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Scene 1 -  Confrontation in Shenandoah
EXT. SHENANDOAH NATIONAL PARK, SCENIC VIEW LOT - MORNING

Shenandoah mountains. A cold dawn. TWO BLACK TOWN CARS
sit side by side, facing a view of a farming valley below.

Two MEN in dark suits and long coats stand near the
cars, casually on the lookout. If we caught a glimpse
underneath the coat of the taller of the two, we'd see
that he was carrying a 9mm. Glock.

INT. BLACK TOWN CAR - CONTINUOUS

In the backseat of the car sit HAMERSLEY and REYNOLDS,
each well-kept and in his early 50's.

REYNOLDS
"I know thy works and thy labour
and how thou canst not bear them
that are evil. And thou hast tried
them who say they are apostles and
hast found them to be liars".
Revelations II.

HAMERSLEY
What the hell does it mean?

REYNOLDS
It means who's side are you on?

HAMERSLEY
You didn't ask me to meet you 30
miles from my office for a Bible
study class.

REYNOLDS
It's a bi-partisan issue. Everyone
needs to swallow hard. No one,
including you, wants to be fingered
as the one obstructing efforts to
crack down on terrorism, and--

HAMERSLEY
Fuck you.

REYNOLDS
What?

HAMERSLEY
I said fuck you.

REYNOLDS
Is that anyway to talk to an old
school chum?

HAMERSLEY
You're gonna finger me as soft on
terrorism? Terrorism, you
unconscionable asshole?

REYNOLDS
There are planes falling out of the
sky, buildings blowing up. American
buildings. Americans getting bombs
in the mail. What are we gonna do!?

HAMERSLEY
We're not gonna hand you and your
band of lunatics the keys to the
kingdom. I'm not gonna sit in
Congress and write a law that
allows the NSA to point a camera
and a microphone at anything they
damn well feel like. And the next
time you have something to say to
me, we do it above-board, in my
office, like everyone else. Now get
outa my car, I've got a committee
meeting on the hill.

REYNOLDS regards HAMERSLEY a moment, then opens the car
door--
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Two men in suits, Hamersley and Reynolds, engage in a heated debate inside a car overlooking a farming valley. They discuss terrorism and government surveillance, with differing viewpoints leading to a tense and confrontational atmosphere. Reynolds quotes a Bible verse, but Hamersley responds with frustration and defiance. The scene ends with Reynolds leaving the car, as Hamersley dismisses him and prepares for a committee meeting.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense dialogue, strong character dynamics, and a sense of urgency that keeps the audience hooked.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of political power play, betrayal, and moral dilemmas is well-executed and drives the scene forward with tension and conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the characters reveal their conflicting ideologies and motivations, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of national security vs. civil liberties, delving into the personal and moral consequences of political decisions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the conflict.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and conflicting goals that create compelling drama.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters undergo a subtle shift in their relationship and beliefs, setting the stage for future character development.

Internal Goal: 9

Hamersley's internal goal is to stand up for his beliefs and principles, even in the face of pressure and intimidation. This reflects his deeper need for integrity and moral courage.

External Goal: 8

Hamersley's external goal is to resist pressure to compromise his values and principles in the fight against terrorism. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his integrity and standing up to powerful forces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the scene forward with high stakes and emotional tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, as the characters grapple with issues of national security, betrayal, and personal integrity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the characters' motivations and the political landscape they inhabit.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the need for security and the protection of civil liberties. Hamersley's refusal to compromise on privacy rights in the name of national security challenges Reynolds' belief in the necessity of extreme measures to combat terrorism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as the characters' moral dilemmas and conflicting loyalties are laid bare.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' inner conflicts and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong setting description, but it could be more concise to get to the dialogue quicker.
  • The dialogue between Hamersley and Reynolds is intense and sets up a conflict well, but it could benefit from more subtext and nuance.
  • The use of biblical references adds depth to the conversation, but it could be integrated more seamlessly into the dialogue.
  • The language and tone of the characters could be more varied to make them more distinct and engaging.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and actions to break up the dialogue and add visual interest.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the setting description to get to the dialogue quicker.
  • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to deepen the conflict between the characters.
  • Integrate the biblical references more seamlessly into the conversation.
  • Diversify the language and tone of the characters to make them more distinct and engaging.
  • Incorporate more visual cues and actions to break up the dialogue and add visual interest.



Scene 2 -  Deadly Mountain Chase
EXT. PARKWAY - MORNING

HAMERSLEY's car snakes down the twisting mountain road.

INT. HAMERSLEY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

HAMERSLEY MAKES VERBAL NOTES concerning the Reynolds
meeting into his memo-recorder as he drives. He picks
up his cellular phone and punches in a number.

VOICE (O.S.)
Senator Albert's office--

The line goes dead.

HAMERSLEY tries again but can't get a dial tone. Then,
in the rear-view mirror, a BROWN SEDAN gains fast.
Whoever the guy is, he's flying. Then a man with a
rifle leans out the sedan's window. Aims.

HAMERSLEY flies into a blind curve. Tires SCREECH as he
rounds the bend to see

A PROPANE TRUCK. Blocking both lanes of the road.

HAMERSLEY's eyes widen. He stomps the brakes, SKIDS and
SLAMS into the truck. The EXPLOSION engulfs everything.
HAMERSLEY and the car are consumed. The pursuing sedan
slows to a stop. The men watch. The car's an inferno.

The MEN pull a 'U' and drive away.
INT. CRYSTAL CITY, VIRGINIA, TALL OFFICE BLDG. - DAY

A well-appointed big-city law office filled with
citations of merit and pictures of a wife and child.

ROBERT DEAN, a likable young lawyer, sits behind his
desk with his back to an OLDER MAN. He stares at a
commanding view of Washington, D.C. as he listens to a
tired, smoke and whiskey voice.

OLDER MAN (L.T.)
I don't know how much longer we can
hold out, Mr. Dean.

DEAN
I don't know, either, L.T. Maybe
you guys should get yourself a
labor lawyer.

L.T.
Well that's why I'm here, Mr. Dean.
'Cause you're a labor lawyer.

DEAN
Good point.

L.T.
Last night, Larry Spinks, he works
the Steel Press, he goes to a bar
with his wife Rosalie to have a
glass of chianti 'cause it's his
birthday, and these two guys, these
Guido mother-fuckers, they jump him
when he goes to the bathroom.

DEAN
L.T., in this office I'd prefer you
say Italian-Americans.

L.T.
I'm sorry, Mr. Dean. But Larry's in
St. Lukes now, so I'm a little--I'm
not myself. The Union bosses say
unless we take Bellmoth's offer,
it'll only get worse.

DEAN
That's because your Union bosses
are those Guido mother-fuckers.

L.T.
I don't under--

DEAN
The Union's trying to railroad you
into accepting terms worse than
what you have now.
L.T.
Why would the Union--

DEAN swivels around in his chair and faces L.T.

DEAN
Because they've been paid off by
Bellmoth.

L.T.
Mr. Dean--

DEAN
My name's Bobby. I'm your lawyer.
Don't do anything 'till I talk to you.

DEAN gets up and walks a grateful L.T. to the door,
calling to his secretary as they go--

DEAN (CONT'D)
(calling)
Martha!

MARTHA appears in the doorway...

DEAN (CONT'D)
Larry Spinks, St. Lukes. Send him a
case of chianti from the firm. And
send his wife Rosalie some flowers.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Hamersley, pursued by a brown sedan, collides head-on with a propane truck, resulting in a deadly explosion. Meanwhile, lawyer Dean assists L.T., whose union members face pressure from the potentially bribed Bellmoth.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Engaging plot
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces high stakes through the pursuit and the lawyer's dilemma, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of corruption, pursuit, and legal conflict is well-executed and sets up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging with the introduction of a dangerous pursuit and the lawyer's involvement in a corruption case, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique and fresh situation with the pursuit on a mountain road, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with the lawyer showing determination and the union worker facing a difficult situation, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The lawyer shows determination and resourcefulness in handling the situation, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Hamersley's internal goal is likely survival and escape from the pursuing sedan. This reflects his primal instinct for self-preservation and fear of imminent danger.

External Goal: 9

Hamersley's external goal is to evade the pursuing sedan and survive the dangerous situation on the mountain road. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to overcome it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both external in the pursuit and internal in the legal dilemma faced by the lawyer.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the pursuing sedan and the obstacle of the propane truck creating a challenging and unpredictable situation for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established through the pursuit, corruption case, and potential danger faced by the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with the introduction of new conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the pursuing sedan and the unexpected obstacle of the propane truck, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the moral dilemma of survival at any cost versus risking one's life for a greater cause. Hamersley's actions and decisions in this scene may challenge his beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and concern for the characters, drawing the audience into the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to reveal character motivations and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful elements, and high stakes that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for an action sequence, with clear descriptions and dialogue that enhance the pacing and tension.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, building tension and escalating the stakes effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a high-stakes action sequence involving a car chase and a dramatic explosion, which creates tension and excitement for the audience. However, the transition from the intense action to the calm law office scene with Robert Dean feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Robert Dean and L.T. in the law office lacks depth and complexity. The conversation feels a bit cliched and lacks subtlety in addressing the issues of labor disputes and union corruption.
  • The character development of Robert Dean is not fully explored in this scene. While he is portrayed as a likable young lawyer, there is a lack of depth in his interactions and motivations.
  • The shift in tone from the explosive action sequence to the more mundane office conversation could be smoother to maintain the audience's engagement and interest.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the setting and atmosphere, making it more immersive for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the action sequence and the office scene to create a more seamless flow of events.
  • Work on developing more nuanced and realistic dialogue between Robert Dean and L.T. to add depth to their characters and the issues they are discussing.
  • Focus on fleshing out Robert Dean's character by exploring his background, motivations, and internal conflicts to make him more compelling and relatable to the audience.
  • Try to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene by balancing the action with character development and dialogue to keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance the scene with vivid visual descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.



Scene 3 -  The Envelope Exchange
EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY

RACHEL
How's the trout?

DEAN
It tastes like fish.

RACHEL
It is fish.

DEAN
I mean it tastes like every other
fish I've ever had. Every fish
tastes the same.

RACHEL
Do you like fish?

DEAN
Not that much.

DEAN dines in a booth with RACHEL BANKS, 30's. RACHEL
opens her briefcase, removing an 8x10 envelope.

RACHEL
Here's what you asked for. Brill's
note said it was everything you'd
need to, shall we say, coax DePinto--

DEAN
When do I get to meet him?

RACHEL
DePinto?

DEAN
Brill.

RACHEL
Never.

DEAN
That wasn't the answer I was hoping
for.

RACHEL
What answer were you--

DEAN is reaching inside his jacket pocket. He removes
an envelope marked "BRILL".

DEAN
"Soon". Or at least sooner than never.

RACHEL
It's how he works.

DEAN
Brill?

RACHEL
Yes.

DEAN
So you've said.

DEAN hands her the envelope.

DEAN (CONT'D)
Ten thousand cash. I don't know if
it's Brill's prices going up or
your commission.

RACHEL
I take a straight 15 percent.
Brill's fee varies with risk.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
using someone else.

DEAN
Other than Brill.
RACHEL
Other than me.

DEAN
Why would I--

RACHEL
Someone with whom you don't have
quite so personal a--

DEAN
I like our history. And I like you.
I'd probably like Brill if I ever
got to--

RACHEL
He doesn't work that way.

DEAN
I just want to make sure I'm not
breaking the law.

RACHEL
You're not.

DEAN
How can I be sure.

RACHEL
I wouldn't let you. Good luck with
DePinto.

DEAN
(pause)
Thank you.

RACHEL
Eat your fish.

DEAN (V.O.)
Mr. DePinto? My name's Robert Dean.
I'm an attorney with Seth, Silverberg.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Dean and Rachel meet at a restaurant to exchange envelopes. Dean gives Rachel an envelope with $10,000 in cash in exchange for an envelope containing information he requested. Dean expresses a desire to meet Brill, but Rachel tells him that it's not possible. She assures him that he is not breaking the law, but Dean remains concerned.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Limited character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the dialogue and actions of the characters, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a secretive exchange of money for information adds an element of mystery and suspense to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dean receives crucial information from Rachel, setting up future events in the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar themes of crime and deception but adds a fresh twist by focusing on the protagonist's internal struggle with his own ethics and values.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dean and Rachel are well-developed through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, but it sets up potential changes in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene seems to be to navigate the murky waters of the criminal underworld while maintaining his moral compass and integrity as an attorney.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to secure the necessary information or assistance from Rachel to further his dealings with DePinto, a potentially dangerous individual.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is an underlying tension and conflict between Dean and Rachel, adding depth to their relationship.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting agendas and hidden motives creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the secretive exchange of money and information, hinting at the risks involved for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new information and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's ethical dilemma of working with shady characters like Brill and Rachel while trying to uphold his professional and personal values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is subtle but present, especially in the dynamics between Dean and Rachel.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, subtle character dynamics, and underlying sense of danger that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize for readers.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a typical format for a suspenseful dialogue-driven sequence, effectively building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Dean and Rachel feels a bit forced and lacks depth. The conversation about fish comes across as trivial and doesn't add much to the scene or character development.
  • The interaction between Dean and Rachel could benefit from more subtext and underlying tension. Right now, it feels a bit flat and doesn't engage the audience.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It's not clear what the main objective of the conversation is or what the stakes are for the characters.
  • The transition between topics in the dialogue feels abrupt and disjointed. It would be beneficial to smooth out the flow of conversation and make it more organic.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' motivations and relationships. Adding more layers to their interaction would make the scene more engaging and meaningful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the dialogue by exploring the characters' underlying emotions and motivations. This will make the scene more engaging and impactful.
  • Create a clearer objective for the conversation between Dean and Rachel. What are they trying to achieve or uncover in this scene?
  • Work on improving the transitions between topics in the dialogue to make the conversation flow more naturally and cohesively.
  • Add subtext and tension to the interaction between Dean and Rachel to create a more dynamic and compelling scene.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more purposeful and impactful, focusing on advancing the plot or revealing important character insights.



Scene 4 -  Confrontations and Discoveries
EXT. BUSY STREET - DAY

DEAN weaves his BMW through D.C. bumper-to-bumper
traffic as he eyes the photos that Rachel gave him
which are lying on the passenger seat. The photos show
DePINTO sitting in a motel lounge with TWO MOB TYPES.
He's talking on the phone.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BELLMOTH STEEL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

DEPINTO
What can I do for you?
DEAN
Well, I was hoping you might stop
by my office to swear out a
criminal deposition against some of
your friends and co-workers.

DEPINTO
(pause)
Is this a fuckin' joke?

DEAN
I don't believe it is, no.

DEPINTO
Why the hell would I--

DEAN
I've got photographs of you at the
Trenton Ramada looking very--

DEPINTO
That ain't me.

DEAN
It's not?

DEPINTO
You don't know who the fuck--

DEAN
That's not you having a whiskey
sour with Carmine Morada.

DEPINTO
This is fucked. You don't know
who's in that--

DEAN
You're right, Mr. DePinto, and
maybe I jumped the gun.

DEPINTO
You're goddam right you jumped the gun.

DEAN
That's probably not you in the
picture. I tell you what, I'll just
run the thing by the Grand Jury,
see if they can't--

DEPINTO
I want to talk to a goddam lawyer.

DEAN
Good news there, Mr. DePinto,
you're talking to one.
EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

News helicopters hover over Hamersley's wreck as police
direct traffic around the media circus.

INT. OLD CAR - CONTINUOUS

DAN ZAVITZ, looks older than he is, balding with a
weight problem, sweats behind SLAPPING wipers of a
beater car plastered with environmental issue stickers.
NPR drones on the radio as a police car crawls behind
him, SIREN YELPING, lights flashing, trying to get by.

ZAVITZ
Alright, alright already, I see you.

ZAVITZ POV: Wreckage surrounded by squad cars,
ambulances and media circus. Something's happened.
Something big.

EXT. SHENANDOAH NATIONAL PARK - DAY

A tall ladder leans against a dead oak. ZAVITZ sweats
and climbs to a branch where a platform's been built
supporting a large phony bird's nest. He lifts away the
nest, revealing--

--Two microphones and three motion-activated digital
video cameras and recorders. ZAVITZ checks the cameras'
viewfinders to see--

--TIME-CODED VIEWS - WIDE, MEDIUM AND CLOSE of a
squirrel's nest containing three newborns. The parents
are nowhere to be seen.

ZAVITZ eyes the recorders. The video disks are spent.
He ejects and pockets them, replacing them with fresh ones.

EXT. SOUTHEAST CAPITOL DISTRICT - DAY

An old building needing rehab. A SIDEWALK VENDOR does
brisk business, we DRIFT to an apartment window above.

TV NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
Police are labeling it an accident
but promise a full investigation.

INT. ZAVITZ APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

ZAVITZ is staring intently at his computer monitor. We
don't know yet what he's looking at, but he's scared to
death as we continue to listen to the NEWS REPORT...

NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
Don Hamersley, senior GOP
congressional leader, was serving
as a negotiator on the House/Senate
sub-committee studying the Anti-
Terror Bill...

ZAVITZ leans in a little closer to get a better look at
his computer screen, not wanting to believe what he's
seeing...

NEWSCASTER (CONT'D) (O.S.)
...the controversial legislation
that would give various law
enforcement agencies expanded
authority in the fight against
terrorism.

And now we see what ZAVITZ is staring at on his
computer monitor. The film he shot at SHENANDOAH PARK...

...the meeting between HAMERSLEY and REYNOLDS.

NEWSCASTER (CONT'D) (O.S.)
Known as the Voice of Caution,
Hamersley was an outspoken advocate
of...

ZAVITZ reaches over, picks up the phone, and punches in
some numbers with one hand. With the other, he punches
some keystrokes on the computer. The screen zooms in on
REYNOLDS, getting out of HAMERSLEY's car.

NEWSCASTER (CONT'D) (O.S.)
Sixty-eight years old, Hamersley
leaves behind a wife and four children.

ZAVITZ
(into phone)
Tell him it's Zavitz. I need to
speak to him. Tell him it's important.

INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Dean confronts DePinto with evidence of his mob ties, while Zavitz uncovers video footage of a secret meeting between Hamersley and Reynolds. Both characters face difficult decisions and navigate dangerous situations as they uncover truths and face potential consequences.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Intriguing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The confrontation between Dean and DePinto adds depth to the plot and raises questions about the characters' motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a conspiracy and confronting a suspect with incriminating evidence is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story. The introduction of a character involved in surveillance adds a layer of complexity to the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dean confronts DePinto with evidence, leading to a pivotal moment in the story. The scene also introduces a new character, Zavitz, who is involved in surveillance and uncovers crucial information.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime thriller genre by focusing on the protagonist's internal conflict and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with Dean showing determination and DePinto displaying defiance. Zavitz adds a mysterious element to the scene with his involvement in surveillance.

Character Changes: 6

DePinto experiences a shift in his demeanor as he is confronted with evidence of his criminal activities. Dean's resolve and determination are highlighted in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the photographs and potentially incriminating evidence he has against DePinto. This reflects his desire for justice and his fear of making a mistake in accusing someone wrongly.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to confront DePinto with the evidence and persuade him to cooperate in a criminal deposition against his associates. This reflects the immediate challenge of gathering information and building a case against criminal elements.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Dean and DePinto is intense and drives the scene forward. The revelation of incriminating evidence raises the stakes and adds suspense to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting narratives, moral dilemmas, and high stakes that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding to the suspense and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dean confronts DePinto with evidence of his criminal activities, putting both characters in a dangerous and tense situation. The outcome of this confrontation could have significant consequences for the characters and the plot.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about DePinto's involvement in criminal activities and introducing Zavitz as a character involved in surveillance. The confrontation between Dean and DePinto sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and revelations. The audience is kept on edge as they try to decipher the truth behind the conflicting narratives.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of truth, deception, and trust. DePinto denies his involvement in the incriminating photos, challenging the protagonist's beliefs and values in seeking justice and uncovering the truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, distrust, and shock in the characters, especially DePinto, as he is confronted with evidence of his wrongdoing. Dean's determination adds emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding tension to the scene. The exchange between Dean and DePinto reveals their conflicting motivations and drives the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' actions and decisions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and plot revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The transitions between locations are smooth and help maintain the flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a crime thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The intercutting between different locations adds to the tension and pacing of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Dean confronting DePinto to Zavitz in his car, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • There is a lack of clarity in the transition between different locations and characters, making it challenging to follow the sequence of events.
  • The dialogue between Dean and DePinto feels somewhat cliched and lacks depth, making it less engaging for the audience.
  • The introduction of Zavitz and his actions in the car and at Shenandoah National Park feels disconnected from the initial confrontation between Dean and DePinto.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, with multiple storylines and characters introduced without a clear connection.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a smoother transition between different locations and characters.
  • Focus on developing more nuanced and engaging dialogue between Dean and DePinto to add depth to their interaction.
  • Clarify the purpose and relevance of Zavitz's actions in the scene to ensure they contribute meaningfully to the overall plot.
  • Streamline the scene to maintain a clear focus on the main storyline and avoid introducing unnecessary elements that may confuse the audience.
  • Work on creating a stronger sense of continuity and coherence in the scene to enhance the overall flow and impact of the narrative.



Scene 5 -  The News Breaks
INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE - SAME TIME

A cluttered office belonging to a radical, fringe
newspaper. ALFONSO, mid-50's, long, graying hair, works
at a computer.

ALFONSO
Zavitz, what? You want your old job
back?

ZAVITZ
Listen to me--

ALFONSO
Tired of chasing squirrels around
the park?
ZAVITZ
Listen--

ALFONSO
Lemme ask you something. I put a
bird feeder out in the yard, but
the squirrels, they keep taking--

ZAVITZ
Turn on CNN.

ALFONSO
They keep taking the bird seed. I
thought since you're the expert on--

ZAVITZ
Goddammit, shut the fuck up and
turn on CNN!

ALFONSO
Alright, I made a joke about
squirrels, don't get so--

ZAVITZ
Do it!

ALFONSO clicks his TV to CNN. The HAMERSLEY re-cap is
still on.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
Once again, police at this point
are calling Hamersley's death an
accident...

ZAVITZ
I was doing motion-activated taping
up in Shenandoah. That's where
Hamersley had his accident. He
wasn't alone. He met someone. They
argued.

ALFONSO
You've got it on tape?

ZAVITZ
Clear as day.

ALFONSO
Who else have you told?

INT. TECH ROOM - CONTINUOUS

A place with mind-boggling technology and high-tech
recording devices. DAT recorders spin silently.

ZAVITZ (O.S.)
(through speakers)
No one. But I'm a little nervous.

ALFONSO (O.S.)
(through speakers)
When can you get it here?

ZAVITZ (O.S.)
(through speakers)
I'm doing a transfer now.

ALFONSO (O.S.)
(through speakers)
Come straight here. Don't talk to
anyone.

ZAVITZ (O.S.)
(through speakers)
I'll come straight there.

ALFONSO (O.S.)
(through speakers)
Be careful, Danny.

INT. TOWN CAR - DAY

CLOSE ON REYNOLDS sitting in the back. Well-dressed and
alone, he reviews a bible. His cellular phone RINGS. We
HEAR static as two encrypted lines find digital
compatibility. Finally, a confirmation TONE--

REYNOLDS
Go ahead.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. KENT ISLAND - SAME TIME

Misty forests sweep down a hill to the Chesapeake Bay.
A road leads to a high-voltage security fence and
guard-shack. Beyond are several windowless concrete
structures bristling with microwave antennas and
satellite dishes. A sign reads:

KENT ISLAND RESEARCH FACILITY
Prohibited Area. No Photos or Sketches.
Violators Subject to Immediate Arrest and Fine
Under Penalties of the Internal Security Act

SUPER:

NSA SIGINT INTERCEPT STATION - KENT ISLAND, MARYLAND
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a newspaper office, editor Alfonso is interrupted by Zavitz, who insists he turn on CNN to a report about Hamersley's death being ruled an accident. Zavitz claims to have footage of Hamersley arguing, and agrees to bring the tape to Alfonso. Meanwhile, in a car, Reynolds receives a call from Zavitz with a cryptic message.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High tension
  • Intriguing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Complexity may require audience attention

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, mystery, and tension. It introduces new elements that deepen the plot and keep the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of government surveillance, espionage, and uncovering hidden truths is executed effectively in this scene. It adds complexity to the storyline and raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the introduction of new information and characters. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a mix of mundane elements like squirrel jokes with high-stakes intrigue surrounding a potential cover-up, creating a unique blend of tension and mystery. The dialogue feels authentic and sharp, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are engaging and mysterious, adding depth to the scene. Each character's actions and motivations contribute to the overall tension and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of new characters and information sets the stage for potential transformations and revelations in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Alfonso's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind Hamersley's death and the potential evidence Zavitz has on tape. This reflects his desire for justice and truth.

External Goal: 7

Alfonso's external goal is to obtain the evidence Zavitz has on tape and ensure it is safely delivered to him. This reflects the immediate challenge of obtaining crucial information in a secretive and potentially dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing danger, uncovering secrets, and navigating a web of deception. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Alfonso facing challenges in obtaining crucial evidence and navigating a world of secrecy and potential danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters uncovering dangerous secrets, facing potential threats, and delving deeper into a world of espionage and conspiracy.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly by introducing new information, deepening the mystery, and setting up future conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the mix of mundane elements like squirrel jokes with high-stakes intrigue surrounding a potential cover-up, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between truth and secrecy. Alfonso seeks the truth behind Hamersley's death, while the NSA SIGINT Intercept Station represents a world of secrecy and potential cover-ups.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, suspense, and intrigue, but the emotional impact is more subdued compared to the high-stakes conflict and mystery unfolding.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and serves to build suspense and reveal crucial information. It keeps the audience on edge and enhances the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of tension, mystery, and sharp dialogue that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action to maintain tension and drive the plot forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a mix of dialogue and action driving the plot forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of unnecessary banter between Alfonso and Zavitz, which detracts from the urgency of the situation. The dialogue about squirrels and bird feeders feels out of place and slows down the pacing of the scene.
  • The transition from Alfonso's office to the tech room is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain continuity.
  • The dialogue between Alfonso and Zavitz lacks depth and emotion considering the gravity of the information being shared. There is a missed opportunity to build tension and suspense in the scene.
  • The introduction of Reynolds in the town car feels disconnected from the previous conversation and could be better integrated into the flow of the scene.
  • The description of the Kent Island Research Facility is detailed but could be more effectively tied to the ongoing plot to enhance its relevance.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between Alfonso and Zavitz to focus on the urgency of the situation and the importance of the information being shared.
  • Consider cutting out the unnecessary banter about squirrels and bird feeders to maintain the tension and pacing of the scene.
  • Smooth out the transition between locations to improve the flow of the scene and maintain continuity.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the dialogue between Alfonso and Zavitz to better convey the gravity of the situation and build suspense.
  • Integrate the introduction of Reynolds in the town car more seamlessly into the scene to ensure it aligns with the ongoing plot developments.



Scene 6 -  Suspense in the Shadows
INT. TECH ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The banks of high-tech digital recorders record
incessantly as a TECHNICIAN holds a phone to his ear.
TECHNICIAN
(into phone)
Someone had automated cameras in
the park. A nature photographer.

REYNOLDS
Jesus H. Christ.

SILVERBERG (V.O.)
How're we with pre-trials. Ms.
Saunders.

INT. DEAN'S LAW FIRM, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Packed seats around a long conference table. The entire
law firm reviews the proceedings. DIANE SAUNDERS
answers the questions from her senior partner.

SAUNDERS
I'm expecting a favorable ruling
this afternoon on the evidenciary
motion, but I could use some more
manpower with the interrogatories.

SILVERBERG
Mr. Dean, would you care to give Ms.
Saunders a hand with the
interrogatories.

DEAN
God knows I would, sir, but I have
a previous engagement this evening.

SILVERBERG
And may I ask what could possibly
be more important than Fawell Oil v.
U.S. Environmental Agency?

DEAN
I have to go lingerie shopping.

STILWELL
Lingerie shopping?

DEAN
A Christmas present for my wife.

SILVERBERG
Go to Harrison's. They've got
models that'll try the garments on
for you.

SAUNDERS
Bobby, this is a 40 million dollar
client. I really need some help
tonight.
DEAN
Diane, maybe you didn't hear Mr.
Silverberg. They've got models
that'll try on the garments.
(to SILVERBERG)
Thank you, sir.

SILVERBERG
Merry Christmas, son.

EXT. OLD BROWNSTONES - AFTERNOON

Establishing. Apartments on upper floors, businesses on
lower.

INT. ZAVITZ APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Jacket on, ready to leave, ZAVITZ sits at his computer
finishing a transfer. A TONE beeps as a COMPUTER TIME
GRAPH sweeps to 'finished'. The screen reads: TRANSFER
COMPLETE.

There's a KNOCK at the door...

...ZAVITZ looks over.

ZAVITZ
(pause)
Yes?

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Federal Express for 'Zavitz'.

ZAVITZ
Federal Express?

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
For Daniel Zavitz. I just need a
signature.

ZAVITZ
(beat)
How'd you get in the building?

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
The door was open, sir. I just need
a signature.

ZAVITZ disconnects a video digitizer, removes a game-
cartridge containing the digitized video...

...and inserts it into a Gameboy.

He steps to the door and eyes the peep-hole.

ZAVITZ POV: A fish-eye view of a Fed-Ex man, JONES,
looking bored.

ZAVITZ
Can you tell me who it's from?

JONES
(checking label)
Micro-Tel Electronics. Sunland.

ZAVITZ
Can you--would it be possible to
leave it by the door?

JONES
Not without a signature.

ZAVITZ
(stepping to the window)
All right. Okay. Just give me a minute.

ZAVITZ POV: TWO DWP INSTALLERS hovering in a bucket
across the street. Down below, a cargo van with a
multiple roof antenna is double parked near a Fed-Ex
van. Then--

--Through a street window's reflection, ZAVITZ sees his
building's front entrance. SEVERAL TENANTS are being
prevented from entering by TWO MEN, plain clothes, one
with a radio communicator pressed to his ear.

Shit.

ZAVITZ backs from the window, seized by panic. He grabs
his phone...

...dead.

He picks up his fax line. Also dead.

He grabs the GameBoy, goes to a small side window and
opens it. A ledge snakes around the corner. An athlete
he's not but there's no choice. He squeezes out.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Automated cameras in the park capture suspicious footage, leading to concern. Despite a plea for assistance with interrogatories, Bobby Dean declines. Daniel Zavitz, sensing danger after a FedEx delivery, notices suspicious activity outside and escapes via a window ledge, leaving behind a sense of peril.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Engaging characters
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be predictable
  • Lack of diversity in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends suspense, drama, and humor to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The use of technology and the unexpected twist with the delivery adds intrigue and keeps the audience on edge. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character receiving a mysterious package while being under surveillance is intriguing and adds a layer of complexity to the scene. The use of technology and the element of surprise with the delivery keeps the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Zavitz receives the mysterious package and tries to evade capture. The scene introduces new elements, such as the delivery and the surveillance, that add depth to the overall story. The tension and suspense are heightened, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on balancing personal and professional responsibilities in a legal setting, with humorous elements and unexpected twists in the protagonist's actions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Zavitz, are well-developed and engaging. Zavitz's quick thinking and resourcefulness in trying to escape capture showcase his intelligence and determination. The interactions between the characters, such as Zavitz and the delivery man, add depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Zavitz undergoes a minor change in the scene as he transitions from a state of panic to a state of determination and resourcefulness. His quick thinking and ability to adapt to the situation showcase his growth and development as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to balance his personal life (lingerie shopping for his wife) with his professional responsibilities (helping with a legal case). This reflects his struggle to prioritize between work and personal relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to receive a package from Federal Express and handle the situation with caution as he notices suspicious activity outside his apartment building.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with Zavitz trying to evade capture while receiving a mysterious package. The tension is palpable as Zavitz realizes he is being watched and must act quickly to protect himself. The conflict drives the action forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing obstacles both in his personal and professional life, adding complexity and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, with Zavitz's life in danger as he tries to evade capture and receive the mysterious package. The outcome of the scene has significant consequences for the characters and the overall story, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, such as the mysterious package and the surveillance activities. The developments in the scene set up future conflicts and plot twists, driving the narrative towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events outside the protagonist's apartment building and the suspenseful atmosphere created by the suspicious activity.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of duty and responsibility towards his work versus his personal life and relationships. It challenges his values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from anxiety and concern as Zavitz tries to escape capture, to amusement and light-heartedness in the dialogue between characters. The emotional impact adds depth to the scene and creates a connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and engaging. The banter between the characters adds humor and lightens the tense atmosphere. The dialogue also reveals important information about the characters' personalities and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the blend of humor, tension, and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's dilemma and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest, with a well-balanced rhythm that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, transitioning smoothly between different locations and maintaining a coherent narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition between the tech room and Dean's law firm conference room is abrupt and could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue in the law firm conference room lacks depth and could benefit from more meaningful interactions between the characters.
  • The humor injected by Dean's excuse for not helping with the interrogatories feels forced and out of place in the context of the scene.
  • The introduction of Zavitz's apartment and the interaction with the FedEx deliveryman feels disconnected from the previous scenes and could be better integrated into the overall narrative.
  • The sense of urgency and tension in Zavitz's apartment is not effectively conveyed, making it difficult for the audience to feel the stakes of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the tech room and Dean's law firm conference room to improve the continuity of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue in the law firm conference room to make it more engaging and relevant to the overall plot.
  • Reconsider the humor in Dean's excuse and aim for a more natural and fitting response to the request for help with the interrogatories.
  • Integrate Zavitz's apartment scene more seamlessly into the narrative to maintain the flow of the story.
  • Work on building the tension and urgency in Zavitz's apartment to heighten the stakes and engage the audience more effectively.



Scene 7 -  Zavitz's Daring Escape
INT. ZAVITZ BLDG. STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

PRATT, wearing a Fed-Ex uniform, is laying in wait.

RADIO VOICE (O.S.)
(through PRATT's earphone)
Go to three. Go to three. Package
is out the window.

PRATT sprints down the hall, pulling out his pistol, as

JONES kicks in Zavitz's door and rushes in. The
window's open. JONES looks out as the last of ZAVITZ
goes around the corner of the ledge.
RADIO VOICE (O.S.)
(through JONES's headset)
305 to 308. We've got the eyeball.

EXT. ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS

It's the rooftop ZAVITZ is heading to. Two MEN crouch
behind a wall, watching ZAVITZ approach.

MAN #1
(into headset)
We'll take delivery from here.

ZAVITZ inches along, scared breathless. He looks back.

No one.

Maybe he was wrong.

A pigeon suddenly flies by...ZAVITZ loses his balance,
struggles...and falls.

He crashes through an awning and into a sidewalk fruit
stand.

Dazed, ZAVITZ crawls to his feet as passersby watch
speechless.

Things happen fast. The cargo van rips from the curb
but is suddenly blocked by a delivery truck. HORNS BLAST.

HICKS, 30's and athletic, leaps from the van.

Fears confirmed, ZAVITZ starts down the sidewalk,
shakes off pain, and moves to a run.

Except now there's someone in front of him. He's
trapped. Reaching a doorway, ZAVITZ pushes. The door
opens to--

INT. RESTAURANT SUPPLY SHOP - CONTINUOUS

ZAVITZ charges through and kicks open a fire door. An
alarm blasts as he exits to--

EXT. ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS

A garbage truck screams up the alley. There's no way to
outrun it. There's a fire escape above a dumpster.
Breath rasping, he struggles on the dumpster, pulling
himself up the ladder just as the truck OBLITERATES all
below.

ZAVITZ struggles and climbs. Reaching a landing, he
pauses for breath...
...and sees HICKS and two others just moments behind.
ZAVITZ grabs a fire escape door, tugs, pulls and bangs
it open to--

INT. A DILAPIDATED HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

ZAVITZ hurtles by, trips, get up, runs again, adrenaline
pumping as PURSUING SOUNDS near. He pitches down a
staircase, shoves TWO PEOPLE and rips through--

INT. COFFEE SHOP - CONTINUOUS

He flies past the diners and exits into--

EXT. BUSY STREET - CONTINUOUS

HICKS and ANOTHER fly out of the diner, just in time to
see ZAVITZ melting in with Christmas shoppers that are
entering a department store.

We see that the large sign over the entrance to the
store reads: "HARRISON'S".

INT. HARRISON'S DEPARTMENT STORE - EVENING

An upscale store packed with Christmas shoppers.

At a fashion ramp, a small crowd of mostly WOMEN have
gathered to watch leggy models feature a particular
line of lingerie. Mixed in among this group is DEAN, a
shopping bag in each hand, his briefcase tucked under
one arm, trying his best to affect an air of the
studious shopper.

WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
May I help you?

DEAN
(startled)
Hm?!

The WOMAN is sales clerk who's been in this situation
before.

SALES CLERK
Do you see anything you like?

DEAN
I'm married.

SALES CLERK
That's fine.

DEAN
I'm married to my wife...of several
years...and I'd like to buy...as a
Christmas present...
SALES CLERK
You'd like to buy your wife some
lingerie as a Christmas gift.

DEAN
Yes. I have her permission.

SALES CLERK
It's okay. I think it's a wonderful
gift.

DEAN
Can you help me?

SALES CLERK
How 'bout Christian Dior?

DEAN
Is that good?

SALES CLERK
Very good.

DEAN
I don't know anything about this.
Well, I mean, I know a little
about--from a certain perspective.
My point is, I don't want to do
anything foolish.

SALES CLERK
It's a little late for that.

DEAN
I'll say.

SALES CLERK
What size?

DEAN
Pardon?

SALES CLERK
What size?

DEAN
Eight. Size eight.

SALES CLERK
I'll be right back.

DEAN
Thanks.

SALES CLERK
Remain calm.
DEAN
Okay.

The SALES CLERK goes around the counter to the rear
area. DEAN glances at the fashion show when he glimpses--

ZAVITZ, hurrying through the women's dressing area,
desperately looking for an exit. No luck. ZAVITZ moves
toward DEAN, about to break for the front, but HICKS is
there searching. Trapped, ZAVITZ ducks behind a display.

DEAN watches, unaware of ZAVITZ's pursuers. Then it
clicks...

DEAN
Daniel?

ZAVITZ turns, frightened....

DEAN (CONT'D)
It's me, Robert Dean.
(beat)
From Seth, Silverberg. I worked on--

ZAVITZ
Bobby--

DEAN
It's been a few years.

ZAVITZ
Yeah.

DEAN
I'm just doing some Christmas
shopping. It's for my wife, no
kidding. Though, this isn't the
main present, it's just, you know,
a little--

ZAVITZ
I need help.

DEAN
Tell me about it.

ZAVITZ
How can I reach you?

DEAN
(beat)
Are you okay?

ZAVITZ
Are you still in Crystal City?
DEAN
Yeah, what's going on?

SALES CLERK (O.S.)
I think she'll like this very much.

DEAN
Listen, Daniel, hang on one second.

SALES CLERK
For that matter, I think you will too.

DEAN
(to the SALES CLERK)
Could you give me just a moment to
talk to a friend of mine here? Not
about this, but...Daniel?

DEAN looks around...

...ZAVITZ is gone.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Disguised as a delivery worker, Pratt pursues the elusive Zavitz, who escapes capture by falling from a rooftop and fleeing through a series of locations. Their cat-and-mouse chase culminates in a department store, where Zavitz encounters Dean. Dean offers assistance to the distressed and disoriented Zavitz, but the latter vanishes before Dean can fully comprehend the situation.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Minor inconsistencies in pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a well-executed chase sequence that builds tension and keeps the audience invested in the outcome. The mix of genres adds depth and excitement to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chase and escape in a crowded department store is unique and adds a fresh twist to the typical action scene. The setting and circumstances create a dynamic and thrilling scenario.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the protagonist, Zavitz, is pursued by his enemies and seeks help from an old acquaintance. The tension and stakes are heightened, setting up further conflict and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic chase sequence, incorporating elements of technology and urban environments to create a unique and engaging narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Zavitz and Dean, are well-developed and their actions and reactions in the scene are consistent with their established personalities. Zavitz's desperation and Dean's willingness to help add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Zavitz undergoes a significant change in this scene, transitioning from a state of fear and desperation to determination and resourcefulness as he evades his pursuers. His character arc is compelling and adds depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Pratt's internal goal is to successfully complete the mission and apprehend Zavitz. This reflects his desire for success and competence in his job.

External Goal: 7

Pratt's external goal is to capture Zavitz before he escapes. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the chase.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and constant, with Zavitz facing physical danger and emotional turmoil as he tries to escape his pursuers. The high stakes and fast-paced action drive the conflict forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Zavitz facing multiple obstacles and challenges as he tries to escape. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with Zavitz's life in danger as he is pursued by his enemies. The intense chase and escape sequence raises the tension and keeps the audience engaged in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, advancing the plot, and deepening character relationships. The chase and escape sequence adds momentum to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the chase sequence. The audience is kept on their toes as the characters face obstacles and challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the pursuit of justice and the desire for freedom. Zavitz's actions challenge the societal norms of law and order, while Pratt's pursuit reflects the need to uphold those norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and desperation in the audience as they witness Zavitz's frantic escape attempt. The emotional impact is heightened by the fast-paced action and high stakes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation, with Zavitz and Dean's brief interaction revealing their history and current predicament. The dialogue serves the scene well but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the chase and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the chase. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and momentum as the chase unfolds. The formatting is appropriate for the genre, with concise action lines and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of action and tension, which is engaging for the audience. However, the transition from Pratt sprinting down the hall to Jones kicking in Zavitz's door feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There are multiple elements introduced in quick succession - the radio voice instructions, Jones looking out the window, Zavitz's escape, and the rooftop confrontation. This rapid pace can be overwhelming for the audience and may benefit from some moments of pause or clarity to ensure all the details are understood.
  • The rooftop setting adds a sense of danger and urgency to the scene, but the sudden fall of Zavitz due to a pigeon flying by feels a bit contrived and could be made more believable to maintain the suspense.
  • The chase sequence through the alleyway and into the department store is well-executed, but the interaction between Dean and Zavitz in the lingerie section feels out of place given the intense pursuit happening simultaneously. This tonal shift could be smoothed out to maintain the tension of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Zavitz is a bit disjointed and could benefit from more natural flow and interaction between the characters. Additionally, the sudden disappearance of Zavitz at the end leaves the audience hanging and could be resolved more conclusively.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between different elements of the scene to ensure a smoother flow of action and information.
  • Provide moments of clarity or pause amidst the rapid pace of the scene to allow the audience to digest important details.
  • Focus on making the rooftop fall of Zavitz more believable and less abrupt to maintain the suspense and tension.
  • Ensure that the tonal shifts in the scene are cohesive and serve to enhance the overall atmosphere of urgency and danger.
  • Work on improving the dialogue between Dean and Zavitz to make their interaction more engaging and realistic, and provide a more satisfying resolution to Zavitz's disappearance.



Scene 8 -  Zavitz's Tragic Demise
EXT. HARRISON'S DEPARTMENT STORE - EVENING

Out on the street, ZAVITZ shoves into a group of
shoppers waiting for the light. Then he sees HICKS and
his PARTNER. They see him.

Fuck the light.

ZAVITZ runs into the street as--

--a BUS speeds through yellow. ZAVITZ is caught in its
path.

BAM!

Only stunned witnesses remain.

DEAN exits the department store. He sees the commotion
and makes his way over.

DEAN
(to a bystander)
What happened?

BYSTANDER
A guy got hit by a bus.

DEAN
Ah, Jesus.

SIRENS can be heard in the distance. DEAN eyes the
ground where the body lays. He sees Zavitz's BLOODY
JACKET...

DEAN
(quietly)
Ah...Jesus.

EXT. ANNAPOLIS - NIGHT

DEAN's BMW drives through a neighborhood of stately
homes, all magnificently decorated for Christmas.

INT. DEAN'S BMW - CONTINUOUS

DEAN drives, a little shaken by events. The RADIO plays
an AT&T COMMERCIAL relaying the joys of home tele-
conferencing. DEAN enters the driveway of his picture-
perfect home.

INT. DEAN'S HOME/FOYER - NIGHT

DEAN enters with his shopping bags and briefcase.
Searching for family members, he enters--

INT. DEAN'S HOME/DEN - NIGHT

DEAN's 8 year old son, ERIC and Eric's friend DYLAN sit
by the big-screen TV, glued to a video game. A NANNY is
nearby, lost in a magazine.

DEAN
Excuse me, have any of you seen an
eight year old boy, good looking,
about yea-big.

ERIC
Hi, dad.

DYLAN
Hi, Mr. Dean.

DEAN
Hello. Hello, Maria.

NANNY (MARIA)
Hello, Mr. Dean.

ERIC
We can't get to the fourth level.
We keep getting vaporized by the
Black Knight.

DEAN
You're learning a cruel lesson.

ERIC
Are those my Christmas presents?

DEAN
Some of 'em.
ERIC
Can I open 'em up?

DEAN
Sure, go ahead.

ERIC
Really?

DEAN
In your dreams.

ERIC
Dad!

DEAN
(to DYLAN)
You staying for dinner?

DYLAN
Is it okay?

DEAN
You got any money?

ERIC
He's kidding.

DEAN
Where's mom?

ERIC
She's in the kitchen.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A reckless dash across the street results in a deadly collision, leaving Dean, a horrified witness, to grapple with its aftermath. He encounters his son Eric and his friend Dylan, playing video games, and realizes the stark contrast between their carefree youth and the grim reality he has just witnessed.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Unexpected plot twist
  • Realistic family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Some elements of the scene may feel cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions and introduces a tragic turn of events that will likely have significant repercussions on the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of unexpected tragedy in the midst of a seemingly normal family setting adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot takes a surprising turn with the sudden accident, setting up potential conflicts and character developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of family dynamics and work-life balance, with a mix of intense and light moments. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show genuine emotions and reactions to the tragic event, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist undergoes a significant emotional change due to the tragic event, setting up potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dean's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the aftermath of witnessing a tragic accident and return home to his family. This reflects his need for stability, safety, and connection with his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Dean's external goal is to find his son and interact with his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing work and family life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the sudden tragedy and the emotional turmoil it brings to the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, especially in Dean's interactions with his family and the aftermath of the accident.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the unexpected tragedy, impacting not only the characters' personal lives but also the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist that will likely have lasting consequences.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it shifts between moments of tragedy and comedy, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of family and work-life balance. Dean's actions and dialogue show his struggle to prioritize his family while dealing with the demands of his job.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness and concern, particularly through the protagonist's reaction to the tragedy.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the family dynamics, but could be more impactful in conveying the emotional weight of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it balances intense moments with lighthearted family interactions, keeping the audience invested in Dean's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by smoothly transitioning between intense and light moments, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic narrative, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sudden and dramatic event of Zavitz getting hit by a bus, which creates a sense of shock and urgency. However, the transition from this intense moment to Dean's interaction with bystanders and his family feels a bit abrupt and disjointed.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in Dean's reaction to witnessing the aftermath of the accident. Given the gravity of the situation, Dean's response could be more impactful and reflective of the tragedy that just occurred.
  • The dialogue between Dean, Eric, Dylan, and the nanny in the home feels a bit disconnected from the previous intense events. It might be beneficial to maintain a consistent tone and emotional resonance throughout the scene.
  • The shift from the chaotic and suspenseful street scene to the calm and mundane family interaction could be smoother to maintain the tension and engagement of the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and convey the emotional weight of the events that transpired.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the intense bus accident and the subsequent family interaction to ensure a more seamless flow of emotions and tone.
  • Enhance Dean's reaction to the accident to reflect the gravity of the situation and add depth to his character.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene to keep the audience engaged and connected to the unfolding events.
  • Work on creating a smoother shift between the dramatic street scene and the domestic setting to maintain the overall tension and atmosphere.
  • Include more visual cues and descriptions to evoke the emotional impact of the bus accident and its aftermath, as well as the subsequent family interaction.



Scene 9 -  Kitchen Debate: Security vs. Civil Liberties
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

The kitchen is in the midst of a remodel. A wall-
mounted TV is showing "CROSSFIRE", where the two HOSTS
are mediating a battle between TWO SENATORS.

STACY watches the show with one eye, cooks with the other.

SENATOR TASKEN (TV)
Laws service society and they need
to be flexible to meet changing
demands. We've got to be able to
deal with a terrorist threat before
it occurs.

DEAN enters...

DEAN
Hey.

STACY
This guy's a fat-assed Rotarian gasbag.
DEAN
Uh-oh.

STACY
Listen to him.

SENATOR TASKEN (TV)
This is no longer a theoretical
problem, it's a reality. Turn on
the news. Bombings, hostages--

DEAN
He's got a point.

STACY
Bobby!

DEAN
Not a very good one, but--

STACY
So you tap everyone's phone? You
use computers to probe financial
records? New Search and Seizure laws?

DEAN
Just for the criminals.

STACY
We won't suspend the civil rights
of the good people.

DEAN
Right.

STACY
You should take this seriously.

DEAN
I think you're taking it seriously
enough for both of us.

He kisses her. A good one.

STACY
(softer)
You're a lawyer. Don't you care
what's going on around you?

DEAN
Something bad happened tonight.

STACY
What?

DEAN
I saw a man die.
STACY
What do you mean?

DEAN
In front of Harrison's, he got hit
by a bus. I knew him. The firm did
some pro bono work for his
organization a few years back.

STACY
(beat)
I'm sorry.

DEAN
The thing is, when I saw him, it
seemed like he wanted to tell me...
(beat)
...he was upset about something and
he said...
(beat)
Doesn't matter now. I'm gonna wash up.

STACY
What'd you buy at Harrison's?

DEAN
A toaster. And no terrorist talk at
dinner. You're spookin' the kids.

DEAN heads upstairs...

REYNOLDS (V.O.)
"Do thou, O Lord, protect us--
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a deeply divided political climate, a couple living in a partially remodeled kitchen debate the balance between security and civil rights. While cooking dinner, Stacy expresses her strong opposition to a senator's argument for increased government surveillance powers. Her husband, Dean, takes a more pragmatic stance, defending the need for such measures to prevent terrorism. The conversation takes a somber turn when Dean reveals that he witnessed a man's death that evening. Despite their differing viewpoints, they share a loving kiss before Dean exits to wash up.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Personal reflection
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of the protagonist witnessing a death and his wife's concern about societal issues. The dialogue is engaging and reveals character depth.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring personal emotions in the midst of larger societal issues is well executed. The scene provides insight into the protagonist's internal struggles and external conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the protagonist's revelation about the death he witnessed and his wife's reaction to current events. It adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on political and personal issues, with authentic dialogue and realistic character actions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with the protagonist showing vulnerability and emotional depth, and his wife displaying concern and support. Their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a subtle change in perspective as he reflects on the death he witnessed. His emotional response hints at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to balance his personal life with the disturbing events he witnessed, reflecting his deeper need for emotional connection and stability.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid discussing terrorism at dinner and maintain a sense of normalcy for his family, reflecting the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, as the protagonist grapples with the death he witnessed and his wife's concerns. It sets up potential conflicts for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional conflicts that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the protagonist's internal turmoil and his wife's concerns. It sets up potential higher stakes in future events.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward, it deepens the audience's understanding of the protagonist and his personal struggles. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and character actions that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the debate between security and civil rights, challenging the protagonist's beliefs about the balance between safety and personal freedoms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, particularly in the protagonist's reaction to the death he witnessed. It evokes empathy and connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and thoughts effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense political debate, emotional revelations, and sharp character interactions that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing the impact of the characters' interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, as it jumps from a political TV show to a personal conversation between Dean and Stacy without a smooth transition.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially the exchange between Dean and Stacy regarding civil rights and government surveillance.
  • The character development is lacking, as Stacy's reaction to Dean witnessing a man's death seems superficial and disconnected.
  • The setting and visual descriptions are minimal, making it difficult for the audience to fully immerse themselves in the scene.
  • The emotional depth and impact of Dean witnessing a traumatic event are not fully explored, leaving the scene feeling shallow and lacking in depth.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves a specific narrative or character development goal.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Provide more context and background information to enhance the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and reactions.
  • Expand on the setting and visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere for the scene.
  • Deepen the emotional impact of Dean witnessing a man's death by exploring his internal thoughts and feelings in more detail.



Scene 10 -  The Investigation Begins
INT. CATECHISM CLASSROOM - SAME TIME

REYNOLDS lectures a class of young CATECHISM STUDENTS.

REYNOLDS (CONT'D)
--guard us ever from this generation.
On every side the wicked prowl, as
vileness is exalted among the sons
of men." Psalms 12.7 and 12.8. Tell
me what this means, Mr. O'Brian.

O'BRIAN
It means--

REYNOLDS cellular phone rings. He opens his briefcase
and takes it out.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

REYNOLDS busts out of the room, phone to his ear. Two
MEN IN SUITS wait like pit bulls, ready for anything.
Over the phone, we HEAR CONNECTING HANDSHAKES as the
lines find digital compatibility.

INTERCUT WITH:

HARRISON'S DEPARTMENT STORE - CONTINUOUS

The store is now closed.

INT. SECURITY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

HICKS holds a cellular phone as PRATT questions the
SALES CLERK. Nearby, a monitor shows a time-coded
surveillance tape of the lingerie section. DEAN and
ZAVITZ are in playback, engaged in their earlier meeting.

Finally, a confirming tone...

REYNOLDS
What happened?

HICKS
He's dead. An accident. Hit by a bus.

REYNOLDS
What about the tapes?

HICKS
We found the originals.

REYNOLDS
The originals?

HICKS
There was a transfer.

REYNOLDS
Am I to understand--

HICKS
He never made it to the newspaper,
but there was private sector contact.

REYNOLDS
Who?

HICKS
Several indiscriminates and one
primary who we've ID'd as Robert
Dean. A Crystal City attorney.
(silence)
Mr. Reynolds?
(silence)
Sir?

REYNOLDS
Contact COINTEL. Profile. Assess
the threat. Then cross-check
against Zavitz. Red-flag the
intersects and anything we can
exploit. Also NRO. Pull up the
keyhole tapes. I need to own him. I
need to own him now.

EXT. NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY, BLDG 227 - DAY

Establishing. Fort Meade. A massive complex surrounded
by razor wire and surveillance cameras.

SUPER: NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY, FORT MEADE, MARYLAND

We PUSH IN on one building several blocks long. Its
roof is bristling with antennas, dishes and domes.

INT. BUILDING/A LARGE SPACE - CONTINUOUS

TIGHT ON MANILA folder stamped

TOP SECRET - UMBRA
HANDLE VIA COMINT CHANNELS ONLY
HAND CARRY - NO COPIES

A SKINNY MAN clutches the folder, walking by endless
cubicles of high-tech industriousness. He stops where
an ANALYST types on a terminal near a retinal scanner.
The ANALYST opens the folder to see a request for a
PRIORITY WRAP on ROBERT DEAN, followed by a Social
Security Number. The ANALYST enters in the number.

A MONTAGE OF IMAGES GAINING IN SPEED--

CLOSE on COMPUTER SCREENS showing in the harvesting of
DEAN's electrical identity. His phone bills scroll by.
Names, addresses, employment people called--

Months, years flashing by quickly. Other data banks are
probed. Insurance policies, credit histories, video
rentals, library checkouts, school transcripts, ATM
transactions, tax returns...everything. Irregularities
are red-flagged.

A matching ZAVITZ ITEM is found. DEAN's banking info is
red-flagged. He has large cash withdrawals with no
matching purchases. His withdrawal dates match up with
unaccounted-for cash deposits...

...in RACHEL BANKS' savings account.

CLOSE ON PRINTER. Conclusions spill out labeled "RISK".
More probes are recommended into the RACHEL BANKS/ROBERT
DEAN money connection.

CLOSE ON EYE BEING SCANNED - We HEAR a TONE.

PULL BACK to a PREGNANT WOMAN sitting with her head
pressed to the scanner. A second verification TONE
sounds. A poster above her work station reads:

IN A DIGITAL WORLD
NUMBERS DON'T LIE - PEOPLE DO

She enters a phone number in her terminal. The computer
DIALS. She waits, snacking on rice cakes. Finally,
another computer ANSWERS. On screen appears: PAC-TEL
TESTING BOARD. The screen fills with choices. She
highlights -

AT&T LINE-VERIFICATION REQUEST
LOG-IN ACCESS CODE

She enters another command. A new prompt reads: ENTER
LINE REQUEST NUMBER.

Eyeing DEAN's folder, she enters the phone number and
commands "ENTER". "RECORD".

The telephone tap is instant.

A VOICE GRAPH appears in-sync with CONVERSATION now
coming over the speakers.

DEAN (O.S.)
(mid-conversation, over speakers)
Diane's instinct is that it's sabre
rattling. I think they're gonna
file suit.

She enters more commands. An Automated-Voice-Transcriber
kicks in. DEAN's CONVERSATION is now transcribed
automatically.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Upon learning of Dean's death, Reynolds initiates a comprehensive investigation. COINTEL profiles and assesses the threat posed by Dean and cross-checks it against Zavitz. NRO pulls up Dean's keyhole tapes. NSA conducts a massive data collection and analysis operation, uncovering financial irregularities and a connection to Rachel Banks. A phone tap is set up on Dean's line to transcribe his conversations automatically.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot development
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some characters may need more development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up multiple plot threads that keep the audience intrigued. The tension and stakes are high, and the dialogue is sharp and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of surveillance, government agencies, and the manipulation of information is central to the scene. It is executed effectively and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the discovery of surveillance tapes and the revelation of private sector contacts. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of religious teachings in a classroom setting with high-tech surveillance and espionage elements, creating a fresh and intriguing juxtaposition. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension and secrecy of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their goals and motivations, adding layers to the unfolding story. Reynolds, Dean, and Zavitz stand out with their determined and secretive nature.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle shifts in character dynamics and motivations, especially with the revelation of private sector contacts and the pursuit of information. These changes set the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Reynolds' internal goal is to maintain control and stay ahead of the situation, as evidenced by his quick actions and instructions to his team.

External Goal: 9

Reynolds' external goal is to track down Robert Dean and assess the threat he poses, as well as exploit any vulnerabilities to gain control over him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with multiple characters vying for control, information, and power. The stakes are raised with the discovery of surveillance tapes and the pursuit of key individuals.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene, such as Dean's unknowing surveillance and Reynolds' urgent need to control the situation, creates a sense of conflict and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters risking exposure, manipulation, and danger in pursuit of their goals. The discovery of surveillance tapes and the pursuit of key individuals raise the tension and stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new information, conflicts, and plot threads. It sets the stage for future revelations and confrontations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden turn of events, such as the revelation of Dean's surveillance and Reynolds' urgent instructions to his team, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of surveillance, control, and power. Reynolds' actions reflect a belief in using surveillance and manipulation to maintain control and power, while Dean's unknowingly being monitored challenges the idea of privacy and individual freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on tension and intrigue than emotional depth, the high stakes and suspenseful atmosphere do evoke a sense of concern and anticipation in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals important information about the characters and their intentions. It keeps the audience engaged and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, tense atmosphere, and high-stakes conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively transitions between different locations and characters, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Reynolds teaching a catechism class to a high-stakes phone call and surveillance operation, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Reynolds and Hicks feels a bit rushed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand the significance of the information being exchanged.
  • The scene introduces a lot of new characters and information without providing enough context or development, which can be overwhelming for the audience.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the NSA building and the high-tech surveillance operations, are not fully explored or utilized to create a more immersive setting.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with a lot of information being presented in a short amount of time, leading to a lack of emotional engagement with the characters and their motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to provide a smoother transition between Reynolds teaching the class and the surveillance operation, allowing for a more coherent flow of events.
  • Develop the dialogue between Reynolds and Hicks to add more depth and clarity to the information being exchanged, making it easier for the audience to follow along.
  • Introduce the new characters and information gradually, providing more context and development to help the audience connect with the story and characters.
  • Utilize the visual elements of the NSA building and surveillance operations to create a more visually engaging and immersive setting, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional engagement with the characters and their motivations, giving the audience a better understanding of the stakes involved.



Scene 11 -  Evidence in Dean's Bag
INT. NRO, KEYHOLE-12 LAB - CONTINUOUS

A massive, dark place growing with monitors and tech.

SUPER: NATIONAL RECONNAISSANCE ORGANIZATION, CHANTILLY,
VIRGINIA

Names of world regions are posted above endless monitor
screens displaying live, digital-image feeds of Earth
coming in from the Keyhole-12 Spy Satellites. Every
populated area of the planet is covered here. ANALYSTS
attend the many feeds.

A poster reads:

THE KEYHOLE '12' SERIES
MAKING THE WORLD AN HONEST PLACE

On another poster, a man's running shadow in a target
bulls-eye with a caption reading:
YOU ARE A SECURITY TARGET

Beneath a sign reading U.S. North-East Coastal Region,
an ANALYST reviews time-coded, digital SAT videos of
Washington, D.C. As seen from space, the Capitol
appears to be nothing more than a greyish mass. The
ANALYST keys commands into his system.

CLOSE ON MONITOR - The overhead SAT view of Washington
moves in closer, soon streets are discernible, then
cars and buses - then an accident in an intersection
with flashing ambulance lights and a bus. A body lies
twisted in the street - it's ZAVITZ.

The ANALYST enters additional commands. The ZAVITZ/bus
accident freezes, then plays in reverse as if recorded
by the eye of God. The scene continues reversing,
following close on Zavitz as he back-tracks into
Harrison's Department Store.

INT. ANOTHER VIDEO LAB - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON ANOTHER ANALYST facing three monitors showing
additional views of ZAVITZ's escape as captured by a
traffic camera, an ATM camera and the security inside
Harrison's.

FIEDLER (O.S.)
We've checked everything. NRO tapes,
traffic surveillance monitors -

INT. IMAGE ENHANCEMENT LAB

TWO TECHIES huddle by a monitor overseen by FIEDLER, a
computer expert. The monitor displays the Harrison's
surveillance tape of the ZAVITZ/DEAN meeting.

FIEDLER (CONT'D)
- and two ATM cameras. The one
showing promise, though, is this
security camera from the department
store.
(to TECHIE)
Freeze there.

The TECHIE hits a command. ZAVITZ and DEAN freeze on
screen.

FIEDLER (CONT'D)
Times ten.

The TECHIE boxes the area to be enhanced. He types
commands. The boxed area increases ten-fold.

FIEDLER (CONT'D)
Focus on the drop.
The enlarged view shifts to DEAN's gift bags. The
picture's fuzzy. Someone passes by, blocking the view
at a crucial moment.

FIEDLER (CONT'D)
Enhance, then forward, frame by
frame...

More keystrokes. The computer takes over, clarifying
the image with passes of resolution.

HICKS leans in closer as the image of the bag inches
forward.

FIEDLER (CONT'D)
Just before the view's blocked,
Zavitz reaches in his jacket for
something. When the view returns,
there's a shape change in Dean's
bag. See the shadow variance? We
reverse imaged it--

FIEDLER points to another screen displaying a digitally-
enhanced image of the shadowed object and its
approximate shape.

FIEDLER (CONT'D)
Something's definitely been added.
It's not a video cassette, the
shadow's wrong.

REYNOLDS steps forward. His eyes are red. It's been a
long night.

REYNOLDS
What's your opinion?

FIEDLER
It's hard to say for certain, these
things are--

REYNOLDS
I'm not asking you to say for certain.
This is what you're trained to do,
right?

FIEDLER
Yes sir.

REYNOLDS
Then what's your goddam opinion?

FIEDLER
(beat)
Zavitz had digital compression
equipment. He could've downloaded
into something. A disk, a chip,
anything small enough to put in his
pocket and run with. Whatever he
put it in, he dropped it in that bag.

REYNOLDS
(to HICKS)
Get it.

REYNOLDS heads for the door.

HICKS
We'd have to--

REYNOLDS
Get it.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Investigators trace the events leading to Zavitz's death and discover that he may have placed something in Dean's bag. They believe it could be a compressed digital file and order its retrieval.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex plot developments
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some technical jargon may be hard to follow for casual viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, mystery, and significant plot developments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of surveillance, investigation, and uncovering hidden truths is executed with precision and complexity, adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the discovery of new evidence and the escalation of conflicts, driving the narrative forward with impactful revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and premise, exploring the intersection of surveillance technology and espionage. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are deeply involved in the unfolding events, showcasing their determination, intelligence, and moral dilemmas in the face of escalating danger.

Character Changes: 7

Characters undergo subtle shifts in their beliefs, motivations, and actions as they grapple with new information and escalating dangers.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind Zavitz's actions and determine the contents of Dean's bag. This reflects their desire for clarity and resolution in a high-stakes situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to retrieve the item that Zavitz dropped into Dean's bag, potentially containing sensitive information. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of securing vital evidence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with escalating conflicts, both internal and external, as characters face increasing threats and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the protagonist's skills and determination. The uncertainty of the investigation adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters face threats to their lives, reputations, and moral integrity, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations in the investigation, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between security and privacy. The characters must weigh the importance of surveillance and information gathering against individual rights and ethical considerations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes tension, suspense, and concern for the characters' well-being, drawing the audience into the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, focused, and serves to advance the plot while revealing character motivations and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, technical intrigue, and high-stakes investigation. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and information reveals. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals key information. It maintains a clear focus on the protagonist's goals and the unfolding investigation.


Critique
  • The scene is set in a high-tech surveillance facility, which is visually described in detail. The use of monitors and tech creates a sense of a dark and intense environment.
  • The scene effectively establishes the location and the activities of the analysts at the National Reconnaissance Organization (NRO). The posters on the wall add to the atmosphere of surveillance and security.
  • The use of live digital-image feeds from the Keyhole-12 Spy Satellites adds a layer of realism and tension to the scene.
  • The close-up on the monitor showing the accident involving Zavitz is a powerful visual moment that captures the impact of the event.
  • The dialogue between Fiedler and the techies provides insight into the process of analyzing surveillance footage and enhancing images, adding depth to the scene.
  • Reynolds' intense demeanor and red eyes convey the urgency and seriousness of the situation, emphasizing the importance of uncovering the truth.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue as the analysts work to uncover the contents of Dean's bag and the potential significance of Zavitz's actions.
  • The tension between Reynolds and Fiedler adds a layer of conflict and urgency to the scene, enhancing the overall drama.
  • The scene effectively sets up the next steps in the investigation and leaves the audience wanting to know more about the contents of Dean's bag.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere of the surveillance facility and the activities of the analysts.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the events unfolding on the monitors to further engage the audience.
  • Provide more insight into the characters' motivations and stakes in the investigation to deepen the conflict and tension.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or introspection for Reynolds to further highlight the gravity of the situation.
  • Ensure a smooth transition to the next scene to maintain the momentum and intrigue of the investigation.



Scene 12 -  Ransacked Home and Mysterious Questions
INT. RANGE ROVER - NIGHT

DEAN drives with STACY as ERIC sleeps in the back seat.
Various hats and souvenirs tell us that they've just
come from a Redskins game.

They drive in silence for a moment before...

STACY
Bobby?

DEAN
Yeah.

STACY
How'd you get the information on
DePinto?

DEAN
What do you mean?

STACY
Who did you work with to get the--

DEAN
A guy named Brill. Same guy as always.

STACY
Yeah, but you said you've never met
him. How did you--

DEAN
Honey, I don't like to talk about
this stuff in front of Eric.

STACY
Have you been working with Rachel?

DEAN
No.
STACY
(beat)
Sorry.

DEAN
It's okay.

The RANGE ROVER pulls into the driveway.

INT. DEAN'S HOME/ENTRY FOYER - NIGHT

The DEAN's enter the doorway. ERIC and STACY are first.
They stop, faces shocked. DEAN hasn't noticed yet. His
hand automatically goes to the alarm key pad.

CLOSE ON THE PAD - The LED reads: ARMED. DEAN punches
the code -

STACY
Oh my God -

DEAN turns.

The house is ransacked. The ALARM suddenly BLARES,
adding mayhem.

CLOSE-UP ON THE CEILING VENT - The CAMERA PUSHES IN
TIGHT revealing a concealed, fiber-optic video lens the
size of a pin-head.

EXT. DEAN'S STREET - CONTINUOUS

Several cars and a florist van are parked on the quiet
street.

INT. FLORIST VAN - CONTINUOUS

The van is really an electronic surveillance post
jammed with the latest equipment. A TECHIE with
headphones eyes a monitor.

CLOSE ON THE MONITOR showing the PIN HOLE SURVEILLANCE
VIEW of STACY walking through a disheveled room in a
state of shock while DEAN pulls out his cellular phone
and dials.

DEAN
(through the TECHIE's headphones)
This is Robert Dean at 3325 Sutton
Place. I want to report a break-in.

INT. RACQUETBALL COURT - MORNING

A black ball slams against a wall. PULL BACK to DEAN,
who's angry, frustrated and drenched in sweat. He's
embroiled in a hard, fast game with his friend, JERRY.
DEAN
They took the espresso machine. The
espresso machine, Jerry! Which
makes sense, you know, because the
crooks probably wanted to make
themselves a latte before fencing
the stereo.

JERRY
Did they take your clothes?

DEAN
No.

JERRY
You've got a bunch of Armani suits,
they didn't take 'em?

DEAN
No.

JERRY
Usually they take clothes.

DEAN
Why don't you give 'em a call.

JERRY
What about jewelry?

DEAN
They didn't take the jewelry. They
took the computers. They took the
big-screen TV, they took my blender.

JERRY
The blender?

DEAN
I love my blender.

JERRY
They didn't take the silverware?

DEAN
No, but they took my blender.

JERRY
Sounds like they didn't want
anything that wasn't electric?

DEAN
What?

JERRY
They only took electrical appliances.
DEAN
Serve the ball.

INT. DEAN'S OFFICE BUILDING/LOBBY - MORNING

A busy lobby for a major complex. DEAN, freshly
showered, steps from a door marked: TO PARKING LEVELS.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Robert Dean?

DEAN turns to see MORELOS, 40's, an obsessive man with
a terminal smile.

DEAN
(beat)
Yes?

MORELOS
I didn't want to bother you during
your racquetball game.

DEAN
(beat)
Thanks.
(beat)
Who are you?

MORELOS shows him his badge.

MORELOS
I'm sorry. Detective Morelos.

DEAN
Hey, did you guys find my stuff?

MORELOS
Your stuff?

DEAN
The robbery.

MORELOS
No, sir, I'm not involved with that.
I'm doing a quick follow-up on a
bus accident took place a few
nights ago. Your name keeps coming up.

DEAN
Oh...yeah, I didn't see the accident.

MORELOS
Witnesses said you were there, but
I notice you didn't file a report.

DEAN
A report?
MORELOS
A police report.

DEAN
That's 'cause I wasn't there.

MORELOS
You weren't at Harrison's Department
Store the night before--

DEAN
I was in the store, the accident
was outside. It was a bus.

MORELOS
Someone said you spoke to Mr.
Zavitz before he died. I thought
you might know something.

DEAN
About what?

MORELOS
About the accident.

DEAN
I'm no expert, but I'm assuming
that the impact of a moving bus
against his body caused--

MORELOS
Mr. Zavitz was in trouble.

DEAN
What kind of trouble.

MORELOS
You tell me.

DEAN
I can't.

MORELOS
Are you invoking attorney/client
privilege.

DEAN
I'm not his attorney.

MORELOS
Than why can't you tell me.

DEAN
Because I don't know.

MORELOS
I'm just trying to determine if Mr.
Zavitz was involved in something
more than a simple bus accident.

DEAN
Than why don't you talk to the bus
driver?

MORELOS
Why so edgy, Mr. Dean?

DEAN
Somebody took my blender.

MORELOS
We'd appreciate your cooperation.

DEAN
I'm happy to help you all I can.
But I didn't see the accident and I
barely knew Daniel Zavitz. I've
gotta go to work.

DEAN starts walking--MORELOS follows him.

MORELOS
Did he give you anything?

DEAN
No.

MORELOS
Anything at all?

DEAN
No, sir.

MORELOS
Was he with anyone?

DEAN
Not that I could see.

MORELOS
Nobody gave you anything?

DEAN
No.

MORELOS
Why'd you go to Harrison's?

DEAN
To buy lingerie.

MORELOS
For your wife?
DEAN
Yes, for my wife, what the hell
kinds of questions are these.

MORELOS
I thought maybe it might be for
Rachel Banks.

DEAN stops short and turns to MORELOS. He stares.

DEAN
I don't know what's goin' on with
Zavitz, but that was way, way outa
line.
(beat)
You understand?

MORELOS
Yes sir.

DEAN steps into the elevator.

MORELOS
(into concealed sleeve-mic)
403 to 401. He's coming up.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Dean and Stacey return to their ransacked home, leaving them in shock. A surveillance camera captures the break-in, while Detective Morelos questions Dean about a bus accident and the death of Daniel Zavitz. Dean denies knowledge of the incident, creating tension and mystery.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Introducing new plot elements
  • Creating a sense of mystery
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces new elements to the plot, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of surveillance, interrogation, and mystery is well-executed in the scene, adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of surveillance, a break-in, and a police investigation, advancing the story and raising questions about the characters' motives.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the home invasion and surveillance thriller genre by focusing on the psychological impact on the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show different sides of themselves under pressure, adding complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

Dean's character is tested as he navigates the interrogation and tries to protect his family, showing a more vulnerable side.

Internal Goal: 8

Dean's internal goal is to protect his family and maintain his privacy in the face of a potential threat. This reflects his need for security and control over his personal life.

External Goal: 7

Dean's external goal is to navigate the aftermath of the break-in and understand the motives behind the surveillance. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in protecting his family and uncovering the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dean and Detective Morelos adds tension to the scene, as Dean tries to protect himself and his family.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Detective Morelos challenging Dean's version of events and pushing him to reveal information. The audience is left uncertain about Morelos' motives and the true extent of the threat Dean faces.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dean faces potential consequences for his involvement in the events surrounding Zavitz's death.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and raising questions about the characters' involvement in the larger plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the revelation of hidden surveillance. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the invasion of privacy and the balance between security and personal freedom. Dean's values of privacy and autonomy are challenged by the surveillance and intrusion into his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is driven by the characters' fear and uncertainty in the face of surveillance and interrogation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and reveals information about the characters' relationships and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the rapid-fire dialogue exchanges, the mystery surrounding the break-in and surveillance, and the escalating tension between the characters. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and eager to uncover the truth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of fast-paced dialogue and slower moments of revelation. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The use of visual cues enhances the reader's understanding of the setting and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful thriller, with the tension building gradually and leading to a climactic revelation. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the mood and atmosphere of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping from a family conversation in the car to a ransacked house to a police interrogation without a smooth transition or connection between the different elements.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters abruptly changing topics and not engaging in realistic conversations.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and character development in the interactions between Dean, Stacy, and Detective Morelos, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters or feel invested in the scene.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively create a vivid picture of the settings or actions taking place, leaving the scene feeling flat and lacking in visual impact.
  • The scene lacks a clear escalation of tension or conflict, with the interactions between the characters feeling disjointed and lacking a sense of urgency or stakes.
Suggestions
  • Focus on one central conflict or theme for the scene to provide a clear direction and purpose for the characters and dialogue.
  • Work on developing more natural and engaging dialogue that flows smoothly and reveals character motivations and emotions.
  • Add more visual descriptions and details to create a vivid and immersive setting that enhances the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Build tension and suspense throughout the scene by escalating the conflicts and stakes, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more cohesive and coherent narrative flow, with smoother transitions between the different elements and a clearer throughline for the characters and plot.



Scene 13 -  Dean's Under Investigation
INT. LAW FIRM/CORRIDOR - DAY

DEAN walks down the hall toward his office. He stops by
PEERS as he enters his office.

PEERS
'Morning, Mr. Dean.

DEAN
Hey. Would you get me what I need
for Zwernickii and the Bellmoth
motions.

PEERS
Sure.

DEAN
And do me a favor. Find out what
you can about Daniel Zavitz. We did
some work for him a few years back
and there should be a file.

DEAN enters his office and turns his computer on. It
BEEPS, BOOTS and loads.

INT. BUILDING CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

LEVIN approaches the men's room. A MAINTENANCE MAN
cleans up broken glass and water by the door. A sign
reads: CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE. Levin turns and leaves.
MAINTENANCE MAN
(into concealed sleeve mic)
402 to 401. Doorstep's clear.

INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Two more MAINTENANCE MEN kneel in a stall adjusting a
portable monitor and oscillator. They aim a directional
antenna using slow, sweeping motions.

CLOSE ON THE MONITOR displaying the intercepted signal.
It's Dean's computer screen with text being typed in.
The words are hard to read due to horizontal drift.
After adjusting the antenna, the signal smooths.

We PUSH CLOSER. The signal shows the current display of
Dean's computer screen. We see Dean's O.S. command pull
up his E-Mail. A prompt asks for a password.

XXXXXXX appears.

A switch is flipped. XXXXXXX becomes PUCCINI. Dean's
"secure" file opens. Entries appear.

MAN #1
402, this is 401. Password's "Puccini."

EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

Establishing. A large, busy place. LAWYERS and AIDES
bustle in and out of this structure.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A busy morning as ATTORNEYS wait their turn to present
motions before the JUDGE.

DEAN is seated next to LEVIN, making notes.

LEVIN
(whispering)
Dick Burns got a phone call this
morning from someone wanting
information on you.

DEAN
The police?

LEVIN
No. He said they were doing a
credit check. Are you refinancing a
loan?

DEAN
You remember Daniel Zavitz?
LEVIN
Yeah.

DEAN
He got hit by a bus.

LEVIN
What does that have to do with you?

DEAN
I honestly don't know.

ANOTHER ATTORNEY sits several rows back, watching the
proceedings, briefcase in his lap.

CLOSE-UP on the ATTORNEY's EAR with a mini-receiver.
From it drift snippets of the DEAN/LEVIN conversation.

LEVIN (O.S.)
Was Zavitz in trouble?

DEAN (O.S.)
I don't know.

A pulled back leather flap on the ATTORNEY's briefcase
reveals the tip of a concealed microphone.

LEVIN (O.S.)
You think there was a connection to--

DEAN (O.S.)
Jesus! I just told you. I don't know.

EXT. COURTHOUSE GARAGE - DAY

DEAN waits for the garage attendant to bring down his car.

PRATT (O.S.)
Mr. Dean?

DEAN turns. TWO MEN, PRATT and BINGHAM approach him.

DEAN
Yeah?

PRATT
(pulling out a card)
We'd like to ask you some questions
about Daniel Zavitz.

DEAN
Who are you people?

PRATT
(handing DEAN the card)
I'm an investigator with Pro-Tech
Security.
DEAN
I went through this with an
investigator this morning. If I
could--

PRATT
Mr. Zavitz was involved in an
extortion scheme. We believe he
passed you sensitive materials,
possibly with your knowledge, and
we need to--

DEAN
He didn't.

PRATT
We believe he did.

DEAN
You're wrong.

PRATT
We have good reason to believe that
he passed you--

DEAN
If he passed me materials, I'd have
them. I don't.

PRATT
We'd like to recover any materials
Mr. Zavitz may have given you--

DEAN
He didn't give me--

PRATT
--otherwise we may have to--

DEAN
Otherwise you may have to what?

PRATT
We'd rather not--

DEAN
Fuck you. You may have to what?

BINGHAM
(beat)
We may have to explore additional
avenues.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Dean enters his law firm and asks Peers to gather paperwork for upcoming motions and information about Daniel Zavitz, a former client. Simultaneously, maintenance workers set up surveillance equipment in the men's room to intercept Dean's computer transmissions. In court, Levin informs Dean of an inquiry about his credit history, and Dean reveals Zavitz's recent death. Meanwhile, Dean is approached by investigators Pratt and Bingham in the courthouse garage, accusing him of involvement in Zavitz's alleged extortion scheme. Dean denies any wrongdoing, leading Pratt to threaten further investigation.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the dialogue and interactions between the characters, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating the connection between Dean and the deceased individual, as well as the potential involvement of sensitive materials, adds depth to the storyline and raises questions that drive the plot forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dean is questioned about his relationship with the deceased individual and the potential possession of sensitive materials, adding layers to the mystery and setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex legal and investigative plot with elements of surveillance and interception, adding a fresh and original twist to the familiar legal drama genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Dean displaying a defensive and assertive attitude in the face of the investigators' accusations, adding to the tension and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While Dean's character is tested and challenged by the investigators' accusations, there is not a significant change in his demeanor or attitude during the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Dean's internal goal in this scene is to protect his reputation and integrity in the face of accusations and investigations regarding his involvement with Daniel Zavitz. This reflects his deeper need for validation and trust in his professional relationships.

External Goal: 9

Dean's external goal is to clear his name and prove his innocence in the extortion scheme involving Daniel Zavitz. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the form of investigations and accusations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Dean and the investigators is palpable, with both sides asserting their positions and agendas, creating a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with investigators challenging Dean's innocence and integrity, creating a difficult and uncertain situation for the protagonist. The audience is kept on edge by the escalating conflict and accusations.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the investigation into sensitive materials and potential connections to criminal activities, adding urgency and danger to the characters' interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of mystery and suspicion, setting up future conflicts and developments that will impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, surveillance, and accusations faced by Dean. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, integrity, and the legal system. Dean's belief in his innocence clashes with the investigators' suspicions and accusations, challenging his values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and intrigue, drawing the audience into the mystery and raising questions about the characters' motivations and the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with subtext, effectively conveying the suspicion and tension between Dean and the investigators, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense and suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing plot developments. The audience is drawn into the conflict and mystery surrounding Dean's involvement with Daniel Zavitz.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, allowing the audience to absorb the information and conflicts presented. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a legal drama genre, with clear transitions between different locations and interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes and the investigation surrounding Dean.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Levin feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, failing to fully explore the implications of Zavitz's death on Dean.
  • The introduction of Pratt and Bingham feels abrupt and their interaction with Dean lacks subtlety, making the confrontation feel contrived.
  • The use of surveillance equipment and eavesdropping devices is interesting but could be more effectively integrated into the scene to build suspense and intrigue.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced character interactions and deeper exploration of the conflicts at play.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue between Dean and Levin to delve deeper into Dean's emotional response to Zavitz's death and the implications for his own situation.
  • Integrate the surveillance elements more seamlessly into the scene to enhance the tension and create a sense of paranoia.
  • Develop the confrontation between Dean and Pratt/Bingham to be more nuanced and realistic, allowing for a more organic progression of the conflict.
  • Explore the use of visual cues and non-verbal communication to enhance the suspense and intrigue of the scene.
  • Consider adding more subtext and complexity to the interactions between the characters to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.



Scene 14 -  Suspicious Interrogation and Fundraising Event
INT. TECH ROOM - NIGHT

We HEAR a recording of the conversation between DEAN,
PRATT and BINGHAM while we're CLOSE on an INK NEEDLE
measuring Dean's voice stress levels.

DEAN (V.O.)
He didn't give me--

PRATT (V.O.)
--otherwise we may have to--

DEAN (V.O.)
Otherwise you may have to what?

PRATT (V.O.)
We'd rather not--

DEAN (V.O.)
Fuck you. You may have to--

HICKS turns off the recorder. Standing with him is
REYNOLDS, the Dean file and voice stress graph laid out
before him.

HICKS
He's arrogant and threatening.
Voice stress points suggest he's
worrying.

REYNOLDS
Hiding something?

HICKS
It was in his bag. Now it's not.

REYNOLDS
Destroy his credibility before he
goes public. Neutralize him. I
don't want anyone listening to a
word he has to say. Tell me about
Rachel Banks.

EXT. EXMOOR COUNTRY CLUB - EVENING

Establishing. A massive clubhouse surrounded by
expensive cars and tended grounds. We HEAR strains of
Gershwin's "They Can't Take that Away from Me" from inside.

INT. COCKTAIL LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS

GUESTS mill about. DEAN and STACY are standing by the
reception table where name tags and seating assignments
are laid out. DEAN picks up a card that reads: MR. AND
MRS. ROBERT DEAN - TABLE 122.

JERRY steps over and puts his hand on DEAN's shoulder--

JERRY
Can I talk to you a second?
DEAN
Table 122?

JERRY
That's what I want to talk to you
about?

DEAN
I wrote a check for a thousand
dollars. You guys didn't have a
table that was in the kitchen?

JERRY gently pulls DEAN to a quiet corner...

JERRY
The Congressman's very happy to
have your support, but he's heard
that there's an investigation.

DEAN
An investigation? It was a bus
accident.

JERRY
He's heard that it's escalated.

DEAN
Into what?

JERRY
Your Bellmoth case. The FBI thinks
there might be mob ties.

DEAN
I'm a labor lawyer. There are
always mob ties.

JERRY
Just be cool.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Technicians analyze Dean's interrogation, finding indications that he's hiding something. Meanwhile, at a fundraising event, Dean learns of an FBI investigation into his case, putting his credibility and investigation at risk.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly confrontational

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events and the high-stakes situation. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and their motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of deception, manipulation, and high-stakes conflict is well-executed in the scene, setting up a complex web of intrigue and mystery that drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with Dean facing accusations and threats that have the potential to change the course of the story. The conflict is heightened, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic theme of moral ambiguity and self-preservation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene. Dean's defiance and Jerry's concern create a dynamic tension that drives the interaction.

Character Changes: 7

Dean experiences a shift in his perception of the situation, moving from denial to defiance in the face of accusations and threats. This change in attitude adds depth to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and protect his reputation in the face of potential threats and accusations. This reflects his deeper need for control and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the investigation and potential mob ties surrounding the Bellmoth case without incriminating himself or damaging his reputation further.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Dean facing accusations and threats that challenge his credibility and integrity. The tension between the characters adds to the overall conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing threats to his reputation and potential legal consequences that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Dean's credibility and integrity on the line as he faces accusations and threats that could have serious consequences for him and those around him.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and setting up future developments that will impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation and the protagonist's reactions to new information.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's values of integrity and self-preservation. He must decide how far he is willing to go to protect himself while maintaining his moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension, anxiety, and intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally engaged with the unfolding events and the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with subtext, adding depth to the characters and their relationships. The exchanges between Dean, Jerry, and Pratt are intense and engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see how the conflict unfolds.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the dialogue and action sequences.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a cliffhanger moment.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the tech room to the country club, which can be disorienting for the audience. Consider adding a smoother transition or establishing shot to connect the two locations.
  • The dialogue between Dean, Pratt, and Bingham feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety. Try to make the conversation more natural and nuanced to enhance the realism of the scene.
  • The use of profanity in the dialogue may come across as excessive and could be toned down to maintain a more professional tone in the conversation.
  • The tension and conflict in the tech room are well-established, but the shift to the country club scene feels disjointed. Work on creating a smoother flow between the two settings to maintain the momentum of the story.
  • The introduction of the investigation into Dean's possible mob ties feels somewhat rushed and could benefit from more build-up and context to make it more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief establishing shot or transition to connect the tech room scene with the country club scene for better continuity.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dean, Pratt, and Bingham to make it more natural and realistic, avoiding excessive profanity.
  • Work on pacing and structure to ensure a smoother transition between intense investigative scenes and more social settings like the country club.
  • Provide more context and build-up to the investigation into Dean's mob ties to increase the impact and relevance of this plot point.
  • Consider adding subtle visual cues or character reactions to enhance the tension and conflict in the scene without relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 15 -  Dean's World Crumbles: Ethics Violations and Alleged Mob Ties
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE ON and OLD MATRON carefully chewing her food near
a table card declaring: 122. The gala swings everywhere
but here. DEAN and STACY are the only other diners at
the table.

STACY
I don't understand why Jerry
couldn't clear this up.

DEAN
Well, you know--

STACY
He's got his priorities?
DEAN
There's just, clearly, some
administrative snafu. I'm sure this
is the worst of it.

EXT. DEAN'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Establishing. A glass and steel high-rise reaching upward.

MARTHA (V.O.)
Mr. Dean?

INT. DEAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

DEAN sits behind his desk as his secretary MARTHA enters.

DEAN
Yeah.

MARTHA
It's Rachel Banks.

DEAN picks up the phone--

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. RACHEL'S CONDO - CONTINUOUS

RACHEL cradles a portable phone to her ear.

RACHEL
(into phone)
I got a call from my firm this
morning saying don't come in.

DEAN
(into phone)
Why?

RACHEL
There are reporters wanting to know
about my relationship with you and
how long I've worked for the mob.
The mob, Bobby!

DEAN
All right, look--

Before DEAN can respond, there's a knock at the door.

PEERS sticks his head in--

PEERS
Blake and Silverberg want you in
the conference room.
DEAN
(softly)
Shit.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

DEAN sits in the conference room by himself. He waits.

After a moment, SILVERBERG and BLAKE stride in.

DEAN
Listen--

SILVERBERG
I got a call this morning from a
source I trust. The Post is running
a lead this afternoon about your
involvement in the Bellmoth
investigation.

DEAN
I don't under--

BLAKE
We've also been informed that the
Grand Jury is going to call for an
investigation into your affairs.

DEAN
Why?

BLAKE
They want to hold you in Contempt
for ethics violations.

SILVERBERG
They claim you helped create a
shell company for Sam Vollotti in
Zurich and that through your
continuing relationship, the
Gambino family's been able to exert
influence and provide false
witnesses to discredit our case.

DEAN
Oh, well, that's true.

BLAKE
It is?

DEAN
Except for the part about my
setting up a company in Zurich and
knowing anyone named Sam Vollotti
and having any relationship
whatsoever with the Gambino family.
SILVERBERG
Robert--

DEAN
Gimme a week and four guys from
litigation and I'll have the Post
pleading with us not to sue for libel.

BLAKE
Tell us about Rachel Banks.

DEAN
(stunned)
Rachel Banks?

SILVERBERG
The attorney?

BLAKE
Have you two been having an affair?

DEAN is speechless...

DEAN
What kind of a question is that?

BLAKE
A direct one.

DEAN
I have a professional relationship
with Rachel Banks. She's the go-
between for a private investigator
I use.

SILVERBERG
What's his name?

DEAN
Brill.

BLAKE
Why don't you just call Brill directly.

DEAN
I don't know who he is.

BLAKE
I'm told you had an affair with
Rachel Banks four years ago.

DEAN
Told by whom?

BLAKE
Considering the enormous exposure
to which you've subjected this firm,
I'd think you'd do best to simply
answer my questions.

DEAN
Really?

BLAKE
Yes.

DEAN
Well considering what a colossal
douche bag you are, David, maybe
I'd do best to simply kick your ass
all over the capitol.

SILVERBERG
Gentlemen--

DEAN
This is bullshit. Someone's mixing
up a bunch of half-truths to ruin
me and to ruin my case.

SILVERBERG
Who would do that?

DEAN
Maybe Bellmoth. Maybe the unions. I
don't know.

SILVERBERG
Well until we find, you're gonna
have to take a leave of absence.

DEAN
You're firing me.

SILVERBERG
A leave of absence. Until we've
sorted this all out.

DEAN
Put David on it. He seems anxious
to clear my name.

SILVERBERG
Bobby--

DEAN
Fuck off.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At a gala dinner, Dean and Stacy receive confusing information from Jerry. Dean dismisses it as an administrative issue. However, Rachel's call informs him of media inquiries about their relationship and his alleged mob ties. At his office, Dean's colleagues confront him about these allegations and an upcoming ethics investigation. Despite denying the affair, he admits to a professional relationship with Rachel. His innocence is questioned, and he is forced to take a leave of absence until the accusations are resolved.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Building tension
  • Revealing character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through confrontational dialogue and the protagonist's defensive responses, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of deception, betrayal, and false accusations is well-executed, adding depth to the protagonist's character and the overall plot.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist faces mounting challenges and threats, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex web of accusations and ethical dilemmas, offering a fresh take on the corporate thriller genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with the protagonist displaying a mix of vulnerability, determination, and defiance in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a shift from a position of confidence to vulnerability and defiance, showcasing his resilience in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to clear his name and maintain his reputation amidst false accusations and threats to his career.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the accusations and threats from his colleagues and protect his career and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the protagonist facing accusations, threats, and the risk of losing everything he has worked for.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple threats to his career and reputation that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the protagonist's reputation, career, and personal relationships on the line, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, threats, and challenges for the protagonist to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected accusations and revelations that challenge the protagonist's integrity and reputation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's integrity and the ethical standards he upholds in the face of false accusations and pressure from his colleagues.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and frustration to defiance and determination, keeping the audience emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals crucial information about the characters' motivations and conflicts, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, sharp dialogue, and escalating conflicts that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and confrontations that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, enhancing the readability and flow of the dialogue and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense corporate thriller, with escalating conflicts and revelations driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The dialogue in the scene feels a bit rushed and lacks depth in character interactions. There is a lot of information being thrown at the audience without much emotional depth or nuance.
  • The conflict between Dean and the other characters, especially Silverberg and Blake, could be more subtly portrayed. The confrontations feel forced and lack a natural flow.
  • The scene lacks subtlety in revealing the accusations against Dean. The accusations are presented in a very direct and confrontational manner, which could be more effectively conveyed through subtle hints and implications.
  • The character motivations and reactions seem a bit one-dimensional. There is a lack of complexity in the way the characters respond to the accusations and conflicts presented in the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling and descriptive elements to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to create a more layered and realistic interaction between the characters.
  • Try to build up the tension and conflict gradually, rather than presenting it in a direct and confrontational manner.
  • Explore the characters' internal struggles and conflicting emotions to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
  • Introduce more visual elements and descriptive details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Consider pacing the revelations and conflicts in a way that allows for more emotional impact and character development.



Scene 16 -  Confrontation at Home
INT. DEAN'S HOUSE/FOYER - EVENING

DEAN enters.

DEAN
(calling)
Stacy!

JENNY, early 30's, heads him off--

JENNY
Robert--

DEAN
Where's Stacy?

JENNY
She doesn't want to talk to you.

DEAN
(beat)
What are you talking--

JENNY
She can't talk to you right now.

DEAN
(beat)
Why?

JENNY
Because she's reading the newspaper,
you asshole.

DEAN pushes past her and heads to the back patio--

EXT. BACK PATIO - CONTINUOUS

STACY stares blankly, eyes red. A copy of The Post is
beside her. A picture of DEAN and RACHEL, arm in arm,
accompanies a headline.

DEAN walks in--

DEAN
Stacy?

STACY
How could you let me find out like
this?

DEAN
Stacy, I found out like this. This
is the first I'm hearing of--

STACY
Robert--

DEAN
It's not true.

STACY
(reading)
"Sources revealed an FBI
investigation into a possible money
laundering scheme that may have
sent millions of dollars--

DEAN
I've seen it.

STACY
(reading)
"At the center of the investigation
are well-known Washington-area
attorneys Robert Dean and Rachel
Banks."

DEAN
Yeah...look--

STACY whips the paper at him--

STACY
You swore!

DEAN
I have lunch with Rachel once a
month. She's my connection to an
investigator.

STACY
I told you I didn't want you seeing
her.

DEAN
I know.

STACY
You had an affair with this woman,
Robert, we went to a fucking
counselor for a year.

DEAN
I see her for business.

STACY
You told me you weren't seeing her
at all.

DEAN
I didn't want you to be upset. I
shouldn't have lied. Stacy, there's
nothing between me and Rachel Banks.

STACY grabs another paper and shoves it across the
table. DEAN picks it up.

DEAN'S POV: A black and white surveillance photo of
DEAN and RACHEL on a hotel balcony.
STACY (O.S.)
The date stamp on the picture is
last month. Is that where you and
Rachel conduct business.

DEAN
(shaking his head)
It's not real...
(to STACY)
That's not me.

STACY
Oh, please--

DEAN
It's not a real picture, Stacy,
it's been doctored-up.

STACY
I think you should leave now, Robert.

DEAN
Stacy--

STACY
Leave this house.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Dean arrives home and confronts Stacy about a newspaper article alleging his involvement in a money laundering scheme with his colleague, Rachel Banks. Stacy is angry and upset, and she does not believe Dean's denials. Dean tries to defend himself, but Stacy asks him to leave the house.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict between characters
  • Revealing character dynamics and vulnerabilities
  • Intriguing use of surveillance photos as evidence
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the confrontation between Dean and Stacy, revealing deep-seated issues in their relationship. The use of incriminating evidence and denial adds complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of trust, betrayal, and deception is central to the scene, as Dean and Stacy grapple with the fallout of the allegations against Dean. The use of surveillance photos as evidence adds a layer of intrigue and uncertainty.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dean and Stacy confront the allegations against Dean, leading to a breakdown in their relationship. The revelation of the surveillance photos adds a new layer of conflict and tension to the narrative.

Originality: 7

The scene presents a familiar situation of relationship conflict and infidelity but adds a twist with the element of possible deception and manipulation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves deep into the characters of Dean and Stacy, revealing their vulnerabilities, insecurities, and the breakdown of their relationship. Their emotional turmoil and conflicting perspectives drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dean and Stacy undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, as they confront the allegations against Dean and the breakdown of their relationship. Their trust, communication, and perceptions of each other are deeply affected.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to explain and defend himself against accusations of infidelity and deception. This reflects his deeper need for understanding and trust from his partner, Stacy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Stacy of his innocence and salvage their relationship. This reflects the immediate challenge of repairing the trust and communication between them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Dean and Stacy confront the allegations of infidelity and unethical behavior, leading to a breakdown in their relationship. The use of surveillance photos adds a layer of mystery and tension to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with clear obstacles and challenges for the protagonist to overcome in order to achieve his goals. The audience is kept on edge about the outcome of the conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Dean and Stacy confront the allegations of infidelity and unethical behavior, leading to a breakdown in their relationship. The use of surveillance photos adds a sense of urgency and mystery to the situation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the deep-seated issues in Dean and Stacy's relationship, the allegations against Dean, and the breakdown of trust between them. The use of surveillance photos adds a new layer of intrigue to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the accusations and revelations, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of the characters' relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between honesty and deception, trust and betrayal. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of honesty and fidelity in a relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, as Dean and Stacy confront the allegations against Dean, leading to a breakdown in their relationship. The emotional turmoil, betrayal, and vulnerability of the characters evoke strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and confrontational, reflecting the escalating conflict between Dean and Stacy. The exchanges reveal their inner turmoil, doubts, and the breakdown of trust in their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, intense dialogue exchanges, and dramatic reveals that keep the audience invested in the conflict and resolution.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually through dialogue exchanges and dramatic reveals, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy confrontation scene, with clear character cues and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation in a domestic setting, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Dean and Stacy as they confront the allegations in the newspaper.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Stacy feels authentic and emotional, capturing the betrayal and hurt that Stacy feels.
  • The use of the surveillance photo adds a layer of intrigue and suspicion to the scene, heightening the drama.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of emotions and revelations.
  • The scene effectively sets up the conflict between Dean and Stacy, as well as Dean's struggle to prove his innocence.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Dean to further explore his guilt or innocence.
  • Provide more context or backstory to Rachel and Dean's relationship to deepen the audience's understanding of their dynamic.
  • Explore different ways to visually represent the tension and conflict, such as through staging or blocking.
  • Consider adding a moment of resolution or closure at the end of the scene to leave the audience with a sense of completion.
  • Work on enhancing the subtext in the dialogue to add layers of meaning and depth to the characters' interactions.



Scene 17 -  A Night of Trouble
EXT. HYATT HOTEL - NIGHT

Establishing. Downtown Washington, D.C.

INT. REGISTRATION DESK - CONTINUOUS

A busy night. DEAN stands at the registration desk
facing a DESK CLERK.

DESK CLERK
(returning card)
I'm sorry, sir, this card's been
declined.

DEAN
It's a brand new card.

DESK CLERK
Maybe it's not connected yet.

DEAN
(handing him another)
Here, you can use this.

The CLERK runs it through. Same result.

DESK CLERK
I'm sorry.
He returns the card, embarrassed for Dean. DEAN turns
to leave...

...and stops dead. He stares at the empty floor by a
pillar.

DEAN
My suitcase--

DESK CLERK
Sir?

DEAN
My suitcase is gone.

DEAN walks quickly around the area, looking at
everything and everyone.

DESK CLERK
I'm sure we can locate it for you, sir.

DEAN
Don't count on it.

EXT. BANK MACHINE - NIGHT

DEAN stands at the ATM, waiting for cash. There's a
short line of PEOPLE behind him. His bank card spits
out. The monitor reads:

Temporarily Unable to Process
this Transaction

DEAN
(pounding the machine)
God Dammit!

The waiting PEOPLE back away...

EXT. CHEAP MOTEL - NIGHT

A weathered sign reads:

All Rooms $39.95

An O.S. TV DRONES the latest AT&T COMMERCIAL--

TV ANNOUNCER
(soft and seductive)
Have you ever tucked your kid in
from a phone booth? You will--

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON AN OLD COLOR TV. The COMMERCIAL ENDS. A
NEWSCASTER returns to deliver the late-night news.
NEWSCASTER
(on TV)
In Richmond today, Senate Majority
Leader Sam Albert paid a visit to
promote the ten-billion dollar
Anti-Terror Bill.

The newscast cuts to SAM ALBERT, late 60's, standing on
State Capitol Building steps delivering a speech to
community leaders.

SENATOR ALBERT
(on TV)
America is under assault, and this
time it's from within. The gangs,
the terrorists, the drug lords, the
cults...

PULLING AWAY from the TV, we explore the room. Dimly
lit and cluttered with tired furniture.

SENATOR ALBERT (CONT'D)
(on TV)
It's a war like any other war. A
war with victims and a war that
requires courage and strength.

Outside the window, a BUZZING NEON SIGN flickers red
and blue. We finally end on DEAN, sitting on a sagging
bed, rubbing his eyes...the newspaper with the
doctored-up photo is sitting next to him.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Dean arrives at a hotel but his credit cards are declined and his suitcase is missing. He tries to withdraw cash but his bank card is rejected. Forced to stay in a cheap motel, he watches the news about an Anti-Terror Bill speech.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Introducing new obstacles
  • Creating a sense of urgency
Weaknesses
  • Lack of standout dialogue
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces new obstacles for the protagonist, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a character facing unexpected challenges and setbacks in a high-stakes environment is well-executed, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dean encounters obstacles and struggles to navigate a series of escalating problems, setting the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a series of unexpected events that challenge the protagonist's resilience and resourcefulness. The dialogue feels authentic, and the setting adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Dean, are faced with new challenges that reveal more about their personalities and motivations, adding complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

Dean faces new challenges and setbacks that force him to adapt and make difficult decisions, hinting at potential character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to deal with the escalating challenges he faces, such as his card being declined, losing his suitcase, and the ATM not working. These obstacles reflect his frustration and helplessness in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to resolve the immediate problems he encounters, such as finding his missing suitcase and getting cash from the ATM. These goals are directly related to the obstacles he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts for Dean, from the disappearance of his suitcase to the mounting pressure of the FBI investigation, creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles preventing the protagonist from achieving his goals. The escalating challenges create suspense and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through Dean's mounting challenges, the FBI investigation, and the political intrigue surrounding the Anti-Terror Bill, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles, conflicts, and mysteries that propel the narrative towards its next major developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected challenges for the protagonist, such as his card being declined and his suitcase going missing. The audience is left wondering how he will overcome these obstacles.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's belief in his ability to control his circumstances and the reality of external forces beyond his control. This challenges his worldview and resilience in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits feelings of tension, anxiety, and uncertainty, but lacks deeply emotional moments or character revelations.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional, serving to move the plot forward and convey necessary information, but lacks standout moments or memorable lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a series of escalating obstacles for the protagonist, keeping the audience invested in his journey. The tension and stakes are high, drawing the viewer into the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between different locations. The pacing keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes and the escalating conflicts in the previous scenes.
  • The dialogue between Dean and the desk clerk feels mundane and does not add much to the overall narrative or character development.
  • The sudden disappearance of Dean's suitcase and his reaction to it could be more impactful if there was a stronger build-up or foreshadowing.
  • The transition from the hotel to the ATM scene feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The TV news report about Senator Albert's speech seems disconnected from Dean's immediate concerns and could be better integrated into the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more suspense and tension to the scene to align with the escalating conflicts in the script.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dean and the desk clerk to reveal more about Dean's character or hint at upcoming plot developments.
  • Build up the mystery of the missing suitcase by introducing subtle clues or hints earlier in the script.
  • Improve the transition between different locations to maintain a seamless flow of the narrative.
  • Integrate the TV news report about Senator Albert more effectively into Dean's current situation to create a stronger connection between the two.



Scene 18 -  Seeking Answers and Confronting Suspicions
EXT. BUILDING - DAY

Establishing. Italian area of Baltimore. A 40's era
box-building. A sign reads:

Italian/American Legion - Members Only

INT. ITALIAN/AMERICAN LEGION - CONTINUOUS

Thread-bare chairs and a couch. SAL and FRANKIE, both
meaty guys in shiny shirts, sit facing DEAN, who stands
before them.

SAL
I'm sorry. I'm not sure I understand.
You wanna fuckin' what?

DEAN
I'd like to speak to someone about
what's happening to me.

FRANKIE
(to SAL)
What'd this guy say his name was?
SAL
This is Bobby Dean, the Jew lawyer
who squeezed DePinto.

DEAN
Actually, that's not true.

SAL
You didn't squeeze DePinto?

DEAN
No, I meant I'm Presbyterian.

SAL
Oh.

DEAN
My wife's Jewish. But that probably
doesn't matter right now.

FRANKIE
What is it you want?

DEAN
Someone's trying to destroy my life,
and I'd like to find out who.

SAL
And then what?

DEAN
I'll see if I can, you know, work
things out.

FRANKIE
Well we'd sure like to help you.

DEAN
You would?

FRANKIE
Yes. But we can't.

DEAN
Why not?

FRANKIE
Because we, and our associates,
have paid out hundreds of thousands
of dollars to shyster lawyers like
you, because of shyster lawyers
like you, and we'd just as soon sit
back and sip a beer while you get
ass-banged by as many people as
possible.

EXT. STATELY OLD BUILDING - DAY
Establishing. A sign reads:

The Audobon Society - National Headuarters

WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
He shot wildlife footage--

INT. AUDOBON HEADQUARTERS/EDITING BAY - CONTINUOUS

MEG BURTON sits near an editing machine as two EDITORS
review endless amounts of bird footage. DEAN sits next
to her.

DEAN
I know, but--

MEG
Wildlife footage, for God's sake. I
don't see how he could've slipped
you something that the FBI would be
interested in.

DEAN
That's my point.

MEG
What's your point.

DEAN
Well, I need to find out as much
about Daniel as possible.

MEG
Why?

DEAN
Because my life is being ruined.

MEG
Daniel's life is already ruined.
Maybe if you guys stopped thinking
about yourselves for a change and--

EXT. THE GANG-PLANK BAR - DAY

Establishing. The Baltimore water front. A crusty bar
overlooking the bay.

INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS

Sunlight slashes blinds revealing a place that is wrong
during the day. JIMMY, a beefy bartender, takes stock
of the liquor while RACHEL sits in a dark booth.

DEAN (O.S.)
Rachel?
RACHEL looks up...

RACHEL
Good. You're just what I need right
now.

DEAN
You got a minute?

RACHEL
(getting up)
It's really not a good idea for me
to be seen with you.

DEAN
Who's doing this?

RACHEL
I gotta go.

DEAN
(blocking the door)
Will you hang on just a second.

JERRY
Rachel? There a problem?

She looks at DEAN for a moment...

RACHEL
No. No problem.
(to DEAN)
Outside.

EXT. HARBOR CENTER - DAY

CLOSE ON a SURVEILLANCE CAMERA on a pole, sweeping,
making automatic lens corrections.

RACHEL (O.S.)
There's a lot of people asking
questions about you and me.

We drift down to the harbor walkway, a greenbelt with
quaint hotels and bars on one side, Chesapeake Bay on
the other. DEAN and RACHEL are strolling the walk.

DEAN
I know.

RACHEL
The IRS contacted me this morning.
They say my lifestyle and receipts
exceed my income.

DEAN
You being audited?

RACHEL
For the last four years.

DEAN
My firm'll represent you. Free of
charge.

RACHEL
You don't work there anymore, Bobby.

DEAN
That's temporary.

RACHEL
Bullshit.

DEAN
Rachel--

RACHEL
We're screwed.

DEAN
I'm gonna fix it.

RACHEL
How?

DEAN
Tell me about Brill.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Dean seeks assistance from Sal and Frankie at the Italian/American Legion. He meets Meg at the Audobon Society to discuss Daniel's situation. Finally, Dean confronts Rachel at a bar, questioning her about the suspicious inquiries surrounding them. The scene concludes with Dean inquiring about Brill, leaving an air of uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Slight predictability in certain character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension, keeps the audience engaged with the mystery, and showcases the protagonist's determination to fight back against the forces working against him.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a lawyer facing a complex conspiracy that threatens his life and reputation is intriguing and well-executed, drawing the audience into the protagonist's struggle.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist uncovers more clues and faces escalating threats, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic mystery genre, blending elements of suspense, drama, and intrigue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and contribute to the tension and conflict in the scene, especially the protagonist's interactions with various individuals who may hold key information.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist undergoes a shift from confusion to determination as he confronts the challenges ahead, setting the stage for potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out who is trying to destroy his life. This reflects his deeper need for security and stability, as well as his fear of losing control over his own life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about Daniel and his involvement in the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in trying to uncover the truth and protect himself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the protagonist faces mounting obstacles and adversaries in his quest for justice.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas driving the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist fights to clear his name, protect his reputation, and uncover the truth behind the conspiracy that threatens his life and livelihood.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue, the shifting alliances between characters, and the mysterious motivations driving their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between self-preservation and loyalty. Dean is focused on protecting himself and finding out who is trying to ruin his life, while others like Rachel are more concerned with the consequences of their actions on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, drawing the audience into the protagonist's emotional turmoil and the high stakes of his situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character motivations and advancing the plot through confrontations and revelations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, tense interactions, and mysterious atmosphere. The conflicts and stakes are clearly established, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of action lines and descriptions enhances the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue exchanges. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between three different locations quite abruptly, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Sal/Frankie feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in conveying the tension and stakes of the situation.
  • The conversation between Dean and Meg at the Audobon Society feels a bit disjointed and could benefit from more clarity in their motivations and intentions.
  • The interaction between Rachel and Dean at the bar lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with their relationship dynamics.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of direction for the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene by focusing on one central location and developing the interactions between the characters more cohesively.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and nuanced to convey the tension and complexity of the characters' relationships.
  • Provide more context and background information to help the audience understand the characters' motivations and actions.
  • Consider adding more subtext and depth to the interactions to create a more engaging and emotionally resonant scene.
  • Ensure the scene has a clear purpose and resolution to drive the story forward and keep the audience invested.



Scene 19 -  The Search for Brill
INT. A ROOM - CONTINUOUS

A TECHNICIAN eyes a recorder spin as a monitor shows a
live feed from the park.

RACHEL (O.S.)
(through headphones)
I can't.

DEAN
(through headphones)
You have to.

RACHEL
(through headphones)
I've never met him?

DEAN
(through headphones)
Goddammit, Rachel, you assured me--

EXT. THE PARK - CONTINUOUS

DEAN and RACHEL on their stroll--
RACHEL
Fuck you. When you needed
information, I got it. You didn't
care how.

DEAN
I did care how.

RACHEL
This conversation's over.

DEAN
What're you gonna do, Rachel? You
gonna sit in a bar in Baltimore?
You want your job back? You want a
life?

RACHEL
I don't have a life, Bobby. I'm in
love with a married man.

DEAN
I'm sorry about that.

RACHEL
What makes you think it's you?

DEAN
It's not me?

RACHEL
You're a moron, you know that?

DEAN
Yeah.

DEAN smiles...and after a moment, so does RACHEL.

RACHEL
When I need to reach Brill, I chalk
the mailbox on 14th and Main.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

RACHEL is walking to the mailbox. She casually slashes
the box with chalk and drops a letter inside.

RACHEL (V.O.)
When he sees the mark, he knows
there's a drop. The location's
always the same.

EXT. BALTIMORE PORT - DAY

Establishing. Wharves, ships, seagulls. A water-bus
chugs dockside as PASSENGERS board for the trip across
the inlet. DEAN stands in a ticket line with the other
PASSENGERS.

RACHEL (V.O.)
The number twelve ferry to Glen
Burnie. Tuesdays or Fridays.

INT. FERRY - DAY

DEAN takes a seat. Across the deck is Seat 74. RACHEL
takes the seat and casually slides an envelope behind
it, her actions obscured by a bag she carries. The
ferry BLOWS its departure horn.

RACHEL (V.O.)
The drop's behind Seat 74. I leave
something, he picks it up later.

The ferry churns water. RACHEL moves to a wind
protected seat, leaving Seat 74 empty. DEAN keeps watch
on the seat as he scans the paper.

DEAN (V.O.)
Any idea what he looks like?

RACHEL (V.O.)
My guess is male, somewhere in his
40's or 50's.

A MONTAGE of different people occupying Seat 74.

A middle-aged DRUNK passed out in the seat. A TEEN-AGED
boy with glasses chats with friends.

RACHEL (V.O.)
Race, height, weight, you're on
your own.

An OLD LADY reads a book. She sees DEAN eyeing her and
smiles nervously. DEAN returns to his paper.

RACHEL (V.O.)
Now I don't know how he's gonna
feel about someone tracking him
down. He's reclusive. I'm sure he
has his reasons.

DEAN's alone now. The ferry docks for the night. The
last passengers, TWO NUNS, disembark. DEAN rises to go.
Brill's a no-show.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a park, Dean urges Rachel to reveal information about Brill, leading to an argument. Rachel eventually discloses that she communicates with Brill by marking a mailbox with chalk and leaving drops on a ferry. Dean follows Rachel's instructions but fails to find Brill on the ferry, ending the scene in disappointment.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the drop concept could be further developed for clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, with strong dialogue and character dynamics. The tension and emotional depth elevate the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of secret communication and drops adds intrigue and suspense to the scene. It showcases the characters' complex relationship and the risks they are willing to take.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Dean seeks information and confronts Rachel about their situation. The scene sets up further conflict and reveals more about the characters' motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy genre, focusing on the personal and emotional stakes of espionage rather than just the action and intrigue. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dean and Rachel, are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic. Their emotional struggles and conflicting motivations drive the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dean and Rachel undergo emotional changes in the scene, revealing more about their characters and setting up potential arcs for growth or downfall.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her complicated emotions and relationships, particularly her feelings for a married man and her own sense of identity and purpose. This reflects her deeper needs for love, belonging, and self-discovery.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make a covert drop for a mysterious figure named Brill, using a specific method of communication. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in maintaining her role in the espionage world and fulfilling her obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters' conflicting emotions and motivations create tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will resolve their differences and overcome the obstacles in their way.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dean and Rachel, as their secrets and hidden agendas could have serious consequences for their lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts. It advances the plot in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the hidden agendas at play, and the unexpected twists in the plot. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between loyalty and self-preservation. The protagonist must balance her loyalty to her employer and the mission with her own desires and moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant, as the characters grapple with trust, love, and betrayal. The scene evokes empathy and keeps the audience emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in and keep them invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Dean and Rachel feels a bit forced and lacks depth in emotional connection and character development.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering the high stakes and conflicts established in the previous scenes.
  • The transition between the indoor and outdoor settings could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional complexities of Rachel being in love with a married man and how it impacts her relationship with Dean.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and layers to the dialogue between Dean and Rachel to reveal their true emotions and motivations.
  • Introduce more suspense and tension by emphasizing the risks and consequences of their actions in relation to Brill and the NSA.
  • Work on seamless transitions between different locations to maintain the momentum of the scene.
  • Explore the emotional depth of Rachel's confession about being in love with a married man to add complexity to her character.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.



Scene 20 -  Fatal Encounter and Pursuit
INT. FERRY TERMINAL - NIGHT

DEAN walks down the ramp. It's dark in the empty
terminal. Not the best place at this hour. Up ahead,
TWO MEN stand in the darkness, then kissing. Down
another hall, SOUNDS OF NEARING FOOTSTEPS. DEAN detours
into--

INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Empty. DEAN stands at a sink, water running. He glances
at the door. He splashes water on his face. Suddenly--

--DEAN's slammed forward, a silenced pistol is shoved
into his ear, pinning his face to the mirror.

DEAN
Jesus! What?! You want money?!

MAN
Shut the fuck up.

Hands frisk DEAN. Up and down the legs, behind the back
and chest. A wallet is removed, ID's looked at - then
returned. DEAN turns to see--

A MAN, early 50's. He sweeps a signal frequency locator
over DEAN's body. The needle reacts at DEAN's foot.

MAN
(gesturing)
Your shoe.

DEAN
My shoe?

MAN
Gimme the shoe.

DEAN complies with the strange request as the MAN flips
out a knife.

DEAN
Brill?

"BRILL"
Brill's dead. He died of small pox
when he was two and he was buried
in a Kansas field.
(prying away DEAN's heel)
My name doesn't matter.

CLOSE ON DEAN's HEEL - a hollow compartment reveals a
miniature tracking device. The MAN removes it, then
returns the shoe.

"BRILL" (CONT'D)
A tracker. Thousand yard range.
They're close.

The MAN reaches in a trash can, removes a potato-chip
bag, wraps it around the tracker and flushes it down
the toilet.
"BRILL" (CONT'D)
C'mon.

"BRILL" goes through the window. DEAN eyes the window,
not sure. He eyes the door. Same feeling.

EXT. LOADING DECK - MOMENT LATER

DEAN crawls through the window to a loading dock.
"BRILL" motions him to follow as he moves off into the
shadows.

The sounds of the window OPENING behind them, followed
by FOOTSTEPS. "BRILL" shoves Dean behind a dumpster and
removes his gun as two men run by. The STEPS FADE.
"BRILL" looks. They're gone.

EXT. FERRY TERMINAL - NIGHT

Establishing. A closed farmer's market by the terminal.
Several cars are parked. One's a cab. "BRILL" opens the
driver's door. DEAN grabs the front passenger door.

"BRILL"
No. In back like you're a customer.

INT. CAB - NIGHT

"BRILL" sits in the driver's seat, eyes flickering to
all views, as DEAN climbs in the back. "BRILL" flips on
the meter and guns into traffic.

"BRILL"
What happened?

DEAN
It started with the information you
gave me on DePinto. After we talked,
he agreed to resign. Next, a phony
detective asked me about Daniel
Zavitz. Then an investigator
questioned me about an extortion
scheme they claimed Zavitz was
behind. The FBI started looking
into mob connections. A doctored
picture in the paper. Overnight,
I'm ruined. Wife. job, bank
accounts, everything gone.

"BRILL" eyes the mirror. A BLACK CHEVY appears several
car lengths behind.

"BRILL"
DePinto's dead.

DEAN
Oh Jesus.

"BRILL"
They found him yesterday folded
neatly in a car trunk. What about
Zavitz?

"BRILL" starts to weave in and out of traffic. He looks
in the mirror - the Chevy's also weaving several cars
behind.

DEAN
I don't know anything about Zavitz.

"BRILL"
You said he was behind an extortion
scheme.

DEAN
They said he was behind an
extortion scheme.

"BRILL" whips the cab around a corner, accelerating.

"BRILL"
And you were the last one to talk
to him.

DEAN
Yes.

"BRILL"
What'd he say to you?

DEAN
Nothing.

"BRILL"
What'd he give to you?

DEAN
Nothing.

"BRILL"
Don't bullshit me, I can save your
life.

DEAN
I'm telling you, I--

The ride from hell gets worse as "BRILL" screeches
another turn. The car ahead stops and "BRILL" screeches
past on two wheels.

DEAN (CONT'D)
I just gave him my card.
"BRILL"
He didn't give you an address? He
didn't give you a phone number?

DEAN
Nothing. Two nights later I was
robbed. I'm pretty sure they were pros.

"BRILL" takes an impossible left into another alley.
The Chevy follows. "BRILL"'s good. The guy in the
Chevy's better.

DEAN (CONT'D)
Um...who's that?

"BRILL"
Don't know. Did you check everywhere?
Maybe it was hidden in something.
Maybe there was someone else--

DEAN
Someone else?

"BRILL"
Maybe you bumped into someone who
took it and you didn't even know.

The cab is rear-ended hard by the Chevy. Their necks
snap back from the force.

"BRILL" (CONT'D)
Shit!

WHAM! They're hit again. "BRILL" pulls out a communicator.

"BRILL" (CONT'D)
209 to anyone! I need some help here!

DEAN
Who are you calling?!

WHACK! "BRILL" back-hands DEAN with his fist, knocking
him silly as WHAM!--the cab's rear-ended again.

"BRILL"
(trying again)
This is 209! Does anyone copy?!

Then "BRILL" sees that the alley empties into a busy
street, then a bakery shop.

He slams the brakes. Tires screech smoke but it's no
use. The powerful Chevy pushes the cab, bumper to
bumper, toward the street. "BRILL" grips the wheel.
It's all he can do as the cab rockets into cross
traffic and--
BLAM! They're broad-sided by a delivery truck. The cab
is shoved sideways along the street and into a fire-
hydrant, finally stopping under jetting water from the
broken main.

DEAN slowly opens his eyes. Water pours in everywhere.
"BRILL" is sticking halfway through a window, not
moving. Seeing "BRILL"'s pistol, DEAN grabs it and
crawls from the wreckage.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense confrontation at a ferry terminal, Dean encounters strangers who lead him into a violent encounter. A mysterious man named Brill rescues Dean but interrogates him about a corruption scandal. Their escape in a cab leads to a high-speed chase and a fatal crash, with Brill dying in the collision. Dean narrowly escapes with Brill's gun, leaving the identity of his pursuers unknown.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Mystery and suspense elements
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a fast-paced and suspenseful narrative that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The introduction of the tracking device and the intense chase sequence elevate the tension and excitement.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a man being pursued by unknown assailants and uncovering a tracking device adds a layer of mystery and intrigue to the scene. The high-stakes nature of the chase and the unexpected twists keep the audience engaged.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that build tension and suspense. The introduction of the tracking device and the subsequent chase sequence propel the story forward and keep the audience invested in Dean's predicament.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre, with unique technological elements and a high-stakes situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Dean and Brill, are well-defined and their actions and motivations drive the narrative forward. Dean's desperation and confusion, contrasted with Brill's mysterious and enigmatic nature, add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a significant change in this scene, as he is forced to confront the reality of his situation and the dangers he faces. His interactions with Brill and the events that unfold challenge his beliefs and perceptions.

Internal Goal: 8

Dean's internal goal in this scene is to survive and escape the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and protection.

External Goal: 7.5

Dean's external goal is to evade the unknown assailants who are tracking him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to stay one step ahead of his pursuers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with Dean facing physical danger from unknown assailants, as well as the emotional turmoil of being betrayed and hunted. The stakes are high, adding to the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dean facing multiple threats and challenges that keep the audience guessing. The unknown assailants and the high-tech tracking device create a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, as Dean is pursued by dangerous individuals and faces the threat of capture or worse. The intense chase and confrontation raise the stakes even further, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward at a rapid pace, introducing new challenges and obstacles for Dean to overcome. The revelations about the tracking device and the pursuit by unknown assailants add complexity to the narrative and set the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the constant twists and turns in the plot, the unexpected actions of the characters, and the high level of tension and suspense. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and survival. Dean must navigate a situation where he is unsure who to trust and must make split-second decisions to protect himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and suspense in the audience, as they are drawn into Dean's desperate situation and the looming threats he faces. The emotional impact is heightened by the fast-paced action and high-stakes chase.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and danger of the situation. The exchanges between Dean and Brill reveal important information and heighten the suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful dialogue. The audience is drawn into the danger and uncertainty of the situation, keeping them invested in Dean's fate.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a sense of urgency and tension driving the action forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building suspense and engaging the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear build-up of tension, escalating stakes, and a dramatic climax. The pacing and structure contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, which is engaging for the audience. However, the transition from the ferry terminal to the men's room feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Dean and 'Brill' is intense and reveals important information about Dean's situation. However, some of the dialogue exchanges feel a bit forced and could be more natural to enhance the authenticity of the conversation.
  • The action sequences involving the chase and the collision are well-described and create a sense of urgency. However, the pacing of the scene could be improved by balancing the action with more character development or emotional depth.
  • The character of 'Brill' is intriguing, but his motivations and background could be further explored to add depth to the scene and enhance the audience's understanding of his role in Dean's story.
  • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next. This is a good way to keep the audience engaged, but the resolution of the conflict could be more satisfying to provide closure to this part of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between different locations to ensure a seamless flow of the scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue exchanges more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Balance the action sequences with moments of character development or emotional depth to create a more well-rounded scene.
  • Explore 'Brill's' character further to provide more context and depth to his interactions with Dean.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict in the scene while still leaving room for future developments in the story.



Scene 21 -  Escape and Warning
EXT. STREET - NIGHT

DEAN climbs from the wreck as BYSTANDERS approach.

WOMAN
Look out! He's got a gun!

They back away as DEAN gets to his feet and looks
around. Off to the side he sees the Chevy, waiting like
a coiled snake.

DEAN limps into the crowd. He rounds the corner to
ANOTHER STREET and now he's running with all he's got left.

INT. DEAN'S HOUSE/STUDY - NIGHT

STACY is at the desk looking at the latest edition of
the paper, which now has a photograph of DEAN and
RACHEL walking in the park from the day before.

The phone rings and STACY reaches for it...

STACY
(into phone)
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

DEAN stands at a pay phone--

DEAN
(into phone)
Stacy, don't hang up.

STACY
Do you know what I'm looking at Robert?

DEAN
Stacy--

STACY
I'm looking at a picture of you and
Rachel taken yesterday.

DEAN
I know, but listen--

STACY
Was that doctored-up, too?

DEAN
No, I was with her yesterday. I
want you to take Eric and go to our
parents house. I want you to do it
right now.

STACY
I went to the grocery store. My ATM
and credit cards didn't work. I
couldn't buy food.

DEAN
I know.

STACY
I went to the bank to see why. They
said you emptied our accounts--

DEAN
It wasn't me.

STACY
This is science-fiction Robert! The
manager showed me the transfer
notice with your signature on it.

DEAN
Stacy, somebody's trying to kill me.
Now goddamit--

STACY
My father's put me in touch with an
attorney. He'll be--

A hand suddenly clicks down the phone hook. DEAN turns
to see a MAN, late 50's, gruff and alert. It's the guy
driving the Chevy.

MAN
Put the phone down. Do as I say.

DEAN does nothing, temporarily frozen. A pistol jabs
him hard.

DEAN
Alright, alright--

DEAN replaces the phone. The man removes DEAN's gun.
Nearby, two PEOPLE chat at a restaurant hostess desk,
unaware.

MAN
Move to the elevators.

DEAN does but is suddenly redirected through a roof-
access door.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Dean escapes a car crash and calls Stacy, warning her of danger. Stacy confronts him about empty bank accounts but is interrupted by a man who forces Dean to leave.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable chase sequence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the high-stakes situation and the unknown threats Dean is facing.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a man being hunted down by mysterious individuals while trying to protect his family is compelling and drives the intensity of the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Dean's life is put in danger, and the mystery surrounding the attacks on him deepens, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'wrongfully accused' trope, adding layers of deception and intrigue to the protagonist's predicament. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dean's character is developed further as he is forced to confront the danger head-on, showcasing his determination and resourcefulness in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a significant change as he is forced to confront the reality of the threats against him and take action to protect his family, showcasing his resilience and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince his wife of his innocence and protect his family from harm. This reflects his deeper need for trust and understanding, as well as his fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade capture and stay alive. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being framed for a crime and pursued by unknown assailants.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Dean being pursued by armed individuals, creating a sense of imminent danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and adversaries that challenge his goals and beliefs. The audience is left uncertain about how he will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as Dean's life is in immediate danger, and the safety of his family is at risk, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the danger Dean is facing and deepening the mystery surrounding the attacks on him, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience guessing about the protagonist's fate and the true motives of the other characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between truth and deception. The protagonist's belief in his innocence clashes with the evidence against him, challenging his values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and tension in the audience, as they are invested in Dean's safety and the outcome of the dangerous situation he is in.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and danger of the situation Dean finds himself in.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional conflict. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's struggle and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. It follows the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear progression of events and escalating tension. The intercutting between locations adds to the sense of urgency and danger.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the transition between Dean climbing out of the wreck and being approached by bystanders mistaking him for having a gun. This abrupt shift can be confusing for the audience and disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of the Chevy waiting nearby as a potential threat is intriguing, but the connection between this setup and the subsequent interaction with the bystanders and Dean's escape is not clearly established.
  • The dialogue between Stacy and Dean over the phone feels rushed and lacks emotional depth considering the gravity of the situation. There is an opportunity to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics and the impact of the unfolding events on their family.
  • The sudden appearance of the man in the hotel lobby, who seems to be orchestrating Dean's movements, feels contrived and lacks sufficient build-up or explanation. This character's introduction could benefit from more context and development to enhance the tension and stakes of the scene.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Dean being directed through a roof-access door, but the transition to this moment feels abrupt and leaves the audience hanging without a clear sense of resolution or direction.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a smoother transition between key moments and enhance the overall coherence of the narrative.
  • Provide more context and development for the characters and their motivations, particularly the man in the hotel lobby, to create a more engaging and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Focus on building tension and emotional depth in the dialogue between Stacy and Dean to convey the gravity of their situation and strengthen the audience's connection to the characters.
  • Clarify the connection between the various elements introduced in the scene, such as the Chevy, the man in the hotel lobby, and Dean's escape, to create a more cohesive and impactful sequence of events.
  • Consider revisiting the ending of the scene to ensure a satisfying conclusion or cliffhanger that propels the story forward and leaves the audience eager for the next development.



Scene 22 -  Pursuit and Confrontation
INT. VAN - NIGHT

A TECHNICIAN sits in a van jammed with high-tech
surveillance gear. HICKS is next to him, a phone
pressed to his ear.

HICKS
We just picked up his call.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

REYNOLDS, dressed in a tux, presses his cellular to his
ear, while behind him MARSHAL and SHAFFER, also in
tuxedos, have a heated discussion.

REYNOLDS
(into phone)
30 minutes ago you said we had him.
What in hell's goin' on out there?

HICKS
(into phone)
He had help.

REYNOLDS
(into phone)
Help from whom?
(he hears the answer)
Christ.

EXT. HIGH-RISE ROOFTOP - NIGHT

Eight stories up and deserted. The lit dome of the
Capitol building shines like a beacon in the D.C. skyline.

DEAN suddenly slams against a wall--

DEAN
Hey!

MAN
Forget me, forget what I did for
you. Don't ever mention my name or
try to contact me again. Get it?

DEAN
I don't know you, I don't know your
name, I don't know what the hell
you did for me except hang up on my
wife and slam me into a wall, but
I'm getting pretty fuckin' sick of
this! Get it?!

MAN
Seat 74.

DEAN
(pause)
You're Brill.

BRILL
You knew the deal. No contact.

DEAN
Who was that other guy?

BRILL
One of many people who would live a
word with you.

DEAN
Who are they?

BRILL
You've heard of the National Security
Agency?

DEAN
What do they have to do with this?

BRILL
That's who they are.

DEAN
The NSA?

BRILL
Yes.

DEAN
You're crazy.

BRILL
(starting to leave)
Okay.

DEAN
Wait.

BRILL
You drive a black BMW, license
plate SRK1339?

DEAN
Yeah.

BRILL
(reaching in his pocket)
I clipped this from your wheel well
just before they towed your car away.

BRILL pulls out a disk-shaped object the size of a
walk-man.

DEAN
What is that?

BRILL
It's a SAT-tracker.

DEAN
I don't know what that means.

BRILL
Like a LowJack, but two generations
ahead of what the police use. It
pulses at 230 Giga-Hertz.

DEAN
I don't know what that means.

BRILL
230 Giga-Hertz. They use that band
for the Aquacade Spy-SAT uplinks.

DEAN
I don't know what that means.

BRILL
It means the NSA can read the time
off your wristwatch.

DEAN
Why are they after me?

BRILL
If I knew, they'd be after me.
Which they probably are right now.
'Bye.

DEAN
Wait. What do I do?

BRILL
Pal, you're cooked. It's over. What
you did, who you were...that's done.
I'd find a quiet job somewhere
shoveling snow.

A helicopter hovers near the Washington Monument. BRILL
eyes it cautiously.

DEAN
Why don't they just identify
themselves and tell me what they want?

BRILL
They're spooks.

DEAN
I don't know what that--

BRILL
Exposure. They can't have it. They
wanna learn what you know and then
deal with it.

DEAN
I don't know anything.

BRILL
No shit.

DEAN
What am I gonna do?! I mean, like,
for the rest of my life?!

BRILL
Hey, if you live another week I'll
be impressed.

DEAN
What if--

BRILL
Look, you gave me some work over
the last year. We'll call it even.

BRILL turns to leave--

DEAN
(blocking the exit door)
What if I find out what they're
after. You know these people, I don't.

BRILL
And you won't. Now move--

DEAN
I'll pay you.

BRILL
(taking out his pistol)
They froze your accounts. Get outa
my way.

DEAN continues blocking the door, maintaining calm even
as BRILL's pistol is pressed firmly to his forehead.

DEAN
I've got a hundred-thousand dollars
in jewelry in a safe-deposit box
under a third party name.

BRILL looks at the ground. Torn.

DEAN (CONT'D)
How many years have you been hiding
from them? How many years have you
been running?
(beat)
What'd they do to you?

BRILL
(pause)
If you find something, chalk the
Baltimore Sheraton mailbox and go
to Temperanceville. It's South of
Salisbury.
(giving DEAN his pistol)
And take this.

And with that, he's gone.

DEAN eyes the gun. He walks to the ledge, looking at
the city.

DEAN'S POV: Several vehicles quietly pull up to the
building. MEN storm out an move inside.

DEAN quickly backs away.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Hicks informs Reynolds of their target's location with accomplices, while Dean encounters Brill, a mysterious man alerting him to NSA pursuit and offering assistance if Dean uncovers their motive. Brill threatens Dean with a gun but later provides a weapon and instructions after Dean mentions hidden money. Despite Brill's warning to forget him, Dean confronts Brill on his actions. As Dean retreats from a ledge overlooking approaching vehicles, he faces the looming danger of NSA surveillance.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Revealing character interactions
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic or confusing for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, mystery, and action. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced dialogue and revelations about the NSA's pursuit of Dean.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of government surveillance, espionage, and hidden agendas is well-executed in this scene. It introduces the audience to the complex web of intrigue surrounding Dean and sets up further conflict and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as Dean learns more about the forces at play against him, adding layers of complexity and danger to his situation. The scene advances the storyline significantly and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre by focusing on the personal consequences of being targeted by a powerful organization like the NSA. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dean and Brill are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interaction reveals more about their backgrounds and the challenges they face, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a subtle shift in perspective as he learns more about the forces aligned against him. His worldview is challenged, and he must adapt to the new information to survive the escalating threats.

Internal Goal: 9

Dean's internal goal is to understand why he is being pursued by the NSA and to figure out how to protect himself from their threats. This reflects his fear of the unknown and desire for self-preservation.

External Goal: 8

Dean's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the NSA's pursuit of him and to potentially find a way to outsmart them. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with Dean facing off against Brill and the looming threat of the NSA. The tension is high, and the stakes are raised as Dean navigates a dangerous and uncertain situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Dean faces off against a mysterious figure representing the NSA who poses a significant threat to his safety and freedom. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their confrontation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with Dean's life in danger and the shadow of government surveillance looming over him. The risks are significant, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward at a rapid pace, introducing new conflicts, revelations, and obstacles for Dean to overcome. It sets the stage for future developments and keeps the audience engaged in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and revelations that keep the audience guessing about Dean's fate and the true motives of the NSA. The tension is heightened by the unexpected actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of power and control, as the NSA represents a powerful entity seeking to manipulate and control Dean's life. This challenges Dean's beliefs about freedom and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to curiosity and intrigue. The audience is emotionally invested in Dean's plight and the unfolding mystery surrounding the NSA's pursuit.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and filled with tension, driving the scene forward and revealing crucial information about the characters and their predicaments. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, cryptic dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into Dean's predicament and eager to uncover the truth behind the NSA's pursuit.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to maintain tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and confrontations that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the urgency of Dean's predicament.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted in a clear and concise manner, with effective use of scene headings and intercutting to enhance the storytelling. It follows the expected format for a screenplay in the thriller genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and reveals crucial information in a strategic manner. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of tension and mystery, which is engaging for the audience. However, the dialogue between Dean and Brill becomes a bit convoluted with technical jargon that may be hard for the audience to follow.
  • There are moments where the pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, especially towards the end when Brill abruptly leaves after providing Dean with crucial information.
  • The transition from the rooftop confrontation to the conversation between Dean and Brill feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from smoother pacing and transitions.
  • The emotional depth of the characters could be further explored to make the scene more impactful and engaging for the audience.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are lacking, which could enhance the atmosphere and setting of the rooftop encounter and subsequent conversation.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the technical dialogue to make it more accessible to the audience without losing the essence of the information being conveyed.
  • Consider adding more pauses and moments of reflection for the characters to allow the audience to digest the information and emotional weight of the scene.
  • Work on smoother transitions between the rooftop confrontation and the conversation between Dean and Brill to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Focus on developing the emotional dynamics between Dean and Brill to create a more compelling and relatable interaction for the audience.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the rooftop encounter and subsequent conversation.



Scene 23 -  Escape from the Hunters
INT. BUILDING CORRIDOR - NIGHT

DEAN races for the stairwell two steps at a time. He
hears the SOUND of a DOOR OPENING somewhere below.

VOICE (O.S.)
303 to 301. Floor one secured.
Moving to two.

DEAN retreats upward, then he hears SOMEONE COMING DOWN.
Trapped. He opens the door on '3' and is about to run
when he sees a security camera directly above.

Grabbing a fire extinguisher, he pulls the pin. Spray
coats the lens. Then he yanks a FIRE ALARM. A HORN BLARES.

DEAN runs for the second stairwell when he sees JONES
stepping out. DEAN looks back at the stairwell he left.
That door's opening as well.

Trapped.

Using the extinguisher, DEAN smashes the glass door to
an office and goes inside. JONES starts to enter when a
shot rips into the wall, convincing him otherwise. He
retreats as the BLARING FIRE ALARM STOPS.
DEAN races through the suite of offices trying locked
door after locked door. Finally, one opens and he
rushes in and tries to lock it behind himself.

No lock.

He sees the MEN and they see him. He slides a desk
against the door, then backs away, pistol ready.

JONES (O.S.)
(disturbingly calm)
Open the door, Mr. Dean. There's
nowhere to go. We'd just like to talk.

Seeing a phone, DEAN grabs it.

No tone. Just a RECORDING of Nancy Sinatra's song
"These Boots are Made for Walking".

JONES (O.S.)
It'd be easier for all of us if you
just come out. Nothing'll happen.

DEAN heaves a coffee table up on the desk.

JONES (O.S.)
It's quite hopeless what you're
doing, Mr. Dean.

DEAN
I swear to God I'll shoot.

JONES (O.S.)
(chuckling)
I think you might be over-reacting
there, Mr. Dean. We just want to talk.

DEAN
Go ahead. I hear you fine.

The door pushes in--

DEAN (CONT'D)
I said I'll shoot!

The door keeps pushing.

DEAN FIRES high.

The pushing stops.

Then DEAN hears the distant sound of SIRENS approaching.
DEAN rips off his sweater, takes out a lighter, and
sets the sweater on fire.

He throws it into a garbage can and tosses styrofoam
cups in on top of it.

The pushing starts again, but before DEAN can fire, a
small cylindrical device drops into the room.

A STUN GRENADE.

DEAN ducks as a BLINDING FLASH rocks the room.

The window is blown open. Smoke billows out. DEAN,
temporarily blinded and deaf, struggles to a ledge as
fire engines arrive.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action"]

Summary Dean races against time to evade security forces and a confrontation with Jones. Using his wits and a fire extinguisher, he creates diversions and disables security measures. Despite a tense standoff and a stun grenade, Dean's desperate attempt to set fire to his sweater proves successful, allowing him to escape through an open window as fire engines descend upon the scene.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Clever use of improvised weapons
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some cliched elements in the escape sequence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and suspense. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with the fast-paced escape sequence and the clever tactics used by Dean to evade capture.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a desperate escape from pursuers in a confined space is executed well, with creative use of improvised weapons and strategic thinking by the protagonist.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Dean tries to escape from his pursuers, adding to the overall tension and raising the stakes for the character.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique and intense situation with high stakes, original character actions, and unexpected plot developments. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the realism of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dean's resourcefulness and determination shine through in this scene, showcasing his ability to think on his feet and outsmart his adversaries.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a transformation from a hunted individual to a resourceful escape artist, showcasing his ability to adapt and survive in dire circumstances.

Internal Goal: 9

Dean's internal goal is to survive and escape the armed men pursuing him. This reflects his fear of being caught or harmed, as well as his desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 8

Dean's external goal is to evade capture and outsmart the armed men chasing him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the danger he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Dean facing imminent capture by his pursuers and using all his wits to outmaneuver them.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dean facing multiple obstacles and challenges that test his abilities and resolve. The armed men provide a formidable threat that adds to the intensity of the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Dean's life is in danger, and the outcome of his escape attempt will have significant consequences for the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by putting Dean in a life-threatening situation and forcing him to use his skills to evade capture, setting up further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists, character actions, and escalating tension. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Dean's instinct for self-preservation and the armed men's desire to capture him. Dean's actions to protect himself clash with the armed men's attempts to apprehend him, highlighting a clash of values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and a sense of urgency in the audience, as they root for Dean to escape from his dangerous situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation, with Dean's threats and Jones' calm demeanor adding to the suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the intense situation and invested in Dean's struggle to escape.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the story moving forward and maintains the tension and suspense. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions of the setting, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, effectively building tension and suspense as the action unfolds. The sequence of events is clear and engaging, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Dean races up the stairwell to escape security forces, creating a sense of urgency and danger.
  • The use of security cameras, fire alarms, and the fire extinguisher adds layers to the scene, enhancing the visual and auditory elements of the chase.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Jones is engaging, with Jones maintaining a disturbingly calm demeanor that contrasts with Dean's escalating desperation.
  • The introduction of a stun grenade adds a dramatic twist to the scene, increasing the stakes for Dean and creating a sense of chaos and danger.
  • The use of sirens approaching and the arrival of fire engines heighten the sense of imminent danger and create a dynamic backdrop for the action.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physical descriptions and sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
  • Explore deeper into Dean's emotions and thoughts during the chase to provide insight into his character and motivations.
  • Ensure the pacing remains consistent throughout the scene to maintain the tension and suspense for the audience.
  • Consider incorporating more strategic elements or unexpected twists to keep the audience engaged and guessing about Dean's next moves.
  • Clarify the spatial layout of the building and the movements of the characters to ensure a clear and coherent visual representation of the action.



Scene 24 -  Dean's Daring Escape
INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

Fire trucks, police cars and an ambulance arrive
beneath DEAN as HICKS watches from his van.

HICKS
I don't fuckin' believe this!
(into radio-mic)
301 to all units. Everyone out! Now!
We'll take him at the hospital.

INT. AMBULANCE - NIGHT

DEAN sits in back with a PARA-MEDIC, covered in soot,
breathing hard through an oxygen mask as the ambulance
WAILS and weaves through traffic. He looks through the
rear window to see--

TWO CARS FOLLOWING, keeping pace. Off to the side, RFK
Stadium is emptying, a Redskins game is over.

DEAN rips off the oxygen mask--

DEAN
Tell him to stop the ambulance.

PARAMEDIC
Whoa there, fella. Just take it easy.

DEAN
Tell him to stop the ambulance.

PARAMEDIC
Now you're a little shaken up, but
we're gonna get you on your feet in--

DEAN whips out his pistol and shoves it in the
PARAMEDIC's face--

PARAMEDIC (CONT'D)
(to the driver)
--stop the ambulance.

DEAN
Thank you.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The ambulance pulls over and the back doors fly open.
DEAN leaps out into the crowd.

The OTHER CARS pull over and PRATT and JONES exit. They
scan the area and see DEAN descending a stairwell
marked: METRO.

INT. METRO STATION PLATFORM - NIGHT

DEAN stands at the end of the crowded platform. PRATT
and JONES work through the CROWD as the train pulls in.
DEAN slides on board. The departure HORN sounds. JONES
and PRATT step on.

INT. METRO - NIGHT

DEAN huddles in the back car, panic-breathing, as PRATT
and JONES move through the cars searching for faces.

DEAN looks for an out. He sees an emergency stop handle.

He YANKS it forward. PASSENGERS yell. The brakes lock
and SCREECH. The train slows. Then stops.

DEAN opens the door.

And jumps. He looks around. Just black curved track in
either direction. He starts running.

Then he hears it.

The horrible SCREECHING of an approaching train.

Trapped.

On one side, the train he left. On the other, a wall.

He runs down the track with all that's left.

PRATT and JONES reach the open door and see the
oncoming train bearing down on DEAN. They duck in as
the train SWISHES by.

DEAN lays flat between the tracks, his face kissing
greasy ground as the train screeches over him.

Tons of angry steel are teasing his shirt fabric.

Then it's over. The train's gone. DEAN's alive.

He gets up to see PRATT and JONES leap to the tracks.

DEAN
(under his breath)
I hate these guys.

Then he sees an "EMERGENCY ACCESS" sign beaming in the
darkness. A God-send. DEAN runs for it.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dean, pursued by the police, makes a daring escape from a warehouse fire. He jumps from an ambulance, boards a metro train, and evades the police by leaping onto the tracks. He narrowly avoids being hit by an oncoming train and disappears into an 'Emergency Access' area.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes tension
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development in supporting roles

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, action, and a sense of urgency that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The fast-paced nature of the sequence and the high stakes involved contribute to its high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a desperate escape from relentless pursuers is executed effectively, drawing the audience into Dean's intense situation and showcasing his resourcefulness in evading capture.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Dean's desperate escape adds a new layer of complexity to the story. It raises the stakes for the protagonist and sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to a classic chase sequence, incorporating elements of danger, suspense, and moral conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dean's character is showcased through his quick thinking, determination, and ability to adapt to challenging circumstances. The scene also highlights the relentless pursuit of the antagonists, Pratt and Jones, adding depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a significant change in this scene as he is forced to confront his own mortality and rely on his instincts to survive. The experience of being hunted and cornered pushes Dean to adapt and evolve as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from his pursuers and avoid capture. This reflects his fear of being caught and his desire for freedom.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the people chasing him and find a way to escape. This goal is directly related to the immediate circumstances of being pursued and the danger he is in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multifaceted, with Dean pitted against powerful adversaries who are determined to capture him. The high-stakes chase and escape sequence heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and threats that raise the stakes and create suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with Dean's life on the line as he evades capture by government agents. The intense pursuit and life-threatening situation create a sense of urgency and danger that drives the action forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward at a rapid pace, introducing new obstacles and challenges for Dean to overcome. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot and raises the stakes for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's escape plan, keeping the audience guessing about his next move.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between survival and morality. He is forced to make decisions that go against his usual values in order to escape, such as threatening the paramedic with a gun.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a strong emotional response from the audience, evoking feelings of fear, suspense, and empathy for Dean as he fights for survival. The high-stakes nature of the situation adds to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. Dean's actions speak louder than words, adding to the intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise action lines and effective use of dialogue to drive the narrative forward.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes chase sequence, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a dramatic resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense action and suspense, which keeps the audience engaged.
  • The use of various settings such as the van, ambulance, street, metro station, and metro train adds visual interest and dynamic movement to the scene.
  • The tension is effectively built up through Dean's desperate actions to escape his pursuers, creating a sense of urgency and danger.
  • The visual descriptions of Dean's actions, such as ripping off the oxygen mask, pulling out a pistol, and jumping from the ambulance, are vivid and impactful.
  • The scene effectively conveys Dean's determination to evade capture and the lengths he is willing to go to in order to escape.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or dialogue to provide insight into Dean's thoughts and emotions during the intense moments.
  • Ensure the pacing remains consistent throughout the scene to maintain the tension and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
  • Explore ways to further develop the characters of Pratt and Jones to add depth to the conflict and enhance the cat-and-mouse chase dynamic.
  • Consider incorporating sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene, such as describing the sounds and smells of the metro station and train.
  • Continue to escalate the stakes and raise the level of danger to keep the audience invested in Dean's plight.



Scene 25 -  Framed and Betrayed
EXT. METRO EMERGENCY ACCESS EXIT - NIGHT

PRATT and JONES fly out the door and into a park.

It's empty. Quiet.

No Dean anywhere.

REYNOLDS (V.O.)
I'm confused about something. Maybe
you can help me out.

EXT. TERRACE - CONTINUOUS

The Lincoln Memorial is seen in the distance. REYNOLDS
has broken off PARTY GUESTS and paces in his tux, an
encrypted cellular phone pressed to his ear.

REYNOLDS (CONT'D)
I sit on top of the greatest
intelligence gathering organization
in human history. Why can't I bring
in a man whose name is in the
fucking phonebook?!

HICKS
He's clever. He had help.

REYNOLDS
He's clever? He had help?
(beat)
Oh.

HICKS
Sir--

REYNOLDS
No, no, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were hoping to be transferred
to a weathership outside Greenland.

HICKS
I just meant--

REYNOLDS
I don't care if he's Solomon with
Saint Joseph sitting in his lap. I
want the tape and I want him. Now is--

A WAITER with a tray steps out onto the terrace...
REYNOLDS (CONT'D)
(to the WAITER)
Yes?

WAITER
Puffed cheese?

REYNOLDS
No thank you.

WAITER
I also have tiny pizzas and
mushrooms stuffed with--

REYNOLDS
Do I look like I want a tiny pizza?

WAITER
No.

REYNOLDS
Then let's assume I don't.

WAITER
Yes sir.

The WAITER goes back inside.

REYNOLDS
(into phone)
Now is that clear?

WAITER
Yes sir.

REYNOLDS disconnects, breathes deeply, and goes back to
the party.

EXT. RACHEL'S CONDO BUILDING - NIGHT

DEAN watches from the shadows. It seems quiet. He's
about to move for the entrance when he sees--

A cigarette lighter flame-up inside a parked car. TWO
MEN sit inside, watching. DEAN retreats into the shadows.

EXT. RACHEL'S CONDO - BACK ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Quiet. DEAN listens through the door and hears nothing.
He KNOCKS softly.

No reply.

He tries the doorknob. It opens.

INT. RACHEL'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
DEAN enters. The place is still.

DEAN
Rachel?

No answer. DEAN drifts through the living room. A lamp
is knocked over on the floor. DEAN keeps moving into
the bedroom. He stops in the doorway - eyes fixed inside.

DEAN'S POV: RACHEL lies on her stomach, naked in bed.

DEAN
(approaching)
Rachel?

She doesn't respond. He touches her.

Nothing.

He turns her over. Her face is frozen, eyes open, neck
purpled and bruised with signs of strangulation.

DEAN
Oh God--

DEAN wants to throw up but holds it down.

Then, under a night table, he sees a shirt. He grabs it.

DEAN'S POV: An oxford button-down. The inside collar is
stamped with a dry-cleaner's marker reading: R. DEAN.

Panic overtakes horror as DEAN quickly searches for
anything else of his that may have been planted inside
the apartment.

Under the bed - a cufflink.

In the bathroom - a hairbrush.

On the desk - documents with his name on them.

DEAN shoves everything into a garbage bag. Grabbing a
towel, he retraces his steps, wiping his prints from
everything he touched.

Exiting, he wipes off the doorknob as--

A NEIGHBORS DOOR OPENS. A COUPLE stumbles out, laughing,
kissing...and noticing DEAN leaving Rachel's condo.

INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT

JERRY walks alone through the large underground garage
on the way to his car. He pauses, thinking he's heard
something.
Nothing.

He continues walking. He reaches his car. Suddenly
someone comes up behind him fast. JERRY spins--

--it's DEAN.

DEAN
(whispering)
Jerry--

JERRY
Christ!

DEAN
Ssh!

JERRY
Bobby--

DEAN
It's the NSA. They're the ones
doing this.

JERRY
Bobby--

DEAN
The NSA's doing this 'cause they
think I have something. And they
killed--

JERRY
Calm down.

DEAN
They killed Rachel.

JERRY
(pause)
Rachel's dead?

DEAN
Yes.

JERRY
Jesus.

DEAN
My stuff's all over her apartment.

JERRY
Bobby--

DEAN
They're framing me.
JERRY
Why would they--

DEAN
I don't know. I mean--

JERRY
Why would the NSA--

DEAN
I don't know!

JERRY
You're tired.

DEAN
Jerry--

JERRY
Listen to me.

DEAN
You gotta--

JERRY
No, listen to me. You gotta let me
bring you in.

DEAN
No, I--

JERRY
You gotta let me bring you in to
the police.

DEAN
I won't make it to the police. They
won't let me get there. You go.

JERRY
To the cops?

DEAN
To the NSA. Make a deal. Tell 'em
to stop. Tell 'em I don't have what
they're after. Make a deal.

JERRY
Bobby, you're in way over your head.

DEAN
Go to 'em, Jerry.

JERRY
I have a family.

DEAN
So do I!

JERRY looks at the ground for a long moment...

JERRY
I'm sorry, man.

DEAN
No. No, it's okay.

DEAN starts to leave...

JERRY
Bobby? Piece of advice?

DEAN
Yeah?

JERRY
Turn yourself in.

DEAN
Jerry?

JERRY
Yeah?

DEAN
Go fuck yourself.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary **Dean and Jones** escape the metro station into an empty park, where **Dean** spots **Reynolds** on the phone, suspecting a frame against him. He discovers **Rachel's** body and incriminating evidence in her apartment. **Dean** confronts **Jerry** to seek help, but he refuses. **Dean** flees, leaving **Jerry** furious.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is a pivotal moment in the story, with high stakes, emotional impact, and significant character development. The tension and suspense are expertly crafted, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Dean being framed for murder by the NSA adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the story. The scene effectively conveys the sense of danger and betrayal that Dean is facing.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with Dean discovering Rachel's body and realizing he is being framed. The scene sets up further conflict and raises the stakes for Dean.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the espionage thriller genre, with a focus on personal stakes and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dean, are well-developed in this scene. Dean's emotional journey, from shock and horror to desperation and determination, is compelling and adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 8

Dean undergoes significant emotional and psychological changes in this scene, from disbelief and horror to determination and resolve. The discovery of Rachel's body and the realization that he is being framed for her murder mark a turning point in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to clear his name and prove his innocence in the face of being framed for a crime he didn't commit. This reflects his desire for justice and to protect himself and his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by the NSA and uncover the truth behind the framing and murder of his friend. This reflects the immediate danger and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with Dean facing threats from the NSA, the police, and unknown assailants. The stakes are high, and the tension is palpable.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing obstacles from both external forces like the NSA and internal conflicts like his own sense of guilt and fear.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with Dean's life and freedom on the line. The danger he faces from the NSA and other unknown threats raises the tension and suspense to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with new revelations, conflicts, and developments that propel the narrative towards its climax. Dean's discovery of Rachel's body and the framing plotline add complexity and intrigue to the overall story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's sense of justice and the corrupt actions of the NSA. It challenges his beliefs in the system and the morality of those in power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with Dean experiencing shock, fear, and desperation as he navigates the dangerous situation he finds himself in. The discovery of Rachel's body adds a layer of tragedy and sadness to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, effectively conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters. The exchanges between Dean and Jerry reveal the tension and conflict in their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear build-up of tension and conflict leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of urgency and mystery, with Pratt and Jones searching for Dean in a park, creating a tense atmosphere.
  • Reynolds' frustration and disbelief at not being able to capture Dean despite being part of a powerful intelligence organization adds depth to his character and the overall plot.
  • The interaction between Reynolds and Hicks at the terrace provides insight into Reynolds' character and his determination to capture Dean.
  • The dialogue between Reynolds and the waiter adds a touch of humor and contrasts with the serious tone of the scene, but it may slightly disrupt the flow of the intense moment.
  • The discovery of Rachel's body in her condo adds a shocking and emotional element to the scene, raising the stakes for Dean and increasing the tension.
  • Dean's frantic search for any planted evidence in Rachel's apartment showcases his desperation and fear of being framed by the NSA.
  • The encounter between Dean and Jerry in the underground parking garage highlights Dean's paranoia and Jerry's reluctance to get involved in the dangerous situation.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Jerry reveals the conflict between Dean's desire to clear his name and Jerry's concern for his own safety and family.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and sets up a crucial turning point in the story, with Dean facing betrayal and the threat of being framed by the NSA.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue between Reynolds and the waiter to maintain the intensity of the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of Rachel's apartment to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the discovery of her body.
  • Explore deeper into Dean's emotional turmoil and internal conflict as he grapples with the betrayal and danger surrounding him.
  • Add more tension and suspense to the encounter between Dean and Jerry to heighten the stakes and emphasize the urgency of Dean's situation.
  • Consider incorporating more visual cues and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the unfolding events.



Scene 26 -  A Secret Revealed
EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING

Establishing. A quiet street in Dean's neighborhood.
Several REPORTERS are camped in Dean's driveway
entrance, sipping coffees. Farther down the street, a
JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE is parked. The driver waits and
watches.

EXT. BACKYARD - SAME TIME

DEAN sneaks between two large houses, ducking by
windows and scaling a fence. Somewhere a DOG BARKS a
warning as DEAN plows through a large hedge, entering
the backyard to his home.

INT. DEAN'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - SAME TIME

DEAN quietly unlocks the door and enters. He listens.

The house is quiet. Empty.

INT. DEAN'S FOYER - DAY

KEYS JINGLE in the front lock. The door opens and STACY
enters.

The TV suddenly REMOTES ON - VOLUME LOUD.
She turns as DEAN approaches fast--

STACY
Robert--

DEAN's hand cups her mouth as he pulls her into a
pantry closet.

INT. PANTRY CLOSET - CONTINUOUS

DEAN
(barely a whisper)
Listen to me. The house is bugged.
So we gotta be quiet, okay?

STACY nods understanding. DEAN slowly removes his hand.

DEAN (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Is Eric in school?

STACY
Yes.

DEAN
Has anyone been by? Police? FBI?

STACY
Just reporters.

DEAN
I wish you'd gone to your parents
like I asked you.

STACY
This is my house. Nobody's kicking
me out of my house. I picked those
drapes.

DEAN
I don't think anybody wants the
drapes, Stacy, I think the drapes
are okay.

STACY
What happened to your head?

DEAN
I was in a car chase and a small
explosion. Now listen to me: The
NSA is behind this. They think that
guy I told you about, Daniel Zavitz,
they think Zavitz gave me a tape or
computer chip of some kind that
could be damaging to them. So
they're doing all these things
electronically. The bank records,
the surveillance. They're the ones
who broke into the house. Now I
know there's no reason to believe
me. But I love you. And I love our
son. So just believe me anyway.
(pause)
Please.

STACY gently touches his forehead where he's been cut...

STACY
Does that hurt?

DEAN
Well...yeah.

STACY
Good.

DEAN
Stacy--

She grabs him and kisses him. The kiss lasts a good
long time before STACY smacks him on the arm--

STACY
I told you they could do this. I
told you they had this kind of
capability and that with this anti-
terrorism it would be just another--

DEAN
Stacy...Stacy...maybe now isn't the
best time for the I-Told-You-So speech.

She kisses him again.

STACY
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

DEAN
That's okay.

STACY
I opened the present you got me
from Harrison's.

DEAN
You opened the thing?

STACY
The lingerie.

DEAN
That was for Christmas.
STACY
I was missing you.

DEAN
You're as bad as Eric. I've got an
entire family of people who root
through--

It dawns on him...everything starts coming together...

DEAN (CONT'D)
...who root through...uh...presents,
and...

STACY
What is it?

DEAN
Oh Christ.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Dean, having snuck into his home, discovers Stacy. They hide as Dean discloses that the NSA is responsible for their ordeal. He pleads for Stacy's trust, and after a tender moment, she apologizes for her previous skepticism.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Revelation of crucial information
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, emotion, and a significant revelation that moves the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Dean revealing the truth to Stacy about the NSA's involvement is crucial to the plot and adds depth to the characters' relationship.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as Dean discloses important information to Stacy, leading to potential consequences and further developments in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre by focusing on the personal and emotional stakes of the protagonist's situation. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dean and Stacy show vulnerability, love, and determination in this scene, deepening their emotional connection and adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Both Dean and Stacy undergo emotional changes in this scene, deepening their bond and understanding of each other.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and convince his wife to believe him about the danger they are in. This reflects his deeper need for validation and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the authorities and uncover the truth behind the surveillance and break-ins at his house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dean's revelations and Stacy's initial disbelief creates tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing external threats and internal doubts that challenge his beliefs and actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dean reveals the truth to Stacy, potentially risking their safety and relationship amidst the ongoing chaos and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening character relationships, and setting up potential consequences.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's revelations and the shifting dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust and belief in the face of uncertainty and danger. The protagonist's wife's skepticism challenges his beliefs and forces him to confront his own doubts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Dean and Stacy navigate a moment of truth, vulnerability, and connection amidst the chaos and danger.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing crucial information and emotions between the characters in a tense and emotional moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and emotional stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and emotional beats that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a suspenseful thriller, building tension through a series of escalating events and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong sense of tension and urgency, which is effective in drawing the audience in. However, the transition from Dean sneaking into his house to the conversation with Stacy in the pantry closet feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from smoother pacing.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Stacy is heartfelt and emotional, effectively conveying the sense of urgency and desperation in Dean's situation. However, some of the dialogue exchanges could be tightened to enhance the overall impact of the scene.
  • The revelation of the NSA's involvement and Dean's plea for Stacy's belief are powerful moments that add depth to the characters and the story. This conflict adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.
  • The physical interaction between Dean and Stacy, such as the kiss and the gentle touch on Dean's forehead, adds a humanizing element to the scene and strengthens the emotional connection between the characters.
  • The realization by Dean about the lingerie gift and its significance in the context of the unfolding events is a clever way to tie in personal moments with the larger plot, adding depth and complexity to the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the pacing of the scene to ensure a smoother transition between the action of Dean sneaking into the house and the emotional conversation with Stacy.
  • Review and tighten the dialogue exchanges to enhance the impact of key moments and maintain the tension throughout the scene.
  • Continue to explore the emotional depth of the characters and their relationships, as this adds complexity and relatability to the story.
  • Utilize physical interactions between characters to convey emotions and strengthen the connection between them.
  • Look for opportunities to integrate personal moments, such as the lingerie gift, with the larger plot to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative.



Scene 27 -  The Getaway
INT. JEEP GRAND-CHEROKEE - DAY

The DRIVER continues to watch the area. Then--

DRIVER's POV: THE RANGE ROVER flies out of the driveway,
tires SCREECHING as it speeds through the quiet
neighborhood.

The REPORTERS stare at each other a beat--

--then leap for their cars.

DRIVER
(into sleeve-mic)
504 to 501. Rover's fleeing west on
Sutton. Driver appeared male!

JONES (O.S.)
(radio effect)
What's the wife's '20'?

DRIVER
She's off location with a friend.

JONES (O.S.)
Alright - move! 501 - all units.
Take him down!

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Unmarked cars of various descriptions rapidly appear
from nowhere giving chase.

ANOTHER AGENT (O.S.)
(radio effect)
502 to 501, I've got the eyeball.
He's approaching Ridgeview, we'll
take him at the intersection.

The RANGE ROVER speeds through the neighborhood.
Suddenly, two cars are out in front, blocking the way.
The Range Rover swerves and breaks as two more cars rip
up behind, boxing it in. An un-marked Trans-Am lags
behind, keeping reporters at bay.

Doors fling open. JONES and THREE MEN, all in plain
clothes, pistols and MAC-10 aimed at the Range Rover.

Nothing happens.

The MEN move closer--

JONES grabs the door and rips it open, revealing Dean's
PISS-FRIGHTENED NANNY behind the wheel in Dean's trench
coat and hat.

JONES YANKS her out, puts her hard to the ground, gun
jammed to her head, as other search the Range Rover for
Dean.

EXT. DEAN'S DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

DEAN drives the Nanny's rusted, low-rider Dodge out of
the driveway. He pauses and looks. The streets are empty.

He turns onto the street and calmly drives away.

EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY

Establishing. A playground jammed with kids. A kickball
game's in progress. ERIC waits his turn to kick. TRACY,
a college-age teaching assistant comes over.

TRACY
Eric?

ERIC looks up...

TRACY (CONT'D)
Your father's here.

EXT. SCHOOL BUILDING - DAY

DEAN stands at the edge of the playground in clean,
casual clothes. ERIC runs over, face glowing.

ERIC
Dad!

DEAN
Do I know you?

ERIC
Where've you been?
DEAN
Having an adventure. I can't tell
you about it right now, but I'll
tell you about it soon.

ERIC
Are you and mom getting a divorce?

DEAN
No. We're never getting a divorce.
We were having a fight. It happens
sometimes.

ERIC
Who won the fight?

DEAN
Men don't win fights with women,
son, I'll tell you about that
sometime, too. In the meantime,
I've got a question for you, and
it's incredibly important that you
tell me the truth. Under no
circumstances will I be angry with
you. This is a total Get-Out-Of-
Jail-Free card. Ready?

ERIC
Yeah.

DEAN
Did you take anything--anything at
all--out of those Christmas bags I
brought home last week.

ERIC hangs his head...busted...then shouts to a GROUP
OF KIDS on the playground...

ERIC
(shouting)
DYLAAAAN!!

DYLAN comes trotting over, carrying his backpack...

DYLAN
Hey, Mr. D., what's happenin'?

DEAN
Dylan, I was just asking Eric if--

DYLAN
Oh, God, I knew it was stupid, I
knew we'd get caught. But the
Gameboy was just sitting there.
Right on top of the bag. Yes. Yes.
We took the GameBoy out of the bag,
but with every intention of putting
it back.

DEAN
(pause)
You're a tough nut to crack, Dylan.

DYLAN hunts through the backpack as DEAN and ERIC looks
on. All kinds of junk flies out--candy, comics, game-
cartridges--

DYLAN
It was broken when we found it, I
swear. I tried fixing it for you. I
even put in new batteries.
(pulling out the GameBoy)
The screen scrambles whenever you
boot up. I'd try to get your money
back.

DEAN eyes the pieces of the GameBoy, knowing that
somewhere in the puzzle of plastic and chips is the key
to his problems.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary A Range Rover flees from a driveway, prompting a chase by the authorities. Dean, who is being pursued for unknown reasons, escapes in the nanny's car and meets his son Eric at an elementary school playground. Eric confesses to taking a GameBoy from Dean's Christmas bags, which Dean examines as it contains the key to his problems.
Strengths
  • Balancing action with emotion
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the chase scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, drama, and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Dean's character. The high-stakes chase adds tension, while the heartfelt interaction with Eric adds depth and emotional resonance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father trying to protect his son while being pursued by authorities is compelling and drives the scene forward. The juxtaposition of action and emotion creates a dynamic and engaging narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dean navigates the dangerous situation he finds himself in while also addressing personal matters with his son. The scene effectively balances the external conflict of the chase with the internal conflict of Dean's relationship with his family.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic chase sequence by incorporating personal family dynamics and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Dean and Eric, are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic. Dean's determination to protect his son and Eric's innocence and curiosity add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dean experiences a shift in his priorities as he prioritizes protecting his son over his own safety. This moment of vulnerability and honesty with Eric marks a significant change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and maintain a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos of the chase. He also wants to reconnect with his son and reassure him about the stability of their family.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by law enforcement and escape the situation without putting his family in danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both external (the chase by authorities) and internal (Dean's desire to protect his son). The tension is high as Dean tries to evade capture while also addressing personal issues with Eric.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with law enforcement agents providing a formidable obstacle for the protagonist to overcome. The uncertainty of the chase adds tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Dean is pursued by authorities and risks being caught, which would have serious consequences for him and his family. The urgency of the situation adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the conflict and deepening the emotional stakes for Dean. It sets the stage for further developments in Dean's journey and the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by blending action and family drama, creating tension and uncertainty about the protagonist's choices and their consequences.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's values of family and honesty versus the temptation to resort to dishonesty or criminal behavior to protect his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and tension during the chase to warmth and tenderness in Dean's interaction with Eric. The emotional depth adds layers to the narrative and engages the audience on a personal level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to deepen the relationship between Dean and Eric. The conversations feel genuine and help to reveal more about the characters' motivations and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines high-stakes action with emotional depth, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's journey and the outcome of the chase.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, balancing the fast-paced chase sequences with slower, more introspective moments that add depth and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving seamlessly between the action-packed chase and the intimate family interaction. The pacing and rhythm enhance the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of action and tension, which is engaging for the audience. However, the transition from the Driver's POV to Dean driving away in the nanny's car feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Eric at the school playground is heartfelt and adds depth to their relationship. However, some of the dialogue could be more natural and less expository.
  • The revelation about the GameBoy and the interaction between Dean, Eric, and Dylan adds a nice touch of humor and humanity to the scene, showing Dean's role as a father. This moment could be further developed to enhance the emotional connection with the characters.
  • The scene effectively sets up the mystery surrounding the GameBoy and its potential significance to Dean's problems. This creates intrigue and keeps the audience invested in the story.
  • Overall, the scene balances action, emotion, and mystery well, but could benefit from smoother transitions and more natural dialogue to enhance the storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the Driver's POV and Dean driving away to create a more seamless flow.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Dean and Eric more natural and less expository to enhance the authenticity of their interaction.
  • Explore further development of the GameBoy subplot to deepen the emotional connection with the characters and increase audience engagement.
  • Continue to build on the mystery surrounding the GameBoy and its significance to Dean's problems to maintain intrigue and suspense.
  • Focus on maintaining a balance between action, emotion, and mystery while ensuring smooth transitions and authentic dialogue throughout the scene.



Scene 28 -  A Tense Confrontation
EXT. BALTIMORE SHERATON - EVENING

PEDESTRIANS walk on the sidewalk. A MAN comes along and
drops a few letters in the corner mailbox.

From the other direction comes DEAN. Without stopping,
he casually slashes the mailbox with chalk.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

DEAN's asleep. There's a SOFT SHUFFLING SOUND. The
CAMERA EXPLORES for the source, moving by the windows,
flashing neon, a TV and finally, the door.

We PUSH CLOSER as a MULE TOOL snakes under the door.

The tool pops upright against the door's inside. The
strap drapes over the doorknob and tightens. The
doorknob turns and opens.

SOMEONE slips in--

CLOSE ON DEAN asleep. A HAND covers his mouth. DEAN's
eyes go wide.

Then he sees it's BRILL...

BRILL
(whispering)
Get dressed. We're leaving.

DEAN
(whispering)
You could knock on the door, you
know, and I'd open it.

BRILL
Move it.

EXT. CAPE CHARLES - 4 A.M.

Establishing. The 10-mile Chesapeake Bay Bridge crosses
the Bay like a serpent worming toward distant Norfolk.
Traffic is thin at this hour.

NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
Dean, the attorney recently under
investigation for a money laundering
scheme, was seen leaving Ms. Banks
apartment late last night.

We PUSH IN on a TOYOTA PICK-UP truck heading south.

INT. PICK-UP - CONTINUOUS

BRILL drives with DEAN riding shotgun.

NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
Police are seeking--

BRILL ejects as cassette from the dashboard and hands
it to DEAN.

BRILL
I taped it off the 11 o'clock news.

DEAN
And you were worried about me.
That's nice, I appreciate--

BRILL
I was worried about my hundred and
twenty 'K'.

DEAN
We said a hundred.

BRILL
The price rises with the temperature
and right now you're smokin'. But
you're right, you should shop
around and get the best price. I'll
just let you out here.

DEAN
(agreeing)
One-twenty.

BRILL checks the rear-view mirror.
BRILL's POV: Car headlights following in the distance.

BRILL
Did you call anyone?

DEAN
What do you mean?

BRILL
I mean did you call anyone.

DEAN
Look, my wife is understandably--

BRILL
Jesus!

DEAN
I called my wife!

BRILL
What'd I tell you?

DEAN
I didn't use my name.

BRILL
What'd I tell you?

DEAN
I called from a payphone!

BRILL
What'd I tell you?

DEAN
You told me no calls.

BRILL
I told you no calls.

BRILL does a bootleggers U-turn. Several cars pass by
in the opposite direction.

DEAN
Sorry.

BRILL
You don't get it. They go through
your phone records. They fuckin'
monitor everyone you called in the
last--

DEAN
I didn't use my name.

BRILL
Oh, I'll bet that threw 'em off the
scent. I sure hope you covered the
mouthpiece with a handkerchief and
used a funny voice!

BRILL turns off the headlights, does another U-turn,
pulls off on an emergency road and stops.

He turns off the engine, rolls down the window, looks
up into the night sky and listens.

BRILL's POV: A cloudy night. Silent except for the
water and a distant fog-horn. No sounds of aircraft.

DEAN
(looking up as well)
I don't hear anything.
(on BRILL's silence)
Maybe you're wrong.

BRILL is staring upward...

BRILL
A hundred and fifty.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Action"]

Summary In the dead of night, Dean's solitude in a Baltimore motel is shattered by Brill's unexpected arrival. Brill's curt demand to leave, delivered through a door opened swiftly with a mule tool, sets the tone for a tense exchange. As they drive, news reports of Dean's alleged involvement in money laundering cast a long shadow, prompting Brill to confront Dean about a forbidden phone call. Brill's suspicions heighten, leading to evasive maneuvers and a tense halt to listen for pursuing aircraft. Dean's professed ignorance fails to quell Brill's doubts, who demands an increase in payment for his silence.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • High-stakes action
  • Intriguing plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
  • Certain plot points may require suspension of disbelief

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, mystery, and action. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced and suspenseful narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes chase, surveillance, and betrayal is well-executed in the scene, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and compelling, with multiple layers of deception, surveillance, and pursuit driving the narrative forward. The scene advances the story significantly and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime thriller genre, with unique character dynamics and a focus on the protagonist's internal struggles. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dean and Brill are well-developed and add depth to the scene. Their interactions reveal their motivations, fears, and vulnerabilities, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dean and Brill undergo changes in the scene, as they confront their fears, make difficult choices, and reveal their true selves under pressure. Their interactions and decisions shape their character arcs and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the dangerous situation he finds himself in and protect himself from potential harm. His fear of being caught or harmed drives his actions and decisions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture and escape the authorities who are seeking him for his involvement in a money laundering scheme. His immediate challenge is to stay one step ahead and avoid being caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Dean and Brill facing imminent danger and betrayal. The tension between them and the external threat of being pursued by authorities create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles that threaten his safety and freedom. The audience is left wondering how he will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Dean and Brill facing life-threatening danger, betrayal, and deception. The outcome of their actions will have significant consequences for their lives and the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, revealing new information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It propels the narrative with its fast-paced action and suspenseful twists.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's situation. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral choices and the consequences of his actions. He must weigh the risks of his criminal activities against his desire to protect himself and his loved ones.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, fear, and determination. The characters' struggles and vulnerabilities resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and realistic, adding to the suspense and intensity of the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, intentions, and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's dilemma and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are concise and effective in setting the tone.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a buildup of tension and a clear progression of events. The pacing keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it jumps abruptly from a sidewalk to a motel room without a smooth transition.
  • The introduction of Brill entering the motel room feels rushed and lacks proper buildup or tension.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Brill feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction less engaging for the audience.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the atmosphere and setting, leaving the reader with a vague sense of the surroundings.
  • The conflict between Dean and Brill is not clearly defined or developed, making their dynamic less impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the sidewalk and motel room to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Build up the tension and suspense when Brill enters the motel room to create a more engaging and impactful moment.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Dean and Brill to make their interaction more authentic and compelling.
  • Include more visual descriptions and details to paint a vivid picture of the surroundings and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.
  • Clarify the conflict between Dean and Brill to create a more compelling dynamic and drive the scene forward.



Scene 29 -  NSA Surveillance Revelations
INT. NRO KEYHOLE-12 LAB - CONTINUOUS

Re-establishing. A massive, dark place filled with
glowing monitors.

CLOSE ON A MONITOR - displaying a live SAT feed showing
a thermograph image of Brill's truck. The color heat
image of BRILL looking upward is fairly clear. He pops
his head back into the truck and pulls onto the road.
The satellite continues tracking the truck.

BRILL (O.S.)
It's a consumated marriage.

INT. TOYOTA - NIGHT

BRILL drives along a high fence surrounding acres of
empty warehouses, docks and rust-bitten fences. He's
still on constant alert - looking for sign of their
presence.

BRILL (CONT'D)
The NSA's been in bed with the
entire tele-communications industry
since the 40's. They've infected
everything: Banks, computers,
phones, mail, name it.
(stopping the car near
the gate)
The more technology we buy into,
the easier it is keeping tabs on us.
It's a brave new world.
(handing DEAN the keys)
At least it better be.

DEAN
How do you know so much?

BRILL
None of your business.

DEAN
You used to work for 'em, didn't you?

BRILL
I was a traffic analyst.

DEAN gives him a look that says, "I don't know what
that means".

BRILL (CONT'D)
I intercepted phone calls.

DEAN
How'd you get around the tap orders?

BRILL
They can tap anything as along as
it's an airwave intercept.
Cellulars and pagers your kid can
do.
(driving through)
Hard-line calls we'd pick off the
relays as they were being fed into
ground cables or fired up to the
SATs. We'd suck in everything. All
foreign, most domestic.
(DEAN re-closes the gate)
Domestic was my group. Druggies,
radicals, loud-mouths. Anyone we
wanted.

DEAN
(climbing back in)
How'd you have the manpower to--

BRILL
(driving again)
Meade has 18 underground acres of
computers. They scan every
phonecall for target words like
"bomb" or "President". We red-flag
phone numbers or voice
prints...whatever we wanted. When
the computers found something, it
was bounced to comparative analysis.

DEAN
Jesus.
BRILL
That was twenty years ago. With
digital? They can suck a salt grain
off a beach.

DEAN
Why'd you leave?

BRILL
It was '72. I figured we had enough
problems without monitoring a
Berkeley kid's class schedule. So I
sold my story to Ramparts and split.

DEAN
They come after you?

BRILL
(shrugging it off)
Well...there'd be too much
disclosure to prosecute me. So they
ruined my records and made sure I'd
never hold a real job again.

The pick-up stops by a long two-story warehouse.

BRILL (CONT'D)
What do you think?

DEAN
Looks like Detroit.

BRILL
Welcome to Santa's Workshop.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary While driving past empty warehouses, Brill informs Dean about the NSA's extensive surveillance capabilities. He reveals his previous role as a traffic analyst intercepting phone calls for the NSA, leading to their arrival at a warehouse.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Suspenseful plot
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in characters
  • Minor character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and full of tension, with a strong focus on espionage and surveillance, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of surveillance, espionage, and the NSA's involvement is well-developed and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as Dean and Brill navigate through a web of deceit and surveillance, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on surveillance and privacy issues, offering a unique take on the consequences of technological advancements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Dean and Brill's characters are intriguing and add depth to the scene, but could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 6

Dean and Brill undergo minor changes as they navigate the dangerous world of surveillance, but their characters could be further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

Brill's internal goal is to maintain his secrecy and protect his past from being exposed. This reflects his fear of being prosecuted or losing his freedom due to his previous involvement with the NSA.

External Goal: 7

Brill's external goal is to navigate through the surveillance-heavy environment and reach his destination without being detected. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in evading potential threats.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Dean, Brill, and the NSA escalates, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by Brill's past with the NSA and the surveillance environment he navigates, creates a sense of conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Dean and Brill try to uncover the truth behind the surveillance and espionage, facing danger and betrayal at every turn.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the NSA's involvement and escalating the conflict between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable as Brill's past and the NSA's surveillance tactics are gradually revealed, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of privacy, surveillance, and individual freedom. Brill's discussion of the NSA's invasive tactics challenges Dean's beliefs about privacy and the extent of government control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of tension, fear, and suspicion, but could benefit from deeper emotional connections with the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to build tension and reveal crucial information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced dialogue, high-stakes situation, and thematic depth, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum throughout the dialogue and action sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations through dialogue and action sequences.


Critique
  • The scene provides important exposition about the NSA's surveillance capabilities and Brill's background, but the dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed and expository at times.
  • The conversation between Dean and Brill lacks subtlety and nuance, making it feel more like an information dump rather than a natural interaction between characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more organic dialogue that reveals information gradually and allows for more character development.
  • The transition between the NRO lab and the Toyota feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • While the scene conveys crucial information, it could be more engaging by incorporating more tension or conflict to keep the audience invested.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the dialogue to make it more natural and less expositional. Show, don't tell.
  • Introduce more conflict or tension between Dean and Brill to add depth to their interaction and keep the audience engaged.
  • Focus on character development through dialogue and actions to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to ensure a smooth transition between locations and maintain the momentum of the conversation.
  • Consider adding visual elements or actions to break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually interesting.



Scene 30 -  The Windowless Room
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

BRILL and DEAN enter the 2nd story of a large, empty
structure. DEAN is carrying a crumpled, brown paper bag.

In the center of the cavernous space, a windowless,
cinderblock room built on 5-foot supports.

BRILL
I call it the jar. No phone or
utility lines going in.

BRILL opens a side door revealing a mini-generator. He
pushes the start button. The generator HUMS to life.

BRILL
Self-contained. Unplugged from the
world.
(opening Jar door)
Nothing for a wire bug to piggy-
back in on. That leaves only
transmitters and signal sweep for
those.
(turning on the light)
Now let's see what we got.

DEAN tosses the paper bag to BRILL, who empties its
contents (the pieces of the GameBoy) on to the table.

EXT. DOCKS - DAWN

DEAN sits alone, smoking a cigarette, and watching
Norfolk rise from dawn's fog.

In the distance we see BRILL coming down from the
warehouse toward DEAN.

He stands behind DEAN for a moment before...

BRILL
That is one ugly sunrise.

DEAN
(pause)
It really is.
(pause)
Did you find anything?

BRILL
Yeah.
(beat)
Take a walk with me.

DEAN gets up and joins BRILL. The two of them start in
the direction of the second warehouse.

BRILL (CONT'D)
Remember when Senator Hamersley
died in an accident up near Shenandoah?

DEAN
Yeah.

BRILL
The NSA killed him.

DEAN
Jesus. Do you have proof?

BRILL
Well, actually, you have proof.
Could you walk a little faster please.

DEAN
What's going on?

BRILL
They're here.
DEAN
Who?

BRILL
Them.

DEAN
Where?

BRILL
Here?

DEAN
Here?!

BRILL
In the warehouse. They're hiding in
a duct on the third floor. When we
go back inside, they're gonna kill
us. When they notice that we're
moving toward the car, they'll come
running out of the building.

DEAN
'Kay, well, could you walk faster,
please.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Brill and Dean enter a secure windowless room in a warehouse. Brill examines pieces of a GameBoy that Dean gives him. Outside, Dean watches the sunrise. Brill returns and reveals that the NSA killed Senator Hamersley and is hiding in the warehouse, intending to kill them when they re-enter.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • High-stakes confrontation
  • Revelations about NSA involvement
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic or confusing for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong focus on suspense, tension, and mystery. The dialogue is well-crafted and keeps the audience on edge, while the setting adds to the overall atmosphere of fear and paranoia.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of NSA involvement, past events, and potential threats is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline. The use of the warehouse as a setting for the confrontation enhances the tension and suspense of the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with revelations about NSA involvement, past events, and potential threats. The confrontation between Dean and Brill adds layers to the storyline and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the thriller genre by combining elements of conspiracy, danger, and hidden agendas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dean and Brill are well-developed in this scene, with their interactions revealing their motivations, fears, and suspicions. The dynamic between them adds depth to the storyline and keeps the audience invested in their fates.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dean and Brill undergo changes in this scene, as they confront each other in a high-stakes situation. Dean's suspicions are confirmed, while Brill's motives and past actions are revealed, leading to a shift in their dynamic and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind Senator Hamersley's death and the presence of hidden individuals in the warehouse. This reflects his desire for justice and his fear of being targeted by powerful forces.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive and escape the dangerous situation in the warehouse. This reflects the immediate challenge of evading potential attackers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is intense and high-stakes, as Dean and Brill confront each other in a secluded warehouse. The threat of NSA involvement and potential danger adds to the tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing hidden threats and the risk of being killed by unknown individuals.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Dean and Brill confront each other in a secluded warehouse, with the threat of NSA involvement and potential danger looming over them. The intense and suspenseful atmosphere adds to the high stakes, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, with revelations about NSA involvement, past events, and potential threats. The confrontation between Dean and Brill adds depth to the storyline and sets the stage for future developments, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden revelation of hidden individuals in the warehouse and the protagonist's realization of imminent danger.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in uncovering the truth and seeking justice, contrasting with the hidden individuals' desire to maintain secrecy and potentially harm the protagonist.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, paranoia, and suspense, creating an emotional impact on the audience. The high-stakes confrontation between Dean and Brill, along with the revelations about NSA involvement, adds depth to the storyline and keeps the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, tense, and mysterious, adding to the overall suspense and tension. The exchanges between Dean and Brill reveal crucial information about NSA involvement and potential threats, keeping the audience on edge.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, tense dialogue, and the revelation of hidden threats.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense, maintaining tension, and leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a thriller genre, with a buildup of tension, revelation of danger, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation. The dialogue between Brill and Dean feels somewhat casual and lacks the intensity needed for a scene where they are being hunted by the NSA.
  • The transition from Brill revealing the NSA's involvement in Senator Hamersley's death to the realization that they are being pursued by the NSA feels abrupt and could be smoother to build suspense effectively.
  • The visual description of the warehouse and the jar room could be more vivid to create a sense of claustrophobia and danger in the setting.
  • The emotional depth of the characters in this high-stakes moment could be further explored to make the audience more invested in their plight.
  • The dialogue could be more impactful and reveal deeper layers of the characters' motivations and fears in the face of imminent danger.
Suggestions
  • Intensify the dialogue between Brill and Dean to reflect the imminent threat they are facing and the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the tension and suspense in the warehouse setting, such as dim lighting, eerie sounds, or a sense of isolation.
  • Explore the emotional turmoil of the characters as they confront the reality of being hunted by the NSA, adding depth to their interactions and reactions.
  • Build up the suspense gradually from Brill's revelation about Senator Hamersley's death to the realization that they are in immediate danger, creating a more seamless transition between these plot points.
  • Consider adding moments of physical action or heightened stakes to keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats throughout the scene.



Scene 31 -  Confrontation in the Warehouse
INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

JONES and THREE MEN are huddled in a duct.

VOICE (O.S.)
(through radio)
They're heading to the car.

JONES
Move it.

JONES and the three men start down the corridor, guns
drawn.

EXT. THE SECOND WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

DEAN and BRILL are kneeling beside the Chevy, letting
the air out of the tires.

BRILL
Empty 'em 'till they're almost flat.
And turn your head. There might be
some debris flying your way.

DEAN
Why?

And with that, THE FIRST WAREHOUSE EXPLODES, sending a
fireball of debris in all directions.
DEAN
What the fuck?!

BRILL
They shouldn't have come without
calling first.

BRILL jumps into the Chevy, turns the key and the
engine ignites. DEAN leaps in. BRILL stomps on the gas
and tires screech. The Chevy hurtles through the
warehouse toward a shut garage door. BRILL clicks a
remote. The door rises.

OUTSIDE THE WAREHOUSE - The Chevy roars outward,
screams around a corner, then speeds down a road lined
with warehouses.

DEAN looks down an intersecting road to glimpse a
Saturn sedan gaining on a parallel road.

BRILL
Where's your gun?

They pass an area with no warehouses. The Saturn turns,
heading straight at them.

DEAN
Back at the warehouse.

The Saturn pulls on the road behind them. The MAN in
the Saturn leans out and fires an assault rifle. The
side window by Dean's head shatters.

BRILL one-hands the pistol and checks the load.

DEAN
(re: the pistol)
Gimme that.

BRILL
You sure?

DEAN
You're driving.

BRILL
Those are Feds.

DEAN
(taking the pistol)
I didn't see a warrant. Did you see
a warrant?

The Chevy enters a narrow lane, the Saturn right behind.
With the Chevy's tires flat and flapping, the Saturn
hugs their rear. DEAN looks back again as the RIFLEMAN
FIRES--

The rear window EXPLODES. DEAN pops up and fires three
quick, well-placed rounds.

The Saturn swerves and drops back. BRILL's impressed.

DEAN looks forward to see an exit road blocked by an
iron cross-bar. BRILL, unfazed, pushes the Chevy faster.
Beam or no beam, he's going through.

BRILL
Think we let out enough air?

DEAN
(realizing)
Oh my God...

BRILL and DEAN hit the deck as the Chevy's hood scrapes
just under the beam. The windshield frame takes the
full impact. The beam slices through steel and glass,
decapitating the car. They emerge on the other side
minus roof and windows as--

--the Saturn SCREECH-STOPS inches from the beam and
debris. A MAN leaps out, shoulders his rifle and aims--

--but the Chevy disappears around a building.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Jones and his men pursue Dean and Brill in a high-stakes chase, involving explosions, gunfights, and a daring escape.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some cliched action tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with action, suspense, and unexpected twists. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced and intense sequences.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes escape from a warehouse involving a chase and gunfights is executed well. The scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' survival.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is driven by the characters' actions and decisions as they try to escape from their pursuers. The tension and conflict are well-developed, leading to a thrilling climax.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh approach to a classic action trope, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' motivations and actions drive the plot forward, adding depth and complexity to the scene. Their interactions and decisions create tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes as they are forced to make difficult decisions and confront their fears. Their actions and choices in the scene reveal new aspects of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Jones' internal goal is to successfully execute the plan and escape without getting caught. This reflects his desire for survival and success in his criminal endeavors.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by the authorities and escape the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to outsmart their pursuers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and constant, driving the action forward and keeping the audience engaged. The characters face multiple obstacles and challenges as they try to escape.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that test their skills and resourcefulness. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, as the characters are pursued by armed agents and face life-threatening situations. The outcome of the escape will have significant consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new obstacles and challenges for the characters to overcome. It sets up future conflicts and developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating tension that keeps the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' willingness to engage in criminal activities and risk their lives for their goals. This challenges their moral values and ethical boundaries, as they must decide how far they are willing to go to achieve their objectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, tension, and adrenaline in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters' plight. The high-stakes nature of the escape adds to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. It adds to the overall atmosphere of suspense and danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and well-developed characters who face intense challenges and obstacles.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, rising action, and climax that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a high level of tension and action, which is engaging for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Brill is effective in conveying urgency and danger.
  • The use of the exploding warehouse adds a dramatic element to the scene, increasing the stakes for the characters.
  • The action sequences are well-described and keep the pace of the scene fast-paced and exciting.
  • The conflict between Dean, Brill, and the pursuing Saturn adds to the suspense and danger of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Dean and Brill to deepen their characters and provide insight into their motivations.
  • Provide more context or background information on why the warehouse explodes and who the individuals in the Saturn are to enhance the overall plot.
  • Add more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene, such as describing the sounds of the explosions or the smell of burning debris.
  • Consider incorporating more strategic decision-making or problem-solving from Dean and Brill to showcase their resourcefulness in high-pressure situations.
  • Ensure the action sequences are clear and easy to follow for the reader to maintain a sense of tension and excitement.



Scene 32 -  Narrow Escape
EXT. HIGHWAY - EARLY MORNING

A foggy morning. The rural highway's deserted at this
early hour. The Chevy rumbles by...

INT. CHEVY - CONTINUOUS

DEAN and BRILL, windblown but alive, remove shards of
glass. BRILL eyes the road behind him.

Empty.

BRILL
We lost 'em.

DEAN
That wasn't so hard.

BRILL
Fuckin-A.

DEAN
Let's not do the tire thing anymore,
okay?

BRILL
Yeah, I can see where that'd--
He stops talking.

He hears ROTOR THUMPS as a black HELICOPTER appears
over a fog-laced hillside, swooping down.

BRILL floors it. The helicopter drops in closer as
BRILL swerves back and forth while taking a curve at 70-
plus on flapping tires. A helicopter SHARP-SHOOTER aims
with an M-16.

A spray of high-powered slugs suddenly rip into the
Chevy's hood. The engine starts knocking.

BRILL
These guys are incredibly persistent.

DEAN
Tell me about it.

The road straightens. Up ahead, a tunnel.

More bullets slice the hood. Radiator fluid starts
hissing. The Chevy starts dying.

BRILL stomps the pedal, squeezing out every last kick
of horsepower.

Rubber flaps. Tires shred. Steam hisses. Bullets fly.

The helicopter swoops in lower and lower for the kill shot.

INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS

The SHARP-SHOOTER lines DEAN in his sights.

The PILOT keeps pace, dropping closer. The SHARP-
SHOOTER has the shot.

The Chevy reaches the tunnel's opening on sparking,
screeching wheel rims.

The helicopter pulls up, missing the hill by inches.

But not the power lines. The PILOT sees them too late.
The helicopter flies into a web of cables. The upper
rotor slices neatly off. The helicopter's body rockets
downward to the road where it bounces and skids like a
rock on water until it meets an oncoming semi-truck
head-on.

BLAM!

EXT. INSIDE THE TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

BRILL tries steering but metal wheels on concrete don't
work. The car shimmies like it's on ice. Sparks fly as
they bash into the tunnel wall, grinding to a stop.
INT. DODGE - CONTINUOUS

A GRUNGE-DUDE blasts his car-stereo as he enters the
tunnel, unaware of the mayhem behind him.

He slows, seeing a smoking wreck ahead.

Closer, he sees DEAN waving him down. He slows more.
Bad move.

BRILL opens the rear door, leaps in, and points his
pistol at the GRUNGE-DUDE's face.

DEAN leaps in front.

BRILL
Drive.

DEAN
We're not gonna hurt you.

BRILL
Drive.

DEAN
Tell him we're not gonna hurt him.

BRILL
Drive or I'll blow your fuckin'
head off.

DEAN
No he won't.

BRILL
Goddammit--

DEAN
We're honest people and we need
your help. I'll give you two-
hundred dollars if you--

GRUNGE-DUDE
(leaping out)
Take it!

DEAN
Actually, I don't have two-hundred
dollars.

BRILL
Drive the damn car!

DEAN slides into the driver's seat, drops it in gear
and goes.
The Dodge erupts from the tunnel.

Up ahead, the Saturn and another car approach fast in
the opposite lane, speeding toward the tunnel's opening.
The car's fly by, unaware of DEAN and BRILL passing in
the Dodge.

The Dodge continues on, fading into the fog.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dean and Brill narrowly escape a pursuing helicopter by driving through a tunnel, causing the helicopter to crash. They then hijack a car from a grunge-dude to continue their escape on a rural highway on a foggy morning. The main conflict is resolved when the helicopter crashes, but tension rises when Brill threatens the grunge-dude with a gun. The scene is intense and action-packed, with key dialogue involving Brill and Dean convincing the grunge-dude to drive them away. The visual elements include the helicopter crash and the Dodge speeding away from the tunnel, ending with Dean and Brill driving away in the Dodge, leaving the chaos behind them.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes tension
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with adrenaline-pumping action and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed chase involving a helicopter and gunfights is executed with precision, creating a thrilling and intense sequence.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Dean and Brill's attempt to escape from their pursuers, leading to a series of high-octane action sequences.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique situation of a high-speed chase and helicopter pursuit, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dean and Brill's characters are well-developed, showcasing their resourcefulness and determination in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, Dean and Brill's actions reveal more about their resourcefulness and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is survival and escape from the pursuing helicopter. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by the helicopter and reach safety. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and constant, driving the action forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the helicopter providing a formidable challenge for the protagonist and creating uncertainty about their fate.

High Stakes: 10

The high-stakes nature of the chase, with helicopters, gunfights, and a dramatic escape, adds tension and excitement to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the danger and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the chase sequence, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for survival and the helicopter's relentless pursuit, challenging their beliefs about their own capabilities and the world around them.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear and tension in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters' perilous situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-octane action, suspenseful chase sequence, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast tempo that matches the intensity of the action and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of action thriller, with a clear setup, escalating conflict, and a resolution that leaves room for further development.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of a foggy morning on a deserted highway, setting the tone for tension and suspense.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Brill is effective in conveying their dynamic and the urgency of their situation.
  • The action sequences involving the helicopter pursuit and the Chevy's escape are well-described and create a sense of danger and excitement.
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the constant threat of the helicopter and the deteriorating condition of the Chevy.
  • The interaction with the Grunge-Dude adds a touch of dark humor to the scene, providing a brief moment of relief amidst the chaos.
  • The scene ends with a sense of mystery and anticipation as the Dodge disappears into the fog, leaving the outcome uncertain.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Dean and Brill to deepen their characters and engage the audience further.
  • Provide more context or backstory on why the helicopter is pursuing Dean and Brill to enhance the stakes and tension.
  • Explore the aftermath of the helicopter crash and how it impacts the overall pursuit to add layers to the action.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene, such as sounds of screeching tires or the smell of burning rubber.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the action sequences to maintain a cohesive flow and keep the reader engaged.



Scene 33 -  Agents Prepare to Intercept Incriminating Video
INT. NSA/CORRIDOR - DAY

REYNOLDS and HICKS walk down a white hallway three
football fields in length, filled with bustling
employees conservatively dressed.

HICKS
We found two sets of latent prints
in the rubble of Brill's studio.
One was Dean's. The other, we
believe, belongs to Brill.

REYNOLDS
We believe?

HICKS
Well...his real name's Edward Lyle.

REYNOLDS
Lyle?!

HICKS
Yes sir.

REYNOLDS
You're kidding me.

HICKS
No sir.

REYNOLDS
Dean's with Lyle.

HICKS
And they have the video. That's
confirmed.

REYNOLDS
So they know everything.

HICKS
If they've looked at the video.

REYNOLDS
Oh, let's assume that they have.

HICKS
If he's with Lyle it means he's got
resources.

REYNOLDS
Resources, that's a good point.
He's got resources. All we've got
is a six-hundred billion dollar
organization! Now goddammit, Hicks,
you find 'em. You find 'em and you
end it now!

REYNOLDS walks off leaving HICKS to ponder his fate.

EXT. USED CAR LOT - DAY

Establishing. Plastic flags and PRICES SLASHED signs
are everywhere. A blue Taurus pulls off the lot...

DEAN (O.S.)
We'll take the tape directly to CBS.
I'll hand it directly to the News
Department.

INT. TAURUS - CONTINUED

BRILL
Listen to you, "directly". You're
not gonna get near the News
Department. And if you did, it'd
never get on the air. Time-Life
buried the Zapruder film for 15 years.

DEAN
What about newspapers and magazines?

BRILL
Same thing?

DEAN
So what do we do now?

BRILL
I was thinkin' about asking for my
hundred and fifty grand and calling
it quits.

DEAN
What if we do a mailing to Congressmen.

BRILL
It'd never get through. All
packages are screened, x-rayed and
then hand-searched for explosives.
You didn't like my "give-me-my-
money" idea?

INT. TAURUS - NIGHT
BRILL drives. DEAN thinks.

DEAN
What if we hand deliver to their
homes or office?

BRILL
The area's wired for surveillance,
they'll be looking for those moves.

DEAN
Well how do I know what they're--

BRILL
I know. I know what they're looking
for and I'm telling you.

The car radio is playing a newscast...

NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
(from the radio)
--after which, Senator Albert will
address a fund-raiser at Boston
University.

DEAN
What if we put it on the internet?

BRILL
Have you seen how fuckin' slow the
net is? It'd take ten minutes to
unload enough video so that people
know what they're seeing, and it'd
take the NSA maybe 40 seconds to
see it coming down and shut down
the access.

NEWSCASTER (O.S.)
(from the radio)
--this will be the last stop on the
Senator's eight-city tour before
the Senate votes on Tuesday.

BRILL
(reconsidering)
But maybe if there were no phone
line--

DEAN has started listening to the radio...

BRILL (CONT'D)
What if we transmitted it over
cellular?

DEAN
Listen--
BRILL
Nah, they'd shut down the pin number.

DEAN
What if--

BRILL
If they couldn't do that, they'd
shut down the whole system, all the
relays.

DEAN
What if--

BRILL
They've done it before. Takes maybe
two minutes.

DEAN
What if--

BRILL
What if what?

DEAN
What if we just fucked with 'em?

BRILL
(pause)
How?

DEAN
Same way they did with you and me.
We take their biggest guy and turn
him into one of us.

BRILL
Reynolds.

DEAN
No.

BRILL
Who?

A MONTAGE OF EVENTS:
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Agents Reynolds and Hicks discover that the latent prints found in Brill's studio belong to Dean and Edward Lyle, aka Brill. Hicks informs Reynolds that Dean is likely with Lyle and has the incriminating video, leading Reynolds to order Hicks to find and eliminate them. Meanwhile, Dean and Brill struggle to find a way to release the video to the public, considering various methods that Brill warns could be intercepted by the NSA. Dean suggests using cellular transmission, but Brill dismisses it as the NSA can shut down the entire system. Dean then suggests turning one of the NSA's biggest guys against them, but Brill asks, "Who?" before the scene ends.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Compelling dialogue
  • High-stakes tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Complex plot may require close attention to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, action, and intrigue. The fast-paced dialogue and high-stakes situation keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a government conspiracy and trying to outmaneuver a powerful organization like the NSA is compelling and drives the tension in the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and full of twists and turns, with the characters facing escalating danger and obstacles as they try to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the espionage genre, focusing on the characters' strategic thinking and problem-solving skills. The authenticity of the dialogue adds depth to the characters and their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dean and Brill are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their dynamic and interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dean and Brill undergo changes in their approach and mindset as they confront the truth about the NSA and the extent of the conspiracy they are embroiled in.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth and protect themselves from the powerful forces at play. They are driven by a desire for justice and to outsmart their adversaries.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to find a way to expose the truth without getting caught by the authorities. They are trying to navigate the surveillance and control of the system to achieve their objective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the characters facing physical danger, deception, and betrayal as they try to outwit their powerful adversaries.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing surveillance, control, and powerful adversaries. The audience is unsure of how the protagonists will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of capture, betrayal, and even death as they race against time to expose the truth.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about the NSA's involvement and setting up further conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' creative problem-solving and unexpected twists in their plan. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in truth and justice versus the oppressive surveillance and control of the system. It challenges their values and forces them to think creatively to achieve their goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, fear, and determination, as the characters navigate a dangerous and uncertain situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and propels the action forward. It reveals the characters' intelligence, resourcefulness, and determination.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and strategic thinking. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemma and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemma. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The technical writing proficiency enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of exposition and dialogue that could be condensed to make it more engaging and concise.
  • There is a lack of visual description and action in the scene, making it feel static and dialogue-heavy.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Brill feels repetitive and could benefit from more dynamic interactions and conflict.
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension, considering the high stakes and danger the characters are facing.
  • The transition between different ideas and suggestions feels abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements and action to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
  • Condense the dialogue to focus on the most important points and interactions between Dean and Brill.
  • Introduce more tension and urgency to reflect the dangerous situation the characters are in.
  • Explore different ways to convey the characters' emotions and motivations through actions and reactions.
  • Work on creating a more seamless transition between different ideas and suggestions to improve the flow of the scene.



Scene 34 -  Operation Setup: Surveillance Tools and Appearance Alteration
INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY

BRILL educates DEAN on simple ways to alter one's
appearance.

DEAN (V.O.)
Senator Sam Albert, senior
Republican. Very well respected.

INT. BOSTON UNIVERSITY/AUDITORIUM - DAY
A large auditorium. Preparations are being made for
Senator Albert's upcoming speech. BRILL and DEAN
casually case the area for vulnerabilities.

DEAN
We'll play the NSA's game only
we'll play it badly.

EXT. LE MERIDIAN HOTEL, BOSTON - DAY

Establishing. A five-star hotel overlooking
Massachusetts Bay.

BRILL (V.O.)
You wanna get caught spying on Albert?

DEAN (V.O.)
No, I want the NSA to get caught
spying on Albert.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

CHRISTA HAWKINS, late 20's, the Senator's advance-
person, stands at registration securing rooms for her
boss and his team.

DEAN (V.O.)
We're gonna lead Albert by the nose
to one conclusion. And then when
he's pissed as hell, we're gonna
drop the tape in his lap. How fast
can you teach me what I need to know?

BRILL (V.O.)
How fast can you learn?

Next to CHRISTA, looking conservative and altered in
appearance, is DEAN, eavesdropping on the Senator's
room numbers and any other pertinent info.

EXT. RADIO SHACK - DAY

Establishing. One of those cheesy places in a mini-mall.

DEAN (V.O.)
Pretty fast.

BRILL
We'll have to re-stock some basics.

INT. RADIO SHACK - CONTINUOUS

BRILL and DEAN go shopping.

BRILL
Bugs, frequency scanners, contact
mics, transmitters, pin-holes,
fiber optics--

INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY

The curtains are drawn. Devices cover the table and bed.

BRILL
What do you know about locking
cellular phone signals?

DEAN
I know my phone number and I know
the number for SportsPhone. Beyond
that--

BRILL
Shit.

INT. TAURUS - DAY

DEAN drives while BRILL sits with his open PC lap-top
connect to his cellular phone.

BRILL
A 'modified' OKI 900 interfaced
with a lap-top creates an enormously
powerful tool.
(referring to the cell-phone)
I got into the software, did some
code re-writing and turned it into
one of the best scan-looking
systems around.

CLOSE ON SCREEN - A street map appears with positions
of the network's relays. Lines appear indicating all
in-progress cellular calls along with their locations.

BRILL (CONT'D)
This is every call on the grid. I
can lock and position any one I
want and follow the hand-offs in
real time.

BRILL punches a number into the cellular and the phone
locks on the signal. Through the lap-top, we hear
RINGING and then an ANSWERING VOICE.

WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Super Shuttle.

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
This is Dr. Jonathan Phillips, 102
Stern Drive in Brockton. I need an
airport ride on Friday at 6 PM with
a return pick-up Monday at 5.
There'll be two of us and--
BRILL
(disconnecting)
Need a place to stay for the
weekend? A new TV?
(BRILL has repeated the process)

ANOTHER MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Triple-A Emergency Road Service.
May I have your name and membership
number?

YOUNG WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Colleen Crane. Card number 020-113--

DEAN
Unbelievable.

BRILL
All from a hundred dollar scanner
at Radio Shack. But it's time for
business.

BRILL dials his computer into a new line. TONES and
COMMANDS fly quick as Brill's computer modems into another.

DEAN
What are you dialing?

BRILL
AmeriTech's data-base.
(pointing on the screen)
There's Albert's D.C. office
address and his phone's identity
code. Now we just reprogram out
phone with his ID code and you know
what we've got?

SENATOR ALBERT (O.S.)
(mid-conversation)
--Don't think it could've gone any
better. Tell me, how's Deb? How're
my grandchildren?

BRILL
A receiver tuned permanently to the
Senator's phone.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Brill instructs Dean on disguise and surveillance techniques. Together, they survey potential spying locations and acquire equipment from Radio Shack. Brill showcases a modified phone capable of intercepting calls. They reprogram it with Senator Albert's ID, establishing a dedicated receiver for his communications.
Strengths
  • High-stakes tension
  • Engaging plot
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Emotional impact could be further developed
  • Character development could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, action, and intrigue. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced plot and high-stakes situation.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using technology to spy on a senator and expose government corruption is innovative and captivating. The scene effectively showcases the complexities of espionage and surveillance tactics.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of deception, manipulation, and danger. It keeps the audience invested in the characters' mission and the outcome of their undercover operation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique surveillance techniques and equipment, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The level of originality is high.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dean and Brill are well-defined and play off each other effectively. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dean and Brill undergo changes in their approach to the mission and their trust in each other. Their characters evolve as they face new challenges and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully gather information on Senator Albert without getting caught. This reflects their desire for success in their mission and their fear of failure or being discovered.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to lead Senator Albert to a specific conclusion and then present incriminating evidence to him. This reflects their immediate challenge of manipulating the situation to their advantage.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as Dean and Brill navigate the dangers of their undercover operation and face off against powerful adversaries like the NSA.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges and obstacles that add tension and conflict to the story.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, as Dean and Brill risk their lives to expose government corruption and outsmart the NSA. The danger, suspense, and urgency make the scene gripping and intense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by advancing the undercover operation, revealing new information about the NSA's corruption, and setting up the next phase of the characters' mission.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and the high level of tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of surveillance and invasion of privacy. The characters must grapple with the moral implications of their actions in pursuit of their goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, suspense, and a sense of urgency, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as the action and intrigue. However, the audience is still emotionally invested in the characters' mission and safety.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and serves to move the plot forward. It effectively conveys the characters' motivations, conflicts, and strategies in the undercover operation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and technical details that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, with quick transitions between locations and action sequences that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful espionage genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high-stakes situation Dean and Brill are in.
  • The dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy and could be more natural and engaging.
  • The visual elements could be enhanced to create a more immersive and dynamic setting.
  • The transition between locations and events could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build suspense and intrigue around the NSA's involvement and the potential danger Dean and Brill are facing.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspenseful elements such as heightened stakes, time pressure, or unexpected obstacles to increase tension.
  • Revise the dialogue to sound more organic and character-driven, focusing on the emotions and motivations of Dean and Brill.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and engaging picture of the locations and actions taking place.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different locations and events to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Consider adding twists or revelations to keep the audience engaged and build anticipation for the resolution of the NSA threat.



Scene 35 -  Suspicious Discoveries
EXT. FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS

A customized RV zips down the highway.

SENATOR'S WIFE (O.S.)
Melissa has a fever. When will you
be in the room?

INT. RV - CONTINUOUS
It's a plush affair befitting the Senator's position.
ALBERT speaks in the cellular phone while an aide,
PATRICK, reviews last minute changes for Albert's
upcoming speech.

SENATOR ALBERT
Not 'till later tonight. We're
going to the campus now.
(beat)
I'll call you after I've checked in.
(beat)
I love you too, dear.

INT. LE MERIDIAN HOTEL/LOBBY - DAY

CHRISTA stands at the front desk as the CLERK hands her
several faxes.

DEAN, disguised, sits across the lobby reading a paper.

DEAN's POV: CHRISTA exits the hotel to a waiting car.

DEAN
(into concealed sleeve mic)
She just left.

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - DAY

Numbered doors on each side. BRILL walks down the hall,
hair slicked, mustache, wearing a suit and carrying a
briefcase.

BRILL (V.O.)
The important thing about
installations is numbers.

INT. CHRISTA'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

SERIES OF SHOTS:

BRILL entering CHRISTA's room and opening his briefcase
revealing tools and listening bugs.

BRILL (V.O.)
They may find one, but they're not
gonna find 'em all.

--BRILL planting devices behind the headboard--

--Inside the telephone--

--Behind the desk--

--Inside the TV--

--BRILL rifling through CHRISTA's personal items,
eyeing paper work, photographing interesting documents.

--BRILL opening a connecting door, picking a second
lock, and entering the adjoining suite.

INT. CHRISTA'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

A clock reads 1:28 AM. The lights are on and the bed
unslept in. Christa's not seen. Then the connecting
door opens--

CHRISTA steps from the Senator's adjoining suite in a
silk robe, nothing underneath. She turns in the doorway,
revealing ALBERT, naked in a towel.

CHRISTA closes the door, climbs in bed and grabs the
remote. She clicks on the TV.

FEEDBACK SCREECHES from the set.

She tries changing channels but the SCREECHING
continues. She tries turning off the set, but it won't
turn off. She grabs the phone and dials.

CHRISTA
(into phone)
Can you send someone up right away.
I'm having a problem with my TV...
It's screeching and I--
(beat)
It's screeching and I--

CHRISTA is noticing that her voice is causing the TV
image to distort in sync.

CHRISTA (CONT'D)
It's screeching and I can't turn it
off.

INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT - MORNING

SENATOR ALBERT dines with an aide as PATRICK approaches,
a grave look on his face. PATRICK takes a seat.

SENATOR ALBERT
What happened to you last night?

PATRICK reaches in his case and pulls out one of
Brill's listening bugs and hands it to ALBERT who puts
on his eyeglasses.

PATRICK
Christa found it last night
attached to her TV. It's a
listening device.

SENATOR ALBERT
A bug?

PATRICK
Yeah.

SENATOR ALBERT
Jesus H.--

PATRICK
We should everything checked.
There's a company in Cambridge
called Baudmore. They're discreet.

Seated next to ALBERT's table is DEAN, unnoticed as he
sips coffee, skims news, and eavesdrops on their
MURMURS with a small, concealed parabolic mic and ear-
phone.

SENATOR ALBERT
Well get somebody down here today.
I don't know what the hell this is
all about.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Senator Albert learns about a listening device found in Christa's hotel room, leading to concerns about surveillance and privacy. Brill's intrusion and Christa's involvement add to the suspense.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Intricate planning and execution
  • High-stakes scenario
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential lack of emotional depth in characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-crafted, engaging, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its suspenseful and intense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an undercover operation to gather information through surveillance devices is executed effectively, adding depth to the plot and raising the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as crucial information is gathered through the undercover operation, leading to potential revelations and escalating the conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre, combining elements of political drama with personal relationships and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Brill and Dean are portrayed as skilled operatives, showcasing their expertise in espionage and surveillance. Their interactions and actions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it showcases the skills and expertise of Brill and Dean in espionage and surveillance.

Internal Goal: 8

Christa's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and handle the discovery of the listening bug in her hotel room without revealing her true emotions or intentions.

External Goal: 9

Senator Albert's external goal is to investigate the presence of the listening bug and protect his reputation and security.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as Brill and Dean navigate the challenges of planting listening devices in a hotel room without being detected, facing the risk of exposure and potential consequences.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that test their abilities and reveal their true intentions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Brill and Dean engage in a risky undercover operation to gather crucial information, facing the threat of exposure and potential danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by gathering crucial information through the undercover operation, setting the stage for potential revelations and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the characters' shifting motivations and alliances.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, betrayal, and power. Christa's discovery of the bug challenges her trust in those around her, while Senator Albert's reaction reflects his struggle to maintain control and authority in the face of potential threats.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged as the characters execute a risky undercover operation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves the purpose of conveying crucial information and building tension during the undercover operation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful plot developments, and complex character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that maintain the audience's interest and drive the plot forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and character perspectives to build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high-stakes situation of spying on the Senator.
  • The dialogue feels a bit flat and lacks depth, especially in the interactions between the characters.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and engaging to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
  • The transition between different locations and actions could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build suspense and intrigue with the discovery of the listening bug in Christa's room.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspense and tension by emphasizing the risks and consequences of spying on the Senator.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' motivations and relationships.
  • Include more detailed and evocative visual descriptions to create a vivid picture of the scene.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different locations and actions to improve the coherence of the scene.
  • Explore the discovery of the listening bug in Christa's room as a pivotal moment to heighten the intrigue and suspense.



Scene 36 -  Uncovering the Surveillance
EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY

A phone distribution box is open, revealing a mass of
circuit boards. BRILL stands at the box holding a
circuit-dialer phone to his ear.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY/NEWS STAND - CONTINUOUS

DEAN watches PATRICK approach a pay phone.

DEAN
(into sleeve mic)
He's going into the payphone
outside the restaurant. It's a
Cambridge company called Baudmore.

BRILL connects two alligator clips to a line inside the
box.

BRILL
(into sleeve mic)
Got it.

BRILL's phone line immediately rings. He waits...then
answers.

BRILL
(into phone)
Baudmore Consultants.

PATRICK
Is Jerry Delsano in?
BRILL
Who's calling?

PATRICK
It's Pat Cary. I work for Senator
Sam Albert and I was given Jerry's
name.

BRILL
Jerry's on vacation 'till Monday. I
can give him the message when he
gets back. That was Patrick and the
last name--

PATRICK
The thing is...it really can't wait.

BRILL
My name's Neil. Maybe I can help you.

INT. SENATOR ALBERT'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON A FREQUENCY COUNTER sweeping a chest of
drawers. The device starts BUZZING, indicating a
transmitter.

BRILL, disguised, is on hands and knees, searching
under a chest where he 'discovers' a bug he planted
earlier.

BRILL
(removing the transmitter)
Oh yeah. Got another one here.

BRILL shows it to PATRICK, a very embarrassed HOTEL
MANAGER and a very serious HEAD OF HOTEL SECURITY.

BRILL (CONT'D)
Nasty fella. A TX-703. Remote on-
off, three-thousand foot range.
Shit, you could listen from a
shopping mall across the street.

INT. SENATOR ALBERT'S RV - DAY

BRILL stands in front of SENATOR ALBERT.

BRILL
Well, sir, I'm afraid it's not as
simple as that. Your average
newspaper guy or Hard Copy lady or
whatever, they can't buy this stuff.

SENATOR ALBERT
Well then who can?
BRILL
Ah, sir, you know, it's not for me
to say.

SENATOR ALBERT
What do you mean? Who can buy this
kind of equipment.

BRILL
The thing is, Senator, and I don't
want to get in the middle of
nothing, but--

SENATOR ALBERT
What are you saying?

BRILL
Most of this stuff's only available
to law enforcement.

SENATOR ALBERT
Law enforcement?

BRILL
FBI, CIA, NSA, local cops.

SENATOR ALBERT
Are you sure about this?

BRILL unwraps a towel revealing the grease-covered NSA
tracker he removed from Dean's BMW.

BRILL
I yanked this off your RV. It's a
Global Positioning Tracker.

SENATOR ALBERT
Oh my God.

BRILL
Tracks your location to the inch
and works directly with--you know...

SENATOR ALBERT
With what?

BRILL
With spy satellites. I don't like
saying these things Senator...

SENATOR ALBERT
(shaking BRILL's hand)
Neil, thank you for your help.

BRILL
Anytime.
PATRICK escorts BRILL out of the RV.

The SENATOR, fuming, opens a book, looks up a phone
number and punches it into his phone.

SENATOR ALBERT
(into the phone)
This is Sam Albert. Put me through
to Langley. Dick Marshal's office.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Brill, disguised as a phone repairman, pretends to be an employee of Baudmore Consultants and answers a call from Patrick, who is working for Senator Albert and is looking for Jerry Delsano. Brill introduces himself as Neil and offers to help. Separately, Brill 'discovers' a bug he planted earlier under a chest of drawers in Senator Albert's hotel room and shows it to Patrick, the hotel manager, and the head of hotel security. Brill then confronts Senator Albert in his RV and reveals that he found an NSA tracker on the vehicle. Senator Albert is shocked and calls Langley to report the incident.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Revealing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in some character interactions
  • Potential for further character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of tension, action, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering government surveillance and espionage through an undercover operation is intriguing and well-developed, adding depth to the overall plot.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of deception, surveillance, and action driving the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements of surveillance technology and espionage tactics, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and play crucial roles in advancing the plot, but there could be more depth and development to enhance their impact.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience subtle changes in their beliefs and actions during the scene, setting the stage for potential growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Brill's internal goal is to uncover and expose the surveillance activities targeting Senator Albert, showcasing his skills and knowledge in the field of espionage.

External Goal: 7.5

Brill's external goal is to protect Senator Albert from further surveillance and potential threats, demonstrating his loyalty and dedication to his client.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters navigate a dangerous undercover operation against powerful adversaries.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters engage in a dangerous undercover operation against a powerful government agency, risking their lives to uncover the truth.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and revelations about surveillance activities and the characters' motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethics of surveillance and privacy invasion, challenging Senator Albert's beliefs and values as he learns about the extent of the surveillance on him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, concern, and shock from the audience, but there could be more emotional depth to enhance the impact further.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and the unfolding events, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear transitions between locations and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard format for a suspenseful espionage sequence, with intercutting between different locations and characters to build tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the high stakes involved in spying on Senator Albert.
  • The dialogue between Brill and Patrick feels a bit too straightforward and lacks subtlety, making it less engaging for the audience.
  • The discovery of the bug in Senator Albert's hotel room seems too convenient and easily resolved, diminishing the impact of the espionage element.
  • The interaction between Brill and Senator Albert in the RV could benefit from more suspense and intrigue to heighten the drama of the situation.
  • The resolution of the scene with Senator Albert contacting Langley feels rushed and could have been built up more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Add more layers to the dialogue between Brill and Patrick to create a sense of mystery and intrigue.
  • Increase the tension in the scene by introducing unexpected obstacles or complications in the spying operation.
  • Enhance the discovery of the bug in Senator Albert's hotel room by making it more challenging to find and remove, adding to the suspense.
  • Build up the confrontation between Brill and Senator Albert in the RV by introducing more conflict and ambiguity in their interaction.
  • Extend the resolution of the scene with Senator Albert contacting Langley to create a more impactful and satisfying conclusion.



Scene 37 -  Deadly Pursuit and Sacrifice
INT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP - DAY

A place packed with STUDENTS, computers and TEACHERS.
DEAN sits in a corner reading a magazine, but what he's
really watching is--

A WELL-DRESSED MAN at the counter, his back to DEAN,
ordering a cup of coffee.

The MAN glances at DEAN off the mirror behind the counter.

BRILL walks in and joins DEAN.

BRILL
Albert's primed. We'll let him stew
for a day and then drop the tape.

BRILL looks over at the WELL-DRESSED MAN.

DEAN
He came in four minutes ago.

BRILL
(pause)
C'mon.

They're about to start for the front door when an
unmarked police car pulls up in front.

A rowdy group of FRAT BOYS flood in, loud and busy. By
the time they pass, BRILL and DEAN are gone.

The WELL-DRESSED MAN scans the coffee shop and sees the
back door swinging shut.

EXT. STREET - DAY

DEAN and BRILL run down the street, through an alley
and over a fence to another street. They slow as they
approach the parked Taurus. BRILL takes the wheel with
DEAN beside him.

They pull into traffic. Things look good, but then the
UNMARKED CAR and a SQUAD CAR scream up behind, lights
flashing.

INT. TAURUS - CONTINUOUS
BRILL dumps the car into low gear and the Taurus comes
alive.

INT. SQUAD CAR - CONTINUOUS

A COP picks up the radio-mic.

COP
One-Lincoln-Nine. In pursuit of two
suspects, one matching description
of Robert Dean, wanted in connection
with a homicide. Suspects northbound
on--

EXT. BOSTON STREETS - CONTINUOUS

Through alleys, down streets, under an overpass, down a
one-way street, barely missing a head-on as they roar
into a rail-yard traversing the waterfront. BRILL's at
his best, putting distance between himself and the cops
at every turn.

Finally, it looks as if they've made it as they race
down an alleyway, only to realize it's a dead-end.

BRILL slams into reverse. They screech backward, tires
smoking.

Too late. The squad car rips into the alleyway, boxing
them in.

BRILL hits the brakes. He looks back at the dead-end
and sees an empty flat-bed trailer with a ramp. BRILL
gives it everything. If they can get enough speed and
hit the ramp right, maybe they can clear the obstructing
wall.

BRILL
Feeling lucky?

DEAN
Not particularly, no.

They hit the ramp full speed. The front end bottoms at
the Taurus bounces skyward. Tires clip the wall as the
car flips and smashes into a parked rail-car filled
with coal.

They aren't going anywhere.

Back in the alley, the squad car skids to a stop.

A ROOKIE climbs from his car, leaps the wall, draws his
gun and nears...

Inside the Taurus, the windows are shattered. Steam
hisses, gasoline drips and coal is everywhere.

DEAN shimmies out through a broken side window. He
barely gets to his feet as he stumbles 20 yards or so.

His foot accidentally dislodges a large pile of coal,
which buries him up to his waist and immobilizes him.

DEAN
Shit.
(to BRILL)
I'm stuck. Help me out.

He looks back to see that BRILL is hanging out the
driver's side, bleeding badly and covered in gas.

COP
(on waist radio)
One-Lincoln-Nine, suspects TA'd
into a coal car at the Fullbright
rail-yards. Requesting back-up,
fire and ambulance.

An unmarked car with red-flashers races up the rail-
yard and stops. The ROOKIE turns as JONES and KRUG hop out.

JONES
(flashing ID)
FBI. What do you got?

COP
Two murder suspects. One's wounded,
the other's maybe dead.

JONES
Thank you.

KRUG draws his silenced pistol and matter of factly
shoots the COP dead.

JONES
(to KRUG)
Check inside.

DEAN is watching this all unseen, helplessly trying to
dig himself out of the coal.

KRUG inspects the Taurus interior for anything of
interest. JONES scans the area.

KRUG
(to BRILL as he searches.)
I hate doin' cops, I really do. You
I won't mind. Didn't mind that
Rachel Banks. Didn't mind doin' her
one bit.
(seeing DEAN's shoe)
Your lawyer friend buried over there?

BRILL can only gurgle blood. JONES pops the Taurus's
trunk had looks inside.

KRUG digs quickly through the coal pile, searching for
Dean. Then BRILL sees him--

BRILL's POV: DEAN down off the side of the coal-car,
lodged in the coal pile. He's safe, but not once KRUG
discovers he's not in the car.

BRILL pushes in the cigarette lighter.

JONES dumps everything from the Taurus into the
unmarked car. SIRENS suddenly fade in.

KRUG digs faster, looking for DEAN, as JONES approaches
with his pistol, clambering around for BRILL.

KRUG
Fuck him, he's dead in two minutes.
Find Dean.

JONES starts to back out, just as the Taurus's
cigarette lighter pops out. BRILL grabs it.

KRUG eyes the glowing lighter. Then he eyes BRILL.

Shit.

BRILL ignites the gas. WA-WOOMFF!! A fireball explodes,
consuming all - the car, BRILL, KRUG. JONES is blown
off his feet from the concussion.

JONES
(scrambling away)
Fuck--

JONES wipes prints off his pistol and silencer and
tosses it into the flames as the police cars approach.

DEAN watches from the shadows as flames incinerate
everything.

MARSHAL (V.O.)
I just came from my office at
Langley. Senator Albert called me
there.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense encounter, Dean and Brill plan to incriminate Senator Albert but are pursued by the police and a mysterious well-dressed man. A car chase ensues, leading to a crash in an alleyway. The well-dressed man shoots a cop before searching the car, trapping Dean inside. Brill sacrifices himself in an explosion to kill the man. FBI agent Jones arrives and removes evidence. Dean watches as the flames consume Brill and their pursuers.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes tension
  • Unexpected twists and turns
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and unexpected turns. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced narrative and dramatic events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes chase and confrontation between the protagonist and the authorities is well-executed. The use of fire and explosions adds an extra layer of danger and excitement.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and well-developed, with a clear goal for the characters and a series of obstacles they must overcome. The twists and turns keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique and fresh approach to a classic chase sequence, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and realistic, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions are in line with their motivations. Dean and Brill's dynamic adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a physical and emotional transformation in the scene, from a fugitive on the run to a survivor fighting for his life. This adds depth to his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the pursuing police and avoid getting caught. This reflects his fear of being arrested and his desire to protect himself and his friend.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the police and reach safety. This goal is directly related to the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as being pursued for a crime he did not commit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral challenges for the characters. The high stakes drive the tension and keep the audience invested.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and challenges that threaten his safety and freedom. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of how the characters will overcome the odds.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with life-and-death consequences for the characters. The intense chase, confrontation, and explosion raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with significant developments, including the escape, the confrontation with the authorities, and the explosive climax. It sets the stage for the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its unexpected plot twists, sudden obstacles, and high level of tension. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the dangerous situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral dilemma of whether to use violence to escape from the police. This challenges his beliefs and values, as he must decide between self-preservation and potentially harming others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and shock in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their plight. The explosive climax adds a visceral impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the urgency and danger of the situation. It serves the purpose of moving the plot forward and revealing character motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' desperate situation and invested in the outcome of their escape.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a perfect balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' plight. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a high-stakes action sequence, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue formatting, and action beats. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure for a suspenseful chase sequence, with clear pacing and rhythm that heighten the tension and excitement. The formatting is consistent with the genre, effectively conveying the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene is action-packed and intense, which keeps the audience engaged.
  • The use of multiple locations and fast-paced movements adds to the suspense and urgency of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Brill is effective in conveying their sense of urgency and desperation.
  • The introduction of the well-dressed man adds an element of mystery and intrigue to the scene.
  • The twist with Jones and Krug turning out to be FBI agents and their violent actions adds a shocking and unexpected turn of events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Dean and Brill to deepen their characters and provide insight into their motivations.
  • Provide more context or background information on the well-dressed man to enhance the mystery surrounding his character.
  • Explore the aftermath of the explosion in more detail to show the impact on the characters and the environment.
  • Consider adding a resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to leave the audience wanting more.
  • Ensure the action sequences are clear and easy to follow for the audience to maintain the tension and excitement.



Scene 38 -  The Death of Brill
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. RESTAURANT TERRACE - DAY

MARSHAL and SHAFFER dine with REYNOLDS at a restaurant
overlooking the Potomac.

SHAFFER
I got the same call at the Bureau.
He's upset.

REYNOLDS
About what?

MARSHAL
About what? Do I look stupid?

REYNOLDS
Ken--

MARSHAL
Does Shaffer look stupid to you?

SHAFFER
We're not stupid, Reynolds.

MARSHAL
The fuck do you have goin' on with
Sam Albert?

SHAFFER
This guy's carrying the flag for
the damn terrorism bill. You think
this is the best time to piss him off?

MARSHAL
You have any idea what kind of
position this--

SHAFFER
He's carrying the damn flag.

REYNOLDS
We're not doing anything with Sam
Albert.

MARSHAL
He thinks we're stupid.

SHAFFER
He found an NSA SAT tracker on his
motor home today.

REYNOLDS
It's not ours.

MARSHAL
It was pulsing on your SAT frequencies.

SHAFFER
I don't know what's going on, but
if you people have tripped over
your own asshole again, you're not
gonna get any help from us. It's
ending at your doorstep.
HICKS (V.O.)
Brill's dead.

INT. TOWN CAR - DAY

REYNOLDS rides in the back of the car, a cellular to
his ear.

REYNOLDS
What about--

HICKS (O.S.)
We don't know.

REYNOLDS
Explain that.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. TECH ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The room is crammed with people as HICKS talks over the
phone.

HICKS
Jones had to flee the scene before
we could locate the second body.

REYNOLDS
What about the tape?

HICKS
We think it was on Brill. If it was,
it's destroyed now.

REYNOLDS
And if it wasn't?

ORGAN MUSIC can be heard as REYNOLDS snaps his phone shut.

PRIEST (O.S.)
Peace be with you.

EXT. SAINT PAUL'S CHURCH - DAY

Establishing. A beautiful church in an expensive
neighborhood.

CHORUS OF PARISHIONERS (O.S.)
And also with you.

INT. CHURCH - CONTINUOUS

A crowded Catholic mass. The PRIEST delivers a sermon
from an altar decorated with Christmas candles and
evergreen.
PRIEST
The Lord said: I leave you peace,
my peace I leave you. Let us now,
in the spirit of these holidays,
turn to our neighbors and offer
them a sign of peace.

REYNOLDS stands in a pew beside his TWO DAUGHTERS and
his WIFE. He turns to those immediately around him,
shaking their hands.

REYNOLDS
Peace be with you...Peace be with you.

A disguised DEAN takes REYNOLDS hand and shakes it...


DEAN
Merry Christmas. It's me.

REYNOLDS
Do I know you?

DEAN
I'm Robert Dean. Within twelve
hours, you're gonna be in jail.
Peace be with you.

REYNOLDS is dumbstruck...

PRIEST
Let us now offer up thanks to the
Lord our God in the words our
Father gave us.

CONGREGATION
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallow'd be thy name--

STACY (V.O.)
Robert, is it safe to be talking on
the phone like this?
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary As Reynolds, Shaffer, and Marshal dine, Hicks informs Reynolds of Brill's death and the missing tape. At mass, a disguised Dean tells Reynolds he will be arrested within 12 hours.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Creating suspense
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, reveals crucial information, and sets up a high-stakes situation, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of government surveillance, betrayal, and conspiracy is well-executed in the scene, adding depth to the overall plot and raising the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the revelation of NSA involvement and the potential consequences for the characters. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up a crucial turning point.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on political intrigue and espionage, blending elements of surveillance technology with personal relationships and power dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the shocking revelations and their interactions with each other add depth and complexity to the scene. Reynolds, Shaffer, and Marshal show different sides of their personalities under pressure.

Character Changes: 7

Reynolds and his team experience a shift in their perception of the situation, leading to potential changes in their actions and decisions. The revelations in the scene may impact their character arcs moving forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events involving Sam Albert and the NSA SAT tracker. This reflects his desire for justice and his fear of being deceived or manipulated.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the political and espionage challenges presented by the situation with Sam Albert and the NSA SAT tracker. This reflects his immediate need to protect his reputation and career.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing betrayal, danger, and potential consequences for their actions. The tension between the characters and the unfolding events create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting agendas and hidden motives creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' true intentions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing betrayal, danger, and potential consequences for their actions. The revelation of NSA involvement and the escalating conflict raise the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, setting up a high-stakes situation, and introducing new conflicts and challenges for the characters. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and twists in the characters' interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true motivations and loyalties.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about loyalty, trust, and power. The protagonist's values are challenged by the actions of his colleagues and the potential betrayal of a political ally.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, shock, and anxiety. The characters' reactions and the high-stakes situation contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. The conversations between the characters reveal important information and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high-stakes conflict, and intriguing plot developments. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rapid-fire dialogue and escalating conflict keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful political thriller, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is a bit on the nose and lacks subtlety. The characters explicitly state their suspicions and accusations, which can come across as heavy-handed.
  • The conflict between the characters feels forced and lacks nuance. The tension could be built up more gradually and with more complexity.
  • The transition between the phone conversation with Hicks and the church scene is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The revelation by Dean to Reynolds at the church lacks impact and believability. The dialogue feels rushed and the interaction between the characters could be more dynamic.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue to create intrigue and depth in the characters' interactions.
  • Develop the conflict between the characters in a more organic and layered way to increase tension and engagement.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different locations and scenes to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Revise the dialogue between Dean and Reynolds to make the revelation more impactful and believable, possibly adding more emotional depth to the interaction.
  • Enhance the scene with visual descriptions and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.



Scene 39 -  Caught in the Crosshairs
INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT

DEAN sits on a bed while talking into a modified
cellular computer. The screen shows his current call
signal re-routing between relay stations.

DEAN
(into phone)
I've re-routed the call. They can't
trace it.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DEAN'S HOUSE/BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
STACY
(into phone)
Are you sure you're safe?

DEAN
(into phone)
Yeah.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON A SMALL GRAY CONE-SHAPED MICROWAVE ANTENNA

STACY (O.S.)
They're saying you killed that
policeman.

DEAN (O.S.)
That's gonna end tonight.

EXT. EXPRESSWAY - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON A MICROWAVE TOWER WITH NINE GRAY CONES
pointing nine directions. The intercepted phone signals
being relayed.

STACY (O.S.)
Where are you?

DEAN (O.S.)
I can't tell you that.

EXT. KENT ISLAND - CONTINUOUS

Re-establishing. A concrete building rising from the woods.

STACY (O.S.)
Can you tell me anything?

INT. CEMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON COMPUTER SCREENS showing hundreds of phone
numbers scrolling by. A massive vacume cleaner of every
cellular call being made in the state of Maryland. The
computer scans for trigger numbers or words.

DEAN (O.S.)
I can tell you this: That anti-
terrorism bill you were so worked
up about? I don't think it's gonna
pass.

A phone number locks on the screen--

TECHNICIAN
Got it!
INT. REYNOLDS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The phone on the nightstand begins to RING. REYNOLDS
wakes as his wife rolls to the other side of the bed.
He grabs his scrambler phone and goes into--

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

REYNOLDS closes the door and waits as scrambled lines
connect. Finally, a confirming tone.

REYNOLDS
Yeah.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

HICKS is on the phone.

HICKS
Found him. Kent Island nailed the
call five minutes ago. He's stationary.

REYNOLDS
Do you have visual?

HICKS
Not yet. He's near "M" and 34th.
I've got an ELSUR unit on the scene
now. A residential building. Twelve
units.

REYNOLDS
What's your ETA?

HICKS
Three minutes. We're going in light.
Myself and two others. Everyone
else is held back in reserve.

REYNOLDS
He walked right up to me in church.
At the holiest time of the wear. He
approached me in a sanctified place.
(beat)
Kill him now.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary Dean evades detection while reass assuring Stacy of his safety. Authorities pinpoint his location on Kent Island. Reynolds orders Hicks to eliminate Dean, heightening the tension and setting the stage for a confrontation.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of espionage may be confusing for some viewers
  • The rapid pace may be overwhelming for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong mix of action, suspense, and emotional depth. It effectively builds tension and sets up a climactic confrontation, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using technology and espionage to outsmart the authorities is well-executed and adds layers of complexity to the plot. The scene effectively showcases the characters' resourcefulness and determination in the face of overwhelming odds.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven with multiple layers of deception, betrayal, and high-stakes action. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome, setting up a thrilling climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre by focusing on surveillance technology and the characters' efforts to evade detection. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are driven by the characters' motivations and fears.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, driving the action forward. Dean's determination and Brill's expertise add depth to the scene, creating a dynamic interplay between the protagonists and antagonists.

Character Changes: 7

Dean undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, from a fugitive on the run to a determined fighter seeking justice. His interactions with Brill and Stacy reveal different facets of his character, adding depth and complexity to his arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Dean's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and possibly someone else from being caught or harmed. This reflects his fear of being discovered and his desire to stay safe in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

Dean's external goal is to evade capture by law enforcement and possibly carry out a plan to prevent the passing of an anti-terrorism bill.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and a sense of impending danger. The confrontation between Dean and the authorities escalates the tension and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with law enforcement closing in on the protagonist and the threat of capture looming. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will escape or overcome the obstacles in his way.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with Dean's life on the line and the authorities closing in. The sense of danger and urgency adds tension and suspense, driving the action forward and keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up the climax. It propels the narrative towards its resolution, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting alliances, hidden agendas, and unexpected plot twists. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs about surveillance, privacy, and the use of technology for control. Dean's actions challenge the societal norms and laws in place, highlighting a clash between personal freedom and government authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including anxiety, fear, and determination. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and drives the plot forward. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts, adding depth to the scene and keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful dialogue. The audience is kept on the edge of their seat, wondering what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with quick cuts between different locations and characters, building tension and suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful thriller, with intercutting between different locations and characters to build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations, making it slightly confusing for the audience to follow.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Stacy feels a bit generic and could benefit from more depth and emotion to enhance the tension and stakes of the situation.
  • The use of technical terms like 'scrambler phone' and 'ELSUR unit' may be confusing for viewers who are not familiar with these terms, leading to a disconnect in understanding.
  • The visual descriptions of the various locations and technology used could be more vivid and engaging to create a stronger visual impact for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and emotional depth to make the audience more invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clearer transitions between locations to improve the flow of the scene and help the audience follow the action more easily.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dean and Stacy to add more emotional depth and tension to the conversation, making the stakes feel higher.
  • Simplify technical jargon or provide context clues to help viewers understand the specialized terms used in the scene.
  • Add more vivid and descriptive visual elements to paint a clearer picture of the different locations and technology being utilized.
  • Focus on character development and emotional resonance to make the audience more engaged in the characters' journey and the outcome of their actions.



Scene 40 -  Unexpected Encounter
EXT. A VICTORIAN APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Establishing. Peaceful street, quaint apartments. THREE
MEN stroll to the entrance of a well-maintained
building. One jimmies the lock and a moment later
they're in.

INT. LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
HICKS, JONES and DAVIS prepare. All have miniature
earphones. DAVIS checks his silenced pistol. HICKS
activates a frequency locator. The needle snaps on. He
looks at DAVIS and JONES.

They're ready.

All hand signals, no words, as the trio ascend the
staircase.

One flight, two. Then HICKS stops. The needle says
they're close.

HICKS motions. Their target's on two. They move down
the hall - silent except for a creaking floor and a TV
SHOW drifting from an apartment. Someone's up at this
hour.

They move on. HICKS watches the needle as it moves. He
motions DAVIS and JONES to a door. JONES puts a
reverse-viewer against the peep-hole.

JONES's POV: A view of an entryway and living room. A
light bleeds from an O.S. source. Beyond that there's
no sign of life.

HICKS puts a contact-mic against the door and listens
to FAINT CONVERSATION somewhere inside, possibly the
phone call. HICKS nods to JONES who quickly picks the
lock while DAVIS eyes the hall.

After a nervous moment, the door opens and HICKS, JONES
and DAVIS enter.

INT. THE APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

They spread out, searching the well-decorated condo for
the target.

They near the room with light. Using a mini-mirror,
HICKS looks around the bend to see--

A BEDROOM. There's a briefcase on the bed.

They enter.

From the bathroom they hear sounds of RUNNING WATER.
They slowly approach. Wood again CREAKS beneath them.

DEAN's VOICE is heard through the locked door.

HICKS signals "on three".

He counts, and they SMASH the door open to see--

--a cellular phone taped to a Baby-Monitor. DEAN's
nowhere in sight.
HICKS
The fuck is this?

INT. POLICE STATION/DISPATCH AREA - NIGHT

Spinning banks of reporters manned by POLICE DISPATCHERS.
We move to one desk where a phone rings.

An LED immediately displays the caller's name; KRUGER,
JACK, along with his social-security number and date of
birth.

DISPATCHER
Nine-one-one emergency.

OLD MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
My name's Jack Kreuger, I'm at 1102
Grambling. I just saw three guys
break into the condo next door. It
looked to me like they had guns.

INT. VICTORIAN BUILDING'S BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS

DEAN has the phone circuit box open and is plugged in
with a phone-line. Over the phone's mouthpiece, he
holds an electronic Voice-Mask which alters his voice
into an old man's.

DISPATCHER (O.S.)
We'll send a unit over there now.
If it's safe, sir, we'd like you to
stay by your phone.

DEAN
Yeah, I think I'll stay where I am.

INT. SQUAD CAR - NIGHT

DISPATCHER (O.S.)
(radio effect)
Any available unit. Armed 549 in
progress.

INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

Three TECHNICIANS overhear the police radio call.

DISPATCHER (O.S.)
Three suspects now inside. 1102
Grambling, apartment 302.

TECHNICIAN
Shit.
(into radio)
201 to First Team. Pull out. We got
the cops.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Three men break into an apartment searching for their target but find an empty apartment and a strange setup. They stumble upon a briefcase and a running shower, and when they break open the bathroom door, they discover a cellular phone attached to a baby monitor. The target of their search, Dean, is nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, Dean calls the police from the basement, cleverly disguising his voice, and reports the break-in. The scene culminates with the three men realizing they have been outsmarted, and the target is not present.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more character-specific
  • Emotional depth could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a strong sense of tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation in a residential building is intriguing and well-developed, adding depth to the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with the introduction of new conflicts and the escalation of the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar crime genre setting but adds unique elements like the use of technology and unexpected twists in the plot. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward, but there could be more depth to their motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development, particularly in the actions of the agents, but more could be done to show internal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to successfully complete the mission without any casualties. This reflects their desire for professionalism and efficiency in their criminal activities.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to locate and retrieve a valuable item from the target's apartment. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the action forward, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unexpected challenges and obstacles that add to the suspense and tension. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the agents risking exposure and the safety of the target hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the plot, such as the reveal of the phone taped to the baby monitor. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' criminal actions and the moral implications of their behavior. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of fear and tension, but could delve deeper into the emotional stakes of the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension, but could be more dynamic and character-specific.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful moments, and unexpected twists. The reader is drawn into the characters' mission and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and adds to the pacing of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action beats and character motivations. It effectively builds tension and suspense throughout.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and objectives. It's not clear why Hicks, Jones, and Davis are breaking into the apartment and what their ultimate goal is.
  • The tension and suspense in the scene could be heightened by providing more context and background information on the characters and their mission.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth, which makes it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and understand their actions.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and detailed to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension in the scene.
  • The transition between the apartment break-in and the police station dispatch area is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Provide clearer exposition on the characters' motives and objectives to enhance the audience's engagement with the scene.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' personalities and intentions, adding depth to their interactions.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and suspenseful atmosphere in the scene.
  • Consider refining the transition between different locations to ensure a seamless flow of the narrative and maintain the audience's interest.



Scene 41 -  Breach and Arrest
INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

HICKS spins and heads for the door. DAVIS hits it first.
He grabs the doorknob and pulls--

--and the knob rips from the door, trailing small wires.

DAVIS
Fuck me!

JONES
What'd you do?

DAVIS
It came off in my hand!

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

TWO SQUAD CARS come rolling up and FOUR COPS get out
and head into the building.

INT. THE APARTMENT

JONES is trying to pry the door open with his fingers.
No use.

TECHNICIAN
(over radio)
Get outa there, guys!

While JONES continues on the door, DAVIS runs to the
window.

Throughout this, HICKS will stand in the middle of the
room and, simply, oddly, stare at the mantle over the
fireplace.

DAVIS
Goddamit!

HICKS smiles...and now he starts laughing a little...

JONES
What's so fuckin' funny?

HICKS motions to a framed picture over the fireplace.

HICKS
It's over. We've been fucked with
our pants on.

The framed picture is of Senator SAM ALBERT and CHRISTA
HAWKINS.

HICKS (CONT'D)
We broke into her condo.
DOOR WOOD EXPLODES inward. The TWO COPS roll in
crouched positions, weapons drawn.

COP #1
POLICE! FREEZE!

HICKS doesn't move, DAVIS freezes like a deer in
headlights, JONES stares with cold, dead eyes.

COP #2
DROP THE WEAPONS! NOW!

Two more COPS arrive. JONES and DAVIS drop their guns.

COP #1
ON THE GROUND! NOW! FACE THE FLOOR!

They do so. COPS THREE and FOUR go room to room making
sure no one else is lurking. In the bedroom, they find
the briefcase. Inside the briefcase--

--listening bugs, installation equipment and
compromising photos of the Senator with Christa.

CHRISTA (O.S.)
Oh my God! What's going on?!

Back in the living room, CHRISTA has walked through the
broken-in apartment door to see JONES, HICKS and DAVIS
lying on the floor at gun point.

COP #2
Ma'am, is this your apartment?

CHRISTA
What happened?!

COP #1
Would you step out in the hallway
for a moment, ma'am.

CHRISTA
Oh God.

COP #2
Please. We'll be right with you.

CHRISTA backs slowly out of the apartment and into--
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary SWAT apprehends three men breaking into Christa Hawkins' apartment, discovering evidence of senator compromise. Christa returns to find her apartment ransacked and her guests arrested.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Twists and turns in the plot
  • Effective use of suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and full of unexpected twists, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation gone wrong, with a clever manipulation by the suspects, is well-executed and adds depth to the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate, with multiple layers of deception and revelation, leading to a climactic moment of discovery and confrontation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist-gone-wrong trope by incorporating elements of political intrigue and personal betrayal. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with distinct reactions to the unfolding events, adding to the tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the unfolding events challenge the characters' beliefs and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the escalating situation and come to terms with the consequences of their actions. It reflects their fear of being caught and the realization that they have been deceived.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid getting arrested and to find a way to explain their presence in the apartment. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with law enforcement and the potential legal repercussions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with opposing forces clashing in a high-stakes situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the presence of law enforcement adding a sense of danger and uncertainty. The characters face difficult obstacles and must navigate a challenging situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and the revelation of compromising evidence.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and escalating the conflict to a critical point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, as well as the characters' unpredictable reactions to the escalating situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of deception, betrayal, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty, trust, and the moral implications of their choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to shock and confusion, keeping the audience emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the urgency and high stakes of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional intensity. The audience is drawn into the characters' predicament and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure, with clear action beats and character interactions that drive the plot forward. It maintains a good pace and builds tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leading to confusion for the audience.
  • The actions of the characters are not well motivated or explained, making their behavior seem random.
  • There is a lack of tension and suspense in the scene, which is crucial for a dramatic moment like a police raid.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters making unrealistic statements and reactions.
  • The visual elements are not effectively utilized to create a sense of urgency or danger.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objective of the characters in the scene to give it a clear direction and purpose.
  • Provide more context for the actions of the characters to make their behavior more believable and logical.
  • Build tension and suspense by creating a sense of danger and urgency throughout the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more realistic and reflective of how the characters would actually speak in such a situation.
  • Enhance the visual elements to effectively convey the intensity of a police raid and the high stakes involved.



Scene 42 -  Confrontation and Condemnation
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

CHRISTA holds her hand over her mouth and is shaking. A
VOICE comes from an alcove...

VOICE (O.S.)
Christa?
She turns. DEAN steps out from the alcove.

DEAN (CONT'D)
You got a second?

CHRISTA
Who are you?

DEAN
My name's Robert Dean.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET IN CHEVY CHASE - NIGHT

An up-scale neighborhood. Two inexpensive cars that
don't seem to belong there sit in front of a large home.

INT. SENATOR ALBERT'S PRIVATE STUDY - CONTINUOUS

DEAN sits with a drink in his hand. Across from him are
CHRISTA and PATRICK.

They sit in uncomfortable silence for a moment before
SENATOR ALBERT enters in bathrobe and pajamas.

ALBERT
I understand we have a problem.

PATRICK
Senator--

CHRISTA
Senator, there were some things I
couldn't tell you over the phone.

ALBERT
What kinds of things?

PATRICK
Mr. Dean has a video tape from the
hotel room in Boston.

ALBERT
(pause)
I see.

DEAN
It's actually DH-1 Digitech
Pinpoint scanning with a frequency
modulator.

ALBERT
I don't know what that means.

DEAN
Me neither, but the upshot is I've
got color live-action footage of
you and Ms Hawkins and it doesn't
look good.

ALBERT
So...how much money do you want in
exchange for not ruining my life?

DEAN
I don't want any money. And believe
me, I have no interest in ruining
your life. I'm not interested in
this tape.

ALBERT
You're not.

PATRICK
Then what do you want from the Senator?

DEAN
I want him to look at a different
tape. People have been killed.
Lives have been ruined.
(DEAN takes the computer
chip from his pocket)
Senator, I want you to look at this.
And I want you to bring the fury of
God himself upon this man.

DEAN tosses the chip to ALBERT.

INT. REYNOLDS BEDROOM - NIGHT

REYNOLDS is asleep when the PHONE wakes him up. Once
again, he reaches for his scrambled phone heads into
the bathroom.

After waiting for the signal that the line's clear...

REYNOLDS
Yeah.

TECHNICIAN (O.S.)
Sir, we've just intercepted an FBI
communication.

REYNOLDS
(into phone)
Well...what is it?

TECHNICIAN (O.S.)
Well, sir, it seems there's a
warrant out on--

The DOORBELL rings. REYNOLDS is alarmed.

Now there's BANGING at the door and DOORBELL RINGS again.
REYNOLDS WIFE (O.S.)
(from the bedroom)
Who is that, dear?

REYNOLDS snaps the phone shut and goes downstairs to
the door.

When he opens the door he sees TWO FBI AGENTS with
their ID's flapped open and six uniformed POLICEMEN
backing them up.

FBI AGENT
John Reynolds?

REYNOLDS
What the hell--

FBI AGENT
You're under arrest. You have the
right to remain silent. Anything
you say--

REYNOLDS WIFE (O.S.)
(from upstairs)
Honey...?

INT. DEAN'S STREET - MORNING

A PAPERBOY tosses a newspaper at the Dean's door.

SENATOR ALBERT (O.S.)
Privacy and the right to privacy is
an inalienable right.

INT. DEAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Stacy has C-SPAN on the TV while she makes breakfast
for ERIC. SENATOR ALBERT is addressing the SENATE.

ERIC
These guys are always making speeches.

STACY
It's an important speech, Eric.
There's gonna be a vote today.

SENATOR ALBERT
(on TV)
Today we face a threat to that
creed. Certain individuals in our
intelligence community believe
they're entitled to examine lives
in minute detail, and claim to do
it in the name of the common good.

ERIC
If they're voting today, hasn't
everyone pretty much made up their
minds.

STACY
Actually, this man appears to have
changed his mind dramatically.

ERIC
Why?

VOICE (O.S.)
He saw the light, my son.

ERIC and STACY whip around--

ERIC
Dad!

STACY and ERIC run to DEAN...

STACY
Is it over?

DEAN
It's over.

ERIC
How long can you stay?

DEAN
I'm not goin' anywhere, Eric. I
live here.

ERIC and DEAN hug.

STACY
Get ready for school, you're gonna
be late.

ERIC
Is it okay to use the phone now?

DEAN
It's okay to use the phone.

ERIC
Alright!

DEAN
No "900" numbers.

But ERIC has disappeared up the stairs...

STACY
It's really over?
DEAN
Albert's gonna get me my job back.

STACY
(pause)
I'm sorry about Rachel.

DEAN
Yeah.
(beat)
I wish you could've met...

STACY
Who?

DEAN
A friend of mine. I don't know his
real name. He's dead now.

STACY
You did good.

STACY points to the TV and DEAN watches for a moment...

ALBERT
(on TV)
I've lived through the dark ages of
Hoover's Watch-List and McCarthy's
Witch Hunts - men who used moral
crusades, fired by fear, to lay
waste to our freedoms.

STACY
C'mon upstairs. I've got a
Christmas present from Harrison's I
want to show you.

DEAN arrives as STACY takes him by the arm. They head
upstairs as ALBERT continues on...

ALBERT
(on TV)
Our intelligence communities
presently monitor our phones,
computers, financial transactions,
medical histories...all this and
more. Some of you may say, "Fine.
I'm not a criminal and I have
nothing to hide." Well God forbid
we ever edge to tyranny. God forbid
George Orwell's version of America
becomes a reality. We are that close.

ALBERT's speech continues as we...

ROLL END CREDITS.
FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Dean confronts Senator Albert with evidence of illicit activity, leading to Albert's agreement to investigate further. FBI agents arrest Reynolds, while Albert delivers a speech in the Senate denouncing government surveillance and privacy violations.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High emotional impact
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Intricate plot development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Certain plot points may require prior knowledge of the story

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of suspense, drama, and emotional depth that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The revelation of the video tape and the subsequent confrontation between characters adds a layer of complexity and tension to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing incriminating evidence through a video tape and using it to confront a powerful figure is compelling and well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and tension coming to a head in this scene. The revelation of the video tape and the confrontation with Senator Albert propel the story towards its climax.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of power, corruption, and justice, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear in this scene. Dean's determination to bring justice and Senator Albert's realization of the consequences of his actions add depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 8

Both Dean and Senator Albert undergo significant changes in this scene. Dean's determination to seek justice and Senator Albert's realization of the consequences of his actions mark important character developments that drive the story forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice and redemption for past wrongs. Dean wants to expose the truth and bring those responsible to justice, reflecting his deeper desire for righteousness and integrity.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Senator Albert to take action against a corrupt individual. Dean wants the Senator to watch a video and bring justice to those who have been wronged.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with personal, ethical, and moral dilemmas coming to a head. The confrontation between characters raises the stakes and drives the narrative towards a resolution.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing personal, ethical, and moral dilemmas that could have far-reaching consequences. The revelation of the video tape and the confrontation with Senator Albert raise the stakes and add urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with key revelations, confrontations, and character developments that set the stage for the climax. It propels the narrative towards its resolution and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, corruption, and morality. Dean challenges Senator Albert's beliefs and values by urging him to take a stand against injustice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, revelation, and catharsis that resonate with the audience. The characters' emotional journeys and the stakes involved create a powerful and engaging experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the tension and emotion of the scene effectively. The exchanges between the characters reveal their inner conflicts and drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Christa's shock to Dean's introduction, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Dean and Senator Albert feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow, making it less engaging for the viewers.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details, making it difficult for the audience to fully immerse themselves in the setting and characters.
  • The resolution of Reynolds' arrest feels rushed and lacks buildup, diminishing the impact of the moment.
  • The ending with Dean's family feels somewhat cliched and predictable, lacking a unique or memorable conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Christa's reaction and Dean's introduction to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Dean and Senator Albert more natural and engaging to captivate the audience.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions and details in the scene to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the viewers.
  • Build up the tension and stakes leading to Reynolds' arrest to make the moment more impactful and suspenseful.
  • Try to add a unique or unexpected twist to the ending with Dean's family to make it more memorable and emotionally resonant.