Caden's emotional journey. The interaction between Caden and Tammy reveals important insights into Caden's character and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of loneliness, identity, and vulnerability in a unique and honest way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters of Caden and Tammy are richly developed in this scene, showcasing their vulnerabilities, desires, and emotional complexities. The raw and authentic portrayal of their inner struggles adds depth and authenticity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases a significant emotional change in Caden, as he opens up about his loneliness and vulnerabilities to Tammy. This moment of intimacy and connection marks a pivotal shift in Caden's emotional journey.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with someone emotionally and alleviate his loneliness. This reflects his deeper need for companionship and understanding.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to engage in a sexual encounter with Tammy. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their interaction and the physical attraction between them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the primary focus is on the internal struggles and vulnerabilities of the characters rather than external conflicts. The conflict arises from Caden's loneliness and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the characters facing internal conflicts and emotional barriers that add complexity to their interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on Caden's loneliness, vulnerability, and desire for connection. While the emotional stakes are high for the characters, there are no immediate external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional depth than plot progression, it sets the stage for future developments in Caden's emotional journey. The intimate interaction between Caden and Tammy reveals important insights into Caden's character.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it explores complex emotions and desires in a raw and honest way, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with his own identity and desires. This challenges his beliefs about himself and his place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' vulnerabilities and desires. The raw and intimate interaction between Caden and Tammy evokes a strong emotional response, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and vulnerabilities. The raw and honest conversations between Caden and Tammy add depth and authenticity to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, creating a sense of intimacy and vulnerability that draws the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, leading to a moment of connection and vulnerability between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise dialogue and descriptive elements that enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, leading to a moment of emotional vulnerability and connection between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the awkwardness and vulnerability of Caden as he navigates his loneliness and desire for connection. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly in Caden's expressions of loneliness and his emotional state. This could be more subtly conveyed through actions or non-verbal cues rather than explicit dialogue.
  • Tammy's character comes across as confident and matter-of-fact, which contrasts sharply with Caden's emotional turmoil. While this dynamic is interesting, it may benefit from deeper exploration of Tammy's motivations and feelings. Why is she so casual about undressing and sex? Adding layers to her character could enhance the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The transition from casual conversation to intimacy happens quite abruptly, which may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A more gradual build-up to the intimate moment could create a stronger emotional impact.
  • Caden's self-deprecating comments about his appearance and his longing to be 'pretty' could be expanded to explore themes of self-worth and identity more deeply. This could resonate with audiences who struggle with similar feelings, making Caden's character more relatable.
  • The use of the setting—a childhood room—adds a layer of nostalgia and complexity to the scene. However, this could be further emphasized through visual descriptions or Caden's reflections on his past, enhancing the emotional weight of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue. Instead of Caden explicitly stating his loneliness, show it through his actions, such as hesitating before speaking or avoiding eye contact.
  • Develop Tammy's character further by providing hints about her own vulnerabilities or insecurities. This could create a more balanced dynamic between her confidence and Caden's fragility.
  • Introduce a gradual build-up to the intimate moment. Perhaps include more playful banter or shared memories that lead to a natural progression towards intimacy, allowing the audience to feel the tension build.
  • Explore Caden's feelings about his appearance and identity more deeply. This could involve flashbacks or internal monologues that reveal his struggles with self-image, making his character arc more compelling.
  • Enhance the setting's emotional resonance by incorporating specific details about the childhood room that reflect Caden's past, such as toys or posters that evoke memories, thereby enriching the scene's atmosphere.



Scene 49 -  Attraction and Tension
159 INT. CADEN'S CAR - 2032 - MORNING 159

A residential street in Schenectady. Caden drives and Tammy
sits in the front passenger seat.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 101.
159 CONTINUED: 159

TAMMY
What is attractive? How are
attractive people treated, how do
they feel? How do unattractive
people feel, how are they treated?
How do attractive people feel about
unattractive people, how do
unattractive people feel about
attractive people? How do
unattractive people feel about
other unattractive people? How do
attractive people feel about other
attractive people? How do
unattractive men feel about
unattractive women? How do
unattractive men feel about
attractive women? How do
attractive men feel about
unattractive women? How do
attractive women feel about
unattractive men? How do old
people feel about attractive
people? How do attractive people
feel about old people? This is my
study.

Caden slows down.

CADEN
That's Hazel's house.

Caden points to the house with smoke seeping out the windows.

TAMMY
Huh. Do you think we should have a
Hazel's house on the set for me?

CADEN
Um...

TAMMY
It would be verisimilitudinous.

CADEN
Yeah. I don't know. I have to
speak to the fire marshal.

TAMMY
It would be very verisimilitudinous
if you could.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 102.


160 EXT. HIGHWAY (INT. WAREHOUSE) - 2032 - DAY 160

Hazel drives a golf cart along a fake highway. Caden and
Tammy sit in back. Hazel eyes them in the rearview mirror.
They seem cozy. Hazel scowls. Technicians are on the side
of the road putting in plants and trees.

CADEN
I think both of you Hazels are
going to like this. Turn off here.

Hazel rolls her eyes, drives down an exit ramp.

161 EXT. BURNING HOUSE STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - DAY 161

Hazel drives the golf cart down the street in a state of near
completion. She stops in front of a replica of her house.

CADEN
Hank! Okay!

The house begins to smoke.

TAMMY
My house!

Tammy kisses Caden on the cheek and runs into the house.

HAZEL
Is there no end to your pussy
kissing?

CADEN
It's verisimilitudinous. I'm
thinking of that as a title.

HAZEL
Whatever. I've got work to do.
Tell your girlfriend to get out
here if she wants a ride back.

CADEN
She's not my girlfriend.

HAZEL
Give it a rest, Caden. I can smell
her on your breath.

CADEN
(beat)
Tammy! We have to get back.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 103.


162 INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - DAY 162

Sammy walks down the hall followed by Tammy. He stops at
various doorways and listens to conversations or other noises
within the apartments. They are followed by Caden and Hazel.

SAMMY
Jeremy is playing to us. Tell him
he simply needs to talk to Donna.
We'll hear what we hear.

Tammy takes down the note.

CADEN
Sammy's explaining too much. Feels
expository. Needs to be shorthand,
like, "Jeremy big."

Hazel writes that down. They all continue down the hall.

TAMMY
Caden? Can we stop for a second?

CADEN
Sure.

TAMMY
If Hazel's in love with Sammy and
Caden's in love with Hazel, there
would be a dramatic confrontation,
where Caden turns to me and says,
"It's obvious he's a substitute for
me." I think then Hazel could have
a good moment where she cries or
gets angry. I'm not sure which
yet, but it feels dramatically
sound.

HAZEL
That didn't happen, Caden.

TAMMY
I think Hazel would do that, Hazel.

HAZEL
But Hazel hasn't done it, Tammy.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 104.
162 CONTINUED: 162

TAMMY CADEN
Caden? What do you think? I think we could try it.

TAMMY HAZEL
Great! Fuck. I'm going out for a
smoke.

They watch her go. Caden turns back to the others.

CADEN
Let's try it. Maybe it could
happen at the director's table.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden drives Tammy through a residential street in Schenectady, sparking a discussion about attractiveness and perceptions. They encounter a smoking house belonging to Hazel, leading to a conversation about set design. As they arrive at a warehouse set, Tammy expresses excitement about her character's house, while Hazel shows jealousy towards Tammy's affection for Caden. The scene shifts to an apartment hallway where the group debates how to portray a character's emotions in the script. Tammy suggests a dramatic confrontation, but Hazel dismisses it, creating tension. The scene concludes with Hazel walking away for a smoke, leaving unresolved conflicts among the group.
Strengths
  • Complex character relationships
  • Tense emotional dynamics
  • Intriguing exploration of jealousy and love
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be further developed for impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively delves into the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a tense confrontation, showcasing the complexities of their relationships. However, some elements could be further developed to enhance the impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring jealousy, love, and verisimilitude in storytelling is intriguing and adds depth to the scene. The focus on character relationships and emotional turmoil is well executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene revolves around setting up a confrontation and exploring the emotional dynamics between the characters. It moves the story forward by deepening the conflicts and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on relationships, attractiveness, and authenticity in art, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions. The scene allows for character growth and reveals layers of their personalities through the tense interactions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and confrontations that reveal new aspects of their personalities. The scene sets the stage for character growth and development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Tammy's internal goal is to understand relationships, attractiveness, and emotions, reflecting her deeper need for connection and validation.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to navigate the challenges of filmmaking and maintain a sense of realism in his work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high between the characters. The emotional stakes are raised, leading to a dramatic confrontation that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting character goals and tensions that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with emotions running high and relationships on the line. The confrontation between the characters has significant consequences for their future interactions and personal growth.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflicts and relationships between the characters. It sets up future developments and confrontations, driving the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character dynamics and philosophical conflicts that arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the nature of relationships, attractiveness, and authenticity in art, challenging the characters' beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, anxiety, and conflict in the characters. The audience is drawn into the complex relationships and emotional turmoil of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts between the characters, adding depth to their interactions. It sets the tone for the confrontation and reveals the inner thoughts of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, tense atmosphere, and introspective character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and introspection to maintain tension and engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Caden, Tammy, and Hazel, showcasing the complexities of their relationships. However, the dialogue can feel overly expository at times, particularly in Tammy's monologue about attractiveness. While it sets up an interesting thematic exploration, it risks losing the audience's engagement due to its length and repetitiveness.
  • Caden's character is portrayed as passive and reactive, which can make him less compelling in this scene. His responses to Tammy and Hazel could be more dynamic to reflect his internal conflict and emotional state, especially given the recent events in his life.
  • The transition from the car to the warehouse set feels abrupt. While it serves to move the plot forward, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a brief exchange that ties the two locations together thematically.
  • Hazel's character comes off as somewhat antagonistic, which could alienate the audience from her. Providing more depth to her motivations and feelings towards Caden and Tammy could create a more nuanced portrayal, making her actions more relatable.
  • The scene's pacing could benefit from a more varied rhythm. The dialogue-heavy sections may slow down the momentum, so interspersing action or visual elements could help maintain engagement. For instance, showing Caden's reactions or internal thoughts visually could enhance the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider condensing Tammy's monologue about attractiveness to focus on the most impactful questions. This will keep the audience engaged while still conveying the thematic exploration of perception and relationships.
  • Give Caden more agency in the scene. Allow him to express his feelings more openly, perhaps by challenging Tammy's views or confronting Hazel directly about her behavior. This will create a more active character arc.
  • Introduce a smoother transition between the car and the warehouse set. Perhaps include a moment where Caden reflects on his feelings about Hazel while driving, which could lead into the next scene more naturally.
  • Add layers to Hazel's character by including a moment where she reveals her own insecurities or motivations. This could create empathy for her character and deepen the conflict between her, Caden, and Tammy.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements to break up the dialogue. For example, show Caden's body language or facial expressions in response to Tammy and Hazel's comments, which can convey his emotional state without relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 50 -  Unresolved Connections
163 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - DAY 163

Caden and Hazel sit at the director's table. The street life
of the play is going on around them.

CADEN
Tammy was right. I don't
understand why you're with Sammy.

HAZEL
He's nice. He's available. He
fucks me without crying.

CADEN
That happened one time! You fucked
him?

HAZEL
Yes! And you and I only fucked one
time that's why you only cried one
time! I give you endless
opportunities.

CADEN
What do you mean, he's available?
Since when are you available?

HAZEL
Derek left. Because of you!

CADEN
When? How come you never told me?

HAZEL
I don't know, Caden. How come a
lot of things? It's not like we
can start fresh, like Sammy and I
can. There's all this pressure on
us. We're finally both free and
there's all this fucking pressure.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 104A.
163 CONTINUED: 163

CADEN
Fuck. I have to let the actor who
plays Derek go. What is his name?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 105.
163 CONTINUED: (2) 163

HAZEL
That's such a romantic response.
I'm touched.

CADEN
It's not my response. It just
crossed my mind. We have enormous
budgetary concerns here.

HAZEL
Ugh. Forget it.
(looking in book)
Derek is played by Joe --

CADEN HAZEL
Stop, okay. Just stop. I don't like Tammy and she's
nothing like me. How can you
like her? Joe Abernathy.

CADEN
She looks like you. And --

HAZEL CADEN
No she does not. -- and she offered to have
sex with me. Abernathy?

HAZEL
Yes. Was it good?

CADEN
I don't know. Yeah. It was nice.

HAZEL CADEN
Ugh. I'm just trying to be honest.
It was nice. Not earth-
shattering.

HAZEL
Did you cry?

CADEN
No!

HAZEL
You're making progress.

CADEN
Okay, I cried a little before.
(long pause)
Hazel, you've been part of me
forever. Don't you know that? I
breathe your name in every
exhalation.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 106.
163 CONTINUED: (3) 163

HAZEL
(stops)
Oh, Caden. Oh, fuck. What the
fuck are we doing?

CADEN
I don't know.

Hazel latches her pinky around Caden's. Sammy has been
watching the whole thing from behind a pillar. Caden glances
at his watch.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Crap, Ellen's October 23rd scene!

164 INT. ELEVATOR (31Y BUILDING) (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - 164
DAY

Millicent, Hazel, and Caden wait in the elevator. The
elevator begins to ascend. Instead of a motor, the sound of
grunting men is heard. The elevator stops short and sways a
little bit.

WORKER (O.S.)
Sorry, everybody!

Caden pulls off a wall panel, and sticks his head through.

A165 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT (31Y BUILDING) (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - A165
2032 - SAME

Caden looks down the shaft. Five guys hold the elevator with
a rope and pulley system.

CADEN
What's going on, Maurice?

MAURICE
Sorry. We have a couple of new guys
on and we're not in sync yet.

CADEN
Okay. Are we good to go?

MAURICE
Yup.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Caden and Hazel engage in a tense conversation at a director's table, reflecting on their complicated past and Hazel's current relationship with Sammy. Caden expresses confusion over Hazel's choice, while Hazel confronts him about their history. As they share a moment of intimacy by linking pinkies, Sammy watches from a distance, heightening the tension. The scene concludes with Caden realizing they must prepare for the next act, leaving their emotional connection unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension in relationships
  • Impactful dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys the emotional complexity and tension between the characters, drawing the audience into their conflicted feelings and regrets. The dialogue is impactful and reveals the depth of their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the strained relationship between Caden and Hazel, along with their emotional turmoil and regrets, is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the complexity of their feelings and the pressure they are under.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the emotional interaction between Caden and Hazel, revealing their inner conflicts and regrets. The scene adds depth to their characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and authentic take on relationship dynamics, with realistic dialogue and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Caden and Hazel are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their emotional depth, conflicts, and regrets. The dialogue and interactions between them reveal layers of their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Both Caden and Hazel experience emotional changes in the scene, revealing their inner conflicts, regrets, and the pressure they feel in their relationship. The interaction between them leads to introspection and emotional growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal is to understand his complicated relationship with Hazel and come to terms with his feelings for her.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to manage the budgetary concerns of the production he is working on.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a high level of emotional conflict between Caden and Hazel, as they navigate their strained relationship, regrets, and the pressure they feel. The tension and emotional turmoil drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and tension to the characters' relationships, creating uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Caden and Hazel confront their strained relationship, regrets, and the pressure they feel. The emotional intensity and conflicts raise the stakes for their future interactions and decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship dynamics between Caden and Hazel, setting the stage for future developments. Their emotional turmoil and conflicts add complexity to the narrative, driving the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional revelations and interactions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of starting fresh in relationships and the pressure that comes with it, contrasting with the complexities of existing relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, conflict, and regret in the audience. The intense interactions between Caden and Hazel resonate emotionally, drawing the audience into their complex relationship dynamics.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil and tension between Caden and Hazel. Their conversations reveal their inner conflicts and regrets, adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters and the realistic portrayal of relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for emotional moments to resonate and build tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The dialogue effectively captures the tension and emotional complexity between Caden and Hazel, showcasing their unresolved feelings and the impact of their past relationship. However, the rapid back-and-forth can feel overwhelming at times, making it difficult for the audience to fully absorb the emotional weight of their exchanges.
  • Caden's line about letting the actor who plays Derek go feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the emotional core of the scene. It might benefit from a smoother transition or a more explicit connection to his feelings about Hazel and their past.
  • Hazel's criticism of Caden's relationship with Tammy is a strong moment, but it could be enhanced by providing more context about why she feels so strongly. This would deepen her character and clarify her motivations, making her reactions more relatable.
  • The moment where Hazel latches her pinky around Caden's is a poignant visual cue of their connection, but it could be more impactful if it were preceded by a moment of silence or reflection, allowing the audience to feel the weight of that gesture.
  • The scene ends with a sense of urgency as Caden realizes they need to prepare for a scene, which is effective in creating tension. However, it might be beneficial to include a brief moment of silence or a lingering look between Caden and Hazel before this realization, emphasizing the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider slowing down the dialogue in certain moments to allow the audience to digest the emotional implications of what is being said. This could involve adding pauses or reflective moments between lines.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by providing more context for Hazel's feelings about Caden's relationship with Tammy. This could be done through a brief flashback or a more detailed explanation of her past with Caden.
  • Strengthen the visual symbolism of the pinky latch by incorporating a moment of silence or a shared look before it happens, allowing the audience to feel the significance of the gesture.
  • Revisit the line about letting the actor go and ensure it flows naturally from the emotional conversation. Perhaps Caden could express a more personal concern about the actor's portrayal of Derek, linking it back to his feelings for Hazel.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection after the pinky latch before Caden realizes they need to prepare for the scene. This could heighten the emotional impact of their connection and the urgency of the situation.



Scene 51 -  The Key Confusion
B165 INT. ELEVATOR (31Y BUILDING) (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - B165
SAME

Caden replaces the panel. The elevator continues its ascent
to the sound of grunting men.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 107.



C165 OMITTED C165

INT. 31ST FLOOR HALLWAY (31Y BUILDING) (INT. WAREHOUSE SET)
- 2032 - CONTINUOUS

The elevator doors close. Millicent, Old Person, Caden, and
Hazel walk down the hall. Old Person knocks on a door, which
is opened by Old Person #2 (actor version).

OLD PERSON #2 (ACTOR)
(to Millicent)
Are you Ellen? Ellen?!

MILLICENT
Shit. Line, please.

HAZEL
“What?”

MILLICENT
Right. What?

OLD PERSON #2
Are you Ellen Bascomb? I'm to give
the key to 31Y to Ellen Bascomb.

MILLICENT
(beat)
Yes, I'm Ellen.

Old Person #2 fishes a key out of the overcoat pocket.

OLD PERSON #2
She said you should just go in and
get started. She said, don't
forget to change the sheets.

MILLICENT
Ok. Thank you.

Old Person #2 looks back to Old Person #1, whose nose has
started to bleed.

OLD PERSON #2
Oh dear.

Millicent puts the key in the lock. It doesn’t turn.

MILLICENT
Wrong key.

OLD PERSON #2
What?


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 107A.
CONTINUED:

MILLICENT
It’s the wrong key. It doesn’t
turn.

OLD PERSON #2
(fishes in pockets)
It’s the one they gave me.

ADELE’S VOICE
I’m jumping in the shower. Make
some coffee, would ya?

CADEN
(to Hazel)
Did you hear that?

HAZEL CADEN
What? Did we hire an Adele?

HAZEL
I’m sure I would’ve remembered
that. No.

The shower turns on. Caden grabs the key from Millicent.

MILLICENT
Caden, you’re breaking the fourth
wall. I get to open the door.

He tries to turn the key in the lock. It won’t budge.

CADEN
This is the wrong key, Sandy.

OLD PERSON #2
It isn’t.

Caden bangs on the door.

CADEN
Adele! Adele, are you in there?

OLD PERSON #1
Maybe it’s the wrong key.

CADEN
Adele?

HAZEL
Caden, there's no one in there.
You've got to let go of her. She's
not here anymore. I'm here.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 107B.
CONTINUED: (2)

CADEN
Yeah, okay. Can we just get the
right key, so we can do the scene?
Please, somebody?

HAZEL
Yeah, we'll get the right key.


165 OMITTED 165
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 108.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Psychological"]

Summary In a hallway on the 31st floor, Millicent, claiming to be Ellen Bascomb, receives a key from Old Person #2, but it fails to unlock the door, leading to confusion. Caden calls out to Adele from inside the room, but Hazel insists she is no longer there. The scene is filled with frustration as they search for the correct key, highlighting the chaotic atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Effective execution of confusion and unease
  • Intriguing concept of the wrong key
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character interactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-structured, with a strong focus on building tension and mystery through the key situation. The execution is solid, effectively conveying the confusion and unease of the characters. The concept of the wrong key and the presence of an absent character add depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the wrong key and the mysterious absence of Adele add intrigue and depth to the scene, setting up further developments in the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the key mix-up and the characters' interactions, adding layers of mystery and tension to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the rehearsal process, blending humor with the challenges of production. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the key situation reveal their personalities and relationships, contributing to the overall tension and confusion of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a shift in their understanding of the situation, particularly Caden's realization that Adele is not present.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to successfully complete the scene rehearsal without any hiccups. This reflects their desire for professionalism and competence in their work.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to open the door with the correct key and continue with the scene rehearsal. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the mystery of the wrong key and the absence of Adele.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the wrong key and missing character, adds conflict and uncertainty to the characters' goals.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters grapple with the mystery of the wrong key and the absence of Adele, adding tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and deepening the characters' relationships and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges the characters face, such as the wrong key and the missing character.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire to complete the scene and the obstacles they face, such as the wrong key. This challenges their beliefs about professionalism and adaptability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity, engaging the audience emotionally through the characters' reactions to the key mix-up.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' confusion and unease, adding to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, comedic moments, and the relatable struggle of the characters to open the door.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay writing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic screenplay, with clear character interactions and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and humorous nature of the characters' interactions, particularly with the mix-up regarding the key. However, the humor sometimes feels forced, especially with the repeated insistence on the wrong key. This could be streamlined to maintain the comedic tone without dragging it out.
  • Caden's emotional turmoil regarding Adele is palpable, but the dialogue could benefit from more subtext. Instead of directly stating his feelings, consider allowing Caden to express his longing through more nuanced actions or reactions, which would enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The introduction of the Old Person characters adds a layer of absurdity, but their purpose in the scene could be clearer. Are they meant to serve as comic relief, or do they have a deeper significance? Clarifying their role could strengthen the overall narrative.
  • Hazel's dialogue serves to ground Caden's emotional state, but her responses could be more varied to reflect her own feelings about the situation. This would create a more dynamic interaction between the two characters, showcasing their complex relationship.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat unresolved note, which can be effective, but it may leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. Consider providing a stronger emotional or narrative hook at the end to encourage viewers to invest in the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue regarding the key to maintain comedic pacing. Perhaps have Caden express frustration in a more concise manner, allowing the humor to arise naturally from the situation rather than through repetition.
  • Incorporate more subtext in Caden's dialogue to convey his emotional state. For example, instead of directly asking if Adele is in the room, he could express concern or nostalgia in a way that hints at his feelings without stating them outright.
  • Clarify the purpose of the Old Person characters. If they are meant to provide comic relief, consider giving them a more distinct personality or catchphrase that enhances their role in the scene.
  • Enhance Hazel's character by allowing her to express her own feelings about Caden's fixation on Adele. This could create a more balanced dynamic and deepen their relationship.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional beat or a cliffhanger that propels the narrative forward, such as a sudden realization from Caden or a surprising action from Hazel that leaves the audience wanting more.



Scene 52 -  A Leap of Despair
166 EXT. HOTEL STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2032 - DAY 166

Caden and Hazel walk past the set of the hotel she had stayed *
at with her family. *

CADEN *
Look familiar? *

HAZEL *
Oh my God! It's an exact replica of *
the Tethered Maiden Terrace! Derek *
and the kids and I had so much fun *
on that trip! *

CADEN *
Listen, I built this because I *
wanted to show you what happened -- *

SAMMY *
(calling) *
After me, Caden, there's no one *
left to watch you. *

They look up. Sammy stands on the ledge above them. *

HAZEL SAMMY
(running off) There's nothing to talk
Oh fuck! Sammy, Just stay about, Hazel! This is not
right where you are! I'm your fault! *
coming up!

CADEN *
No fair, Sammy! She wouldn't see *
you jump. She never saw me! You're *
not being authentic. *

SAMMY *
This is where we part ways. This is *
authentic. This is what the real *
Caden would do. This is what real *
love looks like. *


Sammy leaps. The actors below scatter. Sammy hits hard, *
breaks through the fake cement, and is dead. Blood *
everywhere. *

167 EXT. NYC CEMETERY - 2032 - DAY 167

Sammy is buried. An enormous crowd there: all the actors
from the play, Caden and Hazel in front. Hazel weeps. Caden
looks at the assembled group, from face to face.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 109.
167 CONTINUED: 167

CADEN
I know how to do it now. There are
nearly thirteen million people in
the world. Try to imagine that many
people! None of those people is an
extra. They're all the leads of
their own stories. They have to be
given their due.

168 INT. WAREHOUSE - CEMETERY SET - 2035 - DAY 168

The actor playing Sammy is in the coffin. There's an
enormous crowd. Tammy plays Hazel and weeps. A stand-in for
Sammy as Caden stands next to her. Caden and Hazel watch
from the director's table.

CADEN
Do you see what I'm saying?

Hazel has her head in her hands. She looks over at Caden,
imploringly.

HAZEL
Come over tonight? Please?

169 OMITTED 169
Genres: ["Drama","Tragedy"]

Summary Caden and Hazel stroll past a replica of a hotel, triggering nostalgic memories, when Sammy, perched on a ledge, declares his intention to jump as an act of love. Despite Hazel's desperate pleas, he leaps to his death, resulting in a gruesome scene. The narrative shifts to a cemetery where a crowd, including Caden and Hazel, mourns Sammy. Caden reflects on the importance of recognizing individual stories. The scene concludes with a future setting where actors perform a funeral scene, and Hazel invites Caden to join her that night.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Tragic event may be too intense for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is emotionally charged and impactful, delving deep into the characters' inner turmoil and past regrets. The tragic event of Sammy's death adds a layer of intensity and sets the stage for significant character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring love, loss, and authenticity in the face of tragedy is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively conveys the complexities of human relationships and the consequences of past actions.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the tragic death of Sammy and its aftermath, driving the emotional intensity and character dynamics. It sets the stage for significant character growth and introspection.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like replicating exact replicas of places and explores themes of authenticity and love in a futuristic setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are deeply developed, each grappling with their own emotions, regrets, and relationships. Their interactions and reactions to the tragic event showcase their complexity and depth.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes in response to Sammy's death, reflecting on their past actions and relationships. This event serves as a catalyst for introspection and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to show Hazel the truth about what happened, possibly to seek closure or understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront Sammy and possibly prevent him from jumping.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their emotions, regrets, and relationships in the aftermath of Sammy's death. It adds depth and tension to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sammy's actions creating a difficult situation for the protagonist to navigate.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the tragic death of Sammy and its impact on the characters' relationships and emotions. It raises the tension and intensity of the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character dynamics, exploring key themes, and setting the stage for further development. It adds complexity and depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of Sammy's unexpected actions and the dramatic turn of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between authenticity and real love, as portrayed by Sammy's actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and loss in the audience. The tragic event of Sammy's death and the characters' reactions intensify the emotional depth of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and inner thoughts. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the overall impact of the tragic event.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotions, dramatic conflict, and unexpected events that keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of Sammy's actions and the impact on Caden and Hazel. However, the transition from the hotel set to the cemetery feels abrupt. The emotional stakes could be heightened by providing more context about Sammy's motivations and the relationship dynamics leading up to this moment.
  • Caden's dialogue about authenticity and love is poignant, but it could benefit from more specificity. Instead of general statements, consider incorporating personal anecdotes or memories that illustrate his feelings for Hazel and his complex relationship with Sammy.
  • The visual imagery of blood and chaos following Sammy's jump is striking, but it may overshadow the emotional resonance of the moment. Balancing the graphic nature of the scene with the characters' emotional responses could create a more impactful experience for the audience.
  • Hazel's reaction to Sammy's death is crucial, yet it feels somewhat underdeveloped. Expanding on her emotional turmoil and how it affects her relationship with Caden would deepen the scene's impact. Consider adding a moment where she reflects on her feelings of guilt or responsibility.
  • Caden's realization about the importance of recognizing everyone as the leads of their own stories is a powerful theme, but it could be more effectively integrated into the narrative. This idea could be foreshadowed earlier in the script, allowing for a more satisfying payoff in this scene.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief flashback or memory that illustrates Caden's past with Sammy and Hazel, providing context for Sammy's actions and heightening the emotional stakes.
  • Consider revising Caden's dialogue to include more personal anecdotes or specific references to his feelings for Hazel, making his statements about love and authenticity more relatable and impactful.
  • Balance the graphic imagery of Sammy's death with quieter moments of reflection from Caden and Hazel, allowing the audience to process the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Expand Hazel's emotional response to Sammy's death, perhaps by including a moment where she grapples with her feelings of guilt or loss, which would add depth to her character and her relationship with Caden.
  • Foreshadow the theme of recognizing everyone as the leads of their own stories earlier in the script, so that Caden's realization feels like a natural culmination of his character arc.



Scene 53 -  Embers of Regret
170 INT. BURNING HOUSE - BEDROOM - 2035 - NIGHT 170

The smoke is thick and there are flames. Hazel, in a robe,
walks around lighting candles. Caden unpacks his pumps and
monitors and places them next to the bed.

CADEN
We could get a place together. We
could get a loft.

HAZEL
God, Caden, that sounds nice. I
miss my daughter. Maybe she could
come live with us.

CADEN
Yeah. I miss Olive. And the other
one. The retarded one.

HAZEL
I'm a bad person.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 110.
170 CONTINUED: 170

CADEN HAZEL
No you're not. I'm a bad I am. I should never... have
person. gone out with Sammy. I was
just trying to get to you.

CADEN
You can't cause someone to kill
himself. He was troubled.

HAZEL
I'm so ashamed of myself.

Caden walks over to her and touches her shoulder.

HAZEL (CONT'D)
Oh, Caden. I wish we had this when
we were young. And all the years
in between. So many years, so
fast.
(crying)
What did we do?

Caden kisses Hazel's forehead. She coughs and smiles up at
him, then cranes her neck and kisses him on the lips.

CADEN
My heart aches so much for you.

HAZEL
We're here, Caden. I'm here.

CADEN
I'm aching for it being over.

HAZEL
Yeah. The end is built in to the
beginning. What can you do?

CADEN
God. You're just perfect.

HAZEL
I'm a mess. But we fit, don't we.

They kiss, then Hazel climbs into bed.

CADEN
It doesn't always happen for me
now. Because of the medication and
everything. I take a lot of pills.

HAZEL
I don't care. It's okay.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 111.
170 CONTINUED: (2) 170

CADEN
(climbing into bed)
I'm embarrassed. I just want you
to know it's not you. And it's not
me. It's the medication.

They are tender and quiet and intensely focused. The smoke
in the room is dense. When it's over, they lie there
quietly, with the occasional cough from both of them. Caden
cries quietly.

CADEN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry.

HAZEL
It's okay. It's different crying
this time. I can tell. I'm
crying, too. And I cried last
time. After you left. I never
told you. But I cried, too.

Caden kisses her again.

CADEN
I have a title. The Obscure Moon
Lighting an Obscure World.

HAZEL
I think it might be too much.

171 INT. BURNING HOUSE - KITCHEN - 2035 - MORNING 171

Caden agitatedly paces through the dense smoke. He passes a
scrapbook on the table. It's open to a page with ripped-up
napkin pieces glued to it. He's crying hard. There's
mumbling, quiet conversation coming from somewhere. He walks
into --

172 INT. BURNING HOUSE - BEDROOM - 2035 - CONTINUOUS 172

Hazel lies in bed. A medic hovers over her, swabs in her
mouth and pulls out cotton black with soot.

MEDIC
Might be smoke inhalation.

Caden just nods his head for a long time.

173 INT. CADEN'S CAR - 2041 - DAY 173

Caden drives. He stops at a school crossing as a group of
young children are led across the street in front of his car.
A young girl with red hair is among them.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 112.
173 CONTINUED: 173

She looks at Caden and he is struck by her resemblance to
young Olive. Suddenly the passenger door opens and Maria gets
in the car. He glances over at her, then looks back out the
windshield.

MARIA
Olive wants to see you. God knows
why; the way you abandoned her.

CADEN MARIA
Oh, shut up. She's had a fucked-up life
with issues, thanks to you.


CADEN MARIA
You're insane. She's dying, asshole. Is
that insane enough for you?

MARIA (CONT'D)
Anyway, she wants to say goodbye to
you. God knows the fuck why.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a burning house, Hazel and Caden confront their shared grief over their lost children. As Hazel lights candles amidst the chaos, she expresses guilt and longing, while Caden offers comfort and reveals his own struggles with medication. Their emotional connection deepens as they share tender moments, but the weight of their pain remains. The scene shifts to Caden's distress in the kitchen and a medic tending to Hazel, indicating her potential smoke inhalation, culminating in a poignant moment of vulnerability as Caden cries beside her.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate moment between characters
  • Powerful performances
Weaknesses
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly emotional and intense, delving deep into the characters' inner turmoil and regrets. The intimate moment between Caden and Hazel adds a layer of vulnerability and authenticity to their relationship, making it a powerful and memorable scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of confronting past mistakes and seeking redemption in the face of danger is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene. The setting of the burning house adds a sense of urgency and heightened emotions.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the emotional journey of the characters, particularly Caden and Hazel, as they come to terms with their past and present circumstances. The stakes are high, with the impending danger of the burning house adding tension.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and intense situation within a burning house, exploring themes of guilt, regret, and forgiveness. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and poignant, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters of Caden and Hazel are deeply explored in this scene, showcasing their vulnerabilities, regrets, and emotional connection. Their interactions feel authentic and raw, drawing the audience into their emotional turmoil.

Character Changes: 9

Both Caden and Hazel undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, confronting their pasts and seeking reconciliation. The moment of intimacy marks a turning point in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek forgiveness and acceptance for past mistakes and regrets. This reflects their deeper need for closure and emotional connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the current crisis of the burning house and ensure the safety of their loved one. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Caden and Hazel grapple with their past mistakes and the consequences of their actions. The burning house setting adds an external threat that heightens the emotional stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates and choices.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene due to the imminent danger of the burning house and the emotional turmoil faced by the characters. The outcome of their interactions has significant consequences for their relationship.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional connection between Caden and Hazel, setting the stage for further exploration of their relationship dynamics and personal growth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and character dynamics. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' complex relationships and internal conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around guilt, shame, and the search for redemption. The characters grapple with their past actions and their consequences, questioning their own morality and worthiness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and longing in the audience. The intimate moment between Caden and Hazel is particularly poignant and resonant.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. The conversations between Caden and Hazel reveal their deep-seated regrets and longing for connection.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, dynamic character interactions, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to connect with the characters' struggles and dilemmas. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the urgency and emotional intensity of the situation. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of both Caden and Hazel, showcasing their shared pain and regrets in a poignant manner. However, the dialogue sometimes feels overly expository, particularly when they discuss their feelings of guilt and shame. This could be more subtly conveyed through actions or non-verbal cues rather than direct statements.
  • The setting of a burning house serves as a powerful metaphor for their relationship and emotional state, but the urgency of the fire could be better integrated into the dialogue and actions. For instance, the characters could exhibit more physical reactions to the smoke and flames, which would heighten the tension and urgency of their conversation.
  • Caden's mention of medication and its effects on their intimacy is a significant point, but it could be explored further. The dialogue could delve deeper into how this impacts their relationship beyond just physical intimacy, perhaps touching on emotional disconnects or fears of inadequacy.
  • The transition from the intimate moment in the bedroom to the chaotic scene in the kitchen feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the emotional impact, perhaps by incorporating a moment of realization or a shared glance that acknowledges the gravity of their situation before shifting to the kitchen.
  • The medic's presence in the bedroom is a stark contrast to the intimate moment shared between Caden and Hazel. While this serves to highlight the consequences of their situation, it could be more effectively woven into the emotional fabric of the scene. Perhaps the medic could interrupt a particularly vulnerable moment, adding to the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider using more subtext in the dialogue to convey emotions without explicitly stating them. This can create a more nuanced interaction between Caden and Hazel.
  • Enhance the physicality of the scene by having Caden and Hazel react more to the smoke and flames, which would add urgency and tension to their conversation.
  • Explore the implications of Caden's medication on their relationship in a more layered way, perhaps through flashbacks or memories that illustrate their past intimacy.
  • Create a more gradual transition between the intimate moment and the chaotic kitchen scene, possibly by incorporating a shared moment of realization or a visual cue that signifies the shift in tone.
  • Integrate the medic's presence more seamlessly into the emotional arc of the scene, perhaps by having them interrupt a particularly vulnerable moment, thereby heightening the stakes.



Scene 54 -  Unforgiven Farewell
174 INT. NYC HOSPITAL ROOM - 2041 - DAY 174

Maria leads Caden into the room. Olive, 40, lies in bed,
emaciated and pale. Maria and Olive speak only in German.

MARIA OLIVE
Hello, darling. Hi.

MARIA
This is him.

OLIVE CADEN
Hello. Hi, Olive. I've missed you
so much.

OLIVE
Maria, would you leave us?

Maria kisses Olive again on the forehead.

MARIA
In heaven, my darling.

Maria exits.

OLIVE
(broken English)
Forgive me but no longer remember
English. Speak German?




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 113.
174 CONTINUED: 174

CADEN OLIVE
No. I'm sorry. I had hope you have learned.

Weakly, Olive points to a headset on her night table. She
pantomimes putting it on. Caden puts it on. Olive puts on
her own. There follows a slightly delayed and staticky
translation, in an accented male voice, of everything Olive
says, with a delay between what Caden says and Olive's
response, as she listens in translation.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I'm dying, as I'm sure Maria told
you. The flower tattoos have
become infected and they're dying.
So I am, as well. This is life.

Olive pulls down her hospital gown a bit to show Caden the
now sickly and decayed flower tattoos.

CADEN
It's Maria. She did this.

OLIVE
Maria gave me reason to live once
you left. The flowers defined me.

CADEN
Your mother and Maria took you
away. I tried for years to find
you. I didn't leave you.

OLIVE
You did something.

Caden is affected by this. It resonates.

OLIVE (CONT'D)
I want to talk to you about your
homosexuality.

CADEN
What? I'm not a homosexual!

OLIVE
Maria said you would deny it.

CADEN
She's lying to you.

OLIVE
I had the same struggle when I
first fell in love with Maria and
we began to have dirty, aching sex.


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 114.
174 CONTINUED: (2) 174

CADEN
Maria is your lover?

OLIVE
Of course. She introduced me to
myself. To my vagina and to hers.

CADEN
You have no idea how evil she is.

OLIVE
I need to forgive you before I die,
but I can't forgive someone who has
not asked for forgiveness.

CADEN
I --

OLIVE
I have no time! I need you to ask
for forgiveness!

CADEN
(long pause)
Can you ever forgive me?

OLIVE
For what?

CADEN
For abandoning you.

OLIVE
"For abandoning you to have anal
sex with my homosexual lover Eric."

CADEN
For abandoning you to be have anal
sex with my homosexual lover Eric.

OLIVE
(long hesitation)
No. No, I'm sorry, I cannot.

Olive dies. Dead flower petals slip from her hospital gown.
Caden sits there. Maria hurries rushes to Olive's side.

MARIA
I hope you're happy, faggot.

Caden gets up and leaves.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 115.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a somber hospital room, Caden confronts his past as he visits Olive, who is dying from infected flower tattoos. Their conversation, conducted in German, reveals Olive's anger over Caden's abandonment and his struggles with his sexuality. Despite his attempts to seek forgiveness, Olive cannot grant it before she passes away, leaving Caden with unresolved guilt. Maria, Olive's companion, expresses her disdain for Caden as he leaves, highlighting the emotional weight of their interactions.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revelation of past betrayals
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Language barrier may be challenging for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly impactful due to the emotional depth of the conversation between Caden and Olive, the revelation of betrayal, and the plea for forgiveness. The use of language barriers and the shocking revelations create a tense and reflective atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring themes of forgiveness, betrayal, and sexuality in a tense and emotional conversation is well-executed. The use of language barriers and shocking revelations adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense conversation between Caden and Olive, focusing on their past relationship, betrayal, and the plea for forgiveness. The scene reveals crucial information about the characters and their emotional struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and provocative situations, such as the revelation of Olive's relationship with Maria and the protagonist's struggle with his past actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters of Caden and Olive are well-developed and portrayed with emotional depth. Their complex relationship, past betrayals, and struggles with forgiveness are central to the scene and drive the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 9

Both Caden and Olive undergo emotional changes during the scene, with Olive revealing her feelings of betrayal and the struggle for forgiveness, while Caden confronts his past actions and seeks redemption. The emotional depth of the conversation leads to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness from Olive before she dies. This reflects his deeper need for closure and reconciliation with his past actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to have a conversation with Olive about their past and seek forgiveness. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing unresolved issues before Olive's death.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene arises from the revelation of betrayal, the plea for forgiveness, and the emotional struggles of the characters. The tension between Caden and Olive adds depth to the conversation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Olive challenging Caden's beliefs and forcing him to confront his past actions and sexuality.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Olive confronts Caden about past betrayals, seeks forgiveness, and faces her mortality. The emotional intensity and revelations raise the stakes for the characters and their relationships.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters' past, their emotional struggles, and the dynamics of their relationships. The conversation between Caden and Olive drives the narrative and adds depth to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions, revelations about their past, and the emotional impact of Olive's death.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, honesty, and acceptance. Olive challenges Caden's beliefs about his past actions and sexuality, leading to a clash of values and perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the intense and emotional conversation between Caden and Olive, focusing on themes of forgiveness, betrayal, and sexuality. The revelation of past betrayals and the plea for forgiveness evoke strong emotions.

Dialogue: 9.2

The dialogue in the scene is powerful, emotional, and impactful. The use of translation adds a unique element to the conversation, highlighting the language barrier between Caden and Olive and enhancing the emotional tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, dramatic conflict, and unexpected revelations that keep the audience invested in the characters' relationships and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and confrontation to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional dialogue-driven structure, focusing on the interaction between characters to drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of Caden's reunion with Olive, but the dialogue can feel overly expository at times. The characters' motivations and feelings could be conveyed more subtly through their actions and expressions rather than through direct statements.
  • The use of translation devices adds an interesting layer to the communication between Caden and Olive, but the static and delayed translation could be visually and audibly distracting. Consider simplifying this aspect to maintain the emotional flow of the scene.
  • Olive's confrontation about Caden's sexuality is a pivotal moment, but it risks overshadowing the more profound themes of abandonment and forgiveness. The dialogue could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of these themes, allowing for a deeper emotional resonance.
  • The abruptness of Olive's death feels somewhat rushed. While it serves to heighten the emotional stakes, it may leave the audience wanting more closure or reflection from Caden. A moment of silence or a brief flashback could enhance the impact of her passing.
  • Maria's final line, while impactful, could be perceived as overly harsh and may detract from the complexity of the relationships at play. A more subtle expression of her feelings could add depth to her character and the overall scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more non-verbal communication between Caden and Olive to convey their emotional states, allowing the audience to feel the weight of their reunion without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Streamline the translation aspect to avoid potential distractions. Perhaps use visual cues or body language to indicate understanding, allowing for a more fluid exchange.
  • Explore the themes of abandonment and forgiveness through metaphor or imagery rather than direct confrontation. This could create a more layered and impactful dialogue.
  • Allow for a moment of reflection after Olive's death, giving Caden a chance to process his emotions before leaving the room. This could enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Revisit Maria's final line to ensure it aligns with her character's complexity. Consider a line that reflects her own struggles or pain, adding depth to her relationship with both Caden and Olive.



Scene 55 -  Echoes of a Lost Day
175 EXT. NYC STREET - SUMMER 2045 - DAY 175

It's sweltering. Caden sits on his stoop, holding some dead
flower petals, watching the world pass by. People are sick,
angry. Some people wear gas masks. Government vehicles with
strange symbols and gun turrets drive by. A woman walks a
naked man on a leash. He defecates on the sidewalk. A wild-
eyed man in a white t-shirt and Santa hat attacks Caden. As
he knocks Caden to the ground and wrestles with him, Caden
sees the t-shirt has a little dot: a painting from Adele's
show. It's a moment in time, a street scene very much like
the one Caden's in. In the painting, a man in a white t-
shirt and Santa hat beats up a man who looks like Caden. The
flower petals blow away. Caden tries to limp after them.

176 EXT. NYC STREET - 2045 - DAY 176

Caden dials his cell phone.

HAZEL'S ANSWERING MACHINE
It's Hazel. Leave a message or
don't. Your dime.

CADEN
My love. I know how to do the
play. It'll take place over the
course of one day. The day will be
the day before you died, the
happiest day of my life. I'll be
able to relive it forever.

177 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2048 - NIGHT 177

Caden weeps inconsolably at the director's table, Michael the
pre-Hazel assistant is back, neat and efficient-looking, but
old now. Hazel's dog, Squishy, sleeps on the floor. The
scene in the play is dull. People walk back and forth
aimlessly. Various passersby on the street have hacking
coughs. Tammy steps out of the bathroom, meanders over to
the director's table. Hazel's sweater is on Michael's chair-
back. She casually pulls it off and tries it on. Caden
watches. She looks so much like Hazel now, it's unbearable.
He looks away. Millicent walks by carrying a mop and bucket.

CADEN
I need a Caden for my Hazel.

MILLICENT
I... I'd very much like to play
Caden.

CADEN
Um...


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 115A.
177 CONTINUED: 177

Tammy watches intently. Millicent smiles at her.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 116.
177 CONTINUED: (2) 177

MILLICENT
I know it would be non-traditional
casting, but I think I'm right for
it. I think I understand Caden.

CADEN
I don't understand him.

MILLICENT
Caden Cotard is a man already dead,
living in a half-world between
stasis and antistasis. Time is
concentrated and chronology
confused for him. Up until
recently he has strived valiantly
to make sense of his situation, but
now he has turned to stone.

CADEN
Okay. That sounds good.

MICHAEL
She's right? I didn't see that at
all. I saw it all as more hopeful.

178 INT. NYC WIG STORE - 2050 - DAY 178

Caden and Michael look at a wig called "The Director."

MICHAEL
Any thoughts for today's rehearsal?

CADEN
(beat)
I have a new title, maybe.
Infectious Diseases In Cattle.

MICHAEL
Huh.

CADEN
The title is about a lot of things.
You'll see. It's about a lot.
(pause)
Are you gay, Michael?

MICHAEL
Yes. I don't see what that has to
do with anything.

CADEN
Do you know someone named Eric?



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 117.
178 CONTINUED: 178

MICHAEL
(defensively)
No.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary In a dystopian NYC, Caden reflects on his chaotic surroundings while grappling with the loss of his love, Hazel. After a violent encounter with a man in a Santa hat, he leaves a message on Hazel's answering machine, expressing his desire to recreate their happiest day in a play. As he struggles with the play's direction and his own identity, actress Millicent expresses her eagerness to portray him, complicating his understanding of his character. The scene shifts to a wig store where Caden and his assistant Michael discuss rehearsal plans and a new title for the play, hinting at deeper themes of loss and self-discovery.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Symbolic elements
  • Character complexity
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys Caden's emotional turmoil and inner conflict through symbolic elements and dialogue, creating a poignant and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending reality with surreal elements to explore themes of love, loss, and memory is well-executed, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene focuses on Caden's emotional journey and inner conflict, moving the story forward through symbolic interactions and dialogue.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its dystopian setting, surreal elements, and philosophical undertones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters, especially Caden and Hazel, are portrayed with depth and emotional complexity, reflecting their inner turmoil and longing. The interactions between characters add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Caden experiences emotional growth and introspection in the scene, reflecting on his past, love, and loss, leading to a deeper understanding of himself and his relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to relive the happiest day of his life, which is the day before his loved one, Hazel, died. This reflects his deep desire to hold onto a moment of happiness and escape from the pain of loss.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal in this scene is to direct a play that captures the essence of his relationship with Hazel. This goal reflects his immediate challenge of dealing with grief and finding a way to memorialize his lost love.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Caden's inner struggles and longing, rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caden facing internal and external challenges that test his beliefs and motivations. The uncertainty of how these conflicts will resolve adds intrigue to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and internal, focusing on Caden's inner turmoil and longing, rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Caden's emotional journey and inner conflict, setting the stage for further exploration of memory, love, and loss.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its surreal and symbolic elements, unexpected character interactions, and philosophical themes that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between acceptance of loss and the desire for immortality through art. Caden's attempt to relive the happiest day of his life through a play highlights this conflict and challenges his beliefs about memory and reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, capturing the melancholic and reflective tone of Caden's inner turmoil and longing.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters, exploring themes of love, loss, and longing through meaningful exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark and surreal atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and thought-provoking dialogue. The audience is drawn into Caden's emotional journey and the mystery surrounding his artistic vision.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character development to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and the surreal, dystopian setting of NYC in 2045. The imagery of sick and angry people, along with the absurdity of a woman walking a naked man on a leash, sets a strong tone that reflects Caden's internal chaos. However, the transition from the chaotic street scene to Caden's phone call feels abrupt. The juxtaposition of the external chaos with Caden's introspective moment could be more fluid, perhaps by incorporating his thoughts or feelings about the world around him before he makes the call.
  • Caden's dialogue on the answering machine is poignant, revealing his desire to relive the happiest day of his life. However, it could benefit from more emotional depth. Instead of simply stating his intentions for the play, he could express his feelings of loss and longing more vividly, perhaps by recalling a specific memory from that day. This would enhance the emotional weight of the scene and provide a stronger connection to Hazel.
  • The introduction of Millicent and her desire to play Caden adds an interesting layer to the narrative, but her dialogue could be more impactful. While she articulates Caden's state of being well, it feels somewhat clinical. Infusing her lines with more emotional resonance or personal stakes could make her character more relatable and engaging. Additionally, Caden's response to her could reflect more of his internal conflict about his identity and the role he plays in the lives of those around him.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, particularly in the transition from Caden's emotional breakdown at the director's table to the lighter moment in the wig store. This shift could be jarring for the audience. A smoother transition or a more gradual build-up to the lighter moment would help maintain the emotional continuity of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Caden and Michael feels somewhat disconnected from the emotional core of the scene. While it introduces a new title for the play, it lacks the urgency and depth that the previous moments have established. This could be an opportunity to explore Caden's mental state further, perhaps by having him reflect on the implications of the new title in relation to his life and relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Caden as he observes the chaotic world around him, which could help bridge the gap between the external chaos and his internal struggles.
  • Enhance Caden's voicemail message by incorporating specific memories or feelings associated with the happiest day of his life, making it more emotionally resonant.
  • Revise Millicent's dialogue to include more emotional stakes or personal connections to Caden's character, making her desire to play him feel more significant.
  • Smooth the pacing by creating a more gradual transition between Caden's emotional breakdown and the lighter moments in the wig store, perhaps by including a moment of reflection or a humorous observation from Caden.
  • Use the dialogue between Caden and Michael to delve deeper into Caden's mental state, allowing him to reflect on the implications of the new title and how it relates to his current life and relationships.



Scene 56 -  Directing Emotions
179 INT. WAREHOUSE - CEMETERY SET - 2050 - DAY 179

Caden, in "Director Wig," and Michael watch Millicent,
dressed Caden-esque, sitting at the director's table. Tammy,
in Hazel's sweater, sits next to her. They watch the "Sammy
Funeral" scene replayed with actors playing Tammy playing
Hazel and an actor playing the stand-in for Sammy playing
Caden. Tammy has her head in her hands. She looks over at
Millicent, imploringly.

TAMMY
Come over tonight? Please?

MILLICENT
I'd like that.

CADEN
Ok, take off the sweater.

Tammy takes off the sweater, puts it on the chair back.

TAMMY
I'm hot.

MILLICENT
Yes, you are.

CADEN
Smile shyly at each other.

They do. It lingers. Millicent looks over at the funeral
scene. It's dull and static.

MILLICENT
This is tedious. This is nothing.

Millicent touches Tammy's hand, heads over to the funeral
scene. She whispers things to some actors, has longer
conversations with others.

MICHAEL
What's she doing?

TAMMY
He's directing.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 118.
179 CONTINUED: 179

MICHAEL
She's not getting the feel of you,
Caden. You don't move around. You
don't talk to people. It's not --

MILLICENT
Okay, folks, let's run it!

The scene comes alive with specific activity: weeping Hazel, *
a little boy in the back playing with dirt clods, a man and a *
woman eyeing each other flirtatiously from a distance, an old *
woman with Parkinson's fiddling with Rosary beads, a well- *
dressed woman squatting and peeing near a gravesite. A *
minister addresses the mourners. *

MINISTER *
Everything is more complicated than *
you think. You only see a tenth of *
what is true. There are a million *
little strings attached to every *
choice you make; you can destroy *
your life every time you choose. *
But maybe you won't know for twenty *
years. And you'll never ever trace *
it to its source. And you only get *
one chance to play it out. Just try *
and figure out your own divorce. *
And they say there is no fate, but *
there is: it's what you create. *
Even though the world goes on for *
eons and eons, you are here for a *
fraction of a fraction of a second. *
Most of your time is spent being *
dead or not yet born. But while *
alive, you wait in vain, wasting *
years, for a phone call or a letter *
or a look from someone or something *
to make it all right. And it never *
comes or it seems to but doesn't *
really. And so you spend your time *
in vague regret or vaguer hope for *
something good to come along. *
Something to make you feel *
connected, to make you feel whole, *
to make you feel loved. *
(MORE)




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 118A.
179 CONTINUED: (2) 179
MINISTER (CONT'D)
And the truth is I'm so angry and *
the truth is I'm so fucking sad, *
and the truth is I've been so *
fucking hurt for so fucking long *
and for just as long have been *
pretending I'm ok, just to get *
along, just for, I don't know why, *
maybe because no one wants to hear *
about my misery, because they have *
their own, and their own is too *
overwhelming to allow them to *
listen to or care about mine. *
Well, fuck everybody. *
Amen. *

Soon it starts to rain. Thunder rumbles. People pull out *
umbrellas. Caden looks up, surprised that such a system is *
rigged here. *
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a warehouse set resembling a cemetery, Caden and Michael watch as Millicent and Tammy engage with a funeral scene. Overwhelmed, Tammy invites Millicent for companionship, while Caden instructs them to enhance their performance. Millicent takes charge, directing the actors and infusing the scene with energy, despite Caden's more static approach. The minister's poignant monologue about life's complexities resonates deeply, culminating in an emotional climax. As the scene unfolds, unexpected rain begins to fall, heightening the drama and reflecting the characters' inner turmoil.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Poignant themes
  • Strong performances
  • Reflective atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is powerful and emotionally resonant, delving into complex themes and character emotions. The minister's monologue adds depth and insight into the characters' inner lives, creating a poignant and thought-provoking moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of exploring deep emotional themes like regret, longing, and the search for connection is compelling and well-executed. The minister's monologue adds a philosophical layer to the scene, inviting reflection on life's complexities.

Plot: 8.5

While the scene doesn't focus heavily on plot progression, it deepens the emotional arcs of the characters and provides insight into their inner lives. The scene serves more as a character study and thematic exploration.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of life, death, and human connection, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are richly developed, with complex emotions and inner conflicts. Their interactions and reactions to the minister's monologue reveal layers of depth and vulnerability, making them relatable and compelling.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional growth and introspection in the scene, particularly in their reflections on past actions, regrets, and desires for connection. The minister's monologue prompts self-reflection and potential change.

Internal Goal: 8

Tammy's internal goal is to connect with Millicent on a personal level, seeking companionship and validation.

External Goal: 7

Millicent's external goal is to direct the funeral scene effectively and capture the emotions of the characters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, revolving around the characters' regrets, sadness, and longing. While there is tension and emotional turmoil, it is not driven by external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but impactful, adding layers of conflict and complexity to the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and internal, focusing on the characters' regrets, longing, and search for connection. While the emotional impact is high, there are no immediate life-threatening stakes.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly move the plot forward, it deepens the characters' emotional arcs and provides insight into their inner lives. It serves as a moment of reflection and introspection within the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of complex themes and unexpected character interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of fate, regret, and the search for connection and meaning in life. The minister's monologue challenges the characters' beliefs about choice and destiny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and longing in the audience. The characters' vulnerability and inner struggles resonate deeply, creating a poignant and moving experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, especially the minister's monologue, which is poetic and thought-provoking. It effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and emotional struggles, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thought-provoking dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and allows for moments of reflection and tension to unfold effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to industry standards for screenplay writing, with proper scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear character motivations and narrative progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the funeral through the minister's monologue, which resonates with themes of regret, connection, and the complexity of life. However, the dialogue could benefit from more specificity to enhance its impact. While the minister's words are poignant, they feel somewhat generic and could be tailored to reflect the unique experiences of the characters involved, particularly Caden and Hazel.
  • The dynamic between Caden, Millicent, and Tammy is intriguing, but it lacks depth. The interactions feel somewhat surface-level, and the emotional stakes could be heightened. For instance, exploring Tammy's feelings about the funeral scene and her relationship with Millicent could add layers to their characters and make their interactions more compelling.
  • The transition from the static funeral scene to the lively activity directed by Millicent is a strong visual cue, but it could be more pronounced. The contrast between the dullness of the initial scene and the vibrancy of Millicent's direction could be emphasized through more detailed descriptions of the actors' performances and their emotional expressions.
  • The rain at the end of the scene serves as a metaphor for the emotional turmoil present, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the rain could enhance the atmosphere and provide a smoother transition into this moment of surprise for Caden. Additionally, exploring Caden's internal reaction to the rain could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Revise the minister's monologue to include more personal anecdotes or reflections that tie directly to Caden and Hazel's experiences, making it feel more intimate and relevant to the characters.
  • Develop the interactions between Caden, Millicent, and Tammy further by incorporating more emotional depth. Consider adding dialogue that reveals their fears, hopes, or regrets related to the funeral scene and their relationships.
  • Enhance the contrast between the static funeral scene and the lively activity by providing more vivid descriptions of the actors' performances, focusing on their emotional expressions and physical movements to create a more dynamic atmosphere.
  • Consider building up to the rain more gradually, perhaps by incorporating subtle hints of changing weather or Caden's internal thoughts about the scene's emotional weight, before the rain begins to fall.



Scene 57 -  Echoes of Insecurity
180 EXT. BURNING HOUSE STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2050 - 180
NIGHT

Caden sits with Michael at the director's table and stares
into space. The actors are doing what they've always done,
milling, walking to and fro. Millicent, holding hands with
Tammy, heads up the walk to the Hazel's house set.

CADEN
Millicent.

She turns. He waves her over. Tammy sits on the stoop.

CADEN (CONT'D)
That was ... spectacular.

MICHAEL
It really was! Delightful!

MILLICENT CADEN
Thanks. I'm out of ideas. I'm dead.

MILLICENT
Oh. I... could take over... as
you... for a bit. Until you feel
refreshed.

MICHAEL
Yes! Yes!

Caden, looks sideways at Michael, remains silent.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 119.
180 CONTINUED: 180

MILLICENT MICHAEL
I think you're tired, Caden. Yes. I think you just need
All these years of creative some time. To regroup.
work.

CADEN
I need to keep my hand in.

MILLICENT
Well, Ellen needs to be filled.

CADEN
Filled? You mean...?

MILLICENT MICHAEL
Her role. Just for a bit. It's a choice role. Just
until you're refreshed.

CADEN (CONT'D)
(beat)
I do like to clean.

181 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2050 - NIGHT 181

Caden sits on the unmade bed and reads the note:

ADELE'S VOICE
Ellen, Olive has died. It's a time
of overwhelming grief so please
forgive my mess; I haven't been
able to get out of bed. Until
today. Much affection, A.

Caden crosses to the window and looks up at the night sky,
even though it's clearly the ceiling of the warehouse. A
tiny plane flies by.

182 INT. 31Y HALLWAY (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2050 - NIGHT 182

Caden walks down the hall carrying a bag of garbage to the
incinerator chute, dumps it in, and turns back to apartment
31Y. Old Person #2 (actor version) is standing there.

OLD PERSON #2 (ACTOR)
Ellen? Is your name Ellen?

CADEN
Yes?

OLD PERSON #2 (ACTOR)
Caden asked me to give you this.
You're to keep it in all the time.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 120.
182 CONTINUED: 182

Old Person #2 (actor) hands Caden a small black button.
Caden examines it. Old Person #2 (actor) points to his own
ear, in which he wears one. Caden sticks it in his ear.

MILLICENT'S VOICE
... touched by the sadness of
Adele's neighbor. So close to
death. Reminds me of granny. I
should really call her. Remember
how Granny Bascomb bounced me on
her knee pretending to be a horsie.
I loved that so much. Say thank
you to Adele's neighbor.

CADEN
Thank you.

OLD PERSON #2 (ACTOR)
(pause, listens, then:)
You're very welcome, young lady.

MILLICENT'S VOICE
Now say, have a very good day.

CADEN
Have a very good day.

OLD PERSON #2 (ACTOR)
(pause, listens, then:)
I will indeed.

183 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2050 - NIGHT 183

It's dark. Caden lies in bed, attached to his pumps.

MILLICENT'S VOICE
... miss him. Why did he have to
get bored with me? Everyone gets
bored with me. I'm not very
bright. And since I put on that
weight, I don't get the looks I
used to. It's not that bad. Lots
of people have it worse. I've got
a job and place to stay. Adele is
nice to me. And so smart and
talented. I don't understand her
artwork, but that's just me. I
wish I'd gone to college. I feel
stupid around educated people like
Adele. Eric was too smart for me,
too. We didn't talk at all near
the end.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 121.
183 CONTINUED: 183
MILLICENT'S VOICE (CONT'D)
I'd try to tell him about my day
and he'd get this far away look in
his eyes. I kind of felt sorry for
him; he seemed so miserable with
me. I guess --

Caden drifts off to sleep.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit warehouse set resembling a burning house street in 2050, Caden and Michael observe actors perform. Caden praises Millicent's acting but reveals his creative exhaustion. Millicent offers to temporarily take over his role, a suggestion supported by Michael, prompting Caden to reflect on his need to remain involved. After reading a note from Adele about grief, Caden interacts with an elderly actor who gives him a button that allows him to hear Millicent's inner thoughts of insecurity. The scene concludes with Caden drifting off to sleep, enveloped in Millicent's voice expressing her feelings of inadequacy.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character exploration
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth of the protagonist and sets a somber tone for the narrative. It provides insight into Caden's inner turmoil and establishes a sense of melancholy that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Caden's inner thoughts and feelings in a moment of solitude is compelling and adds depth to his character. The scene effectively conveys the theme of loss and emotional struggle.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, it serves a crucial role in developing Caden's character and setting the emotional tone for future events. It focuses more on internal conflict than external events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations like the characters' interactions with advanced technologies and the surreal setting of a warehouse set. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the characters' emotional complexity.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene provides insight into Caden's complex character and emotional depth. It showcases his vulnerability, loneliness, and inner turmoil, making him a relatable and compelling protagonist.

Character Changes: 7

Caden undergoes a subtle emotional change in the scene, moving from a state of grief and loneliness to a moment of introspection and acceptance. It sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to grapple with his creative exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. He expresses his lack of ideas and feeling 'dead' creatively.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to find a way to continue working creatively despite his exhaustion. He considers letting someone else take over his role temporarily.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Caden's emotional turmoil and sense of loss. It is subtle but impactful in driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Caden's internal struggles and the challenges he faces in maintaining his creative drive. The uncertainty of his future adds tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on Caden's internal struggles and sense of loss. While not high in terms of external events, they are crucial for character development.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it deepens the audience's understanding of Caden's character and emotional journey. It lays the groundwork for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the surreal elements and unexpected character interactions, like Caden receiving a small black button from an actor.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Caden's desire to keep working creatively and his feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion. This conflict challenges his beliefs about his own abilities and the value of his work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and introspection in the audience. It resonates on a deep emotional level, drawing viewers into Caden's world.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Caden's inner thoughts and emotions, adding depth to his character. It is introspective and reflective, capturing the mood of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and introspective dialogue, which draws the audience into the characters' internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is deliberate and contemplative, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene headings and character actions. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between different locations and characters' perspectives. This unconventional structure adds to the scene's dream-like quality.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional exhaustion and the surreal nature of his environment, but it could benefit from more clarity regarding the stakes. The dialogue between Caden, Millicent, and Michael hints at a deeper conflict, yet it feels somewhat vague. Expanding on Caden's internal struggle and the implications of Millicent taking over could heighten the tension and emotional weight of the scene.
  • The use of the button as a device to hear Millicent's thoughts is an interesting concept, but it may come across as confusing to the audience. It would be helpful to establish the significance of this button earlier in the script or provide a clearer explanation of its purpose. This could enhance the audience's understanding of Caden's experience and the thematic elements of connection and communication.
  • The transition between the scenes feels abrupt, particularly when moving from the director's table to the walk-in closet. A smoother transition could help maintain the emotional flow and keep the audience engaged. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that links the two settings more cohesively.
  • Caden's interactions with the Old Person #2 (actor) could be more impactful if they included a moment of recognition or connection. This character's presence seems to serve a purpose, but the interaction feels somewhat perfunctory. Adding depth to this exchange could enhance the emotional resonance of the scene and provide insight into Caden's state of mind.
  • Millicent's voiceover provides a glimpse into her insecurities, but it may benefit from a more direct connection to Caden's emotional journey. Drawing parallels between their experiences could create a stronger thematic link and deepen the audience's investment in both characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding Caden's internal monologue to clarify his emotional state and the weight of Millicent taking over his role. This could help the audience understand his reluctance and the stakes involved.
  • Provide a clearer explanation of the button's significance earlier in the script or through Caden's thoughts, ensuring the audience understands its purpose and how it relates to the themes of connection and communication.
  • Smooth the transition between the director's table and the walk-in closet by adding a moment of reflection or a visual cue that links the two settings, maintaining the emotional flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the interaction with Old Person #2 (actor) by incorporating a moment of recognition or connection that adds depth to Caden's experience and highlights his emotional state.
  • Draw stronger parallels between Millicent's voiceover and Caden's journey, creating a thematic link that deepens the audience's investment in both characters and their struggles.



Scene 58 -  Echoes of Longing
184 INT. ELLEN'S KITCHEN - (2050) - MORNING 184

A tenement apartment. Ellen, in a terrycloth robe, is at the
stove making scrambled eggs. Toast pops from the toaster and
Ellen crosses to get it. She passes a mirror, glances at
herself, seems momentarily surprised, pushes a wisp of hair
behind her ear and continues to the toaster. Eric enters.
He's an unhealthily thin middle-aged man. He doesn't
acknowledge her, nor she him. He pours himself coffee.

ELLEN
I'm making eggs.
(beat)
Is everything okay, Eric?

ERIC
Everything's everything.

185 INT. ELLEN'S BEDROOM - (2050) - MORNING 185

Ellen sits on the bed with a cup of coffee and stares out the
window. There's a city park across the street and she
watches kids play basketball. She begins to weep.

186 EXT. FIELD - (2050) - DAY 186

It's spring and a ten year old girl watches her mother as she
lays out a picnic on a blanket on the ground.

MOTHER
Ellen, why do you look so serious?

ELLEN
I'm going to remember this moment
for the rest of my life, mama. And
in exactly twenty years, come here
with my daughter and have exactly
the same picnic.

MOTHER
Baby, that's the loveliest thing
I've ever heard.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 122.


187 INT. ELLEN'S BEDROOM - (2050) - NIGHT 187

Ellen lies in bed watching Eric sleep next to her.

ELLEN
There was supposed to be something
else. I was to have something. A
calm. A love. Children. A child,
at least. Children. Meaning. I
am always on the verge, never more
than a tiny shove from tears. I
can feel them in my chest now.
That squeezing pressure. And it
is so tempting to let go, but I am
afraid, the next time maybe, I will
never stop crying. I miss my
husband even though he is lying
here. He hates me. Oh God. I
have disappointed him and he hates
me. The one person who should be
able to see me and he won't look.
He will never look again.

188 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2050 - 188
MORNING

Caden lies on his back, and opens his eyes. His pumps drone.

CADEN
(quietly, mournfully)
Eric.

Caden looks over. No note from Adele. He gets out of bed,
glances in the mirror, seems surprised by his reflection.

189 INT. 31Y BATHROOM (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2050 - MORNING 189

Caden sits on the toilet and pees. He wipes himself.

190 INT. APARTMENT 31Y (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2051 - MORNING 190

Caden vacuums the hall.

MILLICENT'S VOICE
My period is late this month. I
wonder what's going on. I'm
bloated. I wish it would come.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a somber morning scene, Ellen prepares breakfast in her kitchen, reflecting on her emotional distance from her husband, Eric. Their cold interaction highlights the strain in their relationship. Overwhelmed by feelings of loss, Ellen watches children play outside, leading her to tears as she recalls a childhood desire for family connection. Lying in bed next to Eric, she expresses her sorrow and fears of inadequacy. The scene transitions to Caden waking up in a different location, mirroring Ellen's emotional turmoil.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Vulnerability
  • Introspective narrative
Weaknesses
  • Minimal external plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively conveys a strong sense of melancholy and introspection through Ellen's inner monologue and actions. The emotional depth and raw vulnerability portrayed contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Ellen's inner struggles and unfulfilled desires is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively delves into the complexities of human emotions and the fleeting nature of happiness.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is minimal in terms of external events, the scene focuses on internal conflict and emotional development, adding depth to the character of Ellen. The plot serves to explore her inner world and emotional journey.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of loneliness, disappointment, and the search for meaning in a fresh and emotionally resonant way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Ellen is portrayed with depth and complexity, showcasing her vulnerability and inner turmoil. The scene effectively develops her character and provides insight into her emotional state.

Character Changes: 7

Ellen undergoes a subtle but significant emotional change in the scene, moving from a sense of resignation and loneliness to a moment of introspection and vulnerability. Her emotional journey adds depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of fulfillment and meaning in her life. Ellen is struggling with feelings of disappointment, loneliness, and a lack of purpose, as evidenced by her emotional outburst in bed.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain a semblance of normalcy and routine in her daily life, as seen through her interactions with Eric and her desire to have a picnic with her future daughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene focuses more on internal conflict and emotional turmoil rather than external conflicts. The conflict arises from Ellen's inner struggles and unfulfilled desires, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, values, and desires. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these obstacles and find resolution.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on Ellen's internal turmoil and sense of loss. While the emotional stakes are high for her character, there are no immediate external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it deepens the emotional complexity of the characters, particularly Ellen. It provides insight into her inner world and emotional struggles.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it explores the characters' internal struggles and desires in unexpected ways, revealing new layers of complexity and emotion. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the characters' inner turmoil.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for meaning and fulfillment in her life and the harsh reality of her current circumstances. This conflict challenges Ellen's beliefs about love, family, and happiness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and empathy for Ellen's character. The raw vulnerability and emotional depth portrayed resonate with the audience on a profound level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is introspective and reflective, capturing Ellen's inner thoughts and emotions. It effectively conveys her sense of sadness, regret, and loneliness.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it delves deep into the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, drawing the audience into their personal struggles and desires. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and relatable, creating a sense of intimacy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of quiet moments of reflection and emotional outbursts that drive the narrative forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' inner turmoil.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions of actions, and character dialogue. The visual elements are well-defined and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a linear progression, moving between different locations and characters to explore the protagonist's internal and external struggles. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Ellen's emotional turmoil and sense of isolation, which resonates with the overarching themes of loss and disappointment present throughout the screenplay. However, the dialogue between Ellen and Eric feels somewhat stilted and lacks depth. Their interaction could benefit from more subtext or tension to better illustrate their emotional disconnect.
  • Ellen's internal monologue in the bedroom is poignant and reveals her deep-seated fears and regrets. However, it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details or imagery that reflects her emotional state. For instance, describing the sounds of the city or the sights outside her window could create a stronger contrast between her internal struggles and the external world.
  • The flashback to Ellen's childhood picnic is a touching moment that adds depth to her character, but it feels slightly disconnected from the present narrative. It might be more impactful if it were woven into her current emotional state more seamlessly, perhaps by having her reflect on the picnic while watching the children play outside.
  • The transition from Ellen's emotional breakdown to Caden waking up in the warehouse is abrupt. While it serves to parallel their emotional states, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Consider using visual or auditory cues that link the two moments more cohesively.
  • Caden's reaction to his reflection and the mention of Eric feels somewhat underdeveloped. Expanding on his feelings about his own identity and how it relates to Ellen's struggles could create a more profound connection between the two characters and their shared experiences of loss.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue between Ellen and Eric to include more subtext, allowing their emotional disconnect to be conveyed through their words and actions rather than explicit statements.
  • Incorporate sensory details in Ellen's internal monologue to create a richer emotional landscape, enhancing the contrast between her internal struggles and the vibrant life outside her window.
  • Consider integrating the flashback more fluidly into the present narrative, perhaps by having Ellen reflect on the picnic while observing the children, creating a stronger emotional resonance.
  • Smooth the transition between Ellen's emotional breakdown and Caden's awakening by using visual or auditory elements that connect the two scenes, reinforcing the parallel between their experiences.
  • Expand on Caden's feelings about his identity and connection to Ellen's struggles, allowing for a deeper exploration of their shared themes of loss and disappointment.



Scene 59 -  Echoes of Desolation
191 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2051 - NIGHT 191

Caden lies in bed reading a Judith Krantz novel.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 122A.
191 CONTINUED: 191

MILLICENT'S VOICE
I can't believe she said that to
him! She's a slut, anyway.

He sticks a bookmark in the book, puts it on the night table,
turns off the light, and lies on his back with his eyes open.

MILLICENT'S VOICE (CONT'D)
Maybe I can ask Adele for a raise.
It's been three years. I do a good
job. God, I'm so tired tonight.
I'm getting old. I'm lonely here.

A192 OMITTED A192
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 123.


192 OMITTED 192

A193 OMITTED A193

B193 OMITTED B193

193 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2051 - 193
MORNING

Caden awakens. He switches off his pumps.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 124.
193 CONTINUED: 193

MILLICENT'S VOICE
Get up. Look at the night table
for a note from Adele.

Caden gets up and glances at the night table. A type-written
note:

MALE VOICE
Adele died of lung cancer last
night. You may stay on if you
like.

MILLICENT'S VOICE
Look shocked. Weep.

Caden looks shocked, then weeps.

MILLICENT'S VOICE (CONT'D)
Go into the kitchen and --

The voice stops. Caden stops. He waits. Nothing. He takes
out the earpiece and looks at it, shakes it, then slips it
back in his ear. Nothing. He waits. In the distance he
hears wailing and gun shots.

194 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2053 - NIGHT 194

The lights are out. Caden sits on the bed, still waiting.

195 INT. 31Y WALK-IN CLOSET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - DAY 195

Caden sits on the bed, his head slumped against the
headboard, sleeping. Distant explosions wake him. He opens
his eyes and sits up straight, and waits. He taps his ear.

196 INT. 31Y HALLWAY (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - NIGHT 196

The hall is very dark. Caden exits apartment 31Y. Old
person #2 (actor) stands in the hallway and faces away,
unmoving. Caden walks past and nods. Old person #2 does not
respond. Caden presses the elevator button.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 125.
196 CONTINUED: 196

OLD PERSON #2 (ACTOR)
There's nobody running it anymore.

Caden looks at Old Person #2 and nods.

197 INT. WAREHOUSE - 31Y BUILDING STAIRWELL - 2055 - CONTINUOUS 197

Dark. The unfinished, back-of-a-facade of the set is
apparent. Caden walks down endless plywood stairs. The
bowels of the building: fake water pipes, electrical cords.

198 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - MORNING 198

No lights. Vague daylight drifts in from high warehouse
windows, from which cardboard has fallen. Deadly quiet,
abandoned. Caden passes the occasional body on the street.
Fires smolder in buildings. The streets are flooded with
sewer water. Buildings are draped with massive tarps. Behind
a fence are piles of bodies.

A199 EXT. BURNING HOUSE (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - MORNING A199

He passes the Hazel's House set, burnt to the ground.

B199 EXT. WAREHOUSE STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - MORNINGB199

He arrives at the warehouse set and enters.

199 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE SET) - 199
2055 - MORNING

Deserted here too. The same occasional fires, flooding, dead
bodies.

A200 EXT. WAREHOUSE STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE SET)A200
- 2055 - MORNING

Caden walks, soon arriving at the warehouse set within the
warehouse set. He enters.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary In a dimly lit warehouse in 2055, Caden reads in bed when he hears Millicent's voice expressing her loneliness. He discovers a note about Adele's death from lung cancer, leading to shock and tears. As he waits for Millicent's guidance, silence envelops him, deepening his sense of isolation. The scene shifts through time, revealing distant explosions and gunshots. Caden exits his apartment, briefly encounters an unmoving old person, and descends into a dark stairwell, ultimately emerging into a devastated city street filled with destruction and death.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere and tone
  • Emotional depth and introspection
Weaknesses
  • Lack of plot progression
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively creates a sense of unease and introspection through its tone and setting, but lacks a clear resolution or progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character waiting in a desolate world within a warehouse set is intriguing and sets up a unique scenario, but could be further developed to enhance the narrative.

Plot: 7.5

The plot revolves around Caden waiting and receiving news of Adele's death, but lacks significant progression or development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on post-apocalyptic themes, blending internal emotional struggles with external survival challenges in a unique and compelling way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Caden, are portrayed in a state of emotional turmoil and reflection, but could benefit from more depth and interaction.

Character Changes: 6

Caden experiences a moment of shock and grief upon learning of Adele's death, but his character development is limited in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to cope with feelings of loneliness, aging, and loss, as reflected in his interactions with the voices in his earpiece and his emotional reactions to the news of Adele's death.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the post-apocalyptic world he finds himself in, as shown by his movements through the dark and desolate environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene lacks significant external conflict, focusing more on internal struggles and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing both internal and external challenges that create obstacles and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional turmoil and reflection than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides some insight into Caden's emotional state and sets up potential future developments, but does not significantly advance the overall story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's internal struggles with loneliness and loss, and the external challenges of survival in a harsh world. This conflict challenges his beliefs about his place in the world and his ability to cope with adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong sense of melancholy and introspection, drawing the audience into Caden's emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the internal thoughts and emotions of the characters, but could be more engaging and impactful.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a dark and mysterious world, drawing them into the protagonist's emotional journey and the challenges he faces.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and effectively conveying the setting and character actions.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows a linear progression, effectively building tension and suspense as the protagonist navigates his environment and grapples with his emotions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional turmoil and isolation, particularly through the use of Millicent's voice as a narrative device. However, the transition from Millicent's mundane concerns to the shocking news of Adele's death feels abrupt. This could be smoothed out by providing a more gradual build-up to the emotional climax, perhaps by having Millicent's voice reflect on deeper themes of loss and connection before delivering the news.
  • The use of the earpiece as a means of communication with Millicent is an interesting choice, symbolizing Caden's reliance on external validation and guidance. However, the moment when Caden shakes the earpiece and receives no response could be expanded to emphasize his growing sense of abandonment and despair. This could be a pivotal moment that deepens the audience's understanding of his mental state.
  • The visual imagery of the desolate city and the sounds of distant explosions and gunshots effectively create a bleak atmosphere. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the smells, textures, or even the temperature of the environment could enhance the emotional weight of Caden's experience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly in the transition from Caden's initial shock to his weeping. This emotional shift could be more gradual, allowing the audience to fully absorb the weight of Adele's death before moving on to Caden's subsequent actions. Consider adding a moment of silence or reflection before he begins to weep.
  • The dialogue, particularly Millicent's voice, is effective in conveying her insecurities and loneliness. However, it could be more impactful if it included more specific references to her relationship with Caden or her feelings about the play. This would create a stronger connection between her struggles and Caden's emotional journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Caden after he receives the news of Adele's death, allowing the audience to witness his internal struggle before he reacts outwardly.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience, focusing on the environment and Caden's physical sensations.
  • Expand on Millicent's voice to include more personal reflections that tie her feelings to Caden's emotional state, creating a deeper connection between the two characters.
  • Smooth the transition between Millicent's mundane concerns and the shocking news of Adele's death by incorporating a gradual build-up that reflects Caden's emotional landscape.
  • Consider using visual metaphors or symbols in the environment to reflect Caden's internal state, such as the state of the warehouse or the city around him, to enhance the thematic depth of the scene.



Scene 60 -  A Moment of Connection
200 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE-WITHIN- 200
WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - MORNING

Another dark, deserted street, more bodies, fires, floods.
Caden panics. He pulls out his earpiece, shakes it, and puts
it back. He walks.

A201 EXT. WAREHOUSE STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE- A201
WITHIN-WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055

He arrives at the warehouse within the warehouse within the
warehouse. He enters.
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 126.


201 EXT. CITY STREET (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE-WITHIN- 201
WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - DAY

Deserted. Caden walks. He gets in a golf cart and drives
through the deserted street sets.

202 EXT. BEACH (INT. WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE-WITHIN- 202
WAREHOUSE-WITHIN-WAREHOUSE SET) - 2055 - CONTINUOUS

Caden reaches the beach set, and drives the cart on the sand.
He sees footprints. He gets out and follows them, spots a
woman ahead walking with a suitcase. He hurries as much as
he can with his limp, his weakness, his ancient body, to
catch up with her.

CADEN
Hello.

The woman turns. She's middle-aged, face radiating kindness.

CADEN (CONT'D)
Where is everybody?

WOMAN
Mostly dead. Some have left.

CADEN
Would you sit with me for a moment?
I'm very tired. And lonely.

The woman smiles at Caden. They sit on a log.

CADEN (CONT'D)
I feel like I know you.

WOMAN
I was the mother in Ellen's dream.
Perhaps from there.

CADEN
Yes! That's it. Yes. You seem a
bit older than I remember.

WOMAN
(chuckling)
That dream was quite a while ago.

He's silent. The woman touches his hand.

CADEN
I didn't mean to say you look old.




(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 127.
202 CONTINUED: 202

WOMAN
I know.

CADEN
Everyone's dreams in all those
apartments. All those secrets
we'll never know. That's the truth
of it -- all the thoughts nobody
will ever know.

WOMAN
It's true.

CADEN
I'm sorry the experiment didn't
work. I wanted it to with all my
heart. I wanted to do that picnic
with my daughter. I feel I've
disappointed you terribly.

WOMAN
No. No. I am so proud of you.

Caden starts to tear up.

CADEN
All I want is someone to see me,
someone to look at me with
kindness. For me to be the most
special person in the world to just
one person.

WOMAN
I know, baby. I know.

He looks at her tentatively. She's looking into his eyes
directly, clearly, kindly. She smiles.

WOMAN (CONT'D)
You're going to be fine.

Caden starts to weep so hard he chokes. Strings of snot pour
from his nose. The woman holds him, gently takes off his
wig, and strokes his sparse hair. He looks out over her
shoulder at the dark empty city at the far end of the
warehouse. His rheumy eyes light up.

CADEN
I know what to do with this play
now. I have an idea. I think --

The screen goes black fast.



(CONTINUED)
SYN, NY - GOLDENROD REVISIONS - JULY 30, 2007 128.
202 CONTINUED: (2) 202

END
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary In a deserted city street in 2055, Caden, feeling panicked and alone, arrives at a warehouse and drives a golf cart to a beach set. There, he meets a kind middle-aged woman who listens as he expresses his loneliness and disappointment over a failed experiment to connect with his daughter. The woman comforts him, sharing a connection from a past dream, which inspires Caden with a new idea for his play. The scene captures Caden's emotional breakdown and the woman's nurturing presence, ending with a moment of clarity for Caden as the screen goes black.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Human connection
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is beautifully crafted, evoking a range of emotions and showcasing deep character development. The poignant dialogue and themes resonate strongly with the audience, creating a powerful and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of finding kindness and connection in unexpected places is compelling and well-executed. The scene explores universal themes of loneliness and human connection in a unique and engaging way.

Plot: 8.5

While the scene focuses more on character interaction and emotional depth than plot progression, it serves as a pivotal moment in Caden's emotional journey, offering insight into his inner struggles and desires.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of futuristic elements, emotional depth, and existential themes, creating a fresh and engaging take on the dystopian genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

The characters are richly developed, with Caden's vulnerability and the woman's kindness shining through. Their interaction feels authentic and emotionally resonant, drawing the audience into their world.

Character Changes: 8

Caden experiences a significant emotional change in the scene, moving from loneliness and despair to a moment of connection and hope. The interaction with the woman marks a turning point in his emotional journey.

Internal Goal: 9

Caden's internal goal in this scene is to find connection and validation, as he expresses his loneliness and desire for someone to see him with kindness. This reflects his deeper need for human connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Caden's external goal is to figure out what to do with his play, as he expresses that he has an idea after his emotional interaction with the woman on the beach. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his creative process.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is emotional conflict and inner turmoil within Caden, the scene focuses more on emotional connection and introspection rather than external conflict.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but impactful, as Caden's internal struggles and emotional barriers create a sense of conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more internal and emotional in this scene, focusing on Caden's personal struggles and desires rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the plot in terms of external events, it deepens the audience's understanding of Caden's character and sets the stage for future emotional developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional turn in Caden's interaction with the woman, leading to a surprising revelation about his creative process.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of loneliness, connection, and the search for meaning in a seemingly empty world. Caden's dialogue with the woman challenges his beliefs about his own worth and the impact of his creative work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, comfort, and hope in the audience. The genuine connection between Caden and the woman tugs at the heartstrings and leaves a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and heartfelt, capturing the emotional depth of the characters' interaction. It conveys a sense of loneliness, connection, and hope, adding layers to the scene's emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and the sense of mystery and discovery that drives the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment of realization for the protagonist.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional journey of the protagonist, leading to a clear resolution and revelation at the end.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Caden's emotional state, showcasing his loneliness and desperation for connection. The dialogue between Caden and the woman is poignant, revealing his vulnerability and desire for understanding. However, the pacing feels rushed, particularly in the transition from Caden's panic to his encounter with the woman. A more gradual build-up could enhance the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The setting of a deserted city street and the beach within a warehouse is intriguing, but it may benefit from more vivid descriptions to ground the audience in this surreal environment. The contrast between the desolation and the warmth of the woman's kindness could be emphasized further to heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Caden's character arc culminates in this scene, but the resolution feels somewhat abrupt. While the idea of him finding inspiration for his play is significant, it could be more impactful if the audience had a clearer understanding of what this idea entails. A hint or foreshadowing of the play's direction could create a stronger narrative thread.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines, particularly Caden's, could be more concise. For instance, his lengthy reflections on disappointment and secrets could be distilled into more impactful statements. This would maintain the emotional intensity while keeping the audience engaged.
  • The woman's character, while kind and supportive, lacks depth. Providing her with a more defined backstory or a clearer connection to Caden's journey could enhance her role and make her presence more meaningful in the context of Caden's emotional struggles.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the scene to allow for a more gradual transition from Caden's panic to his interaction with the woman. This could involve additional internal monologue or visual cues that illustrate his emotional state.
  • Enhance the setting descriptions to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Use sensory details to evoke the atmosphere of the deserted city and the beach, contrasting it with the warmth of the woman's presence.
  • Introduce a hint of Caden's new idea for the play earlier in the scene, perhaps through a brief flash of inspiration or a specific thought that he shares with the woman. This would create anticipation for the audience and provide a clearer narrative direction.
  • Edit Caden's dialogue for brevity, focusing on the most impactful lines that convey his emotional state without losing the depth of his character. This will help maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Develop the woman's character further by giving her a more defined backstory or connection to Caden's journey. This could involve a shared experience or a specific piece of advice that resonates with Caden, making her role more significant.