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Scene 1 -  Labyrinth
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
LABYRINTH

by

Terry Jones
FADE IN ON:


EXT. SKY – DAY

A WHITE BIRD soaring. The sky is a glorious explosion of blue and
mauve and lavender. The setting sun washes the clouds with a
delicate pink tint. The bird swoops and spirals and we are right
there with him. Then suddenly, below us, an extraordinary sight
appears.


EXT. LABYRINTH – DAY

It is the labyrinth, an enormous maze of incredible mandala like
intricacy. From our magnificent vantage point, WE ARE BARELY ABLE TO
MAKE OUT its details: the twisting walls interrupted here and there
by lush forest, the complex web of waterways, the forbidding castle
at the core. It is vast and magical, frightening and compelling at
the same time. We would love to linger, perhaps fly lower and get a
better look at this wondrous place, but the bird flies on


EXT. GLADE – DAY

It is an idyllic setting, warm and inviting. The late afternoon sun
washes everything with a pink glow. Between the water and a line of
lush fruit trees is a flower-strewn glade. A FIGURE emerges from the
trees and walks toward the water. It is a YOUNG WOMAN dressed in a
flowing white dress that swirls around her in the breeze. The pink
light burnishes her hair and causes a gold circlet she wears on her
head to glow. She is breathtaking, a vision of innocence and grace.
She stops to pick a flower and then turns suddenly as if she has
heard something.

GIRL
Is it you?

She takes a few hurried steps and then stops, smiling shyly

GIRL
Your Highness!

The Girl curtsies deeply and then looks up through lowered lashes,
the shy smile still dancing on her lips. And then WE PULL BACK TO
REVEAL a crown perched on a head of tight curls. WE ARE LOOKING
THROUGH the crown at the girl as she rises slowly, then looks boldly
at the PRINCE.

GIRL
Do not be swayed by my pleasure at the sight
of you, my lord. For though my father, the
Duke, has promised you my hand, I cannot
consent to be yours until the evil that
stalks our land from highest hill to deepest
dale is...

Suddenly the Girl stops speaking, a look of stunned confusion on her
face.
GIRL
... from highest hill to deepest dale...
(her brow furrows in
concentration and then)
Damn!

She burrows one hand into the deep sleeve of her gown and pulls out
a
rolled-up soft-cover book. She rifles through the pages.

The Prince is not a Prince at all, but a SHEEPDOG wearing a tin foil
crown. He thinks his work is over and it's time to play and he
lunges happily towards the Girl who isn't a Prince ss or even a
duchess, but 15-year-old SARAH.

Sarah is knocked over by the playful Dog. Beneath the gown which WE
CAN NOW SEE is homemade and not very grand at all, WE SEE faded
jeans and running shoes.

SARAH
Get off me, you monster!!

The Dog grabs the book out of her hand and runs away with it, hoping
to be chased. Sarah doesn't follow, she just sits up and pulls the
grass out of her tangled hair and sighs with frustration. The Dog
comes back over to Sarah, its tail wagging hopefully.

SARAH
If you value your mangy life, Merlin, you'll
hand it over.

The Dog obediently drops the book.


THE BOOK

On the cover it says, "MEANDER'S QUEEN" a play in three acts by
Robin Zakar. Sarah reaches for it and we hear a clock tower begin to
chime.

Sarah leaps to her feet.

SARAH
Oh no, Merlin! We're really late! Why does
everything have to happen to me!!!?

MERLIN prances around her happily, his foil crown in his mouth.
Sarah pulls it out of his mouth and throws it in a nearby trash
basket. He rushes after it and peers into the basket, wanting to
fetch.

SARAH
It's all your fault, you miserable mutt!!

She hikes up her dress and runs into the trees. Merlin whimpers and
tags along behind her.
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TREES – DAY

Sarah comes bursting through the trees and runs down a hill toward
the street. WE PULL BACK and WE CAN SEE an enormous steel mill on
the other side of the river. And now WE NOTICE that the light isn't
pink any more but sort of dull and hazy, and the idyllic glade is
barely a suburban park, and this is just an ordinary day in a very
ordinary place.


EXT. AN OLD RAMBLING HOUSE – DUSK

Sarah runs up a path to an older, rambling house. She goes through
the front door, Merlin hot on her heels, and neither one of them
sees the beautiful snow-white bird that lands in a tree beside the
path.


INT. INSIDE THE ROUSE – EVENING

Sarah bursts through the front door and makes a beeline for the
stairs. She almost makes it. SARAH'S MOTHER appears in the hallway.

MOTHER
Sarah, where have you been?!!!

Sarah abruptly stops and changes to an elegantly graceful ascension
of the stairs.

SARAH
(in an affected voice)
I can't talk to you now. I'm in rehearsal.

She continues grandly on and heads for her room.

MOTHER
You were supposed to be home an hour ago to
baby-sit for Freddie! Don't we at least
deserve an explanation?

Sarah stops and leans over the railing. She speaks with a
melodramatic solemnity.

SARAH
As Meander's Queen, I've been... meandering.
Dither me not about explanations.

With that she turns and heads for her room. On the door is a sign
that says: "Admittance by Invitation Only." SARAH'S FATHER comes
into the hall.

FATHER
What's that all about?

MOTHER
It's a part in a play,
(raising her voice)
... but that's no reason to...

Sarah turns in her doorway. She calls down.
SARAH
Chasten not your Queen, Peasant!

She dramatically sweeps into her room.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary A teenage girl reciting lines from a play about a queen must navigate the real-world responsibilities of babysitting her younger brother while her parents argue over her behavior.
Strengths "Whimsical dialogue and endearing characterizations."
Weaknesses "Lack of clear plot direction and high stakes."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

The opening shot of the scene sets a beautiful visual tone, but the transition from the sky to the labyrinth is a bit jarring. The description of the labyrinth is detailed but could be improved by adding more sensory language to accompany the visual description. The introduction of the characters is well-paced, with the reveal of the sheepdog wearing a crown adding a humorous twist to the scene. However, the sudden transition from a fantasy world to an ordinary suburban setting comes as a bit of a shock, and could be handled more smoothly.

The dialogue is functional but lacks depth and complexity. The interactions between the characters feel stilted and overly melodramatic, with speech that does not feel natural or true to life. There is also a lack of clarity in terms of who the characters are and what their relationships to each other may be. While the scene sets up an interesting premise, it feels disjointed and lacking in emotional engagement.

Overall, the scene could benefit from stronger character development and more dynamic interactions between the characters. Additionally, more attention could be paid to the visual and sensory elements of the story, to create a more immersive experience for the viewer.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to establish Sarah's character and background in a clearer way. Right now, we only see her as a young girl playing pretend and running late, but we don't know much else about her.

Another suggestion would be to create more visually interesting shots and use more dynamic camera angles to make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Finally, it may be helpful to better connect the opening scene of the labyrinth with the rest of the story and establish how it relates to Sarah's journey. Right now, it feels like a disconnected and unrelated visual sequence.



Scene 2 -  Sarah's Nighttime Babysitting
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah slams the door and leans against it, playing the scene.

FATHER (V.O.)
Sarah, that's no way to talk to your mother!

SARAH
(mumbles to herself)
She's not my mother.

Sarah takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She can hear
footsteps and SOMEONE comes to the other side of the door.

Sarah ignores her STEPMOTHER and kicks off her running shoes.

With a practiced gesture Sarah removes her jeans while leaving her
gown in place.

STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
Sarah, when I tell you to be home at five, I
expect you to be home at five.

Sarah quickly shifts to her Stepmother's attitude – hands on hips,
and silently mimes her words.

SARAH
Yes, Madame!


INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

STEPMOTHER
And don't "Yes Madame" me!

FATHER
Is she all right?

STEPMOTHER
(frustrated)
Of course she's all right! I left the
Bernsteins' number on the kitchen table...
Freddie might be coming down with a cold so
call us if he seems even the least bit
uncomfortable...

SARAH (V.O.)
(sighs)
Yes, Mother.

STEPMOTHER
Oh! I give up!

She hurries down the stairs.
FATHER
We'll see you later, baby. And remember...


INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah speaks along with him, mimicking.

SARAH & FATHER (V.O.)
Don't open the door to strangers.

We hear him leave. Sarah waits a beat and then turns and opens her
bedroom door.

SARAH
And don't call me baby!
(she slams the door shut;
mimicking her parents)
Precious little Freddie might be coming down
with a cold...

She sighs and looks around. This is really her world, her retreat,
and she knows and controls every inch of it. The shelves are filled
with an orderly array of childhood dolls and toys. The books are
lined up neatly in the bookcase and if we could see them up close we
would see that they were placed in alphabetical order – and
according to the year they were acquired. She walks over to her
dresser. She checks herself out in the mirror above the chest of
drawers and adjusts the golden circlet which has been knocked askew
by her run. She then stops for a moment and looks at the photographs
on the dresser. One of her Father, her Mother and herself as a
Little Girl. Another picture of her Mother in a newspaper clipping
is taped to the mirror. The headline says, "Linda Williams a Smash
in New Play." A cover of a Playbill is also tacked on to the mirror.
It says Best of Both Worlds starring Linda Williams. Sarah then
reverently opens a music box – the kind with a twirling dancer
inside – and to the strains of an unbearably tinny version of
"Greensleeves" she begins to rehearse.

SARAH
Do not be swayed by my pleasure at the sight
of you, my Lord...

Suddenly, something stops her cold.

SARAH
(yelling angrily)
Someone has been in my room!

Through the mirror WE SEE what she sees: an empty space on one of
the shelves. She swirls around and rushes out the door.


INT. THE HALLWAY – NIGHT

Sarah bursts out of her room.

SARAH
Where's Lancelot?
She stomps down the hallway.

SARAH
Where's my bear?!!


INT. NURSERY – NIGHT

Sarah enters Freddie's room. She searches the nursery.

SARAH
Nobody listens to a thing I say.

She opens a toy box and rifles through it.

SARAH
How many times have I told them to stay out
of my room...

She gets to the crib and looks down. FREDDIE is wide awake, gurgling
at Lancelot, Sarah's tattered old teddy bear.

SARAH
And you, you can just give me back my bear!

She yanks it out of the crib and leaves. Freddie looks hurt and his
face starts to cloud up.


INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah is curled up on her bed, cuddling her bear. Merlin sits beside
her. She looks at the dog.

SARAH
You're the only one who understands me,
Merlin.

He licks her face. She gets up and holds the bear out in front of
her.

SARAH
Do not be swayed by my pleasure at the sight
of you, my lord...

She is interrupted by Freddie's cries.

SARAH
Go to sleep, Freddie!

The cries get louder. Sarah sighs and repeats her favorite litany.

SARAH
Why does everything have to happen to me?
Genres: []

Summary Sarah, frustrated by her parents' arguing and responsibilities of babysitting her younger brother, navigates her way through a rehearsal of a play and a search for her missing teddy bear.
Strengths
  • Clear conflict between Sarah and her stepmother
  • Effective use of props to establish Sarah's personality and attention to detail
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear plot development
  • Dialogue and character interactions could be more engaging
Critique This scene seems to be lifted from the middle of a larger story, as there are some events and references mentioned that are unclear without additional context. As a standalone scene, there is not a clear objective or conflict established for the protagonist, Sarah. She seems frustrated with her Stepmother, but this is not explored or developed beyond a brief back and forth dialogue exchange. The discovery that someone has been in her room and her missing teddy bear could potentially create a sense of mystery or urgency, but the scene abruptly ends before any further action can be taken. Additionally, the characters of the father and stepmother are not well-developed and seem to serve as background noise rather than contributing to the scene's overall conflict or resolution.

Overall, this scene could benefit from more focused character objectives and a stronger sense of conflict and resolution.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more visual descriptions: While the dialogue in this scene is good, there isn't much in terms of visual descriptions. Screenplays are visual mediums, so it's important to include enough detail to help the reader visualize what's happening. For example, include more detail on the setting, such as the color of the walls, the decor, etc. Also, describe Sarah's facial expressions and body language when she's speaking.

2. Develop the characters: The characters in this scene are a bit one-dimensional. We don't know much about Sarah or her stepmother, except that they don't get along. It would be helpful to give more backstory on their relationship and why they have conflicts. The father doesn't really have much of a role in this scene either, so he could be developed more to add more depth to the family dynamic.

3. Improve the pacing: The scene feels a bit slow in terms of pacing. One way to improve this would be to add more action or movement. For example, Sarah could be pacing around the room or doing something physical to express her frustration. Additionally, the dialogue could be condensed or reworked to make it more concise and impactful.

4. Show, don't tell: In some places, the dialogue is a bit on the nose. For example, when Sarah says "She's not my mother," it's a bit obvious that she has issues with her stepmother. It would be better to show this through actions or reactions instead of telling the audience directly. For example, show Sarah rolling her eyes or crossing her arms when her stepmother speaks to her.

5. Increase the stakes: Right now, the conflict in the scene feels a bit low-stakes. Sarah is frustrated with her stepmother and can't find her teddy bear. To make the scene more engaging, it would be helpful to increase the stakes and make the conflict more urgent. For example, maybe Sarah needs her teddy bear for a specific reason, like to help her sleep or to calm her anxiety. This would make her search for the bear more impactful and raise the tension in the scene.



Scene 3 -  Rehearsal Interrupted
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. NURSERY – NIGHT

Sarah enters and approaches the howling infant.

SARAH
I don't need this.

She pulls the blanket up over him and attempts to tuck him in.

SARAH
There, isn't that nice...

But Freddie doesn't think so. He pushes the blanket off and howls
even louder. Sarah sees one of his toys on the floor and picks it up
and gives it to him. She speaks through gritted teeth.

SARAH
Want your nice toy?

But Freddie doesn't. He flings the toy across the room. Sarah bends
over the crib and speaks softly.

SARAH
You know, Freddie, I heard that the only
thing to do with a baby who won't stop crying
is to get some goblins to come over and teach
him a lesson...

Freddie lowers his screams to a whimper, but a loud whimper.

SARAH
How would you like that, kid? A nasty evil
goblin...

Freddie is quiet for a moment, almost as if he is considering. Then
he really howls. Sarah sighs and picks him up. She begins to pace
back and forth, and starts to hum. Freddie goes back to a mere
whimper.

SARAH
Oh, you like that, do you?

She begins to hum even louder and more melodically as she places the
baby back into the crib. She then begins one of the moat macabre
lullabies you could ever imagine. She sings of how scary the dark
is, how "the shadows on the wall like to eat you when you're small"
and how "a baby doesn't stand a chance when the Goblins start their
dance." She throws herself into her performance; adding to it a wild
dance that has her whirling around the room, leaping into the air,
making strange shadows on the wall. Finally, the dance ends when too
many crazed pirouettes result in her stumbling against Freddie's
dresser. She staggers a bit and then the lights blink as a crack of
thunder is heard, followed by a flash of lightning.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Little Freddie is wailing. He hasn't understood a thing that Sarah
has sung but he can sense that something is wrong.
SARAH
Ah, c'mon, Freddie. It was just a song.

They are interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Sarah reacts with
a gasp of surprise. Freddie, for some inexplicable reason, is
suddenly quiet.


INT. FOYER – NIGHT

Sarah approaches the front door with some trepidation. She starts to
open it, then realizes what she is doing. She fastens the chain and
only then opens the door.


EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

SARAH'S POV

Through the door opening Sarah can see a very elegantly dressed,
quite good-looking MAN of an indeterminate age. He has a worldly
air, or is it other-worldly? Before he can speak a flash of
lightning illuminates his face. He is a mesmerizing sight and Sarah
can't help but gawk.

MAN
Excuse me, is this the home of Sarah
Williams... Sarah Williams, the actress?

Sarah's jaw drops.

SARAH
That's me.

MAN
Allow me to introduce myself...
(he holds out his hand)
I'm Robin Zaker.

Sarah squeals with delight.

SARAH
You wrote the play!

He smiles.

SARAH
Just a second.


INT. FOYER – NIGHT

Sarah's hand hesitates over the chain for just a moment, and then
she unfastens it and opens the door. Zakar enters and extends his
hand.

ZAKAR
It is an honour, Miss Williams. I understand
you make a delightful Queen Meander.
SARAH
Well, we've just started rehearsal, but how
did you know?

ZAKAR
I was passing through this part of the
country and heard that it was going to be
done here. This is the first amateur
production of the play, which of course is
delightful for me.

SARAH
You know we were supposed to open tonight,
but we got delayed. The firemen had to use
the hall.

ZAKAR
Yes, I know, that's why I wanted to stop by
to see you.

They are interrupted by a particularly loud crash from upstairs. And
then Freddie begins to howl.

SARAH
That's my brother...

There is another crash and Sarah starts up the stairs.

SARAH
I'll be right back!

Zakar watches her run up the stairs. He glances around and then
walks right to the liquor cabinet and takes out a bottle.


INT. NURSERY – NIGHT

Freddie in standing in his crib crying his eyes out. Sarah rushes in
and sees that the storm has blown open the basement window and it is
crashing against the wall. She rushes to close it. Freddie's screams
are piteous.

SARAH
Oh, Freddie...

There is more thunder, and then lightning flashes across the
darkened room.

ZAKAR (V.O.)
Perhaps I can soothe him...

Sarah gasps and whirls around. Zakar is framed in the doorway. He
has a drink in his hand. Sarah holds the baby close.

SARAH
You shouldn't be up here!

ZAKAR
(smoothly)
I just wanted to help...
Sarah rushes by him, still clutching the baby.
Genres: ["drama","horror"]

Summary Sarah tries to soothe her crying baby brother during a storm while a famous playwright unexpectedly arrives at her doorstep.
Strengths "Tense atmosphere and vivid, descriptive language. Strong character dynamics and dialogue."
Weaknesses "Some clich\u00e9 horror elements and underdeveloped character arcs."
Critique
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are my suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's not clear what the main objective of the scene is. Is it to establish Sarah's relationship with her baby brother, to show her talent as a performer, or to introduce the character of Robin Zaker? A clear objective will make the scene more focused.

2. Make the dialogue more natural: Some of the dialogue feels forced and unnatural, like when Sarah suggests getting goblins to teach the baby a lesson. Making the dialogue more realistic will make the scene more engaging.

3. Establish the tone: The scene shifts abruptly from a comedic situation (Sarah singing a macabre lullaby) to a more dramatic tension (Zakar intruding and offering help). Establishing a consistent tone will make the scene more cohesive.

4. Create more conflict: The scene lacks a clear conflict that will keep the audience engaged. Adding more tension, like making Zakar's intentions less clear or having Sarah disagree with him, will make the scene more interesting.

5. Add visual interest: The majority of the scene takes place in a single location, which can make it visually dull. Adding more dynamic shots or changing the location will make the scene more visually interesting.



Scene 4 -  Jareth, King of the Goblins
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Sarah comes out of the nursery and hurries down the stairs. Zakar
follows. Freddie is still crying.

SARAH
Maybe you'd better leave...

She gets to the bottom of the stairs. Freddie whimpers. Zakar is
making her very nervous.

SARAH
... I, uh, don't think I care to talk to you
about the play.

He is right behind her, almost too close.

ZAKAR
Neither do I.

Sarah is shocked and disturbed by this.

SARAH
What!

Zakar reaches over and smoothes Freddie's hair.

ZAKAR
I'm more concerned about the baby, of course.

Sarah pulls Freddie out of his reach.

SARAH
Freddie's just fine.

But he isn't. He's still crying. Zakar reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a coin. Be runs it over his fingers right in front of
Freddie's face. The baby stops crying.

ZAKAR
There, isn't that better?

SARAH
(nervously)
Uh, sure... but you really have to leave...

Zakar ignores her and heads into the living room.

ZAKAR
I'm not just a playwright, as you can see...
bring him in here and I'll do some other
tricks for him...

SARAH
No! You've got to...
But he is already in the living room. She follows, still holding the
baby.


INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Zakar is sitting on the sofa, looking very comfortable. Sarah stands
in the doorway, not sure what to do. Reluctantly, she goes and sits
down across from him.

ZAKAR
Now watch this, Freddie...

He reaches into his breast pocket and tugs on the handkerchief
there. It comes out followed by many others, all different colours.
Sarah rolls her eyes. This is not that exciting a trick. Freddie
isn't impressed, either. In fact he starts to cry again.

ZAKAR
So you're going to be like that, are you,
Freddie? Well, you know what that means?

He leans across the table and Sarah pulls the baby closer.

ZAKAR
It's time to call the goblins!

SARAH
What?!!

Sarah is surprised to hear this, to say the least. It echoes her
silly threat to Freddie earlier.

ZAKAR
Yes. That's what we do with bad babies... we
send for the goblins!!

And with that he reaches into yet another pocket and pulls out a
poorly made, very silly-looking goblin hand puppet. Sarah laughs
with relief. Zakar, his hand in the puppet, talks in a high-pitched,
unconvincing goblin voice.

ZAKAR
You like goblins, don't'cha, Freddie?
(singsong)
But I bet your sister doesn't...

Sarah rolls her eyes at this, and then gasps. Because for one very
strange moment, the puppet keeps bouncing, but both of Zakar's hands
are visible! And then the puppet seems to move away from the table,
and disappear! Freddie claps his hands with delight. Sarah jumps out
of her chair.

SARAH
Where is it?!!!

Zakar points to a large cabinet against the wall.

ZAKAR
It's in there.
SARAH
Impossible!

ZAKAR
See for yourself.

Sarah hesitates for a moment, and then places Freddie carefully on
the rug. She then marches over to the cabinet and throws open the
door.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The puppet, grinning wildly from inside the cabinet.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah gasps and involuntarily slams the door. She whirls around to
face Zakar.

SARAH
How did you do that?!!

Zakar leans back into the sofa.

ZAKAR
Magic.

SARAH
Oh sure...

She nods, skeptically. She can't see – but WE CAN DEFINITELY SEE –
the cabinet door slowly open behind her, and out of it comes a tiny,
fierce-looking GOBLIN! This is not a puppet, but a living creature
that moves quickly out of sight with an exaggerated tiptoe. Sarah is
busy with another problem. She doesn't see Freddie!

SARAH
Where's Freddie?!!

Zakar shrugs. In a panic, Sarah begins to look around this room. She
calls for Freddie and, as she passes in front of the living room
doorway, WE CAN SEE something scurry across the hallway. Sarah stops
and listens.

SARAH
Freddie?

But it wasn't a baby she heard. Behind her there is more scurrying
as CREATURES begin to appear from various parts of the room. We hear
faint snickering. She turns to Zakar, terrified.

SARAH
Where is he?!!

Zakar points to the chair Sarah was sitting in. She is behind the
chair and can't see anything. But when she comes around in front of
it she sees Freddie comfortably ensconced in the cushions. And he's
playing with the goblin puppet! Sarah reaches over and grabs the
puppet out of his hands. She flings it across the room and scoops up
the baby.

SARAH
Who are you?!!!

Zakar throws back his head and laughs, then suddenly leaps off the
sofa and lands very close to her.

ZAKAR
I've been known by many names... but the one
I prefer is Jareth, King of the Goblins!!!

Sarah holds Freddie close and backs away.

SARAH
I don't believe this!

Amidst thunder and lightning Jareth flings his arms up into the air,
and he is suddenly dressed in strange, medieval garb, a cloak
swirling around him. And what's worse, much, much worse, is that
suddenly GOBLINS are everywhere! Popping out of drawers, from under
chairs, swinging off the chandeliers. Sarah turns and runs out of
the room.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Sarah is babysitting her brother during a storm while rehearsing a play, and a famous playwright unexpectedly arrives at her doorstep. The playwright, who claims to be Jareth, King of the Goblins, performs magic tricks to entertain her brother. But things take a strange turn when goblins begin to appear in the room, and Jareth reveals his true identity.
Strengths "The tension and suspense build effectively throughout the scene, and the introduction of fantastical elements raises the stakes of the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue and character development are somewhat lacking, and some of the plot points feel contrived (such as the sudden appearance of goblins)."
Critique Overall, this scene is engaging and has a clear escalation of tension. However, there are a few issues that could be improved upon. First, the dialogue could use some work, as it feels somewhat clunky and unrealistic at times. Additionally, there could be some more visual elements to the scene to make it feel more immersive. Finally, the ending could use some reworking, as the sudden appearance of goblins feels somewhat jarring and unearned. Overall though, with some tweaks and revisions, this could be a strong and compelling scene.
Suggestions My suggestions to improve this scene would be:
1. Use more descriptive language to create a sense of tension and suspense as the scene progresses.
2. Add more clarity to the visual representation of the goblins making an appearance in the room. It’s a key element in the story, and it could benefit from a clearer presentation.
3. Consider adding more emotions to Sarah’s character. This will help the audience empathize with her and worry about her safety, making the scene more engaging.
4. Another idea would be to add some backstory about Jareth, the king of the goblins. This could help generate more interest in his character and make the scene more meaningfully informed.



Scene 5 -  The GoblinKing's Trickery
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FOYER – NIGHT

It's worse in here! The Goblins are pouring down the stairs, some
slide down the bannister! Sarah tries running into another room, but
is soon back, followed by a DOZEN MORE! She barely makes it to the
front door and struggles to open it with the baby in her arms. The
Goblins pull her back and laugh wildly. They fling her right into
Jareth's arms. He scoops Freddie up and whirls away from her. Sarah
tries to grab the baby back but the Goblins get between them.

SARAH
(hysterical)
Give him back, you monster! Give him back!

Jareth only laughs and starts to swirl gracefully. Freddie laughs
with delight and Sarah struggles to reach him. With a superhuman
effort she pushes through the mass of creatures and grabs onto
Jareth's fluttering cloak. It's like being caught up in a whirlwind
of incredible force.

SARAH
(screaming)
I... won't... let... you... take... him!

But it's too late. Sarah's feet leave the ground and she is pulled
with them and the whole mass of Goblins. Jareth and Freddie swirl up
through where the ceiling would have been, up into the blackness.
There's a QUICK MONTAGE OF SHOTS Jareth's laughing face; Sarah,
desperate as her fingers are losing their grip; Freddie, who's
having a great time; Goblins, all gleeful; then – Jareth's garment
pulls out of Sarah's grip. She falls OUT OF FRAME, a silent scream
on her face.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Family","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah, babysitting during a storm and rehearsing for a play, gets a surprise visit from Jareth, the Goblin King, who claims to be a famous playwright. Jareth entertains Sarah's baby brother with magic but things escalate when goblins appear and he reveals his true identity. The goblins overwhelm Sarah and take her brother. She falls out of frame, grasping for him.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict and high stakes in the scene
  • Interesting use of fantasy elements
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue is somewhat cliché
  • Character development is minimal
Critique This scene is well written in terms of the action sequences and character emotions, but it lacks a strong visual description of the environment and the characters. As a viewer, it's hard to visualize the layout of the foyer and the movements of the characters. Adding more visual elements like the furniture, decor, and lighting can enhance the scene and immerse the viewers in the environment. Additionally, there could be more descriptive details about the characters, such as their appearance, expressions, and body language, that can help the viewers connect with them emotionally. Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more sensory details to make it come alive on screen.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to give Sarah more agency and a clear goal. Right now, she is just trying to escape and hold onto her baby, but it would be more interesting if she had a specific plan or tactic to overcome the goblins and get her baby back. Additionally, adding more description of the setting and the goblins would enhance the visual aspects of the scene and make it more engaging for the audience. Finally, adding some dialogue between Jareth and Sarah or between the goblins would add more depth and layering to the scene.



Scene 6 -  Hoggle and Sarah team up
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. LABYRINTH – DAY

A WIDE PEACEFUL SHOT

The sky is pink, and the white bird swoops by us as WE TILT DOWN TO
SEE the exterior wall of the labyrinth. It is a high masonry wall
that extends off in either direction. Along the wall are various
ornamental bushes and there is a small figure of a dwarf, his back
to us, peeing into a tiny pond. It looks for all the world like one
of those ornamental garden sculptures. But it isn't. This is HOGGLE.
In a CLOSER SHOT, which is quite discreet, Hoggle finishes peeing,
and goes over to a particularly lush shrub. A few butterfly-like
creatures, flower fairies, flit around the bushes.

HOGGLE
An' how's me pride an' joy!

He leans forward to sniff one of the magnificent blossoms, sighing
with pleasure as he does. But before he can indulge he is stopped by
the whistling sound of a falling object. Sarah falls from the sky
and lands right on his prize shrub! Incensed, he screams with fury.

HOGGLE
What is this? Look what you done! You
murderer!

Sarah struggles out of the broken shrub.

SARAH
What are you saying, you horrible little
man?!

HOGGLE
I ain't horrible, I'm Hoggle. And just look!
You've destroyed me prize blossoms!

He realizes the extent of the damage to his prize specimen.

HOGGLE
I'll get ya for it, you big oaf!

And he picks up a spray can and goes after Sarah. But she's had
enough. After the nightmarish kidnapping of Freddie and a drop from
the deepest space, this guy is child's play. She reaches out and
pulls the can from Hoggle's hands. She then grabs him by the shirt-
front and practically lifts him off the ground.

SARAH
Oh no you don't! If anyone's getting anything
around here, it's me... now where' my
brother?!!

HOGGLE
I ain't sayin' nothin' 'til ye let me go!

Sarah sighs and lets go.

SARAH
I'm sorry. But this just hasn't been my day.
Hoggle looks at his crushed shrub again.

HOGGLE
Ye ain't the only one.

Sarah ignores him and stares at the massive wall behind them.

SARAH
And I don't understand any of this!

Hoggle shakes his head and sighs.

HOGGLE
Now where have I heard that before.

SARAH
What do you mean?

HOGGLE
I mean, everyone who comes here thinkin' they
can make it through the labyrinth says
sumthin' like...
(mimicking Sarah in a
whiny, high pitch)
... I don't understand this, whatever am I
doing here, how will I ever get home...

SARAH
What makes you think I'm here to get through
a labyrinth?

Hoggle shakes his head again.

HOGGLE
Can't think of any reason why you'd be
standin' here in front o' this gate if you
weren't.

Sarah doesn't understand what he is talking about but when she looks
up she can't believe her eyes.


ANOTHER ANGLE

A huge gate where just a moment ago there nothing but smooth,
endless wall. Sarah gulps in disbelief. Then the huge wooden doors
fly open and a terrified CREATURE runs out, full speed, screaming
for his life. Right behind him come TWO MENACING GOBLINS riding on
strange BEASTS. They are armed and dangerous looking. They quickly
catch up with the creature and drag him, screaming piteously, back
through the gate. Before the gates close Sarah can see MORE GOBLINS,
what seems like hundreds of them. Some are mounted, most of them are
armed. And beyond them a walled passageway seems to go on forever.
Then the wooden doors slam shut.

SARAH
Oh, no! Not more goblins!
HOGGLE
That's Jareth's goblin army, and that other
poor fool musta been caught meanderin' where
he had no business.

SARAH
What will they do to him?

HOGGLE
I don't like to think about things like that.

Sarah shudders.

SARAH
I wonder if things can get any worse?

Hoggle sighs knowingly.

HOGGLE
He's taken sumthin' o' yours, ain't he?

Sarah is clearly surprised.

HOGGLE
Jareth, our high an' mighty king...

Sarah nods, excited that someone has a grasp of the situation.

HOGGLE
Bet he's gone and taken sumthin' you love.

SARAH
(shrugging)
Close. He's got my baby brother.

Hoggle laughs derisively.

HOGGLE
Baby snatchin'! That's low.

SARAH
So I've just got to do something!

HOGGLE
Like what?

SARAH
Get Freddie back, of course!

HOGGLE
Then ya'd have ta make it through the
labyrinth, 'cause Jareth's castle is at its
very center.

Sarah looks at the gates and gulps.

SARAH
Is it difficult?

Hoggle snorts with derision.
HOGGLE
Is me prize shrub crushed into oblivion?

Sarah is reaching the breaking point.

SARAH
Look, I'm sorry about your bush! But it's not
like I asked to have some weirdo come and
take my baby brother and then drop me out of
the sky!

HOGGLE
Well, I didn't ask for some overgrown flower
fairy to drop on me prized possession,
neither!

SARAH
Oh, this is ridiculous!

And she stalks off to the gate, mumbling all the way.

SARAH
(to herself)
... standing here wasting time talking to
some weird guy who should be living under a
bridge...

She is almost at the gate when she freezes with fear. Through the
gate she can hear the cheers and jeers of the Goblins, and what
might be the wailing of their poor captive. There's no way she wants
to risk facing that horrific crew. Hoggle has come up behind her and
as she backs away from the gate she bumps into him. She shrieks and
whirls around.

HOGGLE
That ain't the only way in, ya know!

Sarah is very relieved to hear this.

SARAH
It's not?!

HOGGLE
Course it ain't. There's many a route in...
just only one way out.

SARAH
Well show me one! I've got to find my
brother!

Hoggle sighs impatiently. Be fingers a belt that he wears, rattling
it in an obvious manner. It in hung with every kind of watch and
bracelet and ring you can imagine.

HOGGLE
Information like that has a price...

Sarah, taken aback by the amount of loot he's acquired.
SARAH
I could give you this...

She takes the gold circlet off her head. Hoggle isn't interested.

HOGGLE
I had sumthin' o' this caliber in mind...

He takes her hand and WE SEE that she is wearing a beautiful ruby
ring. Sarah shakes her head vehemently.

SARAH
No. My mother gave me that.

Hoggle eyes it greedily.

HOGGLE
She could give ya another...

SARAH
No, she couldn't.
(sadness crosses her face
suddenly)
She lives real far away...

The sadness disappears just as suddenly. She holds out the circlet.

SARAH
This is all you get.

He grabs the circlet and bites it.

HOGGLE
Bah! It's paste!

Something catches Sarah's eye. It is one of the tiny FLOWER FAIRIES.
She leans over for a better look.

SARAH
No it's not, it's plastic.

Hoggle's eyes light up at that and he grunts with satisfaction as he
strings the circlet onto his belt. Sarah reaches out her hand to the
Fairy.

SARAH
What a beautiful little thing...

Hoggle reaches for the spray can.

HOGGLE
Let me at it!

Sarah is enraged.

SARAH
You murderer! How can you kill such beautiful
creatures?!!
Just then the Fairy gives Sarah a vicious bite. She shakes it off
her hand and cries out in pain.

SARAH
It bit me!

Hoggle quickly sprays the offending Fairy and it falls to the earth,
screaming all the way.

HOGGLE
Of course it bit ya! There's nuthin' more
vicious than a flower fairy. Any fool knows
that!

Sarah sucks on her wounded hand and tries not to cry.

HOGGLE
(sighs)
But you don't know nuthin', do ya?

A tear trickles down Sarah's cheek. Hoggle sighs.

HOGGLE
I got a feelin' I'm gonna regret this.
(he stalks off)
Come with me an' I'll show ya a way in.

Sarah hurries after him. As they walk along the endless wall Hoggle
looks at the circlet and polishes it on his sleeve.

HOGGLE
(thrilled)
Plastic!
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle team up to find Sarah's brother, who has been taken by Jareth, the Goblin King. They begin their journey through the labyrinth, where they encounter flower fairies and goblins.
Strengths "Whimsical tone paired with elements of danger and adventure make for an exciting scene. Hoggle's character provides comedic relief and helps move the plot forward."
Weaknesses "Although the scene has elements of danger, it is ultimately light-hearted and may not jive well with those looking for more intense conflict."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with good descriptions, clear dialogue, and a sense of humor. The character of Hoggle is intriguing and adds depth to the story. However, there could be more tension and conflict between Sarah and Hoggle to raise the stakes and make the audience more invested in the story. Additionally, the introduction of the goblin army and Jareth's castle could have been hinted at earlier to build anticipation for what is to come. Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some tweaks to increase its impact.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from tighter dialogue and a stronger sense of urgency. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Consider cutting the opening shot of the white bird and pink sky, as it doesn't add much to the story and slows down the pace.
- Rather than having Hoggle and Sarah bicker back and forth about their destroyed shrub and plastic vs. paste, streamline their conversation so that it conveys the necessary information more efficiently. For example, Hoggle could quickly mention that he's seen others try to get through the labyrinth before and it never ends well, and Sarah could offer the circlet as payment without the back-and-forth dialogue.
- Add more tension and stakes to the scene. Right now, Sarah seems to be taking everything in stride and is more concerned with getting her brother back than with the dangerous goblins and their captive. Consider having her react more viscerally to the sounds coming from the gate and the realization that they will be facing those creatures soon.
- Lastly, consider ending the scene on a cliffhanger or some other moment of heightened tension. Right now, the scene fizzles out with Hoggle admiring the plastic circlet, but it could be more effective to end on a note that leaves the audience wondering what will happen next.



Scene 7 -  Entering the Labyrinth
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. LABYRINTH – DAY

Another part of the wall. Hoggle pushes a bush aside and shows Sarah
a tiny door. She looks at it dubiously.

HOGGLE
This'll take ya into the maze, that's the
first part of the labyrinth...

SARAH
The first part! What comes after that?

Hoggle gets down on his knees and starts to crawl through the door.

HOGGLE
Then there's the Garden Maze, then the
Forbidden Forest...

SARAH
That sounds inviting...

He is through the door. He is still talking but Sarah can't hear
him. She quickly tries to follow.
SARAH
Wait! Wait! I can't hear you...


INT. LABYRINTH – DAY

Hoggle is through the door.

HOGGLE
... then comes the castle...

Sarah's head appears.

HOGGLE
... that's surely where Jareth's keepin' the
babe...

He looks down at Sarah, she is through the door to her waist and
straining to get the rest of herself through. Hoggle sighs and grabs
her hand. With a groan he tugs on her and pulls her through the
doorway. She lands flat on her face.

HOGGLE
Ya don't seem ta be able ta do nuthin'
without my help, do ya?

He chuckles and Sarah gives him a look that could kill as she gets
up and dusts herself off. She looks around and the environment seems
rather benign. The brick walls are open to the sky, here and there a
flower peeks through a crack.

SARAH
Oh, I think I can handle it. In fact, this
place doesn't seem so bad at all.

And with that, she jauntily heads down the nearest corridor.


INT. CORRIDOR 1 – DAY

Sarah turns a corner and comes face to face with a FACE. It is huge
and grotesque and protrudes out of the wall.

FACE #1
Go back! Go back before it's too late!

Sarah screams and backs away from it, moving further down the
corridor. She backs into something and whirls around. It is ANOTHER
FACE.

FACE #2
Turn back while you still can!!

Sarah turns and runs back the way she came.

SARAH
Hoggle!
INT. LABYRINTH – DAY

Hoggle is still standing by the door, an amused smile on his face.
Sarah comes rushing toward him.

SARAH
Oh, I'm so glad you're still here! They were
horrible...

HOGGLE
You don't mean the False Alarms, do ya?

He shakes his head and goes off in the direction that Sarah just
came from.

HOGGLE
If ya gonna let a little thing like them
scare ya, Missy, ya haven't a hope o' makin'
it to the castle.

Sarah quickly follows.

SARAH
False alarms?


INT. CORRIDOR 1 – DAY

The corridor of faces. Hoggle enters and the Faces start in on their
routine. Sarah comes up behind him, shuddering at the ghastly sight.

FACE #1
This is the path of no return!

FACE #2
Beware! Beware!

HOGGLE
Just ignore 'em.

SARAH
Are you sure?

Hoggle sighs and turns to the NEXT FACE.

FACE #3
Abandon all hope...

HOGGLE
Oh, shut up, will ya?

Sarah is wide-eyed at Hoggle's defiance.

FACE #3
But I was just getting to the best part!

HOGGLE
All right. But don't expect us to pay any
attention.
FACE #3
(winks at Sarah)
You're going to love this... Abandon all hope
ye who enter here, for this is the road to
destruction!!!

HOGGLE
(bored)
Very nice...

Sarah is dumbstruck. Hoggle takes her hand and yanks her along.

FACE #3
Come back any time... I mean, you're doomed,
doomed!
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle enter the labyrinth, facing different challenges including faces in the walls warning them of the path's dangers.
Strengths "Great introduction to the labyrinth and the different challenges they may face during their journey. The creepy faces in the walls add an element of mystery and tension to the scene."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is a bit on the weaker side in this scene."
Critique The scene effectively introduces the labyrinth as a dangerous place filled with false alarms and grotesque faces. The dialogue between Sarah and Hoggle reveals the various obstacles she must overcome to reach the castle and save the babe. The scene also adds some humor through Hoggle's casual dismissal of the faces and his cheeky attitude towards Sarah. Overall, the scene is well-constructed with clear action and dialogue that moves the story forward. However, it could benefit from some more sensory detail to immerse the audience in the environment and create a more vivid picture of the labyrinth.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more descriptions of the environment to create a sense of place and setting. The labyrinth could be described in more detail, such as the sounds and smells that Sarah experiences.

2. Develop the characters of Sarah and Hoggle more. Give them more dialogue that allows us to understand their personalities and motivations. For example, we could learn more about why Sarah wants to save the baby and what Hoggle's role in the labyrinth is.

3. Make the faces in the corridor more intimidating. The current dialogue from the faces is comical, which detracts from the sense of danger and fear that the scene is supposed to create.

4. Develop the tension between Sarah and Hoggle. The scene could benefit from more conflict between them, such as Sarah becoming frustrated with Hoggle's inability to guide her through the labyrinth effectively.

5. Consider adding more physical action to the scene. The current scene is mostly composed of dialogue, which could be broken up with more physical action like Sarah and Hoggle avoiding traps or escaping danger.



Scene 8 -  Navigating the Labyrinth
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CORRIDOR 2 – DAY

Hoggle and Sarah continuing down a similar corridor.

HOGGLE
Ya see, things aren't always what they appear
to be around here, Missy...

SARAH
(shrugging)
Whatever. All I'm interested in is getting my
brother back from that creep.

She starts to look around for something.

HOGGLE
I admire yer determination, but it takes
more'n that to beat Jareth.

Sarah picks up a rock.

SARAH
Well, maybe I'm beginning to get the hang of
this labyrinth business.

She takes the rock and uses it to mark an X on the floor.

SARAH
See, now I'll know which way we came in case
I get lost.

HOGGLE
(sighs)
Missy, goin' back the way ya came is par fer
the course around here, what ya want to do is
go forward.

SARAH
Look, Hoggle! I've got to find Freddie and I
don't need you to discourage me!
HOGGLE
And I don't need to be wastin' me time goin'
around in circles with you!

SARAH
That's fine with me!
(she starts off)
I know you're only after my ring, anyway!

She turns a corner and Hoggle looks after her, hurt and pity
crossing his face. He takes a few steps in her direction and an
officious little creature, a BRICKKEEPER, emerges from the brickwork
of the floor, takes out the cobblestone that Sarah marked, and
replaces it with the marked side hidden. It looks up at Hoggle.

BRICKKEEPER
Some people got no respect for property!

Hoggle sticks his tongue out at the creature just as it goes back
into its hole.


EXT. AERIAL SHOT – DAY

The white bird flies over the maze and WE SEE Sarah marching along.
She thinks she's going forward but she's heading right for Hoggle.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle continue their quest to find Sarah's brother, but tensions arise as they navigate the labyrinth and disagree on the best way to proceed.
Strengths "The scene establishes a clear goal for the characters and introduces a new obstacle in the form of the labyrinth. The tension between Sarah and Hoggle adds depth to both characters."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly transitional, moving the characters from one place to another without much action."
Critique First, the scene does a good job of establishing the location and the characters’ mindset. However, the dialogue could use some work. The lines are functional, but they don't reveal much about the characters or push the story forward. The writer could try to add conflict or subtext to the conversation to make it more engaging.

For instance, instead of Sarah simply saying "Whatever", she could express doubt or frustration about the situation. This would allow the writer to delve deeper into her emotional state and show how she’s struggling to cope with all the obstacles she's facing. Similarly, Hoggle could have more specific motivations for helping or hindering Sarah along the way, which would make him a more complex character.

Additionally, the scene lacks a clear goal or action, aside from Sarah marking the floor with a rock. To keep the audience engaged, the writer should provide a clear objective for the characters to pursue, or have them face some kind of obstacle that they need to overcome. This could be anything from a trap that they need to solve to a monster they need to defend against.

Finally, the scene could benefit from better pacing and visual storytelling. The dialogue-heavy scenes might work on stage or in a novel, but film is a visual medium, and the writer should aim to communicate as much information as possible through images and actions. For instance, the writer could have Sarah and Hoggle come across a strange statue that points them in the right direction, or show Hoggle secretly taking the ring when Sarah's not looking. These visual cues would generate momentum and interest and make the scene more intriguing to watch.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Make the dialogue more concise and impactful. The conversation between Hoggle and Sarah feels a bit repetitive and drags on. Consider trimming it down to its essential points and making each line more impactful.

2. Increase the tension between Hoggle and Sarah. They seem to be having a friendly conversation, but the conflict between them is that Hoggle is only after Sarah's ring and doesn't actually care about helping her. Play that up more to create more tension and conflict.

3. Add more description to the setting and action. The scene takes place in a corridor, but we don't get a visual sense of what it looks like beyond it being similar to the previous corridor. Consider adding more description to create a more vivid and immersive world. Also, add more action to break up the dialogue and create more visual interest.

4. Clarify the stakes. It's not entirely clear why Sarah is marking the floor or what the consequences are if she goes back the way she came. Add more clarity to the stakes of the labyrinth to help the audience understand what's at risk.

5. Add more emotional depth to Hoggle's character. Hoggle is an interesting character, but this scene doesn't give us much insight into his motivations or emotions beyond feeling hurt that Sarah accused him of only wanting her ring. Consider adding more layers to his character to make him more compelling and dynamic.



Scene 9 -  The Goblin King's Proposition
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CORRIDOR 2 – DAY

Sarah emerges into the corridor and comes face to face with Hoggle.

SARAH
But...

She whirls around to look behind her, then back at Hoggle again.

SARAH
... but you were just behind me! I'm sure of
it!

Hoggle shakes his head as she runs by him and looks down at the
floor.

SARAH
My mark! It was right here!

Hoggle comes up beside her.

HOGGLE
I told ya, Missy. Things aren't what they
appear to be around here...

JARETH (V.O.)
Except when they are.
ANOTHER ANGLE

Jareth, in all his glory. Sarah and Hoggle whirl around and both
gasp with surprise and fear.

JARETH
We meet again... Sarah.

SARAH
Where's Freddie?!! What have you done with
him!?

She starts to rush toward Jareth but Hoggle holds her back.

JARETH
Nothing... yet.

He walks toward them and they automatically step backwards. He looks
down at Hoggle.

JARETH
And what have we here... Hoghead, isn't it?

Hoggle is humiliated.

HOGGLE
Me name's Hoggle.

JARETH
Ah, yes. Now I remember.
(he moves closer to
Hoggle)
You're the greedy little coward who lives
outside the gate. Shouldn't you be back there
minding your own business... Hedgehog?

He chucks Hoggle under the chin, and is quite rough about it. Hoggle
fumes silently. Sarah doesn't like this.

SARAH
Why, why don't you pick on someone your own
size?

He looks her up and down.

JARETH
Whom did you have in mind?

Sarah tries to brazen it out.

SARAH
I don't have time for any games. I want
Freddie, and I want him now!

Jareth throws back his head and laughs.

JARETH
Ah, Freddie. An adorable little imp. I'm
really growing rather fond of him.
SARAH
Where is he?!!

JARETH
He's in my castle, and seems to be enjoying
himself immensely.

He ambles toward them and they can't help themselves, they both step
backwards.

JARETH
In fact, he likes being with goblins so much,
I'm considering turning him into one.

Sarah thinks this is crazy.

SARAH
You can't do that!

JARETH
(grinning)
Oh yes I can.

Sarah looks down at Hoggle and speaks under her breath.

SARAH
Can he?

Hoggle nods glumly.

JARETH
But let's make it interesting. I won't do it
for... thirteen hours. If you make it to the
castle before then you might be able to save
him. If not, well, I think little Freddie
will mike an adorable goblin Prince , don't
you?

He laughs and holds up both hands and WE SEE that they are empty. He
then closes them and when he opens them again there is a gold watch
in one hand. He throws it to Sarah, but Hoggle intercepts it and
eyes it greedily. Annoyed, Sarah snatches it out of his hand. She
looks at it and sees that it has 13 hours marked on it. When she
looks up again, Jareth is gone.

WORM (V.O.)
Well, good riddance to bad rubbish!

Sarah and Hoggle both jump and then look at where the voice is
coming from. It is a little WORM, poking its head out of a hole in
the brickwork.

WORM
That's what the missus always says, she does.
Why the last time she found that one around
here she sent him packing.

SARAH
Jareth?!
WORM
She don't take to his kind of nonsense,
that's for sure. Now, how about a nice cup of
tea? The missus has a kettle on.

Sarah looks down at Hoggle, who shrugs. She then looks up at the
worm and gives him a beaming smile.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Jareth the Goblin King holds Sarah's baby brother captive and gives her 13 hours to rescue him before he turns him into a goblin. Sarah and Hoggle work together to navigate the labyrinth and find Jareth's castle.
Strengths "The high stakes and tension keep the audience engaged. The dynamic between Sarah and Hoggle is interesting"
Weaknesses "Jareth's character could be developed more"
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue feels natural and the characters' actions and reactions are clear. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

1. The introduction of Jareth feels a bit abrupt. It might be helpful to have a hint of his presence earlier in the scene so that his appearance isn't completely unexpected.

2. The physical description of Jareth could be more vivid. As a key character, it's important that the audience has a clear mental image of him.

3. The interaction between Jareth and Sarah feels a bit one-dimensional. It might be interesting to see some more complex emotions or motivations at play here, rather than just a straightforward desire to save Freddie.

Overall, however, this is a well-crafted scene that effectively builds tension and sets up the conflict for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could use some tightening up. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Increase the tension. Right now, the scene feels a bit slow. To make it more engaging, consider adding more urgency or danger. One way to do this might be to have Jareth reveal a more sinister plan for Freddie, or to have him physically threaten Sarah and Hoggle in some way.

2. Give Hoggle more agency. Hoggle feels like a bit of a passive character in this scene - he mostly just stands around and gets insulted by Jareth. To make him more dynamic, consider having him take action in some way - maybe he tries to attack Jareth, or he comes up with a plan to rescue Freddie.

3. Cut down on the dialogue. There are a lot of lines in this scene that don't add much to the story or character development. Look for places where you can trim things down or condense dialogue to make it more succinct.

4. Play up the weirdness of the world. This scene takes place in a fantastical world full of strange creatures and magic. Try to make that world feel more vivid and unique - maybe by adding in more details about the environment or the characters' reactions to it.

5. End on a cliffhanger. Right now, the scene ends with Sarah and Hoggle talking to a worm about tea - not exactly the most thrilling way to wrap things up. Consider ending on a more dramatic note - maybe Jareth disappears just as Sarah and Hoggle are about to attack him, leaving them with a sense of impending danger.



Scene 10 -  Encounter with the Wise One
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. CORRIDOR 2 – DAY

Sarah and Hoggle are sitting on the floor.

SARAH
Do you think Jareth will give Freddie back if
I make it on time?

HOGGLE
It's hard to say, Missy. But if I were you,
I'd worry 'bout first things first.

SARAH
What do you mean?

HOGGLE
I means ya got ta find the castle before ya
can go savin' the babe and I mean ta see that
ya do!

Sarah is thrilled and leans over and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

SARAH
Oh, Hoggle! Thank you, thank you so much!

Hoggle gets all flustered and tries to act gruff.

HOGGLE
Seems to me I could be gettin' that ring from
ya after all if I plays me cards right.

Sarah regards him affectionately.

SARAH
I know you don't mean that. You're helping me
because you're really nice.

HOGGLE
I ain't nice! I just likes the way ya stood
up ta him is all.
(he is thoughtful for a
moment; almost to himself)
Too bad more've us haven't had the guts to do
the same.

The worm reappears.

WORM
How about a biscuit? The missus just took a
fresh batch out of the oven.
SARAH
Thanks, but we really don't have any time.
We've got to get to the castle.

HOGGLE
Ya wouldn't happen to know a shortcut, would
ya?

WORM
Well, you might try taking that first left.

Sarah and Hoggle look down the corridor.

SARAH
But there isn't any left turn.

Just then a strange FIGURE seems to come through the left wall and
walks toward them. He is dressed in long flowing robes and wears a
hat shaped like a bird.

WORM
See, there's a left turn right there, where
that Wise One just came in.

SARAH
A Wise One! Maybe he knows the best way to
the castle!

HOGGLE
I wouldn't bet on it.

But Sarah is excited about the possibility of getting more help.

SARAH
Excuse me, Sir. Could you tell us the best
way to get to the castle?

WISE ONE
The best way to the castle, hmmm. I'm glad
you asked that question.

To Sarah's and Hoggle's surprise, the hat joins into the
conversation.

HAT
Now you've done it, gone and asked him a
question. We'll be here all day!

WISE ONE
A castle, or fortress, or as it is sometimes
known, a stronghold or citadel – or, that
which has a turret and barbican, but usually
not a portcullis...

HAT
What did I tell you? There's no stopping him
now.
WISE ONE
... often there is a rampart or bulwark, and
then a parapet – perchance an actual vallum
or counterscarp...

HAT
Shut up down there!

WISE ONE
... and for entrenchment; a moat, drawbridge
and sally-port...

Sarah looks at Hoggle.

SARAH
This was not one of my better ideas.

HAT
Well, I told you that, didn't I? But nobody
ever listens to me!

He looks down at the still mumbling Wise One.

HAT
Enough! Nobody cares!!

The Wise One blinks and looks at Sarah and Hoggle.

WISE ONE
Did one of you say something?

Sarah thinks quickly.

SARAH
Oh, no. We never talk to strangers.

WISE ONE
That's very wise. An idea worth savoring.

Hoggle nudges him.

HOGGLE
Yeah, but keep it under your hat!

Hoggle thinks this is hilarious. The hat doesn't.

HAT
Ve-ry funny!

The Wise One continues on his way.

WISE ONE
The stranger, hmm. I'm glad you brought that
up. The stranger; one not indigenous, also
known as the alien, or one from beyond the
sea...

HAT
(hysterical)
I quit! I can't take it anymore!
And then they are gone, passing through the righthand wall as if it
wasn't there. Sarah watches after them, stunned.

SARAH
How did he do that?!!

HOGGLE
And how can we make sure he doesn't come
back?

Sarah gives him a look and turns to the worm.

WORM
Just go over to that bit of wall there and
walk right through it. The important thing is
to forget what you think you know. It doesn't
apply around here.

Sarah and Hoggle walk down to the part of the wall where the Wise
One entered. Once there, they can see that a section of the wall is
actually a passageway-width behind the rest of the wall. Sarah yells
back to the worm.

SARAH
Thank you! And tell the missus we're sorry we
missed her biscuits!

And then they walk through the wall and are gone.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle encounter the Wise One who rambles on with unnecessary details. The Hat joins in and adds to the chaos. Eventually, the Wise One and the Hat disappear through the wall.
Strengths "The humor and absurdity of the Wise One's rambling dialogue add some levity to the tense situation. There is also good chemistry between Sarah and Hoggle, and their banter adds depth to their characters."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot and feels like a bit of a tangent. The Wise One and Hat's characters feel underdeveloped and their disappearance through the wall is never explained."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Sarah, Hoggle, and the Wise One is humorous and adds a lightness to the story. The worm also adds a quirky and unique element to the scene.

One potential critique is that the scene could be tightened up a bit. There are multiple moments where characters repeat information or exchange unnecessary dialogue. For example, Hoggle's line about getting the ring from Sarah after all seems out of place and doesn't contribute much to the story. Additionally, the conversation with the worm about the fresh biscuits feels like it could have been cut down or excluded entirely.

Overall, the scene could benefit from some editing and tightening to make it more efficient and impactful.
Suggestions 1. Dialogue: The dialogue between Sarah and Hoggle can be tightened up to make it more concise. They can get to the point more quickly and move on to the next scene.

2. Character development: The characters of Sarah and Hoggle could be further developed. We need to know more about them so that we are emotionally invested in their journey.

3. Pacing: The scene could benefit from being shorter and more dynamic. There are too many unnecessary details that slow down the scene and take away from the urgency of their mission.

4. Conflict: Introducing more conflict into the scene would make it more engaging. Perhaps the Wise One is not helpful and Sarah and Hoggle have to find another way to the castle.

5. Visualization: The scene needs to be more visually engaging. The description of the Wise One's appearance and the passageway through the wall need to be more vivid in order to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 11 -  March of the Goblins
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CORRIDOR 3 – DAY

Sarah and Hoggle appear through the wall and Sarah laughs with
delight. Hoggle wasn't as pleased with the experience and feels the
wall as if testing to see if it really happened. Sarah sees that
they are in a corridor where the walls are crumbling and she climbs
up to the top of one and looks over.


ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S POV – THE TURRETS OF THE CASTLE

SARAH
(excited)
I can see the castle! It doesn't look far at
all!

Hoggle is still feeling around the wall, trying to figure out how
they got there. Sarah jumps down and starts to run down the
corridor.

SARAH
Come on, Hoggle. Let's go!

Hoggle sees her retreating figure and hurries after her.
INT. CASTLE – DAY

Jareth's great hall. He stands by a window and looks out over the
labyrinth – from this vantage point he can see clear across it the
hovels that surround the castle walls, the arid plain that leads to
the dense forest, encircling that, the complex maze. He seems lost
in thought. The white bird enters the window and lands on his
shoulder. Behind him Freddie is having a grand time. His slippery
crawl is too much for the Goblins that scurry about, trying to mind
him. Meanwhile, a particularly stupid looking GOBLIN begins to
approach Jareth. He saunters across the room and is stopped short by
a FEMALE GOBLIN. She grabs hold of his shirt and hisses a warning.

FEMALE GOBLIN
Remember! It's bow and scrape... bow and
scrape...

The stupid Goblin nods and she lets him go. He then continues his
approach to Jareth, only this time he does a little bow and then
scrapes his foot across the floor, then repeats the action.

STUPID GOBLIN
(to himself)
Bow 'n scrape... bow 'n scrape...

Jareth turns and sees the Goblin.

JARETH
Well, what is it?

The Goblin can't answer and do his bow-and-scrape at the same time
so continues his painfully slow approach.

STUPID GOBLIN
... bow 'n scrape... bow 'n scrape...

Annoyed, Jareth walks over to the Goblin and lifts him up by his
shirt front. The Goblin is still bowing.

JARETH
I said, what is it?!!!

STUPID GOBLIN
Th... the girl and Hoggle, sire. Th...
they're halfway th.... through th... the
maze.

Jareth drops the Goblin hard on the floor. Freddie sees this and
laughs with delight. Jareth walks over and scoops the baby up in his
arms. He then carries him over to the window. He calls over to an
ARMED GOBLIN by the door.

JARETH
I think it's time they had some company.

ARMED GOBLIN
Yes, Sir!

He then salutes, causing his visor to close on his face, then
stumbles around looking for the door. Jareth shakes his head.
JARETH
You'll make a much better goblin than that,
won't you, Freddie!

Freddie's response is to clap his sticky baby's hand on to Jareth's
face. Jareth, pretending he doesn't mind, carefully removes it. He
then looks down to the courtyard below.


EXT. CASTLE – DAY

JARETH'S POV

ARMED GOBLINS are pouring out of the castle.


EXT. CORRIDOR 4 – DAY

Sarah and Hoggle are striding down a corridor. They are about to
come to a corner.

SARAH
Are you sure Jareth can turn Freddie into a
goblin? I mean, that's really weird...

They turn the corner and Hoggle stops short. Sarah becomes alarmed.

SARAH
What is it?

Hoggle gestures for her to be quiet and then we can hear what he
hears – marching. They look back the way they came.


ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S AND HOGGLE'S POV

A BATTALION OF ARMED Goblins, marching right towards them!


ANOTHER ANGLE

They look at each other, then turn and run. Hoggle tries to get
through the wall the way the worm showed them.

HOGGLE
(quoting the worm)
Just forget what you think you know and...

He smacks headlong into the wall. He stops to rub his nose and Sarah
flies by him.

SARAH
Come on!
INT. CASTLE – DAY

Freddie is now sitting on the lap of a GOBLIN, happily bopping it on
the nose. Jareth snaps his fingers and a group of sleepy MUSICIANS
in the corner stumble over themselves to pick up their instruments.
They begin to play and Jareth looks out the window and begins a
song. He sings about the labyrinth; what it is – his domain, and
what it is to others – a test, a proving-ground, not for the faint
of heart.


INT. MAZE MONTAGE – DAY

While Jareth sings, Sarah and Hoggle try to escape from the Goblins.
They get a lead on them for a while and come to another corridor
with crumbling walls. They scamper up to get a look at their
position and see dust rising from several parts of the maze. The
Goblins are everywhere.

In another corridor, they are stopped in their tracks by DOZENS OF
LITTLE FUZZY CREATURES who scurry towards them out of the way of the
oncoming Goblins. They turn and run back the way they came and as
they do WALL CREATURES chatter nervously and then disappear into the
cracks between the bricks.

In a corridor with very short walls they are able to see the tips of
spears on either side of them, going in the opposite direction.

They enter a corridor with several arches curving over it, forming
small, intermittent bridges. Thinking they are safe, they stop for a
breath, and soon realize that a battalion is right behind them. They
scurry up the walls, and as the song comes to an end, they each lie
across an arch hopefully out of sight of the Goblins below.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle flee from the goblins as they try to navigate the labyrinth. Meanwhile, Jareth sings a song about the labyrinth and its dangers from the safety of his castle.
Strengths "The tension and danger of the labyrinth is effectively conveyed through the fast-paced action and threats from the goblins. Jareth's song adds to the ominous atmosphere."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is minimal and mostly functional in this scene, without showcasing the characters' personalities much. The scene lacks emotional resonance and depth."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to be well-written with good pacing and action. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Character development: While we see some action and movement from Sarah and Hoggle, we don't get a sense of who they are as characters or their motivations. It would be beneficial to add some dialogue or actions to show their personalities and drive.

2. Descriptions: The scene primarily relies on visual cues, but there could be more descriptive language to enhance the reader's experience. For example, the crumbling walls could have more specific details, and the fuzzy creatures could be described in more vivid language.

3. Pacing: The scene moves quickly, but at times it may benefit from slowing down to provide more context or emotional impact. For example, when Jareth drops the goblin and Freddie laughs, there could be a moment where Jareth feels angered or frustrated, adding to his character development.

Overall, the scene is well-written with good action and pacing, but there are opportunities to improve character development and descriptive language.
Suggestions One suggestion for improving this scene would be to add more tension and stakes. Right now, Sarah and Hoggle are just running from the Goblins, but it's not clear what the consequence will be if they are caught. Adding in a clear consequence, such as Jareth threatening to harm someone they care about if they don't return Freddie or a time limit for them to escape before the maze changes and becomes unbeatable, would heighten the tension and give the scene more weight.

Additionally, adding in more obstacles that play off the labyrinth's magical nature would make the scene more interesting and visually engaging. For example, instead of just running from the Goblins, Sarah and Hoggle could be chased by a group of enchanted trees that come to life and block their path. Or they could encounter a riddle that they must solve in order to progress, adding a puzzle-solving element to the action.

Finally, giving Sarah and Hoggle more personality and agency would make the scene more compelling. Right now, Sarah is just excited about seeing the castle and Hoggle is bumbling and unsure. Adding in moments where they work together to overcome an obstacle or where they have conflicting opinions about how to proceed would make them feel like real characters instead of just plot devices.



Scene 12 -  Escape from the Slashing Machine
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. ARCHED CORRIDOR – DAY

Sarah and Hoggle huddle above the corridor on their arches as TWO
GOBLINS bring up the rear.

GOBLIN #1
I can kill better than you can.

GOBLIN #2
But I'm better at maiming. Everybody says so.

And they are gone. Shaken, Sarah and Hoggle slide down from their
hiding places.

SARAH
Do you think they're gone?

HOGGLE
Sure they are. Goblins ain't known fer their
intelligence, ya know. They has as much
trouble findin' their way through the maze as
you do.

He folds his arms and leans against the wall.
SARAH
I'm not sure, but I think you just called me
stupid...

Suddenly Hoggle yells and disappears. He has accidentally leaned on
another secret wall opening. Sarah quickly follows.


INT. CORRIDOR 5 – DAY

Hoggle and Sarah are now in the long circular corridor that divides
the maze from the beginning of the second ring of the labyrinth –
the Garden Maze.

HOGGLE
(excited)
I think I know where we are!

SARAH
That'll be a nice change.

He ignores her and looks around excitedly.

HOGGLE
This place is the end o' the maze! That means
we're near the entrance ta the second ring o'
the labyrinth.

SARAH
The second ring? What's that?

Hoggle starts down the corridor.

HOGGLE
(happily)
The Garden Maze!

SARAH
(gloomy)
Sounds like a great place... what's it like?

HOGGLE
Don't know, I ain't never made it this far
before.

He is skipping happily down the corridor when Sarah hears something.
It is a strange clanking sound.

SARAH
(frightened)
Hoggle! What's that sound?!!

Hoggle stops skipping and sighs.

HOGGLE
Now don't go gettin' all girly on me, Missy,
now that we's finally safe...

SARAH
So you think we're safe, do you?
HOGGLE
(annoyed)
Didn't I just say so?!!

SARAH
Then tell me what you think of that.

Sarah points behind them where the clanking noise is coming from. It
is now much louder. Hoggle comes over to her and takes a better
look. He screams.


ANOTHER ANGLE

THEIR POV – A SLASHING MACHINE

Is coming right towards them. (A slashing wall is made up of rows of
furiously spinning knives, and chopping cleavers, and has brushes
along the bottom to clean up whatever it encounters in its path.)
And there is no way around it because it completely fills the
corridor.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Hoggle desperately tries to walk through the wall the way they came
in, but it is to no avail. He just keeps smashing his face. Sarah
starts to run for it.

SARAH
Come on!

Hoggle follows, every so often trying, and failing, to get through
the wall.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah, who is far ahead of Hoggle, comes to a door! And hanging on a
hook next to it is a bunch of keys. She looks back at Hoggle.

SARAH
Hoggle, hurry!


ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S POV

Hoggle running toward her, and making slow but steady progress
toward them both – the slashing machine.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah fumbles with the keys, furiously trying key after key in the
door but to no avail. She is terrified.

SARAH
None of the keys work!
Desperate, she starts banging on the door. Hoggle is just a few
yards away from her.

HOGGLE
Why don't you just try it?

He then tries once more to walk through the wall. Sarah tries the
knob and sure enough, it opens. She is delighted. What she doesn't
see is Hoggle suddenly disappearing through the floor.

SARAH
It's open! Hog...

She turns around and he is gone! And the slashing machine is just a
few yards away! She screams and, in her terror, falls backwards
through the door. It slams shut just as the slashing machine reaches
it WE CAN SEE that FOUR GOBLINS in sanitation workers' uniforms have
been pushing the machine all along. They grunt and strain, cranking
the wheels that turn the knives and pushing all at the same time.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle narrowly avoid the clutches of the goblins and discover the entrance to the second ring of the labyrinth, the Garden Maze. They come across a dangerous slashing machine that fills the corridor and must use their wits to escape. Hoggle disappears through the floor and Sarah falls through a door, just as the machine reaches them. The machine is revealed to have been operated by goblin sanitation workers.
Strengths "The tension and danger of the scene keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seat. The reveal of the goblin sanitation workers operating the machine adds a touch of humor to an otherwise dire situation."
Weaknesses "Dialogue is minimal and expository, lacking in personality or distinct character voices. The theme of the scene is not clear and does not contribute much to the overarching story of the film."
Critique Overall, this scene has good pacing and builds tension well. The use of the slashing machine as a physical obstacle is effective and creates a sense of urgency for the characters. However, there are a few areas where the dialogue could be tightened or improved for clarity.

One example is when Hoggle says "They has as much trouble findin' their way through the maze as you do." The use of "has" instead of "have" is incorrect grammar, and it also makes the sentence harder to understand. This could be fixed by saying "They have just as much trouble finding their way through the maze as you do."

Another example is when Sarah asks Hoggle what the Garden Maze is like. It feels like an unnecessary question, as she and the audience will likely learn what it's like as they explore it. It might be more effective for Sarah to simply express her skepticism about the Garden Maze and let Hoggle's excitement for it contrast with her reluctance.

Finally, the reveal of the sanitation workers in goblin costumes pushing the machine feels a bit abrupt. It might be more satisfying to foreshadow this earlier in the scene, such as showing glimpses of the workers or having other goblins mention their duties. This would make the reveal feel more earned and add another layer to the world-building.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to have more action and dialogue that moves the plot forward. The conversation between the goblins at the beginning doesn't add much, and could be shortened or cut out entirely. Instead, focus on building the tension as the slashing machine approaches and Sarah and Hoggle try to escape. Additionally, it may be helpful to give the reader/viewer a clearer visual of where they are and where they are trying to go, to create a better sense of stakes and urgency.



Scene 13 -  Through the Painting
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. PICTURE GALLERY – DAY

Sarah emerges into a large room. The walls are covered with large
paintings in ornate gilt frames. She is a bit stunned by the clone
call with the slashing machine as she approaches the first painting.

SARAH
(to herself)
What in the world...

She stops short in front of the first painting and cannot believe
her eyes. It is a painting of the watch with 13 hours on it. The
hour hand is on the 9. Sarah fumbles into her pocket and finds the
watch that Jareth gave her. It also has the hour hand on the 9.

SARAH
Only 9 hours left!

The next picture is of a baby surrounded by gruesome Goblins. On
closer inspection, the baby is obviously Freddie. She chokes back a
sob and runs over to the next one, it is a picture of a rotunda with
staircases going off in all different directions on different planes
of gravity. It is an Escher room, and a closer look shows a GOBLIN
happily standing on the ceiling. She shakes her head and goes by the
next painting and gasps involuntarily. It is a compelling portrait
of Jareth, and she moves even closer. Then she shakes herself out of
it.


ANOTHER ANGLE

THE PORTRAIT'S POV

Sarah wills herself away and moves on, and we hear the sound of
Jareth's breathing.
ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah is nervous and eagerly looks for a way out. She rushes by
another painting, giving it merely a glance. But something makes her
go back for a better look. It is of a lovely, manicured hedge maze.
In the distance WE CAN SEE the turrets of Jareth's castle. And in
the sky nearby flies a beautiful WHITE BIRD. And then Sarah is
amazed by what she sees. A closer look at the painting reveals that
the white bird is flying! It moves over the hedges and WE SEE a
FIGURE waving.

SARAH
Hoggle!

Sarah, disturbed, backs away from the painting. And then, because it
really is as wonderful as it is scary, she goes back for another
look and over her shoulder WE CAN SEE Hoggle waving and we hear his
tiny voice.

HOGGLE
Missy! Over here! This is the way to the
castle!

And Sarah strains to hear, and leans toward the painting, stretching
her hand out and touching the painting, which makes it turn into a
shimmering wall that her hand goes right through. And then she
disappears right through the painting.


ANOTHER ANGLE – THE GALLERY

And Jareth's portrait is now blank.


EXT. HEDGE MAZE – DAY

Sarah rushes up to Hoggle and throws her arms around him.

SARAH
What happened to you? I was afraid I'd never
see you again!

HOGGLE
Ya know that trick with the wall? Damn, if it
don't work with the floor, as well!

Sarah laughs and hugs him again.


INT. HEDGE MAZE – DAY

Sarah and Hoggle have been walking through the maze a long time.
They are tired and bedraggled. Sarah pulls the watch out of her
pocket and sighs.

SARAH
An hour's gone by and I don't think we're
more than four feet from where we started.
HOGGLE
That's 'cause ya won't do what I tells ya.
It's clear as day we should be goin' this
way...

He turns a corner and walks smack into a hedge dead end. He howls in
pain and Sarah sighs and follows him.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Hoggle disentangling himself from the hedge.

SARAH
Got any more suggestions?

Before Hoggle can answer they are interrupted by a terrible gut-
wrenching scream. It is positively unearthly. Sarah whirls around.

SARAH
It sounds like it came from over there!

Hoggle points in the opposite direction.

HOGGLE
Then let's go this way.

Sarah frowns at him as the scream begins again.

SARAH
Hoggle! It sounds like someone's being hurt!

HOGGLE
Exactly why we should be headin' in the
othermost direction!

Sarah shakes her head in disgust and runs off as the screams become
more unbearable.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah, running through the hedge maze. Driven by the sound of the
screams, she has an unconscious ability to find her way through.
Hoggle, trying to keep up with her, keeps running into dead ends.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah emerging from the maze. She is stopped in her tracks by what
she sees and quickly covers her mouth to prevent herself from
screaming. Hoggle emerges a moment later, barely pauses before he
heads right back into the maze.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle enter a picture gallery where Sarah discovers a haunting painting of her brother and Jareth, which reveals only nine hours left. They discover the hedge maze and enter it, where Hoggle goes missing. Sarah hears screams and rushes towards them only to find herself in a dangerous situation.
Strengths "The scene adds to the tension and raises stakes by showing the time left. The use of paintings as a motif is unique and adds to the fantastical elements. The maze adds a new dimension to the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been tighter. The scene could be shorter."
Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and tension building, but there are some areas that could be improved.

Firstly, there could be more specificity in the descriptions of the paintings Sarah sees. It would add to the surreal and otherworldly quality of the setting if the paintings were described in detail, rather than just their content.

Secondly, there is a lack of motivation for Sarah's actions and decisions. Why does she go back to look at the painting of the hedge maze again? Why does she continue to follow the sound of the screams despite Hoggle's protests? These could be fleshed out with more exposition or inner thoughts.

Additionally, the dialogue could be more naturalistic and specific to the characters. Hoggle's accent could be more apparent in his speech patterns, and Sarah could express more of her emotions and thoughts through her words.

Finally, the action moments could be more visually specific, with more focus on cinematography. For example, when Sarah disappears through the painting, the scene could be more vividly described, with a focus on the shimmering effect and the feeling of passing through a portal.

Overall, the scene has good potential, but could benefit from more specific and character-driven details to truly come to life on the page.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop Sarah's emotional reactions and inner thoughts: When Sarah sees the painting of the watch with 13 hours on it, it's a crucial moment in the story that raises the stakes. However, her reaction could be more visceral and emotional. Show her fear, desperation, and frustration as she realises that time is running out. Also, give her more inner thoughts to connect with the audience and show her thought process.

2. Make the paintings more visually stunning: The paintings in the gallery could be more visually striking and fantastical to reflect the bizarre and magical world that Sarah is exploring. Use creative camera angles, lighting, and visual effects to bring them to life. Each painting should feel like a window to another world that Sarah is discovering.

3. Use sound design more effectively: The gut-wrenching screams that Sarah hears in the maze are a powerful moment, but they could be more effective if the sound design is used to build tension and suspense. The sound could be distorted, layered, and mixed to create a haunting and unsettling atmosphere. Additionally, the breathing of Jareth in the portrait could be more eerie and omnipresent to create a sense of his lurking presence.

4. Develop Hoggle's character arc: Hoggle is a key character in the story, but his arc could be more developed in this scene. He could have conflicting motives and emotions that lead to tension and drama. For example, he might be torn between his loyalty to Jareth and his growing friendship with Sarah. His dialogue could reflect his inner struggles and motivations.

5. Reveal more about the world and the stakes: The scene is a great opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of the world and the stakes of the story. Use the paintings, dialogue, and action to reveal more about the rules, the mythology, and the consequences of failure. For example, Sarah could find clues in the paintings that help her understand what she needs to do to defeat Jareth and save Freddie.



Scene 14 -  Rescue of Ludo
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. CLEARING – DAY

SARAH'S POV

FOUR GOBLINS are torturing a huge CREATURE (LUDO) that they have
hung by his ankle from a tree limb. They have also taken pains to
bind the creature, who it is obvious could take an most of them and
win in a fairer fight. He is about nine feet tall, powerfully built,
and his screams of frustrated agony are truly unbearable. The
Goblins have devised a unique method of harassing him. They all
carry long sticks which have small, fierce, biting CREATURES on the
end of them. The Goblins bat their sticks at Ludo, who bellows and
tries to swat back. Since he is tied, the NIPPERS are free to bite
him whenever they get near.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah, distraught, peeking out from behind a hedge.

SARAH
The poor thing!

Hoggle peeks out from behind Sarah, then quickly ducks back. Sarah
looks for a way to stop the torture. She picks up a rock and
carefully aims it at the nearest Goblin. It hits his head and knocks
his helmet visor over his eyes. Blinded, the Goblin lurches around,
swinging his nipper stick at the other three.

BLINDED GOBLIN
Hey! Who turned out the lights?

The other goblins see a new target and poke their nipper sticks
towards him. He takes off and runs blindly into the hedge maze. The
other three chase him, carrying the nipper sticks upright no that WE
CAN SEE their progress in the background.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah desperately tries to untie the huge knot that holds Ludo
suspended upside down. She can't undo it and yells for Hoggle

SARAH
Get out here, you coward!

Hoggle appears from behind his hedge. He hesitates, then pulls a
dagger from his belt and joins Sarah. He cuts through the rope in
one hack, and Ludo falls to the ground with a thud.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The nipper sticks start yammering away as they see Sarah and Hoggle
freeing Ludo over the top of the hedge. The Goblin chase stops and
they head back to the clearing. Hoggle dives for the bushes but a
determined Sarah stays and pulls off the ropes. When Ludo is free,
he picks up a huge log. As the four Goblins come roaring back into
the clearing, Ludo waves the log over his head. The Goblin charge
immediately shifts into a Goblin retreat, the nipper sticks yipping
in fear.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Ludo puts down the log and sits, his big shaggy head hanging down.
He taken one hand and wipes away a tear.

LUDO
Ludo... hurt.

Sarah's heart breaks. This thing is the ultimate stuffed animal.

SARAH
Is that your name? Ludo?

He nods and wipes away another tear.

LUDO
Goblins... mean to Ludo.

SARAH
Oh, I know! They were terribly mean to you.
(she moves closer and pats
his arm)
But it's all right now.

Ludo sniffs and then breaks into the most endearing big dumb smile
you have ever seen.

LUDO
Friend!

SARAH
That's right, Ludo! I'm your friend. I'm
Sarah.

LUDO
Sarah... friend!

Hoggle has come out from hiding during this exchange. He finds the
whole scene a bit nauseating. And an unnecessary nuisance. If
there's one thing he doesn't want, it's competition for Sarah.

HOGGLE
I think I'm about ta be sick.

They ignore him and Ludo grins for all he's worth as Sarah beams up
at him. Hoggle pulls her over to one side.

HOGGLE
I hope yer not thinkin' o' lettin' the beast
traipse along, Missy. He'll just slow us up.
SARAH
Are you kidding?! He'll be a great help! The
goblins are scared of him because he's so
fierce...

Just then Ludo shyly offers Sarah a flower that he has just picked
for her. She takes it and smiles at him.

HOGGLE
(sarcastically)
I sees what ya mean.

Sarah shrugs and gives Ludo a pat. Hoggle sighs with frustration.

HOGGLE
I just thinks we was doin' fine on our own.

SARAH
And we can do even better with Ludo.
(turns to Ludo)
You want to help me save my baby brother,
don't you, Ludo?

LUDO
Save... baby. Good!

Sarah nods with satisfaction and strides into the hedge maze. Ludo
right behind her. Hoggle follows, clearly unhappy.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and Hoggle rescue Ludo from goblin torture and gain a powerful ally in their quest to save Sarah's brother.
Strengths "The tension and stakes are high, and the scene propels the story forward by introducing a new, powerful ally."
Weaknesses "The Goblin's torment of Ludo may be uncomfortable for younger viewers, and some of the characterization feels a bit one-dimensional."
Critique There are a few things to note about this scene:

1. The scene creates empathy for Ludo by showing his torture and distress. This helps the audience care about his character and root for his success later on.

2. Sarah's action to throw a rock at the Goblin is a quick but effective way to show her character's bravery and willingness to stand up against injustice.

3. Hoggle's reluctance to help is clear from his actions and words, which creates conflict and tension between the characters.

4. Ludo's introduction as a giant but harmless creature who just wants to be friends is a simple but effective way to bring him into the story and make him endearing to the audience.

Overall, this scene serves its purpose well in establishing important aspects of the story and characters. The only critique would be that some of the dialogue could be tightened up for more impact and clarity.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Give more context for why Sarah and her companions are in the clearing and who Ludo is. Is he a character they have met before or is he new to the story?

2. Build the tension of Ludo being tortured by the goblins. Describe in more detail the sounds and sights of his suffering, and the emotional impact it has on Sarah and her companions.

3. Use more visual language to describe the action. For example, instead of "picks up a rock and carefully aims it," you could describe how she grips the rock, where she aims it, and the sound it makes when it hits the goblin.

4. Show how the characters feel about the situation and each other through their actions and dialogue. For example, you could have Sarah and Hoggle argue or disagree about whether to help Ludo, and show how this affects their relationship.

5. Use more varied sentence structure and pacing to keep the audience engaged. Vary the length of your sentences to create a sense of rhythm and vary the pacing of the action to build tension or provide moments of relief.

6. Consider adding more description or dialogue to show how Ludo feels about being rescued by Sarah and her companions. Does he feel grateful, scared, confused, or relieved? How does he express this? Show how his emotions change throughout the scene.



Scene 15 -  The Talking Doors
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. FOREST GATE – DAY

Sarah, Hoggle and Ludo come out of the hedge maze and see a wall
with two Sarah-sized doors in it.

HOGGLE
This is it, the entrance ta the Forbidden
Forest. All we gotta do is pick a door...

SARAH
What difference does it make? Let's just go!

Ludo quickly steps between Sarah and the doors.

LUDO
One door... good. One door... bad.

HOGGLE
Well, that's great news.
(to Ludo)
Don't suppose ya know which is which?

Sarah skirts around Ludo and goes up to the doors for a closer look
at them.

LUDO
One door... good. One door...
HOGGLE
All right, ya walkin' mountain! Ya made ya
point.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah ignores the bickering behind her and examines the doors. Each
one has a DOOR KNOCKER on it. Both Knockers are carved into faces,
except one has the ring going through its ears and the other has it
stuck in its mouth.

SARAH
(to herself)
I guess once you choose a door... all you
have to do is knock.

The Knocker with the ring through its ears speaks.

KNOCKER #1
Are you addressing me?

Sarah jumps back, stunned.

SARAH
You can talk!

KNOCKER #1
What? What? You'll have to speak up!!

KNOCKER #2
Mmffn... grnth... sminvl...

Sarah turns to the other Knocker.

SARAH
You too!

KNOCKER #2
... gmft... bmble...

Sarah shakes her head in amazement.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The boys are still at it.

HOGGLE
If yer so smart why not show us another way
inta the forest?

LUDO
Ludo... not... know.
HOGGLE
That figures, don't it?
(he turns his back on
Ludo, fuming)
Why the Missy wants an overgrown hill o' hair
fer a friend is beyond me.

Ludo tries to make Hoggle feel better and pats him on the shoulder.
Hoggle shakes his hand off with a growl.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah is excited.

SARAH
I love it! Talking doors!!
(to Knocker #1)
Are you the right door to the forest?

KNOCKER #1
It doesn't do to ask me. For some reason I
can't hear a thing.

Sarah turns to Knocker #1.

KNOCKER #1
No use asking him, either. All he does is
mumble.

Knocker #2 gets very excited.

KNOCKER #2
Thgt... vrnf... lcl...

SARAH
I get it! You can't talk with that ring in
your mouth!

She removes the ring and looks at the face triumphantly.

SARAH
Now, tell me which one of you is the right
door to the forest.

KNOCKER #2
Oh, I am. No question about it.

SARAH
Great! How do we get you to open up?

KNOCKER #2
One merely has to knock.

SARAH
Of course, why didn't I think of that.

She tries to get the ring back in its mouth.
KNOCKER #2
Oh no you don't, young lady! I've had just
about enough of that awful thing, thank you
very much!

SARAH
But how are we supposed to get through this
door if you won't let me knock on it?

KNOCKER #2
Well, I really couldn't say now, could I?

Sarah throws up her hands in disgust.

KNOCKER #1
Oh do speak up, both of you? I can't hear a
thing!


ANOTHER ANGLE

Hoggle and Ludo are still at it.

HOGGLE
(conspiratorially)
Ya know... even if she does get the door
open, ya won't be able ta fit through. Why
not make it easy on us all and take a hike?

LUDO
Ludo... Stay!

Hoggle is disgusted.

HOGGLE
Yer quite the speechifier, ain't ya?


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah suddenly gives Knocker #2 an evil grin.

SARAH
Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to
change your mind?

KNOCKER #2
Absolutely not! My lips are sealed!

SARAH
That's what I thought!

The Knocker presses its lips firmly together. Sarah deftly squeezes
its nose shut. It sputters for air and finally has to open its mouth
before it suffocates. Sarah shoves the ring in with a gleeful cry of
triumph. She knocks, and the door swings open.

SARAH
Let's go!
She goes through the door and Hoggle and Ludo race to follow. They
both try to get through the door at the same time and get into such
a tangle that the door closes before they can straighten themselves
out.

HOGGLE
Now you've done it!

In a frenzy, Hoggle starts banging on both doors.

HOGGLE
Missy! Missy, wait!
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary Sarah, Hoggle, and Ludo reach the entrance to the Forbidden Forest, which has two doors. The door knockers can talk but one of them has a ring stuck in its mouth. Sarah eventually gets it out and knocks to open the door. Hoggle and Ludo get stuck and Sarah rushes through the door alone.
Strengths "The scene is humorous and light-hearted with the talking door knockers. It also has a clear goal and moves the characters closer to their objective."
Weaknesses "The scene is a bit slow and doesn't have much conflict or emotional impact."
Critique The scene seems to be well-written and engaging. The conversations are clear, and the character interactions are well-defined. The use of the talking doors as a plot device is creative and engaging. The tension between the characters also adds to the scene's overall appeal. The use of different camera angles to break up the dialogue and show the different character interactions adds to the overall visual appeal of the scene. The scene does a good job of building excitement and suspense while still maintaining a sense of humor. Overall, well done.
Suggestions This scene seems to lack tension and a clear purpose. To improve it, the screenwriter could add obstacles or challenges for the characters to face before getting to the doors. For example, they could encounter dangerous creatures or have to solve a puzzle to get to the doors. Additionally, the bickering between Hoggle and Ludo could be toned down or used as a way to create more conflict and tension within the group. Finally, Sarah's actions could have more purpose and significance beyond just opening the door, such as revealing information about her character or advancing the plot.



Scene 16 -  Lost in the Forbidden Forest
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. FORBIDDEN FOREST – DAY

Sarah on the other side of the door. Except on this side, there is
no door, just a long expanse of wall. The forest is very dark, and
as its name suggests, very forbidding. Sarah can hear Hoggle
calling, but it is very faint.

SARAH
(scared)
Hoggle?


EXT. FOREST GATE – DAY

Hoggle is beating on the doors with such a frenzy that the other
door swings open.

HOGGLE
I'm coming...

He rushes through the door and disappears. We can tell from his
voice that he is falling down a deep hole.

HOGGLE
(echoed)
... Miiiiiiiiissy!

We hear a huge splash. Then that door shuts and Ludo is all alone.

LUDO
Sarah... gone. Hoggle... gone.

He is sad and confused. A FIGURE emerges from the hedge maze and
begins to walk along the wall, away from Ludo. It is the Wise One.
Ludo brightens and chases after them.

LUDO
Wait!

The Wise One stops and the hat looks Ludo up and down.

HAT
This ought to be a good one!

LUDO
Ludo... need... door!
WISE ONE
You have need of a door, do you? Ah, yes. A
very useful thing, the door; also known as a
portal or threshold – and that which gives
access, a gate or gangway...

He continues walking and Ludo walks with him, listening intently.

WISE ONE
... also an entrance or entry, often
accompanied by a propylaeum...

HAT
(sighs)
If only I had hands I could cover my ears...
that is, if I had ears...

WISE ONE
... not to be confused with a window, or
fenestration...


EXT. FOREST – DAY

Sarah has waited long enough.

SARAH
Hoggle, Ludo... where are you?

She reaches into her pocket and looks at the watch. The hour hand is
on the 7.

SARAH
(whispers)
Oh, Freddie!
(she shoves the watch back
into her pocket)
Well, you guys are going to have to catch up
with me 'cause I can't wait.

Then determined, she strides off.


INT. HOLE – DAY

Hoggle is in a pool at the bottom of a deep hole in the ground.
There is a ledge just above him and he splashes violently trying to
reach it.

HOGGLE
Somebody help me! I can't swim!
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah, Hoggle, and Ludo enter the Forbidden Forest through a portal where Hoggle and Ludo go missing. Sarah hears screams, rushes towards them to find Ludo being tortured by the goblins. They rescue him and gain a powerful ally in their quest. Hoggle falls into a deep hole, and Sarah rushes off in determination.
Strengths "The scene moves the plot forward by introducing the Forbidden Forest, which presents a new challenge for our heroes to overcome. It also incorporates elements of suspense and danger, adding to the tension of the story. There is a good balance of dialogue and action, allowing for character development and exciting moments."
Weaknesses "The scene feels disjointed due to the focus on multiple characters getting separated and encountering different obstacles. The introduction of the Wise One feels unnecessary and detracts from the urgency of finding Sarah's brother. The dialogue can be overly verbose and confusing at times."
Critique Overall, this scene seems to be well-structured and establishes a clear sense of place and character actions. However, there are a few elements that could be further developed or improved:

- It's not entirely clear why Sarah is on the other side of the door and why Hoggle is on the other side. Is it because they got separated, or is there another reason? This could be clarified to give the scene more context and tension.
- The Wise One's speech about doors and entrances could potentially be condensed or made more entertaining, since it does not seem to directly move the plot forward.
- Ludo's dialogue could be made more distinct and expressive, as he seems to only say short, simple phrases.
- The transition from Sarah's scene to Hoggle's scene could be smoother, perhaps by showing a shot of the door opening from inside before cutting to Hoggle in the hole. This would help the audience understand how he got there.

Overall, the scene has potential and establishes clear stakes and character motivations. By clarifying some of the details and adding more personality to the dialogue, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Consider the following suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Increase the tension: As this is a pivotal scene, it's important to ramp up the tension. Consider adding more obstacles for the characters to overcome. For instance, the Wise One could insist on a task Ludo needs to complete before he will help the group find a way out of the forest.

2. Develop the characters: Scenes are an opportunity to deepen character development. Consider giving Ludo a goal or character trait that creates conflict with the Wise One. This will add more emotional depth to the scene.

3. Use visuals to create atmosphere: Use images to create a sense of place and mood. Add more details about the forest to create more of an eerie and menacing atmosphere. This will add more tension to the scene.

4. Use dialogue to create urgency: Adding more dialogue between the characters will create more urgency, as they have to find a way out of the forest before it's too late. Use Sarah's dialogue to emphasize the urgency of the situation and the importance of finding a way out of the forest.

5. Build momentum: Use the scene to build momentum towards the next scene. Make sure there is a sense of forward movement and that the scene leads organically into the next one. This will keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.

By using these tips, you can create a more compelling scene that drives the story forward and engages the audience emotionally.



Scene 17 -  Wild Things
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FOREST – DAY

Sarah is in a very thick, creepy part of the woods. She is clearly
lost. She gets herself tangled in a thorn bush, and struggles with
it to get herself free. Finally she does, and then, frustrated, sits
down on the ground.
SARAH
Why does everything have to happen to me?

But there's no time to think about that because she hears the sound
of a driving drum rhythm and then a wild-looking, spindly, leering
LITTLE CREATURE comes scampering through the trees and into the
clearing; and then ANOTHER, and ANOTHER and ANOTHER. Sarah is
terrified as they approach her, but then not so terrified because
the creatures aren't doing anything except dancing; wild, loose-
limbed, frenzied dancing. Sarah laughs, and can't help but be taken
in by the wild spectacle. And then they begin to encircle her, still
moving to the wild rhythm.

SARAH
(laughing, moving)
What are you?

WILD THING #1
We're Wild Things, baby! Wild!

WILD THING #2
Wild and free!

WILD THING #3
Get down!

And then more Wild Things appear, and these produce instruments. As
and turn the drum rhythm into a frenzied upbeat number.

WILD THING #1
You call that wild! I'll show you wild!

And then he does an amazing thing, to say the least. He takes his
head off and rolls it along his arms from hand to hand like a
juggler, then tosses it high in the air and deftly catches it on his
shoulders. Sarah gasps and tries to get sway but another Wild Thing
pushes her back into the middle of the melee.

WILD THING #2
Cut me some slack and move on back!

And they do, and, moving to the pounding rhythm, he takes his eyes
out of his head and waves them at Sarah. He then tosses them on the
ground as if they were a pair of dice. They land at Sarah's feet
looking straight up.

WILD THING #2
Snake eyes!

Sarah is fascinated and repelled. And the beat gets hotter and the
frenzy more frenzied and she can't help getting a little wild
herself. She begins to really dance.

WILD THING #3
That's it, baby, get wild and free! But
you'll never be as wild as me!

And to prove it he takes his head off and begins to dribble it like
a basketball. Wild Thing #1 leans over to Sarah and whispers
conspiratorily.
WILD THING #1
I wouldn't call that really wild, would you?

SARAH
Well, it's... uh... sort of...

WILD THING #1
I'd call this wild...

And he takes off his head, puts it on the ground as if it were a
golf ball, and then removes a leg and uses it as a golf club. The
head goes flying, right to Sarah. Sarah catches the head, then tries
to get it back to its body but the body dances into the middle of
all the other Wild Things and she can't find it. So there's Sarah,
running around like a chicken with two heads when suddenly the ears
start to flap and the head flies out of her hand. A Wild Thing grabs
her hand and turns her around.

WILD THING #2
That was wild, baby.
(he starts to dance)
Now how 'bout gettin' wild with me?

But Sarah has had enough.

SARAH
I think I'll sit this one out...

WILD THING #1
Not with us you don't...

WILD THING #2
'Cause we're wild!

And then they're all over her, like a bunch of hyper puppies, and
it's really too much.

SARAH
Enough! I've got to find the castle!

WILD THING #2
Well, why didn't you say so, baby!

WILD THING #3
That's a wild idea!

And then his head flies off and he has to quickly grab it and put it
back and meanwhile the others start pushing and pulling on Sarah and
propel her into the woods.

WILD THING #1
They got some wild goings on at the castle,
baby!
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah gets caught up in a wild dance party with strange creatures in the forest, before being pushed towards the castle.
Strengths "The whimsical, imaginative setting of the forest and its inhabitants. The energetic, entertaining dance sequences. The wild things are unique and memorable. "
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't move the plot forward much. The dialogue is mostly nonsensical. The emotional impact is low. "
Critique Overall, this scene is light and comedic. It has an imaginative quality that would lend itself well to a certain type of film. However, from a narrative perspective, it feels disconnected from the main plot. It functions more as a diversion than as a meaningful moment in the story. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels forced and overly expository (e.g., "We're Wild Things, baby! Wild!"). The visual aspects of the scene could be interesting, but they could benefit from a clearer sense of purpose and integration into the larger story.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. The opening set up of Sarah being lost in the woods and getting tangled in a thorn bush is a bit cliche and doesn't add much to the story. It's also not very interesting visually. Consider starting the scene with the appearance of the Wild Things instead.

2. The dialogue between Sarah and the Wild Things is a bit on the nose and corny. Consider making their interactions more subtle and less expository.

3. The actions of the Wild Things are imaginative and fun, but they lack any context within the story. Consider adding some exposition or foreshadowing earlier in the script to set up their appearance in the woods. Additionally, consider giving them a clear role or motivation within the story beyond just being wild and crazy.

4. The scene is very long and doesn't do much to advance the plot. Consider trimming it down and making it more concise while still maintaining the fun and energy of the Wild Things.



Scene 18 -  Hoggle's Dilemma
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 10
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. HOLE – DAY

Hoggle is holding on to the ledge with his fingertips. He doesn't
have the strength to hold on much longer and he looks down at the
water in mortal terror. He begins to slip just as a door opens in
the sheer rock and Jareth enters, accompanied by Goblins.

JARETH
Well, what have we here... if it isn't little
Piggle!

Hoggle screams and slips into the water. He tries to struggle back
to the ledge but the Goblins push at him with poles, laughing
maniacally.

JARETH
Did the girl decide she doesn't need you, now
that she has that beast?

HOGGLE
(angry)
She wouldn't do nuthin' like that!

Jareth leans over the water, laughing.

JARETH
Don't you know she could never care for a
repulsive thing like you!

Hoggle splashes and tries to stay afloat.

HOGGLE
She does care! Me 'n Sarah is friends!

JARETH
Only until something better comes along...
and I've definitely got something better in
mind!

HOGGLE
Don't you hurt her!

Hoggle grabs on to the ledge and the gleeful Goblins push him back
down into the water.

JARETH
What I do to her is my business... and it is
inevitable.

He grabs Hoggle by the shirt front and lifts him out of the water.

JARETH
You can be with me or against me.

HOGGLE
(terrified)
Wh... what do I gotta do?
JARETH
I doubt if she can make it to the castle in
time...

He leans down and speaks directly into Hoggle's face.

JARETH
But just in case, I want you to deliver her
to me.

HOGGLE
Never! I'd rather die!

Jareth sneers scornfully.

JARETH
Then so you shall.

He drops Hoggle back into the water. The Goblins shriek with
delight. Hoggle goes under and comes up sputtering.

HOGGLE
Wait!

Jareth was about to leave. He turns back to Hoggle, a look of
amusement on his face.

HOGGLE
I gotta know what... what you'll do to her!

He splashes pathetically in a desperate attempt to stay above water.

JARETH
I will do what ever amuses me...

He reaches into his cloak and brings out a perfect peach.

JARETH
All you have to do is give her this.

He tosses Hoggle the peach. Hoggle catches it and immediately the
water starts to recede.

JARETH
You've made a very wise decision.

He leaves, followed by the Goblins.

HOGGLE
I didn't decide nuthin'!

Hoggle stares forlornly at the peach, and soon the water is gone and
he is sitting on cold, damp ground.
Genres: ["fantasy","adventure"]

Summary Jareth captures Hoggle and gives him an ultimatum: deliver Sarah to him or die. Hoggle reluctantly agrees and is given a magic peach to give to Sarah.
Strengths "The tension and high stakes are palpable as Hoggle faces a difficult choice. The dialogue is also strong, with Jareth's sinister nature coming across effectively."
Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, and the setting of Hoggle's predicament is not as visually interesting as other parts of the story."
Critique This scene is well-structured, with clear character motivations and conflict. The dialogue is effective in conveying the tension between Hoggle and Jareth, as well as showing the power dynamic between them. The physical action, such as Hoggle struggling to hold onto the ledge and the goblins pushing him down, adds urgency to the scene and enhances the visual aspect of the story.

One potential area for improvement could be in Hoggle's dialogue. While his accent is established, he may benefit from more distinct characterization through word choice and phrasing. Additionally, there may be an opportunity to further develop Hoggle's emotional state throughout the scene, with deeper exploration of his fear and desperation.

Overall, the scene is engaging and moves the plot forward while also deepening character relationships and dynamics.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop Hoggle's character more. The scene would be more engaging if the audience cared about Hoggle and his predicament. Give him a backstory, a motivation, and a personality that the audience can connect with.

2. Build up the tension. The scene is about Hoggle's dire situation, but it lacks suspense. Add more obstacles for Hoggle to overcome, make the goblins more menacing, and create a sense of urgency.

3. Clarify Jareth's motives. Jareth is the main antagonist, but his motivations are not clear in the scene. Why does he want Sarah? What does he want to do with her? Make his intentions more explicit to add depth to his character.

4. Add more sensory details. The scene takes place in a hole, but the setting is described in very general terms. Add more sensory details to help the audience visualize and immerse themselves in the environment.

5. Improve the dialogue. The dialogue is functional, but it doesn't reveal much about the characters or move the plot forward. Rewrite the dialogue to make it more engaging and meaningful.



Scene 19 -  Wild Dancing and a Rescuer
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. FOREST – DAY

The Wild Things are leading Sarah on a rocky path. She stumbles
along but they couldn't care less.

SARAH
Are you sure this is the way to the castle?

WILD THING #1
Oh, did you say "the castle"?

WILD THING #2
I thought she said hassle!

WILD THING #3
I thought she said rassle!

WILD THING #1
Rassle! That's a wild idea!

He leaps on Sarah and she flings him off.

SARAH
OK, guys, fun's over.

She starts to leave and they pull her back.

WILD THING #2
Over! It's just begun!

And then the musicians are back and the dancing gets wilder than
ever. The Wild Things totally surround Sarah, and though they aren't
hurting her, they are definitely not letting her out. What they do
is start throwing their heads at each other and switching them.

WILD THINGS #1, 2 & 3
Now this is really wild!


ANOTHER ANGLE

A door opens in a nearby boulder and Ludo appears. In the background
WE CAN SEE and hear the Wise One as he wanders off.

WISE ONE
... very often preceded by a porch, or
portico, also verandah, and followed by a
vestibule, otherwise known as an antechamber
or foyer...

HAT
Why me?!!

The door closes. Ludo sees Sarah in the middle of this weirdness and
is just a bit confused. Sarah sees him amidst the flying heads and
cries out in relief.

SARAH
Ludo!
LUDO
Sarah... not... want... castle?

SARAH
Are you kidding?!! Get me out of here!!!

Ludo approaches the Wild Things and grabs a head before it reaches
its target and calmly tosses it into the trees.

WILD THING #3
Hey, big fella! That's a little too wild...

But there's no time to talk because Ludo calmly catches the other
heads and tosses them away. The bodies go scurrying after their
heads, followed by the Musicians. Sarah is free.

SARAH
Oh, Ludo! I'm so glad you're here!

She gives him a kiss and he beams.

SARAH
Where's Hoggle?

LUDO
Hoggle... in... bad... door.

SARAH
We've got to find him! Do you think we can?

Ludo is very confident. He spent a lot of time with the Wise One.

LUDO
Ludo... knows... doors...

He ambles off with Sarah following.

LUDO
Also... portal... or entrance...


INT. HOLE – DAY

Hoggle is more depressed than ever. The peach is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly Ludo's head appears above.

LUDO
Hoggle... all... wet.

Hoggle almost jumps out of his skin and then is totally outraged.

HOGGLE
Ain't that the clever observation, ya feeble
excuse fer a thinkin' creature!

Sarah appears from behind Ludo.

SARAH
Be nice, Hoggle. Or we won't get you out.
Hoggle's face lights up and all thoughts of anger are forgotten.

HOGGLE
Missy!


INT. FOREST – DAY

Sarah, Hoggle and Ludo march through thick, overgrown forest. They
do not know that they are being spied on by Jareth's Goblins.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Musical"]

Summary Sarah is led by wild creatures in the forest while looking for the castle. They lead her to a wild dance party before Ludo rescues her and they continue the search for Hoggle.
Strengths "The whimsical tone is consistent throughout the scene and the music adds an extra layer of enjoyment. The interaction between Sarah and the Wild Things is funny and entertaining. The introduction of Ludo adds to the group dynamic and propels the plot forward."
Weaknesses "Though entertaining, the scene feels like filler and does not add a significant amount of tension or stakes. The dialogue is not particularly memorable or clever."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide feedback regarding the structure, characters, and plot development of the given scene. However, it is important to note that as an AI language model, my critiques are based on certain standards and guidelines that might vary for different screenwriters and storytelling styles. With that said, here is my critique:

Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of action and character interactions. The use of dialogue and physical actions helps to reveal the different personalities of the Wild Things, Sarah, Hoggle, and Ludo. The scene also creates a sense of tension and danger, with the Wild Things trapping Sarah and the threat of Jareth's Goblins spying on the heroes.

One suggestion for improvement might be to provide more context and motivation for the characters. For example, what is the ultimate goal of the heroes? Why are they trying to reach the castle, and what is at stake for them? Additionally, while the scene has some humorous moments, it might benefit from a stronger emotional throughline to connect the audience with the characters on a deeper level.

Overall, the scene showcases the writer's skill in creating a vivid and imaginative world, with quirky and memorable characters. With some further development, it has the potential to be a memorable and engaging part of the larger story.
Suggestions There are several ways to improve this scene:

1. Develop a clearer goal for Sarah: It's not clear why Sarah is trying to get to the castle or why the Wild Things are leading her in the wrong direction. Giving Sarah a clear objective would give the scene more purpose and direction.

2. Create more conflict: The Wild Things are not really posing a threat to Sarah, and there is no real tension in the scene. One way to create more conflict would be to make the Wild Things more aggressive, or have Sarah be more desperate to reach the castle.

3. Add more humor: The Wild Things' dialogue is meant to be funny, but it doesn't really land. Adding more comedic beats and sharper jokes would make the scene more entertaining.

4. Utilize the setting: The forest setting is not really utilized in this scene. Adding more visual elements to the scene, such as obstacles or natural hazards, would make the scene more dynamic.

5. Shorten the scene: This scene is fairly long and doesn't really move the story forward. Shortening it and incorporating its elements into another scene could tighten the pacing of the screenplay.



Scene 20 -  Bridge of Conflict
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 6
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. CLEARING – DAY

The threesome emerge into a clearing and see that they have come to
a wide fissure that goes off in either direction as far as the eye
can see. It is spanned by a rickety bridge held by two thick wooden
posts on either side of the gap. Sarah eyes the bridge warily.

SARAH
It doesn't look too strong but we don't have
much choice...

Suddenly they are interrupted by a high-pitched, but powerful voice.

VOICE (V.O.)
Halt! Halt or be slain forthwith!

At first they don't see a thing and look around for the source of
the voice. Then, the imposing 18 inch high figure of DIDYMUS,
resplendent in rakish hat and swashbuckling sword, emerges from
behind one of the posts and stands in front of the bridge. Ludo and
Sarah are dumbstruck. Hoggle, however, is not at a loss for words.

HOGGLE
Out of our way, ya wretched little rodent...

Didymus looks directly at Hoggle.

DIDYMUS
You, sir, shall be the first to feel the
point of my sword!

Hoggle snorts with derision and Sarah tries a more sensible
approach.

SARAH
Please, we really have to cross this bridge.
It's a matter of life and death!

Didymus shrugs elegantly.

DIDYMUS
Under any other circumstances I would hasten
to oblige you, fair damsel, for your mission
sounds a worthy one.

SARAH
Oh, it is!
DIDYMUS
But I am sworn. Without my permission, none
may pass.

Sarah throws up her hands and Hoggle mumbles under his breath. It
appears to be up to Ludo to break the deadlock. He lifts Didymus up
into the air and moves him to one side. They then start to walk
toward the bridge and Didymus chases them, brandishing his sword.

DIDYMUS
You dishonor me, varlets! En garde!

To his chagrin they ignore him and keep walking.

DIDYMUS
Rapscallions! Duel... or die!

This gets their attention and they turn to look at him, annoyed.

HOGGLE
What is this weasel babblin' about?

It is too much for Didymus. He flings himself at Hoggle with a
mighty war cry. Hoggle tries to run for it but Didymus is right
behind him, administering more than a few pinpricks in embarrassing
places. Hoggle dives behind a bush and Didymus sniffs at his
cowardice. He comes back and faces Ludo.

DIDYMUS
It is you I want, rogue of rogues. You who
dealt me the gravest affront!

And with that he jabs Ludo in the foot! Ludo is stunned, and
howling, begins to hop on his good foot. Didymus, his head thrown
back for a triumphant yell, goes after Ludo with his sword flashing
and there is nothing for Ludo to do but pick up a branch and defend
himself. It is the most mismatched duel in the history of chivalrous
absurdity Didymus moving at an incredible speed, parrying the mighty
swipes of Ludo's branch with great skill – and no small amount of
difficulty. And Ludo fending off the incessant pinpricks of the
little sword, leaping about with surprising agility – and at a rate
that exhausts him totally. Finally, the two of them, breathing
heavily, lower their weapons. And, to everyone's surprise, Didymus
throws down his sword.

DIDYMUS
I no longer wish to slay you, for you are a
truly noble knight.

Then Didymus strides up to him and, craning his neck, attempts to
look Ludo in the eyes.

DIDYMUS
Destroy me if you will.

Ludo quickly drops his branch in response. The whole thing has upset
his gentle nature terribly. Didymus then holds out a tiny paw.
DIDYMUS
Never have I met my match in battle, yet you,
noble knight, have fought me to a standstill.

Ludo kneels and tentatively takes Didymus' paw into his own huge
hand.

DIDYMUS
Let us be brothers henceforth, and fight for
the right as one!

Sarah cheers and Hoggle, unimpressed, rubs his sore rear. Ludo
smiles from ear to ear.

LUDO
Ludo... get... brother!

Then he and Didymus exchange the ritual kiss on each cheek, which in
their case is not easily accomplished. Sarah then turns practical.

SARAH
Well, now that that's settled let's get
going.

She heads for the bridge but Didymus blocks her way.

DIDYMUS
You forget my sacred vow, my lady. I cannot
let you pass.

Sarah is incensed.

SARAH
But you said Ludo was your brother! How can
you refuse him?!!

DIDYMUS
I have taken an oath. I must defend it to the
death.

Hoggle, enraged, turns on Ludo.

HOGGLE
Some brother he turned out ta be!

LUDO
Brother... good!

HOGGLE
Well, if he's so good, why won't he let us
get on with our business?

Ludo scratches his head. He has no idea. Sarah sits down beside the
crestfallen Didymus.

SARAH
OK, let's handle this thing logically. What
exactly have you sworn?

Didymus brandishes his sword.
DIDYMUS
I have sworn with my life-blood, no one shall
pass this way without my permission.

SARAH
Then may we... have your permission?

Didymus is stunned. Hoggle and Ludo barely breathe. Slowly Didymus
looks all around and then, with a courage greater than any he has
ever had to call on before, he says it.

DIDYMUS
Yes.

And the sky doesn't fall, and the earth doesn't heave, and
everything is exactly as it should be.

SARAH
Thank you.

Didymus breathes a sigh of relief and steps aside to let them pass.
Ludo is the first one to go over and that is unfortunate. Because
the rickety bridge collapses under his weight. Sarah and Hoggle jump
back on the ground near Didymus just in time and poor Ludo swings
over the deep fissure, hanging on to one of the ropes that held the
bridge. With a mighty effort he hoists himself up on to the opposite
side and looks forlornly over at the others.

SARAH
Oh no!

Sarah crumples to the ground, and stares miserably at the broken
bridge.

HOGGLE
Now see what ya done, ya mush-brained
mammoth!

DIDYMUS
I, Sir Didymus, take responsibility for the
actions of my brother, my lady. Lash out at
me if you must.

SARAH
I'm not mad at Ludo, Sir Didymus. I'm just
upset because time is running out and I have
to rescue my baby brother.

Didymus is struck to the very roots of his chivalry.

DIDYMUS
You mean to rescue a child?!!

SARAH
The goblin king took him, and I've only
got...

She takes out the watch. The hour hand is on the 5.
SARAH
... five hours to get him back.

Didymus yells across to Ludo.

DIDYMUS
Is this your quest, too, my brother?

LUDO
Save... baby.

Didymus is overwhelmed.

DIDYMUS
Then I shall join you, lady. I am at your
service, upon my sword.

He bows low before Sarah and she smiles.

SARAH
I happily accept your fealty, Sir Didymus.

Hoggle frowns with displeasure at this latest development.

HOGGLE
This is all well an' good, Missy. But we
still got one little problem.

They all look across the fissure at Ludo.

LUDO
Ludo... friends.

HOGGLE
Yes, yes. We're friends. Very nice. What's
that got ta do with us gettin' over there
without a bridge?

LUDO
Rocks... friends.

HOGGLE
We're wastin' our time, Missy. Let's you an'
me go find another...

He is interrupted by Ludo bellowing, which is followed by a
sympathetic rumbling. Suddenly rocks pile in from both directions
until there is a pile in the fissure high enough for them to walk
across.

LUDO
Rocks... friends!

SARAH
(laughing)
They sure are, Ludo!

She skips happily across followed by a sullen Hoggle. Didymus
whistles and is quickly joined by a tail-wagging SHEEPDOG. Sarah
gasps, he is the spitting image of her own Merlin.
SARAH
It's...

DIDYMUS
Ambrosius! My noble steed.

Sarah laughs and shrugs. Nothing surprises her in the labyrinth.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary The trio attempts to cross a rickety bridge held by Didymus, who has sworn with his life-blood to not allow anyone to cross without his permission. Ludo and Didymus engage in a ridiculous duel which ends in Didymus throwing down his sword and conceding. Didymus then allows them to pass, but the bridge collapses under Ludo's weight. Ludo is left hanging on to one of the ropes while Sarah, Hoggle, and Didymus search for a way to help him.
Strengths
  • The ridiculous duel between Didymus and Ludo
  • The introduction of Ambrosius
Weaknesses
  • Slow pace
  • Lack of significant plot developments
Critique Overall, this scene has good dialogue and character interactions, but it can be tightened up for pacing and clarity. Here are some specific critiques:

- The opening description of the fissure and bridge is a bit long-winded and could be condensed for more impact.
- The introduction of Didymus is abrupt and could benefit from some earlier foreshadowing or buildup to his character.
- The fight scene between Didymus and Hoggle/Ludo could be shortened or made more dynamic to maintain interest.
- The resolution of the conflict with Didymus's vow feels rushed and could benefit from more tension or stakes.
- The introduction of Ambrosius feels tacked-on and could be saved for a later scene to avoid overwhelming the audience with too many characters at once.

Overall, this scene has the potential to be entertaining and engaging with some adjustments to pacing and focus.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to increase the tension and stakes. The dialogue between the characters is entertaining, but there isn't much urgency in the scene. Perhaps there could be a physical obstacle, such as a time-sensitive trap on the bridge that they need to navigate, or a group of goblins chasing them from behind. This would raise the stakes and make the scene more thrilling. Additionally, adding more character development for Ludo and Hoggle could give them a more active role in the scene and make their presence more meaningful. Finally, trimming down some of the dialogue could make the scene flow more smoothly and keep the story moving forward.



Scene 21 -  Dancing in the Sky
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

The edge of the forest. From here you can see the castle in the
distance, just across the dry, cracked plain. The sky is full of
stars. Sarah, Hoggle, Ludo and Didymus are sitting around a fire.

DIDYMUS
What will you do after we save the child, my
lady?

SARAH
Take him home, of course! That is, if I can
figure out how.

DIDYMUS
What is your kingdom like? Do you have many
knights to defend your honor?

SARAH
Not even one.

DIDYMUS
It cannot be! What bitter place is this that
does such dishonor to my lady?

SARAH
It's a place where... where nobody really
sees me.

LUDO
Ludo... see... Sarah!

SARAH
(laughs)
I know you do, Ludo.
(she turns to Didymus)
And thanks to you, Sir Didymus, I finally
have a knight.

He bows graciously. Hoggle, who has been watching this scene, feels
rejected and miserable. He gets up and wanders away from the fire.
After a moment, Sarah follows him.

SARAH
Don't you feel like resting?

HOGGLE
I ain't tired.

SARAH
Me neither. What I am is hungry.
Hoggle winces but Sarah doesn't notice. Sarah looks back at Ludo and
Didymus. Ludo lies on his back snoring loudly. Didymus dozes against
Ambrosius' side.

SARAH
They're both wonderful, aren't they?

HOGGLE
They're alright.

SARAH
They're more than that! They're loyal and
strong... and with their help I'm going to
beat Jareth!

Hoggle shakes his head sadly. Sarah speaks as an afterthought.

SARAH
And yours, too, of course.

HOGGLE
I ain't no fighter...

She shrugs that off and wanders away to look out at the castle.
Hoggle goes through agony for a moment, and then makes a decision.

HOGGLE
Missy... if you're hungry...

He holds out the peach that Jareth gave him the world's most
delicious looking peach.

SARAH
Oh, great!

She happily taken the peach and bites. It takes everything Hoggle
has to not put his hands over his ears. She takes another bite and
then stumbles.

SARAH
(laughing)
Everything's dancing...

She looks up at the sky, exhilarated.

SARAH
Even the stars are dancing!

Hoggle turns and walks back to the fire. Sarah stumbles about as she
gazes happily at the sky.


INT. CASTLE – NIGHT

Freddie is leading the Goblins on a merry chase. He crawls around
the room, pulling things off shelves. A GOBLIN is on his hands and
knees in front of Jareth polishing his boots. Jareth kicks the
Goblin and sends him flying across the room. This makes Freddie
laugh and he pulls a book off the shelf and throws it. It hits a
Goblin on the head. Jareth scoops up Freddie and puts him in his
cradle. He sits down next to him.

JARETH
Little goblin-to-be, I have something to
amuse you.

He waves his hands in front of Freddie and suddenly beautiful
crystalline balls appear in them. He runs them over his fingers like
so many coins, their molten light so dazzling that Freddie kicks up
his legs with excitement. And WE CAN SEE that at the end of his
pajamas are two wizened goblin feet! Jareth laughs and flings the
balls into the air and they turn into bubbles, beautiful,
mesmerizing bubbles.

JARETH
Soon, little one. Very, very soon...

And they both watch the bubbles as they fly out the window and over
the labyrinth, coldly beautiful against the darkening sky.


EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

Sarah's hand opens slowly and the half-eaten peach falls to the
ground. She stares out into the sky, mesmerized. The bubbles are
approaching; dazzling, dancing bubbles. And then she hears music,
haunting, spell-casting music. The bubbles come closer and WE CAN
SEE that each one contains a TWIRLING DANCER, a Dancer just like the
one in Sarah's music box. She gets up and follows them.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Hoggle watching from the woods.

HOGGLE
Damn you, Jareth!
(he turns and begins to
walk away)
And damn me too!


ANOTHER ANGLE

A bubble, with Sarah inside it, floating through the sky. She
appears enchanted, and she begins to twirl, just like the other
Dancers.


EXT. BALLROOM – NIGHT

A giant bubble, with a magnificent ballroom inside it. Tiny bubbles
rush to join it. In one of them is Sarah.
Genres: ["fantasy","adventure"]

Summary Sarah and her companions rest by the edge of the forest, discussing their plans and sharing personal stories. Meanwhile, Jareth entertains Freddie with magic tricks and hints at his nefarious plans. Sarah is tempted by a magic peach given to her by Hoggle and becomes entranced by dancing bubbles in the sky.
Strengths "The scene has a strong sense of wonder and enchantment, with magical bubbles and haunting music. The characters are given depth and personality through their conversations. Jareth's foreshadowing of his plans adds tension and intrigue."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action or conflict, with most of the focus on character development and world-building. The introduction of the magic peach feels forced and doesn't have a clear purpose at this point in the story."
Critique
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase tension: The scene doesn't have any clear conflict or tension, which can make it feel flat. Consider adding in something that raises the stakes, like a goblin attack or Jareth's minions trying to capture Sarah and her friends.

2. Develop character relationships: While Sarah and Hoggle's dynamic is briefly highlighted when Hoggle feels rejected, the other character relationships could be fleshed out more. Specifically, Sarah and Didymus could have more moments of bonding or disagreement, which would add depth to their connection.

3. Use more sensory description: The night sky and music are mentioned, but it would be beneficial to use more sensory description throughout the scene to help it come alive. This would make the setting and events more vivid and immersive for the audience.

4. Add foreshadowing: Since this is the second to last scene, adding in some foreshadowing of the final battle with Jareth would help build anticipation and excitement. This could be as simple as mentioning the final plan to defeat him or clues about his weakness.

5. Make the scene more visually interesting: The scene is mostly characters sitting around a fire and chatting, which can be visually boring. Consider adding in more movement, like a dance sequence or characters exploring the forest, to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 22 -  The Ballroom Dream
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BALLROOM – NIGHT

The music changes and now Sarah is inside the ballroom. It is a
magnificent spectacle with all the beauty and decadence of an 118th
Century Venetian ball. Magnificently dressed Dancers swirl to the
music in an incredibly opulent setting. But when you look closer you
sense decay just beneath the surface; things are threadbare, faded.
The GUESTS wear masks that are elegant parodies of goblin faces,
giving them all a slightly sinister look. And there is something
very provocative about all of them; the women have bare shoulders
and daring decolletage, many of the men have their shirts open to
the waist. Some of them lounge against the wall indolently and there
is the feeling that the party has been going on all night. In this
setting Sarah is the picture of innocence. Two women snickering
behind their fans as Sarah approaches, and she is suddenly terribly
self-conscious. How plain She feels amidst all this! She looks into
one of the many mirrors that line the ballroom and sighs at her
image. Then suddenly she sees something in the mirror that makes her
gasp.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The mirror, and in it the reflection of a resplendent Jareth dancing
with a particularly exotic-looking WOMAN. Sarah whirls around,
trying to get another glimpse of Jareth. She is so intent on trying
to see him that she doesn't notice that she is being stared at
brazenly by a YOUNG MAN leaning against the wall. He moves next to
her and whispers something into her ear. She hurries away, shocked;
and the YOUNG MAN throws back his head and laughs. And Jareth sees
the whole thing.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah is approached by a MIDDLE-AGED MAN who has a box hanging at
waist height from a ribbon around his neck. It looks like Sarah's
music box. She looks down at it with interest and he throws open the
cover. But there is no dancer inside, instead there is a stick
carved like a snake. It shoots out at Sarah and she cries out and
backs away. All the people around her laugh and she moves hurriedly
on. Jareth, who is dancing with an even more beautiful woman than
before, watches Sarah.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah is looking for Jareth. She spots him and sees him whisper
something to his partner who smiles knowingly from beneath her mask
and licks her lips. Sarah blushes and turns away and finds herself
looking into another mirror. But in the reflection, Jareth isn't
with a partner. He is standing alone, the DANCERS a whirling blur
around him, and he is looking straight at her. Sarah, whirling
around to face the crowd and she sees Jareth with yet a THIRD
BEAUTY. And then she realizes that it is herself! In a trance-like
state she moves through the crowd to get a better look.
ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S POV

She is whirling in Jareth's arms, and she is the most beautiful
woman at the ball. Jareth smiles down at her and the attraction
between them is palpable.

JARETH
You look like a queen.

Sarah looks up at him, thrilled by his words.

SARAH
I... I feel like... I... don't know what I
feel...

JARETH
(smiling)
Don't you?

And he whirls her around dizzyingly, so dizzyingly that she swoons
in his arms. He catches her before she can fall very far, tightening
his grip around her waist.

SARAH
Are we... are we in a bubble?

JARETH
Yes, we are. A dream bubble... where your
dreams can come true.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Our Sarah is being jostled by the crowd. She stumbles and almost
falls on top of a COUPLE on a bench. The WOMAN is sprawled across
the lap of the MAN who wears a mask with a very phallic nose. Sarah
backs away from them, frightened.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Jareth and Sarah, dancing. She is smiling up at him, he has never
looked more handsome. There is something more open about him, as if
he, too, is caught up in the moment. He nuzzles her hair with his
lips and whispers in her ear.

JARETH
(whispering)
My Queen!

Then he begins a song. A song that tells Sarah he will give her
everything she wants, even things she doesn't know she wants. A song
that says forget it all; all the restrictions, all the
powerlessness. Forget and stay in the dream.
ANOTHER ANGLE

Our Sarah watches, mesmerized. But every time she tries to get
closer to Jareth and Sarah she in jostled by a lascivious ADMIRER,
pushed out of the way by WOMEN laughingly being chased by MEN. She
stumbles against a wall and a door opens. Inside, pillow feathers
are flying and she can't make out what the several people are doing.
A WOMAN comes up to the doorway, winks at Sarah, and closes the
door.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Jareth finishes the song and Sarah looks up at him, smiling. He
moves his face closer to hers and she closes her eyes. His face
comes closer, and closer.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Our Sarah shrinks back from what she is seeing. She turns and runs,
pushing herself though the languid crowd, right into the bubble
itself.


EXT. BALL – NIGHT

Sarah comes crashing through the bubble and the whole ballroom
crumbles. In seconds it resembles nothing so much as a junkyard.


EXT JUNK CITY – NIGHT

Sarah runs through the streets of a part-market, part-junkyard.
There are piles of rubble and junk everywhere, and between them are
tents from which people hawk objects of all kinds. Some of them
approach Sarah and she pushes them away, sobbing.


ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S POV – A RED TENT

And standing in front of it is an OLD WOMAN stooped over from the
objects piled high on her back. She beckons to Sarah and pulls the
tent flap aside.

JUNK WOMAN
'Ere it is, Dearie. All the fings you want,
all the fings you need.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The flap opens wider and inside the tent WE CAN SEE Sarah's room!
ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah gasps at the sight and runs headlong into the tent. She trips
over the threshold and lands face down on her bed.


INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah sits up on the bed and looks around the room. She shakes her
head and laughs.

SARAH
What a dream!

She gets up and stretches, then walks over to the mirror. She smiles
at her reflection.

SARAH
Yep, you've got quite an imagination, kid,
Just what a great actress needs.

She walks over to the bed and picks up Lancelot the bear.

SARAH
How about a midnight snack, Sir Lance...

She goes over to the door and opens it.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Romance"]

Summary Sarah finds herself in a magnificent ballroom full of masked dancers and is caught up in a dreamlike sequence with Jareth. However, when she begins to be pushed out of the dream, she crashes through it and ends up in a junkyard, only to find her own room waiting for her inside a tent
Strengths "The visuals and atmosphere of the ballroom are mesmerizing, capturing the dreamlike tone of the scene. Jareth's manipulative charm adds to the tension and temptation Sarah faces, while her realization that what she was searching for was inside her all along adds depth to her character."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could be stronger, as it relies heavily on Jareth's charm and promises to move the story forward. The scene could benefit from more development to the characters outside of Sarah and Jareth."
Critique The scene is well written, and it effectively sets up the contrast between Sarah's innocence and the decadence of the ballroom. The use of descriptive language is vivid, and it creates a clear mental image of the scene. However, the scene could benefit from more dialogue, as it is mainly described through action and visuals. Adding more dialogue between characters could create a more dynamic and engaging scene. Additionally, it may be helpful to clarify the purpose of the scene and how it serves the overall story.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from some tightening and clearer character motivations. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Clarify Sarah's motivation for being at the ball. Is she looking for Jareth specifically or just exploring this new world she's found herself in? This will help give the scene more tension and purpose.

- Consider condensing some of the descriptions of the ballroom and guests. While it's important to establish the setting, some of the descriptions could be shortened or simplified to keep the pace moving.

- Give the young man who whispers something to Sarah more specific dialogue. Right now it's unclear what he says or why it's so shocking to her.

- Consider cutting the music box scene or changing it to make it more clear why it's there and what purpose it serves in the story.

- Clarify Jareth's motivations throughout the scene. Is he trying to seduce Sarah or control her in some way? What does he want from her? This will help make their interactions more compelling.

- Consider adding some more variety to the action happening in the ballroom. Right now it feels like there's a lot of dancing and mingling but not much else going on. Adding some more specific events or interactions could make the scene more engaging.



Scene 23 -  The Junk Lady's Deceit
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. JUNK CITY – NIGHT

SARAH'S POV – THE MARKET / JUNKYARD TEEMING WITH ACTIVITY

The JUNK WOMAN peers in.

JUNK WOMAN
'Aven't you got everythin' you need, Dearie?


INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah screams and slams the door. She buries her face in the bear.

SARAH
It is just a dream!

She takes a deep breath and goes to the door again. She opens it
very slowly.


EXT. JUNK CITY – NIGHT

SARAH'S POV – THE SAME TEEMING ACTIVITY

The Junk Woman peers in again.

JUNK WOMAN
Best to stay in there, where it's safe,
Dearie. Don't know what might 'appen to you
out 'ere.
INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah clams the door again and rushes over to the window. A GROUP OF
REVELLERS peer in at her and laugh. She quickly pulls the curtains
closed and walks back to the center of the room. She stands
clutching the bear, then looks up at her reflection in the mirror.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah's reflection. Herself as a very old woman, clutching a teddy
bear.

OLD SARAH
Best to stay in here where it's safe. Don't
know what might happen to you out there.

Sarah steps back from the mirror and suddenly the floor becomes a
sea of mud and all the objects in the room come falling down on her.
As she tries to rise out of the muck more objects land on and around
her and pull her down.

SARAH
Help! Somebody help me!


EXT. JUNK CITY – NIGHT

Ludo and Didymus desperately searching for Sarah, Didymus riding his
dog.


INT. TAVERN TENT – NIGHT

Hoggle sits at a bar, drowning his sorrows. A JUNK MAN/BARTENDER
works behind the bar. Hoggle slams his cup down.

HOGGLE
Another!

The Bartender holds out his hand greedily. Hoggle pulls a treasure
off his belt and slams it on the bar. The Bartender pours.


EXT. JUNK CITY – NIGHT

Didymus and Ludo approach the red tent. They spy the Junk Woman.

DIDYMUS
Did you see a noble maiden pass this way?

JUNK WOMAN
A noble maiden, eh? What would she be doin'
in a place like this?

DIDYMUS
She's on a rescue mission...

The Junk Woman finds this hilarious.
JUNK WOMAN
A rescue mission, ha! You're in the wrong
place, for sure! The only fings we cares
about rescuin' around 'ere is our worldly
goods!

She takes an oil lamp off her back and shines it on her sleeve for
emphasis.


INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah is drowning in a sea of junk. She hears Didymus and cries out
hopefully.

SARAH
Didymus, in here! Help me!

The door opens and the Junk Woman peers inside.

JUNK WOMAN
Don't worry, Dearie. I sent 'im away!

Sarah groans.

JUNK WOMAN
Knew you wouldn't want to be leavin' your
nice fings for no rescue mission.

SARAH
Oh my god! Freddie!

JUNK WOMAN
Freddie? Is that one of them dolls over
there... or that nice teddy?

Sarah struggles for the door in the sea of junk.

SARAH
No! He's my brother! And I've got to save
him!

She continues pushing through the junk.

JUNK WOMAN
No you don't, Dearie. You can stay right 'ere
with all your pretty fings...

Sarah knows what her choice has to be.

SARAH
I know I can.
(joyous)
But I don't want to!

She lifts herself out of the junk with a mighty heave and stands in
the doorway. She looks down at the Junk Woman triumphantly.

SARAH
Now get out of my way!
EXT. JUNK CITY – NIGHT

Sarah runs out of the tent, a look of triumph on her face.

The Junk Woman pulls something off her own pile and holds it out to
Sarah.

JUNK WOMAN
Wait, Dearie! Look at this!

She holds out Sarah's music box, opens it, and the little Dancer
twirls inside.

SARAH
(grinning)
Keep it!

And she is off. As Sarah goes the CAMERA LINGERS on the Junk Woman.
And we begin to move around to her other side and even though we had
just seen her from all sides, we now see something very, very
different. Where the other side of the woman should be WE SEE a
cross-section of her, with Jareth inside. His head is beneath the
pile of junk and his hand is inside her head making it laugh. He is
the puppeteer operating the Junk Lady, as indeed, she has been
operated. Jareth is mad.

JARETH
Damn.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah is tempted by the Junk Lady to stay in her luxurious room while Jareth toys with Freddie. Sarah ultimately rejects the offer and returns to her search for her brother.
Strengths "The whimsical tone and imaginative setting continue to draw the audience in. Sarah's refusal to give up her quest for her brother demonstrates her character growth."
Weaknesses "The scene may feel disconnected from the overarching plot of finding Sarah's brother. The dialogue is not particularly memorable."
Critique This scene is well-written, as it effectively conveys Sarah's fear and confusion as she navigates the bustling and dangerous Junk City. The use of Sarah's reflection as an older version of herself is a clever way to illustrate her fears of growing older and losing innocence. Additionally, the reveal that the Junk Woman is actually being controlled by Jareth adds an eerie and unsettling tone to the scene.

One potential critique is that some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose, such as when the Junk Woman mocks Didymus for being on a "rescue mission." It could be more effective to show her disdain for the characters through her actions rather than through direct and obvious verbal jabs.

Overall, this scene effectively builds tension and highlights Sarah's bravery in the face of danger and deception.
Suggestions 1. Consider adding more visual description to the scene to create a clearer image for the reader. Add more detail about the junk city and the junk woman, especially what their appearance and actions are like.

2. Cut down on the dialogue and use more action to portray the scene. Use descriptive language to show what Sarah is feeling and doing, rather than relying on her dialogue to do so.

3. Clarify the connection between Sarah's reflection in the mirror and the scene in the junk room. Make it more apparent that it is a hallucination or a dream.

4. Consider cutting down on the Junk Woman's dialogue and making her a more ominous and menacing figure, to increase the tension of the scene.

5. Consider making Jareth's presence more apparent throughout the scene and build up to his reveal at the end with more suspense.



Scene 24 -  The Battle in Goblin Town
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. CASTLE GATE – NIGHT

Ludo and Didymus sit forlornly at the gate. Sarah appears out of the
night.

DIDYMUS
My lady!

Ludo leaps to his feet.

LUDO
Sarah... safe!

Sarah rushes into his arms.

DIDYMUS
Is Hoggle not with you?

Sarah pulls away from Ludo.

SARAH
Hoggle made his choice, he's... not part of
the mission anymore.

DIDYMUS
(angry)
The coward!

LUDO
Hoggle... good!
Sarah shrugs, and smiles at him.

SARAH
Maybe. But there's no time to discuss it.
We've got a baby to rescue, remember!

She leads them through the gates.


EXT. GOBLIN TOWN – NIGHT

Streets full of hovels encircle the castle. This is where the
Goblins live. As Sarah, Ludo and Hoggle walk through the dark, eerie
streets they are met by the slamming of shutters and the
extinguishing of lights.

DIDYMUS
Methinks they are expecting us, my lady.

A CHILD GOBLIN peers at them from an open doorway. A FEMALE GOBLIN
sees him and drags him inside and slams the door.

SARAH
(grimly)
Methinks you're right!


INT. TAVERN – NIGHT

Hoggle is still at it. He pulls his belt off his body and WE SEE
that the only treasure left is Sarah's plastic circlet. He slowly
pulls it off and stares at it. The Bartender approaches, his eyes
lighting up at the eight of this treasure.

BARTENDER
Another?

Hoggle hesitates, then hands the circlet over. The Bartender bites
it and his face lights up with glee.

BARTENDER
Plastic!

He goes to get the drink and Hoggle puts his face down on the bar
and sobs.


ANOTHER ANGLE

At the other end of the bar sits the Wise One. The hat looks over at
Hoggle and shakes his head knowingly.

HAT
Drinkin' to forget, eh, buddy?

Hoggle looks up.
WISE ONE
To forget, ah yes. To suffer a mental lapse,
to obliterate from one's consciousness, to
suffer amnesia, a blank or fugue, to drink
the waters of Lethe...

HOGGLE
(drunkenly)
What's Lethe...

WISE ONE
The waters of forgetfulness. They remove from
our minds what is too painful to remember...

Hoggle looks thoughtfully at the drink in his hand.

WISE ONE
... but with the memory goes our wisdom, or
knowledge, that which brings us
understanding, also enlightenment...

But there is no one to continue benefitting from the Wise One's
pearls. Hoggle is gone.

HAT
You can cool it down there... he's gone...

WISE ONE
... a grasp of things, a depth or profundity
of thought...

The hat sighs and looks over at the Bartender who is still admiring
his plastic treasure.

HAT
Another one over here... and make it a
double...


EXT. GOBLIN TOWN – NIGHT

Sarah, Ludo and Didymus emerge into the vast courtyard outside the
castle. It in eerily quiet. Too quiet.

SARAH
We're going to make it!

Didymus sniffs the air.

DIDYMUS
I am less than sure...

They are interrupted by a high-pitched shriek as a GOBLIN jumps on
Ludo's back. Then the courtyard is filled with Goblins, what seems
like the whole army, coming right at them. Didymus fends off the
vanguard party with his sword and Ludo punches out the ones that get
by him. Didymus unswords a GOBLIN and his weapon goes flying. Sarah
picks it up and does some parrying of her own. But there are too
many of them. The threesome turn and run.
INT. CASTLE – NIGHT

Jareth stands by the window, watching the battle. The white bird
sits on his shoulder. Jareth looks over at Freddie who stands
holding on to the side of the cradle. Jareth smiles and turns back
to the melee below. The bird flies out the window.


EXT. GOBLIN TOWN – NIGHT

Sarah, Ludo and Didymus race down the streets. The Goblins are in
hot pursuit.


EXT. STREET – NIGHT

They come careening around a corner and it seems that they have
escaped their pursuers. The sound of the Goblins seems to be getting
farther away.

SARAH
I think we lost them.

They turn and see that, unfortunately they have come full circle and
are right back in the courtyard. Ludo climbs part way up a wall and
looks over the streets.

DIDYMUS
What do you see, my brother?

Ludo gulps. What he sees is the Goblin army coming down every street
right towards them.

LUDO
Ludo... see... trouble!

And then the trouble arrives and Sarah and Didymus are heavily into
swordplay. Ludo tries clumsily to get down and is tormented by
Goblins who prick at him with their spears. Sarah looks up and sees
his predicament. She gets an idea.

SARAH
Call the rocks, Ludo! Call the rocks!

Ludo makes a heroic effort and gets to the top of the wall.

He then throws his head back and bellows.


EXT. GOBLIN TOWN – NIGHT

An enormous rumbling is heard and soon the streets are filled with
boulders, all careening towards Ludo. They knock Goblins out of
their path like so many bowling pins.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah, Ludo, and Didymus race through Goblin Town, fighting off the army of goblins in pursuit. They eventually get trapped in the courtyard and are heavily involved in a fight. Sarah tells Ludo to summon rocks to defeat the goblins and they are successful.
Strengths "The battle scene shows a lot of tension and a high level of stakes. The use of Ludo's abilities to summon the rocks adds an interesting element to the scene and creates a satisfying resolution to the conflict."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been more impactful and emotional to add more depth to the characters and their situations. The scene could have also benefited from more unique action sequences rather than relying on swordplay."
Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and tension as the characters navigate through danger and conflict. However, some of the dialogue feels forced and stilted, especially in the first few lines when Didymus and Ludo greet Sarah. Their dialogue could benefit from more natural language and less exposition. Additionally, some of the descriptions feel superfluous, such as the Bartender biting the plastic circlet and the Wise One's rambling monologue about Lethe. These details don't seem to add much to the scene and could be trimmed down to keep the focus on the action and character development. Overall, the scene could be more effective with some tightening of dialogue and descriptions.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider adding more description to the physical actions to make them more vivid and engaging for the viewer. For example: "Didymus fends off the vanguard party with his sword and Ludo punches out the ones that get by him" could be expanded to describe the specific sword techniques Didymus uses and the brute force behind Ludo's punches.

2. Think about the pacing of the scene. While it's important to build tension and conflict, there may be opportunities to vary the timing of events to keep the audience on their toes. For example, maybe the scene starts out with a quiet lull, and then suddenly erupts into chaos when the goblins attack.

3. Consider the dialogue and how it might reveal more about the characters' motivations and personalities. While some of the lines are simple and effective (e.g. "Call the rocks, Ludo! Call the rocks!"), others could benefit from more depth and complexity.

4. Finally, think about how the scene fits into the larger narrative arc of the movie. Does it move the story forward in a meaningful way? Does it reveal something new about the characters or the world they inhabit? Ensuring that every scene serves a clear purpose will help the script feel focused and purposeful.



Scene 25 -  Escape from Goblin Town
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 6
EXT. COURTYARD – NIGHT

Sarah and Didymus fight bravely. Ludo keeps bellowing and throwing
off the occasional Goblin that is stupid enough to jump on him. Soon
the rocks reach the courtyard and form a barrier between the
threesome and their attackers. Ludo reaches down and lifts Sarah and
Didymus on to the wall. They jump and disappear into the castle
enclave.


INT. CASTLE – NIGHT

A door opens in a dark part of the castle. Ludo, Sarah and Didymus
enter. They look around and quickly tip-toe down a dark corridor.
They turn a corner and see some Goblins marching their way. They
duck out of sight.


EXT. CASTLE – NIGHT

The main entrance to the castle. TWO GOBLIN GUARDS stand outside the
large wooden doors. The results of the threesome's escape can be
heard in the distance. A FIGURE staggers out of the dark, singing
drunkenly. It is Hoggle.

HOGGLE
"... it's so cold in the night with no gold
to keep me warm..."

He trips over his feet as he approaches the Guard.

GUARD
Who goes there?

Hoggle "... so cold, oh so cold..."

GUARD #2
Don't worry about him. He's on Jareth's
payroll now.

Hoggle falls to the ground, then picks himself up.

HOGGLE
Thash right. Jareth owes me sumthin'... an'
I'm here ta collect...

They laugh at him, then step aside and let him enter.


INT. CASTLE – NIGHT

A GROUP OF GOBLINS stand in a circle in a corridor. They torment a
tiny, fuzzy yapping CREATURE with their nipper sticks. The creature
gets away from them and goes scurrying down the corridor. The
Goblins laugh. It turns a corner and starts yapping for all it's
worth.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah, Ludo and Didymus pressed against the wall, trying to not be
noticed. Unfortunately the little creature has no sympathy for their
plight. It stands at their feet, making a ruckus.
SARAH
(whispering)
Shut up, you little monster!

Ludo bends down to pet it in the hopes of quieting it.

LUDO
Nice... thing...

But the creature doesn't want a pet. It sinks its teeth into Ludo's
hand. Ludo howls.

DIDYMUS
I fear that this means trouble.

The Goblins yell and start running down the corridor.

SARAH
Run for it!

They are off, the creature and the Goblins at their heels.


INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT

The three are running for all they're worth. Sarah pulls the watch
out of her pocket. It is on the 12.

SARAH
Only a half hour left! We've got to find
Freddie!


ANOTHER ANGLE

Yet ANOTHER GROUP OF GOBLINS running right toward them. They stop in
their tracks and start running in the opposite direction.


INT. INNER COURTYARD – NIGHT

The three come careening into the long narrow inner courtyard.
Balconies look down on it from the floor above. Opposite them is a
large ornate door. They have a lead on the Goblins chasing them, but
not for long.


ANOTHER ANGLE

On one of the balconies a particularly repulsive little Goblin
laughs sadistically. The three look up and see the Goblin with his
hands on a huge lever. He pushes it down gleefully and the floor
opens up in front of the threesome. It appears to be a bottomless
pit, too wide to leap across. Horrified they look behind them and
see the Goblins gaining on them. And they're throwing spears!
Suddenly there is a triumphant yell from the balcony opposite the
repulsive Goblin, and then a FIGURE leaps off it swinging on a rope.

SARAH
Hoggle!
It certainly is! He wrestles with the hideous Goblin and in the
struggle it falls screaming into the pit. Hoggle then grabs the
lever and it is not a second too soon. The pursuing Goblins are
entering the courtyard.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The floor closes and the three run to the door. An enraged PURSUER
aims a spear at Hoggle. He is hit. Sarah screams as Ludo struggles
with the door. It won't budge and he begins to smash his body
against it.


ANOTHER ANGLE

A seemingly half-dead Hoggle staggers to his feet and throws his
body on the lever. He appears to faint from the strain but the
weight of his body pushes the lever and the floor opens again.


ANOTHER ANGLE

The enraged Goblins are stopped in their tracks by the yawning pit.
They hurl spears at the threesome but it is to no avail. Ludo
smashes down the door and they run in.
Genres: ["fantasy","adventure"]

Summary Sarah, Ludo, and Didymus escape from the goblins in the courtyard by using rocks to form a barrier and climbing onto a wall. They enter the castle, but encounter more goblins and have to run from them, with a little creature causing trouble. They end up in an inner courtyard where a repulsive goblin opens a bottomless pit, but Hoggle saves them by wrestling the goblin and closing the floor before the pursuing goblins can cross it. They finally make it through a door into the castle.
Strengths "The scene is action-packed and filled with obstacles that the characters must overcome. The stakes are high and the tension is maintained throughout."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is not particularly memorable. The scene relies more on action and plot than on character and theme development."
Critique Overall, the scene has a clear structure and builds tension well as the characters navigate their way through the castle, encountering various obstacles and enemies. However, there are a few areas where the dialogue could be sharpened or made more distinctive. For example, the conversation between the guards and Hoggle is fairly generic and could use a bit more quirkiness or humor to give it some personality. Additionally, some of the action descriptions could benefit from being more specific or vivid to help bring the scene to life. For example, when the floor opens up, it's not entirely clear how wide the pit is or what it looks like, which can make it harder for the reader to visualize and feel the danger. Overall, though, the scene effectively advances the plot and presents some engaging obstacles for the characters to overcome.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the stakes: What happens if they don't find Freddie in half an hour? Why is this important to the plot? Adding some urgency to the scene will make it more engaging.

2. Develop the characters: What are Sarah, Ludo, and Didymus feeling as they fight their way through the castle? Are they scared, determined, or something else? How do they interact with each other during the action scenes?

3. Show, don't tell: Instead of having the guards say that Hoggle is on Jareth's payroll, show Hoggle bargaining with them or something similar. This will make his character more interesting and add some depth to the plot.

4. Add more description: The scene is quite short and could benefit from some additional sensory details to make it more vivid. What do the goblins look like? What does the castle smell like? These small details can make a big difference in how the scene is perceived.

5. Cut unnecessary details: The scene includes some small details, like the fuzzy yapping creature, that don't really add anything to the plot. Trimming unnecessary details can make the scene more focused and engaging.



Scene 26 -  The Final Showdown
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. JARETH'S QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sarah, Didymus, and Ludo carrying Hoggle enter the room where we
have seen Jareth and Freddie. They lock the door behind them. No one
is there and Freddie's cradle is rocking, as if someone had removed
him only moments before. Ludo places Hoggle down and Sarah looks
feverishly around the room. She spots a door.

SARAH
That's the only way he could have gone!

She runs to the door and Ludo and Didymus follow.

SARAH
No. I have to face him alone!

DIDYMUS
But, my lady...

He is interrupted by the sound of Goblins in pursuit. They start
trying to smash down the door. Ludo runs to it and presses his body
against it. Hoggle moans and Didymus and Sarah run to his side.

HOGGLE
I don't expect ya to fergive me, Missy,
but...

She puts her finger to his lips.

SARAH
Forgive you for what? Saving our lives?
HOGGLE
But, I betrayed ya, I gave ya that damned
peach...

SARAH
Ssh! You did the only thing you could do...

She looks down at his empty belt.

SARAH
... and I see you lost all your treasures in
the process.

HOGGLE
I don't care if I never sees another treasure
again!

SARAH
(smiles)
Here. Just in case you change your mind.

She slips off her mother's ring and presses it into Hoggle's hand.
He is overwhelmed and Sarah smiles at his pleasure.

HOGGLE
And Jareth said ya could never love me.

SARAH
Jareth doesn't know everything.

She leaps to her feet and Hoggle moans.

SARAH
Take care of him, Didymus.

DIDYMUS
I'll guard the valiant Hoggle with my life!

The Goblins give the door a particularly loud smash and Ludo presses
against the door even harder.

LUDO
Ludo... too!

She runs to the other door and stops to look back at them.

SARAH
No maiden could have wished for nobler
knights.

And she is gone.


ESCHER ROTUNDA – NIGHT

Sarah enters an overwhelming room with many staircases, balconies
and doorways at different heights and at all kinds of strange angles
that obviously have no relation to what we know as gravity. Her
knees buckling from vertigo. Then she gasps.
ANOTHER ANGLE

Jareth is sitting on the wall with all the ease of a fly.

JARETH
I've been expecting you.

Sarah stumbles and falls into the room, ending up on the ceiling.
She tries to adjust to being upside down.

SARAH
Where's Freddie?!!!

She has to look down and sideways to see Jareth and it is clearly
grueling.

JARETH
He's right there.

And he points to one of the stairways that juts out at a right angle
from the wall. Freddie is climbing up the stairs happily, but from
Sarah's point of view it looks like he will fall when he gets to the
top.

SARAH
(screaming)
Freddie! No!!!

Freddie gets to the top but doesn't fall, instead he ends up
crawling up the wall. Sarah sighs with relief and closes her eyes.
This sends her reeling and she ends up in one of the archways. She
tries to orient herself but there is no up, no down, no sideways.
And the baby is about to crawl off a balcony! Sarah screams and
Jareth laughs. He begins a song that tells Sarah she never really
understood what was gain on. Nothing is what it appears to be, not
even things like "up" and "down."


ANOTHER ANGLE

Freddie in the most precarious-looking situation yet, at the top of
a staircase. He hesitates to crawl down, and to lure him, Jareth
creates a ball out of thin air and throws it to the baby. Of course,
it bounces up. And all the while his song is taunting Sarah. She
turns away from him and looks into the large mirror framed in the
archway. She sees endless SarahS. And while she's looking, the first
reflection runs to the left, the reflection behind that to the
right, and so on all the way down the line. And Sarah's still
standing there! She falls backwards and ends up standing on the
floor, watching Freddie chase his ball across the ceiling. Jareth
dances on the wall now as he is about to finish his song. And there
is Freddie on one of the balconies facing out of the rotunda. If he
falls off that, he'll really fall! Sarah runs up the opposite wall
and finds that there is sheer space between her and the baby. The
only way to reach him is to jump. She looks at Jareth who grins at
her, then at Freddie who is teetering on the edge. As Jareth comes
to the end of the song there is nothing to do but jump. She looks at
Jareth and can't repress a grin of her own.
SARAH
Like the man said, "nothing is what it
appears to be!"

She jumps.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Sarah and her companions confront Jareth to save Freddie and defeat the Goblin army.
Strengths "High stakes and tension, visually stunning scene, good character moments for Hoggle and Sarah."
Weaknesses "Dialogue is weaker than other scenes, some plot points feel predictable."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written. The tension between Sarah, Didymus, Ludo, and Hoggle as they navigate Jareth's quarters is palpable, and the action is described in a clear and easy-to-follow way. The introduction of the Escher Rotunda is also a great concept and adds a lot of visual interest to the scene.

One possible critique is that the dialogue can feel a bit melodramatic at times. Lines like "No maiden could have wished for nobler knights" and "Take care of him, Didymus. I'll guard the valiant Hoggle with my life!" may come across as overly formal or cheesy to some audiences.

Additionally, while the description of the Escher Rotunda is fascinating and imaginative, there are moments where it becomes difficult to follow exactly what's happening. For example, when Sarah falls into one of the archways, it's not immediately clear how she's orienting herself or where she is in relation to the other characters.

Overall, though, this scene sets up a lot of great conflict and tension, and introduces some really interesting visual concepts.
Suggestions - Consider making the scene more visually dynamic with descriptions of camera angles and movement. How can you convey the disorientation and surreal nature of the setting through visual storytelling?

- Could the dialogue be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful? Consider cutting any unnecessary lines or repetitions.

- Think about the pacing of the scene. Are there moments where the tension could be heightened or slowed down for dramatic effect?

- The stakes of the scene could be made clearer. Why does Sarah need to reach Freddie? What are the consequences if she doesn't? Adding more urgency to the situation could make the scene more engaging.

- Consider adding more obstacles or challenges for Sarah to overcome in order to reach Freddie. This could increase the tension and make the scene more exciting to watch.



Scene 27 -  Sarah Rejects Jareth's Offer
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. JARETH'S CHAMBERS – NIGHT

Sarah falls right on to a magnificent huge bed. Opposite her Jareth
sits in a chair. Freddie, wrapped in a blanket, is gurgling on his
lap. Sarah reaches into her pocket and pulls out the watch. It is a
few minutes before 13. Jareth stands up.

JARETH
There's still time.

He gestures to a clock on the wall that shows the same time as her
watch. He places Freddie into a cradle and comes over to the bed. He
looks down at her.

JARETH
Besides, I'm no longer interested in having a
little goblin prince. I've decided I'd much
rather have a queen.

He looks into her eyes for a moment. Sarah doesn't look away.
Instead, she slowly eases herself off the bed and stands facing him.

SARAH
(archly)
A queen? Have you chosen anyone I know.

She glides by him and walks to the window. Jareth chuckles
appreciatively.

JARETH
You've come a long way, little girl.

Sarah looks out at the labyrinth.

SARAH
I certainly have.

She turns to face him.

JARETH
Yes, I can see it in your eyes.
(he moves closer to her)
No one else has ever made it this far in the
labyrinth, no one else has ever been
worthy...

He takes her hand and brings it to his lips. She smiles down at him.

SARAH
What's your offer.
Jareth stands quickly and looks at her. She certainly has come a
long way!

JARETH
Why, everything... you'll rule by my side.

SARAH
Everything? The chance to spend my life
surrounded by repulsive goblins... the chance
to torment innocent creatures...

JARETH
(shaking his head)
... the chance to never have a care in the
world, to never have to do anything that you
don't want to do.

Sarah looks at him.

SARAH
Anything else?

JARETH
(smiling)
Why, me. Of course.

Sarah surreptitiously eyes the clock. There is about a minute left.
She glides away from the window and tries to position herself closer
to Freddie.

SARAH
And what if I'm not interested?

Jareth reacts with surprise for a moment, then shakes his head.

JARETH
Impossible. I know you, I know what you
want...

SARAH
Well, I've got news for you, Jareth.

She makes a beeline for the cradle.

SARAH
I don't want you!

She's almost at the cradle but Jareth grabs her arm and stops her.

SARAH
(shocked, enraged)
Why, you miserable creep!

Jareth has hold of her arms but she breaks away and hauls off and
punches him in the jaw. Jareth steps back, stunned. Sarah scoops up
the screaming Freddie.

SARAH
How could you do this to an innocent baby?!!
Jareth stands rubbing his jaw, snivelling, stunned.

JARETH
You hit me!

Sarah, Freddie in her arms, goes right up to him.

SARAH
And I'd like to do more... you, you...!

She is furious and wants to hit him again badly. Since she has the
baby in her arms she makes do with kicking him hard in the shin.
Jareth howls and grabs his leg.

SARAH
I wouldn't want you if you were the last...
goblin on earth!

The white bird flies through the window and lands on Sarah's
shoulder. Jareth puts his hands on his ears.

JARETH
Don't say that!

But it is too late, he starts shrinking.

JARETH
Look at me!
(whining)
How could you do this to me!

Before Sarah's eyes Jareth turns into an undersized, ineffective,
snivelling little GOBLIN. The features are those of a goblin, but
still recognizably Jareth.


INT. CASTLE – NIGHT

Jareth's quarters, where Didymus tends Hoggle and Ludo still blocks
the door.

JARETH (V.O.)
(whiney scream)
Why does everything have to happen to me!

They look at each other and suddenly Ludo realizes that the Goblins
are no longer trying to break down the door. The three start to
laugh.

HOGGLE
(proudly)
She did it!

They cheer.
INT. JARETH'S CHAMBERS – NIGHT

Jareth, the bratty little Goblin, is throwing a tantrum.

JARETH
Nobody ever cares about what I want!

The walls and floor shake so from his pounding fists and feet that a
crack opens up right in front of Sarah's feet. She looks at the
clock and the minute hand moves to the 13. She looks at Freddie.
There's nothing to do but jump into the void. The clock begins to
strike.

SARAH
OK, Freddie. Time to go bye-bye!

She jumps.


EXT. SKY – NIGHT

Sarah and Freddie spinning through the dark, starry sky. The
striking of the clock continues.


ANOTHER ANGLE

CLOSE ON SARAH AND FREDDIE

Sarah pulls him closer, lovingly. And they go on spinning.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Action"]

Summary Sarah rejects Jareth's offer to rule by his side and hits him, causing him to transform into a goblin. She and her companions laugh while Jareth throws a tantrum and opens a crack in the floor, forcing Sarah and Freddie to jump into the void.
Strengths "Action-packed scene with a clear and satisfying resolution to the conflict between Sarah and Jareth. The stakes are high and the tension is maintained throughout the scene. Sarah's rejection of Jareth's offer is a strong character moment."
Weaknesses "The dialogue, while effective, is not particularly memorable. Some viewers may find the violent conclusion to the conflict between Sarah and Jareth unsettling."
Critique Overall, the scene does a good job of showcasing Sarah's growth and her rejection of Jareth's offer. The use of the clock and the looming deadline adds tension and urgency to the scene.

However, some dialogue feels a bit cliche and could be improved upon. For example, Jareth's "You've come a long way, little girl" and Sarah's "Why, you miserable creep!" feel overly simplistic and lack depth.

In addition, the fight scene between Sarah and Jareth could benefit from more specific action descriptions. It's not clear how Sarah breaks away from Jareth's grasp or how she kicks him in the shin while holding Freddie. More detailed descriptions of these actions would make the scene more engaging and exciting.

Furthermore, there are missed opportunities in terms of setting and description. We know that Jareth's chambers are "magnificent" and there is a clock on the wall, but there is no sense of the overall atmosphere or mood of the room. The labyrinth is also mentioned, but there is no description of what it looks or feels like, which could create a more immersive experience for the audience.

Overall, while the scene has its strengths, there is room for improvement in terms of dialogue and description.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and urgency to the scene. It is the penultimate scene, and the protagonist is making a crucial decision about her fate and her relationship with the antagonist.

One way to do this is to add more obstacles for Sarah to overcome in her negotiations with Jareth. For example, he could bring up her past mistakes and failures in the labyrinth, trying to undermine her confidence. Or he could threaten to harm her friends or family if she doesn't comply. This would raise the stakes and make Sarah's victory over Jareth more satisfying and earned.

Another suggestion is to give more agency to Freddie. As it is, he is mostly a prop in the scene, used to show Jareth's character development and Sarah's quick thinking. However, if he were given more personality and significance in the plot, Sarah's decision to risk her life to save him would carry more emotional weight and resonate with the audience.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more dramatic visuals and music. Since it takes place in a grand chamber, there is a lot of potential for fantastical elements like glowing crystals, shifting floors, and magical illusions. If the music were more intense and thematic, it would enhance the sense of danger and excitement.



Scene 28 -  Sarah's Redemption
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. NURSERY – NIGHT

Sarah is lying face down on the floor. She comes to slowly and tries
to sit up. Groaning, she rubs her head where it bumped on the corner
of the open drawer. She tries to focus, blinking her eyes.


ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S POV

Her eyes slowly focus on Freddie's crib. When she can see, she
gasps. Freddie's not there! The side of the crib is down and the
baby is nowhere to be seen.

SARAH
Freddie!

She leaps to her feet woozily. Still rubbing her head she staggers
out into the hallway.


INT. RAILWAY – NIGHT

Sarah looks down the hallway and suddenly her face breaks out into a
delighted grin.
ANOTHER ANGLE

SARAH'S POV

Little Freddie is crawling slowly, but determinedly, into Sarah's
room. When he gets to her bed he uses all his strength to pull
himself up on to his feet by holding on to the bedspread. Be then
holds his hand out, trying to reach something.


ANOTHER ANGLE

Sarah makes her way toward her room, delight and wonder on her face.


INT. SARAH'S ROOM – NIGHT

Sarah stands in the doorway looking down at Freddie.

SARAH
(softly)
That's quite a journey you took, Freddie.

Freddie looks up at her and makes a sound. He continues straining,
and WE SEE that what he is reaching for is Lancelot, Sarah's bear.
Sarah smiles, and lifts Freddie up. She sits on the bed, Freddie on
her lap, and hands him the bear.

SARAH
Here. It's yours.

Freddie takes it happily.

SARAH
(smiling)
You earned it.

She kisses his head and rocks him gently. Then she gazes out the
window at the stars.


EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

The light shines from Sarah's window. The white bird flutters down
from the starry sky. It perches in the tree beside the path.



THE END
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Sarah finds Freddie safe and sound and gives him a cherished toy.
Strengths "Touches on the theme of the importance of love and family. Poignant use of imagery."
Weaknesses "Minimal dialogue. Low conflict and stakes."
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with good pacing and visual description. However, one critique would be the lack of conflict and tension. The scene is sweet and heartwarming, but without a sense of danger or obstacle to overcome, it lacks a certain depth and intrigue. Additionally, it is unclear what the significance of the white bird is, as it is never introduced or explained in the scene. Overall, the scene could benefit from adding more conflict or stakes for the characters, and giving more context and clarity to any symbolic elements introduced.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene starts out with Sarah waking up and realizing that Freddie is missing. To increase the tension, consider adding a moment of panic or fear for Sarah. Maybe she frantically searches the room or calls out for Freddie before finally spotting him in the hallway.

2. Add some backstory: It's not clear why Freddie was crawling around the house in the middle of the night. Adding a bit of backstory or explanation for why he was up and about could help make the scene more compelling.

3. Show more emotion: When Sarah finally finds Freddie, she seems delighted and relieved, but there isn't a ton of emotion in the scene. Consider adding more dialogue or actions that show how much Sarah cares for Freddie and how relieved she is to have found him.

4. Tighten up the ending: The final shot of the white bird perching in the tree feels a bit random and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider ending on a shot of Sarah and Freddie together, or finding a way to connect the bird to the rest of the story.