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Scene 1 -  The Introduction
  • Overall: 7.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
"THE SHINING."


Post Production Script.




A STANLEY KUBRICK FILM

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER:
JAN HARLAN

PRODUCED AND DIRECTED BY:
STANLEY KUBRICK




July, 1980
"THE SHINING."

EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAIN (U.S.A.) - DAY - L.S.

Lake and Mountains. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD past island in
lake.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD - DAY - L.S.

High Angle V.W. Car moving along road - CAMERA TILTS UP with
it.

CUT TO:

EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAINS & ROAD - DAY - L.S.

Mountains and Road - V.W. Car moves away along road - CAMERA
TRACKS after it.

CUT TO:

L.S. V.W. Car moving away along road - CAMERA TRACKS after
it and passes car - TRACKING FORWARD to Mountains in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. High Angle V.W. Car moves away along road - CAMERA
TILTS UP with it. Car goes into tunnel and comes out other
side. CAMERA TRACKS after car.

CUT TO:

L.S. V.W. Car moves along road. CAMERA TRACKS after it.
Mountains in b.g.

CUT TO:

L.S. High Angle V.W. Car moving away along road. Mountain
in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS after car.

CUT TO:

L.S. Mountain - CAMERA TRACKS IN on Hotel.

CUT TO:

Black Frames.

THE INTERVIEW.

CUT TO:
2.


INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL/LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

Jack walks L-R across Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS BACK & PANS with
him to RECEPTIONIST behind desk.

JACK
Hi, I've got an appointment with Mr.
Ullman. My name is Jack Torrance.

RECEPTIONIST
His office is the first door on the
left.

JACK
Thank you.

JACK moves away R-L. CAMERA PANS with him and TRACKS IN
after him through Secretary's office to open door of ULLMAN's
office - revealing ULLMAN seated at desk with SECRETARY
standing beside him.

JACK
Mr. Ullman?

ULLMAN
Yes?

JACK
I'm Jack Torrance.

ULLMAN
Oh, well - come on in Jack.

ULLMAN stands up and hands book to SECRETARY, walking round
side of desk. JACK moves into office. CAMERA TRACKS IN
after him. He shakes hands with ULLMAN.

ULLMAN
Very nice to meet you.

JACK
Nice to meet you, Mr. Ullman.

ULLMAN points to SECRETARY.

ULLMAN
This is my secretary, Susie.

SECRETARY
Hallo.

JACK
Susie, how do you do?
3.


ULLMAN
Have any trouble finding us?

JACK
Oh, no problem at all. I made the
trip in three and a half hours.

ULLMAN
Well, that's very good time, very
good. Please sit down a minute.

ULLMAN points to chair cam.R. JACK sits cam.R.f.g. ULLMAN
walks behind desk.

ULLMAN
JAck, just make yourself at home.
Would you like some coffee?

JACK
Well, if you are going to have
some, I wouldn't mind. Thanks.

ULLMAN
Susie.

SECRETARY
Sure.

ULLMAN
Oh, and would you ask Bill Watson
to join us?

SECRETARY
Yes, I will.

ULLMAN sits behind desk. SUSIE walks forward to R.f.g.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING/BOULDER - DAY - L.S.

Apartment Building - cars parked in front of it. Mountain
in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS IN on Apartment Building.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Horror"]

Summary Jack Torrance arrives at the Overlook Hotel for a job interview with Mr. Ullman. He meets with Ullman and his secretary, Susie, before being offered the job.
Strengths "The scene sets up the main character and establishes his motivation and purpose for being at the hotel. The dialogue and character interactions are well-written and add depth to the story."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict or action, which may bore some audiences. It also does not introduce any elements of horror or suspense, which may mislead viewers about the genre of the film."
Critique There are a few things to note about this scene. Firstly, the lack of dialogue and action makes it difficult to fully critique as a "scene" in the traditional sense. Instead, it reads more like a sequence of shots that establish the setting and introduce the main character.

In terms of visual storytelling, the shots of the Colorado mountains and the V.W. car moving along the road effectively set up the remote and isolated location of the Overlook Hotel. The tracking shots also create a sense of movement and anticipation for the audience.

The actual scene in the lobby of the hotel is relatively straightforward, with the dialogue serving mostly as exposition to establish Jack's character and his reason for being at the hotel. However, it is notable that there is some visual interest in the movement of the camera as it pans and tracks with Jack through the secretary's office and into Ullman's office. This helps to add texture and movement to a scene that is otherwise fairly static.

Overall, while there may not be much to critique in terms of character development or plot progression, the scene does effectively set up the setting and tone of the film through striking visuals and camera movement.
Suggestions The main suggestion would be to streamline the opening mountain and road shots to make them more visually interesting and relevant to the story. One possibility could be to have a character or object of importance in the car, or to show some foreshadowing of the hotel's ominous presence in the landscape. Additionally, the dialogue in the interview scene could be tweaked to reveal more about Jack's character and motivations, as well as build tension or intrigue about the Overlook Hotel. Overall, the scene could benefit from more purposeful storytelling and character development.



Scene 2 -  Danny and Wendy discuss moving to the hotel
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. JACK & WENDY'S APARTMENT IN BOULDER (USA) / LIVING
ROOM - DAY - M.L.S.

DANNY is sitting at table eating a sandwich. WENDY sitting
cam.R reading book.

DANNY
Mom...
4.


WENDY
Yeah.

DANNY
Do you really want to go and live
in that hotel for the winter?

WENDY
Sure, Danny, it will be lots of fun.

DANNY
Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, there's
hardly anybody to play with around
here.

WENDY
Yeah, I know. It always takes a
little time to make new friends.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY eating sandwich.

DANNY
Yeah, I guess so.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
What about Tony? He's looking
forward to the hotel, I bet.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY while eating sandwich wiggles forefinger of his
L.hand and speaks with different voice.

TONY
NO, I ain't Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
Oh come on, Tony. Don't be silly.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY wiggles forefinger of L.hand and speaks with
different voice.
5.


TONY
I don't want to go there, Mrs.
Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
Well, how come you don't want to go?

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY wiggles forefinger of L.hand and speaks with
different voice.

TONY
I just don't.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Well, let's just wait and see.
We're all gonna have a real good
time.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Danny and Wendy discuss the idea of moving to a hotel for the winter, with Danny expressing his concern about not having anyone to play with and Wendy reassuring him that they will make new friends. Tony, the imaginary friend, is also briefly mentioned.
Strengths "Establishes the setting and characters, foreshadows potential conflicts."
Weaknesses "Lack of significant action or plot development."
Critique As an AI language model, I am not capable of judging the quality of a screenplay. However, I can provide some feedback on the technical aspects of the scene.

Firstly, the scene lacks descriptive detail, which is essential for visual storytelling in a screenplay. For instance, we don't know anything about the characters' appearance, their surroundings, or the tone of the conversation. This lack of description limits the readers' ability to imagine the scene and reduces its impact.

Secondly, the scene seems to lack a clear purpose or conflict. While the discussion about the hotel and making friends could be seen as setting up some exposition for the story, the inclusion of Tony's voice and the subsequent conversation seems out of place and somewhat confusing. It's not clear why Danny is speaking as Tony, or why that detail is important to the story.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more descriptive detail and a clearer purpose or conflict to make it more engaging for readers.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions I have for improving this scene:

1. Show, don't tell: The dialogue in this scene is very on-the-nose and straightforward. Instead of having Danny ask about the hotel, why not show him looking at a brochure or website on his tablet? This would give the audience a better idea of what the hotel is like without having to explicitly say it.

2. Develop the characters: Right now, the characters seem very one-dimensional. Give them more depth by including details about their past experiences or interests that relate to the story. For example, Wendy could mention how she used to love staying in hotels as a child, or Danny could talk about his passion for skiing (which could be why he's hesitant to leave the area).

3. Use more subtext: Instead of having Tony respond to Wendy's question with a flat "I just don't," why not have him say something that implies he's afraid or hesitant about going to the hotel? This would add more tension and nuance to the scene.

4. Cut unnecessary dialogue: There are a few lines in this scene that don't add much to the story, like when Wendy says "Yeah, I know" after Danny mentions there aren't many kids to play with. Streamline the dialogue to keep the scene moving.



Scene 3 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL/ULLMAN'S OFFICE - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK over ULLMAN seated at desk. BILL WATSON enter office.
JACK rises and shakes hands with him.

ULLMAN
Bill, I'd like you to meet Jack
Torrance.

WATSON
How do you do?

JACK
Bill, how do you do?

WATSON
Pleased to meet you.

JACK
Pleasure to meet you.

ULLMAN
Grab a chair Bill, and join in.
6.


WATSON & JACK sit down.

ULLMAN
Jack is going to take care of the
Overlook for this winter. I would
like you to take him around the
place as soon as we are through.

WATSON
Fine.

ULLMAN
Jack is a schoolteacher.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Eh - formerly a school-teacher.

WATSON (OFF)
What line of work are you in now?

JACK
I'm a writer um... Teaching has
been more or less a way of making
ends meet.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WATSON.

WATSON
Well this ought to be quite a
change for you.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, I'm looking for a change.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Our people in Denver recommended
Jack very highly, and, for once, I
agree with them.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN
7.


ULLMAN
Let's see, where were we? Yes. I
was about to explain that eh... our
season here runs from oh May 15th
to October 30th and then we close
down completely until the following
May.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Do you mind if I ask why you do
that? It seems to me that the
skiing up here would be fantastic.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Oh, it sure would be

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
but the problem is the enormous
cost it would be to keep the road
to the Sidewinder open. It's a...
It's a 25 mile stretch of road -
gets an average of 20 feet of snow
during the winter, and there's just
no way to make it economically
feasible to keep it clear. When
the place was built in 1907, there
was very little interest in winter
sports, and this site was chosen
for its seclusion and scenic beauty.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. ULLMAN over WATSON & JACK.

JACK
Well, it's certainly got plenty of
that.

JACK laughs.

ULLMAN
That's right. And did they give
you any idea in Denver about what
the job entails?
8.


JACK
Only in a very general way.

ULLMAN
Well...

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
...the winters can be fantastically
cruel, and the basic idea is
to...to cope with the very costly
damage and depreciation which can
occur. And this consists mainly of
running the boiler, heating
different parts of the hotel on a
daily rotating basis, repairing
damage as it occurs and doing
repairs, so that the elements can't
get a foothold.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, that sounds fine to me.

ULLMAN grunts off.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN
Physically, it's not a very
demanding job. The only thing that
can get a bit trying up here during
the winter is eh... the tremendous
sense of isolation.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, that just happens to be
exactly what I'm looking for. I'm
eh... I'm outlining a new writing
project, and eh...
(MORE)
9.


JACK (CONT'D)
five months of peace is just what I
want.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN
That's very good Jack, because eh...
for some people eh solitude and
isolation...

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
can of itself be a problem.

JACK
Not for me.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN.

ULLMAN
How about your wife and son? How
do you think they'll take to it?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
They'll love it.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Great...

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN

ULLMAN
Well, before I turn you over to
Bill, there is one other thing I
think we should talk about. I
don't want to sound melodramatic,
but it is something that's...
(MORE)
10.


ULLMAN (CONT'D)
been known to give a few people
second thoughts about the job.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
I'm intrigued.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN.

ULLMAN
I don't suppose they eh told you
anything in Denver about the
tragedy we had up here during the
winter of 1970?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK shakes his head.

JACK
I don't believe they did.

CUT TO:

M.S. BILL WATSON.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Well, my predecessor in this job

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN.

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
hired a man named Charles Grady, as
the winter caretaker. He came up
here with his wife and two little
girls of about eight or ten. And
he had a good employment record,
good references and from what I've
been told, I mean, he seemed like a
completely normal individual. But
at some point during the winter, he
must have suffered some kind of a
complete mental breakdown.
(MORE)
11.


ULLMAN (CONT'D)
He ran amok and eh... killed his
family with an axe,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
stacked them neatly in one of the
rooms in the West Wing, and then he
um... then he put eh both barrels
of his shotgun in his mouth.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN sitting behind desk.

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
The police eh... they thought that
it was what the old-timers used to
call cabin-fever, a kind of
claustrophobic reaction which can
occur when people are

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
shut in together over long periods
of time.

JACK
Well, that is eh quite a story.

CUT TO:

M.S. ULLMAN laughs.

ULLMAN
Yes, it is. Oh, it's still hard
for me to believe that it actually
happened here, but it did and eh...
I think you can appreciate why I
wanted to tell you about it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.
12.


JACK
Ah, I certainly can, and eh... I
also understand why your people in
Denver left it for you to tell me.

JACK laughs.

CUT TO:

U.S. ULLMAN laughing.

ULLMAN
Well, obviously some people can be

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

ULLMAN (OFF) (CONT'D)
put off by the idea of staying
alone in a place where something
like that actually happened.

JACK
Well, you can rest assured Mr.
Ullman, that's not going to happen
with me, and eg as far as my wife
is concerned, I am sure she'll be
absolutely fascinated when I tell
her about it. She's a confirmed
ghost story and horror film addict.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique Overall, this scene could benefit from more dynamic dialogue and action. Much of it consists of characters sitting and talking, which can be visually stagnant. The dialogue also feels a bit stilted and overly formal, lacking the natural rhythm and flow of actual conversation. It would be helpful to inject more personality and unique voices for each character. Additionally, there could be more physical movement or actions to break up the talking, adding visual interest and building character development.
Suggestions The scene feels a bit stagnant, with a lot of back-and-forth dialogue and not much action or visual interest. Consider adding more dynamic visuals and movements to keep the audience engaged. For example, you could have Watson giving a brief tour of the hotel as he speaks, or have Jack and Watson sitting in a lounge area instead of just at a desk. Additionally, try to add more conflict or tension to the scene. Maybe Jack is hesitant about taking the job, or Watson has some reservations about him. Adding a bit of intrigue will keep the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next. Finally, consider trimming some of the dialogue to make the scene tighter and more impactful. Only include information that is essential to the story and character development.



Scene 4 -  Job News and Bloody Hallways
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY - M.S.

Shooting through open door - DANNY standing on stool at basin.

DANNY
Tony, do you think Daddy will get
the job?

TONY (OFF)
Yeah, he did. He's gonna phone
Wendy up in a few minutes to tell
her.

CUT TO:

INT. BOULDER KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY - M.S.

WENDY back to camera washing dishes at sink. PHONE RINGS
OFF. She dries her hand and puts carton in fridge. Then
moves L-R into Living Room - CAMERA PANS with her.
13.


She picks up telephone receiver.

WENDY
(into phone)
Hello.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK leaning on counter at reception desk, speaking into
phone.

JACK
(into phone)
Hi, babe.

WENDY
(over phone)
Hi, hon. How's it going?

JACK
(into phone)
Great. Look, I'm at the hotel and
I still have an awful lot to go
through. I don't think I can get
home before nine or ten.

CUT TO:

INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - DAY - M.S.

WENDY sitting on back of chair phone to ear.

WENDY
(into phone)
Sounds like you got the job?

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK leaning on reception desk with phone to ear.

JACK
(into phone)
Right it's a beautiful place. You
and Danny are gonna love it.

INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/BATHROOM - DAY - M.S.

DANNY standing on stool by basin. He is reflected in mirror.
CAMERA TRACKS IN on his reflection in mirror.
14.


DANNY
Tony, why don't you want to go to
the hotel?

DANNY wiggles forefinger.

TONY (OFF)
I don't know.

DANNY
You do too know, now come on tell me.

DANNY wiggles forefinger.

TONY (OFF)
I don't want to.

DANNY
Please...

DANNY wiggles forefinger.

TONY (OFF)
No.

DANNY
Now Tony, tell me.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.L.S.

Shooting towards doors of lifts. Blood gushes in from
L.side of lift and in from corridors L. and R. of lift
doors - surging towards camera.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/CORRIDOR - M.S.

Two Little GRADY girls holding hands.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/LOBBY - M.L.S.

Blood gushing in from corridors L-R of lift doors and
surging towards camera.

CUT TO:
15.


INT. BOULDER APARTMENT - M.C.S.

DANNY screaming.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/LOBBY - M.L.S.

Blood gushing in from corridors L-R of lift doors and
surging forward. The blood gushes up into camera lens
causing black out.

DOCTOR (OFF)
Now hold your eyes still so that I
can see.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary The family discusses the father's new job over the phone while Danny talks to Tony in the bathroom. Suddenly, the scene shifts to the hotel where a bloody scene ensues.
Strengths "Introduces upcoming conflict with the blood in the hotel hallway and creates tension with dialogue and setting."
Weaknesses "Jump in setting with no clear transition. Danny's conversation with Tony seems disconnected from the rest of the scene."
Critique As a screenwriting language model, I can provide some feedback based on common writing principles and techniques.

Overall, this scene lacks clear direction and focus. There are too many cuts between different locations and characters, making it difficult to follow the narrative. The dialogue feels disjointed, with characters not clearly related to each other or their actions.

There are also some moments where the scene becomes confusing or cliche. For example, the sudden appearance of blood in the hotel lobby feels jarring and doesn't seem to have any clear purpose or connection to the rest of the story. Additionally, the conversation between Danny and Tony feels like a forced attempt to include a child's perspective, without much development or payoff.

Some ways to improve this scene could include simplifying the location and character changes, tightening up the dialogue and action to focus on the most important plot points, and finding more organic ways to introduce tension and conflict. Additionally, thinking more deeply about the emotional arc of the characters and how these individual scenes fit into the larger story could help create a more meaningful and engaging scene.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to provide clearer transitions between the scenes. The sudden cuts between the different locations and characters can be jarring, and a smoother flow could be achieved by adding establishing shots or using more creative transitions. Also, some of the dialogue could be trimmed or condensed to make the scene more efficient and focused. Additionally, there could be more visual cues or hints to foreshadow the eventual horrific events that occur, rather than relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 5 -  Doctor's Examination
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BOULDER APARTMENT/DANNY'S BEDROOM - DAY - M.S.

DOCTOR bending over DANNY lying on top of his bed. She is
examining his eyes. WENDY standing at foot of bed.

DOCTOR
That's good, now the other one.
Good boy.

DOCTOR straightens up. She puts instrument away in case and
closes it. Then she sits on bed beside DANNY.

DOCTOR
Now Danny, when you were brushing
your teeth, do you remember if you
smelled anything funny, or saw any
bright flashing lights, or anything
at all strange?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
No.

DOCTOR (OFF)
Do you remember when you were
brushing your teeth?

DANNY
Yes.

CUT TO:
16.


M.S. DOCTOR sitting on bed beside DANNY. WENDY standing at
foot of bed.

DOCTOR
What's the next thing you remember
after you were brushing your teeth?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
Mommy saying, 'Wake up, wake up,
wake up Danny, wake up.'

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR sitting on bed beside DANNY. WENDY standing at
foot of bed.

DOCTOR
Now Danny, can you remember what
you were doing just before you
started brushing your teeth?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Talking to Tony.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Is Tony one of your animals?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
No. It's the little boy that lives
in my mouth.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Tony is his imaginary friend.
17.


DOCTOR (OFF)
Oh,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR (CONT'D)
if you were to open your mouth now,
could I see Tony?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
No.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Why not?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Because he hides.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Where does he go?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
To my stomach.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Does Tony ever tell you to do things?

M.C.S. DANNY
18.


DANNY
I don't want to talk about Tony
anymore.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR sitting on bed beside DANNY. She pats his leg
and stands up. WENDY at foot of bed.

DOCTOR
Okay. That's fine. All right Danny.

DOCTOR puts case and stethoscope in her shoulder bag.

DOCTOR
Now I'm going to ask you to do me a
favor, and stay quietly in bed for
the rest of the day. Okay?

DANNY
Do I have to?

DOCTOR
Yes, I'd like you to.

WENDY
We're just going to go into one of
the other rooms for a few minutes
and talk - then I'll come back and
check on you, okay?

DANNY
Okay.

DOCTOR
Goodbye.

WENDY & DOCTOR move R-L to open door. DOCTOR goes into the
corridor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Horror"]

Summary Danny is examined by a doctor after a strange incident. The doctor questions Danny about his imaginary friend, Tony, and his behavior leading up to the incident, but Danny becomes uncomfortable discussing it.
Strengths "The scene is well-crafted and adds to the tension and mystery of the overall plot. The dialogue is natural and engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict or action, and may feel slow-paced to some viewers."
Critique Overall, this is a solid scene. The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal important information about the character and the plot. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. The camera directions are unnecessary and distracting. It's not necessary to specify whether an shot is a medium shot or close-up unless it's essential to the story being told or the emotion being conveyed. In this scene, it doesn't really matter whether the shot is a medium or close-up, as long as we can see the characters and their facial expressions.

2. The scene could benefit from more visual interest. As it stands, there's a lot of talking heads and not much action. It might be helpful to add some visual elements to the scene to help break up the monotony. For example, we could see Danny fidgeting with a toy or drawing while the doctor talks to him.

3. The final exchange between Danny and Wendy could be stronger. It feels a little too pat and formulaic. It might be more interesting if there was a moment of tension or conflict between them, or if Wendy revealed something unexpected about her character that complicates the scene.

Overall, this is a functional scene that serves its purpose but could benefit from some small tweaks to make it more engaging.
Suggestions There are a few things that could improve this scene:

1. Show, don't tell: The dialogue could be improved by adding more visuals to show what is happening, rather than relying solely on dialogue. For example, instead of having the doctor say "she puts instrument away in case and closes it," we could see her actually doing it, which would make the scene more interesting visually.

2. Create more tension: This scene could be made more interesting if there was more tension. Perhaps there could be some indication that something is wrong with Danny, or that the doctor is suspicious of Wendy or Danny's behavior. This would create more intrigue and hold the audience's attention.

3. Develop character relationships: The relationship between Danny and Wendy, and the relationship between Wendy and the doctor, could be explored more. This would give the audience a better sense of who these characters are and how they relate to each other, which would make the scene more engaging.

4. Add more action: The scene could be made more visually interesting by adding more action. Perhaps we could see Danny doing something while he's lying on the bed, or the doctor and Wendy could be doing something while they're talking. This would make the scene more dynamic and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 6 -  Conventional Doctor Visit
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 5
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. CORRIDOR/LIVING ROOM - DAY - M.S.

DOCTOR standing in corridor. WENDY moves out of DANNY's
room and closes the door. She turns to DOCTOR.

WENDY
Shall we go into the living room?

DOCTOR
Yes.
19.


DOCTOR & WENDY walk forward along the corridor - CAMERA
TRACKS BACK before them and PANS R-L with them to Living
Room. WENDY points to sofa.

WENDY
Please...

DOCTOR
Thank you.

DOCTOR moves to sofa and sits down - WENDY sits in chair
cam.R.

DOCTOR
Mrs. Torrance, I don't think you
have anything to worry about. I'm
quite sure there is nothing
physically wrong with Danny.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he seems
absolutely fine now, but you should
have seen him.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR over WENDY. DOCTOR leans back on sofa.

DOCTOR
Oh I know. Kids can scare you to
death, but believe me these episodes
are not at all uncommon, and they
look much worse than they are.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY over DOCTOR.

WENDY
But eh what was the matter with him?

DOCTOR
Mrs. Torrance, most of the time
these episodes with kids are never
explained. They are brought on by
emotional factors, and they rarely
occur again.

CUT TO:
20.


M.S. DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
They're more akin to auto-hypnosis,
a kind of self induced trance. If
it re-occurs which I doubt

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY takes cigarette out of packet.

DOCTOR (OFF) (CONT'D)
you can always think about having
some tests done.

WENDY holds cigarette packet out towards DOCTOR.

DOCTOR (OFF)
No thank you.

She puts packet down on table.

WENDY
Oh, I'm...I'm sure you're right.

She lights cigarette from lighter.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
Have you been in Boulder long, Mrs.
Torrance?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Only about three months. Eh we're
from Vermont. My husband was
teaching school there.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR

DOCTOR
Did the appearance of Danny's
imaginary friend...?

CUT TO:
21.


M.S. WENDY over DOCTOR.

WENDY
Tony.

DOCTOR
Did Tony's first appearance happen
to coincide with your arrival here?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
No, um let's see I guess Danny
started talkin to Tony about the
time we put him into nursery school.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR over WENDY.

DOCTOR
Did he adjust well to school?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY - she shakes her head.

WENDY
No. He didn't like it too much at
first, and then he had an injury,
so we kept him out for a while,
and, yeah, I...I guess that's about
the time when I first noticed that
he was talking to Tony.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR over WENDY.

DOCTOR
What sort of injury did he have?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Ah he dislocated his shoulder.

WENDY inhales.
22.


DOCTOR (OFF)
How did he manage to do that?

WENDY
Well it's just one of those things.
You know... purely an accident, um.
My husband had oh... been drinking,
and he came home about three hours
late, so he wasn't exactly in the
greatest mood that night. And well
Danny had scattered some of his
school papers all over the room...
and my husband grabbed his arm, you
know, and pulled him away from them.
It's...it's just the sort of thing
you do a hundred times with a
child - you know, in a park or on
the streets - but on this particular
occasion my husband just... used
too much strength and he injured
Danny's arm.

CUT TO:

M.S. DOCTOR

WENDY (OFF) (CONT'D)
Anyway, something good did come out
of it all because he said:

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY (CONT'D)
"Wendy, I'm never gonna touch
another drop and if I do you can
leave me", and he didn't and he
hasn't had any alcohol in eh five
months.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposed Title over:

CLOSING DAY.

CUT TO:
23.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Wendy and the doctor discuss Danny's recent episodes. The doctor assures Wendy that they are not uncommon and are likely due to emotional factors. They also discuss Danny's imaginary friend and when he first appeared. Wendy reveals that Danny was injured while her husband was drinking, but notes that this led her husband to quit alcohol for five months.
Strengths "The scene establishes Wendy's concern for Danny and her willingness to seek medical care for him. It also provides insight into her husband's past alcoholism and his desire to change for the sake of their family."
Weaknesses "The scene's pacing is slow and there isn't much action beyond the conversation between Wendy and the doctor. Some viewers may find the scene dull or uninteresting."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some general feedback on this scene.

Overall, the scene serves its purpose in advancing the plot by revealing more about Danny's condition and backstory. However, the dialogue can feel a bit stiff and lacking in subtext. The characters simply state their thoughts and feelings rather than hinting at them through actions or veiled language.

The scene could benefit from more visual description to enhance the cinematic experience. For example, instead of just stating that the camera tracks back and pans, the writer could describe the movements and angles in more detail to create a more immersive visual experience.

Additionally, the pacing of the scene could be improved. It feels a bit slow and static, with the characters remaining seated and mostly still while they speak. Breaking up the dialogue with more action or movement could add energy to the scene and keep the audience engaged.

In summary, while the scene accomplishes its purpose in advancing the story, it could benefit from more attention to visual description, pacing, and subtext in the dialogue.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add some action or visual elements to break up the dialogues and make the scene more dynamic. For example, instead of just showing the Doctor and Wendy walking down the corridor, the camera could capture different angles and movements to add visual interest. Another suggestion would be to perhaps add some tension or conflict to the scene, such as Wendy expressing more concern about Danny's well-being or the Doctor revealing some unsettling information. This could make the scene more engaging and add to the overall plot of the movie.



Scene 7 -  Arrival at the Hotel
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAINS - DAY - L.S.

High Angle Trees on side of Mountain - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD
over them to Jack's car moving away along road.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S CAR - DAY - M.S.

WENDY sitting beside JACK as he drives along Mountain Road.
DANNY, between them, is leaning on backs of their seats.
WENDY yawns.

WENDY
Boy, we must be really high up.
The air feels so different.

JACK
Uh...huh.

DANNY
Dad?

JACK
Yes?

DANNY
I'm hungry.

JACK
Well you should have eaten your
breakfast.

WENDY
We'll get something as soon as we
get to the hotel, okay?

DANNY
Okay, Mom.

WENDY
Hey, wasn't it around here that the
Donner party got snowbound?

JACK
I think that was farther west in
the Sierras.

DANNY
What was the Donner party?
24.


JACK
There were a party of settlers in
the covered wagon times. They got
snowbound one winter in the
mountains. They had to resort to
cannabilism in order to stay alive.

DANNY
You mean they ate each other up?

JACK
They had to, in order to survive.

WENDY
Jack...

DANNY
Don't worry, Mom. I know all about
cannabilism, I saw it on T.V.

JACK
See, it's okay. He saw it all on
the television.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COLORADO MOUNTAINS - DAY - L.S.

High Angle JACK's car moving away along road on side of
mountain - CAMERA TRACKS after it.

CUT TO:

EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - DAY - L.S.

Cars parked in front of Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL/LOBBY - M.L.S.

Man cleaning floor. CAMERA TRACKS L-R. WATSON & ULLMAN
walk forward from b.g.

ULLMAN
What time does the plane leave?

WATSON
Eight thirty.

ULLMAN
Well, that still gives up plenty of
time to go over everything first.
25.


Two Girls carrying luggage enter cam.R and walk away to b.g.

GIRLS
Goodbye Mr. Ullman.

ULLMAN
Goodbye.

ULLMAN & WATSON walk L-R to JACK sitting in chair.

ULLMAN
Good morning Jack. I hope you
haven't been waiting too long.

JACK
No problem. In fact we had time to
grab a bite to eat.

JACK stands up.

ULLMAN
Good. Glad you made it before they
shut down the kitchen. Is your
family having a look around?

JACK
No, my son's discovered the games
room.

ULLMAN
Oh... Has your luggage been brought
in?

JACK points to luggage.

JACK
Right there.

ULLMAN
Oh fine. Well in view of all the
ground that we to cover today, I
suggest we go and have a quick look
at your apartment and then get
started straight away.

ULLMAN turns to WATSON.

ULLMAN
Bill, would you have the Torrances'
things brought in their apartment.

WATSON
Fine.
26.


WATSON walks out cam.L.

JACK
I'd better collect my family first.

ULLMAN
Oh...

ULLMAN laughs and they move out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["horror","drama"]

Summary The Torrance family arrive at the Overlook Hotel, where Jack has secured the position of winter caretaker. They check-in with the hotel manager, Ullman, who takes them to their apartment. As they get settled in, Jack and Wendy recount the story of the Donner Party to their son Danny.
Strengths "Provides exposition and sets up the main location of the film. Develops characters and their relationships."
Weaknesses "Lacks significant conflict or emotional impact."
Critique Firstly, the scene lacks a clear purpose. It seems to serve as an introduction to the Overlook Hotel and the main characters, but it doesn't establish any clear conflict or goal for the scene. This makes it feel slow and unengaging for the audience.

The dialogue between the characters is naturalistic, but it doesn't reveal much about their personalities or motivations. The exchange about cannibalism feels awkward and forced, and doesn't contribute to the scene in any meaningful way.

The scene could benefit from more visual description and action to create a stronger sense of the setting and the characters' emotions. As it is, the scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey information and move the plot forward.

Overall, the scene needs more focus and purpose to engage the audience and move the story forward.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more visual descriptions: This scene is primarily dialogue, with little description of the surroundings or characters' actions. Adding more visual details can make the scene more engaging for the reader and give the director and actors a clearer idea of how to bring it to life on screen.

2. Cut unnecessary dialogue: The conversation about the Donner party feels out of place and doesn't add much to the plot. Cutting this exchange would streamline the scene and make it feel more focused.

3. Add more tension: This scene feels a bit slow and uneventful. Adding some tension or conflict between the characters would make it more engaging. For example, perhaps Wendy is anxious about staying at the hotel, or Jack is resistant to working with Ullman.

4. Consider pacing: This scene takes up a significant portion of the script, considering it's only a transitional scene. Shortening it or breaking it up into smaller sections could improve the overall pace of the screenplay.

5. Clarify character motivations: It's not entirely clear why Jack and his family are at the hotel (presumably for Jack's job, but that's not stated outright). Clarifying the characters' motivations and goals could help make the scene and the overall plot more compelling.



Scene 8 -  Arrival at the Hotel
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL/COLORADO LOUNGE - DAY - M.L.S.

ULLMAN, followed by WENDY, JACK & WATSON, moves out of lift
cam.R. They walk R-L across Lounge. CAMERA TRACKS with them.

ULLMAN
This is our Colorado Lounge.

WENDY
Oh, it's beautiful.
(to Jack)
My God, this place is fantastic,
isn't it hon?

JACK
Sure is.

WENDY
God, I've never seen anything like
this before. Are all of these
Indian designs authentic?

ULLMAN
Yes, I believe they are based
mainly on Navajo and Apache motifs.

WENDY
Oh well they're really gorgeous.
As a matter of fact this is probably
the most gorgeous hotel I've ever
seen.

ULLMAN laughs.

ULLMAN
Oh this old place has had an
illustrious past. In its heyday it
was one of the stopping places for
the jet set,

They reach corner and turn, walking towards camera.
27.


ULLMAN (CONT'D)
even before anybody knew what a jet
set was. We've had four presidents
who stayed here, lots of movie stars.

WENDY
Royalty?

ULLMAN
All the best people.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL GAMES ROOM - DAY - M.C.S.

DANNY throwing darts - CAMERA TRACKS BACK & PANS L-R with
him as he walks to the dartboard. He climbs up on chair and
pulls two darts out. He looks cam.L. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on him.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY girls, holding hands, standing near open door.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY girls, holding hands. They look at one
another, then turn and exit out through open doorway.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/CARETAKER'S APARTMENT CORRIDOR - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN leads WENDY & JACK forward along corridor to
Caretaker's Apartment.

ULLMAN
This is the staff wing of the hotel.
None of the other bedrooms are
heated during the winter.

WENDY
Oh!

Two Girls carrying bags enter from cam.L.
28.


GIRLS
Goodbye Mr. Ullman.

ULLMAN
Goodbye girls.

ULLMAN waves to Girls and moves cam.R into JACK's apartment.
WENDY & JACK follow him.

ULLMAN
And here are your quarters.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL/JACK'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN, followed by WENDY and JACK, move up steps. ULLMAN
points to open door cam.R.

ULLMAN
Living Room, bedroom, bathroom, and
a small bedroom for your son.

JACK leans forward and looks in small bedroom cam.L. He
turns and looks cam.R. at ULLMAN.

JACK
Perfect for a child.

WENDY
Yeah.

ULLMAN
Yes.

They move into apartment. JACK & WENDY move away through
living room into bedroom - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

ULLMAN (OFF)
Well the place is very nicely self-
contained, easy to keep.

JACK feels bed.

JACK
Cosy.

JACK & WENDY move away and enter bathroom - CAMERA TRACKS
after them.
29.


ULLMAN (OFF)
Yes, very cosy for a family, and if
you feel like spreading out you
have the rest of the hotel to move
around in.

JACK
Well, it's very... homely.

WENDY
Yeah.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary The main characters arrive at the hotel and are shown around by the manager. Meanwhile, Danny plays alone in the games room and interacts with the ghosts of the Grady girls.
Strengths "Strong sense of setting and introduction of characters"
Weaknesses "Dialogue could be stronger and conflict is low"
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with natural dialogue between the characters and clear descriptions of their actions. However, there could be some improvements in terms of visual storytelling and pacing.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from more emphasis on visual storytelling. While there are some moments where the camera tracks with the characters, there could be more attention paid to the setting and atmosphere of the hotel. The descriptions of the Indian designs and the hotel's past are interesting, but these could be visually represented with more shots of the interior design and hotel itself. This would give the scene a greater sense of place and create a stronger visual impact.

In terms of pacing, the scene could be tightened up. The dart-throwing and Grady girls moments feel somewhat disconnected from the main action of the scene, and their inclusion slows down the momentum. Perhaps these moments could be cut or integrated more organically into the conversation between the characters.

Overall, the scene has potential with strong dialogue and clear character actions. With a focus on visual storytelling and pacing, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions First, I would suggest adding some action to the scene rather than just having the characters walk and talk. Perhaps have them interact with objects in the lounge or have some movement that adds to the atmosphere of the scene.

Secondly, it's important to make the dialogue more natural and realistic. Instead of having the characters describe everything they see, have them express their reactions in a more conversational way.

Additionally, giving the characters distinct personalities and voices can add depth to the scene. For example, maybe Jack is more reserved and doesn't have much to say, while Wendy is more talkative and enthusiastic.

Finally, consider adding some conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging. This could come in the form of a disagreement between the characters or an external factor that disrupts their conversation.

Overall, it's important to focus on creating a scene that is engaging and memorable, rather than just providing exposition.



Scene 9 -  Introduction to the Hotel and Staff
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. HOTEL/THE MAZE - DAY - L.S.

ULLMAN leading WENDY, JACK & WATSON R-L along outside of
Maze. CAMERA TRACKS & PANS with them.

ULLMAN
This is our famous hedge maze.
It's quite an attraction around
here. The walls are thirteen feet
high and the hedges are about as
old as the hotel itself. It's a
lot of fun,

They walk from end of Maze towards Hotel in b.g.

ULLMAN (CONT'D)
but I wouldn't go in there unless I
had an hour to spare to find my way
out.

Laughter.

WENDY
When was the Overlook built?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. ULLMAN leads WENDY, JACK & WATSON L-R along front of
Hotel - CAMERA TRACKS with them.

ULLMAN
Ah... construction started in 1907.
It was finished in 1909. The site
is supposed to be located on an
Indian burial ground, and I believe
they actually had to repel a few
Indian attacks as they were building
it.

ULLMAN points to red Snowcat at entrance of garage.
30.


ULLMAN
That's our Snowcat. Can you both
drive a car?

JACK & WENDY
(together)
Yes.

They walk towards SNOWCAT.

ULLMAN
That's fine because basically the
Snowcat operates very much like a
car and it won't take you long to
get the hang of it.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM/CORRIDOR - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN, JACK, WATSON & WENDY walk forward along corridor -
CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

ULLMAN
As a matter of fact we eh...
brought a decorator in from Chicago
just last year to refurbish this
part of the hotel.

WENDY
Oh well he sure did a beautiful job.
Pink and gold are my favorite colors.

ULLMAN leads WENDY, JACK & WATSON L-R into Gold Ballroom -
CAMERA TRACKS with them. Men in b.g. cleaning Ballroom.

ULLMAN
Oh...well this is our gold ballroom.

WENDY
Oh, I'll say.

ULLMAN leads them L-R across Ballroom to closed bar.

ULLMAN
We can accommodate up to three
hundred people here very comfortably.

WENDY
Boy, I bet you we could really have
a good party in this room, huh hon?
31.


ULLMAN
I'm afraid you're not going to do
too well here unless you've brought
your own supplies. We always
remove all the booze from the
premises when we shut down:

He points to shuttered bar.

ULLMAN
that reduces the insurance that we
normally have to carry.

DICK HALLORAN walks forward from b.g.

JACK
We don't drink.

ULLMAN laughs.

ULLMAN
Well then, you're in luck.

ULLMAN waves to HALLORAN/

ULLMAN
Oh Dick, come on over and say hello
to Mr. and Mrs. Torrance.

HALLORAN
Sure.

ULLMAN
This is Dick Halloran, our Head Chef.

JACK shakes hands with DICK.

JACK
Mr. Halloran, I'm Jack, and this is
my wife, Winifred.

HALLORAN
Glad to meet you, Jack.

HALLORAN shakes hands with WENDY.

HALLORAN
Glad to meet you, Winifred.

WENDY
Nice to meet you.
32.


ULLMAN
The Torrances are going to take
care of the Overlook for us this
winter.

HALLORAN
Oh, that's just great. How do you
folks like our hotel so far?

WENDY
Oh it's just wonderful.

WENDY waves out cam.L.

WENDY
Hi Danny!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["horror","drama","mystery"]

Summary The manager of the Overlook Hotel, Ullman, gives a tour of the hotel to Jack, Wendy, and Watson. They are shown the famous hedge maze, the hotel's history, the snowcat, the gold ballroom, and the head chef, Dick Halloran. Ullman warns them about the lack of alcohol during the winter season.
Strengths "The setting and history of the hotel are interesting and drags the audience in. The dialogue is engaging and flows naturally between characters."
Weaknesses "The actual conflict in the scene is lacking, and the emotional impact is minimal."
Critique Overall, the scene is a bit slow-paced and lacks tension or conflict. There is a lot of exposition through dialogue, which makes it feel more like a tour guide than a scene in a story.

To improve the scene, it would be beneficial to add some conflict, such as Ullman being hesitant to leave the Torrances alone in the hotel or having a disagreement with them about their responsibilities. Additionally, it would be helpful to add some subtext to the dialogue, such as Ullman being overly eager to please the Torrances or the Torrances hiding their true feelings about the hotel.

The scene could also benefit from more descriptive language to create a sense of atmosphere and mood, such as describing the feeling of being in the snow-covered maze or the grandeur of the gold ballroom. This would help to make the scene more engaging and immersive for the audience.

Overall, the scene could use some reworking to make it more dynamic and engaging for the audience while still conveying necessary exposition about the hotel.
Suggestions 1. Add more action to the scene. Right now, it is mainly dialogue and walking. Consider adding in more visual actions to engage the viewer. For example, the characters could interact with the maze or the Snowcat more physically.

2. Increase tension. As a screenwriting expert, I would recommend adding more foreshadowing or hints of danger to come. The mention of the Indian burial ground and attacks is a good start, but consider adding in more hints of the horrors to come.

3. Develop the characters more. So far, the characters are only defined by their names and their professions. Consider adding in more personality traits or quirks to make them more unique and interesting to watch.

4. Consider the pacing. This scene may drag on a bit, so consider tightening up the dialogue or cutting out unnecessary moments to keep the story moving.



Scene 10 -  Mrs. Torrance's Kitchen Tour
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - DAY - M.S.

SUSIE holding DANNY's hand. They walk L-R across Ballroom.
CAMERA TRACKS with them to JACK, HALLORAN, WATSON, WENDY &
ULLMAN.

SUSIE
I found him outside looking for you.

JACK
(OFF)
Danny, did you get tired
(IN SHOT)
of bombing the universe?

DANNY
Yeah.

WENDY
Danny, come on over here.

DANNY walks L-R from SUSIE to WENDY. WENDY looks at SUSIE.

WENDY
Thanks.

ULLMAN
Thank you, Susie.

SUSIE exits cam.L. ULLMAN turns to HALLORAN.
33.


ULLMAN
Dick, if you're ready to do it now,
I think it would be a good idea if
you could show Mrs. Torrance the
kitchen, while I continue on with
Jack.

HALLORAN
It will be a pleasure. Right this
way Mrs. Torrance.

WENDY
Great. See you later, hon.

HALLORAN walks away to b.g. WENDY & DANNY follow him.

JACK
Bye darling.

ULLMAN, JACK & WATSON move out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY - M.S.

WENDY holding DANNY's hand walks forward into kitchen with
HALLORAN. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

HALLORAN
Mrs. Torrance, your husband
introduced you as Winifred. Now
are you a Winnie or a Freddie?

WENDY
I'm a Wendy.

HALLORAN
Oh Wendy. That's nice. That's the
prettiest.

WENDY
God. This is the kitchen, huh?

HALLORAN
Yeah, this is it. How do you like
it, Danny? Is it big enough for you?

DANNY
Yeah, it's the biggest place I've
ever seen.

HALLORAN laughs.
34.


WENDY
Yeah. This whole place is such an
enormous maze, I feel I'll have to
leave a trail of breadcrumbs every
time I come in.

HALLORAN laughs.

HALLORAN
Don't let it get you down Mrs.
Torrance - it's big but it still
ain't nothing but a kitchen... a
lot of the stuff you'll never have
to touch.

WENDY
I wouldn't know what to do with it
if I did.

HALLORAN
Well one thing for sure, you don't
have to worry about food because
you folks could eat up here a whole
year and never have the same menu
twice.

HALLORAN points to cam.L and leans to cam.L taking hold of
door handle.

HALLORAN
Now right here is our walk-in
freezer.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - FREEZER - DAY - M.S.

HALLORAN opens door and steps into freezer. WENDY & DANNY
stand in doorway. HALLORAN points to various items.

HALLORAN
Now this is where we keep all of
out meat. You got fifteen rib
roasts - thirty ten pound bags of
hamburgers. You got twelve-
turkeys, two dozen pork roasts and
twenty legs of lamb.
(to Danny)
Do you like lamb, Doc?

DANNY
No.
35.


HALLORAN
You don't? Well what's your
favorite food then?

DANNY
French Fries and Ketchup.

HALLORAN laughs.

HALLORAN
Well I think we can manage that
too, Doc. Come along now. Watch
your step.

HALLORAN points to step by door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror"]

Summary Wendy and Danny follow Hallorann on a tour of the kitchen. They see the quality and variety of food available, and Danny admits to liking only French fries and ketchup.
Strengths "The scene has good character interactions and humor."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't advance the plot or increase tension."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene from a screenwriting perspective. Firstly, there isn't much action or conflict happening. The characters are simply walking and talking, which can make for a dull scene for the audience. Secondly, the dialogue is fairly unnatural and exposition-heavy, with characters explaining things to each other that they would realistically already know. For example, Wendy asking "God. This is the kitchen, huh?" when she is clearly already in the kitchen. Thirdly, there is no clear goal or objective for the characters in this scene, which can lead to a lack of tension and stakes. Overall, the scene could benefit from more conflict, clearer objectives for the characters, and more naturalistic dialogue.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from more action and character development. The characters feel rather flat and the dialogue is mostly functional, without much depth or personality.

One suggestion would be to add some conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging. For example, there could be a disagreement between the characters or some underlying tension that is revealed through their interactions. This could help to deepen their personalities and make the scene more interesting.

Another way to improve the scene would be to add more sensory and visual details, to help create a more immersive environment for the audience. For instance, rather than just describing the size of the kitchen, the scene could describe the sights, smells, and sounds of the space, to bring it to life. This could help to make the setting more vivid and engaging for the audience.

Finally, it might be useful to consider the pacing of the scene and how it fits into the overall structure of the film. Does it move the story forward or reveal something important about the characters? Is it necessary for the plot? By thinking carefully about the role of this scene in the larger context of the film, the screenwriter can create a more cohesive and effective screenplay.



Scene 11 -  Halloran Gives Tour of Storeroom
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 5
  • Plot: 4
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY - M.S.

DANNY & WENDY, followed by HALLORAN, come out of Freezer.

WENDY
Mr. Halloran,

HALLORAN closes the door and turns to WENDY.

WENDY (CONT'D)
how did you know we called him 'Doc'?

HALLORAN, DANNY & WENDY walk forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK
with them.

HALLORAN
Beg pardon?

WENDY
Doc. You called Danny 'Doc' twice
just now.

HALLORAN
I did?

WENDY
Yeah. We call him Doc sometimes,
you know, like in the Bugs Bunny
cartoons. But how did you know that?

HALLORAN
Well I guess I probably heard you
call him that.
36.


WENDY
Well, it's possible, but I honestly
don't remember calling him that
since we've been with you.

They all stop walking.

HALLORAN
Well anyway, he looks like a Doc,
doesn't he?

HALLORAN bends down to DANNY.

HALLORAN
(clicks his tongue)
Me ah - what's up, Doc?

HALLORAN laughs and turns away to door cam.L. He opens door.

HALLORAN
Now this is the storeroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - STOREROOM - DAY - M.S.

HALLORAN moves forward into Storeroom, followed by DANNY &
WENDY. Groceries stacked on shelves.

HALLORAN
In here, Mrs. Torrance, is where we
keep all the dried goods and the
canned goods. We got canned fruits
and vegetables; canned fish and
meats; hot and cold cereals.

HALLORAN & WENDY move L-R - CAMERA TRACKS with them past
shelf in f.g.

HALLORAN
Post Toasties, Cornflakes, Sugar
Puffs, Rice Krispies, Oatmeal,
Wheatina and Cream of Wheat.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY standing by cardboard boxes. CAMERA TRACKS IN on
him.

HALLORAN (OFF)
We got a dozen jugs of black
molasses, we got sixty boxes of
dried milk, thirty twelve pound
bags of sugar.

CUT TO:
37.


M.S. HALLORAN talks inaudibly to WENDY, back to camera.
CAMERA TRACKS IN on HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
(thought transfer)
How'd you like some ice cream, Doc?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

HALLORAN (OFF)
sociables, finger rolls and seven
kinds of what-have-you.

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN & WENDY move R-L to DANNY by open door.
CAMERA TRACKS with them.

HALLORAN
Now we got dried peaches, dried
apricots, dried raisins and dried
prunes.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["horror","drama"]

Summary Halloran shows Wendy and Danny the storeroom, pointing out the various provisions and supplies. Wendy asks how Halloran knew Danny was called 'Doc' and Halloran offers a plausible explanation.
Strengths "The scene establishes Halloran as a knowledgeable and likable character while keeping the suspense and unease lurking in the background."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't advance the plot significantly and could be seen as filler material."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and serves its purpose as an exposition scene, introducing the audience to the layout and contents of the hotel's storeroom. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Wendy and Halloran about calling Danny "Doc" comes across as a bit forced and awkward. It's not entirely clear why Wendy is asking how Halloran knew they called Danny "Doc," as it seems like a natural nickname for a young boy. This exchange could be shortened or rephrased to feel more natural.

Additionally, there is no clear motivation for Halloran's offer of ice cream to Danny. It's an odd thing to say in the middle of a conversation about grocery items, and it doesn't quite make sense without further context. This moment could be expanded upon or removed altogether.

Finally, the camera directions could be rephrased to be more concise. Instead of repeatedly stating that the camera tracks with the characters, it could simply be described as a "tracking shot" or a "move in." This would make the script easier to read and visualize.

Overall, while this scene could use some refinement, it serves its purpose in moving the story forward and providing important information to the audience.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Make the dialogue more natural and conversational. The dialogue in this scene feels a bit stilted and forced. Try to write the dialogue as if the characters are having a real conversation, with pauses and interruptions.

2. Provide more context. It's not entirely clear why this scene is important or what its purpose is. Consider adding more context or information to help the audience understand the significance of this scene.

3. Introduce more conflict or tension. The scene feels somewhat flat and uneventful. Consider adding some conflict or tension to make the scene more engaging for the audience.

4. Make the setting more interesting. The scene takes place in a hotel kitchen and storeroom, which could be a potentially interesting setting, but it's not described in detail. Consider adding more description and sensory details to make the setting come alive for the audience.

5. Develop the characters more. The characters in this scene feel a bit one-dimensional. Consider adding more depth and complexity to their personalities to make them more interesting and engaging for the audience.



Scene 12 -  Ice Cream Break
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - DAY - M.S.

HALLORAN, followed by WENDY & DANNY move out of Storeroom
cam.R.f.g.

HALLORAN
You know, Mrs. Torrance, you gotta
keep regular, if you want to be
happy.

HALLORAN laughs as he closes Storeroom door. JACK, ULLMAN &
WATSON walk forward from b.g.

ULLMAN
Hi.

WENDY
Hi.

ULLMAN
How're you getting on?

HALLORAN & WENDY
Just fine.
38.


ULLMAN
Dick, can we borrow Mrs. Torrance
for a few minutes? We're on our
way through to the basement - I
promise we won't keep her very long.

HALLORAN
No problem, Mr. Ullman. I was just
getting to the ice cream.

HALLORAN leans down to DANNY.

HALLORAN
Do you like ice cream, Doc?

DANNY
Yeah.

HALLORAN laughs.

HALLORAN
I thought you did.

HALLORAN straightens up and looks at JACK.

HALLORAN
You folks don't mind if I give
Danny some ice cream, while we're
waiting for you?

JACK
Not at all.

WENDY
No, we don't mind.

HALLORAN
Good.

WENDY
Sound good to you, Danny?

DANNY
Yeah.

WENDY
Okay. You behave yourself.

HALLORAN takes hold of DANNY's hand as ULLMAN, JACK, WENDY &
WATSON move away to b.g.

HALLORAN
Now what kind of ice cream do you
like Doc?
39.


DANNY
Chocolate.

HALLORAN
Chocolate it shall be. Come on son.

HALLORAN & DANNY move out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - GREEN CORRIDOR - DAY - M.S.

ULLMAN, JACK & WENDY - followed by WATSON - move forward.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

WENDY
It's amazing how much activity is
going on today.

ULLMAN
Yes, well the guests and some of
the staff left yesterday, but the
last day is always very hectic -
everybody wants to be on their way
as early as possible.

They turn corner and walk away along corridor.

ULLMAN
By five o'clock tonight, you'll
never know anybody was ever here.

WENDY
Just like a ghost ship, huh?

ULLMAN
Yes.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Halloran offers Danny ice cream while Ullman, Jack, and Wendy discuss the hotel's closing. They part ways briefly.
Strengths "The dialogue feels natural and adds some levity to the otherwise tense atmosphere. Halloran and Danny's interaction is charming."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't advance the plot, and the conflict level is almost nonexistent."
Critique The scene lacks conflict or any significant plot movement. It feels like a filler scene that does not add much to the overall story. The dialogue between Halloran and the Torrances is light and without substance. The only purpose of the scene seems to be to show Halloran offering ice cream to Danny.

The scene also lacks visual interest and dynamic camera movements. Most of the scene takes place in a static shot, with the characters walking around the hotel. The camera movements are routine and do little to enhance the mood or energy.

Overall, the scene needs more conflict or a stronger plot point to justify its inclusion in the story. Additionally, the visual and camera elements need to be more engaging to keep the audience interested.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more conflict or tension to the scene. As it stands, it is a relatively flat and uneventful exchange between the characters. Perhaps there could be some disagreement between Halloran and the other characters about whether or not Danny should be given ice cream. Or, maybe there could be some foreshadowing of the looming dangers of the hotel, such as strange sounds in the background or some sort of eerie atmosphere. Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful. Removing some of the extraneous small talk could help to make the scene more engaging for the audience.



Scene 13 -  Conversation with Halloran
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY - M.C.S.

HALLORAN looking down cam.R.

HALLORAN
Do you know how I knew your name
was Doc?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN - DANNY looking at HALLORAN.

CUT TO:
40.


M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
You know what I'm talking about,
don't you?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN. DANNY looking at HALLORAN.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
I can remember when I was a little
boy, my grandmother and I could
hold conversations entirely without
ever opening our mouths. She
called it shining,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

HALLORAN (OFF)(CONT'D)
and for a long time I thought it
was just the two of us that had the
shine to us.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Just like you probably thought you
was the only one. But there are
other folks, though mostly they
don't know it, or don't believe it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
How long have you been able to do it?

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN & DANNY sitting at table.
41.


HALLORAN
Why don't you want to talk about it?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
I'm not supposed to.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Who says you ain't supposed to?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Tony.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Who's Tony?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Tony's the little boy who lives in
my mouth.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Is Tony the one that tells you
things?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY
42.


DANNY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
How does he tell you things?

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN & DANNY sitting at table.

DANNY
It's like I go to sleep, and he
shows me things but when I wake up,
I can't remember everything.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Does your Mum and Dad know about
Tony?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Do they know he tell you things?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Has Tony ever told you anything
about this place? About the
Overlook Hotel?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN
43.


DANNY
I don't know.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Now think real hard, Doc. Think.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN.

DANNY
Maybe he showed me something.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Try to think what it was.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over HALLORAN.

DANNY
Mr. Halloran, are you scared of
this place?

CUT TO:

M.S. Shooting across table onto HALLORAN & DANNY.

HALLORAN
No, I'm scared of nothing here.
It's just that you know some places
are like people, some shine and
some don't. I guess you could say
the Overlook Hotel here has
something about it that's like
shining.

DANNY
Is there something bad here?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN.
44.


HALLORAN
Well, you know Doc, when something
happens it can leave a trace of
itself behind... say like is
someone burns toast.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

HALLORAN (OFF)
Well, maybe things that happened...
leave other kinds of traces behind.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Not things that anyone can notice,
but things that people who shine
can see. Just like they can see
things that haven't happened yet.
Well, sometimes they can see things
that happened a long time ago... I
think a lot of things happened
right here in this particular
hotel - over the years, and not all
of them was good.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
What about Room 237?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Room 237?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
You're scared of Room 237, ain'tcha?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN
45.


HALLORAN
No I ain't.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

DANNY
Mr. Halloran, what is in Room 237?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN

HALLORAN
Nothing. There ain't nothing in
Room 237, but you ain't got no
business going in there anyway, so
stay out! You understand, stay out!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

A MONTH LATER

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","horror"]

Summary Halloran and Danny have a conversation about their ability to shine while in the hotel kitchen. Halloran tells Danny about how other people besides them have this gift, and they talk about the history of the hotel and what may be in Room 237.
Strengths "The dialogue between Halloran and Danny is intriguing and builds suspense. The revelation that other people can shine as well adds an interesting layer to the overall plot."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks overt conflict or action, which may make it less engaging for some viewers."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and serves as an important moment of character development and exposition. However, there are a few suggestions for improvement.

Firstly, there is a lot of back and forth between close-ups of Halloran and close-ups of Danny, which can make the scene feel choppy and disjointed. It may have been more effective to include some medium shots or two-shots to break up the dialogue and add some visual variety.

Secondly, the dialogue can feel a bit overly expository at times, especially when Halloran is explaining his history with "shining." It may have been more effective to have him reveal this information more gradually throughout the film, rather than all at once in this scene.

Finally, the scene ends rather abruptly, with no clear transition to the next scene. Adding a simple fade out or cut to a new location could help smooth out the pacing.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more visual elements to the scene to make it more dynamic. Currently, there is a lot of back and forth between Halloran and Danny, but not much happening visually. Adding some movement or action in the kitchen would help make the scene more engaging. You could also try incorporating more sensory details, such as smells or sounds in the kitchen, to make the setting feel more real to the audience. Finally, consider adding some subtext to the scene – what is each character really trying to say or hide from the other? Adding layers of meaning and ambiguity can make the scene more intriguing for the viewer.



Scene 14 -  A Moment of Normalcy
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - DAY - M.L.S.

Hotel. Mountain in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.S.

WENDY pushing trolley forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK with her. She turns to cam.L and enters Lobby. CAMERA
TRACKS R-L with her across lobby.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN & LOUNGE - DAY - M.S.

DANNY sitting on tricycle. He pedals out of Kitchen into
Lounge, across it and back into Kitchen.
46.


CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR TO TORRANCE'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.S.

WENDY enters cam.L pushing trolley. She pushes it forward
along corridor. CAMERA PANS L-R with her to door of their
Apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - TORRANCE'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.C.S.

JACK asleep in bed, reflected in mirror. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.
WENDY enters cam.R carrying tray. She walks forward.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK with her. She puts tray down on table.

WENDY
Good Morning, hon. Your breakfast
is ready.

JACK
What time is it?

WENDY
It's about eleven thirty.

CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD to JACK & WENDY reflected in mirror.

JACK
Eleven thirty - Jesus!

WENDY
I guess we've been staying up too
late.

JACK
I know it.

JACK sticks his tongue out. WENDY picks up plate and glass
of orange juice.

WENDY
I made 'em just the way you like
'em, sunny side up.

JACK
Hmm, nice.

WENDY walks forward to JACK and puts plate down cam.L. She
hands him glass of orange juice and he drinks it.
47.


WENDY
It's really pretty outside. How
about taking me for a walk after
you've finished your breakfast?

JACK
Oh I suppose I oughta try to do
some writing first.

He puts empty glass down cam.L and picks up plate of eggs
and bacon.

WENDY
Any ideas yet?

JACK
Lots of ideas. No good ones.

WENDY sits down cam.R.

WENDY
Well, something'll come. It's just
a matter of settling back into the
habit of writing every day.

JACK
Yeah... that's all it is.

JACK starts to eat bacon.

WENDY
It's really nice up here, isn't it?

JACK
I love it. I really do. I've
never been this happy, or
comfortable anywhere.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Yeah. It's amazing how fast you
get used to such a big place. I
tell you, when we first came up
here, I thought it was kinda scarey.

WENDY laughs.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over WENDY.
48.


JACK
I fell in love with it right away.
When I came up here from my
interview, it was as though I had
been here before. We...we all have
moments of deja vu, but this was
ridiculous. It was almost as
though I knew what was going to be
around every corner. Ooohhhhh...

WENDY laughs.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - DAY - M.S.

Typewriter with sheet of paper in it. CAMERA TRACKS BACK
and TILTS UP onto JACK throwing ball against wall.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK back to camera throwing ball against wall.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - DAY - M.L.S.

WENDY running after DANNY from Hotel to Maze - CAMERA PANS
L-R & TRACKS with them to entrance to Maze.

WENDY
The loser has to keep American
clean, how's that?

DANNY
All right.

WENDY
And you're gonna lose. And I'm
gonna get you - you betta run fast!
Look out - I'm coming in close.
All right?

DANNY & WENDY run into Maze. CAMERA TRACKS L-R onto plan of
Maze on board.

DANNY (OFF)
You'll have to keep America clean.

CUT TO:
49.
Genres: ["horror","drama"]

Summary Wendy brings breakfast to Jack in bed and they discuss their new life at the hotel, while Danny is seen playing in the hotel and eventually running through the maze with Wendy.
Strengths "The scene provides a brief moment of respite and normalcy while still maintaining an underlying tension and unease."
Weaknesses "There is little actual plot or conflict in the scene."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and sets up a peaceful and idyllic setting for the characters to interact in. However, there are a few minor things that could be improved upon.

First, the scene lacks a clear goal or conflict for the characters to overcome. While there is some playful banter between Wendy and Danny, there's no real sense of urgency or tension. Adding a clear objective or obstacle for them to overcome would make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Secondly, the camera direction and transitions between shots could be clarified. Some of the transitions, such as the cut to the maze, are abrupt and could use a smoother flow. Additionally, the camera directions could be more specific in terms of character placement and movement within the scene.

Finally, the dialogue could use a bit more character development. While there are some hints of personality in the conversation between Jack and Wendy, it feels a bit generic and could benefit from more specific details and quirks that define their personalities. Adding more unique character traits would make the scene more memorable and help the audience connect with the characters on a deeper level.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from a clearer and more concise description of the actions and movements of the characters, as there are several instances where it is unclear where the camera is positioned and how the characters are moving within the scene. Additionally, there could be more attention given to building suspense or tension, as the scene feels somewhat flat.

One suggestion would be to focus more on the characters' emotions and motivations, particularly those of Wendy and Jack, as this would help to create more depth and complexity within the scene. For example, we could see Wendy struggling with her own fears and doubts about being in the hotel, while Jack could be dealing with his own inner turmoil and struggles with his writing.

There could also be more attention given to the setting and atmosphere of the hotel, as this could help to enhance the sense of unease and dread that is present in the story. For example, the maze outside of the hotel could be used to create a sense of disorientation and danger, while the interior could be used to set up a contrast between the opulence and beauty of the hotel and the darkness and evil that lies within it.

Overall, the scene could benefit from a stronger sense of pacing, character development, and attention to detail in terms of the setting and atmosphere. By focusing on these areas, the scene could become more engaging and suspenseful, leading to a more effective and memorable film.



Scene 15 -  Exploring the Maze and Hotel
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. MAZE - DAY - M.S.

DANNY & WENDY walking forward in Maze - CAMERA TRACKS BACK
before them.

WENDY
Okay Danny, you win. Let's take
the rest of this walking, huh?

DANNY
Okay...oh!

WENDY
Give me your hand. Oh, isn't it
beautiful.

DANNY
Yeah.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY & DANNY backs to camera walking away through
Maze - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

WENDY
Here's a dead end.

WENDY & DANNY turn at dead end and walk away along Maze.
CAMERA TRACKS after them.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.L.S.

JACK back to camera bounces ball on floor and catches it.
Then he throws it away to b.g. He walks away to model of
Maze on table by window. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after him.
He stops by model and leans on table.

CUT TO:

M.S. Shooting over model of Maze on table to JACK looking
down at it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK looking down.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAZE - DAY - L.S.

High Angle shooting down on Maze. WENDY & DANNY move
through it. CAMERA TRACKS DOWN on Maze.
50.


WENDY
Oh what a Maze. Isn't it beautiful.

DANNY
Yeah.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY & WENDY walk forward through Maze - CAMERA TRACKS
BACK before them.

WENDY
It's so pretty.

DANNY
Yeah.

WENDY
I didn't think it was going to be
this big, did you?

DANNY
No.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

TUESDAY.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - DUSK - M.L.S.

Hotel. Mountain in b.g.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DUSK - M.C.S.

WENDY's hands taking lid of can. CAMERA TRACKS BACK to
table with portable T.V. Set on it. The set is switched on.

WOMAN ANNOUNCER (OFF)
Rutherford was serving a life
sentence for his conviction in the
1968 shooting and the search
continues in the mountains near
Uray today for that missing Aspen
woman,

WENDY carries tin to bowl on table.
51.


WOMAN ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
twenty-four year old Susan Robertson
has been missing ten days. She
disappeared while on a hunting trip
with her husband. They have good
weather right now, but they may
have to call off the search if the
predicted snowstorm moves in
tomorrow.

Picture on T.V. Set changes to MAN & WOMAN.

WOMAN ANNOUNCER
But it's so beautiful here in
Denver today, it's hard to believe
a snowstorm could be that close.

MAN ANNOUNCER
I know. I want to go outside and
lie in the sun. Yet to our north,
to our west, it is snowing and
cold, and it's moving

SOUND OF CLICKS.

MAN ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
right here towards Colorado, right
now as we talk. It's incredible.

WOMAN ANNOUNCER
I know.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - CORRIDORS - M.S.

DANNY back to camera on tricycle pedals away along
corridors - CAMERA TRACKS after him. He looks at door cam.L
and slows down, stopping.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY in f.g. Number 237 on door in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY looking at number.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY in f.g. Number 237 on door in b.g.

CUT TO:
52.


M.L.S. Corridor. DANNY in f.g. gets off tricycle, and moves
R-L to door of room 237. He looks up at number - then
reaches out to door handle and turns it. Door doesn't open.
He looks up at number.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls holding hands.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY looking up at number on door. He moves L-R to
his tricycle. CAMERA PANS with him. He sits on tricycle
and pedals fast away along corridor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Horror"]

Summary Danny and Wendy explore through the maze while Jack examines the model maze. Later, Wendy watches TV and hears about a missing woman while Danny looks at room 237.
Strengths "The scene portrays the maze and hotel in a beautiful and eerie way."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict or character development."
Critique The scene lacks a clear purpose or objective for the characters. The dialogue feels forced and does not reveal any new information or further the plot. The jump cuts between different settings are abrupt and make it difficult to follow the action. The camera movements lack purpose and do not add anything to the scene. Overall, the scene needs clearer objectives for the characters, smoother transitions, and purposeful camera movements to improve its impact on the audience.
Suggestions The dialogue in this scene feels a bit repetitive, with both Wendy and Danny commenting on how beautiful the maze is multiple times. Consider cutting some of this repetitive dialogue and adding in more meaningful conversation or actions to develop their relationship and the plot. Additionally, the transition from the maze scene to the TV news scene feels sudden and disconnected. Consider adding in a transition shot or a clearer link between the two scenes. Finally, the repetition of the shot of Danny looking at the number on the door of room 237 feels unnecessary and could be shortened to keep the scene moving.



Scene 16 -  Writer's Block and Relationship Tension
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 5
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - NIGHT - M.L.S.

Lounge. JACK sitting back to camera typing at table.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD onto him.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK typing.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK back to camera typing at table in f.g. WENDY
enters cam.R.b.g. and walks forward to JACK.

WENDY
Hi, hon. How's it going?

WENDY stops cam.R of him. JACK pulls page from typewriter.

JACK
Fine.

WENDY kisses him.

WENDY
Get a lot written today?

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking up cam.L at WENDY.

JACK
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY
53.


WENDY
Hey, the weather forecast said it's
going to snow tonight.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking up cam.L at WENDY.

JACK
What do you want me to do about it?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Ah, come on hon. Don't be so
grouchy.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking up cam.L at WENDY.

JACK
I'm not being grouchy. I just want
to finish my work.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Okay. I understand. I'll come
back later on with a couple of
sandwiches for you and... maybe
you'll let me read something then.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Wendy,
(clears throat)
let me explain something to you.
Whenever you come in here and
interrupt me, you're breaking my
concentration.

JACK hits his forehead with his hand.

JACK (CONT'D)
you're distracting me,
54.


He picks up sheet of paper and tears it up. Then he throws
the pieces down.

JACK (CONT'D)
and it will then take me time to
get back to where I was, understand?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Fine. Now we're going to make a
new rule. Whenever I am in here
and you hear me typing,

JACK taps typewriter keys.

JACK (CONT'D)
or whether you don't hear me
typing, whatever the fuck you hear
me doing in here, when I am in here
that means that I am working - that
means don't come in. Now do you
think you can handle that?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Fine. Why don't you start right
now and get the fuck out of here,
hmm?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY.
55.


WENDY
Okay.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY standing cam.R of JACK back to camera sitting
at table. She turns and walks away to b.g. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK starts to type.

CUT TO:

Black Frames.

Superimposition over:

THURSDAY.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - DAY - M.L.S.

WENDY running R-L being chased by DANNY carrying snowballs.
AD LIB SHOUTS & LAUGHTER. CAMERA TRACKS R-L with them past
Hotel in b.g.

WENDY
I know you've got some.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - DAY - M.S.

JACK at window watching WENDY & DANNY playing in the snow.
CAMERA TRACKS IN to M.C.S.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

SATURDAY

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Jack is typing at a table, trying to work, when his girlfriend Wendy interrupts him. They argue about his need for concentration and her interruptions, leading to tension in their relationship. Later, Wendy is seen playing in the snow with Danny while Jack watches from inside.
Strengths "Strong dialogue and realistic depiction of relationship tension."
Weaknesses "Lack of action or development in the scene."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene, primarily with the dialogue and characterizations.

Firstly, there is a lack of clear motivation for Jack's outburst. While it may be frustrating to be interrupted while working, his anger seems disproportionate and aggressive towards Wendy. The audience needs more context and insight into Jack's struggles as a writer to understand why he is reacting this way.

Additionally, Wendy's character feels underdeveloped and only serves as a tool for Jack's outburst. She doesn't have much agency or personality beyond being an annoyance to Jack.

The dialogue also feels stilted and unnatural, lacking nuance and depth. The characters speak in a very straightforward and simplistic manner, which makes them feel one-dimensional.

Overall, this scene would benefit from more characterization and nuanced dialogue. It's important to give characters clear motivators and goals to make their actions and reactions feel genuine.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene to make it more engaging:

1. SHOW THE EMOTION: The scene could benefit from showing more emotion from both Jack and Wendy. Perhaps have them interact physically more, such as touching each other's arms or holding hands, to make their relationship more tangible to the audience.

2. ADD TENSION: It would be beneficial to add some tension or conflict between Jack and Wendy. Maybe have her reveal something that causes friction between them, or play up the power dynamic between the two characters.

3. STREAMLINE THE DIALOGUE: The dialogue could be trimmed down and made more concise to keep the audience engaged. Consider cutting out unnecessary back-and-forth exchanges or repeating information that has already been established.

4. RAISE THE STAKES: To make the scene more impactful, consider raising the stakes for the characters. For example, if Jack needs to finish his work by a certain deadline or risk losing his job, it would add urgency to the scene and make it more interesting to watch.

5. IMPROVE PACING: The pacing of the scene could be improved by giving each shot more purpose and flow. Instead of cutting to different shots just for the sake of variety, consider using the camera to emphasize certain moments or emotions.



Scene 17 -  Wendy Contacts the Rangers
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. HOTEL - DAY - M.L.S.

HOTEL in b.g. Trees and snow in f.g.

CUT TO:
56.


INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - DAY - M.L.S.

High Angle JACK sitting at table in b.g. typing.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY & OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY standing at switchboard with headset on her L.ear and
putting plugs into switchboard.

WENDY
Oh no!

WENDY puts socket into various plugs.

WENDY
I knew it!

WENDY puts headset and plug down and turns away from
switchboard. She walks R-L to door.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY walks out of switchboard - round counter and
moves forward R-L across Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before
her. She moves R-L into Office. CAMERA PANS with her. She
stops at radio set and switches it on. She pulls microphone
towards her.

WENDY
(into mike)
This is KDK 12 calling KDK 1.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - M.L.S.

RANGER seated at radio cam.L. MAN standing at filing
cabinet cam.R. GIRL seated at desk cam.R.

WENDY (OFF)
(over radio)
KDK 12 to KDK 1.

RANGER
(into mike)
This is KDK 1. We're receiving you.
Over.

CUT TO:
57.


INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY picks up microphone.

WENDY
(into mike)
Hi. This is Wendy Torrance at the
Overlook Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER seated at radio speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Hi. How are you folks getting on
up there? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY, holding mike, seated on cabinet with foot up on desk.

WENDY
(into mike)
Oh we're just fine, but our
telephones don't seem to be doing
too well. Are the lines down by
any chance? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER seated at radio, speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Yes. Quite a few of them are down,
due to the storm. Over.

WENDY
(over radio)
Any chance of them being repaired
soon? Over.

RANGER
(into mike)
Well, I wouldn't like to say. Most
winters they stay that way until
spring. Over.

CUT TO:
58.


INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY, holding mike, seated on cabinet with foot up on desk.

WENDY
(into mike)
Boy, this storm is really something,
isn't it? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio - speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Oh yes. It's one of the worst
we've had for years. Is there
anything else we can do for you,
Mrs. Torrance? Over.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY holding mike seated on cabinet with foot up on desk.

WENDY
(into mike)
I suppose not. Over.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

RANGER seated at radio - speaking into mike.

RANGER
(into mike)
Well, if you folks have any problems
up there just give us a call, and
Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - DAY - M.S.

WENDY holding mike - seated on cabinet with one foot up on
desk.
59.


RANGER
(over radio)
I think it might be a good idea if
you leave your radio on all the
time now. Over.

WENDY
(into mike)
Okay. We'll do that. It was real
nice talking to you. Bye. Over
and Out.

WENDY puts down mike.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - GREEN CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

DANNY pedals away along corridor on his tricycle. CAMERA
TRACKS after him. He exits cam.R at the end of corridor.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD along empty corridor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Wendy contacts the rangers to inquire about the telephones. They are informed that the lines are down due to the storm and may not be repaired until spring.
Strengths "Well-written dialogue that sounds authentic and helps move the plot forward."
Weaknesses "The scene is very straightforward and doesn't add much to the overall plot."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot critique the quality of the scene as it is subjective. However, I can give some feedback on the structure and formatting. The scene contains several cuts, which can be confusing for readers unless there is a clear purpose for each cut. Additionally, the dialogue is straightforward and lacks subtext, which can make it feel bland. Finally, the scene lacks visual description, which can make it challenging for the reader to understand what is happening on screen.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Add more visual interest: While the dialogue is important, the scene lacks visual interest. Consider adding some action or movement to the scene that could make it more engaging. For example, you could show Wendy fidgeting with her headset or pacing while she talks on the radio.

- Develop the characters: Right now, the scene feels very flat because the characters aren't developed. Consider adding a bit more information about the characters and their motivations to make the scene more engaging. For example, you could show Jack typing furiously because he's under a tight deadline, or Wendy nervously chewing on her fingernails because she's worried about something.

- Build tension: The scene could benefit from some tension building. Consider adding a moment where Wendy realizes the gravity of the situation, or where Ranger (or someone else) gives her some bad news over the radio.

- Add some humor: Depending on the tone of the film, you could try injecting some humor into the scene to lighten the mood. This could be something as simple as a witty retort from Ranger or a comical reaction from Wendy.



Scene 18 -  Danny's Encounter with Grady Girls
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

DANNY pedals away along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS after him.
He turns corner and stops as he sees the two GRADY Girls at
the end.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY back to camera in f.g. The two GRADY Girls at
end of corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
Hullo, Danny.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY

GRADY GIRLS (OFF)
Come and play with us.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY back to camera in f.g. The two GRADY Girls at
end of corridor.
60.


GRADY GIRLS
Come and play with us, Danny.

CUT TO:

M.S. The two GRADY Girls laying on floor covered with
bloodstains. Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g. Walls
covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. Two GRADY Girls, holding hands and standing at end of
corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
For ever...

CUT TO:

M.S. The two GRADY Girls lying on floor, covered with
bloodstains. Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g. Wall
covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY reacts.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls holding hands and standing at end of
corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
... and ever...

CUT TO:

M.S. The two GRADY Girls lying on floor covered with
bloodstains. Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g. Wall
covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls holding hands standing at end of
corridor.

GRADY GIRLS
...and ever.

CUT TO:

M.S. Two GRADY Girls lying on floor covered with bloodstains.
Bloodstained axe on floor in f.g.
61.


Wall covered with bloodstains.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY reacts. He puts hands over his eyes. Then he
opens his fingers and looks through them.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY's P.O.V. Empty corridor.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY looking through his open fingers. He lowers
his hands from his face.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY back to camera in f.g. in empty corridor.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY.

DANNY
Tony, I'm scared.

He raises up his R.hand and wiggles his forefinger as he
speaks.

TONY
Remember what Mr. Halloran said.
It's just like pictures in a book,
Danny. It isn't real.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposition over:

MONDAY.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Danny encounters the ghostly Grady Twins, who ask him to play with them forever. The scene is eerie and ominous as bloodstains and an axe are also present. Danny becomes scared and seeks comfort in Tony's advice.
Strengths "The use of the Grady Twins adds a terrifying element to the scene that is iconic of the horror genre. The visual effects and sound design are also effective in creating a sense of dread and suspense. "
Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat lacking and predictable. The scene's effectiveness also heavily relies on the audience's familiarity with the Grady Twins, which may not work for those who have not seen the previous film or read the book."
Critique Overall, the scene is effective in creating a sense of tension and mystery. The use of tracking shots as Danny pedals down the corridor and the repetition of the Grady Girls' invitation to play with them builds a sense of dread and foreboding. The use of multiple cuts to the same shot of the Grady Girls lying on the floor covered in blood, along with the bloodstains on the walls, creates a powerful visual image that sticks with the viewer.

However, the scene could benefit from some more character development. The Grady Girls are presented as mysterious and creepy, but we don't learn much about them or their connection to the hotel. Similarly, while Danny's fear is palpable, we don't know enough about his backstory or relationship with Tony to fully understand his reaction.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from some tighter editing. Some shots, like the Grady Girls holding hands at the end of the corridor, are repeated several times without adding any new information. Shortening some of these shots would help keep the tension high without becoming repetitive.

Overall, the scene is successful in building suspense and creating a memorable image, but could benefit from some fleshing out of character and tighter editing.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from some more specific and evocative descriptions to create a stronger sense of tension, fear, and horror. Here are some suggestions:

- Instead of just saying that Danny pedals away down the corridor, describe how he's feeling - is he anxious, tense, frightened? Is he trying to move quietly? Is he looking around nervously?
- When Danny first sees the Grady girls, describe the look on their faces and the tone of their voices. Do they seem friendly, or is there something unsettling about them?
- When the Grady girls first invite Danny to play with them, clarify what they mean by that. Are they asking him to come closer, or to play a game with them? Make it clear that Danny is feeling uneasy about the situation.
- When the camera cuts back to the Grady girls lying on the floor covered in blood, describe the scene in more detail. What does the blood look like? Do the girls look dead or alive? Are there any other clues or details that suggest what might have happened to them?
- When the Grady girls repeat their "for ever... and ever..." line, emphasize the sinister and creepy nature of their voices. Make it clear that Danny is getting more and more scared as they keep repeating the phrase.
- When Danny puts his hands over his eyes, describe his movements in more detail. Is he shaking or trembling? Is he breathing heavily? Make it clear that he's completely overwhelmed by the situation.
- Finally, when Tony reassures Danny that it's just like pictures in a book, make it clear whether Danny is comforted by this or not. Does he believe Tony, or is he still scared? Make the interaction between the two characters more nuanced and emotionally complex.



Scene 19 -  Danny and Wendy's Interactions
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY - M.S.

Play on Television set, CAMERA TRACKS BACK from set to
reveal WENDY, seated on sofa cam.L, watching set, DANNY
seated on floor watching set also cam.R.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Please let me give you some money.
62.


HERMIE
(on T.V.)
Oh I wouldn't think of it.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Well how can I repay you?

HERMIE
(on T.V.)
It's okay, really.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Well I'm going to have some coffee.
Would you like some?

HERMIE
(on T.V.)
Sure.

DOROTHY
(on T.V.)
Great. Sit down. Oh these
marvellous doughnuts, help yourself.
Coffee will be ready in a few
minutes.

Play on Television continues inaudibly in b.g.

DANNY
Mom?

WENDY
Yes?

DANNY
Can I go to my room and get my
fire-engine?

WENDY
Not right now, Daddy's asleep.

DANNY
I won't make any noise.

WENDY
Come on, Doc. He only went to bed
a few hours ago. Can't you wait
till later?

DANNY
I won't make a sound, I promise.
I'll tip-toe.
63.


WENDY
Well all right. But really don't
make a sound.

DANNY
I won't, Mom.

DANNY stands up and runs out cam.L.

WENDY
Make sure you come right back,
'cause I'm going to make lunch soon.
Okay?

DANNY (OFF)
Okay, Mom.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Horror"]

Summary Wendy and Danny watch TV in the lobby of the Overlook Hotel. Danny asks to retrieve his toy, but Wendy insists he waits until later. Wendy worries about waking up Jack.
Strengths "The scene creates tension with Wendy's concern about Jack's sleep. The dialogue between the TV characters hints at themes of money and power. The characters of Wendy and Danny are developed through their interaction."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action or suspense. The TV dialogue feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the story."
Critique Overall, this scene is solid in terms of plot and characterization. It establishes the relationship between Wendy and Danny, as well as their current situation in the Overlook Hotel. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. The dialogue from the TV show is a bit on-the-nose and doesn't add much to the scene. It would be more effective to either have the TV on mute or have a more subtle conversation playing in the background.

2. The camera directions could be clearer. For example, it's not immediately clear what "cam.L" and "cam.R" mean, so it would be better to specify whether the camera is on Wendy or Danny.

3. The scene could benefit from more visual cues to help underscore the tension and unease of the situation. Perhaps there could be a shot of the empty hotel lobby or a close-up of Wendy's worried expression.

Overall, this is a serviceable scene that effectively sets up the characters and their dynamic, but it could use some tightening and visual flair to really pack a punch.
Suggestions 1. Show more visually interesting actions for Wendy and Danny as they watch TV - perhaps Wendy is absentmindedly flipping through a magazine or Danny is playing with a toy in his hands. This will add more depth to the scene and make it feel less stagnant.

2. Consider adding some foreshadowing or hints at the horror to come. Maybe a chilling sound or ominous music cue could play in the background, or Wendy could glance nervously around the lobby as if she senses something is off.

3. Add some more dialogue or character development for Wendy and Danny. This scene is a good opportunity to establish their relationship and personalities in more detail. For example, maybe we see that Wendy is protective of Danny and worries about disturbing her husband, while Danny is sweet and determined to get his fire-engine.

4. Consider playing with the camera angles more, rather than just having a static shot of Wendy and Danny. Maybe there could be a close-up of Wendy's face as she watches the TV, or a bird's-eye view shot of Danny running down the hall to his room. This will make the scene feel more dynamic and visually interesting.



Scene 20 -  Father-Son Relationship
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - DAY - M.C.S.

Door opens and DANNY appears. He enters room - CAMERA
TRACKS BACK with him as he walks forward up steps. He looks
to cam.R. CAMERA PANS L-R to JACK sitting on edge of bed.
JACK looks towards camera.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK seated on bed cam.R.f.g. DANNY standing at open
door in b.g.

DANNY
Can I go to my room and get my
fire-engine?

JACK
Come here for a minute, first.

JACK holds out his hand to DANNY, who walks forward.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK sitting on bed. DANNY enters cam.L.f.g. and stops
cam.R of JACK. JACK sits DANNY on his knee and puts his
arms round him, kissing him.

JACK
How's it going, Doc?

DANNY
Okay.

CUT TO:
64.


M.S. JACK over DANNY seated on his knee.

JACK
Are you having a good time?

DANNY
Yes, Dad.

JACK
Good. I want you to have a good
time.

DANNY
I am, Dad. Dad?

JACK
Yes.

DANNY
Do you feel bad?

JACK shakes his head.

JACK
No. I'm just a little tired.

DANNY
Then why don't you go to sleep?

JACK
I can't. I have too much to do.

DANNY
Dad?

JACK
Yes?

DANNY
Do you like this hotel?

JACK smiles and looks at DANNY.

JACK
Yes I do. I love it. Don't you?

DANNY
I guess so.

JACK
Good. I want you to like it here.
I wish we could stay here for ever,
and ever... ever.
65.


DANNY
Dad?

JACK
What?

DANNY
You wouldn't ever hurt Mummy and
me, would you?

JACK
What do you mean?

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY over JACK.

JACK
Did your mother ever say that to
you - that I would hurt you?

DANNY
No, Dad.

JACK
Are you sure?

DANNY
Yes, Dad.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over DANNY.

JACK
I love you, Danny. I love you more
than anything else in the whole
world, and I'd never do anything to
hurt you, never... You know that,
don't you, huh?

DANNY
Yes, Dad.

JACK
Good.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES

Superimposition over:
66.


WEDNESDAY

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Shooting across snow to Hotel in b.g. Three lit windows.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR TO ROOM 237 - M.C.S.

High Angle - DANNY playing on floor with toy cars and trucks.
CAMERA TRACKS UP & BACK - yellow ball rolls in from f.g. and
stops by one of DANNY's trucks. DANNY looks up.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY, back to camera, in f.g. looking away along
empty corridor.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY kneeling on the floor by his toys. He stands up.

DANNY
Mom?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY, back to camera, in f.g. Empty corridor in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY walks forward along corridor - CAMERA TRACKS BACK
with him.

DANNY
Mom?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. Empty corridor. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD to open door
of Room 237.

DANNY (OFF)
Mom, are you in there?

CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD into room.

DISSOLVE TO:
67.
Genres: []

Summary Jack spends time with his son Danny, assuring him that he loves him and would never hurt him or his mother. Danny goes off to look for his mother.
Strengths "Heartwarming interactions between Jack and Danny showcase the loving father-son relationship, adding depth to the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear objective or plot progression, serving primarily to establish character relationships."
Critique Overall, the scene has strong emotional beats, but there are a few areas where the writing could be tightened up to enhance the impact.

First, the scene starts with a lot of unnecessary camera direction that pulls the reader out of the story. Instead of focusing on the action and dialogue, the scene starts with a list of camera movements that don't add much to the scene. The first shot could simply be "Danny enters the room and walks toward Jack." This would allow the reader to focus on the interaction between the characters rather than the camera work.

Second, there is a repetition of camera direction in the scene that could be eliminated to streamline the pacing. For example, in the middle of the scene, there is a shot of Danny on Jack's knee that is described twice with slightly different wording. This slows down the scene and takes away from the emotional impact of the conversation.

Third, there are a few places where the dialogue could be made more specific to the characters and situation. For instance, when Jack asks Danny if he likes the hotel, Danny's response is "I guess so." This doesn't add much to the scene and doesn't give the reader any insight into Danny's feelings. It would be more effective if Danny responded with something that showed his personality or interests, such as "Yeah, I love the pool!" or "It's okay, but I miss our house."

Overall, the scene is effective in showing the bond between Jack and Danny, and the tension that's building in the story. With some adjustments to the writing, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the stakes: Instead of having the scene be solely a conversation between Jack and Danny, we could add tension by highlighting the external conflict - maybe Jack is supposed to meet someone or do something important that evening, but his time with Danny is causing him to run behind schedule. This can create a sense of urgency and make their conversation even more meaningful.

2. Use visuals: The dialogue in the scene is important, but it could be supplemented with more visual cues to build up Jack and Danny's relationship. For example, we could show them playing with Danny's toy cars together or doing an activity that they both enjoy. This would add a layer of depth to their bond and make the scene feel less stagnant.

3. Cut down on dialogue: While the dialogue is important, it could be trimmed down to make the scene feel more natural. We could have Jack show his affection for Danny through nonverbal actions, like ruffling his hair or giving him a hug, rather than reiterating how much he loves him over and over again.

4. Foreshadowing: The scene could be made more impactful if there was some foreshadowing of what is to come for Jack and his family. Maybe Danny mentions that he's scared of the hotel or that he's heard strange noises at night - this can create a sense of unease and hint at the horrors that await.

5. Use the setting: The hotel in which Jack and Danny are staying is a major part of the story, and we could use the setting to add depth to the scene. Maybe the camera could linger on the eerie artwork hanging on the walls or show glimpses of the strange occurrences happening around the hotel. This can create a sense of foreboding and add to the mood of the scene.



Scene 21 -  Jack's Nightmare
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - BOILER ROOM - M.S.

WENDY, holding clipboard. She looks at dials on boiler -
then moves R-L to second boiler. CAMERA PANS with her. She
looks at dials - then moves R-L to switchboard and presses
two switches. She reacts as she hears JACK off groaning in
his sleep. She puts down clipboard and moves L-R. CAMERA
PANS with her. She starts to run away to entrance.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - M.S.

JACK leaning forward in chair with head resting on table.
He groans and cries out as he sleeps. CAMERA TRACKS IN on
them.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR TO LOUNGE - M.S.

WENDY running away along corridor - CAMERA TRACKS after her.

WENDY
Jack...

WENDY turns corner to entrance to Lounge.

WENDY
Jack... Jack...

WENDY runs forward into Lounge and goes to JACK asleep at
table. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD.

WENDY
Jack, honey, what's wrong?

She puts her hands on his arm and back. JACK stirs and
falls off chair onto floor.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK groans as he lies on floor. WENDY enters cam.R
and takes hold of his arm, assisting up onto his knees. He
groans and gasps.

WENDY
What happened, honey? Hon? What's
wrong? Jack!

She smoothes his hair with her hand.
68.


JACK
I had... I had the most terrible
nightmare I ever had. It's the
most horrible dream I ever had.

WENDY
It's okay. It's okay, now. Really.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK & WENDY

JACK
I dreamed that I... that I killed
you and Danny.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over WENDY.

JACK
But I didn't just kill you, I cut
you up into little pieces.

He puts his hand up to his eyes.

JACK
Oh...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK handed up to his eyes - and WENDY.

JACK
My God, I must be losing my mind!

He lowers his hand.

WENDY
Every...everything is just going to
be all right. Come on. Here let's
get up off the floor.

WENDY puts hand under his arm and he starts to rise.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - LOUNGE - M.L.S.

DANNY back to camera in f.g. walks into Lounge. In b.g.
WENDY helps JACK up into his chair. INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.
WENDY turns to DANNY and throws up her arm. CAMERA TRACKS
FORWARD with DANNY.
69.


WENDY
Danny! Everything's okay... Just
go play in your room for a while.
Your Dad's just got a headache.
Danny - mind what I say. Go play
in your room!

WENDY bends down to JACK.

WENDY
Hon, let me just go and get him out
of here. I'll be right back.

WENDY moves R-L behind table and moves forward to DANNY in
f.g.

WENDY
Danny, why don't you mind me - huh?
Danny.

She crouches down before DANNY and turns him cam.L to face
her, and the window. He is sucking his thumb. She sees
mark on his neck and tilts his head over sideways.

WENDY
Oh my God! Danny what happened to
your neck? Danny...

She pulls DANNY's thumb out of his mouth.

WENDY (CONT'D)
what happened to your neck, huh?

She puts her arms round him.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK, back to camera, leaning back in chair in f.g.
WENDY kneeling with her arms round DANNY in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK sitting in chair with his hand up to his head.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK back to camera leaning back in chair in f.g.
WENDY kneeling with her arms round DANNY in b.g. She stands
up and lifts DANNY up in her arms.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding DANNY in her arms.
70.


WENDY
You did this to him, didn't you?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

WENDY (OFF)
You son of a bitch! You did this
to him,

He shakes his head.

WENDY (OFF)(CONT'D)
didn't you?

He shakes his head.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY with DANNY in her arms moves backwards.

WENDY
How could you? How could you?

She turns and runs away to entrance in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK. He lowers his hand.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Wendy checks the boilers, hears Jack groaning in his sleep, runs to the lounge where Jack is having a terrible nightmare. Wendy wakes Jack and consoles him. Danny enters the room and Wendy takes him away and finds a mark on his neck.
Strengths "The scene builds up tension through the suspenseful music and Jack's nightmare. Wendy's concern for her family enhances the emotional impact of the scene. The mark on Danny's neck creates a sense of urgency and danger."
Weaknesses "The scene drags on a bit between Jack's nightmare and Wendy finding the mark on Danny's neck."
Critique Overall, the scene feels a bit disjointed and could benefit from some tightening up. There are a few moments where the camera lingers on some actions that don't quite add to the story.

The first shot of Wendy in the boiler room could be shortened, as the audience doesn't need to see her look at every single dial. The camera could focus on her reaction to hearing Jack instead, which would add more tension.

The transition from Wendy running away to the Lounge to Jack leaning forward in his chair also feels abrupt. It might work better to have a quick establishing shot of the Lounge before cutting to Jack.

The dialogue between Wendy and Jack could also be sharpened up a bit. It's not clear why Wendy runs to the entrance of the Lounge and calls for Jack before realizing he's in there sleeping. It might be more effective to have her go straight to him.

Overall, the scene does a good job of building tension and setting up some of the conflicts that will drive the rest of the story. With some editing, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more tension and suspense to the scene. The current scene lacks any sort of buildup or pay-off. Consider adding some scary music or sound effects to create a more ominous atmosphere.

2. Show more of Jack's nightmare. The scene could benefit from a suspenseful dream sequence that highlights the horror that Jack is experiencing.

3. Add more dialogue to reveal the characters' thoughts and feelings. The current scene is mostly visual, but more dialogue would help to develop the characters and build their relationships.

4. Show more close-ups of the characters' faces to convey their emotions. The current scene tends to rely on medium shots, but close-ups would help to convey the characters' fear and anxiety.

5. Establish the geography of the hotel. The current scene jumps around the hotel too much, which can be disorienting for the viewer. Consider adding establishing shots to show the layout of the hotel and where the characters are in relation to each other.



Scene 22 -  Jack's Descent into Alcoholism
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

JACK enters cam.L in b.g. and walks forward. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK before him. He mutters and flings his arms about. He
stops and looks at notice on trestle - "THE GOLD ROOM." JACK
moves L-R into entrance of Ballroom. He reaches out cam.L
and switches on lights - then moves away to lit bar in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM - M.L.S.

JACK walks L-R across Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS & PANS with
him to bar.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK leans over counter and looks down.
71.


JACK
(to himself)
God, I'd give anything for a drink?

JACK sits down and puts his hands up to his face.

JACK
My goddam soul, just a glass of beer.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK with his hands up to his face. He lowers his
hands and looks - he lowers hands to bar and smiles.

JACK
Hi Lloyd.

JACK looks cam.R then back at camera.

JACK
A little slow tonight, isn't it?

JACK laughs.

CUT TO:

M.S. LLOYD standing behind bar.

LLOYD
Yes, it is, Mr. Torrance.

LLOYD moves forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK revealing JACK
seated at bar.

LLOYD
What'll it be?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Now I'm awfully glad you asked me
that, Lloyd, because I just happen
to have two twenties and two tens
right here in my wallet. I was
afraid they were going to be there
until next April. So here's what:
you slip me a bottle of Bourbon, a
glass and some ice. You can do
that, can't you, Lloyd? You're not
to busy, are you?

CUT TO:
72.


M.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
No, sir. I'm not busy at all.

LLOYD turns away to bottles of shelf.

JACK (OFF)
Good man.

LLOYD turns with bottle and glass to counter.

JACK (OFF)
You set them up, and I'll knock
them back, Lloyd, one by one.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK sitting at bar. LLOYD puts bottle and glass down
on bar. LLOYD puts ice in glass and fills it from bottle.

JACK
White man's burden, Lloyd my man.
White man's burden.

JACK looks at his wallet then at LLOYD.

JACK
Say, Lloyd, it seems I'm temporarily
light.

JACK laughs.

JACK
How's my credit in this joint anyway?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Your credit's fine, Mr. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
That's swell. I like you, Lloyd.
I always liked you. You were
always the best of them.
(MORE)
73.


JACK (CONT'D)
Best goddamned bartender from
Timbuctoo to Portland Maine -
Portland Oregon for that matter.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Thank you for saying so.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK looks at his glass.

JACK
Here's to five miserable months on
the wagon and all the irreparable
harm that it's caused me.

He drinks and lowers his glass - then looks at LLOYD.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK sitting at bar. LLOYD behind bar.

LLOYD
How are things going, Mr. Torrance?

JACK
Things could be better, Lloyd.
Things could be a whole lot better.

LLOYD
I hope it's nothing serious.

JACK taps on bar and LLOYD fills up his glass.

JACK
No, nothing serious.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Just a little problem with the...
old sperm bank upstairs.

JACK laughs.
74.


JACK
Nothing that I can't handle though,
Lloyd. Thanks.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Women! Can't live with 'em. Can't
live without 'em!

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. He points finger at LLOYD.

JACK
Words of wisdom, Lloyd. Words of
wisdom.

JACK drinks - then swirls drink round in glass, putting
glass down on counter.

JACK
I haven't laid a hand on him.
Goddam it, I didn't. I wouldn't
touch one hair of his goddam little
head. I love the little son-of-a-
bitch.

JACK laughs.

JACK
I'd do anything for him. Any
fucking thing for him.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

JACK (OFF)
That damn bitch.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
As long as I live she'll never let
me forget what happened!

He looks cam.L then cam.R -- throwing his hands out and
sighing.
75.


JACK
I did hurt him once, okay? It was
an accident, complete unintentional.
It could have happened to anybody.

He raps on counter with hand.

JACK
And it was three goddam years ago.
The little fucker had thrown all my
papers all over the floor. All I
tried to do was to pull him up. A
momentary loss of muscular
coordination. I mean... A few
extra foot pounds of energy, per
second... per second.

JACK gestures with his hands.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","thriller"]

Summary Jack enters the hotel ballroom corridor and walks to the bar, where he asks for a bottle of bourbon. He talks to Lloyd, the bartender, and reminisces about his past. He reveals his struggles with staying sober and talks about an incident with his son.
Strengths "Strong character development for Jack and Lloyd. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about Jack's past and struggles."
Weaknesses "The scene could be seen as slow-paced and not impactful enough in terms of plot."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I have a few critiques for the above scene. Firstly, the scene lacks any clear conflict or tension. It feels like a series of mundane actions and conversations with no clear stakes or driving force. Additionally, there is a lack of specificity in the dialogue which makes it feel like filler rather than purposeful storytelling.

Furthermore, the scene includes a lot of camera directions which are unnecessary in a screenplay. These should be left to the director and cinematographer to interpret and visualize on set. The scene would benefit from a focus on character development and adding emotional depth to Jack's struggles rather than just surface-level dialogue.

Overall, the scene needs more purpose and depth in order to engage the audience and drive the story forward.
Suggestions To improve this scene, it is important to focus on the storytelling and characterization. The dialogue could be more concise and meaningful. Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more tension and conflict: Instead of just having Jack ordering a drink and chatting with Lloyd, there could be more conflict between them. Perhaps Lloyd could sense something is wrong with Jack and try to talk to him about it, but Jack dismisses him. Or, there could be another character present who expresses distrust towards Jack, adding tension to the scene.

2. Develop Jack's character: Instead of just having Jack rambling on about his personal life, there could be more revealing moments that show his inner struggles and motivations. For example, he could share a story about a past job or a personal loss that sheds light on his character and his current situation.

3. Cut down on the dialogue: Many of the lines in this scene could be shorter and punchier, making the dialogue more impactful. For example, instead of Jack saying "God, I'd give anything for a drink?" he could simply say "Whiskey, please". This would make the scene more focused and engaging.

4. Focus on visual storytelling: The scene description could be more visually descriptive, giving the reader a sense of the environment and the characters' body language. For example, instead of just saying "JACK sits down and puts his hands up to his face", the description could say "JACK slumps onto the barstool, his head in his hands, his shoulders hunched forward." This would add depth and nuance to the scene.



Scene 23 -  Revealing the Truth
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - BALLROOM CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

WENDY, sobbing, runs forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK with her and PANS L-R into Ballroom. She runs away to
JACK sitting at bat in b.g.

WENDY
Oh Jack!
(sobs)
Thank God you're here.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - M.S.

JACK sitting back to camera at bar. WENDY enters cam.R.

WENDY
(OFF)
Jack,
(IN SHOT)
Jack, there's someone else in the
hotel with us. There's a crazy
woman in one of the rooms. She
tried to strangle Danny.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK
76.


JACK
Are you out of your fucking mind?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY over JACK.

WENDY
No. It's the truth, really. I
swear it. Danny told me. He went
up into one of the bedrooms, the
door was open, and he saw this
crazy woman in the bath-tub. She
tried to strangle him.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Which room was it?

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI APARTMENT - M.C.S.

Montage of shots on T.V. Set for program "NEWSWATCH."

DISC JOCKEY (OFF)
(on T.V.)
From Channel 10 in Miami, this is
Newswatch - with Glen Rinker and
Bishop, and the award winning
Newswatch team.

CAMERA TRACKS BACK to reveal T.V. Set. HALLORAN's bare feet
and legs on bed in f.g. Shot of GLEN RINKER on T.V. Set
with superimposed title:

'10 GLEN RINKER WPLG MIAMI'

GLEN RINKER
(on T.V.)
Good evening. I'm Glen Rinker
Newswatch 10. While Miami continues
to swelter in a record winter
heatwave bringing temperatures to
the mid and upper nineties, the
Central and Rocky Mountain States
are buried in snow.
(MORE)
77.


GLEN RINKER (CONT'D)
In Colorado ten inches of snow has
fallen in just a few hours tonight.
Travel in the Rockies is almost
impossible.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN - CAMERA TRACKS BACK to reveal him lying on
bed, watching T.V.

GLEN RINKER (OFF)
(on T.V.)
Airports are shut down stranding
thousands of passengers. Highways
are blocked by snowdrifts. Railroad
tracks are frozen. Officials in
Colorado tell Newswatch at least
three people have been killed by
exposure to freezing winds. The
Governor of Colorado is expected
tomorrow to declare a weather
emergency. The National Guard
might be called out to clear
streets and roads. Weather
forecasters predict more snow and
heavy winds tonight and tomorrow,
with temperatures dropping well
below zero.

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN's feet and legs on beg in f.g. GLEN RINKER on
T.V. Set at foot of bed.

GLEN RINKER
(on T.V.)
Back here in South Florida, we've
got just the opposite problem; the
heat and humidity are supposed to
climb.

CUT TO:

M.S. HALLORAN lying on pillows. CAMERA TRACKS IN to C.S.
his face, as he reacts.

GLEN RINKER (OFF)
(on T.V.)
Local beaches should be jammed.
Our weather expert Walter Cronice
will have the local forecast later
on.
78.


COMMENTATOR continues inaudibly in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

Open door of Room 237.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY, his head shaking.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Wendy informs Jack about the crazy woman who tried to strangle Danny in one of the hotel rooms, while Halloran watches the news of a record-breaking snowstorm in Colorado.
Strengths "The tension and suspense in the scene are palpable, especially with the news of the snowstorm juxtaposed with the horror at the hotel. The dialogue is succinct yet effective in conveying the urgency and fear."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more visually stimulating elements, as most of the action takes place in dialogue and TV news footage."
Critique The scene does a good job of building tension and suspense, particularly with Wendy's introduction and her frantic news of a crazy woman in the hotel. However, there are a few things that could be improved. Firstly, the camera direction could be clearer - it's not always apparent which character is on camera and which character is off (such as Wendy's opening shot). Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit stilted and unnatural, particularly with Jack's abrupt change in tone from disbelief to wanting to know which room the woman is in. Finally, the montage of shots on the TV feels a bit disjointed from the rest of the scene and could be integrated more smoothly. Overall, the scene has potential but could use some polishing.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Establish the location and situation better at the beginning of the scene. For example, a brief description of the hotel and why Wendy is upset could be helpful.
- When Wendy enters the shot, give her a clear intention and motivation for why she is approaching Jack and what she hopes to achieve.
- Consider cutting down on some of the back-and-forth dialogue between Jack and Wendy to make the scene feel more dynamic. This can be achieved by condensing some of their dialogue or by having them take more physical action in the scene.
- Add more visual details to make the scene more interesting and engaging for the viewer. For example, include close-ups of the characters' faces to show their emotions, or shots of the hotel's architecture to help establish the setting.
- Consider adding music or sound effects to enhance the mood and tension of the scene. This could help to indicate when the scene is shifting to a new location or when the characters are feeling particularly emotional.



Scene 24 -  Room 237
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S.

Mantlepiece and fireplace. CAMERA PANS R-L across room to
open door. Then TRACKS FORWARD through doorway to slightly
open door of bathroom. CAMERA STOPS TRACKING. Door swings
open to reveal YOUNG LADY seated in bath behind curtain.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

CUT TO:

M.S. YOUNG LADY seated in bath behind curtain. She draws
curtain aside with hand.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he smiles.

CUT TO:

M.S. YOUNG LADY stands up in bath.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

CUT TO:

M.S. YOUNG LADY steps out of bath.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he smiles.

CUT TO:
79.


M.S. YOUNG LADY walks forward from bath and stops in f.g.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he moves forward.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward to YOUNG LADY - she puts her arms
round his neck. He puts his arms round her and they kiss.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over YOUNG LADY as they kiss. He opens his eyes
and reacts. He pulls back from YOUNG LADY - CAMERA PANS L-R
onto mirror. JACK & WOMAN reflected in it. He sees that
she is covered with scars. He takes his arms away from
her - she starts to laugh.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY - he is shaking his head. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - BATHROOM - M.S.

ELDERLY WOMAN lying in water in bath. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK shaking his head as he backs out of bathroom.

CUT TO:

M.S. Naked ELDERLY WOMAN laughing as she walks forward with
outstretched arms.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY shaking his head. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S.

Naked ELDERLY WOMAN lying in water in bath. WOMAN LAUGHING
OFF.

CUT TO:
80.


M.S. JACK backs down steps into living room - WOMAN LAUGHING
OFF.

CUT TO:

M.S. Naked ELDERLY WOMAN laughing, as she walks forward with
outstretched arms.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - C.S.

DANNY shaking his head. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S.

Naked ELDERLY WOMAN lying in water in bath. She starts to
sit up. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK backs out of Room 237 into corridor. He closes the
door and locks it - then backs away along corridor. He
exits cam.L. WOMAN LAUGHING OFF.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MIAMI APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN telephone up to ear. He dials number, then picks
up phone and walks R-L to window. He turns and walks back
L-R. He puts phone down.

OPERATOR
(over phone)
We are sorry your call cannot be
completed as dialed. If you need
assistance, please call the operator.

He puts telephone down.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary Jack discovers an elderly naked woman with scars in the bathroom of Room 237. He tries to distance himself from her, but she keeps appearing in different parts of the hotel. Meanwhile, Danny's psychic abilities lead him to sense something is wrong.
Strengths "Eerie atmosphere and tension buildup."
Weaknesses "Lack of clear explanation for the woman's appearance and purpose."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene could benefit from more description and detail, particularly in regards to the characters' emotions and motivations. While the actions of the scene are clear, we are not given much insight into the characters' thoughts or feelings. For example, we see Jack smile, but we don't know why he is smiling or what he is thinking. Similarly, when he pulls back from the young lady in the bath, we don't know what specifically causes him to react that way.

Additionally, the scene could be strengthened by incorporating more visual and sensory details, such as the temperature of the bath water or the scent of the room. These details can help immerse the audience in the scene and create a more vivid and compelling experience.

Overall, while the scene is functional in terms of advancing the plot, it could benefit from more attention to character development and sensory details.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene would be to provide more clarity and detail in the action lines. For example, instead of just stating "M.S. JACK" or "M.S. YOUNG LADY," it would be helpful to describe their physical appearance and emotions. This would help viewers connect with the characters and understand their motivations.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more natural and realistic dialogue. The current dialogue between Jack and the young lady feels contrived and predictable. Adding more depth and nuance to the conversations would make the scene feel more authentic and engaging.

Finally, the scene could use more visual elements to heighten the tension and suspense. For example, adding music or sound effects to build up the suspense would create a more immersive and exciting experience for viewers.



Scene 25 -  Investigating Danny's Claim
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY moves R-L in b.g. sobbing. KNOCK ON DOOR OFF. She
reacts and runs forward.

WENDY
Jack?
81.


JACK (OFF)
Yes, it's me.

She moves R-L. CAMERA PANS with her down steps to front
door. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after her.

WENDY
Oh, thank God!

WENDY takes chain off door and opens it. JACK enters
apartment.

WENDY
Did you find anything?

JACK
No, nothing at all.

JACK closes front door.

JACK
I didn't see one goddam thing.

JACK & WENDY walks forward and move up steps to DANNY's
bedroom. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before them.

WENDY
You went into the room Danny said -
to 237?

JACK
Yes, I did.

WENDY
And you didn't see anything at all?

JACK
Absolutely nothing. How is he?

JACK moves R-L and looks into darkened bedroom.

WENDY
He's still asleep.

JACK
Good.

JACK closes bedroom door and turns to WENDY.

JACK
I'm sure he'll be himself again in
the morning.
82.


They move L-R into Living Room. CAMERA PANS with them and
TRACKS after them across room.

WENDY
Well, are you sure it was the right
room? I mean, maybe Danny made a
mistake?

WENDY & JACK move into their bedroom.

JACK
He must have gone into that room -
the door was open and the lights
were on.

WENDY sits on bed.

WENDY
Oh, I just don't understand.

JACK sits down on bed beside her.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY sobbing.

WENDY
Well what about those bruises on
his neck?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over WENDY.

WENDY
Somebody did that to him.

JACK
I think he did it to himself.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY shakes her head.

WENDY
No! No, that's not possible.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK over WENDY.
83.


JACK
Wendy, once you rule out his
version of what happened, there is
no other explanation - is there?
It wouldn't be that different from
the episode that he had before we
came up here, would it?

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.S.

DANNY lying awake on his bed. CAMERA TRACKS IN on him.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack, whatever the explanation is,

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle Door with word "MURDER" written backwards
across it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY lying awake on his bed. CAMERA TRACKS IN on him.

WENDY (OFF)
I think we have to get Danny out of
here.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK over WENDY.

JACK
Get him out of here?

WENDY
Yes.

JACK
You mean just leave the hotel?

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:
84.


INT. DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

Blood gushing forward from lifts and surging up into camera
lens.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["drama","horror"]

Summary Wendy and Jack return to their apartment after searching for any signs of paranormal activity in the hotel. They discuss if Danny's claims are true and consider leaving the hotel to keep him safe. Meanwhile, Danny lays awake in his room, and the camera pans to a mysterious door with the word 'MURDER' written on it.
Strengths "The tension between Wendy and Jack regarding Danny's safety adds to the suspense. The mysterious 'MURDER' door adds a sense of foreboding. "
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and relies heavily on dialogue."
Critique As a screenwriting AI model, I don't have personal opinions about how to critique writing style, but I can provide you with some structural and formatting issues in the scene:

- Lack of description: The scene is lacking in visual description, which makes it hard for readers to get a clear image of the environment and setting.

- Lack of character introduction: There is no introduction or explanation for the characters, so the readers may not have a clear understanding of who they are and their relationship with each other.

- Confusing camera directions: The camera directions are not clear and may be hard to follow for readers.

- Inconsistent scene headings: The scene headings are inconsistent, with some being too specific and others not specific enough.

- Unnecessary cuts and transitions: The cuts and transitions between scenes seem abrupt and unnecessary, which can disrupt the flow of the story.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more description and clarification of characters and setting, as well as clearer camera directions and scene headings.
Suggestions 1. Provide more context and exposition: The scene could benefit from more information about what led up to this moment and what the characters are feeling. Are they scared? Desperate? Confused? Giving the audience more insight into their emotional states can make the scene more engaging.

2. Increase tension and stakes: While there is some tension in the scene (i.e. not finding anything in room 237), it could benefit from even higher stakes. Adding a sense of urgency or danger can keep the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

3. Use visual storytelling: While the dialogue serves to move the plot forward, the scene could use more visual storytelling to bring it to life. By showing more than telling, the scene can become more cinematic and engaging. This could be accomplished through the use of details, camera angles, and lighting.

4. Consider the pacing: The scene could benefit from a faster pace to keep the momentum going. This could be achieved by trimming some of the dialogue or condensing certain actions. However, it's important not to sacrifice clarity or character development in the name of speed.



Scene 26 -  Jack lashes out at Wendy and destroys objects in the kitchen
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.C.S.

JACK over WENDY.

JACK
It is so fucking typical of you to
create a problem like this when I
finally have a chance to accomplish
something. When I'm really into my
work. I could really write my own
ticket if I went back to Boulder
now, couldn't I?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY & JACK sitting on bed - JACK stands up and turns
to her.

JACK
Shovellings out driveways, work in
a car wash - any of that appeal to
you?

WENDY
Jack...

JACK
Wendy, I have let you fuck up my
life so far, but I'm not going to
let you fuck this up!

He starts to move away.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK walks forward from WENDY, sitting on bed. He
crosses living room and CAMERA PANS R-L with him to steps
leading to front door. He walks away down steps, opens
front door and walks away along corridor.

CUT TO:
85.


M.S. WENDY sitting on bed, starts to cry. She leans forward
and buries her face in her hands.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.L.S.

JACK moves forward in kitchen. He sweeps coffee pot off
table onto floor. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him. He kicks
coffee pots on floor, then sweeps rings off stove onto floor.
He kicks rings as he leaves kitchen, moving into corridor.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him. He stops and looks ahead.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR LEADING TO BALLROOM - M.L.S.

Empty corridor. Balloons and streamers strewn about.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD.

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN standing, phone up to ear.

RANGER
(over phone)
Good evening. Forest Service.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Hallo. My name's Dick Halloran.
I'm the Head Chef up at the Overlook
Hotel.

RANGER
(over phone)
Good evening, Mr. Halloran. What
can I do for you?

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Sir, I've been trying to make an
urgent phone call up there,

He picks up phone and walks R-L to window. CAMERA PANS with
him.

HALLORAN (CONT'D)
(into phone)
but the operator said that the
phone lines are down.

CUT TO:
86.


INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio with phone to ear.

RANGER
(into phone)
Yes, I'm afraid a lot of lines
around here are down, due to the
storm.

CUT TO:

INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear, at window.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Well, look sir, I hate to put you
to any trouble, but there's a
family up there all by themselves
with a young kid, and with this
storm and everything.

HALLORAN moves L-R. CAMERA TRACKS with him. He puts phone
on table.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
I'd sure appreciate it if you'd
give them a call on your radio just
to see if everything is okay.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio, phone to ear.

RANGER
(into phone)
I'd be glad to do that, sir. Oh
why don't you call me back in about
eh twenty minutes?

HALLORAN
(over phone)
Thank you very much. I'll do that.

RANGER
(into phone)
All right, sir.
87.


RANGER puts phone down.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack unleashes his frustration at Wendy for causing problems in his life, and destroys various items in the kitchen before making a call to check on the safety of a family at the hotel.
Strengths "Strong character development and conflict."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels cliched."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some critiques on the given scene. The scene seems to be from the movie "The Shining," and it portrays two simultaneous events happening in different locations - one where Jack argues with Wendy, and another where Halloran tries to reach the ranger's office to check on the convenience of the family staying at Overlook Hotel.

The scene is well-written, and the dialogue between Jack and Wendy creates tension and emotional resonance. The use of expletives, such as "fucking," adds to the realism and the sense of urgency in the scene. However, as a critique, some parts of the scene do feel slightly repetitive. The second half of the scene, where Halloran tries to reach the ranger's office, feels like it could be shortened to maintain the momentum of the scene. Although it does add suspense to the narrative, the overall effect of the scene could be enhanced by trimming some of the dialogue and making it more concise. There is also a lack of scene description, which could help enhance the visual experience of the scene for the reader.

Overall, the scene is commendable in terms of conflict, structure and progression of plot.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the stakes: While it's clear that Jack is upset at Wendy, it's not entirely clear why. Adding a bit more context to why Jack is so frustrated with Wendy could enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

2. Use more visual storytelling: The scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey the emotions and actions of the characters. Adding more visual cues, such as facial expressions and body language, can create a more dynamic and engaging scene.

3. Give Wendy more agency: Wendy doesn't have much of a presence in the scene beyond being the recipient of Jack's ire. Adding in some actions or dialogue for her can make her character more three-dimensional and give her more agency in the scene.

4. Consider the pacing: The scene moves quickly from Jack berating Wendy to him trashing the kitchen. Slowing down the action and giving the audience more time to process Jack's emotions and actions could make the scene more impactful.

5. Consider the tone: The scene is very intense and angry, which can be draining for the audience. Adding in moments of levity or vulnerability could help break up the tension and give the audience a chance to connect with the characters on a deeper level.



Scene 27 -  The Return of Jack Torrance
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR & BALLROOM - M.L.S.

JACK walks forward along corridor to Ballroom. He turns L-R
into Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS with him revealing crowded
Ballroom. MAITRE D standing at entrance.

MAITRE D
Good evening, Mr. Torrance.

JACK
Good evening.

JACK moves L-R across crowded Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS with
him to LLOYD serving behind bar. JACK sits at bar. LLOYD
moves to him.

JACK
Hi Lloyd. I've been away. Now I'm
back.

LLOYD
Good evening Mr. Torrance.

LLOYD puts dishes of olives and peanuts on bar before JACK.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD.

LLOYD
It's good to see you.

JACK
It's good to be back, Lloyd.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
What'll it be, sir?

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD

JACK
Hair of the dog that big me.

CUT TO:
88.


M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Bourbon on the rocks.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD

JACK
That'll do her.

JACK takes handful of peanuts and empties them into his
mouth. LLOYD puts ice into glass.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD preparing drink.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. LLOYD pouring drink. JACK takes out
his wallet, takes out note and holds it out to LLOYD. LLOYD
holds up his hand.

LLOYD
No charge to you, Mr. Torrance.

JACK looks down at note and up to LLOYD.

JACK
No charge?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Your money's no good here.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK looks down at his note then up
at LLOYD.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Orders from the house.

CUT TO:
89.


M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK puts note back into his wallet.

JACK
Orders from the house.

He puts wallet away.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
Drink up, Mr. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK tucking wallet into his hip
pocket.

JACK
I'm the kind of man likes to know
who's buying their drinks, Lloyd.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. LLOYD

LLOYD
It's not a matter that concerns
you, Mr. Torrance - at least not at
this point.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over LLOYD. JACK smiles and picks up his drinks.

JACK
Anything you say, Lloyd. Anything
you say.

JACK turns away from bar.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK moves away from bar. He dances forward to
center of room - CAMERA TRACKS after him. WOMAN enters
cam.R.f.g. and walks away. WAITER (GRADY), carrying tray of
drinks, walks forward from b.g. He bumps into WOMAN.

GRADY
Oh!

GRADY staggers forward, colliding with JACK and spilling
drinks down front of JACK's jacket.
90.


GRADY
Oh dear, oh dear. I'm so sorry,
sir. Oh!

He puts down tray and takes advocaat glass from JACK.

GRADY
Oh dear oh dear... I've made an
awful mess of your jacket, sir.

GRADY puts glass on tray.

JACK
Oh eh that's all right. I've got
plenty of jackets.

GRADY mops JACK's jacket with his serviette.

GRADY
I'm afraid it's advocaat sir. It
tends to stain.

JACK
Advocaat is it?

GRADY
Yes sir. Look um... I think the
best thing is to come along to the
gentlemen's room, sir, and eh...

GRADY bends down and picks up his tray.

GRADY
we'll get some water to it, sir.

JACK & GRADY start to walk away to the Gentlemen's. CAMERA
TRACKS after them.

JACK
Looks as though you might have got
a spot of it on yourself there,
Jeevesy old boy.

JACK pats GRADY on his back.

GRADY
That doesn't matter, sir. You're
the important one.

JACK
Awfully nice of you to say. Of
course I intend to change my jacket
this evening before the fish and
goose soiree.
91.


JACK & GRADY enter Gentlemen's Toilet.

GRADY
Very wise, sir. Very wise.

JACK exits cam.R behind door.

JACK (OFF)
Here, I'll just, eh...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary After a long absence Jack returns to the hotel, where he is greeted by the maître d'hôtel and Lloyd, the bartender. Lloyd pours Jack a drink and offers it to him free of charge- a strange attitude that puzzles Jack. A waiter carrying a tray of drinks bumps into a woman and spills advocaat all over Jack's jacket. The waiter takes him to the gentlemen's room to clean up. Jack is puzzled by the attitude and behavior of the staff.
Strengths
  • captivating dialogue
  • intense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • lack of action
  • slow pace
Critique The scene is lacking in clear conflict and purpose. It doesn't establish any clear stakes or goals for the main character, Jack. The dialogue is also simple and uninspired, lacking in subtext or depth. The setting and characters are not utilized to their full potential for creating tension or layering the scene with meaning. Overall, the scene feels stagnant and uneventful. It would benefit from more dynamic choices in terms of characterization, dialogue, and action to make it more engaging and effective.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions I have to improve this scene:

1. Add more conflict: The scene feels a little stagnant, with no real tension or conflict. Consider adding a conflict between Jack and Lloyd, or perhaps between Jack and another character in the ballroom. This will make the scene more engaging for the audience.

2. Develop the characters: At this point in the script, the audience should have a good understanding of who Jack and Lloyd are as characters. Consider adding some dialogue or actions that reveal more about their personalities and motivations.

3. Use visual storytelling: Use more camera angles and visual cues to tell the story. For example, instead of just showing a wide shot of the ballroom, use close-ups and reaction shots to convey the emotions of the characters.

4. Cut unnecessary dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a little repetitive or unnecessary. Consider cutting lines that don't add anything to the scene or the characters' development.

5. Add more action: The scene is mostly just characters standing around and talking. Consider adding some action or movement to make the scene visually interesting. For example, show Jack moving through the crowded ballroom or Lloyd preparing the drink with flair.



Scene 28 -  The Caretaker's Secret
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MEN'S TOILET - M.L.S.

Men's toilet. JACK moves in from cam.L.b.g. He holds door
open.

JACK
hold this for you there, Jeevesy.

GRADY enters cam.L.

GRADY
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

GRADY walks forward and puts his tray down on basins cam.R.
JACK walks forward.

GRADY
Now let's see if we can improve
this with a little water, sir.

GRADY soaks his serviette under tap. JACK puts glass down
cam.L and turns to GRADY cam.R.

JACK
Right, I'll just set my bourbon and
advocaat down right there.

JACK laughs. GRADY starts to sponge JACK with serviette.

GRADY
Won't keep you a moment, sir.

JACK
Fine.

GRADY sponges JACK.

JACK
What do they call you around here,
Jeevesy?
92.


GRADY
Grady, sir. Delbert Grady.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over GRADY. GRADY sponging JACK's jacket.

JACK
Grady?

GRADY
Yes, sir.

JACK
Delbert Grady.

GRADY
That's right, sir.

GRADY sponges JACK's trousers.

JACK
Eh, Mr. Grady...

JACK clears his throat.

JACK (CONT'D)
haven't I seen you somewhere before?

GRADY
Why no, sir. I don't believe so.

GRADY turns cam.L to basins to rinse serviette under tap.
He turns back to JACK and sponges his jacket.

GRADY
Ah ha, it's coming off now, sir.

JACK
Eh... Mr. Grady... weren't you once
the caretaker here?

GRADY
Why no, sir. I don't believe so.

GRADY sponges JACK's trousers.

JACK
You er a married man, are you, Mr.
Grady?

GRADY sponges JACK's jacket sleeve.
93.


GRADY
Yes, sir. I have a wife and eh two
daughters, sir.

JACK
And, er... where are they now?

GRADY
Oh, they're somewhere around. I'm
not quite sure at the moment, sir.

JACK takes serviette away from GRADY and wipes his hand with
it.

JACK
Mr. Grady, you were the caretaker
here. I recognize you. I saw your
picture in the newspapers. You
eh... chopped your wife and
daughters up into little bits, and
eh... and you blew your brains out.

JACK throws serviette into basin cam.L.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. GRADY over JACK.

GRADY
That's strange, sir. I don't have
any recollection of that at all.
Mr. Grady, you were the caretaker
here.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over GRADY.

GRADY
I'm sorry to differ with you, sir,
but you are the caretaker. You
have always been the caretaker, I
should know, sir. I've always been
here.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK laughs.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY
94.


GRADY
Did you know, Mr. Torrance, that
your son... is attempting to bring
an outside party into this situation?
Did you know that?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK. He shakes his head.

JACK
No.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
He is, Mr. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Who?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
A nigger.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
A nigger!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
A nigger cook.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Jack runs into Grady in the men's toilet and begins to remember Grady's dark past as the caretaker. Grady denies it and claims that Jack is the caretaker. Grady then reveals that Jack's son is trying to bring in an outside party, a black cook, into the situation.
Strengths "The tension builds as the truth of Grady's past is revealed to Jack, and the conflict between Jack and Grady increases."
Weaknesses "The use of a racial slur takes away from the impact of the scene and may be offensive to some viewers."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have the ability to critique whether a scene is good or bad, but I can provide some observations.

The scene is from The Shining and takes place in a men's toilet. It starts with Jack entering the room and holding the door open for Grady, who puts his tray down on the basin and soaks his serviette under the tap. Jack puts his glass down and jokes with Grady. Grady sponges Jack's jacket and trousers, and Jack asks him if he is the caretaker of the hotel. Grady denies it but Jack confronts him about the gruesome murders he committed before. Grady denies it again and claims that Jack is the caretaker and that he has always been there. The conversation takes a strange turn when Grady informs Jack that his son is trying to bring in an "outside party" who is revealed to be a "n****r cook."

The scene is well-written, and the dialogue is sharp and memorable. It builds tension and foreshadows the madness that is about to consume Jack. The use of racist language is unsettling but is integral to the character and serves to underline his bigotry and unstable nature. The scene builds towards a climax with Grady's revelation about Jack's son, which provides a compelling plot point that carries through the rest of the film. Overall, it is a powerful scene that anchors the movie's themes of isolation, madness, and decay.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more specific and visually engaging details. The dialogue also needs to be more concise and purposeful.

- Consider adding more physical actions and descriptions to make the scene more dynamic. For example, instead of just saying "GRADY sponges JACK," describe how he does it and how it looks (e.g. "GRADY delicately dabs at the bourbon stain on JACK's jacket with a wet serviette").
- Try to condense some of the dialogue to make it snappier and more impactful. For example, instead of having JACK repeat GRADY's name and title, it could be shortened to "Grady, did you used to work here?" and "That's not true, Grady, you were the caretaker who killed his family."
- Think about character motivations and how they can be revealed through the dialogue and actions. Why is JACK so interested in Grady's past? What is Grady hoping to achieve by denying his past actions? This could add depth and tension to the scene.
- Additionally, consider the visual and auditory details that could enhance the mood and atmosphere. For example, the sound of running water in the toilet, the lighting and shadows in the room, and the camera angles that could emphasize different characters' reactions. These details can elevate the scene and make it more memorable.



Scene 29 -  Jack and Grady's conversation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 10
INT. MEN'S LAVATORY - M.C.S.

JACK
95.


JACK
How?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY
Your son has a very great talent.
I don't think you are aware how
great it is, but he is attempting
to use that very talent against
your will.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK

JACK
Well, he is a very willful boy.

JACK smiles.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY.

GRADY
Indeed, he is, Mr. Torrance. A
very willful boy. A rather naughty
boy, if I may be so bold, sir.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK. He looks about.

JACK
It's his mother.

JACK looks about.

JACK
She eh... interferes.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY.

GRADY
Perhaps they need a good talking
to, if you don't mind my saying so.
Perhaps a bit more.

CUT TO:
96.


M.C.S. JACK.

GRADY (OFF)
My girls, sir, they didn't care for
the Overlook at first. One of them
actually stole a packet of matches

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY

GRADY (CONT'D)
and tried to burn it down. But I
corrected them, sir. And when my
wife tried to prevent me from doing
my duty I corrected her.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK smiles.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. GRADY.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY, crying and holding cigarette, walks R-L from Living
Room into Bedroom. CAMERA PANS with her.

WENDY
(to herself)
We have the Snowcat. If the
weather breaks, we might just be
able to get down the mountain in
that.

WENDY turns and walks L-R back into LIVING ROOM - CAMERA
TRACKS IN and PANS with her.

WENDY
(to herself)
I could call the Forest Rangers
first and then tell them that we're
coming so that they could start
searching for us, in case we didn't
make it.

WENDY turns and walks R-L into Bedroom - CAMERA PANS with her.
97.


WENDY
(to herself)
If Jack won't come with us, we'll
just have to tell him that we are
going by ourselves. That's all
there is to it.

DANNY (OFF)
Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY reacts and turns to cam.R. She runs away to DANNY's
bedroom door in b.g.

DANNY (OFF)
Red Rum. Red Rum.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Jack and Grady discuss Danny's talents and behavior, with Grady insinuating that Danny is being controlled by supernatural forces. Meanwhile, Wendy is planning their escape from the hotel.
Strengths "The dialogue between Jack and Grady is intense and well-crafted, with hints of supernatural elements and foreshadowing. The parallel scenes of Wendy planning her escape and Danny's ominous chanting create tension and anticipation."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks visual interest and action, with most of it consisting of two characters talking in a bathroom."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved upon. First, the setting is not very clear. While it is indicated that the characters are in the men's lavatory, the reader may not be sure as the scene quickly jumps to close-ups of different characters without much description of the surroundings. Including more details of the location would add more depth to the scene and help the reader visualize the characters better.

Additionally, the dialogue could be more engaging and purposeful. The conversation between Jack and Grady feels somewhat unimportant and doesn't reveal any significant information about the characters or story. It feels like filler dialogue and could be cut down or rewritten to have more impact.

Finally, the scene ends very abruptly with Wendy's dialogue. It doesn't feel like a natural continuation of the previous conversation and feels out of place. If the goal of this scene is to build tension or create a sense of unease, it could benefit from a more concrete resolution or at least a clearer connection between the different parts of the scene.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more attention to setting and character development, as well as sharper, more focused dialogue.
Suggestions Firstly, it would be helpful to establish where this scene fits in terms of the overall plot and character arcs. Is this part of a larger conversation or conflict between Jack and Grady? Is there more at stake than what is currently being discussed?

In terms of dialogue, it may be helpful to add more direct conflict and tension between Jack and Grady. Their conversation reads somewhat passive and could benefit from more clear and direct dialogue that reflects their conflicting desires and motives.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual action and description to break up the dialogue and convey the emotions of the characters. For instance, showing Jack's reaction to Grady's remarks about his son or showing Wendy's distress as she ponders how to escape the situation.

Finally, it may be helpful to add more subtext or themes that are being explored in this scene. Are there issues of power, control, or abuse at play that could be explored more deeply through the dialogue and actions of the characters?



Scene 30 -  Danny's Nightmare
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. DANNY'S BEDROOM - M.S.

WENDY opens door and stands in doorway.

WENDY
Danny?

DANNY (OFF)
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY moves R-L from door. CAMERA PANS with her and TRACKS
BACK to reveal DANNY sitting up in bed. WENDY sits beside
him.

DANNY
Red Rum.

WENDY
Danny... what's the matter, hon?

DANNY
Red Rum.

WENDY
Are you having a bad dream?

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over WENDY

WENDY
Danny? Hon?
98.


TONY
Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY over DANNY

WENDY
Come on, hon, wake up. You just
had a bad dream. Everything's okay.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over WENDY.

TONY
Danny can't wake up, Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY over DANNY.

WENDY
Danny, wake up! Come on, right now,

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY over WENDY.

WENDY
Wake up.

TONY
Danny's gone away, Mrs. Torrance.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY over DANNY.

WENDY
Danny...

She leans forward and puts her arm round him. She strokes
his hair.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - M.L.S.

JACK walking L-R past reception desk. CAMERA TRACKS with
him to office. He goes in and switches on lights.
99.


RANGER
(over radio)
This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK
1 calling KDK 12. Are you receiving
me? This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12.
KDK 1 calling KDK 12. Do you read
me?

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - OFFICE - M.L.S.

JACK walks from office into inner office. CAMERA TRACKS
after him. He stops by radio set.

RANGER
(over radio)
This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK
1 calling KDK 12. Are you
receiving me?

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK looking down at radio set. He tries to take the
cover off.

RANGER
(over radio)
KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK 1
calling KDK 12. Do you read me?

JACK unscrews back of set and lifts cover off radio. He
drops it on floor.

RANGER
(over radio)
This is KDK 1 calling KDK 12. KDK
1 calling KDK 12.

He reaches out to the set with his hand.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's hand touches component in set. He pulls it out.

RANGER
(over radio)
Are you recei...

He pulls two more components out of set. He rattles them in
his hand, then moves out cam.L.

DISSOLVE TO:
100.


INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear, walks R-L towards window. CAMERA
PANS with him.

RANGER
(over phone)
Good evening. Forest Service.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Hallo, this is Dick Halloran again.
I called a while ago about the
folks at the Overlook Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. RANGER'S OFFICE - NIGHT - M.S.

RANGER sitting at radio, phone to ear.

RANGER
(into phone)
Oh yeah. We tried to contract them
several times by radio, but they
didn't answer.

MAN enters from cam.R.f.g. and walks away to b.g.

RANGER
(into phone)
Now, maybe they've got their radio
turned off or they're in a place
where they can't hear it. If you
like me to, I'd be glad to try them
again later on.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Suspense","Drama"]

Summary Wendy tries to comfort Danny as he repeatedly speaks a cryptic phrase 'Red Rum' in his sleep. Tony, an invisible entity, warns Wendy that Danny is not there and has gone away. Meanwhile, Jack walks into the hotel office and tampers with the radio.
Strengths "The scene uses dream and reality sequences effectively to create a feeling of psychological terror. The cryptic phrase 'Red Rum' also adds to the suspense and dread of the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene could have been shorter and more concise."
Critique Overall, this scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or conflict. The dialogue is repetitive, with both Wendy and Danny repeating "Red Rum" without any new information or action occurring. The camera work is also stagnant, with simple pans and tracking shots that do not add visual interest or enhance the emotional tone of the scene. Additionally, the switch to Jack and the Forest Service call at the end feels disjointed and does not connect well with the rest of the scene. The writer could benefit from adding a clear goal or tension, heightened emotional stakes, and visually dynamic camera work to make the scene more engaging and impactful.
Suggestions First, it would be helpful to give more context about the story and where this scene fits in. Without knowing that, it is hard to give specific feedback about improving the scene.

However, based on what is presented, some suggestions could include:

- Adding more visual description and setting the scene. Right now, there is not a lot of information about what Danny's room looks like, what Wendy looks like or how she is feeling, etc. This could be expanded upon to create a clearer picture for the reader.
- Adding more action and conflict. Right now, it is a fairly straightforward scene of Wendy trying to wake up Danny. Introducing some tension or conflict would make it more engaging for the audience. For example, maybe the ghosts in the hotel are actively preventing Danny from waking up or Wendy starts to feel uneasy about the situation.
- Clarifying the purpose of the scene and how it moves the story forward. Again, without context it is hard to know if this scene is important or just a small moment. Making sure the scene has a clear reason for existing and ties into the overall plot would strengthen it.



Scene 31 -  Halloran Makes Plans to Get to Overlook Hotel
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. MIAMI - HALLORAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Oh, that's very nice of you. I'll
call you back later. Bye.

He walks L-R. CAMERA TRACKS & PANS with him. He puts phone
down on receiver, and puts his hand up to his head.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.
101.


Superimposition:

8 a.m.

CUT TO:

EXT. SKY - DAY - L.S.

D.C.10 in flight.

CUT TO:

INT. D.C.10 - M.C.S.

HALLORAN sitting in seat. CAMERA TRACKS BACK to reveal
other passengers in their seats. HALLORAN turns in his seat
and looks cam.L. STEWARDESS enters from cam.L and stops
beside HALLORAN.

HALLORAN
Pardon me, miss. What time will we
get to Denver?

STEWARDESS
We're due to arrive at 8:20, sir.

HALLORAN
Thank you very much.

STEWARDESS walks out cam.R. HALLORAN looks at his wristwatch.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - L.S.

Shooting through entrance onto JACK seated, back to camera,
typing at table in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD onto JACK.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY - L.S.

D.C.10 moves away along flare path, as it lands.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.L.S.

DURKIN at car by petrol pump. He moves away R-L to office.

CUT TO:
102.


INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

MAN standing cam.L. MAN sitting reading magazine. DURKIN
enters. He stamps snow off his feet and moves L-R. CAMERA
PANS with him behind counter. He picks up ringing phone.

DURKIN
(into phone)
Durkin's garage.

HALLORAN
(over phone)
Hello, can I speak to Larry?

DURKIN
(into phone)
Speaking.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN at telephone booth, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Hello Larry. This is Dick, Dick
Halloran.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear, behind counter.

DURKIN
(into phone)
Dick, how are you doing? How's the
weather down there?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
I'm not in Florida, Larry. I'm
calling from Stapleton Airport.

CUT TO:
103.


INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear, leaning on counter.

DURKIN
(into phone)
What the hell are you doing down
there?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Well, I just got in from Miami, and
I've got to get up to the Overlook
today. What's the weather like up
there?

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear.

DURKIN
(into phone)
Well, the snow ploughs are keeping
things moving in town, but the
mountain roads are completely
blocked.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
That means I'm going to need a
snowcat to get up there, Larry.
Can you fix me up with one?

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear.
104.


DURKIN
(into phone)
What's the big deal about getting
up there today, especially in this
kind of weather?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Halloran makes phone calls and arrangements to get to the Overlook hotel in the middle of a snowstorm.
Strengths "Good buildup of tension and suspense as Halloran tries to find a way to get to the hotel despite the weather."
Weaknesses "Lack of action and slow pacing may bore some viewers."
Critique There are several issues with this scene that make it less effective in advancing the plot and engaging the audience.

Firstly, the use of multiple cuts and dissolves between locations and timeframes creates a disjointed feeling that makes it hard to follow the flow of events. Instead, the scene could benefit from smoother transitions between locations, perhaps using establishing shots or more natural cuts to show the passage of time.

Secondly, the dialogue exchange between Halloran and Durkin feels stilted and unnatural, lacking in any real tension or conflict. It could be improved by adding some subtext or history between the characters, or by incorporating some obstacles that Halloran must overcome in order to obtain the snowcat.

Overall, this scene could benefit from some restructuring and retooling to make it more engaging and streamlined.
Suggestions Firstly, we could use more descriptive language to give a better sense of the tone of the scene and what is happening in the characters' minds. For example, in the opening shot, instead of just "Halloran, phone to ear", we could add something like "Halloran paces back and forth, brow furrowed in thought as he speaks into the phone."

Additionally, we could work on pacing and structure. The scene feels very choppy with constant cuts between different locations and characters. Perhaps we could condense some of the phone conversation into one shot instead of cutting back and forth between Halloran and Durkin, or find a way to visually connect the different locations to create a smoother flow.

Lastly, we could try to create more tension or conflict in the scene, as it currently feels quite flat. Adding some obstacles or stakes that Halloran must overcome to get to the Overlook could create a stronger sense of drama and make the audience more invested in his journey.



Scene 32 -  Halloran travels through a snowstorm
  • Overall: 6.0
  • Concept: 5
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 5
  • Dialogue: 5
INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN, phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Larry, just between you and me,
we've got a very serious problem
with the people who are taking care
of the place. They've turned out
to be completely unreliable assholes.
Ullman phoned me last night, and
I'm supposed to go up there and
find out if they have to be replaced.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear, looks at his watch.

DURKIN
(into phone)
How long is it going to take you to
get up here?

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Oh about five hours. I'm gonna
rent a car here at the airport.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN, phone to ear.
105.


DURKIN
(into phone)
Okay, Dick - I'll take care of it.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT - M.S.

HALLORAN phone to ear.

HALLORAN
(into phone)
Oh thanks a lot, Larry. I really
appreciate that.

CUT TO:

INT. DURKIN'S GARAGE - M.S.

DURKIN phone to ear.

DURKIN
(into phone)
That's all right. Drive carefully.

He puts phone down.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - M.L.S.

HALLORAN's car moving forward along snow covered road.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK with it.

VOICE OVER RADIO
Well, good morning to you, Hal and
Charlie on Radio 63, KHOW Denver

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLORAN'S CAR - NIGHT - M.C.S.

HALLORAN sitting behind wheel as he drives along road L-R.

VOICE OVER RADIO (CONT'D)
and, Charlie, we have what you call
your bad day out there. What you
call your heavy snow, snowing hard
throughout the eh Denver metro area.
Many of the mountain passes - Wolf
Creek, and Red Mountain passes are
already closed...

DISSOLVE TO:
106.


M.S. Shooting from behind HALLORAN through windscreen as he
drives along road, passing overturned truck cam.L.

VOICE OVER RADIO (CONT'D)
and the chain law is in effect
right now at the Eisenhower Tunnel.
I guess as we've just heard from
the news forecast, Charlie, a few
of the flights are still landing
out at Stapleton International
Airport, and, with these early
storms like this, I guess the
entire airport will probably be
closed within the hour. Yeah,
they're just not prepared. The
storm will continue throughout the
day, and the national weather
service... has declared a stopmans
and travelers advisory... for all
areas outlying the Denver metro
region - get the cows in the barn.
There you go. Many businesses...

CUT TO:

INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

DANNY & WENDY sitting at table watching T.V. Set cam.L.
WENDY inhales cigarette and looks at her watch. She puts
cigarette out cam.R.

WENDY
Hon,

WENDY strokes his hair, then takes hold of his chin and
turns his face to her.

WENDY (CONT'D)
...listen to me for a minute, will
you, hon?

She lowers her hand from his chin and strokes his hair.

WENDY
I'm just going to go and talk to
Daddy for a few minutes and I'll be
right back. I want you to just
stay here and watch your cartoons,
okay?

She strokes his hair.

WENDY
Okay, hon?
107.


DANNY holds up his forefinger and wiggles it.

TONY
Yes, Mrs. Torrance.

WENDY kisses DANNY's head.

WENDY
All right. Now I'll be back in
just about five minutes. I'm gonna
lock the door behind me.

She kisses his head and strokes his hair - then stands up
and walks away to door. She stops and picks up a baseball
bat from cam.R. She walks away through open doorway, and
exits cam.R.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Halloran talks on the phone with Durkin about an urgent problem at the hotel, then drives through a snowstorm while listening to the radio.
Strengths "The tension of the urgent problem at the hotel and the danger of driving in a heavy snowstorm create an atmosphere of suspense and danger."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly made up of phone conversations and radio chatter, which may not be visually interesting to some viewers."
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear objective - Halloran is on his way to check on the caretakers at the hotel, and there is a snowstorm coming. However, the scene lacks tension and conflict, which are important elements to keep the audience engaged. The dialogue between Halloran and Durkin is also somewhat flat and lacks subtext.

One way to add tension could be to introduce some obstacles that Halloran faces on his journey to the hotel. For example, his rental car could break down or he could get lost in the snowstorm. This would add layers to the scene and make it more suspenseful.

Additionally, the dialogue between Halloran and Durkin could be more nuanced. Instead of just discussing the logistics of Halloran's journey, they could have a more emotional conversation about the situation at the hotel and how it's affecting them. This would give the scene more depth and make it more relatable to the audience.

Finally, the transition from the radio report to Wendy and Danny watching TV feels abrupt and could be smoother. An establishing shot of the hotel or a shot of Halloran driving in the snowstorm could help to bridge the gap between the two scenes and make the transition feel more seamless.
Suggestions To improve this scene, I would suggest making the phone conversation between Halloran and Durkin more meaningful and purposeful. As it stands, the conversation feels like small talk and doesn't add much to the plot. Perhaps they can discuss a specific issue that needs to be addressed at the hotel, or come up with a plan of action. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual elements and tension building. Instead of just showing Halloran driving in the snow, there could be obstacles or challenges he faces on his way to the hotel. Overall, it would be beneficial to make the scene more engaging and relevant to the story.



Scene 33 -  Wendy Finds Jack's Typewriter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - M.L.S.

WENDY, carrying baseball bat, walks away into Lounge. As
she goes, she turns and looks about her - CAMERA TRACKS
after her.

WENDY
Jack...?

She looks about and then moves L-R past table, with his
typewriter on it. She walks L-R behind pillar and appears
again on the other side. CAMERA TRACKS with her.

WENDY
Jack...?

WENDY stops and looks about.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY, holding bat, in f.g. She turns and walks away
to JACK's typewriter on table in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle - JACK's typewriter in f.g. WENDY moves
forward into shot. She looks down at sheet of paper in
typewriter.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. Sheet of paper in typewriter with repetition of line
on it, reading: "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY."
108.


Sheet of paper is turned up, showing repetition of line.
Again sheet of paper is turned up showing repetition of line.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle - WENDY looking down at sheet of paper in
typewriter. She looks cam.R - then moves to cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.S. Sheets of paper, filling cardboard box. CAMERA TRACKS
IN on top sheet, showing repetition of the line "ALL WORK
AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY." filling sheet.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY looking down at box of paper in f.g.
She holds up top sheet and looks at it - then puts it down
in box.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. Sheets of paper filling box. WENDY's hand enters
cam.L.f.g. She flicks through sheets of paper and sees they
are all filled with repetition of line: "ALL WORK AND NO
PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY."

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle - WENDY flicking through sheets of paper in
box.

CUT TO:

M.S. Pillar. CAMERA TRACKS R-L revealing WENDY, back to
camera, looking through sheets of paper in box on table in
M.L.S. JACK enters cam.R.f.g.

JACK
How do you like it?

WENDY SCREAMS and turns round to face JACK.

WENDY
Jack!

JACK
How do you like it?

JACK moves away towards table. WENDY walks R-L along table.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.
109.


JACK
What are you doing down here?

He stops by chair and puts his hand on back of it.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
I just eh... wanted...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK - hand on back of chair.

WENDY (OFF)
...to talk to you.

JACK moves R-L to table. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

JACK
Okay. Let's talk.

JACK flicks through sheets of paper in box - then looks
towards WENDY.

JACK
What do you want to talk about?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
I...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK

WENDY (OFF)
I can't really remember.

JACK
You can't remember.

JACK moves forward L-R. CAMERA PANS with him.

WENDY (OFF)
No, I can't.

CUT TO:
110.


M.S. WENDY, holding bat, moves L-R. CAMERA PANS with her.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

DANNY sitting at table. CAMERA TRACKS IN on him.

JACK (OFF)
Maybe it was about Danny. Maybe it
was about him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

Blood clear from camera lens revealing furniture floating
about on river of blood.

JACK (OFF)
I think we should discuss Danny.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

Low Angle Door with word "MURDER" scrawled in reverse on door.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

Furniture floating on river of blood towards camera.

JACK (OFF)
I think... we should discuss what
should be done with him.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Wendy, carrying a baseball bat, looks for Jack and comes across his typewriter with paper filled with the repeated phrase 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. Jack appears and they discuss their son, Danny.
Strengths "Suspenseful scene with eerie music and foreshadowing of Jack's descent into madness."
Weaknesses "Dialogue is somewhat stilted and predictable."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot judge the content of a scene. However, I can provide feedback on the structure and writing of the scene.

The scene seems to lack a clear objective or conflict, making it feel aimless. Additionally, the use of continuous camera tracking could be overwhelming for a viewer and tire them out.

The dialogue between Wendy and Jack feels monotonous, with Wendy repeating his name and Jack asking her what she wants to talk about. The scene could benefit from clearer goals and motivations for the characters, as well as more variety in camera angles and movements.
Suggestions First, I would suggest adding more descriptive language to the scene to create a stronger visual image for the audience. For example, instead of "WENDY walks L-R behind pillar", it could read "WENDY ducks behind a pillar, briefly disappearing from view before emerging on the other side".

Next, it's important to establish the emotion and motivation behind the characters' actions. Why is Wendy carrying a baseball bat? Is she afraid? Angry? Adding more context to her movements and dialogue could help the audience understand her motivations.

Additionally, the repetition of the line "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY" could be emphasized more to create a sense of dread and unease for the audience.

Finally, the transition between different shots could be made smoother by connecting them through similar imagery or movements. For example, instead of cutting directly from Wendy looking down at the box of papers to her flicking through them, there could be a shot of her hand reaching into the box first. This would help create a more cohesive and visually engaging scene.



Scene 34 - 
  • Overall: 0.0
  • Concept: 0
  • Plot: 0
  • Characters: 0
  • Dialogue: 0
INT. HOTEL - LOUNGE - M.S.

JACK moves forward.

JACK
What should be done with him?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat gives nervous laugh.

CUT TO:
111.


M.S. JACK moves forward R-L - CAMERA PANS & TRACKS BACK with
him.

WENDY (OFF)
I don't know.

JACK
I don't think that's true. I think
you have some very definite ideas
about what should be done with
Danny... and I'd like to know what
they are.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves back R-L. CAMERA PANS with her.
She weeps.

WENDY
Well I... I think maybe he should
be taken to a doctor.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK

JACK
You think maybe he should be taken
to a doctor?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY

WENDY
Yes...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK

JACK
When do you think maybe he should
be taken to a doctor?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
As soon as possible?

CUT TO:
112.


M.S. JACK

JACK
As soon as possible.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack...

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat.

WENDY
...please...

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
You believe his health might be at
stake?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves back.

WENDY
Ye...yes.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
And you are concerned about him?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves back.

WENDY
Yes.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK points to himself as he moves forward.

JACK
And are you concerned about me?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves backwards.
113.


WENDY
Of course I am.

JACK (OFF)
Of course you are.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him. He
points to himself and gestures.

JACK
Have you ever thought about my
responsibilities?

WENDY (OFF)
Oh Jack, what are you talking about?

JACK
Have you ever had a single moment's
thought about my responsibilities?
Have you ever thought for a single
solitary moment about my
responsibilities to my employers?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves backwards.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK moves forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
Has it ever occurred to you that I
have agreed to look after the
Overlook Hotel until May the first?
Does it matter to you at all that
the owners have placed their
complete confidence and trust in
me, and that I have signed a letter
of agreement, a contract, in which
I have accepted that responsibility?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat moves backwards L-R to foot of stairs.
CAMERA PANS with her. She moves onto first step.

JACK (OFF)
Do you have the slightest idea what
a moral and ethical principal is?
Do you?

CUT TO:
114.


M.S. JACK moves forward L-R. CAMERA PANS with him.

JACK
Has it ever occurred to you what
would happen to my future, if I
were to fail to live up to my
responsibilities?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY holding bat backs up stairs.

JACK (OFF)
Has it ever occurred to you?

JACK moves in cam.R.f.g.

JACK
Has it?

WENDY swinging bat before her backs up stairs. JACK moves
after her. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

JACK
Why?

WENDY
I just want to go back to my room.

JACK
Why?

WENDY sobs.

WENDY
Well... I'm very confused, and I
just need a chance to think things
over.

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY. He moves forward up stairs.
She backs away. CAMERA TRACKS BACK and UP before them.

JACK
You've had your whole fucking life
to think things over - what's good
a few minutes more going to do you
now?
115.


WENDY
Jack... stay away from me... please.

JACK reaches up to her.

WENDY
Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!

JACK
I'm not going to hurt you.

WENDY swings bat in front of her as she backs up stairs.

WENDY
Stay away from me,

JACK
Wendy!

WENDY
Stay away...!

JACK
Darling, light of my life, I'm not
going to hurt you. You didn't let
me finish my sentence. I said 'I'm
not going to hurt you... I'm just
going to bash your brains in!' I'm
going to bash them right the fuck in.

WENDY waves bat in front of her. JACK laughs.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY swinging bat in front of her, backs up
stairs. JACK follows her - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after them.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

JACK
I'm not going to hurt you.

WENDY
Stay away from me!

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY. She swings bat in front of
her, as she backs away and he follows her.
116.


WENDY
Stay away from me! Please...

JACK
Stop swinging the bat.

WENDY
Stay away from me.

JACK
Put the bat down, Wendy.

WENDY
Stop it!

JACK
Wendy give me the bat.

WENDY
Stay... stay away!

JACK
Give me the bat.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY over JACK. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD as
they come up stairs.

WENDY
Stay away from me.

JACK
Give me the bat.

WENDY
Jack, stay away from me!

JACK
Stop swinging the bat.

WENDY
Get down.

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY. She swings bat in front of
her as they move up stairs. CAMERA TRACKS with them.

JACK
Give me the bat.

WENDY
Go away from me.
117.


JACK
Wendy...

WENDY
Go away.

JACK
Give me the bat.

WENDY
Go away.

JACK
Give me the bat.

JACK reaches up with hand. WENDY hits his hand with bat.
SHE SCREAMS. HE YELLS and grabs his wrist.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY over JACK.

JACK
Goddamn!

WENDY hits JACK on head with bat.

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK over WENDY - he throws up hand and
leans back.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. Low Angle WENDY over JACK. He falls backwards down
stairs. CAMERA PANS L-R with him as he somersaults down
stairs, stopping face down on half landing.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. High Angle WENDY back to camera at top of stairs.
JACK lying facedown on half landing.

WENDY
Oh...oh!

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: null

Summary
Strengths null
Weaknesses null
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well-written in terms of its pacing and tension-building. The dialogue is sharp and the actions of the characters are clearly conveyed. However, there are some areas that could use improvement.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from more physical description and blocking. While the dialogue clearly conveys the intense emotions and actions of the characters, more description of their movements and positioning could add to the visual impact of the scene.

Additionally, the scene could be improved by introducing more sensory details to heighten the atmosphere and mood. For example, describing the sounds and smells of the hotel lounge could make the setting feel more tangible and immersive.

Lastly, some of the dialogue and actions of the characters may come across as cliché or predictable. For example, the line "I'm just going to bash your brains in!" is a well-known quote from the film and can feel overused or predictable to modern audiences. Finding ways to subvert audience expectations or add unique twists to the scene could make it feel more fresh and engaging.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene could benefit from some more description of the characters' movements, actions, and emotions to create a better understanding of the intensity of the situation. For example, the scene describes Wendy as giving a nervous laugh, but it could be helpful to describe her physical actions and body language that convey her fear. Secondly, the dialogue could be tightened up to make the scene feel more urgent and intense. Some of the lines could be removed, as they don't necessarily add anything new to the scene such as when Wendy responds with quick, one-word answers to Jack's questions. Finally, the scene could benefit from more impactful camera movements to heighten the tension and create a more engaging visual experience for the audience.



Scene 35 -  JACK and WENDY's Conflict
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.C.S.

JACK lying on his back on floor. He GROANS as he is dragged
along R-L. CAMERA TRACKS with him.

CUT TO:
118.


INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY, holding JACK's ankles, drags him backwards to food
store door. She undoes bolt, then tries to open door. JACK
GROANS.

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY tugging at handle. JACK GROANS OFF.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY tugging at handle. She looks down cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK, lying on his back on the floor GROANING, starts
to come to. His eyes open and he lifts his head up.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY, tugging at door handle.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY's hand on handle. She takes out pin on chain
in handle and tugs handle open.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY swings door open. Then she takes hold of JACK's
ankles.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK.

JACK
Hey... what are you doing?

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY pulling JACK by the legs into food store.

JACK
Ohhh... what are you doing?

CUT TO:

M.S. High Angle JACK on his back being dragged through door
into food store.
119.


JACK
Hey, wait a minute... What are you
doing?

WENDY puts his feet down and moves away to door.

JACK
What are you doing?

CUT TO:

M.S. Low Angle WENDY's feet and legs move forward from
JACK - She exits cam.R.f.g. JACK rolls over onto his elbow.
Door closes in f.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK on floor in f.g. WENDY in b.g. closes the door.
JACK gets onto his feet. He GROANS and grips his R. ankle,
staggering against cardboard boxes. They fall down onto him.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY puts pin in handle, and backs L-R away from door.
CAMERA PANS with her.

JACK (OFF)
Hey, wait a minute!

WENDY turns away and looks about.

JACK (OFF)
What are you doing?

WENDY sees knife in rack on wall and lifts it out of rack.
She turns to face food store door.

JACK (OFF)
Open the door.

WENDY backs away to table.

JACK (OFF)
Goddamit! Let me out of here!
Open the goddam door.

WENDY, resting one hand on table, weeps as she sinks to her
knees.

CUT TO:
120.


INT. HOTEL - FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

Low Angle - JACK.

JACK
Wendy, listen. Let me out of here
and I'll forget the whole goddam
thing. It'll be just like nothing
ever happened.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY kneeling by table. She is weeping and puts her hand
up to her head.

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

Low Angle JACK listens to her weeping.

JACK
Wendy, baby...

He puts hand up to head.

JACK
I think you hurt my head real bad.

He takes his hand away from his head.

JACK
I'm dizzy. I need a doctor.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY weeping as she kneels by table.

JACK (OFF)
Honey... don't leave me in here.

WENDY stands up. CAMERA TILTS UP with her.

WENDY
I'm gonna go now -

WENDY walks R-L. CAMERA PANS with her to food store room
door.
121.


WENDY
I'm going to try and get... get
Danny down to the Sidewinder... in
the Snowcat today.

She weeps.

WENDY
I'll bring back a doctor.

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK

JACK
Wendy...

WENDY (OFF)
I'm gonna go now.

JACK
Wendy...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary Wendy drags Jack to the food store door while he begs to be let out. She eventually uses a pin to unlock the door and then retrieves a knife. Jack continues to plead with her, saying he needs a doctor and that she hurt his head. Wendy ultimately decides to leave and try to get help for Danny.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between Jack and Wendy is palpable and well-executed."
Weaknesses "The scene is perhaps a bit repetitive in its structure, with the back-and-forth of Wendy trying to unlock the door while Jack pleads with her."
Critique Overall, this scene lacks clear establishing shots to help orient the audience in the space and the action. The camera continuously cuts between close-ups of Jack and Wendy, making it difficult to understand their spatial relationship with each other and their surroundings. Additionally, the dialogue feels repetitive and doesn't reveal much about their characters or the plot. It would benefit from more meaningful actions and dialogue, and clearer visual storytelling to enhance the tension and stakes of the scene.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene to make it more engaging and visually interesting:

1. Add more action - There is a lot of dialogue in this scene, but not enough action to keep the audience engaged. Consider adding more physical movements or obstacles for the characters to overcome (e.g. make the door harder to open, have Wendy struggle to drag Jack).

2. Play with camera angles - The scene is shot mostly in medium close-ups, which can make it feel static and flat. Experiment with different camera angles and shots to add visual interest (e.g. low angle shots, close-ups, tracking shots).

3. Vary the pacing - The scene is quite slow-paced, which can make it feel tedious. Consider adding moments of tension or urgency to keep the audience engaged (e.g. have Jack try to escape, have Wendy worry about getting caught).

4. Focus on the emotional stakes - The characters' emotions are mentioned in the dialogue, but they don't always come across strongly enough. Make sure to emphasize the emotional stakes of the scene so that the audience cares about what's happening (e.g. show close-ups of Wendy's tears, have Jack plead more urgently for help).



Scene 36 -  Wendy Escapes to the Snowcat
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 6
  • Dialogue: 5
INT. KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY weeping turns to food store door.

WENDY
Yes?

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK smiling.

JACK
You've got a big surprise coming to
you.

He laughs.

JACK
You're not going anywhere.

He laughs.

CUT TO:
122.


INT. KITCHEN - M.S.

WENDY by food store door.

JACK (OFF)
Go check out the Snowcat and the
radio and see what I mean.

He laughs off.

JACK (OFF)
Go check it out!

He laughs off. WENDY exits cam.L.

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK laughing.

JACK
Go check it out!

He laughs.

JACK
Go check it out!

He laughs.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

WENDY carrying knife runs forward - CAMERA PANS L-R with her
as she runs to door. She forces it open.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY forces door open against snow and walks out on snow.
CAMERA PANS L-R with her to edge of porch. She runs away to
b.g.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY runs L-R along front of hotel - CAMERA TRACKS
with her.

CUT TO:
123.


INT. HOTEL - GARAGE - M.S.

Snowcat in garage. WENDY seen through open doorway. She
runs forward and enters garage, carrying knife. She stops
at entrance. Then she moves L-R towards Snowcat, and picks
up distributor cap. CAMERA TRACKS IN on her, reacting to
damaged distributor cap.

CUT TO:

BLACK FRAMES.

Superimposed over:

4 p.m.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Overlook Hotel in b.g. Snow and trees in f.g.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Wendy, weeping, is stopped by Jack as she tries to leave through the food store. Jack sends her to check out the radio and Snowcat. Wendy finds the distributor cap for the Snowcat damaged and runs out of the hotel with a knife in hand. She reaches the garage and picks up the damaged distributor cap.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between Wendy and Jack is palpable. The escalating danger is well established."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger, and the characters could be more fleshed out."
Critique Firstly, the scene is lacking in detail and description, making it hard to visualise and understand what is happening. The actions of the characters also seem a bit vague and disconnected. For example, we don't know why Wendy is weeping or why Jack is laughing. There is also a lack of emotional depth in the scene, which could lead to the audience feeling disconnected from the characters.

Additionally, the dialogue seems forced and unnatural, leading to a lack of believability in the scene. The use of off-screen dialogue, while it can be effective in some instances, seems overused in this case and can be jarring to the audience.

The scene also could benefit from better pacing and structure. The rapid cuts and lack of connective tissue between scenes can make the scene feel disjointed and confusing. The use of black frames to indicate a time change could be more effectively communicated through visual cues and dialogue.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more descriptive detail, better writing, pacing, and structure to make it an effective and engaging part of the screenplay.
Suggestions As a screenwriting AI, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1) Provide more detail and description to help the reader visualize the setting and action. What does the food store room look like? Is it cluttered or organized? What kind of emotions are conveyed through Wendy's weeping?

2) Develop the characters further. Who is Wendy and why is she weeping? Why is Jack laughing? What is their relationship to each other?

3) Be more specific in the action and dialogue. Instead of simply saying "Wendy exits cam.L.", describe how she exits and what her body language suggests. Instead of just having Jack say "Go check it out!", give more context to his words and tone.

4) Consider adding more tension and conflict to the scene. Right now, it's unclear what Wendy's objective is or why she's carrying a knife. If the audience is meant to feel on edge, there should be a clearer sense of danger or a looming threat.

By incorporating these elements, the scene could become more engaging and impactful for the audience.



Scene 37 -  Jack and Grady's Conversation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - FOOD STORE ROOM - M.C.S.

JACK asleep on sacks. CAMERA TRACKS BACK. KNOCK ON DOOR
OFF. JACK stirs and rubs his eyes. KNOCK ON DOOR OFF.
Jack sits up.

JACK
Wendy?

CAMERA TRACKS BACK as JACK feels his R. ankle.

GRADY (OFF)
It's Grady, Mr. Torrance. Delbert
Grady.

JACK
Grady... oh.

JACK puts his hand up on shelf.

JACK
Oh Grady... right. Grady... er...

JACK stands up and moves R-L behind shelves towards door.
CAMERA TRACKS with him.

JACK
Hullo Grady.

JACK moves R-L to door and leans on it with his hand.
124.


GRADY (OFF)
Mr. Torrance, I see you can hardly
have taken care of the...

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK by door.

GRADY (OFF)
business we discussed.

He moves back R-L from door.

JACK
No need to rub it in, Mr. Grady.
I'll deal with that situation as
soon as I get out of here.

GRADY (OFF)
Will you indeed, Mr. Torrance.

He puts his hand up to his head.

GRADY (OFF)
I wonder. I have my doubts.

He lowers his hand from his head.

GRADY (OFF)
I and others have come to believe...
that your heart is not in this,
that you haven't the belly for it.

JACK laughs.

JACK
Just give me one more chance to
prove it, Mr. Grady. That's all I
ask.

GRADY (OFF)
Your wife appears to be stronger
than we imagined, Mr. Torrance.
Somewhat more resourceful, she
seems to have got the better of you.

JACK
For the moment, Mr. Grady. Only
for the moment.
125.


GRADY (OFF)
I fear that you will have to deal
with this matter in the harshest
possible way, Mr. Torrance. I fear
that is the only thing to do.

JACK
There's nothing I look forward to
with the greater pleasure, Mr. Grady.

GRADY (OFF)
You give your word on that do you,
Mr. Torrance?

JACK nods his head.

JACK
I give you my word.

SOUND OF BOLT BEING DRAWN & HANDLE BEING UNFASTENED OFF.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - L.S.

HALLORAN driving Snowcat forward along snow-covered road
between banks of trees.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLORAN'S SNOWCAT - M.C.S.

HALLORAN driving Snowcat L-R along road.

DISSOLVE TO:

M.S. Shooting from behind HALLORAN sitting cam.L through
windscreen, with wipers working, as he moves forward along
snow-covered road. Trees on either side of road.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.C.S.

DANNY moves away R-L towards his MOTHER asleep in bed.
CAMERA PANS with him.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum.

DANNY stops beside WENDY asleep in bed.
126.


TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

WENDY stirs in bed. DANNY reaches out with his hand for
knife on table cam.R of bed.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

DANNY holds up knife.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He feels blade.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He takes hand away from blade.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

He turns away from bed and holding knife up walks L-R.
CAMERA PANS with him.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum. Red Rum.

He stops by dressing table.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

He picks up lipstick from dressing table.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He turns away from dressing table.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum.

DANNY walks R-L away to door - CAMERA PANS with him.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

CUT TO:
127.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Grady visits Jack and questions his commitment to his job. Jack vows to do better and prove himself, but Grady warns him that he will have to handle matters harshly. Meanwhile, Danny experiences strange visions.
Strengths "The tension between Jack and Grady is palpable, creating a sense of unease that permeates the scene. The dialogue is sharp and adds depth to the characters. The use of Danny's visions adds an eerie layer to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat slow-paced and may feel repetitive for some viewers. The lack of action could be a turnoff for those expecting more conventional horror."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide feedback on the scene structure and dialogue.

Overall, the scene is well-written, with clear dialogue that advances the plot and characters. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

- The scene could benefit from more action or movement. While the camera does track with Jack as he wakes up and moves towards the door, there is little else happening visually. Including more movement or actions (even small ones like Jack picking up an object or fidgeting) could add interest and tension to the scene.
- The dialogue could use more subtext. While the conversation between Jack and Grady is clear in its intentions, there is little left unsaid or hinted at. Including more subtext or hidden meanings behind the words could add depth and mystery to the scene.
- The formatting could be improved. While the formatting is generally correct, there are a few instances where it is unclear which piece of dialogue belongs to which character.

Overall, the scene is well-written, but could benefit from more action, subtext, and clarity in formatting.
Suggestions 1. Character clarity:
While it’s clear who Delbert Grady is, it’s not necessarily clear who Jack is speaking to when he says Wendy’s name. Adding some context or a brief line of dialogue to indicate that he’s confused or disoriented upon waking up could help.

2. Action and setting description:
The action and setting description is limited in this scene, with most of the focus on dialogue. Adding more detail and description to the setting and character actions could help the scene feel more immersive and engaging.

3. Tension and conflict:
While there is some tension and conflict present in the scene, it could be heightened with greater emphasis on the stakes for Jack and the situation he finds himself in. Finding ways to make the conflict more immediate and visceral could help to heighten the stakes and keep viewers engaged.



Scene 38 -  Red Rum
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - JACK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - M.S.

DANNY holding knife and lipstick at door. WENDY asleep in
bed in b.g.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He starts to write with lipstick the word "MURDER" IN
reverse on the door.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

He finishes writing word and looks at word.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum.

He turns and walks away to WENDY asleep in bed.

TONY'S VOICE
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY wakes and sits up with a SHRIEK.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY beside WENDY in bed.

DANNY
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.

WENDY gets out of bed and takes knife away from him.

WENDY
Danny. Danny, stop it. Danny!

DANNY
Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum. Red
Rum.

WENDY puts her arms round DANNY and pulls him towards her.
She looks over his shoulder.

WENDY
Eh...

She reacts - CAMERA ZOOMS IN on her face.

CUT TO:
128.


M.S. WENDY's P.O.V. The word "MURDER" written by DANNY on
door - reflected in mirror. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on word. SOUND
OF AXE STRIKING DOOR OFF.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY shrieks and looks cam.L. She puts her hand up
to DANNY's head.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at front door of his apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY holding DANNY in her arms gets up off bed.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at front door of apartment.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

WENDY, with DANNY in her arms, looks about, then moves to
door with "MURDER" in reverse written on it. She opens door
and goes into bathroom, with DANNY, closing door behind her.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY, with DANNY clinging to her, closes the door. Then
she bolts and locks it.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at door and splinters a panel.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY & DANNY move R-L from door to window. She drops knife
in basin as she passes it. CAMERA PANS with them.
129.


WENDY unbolts window and raises the bottom part.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY tries to force bottom part of window higher up.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.C.S.

DANNY clinging to WENDY looks over his shoulder as he hears
axe splintering door OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at splintered panel on door.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL BATHROOM WINDOW - M.S.

WENDY looking out of window.

CUT TO:

L.S. HOTEL. WENDY at bathroom window. She draws back into
bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - M.S.

JACK swings axe at splintered panel on door.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

JACK pulls piece of wood away from splintered panel, and
looks through gap.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK at gap in panel.

JACK
Wendy, I'm home.
130.


He looks down. CAMERA TILTS DOWN - he removes a piece of
wood with hand and then reaches in and unlocks door.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY, back to camera, lifts DANNY up to open window.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

WENDY pushes DANNY out through open window onto snow. She
lets him go and he slides L-R down snow. He stands up at
the bottom, and looks up at WENDY at window.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY struggling to get out of open window.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - M.S.

JACK, carrying axe, moves up stairs from open front door.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK with him.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Danny, under possession, writes 'MURDER' backward with lipstick on the apartment door and continues to murmur 'Red Rum.' Wendy wakes up to the commotion while Jack advances with an axe. Wendy protects Danny and takes him to the bathroom, from where they try to escape through a window. Jack breaks through the door and reaches out for Wendy as she struggles to leave.
Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension, revealing more about the possession and the danger it poses. The use of the mirror and the reflection of the word 'MURDER' was a creative visual touch."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been more impactful, especially since this is a key scene in the film. The blocking of the action, though necessary for the story, at times feels repetitive."
Critique This scene offers tension and suspense as we see Danny's behavior change and he begins to write "murder" in reverse on the door with lipstick. The use of Tony's voice and the repetition of "Red Rum" is effective in building the tension. However, the transitions between shots could be smoother, as the cuts feel abrupt and jarring at times. Additionally, some parts could benefit from more description of the characters' emotions, like when Wendy wakes up with a shriek or when she struggles to get out of the open window. Overall, the scene creates a sense of danger and a feeling of being trapped, with the sound of the axe striking the door adding to the tension.
Suggestions There are several areas where this scene could be improved to make it more engaging and suspenseful. Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more tension and suspense to the build-up: Start the scene with Danny listening intently to Tony's voice, his eyes wide open. Perhaps have him looking back and forth between the door and Wendy's sleeping form, showing the internal conflict going on in his mind. Then, when he picks up the knife and starts to write on the door, have some ominous music playing in the background, gradually getting louder and more intense.

2. Increase the stakes: It's not clear why Danny is writing "Murder" on the door, or what he's trying to achieve. Perhaps Tony's voice could be more menacing, telling him that he needs to warn Wendy about some imminent danger. This would not only add more tension to the scene, but also give the audience a reason to care about what's happening.

3. Make the action more dynamic: Instead of just having Jack swing the axe at the door, have him chasing Wendy and Danny through the apartment, breaking down doors and crashing through walls. This would make the scene more visually interesting and exciting to watch.

4. Use camera angles to create a sense of claustrophobia and confinement: In the bathroom scene, film from a low angle close to Wendy and Danny, showing the walls closing in on them. This will make the audience feel trapped along with the characters and increase the tension.

5. Give Wendy a more active role: Instead of just holding Danny and trying to calm him down, have her come up with a plan to escape and fight back against Jack. This will make her a more compelling character and give the audience someone to root for.

Overall, by making these changes, the scene could be transformed into a more engaging and memorable part of the film.



Scene 39 -  The Shining - Axe Attack
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY struggling to get out of bathroom window. She goes
back into bathroom.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY looking up cam.L at bathroom window.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - M.S.

JACK, carrying axe, walks away across Living Room into
Bedroom. CAMERA TRACKS after him.

JACK
Come out, come out, wherever you are!

CUT TO:
131.


INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY trying to force window up higher. She looks over her
shoulder, then puts her head down to open window.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY tries to get out of open window.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK enters cam.R. He stops at Bathroom door. HE RAPS ON
DOOR.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY with head out of open Bathroom window.

WENDY
Danny, I can't get out!

CUT TO:

L.S. WENDY at Bathroom window cam.L. DANNY at foot of slope
of snow looking up cam.L.

WENDY
Run, run and hide. Run, quick!

DANNY runs away L-R.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK at Bathroom door.

JACK
Little pigs, little pigs, let me
come in!

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY by open window. She moves L-R to basin. CAMERA PANS
with her. She picks up knife and moves R-L to side of door.
132.


CAMERA PANS with her.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK at Bathroom door.

JACK
Not by the hair on your chiny,
chin, chin. Then I'll huff, and
I'll puff

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK holding axe back to camera at Bathroom door.

JACK (CONT'D)
and I'll blow your house in.

He swings axe back.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK swings axe twice at Bathroom door. WENDY SCREAMS
OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY standing at side of door. JACK's axe appear through
door. WENDY SCREAMS. JACK's axe repeatedly appears and
splinters door. WENDY screams.

WENDY
Jack. Please. Don't... Don't...

Head of axe appears through splintered door. WENDY SCREAMS.

WENDY
Don't! Oh! Please

Head of axe appears again through door. WENDY SCREAMS.

WENDY
Stop!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. Splintered door panel.

WENDY (OFF)
Jack!
133.


JACK in b.g. swings axe at door and smashes away the
splintered wood.

WENDY (OFF)
Stop it! Stop it!

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.S.

JACK swings axe at splintered door.

WENDY (OFF)
Stop it!

JACK moves L-R to gap in splintered door. WENDY SCREAMS OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.C.S.

JACK's face at gap in splintered door.

JACK
Here's Johnny!

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY holding knife SCREAMS.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's smiling face at gap in splintered door. He
moves backwards and reaches in through gap.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's hand in through gap in door to key on inside
of door.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY strikes down with knife.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK's hand on key. WENDY's knife slashes across
back of his hand, and withdraws cam.R. JACK's hand moves to
gap in door. JACK YELLS OFF.

CUT TO:
134.


M.C.S. JACK's face at gap in door. HE IS YELLING. He looks
down and turns away from door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror"]

Summary Jack Torrance, wielding an axe, breaks into the bathroom where his wife Wendy is hiding and tries to kill her. Wendy defends herself with a knife.
Strengths "Intense and suspenseful scene, with strong character development and emotional depth."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is minimal and the action takes place in only one location."
Critique There are a few things to note about this scene that could be improved upon.

First, the scene lacks clear direction in terms of blocking and camera angles. For instance, it's not entirely clear why Wendy is struggling to get out of the bathroom window - is it too small for her to fit through, or is it stuck? The scene could benefit from clearer actions and motivations for the characters, which would also affect the camera angles used.

Additionally, there are a lot of jump cuts in the scene which can feel disorienting or jarring for the audience. It might be helpful to slow down the pace of the scene and allow for more natural transitions between shots.

Finally, some of the dialogue could be improved to feel more authentic to the characters. Having Jack quote "little pigs, little pigs, let me come in" feels like a cheesy horror movie cliche rather than something that would realistically come out of his mouth.

Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from some script revisions and more thoughtful direction.
Suggestions Overall, this scene needs more clarity in terms of character motivation and action. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify why Wendy is struggling with the window. Perhaps there is something blocking it, or it is frozen shut. This will make her attempts to escape more understandable and heighten tension.

2. Instead of just having Jack carrying an axe and walking through rooms, give him a clear objective. Is he actively searching for Wendy or just casually looking around? Giving him a clear goal will make him a more active and threatening presence.

3. Consider adding more action to the scene. Right now, there is a lot of back-and-forth between Wendy and Jack without much actual movement. Try adding physical action, such as Jack breaking through the door while Wendy tries to defend herself, to increase dynamics.

4. Finally, consider giving Wendy more agency in the scene. Right now, she is mostly reactive and at the mercy of Jack's actions. Giving her a clearer plan of action or more agency in trying to defend herself will make the scene more engaging.



Scene 40 -  The Overlook Hotel Massacre
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT - M.S.

Shooting from behind HALLORAN sitting back to camera L.f.g.
through windscreen as he drives along snow-covered road.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY at side of door. She looks cam.R as she hears
HALLORAN's Snowcat approaching OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK at Bathroom door - he turns round as he hears HALLORAN's
Snowcat approaching OFF. He looks down cam.L.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT - L.S.

HALLORAN's Snowcat moves R-L along snow-covered road.
CAMERA TRACKS with it revealing Overlook Hotel in b.g.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - M.C.S.

JACK looking cam.R. He turns away to splintered door.
SOUND OF SNOWCAT OFF.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.C.S.

WENDY at side of door listening.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

HALLORAN's Snowcat moves R-L along front of Hotel. CAMERA
TRACKS with it. Snowcat stops.

CUT TO:
135.


INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - KITCHEN - M.L.S.

DANNY runs forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS BACK
before him. He runs into kitchen - stops and moves L-R to
oven. He kneels down beside it. CAMERA PANS with him.
DANNY slides oven door open R-L and crawls into it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY in oven slides door R-L.

CUT TO:

M.S. Oven door sliding L-R.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK holding axe limps R-L through kitchen. CAMERA
TRACKS with him.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - M.S.

WENDY sobbing at side of door - then she moves to door and
slashes at it with knife.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

HALLORAN walking R-L. CAMERA TRACKS with him. He moves to
door left open by WENDY. He pulls it open wide and exits
into Hotel.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

JACK holding axe moves forward - CAMERA PANS R-L and TRACKS
with him. He moves away up stairs.

HALLORAN (OFF)
Hallo!

JACK at top of stairs.

HALLORAN (OFF)
Anybody here?

JACK moves away from stairs CAMERA TRACKS after him. JACK
moves R-L and looks down at Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS after him.
136.


HALLORAN (OFF)
Hallo! Anybody here?

CUT TO:

M.L.S. HALLORAN moves forward along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS
FORWARD.

HALLORAN
Hallo!

HALLORAN moves R-L to entrance to Lobby.

HALLORAN
Anybody here?

HALLORAN moves away into Lobby. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after
him.

HALLORAN
Hallo! Hallo! Anybody here?

JACK, holding axe, YELLS as he steps from behind pillar
cam.R and moves towards HALLORAN.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK YELLING as he swings axe at HALLORAN.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN's chest - axe pierces raincoat and blood
oozes out.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK over HALLORAN. JACK holding onto shaft of axe.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:
137.


M.S. JACK over HALLORAN, holding onto shaft of axe.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. HALLORAN, with his mouth wide open, sinks down out of
shot.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY, with his mouth wide open.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK rises up into shot.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK holding axe standing beside body of HALLORAN on
floor. JACK limps forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before him.

JACK
Danny! Danny boy!

He stops at corridor to kitchen.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK back to camera in R.f.g. DANNY climbs out of
oven in b.g. JACK moves forward. DANNY exits cam.R.f.g.
JACK limps away. CAMERA TRACKS IN after him.

JACK
Danny! Danny!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["horror","thriller"]

Summary Jack, now possessed by the hotel's malevolent spirits, goes on a killing spree and murders Dick Halloran. Wendy unsuccessfully attempts to defend herself with a knife. Danny hides in the hotel's kitchen oven. The scene ends with Danny emerging from the oven and Jack calling out for him.
Strengths "The tension and suspense build up throughout the scene, culminating in Jack's brutal murder of Dick. The use of sound, particularly the sound of the Snowcat, is effective in building an eerie atmosphere. The final shot of Danny emerging from the oven is haunting."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is limited, with most of the characters just shouting each other's name. The camera work can be disorienting at times, especially during the chase scene through the hotel's corridors."
Critique Overall, this scene lacks specificity and clarity in terms of character actions and motivations. It is difficult to tell who is where and why they are doing what they are doing. There are also several areas where the descriptions could be improved, such as the use of abbreviations (e.g. "M.L.S.") or unclear terminology (e.g. "cam.R.f.g.").

Additionally, the scene relies heavily on camera movements and angles to convey information, rather than character actions and dialogue. This can make it a visually interesting scene, but does not necessarily make it engaging or impactful.

To improve the scene, the writer could focus on clarifying character actions and motivations, adding more dialogue to help establish character relationships and tension, and using more specific and clear language to describe scenes and camera movements.
Suggestions There are several ways to improve this scene:

1. Add more tension: The scene feels somewhat flat and lacks tension. Consider adding more suspenseful music, jump scares or making the shots shorter to create a sense of urgency.

2. Add more dialogue: The characters don't say much besides "Hallo" and "Danny." Consider adding more dialogue or having them react to the situation in a more realistic and emotional way.

3. Make the action more clear: Some of the actions are unclear, such as when Wendy slashes at the door with a knife. Consider showing the knife in her hand or having her yell in frustration to make the action clearer.

4. Consider the pacing: The scene jumps back and forth between different locations. Consider restructuring the scene so that the tension builds more gradually and the audience can better follow the action.

5. Show more of the hotel: The scene could benefit from more establishing shots of the hotel to help the audience better understand the layout and setting.



Scene 41 -  The Chase through the Maze
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HOTEL - STAIRS - M.S.

High Angle WENDY runs up stairs L-R. She pauses on landing.

WENDY
Danny!

CAMERA TRACKS BACK before WENDY as she goes up next flight
of stairs. She stops at top of stairs and looks along
landing.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. WENDY'S P.O.V. Shooting along landing into open
doorway of bedroom.
138.


MAN, dressed in Dog's costume, kneeling at foot of bed. He
leans back and looks towards her. MAN, in evening dress,
leans forward and looks at WENDY. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on them.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY, holding knife, at top of stairs backs away -
then turns and runs away along corridor, exiting cam.L at end.

CUT TO:

INT. LOBBY - M.L.S.

JACK, holding axe, limps forward and moves L-R through
entrance. He walks away to open door. CAMERA TRACKS after
him. He stops in doorway.

CUT TO:

EXT. OVERLOOK HOTEL - NIGHT - M.L.S.

Shooting from door. HALLORAN's Snowcat in b.g. CAMERA PANS
L-R.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - M.S.

JACK, holding axe, at open doorway. He comes in and moves
L-R to switch panel on wall. He opens cover and presses
switches down. He leans towards open doorway and watches
lights going on outside.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

DANNY crouched behind track of HALLORAN's Snowcat. He peers
round corner.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

JACK limps to open doorway and stops.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:
139.


EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

DANNY by track of HALLORAN's Snowcat. He moves away L-R.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK limps away from door.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY runs L-R and exits cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limping L-R from Hotel. CAMERA TRACKS with him.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY running away L-R across snow. CAMERA PANS with
him. He runs into Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limping L-R. CAMERA TRACKS with him. Hotel in b.g.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

DANNY running away through Maze. CAMERA TRACKS after him.
He looks back over his shoulder.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK in the Maze. He limps forward. CAMERA TRACKS
BACK before him.

JACK
Danny! I'm coming. I'm coming Dan!

He looks down.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY's footprints in snow. CAMERA TILTS UP & TRACKS
FORWARD along DANNY's footprints.

CUT TO:
140.


M.C.S. DANNY's feet and legs running away through Maze.
CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY, carrying knife, runs forward into kitchen. She looks
towards stairs in b.g.

WENDY
Danny!

WENDY stumbles forward through coffee pots and rings on
floor. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before her.

WENDY
Oh!

WENDY turns R-L. CAMERA TRACKS with her. She moves away
along corridor. CAMERA TRACKS after her. She stops at
corner. CAMERA CONTINUES PAST her revealing HALLORAN lying
dead on floor of lobby.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY reacts.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. HALLORAN's body lying on floor. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on it.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY looks about. She moves away R-L. CAMERA PANS
with her. She SCREAMS and turns to cam.R. CAMERA WHIP PANS
L-R onto M.L.S. INJURED GUEST.

CUT TO:

M.S. WENDY reacting - knife trembles in her hand.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. INJURED GUEST, with scar running down his head and
face. He raises glass he is holding.

INJURED GUEST
Great party, isn't it?

CUT TO:
141.


M.S. WENDY SCREAMING turns and runs away.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary Wendy and Jack chase after Danny through the hotel maze, while the Man in the Dog's costume watches and other guests meet a grisly fate.
Strengths "The tension and suspense build as Wendy and Jack close in on Danny. The use of the maze as a metaphor for the characters' confusion and disorientation works well."
Weaknesses "The dialogue in this scene is not particularly strong, and some of the actions seem a bit contrived."
Critique This scene is difficult to critique without any context or understanding of the story or characters. However, there are several technical issues with the writing that could be improved.

Firstly, the scene lacks clear visual descriptions and character motivations. It is not clear why Wendy is running up the stairs or what she is searching for. The description of the man in the dog costume and the man in evening dress kneeling at the foot of the bed is confusing and needs more explanation.

Secondly, the scene jumps around too much, which disrupts the flow and pacing. The numerous cuts to different locations and characters make it difficult to follow and comprehend the action.

Thirdly, the dialogue is minimal and lacks depth. It does not reveal much about the characters or move the plot forward. The line "Great party, isn't it?" at the end feels out of place and does not fit the tense and suspenseful tone of the scene.

Overall, the scene needs more clarity and focus to improve its impact on the audience. Establishing character motivations and clear descriptions of the action will help the audience follow along and become emotionally invested in the story.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. It is unclear who Wendy is calling out to when she first says "Danny." Adding a small detail like "Danny, where are you?" would clarify and add urgency to her search.

2. The camera directions can be streamlined and simplified to make the scene easier to follow.

3. Adding some dialogue or action to the characters in the bedroom scene would make it more engaging. Perhaps Dog could say something to the suited man or react to Wendy's arrival.

4. Instead of simply showing Jack limping away from the hotel and shouting for Danny multiple times, the scene could be shortened by having Wendy or Danny hear him and react, thus adding tension and urgency to their escape.

5. The scene could use more description and sensory details to enhance the mood and atmosphere.

6. Finally, the dialogue from the injured guest feels out of place and breaks the tension of the scene. Consider removing it altogether or finding a way to make it more ominous or foreboding.



Scene 42 -  The Chase
  • Overall: 5.0
  • Concept: 4
  • Plot: 5
  • Characters: 5
  • Dialogue: 2
EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.L.S.

DANNY running away through Maze. CAMERA TRACKS after him.

JACK (OFF)
Danny! Danny! I'm coming!

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limps forward in Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK before
him.

JACK
You can't get away. I'm right
behind you.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR & LOUNGE - M.L.S.

WENDY runs forward.

WENDY
Danny!

WENDY runs forward and then moves R-L. CAMERA PANS with
her - she stops cam.R.f.g. and SCREAMS.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY looking about.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. SKELETONS sitting in chairs. Bottle of champagne on
table in f.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. SKELETONS sitting at table with bottle and glasses on it.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. SKELETONS sitting in chairs round tables with bottles
on them.

CUT TO:
142.


EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.L.S.

JACK limps away through Maze. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after
him.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY steps backwards in his footprints in snow.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limps forward laughing.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY stepping backwards in his footprints in snow.
He jumps L-R landing in snow, and crawls L-R - brushing his
traces in the snow out with his hands.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - CORRIDOR - M.L.S.

WENDY holding knife runs forward. She slows down as she
nears f.g. She moves R-L. CAMERA PANS with her to open
door. She stops by doorway and looks along corridor towards
lift doors in b.g.

CUT TO:

M.S. Lift doors. Blood gushes in cam.L and surges forward
along floor.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. WENDY reacts.

CUT TO:

M.S. Lift doors. Blood gushes in cam.L and cam.R - surging
forward in wave towards camera.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

DANNY sitting leaning against side of Maze. CAMERA TRACKS
R-L revealing JACK, holding axe, cam.R.b.g. He limps R-L
and moves away along Maze.

CUT TO:
143.


M.S. DANNY's footprints in the snow - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD
and stops when footprints end. CAMERA TILTS UP to snow
without footprints.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. JACK - he looks about then back and forwards - and
finally cam.R.

JACK
Danny!

He looks cam.L.

CUT TO:

M.C.S. DANNY crouched against side of Maze.

JACK (OFF)
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK - he looks about then cam.L.

JACK
Danny!

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK limps L-R and exits cam.R.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY appears from behind mound of snow and moves
forward R-L.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY's P.O.V. Empty Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY moves away R-L from mound of snow. CAMERA PANS
with him. He runs away along Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. Footprints in snow in Maze. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD
along footprints.

CUT TO:
144.


M.L.S. JACK, back to camera, limping away along Maze.
CAMERA TRACKS after him.

CUT TO:

M.S. JACK limps forward along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK
before him.

CUT TO:

M.S. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD along Maze.

CUT TO:

M.S. DANNY runs forward along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK moves to opening cam.R. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD -
he turns and moves R-L to opening cam.L. CAMERA PANS with
him. He stops and turns - then moves L-R. CAMERA PANS with
him and TRACKS after him as he limps along MAZE.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY sobbing and holding knife runs away to HALLORAN's
Snowcat in b.g. CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD after her. She stops
by Snowcat and looks about.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Horror"]

Summary Danny is chased by his possessed father Jack and Wendy searches for him in the hotel. The hotel is littered with skeletons as Jack catches up to Danny. Wendy finds blood pouring out of the elevator doors. She eventually runs to Halloran's Snowcat for safety.
Strengths "The tension and chase scene is well-executed and creates a sense of urgency. The visuals of the skeletons and blood add to the horror elements. The different character motivations and actions create conflict."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is weak and the scene lacks suspense. The pacing can drag at times, and the switching between different character perspectives can be disorienting."
Critique Overall, this scene lacks any clear purpose or narrative drive. It jumps between different characters and locations without a clear sense of how they all connect or why we should care about them. The use of quick cuts and multiple camera angles can create tension and excitement in a scene, but in this case, it feels chaotic and unfocused. There is also a reliance on cliched horror visuals such as skeletons and blood, which do little to add to the story or characters. In order to improve this scene, the writer should focus on developing a clear objective for each character and a sense of how their actions are advancing the overall narrative. They should also aim for more subtle, character-driven scares rather than relying on tired horror tropes.
Suggestions The main issue with this scene is that it is difficult to follow and lacks clear motivation for the characters. Here are some possible suggestions for improvements:

1. Clarify the stakes: Before this scene, it would be helpful to establish why Danny is running away, why Jack is chasing him, and why Wendy is searching for Danny. Are they trying to escape the hotel? Is Danny in danger? Once the stakes are clear, the audience will be more invested in the outcome of the scene.

2. Emphasize the geography: The scene takes place in a maze, but it's not always clear where the characters are in relation to each other. Consider adding more shots that establish the layout of the maze and where the characters are moving.

3. Add tension: Right now, the scene feels flat and repetitive. Consider adding obstacles for the characters to overcome, such as locked doors or dead ends in the maze. This will create more tension and give the characters more to do than simply run around.

4. Develop the characters: It's not clear why Jack is limping or why Wendy is carrying a knife. Adding some backstory or motivation for the characters will make them feel more real and give the audience a reason to care about them.

5. Streamline the action: Some of the shots feel repetitive or unnecessary, such as the multiple shots of skeletons with champagne bottles. Consider cutting some of these shots to streamline the action and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 43 -  Escape and Tragedy
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 5
EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

DANNY runs forward in Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK. DANNY
looks over his shoulder and falls down in snow at entrance.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.S.

WENDY standing by HALLORAN's Snowcat. She throws down knife.

WENDY
Danny! Danny!

She runs forward and out cam.R.f.g.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. DANNY lying on snow at entrance to Maze. He gets up
and runs R-L. CAMERA PANS with him.
145.


DANNY
Mommy...

WENDY (OFF)
Danny, come here!

DANNY
Mommy... Mommy...!

WENDY (OFF)
Danny!

DANNY runs R-L into WENDY's arms as she kneels on snow.

DANNY
Mommy!

WENDY
Oh!

WENDY hugs and kisses DANNY.

WENDY
Oh Danny!

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

JACK holding axe limps forward - CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

JACK
Danny! Where...

JACK GROANS.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - M.L.S.

WENDY holding DANNY moves R-L to HALLORAN's Snowcat. CAMERA
PANS with them. WENDY opens door of Snowcat and lifts DANNY
up to cab.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.L.S.

JACK GROANING staggers away along Maze - CAMERA TRACKS after
him.

JACK
Danny!
146.


He stumbles and lies in snow. He struggles up to his feet.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Snowcat with lights on moves R-L in front of Hotel, then
turns to cam.R. JACK SHOUTS INAUDIBLE OFF.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

JACK staggers forward. CAMERA TRACKS BACK - INDISTINCT
SHOUTS. He GROANS as he moves forward R-L.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - L.S.

Snowcat drives away down road. JACK INAUDIBLE SHOUTS OFF.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.

JACK staggers forward along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS BACK -
INDISTINCT MOANS & GROANS.

CUT TO:

M.L.S. JACK staggers away along Maze. CAMERA TRACKS after
him. INDISTINCT MOANS. He slumps down cam.L against side
of Maze.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - DAY - M.C.S.

JACK sitting up to his chest in snow dead. Snow and icicles
on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - GOLD BALLROOM - M.L.S.

Entrance to Gold Ballroom - CAMERA TRACKS FORWARD through
entrance to photographs on wall. CAMERA TRACKS IN close on
photograph of Guests at Ball.

DISSOLVE TO:
147.


M.S. Photograph of Guests at Ball.

DISSOLVE TO:

M.C.S. Photograph of YOUNG MAN in dinner jacket. CAMERA
TILTS DOWN TO:

OVERLOOK HOTEL
JULY 4th BALL
1921

FADE OUT.

BLACK FRAMES.
Genres: ["horror","drama"]

Summary Danny escapes the maze and reunites with Wendy as Jack limps towards them. Wendy and Danny leave in Halloran's Snowcat while Jack succumbs to the cold and dies in the maze.
Strengths "The scene is emotionally charged and wraps up the main story arc effectively."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is lacking and some of the actions of the characters are vague."
Critique Firstly, the formatting of the scene needs improvement. The description of the shots appears in all caps, and the scene headings (EXT. HOTEL - MAZE - M.S.) should be consistent and follow a standard format.

In terms of the content, the scene lacks proper character development and emotional depth. The dialogue between Wendy and Danny is redundant and lacks any depth of feeling. The action sequence is also not elaborated enough and lacks detail, leaving much to be desired from the scene.

The scene would benefit from character development, stronger dialogue, detailed action descriptions, and better scene formatting.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the setting: Where exactly is the maze in relation to the hotel? Is it a separate area, or is it connected to the hotel grounds?
2. Increase tension: The scene lacks urgency and tension. Consider adding obstacles or a sense of danger to increase the stakes for the characters.
3. Develop character motivations: Why does Wendy throw down the knife? What is her goal in this moment? What is Jack's goal as he staggers forward? Developing clear and consistent character motivations can add depth to the scene.
4. Trim unnecessary repetition: The dialogue between Danny and Wendy feels repetitive. Consider condensing or rephrasing it to make the scene more concise and impactful.
5. Consider visual storytelling: Can the scene be conveyed with visuals rather than dialogue? A strong visual sequence can often enhance the emotional impact of a scene.