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Scene 1 -  The Combover Crisis: Irving's Encounter with Richie
2 INT. PLAZA HOTEL WINDOW NYC - DAY 2

IRVING ROSENFELD, not a small man, gets dressed and
meticulously constructs his combover. Camera WRAPS AROUND,
see his hands with rings adjust his dark velvet suit, up to
his face, serious, concentrated, intense, he is composing
himself before a performance.

Irving is now dressed, ready, and walks down the hall to
another room.

3 SECOND PLAZA HOTEL ROOM -- Irving composes himself -- looks 3
into cramped surveillance closet, there are FBI Agents -- we
only see their hands and arms -- he looks at monitors -- sees
a BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF ANOTHER ROOM ON MONITOR: MAYOR
CARMINE POLITO, swath of salt and pepper hair, cream suit,
pinky ring, Rotary Club pin -- ALONG WITH CARL ELWAY, preppie
shady businessman.

He exhales pressure, turns as CAMERA PANS TO: SYDNEY PROSSER
(who will also be known for some time as EDITH GREENSLY),
stylish crafty smart. They stare at each other intensely --
they have a deep and emotional relationship. A DOOR BANGS
OPEN, and in walks RICHIE DIMASO, Bronx-born. He stands
there.

RICHIE DIMASO
What are you doing, going behind my
back? Telling people I'm screwing
up this operation? I got you a
suite at the fuckin' Plaza Hotel!

IRVING ROSENFELD
The shittiest suite at the Plaza
Hotel.

RICHIE DIMASO

What?!

IRV ROSENFELD
The shittiest fuckin' suite.

RICHIE DIMASO
Based on what--?
2.


IRVING ROSENFELD
And the food is wrong, and--What is
this? You, like, went in my closet
or something?

EDITH GREENSLY

No

IRVING ROSENFELD
Are you dressing him like you’re
dressing me now?

EDITH GREENSLY
(shakes her head)
No, what are you thinking? This
isn't all about you, you know that.

RICHIE DIMASO
What, did you try to dress me so I
would look like him?

EDITH GREENSLY
No, you're not dressed like him,
all right?

RICHIE DIMASO
But I do, I look like him.

EDITH GREENSLY
No, he's in like, velvet. Come on.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You asked me to show you how this
was done, you wanna fuck it up be
my guest.

EDITH GREENSLY
What is your problem?


RICHIE DIMASO
Hey, look, I never laid a hand on
her, all right? Is that what this
is about?

EDITH GREENSLY
(British accent)
Well technically, that’s not true.

RICHIE DIMASO
Look, we never had sex ok? I just --
3.


RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
What'd I do? I put my hand like
this --

Richie reaches out and puts his hand on Irving’s face very
carefully, not forcefully.

Irving swipes it away violently the second it touches his
face.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t you fucking touch me. That
bothers me --

RICHIE DIMASO
Oh it does?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh yeah.

RICHIE DIMASO
That bothers you?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes.

RICHIE DIMASO
You know, a lot of shit bothers me
too, but I was trying to help you.
If I wanted to bother you, if I
really wanted to fucking bother
you, this is what I’d do.


Richie takes his hand and destroys the combover Irving spent
so much time creating. Irving just stands there, hair ruined,
staring at Richie.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You shouldn’t have done that.

Irving just stands there staring at Richie, hair all wild and
messed up looking very angry.

RICHIE DIMASO
How’s that? You bothered now? (no
answer) Alright, don’t make a thing
of it.

EDITH GREENSLY
You shouldn’t touch him. He doesn’t
like that.
4.


RICHIE DIMASO
Oh my god, fix his hair. Don’t make
a thing of it.

EDITH GREENSLY
It takes some time, ok.

Edith walks over to Irving who is still standing there in
silence with his hair all over the place. She carefully
starts helping him put it back together.

RICHIE DIMASO
Big fucking deal. We got to get in
the other room, come on. The
mayor’s in there.

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes I know that.

RICHIE DIMASO
Should we go to the beauty parlor?
Is that what we should do?

Richie walks over and opens up a briefcase that’s sitting on
the dresser. Inside are stacks of cash.

Edith is still helping Irving put his hair back together.

IRVING ROSENFELD
How’s it look.

EDITH GREENSLY
You look fine.

Richie slams the briefcase shut looking very nervous and
intense.

RICHIE DIMASO
Let’s go.

CUT TO:


4 STEELY DAN’S “DIRTY WORK” STARTS ON THE SOUNDTRACK AS THEY 4
WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY THREE ACROSS: IRVING, EDITH, RICHIE.
RICHIE WITH BRIEFCASE IN HAND.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a tense scene at the Plaza Hotel, Irving Rosenfeld, fixated on his appearance, clashes with FBI agent Richie Dimaso over respect and treatment. Amidst the conflict, Sydney Prosser, known as Edith Greensly, mediates, attempting to defuse the situation. The scene is filled with intense dialogue, visual elements, and a tone that fluctuates between confrontational and humorous. It concludes with Edith fixing Irving's hair and the trio walking down the hallway to meet the mayor.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes tension, conflict, and character dynamics while incorporating humor and unexpected moments. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding drama.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes confrontation in a luxurious hotel setting is engaging and sets the stage for character development and conflict. The scene effectively introduces the main characters and their relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters navigate a tense situation, revealing their motivations and dynamics. The conflict between the characters adds depth to the storyline and sets up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh character dynamics and conflicts, showcasing authentic reactions and dialogue that add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Each character has distinct traits and motivations, driving the conflict and adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters reveal more about their personalities and motivations, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to maintain control and composure in the face of pressure and conflict. This reflects his need for power and respect in his criminal dealings.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to successfully navigate the operation with the FBI agents and Mayor Carmine Polito without any major setbacks. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his criminal activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters is palpable and drives the scene forward. Tensions rise as the characters confront each other, leading to unexpected twists and turns.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power struggles between the characters, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including power struggles, deception, and personal vendettas, heighten the tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome. The characters' actions have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, establishing conflicts, and setting up future plot developments. The high-stakes situation adds urgency to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power dynamics and manipulation. Irving, Edith, and Richie all have different approaches to achieving their goals, leading to tension and conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to humor, keeping the audience engaged. The characters' emotional responses add depth to the scene and create a connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. The banter and confrontations between the characters create tension and keep the scene engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, character dynamics, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that drives the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the character interactions and setting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit too expository and on-the-nose. It would be more effective if the characters' motivations and emotions were revealed more subtly, through their actions and interactions.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear sense of purpose. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve, or what the stakes are. This makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
  • The characters are not particularly well-developed. They are all fairly one-dimensional, and their motivations are not clear. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow. There are a lot of long speeches and pauses, which can make it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to the dialogue. Let the characters' motivations and emotions be revealed through their actions and interactions, rather than through exposition.
  • Give the scene a clearer sense of purpose. What are the characters trying to achieve? What are the stakes? Make sure that the audience understands this from the beginning of the scene.
  • Develop the characters more fully. Give them clear motivations and goals. Make sure that the audience can understand and relate to them.
  • Tighten up the pacing of the scene. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or pauses. Make sure that the scene moves forward at a brisk pace.



Scene 2 -  Richie's Impulsive Move Causes Tension at the Plaza Hotel
5 INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE FOYER - DAY 5

SLOW MOTION -- DOUBLE DOORS PUSH OPEN AND Edith ENTERS THE
SUITE -- THEY WALK INTO --
5.


6 INT. PLAZA HOTEL LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 6

DRAMATIC PUSH IN ON: THE DESTINY OF THE STORY MAYOR CARMINE
POLITO PINKY RING, ROTARY CLUB PIN STANDS FINISHING STORY TO
BUSINESSMAN CARL ELWAY AS IRVING, EDITH, RICHIE WAIT FOR HIM
TO FINISH -- THEY ALL SHAKE HANDS AND SIT ON THE COUCH ACROSS
FROM EACH OTHER. RICHIE CAREFULLY SETS THE BRIEFCASE DOWN ON
THE GROUND NEXT TO HIS FEET. CUT TO THE SCENE AS VIEWED
THROUGH A SURVEILLANCE MONITOR. THE DATE AND TIME STAMP
VISIBLE.

CARMINE POLITO
I thought he was going to be here.
I do business face to face, person
to person. That’s just who I am.


Richie reaches down and awkwardly slides the briefcase over
to Carmine unprompted. LEAVE MONITOR’S POV AND RETURN BACK TO
THE SCENE.

IRV’S EYES WIDEN AS IN ‘NO! DON’T DO THAT!’ WHILE HE AND
RICHIE STARE AT EACH OTHER, EDITH TENSE, CARMINE LOOKS
DISTURBED AT THE CASE COMING HIS WAY. HE STANDS ABRUPTLY.

CARL ELWAY
Whoa, excuse me, excuse me. I'll
handle that for the Mayor.

RICHIE DIMASO
No, it’s for the Mayor. It would be
a sign of disrespect to the sheik
if the mayor didn’t take it
himself. It’s for you Mayor.

Carmine looks angry and confused. He looks over to Carl.

CARMINE POLITO
What are you doing? What-- (to
Carl) Carl, what the fuck? What is
this?

CARL ELWAY
No, I'll handle it. I'm gonna take
care of-- Everything's good. I
got everything under control. (TO
RICHIE) That's for me. I handle all
that for mayor.

CARMINE POLITO
What is this?

Irving looks over and says nothing. Not surprised at all how
badly this is all going.
6.


Edith whispers to Richie.

EDITH GREENSLY
(whispers to Richie)
Just stop it, ok

RICHIE DIMASO
(whispers to Edith)
He's gotta take it himself, okay?

CARMINE POLITO
I don’t know what the fuck that is
but it’s weird you understand?

CARL ELWAY
Misunderstanding. Misunderstanding.

CARMINE POLITO
I came here to meet a sheik, that’s
all I know. I’m very interested in
that but he’s not here apparently.
Carl?!

Carmine turns and starts to walk out of the room.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
I’m very interested in meeting the
Sheik. You let me know when THAT
could happen! Thank you, have a
good day.

Carmine leaves the room.

Irving looks over and shrugs his shoulders. Not surprised at
all the way this is going and horrified that Richie has
ruined it.

CARL ELWAY
(leaving)
Irving! You better come get him.


RICHIE DIMASO
(stares at Irv)
Go out there and get him right now.

CARL ELWAY
Help me get him back!

RICHIE DIMASO
Go get him. He needs to take the
fuckin' briefcase, Irving.
7.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I didn’t wanna do it in the first
place. This is your show, YOU go
get him.

RICHIE DIMASO
No, you have no choice. You have
to go get him. Now, go get him, so
he takes the briefcase by himself!
That's the whole plan, Irving!

Irving stands up angry and gets in Richie’s face.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What were you doing pushing the
fucking briefcase, dummy? Huh?

RICHIE DIMASO
The whole fuckin' thing was falling
apart. You know how much I paid
for this goddamn hotel that you
fucking asked for?!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Now I gotta go mop up your mess.
I'm gonna go fucking mop up your
mess!

Irving storms out of the hotel suite towards the Elevators to
get Carmine.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Edith enters the Plaza Hotel suite where Mayor Carmine Polito, businessman Carl Elway, Irving, and Richie are present. Richie, against Irving's unspoken wishes, pushes the briefcase towards Carmine, causing confusion and tension. Carmine, frustrated, leaves the room, and Irving storms out to get him back, highlighting the tension between Irving and Richie. The scene is tense and uncomfortable, with significant visual elements including Richie pushing the briefcase towards Carmine and Irving storming out of the room.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Minor pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' emotional turmoil and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of miscommunication and escalating tension in a high-stakes situation is well-executed, driving the conflict forward and revealing character dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and misunderstandings, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to power dynamics and control in a high-stakes business setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their dialogue and actions, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Irving experiences a shift in his attitude towards Richie, showcasing his frustration and willingness to confront the situation, adding depth to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his authority and control in the situation, showcasing his power and influence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully hand over the briefcase to the Mayor without any issues, maintaining a facade of professionalism and respect.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high due to the characters' conflicting motivations, misunderstandings, and escalating tensions, creating a tense and dramatic atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters' reputations and plans are on the line, leading to intense confrontations and emotional outbursts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up future conflicts and developments, revealing character dynamics and motivations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the shifting power dynamics, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for control and the need to maintain appearances and follow protocol. This challenges his values of power and influence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters' frustrations and conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and reflects the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the conflict and revealing their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense interactions, power struggles, and high stakes, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The pacing of the scene feels off. It starts with a lot of exposition and setup, but then rushes through the actual conflict and resolution. This makes it difficult for the audience to follow what's happening and to connect with the characters.
  • The dialogue is often stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no one would actually talk, which makes it difficult to believe in the scene.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn enough about their motivations or their relationships with each other. This makes it difficult to care about what happens to them.
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by at least a third without losing any of the important information. This would help to improve the pacing and make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It tries to do too many things at once, and as a result, it doesn't do any of them well. The writer should focus on one main conflict or event and develop it in more detail.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more engaging hook. This could involve starting with the conflict or introducing a more interesting character.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and backstories. This will make them more relatable and interesting to the audience.
  • Cut down on the exposition and setup. Only include information that is essential to the plot or character development.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. This will help the audience to connect with the characters and the story.
  • Focus on one main conflict or event and develop it in more detail. This will give the scene a clearer focus and make it more engaging.



Scene 3 -  Irving's Past Reflections: A Tale of Survival
INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE FOYER - DAY

Irving paces back and forth as he waits for the elevator.


INT. PLAZA HOTEL LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

We push in on the concerned face of Sydney as Richie rambles
on to her.

RICHIE DIMASO
You understand what I'm saying,
right? It wasn't working.


INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Irving continues to pace back and forth in the hall waiting
for the elevator.
8.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Did you ever have to find a way to
survive and you knew your choices
were bad?

Irving walks over and hits the elevator button again.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I learned how to survive when I was
a kid.

7 CUT TO: 7

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My father had a glass business.


28 IRV AS KID SMASHES PLATE GLASS WINDOWS OF BRONX STOREFRONTS 28

Drumming up business for his father.

EXT. ROSENFELD & SON GLASS REPAIR CO. - DAY 1940’S

Young Irving and his Father and Mother standing outside the
family's glass repair shop in the Bronx as some tough
contractors march up to them.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I would rather be on the taking
side than the getting taken side
any day of the week, especially
after I saw how my father got
taken. I mean, seeing that scarred
me for life.


EXT. UNDISCLOSED STREET - DAY 1940’S

Young Irving runs by a store front as he throws a rock
through each window on the store, smashing them all.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I took it upon myself to drum up
business. I became a different kind
of guy than my father. I became a
con artist -- from the feet up, for
real.

CUT TO:


THE BRONX: STOREFRONT WITH SMASHED WINDOW. - DAY - PRESENT

Irv shakes his head, surveys the damage.
9.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I was gonna survive no matter what.
I still had the glass business and
a few dry cleaning stores on the
side.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary In the Plaza Hotel foyer, Irving Rosenfeld reminisces about his childhood in the Bronx and how it shaped him into a con artist. Through a voice-over narration, he recounts his experiences helping his father's glass repair business by smashing storefront windows, which taught him the art of deception. As he reflects on his past, he prepares to confront Carmine, highlighting the underlying tension between his past and present circumstances. The scene is filled with contemplative and nostalgic visuals, accompanied by Irving's dialogue explaining his transformation into a con artist.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be improved
  • Some dialogue may be too expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively explores Irving's backstory, adds depth to his character, and sets up the conflict between the characters. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important aspects of Irving's personality.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of survival and the impact of past experiences on character development are well-executed in this scene. It sets the stage for future conflicts and character growth.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as tensions rise between the characters, leading to a pivotal moment where Irving's past is revealed. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique perspective on survival and self-preservation, with a focus on the character's past experiences shaping their present actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Irving's complex personality shining through in his actions and dialogue. The introduction of his backstory adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 7

Irving's backstory reveals a significant change in his character, showcasing his evolution from a young con artist to a more experienced one. This sets the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal in this scene is to reflect on his past and how it has shaped his survival instincts and choices. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and security.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to navigate the current situation he is in, possibly involving a business deal or personal conflict. This reflects the immediate challenges he is facing in the present moment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters is palpable, especially between Irving and Richie. The tension adds depth to the scene and sets up future confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Irving facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and values. The audience is left wondering how Irving will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as tensions escalate between the characters, especially with the reveal of Irving's past. The scene sets up high stakes for future conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important aspects of Irving's past and setting up future conflicts. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for character growth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about Irving's past and the choices he made. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how Irving's story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of survival and the choices one makes in order to survive. Irving's past experiences and his current actions highlight the conflict between morality and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of resilience and determination in Irving, adding emotional depth to his character. The tension between the characters also creates an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about Irving's past and motivations. It also sets the tone for the conflicts to come.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense dialogue, introspective narration, and the tension between past and present. The characters' actions and motivations keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance between introspective moments and intense dialogue. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the character's internal struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and transitions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, transitioning between past and present seamlessly. This structure adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene is a flashback that is triggered by Irving waiting for the elevator in the present day. This can be confusing for the audience, as it is not immediately clear why we are suddenly flashing back to Irving's childhood.
  • The flashback is also very brief and does not provide much context for Irving's character or his motivations. We learn that he was a con artist from a young age, but we don't know why or how he got into that line of work.
  • The dialogue in the present day is stilted and unnatural. Irving's voiceover is also very expository and does not add much to the scene.
  • The scene does not advance the plot of the film in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is not particularly visually interesting.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene in the present day with Irving reflecting on his past. This would help to provide context for the flashback and make it less confusing for the audience.
  • Expand the flashback to include more details about Irving's childhood and his motivations for becoming a con artist.
  • Rewrite the dialogue in the present day to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Consider cutting the voiceover or rewriting it to make it less expository.
  • Add some more visually interesting elements to the scene, such as shots of Irving's childhood home or the glass repair shop.



Scene 4 -  Stolen Art and Jazz: A Winter Pool Party Encounter
7G INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - DAY 7G

Irving paces around his office smoking a cigar and talking on
the phone. What looks to be stolen art sits on the floor all
around him.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
And I did some art dealing on the
side. Stolen or forged art.


EXT./INT. POOL PARTY - LONG ISLAND HOUSE - DAY

Chicago’s “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” fades
up. Jamming early 70s HOLIDAY party -- LONG ISLAND LADIES IN
BIKINIS WITH HUGE HAIR IN FUR COATS SMOKING OUTSIDE THE GLASS
ENCLOSED POOL -while inside steamed glass SHINY BIKINI
CANDIDATES FOR NOSE JOBS; A FEW OTHERS WHO ARE LARGE, SEVERAL
GUYS WHO LOOK MOBBED UP, pale, out of shape, gold chains, in
swim trunks, EVEN MORE BURT REYNOLDS TYPE GUYS, slim, hairy,
chains.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
So, one January I go to my friends
pool party in Long Island.

Irving sits holding court with some friends by the pool when
he turns and sees Sydney for the first time.

PUSH IN ON: Irving. He looks up, they lock eyes across the
party.

SYD REACHES FOR A SLICE OF FRUIT ON HIGH SET PLATE WHEN
IRVING’S HAND GRABS HER ARM -- she turns, taken aback -

IRVING ROSENFELD
Is that Duke Ellington on your
bracelet?

She does have on a Duke Ellington charm bracelet.

SYDNEY PROSSER
As a matter of fact, it is. He died
this year, you know.
10.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I know. I doubt anyone else here
knows or cares about it.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Well I care. He saved my life many
times.

Irving takes a good look at her, impressed.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(impressed)
Mine too. Which one?


SYDNEY PROSSER
Jeep’s Blues.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(smiles, warm)
Jeep’s Blues. Oh yeah.

Awkward pause.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You wanna hear it?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Right now?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Sure.

CUT TO: PORTABLE RECORD PLAYER PLAYS START OF JEEP’S BLUES as
Irving and Sydney nod to it - he watches her foot in her high
wedge and her tanned leg rocking as she sits on arm of sofa.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Who starts a song like that?!

SYDNEY PROSSER
It’s magic.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Magic.

They listen to the record, Edith checks Irving out.
11.


SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He wasn't necessarily in good
shape, and he had this comb-over
that was rather -- elaborate. He
had this air about him. And he had
this confidence that drew me to
him. He was who he was and he
didn’t care.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Like me, she was a very particular
person. Like me, she came from a
place where her options were
limited -- and she had been someone
she didn't want to be in her past.

CUT TO -- SYDNEY DANCES IN A SMALL TOWN, OLD FASHIONED STRIP
BAR.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
It actually can feel kind of sexy
sometimes. There's a boldness in
it. But where would that boldness
take me? I didn't know. But I was
gonna find out.


8 CUT TO: 8

SYDNEY WALKS DOWN A BLEAK INDUSTRIAL STREET.

CUT TO -- RECORD STORE WHERE EDITH FLIPS THROUGH ALBUMS OF
THE OLD GREATS -- ELLA FITZGERALD, DUKE ELLINGTON, AND MORE
OF THE OLD GREATS -- A WORLD OF ELEGANCE, SOPHISTICATION, AND
CULTURE A MILLION MILES AWAY FROM WHERE SHE LIVES.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Like me, she learned to survive and
reinvent herself. She knew she had
to reinvent her life and her
identity. And like me, she
envisioned a better elegant future
for herself. Like me, she knew you
had to have a vision.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Romance"]

Summary At a Long Island pool party in January, mobster Irving Rosenfeld meets Sydney Prosser and they bond over their shared love for jazz, specifically 'Jeep's Blues' by Duke Ellington. Through Sydney's voiceover, we learn about her mysterious past and her desire for reinvention. The scene sets a nostalgic and hopeful tone, with a hint of intrigue and tension as they come from different worlds. The visual elements contrast Sydney's glamorous charm bracelet with Irving's rough exterior and the lavish pool party with his dingy office filled with stolen art. The scene ends with them listening to 'Jeep's Blues' together, hinting at a deeper connection.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Nostalgic atmosphere
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Low external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces key characters, establishes a nostalgic tone, and hints at the potential for a romantic relationship. The use of music and dialogue adds depth to the characters and sets up future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two individuals from different backgrounds meeting and forming a connection is well-executed. The scene sets up the theme of reinvention and survival, which will likely be explored further in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Irving and Sydney meet for the first time, hinting at a potential romantic subplot. The scene also provides insight into Irving's past as a con artist, adding layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the romantic connection between the characters, blending elements of high society with criminal activity in a unique way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Sydney are well-developed through their interactions and dialogue. Their chemistry and contrasting backgrounds make them intriguing and relatable.

Character Changes: 6

Both Irving and Sydney experience a subtle shift in their perspectives as they meet and connect. Their initial encounter hints at potential growth and transformation for the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Sydney on a deeper level and potentially form a meaningful relationship. This reflects his desire for genuine connection and understanding, as well as his fear of being alone or misunderstood.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to impress Sydney and potentially start a romantic relationship with her. This reflects the immediate challenge of making a good impression and forming a connection in a social setting.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a subtle tension between Irving and Sydney due to their contrasting backgrounds, the scene primarily focuses on their initial meeting and connection. The conflict is more internal and emotional than external.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming, leaving room for character development and growth.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and relationship building. The main tension comes from the internal conflicts of Irving and Sydney.

Story Forward: 6

The scene introduces key characters and hints at future developments in the story, particularly in relation to Irving and Sydney's relationship. It sets the stage for further exploration of their backgrounds and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected connections and revelations between the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between appearances and reality, as well as the idea of reinvention and self-identity. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authenticity and the importance of genuine connections.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and hope as Irving and Sydney connect over music and shared experiences. Their initial interaction is heartfelt and sets the stage for emotional development in the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Irving and Sydney is engaging and reveals aspects of their personalities. The use of music adds to the atmosphere and enhances the interaction between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the intriguing setting, and the underlying tension and chemistry between the protagonist and Sydney.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and intrigue, allowing for moments of reflection and connection between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Irving pacing around his office and talking on the phone while stolen art sits around him. This description effectively establishes Irving's business and his involvement in illegal activities. However, the transition to the pool party in Long Island is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother connection to the previous scene.
  • Irving's initial encounter with Sydney is somewhat forced and lacks a natural flow. The dialogue feels a bit stiff and could be improved to sound more authentic and engaging.
  • The transition to Sydney's voiceover is a bit jarring and could be handled more seamlessly. The voiceover provides insights into Sydney's past experiences, but it could be integrated more effectively into the scene to avoid interrupting the flow of the dialogue.
  • The flashback to Sydney dancing in a strip bar feels disjointed from the rest of the scene. While it provides glimpses into Sydney's past, it could be woven into the narrative more fluidly.
  • The description of Sydney flipping through albums in a record store feels somewhat out of place and doesn't seem to have a clear connection to the rest of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transitional line or brief description to connect the office scene to the pool party in Long Island, establishing a smoother flow between the two settings.
  • Revise the dialogue between Irving and Sydney to make it more natural and engaging. Avoid using forced or unnatural language, and strive for a more conversational tone.
  • Integrate Sydney's voiceover more seamlessly into the scene. Consider using it as a way to complement the dialogue or provide additional context rather than interrupting it.
  • Explore alternative ways to incorporate the flashback to Sydney dancing in a strip bar without disrupting the flow of the scene. Consider using a different technique, such as a series of brief flashbacks or a more subtle reference to her past experiences.
  • Rework the description of Sydney flipping through albums in a record store to make it more relevant to the scene. Consider connecting it more directly to Sydney's character and her aspirations.



Scene 5 -  Sydney's New Beginning: A Chance Encounter with Irving
EXT. NY STREET -- DAY

Sydney looks at scrap of paper with info in her hand -- looks
up at office building address -- enters.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She came to New York. She
envisioned it.
(MORE)
12.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And just like that, she applied for
a job at Cosmopolitan Magazine.


12 INT. COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE OFFICES - DAY 12

Clean bright colors, huge blown up Cosmo covers --

Sydney -- innocent, plain, slacks and blouse, hair back,
nervously awaits interview.

SHE IS CALLED IN -- NERVOUSLY STANDS, small crumpled scrap of
paper in hand, FIXES HER HAIR --


13 INT. COSMO INTERVIEW OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 13

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Well you’re obviously here for a
reason. Let’s get to it.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Alright.

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Our cover story right now is on
cunnilingus. What do you think
about that?

SYDNEY PROSSER
I like it.

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Do you have any clerical skills?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yes.

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Can you type?

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She was unlike anybody I ever knew.
She was smart. She saw through
people in situations. And she knew
how to live with passion and style.
She understood Duke Ellington.


14 COSMO MAGAZINE OFFICES: SYDNEY PUSHES MAIL CART DELIVERS MAIL 14
TO SOPHISTICATED MAGAZINE EDITORS AND EXECUTIVES, SOME TOUGH
BIRDS, MOST ELEGANT.
13.


15 CUT TO: Edith WATCHES A COSMO COVER SHOOT -- 15

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
I was broke, fearless, with nothing
to lose --


EXT./INT. POOL PARTY - LONG ISLAND HOUSE - DAY

Irv and Sydney dance slowly.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
-- and my dream, more than
anything, was to become anyone else
other than who I was.


24 EXT. LONG ISLAND DRY CLEANERS-- DAY 24

Irv holds the door open for Edith as she enters.

IRVING ROSENFELD
-- I got two in the Bronx and three
in Manhattan. (to an employee) Hey,
Byron.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He had a chain of dry cleaning
stores. He asked me to come in and
upgrade my wardrobe-- he said a lot
of nice things got left behind by
people and forgotten over the years-
-

IRVING ROSENFELD
I mean you wouldn’t believe the
shit that people leave behind here.
Unbelievable.

SYDNEY PROSSER
People leave stuff here?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh yeah. They go out for the night,
they drink, come here in the
morning, put their clothes in and
then they forget. They got no idea
where they left it.

Irving touches a hanging blue sequined dress.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Look at that. Sequined thing. I
don’t know. Is that nice or not?
14.


SYDNEY PROSSER
It’s beautiful.

Irving and Sydney continue to walk through towards the back
and enter a fur vault filled with elegant designer clothes.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I mean, some of it’s been here for
years. They’re not picking it up.
Nobody’s picking it up.

Sydney starts riffling through nice things hanging on the
racks.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You like that?

SYDNEY PROSSER
I love it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It’s yours. You want it? It’s
yours.

Sydney looks back at Irving in shock.

CUT TO: SHE STEPS OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM IN THE VON
FURSTENBERG DRESS - LOOKS FANTASTIC.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You look fantastic!

SYDNEY PROSSER
Oh my god. I can only dream about
these dresses. They’re beautiful.

SYDNEY PULLS CLASSIC CLOTHES FROM THE ABANDONED RACK: ONE,
TWO, THREE. SHE PUTS A JACKET ON HIM THAT HE IS RELUCTANT TO
WEAR, PAISLEY SMOKING COAT.

LATER: THEY GO INSIDE THE ELECTRIC ROTATING CAROUSEL RACK OF
CLEAR PLASTIC COVERED, DRY CLEANED CLOTHES -- STAND INSIDE,
ENCHANTED, SMILING AT EACH OTHER, AS THE RACK SWIRLS
MAGICALLY AROUND THEM. THEY STARE AT EACH IN LOVE.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I felt like we had a secret. Just
the two of us. You know like that
thing where you want to just be
with the one person the whole time.
15.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
You feel like the two of you
understand something that nobody
else gets. I could just tell her
everything about myself. And I
never had anybody like that in my
life before. I felt like finally, I
can truly be myself without being
ashamed, without being embarrassed.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Sydney Prosser arrives in New York and successfully interviews for a job at Cosmopolitan Magazine. She showcases her confidence and clerical skills, impressing the interviewer. Meanwhile, she meets Irving Rosenfeld, who owns a chain of dry cleaning stores. He is taken by her fashion sense and lets her take home high-end clothes left behind by customers. The scene is optimistic and hopeful, with Sydney excited about her new life and Irving charmed by her confidence and style. The scene ends with them sharing a moment of connection in the rotating rack of dry cleaned clothes.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Establishing relationships
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the characters of Sydney and Irving, sets up their relationship, and provides insight into their motivations and desires. The dialogue is engaging and the pacing is well-balanced.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of dreams, aspirations, and transformation is well-developed in this scene. It explores the idea of reinvention and the pursuit of a better life.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on Sydney's journey from a humble beginning to a new opportunity at Cosmopolitan Magazine, as well as her budding relationship with Irving. It sets up important character dynamics and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of reinvention and aspiration, with unique character dynamics and settings that add depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Sydney and Irving are well-developed in this scene. Sydney is portrayed as determined and ambitious, while Irving is shown to be generous and caring. Their interactions reveal depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 6

Sydney undergoes a subtle change as she moves from a humble beginning to a new opportunity at Cosmopolitan Magazine. Irving also shows a different side of himself through his generosity.

Internal Goal: 8

Sydney's internal goal in this scene is to escape her current identity and circumstances and transform into someone more glamorous and successful. This reflects her deeper desire for a better life and a sense of self-worth.

External Goal: 7

Sydney's external goal in this scene is to impress Irving and potentially gain access to a more luxurious lifestyle through his connections and generosity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is some tension in Sydney's pursuit of a new opportunity and Irving's generosity, the scene is more focused on character development and setting up the relationship between Sydney and Irving.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Sydney's goals and motivations, creating conflict and driving the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 4

While there are personal stakes involved for Sydney and Irving in pursuing their dreams and desires, the scene does not involve high external stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key character dynamics, motivations, and relationships. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of Sydney's choices and interactions with Irving, adding tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Sydney's desire for a new identity and the ethical implications of accepting gifts and opportunities that may not be entirely honest or earned.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of hope, nostalgia, and inspiration. It establishes an emotional connection with the characters and their desires.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in this scene is engaging and reveals important information about the characters. It also sets the tone for the budding romance between Sydney and Irving.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of character development, dialogue, and visual storytelling that keeps the audience invested in Sydney's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events that build tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's not clear what the characters' goals are or what they are trying to achieve.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't actually talk.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. There is no movement or action to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear goal for the characters. What do they want to achieve? What are their obstacles?
  • Make sure the dialogue is natural and believable. People should speak in a way that is authentic to their characters.
  • Cut out unnecessary dialogue and action. The scene should be as concise as possible while still conveying the necessary information.
  • Add some visual interest to the scene. This could be done by adding movement, action, or interesting visuals.



Scene 6 -  Discovery of Deceptive Business Practices
39 INT. Irv’s dingy office - DAY 39

Irv leads Sydney into a small, dingy Manhattan office on an
upper floor.

SYDNEY PROSSER
What is this place? Do you sell art
here?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, sometimes. This is my office.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I know it’s your office, but, you
have these other places. What’s
this for? Why did you bring me
here?

IRVING ROSENFELD
This getting to be my main
business, my growing business. I
help get loans for guys that can’t
get loans. I’m their last resort.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You’re their last resort? Because
interest rates are north of 12% and
heading to 18%.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s right, smarty pants.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Fucking Jimmy Carter. Fucking Nixon
really. And the war and the
deficit and all of that shit.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I love you, you’re so smart. You
are.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Thanks kid but how do you get them
the money?
16.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Well --

SYDNEY PROSSER
You don’t do you? You don’t.

IRVING ROSENFELD
These guys are lousy risks, you
know? I can’t get them a loan but I
get my fee. Five thousand.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Five thousand? You take five
thousand and you don’t give them
anything?

IRVING ROSENFELD
These are bad guys, you know? They
got bad divorces, gambling habits,
embezzling, all that shit, you know
what I mean?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Everybody at the bottom crosses
paths eventually in a pool of
desperation and you’re waiting for
them.

IRVING ROSENFELD
How about ‘we’?

SYDNEY PROSSER
We?

IRVING ROSENFELD
How bout it?

Sydney turns and begins walking out the door as Irving chases
her out.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Sydney. Sydney I’m sorry that was
too much. I went too far. I didn’t
want to upset you.

She continues walking out without looking back and leaves.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Sydney please, I’m sorry! I know it
ain’t for everybody.

The door slams in Irving’s face
17.


IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
(Irving shouts to the
closed door)
Ah GOD I love getting to know you!
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Irv Rosenfeld, a loan agent for high-risk clients, meets with Sydney Prossser, who is posing as a British lady looking to make a deal. The scene takes place in Irv's small, dingy office in Manhattan. Tension arises when Sydney discovers the true nature of Irv's business, which involves taking a fee without providing loans. Upset, Sydney leaves the office, and Irv is left shouting his affection for her from behind the closed door. The tone of the scene is tense and uncomfortable, with visual elements including a closed door and a frustrated Sydney walking out.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Dingy setting may be cliché
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension, emotion, and character dynamics, drawing the audience into the morally complex situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loan sharking as a last resort for desperate individuals is intriguing and adds depth to the characters' motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Sydney learns about Irving's shady business dealings, leading to a confrontation and potential rift between the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Sydney are well-developed, with conflicting moral compasses and complex emotions driving their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Sydney experiences a shift in her perception of Irving and his business, leading to potential changes in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Sydney's internal goal in this scene is to understand Irving's business and moral compass. She questions his actions and motives, reflecting her deeper need for honesty and integrity.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to explain his business to Sydney and potentially involve her in his schemes. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining her trust and cooperation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving and Sydney regarding his unethical business practices creates a high level of tension and emotional stakes in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sydney challenging Irving's actions and motives, creating conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Sydney discovering Irving's unethical practices and their ensuing confrontation raise the tension and emotional stakes in the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Irving's business dealings and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the moral twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral ambiguity of Irving's actions. Sydney questions the ethics of his business, challenging his values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Sydney's realization about Irving's business and their subsequent confrontation is palpable, drawing the audience into their conflicting emotions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil between Irving and Sydney, showcasing their differing perspectives on morality and business.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the tension between the characters, the moral ambiguity of the situation, and the sharp dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a crime genre screenplay.


Critique
  • The purpose of the scene is unclear. It is not clear what Irving is trying to achieve by bringing Sydney to his dingy office and why he is offering her a partnership.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks subtext. Irving keeps repeating the same things over and over again without giving Sydney any new information or insights.
  • The characters are one-dimensional. Irving is portrayed as a sleazy con man and Sydney as a naive victim, but there is no depth or nuance to either character.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags on for too long. There is not enough action or conflict to keep the reader engaged.
  • The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying. Sydney simply walks out of the office without giving Irving an answer. The reader is left wondering what happens next and what the point of the scene was.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose. What does Irving want to achieve by bringing Sydney to his office? What does he hope to gain from a partnership with her?
  • Add subtext to the dialogue. What are Irving and Sydney really thinking and feeling? What are their motivations and desires?
  • Develop the characters. Give Irving and Sydney more depth and nuance. Show their strengths and weaknesses, their hopes and dreams.
  • Increase the pacing. Add more action and conflict to the scene. Keep the reader engaged and guessing what will happen next.
  • Give the scene a satisfying ending. Don't just have Sydney walk out of the office. Give the reader a sense of closure and resolution.



Scene 7 -  Scammers in High Fashion: Irving and Sydney's Daring Scam Continues
INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - DAY

IRVING PACES AROUND THE OFFICE UPSET AT HIMSELF. SLOWLY SITS
DOWN IN THE DESK CHAIR IN DEFEAT, TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND
SITS BACK.

IRVING ROSENFELD (TO HIMSELF)
What I do that for? I fucked it up.
I should never tell a woman the
truth. She’s so smart. She’s
different.

OFF SCREEN THE DOOR OPENS. SHE WALKS RIGHT UP TO IRVING AS HE
SITS AT HIS DESK. SHE TOSSES HER COAT TO THE SIDE.

IRVING STARES UP HER TENSE -- WHAT WILL SHE DO?

SYDNEY PROSSER
You said it was nice knowing me.
You said it was nice to meet me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah.

SYDNEY EXTENDS HER HAND TO HIM IN A ROYAL FASHION.

SYDNEY PROSSER
(British accent)
Would you like to meet Lady Edith
Greensly?

Irving looks stunned as he slowly clasps her extended hand.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
(British accent)
I have royal banking connections in
London. I’d love to help you with
your loan but of course I have to
be very selective.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That was fucking fantastic.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Thank you. Did you like it?
18.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I liked it. I didn’t think you were
coming back. Thank god you came
back.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I wasn’t going anywhere.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I fucking love you.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You have me.

CUT TO:


40 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET 40

ONE OF SYDNEY’S NANNY FRIENDS, REBECCA, walk out of a
BUSINESS MAN’s (34) house pushing a stroller as the business
man comes chasing after them.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
And so Irving and I began our
partnership -- in love and
commerce.


BUSINESSMAN
Rebecca, hold on. You’re Edith
right?


SYDNEY PROSSER(V.O.)
He told me to tell my friends I had
(in British accent) London banking
connections

BUSINESSMAN
I'm Jim. I'm her employer. Listen -
- she told me you can get me a line
of credit. I know you have banking
connections in London, England.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
And after that...say “no” a lot
until the guy is hooked.

Edith and Rebecca start walking away as the businessman
chases after them.
19.


BUSINESSMAN
Becky tell her! I’ve never missed a
check!

EDITH GREENSLY
(walking away)
NO!

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
It was almost scary how easy it
could be to take money from
desperate people.

CUT TO:


41 INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - DAY 41

Edith extends her hand to greet ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN, 35.
Edith is dressed in a more sophisticated high end British
fashion.

EDITH GREENSLY
Lady Edith Greensly, it’s so good
to see you again.

ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN, 35
Lady -- your ladyship -- thank you
again.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
These are the roles that we were
meant to play.


42 INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY 42

Another desperate businessman sits across from Edith and
Irving.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We’re very selective.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You got a strong application. We’ll
talk about it.


INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MARK.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I don’t take a deal that I can’t
close.
20.


SYDNEY PROSSER
You’re not being aggressive enough
in putting up your assets --

The man looks nervous --

NERVOUS LOAN APPLICANT
Have you ever been to Queens? Have
you ever been to Great Neck?
Everybody knows my dealerships.


CONTINUOUS MONTAGE AS THEIR CLOTHING CHANGES FROM DAY TO DAY
BUT THE SETTING REMAINS THE SAME AS THEY CON MARK AFTER MARK.

A desperate man takes out a BUSINESS CHECK BOOK and writes
his check.

DESPERATE MAN
Five thousand gets me fifty right?

ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN
Five will get me thirty five. Is
that right?

ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN, 35
Five grand gets me fifty?
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Irving Rosenfeld and Sydney Prossper, now dressed as Lady Edith Greensly, continue their scam in Irving's dingy office. Sydney's new persona impresses Irving, and she uses it to scam a businessman with the help of her friend Rebecca. The scene is tense and anxious, with moments of excitement and triumph as the scammers continue to be successful.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of visual variety in setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, deception, manipulation, and emotional depth to create a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a romantic and criminal partnership built on deception and manipulation is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with the characters engaging in cons and navigating complex relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of deception and manipulation in a criminal setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with depth and complexity in their motivations and actions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and motivations, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal in this scene is to regain the trust and affection of Sydney, as well as to feel validated and loved.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to successfully con the businessmen into giving them money for a loan.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, both internal and external, adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and moral dilemmas that drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the cons and the complex relationships between the characters add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by developing the characters, their relationships, and the ongoing cons.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the uncertain outcomes of their schemes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the moral dilemma of deceiving and manipulating desperate people for financial gain. This challenges Irving and Sydney's values and ethics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional depth of the characters and their relationships adds impact to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities and intentions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the fast-paced dialogue, and the high stakes of their actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character motivations and a progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. It's unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what obstacles they are facing.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a formal and unnatural way that doesn't feel like real conversation.
  • The characters are underdeveloped. We don't learn much about their motivations or personalities.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The ending of the scene is unsatisfying. It doesn't provide any closure or resolution to the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear goal or conflict to the scene. What are the characters trying to achieve? What obstacles are they facing?
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them clear motivations and personalities.
  • Shorten the scene to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to provide closure or resolution to the conflict.



Scene 8 -  Celebrating Success: A Valuable Sale and Family Time
INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY

Sydney and Irving laugh and celebrate.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I was doing so much more business
with her. I mean it doubled, then
it tripled.


INT. IRV’S GLASS STORE - DAY

Sydney -- hair getting bigger -- goes over the books with a
Latino Man who nods and watches her --

Edith counts cash in the register - recounts it -- explains
how things can be done better as DRY CLEANING WORKER nods.

Irv watches happy.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
And I never met anyone, man or
woman, in business who was so
careful and precise about
everything. Every stylistic detail.
21.


INT. BUSINESSMAN OFFICE - DAY

Irving and Edith discuss a piece of art they’re in the
process of selling to a businessman.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We kept selling art together, too.

EDITH GREENSLY
It's really a fabulous example of a
genre painting, which is really
rare for the time. It's a boy and
his dog. Non-religious painting.
55. Golden age. Dutch painting.


ANOTHER DAY -- A CAR DEALERSHIP OFFICE -- IRV DROPS THE
CANVAS BAG REVEALING A VINTAGE PAINTING -- (COLORED ORBS AND
LINES) -- TO THE MIDDLE AGED CAR DEALER WHO OWNS THE
WAREHOUSE WHO WRITES A CHECK.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Paul Klee. Bauhaus Movement. 1920s.

MIDDLE AGED CAR DEALER
Before we go any further, is this
legit?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Let’s just say it’s missing from
Spain and leave it at that.

EDITH GREENSLY
Don’t show any Spanish friends.

Irving and Sydney kiss passionately in front of the middle
aged car dealer as he tries to hand them his check.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I mean it just took off. We got an
elegant Manhattan office. We called
it London Associates for her
accent.


44 INT. NEW OFFICE LOBBY - MADISON AVENUE - DAY 44

A JANITOR FINISHES POLISHING SILVER PLATED LARGE LETTERS:
LONDON ASSOCIATES to a pale wall as he and Edith sip
champagne from flutes and offer one to the worker who toasts
with them.
22.


IRV DOES HIS TRADEMARK MINIMALIST BADGER DANCE, IN PROFILE,
TO QUIET DELIGHT OF SYDNEY.

Irv and Edith kiss gently, lovingly, sincerely on the lips --

They walk into their CLASSIC LOOKING, STAID, PRIVATE BANKING
OFFICE SUITE.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
When I was around her I felt joy.
Fucking joy! And love. That’s what
I felt.

SMASH TO:


46 EXT. PARK AVENUE - SUNNY DAY 46

47 They dance down Park Avenue together. 47

INT. LOBBY OF PIERRE HOTEL - CONTINUOUS

Irv and Edith dance through the lobby.


49 THE PIERRE HOTEL CAFE 49

As they dance among mostly older wealthy couples on the small
dance floor of the elegant restaurant as a live jazz quartet
plays “I’ve Got Your Number”. Camera circles them, putting
their foreheads together, very happy. THEY SING TO EACH
OTHER quietly as they dance close.


50 INT. ROOM AT PIERRE HOTEL -- NIGHT 50

Irv and Edith make passionate love, we see in pieces --

He gets up, she watches him dress and leave --


52 INT. IRV’S CADILLAC - NIGHT 52

53 He drives over the Triborough Bridge. 53

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
As, as far as I could see, people
were always conning each other to
get what they wanted. We even con
ourselves.
23.


54 INT./EXT. IRV’S CADILLAC - NIGHT 54

55 He drives through the suburb of ranch houses and driveways 55

56 and pulls into his driveway of his split-level ranch. Irv 56
gets out of his Cadillac and walks to the front door of his
house --

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We talk ourselves into things. We
sell ourselves things we maybe
don't even need or want by dressing
them up. We leave out the risk. We
leave out the ugly truth.


57 INT. IRV’S HOUSE - NIGHT 57

Irv walks into the decorated ranch house, frosted glass with
bird designs, glass tables, walls, black and brown lacquer
everywhere. He walks into the house and looks at a picture
his son did -- a drawing of the Yankees playing baseball --
that is taped to the refrigerator.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Pay attention to that because we’re
all conning ourselves in one way or
another just to get through life.

Irv takes Danny’s picture from the fridge and tip toes --
with low sounds now of O.S. TV -- Irv goes to A CLOSED DOOR
WITH YANKEE STICKERS on it --

Irv OPENS A BEDROOM DOOR TO REVEAL HIS 5 YEAR OLD SON, DANNY.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He was married, and he had a son.


58 INT. DANNY’S ROOM - NIGHT 58

DANNY is on the bed, picture books, baseball cards, spread
all around him. Irv stands holding the picture. Danny looks
over his shoulder.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He had adopted her son.

DANNY
DADDY!
24.


SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He was a really good dad and I
respected him for that. It was a
tough situation for everyone.

Irv’s face lights up.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Danny. This is a fantastic
picture. What did you do today?

DANNY
That kid Donovan is being mean to
me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
The big kid? I thought Mommy picked
you up so he couldn’t bother you.

DANNY
She was late, and then after we put
out the fire, mommy said stay in my
room with my baseball cards.

Danny reaches across to Irving and takes his glasses off his
face and puts them on.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What fire?

DANNY
Did you know they make a lamp that
has the sun in it? [Irv looks at
him] Mommy got the lamp. She made
her special drink and the lamp made
a fire.

Irv looks concerned.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Irving Rosenfeld and Sydney Prossor, successful art dealers, celebrate their increased profits and meticulous attention to detail in their Manhattan office. They sell a valuable painting to a car dealer, further showcasing their success. The scene ends with Irving returning home to his son Danny, providing a heartwarming conclusion to a prosperous day.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Lack of high stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines elements of crime, drama, and romance to create a compelling and emotionally resonant story. The character development, dialogue, and thematic depth contribute to a rich and engaging scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the intricacies of a con artist's life, their relationships, and the emotional impact of their actions is well-executed. The scene delves into themes of deception, love, and family, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses smoothly, focusing on the development of Irving and Sydney's relationship, their business ventures, and Irving's family dynamics. The scene effectively weaves together multiple storylines to create a cohesive narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on themes of love, business, and self-deception, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Irving and Sydney showcasing depth, complexity, and emotional vulnerability. The scene also introduces Danny, adding a layer of family dynamics and personal stakes to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Irving undergoes subtle changes in the scene, particularly in his interactions with Sydney and Danny. His emotional vulnerability and commitment to his family show growth and development in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find joy and love in his relationship with Edith, as he reflects on his feelings of happiness and fulfillment when he is with her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully sell art and conduct business deals, showcasing his skills and expertise in the field.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there are moments of conflict, particularly in Irving's family life and business dealings, the scene focuses more on the emotional dynamics between the characters. The conflict serves to deepen the relationships and add tension to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, challenging the protagonist's beliefs and actions.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional and personal stakes for the characters are significant. The relationships, business ventures, and family dynamics create tension and anticipation for the audience.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationships between the characters, introducing new plot elements, and deepening the emotional stakes. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and revelations, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of self-deception and conning, as the protagonist reflects on how people deceive themselves and others to achieve their desires.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from passion and joy to concern and nostalgia. The complex relationships, personal stakes, and emotional depth of the characters contribute to a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, authentic, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively. It adds depth to the relationships and enhances the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic exploration of love and self-deception.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, guiding the audience through the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • This scene is mostly a montage of Irving and Sydney's success in their art dealing business. It's unclear what the purpose of the scene is, as it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is also very repetitive, with multiple shots of Irving and Sydney celebrating their success and kissing. This repetition makes the scene feel tedious and boring.
  • Additionally, the dialogue is very expositional, with Irving and Sydney simply stating facts about their business. This makes the dialogue uninteresting and difficult to follow.
  • Finally, the scene ends abruptly with Irving driving home to his son. This ending is unsatisfying and leaves the viewer feeling like the scene was cut short.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting this scene altogether. It doesn't add anything to the story and it slows down the pace of the film.
  • If you do decide to keep the scene, consider adding more conflict or tension. This will help to make the scene more interesting and engaging.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and less expositional. This will make the dialogue easier to follow and more interesting to listen to.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. This could involve adding a twist or a cliffhanger that leaves the viewer wanting more.



Scene 9 -  A Fiery Revelation and a Tense Reunion
59 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 59

Irv’s wife Rosalyn sits up on the bed in a muumuu, half her
face is burned.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I put out the fire. The fire is
out.

IRVING ROSENFELD
For the first time in my life I do
the right thing.
25.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Oh shut up --

IRVING ROSENFELD
I save a young single mother, and
her kid. I marry her. I adopt him -
-

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You fell in love! Don’t forget we
fell madly in love!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes, I fell in love. My God, I
fell in love. Yes. But you know
what? I thought you were
mysterious like my mother until it
turned out that mysterious just
meant depressed, hard to reach. I
mean, I'm dying here! And you need
somebody who's gonna be quiet like
you. You’re young, you're
beautiful. You gotta find somebody
else. You gotta go out and get
some friends all right? Don't sit
inside --

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I don’t like going out. You know
that I get anxiety when I have to
meet people. You know how hard that
is.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah but you can’t just stay in the
house with the fucking sun lamp.
Alright? And I can't-- I mean,
look, I can't trust you with it
anyway. That fire and everything. I
can't trust to leave you with
Danny.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I put the fire out Irving! There is
no fire! Maybe if you were here
more, then there wouldn't have been
a fire in the first place.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh, what, there wouldn't have been
a fire if I was here?
26.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Just stop with the whole fire
thing. God it was a mistake. I’m
sure a million people do that all
the time. Those sun lamps are
dangerous. Shouldn't even have them
in the house, really. I bet that
happens all the time. This was
nothing.

IRVING ROSENFELD
We’re not happy. Alright?

Rosalyn just stares there for a moment at Irving saying
nothing.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You know that I could take Danny.
You know that most of your work is
illegal. And you know that if you
tried to divorce me, you know that--
I'm not saying that I would, but
I'm saying that I could. And I'm
saying that that is why I don't
like divorce, Irving. Women do that
in divorces. Women get the
children, and then the fathers
never see them. My mother never got
divorced. My grandmother never got
divorced. There are NO divorces in
my family. I am not getting a
divorce.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Come on. What are we doing here?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
We fight and we fuck and that’s
what we do. That’s our thing.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She was the Piccaso of passive
aggressive karate. She was better
than any con artist I'd ever met
including myself. And she had me
like nobody had me.


Rosalyn sheds her muumuu, to reveal a white leotard.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving, come to mama. Come on.
27.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
You might say she was my karma for
how I took advantage of people.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving, come here. Come on. Get
into bed.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Alright.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
63 Baby, there’s such good stuff here. 63
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Irv and Rosalyn Rosenfeld have a heated conversation in their bedroom at night, where Rosalyn reveals she caused a fire with a sun lamp and threatens to take their son Danny if they divorce. Irv expresses his love for her but also his doubts about their relationship due to her depression and his infidelity. The scene ends with Rosalyn seducing Irv and Irv getting into bed with her.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive arguments
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong performances and impactful dialogue that reveal the complex dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a dysfunctional marriage and the consequences of past actions is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the scene explores the troubled marriage between Irving and Rosalyn, adding layers to their characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on marital discord and personal struggles, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Rosalyn's manipulative behavior and Irving's internal struggle adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Irving and Rosalyn undergo emotional changes in the scene, revealing new facets of their personalities and deepening their character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal in this scene is to confront the unhappiness and dysfunction in his marriage with Rosalyn. This reflects his deeper desire for genuine connection and fulfillment in his personal life.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to address the aftermath of the fire incident and the implications it has on his relationship with Rosalyn. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his marriage.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving and Rosalyn is palpable, with underlying tensions and unresolved issues driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotional barriers between Irving and Rosalyn that create obstacles to their relationship.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of a failing marriage and the impact on their son add tension and urgency to the scene, raising the emotional stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' motivations and relationships, moving the story forward by setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional outbursts and shifting power dynamics, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of marriage, trust, and personal fulfillment. Irving and Rosalyn have differing views on their relationship and what it means to be happy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as the characters' struggles and conflicts are portrayed with raw intensity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and revealing, showcasing the characters' emotions and inner conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the intense emotional conflict, candid dialogue, and the characters' complex dynamics that keep the audience invested in their story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing for impactful character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, allowing for clear character interactions and emotional beats.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the escalating tension and emotional turmoil between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or driving conflict. While it touches on marital issues between Irving and Rosalyn, it doesn't explore them in a meaningful way.
  • The dialogue often feels forced and unnatural, with characters stating their emotions and motivations explicitly rather than revealing them through their actions and interactions.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags, with long stretches of dialogue that don't advance the plot or develop the characters.
  • The character of Rosalyn is underdeveloped and lacks depth. Her motivations and desires are not fully explored, and she comes across as primarily a plot device to create conflict in Irving's life.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and narration, which can be tedious and distancing for the audience.
  • The use of Irving's voiceover commentary is excessive and unnecessary. It provides information that could be conveyed more effectively through dialogue and action.
Suggestions
  • Redefine the purpose of the scene and establish a clear conflict that drives the action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and revealing of character.
  • Tighten the pacing by cutting unnecessary dialogue and exposition.
  • Develop Rosalyn's character by fleshing out her motivations, desires, and backstory.
  • Minimize the use of exposition and narration, and instead let the characters and their actions convey the information.
  • Consider using the scene as an opportunity to delve deeper into the marital problems between Irving and Rosalyn, exploring their emotional complexities and vulnerabilities.



Scene 10 -  Jealous Rivalry and an FBI Sting
INT. DANNY’S ROOM - NIGHT

DANNY SITS PLAYING ON THE BED WITH HIS TOYS.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I did not want to leave the kid
behind. He was my son. She had me.
I was her mark.


INT. LONDON ASSOCIATES - DAY

SLOW PUSH IN FROM WIDE SHOT BEHIND NEW CLIENT/MARK, FROM THE
BACK, AS THEY SIT FACING EDITH, TO ONE SIDE, AND IRV, BEHIND
THE DESK.

CAMERA KEEPS PUSHING IN SLOWLY TOWARD THE BACK OF THE MARK’S
HEAD AS HE FACES SYD AND IRV.

WE NOW SEE THE MARK: A charismatic, mercurial, wild eyed
BUSINESSMAN “MORT PAPIERMAN” in need of a loan.

Mort’s eyes go from her knees to her eyes -- His eyes meet
Sydney’s -- he looks soulful, open. She stares at him. Irv
notices uncomfortably. He’s JEALOUS.

IRVING ROSENFELD
-- and every deal I take, I close.
However, my fee is non refundable,
just like my time.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
(filling out paper work)
I want to thank you very much
Irving for seeing me. Sorry I’m so
nervous.

Richie reaches for his top button to adjust it.
28.


MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Am I not buttoned?

Edith stares at him and smiles.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I just gotta say Mr. Rosenfeld,
that Lady Edith was very adamant
that you were top notch and --

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s correct.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
I really need your help. I’m
desperate. I’ve got the Audis for
collateral and the two boats, and I
forgot to mention that I have a
little piece of real estate in Long
Island.

EDITH GREENSLY
No, you didn't mention that. Two
lunches and you never mentioned
that.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
Oh, I was gonna mention it and then
the guy with the hat walked in.

EDITH GREENSLY
The hat.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
And I forgot totally. It was the
second time we had lunch.

EDITH GREENSLY
You couldn't see his eyes. He had
no eyes. It was like, did he make
it?

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
(laughing)
Do they sell hats like that? Where
do they come from? Actually, I went
to the store that I thought maybe
he bought it there. I was gonna get
you one --

EDITH GREENSLY
You were going to get me one?
29.


MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
Like as a memento.

Irving decides to interject.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Two lunches?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes. It’s two lunches. What’s the
big deal?

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s unusual.

EDITH GREENSLY
I was trying to get him to be more
aggressive. On his loan that is.

Mort PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
You showed me a whole new side of
the city I'd never seen before.

EDITH GREENSLY
Oh, good. You’re welcome.

Mort PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
No, thank you.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, right. You liked it? Should I
take you there?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Should I take you there twice?


EDITH GREENSLY
Stop.

IRVING MOTIONS SYDNEY TO COME CLOSE HE WHISPERS
CONFIDENTIALLY TO HER.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(confidential to Edith)
What’s going on, you like this guy?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes I like this guy.
30.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Is that messing up your judgement?
Don’t be stupid.

SYDNEY PROSSER
No, he’s not messing with my
judgment.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey, play your part.

EDITH GREENSLY
Fine. You play your part.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
(holds out cashiers check)
Take it to your people in London.
Please, take it to them. I got the
cashier’s check right here. I give
you five and you give me fifty
right back, right? Please. Please
don’t reject me. Give a guy a
chance.

MORT/RICHIE REPEATEDLY TRIES TO HAND IT TO IRV, WHO IS BUSY
STARING AT SYDNEY STARING AT MORT. MORT HOLDS THE CHECK IN
THE AIR UNCOMFORTABLY AWKWARDLY UNTIL -- almost in slow
motion --Edith takes the check -- staring at Mort. IRV STARTS
TO LEAVE -

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Zurich? You got an office in
Zurich? Paris? I can call Paris?

IRVING ROSENFELD
If you could excuse me for one
second?

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, take your time. Do whatever
you need to do. Go ahead, take your
time.

HE HEADS TO THE REAR EXIT WHILE SYD MOVES TO ANOTHER -- IRV
OPENS THE DOOR - BAM -- A WARRANT IS HELD UP TO HIS FACE BY
STOCKY FBI AGENT SCHMIDT IN A SUIT - HE WALKS IRV BACK INTO
THE OFFICE --

AS Edith OPENS A SIDE DOOR -- BANG - FEDERAL AGENT STOCK
WALKS HER BACK INTO THE OFFICE WITH A WARRANT.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You got the wrong office, you’re
gonna be embarrassed.
31.


THE AGENTS START PUTTING EDITH IN CUFFS IMMEDIATELY.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
HEY, HEY, HEY! GO EASY ON HER.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
I may not have you, Irving, but I
have her on fraud. Impersonating
another individual.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Fraud?! Fraud? What is that?
Identity fraud?

AGENTS SCHMIDT AND STOCK IMMEDIATELY START TAKING BOXES OF
FILES FROM DRAWERS, IMPOUNDING EVIDENCE.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
You may be from England, Edith, but
you’re not royal and you have no
banking connections and that’s a
felony. How long is that? That’s 3-
5 years I think.

EDITH GREENSLY
(about the handcuffs)
Hey! Not so tight!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh really? That’s interesting. I
don’t even know your real name.

Richie pulls out a badge and shoves it in Irving’s face.

RICHIE DIMASO
Richie Dimaso, FBI. Nice to meet
you.

Richie looks at Edith with concern and points at Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
You gotta get away from this guy.

Agents take boxes of files out of the office- Irv standing
alone in center of room- shell-shocked.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Irving Rosenfeld reflects on his relationship with his son while meeting a new mark, Mort Papermann, at his office. Edith Greensly, secretly working with the FBI, handles the meeting, causing Irving to become jealous of the attention she pays to Mort. The scene ends with the FBI, including undercover agent Richie Dimaso, raiding their office, taking files and placing Edith in handcuffs.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional intensity
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion for the characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a major conflict that will drive the story forward. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, keeping the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of deception, fraud, and identity plays a central role in this scene, setting up a major turning point in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the FBI closes in on the main characters, leading to a high-stakes confrontation that will have significant repercussions for the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements of deception and fraud in a business setting, with authentic character interactions and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene and driving the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 6

The characters undergo subtle shifts in their relationships and motivations, setting the stage for further development in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to maintain control and protect himself and his associates from potential threats or consequences. He is also dealing with feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to successfully close a deal with Mort Papierman for a loan, but it is overshadowed by the unexpected turn of events with the FBI raid and accusations of fraud.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and betrayals driving the tension to a boiling point.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unexpected FBI raid and accusations creating a challenging situation for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the main characters facing potential legal consequences and betrayals that could have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the main characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden FBI raid and accusations of fraud, which add a layer of suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of deception, identity, and consequences. Irving and Edith's actions challenge the values of honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and tension, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and full of subtext, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, unexpected plot twists, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format for a suspenseful drama, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
  • The scene lacks conflict and tension, and could be improved by adding some obstacles for the characters to overcome.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and could be improved by adding a more satisfying resolution.
Suggestions
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Make the dialogue more conversational by using contractions and informal language.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Add conflict and tension to the scene by introducing obstacles for the characters to overcome.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying resolution by adding a twist or surprise ending.



Scene 11 -  Richie Dimaso's Manipulation in the Holding Cell
64 INT. FBI HOLDING OFFICES - DAY. 64

SYDNEY IS LED INTO A HOLDING CELL BY AN FBI AGENT.
32.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
He wouldn’t let me see her for
three days. He even managed to
delay a lawyer.


INT. FBI HOLDING CELL - DAY

Dim cell, lit only from small high barred window, no lights
on. Edith looks like she’s coming apart -- circles under her
eyes, a shadow of her confident self -- pale, scared, hair
flat, stringy, unglamourous, pacing, rocking.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
65 She couldn't handle it. 65


66 INT. FBI HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 66

FLUORESCENT LIGHTS COME ON IN THE CELL -- Edith squints. Cell
is unlocked by Richie Dimaso WHO enters with a cup and saucer
of tea. He stands near her with the tea.

RICHIE DIMASO
(to the other side of the
two-way mirror)
Joe, how come the fluorescents are
on? Can we kill that, please? (to
Syd) Jesus I put this lamp here for
you 'cause I thought it'd be better
for you. There's a wire here.
They're scared because people hang
themselves but I know you’re too
smart for that. Where’s the table
and chair? There's no bed here?
It’s like a fucking asylum. Joe, is
everybody off today? Jesus Christ
it’s scary. Maybe I wanted to scare
you. I don’t know. Maybe it was my
idea. Maybe i’m a little off the
beaten path you know? I don’t know.
You look dehydrated. Here, want to
try some tea? Oh yeah, your lips
are all chapped. (re: tea) It’s
herbal. My favorite.

Richie bends down to Edith who is sitting on the floor in the
corner and hands her the cup and saucer. She lifts the cup
but her hand is shaking almost violently as she raises the
cup to her lips.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I know you think -- look at me.
Hey. Edith.
(MORE)
33.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I know you think Irv loves you. I
know you think you know him -- that
he sees the world as a cold, dark
place, and he cares about nobody
but very few people on his short
list: his son, his father, Rosalyn,
and you. And you think you’re at
the top of that list. But what if
you’re not. What if you’re not even
on the list at all? He’d be in
here right now if he took the
check.

She thinks about this. She trembles.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
He'd be in here right now if he
took the check. But no, you did.
God, it's, it's so clear to me.
It's so crazy -- it's clear to me,
but it's not clear to you. He uses
you, Edith, to protect himself. To
protect his son and his wife in
Long Island. No? Yes. He put a
ring on her finger, he adopted her
son. They have huge house, they
have two cars. What does she do all
day? I'll tell you what she does --
she plays with her nails, she
watches T.V., and she spends your
money, the money that you make.

Edith stares at Richie, taking this in.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I don't like that you're in jail
while he's going free. I don't
like any of that. I want to help
you. All the razzle-dazzle that he
does, it's not good. It's not real.
It's fake. It's not real. Who you
are is who you are, between you and
God. You and your soul. That's what
matters. That's what counts.
That's what I'm about. And that's
what I see in you. Tell me you
didn't feel it the first time we
saw each other. Am I crazy? I don't
think so. I'm not supposed to be
talking like this, but I don't
care, I break the rules.

Edith looks at Richie in silence as she thinks about what
he’s saying.
34.


RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Okay, Edith? Edith. I want to help
you. I like you. (whispers) I like
you. (dead serious) I like you.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Sydney is held in an FBI cell, where she is visited by Richie Dimaso. He tries to manipulate her into turning against Irv by saying that Irv doesn't care for her as much as she thinks. Richie also emotionally appeals to Sydney, saying that he likes her and wants to help her. The scene is tense and manipulative, and ends with Sydney looking at Richie in silence, deep in thought.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, revealing crucial character dynamics and setting up significant conflicts for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing hidden truths and manipulation within relationships is executed effectively, adding layers to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the unraveling of Edith and Irving's relationship dynamics, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the themes of love, loyalty, and self-deception, presenting a nuanced portrayal of human relationships and motivations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multidimensional, with their vulnerabilities and motivations coming to the forefront in this scene.

Character Changes: 8

Edith undergoes a significant emotional transformation as she grapples with the truths revealed to her, leading to potential changes in her actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the realization that she may not be as important to her partner as she thought. This reflects her deeper need for validation, love, and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the interrogation and legal proceedings she is facing, potentially seeking a way out of her current situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is palpable, with tensions running high and relationships being tested.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Richie challenging the protagonist's beliefs and motivations, creating a sense of conflict and tension. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Edith is faced with the possibility of betrayal and manipulation by those she trusts, leading to potential consequences for her future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and their relationships, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and emotional twists that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and motivations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's beliefs about love, loyalty, and self-worth. Richie challenges her perception of her relationship and her place in her partner's life, forcing her to confront uncomfortable truths.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy for Edith and tension from the revelations being made.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and revealing, showcasing the manipulative tactics of Richie and the emotional turmoil of Edith.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, intimate character interactions, and high stakes. The dialogue and character dynamics draw the audience in, creating a sense of suspense and emotional investment.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of emotional intensity and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative description enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively utilizing dialogue and narrative description to create a visually engaging and emotionally resonant scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the interrogation. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and could be streamlined to make it more concise.
  • The character of Richie Dimaso is underdeveloped and could be fleshed out to make him more interesting.
  • The scene lacks tension and could be more engaging if there was a greater sense of danger or urgency.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic and could be rewritten to leave the reader with a stronger impression.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down to its essential elements and focus on the most important moments.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Develop the character of Richie Dimaso by giving him more depth and motivation.
  • Add tension to the scene by creating a greater sense of danger or urgency.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to leave the reader with a stronger impression.



Scene 12 -  Irv's Reluctance to Cooperate with the FBI
67 INT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY - DAY 67

Irv stands alone on the other side of the glass staring at
Sydney.

Richard Dimaso walks in.

RICHIE DIMASO
Been in there three days. Hasn’t
been so good for her.

Irv continues to stare at Sydney.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
How does that make you feel her in
there? That check was for you,
right? But you knew somethin' was
off. That's 'cause you're good.
You're, like, the best at what you
do in the whole country, aren't
you?

Irv looks at him.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
But you know what? If the country
were run by people like you, Irving
Rosenfeld we'd be living in Eastern
Europe or Guatemala. You ever been
in Guatemala? You ever been in jail
in Guatemala? You ever try to get a
telephone or a permit or anything
in Guatemala? That's what this
country would be like if we let
people, let the liars like you, run
this country.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Who made you god and judge?

RICHIE DIMASO
My grandmother lived to be ninety-
three years old. Never lied in her
life.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Congratulations.
35.


RICHIE DIMASO
Thank you. I'm proud of that, too.
Does that make her not a good
person? Is that not something to
strive for?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Why you breaking my balls? Get to
the point.

RICHIE DIMASO
I see something in you, Irving. I
get very excited. I think that we
have a lot of potential here. Now,
look. I came up with the idea.
It's all from me. I want to change
things. I want to go after white
collar crime. Irving, you're very
skilled. And I want you to teach me
and we can do this. I want four
people that do what you do.
Fraudulent investments. Fake
certificates of deposit. Stolen
art, fake art. You get me four
people and you're off the hook.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Four busts and you'll leave us
alone? We don't have to testify?

RICHIE DIMASO
You're good, you're done. Anything
you want. But if you run, then your
life is over. You'll be hunted, and
it's gonna be very difficult for
Rosalyn and your kid to live in
this country.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Irv stands alone in the FBI office, staring at Sydney through a glass partition. FBI agent Richie Dimaso approaches Irv and tries to convince him to cooperate with the FBI, promising to let him and his associates off the hook if they help catch four white collar criminals. Irv remains hesitant and suspicious of Richie's motives, and the scene ends with Irv still skeptical. The main conflict in this scene is Irv's reluctance to trust Richie and cooperate with the FBI. The tone is tense and confrontational.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed, with strong tension and conflict driving the narrative forward. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a criminal being coerced into working with the FBI is compelling and adds layers of complexity to the story. The negotiation between Irving and Richie sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Irving is presented with a crucial decision that will impact his future. The conflict between Irving and Richie adds depth to their relationship and sets the stage for further tension.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on white-collar crime and the moral ambiguity of the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Richie are well-developed in this scene, with their conflicting motivations and personalities driving the narrative forward. The dynamic between them is engaging and adds depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Irving undergoes a significant internal struggle in this scene as he is forced to make a difficult decision that will impact his future. The confrontation with Richie challenges his beliefs and values, leading to potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and his family while navigating a dangerous situation. He is also grappling with his own moral compass and values.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid prosecution and protect his family by cooperating with the FBI in catching other criminals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving and Richie is intense and drives the narrative forward. The high stakes and manipulation add tension to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas creating uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Irving is faced with a life-changing decision that will impact his family and future. The manipulation and coercion add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a new conflict and setting up future developments. The negotiation between Irving and Richie sets the stage for further plot twists and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and hidden motivations of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deception, as well as the consequences of one's actions on their loved ones. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality and the law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from tension to empathy for the characters. The high stakes and personal motivations add depth to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, intense, and reveals the true nature of the characters. The manipulation and confrontation between Irving and Richie add tension and intrigue to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, sharp dialogue, and complex character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense as the dialogue unfolds.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a tense, dialogue-driven scene in a crime drama.


Critique
  • The dialogue is too verbose and expository. It would be more effective if it were more concise and to the point.
  • The characters are not well-developed. The audience does not get a clear sense of who they are or what they want.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There is no clear goal or stakes for the characters.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the audience with no sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the dialogue and make it more concise.
  • Develop the characters by giving them clear goals and motivations.
  • Add tension and conflict to the scene by creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by resolving the conflict and providing a sense of closure.



Scene 13 -  The Decision
68 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT 68

A NICE UPPER EAST SIDE apartment. Sydney has finally changed
her clothing from when she wore the same dress at the holding
cell. It is quiet in the apartment - faint street noise from
3rd Avenue below.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We need to leave. We need to run
and we need to do it now. We can go
to Estonia or Romania, I don't
care, we'll take the cash from the
bed and get out of here, alright?
We talked about it a hundred times.
36.


Irv stares at her and struggles.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What about Danny?

SYDNEY PROSSER
What about Danny?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I adopted him! I gave him my name!
I'm not leaving him with Rosalyn,
she's unstable!

SYDNEY PROSSER
That’s a manipulation! Rosalyn’s
will never let you go. She'll use
Danny against you because she's too
messed up to let you leave.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t leave him. I love him.
Alright? He’s my son.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Richie said you would say that.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Richie? What, the cop? Your on a
first name basis with him?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yes I am. I’m not even on your list
am I?

IRVING ROSENFELD
What list?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Your list. Your short list. Your
long list. I'm not even on anyone
of your fucking lists. I thought
you loved me. I thought we had
something.

IRVING ROSENFELD
We do have something. I love you,
it’s perfect! What are you saying?
We're gonna go to Romania? We're
gonna take Danny?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yes. Yes, that’s what I’m saying.
You, me, Danny.
37.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Well you never said that before.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I’m saying it now. We're us, and we
can make it an adventure like we
did. We can make it an adventure
like we make everything, alright?
But we have to go now. We have to
leave right now.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t leave Danny. I’ll lose
custody.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You have to take me away! We have
to leave!


(sobbing)
What are you saying?! Oh my god.


IRVING ROSENFELD
What are you doing?! Please!

Sydney goes storming out of the room and down the hall of her
apartment. Irving follows.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I can’t believe this is happening.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t say I don’t love you because
that’s bullshit!

SYDNEY PROSSER
(sobbing)
This is bullshit. You are bullshit.
We are bullshit.

She starts sobbing, shaking.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Please don’t do this.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I just never thought you were
conning me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I could never con you. I love you.
Please don’t say this.
38.


Irv walks to her and bends down to join her on the floor as
she sobs.

SYDNEY PROSSER
No, I’m done.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t say that.

SYDNEY PROSSER
(cries)
I'm gonna do these four busts,
these four cons, to get us out of
this. Not just me, but us. And
I'm gonna get really close with
Richie, the cop, in case we need to
use him, if we need another move.

IRVING ROSENFELD
We don’t need another move. We need
four busts, and we’re done.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We are going to need another move,
trust me. And you’re going to be
thanking me. (shifts to British
accent) The key to people is what
they believe and what they want to
believe and I want to believe that
we were real, and I want to believe
that a man could want me. And I'm
gonna take all of that heartbreak,
and all of that sorrow, and I am
going to use it. And I'm going to
make Richie think that I want him,
and that I like him, and I’m going
to be very convincing -- And I’m
pissed at you.

Sydney reaches over and carefully grabs Irving’s face
lovingly which quickly turns into a slap as she continues on.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Because I’m pissed at you!

Irving stares at Sydney with confusion. He’s never seen her
like this before.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Maybe I do like him -- Maybe I like
him a lot. From the feet up right --
baby?

Sydney gets up from the couch and storms back to her room.
39.


SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Quite your belly aching and come up
with something to get us out of
this. And you're right -- I'm in no
state to deal with this so what's
it gonna be, Mister Mastermind?

SOUND PRELAP:

RICHIE DIMASO (O.S.)
69 An Arab sheik? Why do we need an 69
Arab Sheik?
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Sydney and Irving have a heated argument about leaving, with Sydney accusing Irving of manipulation and not truly loving her. Sydney reveals she has been in contact with Richie, causing tension and jealousy between the two. Despite their differences, Sydney decides to go through with the cons to get them out of their situation and get close to Richie if needed. The scene ends with Sydney storming off to her room, leaving Irving alone in the apartment.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly melodramatic moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and sets up significant conflicts and character dynamics for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the emotional turmoil and manipulation between Irving and Sydney, is well-executed and adds depth to their characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly through the emotional confrontation and the revelation of Sydney's manipulative plans, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the characters' conflicting desires, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Sydney are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their conflicting desires, vulnerabilities, and manipulative tendencies.

Character Changes: 8

Both Irving and Sydney undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, revealing new layers of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Sydney's internal goal is to escape with Irving and start a new life, free from the consequences of their cons. This reflects her desire for freedom and a fresh start.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to plan their next con to secure their future and escape their current predicament. This reflects their immediate need for a solution to their problems.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving and Sydney is intense and emotionally charged, driving the scene forward and setting up future conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas that create obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters face emotional turmoil, betrayal, and the potential loss of their relationship.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing Sydney's manipulative plans and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' shifting motivations, conflicting desires, and unexpected emotional outbursts that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' conflicting beliefs about love, trust, and manipulation. Sydney believes in using deception to achieve their goals, while Irving struggles with the idea of leaving his adopted son behind.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of love, betrayal, and manipulation from the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals the inner thoughts and motivations of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, rapid dialogue exchanges, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension through rapid dialogue exchanges, emotional outbursts, and character revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The stakes of the scene are not clear. What happens if Sydney and Irving don't leave? What are the consequences of their actions?
  • The dialogue is too on-the-nose and expository. It tells the audience what the characters are thinking and feeling, rather than showing it through their actions.
  • Irving is too easily swayed by Sydney's emotional manipulation. He doesn't seem to have any agency of his own.
  • The scene is too long and lacks focus. It could be cut down significantly to make it more impactful.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. Sydney storms out of the room, but it's not clear what happens next or what the consequences of her actions will be.
Suggestions
  • Raise the stakes of the scene by making it clear what will happen if Sydney and Irving don't leave. For example, they could be arrested or even killed.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and less expository. Show the audience what the characters are thinking and feeling through their actions, rather than telling them.
  • Give Irving more agency of his own. He should be able to make his own decisions, even if they are influenced by Sydney's emotional manipulation.
  • Cut down the scene to make it more impactful. Focus on the most important moments and cut out anything that is unnecessary.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. For example, Sydney could make a decision that has major consequences for both her and Irving.



Scene 14 -  Preparing the Art Museum Con with the Sheik as Bait
70 INT. ART MUSEUM - DAY 70

Richie, in sharp lapeled suit, chain on his neck, walks with
Irv and Edith and joined by a man who looks like an ARAB
SHEIK who they trail.

IRVING ROSENFELD
How do you think this works,
stupid?

SYDNEY PROSSER
If you could not call him ‘stupid’
which he’s isn’t, he’s smarter than
you. Last I checked he’s in control
here and we work for him now so be
nice.

Richie stares at Edith elated that she just stuck up for him.
He’s really enjoying this position of power she’s putting him
in.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(stares at her, upset)
OK, to set this up and bust a con
artist we have to make the honey
pot to attract the bees. In order
to attract the bees, we need to
offer them a wealthy individual who
can be taken advantage of, someone
special, someone new, someone
amazing. Then those guys will want
to sell fake bank CDS to THAT guy,
take the sheik’s money, see?

Richie looks at Irving uncertain.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Only they can’t get into his money
unless you they know someone, and
that someone is us.
40.


RICHIE DIMASO
Oh that’s good.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
So if you want to get somebody like
your con artist friend -- Carl
Elway -- you get him to want to buy-
-

IRVING ROSENFELD
Keep your voice down.

RICHIE DIMASO
-- or sell fake art or stolen art
or fake certificates of deposit, he
needs -- who does he need? -- he
needs a rich sheik guy, and there
you go -- we can pinch him!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Right, but I don’t tell Elway shit.
I wait for him to call me. The art
world is a small world -- and one
of Elway's acquaintances is
clocking us right now.

Richie starts to look around.

RICHIE DIMASO
Where?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t look.

Richie looks anyway and sees ELWAY’S ACQUAINTANCE, a man
balding, 45 clocking them from the balcony.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You have a good look?

RICHIE DIMASO
How do you know the Sheik?

IRVING ROSENFELD
This is my friend Al from Queens.

AL FROM QUEENS/SHEIK
I do aluminum siding and roofing.

Richie stares, impressed.
41.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Richie, Irv, Edith, and a man posing as an Arab Sheik enter an art museum. Irv explains their plan to con artists using the Sheik as bait, identifying a target on the balcony. Richie and Irv have conflicting opinions on approaching their target, Carl Elway, but resolve it by agreeing to wait for Elway's call. The scene ends with Irv introducing the Sheik as his friend, signaling their readiness to proceed.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of crime, drama, and comedy, keeping the audience engaged with its witty dialogue and suspenseful tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of setting up a con artist scheme involving a wealthy sheik is intriguing and well-executed, adding complexity to the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters plan their scheme and encounter obstacles, maintaining a good balance of tension and humor.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the heist genre, with characters engaging in elaborate cons and schemes. The dialogue feels authentic and sharp, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, with conflicting motivations and dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and motivations, setting the stage for further development in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Richie's internal goal in this scene is to assert his newfound position of power and authority within the group. He is enjoying the attention and validation he receives from Edith standing up for him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to set up a con to bust a con artist by creating a honey pot to attract wealthy individuals who can be taken advantage of.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, their differing agendas, and the risks involved in their scheme create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that add to the suspense and uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the con artist scheme, the risks involved, and the potential rewards add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element to the con artist scheme and escalating the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' plans and interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of conning and manipulating others for personal gain. It challenges the protagonist's values and ethics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the characters, including jealousy, ambition, and uncertainty, adding depth to their relationships.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and intentions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intricate plotting, and tension-filled interactions between characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, keeping the audience engaged and building tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heist film, with characters planning a complex con and facing obstacles along the way.


Critique
  • The dialogue is very expository and lacks subtext. The characters are simply stating their intentions and explaining the plan, which makes for a dull and uninvolving read.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't know their motivations or goals, so it's hard to care about what happens to them.
  • The scene lacks conflict. The characters are all working together towards a common goal, so there's no tension or drama.
  • The setting is not well-described. We don't know where the characters are or what the environment is like, which makes it difficult to visualize the scene.
  • The pacing is slow. The scene drags on and on, with nothing really happening. This makes it difficult to stay engaged with the story.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to the dialogue. What are the characters really thinking and feeling? What are their hidden agendas?
  • Develop the characters more. Give them clear motivations and goals. Make them relatable and interesting.
  • Add conflict to the scene. Put the characters at odds with each other. Create obstacles that they have to overcome.
  • Describe the setting in more detail. Paint a picture of the environment so that the reader can visualize the scene.
  • Tighten the pacing. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action. Keep the story moving forward.



Scene 15 -  Irving's Uneasy Business Deal with Elway while Evading FBI
INT. ART MUSEUM - NEXT ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Irving, Edith, Richie, and the fake Sheik admire a REMBRANDT
painting on the wall.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I want to show you something. This
Rembrandt here? People come from
all over the world to see this.

RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, he's good.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It’s a fake.

RICHIE DIMASO
Wait, what’re you talking about?
That's impossible.

IRVING ROSENFELD
People believe what they want to
believe. Cause the guy who made
this was so good that it’s real to
everybody. Now whose the master --
the painter or the forger?

Richie’s continues to stare at the REMBRANDT on the wall.

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s a fake?

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s the way the world works. Not
black and white as you say.
Extremely grey.

ELWAY’S ACQUAINTANCE walks up to Irving and the group and
steps into the conversation.

ELWAY’S ACQUAINTANCE
Irving can I --

IRVING ROSENFELD
How many times I gotta tell you.
You can’t meet the sheik, alright?

Edith sees this and steps into the conversation.

EDITH GREENSLY
Arthur? Hi. Edith. We’ve met
before.
42.


EDITH GREENSLY (CONT’D)
I wanted to introduce you to Robert
Spencer. We’re advising the Sheik
together.

She looks at Richie. Richie offers his hand.

RICHIE DIMASO
(catching up)
Yeah, I’m Robert Spencer, advisor
to the sheik.


70A EXT. CHELSEA HOTEL -- ESTABLISHING - DAY 70A


71 INT. OFFICE OF CARL ELWAY - SUCCESSFUL, BUT SHADY - DAY 71

CARL ELWAY, 40, preppie Waspy, very old fashioned with
cigarette holder, but something vaguely criminal about him,
in his conservative suit, natty white and red striped shirt,
and navy blue tie sits with Irving.

CARL ELWAY
What’s this I hear about a god damn
Sheik?! Why you leaving me out of
this? I gotta hear about it from my
friends?

IRVING ROSENFELD
It ain’t for you Carl.

CARL ELWAY
What do you mean it ain’t for me?
We gotta do certificates of
deposit. I can print as many as you
need.

IRVING ROSENFELD
This is not a one man operation.

CARL ELWAY
Look, I can get other guys. What
are you talking about Irving?

IRVING ROSENFELD
You’re telling me that you can get
four guys to sell fake certificates
of deposit to my investor within a
week?

The camera zooms into Irving’s shirt collar revealing a tiny
microphone.
43.


CARL ELWAY
Yes I can make that happen. Carl
Elway can do what he says he’s
going to do.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s interesting but you know
I’ve got other guys lined up. I’ve
got a meeting with my associates.

SUDDENLY CARL ELWAY’S ASSISTANT, OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS.
Richie Dimaso and Edith ARE STANDING THERE -- MUCH TO IRV’S
DISMAY.

CARL ELWAY’S ASSISTANT
Carl, his associates are here. He’s
got a meeting he’s got to go to.

CARL ELWAY
No wait. Don’t go anywhere.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ve got to go.

Irving gets up to walk out as Richie and Edith stand in the
doorway.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Crazy thing about people -- the
more you say no, the more they want
in on somethin. It is so stupid.


Irving looks over at Richie and Edith.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ll tell them, don’t worry. Hey
you know what Carl just told me? He
said he could do this whole thing
with four guys within a week.

CARL ELWAY
Or we could do somethin' much
bigger!

Richie jumps into the conversation.

RICHIE DIMASO
Something bigger? My guy deals with
hundreds of millions of dollars.
How much bigger?

He walks over to Carl.
44.


CARL ELWAY
Hundreds of million -- I knew you
were holdin' out on me Irving!
Hundreds of millions of dollars?
Like much bigger. Like I'm talking
about we say never the fuck mind
the CD's and we could have some
complete access to something huge.

RICHIE DIMASO
Huge? Like what? (introducing
himself) Robert Spencer, advisor to
the Sheik.

CARL ELWAY
Carl Elway.

Irv stares at Richie with contempt, then turns to Edith,
DRESSED TO THE NINES.

CARL ELWAY (CONT’D)
I want you to think of the most
undervalued asset in the state of
New Jersey today. The rebuilding of
Atlantic City.

Richie looks over at Irving and Sydney and mouths the word
“WOW”.

CARL ELWAY (CONT’D)
Look, maybe they, maybe they
legalized gambling a year ago but
nothing’s happening.

Irving interjects.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey, quit while you’re ahead Carl.

CARL ELWAY
I know the guy. I know the right
people who are going to help you
out.

RICHIE DIMASO
Whose the guy?

CARL ELWAY
The guy is Carmine Polito.

RICHIE DIMASO
Whose Carmine Polito?
45.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Irving Rosenfeld, a knowledgeable art aficionado, displays a fake Rembrandt painting to Richie Dimaso and Edith Greensly in an art museum, before meeting with the shady but successful businessman, Carl Elway, to discuss a business deal. However, the unexpected arrival of Richie and Edith at Elway's office puts Irving on edge. Elway then proposes a bigger deal involving the rebuilding of Atlantic City, which piques Richie's interest, leaving Irving uncertain about what to do next. The scene takes place during the day in two different locations, with a serious tone and some tension and uncertainty as Irving navigates the business deal while being cautious of the FBI agents.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing plot development
  • High level of conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' motivations may need further clarification

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and sets up a new plotline while maintaining tension and intrigue. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' motivations effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using deception and manipulation in criminal activities is well-executed in this scene. The introduction of a new scam adds depth to the storyline and raises the stakes.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of the Sheik and the potential scam involving the rebuilding of Atlantic City. The scene moves the story forward and sets up new conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the world of art forgery and deception, with authentic character interactions and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' motivations and personalities are further developed in this scene, especially with the introduction of Carl Elway and the Sheik. Their interactions add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The characters' relationships and dynamics shift in this scene, especially with the introduction of new players like Carl Elway and the Sheik.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to maintain control and authority in the situation, showcasing his knowledge and expertise in the art of deception.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to navigate the complex web of relationships and schemes involving the Sheik and potential business opportunities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions rising between the characters as they navigate through deception, manipulation, and the introduction of a new scam.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters delve deeper into criminal activities and deception, risking their reputations and freedom.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new plotline and setting up new conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of perception versus reality, with Irving challenging Richie's beliefs about authenticity and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, anxiety, and intrigue, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as in other scenes with more personal stakes.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals the characters' intentions and conflicts effectively. It adds tension and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its complex characters, sharp dialogue, and high-stakes conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format, effectively building tension and intrigue through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or objective. What are the characters trying to achieve in this scene?
  • The dialogue is clunky and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people talk.
  • The characters are one-dimensional and lack depth. They're simply there to move the plot forward.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could easily be cut by a third without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene is confusing and hard to follow. The viewer is left wondering what's going on and why.
  • The scene is predictable and boring. The viewer can guess what's going to happen next.
  • The scene is unnecessary and could be cut without affecting the story.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear goal or objective. What do the characters want to achieve?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it sound more natural. Use contractions, slang, and other informal language.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them depth and motivation.
  • Cut the scene by a third. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Make the scene more clear and easy to follow. Use visual cues and other techniques to help the viewer understand what's going on.
  • Add some surprises or unexpected events to the scene. Keep the viewer guessing.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it's not essential to the story.



Scene 16 -  Reluctant Supervisor Stoddard Thorsen Concedes to Investigating Carmine Polito
75 INT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY 75

PUSH IN: STODDARD THORSEN, Richie’s FBI supervisor.

STODDARD THORSEN
(shakes his finger ‘no’)
Carmine Polito? Carmine Polito, no.

We freeze frame on Stoddard as we HEAR Richie’S VO:

AS Richie TALKS WE SEE A SHORT FILM ABOUT Carmine Polito:

- PUSH IN: Mayor Polito walks a Camden street waves, shakes
hands of WELL-WISHERS

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
My boss Stoddard proceeded to tell
me that Carmine Polito was the most
quietly powerful person in the
state of New Jersey. A lifetime
native of the very racially mixed
Camden, which had become a ghetto,
and where he had been Mayor for ten
years. A very beloved guy. A guy
who never gave up on his people.
His father had emigrated from Italy
and had stoked coal.

- Frank Sinatras COFFEE SONG, 1940s version, as we see
Carmine talk to and dance joyfully with his kids and wife at
breakfast.


RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
A big family guy with five kids.
They even adopted some other kid.
A black kid from the Boys and Girls
Club who'd lost his family. I mean,
his household was a joyous place.
And his wife Dolly, she was the
apple of his eye and the center of
the household. I mean everyone
loved this guy.

- PULL OUT Mayor Polito walks up steps of City Hall as he
greets a women and her baby; into his office greeted by a
couple of AIDES who show him papers to sign.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
And he had a huge heart.
46.


78 INT. CAMDEN CITY HALL - W.P.A. MURAL ROOM - DAY 78

CARMINE POLITO
(giving speech)
The W.P.A. employed craftsmen to
paint this during the Depression.
Why can't we employ people today to
do work like this in rebuilding
Atlantic City?

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
He worked with all the unions. He
was the leader of the State
Assembly. And he had just gotten
gambling legalized in New Jersey to
create jobs.

80 -- FLOOR OF STATE ASSEMBLY -- Carmine huddles with other 80
STATE LEGISLATORS, horsetrading and then poses for a picture
with other members of the State Assembly.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
But he couldn’t get the funds to
rebuild Atlantic City and that was
his problem. So with our help, he
was about to have his hand in the
wrong pocket at the wrong time.
And to me that meant corrupt

81 BACK TO: 81

STODDARD THORSEN
You said grifters and con artists.
We're not going after some
politician. This is a bad idea,
Richard.

RICHIE DIMASO
Shhhh. Look, it's really simple.
All you need is to put two million
in a Chase account --

STODDARD THORSEN
What?!

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
-- under the Sheik’s name --

STODDARD THORSEN
Whose two million?!
47.


RICHIE DIMASO
Shh, just listen. Two million
dollars under the Sheik's name, in
a Chase account that we control.
Carmine calls up on the telephone --
calls the bank -- and he sees that
the Sheik is real and he has a real
account. Five days.

STODDARD THORSEN
I'm not taking two million dollars
of the taxpayers' money and putting
it anywhere for five days, I don't
care if we control it the whole
time.

Richie as he stares at Stoddard in frustration.

RICHIE DIMASO
Stoddard, let us do what we need to
do to rule out corruption and to
get rid of the payoff guys that are
ruining this country. That's my
dream. Don't smother it, please.

STODDARD THORSEN
You know Richard, I understand your
eagerness. I really do. You know
I'm from Michigan, right? Let me
tell you a story about me, and my
dad, and my brother. We used to go
ice fishing every November. Ice
Fishing. That’s what we lived for.

RICHIE DIMASO
Holy shit --

STODDARD THORSEN
Just listen to me. It's beautiful.
You have a little stove. You huddle
around, you keep each other warm.
You drop a line and you just wait.
One year my brother says, “let's go
in October." He wants to go ice
fishing in October. My dad says,
"No, the ice is too thin." My
brother says -- I love my brother
he says --
48.


RICHIE DIMASO
I understand what's happening.
You're saying your brother went out
on the ice, the ice was too thin,
he fell through the ice, he went in
the water because he was too eager,
and you're saying I'm too eager --
that's what you're saying?

STODDARD THORSEN
No, that’s not what I’m saying.

RICHIE DIMASO
What are you saying?

STODDARD THORSEN
We’ll finish the ice fishing story
another time, young man. For now,
no Carmine Polito. Go do your job.

Richie looks at him annoyed and upset.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
Stoddard shot the whole thing down.

RICHIE DIMASO
Boring.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
But Edith was a genius.

83 SEE B-ROLL OF: Edith and Richie walk back into FBI building, 83

84 down corridor; 84

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She somehow found this woman who
controlled the wire room. A woman
I’d never heard of. Way back in a
warren buried in the Bureau. This
cat lady nobody even talked to.
Edith met her in the ladies room
and became friends with her. This
lady handled all the wires and now,
she was working with us.


SMASH TO:

85 Edith and Richie enter to find BRENDA, FBI, MATRONLY, OLDER; 85
EDITH carries a basket of exotic teas;
49.


RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She was excited to be included in
an operation instead of being on
the other end of a memo. It was
beautiful.

Edith goes to hand her the PIMMS CUP and basket of teas.

EDITH GREENSLY
Brenda, hi!

BRENDA MCPHERSON
Hi!

EDITH GREENSLY
You said you liked exotic food, so
that’s from England.

BRENDA MCPHERSON
That’s from England?

EDITH GREENSLY
That’s right. And I brought you
some tea as well.

BRENDA MCPHERSON
Thank you so much! Nobody ever
tells me about these operations,
they just say, “Brenda, do the
clerical wiring work and don’t ask
questions.”

EDITH GREENSLY
You need to tell Richie about your
cats. He loves them.

BRENDA MCPHERSON
Oh my cats?!

Brenda starts pointing out pictures of all her cats tacked to
the walls amidst the wire memos and paperwork.

BRENDA MCPHERSON (CONT’D)
Well that’s Harry -- look at him
standing up, isn't that sweet? And
that's Wendy. She's a rascal. But
Barnaby, that's another story.
Barnaby plays the piano!

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s impressive.
50.


RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We got her to wire two million
dollars into an F.B.I.-controlled
account at Chase. It'd be there
for five days and if Polito called
he’d see that the Sheik was real.


86 HALLWAY OF FBI 86

Edith and Richie laugh excitedly as they walk the hallways.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
By the time Stoddard caught up to
us Edith made sure his boss was
impressed by my idea. So before he
even knew it was happening his boss
was calling to congratulate him.

PUSH IN ON CHIEF US PROSECUTOR, SPECIAL TASK FORCE, ANTHONY
AMADO IN HIS LARGE OFFICE ON THE PHONE WITH STODDARD --

ANTHONY AMADO
I'm very impressed. That was very
smart. The Sheik with the money in
the bank is a fantastic...don’t be
modest.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
Anthony Amado. He was the U.S.
Attorney, and he had a major hard-
on to make a name for himself. I
mean this guy loved the idea of
being famous. And Stoddard had to
say it was his own idea or he'd
look stupid in front of his boss.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Stoddard Thorsen, Richie DiSamo, and Edith Greensly discuss investigating potential corruption by Camden Mayor Carmine Polito. Initially reluctant, Stoddard is convinced by a short film about Polito's background and a plan to involve an FBI wire room. Despite his concerns, Stoddard's superior commends the idea, forcing him to accept the plan. The scene takes place in several locations, including the FBI office, Camden City Hall, the State Assembly, and the FBI building's hallway, and ends with Stoddard's superior praising the investigation plan.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Tension-building
  • Strategic planning
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Complexity may be challenging for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a complex scheme, keeping the audience engaged with its fast-paced dialogue and strategic maneuvers.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a fake Sheik's account to expose political corruption is innovative and adds layers of intrigue to the plot. The scene effectively introduces this concept and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters devise a plan to incriminate a powerful politician. The introduction of new elements and conflicts adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'undercover operation' trope by focusing on the protagonist's internal conflict and moral dilemma. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters demonstrate their intelligence and resourcefulness in executing the operation. Their interactions and dynamics contribute to the scene's tension and complexity.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle shifts in the characters' relationships and motivations, particularly in their approach to the operation and their alliances. These changes set the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover corruption and make a name for himself by taking down a corrupt politician. This reflects his desire for recognition, justice, and success in his career.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince his supervisor to go along with his plan to set up a sting operation on a corrupt politician. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in getting approval for his risky plan.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' goals and the risks involved in the operation creates a sense of urgency and suspense. The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing resistance from his supervisor and conflicting motivations from other characters, creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters risk exposure, legal consequences, and personal safety in their pursuit of justice and personal gain. The outcome of the operation could have far-reaching implications.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a crucial operation, establishing key relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's plan, as well as the conflicting motivations of the characters involved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's eagerness to take down corruption and his supervisor's caution and reluctance to engage in illegal activities. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about how to achieve justice and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on intrigue and suspense than emotional depth, there are moments of tension and uncertainty that evoke a sense of anticipation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and drives the scene forward. It effectively conveys the characters' motivations, conflicts, and strategies.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's mission.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and internal monologue that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, leading to a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The opening freeze frame on Stoddard Thorsen while Richie's voiceover plays is a bit jarring and interrupts the flow of the scene. Consider starting the scene with the voiceover and gradually transitioning to the visuals.
  • The short film about Carmine Polito is well-made and informative, but it feels like it could be a separate scene or a part of a larger montage. It disrupts the flow of the dialogue between Richie and Stoddard.
  • The dialogue between Richie and Stoddard is a bit repetitive, with both characters restating their positions multiple times. This could be streamlined to make the scene more concise and engaging.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of conflict or stakes. Richie is trying to persuade Stoddard to approve his plan, but there is no real sense of urgency or tension. This could be addressed by raising the stakes or introducing a more formidable obstacle for Richie to overcome.
  • The introduction of Edith Greensly and her role in securing the wire room feels abrupt and somewhat out of place. It would be helpful to provide more context and establish her character before revealing her involvement in the plan.
  • The scene abruptly transitions to a montage of Edith and Richie walking through the FBI building and interacting with Brenda McPherson, the cat lady who controls the wire room. This sequence feels disjointed and could be integrated more smoothly into the main narrative.
  • The concluding voiceover from Richie summarizing the events of the scene is redundant and unnecessary. The audience can already infer what happened from the visuals and dialogue.
  • The characterization of Carmine Polito as a beloved community figure is a bit one-dimensional. It would be more interesting to explore his character flaws or complexities to make him a more well-rounded character.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of progression or resolution. It ends with Richie and Edith having secured the wire room, but it's not clear what the next steps are or how this will lead to their ultimate goal of catching Carmine Polito.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Richie's voiceover and gradually transition to the visuals of Stoddard Thorsen shaking his finger. This will create a more immersive and engaging opening.
  • Consider breaking up the short film about Carmine Polito into smaller segments that can be interspersed throughout the scene, or using it as a separate scene to provide additional context.
  • Streamline the dialogue between Richie and Stoddard by removing unnecessary repetitions and focusing on their key arguments. This will make the scene more concise and engaging.
  • Raise the stakes for Richie by emphasizing the consequences of failure or introducing a more formidable obstacle that he must overcome. This will create a sense of urgency and make the conflict more compelling.
  • Establish Edith Greensly's character before revealing her involvement in the plan. This could be done through a brief introduction or by having Richie mention her earlier in the scene.
  • Integrate the montage of Edith and Richie interacting with Brenda McPherson more smoothly into the main narrative. This could be done by intercutting it with the dialogue between Richie and Stoddard, or by using it as a transition to the next scene.
  • Eliminate the concluding voiceover from Richie and allow the audience to infer the events of the scene from the visuals and dialogue.
  • Explore Carmine Polito's character flaws or complexities to make him a more well-rounded and interesting character.
  • Add a clear sense of progression or resolution to the scene. This could be done by showing Richie and Edith taking the next steps in their plan, or by hinting at the challenges that lie ahead.



Scene 17 -  The Betrayal and Confrontation: Richie's Risky Move
INT. STODDARD’S OFFICE --

89 PUSH IN ON STODDARD -- confused, dismayed. 89

STODDARD THORSEN
Thank you, sir, wait, the sheik --


INT. STODDARD’S OFFICE - DAY

He hangs up, pissed, confused.
51.


STODDARD THORSEN
You made me accept praise from my
boss who’s thanking me for
something that never shoulda
happened! Something that I didn't
approve!

RICHIE DIMASO
You should be happy. There's
imaginative things happening in
this office, alright? We're not
just working in a box.

Richie leaves triumphant.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We got the two million to put
Carmine and the Sheik together.

STODDARD THORSEN
Punk.


90 INT. CORRIDOR OF FBI -- DAY 90

Laughing Richie and Edith walk briskly on their way out.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
I liked being on this side of the
line. But someone had been left
out.


91 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY 91

IRVING ROSENFELD
We succeeded because we stayed
small. I got you Carl Elway. He
bought stolen art, sold fake bank
C.D.'s, that's enough. That's one.
I get you three more -- no
politicians.

Richie and Edith look at him.

RICHIE DIMASO
You're gonna do this because you
got no choice. You work for me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Now you keep changing the rules.
You're gettin' a little power
drunk, Richard.
(MORE)
52.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT'D)
You want to tell him, Edith? You
want to wake him up?

EDITH GREENSLY
Oh no, I said we shouldn't do any
of it, Irving. You know I said
that. So now I support Richie.
He's got vision. Do it heavy or
don't do it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I mean, he's the one ruining
America, not me.

RICHIE DIMASO
How the hell am I ruining America?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Because people just got over
Watergate and Vietnam, alright?
And you're gonna shit all over
politicians again? And just because
you want to be a big shot and get a
promotion.

RICHIE DIMASO
No I'm thinking big. This is gonna
be fantastic. We're doing video
surveillance. I'm doing this from
the feet up.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You will never do it properly
because you got too much government
attitude to be small and sleek.
I'm like the fuckin' Vietcong, man.
I'm in and I'm out. I was there the
whole time -- you don't know it.
That's the fucking art of becoming
somebody who people can pin their
beliefs and their dreams on. And
you can't do it.

RICHIE DIMASO
How about a suite at the Sheraton
Hotel?

IRVING ROSENFELD
For Carmine Polito and rebuilding
Atlantic City?

RICHIE DIMASO
Why not?
53.


IRVING ROSENFELD
You need a luxury hotel for the
Sheik. Come on!

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine does back door dealings all
the time. We don't have a budget
for that Irving!

IRVING ROSENFELD
You gotta knock the Mayor, the
Speaker of the State Assembly --
you gotta knock him off of his
fucking feet. He's gotta feel like
he's out of his league. What you're
offering, this deal, I mean, this
is unheard of in the state of New
Jersey, maybe even the whole
fucking country. A sheik with
hundreds of millions of dollars to
rebuild Atlantic City -- are you
fuckin' kidding me? That's
gigantic. And the Mayor, he's going
to want to see cash, he's going to
want to see it in an account, he's
going to want to see it right now,
and he will check. And that's why
this meeting isn't happening,
because to get millions, you need
millions.

Edith listens intently.

EDITH GREENSLY
(shrugs)
We already did it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(stunned)
What?

Irv studies Richie and Edith.

EDITH GREENSLY
We got the bureau to park 2 million
for three days -- we got the
account numbers.

IRVING ROSENFELD
‘We’ meaning you and him?

RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah we did it.
54.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Really?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yeah, me and that guy.

RICHIE DIMASO
She showed me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You showed him our thing? You did
that without me? Are you kidding
me?

EDITH GREENSLY
What are you going to do?


IRVING AND RICHIE LOOK AT SYDNEY, UNCERTAIN.

IRVING SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AND LEAVES. RICHIE STARES
AT SYDNEY SWINGING HER LEGS ON THE COUNTER AS SHE SITS.

RICHIE DIMASO
You playing me? Are we doing this?
Or you playing him? It'd be very
bad for you if you're playing me.

EDITH GREENSLY
You’re going to have to decide for
yourself, kid, I just laid
everything out on the table.

RICHIE DIMASO
This is all very exciting, I never
knew life could be like this.
You’re wild. You know we’re taking
down a very important politician.

Richie stands very close to Edith - between her legs as she
sits on the counter. He puts his hands on her hips, pulls
her into him. He takes her hand -- puts it on his face,
makes her feel his cheek and forehead with her hand. It is
intense. She prepares for him to kiss her but he steps back.
They are both excited. They stare at each other. The air is
thick with tension, Richie exhales and leaves.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
(prelap)
(MORE)
55.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
This is agent Richard Dimaso, I’m
placing $75,000 into this briefcase
for Mayor Carmine Polito to procure
casino license and building permits
for Atlantic City.

BACK TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Stoddard Thorsen confronts Richie DiMASO about being thanked for something he didn't approve, creating tension. Meanwhile, Richie and Edith Greensly meet with Irving Rosenfeld and Carmine Polito to discuss their plan, but Irving is skeptical about Richie's methods. In a surprising turn of events, Edith reveals that they have already secured $2 million from the FBI for the deal, without Irving's knowledge or approval. Richie gets physical with Edith, further escalating the situation. In the end, Richie leaves to set up the deal, while Irving is left looking uncertain and skeptical.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and sets up significant tension and conflict among the characters, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of manipulating politicians for personal gain is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and raising the stakes.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the introduction of a new scheme involving Mayor Carmine Polito, adding layers of complexity and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of corruption and ambition, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' conflicting motivations and power struggles create compelling dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters' relationships and dynamics shift as they navigate the complex web of deceit and manipulation, hinting at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his power and control over the situation, showcasing his ambition and desire for success.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a deal with a politician and a sheik to rebuild Atlantic City, showcasing his ambition and willingness to take risks.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving, Richie, and Edith is palpable, with each character vying for control and pursuing their own agendas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and moral objections creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of manipulating a politician and the potential consequences add urgency and suspense to the scene, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new scheme and raising the stakes for the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for power and success at any cost, and the moral objections raised by other characters about the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to defiance, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, revealing the characters' true intentions and adding to the tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral conflicts, and high stakes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and highlighting key character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The characters of Carmine, Richie, and Edith seem to accept the $2 million from the FBI too easily. It would be more realistic if there was some hesitation or concern about the implications of taking such a large sum of money.
  • The scene lacks visual interest and pacing. It could be improved by adding more variation in camera angles and shot sizes, as well as by intercutting the dialogue with other scenes or images.
  • As written, Irving's rant about ruining America comes across as overly preachy and didactic. It would be more effective if it were shorter and more focused on the specific actions that Richie and Edith are taking.
  • The character of Edith is underdeveloped. She seems to be mostly a follower of Richie, and she doesn't have much of a distinct personality or motivation of her own.
  • The dialogue is often repetitive and stilted. It would be more natural and engaging if the characters spoke in a more conversational manner.
Suggestions
  • Add more dialogue to flesh out the characters and their motivations.
  • Break up the exposition with more action or suspense.
  • Cut out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene.



Scene 18 -  Resolving Conflicts and Making Deals: Irving and Carmine at the Plaza Hotel
92 INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE - DAY 92

Where the film started --

See RICHIE TALK TO CAMERA IN A CORNER OF THE PLAZA SUITE--
CLOSE ON MONEY COUNTED INTO BRIEFCASE --

SMASH TO:

IRVING’S EYES WIDEN AS WE CUT TO: Richie SLIDE THE BRIEFCASE
OF CASH, AS SEEN BEFORE, Edith puts her hand on top of
Richie’s to stop him.

IRV’S EYES WIDEN AS IN ‘NO! DON’T DO THAT!’ WHILE HE AND
RICHIE STARE AT EACH OTHER. CARMINE LOOKS DISTURBED AT THE
CASE COMING HIS WAY. HE STANDS.


93 EXT. PLAZA HOTEL -- DAY 93

Carmine Polito, upset, storms down the street as Irving
catches up.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Mr. Mayor -- Please stop. Listen, I
apologize if that prick offended
you. I really apologize.

Carmine will not turn around -- Irving catches up.

CARMINE POLITO
Really, I'm all right, thank you.
I'm okay.

IRVING ROSENFELD
No. I'm fucking embarrassed to be
associated with that guy at all.
Can I just say somethin' to you,
please? Don't lose this opportunity
to fuckin' Florida -- all right? --
because of some bullshit from that
punk advisor with his diploma who
could never get into the school
that we come from. Don't lose that
opportunity.
56.


CARMINE POLITO
Where you from?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I'm from the Bronx. Grand
Concourse, Hundred and Sixty-fourth
Street.

THIS REACHES CARMINE. HE AND IRV ARE CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH.

CARMINE POLITO
I got a lot of friends that live up
there. I go to Tomaso’s on Arthur
Avenue. You know Tomasos’s?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, Tomaso's.

CARMINE POLITO
The spicy clams.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes. They're always good.

CARMINE POLITO
Oh, they're to fucking die for,
those clams. I haven't been there
in a while. I like that place.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Carmine -- can I call you Carmine?
You know, Carmine -- (catches his
breath) My fuckin' heart's going
from running down the stairs -- I'm
not used to running. There's a
lotta green grass in that hotel
room up there, alright? And all the
deals would float through you. You
get a serious piece on both ends.
You do with that what you will. I
live in the real world, I am a
family man, I got mouths to feed
and everything. But, you know, we
just...we gotta grease you
directly. No middlemen, no
bullshit. It's the Arab way.

CARMINE POLITO
Yeah, look, I understand. It's a
great opportunity. It's just I got
a little thrown by going to have a
meeting with somebody who ended up
not being there, so --
57.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey, listen, I was thrown as well.

CARMINE POLITO
I understand. I'll deal with you
directly. I don't want any
middleman or any of that bullshit.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Done.

CARMINE POLITO
I like you. Eye to eye. We can do
business together.

Irv smiles and nods as they walk back into the hotel
together.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
How long do you know this guy? You
work with this guy before?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I gotta work with him. He's the
Sheik’s man.

CARMINE POLITO
But I still need to meet the Sheik,
okay?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Done.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Irving Rosenfeld apologizes to Mayor Carmine Polito for Richie DiMaso's behavior and offers to facilitate a direct deal with no middlemen. Carmine agrees, and they resolve their conflict and decide to meet the sheik together in the future. The scene takes place outside the Plaza Hotel in the daytime and showcases the serious but friendly and cooperative tone of their conversation.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Slight character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and establishes the high stakes of the negotiation, while also providing insight into the characters' backgrounds and motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a direct business negotiation between two characters from similar backgrounds is engaging and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Irving and Carmine discuss a potential business deal, setting the stage for future developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on criminal negotiations and showcases authentic character interactions. The dialogue feels genuine and adds depth to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Irving and Carmine are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There is a slight character change as Carmine begins to trust Irving and considers the business opportunity presented.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to secure a successful deal and maintain his reputation in the criminal underworld. This reflects his desire for power and control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Carmine to continue with the deal and not be deterred by previous setbacks. This reflects the immediate challenge of salvaging the business opportunity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene as Irving tries to salvage the business deal and convince Carmine to trust him.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Carmine's initial reluctance and the protagonist's persuasive tactics creating conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Irving tries to salvage the business deal and convince Carmine to trust him, potentially impacting their future success.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new business opportunity and deepening the relationship between Irving and Carmine.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and unexpected turns in the negotiation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to one's roots and the allure of wealth and power. Irving's Bronx upbringing clashes with the criminal activities he is involved in, creating a moral dilemma.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with moments of tension and connection between the characters, but not overwhelmingly emotional.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is persuasive, tense, and realistic, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and intentions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest through dynamic dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-heavy negotiation scene, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of action and excitement, but the dialogue is a bit choppy and hard to follow. Try to make the dialogue more natural and easier to understand.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information. Try to cut down on the dialogue and focus on the key moments.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. Try to add some obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a hook to grab the reader's attention.
  • Use strong verbs and vivid language to create a sense of atmosphere.
  • Vary the sentence length and structure to add rhythm and flow to the dialogue.
  • Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or exposition.
  • Add conflict or obstacles to create tension and keep the reader engaged.
  • End the scene with a cliffhanger or a thought-provoking question.



Scene 19 -  Irving and Richie's Argument over Dinner Plans and Using Carmine
94 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY 94

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’m going out to dinner with
Carmine and the wives in Camden.

RICHIE DIMASO
Who?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Carmine and myself and the wives.

RICHIE DIMASO
What?! Without me?!
58.


IRVING ROSENFELD
He doesn’t like you, what do you
want from me, I got him to come
back and take the money and you got
him on tape alright? I can’t make
him like you. I did my job.

RICHIE DIMASO
Did you tell him you were working
with me? That I’m the Sheik’s
associate?!

IRVING ROSENFELD
I just fucking told you he doesn’t
like you. I mean, let him have a
night out with a human being for
fuck’s sake, he’s going to jail
soon. You’re done with him. You got
him on tape taking a bribe.

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine has got to deal with me,
Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
We're gonna use Carmine. We're
gonna use Carmine to get other
people, that's what we're gonna do.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What?! Like who?!

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine's gonna use the Sheik to
pay off people.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Are you fuckin' nuts? What are you
say--

RICHIE DIMASO
We're gonna let Carmine show the
Sheik Atlantic City, how he's gonna
renovate hotels, and see who shows
up. Whoever the Sheik pays off for
licenses and casinos, that's who
we're gonna go after. We're gonna
go after all of 'em!

IRVING ROSENFELD
More politicians? You realize how
fuckin' dangerous that is? There's
no fucking reasoning with you.
(MORE)
59.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT'D)
Edith and I were so successful for
so long because we kept it just
small enough. You are takin' us to
a very fucking dangerous place,
with very serious numbers!

RICHIE DIMASO
If your that successful, how come
you wound up in this room with me?
Taking orders from me.

EDITH GREENSLY
You're taking your wife out to
dinner? Your fucking wife? Did I
just hear you correctly?

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s the one thing you heard me
say?

EDITH GREENSLY
I just find it rather shocking
that’s all.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I get to handle two wives with one
dinner, alright? I take Rosalyn
out, she keeps her mouth shut, she
sees that my work is legitimate, I
get to keep my kid, and I get to
keep (pointing at Richie) that
fucking wife happy. Both wives
happy.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense scene, Irving Rosenfeld and Richie Di Maso argue about including Richie in Irving's dinner plans with Carmine and their wives. Irving explains that Carmine does not like Richie and that he has done his job by getting Carmine to take the money and be recorded on tape. Richie reveals his plan to use Carmine to get to other people and politicians, which Irving ultimately agrees to but expresses concern about the danger of this plan. The scene takes place in Sydney's apartment during the day and is visually marked by a heated argument between Irving and Richie. Edith Greensley expresses shock at the news that Irving is taking his wife out to dinner.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex character relationships
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of visual action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and filled with conflict, showcasing the dynamics between the characters and setting up further developments in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using Carmine to catch other corrupt individuals adds depth to the story and raises the stakes for the characters. The power struggle and conflicting agendas create tension and intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the characters' motivations and relationships are further explored. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the crime genre, with complex characters and morally ambiguous situations. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. The power dynamics and conflicting emotions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters' relationships and dynamics shift throughout the scene, revealing new layers to their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control over his relationships and alliances while navigating dangerous territory. He wants to keep his wife happy and protect his family, all while dealing with the pressures of criminal activity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to use Carmine to further their criminal activities and gain leverage over other powerful figures. They are strategizing and planning their next moves in the criminal underworld.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the scene forward. The power struggle and conflicting agendas create tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their values and beliefs. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate the dangerous world they inhabit.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the characters' actions and decisions add tension and drama to the scene. The consequences of their choices are significant.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up future conflicts and developments. It adds depth to the plot and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' next moves and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral compass and the risks they are willing to take for power and success. The conflict challenges their values and beliefs, as they navigate the dangerous world of crime and corruption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to frustration to sarcasm. The characters' conflicting emotions add depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with subtext, revealing the characters' true intentions and emotions. It drives the scene forward and adds tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense character dynamics and high stakes involved. The rapid-fire dialogue and complex relationships keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and momentum throughout. The rapid-fire dialogue and intense character interactions keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions that enhance the tension and conflict.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the action forward.


Critique
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive, with Irving Rosenfeld and Richie DiMaso repeating the same points back and forth. This could be streamlined to make the scene more concise and fast-paced.
  • The characters' motivations are not entirely clear. Irving Rosenfeld states that he wants to keep his wife happy and his kid, but it is not clear why he is so willing to go along with Richie DiMaso's plan, which is clearly dangerous.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. It is not clear what the characters are trying to achieve, and the conversation seems to meander without a clear direction.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened to make it more impactful and engaging.
  • The dialogue is somewhat unnatural and stilted. It does not flow smoothly, and the characters' speech patterns do not sound realistic.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more concise and fast-paced. Avoid repeating the same points back and forth.
  • Clarify the characters' motivations. Explain why Irving Rosenfeld is so willing to go along with Richie DiMaso's plan.
  • Give the scene a clear sense of purpose. Establish what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • Shorten the scene to make it more impactful and engaging.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.



Scene 20 -  Balancing Relationships and Family Obligations
INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sydney sits alone in her apartment, hair in curlers and
sparks a joint.


96 INT. RICHIE DIMASO’S APARTMENT - NIGHT 96

Richie sits in his bathroom, his hair in tight curlers, as he
eats a chicken wing.

RICHIE’S MOTHER (O.S.)
Richard! What are you doing? Don't
eat in the bathroom, I told you so
many times! And Diane brought
Napoleons for dessert. Come out of
the bathroom and pray!
60.


HE OPENS DOOR - REVEALS WHOLESOME LOOKING NICE QUEENS GIRL
DRESSED NEATLY AND HOLDING UP A PASTRY BOX--

RICHIE DIMASO
Oh my god, what did you do?

CUT TO:


97 RICHIE’S MOTHER, ITALIAN, HER HAIR PULLED BACK. 97

RICHIE’S MOTHER
Richard, the filter is broken in
the fish tank. It's a problem.

RICHIE DIMASO
See, your job is to do the filter,
Mom, mine is to do the gravel.
When you don't do the filter right
all the fish die. See?

RICHIE’S MOTHER
I can't get the top on that filter.

RICHIE DIMASO
I’ve gone over this a hundred times
mom --

CUT TO:

RICHIE, HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND MOTHER ALL SIT AT THE TABLE WITH
FOOD INFRONT OF THEM AS THEY START TO PRAY.

RICHIE’S MOTHER
-- and please help Richard to marry
Diane so that I may have
grandchildren and the Pope may have
more followers. And please bless
this food that we are about to eat -
-

THE TELEPHONE RINGS OFF SCREEN. RICHIE GETS UP TO GRAB IT.


RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, hello?

SMASH TO:

EDITH GREENSLY
Hi.

RICHIE DIMASO
Who’s this?
61.


EDITH GREENSLY
It’s Edith.

RICHIE’S MOTHER (O.S.)
Sit down and pray properly!


RICHIE DIMASO
Are you alright?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just alone, you
know? Irving's out with Carmine.

RICHIE DIMASO
That's right, he went out with
Carmine and his wife. You must not
feel so good about that.

RICHIE’S GIRLFRIEND (O.S.)
Richard, sit down!

EDITH GREENSLY
Wait who’s there? Who are you with?

RICHIE DIMASO
Oh, no, it's just people.

RICHIE’S GIRLFRIEND (O.S.)
People? I'm your fiancée! Richard!

EDITH GREENSLY
Oh, you've got a fiancée. You're
engaged.

RICHIE DIMASO
Well, I don't know, no fiancée. I
don’t know.

EDITH GREENSLY
You don’t know if you have a
fiancée?

RICHIE DIMASO
I don't know --

EDITH GREENSLY
You don't know? You don't know if
you have a fiancée?

RICHIE’S MOTHER (O.S.)
The fish filter is broken!
62.


RICHIE DIMASO
I don’t. No.

EDITH GREENSLY
Hmm -- intersting.

RICHIE DIMASO
Hey, you want to get together?

RICHIE’S MOTHER (O.S.)
Richard, do something about the
fish tank.

EDITH GREENSLY
Fifty-fourth Street?

RICHIE DIMASO
OK, fifty-fourth street.

EDITH GREENSLY
OK.

SMASH TO:


RICHIE WALKS OVER TO HIS MOTHER, SITS DOWN IN FRONT OF HER.
ELLA FITZGERALD’S “IT’S DE-LOVELY” PLAYS.

RICHIE DIMASO
That's what that phone call's
about. Everybody thought, "Oh,
Richie DiMaso's gonna stay in the
office, pushing papers." That's
not gonna happen, Mom. I'm outside
in the field. I got people working
for me. My ideas. I'm running the
show. I'm the quarterback. And I'm
not gonna settle for no one, Mom.

RICHIE KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK AND EXITS.

SMASH TO:

98 Ext. BARON’S ITALIAN RESTAURANT- CAMDEN- NIGHT 98

ELLA CARRIES OVER AS --

SLOW MOTION: Carmine and DOLLY POLITO (big frosted hair) get
out of his maroon Lincoln Town car.

Irv and Rosalyn Rosenfeld get out of his green Cadillac. SOME
LOCALS SHOUT TO THE MAYOR.

CUT TO:
63.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this chaotic and tense scene, Richie tries to balance his relationships with multiple women while dealing with his mother's complaints about a broken filter in the fish tank. The scene takes place in both Sydney and Richie's apartments at night and includes key dialogue between Richie and his mother, as well as Richie and his girlfriend. The scene ends with Richie sitting down to pray with his family, but then walking over to his mother and telling her that he's not going to settle for anyone before exiting the apartment.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Blend of humor and drama
  • Insight into personal lives of characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of explicit external conflict
  • Limited focus on criminal activities

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, drama, and character development, providing insight into the characters' personal lives while advancing the overall plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the characters' personal lives and relationships in the midst of a criminal scheme adds depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as we see the characters interacting outside of their criminal activities, setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its portrayal of family relationships and the protagonist's internal struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a fresh perspective to familiar themes of ambition and family obligations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the story and setting up potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints of character growth and change, particularly in Richie's interactions with his mother and Edith.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and ambition to his mother. It reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition of his success.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to handle the phone call with Edith and make plans to meet up. It reflects the immediate circumstances of his personal relationships and social interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of conflict, the main focus is on character interactions and personal dynamics rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between the protagonist and his mother, girlfriend, and Edith adding layers of tension and uncertainty to the interactions.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the personal relationships and dynamics explored have implications for the larger criminal plot.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up future conflicts and developments, particularly in Richie's relationships with Edith and his mother.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected phone call with Edith and the protagonist's ambiguous response to his fiancée. It adds tension and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between fulfilling his own desires and meeting his mother's expectations. This challenges his beliefs about independence and family obligations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to tension, as we see the characters navigate personal relationships and conflicts.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, blending humor and drama effectively to reveal character dynamics and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intimate family dynamics, emotional conflicts, and naturalistic dialogue that draw the audience into the characters' lives and relationships.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats that maintain the audience's interest and drive the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. It enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's difficult to understand what the characters are trying to achieve or what conflict is being developed.
  • The dialogue is mostly bland and expository, lacking the emotional depth and subtext that would make it engaging.
  • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear. They come across as one-dimensional and stereotypical.
  • The scene relies heavily on clichés and familiar tropes, which makes it feel predictable and unoriginal.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags on, making it difficult for the reader to stay engaged.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear goal or conflict that the characters are trying to achieve or resolve.
  • Develop the characters more deeply by giving them clear motivations, flaws, and desires.
  • Use more active and engaging dialogue to create tension and reveal character dynamics.
  • Introduce unexpected twists or surprises to keep the reader guessing.
  • Consider using visual elements or sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging experience.



Scene 21 -  A Drunken Evening at Baron’s Italian Restaurant: The Topcoat and the Business Talk
99 INT. TABLE AT BARON’S ITALIAN RESTAURANT - CAMDEN - NIGHT 99

Ella continues. Mixture of LOCALS: ITALIANS, POLISH, BLACKS
AND PUERTO RICANS -- wave to the mayor from the bar, and
tables, as Irv and Rosalyn follow.

100 THEY SIT AT BOOTH -- 100

CARMINE POLITO
Rocco, you know like we do. The
chicken very thin. You should see
the way he does this chicken with
the red sauce

DOLLY POLITO
It’s beautiful.

CARMINE POLITO
Right? With the red sauce, the
lemon--

Dolly kisses Carmine as he gives his wife’s leg a squeeze and
kisses her cheek, then her mouth.

Irv and Rosalyn squeeze hands on the table. SHE KNOCKS BACK A
GLASS OF RED WINE as a plate of Chicken Picatta is served to
the table.

DOLLY POLITO
It’s the Piccata of the gods!

She pulls away awkwardly, waiter refills her glass which she
throws back right away. Irv looks concerned.

They all drink.

101 CUT TO - LATER: Carmine and Irving talk. 101

IRVING ROSENFELD
I believe that you should treat
people the way that you want to be
treated.

CARMINE POLITO
Right.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Didn't Jesus say that or something?

CARMINE POLITO
He may have.
64.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Also, always take a favor over
money. I think Jesus said that as
well.

CARMINE POLITO
(laughing)
I don't know if he said the second
one but he may have said the first
one.

CUT TO -- Rosalyn DRUNKENLY LEANS IN TALKING TO Dolly POLITO

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(shows her nails)
I chip them moving furniture, it’s
my obsession -- Moving, re-
decorating, it makes me feel better
like exercise. There’s this top
coat that you can only get from
Switzerland and I don’t know what
I’m going to do because I’m running
out of it but I LOVE the smell of
it.

DOLLY POLITO
I can get that for you, of course.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
There’s something, the topcoat,
(sniffs nails) it's like perfumey
but there's also something rotten?
I know that sounds crazy, but I
can't get enough of it.

Dolly laughs.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
No, smell it. It's true. Dolly,
historically the best perfumes in
the world, they're all laced with
something nasty and foul. It’s
true!

She puts it under Irv’s nose as he talks to Carmine, he
sniffs, closes his eyes, nods without even looking.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Irving loves them. He can’t get
enough of them.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t get enough.
65.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(hand out to Carmine)
Carmine, sweet and sour. Rotten and
delicious.

She leans across the table and puts them under Carmine’s
nose.

CARMINE POLITO
Smells like flowers.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Flowers, but with garbage.

CARMINE POLITO
You know what that is for me? It's
coriander for me.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving loves it. He can’t get
enough. That’s what hooks you. He
always comes back for it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t stop.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(confidentially to Dolly)
He’s gonna say we have to talk
business in five, four, three, two,
one --

IRVING ROSENFELD
(to girls)
Dolly, can me and the mayor talk
business here?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(falling off her seat)
AHH-HA-HAHAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Carmine and Dolly rush to grab Rosalyn; JULIUS, Carmine’s
steadfast AIDE, BLACK, 40, BIG SIDEBURNS, LOOSENED TIE and
white shirtsleeves, BIG SMILE, helps.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
No, don’t do that it makes me look
more drunk than I am! I’m not this
drunk. Irving please don’t make me
go, I was just starting to have
fun!

She WOBBLES INTO ARMS OF his WIFE Dolly, she and Carmine help
guide Rosalyn out.
66.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Comedy"]

Summary Ella, the mayor, and his wife Rosalyn join Carmine and Dolly Polito for dinner at Baron’s Italian Restaurant. While enjoying Chicken Picatta and red wine, Irv and Carmine discuss their philosophy of treating people well and taking favors over money. However, the lively atmosphere takes a humorous turn when Rosalyn gets drunk and starts talking about her love for a topcoat that smells like perfume and something rotten. Despite Irv's desire to discuss business, the scene ends with Carmine and Dolly helping Rosalyn out of the restaurant as she wobbles and almost falls off her seat.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, drama, and character development, creating an engaging and entertaining moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing the characters' personal lives and dynamics over dinner is well-executed, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't significantly advance in this scene, it provides important character development and sets the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on social dynamics and personal relationships, with characters who defy stereotypes and reveal unexpected depths. The authenticity of the dialogue and character interactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the understanding of the characters and their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control, despite the chaos and unpredictability around them. This reflects their deeper need for stability and the fear of losing control over their life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate a social gathering and business meeting without any major disruptions or conflicts. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal and professional relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on character dynamics and personal revelations.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with characters facing internal conflicts and social challenges that add complexity to their interactions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal interactions and dynamics.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward but provides important character development and sets the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting emotions and hidden agendas, which create a sense of suspense and intrigue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of appearances versus reality, as characters present themselves in a certain way while their true emotions and intentions are revealed through their actions and dialogue. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authenticity and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to nostalgia, creating a memorable and engaging moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the witty dialogue, and the underlying tension that keeps the audience guessing about the characters' true intentions. The mix of humor and drama adds to the scene's appeal.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with lighter interactions, creating a dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue flows naturally and builds momentum towards the climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling. The dialogue is well-paced and adds depth to the characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and intrigue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with everyone sitting at a booth in Baron's Italian Restaurant in Camden, New Jersey.
  • The characters are eating and drinking, and Irv and Rosalyn are holding hands on the table.
  • The conversation turns to Rosalyn's obsession with moving and redecorating, and she shows Dolly Polito her nails.
  • Rosalyn claims that the topcoat she uses smells like perfume and something rotten, and she puts it under Carmine's nose.
  • Carmine sniffs it and says it smells like flowers, which Rosalyn finds amusing.
  • Rosalyn then puts the topcoat under Irv's nose, and he says he can't get enough of it.
  • Rosalyn tells Dolly that Irv always comes back for the topcoat, and he says he can't stop.
  • Rosalyn then falls off her seat, and Carmine and Dolly rush to help her.
  • Rosalyn protests that she's not as drunk as she looks, and she asks Irving not to make her go.
  • Irving tells Dolly that he and the mayor need to talk business, and Rosalyn wobbles into the arms of Dolly.
  • Carmine and Dolly help guide Rosalyn out.
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, and the dialogue is natural and believable.
  • However, the scene could be improved by adding more visual details.
  • For example, the author could describe the food that the characters are eating, the clothes that they are wearing, and the setting of the restaurant.
  • Additionally, the author could add more action to the scene.
  • For example, the author could have Rosalyn spill her drink on Irv, or she could have Carmine and Dolly dance together.
  • These additions would help to make the scene more visually interesting and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Add more visual details to the scene.
  • For example, describe the food that the characters are eating, the clothes that they are wearing, and the setting of the restaurant.
  • Add more action to the scene.
  • For example, have Rosalyn spill her drink on Irv, or have Carmine and Dolly dance together.



Scene 22 -  A Night of Dancing and Intimacy: Richie and Edith's Disco Encounter
102 EXT. WEST 54TH STREET - NIGHT 102

Todd Rundgren’s “I Saw the Light” plays somewhere. Edith
dressed in tight Halston dress, hair flows huge all round
her; walks with Richie, who is waiting in a white gray suit
with a white disco collar outside the lapel, chains around
his neck.

EDITH GREENSLY
Didn’t your fiance want to come out
tonight?

RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, no, I don’t know.

EDITH GREENSLY
I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk
about it. I was just teasing you.

RICHIE DIMASO
Do you ever think, how did I end up
here? How did my life become this?
You ever think that? And you
wonder, am I ever gonna get to a
better place or is this it? You
ever feel like that?

Edith stares, nods yes.

EDITH GREENSLY
I do. I definitely know that.

Edith nods puts a hand on his face.

EDITH GREENSLY (CONT’D)
I’m sorry we don’t have to go
dancing. We can go have coffee or
talk or something.

RICHIE DIMASO
No, I need this. Please, I need to
go dancing with you.

Richie reaches down and squeezes her hand.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Please.

103 Edith smiles. 103

EDITH GREENSLY
OK baby, let’s go dancing.

INT. DISCO - NIGHT
67.


Richie and Edith DANCE AND DANCE AND SWEAT to Donna Summer’s
“I Feel Love” -- dance -- riding a high.

Edith EXCUSES HERSELF to go to bathroom -- breaks away
through crowd -- leaves Richie on dance floor -- then
SUDDENLY BREAKS AWAY -- RUSHES THROUGH THE CROWD --


104 GETS TO THE LADIES ROOM JUST AS SYDNEY DOES -- HE PUSHES HER 104
FROM BEHIND INTO A STALL -- SHE PUTS HER HANDS ON THE TOP OF
THE STALL WALL AS RICHIE RUNS HIS HANDS UP HER LEGS FROM HER
ANKLES AND UNDER HER DRESS - SHE LEANS HER ASS BACK INTO IT
ARCHES HER BACK --

SUDDENLY RICHIE STOPS, throws himself back against the other
stall wall, out of breath. Edith LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER --

RICHIE DIMASO
I really fucking like you.

EDITH GREENSLY
I like you too. I want to live,
alright. For real. No more fake
shit. Alright?

She get’s real close to his face, almost about to kiss.

EDITH GREENSLY (CONT’D)
We’re going to wait until we decide
to go for love Richie. For real.
That’s when we fuck. Not till then,
ok?

RICHIE DIMASO
OK.

GIRL OUTSIDE STALL (O.S.)
Are you gonna fuck for real or get
out of the stall for real?

EDITH GREENSLY
No more fake shit.

RICHIE DIMASO
No more fake shit.

EDITH GREENSLY
No more fake shit!

GIRL OUTSIDE STALL
Fuck me I gotta piss!

The girl outside the stall bangs on the door.
68.


She holds his mouth in one hand and leans in and kisses him -
they get lost --

EDITH GREENSLY
Get out!

SHE SHOVES HIM OUT OF THE STALL, LOCKS IT.

RICHIE DIMASO
(outside stall)
I want to be fucking real!

RICHIE LAUGHS MANICALLY EXCITED AS HE STANDS AMID MANY WOMEN
WHO SHOVE HIM OUT THE DOOR. IN THE STALL SYD SITS
EXHILARANTLY AND THROWS HER HEAD BACK LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY -
GIDDY.

EDITH GREENSLY
AHHHHHHH!

SMASH TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Set in the bustling streets of New York City and a crowded disco, this scene follows Richie DiMaso and Edith Greensly as they discuss their lives and decide to go dancing. After sharing a playful and flirtatious dance to Donna Summer's 'I Feel Love', Richie follows Edith into the bathroom, where they almost have an intimate moment. However, Edith expresses her desire to wait until they are in love, creating a small conflict that is quickly resolved as they share a kiss and express their feelings for each other. The scene ends with Richie leaving the bathroom, excited and laughing, while Edith sits in the stall, exhilarated and throwing her head back laughing.
Strengths
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and vulnerability of the characters, creating a sense of intimacy and anticipation for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' inner thoughts and desires through a night of dancing and intimate moments is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the focus on character dynamics and relationships adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of authenticity and connection, presenting a unique and intense interaction between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and captures the characters' emotions effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are portrayed with authenticity, drawing the audience into their personal struggles and desires.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience moments of vulnerability and self-reflection, hinting at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to break free from the constraints of his current life and find a sense of authenticity and connection with Edith. He expresses a desire for a better place and a more genuine existence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to have a fun night out dancing with Edith and escape from the pressures of his everyday life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is underlying tension and emotional conflict in the scene, it is more focused on character dynamics and relationships than external conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the characters' actions and interactions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are more personal and emotional in this scene, focusing on the characters' desires and vulnerabilities rather than external threats.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it deepens the emotional complexity of the characters and sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' unexpected actions and the shifting dynamics between them, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between living authentically and succumbing to societal expectations or superficiality. Edith and Richie grapple with the idea of being true to themselves and their desires.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and creates a sense of intimacy and connection with the characters, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intimate and revealing, capturing the emotional nuances of the characters' interactions and building tension and anticipation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional moments, dynamic character interactions, and the sense of unpredictability in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment that resonates with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and emotional release, effectively conveying the characters' internal struggles and desires.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Richie and Edith is too repetitive and lacks depth. They both express their desire to live for real and no more fake shit, but it's not clear what this means or what they're going to do differently.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Edith shoving Richie out of the bathroom stall and laughing hysterically. It's unclear what this means for their relationship or what will happen next.
  • The scene is too long and could be cut down without losing any important information. The repetitive dialogue and lack of action make it drag on.
  • The scene is unrealistic. It's hard to believe that Richie and Edith would be able to have such a passionate and intimate conversation in a public bathroom, especially with other people waiting to use the stall.
  • The scene is confusing. It's not clear what Richie and Edith's relationship is, or what they want from each other. The scene also doesn't provide any context for why they're in the bathroom in the first place.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Richie and Edith to make it more specific and meaningful. What do they each want from the other? What are their hopes and dreams? What are their fears?
  • Add more action to the scene. Have Richie and Edith do something other than talk, such as dance or kiss. This will help to create a more dynamic and engaging scene.
  • Cut down the scene to make it more concise. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action. This will help to keep the scene moving and prevent it from dragging on.
  • Make the scene more believable. Choose a more realistic setting and have Richie and Edith behave in a more natural way.
  • Provide more context for the scene. Explain why Richie and Edith are in the bathroom in the first place, and what their relationship is to each other.



Scene 23 -  Scenes of Friendship and Negotiation: Carmine and Irving's Heartfelt Moment and Richie's Jet Pursuit
105 INT. BARON’S BACK ROOM - CAMDEN SOCIAL CLUB - NIGHT 105

Irv and Carmine JOYOUSLY SING Tom Jones’ "Delilah" WITH a
RAUNCHOUSLY HAPPY GROUP OF locals.

SMASH TO:


INT. BARON’S BACK ROOM- CAMDEN SOCIAL CLUB - NIGHT - LATER

Carmine puts down glass of bourbon as he addresses everyone
emotionally as he looks at Irving.

CARMINE POLITO
(to Julius)
This guy right here, Irving
Rosenfeld? You know what he's gonna
do? He's gonna bring the Sheik to
Atlantic City, where we can rebuild
all those resorts there, put
everybody back to work.

Irving stares and is moved by this. Tears come to his eyes,
he feels bad about it all suddenly.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
He's gonna get this community --
he's gonna get this state -- back
on its feet where it belongs. Isn't
that right?
(MORE)
69.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
He's gonna grow our tax base and
create thousands and thousands of
jobs for everyone. You understand
that? You know what that means?

JULIUS
To Irving.

GIRLS
To Irving!

Carmine sits down on the couch next to Irving.

CARMINE POLITO
This guy right here. He’s got a big
heart.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(quietly)
I'd just hate it if it didn't work
out.

CARMINE POLITO
What do you mean? Of course it’s
going to work out. Guys like you
and me? We dream and we build. We
never give up. We never quit.

SMASH TO:


106 EGGS, PANCAKES, AND BACON COOK ON A DINER GRIDDLE. 106


107 QUIET -- INT. DINER - MORNING 107

Irv and Carmine eat breakfast.

CARMINE POLITO
Can I ask you a question.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Sure.

CARMINE POLITO
Is the sheik black?

Irving looks flummoxed.

IRVING ROSENFELD
He’s an Arab.

They look at each other.
70.


CARMINE POLITO
That’s black, isn’t it?

Irv isn’t sure what to say.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Why you asking?

CARMINE POLITO
Maybe it's a dumb question, but I
was just wondering -- I would like
to arrange for the Sheik to see
Camden. To see the people of
Camden. The people I serve. The
people I love. Who are mostly black
and Puerto Rican. I really want him
to see how good this is going to be
for the community, how ready we are
for this opportunity, and he can
see how far his dollar will go.
You know what I mean? What do you
think?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah we can do that. He can see
Camden.

CARMINE POLITO
(relieved)
Hey, I got something I wanna give
to you.

IRVING ROSENFELD
For me?

CARMINE POLITO
I got you a gift. Let’s get out of
here. The girls are going to kill
us I’m sure.

CUT TO:


108 EXT. DINER PARKING LOT - MORNING 108

They walk in the morning sun to Carmine’s Lincoln where he
opens the trunk and they stare at what is inside.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What is it?
71.


CARMINE POLITO
It’s a microwave. It heats up
everything. Pasta, lasagna,
meatballs, whatever.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Really?

CARMINE POLITO
It's science, yeah. That's how it
heats up the food. It's scientific.

IRVING ROSENFELD
And you specifically bought this
science oven for me.

CARMINE POLITO
(Carmine stares
meaningfully at Irv)
Yes. A new friend.

Irv is touched. He sees it is a sincere gift from Carmine,
because Carmine likes him; not cynical in any way.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Thank you.

CARMINE POLITO
Don’t put metal in it. Come on,
let’s get out of here.

SMASH TO:


EXT. FBI BUILDING - DAY

RICHIE DIMASO (O.S.)
I need a jet at Teeterboro.


109 INT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY - DAY 109



RICHIE DIMASO
I need a jet at Teeterboro for the
sheik.

STODDARD THORSEN
You don’t need a jet. Let him walk
to the curb at JFK.
72.


RICHIE DIMASO
Stoddard, that’s not how it works.
You got to do it from the feet up.

STODDARD THORSEN
That doesn’t mean anything. What’s
that mean?

RICHIE DIMASO
It means you gotta be committed!
It means you gotta be committed to
something in your life, for
Christ's sake. I want a jet at
Teterboro for the Sheik. It can be
a small jet. It doesn't even have
to take off, cause I know you're so
worried about how much money the
Bureau's gonna fucking spend. It
can take off and land on the
tarmac, okay?

STODDARD THORSEN
Alright, you can have a jet for an
hour, but it takes off and lands at
Teterboro.

RICHIE DIMASO
I got the jet?

STODDARD THORSEN
You got the jet.

RICHIE DIMASO
110 Thank you. 110

Richie goes to walk out of Stoddard’s office but stops at the
door.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
So tell me the rest of the ice
fishing story.

STODDARD THORSEN
Where was I?

RICHIE DIMASO
Your father woke you up, it was a
blizzard, it was Lake Canoga. Come
on!
73.


STODDARD THORSEN
Okay, well, my brother and I were
on the ice and my father came out
of the house and I could see him
coming. He was holding a lantern,
and it was in the blizzard and I
knew he was gonna be angry. So I
went to intercept my father because
I knew if he saw what my brother
was doing he was going to kill him.

Richie cuts him off.

RICHIE DIMASO
So you tried to protect your
brother, but you couldn't and
that's why you feel bad, because
you're trying to protect me and
you're worried about me. Is that
what the story's about? About
protection?

STODDARD THORSEN
No, it’s not about protection.

RICHIE DIMASO
It’s not about protection?

STODDARD THORSEN
No.

RICHIE DIMASO
Alright, fine.

Richie walks out the door.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Carmine Polito and Irving Rosenfeld share a touching moment of appreciation and friendship over breakfast, with Carmine giving Irving a microwave as a gift. Meanwhile, Richie Dimaso negotiates with Stoddard Thorsen for a jet for the Sheik, creating some tension. The scene takes place in various locations including a baron's back room, a diner, and an FBI office during the day. Key dialogue includes Carmine praising Irving for his plans to bring the Sheik to Atlantic City and create jobs, Richie negotiating for a jet for the Sheik, and Richie trying to understand Stoddard's personal story. The visual element of Carmine giving Irving a microwave is significant in showing their growing friendship. The scene ends with Richie asking Stoddard about his personal story before leaving the office.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Building relationships
  • Setting up future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters, advances the plot by solidifying alliances, and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of building trust and friendship in the midst of a criminal scheme is intriguing and adds depth to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Irving and Carmine discuss their plans and solidify their partnership, setting the stage for future developments and conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of ambition and community, with nuanced character dynamics and realistic dialogue that add authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Carmine are well-developed, with layers of complexity, emotions, and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 7

Both Irving and Carmine show signs of growth and change as they bond and make plans together, hinting at potential character arcs in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel validated and appreciated for his efforts to bring the Sheik to Atlantic City and help the community. This reflects his deeper need for recognition and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince others, particularly Carmine, of the potential benefits of bringing the Sheik to Atlantic City. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of gaining support and approval for his plan.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of potential conflicts and tensions, the scene primarily focuses on building relationships and alliances, leading to a lower conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and decisions, creating tension and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the decisions made by Irving and Carmine have implications for their future endeavors, adding a layer of tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by solidifying alliances, introducing new plans, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions, keeping the narrative momentum going.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected emotional revelations that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in dreaming and building versus his fear of failure and disappointment. Carmine's optimism and encouragement challenge Irving's doubts and insecurities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from joy and hope to nostalgia and sincerity, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and intentions effectively, though some moments could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and compelling dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed dialogue and character interactions that maintain the audience's interest and investment in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent and engaging structure, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and captures the characters' emotions well. However, it could be improved by adding more conflict.
  • The dialogue is well-written and believable. However, it could be improved by making it more concise.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow. It could be improved by cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict to the scene. This could be done by having the characters disagree with each other more, or by having them face a difficult challenge.
  • Make the dialogue more concise. This could be done by cutting out any unnecessary words or phrases.
  • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue. This could be done by focusing on the most important parts of the conversation.



Scene 24 -  The Dangerous Microwave: A Spark in the Rosenfeld Marriage
111 INT. ROSALYN’S KITCHEN - DAY 111

Ros talks to herself carrying tin foil covered tray of
lasagna.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(to herself)
“Don’t put metal in the science
oven, don’t put metal in the
science oven, Rosalyn”...always
treats me like a fucking child.
I'll do whatever I want.

She puts the tin foil lasagna into microwave. After a few
moments it sparks, explodes into flames. DANNY RUNS IN.
74.


DANNY
(runs in)
Another fire!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(grabbing a fire
extinguisher)
No, Danny, not that one! That one's
empty! We gotta use the big one!

SMASH TO:

IRVING ROSENFELD
I told you not to put metal in the
science oven. Why did you do that
for?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Don't make such a big deal. Just
get another one.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I don't want another one. I want
the one that Carmine gave me.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
“I want the one Carmine gave me!”
Carmine, Carmine, why don’t you
just marry Carmine, get a little
gold microwave and put it on a
chain around your neck. You want to
be more like Carmine? Why don't you
build something like he does,
instead of all your empty deals
that are just like your fucking
science oven. You know I read that
it takes all of the nutrition out
of our food. It's empty, just like
your deals. Empty, empty!


IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s bullshit.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
It's not bullshit. I read it in an
article. Look, by Paul Brodeur.
75.


SHE HANDS HIM THE MAGAZINE.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Bring something into this house
that's gonna take all the nutrition
out of our food and then light our
house on fire? Thank God for me.

Ros stares defiantly, clicks her nails on the counter. PRE-
LAP JET ROAR, IRVING STARES AT ROS and BURNED OVEN and looks
at the magazine article.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Rosalyn Rosenfeld carelessly reheats lasagna in a microwave, causing a fire. Husband Irving Rosenfeld scolds her, leading to a heated argument about the microwave and Irving's deals. Rosalyn defends herself, comparing Irving's deals to the malfunctioning microwave. The scene ends with Irving looking at an article Rosalyn gave him, highlighting the dangers of microwaves, indicating a potential shift in his perspective.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, comedy, and emotional elements to create a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, focusing on a mundane household incident escalating into a significant argument, is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the argument between Rosalyn and Irving reveals more about their characters and relationship dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and original take on domestic dysfunction, with unique character dynamics and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Rosalyn and Irving are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and impactful.

Character Changes: 7

Both Rosalyn and Irving undergo some emotional changes during the argument, revealing more about their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Rosalyn's internal goal is to assert her independence and autonomy in the face of perceived condescension and control from her husband and others.

External Goal: 7

Rosalyn's external goal is to deal with the immediate crisis of a fire caused by her negligence in using the microwave.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Rosalyn and Irving is intense and adds depth to their characters and the overall story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and desires driving the characters' actions and dialogue.

High Stakes: 6

While the argument is intense, the stakes are more personal and emotional rather than high-risk or life-threatening.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters and their relationships, which contributes to the overall development of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, but the unpredictable nature of the characters' actions adds a layer of tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around Rosalyn's desire for independence and autonomy conflicting with Irving's desire for control and adherence to rules.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, as the audience can feel the tension, frustration, and underlying emotions of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and reveals a lot about the characters' personalities and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, dramatic tension, and dark humor that keeps the audience invested in the characters' conflicts.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic drama, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The main character, Irving, comes across as passive and not in control of his own home or life, which could be frustrating to readers.
  • The dialogue between Irving and Rosalyn is repetitive and does not advance the plot or character development.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or purpose, making it feel like a filler.
  • The use of microwave oven as a metaphor for Irving's deals is heavy-handed and not particularly effective.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader with no clear sense of what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Give Irving a more active role in the scene, such as by having him confront Rosalyn about her behavior or take steps to improve his situation.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Irving and Rosalyn to be more concise and focused, and to reveal more about their relationship.
  • Add a clear goal or purpose to the scene, such as having Irving try to convince Rosalyn to support his business deals.
  • Explore the metaphor of the microwave oven more subtly, perhaps by having Irving reflect on the ways in which his deals have damaged his relationship with Rosalyn.
  • Add a more satisfying ending to the scene, such as having Irving and Rosalyn reach a resolution or having Irving take some kind of action to improve his situation.



Scene 25 -  Irving's Frustration on the Tarmac
112 EXT. TEETERBORO AIRPORT TARMAC, NEW JERSEY - DAY 112

JET ROAR LANDING. A small airport. Irv stands alone, staring
at Edith and Richie kissing. Richie, in long full length
fleece lined suede coat, walks over towards where Carmine
stands.

CUT TO:


113 IRV AND SYDNEY WALKING ACROSS TARMAC. 113

IRVING ROSENFELD
I don't think you should come to
Carmine's party tonight. You look
beautiful by the way.

EDITH GREENSLY
Don't look at me. Don't look at my
legs, don't look at my hair, don't
smell my hair, don't ask me how I
am, don't talk to me outside of
these roles, 'cause we're done.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What are you doing? Get under the
umbrella. It's just that Carmine
wants Rosalyn to come.

EDITH GREENSLY
I don't care. You weren't
listening. I don't care if Rosalyn
comes. Just do your job, okay?
You're nothing to me until you're
everything. I'm not Rosalyn. I'm
not gonna put up with that shit.

THEY ARRIVE AT Richie as the JET arrives on the tarmac.

RICHIE DIMASO
Now that’s a fucking jet right?
76.


IRVING ROSENFELD
It's good.

RICHIE DIMASO
That's the kinda moves you need to
make.

They walk towards the Jet and walk on leaving Carmine and
Edith waiting outside.


INT. PRIVATE JET - CONTINUOUS

Irv and Richie step aboard to find FBI AGENT PACO HERNANDEZ
putting on a regal looking white Arab keffyeh headdress and
robe -- he looks noble. TWO AGENTS posing as body guards.

RICHIE DIMASO
Paco, Richie Dimaso, good to meet
you in person [shakes Paco’s hand] -
this is Irving Rosenfeld.

Irv nods to Paco and the other agents.

PACO HERNANDEZ
Paco Hernandez. Nice to meet you.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Paco? He's--wait, he's not a real
Arab.

PACO HERNANDEZ
No. I’m Mexican. From Tuscon.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Wait, where's my guy? Where's Al
from Queens?

RICHIE DIMASO
Who?

IRVING ROSENFELD
My friend from Queens. Where is he?
What are you doing?

RICHIE DIMASO
I gotta hire an F.B.I. guy.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What are you-- (to Paco) You speak
any Arabic?

PACO HERNANDEZ
Yeah. Abdullah Ahmed.
77.


IRVING ROSENFELD
That's it? That’s all you got?

PACO HERNANDEZ
No, I have a couple phrases.

Irving isn’t sure, looks Paco up and down.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(to Richie) From the feet up, you
motherfucker. What are you doing?
(to Paco) Act normal. That's it.
Like you can barely understand
English. You can't speak it. You
say as little as possible. You
follow my lead. Alright?

PACO HERNANDEZ
(to Richie) Who's running this? I
thought you were running it.

RICHIE DIMASO
I am running this but you’ve gotta
listen to him. He's the guy with
the vision.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ve got the vision? You know what
vision I had? You just kissing my
girl outside. That’s what vision I
had.

RICHIE DIMASO
(stares at Irving)
I thought you guys broke up. I'm
giving you a compliment.

PACO HERNANDEZ
What’s going on?

RICHIE DIMASO
Don’t worry about it.

Irving takes a expensive looking ceremonial knife out of his
jacket pocket and holds it out to Paco.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You got a knife. This is for the
Mayor. You’ve got to present it to
him. Look me in the eye. This means
a lot to you. Right? That knife.

PACO HERNANDEZ
OK.
78.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Play it. You present it.
"Friendship for life," alright?
You gotta feel it. Sacred. Can you
do it?

PACO HERNANDEZ
Right. Sacred.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You gotta sell it.

RICHIE DIMASO
Sell it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
If you believe it’s sacred, it’s
sacred.

RICHIE DIMASO
Listen to what he’s saying.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Can you do it?

RICHIE DIMASO
It's the details. That's what
makes this guy a genius.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Again? You compliment me again.
What is this, rubbing salt in the
wound?

Irving stares incredulously.

RICHIE DIMASO
I'm complimenting you. (to Paco)
Any other questions?

PACO HERNANDEZ
Yeah, I think the name of this
operation is offensive.

RICHIE DIMASO
What?

PACO HERNANDEZ
Abscam. "Arab Scam?" It's racist.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Are you fucking kidding? What do
you care? You're Mexican.
79.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Irv and Sydney arrive at Teeterboro Airport where Irv tells Sydney he doesn't think she should come to Carmine's party. Richie and Irv then board a private jet to meet FBI Agent Paco Hernandez, who is posing as an Arab sheikh. Irving is upset to find that his friend Al from Queens is not there and has been replaced by Paco. The scene is tense and confrontational, particularly between Irving and Sydney and Irving and Richie. The scene ends with Irving instructing Paco on how to present a ceremonial knife to the Mayor.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension and conflict
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Cultural insensitivity
  • Lack of preparation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and conflict to create an engaging and dynamic interaction between the characters. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding depth to the characters and moving the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes operation involving a fake sheik and the cultural insensitivity displayed by the characters adds complexity and depth to the scene. The tension and conflict arising from the lack of preparation and miscommunication enhance the overall concept.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters prepare for a crucial operation. The introduction of Paco and the ceremonial knife adds intrigue and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene features unique character dynamics, sharp dialogue, and a mix of humor and tension that sets it apart from typical covert operation scenes.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Irving, Richie, and Paco, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. The conflict between them adds depth to their relationships and drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Richie and Irving, experience subtle changes in their dynamics and motivations throughout the scene. Richie's lack of preparation and cultural insensitivity lead to conflict, while Irving's frustration and determination drive his actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his authority and control over the situation, while also dealing with personal insecurities and emotional turmoil.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute a covert operation with the FBI agent, while also navigating personal relationships and conflicts.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' differing approaches to the operation, cultural insensitivity, and personal dynamics. This conflict drives the tension and adds depth to the interaction.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and goals creating tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the operation, including the risk of exposure, cultural sensitivity, and potential consequences, add tension and urgency to the scene. The characters' actions and decisions carry significant weight and impact the outcome of the operation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up a crucial operation involving the fake sheik and introducing new elements like Paco and the ceremonial knife. The characters' interactions and decisions propel the narrative towards the next stage of the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and the shifting dynamics of the covert operation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for control and the FBI agent's concerns about ethics and racial sensitivity in their operation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact of the scene is moderate, with moments of tension and confrontation eliciting emotional responses from the characters. However, the focus is more on the plot and character dynamics than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The sharp and witty dialogue enhances the tension and humor in the scene. The confrontational exchanges between the characters reveal their dynamics and add depth to the overall interaction.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, complex character relationships, and high stakes of the covert operation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and develops character relationships.


Critique
  • The opening lines of the scene are very effective in establishing a sense of tension and anticipation. The reader is immediately drawn into the drama of Irv and Sydney's relationship and the stakes involved in their plan.
  • The dialogue between Irv and Sydney is well-written and believable. The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear.
  • The scene is well-paced and the tension builds steadily throughout. The reader is kept guessing about what will happen next.
  • The ending of the scene is satisfying and leaves the reader wanting more. The reader is left with a sense of hope for Irv and Sydney, but also a sense of uncertainty about their future.
Suggestions
  • One suggestion for improving the scene would be to add more detail to the setting. The reader is not given a clear sense of where the scene is taking place.
  • Another suggestion would be to add more conflict to the scene. The scene is currently very dialogue-heavy, and some action would help to keep the reader's attention.
  • Finally, the ending of the scene could be stronger. The reader is left with a sense of hope for Irv and Sydney, but also a sense of uncertainty about their future. This could be resolved by giving the reader a more definitive sense of what will happen next.



Scene 26 -  Irv's Struggle to Keep the Party a Secret from Rosalyn
115 EXT. TETERBORO AIRPORT TARMAC - DAY 115

ELO’s “10538 Overture” kicks on. Irv and Richie exit the
plane walking slightly behind the “sheik” and his
“bodyguards” - the sheik in the front.

The Sheik hands the ceremonial knife to Carmine and bows his
head --

CARMINE POLITO
Hello Sheik, my friend. Welcome.
On behalf of the great state of New
Jersey I want to welcome you to New
Jersey. I know that was redundant.
I'm sorry. I'm just very nervous.

116 Carmine takes the knife and looks to the others excitedly. 116

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
(to “shiek”)
We have a great party planned for
you this evening.


118 INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - NIGHT 118

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(half dressed)
But what are you talking about, I
can't go? I just did my hair and
makeup and everything!

IRVING ROSENFELD
The Sheik's very particular. It's
international cultural protocol.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
International protocol? What the
fuck are you talking about?

PHONE RINGS --

IRVING ROSENFELD
Do not answer that!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(answers phone)
Hello -- Robert Spencer? I don't
know a Robert Spencer. What do you
want?

IRVING ROSENFELD
(takes phone)
Give it to me.
80.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Who is that?

IRVING ROSENFELD
(into the phone)
Look, I told you, for God's sake, I
told you not to call here.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
What is that about?

RICHIE DIMASO
(on phone)
Two more federal agents tonight,
OK?

Ros leaves the room.

IRVING ROSENFELD
No way.

RICHIE DIMASO
Yes. They're bodyguards for the
Sheik.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s too many people for me to
control, no.

RICHIE DIMASO
Look. I'm in charge here, alright?
Just do it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Rosalyn, get off the extension!

PAN TO:


REVEAL ROSALYN IN KITCHEN LISTENING ON THE PHONE.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(hangs up)
I’m not on it!

But she was on it. She heard.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Look, don't call here again,
alright? Don't call at home.

RICHIE DIMASO
Alright?
81.


IRVING ROSENFELD
OK.

RICHIE DIMASO
Good night.

He HANGS UP and walks into the kitchen. Rosalyn looks at him.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Federal agents?

IRVING ROSENFELD
It's bodyguards for the visiting
dignitary, that's all.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
What is it, an I.R.S. thing? Like
a tax investigation?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Why you gotta say that? I mean,
that's why I can't invite you.
It's too complicated. Listen, come
on.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Are you in trouble?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Look, stop being so nosy.

Irving opens the fridge which is a mess.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Look at this shit.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I'm only nosy cause you never tell
me anything.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Can we clean up this fridge? I
mean, what are you causing trouble
for all the time?

PHONE RINGS AGAIN.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
DO NOT ANSWER THAT--

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(picks up phone)
HEL-LO- Oh, hi, Carmine. We were
just talking about you.
(MORE)
82.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT'D)
Irving's being a mean, boring man
saying that he doesn't want me to
come tonight.

CARMINE POLITO
(on phone)Tell him he's crazy!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Well, I agree. Want to tell him
yourself?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Gimme the phone, come on.

CARMINE POLITO
It wouldn't be a party without you!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Can you imagine? Tell him yourself.

She hands the phone to a very exasperated, anxious, Irv.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(into telephone) Hey, Carmie.

CARMINE POLITO
Irving, you're crazy! Your wife is
coming, you kidding me? She's the
life of the party! Everybody loves
her.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I’m the life of the party!

IRVING ROSENFELD
(confidential into phone)
Look, you know what she's like.
She's unpredictable. She's just
always --

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Hey, don’t talk about me like that!
What’s Carmine saying?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t hear what he’s saying.

CARMINE POLITO
Listen, Irving, it's very important
that she come, you understand?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Carmine loves me.
83.


CARMINE POLITO
(on phone)
This is a really big night for us,
you understand? Come on, you gotta
bring your wife. And Dolly's got
somethin' special for her.

Dolly is getting dressed for the party in the background.

DOLLY POLITO
Tell her I got the nail polish for
her.

CARMINE POLITO
See? Listen!

DOLLY POLITO
(raising her voice to phone) I got
your nail polish for you, sweetie!

CARMINE POLITO
You see? Somethin' special for
you. What is it? Tell me. I mean,
(lowers his voice, conspiratorial)
What is it, you got a girlfriend
coming? Come on, I thought we were
friends. You're not gonna tell me
you got a girlfriend? This is
ridiculous.

IRVING ROSENFELD
No, it's just Rosalyn’s
unpredictable.

CARMINE POLITO
Look, we're gonna handle this like
men, you understand? You're
bringing your wife. We're gonna
have a good time. That's an order
from the Mayor. Good-bye.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(to Rosalyn) Alright, you happy?
Go get ready.

Irv hangs up and exits the kitchen.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Yes, I am happy.
84.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Irv and Richie arrive at Teterboro Airport to welcome a sheik, while Irv's wife, Rosalyn, is upset about not attending a party due to 'international cultural protocol'. Irv tries to prevent Rosalyn from knowing about the federal agents, but she overhears and becomes suspicious. The scene takes place on the tarmac of Teterboro Airport during the day and in Irv and Rosalyn's house at night. The main conflict is Irv's attempt to keep the federal agents and the party a secret from Rosalyn, which ultimately fails. The tone of the scene is tense and anxious, with Irv becoming increasingly exasperated as he tries to keep Rosalyn in the dark. The scene ends with Irv giving in to pressure and allowing Rosalyn to attend the party.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Tension and comedy balance
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive phone call interruptions
  • Some confusion in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of navigating a high-stakes social event while dealing with unexpected complications and misunderstandings is well-executed and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Irving and Rosalyn navigate the situation with the Mayor's party and federal agents, adding layers of complexity and humor to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the cultural protocol and the protagonist's struggle to balance personal and professional obligations. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Rosalyn shine in this scene, showcasing their unique personalities, dynamics, and humor. Their interactions drive the scene forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it further develops the relationship dynamics between Irving and Rosalyn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control over the situation and protect his wife from potential trouble. This reflects his desire for stability and security in his personal life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the complex social dynamics and obligations surrounding the visit of the 'sheik' and ensure that his wife's presence does not cause any issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Irving and Rosalyn, as well as the external conflict involving the Mayor's party and federal agents, adds tension and humor to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of the Mayor's party and the involvement of federal agents raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new complications, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's desire for control and stability conflicting with his wife's unpredictable nature and the expectations of the visiting dignitary.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits emotions of anxiety, humor, and exasperation, engaging the audience in the characters' predicaments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It adds to the tension and comedy of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the fast-paced dialogue, comedic elements, and the tension between characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by maintaining tension and building towards a resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It introduces the conflict between Irv and Rosalyn over her attendance at the party, but it doesn't explore the conflict in depth or resolve it in a meaningful way.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and does not advance the plot. Characters repeat the same points multiple times, making the scene feel stale and unengaging.
  • The characters lack depth and motivation. Irv's reluctance to invite Rosalyn to the party is not well-established, and Rosalyn's insistence on going comes across as shallow and selfish.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and lacks visual interest. Characters talk about events and relationships rather than showing them through action and interaction.
  • The pacing is slow and the scene drags, with unnecessary dialogue and repetitions that could be trimmed to make it more concise and effective.
Suggestions
  • Establish a clear purpose for the scene: Is it to create conflict, resolve conflict, introduce new information, or develop character relationships?
  • Strengthen the dialogue by refining the language, adding subtext, and making it more revealing of the characters' goals and motivations.
  • Develop the characters more deeply by exploring their backstories, motivations, and relationships. Give them clear goals and obstacles to create tension and drive the plot.
  • Incorporate more visual elements and stage directions to make the scene more engaging and visually stimulating. Use actions, gestures, and movement to convey character emotions and relationships.
  • Tighten the pacing by removing unnecessary dialogue, repetitions, and exposition. Focus on essential moments and conversations that advance the plot and develop the characters.



Scene 27 -  A Tense Gathering in Atlantic City: Irv, Rosalyn, and the Mobsters
119 INT. IRV’S CADILLAC - DUSK 119

Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” plays on the
soundtrack as Irv drives: tinted glasses, large comb over,
blue crushed velvet suit, dark tie -- PAN TO:

VISOR MIRROR -- WHERE Rosalyn APPLIES MASCARA --

SMASH TO:


120 EXT. GRAND OLD ATLANTIC CITY HOTEL - NIGHT 120

Elton John continues as Carmine LIGHTS A CIGARETTE in a two-
toned GRAY AND BLACK TUXEDO, at the center of a haphazard red
carpet situation in front of a has-been beach resort -- large
old movie premiere spotlights rotate onto the facade in an
assorted CROWD OF LOCALS some dressed up -

JULIUS, CARMINE, TITO, MELORA (Carmine’s STEADFAST AIDES)
son DOMINIC, daughter LUCILLE, wife Dolly, assorted COPS,
FIREMEN IN FORMAL UNIFORMS WHITE GLOVES, UNION GUYS in suits,
fringe the area. Carmine ’s family is dressed up.

IRV’S CAR PULLS UP AND A FAT VALET IN RED OPENS DOOR. ROSALYN
GETS OUT IN HER WHITE DRESS --

DOLLY HANDS ROSALYN A TINY SHOPPING BAG WITH SWISS NAIL
PRODUCTS. ROSALYN OPENS A LITTLE BOTTLE OF NAIL FINISH AND
SHRIEKS IN ECSTACY.

Greets everyone.

LIMO PULLS UP: FLASHBULBS GO OFF -- SUDDENLY THE SPOT LIGHT
JAMS WITH GRINDING SOUND, LAMP EXPLODES IN SMOKE --

THROUGH THE SMOKE FROM THE FIRE STEPS: Richie IN A WHITE
SUIT, Edith stunning SILVER METALLIC Halston dress, WHITE FUR
COAT --

THE SHEIK STEPS OUT OF HIS LIMO, IN A BLACK FORMAL ARAB
DRESS, WITH AN ARABIC OR HISPANIC LOOKING FBI AGENT WE SAW ON
THE PLANE DRESSED AS HIS BODY GUARD IN BLACK WITH BLACK
SUNGLASSES.

ACROSS THE RED CARPET -- ROSALYN AND SYDNEY SEE EACH OTHER
FOR ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES -- LOCK EYES. ROSALYN HUGS IRV’S
ARM --

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(to Edith, glaring)
I know who you are.
85.


Irv tries to turn Rosalyn away, but she keeps turning back
giving Edith the hairy eyeball, as Edith gives it right back.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
I know who that is Irving.

Off to the side, Richie steels himself with bump of cocaine
before walking inside the old resort, his eyes dilate.


121 INT. LOBBY OF GRAND OLD SEASIDE HOTEL - NIGHT 121

The entourage walks through the ornate lobby as Edith and
Rosalyn continue to eyeball each other with Irv uncomfortably
in the middle as Carmine ENTHUSIASTICALLY CONTINUES HIS
PRESENTATION FOR THE SHEIK.

CARMINE POLITO
So this is the lobby. Now mind you,
a week ago this place was a mess,
but what existed was this
plasterwork. Look at the detail.
This is beautiful. My sons are
craftsmen. (to son, Dominic)
Please, tell them what you did.

DOLLY POLITO
Tell them everything you know. The
trompe l'oeil.

DOMINIC POLITO
Birds, sky, clouds, wood. Trompe
l'oeil -- "Trick of the eye."

CARMINE POLITO
We can restore all of this, you
see? You save 50 million -- look at
me -- fifty million right off the
bat -- I waive the law I helped
write. It said casino construction
must be ground up new, we don’t do
new. We renovate.

DOLLY POLITO
We don’t do new. We renovate.

Carmine leads all of them through the very crowded lobby as
he talks.

Irving listens intently, moved.
86.


122 INT. DOWNSTAIRS CASINO - CONTINUOUS 122

200 PEOPLE ARE GATHERED around blackjack, roulette, and craps
tables, playing and having a good time.

CARMINE POLITO
We put in some temporary fun --
some gaming tables, some play money
for people to have a good time. For
charity -- the Boys and Girls Club
and some arts programs.

Rosalyn walking with Irving, continues to stare daggers at
Edith, who stays close to Richie.


Carmine, Julius, Melora, CONTINUE TO LEAD EVERYONE INTO


123 INT. THE OCEAN ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 123

Carmine continues to walk --

CARMINE POLITO
This is the Ocean Room --

He pushes open double upholstered old doors --


THEY ENTER THE LARGE CROWDED YET INTIMATE BEMELMANS STYLE BAR

The bar -- LIKE THE BEMELMANS BAR AT THE CARLYLE HOTEL IN
MANHATTAN - IS LARGE YET INTIMATE -- THERE ARE 50 DRESSED UP
CITIZENS THERE DRINKING -- AND A CROWDED LONG BAR -- AND
ANOTHER SMALLER BAR ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM ---

Carmine pauses to stare at the MEN AT THE FAR BAR -- FIVE MEN
IN SUITS, 40 TO 60, SLIGHTLY MOB-LOOKING.

AS Irv IS PULLED ASIDE CONFIDENTIALLY BY Carmine -- Richie
AND Edith WATCH -- Rosalyn STANDS TO THE SIDE -- Carmine
puts his arm around Irv’s shoulders --

CARMINE POLITO
There are some gentlemen over there
at the bar. That's a hundred and
thirty years sitting there --
that's how much time’s between
them. They run the biggest casinos
in the United States. We have to
work with them.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Right.
87.


CARMINE POLITO
The good news is they know how it's
done. They get it done. You don't
have to worry. Everyone makes their
money.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You mean the Mob?

CARMINE POLITO
Yes, but they're businessmen, okay?
Now, spend as much or as little
time with them as you like, but we
do have to deal with them. All
we’ve got to do is go say hello.
We just gotta say hi, that's all.

Edith looks on, calm, as Richie -- WILD EYED WITH COCAINE AND
ADRENALINE --

IRVING ROSENFELD
Carmine, maybe -- I'm not sure
that's such a good idea. We gotta
confer before we talk to these
guys.

RICHIE DIMASO
(interrupting, hopped up)
Confer? What is there to confer
about? They’re casino guys.

CARMINE POLITO
They are businessmen.

RICHIE DIMASO
We came all this way, Irving. We
should be here. What’s everybody
scared of? There’s nothing to be
scared of.

Richie stares down Irv, Edith pulls Richie back -- Rosalyn is
starting to go down a SPIRAL OF DEPRESSION as she looks
increasingly uncomfortable.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(re: the mob guys)
Those are the guys you’re all
scared of? Those guys over there?
They don’t scare me.

She glares at Edith and Irv and pivots to walk to the bar.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Rosalyn!
88.


But she’s already on her way over to the MAFIA MEN at the bar
who GREET HER WARMLY as Irv, Edith, Richie, and Carmine
watch.

RICHIE DIMASO
I love this!

Rosalyn walks up to PETE MUSANE, CHARISMATIC, 30 and sits
down in between all the Mafia guys.. THE OTHER THREE SALT AND
PEPPER MAFIA GUYS LAUGH AND TALK WITH Rosalyn - who gulps a
glass of PROSECCO and IS REFILLED BY PETE MUSANE.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Hi. Can I sit here?

Carmine whispers to Irv as he watches Rosalyn talk to the
Mafia guys.

CARMINE POLITO
Irving, this is not a good idea.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
How you guys doing? Everybody over
there is really scared of you guys,
you know that?

She knocks back the prosecco. She seems relieved.

Dolly ushers her kids to the door.

DOLLY POLITO
Kids, I want you to go up and get
some pizza and soda, please.

Irving and Edith watch in horror at Rosalyn.

EDITH GREENSLY
It’s a disaster.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I think they have this room all
wrong.

PETE MUSANE
Yeah? What would you do?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I would do it in all black and gold
and I would do this bar like a big,
warm golden mirror.

DICK HELSING
Sounds beautiful.
89.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Thank you.

Rosalyn’s smitten by the mobsters.

PETE MUSANE
But you expect that from her
because she’s so beautiful --

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Oh stop.

DICK HELSING
Gorgeous.

PETE MUSANE
I love her hair, so I know I’m
gonna love how she’d do the room --

He touches the front of her huge Farrah overhang bangs.
Richie, Irving, Carmine, and the Sheik walk up to them.

RICHIE DIMASO
How do you do?

PETE MUSANE
(to Richie)
I’m sorry is she your wife?

IRVING ROSENFELD
No, she's my wife. She's my wife.

CARMINE POLITO
Look at these fine gentleman.

PETE MUSANE
Carmine, there you are.

CARMINE POLITO
How you doing?

Irving takes the glass of prosecco out of Rosalyn’s hand and
puts it on table.

PETE MUSANE AND GUYS
Ohhhh, heyyyyy! Come onnn!

ROSALYN
It's because he's a party pooper.
He’s so boring.

Irving stares fuming at Rosalyn and the guys, he nods and
forces a smile good naturedly as they put prosecco glass in
his hand. He knows how to fake it.
90.


PETE MUSANE
You have a very beautiful wife.

DICK HELSING, ROSALYN ROSENFELD, OTHER
GUYS
Salud.

THE MADE GUYS LAUGH. SYD ROLLS HER EYES. IRVING, CARMINE
STARE WITH TENSION.

THEY ALL LAUGH. RICHIE GUIDES SHEIK with ONE BODY GUARD.

RICHIE DIMASO
May I present Sheik Abdullah,
gentlemen, from Abu Dhabi. Sheik,
these men are professionals, they
run the best casinos in the United
States.

The Sheik acknowledges them with a nod. Irv is extremely
uncomfortable.

PETE MUSANE
Mr. Sheik, as a sign of our
seriousness, Mr. Tallegio came from
Miami to meet you tonight.

HEAVY PAUSE.

CARMINE POLITO
Mr. Tallegio? Why didn’t you tell
me Mr. Tallegio was here?

PETE MUSANE
He’s in the back room.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It's a sign of disrespect to do
business on the first meeting.

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s not true. I don’t know what
your talking about. (to Musane)
He’s got it all wrong.

DICK HELSING
Well, don't leave him back there in
the back room waiting. Come on,
let's go.

Rosalyn reaches to have her glass refilled by Dick Helsing
when one of the other guys NUDGES her hip in her tight dress
and she drops into Pete Musane’s lap.
91.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Hey Irving, I’m going to be having
fun. Maybe it will be contagious.


Irving turns and heads with dread towards the back door with
Carmine, Richie, and the Sheik. Sydney, worried about Rosalyn
with Musane, decides to hang back.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense scene, set at a grand old Atlantic City hotel, Irv and Rosalyn attend a presentation by Carmine. The crowd includes Richie, Edith, and several mobsters, including Pete Musane and Dick Helsing. Rosalyn, feeling uncomfortable, approaches the mobsters and sits down with them, much to Irv's dismay. The tension builds as Irv tries to keep Rosalyn away from the mobsters, and the scene ends with Irv, Carmine, Richie, and the Sheik walking towards the back door with dread, while Sydney stays behind to watch over Rosalyn.
Strengths
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Rosalyn's behavior may come across as exaggerated or unrealistic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, humor, and drama to create an engaging and dynamic narrative. The interactions between characters and the unfolding events keep the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes event involving the mob, a sheik, and personal relationships is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores the complexities of the situation and the characters' reactions.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and tension. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'deal with the devil' trope, exploring the consequences of aligning with criminal figures in a high-stakes environment.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward. Each character has distinct motivations and personalities, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in their attitudes and behaviors during the scene, particularly in their interactions with each other and the unfolding events.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a potentially dangerous situation involving the mafia and maintain control over his wife, who is becoming increasingly unpredictable and flirtatious.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully network and make connections with influential figures in the casino industry, particularly the mafia members present at the event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and creating tension among the characters. The clash of personalities and interests adds depth to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations creating tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, involving the mob, a sheik, and personal relationships. The characters face significant risks and consequences, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and developments. It sets the stage for future events and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters and the potential consequences of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral compass and the ethical implications of dealing with criminal elements in the pursuit of success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, humor, and empathy. The escalating conflict and personal dynamics create an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals insights into the characters' relationships and dynamics. It effectively conveys tension, humor, and drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of suspense, drama, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that keeps the story moving forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure, moving seamlessly between different character interactions and building tension towards a climax.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more conflict.
  • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more dynamic.
  • The characters are well-developed, but they could be more complex.
  • The pacing is good, but it could be more varied.
  • The setting is well-described, but it could be more visually interesting.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict by having the characters disagree with each other or by having them face an obstacle.
  • Make the dialogue more dynamic by using more active verbs and by varying the sentence structure.
  • Add more complexity to the characters by giving them more depth and by exploring their motivations.
  • Vary the pacing by alternating between fast-paced and slow-paced scenes.
  • Make the setting more visually interesting by using more descriptive language and by adding more details.



Scene 28 -  Tense Meeting with a Powerful Man from Miami
125 INT. CASINO BACK ROOM -- NIGHT 125

SLOW PUSH IN ON POWERFUL LOOKING: BALD MAN IN SUNGLASSES,
LIGHT GRAY SUIT, DARK TIE -- STANDING BY HIMSELF.

CARMINE, RICHIE, SHEIK, IRVING ENTER A HALF FINISHED BACK
ROOM. PUSH IN ON IRVING.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
Carmine!

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Victor Tellegio was from Miami. He
was Meyer Lansky's right-hand man.
In his prior reputation as an
enforcer from twenty years ago, he
was known to never bury a body
because he felt it sent a stronger
message to leave it in the street.

FLASH BACK TO:

125A EXT. STREET - NIGHT 125A

YOUNGER TELLEGIO WALKS LAUGHING WITH A COLLEAGUE, LETS
COLLEAGUE GET AHEAD AND TELLEGIO SUDDENLY PULLS PISTOL, FIRES
THREE BULLETS WITH MUZZLE FLASH INTO MAN’S HEAD, MAN GOES TO
GROUND, TELLEGIO FIRES ONCE MORE, DROPS CLIP FROM GUN AND
SPITS ON BODY, WALKS DIRECTLY TO CAMERA MENACING. NOW BACK
TO:

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
This is the guy we now had to deal
with.



125B INT. CASINO BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS 125B

RESUME PUSH IN ON TELLEGIO AS A COUPLE OF BUSBOYS SET UP AN
IMPROMPTU TABLE AND CHAIRS. Carmine greets him.
92.


CARMINE POLITO
You sure you don't want to go into
the Ocean Bar? It's really, it's
beautiful in there.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
I'm very happy I don't have to go
there. I like it here. There's an
exit. I'm like a ghost. Nobody
knows I'm here.

Busboys whip open a white table cloth for the table.

Everyone sits down. Tellegio looks at the Sheik, then over to
Richie.

VICTOR TELLEGIO (CONT’D)
Tell him I speak for our friends in
Florida. We're very excited. It's
been our lifelong dream to build
casino resorts on the East Coast.

Richie pretends to translate in the Sheik’s ear.

VICTOR TELLEGIO (CONT’D)
You told him that? They didn't want
the Jews to make money, they didn't
want the Italians to make money,
definitely don't want the blacks to
make money. After the oil embargo --
the gasoline crisis -- the
hijackings, the Olympics, they
don't want to see Arabs make money,
trust me, not on our soil. You can
tell him this in your own way: I've
been in the casino business forty
years. It's scrutinized more
carefully than any other business.
Carmine made this legal, but we
must be careful or they'll take it
away.

CARMINE POLITO
So, Mister Tellegio, how do you
think we should approach this? What
do you want to do?

VICTOR TELLEGIO
If you want to get the gaming
license and keep it we have to make
our principal investor here, the
Sheik, an American citizen.
93.


Irving and Richie both look at Victor intensely not sure
where this is going.

CARMINE POLITO
To expedite citizenship -- well,
that requires very special
treatment.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
You would know the right people to
do that, Carmine.

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine knows everybody.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What are we talking about?

CARMINE POLITO
U.S. Senators. Congressmen.

RICHIE DIMASO
Wow, that’s fantastic.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I say stay away from that. That's
bad. That's trouble. No, that's not
good.

RICHIE DIMASO
Irving please.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s trouble.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
Who is this guy? (to Irving) What
are you, a farmer?

Richie and Tellegio both laugh.

CARMINE POLITO
Mr. Tellegio, I'm sorry, this is
Irving. New York businessman.
Irving Rosenfeld.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
Irving, Irving. What’s the matter,
Irving? What’s the problem?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Nothing. No problem.
94.


VICTOR TELLEGIO
Don't get your balls in an uproar.
Everything's fine, everything's
good. It’s all good. It’s all good.
I just hope the other part of this
is all good. And real. Because
we’re real. You know that. You deal
with us. We’re a real organization.
We deal with you, we don’t know
what we’re dealing with.

Everyone stares increasingly tense at Tellegio in silence.
This could go wrong at any minute. Tellegio looks over to
Richie and points to the Sheik.

Irving watches in horror as --

VICTOR TALLEGIO
Where’s he from?

RICHIE DIMASO
(winging it)
Abu Dhabi.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
Oh, he's from the Emirates.

RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
(in subtitled Arabic)
(Can I count on you? You gotta be
honest about this. Do you
understand me? Good means good. No
bullshit.)

PUSH IN ON IRV AND CARMINE FEELING THIS IMMENSE PRESSURE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

VICTOR TELLEGIO (CONT’D)
(to Sheik)
(Did you hear what I said? Do you
want me to repeat it?)

Irving looks ill, as does everyone else at the table.

VICTOR TELLEGIO (CONT’D)
(What do you think now? Tell me.
Tell me.)

RICHIE DIMASO
Uh, I think, I think what he’s --
95.


VICTOR TELLEGIO
No, let him speak for himself.

Sheik swallows hard and looks to Richie. It’s a very tense
moment for everyone at the table.

Tellegio stares. Everyone hangs on this. Irving and Richie
share a look -- what is he doing?

A DRUNK, AL KOWALSKI, a working man, friend of the Mayor
BARRELS INTO INTO THE TABLE, spilling drinks. Tellegio’s guys
jump in and grab him and start to pull him away.

CARMINE POLITO
No, I know him.

AL KOWALSKI
You guys are way too serious for a
party!(to Tellegio) Hey, what are
you drinking? You got a drink?

TELLEGIO GLARES BACK AT THE INTRUSION.


CARMINE
(to Al)
We're in a very serious meeting.
(to Tellegio) I apologize.

TELLEGIO DOES NOT LOOK AMUSED.

AL KALOWSKI
I understand, you're in conference.
You gotta come with me now. You got
a speech to give. Everyone’s
waiting for you.

CARMINE POLITO
Al, I'll be right behind you, okay?
Trust me.

Paco Hernandez/Sheik stands up and reaches over to Tellegio
to shake his hand. Irving panics. THE MENACING DEEP BASS
INTRO OF “WHITE RABBIT” FADES UP ON THE SOUNDTRACK.

SHEIK ABDULLAH
(In Arabic)
It is great doing business with
you. The investment is real. It was
a pleasure to meet you.

Irving exhales in relief that Paco managed to say anything
passable in Arabic.
96.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
What are the odds of an Italian guy
from Miami knowing Arabic? But it
turns out he's got casino
investments in the Mideast and he
spent two years learning it to keep
the upper hand.

Victor leans over to talk to Carmine.

VICTOR TELLEGIO
Listen to me carefully. If you're
real, you put ten million in the
bank of our choice in the next two
weeks.

Carmine nods.

VICTOR TELLEGIO (CONT’D)
Carmine, listen to me carefully, if
you're real, you put ten million in
the bank of our choice in the next
two weeks or not only will the
Sheik feel insulted, but our
friends in Florida will feel deeply
disrespected and so will I.

Irving looks at Victor, who stares back at him. This is bad.

AT THE BAR --

“WHITE RABBIT” CONTINUES. ROSALYN CONTINUES TO FLIRT WITH
PETE MUSANE --

SYDNEY WATCHES OUT OF CONTROL ROSALYN, STANDS AND WALKS OVER
TO HER.

EDITH GREENSLY
Rosalyn, you need to come with me
alright?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I don’t need to come with you.

EDITH GREENSLY
You need to come with me. This
needs to stop. Come on.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Oh, you think I should come with
you?
97.


EDITH GREENSLY
Yeah, you need to come with me
right now.

Rosalyn takes her wrist out of Sydney’s grasp.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Why don't you get your fucking
hands off me, you fucking whore!

PETE MUSANE
Hey!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You’re a whore. (to everyone) This
is my husband’s whore!

EDITH GREENSLY
That’s real nice.

DOLLY POLITO
We’re not going to do this in the
Ocean Room tonight. Not tonight.
Please.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
This is my husbands whore!

Dolly escorts Edith over to one side of the room away from
Rosalyn.

DOLLY POLITO
You stay over here with me.
Everybody just calm down. I don't
know what's going on.

Pete looks over to Rosalyn.

PETE MUSANE
You alright? Take it easy. These
things happen. Whatever’s meant to
be will be.

Rosalyn smiles at Pete.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
That’s what I always say.

PETE MUSANE
You say that?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Yeah.
98.


PETE MUSANE
See? Kindred spirits.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Whatever’s meant to be will be.

PETE MUSANE
Whatever’s meant to be will be.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a back room of a casino, Victor Tellegio, a powerful man from Miami, discusses plans to build casino resorts on the East Coast and the need to make their principal investor, the Sheik, an American citizen. Carmine Polito, a politician, agrees to put ten million dollars in their bank of choice in the next two weeks. Irving Rosenfeld, a cautious businessman, expresses concerns about involving U.S. senators and congressmen, but Tellegio insists it's necessary. The tension is palpable throughout the scene, with a drunk man interrupting the meeting and causing further tension. The scene ends with Tellegio's demand to Carmine.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Complex power dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion with multiple characters and alliances
  • Some moments of unclear character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and sets up significant stakes for the characters involved. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-stakes meeting between criminal figures and political players is executed effectively, creating a sense of danger and intrigue. The idea of leveraging relationships and power dynamics is central to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with new alliances forming, demands being made, and potential consequences looming. The meeting sets the stage for future developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the casino business setting, with unique character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, especially in the tense interactions during the meeting. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 7

While there may not be significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and power dynamics between the characters set the stage for potential shifts in alliances and motivations in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the dangerous situation with Victor Tellegio and maintain their composure while facing potential threats and challenges.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure the gaming license and keep the principal investor, the Sheik, satisfied in order to move forward with their casino business plans.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with tensions running high as demands are made and alliances are tested. The potential consequences of the characters' actions add to the sense of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and threats that add to the suspense and unpredictability of the situation.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with demands for large sums of money, potential consequences for failure, and the risk of offending powerful figures. The characters' fates hang in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by establishing new alliances, setting up potential conflicts, and introducing higher stakes for the characters. It propels the narrative towards a crucial turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, moral dilemmas, and unexpected character actions that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power, manipulation, and the moral implications of the characters' actions. It challenges the protagonist's values and beliefs as they navigate through a morally ambiguous situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to concern and anticipation. The high stakes and complex power dynamics heighten the emotional impact of the interactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and drives the scene forward. It reveals the power dynamics, conflicts, and alliances between the characters, adding depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high-stakes atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and tension-filled interactions that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the setting and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The scene is too long and doesn't have a clear focus. It would be more effective if it were shorter and more focused on a specific event or interaction.
  • The characters are not well-developed. The reader doesn't get a good sense of who they are or what they want.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot. It's just a lot of talk without any real action or development.
  • The scene is full of exposition. The characters spend a lot of time explaining things to each other, which is not very engaging for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Shorten the scene and focus on a specific event or interaction.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and motivation.
  • Add some action or development to the scene to make it more exciting.
  • Cut down on the exposition and focus on the dialogue and action.



Scene 29 -  Rosalyn's Discovery and Carmine's Speech
INT. WOMEN’S POWDER ROOM HALLWAY - CASINO

ROSALYN STORMS DOWN THE HALL TOWARDS THE BATHROOM AS “WHITE
RABBIT” BUILDS TO ITS CLIMAX.


126 INT. WOMEN’S POWDER ROOM - CASINO 126

Rosalyn looks in mirror: sadness, anger, fear. Edith rushes
in.

EDITH GREENSLY
What the hell do you think you’re
doing?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
What the hell do I think I’m
doing?! What the fuck do you think
you're doing? You really gonna come
in here and judge me for flirting
with somebody after you've been
fucking my husband for how many
years?!

EDITH GREENSLY
You don't have any fucking clue
what's going on!

Rosalyn holds her hand, with wedding ring to Sydney’s face.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I got a ring on my finger. We have
a child together.

EDITH GREENSLY
He doesn’t love you Rosalyn he
loves me. And you know it and I
know it and he knows it. And it
might be done now, but it was
beautiful and it was real.
99.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Stop.

EDITH GREENSLY
And we loved each other.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Shut up.

Rosalyn starts to tear up.

EDITH GREENSLY
You scare him, and you manipulate
him, and you use your son!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Well, he must like it on some
level. He must want it because he
keeps coming back for it. It's like
that perfume that you love that you
can't stop smelling, even when
there's something sour in it. You
can't get enough of it. But guess
what, he's never gonna leave me.
He's always going to want me, and I
will make you so sorry, Edith. I
will make you so sorry for what
you've done to my family, mark my
words.

EDITH GREENSLY
That is fucked up! I would never
say anything that fucked up to
anybody, but you do because you're
gross inside, you're so fucked up
and gross.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Oh, I'm gross inside?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yeah.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Maybe you're gross inside, with
robbing people and all that shit
that you do? Maybe we're both gross
inside, that's what Irving loves
about us. At least he's consistent
with his women. You know, sometimes
in life all you have are fucked up,
poisonous choices.

Rosalyn reaches over, grabs Sydney’s face and kisses her.
100.


Rosalyn laughs a toxic, tough front dark laugh and walks out.
THE BEE GEES “HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART?” STARTS.

Sydney looks into the mirror and wipes the lipstick off her
lips as Rosalyn storms out of the powder room.

SMASH TO:


129 ROSALYN WALKS OUT SHAKY -- SUDDENLY FROM BEHIND A ROW OF 129
WOODEN PAYPHONES A HAND GRABS ROSALYN’S AND PULLS HER BEHIND
THEM - ITS PETE MUSANE - THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER - SILENT -
INTENSE-- ROSALYN IS SHAKING AND CRYING AS SHE FALLS APART IN
HIS ARMS.

SYDNEY COMES STORMING OUT OF THE POWDER ROOM AND WALKS RIGHT
PAST ROSALYN AND PETE.

PUSH IN ON: SYDNEY LOOKING BACK, STOPPED, SEES ROSALYN
EMBRACING PETE AS SHE CRIES.

SMASH TO:


130 SYDNEY RUNS INTO BACK ROOM, URGENTLY JOINS IRV AND RICHIE AT 130
THE TABLE.

EDITH GREENSLY
We need to talk! This is serious.

SMASH TO:


CARMINE AND DOLLY CLIMB THE STAIRS TO THE MAIN BALLROOM
FILLED EXCITEDLY WITH OPTIMISM AS THE SONG SWELLS. THEY KISS
IN SILHOUETTE INTO A HARD BACKLIGHT. CARMINE CLIMBS REACHES
THE STAGE AND THE CROWD ROARS.

AL KALOWSKI
Ladies and gentlemen, your friend,
the working man's friend, my
friend, Mayor Carmine Polito!


ON STAGE: Carmine TAKES MIC

Irving stands off to the side of the stage as his world
closes in around him. Pulls his heart pills out of his pocket
and takes one. Sydney sees this as she stands nearby with
Richie.

Irv, Edith, Richie watch near stage, jostled. Rosalyn enters
the ball room looking disheveled as she is guided by Pete
Musane looks to stage.
101.


CARMINE POLITO
(on mic)
Hello, Camden! Hello, New Jersey!
Hello, Atlantic City! [CROWD ROARS]
A lot of my friends been out of
work [CROWD WHISTLES - BOOS] A lot
of good hard working families just
wanna WORK AND LIVE. (crowd CHEERS)
There’s no money nowhere. You gotta
be kidding me! -- don’t they
remember who built this country?
[CHEERS] The one thing we can all
agree about in the State of New
Jersey is that we never, ever give
up! Do we?

Carmine dominates the crowd and you can see the emotion in
his face as he says this. He raises his glass to the crowd.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
Please, raise a glass with me to a
new era that begins tonight. From
me and my family, we thank you. For
all the hard work that you've given
us in the community. Look what
you've done. This is beautiful!
Thank you!

Crowd ROARS WILDLY. Irv watches, MOVED AND DESTROYED.

DISSOLVE TO: SHOTS OF EMPTY BALL ROOM, TRASHED HALLWAYS,
ATLANTIC CITY STREET TO OCEAN -- OCEAN SOUNDS

SMASH TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Rosalyn Rosenfeld confronts Edith Greensly about her affair with Rosalyn's husband, Sydney, in the casino powder room, leading to a heated argument. Meanwhile, Irving Rosenfeld takes a heart pill as he watches the scene unfold. In a different part of the casino, Carmine Polito gives an inspiring speech to the crowd. The scene ends with Rosalyn embracing Pete Musane as she cries.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character relationships
  • Intense dialogue
  • Plot advancement
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of melodrama
  • Complexity may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense emotional moments, complex character dynamics, and significant plot developments. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the narrative forward and revealing deeper layers of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the intricate relationships and emotional conflicts within the characters is executed effectively, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations, emotional confrontations, and character dynamics coming to the forefront. The stakes are raised, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of betrayal, love, and manipulation, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions, motivations, and conflicts. Their interactions drive the scene forward and reveal deeper layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience significant emotional shifts and revelations in this scene, leading to personal growth, confrontations, and realizations. Their relationships and dynamics are tested and transformed.

Internal Goal: 8

Rosalyn's internal goal is to assert her worth and defend her family against perceived threats. She wants to prove her value and protect her relationship with her husband and child.

External Goal: 7

Rosalyn's external goal is to confront Edith about her affair with her husband and assert her dominance in the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including emotional confrontations, betrayals, and power struggles. The characters' conflicting desires and motivations create a tense and dramatic atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and emotions driving the conflict between characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters facing personal, emotional, and professional challenges that could have far-reaching consequences. The decisions made here have the potential to impact the future trajectory of the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with key plot developments, character revelations, and escalating conflicts. It sets the stage for future events and deepens the narrative complexity.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character actions and outcomes, but the emotional depth and intensity keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of love, loyalty, and manipulation. Rosalyn and Edith have different perspectives on their relationships with Irving, highlighting conflicting values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, with moments of sadness, anger, fear, and love. The characters' vulnerabilities and emotional turmoil are palpable, drawing the viewers into their struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and impactful, capturing the tension and complexity of the relationships between the characters. It effectively conveys their inner turmoil and conflicting emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, sharp dialogue, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, leading to a climactic confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension and emotional stakes effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of action and dialogue, which is good for keeping the reader engaged. However, the dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their motivations. For example, Rosalyn's line "What the hell do you think you're doing?" is a bit too confrontational and doesn't give the reader any insight into her character.
  • The scene also suffers from a lack of focus. It starts with Rosalyn confronting Edith about her affair with Irving, but then it quickly shifts to Rosalyn talking about her own relationship with Irving. This makes it difficult for the reader to follow the scene and understand what's going on.
  • The ending of the scene is also a bit abrupt. Rosalyn kisses Sydney and then storms out of the bathroom, leaving the reader with a lot of unanswered questions. It would be more satisfying if the scene ended with a more definitive resolution, such as Rosalyn confronting Irving about her suspicions.
  • The dialogue is full of phrases like "sounding like a complete lunatic" which could be described as beating the audience over the head. Your audience should be able to come to their own conclusions and not be told what to think or feel.
  • The poison and gross inside language is repeated a few too many times for effect.
  • The scene's length could be cut down. Some details are not necessary for the story to move forward.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective. What is the main point of the interaction between Rosalyn and Edith?
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more subtle and nuanced dialogue that reveals more about the characters and their motivations.
  • Keep the scene focused on a single conflict or issue. In this case, it would be more effective to focus on Rosalyn's confrontation with Edith about her affair with Irving.
  • End the scene with a more definitive resolution. For example, Rosalyn could confront Irving about her suspicions, or she could decide to leave him.
  • Use more specific and evocative language. Instead of saying "What the hell do you think you're doing?", Rosalyn could say something like "I can't believe you're doing this to me. I thought we had something special."
  • Consider having Rosalyn and Edith interact in a more subtle and nuanced way. For example, they could have a conversation about their relationships with Irving, or they could simply observe each other from afar.



Scene 30 -  Revelations and Threats
132 INT. IRVING’S DRY CLEANERS - EARLY MORNING 132

Irving walks in with his keys, same clothes from night
before, as ocean sounds continue, TAKES A GUN FROM THE SAFE,
and he stands looking lost and lonely, he turns on the
electric dry cleaning rack, where he and SYDNEY STOOD
TOGETHER, IN LOVE. He looks heartsick. HE STEPS INSIDE THE
SWIRLING ELECTRIC DRY CLEANING RACK OF PLASTIC WRAPPED
CLOTHES, AND STANDS ALONE, WHERE SYD USED TO BE, AND IS
HEARTBROKEN.


EXT. THIRD AVENUE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

RICHIE STORMS DOWN THE STREET IN SAME NIGHT CLOTHES.
102.


134 INT. HALLWAY TO SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY 134

BANG BANG BANG -- Richie POUNDS ON SYDNEY’S DOOR -- SYDNEY,
HAIR IN CURLERS, ANSWERS THE DOOR.

RICHIE DIMASO
Can I use your phone?

135 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT DAY - AS SHE WATCHES -- HE paces 135
intense, phone in hand, SHIRT SLEEVES, a mess. HE DIALS.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
(to Sydney)
Last night was insane. I got it all
figured out.

STODDARD THORSEN
(on phone)
Stoddard Thorsen.

RICHIE DIMASO
(into phone)
Listen, I need the Sherman Suite at
the Plaza Hotel, okay?

STODDARD THORSEN
(on phone)
That's a whole floor of the hotel.

RICHIE DIMASO
I need a whole floor. I need it for
my operation


INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

STODDARD THORSEN
(on phone)
Stop calling it your operation,
Richard. It's not your operation.
And I'm not giving you a whole
floor of the Plaza Hotel.


INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY

RICHIE DIMASO
I have members of Congress that are
gonna come in right now to try to
give the Sheik citizenship. They're
taking bribes. This is happening
right now. That's what's happening
right now.
103.


INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE - DAY

STODDARD THORSEN
(on phone)
Bribing members of Congress are you
out of your fucking mind?


INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY

RICHIE DIMASO
Stoddard. Stoddard! Shut up!
Listen! Do you know who Victor
Tellegio is? Victor. Tellegio.
Works for Meyer Lansky. You know
who that is?

STODDARD THORSEN
I know who Victor Tellegio is.

RICHIE DIMASO
Resorts International! He wants ten
million dollars. I have two weeks!

STODDARD THORSEN
You’re not getting ten million
dollars.

RICHIE DIMASO
(screaming)
Just listen to me! You're not
listening to me! I have two weeks!
I have two weeks to put this thing
together and I need you to get me
the Sherman Suite at the Plaza
Hotel. And your going to fucking do
it!

STODDARD THORSEN
Lower your voice. You don’t get to
yell at me.

Richie SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE. Edith (HAIR IN CURLERS) STARES
AT HIM.

RICHIE DIMASO
Calm me down baby. You gotta calm
me down.

He handles her hips and neck and waist and ass.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Baby let’s do this. Let’s do this
right now. --
104.


EDITH GREENSLY
No, no.

RICHIE DIMASO
I want to do this. You’re fucking
skin is glowing baby. Your skin is
glowing.

EDITH GREENSLY
I’m not doing this with you. We’re
not going to do this unless we do
it for real, alright?

RICHIE DIMASO
I want to do this now!

EDITH GREENSLY
That’s what we agreed on so we’re
not going to do that alright?
Alright? Where are you? You’re
acting all scary.

She grabs him by the head to calm him down.

EDITH GREENSLY (CONT’D)
Are you here with me?

HE TRIES A GENTLER SEDUCTION.

RICHIE DIMASO
(leans down to her eyes)
I love you. I love you. Look at me.
(slowly)
I’m in love with you. It is real
now. I just said it so now’s the
time.

He handles her, nuzzles her neck, starts to turn her on.

EDITH GREENSLY
(kissing him)
You want the truth? You want real?

RICHIE DIMASO
I’m ready for real.

SOMETHING CLICKS INSIDE HER -- SHE DROPS HER BRITISH ACCENT --

SYDNEY PROSSER
(DROPS HER BRITISH ACCENT)
OK, this is real. Do you hear my
voice? This is real. This is real.
What you hear is real.
105.


Richie steps back quickly and grabs Sydney.

RICHIE DIMASO
What?

SYDNEY PROSSER
This is me.

RICHIE DIMASO
What do you mean? What are you
doing an accent? An American
accent?

EDITH GREENSLY
No. There is no English. There’s
only American. There is no English.

Richie looks at her and continues to hold her looking very
confused and flustered.

RICHIE DIMASO
What are you talking about? Stop
it. You’re Edith. You’re Edith
Greensly. I checked your records.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I falsified my records back to
birth. I falsified them.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
My name is Sydney Prosser, and I'm
from Albuquerque, New Mexico. I'm
not Edith Greensly. There is no
Edith Greensly.

Richie steps back. He stares at her darkly.

RICHIE DIMASO
You’re -- freaking -- me -- out.
No, you said in the stall that we
were going to be real and that we
weren't going to fake it.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I’m being real now. This is who I
am. I’m Sydney Prosser. Ok?

RICHIE DIMASO
So -- why -- did you do an English
accent after that?

SYDNEY PROSSER
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in the
stall.
(MORE)
106.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT'D)
I created Edith because I needed
her to survive, okay? But I'm done
with that now. I'm so fucking done
with that. Like you do what you
need to survive, right? You do it.
You know, you live with your mom --
you have a fiancée you don't even
acknowledge, right? That's what
you do. And you curl your hair in
little fucking curlers, which is --
No, it's okay, you look good with
it, but you know -- you have
straight hair, so that's what you
do to survive. You do all sorts of
things, you know. We all do.

RICHIE DIMASO
(whispers tensely)
Please don't talk about that. I'm
confused. I'm confused and --

SYDNEY PROSSER
I’m fucking confused too, alright?

RICHIE DIMASO
-- I think we should fuck, and then
we’ll feel it and we won’t be
confused anymore.

HE EMBRACES HER --

SYDNEY PROSSER
No -- I want to talk. I don’t want
to fuck.

RICHIE DIMASO
(embracing her)
Yes! Come on.

SYDNEY PROSSER
NO! I’m not fucking you. I’m not
fucking fucking you!

RED FACED LIKE HE MAY HIT HER, a vein stands out in his neck.
SHE FLINCHES. HE SCREAMS like an animal in confusion and
frustration.

RICHIE DIMASO
AHHH!

SUDDENLY SYDNEY GRABS A GLASS PICTURE FRAME FROM A TABLE,
SMASHES IT ACROSS RICHIE’S FOREHEAD AND FACE WITH A
SHATTERING OF GLASS.
107.


Richie in pain holds his cut forehead and eyebrow.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
(in pain and dismay)
SHIT!

They hear a door open off screen, someone approaches. Irving
appears from around the corner of the wall pointing his
handgun at Richie.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Will you please step away from
Edith. I’m asking you nicely please
step away from Edith right now.

RICHIE DIMASO
What the fuck --

IRVING ROSENFELD
Step away from her. Please.

RICHIE DIMASO
You mean Sydney?

Irving looks over to Sydney very confused.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I told him. I’m sorry. I just don’t
give a fuck anymore, I don’t give a
fuck. I don’t fucking care.

RICHIE DIMASO
Irving has a gun.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What Richie’s gotten us into is
worse then jail. I told you last
night, don’t sit down with those
goons. And what? Now what? No one’s
getting ten million for Tellegio.
It’s over.

RICHIE DIMASO
I don’t think so.

Irving and Sydney stare.


RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
(slowly)
Because when Tellegio finds out
what happened, do you think he's
gonna go after me? I don’t think
so. Someone from the Bureau?
(MORE)
108.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Think he's gonna go after a
politician? He's gonna kill you.
Then he’s going to go after your
son. And Sydney.

Richie PICKS UP PHONE AS THEY WATCH -- HE DIALS. INTERCUT:

STODDARD THORSEN
(on phone)
Stoddard Thorsen.

RICHIE DIMASO
(slowly, intensely)
You’re going to give me the Sherman
Suite. The whole floor.

HIS NOSE AND FOREHEAD ARE CUT FROM THE GLASS.

STODDARD THORSEN
That’s a NO. I said no wacko.

RICHIE DIMASO
And you’re going to tell me the
point of that FUCKING fishing
story.

STODDARD THORSEN
Not the way you’re behaving.

RICHIE DIMASO
(FUMING)
What’s the matter with you? Where
are you right now?

STODDARD THORSEN
What does that make a difference?

RICHIE DIMASO
Just tell me where the fuck you
are.

STODDARD THORSEN
The field office on 61st street.

RICHIE DIMASO
I’m coming to 61st Street. Right
now.

STODDARD THORSEN
You’re going to do what?

RICHIE DIMASO
To beat -- your ass.
109.


STODDARD THORSEN
You’re going to what?

Richie SLAMS the phone down, storms out the apartment.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Irving arrives at his cleaners looking sad, while Richie goes to Sydney's apartment to use her phone and arranges a suite at the Plaza Hotel for his operation. Stoddard Thorsen refuses to give him the suite, leading Richie to become increasingly agitated and violent. Sydney reveals her true identity as Sydney Prosser from Albuquerque, New Mexico, sparking a heated argument with Richie. Irving appears with a gun, and Richie calls Stoddard Thorsen to threaten him. The scene ends with Richie storming out of Sydney's apartment after the confrontation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotions
  • Revealing character moments
  • High stakes
  • Dramatic tension
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience due to the complex character revelations and shifting dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a mix of intense emotions, high stakes, and significant character revelations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of deception, betrayal, and the unraveling of identities is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the revelation of Sydney's true identity and the escalating conflict between the characters, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as deception, revelation, and moral ambiguity, adding complexity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' emotions and conflicts enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' true selves are exposed, leading to a shift in dynamics and relationships. Their emotions and motivations drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes as their true selves are exposed, leading to shifts in relationships and dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and power in a situation that is rapidly spiraling out of his grasp. This reflects his deeper need for validation and success.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure the Sherman Suite at the Plaza Hotel for his operation, reflecting the immediate challenge of organizing a complex scheme involving bribery and political manipulation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak as secrets are revealed, leading to confrontations and emotional outbursts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices, conflicting goals, and escalating conflicts. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences or overcome their obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face the consequences of their actions and decisions, with danger looming on the horizon.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shifts in tone and emotion, unexpected revelations, and escalating conflicts. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will react or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral ambiguity and willingness to manipulate and deceive others for personal gain. This challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, creating a tense and gripping atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and revealing, showcasing the characters' emotions and inner turmoil effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, emotional conflicts, and high stakes. The characters' actions and decisions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, escalating conflicts, and maintaining the audience's interest. The rapid dialogue and shifting emotions create a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction. It begins with Irving heartbroken in his dry cleaners, then transitions to Richie storming down the street and confronting Sydney in her apartment.
  • The dialogue between Richie and Sydney is repetitive and lacks emotional depth. Richie constantly demands the Sherman Suite at the Plaza Hotel, while Sydney tries to calm him down.
  • The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The characters' motivations and actions are not entirely clear. Richie's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, and Sydney's sudden change from Edith to Sydney is confusing.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Richie storming out of the apartment. It leaves the audience with a sense of unresolved conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to give it a clearer focus and direction. Perhaps start with Richie confronting Sydney in her apartment and then cut to Irving in his dry cleaners.
  • Revise the dialogue between Richie and Sydney to make it more emotionally charged and revealing. Explore their motivations and desires more deeply.
  • Tighten the scene by removing unnecessary dialogue and action. Focus on the essential moments that drive the story forward.
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and actions. Give Richie a clear goal and Sydney a stronger reason for resisting him.
  • Consider adding a resolution to the scene. This could involve Richie getting the Sherman Suite or facing consequences for his actions.



Scene 31 -  Regret, Longing, and Mistrust: A Day in the Life of Irving, Sydney, and the FBI
140 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY 140

IRVING ROSENFELD
You were right. We should have gone
away.

Irving sits in the corner of the room a disheveled mess.
Sydney sits on the bed drinking a Fresca.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
I should have gone away with you.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We were supposed to do it from the
feet up like you always said.
That’s how we were meant to do it
but you didn’t do it like that. You
didn’t do it like that. You played
it safe so there was always a
danger you were going to end up
with Rosalyn in the dead space,
floating on some dead spaceship
with the furniture and the
curtains. And I was your life line
out and you were mine and that was
ok.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(Irving stares at her,
emotional)
I wish I could get you back.

He walks across the room and sits down on the bed next to
Sydney.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You know I can't do it without you.
You know that. Come on. Me, you
and Danny. Like we said.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Like I said. You never said that. I
said that. We gotta get over on all
these guys. That’s what we need to
be thinking about right now.

Irving takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.
110.


IRVING ROSENFELD
That's big. That's crazy. Whatever
it is, it’s got to be the best
we’ve ever done.

Sydney nods her head yes, stares intensely at Irving as the
camera tilts down to reveal: their hands clasped together.


141 EXT. OLD FEDERAL BUILDING - DOWNTOWN - DAY 141

High ceiling, old office. Close on a tape recorder.

AS CAMERA PULLS BACK - SEE STODDARD, BANDAGES ON HIS BRUISED
FACE AND A WHITE EYE PATCH ON HIS INJURED EYE, SITTING
OPPOSITE PROSECUTOR, AMADO - - the tape recorder and
microphone sit on the desk in front of Stoddard as he records
a statement for a report.

STODDARD THORSEN
(SLOW MIDWEST MONOTONE)
Agent Dimaso called me late at
night on the 21st. I believe that
he was intoxicated. He threatened
me and I told him this was
inappropriate. I told him
procedures exist for reasons we
must respect. This is the third
such call I received from Agent
Dimaso. He called me again the
night of the 5th and he threatened
to kill me. Subsequently he
demanded that I allow him to use
the Sherman Suite at the Plaza
hotel for purposes of bribing
members of congress.

Camera pull-back reveals: THE CHASTENED Richie SITS
LISTENING, IN A SUIT AND TIE. He’s in trouble with their
boss, the prosecutor.

RICHIE DIMASO
I am so sorry.

STODDARD THORSEN
I’m not finished. There’s a lot
more.

Richie gets up and pulls up a chair next to Stoddard.
Stoddard flinches and moves away like he’s going to get hit
again.
111.


RICHIE DIMASO
I have nothing but the utmost
respect for you as my mentor. (he
reaches down and turns the tape
recorder off) and as my --

STODDARD THORSEN
(re: the recorder)
What are you doing?

RICHIE DIMASO
I just want to talk from my heart.
I don’t want it on record. I want
to get vulnerable.

STODDARD THORSEN
Can I finish? Can I finish my
statement?

RICHIE DIMASO
Of course. I respect you.

STODDARD THORSEN
I think you do other things besides
respect me.

SMASH TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary In this emotional and tense scene, Irving Rosenfeld regrets not running away with Sydney Prosser and expresses his wish to get her back. Sydney reminds him of their original plan and proposes a new scheme. Meanwhile, at the FBI office, Agent Richie DiMaso tries to apologize to Agent Stoddard Thorsen for his inappropriate behavior, but the mistrust between them remains unresolved. The scene takes place during the day in Sydney's apartment and an old federal building's office, with visual elements such as Irving's disheveled appearance, Sydney's drinking of a Fresca, and Agent Thorsen's bruised face and eye patch adding to the tension.
Strengths
  • Deep emotional exploration
  • Authentic character development
  • Tension and vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and tension, setting up a pivotal moment for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of regret, redemption, and consequences is well-developed and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' emotional struggles and the consequences they face.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on themes of regret, reconciliation, and partnership, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' inner conflicts and vulnerabilities are portrayed with depth and authenticity.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience significant emotional growth and introspection in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to express his regret and desire to reconcile with Sydney, reflecting his deeper need for her companionship and support.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to convince Sydney to come back and work together with him and Danny, reflecting the immediate challenge of their partnership being strained.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a high level of emotional conflict and tension between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with emotional barriers and conflicting desires creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with their regrets and the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up important emotional arcs and consequences for the characters, moving the story forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional responses and the outcome of their conversation, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, loyalty, and the consequences of playing it safe versus taking risks. Sydney challenges Irving's approach to their work and relationship, highlighting their differing values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner turmoil.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the unresolved tension between the protagonists.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the characters' dialogue to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, effectively conveying character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for character-driven dialogue scenes, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Irving and Sydney is a bit repetitive and doesn't really advance the plot or character development.
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal or purpose. It's just a conversation between Irving and Sydney about their past and their relationship.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene doesn't really fit with the rest of the script. It feels like a standalone scene that could be cut without affecting the overall story.
  • The scene doesn't really add anything new to the characters of Irving and Sydney. We already know that they have a strong bond and that they're both willing to do whatever it takes to achieve their goals.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more concise and to advance the plot or character development.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or purpose. What do you want the audience to learn or feel by the end of the scene?
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't fit with the rest of the script or if it doesn't add anything new to the characters or story.



Scene 32 -  FBI Confrontation: Dimaso vs. Thorsen
139 INT. STODDARD’S FIELD OFFICE - FLASHBACK 139

Stoddard paces while on the phone, holds up a finger to
Richie to wait, Richie picks up Stoddard’s phone -- rips the
cord out and smashes Stoddard across the face with the base.
Doesn’t stop til Stoddard falls to the ground, knocks over
desk chair and bookcase behind.

BACK TO:


INT. OLD FEDERAL BUILDING - DOWN TOWN

They stare at each other.

RICHIE DIMASO
It’s just hard for me to control my
passion. I’m a very passionate
person. (looks to Amado) You’re
from New York. You understand this.
He goes ice fishing in the midwest.

STODDARD THORSEN
That was told to you in confidence.
112.


RICHIE DIMASO
He’s an ice fishing guy. Look at
him.

SMASH BACK TO:


INT. FBI FIELD OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Where we left off. Stoddard reaches with bloodied hands
across -- what is he reaching for? Oh, on a small table, a
gun and a clip.

RICHIE DIMASO
What are you doing pulling out your
gun? Stop it. That’s not you.

STODDARD THORSEN
No, it’s me. This is me. It’s me.

RICHIE DIMASO
Don’t do something that you don’t
know anything about. Alright?

Richie grabs his gun and starts to load it.

STODDARD THORSEN
DO NOT LOAD THAT GUN. YOU DROP THAT
GUN.

RICHIE DIMASO
I’ll show you how it’s done. I’m
not even going to hit you.

He points the gun at Stoddard.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Watch this fucko.

CUT TO:


INT. OLD FEDERAL BUILDING - DOWNTOWN

Richie and Stoddard stare at each other in silence.

ANTHONY AMADO
So, you want to use the Sherman
Suite? The entire floor?

Stoddard throws his head back, looks at ceiling in
exasperation.
113.


STODDARD THORSEN
OH GOD.

RICHIE DIMASO
Yes! At the Plaza Hotel.

ANTHONY AMADO
What happened to the Mafia? I
thought you were --

RICHIE DIMASO
This is where they intersect! This
is where the two things intersect.
The Politicians and the Mafia.
Victor Tellegio’s people who run
resorts international --

ANTHONY AMADO
Victor Tellegio showed his face?

RICHIE DIMASO
Yes. I sat with him. I sat with
Victor Tellegio. I hung out with
him. We can get him. We can get his
whole organization as well as
getting any number of congressmen.
I mean, that’s just peeling the
first layer of the onion.

ANTHONY AMADO
Wow. How you going to do that?

RICHIE DIMASO
We would get ten million dollars
and put it into an account --

STODDARD THORSEN
TEN MILLION DOLLARS?! Ten Million
dollars?

RICHIE DIMASO
And that’s how we just let them
know we’re for real.

ANTHONY AMADO
What does he say he's gonna do for
the ten million dollars? How are we
trapping him?

RICHIE DIMASO
He promises to build casinos,
handle the skims, do the licencing -
-
114.


STODDARD THORSEN
And you have him on tape saying
this. You have that right? No.

ANTHONY AMADO
(to Richie)
I want you to find a safer way to
get Victor Tellegio on a wire. No
ten million dollars -- that's
crazy.

STODDARD THORSEN
Thank you.

Richie looks down, defeated.

ANTHONY AMADO
Even to entrap Tellegio it's crazy.
But you can have the Sherman Suite -
-

STODDARD THORSEN
NO.

ANTHONY AMADO
--Stoddard, please -- To go and get
me some congressmen. Go get some
congressmen taking bribes. I want
to pinch us some congressmen, ok?
You come back to me. I’m proud of
you.

RICHIE DIMASO
Thank you.
(then as an afterthought)
And Stoddard.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Richie Dimaso and Stoddard Thorsen have a heated confrontation in the FBI field office, leading to physical violence when Richie smashes Stoddard with a phone base. Both reach for their guns, but no one gets shot. Anthony Amado intervenes, attempting to refocus the conversation on their mission to entrap Victor Tellegio and get congressmen on a wire. The scene is tense and confrontational, with significant visual elements of violence and a hint of danger.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex character motivations
  • High-stakes conflicts
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Character changes could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up high stakes through intense dialogue and confrontations, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intersecting worlds of politics, organized crime, and undercover operations is intriguing and well-executed, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the plan to entrap Victor Tellegio and the escalating conflicts between the characters, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of political corruption and criminal intrigue, offering a unique take on the crime genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters display depth and conflicting motivations, adding layers to the narrative. Richie's passion and Stoddard's internal conflict are particularly compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Richie's internal struggle and Stoddard's moral dilemma show some character development, but more significant changes could enhance the impact of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Richie's internal goal is to prove himself as a capable and successful con artist, driven by his desire for recognition and validation. His fear of failure and need for approval are reflected in his actions and dialogue.

External Goal: 7

Richie's external goal is to entrap Victor Tellegio and expose corruption in politics and organized crime. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene, as he navigates the complexities of his con operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and heightening the tension between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension and drama of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the plan to entrap Victor Tellegio, the conflicts between the characters, and the potential consequences of their actions, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a crucial plan to entrap Victor Tellegio and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the unexpected twists in the plot. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of entrapment and corruption. Richie's willingness to go to extreme lengths to achieve his goals clashes with Stoddard and Amado's concerns about the legality and morality of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and unease, especially in the confrontations between the characters, but could benefit from more emotional depth to fully engage the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and drives the tension of the scene, revealing the characters' true intentions and escalating the conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dynamic character interactions, and unpredictable plot developments. The tension and conflict keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see how the situation unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The use of flashbacks and intercutting adds visual interest and depth to the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that effectively builds tension and reveals key plot points. The shifts between locations and timelines enhance the pacing and rhythm of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with intense violence, which may be unnecessary and could potentially turn off viewers.
  • The dialogue is a bit unclear and difficult to follow. It's not immediately clear what Richie is trying to accomplish or why he is so upset.
  • The introduction of the gun adds an unnecessary level of danger and tension to the scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or payoff.
  • The characters' motivations are not clear. It's not clear why Richie is so angry or why he is willing to go to such extreme lengths to get his way.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a less violent moment that establishes the conflict between Richie and Stoddard.
  • Make the dialogue more clear and concise. State Richie's goals and motivations more explicitly.
  • Remove the gun from the scene. It's not necessary and only serves to increase the tension without adding anything to the plot.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Show Richie and Stoddard coming to some sort of agreement or resolution.
  • Develop the characters' motivations more fully. Explain why Richie is so angry and why he is willing to go to such extreme lengths to get his way.



Scene 33 -  Resolving Conflicts: From Court Corridor to Plaza Hotel
143 INT. CORRIDOR - OLD FEDERAL COURT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 143

Richie and Stoddard walk down large, echoey Federal building
corridor. Stoddard walking ten feet ahead turns and points at
Richie.

STODDARD THORSEN
(shouts bitterly)
Good luck keeping your job, by the
way, and staying out of jail -- and
not being killed by the Mob. But
other than that you're doing a
great job.

Stoddard turns and storms off.
115.


RICHIE DIMASO
(as Stoddard walks away)
What's the end of the ice fishing
story?

STODDARD THORSEN
I'm not telling you the end of the
ice fishing story.

RICHIE DIMASO
I’m going to call your fucking
brother and find out from him.

STODDARD THORSEN
My brother’s dead.

RICHIE DIMASO
That's how it ends. He fell through
the fucking ice.

STODDARD THORSEN
(shouts bitterly)
No it’s not. He died a different
way, many years later.

He storms off and leaves Richie staring in the hallway.


EXT. PLAZA HOTEL -- DAY

Establishing.


145 INT. PLAZA HOTEL - GENERAL SHERMAN SUITE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 145

Richie walks out of a surveillance room and down the hallway
to where Irv and Sydney wait.

RICHIE DIMASO
Listen I know it’s awkward and I
just want to say I’m sorry,
alright? I think we can stick
together and still fulfill our
goal. I mean, we got the Sherman
Suite.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You got the whole floor?

RICHIE DIMASO
We got the whole floor, yeah.

EDITH GREENSLY
That’s good.
116.


RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, you ok?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yeah. You?

Richie gestures to his eye that Sydney smashed with the
picture frame. He’s got a few little scabs.

RICHIE DIMASO
It’s alright. I got hit a little
bit. My eye. It’s a little blurry
but I got drops at the pharmacy.

Richie looks over to Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Hey, you OK?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, I’m good --

Richie looks back over to Sydney

RICHIE DIMASO
Listen, I’m sorry.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I’m sorry.

RICHIE DIMASO
(to Irving)
I’m sorry Irving.

Irving doesn’t know what to say, starts to say something
twice, stops, can’t think of what to say. Leaves Richie
hanging.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Richie and Stoddard get into a heated argument in a federal court building corridor, resulting in Stoddard storming off. Richie, feeling remorseful, later goes to the Plaza Hotel and apologizes to Irv, Sydney, and Edith for his behavior, bringing the tension to an end.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled confrontation
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of tension, humor, and drama. The confrontation between characters adds depth to the story and keeps the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, which involves a confrontation at the Plaza Hotel, is well-executed and adds to the overall plot development.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the confrontation and the decisions made by the characters, leading to further complications and developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the threat of the Mob and the characters' complex relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his composure and control in the face of adversity. He wants to keep his job, stay out of jail, and survive the threats from the Mob.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to work with his team to achieve their goal of securing the Sherman Suite in the Plaza Hotel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is high, leading to intense moments and emotional confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that create uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing potential consequences for their actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, decisions, and developments that will impact the plot in significant ways.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected reactions and unresolved tensions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral choices and the consequences of their actions. It challenges their beliefs about loyalty, trust, and forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the characters and the audience, especially in the moments of confrontation and revelation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the tensions and emotions between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflicts between characters and the high stakes involved.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene adds to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical structure for a dramatic confrontation, with escalating tension and emotional stakes.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It seems to be a filler scene that doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters don't speak like real people, and their interactions feel forced.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be significantly shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene doesn't add anything new to the story or characters. It's simply a rehash of what we've already seen before.
  • The scene is predictable and lacks any surprises. We can guess exactly what's going to happen next.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the scene entirely or significantly shortening it.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Introduce a new element or character to the scene to add some intrigue.
  • Change the setting or time period of the scene to create a more unique and memorable experience for the reader.



Scene 34 -  Sting Operation in the General Sherman Suite
INT. PLAZA HOTEL - GENERAL SHERMAN SUITE - DAY

Richie directs where cameras should be concealed. AGENTS
SCHMIDT AND STOCK FOLLOW MAKING NOTES IN PADS.

RICHIE DIMASO
You can put a camera here. And we
get it all on film. You like it?

EDITH GREENSLY
I do.

RICHIE DIMASO
(to Schmidt)
Give me those flowers.
(MORE)
117.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT'D)
If we put the flower base here and
put a camera in there we can get a
clear shot of the couch there where
we can put the congressmen.

Irving, sitting on the couch, looks kind of disturbed by
this.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s right. That’s the idea.


146 INT. MAYOR CARMINE POLITO’S OFFICE - DAY 146

RICHIE DIMASO (O.S.)
And Carmine will go to jail after
he delivers us the congressmen soon
to be felons.

Carmine’s aid MELORA answers a ringing phone as Carmine sits
at his desk.

MELORA
Congressman O’Connell is on the
phone --

PUSH IN ON

CARMINE POLITO
I got to take this you guys
everyone out please.

Dolly Polito, checking the unwatered plants in her husbands
office with her coat on, she has just stopped by. Turns and
holds up a parched and dying houseplant.

DOLLY POLITO
This is sad. It’s just sad.

CARMINE POLITO
Dolly please, I gotta take this.

DOLLY POLITO
Ok, sorry. Everyone out. Go out.

CARMINE POLITO
(picks up phone)
Congressman, how you doing? It’s
Carmine. Tell me you're gonna be in
Trenton this week. We have an
amazing investment opportunity I'd
like to discuss with you.

SMASH TO:
118.


INT. PLAZA HOTEL - GENERAL SHERMAN SUITE - DAY

Richie on a black and white surveillance camera as he shows
the briefcase full of money.

RICHIE DIMASO
I’m federal agent Richard Dimaso.
I've placed seventy-five thousand
dollars into this briefcase for
Representative John O'Connell of
the Ninth District.

SMASH TO:


148 EXT. STATE CAPITOL - TRENTON, NEW JERSEY - DAY 148

Carmine shakes hands with REP. JOHN O’CONNELL --

CARMINE POLITO
Congressman, thank you for coming
by, John --

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
Representative O'Connell was
contacted by Carmine Polito to ask
if he could obtain rapid
citizenship through an act of
Congress for one Sheik Abdullah,
investor.

They walk up the capitol steps.

CARMINE POLITO
You wanna talk jobs, investment,
construction, if we can expedite a
very wealthy man’s citizenship --


149 INT. SHERMAN SUITE, PLAZA HOTEL - NIGHT 149

150 CAMERA PANS TO HOLE IN CORNER and CAMERA LENS -- 150

152 152

RICHIE DIMASO
How you doing congressmen?

JOHN O’CONNELL
I’m excited to be here.

CARMINE POLITO
This brings the state back. I mean,
how long we known each other?
(MORE)
119.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT'D)
You know what this is gonna do for
us? This is huge for the state of
New Jersey. It stabilizes our
economy.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Hotels. Restaurants. It’s waiting
to happen. Carmine sees it, this
fucking thing is waiting to happen.

CARMINE POLITO
The goddamn bankers. Keeping their
money on the sidelines. How we
supposed to get anything done?

JOHN O’CONNELL
Bankers only put money in the game
when they can reap insane profit.

Richie staring, mesmerized by this trap.

RICHIE DIMASO
The only problem is this
citizenship situation. I mean, we
got to expedite it as soon as
possible.

JOHN O’CONNELL
Yeah, well I'll tell you, you came
to the right place.

Everyone looks tense and on edge before.

JOHN O’CONNELL (CONT’D)
I’ll make it happen.

CARMINE POLITO
Hey, this is going to happen.

Richie slides the briefcase in John’s direction.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
This is real. You understand? This
is real. On my family. On my kids.
On my life. On my work.

JOHN O’CONNELL
I know that, Carmine. You're a
good man

This hurts Irving to see his friends sincerity.
120.


153 ANOTHER DAY - ON GRAINY MONITOR 153

RICHIE DIMASO
(on grainy black and white)
I’m federal agent Richard Dimaso. I
am placing 75 thousand dollars in
this brief case for one
Representative Gerald Sanders of
the 3rd district.

SMASH TO:


154 -HAND SHAKES - REP. SANDERS SITS LOOKING WARILY AT BRIEFCASE 154

REP. SANDERS
I don’t want to do anything illegal-

CARMINE POLITO
Please Gerry. Use it as a campaign
donation. Whatever you want to do.

Richie slides the briefcase to him.


155 ANOTHER DAY 155

RICHIE DIMASO
(on grainy monitor)
I’m placing g $60,000 into an this
brief case for one Congressman Eric
Keshoygan of the 4th district --

ERIC KESHOYGAN
I’m going to do what I can to help
Carmine.

Irv watches in pain as he sits with them.

SMASH TO:


156 ANOTHER DAY 156

RICHIE DIMASO
A $100,000 into this briefcase for
two term United States Senator
Horton Mitchell of New Jersey.

A distinguished silver haired Senator, older.

HORTON MITCHELL
Atlantic City. All the way down the
shore. A mecca by the sea.
121.


Richie slides over the briefcase.

HORTON MITCHELL (CONT’D)
Carmine you’re beloved by your
people. Your constituency is not
even your constituency it’s your
family. That’s what you represent,
family.

CARMINE POLITO
One small thing we do for this man
is a huge thing we do for the
people of New Jersey. This is what
we can leave behind.

Irving can’t stand how hopeful his friend Carmine is being
because Irving knows Carmine is being set up. He gets up --

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
Irving what are you doing?

RICHIE DIMASO
Where you going?

IRVING ROSENFELD
(excusing himself
uncomfortably)
I just gotta go see a man about a
dog.

158 IRVING WALKS DOWN THE HALL VERY DISTORTED. HE GOES INTO THE 158
VIDEO ROOM WHERE STODDARD WATCHES THE SURVEILLANCE MONITORS
INTENSELY AS CARMINE CONTINUES TO STAND BEHIND HIS SINCERE
PLEDGES.

CARMINE POLITO
(on grainy monitor)
I appreciate this. On my family. On
my kids. This needs to happen. It’s
gotta happen. You’ve got my word

Irving walks out of the room --
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Richie DiSimo directs the placement of cameras in the General Sherman Suite for a sting operation, while Irving Rosenfeld, Carmine Polito, and other politicians discuss a development project and the bribe needed to expedite citizenship for an investor. Irving becomes increasingly uncomfortable with the illegal activities, ultimately deciding to leave the room. The scene highlights the tense atmosphere and Irving's internal struggle with the situation.
Strengths
  • Tension building
  • Intricate setup
  • Effective dialogue
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the main conflict of the story, showcasing the characters' motivations and the risks they are willing to take.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of setting up a bribery scheme involving congressmen and a sheik is engaging and sets the stage for the main conflict of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters execute their plan and the stakes are raised.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on political corruption and manipulation, with unique character dynamics and a focus on moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' motivations and personalities are effectively portrayed, especially Carmine's sincerity and Irving's internal conflict.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up potential changes and reveals the characters' true intentions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complex web of deceit and manipulation in order to achieve his own personal gain or advancement. This reflects his desire for power, recognition, and success in a corrupt world.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully execute the political scheme and manipulate the congressmen into making decisions that benefit him. This reflects his immediate challenge of maintaining control and influence over the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters engaging in a risky scheme that could have serious consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas, conflicting interests, and uncertain outcomes. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' choices and the consequences of their actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters risk their reputations and freedom in the bribery scheme.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up the main conflict and advancing the plot towards the climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting alliances, moral choices, and unexpected twists in the political scheme. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of the characters' actions and the ethical implications of their political manipulation. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, and forces him to confront the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to hopefulness, as the characters navigate the complex situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' intentions and the escalating tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, moral dilemmas, and complex character dynamics. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome of the political scheme.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of decision-making. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of decision-making. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too long and could benefit from being trimmed down to focus on the most important elements.
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural in places, and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, and it's not entirely clear what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • The characters' motivations are not always clear, which makes it difficult to understand their actions.
  • The scene could benefit from some additional tension or conflict to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting down the scene to focus on the most important elements, such as Richie directing where cameras should be concealed and Irving's discomfort with the situation.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more conversational and natural, using contractions and shorter sentences.
  • Add a clear sense of purpose or direction to the scene, such as having the characters discuss a specific plan or goal.
  • Give the characters clearer motivations for their actions, such as Richie's desire to catch Carmine red-handed and Irving's desire to protect his friend.
  • Add some additional tension or conflict to the scene, such as having Richie and Irving argue about the best way to proceed.



Scene 35 -  Rosalyn Reveals Irving's Activities to Pete
159 INT. HALLWAY OF SHERMAN SUITE, PLAZA -- CONTINUOUS 159

--into another room where Sydney on elegant gold couch, sits
alone. Surveillance equipment and room service trays are on
the coffee table.


160 INT. ANOTHER ROOM OF SHERMAN SUITE - CONTINUOUS 160

She watches Irving who is pacing anxiously and very wound up.
122.


IRVING ROSENFELD
(pacing)
I want to save us. I want to save
Carmine. It’s fucking killing me.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You know the only way to help
Carmine is through the Tellegio
thing.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It’s dangerous. We gotta get a wire
in there. We gotta make him feel
safe.

SYDNEY PROSSER
There’s only one thing that can
really fuck this up and that’s your
wife.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(pacing)
Yep.


161 EXT. DANNY’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL -- DAY 161

Rosalyn fixes Danny’s coat, hands him his lunch and sends him
off towards the school’s front door --

CLOSE UP: ROSALYN STARES INTO LENS. Emotional, a mixture of
sadness and hope. She holds a closed bottle of her favorite
nail finish and smells it nostalgically.

A BLACK SEDAN PULLS INTO THE FRAME, SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND
GETS IN. IT IS PETE MUSANE, TELLEGIO’S MOBSTER SHE FLIRTED
WITH AT THE CASINO.


162 INT. PETE MUSANE’S CADILLAC - DAY 162

He gently puts a hand on her knee. She leaves it there for a
moment before pushing it away. They stare at each other.


163 INT. MAISON D’LUC - HUNTINGTON, LONG ISLAND - DAY 163

A NICE RESTAURANT OVERLOOKING THE LONG ISLAND SOUND, LIGHT
CORAL COLORED TABLECLOTHS; THE PLACE FILLED WITH DAYLIGHT --
ROSALYN AND PETE SIT VERY CLOSE. QUIET. TOGETHER. IN SILENCE.
FEW BEATS. CONTENT.
123.


PETE MUSANE
I don't like your husband. You're
no good together. He doesn't
appreciate you. Hey, it happens.
It happened in my marriage. That's
why I went to Miami. Sometimes you
just gotta be tough. You gotta
stand up and you gotta leave, you
know?

Rosalyn looks at Pete smitten.

PETE MUSANE (CONT’D)
Sometimes you gotta let something
die to let something live. You’re
too beautiful to be unhappy.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I know. I mean, I don't want to
badmouth my husband, but let me
badmouth my husband for a second.
He just thinks that he knows
everything and he's so full of
shit. He's such a liar. He thinks
that I'm stupid, but I'm not
stupid. I hear him on the phone
arguing. He loves Carmine, but he
hates that other guy, that curly-
headed I.R.S. guy, or whatever
who's carting around my husband's
ex-lover, that redheaded whore.

PETE MUSANE
IRS?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Anyway. You can see that it drives
him crazy.

PETE MUSANE
You said IRS. What IRS guy? What
are you talking bout?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I hear them on the phone. I think
that he’s got Irv in some sort of
bind or something and he’s making
him do all of this stuff and so Irv
and Carmine right now are at the
Plaza Hotel throwing away all this
money at like Congress or whatever.
They’re giving money to congress or
something. I don’t really know but
I overheard it on the phone.
124.


Pete’s brow furrows - this is serious.

PETE MUSANE
You know I hate to do this to you
but I have to go talk to your
husband. My boss is already angry.
You stay here I’m going to give you
some money for a taxi home.

He puts cash in her hands.

PETE MUSANE (CONT’D)
You stay here. Get yourself some
dessert. Finish the bottle of
prosecco. I’m sorry.

Rosalyn and Pete hold hands as Rosalyn stares into his eyes.
Very emotional.

PETE MUSANE (CONT’D)
You alright?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(open, vulnerable)
I don't like change. It's really
hard for me. Sometimes I think that
I'll die before I change.

He kisses her.

PETE MUSANE
It's gonna be okay. You’re gonna
come live with me in Miami.

Pete gets up and walks. As he does:

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
164 Don’t hurt him too bad. He’s still 164
Danny’s father.

BACK TO:


165 ROSALYN AT TABLE ALONE, EMOTIONAL, VULNERABLE, HER LIFE IS 165
CHANGING.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this scene, Irving and Sydney discuss their plan to help Carmine using the Tellegio thing, but Irving is worried about the danger. Meanwhile, Rosalyn sends Danny off to school and meets with Pete Musane, a mobster from Tellegio, in a car and later at a restaurant. Rosalyn reveals to Pete that Irv is at the Plaza Hotel with Carmine, giving money to Congress. Pete leaves to talk to Irving, giving Rosalyn money for a taxi and reassuring her that everything will be okay. The main conflict in this scene is the danger of Irving and Sydney's plan to help Carmine, and Rosalyn's revelation about Irving's activities with Carmine and Congress. The scene ends with Pete leaving to talk to Irving.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion with multiple plot threads

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, tension, and character development to create a compelling and impactful moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of personal struggles, changing relationships, and criminal schemes is well-executed and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Rosalyn's personal life intersects with the criminal activities of the characters, setting the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dynamics in relationships and explores complex emotions with authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Rosalyn, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed, adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Rosalyn undergoes significant emotional changes and realizations in the scene, hinting at potential character growth and transformation in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to save himself and Carmine, reflecting his desire for redemption and protection of his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to make Carmine feel safe and secure in their dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains both internal and external conflicts, particularly in Rosalyn's emotional turmoil and the criminal schemes being discussed, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and uncertainty to the characters' decisions and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Rosalyn's personal life, relationships, and safety are at risk due to her involvement in criminal activities and potential betrayals.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future plot developments, particularly in the criminal schemes and personal dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character choices and plot developments, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around loyalty, trust, and sacrifice. Irving must navigate his loyalty to his wife and his commitment to Carmine's safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience through the vulnerable and heartfelt moments of the characters, especially Rosalyn, as she navigates personal and external challenges.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions, tensions, and conflicts present in the scene, enhancing the character interactions and plot development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high emotional stakes, moral dilemmas, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene focuses on Irving and Sydney discussing their plan to save Carmine through the Tellegio scheme, with Irving expressing both determination and concern about the risks involved.
  • Rosalyn's subplot involving Pete Musane provides an interesting contrast, as she confides in him about Irving's activities and her own unhappiness, unaware of the potential consequences of her actions.
  • The dialogue between Rosalyn and Pete is well-written, capturing the emotional turmoil and vulnerability of Rosalyn's situation.
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the hope and determination of Irving and Sydney's plan with the dangerous realities faced by Rosalyn and Pete, leaving the audience uncertain about the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene, such as close-ups on Rosalyn's expressions or Pete's hands as he places cash in her hand, to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Explore the inner conflict within Irving as he grapples with the risks and rewards of the Tellegio plan, providing more depth to his character.



Scene 36 -  Irv and Rosalyn's Heated Argument over Pete
166 EXT. PLAZA HOTEL -- DAY 166

Irv and Carmine down sidewalk leaving from The Plaza Hotel --

Pete Musane stands next to an open passenger side door, --
Irv and Carmine do not move, they stare at the open door.
125.


PAUL MCCARTNEY AND WINGS “LIVE AND LET DIE” STARTS OMINOUSLY.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

170 Rosalyn in full muumuu, wearing cleaning gloves and holding a 170
vacuum sings to LIVE AND LET DIE while Danny sits on the
couch watching her. Very intense.


171 INT. PETE MUSANE’S CADILLAC - “LIVE AND LET DIE” CONTINUOUS 171

Irving and Carmine sit up front with Pete driving and Dick
Helsing sits in the back seat looking angry.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - “LIVE AND LET
DIE” CONTINUOUS

Rosalyn continues to sing and gets more intense as the music
picks up.


INT. PETE MUSANE’S CADILLAC - “LIVE AND LET DIE” CONTINUOUS

Irving looks over to Pete nervously. Unsure of what’s going
to happen.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - “LIVE AND LET
DIE” CONTINUOUS

Rosalyn whips her head up and down, dancing manically through
the house.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Rosalyn sits on the bed with Danny with clothes all over the
place while smoking a cigarette.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Life is ridiculous and I would
never say anything bad about your
father in front of you but your
father is a sick son of a bitch.

DANNY
Daddy’s a sick son of a bitch?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Don’t repeat that. But yes.
126.


EXT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Irving’s Caddy comes screeching up to the house and parks in
the driveway. Irv get’s out and races inside.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Rosalyn is still sitting on the bed with Danny.

IRVING ROSENFELD (O.S.)
(shouts)
ROSALYN! ROSALYN!

Rosalyn looks scared.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
This is a real low in our
relationship! You know where I was
recently? I was in your boyfriend’s
fucking car! I saw your nail
polish.

SMASH TO:


INT. PETE MUSANE’S CADILLAC - FLASHBACK

IRVING LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THE BOTTLE OF ROSALYN’S NAIL
FINISH ON THE CAR SEAT -- HE PICKS IT UP, LOOKS AHEAD THROUGH
WINDSHIELD SMELLS IT, WORRIED. Carmine glances over his
shoulder anxiously at Dick Helsing in the back seat.

PETE MUSANE
What’s this I hear about your curly
haired friend working for the
Government?

CARMINE POLITO
What?! Who said that?

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s bullshit!

PETE MUSANE
Your wife.

Irving is surprised to hear this.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s bullshit.

CARMINE POLITO
Rosalyn?
127.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

IRVING ROSENFELD
(screams)
HE PUT A CANVAS BAG OVER MY HEAD!

SMASH TO:


INT. PETE MUSANE’S CADILLAC - FLASHBACK

A WHITE CANVAS BAG GARROTES OVER IRVING’S HEAD, FROM HELSING
IN THE BACK SEAT.

CARMINE POLITO
Hey, what the fuck?! --

PETE MUSANE
Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

DICK HOLDS A GUN TO THE BACK OF IRVING’S BAGGED HEAD.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

IRVING ROSENFELD
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? BECAUSE HE IS
TRYING TO KILL ME!

ROSALYN
What are you talking about?!

IRVING ROSENFELD
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU’RE DOING?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Get out of here! I’m not doing
anything!

IRVING ROSENFELD
WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO MUCH? YOU’RE
GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED!

Irving looks down to see Danny sitting there on the bed.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Danny. Come here buddy alright? Go
draw a picture or something.

Irving ushers Danny out of the room.
128.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You’re a real sick son of a bitch
for screaming at me like that in
front of Danny.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’M A SICK SON OF A BITCH? YOU’RE
TRYING TO GET ME FUCKING KILLED. OH
MY GOD!! YOU DRIVE ME SO FUCKING
CRAZY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU’RE
BOYFRIEND -- YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND
WILL KILL ME, HE’LL KILL DANNY, AND
HE’LL KILL YOU.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

IRVING ROSENFELD
He’s a mobster alright? That’s who
you’re dealing with.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Alright fine! Yes, I wanted to hurt
you but how do you think that I
feel all day when you leave me
alone all day? And all I’ve ever
wanted is for you to love me.
That’s all I ever wanted. And stay
married and for you to love me. And
that's why I'm going to Miami!

IRVING ROSENFELD
You’re NOT going to Miami.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
That's why I'm going to Miami with
Pete!

Irving picks up Rosalyn’s clothes from the bed where there is
an open suitcase, throws them back in the closet.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You are NOT going to Miami.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I finally found somebody who loves
me just like YOU always wanted.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Too dangerous. Miami? Not now. Too
dangerous.

Irv continue to throw clothes back into the closet.
129.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
He likes me just the way I am.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Not now. Everything has to stay
normal right now. And you’re going
to shut your mouth!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You told me that you wanted me to
find a nice quiet man!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh and what a DOOZY you picked!

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
He’s the one.

IRVING ROSENFELD
He’s the most dangerous guy ever.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT IRVING?! I
KNOW EVERYBODY THROUGH YOU! WHY
CAN’T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

Irving reaches for his heart pills but they fall out of his
hands and scatter on the floor. He bends down to grab them
and almost falls. Rosalyn helps him up.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Why aren’t you taking your heart
pills? Irving, what’s going on?
What kind of trouble are you in?!
What’s happening?

IRVING ROSENFELD
(out of breath)
I’ve got a plan.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
What’s happening?

Irving coughs and steps back. Out of breath and very winded.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ve got a plan.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You’ve got a plan? When did you get
it?
130.


IRVING ROSENFELD
It really fucking came to me when I
was inside of that canvas bag with
your boyfriend’s hands around my
throat. That’s when it really came
to me.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this intense scene, Irv and Carmine get into Pete's car after leaving the Plaza Hotel, while Rosalyn and Danny stay at home. Rosalyn sings to 'Live and Let Die' and reveals to Danny that Irv is a 'sick son of a bitch.' Irv comes home to confront Rosalyn about her relationship with Pete and her accusations about him working for the government. The main conflict in this scene is the argument between Irv and Rosalyn about her relationship with Pete and her accusations about Irv. The scene ends with Irv and Rosalyn still arguing, and Irv forbidding Rosalyn from going to Miami with Pete.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly melodramatic moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through intense confrontations and revelations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing dangerous secrets and escalating tensions within a marriage is executed well, adding depth to the characters and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly as secrets are revealed and conflicts escalate, setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime drama genre by focusing on the personal relationships and moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Rosalyn are well-developed and their emotional turmoil is portrayed convincingly, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Irving and Rosalyn undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, as their secrets are revealed and their relationship faces a crisis.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront his wife about her dangerous relationship and protect his family. This reflects his fear of losing control and his desire to maintain a sense of normalcy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to uncover the truth about his wife's involvement with dangerous individuals and protect his family from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potentially life-threatening situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving and Rosalyn reaches a boiling point, with high stakes and intense emotions driving the confrontations in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and conflicts that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involved in the scene, including threats to Irving's safety and the future of his marriage, heighten the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and revelations that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's values of loyalty and safety conflicting with his wife's desire for love and excitement. This challenges his beliefs about relationships and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high, as the audience is drawn into the characters' turmoil and the escalating tensions between them.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and confrontational, effectively conveying the escalating tensions and emotional turmoil between Irving and Rosalyn.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, dramatic conflict, and emotional stakes that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a mix of intense confrontations and slower moments to build tension and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with flashbacks and present-day events interwoven to build tension and reveal character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene is very dialogue-heavy, with long exchanges between Irving and Rosalyn. This can make it difficult for readers to follow the conversation and to stay engaged with the scene.
  • The dialogue is also somewhat repetitive, with Irving and Rosalyn going over the same points again and again. This can make the scene feel tedious and slow-paced.
  • The scene lacks clear stakes. It's not clear what Irving and Rosalyn are fighting about, or what they hope to achieve by arguing. This can make it difficult for readers to connect with the scene or to care about the outcome.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual interest. The characters are mostly just sitting and talking, and there's not much action or movement. This can make the scene feel static and boring.
  • The scene's ending is not satisfying. It's not clear what happens to Irving and Rosalyn, or what their relationship will be like going forward. This can leave readers feeling frustrated or disappointed.
Suggestions
  • Cut some of the dialogue and make the exchanges between Irving and Rosalyn more concise.
  • Vary the dialogue by giving each character a unique voice and perspective.
  • Add more stakes to the scene by making it clear what Irving and Rosalyn are fighting about and what they hope to achieve by arguing.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene by having the characters move around more or by adding some action or movement.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by making it clear what happens to Irving and Rosalyn and what their relationship will be like going forward.



Scene 37 -  Interrogation and Marital Strife
INT. PETE MUSANE’S CADILLAC - FLASHBACK

CARMINE POLITO
Take it off! Take the bag off his
head!

Dick pulls the bag off Irving’s head, his comb over is all
messed up. IRVING GASPS. Pete and Dick LAUGH --

IRVING ROSENFELD
We’ve got two million coming this
week!

PETE MUSANE
What do you think this is? You
think this is a fucking down
payment plan? Like were Sears of
Chevrolet?

IRVING ROSENFELD
You ask Victor if he wants two
million this week. That's real
money. Two million.

PETE MUSANE
Two million? How?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Wired in.


172 EXT. MADISON AVENUE - FLASHBACK - CONTINUOUS 172

They LAUGH, Irving’s hair is all messed up.

Pete patches out. Irving and Carmine are a mess, shirts
ripped open, no buttons, they look at each other VERY SHAKEN.

CARMINE POLITO
Is it true? Is it true what he
said about your wife?

IRVING ROSENFELD
It's not fucking true. That's not
true.
131.


INT. IRV AND ROSALYN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can save all of us, and we can
save money. I can take care of you
and Danny. OK? But you gotta close
your mouth.

Rosalyn looks satisfied and points her finger at Irving.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I knew it. I have always said,
Irving, that you are very, very
hard to motivate properly. And I
knew that Pete was gonna go over
there and knock some sense into
you. I've been reading this book,
Irving. It's by Wayne Dyer, about
the power of intention.

Irving can’t believe what he’s hearing right now.

Rosalyn, very satisfied, reaches over the bed and grabs a
book.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
And my intention in sending Pete
over to you was so that you could
come up with this plan. So, you're
welcome.

Irving incredulous, thinks to himself how to respond. Forces
himself to say gently --

IRVING ROSENFELD
OK. Thank you, Rosalyn. Thank you
for the plan.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You’re welcome.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I appreciate that. So, I think that
we should be partners on this.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I’m a good partner. Almost better
than Edith. You ever think about
that? You ever think about how you
might have underestimated me?

IRVING ROSENFELD
So what is our plan? Tell me the
plan. What are you gonna do?
132.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I’m going to keep my mouth shut and
I’m not going to say anything but
what do I do if Pete calls me? What
am I supposed to say?

IRVING ROSENFELD
You gotta stop talking about your
government agencies and your I.R.S.
and your tax and your conspiracies
and all of that. You're gonna say
how you were wrong, you were wrong
about that.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I’ll tell Pete that I was wrong but
you know that in real life, I was
right for saying all that stuff
because then that spurred on the
actions that made you come up with
this plan. So I will tell Pete.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(holding his head)
OK.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
(pointing with cigarette
between fingers)
The power of intention Irving. The
power of intention.

Irv is doing everything he can to hold it together.

IRVING ROSENFELD
OK. You were right.

Rosalyn gets up from the bed and walks over to Irving.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You're so smart. Good job, peaches.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving, I've been doing a lot of
thinking and -- you need to grow
up. And you need to face the
facts. And I think that both of us
will be a lot happier if we get a
divorce.

As he listens to words he has been saying himself for months,
now spoken as Rosalyn’s idea.
133.


IRVING ROSENFELD
OK.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Just think about it. (kisses him)
These things are never easy.

Irving starts walking away towards the door.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Alright.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving. Good luck with your plan.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a flashback, Irving Rosenfeld is interrogated by Pete Musane and Carmine Polito about money, leading to a tense exchange. The scene then transitions to Irving and his wife Rosalyn discussing their future and the possibility of divorce in their bedroom. The conflict surrounding Irving's financial dealings remains unresolved, while the potential divorce is hinted at. The scene is emotionally tense and introspective, with moments of humor and resignation.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and intense, with strong emotional moments and significant character development. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the plot forward and setting up future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of manipulation, power dynamics, and personal growth is well-executed in this scene, adding depth to the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Rosalyn reveals her manipulative side and suggests divorce, creating tension and conflict between the characters. The scene sets up future developments and adds layers to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, offering fresh perspectives on familiar themes of crime and deception. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Irving and Rosalyn are well-developed in this scene, with Rosalyn showing a new side to her personality and Irving facing internal and external conflicts. Their interactions drive the scene and set up future character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

Both Irving and Rosalyn undergo significant changes in this scene, with Rosalyn revealing a manipulative side and suggesting divorce, while Irving faces internal and external conflicts. Their relationship dynamics shift, setting up future character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to save himself and his loved ones while maintaining his composure and control over the situation. He wants to come up with a plan to handle the challenges he is facing.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to come up with a plan to handle the two million dollars that are coming in and to navigate the dangerous world of organized crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Irving and Rosalyn, as well as their internal conflicts, creates tension and drama in the scene. The power struggle and manipulation add layers to the conflict and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and challenges for the characters, creating suspense and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in this scene as Rosalyn reveals her manipulative side and suggests divorce, potentially changing the course of the characters' relationships and the overall plot. The power struggle and deception raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new aspects of the characters' personalities, setting up future conflicts, and advancing the plot. The power struggle between Irving and Rosalyn adds depth to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the power of intention and the consequences of one's actions. Rosalyn believes in the power of intention, while Irving is more focused on practical solutions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, with moments of tension, satisfaction, resignation, and manipulation. The characters' emotional states drive the scene and engage the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and driving the plot forward. The exchanges between Irving and Rosalyn are particularly engaging and reveal their complex relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense interactions between characters and the high stakes involved in their decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue is a bit repetitive and could be streamlined to make it more concise.
  • The scene's end is somewhat unclear. It's not entirely clear what happens to Irving and Rosalyn after their conversation.
Suggestions
  • Move the dialogue in the first part of the scene to the part where Irving and Rosalyn are in bed.
  • Reduce the number of times Irving and Rosalyn repeat themselves. For example, rename the scene “The Plan” and play the scene without dialogue – just the visuals of Rosalyn and Irving hashing out their agreement.
  • Add a more definitive ending to the scene, such as Irving and Rosalyn agreeing to work together or Rosalyn leaving the room.



Scene 38 -  Sting Operation in Simone's Law Office
EXT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY - DAY

The spare rhythmic intro of Jeff Lynne’s “Long Black Road”
plays as Richie looks back over his shoulder and walks
towards the building with intensity.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Necessity truly is the mother of
invention. The F.B.I. was willing
to wire the two million dollars if
it meant taking down Tellegio and
his entire organization.


INT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY

Brenda in her office.

Amado looking very pleased on the telephone.


178A EXT. LEXINGTON AVENUE - DAY 178A

Irving walks with Richie and Sydney up to an office building.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
A mobster like Tellegio would never
meet at the Plaza Hotel, but only
at the office of his attorney,
Alfonse Simone.

They walk into mob lawyer Simone's building.


178B INT. LOBBY OF BUILDING - DAY 178B

On an old faded directory: 7TH FLOOR: ALFONSE SIMONE #701
134.


178C INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 178C

THEY STAND TENSE IN ELEVATOR NOT SPEAKING.


178D INT. RECEPTION AREA - SIMONE LAW OFFICE - DAY 178D

They open door to large, spare reception area of Alfonse
Simone’s law office. MIDDLE AGED SECRETARY looks up and picks
up the phone.


178E INT. HALLWAY OF ALFONSE SIMONE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 178E

NEARBY AT A SMALL TABLE SYDNEY IS FRISKED BY A BLACK MAN IN A
SUIT, SHE SUSTAINS EYE CONTACT WITH IRVING AND RICHIE AS THEY
ARE ALSO FRISKED BY ANOTHER MAN IN A SUIT ACROSS THE ROOM. --
THE CONTENTS OF SYDNEY’S PURSE ARE EMPTIED AND EXAMINED ALONG
WITH HER PURSE. IT IS TENSE. SYDNEY STARES AT A NERVOUS
RICHIE; THEIR MICROPHONES HAVE GONE UNDETECTED. “LONG BLACK
ROAD” CONTINUES AS CAMERA FOLLOWS THE BACK OF THE THICK NECK
OF THE MAN IN THE SUIT AS HE LEADS THEM DOWN A WINDING NARROW
OFFICE CORRIDOR. IN ONE SHOT THE DOOR OPENS, JEFF LYNNE’S
SONG SHIFTS TO A LIGHTER THAN AIR PIANO BREAK.


178F INT. ALFONSE SIMONE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 178F

ALFONSE SIMONE- 64, BRONX, SEASONED LAWYER.

Alfonse Simone rises from behind his desk. A silent secretary
sitting at his side in a white dress stares at our heros as
Simone steps forward to introduce himself.

ALFONSE SIMONE
Alfonse Simone.

Edith walks up to him to shake hands. He shakes hands with
Irving and Richie as well. Man in the suit closes the door
behind them.

EDITH GREENSLY
Edith Greensly.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Irving Rosenfeld.

RICHIE DIMASO
Good afternoon.

ALFONSE SIMONE
Please, be seated.
135.


They sit in three chairs facing Simone’s desk: Sydney/Edith,
Richie, Irving.

Simone sits behind his desk, the silent secretary sits just
behind him slightly to the side, stares at Edith, Richie,
Irving.

ALFONSE SIMONE (CONT’D)
I appreciate the fact that you all
came in person, but the trip was
really unnecessary because this
whole thing could have been done
with a simple wire transfer. As a
matter of fact this is the number
of our wire right here.

Simone slides a small pink piece of paper across the desk to
them. Richie stares at the paper, but doesn’t touch it.

RICHIE DIMASO
Where is Mr. Tellegio?

ALFONSE SIMONE
Mr. Tellegio unfortunately was
called out of town on business.

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s not good. We were willing to
come here today, in person, to see
Mr. Tellegio, as a sign of respect
to give two million dollars --

ALFONSE SIMONE
I can assure you that I have the
power of attorney --

RICHIE DIMASO
Excuse me. If you'll let me finish,
we are willing to give two million
dollars today of the ten. But
without Mr. Tellegio here --

IRVING ROSENFELD
(to Simone)
We can't, we can't make that
decision. It's not the right thing.
It's not the right time. It's just
not good.

EDITH GREENSLY
(to Irving across Richie)
You don't have the authorization to
make this kind of choice so don't
be hasty, alright?
136.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I'm not being hasty. It's just,
let's be smart about it. This is
not how we do business. (to Simone)
I'm sorry. I apologize.

Richie motions with his hand to Edith that he agrees with
Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO
He's right, we can't.

EDITH GREENSLY
I think you should hang in there.

RICHIE DIMASO
For what? The guy's not here.

IRVING ROSENFELD
He isn't.

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s it.

He stands, goes to the door.

IRVING ROSENFELD
This is a surprise. The Sheik
doesn’t like surprises.

Edith turns in her chair to face them in the doorway.

EDITH GREENSLY
Don’t leave.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(in doorway with Richie)
Edith, this is not your decision to
make.

EDITH GREENSLY
I understand but maybe we can call
the Sheik. Let’s call the Sheik.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That's not the plan. That's not
the --

Edith locks eyes with Richie. Richie stares at Edith, waves
Irving off with his hand.

RICHIE DIMASO
No, let's -- I'll call the Sheik.
(to Simone) Can I use your phone?
137.


ALFONSE SIMONE
Please do.

RICHIE DIMASO
(to Alfonse Simone)
I don't know if he's in, I'll call
the Sheik. But before I do, I'd
like to go over specifically what
this money will be used for.

ALFONSE SIMONE
What we will do is we guarantee all
proper licenses and construction
permits for any hotel casino that
plans to open before the end of the
year.

Richie glances down at Edith and her handbag. PUSH IN ON A
TINY MICROPHONE WE NOW SEE CLEVERLY BUILT INTO THE HANDLE OF
EDITH’S GUCCI BAG.

ALFONSE SIMONE (CONT’D)
And we'll throw in the customary
privileges and protection.

RICHIE DIMASO
What if there are obstacles, what
will you do?

ALFONSE SIMONE
Obstacles? We are prepared to
overcome any obstacles.

RICHIE DIMASO
This is a big enterprise.

ALFONSE SIMONE
If we have to pay somebody off,
we'll pay somebody off. If we have
to lean on somebody, intimidate
somebody, we'll intimidate
somebody. We're experienced. This
is our business.

RICHIE STARES AT SIMONE.

RICHIE DIMASO
That's powerful stuff. Thank you.

IRVING STARES AND SYDNEY LOOKS AT RICHIE.
138.


ALFONSE SIMONE
And I'll tell you something else.
At the end of this we'll teach you
how to skim and how to cut it up
and make some money on the side.
Because we invented skimming. We've
been doing it for thirty years.

A smile creeps across Richie’s face.

RICHIE DIMASO
Thank you. Thank you for clarifying
that.

Richie picks up the phone to dial.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I think that will be OK for the
Sheik.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene, Richie, Irving, and Sydney meet Alfonse Simone, a mob lawyer, to deliver a payment as part of a sting operation. After a thorough frisking, the group finds themselves in a negotiation they didn't expect, as Simone reveals the payment is unnecessary. Irving and Sydney insist on seeing Tellegio, but Richie takes the lead, pretending to call Tellegio and negotiating the terms. The scene ends with Richie on the phone and Simone offering to teach them about skimming.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes negotiation
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Subtle character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a crucial plot development, keeping the audience engaged with its high-stakes negotiation and underlying sense of danger.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of negotiating a large sum of money with a mob lawyer adds depth to the story and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the characters navigate a complex financial deal, leading to potential consequences and conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the intricacies of negotiation and deception in a high-stakes environment. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters display their individual traits and motivations during the negotiation, showcasing their differing approaches and priorities.

Character Changes: 6

The characters' positions and relationships shift slightly as they navigate the negotiation, but the changes are more subtle than transformative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate a dangerous situation with mobsters and lawyers while maintaining control and making strategic decisions. This reflects his need for power and control in high-pressure situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to negotiate a deal with the mob lawyer and gather information on the mobster's operations. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with dangerous criminals and making a risky business deal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, their differing agendas, and the high stakes of the negotiation create a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the negotiations.

High Stakes: 9

The negotiation involves a large sum of money, potential risks, and interactions with dangerous individuals, heightening the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key financial transaction and setting the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the negotiations will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between legality and criminality, as the characters navigate the ethical implications of dealing with mobsters and engaging in illegal activities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on tension and suspense than emotional depth, the high stakes and potential consequences evoke a sense of anxiety and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' intentions and creating tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, tense interactions, and strategic negotiations. The dialogue and character dynamics keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The use of visual cues enhances the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively builds tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a voice-over by Irving Rosenfeld, but it's not clear why he's narrating or what his perspective is. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with the scene and understand what's going on.
  • The dialogue is mostly expositional, with characters explaining their plans and motivations. This makes the scene feel more like a business meeting than a dramatic moment.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. The characters are all working together towards a common goal, and there's no sense of danger or urgency.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn much about their backgrounds or motivations, and they all come across as one-dimensional.
  • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the expositional dialogue and focusing on the more dramatic moments.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more engaging hook. For example, you could open with a close-up of Irving's face as he's being questioned by the FBI.
  • Give Irving a clear goal for the scene. For example, he could be trying to convince Richie to let him go.
  • Raise the stakes by adding some conflict to the scene. For example, Irving could be threatened by Richie's men.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more backstory and motivation. For example, you could reveal that Irving is a desperate man who's trying to save his family.
  • Tighten up the scene by cutting out some of the expositional dialogue. For example, you could remove the part where Irving explains his plan to Richie.



Scene 39 -  Undercover Operation Success and Irving's Revelation Leading to a Violent Confrontation
INT. BRENDA’S FBI WIRE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

AMADO, STODDARD, BRENDA.

ANTHONY AMADO
This is the Sheik.

RICHIE DIMASO
(on phone)
Mr. Tellegio is not here. It's
just Mr. Alfonse Simone, his
lawyer. Are we still ok to wire the
money?

ALFONSE SIMONE
Simone can take the money. What’s
the number?

RICHIE DIMASO
5317AP

Amado writes it down and hands it to Brenda to call in.

BRENDA
The funds have been transferred.

ANTHONY AMADO
(on phone to Richie)
The funds have been transferred.

Amado nods: victory. BACK TO:
139.


INT. ALFONSE SIMONE’S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Richie hangs up.

RICHIE DIMASO
The money’s been wired.

ALFONSE SIMONE
I think we have a deal.

RICHIE DIMASO
Yes we do sir.

ALFONSE SIMONE
Pleasure doing business with you.

RICHIE DIMASO
Okay, well, thank you very much,
Mr. Simone.

RICHIE SMILES, SYDNEY LOOKS AT IRVING, WHO LOOKS PREOCCUPIED.
PUSH IN ON IRVING.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
The Sheik’s very excited.

ALFONSE SIMONE
I’m sure that we’ll be seeing each
other.

Richie and team start to walk out.

RICHIE DIMASO
(grinning)
Oh I’m sure we’ll be seeing each
other very soon. You may even get
sick of me, like these two.

ALFONSE SIMONE
I don’t think I’ll get sick of you.
Nice meeting you.

Richie, Edith, and Irving walk down the hall after leaving
his office. Richie smiles as the opening of Bowie’s “The Jean
Genie” momentously starts. Edith smiles as she walks down the
hall followed by Irving. Richie puts his hand on the door
knob to exit the hallway.


178H INT. AMADO’S OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 178H

THE DOOR OPENS IN A TIMECUT, RICHIE IN SUNGLASSES, HIS JACKET
IS OFF, HE BEAMS AND CELEBRATES AND EXHORTS A ROOM FULL OF
FBI AGENTS, ADMINISTRATORS, SECRETARIES.
140.


THE JEAN GENIE PLAYS ENERGETICALLY AS RICHIE CELEBRATES WITH
EVERYONE, LIKE IN A LOCKER ROOM, HIS FIST IN THE AIR.

RICHIE DIMASO
FINALLY! FINALLY WE GET SOME
RESPECT!

AMADO SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH CIGAR IN ONE HAND AND DRINK IN
THE OTHER. VERY EXCITED AND LAUGHING AS HE POINTS AT RICHIE.

ANTHONY AMADO
(shouts through clamor)
We’re ambitious, that’s why!

Richie suddenly moves to the reel to reel surveillance tape
and quiets the room, the music momentarily stops as we hear
Alfonse Simone on the surveillance tape.

RICHIE DIMASO
Shh, shh, shh!

ALFONSE SIMONE (ON SURVEILLANCE TAPE)
If we have to pay somebody off,
we'll pay somebody off. If we have
to lean on somebody, intimidate
somebody, we'll intimidate
somebody.

Richie joyfully lip synchs to the rhythm of Simone’s
incriminating words on tape.

RICHIE DIMASO
(in unison with Simone on
tape)
-- If we have to lean on somebody,
intimate somebody, we'll intimidate
somebody!!

RICHIE THROWS HIS FIST IN THE AIR AND CHEERS, JOINED BY
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM. BOWIES “THE JENE GENIE” COMES BACK
LOUD.

179 RICHIE TURNS AND TWIRLS A WHITE HAIRED FBI AGENT IN 179
CELEBRATION, LAUGHING WITH JOY. THEN GOES OVER TO A SULKING
STODDARD AND HUMPS HIM LIKE AT A FRAT PARTY, LAUGHING WITH
EVERYBODY AT STODDARD’S STIFFNESS. STODDARD GETS UP AND
RICHIE SMACKS HIS ASS AS HE LEAVES THE ROOM. RICHIE IMITATES
STODDARD TO ROARING LAUGHTER -- TWICE.

THE MUSIC CRESCENDOS TO AN ABRUPT STOP.
141.


180 EXT. CARMINE POLITO’S CAMDEN NJ CLAPBOARD HOME - DAY 180

Irving’s big blue car pulls up to the lens. Irving and Sydney
looking a little uneasy.

Irving stares at the house.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I gotta do it.


181 INT. CARMINE’S LIVING ROOM - DAY 181

CARMINE POLITO
What do you mean, there's no sheik?
What does that mean, "there's no
sheik"? What does that mean?

Carmine stares at Irving.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I want to face you like a man
because I want to be real now.

CARMINE POLITO
Who is "they"?

Irving looks distressed. He’s a wreck.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It’s the Feds.

CARMINE POLITO
The Feds?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah.

CARMINE POLITO
Irving -- I'm a good person

IRVING ROSENFELD
You are!

Carmine stands up and looks around the room, disoriented, his
life passing before his eyes.

CARMINE POLITO
I’ve been doing this for a long
time, for twenty years. Do you
think I woulda taken that money if
it wasn't the right thing to do?
142.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey look, you’re a good person I
know that but in all honesty --

CARMINE POLITO
(screams)
You said that was the only way,
Irv. You chased me, remember?

IRVING ROSENFELD
They fuckin' made me do it. What
was I supposed to do? They had Syd
in jail.

CARMINE POLITO
You made me go back to the Plaza to
take that money, you piece of shit!
I was gone! You fucking prick!

CARMINE BEATS IRVING DOWN ON THE COUCH.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
I was gone, I left!

DOLLY WALKS IN.

DOLLY POLITO
Is everything alright? Can I have a
word with you?

CARMINE POLITO
(very upset)
No, please, Dolly, just go
upstairs. Take the kids and go
upstairs!

DOLLY POLITO
Alright, alright.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I want to make this right. I came
here because I want to make it
right.

Irving is in tears. Very upset.

CARMINE POLITO
Look at my face. You tell me that
I'm lying to you when I say that
everything I do is for the good of
the people of New Jersey.
Everything I do is for them. Am I
lying to you?
143.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I never had a friend like you
before.

CARMINE POLITO
I used that money for the goddamn
casino.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I got some leverage, alright? I can
help you out.

CARMINE POLITO
This is all shit. It's all
bullshit.

Carmine picks up the knife the Sheik gave him.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
Look at this thing. Look at this.
Ceremonial fucking knife. What is
this bullshit? Some toy?

He drops it on the table. Irving stares at his friend,
removes his glasses.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Carmine, Syd and I got a plan for
you. We can help you out.

CARMINE POLITO
Please get out of my house, Irving.
Will you please leave? I'm asking
you nicely, please leave.

Irving gets up to go and is pushed towards the door by
Carmine. Dolly joins Carmine in tears. Carmine’s kids stand
on the stairs.

DOLLY POLITO
Get out of our house!

IRVING ROSENFELD
I don’t want to -- (seeing kids)
I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this
to happen.

CARMINE POLITO
(to kids)
This is not our friend!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Truly, I didn't mean for this to
happen.
144.


Carmine points to his family.

CARMINE POLITO
This is what matters to me most and
you’re crushing it! You’re going to
take me away from them you fucking
son of a bitch? Get the fuck out!

183 Carmine lunges at Irving and punches him in the face. Irving 183
goes down to the ground and his glasses fly off his face.

CARMINE kicks him one last time.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(beaten, bloody on floor)
I just want to make it right.

CARMINE POLITO
Get out of my house. Look what you
made me do!

IRVING ROSENFELD
(stumbling out the door)
I’m sorry Carmine, I’m sorry.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Amado, Stoddard, Brenda, and DiMASO successfully wire money to Simone, Alfonse's lawyer, as part of their undercover operation. The team celebrates their victory with FBI agents. Meanwhile, Irving reveals the truth to Carmine, causing a heated confrontation and physical altercation, which remains unresolved. The scene ends with Irving leaving Carmine's house in tears, while Carmine and his family are left in shock and anger.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Powerful character dynamics
  • Significant plot development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, strong character dynamics, and significant plot development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, loyalty, and facing consequences is effectively portrayed through the interaction between Irving and Carmine.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as secrets are revealed, leading to a major turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the crime genre, with complex character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and well-developed, with their emotions and motivations driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both Irving and Carmine undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, leading to a shift in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove himself and gain respect within the FBI. This reflects his desire for validation and recognition of his abilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully wire money and complete a deal with Alfonse Simone. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a complex criminal operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Irving and Carmine is intense and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult moral choices and conflicting motivations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters confront betrayal, loyalty, and the consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality of the protagonist's actions and the ethical implications of working with criminals. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the raw and honest performances of the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and emotional, effectively conveying the conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, emotional conflicts, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the tension and drama of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and resolves conflicts. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a strong conflict or dramatic tension. The main action is Richie, Irving, and Sydney meeting with Alfonse Simone to deliver a payment. This scene could be more engaging if there were a more substantial conflict or obstacle that the characters had to overcome.
  • The dialogue is somewhat bland and doesn't reveal much about the characters. It would be more interesting if the dialogue were more revealing and helped develop the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow. It could be more engaging if the scene were more fast-paced and kept the audience on the edge of their seats.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot very much. It mostly just sets up the meeting between Richie, Irving, and Sydney and Alfonse Simone. This scene could be more effective if it advanced the plot more significantly.
  • The scene doesn't end with a strong hook or cliffhanger. This scene could be more effective if it ended with a stronger hook or cliffhanger that made the audience want to see what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Add a stronger conflict or dramatic tension to the scene. This could be done by raising the stakes for the characters or by creating a more urgent sense of danger.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more revealing and develop the characters. This could be done by giving the characters more depth and motivation and by making their interactions more meaningful.
  • Increase the pacing of the scene. This could be done by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action and by moving the story along more quickly.
  • Advance the plot more significantly. This could be done by adding a new plot point or by resolving an existing plot point.
  • End the scene with a stronger hook or cliffhanger. This could be done by leaving the audience with a question or by creating a sense of suspense.
  • Consider adding more visual interest to the scene. This could be done by using more varied camera angles and by adding more interesting props and set pieces.
  • Consider adding more humor to the scene. This could be done by using more clever dialogue or by creating more funny situations.



Scene 40 -  The Missing Two Million Dollars: A Confrontation and a Suspicion
184 EXT. CARMINE’S HOUSE - DAY 184

Irving staggers out of the house in an emotional daze, one
hand to his heart, falls to sidewalk with bloody nose and
broken glasses --

SYDNEY ACROSS THE STREET BURST OUT OF THE CAR.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Irving!

RUNS TO HIM IN HER HIGH HEELS -- HELPS HIM SIT UP ON THE
SIDEWALK.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Your heart pills. Where are your
heart pills?

She digs through his pockets, finds the pills, and feeds one
to him.

Sydney struggles to help Irving to his feet and together, an
embattled but surviving couple, they cross the street arm and
arm. She opens the door and helps him into the car.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ve got to lay down.
145.


SYDNEY PROSSER
Just rest.

She gets in and closes the door.


185 INT. IRVING’S CADILLAC - DAY 185

They both slump down on the seat, stare at each other,
emotional, humbled. Sydney gently removes Irving’s broken
glasses. They stare at each other, it is quiet.

SYDNEY PROSSER
(emotional, quiet)
Are you ready?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes.

They stare at each other.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
(whispers)
I love you.

She squeezes his hand, raises it to her lips and kisses it.


206 INT. AMADO’S OFFICE - DAY 206

TILT UP FROM THE FLOOR OF THE OFFICE TO RICHIE, AMADO, AND
STODDARD INTENSELY STARING AT THE DOOR FOR A CONFRONTATION,
LIKE IN A WESTERN. THE DOOR OPENS AS IRVING AND SYDNEY ENTER
AND STARE BACK AT THEM.

ANTHONY AMADO
Please. Come in. Sit down.

They all sit.

ANTHONY AMADO (CONT’D)
Do you know where our two million
dollars is?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Two million? (Irving pushes his new
glasses up the bridge of his nose)
It’s with Victor Tellegio and
Alfonse Simone.

ANTHONY AMADO
No, actually it’s not with Victor
Tellegio or Alfonse Simone.
146.


Richie stands by the window, stares angrily at Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO
He fucking knows about it.

ANTHONY AMADO
It’s gone missing. Did you know
that?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Where's it gone?

ANTHONY AMADO
That's interesting that you said
that because while you were on your
way over here, we got an anonymous
phone call from someone who said
that in exchange for immunity for
the two of you and a reduced
sentence for Carmine Polito we get
our two million dollars back.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That's interesting. That's very
interesting. I have no idea.

ANTHONY AMADO
No idea?

IRVING ROSENFELD
No idea what you're talking about.

Irving looks at Sydney who looks back at him and shakes her
head. She doesn’t know either.

ANTHONY AMADO
I got it. I understand how these
deals are made. See, someone has
leverage.

RICHIE DIMASO
Anthony, fuck them. It’s over. We
got them for wire fraud, it's over.
(to Irving and Sydney) You're done.
You're both done.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I don't think so.

RICHIE DIMASO
Oh, you don’t think so?
147.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Richard, think about it, YOU
requested the two million. And you
gave Brenda the account number. We
didn't do any of that. None of it.
(turns dramatically to face Richie)
How do we know that YOU don't have
the money?

RICHIE DIMASO
(Richie looks from Irving
to Sydney)
Am I living in a fucking nightmare
right now?

AMADO AND STODDARD STARE INCRIMINATINGLY AT RICHIE.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I find this a little offensive.
Really, I find this a little
offensive and I don't see that you
got any sort of solid case against--

RICHIE DIMASO
(to Amado and Stoddard)
Don't let him get in your heads.
Listen to me, we're dealing with a
very clever individual.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Richard, think about it. You got
some big arrests. You got U.S.
Congressmen. You look good. You're
gonna be all over the news. You
know what doesn't look good? A
story about gross incompetence

205 SMASH TO: 205

FLASHBACK -- RICHIE KICKS OPEN THE DOOR OF LAWYER ALFONSE
SIMONE’S OFFICE WITH A WARRANT IN HIS HAND AND TWO AGENTS
BEHIND HIM.

RICHIE DIMASO
I have a warrant for --

Richie looks around disoriented, we cannot see what he sees
yet.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I'm sorry, do I have the wrong
office?(checks number on the door)
Is this 701? Alfonse Simone?
148.


MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
This is 701.

-- WE REVEAL THE VOICE BELONGS TO A BLACK ATTORNEY -- TWO
BLACK CLIENTS ACROSS FROM HIM -- SEATED AT WHAT PREVIOUSLY
APPEARED TO BE THE DESK OF LAWYER ALFONSE SIMONE.

BLACK DIVORCE LAWYER
My name is Roger Thigpen. I’ve had
this office for 25 years. I’m a
divorce attorney.

RICHIE IS STUNNED.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Irving Rosenfeld, with a bloody nose and broken glasses, staggers out of his house and is helped by Sydney Prossser to his car. After taking his heart pills, they head to Amado's office where Richie DiSimo, Anthony Amado, and Stoddard are waiting. The group discusses the missing two million dollars, and Irving and Sydney deny any knowledge of its whereabouts. Tensions rise as Richie becomes suspicious of them, and the scene ends with Irving turning the tables, suggesting that Richie might be the one who has the money.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense conflict, emotional depth, and significant revelations that drive the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation leading to revelations and accusations is executed effectively, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the revelation of missing money and the characters' conflicting motivations, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre, with complex characters and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed, especially in the interactions between Irving and Sydney, showcasing their bond and internal struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Irving and Sydney's relationship undergoes a shift as they face challenges together, revealing new layers to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Irving's internal goal is to protect himself and Sydney from the consequences of their actions. He also wants to maintain their relationship and keep Sydney safe.

External Goal: 7

Irving's external goal is to navigate the dangerous situation with Amado and Stoddard and find a way to clear their names and retrieve the missing money.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with accusations, revelations, and tense confrontations driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with missing money, accusations of betrayal, and the characters' fates hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, revelations, and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty and self-preservation. Irving and Sydney must decide whether to protect each other or save themselves.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is significant, especially in the moments between Irving and Sydney, where their bond is tested amidst the chaos.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the confrontational tone of the scene and revealing key information through intense exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and the dynamic between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and emotional beats that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with escalating tension and a resolution.


Critique
  • This scene is a powerful and emotional climax to the film, but it could be improved in a few ways.
  • First, the dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and expository. For example, when Richie confronts Irving and Sydney about the missing money, he says, "I find this a little offensive. Really, I find this a little offensive and I don't see that you got any sort of solid case against--". This is a very direct way of stating Richie's suspicions, and it would be more effective if it were more subtle.
  • Second, the scene is a bit too long. It could be trimmed down by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and by making the action more concise.
  • Finally, the ending of the scene is a bit too ambiguous. It's not clear what happens to Irving and Sydney, or whether they will be able to get away with their crimes.
  • Overall, this scene is a strong and effective climax to the film, but it could be improved with a few small changes.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtle and indirect.
  • Trim down the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and by making the action more concise.
  • Add a more definitive ending to the scene that makes it clear what happens to Irving and Sydney.



Scene 41 -  Confrontation and Deception: Richie Dimaso vs. Sydney Prosser and Irving Rosenfeld
INT. AMADO’S OFFICE - DAY - BACK TO PRESENT

SYDNEY PROSSER
You lost two million dollars of
taxpayer money because you were
confused about the location and the
identity of Victor Tellegio's
attorney?

CUT TO:


INT. POOL PARTY - LONG ISLAND HOUSE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Where we first saw Irving at the pool party.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
The role of Tellegio's attorney,
Alfonse Simone, was played by our
friend Ed Malone --

Camera pans from Irving to Ed Malone:

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
the “Cold Cut King of Long Island”--

Ed Malone holds up two packages of cold cuts. Also holding
the cold cuts are the two that frisked everyone at Simone’s
office.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Whose party we were at when Sydney
and I first met.

Cut to Irving first meeting Sydney.

CUT TO:
149.


INT. ALFONSE SIMONE’S OFFICE - DAY - FLASHBACK

Ed Malone, dressed as Alfonse Simone, steps to camera to
shake Richie’s hand.

ED MALONE
Alfonse Simone.

CUT TO:


INT. ANTHONY AMADO’S OFFICE - DAY - BACK TO PRESENT

EDITH GREENSLY
People believe what they want to
believe Richie.

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s because you conned me! You
both fucking conned me. You both
got under me. You did!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Well that doesn't sound so good,
either. I mean -- and I don't know
what you're talking about, but --
let's just assume you want to go
with that story. Really? That's the
story you want to go with? That's
what you want the New York Times to
hear? That you got conned by the
very con men who you forced to
entrap the members of Congress in
the first place. That's what you
want to go with? That doesn't sound
so good for your whole thing.

Richie looks like he’s going to be sick.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
And how ironic that the most
creative minds, the ones who are
working hardest to get the economy
of New Jersey going, those are the
ones that you round up. And why?
Because what, they're the easiest
to go after? And what about the
real bullshit artists? You didn't
even come close to the big leagues.
Those big guys. The money men.

RICHIE DIMASO
That's what I was trying to go
after.
150.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I'm sorry to tell you, you got none
of 'em.

STODDARD THORSEN
You know, Richard, I think we may
call you as a witness, but
otherwise you're done. I think you
better go home.

Richie disoriented, appeals to Stoddard.

RICHIE DIMASO
Stoddard --

STODDARD THORSEN
Go on home, Richard.

ELO’s “10538 Overture” reprises on the soundtrack.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene, Richie Dimaso accuses Sydney Prosser and Irving Rosenfeld of conning him regarding their scheme involving Victor Tellegio's attorney. The confrontation takes place in Anthony Amado's office, interspersed with flashbacks to a pool party and Alfonse Simone's office. Ed Malone is revealed to have played the role of Alfonse Simone during the pool party where Sydney and Irving first met. Despite the confrontational dialogue, Richie's accusations are not fully addressed as Stoddard Thorsen dismisses him from the situation, ending the scene.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Complexity may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal to the plot, with strong character dynamics and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of deception, betrayal, and manipulation is effectively portrayed through the characters' interactions and the revelation of hidden motives.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as secrets are revealed, conflicts escalate, and the characters' true intentions come to light.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the use of flashbacks and multiple locations to enhance the storytelling. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and conflicting emotions driving their actions in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in their relationships, motivations, and perceptions, leading to dramatic shifts in the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to defend himself and his actions, while also trying to maintain control of the situation. This reflects his need for validation and power, as well as his fear of losing his reputation and authority.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the consequences of his actions and try to salvage his reputation and career. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing due to being exposed as a con man.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and multi-layered, with emotional, personal, and professional stakes at play, driving the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing personal, professional, and moral dilemmas that could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the characters' actions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of deception, power, and morality. The protagonist's beliefs about manipulation and success are challenged by the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, with raw and authentic performances enhancing the impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the characters' true feelings and intentions, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense dialogue, shifting dynamics between characters, and the high stakes involved in the confrontation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense through the dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and transitions between locations and time periods.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with flashbacks and present-day events seamlessly integrated. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition to explain the con involving Ed Malone playing the role of Alfonse Simone. This exposition is delivered through voiceover and flashbacks, which can be disorienting for the audience and detract from the emotional impact of the confrontation.
  • The dialogue between the characters is repetitive and lacks subtext. The characters essentially restate the same information and accusations without adding any new insights or emotional depth.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution. Richie's outburst and Irving's accusation that Richie may have the missing money create a sense of tension, but the scene ends without a satisfying conclusion to the conflict.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and the stakes are not clearly established. The audience may feel disconnected from the characters' motivations and the urgency of the situation.
  • The scene does not provide any new information or character development that is essential to the overall story. It feels like a rehash of previous events without adding any meaningful progression.
Suggestions
  • Consider using a different technique to reveal the con involving Ed Malone, such as a more dynamic and visually engaging flashback or a direct confrontation between the characters.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more concise, subtextual, and emotionally charged. Give the characters clear motivations and let their interactions drive the scene.
  • Add a clear resolution to the conflict. This could involve a revelation or a shift in power dynamics that leaves the audience with a sense of closure.
  • Increase the pacing of the scene and raise the stakes for the characters. Make the audience feel invested in the outcome of the confrontation.
  • Consider cutting or reworking the scene if it does not contribute essential information or character development to the overall story.



Scene 42 -  Consequences and Unity
EXT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY - DAY

Camera tilts down from the Federal Building to find Richie
coming down the stairs, emotional. Richie walks wiping his
eyes, his innocence and Edith, lost.

CUT TO:

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We took down some very big guys.

-REP. SANDERS SWARMED BY PHOTOGRAPHERS WALKING OUT OF
BUILDING, ESCORTED BY FBI AGENTS.

-REP. SIMMONS ESCORTED OUT OF CITY HALL.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Some of whom were just doing
business as usual helping their
communities or their states.

-REP. KESHOYGAN IS GRABBED AS HE APPROACHES HIS CAR IN A
GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT WITH A BAG FULL OF GROCERIES.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
But some of them knew they had
larceny in their blood--

-REP. O’CONNELL COVERS HIS FACE AS PHOTOGRAPHERS SWARM HIM AS
HE’S ARRESTED OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE AS WIFE AND DAUGHTER LOOK ON.
151.


CARL ELWAY IS CHELSEA HOTEL OFFICE IN HIS BATHROBE WITH HIS
SECRETARY IN TEARS.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
And they even admitted it.

GREY HAIRED SENATOR HORTON MITCHELL, wife by his side, denies
any wrongdoing and is photographed and humiliated as he then
sits with her in a Federal car.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
But in all it was six Congressmen,
one United States Senator, and my
friend, Carmine Polito.


THE DOOR TO CARMINE’S CLAPBOARD HOUSE OPENS, CARMINE STANDS
IN THE DOOR, STARES AT THE AGENTS, HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN IN
TEARS STAND BEHIND HIM AS HE SERVED A WARRANT. CARMINE IS
HANDCUFFED.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We gave the two million back so
Carmine got the reduced sentence.
18 months. The loss of his
friendship would haunt me for the
rest of my life.

CROWDED FEDERAL BUILDING PRESS CONFERENCE - MANY FLASHBULBS
AS STODDARD STANDS NEXT TO AMADO WHO MAKES THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
And when the story was written,
Richard Dimaso’s name was never
mentioned.

CAMERA PANS THROUGH CROWD TO FIND RICHIE IN THE WAY BACK,
LEANING AGAINST A PILLAR. FADE TO WHITE ON HIS SOBERED FACE.


209 EXT. LONG ISLAND ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY 209

FADE IN FROM WHITE, PAN DOWN FROM WHITE SKY TO SCHOOLYARD,
CHILDREN LEAVING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. IRVING AND SYDNEY WALK UP
TO THE SCHOOL TO PICK UP DANNY.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Syd and I moved in together. And
Rosalyn --

ROSALYN IN A NECK BRACE and off white trench coat and
sunglasses -
152.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
The car is a little dinged up and
I’m a little stiff but I don’t want
to talk about it.

Irving stares at Rosalyn.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She would always be interesting.

Rosalyn gets in to a car, revealing Pete Musane in the
driver’s seat. Irving leans in.

PETE MUSANE
(to Irving)
You know my boss knows you did him
a solid.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes I did. He never took a nickle
so they can’t get him for nothing.
I was never going to let that
happen.

Irving starts to leave --

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irv.

He stops and looks at her. With red lacquered nails Rosalyn
places her favorite nail finish in his hand.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
I’m done with this nail finish. Bye
for now. I’ll see you next weekend.

Irving nods. Rosalyn drives off with Pete.

Sydney stands with Danny.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Our conning days were behind us.

Irving and Sydney walk hand and hand with Danny down the
street. Irv drops the nail finish into a trashcan.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
You can fool yourself for just so
long and then your next reinvention
better have your damn feet on the
ground.
153.


210 INT. ART GALLERY - DAY 210

Irving and Sydney admire a piece of art on the wall.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We got a loan from a bank and were
able to go gallery legitimate.


INT. SMALL BANK - DAY

Irving and Sydney sit in front of a banker asking for a loan.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
The art of survival is a story that
never ends.


INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY

SYDNEY PLACES THE NEEDLE ON THE RECORD PLAYING ON A
TURNTABLE: DUKE ELLINGTON’S JEEPS BLUES, begins. SHE STARES
ACROSS THE ROOM AT IRVING. IRVING STARES BACK HER.

CUT TO BLACK
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Richie is emotional after being arrested at the FBI office, while various politicians including Carmine Polito are shown being arrested. Irving reflects on the consequences of their actions, mentioning Carmine's reduced sentence. The scene shifts to Irving, Sydney, and Danny picking up Danny from school, with Rosalyn appearing in a neck brace. The scene ends with Irving, Sydney, and Danny walking hand in hand, symbolizing family unity.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Closure for characters
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively wraps up the main storyline while providing closure for the characters. It delves into their emotional states and sets the stage for their future paths, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing the consequences of one's actions and seeking redemption is well-executed in this scene. It adds depth to the characters and explores the aftermath of their criminal activities.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses more on character development and resolution rather than advancing the main storyline. It ties up loose ends and provides a sense of closure for the audience.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the aftermath of criminal activities and the characters' attempts to move on from their past. The dialogue feels authentic and the emotional beats are well-executed.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotional journeys and internal conflicts are central to this scene. Their interactions and reactions reveal layers of complexity and growth, making them relatable and compelling.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, grappling with their past actions and seeking redemption. Their growth and introspection add depth to their arcs and pave the way for future development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the consequences of his actions and the loss of his friend, Carmine. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and the fear of losing important relationships in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to move on from his criminal past and start a new, legitimate life with his partner. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being exposed and the challenges of rebuilding their lives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, it is more internal and reflective rather than external. The conflict arises from the characters' own regrets and decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the characters' internal struggles and the challenges they face in moving on from their past.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and the consequences of their actions. While there is tension and regret, the physical danger is minimal.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it provides important closure for the characters and sets the stage for their future paths. It wraps up loose ends and resolves key emotional conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' fates and the emotional revelations that occur.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's past life of deception and crime, and his desire for a fresh start and honesty. This challenges his beliefs about himself and the world around him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and reflection. The characters' vulnerability and introspection resonate with the audience, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is introspective and emotional, reflecting the characters' inner turmoil and regrets. It effectively conveys their thoughts and feelings as they come to terms with the consequences of their actions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes, the character dynamics, and the sense of closure and new beginnings for the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of emotional moments and plot progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for a dramatic narrative, with a clear progression of events and character arcs.


Critique
  • The scene is a montage of several events without a clear narrative thread. It is unclear what the purpose of the scene is, and it does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is too long and lacks focus. It would be more effective if it were shorter and focused on a single event or theme.
  • The dialogue is wooden and expository. The characters do not speak like real people, and their conversations are filled with information dumps.
  • The scene is technically well-made, but it lacks emotional depth. The characters are not particularly likable or relatable, and their actions do not have much impact on the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the scene or reducing its length. If you do keep the scene, make sure it has a clear purpose and advances the plot or develops the characters.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using exposition and focus on creating conversations that reveal character and advance the plot.
  • Add more emotional depth to the scene. Make the characters more relatable and their actions more impactful.
  • Consider adding some humor to the scene. This will help to lighten the mood and make the scene more enjoyable to watch.