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Scene 1 -  Veronica's Uneasy Integration into the Heathers' Circle
1 EXT. SAWYER'S BACKYARD -- DAWN 1

Elegiac music murmurs as three female and barefoot PAIRS OF
LEGS in skirts break from tableau to gently engage in Croquet.
A blue mallet hits a blue ball through a wicket, a green
mallet knocks a green ball, and a yellow mallet pushes forward
a yellow ball, all in enticing syncopation.

Suddenly a red ball rockets through the dew covered grass and
hits the green ball. The LEGS all stop moving as a FOURTH PAIR
OF LEGS, this one in stylish shoes and stockings, marches to
the red ball and steps on it. A red mallet is brought down
hard on the red ball causing the adjacent green ball to
thunder out of view. The Pair of Legs manuevering the green
ball departs. This process of elimination is grimly
repeated with the yellow ball and yet again with the blue
ball.

However, when the BLUE MALLETED PLAYER makes her sad exit,
the viewer's viewpoint glides along with this particular Pair
of Legs. A red ball whizzes by. The Legs stop. Another red
ball malevolently sails past the Legs. Then yet another red
ball. A fourth red ball makes brutal contact with the Legs
causing the Player to fall to her knees and into the frame. The
Player is VERONICA SAWYER.

2 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- DAY 2

VERONICA SAWYER, a sullen seventeen year old beauty, lies atop
her bed dressed in a chic but understated ensemble, her eyes
glazed open in a morning reverie. She blows up at her bangs
then slides off her bed, launching into voice-over narration
over the empty bed.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told me she teaches people
Real Life.

3 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY -- DAY 3

Continuing her narration, VERONICA glides through a bustling
high school hallway with a frozen smile.

VERONICA (V.O.)
She said Real Life sucks Losers dry.
If you want to fuck with the eagles,
you have to learn to fly.

4 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CAFETERIA -- DAY 4

With her back turned to the viewer, VERONICA stands at the
outskirts of the cafeteria entrance. The viewer's viewpoint
approaches and finally curls around VERONICA to reveal that
she is writing in a diary, wearing a monocle.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I said so you teach people how to
spread their wings and fly. She
said Yes.

THE DIARY PAGE

VERONICA'S pen sways across the diary page forming the words
echoed by her voice-over.

VERONICA (V.O.)
I said You're Beautiful.

A sudden off-screen bark from HEATHER MCNAMARA causes the pen
to recklessly rocket across the written words.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
God, come ON Veronica!

VERONICA coolly pops the monocle from her eye before angrily
addressing the amusingly robust, conventionally beautiful,
trendily coiffed HEATHER MCNAMARA.

VERONICA
What's your damage, Heather? You
ruined my...

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me,
blame Heather. She told me to haul
your ass into the caf pronto. Back
me up, Heather.

From behind HEATHER MCNAMARA emerges a similarly trendily
accessorized but noticeably more inhibited waif, HEATHER DUKE.
She is clutching a tattered copy of "The Catcher in the Rye."

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, she really wants to talk to you.

VERONICA
Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus...
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene opens with Veronica Sawyer, an outsider, getting eliminated from a croquet game with three popular girls, the Heathers. In her bedroom, Veronica reflects on her feelings towards the Heathers in a melancholic and contemplative voice-over narration. She is then approached by two of the Heathers, Heather McNamara and Heather Duke, who ask her to meet with Heather Chandler. The scene establishes a power dynamic between Veronica and the Heathers, and sets up conflicts both internal and external for Veronica. The visual elements of the scene include the croquet game, Veronica's bedroom, and a high school hallway, with key dialogue coming from Veronica's voice-over narration and her interactions with the Heathers. The scene ends with Veronica agreeing to meet with Heather Chandler, setting up the next scene.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Visual storytelling
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched high school tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively sets the tone for the rest of the screenplay, introducing key characters and themes with sharp dialogue and visual storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using Croquet as a metaphor for social dynamics is intriguing and sets up the themes of power and manipulation that will be explored throughout the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the introduction of conflict between characters and the establishment of Veronica Sawyer's internal struggle.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, blending elements of nostalgia with contemporary teenage angst. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the complexities of high school social dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, setting up their motivations and relationships effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica's character undergoes some initial changes as she navigates the social dynamics of her high school.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics of her high school and maintain her sense of self amidst peer pressure and expectations.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to handle the confrontation with Heather and navigate the social hierarchy of her high school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict introduced through the interactions between Veronica and the Heathers, setting up future tensions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting personalities and social pressures creating obstacles for Veronica to navigate.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key characters and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of its high school setting and character dynamics, but there are unexpected moments that add tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, conformity, and societal expectations. Veronica's interactions with Heather and the other students highlight the tension between staying true to oneself and fitting in.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, setting up the tone and themes of the story.

Dialogue: 10

The sharp and witty dialogue drives the scene forward, revealing character dynamics and setting the tone for the rest of the screenplay.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of visual storytelling, character dynamics, and thematic depth. The conflicts and interactions keep the audience invested in Veronica's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of introspective moments and dynamic interactions that maintain the audience's interest and drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions that drive the narrative forward. The pacing and formatting enhance the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of introducing Veronica and her world, but the transition from the croquet game to her bedroom could be smoother. Consider using a match cut or a more deliberate transition to make the connection between the two spaces clearer.
  • The dialogue in the scene is naturalistic and believable, but the narration can feel a bit stilted at times. Consider finding ways to integrate Veronica's thoughts and observations more seamlessly into the scene, rather than having her explicitly state them in voiceover.
  • The use of the diary is an interesting choice, but it can feel a bit gimmicky. Consider finding other ways to convey Veronica's thoughts and feelings, such as through her interactions with other characters or through more subtle visual cues.
Suggestions
  • Consider using a more deliberate transition between the croquet game and Veronica's bedroom, such as a match cut or a slow dissolve.
  • Try integrating Veronica's thoughts and observations more seamlessly into the scene, rather than having her explicitly state them in voiceover.
  • Experiment with different ways of conveying Veronica's thoughts and feelings, such as through her interactions with other characters or through more subtle visual cues.



Scene 2 -  Forgery and Bullying in the Cafeteria
5 INT. INSIDE THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 5
A5 A5
VERONICA, flanked by HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE,
strides into the lunchroom pandemonium.

The stunning HEATHER CHANDLER turns from the tray before her
toward her incoming comrades. She is dressed stylishly and
expensively but not trendily; her hair, dramatically tied
back.

VERONICA
(submissively)
Hello, Heather.

Pulling out a crumpled piece of yellow paper, HEATHER
CHANDLER smiles. The content of what Heather says is
consistently offensive but the tone in which she speaks
is sexy, dangerous, and mysterious. She is a mythic bitch.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of
Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge
a hot and horny but realistically
low-key note in Kurt's handwriting
and we'll slip it into Martha
Dumptruck's lunch tray.

VERONICA
Shit, Heather. I don't have anything
against Martha Dunnstock.

HEATHER CHANDLER
You don't have anything FOR her
either. Come on, it'll be Very. The
note'll give her shower nozzle
masturbation material for weeks.

VERONICA
I'll think about it.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(looking off)
Don't think.

B5 POV ON CAFETERIA LINE B5

Unattractive and quite overweight, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
guiltily plops two jellos on her tray and clunks forward in
line.

C5 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE C5

VERONICA's arm, seemingly involuntary, latches onto the
outstretched pen.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Splendid. I'll dictate. Veronica
needs something to write on.
Heather, bend over.

Both HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE bend over. HEATHER
CHANDLER violently laughs.

HEATHER CHANDLER
How nice. Two assholes: no waiting.

HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE stand erect, embarrassed.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Heather Duke, back down.

VERONICA scurries to the contorting HEATHER DUKE.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Dear Martha, you're so sweet..
D5 THE JOCKS' TABLE D5

The traditionally handsome KURT KELLY and the massive RAM sit
with other typical Jocks taking in VERONICA and the HEATHERS.

KURT
It'd be so righteous to be in a
Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler
sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.

KURT and RAM raise their right arms and slam their fists
together.

RAM
Hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on
my Johnson and just start spinning
her like a fucking pinwheel.

RAM makes a frantic spinning motion.

E5 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE E5

In slow motion, VERONICA finishes the note and rises up along
with her makeshift desk, HEATHER DUKE.

HEATHER MCNAMARA hawkishly gazes toward the cafeteria line.

VERONICA hands the note to an impressed HEATHER CHANDLER.

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK pays the CASHIER and then, grasping
her lunch tray with both hands, moves toward VERONICA and the
HEATHERS.

HEATHER MCNAMARA excitedly tugs on HEATHER CHANDLER'S arm as
MARTHA approaches. With a tranquil smile, HEATHER CHANDLER
passes the note to her frantic disciple.

In a self-consciously clandestine manner, HEATHER MCNAMARA
saunters past MARTHA then wields around to sneakily tuck the
note onto MARTHA's tray.

The slow motion concludes as their plump victim shuffles
past a magnetic preppie PETER DAWSON and a thin, black,
bespectacled DENNIS. The guys are working a large stand which
has a cashbox reading THE FOODLESS FUND and a banner reading
WESTERBURG FEEDS THE WORLD.

PETER
Come on people, let's give that
leftover lunch money to people
without lunches! Those tater tots
you threw away today are a delicacy
in Africa! They're Thanksgiving dinner!

F5 HEATHERS' TABLE F5

The Girls reach their table with HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER
DUKE sitting themselves down first.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
(looking to the stand)
God, aren't they fed yet? Do they
even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

VERONICA
(low key sarcasm)
Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians, tater
tots; it's a real party continent.

HEATHER CHANDLER draws up a clipboard.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Sawyer. Guess what today is?

VERONICA
Ouch....the lunchtime poll. So
what's the question?

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, so what's the question?

HEATHER CHANDLER
God-damn Heather, you were with me
in Study Hall when I thought of it.
Such a pillowcase.

HEATHER DUKE
(hurt)
I forgot.

G5 ANOTHER ANGLE G5

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER briskly bop away from the table
as a wounded HEATHER DUKE retreats to The Catcher in the Rye.

VERONICA
Hey, this question wouldn't be that
bizarro thing you were babbling
about over the phone last......

HEATHER CHANDLER
Shut up, it is. I told Dennis if he
gave me another topic that was
political, I'd spew burrito chunks.

VERONICA shakes her head and looks off. She's suddenly
captured by the sight of a JAMES DEANESQUE GUY sitting stark
in a long, tan gunslinger coat, behind a Rebel Without a Cause
lunchbox. They make eye contact.

Transfixed, VERONICA crashes into seated BETTY FINN, a
slightly overweight, unstylishly dressed sweetie surrounded by
clones.

BETTY
Sorry Veronica.
VERONICA
Betty Finn. Gosh.....

VERONICA crouches down, embarrassed and rueful.

VERONICA
I'm really sorry I couldn't make it
to your birthday party last month.

BETTY
That's okay. Your Mom said you had
a big date. Heck, I'd probably skip
my own birthday party for a date.

VERONICA gently laughs at BETTY's innocent awe.

VERONICA
Don't say that.

BETTY
Oh Ronnie, you have to look at
what I dug up the other day.

BETTY pulls from her purse a picture showing a YOUNG BETTY
FINN AND VERONICA SAWYER, arm-in-arm, dressed in Halloween
costumes: BETTY is an angel, VERONICA is a witch.

VERONICA glows at the photo until HEATHER CHANDLER tows
VERONICA away causing the picture to fall face up on the
floor.

H5 ANOTHER ANGLE H5

VERONICA
I was talking with someone!

HEATHER CHANDLER
Color me impressed. I thought you
grew out of Betty FInn.

THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE

A coolly coed cabal of Country Club Kids icily eye the
approaching VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER. Country Club
kid COUTRNEY sourly speaks out.

COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.

KEITH
Shit.

I5 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE I5

Alone at a table in the Siberia of the cafeteria, MARTHA
finishes a forkful of chicken. She spears her plate again and
brings the fork up. The note is wedged inside it.
J5 THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE J5

HEATHER CHANDLER, Veronica in tow, hits the Country Club Kids
with a salvo of false pleasantness, capped by a scowling
smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Hi Courtney. Love your blouse. Ooh,
let me snare a tater.

COURTNEY expresses elation in spite of herself as HEATHER
CHANDLER delicately takes a tot and turns around to face
VERONICA. HEATHER CHANDLER inserts her finger in her mouth
doing the "induce-vomiting" signal before devouring the tot
and turning back around.

COURTNEY
Thanks. I just got it last night at
the Limited. Totally blew my allowance.

HEATHER CHANDLER raises her clipboard. VERONICA closes her
eyes and shakes her head with a half-smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER
That's pretty very. Now check this out. You
win five million dollars from Publishers
Sweepstakes, but on the same day what's-
his-face gives you the check, aliens
land on earth and say they're going
to blow up the world in two days.
What would you do?

A stunned tableau; until Country Club Kid KEITH speaks.

KEITH
That's easy. I'd just slide that wad
over to my father. He's like one of
the top brokers in the state.

VERONICA
Wake up. In two days, Earth's going
up like a Roman Candle. Crab Nebula City.

KEITH
Man, in two days, my dad could
double my money. Triple it.

COURTNEY
If I got that money, I'd give it
all to the Homeless. Every cent.

VERONICA
You're beautiful.

K5 THE FOODLESS FUND STAND K5

PETER reaches into the Foodless Fund Box and takes some bills.
PETER
Dennis, my man, run over to Mickey
D.'s and get me a Big Mac and some fries.

DENNIS
But that's the Foodless Fund money.

PETER
Hey, even Bob Geldof's got to eat.
If it makes you feel better, bag the
fries, and nab yourself an Apple Pie.

L5 CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE L5

HEATHER CHANDLER drags VERONICA down a cafeteria lane.

HEATHER CHANDLER
If you're going to openly be a bitch....

VERONICA
(submissive)
I'm sorry, it's just why can't we
talk to different kinds of people?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I
look like Mother Theresa? If I did,
I probably wouldn't mind talking to
the Geek Squad.

She points to a table of unfashionably dressed and coiffed
students. Some wear glasses, some wear braces, some wear
both.

M5 THE GEEKS' TABLE M5

The GEEKS react to being pointed at. Their boney leader RODNEY
splatters milk over himself.

RODNEY
Did you see that? Heather Number
One looked right at us.

BIG CYNIC
It must be love.

N5 CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE N5

VERONICA confronts HEATHER CHANDLER.

VERONICA
Doesn't it bother you that everyone in
the school thinks you're a piranha?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Like I give a shit. They all want me,
as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped
at Westerburg and I'm only a Junior.
VERONICA
Pretend you're a missionary saving
a colony of cootie victims.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(giving in)
Whatever. I don't believe this. We're
going to a party at Remington University
tonight and we're brushing up our
conversation skills with the
scum of the school.

P5 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE P5

Her sweaty lips moving rapidly, MARTHA anxiously reads the
note.

Q5 THE GEEKS' TABLE Q5

The nervous GEEKS fidget and roughhouse each other in an
involuntarily immature reaction to their beautiful
interviewers.

GEEK WITH BRACES
No seriously, I'd probably go to
Egypt. With a girl.

BIG CYNIC
Taking a hooker to the Pyramids on
the last day of Mankind. You
sentimental old fart.

BRACES
Geez, forget it.

VERONICA
What about you Rodney?

RODNEY
(quietly to the others)
I told you she knew my name.
(beat of contemplation)
I'd change my life. New clothes.
New haircut. New house. New home.

HEATHER CHANDLER
How sad! Blowing all your cash on
two days of trying to be hip.

R5 ANOTHER ANGLE R5

VERONICA tugs HEATHER CHANDLER away from the table.

VERONICA
If you're going to openly be a bitch....
As HEATHER CHANDLER continues to guffaw, VERONICA again
catches sight of the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY. He wraps his fingers
around an egg and unfolds them back. The egg is gone. He
smiles. VERONICA smiles back.

Her trance is broken by a boisterous HEATHER MCNAMARA and
HEATHER DUKE who careen into the two pollsters.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, scan on Martha Dumptruck.

S5 POV ON MARTHA S5

MARTHA looks up from the note to the JOCKS' table and KURT
KELLY, then flustered, back down at the note.

HEATHER CHANDLER
This is the part I hate. The waiting.
I'd say we're like twenty minutes from
major humiliation. Come on, Veronica.

HEATHER CHANDLER floats off. A disturbed VERONICA takes a
moment to react.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica?

VERONICA follows the leader. She calls out.

VERONICA
Damn..
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Teen"]

Summary Veronica, Heather McNamara, and Heather Duke join Heather Chandler in the cafeteria. Heather Chandler orders Veronica to forge a note from Kurt Kelly to give to Martha Dumptruck. Martha overhears some jocks talking about her and Veronica, and Heather McNamara passes the forged note to Martha. The scene ends with Veronica and Heather Chandler approaching a table of country club kids, highlighting the conflicts and mean-spirited tone among the popular students and their targets.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Strong character interactions
  • Effective establishment of themes and conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some potentially offensive content
  • Stereotypical character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively sets up the main conflicts and dynamics of the story, with strong character interactions and witty dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of high school social hierarchy and the pressure to fit in is well-established, setting the stage for the rest of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Veronica is pulled into Heather Chandler's schemes, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and darkly humorous take on high school cliques and social dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene, showcasing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica begins to question her role in the social hierarchy, setting up potential character growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate the social pressures and moral dilemmas she faces, balancing her desire to fit in with her discomfort with the Heathers' cruel behavior.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to forge a note for Heather Chandler to humiliate Martha Dunnstock, showcasing her loyalty to the Heathers and desire to maintain her social status.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present, both internal and external, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and power dynamics driving the interactions between characters. The audience is left unsure of how events will unfold.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are relatively high in terms of social status and personal integrity, setting up potential consequences for the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key relationships, conflicts, and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene has moments of unpredictability, especially in the characters' actions and dialogue. The unexpected twists and turns add intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of conformity, power, and morality. Veronica struggles with the pressure to conform to the Heathers' cruel behavior while questioning the morality of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from amusement to discomfort, engaging the audience in the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and relationships effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and tension-filled interactions between characters. The conflicts and power dynamics keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and maintains tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format, effectively introducing characters, conflicts, and setting up future events. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is overwritten with a lot of specific details that may not be necessary to convey the story or the characters' emotions. This can make it difficult for the reader to focus on the important elements of the scene.
  • The dialogue is often unnatural and stilted, with characters speaking in a way that feels inauthentic and forced. This can make it difficult for the reader to connect with the characters or understand their motivations.
  • The scene is overly long and could benefit from being trimmed down to focus on the most important moments and interactions between the characters.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It's not clear what the characters want or what they hope to achieve in this moment, which can make it difficult for the reader to engage with the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting down on some of the more detailed descriptions and focusing on the essential elements of the scene. This can help the reader better understand the characters and their emotions.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. This can help the reader connect with the characters and understand their motivations.
  • Trim the scene down to focus on the most important moments and interactions between the characters. This can help the reader stay engaged and avoid feeling overwhelmed by too much information.
  • Give the scene a clear sense of purpose or direction. Make it clear what the characters want and what they hope to achieve in this moment. This can help the reader better understand the story and invest in the characters' journeys.



Scene 3 -  Navigating the School's Social Scene with Heather Chandler
6 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- DAY 6

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER march into the school parking
lot toward four HEAVY METALERS (one female) hanging out on a
car hood. The girls' conversation is heard in voice-over.

VERONICA (V.O.)
..you Heather. Deep down all teenagers
are the same. Didn't you see The
Breakfast club?

7 INT. CAFETERIA -- BETTY FINN'S TABLE -- DAY 7
A7 A7
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER set themselves down with BETTY
FINN and her LOOK-ALIKE FRIENDS.

HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
Look at me. I look great. I'm the girl
in the commercials and the videos.

B7 JOCKS' TABLE B7

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER warily stand at the outskirts of
the JOCKS' bastion of vulgarity.
HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
I'm the blonde in the bikini on the
horse holding a Pepsi can.

8 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY -- DAY 8

In a dark, smoky hallway, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER cough
toward a batch of STONERS in tattered forms of dress.

HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
I'm the princess being spanked on the
throne by Billy Idol's guitarist's guitar.

9 INT. THE FOODLESS FUND STAND -- DAY 9

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER accost PETER DAWSON at the
Foodless Fund stand.

HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
What do I get out of being friends
with losers. I give them a piece of
a winner and they stain me with loserness.

10 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 10

Heavy Metaler MATT grins.

MATT
You get five million dollars but
some Martians are going to zap you
in two days. You hear that, Clyde?
That's got to be the most spooky-ass
question I've ever heard.

11 INT. CAFETERIA -- BETTY FINN'S TABLE -- DAY 11
A11 A11
BETTY FINN daintily peeps up.

BETTY FINN
I think we should use the money
for an End-of-the-world get-together.
We could invite GUYS.

B11 JOCKS' TABLE B11

RAM sputters out some chicken to bellow.

RAM
I'd pay Madonna one million dollars
to ride my face like the Kentucky
Derby. She should be paying me, though.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Veronica and Heather Chandler move through different locations in school, interacting with various social groups. Heather's preoccupation with popularity is evident in her cynical and superficial tone, while Veronica follows her lead. They accost Peter Dawson for money and end up back in the parking lot. Despite Veronica's slightly more open attitude towards other social groups, Heather's views remain unchanged. Key dialogue highlights Heather's self-comparison to commercials and videos, and her rejection of 'losers' as friends.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Satirical tone
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Moderate emotional impact
  • Limited character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the dark comedy and establishes the cynical worldview of the characters. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, offering insight into the characters' personalities and motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of teenage disillusionment and social hierarchy is well-executed, providing a satirical take on high school dynamics. The scene introduces the central conflicts and themes of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters navigate social interactions and moral dilemmas. The introduction of the forged note subplot adds intrigue and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on high school culture by blending humor with social commentary. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their individual quirks and motivations. Each character contributes to the scene's overall tone and themes.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience subtle changes in their perspectives and behaviors, setting the stage for future character development. The scene hints at potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate the complex social dynamics of high school and find her place among different cliques while maintaining her sense of self.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to fit in and gain acceptance among the various social groups in her school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily driven by the characters' conflicting desires and the moral dilemmas they face. The tension between social expectations and personal values adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' conflicting desires for acceptance and belonging, creating tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not exceptionally high in this scene, the moral dilemmas and social repercussions faced by the characters add tension and complexity to the narrative. The consequences of their actions are significant within the context of the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, establishing character dynamics, and setting up future plot developments. It propels the narrative towards upcoming events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and dialogue that keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the superficiality and materialism of high school culture versus the characters' deeper desires for acceptance and belonging.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional response from the audience, primarily through the characters' struggles with identity and societal pressures. The dark humor and satirical tone temper the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, sharp, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and exploration of universal themes of identity and belonging.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through quick transitions between different social settings.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high school comedy, with clear transitions between different social settings and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and meandering. It lacks a clear focus and seems to be going in multiple directions at once.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and stilted, and the characters do not speak like real people.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is not visually interesting and lacks any sense of atmosphere or mood.
  • The scene is repetitive and does not offer any new information or insights.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down to a more manageable length and focus on a single, clear goal.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to sound more natural and believable.
  • Add more action and description to the scene to make it more visually interesting and engaging.
  • Consider adding some humor or suspense to the scene to make it more entertaining.
  • Consider cutting some of the characters or combining them into a single character to simplify the scene.



Scene 4 -  High School Drama
12 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY -- DAY 12

A FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET starts to speak, then stops...

FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
What?
13 INT. CAFETERIA -- THE FOODLESS FUND STAND -- DAY 13

PETER DAWSON lashes out.

PETER DAWSON
This is important. With taxes, I'd
be only getting 3.5 million and....

14 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 14

Heavy Metaler CLYDE turns from his friend MATT.

CLYDE
If you want a good way to go out
before the aliens land, get a lion
from the zoo. Put a remote control
bomb up its butt. When the lion starts
tearing you up, press the bomb button.
You and the lion die like as one.

Two Heavy Metal lovers, JACKIE and STEVE, intertwined against
the windshield blankly respond.

JACKIE AND STEVE
Cool.

15 INT. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE -- DAY 15
A15 A15
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER continue their conversation
chugging through another busy cafeteria lane.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Just imagine somebody like your
quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty
Finn doing a Crest commercial. No
one would buy Crest.

VERONICA
Don't tell me. Crest would be
stained with loserness.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth?

HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE burst back between them.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, here we go...

B15 POV ON MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK B15

MARTHA, with awkward apprehension, stumbles toward KURT and
the JOCKS. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stop breathing.

MARTHA mumbles something unintelligible from where the girls
stand. KURT'S head detonates with a terrifying cackle. MARTHA
flees the cafeteria in horror. VERONICA spins away from her
mirthful friends in disgust and makes eye contact with the
similarly disturbed JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.
VERONICA lurches away. She brakes against the Foodless Fund
stand where PETER DAWSON is hollering away.

PETER
A dime increases the time! A buck
brings good luck! Hi Veronica. A
five keeps the neighborhood alive!
A ten and you die without sen!

HEATHER CHANDLER wings a twenty dollar bill into the cashbox.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(to Veronica)
You wanted to become a member of
the most powerful clique in the
school. If I wasn't already the
head of it, I'd want the same thing.

VERONICA
I'm sorry? What are you oozing about?

HEATHER CHANDLER
That episode with the note back there
was for all of us to enjoy, but you
seem determined to ruin my day.

VERONICA
(slapping her knee)
We made a girl want to consider
suicide. What a scream. What a jest.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on you jerk. You know you used
to have a sense of humor.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, various characters interact in different locations within the high school. Peter Dawson discusses taxes, Clyde shares a suicidal plan, the Heathers and Veronica make fun of Betty Finn, and Martha approaches Kurt and the jocks. The scene ends with Veronica and Heather Chandler arguing about a suicide note incident, with Veronica storming away in frustration.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character interactions
  • Exploration of dark themes
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too dark or cynical for all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the dark and cynical portrayal of high school life, with strong dialogue and character interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the dark side of high school cliques is engaging and well-executed, providing insight into the complexities of social dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interactions between characters and the unfolding of manipulative schemes, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on high school drama with its dark humor and satirical approach to teenage relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica experiences a shift in her perspective and moral compass, leading to internal conflict and character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate the social hierarchy of her high school and maintain her sense of morality and integrity despite pressure from the popular clique.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to resist the influence of the popular clique and stay true to herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and adding tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica facing resistance from the popular clique and internal conflict over her values.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of social status, personal integrity, and the emotional well-being of the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character interactions and outcomes, but the dark humor and unexpected twists add an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between Veronica's moral compass and the toxic behavior of the popular clique. It challenges her beliefs about friendship, loyalty, and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from disgust to amusement, creating a complex emotional response in the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and conveys the dark humor and cynicism of the scene, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and the tension between characters. The conflict and dynamics keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and highlighting key moments of conflict and character interaction.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high school drama, with clear transitions between different locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It jumps between different groups of students and conversations without establishing a coherent narrative arc.
  • The dialogue is often repetitive and uninformative, with characters simply stating their opinions or describing what they are doing.
  • The characters are not well-developed and come across as one-dimensional stereotypes.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or introduce any significant new information.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader with no sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear goal or objective for Veronica.
  • Focus the dialogue on developing the characters and their relationships.
  • Add more depth and complexity to the characters.
  • Use the scene to advance the plot or introduce new information that will be important later in the story.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that provides closure or resolution.



Scene 5 -  Veronica's Concern and Jason's Defiance
16 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 16

Combing their hair in the bathroom mirror, the HEATHERS speak
in comically whining-and-pathetic imitations of Martha
Dumptruck as VERONICA shakes her head with a half-smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Ku-urt, let's pa-arty.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm.

HEATHER DUKE's gentle off-screen voice slices in.

HEATHER DUKE (O.S.)
Veronica, could you come back here?

HEATHER CHANDLER AND HEATHER MCNAMARA
Gross!

VERONICA
A true friend's work is never done.
VERONICA reveals her right index finger is cut noticeably
short, then walks over to the stalls.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Color me nauseous.

THE STALL

VERONICA stands in a tight stall with an ashamed HEATHER DUKE.

VERONICA
Maybe you should see a doctor.

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, maybe.

HEATHER CHANDLER (O.S.)
Come on Heather. We want another
look at today's lunch.

VERONICA
Geez, don't listen to them.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
Did she have the pie or the ice
cream for dessert?
(like a game show host)
And the answer IS.

HEATHER DUKE holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and
makes a bizarrely defiant smile.

HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in
the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put
up with their bogus nonsense.

VERONICA
Well, you better move Holden out
of the way or he's going to get spewed.

HEATHER DUKE puts down her book and opens her mouth. VERONICA
sticks her finger in.

17 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE 17
A17 A17
A gnarly melange of chicken and potatoes is scraped off a
plate into a cafeteria trashcan as VERONICA and the HEATHERS
stroll by outside. VERONICA pauses to peer in at the JAMES
DEANESQUE GUY.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God Veronica, drool much? His name's
Jason Dean. He's in my American History.
VERONICA
Give me the clipboard.

As VERONICA walks off, HEATHER MCNAMARA oinks out some amusing
sexual noises.

B17 CAFETERIA/JASON DEAN'S TABLE B17

VERONICA saunters to JASON DEAN.

VERONICA
Hello Jason Dean.

JASON
Greetings and salutations. Call me
J.D. Are you a Heather?

VERONICA
No, a Veronica. Sawyer. This may
seem like a stupid question....

J.D.
There are no stupid questions.

VERONICA
If you inherit five million dollars
the same day aliens tell the earth
they're blowing us up in two days,
what would you do?

J.D.
(suavely)
That's the stupidest question I've
ever heard.

C17 JOCKS' TABLE C17

The JOCKS witness VERONICA and J.D.

RAM
Who does that new kid think he is
with that coat? Bo Diddley?

KURT
Veronica is into his act. No doubt.

RAM
Let's kick his ass.

KURT
Shit, we're seniors, Ram. Too old
for that crap. Let's give him a
scare though.

D17 J.D.'S TABLE D17

An intrigued J.D. laconically answers THE question.
J.D.
Probably just row on out to the
middle of a lake. Bring along my
sax, some tequila, and some Bach.

VERONICA
How very.

HEATHER CHANDLER breaks VERONICA's daze of admiration.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on.

VERONICA (to J.D.)
Later.

J.D.
Definitely.

KURT and RAM move into the exiting VERONICA's place.
RAM sticks his finger through a piece of pie on J.D.'s plate.

RAM
You going to eat this?

KURT
What did your BOYFRIEND say when
you told him you were moving to
Sherwood, Ohio?

RAM
Answer him dick!

KURT
Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria
have a No Fags Allowed Rule?

J.D.
It seems to have an open door policy
for assholes though, doesn't it?

KURT
What did you say dickweed?

J.D.
I'll repeat myself.

J.D. gracefully stands, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a
.357 Magnum. He fires twice at the viewer.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Teen"]

Summary In the girls' bathroom, Veronica shows concern for a sick Heather Duke, while the Heathers gossip and make fun of each other. Later, in the cafeteria, Veronica meets Jason Dean as the jocks plan to bully him, leading to Jason standing up for himself with a gun, marking a shift in the tone of the scene and setting up tension for future events.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Blend of humor and darker themes
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shift in tone with the introduction of the gun

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with darker themes, creating an engaging and intriguing atmosphere. The introduction of the gun adds tension and raises the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of high school social hierarchy and the pressures faced by teenagers is well-developed and provides a rich backdrop for the characters' interactions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interactions between characters, particularly the introduction of the gun and the escalating conflict between them.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and darkly comedic take on high school cliques and social dynamics, with authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and each has a distinct personality that drives the dialogue and actions in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their interactions and perceptions of each other, setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate the social dynamics of her high school and maintain her sense of self amidst peer pressure and manipulation.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to interact with the new student, J.D., and potentially form a connection with him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between characters, particularly the tension surrounding the gun, adds intensity and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' interactions and decisions.

High Stakes: 8

The introduction of the gun raises the stakes and adds a sense of danger and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and escalating conflict, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' values and moral compass, with Veronica questioning the toxic behavior of her peers and J.D. challenging societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from amusement to tension, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It adds depth to the scene and drives the interactions forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and tension-filled interactions between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the setting, character interactions, and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene transitions are abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue in the beginning of the scene between the Heathers imitating Martha Dumptruck seems harsh and could potentially be seen as bullying.
  • The conflict between Heather Duke and her bulimia is not fully addressed and could be explored more deeply.
  • Veronica's interaction with Jason Dean feels rushed and lacks development. It would be beneficial to slow down this interaction and build more tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more transitional elements, such as a fade or a pan, to smooth out the scene changes.
  • Tone down the harshness of the Heathers' imitation of Martha Dumptruck, or find a way to make it clear that they are not genuinely trying to hurt her.
  • Explore Heather Duke's bulimia conflict further by having Veronica offer more support and understanding, or by having Heather Duke express more vulnerability.
  • Slow down the interaction between Veronica and Jason Dean, allowing for more tension and development of their relationship.



Scene 6 -  Croquet Pranks and Parental Concerns
18 EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD -- DAY 18

Croquet wickets have been set up in standard form. VERONICA
and the HEATHERS stand at various positions in the yard
holding different colored mallets next to matching balls.
HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her ball through the middle wicket.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God, they won't expell him. They'll
just suspend him for a week or something.

HEATHER CHANDLER
He used a real gun. They should
throw his ass in jail.

VERONICA
No way. He used blanks. All J.D.
really did was ruin two pairs of
pants...Maybe not even that...
(giggling)
Can you bleach out urine stains?

HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her red ball into HEATHER DUKE'S green
one.

HEATHER CHANDLER
J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought
you were giving up on high school guys.

VERONICA
Never say never.

HEATHER DUKE
What are you going to do, Heather?
Take the two shots or send me out?

The Girls look to the doelike HEATHER DUKE with incredulous
faces.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you have a brain tumor for
breakfast? First you ask if you can
be red, knowing that I'm ALWAYS red...

HEATHER CHANDLER places her foot on her red ball. She swings
her mallet down hard on the red ball sending the adjacent
green one rocketing into a flower bed.

HEATHER DUKE
Shit.

HEATHER CHANDLER's next shot falls short of the next wicket.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(to HEATHER DUKE)
Damn. It's your turn Heather.

HEATHER DUKE
No, it's Heather's turn.

HEATHER MCNAMARA hits her ball through a wicket and squeals.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Anyway, I can say never to high
school. I've got David.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
King David.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Maybe when you hit maturity you'll
understand the diff between a Remington
University man like David and a
Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam-
thank-you-maam" Sweeney.

HEATHER MCNAMARA misses her next shot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram's sweet. Yo Heather, you're up.

HEATHER DUKE tries to navigate a shot from the flower bed.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
No way, no day!

VERONICA
Give it up girl!

As her friends howl, HEATHER DUKE slams her ball out of the
flower bed. The ball bounces off a tree and amazingly goes
through a wicket. HEATHER DUKE squeals in delight.

VERONICA HEATHER MCNAMARA
Holy SHIT! God, that was unbelievable!

HEATHER CHANDLER
What. A. Shot.

HEATHER DUKE's next shot falls short of the next wicket.
VERONICA begins setting up her shot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
So tonight's the night. Are you
two excited?

HEATHER CHANDLER
I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her
first Remington Party. Blow it tonight
girl and it's keggers with kids all
next year.

VERONICA
(missing her shot)
Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've
been set up with? Witty and urbane
pre-lawyer or albino accountant?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Don't worry. David says he's very
so he's very.

HEATHER CHANDLER again hits her ball into HEATHER DUKE'S.
HEATHER DUKE
Why?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Why not?

HEATHER CHANDLER slams HEATHER DUKE's ball back into the
flower bed. VERONICA'S MOM calls out the back screen door.

MOM
Heather, your Mother's here.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Come on whoever wants a ride.

As the HEATHERS head into the house, VERONICA picks up HEATHER
DUKE'S ball and exuberantly throws it back toward the wickets.

Veronica's MOM, carrying a tray of pate, and DAD, carrying a
Robert Ludlum book, place themselves around a patio table.

DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.

VERONICA
All right.

VERONICA sinks into the empty middle deck chair.

DAD
So what was the first week of
Spring Vacation withdrawl like?

VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

MOM
Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?

VERONICA
I guess.

MOM
Any contestants worth mentioning?

VERONICA
MayBE. There's kind of a dark
horse now in the running.

DAD
(looking up)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I read this spy crap.

VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.
DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.

DAD immediately returns to reading with a wide grin.

MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....

VERONICA
Great pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the party tonight.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama","Teen"]

Summary In the Sawyer backyard, Veronica and the Heathers play croquet, using a real gun in a prank that only fires blanks. Heather Chandler and Heather Duke clash over the game, and Veronica's parents make a brief appearance, expressing concern about Veronica's social life.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep emotional impact
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, character development, and setting up future events, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using a casual game of croquet to delve into the characters' personalities and relationships is unique and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the upcoming party and the social dynamics among the characters, setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters with distinct personalities and relationships, offering fresh perspectives on high school social dynamics. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and relationships that drive the scene forward through their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 4

There are subtle hints at character growth and changes, particularly in Veronica's interactions with the Heathers.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics of her friend group and maintain her place within it. She also seeks to balance her own desires and values with the expectations of her friends.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to prepare for a party later that night and navigate the social expectations and pressures associated with it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between the characters during the game of croquet, adding tension and humor to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters challenging each other's beliefs and values. The conflicts and tensions between the characters create obstacles that drive the scene forward.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and setting up future events.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, such as the upcoming party and the social dynamics among the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and responses to each other. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing values and priorities. Heather Chandler values social status and material possessions, while Veronica seems more focused on personal authenticity and individuality. This conflict challenges Veronica's beliefs about fitting in and staying true to herself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is light, focusing more on humor and character dynamics rather than deep emotional moments.

Dialogue: 8

The witty and sarcastic dialogue adds humor and depth to the scene, revealing the characters' personalities and setting the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and underlying tensions between the characters. The banter and humor keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations. The dialogue flows smoothly, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven interaction between characters, with clear beats and character motivations driving the action forward.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with clear stage directions and natural-sounding dialogue. However, the transition from the previous scene's high-stakes situation to this more lighthearted croquet game feels a bit abrupt.
  • The characters' actions and dialogue in this scene could benefit from more subtext, given the recent events and the tension between them. For example, Heather Chandler's behavior towards Heather Duke could be more pointed, reflecting her desire to maintain dominance.
  • Veronica's parents' dialogue seems a bit stilted and could be more organic to the scene. Consider making their conversation more related to the croquet game or the girls' friendships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that references the previous scene's events, allowing the tension to linger and the characters to process what happened.
  • Develop Heather Chandler's character further by having her make subtle, passive-aggressive comments towards Heather Duke, showing her desire to maintain control.
  • Make Veronica's parents' conversation more natural and engaging, perhaps asking the girls about their game or discussing an upcoming school event.



Scene 7 -  Veronica's Late Night 7-11 Encounter with J.D.
19 EXT. OUTSIDE 7-11 -- NIGHT 19

A Volkswagen Cabriolet pulls up in front of a 7-11 with
HEATHER CHANDLER at the wheel. VERONICA pops out of the
car, into the store. HEATHER CHANDLER clamors to her.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!

20 INT. 7-11 -- NIGHT 20

Stylishly dressed-to-massacre, VERONICA reaches out to a bag
of Corn Nuts as J.D.'s off-screen voice disarms her.

J.D. (O.S.)
You going to pull a Big Gulp with that?

VERONICA
No, but if you're nice I'll let
you buy me a Slurpee. You know
your 7-11speak pretty well.

J.D.
I've been moved around all my life;
Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood
Ohio, there's always a 7-11. Any
town, any time, I can pop a Ham and
Cheese in the microwave and feast on
a Big Wheel. Keeps me sane.

VERONICA
Really? That thing in the caf
today was pretty severe.

J.D.
The extreme always makes an impression,
but you're right, it was severe. Did
you say a Cherry or Coke Slurpee?

VERONICA
I didn't. Cherry.

VERONICA smiles at her Coolness. J.D. returns the smile.
21 EXT. 7-11 PARKING LOT -- NIGHT 21

VERONICA and J.D. slurp by J.D.'s ferocious motorcycle.

VERONICA
Great bike.

HEATHER CHANDLER sounds her car horn with a grimace. VERONICA
glares at her then turns back to J.D.

J.D.
Just a humble perk from my Dad's
Construction company or should I
say Deconstruction company?

VERONICA
I don't know. Should you?

J.D.
My father seems to enjoy tearing
things down more than putting things up.
Seen the commerical? "Bringing every
State to a Higher State."

VERONICA
Time out....Jason Dean. Your Pop's
Big Bud Dean Construction. Must be
rough. Moving place to place.

J.D.
Everybody's life's got static. Is
your life perfect?

VERONICA
(gently joking)
Sure, I'm on my way to a party
at Remington University.

VERONICA grows serious as the car horn sounds again.

VERONICA
It's not perfect. I don't really
like my friends.

J.D.
I don't really like your friends either.

VERONICA
It's like they're just people I
work with and our job is being
popular and shit.

J.D.
Maybe it's time for a vacation.

The car horn blares again.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica, feeling disillusioned with her social circle, stops at a 7-11 to buy corn nuts. There, she encounters J.D., who offers a sympathetic ear and understanding. As they chat inside the convenience store and later outside by his motorcycle, Veronica expresses her dissatisfaction with her friends. Meanwhile, Heather Chandler waits impatiently in the car, adding to the underlying tension. The scene highlights Veronica's internal conflict and hints at a potential connection with J.D.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively sets the tone for the dark comedy genre, introduces key characters, and establishes the underlying themes of dissatisfaction and disconnection.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the facade of popularity and the emptiness of high school relationships is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interactions between Veronica and J.D., revealing their shared sense of disillusionment.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on teenage social dynamics, exploring themes of authenticity and superficiality in a unique and engaging way. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Veronica and J.D. displaying a complex mix of sarcasm and vulnerability.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica and J.D. both show signs of growth and self-awareness through their conversation.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to express her dissatisfaction with her current social circle and to connect with JD on a deeper level. This reflects her desire for authenticity and meaningful relationships.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to buy a Cherry Slurpee and engage in a flirtatious conversation with JD. This reflects her immediate desire for a fun and carefree interaction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between the characters' desire for authenticity and their need to maintain their social status.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Veronica's internal conflict and JD's challenging questions, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and setting up future events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Veronica and J.D. and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected depth of emotion and conflict that emerges.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity and the superficiality of social relationships. Veronica expresses her dissatisfaction with her friends and the facade of popularity, while JD challenges her to consider the authenticity of her own life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of amusement and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' true feelings and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters, the underlying tension and conflict, and the dynamic between Veronica and JD.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and developing the characters' relationship, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven interaction between characters, with clear beats and character motivations driving the action.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue. For example, the conversation about 7-11s could be shortened, and the scene could end after Veronica says, "It's not perfect. I don't really like my friends."
  • The dialogue is a bit too on the nose. For example, when J.D. says, "Maybe it's time for a vacation," it's clear that he's foreshadowing Veronica's eventual decision to kill Heather Chandler.
  • The scene lacks tension. There's no real conflict between Veronica and J.D., and the conversation is mostly just exposition.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and shorten the scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it less on the nose.
  • Add some tension to the scene by creating a conflict between Veronica and J.D.



Scene 8 -  Veronica's Discomfort and Dark Thoughts at a College Party
22 INT. DORMITORY ROOM -- NIGHT 22

DAVID, Heather Chandler's fine looking college beau, leads
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER into a cramped, eclectically
tacky dorm room. Music pounds the door.

The semi-handsome BRAD chats atop a desk with BRAD'S FRIEND.

DAVID
Throw your coats on the bed, girls.

BRAD
That exam was so bogus.

BRAD'S FRIEND
Oh I KNOW. Which exam?

DAVID
Veronica, this is Brad.

BRAD
Excellent. Did you girls bring
your partying slippers?

HEATHER CHANDLER
Yeah, let's party.

DAVID
She loves to party.

As they head out the door, BRAD whispers something in BRAD'S
FRIEND's ear causing the pair to snarl off a laugh.

23 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 23

The viewer is taken back and forth from a shattered post-party
VERONICA to the traumatic dormitory party itself. The sobbing
monocoled VERONICA writes at her desk.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, I want to kill and you
have to believe.....damn pen!

VERONICA frenziedly scribbles, trying to get her pen to
write. She throws the pen across the room and pulls out
another.

VERONICA (V.O.)
You have to believe it's for more
than selfish reasons. More than a
spoke in my menstrual cycle. You
have to believe me.

24 INT. DORMITORY HALLWAY -- NIGHT 24

The chaotic hallway rumbles with beer cups and loud music.
VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER's stylish garb clashes with the
laid-back dress of the COLLEGE STUDENTS.
BRAD anxiously hands VERONICA a cup of beer as he watches
DAVID and HEATHER CHANDLER move through a staircase door.

BRAD
So, are you a cheerleader?

VERONICA
(dealing with a jerk)
No, not at all.
BRAD
You're pretty enough to be one.

VERONICA
Gee, thanks.

BRAD
It's so great to be able to talk
to a girl and not have to ask
"What's your major?" I hate that.

They uncomfortably sip their beers. A deadly pause ensues.

BRAD
So when you go to college, what kind
of subjects do you think you'll study?
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Veronica, Heather Chandler, and David attend a crowded dormitory party where Veronica is uncomfortable. The scene cuts between Veronica's distress at the party and her writing in her diary at home, where she expresses a desire to kill Heather Chandler. Veronica is in conflict with herself, feeling overwhelmed and out of place at the party while also having dark thoughts about Heather Chandler. The scene is visually chaotic, with beer cups and loud music, and ends with Veronica expressing her dark thoughts and the sound of a car horn blaring in the background.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some cliched character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama and comedy, with a dark and sarcastic tone that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the contrast between college partying and inner emotional struggles is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through character interactions and introspective moments, adding depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on social dynamics and personal struggles in a college setting, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique personalities and conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes, particularly in their emotional states and perceptions of each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to express her frustration and inner turmoil through her diary writing, seeking validation and understanding for her emotions.

External Goal: 6

Veronica's external goal is to navigate social interactions at the party and deal with the pressure to fit in and be accepted.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mainly revolving around the characters' internal struggles and social dynamics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, challenging Veronica's sense of self and her ability to navigate social pressures.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional and social consequences for the characters are significant.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and emotional revelations, keeping the audience intrigued by the unfolding dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around Veronica's struggle to maintain her authenticity and individuality in a social setting that pressures her to conform and suppress her true emotions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from dark humor to melancholy reflection, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and witty, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of social dynamics, emotional depth, and character conflicts that draw the audience into Veronica's internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through its alternating focus on social interactions and introspective moments, enhancing the overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between locations and character interactions, maintaining the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Brad and Veronica is awkward and unnatural. Brad's attempts to flirt with Veronica come across as forced and insincere, and Veronica's responses are equally stilted and unengaging.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
  • The scene is too long and drawn-out. The repetitive dialogue and lack of action make it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is full of clichés and stereotypes. The characters are one-dimensional and their interactions are predictable.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Give the characters more distinct voices and motivations.
  • Add a clear purpose or direction to the scene. What do the characters want to achieve? What are the stakes?
  • Tighten up the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Add more depth and complexity to the characters. Give them flaws and motivations that make them more relatable.
  • Avoid using clichés and stereotypes. Create original and unique characters and situations.



Scene 9 -  Veronica's Escalating Escape
25 INT. DAVID'S DORM ROOM 25

HEATHER CHANDLER and DAVID sit on the latter's bed, surrounded
by a PC and a series of obnoxious Ferrari posters. They kiss.
DAVID doing most of the work.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Come on David, let's go back to the party.

DAVID
(unzipping his pants)
Don't worry, we will. You're just so
hot tonight. I can't control myself.

DAVID pushes HEATHER CHANDLER's head down.

26 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 26

BRAD has given up on conversation.

BRAD
So what do you say we head up to my
room and have a real party. I've got the
best Windham Hill C.D. collection
in the dorm.

BRAD'S FRIEND approaches before VERONICA can show disgust.

BRAD'S FRIEND
Brad-ley, Hennesey's looking for
you. He says he owes you for blow
and he just got some product himself.
BRAD
You're kidding. That pecker actually
scored something on his own?

BRAD'S FRIEND
(ambling off)
He's in Sheila's room, big guy. Party up.

BRAD
Excellent. Veronica, ever do COCAINE?

VERONICA
Ever since Phil Collins did that anti-
drug thing on MTV I refuse everything.

BRAD
Phil Collins? Are you sure he isn't
drinking and driving?

VERONICA
Jeez, right, then why don't I do drugs?

BRAD
Right. Hey, don't run away now.

With a wink, BRAD squirms off. VERONICA dashes into the room
with the coats.

27 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 27

VERONICA rampages through her diary.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Seventeen is the last year Mom buys
the Twinkies. When you make the
jump from working weekends at Pizza
Hut to thirty years at I.B.M., you
lose something. Not innocence -- power.

J.F.K. the cat jumps onto the Diary.

VERONICA
J.F.K.!

VERONICA flings the screeching cat off and continues.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm
allowed an understanding that my
parents and these Remington University
assholes have chosen to ignore. I
understand I must stop Heather.

28 INT. DORM "COAT" ROOM -- NIGHT 28

Panting, VERONICA collapses at a desk in the "coat" room. She
draws a Vodka bottle from a stockpile of liquor and pours
some in her beer cup, slouching down in her chair.
VERONICA lights a match from a 7-11 matchbook. She eerily
brings her hand closer and closer to the fire until it
touches.

With an eek of pain, she tosses the match away into the Vodka
cup, setting it afire. VERONICA laughs to herself before
tossing the flaming cup out the window.

29 EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DORMITORY -- NIGHT 29

The flaming cup lands in a large rusted garbage can filled
with other cups and various refuse. The flames spread...

30 INT. DORMITORY BATHROOM -- NIGHT 30

A dejected HEATHER CHANDLER walks into a multi-mirror-and-sink
bathroom. Using a glass off one of the sinks, she gargles some
water and then spits it at her own reflection.

31 INT. THE DORM "COAT" ROOM -- NIGHT 31

VERONICA closes the window as BRAD opens the door.

BRAD
How's my little cheerleader? Now I
know everyone at your high school
isn't so uptight, come ON.

VERONICA
Hey really, I don't feel so great.

BRAD
Let's do it on the coats. It'll
be excellent.

BRAD plops down onto the bed of coats and begins bouncing.

VERONICA
I have a little prepared speech I
give when my suitor wants more
than I'd like to give him....
Gee Blank, I had a nice....

BRAD
Save the speeches for Malcom X.
I just wanna get laid.

VERONICA
You don't deserve my fucking speech!

VERONICA yanks up her coat from beneath BRAD on the bed
causing him to slide off onto the floor.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and uncomfortable scene, Heather Chandler and David are making out in David's dorm room, while Veronica is avoiding Brad's advances in the hallway. Frustrated, Veronica pours vodka into her beer, sets it on fire, and throws the flaming cup out the window, causing a fire. Meanwhile, Heather is seen gargling water and spitting it at her reflection in the bathroom. The scene ends with Veronica running away from Brad.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character interactions
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Inappropriate behavior may be off-putting to some audiences
  • Lack of clear resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the rebellious and darkly humorous tone of the story. It sets up conflicts and tensions among the characters while revealing their inner thoughts and motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of teenage rebellion, power struggles, and social dynamics is well-developed in the scene. It introduces complex relationships and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as characters interact in the dorm room setting, revealing their personalities and motivations. Tensions rise as conflicts emerge, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as the protagonist's refusal to conform to peer pressure, the use of dark humor in dialogue, and the exploration of themes related to identity and autonomy. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions. Each character has distinct traits and motivations that drive the interactions in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience subtle changes in their attitudes and behaviors during the scene, setting the stage for future character development. Veronica, in particular, shows signs of inner conflict and rebellion.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and resist peer pressure to engage in activities she is uncomfortable with. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and self-respect.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal in this scene is to navigate social situations and interactions with her peers, particularly in resisting Brad's advances and maintaining her boundaries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, among the characters. Tensions rise as power struggles and personal dynamics come to the forefront.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica facing pressure from Brad and her peers to engage in risky behaviors, leading to a conflict of values and personal boundaries.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as characters engage in risky behavior, confrontations, and power struggles. The scene hints at potential consequences for the characters' actions, adding tension to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, tensions, and character dynamics. It sets the stage for future developments and reveals key aspects of the characters' personalities.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, particularly Veronica's defiance of Brad's advances and the escalation of tension in social interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between societal expectations and individual autonomy. Veronica's refusal to conform to peer pressure and societal norms challenges the values of her peers who engage in risky behaviors.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from defiance to discomfort, as the characters navigate complex relationships and power dynamics. The dark humor adds a layer of emotional depth to the interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It adds depth to the interactions and sets the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic dialogue, character interactions, and the protagonist's internal struggle to assert her independence in the face of peer pressure.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-driven moments with introspective voiceovers, creating a rhythm that builds tension and highlights character dynamics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions that enhance readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing conflicts, and developing character dynamics through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and engaging.
  • The dialogue between Veronica and Brad is stilted and unnatural, and it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, and it's not clear what Veronica is trying to achieve by setting the vodka cup on fire.
  • The scene doesn't contribute much to the overall story and could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The pacing is too slow, and the scene drags on without providing any real excitement or suspense.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the unnecessary dialogue and focus on the most important moments.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, and to give the characters more depth.
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene, and make it clear what Veronica is trying to achieve.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't contribute anything important to the story.
  • Speed up the pacing and add some excitement or suspense to keep the reader engaged.



Scene 10 -  Confrontation in the Dorm Hallway: Veronica Stands Up to Heather Chandler
32 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 32

VERONICA storms into the hallway but slows down when she sees
she's attracting attention. She notices an incited BRAD
slither to the smiling DAVID who chats with some STUDENTS,
HEATHER CHANDLER on his arm.
BRAD causes DAVID's smile to ever-so-slightly diminish. DAVID
whispers to HEATHER CHANDLER who proceeds to set down her beer
and walk toward VERONICA.

33 EXT. DORMITORY ALLEY -- NIGHT 33

The fire in the trashcan is raging.

34 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 34

A steel faced HEATHER CHANDLER comes face-to-face with
VERONICA.

HEATHER CHANDLER
What's your damage? Brad says
you're being a real cooze.

VERONICA
Heather, I feel awful, like I'm going
to throw up. Can we jam, please?

HEATHER CHANDLER
No. Hell no.

VERONICA'S eyes fall shut in a near-faint. She flings herself
down off-screen with some ugly wretching sounds.

35 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 35

VERONICA savagely scrawls in her diary, tears burning fierce.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Betty Finn was a true friend and I
sold her out for a bunch of Swatchdogs
and Diet Cokeheads. Killing Heather'd
be like offing the Wicked Witch of the
West. Or is it East? WEST! I sound
like a psycho. Tomorrow I'll be kissing
her aerobicized ass but tonight let me
dream of a world without Heather. A
world where I am free.

36 INT. DORM HALLWAY -- NIGHT 36

VERONICA rises into view with tinges of vomit on her mouth. A
smile breaks across HEATHER CHANDLER's granite puss. VERONICA
runs off as STUDENTS laugh in the background.

37 EXT. DORMITORY ALLEY -- NIGHT 37

VERONICA charges into the alley. She whips around to face a
screeching HEATHER CHANDLER. In back of VERONICA, the trashcan
bellows like Mt. Vesuvius.

HEATHER CHANDLER
You stupid cunt!

VERONICA
You goddamn bitch!
The flickering flames cast HEATHER CHANDLER in a demonic
light.

HEATHER CHANDLER
You were nothing before you met me!
You were playing Barbies with Betty
Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a
Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout
Cookie! I got you into a Remington
Party! What's my thanks? It's on the
hallway carpet. I get paid in puke!

VERONICA
Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

HEATHER CHANDLER
(totally in control)
Monday morning, you're history. I'll
tell everyone about tonight. Transfer
to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.
No one at Westerburg's going to let
you play their reindeer games.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and confrontational scene, Veronica confronts Heather Chandler in a dorm hallway after a party. However, their conflict is not resolved as Heather threatens to ruin Veronica's reputation. The scene takes place in a dorm hallway and alley at night, with visual elements including Veronica vomiting in the alley and Heather Chandler's angry expression. The dialogue consists of Heather accusing Veronica of disloyalty and Veronica fighting back, threatening Heather in return.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the development of the characters and plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power dynamics, betrayal, and revenge is effectively portrayed through the confrontation between Veronica and Heather Chandler.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as tensions rise between the characters, leading to potential consequences for Veronica.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and explores themes of teenage angst and rebellion in a fresh and engaging way. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Veronica and Heather Chandler, are well-developed and their conflicting personalities drive the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica experiences a shift in her perspective and emotions during the confrontation with Heather Chandler.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to break free from the toxic influence of Heather Chandler and assert her own identity. She is struggling with guilt over betraying her friend and a desire for independence.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to confront Heather Chandler and stand up for herself in the face of bullying and manipulation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict between Veronica and Heather Chandler is intense and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Heather Chandler presenting a formidable challenge to Veronica's goals and beliefs.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Veronica faces potential social repercussions and a shift in power dynamics.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by setting up potential consequences for Veronica's actions and relationships.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between conformity and individuality. Heather Chandler represents conformity and social status, while Veronica is seeking to break free from that and be true to herself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Veronica grapples with her feelings of betrayal and desire for freedom.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the power struggle between Veronica and Heather Chandler.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the sharp dialogue, and the unpredictable twists in the plot.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense as the conflict escalates between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflict resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and drama of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with a clear conflict between Veronica and Heather Chandler. However, the transition from the previous scene could be smoother to avoid confusion.
  • The dialogue is sharp and witty, but at times it feels over-the-top. Make sure the language matches the characters' personalities and the scene's tone.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. The confrontation between Veronica and Heather Chandler is intense, but the resolution is too quick. Consider extending the scene to give more weight to Veronica's decision to stand up to Heather Chandler.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two to clarify Veronica's transition from the previous scene to this one. This will help the reader understand why Veronica is suddenly in the dorm hallway.
  • Tone down some of the dialogue to make it more believable. While the witty banter is entertaining, it can sometimes feel unnatural.
  • Extend the scene to give more weight to Veronica's decision to stand up to Heather Chandler. This will make the confrontation more impactful and give the reader a better sense of Veronica's growth.



Scene 11 -  Intimate Conversations and Dark Desires: A Game of Strip Croquet in Veronica's Backyard
38 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 38

VERONICA flings her diary across the room where it hits the
wall behind the stunning figure of J.D. VERONICA gasps.

J.D.
Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

VERONICA
(exhaling deeply)
S'okay....

J.D.
I saw the croquet set-up in the back.
Up for a match?

VERONICA is simultaneously dismayed and exhilarated. She seems
ready to burst out all her anxieties but instead....

VERONICA
Sure. But I'm Blue.

39 EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD -- LATE NIGHT 39

The viewer's viewpoint glides through the grass of Veronica's
backyard uncovering combinations of wickets and articles of
clothing. A pair of girls shoes and a pair of guys shoes rest
together by the first wicket.

J.D. (V.O.)
Goddamn, no wonder you looked so
mangled when I came through the window.

Feminine socks and masculine socks lay crumpled by the next wicket.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I've always treated Heather's teen
queen power plays as bullshit.....

As VERONICA quiveringly pauses, a stylish blouse and a rugged
shirt are revealed mingling by another wicket.

VERONICA (V.O.)
But I'm really scared. Who am I going
to eat lunch with on Monday? I sound
like an Afterschool Special.

The viewer's viewpoint moves to a dress and a pair of jeans
resting side by side at another wicket.

J.D. (V.O.)
That was my first game of Strip
Croquet, you know. I thank you.

VERONICA (V.O.)
You're welcome. It's a lot more
interesting than just flinging
off your clothes and boning away
on the neighbor's swing set.

VERONICA'S blue mallet has been staked into the ground. Her
panties hang on one end, J.D.'s underwear hangs on the other.

J.D. (O.S.)
Well, I don't know. There's
something to be said for...Ouch!

VERONICA and J.D. are finally revealed, entangled in an artful
pose upon J.D.'s gunslinger coat. They warmly kiss. VERONICA
breaks off to uneasily giggle.

VERONICA
What a night.

J.D. gently bites in to VERONICA's neck. VERONICA grooves on
it, closing her eyes tightly.

VERONICA
What a life. I almost moved into high
school out of sixth grade because I
was some genius. We all decided to
chuck the idea because I'd have
trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah.

VERONICA slides her head down against J.D.'s chest and
gracefully rests on his lap. Gently fighting slumber, she
murmurs up to J.D., who showers her face with slow kisses.

VERONICA
Now blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use
my grand I.Q. to figure out what gloss
to wear and how to hit three keggers
before curfew. Some genius.
J.D.
Heather Chandler is one bitch that
deserves to die.

VERONICA
Killing her won't solve anything.

J.D.
A well-timed lightning bolt through
her window and Monday morning, all
the other heathers, shit, everybody
would be cast fucking adrift.

VERONICA
Well then, I'll pray for rain.

J.D.
See the condoms in the grass over
there. We killed tonight, Veronica.
We murdered our baby.

VERONICA
Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.

J.D.
Just saying it's not hard to end a life.

VERONICA
There's a big difference between
the most popular girl in the school
and dead sperm.

They laugh. VERONICA maneuvers herself into a sitting position.

J.D.
I guess I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.

VERONICA
I know exactly what the hell you're
talking about and you're right, you
don't know what the hell you're
talking about. Let's just grow up,
be adults, and die.

J.D.
Good plan.

VERONICA
But before that, I'd like to see
Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Veronica and J.D. play strip croquet in Veronica's backyard, discussing their fears and frustrations. J.D. brings up the idea of killing Heather Chandler, which Veronica initially dismisses. However, Veronica later expresses her desire to see Heather Chandler punished, indicating a potential conflict between her desire for revenge and her moral beliefs. The scene is emotional and intimate, with significant visual elements including Veronica and J.D. entangled on J.D.'s coat and various combinations of clothing and mallets staked into the ground.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Potential for controversial content
  • Lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, filled with dark humor, and sets up tension and conflict effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring teenage angst, social dynamics, and dark desires is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through character interactions, revelations, and the building of tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unconventional approach to teenage rebellion and social dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, offering a unique perspective on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica experiences internal conflict and growth, particularly in her interactions with J.D.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her conflicting emotions about her social status and relationships. She grapples with feelings of fear, insecurity, and a desire for independence.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to engage in a game of Strip Croquet with J.D. and assert her independence and rebellious spirit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is internal and external conflict present, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the characters' interactions. Veronica and J.D. challenge each other's beliefs and motivations, creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the desire to harm Heather Chandler and the complex dynamics between the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and dialogue. The shifting dynamics and conflicting goals add a sense of uncertainty and tension to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' attitudes towards social hierarchy, power dynamics, and rebellion. Veronica questions the consequences of violence and rebellion, while J.D. embraces a more radical approach.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to tension to introspection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals character dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and suspense. The characters' conflicting emotions and desires create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in their journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of tension, humor, and introspection. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's emotional impact and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting effectively conveys the tone and pacing of the story, enhancing the reader's engagement and understanding of the characters' emotions and motivations.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, moving between dialogue, internal monologue, and action sequences. This unconventional structure adds depth and complexity to the scene, enhancing its impact.


Critique
  • The scene's dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the characters' personalities well. However, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to help set the mood and atmosphere.
  • The scene's focus on Veronica and J.D.'s relationship development is strong, but the connection to the previous scene could be clearer. The transition from Veronica's confrontation with Heather Chandler to this scene feels abrupt.
  • The scene's exploration of Veronica's anxieties and her desire to see Heather Chandler punished is well-executed. However, the scene could benefit from a stronger resolution or a clearer indication of Veronica's emotional state at the end.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to help set the scene and create a stronger atmosphere. This could include descriptions of the backyard, the moonlight, or the way Veronica and J.D. interact with each other.
  • Consider adding a transition or a few lines of dialogue that connect this scene more directly to the previous one. This could help create a stronger narrative flow and give the audience a clearer sense of Veronica's emotional state.
  • Consider adding a stronger resolution or a clearer indication of Veronica's emotional state at the end of the scene. This could help give the scene a more satisfying conclusion and set the stage for future scenes.



Scene 12 -  Pranking Heather Chandler: A Humorous and Dangerous Escapade
40 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM -- DAY 40

HEATHER CHANDLER's bedroom is lushly and expensively furnished
with a glass coffee table as an eye-catching centerpiece.
HEATHER CHANDLER half-sleeps in twisted bedsheets as MRS.
CHANDLER'S VOICE attacks through the door.
MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
We are leaving soon for your
grandmother's. If you care to join us...

HEATHER CHANDLER
Bag that.

MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
Is that a "No" in your lingo?

HEATHER CHANDLER gives the voice behind the door "the finger."

HEATHER CHANDLER
Lingo this.

41 INT. THE CHANDLER KITCHEN -- DAY 41

The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door.

VERONICA
(quietly)
Trust me. She skips the Saturday
morning trip to Grandma's even
when she's not hungover.

J.D.
Then let's just concoct ourselves a
little hangover cure that'll induce
her to spew red, white, and blue.

VERONICA opens the refrigerator. J.D. opens the cupboard
beneath the sink.

VERONICA
What about orange juice and milk?
What's the upchuck factor on that?

J.D. holds up a bottle of cleaning fluid.

J.D.
I'm a No Rust Build-up man, myself.

VERONICA
Don't be a dick. That stuff'll
kill her.

VERONICA and J.D. make queasy eye-contact. VERONICA descends
back into the refrigerator with some worked-up enthusiasm as
J.D. suavely pours bits of various toxic containers
(detergent, scouring powder) into a glass beer mug.

VERONICA
O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put
it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it
be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon?
J.D.
Man Veronica, pull the plug on that
shit. I say we go with Big Blue.

J.D. raises the glass filled with what is now a strange blue
liquid. VERONICA stares at the glass, scared by her own
thoughts.

VERONICA
What are you DOING? You just
can't go.....Besides, she'd never
drink anything that looks like that.

J.D.
Okay we'll use this. She won't be
able to tell what she's drinking.

J.D. pulls down a ceramic cup and triumphantly pours the
poisonously blue beer glass contents into it. An eerie pause
ensues. VERONICA takes out a milk carton and a container of
orange juice. She struts back to the counter in anger, icily
muttering.

VERONICA
Just give me a cup, jerk.

J.D. sheepishly pulls down an identical ceramic cup. VERONICA
tears it from him and pours some milk and then some orange
juice into the cup.

VERONICA
Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe
we could cough a phlegm globber in
it or something.

J.D.
Yeah, great.

They both start coughing harshly.

VERONICA
No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll
do quite nicely. Quite nicely.

J.D.
Chick-en.

VERONICA
You're not funny.

J.D. turns on his heel and slinks away. VERONICA glares down
at the mess of toxic containers.

With both arms, VERONICA clumps the toxic containers together
and drops beneath the sink to put them away. J.D. swaggers
back into the kitchen as VERONICA bobs back into view.

J.D.
I'm sorry.
J.D. kisses the back of her neck. VERONICA closes her eyes
with a grudging smile.

VERONICA
Bonehead.

VERONICA dreamily reaches out to one of the two ceramic cups.

Not the one with milk and orange juice in it.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Veronica and J.D., the main characters, break into Heather Chandler's house to prank her by concocting a fake hangover cure using toxic household chemicals. Veronica shows hesitation and concern for Heather's safety, while J.D. is more reckless and determined. The setting is Heather Chandler's luxurious bedroom and mundane kitchen, and the conflict is Veronica's hesitation versus J.D.'s recklessness. The tone is humorous and lighthearted, with some elements of suspense and tension. The scene ends with the successful execution of the prank, Veronica dropping the toxic containers, and J.D. apologizing and showing remorse.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for controversy due to the toxic concoction plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, filled with dark humor and tension, setting up a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of poisoning Heather Chandler to make her sick adds a layer of intrigue and conflict to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with Veronica and J.D. planning a risky scheme that could have significant consequences.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as the characters concocting a hangover cure to manipulate Heather Chandler, as well as the dark humor and unexpected twists in the dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Veronica's rebellious nature and J.D.'s manipulative tendencies shining through in their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica and J.D. show a willingness to take risks and manipulate others, hinting at potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Heather Chandler's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and defiance towards her mother's authority. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and control over her own life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to concoct a hangover cure to induce Heather Chandler to spew red, white, and blue. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with Heather's rebellious behavior and finding a way to manipulate her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, as Veronica and J.D. plan a risky scheme that could have serious consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles in achieving their goals. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Veronica and J.D. risk their reputations and relationships to execute their plan.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up a pivotal moment in the plot, where Veronica and J.D. take a risky step towards their goals.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, such as concocting a hangover cure to manipulate Heather Chandler. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between authority and rebellion, as seen in Heather Chandler's defiance towards her mother and Veronica and J.D.'s scheming to manipulate her. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about control and power dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including tension, humor, and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The sharp and witty dialogue enhances the darkly humorous tone of the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dark humor, and tension between the characters. The unexpected twists and rebellious tone keep the audience intrigued and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, and it does a good job of building tension and suspense. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.
  • First, the dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose at times. For example, when Veronica says, "Just give me a cup, jerk," it's a bit too obvious that she's angry with J.D. A more subtle approach would be to have her say something like, "Can I please have a cup?" or "I need a cup."
  • Second, the scene could be more visually interesting. The description of the kitchen is very brief, and it doesn't give the reader a clear picture of what the space looks like. Adding more details about the setting would help to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Finally, the scene could be more impactful if it ended on a stronger note. The current ending is a bit anticlimactic, and it doesn't leave the reader with a strong impression. A more effective ending would be one that leaves the reader with a sense of anticipation or dread.
  • The scene is a bit too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting to make it more visually interesting.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more subtle and nuanced.
  • End the scene on a stronger note that leaves the reader with a sense of anticipation or dread.
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene shorter and more concise.



Scene 13 -  The Fatal Prank
42 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM -- DAY 42

HEATHER CHANDLER angelically sleeps as VERONICA and J.D.
enter.

VERONICA
Morning, Heather.

Like a lion, HEATHER CHANDLER rouses herself up.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle
surprise. Hear about Veronica's
affection for regurgitation?

VERONICA
We both said a lot of things we
didn't mean, last night.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Did we? How the hell'd you get in here?

J.D.
Veronica knew you'd have a hangover.
So I whipped this up. Family recipe.

J.D. holds out the ceramic cup. HEATHER CHANDLER snorts.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you put a phlegm globber in it
or something? I'm not drinking that piss.

J.D.
I knew this stuff would be too intense.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Intense? Grow up. You think I'll drink
it just because you call me CHICKEN.

They do. They're right.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Just give me the cup, jerk.

HEATHER CHANDLER rises from the bed and struts to J.D. in
anger. She takes the cup, slams her head back and downs it
all.
She then launches her head forward, her face contorted in
agony.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!

HEATHER CHANDLER'S eyes slam shut and her limp body crashes
through the glass coffee table. VERONICA and J.D. freeze.

J.D.
Something tells me you picked up
the wrong cup.

VERONICA
No shit, sherlock. I can't believe
it. I just killed my best friend.

J.D.
And your worst enemy.

VERONICA
Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna...

VERONICA staggers to a desk. J.D. laughs out of shock.

J.D.
What are we going to tell the cops?
"Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."

VERONICA
Stop kidding around. The police....oh
no, oh God....I can't believe this is
my life..I'm going to have to send my
S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead
of Stanford.

J.D.
I'm just a little freaked, all right?
(a beat)
You got what you wanted, you know.

VERONICA
Don't say that! It's one thing to
want somebody out of your life. It's
another thing to serve them a wake-up
cup of Liquid Drainer....Don't say....

VERONICA stares off as J.D. paces like a caged animal. He
scopes onto the rubble of the shattered coffee table and sees
Cliff Notes for The Bell Jar plus a magazine proclaiming
"THE FALL OF THE AMERICAN TEEN" under HEATHER CHANDLER's body.

J.D.
We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime.
But if this was like a suicide thing.....

VERONICA
Like a suicide thing?
J.D.
Adolescence is a period of life
fraught with anxiety and confusion.

VERONICA
(calming down)
I can do Heather's handwriting as
well as my own.

VERONICA takes some stationery from the desk and begins
writing, calling out her words.

VERONICA
"You might think what I've done is
shocking..."

J.D.
"To me though, suicide is the
natural answer to the myriad
of problems life has given me."

VERONICA
That's good, but Heather would
never use the word "myriad."

J.D.
This is the last thing she'll ever
write. She'll want to cash in on as
many fifty-cent words as poss.

VERONICA
She missed "myriad" on a vocab
test two weeks ago, all right?

J.D.
That only proves my point more. The word
is a badge for her failures at school.

VERONICA
You're probably right..."People think
just because you're beautiful and
popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody
understood I had feelings too."

J.D.
"I die knowing no one knew the real me."

VERONICA
That's good. Have you done this before?

VERONICA's smile dies as she looks to HEATHER CHANDLER'S corpse.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. plan and execute the murder of Heather Chandler, making it appear as a suicide in Heather's bedroom. The characters' interactions reveal the main conflict, and the scene is filled with dark and tense tones, aggressive dialogue, and shocking visuals. The scene concludes with the two contemplating the consequences of their actions.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Tragic outcome
  • Moral ambiguity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor, tension, and character development, leading to a compelling and impactful moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a prank gone wrong resulting in accidental death is a unique and engaging plot point that raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the unexpected death of Heather Chandler, setting off a chain of events that will shape the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the high school genre by combining elements of dark comedy, suspense, and social commentary. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Veronica and J.D., show depth and complexity as they grapple with the consequences of their actions. Their dynamic and conflicting personalities drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica undergoes a significant change as she grapples with the reality of her actions and the impact on her relationships. J.D. also shows a shift in his demeanor as the situation escalates.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to deal with the consequences of her actions and come to terms with the gravity of what she has done. It reflects her deeper need for acceptance, control, and a sense of identity.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to cover up the accidental murder of Heather Chandler and avoid getting caught by the police. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the aftermath of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the accidental death of Heather Chandler, leading to intense emotional and moral dilemmas for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult situation and uncertain outcomes. The conflict between their actions, beliefs, and emotions creates tension and raises the stakes.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes are evident as the characters face the consequences of their actions, including potential legal repercussions and the unraveling of their social dynamics.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major turning point that will have lasting repercussions for the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events, the characters' conflicting motivations, and the darkly comedic tone. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the consequences of actions, morality, and the value of life. It challenges Veronica's beliefs about power, control, and the nature of relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience as the characters grapple with guilt, regret, and the consequences of their actions.

Dialogue: 9

The sharp and witty dialogue enhances the tension and dark humor of the scene, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of suspense, humor, and character dynamics. The escalating tension, unexpected twists, and emotional stakes keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and internal monologue. The rhythm builds tension, reveals character dynamics, and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure and formatting of the scene follow the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue tries to be witty and cynical, but it feels forced and unnatural. For example, Veronica's line 'I'm going to have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford' is trying to be clever but it doesn't really make sense in the context of the scene.
  • The scene relies too heavily on exposition. J.D.'s explanation of how they can make Heather Chandler's death look like a suicide is long and tedious, and it doesn't really add anything to the scene.
  • The scene doesn't really have any stakes. Veronica and J.D. have already decided to kill Heather Chandler, so there's no real tension or suspense in the scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with Veronica and J.D. just standing there staring at Heather Chandler's body. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and confused.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Cut down on the exposition and focus on the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Add some stakes to the scene, such as having Veronica and J.D. worry about getting caught or having to deal with the guilt of what they've done.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as having Veronica and J.D. actually carry out their plan or having them decide to turn themselves in to the police.



Scene 14 -  The Aftermath of Heather's Suicide: A Discussion on Emotions and Power
43 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY 43

At the head of a long conference table is the bearlike
PRINCIPAL GOWAN. Circling the table is the gray-haired but
savvy MRS. POPE, the yuppie black counselor PAUL HYDE, TWO
large DISCIPLINARIAN-TYPES, and most noticeably, the
eccentrically dressed MS. PAULINE FLEMING. Coats are in chairs
and cigarette smoke is in the air, as the group batters their
way through a morning mourning conference.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Any other Principal would take the same
position. Keep things business as usual.

COUNSELOR HYDE
Heather Chandler's not your everyday
suicide. She was VERY popular.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Come on Paul, I let the kids go before
lunch and the switchboard'll light up
like a Christmas Tree.

COUNSELOR HYDE
The parents will be sympathetic, sir.
These are troubled times for the young.

MRS. POPE
I must say I was impressed to see
that she made proper use of the word
"myriad" in her suicide note after
brutalizing it in a vocabulary test.

PAULINE
(dramatically cutting in)
I find it profoundly disturbing that
we are told of a tragic destruction
of youth and all we can talk about
is adequate mourning times and
misused vocabulary words.

A collective sigh goes across the room.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Oh Christ.

PAULINE
The school, meaning both students
and teachers, must revel in this
revealing moment. I suggest we get
everyone into the cafeteria and
just talk. And feel. Together.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me
when the shuttle lands...Now is
this Heather the cheerleader?

COUNSELOR HYDE
That would be Heather Mcnamara.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Damn. I'd be willing to go half a
day for a cheerleader.
MRS. POPE
Let's just pack it in an hour early.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Done. I hate Mondays.

44 INT. PAULINE FLEMING'S CLASSROOM -- DAY 44

The desks of the classroom have been maneuvered into an
amusingly chaotic position by PAULINE'S PUPILS. She is
furious.

PAULINE
I said a circle you imbeciles! Forget
it! Just sit down. I'm just so THRILLED
to be given an example of everything
I've taught you. That example is
Heather Chandler. I have the note!

PAULINE melodramatically lifts the suicide note. The class AAAHS.

MALE STUDENT
Awright!

PAULINE
I'll pass the suicide note around
the room so you can feel its tragic
beauty for yourself. Let us share
together the feelings the suicide has
spurred in us all. Who wants to begin?

FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JAKET
I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked
down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing
disinfectant then she smashed....

PAULINE
Now, now, we're not here to rehash
the coroner's report. Let's talk EMOTIONS.

ALL-OUT NERD
Are we going to be tested on this?

A stunned PAULINE glares until preppie PETER DAWSON speaks.
The note continues to be breathlessly passed around.

PETER
Heather and I used to go together,
but she said I was boring. I realize
now I wasn't really boring. She was
just dissatisfied with her life.

PAULINE
That's very good Peter.

VERONICA lets out a laugh that she disguises as a sob by
putting her hands over her face.
PAULINE
Dear Veronica, Heather was your
soulmate.....Share.

VERONICA
Heather was cool, but cruel. The good
looks and bad manners gave her power,
but it could not give her happiness.

The class stares to VERONICA as the suicide note is passed to
her. She acknowledges it in horror, passes it on, then
continues, realizing her ability to create truths for a
captive audience.

VERONICA
She realized the only way she could
be happy was to give up her power and
the only way she could do that was Death.

PAULINE cries. The PUPILS applaud. VERONICA queasily smiles.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a school conference room, administrators disagree on how to handle the aftermath of popular student Heather Chandler's suicide. Drama teacher Pauline Fleming suggests an open discussion about emotions, which they hold in her classroom. There, Heather's former friend Veronica gives a moving speech about Heather's struggles with power and happiness, providing a moment of catharsis.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective blend of dark humor and poignant moments
  • Compelling exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited progression of main plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively balances dark humor with poignant moments, creating a compelling and thought-provoking narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a suicide through the lens of a school community is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot effectively navigates the emotional aftermath of Heather Chandler's suicide, revealing deeper layers of the characters' personalities and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and original take on the high school genre by exploring themes of grief, social dynamics, and the complexities of teenage emotions in a satirical and darkly humorous way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and provide a unique perspective on the aftermath of a tragic event.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their reactions to the tragedy feel authentic and compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and emotions as they reflect on Heather Chandler's life and death.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the emotional aftermath of Heather Chandler's suicide and find a way to process her own feelings and thoughts about the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the discussion and sharing of emotions surrounding Heather Chandler's suicide, while also grappling with the societal expectations and pressures within the school environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is not overt conflict in the scene, there is an underlying tension and emotional conflict as the characters grapple with their feelings about Heather Chandler's suicide.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional tensions between the characters that create obstacles and challenges for the protagonist to navigate.

High Stakes: 8

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with the aftermath of a suicide and confront their own feelings and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene primarily focuses on character development and emotional exploration rather than advancing the main plot, but it sets the stage for future conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and interactions between the characters, as well as the darkly humorous and satirical tone that keeps the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing perspectives on how to handle and discuss the tragedy of Heather Chandler's suicide. Ms. Pauline Fleming challenges the superficial responses of the other characters and advocates for a more genuine and emotional approach to processing the event.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, blending dark humor with poignant reflections on loss and societal pressures.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective, capturing the complex emotions of the characters in the aftermath of Heather Chandler's death.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, dramatic tension, and dark humor that keeps the audience invested in the characters and their emotional journey. The conflict and dynamics between the characters add depth and intrigue to the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the characters' interactions and dialogue to unfold naturally and engage the audience in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively setting up the conflict, developing the characters, and advancing the narrative in a coherent and engaging way.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the aftermath of Heather Chandler's death and introduces the school's attempt to address the situation.
  • However, the characterization and dialogue of the adults, such as Principal Gowan and Mrs. Pope, feel somewhat stereotypical and lack depth.
  • The introduction of Ms. Pauline Fleming as an eccentric and unconventional teacher is intriguing and could be explored further to provide a unique perspective.
  • Veronica's speech in Pauline's classroom is well-received by the class, but it may benefit from a stronger emotional connection and a clearer purpose beyond simply summarizing Heather Chandler's actions.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the viewer with a sense of incompleteness and a lack of closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider developing the characters of the adults, giving them more distinct personalities and motivations.
  • Explore Ms. Pauline Fleming's unique teaching style and philosophy and how it impacts the students.
  • Strengthen Veronica's speech by giving her a clear personal connection to Heather Chandler and allowing her to express a range of emotions.
  • Add a stronger resolution to the scene, such as a discussion of the school's plans to support the students or a reflection on the impact of Heather Chandler's death.



Scene 15 -  The Shower Scene: A Moment of Reflection and Intrusion
45 INT. THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM -- DAY 45

The GIRLS are finishing up putting on their clothes.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, it's so unfair. It's just so
UNFAIR! We should get a whole week
off not just an hour.

HEATHER DUKE
Write the School Board.

HEATHER DUKE gnaws on a chicken leg as she speaks.

VERONICA
Watch it, Heather. You could actually
be digesting food.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

HEATHER DUKE
(belching)
Fuck it.

HEATHER MCNAMARA pulls a Swatch from one of the lockers.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Look, heather left behind one of her
Swatches. She'd want you to have it,
Veronica. She always said you couldn't
accessorize for shit.

HEATHER MCNAMARA tosses the watch to a spooked VERONICA who
stands up and solemnly puts it on. The FEMALE STONER IN ARMY
JACKET stops next to their bench.
FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
I'm sorry about your friend. I thought
she was your usual airhead bitch.
Guess I was wrong. Lot of us were.

HEATHER DUKE bobs up from the world's largest sno-cone.

HEATHER DUKE
What a waste.

VERONICA zombiesquely moves into the shower area.

HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
Oh the Humanity.

46 INT. THE SHOWER -- DAY 46

VERONICA turns on a shower and lets the water spray against
her clothes.

47 INT. THE LOCKER ROOM -- DAY 47

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica, what are you doing?

SQUEALING GIRL (O.S.)
Everyone in the shower!

TWO GIGGLING GIRLS run into the shower fully clothed. THREE
OTHERS follow suit. The HEATHERS look to each other, laugh,
and run in.

48 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE -- DAY 48

Heavy Metalers MATT, CLYDE, and STEVE plus Geek RODNEY sneak
into a darkened room. Girls' laughter drifts in.

MATT
Do I deliver or do I deliver?

RODNEY
Hurry up, we're going to get caught.

MATT
Mellow out Geek. Man, I never
should have brought you.

CLYDE
Let's see some PUSSY!

MATT pulls a curtain revealing a semi-overhead view of the
showering and clothed GIRLS.

49 INT. THE SHOWER -- DAY 49

The GIRLS splash and spin in balletlike slow motion. VERONICA
stands facing the viewer, the Swatch noticeably attached.
50 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE -- DAY 50

Cautiously quiet pandemonium.

MATT
Does this have something to do with
menstrual cramps and shit?

CLYDE
(dazed)
What the fuck?

RODNEY
We're on Candid Camera, dudes. I
can feel it.

CLYDE
What the fuck?

51 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL -- DAY 51

Pulling their coats over their wet clothes, VERONICA and the
HEATHERS come out of the school.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
That was seriously warped, Veronica.

VERONICA
Uh-huh.

HEATHER DUKE
T.V. cameras!

In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS.
HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes!

HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward
the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch
on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a neaby trashcan.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In the girls' locker room and shower, the Heathers mourn their lost friend while Veronica has a moment of silence. The mood turns tense when a group of boys spies on them. The girls, undeterred, emerge from the school with wet clothes. Heather Duke rushes towards a TV camera crew, while Veronica discards a Swatch watch, signifying her growing disillusionment with the popular crowd.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Effective character interactions
  • Blend of humor and drama
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may border on insensitivity towards the tragic event

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with darker undertones, creating an engaging and intriguing atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a character's death through the lens of teenage drama and humor is unique and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the characters' reactions to a tragic event, leading to humorous and dramatic moments that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and original take on high school dynamics, blending dark humor with social commentary. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions showcase their personalities and relationships effectively.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle changes in the characters' dynamics and relationships, especially in how they react to the tragic event.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social pressures and expectations of her peers while dealing with the aftermath of a friend's death. She struggles with fitting in and finding her own identity amidst the chaos.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to cope with the loss of her friend and navigate the social dynamics of the high school environment. She is also trying to maintain her composure and avoid being judged by her peers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, mainly revolving around the characters' reactions to the tragic event and their interpersonal dynamics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts and tensions arising from the characters' interactions and social dynamics. The obstacles and challenges faced by the protagonist add depth and complexity to the narrative, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the characters' reactions to the tragic event and their interpersonal conflicts add tension and drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters' personalities and relationships, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions. The sudden shifts in tone and mood keep the audience on their toes, adding suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around societal expectations, peer pressure, and the struggle to maintain individuality in a conformist environment. Veronica's actions and interactions with her peers highlight this conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from humor to sadness, creating a compelling emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and relatable characters. The conflicts and tensions between the characters keep the audience invested in the story, while the witty exchanges add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and visual descriptions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey, building tension and suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, moving seamlessly from one location to another while maintaining the focus on the characters' interactions and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit confusing in terms of pacing and structure. It starts with a conversation in the locker room, then moves to the shower, and then back to the locker room again. It might be helpful to streamline the scene and make the transitions between locations clearer.
  • The dialogue in the locker room feels a bit stilted and unnatural. Consider revising the lines to make them sound more like how real teenagers would talk.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth. While the characters are grieving for Heather Chandler, they don't seem to be feeling much beyond a surface level sadness. Consider exploring their feelings more deeply and giving the audience a sense of the impact Heather's death has had on them.
  • The introduction of the female stoner in the army jacket feels a bit abrupt and unnecessary. Consider cutting this character or integrating her more seamlessly into the scene.
Suggestions
  • Try reorganizing the scene to make the transitions between locations clearer and the pacing feel more natural.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more natural and realistic.
  • Explore the characters' emotions more deeply and give the audience a sense of the impact Heather's death has had on them.
  • Consider cutting the female stoner character or integrating her more seamlessly into the scene.



Scene 16 -  Veronica's Disdain and Big Bud Dean's Frustrations
52 INT. THE DEAN LIVING ROOM -- LATE AFTERNOON 52

A massive T.V. set shows the image of HEATHER DUKE posed by a
tree, talking into a microphone.

HEATHER DUKE (T.V.)
I choose to remember the good times.
Like when we got our ears pierced
at the mall.

The image of HEATHER MCNAMARA sitting in the grass talking
into a microphone supersedes HEATHER DUKE's.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (T.V.)
I can still hear those late night
talks on the phone.
The image of PETER DAWSON sitting on a rock comes on next.

PETER (T.V.)
The day I won her that stuffed rhino
at the 4-H Fair, she said to me....

VERONICA (O.S.)
You're an asshole! Mute him!

VERONICA and J.D. are seen to be crashed on a couch. J.D.
pushes a button on the remote control, cutting the sound.

J.D.
Mute!

VERONICA
Next channel, darling.

The silent image of HEATHER DUKE on a staircase talking into a
microphone is on the screen.

VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather, how many networks did
you run to!

Country Club Courtney appears wearing a T-shirt reading BIGFUN.
VERONICA takes the remote and turns the sound on.

VERONICA
Oh, I have to hear this.

COURTNEY (T.V.)
In my heart, Heather's still alive.

VERONICA
(muting Courtney)
What are you talking about? She
hated you! You hated her!
(to J.D.)
What are you smiling at?

J.D.
Heather Chandler is more popular
than ever now.

VERONICA
Yeah. Scary stuff.

J.D. suddenly looks away from VERONICA with a mischievous
half-smile. He inexplicably calls out.

J.D.
Why son, I didn't hear you come in.

J.D.'s father BIG BUD DEAN, stands before them, handsome and
threatening in a shirt and tie. He is rather malevolently
holding a rowing machine.
BIG BUD DEAN
Hey Dad, how was work today?

BIG BUD slams down his rowing machine and straddles it before
answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady
Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him.

BIG BUD DEAN
It was miserable. Some damn tribe of
withered old bitches doesn't want us
to terminate that fleabag hotel. All
because Glenn Miller and his band once
took a shit there. It's just like
Kansas. Do you remember fucking Kansas?

J.D.
That was the one with wheat right?

BIG BUD DEAN
The Save the Memorial Oak Tree
Society. Showed those fucks.

J.D. turns to VERONICA with a bemused smile.

J.D.
Thirty Fourth of July fireworks
attached to the trunk. Arraigned
but Acquitted.

BIG BUD DEAN
Fucking Kansas. Gosh Pop, I almost
forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

J.D.
Veronica, Dad. Dad, Veronica.

VERONICA
Hello.

VERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shaked BUD's hand.
He extends his hand but makes no effort to stop rowing
hence his hand pulls away from VERONICA. Pop and son laugh.

J.D.
Jason, why don't you ask your
little friend to stay for dinner.

VERONICA
(awkwardly standing)
My Mom's making my favorite meal
tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.

J.D.
Nice. The last time I saw my Mom,
she was waving out the window of a
library in Texas. Right, DAD?

BIG BUD DEAN stops rowing to grin a You-Think-You're-
Tougher-Than-Me-But-You're-Not smile to J.D.
BIG BUD DEAD
Right, SON.

VERONICA
(weakly)
Right.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica and J.D. watch a TV memorial for Heather Chandler, mocking the event until Heather Duke's ex-boyfriend, Peter, starts talking. Veronica's dislike for Heather Duke is shown when she mutes the TV. J.D.'s father, Big Bud Dean, enters the room, sharing his miserable day at work, causing the tone to shift from light-hearted to serious. The scene ends with Veronica awkwardly leaving after J.D. mentions his mother living in Texas.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too dark or cynical for all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor, sarcasm, and cynicism to create an engaging and intriguing atmosphere. The introduction of new characters and the use of the TV screen as a storytelling device add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reflecting on the deceased character, Heather Chandler, through the perspectives of different characters on a TV screen is innovative and adds a layer of complexity to the scene. The introduction of J.D.'s father and the tension he brings further develops the concept of family dynamics.

Plot: 9

The plot advances as the characters interact in the Dean living room, with tensions rising between Veronica, J.D., and Big Bud Dean. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments in the story, particularly regarding the relationships between the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and unexpected elements, such as the characters' interactions with the TV set and the dark humor in the dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and display distinct personalities, especially J.D., Veronica, and Big Bud Dean. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their motivations, conflicts, and dynamics, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Veronica and J.D., undergo subtle changes in their dynamics and relationships in the scene. Veronica's discomfort and tension with Big Bud Dean hint at future conflicts and developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate the awkward and tense interactions with J.D.'s father, Big Bud Dean. This reflects her desire to fit in and be accepted by J.D.'s family, despite the uncomfortable situation.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to maintain a facade of politeness and composure in front of J.D.'s father, despite the awkwardness of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the tensions between the characters, particularly Veronica, J.D., and Big Bud Dean. Their conflicting personalities, motivations, and actions create a sense of unease and anticipation for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica facing the challenge of maintaining her composure in front of J.D.'s intimidating father. The audience is unsure of how the interaction will unfold, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised in the scene as tensions escalate between the characters, particularly Veronica, J.D., and Big Bud Dean. The consequences of their actions and decisions hint at future conflicts and challenges.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, tensions, and dynamics between the characters. It sets up future plot developments and character arcs, particularly regarding Veronica, J.D., and Big Bud Dean.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and dark humor that subvert the audience's expectations. The tension and discomfort in the scene add to its unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between appearances and reality, as Veronica tries to navigate the facade of politeness while dealing with the uncomfortable truth of her situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including humor, tension, and cynicism. The characters' reflections on Heather Chandler's death and their interactions with each other add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and filled with dark humor. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities, relationships, and conflicts. The banter between the characters adds depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and tense interactions between the characters. The dynamic between Veronica, J.D., and Big Bud Dean keeps the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with Big Bud Dean's introduction. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the pacing of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and dialogue. It effectively sets up the tension and conflict in the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a darkly humorous tone, as Veronica and J.D. watch TV and make fun of the memorial coverage for Heather Chandler.
  • The introduction of J.D.'s father, Big Bud Dean, adds an element of tension and conflict to the scene, as he is portrayed as a threatening and aggressive character.
  • The dialogue between J.D. and his father is well-written and adds depth to their relationship, as well as revealing more about J.D.'s character.
  • Veronica's interactions with Big Bud Dean are somewhat awkward and forced, highlighting her discomfort in the situation.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with Veronica making an excuse to leave and J.D. and his father sharing a moment of understanding and camaraderie.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more development to Veronica's character in this scene, as she seems somewhat passive and reactionary.
  • Consider exploring the theme of power and control further in the interactions between J.D., Veronica, and Big Bud Dean.
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene to help convey the tension and conflict, such as Big Bud Dean's aggressive body language and Veronica's discomfort.
  • Consider expanding the scene to further explore the relationship between J.D. and his father, as it is a potentially rich source of conflict and character development.



Scene 17 -  Veronica Attends Heather Chandler's Funeral and Plans a Double Date
53 EXT. THE SAWYER PATIO -- DUSK 53

Just as in the earlier patio scene, DAD and MOM SAWYER are
seated at a patio table with an empty chair between them. Pate
is on the table. DAD smokes a cigarette.

DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.

VERONICA walks into view and sits down.

VERONICA
All right.

DAD
So what was the first day after
Heather's suicide like?

VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

MOM
Terrible thing. So will we get to
meet this dark horse prom contender?

VERONICA
MayBE.

DAD
(looking at his cigarette)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I smoke these damn things?

VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.

DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.

DAD immediately takes another drag with a wide grin.

MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....

VERONICA
Greate pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the funeral tomorrow.
54 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- DAY 54

A montage commences showing the HEATHERS preparing for the
funeral. HEATHER MCNAMARA models an all-black outfit in front
of a dressing table mirror. She storms away, pouting.

55 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- DAY 55

Bobbing up from a fashion magazine whose cover story is
FUNERAL CHIC, HEATHER DUKE finishes applying black lipstick. A
look of horror passes over her face and she savagely scrubs
her lips.

56 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 56

A MORTICIAN puts the finishing touches on HEATHER CHANDLER,
smoothing out her clothes and buffing her face. He gently
kisses her forehead then quickly rebuffs the spot.

57 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- DAY 57

HEATHER MCNAMARA models another black outfit. She responds
this time with a satisfied smile.

58 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- DAY 58

Traditionally made up, a smiling HEATHER DUKE brings a
crucifix earring to her ear and attaches it.

59 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 59
A59 A59
HEATHER CHANDLER serenely lies in a coffin as FATHER RIPPER
bellows off-screen. A panorama of ADULTS and STUDENTS is
revealed at this more social than spiritual event. VERONICA
and J.D. watch from the back pew.

FATHER RIPPER (O.S.)
I blame not Heather but rather a
society that tells its youth that
the answers are on the MTV video
games. We must pray the other
teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know
the name of that "righteous dude"
who can solve their problems....

The bald FATHER RIPPER finally comes into view.

FATHER RIPPER
(cont'd)
It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

B59 KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN -- LATER B59

BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open coffin.
The viewer hears what she is thinking.
BETTY (V.O.)
May Heather Chandler rest in peace
even though she committed suicide.
For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the-
glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen.

BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits.
HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.)
Oh God, this is a tragic thing and
sometimes I have a hard time dealing
with it and stuff. Please send Heather
to heaven and all that. Thanks. I
mean, Amen.

HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place.

PETER (V.O.)
Dear God, make sure this never
happens to me. I do not think I
could handle suicide and that's
the God's honest truth. Pardon
the pun. Fast-early-acceptance-
into-an-Ivy-League-school-and-
please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen.

PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place.

RAM (V.O.)
Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did
you kill such hot snatch. That's
a joke, man. People are so serious.
(a beat)
Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,
pray for us sinners....so we don't
get caught. Another joke, man.

RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place.

HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
I prayed for the death of Heather
Chandler many times and I felt bad
every time I did, but I kept doing
it anyway. Now I know you understood
everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia.

HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't
kill Heather Chandler but hey, who
am I trying to kid, right? I just
want my high school to be a nice
place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?
C59 CHURCH LOBBY C59

HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and
then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica. What are you doing tonight?

VERONICA
Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram asked me out, but he wants to
double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't
have a date.

VERONICA
HeaTHER, I've got something
going with J.D.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on
hold tonight, I'll never forget it.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica Sawyer joins her parents for dinner and discusses Heather Chandler's suicide. The scene then transitions to Heather Chandler's funeral, where various students offer prayers, including Veronica, Heather McNamara, Peter Dawson, Ram Sweeney, Heather Duke, and Martha Dunnstock. The scene ends with Heather McNamara asking Veronica to join her and Ram for a double date.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of characters' emotions
  • Effective use of dark humor
  • Poignant reflections on death and grief
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor with poignant reflections on death and suicide, creating a compelling and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' reactions to Heather Chandler's death through funeral preparations and prayers is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the characters' emotional responses to Heather Chandler's death, leading to introspective moments and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of grief and guilt, with unique character dynamics and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' inner thoughts and emotions are vividly portrayed, adding depth and complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional changes and reflections in the scene, particularly in their prayers and inner thoughts.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate her relationships and emotions in the wake of Heather's suicide. She struggles with guilt and a desire for a sense of normalcy.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to maintain her social status and relationships while dealing with the fallout of Heather's death.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, as the characters grapple with their feelings towards Heather Chandler's death.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' internal conflicts and societal pressures, creating tension and drama.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with the aftermath of Heather Chandler's death and their own feelings of guilt and regret.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly move the plot forward, it provides crucial insights into the characters' emotional states and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting emotions and unexpected twists in dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene explores themes of guilt, grief, and societal expectations. The characters grapple with moral dilemmas and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, delving into themes of loss, regret, and mortality.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner turmoil, enhancing the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and emotional depth. The characters' interactions and conflicts keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and humor to shine.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Veronica's parents asking her about the first day after Heather's suicide, but it quickly shifts to a montage of the Heathers preparing for the funeral. This abrupt transition is jarring and disorienting for the reader.
  • The montage itself is fairly standard and doesn't provide much insight into the characters or their relationships. It would be more effective to focus on a single character and show their preparations in more detail.
  • The scene then cuts to the funeral, where Father Ripper delivers a sermon that is both preachy and judgmental. This is not an effective way to convey the message of the film, which is about the dangers of teen suicide.
  • The scene ends with Veronica kneeling at the coffin and delivering a speech that is both self-serving and hypocritical. She claims to be sorry for Heather's death, but she also admits that she technically killed her. This is a confusing and unsatisfying ending to the scene.
  • Overall, this scene is poorly written and lacks focus. It would benefit from a more cohesive structure, more developed characters, and a more meaningful message.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a stronger hook that grabs the reader's attention and sets the tone for the rest of the scene.
  • Focus on a single character and show their preparations for the funeral in more detail. This will help the reader to connect with the character and understand their emotions.
  • Rewrite Father Ripper's sermon to be more compassionate and understanding. This will help to convey the message of the film in a more effective way.
  • Revise Veronica's speech at the coffin to be more sincere and heartfelt. This will help the reader to understand her true feelings about Heather's death.
  • End the scene with a stronger resolution that leaves the reader with a sense of closure.



Scene 18 -  Confrontation in the Church Parking Lot
60 EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT -- DAY 60

KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van.

KURT
We on tonight, man?

RAM
I still got to talk to Heather,
dude. Weird funeral, huh?

KURT
Pretty weird.

Geeks RODNEY and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM. BRACES
obliviously steps on KURT's foot.

KURT
That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

RAM
Let's kick his ass.

KURT
Cool off, we're seniors.

RAM
Goddamn Geek!

BRACES gives them "the finger".

BRACES
(awkwardly defiant)
Sit and spin.
KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered.

KURT
That little prick.

The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a
hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed.

KURT
All right you piece of shit fag,
do you like to suck big dicks?

BRACES
Cut it out!

RAM pushes BRACES down harder.

KURT
Say it man. Say I like to suck big dicks.

RODNEY
Leave him alone, Kurt.

J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT,
wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that reads
THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked.

RAM (O.S.)
Say it!

BRACES
Okay, okay, you like to suck big dicks.

Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries.

BRACES
I like to suck big dicks. Mm-mm!
I can't get enough of them. Satisfied?

KURT
I'm sure your friends are happy
to hear that.
(with a lisp)
Right, GUYS?

ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT

VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet
lately, consoling me and stuff.
It'll be really very. Promise.

Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off
his face as his friends glumly watch on.
VERONICA
All RIGHT, but I hope it isn't
going to be one of those nights where
they get shitfaced and take us to a
pasture to tip cows.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In the church parking lot, seniors Kurt and Ram confront and physically intimidate the geek Braces, while Rodney looks on. J.D. rides by on his motorcycle, adding to the tense atmosphere. Heather McNamara and Veronica discuss their plans for the evening, with Veronica hesitant to go out with Heather and J.D. The scene ends with Braces nursing his wounds as his friends watch on, while Heather and Veronica move into the background.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Effective character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Negative portrayal of bullying

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through sharp dialogue and escalating actions. The dark comedy elements add depth to the drama, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power dynamics and bullying is effectively portrayed through the interactions between the jocks and the geek. The scene explores themes of aggression and dominance in a high school setting.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the confrontation in the parking lot sets the stage for future conflicts and character developments. The scene introduces key dynamics between different social groups and foreshadows potential consequences.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the high school bully archetype, portraying the protagonist as a complex character with conflicting desires and motivations. The dialogue feels authentic and raw, capturing the harsh realities of teenage social dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions. The jocks display aggression and dominance, while the geek shows vulnerability and defiance. These contrasting character traits create tension and drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show glimpses of growth and change, especially in their interactions and responses to the escalating conflict. These changes set the stage for future developments and character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert dominance and maintain his reputation within the social hierarchy of the school. This reflects his need for validation and acceptance from his peers.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront a geek who disrespected him and assert his authority over him. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his social status and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving verbal and physical aggression. The power dynamics between the characters create a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with clear obstacles and challenges for the protagonist to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and intrigue to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes nature of the confrontation, involving power dynamics, bullying, and aggression, adds tension and suspense to the scene. The characters' actions have significant consequences, raising the stakes for future events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, character dynamics, and themes. It sets the stage for future events and developments, keeping the narrative engaging and compelling.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected twists in the dialogue. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true intentions and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's need for power and validation and the geek's desire for acceptance and respect. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about dominance and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and defiance to vulnerability and aggression. The characters' emotional responses add depth to the conflict and make the scene impactful.

Dialogue: 9

The sharp and sarcastic dialogue enhances the dark comedy tone of the scene. The exchanges between the characters reveal their motivations and emotions, adding depth to the conflict and building tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, sharp dialogue, and dark humor. The dynamic between the characters keeps the audience on edge, wondering how the confrontation will unfold.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, with quick exchanges of dialogue and escalating tension. The rhythm of the scene adds to its effectiveness, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high school drama, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the action. The pacing and rhythm are effective in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene contains a clear conflict between the jocks and the geeks, but the geeks' reaction to the bullying feels underdeveloped and lacks emotional depth.
  • The dialogue in the scene is often over-the-top and can come off as unrealistic, which may make it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with the bullying incident taking up a significant portion of the scene, leaving little room for character development or thematic exploration.
Suggestions
  • Develop the geeks' reactions to the bullying further, showing their embarrassment, fear, or anger in a more nuanced way. This will help the audience empathize with them and understand the consequences of the jocks' actions.
  • Tone down the dialogue to make it more realistic and relatable. This will help the audience connect with the characters and make the scene feel more grounded.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow for more character development and thematic exploration. Consider shortening the bullying incident and expanding on the interactions between Veronica and Heather McNamara, which could provide insight into their relationship and the themes of popularity and conformity.



Scene 19 -  Cow Tipping and Double Dates
61 EXT. COW PASTURE -- NIGHT 61
A61 A61
A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM
scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA and
HEATHER MCNAMARA look on.

KURT
Is it sleeping, dude?

RAM
I think so, man.

KURT
Then get over on my side. Oh shit,
cowtipping is the fucking greatest.

RAM
Punch it in!

KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the
COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but
VERONICA glares it away.

KURT
Count of three, guy.

KURT AND RAM
One. Two. Three!

An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes
against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA.

B61 DEEPER IN THE PASTURE -- LATER IN THE NIGHT B61

KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA.

KURT
"When I get that feeling, I need
sexual healing....."

VERONICA
Yeah, right, asshole.

VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately
stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's
intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline.
Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT
squints up the hill and falls over backwards.

J.D.
What is this shit?
VERONICA
I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I
tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

KURT
(still face down)
"Feel like making bah da dah bah da
dah, feel like making love."

J.D.
Another fucking Heather.
(harshly laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior
tonight. Seven high schools in seven
states and the only thing different
was my locker combination. We've broke
through the peer pressure cooker. So
what if we had to kill Miss Popularity..

VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill.

VERONICA
So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!

J.D.
Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.

J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn,
takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill.

KURT
"And she's buying the stairway to heaven.."
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Kurt and Ram go cow tipping, with Veronica and Heather McNamara reluctantly tagging along. After the cow tipping incident, Veronica discovers Ram on top of Heather McNamara. J.D. appears and Veronica tells him she's on a double date. The scene ends with Veronica and J.D. leaving together and Kurt falling over.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' motivations may need further clarification

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor with deeper themes, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cowtipping as a symbol of rebellion and the characters' interactions around it are well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and conversations, revealing their personalities and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on teenage rebellion and explores complex themes of morality and peer pressure. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their dynamics drive the scene forward, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters show subtle changes in their attitudes and behaviors, hinting at potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her conflicting feelings about her friends' behavior and her own desire to fit in. It reflects her deeper need for acceptance and her fear of being judged for her choices.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to go on a double date with Heather and try to maintain a sense of normalcy despite the chaos around her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mainly driven by the characters' differing motivations and personalities.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, there is a sense of tension and uncertainty surrounding the characters' actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between conformity and rebellion. J.D. represents rebellion against societal norms, while Veronica struggles with conforming to peer pressure and maintaining her own moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including amusement, cynicism, and empathy towards the characters.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and relationships effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the dark humor, and the philosophical undertones that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action lines, dialogue, and scene transitions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. While it introduces a conflict between Veronica and Heather McNamara, it's not clear what the scene is trying to achieve or how it contributes to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue is often awkward and unnatural, with characters speaking in a forced and melodramatic manner. For example, Kurt's line "Is it sleeping, dude?" feels repetitive and unnecessary.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The beginning of the scene is slow and meandering, with a lot of unnecessary dialogue and action. The pace picks up towards the end, but it's too late to save the scene.
  • The scene relies too heavily on stereotypes and clichés. The jocks are portrayed as one-dimensional bullies, while Veronica is the typical outsider who is trying to fit in.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Veronica and J.D. simply disappear over the hill, leaving the reader with no sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the scene with a clearer purpose and direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? How does it contribute to the overall plot?
  • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using forced or melodramatic language.
  • Tighten up the pacing of the scene. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action and focus on the essential moments.
  • Develop the characters beyond their stereotypes. Give them more depth and complexity.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to provide a sense of closure or resolution. What happens to Veronica and J.D.? How does this scene affect their relationship?



Scene 20 -  Newspaper Workshop Discussions and Embarrassments
62 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP -- DAY 62

In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and YEARBOOK GIRL
ALISON confer over a layout sheet. Alison wears a walkman and
BIG FUN T-shirt. PETER DAWSON pouts behind them.

DENNIS
I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund,
Peter, but we're talking teen suicide!
Ask Alison here, the number one song
right now is "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do
It)" by BigFun. Jesus man, Westerburg
finally got one of these things and I'm
not going to blow it.

PETER
Great. Heather gets the headline and I
get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

VERONICA breezes in.

VERONICA
Hi Guys. I came to check on this
week's lunchtime poll topic.
DENNIS
Don't worry about it, Veronica,
sit down. That funeral yesterday
must have been really rough.

VERONICA
Oh. Sure.

DENNIS
We were, uh, wondering if maybe you
had some poems or artwork that
Heather did that we could put in
the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

VERONICA
The what?

DENNIS
Take a look. We'll have a two page
layout with her suicide note up
here in the right hand corner. It's
more tasteful than it sounds.

Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling
and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide
into chairs, laughing softly.

VERONICA
I don't know. This thing leaves a
bad taste in my mouth.

COURTNEY
Like last night, Veronica?

COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter.

VERONICA
I'm sorry? I don't get it.

COURTNEY
You did last night. Kurt told us of
your little date.

VERONICA
Yeah. And? I left him drunk and
flailing in cowshit.

COURTNEY
I don't know. He was really detailed.

PETER
Shut up, Courtney.

VERONICA
Don't shut up. I'd like to know just
what I did.
PETER
(gesturing to the door)
Let me show you that lunchtime
poll topic, Veronica.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In the cluttered school newspaper workshop, Dennis and Alison discuss the layout of the school newspaper, focusing on a story about teen suicide. Peter Dawson is upset about his lack of coverage. Veronica enters to discuss the lunchtime poll topic, but gets sidetracked by Dennis asking for Heather Chandler related content. Courtney and her friend enter, giggling and whispering about Veronica's date with Kurt the night before, causing her embarrassment.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Some insensitive humor may be off-putting to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively balances dark humor with emotional depth, creating a compelling and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a suicide through the lens of high school students is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by revealing the insensitivity and conflicts among the characters in the aftermath of Heather Chandler's suicide.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring teenage issues and societal expectations, particularly in how it addresses the topic of suicide with a mix of humor and sensitivity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and change, particularly Veronica who grapples with her role in Heather Chandler's death.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics and expectations of her peers while maintaining her own sense of identity and integrity.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to handle the sensitive topic of including Heather Chandler's suicide note in the yearbook spread with tact and respect.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict, both internal and external, among the characters, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and tensions between the characters creating obstacles for Veronica to navigate.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters navigate the aftermath of a suicide and face the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the shifting dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical considerations of how to memorialize someone who has died by suicide. Veronica's reluctance to include Heather's suicide note challenges the societal norms and expectations surrounding death and remembrance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, blending humor with poignant moments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' true feelings and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and social commentary, keeping the audience invested in the characters' relationships and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of humor and introspection to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue-driven interactions, and a focus on developing the central conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts off well, with a clear goal for Veronica: to check on the lunchtime poll topic. However, the conversation quickly shifts to Heather Chandler's suicide and the school newspaper's plans for a memorial spread.
  • The dialogue between Dennis, Peter, and Veronica is somewhat forced and unnatural. For example, Dennis's comment about the Foodless Fund being less important than teen suicide feels out of character, as he has previously shown concern for social issues.
  • The introduction of Courtney and Courtney's Friend feels unnecessary and distracting. Their gossiping about Veronica's date with Kurt adds little to the scene and could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction. It starts off as a discussion about the newspaper layout, but quickly becomes a mix of gossip, insults, and Veronica's discomfort over Heather Chandler's memorial spread.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied. Peter's invitation to Veronica to show her the lunchtime poll topic is not a strong enough hook to carry the scene forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Veronica checking on the lunchtime poll topic, and then have the conversation about Heather Chandler's memorial spread arise naturally from there.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Dennis, Peter, and Veronica to make it more natural and in character.
  • Consider cutting the introduction of Courtney and Courtney's Friend, as their gossip adds little to the scene.
  • Give the scene a clearer focus and direction. For example, you could have Veronica struggle with her feelings about Heather Chandler's death and the school's memorial plans.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to provide a stronger hook for the next scene. For example, you could have Veronica and Peter actually go to the cafeteria and discuss the poll topic, or you could have Veronica confront Courtney and Courtney's Friend about their gossip.



Scene 21 -  Veronica's Plan: Arming for Consequences
63 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP -- DAY 63

PETER tells VERONICA.

PETER
I RARELY listen to Neanderthals like
Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were
bent over like a coffee table with
Kurt going in one end and Ram coming
in the other. Pardon the pun.

VERONICA
(dazed)
Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-BITCH.

Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER.

VERONICA
Thanks Pete, for the Foodless Fund.

PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off.

64 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 64

VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone.

VERONICA
Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I
didn't expect to be calling either. I
guess my emotions took over. I was
wondering if you wanted all those
things you've been saying to really
happen. It's always been a fantasy of
mine to have two guys at once......
Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum.

Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud.
VERONICA throws a book at him.

VERONICA
That's right. In the woods behind the
school. At Dawn. And don't forget Ram.

65 INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN -- NIGHT 65

KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face.

KURT
Women.

66 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 66

VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA breaks
into a laugh.
VERONICA
I don't get the point of me writing
a suicide note when we'll just be
shooting them with blanks.

J.D.
Get crucial. We won't be using
blanks this time.

VERONICA
You can't be serious? Hey listen,
my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.

VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed.
With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down.

J.D.
Do you take German?

VERONICA
French.

J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber.

J.D.
These are Ich Luge bullets. My
grandfather snared a shitload of
them in W.W. Two. They're like
tranquilizers only they break the
surface of the skin, enough to
cause blood, but not any real harm.

VERONICA
So it looks like the person's been
shot and killed when they're really
just unconscious and bleeding.

J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring.

J.D.
We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look
like they shot each other. By the time
Kurt and Ram regain consciousness,
they'll be the laughingstock's of the
school. The note's the punchline.
How'd it turn out?

VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also
plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of
the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both
papers.

VERONICA
First tell me this similarity is
not incredible.

J.D.
(warmly)
Incredible similarity.
VERONICA pulls back the note and reads.

VERONICA
Ram and I died the day we realized
we could never reveal our forbidden
love to an uncaring and ununderstanding
world. The joy we shared in each other's
arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet
we were forced to live the lie of Sexist-
Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole.

J.D.
Exquisite, but I don't think
ununderstanding is a word.

VERONICA
We don't want to make them out to be
too secretly eloquent. Why would the
Germans invent a bullet that doesn't
kill people? I mean it WAS World War
Two, not a school play.

J.D.
(rapid-fire)
They used them on themselves to
make it look like they were dead.
Really quite a brilliant device, but
too flamboyant to seriously produce.

VERONICA
Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.

VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable
tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her.

J.D.
It doesn't work on small animals!

VERONICA
Oh.

J.D.
Uh well hey, let's take a look at the
homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant
at the scene. Now prepare to be a
little disappointed.

J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the
contents on the bed.

J.D.
We've got an issue of Stud Puppy, a
candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card,
and some mascara.

VERONICA
You must have had fun.
J.D.
You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot.
The one perfecto thing I picked up...

J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly raises
out two bottles of Perrier water.

J.D.
Perrier water!

VERONICA
Oh come ON. Lots of people drink
Perrier. It's come a long way.

J.D.
This is Ohio. If you don't have a
brewsky in your hand you might as
well be wearing a dress.

VERONICA
(mock-seductively)
Oh, you're so smart. How about a
little heterosexuality before we go?

J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary In Veronica's bedroom at night, an upset Veronica gets money from Peter for the 'Foodless Fund' and calls Kurt Kelly to set up a meeting with him and Ram. J.D. assists Veronica in planning to shoot Kurt and Ram with 'Ich Luge' bullets, making it seem like they killed each other. They write a suicide note and discuss its content, while J.D. shows Veronica the items collected for the scene. The tone is tense and serious, with moments of humor and sarcasm, as the two finalize their plan.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential controversial content
  • Lack of moral compass in characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a unique blend of dark humor and deception that keeps the audience intrigued. The witty dialogue and the characters' twisted actions contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of faking a double suicide using non-lethal bullets is innovative and adds a layer of complexity to the plot. The scene effectively explores themes of revenge, justice, and manipulation.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that lead to the characters' plan to fake a double suicide. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and original take on high school drama, blending elements of dark comedy, revenge, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unexpected, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions are in line with their personalities. Veronica and J.D. showcase their dark and manipulative sides, adding depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica and J.D. show a shift in their relationship and personalities as they plan the fake double suicide. Their actions and dialogue reveal new layers to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate her conflicting emotions and desires, as she grapples with her involvement in a dangerous plan with J.D. while also questioning her own moral compass.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to carry out a plan with J.D. to make it look like two other students shot each other, in order to humiliate them and gain revenge for their actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internally within the characters and externally in their plan to fake a double suicide. The tension and stakes are heightened by the characters' actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Veronica and J.D. face moral dilemmas and conflicting emotions that challenge their motivations and actions. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate their dangerous plan.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters plan a dangerous and deceptive act that could have serious consequences. The tension and suspense are heightened by the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up future conflicts and resolutions. The characters' actions have consequences that will impact the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' morally ambiguous actions and unexpected plot twists. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of their plan.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral ambiguity and willingness to manipulate and harm others for their own gain. Veronica and J.D. are willing to go to extreme lengths to achieve their goals, blurring the lines between right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from dark humor to tension and intrigue. The characters' twisted actions and witty dialogue add to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and adds to the dark humor of the scene. The banter between Veronica and J.D. is engaging and reveals their twisted personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark humor, sharp dialogue, and unexpected twists. The characters' motivations and actions keep the audience on edge, wondering what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character development. The scene builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The phone conversation between Veronica and Kurt is unrealistic. Kurt is a popular jock, and it's unlikely that he would be interested in having a threesome with Veronica and Ram.
  • The dialogue between Veronica and J.D. is too expository. They spend a lot of time explaining the plan to kill Kurt and Ram, and this slows down the pace of the scene.
  • The scene lacks tension. There is no sense of danger or suspense.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The ending of the scene is weak. It's not clear what Veronica and J.D.'s next move is.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the phone conversation between Veronica and Kurt to make it more realistic.
  • Cut down on the expository dialogue between Veronica and J.D.
  • Add some tension to the scene by having Veronica and J.D. face some obstacles or setbacks.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • Give the scene a stronger ending by making it clear what Veronica and J.D.'s next move is.



Scene 22 -  J.D.'s Interruption: A Fatal Encounter in the Woods
67 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- DAWN 67

A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk
through the misty parking lot toward the woods.

RAM
(singing)
Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever
need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello
Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...

KURT
Shut the fuck up, all right.

RAM
Lighten up, dude. In those woods is
some of the finest pussy in the school
and we don't even have to buy it a
hamburger and a Diet Coke. What a way
to start the day! Punch it in!

KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM.

68 EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS -- DAWN 68

VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She
nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT and
RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods.

KURT
Hi Veronica.
VERONICA
(forced cheerfulness)
Hi Guys. Glad you could make it.

RAM smacks his hands together.

RAM
So do we just start fucking?

VERONICA
I've made a circle on each end of
the clearing. Ram, you come over here.

KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him.
A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at
the opposite end of the foggy clearing.

VERONICA


The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes.

RAM
What about you?

VERONICA
I was hoping you'd rip my clothes
off me, sport.

RAM
Oh. Good idea.

KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies.

VERONICA
Count of three, guys.

RAM giggles in anticipation.

VERONICA
One.

KURT finally cracks a smile.

VERONICA
Two.

J.D. suddenly moves next to VERONICA holding a gun in his
right hand and the feminine shopping bag in his left.

J.D.
Three.

J.D. almost non-chalantly shoots RAM in the forehead. VERONICA
rips out her gun and swings it toward KURT. Using both hands,
she fires, but misses completely. KURT runs away onto the
path. VERONICA throws down her gun with a smile.
VERONICA
Shucks.

J.D. races to VERONICA in a white sweat.

J.D.
Did you miss him completely?

VERONICA
(giggling)
Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth
it just to see the look on....

J.D.
Don't move! I'll get him back!

VERONICA's laughter cuts off like a faucet. Suddenly trembling
and confused, she watches J.D. bolt into the woods.

THE PATH

A panicked KURT runs on the path through the woods.

OFF THE PATH

J.D., with a cold efficiency, weaves through trees and fog.

THE CLEARING

VERONICA turns toward Ram's collapsed body.

THE PATH

KURT sees the opening at the end of the woods. J.D. suddenly
moves into the opening and raises his gun. KURT runs back...

THE CLEARING

VERONICA approaches Ram's body with increasing shivers. He
does not look bleeding and unconscious. He looks bleeding and
dead, dead, dead.

KURT barrels into the clearing as J.D. howls from the woods.

J.D.
Now!

In a burst of frightened, animal instinct, VERONICA whips
around and fires her gun right into KURT's chest.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In the misty school parking lot, Kurt and Ram, playing air guitars, head to the woods where Veronica plans a threesome. However, J.D. arrives, shooting Ram and causing Veronica to miss Kurt with her gun. A shocked Veronica is left alone with Ram's dead body while J.D. pursues Kurt in the woods.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Dark humor
  • Unexpected twists
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some unrealistic elements in the confrontation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 10

The scene effectively combines tension, dark humor, and suspense to create a compelling and memorable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a planned murder turning chaotic in a foggy woods setting is unique and engaging, adding layers of suspense and dark humor to the scene.

Plot: 10

The plot unfolds with a planned murder going wrong, leading to unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh approach to the high school drama genre, combining elements of comedy, suspense, and social commentary. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unexpected.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' actions and reactions in the scene are well-developed and contribute to the escalating tension and dark humor of the moment.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Veronica, whose initial plan goes awry, leading to a shift in her perspective and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and assert her power. She is nervous and unsure at first, but ultimately takes control of the situation.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to carry out a plan involving Kurt and Ram, which ultimately goes awry due to unexpected events.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the planned murder leading to a deadly confrontation and unexpected outcomes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and unexpected obstacles that challenge the characters' motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene, as a planned murder escalates into a deadly confrontation with unforeseen consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major turning point in the plot, where the consequences of the characters' actions become apparent.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shifts in tone and the unexpected actions of the characters. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power dynamics and the consequences of violence. Veronica's actions challenge traditional gender roles and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, shock, and dark humor, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the darkly humorous tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, suspense, and unexpected twists. The characters' actions and dialogue keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with well-defined character arcs and a strong narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene is fast-paced and exciting, but it could be improved by adding more character development and motivation.
  • Veronica's character is not well-developed, and her motivations for killing Kurt and Ram are not clear.
  • J.D.'s character is also not well-developed, and his role in the scene is unclear.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more tension and suspense.
Suggestions
  • Add more character development and motivation to Veronica and J.D.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable
  • Add more tension and suspense to the scene



Scene 23 -  Cover-Up in the Woods: A Tense Encounter with the Cops
69 INT. SQUAD CAR IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- DAWN 69

Two cops, MILNER and McCORD, smoke marijuana in a squad car
already filled with smoke. After a coughing fit, MILNER
shouts.

MILNER
I heard it that time!
McCORD
Wha?

MILNER
Another gunshot! From the woods!

McCORD
Shit, let's roll.

The two officer explode out of the car.

70 EXT. THE CLEARING -- DAWN 70

J.D. puts his gun in RAM's right hand while VERONICA
zombiesquely does the same with KURT and her gun.

VERONICA
Kurt doesn't look too good.

J.D.
Remember he's left-handed.

A quivering VERONICA puts the gun in KURT's left hand.

MILNER (O.S.)
Keep going until you hit the clearing!

J.D.'s head snaps forward. He yanks up VERONICA. They both run
into the woods behind RAM's body as the two Cops charge into the
clearing, guns raised. Seeing the Jocks, they stop.

McCORD
Mother of Shit!

MILNER
Call in!

MILNER looks toward where VERONICA and J.D. ran out.

MILNER
I heard something out there. I'm
checking it out.

MILNER runs off as McCORD shouts into a walkie-talkie. He is
holding the pulse of KURT KELLY.

McCORD
This is Officer McCord and I've got
two dead bodies in the woods behind
Westerburg High. Oh my God, one of
them's Kurt Kelly, the quarterback.

71 EXT. IN THE WOODS -- DAWN 71

VERONICA and J.D. flow through thick trees. An Owl hoos.

72 EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS -- DAWN 72

MILNER blindly barrels through the dense, foggy woods.
73 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE WOODS -- DAWN 73

VERONICA and J.D. come out of the woods and race up a dew
drenched hill toward VERONICA's car which is parked on top.

J.D.
Faster!

74 EXT. IN THE WOODS -- DAWN 74

MILNER is jolted by an OWL-HOO, then continues moving.

75 EXT. THE HILL -- DAWN 75

VERONICA and J.D. reach the car, panting.

MILNER races out of the woods just as VERONICA and J.D. slam
the car doors closed behind them. MILNER huffs up the hill.

76 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAWN 76

VERONICA and J.D. somersault into the backseat and begin
taking off their clothes.

77 EXT. THE HILL -- DAWN 77

MILNER continues to move up the hill.

78 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAWN 78

VERONICA and J.D., stripped down to their underwear, embrace.

79 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAR -- DAWN 79

MILNER approaches the car and peers in. His crackling walkie-
talkie startles him.

McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?

MILNER moves away from the car, then speaks into his walkie-
talkie.

MILNER
Think what I heard was just a
stinking owl. All I got is two kids
making out in the backseat of a
car. Should I pry them apart?

McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Forget it. I got all the answers
back here, partner. Boy, kids today
sure start in early. Hey, are they naked?

MILNER sighs, and clicks off his walkie-talkie.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the woods behind Westerburg High, cops Milner and McCord discover the bodies of Kurt and Ram, the school's quarterback and basketball captain. Veronica and J.D., the true culprits, stage the scene to look like a murder-suicide and escape in Veronica's car. After a tense chase, Milner finds them but decides to let them go, suspecting nothing. The scene is filled with tension, suspense, and a hint of dark humor.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the high-stakes situation and the characters' actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of covering up a crime in the woods is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'cops chasing criminals' scenario by adding unexpected twists and character dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and decisions drive the plot forward, adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a significant change as they are forced to confront the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects their fear of being caught or harmed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the cops and avoid getting caught for the crimes they have committed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the escalating tension create a gripping atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing significant obstacles and challenges in their attempt to escape the cops and avoid detection. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' fate and the outcome of their actions.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of covering up a crime and avoiding detection add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the characters' true nature and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the evolving situation. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate the dangerous circumstances.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' actions and the societal norms they are breaking. The characters are engaging in criminal behavior and are being pursued by law enforcement, highlighting a clash between personal desires and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and shock in the audience, leading to a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and high stakes for the characters. The audience is drawn into the characters' intense situation and rooting for their escape.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action beats and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with a clear sense of tension and urgency, but there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and character development.
  • The scene starts with two cops, Milner and McCord, smoking marijuana in their squad car. While this adds an element of humor and realism, it might be more effective to establish their characters and personalities in a different way, as their actions in this scene don't have a significant impact on the story.
  • The scene also introduces an owl hooting in the woods, which is an effective way to build tension, but it's not clear if this is a symbolic or metaphorical element or simply a sound effect. If it's the former, it might be helpful to clarify its significance.
Suggestions
  • Consider introducing Milner and McCord in a different setting or context that allows the audience to learn more about their personalities and motivations.
  • Clarify the significance of the owl hooting in the woods. Is it a symbolic or metaphorical element, or simply a sound effect?
  • Consider adding more dialogue or action between Veronica and J.D. in the car to further develop their relationship and deepen the emotional stakes of the scene.



Scene 24 -  Discovery of a Double Tragedy and the Aftermath
80 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAWN 80

Seeing the cop move away. VERONICA and J.D. stop kissing. They
catch their breath, smile, then continue passionately necking.

81 EXT. THE CLEARING -- DAWN 81

MILNER runs back into the clearing.

MILNER
What's the deal?

McCORD
Suicide. Double Suicide. They shot
each other.

MILNER
That's Kurt Kelly!

McCORD
Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

MILNER
Oh my God, suicide? Why?

McCORD
Does this answer your question?

McCORD reaches in the feminine shopping bag and pulls out the
bottles of Perrier water.

MILNER
Oh man, they were FAGS!

McCORD
Listen up, "We could never reveal our
forbidden love to an uncaring and
ununderstanding world."

MILNER
Ah Jesus H. Fuck. Kurt was a Sherwood
Sunday Insert Honorable Mention...

MILNER shakes his head slowly then suddenly looks up.

MILNER
Wait a second. How did they shoot
each other if we heard two separate
sets of gunshots?

McCORD
I always hear gunshots when I'm high
before noon. Life's a crazy bitch.
Don't try to analyze it. The quarterback
buggering the linebacker. What a waste.

MILNER
Oh the humanity.
82 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM -- MORNING 82

Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a
little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table.

COUNSELOR HYDE
(sotto voce to Mrs. Pope)
After every touchdown or whatever,
they give each other a little slap
on the bottom. It seems innocent...

PAULINE (O.S.)
Shut up.

The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note.

MRS. POPE
Look at this. "Ununderstanding."

PAULINE
Will you shut up! We were in a
similar position Monday and I
thoughtfully suggested that we get
the students together for an
unadulterated emotional outpouring.
You took the suggestion as an
opportunity to play yet another round
of "Let's laugh at the Hippie."

COUNSELOR HYDE
Pauline, if you want a tryout
for the school play....

PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of
bullshit--angel dust, switchblades,
sexually perverse photography
exhibits involving tennis racquets,
but this suicide thing....I guess
it's all on Pauline's wavelength.
We're just going to write off today,
and Friday she can do her little
little love-in or whatever. Whatever.

83 EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT -- MORNING 83

VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot.
Slowly other cars begin to filter in, including a rumbling heap-
ful of Heavy Metalers.

84 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- MORNING 84

The Heavy Metaler Heap's obnoxious muffler causes a sleeping
VERONICA's eyes to snap open in bug-eyed sweat. Mentally
wounded, she climbs into the front seat, pulling on her
blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D.
rumbles from the back as more cars begin to fill the lot.
VERONICA
We killed them, didn't we?

J.D.
Of course.

VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm
of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the
lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh of
VERONICA's hand as she wails away.

VERONICA
Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot!

J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in
outside of the parking lot, in front of the school.

J.D.
You believed it because you wanted
to believe it. Your true feelings were
too gross and icky for you to face.

VERONICA
I did not want them DEAD.

J.D.
Did too.

VERONICA
Did not.

J.D.
Did too.

VERONICA
Did not.

J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-too's".
VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and
singing "Mary had a Little Lamb." J.D.'s "Did-too's" get
louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy","Teen"]

Summary In the student parking lot, Veronica wakes up in her car and realizes she and J.D. were responsible for the deaths of Kurt Kelly and Ram Sweeney, two popular football players. This realization is followed by Veronica branding her hand with a car lighter in guilt. Meanwhile, at a morning conference, the school staff discuss the suicides, criticizing Pauline's handling of the situation. Principal Gowan decides to allow an emotional outpouring among the students. The scene is filled with shock, guilt, and a somber tone as the characters grapple with the aftermath of the double suicide.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of dark humor and drama
  • Compelling plot development
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Emotional impact could be stronger

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively balances the dark humor with the serious themes, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a double suicide through a satirical lens is unique and thought-provoking.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a mix of drama and dark comedy that keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on teenage rebellion, suicide, and societal expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and intriguing, especially Veronica and J.D., who drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica experiences a significant shift in her perspective and actions, leading to character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her role in the tragic events that have unfolded. She is grappling with feelings of guilt, regret, and self-blame.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and consequences of the suicide of two football players. She is also dealing with the pressure of fitting in with different social groups.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict, both internal and external, which drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, societal norms, and personal desires driving the characters' actions. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve their conflicts.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with the characters dealing with the aftermath of a double suicide and facing the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue. The dark humor and emotional depth add layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around societal expectations of masculinity, love, and acceptance. Veronica and J.D. are challenging traditional norms and facing the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from dark humor to melancholy, but could have a stronger emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective of the dark humor present throughout the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, dark humor, and emotional intensity. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, with quick dialogue exchanges and intense emotional moments. It effectively builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay. It effectively conveys the actions and dialogue of the characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between different locations and characters. It effectively builds tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene is effective in conveying the aftermath of the murders and the characters' reactions to it, but it could be more concise and focused.
  • The dialogue between Milner and McCord could be more natural and less expository. For example, instead of having McCord explain the suicide note to Milner, he could simply say something like, "Looks like they were lovers." This would be more realistic and would also allow the audience to infer the information for themselves.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. For example, the filmmakers could use different camera angles and lighting to create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience.
  • The scene could be more emotionally impactful. For example, the filmmakers could use music or sound effects to create a more somber and reflective atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down to its essential elements. This will help to make the scene more concise and focused.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Milner and McCord to make it more natural and less expository.
  • Use different camera angles and lighting to create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience.
  • Use music or sound effects to create a more somber and reflective atmosphere.



Scene 25 -  Reactions to Tragedy: Denial, Acceptance, and Introspection
85 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 85

HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering
through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping
car and its sparring occupants.

HEATHER DUKE
Ah, young love.

COURTNEY bounds up to the Heathers.

SQUEELING GIRL #1
Did you hear? School's cancelled today
because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in
a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
HEATHER DUKE
(incredulous, but amused)
No way!

86 INT. THE SAWYER CAR -- DAY 86

J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit
cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes
the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket.

J.D.
Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt
and Ram had nothing to offer the school
but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.

VERONICA
(looking to her burnt hand)
Sure. Can we make an ice run
before the funeral?

STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out.

87 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 87

A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY,
stands over his son's open coffin. KURT wears a black football
helmet. FATHER RIPPER watches on with various ADULTS,
STUDENTS.

MR. KELLY
If there's any way you can hear me,
Kurt buddy, I don't care that you
really were some pansy. You're my
flesh-and-blood. You made me proud.
I love my homosexual son. My son's
gay and I love him!

In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D.

VERONICA
Your son's dead and you love him.

J.D.
How do you think Mr. Kelly would
react to a son with a limp wrist
with a pulse?

They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at
her. She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is
soaked in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated
grimace.

88 OMIT 88

89 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM FLOOR -- NIGHT 89

VERONICA lies next to a Vodka bottle, drinking out of a Dixie
cup. She turns off her blaring radio to speak on the phone.
D.J. (radio)
As you know, the Sherwood Teen Suicide
tote is up to three. Here's one for Kurt
and Ram, BigFun with Teenage Suicide,
Don't Do It....

VERONICA
Hello J.D.? No, it's okay, I just kind
of wanted to talk...Oh, a newsmagazine
show on Channel 16. Really? On the
suicides. No, sounds great. Bye.

VERONICA hangs up and looks to her battered diary lying against
the wall. She crawls to the diary and then reaches
up to her night table to pull down her monocle and a pen.
She sucks a cup of Vodka and begins writing.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit
now has a body count.

Sitting up against her bed, VERONICA continues writing as
J.F.K. laps up Vodka from the Dixie cup.

VERONICA (V.O.)
The most popular people in the school
are dead. Everybody's sad, but it's a
good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather
depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I
gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing
but what really frightens me is that
I'm not frightened by what J.D.'ll do
next. It's God versus my boyfriend
and God's losing....

VERONICA drops her head back and closes her eyes, popping out
her monocle. She swoons down against the bed onto the
floor and curls into a fetal slumber.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Heather Duke and Heather McNamara show a shocking lack of empathy towards Kurt and Ram's suicide in a parking lot. Courtney arrives with the news that school is cancelled. J.D. and Veronica discuss the deaths in a detached manner. At the funeral, Kurt's father, Mr. Kelly, delivers an emotional eulogy, accepting his son's sexuality. Veronica, struggling to come to terms with her role in the suicides, gets drunk and writes in her diary. The scene ends with her passing out on the floor of her bedroom.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of dark humor and poignant moments
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the dark humor and themes unsettling or controversial

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor with a poignant exploration of teen suicide and complex emotions, creating a compelling and thought-provoking narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring teen suicide, dark humor, and the complexities of high school relationships is executed with depth and originality.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward effectively, blending humor with darker themes.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and original take on teenage angst, suicide, and societal expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene, especially Veronica and J.D.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica experiences a significant emotional shift, grappling with guilt and complex emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to cope with the aftermath of the suicides of Kurt and Ram, as well as her conflicted feelings towards J.D. and her own sense of morality.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and expectations surrounding the suicides of Kurt and Ram, as well as her relationship with J.D.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present, both internal and external, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts and challenges that keep the audience on edge. The characters face difficult choices and moral dilemmas that add depth to the story.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the portrayal of teen suicide, complex relationships, and moral dilemmas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The dark and cynical tone adds an element of surprise and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of morality, identity, and societal expectations. Veronica is faced with the challenge of reconciling her own values with the toxic environment she is surrounded by.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, blending humor with poignant moments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark humor, sharp dialogue, and compelling character dynamics. The conflicts and tensions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and description. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a reaction shot of Heather Duke and Heather McNamara to Veronica's car and its occupants. This shot is unnecessary since the audience is already aware of this conflict from the previous scene.
  • The dialogue between Heather Duke and Courtney is brief and does not add much to the story. It could be eliminated or replaced with something more substantial.
  • The conversation between J.D. and Veronica in the car is a bit repetitive and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene in the church is well-written but could be shortened to maintain the pace of the story.
  • The final shot of Veronica writing in her diary is a good way to end the scene, but it could be strengthened by adding a voiceover of her thoughts to provide more insight into her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the reaction shot of Heather Duke and Heather McNamara.
  • Replace the dialogue between Heather Duke and Courtney with something more substantial or eliminate it altogether.
  • Shorten the conversation between J.D. and Veronica in the car by removing unnecessary dialogue.
  • Shorten the scene in the church by cutting out some of the less important speeches.
  • Add a voiceover of Veronica's thoughts to the final shot of her writing in her diary.



Scene 26 -  Pauline's Unity Campaign Meets Skepticism and Chaos
90 INT. THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 90

STUDENTS eat and buzz together in typical cacophony. All are
wearing black armbands. A jukebox roars.

PAULINE FLEMING and an entourage of STUDENTS such as PETER
DAWSON and the HEATHERS invade the cafeteria, heads raised high.

PAULINE
Peter, kill the jukebox.

As the music amusingly grinds to a halt, PAULINE hoists up
a bullhorn to her lips and crackles...

PAULINE
Could I have your attention?

A startled Geek RODNEY splatters milk all over himself.

STUDENTS whip their heads around to the front of the cafeteria.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK warily looks up from her plate.

PAULINE FLEMING chants with soaring self-importance.

PAULINE
Our school has been torn apart by
tragedy. I'm here today to fuse it
back together through Togetherness.
I want everyone to clasp hands.
We need to connect this cafeteria
into one mighty circuit.

A tableau of dumbfounded STUDENTS stare at the Bullhorn Woman.

91 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CAFETERIA -- SAME TIME -- DAY 91

Hungover in dark sunglasses, VERONICA bustles toward the
cafeteria entrance clinging to an armful of books while trying
to tie a black armband onto herself.

92 INT. THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 92

PAULINE's Evita Peron-like composure is crumbling.

PAULINE
Yo, what's the problem? I know you
know how to hold hands. Ring-around-
the-rosy-a-pocketful-of-posy...Forget it!
(looking to her watch then Peter)
Where are they?

Her back to the viewer, VERONICA enters the cafeteria. HEATHER
DUKE floats into view and tightly knots VERONICA's armband.

VERONICA
I see Ms. Phlegm's on another crusade.
With usual success.

HEATHER DUKE
(looking to the viewer)
I have a feeling this one'll work.

VERONICA turns to the viewer and half-gasps.

TWO 2-person video CAMERA CREWS and a STILL PHOTOGRAPHER burst
into the cafeteria slightly battering the in-the-way VERONICA.

PAULINE smiles in relief. She wields around, lifting the horn.

PAULINE
The cameras are here! Lock your paws!

Slightly confused but Awesomed, a table of Country Club Kids
including COURTNEY stand and latch out to each other. A nearby
table with BETTY FINN and friends follow suit.

VERONICA looks on with a growing sense of queasiness.

The Cafeteria swirls into a frenzy with members of more
excitable cliques like the Jocks and the Heavy Metalers
jumping over and onto tables anxiously bumbling into hand-
holding constellations. CAMERA CREWS weave beside them.
In a corner, the PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot of a thumbs-up
PETER DAWSON with his arms around FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET.

PAULINE runs ahead of a hustling CAMERA CREW and grabs hold of
a chain of hand-holding Jocks. She pulls the chain until it
connects up with a grateful chain of BETTY FINNS.

A sleeping HEATHER MCNAMARA drearily awakens to the havoc around
her. She takes off her black armband, ties it around her
eyes, and droops her head back down on a table.

VERONICA lets her books slide from her hands, shaking her head.

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK nervously looks to her out-of-control peers.

HEATHER DUKE slyly looks to VERONICA with an "If you can't
beat em..." smile then saunters into the fray. She slides onto
the lap of Heavy Metaler Matt. The PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot.

PAULINE forces apart the handholding Heavy Metal lovers JACKIE
and STEVE, sandwiches DENNIS in between them, and madly departs.

The PHOTOGRAPHER now shoots a pic of a thumbs-up PETER DAWSON
with his arms around an ALL OUT NERD.

VERONICA stands before the chaos, back to the viewer, in much
the same way Heather Chandler did in the opening scene.

PAULINE and the Geek Squad look to MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.

RODNEY
I may be a geek, but I have my pride.

PAULINE
Gotcha...Could I get some Stoners
over here please!

Frightened and flustered, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK quakes
for a moment then crawls underneath her table.

A last panoramic view of the hustling CAMERA CREWS amid the
panderingly anarchic STUDENTS unfolds.

VERONICA suddenly finds herself flanked by J.D. The exiting
CAMERA CREWS flow past them.

J.D.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?

A dumbfounded VERONICA watches PAULINE and PETER approach.

PETER
I'm gonna need a VHS copy of all this by
Monday for my Princeton application.
PAULINE
(looking to Veronica)
Veronica, there you are! Wasn't it Fab?
I've put peer pressure out to pasture!

VERONICA
Oh come on, Pauline. What happens
tomorrow, when the cameras aren't here?

As they argue, J.D. looks out and sees MARTHA bob up from
beneath her table then dart back under. He ambles away....

PAULINE
Why are you dissing me, Veronica? I'm
trying to redefine the high school
experience.....

VERONICA
You're ignorning the high school
experience. People are dead and all
you can think to do is whip up some
warped Pity Party. If we're going to
ever build respect for each other,
it's gotta be something...something
real. We can't be tricked into it.
Back me up J.D...J.D.?

PAULINE
(moving off)
Let's go Peter, some people are just
unwilling to share the pain....

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE

MARTHA slithers from under the table up into her seat, and
head down, tries to finish off a bowl of soup. She slowly looks
up and freezes. J.D. is revealed to be seated across from her,
behind his Rebel Without a Cause lunch box. He smiles warmly.

J.D.
Greetings and salutations.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Pauline Fleming, a Princeton-bound student, leads an entourage into the cafeteria, urging students to unite by holding hands in solidarity. Amidst the chaos, Veronica enters with a black armband, skeptical of Pauline's intentions. Camera crews capture the scene as students reluctantly participate. Martha Dunnstock hides under the table, while Heather Duke joins the crowd. J.D. watches Martha from afar and later introduces himself to her. Pauline and Peter leave with the footage, leaving behind a mix of hope, skepticism, and chaos.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective satire
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively critiques societal norms and behaviors within a high school setting, using dark humor and satire to convey its message.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the lack of authenticity and depth in high school responses to tragedy is well-executed through the exaggerated actions of the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the aftermath of a tragedy and the superficial attempts to address it, providing insight into the characters' motivations and reactions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on high school social dynamics by exploring the tension between forced unity and genuine connection. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and serve as caricatures of high school stereotypes, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica's character undergoes a subtle change as she challenges the superficiality around her and seeks genuine connection.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to maintain her sense of integrity and authenticity in the face of peer pressure and manipulation from Pauline. She wants to stand up for what she believes is right and not be swayed by superficial displays of togetherness.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics of the cafeteria and resist the pressure to conform to Pauline's idea of unity. She wants to maintain her individuality and not be swayed by the crowd.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict lies in the clash between the characters' performative responses to tragedy and Veronica's desire for authenticity and connection.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica facing pressure from Pauline and the social dynamics of the cafeteria. The audience is unsure of how Veronica will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on social dynamics and personal interactions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the exploration of the characters' relationships and motivations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the shifting power dynamics, and the surprising resolutions to conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between superficial displays of unity and genuine connection. Pauline represents the idea of forced togetherness, while Veronica advocates for authentic relationships built on respect and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including amusement, discomfort, and reflection on societal norms.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective of the characters' personalities, enhancing the satirical tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic interactions between characters, the escalating tension, and the unexpected twists in the plot.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about 1/3 without losing any of the important information.
  • The dialogue is a bit too on the nose. It would be more effective if it were more subtle.
  • The character of Pauline Fleming is a bit too over the top. She could be toned down a bit to make her more believable.
  • The scene doesn't really seem to go anywhere. It starts with Pauline trying to get the students to hold hands and ends with Martha Dunnstock hiding under a table. There's no real resolution to the conflict.
  • The scene is missing any identification of time and location, which can be a bit disorienting for the reader
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down by about 1/3, removing any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Rephrase the dialogue to make it more subtle and realistic.
  • Introduce Pauline Fleming earlier in the script, maybe as a guest speaker in a previous class, so that she's not such an unknown quantity when she shows up in this scene.
  • Give the scene a more definite resolution. Maybe have Pauline have a change of heart and realize that she's not helping the students by forcing them to hold hands.



Scene 27 -  Explosive Revelations and a Fractured Relationship
93 INT. J.D.'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT 93

VERONICA restlessly rocks on a couch with increasingly
unguarded annoyance. Excitedly insensitive to her words, J.D.
spins the tuner of his radio, headphones pressed to one ear.

VERONICA
That thing this afternoon...I'm so
angry! It was like "Boy, isn't death
fun!" "Gee, I wonder who'll die next!"
"I'll bet we get FOUR camera crews
next time." It was chaos. Fucking chaos.

J.D. giddily pivots around, tearing the headphones from the
radio and causing a blast of static to accompany his words.
J.D.
What are you talking about? Today
was great. Chaos is great. Chaos is
what killed the dinosaurs, darling,
and it's what's going to make
Westerburg a purified place to get
an education. Face it, our way is
the way. We scare people into not
being assholes.

VERONICA
(a ticking time bomb)
Our way is not OUR way.

J.D.
Tell that to the judge; "Your honor,
I was led to believe there were Ich
Luge bullets in the gun." Tell it to
Kurt Kelly! "Don't shoot, Veronica,
I'm the quarterback."

J.D. goes into a Sonny-Corleone-at-the-Turnpike imitation.
VERONICA throws the first thing she can get her hands on, a
framed picture of a woman, at the vibrating J.D.

VERONICA
I'm telling it to YOU! YOU! Nothing
good can come from suicide, from murder,
from death. Nothing! Nothing except more
death and shit like that feeding frenzy
this afternoon....Geez, what am I..who...
Unnaah! You can be so immature!

J.D.
(looking off)
You kids are making too much damn noise.

BIG BUD DEAN is revealed to be standing in the front doorway,
holding a chest exerciser and waving a videocassette.

BIG BUD DEAN
We beat the bitches.

VERONICA
(mumbling)
Oh beautiful. The Beaver's home.

BIG BUD DEAN
Judge told em to slurp shit and die.

BIG BUD moves to the Entertainment console, turns off the
radio and turns on the V.C.R. He crams the cassette in and
hefts up his chest exerciser. He begins pumping away as the
image of a shabby building appears on the massive T.V.

BIG BUD DEAN
I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
Masterful. When that blew, it set off
a pack of thermals I'd stuck upstairs.
The building blows up. BIG BUD cackles. J.D. politely
applauds. BUD pops out the videocassette and bounces away.

BIG BUD DEAN
It's great to be alive!

VERONICA
Do you like your father?

J.D.
Never given the matter much thought.
Liked my mother.

J.D. picks up the framed picture that Veronica threw.

J.D.
They said her death was an accident.
But she knew when the explosives were
set to go off. She knew...

VERONICA slowly sits down next to J.D. with dazed concern.

VERONICA
In some sick way, we unclogged the
sinuses of the school. But if we're
going to keep the school healthy, it's
gotta be through something having to
do with life, not death.

J.D.
Whoa, Metaphor Tennis anyone? Tell me,
if you put a Nazi in a concentration
camp, does that make you a Nazi?

VERONICA
MayBE.

J.D. exhales in frustration before bounding up from the couch
to turn back on the radio.

D.J. (Radio)
Dudes, if I get one more request for
that BigFun song I'M going to
committ suicide. Here it is......

J.D.
(malevolently)
They're playing our song....

As the "song" kicks in (a bunch of guys shouting over a drum
machine), J.D. seductively moves toward VERONICA, semi-lip-
syncing it. As a seethingly angry but not unaroused
VERONICA watches, J.D. slithers onto the couch.
BIGFUN (Radio)
TIMES ARE MEAN FOR A TEEN--WE KNOW!
PARENTS IGNORE, TEACHERS BORE--WE KNOW!
BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GO!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

J.D. stops his seduction and rips out a gun. He giddily fires
into the radio, destroying it.

VERONICA
That's it, we're breaking up.

J.D.
Wha-a-at?

J.D. playfully tackles the fleeing VERONICA. This calms rather
than angers. She turns on her back. J.D. follows suit.

J.D.
You can't bring them back. You
must know that.

VERONICA
I'm not trying to "bring back"
anybody...except maybe myself.

VERONICA sighs, then rolls over into a crawling position and
eventually into a walking-out-the-door position.

VERONICA
To think there was a time when I
thought you were cool. If you can't
deal with me now, just stay home and
shoot your T.V., blow away a couple
toasters or something. Just don't come
to school and don't mess with me.

J.D.
You'll be BACK!

J.D. slowly sits up and with both hands, puts his gun in his
mouth. He pauses, lets go of the gun, and then biting down on
the barrel of the gun, J.D. proceeds to broodingly tie his
shoes.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy","Teen"]

Summary In J.D.'s living room at night, J.D. and Veronica engage in a heated argument about their recent actions, leading to Veronica breaking up with J.D. Big Bud Dean's entrance provides some comic relief, but the main conflict between J.D. and Veronica remains unresolved. J.D., dealing with the recent death of his mother in an explosion, appears to contemplate suicide after Veronica leaves.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Sharp and impactful dialogue
  • Compelling exploration of moral dilemmas and consequences
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of tonal inconsistency
  • Slightly melodramatic elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and moral dilemmas faced by the characters, setting up a tense and dramatic atmosphere. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the inner conflicts of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of the deaths caused by the main characters is compelling and thought-provoking. It delves into complex themes of morality, consequences, and personal responsibility.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, as the characters grapple with the repercussions of their actions and face internal and external conflicts. The tension builds as Veronica and J.D. confront their differences and the consequences of their choices.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of teenage rebellion and explores complex moral dilemmas in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant emotional and moral challenges in this scene. Their conflicting perspectives and internal struggles add depth to the narrative and drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both Veronica and J.D. undergo significant emotional and moral changes in this scene, as they confront the consequences of their actions and grapple with their conflicting views on life and death.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to assert her moral values and stand up against the destructive behavior of J.D. She is trying to maintain her sense of self and resist the influence of chaos and violence around her.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal in this scene is to confront J.D. about his destructive actions and behavior. She wants to break up with him and distance herself from his influence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, as the characters grapple with guilt, responsibility, and their differing views on life and death. The tension between Veronica and J.D. adds to the dramatic intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals between the characters creating a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters face the repercussions of their actions and confront the moral and emotional consequences of their choices. The tension and conflicts raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the characters face the aftermath of the deaths they caused and confront their own moral dilemmas. The tension and conflicts set up further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between chaos and order, violence and morality. Veronica represents the side of morality and life, while J.D. embodies chaos and death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of anger, sadness, and confusion as the characters confront the consequences of their actions. The emotional turmoil and moral dilemmas faced by the characters resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the inner thoughts and conflicts of the characters. It effectively conveys the emotional intensity and moral complexity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict between the characters, the dark humor, and the unpredictable nature of the dialogue and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the actions and dialogue of the characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene's dialogue is strong and engaging, creating distinct voices for Veronica and J.D. and showcasing their conflicting perspectives.
  • The pacing of the scene is dynamic, with quick back-and-forth dialogue and actions that reveal the characters' emotions.
  • The introduction of Big Bud Dean adds an interesting layer to J.D.'s character, hinting at his family history and the source of his fascination with explosives.
  • Veronica's character development is evident in this scene, as she expresses her disapproval of J.D.'s methods and advocates for a more life-affirming approach.
  • The scene effectively explores the theme of chaos versus order, with J.D. embracing chaos and Veronica seeking a more structured way to address the school's issues.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to help readers better imagine the setting and the characters' movements.
  • Explore the possibility of having Veronica and J.D. engage in a more in-depth conversation about their differing views, allowing for more character development and thematic exploration.
  • Consider introducing a minor conflict or tension between Veronica and J.D. to heighten the stakes and add more depth to their relationship.
  • To further emphasize the theme of chaos versus order, you could include a visual representation of chaos (e.g., a messy room, a cluttered desk) and contrast it with an image of order (e.g., a neatly organized space).
  • Consider having Veronica express her thoughts and feelings more directly, allowing her to assert her agency and demonstrate her growth as a character.



Scene 28 -  The Leadership Deal
94 INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM -- DAY 94

J.D. moves to an empty row of desks. He turns the first desk
as to face the second. HEATHER DUKE warily lowers herself into
the second desk as J.D. flops a manilla envelope onto it.
HEATHER DUKE opens the envelope and pulls out a stack of 8x10's.

The first shot shows a YOUNG HEATHER DUKE in a summer camp
uniform that vibrantly reads HEATHER, She is holding one end
of a large poster board drawing of two Eskimos rubbing noses.
Holding the other end, in a summer camp uniform vibrantly
reading MARTHA, is a YOUNG MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
HEATHER DUKE
What the.....

With a harsh laugh, she takes in the next photograph. It has
YOUNG HEATHER DUKE and YOUNG MARTHA eating toasted
marshmallows off each other's sticks.

HEATHER DUKE
(queasily intrigued)
Where did you get these?

J.D.
Oh, I just had the NICEST chat with
Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's
scary how everyone's got a story to
tell....Would you care to see the
canoeing shots?

HEATHER DUKE
What is this? Blackmail? So what. I
once shared a bunk with the biggest
loser in the state. I'm not running
for president....
(narrowing her eyes at the photos)
I'll give you a week's lunch money.

J.D.
I don't want your money, I want your
strength. Westerburg doesn't need
mushy togetherness, it needs a leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader but...

HEATHER DUKE
But she couldn't handle it.

J.D. laughs. She's on the ball.

J.D.
I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye
Holden says his ideal job'd be making
sure some kids don't fall off a cliff.
He doesn't realize if you pay too much
attention to the kids, you'll back off
the cliff yourself.

HEATHER DUKE
Very very. The photographs?

J.D.
Don't worry. I'll ask you to do a favour,
one you'll enjoy. You'll get the
negatives and everything back then.

J.D. launches away from his desk with a grin. He places a
red ribbon on HEATHER DUKE's desk.

J.D.
In the meantime, strength, And hey,
there's a little gift.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary J.D. and Heather Duke meet in an empty classroom where J.D. shows Heather Duke incriminating photos of her and Martha Dunnstock. J.D. proposes a deal to return the photos in exchange for Heather Duke's strength and leadership at Westerburg High. Despite initial hesitation, Heather Duke eventually agrees to help J.D. lead the school, marking a turning point in their relationship.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a tense and manipulative dynamic between J.D. and Heather Duke, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using blackmail to manipulate and gain power is well-executed and adds depth to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as J.D. enlists Heather Duke's help through blackmail, setting the stage for further conflict and manipulation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the high school drama genre by focusing on the darker aspects of social hierarchy and manipulation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of J.D. and Heather Duke are well-developed and their interactions reveal their complex personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Heather Duke experiences a shift in power dynamics as she is blackmailed by J.D., leading to a change in her behavior and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to manipulate Heather Duke into becoming the new leader of Westerburg High. This reflects J.D.'s desire for power and control over the social dynamics of the school.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Heather Duke to take on a leadership role at the school. This reflects the immediate challenge of filling the void left by the previous leader, Heather Chandler.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between J.D. and Heather Duke is palpable, creating a sense of tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the conflict between the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of power and manipulation add tension and intrigue to the scene, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic between J.D. and Heather Duke, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of power and manipulation versus authenticity and individuality. J.D. believes in using blackmail and manipulation to achieve his goals, while Heather Duke questions the ethics of his methods.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and suspense, drawing the audience into the manipulative world of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, effectively conveying the tension and manipulation between J.D. and Heather Duke.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the dark humor, and the manipulation tactics used by the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The dialogue between J.D. and Heather Duke is a bit stiff and unnatural.
  • The scene is missing a clear conflict or goal, which makes it feel a bit aimless.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be expanded to give the audience more closure.
Suggestions
  • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue and exposition.
  • Rework the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene.
  • Expand the ending of the scene to give the audience more closure.



Scene 29 -  Adopting Heather Chandler's Persona and a Tense Croquet Game
95 INT. THE GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 95

A spooked HEATHER DUKE splashes water on her face and looks up
into the mirror. In a trance, she pulls her hair back Heather
Chandler fashion and ties it with the ribbon J.D. gave her.

A BETTY FINN-A-LIKE moves up to the sink beside her. Two CHIC
BABES enter the bathroom with pouting expressions. Seemingly
in a trance, HEATHER DUKE bends over and wipes off her wet hands
using the oblivious BETTY FINN-A-LIKE's dress. HEATHER DUKE
winks to the now-giggling CHIC BABES and saunters off.

96 INT. HALLWAY -- DAY 96

HEATHER DUKE bursts through the bathroom door to wickedly
strut down the hall. She scowls/smiles in perfect Heather
Chandler fashion to various passers-by.

97 ANOTHER HALLWAY -- DAY 97

Disoriented, VERONICA somnambulates down the hall. She suddenly
brakes amid the flow of Student traffic to stare at a locker.
The locker wears a POLICE LINE--DO NOT CROSS sticker. VERONICA
pulls out a School Spirit Club I.D. Card and moves to the locker.

With the card, she wrangles the locker open. It contains a
coat, recognizably Heather Chandler's. On the inside door is a
sizable mirror, a cute little "HEATHER" license plate, an
Alexander Haig For President sticker, and a picture of VERONICA
and the HEATHERS all wearing sunglasses and acting tough.

VERONICA zeroes in on a three frame Photo Booth picture. In
the first frame, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER stare
stonefaced. In the second frame, the two girls are screaming
at the top of their lungs. In the third frame, they have
returned to a stonefaced state. VERONICA touches the picture
with a quivering smile as two hands flap around her eyes.

HEATHER DUKE
Guess who?

VERONICA
Heather.

VERONICA turns around, stunned. The Heather Chandleresque
HEATHER DUKE can be seen in the locker mirror. VERONICA
violently pushes HEATHER DUKE away and storms off.

HEATHER DUKE peers in the open locker. A pair of red earrings
flash out at her. Biting her lip, she reaches for them.

98 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 98

Lying on the floor, VERONICA concentrates on her phone. With
a deep sigh, she pushbuttons out a number. She pauses, then...

VERONICA
Ouch. Your machine's got the most
obnoxious beep. Heather, I'm sorry.
99 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 99

VERONICA's voice drones through HEATHER DUKE's answering machine.

VERONICA (O.S./machine)
I'm just calling to say you can
wear your hair any way you want to.

A Male hand picks up the phone. It's College boy DAVID.

DAVID
Hey Veronica Sawyer, barf on
anybody's carpet lately?

100 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 100

VERONICA cringes.

VERONICA
Is this David? Heather's David?
What are you doing....

101 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 101

DAVID
What can I say? I was pretty broken
up by Heather C.'s suicide. I needed
somebody super-sensitive like Heather D.

102 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 102

VERONICA
I'm delirious for the both of you.
Can you put Heather on?

103 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 103

DAVID proudly looks down off-screen to his lap.

DAVID
She can't really talk right now.

104 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 104

VERONICA slams down the receiver and pulls up a sleek leather
address book. She severely scans through it. Tossing it away,
VERONICA then descends into the sundry junk of her night
table drawer and draws up another address book.
This one is frayed and pink polka-dotted. She peruses it and
dials.....

VERONICA
Hello, Betty.....

105 EXT. SAWYER BACKYARD -- LATE AFTERNOON 105

BETTY FINN hits her ball through a wicket and squeals in
delight. VERONICA has a motherly smile on her face.
BETTY
I don't believe it. I'm winning.

VERONICA
Don't get cocky, girl.

BETTY bends down to shoot then raises her body back up.

BETTY
I missed you. I know I'm not as, as
exciting as your other friends.

VERONICA
That's bullshit. Just shoot.

BETTY once again bends and raises.

BETTY
Ronnie, I'm still a virgin. I french-
kissed Al Springer once but he...

VERONICA
(warmly)
Shoot.

BETTY finally shoots. Feebly.

VERONICA
Betty, your daydreams are a lot
better than my realities, believe
me. I'm afraid though it's time to die.

BETTY
Ronnie!

VEONCIA gigglingly shoots, but misses the wicket. And instead
hits BETTY's ball. Disturbed by the sudden dilemma, she
determinedly walks to her ball and moves it away from BETTY's.

BETTY
Hey, you're not settling for the two shots
are you? Knock me out girl. It's the only way.

VERONICA
It's not my style, okay?

BETTY
Nice guys finish last. I should know.

VERONICA sighs then knocks BETTY's adjacent ball sailing
toward the porch and a statuesque Earring-wearing HEATHER
DUKE, who does not budge as the ball whizzes past her.

HEATHER DUKE
Brav-O!

BETTY FINN
(nervously)
I've got to get going, Veronica.
VERONICA
Sure.

HEATHER DUKE walks toward the girls followed by a meandering
desultory HEATHER MCNAMARA, who picks up a green mallet and
fragilely swings it; her early robustness a forgotten memory.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Croquet won't be the same without Heather.

HEATHER DUKE
(condescendingly to the passing Betty)
Oh Betty, leaving so soon...HEY, I'M RED!

LATER IN THE GAME

Red ball underfoot, HEATHER DUKE savagely "sends" HEATHER
MCNAMARA's green ball into the flower bed.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Shit.

HEATHER DUKE
You know what really bites; when people
watch that cafeteria stuff on TV and see
all those Geeks and Metalheads jumping
around, they're going to think Uncool
is the Rule at Westerburg.....Damn!

HEATHER DUKE's shot swerves wide of the wicket.

VERONICA
You're so polluted. Talking down to
people, making fake notes....

VERONICA blows her shot.

HEATHER DUKE
I don't see what gives you the right
to lecture, RONNIE. You were
soulmates with Betty Finn until you
realized you're the cover of
Seventeen magazine and she's the
before half of a Scarsdale Diet ad.

HEATHER DUKE bashes her ball into VERONICA's and prepares
to send it.

HEATHER DUKE
Some people just don't matter. Why
should those who do carry their
weight? Am I right?

As HEATHER DUKE swings down her mallet, VERONICA steps on her
own ball. When HEATHER DUKE's mallet makes contact, the two
balls slam against each other, unmoving, with a loud smack.
VERONICA
No, you're wrong. It's not even
your turn.

The depressed and disoriented HEATHER MCNAMARA, laying
against a tree, pipes in.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
She's right.....Boy, croquet's not
the same without Heather.

HEATHER DUKE
(shaking out her wrist)
I don't know what your damage is
Veronica, but me and Heather are
going to walk over to the Mall.
Maybe by the time we head back,
your tampon'll be flushed.

As HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA meander out the back of
the yard, an annoyed VERONICA revolves back toward the house
to see J.D. sitting comfortably at the patio table with a
drink.

VERONICA
Christ, doesn't anybody knock?

J.D.
Mummy and Daddy let me in. So I'm a
dark horse, huh? You make me blush...

VERONICA reaches the patio, gently swinging her croquet mallet,
excited with the thought that J.D. has come to change his ways.

VERONICA
Did you come to tell me something?
Something nice. Remotely apologetic.

J.D.
(oblivious)
How about that Heather Duke, huh? I
say it's about time we got down to
doing what we do best.

VERONICA
(angrily blowing up at her bangs)
Just finish your drink and get out.

VERONICA storms to the patio door.

106 - 114 OMIT 106 - 114
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Heather Duke takes on Heather Chandler's personality and starts dating her ex-boyfriend. Veronica reconciles with Betty Finn over the phone and invites Heather Duke and Heather McNamara for a croquet game in the backyard. However, conflicts arise due to Heather Duke's new personality and her actions during the game. The scene ends with Veronica storming off after J.D. ignores her request to leave.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character interactions
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of melodrama
  • Occasional lack of subtlety in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of dark humor, tension, and emotional depth, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using a game of croquet as a setting for confrontations and emotional revelations is innovative and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and revelations, setting up conflicts and emotional stakes for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on high school dynamics, exploring themes of popularity, manipulation, and authenticity with a darkly comedic edge. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to familiar tropes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience emotional shifts and revelations during the scene, leading to potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate her relationships with the Heathers and J.D. while maintaining her own sense of identity and values. She struggles with the pressure to conform to societal expectations and the desire for genuine connections.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to assert herself and stand up to the Heathers' manipulation and toxic behavior. She also seeks to understand J.D.'s intentions and maintain control over her own life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, power struggles, and emotional tensions driving the character interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcomes and resolutions of the conflicts.

High Stakes: 7

The high emotional stakes and conflicts in the scene raise the tension and importance of the characters' choices and actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting motivations, unexpected revelations, and conflicting desires. The audience is kept on their toes as the relationships and power dynamics evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a conflict between superficiality and authenticity, as Veronica grapples with the facade of popularity and the reality of her relationships. This challenges her beliefs about identity, friendship, and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional depth and complexity of the characters' interactions create a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, sharp dialogue, and escalating conflicts. The tension between the characters and the unfolding drama keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and character introspection. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through the script format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is mostly expository and does not reveal much about the characters or their relationships
  • The scene does not have a clear purpose and feels like a filler scene
  • The scene is too long and could be cut down without losing any important information
Suggestions
  • Add more dialogue that reveals the characters' thoughts and feelings
  • Give the scene a clear purpose, such as advancing the plot or developing a character
  • Cut down the scene to make it more concise and impactful



Scene 30 -  Veronica's Frustration with Parents' Obsession and Martha's Solitude
115 INT. GYM -- DUSK 115

Wearing a BigFun T-shirt, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK sits in
the bleachers glumly sipping out of a cup of Coke. Cheers and
shouts can be heard booming around her.
As she places the cup down beside her, it is revealed MARTHA
is completely alone in the gym; the others being sad workings
of her embattled imagination.

She lifts the cup back up to her mouth but the plastic lid
pops off and a gush of Coke splashes onto her BigFun T-shirt.

116 INY. THE SAWYER LIVING ROOM -- DUSK 116

With her croquet mallet, VERONICA comes into her house,
sliding the patio door closed. MOM and DAD are watching a
video image of PAULINE FLEMING at a cafeteria table.

MOM
Jason's kinda cute for a dark horse.

PAULINE (T.V.)
The Westerburg Suicides were tough on
all of us, but we shared the pain of
losing three very popular souls.

DAD
I don't know about that coat he was
wearing though. Hey, isn't that the
flake we met at Open House.

A zombie VERONICA floats past her parents to stare at the T.V.

PAULINE (T.V.)
I came into the cafeteria and
asked them to hold hands. The
response was immediate.

Footage of the frenzied handholding Students unfolds upon the
screen with no evidence of the calculation behind it.
PAULINE's sanctimoniously dulcet tones go over the image.

PAULINE (V.O./T.V.)
My mere words liberated the students,
causing them to open their petals and
reveal their hopes and fears. By a
stroke of luck, T.V. cameras were
fortunate enough to happen to be on
hand to capture this spontaneous,
natural emotional outpouring of emotion.

VERONICA
Happened to be on hand....spontaneous
natural emotional outpouring!

VERONICA clams up in anger as her parents babble.

DAD
Look there's Heather.

MOM
And there's Heather. Where are
you, Veronica?
The video image of PAULINE at a cafeteria table returns.

PAULINE (T.V.)
Whether to commit suicide is the most
important decision a teenager has to
make. With supervision from people like
myself, we can help young people make
the right decision.

With her croquet, VERONICA slams the on/off Button and
turns to her parents.

VERONICA
I'm right here.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In the gym, Martha Dunnstock sits alone while Veronica Sawyer discovers her parents absorbed in a video about the Westerburg Suicides, featuring Pauline Fleming. Growing frustrated with her parents' fixation on the suicides and their disregard for her, Veronica turns off the TV, leaving the tension unresolved. Meanwhile, Martha remains desolate in the gym. The scene is filled with tension, frustration, and solitude, visually represented by Veronica's zombie-like state and Martha's isolation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Societal commentary
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Transitions between scenes could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and societal commentary, but some elements could be further developed for a more impactful delivery.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the aftermath of the suicides and critiquing the superficial response is intriguing, but could benefit from deeper exploration.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showing the characters dealing with the aftermath of the suicides, but some transitions could be smoother.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to teenage struggles and societal pressures, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and emotion in response to the tragedies, with Veronica's internal conflict and Pauline's sanctimonious behavior standing out.

Character Changes: 7

Veronica shows internal conflict and growth as she grapples with the consequences of the suicides and her own actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Martha's internal goal in this scene is to cope with her loneliness and isolation. This reflects her deeper need for connection and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal in this scene is to deal with the pressure and expectations from her parents. This reflects the immediate challenges she is facing in her family dynamic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and societal, with characters grappling with their emotions and the superficial reactions of others.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Martha facing internal loneliness and Veronica dealing with external pressure from her parents. The audience is unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters deal with the emotional fallout of the suicides and face the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by exploring the aftermath of the suicides and setting up further conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the pressure to conform to societal norms and expectations versus the desire for individuality and authenticity. This challenges Veronica's beliefs and values as she navigates her parents' expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' reactions to the suicides and the societal commentary, creating a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the satirical tone, but some lines could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and the tension between characters. The audience is drawn into the emotional struggles of Martha and Veronica.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, enhancing the impact of key moments and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between the gym and the family living room to convey different character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit clumsy in its exposition. The fact that Martha is alone in the gym is revealed through a clunky use of her imagination, and the dialogue between Veronica and her parents feels forced and unnatural.
  • It is unclear why Veronica is so angry at her parents. The scene suggests that she is upset about the way they are talking about the Westerburg Suicides, but this is not made explicit.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with Veronica storming to the patio door. This leaves the reader hanging and makes it difficult to understand what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene short and have it end with Veronica storming out of the house. This will create a more suspenseful ending and leave the reader wanting more.
  • Add a line of dialogue from Veronica that explains why she is so angry at her parents. This will help the reader understand her motivations and make the scene more impactful.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Veronica and her parents to make it more natural and believable. This will help the reader connect with the characters and make the scene more engaging.



Scene 31 -  Martha's Suicide Attempt and Its Aftermath
117 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL -- DUSK 117

MARTHA trudges outside of the school, the coke stain still
grotesquely encrusted to her BigFun T-shirt. She pins an
illegible-except-for-the-words-DEAR-WESTERBURG note onto her
shirt, over the stain. She continues moving toward a street
of passing cars.

118 INT. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM -- DUSK/NIGHT 118

The Sawyer family is on fire. VERONICA yanks the television
cord from its socket.

MOM
Turn that back on!

VERONICA
Can't you see, these little programs
eat up suicide with a spoon. They make
it seem like a cool thing to do.

DAD
If we're not going to watch that
program, can I put on the game?

VERONICA
Hey kids, make your parents and
teachers feel like shit! Get the
respect in death you'll never get
in life!

MOM
Are you trying to tell me it is NOT
a troubled time for the nation's youth?
Get up off the floor, your dress is
getting filthy.

VERONICA
Everybody cares about YOUTH, not the
individual. All we want is to be treated
like human beings, not like guinea pigs
to be experimented on and not like
bunny rabbits to be patronized.
DAD
I do not patronize bunny rabbits.

MOM
Treated like human beings? Is that
what you said little Miss Voice of
a Generation? Just how do you think
adults act with other adults? You
think it's all just Doubles Tennis.
Adults can be horrible to other adults.
When teenagers complain that they
want to be treated like human beings,
it's usually because they ARE being
treated like human beings.

VERONICA leans against the wall with a melancholy smile.

VERONICA
I guess I picked the wrong time
to be a human being.

MOM is embarassed for getting so involved. She meekly gestures
to a tray of pate with a compassionate smile.

MOM
You'll live. Want some pate?

HEATHER DUKE suddenly breezes in the room, out of breath,
holding various shopping bags.

HEATHER DUKE
Hi everyone, door was open. Have you
heard, Veronica? We were doing Chinese
at the Food Fair, right, when they
come over the radio and say Martha
Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She
bellyflopped in front of a car,
wearing a suicide note.

VERONICA
(repulsed)
Is she dead?

HEATHER DUKE
That's the punchline. She's still
alive, in stable condition. Another
case of a geek trying to imitate the
popular people of the school and
failing miserably. Is that pate?

VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE in the face.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Martha Dumptruck attempts suicide by jumping in front of a car, but survives. Veronica has a heated discussion with her parents about the media's portrayal of suicide, arguing that adults can be just as cruel as teenagers. Heather Duke arrives with the news of Martha's suicide attempt, leading to a conflict between her and Veronica. The scene takes place outside the school at dusk and in the Sawyer family's TV room at dusk and night, with visual elements including Martha with a coke stain on her shirt and a suicide note, Veronica's parents watching TV, and Heather Duke arriving out of breath with shopping bags. The scene ends with Veronica slapping Heather Duke in the face after hearing about Martha's suicide attempt.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Thematic depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution for Martha's suicide attempt
  • Limited exploration of other character perspectives

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and social commentary through sharp dialogue and character interactions, creating a compelling and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the disconnect between teenagers and adults, as well as the consequences of societal pressures and expectations, is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the revelation of Martha's suicide attempt and Veronica's reaction, adding depth to the characters and setting up further conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on teenage rebellion and societal pressure, with unique character dynamics and sharp dialogue that set it apart from typical high school dramas.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Veronica and Heather Duke, are well-defined and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion, driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica undergoes a shift in perspective, confronting the superficiality and insensitivity of adults and society, which sets her on a path of self-discovery and rebellion.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to assert her individuality and challenge societal norms. She wants to be seen as a human being with her own thoughts and feelings, not just a product of her environment.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to navigate the complex social dynamics of high school and assert her identity in the face of peer pressure and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Veronica's disillusionment with adults and societal norms, as well as the tension between the characters, creates a compelling and engaging dynamic in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and tensions between the characters that create obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are reflected in the themes of alienation, hypocrisy, and the search for authenticity, as well as the consequences of societal pressures and expectations on the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the character relationships, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future developments, adding layers to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character interactions that keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between conformity and individuality. Veronica challenges the idea that teenagers should conform to societal norms and expectations, while her parents represent the traditional values of conformity and obedience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Veronica's frustration and the dark humor in the dialogue evoke a range of emotions, from cynicism to empathy, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 10

The sharp, sarcastic dialogue captures the tone of teenage rebellion and disillusionment, adding depth to the characters and enhancing the thematic elements of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and complex character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with action and character interactions, keeping the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and a well-defined conflict driving the narrative.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit too expository and on-the-nose. For example, Veronica's line "I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being" is a bit too heavy-handed.
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The characters' motivations are not entirely clear. For example, it's not clear why Heather Duke is so excited to tell Veronica about Martha Dumptruck's suicide attempt.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit off. The beginning of the scene is slow and meandering, but the end of the scene is rushed and abrupt.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Clarify the characters' motivations.
  • Add some elements to the scene that advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • Revise the pacing of the scene to make it more fluid.



Scene 32 -  Strained Relations and Anonymous Confessions
119 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 119

HEATHER DUKE paces the room holding an icepack to her jaw.
VERONICA is glumly sprawled on the ground.

VERONICA
I said I was sorry.
HEATHER DUKE
You are out of control. Heather and
Kurt were a shock, but Martha
Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed
suicide hotlines in her diapers.

VERONICA
You're not funny. Turn on the radio.

HEATHER DUKE
(Heather Chandleresque)
Martha couldn't take the heat so she
got out of the kitchen. Just think
what a better place the world would
be if every nimrod followed her cue.

VERONICA
Just shut up and turn on the radio.
Hot Probs is on.

HEATHER DUKE
Oh shit, yeah.

HEATHER DUKE hastens to the radio and flicks it on. Ripping
open a bag of corn nuts, she sets herself down next to
VERONICA as a TROUBLED MALE VOICE cuts the air.

TROUBLED MALE VOICE (Radio)
I know it's supposed to be funny
that they never get off the island,
but still, sometimes I feel like I'M
on that island and Gilligan can be just
so STUPID sometimes.

HEATHER DUKE
This sounds like a good one.

120 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH -- NIGHT 120

A slob D.J. cackles into a conference call-type box.

D.J.
Dude, you've got to remember if it
wasn't for the courage of the fearless
crew, the Minnow would be lost. The
Minnow would be lost! Next call!

TROUBLED MALE VOICE
But Skipper hates me...

The D.J. rudely clicks off the TROUBLED MALE VOICE.

D.J.
Whoa, they're coming out early tonight.
What ever happened to abortions and acne?
You've got the Dogcatcher and you're
listening to Hot Probs.
121 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 121

HEATHER MCNAMARA is sitting clandestinely on her bedroom floor
talking on the phone and through her radio. A dim lamp
provides the room's only light.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
My name is Heather, I mean, not Heather.

HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up at a Madonna poster on the wall.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
It's Madonna. Geez, no, not that.

HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up to a knick-knack of little gold bird.

122 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 122

VERONICA and HEATHER DUKE simultaneously move into stunned
silence.

D.J. (radio)
Hey babe, I need a name?

123 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH -- NIGHT 123

HEATHER MCNAMARA (box)
My name is Tweety.

D.J.
Yo, Tweet, if you're going to tell
me you just saw a puttycat....

124 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 124

A broken-down HEATHER MCNAMARA sobs.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
God has cursed me, I think. The
last time I had sex, the guy killed
himself the next day. I'm failing Math.

125 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 125

HEATHER DUKE excitedlly jumps up as HEATHER MCNAMARA drones on.

HEATHER DUKE HEATHER MCNAMARA (radio)
Holy shit, that's My whole life is a mess.
Heather! We'll I was supposed to be
crucify her! captain of the cheerleading
team, but I probably won't
VERONICA because I miss practice when
Oh man, she knows we my Dad visits. My parents
listen to this show! are divorced and stuff and....
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Heather Duke paces with an icepack in Veronica's room while Veronica lies on the floor. The two have a tense interaction due to recent events. Heather Duke turns on a problem call-in show, and Heather McNamara calls in, sharing her inner struggles anonymously. The scene is tense and emotional, with key pieces of dialogue including Heather Duke's criticism of Veronica and Heather McNamara's radio call. The visual elements include Heather Duke pacing and Veronica on the floor, while Heather McNamara looks up at her Madonna poster during her call. The scene ends with Heather McNamara sobbing and sharing her struggles on the radio show.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Exploration of dark themes with humor
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some dialogue may be too dark for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor with serious themes, creating a compelling and thought-provoking atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters listening to a radio show where troubled individuals confess their innermost thoughts adds depth to the scene and allows for introspection.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters reveal their inner struggles and emotions, leading to a deeper understanding of their motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on teenage issues, blending humor with darker themes in a way that feels authentic and original. The characters' actions and dialogue are unique and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their vulnerabilities are showcased through their interactions with each other and the radio show.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show vulnerability and introspection, leading to potential growth and change in their perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to maintain control over her emotions and relationships, as seen in her interactions with Heather Duke. This reflects her desire for stability and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and drama of high school, particularly in relation to her friends and peers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal, revolving around the characters' struggles with their own emotions and past actions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' conflicting viewpoints and personal struggles, creating tension and uncertainty in their relationships and interactions.

High Stakes: 6

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with issues of suicide, regret, and personal struggles.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, moving the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of their motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its humor and character revelations, keeping the audience on their toes with unexpected twists and turns.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing perspectives on humor, morality, and personal struggles. This challenges Veronica's beliefs about friendship and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from humor to sadness, creating a poignant and memorable experience for the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the inner turmoil of the characters in a compelling way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, drama, and character dynamics. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing dialogue, action, and character introspection to maintain momentum and build tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a conflict between Veronica and Heather Duke, but it quickly fizzles out and turns into a passive-aggressive argument.
  • The dialogue between Veronica and Heather Duke feels stilted and unnatural, with Heather Duke's lines sounding particularly forced and inauthentic.
  • The scene's focus on Heather McNamara's radio call-in feels disconnected from the main conflict and doesn't add much to the story.
  • The scene's pacing is slow and meandering, with little sense of urgency or tension.
  • The scene's resolution, with Veronica and Heather Duke simply turning off the radio and going to bed, feels unsatisfying and anticlimactic.
Suggestions
  • Develop the conflict between Veronica and Heather Duke further, giving them more substantive things to argue about and making their disagreement feel more urgent and personal.
  • Make the dialogue between Veronica and Heather Duke feel more natural and authentic, with Heather Duke's lines in particular sounding more like something a real person would say.
  • Cut or reduce the scene's focus on Heather McNamara's radio call-in, as it feels disconnected from the main conflict and doesn't add much to the story.
  • Pick up the pace of the scene, creating a greater sense of tension and urgency that keeps the reader engaged.
  • Find a more satisfying resolution to the scene, one that feels more consequential and impactful for the characters involved.



Scene 33 -  Veronica Prevents Heather McNamara's Suicide Attempt
126 INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY 126

A blackboard reads POOR LITTLE HEATHER.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told everyone about Heather.

HEATHER MCNAMARA is revealed in the front row wearing her
cheerleader uniform. To the left, HEATHER DUKE dishes with
some dreamy GUYS. At the back of the classroom, VERONICA,
monocle in eye, writes in her diary.

VERONICA (V.O.)
Yes, Dear Diary, I've cut off Heather
Chandler's head and Heather Duke's head
has sprouted in its place like some
mythological thing my eighth grade
boyfriend would know about. Heather's
even doing the old note trick.

A HOMELY GIRL is seen reading a note, glancing to a TYPICAL JOCK.
VERONICA takes in the wicked panorama of the classroom.

VERONICA (V.O.)
I've seen J.D.'s way. I've seen Pauline's way.
Nothing's changed. I guess that's Heather's
way. And jesus, what about J.D.? I can't get
him out of my head. Are we going to the Prom?
Or to Hell? And where's Heather going?

HEATHER MCNAMARA suddenly rises and walks out of the classroom,
passing a GRUFF TEACHER in a trenchcoat, carrying a briefcase.

GRUFF TEACHER
Where's Heather going?

HEATHER DUKE
She's going to CRY-Y-Y.

127 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 127

HEATHER MCNAMARA struggles to open a bottle of sleeping pills.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Fucking child protector caps.

128 INT. THE GRUFF TEACHER'S CLASSROOM -- DAY 128

GRUFF TEACHER writes a math problem on the board. A flustered
VERONICA squirms in her seat then leaps up and runs to the door.

GRUFF TEACHER
Now where's she going? Is somebody getting
raped today on All My Children or what?
129 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 129

130 INT. HALLWAY -- DAY 130

VERONICA races down the hall.

131 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM -- DAY 131

HEATHER MCNAMARA is a chipmunk with a mouthful of pills.

She pulls a glass from her purse and turns on a faucet, but no
water comes out. She manages to mumble.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Give me a break.

HEATHER MCNAMARA gets running water from another sink as
VERONICA rushes in. VERONICA punches HEATHER MCNAMARA's face
causing the pills to explode out of her mouth. HEATHER
MCNAMARA slumps against a stall, onto the floor.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
What are you trying to do? Kill me?

VERONICA jumps up and down on the pills on the floor.

VERONICA
What were YOU trying to do? Sleep?

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Suicide is a private thing.

VERONICA lunges forward to strike her. HEATHER MCNAMARA
recoils with a wail. Half-regaining her composure, VERONICA
slides down next to HEATHER MCNAMARA.

VERONICA
You're giving your life away to
become a goddamn statistic in U.S.
Fucking A Today. That's got to be
the least private thing I can think of.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt?

VERONICA
If everyone jumped off a bridge,
young lady, would you?

HEATHER MCNAMARA wipes tears from her eyes and smiles weakly.

HEATHER MCNAMARA
Probably....

VERONICA
Hey now, if you were happy every day
of your life, you wouldn't be a human
being, you'd be a game show host.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Let's knock off early. Buy some shoes.
Something lame like that.

VERONICA
Sure.
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary Veronica, in a voice-over, observes Heather McNamara's newfound popularity, comparing her to a mythological creature. However, when she realizes Heather is attempting suicide in the bathroom, Veronica rushes to stop her, ultimately making her vomit the pills. The scene takes place in a high school classroom, a girls' bathroom, and a hallway, and the main conflict is Veronica's urgent attempt to prevent Heather's suicide. The tone is serious and intense, and the visual elements include Heather's struggle to open the pill bottle and Veronica jumping on the pills on the floor. The scene ends with Veronica and Heather sitting on the bathroom floor, having prevented the suicide attempt.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of teenage struggles
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content related to suicide

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the dark and cynical tone of the story, delving deep into the emotional struggles of the characters and setting up a tense and impactful moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring teenage suicide and the pressure to conform to societal norms is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations about the characters and their struggles coming to light.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on teenage struggles, addressing issues of suicide, peer pressure, and identity with a darkly comedic twist. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional turmoil is palpable, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, particularly Heather McNamara and Veronica.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to navigate the complexities of high school social dynamics and her own moral compass. She grapples with her feelings towards J.D., her desire for authenticity, and her internal conflict about fitting in.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to prevent Heather McNamara from committing suicide and to challenge the toxic behaviors of her peers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of internal and external conflict present in the scene, adding tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica challenging Heather McNamara's decision to commit suicide and confronting the toxic behaviors of their peers. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with issues of identity, suicide, and societal expectations, leading to intense emotional and moral dilemmas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the characters and their struggles, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its handling of sensitive topics like suicide and peer pressure. The unexpected turns in the characters' actions and dialogue keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around individual agency, peer pressure, and the value of life. Veronica challenges Heather McNamara's decision to take her own life and questions the influence of others on her choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, delving into the characters' struggles with a raw and poignant portrayal.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective of the characters' inner turmoil, adding layers to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, moral dilemmas, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, building tension and emotional resonance through well-timed beats and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The visual elements are effectively conveyed through the writing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm enhance the tension and emotional impact of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene transitions are abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue in the classroom scene is witty and engaging, but the transition to Heather McNamara's suicide attempt is too sudden and lacks proper build-up.
  • The scene could benefit from more context and emotional depth, as Heather McNamara's suicide attempt feels rushed and underdeveloped.
  • The characters' motivations and emotions are not fully explored, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them on a deeper level.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more foreshadowing or subtle hints to Heather McNamara's emotional state before her suicide attempt.
  • Develop the characters' emotions and motivations further to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Smooth out the scene transitions to maintain a consistent flow and pacing.
  • Add more context and depth to Heather McNamara's suicide attempt to make it feel like a more natural progression of the story.



Scene 34 -  Veronica's Suspicion and Rejection of J.D.
132 INT. THE EMPTY CLASSROOM -- DAY 132

Comfortably slouched at a desk, J.D. laconically rumbles.

J.D.
So it's come to this.
(turning to the viewer)
Heather Chandler did polls. I want you
to do a Petition, as a favor, as THE
favor. You've heard the group Big Fun, right?

HEATHER DUKE sits at the desk opposite him torching THE
manilla envelopes (photographs) with a butane lighter.

HEATHER DUKE
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

J.D.
(post-chortle)
Some teenybopper rag said that Big Fun wants
to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's
if we can get everyone's John Hancock.

J.D. flips across a stack of blank, connected computer
printout sheets. At the top is a small paragraph and the word
PETITION. HEATHER DUKE blows ashes off her desk and grabs it,
giggling.

HEATHER DUKE
I'll get right on it coach. And hey,
a little gift. I won't be needing it.

HEATHER DUKE twirls her copy of Catcher in the Rye to a
pleased J.D.

133 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW -- DAY 133

HEATHER DUKE gothically ascends a staircase, holding the
petition. She stops, arms raised high, to bathe in the
sunlight blasting through the staircase window.

134 INT. CAFETERIA -- DAY 134

HEATHER DUKE, petition in hand, sashays toward the Country
Club Kids table.

COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.

KEITH
Shit.
135 INT. SCHOOL BUS -- DAY 135

HEATHER DUKE chirps to a schoolbusful of various STUDENTS.

136 EXT. SCHOOL LAWN -- DAY 136

The provocatively dressed Petitioner charms a patch of Jocks.

137 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW -- DAY 137

HEATHER DUKE continues to bizarrely bathe in the sunlight of
the staircase window.

138 EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY 138

Strategically wearing Heavy Metal accessories, HEATHER DUKE
slams down the petition atop a car-hoodful of Metalheads.

139 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY -- DAY 139

Decked out in denim, HEATHER DUKE vanishes into the Stoner
Hallway smoke, with the petition.

140 INT. THE STAIRCASE WINDOW -- DAY 140

HEATHER DUKE further writhes in the sunlight until VERONICA's
perplexed voice cuts into her bliss.

VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather?

HEATHER DUKE brings down her arms and the petition and turns
to VERONICA, revealed to be descending down the steps.

HEATHER DUKE
Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've
gotten EVERYONE to sign this petition
even the one who think BigFun are
tuneless Eurofags. People love me!
(giggling)
My God, you haven't signed!

VERONICA
People love you but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me the petition
she signed was to put a hot tub in
the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton...

HEATHER DUKE
(verbally winking)
So some people need different kinds
of "convincing" than others....
(happiness evaporating)
Hey, just sign the petition!

VERONICA
HEATHER DUKE
It was J.D.'s idea! He made
out the signature sheet and
everything. Now will you sign it?

VERONICA
(queasy)
No.

HEATHER DUKE
Jealous much?

VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE with all her might.

VERONICA
Heather, why can't you just be a
friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch?

HEATHER DUKE
Because I can be! The same fucking cheek,
goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think, do you really think, if
Betty Finn's fairy godmother made HER
Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with
her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh!

HEATHER DUKE stumbles down the stairs.

HEATHER DUKE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw...

J.D.'s voice cuts into VERONICA's concentration.

J.D. (O.S.)
Wanna go out tonight?

VERONICA grimly turns to see a smirking, descending J.D.

J.D.
Catch a movie? Some miniature Golf?

VERONICA
(jokingly but caustically)
I was thinking more along the lines
of slitting Heather Duke's wrists
open and making it look like a suicide.

J.D. seductively slides behind VERONICA and envelops her.

J.D.
I could be up for that. I've already
started underlining MEANINGFUL passages
in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye,
if you know what I mean. This is great,
Veronica. I knew you'd come back.
As in the Chandler kitchen scene, J.D. kisses the back of
VERONICA's neck and she closes her eyes. Suddenly she rifles
her elbow into his stomach, doubling him over. She screams in
his ear then bolts down the stairs as he gasps after her.

VERONICA
It's over, J.D. Over! Grow up!

J.D.
I don't get it! You were wrong! I was
right! Strength, damnit! Come back!
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and confrontational scene, J.D. asks Heather Duke to get signatures for a petition to bring Big Fun to their prom. Heather excitedly gets signatures from various student groups, but Veronica is suspicious and confronts Heather, leading to an argument. J.D. then asks Veronica out, but she initially agrees and then rejects him, ending their relationship. The scene ends with Veronica rejecting J.D., leaving him in disbelief.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too dark or intense for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, engaging, and sets up further conflict and character development. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the complex dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a petition for a high school prom as a tool for manipulation and control is intriguing and adds depth to the characters and plot.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the power struggle between J.D. and Heather Duke intensifies, leading to a pivotal moment in their relationship.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the high school genre by exploring themes of manipulation, rebellion, and toxic relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of J.D. and Heather Duke are well-developed and their conflicting personalities drive the scene forward. Their interactions reveal layers of manipulation and vulnerability.

Character Changes: 8

Both J.D. and Heather Duke undergo subtle changes in their dynamic, revealing new facets of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to assert her independence and stand up against the toxic behavior of her peers, particularly Heather Duke. She wants to break free from the pressure to conform and assert her own values.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to resist the influence of J.D. and maintain her moral compass despite the temptation to engage in harmful behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between J.D. and Heather Duke reaches a boiling point, creating a tense and dramatic atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica facing resistance from Heather Duke and J.D. The conflict between the characters adds depth to the narrative and raises the stakes for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of manipulation, betrayal, and power play add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by deepening the conflict and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters. The audience is kept on edge as the conflict escalates.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of peer pressure, manipulation, and the struggle to maintain one's identity in a toxic environment. Veronica's refusal to sign the petition and her confrontation with Heather Duke highlight the clash between authenticity and conformity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through the intense interactions between the characters and the revelation of their true motives.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and full of subtext, adding depth to the characters and enhancing the tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, intense conflict, and dark humor. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal struggles.


Critique
  • The scene's dialogue is witty and engaging, but at times it feels forced and unnatural, especially when Heather Duke and Veronica converse. Their exchange could benefit from more subtext and subtlety.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, with some moments dragging on and others rushing by too quickly. This could be improved by tightening up the dialogue and focusing on the most important moments.
  • The scene's structure is confusing, with multiple locations and characters introduced in a short period of time. This could be improved by focusing on a single location and a smaller group of characters.
Suggestions
  • Develop the relationship between Veronica and Heather Duke further by adding more subtext and layers to their dialogue. This will make their conflict feel more genuine and impactful.
  • Reconsider the scene's structure and pacing. Focus on a single location and a smaller group of characters to create a more cohesive and engaging scene.
  • Tighten up the dialogue and focus on the most important moments. This will help to maintain the audience's interest and keep the scene moving forward.



Scene 35 -  J.D.'s Manipulative Visit and Veronica's Discovery
141 INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM -- DUSK 141

Intensely clutching her schoolbooks, VERONICA walks through
the front door into the living room where MOM and DAD sit with
aggressively compassionate faces. VERONICA is a bit confused.

VERONICA
Yes?

MOM and DAD glance at each other before MOM speaks.

MOM
Your friend Jason Dean just stopped
by. He seemed very concerned about
you. He said he thinks you might
try to kill yourself.

DAD
You HAVE been depressed lately. Oh,
he said this is for you.

DAD holds out an envelope. VERONICA nabs it and rips it open.
The note reads, in feminine manuscript: RECOGNIZE THE
HANDWRITING?

VERONICA
Oh my God....

VERONICA runs off, her mother's voice trailing behind her.

MOM (O.S.)
He says we should keep you away from
sharp objects, closed garages, toxic...

142 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- DUSK 142

VERONICA vaults through her bedroom door. A Barbieish doll
wearing a BigFun T-shirt hangs from a noose. With a whimper,
she swerves away from it, looks to her open window, and then
dives onto her bed.

143 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOUSE -- NIGHT 143

J.D. laconically leans against his motorcycle with his legs
suavely crossed. He looks uo to Veronica's bedroom window and
hears another whimper emerge. He puts a cigarette in his mouth
and lights it with a smile.
144 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 144

VERONICA curls into a fetal position on her bed and closes her
eyes.....tighter and tighter as J.D.'s voice.

J.D. (O.S.)
"You can't ever find a place nice
and peaceful because there isn't any."

VERONICA flops around to see J.D. kneeling over her on her bed
reading Heather Duke's copy of The Catcher in the Rye.

J.D.
Nice. It's got that Catcher-in-the-Ryey-
I-hate-the-world-and-the-world-hates-me-
so-let's-commit-suicide ambience. Give
it a try, underline something.

J.D. giddily underlines words then slides into a prone
position, tossing the book to an enraged VERONICA.

VERONICA
Get off my bed, you sick psycho.
You think you're a rebel. You're
not a rebel. You're a sick psycho.
(increasing rage)
Do you think you're a rebel? Do you
think you're a rebel? I wanna know!

J.D.
You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Let's
call the whole thing off...Hold it!

VERONICA freezes and J.D. reaches up to her hand where she
holds the Catcher in the Rye. Her index finger is curled into
the book. Sitting up, J.D. carefully opens the book at that
place and peers in.

J.D.
Look at that. Eskimo. One word. I
love it. I usually go for whole
sentences myself, but hey this is
perfecto. Eskimo. So mysterious...

VERONICA
Wait a....You're not listening! I'm
not on your side....
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica arrives home to find her parents worried about a warning from Jason Dean (J.D.) regarding her suicide risk. She finds a noose-like doll in her room, leading her to J.D., who provokes her with his interpretation of The Catcher in the Rye. The scene ends with Veronica increasingly angry and frustrated, lying in a fetal position on her bed.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional portrayal
  • Effective character development
  • Compelling conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the intense emotions and inner conflict of the characters, setting up a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring mental health issues, manipulation, and rebellion is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Veronica's emotional state deteriorates and her relationship with J.D. becomes more strained.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of teenage rebellion and mental health struggles, with unique character dynamics and intense emotional moments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Veronica's internal struggle and J.D.'s manipulative behavior shining through in this scene.

Character Changes: 9

Veronica undergoes a significant emotional change as she grapples with her depression and confronts J.D.'s manipulative behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and push back against the perceived control or influence of others, particularly J.D. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and agency in her own life.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal in this scene is to confront J.D. and assert her boundaries, making it clear that she is not on his side and does not condone his behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Veronica and J.D. reaches a peak in this scene, leading to a significant turning point in their relationship.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica and J.D. at odds and conflicting over their beliefs and actions, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Veronica's mental health and relationship with J.D. are on the line, leading to a crucial moment in the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by deepening the conflict between Veronica and J.D. and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue of the characters, as well as the dark and intense themes that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Veronica's desire for independence and J.D.'s manipulative and destructive behavior. This challenges Veronica's beliefs about rebellion and self-identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in relation to Veronica's mental state and the manipulation she faces.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Veronica and J.D., adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the dark humor, and the suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions described clearly.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Veronica and J.D. is repetitive and lacks depth. The characters keep repeating the same points without adding anything new to the conversation.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or purpose. It seems to be going in circles without any real direction.
  • The characters' motivations are unclear. It's not clear why Veronica is so angry with J.D., or why J.D. is so obsessed with her.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the viewer with a lot of unanswered questions.
Suggestions
  • Add more depth to the dialogue by having the characters discuss their feelings and motivations in more detail.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or purpose. This could be something as simple as having the characters come to a decision or resolve a conflict.
  • Make the characters' motivations more clear. This could be done through dialogue, action, or internal monologue.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict or answering some of the viewer's questions.



Scene 36 -  J.D.'s Manipulation: A Preventable Suicide?
145 INT. THE DUKE KITCHEN -- NIGHT 145

The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door. J.D. moves to the
dishwasher and opens it like a burglar opening a safe.

VERONICA
You're still not listening! I'm not..
J.D.
(pulling out the knife)
Nag, nag, nag, nag. nag.

VERONICA
(taking the knife from him)
This knife is filthy.

J.D.
What in the hell do you think I'm
doing? Taking out her tonsils?

VERONICA
I think I know Heather a bit better
than you, okay? If she was going to
slash her wrists, the knife would
be absolutely spotless.

J.D. grabs a dishtowel and vigorously wipes off the knife.

J.D.
How's this? Can you see your
fucking reflection?

She can and so can the viewer. Tears well in VERONICA's eyes.
She begins to shudder, a shattered smile quaking on her face.

VERONICA
Tomorrow someone else will move
into her place. That person
could be me.
(suddenly deliriously defiant)
Ha, there's only one of us who knows
Heather's handwriting and if you think
I'm doing another suicide note.

J.D.
(laughing)
You don't get it, do you? Society
nods its head at any horror the
American teenager can think to
bring upon itself. We don't need
gloves and does anyone really
care about exact handwriting?

J.D. tears his gloves off with a giggle. He takes a pen from the
kitchen counter and paper from a cutesy memo pad. He shoves the
pen in VERONICA's hand and grabbing her hand, forces her to
scribble LIFE SUCKS on the paper.

J.D.
Perfecto. Man, I've even got a
marked-up Catcher in the Rye.
What else does a suicide need?

J.D. pulls out the copy of the Catcher in the Rye and opens a
door revealing HEATHER DUKE, asleep in an artful pose on a
couch, MTV images from the T.V. flashing against her.
J.D.
(raising the knife)
If you'll excuse me......

VERONICA
No-o!

J.D. hos in the adjoinging room and slams the door. VERONICA
races to the door wailing. She maniacally rattles the doorknob
trying to open the locked door.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In the Duke kitchen at night, Veronica and J.D. break in with a tense and manipulative interaction. J.D. wipes off a dirty knife and forces Veronica to write a suicide note, while Veronica resists and questions his plan. The conflict escalates as Veronica sheds tears and shudders, and J.D. locks himself in the adjoining room with the knife. The scene ends with Veronica frantically trying to open the locked door, hinting at further complications.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Dark and disturbing themes may be triggering for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful and intense, delving into dark themes with emotional depth and strong character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of manipulation, suicide, and societal commentary is effectively portrayed through the actions and dialogue of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the intense interaction between Veronica and J.D., revealing their complex relationship and the dark themes at play.

Originality: 9

The scene displays a high level of originality through its exploration of dark themes, complex character dynamics, and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Veronica and J.D. are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene with emotional depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica experiences a shift in her mindset and emotions throughout the scene, showcasing character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to prevent J.D. from harming Heather Duke and to assert her own agency and understanding of the situation. This reflects her deeper need for control, safety, and a desire to protect others.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to stop J.D. from carrying out his plan to harm Heather Duke and to prevent any further harm from occurring. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict between Veronica and J.D. as they navigate their complex relationship and the dark themes of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, moral dilemmas, and unpredictable outcomes. The audience is left unsure of how the characters' actions will impact the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of manipulation, suicide, and societal commentary add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Veronica and J.D. and exploring key themes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected plot twists, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Veronica's moral values and J.D.'s nihilistic view of society and teenage struggles. This challenges Veronica's beliefs in the importance of life and the consequences of actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking a range of emotions from tension to despair to defiance.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is intense, impactful, and reveals the inner workings of the characters' minds, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, sharp dialogue, and suspenseful plot developments. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene's tension is well-established through the dialogue and actions of Veronica and J.D.
  • The use of the knife and the suicide note adds to the intensity of the scene, emphasizing the dark themes of the story.
  • The character of Heather Duke, although present in the scene, is not actively involved in the conflict, which could be an opportunity for further development.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more interaction between Veronica and Heather Duke to strengthen their relationship and create a more dynamic conflict.
  • Explore Heather Duke's thoughts and feelings about the situation, giving her a more active role in the scene.
  • Consider developing the theme of identity and self-discovery by having Veronica reflect on her own actions and their consequences, further distinguishing her from J.D.



Scene 37 -  Heather Duke's Funeral and Heather Chandler's Ghostly Encounter
146 INT. AN ANOYNYMOUS T.V./HEATHER DUKE'S ROOM -- NIGHT 146

The sound of the rattling doorknob subtly turns into wild
African music thundering on the soundtrack as PAULINE FLEMING
ethereally moves to a blackboard with three chalk strokes on
it and makes a fourth chalk stroke.

147 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP -- DAY 147

In speeded-up imagery, DENNIS, PETER, and the YEARBOOK GIRL
maneuver pictures of HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, and HEATHER
DUKE in mind-bogglingly countless ways in order to accomodate
them all on the same two page layout.

148 INT. FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA -- DAY 148

With even more speeded-up imagery, four STUDENTS wearing "What
a Waste, Oh the Humanity" T-shirts toss out tons of black
armbands into a hungry crowd.

149 INT. CHURCH -- DAY 149

The wild African music and the speeded up imagery slams to a
halt at the sigh of HEATHER DUKE lying serenely in a coffin.
FATHER RIPPER wearing dark sunglasses and a terrifying toupee,
walks in front of her to address a sizable group of ADULTS and
STUDENTS sitting in foldout chairs before him. FATHER RIPPER
dramatically looks over the crowd before finally speaking.

FATHER RIPPER
Eskimo.

FATHER RIPPER lets the word hang in the air, then holds up THE
book.

FATHER RIPPER
Heather Duke underlined a lot of
things in this copy of The Catcher
in the Rye, but I believe the word
Eskimo, underlined all by itself is
the key to understanding Heather's pain.

VERONICA stands in a corner with an "Oh brother" look on her
face.
FATHER RIPPER
On the surface, Heather Duke was the
vivacious young lady we all knew her
to be. But her soul was in Antartica,
freezing with the knowledge of the way
fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way
parents can be unresponsive, and as she
writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
the way life can suck. We'll all miss
Sherwood's little Eskimo. Let's hope
she's running noses with Jesus.

HEATHER _CHANDLER_ moves next to VERONICA holding a plate of
steaming spaghetti. She is wearing nerdy glasses and
something that looks like an intergalactic prison unifrom.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Is this turnout weak or what? I had
AT LEAST seventy more people at
my funeral.

VERONICA
Heather? Wha...

HEATHER CHANDLER
Oh God Veronica, my afterlife is
s-o-o boring. If I have to sing
"Kumbaya" one more time...

VERONICA
What are you doing here?!

HEATHER CHANDLER
I made your favorite. Spaghetti.
Lots of oregano.

With a squeal, HEATHER CHANDLER plunges VERONICA's face into
the plate of spaghetti.

HEATHER CHANDLER
Dinner!
Genres: ["Dark Comedy","Teen Drama"]

Summary In this emotionally charged scene, Pauline Fleming makes chalk strokes on a blackboard, Dennis, Peter, and the Yearbook Girl arrange photos in the newspaper workshop, students toss out black armbands, and Heather Duke lies in a coffin during her funeral. Father Ripper discusses Heather's pain using her suicide note and The Catcher in the Rye, while Heather Chandler appears to Veronica as a ghost and forces spaghetti on her. The scene takes place in several locations, including a church, the afterlife, and the newspaper/yearbook workshop, and highlights conflicts such as Veronica's struggle to open a locked door to reach J.D., Father Ripper's insensitive understanding of Heather Duke's pain, and Heather Chandler's ghostly appearance, creating a strange and uncomfortable situation. The tone is sad, confusing, and surreal, with dialogue focusing on Heather Duke's pain and The Catcher in the Rye, and visual elements including Pauline Fleming making chalk strokes, students arranging photos, students tossing out black armbands, Father Ripper addressing a crowd, and Heather Chandler appearing as a ghost and forcing spaghetti on Veronica. The scene ends with Heather Chandler's ghost forcing spaghetti on Veronica.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Unique concept
  • Memorable characters
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the dark humor and satire controversial or off-putting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines dark humor, satire, and social commentary to create a memorable and impactful moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of teenage suicide through a satirical lens is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the revelation of Heather Duke's struggles and the unconventional funeral scene, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected elements, such as the exaggerated funeral scene and the absurd interactions between characters. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the complexities of teenage emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Heather Chandler and Veronica, showcase their distinct personalities and add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Heather Duke undergoes a significant change in demeanor and perspective, adding depth to her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the absurdity and chaos around her while maintaining her own sense of morality and sanity. She is conflicted by the events unfolding and struggles to make sense of the dark humor and tragedy.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to confront the unexpected appearance of Heather Chandler and navigate the bizarre situation she finds herself in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within the characters, especially Heather Duke, as they grapple with their emotions and societal pressures.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica facing unexpected challenges and conflicts that test her morality and sanity. The interactions with Heather Chandler add layers of complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of teenage suicide and societal expectations add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters' inner struggles and relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of Heather Chandler and the surreal elements of the funeral scene. The audience is kept on their toes by the bizarre events unfolding.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of teenage identity, societal expectations, and the consequences of cruelty. Father Ripper's speech highlights the superficiality of high school relationships and the underlying pain that teenagers may be experiencing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from dark humor to empathy, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and contributes to the darkly comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and unexpected twists. The interactions between characters and the dark humor keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing the humor and drama, allowing for moments of tension and reflection. The transitions between locations and characters are smooth and keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is confusing and difficult to follow. It begins with a series of rapid cuts between different locations and actions, making it difficult for the audience to understand what is happening.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable, and their conversations lack any real depth or emotion.
  • The scene lacks any real conflict or drama. The characters simply go through the motions, and there is no sense of urgency or suspense.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the audience with no sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear establishing shot that sets the location and time period. This will help the audience to orient themselves and understand what is happening.
  • Slow down the pace of the editing. Give the audience time to process what is happening in each shot, and to connect with the characters.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. The characters should speak in a way that is consistent with their personalities and motivations.
  • Add some conflict or drama to the scene. This could be anything from a physical fight to a heated argument.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. This could involve resolving the conflict, or simply leaving the audience with a sense of closure.



Scene 38 -  Veronica's Internal Struggle and J.D.'s Dangerous Visit
150 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 150

Uncurling from the fetal position that she had fallen asleep
in, VERONICA's tightly closed eyes snap open in a sweat as her
mother's voice continues to filter through the door. It's all
been a dream...........

MOM (O.S.)
Dinner! Veronica! Dinner!

VERONICA closes her eyes and holds her heart. She suddenly
launches to her desk, opens her diary, shoves on her
monocle, catches her breath, and begins writing.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Dear Diary, no one can stop J.D. Not
the F.B.I., the C.I.A., or the P.T.A.
That is to say, no one but me. I know
where J.D. is coming from and where
he is heading. He's wrong, but I'm going
to teach him what's right. I'm going
to stop J.D....If it's the last thing
I do.

VERONICA leans back in her chair, sweating. She reaches in the
pocket of a blazer draped over the back of the chair and pulls
out the cigarette J.D. had given her eariler in the film. She
puts it in her mouth unlit then takes it out and puts it back
in the blazer.

151 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOME -- NIGHT 151

J.D. remains laconically leaning against his motorcycle with
his legs suavely crossed as he was before Veronica began
dreaming. J.D. finishes his cigarette and pulls out a gun. He
checks the bullets, puts the gun back in his coat, and heads
toward the house.

152 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 152

VERONICA hugs J.F.K. the cat then rips down the hanging doll.

153 EXT. THE SAWYER FRONT YARD -- NIGHT 153

J.D. leans a ladder against the Sawyer house.

154 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE -- NIGHT 154

MOM sets down three plates of spaghetti. DAD watches on.

MOM
Does she want a written invitation?
(yelling upward)
Veronica! Dinner!

155 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 155

J.D. crawls through VERONICA's window. Hanging from the
rafter, neck in a noose of bedshoots, is VERONICA.

156 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE -- NIGHT 156

MOM sets a glass of milk at VERONICA's place, distressed.

MOM
Honey?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Veronica Sawyer has a tense and dramatic night as she wakes up from a dream about J.D., writes in her diary about stopping him, and hangs a doll in her room. J.D. arrives with a gun, entering her house through the window, and finds Veronica hanging from the rafters with a noose of bedsheets. This scene highlights Veronica's internal conflict between her loyalty to J.D. and her realization that he is wrong, and the growing sense of foreboding and danger as J.D.'s actions become more and more extreme.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and emotionally charged, with a high level of conflict and stakes. It effectively sets up the final confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around Veronica's determination to stop J.D. and prevent further tragedy. The use of the noose as a symbol adds depth and tension to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and drives the story forward towards the climax. The scene sets up the final confrontation between Veronica and J.D., leading to a resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'hero vs. villain' dynamic, with Veronica's internal struggle adding depth to the conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Veronica's internal conflict and J.D.'s menacing presence create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica undergoes a significant transformation as she confronts J.D. and takes a stand against his destructive actions. This pivotal moment marks a turning point for her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal in this scene is to stop J.D. and teach him what's right. This reflects her desire to take control of the situation and assert her own moral values.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to stop J.D. from carrying out his dangerous plans.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict between Veronica and J.D. reaches a peak in this scene, with high stakes and intense emotions driving the confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with J.D. posing a significant threat to Veronica and creating suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as Veronica faces a life-threatening situation and must confront J.D. to prevent further tragedy. The outcome of this confrontation will have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story towards its climax, setting up the final confrontation between Veronica and J.D. It advances the plot and raises the stakes for the resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating conflict between Veronica and J.D.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Veronica's sense of right and wrong and J.D.'s darker intentions. This challenges Veronica's beliefs and values, forcing her to confront the moral ambiguity of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and dread in the audience, as Veronica faces a life-threatening situation. The emotional intensity is palpable.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the escalating conflict between Veronica and J.D.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between Veronica and J.D., the mystery surrounding their motivations, and the high stakes of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of tension-building moments and character development that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't give the reader much time to understand what is happening.
  • The dialogue is not very natural and sounds forced.
  • The scene ends abruptly and leaves the reader feeling confused.
Suggestions
  • Expand the scene and give the reader more time to understand what is happening.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.
  • Add more detail to the setting and the characters.
  • Consider adding a conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending.



Scene 39 -  J.D. Reveals Bomb Plan and Veronica's Failed Suicide Attempt
157 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 157

J.D. paces the room, sweating and ranting, waving a gun in
one hand, the Barbieish doll in the other.
J.D.
I can't believe you did it. I was
teasing. I loved you. Sure, I climbed
up here to kill you, but first I was
going to try and get you back. With
amazing petition.

J.D. throws the gun on the bed and pulls from his coat the
computer printout sheet petition, then savagely rolls it out
on the floor. It is filled with signatures of different sizes,
styles, and colors. J.F.K. blinks.

J.D.
It's a shame you can't see what our
fellow students really signed.

J.D. flicks open a switchblade. He runs the blade beneath the
typed paragraph at the top causing it to peel off, reavealing
another typed paragraph.

J.D.
Listen. "We students of Westerburg
High will die. Today. Our burning
bodies will be the ultimate protest
to a society that degrades is. Fuck
you all." Not that subtle but neither's
blowing up the school. Talk about your
suicide pacts. When our school explodes
tomorrow, it's going to be the kind of
thing that infects a generation. A
Woodstock for the 80's. Damn, we
coulda toasted marshmallows together.

MOM (O.S.)
Honey, are you all right in there?

J.D. swiftly picks up the petition and heads out the window.
MOM enters the room and, seeing her hanging daughter, launches
into frantic screams.

MOM
Oh God, I knew it! No, no! I want my
baby back! I should have let you keep
that job at the mall. I was just afraid
of you coming home alone at night!

VERONICA opens her eyes.

MOM
I made your favorite! Spaghetti!
Lots of oregano!

VERONICA undos the noose around her neck but still remains
hanging for the rope runs all the way down her back beneath
her blazer and is tied around her waist. She undos the waist-
knot and lands on her bed. She quickly puts a small pillow over
the left-behind gun, unnoticed by her dazed MOM.
VERONICA
Hey Mom, why so tense?

158 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE AREA -- NIGHT 158

Montage music plays as VERONICA rears up from her dinner plate
to see her stonefaced PARENTS and her CAT staring at her.

159 INT. J.D.'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT 159

J.D. tools with a bomb at his desk. A KNOCK on the door. J.D.
turns down his stereo (and the Montage music).

BIG BUD DEAN (O.S.)
I need some help with my homework...

J.D.
Sorry tiger, I'm a little busy....

J.D. turns back up his stereo (and the Montage music).

160 EXT. FRONT OF WESTERBURG HIGH -- MORNING 160

The Montage music continues as school buses arrive in front of
the school. STUDENTS pour out.

161 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT -- MORNING 161

STUDENTS come out of their cars.

162 INT. HALLWAY -- MORNING 162

Typically hectic start-of-another-day-opening-and-slamming-of-
locker-action. VERONICA darts through the thoroughfare to her
locker.

A passing PAULINE FLEMING screeches to a halt, grabbing
VERONICA as she chokes on some styrofoam cup coffee.

PAULINE
Veronica! J.D. told me you
committed suicide last night!

VERONICA
Where is he? Where's J.D.?

PAULINE
We have to talk. I've got some
pamphlets in my office that will help
you decide if suicide is really for
you. Come on, let's go take a look.

VERONICA
Get a job.

VERONICA storms to her nearby locker. She swirls her locker
combination and opens it. She glances down the hall and
freezes.
In the distance, J.D. moves mechanically down the hallway
carrying a large gym bag, wearing a Walkman.

VERONICA climbs into her locker. She closes it until it is
barely perceptibly ajar. J.D. strides past the locker and into
the Boys bathroom.

163 INT. BOYS BATHROOM -- DAY 163

J.D smoothly moves into a stall and closes the door. He
turns off his Walkman and ends the Montage music.

164 INT. THE HALLWAY -- DAY 164

The hallway slowly clears as STUDENTS go to class. The bell
rings. A LATE STUDENT races through the empty hallway.

VERONICA carefully hatches out of her locker. She treads down
the hallway as if something were about to jump out at her.

165 INT. THE GYM -- DAY 165

A group of cheerleaders including HEATHER MCNAMARA are lazily
doing cartwheels on the gym floor. On a small stage set up
beside them, other STUDENTS are putting up folding chairs.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN says "Testing" into a microphone.

J.D., toting the gym bag, slips through the gym door. He moves
unnoticed to a position underneath the bleachers.

166 INT. THE HALLWAY -- DAY 166

VERONICA peers around a corner to see an empty hallway.

167 INT. GYM -- UNDER THE BLEACHERS -- DAY 167

Using heavy black masking tape, J.D. tapes a thermal bomb to a
steel support beneath the bleachers. Other thermal bombs can be
discerned taped to other supports.

168 INT. THE EMPTY HALLWAY -- DAY 168

VERONICA cautiously treads down the empty hallway, trying to
keep in control. Suddenly, packs of STUDENTS burst from
classroom doors behind VERONICA. The excited swarms of STUDENTS
move toward and past VERONICA, who has braked her troubled
treading to stiffly contemplate her passing peers. She latches
onto Geek RODNEY in a panic. RODNEY looks down at his clutched
arm with a nervous smile.

VERONICA
Rodney, where's everybody going?

RODNEY
It's Friday.....

VERONICA
Oh my God, another damn pep assembly....
RODNEY
Yeah, these things are pretty artificial,
but at least we all get out of class...

VERONICA ignores RODNEY's amiable attemots at conversation to
inquisitively move forward through the crowd.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary J.D. reveals his plan to blow up the school to a unresponsive Veronica, who is hanging in her room after a failed suicide attempt. Her mother enters the room and panics, but Veronica pretends everything is normal. J.D. continues building a bomb in his room while Veronica goes to school the next morning.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 10

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a major conflict with high stakes, showcasing the dark and intense tone of the story. The revelation of J.D.'s plan to blow up the school adds a sense of urgency and danger, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a student planning a school bombing and the confrontation between Veronica and J.D. is gripping and sets up a major turning point in the story. The use of weapons, suicide notes, and the impending threat of violence adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 10

The plot advances significantly in this scene as J.D. reveals his dangerous plan and Veronica is faced with a life-threatening situation. The tension and conflict escalate, setting the stage for a dramatic climax.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on teenage rebellion and societal protest, with unique character dynamics and unexpected plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Veronica and J.D. are well-developed in this scene, with J.D. showcasing his dark and manipulative nature, while Veronica is forced to confront the danger he poses. The interaction between the two characters drives the tension and conflict forward.

Character Changes: 8

Veronica experiences a significant shift in her perception of J.D. as she confronts the danger he poses, leading to a moment of realization and decision-making. J.D. reveals his true nature, deepening the conflict and setting up a major character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

J.D.'s internal goal is to seek revenge and create chaos as a form of protest against society. This reflects his deeper desire for recognition and power.

External Goal: 7

J.D.'s external goal is to carry out a bombing at the school to make a statement against societal degradation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with J.D. revealing his plan to blow up the school and Veronica being forced to confront the danger he poses. The tension between the characters and the impending threat of violence create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing obstacles and challenges that create tension and conflict. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as J.D. unveils his plan to commit a violent act that could have devastating consequences. Veronica is faced with a life-threatening situation, adding a sense of danger and urgency to the story.

Story Forward: 10

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. J.D.'s revelation of his plan to blow up the school creates a sense of urgency and sets the stage for the climax of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the characters' unpredictable actions. The element of surprise adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of rebellion and protest as a means of societal change. J.D.'s actions challenge traditional values and norms, leading to a clash between his beliefs and those of the society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, tension, and anxiety, as the characters face a life-threatening situation. The dark and intense atmosphere heightens the emotional impact, keeping the audience on edge.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, especially in J.D.'s chilling revelation of his plan and Veronica's attempts to navigate the dangerous situation. The dialogue effectively conveys the dark and intense tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, unpredictable plot developments, and high stakes. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in the characters' actions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the escalating conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and sets up the conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
  • The dialogue is not very natural and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The action is not very clear and could be improved by making it more specific.
  • The scene does not have a clear goal and could be improved by giving it a specific purpose.
  • The scene is not very engaging and could be improved by adding more conflict or suspense.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Make the dialogue more conversational by using contractions and avoiding formal language.
  • Make the action more specific by using concrete details and avoiding vague language.
  • Give the scene a specific goal by having the characters work towards a specific objective.
  • Add more conflict or suspense by creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.



Scene 40 -  J.D. and Veronica's Intense Confrontation: A Bomb's Countdown Begins
169 INT. THE GYM -- DAY 169

J.D. darts from out underneath the bleachers to the gym doors.
He pops the doors open and sees the crowd of STUDENTS move
toward the gym. He suavely pauses then dashes down a nearby set
of stairs.

170 INT. THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE GYM -- DAY 170

VERONICA continues to tensely surf the tidal wave of STUDENTS
heading for the gymnasium. She stops to watch her classmates
file into the gym like lemmings with increasing sense of dread.
She again latches onto a passing RODNEY.

VERONICA
Rodney, what's underneath the gym?

RODNEY (unconsciously) dramatically stops, turns to VERONICA.
and says........

RODNEY
The boiler room.

VERONICA blanches then lunges through the crowd. She topples a
couple disgruntled STUDENTS before careening down the staircase
beside the gym.

171 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BOILER ROOM -- DAY 171

J.D. walks by the firm glass windows of the boiler room, eyeing
the pounding generators inside. He stops at a heavy steel door.
Placing down his gym bag, J.D. proceeds to swiftly pick the
lock. He swings open the steel door.

VERONICA (O.S.)
May I see your hall pass?

J.D. weilds around. A sweating VERONICA moves toward him,
pointing the bedroom gun at him.

J.D.
I knew that loose was too noose! I
mean, noose too loose! Goddamn you!

VERONICA
Like father, like son. A serious-as-
fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll
set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
Okay, so let's start by slowly putting
the bomb down on the ground.
J.D. looks down at the gym bag already on the ground. He folds
his arms and smiles. VERONICA forcefully moves closer.

VERONICA
Okay, okay. I knew that. I knew that.
Put your hands on your head.

J.D.
You didn't say Simon Says.

J.D. suddenly kicks out into VERONICA's stomach, doubling her
over and causing her to drop the gun. J.D. gracefully retrieves
it.

172 INT. THE GYM -- DAY 172

The pep assembly is in full swing with rowdy STUDENTS in the
bleachers earthily shouting, giggling cheerleaders making
swaying pyramids, valiant band members struggling to be heard.
Various Jocks, stand on the stage with PRINCIPAL GOWAN as a
YEARBOOK PHOTOGRAPHER flashes away.

173 INT. THE HALLWAY BEFORE THE BOILER ROOM -- DAY 173

VERONICA bends over quivering and clutching her bruised ribs.
J.D. raises the gun to her head.

J.D.
Live by the sword...

VERONICA swings her left arm up knocking J.D.'s gun hand
upward. She then sails her right fist into his face. The blow
annoys him more than it hurts him but J.D.'s momentary loss of
composure allows VERONICA to come in with another much harder
right hook. The blow sends J.D. stumbling back against the
boiler room, jarring the gun loose.

They simultaneously lunge for the gun. VERONICA, having the
better grip, pulls so forecfully that after wrenching the gun
from J.D., she loses control of it, flinging it down the hall.
VERONICA pops up to retrieve it but J.D. moves his legs
scissors-style around her and trips her.

174 INT. GYM -- THE PREP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 174

The assembly mindlessly blares on. Cheerleader HEATHER MCNAMARA
rah-rah-rahs. RODNEY and the other Geeks pass around a pair of
opera glasses, all intensely scoping out the cheerleaders. A
group of STONERS toke away beneath the bleachers, one of them
lackadaisically leaning against a thermal bomb.

175 INT. THE BOILER ROOM HALLWAY -- DAY 175

A snarling J.D. stands up, pulling VERONICA with him.

J.D.
You think just because you started
this thing, you can end it?
J.D. violently kisses/bites VERONICA. While kissing, VERONICA
sees a fire alarm on a nearby wall. She closes her eyes then
savagely knees J.D. in the groin. VERONICA bolts to the alarm
and pulls it down. Nothing happens. J.D. gasps.

J.D.
You, really didn't think I'd, forget,
forgetm to disconnect the....

VERONICA rockets her body down and picks up the gun. J.D. grabs
her and throws her against the steel boiler room door.

A jostled VERONICA raises the gun. J.D. howls then bounds
toward VERONICA, causing them both to careen down the steel
steps of the boiler room. At the same time, he inadvertently
kicks the gym bag/bomb down along with them. The gun spins from
VERONICA's hand and slides away. The bomb flies out of the bag
onto the boiler room floor. A digital clock on the bomb clicks
on at 5:00....4:59....4:58...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary J.D., carrying a gym bag that possibly contains a bomb, is confronted by Veronica in a hallway leading to the boiler room and the gym. A struggle ensues, resulting in the gun being dropped and falling further away. J.D. kisses Veronica and knees her in the groin, causing the bomb to fall out of the gym bag and begin counting down. The scene ends with both falling down the boiler room stairs, leaving the bomb's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable physical struggle

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and action-packed, with high stakes and a sense of impending danger. The confrontation between Veronica and J.D. is gripping and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown in the boiler room with a bomb set to go off adds a sense of urgency and danger to the scene. The physical struggle between Veronica and J.D. raises the stakes and drives the tension.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the confrontation between Veronica and J.D. in the boiler room, with the threat of the bomb adding a layer of suspense. The action moves quickly and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation of a high school student trying to disarm a bomb, which adds a fresh and thrilling element to the familiar setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Veronica and J.D. are the central characters in the scene, and their conflict drives the action forward. Their dynamic and the power struggle between them add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Veronica and J.D. undergo changes during the scene as they confront each other in a life-or-death situation. Their actions and decisions in this critical moment have the potential to alter their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to stop the bomb from detonating and potentially harming her classmates. This reflects her deeper desire to protect others and take control of a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to physically disarm the bomb and prevent any harm from coming to the students in the gym. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Veronica and J.D. is intense and physical, with the threat of the bomb adding an additional layer of danger. The power struggle and the high stakes create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica and J.D. facing off in a physical and psychological battle for control. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes in the scene, including the threat of the bomb going off and the physical confrontation between Veronica and J.D., create a sense of urgency and danger. The characters' lives are on the line, raising the tension to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the conflict between Veronica and J.D. and setting the stage for the climax. The revelation of the bomb and the characters' actions move the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating conflict between Veronica and J.D. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of power and control. Veronica and J.D. are pitted against each other, each trying to assert dominance and outsmart the other. This challenges their beliefs about authority and agency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and tension in the audience as they witness the life-threatening confrontation between Veronica and J.D. The emotional intensity of the situation is palpable.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes situation. The verbal exchanges between Veronica and J.D. reveal their conflicting motivations and add to the drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and witty dialogue. The tension between the characters and the looming threat of the bomb keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and keeps the story moving forward at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, well-defined character actions, and a build-up of tension leading to a climax.


Critique
  • The exposition of the bomb could have been more subtle. Having J.D. take a moment to describe his plan to Veronica could be replaced with having him fumble with the bomb in his bag or glance at it nervously, allowing the audience to piece together his intentions without spoon-feeding them the information.
  • The dialogue between Veronica and J.D. is a bit too on-the-nose. Their banter could be more natural and less like they're reciting lines from a script.
  • The fight scene between Veronica and J.D. is a bit too over-the-top and unrealistic. It would be more believable if it were shorter and less like a Hollywood action sequence.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. The audience is left wondering what happens next, and there's no real sense of resolution.
Suggestions
  • Add more detail to the setting. Describe the boiler room and the surrounding area in more detail, so the audience can visualize the space where the scene takes place.
  • Give Veronica and J.D. more depth. Explore their motivations and backstories more, so the audience can understand why they're acting the way they are.
  • Increase the tension of the scene. Add more obstacles for Veronica and J.D. to overcome, and make the stakes higher.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Resolve the conflict between Veronica and J.D., and leave the audience with a sense of closure.



Scene 41 -  Veronica Disarms the Bomb and Shoots J.D.
176 INT. GYM -- THE PEP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 176

The frenzied pep assembly crowd is now doing "The Wave". BETTY
FINN and her similar co-horts deliriously get into the act, all
sit in a circle at the bottom rows of the bleachers, pouting as
STUDENTS bounce up and down around them. Jocks stand on the
stage grinning and preening before the crowd.

177 INT. THE BOILER ROOM -- DAY 177

VERONICA and J.D. are in a heap at the bottom of the boiler
room steps. VERONICA faintly works into a semi-sitting position
and gives an astonished glance to the bomb, its digital clock
clicking to 3:04. VERONICA crawls to the gun and levels it at a
rousing-up J.D.

VERONICA
The bomb's gone on, J.D.! How do
you turn it off? Tell me!

Fully standing, J.D. flicks open his switchblade. He gives
VERONICA "the finger," screaming in exploded saliva...

J.D.
Fuck you!

Seething, VERONICA shoots up at J.D. blowing off "the finger."
Shrieking in pain, J.D. drops the knife to hold this sudden
geyser of blood. VERONICA achingly stands, pointing the gun.
The bomb clicks down to 2:25.

VERONICA
It's all over, J.D. Help me to stop it.
J.D.
You want to wipe the slate clean as
much as I do. Okay, so maybe I am
killing everyone in the school
because nobody loves me. You have a
purpose though! Remember? Let's face
it, the only place different social
types can genuinely get along with
each other is in heaven.

VERONICA fires the gun at J.D.'s feet. The bomb clicks to 1:49.
She focuses her eyes on three red buttons on the bomb.

VERONICA
Which button do I press to turn it
off? Tell me!

J.D.
Try the red one, but seriously, people
are going to look at the ashes of
Westerburg and say there's a school
that self-destructed not because
society didn't care, but because
that school WAS society. Is that
deep or what? I'll let you put it in
your diary, babe. Free of charge.

VERONICA
Which red button, asshole?

J.D.
Press the middle one to turn it off.
If that's what you want babe.....

VERONICA picks up the bomb and puts it on a steel drum,
speaking with her back turned.

VERONICA
You know what I want, babe?

J.D.
(crouching)
What?

J.D. snatches up his switchblade and lunges toward VERONICA.
She springs away, causing him to bring the knife down past her
and onto the middle red button, stopping the clock on the bomb
at 00:17.

VERONICA
Cool guys like you out of my life.

VERONICA fires the gun twice into J.D.'s stomach. Coughing and
moaning, he splatters against a generator.

VERONICA
But don't worry, these here
were Ich Luge bullets.
J.D. closes his eyes and slumps to the ground. VERONICA wearily
regards the image of the knife stuck in the stopped bomb.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy","Thriller"]

Summary In the boiler room, Veronica confronts J.D. about turning off the bomb, but he refuses. The situation escalates into a physical confrontation where Veronica shoots J.D. in the finger and stomach with Ich Luge bullets. J.D. then lunges at Veronica with a knife, but she avoids it and the knife hits the middle red button, stopping the bomb. The scene ends with J.D. falling to the ground after being shot by Veronica.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Resolution of central conflict
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Dark themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 10

The scene is highly impactful, with intense conflict, emotional depth, and significant character development. It effectively concludes the main storyline and resolves the central conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a final confrontation between Veronica and J.D. in a life-or-death situation is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of revenge, redemption, and the consequences of one's actions.

Plot: 10

The plot is gripping and well-paced, with high tension and a clear resolution. The scene moves the story forward significantly and resolves key conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of teenage drama, dark comedy, and social commentary. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall tension and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 10

The characters of Veronica and J.D. are well-developed and undergo significant changes in the scene. Their motivations, conflicts, and emotional arcs are compelling and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 10

Both Veronica and J.D. undergo significant changes in the scene, confronting their past actions and making pivotal decisions that shape their futures.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to stop the bomb and prevent further harm, reflecting her desire for control and redemption.

External Goal: 7

Veronica's external goal is to physically stop JD from causing harm and to save herself and others from the bomb explosion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and moral struggles. The high stakes and dramatic tension drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Veronica and JD facing off in a life-or-death situation. The audience is unsure of who will come out on top, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the threat of a bomb explosion and the characters' lives on the line. The outcome of the confrontation will have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts and setting the stage for the climax. It propels the narrative towards its conclusion.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the high level of tension. The audience is unsure of the outcome until the last moment.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing views on society and self-destruction. JD believes in the idea of self-destruction as a commentary on society, while Veronica seeks to prevent harm and find a different path.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions, including fear, tension, and catharsis. The characters' struggles and choices resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It effectively conveys the high stakes and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats wondering how the situation will resolve.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a gradual buildup of tension, a fast-paced action sequence, and a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of action, and a resolution. The transitions between locations are smooth and contribute to the pacing.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with clear action and dialogue, but there are some areas that could be improved for better pacing and character development.
  • The pep assembly scene feels disconnected from the main action of the story and could be shortened or removed entirely to keep the focus on Veronica and J.D.
  • The boiler room scene is tense and action-packed, but the dialogue between Veronica and J.D. could be more impactful. Consider adding more emotional depth to their conversation to heighten the stakes.
  • The use of the Ich Luge bullets is an interesting plot point, but it's not fully explained. Consider adding more context or backstory to make this moment more impactful.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader wanting more resolution. Consider adding a few more lines to wrap up the scene and provide a sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the pep assembly scene or shortening it to keep the focus on Veronica and J.D.
  • Add more emotional depth to the dialogue between Veronica and J.D. to heighten the stakes and make their conflict more impactful.
  • Explain the Ich Luge bullets more fully to make their use in the scene more impactful and memorable.
  • Add a few more lines at the end of the scene to provide a sense of closure and resolution.
  • Consider adding more visual details to the scene to make it more immersive and engaging for the reader.



Scene 42 -  Veronica and J.D.: A Showdown of Power
178 INT. GYM -- THE PEP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 178

A cheerleader does a cartwheel in slow motion as eerie music
plays. The manic crowd in the bleachers vibrates in slow motion
as well. At normal speed, a smiling VERONICA walks to the doors
of the gym and peers in.

The panorama of roaring students, posing jocks, and prancing
cheerleaders continues to unfold in slow motion. VERONICA walks
away......

179 EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL -- DAY 179

VERONICA wearily pushes open the front door and emerges outside
of the school. She closes her eyes to therapeutically bask in
the sun's rays. A slight smile trembles onto her face. A
strange voice kills it.

J.D. (O.S.)
Color me impressed.

J.D. stansd starkly in the distance before her, blood spurting
from his mouth onto his gunslinger coat.

J.D.
You really fucked me up, Veronica.

VERONICA
I thought I...you..I...

J.D.
You've got power, Veronica. Power I
didn't think you had. The slate is clean.

J.D. pulls open his coat revealing that the bomb is attached to
his torso. The green light is on and the clock says
00:10..00:09.

J.D.
Pretend I did blow up the school. All
the schools. Now that you're dead,
what are you gonna do with your life?

VERONICA takes the unlit cigrette from her blazer pocket and
puts it in her mouth. She then folsd her arms.

VERONICA
Perfecto.

J.D. raises his arms in a crucifixion pose as the bomb clicks
to 0:00. Nothing happens. An annoyed J.D. breaks out of his
crucifixion stance and raps the bomb with his palm.
180 INT. GYM -- THE PEP ASSEMBLY -- DAY 180

The sound of the bomb explosion plunges the cheering up-and-down
pep assembly into chaos. Wailing students pour out of the bleachers
screaming less out of fear than a "Whoa Dude" sense of excitement.

181 EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL -- DAY 181

VERONICA stands in the same position in front of the school
with her arms still folded. Only now her cigarette is lit and
her face and clothes are blackened in ash. Flames flicker in
bushes behind her. VERONICA drags on the cigarette and turns
to go inside.

182 INT. THE FRONT HALLWAY -- DAY 182

VERONICA strolls into the school and into a hallway of howling
students, some of whom are tearing down Prom banners for the
thrill of it. HEATHER DUKE rushes up to VERONICA and grimaces.

HEATHER DUKE
Veronica, you look like hell.

VERONICA
Yeah, I just got back.

VERONICA tosses away the cigarette. She then grabs HEATHER DUKE
by the shoulders and forcibly turns her around.

HEATHER DUKE
What are you doing?

VERONICA
Heather, my love, there's a
new sheriff in town.

VERONICA takes off HEATHER DUKE's red ribbon and ties it around
the hair of her own head. She kisses HEATHER DUKE on the cheek,
leaving a black stain. VERONICA calls off.

VERONICA
Hey, Martha, wait up.

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK revealed to be in a wheelchair,
brakes to a stop and looks to Veronica, confused. VERONICA
walks up beside her. MARTHA starts up her wheelchair and
accompanies VERONICA away into a deserted hallway.

VERONICA
My date for the prom kind of flaked
out on me, so I thought if you
weren't doing anything that night
we could go to the video store and
rent some new releases or something.
Maybe pop some popcorn.

MARTHA
I'd like that.
VERONICA
So would I.

VERONICA and MARTHA continue gliding Bogart/Rains style.




THE END
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Veronica, asserting her power, remains calm as J.D. attempts to detonate a bomb attached to him during a pep assembly. The bomb fails to explode, leaving Veronica covered in ash and in control. This scene takes place outside and then inside the school, and the main conflict lies between Veronica and J.D. The tone is tense and dramatic, with key pieces of dialogue including J.D.'s comments about power and Veronica's response of 'Perfecto.' The scene ends with Veronica re-entering the school, having taken control of the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of dark comedy and drama
  • Compelling character development
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of surrealism may be confusing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends dark comedy with dramatic elements, creating a compelling and memorable conclusion to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power dynamics, transformation, and resilience is well-executed, providing a satisfying resolution to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with tension and unpredictability, culminating in a climactic moment that resolves key conflicts and sets the stage for a new beginning.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its approach to high school dynamics, power struggles, and the consequences of one's actions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth and resilience in the face of adversity, with Veronica taking charge and initiating positive change.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, particularly Veronica, who takes on a new role of leadership and empowerment.

Internal Goal: 8

Veronica's internal goal is to assert her power and control over her own life, as seen through her interactions with J.D. and the other students. She wants to break free from the constraints of her high school environment and make her own choices.

External Goal: 9

Veronica's external goal is to defuse the bomb threat and prevent any harm from coming to the students in the school. She also aims to assert her authority and establish a new order in the school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative forward and lead to significant character development.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with J.D. challenging Veronica's beliefs and values, creating a sense of conflict and tension. The audience is unsure of how Veronica will respond to the threat.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of life and death, power struggles, and personal transformation add urgency and tension to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving key conflicts, introducing new dynamics, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the bomb threat and Veronica's surprising actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power, control, and the consequences of one's actions. J.D. challenges Veronica's beliefs and values, forcing her to confront the power she holds and the choices she makes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and uncertainty to hope and resilience, leaving a lasting impression on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective of the characters' personalities, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and unpredictable events. The audience is drawn into the tension and conflict, eager to see how the situation unfolds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the bomb threat. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene does not resolve the conflict between Veronica and J.D.
  • Veronica's actions and motivations are unclear. Why does she suddenly want to go to the prom with Martha?
  • The dialogue is awkward and unnatural.
  • The scene is too long and repetitive.
  • The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.
Suggestions
  • Resolve the conflict between Veronica and J.D. by having them have a final confrontation.
  • Give Veronica a clear motivation for wanting to go to the prom with Martha.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Shorten the scene and cut out any unnecessary dialogue.
  • Rewrite the ending to make it more satisfying.