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Scene 1 -  Severance - Pilot Episode - 'Mister'
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
SEVERANCE- PILOT EPISODE-
"MISTER"



Written by


Dan Erickson




Benjamin Blake
Freyadog Entertainment
Benjamin@freyadog.com
(310) 498-8689
INT. BOARD ROOM. DAY.

A NAKED MAN lies face up, unconscious on a large oak table.
The room around him is comfortable but sterile. There are no
windows and the only light buzzes from the florescent panels
above. Pastel prints line the beige walls.

This is MARK, mid 30’s. He’s tall and thin, his hair neatly
combed, his breath slow but even.

Suddenly, Mark’s eyes shoot open and he bolts to a sitting
position. He gasps as his eyes dart around the room.

For a very long moment, all is quiet.

MARK
Hello?

He tries to get to his knees but they give way and he tumbles
off the table.

Shakily, he moves toward the door. He tries to open it, but
it’s locked solidly.

He turns back to the room.

MARK (CONT’D)
Where the hell am I!?

At the far end of the table is mounted a small, black
Intercom. It clicks on, emitting a MAN’S VOICE.

MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?

MARK
What?

MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?

MARK
I- Who the hell are you?

Brief pause.

MAN’S VOICE
I’m sorry, sir. I got ahead of
myself.

MARK
What is this place? Open the damn
door!
2.


MAN’S VOICE
Do you have a few moments to take a
quick survey?

MARK
What?

MAN’S VOICE
Six questions. I feel confident it
will benefit us both.

MARK
Wha- No! Let me the hell out of
this room!

MAN’S VOICE
Okay, thank you for your time.

It clicks off.

MARK
Hey! Hey!

Mark scours the room, but can find no other way out.

He returns to the door, twisting hard on the knob. He kicks
at it, but his weak legs give out and once again he falls to
the floor.

MARK (CONT’D)
Damnit!

He lays on the carpet, breathing heavily.

MARK (CONT’D)
Hey! You there?

The intercom clicks on.

MAN’S VOICE
I’m here.

MARK
Six questions?

MAN’S VOICE
Yes, sir.

MARK
What do I get at the end?

MAN’S VOICE
Depends on your answers.
3.


Mark sighs.

MARK
Well, since you seem to have caught
me between things-

MAN’S VOICE
Who are you?

Pause.

MARK
That’s the first question?

MAN’S VOICE
A first name will do.

Mark looks around the room. He furrows his brow.

MARK
What do I do if I don’t know?

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Okay, great. Question two:
In which US state were you born?

MARK
Wait a minute-

MAN’S VOICE
Which state, please?

MARK
I- don’t know.

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Terrific. Question three:
What is the name of a US State?
First that comes to mind.

MARK
-Delaware.

MAN’S VOICE
Question four: Who killed Mister
and how did he die?

MARK
That one makes no sense.

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown?
4.


MARK
Sure.

MAN’S VOICE
Question five: Have you done any
intravenous drugs today?

MARK
What’s going on?

MAN’S VOICE
Please answer question five-

MARK
I don’t know! I don’t even know
what day it is!

MAN’S VOICE
Unknown. Question six: By your
closest approximation, what was or
is the color of your mother’s eyes?

Mark stares up at the ceiling, his breath growing fast. A
tear slides down his temple.

Pause.

MAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Unknown. Applicant’s response
record is Unknown, Unknown,
Delaware, Unknown, Unknown and
Unknown.

MARK
(quietly)
Please tell me what’s happening to
me.

All at once, the door unlatches and creaks open.

MAN’S VOICE
A perfect score. Very impressive,
Mark.

Mark stares through the door. He can see only darkness.

MAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
Right this way.

End of Prologue.
5.


Act 1.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary A man wakes up naked and confused in a sterile room. He is asked a series of bizarre questions by an unknown entity through an intercom. After answering them, the door unlocks to an unknown darkness.
Strengths "The premise is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged. The tension is well-crafted, and the mystery raises questions that pique the viewer's curiosity."
Weaknesses "The character of Mark is not fully developed at this stage, leaving the audience with little invested in his fate. The dialogue is a bit stilted at times."
Critique Overall, this scene is engaging and intriguing. It captures the audience's attention with the mystery of Mark's predicament and the looming presence of the unknown man on the intercom. The dialogue is well-crafted, keeping the audience engaged in the exchange between Mark and the man on the intercom.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. Firstly, it's unclear why Mark is naked. Is this intentional, or is it a mistake? Secondly, the description of the room and its surroundings could be more specific to create a stronger visual image.

Thirdly, the questions asked by the man on the intercom are a bit confusing. It's unclear why some of them are being asked, and the purpose of the survey isn't entirely clear. Some additional context could help clarify the intentions behind this exchange.

Lastly, while the ending is intriguing, it could benefit from some additional context to build suspense and anticipation for what's to come. Overall, this scene has some strong elements, but could use some refinement to fully draw the audience in and leave them eager for more.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is intriguing with a strong sense of tension and mystery. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Give the audience a reason to care about Mark and his predicament. As it stands, we don't know anything about him or his backstory. Consider adding a brief scene before this one to establish who he is and why he's in this situation.

2. Provide more context for the setting. We know very little about where Mark is beyond the fact that it's a sterile board room. Adding some description of the room, such as its size and layout, could help establish the atmosphere and make the audience feel more grounded in the scene.

3. Be careful with the dialogue. Some of the exchanges between Mark and the man on the intercom feel somewhat forced and could be reworded to sound more natural.

4. Think about pacing. While the survey questions add an interesting layer to the scene, they also slow down the action a bit. Consider cutting some of the questions or finding a way to streamline the conversation to keep the tension high.

5. Consider a more dynamic visual approach. Since the scene takes place entirely in one room, it might be challenging to keep things visually engaging. Think about ways to add movement or visual interest, such as close-ups on objects in the room or creative camera angles.



Scene 2 -  Orientation Gone Wrong
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. DARKENED HALL. DAY.

Mark creeps cautiously down a thin, unlit hall.

The hall is full of sharp twists, preventing Mark from seeing
more than a few feet ahead.

Ahead is a bend, around which Mark can see light.


INT. ORIENTATION CHAMBER. DAY.

Mark steps out into a small, dimly lit room.

In the center of the room is a table, at which sit a man and
a woman.

FRANK MILCHICK, 35, is a big and brawny, despite the dainty
glasses perched atop his nose. In front of him is a
microphone. His is the voice from the other room.

HARMONY COBEL, 40, is small, curt and well-kept, her hair in
a tight bun. She takes notes, never looking up.

Milchick looks up and smiles.

MILCHICK
Mark! Come, have a seat!

Mark glances at a door on the other side of the room.

MARK
Who are you?

MILCHICK
Frank Milchick, PR. I’ll be
facilitating your orientation
today.

MARK
Orientation for what?

MILCHICK
It’d be just terrific if you had a
seat.

Mark slowly walks over and sits across from them.

Milchick organizes documents, excited but nervous.
6.


MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Okay. Well, first and foremost, I’d
like to congratulate you, on behalf
of all our staff, at all levels of
seniority, and of all races and
sexual genders, on passing your
entrance exam. Really stellar work.
Delaware.

MARK
Again, entrance to what?

Milchick smiles, looks down and clears his throat.

MILCHICK
Mark- Mr. Scout- Your last name’s
Scout- Mr. Scout, we have selected
you as the Secondary Conversion
Analyst for our data culling team.
You have graciously accepted-

MARK
I haven’t graciously accepted shit.

MILCHICK
That’s- a great opinion, and boldly
expressed. But I do have the
paperwork here.

He slides it across the table. Mark snatches it up.

At the bottom is a series of signatures, his included.

MARK
I didn’t sign this.

MILCHICK
Let’s take a step back-

COBEL
He needs pants.

MILCHICK AND MARK
What?

COBEL
By this point in the orientation,
the applicant should have been
offered pants. It’s the first step
in preparing him for the video.

MILCHICK
Of course. Sorry, ma’am.
7.


COBEL
Don’t apologize to me.

Milchick turns back to Mark. He produces a well-folded pair
of black pants from under the table.

MILCHICK
Mr. Scout, at this time, I’d like
to offer you this pair of empty
black pants, along with a sincere
apology for not having offered said
pants earlier. Do you accept the
empty black pants, and/or the
apology, which I assure you is
anything but empty?

Mark stares at Milchick for a long moment.

All at once, Mark leaps from his seat and runs for the door.

MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Mr. Scout!

Mark bursts through the door. Cobel keeps writing.

COBEL
Well. How did that feel to you?

MILCHICK
Bad.

COBEL
It was very bad.

Milchick gets up to follow Mark.


INT. MAIN OFFICE. DAY.

Mark, still naked, runs out into the middle of a bustling
office.

The room is vast and white, the ceiling very high. Everything
is bathed in a sterile light, which seems to emanate from all
surfaces.

The majority of the room is comprised of a wide maze of
cubicle walls, made of a vaguely translucent glass.

The workers weave busily around, some of their forms obscured
by the crystalline cubicle walls. Their hurried footsteps
combine with the dim hum of routers and printers.
8.


Mark looks around, panting heavily. One by one, the office-
dwellers notice him and stop, shocked.

MARK
I’m being held here. I’m being held
against my will.

He glances up. Near the high ceiling is a small window,
behind which is a hallway. A thin, BALD MAN stands at the
window, watching the commotion.

A plump SECURITY GUARD approaches Mark.

SECURITY GUARD
Sir, I’d be happy to escort you to
your workspace-

Mark turns and runs, knocking over the Security Guard.

He runs into the maze of cubicles, nearly tripping over the
tangle of computer wires that populate the floor, as workers
dive out of his way.

He hears footsteps approach from around a corner. He ducks
behind a copy machine.

A line of GUARDS run past.

Looking up, Mark spies an exit sign, but no path through the
cubicles.

With a running start, Mark leaps onto a table and over one of
the walls. He crashes down atop a table on the other side.

Seeing the exit, Mark breaks into a run.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Science Fiction"]

Summary Mark wakes up naked and confused, and is led to an orientation with Frank Milchick and Harmony Cobel. Mark is offered a job as a Secondary Conversion Analyst but freaks out and runs away. He finds himself in a vast, sterile office full of cubicles and security guards.
Strengths "The mystery and suspense in the scene keep the audience engaged and curious about what is happening. The dialogue between Milchick and Mark effectively builds tension and confusion."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more character development and backstory to better understand the motives of the unknown entity and their orientation process. The pacing is also somewhat slow, with little action until the end."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and captures the tension and confusion that Mark is feeling in the situation. However, there are a few areas where improvements could be made:

- It is unclear why Mark is in this situation in the first place. Is he being held captive? Did he willingly sign up for something he now regrets? Adding a bit more context could help the audience understand his motivations and make the scene more engaging.
- The dialogue between Milchick and Mark feels a bit stilted and unnatural. It might be helpful to have more natural back-and-forth exchanges that give the characters more personality and depth.
- There are a few typos and formatting issues, such as missing punctuation and inconsistent capitalization. These should be corrected to ensure that the script is as polished and professional as possible.
Suggestions Overall, this scene needs more clarity in terms of what is happening and why. Here are my suggestions:

- Give more information on the setting and the situation at hand. Why is Mark in this darkened hall? What is he expecting to happen? Is he already suspicious of his situation? This will help build tension and create a sense of mystery.
- Clarify why Mark is being brought to this orientation chamber. Is it a job interview? A training program? What is the purpose of the conversion analyst team? This will make Mark's confusion and frustration more understandable to the audience.
- Add more depth to the characters of Milchick and Cobel. What are their motivations? Are they genuine in their intentions or is there a hidden agenda? This will add more layers to the scene and make it more interesting to watch.
- Show more of Mark's emotional journey as he realizes he is being held against his will. This could involve more dialogue or internal monologue from Mark, as well as more physical reactions to his surroundings. This will help the audience empathize with Mark and make the scene more engaging.
- Simplify and streamline some of the dialogue. Some lines, like "I haven't graciously accepted shit," feel a bit too on-the-nose and could be trimmed down or rewritten to sound more natural.
- Lastly, end the scene on a stronger note. While Mark's escape is exciting, it feels a bit abrupt and doesn't provide enough closure to the situation. Consider adding a final beat that shows what occurs next, even if it's just a reaction shot from Milchick and Cobel as they watch Mark run away.



Scene 3 -  Escape from Orientation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. STAIRWELL. DAY.

Mark bursts through the stairwell door and runs down the
stairs, tripping over his feet as he goes.

Spinning around on a middle landing, he comes face to face
with HELLY RIGGS, 19, small but quietly fierce.

She smirks.

HELLY
First day?

Mark scoots around her and continues down the stairs.
9.


INT. LOBBY. DAY.

Mark bursts out of the stairwell and into a spacious lobby.
The granite walls are accentuated by hanging plants and mini
fountains.

Ahead is a security checkpoint, where a MUSTACHED GUARD scans
incoming EMPLOYEES with an electric wand.

Beyond them is a bank of glass doors, but a concrete wall
beyond it blocks any view of the outside.

An elevator door opens, and Milchick and Cobel emerge.

MILCHICK
Mr. Scout!

Mark launches himself toward the security checkpoint. The
Mustached Guard moves to intercept him.

MUSTACHED GUARD
Hold it, sir-

Mark elbows the Guard hard in the eye and tries to leap over
a ribbon partition. The Guard grabs him by the foot.

COBEL
Just let him go!

Mark kicks the Guard and gets to his feet.

COBEL (CONT’D)
It doesn’t matter! Let him go!

Mark darts across the entryway, past the security checkpoint,
and through the exit door.

JUMP TO:


INT. LOBBY. DAY.

The light is suddenly different, indicating late afternoon.
The room is far less busy.

Mark steps into the door he just ran out of. He’s dressed in
a simple black suit and tie.

He looks to his left. The Mustached Guard sits in a folding
chair, holding an ice pack over his eye and glaring at Mark.

COBEL
How you feeling?
10.


Mark whips around to see Cobel standing next to him. She
smiles.

MARK
How am I-

COBEL
Relax. There’s a lot that needs to
be explained to you. Are you
familiar with morons, Mark?

MARK
Morons?

COBEL
Idiots. Simpletons. Unfortunately,
they have a king, who I brilliantly
placed in charge of your
orientation today. I apologize for
that.

Mark looks at his hands, which are sunburnt.

MARK
Why is my skin warm?

COBEL
Same reason you feel suddenly
calmer than before. You and I just
had a two-hour walk together.

MARK
What?

COBEL
We went to a park. You fed apples
to a horse. It was sweet.

MARK
What are you talking about? Why
would I go on a walk with you?

COBEL
Because outside of this office, you
and I are already good friends.

He stares at her, confused. She puts her arm around him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, my mother was Catholic. Not a
very good Catholic. When I had a
bad day, she used to tell me my
angels had a hangover.
(MORE)
11.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Right now, you probably feel like
your angels just OD’d on heroin.

MARK
You could say that.

COBEL
Well, the good thing about angels
is there’s a shitload of them. And
when your angels OD, it’s never too
terribly hard to find some new
ones.

Mark says nothing. Cobel turns and walks toward the
elevators.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Let’s go find some new angels.

Mark stares after her for a moment, then follows.

End of Act 1
12.


Act 2
Genres: ["sci-fi","drama","thriller"]

Summary Mark runs away from his orientation and finds himself in a sterile office. He tries to escape through the lobby but is caught by a security guard. Cobel intervenes, explaining that Mark and her are good friends outside of the office. She takes Mark on a walk to help him calm down.
Strengths "Strong introduction of characters and setting. Cobel's mysterious and intriguing personality adds depth to the story. The surreal nature of the situation adds suspense and intrigue."
Weaknesses "The sudden time jump may be confusing for some viewers. The pacing may be too slow for those looking for immediate action or conflict."
Critique Overall, the scene has a good sense of urgency and action, but there are some areas that could be improved.

First, the physical fight between Mark and the Mustached Guard feels unrealistic and unnecessary. It's not clear why Mark needs to physically attack the guard to escape, and it detracts from the tension and believability of the scene.

Second, the dialogue between Cobel and Mark at the end of the scene feels forced and unnatural. It's not clear why Cobel is suddenly revealing this personal information to Mark, and the exchange feels like it's trying too hard to be profound or mysterious.

Finally, the transition between the two parts of the scene could be smoother. The sudden change in lighting and atmosphere is jarring and takes the audience out of the story for a moment.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from reworking some of the dialogue and action to feel more organic and believable.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Establish Mark's motivation for running through the stairwell and past the security checkpoint. Is he late for an important meeting? Is he being chased by someone?

2. Give Helly Riggs a more significant role in the scene. Have her interact with Mark in a way that adds tension or conflict. Maybe she recognizes him and tries to stop him from leaving, or she is part of the security team and tries to detain him.

3. Simplify the action during the altercation with the Mustached Guard. The scene currently has a lot of movement and it's not always clear what's happening. Consider paring it down to just a few moves that are easy to visualize and understand.

4. Add more character development for Cobel. We learn a little about her in this scene, but it's all exposition. Try to show her personality through her actions and dialogue, rather than telling the audience about her.

5. Make the transition between the two parts of the scene smoother. There's a bit of a jarring shift between Mark running out of the lobby and then suddenly appearing back inside in a suit. Consider adding a transitional moment or a line of dialogue that makes the passage of time more clear.



Scene 4 -  The Welcome Sign
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.

IRVING BAILIFF, 65, sits under his desk. Irving is heavy and
bald, but his demeanor is childlike.

On the carpet in front of him sit a dozen small objects. A
snow globe paperweight. A couple of glue sticks. A handheld
pencil sharpener.

As two co-workers converse unseen, Irving arranges the
objects in a rough circle.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just seems soon to bring on a rook.
The ink ain’t dry on Petey yet.

HELLY
(o.s.)
We need a fourth. We can’t do the
job without a fourth.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Well, then maybe you shouldn’t have-

HELLY
(o.s.)
Petey got exactly what he wanted.
Besides, they’ve been training this
guy for months. It would have
happened eventually.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just seems soon.

Irving completes the circle and starts placing objects in the
middle.

DYLAN (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You really saw this guy’s dick?

HELLY
(o.s.)
Just for a second.
13.


DYLAN
(o.s.)
You shouldn’t go around seeing
dicks, you know. It’s a uniquely
distracting organ, biologically.

HELLY
(o.s.)
Well, I didn’t exactly seek it out.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Just makes me ill, them bringing in
some nice-dicked rook mere days
after Petey’s departure.

HELLY
(o.s.)
I didn’t say he was nice-dicked.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
What?

HELLY
(o.s.)
I didn’t say that. You said that.

Irving finishes the pattern. The objects are now arranged in
a crude human face. He smiles at it, wistfully.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
Look, we can split hairs all day or
we can prepare like we were told.
Where’s the welcome sign?

HELLY
(o.s.)
Irving’s going to do it.

DYLAN
(o.s.)
And Irving is where, exactly?

As footsteps approach, Irving hurriedly gathers all the
objects back up and puts them in a paper bag.

He stows the bag under the far corner of the desk.

Helly, the young woman from the stairwell, kneels down to
address Irving.
14.


HELLY
Hey, Irving.

Irving scoots around to face her.

IRVING
Hello.

HELLY
You having a little dark time?

IRVING
The lights hurt my brain.

HELLY
Mine too. Which is a good sign.
Means we have brains.

He smiles.

IRVING
Yeah. Big fat ones.

She smiles.

HELLY
Hey, I was hoping you’d hang up the
welcome sign before the next
culling starts. You did promise me.

IRVING
I was worried I’d mess it up and
Dylan would tease me.

She nods.

HELLY
Have you ever noticed how Dylan
never complains about the lights?

IRVING
Yeah.

HELLY
Yeah.

He laughs. She offers him her hand.

HELLY (CONT’D)
Come on. Let’s hang it up together.

He takes her hand.
15.


INT. OFFICE HALL. DAY.

Mark follows Cobel through the labyrinth of hallways.

MARK
Are there two buildings?

COBEL
Sorry?

MARK
When I ran outside, it led right
back into the lobby. Are there two
identical buildings?

COBEL
You’ll be seeing the video this
afternoon, which will explain
everything. Right now I want you to
meet a few of your colleagues.

They reach a door, marked “Culling Office.”

MARK
What’s the Culling Office?

She opens the door.

COBEL
It’s home.

She gestures for him to enter. He does.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Mark follows Cobel through the labyrinth of hallways and is taken to the Culling Office. Meanwhile, Irving struggles with the lights and Helly convinces him to put up the welcome sign.
Strengths "The scene builds up the mystery and intrigue of the Culling Office. The characters of Irving and Helly are unique and interesting."
Weaknesses "Mark's character is not well-defined or developed in this scene. The dialogue between Dylan and Helly feels unnecessary and distracting."
Critique Overall, this scene feels disjointed and confusing. It is not clear what the purpose of the scene is or how it is connected to the larger story. The dialogue between Dylan and Helly does not provide any information that is meaningful or relevant to the audience. Additionally, the actions of Irving and his arrangement of the objects in a circle and a crude human face are unclear and do not contribute to any understanding of character or plot.

There is also a lack of visual description, making it hard to visualize the setting and understand the actions of the characters. For example, it is not clear why Irving is sitting under his desk or why he is arranging objects in a circle and then a face.

Overall, there needs to be a clearer purpose and more description to make this scene more effective.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to clarify the context and stakes of the scene. What is the Culling Office and why is it important? Additionally, the dialogue between Dylan and Helly could be made more concise and focused on their disagreement, instead of veering off into discussions of male anatomy. Finally, more action or movement could be added to the scene to make it more visually interesting.



Scene 5 -  Office Orientation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CULLING OFFICE. CONTINUOUS

The office is large, blank and white. In the center, four
desks face one another. Helly sits at one, and to her left is
Irving. To her right is DYLAN HOGAN.

Dylan is 40, and despite a sense of swagger, looks vaguely
diseased.

All three type vigorously at clunky, beige computers at their
desks.

Mark stares at these three for a moment. He turns to Cobel-

MARK
Who are these-

But she’s gone. He turns back.

He slowly makes his way toward the center of the room.
16.


The others don’t look up from what they’re doing.

MARK (CONT’D)
Hello.

No response.

MARK (CONT’D)
I’m Mark. Apparently I’m supposed
to be-

DYLAN
So why aren’t you?

MARK
Sorry?

DYLAN
Why aren’t you doing what you’re
supposed to be doing?

MARK
I- They didn’t tell me-

DYLAN
There’s one chair without an ass in
it. How many asses do you have?

MARK
-One.

DYLAN
Seems fortuitous.

Mark stares at Dylan a long moment, before moving to the
empty chair. He sits.

IRVING
Did you see the sign?

MARK
The sign?

IRVING
I hung it for you. Helly helped.

Mark looks over. Small, gold paper letters spelling ‘WELCOME’
hang clumsily on the far wall.

IRVING (CONT’D)
It’s meant to make you feel
welcome.
17.


MARK
Thank you.

He stares at the computer screen in front of him. A series of
green symbols, including letters, numbers and pictographs,
moves across it in a single line.

Mark glances at Helly, who sits across from him.

MARK (CONT’D)
I don’t know what to-

HELLY
The game is to turn the green
symbols blue. You have to trick
them. They’ll fight you.

MARK
Okay. How?

HELLY
Put your fingers on the keys. Your
training will kick in.

MARK
I haven’t been-

HELLY
Yes, you have.

Mark puts his fingers on the keys and looks at the stream of
symbols.

He types a few characters into the computer. The stream turns
red.

MARK
They’re turning red.

DYLAN
Red’s bad.

HELLY
I said blue, remember?

MARK
Listen, who are you people?

HELLY
Keep typing!

Mark keeps typing random keys. The symbols continue to come
in red.
18.


MARK
Please. I- I need help, okay? I
woke up here an hour ago and I
can’t remember anything-

DYLAN
Sucks chunks, don’t it?

MARK
This happened to all of you?

HELLY
Three years ago for me. Which now
makes me the senior employee.

DYLAN
By like two days.

IRVING
I used to be the baby. Now that
you’re here, I’m just Irving.

MARK
What is this place? How do we get
out of here?

DYLAN
It’s all in the video, man.

MARK
What video?

IRVING
Why is he mad?

HELLY
He’s not.

IRVING
Petey was never mad.

MARK
Who the shit is Petey?

DYLAN
You know, culling time tends to be
quiet time!

MARK
To shit with culling time! I don’t
even know what that is!

IRVING
Language!
19.


DYLAN
Damnit!

For a moment, everyone just types. Dylan rubs his face.

DYLAN (CONT’D)
It’s Mark, you said. Right?

MARK
Yeah.

DYLAN
Okay, Mark, do me a favor. Look at
your screen.

MARK
What?

DYLAN
Just look.

Mark looks. The symbols on his screen have all turned blue.
He continues to type letters onto the keyboard, changing the
symbols to blue as they appear.

MARK
I’m turning them blue.

DYLAN
Funny that, huh?

MARK
How am I doing this?

DYLAN
Because you were trained to. Mark,
I know you’re losing your shit
right now. I did too. But there’s
an order to all this, and it will
present itself to you in due time.
So until that time comes, I need
you to just take a breath and trust
that you’re gonna be okay. Can you
do that for me, Mark?

Mark takes a deep breath.

MARK
Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. I just- I’m
okay.

They all keep typing. Long pause.
20.


IRVING
Is he mad because I hung the sign
bad?

DYLAN
Nah, Irving. You hung the sign
great.

More typing.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Mark finds himself in the Culling Office, a vast, sterile room full of cubicles and strange people. He struggles with the task of turning green symbols blue on his computer while trying to figure out what this place is and how he can escape.
Strengths "The scene effectively sets up a sense of confusion and disorientation for both the audience and Mark. The use of color as a visual motif to represent progress is clever and adds interest to a scene that could otherwise be dull. The characters are intriguing and have distinct personalities."
Weaknesses "The dialogue in this scene can be a bit on-the-nose at times, with characters stating information rather than showing it through action or subtext. The emotional impact of the scene is somewhat muted, with the audience not yet invested enough in Mark's predicament to feel strongly."
Critique Overall, this scene has some strong dialogue and characterizations, but there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the description of the setting is lacking. We are told the office is "large, blank and white," but not given any further details to help us imagine the space. Adding details such as the lighting, decor, or layout would help bring the space to life and add to the overall atmosphere.

Secondly, the action lines feel a bit sparse. There are few details to help us visualize what the characters are doing beyond typing on their computers. Adding small actions or reactions to the dialogue would help make the scene feel more dynamic.

Thirdly, there is some confusion in the dialogue about what exactly is going on and what the characters are referring to. Specifically, when the character Mark asks who the other people are, they respond with seemingly unrelated comments about chairs and signs. Clarifying their responses and making sure they are more directly addressing Mark's questions would help make the dialogue feel tighter and more coherent.

Overall, with some added description and stronger action lines, this scene has great potential to showcase its interesting characters and engaging dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, the dialogue in this scene could be tightened up and made more concise to make it more engaging. Here are a few specific suggestions:

- Consider starting the scene with Mark entering the office and looking around, rather than starting with a description of the office. This would engage the reader/viewer more immediately and allow for a more active opening.
- When Mark first speaks, have him introduce himself and ask a more specific question about what he's supposed to be doing. This will make his confusion and frustration more clear and give the other characters a more concrete goal in responding to him.
- Cut down on some of the snarky back-and-forth between Dylan and Mark, as it slows the pace of the scene and doesn't add to the tension or conflict. Instead, focus on building more mystery and intrigue about what's going on in the office and why Mark is there.
- Consider condensing the dialogue from the other characters – while some of their lines are funny or quirky, they don't add much to the plot or character development. Instead, focus on building up the tension and suspense of the situation and giving Mark more agency in figuring out his surroundings.



Scene 6 -  The Men's Room
  • Overall: 8.5
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. CULLING OFFICE MEN’S ROOM. DAY.

Mark enters the men’s room stall and sits down.

He rubs his face, breathing heavily.

After a moment, he opens his eyes.

He notices a message scratched into the bottom corner of the
stall: I’M TAKING ME WITH ME.

HELLY
(o.s.)
Don’t throw up, okay?

Mark straightens up, startled. Helly sits in the stall next
to him.

HELLY (CONT’D)
‘Cause if you do, then I will. Then
the janitor will have to come
through and he hits on me.

MARK
This is the men’s room.

HELLY
The women’s gets lonely.

Mark takes a deep breath.

MARK
You’re from the stairwell, right?

HELLY
Not originally. But I saw you
there.

MARK
Sorry I was naked.

HELLY
It’s cool. It was funny. I’m Helly.
21.


He stares ahead, uncomfortable.

MARK
What’s the thing with the letters?
Why do we do that?

HELLY
It’s called data culling. And I
have no idea.

MARK
You don’t know what it means?

HELLY
Nope. I know it’s important,
though.

MARK
Uh huh. And how much of this is
going to make sense once I’ve seen
this video everyone keeps talking
about?

HELLY
Exactly four percent.

He smiles in spite of himself.

HELLY (CONT’D)
You’re not going to see it, though.

MARK
Sorry?

HELLY
Not today, anyway.

MARK
Cobel said-

HELLY
Something will come up. There will
be an inspection, or a drill. I was
here six months before I saw it.

MARK
Why?

She thinks about this a moment.

HELLY
Because you’re more likely to
accept it once they’ve broken you
some.
22.


The door opens and Irving sticks his head in.

IRVING
Helly?

HELLY
Hi Irving.

IRVING
You’re supposed to go in the girl’s
room. You’re a girl.

HELLY
I know. I’m sorry.

IRVING
Did you forget?

HELLY
Yeah, I forgot. Can you not tell on
me, please?

IRVING
Okay, but I’ll write it in my
diary.

HELLY
That’s good.

He leaves. A pause.

MARK
Is he okay?

HELLY
He’s different. He’s also by far
the fastest culler in the office.

The door opens and Irving pops in again.

IRVING
Also, if Mark’s in here, tell him
that we have an inspection tonight.
So they’ll show him the video
tomorrow.

HELLY
Thanks, Irving. I’ll tell him.

Irving leaves. A long pause.

MARK
Is there any way out of here?
23.


Long pause.

HELLY
You should watch the video.

MARK
Thanks. I’ll look forward to that.

Using her foot, she slides a scrap of toilet paper under the
stall wall.

HELLY
I mean you should watch it now.

Mark looks down at the toilet paper scrap. Drawn on it in pen
is a crude map.


INT. THIN HALLWAY. DAY.

Carrying the toilet paper map, Mark slinks down the empty
hall with what he thinks is stealth.

He rounds a bend and comes to a long line of doors. As he
moves past them, he eyes the map.

MARK
Three, four, five-

He reaches the sixth door, marked STORAGE, opens it and steps
inside.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Mark finds himself in the men's room and meets Helly. They discuss data culling and the video everyone talks about. Irving interrupts and informs Helly of an inspection, meaning Mark will finally see the video. Helly gives Mark a crude map to find a way out of the office.
Strengths "The dialogue between Mark and Helly is intriguing and adds depth to the mystery of the story. The introduction of Irving's character adds an element of quirkiness to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and can feel slow-paced at times."
Critique Overall, this scene has strong dialogue and character development, but it lacks clear action and objectives. The conversation between Mark and Helly reveals some important information about the data culling and the upcoming video, but it doesn't provide any clear next steps for the characters. Additionally, the setting (men's room stall) feels limiting and doesn't offer much visual interest.

One way to improve this scene would be to add more tension or urgency to the characters' conversation, perhaps by giving them a specific goal or obstacle to overcome. Additionally, providing more sensory details about the setting (sounds, smells, lighting) could help make the scene feel more vivid and immersive for the audience. Overall, this scene has the potential to be a strong character moment, but it needs more purpose and momentum.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: While the dialogue between Mark and Helly is entertaining, it's not clear what the purpose of the scene is or how it advances the plot. It may be helpful to think about the scene's function within the larger story and consider ways to make it more meaningful or impactful.

2. Create more tension: Although Mark is supposed to be anxious about seeing the data culling video, there's not much tension in the scene. Adding more conflict or stakes could make the scene more gripping. For example, what if Helly has information that Mark needs, but she's not willing to share unless he agrees to help her with something?

3. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Helly explain what the message in the bathroom stall means, consider showing the audience its meaning through a visual cue or action. This will make the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.

4. Use blocking to add subtext: Blocking refers to the movement and physical positioning of characters within a scene. By carefully choreographing the movement of Mark and Helly, you can add layers of subtext and nuance to their conversation. For example, if Helly is physically blocking Mark from leaving the bathroom stall, it could suggest that she's trying to assert her dominance over him.

5. Consider the pacing: Depending on the needs of the larger story, it may be necessary to condense or expand this scene to keep the pacing consistent. If it feels too slow, try trimming some of the dialogue or adding more action. If it feels rushed, slow down the pacing and focus on building the tension.



Scene 7 -  The Video Archives
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. STORAGE CLOSET. CONTINUOUS.

Mark enters the closet, which is small and cramped and lined
on all sides by deep shelves.

He shuts the door and turns on the light.

He locates this room on the map. Here, Helly has written the
word UP.

Cautiously, Mark looks up, his eyes widening.

The narrow closet appears to stretch upward forever, with
hundreds of levels of shelves stacked atop one another. The
ceiling, if there is one, is not visible.

Mark looks back at the word UP printed on the map.

MARK
Shit.
24.


INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.

Helly enters the office to find Milchick standing by the
door.

MILCHICK
Miss Riggs.

HELLY
Mr. Milchick.

MILCHICK
Have you seen Mr. Scout?

HELLY
No. He’s maybe in the bathroom.

Milchick looks at the floor.

MILCHICK
I forgot to offer him pants at the
orientation today. Bungled the
whole thing like a ninny.

Helly nods, empathetic.


INT. STORAGE CLOSET. DAY.

Mark climbs the shelves, his face drenched in sweat. The
floor is no longer visible below.

He passes a shelf which contains a symmetrical pile of
metallic gold boxes.

He rests a foot on this shelf, causing it to creak. He stops.

The shelf gives way, sending the gold boxes careening
downward.

Mark grabs hold of the shelf above him, his feet dangling
over the endless darkness below.

He struggles to find another foothold. Grimacing, he pulls
himself up to the next shelf.

He forces himself to look up. About ten feet above him is a
platform and a thin, metallic door, like the one he came in.


INT. UPPER HALLWAY. EVENING.

Mark opens the thin door, gasping for breath.
25.


This hall is all black. What little light there is seeps out
from behind massive, closed doors. Distant whispers echo from
hidden rooms.

Mark shuts the supply closet and starts cautiously down the
hall.

As he moves, he hears the sound of heavy footsteps
approaching.

Panicking, he spies a door ajar and ducks through it.


INT. CUBICLE ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Mark scoots into the room, his back against the wall.

He shuts his eyes, terrified, as the heavy footsteps pass by
outside. They slowly disappear down the hall.

Mark opens his eyes.

The concrete room is empty, except for a large cubicle.
Unlike the ones downstairs, it is a perfect cube, complete
with a “roof” on top. There are no apparent openings.

Mark gets up and moves toward the cubicle.

WOMAN’S VOICE
(o.s.)
Is someone out there?

Mark’s breath stops, but he keeps moving.

WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You can’t keep me here. They’ll
come looking for me.

Mark stops inches from the cubicle. He notices an inch-wide
gap between the frame and the fabric of one of the walls.

He leans in to examine it.

Suddenly, a horrible, bloodshot EYE peers out.

WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
I want to see my baby!

Panicking, Mark turns and flees the room.
26.


INT. CULLING OFFICE. DAY.

Milchick sits in a plastic chair at Helly’s desk as she goes
over documents.

MILCHICK
I think the pants were a tertiary
issue. The real problem’s my
personality. I’ve been told I’m
just awful.

The door flies open and Cobel enters.

COBEL
Milchick! We’ve got a security
breach upstairs!

MILCHICK
What? How?

COBEL
Where’s Scout?

She looks around the room, approaching panic.


INT. UPPER HALLWAY. CONTINUOUS.

Mark runs down the hall. He passes a series of shut doors,
his pace growing faster.

He suddenly stops.

In front of him is a door, smaller than the others, with a
dim green light behind it. It reads VIDEO ARCHIVES.

He looks at the map. The final destination reads ‘VA.’

COBEL
Mark!

Mark whips around to see Cobel and Milchick running down the
hall toward him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, don’t go in there!

Mark grabs the handle, but the door is stuck. He yanks again,
pulling it open.
27.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Mark finds himself in a storage closet that extends upwards forever. He climbs his way out, and finds himself in a menacing hallway full of closed doors and distant whispers. He seeks shelter in a cube-shaped cubicle and finds a frightful presence inside. At the end of the hallway, he finds the Video Archives, and Cobel and Milchick warn him not to enter.
Strengths
  • Scene builds tension and suspense effectively
  • Unique setting with the storage closet extending upwards endlessly
  • Introduction of frightening presence in the cubicle adds to the mystery and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be stronger and more impactful
  • Lack of clarity on what exactly the Culling Office is and what they do
  • Lack of emotional connection to the characters
Critique Overall, the scene is engaging and suspenseful with a clear sense of tension building throughout. The use of vivid imagery and sensory details effectively communicates the cramped and claustrophobic nature of the storage closet and the unsettling atmosphere of the upper hallway. The scene also effectively introduces key plot points, such as the discovery of the massive storage closet and the apparent imprisonment of a woman, which add to the overall mystery and intrigue of the story.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. First, the dialogue between Helly and Milchick feels somewhat disconnected from the action in the storage closet. While it does serve to establish Milchick's character and add some humor to the scene, it feels somewhat unnecessary and could be streamlined to better connect with the main action of the scene.

Additionally, there could be more development of Mark's character and motivations. It's not entirely clear why he is exploring the storage closet or what his ultimate goal is, which can make it difficult for the audience to fully engage with his character. Adding a bit more context and backstory could help build a stronger connection between the audience and the protagonist.

Overall, the scene has a strong foundation and effectively builds tension and intrigue. With a bit more development of the characters and dialogue, it could be even more impactful.
Suggestions 1. Increase tension and stakes: While the scene has some moments of tension, it could benefit from increasing the stakes and making the situation even more dire for Mark. Perhaps there could be a time limit or a consequence if he doesn't reach his goal, or there could be a sense of impending danger that is more present and threatening.

2. Develop character motivation and emotion: Mark's character could be further developed to make his actions and decisions more clear and driven by emotion. It would be helpful to know why he needs to find the video archives so badly and what drives him to risk his life climbing through the storage closet. Adding more personal stakes or backstory could make his character more relatable and engaging for the audience.

3. Clarify the setting and environment: While the description of the storage closet and upper hallway is detailed, it can be difficult for the audience to fully visualize and understand the environment. Adding in more sensory details and clarifying the layout of the space could create a more immersive and vivid experience for the audience.

4. Improve dialogue and pacing: Some of the dialogue in the scene feels stilted or unnecessary, and there are moments where the pacing could be quicker or slower to create more tension or build up to a certain moment. Streamlining the dialogue and adjusting the pacing could make the scene more engaging and impactful for the audience.



Scene 8 -  The Video Archives
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. VIDEO ARCHIVE ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Mark enters the small, cramped room bathed in green light. He
slams the door behind him and locks it.

All walls are covered with heavy file cabinets. In the corner
is a small, dusty television with a built-in VCR.

There’s a rapping at the door.

COBEL
(o.s.)
Mark! Open the door!

Mark moves to the end of the room and opens a cabinet.

It’s full of VHS tapes, each labeled with a name, and all
carefully alphabetized.

The door rattles.

COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
You weren’t meant to come up here
yet. Please, it’s dangerous!

Mark moves to another cabinet and opens it. More tapes.

Searching, he finds a drawer in the middle of the room and
opens it. These tapes are labeled with ‘S’ names. Rooting
through, he finds one marked ‘Scout, Mark.’

He moves to the television and flips it on. The image is of
grey static, accompanied by a dull roar.

COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Mark, I know you have questions. If
you come out now, I promise I’ll
explain everything.

He pushes in the tape.

The static roar stops, and for a moment, the room is quiet.

End of Act 2.
28.


ACT 3


BLACKNESS.

SCREEN TEXT: FIVE DAYS EARLIER.


INT. MARK’S BEDROOM. MORNING.

Mark lays, asleep, on a mattress on the floor.

The walls are a gentle blue, and the room is outfitted for a
baby. In the corner sits a crib.

A woman’s bare foot slowly moves over Mark’s face.

Wrinkling his nose, Mark bolts up.

MARK
What the shit?

His sister, DEVON, stands over him. She’s 30, and many, many
months pregnant.

DEVON
Hey, butterfly.

MARK
Your foot smells like pregnancy.

DEVON
Get up. You need toast.

MARK
I don’t want toast.

DEVON
You’re supposed to eat before an
interview.

MARK
Says who?

DEVON
Science.

Mark sits up, rubbing his face.

MARK
I don’t want to go. Go for me.

DEVON
I don’t think they’ll be fooled.
29.


MARK
Yeah they will. Just cut your hair,
throw on a tie and have your baby.

She smiles and goes to the door.

DEVON
Come have toast.

MARK
No.


INT. HALE HOUSEHOLD, KITCHEN. MORNING.

Mark sits at the table in a shirt and tie, begrudgingly
eating toast.

Next to him is RICKEN, 40, in a silk robe and androgynous
glasses.

RICKEN
Has the mattress been comfortable?

MARK
Yes. Thanks.

RICKEN
What are you going to say at the
interview?

MARK
I don’t know.

RICKEN
You should mention that you’re
staying with us.

Devon brings over two glasses of grapefruit juice.

MARK
Well, living in the future bedroom
of your sister’s baby wasn’t one of
their preferred qualifications.

RICKEN
Tolstoy used to live with relatives
for years at a time.

MARK
I’m not interviewing to be
President of Russia.
30.


RICKEN
Tolstoy wasn’t-

DEVON
He knows, babe. He’s screwing with
you.

MARK
No, I was being legitimately dumb
that time.

Ricken puts his hand on Mark’s shoulder.

RICKEN
Mark, I think you’re going to get
this job. I know things have been
hard-

MARK
Actually, things have been really
great since you put your hand on my
shoulder three seconds ago.

Ricken removes his hand.

RICKEN
I just think your life is about to
get a lot better.

Mark stares at him blankly.

MARK
Thanks for the toast.

He gets up and exits. Ricken shoots Devon an annoyed look.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi","Mystery"]

Summary Mark finds himself in a small room in the Video Archives, where he searches for answers about the mysterious place while trying not to be caught by Cobel. He finds a VHS tape with his name on it and begins to watch it.
Strengths "The tension is high throughout the scene as Mark tries to find answers while avoiding Cobel. The mystery and intrigue surrounding the Culling Office and Video Archives add depth and interest to the story. The themes of surveillance and control are well-developed."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more engaging, and some of the character motivations and relationships could be further explored."
Critique Overall, the scene sets up an intriguing mystery in the video archive room, but the preceding scene in Mark's bedroom and kitchen feels disconnected. The dialogue between characters is somewhat flat and lacks subtext, making it difficult for the audience to become invested in their relationships or motivations. The scene also feels overly long and drawn out, with extraneous details that don't move the story forward, such as the description of the room and its furnishings. Additionally, while the dialogue attempts to create humor, the timing feels off and the jokes fall short. Overall, the scene needs more focus on character development and purpose to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Add more tension and urgency to the scene by having Cobel explain why it's dangerous for Mark to be in the room and why he shouldn't have opened certain cabinets.
- Add more visual description to give the reader a better sense of the space and atmosphere. For example, describe the sound of the door rattling or the feeling of dust in the air.
- Consider cutting the flashback to Mark's interview preparation with his family as it interrupts the flow of the scene and doesn't add much to the overall story. If this information is important, try finding a way to incorporate it more seamlessly into later scenes.



Scene 9 -  The Accident
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. HALE HOUSEHOLD, YARD. MORNING.

Mark goes to his car. Devon follows him out.

The suburban, Pacific Northwest neighborhood is coated in a
layer of frozen dew. Devon and Mark’s breath is visible in
the morning light.

DEVON
It’s cool how you act like you’re
better than the man who’s sharing
his house with you.

MARK
It’s your house.
31.


DEVON
Hey.

Mark turns.

DEVON (CONT’D)
If this interview goes- not great-

MARK
Why would it?

DEVON
Don’t go to the bars after, okay?
Like, at least come home first.

Mark smiles.

MARK
You know, he made up the Tolstoy
thing.

DEVON
I know.

Mark gets in the car.


INT. MARK’S CAR. MORNING.

Mark speeds along an icy road surrounded by evergreen trees.
A thick fog makes for poor visibility.

He stares ahead, pensive.

MARK
Hi, I’m Mark Scout.

He shuts his eyes.

MARK (CONT’D)
Good to meet you. Mark Scout.

A deep breath.

MARK (CONT’D)
This place is great. My name is-

The car hits something with a thud. Mark opens his eyes and
slams on the brakes.

He sits for a long moment, breathing heavily.

MARK (CONT’D)
Shit.
32.


EXT. FORESTED ROAD. CONTINUOUS.

Mark gets out of the car.

About ten feet behind him on the road lies a white cat. It
doesn’t move.

MARK
Oh no.

Mark glances over to a large, Victorian-style house just off
the road. It’s the only building in sight.

He takes a step toward the cat.

MARK (CONT’D)
Cat?

No response. He claps his hands. It doesn’t move.

He glances down at his watch.

MARK (CONT’D)
Damnit.

He moves back to the car, plopping into the driver’s seat.
Gritting his teeth, he sounds his horn.

No response from the house. He lays on the horn again, this
time for longer.

He notices the curtains in one of the upper windows move.

Hastily, he flips the car into drive and speeds off.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mark Scout is driving to his interview, reciting his introduction to himself. Suddenly, his car hits a cat. He tries to revive the cat but it won't budge. Mark looks up to see a large, Victorian-style house nearby. He honks the horn, but no one comes out. He decides to leave and drive away.
Strengths "The scene sets the tense, unsettling mood for the rest of the movie. It also introduces important character traits of Mark Scout, such as his nervousness and tendency to rehearse his lines."
Weaknesses "Not much plot progression happens, and the scene could have been shorter."
Critique Overall, the scene could benefit from more context, character development, and stakes. It's unclear why Mark is going to this interview and what is at stake for him, which can make it difficult for the audience to become invested in the scene. Additionally, there could be more conflict between Mark and Devon that can make their dynamic more interesting to watch.

The dialogue between Mark and Devon feels a bit mundane and doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship. Adding more subtext to their conversation, or giving them conflicting goals or desires, could make it more engaging for the audience.

The car accident at the end of the scene feels somewhat random and doesn't provide a clear connection to the rest of the scene. Adding more foreshadowing or context to the accident, or tying it back to the interview or Mark's character arc, could make it feel more meaningful.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more development in terms of characters, stakes, and unfolding action.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Establish the characters and their relationship more clearly. Right now, we know Mark and Devon are talking, but we don't know who they are or why they're important.

2. Build tension and stakes earlier in the scene. Right now, the scene feels relatively mundane until the car accident happens. Adding in some early foreshadowing or creating a sense of urgency in the conversation could help.

3. Consider adding in some more sensory details to make the setting and the action feel more vivid. Right now, there's a lot of dialogue and not a lot of description.

4. Use the car accident as an opportunity to reveal something important about Mark's character or the story as a whole. Right now, it feels like an arbitrary event that happens just to create a setback for the character.

5. Think about how this scene fits into the larger narrative. What purpose does it serve in the story, and how can it be used to build towards the climax? Consider adding in some thematic or symbolic elements that tie into the larger themes of the script.



Scene 10 -  Crazy Eagle Video Interview
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. CRAZY EAGLE VIDEO. DAY.

A card table has been set up in the middle of the store.
Racks of DVD’s line the walls.

Mark sits across from SETH, the store manager, 25 and
mustached.

SETH
It’s a lot of dusting of the DVD’s
and making sure they’re in order.
Do you have DVD’s at home?

MARK
I do.
33.


SETH
Yeah, so you know. I’ve been
covering all the shifts myself for
a year now. But massage school’s a
huge commitment so I’ll be busy.
Plus I expect to make friends
there.

MARK
My schedule’s very open.

Seth looks over Mark’s resume. Mark shifts, uncomfortable.

SETH
You okay?

MARK
Yeah.

SETH
You seem weird.

MARK
I’m fine.

Seth looks back at the resume.

SETH
So, it says you used to be a
professor of-

MARK
That was a while ago.

SETH
You know this is minimum wage?

MARK
It’s fine.

Seth stares at Mark a minute. Mark is sweating.

SETH
Okay, well, the last question is
one I ask everyone. Do you have any
weaknesses that you think would
prevent you from living up to the
tradition of Crazy Eagle Video?

Mark looks down, fidgeting.

MARK
No.
34.


SETH
I gotta write something or my uncle
gets pissed.

Pause. Mark looks back up at Seth.

MARK
I ran over a cat.

SETH
What?

MARK
On my way here. With my car. I
don’t know if it’s dead.

SETH
I don’t-

MARK
I should have checked, seen if it
was breathing, but I was nervous to
get here. Can cats be in a coma?

SETH
I don’t know.

MARK
What kind of monster am I? Who hits
a cat and then drives off to
interview for a job no sane person
would even want?

SETH
So- what should I write?

Mark thinks a moment, then gets up.

MARK
I’m gonna go see if it’s dead. Good
luck with your movie store. Don’t
give me the job.

Mark puts on his coat and exits, leaving Seth baffled.


EXT. FORESTED ROAD. DAY.

Mark stands in front of his car, staring at a BLOOD STAIN on
the pavement where the cat used to be.

He turns and looks at the house.

With a deep breath, he walks toward it.
35.
Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Mark goes to a job interview at Crazy Eagle Video where he gets asked strange questions by the manager, Seth. Mark admits he ran over a cat on his way there and leaves to check on it, ultimately walking towards a nearby house.
Strengths "Good use of humor and awkward tension between the two characters. Mark's confession of hitting a cat adds surprising depth to the scene."
Weaknesses "Limited visual description and lack of action in the scene."
Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved upon. Firstly, it's not entirely clear why we're seeing this scene – what is its purpose in the story? If it's simply to establish that Mark needs a job and is applying at Crazy Eagle Video, then it could be shorter and more to the point.

Additionally, the dialogue could use some tightening up. There are a lot of pauses and stutters in the conversation between Mark and Seth, and it makes the scene feel somewhat slow and stagnant. It would be more engaging if the conversation flowed more smoothly and had more purposeful back-and-forth between the characters.

Finally, the ending of the scene where Mark confesses to running over a cat feels a bit forced and contrived. It's not entirely clear what the intention is with this revelation – is it meant to be a comedic moment or something more serious? It doesn't quite land, leaving the viewer confused and unsure of how to interpret the scene.

In order to improve this scene, it might be helpful to give it more context within the larger story and ensure that the dialogue is both engaging and purposeful. Additionally, the ending could be reworked to have a stronger payoff that feels more organic to the story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more context to the scene to better establish the setting and the characters. For example, describe the store in more detail and provide a clearer understanding of who Mark and Seth are.

2. Create clearer motivations for Mark and Seth. Why does Mark want this job? Why has Seth been covering all the shifts himself? This will help make the conversation between them feel more purposeful and engaging.

3. Increase the stakes of the scene by adding a greater sense of urgency or tension. This could be accomplished by having a deadline or other consequences attached to the job, or by introducing some sort of obstacle or conflict that Mark and Seth need to overcome.

4. Give the characters more distinct voices and personalities. This will make the dialogue more engaging and help differentiate the two characters from one another.

5. Add more description and action to the scene. This will help break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually interesting and dynamic. For example, you could have Mark or Seth do something as they talk, such as looking at the DVDs or shuffling papers on the table.

6. Consider adding more humor to the scene. This will help lighten the mood and make the characters more likable and relatable. For example, you could have Mark make a joke about the job or the store, or have Seth make a sarcastic comment.

7. Finally, make sure the scene serves a clear purpose in the overall story. What is the scene trying to accomplish? How does it move the plot or the characters forward? Answering these questions will help ensure that the scene is necessary and meaningful.



Scene 11 -  Mark's Apology
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. VICTORIAN HOUSE. DAY.

Mark knocks on the door. He looks around. The forest is
silent.

A LITTLE GIRL, 3, opens the door.

MARK
Hello. I was just- Are your parents
home?

LITTLE GIRL
Someone killed our cat.

MARK
That’s- awful.

LITTLE GIRL
Did you kill our cat?

Mark stares at her a moment.

MARK
I did.

She turns and walks into the dark house.

Mark cranes his neck to look after her.

Suddenly, a WOMAN steps in front of the door, startling Mark.
This is Harmony Cobel, the woman from the Orientation
Chamber.

MARK (CONT’D)
Oh. I’m sorry-

COBEL
So it would appear.

MARK
What?

COBEL
You’re here. One would assume that
means you’re sorry.

MARK
I- Well, I wanted to check on the
cat-

COBEL
He was dead the moment you hit him
and he’s remained so.
36.


MARK
I’m sorry.

COBEL
You mentioned.

MARK
How did you know I had-

COBEL
You came here from work?

MARK
An interview.

COBEL
Did you get it?

MARK
No.

COBEL
Condolences.

MARK
Yes. Well- Look, I want to
apologize. Truly, I can’t tell you
how sorry I am. I’d be happy to pay
you for-

COBEL
Would you like to see it?

Pause.

MARK
Would I like to see the cat?

COBEL
Yes.

MARK
No.
Genres: ["horror","drama","mystery"]

Summary Mark goes to the Victorian house to apologize for killing the little girl's cat. He meets Harmony Cobel, the woman from the Orientation Chamber, who confronts him about the incident. She offers to show Mark the dead cat.
Strengths "The scene is suspenseful and mysterious, with interesting characters and strong dialogue. It adds to the overall mood and tone of the screenplay."
Weaknesses "The scene may not advance the plot much, and some viewers may find it slow-paced."
Critique Overall, this scene is effective in establishing a tense and mysterious tone. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue could be strengthened by giving the Little Girl more depth as a character. Her only purpose in the scene seems to be to provide a creepy introduction before disappearing inside the house. If the writer included more about her personality or behavior, it would make her character more interesting and memorable.

Secondly, the reveal that the Woman is Harmony Cobel feels somewhat forced and out of nowhere. By mentioning her name earlier or incorporating her more naturally into the conversation, it would make the reveal feel less forced and more satisfying for the audience.

Lastly, the ending is slightly abrupt. Although Mark's refusal to see the cat adds to the tension and mystery of the scene, it could benefit from a beat that allows the audience to sit with the information a little longer before cutting to the next scene.

Overall, with some minor tweaks to the dialogue and pacing, this scene could be even more effective in establishing the tone and mystery of the story.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the characters - currently, the Little Girl and Harmony Cobel are introduced but not much is known about them. Consider adding some information about who they are and why they are there.
2. Add more emotion - the scene should elicit an emotional response from the audience, but currently, it's lacking in that aspect. Consider adding a moment where Mark is visibly upset or remorseful about the cat's death.
3. Create tension - there's an opportunity to create tension between Mark and Cobel, especially since she knows he killed the cat. Consider adding some dialogue or actions that could escalate the situation.
4. Make the scene more specific - right now, the scene is fairly vague and could benefit from more specific details. For example, what kind of house is it? What time of day is it? What is the forest like? These types of details could help set the tone and create a more vivid picture for the audience.



Scene 12 -  The Pickle Encounter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. COBEL’S HOUSE, PARLOR. DAY.

Mark and Cobel stand over the body of the cat, which lays on
a white linen tablecloth surrounded by candles.

Cobel munches on a pickle. She offers one to Mark.

COBEL
Pickle?
37.


MARK
No. Thank you.

COBEL
I grew them myself. I insist.

Mark takes the pickle. Awkwardly, he takes a bite.

Pause.

MARK
What was his name?

COBEL
Mister.

MARK
That’s a funny name for a cat.

COBEL
Well. I suppose I’m funny.

Each takes another bite of pickle.

MARK
I’m Mark.

COBEL
Harmony Cobel.

MARK
Pleasure.

COBEL
It’s of interest to me, Mark, that
you drove away. You seem more
courteous than that. Were you
afraid?

MARK
I guess.

COBEL
Yet you had the courage to come
back, knowing our disdain for you
would be compounded by the initial
act of cowardice.

MARK
Well, it seemed right.

COBEL
And how did the actual slaying
feel?
38.


MARK
Slaying?

COBEL
I, myself, have only murdered small
insects. Nothing mammalian. Did it
make you feel powerful?

MARK
No. No, not at all. It was the
opposite of that.

COBEL
The opposite of power? Describe
that for me.

MARK
I just had to go. I felt horrible
for- Mister, but- I had an
interview. I couldn’t feel horrible
right then.

COBEL
And how many things in your life
are you putting off feeling
horrible about?

She takes a massive pickle bite.

MARK
I should get home. Excuse me.

He turns to leave.

COBEL
Do you feel horrible about Eleanor?

He stops. He turns around, his legs suddenly shaky.

COBEL (CONT’D)
In the divorce proceedings, she
accused you of, quote, acute
workoholism. I’ve never heard it
phrased that way. She sounds like a
firecracker.

He stares at her, steadying himself against a side table.

MARK
How do you-
39.


COBEL
Or what about being fired via text
message two days after signing
divorce papers? Decreased focus,
they cited. Have you gotten around
to feeling horrible about that?

Mark falls back against the wall.

MARK
I feel sick.

COBEL
Take it easy.

MARK
What was in that pickle?

COBEL
I won’t lie, there were drugs in
the pickle.

Mark falls to the floor, his vision blurring.

Cobel slowly walks toward him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
I’m proud of you for coming back,
Mark. That was very, very brave.

The room goes dark as Mark passes out.

End of Act 3.
40.


ACT 4
Genres: ["drama","psychological thriller"]

Summary Mark seeks redemption for killing Harmony Cobel's cat, but ends up drugged and confronted about his past deeds and emotions.
Strengths "The scene is psychologically intense and reveals a lot about Mark's character and past, while setting up the final act. The ambiguity and tension in Cobel's dialogue keeps the audience guessing."
Weaknesses "The scene may be slow and dialogue-heavy for some viewers, and the pickle-drugging plot device may seem over-the-top or implausible to some."
Critique The scene is intriguing and well written with an element of suspense throughout the conversation. The surreal tone and the odd setting in which the characters discuss a dead cat lend to a sense of unease. The characters' dialogue is well-crafted, and their words reveal a lot about them. Cobel is manipulative and threatening, and Mark is vulnerable and weak-willed. The scene also presents a dark sense of humor and serves to build the themes of guilt and regret.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, it is unclear why Cobel is offering Mark a pickle. It seems like an odd gesture that doesn't serve any purpose in the scene. Secondly, the introduction of drugs in the pickle feels somewhat contrived and predictable considering the ominous tone of the scene. Finally, the sudden shift to Mark passing out feels somewhat rushed and abrupt, leaving the audience wondering what happened to him.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some refining to make the story clearer and more engaging.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene could benefit from more tension, especially since it is leading up to the climax of Act 3. One way to do this is to increase the sense of danger or threat surrounding Cobel. This could be done through her actions, her tone of voice, or even the way she looks at Mark.

2. Clarify the stakes: It's not entirely clear what Cobel wants from Mark in this scene. Is she trying to intimidate him, or does she have another agenda? Clarifying her motives will help make the scene more engaging.

3. Develop the characters: The scene could be more compelling if we had a better sense of who these characters are and what they want. For example, why is Cobel so fixated on Mark? Is there something about him that intrigues her, or is she simply looking for a new victim? Similarly, why did Mark feel the need to come back to Cobel's house, despite his fear?

4. Increase the visual interest: The scene takes place in a single location and involves a lot of talking. To make it more visually interesting, consider adding some action or movement. For example, Cobel could be doing something while she talks to Mark, or Mark could be trying to escape from the room.

5. Add more conflict: Conflict is what drives drama, and this scene could benefit from more of it. Perhaps Mark could confront Cobel about her true motives, or Cobel could reveal some shocking information that throws Mark off balance. Whatever the case, adding more conflict will make the scene more engaging.



Scene 13 -  The Job Offer
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. COBEL’S HOUSE, BASEMENT. NIGHT.

Mark slowly awakens, his head spinning. The room is dank, the
walls made of rotted wood.

He sits in a chair at a table. Cobel sits across from him. In
her hand is a shoebox.

COBEL
You’re up.

Mark tries to stand but finds he’s handcuffed.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Mark, I feel like I’ve been hard to
read so far. That’s irksome. Will
you let me explain myself?

MARK
Please- let me go.

COBEL
I heard you slam on your brakes
after you hit Mister. I wrote down
your plate number on a takeout menu
and looked you up after you drove
off. That’s why I know who you are.
Simple as that.

MARK
The things you knew- There’s no way-

COBEL
It was specific, right? That’s the
other thing I wanted to talk about.
See, I work for an organization
that’s in the business of
specificity. We don’t like not
knowing things.

MARK
What else do you know about me?

She leans back.

COBEL
I know you’re brilliant. I know you
were doing calculus at nine, took
college classes at eleven.
(MORE)
41.

COBEL (CONT'D)
I know you’ve struggled with focus
your whole life, and that after
your divorce, you spent most of a
night standing on the Skagit bridge
begging yourself to jump.

MARK
No one knows that.

COBEL
Someone does.

MARK
Why am I here?

COBEL
I want to offer you a job.

MARK
Why am I handcuffed?

COBEL
The job’s a tough sell.

She pushes the box toward him.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Let me digress a second. I want to
introduce you to someone who’s
actually grateful to you for
killing Mister. Are you okay? I
know this is a lot.

Mark says nothing.

She takes the top off the box. Inside is a black rat. Mark
recoils.

COBEL (CONT’D)
This is Miss. Don’t let the name
fool you, he’s male. My daughter
picks the names.

Cobel reaches into the box. Miss nuzzles her hand.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Now, I’ve raised Miss from infancy.
I cuddle him at night, feed him by
hand. See how he loves me? Yes, you
do, little Miss.

MARK
Why are you showing me your rat?
42.


She reaches under the table and pulls out a small cylindrical
device with a single switch on top. She lays it on the table
next to the box.

COBEL
This beacon was built by my
company. It broadcasts a hyper-
sonar frequency, which activates a
chip inside Miss’s brain. When the
beacon is on, Miss can only access
memories from when it was on. When
it’s off, he remembers everything
else. Does that make sense?

She flips the switch on the beacon, which hums almost
inaudibly.

Miss instantly becomes hysterical, retreating to the back of
the box and squeaking in terror.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Now, I should mention that when the
beacon is on, I burn Miss on the
belly with a soldering iron.

She reaches into the box. Miss cowers in terror.

COBEL (CONT’D)
He screams and screams. But I don’t
stop. Sometimes it lasts an hour.

She removes her hand.

COBEL (CONT’D)
Okay, enough of that.

Cobel clicks the beacon off again. Miss instantly calms down.
Cobel picks her up and nuzzles her affectionately.

Mark stares at this in horror.

MARK
Who the hell are you?

Cobel lets Miss crawl onto the back of her neck.

COBEL
I’m an office manager. I work at
the most revolutionary company on
the planet, and I’m prepared to
offer you half a million dollars a
year to come join us.
(MORE)
43.

COBEL (CONT'D)
The only condition is that you will
receive a beacon of your own and
your perceptual chronologies will
be split. Between the hours of nine
and five, you will have no
knowledge of who you are or where
you are from. Only work memories.
And in your outside life, you will
know nothing of what you do for the
company. The vital nature of the
work requires such secrecy.

Mark stares at her. He has no words.

COBEL (CONT’D)
By the way, those cuffs are
plastic.

Mark looks down at the cuffs. He pulls his arms up sharply,
breaking them.

He stumbles to his feet.

MARK
This is psychotic. There’s no way
what you’re describing-

COBEL
It’s real. It violates no law, and
it’s brought solace to many of our
workers.

MARK
By cracking their brains in half?

COBEL
Mark, my mother was an atheist. She
used to say that there’s good news
and bad news about Hell. The good
news is that Hell is the product of
an overactive human imagination.
The bad news is that what human
beings can imagine, they can
create. I think that Hell is a
world where you eternally obsess
over where you’ll be in twelve
hours. Where your marriage freezes
to death in the shadow of your
career. Mark, what if you could
walk into work in the morning and
skip straight to the quitting bell?
Remove the anxiety of being a
worker and only be a person. That’s
what it’s like.
44.


MARK
Unless you’re unlucky enough to
wake up as the worker.

COBEL
In which case you know nothing
else. Those who have had the
procedure are happier, both at work
and at home, than ever before in
their lives.

Mark stares at her another moment.

MARK
Have you had it?

COBEL
No.

He nods.

MARK
Then when you get to work tomorrow,
you can tell everyone that I told
you to go straight to Hell.

Cobel laughs at this. Mark turns and stumbles to the door.

COBEL
Give it some thought, Mark. You
know where to find me.

Mark reaches the door and shoves it open.

Cobel scratches Miss’s neck.

COBEL (CONT’D)
That was a funny thing he said,
wasn’t it, Miss? Yes, it was.

Miss nuzzles her hand.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Psychological"]

Summary Mark is held captive by Harmony Cobel, who shows him a beacon for a rat that splits its chronologies to make it forget about being hurt, and offers him a job with the same condition. Mark is horrified and chooses to leave.
Strengths "The scene is tense and suspenseful, with strong dialogue and character development. The concept of perceptual chronologies and splitting them is intriguing and horrifying at the same time, adding depth to the story."
Weaknesses "The scene may be too disturbing for some audiences. The theme of sacrificing one's identity for a job may be uncomfortable for some viewers."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, with tension building throughout. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Clunky exposition: The dialogue between Cobel and Mark feels a bit forced in places, particularly when Cobel lists off Mark's accomplishments and personal struggles. It might be more effective to show these things through Mark's actions and reactions, rather than just stating them outright.

2. Unnecessary cruelty: The scene involves a lot of graphic and disturbing descriptions, particularly around Cobel's treatment of her rat. While this can add to the tension and horror of the scene, it also feels gratuitous at times and may be upsetting for some audience members.

3. Lack of context: While the concept of a company that erases its workers' memories is intriguing, the audience could benefit from a bit more explanation around why this is necessary or beneficial. Right now, it's presented as a sinister and almost dystopian concept, without much explanation of its actual purpose or benefits.

Overall, this is a solid scene that effectively builds tension and introduces an intriguing concept. With a bit of tweaking, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well written and well paced. However, there are a few suggestions that could improve the overall impact of the scene:

1. Add more sensory details: The scene is set in a dank basement, but beyond that, the description of the space is minimal. Adding more sensory details could help to enhance the feeling of unease and horror that the scene evokes.

2. Heighten the tension: While there is tension throughout the scene, it could be heightened even more. Consider adding moments of silence or increasing the intensity of Cobel's interrogations to create a sense of unease in the audience.

3. Develop Cobel's character: Cobel is a fascinating character, but her motivations and backstory are not fully explored in this scene. Adding more detail to Cobel's character could help to make her more complex and interesting.

4. Make the stakes clearer: While the concept of the job offer is intriguing, the stakes are not entirely clear. Adding more information about what is at stake for Mark if he does or does not accept the job could help to heighten the tension and create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.



Scene 14 -  Redemption Denied
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. POLICE STATION, OFFICE. NIGHT.

Mark sits across from OFFICER IRONS, 40 and incredulous.

OFFICER IRONS
Okay, so- You hit the woman’s cat.

MARK
Yes.
45.


OFFICER IRONS
And didn’t go back to check on it.

MARK
No.

OFFICER IRONS
In cases like that, sir, you should
get out of the car and assess the
animal.

MARK
Please listen. This woman drugged
and kidnapped me!

Officer Irons ponders this a moment.

OFFICER IRONS
Would you give me a moment, please,
sir?

MARK
Yeah.

Mark gets up.


INT. POLICE STATION, WAITING AREA. NIGHT.

Mark sits down in one of a long row of chairs.

Through the window, he sees Officer Irons talk to OFFICER
GREEN, 55 and skinny.

Mark leans back, rubbing his face. He doesn’t notice KAIA,
26, petite and strung out, sitting a few chairs away.

KAIA
Why did they bring you here?

Mark looks at her, exhausted.

MARK
They didn’t. I came to report a
crime.

KAIA
Me too. But they won’t listen to
me. They say I’m bonkers.

MARK
Okay.
46.


KAIA
My dad was killed when I was ten.
On his birthday. But they’ll never
catch who did it. You know why that
is?

MARK
Listen, I’ve had kind of a rough
night-

KAIA
Because he was killed by angels.

Mark stares, speechless.

KAIA (CONT’D)
He flew out of one of his presents,
the one with gold paper. And they
pulled bones out of him til he
died.

Mark nods.

MARK
Okay.

The door to the office opens and Officers Irons and Green
emerge.

OFFICER IRONS
Mr. Scout?

MARK
Yes.

The Officers glance at each other.

OFFICER IRONS
Take us there.


INT. FORESTED ROAD. MORNING.

As the sun rises, the Officers get out of their car.

They walk along the road to join Mark, who is standing in
front of his own parked car, staring in disbelief.

The area where the house stood is now a vacant field. Only a
plastic Port-o-Potty sits in the center.

For a long moment, all stare.
47.


OFFICER IRONS
This is the house, sir?

MARK
I don’t-

OFFICER IRONS
Sir, this is a portable lavatory.
Frequently used for temporary waste
management, but insufficient for
habitation.

MARK
There was a house here.

The Officers glance at one another.

OFFICER GREEN
You know what I think this is?

OFFICER IRONS
What’s that?

OFFICER GREEN
Bunch of crap.

Officer Green bursts into a fit of laughter.

OFFICER IRONS
Aw, that’s classic!

OFFICER GREEN
Thought of it a minute ago. It
wasn’t improvised.

OFFICER IRONS
Still. So funny.

Their radios bleep.

COP VOICE
Possible homicide on Fourth and
Vice. All units-

OFFICER GREEN
Shit. We gotta go.

MARK
Wait, can’t you-

OFFICER IRONS
Please return home, Mr. Scout.
Contact us only if there’s an
emergency.
48.


The Officers run to their car and get in. They peel out and
speed off.

Mark stands at the side of the road, staring after them.

He starts to walk to his car.

He turns, regarding the Port-O-Potty.
Genres: ["drama","mystery","thriller"]

Summary Mark seeks redemption for killing Harmony Cobel's cat, but ends up drugged and confronted about his past deeds and emotions. Mark is held captive by Harmony Cobel, who shows him a beacon for a rat that splits its chronologies to make it forget about being hurt, and offers him a job with the same condition. Mark is horrified and chooses to leave.
Strengths "strong conflict, intense and suspenseful emotions"
Weaknesses "character development may be lacking"
Critique Overall, the scene has an interesting concept but falls short in execution. The dialogue between Mark and Officer Irons feels flat and lacks nuance or complexity. The conversation is too direct and on-the-nose, leaving little room for mystery or intrigue. The introduction of Kaia feels random and does not add much to the scene's overall impact. The reveal at the end of the scene, where Mark realizes the house has disappeared and only a Port-O-Potty is left behind, is intriguing but lacks the necessary buildup and tension to feel satisfying. There is potential in the concept, but the scene needs more development and finesse to reach it.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: Right now, there doesn't seem to be a clear sense of urgency or danger in the scene. It's not clear why Officer Irons is incredulous, and Mark's story about the woman who drugged and kidnapped him feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider giving more context or backstory to heighten the tension.

2. Make the dialogue more authentic: The dialogue between Officer Irons and Mark feels stilted and forced. Try to make it more natural, with pauses and interruptions, to make it feel more like a real conversation.

3. Give Kaia a more defined role: As written, Kaia feels like she's thrown in for no reason other than to provide Mark with someone to talk to. Consider giving her a bigger role in the story or connecting her story to Mark's in a more meaningful way.

4. Clarify the location: It's not clear where the police station is in relation to Mark's car or to the forested road at the end of the scene. Adding some description or indicating where the characters are in relation to each other would make the scene more vivid.

5. Tighten up the ending: The scene ends abruptly with Mark looking at the Port-O-Potty. Consider adding a beat or two to give the ending more closure or to set up the next scene more clearly.



Scene 15 -  Severance Procedure
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. PORT-O-POTTY. MORNING.

Mark enters and sits down. He shuts the door behind him.

He looks around, silent for a long moment.

MARK
Are you here?

Pause.

COBEL
(o.s.)
Of course I am.

Mark looks up. At the top of the Port-O-Potty is a speaker.

MARK
How did you do that?

COBEL
(o.s.)
I can’t tell you. But let me ask
you this, Mark; Is it not worth
considering that a company that can
make a house disappear may also be
able to fix your somewhat broken
life?

Mark thinks about this.

MARK
If I was unhappy, could I get out
of it?

COBEL
(o.s.)
Both halves of you would need to
request it. But that won’t happen.
I’m offering you something you’ve
craved your whole life, Mark. I’m
offering you focus, and all that
comes with it.
(MORE)
49.

COBEL (CONT'D)
You can explore what that means, or
you can go back to your sister’s
baby’s room. I believe a nearby
food court is hiring.

Mark lets out a slow breath.

COBEL (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Mark? When you step out of this
Port-O-Potty, would you like me to
be there? You can say no. Or you
can say yes.

Mark shuts his eyes.

MARK
(whispers)
Yes.

COBEL
(o.s.)
I’m glad you said that. Come out.

Mark opens his eyes. He opens the door.


EXT. FORESTED ROAD. CONTINUOUS.

Mark steps out to see Cobel standing in front of a sleek
black car.

Next to her is Milchick, smiling like an idiot.

Mark lets out another long breath and makes his way to the
side of the road.

COBEL
This is Frank Milchick, newly hired
PR director.

MILCHICK
So psyched you’re joining us.

Cobel smiles and opens the rear door of the car.

COBEL
Shall we?

Mark nods. He gets in the car.

BLACKNESS.

SCREEN TEXT: FOUR DAYS LATER.
50.


INT. WHITE ROOM. DAY.

Mark sits at a wooden table in a surgical gown, a thermometer
in his mouth and a sheet of paper in his hands. Milchick
stands over him.

The room is perfectly cubic, and all white.

Milchick removes the thermometer.

MILCHICK
All good. You ready for this?

MARK
Yeah.

MILCHICK
Great. Let’s make some rad magic.

Milchick moves to the other side of the table, a camera has
been set up.

Cobel stands in the corner.

MILCHICK (CONT’D)
Okay, we’re on Mark in one, two-

He hits record.

Mark picks up the paper and reads.

MARK
My name is Mark Scout. I have, at
the suggestion of my employer,
elected to undergo the procedure
colloquially known as severance. I
give consent for my unconscious
body to be transported to my
workplace and my personal beacon
activated, creating a new
perceptual chronology. I understand
that the skills required to perform
my job will be implanted in the
mind of my employed self, along
with a cursory awareness of the
outside world for conversational
purposes. I will not, henceforth,
seek knowledge of my outside life
while at work, nor of my work life
while at home.

CUT TO:
51.


INT. VIDEO ARCHIVE ROOM. EVENING.

Back in the cramped room, Mark crouches before the television
set, watching the recorded image of himself reading the
waver.

He can hardly breathe as he stares at his own pensive face.

MARK
(on-screen)
I say these things of my own free
accord, and being of sound mind.

MILCHICK
(on-screen)
That’s good, Mark. That’s real
good.

MARK
(on-screen)
Would it be alright if I said
something? To him?

Pause.

COBEL
(on-screen)
No.

The screen cuts to static.

Mark leans back. He stares into the static for a very long
moment.
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary Mark is offered a chance to fix his broken life by undergoing a procedure known as severance, but it comes at a cost. He is held captive and offered a job with the condition that he forgets about his past life. In the end, he chooses to leave, feeling horrified by what he's seen.
Strengths "The scene creates a sense of tension and horror as the true intentions of Cobel are revealed. The concept of the severance procedure is interesting and unique, adding to the overall intrigue of the scene."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue and actions of the characters feel unrealistic or forced."
Critique First of all, the scene starts abruptly with no context or establishing shot. It is unclear where the Port-O-Potty is located and why Mark is in it. The dialogue between Mark and Cobel is intriguing, but it could benefit from more clarity and specificity. The idea of a company that can make a house disappear is intriguing, but it is not clear how it relates to Mark's broken life and why he would need to request both halves of himself to get out of being unhappy. The reveal of Milchick as the PR director feels cliché and could use more clever development. The scene ends abruptly and leaves too many unanswered questions without any clear direction or purpose. Overall, the dialogue and ideas have potential, but the scene needs more detail and structure to fully realize its potential.
Suggestions 1. Develop the characters - Mark, Cobel, and Milchick, more. What motivates them, what is their backstory? Make the audience care about them more.
2. Build tension and conflict. At the moment, the scene lacks any real conflict or tension that would draw in the audience. Consider adding roadblocks to Mark's decision to undergo the procedure, making him question if it's really the right choice.
3. Make the scene more visually interesting. It's currently very dialogue-heavy, which can be boring to watch. Consider adding more action, movement, or interesting camera angles to make it more engaging to the audience.
4. Explore the consequences of Mark's decision more deeply. It's a big decision that could have significant implications for his life after the procedure. Show the audience the aftermath of the decision and how it affects Mark.



Scene 16 -  The Choice
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. UPPER HALLWAY. NIGHT.

Mark opens the door and steps quietly out of the archive
room.

Cobel and Milchick stand before him.

MARK
When was that taken?

COBEL
This morning.

Mark nods.

MARK
I’m never going to leave here.
52.


COBEL
You’ll leave here at five.

MILCHICK
But in your current state of
awareness, you won’t perceive it.

Mark nods again.

MARK
Do I have a family?

COBEL
You’ll never know.

MARK
And I don’t have any choice.

Cobel stares at him, solemnly.

COBEL
You did. You chose yes.

Mark lets out a long breath.

Milchick and Cobel stand still, giving him all the time he
needs.

End of act 4
53.


INT. DARK HALL. NIGHT.

Cobel walks down a hallway, darker even than the one before.

She rounds a corner and stops. Before her is a corridor so
dark that the end is not visible.

COBEL
He’s gone.

A soft, raspy MAN’S VOICE echoes down the hallway.

MAN’S VOICE
Has he come to us defective?

COBEL
No.

MAN’S VOICE
He’s curious. Like the other before
him.

Cobel looks at the floor, uncomfortable.

CUT TO:


INT. LOBBY. NIGHT.

Mark stands at the security station as a GUARD pats him down.

COBEL
(o.s.)
That won’t happen again. This one
may fight for a time. But he will
choose us as his home.

MAN’S VOICE
(o.s.)
And if he doesn’t choose us?

The guard waves Mark to the door. Mark stares at his
reflection in the glass, then pushes the door open and exits.

Darkness.

COBEL
(o.s.)
Then he’ll have nothing left but
the dark.

End of Episode
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Mark is given a chance to fix his broken life by undergoing a procedure known as severance, in which he has to forget about his past life. He is held captive and offered a job with the same condition but refuses to do so and leaves in horror.
Strengths "The scene has a strong conflict and an interesting concept."
Weaknesses "There could be more dialogue and character development."
Critique
Suggestions 1. The dialogue in this scene is very on-the-nose and lacks subtext. Consider adding layers of meaning or hidden motivations to the characters' words.
2. Add more visual descriptions and actions to make the scene visually engaging and add to the tension.
3. Expand on the world-building and context of the story. What is the archive room? Who are Cobel and Milchick? What is the overall plot of the movie?
4. Consider adding a twist or surprise ending to the scene to make it more memorable and impactful.
5. Check for typos or formatting errors, such as missing punctuation or improper scene transitions.