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Scene 1 -  The Inqusition
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
SEVERANCE- PILOT EPISODE-
"MISTER"



Written by


Dan Erickson




Benjamin Blake
Freyadog Entertainment
Benjamin@freyadog.com
(310) 498-8689
INT. BOARD ROOM. DAY.

A NAKED MAN lies face up, unconscious on a large oak table.
The room around him is comfortable but sterile. There are no
windows and the only light buzzes from the florescent panels
above. Pastel prints line the beige walls.

This is MARK, mid 30’s. He’s tall and thin, his hair neatly
combed, his breath slow but even.

Suddenly, Mark’s eyes shoot open and he bolts to a sitting
position. He gasps as his eyes dart around the room.

For a very long moment, all is quiet.

MARK
Hello?

He tries to get to his knees but they give way and he tumbles
off the table.

Shakily, he moves toward the door. He tries to open it, but
it’s locked solidly.

He turns back to the room.

MARK (CONT’D)
Where the hell am I!?

At the far end of the table is mounted a small, black
Intercom. It clicks on, emitting a MAN’S VOICE.

MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?

MARK
What?

MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?

MARK
I- Who the hell are you?

Brief pause.

MAN’S VOICE
I’m sorry, sir. I got ahead of
myself.

MARK
What is this place? Open the damn
door!
2.


MAN’S VOICE
Do you have a few moments to take a
quick survey?

MARK
What?

MAN’S VOICE
Six questions. I feel confident it
will benefit us both.

MARK
Wha- No! Let me the hell out of
this room!

MAN’S VOICE
Okay, thank you for your time.

It clicks off.

MARK
Hey! Hey!

Mark scours the room, but can find no other way out.

He returns to the door, twisting hard on the knob. He kicks
at it, but his weak legs give out and once again he falls to
the floor.

MARK (CONT’D)
Damnit!

He lays on the carpet, breathing heavily.

MARK (CONT’D)
Hey! You there?

The intercom clicks on.

MAN’S VOICE
I’m here.

MARK
Six questions?

MAN’S VOICE
Yes, sir.

MARK
What do I get at the end?

MAN’S VOICE
Depends on your answers.
3.


Mark sighs.

MARK
Well, since you seem to have caught
me between things-

MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?

Pause.

MARK
That’s the first question?

MAN’S VOICE
A first name will do.

Mark looks around the room. He furrows his brow.

MARK
What do I do if I don’t know?

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Okay, great. Question two:
In which US state were you born?

MARK
Wait a minute-

MAN’S VOICE
Which state, please?

MARK
I- don’t know.

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Terrific. Question three:
What is the name of a US State?
First that comes to mind.

MARK
-Delaware.

MAN’S VOICE
Question four: Who killed Mister
and how did he die?

MARK
That one makes no sense.

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown?
4.


MARK
Sure.

MAN’S VOICE
Question five: Have you done any
intravenous drugs today?

MARK
What’s going on?

MAN’S VOICE
Please answer question five-

MARK
I don’t know! I don’t even know
what day it is!

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Question six: By your
closest approximation, what was or
is the color of your mother’s eyes?

Mark stares up at the ceiling, his breath growing fast. A
tear slides down his temple.

Pause.

MAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Unknown. Applicant’s response
record is Unknown, Unknown,
Delaware, Unknown, Unknown and
Unknown.

MARK
(quietly)
Please tell me what’s happening to
me.

All at once, the door unlatches and creaks open.

MAN’S VOICE
A perfect score. Very impressive,
Mark.

Mark stares through the door. He can see only darkness.

MAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Right this way.

End of Prologue.
5.


Act 1.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary A naked man awakens in a sterile room and is questioned by a mysterious voice over an intercom. The voice asks about his personal history and drug use. Despite Mark's confusion and resistance, the voice congratulates him on a perfect score and instructs him to follow the voice through an open door, leaving him uncertain of his fate.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Intriguing premise
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Character depth could be improved
  • Some dialogue feels repetitive
Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of a naked man waking up in a sterile room, which immediately grabs the audience's attention. However, the dialogue between Mark and the man's voice on the intercom feels a bit forced and unnatural at times, which can take away from the tension and mystery of the situation.
  • There are moments where Mark's reactions and responses could be more nuanced and reflective of his confusion and fear. Adding more internal thoughts or emotions could help deepen the character and make the audience connect with him on a deeper level.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by tightening the dialogue and focusing on building suspense and intrigue. Some parts of the conversation feel repetitive and could be streamlined to keep the audience engaged.
  • The transition from Mark being locked in the room to the door suddenly opening and the man's voice congratulating him on a 'perfect score' feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the suspense and mystery of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and layers to the dialogue between Mark and the man's voice to create a more dynamic and engaging interaction.
  • Explore Mark's internal thoughts and emotions to add depth to his character and make his reactions more relatable to the audience.
  • Work on tightening the dialogue and pacing of the scene to maintain tension and keep the audience hooked from start to finish.
  • Refine the transition between Mark being locked in the room and the door opening to create a more seamless and impactful reveal of the 'perfect score' twist.



Scene 2 -  Mark's Escape
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. DARKENED HALL. DAY.

Mark creeps cautiously down a thin, unlit hall.

The hall is full of sharp twists, preventing Mark from seeing
more than a few feet ahead.

Ahead is a bend, around which Mark can see light.


INT. ORIENTATION CHAMBER. DAY.

Mark steps out into a small, dimly lit room.

In the center of the room is a table, at which sit a man and
a woman.

FRANK MILCHICK, 35, is a big and brawny, despite the dainty
glasses perched atop his nose. In front of him is a
microphone. His is the voice from the other room.

HARMONY COBEL, 40, is small, curt and well-kept, her hair in
a tight bun. She takes notes, never looking up.

Milchick looks up and smiles.

MILCHICK
Mark! Come, have a seat!

Mark glances at a door on the other side of the room.

MARK
Who are you?

MILCHICK
Frank Milchick, PR. I’ll be
facilitating your orientation
today.

MARK
Orientation for what?

MILCHICK
It’d be just terrific if you had a
seat.

Mark slowly walks over and sits across from them.

Milchick organizes documents, excited but nervous.
6.


MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Okay. Well, first and foremost, I’d
like to congratulate you, on behalf
of all our staff, at all levels of
seniority, and of all races and
sexual genders, on passing your
entrance exam. Really stellar work.
Delaware.

MARK
Again, entrance to what?

Milchick smiles, looks down and clears his throat.

MILCHICK
Mark- Mr. Scout- Your last name’s
Scout- Mr. Scout, we have selected
you as the Secondary Conversion
Analyst for our data culling team.
You have graciously accepted-

MARK
I haven’t graciously accepted shit.

MILCHICK
That’s- a great opinion, and boldly
expressed. But I do have the
paperwork here.

He slides it across the table. Mark snatches it up.

At the bottom is a series of signatures, his included.

MARK
I didn’t sign this.

MILCHICK
Let’s take a step back-

COBEL
He needs pants.

MILCHICK AND MARK
What?

COBEL
By this point in the orientation,
the applicant should have been
offered pants. It’s the first step
in preparing him for the video.

MILCHICK
Of course. Sorry, ma’am.
7.


COBEL
Don’t apologize to me.

Milchick turns back to Mark. He produces a well-folded pair
of black pants from under the table.

MILCHICK
Mr. Scout, at this time, I’d like
to offer you this pair of empty
black pants, along with a sincere
apology for not having offered said
pants earlier. Do you accept the
empty black pants, and/or the
apology, which I assure you is
anything but empty?

Mark stares at Milchick for a long moment.

All at once, Mark leaps from his seat and runs for the door.

MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Mr. Scout!

Mark bursts through the door. Cobel keeps writing.

COBEL
Well. How did that feel to you?

MILCHICK
Bad.

COBEL
It was very bad.

Milchick gets up to follow Mark.


INT. MAIN OFFICE. DAY.

Mark, still naked, runs out into the middle of a bustling
office.

The room is vast and white, the ceiling very high. Everything
is bathed in a sterile light, which seems to emanate from all
surfaces.

The majority of the room is comprised of a wide maze of
cubicle walls, made of a vaguely translucent glass.

The workers weave busily around, some of their forms obscured
by the crystalline cubicle walls. Their hurried footsteps
combine with the dim hum of routers and printers.
8.


Mark looks around, panting heavily. One by one, the office-
dwellers notice him and stop, shocked.

MARK
I’m being held here. I’m being held
against my will.

He glances up. Near the high ceiling is a small window,
behind which is a hallway. A thin, BALD MAN stands at the
window, watching the commotion.

A plump SECURITY GUARD approaches Mark.

SECURITY GUARD
Sir, I’d be happy to escort you to
your workspace-

Mark turns and runs, knocking over the Security Guard.

He runs into the maze of cubicles, nearly tripping over the
tangle of computer wires that populate the floor, as workers
dive out of his way.

He hears footsteps approach from around a corner. He ducks
behind a copy machine.

A line of GUARDS run past.

Looking up, Mark spies an exit sign, but no path through the
cubicles.

With a running start, Mark leaps onto a table and over one of
the walls. He crashes down atop a table on the other side.

Seeing the exit, Mark breaks into a run.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Mark flees from a meeting with Milchick and Cobel, who offered him a job as a Secondary Conversion Analyst. Mark rejects their offer, runs naked through the office, and escapes.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Mysterious setting
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character motivations could be clearer
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the purpose and setting of the orientation chamber. The dialogue between Mark, Milchick, and Cobel is somewhat confusing and could be more streamlined to convey the necessary information effectively.
  • The transition from Mark waking up in a sterile room to suddenly being in an orientation chamber with Milchick and Cobel feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother transition to connect the two scenes seamlessly.
  • The introduction of the Secondary Conversion Analyst position and the concept of data culling is intriguing but needs more context and explanation for the audience to fully understand the significance and stakes involved.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit rushed, especially when Mark suddenly runs out of the room. There needs to be more build-up and tension leading to this moment to make it more impactful.
  • The visual descriptions of the office and the actions of the characters could be more vivid and detailed to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and immersion for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition scene between Mark waking up in the sterile room and arriving in the orientation chamber to provide a smoother flow of events.
  • Clarify the purpose of the orientation chamber, the role of the Secondary Conversion Analyst, and the concept of data culling through more concise and engaging dialogue.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more character development and tension before Mark's sudden escape, building up to a more dramatic moment.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the office setting and the actions of the characters to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider revising the interactions between Mark, Milchick, and Cobel to make the dialogue more engaging, clear, and impactful in conveying important information to the audience.



Scene 3 -  Mark's Morning Misadventures
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. STAIRWELL. DAY.

Mark bursts through the stairwell door and runs down the
stairs, tripping over his feet as he goes.

Spinning around on a middle landing, he comes face to face
with HELLY RIGGS, 19, small but quietly fierce.

She smirks.

HELLY
First day?

Mark scoots around her and continues down the stairs.
9.


INT. LOBBY. DAY.

Mark bursts out of the stairwell and into a spacious lobby.
The granite walls are accentuated by hanging plants and mini
fountains.

Ahead is a security checkpoint, where a MUSTACHED GUARD scans
incoming EMPLOYEES with an electric wand.

Beyond them is a bank of glass doors, but a concrete wall
beyond it blocks any view of the outside.

An elevator door opens, and Milchick and Cobel emerge.

MILCHICK
Mr. Scout!

Mark launches himself toward the security checkpoint. The
Mustached Guard moves to intercept him.

MUSTACHED GUARD
Hold it, sir-

Mark elbows the Guard hard in the eye and tries to leap over
a ribbon partition. The Guard grabs him by the foot.

COBEL
Just let him go!

Mark kicks the Guard and gets to his feet.

COBEL (CONT’D)
It doesn’t matter! Let him go!

Mark darts across the entryway, past the security checkpoint,
and through the exit door.

JUMP TO:


INT. LOBBY. DAY.

The light is suddenly different, indicating late afternoon.
The room is far less busy.

Mark steps into the door he just ran out of. He’s dressed in
a simple black suit and tie.

He looks to his left. The Mustached Guard sits in a folding
chair, holding an ice pack over his eye and glaring at Mark.

COBEL
How you feeling?
10.


Mark whips around to see Cobel standing next to him. She
smiles.

MARK
How am I-

COBEL
Relax. There’s a lot that needs to
be explained to you. Are you
familiar with morons, Mark?

MARK
Morons?

COBEL
Idiots. Simpletons. Unfortunately,
they have a king, who I brilliantly
placed in charge of your
orientation today. I apologize for
that.

Mark looks at his hands, which are sunburnt.

MARK
Why is my skin warm?

COBEL
Same reason you feel suddenly
calmer than before. You and I just
had a two-hour walk together.

MARK
What?

COBEL
We went to a park. You fed apples
to a horse. It was sweet.

MARK
What are you talking about? Why
would I go on a walk with you?

COBEL
Because outside of this office, you
and I are already good friends.

He stares at her, confused. She puts her arm around him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, my mother was Catholic. Not a
very good Catholic. When I had a
bad day, she used to tell me my
angels had a hangover.
(MORE)
11.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Right now, you probably feel like
your angels just OD’d on heroin.

MARK
You could say that.

COBEL
Well, the good thing about angels
is there’s a shitload of them. And
when your angels OD, it’s never too
terribly hard to find some new
ones.

Mark says nothing. Cobel turns and walks toward the
elevators.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Let’s go find some new angels.

Mark stares after her for a moment, then follows.

End of Act 1
12.


Act 2
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary As Mark, running late for work, trips down the stairs and encounters Helly, who smirks at his clumsiness. In the lobby, he elbows a security guard and runs out. Later, Mark re-enters the lobby in a suit. Cobel informs Mark of a two-hour walk they took, but Mark has no memory of it.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may be confusing to the audience without further context
Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Mark running down the stairs to encountering Helly in the lobby, which may be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Cobel feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially when Cobel mentions the two-hour walk they supposedly had together.
  • The interaction between Mark and Cobel lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, leaving the audience unsure of where the story is heading.
  • The introduction of the Mustached Guard and the security checkpoint feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be better integrated into the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Mark running down the stairs and encountering Helly in the lobby to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Focus on developing more natural and engaging dialogue between Mark and Cobel to make their interaction feel more authentic.
  • Explore ways to deepen the emotional connection between the characters to make the scene more impactful for the audience.
  • Clarify the purpose and direction of the scene to ensure that the audience understands its significance in the overall story.
  • Integrate the introduction of the Mustached Guard and the security checkpoint more seamlessly into the narrative to enhance the coherence of the scene.



Scene 4 -  Irving's Secret Hobby
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.

IRVING BAILIFF, 65, sits under his desk. Irving is heavy and
bald, but his demeanor is childlike.

On the carpet in front of him sit a dozen small objects. A
snow globe paperweight. A couple of glue sticks. A handheld
pencil sharpener.

As two co-workers converse unseen, Irving arranges the
objects in a rough circle.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just seems soon to bring on a rook.
The ink ain’t dry on Petey yet.

HELLY
(o.s.)
We need a fourth. We can’t do the
job without a fourth.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Well, then maybe you shouldn’t have-

HELLY
(o.s.)
Petey got exactly what he wanted.
Besides, they’ve been training this
guy for months. It would have
happened eventually.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just seems soon.

Irving completes the circle and starts placing objects in the
middle.

DYLAN (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You really saw this guy’s dick?

HELLY
(o.s.)
Just for a second.
13.


DYLAN
(o.s.)
You shouldn’t go around seeing
dicks, you know. It’s a uniquely
distracting organ, biologically.

HELLY
(o.s.)
Well, I didn’t exactly seek it out.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just makes me ill, them bringing in
some nice-dicked rook mere days
after Petey’s departure.

HELLY
(o.s.)
I didn’t say he was nice-dicked.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
What?

HELLY
(o.s.)
I didn’t say that. You said that.

Irving finishes the pattern. The objects are now arranged in
a crude human face. He smiles at it, wistfully.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Look, we can split hairs all day or
we can prepare like we were told.
Where’s the welcome sign?

HELLY
(o.s.)
Irving’s going to do it.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
And Irving is where, exactly?

As footsteps approach, Irving hurriedly gathers all the
objects back up and puts them in a paper bag.

He stows the bag under the far corner of the desk.

Helly, the young woman from the stairwell, kneels down to
address Irving.
14.


HELLY
Hey, Irving.

Irving scoots around to face her.

IRVING
Hello.

HELLY
You having a little dark time?

IRVING
The lights hurt my brain.

HELLY
Mine too. Which is a good sign.
Means we have brains.

He smiles.

IRVING
Yeah. Big fat ones.

She smiles.

HELLY
Hey, I was hoping you’d hang up the
welcome sign before the next
culling starts. You did promise me.

IRVING
I was worried I’d mess it up and
Dylan would tease me.

She nods.

HELLY
Have you ever noticed how Dylan
never complains about the lights?

IRVING
Yeah.

HELLY
Yeah.

He laughs. She offers him her hand.

HELLY (CONT’D)
Come on. Let’s hang it up together.

He takes her hand.
15.


INT. OFFICE HALL. DAY.

Mark follows Cobel through the labyrinth of hallways.

MARK
Are there two buildings?

COBEL
Sorry?

MARK
When I ran outside, it led right
back into the lobby. Are there two
identical buildings?

COBEL
You’ll be seeing the video this
afternoon, which will explain
everything. Right now I want you to
meet a few of your colleagues.

They reach a door, marked “Culling Office.”

MARK
What’s the Culling Office?

She opens the door.

COBEL
It’s home.

She gestures for him to enter. He does.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Irving, a childlike office worker, hides a secret hobby from his co-worker. When approached by Helly, a kind woman, he reluctantly agrees to hang up a welcome sign with her.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious setting
  • Intriguing characters
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the plot may be confusing without context
Critique
  • The scene introduces Irving Bailiff, a unique character with a childlike demeanor, but the purpose of his actions and interactions with his co-workers is unclear.
  • The dialogue between Dylan and Helly, while providing some insight into the office dynamics, feels disjointed and lacks a clear direction.
  • The visual of Irving arranging objects to form a crude human face is intriguing but could be further developed to enhance the symbolism and meaning behind it.
  • The transition from Irving's scene to Mark following Cobel through the hallways feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition or connection between the two sequences.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Cobel at the end of the scene introduces some intriguing questions but leaves the audience wanting more clarity and context.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Irving's role and purpose in the office to provide more depth to his character and actions.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dylan and Helly to have a clearer narrative direction and contribute more effectively to the overall story.
  • Enhance the visual symbolism of Irving arranging objects to form a face to add depth and meaning to the scene.
  • Consider a smoother transition or connection between Irving's scene and Mark following Cobel to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Provide more context and clarity in the dialogue between Mark and Cobel to address the audience's questions and create a stronger connection to the overall story.



Scene 5 -  Mark's Initiation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. CULLING OFFICE. CONTINUOUS

The office is large, blank and white. In the center, four
desks face one another. Helly sits at one, and to her left is
Irving. To her right is DYLAN HOGAN.

Dylan is 40, and despite a sense of swagger, looks vaguely
diseased.

All three type vigorously at clunky, beige computers at their
desks.

Mark stares at these three for a moment. He turns to Cobel-

MARK
Who are these-

But she’s gone. He turns back.

He slowly makes his way toward the center of the room.
16.


The others don’t look up from what they’re doing.

MARK (CONT’D)
Hello.

No response.

MARK (CONT’D)
I’m Mark. Apparently I’m supposed
to be-

DYLAN
So why aren’t you?

MARK
Sorry?

DYLAN
Why aren’t you doing what you’re
supposed to be doing?

MARK
I- They didn’t tell me-

DYLAN
There’s one chair without an ass in
it. How many asses do you have?

MARK
-One.

DYLAN
Seems fortuitous.

Mark stares at Dylan a long moment, before moving to the
empty chair. He sits.

IRVING
Did you see the sign?

MARK
The sign?

IRVING
I hung it for you. Helly helped.

Mark looks over. Small, gold paper letters spelling ‘WELCOME’
hang clumsily on the far wall.

IRVING (CONT’D)
It’s meant to make you feel
welcome.
17.


MARK
Thank you.

He stares at the computer screen in front of him. A series of
green symbols, including letters, numbers and pictographs,
moves across it in a single line.

Mark glances at Helly, who sits across from him.

MARK (CONT’D)
I don’t know what to-

HELLY
The game is to turn the green
symbols blue. You have to trick
them. They’ll fight you.

MARK
Okay. How?

HELLY
Put your fingers on the keys. Your
training will kick in.

MARK
I haven’t been-

HELLY
Yes, you have.

Mark puts his fingers on the keys and looks at the stream of
symbols.

He types a few characters into the computer. The stream turns
red.

MARK
They’re turning red.

DYLAN
Red’s bad.

HELLY
I said blue, remember?

MARK
Listen, who are you people?

HELLY
Keep typing!

Mark keeps typing random keys. The symbols continue to come
in red.
18.


MARK
Please. I- I need help, okay? I
woke up here an hour ago and I
can’t remember anything-

DYLAN
Sucks chunks, don’t it?

MARK
This happened to all of you?

HELLY
Three years ago for me. Which now
makes me the senior employee.

DYLAN
By like two days.

IRVING
I used to be the baby. Now that
you’re here, I’m just Irving.

MARK
What is this place? How do we get
out of here?

DYLAN
It’s all in the video, man.

MARK
What video?

IRVING
Why is he mad?

HELLY
He’s not.

IRVING
Petey was never mad.

MARK
Who the shit is Petey?

DYLAN
You know, culling time tends to be
quiet time!

MARK
To shit with culling time! I don’t
even know what that is!

IRVING
Language!
19.


DYLAN
Damnit!

For a moment, everyone just types. Dylan rubs his face.

DYLAN (CONT’D)
It’s Mark, you said. Right?

MARK
Yeah.

DYLAN
Okay, Mark, do me a favor. Look at
your screen.

MARK
What?

DYLAN
Just look.

Mark looks. The symbols on his screen have all turned blue.
He continues to type letters onto the keyboard, changing the
symbols to blue as they appear.

MARK
I’m turning them blue.

DYLAN
Funny that, huh?

MARK
How am I doing this?

DYLAN
Because you were trained to. Mark,
I know you’re losing your shit
right now. I did too. But there’s
an order to all this, and it will
present itself to you in due time.
So until that time comes, I need
you to just take a breath and trust
that you’re gonna be okay. Can you
do that for me, Mark?

Mark takes a deep breath.

MARK
Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. I just- I’m
okay.

They all keep typing. Long pause.
20.


IRVING
Is he mad because I hung the sign
bad?

DYLAN
Nah, Irving. You hung the sign
great.

More typing.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a sterile office, amnesiac Mark is tasked by enigmatic co-workers to turn green computer symbols blue. Despite confusion and frustration, he succeeds, joining their mysterious routine.
Strengths
  • Mysterious setting
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic for clarity
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and the overall purpose of the office setting. It's unclear why Mark is being asked to turn green symbols blue and what the significance of this task is.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks a natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their interactions.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the mystery and intrigue surrounding the office and its employees. The scene could benefit from more tension and suspense to keep the audience intrigued.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively convey the atmosphere of the office or the emotions of the characters. Adding more sensory details could enhance the scene and immerse the audience in the setting.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of progression, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the office and the task assigned to Mark to provide more context for the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on developing the relationships between the characters and revealing more about their backgrounds and motivations.
  • Introduce more suspense and mystery to keep the audience intrigued and eager to learn more about the office and its employees.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting, allowing the audience to better visualize the office and the characters' emotions.
  • Consider adding a more conclusive ending to the scene that provides a sense of progression and leaves the audience wanting to know more about what will happen next.



Scene 6 -  The Restroom Encounter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CULLING OFFICE MEN’S ROOM. DAY.

Mark enters the men’s room stall and sits down.

He rubs his face, breathing heavily.

After a moment, he opens his eyes.

He notices a message scratched into the bottom corner of the
stall: I’M TAKING ME WITH ME.

HELLY
(o.s.)
Don’t throw up, okay?

Mark straightens up, startled. Helly sits in the stall next
to him.

HELLY (CONT’D)
‘Cause if you do, then I will. Then
the janitor will have to come
through and he hits on me.

MARK
This is the men’s room.

HELLY
The women’s gets lonely.

Mark takes a deep breath.

MARK
You’re from the stairwell, right?

HELLY
Not originally. But I saw you
there.

MARK
Sorry I was naked.

HELLY
It’s cool. It was funny. I’m Helly.
21.


He stares ahead, uncomfortable.

MARK
What’s the thing with the letters?
Why do we do that?

HELLY
It’s called data culling. And I
have no idea.

MARK
You don’t know what it means?

HELLY
Nope. I know it’s important,
though.

MARK
Uh huh. And how much of this is
going to make sense once I’ve seen
this video everyone keeps talking
about?

HELLY
Exactly four percent.

He smiles in spite of himself.

HELLY (CONT’D)
You’re not going to see it, though.

MARK
Sorry?

HELLY
Not today, anyway.

MARK
Cobel said-

HELLY
Something will come up. There will
be an inspection, or a drill. I was
here six months before I saw it.

MARK
Why?

She thinks about this a moment.

HELLY
Because you’re more likely to
accept it once they’ve broken you
some.
22.


The door opens and Irving sticks his head in.

IRVING
Helly?

HELLY
Hi Irving.

IRVING
You’re supposed to go in the girl’s
room. You’re a girl.

HELLY
I know. I’m sorry.

IRVING
Did you forget?

HELLY
Yeah, I forgot. Can you not tell on
me, please?

IRVING
Okay, but I’ll write it in my
diary.

HELLY
That’s good.

He leaves. A pause.

MARK
Is he okay?

HELLY
He’s different. He’s also by far
the fastest culler in the office.

The door opens and Irving pops in again.

IRVING
Also, if Mark’s in here, tell him
that we have an inspection tonight.
So they’ll show him the video
tomorrow.

HELLY
Thanks, Irving. I’ll tell him.

Irving leaves. A long pause.

MARK
Is there any way out of here?
23.


Long pause.

HELLY
You should watch the video.

MARK
Thanks. I’ll look forward to that.

Using her foot, she slides a scrap of toilet paper under the
stall wall.

HELLY
I mean you should watch it now.

Mark looks down at the toilet paper scrap. Drawn on it in pen
is a crude map.


INT. THIN HALLWAY. DAY.

Carrying the toilet paper map, Mark slinks down the empty
hall with what he thinks is stealth.

He rounds a bend and comes to a long line of doors. As he
moves past them, he eyes the map.

MARK
Three, four, five-

He reaches the sixth door, marked STORAGE, opens it and steps
inside.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Mark faces obstacles in his search for answers about the data culling video. Helly provides him with cryptic information and a map, leading him to a storage room, presumably to find the video.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Unique and quirky characters
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some confusion in the plot progression
Critique
  • The scene in the men's room provides a moment of vulnerability and connection between Mark and Helly, but it could benefit from more depth and exploration of their characters.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Helly feels a bit on the nose and could be more nuanced to reflect the complexity of their situation.
  • The introduction of Irving adds a touch of humor, but his interactions with Helly and Mark could be further developed to enhance the dynamics between the characters.
  • The transition from the men's room to the hallway feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The revelation of the map on the toilet paper is an intriguing plot point, but it could be introduced in a more subtle and mysterious way to build suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into the emotional and psychological aspects of Mark and Helly's interaction to add layers to their characters.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more subtle and reflective of the characters' internal struggles and motivations.
  • Further develop Irving's character and his interactions with Helly and Mark to create a more engaging dynamic.
  • Smooth out the transition between the men's room and the hallway to maintain the coherence of the scene.
  • Introduce the map in a more mysterious and intriguing manner to build suspense and curiosity for the audience.



Scene 7 -  Mark's Storage Closet Ascent
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. STORAGE CLOSET. CONTINUOUS.

Mark enters the closet, which is small and cramped and lined
on all sides by deep shelves.

He shuts the door and turns on the light.

He locates this room on the map. Here, Helly has written the
word UP.

Cautiously, Mark looks up, his eyes widening.

The narrow closet appears to stretch upward forever, with
hundreds of levels of shelves stacked atop one another. The
ceiling, if there is one, is not visible.

Mark looks back at the word UP printed on the map.

MARK
Shit.
24.


INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.

Helly enters the office to find Milchick standing by the
door.

MILCHICK
Miss Riggs.

HELLY
Mr. Milchick.

MILCHICK
Have you seen Mr. Scout?

HELLY
No. He’s maybe in the bathroom.

Milchick looks at the floor.

MILCHICK
I forgot to offer him pants at the
orientation today. Bungled the
whole thing like a ninny.

Helly nods, empathetic.


INT. STORAGE CLOSET. DAY.

Mark climbs the shelves, his face drenched in sweat. The
floor is no longer visible below.

He passes a shelf which contains a symmetrical pile of
metallic gold boxes.

He rests a foot on this shelf, causing it to creak. He stops.

The shelf gives way, sending the gold boxes careening
downward.

Mark grabs hold of the shelf above him, his feet dangling
over the endless darkness below.

He struggles to find another foothold. Grimacing, he pulls
himself up to the next shelf.

He forces himself to look up. About ten feet above him is a
platform and a thin, metallic door, like the one he came in.


INT. UPPER HALLWAY. EVENING.

Mark opens the thin door, gasping for breath.
25.


This hall is all black. What little light there is seeps out
from behind massive, closed doors. Distant whispers echo from
hidden rooms.

Mark shuts the supply closet and starts cautiously down the
hall.

As he moves, he hears the sound of heavy footsteps
approaching.

Panicking, he spies a door ajar and ducks through it.


INT. CUBICLE ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Mark scoots into the room, his back against the wall.

He shuts his eyes, terrified, as the heavy footsteps pass by
outside. They slowly disappear down the hall.

Mark opens his eyes.

The concrete room is empty, except for a large cubicle.
Unlike the ones downstairs, it is a perfect cube, complete
with a “roof” on top. There are no apparent openings.

Mark gets up and moves toward the cubicle.

WOMAN’S VOICE
(o.s.)
Is someone out there?

Mark’s breath stops, but he keeps moving.

WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You can’t keep me here. They’ll
come looking for me.

Mark stops inches from the cubicle. He notices an inch-wide
gap between the frame and the fabric of one of the walls.

He leans in to examine it.

Suddenly, a horrible, bloodshot EYE peers out.

WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
I want to see my baby!

Panicking, Mark turns and flees the room.
26.


INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.

Milchick sits in a plastic chair at Helly’s desk as she goes
over documents.

MILCHICK
I think the pants were a tertiary
issue. The real problem’s my
personality. I’ve been told I’m
just awful.

The door flies open and Cobel enters.

COBEL
Milchick! We’ve got a security
breach upstairs!

MILCHICK
What? How?

COBEL
Where’s Scout?

She looks around the room, approaching panic.


INT. UPPER HALLWAY. CONTINUOUS.

Mark runs down the hall. He passes a series of shut doors,
his pace growing faster.

He suddenly stops.

In front of him is a door, smaller than the others, with a
dim green light behind it. It reads VIDEO ARCHIVES.

He looks at the map. The final destination reads ‘VA.’

COBEL
Mark!

Mark whips around to see Cobel and Milchick running down the
hall toward him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, don’t go in there!

Mark grabs the handle, but the door is stuck. He yanks again,
pulling it open.
27.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Mark ventures into a storage closet and finds a map indicating "UP." He climbs the endless shelves, narrowly avoiding a fall, and discovers a platform with a metallic door above him.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing concept of the storage closet
  • Effective plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character development could be deeper
Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Mark climbing the shelves in the storage closet to him opening a thin door in the upper hallway, which may confuse the audience and disrupt the flow of the narrative.
  • The description of the upper hallway as all black with little light and distant whispers creates a mysterious and eerie atmosphere, but more details could be added to enhance the setting and build tension.
  • The introduction of a woman's voice and eye peering out from a cubicle adds a new element of suspense and intrigue, but the transition from this moment to Mark fleeing the room feels rushed and could benefit from more development.
  • The interaction between Milchick, Cobel, and Helly in the culling office provides some insight into their characters, but the dialogue feels disconnected from Mark's storyline and may need to be more integrated into the overall narrative.
  • The final moments of the scene, with Mark running down the upper hallway towards the video archives, create a sense of urgency and impending danger, but the resolution of him opening the door feels somewhat anticlimactic.
Suggestions
  • Consider smoothing out the transition between Mark climbing the shelves in the storage closet and opening the door in the upper hallway to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Add more descriptive details to the upper hallway setting to enhance the atmosphere and build suspense for the audience.
  • Develop the encounter with the woman's voice and eye in the cubicle room to create a more impactful and seamless transition to Mark fleeing the room.
  • Integrate the dialogue and interactions between Milchick, Cobel, and Helly more effectively into Mark's storyline to ensure continuity and relevance to the main plot.
  • Enhance the climax of the scene by building up the tension and stakes as Mark approaches the video archives door, leading to a more satisfying resolution.



Scene 8 -  Mark's Discovery
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. VIDEO ARCHIVE ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Mark enters the small, cramped room bathed in green light. He
slams the door behind him and locks it.

All walls are covered with heavy file cabinets. In the corner
is a small, dusty television with a built-in VCR.

There’s a rapping at the door.

COBEL
(o.s.)
Mark! Open the door!

Mark moves to the end of the room and opens a cabinet.

It’s full of VHS tapes, each labeled with a name, and all
carefully alphabetized.

The door rattles.

COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You weren’t meant to come up here
yet. Please, it’s dangerous!

Mark moves to another cabinet and opens it. More tapes.

Searching, he finds a drawer in the middle of the room and
opens it. These tapes are labeled with ‘S’ names. Rooting
through, he finds one marked ‘Scout, Mark.’

He moves to the television and flips it on. The image is of
grey static, accompanied by a dull roar.

COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Mark, I know you have questions. If
you come out now, I promise I’ll
explain everything.

He pushes in the tape.

The static roar stops, and for a moment, the room is quiet.

End of Act 2.
28.


ACT 3


BLACKNESS.

SCREEN TEXT: FIVE DAYS EARLIER.


INT. MARK’S BEDROOM. MORNING.

Mark lays, asleep, on a mattress on the floor.

The walls are a gentle blue, and the room is outfitted for a
baby. In the corner sits a crib.

A woman’s bare foot slowly moves over Mark’s face.

Wrinkling his nose, Mark bolts up.

MARK
What the shit?

His sister, DEVON, stands over him. She’s 30, and many, many
months pregnant.

DEVON
Hey, butterfly.

MARK
Your foot smells like pregnancy.

DEVON
Get up. You need toast.

MARK
I don’t want toast.

DEVON
You’re supposed to eat before an
interview.

MARK
Says who?

DEVON
Science.

Mark sits up, rubbing his face.

MARK
I don’t want to go. Go for me.

DEVON
I don’t think they’ll be fooled.
29.


MARK
Yeah they will. Just cut your hair,
throw on a tie and have your baby.

She smiles and goes to the door.

DEVON
Come have toast.

MARK
No.


INT. HALE HOUSEHOLD, KITCHEN. MORNING.

Mark sits at the table in a shirt and tie, begrudgingly
eating toast.

Next to him is RICKEN, 40, in a silk robe and androgynous
glasses.

RICKEN
Has the mattress been comfortable?

MARK
Yes. Thanks.

RICKEN
What are you going to say at the
interview?

MARK
I don’t know.

RICKEN
You should mention that you’re
staying with us.

Devon brings over two glasses of grapefruit juice.

MARK
Well, living in the future bedroom
of your sister’s baby wasn’t one of
their preferred qualifications.

RICKEN
Tolstoy used to live with relatives
for years at a time.

MARK
I’m not interviewing to be
President of Russia.
30.


RICKEN
Tolstoy wasn’t-

DEVON
He knows, babe. He’s screwing with
you.

MARK
No, I was being legitimately dumb
that time.

Ricken puts his hand on Mark’s shoulder.

RICKEN
Mark, I think you’re going to get
this job. I know things have been
hard-

MARK
Actually, things have been really
great since you put your hand on my
shoulder three seconds ago.

Ricken removes his hand.

RICKEN
I just think your life is about to
get a lot better.

Mark stares at him blankly.

MARK
Thanks for the toast.

He gets up and exits. Ricken shoots Devon an annoyed look.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Mark explores a restricted video archive room and discovers a tape labeled with his name. Despite Cobel's warnings, he plays the tape, plunging the room into eerie silence.
Strengths
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Intriguing concept of hidden video archive room
  • Well-developed characters and dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may be confusing without context from previous scenes
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the significance of Mark finding the tape labeled 'Scout, Mark.'
  • The tension and urgency of the situation are not effectively conveyed, making it difficult for the audience to feel engaged with Mark's actions.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Cobel feels forced and lacks depth, failing to provide meaningful insight into their characters or the overall story.
  • The visual descriptions of the room and the actions taking place are detailed but do not contribute to building a strong atmosphere or enhancing the scene's impact.
  • The interaction between Mark and Cobel through the door lacks emotional depth and fails to create a sense of conflict or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of Mark finding the tape and create a stronger connection to the overall plot of the screenplay.
  • Enhance the tension and urgency in the scene by adding more suspenseful elements and increasing the stakes for Mark.
  • Revise the dialogue between Mark and Cobel to make it more meaningful and reflective of their characters' motivations and conflicts.
  • Improve the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting that enhances the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Develop the interaction between Mark and Cobel to add depth to their relationship and create a more compelling dynamic between them.



Scene 9 -  Mark's Dilemma
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. HALE HOUSEHOLD, YARD. MORNING.

Mark goes to his car. Devon follows him out.

The suburban, Pacific Northwest neighborhood is coated in a
layer of frozen dew. Devon and Mark’s breath is visible in
the morning light.

DEVON
It’s cool how you act like you’re
better than the man who’s sharing
his house with you.

MARK
It’s your house.
31.


DEVON
Hey.

Mark turns.

DEVON (CONT’D)
If this interview goes- not great-

MARK
Why would it?

DEVON
Don’t go to the bars after, okay?
Like, at least come home first.

Mark smiles.

MARK
You know, he made up the Tolstoy
thing.

DEVON
I know.

Mark gets in the car.


INT. MARK’S CAR. MORNING.

Mark speeds along an icy road surrounded by evergreen trees.
A thick fog makes for poor visibility.

He stares ahead, pensive.

MARK
Hi, I’m Mark Scout.

He shuts his eyes.

MARK (CONT’D)
Good to meet you. Mark Scout.

A deep breath.

MARK (CONT’D)
This place is great. My name is-

The car hits something with a thud. Mark opens his eyes and
slams on the brakes.

He sits for a long moment, breathing heavily.

MARK (CONT’D)
Shit.
32.


EXT. FORESTED ROAD. CONTINUOUS.

Mark gets out of the car.

About ten feet behind him on the road lies a white cat. It
doesn’t move.

MARK
Oh no.

Mark glances over to a large, Victorian-style house just off
the road. It’s the only building in sight.

He takes a step toward the cat.

MARK (CONT’D)
Cat?

No response. He claps his hands. It doesn’t move.

He glances down at his watch.

MARK (CONT’D)
Damnit.

He moves back to the car, plopping into the driver’s seat.
Gritting his teeth, he sounds his horn.

No response from the house. He lays on the horn again, this
time for longer.

He notices the curtains in one of the upper windows move.

Hastily, he flips the car into drive and speeds off.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Mark leaves for an interview, dismissing Devon's concern about his drinking if it goes poorly. En route, he fatally strikes a white cat and faces a moral dilemma. Conflicted between the urgency of his interview and his guilt, Mark ultimately prioritizes the job opportunity and leaves the cat behind.
Strengths
  • Building suspense and tension
  • Exploring themes of guilt and responsibility
  • Creating emotional impact through character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing may be slow in parts
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear connection to the previous scenes in terms of tone and narrative progression. It feels disjointed and out of place compared to the mysterious and surreal elements introduced earlier in the script.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Devon feels forced and lacks depth. The conversation about the Tolstoy reference comes across as random and doesn't add much to the scene or character development.
  • The sudden shift from a suburban setting to a forested road without a clear transition feels jarring and disrupts the flow of the script.
  • The interaction with the cat and the house lacks emotional depth and fails to create a meaningful impact on the audience. The reactions and actions of Mark seem disconnected from the gravity of the situation.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, leaving the audience confused about the significance of the events unfolding.
Suggestions
  • Consider revisiting the overall tone and narrative arc of the script to ensure consistency and coherence throughout the scenes.
  • Develop the dialogue between Mark and Devon to add depth to their relationship and provide insight into their characters.
  • Provide a smoother transition between the suburban setting and the forested road to maintain the flow of the script.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the scene involving the cat and the house to create a more engaging and meaningful moment for the audience.
  • Clarify the purpose and relevance of the scene within the larger context of the script to ensure it contributes effectively to the overall story.



Scene 10 -  The Cat Incident
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CRAZY EAGLE VIDEO. DAY.

A card table has been set up in the middle of the store.
Racks of DVD’s line the walls.

Mark sits across from SETH, the store manager, 25 and
mustached.

SETH
It’s a lot of dusting of the DVD’s
and making sure they’re in order.
Do you have DVD’s at home?

MARK
I do.
33.


SETH
Yeah, so you know. I’ve been
covering all the shifts myself for
a year now. But massage school’s a
huge commitment so I’ll be busy.
Plus I expect to make friends
there.

MARK
My schedule’s very open.

Seth looks over Mark’s resume. Mark shifts, uncomfortable.

SETH
You okay?

MARK
Yeah.

SETH
You seem weird.

MARK
I’m fine.

Seth looks back at the resume.

SETH
So, it says you used to be a
professor of-

MARK
That was a while ago.

SETH
You know this is minimum wage?

MARK
It’s fine.

Seth stares at Mark a minute. Mark is sweating.

SETH
Okay, well, the last question is
one I ask everyone. Do you have any
weaknesses that you think would
prevent you from living up to the
tradition of Crazy Eagle Video?

Mark looks down, fidgeting.

MARK
No.
34.


SETH
I gotta write something or my uncle
gets pissed.

Pause. Mark looks back up at Seth.

MARK
I ran over a cat.

SETH
What?

MARK
On my way here. With my car. I
don’t know if it’s dead.

SETH
I don’t-

MARK
I should have checked, seen if it
was breathing, but I was nervous to
get here. Can cats be in a coma?

SETH
I don’t know.

MARK
What kind of monster am I? Who hits
a cat and then drives off to
interview for a job no sane person
would even want?

SETH
So- what should I write?

Mark thinks a moment, then gets up.

MARK
I’m gonna go see if it’s dead. Good
luck with your movie store. Don’t
give me the job.

Mark puts on his coat and exits, leaving Seth baffled.


EXT. FORESTED ROAD. DAY.

Mark stands in front of his car, staring at a BLOOD STAIN on
the pavement where the cat used to be.

He turns and looks at the house.

With a deep breath, he walks toward it.
35.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Mark's job interview at Crazy Eagle Video takes an awkward turn when he confesses to running over a cat on his way there. Overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety, he abruptly ends the interview and rushes out to check on the animal, leaving the bewildered manager behind.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Dark comedy elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or unnatural
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scenes, making it feel disjointed from the rest of the script.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Seth feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • Mark's sudden confession about running over a cat comes across as contrived and out of place, disrupting the flow of the scene.
  • The emotional impact of Mark's confession is not fully explored or developed, leaving the audience disconnected from his character.
  • The scene fails to effectively convey the internal conflict and turmoil Mark is experiencing, resulting in a lack of emotional depth and resonance.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to provide a smoother transition from the previous scenes, ensuring continuity and coherence in the narrative.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Mark and Seth to enhance the character dynamics and deepen the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Reconsider the timing and execution of Mark's confession about running over a cat to make it more organic and integral to the storyline.
  • Explore Mark's internal conflict and emotional journey more thoroughly to create a more compelling and engaging character arc.
  • Work on building tension and suspense in the scene to keep the audience invested in Mark's story and the unfolding events.



Scene 11 -  Death of Innocence
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. VICTORIAN HOUSE. DAY.

Mark knocks on the door. He looks around. The forest is
silent.

A LITTLE GIRL, 3, opens the door.

MARK
Hello. I was just- Are your parents
home?

LITTLE GIRL
Someone killed our cat.

MARK
That’s- awful.

LITTLE GIRL
Did you kill our cat?

Mark stares at her a moment.

MARK
I did.

She turns and walks into the dark house.

Mark cranes his neck to look after her.

Suddenly, a WOMAN steps in front of the door, startling Mark.
This is Harmony Cobel, the woman from the Orientation
Chamber.

MARK (CONT’D)
Oh. I’m sorry-

COBEL
So it would appear.

MARK
What?

COBEL
You’re here. One would assume that
means you’re sorry.

MARK
I- Well, I wanted to check on the
cat-

COBEL
He was dead the moment you hit him
and he’s remained so.
36.


MARK
I’m sorry.

COBEL
You mentioned.

MARK
How did you know I had-

COBEL
You came here from work?

MARK
An interview.

COBEL
Did you get it?

MARK
No.

COBEL
Condolences.

MARK
Yes. Well- Look, I want to
apologize. Truly, I can’t tell you
how sorry I am. I’d be happy to pay
you for-

COBEL
Would you like to see it?

Pause.

MARK
Would I like to see the cat?

COBEL
Yes.

MARK
No.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Mark confesses to killing a cat to a young girl and her guardian, Harmony Cobel. Cobel's enigmatic reaction and offer to show Mark the cat create a tense and unsettling atmosphere, leaving the situation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Minimal external conflict
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, leaving the reader slightly disoriented as to how Mark ended up at the Victorian house.
  • The dialogue between Mark and the little girl feels a bit stilted and unnatural, lacking emotional depth or nuance.
  • The interaction between Mark and Harmony Cobel is intriguing but could benefit from more tension and subtext to enhance the dynamic between the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit slow, with too much focus on dialogue and not enough on visual storytelling or character actions.
  • The revelation of the dead cat and Mark's guilt could be more impactful with stronger emotional beats and character reactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or explanation to clarify how Mark arrived at the Victorian house.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant for the characters involved.
  • Introduce more subtext and tension in the interaction between Mark and Cobel to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
  • Explore ways to enhance the visual storytelling and character actions to improve the pacing and overall impact of the scene.
  • Focus on building up the emotional stakes and character reactions surrounding the revelation of the dead cat to make the moment more powerful and memorable.



Scene 12 -  The Pickle
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. COBEL’S HOUSE, PARLOR. DAY.

Mark and Cobel stand over the body of the cat, which lays on
a white linen tablecloth surrounded by candles.

Cobel munches on a pickle. She offers one to Mark.

COBEL
Pickle?
37.


MARK
No. Thank you.

COBEL
I grew them myself. I insist.

Mark takes the pickle. Awkwardly, he takes a bite.

Pause.

MARK
What was his name?

COBEL
Mister.

MARK
That’s a funny name for a cat.

COBEL
Well. I suppose I’m funny.

Each takes another bite of pickle.

MARK
I’m Mark.

COBEL
Harmony Cobel.

MARK
Pleasure.

COBEL
It’s of interest to me, Mark, that
you drove away. You seem more
courteous than that. Were you
afraid?

MARK
I guess.

COBEL
Yet you had the courage to come
back, knowing our disdain for you
would be compounded by the initial
act of cowardice.

MARK
Well, it seemed right.

COBEL
And how did the actual slaying
feel?
38.


MARK
Slaying?

COBEL
I, myself, have only murdered small
insects. Nothing mammalian. Did it
make you feel powerful?

MARK
No. No, not at all. It was the
opposite of that.

COBEL
The opposite of power? Describe
that for me.

MARK
I just had to go. I felt horrible
for- Mister, but- I had an
interview. I couldn’t feel horrible
right then.

COBEL
And how many things in your life
are you putting off feeling
horrible about?

She takes a massive pickle bite.

MARK
I should get home. Excuse me.

He turns to leave.

COBEL
Do you feel horrible about Eleanor?

He stops. He turns around, his legs suddenly shaky.

COBEL (CONT’D)
In the divorce proceedings, she
accused you of, quote, acute
workoholism. I’ve never heard it
phrased that way. She sounds like a
firecracker.

He stares at her, steadying himself against a side table.

MARK
How do you-
39.


COBEL
Or what about being fired via text
message two days after signing
divorce papers? Decreased focus,
they cited. Have you gotten around
to feeling horrible about that?

Mark falls back against the wall.

MARK
I feel sick.

COBEL
Take it easy.

MARK
What was in that pickle?

COBEL
I won’t lie, there were drugs in
the pickle.

Mark falls to the floor, his vision blurring.

Cobel slowly walks toward him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
I’m proud of you for coming back,
Mark. That was very, very brave.

The room goes dark as Mark passes out.

End of Act 3.
40.


ACT 4
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Mark and Cobel stand over a dead cat. Cobel offers Mark a pickle, which he eats. Cobel discusses Mark driving away. Mark describes feeling powerless after killing the cat. Cobel asks Mark about Eleanor, making him feel sick. Cobel reveals the pickle contained drugs, and Mark passes out.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Psychological complexity
Weaknesses
  • Pacing may be slow for some viewers
  • Some may find the surreal elements confusing or distracting
Critique
  • The scene is heavy on dialogue and lacks visual elements to break up the conversation, making it feel stagnant and less engaging for the audience.
  • The interaction between Mark and Cobel feels forced and unnatural, with Cobel's dialogue coming across as overly cryptic and pretentious.
  • The transition from discussing the dead cat to Mark's personal life feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow or connection between the two topics.
  • The use of drugs in the pickle as a plot device feels contrived and unnecessary, adding an element of melodrama that detracts from the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue to convey information, missing opportunities for more subtle and nuanced storytelling through actions and visuals.
Suggestions
  • Introduce more visual elements to break up the dialogue, such as showing Mark's physical reactions to Cobel's probing questions or incorporating symbolic imagery related to the themes of guilt and regret.
  • Consider restructuring the conversation between Mark and Cobel to make it more organic and realistic, focusing on building a genuine emotional connection between the characters.
  • Find a more seamless way to transition between discussing the dead cat and delving into Mark's personal life, ensuring that the shift in focus feels natural and cohesive.
  • Reconsider the use of drugs in the pickle as a plot device, opting for a more subtle and nuanced approach to exploring Mark's emotional turmoil and inner conflict.
  • Explore alternative ways to convey information and develop character dynamics, such as incorporating subtext, nonverbal cues, and character actions to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 13 -  Severance Offer
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. COBEL’S HOUSE, BASEMENT. NIGHT.

Mark slowly awakens, his head spinning. The room is dank, the
walls made of rotted wood.

He sits in a chair at a table. Cobel sits across from him. In
her hand is a shoebox.

COBEL
You’re up.

Mark tries to stand but finds he’s handcuffed.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, I feel like I’ve been hard to
read so far. That’s irksome. Will
you let me explain myself?

MARK
Please- let me go.

COBEL
I heard you slam on your brakes
after you hit Mister. I wrote down
your plate number on a takeout menu
and looked you up after you drove
off. That’s why I know who you are.
Simple as that.

MARK
The things you knew- There’s no way-

COBEL
It was specific, right? That’s the
other thing I wanted to talk about.
See, I work for an organization
that’s in the business of
specificity. We don’t like not
knowing things.

MARK
What else do you know about me?

She leans back.

COBEL
I know you’re brilliant. I know you
were doing calculus at nine, took
college classes at eleven.
(MORE)
41.

COBEL (CONT'D)
I know you’ve struggled with focus
your whole life, and that after
your divorce, you spent most of a
night standing on the Skagit bridge
begging yourself to jump.

MARK
No one knows that.

COBEL
Someone does.

MARK
Why am I here?

COBEL
I want to offer you a job.

MARK
Why am I handcuffed?

COBEL
The job’s a tough sell.

She pushes the box toward him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Let me digress a second. I want to
introduce you to someone who’s
actually grateful to you for
killing Mister. Are you okay? I
know this is a lot.

Mark says nothing.

She takes the top off the box. Inside is a black rat. Mark
recoils.

COBEL (CONT’D)
This is Miss. Don’t let the name
fool you, he’s male. My daughter
picks the names.

Cobel reaches into the box. Miss nuzzles her hand.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Now, I’ve raised Miss from infancy.
I cuddle him at night, feed him by
hand. See how he loves me? Yes, you
do, little Miss.

MARK
Why are you showing me your rat?
42.


She reaches under the table and pulls out a small cylindrical
device with a single switch on top. She lays it on the table
next to the box.

COBEL
This beacon was built by my
company. It broadcasts a hyper-
sonar frequency, which activates a
chip inside Miss’s brain. When the
beacon is on, Miss can only access
memories from when it was on. When
it’s off, he remembers everything
else. Does that make sense?

She flips the switch on the beacon, which hums almost
inaudibly.

Miss instantly becomes hysterical, retreating to the back of
the box and squeaking in terror.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Now, I should mention that when the
beacon is on, I burn Miss on the
belly with a soldering iron.

She reaches into the box. Miss cowers in terror.

COBEL (CONT’D)
He screams and screams. But I don’t
stop. Sometimes it lasts an hour.

She removes her hand.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Okay, enough of that.

Cobel clicks the beacon off again. Miss instantly calms down.
Cobel picks her up and nuzzles her affectionately.

Mark stares at this in horror.

MARK
Who the hell are you?

Cobel lets Miss crawl onto the back of her neck.

COBEL
I’m an office manager. I work at
the most revolutionary company on
the planet, and I’m prepared to
offer you half a million dollars a
year to come join us.
(MORE)
43.

COBEL (CONT'D)
The only condition is that you will
receive a beacon of your own and
your perceptual chronologies will
be split. Between the hours of nine
and five, you will have no
knowledge of who you are or where
you are from. Only work memories.
And in your outside life, you will
know nothing of what you do for the
company. The vital nature of the
work requires such secrecy.

Mark stares at her. He has no words.

COBEL (CONT’D)
By the way, those cuffs are
plastic.

Mark looks down at the cuffs. He pulls his arms up sharply,
breaking them.

He stumbles to his feet.

MARK
This is psychotic. There’s no way
what you’re describing-

COBEL
It’s real. It violates no law, and
it’s brought solace to many of our
workers.

MARK
By cracking their brains in half?

COBEL
Mark, my mother was an atheist. She
used to say that there’s good news
and bad news about Hell. The good
news is that Hell is the product of
an overactive human imagination.
The bad news is that what human
beings can imagine, they can
create. I think that Hell is a
world where you eternally obsess
over where you’ll be in twelve
hours. Where your marriage freezes
to death in the shadow of your
career. Mark, what if you could
walk into work in the morning and
skip straight to the quitting bell?
Remove the anxiety of being a
worker and only be a person. That’s
what it’s like.
44.


MARK
Unless you’re unlucky enough to
wake up as the worker.

COBEL
In which case you know nothing
else. Those who have had the
procedure are happier, both at work
and at home, than ever before in
their lives.

Mark stares at her another moment.

MARK
Have you had it?

COBEL
No.

He nods.

MARK
Then when you get to work tomorrow,
you can tell everyone that I told
you to go straight to Hell.

Cobel laughs at this. Mark turns and stumbles to the door.

COBEL
Give it some thought, Mark. You
know where to find me.

Mark reaches the door and shoves it open.

Cobel scratches Miss’s neck.

COBEL (CONT’D)
That was a funny thing he said,
wasn’t it, Miss? Yes, it was.

Miss nuzzles her hand.
Genres: ["Psychological Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Mark awakens handcuffed in Cobel's basement, where she reveals her knowledge of his past and offers him a job with a unique condition: his memories will be split using a beacon. Despite a horrifying demonstration, Mark refuses and breaks his handcuffs before leaving, leaving Cobel to laugh alone with her rat.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept
  • Intense and disturbing tone
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Potentially too dark and disturbing for some audiences
Critique
  • The scene is intense and unsettling, which fits the overall tone of the screenplay. However, the use of animal cruelty as a demonstration of the beacon's effects may be too graphic and disturbing for some audiences.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Cobel is well-written and reveals important information about both characters. However, some of the exposition feels a bit heavy-handed and could be delivered more subtly.
  • The dynamic between Mark and Cobel is intriguing, with Cobel presenting a morally ambiguous offer that challenges Mark's sense of self and ethics. This conflict adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.
  • The setting of Cobel's basement adds to the atmosphere of the scene, with the dank walls and handcuffs creating a sense of confinement and tension.
  • Overall, the scene effectively sets up the central conflict of the screenplay and leaves the audience questioning the ethical implications of Cobel's offer.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic nature of the demonstration with the rat to make it more palatable for viewers while still conveying the beacon's effects.
  • Find ways to incorporate the exposition more organically into the dialogue to avoid heavy-handed delivery.
  • Continue to explore the complex dynamic between Mark and Cobel, delving deeper into their motivations and moral dilemmas.
  • Enhance the atmosphere of the basement setting to further heighten the tension and sense of confinement.
  • Consider adding moments of introspection for Mark to allow the audience to connect more deeply with his internal struggle and decision-making process.



Scene 14 -  A Dismissed Claim
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. POLICE STATION, OFFICE. NIGHT.

Mark sits across from OFFICER IRONS, 40 and incredulous.

OFFICER IRONS
Okay, so- You hit the woman’s cat.

MARK
Yes.
45.


OFFICER IRONS
And didn’t go back to check on it.

MARK
No.

OFFICER IRONS
In cases like that, sir, you should
get out of the car and assess the
animal.

MARK
Please listen. This woman drugged
and kidnapped me!

Officer Irons ponders this a moment.

OFFICER IRONS
Would you give me a moment, please,
sir?

MARK
Yeah.

Mark gets up.


INT. POLICE STATION, WAITING AREA. NIGHT.

Mark sits down in one of a long row of chairs.

Through the window, he sees Officer Irons talk to OFFICER
GREEN, 55 and skinny.

Mark leans back, rubbing his face. He doesn’t notice KAIA,
26, petite and strung out, sitting a few chairs away.

KAIA
Why did they bring you here?

Mark looks at her, exhausted.

MARK
They didn’t. I came to report a
crime.

KAIA
Me too. But they won’t listen to
me. They say I’m bonkers.

MARK
Okay.
46.


KAIA
My dad was killed when I was ten.
On his birthday. But they’ll never
catch who did it. You know why that
is?

MARK
Listen, I’ve had kind of a rough
night-

KAIA
Because he was killed by angels.

Mark stares, speechless.

KAIA (CONT’D)
He flew out of one of his presents,
the one with gold paper. And they
pulled bones out of him til he
died.

Mark nods.

MARK
Okay.

The door to the office opens and Officers Irons and Green
emerge.

OFFICER IRONS
Mr. Scout?

MARK
Yes.

The Officers glance at each other.

OFFICER IRONS
Take us there.


INT. FORESTED ROAD. MORNING.

As the sun rises, the Officers get out of their car.

They walk along the road to join Mark, who is standing in
front of his own parked car, staring in disbelief.

The area where the house stood is now a vacant field. Only a
plastic Port-o-Potty sits in the center.

For a long moment, all stare.
47.


OFFICER IRONS
This is the house, sir?

MARK
I don’t-

OFFICER IRONS
Sir, this is a portable lavatory.
Frequently used for temporary waste
management, but insufficient for
habitation.

MARK
There was a house here.

The Officers glance at one another.

OFFICER GREEN
You know what I think this is?

OFFICER IRONS
What’s that?

OFFICER GREEN
Bunch of crap.

Officer Green bursts into a fit of laughter.

OFFICER IRONS
Aw, that’s classic!

OFFICER GREEN
Thought of it a minute ago. It
wasn’t improvised.

OFFICER IRONS
Still. So funny.

Their radios bleep.

COP VOICE
Possible homicide on Fourth and
Vice. All units-

OFFICER GREEN
Shit. We gotta go.

MARK
Wait, can’t you-

OFFICER IRONS
Please return home, Mr. Scout.
Contact us only if there’s an
emergency.
48.


The Officers run to their car and get in. They peel out and
speed off.

Mark stands at the side of the road, staring after them.

He starts to walk to his car.

He turns, regarding the Port-O-Potty.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Mark encounters skepticism from the police after claiming he was kidnapped and drugged. He insists on his innocence, but his claims are dismissed. Officer Irons questions Mark about hitting a cat and not checking on it. Mark alleges that the cat's owner kidnapped and drugged him, but Officer Irons dismisses his claim. Mark then meets Kaia, who asserts that her father was killed by angels and that the police will never apprehend them. Officers Irons and Green examine the alleged kidnapping site, discovering only a portable toilet where the house once stood. They dismiss Mark's allegations as baseless and depart to investigate a homicide, leaving Mark perplexed and uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution
  • Some elements may be confusing to the audience
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure for the conflict introduced in the previous scenes regarding Mark hitting the woman's cat and the mysterious disappearance of the house.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Officer Irons feels a bit disjointed and could benefit from more natural flow and interaction.
  • The introduction of Kaia and her story about her father being killed by angels feels out of place and doesn't seem to connect well with the overall narrative.
  • The humor injected by Officer Green's 'bunch of crap' joke feels forced and disrupts the serious tone of the scene.
  • The transition from the mysterious disappearance of the house to the police officers making jokes and leaving abruptly feels abrupt and leaves the audience hanging without a satisfying resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Mark and Officer Irons to make it more engaging and impactful, providing closure to the conflict introduced.
  • Reevaluate the inclusion of Kaia's character and her backstory to ensure it aligns with the overall narrative and contributes meaningfully to the plot.
  • Tone down the forced humor with Officer Green's joke to maintain consistency in the scene's tone.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or hint at the next steps in the investigation to keep the audience engaged and satisfied.
  • Consider revising the ending to create a more cohesive transition to the next scene and maintain the momentum of the story.



Scene 15 -  The Decision
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. PORT-O-POTTY. MORNING.

Mark enters and sits down. He shuts the door behind him.

He looks around, silent for a long moment.

MARK
Are you here?

Pause.

COBEL
(o.s.)
Of course I am.

Mark looks up. At the top of the Port-O-Potty is a speaker.

MARK
How did you do that?

COBEL
(o.s.)
I can’t tell you. But let me ask
you this, Mark; Is it not worth
considering that a company that can
make a house disappear may also be
able to fix your somewhat broken
life?

Mark thinks about this.

MARK
If I was unhappy, could I get out
of it?

COBEL
(o.s.)
Both halves of you would need to
request it. But that won’t happen.
I’m offering you something you’ve
craved your whole life, Mark. I’m
offering you focus, and all that
comes with it.
(MORE)
49.

COBEL (CONT'D)
You can explore what that means, or
you can go back to your sister’s
baby’s room. I believe a nearby
food court is hiring.

Mark lets out a slow breath.

COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Mark? When you step out of this
Port-O-Potty, would you like me to
be there? You can say no. Or you
can say yes.

Mark shuts his eyes.

MARK
(whispers)
Yes.

COBEL
(o.s.)
I’m glad you said that. Come out.

Mark opens his eyes. He opens the door.


EXT. FORESTED ROAD. CONTINUOUS.

Mark steps out to see Cobel standing in front of a sleek
black car.

Next to her is Milchick, smiling like an idiot.

Mark lets out another long breath and makes his way to the
side of the road.

COBEL
This is Frank Milchick, newly hired
PR director.

MILCHICK
So psyched you’re joining us.

Cobel smiles and opens the rear door of the car.

COBEL
Shall we?

Mark nods. He gets in the car.

BLACKNESS.

SCREEN TEXT: FOUR DAYS LATER.
50.


INT. WHITE ROOM. DAY.

Mark sits at a wooden table in a surgical gown, a thermometer
in his mouth and a sheet of paper in his hands. Milchick
stands over him.

The room is perfectly cubic, and all white.

Milchick removes the thermometer.

MILCHICK
All good. You ready for this?

MARK
Yeah.

MILCHICK
Great. Let’s make some rad magic.

Milchick moves to the other side of the table, a camera has
been set up.

Cobel stands in the corner.

MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Okay, we’re on Mark in one, two-

He hits record.

Mark picks up the paper and reads.

MARK
My name is Mark Scout. I have, at
the suggestion of my employer,
elected to undergo the procedure
colloquially known as severance. I
give consent for my unconscious
body to be transported to my
workplace and my personal beacon
activated, creating a new
perceptual chronology. I understand
that the skills required to perform
my job will be implanted in the
mind of my employed self, along
with a cursory awareness of the
outside world for conversational
purposes. I will not, henceforth,
seek knowledge of my outside life
while at work, nor of my work life
while at home.

CUT TO:
51.


INT. VIDEO ARCHIVE ROOM. EVENING.

Back in the cramped room, Mark crouches before the television
set, watching the recorded image of himself reading the
waver.

He can hardly breathe as he stares at his own pensive face.

MARK
(on-screen)
I say these things of my own free
accord, and being of sound mind.

MILCHICK
(on-screen)
That’s good, Mark. That’s real
good.

MARK
(on-screen)
Would it be alright if I said
something? To him?

Pause.

COBEL
(on-screen)
No.

The screen cuts to static.

Mark leans back. He stares into the static for a very long
moment.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Mark wrestles with the decision of whether or not to undergo the severance procedure. He is offered the promise of focus and a chance to fix his broken life, but he also knows that he will be giving up a part of himself. In the end, Mark decides to go through with the procedure.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Complex characters
  • Mysterious and suspenseful tone
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain elements may be confusing to the audience
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the overall purpose and resolution. The conversation between Mark and Cobel is intriguing but leaves the audience with more questions than answers.
  • The transition from the Port-O-Potty to the white room feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition between the two settings.
  • The dialogue between Mark and Cobel feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially in the way Cobel presents the offer to Mark. It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting, as well as to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The ending of the scene leaves the audience hanging without a clear resolution or sense of closure, which can be frustrating for viewers.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose and stakes of the conversation between Mark and Cobel to provide a more satisfying resolution for the audience.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the different settings to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Refine the dialogue between Mark and Cobel to make it more natural and engaging for the audience.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the viewers.
  • Consider adding a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 16 -  Confrontation in the Hallways
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. UPPER HALLWAY. NIGHT.

Mark opens the door and steps quietly out of the archive
room.

Cobel and Milchick stand before him.

MARK
When was that taken?

COBEL
This morning.

Mark nods.

MARK
I’m never going to leave here.
52.


COBEL
You’ll leave here at five.

MILCHICK
But in your current state of
awareness, you won’t perceive it.

Mark nods again.

MARK
Do I have a family?

COBEL
You’ll never know.

MARK
And I don’t have any choice.

Cobel stares at him, solemnly.

COBEL
You did. You chose yes.

Mark lets out a long breath.

Milchick and Cobel stand still, giving him all the time he
needs.

End of act 4
53.


INT. DARK HALL. NIGHT.

Cobel walks down a hallway, darker even than the one before.

She rounds a corner and stops. Before her is a corridor so
dark that the end is not visible.

COBEL
He’s gone.

A soft, raspy MAN’S VOICE echoes down the hallway.

MAN’S VOICE
Has he come to us defective?

COBEL
No.

MAN’S VOICE
He’s curious. Like the other before
him.

Cobel looks at the floor, uncomfortable.

CUT TO:


INT. LOBBY. NIGHT.

Mark stands at the security station as a GUARD pats him down.

COBEL
(o.s.)
That won’t happen again. This one
may fight for a time. But he will
choose us as his home.

MAN’S VOICE
(o.s.)
And if he doesn’t choose us?

The guard waves Mark to the door. Mark stares at his
reflection in the glass, then pushes the door open and exits.

Darkness.

COBEL
(o.s.)
Then he’ll have nothing left but
the dark.

End of Episode
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary Mark confronts Cobel and Milchick about his past and future, but receives cryptic responses. Cobel emphasizes Mark's choice and warns that he will have nothing but darkness if he doesn't comply. The man's voice raises concerns about Mark's potential resistance, hinting at a deeper conflict between Mark's desire for freedom and the organization's control.
Strengths
  • Mystery
  • Tension
  • Intrigue
  • Character Dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some Dialogue Could Be More Clear
  • Lack of Clarity in Certain Plot Points
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the overall purpose and resolution. The dialogue between Mark, Cobel, and Milchick is cryptic and leaves the audience with more questions than answers.
  • The emotional impact of Mark realizing he will never know about his family and that he has no choice is not fully explored. The scene could benefit from more depth in portraying Mark's internal struggle and resignation.
  • The interaction between Cobel and the mysterious man's voice adds an intriguing element but is not fully developed or explained, leaving the audience confused.
  • The transition between the hallway scene with Cobel and the lobby scene with Mark feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow.
  • The ending of the scene, with Mark walking into darkness as Cobel talks about him having nothing but darkness if he doesn't choose them, is chilling but could be more impactful with stronger visual and emotional cues.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the dialogue between Mark, Cobel, and Milchick to provide more context and resolution for the audience.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of Mark's realization about his family and lack of choice by delving deeper into his internal conflict and resignation.
  • Further develop the interaction between Cobel and the mysterious man's voice to add depth and intrigue to the scene.
  • Improve the transition between the hallway and lobby scenes to create a more seamless and coherent narrative flow.
  • Consider adding visual and emotional cues to enhance the impact of Mark walking into darkness as Cobel talks about his potential fate, creating a more haunting and memorable ending.