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Scene 1 -  Preparations for a Raid on Mozarella's Funeral Parlor
EXT. INTERSECTION OF STREETS - NIGHT

Traffic is light. All the shops are dark except one -- a
dimly lit establishment, from which drift the mournful strains
of an organ. A circumspect sign reads:

MOZARELLA'S FUNERAL PARLOR

24 Hour Service

In the window, a sample coffin is on display.

There seem to be some rites going on inside, because a number
of mourners, singly and in couples, are hurrying from the
cold, windy street into Mozarella's parlor.

Meanwhile, the hearse with the damp coffin draws up to the
delivery entrance at the side of the building. The driver
honks the horn -- one long and two short -- as the other men
step down and start to slide the coffin out. The side door
opens, and a dapper gent emerges. He wears a tight-fitting
black suit, a black fedora, and gray spats. The spats are
very important. He always wears spats. His name is SPATS
COLOMBO. He cases the street, motions the men inside. As
they carry the coffin past him, he removes his fedora, holds
it reverently over his heart. Then he follows the men in,
his head bowed.

Across the street and around the corner, three police cars
draw up silently, and about fifteen uniformed policemen and
plain-clothes men spill out. A Captain gives whispered orders,
and the men scatter and discreetly take up positions around
the funeral parlor.

Out of one of the cars steps MULLIGAN, a tough Federal Agent --
in plain clothes, of course. With him is a little weasel of
a man, shivering with cold and fear. They call him TOOTHPICK
CHARLIE for two reasons -- because his name is Charlie, and
because he has never been seen without a toothpick in his
mouth.
MULLIGAN
(indicating funeral
parlor)
All right, Charlie -- this the joint?

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
Yes, sir.

MULLIGAN
And who runs it?

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
I already told you.

MULLIGAN
Refresh my memory.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
(uneasily)
Spats Colombo.

MULLIGAN
That's very refreshing. Now what's
the password?

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
I come to Grandma's funeral.
(he hands him a folded
piece of black crepe)
Here's your admission card.

MULLIGAN
Thanks, Charlie.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
If you want a ringside table, tell
'em you're one of the pall bearers.

MULLIGAN
Okay, Charlie.

The police captain joins Mulligan.

CAPTAIN
We're all set. When is the kickoff?

As Mulligan consults his watch, Charlie, the toothpick working
nervously in his mouth, tugs Mulligan's sleeve.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
Look, Chief -- I better blow now,
because if Spats Colombo sees me,
it's Goodbye Charlie.

MULLIGAN
Goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie scoots up the dark street, disappears.

MULLIGAN
(to the police captain)
Give me five minutes -- then hit 'em
with everything you got.

CAPTAIN
You bet!

They synchronize their watches. Then Mulligan crosses to
Mozarella's parlor, unfolding the black crepe Charlie gave
him. It is a mourning band, and he slips it over the left
sleeve of his overcoat.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy"]

Summary The scene takes place outside Mozarella's Funeral Parlor at night, where a group of mourners are entering the parlor and a hearse has just arrived with a damp coffin. Spats Colombo, the owner of the funeral parlor, is seen in a black suit, black fedora, and gray spats. Toothpick Charlie, a weasel-like man, confirms Spats' identity to Federal Agent Mulligan. Mulligan and a police captain synchronize their watches and plan to raid the funeral parlor in five minutes, taking up positions around the building. The scene is tense and suspenseful, with the police officers and plain-clothes men preparing for a confrontation. The scene ends with Mulligan crossing to the funeral parlor, unfolding a black crepe mourning band, and slipping it over his overcoat.
Strengths
  • Strong character introductions
  • Effective setting establishment
  • Building tension and anticipation
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the premise of the story with a mix of dark humor and suspense, introducing key characters and establishing a sense of impending conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a funeral parlor as a cover for criminal activities is intriguing and sets the stage for an unconventional crime story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the police prepare to raid the funeral parlor, adding tension and anticipation to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, blending elements of crime and mystery with a darkly humorous tone. The characters' interactions and the unfolding events feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Spats Colombo standing out as a memorable and mysterious figure, and Mulligan portrayed as a tough and determined federal agent.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character development or change in this scene, as the focus is more on setting up the plot and conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to gather information and potentially apprehend Spats Colombo, the person running the funeral parlor. This reflects Mulligan's desire to solve the case and uphold the law.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to infiltrate the funeral parlor and gather evidence against Spats Colombo. This reflects the immediate challenge of conducting a covert operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is subtly introduced through the undercover operation and the impending raid, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mulligan facing obstacles and challenges in his mission to gather evidence against Spats Colombo. The tension between law enforcement and criminal activity adds complexity to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the undercover operation and the impending raid, adding a sense of danger and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements and setting up the conflict that will drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the looming threat of Spats Colombo's discovery. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between law enforcement and criminal activity. Mulligan's adherence to justice contrasts with Spats Colombo's criminal operations, challenging the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there is a sense of tension and anticipation, the emotional impact is not the primary focus of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to build the atmosphere of the scene, with a mix of tension and dark humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intriguing premise, well-developed characters, and escalating tension. The reader is drawn into the mystery and eager to see how the conflict unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of suspense and a sense of urgency as the investigation unfolds. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-crafted and advances the plot.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and sets up the conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and there is a lot of unnecessary dialogue.
  • The scene is not very clear. It is not clear what is happening or why the characters are doing what they are doing.
  • The characters are not very well-developed. They are one-dimensional and they do not have any depth.
  • The scene is not very engaging. It is slow-paced and it does not have any suspense or excitement.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the scene and cut out any unnecessary dialogue.
  • Make the scene more clear by providing more information about what is happening and why the characters are doing what they are doing.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and complexity.
  • Make the scene more engaging by adding suspense or excitement.



Scene 2 -  Mulligan's Undercover Mission at His Mother's Funeral-Turned-Speakeasy
INT. MOZARELLA'S FUNERAL PARLOR - NIGHT

It looks legitimate enough -- with potted palms, urns and
funeral statuary. A harmless gray-haired man is playing the
organ with appropriate feeling. Daintily arranging a funeral
spray is the proprietor himself, MR. MOZARELLA.

His heavyweight build, bashed-in nose and cauliflower ears
don't quite jibe with his mourning coat, striped pants, ascot
and carnation. Dusting one of the marble angels is another
funeral director, in the same somber uniform.

Mulligan enters.

MOZARELLA
(with grave sympathy)
Good evening, sir.

MULLIGAN
I come to the old lady's funeral.

MOZARELLA
(looking him over)
I don't believe I've seen you at any
of our services before.

MULLIGAN
That's because I've been on the wagon.

MOZARELLA
PLEASE!

MULLIGAN
(looking around)
Where are they holding the wake? I'm
supposed to be one of the pallbearers.

MOZARELLA
(to funeral director)
Show the gentleman to the chapel --
pew number three.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
This way, sir.

He leads Mulligan past the organ toward the black-paneled
wall, where there is no evidence of a door.

The organist, without missing a note in his playing, reaches
over to the end of the keyboard and pulls out a stop. One of
the panels slides open, and there is a blast of MUSIC from
the chapel. It's jazz -- and it's SWEET GEORGIA BROWN.
Mulligan rears back momentarily, then follows the funeral
director in. The organist pushes the stop in again, and the
panel slides shut.

INT. SPEAKEASY - NIGHT

Grandma must have been quite a person, because she left a
lot of condoling friends behind, and they are holding a very
lively wake. The chapel is jumping. A small band is blaring
out SWEET GEORGIA BROWN. The musicians are not the slick,
well-fed instrumentalists you would find in Guy Lombardo's
band -- they have all been through the wringer, and so have
their threadbare tuxedos. On the stamp-sized dance floor,
six girls in abbreviated costumes are doing a frenetic
Charleston. Crowded around the small tables, mourners in
black arm-bands are drowning their sorrows in whatever they
drink out of their coffee cups.

MULLIGAN
(looking around)
Well, if you gotta go -- this is the
way to do it.

The funeral director leads Mulligan to a table next to the
bandstand. As he moves off, a waiter comes up.

WAITER
What'll it be, sir?

MULLIGAN
Booze.

WAITER
Sorry, sir, we only serve coffee.

MULLIGAN
Coffee?

WAITER
Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee, sour-
mash coffee...

MULLIGAN
Make is Scotch. A demitasse. With a
little soda on the side.
As the waiter starts away, Mulligan stops him.

MULLIGAN
Haven't you got another pew -- not
so close to the band?
(points to a better
table)
How about that one?

WAITER
Sorry, sir. That's reserved for
members of the immediate family.

He winks, goes off. Mulligan scans the room.

From a side door comes Spats Colombo, followed by the four
hearsemen. They walk cockily toward the table 'reserved for
the immediate family.' A DRUNK, standing with a cup of booze
in his hand, is in their way. Colombo pushes him aside, and
the contents of the cup slop over. Colombo freezes in his
tracks, glances at his feet. The other four men have also
stopped, and stare in the same direction, horrified.

Spats Colombo's immaculate spats are no longer immaculate.
There is a whiskey stain on one of them.

Colombo throws his henchmen a sharp look. They grab the
offending drunk, hustle him toward the exit.

DRUNK
(waving empty cup)
Hey -- I want another cup of coffee.
I want another cup of coffee.

Colombo proceeds toward the table, seats himself, crosses
his legs, takes a handkerchief out of his breast pocket, and
meticulously mops the moist spat. His four companions, their
mission accomplished, join him at the table.

Mulligan, who has been studying Colombo, consults his wrist-
watch. The waiter comes up with his order -- a demitasse
half full of Scotch, and a split of club soda.

MULLIGAN
Better bring the check now -- in
case the joint gets raided.

WAITER
Who's going to raid a funeral?

MULLIGAN
Some people got no respect for the
dead.
The waiter moves off. Mulligan sips from the cup, winces,
takes a cigar out of his pocket and starts to light it. His
eyes wander to the chorus girls.

The girls have gone into a tap-dance. The captain of the
chorus looks toward the bandstand, grins and winks at --

JOE, the saxophone player. He winks back. JERRY, who is
thumping the bass-fiddle behind him, leans forward and taps
Joe on the shoulder.

JERRY
Say, Joe -- tonight's the night,
isn't it?

JOE
(eye on tap-dancer)
I'll say.

JERRY
I mean, we get paid tonight, don't
we?

JOE
Yeah. Why?

He takes the mouthpiece out of his saxophone, wets the reed.

JERRY
Because I lost a filling in my back
tooth. I gotta go to the dentist
tomorrow.

JOE
Dentist? We been out of work for
four months -- and you want to blow
your first week's pay on your teeth?

JERRY
It's just a little inlay -- it doesn't
even have to be gold --

JOE
How can you be so selfish? We owe
back rent -- we're in for eighty-
nine bucks to Moe's Delicatessen --
we're being sued by three Chinese
lawyers because our check bounced at
the laundry -- we've borrowed money
from every girl in the line --

JERRY
You're right, Joe.

JOE
Of course I am.
JERRY
First thing tomorrow we're going to
pay everybody a little something on
account.

JOE
No, we're not.

JERRY
We're not?

JOE
First thing tomorrow we're going out
to the dog track and put the whole
bundle on Greased Lightning.

JERRY
You're going to bet my money on a
dog?

JOE
He's a shoo-in. I got the word from
Max the waiter -- his brother-in-law
is the electrician who wires the
rabbit --

JERRY
What are you giving me with the
rabbit?

JOE
(pulling form sheet
out of pocket)
Look at those odds -- ten to one. If
he wins, we can pay everybody.

JERRY
But suppose he loses?

JOE
What are you worried about? This job
is going to last a long time.

JERRY
But suppose it doesn't?

JOE
Jerry-boy -- why do you have to paint
everything so black? Suppose you get
hit by a truck? Suppose the stock
market crashes?

Jerry, slapping the bass, is no longer listening. His eyes
have strayed to --
Mulligan, sitting at his table, puffing on the cigar. It
isn't drawing too well. Mulligan reaches under his coat,
unpins his Department of Justice badge from his vest. Using
the pin of the shining badge, he pokes a hole in the wet end
of the cigar.

Jerry has stopped playing, and is watching Mulligan's
operation with morbid fascination. Joe, completely unaware,
continues talking.

JOE
Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas
Fairbanks?

JERRY
(nudging him)
Hey, Joe!

JOE
(paying no attention)
Suppose Lake Michigan overflows?

JERRY
Don't look now -- but the whole town
is under water!

He nods toward Mulligan. Joe looks off. Then, without a word,
they both start packing their instruments.

Mulligan pins the badge back on, checks his wrist-watch.

MULLIGAN
(to himself)
...four, three, two, one...

He glances toward --

the door from the funeral parlor. Right on the dot, a pair
of police axes smash through the door.

Instant pandemonium breaks loose in the speakeasy. MUSIC
stops, women scream, customers, chorus girls and waiter
scramble toward the side doors. But they too are splintering
under the assault of the police axes. The crowd falls back,
milling around frantically.

Mulligan stands up, cups his hands to his mouth, and roars
at the top of his voice.

MULLIGAN
All right, everybody -- this is a
raid. I'm a federal agent, and you're
all under arrest.

Policemen come streaming through the splintered doors.
Carried in on the tide is the Drunk who was just tossed out,
reeling unsteadily, and waving his empty coffee cup aloft.

DRUNK
I want another cup of coffee.

The policemen start rounding up the customers and employees,
are herding them toward the exits.

On the bandstand, Joe and Jerry have packed their instruments,
and start to fight their way through the melee, toward some
stairs leading up.

Mulligan, a couple of policemen in tow, comes up to Spats
and his henchmen, sitting calmly at their table, with five
glasses of white liquid in front of them.

MULLIGAN
Okay, Spats -- the services are over.
Lets go.

SPATS
Go where?

MULLIGAN
A little country club we run for
retired bootleggers. I'm gonna put
your name up for membership.

SPATS
I never join nothin'.

MULLIGAN
You'll like it there. I'll have the
prison tailor fit you with a pair of
special spats -- striped!

SPATS
(to his companions,
dead-pan)
Big joke.
(to Mulligan)
Who's the rap this time?

MULLIGAN
Embalming people with coffee -- eighty-
six proof.

SPATS
Me? I'm just a customer here.

MULLIGAN
Come on, Spats -- we know you own
this joint. Mozarella is just fronting
for you.
SPATS
Mozarella? Never heard of him.

MULLIGAN
We got different information.

SPATS
From who? Toothpick Charlie, maybe?

MULLIGAN
Toothpick Charlie? Never heard of
him.

He picks up Spats' glass, sniffs it suspiciously.

SECOND HENCHMAN
Buttermilk!

MULLIGAN
All right -- on your feet.

SPATS
(getting up slowly)
You're wasting the taxpayers' money.

MULLIGAN
If you want to, you can call your
lawyer.

SPATS
(pointing to his four
hoods)
These are my lawyers -- all Harvard
men.

Mulligan and the two policemen lead Spats and his Harvard
men out.
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Mulligan, a federal agent, arrives at Mozarella's funeral parlor for his mother's funeral, which is actually a speakeasy. Amidst the lively music, dancing, and drinking, Mulligan orders a 'Scotch coffee' and waits for the right moment to make his move. The main conflict lies between Mulligan and Spats Colombo, a gangster, who is at the 'immediate family' table. The tone is upbeat and festive, with witty and sharp dialogue adding to the entertainment. The scene ends with Mulligan waiting for the right moment to take action.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Colorful characters
  • Engaging plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with humor, tension, and unexpected turns. The dialogue is sharp, and the characters are well-defined.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a funeral parlor being a front for a speakeasy is intriguing and sets up a unique backdrop for the unfolding events.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the raid adding a layer of conflict and excitement to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the Prohibition era setting by combining elements of a funeral parlor with a speakeasy, creating a unique and unexpected backdrop for the action. The characters' interactions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are colorful, with distinct personalities that shine through in their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle shifts in character dynamics, especially between the federal agent and the criminals, as the tension escalates during the raid.

Internal Goal: 8

Mulligan's internal goal is to maintain his cover as a federal agent while investigating the illegal activities at the speakeasy. This reflects his deeper desire to uphold the law and bring criminals to justice.

External Goal: 7

Mulligan's external goal is to arrest Spats and his henchmen for their involvement in illegal activities at the speakeasy. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in enforcing the law and maintaining order.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the federal agent and the criminals, as well as the impending raid, creates tension and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the interactions between characters. The uncertainty of the outcome and the presence of formidable adversaries create tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the federal agent aims to apprehend the criminals in the act of illegal activity, leading to potential consequences for both sides.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict, escalating tension, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its unexpected twists and turns, such as the reveal of the speakeasy hidden within the funeral parlor and the sudden police raid. The element of surprise adds excitement and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between law enforcement and criminal activities. Mulligan's adherence to the law conflicts with Spats and his henchmen's disregard for it, highlighting different value systems and moral perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there are moments of humor and tension, the scene focuses more on the comedic and suspenseful elements rather than deep emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, sharp, and drives the scene forward while revealing character traits and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and action. The dynamic interactions between characters, unexpected plot twists, and fast-paced dialogue keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains momentum and builds tension. The rhythmic flow of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The visual cues and transitions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively transitions between different locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness and engagement.


Critique
  • Consider introducing the characters in a more engaging way, perhaps through their dialogue or actions, to quickly establish their personalities and motivations.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension that drives the action forward. Provide a specific goal or obstacle for the characters to grapple with, raising the stakes and making the scene more compelling.
  • The dialogue doesn't effectively reveal the characters' personalities or advance the plot. Focus on creating natural and meaningful conversations that convey their motivations and relationships.
  • Avoid using too much exposition or background information in the dialogue. Instead, weave these details into the story through actions, interactions, and the environment.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene. Provide a stronger ending that leaves the reader satisfied or eager for what comes next.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a brief but impactful exchange between Joe and Jerry, hinting at their financial struggles or desperation.
  • Introduce a conflict by having Joe and Jerry overhear a conversation about a raid on the speakeasy, forcing them to make a quick decision.
  • Include dialogue that establishes Joe's unwavering optimism and Jerry's more cautious nature, showcasing their contrasting personalities.
  • Incorporate details into the setting and dialogue that reflect the speakeasy's atmosphere, such as the muffled music, dim lighting, or the scent of alcohol.
  • End the scene with a cliffhanger or a twist that leaves the reader intrigued, such as Joe and Jerry being confronted by Mulligan or Spats Colombo's men.



Scene 3 -  Escape from the Speakeasy
EXT. FUNERAL PARLOR - NIGHT

Policemen, under the supervision of the captain, are herding
customers into a paddy-wagon. Fighting his way out of the
wagon is our Drunk, waving his coffee cup in the air.

DRUNK
I want another cup of coffee.

He staggers into the alley, toward the side entrance of the
speakeasy, CAMERA MOVING with him. Through the smashed-up
side door, policemen are ushering more customers, waiters,
musicians and the dancing girls.
CAMERA MOVES UP TOWARD a fire escape on the second floor.
Joe and Jerry, carrying their instruments and overcoats,
have just climbed through a window onto the fire escape, and
are inspecting the scene below. The shot-up hearse is parked
directly beneath them. Stealthily they climb down the ladder,
drop to the roof of the hearse. Then they scramble over the
radiator, steal down the alley away from the street. They
stop in the shadows to put on their coats.

JERRY
Well, that solves one problem. We
don't have to worry about who to pay
first.

JOE
Quiet -- I'm thinking.

JERRY
Of course, the landlady is going to
lock us out. Moe said no more
knackwurst on credit -- and we can't
borrow any more from the girls,
because they're on their way to jail --

JOE
Shut up, will you? I wonder how much
Sam the Bookie will give up for our
overcoats?

JERRY
Sam the Bookie? Nothing doing! You're
not putting my overcoat on that dog!

JOE
I told you -- it's a sure thing.

JERRY
But we'll freeze -- it's below zero --
we'll catch pneumonia.

JOE
Look, stupid, he's ten to one.
Tomorrow, we'll have twenty overcoats!

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy"]

Summary In a chaotic and tense scene outside a funeral parlor and speakeasy, policemen round up customers while Joe and Jerry, two musicians, sneak out and steal a hearse to escape. The musicians discuss their financial troubles and consider selling their overcoats to a bookie. A drunk man resists arrest, adding to the chaos. The scene ends with Joe and Jerry hiding in the shadows, discussing their plan.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Clever plotting
  • Humorous interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, suspense, and clever plotting to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a speakeasy hidden within a funeral parlor adds intrigue and sets the stage for a unique and entertaining story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Joe and Jerry come up with a plan to escape the police raid, adding tension and humor to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to the Prohibition era setting, blending elements of crime, comedy, and drama in a unique way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to the time period, adding to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Joe and Jerry, are well-developed and their interactions add depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on the plot and humor.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a solution to their financial problems and avoid getting caught by the police. This reflects their deeper need for survival and their fear of losing everything they have.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the police and find a way to make money to pay off their debts. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being caught in a police raid and facing financial ruin.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as the characters try to evade the police raid and come up with a plan to escape.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that add complexity to their situation. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles, creating suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as the characters risk getting caught by the police during the raid.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict with the police raid and setting up Joe and Jerry's escape plan.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and decisions, adding a sense of tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' desire for survival and their moral compass. They are willing to engage in risky behavior to make money, but also express concern for their well-being and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene is more focused on humor and suspense than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and comedic moments that keep the audience entertained and invested in the characters' predicament.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and humor.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The dialogue between Joe and Jerry is a bit repetitive and could be streamlined.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot and could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene lacks conflict and tension, which could be added to make it more engaging.
  • The characters of Joe and Jerry are not particularly well-developed and could be fleshed out more.
Suggestions
  • Trim down the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Streamline the dialogue between Joe and Jerry to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Add conflict and tension to the scene, such as having Joe and Jerry be chased by the police or having them argue over money.
  • Develop the characters of Joe and Jerry by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't advance the plot or add anything important to the story.



Scene 4 -  Musicians' Futile Job Hunt in Chicago
EXT. CHICAGO STREET - DAY

The street is covered with snow. Joe and Jerry, without
overcoats, the collars of their tuxedos turned up against
the bitter cold, come down the steps of the elevated, carrying
their instruments. The only thing that keeps Jerry from
freezing is that he is boiling over inside. As they proceed
along the sidewalk, Jerry finally can't hold it any more.
JERRY
Greased Lightning! Why do I listen
to you? I ought to have my head
examined!

JOE
I thought you weren't talking to me.

JERRY
Look at the bull fiddle -- it's
dressed warmer than I am.

They come up to a building in front of which are gathered
several small groups of shivering musicians, also equipped
with instruments. Joe and Jerry exchange frozen waves with
their colleagues, start through the entrance.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CORRIDOR OF MUSIC BUILDING - DAY

Joe moves down the corridor, Jerry tagging along grimly beside
him. Other job-seeking musicians mill around, and a melange
of musical sounds and singing voices issues from the various
offices, studios and rehearsal halls.

Joe and Jerry come up to a door marked: KEYNOTE MUSICAL AGENCY --
BANDS, SOLOISTS, SINGERS. Joe opens the door, revealing a
crummy office, with a secretary behind a desk.

JOE
Anything today?

FIRST SECRETARY
Nothing.

JOE
Thank you.

Joe shuts the door, and they shuffle along to the next agency,
which is marked: JULES STEIN -- MUSIC CORPORATION OF AMERICA.
Joe opens the door. This is like the other office -- except
a little crummier. There is a secretary behind the desk.

JOE
Anything today?

SECOND SECRETARY
Nothing.

JOE
Thank you.
He opens the door to the next agency. On the door it says:
SIG POLIAKOFF -- BANDS FOR ALL OCCASIONS. There is the usual
secretary behind the usual desk, and her name is NELLIE. She
is a brunette, somewhat past her prime, but still attractive.

JOE
Anything today?

NELLIE
(looking up)
Oh, it's you! You got a lot of nerve --

JOE
Thank you.

He shuts the door quickly, starts to move on.

NELLIE'S VOICE
(from inside)
Joe -- come back here!

Joe stops in his tracks. With a resigned shrug to Jerry, he
opens the door again, and the two of them start in.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary Joe and Jerry, two musicians in tuxedos, scour Chicago agencies for work on a snowy day. Amidst other job-seeking musicians and secretaries, they face rejection, until Nellie, an attractive brunette at Sig Poliaff agency, recognizes Joe. The scene ends with them entering the agency after Nellie's call.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the comedic tone and establishes the main characters' motivations and challenges.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of struggling musicians trying to find work is relatable and engaging. The scene effectively introduces the world of the music industry.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Joe and Jerry's quest to find work, which drives the scene forward and sets up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'struggling musician' trope by infusing it with humor and irony. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and each has a distinct personality that adds to the comedic and light-hearted tone of the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up potential growth for Joe and Jerry as they face challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to express his frustration and anger at their situation. This reflects his deeper fear of failure and his desire to succeed in the music industry.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find work as musicians. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in terms of financial stability and career advancement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is mainly internal, as the characters struggle with their own frustrations and hopes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and setbacks in their quest for work.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the characters' personal struggles and aspirations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the main characters' goals and challenges, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the outcome of their job search.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of perseverance in the face of rejection. The characters' beliefs in their own talent and determination are challenged by the harsh reality of the music industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from frustration to hopefulness, engaging the audience in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and humorous, capturing the frustrations and hopes of the characters as they navigate the music industry.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable characters, and the sense of tension and conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up the conflict and advancing the plot.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue. For example, the conversation between Joe and Jerry about selling their overcoats could be cut without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene lacks conflict. Joe and Jerry are simply walking around looking for work, and there is no real obstacle in their way. This makes the scene feel flat and boring.
  • The dialogue is not very interesting. The characters mostly just talk about their financial troubles, and there is no real wit or humor to their conversation.
  • The characters are not very well-developed. We don't learn much about their personalities or motivations, and they come across as rather bland.
  • The setting is not very interesting. It's just a series of drab offices, and there is no real sense of place.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict to the scene. For example, you could have Joe and Jerry get into an argument with a difficult client or have them be pursued by a loan shark.
  • Make the dialogue more interesting. Add some wit and humor to the conversation, and give the characters more distinct voices.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them more backstory and motivations, and make them more interesting to the reader.
  • Make the setting more interesting. Add some details that will help the reader visualize the scene and create a sense of place.
  • Consider cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action. The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information.



Scene 5 -  Job Prospects and Dental Emergencies
INT. POLIAKOFF'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY

Beside Nellie, there is another secretary pecking away at a
typewriter. Nellie's face is grim as Joe and Jerry come up.

JOE
Now look, Nellie -- if it's about
last Saturday night -- I can explain
everything.

NELLIE
(to Jerry; pointing
at Joe)
What a heel! I spend four dollars to
get my hair marcelled, I buy me a
new negligee, I bake him a great big
pizza pie...
(to Joe)
-- and where were you?

JERRY
Yeah -- where were you?

JOE
With you.

JERRY
With me?
JOE
Don't you remember?
(to Nellie)
He has this bad tooth -- it got
impacted -- the whole jaw swole up --

JERRY
It did?
(Joe throws him a
look)
Boy, did it ever!

JOE
So I had to rush him to the hospital
and give him a transfusion...
(to Jerry)
Right?

JERRY
Right. We have the same blood type...

JOE
-- Type O.

NELLIE
Oh?

JOE
Nellie baby, I'll make it up to you.

NELLIE
You're making it up pretty good so
far.

JOE
The minute we get a job, I'm going
to take you out to the swellest
restaurant --

JERRY
How about it, Nellie? Has Poliakoff
got anything for us? We're desperate.

NELLIE
(slyly)
Well, it just so happens he is looking
for a bass and a sax --
(to the other secretary)
Right?
(she winks at her)

OTHER SECRETARY
(going along)
Right.
JERRY
(all excited)
Did you hear that, Joe?

JOE
What's the job?

NELLIE
It's three weeks in Florida --

JERRY
Florida?

NELLIE
The Seminole-Ritz, in Miami.
Transportation and all expenses
paid...

JOE
Isn't she a bit of terrific?
(busses Nellie on the
cheek; to Jerry)
Come on -- let's talk to Poliakoff.

They start toward the door of the inner office.

NELLIE
You better wait a minute, boys --
he's got some people in there with
him.

That stops them.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary Joe and Jerry visit Poliakoff's office to inquire about work opportunities and are asked to wait. Nellie, Poliakoff's secretary, is initially upset with Joe for not showing up to a previous engagement, but forgives him when he explains his absence due to a dental emergency. Nellie then mentions that Poliakoff is looking for a bass and sax player for a gig in Florida, sparking excitement in Joe and Jerry. The scene takes place in Poliakoff's outer office during the day and ends with Nellie warning Joe and Jerry to wait before meeting Poliakoff.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Musical elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and well-executed, blending humor, music, and character dynamics effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of musicians searching for a job in a comedic and musical setting is unique and well-developed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the characters' job search and the opportunity for a gig in Florida, adding excitement and motivation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a common theme of miscommunication and reconciliation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and humorous interactions that drive the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The characters show growth in their determination and camaraderie as they pursue a job opportunity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make amends with Nellie and secure a job opportunity. This reflects his desire for approval and success.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a job at the Seminole-Ritz in Miami. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding work and achieving financial stability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is mainly internal, with the characters facing the challenge of finding a job and seizing an opportunity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the characters face obstacles in achieving their goals.

High Stakes: 5

While the job opportunity in Florida adds stakes, the overall tone remains light-hearted and comedic.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new job opportunity and setting up potential developments for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' explanations and the surprise job opportunity presented by Nellie.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around honesty and trust. Joe's explanation for his absence challenges Nellie's beliefs and values, leading to a conflict of trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits positive emotions such as amusement and anticipation, engaging the audience in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the characters' relationships and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, comedic interactions, and the anticipation of the characters' next moves.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character interactions that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a comedic screenplay, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and a setup for future events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, making it unclear what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • The dialogue is somewhat forced and unnatural, with characters delivering exposition that could be conveyed through action or subtext.
Suggestions
  • Consider establishing a clear conflict or goal for the characters, such as having them try to convince Poliakoff to hire them for the Florida job despite their lack of experience.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, using subtext to convey information and motivations.



Scene 6 -  Desperate Search for Replacement Musicians
INT. POLIAKOFF'S INNER OFFICE - DAY

The room is small and cluttered, and the walls are covered
with photographs of Poliakoff's clients -- bands, vocalists,
trios, radio personalities.

Sitting behind the desk, speaking urgently into the phone,
is SIG POLIAKOFF, a gruff, likable man in his fifties. Pacing
up and down on the other side of the desk is SWEET SUE,
flashily-dressed broad, who has seen thirty summers and a
few hard winters. As she paces, she nervously flips a large
white pill from one hand to the other. Slouched in a chair
is BIENSTOCK, a somewhat prissy man of forty wearing thick
glasses. He has a card file on his lap, is thumbing through
it.
POLIAKOFF
(into phone)
Look, Gladys, it's three weeks in
Florida -- Sweet Sue and Her Society
Syncopators -- they need a couple of
girls on sax and bass -- what do you
mean, who is this? Sig Poliakoff. I
got a job for you -- Gladys, are you
there?
(hangs up)
Meshugeh! Played for a hundred and
twelve hours at a marathon dance,
and now she's in bed with a nervous
collapse.

SUE
Tell her to move over.

She has poured herself a glass of water from a pitcher on
the desk, and now she plops the pill into her mouth, washes
it down.

BIENSTOCK
(looking up from file)
What about Cora Jackson?

POLIAKOFF
The last I heard, she was playing
with the Salvation Army, yet.
(consulting list on
desk; into phone)
Drexel 9044.

Sue has wandered over to one of the framed photos on the
wall. It shows Sue posed in front of her band -- sixteen
girls, all blonde, all in identical gowns. On the drum it
says SWEET SUE AND HER SOCIETY SYNCOPATORS.

SUE
Those idiot broads! Here we are all
packed to go to Miami, and what
happens? The saxophone runs off with
a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle
gets herself pregnant.
(turning to Bienstock)
I ought to fire you, Bienstock.

BIENSTOCK
Me? I'm the manager of the band --
not the night watchman.
POLIAKOFF
(into phone)
Hello? Let me talk to Bessie Malone --
what's she doing in Philadelphia? --
on the level?
(hangs up)
Bessie let her hair grow and is
playing with Stokowski.

SUE
Black Bottom Bessie?

POLIAKOFF
Schpielt zich mit der Philharmonic.

BIENSTOCK
How about Rosemary Schultz?

POLIAKOFF
Did you hear? She slashed her wrists
when Valentino died!

SUE
We might as well all slash our wrists
if we don't round up two dames by
this evening.

She picks up her handbag. Bienstock rises, takes his glasses
off, puts them in his pocket.

BIENSTOCK
Look, Sig, you know the kind of girls
we need. We don't care where you
find them -- just get them on that
train by eight o'clock.

POLIAKOFF
Be nonchalant. Trust Poliakoff. The
moment anything turns up, I'll give
you a little tingle.

SUE
Bye, Sig.
(feels her tummy)
I wonder if I have room for another
ulcer?

Bienstock opens the door, and follows Sue into the outer
office. Joe and Jerry, who have been biding their time
outside, slip in and shut the door after them.

JOE
Hey, Sig -- can we talk to you?
POLIAKOFF
(into phone)
Nellie, get me long distance.
(to the boys)
What is it?

JERRY
It's about the Florida job.

POLIAKOFF
The Florida job?

JOE
Nellie told us about it.

JERRY
We're not too late, are we?

POLIAKOFF
What are you -- a couple of comedians?
Get out of here!
(into phone)
Long distance? Get me the William
Morris Agency in New York.

JOE
You need a bass and a sax, don't
you?

POLIAKOFF
The instruments are right, but you
are not.
(into phone)
I want to speak to Mr. Morris.

JERRY
What's wrong with us?

POLIAKOFF
You're the wrong shape. Goodbye.

JOE
The wrong shape? You looking for
hunchbacks or something?

POLIAKOFF
It's not the backs that worry me.

JOE
What kind of band is this, anyway?

POLIAKOFF
You got to be under twenty-five --

JERRY
We could pass for that.
POLIAKOFF
you got to be blonde --

JERRY
We could dye our hair.

POLIAKOFF
-- and you got to be girls.

JERRY
We could --

JOE
No, we couldn't!

POLIAKOFF
(into phone)
William Morris!

JERRY
You mean it's a girls' band?

JOE
Yeah, that's what he means. Good old
Nellie!
(starting toward door)
I ought to wring her neck!

POLIAKOFF
(into phone)
Yes, I'm holding on.

JERRY
Wait a minute, Joe. Lets talk this
over.
(to Poliakoff)
Why couldn't we do it? Last year,
when we played in that gypsy tea
room, we wore gold earrings. And you
remember when you booked us with
that Hawaiian band?
(pantomiming)
Grass skirts!

POLIAKOFF
(to Joe)
What's with him -- he drinks?

JOE
No. And he ain't been eating so good,
either. He's got an empty stomach
and it's gone to his head.
JERRY
But, Joe -- three weeks in Florida!
We could borrow some clothes from
the girls in the chorus --

JOE
You've flipped your wig!

JERRY
Now you're talking! We pick up a
couple of second-hand wigs -- a little
padding here and there -- call
ourselves Josephine and Geraldine --

JOE
Josephine and Geraldine!
(disgustedly)
Come on!

He drags Jerry toward the door.

POLIAKOFF
Look, if you boys want to pick up a
little money tonight --
(they stop and turn)
At the University of Illinois they
are having -- you should excuse the
expression -- a St. Valentine's dance.

JOE
We'll take it!

POLIAKOFF
You got it. It's six dollars a man.
Be on the campus in Urbana at eight
o'clock --

JERRY
(protesting)
All the way to Urbana -- for a one
night stand?

JOE
It's twelve bucks. We can get one of
the overcoats out of hock.

POLIAKOFF
(into phone)
Hello, Mr. Morris? This is Poliakoff,
in Chicago. Say, you wouldn't have a
couple of girl musicians available?
A sax player and a base?
JERRY
(at the door)
Look, if William Morris doesn't come
through --

JOE
Come on, Geraldine!

He pulls him into the outer office.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary Sig Poliakoff, a talent agent, urgently tries to find replacement musicians for Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators, who are missing a saxophonist and a bassist. While his assistant Bienstock searches through a card file, two men, Joe and Jerry, enter the office and offer to take the job, but are dismissed by Poliakoff. The scene takes place in Poliakoff's cluttered inner office in Chicago during the day, and ends with Poliakoff continuing his search for musicians. The tone is urgent and frantic, with a sense of frustration and disappointment.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Comedic timing
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with witty dialogue and comedic situations that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of two male musicians trying to pass as female to join a girls' band is unique and adds a comedic element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Joe and Jerry's desperate attempts to secure a job in the girls' band, leading to a series of comedic events.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and humorous take on the music industry, with unique character interactions and unexpected plot developments.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and each has a distinct personality that adds to the humor and chaos of the scene.

Character Changes: 4

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions drive the plot forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and find replacement musicians for the gig in Florida, despite the chaotic and unpredictable circumstances.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find two female musicians to replace the missing saxophone and bass players for the gig in Florida.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the characters' attempts to deceive and manipulate their way into the girls' band.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges and obstacles in finding replacement musicians.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on comedic elements rather than high drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new challenge for the characters and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected plot developments and character interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' desire to maintain professionalism and find replacements for the gig, and the chaotic and unpredictable nature of the music industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and chaos rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and sarcastic dialogue between the characters drives the humor and adds depth to their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, humor, and chaotic interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast-paced and energetic tone, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue, and action.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit slow and too focused on the conversation between Poliakoff and the other characters. There is not enough action or movement to keep the reader engaged.
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and formal. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition.
Suggestions
  • Add more action or movement to the scene. For example, you could have Joe and Jerry trying to sneak into the office or you could have them arguing with Poliakoff.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and informal. Use contractions and slang, and have the characters talk over each other.
  • Give the scene a clearer purpose. What is the point of this scene? What does it need to accomplish?



Scene 7 -  Violent Takeover at Charlie's Garage
INT. POLIAKOFF'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY

Joe leads Jerry out.

JERRY
It's a hundred miles, Joe -- it's
snowing -- how are we going to get
there?

JOE
I'll think of something. Don't crowd
me.

NELLIE
(brightly)
How did it go, girls?

JERRY
We ought to wring your neck.

JOE
Please, Jerry -- that's no way to
talk.
(turning on the charm)
Nellie baby -- what are you doing
tonight?

NELLIE
(suspiciously)
Why?

JOE
Because I got some plans --

NELLIE
I'm not doing anything. I just thought
I'd go home and have some cold pizza --

JOE
And you'll be in all evening?

NELLIE
(melted by now)
Yes, Joe.
JOE
(brightly)
Good! Then you won't be needing your
car.

NELLIE
My car? Why, you --

Joe silences her protest with a kiss. Jerry shakes his head
with mock admiration.

JERRY
Isn't he a bit of terrific?

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CLARK STREET - DAY

Joe and Jerry, carrying their instruments, are coming along
the snow-covered sidewalk toward a garage entrance, above
which is a sign reading: CHARLIE'S GARAGE. Their shoulders
are hunched up against the cold.

JERRY
We could've had three weeks in Florida --
all expenses paid. Lying around in
the sun -- palm trees -- frying
fish...

JOE
Knock it off, will you?

They step over the chain blocking the entrance, start into
the garage.

INT. CHARLIE'S GARAGE - DAY

There are rows of parked cars, a lube rack and a gas pump.

Against the wall under a naked electric light bulb hanging
from a cord, five men are playing stud poker.

A couple of mechanics, in grease-stained coveralls, are
watching the game. The dealer is Toothpick Charlie, the
inevitable toothpick in his mouth.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
(dealing)
King high -- pair of bullets --
possible straight -- possible nothing --
pair of eights --
Joe and Jerry come in from the street. One of the mechanics
notices them, nudges Toothpick Charlie. Charlie looks up,
and seeing the instrument cases, leaps to his feet, drawing
a gun from his shoulder holster. The other four players also
jump up, and pulling their guns, level them at Joe and Jerry.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
All right, you two -- drop 'em.

JERRY
(stops; puzzled)
Drop what?

JOE
We came to pick up a car.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
Oh, yeah?

He nods to one of the mechanics, who steps up to Joe and
Jerry, starts to open the instrument cases.

JOE
Nellie Weinmeyer's car.

MECHANIC
(as the bass and sax
are revealed)
Musicians.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
Wise guys!

He mops his brow with the back of his sleeve, and putting
his gun back in the holster, picks up the deck of cards again.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
Let's go. Pair of aces bets.

The other players resume their seats. Joe and Jerry follow
the mechanic toward the parked cars.

JOE
It's a '25 Hupmobile coupe. Green.

The mechanic leads them up to the car, which is parked near
the gas pump.

MECHANIC
Need some gas?

JERRY
Yeah.
(takes some coins out
of pocket)
Like about forty cents' worth.
The mechanic unscrews the cap of the gas tank, inserts the
rubber hose from the pump.

MECHANIC
Put it on Miss Weinmeyer's bill?

JOE
Why not?
(signals Jerry to put
coins away)
And while you're at it -- fill 'er
up.

From the street outside comes the loud squeal of tires. Jerry
glances off casually toward the entrance.

A black Dusenberg bursts the chain hanging across the street
entrance, skids into the garage, takes to a screeching stop
some ten feet from the card players. Toothpick Charlie and
his cronies leap up and reach for their guns.

Too late. Four men have scrambled out of the car, two armed
with submachine guns, the other two with sawed-off shotguns.
We recognize them as Spats Colombo's henchmen.

FIRST HENCHMAN
All right, everybody hands up and
face the wall.

The frightened poker players start to obey.

Jerry is watching the scene, open-mouthed. Joe grabs his
shoulder, pulls him down behind the Hupmobile.

The Second Henchman notices the mechanic standing petrified
beside the gas pump.

SECOND HENCHMAN
(waving machine gun)
Hey -- join us!

The mechanic raises his hands, moves reluctantly toward the
six men lined up against the wall.

SECOND HENCHMAN
(continues)
Okay, boss.

A pair of men's feet step down from the limousine. They are
encased in immaculate spats.

Jerry, crouching behind the Hupmobile with Joe, grabs his
arm.
JERRY
(whispering)
It's Spats Colombo --

Joe clamps his hand over Jerry's mouth.

Spats Colombo joins his armed henchmen, who are covering the
seven men facing the wall with their hands up.

SPATS
(very blasé)
Hello, Charlie. Long time no see.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
(glancing over his
shoulder nervously)
What is it, Spats? What do you want
here?

SPATS
Just dropped in to pay my respects.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
You don't owe me no nothing.

SPATS
Oh, I wouldn't say that. You were
nice enough to recommend my mortuary
to some of your friends...

He has strolled over to the table, and picking up the deck
of cards, starts to deal out another round to the abandoned
poker hands.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
(sweating)
I don't know what you're talking
about.

SPATS
So now I got all those coffins on my
hands -- and I hate to see them go
to waste.

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
Honest, Spats. I had nothing to do
with it.

Spats deals Toothpick Charlie's fifth card, then turns up
the hole card.
SPATS
Too bad, Charlie. You would have had
three eights.
(flips cards away)
Goodbye, Charlie!

TOOTHPICK CHARLIE
(knowing what's coming)
No, Spats -- no, no, no --
(a scream)
NO!

Spats nods, and the two machine-gunners raise their weapons,
start to fire methodically at their off-scene victims.

Behind the Hupmobile, Jerry screws his eyes shut painfully
as the steady chatter of bullets continues.

JERRY
I think I'm going to be sick.

The machine guns stop firing. There is a moment's silence.
Suddenly, the bas tank of the Hupmobile overflows, and the
rubber hose from the pump whips out, gushing gasoline over
the floor.

Spats and his henchmen, hearing the SOUND, whirl around and
catch sight of Joe and Jerry squatting behind the car.

SPATS
All right -- come on out of there.

Joe and Jerry emerge quakingly from behind the Hupmobile.

They try to raise their hands, but find this rather difficult
to manage while holding on to their instruments. Jerry darts
a horrified glance toward the foot of the wall.

JOE
(quickly)
We didn't see anything --
(to Jerry)
-- did we?

JERRY
(to Spats)
No -- nothing. Besides, it's none of
our business if you guys want to
knock each other off --

Joe nudges him violently with his elbow, and he breaks off.

SPATS
(studying them)
Don't I know you two from somewhere?
JOE
We're just a couple of musicians --
we come to pick up a car -- Nellie
Weinmeyer's car -- there's a dance
tonight --
(starting to edge
away)
Come on, Jerry.

SPATS
Wait a minute. Where do you think
you're going?

JOE
To Urbana. It's a hundred miles.

SPATS
You ain't going nowhere.

JERRY
(quavering)
We're not?

SPATS
The only way you'll get to Urbana is
feet first.

During this, one of the bodies huddled grotesquely against
the foot of the wall begins to stir. It is Toothpick Charlie.
He is covered with blood, but there is still a spark of life
in him, and his toothpick is still clutched between his teeth.

Painfully, he starts to worm his way across the floor toward
a phone on a wooden shelf.

Spats and his gang, facing Joe and Jerry, are not aware of
Charlie's activity.

SPATS
I don't like no witnesses.

JOE
We won't breathe a word.

SPATS
You won't breathe nothing' -- not
even air.

He motions lazily to the Second Henchman. The henchman slowly
levels his machine gun at Joe and Jerry, who stand frozen.

At that very moment, Toothpick Charlie reaches up for the
phone. But he is too weak to hold on, and the receiver drops
from his limp hand, and clatters to the asphalt floor.
Instantly, Spats and his henchman wheel around. Spats grabs
the machine gun from the Second Henchman, and perforates
what is left of Charlie with a hail of lead.

Toothpick Charlie crumbles in a heap. He is quite dead.

Spats' be-spatted foot comes into SHOT, disdainfully kicks
the toothpick out of Charlie's mouth.

Joe and Jerry have taken advantage of this momentary
diversion. Like scalded jackasses, they are sprinting toward
the entrance, hanging on to their instruments.

Spats and his boys pivot, see the two running. They let go
with a salvo of shots, just as Joe and Jerry scoot through
the garage door and disappear down the street.

A couple of henchmen start after them. There is the SOUND of
an approaching police SIREN.

SPATS
Come on -- let's blow. We'll take
care of those guys later.

They all pile into the black Dussenberg. The driver shifts
into reverse and the car shoots backwards out of the garage.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Joe and Jerry, two musicians, borrow Nellie's car for a gig and head to Charlie's Garage. They encounter Toothpick Charlie and his gang, who pull guns on them, but are saved when Spats Colombo and his henchmen arrive, killing Toothpick Charlie and his gang. Joe and Jerry hide and then escape as Spats and his gang give chase, but leave when they hear a police siren. The scene is tense and dangerous, with the threat of violence always present.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • High stakes
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Balanced tone
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for minor characters
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of suspense, humor, and drama. The shocking events and high stakes keep the audience on the edge of their seats, while the comedic elements provide moments of relief and amusement.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a deadly encounter in a garage between musicians and gangsters is executed brilliantly. The scene is filled with tension, action, and unexpected twists, keeping the audience hooked from start to finish.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around a chance encounter between musicians Joe and Jerry and gangster Spats Colombo, leading to a deadly confrontation. The plot is well-paced, with a good balance of action, suspense, and humor.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the poker game in the garage and the sudden appearance of Spats Colombo and his henchmen. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the gritty realism of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, especially Joe, Jerry, and Spats Colombo, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the encounter with Spats Colombo forces Joe and Jerry to confront danger and make quick decisions, showcasing their resourcefulness and survival instincts.

Internal Goal: 8

Joe's internal goal is to protect himself and Jerry from the dangerous situation they find themselves in. He is focused on survival and avoiding confrontation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to pick up Nellie Weinmeyer's car and attend a dance. However, this goal is quickly overshadowed by the threat of Spats Colombo and his henchmen.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with the threat of violence looming over the characters. The confrontation between the musicians and the gangsters creates a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Spats Colombo and his henchmen posing a serious threat to Joe and Jerry. The audience is unsure of how the characters will escape the dangerous situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing the threat of violence and death. The deadly encounter with Spats Colombo raises the tension and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a new conflict and escalating the tension between the characters. The deadly encounter with Spats Colombo sets the stage for future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of Spats Colombo and the escalation of violence. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of criminal activities and the consequences of getting involved in dangerous situations. Joe and Jerry are forced to confront their own values and beliefs in the face of violence and death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, shock, and amusement in the audience, creating a rollercoaster of emotions. The shocking events and intense conflict heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and realistic, capturing the personalities of the characters effectively. The exchanges between Joe, Jerry, and Spats Colombo add tension and humor to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the tension and danger faced by the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a gradual buildup of tension leading to a climactic moment of violence. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of violence, and a resolution as Joe and Jerry narrowly escape. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Joe and Jerry feels a bit unnatural.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. It's mostly just people talking in a garage.
  • The action sequence is a bit too short and lacks suspense.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Joe and Jerry to make it more natural.
  • Add more descriptive details to the setting.
  • Extend the action sequence and add more suspense.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending.



Scene 8 -  Musicians' Hasty Disguise Plan
EXT. ALLEY - DAY

Joe and Jerry come skidding around the corner from Clark
Street, race down the snow-covered alley. In b.g. there is
the SOUND of squealing tires and police sirens.

JERRY
(as they run)
I think they got me.

JOE
They got the bull-fiddle.

JERRY
(feeling himself all
over)
You don't see any blood?

JOE
Not yet. But if those guys catch us,
there'll be blood all over. Type O.

They start running even faster.

JERRY
Where are we running, Joe?

JOE
As far away as possible.
JERRY
That's not far enough. You don't
know those guys! But they know us.
Every hood in Chicago will be looking
for us --

They reach the end of the alley. A couple of motorcycle
policemen, their sirens wailing, flash by in the direction
of the garage. The word must have spread, because pedestrians
are also running in the same direction. Joe stops, looks
around quickly, and seeing a cigar store on the corner drags
Jerry inside.

INT. CIGAR STORE - DAY

Joe hurries to a wall telephone near the entrance. Jerry
follows breathlessly.

JOE
Got a nickel?

He sets the saxophone case down, and taking a coin from Jerry,
inserts it in the slot.

JERRY
You going to call the police?

JOE
The police? We'd never live to
testify. Not against Spats Colombo.
(into phone)
Wabash 1098.

JERRY
We got to get out of town. Maybe we
ought to grow beards.

JOE
We are going out of town. But we're
going to shave.

JERRY
Shave? At a time like this? Those
guys got machine guns -- they're
going to blast our heads off -- and
you want to shave?

JOE
Shave our legs, stupid.

Stupid is right. Jerry still doesn't get it.
JOE
(into phone; his voice
a tremulous soprano)
Hello? Mr. Poliakoff? I understand
you're looking for a couple of girl
musicians.

Now Jerry gets it.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Action"]

Summary Joe and Jerry, fleeing from gangsters, abandon their stolen double bass in a Chicago alley and conceal themselves in a cigar store. Joe, in a call to their contact Mr. Poliakoff, feigns being a female musician seeking employment to facilitate their escape. Initially bewildered, Jerry comprehends their plan to disguise as women and depart from the city.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Fast-paced action
  • Engaging characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends comedy, crime, and action elements, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The fast-paced nature of the scene adds to the suspense and humor, making it an enjoyable and memorable sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two musicians getting caught up in a dangerous situation and trying to escape while maintaining their humor is unique and engaging. The blend of comedy and crime elements adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Joe and Jerry trying to escape danger after getting involved with gangsters. The fast-paced action and witty dialogue drive the plot forward, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'criminals on the run' scenario by infusing it with humor and unexpected twists. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Joe and Jerry are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Joe is quick-witted and resourceful, while Jerry provides comic relief with his cluelessness. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, Joe and Jerry do showcase their resourcefulness and quick thinking in the face of danger, highlighting their ability to adapt to challenging situations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to escape from the dangerous situation they are in and avoid being caught by Spats Colombo and his gang. This reflects their deeper need for survival and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a way to evade the police and gangsters chasing them, ultimately escaping the city and starting a new life elsewhere.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with Joe and Jerry trying to evade dangerous gangsters who are hot on their trail. The tension and suspense are palpable, adding to the overall excitement of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and threats that challenge their ability to escape. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fate, adding to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with Joe and Jerry facing the threat of being caught by dangerous gangsters. The tension and danger add to the overall excitement and suspense of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by placing Joe and Jerry in a dangerous situation and setting up their escape. It adds depth to their characters and sets the stage for future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue, as well as the shifting dynamics of the chase sequence. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will escape their predicament.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' choices between facing the consequences of their actions and taking drastic measures to survive. It challenges their beliefs about loyalty, trust, and the value of their own lives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including anxiety, amusement, and anticipation. The audience is invested in Joe and Jerry's plight and roots for them to escape safely.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and humorous. It showcases the personalities of Joe and Jerry while adding to the overall tone of the scene. The banter between the characters keeps the audience entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The characters' banter and the sense of danger keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and tension that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances the sense of urgency and builds suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear action lines, dialogue, and scene descriptions that enhance the pacing and tension.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful chase sequence, with escalating tension, a sense of urgency, and a clear goal for the characters to achieve.


Critique
  • The scene begins with Joe and Jerry running from the police and Spats Colombo's gang. While the action is exciting, it's not clear what led to this chase. Providing some context or backstory would help the reader understand the situation.
  • The dialogue between Joe and Jerry is mostly functional, but it could be more engaging. For example, when Jerry asks where they're running, Joe's response, "As far away as possible," is a bit bland. He could be more specific or add some humor to the line.
  • When Joe and Jerry reach the cigar store, Joe immediately calls Mr. Poliakoff and pretends to be a girl musician. This is a clever idea, but it's not clear why Joe thinks this will help them escape. He could explain his plan to Jerry, or the reader could be given some insight into Joe's thought process.
  • The scene ends with Joe and Jerry shaving their legs. This is a funny and unexpected twist, but it's not clear how it will help them escape. The reader is left wondering what Joe's plan is.
  • Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved with some additional context, more engaging dialogue, and a clearer explanation of Joe's plan.
Suggestions
  • Add some context or backstory to explain why Joe and Jerry are running from the police and Spats Colombo's gang.
  • Revise the dialogue between Joe and Jerry to make it more engaging and humorous.
  • Have Joe explain his plan to Jerry, or give the reader some insight into his thought process.
  • Explain how shaving their legs will help Joe and Jerry escape.



Scene 9 -  Jerry and Joe's Train Adventure in Drag
EXT. CHICAGO RAILROAD PLATFORM - NIGHT

Two pairs of high-heeled shoes, unusually large in size, are
hurrying along the platform. CAMERA FOLLOWS them and PANS UP
gradually, revealing rather hefty legs in rolled stockings,
short dresses, coats with cheap fur pieces, and rakish cloche
hats. One of the pair carries a saxophone case, the other a
bull-fiddle case, and each has a Gladstone bag.

A train, with steam up, is loading for departure. Redcaps,
passengers, baggage carts.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Florida Limited leaving on Track
Seven for Washington, Charleston,
Savannah, Jacksonville and Miami.
All aboard. All aboard.

Our two passenger accelerate their pace. But evidently they
are not too adept at navigating in high heels. Suddenly the
one with the bull-fiddle twists her ankle -- or we should
say his ankle -- because it's Jerry. He stops and faces his
girlfriend -- Joe.

JERRY
(rubbing his ankle)
How can they walk on these things?
How do they keep their balance?

JOE
Must be the way their weight is
distributed. Come on.

As they proceed along the platform, a gust of wind sends
their skirts billowing. Jerry stops again and pulls his skirt
down.

JERRY
And it's so drafty. They must be
catching colds all the time.

JOE
(urging him on)
Quit stalling. We'll miss the train.
JERRY
I feel so naked. Like everybody's
looking at me.

JOE
With those legs? Are you crazy?

They are now approaching the Pullman car reserved for the
girls' orchestra. Girl musicians, with instruments and
luggage, are boarding the car, supervised by Sweet Sue and
Bienstock.

JERRY
(stopping in his tracks)
It's no use. We'll never get away
with it, Joe.

JOE
The name is Josephine. And it was
your idea in the first place.

Just then, a member of the girls' band comes hurrying past
them, carrying a valise and ukulele case. Her name is SUGAR.
What can we say about Sugar, except that she is the dream
girl of every red-blooded American male who ever read College
Humor? As she undulates past them, Jerry looks after her
with dismay.

JERRY
Who are we kidding? Look at that --
look how she moves -- it's like jello
on springs -- they must have some
sort of a built-in motor. I tell you
it's a whole different sex.

JOE
What are you afraid of? Nobody's
asking you to have a baby. This is
just to get out of town.

The minute we hit Florida, we'll blow this set-up.

JERRY
This time I'm not going to let you
talk me into something that...

A newsboy approaches along the platform, peddling his papers.

NEWSBOY
Extra! Extra! Seven Slaughtered in
North Side Garage! Fear Blood
Aftermath!
JERRY
(to Joe, promptly)
You talked me into it! Come on,
Josephine.

JOE
Attagirl, Geraldine.

They hurry toward the Pullman car, imitating the jello-on-
springs movement as well as they can.

At the Pullman car, Sue and Bienstock are checking in the
girl musicians as they are boarding.

SUE
Hi, Mary Lou -- Rosella -- Okay,
Dolores, get a move on -- How's your
back, Olga?

BIENSTOCK
(checking list)
Clarinet -- drums -- trumpet --
trombone --

Joe and Jerry come mincing up. (NOTE: From here on in, the
two will speak with girls' voices whenever the situation
calls for it.)

JOE
Well, here we are.

SUE
You two from the Poliakoff Agency?

JOE
Yes, we're the new girls.

JERRY
Brand new.

SUE
This is our manager, Mr. Bienstock.
I'm Sweet Sue.

JOE
My name is Josephine.

JERRY
And I'm Daphne.

This is completely out of left field. Joe throws him a sharp
look. Jerry smiles back brightly.
BIENSTOCK
(checking list)
Saxophone, bass -- Am I glad to see
you girls. You saved our lives.

JOE
Likewise, I'm sure.

SUE
Where did you girls play before?

JERRY
Oh -- here and there -- and around.

JOE
We spent three years at the Sheboygan
Conservatory of Music.

From OFF comes the voice of the Conductor: "All aboard!"

BIENSTOCK
You're in Berths 7 and 7A.

JERRY
(his idea of a lady)
Thank you ever so.

BIENSTOCK
You're welcome.

JERRY
It's entirely mutual.

Joe has already boarded the car. As Jerry starts up the steps,
he stumbles. Bienstock helps him up, with a little pat on
the behind.

BIENSTOCK
Upsy-daisy.

JERRY
(coyly)
Fresh!

Joe jerks him up into the vestibule before this nonsense
gets out of hand.

BIENSTOCK
(takes off glasses,
puts them in pocket)
Looks like Poliakoff came through
with a couple of real ladies.

JOE
You better tell the other girls to
watch their language.
She and Bienstock mount the steps of the Pullman. The porter
picks up the yellow footstep, hops aboard as the train starts
moving.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary In this comedic scene, cross-dressing men Jerry and Joe attempt to board a train to Florida with a girls' orchestra, facing challenges due to their high heels and unfamiliarity with women's clothing. Jerry has a moment of doubt, but after seeing an attractive band member named Sugar and reading about a crime in the newspaper, he decides to proceed with the plan. The tone is lighthearted, with some moments of tension and physical comedy, as Jerry stumbles on the steps of the Pullman car. The scene ends with Jerry and Joe successfully boarding the train and beginning their journey.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Unique concept
  • Engaging characters
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of gender roles

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with humor and light-hearted moments that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two male musicians disguising themselves as women to escape danger is unique and provides a comedic twist to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Joe and Jerry take a bold step to board the train in disguise, setting up potential conflicts and comedic situations.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the classic 'disguise' trope, with unique character dynamics and comedic elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Joe and Jerry's characters shine through their humorous dialogue and actions, showcasing their resourcefulness and comedic timing.

Character Changes: 7

Joe and Jerry undergo a significant change by taking on female personas, showcasing their adaptability and resourcefulness.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome their fear of being exposed and ridiculed while disguised as women. This reflects their deeper desire to escape their current situation and start fresh in Florida.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully board the train and escape their current circumstances without being caught. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of evading the law and starting a new life in Florida.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the characters' risky decision to disguise themselves, leading to potential consequences and comedic misunderstandings.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face challenges and obstacles that add tension and humor to their predicament.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high as Joe and Jerry risk their safety by disguising themselves and boarding the train.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new dynamic and potential challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the comedic twists that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' struggle with identity and societal expectations. They are forced to confront their own beliefs about gender roles and the consequences of deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on humor and light-hearted moments rather than deep emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and humorous dialogue between Joe, Jerry, and the other characters adds depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the comedic dialogue, physical comedy, and the characters' predicament, which keeps the audience invested in their journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and comedic moments that keep the story moving forward at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a comedy genre, with a setup, conflict, and resolution that flow seamlessly.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit long and could be shortened by removing some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural, especially the parts where Joe and Jerry are trying to impersonate women.
  • The scene lacks conflict, as Joe and Jerry easily board the train without any problems.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and doesn't leave the reader with a sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the scene by removing some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some conflict to the scene, such as having Joe and Jerry have to sneak onto the train or deal with some other obstacle.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as having Joe and Jerry successfully infiltrate the girls' band.



Scene 10 -  Joe and Jerry Join the Girl Musicians on the Pullman Car
INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

As Joe and Jerry come in from the vestibule, Joe grabs Jerry,
holds him against the baggage rack.

JOE
(an angry whisper)
DAPHNE?

JERRY
I never did like the name Geraldine.

As Sue and Bienstock appear from the vestibule, Joe lets go
of Jerry, and they move down the aisle into the Pullman car
proper.

The girl musicians are all there, except for Sugar. They are
removing their coats, settling themselves in their seats,
putting away their instruments and baggage. They are all
blonde, they are young, and most of them are pretty. They
look like a band of angels -- but don't you believe it.

JERRY
(the good neighbor)
Hello, everybody. I'm the bass fiddle.
Just call me Daphne.

JOE
I'm Josephine. Sax.

There is a slew of general hellos.

MARY LOU
Welcome to No Man's Land.

GIRLS
(in chorus)
You'll be sor-ry!

ROSELLA
Take your corsets off and spread
out.

JERRY
Oh, I never wear one.

OLGA
Don't you bulge?
JERRY
Oh, no. I have the most divine little
seamstress that comes in once a month --
and my dear, she's so inexpensive --

JOE
Come on, Daphne.

DOLORES
Say, kids, have you heard the one
about the girl tuba player that was
stranded on a desert island with a
one-legged jockey?

JERRY
No -- how does it go?

BIENSTOCK
(coming up)
Now cut that out, girls -- none of
that rough talk.
(as Joe and Jerry
move off)
They went to a conservatory.

There is a general horse-laugh from the girls. Joe and Jerry
have now reached their seats, and are taking off their coats.

JERRY
(in a delighted whisper)
How about that talent? This is like
falling into a tub of butter.

JOE
Watch it, Daphne!

JERRY
When I was a kid, I used to have a
dream -- I was locked up in this
pastry shop overnight -- with all
kinds of goodies around -- jelly
rolls and mocha eclairs and sponge
cake and Boston cream pie and cherry
tarts --

JOE
Listen, stupe -- no butter and no
pastry. We're on a diet!

Jerry starts to hang his coat across a cord running above
the window.

JOE
(grabbing him)
Not there -- that's the emergency
brake.
JERRY
(clutching bosom)
Now you've done it!

JOE
Done what?

JERRY
Tore off one of my chests.

JOE
You'd better go fix it.

JERRY
You better come help me.

Jerry leads the way toward the rest rooms, which are just
beyond their seat. Instinctively he heads for the one marked
MEN. Joe grabs him, steers him back toward the one marked
WOMEN.

JOE
This way, Daphne.

JERRY
(clasping his chest
desperately)
Now you tore the other one.

Joe opens the curtain, propels him inside.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary Joe and Jerry, dressed as Josephine and Daphne, enter the Pullman car and join the girl musicians. Jerry's decision to pose as a woman takes Joe by surprise, and the musicians warn them about the tough time ahead. Joe stops Jerry from pulling the emergency brake and guides him to the women's restroom.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Unique concept
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with humor and light-hearted moments that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of two men pretending to be women in a female band setting is unique and provides ample opportunities for comedic situations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Joe and Jerry continue their charade, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original take on the classic 'disguise' trope, with the protagonists posing as female musicians. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are both humorous and believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Joe and Jerry are well-developed and their interactions with the female band members add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene as Joe and Jerry maintain their disguises and comedic personas.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain their cover as female musicians while navigating the challenges and humor that come with it. This reflects their deeper need to successfully carry out their plan and avoid detection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to blend in with the group of girl musicians and avoid suspicion. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining their disguise and staying undetected.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict as Joe and Jerry navigate their disguise and interactions with the female band members.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the challenges the protagonists face in maintaining their disguise and navigating the interactions with the girl musicians. The audience is left wondering how they will handle the comedic situations that arise.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on comedic elements rather than high drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the next stage of Joe and Jerry's deception and potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions, as well as the humorous situations that arise from their disguises and cover stories.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's true identity and the facade they are presenting. This challenges their beliefs and values as they navigate the complexities of deception and gender roles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and light-hearted moments rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and humorous dialogue enhances the comedic elements of the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its quick pace, witty dialogue, and comedic moments that keep the audience entertained and invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and comedic moments that keep the story moving forward and maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that help to guide the reader through the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and comedic moments that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The scene is a bit too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The characters are not very well-developed. The reader doesn't get a good sense of who they are or what they want.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's more like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and motivation.
  • Add more conflict to the scene to make it more exciting and engaging.



Scene 11 -  Disguised Musicians and a Hidden Flask
INT. WOMEN'S LOUNGE

There is another customer there -- Sugar. She has one leg up
on the leather settee, her skirt is slightly raised, and she
is about to remove a small silver flask tucked under her
garter. As Jerry and Joe come in, she guiltily pulls her
skirt down.

SUGAR
OH!

JERRY
(arms folded across
chest)
Terribly sorry.

SUGAR
(relieved)
That's all right. I was afraid it
was Sweet Sue. You won't tell anybody,
will you?

JOE
Tell what?
SUGAR
(taking the flask out
and unscrewing the
cap)
If they catch me once more, they'll
boot me out of the band.
(pours a drink into a
paper cup)
You the replacement for the bass and
the sax?

JERRY
That's us. I'm Daphne -- and this is
Josephine.

SUGAR
I'm Sugar Cane. I changed it. It
used to be Sugar Kowalczyk.

JERRY
Polish?

SUGAR
Yes. I come from a very musical
family. My mother is a piano teacher
and my father was a conductor.

JOE
Where did he conduct?

SUGAR
On the Baltimore and Ohio.

JOE
Oh.

SUGAR
I play the ukulele. And I sing too.

JERRY
(to Joe)
She sings, too.

SUGAR
I don't really have much of a voice --
but then it's not much of a band,
either. I'm only with 'em because
I'm running away.

JOE
Running away? From what?
SUGAR
Don't get me started on that.
(extending flask)
Want a drink? It's bourbon.

As Jerry reaches for it, his bosom starts to slip again, and
he quickly refolds his arms.

JERRY
We'll take a rain check.

SUGAR
(downs cupful of
bourbon)
I don't want you to think that I'm a
drinker. I can stop any time I want
to -- only I don't want to. Especially
when I'm blue.

JOE
We understand.

SUGAR
All the girls drink -- but I'm the
one that gets caught. That's the
story of my life. I always get the
fuzzy end of the lollipop.

She has screwed the cap back on the flask, and now slips it
under her garter.

SUGAR
Are my seams straight?

JERRY
(examining her legs)
I'll say.

SUGAR
See you around, girls.

She waves and exits into the Pullman car.

JERRY
Bye, Sugar.
(to Joe)
We been playing with the wrong bands.

JOE
Down, Daphne!

JERRY
How about the shape of that liquor
cabinet?
Joe spins him around, and unbuttoning the back of his dress,
starts to fix the slipped brassiere.

JOE
Forget it. One false move, and they'll
toss us off the train -- there'll be
the police, and the papers, and the
mob in Chicago...

JERRY
(not listening)
Boy, would I like to borrow a cup of
that Sugar.

JOE
(whirling him around,
grabbing the front
of his dress)
Look -- no butter, no pastry, and no
Sugar!

JERRY
(looking down at his
chest, pathetically)
You tore it again!

DISSOLVE:
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary In the women's lounge of a train, Sugar, a customer, is about to drink from a flask when Jerry and Joe enter. After hiding the flask, Sugar introduces herself as a musician on the run and offers them a drink, which they decline. Sugar checks her seams and leaves, and Jerry's bosom slips again, leading Joe to fix it and remind Jerry of the potential consequences of their disguise. The scene is light-hearted and humorous, with a hint of tension and danger due to the potential consequences of Jerry and Joe's disguise.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Unique concept
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayal of cross-dressing characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is entertaining, filled with humor, and advances the plot in a fun and engaging way.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two male musicians disguising themselves as women to join an all-female band is unique and adds a comedic element to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Joe and Jerry continue their charade, leading to potential complications and comedic situations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as Sugar's hidden drinking problem and the band members' interactions. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are entertaining, especially the dynamic between Joe, Jerry, and Sugar.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene as Joe and Jerry continue their deception.

Internal Goal: 8

Sugar's internal goal is to hide her drinking problem from the band members and maintain her image as a musician. This reflects her fear of being kicked out of the band and her desire to continue running away from her problems.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to blend in with the band members and not draw attention to herself. This reflects the immediate challenge of fitting in with the new band members and avoiding conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict in the scene as Joe and Jerry navigate the challenges of their disguise and the potential consequences of being discovered.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming. The characters face obstacles that challenge their goals and beliefs.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of Sugar's drinking problem and the tension between the characters. The audience is left wondering how these dynamics will play out.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Sugar's desire to run away from her problems and her need to face them head-on. This challenges her beliefs about escapism and self-acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits light-hearted emotions and amusement from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the scene forward while revealing character traits and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, tension between the characters, and the mystery surrounding Sugar's backstory. The interactions between the characters keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character dynamics. The dialogue flows smoothly and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues and dialogue tags. The action is described concisely and effectively.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character introductions and dialogue-driven interactions. It sets up the dynamics between the characters effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It seems to be a filler scene that does not advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and stilted. The characters speak in a way that people do not typically speak in real life.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene does not contribute to the overall tone or atmosphere of the film.
  • The scene is not visually interesting and could be improved with more dynamic camera work and editing.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear purpose or direction to the scene. What do you want to achieve with this scene?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary lines and actions.
  • Consider how the scene contributes to the overall tone or atmosphere of the film.
  • Experiment with different camera angles and editing techniques to make the scene more visually interesting.



Scene 12 -  Sweet Sue's Society Syncopators' Rehearsal on a Locomotive: A Hint of Tension and Conflict
EXT. LOCOMOTIVE WHEELS - NIGHT

The wheels are pounding along the track, accompanied by a
spirited rendition of RUNNING WILD.

INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

At one end of the car, Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators
are beating out RUNNING WILD. It is a special rehearsal to
break in the two new girls, Josephine and Daphne. The other
girls, including Sugar on the ukulele, are really swinging.
But Joe and Jerry are playing in a dainty ultra-refined
manner, so as not to give themselves away.

Sue, who is conducting from the aisle, raps her baton against
a seat. The girls stop playing.

SUE
(to Joe and Jerry)
Hey, Sheboygan -- you two -- what
was your last job -- playing square
dances?

JOE
No -- funerals.
SUE
Would you mind rejoining the living?
Goose it up a little.

JERRY
We'll try.

Sue is about to give the downbeat, when her eyes fall on
Jerry's bass fiddle. There is a neat row of bullet holes
across the face of the instrument.

SUE
How did those holes get there?

JERRY
(looking down)
Oh -- those. I don't know.
(tentatively)
Mice?

JOE
(quickly)
We got it second-hand.

SUE
All right -- lets take it from the
top. And put a little heat under it,
will you?

She brings the baton down, and the girls start playing again.
This time Joe and Jerry give it both knees -- Joe going for
a wild ride on the sax, and Jerry slapping and twirling the
bass like a girl possessed. Sue cocks her eyebrows, amazed
by the hepness of the two conservatory cats.

Now it is time for Sugar's solo. She steps forward with the
ukulele, and starts to sing a hot chorus of RUNNING WILD.

Holding on to the bull-fiddle, Jerry leans forward to get a
better view of Sugar's backfield in motion.

As Sugar shimmies through the number, the hidden flask slips
out from under her garter, and falls to the floor with a
clank. She freezes. Sue raps her baton furiously against the
seat, stopping the music.

SUE
BIENSTOCK!

Bienstock, with his glasses on, is sitting father back in
the car reading Variety. He leaps up.

BIENSTOCK
Yes, Sue? What is it?
SUE
(pointing at flask)
I thought I made it clear I don't
want any drinking in this outfit.

BIENSTOCK
(picking up flask)
All right, girls. Who does this belong
to?
(no answer)
Come on, now. Speak up.
(still no answer; his
eyes fall on Sugar,
who stands there
frozen)
Sugar, I warned you!

SUGAR
Please, Mr. Bienstock --

BIENSTOCK
This is the last straw. In Kansas
City you were smuggling liquor in a
shampoo bottle. Before that I caught
you with a pint in your ukulele --

Jerry has squeezed himself between the girls, and steps
forward.

JERRY
Pardon me, Mr. Bienstock -- can I
have my flask back?

BIENSTOCK
(automatically)
Sure.
(hands it to him,
turns back to Sugar)
Pack your things, and the next station
we come to --
(he does a take, turns
to Jerry)
Your flask?

JERRY
Uh-huh. Just a little bourbon.

He starts to slip it down the neck of his dress.

BIENSTOCK
Give me that!

He grabs the flask. Sugar is looking at Jerry gratefully.
Joe glares at Jerry, ready to hit him with the saxophone.
SUE
(to Joe and Jerry;
dryly)
Didn't you girls say you went to a
conservatory?

JERRY
Yes. For a whole year.

SUE
I thought you said three years.

JOE
(lightly)
We got time off for good behavior.

SUE
There are two things I will not put
up with during working hours. One is
liquor -- and the other one is men.

JERRY
(a blinking angel)
Men?

JOE
Oh, you don't have to worry about
that.

JERRY
We would be caught dead with men.
Those rough, hairy beasts with eight
hands --
(looking at Bienstock)
They all want just one thing from a
girl.

BIENSTOCK
(drawing himself up)
I beg your pardon.

SUE
(rapping baton)
All right, girls -- from the top
again.

Once more the Society Syncopators wade into RUNNING WILD.
Sugar, strumming the ukulele, smiles warmly at Daphne, a
true blue pal; Daphne smiles back, his mouth watering a
little, like a kid in a pastry shop.

DISSOLVE:
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary In this scene, Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators, including Joe and Jerry disguised as women, are having a special rehearsal on a locomotive at night. While playing 'Running Wild', Sugar's flask falls out, causing Sue to stop the music and reprimand Sugar for drinking. Tension arises when Sue notices the bullet holes in Jerry's bass fiddle, nearly revealing Joe and Jerry's true identities. Despite the conflicts, the scene ends with the band starting to play again, and Sugar looking gratefully at Jerry for taking the blame for the flask.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Musical performance
  • Gender-bending comedy
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with humor, musical elements, and clever dialogue. It moves the story forward while introducing new conflicts and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two men posing as women in an all-female orchestra is unique and sets the stage for comedic situations and misunderstandings.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Joe and Jerry navigate their new roles in the orchestra, facing challenges and creating humorous moments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original situation of impostors posing as musicians, leading to comedic misunderstandings and conflicts. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Joe, Jerry, Sugar, and Sweet Sue are well-developed and contribute to the humor and dynamics of the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' interactions and challenges contribute to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain their cover and not give themselves away as impostors. This reflects their fear of being discovered and the consequences that may follow.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully rehearse with the band and avoid any suspicion from Sweet Sue and the other girls.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the characters' attempts to maintain their disguises and navigate the all-female orchestra.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the characters' deception, hidden motives, and conflicting goals. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and character dynamics than intense conflict or drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, setting up future events, and developing the characters' relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns, such as the discovery of the hidden flask and the characters' quick thinking to maintain their cover.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' deception and the moral implications of their actions. It challenges their values and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits laughter and amusement from the audience, creating a positive emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the comedic elements of the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and musical performances. The characters' interactions and the unfolding conflicts keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and musical performances. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene headings and character actions. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and develops the characters' relationships. It fits the expected format for a comedic musical genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal for the characters. While the characters are rehearsing a song, there is no apparent obstacle or challenge that they are facing.
  • The dialogue is expository and does not reveal much about the characters or their relationships. For example, the conversation about the bullet holes in the bass fiddle does not provide any meaningful insight into the characters.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful. The first half of the scene, which focuses on the rehearsal, could be cut without losing any important information.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way. The characters are essentially the same at the end of the scene as they were at the beginning.
  • The scene is not particularly visually interesting. The setting is a train car, which is a fairly generic and uninspiring location.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene. For example, the characters could be trying to impress a record producer or win a music competition.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more revealing of the characters and their relationships. For example, the conversation about the bullet holes in the bass fiddle could be used to explore the characters' past experiences or their feelings about violence.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting the first half, which focuses on the rehearsal. This will make the scene more concise and impactful.
  • Add some visual interest to the scene by changing the setting or adding some props. For example, the scene could be set in a recording studio or a concert hall, and the characters could be surrounded by musical instruments or other props that reflect their profession.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and complexity. For example, the characters could have different motivations and goals, and they could be struggling with personal issues or conflicts.



Scene 13 -  Jerry's Infatuation and Suspicion on the Train
EXT. LOCOMOTIVE WHEELS - NIGHT
The wheels are still pounding away -- but there's no more
music.

INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

The berths are made up, and the girls are getting ready for
bed. Joe, in pajamas, is standing in the aisle beside Lower
7, draping his dress neatly on a hanger. Jerry, in a
nightgown, is lying in Upper 7 with the curtains open,
watching the broads go by. Girls in negligees, in pajamas,
in nightgowns, are scurrying with their wash-kits in and out
of the ladies' room, climbing into lowers and uppers.

JERRY
(the young sultan)
Good night, Mary Lou -- Dolores dear,
sleep tight -- Nighty-night, Emily.

EMILY
(climbing into an
upper)
Toodle-oo.

JERRY
(to Joe)
How about that toodle-oo?

JOE
Steady, boy. Just keep telling
yourself you're a girl.

JERRY
(to himself)
I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl --

Rosella and Olga come bouncing past from the ladies' room.

JERRY
(to Joe)
Get a load of that rhythm section.
(a glare from Joe)
I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

His eyes stray down the aisle. In Upper 2, Sugar is getting
ready for bed. All Jerry can see is her legs dangling out of
the berth, as she removes her stockings. But that's all the
identification Jerry needs.

JERRY
(calling down the
aisle)
Good night, Sugar.
SUGAR
(sticking her head
out)
Good night, honey.

JERRY
(to Joe; enraptured)
Honey -- she called me honey.

Without a word, Joe takes the ladder leaning against Jerry's
berth, slides it under the lower.

JERRY
What are you doing?

JOE
I just want to make sure that honey
stays in the hive. There'll be no
buzzing around tonight.

JERRY
But suppose I got to go -- like for
a drink of water?

JOE
Fight it.

JERRY
But suppose I lose? Suppose it's an
emergency?

JOE
(points to cord running
across the back of
Jerry's berth)
Then pull the emergency brake!

Sitting on the edge of Lower 1, ready for bed, is Sue. She
is looking off intently toward Joe and Jerry, flipping a
stomach pill in one hand and holding a paper cup of water in
the other. She turns to Bienstock, who is across the aisle
in Lower 2, just buttoning his pajama tops.

SUE
You know, Bienstock, there's something
funny about those two new girls.

BIENSTOCK
Funny? In what way?
SUE
I don't know -- but I can feel it
right here.
(pats tummy)
That's one good thing about ulcers --
it's like a burglar alarm going off
inside you.

She swallows the pill, washes it down with water.

BIENSTOCK
All right, Sue. You watch your ulcers --
I'll watch those two.
(rises, claps his
hands)
Okay. Everybody settle down and go
to bed. Good night, girls.

The last few girls climb into their births, lights are being
extinguished, curtains are being closed.

Joe, standing outside Berth 7, starts to close the curtains
of Jerry's berth.

JOE
Good night, Daphne.

JERRY
(wretchedly)
Good night, Josephine.

Joe closes the curtains. Jerry, in the upper, extinguishes
the light. He settles himself back on the pillow, closes his
eyes.

JERRY
(muttering to himself)
I'm a girl -- I'm a girl -- I wish I
were dead -- I'm a girl -- I'm a
girl --
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Crime"]

Summary The scene takes place on a train at night, where the girls are getting ready for bed in their berths. Jerry, who is pretending to be a girl, is infatuated with Sugar and calls out to her. Joe, who is in on Jerry's secret, sets up a barrier to prevent Jerry from leaving his berth. Sue, who is in a lower berth across the aisle, suspects that something is off about Jerry and Daphne. As the scene ends, Joe closes the curtains of Jerry's berth and Jerry settles down to sleep, muttering to himself. The main conflict in this scene is Sue's suspicion of Jerry and Daphne, but it is not resolved in the scene. The tone of this scene is lighthearted and playful, with a hint of tension and suspicion.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging concept
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical portrayals of gender

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with humor, and sets up a lot of potential for comedic moments and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two men pretending to be women in a female band is innovative and sets the stage for a lot of comedic possibilities.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Joe and Jerry continue their charade, leading to potential conflicts and humorous situations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of mistaken identity, with a unique setting and quirky characters. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding depth to the characters' actions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Joe, Jerry, Sugar, Sue, and Bienstock are well-defined and contribute to the humor and tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The characters undergo subtle changes as they navigate the challenges of their situation, particularly Jerry embracing his role as Daphne.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal is to maintain his disguise as a woman and navigate the challenges that come with it. This reflects his fear of being discovered and his desire to successfully carry out the deception.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being caught in his deception and to successfully blend in with the other passengers on the train.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as the characters try to maintain their disguise and avoid detection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that add depth to the conflict and keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high as the characters risk exposure and potential danger by maintaining their disguise.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the evolving dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity and deception. Jerry's struggle to maintain his disguise challenges societal norms and expectations, leading to a conflict between appearance and reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including amusement, anxiety, and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and humorous, capturing the essence of the characters and their predicament.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The witty dialogue and comedic moments keep the audience entertained and invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with comedic relief, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven comedy, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is unnatural and forced, and could be rewritten to sound more natural.
  • The characters are not well-developed and could be given more depth.
  • The setting is not described in enough detail, and could be fleshed out to make it more immersive.
  • The plot is predictable and could be made more engaging.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more backstory and motivation.
  • Describe the setting in more detail to make it more immersive.
  • Add some unexpected twists and turns to the plot to make it more engaging.



Scene 14 -  An Unexpected Party in Joe's Berth
EXT. LOCOMOTIVE WHEELS - NIGHT

The wheels are pounding along the track in the rhythm of
Jerry's 'I'm a girl, I'm a girl.'

DISSOLVE:

INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

There are just a few dim lights illuminating the aisle.

Everybody seems to be asleep, all is quiet -- except for
Bienstock's steady snoring in Lower 2.
After a moment, the curtains of Upper 2 open, and Sugar peeks
out cautiously. She is wearing a negligee over her nightie.
Seeing that all is clear, she slips quietly down the ladder,
and tiptoes down the aisle.

She arrives at Berth 7, and finding no ladder there, takes
one from across the aisle, leans it against Jerry's berth,
and climbs up.

Jerry is asleep in Upper 7, as the curtains part and Sugar
leans in.

SUGAR
(a whisper)
Daphne...

She taps his shoulder. Jerry sits bolt upright, hits his
head against the top of the berth.

JERRY
Oh -- Sugar!

SUGAR
I wanted to thank you for covering
for me. You're a real pal.

JERRY
It's nothing. I just think us girls
should stick together.

SUGAR
If it hadn't been for you, they would
have kicked me off the train. I'd be
out there in the middle of nowhere,
sitting on my ukulele.

JERRY
It must be freezing outside. When I
think of you -- and your poor ukulele --

SUGAR
If there's anything I can do for you --

JERRY
Oh, I can think of a million things --

Sugar, looking off, sees something in the aisle, quickly
climbs into the berth beside Jerry.

JERRY
And that's one of them.

SUGAR
(finger to her lips)
Sssh. Sweet Sue.
She peers through the slit in the curtains.

Sue, in a wrapper, is padding sleepily down the aisle toward
the ladies' room.

Back in Upper 7, Sugar turns conspiratorially to Jerry.

SUGAR
I don't want her to know we're in
cahoots.

JERRY
We won't tell anybody -- not even
Josephine.

SUGAR
I'd better stay here till she goes
back to sleep.

JERRY
Stay as long as you'd like.

SUGAR
(putting her legs
under the covers)
I'm not crowding you, am I?

JERRY
No. It's nice and cozy.

SUGAR
When I was a little girl, on cold
nights like this, I used to crawl
into bed with my sister. We'd cuddle
up under the covers, and pretend we
were lost in a dark cave, and were
trying to find out way out.

JERRY
(mopping his brow)
Interesting.

SUGAR
Anything wrong?

JERRY
No, no.

SUGAR
(putting a hand on
his shoulder)
Why you poor thing -- you're trembling
all over.

JERRY
That's ridiculous.
SUGAR
And your head is hot.

JERRY
That's ridiculous.

SUGAR
(her feet touching
his under the cover)
And you've got cold feet.

JERRY
(a wan smile)
Isn't that ridiculous?

SUGAR
Let me warm them a little.
(rubbing her feet
against his)
There -- isn't that better?

Jerry has turned his head away, and is now mumbling to
himself.

JERRY
I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl --

SUGAR
What did you say?

JERRY
I'm a very sick girl.

SUGAR
(sitting up)
Maybe I'd better go before I catch
something.

JERRY
(holding her by the
arm)
I'm not that sick.

SUGAR
I have a very low resistance.

JERRY
Look, Sugar, if you feel you're coming
down with something, the best thing
is a shot of whiskey.

SUGAR
You got some?
JERRY
I know where to get some.
(sitting up)
Don't move.

He climbs across her, and opening the curtains, leans all
the way over the edge of the upper berth and down toward the
berth below.

In Lower 7, Joe is asleep, facing the window. The curtains
part, and Jerry, dangling upside down, reaches toward the
suitcase at the foot of the berth. He raises the lid of the
suitcase, rummages around till he finds a bottle of bourbon.
As he takes it out, Joe stirs. Jerry freezes, raises the
bottle up, ready to conk Joe if he wakes up. Joe turns over,
settles back to sleep, and Jerry swings his body through the
curtains.

Jerry, the bottle clutched in his hand, is hanging upside
down, while Sugar in the upper berth holds on to his legs.

As Jerry tries to raise himself back up, he slips out of
Sugar's grasp, and sprawls in the aisle. He lies absolutely
still, afraid that Joe may have heard him.

SUGAR
(a solicitous whisper)
You all right?

JERRY
(getting up)
I'm fine.

SUGAR
How's the bottle?

JERRY
Half-full.

As he hands it up to her, the curtains of Upper 4 part, and
Dolores, who has been awakened by the fall, peeks out.

SUGAR
(to Jerry)
You better get some cups.

Jerry pads over to the water fountain beside the rest rooms.

He punches out a couple of paper cups from a dispense, flits
back to Berth 7, and scurries up the ladder.

Dolores watches all this with great interest.

Back in Upper 7, Sugar has already opened the bottle.
JERRY
(handing her the paper
cups)
I tell you -- this is the only way
to travel.

SUGAR
(pouring)
You better put on the lights. I can't
see what I'm doing.

JERRY
No -- no lights. We don't want anyone
to know we're having a party.

SUGAR
I may spill something.

JERRY
(shifting into high)
So spill it. Spills, thrills, laughs,
games -- this may even turn out to
be a surprise party.

SUGAR
What's the surprise?

JERRY
(coyly)
Uh-uh. Not yet.

SUGAR
When?

JERRY
We better have a drink first.

SUGAR
(handing him cup)
Here. This'll put hair on your chest.

JERRY
No fair guessing.

They drink. The curtains open and Dolores, standing on the
ladder outside, sticks her head in.

DOLORES
This a private clambake, or can
anybody join?

JERRY
(turns, startled)
It's private. Go away.
SUGAR
Say, Dolores -- you still got that
bottle of vermouth?

DOLORES
Sure.

JERRY
Who needs vermouth?

SUGAR
(to Dolores)
We have some bourbon -- lets make
Manhattans.

DOLORES
Okay.
(starts down the ladder)

JERRY
Manhattans? This time of night?

SUGAR
(calling after Dolores)
And bring the cocktail shaker.

JERRY
(disgustedly)
Oh, Sugar. You're going to spoil my
surprise.

Dolores has crossed the aisle, and getting a foot up on Lower
4, reaches up into her berth for the vermouth. The curtains
of Lower 4 open, and Mary Lou sticks her head out.

MARY LOU
What's up?

DOLORES
Party in Upper 7.

MARY LOU
I got some cheese and crackers.

DOLORES
And get a corkscrew.

Mary Lou gets out of her berth, steps across to Lower 3,
wakes up Rosella.

MARY LOU
Party in Upper 7. Got a corkscrew?

ROSELLA
(wide awake)
No. But Stella has.
MARY LOU
Get some cups.

Rosella hurries toward the water fountain, while Mary Lou
gets Stella and the corkscrew out of bed. Rapidly, the whole
Pullman car springs into action. As silent as mice, the girls
slip out of their berths, armed with various provisions.
Their nighties billowing they scuttle down the aisle and up
the ladder into Upper 7.

In Upper 7, the party is building rapidly, as the mice pile
in with their contributions.

GIRLS
Here's the vermouth. I brought some
crackers and cheese. Will ten cups
be enough? Can you use a bottle of
Southern Comfort?

Jerry is trying vainly to stem the invasion of gatecrashers.

JERRY
Please, girls -- this is a private
party -- a party for two -- go away,
no more room -- ssh, the neighbors
downstairs -- you'll wake up Josephine --
please, no crackers in bed -- go
someplace else, form your own party --
be careful with that corkscrew! Sugar --
where are you, Sugar?

Sugar is greeting Olga, who has climbed into the berth
clutching a hot water bottle.

OLGA
Here's the cocktail shaker.

Sugar starts measuring bourbon and vermouth into it.

GIRLS
Easy on the vermouth. If we only had
some ice -- Pass the peanut butter.
Anybody for salami?

JERRY
(desperately)
Thirteen girls in a berth -- that's
bad luck! Twelve of you will have to
get out!... Please, girls, no more
food! I'll have ants in the morning!

In Lower 7, Joe is stirring restlessly, while subdued noises
float down from the party upstairs. The curtains part and
Emily sticks her head in and shakes Joe.
EMILY
Hey -- you got any maraschino cherries
on you?

JOE
(half asleep)
Huh?

EMILY
Never mind.

She disappears. Joe starts to close his eyes, then sits up
with a jolt.

JOE
Maraschino cherries?

Slowly he becomes aware of the sounds of revelry up above.

His eyes wide as he sees a girl's bare leg through the
curtains. The girl steps on the edge of his berth, hoists
herself into the upper. Joe throws open the curtains, sees
several other pairs of girls' legs dangling down from the
upper, and still more legs climbing up the ladder.

Frantically, Joe jumps out of his birth. He is confronted by
a sight which knocks into a cocked hat the principle that
two bodies cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

In a triumph of engineering, fourteen girls have squeezed
themselves into Upper 7 -- or to be exact, thirteen girls
and Daphne -- not to mention the bourbon, the vermouth, the
Southern Comfort, the paper cups, the corkscrew, the hot
water bottle, the crackers and cheese, and the salami.

There is a seething tangle of arms and legs and blonde heads --
like a snake pit at feeding time.

JOE
What's going on here?
(trying to find a
needle in the haystack)
Daphne -- Daphne --

JERRY
(sticking his head
out)
It's not my fault. I didn't invite
them.

JOE
(pleading)
Break it up, girls! Daphne! Come on,
help me!

He starts to tug at odd arms and legs.
Jerry pulls himself back into the berth.

JERRY
All right, girls. You heard Josephine.
Everybody out.

Sugar starts to back out of the berth.

JERRY
Not you, Sugar.

SUGAR
I'm just going to get some ice.

Joe has slipped on his robe as Sugar comes backing out of
the berth and down the ladder.

JOE
Out, out! That's right, Sugar. Now
the rest of you.

As Sugar heads for the water fountain, Joe starts to pull
the other girls out.

GIRLS
Aw, don't be a flat tire. Have a
Manhattan. Come on in. There's lots
of room in the back.

JOE
Ssh. Pipe down. We'll all be fired.

Jerry sticks his head out, looks after Sugar.

JERRY
(plaintively)
Sugar -- don't you leave me here
alone, Sugar.

Sugar has pried open the panel under the water fountain, and
reaching inside, drags out a huge cake of ice. Not quite
knowing what to do with it, she thrusts it into Joe's hands,
and turns quickly to the pile of instruments stashed between
some empty seats.

JOE
(unaware of the cake
of ice in his hands)
Come on, kids. Give up, will you?
The party's over. Everybody go home.
(suddenly notices the
ice)
What's this?

By this time, Sugar has unscrewed a cymbal from the drum,
and is holding the drummer's metal brush.
SUGAR
(beckoning to Joe)
Josephine, over here. Before it melts.

She heads for the women's lounge. Joe looks at her, looks at
the ice, and not knowing what else to do with it, follows
her through the curtains.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

Summary Sugar Kane thanks Jerry for covering for her, and they share a drink in his berth. More girls from the Pullman car join the party, until there are 14 girls in Jerry's berth. Joe is initially confused and then annoyed by the unexpected party but fails to break it up. The scene ends with Joe following Sugar into the women's lounge, still holding the cake of ice she gave him.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Creative concept
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with comedic moments, and showcases the unique dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a wild party in a train berth, with cross-dressing characters and a series of escalating events, is executed with creativity and humor.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the unexpected party in the train berth, adding humor and chaos to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic 'mistaken identity' trope, with a unique setting and dynamic character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jerry and Sugar, shine in this scene with their witty dialogue and comedic interactions.

Character Changes: 4

There are no significant character changes in this scene, as the focus is more on humor and interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain their secret identity and continue their deception without being caught. This reflects their fear of being exposed and the desire to protect themselves.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to keep up the facade of being a woman and navigate the challenges that come with their dual identity. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene, where they are surrounded by other characters who are unaware of their true identity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on comedic misunderstandings and chaotic situations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that create tension and conflict. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, with the main focus on comedy and light-hearted interactions.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and provides a comedic interlude.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The dynamic interactions between characters keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, deception, and trust. The protagonist's actions challenge traditional gender roles and societal expectations, leading to a conflict between appearance and reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes laughter and amusement, creating a positive emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, fast-paced, and contributes significantly to the humor and dynamics of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and dynamic character interactions. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension, humor, and character development. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the dialogue and action.
  • The scene is too focused on the party and not enough on the characters. More time could be spent developing the characters and their relationships.
  • The scene is too predictable and doesn't offer any surprises. The reader can guess what is going to happen next.
  • The scene is too unrealistic. It's hard to believe that fourteen girls would be able to fit into one berth and that they would be able to keep the party a secret from the other passengers.
  • The scene is too over-the-top and doesn't feel like it belongs in the rest of the movie. The tone of the scene is too light and comedic for a movie that is otherwise serious and dramatic.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the dialogue and action to make the scene shorter.
  • Spend more time developing the characters and their relationships.
  • Add some surprises to the scene.
  • Make the scene more realistic.
  • Change the tone of the scene to make it more consistent with the rest of the movie.



Scene 15 -  Sugar's Plans for the Future: Avoiding Saxophone Players and Marrying a Rich Man
INT. WOMEN'S LOUNGE - NIGHT

Sugar comes in, followed by Josephine with the cake of ice.

SUGAR
(pointing to sunken
washbowl)
Put it here.

JOE
(dropping the ice in
the bowl)
Sugar, you're going to get yourself
into a lot of trouble.

SUGAR
Better keep a lookout.

Joe crosses to the curtain, peers out. Sugar, using the handle
of the metal brush, starts to chop ice into the upturned
cymbal.

JOE
If Bienstock catches you again --
What's the matter with you, anyway?

SUGAR
I'm not very bright, I guess.

JOE
I wouldn't say that. Careless, maybe.

SUGAR
No, just dumb. If I had any brains,
I wouldn't be on this crummy train
with this crummy girls' band.

JOE
Then why did you take this job?

SUGAR
I used to sing with male bands. But
I can't afford it any more.

JOE
Afford it?
SUGAR
Have you ever been with a male band?

JOE
Me?

SUGAR
That's what I'm running away from. I
worked with six different ones in
the last two years. Oh, brother!

JOE
Rough?

SUGAR
I'll say.

JOE
You can't trust those guys.

SUGAR
I can't trust myself. The moment I'd
start with a new band -- bingo!

JOE
Bingo?

SUGAR
You see, I have this thing about
saxophone players.

JOE
(abandoning his lookout
post)
Really?

SUGAR
Especially tenor sax. I don't know
what it is, but they just curdle me.
All they have to do is play eight
bars of "Come to Me My Melancholy
Baby" -- and my spine turns to
custard, and I get goose-pimply all
over -- and I come to them.

JOE
That so?

SUGAR
(hitting her head)
Every time!

JOE
(nonchalantly)
You know -- I play tenor sax.
SUGAR
But you're a girl, thank goodness.

JOE
(his throat drying up)
Yeah.

SUGAR
That's why I joined this band. Safety
first. Anything to get away from
those bums.

JOE
(drier yet)
Yeah.

SUGAR
(hacking the ice
viciously)
You don't know what they're like.
You fall for them and you love 'em --
you think it's going to be the biggest
thing since the Graf Zeppelin -- and
the next thing you know they're
borrowing money from you and spending
it on other dames and betting on the
horses --

JOE
You don't say?

SUGAR
Then one morning you wake up and the
saxophone is gone and the guy is
gone, and all that's left behind is
a pair of old socks and a tube of
toothpaste, all squeezed out.

JOE
Men!

SUGAR
So you pull yourself together and
you go on to the next job, and the
next saxophone player, and it's the
same thing all over again. See what
I mean? -- not very bright.

JOE
(looking her over)
Brains aren't everything.
SUGAR
I can tell you one thing -- it's not
going to happen to me again. Ever.
I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end
of the lollipop.

Olga bursts in through the curtains.

OLGA
Ice! What's keeping the ice? The
natives are getting restless.

Joe hands her the cymbal piled with ice.

JOE
How about a couple of drinks for us?

OLGA
Sure.

She scoots out. Joe and Sugar are alone again.

SUGAR
You know I'm going to be twenty-five
in June?

JOE
You are?

SUGAR
That's a quarter of a century. Makes
a girl think.

JOE
About what?

SUGAR
About the future. You know -- like a
husband? That's why I'm glad we're
going to Florida.

JOE
What's in Florida?

SUGAR
Millionaires. Flocks of them. They
all go south for the winter. Like
birds.

JOE
Going to catch yourself a rich bird?
SUGAR
Oh, I don't care how rich he is --
as long as he has a yacht and his
own private railroad car and his own
toothpaste.

JOE
You're entitled.

SUGAR
Maybe you'll meet one too, Josephine.

JOE
Yeah. With money like Rockefeller,
and shoulders like Johnny Weismuller --

SUGAR
I want mine to wear glasses.

JOE
Glasses?

SUGAR
Men who wear glasses are so much
more gentle and sweet and helpless.
Haven't you ever noticed?

JOE
Well, now that you've mentioned it --

SUGAR
They get those weak eyes from reading --
you know, all those long columns of
tiny figures in the Wall Street
Journal.

Olga is back again, carrying two Manhattans in paper cups on
the cymbal. She hands them the drinks, starts to refill the
cymbal with ice.

OLGA
That bass fiddle -- wow! She sure
knows how to throw a party!

She dashes out. Joe looks after her, worriedly.

SUGAR
(raising cup)
Happy days.

JOE
(lifting his cup)
I hope this time you wind up with
the sweet end of the lollipop.

They drink. Joe studies her like a cat studying a canary.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

Summary In the women's lounge on a train at night, Sugar and Josephine have a lighthearted conversation about Sugar's past relationships with saxophone players and her plans to avoid them in the future. Sugar expresses her desire to marry a rich man with a yacht, private railroad car, and his own toothpaste. Olga interrupts their conversation, but Sugar's plans and determination remain unchanged.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with well-developed characters, witty dialogue, and a mix of humor and introspection. It moves the story forward while adding emotional depth to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two men disguised as women in an all-female band on a train is unique and sets the stage for comedic situations and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Sugar and Joe's conversation reveals their inner thoughts and motivations, adding depth to their characters and setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on relationships and gender dynamics, with authentic character interactions and a unique setting that sets it apart from conventional romantic narratives.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Sugar and Joe are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and vulnerabilities. Their interaction adds layers to the story and sets up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

Both Sugar and Joe undergo subtle changes as they reveal more about themselves and their motivations, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Sugar's internal goal is to break free from her pattern of falling for saxophone players and getting hurt. This reflects her desire for independence and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully evade detection by Bienstock and continue her activities without getting caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is no direct conflict in the scene, there is tension and internal conflict within the characters, especially as they reveal their vulnerabilities and past experiences.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Joe questioning Sugar's choices and potential consequences, adding conflict and tension to their interactions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, there is a sense of vulnerability and risk as the characters open up about their pasts and reveal their true identities.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships, revealing important information, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of Sugar's revelations about her past relationships and her future aspirations, adding depth to the character dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust and self-preservation, as Sugar grapples with her past experiences and the potential for future relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to nostalgia to regret, as the characters open up about their pasts and future hopes.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters' pasts and desires. It adds humor and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the unfolding of Sugar's backstory, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character insights, and maintaining audience interest through well-timed dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and progression, fitting the genre of romantic comedy.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly with Sugar chopping ice without much context, making it slightly confusing for the reader.
  • The dialogue between Sugar and Joe is quite exposition-heavy, with a lot of information about Sugar's past experiences with saxophone players and her current feelings. This info dump could be spread out throughout the scene or implied through actions and subtext.
  • Sugar's characterization is a bit stereotypical, playing into the trope of the 'dumb blonde' who falls for musicians. This could be subverted or developed further to make her a more nuanced character.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear goal or conflict. While it provides some character development for Sugar, it doesn't advance the plot or raise the stakes for the characters.
  • The ending of the scene feels somewhat anticlimactic, with Sugar and Joe simply drinking and talking. It would benefit from a stronger resolution or a hint of what's to come.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a brief moment of action or dialogue to establish the setting and the characters' relationship before Sugar starts chopping ice.
  • Break up the exposition by interweaving Sugar's backstory with her interactions with Joe, allowing the information to emerge more naturally.
  • Explore Sugar's character beyond the stereotype, giving her more depth and complexity. Consider her motivations and fears, and show how they shape her actions.
  • Introduce a conflict or goal to drive the scene forward. This could involve Sugar facing a dilemma, making a decision, or encountering an obstacle.
  • End the scene on a stronger note, either by leaving the reader with a sense of anticipation or resolve, or by revealing something new about the characters or their situation.



Scene 16 -  Jerry's Hilarious Hiccups and Torn Bosoms
INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

Olga is climbing up on the ladder to Upper 7 with the new
supply of ice in the cymbal. The party is now really winging.
Amidst the hushed hilarity, the hot water bottle is being
passed around, paper cups and crackers are flying, some of
the girls are smoking. Despite the absence of Sugar, Jerry
is enjoying himself hugely. Dolores has the floor -- finishing
the joke that Bienstock interrupted earlier.

DOLORES
So the one-legged jockey said --
(she breaks up in
helpless laughter)

JERRY
(eagerly)
What did he say?

DOLORES
The one-legged jockey said -- 'Don't
worry about me, baby. I ride side-
saddle.'

To Jerry, this is excruciatingly comical. He puts his hand
over his mouth, trying to smother his wild laughter, starts
to hiccup.

JERRY
(Lady Daphne again)
I beg your pardon.

Another hiccup. And another.

ROSELLA
Put some ice on her neck!

She takes a hunk of ice out of the cymbal, rubs it against
the back of Jerry's neck. Jerry leaps up with a squeal, and
the ice slides down into his nightgown. He squirms and
wiggles, crying and laughing and hiccuping.

JERRY
Oooh! Aaah! It's cold! Owwww!

The girls try to fish the ice from inside his nightie, and
suddenly Jerry gets a new shock, worse than the ice. His
hiccups stop, his eyes widen in panic. His bosoms have torn
lose from their moorings again. He folds his arms over his
suddenly flat chest, to ward off exposure.

JERRY
(continuing)
Cut it out, girls. Stop it. Joe --
Josephine -- help!
DOLORES
Hey, she's ticklish!

With that, all the girls pounce on Jerry, start to tickle
him.

Jerry flops around like a fish, screaming and laughing and
crying. In despair, his eyes fall on the emergency cord. He
makes a grab for the cord, pulls it.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

Summary During a lively party in a Pullman car, Olga supplies fresh ice, and Dolores finishes a joke, causing uproarious laughter. Jerry, the center of attention, hiccups uncontrollably, leading the girls to attempt to fish ice from his nightgown. His bosoms tear loose once more, causing further embarrassment, but the girls' playful tickling brings laughter. The scene ends with Jerry, in desperation, pulling the emergency cord, potentially introducing a new conflict.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Creative concept
  • Engaging characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with humor and light-hearted moments that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of men pretending to be women in a girls' orchestra is innovative and drives the comedic elements of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the comedic situations arising from the characters' disguises and interactions, providing entertainment.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique situations and fresh approaches to humor and chaos at a party. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jerry and Joe, showcase their comedic abilities and adaptability in the face of unexpected situations.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' adaptability and quick thinking are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to enjoy himself and have a good time at the party despite the absence of Sugar. This reflects his desire for fun and connection with his friends.

External Goal: 7

Jerry's external goal in this scene is to navigate the chaos of the party and avoid embarrassment or exposure. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the party environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the characters' attempts to maintain their disguises and navigate the comedic situations they find themselves in.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jerry facing challenges and obstacles in the chaotic party environment.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are not particularly high in this scene, focusing more on comedic situations rather than intense conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' journey and the challenges they face in maintaining their disguises.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected physical comedy and chaotic interactions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Jerry's desire for fun and connection with his friends and his fear of embarrassment and exposure. This challenges his values of enjoying himself while also maintaining his dignity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and light-hearted moments rather than deep emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and humorous, adding to the comedic tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and chaotic humor.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by keeping the action moving and the humor flowing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a party scene in a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a party scene in a screenplay, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is overly long and could benefit from being trimmed down. The excessive dialogue and physical comedy may overwhelm the reader and detract from the overall impact of the scene.
  • The humor in the scene may not translate well to the screen and could come across as forced or exaggerated. It is important to ensure that the humor is organic to the characters and the situation.
  • The character of Jerry becomes increasingly unlikable as the scene progresses. His constant hiccups, squealing, and flailing around may irritate the audience and make it difficult to empathize with him.
  • The use of the emergency cord at the end of the scene feels like a cheap and convenient plot device. It is important to find a more logical and satisfying way for the scene to end.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the characters and their relationships rather than relying solely on physical comedy. Explore the motivations and desires of the characters to create a more emotionally engaging scene.
  • Trim down the dialogue and actions to create a more concise and impactful scene. Remove any unnecessary lines or actions that do not contribute to the overall narrative.
  • Make Jerry a more sympathetic character by giving him moments of vulnerability and self-awareness. Allow the audience to see his struggles and fears, and root for him to overcome them.
  • Find a more creative and satisfying way to end the scene. Consider using a plot twist or a character revelation to leave the audience on the edge of their seats.



Scene 17 -  Chaos on the Train: Jerry's Nightmare Emergency
EXT. LOCOMOTIVE WHEELS - NIGHT

The pounding wheels suddenly lock, and come to a jolting
stop.

INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

The abrupt stop sends everybody in Upper 7 tumbling out into
the aisle.

INT. WOMEN'S LOUNGE - NIGHT

Sugar, thrown off balance, grabs on to Joe.

SUGAR
What's happened?

JOE
Search me.
(quickly)
I mean -- I'll see.

He sticks his head out through the curtains.

INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

The girls heaped in the aisle are extricating themselves and
scurrying back as fast as they can into their berths. Jerry
scrambles up the ladder into Upper 7, pulls the curtains,
just as the curtains of Lower 1 are flung open and Sue
emerges. She glances up the aisle, which is now empty and
peaceful-looking.

SUE
(angrily)
What's going on around here?
(shouting)
BIENSTOCK!

Bienstock staggers sleepily out of Lower 2.

BIENSTOCK
Are we in Florida?
At the entrance to the women's lounge, Sugar has joined Joe
and the two are peering through the curtains. The door of
the car opens, and the Conductor runs in angrily. The two
withdraw back into the lounge.

The Conductor joins Sue and Bienstock.

CONDUCTOR
All right. Who pulled the emergency
brake? Who was it?

BIENSTOCK
(bellowing at the
closed curtains)
Come on, girls. Who was it?

Through the curtains of Upper 7, Jerry's head appears timidly.

JERRY
I was it.

SUE
What's the big idea?

JERRY
I'm sorry. I was having a nightmare.
(he hiccups)
Something I ate. I'm not at all well.
(holds out cocktail
shaker)
See? Hot water bottle.

CONDUCTOR
(disgusted)
Musicians! The last time we had some
on the train, they started a wild,
drunken brawl -- twelve of them in
one berth!

Jerry clucks his tongue disapprovingly. The Conductor jerks
the emergency cord a couple of times, signaling the engineer
to start the train again.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Crime"]

Summary In this chaotic and humorous scene, the train suddenly stops due to Jerry pulling the emergency brake in his sleep during a nightmare. This causes confusion and panic among the passengers, and the Conductor arrives to investigate. Jerry admits to his actions, citing a nightmare and an upset stomach as his reasons. The Conductor expresses frustration about musicians causing trouble on the train in the past, and the scene ends with the Conductor restarting the train and Jerry expressing remorse for his actions.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of comedy and suspense
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Dynamic and chaotic setting
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may feel contrived or exaggerated
  • Character motivations could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines comedy, suspense, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters in disguise on a train, facing unexpected challenges and trying to maintain their cover, is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters face a new obstacle and must navigate the consequences of Jerry's actions, adding tension and humor to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic situation of a train emergency, adding humor and unique character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the emergency stop and their interactions with each other showcase their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' relationships and dynamics are further developed through their interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to avoid getting caught for pulling the emergency brake due to a nightmare. This reflects his fear of being reprimanded or causing trouble for others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to cover up his mistake and convince the others that he was not intentionally causing trouble. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from Jerry's impulsive actions and the characters' efforts to deal with the consequences, adding tension and humor to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing consequences for his actions and having to navigate a challenging situation with the other characters.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised as the characters must deal with the consequences of Jerry's actions and maintain their disguises to avoid detection.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the protagonist pulling the emergency brake due to a nightmare, adding a layer of complexity and humor to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between personal responsibility and the consequences of one's actions. The protagonist must face the repercussions of his decision to pull the emergency brake, highlighting the clash between individual desires and societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, anxiety, and confusion, engaging the audience in the characters' predicament.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and humorous, capturing the characters' personalities and the escalating chaos of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and comedic elements that keep the audience invested in the characters' predicament.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a brisk tempo that keeps the audience engaged and builds tension as the events unfold.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a progression of events that build tension and humor.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It starts with the train suddenly stopping, then shifts to the girls and conductor reacting to it, and ends with Jerry admitting he pulled the brake. However, there's no clear connection between these events or what they contribute to the overall story.
  • The dialogue is mostly functional and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationships. The characters' reactions to the train stopping are also fairly generic and predictable.
  • The scene is too short and underdeveloped. There's not enough time for the characters to interact or for the audience to get invested in what's happening.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear purpose or goal to the scene. For example, it could be used to develop the conflict between Jerry and Sue, or to show how the girls are coping with the stress of being on tour.
  • Expand the dialogue to give the characters more depth and personality. For example, you could have Jerry react to the train stopping with more fear or anxiety, or have Sue be more confrontational with him.
  • Add more details to the setting and the characters' actions. This will help the audience visualize the scene and get a better sense of what's happening.



Scene 18 -  Deception Aboard the Train
EXT. LOCOMOTIVE WHEELS - NIGHT

The stalled wheels start to turn over and pick up speed.

DISSOLVE:

INT. PULLMAN CAR - NIGHT

The train is moving. Joe appears from the women's lounge,
signals to Sugar, who is behind him.
JOE
Okay, Sugar -- all clear. You better
go back to bed.

SUGAR
I might as well stay in there. I
won't be able to sleep anyway.

JOE
Why not?

SUGAR
Bienstock. He snores to beat the
band. We cut cards to see who sleeps
over him, and I always lose. Wouldn't
you know?

JOE
Want to switch berths with me?

SUGAR
Would you mind terribly?

JOE
Not at all.

He leads her to Lower 7. The curtains of Upper 7 are closed.

JOE
I can fall asleep anywhere, any time,
over anybody.

He takes his suitcase out, stashes it under the berth.

SUGAR
Thanks, honey.

JOE
(starting away)
Good night, Sugar.

In Upper 7, Jerry is lying on his back with his eyes wide
open, listening intently. From OFF comes --

SUGAR'S VOICE
Good night, Josephine.

Jerry props himself up on one elbow, a smug grin of
anticipation on his face.

Sugar gets into Lower 7, closing the curtains. Joe proceeds
down the aisle, mounts the ladder to Upper 2.

In Upper 2, Joe closes the curtains, settles down to sleep.
In the berth below, Bienstock is snoring away. Unable to
take it, Joe clamps the spare pillow over his head.
In Upper 7, Jerry takes a long swig out of the hot water
bottle to get his courage up. Then he parts the curtains
cautiously, drops to the aisle. He leans toward the closed
curtains of Lower 7.

JERRY
(very softly)
Joe -- are you asleep, Joe?

In Lower 7, Sugar, her eyes closed, is drifting off to sleep.

Jerry, satisfied that Joe is asleep, pussyfoots down the
aisle to Berth 2. He listens for a second to Bienstock
snoring, climbs up the ladder to Upper 2.

In Upper 2, Joe lies facing the window. The curtains part
gingerly, and Jerry sticks his head in.

JERRY
(a honeyed whisper)
Sugar -- Sugar baby --

Joe opens his eyes wide, and is about to turn around, but
Jerry puts a restraining hand on his shoulder.

JERRY
(continuing)
Sssh. Don't move. It's me -- Daphne.
We don't want to wake up Bienstock.

He slips into the berth, and the curtains close behind him.
It's pretty dark now. Jerry stretches out on top of the
covers, addresses the back of Joe's head. Joe, a grim
expression on his face, is waiting to see how far Jerry will
go.

JERRY
(continuing; the big
moment)
You know what I promised you before --
that surprise -- well, I better break
it to you gently. In the first place,
I'm not a natural blonde -- as a
matter of fact, there are all sorts
of things about me that are not
natural -- you see, my friend and I --
the reason we're on the train with
you girls -- well, you know those
holes in the bull-fiddle -- that
wasn't mice -- what I'm trying to
say is -- my name isn't really Daphne --
it's Geraldine -- I mean, Jerry --
and you know why it's Jerry? --
because I'm a boy!
He sweeps his blonde wig off. Joe, who's had enough, makes a
move to sit up, but Jerry pushes him back gently.

JERRY
(continuing)
Don't scream, please. Don't spoil it --
it's too beautiful. Just think of
it, you and I -- same berth, opposite
sexes -- male and female -- he and
she -- the moth and the flame --
(takes Joe's hand,
puts it on his heart)
Feel my heart -- like a crazy drum.
(starts kissing Joe's
hand)
I'm mad for you, Sugar.
(breathing heavily)
What are we going to do about it?

Joe has had it. Wheeling around, he grabs Jerry by the front
of his nightgown, starts to shake him like a terrier shaking
a rat.

JERRY
(continuing; nonplussed)
Sugar, what are you doing?
Don't get sore, baby --

Beginning to realize something may be wrong, Jerry reaches
up and switches on the light. There is something wrong.

JOE
(holding Jerry with
one hand, cocking
the other)
Male and female -- the moth and the
flame -- I ought to slug you!

JERRY
(slapping wig back on
his head)
You wouldn't hit a girl, would you?

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

Summary The train wheels start turning again, and Joe leads Sugar to his berth to escape Bienstock's snoring. Jerry, who is in the upper berth, listens in on their conversation and then reveals his true identity to Joe when he thinks Joe is asleep. The scene is playful and light-hearted at first, but Jerry's deception and unwanted advances towards Joe create tension and discomfort. The visual elements include the turning locomotive wheels, the aisle of the Pullman car, and the curtained berths. The scene ends with Joe becoming angry and threatening to hit Jerry when he reveals his true identity.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Comedic timing
  • Romantic tension
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, filled with comedic moments and romantic tension, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of cross-dressing characters in a musical comedy setting is executed well, leading to comedic misunderstandings and romantic entanglements.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters reveal their true identities, leading to confusion and conflict, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its approach to themes of identity and deception, with characters hiding their true selves in a comedic and suspenseful way. The dialogue feels fresh and authentic, adding depth to the characters' actions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the humor and romantic tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the revelation of identities leads to character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain their own identity and protect themselves from potential harm or deception. Joe wants to ensure his own safety and avoid being taken advantage of by others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics and challenges of the train journey, including dealing with other passengers and potential threats to their safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the mistaken identities of the characters, leading to humorous misunderstandings and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The uncertainty of the characters' true identities adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the scene.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on comedic misunderstandings and romantic tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden identities and the unexpected revelations that occur throughout. The audience is kept guessing about the true intentions of the characters and how their secrets will impact the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, deception, and trust. The characters are grappling with the consequences of hiding their true selves and the impact it has on their relationships with others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits emotions of amusement and anticipation, especially with the romantic tension between the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the comedic and romantic elements of the scene effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, fast-paced action, and unexpected plot twists. The tension and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see how the characters' secrets will unfold.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic reveal. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit slow and repetitive, with Jerry and Joe going back and forth about their identities. This could be condensed to make the scene more concise and engaging.
  • The dialogue is a bit clunky and unnatural in places. For example, when Jerry says, "I'm mad for you, Sugar. What are we going to do about it?" it sounds more like something out of a bad romance novel than something a real person would say.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. Joe simply grabs Jerry and starts to shake him, which doesn't really resolve the conflict between them.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or character development in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Condense the scene by cutting out some of the repetitive dialogue.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by having Joe and Jerry come to some sort of resolution about their identities.
  • Add some elements to the scene that will advance the plot or character development, such as having Joe and Jerry discover something new about each other or having them make a decision that will affect their future.



Scene 19 -  Jerry Meets Osgood: A Helping Hand at the Seminole-Ritz
EXT. SEMINOLE-RITZ HOTEL - DAY

The sprawling gingerbread structure basks in the warm Florida
sun, fanned by towering palm trees, and lulled by waves
breaking lazily on the exclusive beach frontage.

Wintertime and the livin' is easy, fish are jumpin' and the
market is high.
The hotel bus chugs up the curved driveway toward the main
entrance, hauling the Society Syncopators fromt he station.
The rear of the bus is loaded with luggage and instruments.
From inside comes the SOUND of girls' voices, singing DOWN
AMONG THE SHELTERING PALMS.

On the hotel veranda, creaking in their rocking chairs, are
a dozen elderly gentlemen. They are all in resort clothes --
white flannels, striped flannels, knickers, Panama hats,
white linen caps -- and they are all reading the Wall Street
Journal. Their combined age must be about a thousand years,
and their combined bank balance just about as many millions.
As they hear the bus drawing up, they stop rocking, and slowly
lower their Wall Street Journals. They are all wearing
sunglasses, and leaning forward, they peer through them at
the new arrivals.

In the driveway, the girls are climbing out of the bus,
luggage and instruments are being unloaded. Jerry helps Sugar
down, while Joe gets their instruments out of the pile. He
hands the bull-fiddle case to Jerry, the ukulele case to
Sugar.

JERRY
(taking the ukulele
from Sugar)
I'll carry the instruments.

SUGAR
Thank you, Daphne.

JOE
(handing Jerry the
saxophone case)
Thank you, Daphne.
(to Sugar)
Isn't she a sweetheart?

He leads her toward the entrance. Jerry, loaded down with
bass fiddle, ukulele and sax, glares after them -- angrily,
then follows them, balancing precariously on his high heels.

On the veranda, the twelve rich dodos remove their sunglasses
to get a better look at the girls. The one nearest to the
steps is OSGOOD FIELDING III.

He is a bit younger than the others, but that still puts him
in his late fifties. He wears white plus-fours, argyle socks,
two-toned shoes, and a gleam in his eye. He tips his Panama
hat rakishly as the girl musicians mount the steps.

Joe and Sugar come up the steps. Joe nudges her, directing
her attention to the old crooks.
JOE
Well, there they are -- more
millionaires than you can shake a
stick at.

SUGAR
I'll bet there isn't one of them
under seventy-five.

JOE
Seventy-five. That's three-quarters
of a century. Makes a girl think.

SUGAR
Yeah, I hope they brought their
grandsons along.

As they pass Osgood Fielding III and start into the lobby,
he tips his Panama jauntily. Then he turns to inspect the
next girl.

The next girl is Jerry, struggling up the steps, loaded with
bass fiddle, saxophone and ukulele. He trips on the top steps,
loses one of his shoes. Osgood jumps up gallantly.

OSGOOD
Just a moment, miss --
(picks up shoe)
May I?

JERRY
(extending his foot
regally)
Help yourself.

OSGOOD
(slipping shoe on)
I am Osgood Fielding the Third.

JERRY
I am Cinderella the Second.

He starts to pull away, but Osgood holds on to his ankle.

OSGOOD
If there is one thing I admire, it's
a girl with a shapely ankle.

JERRY
Me too. Bye now.

OSGOOD
Let me carry one of the instruments.
JERRY
Thank you.
(loading him up with
all the instruments)
Aren't you a sweetheart?

He starts into the lobby, Osgood struggling after him with
the instruments.
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

Summary The Society Syncopators, a group of female musicians, arrive at the Seminole-Ritz Hotel in Florida. As Jerry, a band member, struggles up the steps with several instruments, he is helped by Osgood Fielding III, one of the wealthy elderly men watching from the veranda. The two exchange playful dialogue and enter the hotel lobby together, with Osgood struggling to carry all of Jerry's instruments. The scene is light and humorous, with no major conflicts.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Humorous situations
  • Potential for romantic developments
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up potential conflicts and romantic entanglements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of cross-dressing musicians trying to fit in at an upscale hotel is unique and provides ample opportunities for comedy and romance.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters arrive at the hotel, setting the stage for potential conflicts and romantic developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of identity and social class, with unique character dynamics and witty dialogue that set it apart from traditional narratives.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are engaging, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the humor and interactions in the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there is potential for development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the social dynamics and interactions with the wealthy guests at the hotel while maintaining their own identity and sense of self.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully navigate their arrival at the hotel and interact with the wealthy guests without revealing their true identities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There are hints of potential conflicts arising from the characters' deception and interactions with the older wealthy gentlemen.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, with the wealthy guests serving as obstacles for the protagonist to navigate.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on comedic and romantic elements.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new settings, characters, and potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between the characters and the humorous twists in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to balance their own identity and desires with the expectations and assumptions of the wealthy guests at the hotel. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about class, wealth, and social status.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene is more focused on humor and light-hearted interactions rather than deep emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, playful, and sets up comedic moments and romantic tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, sharp character interactions, and the tension between the protagonist's internal and external goals.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a rhythmic flow that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-defined structure that sets up the conflict and character dynamics effectively, leading to a clear progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It seems to be a collection of random events and interactions without a central focus or theme.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It often feels like the characters are simply exchanging information or reciting facts rather than having a real conversation.
  • The characters are flat and underdeveloped. We don't learn much about their personalities, motivations, or relationships with each other.
  • The setting is not well-established. We don't get a clear sense of where the characters are or what the environment is like.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What information do you want to convey to the audience? What emotion do you want to evoke?
  • Make the dialogue more natural and engaging. Let the characters talk like real people, with their own unique voices and personalities.
  • Develop the characters more fully. Give them clear motivations, goals, and relationships with each other.
  • Establish the setting more clearly. Describe the physical environment and create a sense of atmosphere.
  • End the scene with a sense of resolution or closure. Leave the audience with a clear understanding of what has happened and what the implications are.



Scene 20 -  Jerry's Elevator Escape from Osgood's Advances
INT. LOBBY OF THE SEMINOLE-RITZ - DAY

The lobby is very resort-y -- potted palms, overhead fans,
and a heavy undergrowth of wicker furniture. Osgood, balancing
the instruments, follows Jerry in.

OSGOOD
It certainly is delightful to have
some young blood around here.

JERRY
Personally, I'm Type O.

OSGOOD
You know, I've always been fascinated
by show business.

JERRY
You don't say.

OSGOOD
Yes, indeed. It's cost my family
quite a bit of money.

JERRY
You invest in shows?

OSGOOD
No -- it's showgirls. I've been
married seven or eight times.

JERRY
You're not sure?

OSGOOD
Mama is keeping score. Frankly, she's
getting rather annoyed with me

JERRY
I'm not surprised.

OSGOOD
So this year, when George White's
Scandals opened, she packed me off
to Florida. Right now she thinks I'm
out there on my yacht -- deep-sea
fishing.
JERRY
Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding.
You're barking up the wrong fish.

They come up to the elevator. The doors are just closing on
a load of girl musicians going up.

OSGOOD
If I promise not to be a naughty boy --
how about dinner tonight?

JERRY
Sorry. I'll be on the bandstand.

OSGOOD
Oh, of course. Which of these
instruments do you play?

JERRY
Bull fiddle.

OSGOOD
Fascinating. Do you use a bow or do
you just pluck it?

JERRY
Most of the time I slap it.

OSGOOD
You must be quite a girl.

JERRY
Wanna bet?

OSGOOD
My last wife was an acrobatic dancer --
you know, sort of a contortionist --
she could smoke a cigarette while
holding it between her toes -- Zowie! --
but Mama broke it up.

JERRY
Why?

OSGOOD
She doesn't approve of girls who
smoke.

The elevator has come down again, and the doors open.

JERRY
(reaching for the
instruments)
Goodbye, Mr. Fielding.
OSGOOD
Goodbye?

JERRY
This is where I get off.

OSGOOD
(the naughty boy)
Oh, you don't get off that easy.

He eases her into the elevator, follows with the instruments.

OSGOOD
(continuing; to
elevator operator)
All right, driver. Once around the
park. Slowly. And keep your eyes on
the road.

The door closes. CAMERA PANS UP to the floor indicator. The
arrow moves smoothly past the second floor, then stops
abruptly, jiggles violently, starts down again. CAMERA PANS
DOWN. The elevator door opens.

JERRY
(outraged womanhood)
What kind of girl do you think I am,
Mr. Fielding?

He slaps Osgood's face, takes the instruments from him.

OSGOOD
Please. It won't happen again.

JERRY
No, thank you. I'll walk.

He stalks out of the elevator with the instruments, starts
indignantly up the stairs. Osgood stands holding his cheek,
looking after him enraptured.

OSGOOD
Zowie!
Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

Summary Jerry, a young musician, meets Osgood, an older wealthy man, in the lobby of the Seminole-Ritz. Osgood reveals his history of multiple marriages and current avoidance of his disapproving mother. Mistaking Jerry's intentions, he follows her into an elevator and continues to flirt despite her protests. The elevator malfunctions, leading to Jerry slapping Osgood and storming off, resolving the conflict.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is entertaining, engaging, and well-written, with strong comedic elements and character interactions that keep the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a man disguised as a woman interacting with a wealthy man in a resort setting is unique and adds humor and charm to the scene.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and provides comedic relief, enhancing the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene features original situations and fresh dialogue that create a unique and engaging dynamic between the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and humor to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jerry and Osgood are well-developed, with distinct personalities and engaging interactions that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 4

While there is a subtle shift in Jerry's interactions with Osgood, there is not a significant character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his professional integrity and avoid getting involved in Osgood's advances. This reflects his desire to focus on his music career and not be distracted by romantic or personal entanglements.

External Goal: 7

Jerry's external goal is to navigate the awkward situation with Osgood and maintain his professionalism. He wants to avoid any misunderstandings or complications that could affect his reputation as a musician.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is primarily comedic and revolves around the mistaken identity of Jerry and the flirtatious interactions with Osgood.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Osgood's advances creating a difficult situation for Jerry to navigate. The audience is unsure of how Jerry will handle the awkward interactions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on comedic interactions and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides character development and adds depth to the relationships, but does not significantly move the main plot forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the different values and priorities of Jerry and Osgood. Osgood's casual attitude towards relationships and his focus on pleasure contrasts with Jerry's dedication to his music and professionalism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits light-hearted emotions and amusement from the audience, but does not delve deeply into emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and flirtatious dialogue between Jerry and Osgood is a highlight of the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and adding humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, comedic timing, and playful interactions between the characters. The humor and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed dialogue and action beats that keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines that are easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic interaction between characters, with clear dialogue and action beats that drive the scene forward.


Critique
    Suggestions



      Scene 21 -  Bienstock's Room Assignments and Sugar's Search for a Kind Millionaire
      INT. FOURTH FLOOR CORRIDOR - DAY

      This is the floor on which the girls are billeted. Sugar,
      Joe and the other Society Syncopators are gathered around
      Bienstock and Sue, while bellhops are bringing up the luggage.

      BIENSTOCK
      (holding up a list)
      All right, girls -- here are your
      room assignments.
      (tapping his pockets)
      My glasses -- where are my glasses?
      As he continues to search, Sue takes the list from him, starts
      to read it off.

      SUE
      Olga and Mary Lou in 412 -- and Mary
      Lou, keep your kimono buttoned when
      you ring for room service -- Josephine
      and Daphne in 413 -- Dolores and
      Sugar in 414 --

      DOLORES
      Me and Sugar?

      SUE
      What did you expect -- a one-legged
      jockey?

      Joe and Sugar are moving on toward their rooms.

      SUGAR
      I wish they'd put us in the same
      room.

      JOE
      So do I. But don't worry -- we'll be
      seeing a lot of each other.

      They reach the door of 414, and Sugar opens it.

      SUGAR
      (ruefully)
      414 -- that's the same room number I
      had in Cincinnati -- my last time
      around with a male band. What a heel
      he was.

      JOE
      Saxophone player?

      SUGAR
      What else? And was I ever crazy about
      him. Two in the morning, he sent me
      down for knackwurst and potato salad --
      they were out of potato salad, so I
      brought coleslaw -- so he threw it
      right in my face.

      JOE
      Forget it, Sugar, will you? Forget
      about saxophone players. You're going
      to meet a millionaire -- a young
      one.

      SUGAR
      What makes you so sure?
      JOE
      Just my feminine intuition.

      She smiles gratefully at him as she enters 414. Joe crosses
      to the open door of 413, goes in.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

      Summary The scene takes place on the fourth floor corridor during the day, where the girls are billeted. Bienstock assigns rooms to the girls, including Sugar and Joe, who express their desire to share a room but are given separate ones. Sugar shares a story about a previous saxophone player who treated her poorly, and Joe reassures her that she will meet a kind millionaire soon. The scene ends with Joe entering his room, while Sugar enters hers.
      Strengths
      • Humorous dialogue
      • Romantic tension
      • Character dynamics
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal conflict
      • Low stakes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up romantic dynamics effectively.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mistaken identities, romantic entanglements, and comedic situations is well-executed.

      Plot: 7

      The plot progresses as the characters settle into their rooms and establish relationships, setting the stage for further developments.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of moving on from past relationships and finding new love. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations driving their actions.

      Character Changes: 5

      There is minimal character change in this scene, but it sets the stage for potential growth in future interactions.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Sugar's internal goal is to move on from her past experiences with saxophone players and find a new, better relationship. This reflects her desire for a fresh start and to find happiness.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to settle into her new room and adjust to her surroundings. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a new environment.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 4

      The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and relationships.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in the scene is mild, with the characters facing internal conflicts rather than external obstacles.

      High Stakes: 3

      The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and comedic moments.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by establishing key relationships and dynamics among the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and twists in the characters' interactions.

      Philosophical Conflict: 8

      The philosophical conflict is between holding onto past hurt and moving forward to find happiness. Sugar's past experiences with saxophone players represent a negative view of relationships, while Joe's optimism and belief in a better future challenge her beliefs.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, nostalgia, and anticipation.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals character dynamics effectively.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between characters, the hint of romance, and the anticipation of what will happen next.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a mix of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a screenplay.


      Critique
      • The blocking of the scene is unclear. Who's moving around, where are they moving to, etc.?
      • There's a lot of exposition in this scene. Consider finding more interesting ways to convey this information.
      • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. Try to make it sound more like how people actually talk.
      • The scene doesn't really have a clear purpose. What is the point of it? What is the writer trying to accomplish in this scene?
      • The scene could use more conflict. The characters are all getting along too well and there's not much tension.
      Suggestions
      • Start the scene with a clear establishing shot that shows the setting and the characters.
      • Use more active verbs and shorter sentences in the dialogue.
      • Consider adding some conflict to the scene. This could be a disagreement between the characters, a threat from an outside force, or even just a misunderstanding.
      • Give the scene a clear purpose. What is the writer trying to accomplish in this scene? What information is being conveyed to the audience?
      • Consider cutting some of the exposition. Instead, try to find more interesting ways to convey this information. For example, you could use dialogue, or you could show the characters interacting with the setting.



      Scene 22 -  Financial Constraints and a Missing Suitcase
      INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

      It's a small room, twin-beds, more wicker, adjoining bathroom.
      Outside the French windows is a balcony, giving on the ocean.

      As Joe comes in, a BELLHOP is just setting down some suitcases --
      two of them are Joe's and Jerry's, the third is a somewhat
      more elegant model in brown cloth with a white stripe down
      the middle and the initials B.B. The Bellhop, a fresh punk
      of seventeen, turns to Joe.

      BELLHOP
      Are these your bags?

      JOE
      Yes. And that one, too.

      BELLHOP
      Okay, doll.

      JOE
      I suppose you want a tip?

      BELLHOP
      Forget it, doll. After all, you work
      here -- I work here -- and believe
      you me, it's nice to have you with
      the organization.

      JOE
      Bye.

      BELLHOP
      (the young Clark Gable)
      Listen, doll -- what time do you get
      off tonight?

      JOE
      Why?

      BELLHOP
      Because I'm working the night shift --
      and I got a bottle of gin stashed
      away -- and as soon as there's a
      lull --

      JOE
      Aren't you a little too young for
      that, sonny?
      BELLHOP
      Wanna see my driver's license?

      JOE
      Get lost, will you?

      BELLHOP
      That's the way I like 'em -- big and
      sassy.
      (at the door)
      And get rid of your roommate.

      He pulls out his bow tie, which is on an elastic, lets in
      snap back like an exclamation point. Joe looks after him
      grimly, then his eyes fall on the suitcase with the stripe,
      and he shoves it quickly under the bed. The door opens again,
      and Joe whirls around. Jerry comes staggering in breathlessly
      with the instruments, kicks the door shut with his foot.

      JERRY
      Why, that dirty old man!

      He throws the instruments disgustedly on one of the beds.

      JOE
      What happened?

      JERRY
      I got pinched in the elevator.

      JOE
      Well, now you know how the other
      half lives.

      JERRY
      (looking in the mirror)
      And I'm not even pretty.

      JOE
      They don't care -- just as long as
      you wear skirts. It's like waving a
      red flag in front of a bull.

      JERRY
      I'm tired of being a flag. I want to
      be a bull again. Lets get out of
      here, Joe. Let's blow.

      JOE
      Blow where?

      JERRY
      You promised -- the minute we hit
      Florida, we were going to beat it.
      JOE
      How can we? We're broke.

      JERRY
      We can get a job with another band.
      A male band.

      JOE
      Listen, stupid -- right now Spats
      Colombo and his chums are looking
      for us in every male band in the
      country.

      JERRY
      But this is so humiliating.

      JOE
      So you got pinched in the elevator.
      So what? Would you rather be picking
      lead out of your navel?

      JERRY
      All right, all right!
      (rips off his hat and
      wig, tosses them on
      the bed)
      But how long can we keep this up?

      JOE
      What's the beef? We're sitting pretty.
      We get room and board -- we get paid
      every week -- there's the palm trees
      and the flying fish --

      JERRY
      What are you giving me with the flying
      fish? I know why you want to stick
      around -- you're after Sugar.

      JOE
      (holier-than-thou)
      Me? After Sugar?

      JERRY
      I watched you two on the bus -- lovey-
      dovey -- whispering and giggling and
      borrowing each other's lipstick --

      JOE
      What are you talking about? Sugar
      and me, we're just like sisters.

      JERRY
      Yeah? Well, I'm your fairy godmother --
      and I'm keeping an eye on you.
      There is a KNOCK on the door.

      BIENSTOCK'S VOICE
      Are you decent?

      Joe pulls Jerry's wig out of the hat, jams it down his head.

      JOE
      Come in.

      Bienstock comes in.

      BIENSTOCK
      You girls have seen a brown bag with
      a white stripe and my initials?

      JERRY
      A what?

      BIENSTOCK
      My suitcase -- with all my resort
      clothes.

      JOE
      (glancing down)
      No, we haven't.

      BIENSTOCK
      Can't understand it. First my glasses
      disappear -- then one of my suitcases --

      Sugar appears in the doorway behind him.

      SUGAR
      Where's my ukulele?

      BIENSTOCK
      -- now a ukulele? There must be a
      sneak thief around here.

      He goes out, shaking his head in puzzlement.

      JERRY
      (handing her the
      ukulele)
      Here you are, Sugar.

      SUGAR
      A bunch of us girls are going for a
      swim. Want to come along?

      JERRY
      You betcha.
      JOE
      Wait a minute, Daphne. You haven't
      got a bathing suit.

      SUGAR
      She doesn't need one. I don't have
      one either.

      JERRY
      (to Joe)
      See? She doesn't have one either --
      (to Sugar)
      You don't?

      SUGAR
      We'll rent some at the bathhouse.
      How about you, Josephine?

      JOE
      No, thanks. I'd rather stay in and
      soak in a hot tub.

      He steps into the bathroom, turns on the faucet.

      JERRY
      Yeah -- let her soak. Come on.

      JOE
      Don't get burned, Daphne.

      SUGAR
      Oh, I have some suntan lotion.

      JERRY
      She'll rub it on me -- and I'll rub
      it on her -- and we'll rub it on
      each other -- bye.

      He ushers Sugar out in high spirits. Joe looks after them,
      then quickly locks the hall door, and stepping into the
      bathroom, turns off the water. He hurries over to the bed,
      slides out Bienstock's suitcase, opens it. It's crammed full
      of resort clothes -- and Joe takes out a blazer, flannel
      pants, and a yachting cap, which he perches on his head.
      Then he lifts his skirt above his knee, pulls out Bienstock's
      glasses from under his garter. He puts them on, peers around
      myopically. His enlarged eyes are grotesque -- but then again,
      so is his scheme.

      DISSOLVE TO:
      Genres: ["Comedy","Musical","Romance"]

      Summary Joe and a bellhop bring in the suitcases, including Bienstock's, which Joe hides under the bed. Jerry, having been pinched in the elevator, expresses his desire to leave, but they are broke. Bienstock enters looking for his suitcase and Sugar comes in for her ukulele, inviting Jerry to go swimming. The scene ends with Jerry and Sugar leaving to go swimming and Joe staying behind.
      Strengths
      • Engaging characters
      • Witty dialogue
      • Comedic elements
      Weaknesses
      • Some cliched elements
      • Slight predictability in certain interactions

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-written, engaging, and entertaining, with a good balance of humor, character interactions, and plot development.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of two men disguising themselves as women to escape danger and join a girls' orchestra is unique and sets up a comedic and entertaining scenario.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as the characters navigate their disguises, interact with each other, and face challenges, leading to comedic situations and character development.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of deception and identity, blending humor with deeper philosophical questions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the narrative.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed, engaging, and humorous, with distinct personalities and interactions that drive the scene forward.

      Character Changes: 7

      The characters experience growth, challenges, and comedic situations that drive their development and interactions in the scene.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain their disguise and continue their scheme without being caught. This reflects their desire for survival and adaptability in challenging situations.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being discovered by the other characters, particularly Bienstock, who is looking for his missing suitcase. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining their deception and avoiding consequences.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      There is conflict in the scene as the characters navigate their disguises, face challenges, and interact with each other, leading to comedic and engaging moments.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that add tension and conflict to the story. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 6

      While the stakes are not extremely high, the characters face challenges, deception, and comedic situations that drive the scene forward and engage the audience.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, interactions, and comedic elements that advance the plot and character development.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the comedic situations that arise. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of identity and deception. The protagonist's actions challenge traditional notions of gender and societal expectations, leading to humorous and thought-provoking interactions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene elicits amusement, light-heartedness, and engagement from the audience, with moments of humor and character interactions.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the personalities of the characters and driving the comedic tone of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, comedic interactions, and playful tone. The characters' banter and humorous situations keep the audience entertained and invested in the story.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and engagement.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and comedic beats. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It starts with a bellhop making inappropriate advances towards Joe, then shifts to Jerry's frustration with being treated like a woman, followed by Joe trying to convince Jerry to stay, and finally ends with Joe planning to use Bienstock's clothes and glasses as a disguise. These elements feel disjointed and don't contribute to a coherent narrative.
      • The dialogue, especially between Joe and Jerry, is repetitive and lacks depth. They keep restating their positions without much development or resolution.
      • The characterization of the bellhop is one-dimensional and stereotypical. He is portrayed as a young, vulgar, and persistent suitor with little else to his personality.
      • The scene's pacing is slow and uneventful. There is a lack of tension or conflict to keep the reader engaged.
      Suggestions
      • Determine the purpose of the scene and focus on developing it more clearly. Consider what key information needs to be conveyed or what character development or conflict needs to be advanced.
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more engaging and meaningful. Give the characters more distinct voices and motivations, and let them drive the conversation forward.
      • Expand the bellhop's characterization to make him more relatable and interesting. Explore his motivations, his background, and how he interacts with other characters.
      • Add some tension or conflict to the scene to raise the stakes and keep the reader engaged. This could involve introducing an obstacle for the characters, a clash of ideologies, or a threat to their goals.



      Scene 23 -  Girls' Day Out on the Beach: A Chance Encounter with Joe
      EXT. BEACH - DAY
      To the accompaniment of BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA, several girls
      from the band, in bathing suits and caps, are running into
      the surf. The other girls are already in the water, splashing
      around and frolicking like a school of playful porpoises.
      There is no sign of Jerry. Sugar, standing up to her waist
      in water, suddenly lets out a startled SQUEAL, slaps the
      surface of the water behind her.

      SUGAR
      Daphne! Cut that out!

      Jerry comes diving up, spouting water like a dolphin. He is
      wearing a girls' knitted bathing suit with a short skirt,
      and a rubber cap.

      SUGAR
      (continuing)
      What do you think you're doing?

      JERRY
      Just a little trick I picked up in
      the elevator.

      A good-sized wave comes rolling in.

      JERRY
      (continuing)
      Oooh. Here comes a big one.

      He grabs Sugar, holding on to her tightly. The wave breaks
      over them, sweeps them off their feet.

      Strolling casually along the beach is Joe. He is wearing
      Bienstock's blazer (crest and eight gold buttons), flannel
      slacks (bell-bottom), a silk scarf, a yachting cap, and the
      glasses (which blur his vision considerably). In his hand he
      carries a rolled-up copy of the Wall Street Journal. He looks
      off toward the ocean.

      The girls are scampering out of the water, and some of them
      start to toss a beach ball around. Sugar and Jerry come
      running up to the beach hand in hand. They take their caps
      off, and Sugar puts on a short terry-cloth jacket.

      Jerry jumps around on one foot, his head tilted, shaking the
      water out of his ear, then starts to rub himself off with a
      towel.

      SUGAR
      (studying him)
      You know, Daphne -- I had no idea
      you were such a big girl.

      JERRY
      You should have seen me before I
      went on a diet.
      SUGAR
      I mean, your shoulders -- and your
      arms --

      JERRY
      That's from carrying around the bull
      fiddle.

      SUGAR
      But there's one thing I envy you
      for.

      JERRY
      What's that?

      SUGAR
      You're so flat-chested. Clothes hang
      so much better on you than they do
      on me.

      DOLORES' VOICE
      (from off)
      Look out, Daphne!

      The beach ball comes sailing INTO SHOT, and Jerry catches
      it.

      JERRY
      Come on, Sugar -- let's play.

      He takes Sugar's hand, skips off with her to join the other
      girls.

      Joe, meanwhile, has come up to a basket chair nearby. Sitting
      in front of it, sorting sea shells out for a small pail, is
      a BOY of five. A few feet away stands his MOTHER, calling to
      him.

      MOTHER
      Let's go, Junior. Time for your nap.

      JUNIOR
      Nah. I wanna play.

      JOE
      (out of the corner of
      his mouth)
      You heard your mudder, Junior. Scram.

      They boy looks up at him, fearfully.

      JOE
      (continuing)
      This beach ain't big enough for both
      of us.
      The boy scrambles to his feet, and screaming "Mommy," runs
      off, leaving the pailful of shells behind. Joe settles himself
      in the chair, peers over his shoulder toward the girls playing
      ball.

      The girls, Sugar and Jerry among them, are standing in a
      wide circle, tossing the beach ball around and chanting
      rhythmically: "I love coffee, I love tea, how many boys are
      stuck on me? One, two, three, four, five -- "

      There is a wild throw over Sugar's head, in the direction of
      Joe's chair. Sugar turns and runs after the ball to retrieve
      it.

      This is exactly what Joe has been waiting for. As the ball
      comes rolling past, he unfolds the Wall Street Journal,
      pretends to be reading it. Just as Sugar runs by, Joe extends
      his foot a couple of inches -- enough to trip her and send
      her sprawling to the sand.

      JOE
      (lowering paper; Cary
      Grant by now)
      Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

      SUGAR
      My fault.

      JOE
      (helping her up)
      You're not hurt, are you?

      SUGAR
      I don't think so.

      JOE
      I wish you'd make sure.

      SUGAR
      Why?

      JOE
      Because usually, when people find
      out who I am, they get themselves a
      wheel chair and a shyster lawyer,
      and sue me for a quarter of a million
      dollars.

      SUGAR
      Well, don't worry. I won't sue you --
      no matter who you are.

      JOE
      (returning to chair)
      Thank you.
      SUGAR
      Who are you?

      JOE
      Now, really --

      Jerry and the other girls are looking off toward Sugar,
      waiting for the ball.

      JERRY
      Hey, Sugar -- come on.

      Sugar picks up the ball.

      JOE
      (blase)
      So long.

      He buries himself behind the Wall Street Journal again.
      Sugar hesitates for a second, then throws the ball back to
      the girls. She steps closer to Joe, peers around the paper,
      studying him.

      SUGAR
      Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

      JOE
      (without looking up)
      Not very likely.

      SUGAR
      Are you staying at the hotel?

      JOE
      Not at all.

      SUGAR
      Your face is familiar.

      JOE
      Possible you saw it in a newspaper --
      or magazine -- Vanity Fair --

      SUGAR
      That must be it.

      JOE
      (waving her aside)
      Would you mind moving just a little?
      You're blocking my view.

      SUGAR
      Your view of what?
      JOE
      They run up a red-and-white flag on
      the yacht when it's time for
      cocktails.

      SUGAR
      (snapping at the bait)
      You have a yacht?

      She turns and looks seaward at a half-a-dozen yachts of
      different sizes bobbing in the distance.

      SUGAR
      (continuing)
      Which one is yours -- the big one?

      JOE
      Certainly not. With all that unrest
      in the world, I don't think anybody
      should have a yacht that sleeps more
      than twelve.

      SUGAR
      I quite agree. Tell me, who runs up
      that flag -- your wife?

      JOE
      No, my flag steward.

      SUGAR
      And who mixes the cocktails -- your
      wife?

      JOE
      No, my cocktail steward. Look, if
      you're interested in whether I'm
      married or not --

      SUGAR
      I'm not interested at all.

      JOE
      Well, I'm not.

      SUGAR
      That's very interesting.

      Joe resumes reading the paper. Sugar sits on the sand beside
      his chair.

      SUGAR
      (continuing)
      How's the stock market?
      JOE
      (lackadaisically)
      Up, up, up.

      SUGAR
      I'll bet just while we were talking,
      you made like a hundred thousand
      dollars.

      JOE
      Could be. Do you play the market?

      SUGAR
      No -- the ukulele. And I sing.

      JOE
      For your own amusement?

      SUGAR
      Well -- a group of us are appearing
      at the hotel. Sweet Sue and Her
      Society Syncopators.

      JOE
      You're society girls?

      SUGAR
      Oh, yes. Quite. You know -- Vassar,
      Bryn Mawr -- we're only doing this
      for a lark.

      JOE
      Syncopators -- does that mean you
      play that fast music -- jazz?

      SUGAR
      Yeah. Real hot.

      JOE
      Oh. Well, I guess some like it hot.
      But personally, I prefer classical
      music.

      SUGAR
      So do I. As a matter of fact, I spent
      three years at the Sheboygan
      Conservatory of Music.

      JOE
      Good school! And your family doesn't
      object to your career?
      SUGAR
      They do indeed. Daddy threatened to
      cut me off without a cent, but I
      don't care. It was such a bore --
      coming-out parties, cotillions --

      JOE
      Inauguration balls --

      SUGAR
      Opening of the Opera --

      JOE
      Riding to hounds --

      SUGAR
      -- and always the same Four Hundred.

      JOE
      You know, it's amazing we never ran
      into each other before. I'm sure I
      would have remembered anybody as
      attractive as you.

      SUGAR
      You're very kind. I'll bet you're
      also very gentle -- and helpless --

      JOE
      I beg your pardon?

      SUGAR
      You see, I have this theory about
      men with glasses.

      JOE
      What theory?

      SUGAR
      Maybe I'll tell you when I know you
      a little better. What are you doing
      tonight?

      JOE
      Tonight?

      SUGAR
      I thought you might like to come to
      the hotel and hear us play.

      JOE
      I'd like to -- but it may be rather
      difficult.

      SUGAR
      Why?
      JOE
      (his eyes on the pail
      with the shells)
      I only come ashore twice a day --
      when the tide goes out.

      SUGAR
      Oh?

      JOE
      It's on the account of the shells.
      That's my hobby.

      SUGAR
      You collect shells?

      JOE
      (taking a handful of
      shells from the pail)
      Yes. So did my father and my
      grandfather -- we've all had this
      passion for shells -- that's why we
      named the oil company after it.

      SUGAR
      (wide-eyed)
      Shell Oil?

      JOE
      Please -- no names. Just call me
      Junior.

      By this time, the ball game is breaking up, and Jerry
      approaches Sugar and Joe.

      JERRY
      Come on, Sugar -- time to change for
      dinner.

      SUGAR
      Run along, Daphne -- I'll catch up
      with you.

      JERRY
      (a casual glance at
      Joe)
      Okay.

      He takes a couple of steps away from them, freezes, comes
      back and stares at Joe open-mouthed.

      JOE
      What is it, young lady? What are you
      staring at?
      JERRY
      (points; speechless)
      You -- you --

      JOE
      (to Sugar)
      This happens to me all the time in
      public.

      SUGAR
      (to Jerry)
      I recognized him too -- his picture
      was in Vanity Fair.

      JERRY
      Vanity Fair?

      JOE
      (waving him aside)
      Would you mind moving along, please?

      SUGAR
      Yes, you're in the way. He's waiting
      for a signal from his yacht.

      JERRY
      His yacht?

      SUGAR
      It sleeps twelve.
      (to Joe)
      This is my friend Daphne. She's a
      Vassar girl.

      JERRY
      I'm a what?

      SUGAR
      Or was it Bryn Mawr?

      JOE
      (to Jerry)
      I heard a very sad story about a
      girl who went to Bryn Mawr. She
      squealed on her roommate, and they
      found her strangled with her own
      brassiere.

      JERRY
      (grimly)
      Yes -- you have to be very careful
      about picking a roommate.

      SUGAR
      Well, I guess I'd better go --
      JOE
      It's been delightful meeting you
      both.

      SUGAR
      And you will come to hear us tonight?

      JOE
      If it's at all possible --

      JERRY
      Oh, please do come. Don't disappoint
      us. It'll be such fun. And bring
      your yacht.

      SUGAR
      Come on, Daphne.

      She leads Jerry away. Joe throws them a casual salute.

      As Jerry and Sugar move off, Jerry looks over his shoulder.

      JERRY
      Well, I'll be -- ! How about that
      guy?

      SUGAR
      Now look, Daphne -- hands off -- I
      saw him first.

      JERRY
      Sugar, dear -- let me give you some
      advice. If I were a girl -- and I am --
      I'd watch my step.

      SUGAR
      If I'd been watching my step, I never
      would have met him. Wait till I tell
      Josephine.

      JERRY
      Yeah -- Josephine.

      SUGAR
      Will she be surprised. I just can't
      wait to see her face --

      JERRY
      Neither can I. Come on -- lets go up
      to her room and tell her -- right
      now.

      He grabs her hand, starts to run toward the hotel.

      SUGAR
      We don't have to run.
      JERRY
      Oh yes, we do!

      DISSOLVE TO:
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

      Summary The band girls, including Jerry dressed as Daphne, spend a day at the beach. Jerry plays in the water with the girls, while Joe, disguised and reading the Wall Street Journal, trips Sugar. They strike up a conversation, and Jerry recognizes Joe from his Vanity Fair picture. Initially upset, Jerry's feelings are soothed when Sugar introduces them. The scene is light-hearted and playful, with Joe and Sugar sharing a friendly conversation. The beach setting, girls playing in the water, and Joe's newspaper create a relaxed atmosphere. The scene concludes with Jerry and Sugar leaving to inform Josephine about meeting Joe.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Engaging character interactions
      • Humorous situations
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of deep emotional engagement
      • Relatively low stakes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up potential romantic tension between the characters. The dialogue is witty and the interactions are entertaining.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mistaken identities, cross-dressing, and flirtation in a beach setting is well-executed and adds humor and intrigue to the scene.

      Plot: 7

      The plot progresses as the characters interact and establish relationships, setting up potential conflicts and romantic entanglements.

      Originality: 9

      The scene features unique situations, fresh dialogue, and authentic character interactions that set it apart from typical beach scenes. The characters' banter and playful dynamics add originality to the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene and create comedic moments.

      Character Changes: 5

      There are subtle hints of character development, especially in the potential romantic relationships and the characters' interactions.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to have fun and enjoy the moment, while also trying to impress Sugar and fit in with the group of girls.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to interact with Sugar and potentially impress her with his charm and wit.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 5

      There is a mild conflict in the scene, mostly driven by misunderstandings and mistaken identities, adding to the comedic tone.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in the scene is subtle, with moments of conflict and tension between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the interactions will unfold, adding a layer of intrigue to the scene.

      High Stakes: 4

      The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor, romance, and character interactions.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by establishing relationships, setting up potential conflicts, and introducing new elements to the plot.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the humorous twists in the dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes by the playful and surprising moments.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict between Sugar's carefree attitude towards life and Joe's more sophisticated and detached demeanor. This conflict challenges Sugar's beliefs about relationships and social status.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene elicits positive emotions such as amusement, intrigue, and anticipation, but not deep emotional engagement.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals character traits and relationships. It adds humor and depth to the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, playful interactions, and humorous moments. The characters' banter and dynamic relationships keep the audience entertained and invested in the story.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and dialogue. It progresses smoothly and effectively sets up the dynamics between the characters.


      Critique
      • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
      • The dialogue is too exposition-heavy. The characters spend a lot of time explaining things to each other that the reader could easily infer from the context.
      • The scene lacks conflict. The characters are all getting along too well, and there's no tension or drama to keep the reader engaged.
      • The character of Jerry is not well-developed. He's mostly just a sidekick to Sugar, and he doesn't have any clear goals or motivations of his own.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The reader is left hanging, wondering what will happen next.
      Suggestions
      • Cut down the scene by about a third, focusing on the most important moments.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and less exposition-heavy.
      • Add some conflict to the scene, such as a disagreement between the characters or a threat from an outside force.
      • Develop the character of Jerry by giving him more backstory and motivations.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict or setting up a new one.



      Scene 24 -  The Case of the Missing Josephine and the Excited Sugar
      INT. FOURTH FLOOR CORRIDOR - DAY

      Jerry, holding Sugar by the hand, comes running down the
      corridor from the elevator. He flings open the door of 413,
      pulls Sugar inside.

      INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

      Jerry and Sugar stop breathlessly, look around. The room is
      empty.

      JERRY
      Josephine --

      SUGAR
      I guess she's not in here.

      JERRY
      That's funny. Josie --
      (sees Josephine's
      dress on a hanger;
      smugly)
      I can't imagine where she can be.

      SUGAR
      Well, I'll come back later.

      JERRY
      No, no, Sugar -- wait. I have a
      feeling she's going to show up any
      minute.

      SUGAR
      (sitting down)
      Believe it or not -- Josephine
      predicted the whole thing.

      JERRY
      Yeah. This is one for Ripley.

      SUGAR
      Do you suppose she went out shopping?

      JERRY
      That's it. Something tells me she's
      going to walk through that door in a
      whole new outfit.
      He opens the door, peers out into the corridor expecting Joe
      to show up in the yachting outfit. At the same time, through
      the partly open door of the bathroom, comes Josephine's VOICE,
      singing "RUNNING WILD."

      Jerry does a double-take. Sugar starts toward the bathroom
      door and opens it. Jerry follows her, incredulously.

      In the bathroom, Joe with his wig on, is lying languidly in
      the tub taking a bubble-bath, up to his neck in white foam.

      SUGAR
      Josephine.

      JOE
      Oh, I didn't hear you come in.

      Jerry looks back toward the windows, trying to figure out
      how Joe got in.

      SUGAR
      The most wonderful thing happened --

      JOE
      What?

      SUGAR
      Guess!

      JOE
      They repealed Prohibition?

      JERRY
      Oh, come on -- you can do better
      than that.

      SUGAR
      I met one of them.

      JOE
      One of whom?

      SUGAR
      Shell Oil, Junior. He's got millions --
      he's got glasses -- and he's got a
      yacht.

      JOE
      (beaming)
      You don't say!

      JERRY
      He's not only got a yacht, he's got
      a bicycle.
      JOE
      (warningly)
      Daphne --
      (to Sugar)
      Go on -- tell me all about him.

      SUGAR
      Well, he's young and handsome and a
      bachelor -- and he's a real gentleman --
      not one of these grabbers.

      JOE
      Maybe you'd better go after him --
      if you don't want to lose him.

      SUGAR
      Oh, I'm not going to let this one
      get away. He's so cute -- collects
      shells.

      JOE
      Shells? Whatever for?

      JERRY
      You know -- the old shell game.

      JOE
      Daphne, you're bothering us.

      SUGAR
      Anyway, you're going to meet him
      tonight.

      JOE
      I am?

      SUGAR
      Because he said he's coming to hear
      us play -- maybe.

      JERRY
      What do you mean, maybe? I saw the
      way he looked at you. He'll be there
      for sure.

      SUGAR
      I hope so.

      JERRY
      What do you think, Josephine? What
      does it say in your crystal ball?

      Joe glares at him. Meanwhile, Dolores has come into the room
      in her wet bathing suit and carrying a dripping rubber horse.
      She sticks her head into the bathroom.
      DOLORES
      Hey, Sugar, you got the key? I'm
      locked out and I'm making a puddle
      in the hall.

      SUGAR
      (to Joe and Jerry)
      See you on the bandstand, girls.

      She follows Dolores out, closing the door. Joe and Jerry are
      alone now. The atmosphere is tense. They look at each other
      steely-eyed.

      JOE
      (finally)
      Wise guy, huh? Trying to louse me up --

      JERRY
      And what are you trying to do to
      poor Sugar? Putting on that
      millionaire act -- and that phony
      accent --
      (a la Cary Grant)
      Nobody talks like that! I've seen
      you pull some low tricks on dames --
      but this is the trickiest and the
      lowest and the meanest --

      His words trail off as he sees Joe rise slowly out of the
      tub. The mystery of his quick change is now solved -- he
      didn't change at all. He is fully dressed in Bienstock's
      outfit, and is clutching the yachting cap. As he emerges
      from the bathtub, covered with suds, he looks like some
      diabolique monster. He advances on Jerry menacingly.

      JERRY
      (continuing)
      I'm not scared of you --
      (retreating)
      I may be small, but I'm wiry -
      (retreating some more)
      When I'm aroused, I'm a tiger!

      By this time he is up against the wall. Joe is closing in on
      him.

      JERRY
      (continuing
      conciliatory)
      Don't look at me like that, Joe -- I
      didn't mean any harm -- it was just
      a little joke -- don't worry -- I'll
      press the suit myself.

      The phone RINGS.
      JERRY
      (continuing)
      Telephone --

      Joe closes in relentlessly.

      JERRY
      (continuing)
      You better answer the phone --

      Joe slams the sopping cap on Jerry's head. As Jerry coughs
      and splutters, Joe picks up the RINGING phone.

      JOE
      Hello --
      (remembering he is a
      girl, pitches voice
      higher)
      Hello -- yes, this is 413 -- ship-to-
      shore? -- all right, I'll take it.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Musical"]

      Summary Jerry and Sugar enter Room 413 looking for Josephine, who is actually taking a bubble bath in the bathroom. Dolores interrupts the conversation, and Sugar leaves with her, while Jerry and Josephine are left alone, with Jerry suspicious of Josephine's whereabouts and Josephine relaxed in her bath.
      Strengths
      • Clever dialogue
      • Engaging character interactions
      • Humorous tone
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal character development
      • Low emotional impact

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-written with clever dialogue, comedic situations, and engaging character interactions. It effectively sets up conflicts and relationships that will play out later in the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mistaken identities and comedic misunderstandings is executed well in this scene. It sets up the tone for the rest of the story and introduces key elements that will drive the plot forward.

      Plot: 7

      The plot in this scene revolves around the mistaken identities of Joe and Jerry, leading to humorous situations and misunderstandings. It sets up conflicts and relationships that will develop further in the story.

      Originality: 9

      The scene features original situations and fresh approaches to comedy, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add to the humor and charm of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in this scene, particularly Joe, Jerry, and Sugar, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions and dialogue drive the humor and dynamics of the scene.

      Character Changes: 5

      There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on comedic situations and misunderstandings rather than deep character development.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Jerry's internal goal is to maintain control of the situation and keep up the facade of being in charge, even when faced with unexpected circumstances.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to keep up the charade of being a millionaire and impress Sugar with his fake persona.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      The conflict in this scene is primarily driven by the mistaken identities of Joe and Jerry, leading to humorous misunderstandings and tension between the characters.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and obstacles that add tension and conflict to the story.

      High Stakes: 5

      The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on comedic misunderstandings and light-hearted interactions between the characters.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by setting up key relationships, conflicts, and plot points that will be further developed in the narrative. It introduces important elements that will drive the story.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience on their toes.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around identity and deception, as the characters struggle with maintaining their false personas and revealing their true selves.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene has a light-hearted and humorous tone, with moments of amusement and playfulness. It doesn't evoke deep emotional responses but keeps the audience entertained.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in this scene is witty, humorous, and engaging. It effectively conveys the personalities of the characters and drives the comedic tone of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and comedic situations that keep the audience entertained and invested in the characters.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace that keeps the audience engaged and entertained.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that are easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic genre, with a setup, conflict, and resolution that flow smoothly and engage the audience.


      Critique
      • The scene begins with Jerry and Sugar entering room 413 looking for Josephine, who is not there. Jerry is confident she will show up soon, but Sugar reveals that she has met Shell Oil Jr., who has a yacht and is interested in her. Josephine, who is actually in the bathroom taking a bubble bath, joins the conversation. Dolores enters the room, interrupting the conversation, and Sugar leaves with her. This beginning feels disjointed and lacks a clear focus. It introduces multiple characters and plot points without giving them enough time to develop or connect with the audience.
      • The dialogue between Jerry and Joe in the bathroom is stilted and unnatural. Jerry's jokes fall flat and Joe's responses are too curt. The scene lacks the wit and banter that characterized their previous interactions.
      • The scene takes a strange turn when Jerry discovers Joe in the bathtub, dressed in Bienstock's outfit and covered in suds. This reveal is both confusing and unnecessary. It detracts from the more serious conversation they were having about Sugar and Joe's intentions.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Joe answers the phone and the scene ends without any resolution or closure. It leaves the audience hanging and wondering what happens next.
      Suggestions
      • Consider starting the scene with a more focused and engaging hook. Establish the conflict between Jerry and Joe more clearly and give them a more compelling reason to be in the room.
      • Rewrite the dialogue between Jerry and Joe to make it more natural and engaging. Give them more interesting things to say and let their personalities shine through.
      • Consider removing the scene of Joe in the bathtub. This reveal is unnecessary and detracts from the more serious conversation they were having.
      • End the scene with a stronger sense of closure. Resolve the conflict between Jerry and Joe, or at least provide a clear indication of what will happen next.



      Scene 25 -  Reluctant Acceptance and Anticipated Rendezvous
      EXT. FANTAIL OF THE YACHT CALEDONIA - DAY

      It is a chic vessel indeed -- and so is Osgood Fielding the
      Third, lounging in a deck chair, speaking into a radio-
      telephone.

      OSGOOD
      (that gleam in his
      eye)
      Hello, Daphne? It's that naughty boy
      again -- you know, Osgood -- in the
      elevator -- you slapped my face? Who
      is this?

      INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

      Joe is on the phone. Through the open door of the bathroom
      we see Jerry wiping his face.

      JOE
      This is her roommate. Daphne can't
      talk right now. Is it anything urgent?

      OSGOOD - ON PHONE.

      OSGOOD
      Well, it is to me. Will you give her
      a message? I'd like her to have a
      little supper with me on my yacht
      after the show tonight.

      JOE - ON PHONE.
      JOE
      Got it. Supper -- yacht -- after the
      show -- I'll tell her.
      (reacting)
      Your yacht?

      OSGOOD - ON PHONE.

      OSGOOD
      The New Caledonia. That's the name
      of it. The Old Caledonia went down
      during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.
      But tell her not to worry -- this is
      going to be a quiet little midnight
      snack -- just the two of us.

      JOE - ON PHONE.

      JOE
      Just the two of you? What about the
      crew?

      OSGOOD - ON PHONE.

      OSGOOD
      Oh, that's all taken care of. I'm
      giving them shore leave. We'll have
      a little cold pheasant -- and
      champagne -- and I checked with the
      Coast Guard -- there'll be a full
      moon tonight -- oh, and tell her I
      got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records --

      INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

      JOE
      (into phone)
      That's good thinking. Daphne's a
      push-over for him.

      Jerry comes up, still holding the towel.

      JERRY
      I'm a push-over for whom? What is
      it? Who's on the phone?

      JOE
      (shushing him; into
      phone)
      Yes, Mr. Fielding -- you'll pick her
      up after the show in your motorboat --
      goodbye -- what's that you said? Oh --
      zowie! I'll give her the message.
      (he hangs up)
      JERRY
      What message? What motorboat?

      JOE
      You got it made, kid. Fielding wants
      you to have a little cold pheasant
      with him on his yacht --

      JERRY
      Oh, he does!

      JOE
      Just the three of you on that great
      big boat -- you and him and Rudy
      Vallee.

      JERRY
      Fat chance! You call him right back
      and tell him I'm not going.

      JOE
      Of course, you're not. I'm going.

      JERRY
      You're going to be on the boat with
      that dirty old man?

      JOE
      No. I'm going to be on that boat
      with Sugar.

      JERRY
      And where's he going to be?

      JOE
      He's going to be ashore with you.

      JERRY
      With ME?

      JOE
      That's right.

      JERRY
      Oh, no! Not tonight, Josephine!

      DISSOLVE TO:

      INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT

      It's a good sized nightclub of the period, with about 200
      guests in formal dress -- evening gowns, white dinner jackets --
      at the tables and on the dance floor. A revolving globe,
      with a mirrored surface, throws patterns of light and shadow
      on the dancers.
      On the bandstand, Sugar, backed by the rest of the orchestra,
      is singing. The girls in the band, Joe and Jerry among them,
      wear uniform evening gowns and long earrings. Sugar and Sue
      war distinctive gowns.

      Sugar's song is "I WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU" -- which she
      belts across in the style of the Twenties, complete with
      poop-poop-pa-doop trimmings. As she sings, she scans the
      room for her bespectacled Prince Charming, but there is no
      sign of him -- naturally, since he is playing the saxophone
      behind her.

      In back of Joe is Jerry, thumping the bass grimly. He looks
      off, sees --

      Osgood Fielding the Third, in a white mess jacket, sitting
      alone at a table. Catching Jerry's eye, he waves exuberantly,
      his face beaming with amorous anticipation.

      On the bandstand, Jerry looks away haughtily.

      JOE
      (over his shoulder)
      Daphne -- your boy friend is waving
      at you.

      JERRY
      You can both go take a flying jump.

      JOE
      Remember -- he's your date for
      tonight. So smile.

      Jerry smiles feebly.

      JOE
      (continuing)
      Come on, you can do better than that.
      Give him teeth -- the whole
      personality.

      JERRY
      (a frozen smile on
      his face)
      Why do I let you talk me into these
      things? Why?

      JOE
      Because we're pals -- buddies -- the
      two musketeers.

      JERRY
      Don't give me the musketeers! How'm
      I going to keep the guy ashore?
      JOE
      Tell him you get seasick on a yacht.
      Play miniature golf with him.

      JERRY
      Oh, no. I'm not getting caught in a
      miniature sand trap with that guy.

      The fresh young Bellhop we saw earlier comes up beside the
      bandstand, carrying a large wicker basket full of flowers.

      BELLHOP
      (to Joe)
      Which of you dolls is Daphne?

      JOE
      Bull fiddle.

      The Bellhop hands the basket to Jerry, nods off toward
      Osgood's table.

      BELLHOP
      It's from Satchel Mouth at Table
      Seven.
      (he breaks off one
      flower, hands it to
      Joe)
      This is from me to you, doll.

      JOE
      Beat it, Buster.

      BELLHOP
      (confidentially)
      Never mind leaving your door open --
      I got a passkey.

      He winks and moves off. Joe looks after him contemptuously,
      then turns to Jerry, picks up the basket of flowers.

      JERRY
      What are you doing with my flowers?

      JOE
      I'm just borrowing them. You'll get
      them back tomorrow.

      He hands Jerry the single flower, then looks around, fishes
      a small envelope out of his decolletage, slips it into the
      basket.

      Sugar finishes her number, returns to her seat next to Joe.
      Sue leads the orchestra into the signature music, SWEET SUE.
      SUGAR
      (to Joe)
      I guess he's not going to show up --
      it's give minutes to one -- you
      suppose he forgot?

      JOE
      Well, you know how those millionaires
      are.
      (pointing at basket
      of flowers)
      These came for you.

      SUGAR
      For me?
      (she opens the note)
      It's Shell Oil.

      JERRY
      (sarcastically)
      No!

      SUGAR
      Yes. He wants me to have supper with
      him -- on his yacht -- he's going to
      pick me up at the pier.

      JERRY
      No!

      SUGAR
      Yes.

      JOE
      (to Jerry)
      You heard her -- yes.

      SUGAR
      (bubbling over)
      Oh, Josephine -- just imagine -- me,
      Sugar Kowalczyk, from Sandusky, Ohio,
      on a millionaire's yacht. If my mother
      could only see me now --

      JERRY
      (looking off toward
      Osgood)
      I hope my mother never finds out.

      At his table, Osgood, catching Jerry's look, blows kisses to
      him.

      On the bandstand, Sue turns to the audience for her signature
      spiel.
      SUE
      That's it for tonight, folks. This
      is Sweet Sue, saying good night, and
      reminding all you daddies out there --
      every girl in my band is a virtuoso --
      and I intend to keep it that way!

      Behind her, Sugar picks up her ukulele and the basket of
      flowers, tiptoes off the stand. Joe waves after her, wishing
      her luck. Sugar hurries toward the staircase, passing
      Bienstock, who is planted near the reservation desk. As Sue
      cuts off the music Joe frantically packs up his saxophone.

      Then he leaps off the bandstand, and dashing past the
      bewildered Bienstock, starts up the stairs two at a time.

      DISSOLVE TO:
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Musical"]

      Summary Joe relays Osgood's invitation for Daphne (Jerry) to have supper on his yacht, which Jerry initially declines but later accepts to spend time with Sugar. A bellhop delivers a basket of flowers to Jerry from Osgood. Meanwhile, Sugar receives a similar invitation from a Shell Oil representative and is thrilled. The scene takes place on the fantail of the yacht Caledonia and in room 413 of a hotel, showcasing a lighthearted and humorous tone with some moments of excitement and anticipation. The main conflict of Jerry's reluctance is resolved, while Sugar's disappointment about her Prince Charming remains unresolved.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Romantic tension
      • Comedic timing
      Weaknesses
      • Some predictable elements
      • Slight lack of depth in character development

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is engaging, entertaining, and sets up further complications and humor in the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mistaken identities, romantic misunderstandings, and comedic situations is well-executed and drives the plot forward.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances with the introduction of new complications and romantic entanglements, leading to humorous situations.

      Originality: 9

      The scene offers a fresh take on the classic romantic comedy genre by subverting traditional gender roles and exploring themes of identity and deception in a lighthearted and entertaining way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the story.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and quirks that contribute to the comedic and romantic elements of the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      There are subtle changes in the characters' relationships and dynamics, setting the stage for further development.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate a complex situation involving romantic entanglements and deception while maintaining their own identity and integrity.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to successfully navigate the social interactions and obligations of their current situation, including attending a dinner on a yacht and performing in a nightclub.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 6

      There is a moderate level of conflict mainly driven by the romantic entanglements and misunderstandings among the characters.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, values, and relationships, adding depth and complexity to the story.

      High Stakes: 6

      While the stakes are not extremely high, the romantic and comedic elements add tension and interest to the scene.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, romantic interests, and comedic situations.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' relationships and the comedic misunderstandings that drive the plot forward.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's struggle to balance their personal desires and obligations with societal expectations and the consequences of deception.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene elicits emotions of excitement, anticipation, and humor from the audience.

      Dialogue: 9

      The witty and humorous dialogue adds depth to the characters and enhances the comedic tone of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, comedic situations, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the story and eager to see how the conflicts unfold.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and energetic, with quick dialogue exchanges, comedic timing, and escalating tension that keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of the genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic comedy, with clear character motivations, comedic beats, and a progression of events that build tension and humor.


      Critique
      • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise.
      • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural in places.
      • The characters' motivations are not always clear.
      • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and unsatisfying.
      Suggestions
      • Trim down the scene to make it more concise.
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural.
      • Clarify the characters' motivations.
      • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene.
      • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying.



      Scene 26 -  Joe and Sugar's Excited Pursuits and Jerry's Hidden Concerns
      INT. ROOM 413 - NIGHT

      Joe barges in, drops the saxophone case, locks the door.
      Then he darts into the bathroom, wriggling out of his dress.

      CAMERA PANS OVER to the other door of the bathroom as the
      dress and shoes come flying out. They are immediately followed
      by Joe, now partially dressed as a man. He slips into
      Bienstock's coat, puts on the yachting cap. Even to a captain
      he would be a captain now, except for one thing -- in his
      haste, he has neglected to take off his earrings. He opens a
      window, steps out onto the balcony.

      EXT. BALCONY OF ROOM 413 - NIGHT

      Joe moves along the balcony, climbs over the railing, starts
      to shinny down a post.

      EXT. SIDE ENTRANCE OF HOTEL - NIGHT

      Sugar, a fur boa over the evening gown she wore on the
      bandstand, comes tripping down the steps, hurries eagerly
      toward the beach.

      EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS - NIGHT

      In the f.g., to one side of the main entrance, a dozen
      bicycles are parked in a rack. Joe drops down into the scene,
      sees the bicycles, pulls one out, mounts it, and pedals off.

      Standing under a tree in front of the hotel are Osgood and
      Jerry. Jerry is in his evening gown and is holding a flower
      in his hand.

      OSGOOD
      But it's such a waste -- a full moon --
      an empty yacht --
      JERRY
      I'll throw up!

      OSGOOD
      Well, then, why don't we go dancing?
      I know a little road-house, down the
      coast --

      Joe comes whizzing past them on his bicycle. Jerry looks
      after him, open-mouthed.

      JERRY
      Well, I'll be -- ! He does have a
      bicycle.

      OSGOOD
      Who?

      JERRY
      (catching himself)
      About that roadhouse --

      OSGOOD
      They got a Cuban band that's the
      berries. Why don't we go there --
      blindfold the orchestra -- and tango
      till dawn?

      JERRY
      You know something, Mr. Fielding?
      You're dynamite!

      OSGOOD
      You're a pretty hot little firecracker
      yourself.

      He links his arm through Jerry's, leads him down the path.

      Sugar is now almost running toward the pier, a look of great
      expectation on her face. This is the big night of her life.

      Joe is pedaling desperately to get to the pier before her,
      oblivious of the earrings dangling incongruously from his
      ear lobes.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

      Summary In this scene, Joe quickly changes into Bienstock's clothes and forgets to remove his earrings. He then climbs down from the balcony, steals a bicycle, and rides off toward the pier. Meanwhile, Sugar is also making her way to the pier, filled with excitement. On the other hand, Osgood and Jerry are discussing their plans for the night, which include going to a roadhouse. However, Jerry catches himself from revealing too much about Joe's escape. The scene is filled with anticipation and excitement, particularly for Joe and Sugar, who are both heading to the pier for significant moments. The setting is at night, outside the hotel, with characters moving toward the pier and a roadhouse. There are no major conflicts in this scene, but the tone is one of excitement and tension.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Engaging characters
      • Humorous situations
      Weaknesses
      • Slight predictability in romantic entanglements

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up further complications and romantic entanglements for the characters. The mix of comedy and romance keeps the audience entertained.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of characters dressing in disguise, mistaken identities, and romantic pursuits in a moonlit setting is well-executed and adds depth to the storyline.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as characters navigate romantic invitations, mistaken identities, and comedic situations. The scene sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic trope of mistaken identity and disguise, adding elements of humor and adventure. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are engaging, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the humor and romance of the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      There are subtle character changes as the characters navigate romantic pursuits and mistaken identities. These changes set up future developments.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Joe's internal goal is to maintain his disguise and reach the pier before Sugar. This reflects his desire to keep up the facade and achieve his objective without being discovered.

      External Goal: 7

      Joe's external goal is to reach the pier before Sugar and potentially interact with her. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his disguise and completing his mission.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 6

      There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, mainly driven by romantic entanglements, mistaken identities, and comedic misunderstandings.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that create tension and conflict. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these hurdles.

      High Stakes: 6

      The stakes are moderate, mainly revolving around romantic pursuits, mistaken identities, and comedic misunderstandings. The characters' relationships are at risk.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, romantic entanglements, and comedic situations. It sets up future events and resolutions.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of their interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict between appearance and reality, as Joe struggles to maintain his disguise while facing the risk of being exposed. This challenges his beliefs about identity and the consequences of deception.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including humor, excitement, and anticipation. The romantic elements add a layer of emotional depth.

      Dialogue: 9

      The witty and playful dialogue enhances the comedic and romantic elements of the scene. It reveals character dynamics and sets up future conflicts.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, suspense, and action. The characters' interactions and the fast-paced narrative keep the audience invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum. The quick transitions between action sequences and dialogue keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action and dialogue sequences. It maintains a good pace and rhythm, leading to an effective development of the plot.


      Critique
      • The writer should provide more context for the scene. What is the significance of Joe dressing up as a man? Why is he in such a hurry to leave the room?
      • The dialogue between Osgood and Jerry is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people would talk to each other.
      • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader hanging and wondering what happens next.
      Suggestions
      • Add a few lines at the beginning of the scene to explain why Joe is dressing up as a man and why he is in such a hurry to leave the room.
      • Rewrite the dialogue between Osgood and Jerry to make it more natural and believable.
      • Cut down the scene by removing unnecessary details and dialogue.
      • Add a few lines at the end of the scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion.



      Scene 27 -  A Clumsy Start but a Promising Journey: Joe and Sugar's Motorboat Date
      EXT. PIER - NIGHT

      About a dozen motorboats are tied up to the pier. Sugar
      hurries across the planking and up the stairs to the deserted
      pier, stops and looks around for her date. Behind her, Joe
      comes skimming along the planking on his bicycle, swoops
      under the pier.

      A disheartened Sugar thinks that she has been stood up.
      Joe dismounts from the bike, ducks underneath the pier, and
      hops into the motorboat marked CALEDONIA.

      Straightening up, he waves to Sugar on the pier above him.

      JOE
      Ahoy there!

      Sugar turns, her face lighting up.

      SUGAR
      Ahoy!

      She hurries down the steps toward him.

      Joe suddenly remembers his glasses. He takes them out of his
      pocket, puts them on. As he does so, he feels the Earrings.
      He pulls them off, shoves them in his pocket -- and he's not
      a second too soon, for Sugar has just about reached him.

      SUGAR
      (continuing)
      Been waiting long?

      JOE
      (Cary Grant again)
      It's not how long you wait -- it's
      who you're waiting for.

      He helps her down into the motorboat.

      SUGAR
      Thank you. And thank you for the
      flowers.

      JOE
      I wanted them to fly down some orchids
      from our greenhouse but all of Long
      Island is fogged in.

      SUGAR
      It's the thought that counts.

      She settles herself back on the cushioned seat. Joe starts
      fiddling around with the mysterious knobs on the instrument
      panel. He pushes, pulls, twists the knob -- finally the motor
      turns over, but does not catch.

      JOE
      I seem to be out of gas.

      SUGAR
      It's sort of funny -- you being out
      of gas -- I mean, Shell Oil and
      everything --
      Joe, working the knobs desperately, does something right,
      and the motor starts with a ROAR.

      JOE
      Here we go.

      He presses every lever he can find, manages to shift into
      gear. The boat backs out erratically. Joe shifts into neutral,
      but no matter how hard he tries to find the forward gear, he
      keeps winding up in reverse.

      JOE
      (apologetically)
      I just got this motorboat -- it's an
      experimental model.

      SUGAR
      Looks like they're on the wrong track.

      JOE
      Do you mind riding backwards? It may
      take a little longer --

      SUGAR
      It's not how long it takes -- it's
      who's taking you.

      The motorboat glides off backwards, and as though it were
      the most natural thing in the world, skims out toward the
      open water, where the yachts are anchored.

      DISSOLVE TO:
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

      Summary In this light-hearted and romantic scene, Sugar and Joe meet at a pier on a night decorated with a dozen motorboats. Initially, Sugar is disheartened by Joe's tardiness, but her spirits are lifted when he arrives, cycling down the pier. Joe's clumsiness with the motorboat, including forgetting his glasses and struggling to shift gears, creates some minor conflicts, but he remains endearing and apologetic. The key dialogue highlights Joe's charm and Sugar's support, while the visual elements include Sugar's emotions, Joe's bicycle, and the hidden earrings. The scene concludes with the motorboat setting off, albeit in reverse, towards the open water where the yachts are anchored.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Romantic tension
      • Comedic elements
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal conflict
      • Low stakes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is engaging, humorous, and sets up a romantic dynamic between Joe and Sugar. The playful dialogue and comedic mishaps keep the audience entertained.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of a romantic boat ride with comedic elements is well-executed and adds depth to the characters' relationship.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as Joe and Sugar's relationship develops further during the boat ride, setting the stage for future interactions.

      Originality: 9

      The scene offers a fresh take on a classic romantic comedy setup, with unique character interactions and comedic moments.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      Joe and Sugar's characters shine in this scene, with their playful banter and budding romance coming to the forefront.

      Character Changes: 6

      Both Joe and Sugar's characters show growth as their relationship deepens during the boat ride.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to impress and charm Sugar, showcasing his wit and charm to win her over.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to take Sugar on a boat ride, but he faces challenges with the motorboat's functionality.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 4

      The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on the budding romance and comedic elements.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in the scene is mild, with the protagonist facing challenges with the motorboat but ultimately overcoming them in a lighthearted manner.

      High Stakes: 3

      The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on the romantic and comedic elements.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by developing Joe and Sugar's relationship and setting up future interactions.

      Unpredictability: 7

      The scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, but the comedic elements and character interactions keep the audience entertained.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a conflict between appearances and reality, as Joe tries to appear smooth and in control, but faces difficulties with the motorboat.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes positive emotions and sets a romantic tone, engaging the audience in Joe and Sugar's developing relationship.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, charming, and drives the scene forward, showcasing the chemistry between Joe and Sugar.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, comedic situations, and romantic tension between the characters.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a typical romantic comedy structure, with a setup, conflict, and resolution.


      Critique
      • The dialogue between Joe and Sugar is a bit stilted and unnatural. For example, when Joe says, "It's not how long you wait -- it's who you're waiting for," it sounds like something out of a cheesy romance novel.
      • The scene lacks conflict. Joe and Sugar meet up without any problems, and they quickly get into the motorboat and head off. There's no tension or drama to keep the reader engaged.
      • The scene is too short. It doesn't give the reader enough time to get to know Joe and Sugar or to invest in their relationship.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt. The motorboat just "skims out toward the open water," and then the scene dissolves. There's no sense of closure or resolution.
      Suggestions
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
      • Add some conflict to the scene. For example, you could have Joe and Sugar get into an argument, or you could have them be chased by the police.
      • Expand the scene to give the reader more time to get to know Joe and Sugar. You could add a scene where they meet for the first time, or you could add a scene where they talk about their hopes and dreams.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. For example, you could have Joe and Sugar kiss, or you could have them decide to go on a date.



      Scene 28 -  An Evening on the Caledonia Yacht: Joe and Sugar Explore and Bond
      EXT. YACHT AT ANCHOR - NIGHT

      The CALEDONIA is bobbing gently on a calm, moonlit sea.

      The motorboat with Joe and Sugar comes in stern-backwards.
      Joe, looking over his shoulder, maneuvers the motorboat to a
      stop under the landing ladder. (Reams of romantic music under
      all of this).

      DISSOLVE TO:

      EXT. DECK OF CALEDONIA - NIGHT

      as Joe and Sugar aboard. She gazes around, starry-eyed.

      SUGAR
      It looked so small from the beach --
      but when you're on it, it's more
      like a cruiser -- or a destroyer.

      JOE
      Just regulation size. We have three
      like this.
      SUGAR
      Three?

      JOE
      Mother keeps hers in Southampton --
      and Dad took his to Venezuela -- the
      company is laying a new pipe line.

      SUGAR
      My dad is more interested in
      railroads. Baltimore and Ohio. Which
      is the port and which is the
      starboard?

      JOE
      (the old mariner)
      Well, that depends -- on whether
      you're coming or going -- I mean,
      normally the aft is on the other
      side of the stern -- and that's the
      bridge -- so you can get from one
      side of the boat to the other -- how
      about a glass of champagne?

      SUGAR
      Love it. Which way?

      JOE
      Yes -- now let's see -- where do you
      suppose the steward set it up?

      He looks around, confused by the unfamiliar geography, then
      tentatively opens the nearest door, revealing a flight of
      stairs leading below deck.

      SUGAR
      Oh, you have an upstairs and a
      downstairs.

      JOE
      Yes -- that's our hurricane cellar.

      He closes the door, opens another one -- it's a storage bin,
      containing mops, pails, coils of rope, etc.

      JOE
      (continuing)
      And another nice thing about this
      yacht -- lots of closet space.

      Sugar, meanwhile, has stepped up to a lighted porthole, looks
      inside.

      SUGAR
      Oh -- in here.
      JOE
      Of course. On Thursdays, they always
      serve me in the small salon.

      He opens the door, ushers Sugar inside.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

      Summary Joe and Sugar arrive at the luxurious Caledonia yacht, where Sugar expresses her awe at its size and Joe mentions his family's ownership of similar yachts. They explore the yacht, opening various doors to reveal stairs and storage before locating the salon. Along the way, Sugar asks questions about navigating the yacht, and Joe offers her champagne. The scene is set against a calm, moonlit sea and ends with Joe and Sugar entering the salon, ready to enjoy their drinks together.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Romantic atmosphere
      • Charming banter
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of significant conflict
      • Low stakes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-written with witty dialogue, romantic undertones, and comedic elements that keep the audience engaged. The setting on the yacht adds visual appeal and enhances the romantic atmosphere.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a romantic encounter on a yacht is executed effectively, creating a charming and whimsical atmosphere. The scene explores themes of luxury, romance, and miscommunication in an entertaining way.

      Plot: 7

      The plot in this scene focuses on the budding romance between Joe and Sugar, with elements of humor and misunderstandings adding depth to their interactions. The setting on the yacht adds a unique twist to the storyline.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a unique setting of a luxury yacht, with characters engaging in playful banter and exploring the yacht's features. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are fresh and engaging.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters of Joe and Sugar are well-developed, with their personalities shining through in their dialogue and actions. Their chemistry and banter create an engaging dynamic that drives the scene forward.

      Character Changes: 6

      While there are subtle changes in the characters' dynamics, such as Joe and Sugar growing closer and developing a deeper connection, the scene primarily focuses on their romantic interactions and humorous banter.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impress and charm Sugar, showcasing his knowledge and familiarity with the yacht and its amenities. This reflects his desire to appear sophisticated and experienced in her eyes.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to show Sugar around the yacht and offer her a glass of champagne. This reflects his immediate circumstances of being on the yacht and wanting to entertain his guest.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 5

      While there are elements of conflict in the scene, such as misunderstandings and comedic mishaps, the overall tone remains light-hearted and romantic. The conflict serves to add depth to the characters' interactions rather than create serious tension.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in the scene is mild, with the characters facing minor obstacles or challenges that add tension and humor to their interactions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these small conflicts.

      High Stakes: 4

      The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the romantic and comedic aspects of the interaction between Joe and Sugar. The scene prioritizes charm, humor, and romance over high-stakes drama.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Joe and Sugar, setting the stage for future romantic developments. The introduction of the yacht adds a new element to the narrative, expanding the world of the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and responses, adding a sense of spontaneity and surprise to the interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's world of luxury and privilege and Sugar's more modest background. This challenges the protagonist's values of wealth and status, contrasting with Sugar's simpler upbringing.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a sense of romance, whimsy, and charm, creating an emotional connection with the audience. The interactions between Joe and Sugar are heartwarming and entertaining, leaving a positive impact.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is witty, charming, and humorous, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationship. The banter between Joe and Sugar adds depth to their interactions and keeps the audience entertained.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters, the exploration of the luxurious yacht setting, and the playful interactions that reveal their personalities. The scene keeps the audience interested and entertained.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow, allowing the characters' interactions to unfold naturally and engagingly. The scene keeps the audience's attention and builds anticipation.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a clear structure, with a smooth transition from the motorboat to the yacht and a focus on the characters' interactions and exploration of the setting. The pacing is well-paced and engaging.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. The characters enter the yacht, and Joe shows Sugar around, but there is no clear conflict or development. This makes the scene feel aimless and unnecessary.
      • The dialogue is stiff and unnatural. The characters speak in a formal and unnatural way, which makes them difficult to relate to. This is especially true of Joe, who uses a lot of jargon and technical terms that Sugar would not be familiar with.
      • The scene is too long. There is a lot of unnecessary dialogue and description, which could be cut without losing anything important. This would make the scene more concise and easier to follow.
      • The description of the yacht is too detailed and unnecessary. The reader does not need to know all of the details about the yacht's construction and layout. This information is boring and slows down the pace of the scene.
      • The scene is too static. The characters mostly just stand around and talk, which makes the scene feel boring and uneventful. There is no action or movement to keep the reader engaged.
      Suggestions
      • Give the scene a clear purpose and direction. What do the characters want to achieve? What conflict are they facing? Once you know the purpose of the scene, you can write the dialogue and action to support it.
      • Make the dialogue more natural and believable. The characters should speak in a way that is consistent with their personalities and backgrounds. Avoid using jargon and technical terms that the reader would not be familiar with.
      • Cut the unnecessary dialogue and description. Focus on the most important information and events, and cut anything that is not essential to the story.
      • Vary the pace of the scene. Use a mix of dialogue, action, and description to keep the reader engaged. Avoid long stretches of dialogue or description without any action.
      • Add some movement and action to the scene. The characters could move around the yacht, interact with each other, or do something that creates a sense of excitement or intrigue.



      Scene 29 -  A Melancholic Feast Aboard the Yacht: Joe's Emotional Numbness and Sugar's Attempted Intervention
      INT. SALON OF YACHT - NIGHT

      It's a very elegant layout -- mahogany paneling, shelves of
      trophies, a stuffed marlin on the wall, a luxurious couch
      with a table for two et up beside it. On the table are lit
      candles, cold pheasant under glass, and champagne in a silver
      ice bucket.

      Joe and Sugar come in, and as Joe takes his cap off, Sugar
      looks around, dazzled.

      SUGAR
      It's exquisite -- like a floating
      mansion.

      JOE
      It's all right for a bachelor.

      SUGAR
      (stopping by the
      stuffed marlin)
      What a beautiful fish.

      JOE
      Caught him off Cape Hatteras.

      SUGAR
      What is it?

      JOE
      Oh -- a member of the herring family.

      SUGAR
      A herring? Isn't it amazing how they
      get those big fish into those little
      glass jars?

      JOE
      They shrink when they're marinated.

      During this, he has opened the champagne, filled a couple of
      glasses.

      JOE
      (continuing)
      Champagne?

      SUGAR
      I don't mind if I do.
      JOE
      (toasting her)
      Down the hatch -- as we say at sea.

      SUGAR
      Bon voyage.

      As she sips the drink, she glances at the shelves of trophies.

      SUGAR
      Look at all that silverware.

      JOE
      Trophies. You know -- skeet-shooing,
      dog-breeding, water polo...

      SUGAR
      Water polo -- isn't that terribly
      dangerous?

      JOE
      I'll say. I had two ponies drowned
      under me.

      SUGAR
      Where's your shell collection?

      JOE
      Yea, of course. Now where could they
      have put it?
      (looking under the
      couch)
      On Thursdays, I'm sort of lost around
      here.

      SUGAR
      What's on Thursdays?

      JOE
      It's the crews' night off.

      SUGAR
      You mean we're alone on the boat?

      JOE
      Completely.

      SUGAR
      You know, I've never been completely
      alone with a man before -- in the
      middle of the night -- in the middle
      of the ocean.
      JOE
      Oh, it's perfectly safe. We're well
      anchored -- the ship is in shipshape --
      and the Coast Guard promised to call
      me if there are any icebergs around.

      SUGAR
      It's not the icebergs. But there are
      certain men who would try to take
      advantage of a situation like this.

      JOE
      You're flattering me.

      SUGAR
      Well, of course, I'm sure you're a
      gentleman.

      JOE
      Oh, it's not that. It's just that
      I'm -- harmless.

      SUGAR
      Harmless -- how?

      JOE
      Well, I don't know how to put it --
      but I have this thing about girls.

      SUGAR
      What thing?

      JOE
      They just sort of leave me cold.

      SUGAR
      You mean -- like frigid?

      JOE
      It's more like a mental block. When
      I'm with girls, it does nothing to
      me.

      SUGAR
      Have you tried?

      JOE
      Have I? I'm trying all the time.

      He casually puts his arms around her, kisses her on the lips,
      lets go of her again.

      JOE
      (continues)
      See? Nothing.
      SUGAR
      Nothing at all?

      JOE
      Complete washout.

      SUGAR
      That makes me feel just awful.

      JOE
      Oh, it's not your fault. It's just
      that every now and then Mother Nature
      throws somebody a dirty curve.
      Something goes wrong inside.

      SUGAR
      You mean you can't fall in love?

      JOE
      Not anymore. I was in love once --
      but I'd rather not talk about it.
      (takes the glass bell
      off the cold cuts)
      How about a little cold pheasant?

      SUGAR
      What happened?

      JOE
      I don't want to bore you.

      SUGAR
      Oh, you couldn't possibly.

      JOE
      Well, it was my freshman year at
      Princeton -- there was this girl --
      her name was Nellie -- her father
      was vice-president of Hupmobile --
      she wore glasses, too. That summer
      we spent our vacation at the Grand
      Canyon -- we were standing on the
      highest ledge, watching the sunset --
      suddenly we had an impulse to kiss --
      I took off my glasses -- I took a
      step toward her -- she took a step
      toward me --

      SUGAR
      (hand flying to mouth)
      Oh, no!
      JOE
      Yes. Eight hours later they brought
      her up by mule -- I gave her three
      transfusions -- we had the same blood
      type -- Type O -- it was too late.

      SUGAR
      Talk about sad.

      JOE
      Ever since then --
      (indicating heart)
      Numb -- no feelings. Like my heart
      was shot full of novocaine.

      SUGAR
      You poor, poor boy.

      JOE
      Yes -- all the money in the world --
      but what good is it?
      (holding out serving
      plate)
      Mint sauce or cranberries?

      SUGAR
      How can you think about food at a
      time like this?

      JOE
      What else is there for me?
      (tears off leg of
      pheasant)

      SUGAR
      Is it that hopeless?

      JOE
      (eating)
      My family did everything they could --
      hired the most beautiful French
      upstairs maids -- got a special tutor
      to read me all the books that were
      banned in Boston -- imported a whole
      troupe of Balinese dancers with bells
      on their ankles and those long
      fingernails -- what a waste of money!

      SUGAR
      Have you ever tried American girls?

      JOE
      Why?

      She kisses him -- pretty good, but nothing spectacular.
      SUGAR
      Is that anything?

      JOE
      (shaking his head)
      Thanks just the same.

      He resumes nibbling on the pheasant leg, sits on the couch.

      SUGAR
      Maybe if you saw a good doctor...

      JOE
      I have. Spent six months in Vienna
      with Professor Freud -- flat on my
      back --
      (stretches out the
      couch, still eating)
      then there were the Mayo Brothers --
      and injections and hypnosis and
      mineral baths -- if I weren't such a
      coward, I'd kill myself.

      SUGAR
      Don't talk like that. I'm sure there
      must be some girl some place that
      could --

      JOE
      If I ever found a girl that could --
      I'd marry her like that.

      He snaps his fingers. The word "marriage" makes something
      snap inside Sugar, too.

      SUGAR
      Would you do me a favor?

      JOE
      What is it?

      SUGAR
      I may not be Dr. Freud or a Mayo
      Brother or one of those French
      upstairs girls -- but could I take
      another crack at it?

      JOE
      (blase)
      All right -- if you insist.

      She bends over him, gives him a kiss of slightly higher
      voltage.

      SUGAR
      Anything this time?
      JOE
      I'm afraid not. Terribly sorry.

      SUGAR
      (undaunted)
      Would you like a little more
      champagne?
      (proceeds to refill
      glasses)
      And maybe if we had some music --
      (indicating lights)
      -- how do you dim these lights?

      JOE
      Look, it's terribly sweet of you to
      want to help out -- but it's no use.
      (pointing)
      think the light switch is over there --
      (Sugar dims lights)
      -- and that's the radio.
      (Sugar switches it on)
      It's like taking somebody to a concert
      when he's tone deaf.

      By this time there is only candlelight in the salon, and
      from the radio comes soft music -- STAIRWAY TO THE STARS.
      Sugar crosses to the couch with two champagne glasses, hands
      one to Joe, sits beside him. Joe drinks down the champagne,
      and Sugar hands him the second glass. He drains that, too.

      SUGAR
      You're not giving yourself a chance.
      Don't fight it. Relax.
      (she kisses him again)

      JOE
      (shaking his head)
      It's like smoking without inhaling.

      SUGAR
      So inhale!

      This kiss is the real McCoy. As they stay locked in each
      other's arms --

      WIPE TO:
      Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Musical"]

      Summary Joe and Sugar board a luxurious yacht and engage in a somber conversation over cold pheasant and champagne. Joe reveals his emotional inability to love women, sharing a heartbreaking tale of his past love, Nellie, who died in a tragic accident. As the night progresses, Sugar attempts to help Joe overcome his emotional numbness, and the scene concludes with the two sharing a passionate kiss in the dimly lit salon.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Romantic atmosphere
      • Character development
      Weaknesses
      • Low conflict level
      • Limited external action

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-written, engaging, and effectively conveys the romantic and comedic elements of the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a romantic encounter on a yacht with a twist of one character's inability to feel love adds depth and humor to the scene.

      Plot: 7

      The plot progresses as Joe and Sugar bond over champagne and conversation, revealing personal stories and creating a romantic atmosphere.

      Originality: 8

      The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of emotional numbness and past trauma affecting the protagonist's ability to love, with witty dialogue and unique character dynamics.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters of Joe and Sugar are well-developed, with distinct personalities and engaging dialogue that drives the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      Joe experiences a slight shift in his perspective on love and relationships through his interactions with Sugar.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome his emotional numbness and inability to feel love due to a past traumatic experience.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a romantic encounter with the other character, Sugar, and potentially open up emotionally.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 4

      There is a low level of conflict in the scene, mainly centered around Joe's emotional blockage towards romantic feelings.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with the protagonist's internal struggles and emotional barriers creating obstacles to his potential connection with Sugar.

      High Stakes: 3

      The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and romantic tension.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Joe and Sugar and setting up potential developments in their romantic arc.

      Unpredictability: 8

      The scene is unpredictable in its exploration of the protagonist's emotional journey and the unexpected twists in the romantic encounter between the characters.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's belief that he is incapable of feeling love and the potential for change or growth in his emotional state.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes emotions of hope, humor, and a touch of sadness through the characters' interactions and personal stories.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, charming, and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging due to the dynamic interactions between the characters, the emotional stakes at play, and the gradual reveal of the protagonist's internal struggles.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, leading to a climactic moment of vulnerability and connection between the characters.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

      Structure: 9

      The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear character motivations and development, leading to a climactic moment of emotional vulnerability.


      Critique
      • The dialogue between Joe and Sugar in the salon of the yacht is well-written and engaging. The characters' personalities shine through in their interactions, and the banter is witty and charming.
      • The scene is also visually interesting, with the candlelight and soft music creating a romantic and intimate atmosphere.
      • However, the scene could be improved by adding more depth to the characters' motivations. For instance, why is Joe so desperate to find a woman who can arouse him?
      • Additionally, the scene could be more dynamic if there were more conflict or tension between the characters.
      • Finally, the scene could be more effective if it were shorter and more focused. The long dialogue sequences, while well-written, could be trimmed down to create a more streamlined and impactful scene.
      Suggestions
      • Add more depth to the characters' motivations. For instance, why is Joe so desperate to find a woman who can arouse him?
      • Add more conflict or tension between the characters.
      • Shorten the scene and make it more focused.



      Scene 30 -  Playful Dances and Newfound Love
      INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT

      It is small, dark, and practically deserted. The Cuban band
      is playing LA CUMPARSITA. Among the dancers on the floor are
      Osgood and Jerry, easily the most stylish couple in the joint.
      Jerry has the flower tucked in his cleavage. As they tango --

      OSGOOD
      Daphne...
      JERRY
      Yes, Osgood?

      OSGOOD
      You're leading again.

      JERRY
      Sorry.

      They tango on.

      WIPE BACK TO:

      INT. SALON OF CALEDONIA - NIGHT

      Joe and Sugar are still in the same embrace. The radio music
      continues. Finally they break.

      SUGAR
      (waiting for the
      verdict)
      Well -- ?

      JOE
      I'm not quite sure. Try it again.

      She does. As they break, she looks at him -- the suspense is
      unbearable.

      JOE
      (trying to diagnose
      it)
      I got a funny sensation in my toes --
      like somebody was barbecuing them
      over a slow flame.

      SUGAR
      Lets throw another log on the fire.

      Another kiss.

      JOE
      I think you're on the right track.

      SUGAR
      I must be -- because your glasses
      are beginning to steam up.

      She kisses him again.

      WIPE TO:
      INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT

      Osgood and Jerry have now got the tango by the throat. Jerry
      is dancing with his back to the CAMERA, and as Osgood whips
      him around, we see that Jerry has the flower clamped between
      his teeth. They reverse positions again, and Osgood grabs
      the flower between his teeth.

      WIPE BACK TO:

      INT. SALON OF CALEDONIA - NIGHT

      The radio is still on, and Joe and Sugar are just coming out
      of their last kiss. Joe removes his glasses, which are now
      completely fogged up.

      JOE
      I never knew it could be like this.

      SUGAR
      Thank you.

      JOE
      They told me I was caputt -- finished --
      washed up -- and now you're making a
      chump out of all those experts.

      SUGAR
      Mineral baths -- now really!

      JOE
      Where did you learn to kiss like
      that?

      SUGAR
      Oh, you know -- Junior League --
      charity bazaars -- I used to sell
      kisses for the Milk Fund.

      They kiss again.

      JOE
      (going, going, gone)
      Tomorrow, remind me to send a check
      for a hundred thousand dollars to
      the Milk Fund.

      She doesn't have to kiss him any more -- he takes over now.

      WIPE TO:
      INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT

      The chairs are stacked on the tables, and Osgood and Jerry
      are the only couple on the floor. Osgood, wearing the flower
      behind his ear, and massaging his behind with a tablecloth,
      is tangoing with wild abandon around Jerry.

      Suddenly he grabs Jerry, bends him over in a dashing dip.

      They straighten up, dance a couple of steps, and now Jerry
      returns the compliment -- he almost breaks Osgood's spine
      with an even more dashing dip.

      As for the Cuban musicians -- we now discover that Osgood
      has kept his word. They are all blindfolded.

      DISSOLVE TO:

      EXT. YACHT AT ANCHOR - DAWN

      Sugar and Joe are in the motorboat, gliding away from the
      Caledonia toward the pier -- backwards, naturally. It is
      quite romantic -- with the sun about to rise -- and the
      incidental music augmenting the mood.

      DISSOLVE TO:

      EXT. PIER - DAWN

      Joe and Sugar, his arm over her shoulder, walk dreamily toward
      the hotel. From the other direction comes Osgood, twirling
      the flower in his hand, and humming LA CUMPARSITA. As he
      passes Sugar and Joe, he waves to them jauntily, then
      continues toward the same motorboat which just deposited
      them. He gets in, starts the motor, takes off.

      DISSOLVE TO:

      EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE - DAWN

      Joe leads Sugar up to the steps, then stops and faces her.

      JOE
      Good night.

      SUGAR
      Good morning.

      JOE
      How much do I owe the Milk Fund so
      far?

      SUGAR
      Eight hundred and fifty thousand
      dollars.
      JOE
      Let's make it an even million.

      He gives her a final kiss. Sugar turns, starts up the steps,
      then stops and comes back to him.

      SUGAR
      I forgot to give you your receipt.

      She kisses him, then floats through the entrance of the hotel.
      Joe watches her till she is out of sight, then takes off his
      glasses. He hurries up the steps, starts to climb up one of
      the posts of the veranda.

      INT. ROOM 413 - DAWN

      Jerry, still in his evening gown, is stretched out on his
      bed, gaily singing LA CUMPARSITA and accompanying himself
      with a pair of maracas. Joe appears over the railing of the
      balcony, steps through the window into the room.

      JOE
      (exuberant)
      Hi, Jerry. Everything under control?

      JERRY
      Have I got things to tell you!

      JOE
      What happened?

      JERRY
      (beaming)
      I'm engaged.

      JOE
      Congratulations. Who's the lucky
      girl?

      JERRY
      I am.

      JOE
      WHAT?

      JERRY
      (brimming over)
      Osgood proposed to me. We're planning
      a June wedding.

      JOE
      What are you talking about? You can't
      marry Osgood.
      JERRY
      (getting up)
      You think he's too old for me?

      JOE
      Jerry! You can't be serious!

      JERRY
      Why not? He keeps marrying girls all
      the time!

      JOE
      But you're not a girl. You're a guy!
      And why would a guy want to marry a
      guy?

      JERRY
      Security.

      JOE
      Jerry, you'd better lie down. You're
      not doing well.

      JERRY
      Look, stop treating me like a child.
      I'm not stupid. I know there's a
      problem.

      JOE
      I'll say there is!

      JERRY
      His mother -- we need her approval.
      But I'm not worried -- because I
      don't smoke.

      JOE
      Jerry -- there's another problem.

      JERRY
      Like what?

      JOE
      Like what are you going to do on
      your honeymoon?

      JERRY
      We've been discussing that. He wants
      to go to the Riviera -- but I sort
      of lean toward Niagara Falls.

      JOE
      You're out of your mind! How can you
      get away with this?
      JERRY
      Oh, I don't expect it to last. I'll
      tell him the truth when the time
      comes.

      JOE
      Like when?

      JERRY
      Like right after the ceremony.

      JOE
      Oh.

      JERRY
      Then we'll get a quick annulment --
      he'll make a nice settlement on me --
      I'll have those alimony checks coming
      in every month --

      JOE
      Jerry, listen to me -- there are
      laws -- conventions -- it's just not
      being done!

      JERRY
      But Joe -- this may be my last chance
      to marry a millionaire!

      JOE
      Look, Jerry -- take my advice --
      forget the whole thing -- just keep
      telling yourself you're a boy!

      JERRY
      I'm a boy -- I'm a boy -- I wish I
      were dead -- I'm a boy -- I'm a boy --
      (slaps his wig down
      on the desk)
      What am I going to do about my
      engagement present?

      JOE
      What engagement present?

      Jerry picks up a jewel box, opens it, hands it to Joe.

      JERRY
      He gave me this bracelet.

      Joe takes Bienstock's glasses out of his pocket, examines
      the bracelet through one of the lenses.

      JOE
      Hey -- these are real diamonds.
      JERRY
      Naturally. You think my fiancé is a
      bum? Now I guess I'll have to give
      it back.

      JOE
      Wait a minute -- lets not be hasty.
      After all, we don't want to hurt
      poor Osgood's feelings.

      There is a KNOCK on the door.

      JOE
      (in girl's voice)
      Just a minute.

      They grab their wigs, slap them on. Joe dives into bed,
      pulling the covers up to his chin.

      SUGAR'S VOICE
      It's me -- Sugar.

      JOE
      Come in.

      Sugar, in a negligee, comes in -- or rather, floats in.

      SUGAR
      I thought I heard voices -- and I
      just had to talk to somebody. I don't
      feel like going to sleep.

      JERRY
      I know what you need -- a slug of
      bourbon.

      He opens a bureau drawer, takes out the hot-water bottle.

      SUGAR
      Oh, no. I'm off that stuff -- for
      good.

      JOE
      Did you have a nice time?

      SUGAR
      Nice?
      (on a cloud)
      It was suicidally beautiful.

      JERRY
      Did he get fresh?
      SUGAR
      Of course not. As a matter of fact,
      it was just the other way around.
      You see he needs help.

      JERRY
      What for?

      SUGAR
      And talk about elegant -- you should
      see the yacht -- candlelight -- mint
      sauce and cranberries.

      JOE
      Gee, I wish I'd been there.

      SUGAR
      I'm going to see him again tonight --
      and every night -- I think he's going
      to propose to me -- as soon as he
      gets up his nerve.

      JERRY
      (looking at Joe)
      That's some nerve!

      JOE
      (covering up quickly)
      Daphne got a proposal tonight.

      JERRY
      Really?

      SUGAR
      From a rich millionaire.

      JERRY
      That's wonderful.
      (suddenly turning to
      Joe)
      Poor Josephine.

      JOE
      (startled)
      Me?

      SUGAR
      Daphne has a beau -- I have a beau --
      if we could only find somebody for
      you.

      The door opens, and in strides the fresh Bellhop, gin bottle
      in one hand and the passkey in the other.

      BELLHOP
      Here I am, doll!
      Joe disappears under the covers.

      FADE OUT:

      FADE IN:
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Musical"]

      Summary In this scene, Jerry and Osgood share a playful tango at a roadhouse, while Joe and Sugar passionately kiss, exploring their newfound feelings for each other. Jerry and Osgood's dance is lighthearted and flirtatious, with a brief disagreement about who is leading. Meanwhile, Joe is unsure about his feelings for Sugar, but they continue to kiss. The scene takes place at night, inside a roadhouse and a salon on a yacht. The tone is romantic and playful, with key pieces of dialogue including Osgood's comment about leading the dance, Joe's expression of new love, and Jerry's joke about kisses for the Milk Fund. The scene ends with Joe and Sugar leaving the yacht in a motorboat, while Osgood gets into the same boat to head back to the yacht.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Humorous situations
      • Romantic undertones
      Weaknesses
      • Some confusion in character motivations

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly entertaining, with a mix of humor, romance, and confusion that keeps the audience engaged. The comedic elements are well-executed, and the dialogue is sharp and witty.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of a man pretending to be a woman and getting engaged for financial security is a unique and intriguing premise that adds depth to the scene. The confusion and humor that arise from this concept are well-developed and entertaining.

      Plot: 8

      The plot revolves around the engagement confusion between Jerry and Osgood, adding a layer of humor and unexpected twists to the scene. The progression of events is engaging and keeps the audience entertained.

      Originality: 9

      The scene presents a fresh and original take on engagement and identity struggles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters of Jerry, Joe, and Sugar are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward. Jerry's decision to get engaged to Osgood for financial security adds depth to his character and creates comedic tension.

      Character Changes: 7

      Jerry's decision to get engaged to Osgood for financial security represents a significant character change, showcasing his willingness to go to extreme lengths for his own benefit. This decision adds complexity to his character and drives the plot forward.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain their identity and navigate a challenging situation. Jerry struggles with his engagement to Osgood and the conflict between his true self and the facade he presents.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the engagement situation and avoid hurting Osgood's feelings while maintaining their own identity.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      The conflict in the scene arises from Jerry's engagement to Osgood and the confusion it creates among the characters. The comedic tension and misunderstandings drive the plot forward and keep the audience engaged.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jerry facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his identity and decisions.

      High Stakes: 7

      The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Jerry's engagement to Osgood has significant implications for his future and the relationships between the characters. The comedic and romantic elements add depth to the high stakes.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and resolution, setting up future developments in the plot. The engagement confusion between Jerry and Osgood adds depth to the storyline and creates anticipation for future events.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected engagement twist and the characters' unique reactions.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      The philosophical conflict revolves around societal norms, gender roles, and identity. Jerry's engagement challenges traditional ideas of marriage and gender roles.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of humor, romance, and confusion that evoke a range of emotions from the audience. The engagement reveal and the romantic undertones add depth to the scene.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward. The banter between the characters is sharp and entertaining, enhancing the comedic elements of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, comedic situations, and exploration of identity and societal norms.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and engaging the audience with witty dialogue and comedic situations.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a traditional structure with clear transitions between locations and engaging dialogue sequences.


      Critique
      • The scene is over-the-top and lacks subtlety. The characters' actions and dialogue are unrealistic and cartoonish.
      • The scene is too long and meandering. There is no clear focus or direction, and the characters' conversations are repetitive and unengaging.
      • The scene is full of cliches and stereotypes. The characters are one-dimensional and their motivations are unclear.
      • The dialogue is forced and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real people would, and their conversations are full of exposition and infodumps.
      • The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen next, and there is no sense of suspense or surprise.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the scene with a more realistic and believable tone.
      • Tighten up the scene and focus on the most important moments.
      • Develop the characters more fully and give them clear motivations.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
      • Add some unexpected twists and turns to the plot to keep the audience guessing.



      Scene 31 -  Confrontation at the Seminole-Ritz Hotel
      INT. LOBBY SEMINOLE-RITZ HOTEL - DAY

      We are CLOSE on a doormat bearing the name SEMINOLE-RITZ
      HOTEL. A pair of men's feet step across the mat, the shoes
      encased in white linen spats.

      CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL Spats Colombo entering the lobby,
      surrounded by his four henchmen and followed by bellhops
      carrying their luggage. The henchmen are all dolled up for
      Florida -- knickers, Panamas, two-toned shoes -- and one of
      them is carrying a golf bag.

      Spats is somewhat more conservatively dressed in a light
      gray business suit. They stop and look around.

      Draped across the rear wall is an impressive banner reading:

      WELCOME DELEGATES
      10TH ANNUAL CONVENTION
      FRIENDS OF ITALIAN OPERA

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      (reading banner)
      Friends of Eye-talian Opera -- hey,
      that's us!

      A convention official, wearing a badge and ribbon identifying
      him as a committee member, comes up to Spats.

      FIRST OFFICIAL
      Register over there.

      Spats nods to his boys, and they move toward the registration
      desk, past other groups of delegates. You would hate to meet
      any of these mugs in a dark alley, but what makes it
      heartwarming is that they all have a cauliflower ear for
      good music.

      Sitting on a settee is a gentleman reading the Police Gazette.
      As he lowers the paper, we see it's our friend Mulligan, the
      Federal agent. He looks after Spats and his boys with a wry
      smile.

      At the desk, Spats and his group are identifying themselves
      to the registrar. Leaning against a column, supervising the
      proceedings, is a dark, menacing young hoodlum, JOHNNY
      PARADISE. He is insolently flipping a half dollar in the
      air.
      SPATS
      (to registrar)
      Spats Colombo -- delegate from Chicago --
      South Side chapter.

      The registrar pins an identification tag on his lapel.

      PARADISE
      Hi, Spats. We was laying eight to
      one you wouldn't show.

      SPATS
      Why wouldn't I?

      PARADISE
      We thought you was all broken up
      about Toothpick Charlie.

      SPATS
      Well, we all got to go sometime.

      PARADISE
      Yeah. You never know who's going to
      be next.
      (jerks his thumb toward
      screen)
      Okay, Spats. Report to the Sergeant-
      at-Arms.

      SPATS
      What for?

      PARADISE
      Orders from Little Bonaparte.

      Spats has now been joined by the four henchmen, who have
      also received their identification tags, and Paradise motions
      them behind the screen.

      Behind the screen, a couple of officials are waiting.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      Put 'em up, Spats.

      SPATS
      What's the idea?

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      Little Bonaparte don't want no
      hardware around.

      Spats reluctantly complies and the official frisks him.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      (continues)
      Okay -- you're clean.
      SPATS
      (tapping official's
      pocket)
      You're not.

      He pulls an automatic out of the official's shoulder holster,
      tosses it into a wire basket which already holds a large
      collection of hardware.

      The official glares at him, then turns and runs his hands
      down the First Henchman. He feels something at the bottom of
      one of his knickers, pulls elastic cuff. A gun drops out.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      It ain't loaded.

      The official pulls the elastic of the other knicker, and
      several dozen bullets drop to the floor. The official kicks
      them away, faces the henchman with the golf bag.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      What's in there?

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      My golf clubs. Putter, niblick, number
      three iron --

      The official pulls a submachine gun out of the bag.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      What's this?

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      My mashie.

      Spats emerges from behind the screen.

      PARADISE
      (still tossing coin)
      See you at the banquet, Spats.

      Spats looks at the young punk contemptuously, snatches the
      coin out of the air.

      SPATS
      Where did you pick up that cheap
      trick?
      (drops the coin in
      the kid's breast
      pocket)
      Come on, boys.

      He and his henchmen start across the lobby toward the
      reception counter. As they pass Mulligan, he rises.
      MULLIGAN
      Well, Spats Colombo -- if I were saw
      one.

      SPATS
      Hello, copper. What brings you down
      to Florida?

      MULLIGAN
      I heard you opera-lovers were having
      a little rally -- so I thought I
      better be around in case anybody
      decides to sing.

      SPATS
      Big joke!

      MULLIGAN
      Say, Maestro -- where were you at
      three o'clock on St. Valentine's
      Day?

      SPATS
      Me? I was at Rigoletto.

      MULLIGAN
      What's his first name? And where
      does he live?

      SPATS
      That's an opera, you ignoramus.

      MULLIGAN
      Where did they play it -- in a garage
      on Clark Street?

      SPATS
      Clark Street? Never heard of it.

      MULLIGAN
      Ever hear of the DeLuxe French
      Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?

      SPATS
      Why?

      MULLIGAN
      Because the day after the shooting
      you sent in a pair of spats -- they
      had blood on them.

      SPATS
      I cut myself shaving.

      MULLIGAN
      You shave with your spats on?
      SPATS
      I sleep with my spats on.

      MULLIGAN
      Quit kidding. You did that vulcanizing
      job on Toothpick Charlie -- and we
      know it.

      SPATS
      You and who else?

      MULLIGAN
      Me and those two witnesses whom your
      lawyers have been looking for all
      over Chicago.

      SPATS
      You boys know anything about any
      garage -- or any witnesses?

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.

      MULLIGAN
      Don't worry, Spats. One of these
      days we'll dig up those two guys.

      SPATS
      That's what you'll have to do -- dig
      'em up!

      He leads his boys away from Mulligan toward the reception
      desk.

      The elevator door opens, and among the passengers stepping
      out are Joe and Jerry, in their summer dresses. Joe is
      carrying their room key.

      JERRY
      (indicating diamond
      bracelet on wrist)
      I feel like such a tramp -- taking
      jewelry from a man under false
      pretenses.

      JOE
      Get it while you're young. And you
      better fix your lips. You want to
      look nice for Osgood, don't you?

      Jerry stops, takes a mirror and lipstick out of his handbag,
      starts to touch up his lips.

      JERRY
      It's just going to break his heart
      when he finds out I can't marry him.
      JOE
      So? It's going to break Sugar's heart
      when she finds out I'm not a
      millionaire. That's life. You can't
      make an omelette without breaking an
      egg.

      JERRY
      What are you giving me with the
      omelette?

      JOE
      Nag, nag, nag. Look, we got a yacht,
      we got a bracelet, you got Osgood,
      I've got Sugar -- we're really
      cooking.

      JERRY
      (his eyes transfixed
      by something he sees
      in the mirror)
      Joe --

      JOE
      What?

      What Jerry sees in the mirror is Spats Colombo and the four
      henchmen.

      JERRY
      Something tells me the omelette is
      about to hit the fan.

      He nods in the direction of the reception desk. Joe looks,
      sees what Jerry has seen, then --

      JOE
      Come on, Daphne.

      With as much grace as they can muster, they hurry back toward
      the elevator. The doors are just opening, and our Bellhops
      comes backing out, trundling an old man in a wheelchair. The
      old man wears a Panama hat, dark glasses, and is covered up
      to his chin with a plaid blanket.

      Joe and Jerry almost fall over the invalid in their haste to
      get to the elevator.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Musical"]

      Summary Spats Colombo and his henchmen attend the 10th Annual Convention of Friends of Italian Opera, where they are frisked for weapons upon registration. A Federal agent, Mulligan, confronts Spats about the St. Valentine's Day shooting, but Spats denies any involvement. Joe and Jerry, cross-dressed as Daphne, recognize Spats from their encounter at the DeLuxe French Cleaners and hurry back to the elevator to avoid him and his henchmen. The scene is tense and confrontational, with moments of humor, and all characters are dressed appropriately for the setting.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Tension building
      • Character interactions
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of deep emotional impact

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively blends humor, tension, and character interactions to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mobsters attending an opera convention and mistaken identities adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as the characters try to avoid a potentially dangerous encounter with mobsters, leading to humorous and tense moments.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic criminal underworld setting by incorporating elements of humor and irony. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the familiar genre.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters show wit, resourcefulness, and humor in dealing with the situation, adding depth and entertainment to the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' quick thinking and resourcefulness are highlighted.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Spats Colombo's internal goal is to maintain his reputation and authority within the criminal underworld. He wants to show strength and control in front of his henchmen and other delegates at the convention.

      External Goal: 7

      Spats Colombo's external goal is to navigate the convention without drawing unwanted attention or suspicion from law enforcement, specifically Federal agent Mulligan.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between the characters and the mobsters, as well as the tension of mistaken identities, creates a high-stakes and engaging situation.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between Spats Colombo and Federal agent Mulligan adding layers of tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how these conflicts will be resolved.

      High Stakes: 7

      The high stakes come from the potential danger of encountering mobsters and the risk of being caught in a mistaken identity situation.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and showcasing the characters' abilities to navigate challenging situations.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the criminal world represented by Spats Colombo and the law enforcement represented by Federal agent Mulligan. This conflict challenges Spats' beliefs in his own power and control over his criminal activities.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene focuses more on humor and tension than deep emotional impact, but still engages the audience through witty dialogue and character interactions.

      Dialogue: 9

      The witty and confrontational dialogue enhances the humor and tension of the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and motivations.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and intrigue. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding conflicts keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying payoff.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues that enhance the visual and narrative elements. The formatting helps to maintain the flow and coherence of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a well-defined structure that effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts between the characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


      Critique
      • The dialogue between Mulligan and Spats is a bit too on-the-nose and expository. It would be more effective if the information were revealed more subtly, through actions or other characters' reactions.
      • The scene could use more visual description. The setting is described as a hotel lobby, but we don't get a clear sense of what it looks like or what the atmosphere is like.
      • The characters of Joe and Jerry are not particularly well-developed. They come across as somewhat one-dimensional and their motivations are not clear.
      • The scene lacks a clear sense of conflict or tension. The characters interact with each other in a fairly superficial way, and there is no real sense of danger or urgency.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and unsatisfying. The reader is left with the feeling that there is more to come, but the scene simply cuts off.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue between Mulligan and Spats to make it more subtle and revealing.
      • Add more visual description to the scene to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
      • Develop the characters of Joe and Jerry more fully by giving them more depth and complexity.
      • Introduce a clear sense of conflict or tension into the scene to make it more engaging and suspenseful.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by providing a resolution to the conflict or tension, or by setting up a new conflict for the next scene.



      Scene 32 -  Tense Elevator Ride and Frantic Packing: Joe and Jerry's Plans to Escape
      INT. ELEVATOR - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      Joe and Jerry scramble inside.

      JOE
      Going up.
      As the elevator operator starts to close the doors, he is
      arrested by --

      SPATS' VOICE
      Hold it.

      Joe and Jerry freeze as Spats steps into the elevator,
      followed by the four henchmen.

      SPATS
      I don't mean to be forward -- but
      ain't I had the pleasure of meeting
      you two broads before?

      JOE
      Oh, no!

      JERRY
      You must be thinking of two other
      broads.

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      You ever been in Chicago?

      JERRY
      Us? We wouldn't be caught dead in
      Chicago.

      Spats, his interest aroused, is now also studying the two
      boys. To their relief, the elevator stops and the operator
      opens the door.

      OPERATOR
      Third floor.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      (to the boys)
      What floor are you on?

      JOE
      Never you mind.

      He waves them away with the hand holding the room key. The
      henchman glances at the numbered tag.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      Room 413 -- we'll be in touch.

      He follows the others out.

      JERRY
      (coyly)
      Don't call us -- we'll call you.
      As the elevator doors start to close, Spats glances over his
      shoulder toward the boys, frowning thoughtfully. In the
      elevator, Joe and Jerry look at each other, swallow hard.

      DISSOLVE TO:

      INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

      Joe and Jerry are frantically dumping their clothes into two
      open suitcases on the bed.

      JERRY
      I tell you, Joe, they're on to us.
      They're going to line us up against
      the wall and --
      (imitating machine
      gun)
      Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh -- and then the police
      are going to find two dead dames,
      and they're going to take us to the
      ladies' morgue, and when they undress
      us -- I tell you, Joe, I'm just going
      to die of shame.

      JOE
      Shut up and keep packing.

      JERRY
      Okay, Joe.

      He picks up an orchid corsage, in a transparent box, from
      the desk, starts to put it into the suitcase.

      JOE
      (grabbing it)
      Not that, you idiot.

      JERRY
      But they're from Osgood. He wanted
      me to wear them tonight.

      Joe tosses the corsage box into the waste basket. Jerry starts
      to pack the maracas.

      JERRY
      I'll never find another man who's so
      good to me.

      Joe fishes out Bienstock's yachting cap from under the bed,
      turns it over in his hand, lost in thought.
      JERRY
      (continues)
      Joe, if we get out of this hotel
      alive, you know what we're going to
      do? We're going to sell the bracelet,
      and grab a boat to South America and
      hide out in one of those banana
      republics --
      (removes bracelet,
      puts it in jewel
      case on desk)
      The way I figure is, if we eat nothing
      but bananas, we can live there for
      fifty years -- maybe a hundred years --
      that is, if we get out of the hotel
      alive.
      (looking around)
      Did we forget anything?

      JOE
      (still studying cap)
      There's our shaving stuff -- and
      there's Sugar.

      JERRY
      Sugar?

      JOE
      (picking up phone)
      Get me Room 414.

      JERRY
      What do you think you're doing?

      JOE
      Making a telephone call.

      JERRY
      Telephone call? Who's got time for
      that?

      JOE
      We can't just walk out on her without
      saying goodbye.

      JERRY
      Since when? Usually you leave 'em
      with nothing but a kick in the teeth.

      JOE
      That's when I was a saxophone player.
      Now I'm a millionaire.

      JERRY
      Drop her a postcard. Any minute now
      those gorillas may be up here --
      JOE
      (into telephone, in a
      Southern female voice)
      Hello, Room 414? This is the ship-to-
      shore operator -- I have a call for
      Miss Sugar Cane.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Musical"]

      Summary Joe and Jerry share an elevator with gangster Spats and his henchmen, leading to a tense exchange. After the henchmen exit on the third floor, Joe and Jerry hurriedly pack in their hotel room, discussing their fears of being caught and planning their escape. They decide to sell the bracelet, take a boat to South America, and hide out in a banana republic if they make it out of the hotel alive. The scene is filled with fear, tension, and moments of humor between the two friends.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Tension building
      • Character dynamics
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of significant character development
      • Slightly predictable plot twists

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively combines humor, suspense, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of mistaken identity, cross-dressing, and evading mobsters in a hotel setting is executed with creativity and humor.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as the characters try to escape the mobsters while packing and making phone calls, adding tension and humor.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'escape from danger' scenario by infusing it with comedic elements and witty dialogue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters' personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, adding depth and humor to the scene.

      Character Changes: 5

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' relationships and dynamics evolve.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in and survive the encounter with Spats and his henchmen. This reflects their deeper need for self-preservation and fear of being caught.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to evade Spats and his henchmen, avoid being caught, and ultimately escape the hotel without any harm coming to them. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      The conflict between the characters and the mobsters adds tension and drives the scene forward.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with Spats and his henchmen posing a significant threat to the protagonists. The audience is unsure of how the protagonists will escape the dangerous situation, adding to the suspense.

      High Stakes: 7

      The characters face the risk of being discovered by the mobsters, adding stakes to the scene.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and setting up future events.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is kept guessing about the protagonists' next moves and the outcome of their predicament.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonists' morality and survival instincts. They must decide whether to prioritize their own safety or show compassion towards Sugar, highlighting the tension between self-preservation and empathy.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene elicits emotions of amusement and anxiety from the audience.

      Dialogue: 9

      The witty and fast-paced dialogue enhances the comedic and suspenseful elements of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, humor, and fast-paced dialogue. The tension and urgency of the situation keep the audience on the edge of their seats, while the comedic elements provide moments of levity.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum. The rapid-fire dialogue and quick transitions between locations keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' plight.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 7

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness and keep the audience engaged.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. Joe and Jerry are frantically packing, but it's not clear what they're trying to achieve or what's preventing them.
      • The dialogue between Joe and Jerry is repetitive and lacks depth. They keep repeating the same concerns and fears without adding anything new to the conversation.
      • The pacing of the scene is too fast. The characters are constantly rushing around and talking over each other, which makes it difficult to follow the action and understand their motivations.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Joe makes a phone call to Sugar, but it's not clear why or what he plans to say to her.
      • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
      Suggestions
      • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene, such as Joe and Jerry trying to escape the hotel before they're caught by Spats' henchmen.
      • Expand and deepen the dialogue between Joe and Jerry by giving them more specific concerns and fears to discuss.
      • Slow down the pacing of the scene by giving the characters more time to react and interact with each other.
      • Give the ending of the scene a more satisfying payoff, such as having Joe and Jerry successfully escape the hotel or having them have a meaningful conversation with Sugar.
      • Consider cutting the scene if it doesn't contribute significantly to the plot or character development.



      Scene 33 -  Joe's Unexpected Departure and Sugar's Resilience
      INT. ROOM 414 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      Dolores, in a robe and hair-curlers, is at the phone. Sugar,
      in a negligee, is stretching out on her bed, dreamily reading
      a copy of Vanity Fair.

      DOLORES
      Hey, Sugar, it's for you -- from the
      yacht.

      Sugar jumps up, grabs the phone eagerly.

      SUGAR
      Hello?

      INT. ROOM 413 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      Jerry is watching Joe on the phone.

      JOE
      (Cary Grant once more)
      Hello, my dearest darling. So good
      to hear your voice again.

      JERRY
      I may throw up.

      He disappears into the bathroom.

      JOE
      (into phone)
      No, I didn't, darling -- to tell the
      truth, I never closed an eye.

      As he and Sugar continue, their telephone conversation,
      INTERCUT between the two rooms.

      SUGAR
      That's funny -- I never slept better.
      And I had the most wonderful dream.
      I was still on the yacht, and the
      anchor broke loose -- and we drifted
      for days and days -- you were the
      captain and I was the crew -- I kept
      a lookout for icebergs, and I sorted
      your shells, and mixed your cocktails,
      and wiped the steam off your glasses --
      and when I woke up, I felt like
      swimming right back to you.
      JOE
      Yes. Now about our date for tonight...

      SUGAR
      I'll meet you on the pier again --
      right after the show.

      JOE
      I'm afraid not. I can't make it
      tonight.

      SUGAR
      Tomorrow night?

      JOE
      Not tomorrow, either. You see, I
      have to leave -- something unexpected
      came up -- I'm sailing right away.

      SUGAR
      Where to? South America? Oh. That is
      unexpected.

      JOE
      You see, we have those oil interests
      in Venezuela -- and I just got a
      cable from Dad -- the board of
      directors decided on a merger.

      SUGAR
      A merger? How long will you be gone?

      JOE
      Quite a while. As a matter of fact,
      I'm not coming back at all.

      SUGAR
      You're not?

      JOE
      It's all rather complicated -- what
      we call high finance -- but it so
      happens that the president of the
      Venezuelan syndicate has a daughter,
      and --

      SUGAR
      Oh -- that kind of a merger. Is she
      young? Pretty?
      JOE
      According to our tax advisers, she's
      only so-so. But -- that's the way
      the oil gushes. A man in my position
      has a certain responsibility to the
      stockholders -- all those little
      people who invest their life savings --

      SUGAR
      Oh, of course. I understand. At least,
      I think I do.

      JOE - ON PHONE.

      JOE
      I knew you would.

      He picks up the jewel case with the diamond bracelet from
      the desk, studies it thoughtfully.

      JOE
      (continues)
      I only wish there were something I
      could do for you.

      SUGAR - ON PHONE.

      SUGAR
      But you have. You've given me all
      that inside information -- first
      thing tomorrow I'm going to call my
      broker and have him buy fifty thousand
      shares of Venezuelan oil.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

      Summary In adjoining hotel rooms, Dolores facilitates a phone call between Sugar and Joe, who is on a yacht. Joe reveals he must leave immediately for Venezuela due to business. Though disappointed, Sugar understands and even sees a potential investment opportunity in Venezuelan oil. The scene is lighthearted and playful, but tinged with sadness due to Joe's departure. Sugar's resilience is on display as she accepts the news with grace.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Character development
      • Humor
      Weaknesses
      • Mild conflict
      • Lack of high stakes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively combines humor, romance, and misunderstandings to create an engaging and entertaining interaction between the characters.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of miscommunication and mistaken identities adds depth to the scene, creating humor and tension.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as Joe and Sugar's relationship develops, with hints of conflict and misunderstanding adding intrigue.

      Originality: 9

      The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of deception and manipulation in a glamorous setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters of Joe and Sugar are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations driving their interactions.

      Character Changes: 6

      There is a subtle shift in Joe and Sugar's relationship as they navigate misunderstandings and revelations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Sugar's internal goal is to maintain her connection with Joe and secure her financial future. She desires love and stability but also shows a willingness to adapt to the circumstances.

      External Goal: 7

      Sugar's external goal is to secure her financial future by investing in Venezuelan oil shares based on Joe's inside information.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 6

      There is a mild level of conflict due to the misunderstandings between Joe and Sugar, adding tension to their relationship.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in the scene is strong, as Joe's unexpected departure creates a conflict that challenges Sugar's goals and beliefs.

      High Stakes: 5

      The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and relationship dynamics.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by deepening the connection between Joe and Sugar and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Joe's sudden departure and Sugar's decision to invest in oil shares.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of insider trading and the ethical implications of using privileged information for personal gain. It challenges Sugar's values and beliefs about honesty and integrity.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes emotions of hope, longing, and humor, engaging the audience in the characters' journey.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, dramatic tension, and unexpected plot twists.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a traditional format for a dialogue-driven scene, effectively intercutting between characters and maintaining a clear progression of events.


      Critique
      • The dialogue between Joe and Sugar on the phone feels forced and unnatural. The language they use is too formal and doesn't reflect the way people actually speak.
      • The information about the merger and the Venezuelan syndicate is confusing and unnecessary. It's not clear why Joe needs to go to Venezuela or what the merger has to do with Sugar.
      • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way. It's mostly just filler.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It's not clear what happens to Joe and Sugar after they hang up the phone.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue between Joe and Sugar to make it more natural and believable.
      • Simplify the information about the merger and the Venezuelan syndicate. Focus on what's important to the story and cut out anything that's unnecessary.
      • Add more conflict or tension to the scene. Something should be at stake for Joe and Sugar. This will make the scene more exciting and engaging.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Show what happens to Joe and Sugar after they hang up the phone. This will give the scene a sense of closure.



      Scene 34 -  Joe's Generous Going Away Gift
      INT. ROOM 413 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      JOE
      (into phone)
      Smart move.
      (reaches into waste
      basket, extracts
      corsage box)
      Oh, by the way -- did you get my
      flowers? You know, those orchids
      from my greenhouse -- the fog finally
      lifted over Long Island, and they
      flew them down this morning.

      As he talks he opens the corsage box, puts the bracelet in
      with the orchids, closes it again.

      JOE
      (continues)
      That's strange -- I sent them to
      your room -- they should have been
      delivered by now --
      Holding the phone in one hand and the corsage box in the
      other, he moves toward the hall door.

      INT. ROOM 414 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      Sugar covers the mouthpiece of the phone, turns to Dolores.

      SUGAR
      Hey, Dolores -- will you see if there
      are any flowers outside?

      Dolores starts toward the hall door.

      INT. FOURTH FLOOR CORRIDOR - DAY

      The door of 413 opens. Joe, having come as far as the length
      of the telephone cord will permit, sets the corsage box down,
      kicks it across the hall to the door of 414. As he closes
      his door, the door of 414 opens. Dolores reaches out, picks
      up the corsage box, starts back inside.

      INT. ROOM 414 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      Dolores brings the corsage box to Sugar.

      SUGAR
      (into phone)
      Yes, they're here.
      (opening box)
      Oh -- white orchids. Would you believe
      it -- I haven't had white orchids
      since I was a debutante.
      (finding bracelet)
      What's this?

      JOE - ON PHONE.

      JOE
      What's what? Oh, that. Just a little
      going away present.

      SUGAR - ON PHONE.

      SUGAR
      Real diamonds. They must be worth
      their weight in gold. Are you always
      this generous?

      JOE - ON PHONE.

      JOE
      Not always. But I want you to know
      I'm very grateful for what you did
      for me.

      SUGAR - ON PHONE.
      SUGAR
      I didn't do anything. It just
      happened.
      Genres: ["Romance","Comedy"]

      Summary In this light-hearted scene, Joe calls Sugar from his greenhouse room (413) to express his gratitude and say goodbye. He mentions sending her orchids and a bracelet as a going away present. Surprised and grateful, Sugar, who is in room 414, receives the orchids and bracelet from a hotel staff member, Dolores. The scene reaches its comedic peak when Joe kicks the corsage box containing the bracelet across the hallway to Sugar's room. The scene concludes with Sugar finding the bracelet and expressing her appreciation for Joe's generosity.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Authentic character interactions
      • Romantic atmosphere
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal conflict
      • Low stakes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively conveys the growing romantic connection between Joe and Sugar through the exchange of gifts and heartfelt conversations. The playful and light-hearted tone adds charm and humor to the interactions, making it an engaging and enjoyable scene to watch.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of romantic gestures and heartfelt conversations between Joe and Sugar is well-executed in the scene. The exchange of orchids and diamonds adds a touch of elegance and luxury to their relationship, enhancing the romantic atmosphere.

      Plot: 7

      The plot progresses as Joe and Sugar continue to bond over gifts and conversations, deepening their connection. The introduction of the orchids and diamonds adds a new layer to their relationship, setting the stage for further development.

      Originality: 8

      The scene introduces unique elements such as the exchange of orchids and diamonds, adding a fresh twist to a familiar scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters of Joe and Sugar are well-developed in the scene, showcasing their growing affection and emotional connection. Their interactions feel genuine and heartfelt, drawing the audience into their budding romance.

      Character Changes: 6

      Both Joe and Sugar experience subtle changes in their relationship, deepening their emotional connection and setting the stage for further development. The exchange of gifts and heartfelt conversations mark a significant moment in their budding romance.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express gratitude and generosity towards the other character. This reflects his desire to show appreciation and maintain a positive relationship.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to give a going away present to the other character. This reflects the immediate circumstance of their impending separation.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 3

      The conflict in the scene is minimal, with the focus primarily on the romantic interactions between Joe and Sugar. The tension is low, allowing for a light-hearted and playful atmosphere to prevail.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in the scene is subtle, with underlying tensions and conflicting emotions driving the characters' actions.

      High Stakes: 4

      The stakes in the scene are relatively low, with the focus on the romantic interactions between Joe and Sugar. The exchange of gifts and heartfelt conversations adds emotional depth to their relationship, but the overall tension is minimal.

      Story Forward: 6

      The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Joe and Sugar, setting the stage for further romantic interactions and plot developments. The exchange of gifts and heartfelt conversations adds depth to their characters and relationship.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected exchange of gifts and the nuanced emotions displayed by the characters.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict between generosity and gratitude evident in this scene. The characters navigate the balance between giving and receiving, reflecting their values and beliefs.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene has a high emotional impact, as Joe and Sugar share intimate moments and heartfelt conversations. The exchange of gifts and romantic gestures adds depth to their relationship, evoking feelings of joy and affection.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue between Joe and Sugar is engaging and heartfelt, capturing the essence of their budding romance. The exchanges feel natural and authentic, adding depth to their characters and relationship.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension and emotional depth in the characters' interactions. The dialogue keeps the audience intrigued about the characters' motivations.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm that allows for emotional beats and character development.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

      Structure: 9

      The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is stilted, unrealistic, and lacks subtext. This is especially evident in Joe's lines, which are overly formal and exposition-heavy. He talks about his orchids and the fog lifting over Long Island, which is irrelevant to the conversation and doesn't reveal anything about his character or his relationship with Sugar.
      • The action is unclear and confusing. It's not clear why Joe is moving toward the hall door or why he sets the corsage box down and kicks it across the hall to the door of 414. The scene would benefit from more detailed stage directions that explain what Joe is doing and why.
      • The scene lacks tension and conflict. The conversation between Joe and Sugar is pleasant and affectionate, but it doesn't drive the story forward or create any sense of urgency. The scene would benefit from a stronger conflict that forces the characters to confront their feelings and make difficult choices.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic. Give the characters more specific things to talk about and avoid exposition-heavy lines.
      • Add more detail to the stage directions to make the action clearer. Explain why Joe is moving toward the hall door and why he sets the corsage box down and kicks it across the hall to the door of 414.
      • Add a stronger conflict to the scene. This could be an internal conflict, such as Joe's struggle to reconcile his feelings for Sugar with his desire for a life of adventure, or an external conflict, such as the threat of Spats Colombo and his henchmen.



      Scene 35 -  The Missing Bracelet and a Hasty Escape
      INT. ROOM 413 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      Jerry emerges from bathroom, carrying their toilet articles
      and an armful of towels embroidered with SEMINOLE-RITZ HOTEL.

      JOE
      (into phone)
      Oh. The navigator just came in --
      we're ready to cast off.

      SUGAR - ON PHONE.

      SUGAR
      Well, anchors aweigh, you have a bon
      voyage. And if you need an orchestra
      to play at your wedding, we'll be
      through here in a couple of weeks.

      INT. ROOM 413 - (CONTINUOUS) - DAY

      JOE
      (into phone)
      Goodbye, my darling.

      He hangs up, stares moodily at the phone. Jerry shuts his
      suitcase.

      JERRY
      I don't know about the captain --
      but the navigator is getting his
      tail out of here.

      JOE
      (snapping out of his
      trance)
      Yeah -- lets shove off.

      They start to gather up their instruments and luggage.

      JERRY
      Wait a minute -- my bracelet.
      (picks up jewel case,
      shuts it, then
      realizes it's empty)
      What happened to my bracelet?

      JOE
      What do you mean, your bracelet?
      It's our bracelet.
      JERRY
      All right. What happened to our
      bracelet?

      JOE
      Don't worry. We did the right thing
      with it.

      JERRY
      What did we do? Joe, you're not
      pulling one of your old tricks.

      JOE
      No tricks, no mirrors, nothing up my
      sleeve. It's on the level this time.

      The door opens and Sugar comes in. The boys whirl around.

      SUGAR
      Where's that bourbon?

      She heads straight for the bureau, starts to open various
      drawers. Joe steps in front of the suitcases to conceal them
      from her.

      JOE
      What's the matter, Sugar?

      SUGAR
      I don't know. All of a sudden, I'm
      thirsty.

      Joe fishes the hot-water bottle out of the open suitcase
      behind him, hands it to Sugar. As she reaches for it, Jerry
      notices the diamond bracelet on her wrist.

      JERRY
      (pointing)
      How did you get that bracelet?

      SUGAR
      You like it?

      JERRY
      I always did.

      SUGAR
      Junior gave it to me. It must have
      at least thirty stones --

      JERRY
      (promptly)
      Thirty-four.
      SUGAR
      He's going to South America to marry
      some other girl -- that's what they
      call high finance.

      JERRY
      That's what I call a louse! If I
      were you, Sugar, I'd throw that
      bracelet right back in his face.

      JOE
      (admonishingly)
      Daphne --

      SUGAR
      He was the first nice guy I ever met
      in my life -- and the only one who
      ever gave me anything.

      JOE
      You'll forget him, Sugar.

      SUGAR
      How can I? No matter where I go,
      there'll always be a Shell station
      on the corner.
      (indicating hot-water
      bottle)
      I'll bring this back when it's empty.

      She exits. Jerry turns on Joe furiously.

      JERRY
      You crazy or something? The place is
      crawling with mobsters -- gangrene
      is setting in -- and you're making
      like Diamond Jim Brady! How are we
      going to get out of here? How are we
      going to eat?

      JOE
      We'll walk. And if we have to, we'll
      starve.

      JERRY
      There you go with that we again.

      He picks up his suitcase, starts toward the door. Joe grabs
      him and pulls him back.

      JOE
      Not that way.
      (heading for window)
      We don't want to run into Spats and
      his chums.
      He steps through the open French window onto the balcony.
      Jerry starts to hand out the instruments and luggage to him.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Crime"]

      Summary In Room 413 of the Seminole-Ritz Hotel, Jerry packs his belongings and discovers his bracelet is missing. Joe reveals they gave it to Sugar, who is unaware of the danger they are in. Jerry is frustrated with Joe for putting them in danger, and they argue about how to leave the hotel safely. They decide to exit through the window to avoid Spats and his gang. The scene ends with Joe and Jerry stepping through the open French window onto the balcony.
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Strong character dynamics
      • Engaging plot twists
      Weaknesses
      • Some cliched moments
      • Slightly predictable plot developments

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively blends humor, romance, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The dialogue is witty, and the character dynamics are well-developed.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of two musicians on the run from mobsters while navigating romantic entanglements is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively sets up the conflict and establishes the stakes for the characters.

      Plot: 7

      The plot advances as the characters make plans to escape the hotel and deal with the consequences of their actions. The tension between the characters and the looming threat of the mobsters add depth to the storyline.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic escape scenario, with unique character dynamics and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their relationships are explored in depth. Their motivations and emotions drive the scene forward and create engaging interactions.

      Character Changes: 7

      The characters undergo subtle changes as they confront their feelings and make decisions that will impact their futures. Their relationships evolve, leading to personal growth and self-discovery.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Jerry's internal goal in this scene is to ensure their safety and survival in a dangerous situation. This reflects his deeper need for security and protection.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the hotel room without encountering the mobsters. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to avoid danger.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between the characters and the looming threat of the mobsters creates tension and drives the scene forward. The stakes are high, adding urgency to the characters' actions.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles, dangers, and conflicts that add complexity and uncertainty to their journey.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes are high as the characters face the threat of mobsters, navigate romantic entanglements, and make decisions that will impact their futures. The tension is palpable, adding urgency to the scene.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, setting up new challenges, and deepening the characters' relationships. It sets the stage for the next act of the narrative.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, character revelations, and tense interactions that keep the audience guessing about the characters' fates.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty, trust, and survival. Jerry questions Joe's actions and motives, highlighting a clash of values and beliefs.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to nostalgia to regret. The characters' vulnerabilities and desires are laid bare, creating a sense of empathy and connection with the audience.

      Dialogue: 9

      The witty and sharp dialogue adds humor and depth to the scene. It reveals the characters' personalities and motivations while moving the plot forward.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency, suspense, and momentum that drives the story forward and keeps the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 7

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions, dialogue, and action sequences that maintain the pacing and tension.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is too verbose and lacks subtext. It feels like the characters are simply stating their intentions and feelings, rather than having a natural conversation.
      • The scene lacks tension and conflict. The characters are simply talking about their plans to leave the hotel, without any sense of urgency or danger.
      • The scene is too short and doesn't give the reader enough time to connect with the characters or the situation.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The characters simply decide to leave, without any resolution to their problems.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and to include more subtext. The characters should have different goals and motivations, and their conversation should reflect that.
      • Add some tension and conflict to the scene. The characters should be facing some kind of obstacle or threat, and their conversation should reflect that.
      • Expand the scene to give the reader more time to connect with the characters and the situation. The scene should have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
      • Rewrite the ending of the scene to be more satisfying. The characters should come to some kind of resolution, even if it's not a happy one.



      Scene 36 -  Spats and Henchmen Leave to Pursue Joe and Jerry
      INT. SPATS' SUITE - DAY

      The four henchmen, in dinner clothes are playing cards in
      the lavishly appointed living room when Spats emerges from
      the bedroom. He is just slipping into his tuxedo coat, and
      his spats are unbuttoned.

      SPATS
      (to Second Henchman)
      Your hands clean?
      (the henchman extends
      his palms up, then
      turns them over)
      Okay. Button my spats.

      He drops into a chair, and the Second Henchman kneels, starts
      to button the spats.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      Say, boss -- I been talking to some
      of the other delegates -- and the
      word is that Little Bonaparte is
      real sore about what happened to
      Toothpick Charlie. Him and Charlie,
      they used to be choir boys together.

      SPATS
      (dryly)
      Stop, or I'll burst out crying.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      He even got Charlie's last toothpick --
      the one from the garage -- and had
      it gold-plated.

      SPATS
      Like I was telling you -- Little
      Bonaparte is getting soft.
      (taps his chest)
      He doesn't have it here any more.
      Used to be like a rock.
      (shaking his head)
      Too bad. I think it's time for him
      to retire.

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      Second the motion.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      How are we going to retire him?
      SPATS
      We'll think of something cute. One
      of these days, Little Bonaparte and
      Toothpick Charlie will be singing in
      the same choir again.

      He points up. Outside the window, Joe appears, climbing down
      a post from the floor above. He lands on the balcony, reaches
      up for the instruments and suitcases which the unseen Jerry
      is passing down to him.

      SPATS
      And this time, we'll make sure there
      are no witnesses.

      The First Henchman glances out the window, sees Jerry climbing
      down the post to join Joe.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      Look -- it's those two broads from
      the elevator.

      Spats turns and looks. The Second Henchman, beaming, crosses
      to the window, calls out.

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      Hey -- join us!

      Joe and Jerry, panic-stricken, peer through the Venetian
      blinds at Spats and his mob. Then they scramble for their
      lives over the railing of the balcony and down, their hats
      and wigs knocked askew.

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      What's the matter with those dames?

      SPATS
      Maybe those dames ain't dames!

      He yanks up the Venetian blinds, steps quickly out onto the
      balcony, looks down over the railing. Then he picks up the
      bull-fiddle, drags it through the window into the room.

      SPATS
      Same faces -- same instruments --
      (pointing at bullet
      holes)
      -- and here's your Valentine's card.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      (catching on)
      Those two musicians from the garage!
      SPATS
      They wouldn't be caught dead in
      Chicago -- so we'll finish the job
      here. Come on.

      Led by Spats, they all dash out of the room.

      After a moment, Joe's and Jerry's heads appear cautiously
      over the balcony railing. Seeing that the room is empty,
      they climb up, rush in through the open windows.

      JERRY
      All right -- so what do we do now?

      JOE
      First thing we got to do is get out
      of these clothes.

      He opens the door to the corridor and they peer out.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Musical"]

      Summary In Spats' suite, Spats and his henchmen are playing cards when they recognize Joe and Jerry, disguised as musicians, outside on the balcony. Spats realizes they are the men from the garage and leads his henchmen out to finish them off, leaving the room empty. This creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, but also a touch of humor. Joe and Jerry are then able to enter the room and plan their next move.
      Strengths
      • Engaging plot
      • Witty dialogue
      • Tense conflict
      • Humorous elements
      Weaknesses
      • Limited emotional depth
      • Slightly predictable escape scenario

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is engaging, filled with humor, suspense, and action. It moves the plot forward and sets up a high-stakes situation.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of cross-dressing characters trying to escape a dangerous gangster adds a unique and comedic element to the scene.

      Plot: 8

      The plot is well-developed, with the characters facing a dangerous situation and trying to escape, leading to a tense and exciting sequence of events.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces unique characters and situations, with fresh approaches to familiar themes of crime and survival. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their actions and dialogue.

      Character Changes: 6

      The characters don't undergo significant changes in this scene, but their relationships and dynamics evolve as they face a dangerous situation.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to avoid being caught by Spats and his mob. This reflects their fear of being discovered and their desire to escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Spats and his henchmen without being caught. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between the characters and the gangster adds tension and suspense to the scene.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with Spats and his henchmen posing a significant threat to the protagonist's safety. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles in their way.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters are in danger of being caught by a dangerous gangster, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict, raising the stakes, and setting up the next series of events.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating tension. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of the characters' actions. Spats and his henchmen are willing to go to extreme lengths to eliminate any potential threats, while Joe and Jerry are trying to survive and escape without causing harm to anyone.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene is more focused on humor and action than deep emotional moments, but there are hints of emotional depth in the characters' interactions.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the scene forward, adding depth to the characters and the situation.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' predicament and invested in their escape.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of escape. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Spats and his henchmen playing cards, which is a bit mundane and doesn't add much to the plot. It might be more effective to start the scene with Spats and his henchmen discussing their plans to retire Little Bonaparte, which would create a more immediate sense of danger for Joe and Jerry.
      • The dialogue between Spats and his henchmen is a bit forced and unnatural. It would be more effective if the dialogue were more concise and to the point.
      • The scene lacks a clear sense of stakes. It's not clear what Joe and Jerry stand to lose if they're caught by Spats and his henchmen. This could be fixed by adding a line or two of dialogue that makes it clear what the consequences would be for Joe and Jerry if they're caught.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Joe and Jerry climbing up onto the balcony and rushing into the room through the open windows. This ending is a bit anticlimactic and doesn't give the reader a sense of closure. It would be more effective if the scene ended with Joe and Jerry finding themselves face-to-face with Spats and his henchmen, leaving the reader on the edge of their seat.
      Suggestions
      • Start the scene with Spats and his henchmen discussing their plans to retire Little Bonaparte.
      • Make the dialogue between Spats and his henchmen more concise and to the point.
      • Add a line or two of dialogue that makes it clear what the consequences would be for Joe and Jerry if they're caught.
      • End the scene with Joe and Jerry finding themselves face-to-face with Spats and his henchmen.



      Scene 37 -  The Daring Escape: Joe and Jerry Impersonate the Old Man and His Bellhop
      INT. THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR - DAY

      There is no sign of Spats and his boys. The elevator door is
      just opening, and the Bellhop emerges, pushing the old man
      in the wheelchair. Joe and Jerry watch as the Bellhop wheels
      the old man into one of the rooms. They look at each other,
      as the same idea occurs to them both, nod their heads in
      agreement. Slipping out of Spats' room, they cross the
      corridor to the old man's room, start inside.

      DISSOLVE TO:

      INT. LOBBY - DAY

      The elevator doors open, and a Bellhop backs out with a man
      in a wheel chair. As they turn INTO CAMERA, we discover that
      the bellhop is Jerry -- the uniform fitting him much too
      snugly -- and the blanket-covered figure in the wheel chair
      is Joe, dressed in the old man's suit, Panama hat, and dark
      glasses.

      As Jerry and Joe proceed with dignity toward the front door,
      we see Spats and his henchmen deployed in strategic positions
      around the lobby. Jerry wheels Joe past Spats.

      Spats glances at them casually, then becomes aware of a
      strange CLACKING SOUND. He looks down.

      There is something decidedly odd about the bellhop -- because
      his trouser-legs terminate in high-heeled shoes.
      Spats, grinning smugly, signals the two henchmen who are
      guarding the front door. They start to close in on Joe and
      Jerry. Jerry abruptly spins the wheel chair around, trundles
      it toward the rear of the lobby. The other to henchmen take
      up the chase. Jerry and Joe disappear into a corridor leading
      toward the rear of the hotel. As the pursuing henchmen start
      to turn into the corridor, the empty wheel chair comes
      whizzing toward them. The henchmen stumble over it, become
      momentarily entangled.

      Joe and Jerry, sprinting down the corridor, reach an open
      door, dart inside. The henchmen come racing up, and passing
      the door, round a bend in the corridor.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Action"]

      Summary In the third-floor corridor and lobby of a hotel, Joe and Jerry notice the absence of Spats and his henchmen. They decide to impersonate the old man and his bellhop by stealing their identities. Jerry wheels Joe, disguised in the old man's suit, out of the hotel while being pursued by Spats and his henchmen. They manage to escape by tricking the henchmen with the empty wheelchair and disappearing into a corridor. The scene is tense and thrilling, with a hint of humor as Joe and Jerry successfully outsmart Spats and his henchmen.
      Strengths
      • Effective blend of comedy and tension
      • Engaging chase sequence
      • Creative use of disguises and physical comedy
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development
      • Some cliched elements in the chase sequence

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-executed, blending humor with tension effectively. The use of disguises and physical comedy adds to the entertainment value, while the high-stakes chase keeps the audience engaged.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the scene, involving a daring escape from gangsters using disguises and physical comedy, is well-developed and executed. It adds depth to the plot and showcases the resourcefulness of the characters.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Joe and Jerry's attempt to escape from Spats and his henchmen, leading to a high-stakes chase through the hotel. The plot is engaging and moves the story forward effectively.

      Originality: 9

      The scene is original in its use of disguise and deception as a means of escape. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters of Joe and Jerry are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their resourcefulness and quick thinking. Their dynamic as a comedic duo adds to the entertainment value of the scene.

      Character Changes: 5

      While there is not significant character development in this scene, Joe and Jerry's resourcefulness and quick thinking are highlighted, showcasing their ability to adapt to challenging situations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to outsmart Spats and his henchmen and escape without being caught. This reflects their desire for survival and freedom.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade capture by Spats and his henchmen and successfully escape from the hotel. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict in the scene is high, as Joe and Jerry are pursued by dangerous gangsters. The tension and suspense are heightened by the chase through the hotel, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with Spats and his henchmen providing a formidable challenge for the protagonist. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in the scene are high, as Joe and Jerry are pursued by dangerous gangsters who are intent on capturing them. The tension and suspense are heightened by the imminent threat of being caught.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward significantly, as Joe and Jerry's escape from Spats and his henchmen sets up the next phase of the plot. It introduces new obstacles and challenges for the characters to overcome.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' next moves.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict in this scene is between deception and truth. Joe and Jerry are deceiving Spats and his henchmen in order to escape, which challenges their beliefs about honesty and integrity.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the tension and suspense of the chase. The audience is invested in the characters' escape and feels a sense of relief when they outsmart the gangsters.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene is witty and humorous, reflecting the characters' personalities and the tone of the scene. It adds to the comedic elements and helps drive the action forward.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and clever plot twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with a good balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


      Critique
      • The scene is a bit confusing, as it is not immediately clear what Joe and Jerry's plan is. It would be helpful to provide more context about their situation and what they are trying to achieve.
      • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It would be more engaging if the characters spoke in a more informal and conversational way.
      • The scene could be more visually interesting. For example, you could describe the setting in more detail or use more action verbs to create a sense of movement.
      • The scene is a bit too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. It would be more satisfying if you could provide a stronger sense of resolution.
      Suggestions
      • Add more context about Joe and Jerry's situation and what they are trying to achieve.
      • Make the dialogue more informal and conversational.
      • Use more descriptive language to create a more visually interesting scene.
      • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
      • Provide a stronger sense of resolution at the end of the scene.



      Scene 38 -  Joe and Jerry's Hideaway Amidst Spats Colombo's Birthday Celebration
      INT. PANTRY - DAY

      In the center of the room stands a huge cake, and two
      convention officials are decorating it under the watchful
      eye of Johnny Paradise, who leans against the wall
      monotonously tossing a coin into the air. One of the
      officials, wielding a confectioner's cone, has almost finished
      lettering the inscription HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPATS.

      Joe and Jerry burst in from the corridor, and the three hoods
      look up, startled. Before they can recover, the boys have
      scooted across the room and out another door.

      INT. BANQUET ROOM - DAY

      Joe and Jerry come dashing in breathlessly, stop to get their
      bearings. Dominating the room is a U-shaped table, covered
      with flowers and about thirty place-settings, with a half
      grapefruit on each plate. On the wall behind the head of the
      table is the banner welcoming the Friends of Italian Opera.
      The boys glance around the empty room, make a beeline for
      the main entrance. As they reach the door, it starts to open,
      and voices are HEARD from the corridor.

      They turn desperately toward a second door, but that too is
      opening. Trapped, they duck under the banquet table,
      disappearing behind the long white tablecloth just as the
      banqueteers start to troop in. They are the same mugs we saw
      in the lobby, but they are now dressed in tuxedos or white
      dinner jackets. Chatting amiably, they move to their places
      at the table.

      Under the table, Joe and Jerry huddle together as the
      delegates start to seat themselves. Suddenly a pair of legs
      slide beneath the tablecloth directly in front of them --
      and the boys recoil when they see that the owner's shoes are
      encased in spats.

      Spats Colombo is settling himself at the table, while his
      four henchmen take the seats on either side of him.
      SPATS
      What happened?

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      Me and Tiny, we had them cornered --
      but we lost 'em in the shuffle.

      SPATS
      (turning to other two
      henchmen)
      Where were you guys?

      SECOND HENCHMAN
      Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.

      SPATS
      Why, you stupid --

      He picks up the half-grapefruit in front of him, and is about
      to ram it in the henchman's face.

      FIRST HENCHMAN
      It's all right, boss -- we'll get
      'em after the banquet. They can't be
      too far away.

      Under the table, Joe and Jerry exchange a panicky look.

      There is a burst of APPLAUSE from the delegates as through
      the door strides LITTLE BONAPARTE, accompanied by half a
      dozen convention officials. Little Bonaparte is short, bald,
      vicious, and wears a hearing aid. As he proceeds toward the
      head of the table, his pose is Napoleonic -- head bowed,
      hands clasped behind his back. Spats and his henchmen
      pointedly abstain from applauding. Little Bonaparte remains
      standing at the place of honor while his associates seat
      themselves.
      BONAPARTE
      Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's
      been ten years since I elected myself
      president of this organization --
      and if I say so myself, you made the
      right choice. Let's look at the
      record. We have fought off the
      crackpots who want to repeal
      Prohibition and destroy the American
      home -- by bringing the corner saloon.
      We have stamped out the fly-by-night
      operators who endangered public health
      by brewing gin in their own bathtubs,
      which is very unsanitary. We have
      made a real contribution to national
      prosperity -- we are helping the
      automobile industry by buying all
      those trucks, the glass industry by
      using all those bottles, and the
      steel industry -- you know, all those
      corkscrews. And what's good for the
      country is good for us. In the last
      fiscal year, our income was a hundred
      and twelve million dollars before
      taxes -- only we ain't paying no
      taxes.

      The delegates applaud.

      BONAPARTE
      (continues)
      Of course, like in every business,
      we've had our little
      misunderstandings. Let us now rise
      and observe one minute of silence in
      memory of seven of our members from
      Chicago -- North Side chapter -- who
      are unable to be with us tonight on
      account of being rubbed out.

      All the delegates rise and bow their heads -- except Spats
      and his henchmen.

      BONAPARTE
      (continues; sharply)
      You too, Spats. Up!

      Spats and his boys get up reluctantly, join the others in
      silent tribute.
      Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Drama"]

      Summary Joe and Jerry, on the run from Spats Colombo's henchmen, enter a pantry where a cake is being decorated for Colombo's birthday. They see convention officials, Johnny Paradise, and Colombo's henchmen, and quickly leave. In the banquet room, they hide under a table as Colombo and his henchmen enter and sit down. Little Bonaparte, the president of the organization, makes a speech about their achievements and asks for a moment of silence for seven members who were 'rubbed out'. The scene is tense and anxious, with conflicts between Joe and Jerry and Colombo's henchmen, and between Colombo and his henchmen. The visual elements include a decorated cake, a banquet room with a U-shaped table, and Joe and Jerry hiding under the table.
      Strengths
      • Tension
      • Humor
      • Character Dynamics
      Weaknesses
      • Pacing
      • Lack of Character Development

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively combines tension, comedy, and drama to create a compelling and engaging sequence. The interaction between the characters, especially Joe and Jerry, keeps the audience on edge while also providing moments of humor.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of Joe and Jerry being caught in a dangerous situation with gangsters at an opera-themed banquet is unique and intriguing. The juxtaposition of criminal activities with the formal setting of the banquet adds depth to the scene.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Joe and Jerry trying to evade detection by Spats Colombo and his henchmen while trapped under the banquet table. The tension builds as the gangsters discuss their plans, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic mobster genre, focusing on the protagonists' attempts to evade the mobsters in a high-stakes situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene, particularly Spats Colombo and his henchmen, are well-defined and add depth to the conflict. Joe and Jerry's reactions to the situation showcase their resourcefulness and wit, making them relatable and engaging.

      Character Changes: 6

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters reveal more about their personalities and motivations. Joe and Jerry's resourcefulness and quick thinking are highlighted, showcasing their ability to adapt to challenging circumstances.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to avoid being caught by the mobsters and escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects their fear of being discovered and the consequences that may follow.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to evade the mobsters and find a way out of the banquet room without being caught. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, with Joe and Jerry facing imminent danger from Spats Colombo and his henchmen. The tension is palpable as the characters navigate the precarious situation, adding depth to the narrative.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with the mobsters posing a significant threat to the protagonists and creating a sense of danger and urgency.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene, as Joe and Jerry must evade detection by dangerous gangsters while trapped under a banquet table. The threat of violence and the characters' precarious situation heighten the tension and suspense.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and setting up the next stage of the narrative. Joe and Jerry's encounter with Spats Colombo adds complexity to their predicament and raises the stakes for their escape.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns as the protagonists try to evade the mobsters and escape the dangerous situation.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the criminal underworld represented by Spats and the protagonist's desire to escape and avoid being involved in criminal activities. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as they are forced to navigate a world they do not want to be a part of.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from apprehension to amusement, as the characters find themselves in a perilous situation. The audience is invested in the outcome, creating a sense of emotional engagement.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp and impactful, conveying the tension and humor of the situation effectively. The exchanges between the characters reveal their motivations and personalities, adding depth to the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and high stakes for the protagonists. The audience is drawn into the tension and danger of the situation.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the protagonists try to escape the mobsters and avoid being caught.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions and action lines that enhance the pacing and tension.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense as the protagonists try to escape the mobsters.


      Critique
      • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
      • Some of the dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural.
      • The scene would be more interesting if there were more conflict between the characters.
      • The characters are not very well developed and their motivations are not clear.
      Suggestions
      • Shorten the scene by cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
      • Add more conflict between the characters, such as a disagreement or a fight.
      • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.



      Scene 39 -  Johnny Paradise's Surprise Attack
      INT. PANTRY - DAY

      The inscribed top of the cake has been lifted off to reveal
      a hollow interior. Johnny Paradise is climbing inside.
      SECOND OFFICIAL
      Easy now. You know when you come
      out?

      PARADISE
      Yeah. The second time they sing --
      (singing)
      For he's a jolly good fel-low Which
      nobody can deny.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      Okay.
      (handing him a
      submachine gun)
      And don't mess up the cake -- I
      promised to bring back a piece to my
      kids.

      Johnny Paradise squats down inside the cake. The officials
      set the lid back in place.

      INT. BANQUET ROOM - DAY

      The minute of silence is over, and the delegates are seating
      themselves. Little Bonaparte remains on his feet.

      BONAPARTE
      Now, fellow delegates, there comes a
      time in the life of every business
      executive when he starts to think
      about retirement.

      There are ad lib cries of "No! No!" from the delegates.

      Little Bonaparte holds up his hand.

      BONAPARTE
      (continues)
      In looking around for somebody to
      fill my shoes, I've been considering
      several candidates. For instance,
      there is a certain party from Chicago --
      South Side Chapter.

      He glances in the direction of Spats. Spats' henchmen turn
      and look at their boss.
      BONAPARTE
      (continues)
      Now some people say he's gotten a
      little too big for his spats -- but
      I say he's a man who'll go far. Some
      people say he's gone too far -- but
      I say you can't keep a good man down.
      Of course, he still has a lot to
      learn. That big noise he made on St.
      Valentine's Day -- that wasn't very
      good for public relations. And letting
      those two witnesses get away -- that
      sure was careless.

      Under the table, Joe and Jerry try to make themselves as
      small as possible.

      SPATS
      Don't worry about those two guys --
      they're as good as dead -- I almost
      caught up with them today.

      BONAPARTE
      (turning on hearing
      aid)
      You mean you let them get away twice?
      (clicks his tongue)
      Some people would say that was real
      sloppy -- but I say to err is human,
      to forgive divine. And you, Spats --
      the boys told me you was having a
      birthday -- so we baked you a little
      cake.

      SPATS
      My birthday? It ain't for another
      four months.

      BONAPARTE
      So we're a little early. So what's a
      few months between friends?
      (turning to the others)
      All right, boys -- now all together --
      (singing)
      For he's a jolly good fellow....

      The other delegates, including Spats' henchmen, join in the
      song. The lights are extinguished, and from the pantry come
      the two officials, pushing a cart on which stands the cake,
      with candles blazing. They wheel the cake up directly in
      front of Spats, who eyes it uneasily. Little Bonaparte,
      meanwhile, is conducting the song with relish. As the singers
      reach the climactic line, the top of the cake tears open and
      out pops Johnny Paradise. Aiming his machine gun at Spats
      and his henchmen, he starts blazing away.
      Under the table, Joe and Jerry cringe.

      Little Bonaparte winces, turns down the volume of his hearing
      aid -- he can't stand loud noises.

      Spats' four henchmen have slumped across the table. Spats is
      clutching his chest.

      SPATS
      Big joke!

      His eyes close, and he starts to slip out of his chair.

      Under the table, Joe and Jerry react as Spats' body comes
      sliding toward them, feet first.

      JOE
      Let's get out of here.

      He grabs Jerry, pulls him out from under the table.

      The delegates, who are watching Johnny Paradise scramble out
      of the cake, are momentarily off guard as Joe and Jerry streak
      across the darkened banquet room toward the pantry door.

      BONAPARTE
      Get those two guys!

      Four of the officials rush into the pantry after Joe and
      Jerry. At the same time, the main door opens, and Mulligan
      strides in. Standing in the corridor behind him are several
      frightened waiters. Mulligan switches on the lights, looks
      down at the five corpses.

      MULLIGAN
      What happened here?

      BONAPARTE
      (blandly)
      There was something in that cake
      that didn't agree with them.

      Mulligan crosses to the cake, glances inside, then turns to
      Little Bonaparte.

      MULLIGAN
      My compliments to the chef. And
      nobody's leaving this room till I
      get the recipe!

      BONAPARTE
      You want to make a Federal case out
      of it?
      MULLIGAN
      (grabs hearing aid,
      yells into mike)
      Yeah!
      Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Musical"]

      Summary In the pantry, Johnny Paradise hides in a cake and ambushes Spats and his henchmen in the banquet room. Little Bonaparte, who can't stand loud noises, winces and turns down his hearing aid during the chaos. Joe and Jerry escape, and Mulligan arrives to investigate. The scene ends with Mulligan demanding answers and Little Bonaparte trying to downplay the situation.
      Strengths
      • Creative concept
      • Humorous dialogue
      • Suspenseful action
      Weaknesses
      • Limited emotional depth
      • Slightly predictable outcome

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively combines humor, suspense, and action in a creative and entertaining manner, keeping the audience engaged and surprised throughout.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of a surprise attack from inside a cake at a banquet, leading to chaos and a narrow escape, is innovative and well-executed, adding a unique twist to the typical crime comedy genre.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around a high-stakes situation at a banquet, with the main characters trying to escape from danger while chaos ensues. The pacing is fast-paced and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

      Originality: 9

      The scene features a fresh approach to the crime genre, combining elements of suspense, humor, and action. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters in the scene play their roles effectively, with distinct personalities and motivations driving their actions. The main characters show resourcefulness and quick thinking in the face of danger.

      Character Changes: 6

      While the main characters do not undergo significant changes in this scene, their resourcefulness and quick thinking showcase their adaptability and ability to handle high-pressure situations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Johnny Paradise's internal goal is to successfully carry out his mission to eliminate Spats and his henchmen. This reflects his desire for revenge and justice, as well as his commitment to his criminal organization.

      External Goal: 7

      Johnny Paradise's external goal is to eliminate Spats and his henchmen without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in executing his mission while maintaining secrecy and avoiding detection.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, with the main characters facing imminent danger and trying to outsmart their adversaries in a tense and chaotic situation.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with Joe and Jerry facing multiple obstacles and challenges as they try to escape. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the characters' fates and the escalating conflict.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene, with the main characters' lives in danger and a chaotic situation unfolding at a crucial moment in the story.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict, putting the main characters in a dangerous situation, and setting up further developments in the plot.

      Unpredictability: 9

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot developments, dark humor, and character interactions. The audience is kept on edge by the twists and turns of the narrative.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loyalty, betrayal, and power. Little Bonaparte's speech highlights the complexities of criminal relationships and the consequences of disloyalty within the criminal underworld.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene focuses more on humor and suspense than emotional depth, but the audience is still engaged and entertained by the characters' reactions and the unexpected turn of events.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene is witty, engaging, and adds to the humor and tension of the situation. The banter between characters and the interactions during the chaos enhance the overall entertainment value.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its blend of tension, humor, and action. The unexpected plot twists and character dynamics keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding events. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the plot developments and character dynamics.


      Critique
      • The scene is well-written and suspenseful, but it suffers from a few pacing issues.
      • The beginning of the scene is a bit slow, and it takes a while for the action to get started.
      • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise in some places.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it would be more satisfying if it were given a bit more time to breathe.
      • Overall, this is a solid scene, but it could be improved with a few minor tweaks.
      Suggestions
      • Consider cutting some of the dialogue at the beginning of the scene to get the action started more quickly.
      • Add a few more details to the setting to help the reader visualize the scene.
      • Give the ending of the scene a bit more time to breathe by adding a few more lines of dialogue or action.
      • Consider adding a twist to the ending of the scene to make it more surprising.



      Scene 40 -  Escape and Evasion in the Hotel Lobby
      INT. LOBBY - NIGHT

      Joe and Jerry bolt out of the rear corridor, go pounding up
      the stairs, followed by two of the officials. As they
      disappear from sight, CAMERA PANS OVER to the elevator. The
      door opens, and out step Joe and Jerry, wearing their wigs
      and girls' coats.

      As the boys mince daintily toward the front door, they see
      the other two officials coming toward them. They change their
      course abruptly. The first two officials come hurrying down
      the stairs.

      FIRST OFFICIAL
      They slipped right through our hands.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      Don't worry. We got our guys watching
      the railroad station, the roads, the
      airport -- they can't get away.

      JERRY
      (to Joe, in a hoarse
      whisper)
      Did you hear that?

      JOE
      Yeah, but they're not watching yachts.
      Come on -- you're going to call
      Osgood.

      He steers Jerry toward a row of telephone booths near the
      entrance to the ballroom. There is an easel sign outside
      announcing that Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators are
      appearing nightly in the Peacock Room, and from inside comes
      the SOUND of MUSIC.

      JERRY
      What'll I tell him?

      JOE
      Tell him you're going to elope with
      him.

      JERRY
      Elope? But there are laws --
      conventions --
      JOE
      (jerking his thumb
      over his shoulder)
      There's a convention, all right.
      There's also the ladies' morgue.

      He shoves Jerry toward a phone booth. Jerry reaches under
      his coat for a coin, revealing the rolled up trousers of the
      Bellhop uniform underneath.

      As he steps into the phone booth, Joe becomes aware of the
      SOUND of sugar's VOICE drifting up from the ballroom. She is
      singing "I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE." Almost despite himself, Joe
      finds himself drawn toward the ballroom entrance.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Musical"]

      Summary Joe and Jerry, disguised as women, exit the rear corridor and enter the hotel lobby to avoid officials. They head to a row of telephone booths, and Joe convinces Jerry to call Osgood for help. Meanwhile, Sugar's voice singing 'I'm Through with Love' draws Joe to the ballroom. The officials continue their pursuit, but Joe and Jerry manage to evade them for now. The scene ends with Joe hearing Sugar's voice and being drawn to the ballroom, while Jerry makes the call to Osgood.
      Strengths
      • Blend of comedy, crime, and romance
      • Engaging dialogue
      • High stakes and tension
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of significant character development
      • Some cliched elements in the plot

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively blends humor, suspense, and romance, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The stakes are high, and the characters' actions drive the plot forward.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of two men disguised as women trying to escape from gangsters at a hotel is unique and provides ample opportunities for comedy and tension.

      Plot: 8

      The plot is well-developed, with Joe and Jerry facing obstacles as they try to escape while maintaining their disguises. The introduction of the gangsters adds a layer of danger and suspense.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic escape scenario by incorporating elements of disguise, deception, and quick decision-making. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters of Joe and Jerry are well-defined, with their personalities shining through their actions and dialogue. Sugar's presence adds a romantic element to the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, we see Joe and Jerry adapting to their circumstances and using their wit to outsmart their enemies.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal is to escape capture and avoid getting caught by the officials. This reflects their deeper need for freedom and survival.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to call Osgood and inform him about their plan to elope. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining their disguise and executing their escape plan.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict in the scene is high, with Joe and Jerry facing the threat of being caught by the gangsters. The tension is palpable as they try to outsmart their pursuers.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with the officials closing in on Joe and Jerry, creating a sense of urgency and danger. The audience is unsure of how the protagonists will overcome this obstacle.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene, with Joe and Jerry facing the threat of being caught by the gangsters. Their escape is crucial for their survival, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene propels the story forward as Joe and Jerry take decisive actions to escape from the hotel. The introduction of the gangsters and the impending danger add urgency to the narrative.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' quick thinking and unexpected decisions. The audience is kept on their toes as Joe and Jerry navigate the situation.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following societal conventions and breaking the law to achieve freedom. Joe encourages Jerry to elope despite the laws and conventions, highlighting the clash between personal desires and societal norms.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and anxiety to romance and nostalgia. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and rooting for their escape.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the humor and tension of the situation. The interactions between Joe and Jerry, as well as their phone conversation with Osgood, are particularly well-written.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is invested in the characters' escape and the outcome of their plan.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and tension. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and drives the narrative forward effectively.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear descriptions of actions, dialogue, and setting. The use of camera directions enhances the visual storytelling.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows the expected structure for a fast-paced, action-driven sequence in a comedy genre. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


      Critique
      • The scene is a bit confusing, with too many characters and actions happening at once.
      • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural, and it doesn't do much to advance the plot.
      • The scene doesn't really have a clear purpose or direction, and it feels like it could be cut without losing anything important.
      • The scene is too long and could be cut down to make it more concise and impactful.
      Suggestions
      • Cut down on the number of characters and actions happening at once to make the scene easier to follow.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, and to better advance the plot.
      • Give the scene a clearer purpose or direction, and make sure that it contributes to the overall story.
      • Cut down on the length of the scene to make it more concise and impactful.



      Scene 41 -  Escaping to a New Beginning: Joe and Sugar's Emotional Escape
      INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT

      Joe appears in the vestibule at the top of the stairs, looks
      down.

      From his point of view, we see Sugar perched on top of the
      piano, bathed in a spotlight. She is a little drunk, and
      more than a little blue, and she is singing the lyrics with
      heartbreaking conviction.

      Joe, watching her from the landing, is deeply moved.

      Slowly, he starts down the steps.

      One the bandstand, Sugar is winding up the torchy ballad,
      when suddenly Joe steps into the spotlight. Without a word,
      he takes her in his arms, kisses her.

      SUGAR
      (shocked)
      Josephine!!

      Nearby, Sweet Sue is watching open-mouthed.

      SUE
      (screaming)
      BIENSTOCK!

      Bienstock, who is standing near the reservation desk, turns
      and peer myopically toward the bandstand. At the same time,
      two of the convention officials come up behind him.

      SECOND OFFICIAL
      (pointing)
      Hey -- that's no dame!

      He and his companion rush toward the bandstand.

      On the bandstand, Joe is brushing a tear away from Sugar's
      cheek.
      JOE
      (in a male voice)
      None of that, Sugar -- no guy is
      worth it.

      He catches sight of the two officials bearing down on him,
      leaping from the bandstand, shoulders his way through the
      couples on the dance floor. With the two officials on his
      heels, Joe gallops up the stairs.

      On the bandstand, all is confusion, as the girls stop playing
      and stand up. Sugar is staring after Joe in complete
      bewilderment.

      SUGAR
      Josephine???

      Suddenly it dawns on her -- that kiss! Her eyes widen, her
      hand flies to her mouth, and she looks with growing
      comprehension at the bracelet on her wrist.

      INT. LOBBY - NIGHT

      Jerry is just stepping out of the phone booth when Joe bursts
      out of the ballroom entrance.

      JERRY
      It's all fixed! Osgood is meeting us
      on the pier --

      JOE
      We're not on the pier yet --

      He grabs Jerry, and they take off across the lobby, as their
      pursuers appear behind them.

      The boys head for the front door, but finding their way
      blocked by the other two officials, they reverse their field
      and hotfoot it toward the rear corridor. The four officials
      converge on their trail.

      Joe and Jerry charge down the rear corridor, go skidding
      around the corner. As the officials come tooling after them,
      two ambulance attendants round the turn in the corridor,
      pushing a wheeled stretcher. On the slap is a boy, covered
      with a sheet that hangs down the sides, and sticking out
      from the end of the sheet are a pair of spat-covered shoes.

      The four officials make way for this grisly cargo, then resume
      the chase.

      As the ambulance attendants wheel the stretcher toward the
      lobby, the trailing sheet lifts up, and Joe and Jerry, who
      have been clinging to the under-carriage, hop out. They tear
      across the lobby and scoot out the front door.
      DISSOLVE TO:

      EXT. PIER - NIGHT

      Osgood is waiting impatiently on the pier. He hears something,
      looks off toward the beach.

      Jerry and Joe, still wearing their wigs and girls' coats,
      come scrambling down the steps, race across the planking
      toward the pier.

      On the pier, Osgood's face lights up. Jerry comes puffing up
      the stairs, followed by Joe.

      JERRY
      This is my friend Josephine -- she's
      going to be a bridesmaid.

      OSGOOD
      Pleased to meet you.

      JERRY
      (grabbing him)
      Come on!

      He practically drags Osgood down the stairs leading to the
      motorboat.

      OSGOOD
      (over his shoulder,
      to Joe)
      She's so eager!

      Swooping down from the beach on a bicycle comes Sugar, pumping
      like mad. The bicycle bounces down the steps, and Sugar pedals
      across the planking, sounding her HORN.

      Osgood and Jerry have settled themselves in the front seat
      of the motorboat, and Joe is getting into the rear seat when
      he hears the SOUND of the bicycle HORN. He looks back.

      Osgood starts the motor. Sugar comes racing up the stairs
      tot he pier, leans over the railing.

      SUGAR
      (calling down)
      Wait for Sugar!

      She hurries toward the other staircase.

      In the motorboat, Osgood turns to Jerry.

      OSGOOD
      Another bridesmaid?
      JERRY
      Flower girl.

      Sugar comes charging down the stairs, starts to get into the
      rear seat beside Joe.

      JOE
      Sugar! What do you think you're doing?

      SUGAR
      I told you -- I'm not very bright.

      JERRY
      (clapping Osgood on
      the back)
      Let's go!

      The motorboat takes off with a ROAR.
      Genres: ["Comedy","Romance","Musical"]

      Summary In a nighttime ballroom event, Joe reveals his true identity to Sugar, leading to a romantic kiss. As officials confront them, Jerry helps Joe and Sugar escape, hiding under a stretcher and making their way to the pier. Osgood waits, and Sugar joins them on a motorboat, beginning their new journey together. This emotional and intense scene resolves the conflict of Joe's revealed identity, ending with relief and a sense of a fresh start.
      Strengths
      • Engaging blend of genres
      • Emotional impact
      • Witty dialogue
      • Strong character interactions
      • Surprising twists
      Weaknesses
      • Some elements may feel rushed
      • Character motivations could be clearer

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is engaging, entertaining, and emotionally impactful, with a good balance of comedy and romance. The fast-paced action and surprising twists keep the audience hooked.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of mistaken identities, romantic entanglements, and comedic chase sequences is well-executed and adds depth to the scene. The blend of genres creates a unique and entertaining narrative.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed, with a mix of comedy, romance, and action driving the scene forward. The mistaken identities, chase sequence, and emotional moments all contribute to the overall narrative.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic mistaken identity trope, with unexpected twists and comedic elements that set it apart from similar scenes.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are engaging and well-defined, with Joe, Sugar, and Osgood standing out in this scene. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the story and create memorable moments.

      Character Changes: 7

      The characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, particularly Sugar, who experiences a moment of realization and emotional growth. Joe also shows vulnerability and depth in his interactions with Sugar.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to comfort Sugar and protect her from the consequences of their actions. This reflects Joe's caring nature and desire to shield Sugar from harm.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal is to evade the convention officials chasing them and escape the ballroom without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      The conflict between mistaken identities, the chase sequence, and the emotional turmoil of the characters creates tension and keeps the audience engaged. The pursuit by the officials and the revelation for Sugar add to the conflict.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that add tension and conflict to the narrative.

      High Stakes: 7

      The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing the risk of exposure, loss of love, and potential danger. The chase sequence and the emotional revelations raise the stakes and keep the audience invested.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving some plot points, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts. The revelation for Sugar and the escape from the officials propel the narrative towards the climax.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience on their toes.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around identity and deception. Joe's actions challenge societal norms and expectations, leading to confusion and chaos.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of love, confusion, surprise, and excitement. The heartfelt kiss, the revelation for Sugar, and the comedic chase sequence all evoke strong emotions from the audience.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is witty, humorous, and emotionally resonant, capturing the essence of each character. The banter between Joe, Sugar, and Osgood adds to the comedic and romantic tone of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, emotion, and action, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, with action sequences and dialogue exchanges that keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that are easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear action and dialogue sequences that build tension and advance the plot effectively.


      Critique
      • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
      • The dialogue is not very natural and could be improved by making it more conversational.
      • The characters are not very well developed and could be fleshed out more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
      • The plot is not very clear and could be improved by making it more focused and streamlined.
      • The ending is too abrupt and could be improved by adding a more satisfying resolution.
      Suggestions
      • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action to make the scene shorter and more streamlined.
      • Make the dialogue more natural by making it more conversational and less formal.
      • Flesh out the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
      • Make the plot more clear and focused by streamlining the action and removing any unnecessary subplots.
      • Add a more satisfying resolution to the ending by giving the characters a clear goal and allowing them to achieve it.



      Scene 42 -  Confessions and Revelations on a Moonlit Night
      EXT. MOTORBOAT - NIGHT

      In the back seat, Joe is removing his wig and coat.

      JOE
      You don't want me, Sugar -- I'm a
      liar and a phony -- a saxophone player --
      one of those no-goodnicks you've
      been running away from --

      SUGAR
      I know.
      (hitting her head)
      Every time!

      JOE
      Do yourself a favor -- go back where
      the millionaires are -- the sweet
      end of the lollipop -- not the cole
      slaw in the face and the old socks
      and the squeezed-out tube of
      toothpaste --

      SUGAR
      That's right -- pour it on.
      (twines her arms around
      his neck)
      Talk me out of it.

      She kisses him resoundingly, bending him over backwards till
      they are both practically out of sight.

      Up front, Osgood is blithely steering the boat, keeping his
      eyes straight ahead. Jerry is looking over his shoulder at
      the activities in the back seat.
      OSGOOD
      I called Mama -- she was so happy
      she cried -- she wants you to have
      her wedding gown -- it's white lace.

      JERRY
      (steeling himself)
      Osgood -- I can't get married in
      your mother's dress. She and I --
      we' not built the same way.

      OSGOOD
      We can have it altered.

      JERRY
      (firmly)
      Oh, no you don't! Look, Osgood --
      I'm going to level with you. We can't
      get married at all.

      OSGOOD
      Why not?

      JERRY
      Well, to begin with, I'm not a natural
      blonde.

      OSGOOD
      (tolerantly)
      It doesn't matter.

      JERRY
      And I smoke. I smoke all the time.

      OSGOOD
      I don't care.

      JERRY
      And I have a terrible past. For three
      years now, I've been living with a
      saxophone player.

      OSGOOD
      I forgive you.

      JERRY
      (with growing
      desperation)
      And I can never have children.

      OSGOOD
      We'll adopt some.
      JERRY
      But you don't understand!
      (he rips off his wig;
      in a male voice)
      I'm a MAN!

      OSGOOD
      (oblivious)
      Well -- nobody's perfect.

      Jerry looks at Osgood, who is grinning from ear to ear, claps
      his hand to his forehead. How is he going to get himself out
      of this?

      But that's another story -- and we're not quite sure the
      public is ready for it.

      FADE OUT:

      THE END
      Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Musical","Crime"]

      Summary On a motorboat at night, Joe confesses to Sugar that he is a saxophone player and a liar, while Jerry reveals to Osgood that he is a man. Joe and Sugar share a passionate kiss, despite Joe's attempts to push her away. Meanwhile, Jerry's revelation leads to a humorous exchange with Osgood, who takes it in stride with the famous line, 'Well -- nobody's perfect.'
      Strengths
      • Witty dialogue
      • Engaging character dynamics
      • Seamless genre blending
      Weaknesses
      • Some may find the resolution too chaotic or unrealistic

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging, blending romance, humor, and crime elements seamlessly. The dialogue is witty and the character dynamics are entertaining, leading to a satisfying resolution.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of mistaken identities, unexpected proposals, and chaotic situations is executed with humor and charm. The scene effectively combines various genres to create a unique and entertaining narrative.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed, with multiple storylines converging in a chaotic yet satisfying climax. The pacing is engaging, and the resolution ties up the various character arcs effectively.

      Originality: 9

      The scene introduces a fresh and original take on themes of identity and acceptance, using humor and wit to explore complex emotions and relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward. Joe's internal conflict, Sugar's vulnerability, and Osgood's obliviousness create a dynamic and entertaining dynamic.

      Character Changes: 7

      Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Joe and Jerry as they confront their true identities and feelings. The emotional revelations lead to personal growth and self-acceptance.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Joe's internal goal is to convince Sugar that he is not the right person for her, despite her affections towards him. He wants to protect her from his perceived flaws and shortcomings.

      External Goal: 7

      Jerry's external goal is to break off his engagement with Osgood, revealing his true identity and gender to him.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as characters grapple with their true identities and feelings. The comedic misunderstandings and chaotic situations add a layer of external conflict, driving the narrative forward.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jerry facing the challenge of revealing his true identity to Osgood and navigating his reaction. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the outcome.

      High Stakes: 7

      The stakes are high as characters confront their true identities, face potential danger from Spats and his gang, and make life-changing decisions. The chaotic climax raises the stakes even further, leading to a suspenseful resolution.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts, revealing character motivations, and setting up the final act. The chaotic climax propels the narrative towards a satisfying conclusion.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of Jerry's true identity to Osgood, leading to a surprising and humorous resolution.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      The philosophical conflict revolves around identity and acceptance. Jerry struggles with revealing his true self to Osgood, fearing rejection, while Osgood demonstrates unconditional acceptance and love.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to romance to acceptance. The characters' vulnerabilities and revelations create a heartfelt and engaging emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. The banter between Joe, Sugar, and Osgood adds depth to the scene and enhances the comedic elements.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and emotional depth. The characters' conflicts and interactions draw the audience in, creating a compelling narrative.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, leading to a satisfying and impactful resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's comedic and dramatic moments.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 8

      The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

      Structure: 8

      The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness, building tension and emotional resonance.


      Critique
      • The scene ends abruptly with the motorboat taking off with a roar, leaving the reader with a sense of incompleteness. Consider adding a brief epilogue or a few additional lines to provide closure to the story.
      • The dialogue between Jerry and Osgood about marriage is somewhat repetitive and could be streamlined to make it more concise and engaging.
      • The male voice that Jerry uses when he reveals his true identity is not described, leaving the reader to imagine what it sounds like. Consider adding a brief description of Jerry's male voice to provide a clearer picture for the reader.
      • The scene lacks a clear resolution to the conflict between Joe and Sugar, leaving the reader uncertain about their relationship status. Consider adding a few lines to clarify their feelings for each other and provide a sense of closure to their storyline.
      • The use of the phrase 'we're not quite sure the public is ready for it' at the end of the scene is somewhat ambiguous. Consider rephrasing this line to provide a clearer indication of what the writer is trying to convey.
      Suggestions
      • Add a brief epilogue or a few additional lines to provide closure to the story, such as a shot of the motorboat disappearing into the distance or a line of narration summarizing the characters' future.
      • Streamline the dialogue between Jerry and Osgood about marriage by combining similar lines and removing unnecessary repetitions. For example, instead of having Osgood say 'It doesn't matter' and 'I don't care' in response to Jerry's concerns, you could combine them into a single response like 'Those things don't matter to me.'
      • Describe Jerry's male voice when he reveals his true identity to provide a clearer picture for the reader. For example, you could write something like 'Jerry's voice dropped several octaves, becoming deep and resonant.'
      • Clarify the resolution of the conflict between Joe and Sugar by adding a few lines where they express their feelings for each other. For example, you could have Sugar say something like 'I don't care what you are, Joe. I love you.'
      • Rephrase the line 'we're not quite sure the public is ready for it' at the end of the scene to provide a clearer indication of what the writer is trying to convey. For example, you could write something like 'And so, the unlikely quartet set off into the night, leaving behind a world that was not yet ready to accept their unconventional love story.'