Read Mulholland Drive with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Tragic Crash on Mulholland Drive
EXT. NIGHT - HOLLYWOOD HILLS, LOS ANGELES

Darkness. Distant sounds of freeway traffic. Then the closer
sound of a car - its headlights illumine an oleander bush and
the limbs of an Eucalyptus tree. Then the headlights turn - a
street sign is suddenly brightly lit. The words on the sign
read... "Mulholland Drive." The car moves under the sign as
it turns and the words fall once again into darkness.

CUT TO:

EXT. NIGHT - MULHOLLAND DRIVE

Gliding we follow the car - an older black Cadillac limousine
- as it winds its way up Mulholland Drive through the
darkness of the Hollywood Hills. There is no one else on the
road. As we drift closer to the car...

CUT TO:

INT. BLACK CADILLAC LIMOUSINE - NIGHT

Two men in dark suits are sitting in the front seat. A
beautiful, younger, dark-haired woman sits in back. She sits
close up against the door and stares out into the darkness.
She seems to be thinking about something. Suddenly she turns
and looks ahead. The car is slowing and moving off to the
side of the road.
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
What are you doing? You don't stop
here ...

The car stops - half on, half off the road at a dark, blind
curve. Both men turn to the woman.

DRIVER
Get out of the car.

CUT TO:

EXT. FURTHER UP MULHOLLAND DRIVE - NIGHT

Two cars - a convertible and a late model sedan are drag
racing toward the blind curve blocking the view of the
Cadillac limousine. The cars are filled with crazed
teenagers. Two girls are standing up through the sunroof of
the sedan screaming as their hair is whipped straight back.



The cars are travelling so fast that they seem to almost
float as they fly with psychotic speed down both lanes of
Mulholland Drive.

CUT TO:

INT. EXT. - CADILLAC LIMOUSINE

The driver, still in his seat, has a pistol with a silencer
attached pointing at the woman. The other man is getting out
of the car. The woman is clutching the seat and the door
handle as if trying to anchor herself. She is visibly afraid.
The man who got out of the car tries the woman's door, but it
is locked. He smiles as he reaches in through the front door
and unlocks her door. He opens her door. As he reaches for
her, the woman's face becomes flooded with light. Her eyes
dart to the front windshield. The driver, flooded with light,
turns just as the late model sedan slams into the Cadillac
limousine. There is an explosion of metal and glass amidst
thunderous tearing sounds as the two cars become one in
death. The convertible screams past with hardly a notice.
The driver of the limousine dies instantly as his body is
jettisoned through the windshield. The other man is torn as
the cars screech over him. The woman is brutally thrown into
the back of the front seats as a cloud of dust and flying
rocks engulfs her. The disastrous moving sculpture of the two
cars wants to climb up the hill, then stops and slides back
toward the road The Cadillac tips onto its side. Then all is
silent. A fire erupts in the sedan and as the dust clears we
see the woman appear, then crawl out of the Cadillac to the
road. Her face is vacant. There is a bleeding cut just above
her forehead. She stands for a moment clutching her purse -
lost , then begins to walk as if in a trance across
Mulholland down through the bushes and into darkness.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary A young woman is forced out of a black Cadillac limousine on Mulholland Drive by two men in dark suits. As she steps out, a convertible and a sedan engage in a deadly drag race, resulting in a collision with the limousine. The driver and the other man are killed instantly, while the woman is thrown into the front seats. In a daze, she manages to crawl out of the wreckage and walks away, injured and disoriented.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Engaging plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and effectively sets up the story's tone, conflict, and stakes. The intense and suspenseful atmosphere keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a car accident on Mulholland Drive creates immediate intrigue and sets the stage for the mysterious events to follow.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and fast-paced, with the car accident serving as a major turning point in the story. It hooks the audience and leaves them eager to know what happens next.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar (a car crash), the specific details and the way they are presented (such as the dark, blind curve and the woman's vacant expression) add a fresh and unique perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are introduced with a sense of mystery and intrigue. The dark-haired woman's fear and confusion make her relatable and sympathetic to the audience.

Character Changes: 7

The woman undergoes a significant change from being afraid and confused to being determined and resilient. The car accident serves as a catalyst for her transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that she is thinking about something and is visibly afraid when confronted by the two men. Her internal goal reflects her deeper need for safety and survival.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the dangerous situation she is in and survive the car crash. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the car accident and the woman's life being in immediate danger. The scene creates a sense of urgency and raises the stakes for the protagonist.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is faced with two men who pose a threat to her safety. The car crash adds an additional obstacle and raises the stakes.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high, with the woman's life hanging in the balance. The car accident raises the stakes and creates a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing the main conflict and setting up the mystery surrounding the woman and her journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a sudden car crash that the audience may not have anticipated. The unexpected turn of events adds to the tension and keeps the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and confusion in the audience, as they empathize with the woman's perilous situation. The shocking car accident adds to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. The woman's line, 'What are you doing? You don't stop here...' adds to the suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the audience's attention with its atmospheric description and suspenseful situation. The car crash adds a dramatic and unexpected twist, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The slower moments of description and character introspection are balanced with the sudden and intense car crash, creating a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, then moves to specific locations and characters, building tension and leading to the climax of the car crash.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of a black Cadillac limousine driving up Mulholland Drive, creating a sense of mystery and intrigue.
  • The dialogue between the characters in the car feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The sudden stop at the blind curve and the subsequent drag race of the two cars adds tension and excitement to the scene.
  • The description of the car crash is vivid and intense, effectively conveying the chaos and violence of the moment.
  • The woman's reaction to the crash and her subsequent trance-like state are intriguing and leave the audience wanting to know more about her.
  • The scene effectively sets up the mystery and suspense that will drive the rest of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting the dialogue in the car to make it more natural and believable.
  • Explore ways to further develop the character of the woman in the backseat and her connection to the events that unfold.
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the impact of the car crash.
  • Think about how to create a stronger emotional connection between the audience and the woman, so that her journey becomes more compelling.
  • Consider adding a bit more context or foreshadowing to hint at the larger story that will unfold.



Scene 2 -  Midnight Run
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - LATER - NIGHT

The woman slides down a hill through tangles of hostile
desert plants. Sirens can be heard in the distance. She
crosses through some trees and is suddenly confronted by a
coyote which snarls and leaps at her. She screams and strikes
out with her purse in self defense. The coyote backs away -
snarling. The woman then loses control and runs at the coyote
and it races off. She falls to the ground. We can hear the
thunder of her heartbeat as the sirens grow louder. She gets
up and stumbles through the trees. When she clears them she
is standing overlooking all of Los Angeles glowing down
below. She clumsily starts down toward it.

DISSOLVE TO:

HOLLYWOOD STREETS - LATER - NIGHT

The woman slides down a dusty hill and finds herself at
Franklin Avenue. A car races by and its headlights flare on
her face. Her expression shows fear and panic. She doesn't
know where she is or where to go. She runs frantically across
the street. She moves quickly to a sidewalk which takes her
into a residential area.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREETS - LATER - NIGHT

The woman crosses Sunset Boulevard. Coming up Sunset in the
distance is a police car with its sirens and lights going.
She hurries into the darkness of another residential area. A
car turns onto the street and comes toward her. She
instinctively moves behind a tree until it passes.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREETS - LATER - NIGHT

As if being hunted in a foreign land the woman moves
desperately down another residential street. A drunken couple
round the corner up ahead and start up the sidewalk toward
her. She runs off the sidewalk and into the bushes in front
of an apartment building. The couple passes by without
noticing her. Feeling safe in these bushes her exhaustion
overtakes her and she lays her head down to sleep.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MULHOLLAND DRIVE - NIGHT

Police, paramedics surround the wreckage. Two detectives,
HARRY MCKNIGHT and NEAL DOMGAARD (both mid 40's to 50), stare
at the remains of the two cars glowing white hot under the
crime scene lights. A coroner's van pulls out just after an
ambulance. The ambulance's siren begins to wail as it speeds
off. The coroner's van cruises slowly. Detective Harry
McKnight and Detective Neal Domgaard continue staring. They
do not look at each other. They are each motionless for a
long moment.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
You feel it?

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Yeah.

They continue to stare.


DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Sammy thinks the Caddy had stopped along
the shoulder ... man up the road said he
saw two cars drag racin'...then you got
that blind corner.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Two men... two guns in the Caddy.

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
The boys found this on the floor in back
of the Caddy.

Neal holds up a plastic bag holding a pearl earring.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Yeah, they showed me

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Could be unrelated.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Could be...any of those dead kids wearin'
pearl earrings?

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
No. Could be someone's missin' maybe.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
That's what I'm thinkin'.

Detective Harry McKnight turns and crosses Mulholland. His
eyes move over each blade of grass at the shoulder - each
desert bush just beyond. He slowly raises his gaze to the
shining lights of Hollywood laying far below like a galaxy.
He looks out and wonders.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary A woman flees through the Hollywood Hills from unknown pursuers before finding refuge in bushes outside of an apartment building. Meanwhile, Detectives McKnight and Domgaard investigate a fatal car accident on Mulholland Drive.
Strengths
  • Intense suspense
  • Engaging plot
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense chase and the mysterious elements create a strong emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman being chased after a car accident sets up a thrilling and mysterious plot. The introduction of the pearl earring adds an intriguing element to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and gripping, with the woman desperately trying to escape and find safety. The car accident and subsequent chase create a strong sense of urgency.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist being hunted is a familiar one, the specific details and actions of the scene, such as the encounter with a coyote and the protagonist's use of a purse for self-defense, add a fresh and unique element. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with the woman being portrayed as vulnerable and determined. The detectives add an additional layer of mystery and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

The woman undergoes a change from a state of worry and hesitation to a state of determination and survival instinct. Her character arc is driven by the intense situation she finds herself in.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find safety and escape from her pursuers. This reflects her deeper need for survival and her fear of being caught or harmed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the police and reach a safe location. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being hunted and the challenge of navigating through unfamiliar territory.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, with the woman being pursued and facing various obstacles in her escape. The car accident and the presence of the detectives add to the overall conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is constantly faced with obstacles and challenges that hinder her progress. The presence of the police, the coyote, and the drunken couple create a sense of danger and opposition.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in this scene, with the woman's life in danger and the presence of the detectives hinting at a larger mystery. The intense chase and the unknown motives of the characters increase the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the car accident and the chase, setting up the central conflict and raising questions about the woman's identity and the significance of the pearl earring.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the encounter with a coyote and the protagonist's use of a purse for self-defense. The reader is unsure of how the situation will unfold and what obstacles the protagonist will face.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, panic, and confusion. The audience is invested in the woman's plight and feels the intensity of the chase.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. The detectives' conversation hints at the larger investigation surrounding the car accident.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents the protagonist in a dangerous situation and creates a sense of urgency and suspense. The reader is compelled to continue reading to find out what happens to the protagonist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The concise and descriptive writing style, as well as the sequence of escalating obstacles, keeps the reader engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and builds tension through a series of escalating obstacles and challenges.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective for the woman. It is not clear why she is running or what she is running from. This lack of clarity makes it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. There are moments of frantic action, such as when the woman is running across the street, but then there are also moments of stillness, such as when she lays her head down to sleep. This inconsistency in pacing disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between the detectives feels forced and unnatural. The conversation about the pearl earring feels contrived and does not add much to the overall story.
  • The scene lacks visual clarity. The description of the woman running through the Hollywood Hills is vague and does not provide a clear sense of the surroundings or the woman's emotional state.
  • The transition between the different locations is abrupt and disorienting. It is not clear how the woman goes from the Hollywood Hills to the residential areas, and the sudden appearance of the police car and the drunken couple feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objective of the woman in the scene. Is she running from someone or something? This will help create a sense of urgency and tension.
  • Consider reworking the pacing of the scene to create a more consistent and engaging rhythm. This could involve tightening up the action sequences and adding more moments of suspense and anticipation.
  • Revise the dialogue between the detectives to make it more natural and relevant to the story. Focus on developing their characters and their relationship to each other.
  • Provide more detailed and vivid descriptions of the surroundings to help the audience visualize the scene. This will also help create a stronger sense of atmosphere and mood.
  • Smooth out the transitions between the different locations to create a more seamless and cohesive narrative. This could involve adding transitional scenes or finding more organic ways to move the action from one place to another.



Scene 3 -  Apartment Infiltration and Unsettling Dreams
EXT. HOLLYWOOD STREETS - EARLY DAWN

The clang of a metal gate wakes the woman. It is just getting
light and she sees an older red-headed woman carrying a
suitcase to the curb where a cab stands waiting with its
trunk open. The cab driver appears with two suitcases which
he sets down next to the car. The red-headed woman and the
cab driver both go back through the iron gate. The woman in
the bushes pulls herself to the gate where she can peer into
the courtyard of this apartment building. She sees the red-
headed woman and the cab driver go into an apartment and come
back out with more luggage.


They leave the apartment door open. When the red-headed woman
and the cab driver reach the cab they both begin loading the
bags into the trunk and backseat. Their backs are to the
woman in the bushes who takes this opportunity to go quickly
into the courtyard and through the open apartment door.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT - EARLY DAWN

The woman comes into a living room where a single trunk
remains. She goes further into the apartment and crouches
down in a back corner of the kitchen. She listens as
footsteps come across the courtyard. She hears the red-headed
woman and the cab driver get the trunk. She hears them set it
down once they have it in the courtyard. She hears the steps
of the red-headed woman come back inside the apartment. She
hears the footsteps go all around the apartment and then she
hears the footsteps come toward the kitchen. Remaining
frozen, the dark-haired woman's eyes look up as the red-
headed woman walks right past her, grabs a set of keys off
the kitchen counter, then leaves the apartment. The woman can
hear the door being locked. She lets go, slides to the
kitchen floor, and passes out.
CUT TO:

INT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT , HOLLYWOOD - MORNING

Two well-dressed men HERB and DAN (mid 30's) are sitting at a
table drinking coffee. Herb has finished eating his
breakfast, but Dan hasn't touched his bacon and eggs - he
appears too nervous to eat. A blonde waitress with a
nameplate saying "DIANE" lays the check on their table
smiles, then walks off.

HERB
Why did you want to go to breakfast if
you're not hungry?

DAN
I just wanted to come here.

HERB
To Denny's? I wasn't going to say
anything, but why Denny's?

DAN
This Denny's.

HERB
Okay. Why this Denny's?


DAN
It's kind of embarrassing but,

HERB
Go ahead.

DAN
I had a dream about this place.

HERB
Oh boy.

DAN
You see what I mean...

HERB
Okay, so you had a dream about this
place. Tell me.

DAN
Well ... it's the second one I've had, but
they were both the same......they start
out that I'm in here but it's not day or
night. It's kinda half night, but it
looks just like this except for the
light, but I'm scared like I can't tell
ya. Of all people you're standing right
over there by that counter. You're in
both dreams and you're scared. I get
even more frightened when I see how
afraid you are and then I realize what it
is - there's a man...in back of this
place. He's the one ... he's the one
that's doing it. I can see him through
the wall. I can see his face and I hope
I never see that face ever outside a
dream.

Herb stares at Dan to see if he will continue. Dan looks
around nervously, then stares at his uneaten food.

DAN (cont'd)
That's it.

HERB
So, you came to see if he's out there?

DAN
To get rid of this god-awful feeling.

HERB
Right then.


Herb gets up, picks up the bill and goes to the cashier to
pay. Dan just sits.

As Herb is paying the bill he looks over at Dan just as Dan
is turning to look at him. From Dan's point of view Herb is
standing in exactly the same spot as he stood in the dream.
Herb gets a strange feeling, turns back and finishes up with
the cashier. He motions for Dan to follow him. Dan rises
reluctantly and he and Herb make their way outside.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary A woman stealthily enters an apartment while the owners load luggage into a cab. Inside a Denny's, a man experiences a strange feeling after seeing his friend standing in the exact spot from a dream about the restaurant.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Engaging plot twists
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The combination of action, mystery, and tension creates a captivating experience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman escaping a dangerous situation and stumbling upon a mysterious apartment building adds intrigue and sets up the mystery of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience hooked with its unexpected twists and turns. The car accident and the woman's escape add excitement and propel the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a woman observing suspicious activity and following the perpetrators is a familiar trope, the specific details and the writer's unique voice add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are intriguing and their actions and reactions add depth to the scene. The woman's fear and determination, as well as the mysterious red-headed woman, create a sense of mystery and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

The woman undergoes a change from being worried and hesitant to determined and focused on survival. Her character arc is evident in her actions and reactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and confront their fear. The woman in the bushes is driven by her curiosity and desire to uncover the truth behind the red-headed woman and the cab driver's actions. This reflects her deeper need for answers and her fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow the red-headed woman and the cab driver to discover their intentions and motives. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges the protagonist is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, with the woman being pursued and facing life-threatening situations. The car accident and the chase add to the intensity of the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces obstacles in her pursuit of the truth. The presence of the red-headed woman and the cab driver creates a sense of conflict and raises questions about their intentions.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in this scene, with the woman's life in danger and the mystery surrounding the apartment building. The audience is invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, such as the mysterious apartment building, and raising questions that intrigue the audience.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a situation where the audience is unsure of the outcome. The actions and dialogue of the characters create a sense of uncertainty and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the audience, creating an emotional impact. The woman's desperate escape and the mysterious events add to the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal in this scene, but it effectively conveys the characters' emotions and adds to the suspenseful atmosphere.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the characters' motivations. The suspenseful atmosphere and the protagonist's determination to uncover the truth keep the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of quiet reflection and moments of heightened action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, transitions to an interior location, and then moves to a different location. The scene is well-paced and effectively conveys the necessary information.


Critique
  • The scene starts with the woman observing an older red-headed woman and a cab driver loading luggage into a cab from an apartment building. This initial setup is intriguing and creates a sense of mystery.
  • However, the scene lacks clear direction and purpose. It is not clear why the woman is hiding in the bushes or what her intentions are. The scene also lacks a clear conflict or tension to drive the narrative forward.
  • The dialogue between Herb and Dan in the Denny's restaurant feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. It is unclear how this conversation relates to the woman hiding in the bushes or the overall story.
  • The transition from the woman hiding in the bushes to the Denny's restaurant is abrupt and jarring. It is not clear how these two scenes are connected or why they are presented together.
  • The scene ends with Dan seeing Herb standing in the spot from his dream, which triggers an eerie feeling. While this adds a sense of mystery and foreshadowing, it is not clear how this connects to the rest of the scene or the larger story.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose and intentions of the woman hiding in the bushes. Is she hiding from someone? Is she trying to gather information? This will help give the scene a clear direction and conflict.
  • Connect the dialogue between Herb and Dan in the Denny's restaurant to the rest of the scene. How does their conversation relate to the woman hiding in the bushes or the overall story? This will help create a stronger narrative thread.
  • Smooth out the transition between the woman hiding in the bushes and the Denny's restaurant scene. Consider adding a bridge or connection between these two scenes to make the transition more seamless.
  • Provide more context and explanation for Dan's eerie feeling when he sees Herb standing in the spot from his dream. How does this connect to the larger story or themes? This will help create a stronger sense of foreshadowing and intrigue.



Scene 4 -  Sudden Death
EXT. DENNY'S

Now Herb waits for Dan to lead the way.

DAN
Around here.

Dan takes Herb across the front of Denny's to a narrow
sidewalk that leads down the side toward the back.
They begin walking down the narrow sidewalk - past a
payphone. Dan begins to sweat the nearer he gets to the rear
corner of the building. Red bricks glide by slowly.

CLOSER ON DAN

Beads of sweat cover his face. He finds it difficult to
breathe. Herb is just behind him unable to see the fear
overtaking his friend, but Herb can feel something himself.

The red bricks moving by now are coming to an end - the
corner is coming closer - the corner is now very close.

Suddenly a man - a face ... a face dark and bum-like- moves
quickly out from behind the corner and stops - freezes -
staring into Dan's eyes.

Dan lurches back. All his breath is suddenly gone. He falls
back into Herb who tries to catch him as he's falling. Dan
hits the ground unable to breathe - his eyes wide with
horror.

Herb looks up - the man is gone. He looks down to Dan.

HERB
Dan! ... Dan! You all right? ... Dan!

He kneels down and studies his friend. He feels for a pulse
in the neck. He listens for breathing. His friend is dead.



HERB (cont'd)
My God!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LAX AIRPORT - DAY

The airport sits in blinding sunlight and veiled with smog.
A big jet lands.

CUT TO:

INT. LAX AIRPORT

A blonde girl walking with an old woman approaches us. As the
blonde's face fills the screen we move with her and stay with
her as she goes. Her face is bright and her eyes move here
and there taking in everything. She can hardly believe she's
in Los Angeles - the City of Dreams. She and the old woman
pass under a sign which reads "WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES."
The girl smiles and looks around excited by every detail.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAX AIRPORT

The girl and the old lady exit the terminal with their bags.
An older gentleman has joined the old lady. They stop at the
taxicab stand. The old lady takes the blonde girl's hand.

OLD LADY
It's time to say goodbye, Betty. It's
been so nice travelling with you.

BETTY
Thank you, Irene. I was so excited and
nervous. It was sure great to have you
to talk to.

IRENE
Now, remember I'll be watching for you on
the big screen.

BETTY
(smiling)
Okay Irene. Won't that be the day.

IRENE
The best of luck to you, Betty. Take
care of yourself and be careful.


BETTY
Okay I will. Thanks again.

Betty and Irene give each other a hug. The old gentleman nods
to Betty and takes Irene off. Betty smiles after them.
Suddenly someone is grabbing her bags. She turns abruptly to
find she is next in line and her cab is waiting. She turns
once more and waves at Irene as her bags are loaded into the
trunk of the cab.

CAB DRIVER
Where to?

BETTY
(smiling excitedly)
1612 Havenhurst.

CAB DRIVER
Got it!
They get into the cab and close their doors. The cab pulls
away.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Outside a Denny's, Dan suddenly collapses and dies from a heart attack after seeing a man with a dark and intimidating face appear from around a corner. Herb, who was walking with Dan, is horrified when he discovers Dan's death.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating tension
  • Intense action
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates tension and keeps the audience engaged through its suspenseful and intense moments. The unexpected death of a character adds to the shock value and raises the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman being pursued and trying to escape creates a strong foundation for the scene. The use of different locations and the introduction of multiple characters adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The woman's desperate attempts to escape and the mysterious circumstances surrounding her situation create intrigue and suspense.

Originality: 3

The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and actions described are fairly common and not particularly fresh or unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is also not evident from the provided excerpt.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are intriguing and their actions drive the plot forward. The woman's determination to survive and the unknown motives of her pursuers make the audience invested in their fates.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the woman's determination and survival instincts are showcased.

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated or evident from their actions and dialogue.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to catch their breath and recover from a sudden fright. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, specifically the encounter with the man who appeared suddenly from behind the corner.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, as the woman is pursued by unknown individuals. The car crash and the subsequent chase add to the intensity and raise the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the sudden appearance of the man creates a significant obstacle for the protagonist. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will react or what the outcome will be.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in this scene, as the woman's life is in danger and she must escape her pursuers. The unexpected death of a character raises the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the woman's pursuit and establishing the dangerous and mysterious world she finds herself in.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the man from behind the corner. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will react or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, excitement, and nervousness in the audience. The woman's desperate situation and the sudden death of a character create emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal in this scene, but it effectively conveys the urgency and fear of the characters. The limited dialogue adds to the tension and allows the actions to speak for themselves.

Engagement: 6

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sudden and unexpected event that creates tension and suspense. The reader is left wondering what will happen next.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The description of the protagonist's fear and the sudden appearance of the man are paced in a way that creates a sense of unease.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue.

Structure: 7

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Herb waiting for Dan to lead the way, but there is no clear reason given for why they are going to the back of the building. This lack of motivation makes the scene feel random and disconnected from the rest of the story.
  • The description of Dan's fear and physical distress is well-written and creates tension, but it is not clear why he is feeling this way. Without a clear explanation, the audience may be confused and unable to fully engage with the scene.
  • The sudden appearance of the dark and intimidating man from behind the corner is a cliché and lacks originality. It feels like a contrived way to create a shocking moment, rather than a natural progression of the story.
  • The death of Dan from a heart attack feels abrupt and unearned. There is no build-up or foreshadowing of his health issues, so his sudden collapse feels out of place and melodramatic.
  • The scene ends with Herb discovering Dan's death, but there is no resolution or follow-up to this event. It is unclear how this event will impact the story or the characters moving forward.
Suggestions
  • Provide a clear motivation for why Herb and Dan are going to the back of the building. This will help to establish a stronger connection to the overall story.
  • Give a clear explanation for why Dan is feeling fear and physical distress. This will help the audience to understand and empathize with his character.
  • Find a more original and organic way to create tension and shock in the scene, rather than relying on clichéd tropes.
  • Foreshadow Dan's health issues earlier in the script, so his sudden death feels more earned and impactful.
  • Consider how the death of Dan will impact the story and the other characters. Use this event to drive the plot forward and create new conflicts and challenges.



Scene 5 -  Arriving at the Courtyard Apartment
EXT. STREETS - LOS ANGELES - DAY

Betty goes from the right side of the cab to the left side of
the cab looking at every building, tree and sign. Each street
sign seems to be magical to her and she says the names to
herself as they pass by. She sees La Tijera, La Cienega,
Venice Boulevard, Pico Boulevard, Olympic Boulevard, Wilshire
Boulevard, etc., etc. until they reach Fountain and turn
right. Betty's heart is pounding when she sees Havenhurst
and the cab turns left. In the middle of the block on the
right the cab pulls over and stops. Betty sees her new
home ... an ancient, gorgeous courtyard apartment building,
built during the golden age of cinema.

CUT TO:

EXT. 1612 HAVENHURST

The cab driver puts Betty's bags down on the sidewalk next to
her. She can barely stop looking at the building long enough
to pay the cab driver who then goes off and drives away.
Betty picks up her bags and enters, as if in a dream, through
an ornate iron gate to a courtyard with a beautiful working
fountain at its center. A sign on a door to her right reads
Manager and she rings the bell.


An older, once very beautiful, woman wearing heavy make-up
and smoking a cigarette in a silver holder opens the door.
An unbelievable raspy voice comes out through the dark screen
of the still closed screen door.

MANAGER
Hi there...ten bucks says you're Betty.

BETTY
I am, Mrs. Lanois. It is Mrs. Lanois
isn't it?

MRS. LANOIS
In all my living glory, baby.

BETTY
Pleased to meet you.

MRS. LANOIS
You can call me Coco ... everybody does.
Stay there, I'll get the key.

BETTY
Okay, Coco.

Coco returns with the key and opens the screen door inhaling
a huge drag off her cigarette. She starts off into the
courtyard and Betty picks up her bags and follows. As Coco
speaks smoke comes out of her with every word.

COCO
I guess it was your grandfather, was
it ... he called me to check in, said you
were on your way and for you to call when
you get in. Nice man... farmer I hear.

BETTY
Yes, he is. He raises corn.

COCO
Damn lot of corn raised in Hollywood
these days too.

BETTY
Well, I ...

COCO
You don't have to tell me. It's written
all over that pretty face of yours.. You
came here to be an actress. I just hope
you'll remember there's never been a
great poem called "tits and ass."


BETTY
I...

COCO
You probably don't remember her, but
Louise Bonner lives right over there in
number 29. When she isn't drunk she runs
a damn good acting class.

BETTY
Have many famous actors and actresses
lived here? I was meaning to ask you
that.

COCO
Honey, all the great ones came through
here at one time or another.
A haunting music begins to swell.

COCO (cont'd)

People say in the springtime when the
wind blows the smell of the jasmine you
can still feel the presence of everyone
of them.

BETTY
I guess I've come to quite a place.

COCO
Sweetheart, you don't know the half of
it.

The music fades.

Coco looks down suddenly. On the cobblestone courtyard in
front of her she sees a fresh product of waste from a dog.
She angrily turns up to an apartment on the second level.

COCO (cont'd)
(yelling up)
WILKINS! ... (no answer) ... THAT DOG CRAPS
ONCE MORE OUT HERE AND I'LL BAKE HIS
BUTT FOR BREAKFAST!!

Coco turns back to Betty.

COCO (cont'd)
You don't have pets do you?


BETTY
No, I don't.

COCO
That's good. They're allowed, but I
don't like 'em...for obvious reasons.
One man used to live here that had a
prize fighting kangaroo. You wouldn't
believe what that kangaroo did to this
courtyard ... let's see your Aunt's
apartment ... it's a good one.

BETTY
I can hardly wait, Coco.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Betty arrives at her new home and meets Mrs. Lanois, the manager. They discuss Betty's grandfather and aspirations to become an actress. Mrs. Lanois mentions Louise Bonner, an acting class instructor in the building, and actors who have lived there. The scene ends with Mrs. Lanois addressing a dog owner about pet waste.
Strengths
  • Captivating atmosphere
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Mysterious tone
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the atmosphere and introduces the main character in a captivating way. The dialogue between Betty and Coco provides intriguing information about the building's history and the aspirations of the protagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a young woman arriving in Hollywood to pursue her dreams is a familiar one, but the scene adds a layer of mystery and nostalgia with the mention of past Hollywood legends and the presence of the courtyard apartment building.

Plot: 6

The plot in this scene is relatively simple, focusing on Betty's arrival at her new home. However, the mention of Louise Bonner and the presence of the courtyard building hint at potential future plot developments.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of an old Hollywood apartment building is not entirely unique, the specific details and characters add freshness to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Betty and Coco are introduced effectively, with Coco providing a sense of mystery and Betty displaying curiosity and hope. Their interaction sets up potential conflicts and relationships.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily focuses on introducing Betty and Coco. However, Betty's journey to pursue her dreams may lead to significant character development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Betty's internal goal in this scene is to make a good impression and fit in with her new surroundings. This reflects her desire to succeed as an actress and find her place in the world.

External Goal: 7

Betty's external goal in this scene is to settle into her new apartment and meet the manager, Mrs. Lanois. This reflects the immediate circumstances of her move and her need to establish a home in Los Angeles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

There is minimal conflict in this scene, with the only tension arising from Coco's dislike of pets and her encounter with dog waste in the courtyard.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. Betty faces minor obstacles such as finding her new home and interacting with Mrs. Lanois, but there are no major conflicts or challenges that create high stakes or suspense.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it primarily focuses on Betty's arrival at her new home. However, the mention of pursuing dreams in Hollywood implies higher stakes in the future.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Betty's new home and introducing potential plot elements, such as Louise Bonner and the presence of past Hollywood legends.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience doesn't know what Betty's new home will look like or how her interaction with Mrs. Lanois will unfold. However, there are no major surprises or twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes curiosity and hope in the audience, as they are introduced to Betty and her new surroundings. The mention of past Hollywood legends adds a nostalgic element.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Betty and Coco is engaging and reveals important information about the building and the aspirations of the protagonist. Coco's unique speaking style and phrases add depth to her character.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces the audience to a new location and characters, creating a sense of curiosity and anticipation. The dialogue between Betty and Mrs. Lanois is lively and reveals information about the building and its history.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building anticipation and maintaining the audience's interest. The actions and dialogue flow smoothly and there are no unnecessary delays or digressions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to read.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into specific actions and dialogue between the characters. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of establishing the excitement and anticipation that Betty feels as she arrives at her new home. The descriptions of the streets and the building create a sense of wonder and magic.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Mrs. Lanois is engaging and reveals some interesting details about Betty's background and aspirations.
  • The introduction of Coco as the manager of the building adds a quirky and memorable character to the scene.
  • The mention of Louise Bonner and the history of famous actors and actresses living in the building adds depth and intrigue to the story.
  • The scene ends with a humorous and unexpected moment as Mrs. Lanois angrily addresses a dog owner about their pet's waste in the courtyard.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. For example, describe the sounds and smells of the streets and the building.
  • Explore the possibility of adding more conflict or tension to the scene. This could be done through the interaction between Betty and Mrs. Lanois, or by introducing a small obstacle or challenge for Betty to overcome.
  • Consider adding more foreshadowing or hints about the mysterious events that will unfold later in the script. This could create a sense of anticipation and intrigue for the reader.
  • Consider tightening the dialogue between Betty and Mrs. Lanois to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Consider adding a stronger ending to the scene that leaves the reader wanting to know more or creates a sense of anticipation for what will happen next.



Scene 6 -  Unexpected Encounter in the New Apartment
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM

The dirty and torn black cocktail dress of the dark-haired
woman along with her shoes, purse and undergarments are in a
pile in the bedroom. We drift off them toward the bathroom
where the dark-haired woman can be seen showering through
rippled glass. There's the sound of a door opening. We see a
movement through the glass and the shower goes off instantly.
We can hear the dark-haired woman's frightened breathing as
she waits frozen listening.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM

Betty enters, thrilled with what she sees. The apartment is
filled with movie memorabilia, deco furniture, oriental rugs,
brass floor lamps and a massive tiled fireplace. She sets her
bags down and stares.

BETTY
It's unbelievable!

COCO
I told ya.

BETTY
Wow!

COCO
Now I guess you and your Aunt have an
understanding. So here's the key and you
need anything, just give a holler.
(Coco hands Betty the key)
Everybody in this building's pretty much
okay with me or they wouldn't be here.
If you want, later I'll introduce you
around. No hard feelings if you don't,
and don't forget the rooftop garden.
It's just up the stairs we passed. It's
open to all the tenants. You can see the
Hollywood sign from there.

BETTY
Oh Coco thank you. Thank you so much.

COCO
You got it! See you later honey.

Coco leaves and closes the door behind her. Betty begins to
explore the apartment.- After walking a circle in the living
room she passes through the kitchen. She moves down a
hallway looking at paintings and posters. She goes into the
bedroom. She smiles when she sees the bed which has a huge
ornately carved head and foot board. She notices the soiled
dress on the floor and she frowns as she looks closer. She
stands back up, shrugs and goes into the bathroom which has
all the original thirties fixtures damndest floor to ceiling
tiles. As she goes toward the sink she smiles to herself in
the mirror above it. Suddenly something catches her eye and
she opens the shower stall. There before her is the naked,
beautiful dark-haired woman.

BETTY
Oh my!

She quickly closes the shower door.

BETTY (cont'd)
I'm sorry. My Aunt ... Ruth didn't tell
me someone was going to be here. I'm so
sorry.

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
That's okay.

BETTY
I'm Ruth's niece. My name's Betty. I'm
sure she told you I was coming.

There's a silence.

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
There was an accident. I came here.

BETTY
I understand. I saw the dress. I...I'm
sorry. Are you all right?


There is another silence.

BETTY (cont'd)
What happened?

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
A car ... a car accident.

BETTY
Are you okay?

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
I think so. I was just taking a shower.
BETTY
Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'll let you get
back to that. I'm going to get unpacked.

Betty goes to the bathroom door and is closing it when she
stops and looks back in.

BETTY (cont'd)
What's your name?

We see a close-up of the dark-haired woman. We see her eyes
widen with a kind of fear. She's frantically thinking -
searching her mind for an answer.

BETTY (cont'd)
I'm sorry. I'll get out of here and we
can talk later.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Betty arrives at her new apartment and discovers a soiled dress and a naked dark-haired woman in the shower. The woman reveals she sought refuge after a car accident, and Betty leaves her to continue showering.
Strengths
  • Effective suspense and tension
  • Compelling character interactions
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates a sense of suspense and mystery through its atmospheric setting, unexpected encounter, and the dark-haired woman's cryptic responses. The tension is heightened by the contrast between Betty's excitement about her new apartment and the dark-haired woman's fear and vulnerability.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, which involves a chance encounter between two characters in a new apartment, is intriguing and sets the stage for further exploration of the dark-haired woman's backstory and the mysteries surrounding her.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and propels the story forward by introducing the dark-haired woman as a key character and establishing a sense of intrigue and danger. The unexpected encounter between Betty and the dark-haired woman adds a layer of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and character interactions are familiar, the specific details of the apartment and the unexpected encounter in the shower add a fresh twist to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their interactions are compelling. Betty's curiosity and empathy towards the dark-haired woman create a strong emotional connection with the audience, while the dark-haired woman's fear and vulnerability make her a mysterious and intriguing figure.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this particular scene, the encounter between Betty and the dark-haired woman sets the stage for potential character development and transformation in both characters as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to explore and familiarize herself with the apartment she has just arrived at. This reflects her desire to make a new start and find a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to unpack her belongings and settle into the apartment. This reflects the immediate circumstances of her arrival and her need to establish a new home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains a high level of conflict, both internal and external. The dark-haired woman is in a vulnerable position, fearing for her safety, while Betty is torn between her curiosity and her desire to respect the dark-haired woman's privacy.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate, as the protagonist encounters an unexpected situation but there is no immediate conflict or obstacle to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the dark-haired woman is in a vulnerable position and Betty's actions could have significant consequences for both characters. The sense of danger and mystery adds to the intensity of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the dark-haired woman as a key character and establishing a sense of mystery and danger. It also deepens the audience's understanding of Betty's character and her role in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the encounter in the shower is unexpected and adds a twist to the protagonist's exploration of the apartment.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly fear, curiosity, and empathy. The dark-haired woman's vulnerability and Betty's genuine concern create a powerful emotional connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters. Betty's genuine concern and the dark-haired woman's guarded responses create tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new setting and presents a surprising encounter, creating curiosity and anticipation for what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and curiosity, particularly with the pause and silence between the protagonist and the dark-haired woman.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and capitalization.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Betty entering her new apartment and exploring the living room, kitchen, hallway, and bedroom. This exploration feels a bit aimless and lacks a clear purpose or direction. It would be more engaging if there was a specific goal or objective for Betty to accomplish in this scene.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Coco feels a bit forced and unnatural. It would be more effective if the conversation flowed more naturally and revealed more about the characters and their relationship.
  • The introduction of the dark-haired woman in the shower feels abrupt and lacks proper setup. It would be more effective to establish her presence earlier in the scene and build up the tension and mystery surrounding her.
  • The interaction between Betty and the dark-haired woman in the bathroom lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be more impactful if there was a stronger connection or conflict between the two characters.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of closure. It would be more satisfying if there was a clear transition or cliffhanger that leads into the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Give Betty a specific goal or objective to accomplish in the apartment, such as finding a clue or uncovering a secret.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Betty and Coco to make it more natural and revealing of their characters and relationship.
  • Establish the presence of the dark-haired woman earlier in the scene and build up the tension and mystery surrounding her.
  • Develop a stronger connection or conflict between Betty and the dark-haired woman in the bathroom to create more emotional resonance.
  • Create a clear transition or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to lead into the next scene and provide a sense of closure.



Scene 7 -  An Unexpected Guest
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM

Betty is unpacking in the bedroom and putting her belongings
in the closet and the dresser drawers. Many of her Aunt's
things are still there.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM

The dark-haired woman is looking at herself in the mirror.
She turns and begins looking around the bathroom at shampoos,
cosmetics, until her eyes fall on a poster of "Gilda"
starring Rita Hayworth.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM

The bathroom door opens and the dark-haired woman comes out
wrapped in a towel. She's drying her hair with another. She
and Betty stare at one another.

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
My name is Rita.

BETTY
Hi...do you work with my Aunt?

RITA
No ..........I.
BETTY
I...I mean......I...it's none of my
business.

RITA
She has pretty red hair... she is very
kind I think.

BETTY
She sure is. She's letting me stay here
while she's working on a movie that's
being made in Canada, but I guess you
know that. I couldn't afford a place
like this in a million years. Unless of
course I'm discovered and become a movie
star. Of course, I'd rather be known as
a great actress than a movie star, but
sometimes people end up being both and
that is, I guess you'd say, sort of why I
came here. I'm sorry, I'm just so
excited to be here..I mean I just came
here from Iowa and now I'm in this dream
place. You can imagine how I feel.

RITA
I think I've been hurt.

BETTY
Oh...

Betty goes to Rita.

BETTY (cont'd)
Sit down...

Betty sits Rita on the bed. She leans down and looks at her
head and face.


BETTY (cont'd)
Where were you hurt?

Rita motions to her head above her forehead. Betty looks
through her hair and finds her wound which has stopped
bleeding but is surrounded by a very large blue black
bruising.

BETTY (cont'd)
We should get a doctor.

RITA
No.
BETTY
But, this could be serious.

RITA
No...I need to sleep.

BETTY
If you have a concussion you shouldn't
sleep.

RITA
It will be okay if I sleep. I need to
lie down and sleep.

BETTY
All right, but...I'm going to check on
you.

Rita lies down and is instantly asleep. Betty leans over her
and listens to her breathing. She gets a blanket and drapes
it over the beautiful sleeping Rita, then leaves the room.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Betty, a bubbly and friendly woman, discovers Rita, a mysterious and standoffish woman, hiding in her apartment bathroom. Rita emerges wearing only a towel, revealing a large bruised wound on her head. Despite Betty's concern, Rita refuses medical attention and falls asleep on the bed, leaving Betty intrigued and worried.
Strengths
  • Engaging suspense
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Strong character introduction
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of mystery and tension. It effectively introduces the main character, Betty, and sets up several intriguing plot elements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young woman arriving in Los Angeles and encountering a mysterious woman with a head injury creates immediate intrigue and curiosity.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged with its suspenseful and mysterious elements. The car accident and Betty's encounter with the injured woman add depth and complexity to the story.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not present any fresh approaches. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are intriguing and well-defined, particularly Betty and the dark-haired woman. Their interaction and the contrast between Betty's excitement and the woman's vulnerability create tension and interest.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Betty's encounter with the injured woman sets up potential growth and development for both characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Betty's internal goal in this scene is to establish a connection with Rita and understand her role in her Aunt's life. This reflects Betty's desire for belonging and curiosity about her Aunt's relationships.

External Goal: 7

Betty's external goal in this scene is to take care of Rita and ensure her well-being after discovering her injury. This reflects the immediate circumstance of Rita's condition and Betty's compassionate nature.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. Betty's excitement clashes with the dark-haired woman's vulnerability, and the mystery surrounding the woman's injury creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak, as there are no significant obstacles or conflicts between the characters. The focus is more on establishing a connection and taking care of Rita.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Betty encounters a mysterious and injured woman, potentially putting herself in danger. The audience is invested in learning more about the woman's story and the consequences of their encounter.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot elements, deepening the mystery, and establishing the connection between Betty and the dark-haired woman.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the extent of Rita's injury and how it will affect the story. The introduction of Rita adds an element of mystery and raises questions about her relationship with Betty's Aunt.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including anxiety, excitement, and concern. The audience is invested in Betty's journey and curious about the dark-haired woman's story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It provides necessary information while maintaining a sense of mystery and suspense.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious character, Rita, and establishes a connection between her and Betty. The dialogue reveals Betty's excitement and curiosity, while also creating a sense of concern for Rita's well-being.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of quiet introspection and emotional connection between the characters. The dialogue exchanges are well-timed and the scene progresses smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The scene is well-organized and easy to read.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear location and action description, followed by dialogue exchanges between the characters. The scene flows smoothly and transitions between different settings effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear objectives for both Betty and Rita. It is unclear what they want from each other or what their motivations are.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with Betty rambling on about her dreams and aspirations without any real connection to the situation.
  • The interaction between Betty and Rita lacks depth and emotional resonance. It feels superficial and lacks authenticity.
  • The transition between the bathroom and the bedroom is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict, which makes it feel stagnant and uninteresting.
  • The dialogue is overly expository and lacks subtext, making it feel like the characters are simply stating information rather than engaging in meaningful conversation.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling and less reliance on dialogue to convey information and emotions.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and could be tightened to maintain the audience's interest.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of direction, leaving the audience unsure of what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • Give Betty and Rita clear objectives and motivations in the scene. What do they want from each other? What are they trying to achieve?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and authentic. Focus on creating meaningful and engaging conversation between the characters.
  • Consider adding more conflict and tension to the scene to make it more dynamic and interesting.
  • Improve the transition between the bathroom and the bedroom to create a smoother flow and better continuity.
  • Show, don't tell. Use visual storytelling techniques to convey information and emotions instead of relying solely on dialogue.
  • Consider tightening the pacing of the scene to maintain the audience's interest and keep the story moving forward.
  • Give the scene a clear resolution or sense of direction to provide a satisfying conclusion for the audience.



Scene 8 -  Violent Confrontation in Downtown LA Office
EXT. - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - LOW RENT OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

The street level of the office building is filthy and houses
stores selling racks of cheap toys. Up above we see office
windows and a big sign saying "Office Space For Rent" along
with a telephone number to call. We drift in toward one of
the windows on the sixth floor.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE ON SIXTH FLOOR

Two men are in the room, JOE and ED. Joe leans up against a
rack of filing cabinets. He is in his late twenties. He
looks like a run down, heavy metal rocker - wears a blue
denim shirt open, T-shirt underneath, black denim jeans and
motorcycle boots. His black belt has silver studs. He's
smoking a cigarette and is laughing at something the man at
the desk has said. His laugh is easy and his grin is
infectious.

The man at the desk, Ed, wears a clean, crisp black suit,
like a business man's but unlike a business man his blonde
hair is long enough to go over his shoulders.

JOE
So man, that's unheard of ... an accident
like that ... who coulda foreseen that.

ED
Unreal ... so, you're looking good.
Whatcha doin' these days?

JOE
Well, not much Ed. Just doin' some stuff
for this guy.

ED
Making ends meet, huh.

JOE
Hardly.

ED
Yeah, look at my digs ... times are tough.

JOE
Oh, things aren't so bad. Gee, I hope
you're not goin' to get in any trouble.

ED
It was just a thing. The story made you
laugh.

JOE
Yeah, that's a funny story.

Looking like he's rubbing the small of his back Joe moves
over to Ed at his desk. Joe looks down to the surface of the
desk - to a small worn black book.

JOE (cont'd)
So, there it is ... Ed's famous black book.


ED
Yeah, the history of the world in phone
numbers.

Joe's hand still at the small of his back moves into view
holding a silenced pistol and in one swift move reaches out
and fires a hole through Ed's temple - blowing Ed's brains
out across the desk, carpet and wall. Ed's head bangs down
on the desk, then is still save the leaking of blood from the
wounds. Joe flips his finished cigarette out the open window
behind Ed's desk, wipes the gun clean with a handkerchief and
places the cleaned gun in Ed's right hand. He places Ed's
right forefinger gently onto the trigger. As he puts the
finger on the trigger he presses a little too hard and the
gun goes off. The bullet shoots out and penetrates the cheap
wall at the far end of Ed's office. Joe hears a muffled
scream.

JOE (cont'd)
(disgusted with himself)
Oh...man!

With a sense of "just more stuff I got to do" Joe moves
slowly and begrudgingly out of Ed's office, checks the
corridor and goes toward the screaming which still persists.
He opens up the office door next to Ed's and finds a heavy
set woman screaming bloody murder as she is grabbing her
buttock and lower back. He sighs and walks over to her and
cups his hand tightly around her mouth to squelch the
screaming. Wide-eyed, she tries to fight him off and he
begins dragging her out of her office. Joe's foot catches on
a computer cable clumsily taped across the floor and he falls
backwards bringing the heavy woman down with a bone-crushing
blow on top of him. The woman begins beating his face with
her meaty fists. Joe snaps her head back, instantly stilling
her violent activity. He wrestles the stunned heavyweight
back to her feet and out her door. He pushes and pulls her
into Ed's office. Just before they enter, Joe notices a man
with a vacuum cleaner watching him from the far end of the
corridor. He stops and calls to the man.

JOE (cont'd)
Hey man. She's hurt bad. Get down here
and use the phone. Help me out. You
gotta call the hospital.

The man hesitates...not sure if this jives with what he's
seeing.

JOE (cont'd)
I mean it! Get down here quick! She's
hurt and I can't do everything myself,
man.


Joe pushes the woman inside Ed's office, throws a glance back
down the corridor and sees the man is on his way to him,
pushing his industrial vacuum and trailing a 200 ft. long
thick black cord as he goes. Joe goes in to Ed's office
with the woman. He throws her down on the floor in line
between Ed's desk and the bullet hole in the wall. She
starts screaming immediately and struggles to get up. Joe
grabs the pistol from Ed's dead hand and lifts it to fire,
but the woman has turned around and is almost standing.

JOE (cont'd)
No, no, no. You gotta be turned around.

He goes to her, slaps her hard in the face and spins her
around. Before she can turn again Joe races back to place
himself in the proper line at Ed's desk and quickly fires two
silenced shots into the back of her head. The man with the
vacuum enters. His eyes begin to widen in reaction to the
scene. Just then Joe fires a bullet into the man's chest.
The man inadvertently flicks on the vacuum cleaner as his
hands rush up to the wound. As the vacuum cleaner whines Joe
rushes to the man before the man falls back out into the
corridor. He pulls him into the room - the man moaning and
clutching his chest, starting to collapse. Joe releases him
and the man goes down. The vacuum cleaner seems to be
screeching now in the threshold. Joe fires the last bullet
into the heavy duty vacuum cleaner. The bullet shorts out
the internal wiring of the vacuum. That in turn blows the
building's circuit breaker and all the lights go out.

JOE (cont'd)
(disgusted with himself)
Oh ... man!

Now he hears voices - voices moving into the corridor.

VOICES
What the hell .... what happened? What's
this cord doing here? It's the vacuum.
It's the vacuum what did it.

Joe cleans the pistol once again and places it back in
Eddie's hand - Eddie's finger on the trigger. Joe picks up
the black book - turns and makes his escape by going out the
office window and quickly descending the rusty fire escape.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In this tense and violent scene, Joe shoots and kills Ed in an office on the sixth floor of a low rent office building in downtown Los Angeles. He then encounters a heavyset woman and tries to silence her, but is interrupted by a man with a vacuum cleaner. Joe shoots the man as well, causing a power outage in the building. After cleaning the gun, Joe places it back in Ed's hand before making his escape through the office window.
Strengths
  • Intense suspense
  • Unexpected murder
  • Unique use of a vacuum cleaner as a weapon
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and gripping, with its intense tone and shocking events. The unexpected murder and the use of a vacuum cleaner as a weapon add a unique and memorable element. The scene effectively creates suspense and mystery, leaving the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a murder taking place in an office building is not entirely original, but the scene adds a unique twist by using a vacuum cleaner as a weapon. This unexpected element adds intrigue and surprise to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is highly engaging and suspenseful. The murder and the subsequent events create tension and mystery, driving the story forward and keeping the audience hooked.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall premise of a violent act and escape is not entirely unique, the specific actions and details of the scene, such as the use of a silenced pistol and the accidental gunshot, add a fresh approach to the familiar situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are intriguing and well-defined. Joe is portrayed as a dangerous and unpredictable individual, while Ed and the heavy set woman add to the tension and conflict. The characters' actions and reactions contribute to the overall suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the events and actions of the characters reveal their true nature and motivations. Joe's violent and ruthless behavior is showcased, providing insight into his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Joe's deeper need or desire is to carry out a violent act and escape without getting caught.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to kill Ed and the heavy set woman, and escape without being caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both physical and psychological. The murder, the struggle between Joe and the heavy set woman, and the tension between Joe and the man with the vacuum cleaner create a high level of conflict and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces obstacles and challenges in carrying out their violent act and escaping without being caught. The presence of the heavy set woman and the man with the vacuum cleaner adds a level of unpredictability and difficulty to the protagonist's actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as lives are at risk and the consequences of the characters' actions are severe. The murder and the subsequent events create a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising questions about the characters and their motivations. It creates intrigue and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as the accidental gunshot and the protagonist's encounter with the heavy set woman. These elements add a level of surprise and uncertainty to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and intrigue, resulting in a strong emotional impact on the audience. The shocking events and the uncertainty of what will happen next create a sense of unease and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It conveys the necessary information and emotions without being overly verbose. The dialogue between Joe and Ed adds to the suspense and reveals their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the audience's attention with its gritty and suspenseful atmosphere. The actions and dialogue of the characters create a sense of tension and anticipation, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building tension gradually. The concise and impactful writing keeps the scene moving at a brisk pace, while the strategic placement of action and dialogue creates moments of suspense and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, concise action lines, and properly formatted dialogue. The use of capitalization and punctuation is consistent and appropriate.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, introduces the characters, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue that build tension and suspense. The scene ends with a cliffhanger, leaving the audience wanting to know what happens next.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a description of the setting, but it lacks specific details that would help to create a vivid image in the reader's mind. Consider adding more sensory details to make the setting come alive.
  • The dialogue between Joe and Ed feels forced and unnatural. The conversation lacks depth and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationship. Consider adding more subtext and conflict to make the dialogue more engaging.
  • The action in the scene is abrupt and lacks build-up. The sudden shift from casual conversation to violence feels jarring and doesn't allow for tension to build. Consider adding more foreshadowing or hints of danger to create a sense of anticipation.
  • The character of Joe is not well-developed. We don't know much about him or his motivations, which makes it difficult to connect with him as a reader. Consider adding more backstory or character development to make Joe more compelling.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and impact. The violence and death of Ed and the heavyset woman are treated casually and without much consequence. Consider exploring the emotional aftermath of these events to add depth and complexity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more descriptive details to the setting to create a vivid and immersive environment for the reader.
  • Revise the dialogue between Joe and Ed to make it more natural and revealing of their characters and relationship.
  • Build up the tension and foreshadowing leading up to the violence to create a more suspenseful and engaging scene.
  • Develop the character of Joe further by adding more backstory and motivations to make him more relatable and interesting.
  • Explore the emotional aftermath of the violence and death to add depth and complexity to the scene.



Scene 9 -  Casting Concerns
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CENTURY CITY BUILDING - DAY

We see three men sitting at a conference table RAYMOND(RAY)
HOTT -president of production, wearing a crisp blue
suit,VINCENT DARBY -senior vice-president, wearing a crisp
green suit and ROBERT SMITH -talent manager, wearing a crisp
brown suit. Ray and Mr. Darby sit at the head of the table
and Robert Smith sits along the side. A younger man -ADAM
KESHER enters and sits down, with an arrogant nonchalance,
next to Robert Smith. Adam is dressed in a frumpy old
fashioned plaid shirt, worn jacket, dark blue cotton slacks,
and a pair of old brown wing tips. As he sits he is holding
and twirling a vintage "7-iron" golf club.

ADAM
So what's the problem?

RAY
There is no problem.

ADAM
So why did you idiots bring me
here? ... I'm in the middle of making a
picture.

Silence for a moment. A man enters through a rear door and
whispers something to Mr. Darby and shows him something on a
piece of paper. Mr. Darby studies the piece of paper.

MR. DARBY
(to man who entered)
What was it last time?

The man who entered points to something on the paper.

MR. DARBY (cont'd)
Okay, let's try the next one.

The man nods and leaves.

RAY
He isn't gonna like it.

MR. DARBY
We'll see.

ADAM
Hello ... who're we talkin' about here?

Robert Smith shuffles nervously in his chair next to Adam.


ROBERT SMITH
You see Adam... there are some suggestions
which are to be brought forward ... and I
know you said you would entertain
suggestions and that's all anybody here
is asking you to do.

ADAM
What're you talking about?

ROBERT SMITH
An open mind ... You're in the process of
re-casting your lead actress and
I'm... (looks around) We're asking you to
keep an open mind.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense meeting, Adam, a director, faces pressure from executives and his talent manager to reconsider recasting the lead actress in his film. Despite their pleas, Adam remains resistant to the suggestion, creating an awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Strong tension and suspense
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with strong tension and a sense of impending danger.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a meeting between a filmmaker and executives is familiar, but the mysterious elements and hints of danger add intrigue and originality.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the tension and conflict between Adam Kesher and the executives, as well as the mysterious circumstances surrounding the meeting.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar (a meeting in a conference room), the dialogue and character dynamics bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions create tension and intrigue. Adam Kesher is curious and defiant, while the executives are secretive and manipulative.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the tension and conflict contribute to the development of Adam Kesher's character arc.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated. However, based on their dialogue and actions, it can be inferred that Adam Kesher's internal goal is to protect his creative vision and maintain control over his film production.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to understand why he has been brought to the conference room and to express his frustration about being interrupted during his film production.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Adam Kesher and the executives is intense and filled with suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist faces resistance and conflicting opinions from the other characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Adam Kesher's career and personal freedom are at risk in this meeting.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between Adam Kesher and the executives and setting up the mystery surrounding the meeting.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will react to the situation and what the outcome of the conversation will be.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its suspenseful and intense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and filled with subtext, conveying the power dynamics and hidden agendas of the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and other characters, creating tension and curiosity about the outcome of the conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building tension through the characters' dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and presents the conflict and tension through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with three men sitting at a conference table, but it is not clear who they are or what their roles are in the story. It would be helpful to provide some context or introduce the characters more clearly.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels a bit vague and lacks specificity. It is not clear what problem they are discussing or what the suggestions for recasting the lead actress are. Adding more specific details and clarifying the conflict would make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, making it feel static and dialogue-heavy. Adding more visual elements and actions would help bring the scene to life and make it more visually interesting.
  • The dialogue between the characters could be more dynamic and engaging. Adding conflict, tension, or emotional stakes to the conversation would make it more compelling for the audience.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene. It would be helpful to provide a clear conclusion or a smooth transition to the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Introduce the characters more clearly at the beginning of the scene, providing context and their roles in the story.
  • Add more specific details and clarify the conflict and suggestions for recasting the lead actress.
  • Include more visual descriptions and actions to make the scene more visually engaging.
  • Add conflict, tension, or emotional stakes to the dialogue to make it more dynamic and compelling.
  • Provide a clear conclusion or a smooth transition to the next scene at the end of the scene.



Scene 10 -  The Conference Room Showdown
EXT. CENTURY CITY - DAY

Before us is a huge modern office building of glass and
steel. Two men in dark suits have exited a large limousine
and are walking up into the building. We drift up the facade,
higher and higher moving in toward the top of the building.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

The men exit an elevator and move through a lobby where a
plaque beneath an enormous bronze sculpture reads "Ryan
Entertainment". Gliding we travel behind the two men down a
wide, carpeted hallway with blonde wood and glass on each
side. They enter through two large blonde wooden doors to the
conference room.

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

The men in dark suits go in as if they owned the place. Ray,
Mr. Darby and Robert Smith stand immediately. Adam remains
seated. Mr. Darby is the only one near enough to attempt a
hand shake, but when he offers his hand it is not taken. The
men in dark suits sit down without wasting a movement and
without acknowledging anyone. One of the men in a dark suit
opens a briefcase. Ray has been trying to make
introductions.

RAY
Ah... the Castigliane brothers. Let me
introduce you around ... please ... sit down.
(after they've already seated
themselves) ... this is Mr. Darby whom you
know and this is the director Adam
Kesher and his manager Robert Smith

The Castigliane brothers do not acknowledge any of this,
however, during the introductions the one with the briefcase
removes a photo of a girl and sets it in front of Ray.

RAY (cont'd)
Ah... she's very pretty.

We see the photo of the girl - of a nice looking blonde -
someone we've never seen before. Adam looks like he doesn't
know what's going on and he's getting upset about not
knowing. His manager, Robert Smith, is beginning to see the
makings of a confrontation - he's starting to panic.

MR. DARBY
(referring to Castigliane
brothers)
May I offer you gentlemen anything?

LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
Espresso.

VINCENZO CASTIGLIANE
Nothing.

ADAM
Uh what's the photo for?

MR. DARBY
(picking up phone and speaking)
One espresso ... no, that's it.
(sets phone down - addresses
Castigliane brothers)
I think you're going to enjoy your
espresso this time... I've been doing
quite a bit of research knowing how hard
you are to please... this one comes highly
recommended.

ADAM
What's the photo for?

RAY
(to Adam)
A recommendation... a recommendation to
you Adam.

VINCENZO CASTIGLIANE
Not a recommendation.


LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
This is the girl.

ADAM
What girl? For what? What is this Ray?

Ray, still standing with a forced smile, turns to the
Castigliane brothers.

RAY
We'd be happy to put her in the pile for
considerations ... you'd be pleased to know
there's quite a lot of interest in this
role.

ADAM
Interest?! There's six of the top
actresses that want this thing.

LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
This is the girl.

ADAM
Ray...you better take care of this.

ROBERT SMITH
Hold on ... hold on, Adam.

ADAM
Hold on!!!!!!!! There's no way, there's
no way!!!

Luigi Castigliane's espresso is brought in by the man who had
been in earlier. The man sets the espresso down in front of
Luigi and takes a step back. The room becomes silent -
watching the Espresso Man and Luigi. Without looking up Luigi
speaks softly.

LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
Napkin.

ESPRESSO MAN
(leading forward to hear)
Pardon?

LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
Napkin.

ESPRESSO MAN
Of course. Excuse me.

The Espresso Man leaves the room. Luigi looks at the
espresso. Vincenzo stares at Adam.

Adam is doing his best to stare down Vincenzo. The Espresso
man returns with a cloth napkin and lays it down next to the
espresso.

ESPRESSO MAN (cont'd)
Will that be all, Sir?

Luigi doesn't answer and after a moment of standing very
still waiting, the Espresso Man turns and leaves the room.
Adam is stared down by Vincenzo and averts his eyes to the
espresso cup. He looks around at Ray and Mr. Darby - seeing
them stare at the espresso cup.

Vincenzo keeps staring at Adam.

Luigi picks up the napkin and holds it in his left hand.
With his right hand he lifts the espresso cup and places it
above the napkin. He brings the cup and napkin to his mouth.
He takes a sip of espresso. A small fleeting expression forms
on Luigi's impassive face as if for one millisecond he is
going to vomit. His mouth opens and he allows the espresso
to fall and dribble onto the napkin. He pushes any remaining
espresso in his mouth out with his tongue. He holds it in
that position for a moment.

LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
Is shit!

Luigi Castigliane stands up.

RAY
I'm sorry. That was a highly
recommended...

MR. DARBY
That's considered one of the finest
espressos in the world , Sir.

Luigi just stands there. A small thread on his left suit
jacket pocket catches his attention and he smooths it back
into the fabric. Vincenzo closes his briefcase, takes out a
hankerchief and cleans his nose - then stands, placing the
handkerchief back in his pocket.

ADAM
Wait a minute!! What's going on here?

Vincenzo just stares toward Adam as if he's not even there.

ADAM
There's no way that girl is in my movie!

Silence.


LUIGI CASTIGLIANE
That is the girl.

The Castigliane brothers begin to leave. Adam stands up
trembling with anger.
ADAM
Hey!!!!! That girl is not in my film!!!

VINCENZO CASTIGLIANE
It is no longer your film.

Adam turns white and stands very still as this sinks in. The
Castigliane brothers leave. As the big blonde wood doors
close behind them Adam starts to boil.

ADAM
(screaming)
You'd better fix this, Ray!!!

RAY
I'll speak to someone.

ADAM
(turning to his manager)
And you'd better speak to someone
too ... or find yourself another client!!
This smells like a set-up to me!
(back to Ray)
And by the way, Ray, I don't know who
these guys are kidding, but every foot of
film I've shot is in a vault at the lab
that only I can access. No one's getting
that film!!

ROBERT SMITH
This is a catastrophe...
(turning toward Ray)
you told me they might insist on a girl,
that's all.

ADAM
Why didn't you tell me, Robert? That's
what I mean ... you set me up! I woulda
never come here.
(standing)
I'm leaving. I'm a director you don't
want to lose ... you guys better fix this!!

Adam storms out of the room.


RAY
(standing)
Well...I didn't know that was going to
happen.

CUT TO:
EXTERIOR - OFFICE BUILDING - CENTURY CITY - DAY

Adam exits the building carrying his 7-iron. An attendant
takes his valet parking ticket. While Adam, still fuming,
waits for his car he notices the big limo standing off to one
side. He stares at the car and the huge limo driver leaning
up against the front driver's side door.

Adam's car arrives - a late model Porsche. Before Adam gets
into his car he addresses the attendant.

ADAM
Did the Castigliane brothers get out of
that limo?

ATTENDANT
They two guys in dark suits?

Adam nods and walks over to the limo. The limo driver eyes
him and his 7-iron suspiciously.

ADAM
Castigliane brothers?

LIMO DRIVER
Beat it!

ADAM
O.K.

Adam raises his 7-iron and smashes out the limo's windshield.
He whacks two big dents in the hood, then smashes out a
headlight. The limo driver starts towards him. Adam laughs,
runs to his car and takes off.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Two men in dark suits arrive at a modern office building and bring a photo of a girl to a conference room. Adam, the film's director, is angered by the photo. The men leave, and Adam vandalizes their limo.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly intense and suspenseful, with strong conflict and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a powerful mafia-like duo trying to control the casting of a film adds intrigue and tension to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the conflict between Adam and the Castigliane brothers, which drives the tension and suspense.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a director asserting control over his film is a familiar one, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and fresh. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clearly portrayed, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Adam experiences a significant change in his perception of his film and his position of power.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his control and authority as a director. He wants to maintain creative control over his film and not be manipulated by outside forces.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront the Castigliane brothers and assert that the girl they want in his film will not be included. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining creative control and not compromising his artistic vision.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Adam and the Castigliane brothers is intense and drives the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of asserting his control over the Castigliane brothers and maintaining his artistic vision. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high for Adam, as the Castigliane brothers threaten to take control of his film.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for Adam.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know how the confrontation between the protagonist and the Castigliane brothers will play out. The actions and reactions of the characters keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in artistic integrity and the Castigliane brothers' desire for control and manipulation. This challenges the protagonist's values and forces him to confront the compromises he may have to make in the industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly anger and frustration, from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is confrontational and intense, effectively conveying the conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes conflict and builds tension through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome and wants to see how the protagonist will handle the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's engagement. The rhythm of the dialogue and the escalation of the conflict contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, moves through different locations, and ends with a dramatic moment of confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a description of the exterior of the office building, which is unnecessary and doesn't add much to the story. Consider starting the scene directly in the conference room to maintain a tighter focus.
  • The dialogue in the scene is repetitive and lacks subtlety. The characters keep asking the same questions and making the same statements, which becomes tiresome for the reader. Try to streamline the dialogue and make it more concise.
  • The conflict in the scene is not well-established. While there is tension between Adam and the Castigliane brothers, it is not clear why they want the girl in Adam's film or why Adam is so resistant to the idea. Consider adding more context and motivation to the characters' actions.
  • The actions and reactions of the characters are exaggerated and melodramatic. Adam's outburst and the destruction of the limo feel forced and unrealistic. Try to find a more subtle and believable way to convey the characters' emotions.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and the characters' emotions. Consider adding more sensory details and visual cues to create a more immersive reading experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene directly in the conference room to maintain a tighter focus.
  • Streamline the dialogue and make it more concise.
  • Add more context and motivation to the characters' actions.
  • Find a more subtle and believable way to convey the characters' emotions.
  • Add more sensory details and visual cues to create a more immersive reading experience.



Scene 11 -  Mysteries Unravel
INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - LATER DAY

Betty is stretched out on the big leather couch in the living
room. A half eaten sandwich and chips are on a plate on the
coffee table next to her. She is talking on the phone.


BETTY
No Grandpa, you wouldn't believe it.
It's more beautiful than I ever
dreamed ... no she left me a lot of food.
The refrigerator's full ... Aunt Ruthie
said she'd call me when she got
settled... it was real smooth. I sat next
to a lady who gave up her first class
seat to a boy with a broken leg. She was
so nice to me. She invited me to her
house sometime. It's in Bel Air which is
a place where people have a lot of
money... I will. Everybody's telling me
to be careful, but I sure love it here
Grandpa. Thank you for helping me get
here ... yeah, it's long distance. I love
you. Say hello to Grams. Give her a big
kiss for me. Okay, I love you
Grandpa ... bye.

Betty hangs up the phone, takes a big bite of her sandwich
and lays flat out on the couch, chewing and smiling up at the
ceiling. She suddenly remembers Rita and her promise to look
in on her. She gets off the couch and goes into the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Rita is still asleep when she enters. She leans down and
finds Rita breathing normally. She feels her forehead.
Satisfied that all is well, Betty quietly leaves the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. - EXT. APARTMENT - DAY

Betty rinses her dishes in the kitchen sink and pours herself
a cup of coffee. She takes the coffee outside to the
courtyard - to a white metal table just outside her doorway.
She sits down and stretches in the warm afternoon sun.
Across the way she can hear a blues saxophonist practicing in
one of the apartments. She drinks her coffee and listens to
the music.

Some birds fly by overhead. She takes another sip of coffee.
The blues music which was mellow and slow is now building in
tempo and volume. The phone inside rings. Betty takes her
coffee back into the living room, shutting the door behind
her. She crosses to the leather couch and picks up the
phone.


BETTY (cont'd)
Hello ... Aunt Ruth!! I can't tell you how
happy I am. Your place is so fantastic!
Yes ... Coco...what a character. I really
like her... that's too bad...waiting in an
airport must not be too fun. What's a
mosquito plane? ... Oh I get it. How long
does that take from Montreal? ... Well,
you'll sleep good tonight ... Hudson Bay
sounds beautiful ...oh well, I hope you
packed your coat. (laughs). You mean
the audition...Wally Brown... she didn't
mention it but he'll fax the dialogue to
Coco? Suddenly I'm so nervous ... okay
Aunt Ruth... I'll try. I'll study those
lines until I know them inside out.
Yes, either right here on this fabulous
leather couch or I'll take them with a
coffee in the courtyard like a regular
movie star. (laughs). Oh! I got a real
shock to find your friend Rita here. She
was in the shower and I opened the
door ... Rita ... what do you mean? She was
in an accident ... your friend Rita. No,
Coco unlocked the door. No, she didn't
see her. She's sleeping. No... she's
very nice. I'm sure there's some
explanation, Aunt Ruth... I don't think we
have to do that. Please don't worry.
I'll take care of it. No, I'll let you
know. Where can I ... okay I'll get it
from Coco.
No, please don't worry... thank you so
much for letting me stay here. You've
made me so happy... thank you, thank you.
Please don't worry... Aunt Ruth we don't
need the police. I'll call you when you
get to Hudson Bay. Please...
please ... Goodbye Aunt Ruth.

Betty slowly and quietly hangs up the phone. She sits for a
moment listening. Silently she stands and moves toward the
bedroom. As she approaches the bedroom door she stops at
something she sees. Rita is sitting on the edge of the bed
crying quietly. Betty goes into the bedroom. Rita looks up
at her with desperation.

BETTY (cont'd)
You're awake... I think I misunderstood
you. I thought you knew my Aunt and
that's why you were here. I just talked
to my Aunt on the phone and she wants me
to call the police.


Rita starts crying harder, bows down, covering her face with
her hands.
BETTY (cont'd)
Rita?

RITA
(crying harder)
I'm... sorry. I ...

Betty's heart softens.

BETTY
What is it Rita?

RITA
(still sobbing)
I'm...I'm... oh no... I thought when I woke
up... I thought sleep would do it ...

Betty kneels down in front of her.

BETTY
What's wrong?

RITA
(crying)
I don't know who I am.

BETTY
What do you mean? You're Rita.

RITA
(crying)
I'm not. I don't know what my name is.
I don't know who I am!!

Betty looks down at the purse next to Rita's dress. She picks
it up and hands it to Rita.

BETTY
This is your purse. Your name must be in
your purse.

Rita takes the purse with sudden trepidation. She hesitates.
Something is worrying her. She looks at Betty for help.

BETTY (cont'd)
You want to know don't you?

RITA
I ... yes, but ... I ...


BETTY
Open it!

Rita slowly unzips the purse. The pressure of its contents
force the mouth of the purse to widen as the zipper opens and
then there is suddenly revealed what will later be known to
be $125,000.00 cash in hundred dollar bills.

Both Rita and Betty almost stop breathing. They look at each
other, then back to the money.

Rita takes the massive wad of bills out of the purse and sets
it on the bed. She reaches back inside and comes up with the
only other remaining item in the purse ... A BLUE KEY. Betty
sees Rita's expression change to a kind of horror.
(note: This blue key is made of very fine heavy metal and
does not look like a door key.)

CUT TO:

INTERIOR - OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Ray crosses a carpeted closed area. He mounts a flight of
stairs. At the top of the stairs there's a plain blonde wood
door. Ray punches in a code on a security panel next to it.
The door opens automatically. Ray passes through and goes
down a narrow hall. At the end of the hall there is a small
elevator. Again Ray punches in a code. The elevator opens and
Ray goes in. The elevator door closes, but the elevator does
not move. Ray waits. Finally, a woman's voice comes through a
speaker.

WOMAN'S VOICE
Who is it please?

RAY
Raymond Harris ... 20743.

The elevator begins to move up. When it stops, the door opens
and Ray walks into a windowless reception area where a
beautiful Italian woman sits behind a large, blonde, modern,
built-in desk.

RECEPTIONIST
(very quietly)
You may go right in, Ray.

Ray crosses to a blonde wood double door and waits. The
receptionist pushes a button behind her desk - chimes sound
as the double doors open to an enormous office with no
windows. Heavy rich brown curtains line the walls.
Ray enters and the doors close behind him. Ray takes a few
steps forward, then stops. There is a solid glass wall that
we now notice running the width of the office. Cut into the
glass wall is a small speaker microphone apparatus. Beyond
the glass off in the center of the room is a man sitting in a
very plain, blonde, wood, modern, yet not motorized,
wheelchair. The man is paralyzed except for his right hand
and head. His head appears small in relation to the size of
his body. His suit is immaculate and one of the finest we've
ever seen. His manservant stands in the shadows behind him.

RAY
Good afternoon Mr. Roque. (pronounced
Rowk).

Mr. Roque stares at Ray silently.

RAY (cont'd)
Do you want him replaced?

Mr. Roque continues to stare.

RAY
I know they said...

MR. ROQUE
Then?

RAY
Then... I guess it's so .... alright, but
that means we should ...

MR. ROQUE
Yes?

RAY
Shut everything down ... Is that something
that...do you want us to shut everything
down?

Silence. Ray doesn't know what to do. He struggles to
interpret Mr. Roque's silence. He waits. Mr. Roque does
nothing but stare.

RAY (cont'd)
Then we'll shut everything down.

Silence.

Ray turns. The doors open as he approaches them and he
leaves the room. The doors close.
CUT TO:

EXTERIOR - OFFICE BUILDING - CENTURY CITY

Vincenzo and Luigi are staring silently and without
expression at the broken windshield of the limousine. The
limousine driver suddenly starts signaling to a car entering
the driveway to the building. He turns to the Castigliane
brothers.

LIMO DRIVER
The other car is here sirs. Please allow
me.

The limo driver opens the rear door of the new limo, then
hurries around and opens the other rear door. The new driver
gets out of the car.

LIMO DRIVER (cont'd)
Here's the key to the car. Take it
straight to the garage. They're waiting
for you.

The limo driver closes both back doors after the Castigliane
brothers are seated within. He then gets in himself and
maneuvers the big limo out into traffic.

CUT TO:

PINK'S CHILI DOGS - DAY

Two guys, JOE ( the guy who killed Ed in the sixth floor
office) and BILLY another unkept, rocker type delivery man
are standing waiting for their chili dogs with a girl, LANEY,
who could be very good looking but she seems to be in poor
health. Her hair is long and stringy. She's wearing a
tight, short sleeve blue sweater, black jeans and boots.

BILLY
Yeah, sure. Look what happened to them.

JOE
No, no, no, I told you. They're fine.
They're all real happy.

BILLY
My next delivery is up that way, so I'll
be getting down to it real soon.
JOE
You're so easy.

BILLY
Gotta keep an eye on her, that's all.

JOE
Yeah, what for?

BILLY
Keep her from gettin' in trouble, that's
all.

The chili dogs arrive and they pay for them.

BILLY (cont'd)
Can we eat in the van?

JOE
What's the matter now?

BILLY
Nothing... I don't like being out in the
open like this.

JOE
It must be just so pathetic being you.
Sure Billy, grab your dog we'll eat in
the van.

The three make their way to the van. Joe looks over at
Laney.

JOE (cont'd)
You sure you don't want anything?

LANEY
(hesitantly)
Not here...no thanks.

JOE
Not a coke or anything?

LANEY
No ... thanks though... I'll take a
cigarette if you have one.

JOE
Sure, reach in my shirt pocket there.

As Laney is getting her cigarette and lighting it..
JOE (cont'd)
Any new girls on the street these days?

LANEY
(taking her first big drag)
No. I haven't seen any.

JOE
A brunette? ... maybe beat up?

LANEY
No...

JOE
You'll keep your eyes open for me won't
you baby?

LANEY
Sure.

Joe spanks her butt as she gets in the van.

JOE
You bet you will.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Betty, while enjoying coffee in the courtyard, discovers a sleeping and disoriented woman named Rita in her aunt's apartment. Upon waking, Rita exhibits distress and memory loss. Betty finds money and a blue key in Rita's purse. Simultaneously, Ray faces questioning from the paralyzed Mr. Roque, who communicates silently, creating an unsettling atmosphere. Elsewhere, Joe and Billy monitor Laney, a sickly girl, emphasizing the need to prevent her from causing trouble.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly suspenseful and mysterious, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the identity of Rita and the significance of the money and key.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman waking up with amnesia and discovering a large sum of money and a mysterious key in her possession is intriguing and sets up a compelling mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Betty discovering Rita's amnesia and the mysterious items in her possession, creating tension and raising questions about their significance.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situations and characters are familiar, the writer adds authenticity through realistic dialogue and subtle hints of mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Betty is curious and caring, while Rita is desperate and confused. Their contrasting personalities create tension and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

Rita's character undergoes a change as she goes from being withdrawn and standoffish to desperate and vulnerable.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make sure Rita is okay and figure out her identity. This reflects Betty's caring nature and her desire to help others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to inform her Aunt Ruth about Rita's situation and decide whether to involve the police. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with Rita's presence and potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a conflict between Betty's desire to help Rita and Rita's desperation and confusion. The discovery of the money and key adds another layer of conflict and intrigue.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not very strong. While there are potential conflicts and challenges, they are not presented in a way that creates high stakes or uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The discovery of the money and key raises the stakes and adds a sense of danger and intrigue to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mystery of Rita's amnesia and the significance of the money and key.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as Rita's accident, the large amount of cash in her purse, and the mysterious blue key.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of empathy for Rita's plight and curiosity about her identity, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the characters' emotions and motivations, but it is not particularly memorable or impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery surrounding Rita's identity, creates tension through Betty's phone conversation with her Aunt Ruth, and ends with a surprising discovery of cash and a blue key in Rita's purse.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of calm and moments of tension. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Betty on the phone with her grandpa, which seems to be unrelated to the main plot and slows down the pacing of the scene.
  • There is a lack of clear conflict or tension in the scene, making it feel somewhat aimless and lacking in purpose.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Rita is somewhat repetitive and doesn't reveal much about their characters or advance the plot.
  • The discovery of the money and the blue key feels somewhat contrived and out of place in the scene, as it is not set up or foreshadowed earlier in the script.
  • The transition to the scene with Mr. Roque feels abrupt and disconnected from the previous events.
  • The scene with Mr. Roque lacks clear stakes or consequences, making it feel somewhat inconsequential to the overall story.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Rita's revelation, but it feels somewhat forced and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing or condensing the opening phone conversation to streamline the scene and focus on the main plot.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or tension between Betty and Rita to drive the scene forward and create more dramatic interest.
  • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Rita to reveal more about their characters and their relationship, and to provide more insight into the mystery surrounding Rita's identity.
  • Foreshadow the discovery of the money and the blue key earlier in the script to make it feel more organic and connected to the overall story.
  • Reconsider the transition to the scene with Mr. Roque to make it feel more seamless and connected to the previous events.
  • Increase the stakes and consequences in the scene with Mr. Roque to make it feel more impactful and relevant to the overall story.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict in the scene, either by revealing more about Rita's identity or by introducing a new twist or complication.



Scene 12 -  The Call
INT. MR. ROQUE'S OFFICE - DAY

Mr. Roque, in his wheelchair is still in the center of the
huge softly lit, windowless office. His manservant standing
silently behind him. The small built-in wheelchair phone
rings. Mr. Roque pushes a button on a small intricate remote
device he holds in his right hand. A slender streamlined
microphone rises from the arm of the chair.

MR. ROQUE
Yes?

He listens through a high-tech earplant which we now see.

MR. ROQUE (cont'd)
Thank you.

He pushes two buttons, one after another on the remote
device. We hear a small click, a dial tone, a number being
dialed, and a phone ringing.

CUT TO:
INT. DARK ELEGANT ROOM - SOMEWHERE - SIMULTANEOUS

We see the back of a man's head and just over his shoulder we
see the top of the phone which is ringing. The man picks up
the phone and brings the receiver to his ear.

THE MAN
Hello.

CUT TO:

INT. MR. ROQUE'S OFFICE - SIMULTANEOUS

MR. ROQUE
She's still missing.

We hear a small click and the line goes dead. Mr. Roque
pushes a button and the microphone descends back into the
chair.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK ELEGANT ROOM - SOMEWHERE

Again we see the back of the man's head. He's dialing a new
number. -He brings the receiver to his ear. We hear a phone
ringing - we hear a click- the phone being answered.

CUT TO:

INT. FILTHY LOW CLASS KITCHEN - SOMEWHERE - SIMULTANEOUS

We see only a black rotary wall phone and a portion of a
greasy filthy kitchen - The receiver has already been lifted
off the phone and we see only the cord extending to someone
off screen.

HAIRY-ARMED MAN
(off screen)
Talk to me...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In a windowless office, Mr. Roque receives a phone call about a missing person. He makes another call to an unknown man who then calls a hairy-armed man in a filthy kitchen.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Interconnected storylines
  • Mysterious phone conversations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of depth in some dialogue
  • Limited exploration of character emotions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue through its mysterious phone conversations and the introduction of multiple storylines. The tone and sentiment create a sense of unease and anticipation, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing woman and the interconnectedness of various characters and events adds complexity and depth to the story. The use of phone conversations to convey important information adds a layer of mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and keeps the audience guessing about the missing woman's whereabouts and the significance of the phone conversations. The introduction of multiple storylines adds intrigue and raises questions.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are not particularly unique, the use of high-tech devices and the contrast between different environments adds a fresh approach to the familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are intriguing and their actions and reactions contribute to the overall suspense and mystery of the scene. Betty and Rita's contrasting personalities create tension and curiosity.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character changes, such as Betty's growing curiosity and Rita's vulnerability. However, these changes are not fully explored in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find someone who is missing. This reflects their deeper need for control and power, as well as their fear of losing control and not being able to find the missing person.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the missing person. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as they need to find the missing person as soon as possible.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains various conflicts, including the conflict between Betty's curiosity and Rita's desire for privacy, the conflict between Mr. Roque and the unknown man regarding the missing woman, and the conflict between Joe and the people he encounters in the office building.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of finding a missing person. The audience is unsure of how the search will go and what obstacles the protagonist will encounter.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters are involved in dangerous situations, such as the car accident, the encounter with the intimidating man, and the mysterious phone conversations. The missing woman adds an element of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, raising questions, and deepening the mystery surrounding the missing woman. It also sets up future conflicts and plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a missing person and leaves the audience wondering about their whereabouts and the motivations of the characters involved.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and curiosity, but the emotional impact could be heightened with more depth and exploration of the characters' emotions and motivations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys information and emotions, particularly in the phone conversations. However, some conversations lack depth and could benefit from more nuanced exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and leaves the audience wanting to know more. The concise and focused writing style keeps the reader's attention and creates a sense of tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by keeping the action moving and maintaining a sense of tension. The concise and focused writing style helps to maintain a fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear context and purpose. It is unclear who Mr. Roque is and what his role is in the story. The conversation between Mr. Roque and the unknown man is cryptic and does not provide any meaningful information or advance the plot.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth. There is no emotional or dramatic tension in the conversation, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the scene.
  • The visual descriptions are sparse and do not create a vivid or compelling image in the reader's mind. The scene lacks visual interest and fails to create a sense of atmosphere or mood.
  • The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the script. It is unclear how it relates to the previous or following scenes and what its significance is in the overall story.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or purpose. It ends abruptly without providing any closure or resolution to the conflict or tension established.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information about Mr. Roque and his role in the story. This will help the audience understand the significance of the scene and its connection to the larger narrative.
  • Develop the dialogue to create more tension and emotional depth. Add subtext and conflict to the conversation to make it more engaging and meaningful.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and compelling image in the reader's mind. Use sensory details and descriptive language to evoke a sense of atmosphere and mood.
  • Ensure that the scene has a clear purpose and contributes to the overall story. Connect it more explicitly to the previous and following scenes to create a cohesive narrative.
  • Provide a resolution or closure to the scene. This could be achieved through a revelation, a decision, or a change in the characters' circumstances.



Scene 13 -  Mystery and Amnesia
INT. DARK ELEGANT ROOM - SOMEWHERE

Again we see only the back of the man's head.

THE MAN
Same.

CUT TO:
INT. FILTHY LOW CLASS KITCHEN - SOMEWHERE - SIMULTANEOUS

A man's hairy-arm enters frame and the receiver is placed
back on the phone, then immediately picked back up and with
the receiver held in the hand the hairy man dials a new
number. Part way through the dialing...

CUT TO:

INT. A BLUE TABLE - SOMEWHERE - SIMULTANEOUS

The surface of this table is high gloss ultra smooth
material. A very modern phone sits on this table and begins
to ring softly. A hand enters frame - a woman's hand. The
skin is pale white, almost translucent. The fingers are long
and seem slightly too large. At the ends of the fingers and
thumb are stretched tapered high gloss red fingernails which
slightly curve downward. The forefinger of the hand presses
a button on the phone. A small tone sounds - followed by a
very modern sounding coded signal.

FADE OUT:

INT. - AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - day

We pull back from Rita's face until we see that Betty and
Rita are sitting on the leather couch about four feet apart
staring at the floor. They just sit this way for awhile.

BETTY
Well... what do you think about then? I
mean... well what do you think about?

RITA
What do you mean?

BETTY
Well ... if you don't remember anything, I
mean what goes through your mind then if
you don't remember anything?

RITA
Nothing. I do remember the car crash... I
told you... I remember the glass ... I
think about that sometimes ... I remember
walking here, sort of. Now I remember
this place and you. That's about it.

BETTY
How do you remember how to talk?
RITA
I don't know.

BETTY
You don't remember anything else?

RITA
No
(she covers her eyes with her
hands)
There is something...something there I
can't tell... I can't describe it.
(struggling to figure it out -
to express it)
There are things there.... but I'm... here.

Betty thinks about what Rita has said. Somehow it seems to
make sense to her.

BETTY
The money. You don't know where it came
from?

RITA
Unh, unh.

BETTY
When you think about them... the
money... the key ... does it make you
remember anything?

Silence.

RITA
The money... I don't know about the
money... the key... it makes me feel ...
afraid.

CUT TO:

BEVERLY HILLS CITY STREETS - DAY

A car - a late model generic sedan is moving toward us. Two
men dressed in suits and wearing dark glasses are driving
slowly. As they go each man is scanning sidewalks,
buildings, passing cars as if hunting for someone. They pass
by us and as we turn we leave them and pick-up Adam driving
in the opposite direction in the other lane. We stay with
Adam.

Adam drives his Porsche up a palm lined street.
ADAM
Office...

The voice activated phone connects the line to Adam's office.
A secretary answers.

SECRETARY
Adam Kesher's office.

ADAM
It's me. Where's Cynthia?

SECRETARY
She's on the set. I'll connect you Mr.
Kesher.

Another ringing sound, then a voice.

VOICE
Stage One.

SECRETARY
Paul, I have Mr. Kesher for Cynthia.

PAUL
Right baby, all Hell's broke loose down
here. I'll try to find her.

Adam listens to dead silence for a moment or two then Cynthia
speaks.

CYNTHIA
Adam, where are you?

ADAM
What's going on, Cynthia?

CYNTHIA
They've closed the set. They sent
everybody home.

ADAM
What did you say?

CYNTHIA
They fired everyone.

ADAM
Who fired everyone?
CYNTHIA
(starting to cry)
Ray did ... and then they closed the
set.... everybody's gone. You'd better
get down here Adam!

ADAM
No.

CYNTHIA
You've got to talk to Ray you've got to
fix this.

ADAM
I'm going home.

CYNTHIA
Home! Meet me at the office. We've got
to do something ... you've got to do
something Adam!

ADAM
I'm going home Cynthia.

CYNTHIA
Adam, this isn't like you. Please come
to the office. There must be something
we can do.

ADAM
I'm going home. I'll call you later.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Rita struggles with memory loss while Adam faces a crisis in his film production. Mysterious figures linger in the background, adding to the suspense and confusion.
Strengths
  • Intriguing setup of mystery
  • Well-developed characters
  • Effective use of dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of strong emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of mystery and intrigue, introducing compelling characters and raising questions that hook the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a woman with amnesia and the discovery of a large sum of money and a mysterious key adds intrigue and sets up the central mystery of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Betty's curiosity about Rita's amnesia and the mysterious items found in her purse, setting up the central mystery of the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Betty and Rita are intriguing and well-developed, with Betty's curiosity contrasting with Rita's withdrawn and mysterious nature.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for character growth and development as Betty and Rita navigate the mystery together.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to remember and understand her own memories. This reflects her deeper need to regain her identity and make sense of her past.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to figure out the source of the money and the key. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing, such as her amnesia and the mysterious elements surrounding her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a sense of conflict between Betty's curiosity and Rita's desire to keep her past hidden.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces challenges and obstacles, such as her amnesia and the mysterious elements surrounding her, but the audience is not left completely uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The discovery of the large sum of money and the mysterious key raises the stakes and adds a sense of danger and intrigue to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the central mystery and establishing the relationship between Betty and Rita.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the firing of everyone on the set and the protagonist's decision to go home instead of taking action.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene creates a sense of intrigue and curiosity, but does not elicit strong emotional responses.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the confusion and curiosity of Betty and Rita, as well as the sense of mystery surrounding Rita's amnesia.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces mystery and raises questions about the protagonist's past and the events happening around her.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The quick cuts between different locations and the dialogue exchanges create a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, concise action lines, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a mysterious phone call and then transitions to Betty and Rita sitting silently on a couch. The dialogue between Betty and Rita feels disjointed and lacks depth. There is a lack of emotional connection between the characters, making it difficult for the audience to engage with their conversation.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are intriguing, but they don't contribute much to the overall story or character development. The focus on the back of the man's head and the woman's hand with long red fingernails feels disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and confusing. It's unclear how these different elements are related and how they contribute to the overall narrative.
  • The conflict in the scene is not well-defined. There are hints of tension and mystery, but it's not clear what the stakes are or what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of closure. It ends abruptly, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Rita to create a stronger emotional connection between the characters. Explore their motivations, fears, and desires to make their conversation more engaging and meaningful.
  • Clarify the relationship between the different elements in the scene and how they contribute to the overall narrative. Make sure each element serves a purpose and moves the story forward.
  • Define the conflict more clearly and establish the stakes for the characters. What are they trying to achieve? What obstacles are they facing? This will create a sense of tension and drive the scene forward.
  • Provide a clear resolution or sense of closure at the end of the scene. This can be achieved through a revelation, a decision, or a change in the characters' circumstances.
  • Consider revising the visual descriptions to make them more relevant to the story and character development. Focus on details that contribute to the overall mood, tone, and themes of the scene.



Scene 14 -  Call the Police
EXT. - 1612 HAVENHURST - DAY

ESTABLISH

CUT TO:

INT . AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - DAY

The girls are still sitting on the leather couch as before,
but now silently off in their own worlds. After a moment...

BETTY
I wonder where you were going.

Betty's question hangs in the air. Slowly we move close to
Rita who is on the verge of remembering something.
Suddenly -

RITA
Mulholland Drive.

BETTY
Mulholland Drive?

RITA
That's where I was going... Mulholland
Drive.

BETTY
Maybe that's where the accident was.
There must be a police report. We could
call.

RITA
No.... I don't...

BETTY
We could call anonymously from a pay
phone... just to see if there was an
accident.

Rita sits worrying.

BETTY (cont'd)
Come on. It'll be just like in the
movies. We'll pretend to be someone
else. I want to walk around anyway. I'm
in Hollywood and I haven't even seen any
of it. Come on Rita. Do you feel up to
it?

RITA
Okay... but just...just to see.

BETTY
Just to see if there was an accident on
Mulholland Drive.

RITA
(tentatively)
Okay.

BETTY
Come on... let's find you something to
wear.

CUT TO:
AUNT RUTH'S BEDROOM - DAY

Betty laughs as she holds one of Ruth's dresses in front of
Rita.

BETTY
It's terrible ... My Aunt dresses like Miss
Marple.
(off a blank stare from Rita )
She's kind of a frumpy woman detective in
British movies.

Rita laughs along with Betty. Betty goes back in the closet.

BETTY (cont'd)
Here's something okay.

She brings out a pair of khaki pants.

BETTY (cont'd)
Try these on. You can wear one of my T-
shirts with it and it won't look bad with
those sandals.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Betty and Rita, sitting in an apartment, discuss the car crash Rita was in. Betty convinces Rita to call the police anonymously to inquire about an accident on Mulholland Drive. They decide to go out and find a payphone to make the call.
Strengths
  • Effective suspense and mystery
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates a sense of mystery and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the characters' past and the events that led to Rita's memory loss.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring memory loss and uncovering hidden secrets adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Rita's memory loss and Betty's determination to uncover the truth, creating tension and driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and premise of investigating a mysterious past are familiar, the specific details and dialogue add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their contrasting personalities add depth to the scene. Betty is curious and chatty, while Rita is withdrawn and mysterious.

Character Changes: 7

Rita's memory loss and Betty's determination to help her showcase a potential character change and growth throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about Rita's past and the accident on Mulholland Drive. This reflects Betty's desire for adventure and curiosity, as well as her willingness to help Rita.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go to Mulholland Drive and investigate if there was an accident. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as well as their desire for answers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Betty's curiosity and Rita's reluctance to remember, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is some hesitation from Rita, it is not a strong obstacle that creates high stakes or uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Rita, as her memory loss and the car accident on Mulholland Drive hold the key to her identity and potential danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mystery surrounding Rita's memory loss and setting up Betty's quest to uncover the truth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the idea of investigating an accident on Mulholland Drive, which adds a layer of mystery and uncertainty to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and concern for Rita's well-being, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially in Betty's persistent questioning and Rita's hesitant responses.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and sets up a plan for the characters to investigate. The dialogue between Betty and Rita creates a sense of anticipation and curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building up the tension and curiosity. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, keeping the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, transitions to the interior location, and includes dialogue and character actions in a logical sequence.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene feels a bit forced and unnatural. The conversation between Betty and Rita lacks depth and emotional resonance.
  • The transition between Betty asking where Rita was going and Rita suddenly remembering Mulholland Drive feels abrupt and could be better developed.
  • The motivations and emotions of the characters are not fully explored or conveyed in this scene, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details, which could help create a more vivid and engaging atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with Betty quickly suggesting they call the police and go for a walk without allowing for a deeper exploration of Rita's emotions and fears.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and subplots to add complexity and depth to the story.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Rita could be more nuanced and reflective of their individual personalities and backgrounds.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details and imagery to create a stronger sense of time and place.
  • The transition between Aunt Ruth's apartment and the bedroom is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The humor in the scene, such as Betty's comment about her aunt dressing like Miss Marple, feels out of place and disrupts the emotional tone of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Develop the conversation between Betty and Rita to delve deeper into their emotions and fears.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more exploration of the characters' motivations and conflicts.
  • Add more visual descriptions and details to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere.
  • Consider adding subplots or additional layers of complexity to the scene to enhance the overall story.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and backgrounds.
  • Include more sensory details and imagery to enhance the reader's experience of the scene.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations within the scene to create a more seamless flow.
  • Consider removing or revising the humor in the scene to maintain a consistent emotional tone.



Scene 15 -  Unexpected Discovery
EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE - BEL AIR

Adam pulls into his driveway, but is blocked from entering
the garage by a poolman's truck. He gets out of the car and
looks at the truck - sees the insignia on the door which is a
blue square with the word "Gene" above and the word "Clean"
below. Adam hears steps behind him and turns. A JAPANESE
GARDENER is coming toward him smiling and bowing.

JAPANESE GARDENER
Ah, Mister ... you remember me. I am Taka.
your gardener. For long time I not see
you. I pleased to see you.

Taka reaches out his hand and Adam shakes it.

ADAM
Hello Taka. It's 'cause I'm never home
in the day time. It's good to see you
again. The garden looks great.

Taka bows, smiling and nodding, and goes back to work. Adam
heads toward the front door of his house.

CUT TO:
INT. - ADAM'S HOUSE - DAY

Adam enters, puts his 7-iron in his golf bag just inside the
door, then looks around. He can see the pool through a wall
of plate glass windows, but there is no one visible poolside.

ADAM
(calling out)
Lorraine...
(then louder)
Lorraine ... you home?

He hears a noise, something falling. He walks in the
direction of the noise. It leads him to his bedroom. His
expression darkens as he approaches the closed door. He
hears voices as he throws the door open.

LORRAINE and the poolman GENE are in bed.

LORRAINE
Now, you've done it!

GENE
Just forget you ever saw it. It's better
that way.

LORRAINE
What the hell are you even doing here?

Adam stands stunned for a moment. Then finds himself walking
over to the dresser and opening the top drawer. He removes a
large case.

LORRAINE (cont'd)
What are you doing?

Adam starts walking out of the bedroom with the case.

LORRAINE (cont'd)
THAT'S MY JEWELRY!!!

Adam leaves the bedroom and starts through the house. He
goes into the kitchen and looks around - numb but trying to
think.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Adam arrives home to find his driveway blocked by a poolman's truck. Greeted by his gardener Taka, Adam enters his house and discovers Lorraine in bed with the poolman, Gene. Confronting them, Adam takes a case of jewelry and leaves the bedroom. He walks through the house, trying to process the betrayal.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some characters lack development
  • Some plotlines may be confusing for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes a sense of mystery and tension, with compelling dialogue and strong character interactions. The introduction of multiple plotlines adds depth and complexity to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around betrayal and discovery, as characters uncover secrets and face unexpected challenges. The use of multiple perspectives and interconnected storylines adds intrigue and depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and suspenseful, with unexpected twists and turns. It introduces multiple conflicts and raises intriguing questions that hook the audience and leave them wanting to know more.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of discovering a spouse's infidelity is a familiar one, the specific details and character interactions bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed and intriguing, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and conflicts drive the plot forward and create tension.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this particular scene, the events and revelations set the stage for potential character growth and transformation in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his wife and the poolman about their affair. This reflects his deeper need for honesty, trust, and emotional connection in his relationship, as well as his fear of betrayal and loss.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve his jewelry from the bedroom. This reflects the immediate circumstance of discovering his wife's infidelity and his desire to remove himself from the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, that create tension and drive the plot forward. The conflicts between characters and their own desires and fears add depth and complexity to the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is faced with the shocking revelation of his wife's affair. The audience is unsure of how he will respond and what obstacles he will encounter.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as characters face betrayal, danger, and the potential loss of their dreams and identities. The consequences of their actions and decisions have significant implications for their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plotlines, conflicts, and mysteries. It raises questions and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know how the protagonist will react to the discovery of his wife's affair. The presence of the poolman adds an element of uncertainty to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the values of honesty and deception. The protagonist's belief in the importance of honesty and trust is challenged by his wife's affair and the poolman's suggestion to forget about it. This conflict challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including suspense, confusion, and empathy. The intense and unsettling atmosphere, combined with the characters' struggles and revelations, creates an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys emotions and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a dramatic and emotionally charged situation. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's internal struggle and wants to see how he will react to the betrayal.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and builds tension through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Adam arriving home and being blocked from entering the garage by a poolman's truck. This initial setup creates a sense of tension and conflict, as Adam is unable to access his own property.
  • The introduction of the Japanese gardener, Taka, adds a touch of cultural diversity to the scene, but his presence feels somewhat disconnected from the overall narrative. It might be worth exploring ways to integrate Taka's character more effectively into the story.
  • The dialogue between Adam and Taka is somewhat stilted and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to develop their conversation further to reveal more about their relationship and provide additional context for the scene.
  • The discovery of Lorraine and the poolman, Gene, in bed together is a pivotal moment in the scene, but the dialogue between the characters feels somewhat cliché and predictable. Consider adding more nuance and complexity to their interaction to make it more engaging for the audience.
  • The actions and reactions of Adam in response to the situation are somewhat unclear. It would be helpful to provide more insight into his emotional state and motivations in order to create a stronger connection between the character and the audience.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with a sense of unresolved conflict. Consider adding a resolution or a clear transition to the next scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Adam and Taka to make it more natural and meaningful. Explore ways to integrate Taka's character more effectively into the narrative.
  • Develop the dialogue between Lorraine and Gene to add depth and complexity to their interaction. Avoid clichés and predictable exchanges.
  • Provide more insight into Adam's emotional state and motivations through his actions and reactions. This will help the audience connect with the character on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding a resolution or a clear transition to the next scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion for the audience.



Scene 16 -  Paint and Fury
INT. ADAM AND LORRAINE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Lorraine is getting dressed as fast as she can.

LORRAINE
That bastard!


GENE
He's probably upset Lorraine.

CUT TO:

INT. ADAM'S KITCHEN - DAY

Adam leaves the kitchen and goes out into the garage. He
turns on the light and looks around. He spots some paint
cans on a shelf and grabs one and goes back into the kitchen.
He can hear Lorraine calling his name. She seems to be
coming closer. He sets the jewelry case and the paint can on
the floor, kneels down and opens the paint can with his car
key. Just as Lorraine enters the kitchen, he opens the
jewelry box and empties the 3/4 full gallon can of Hot Pink
paint into her jewelry case.

LORRAINE
WHAT.. ARE ... YOU ... DOING!!!???

He puts his hands into the paint and jewels and smushes them
about. Lorraine rushes toward him.

LORRAINE (cont'd)
STOP IT!!!

Lorraine grabs hold of him. Starts pulling his hair,
slapping his face. She tears his jacket. Adam stands all at
once and with his wet Hot Pink hands he pushes Lorraine and
slams her into the kitchen counter just as Gene the poolman
enters. Gene grabs ahold of Adam, cocks back and slams his
huge suntanned fist into Adam's face.

GENE
That's not a way to treat your wife,
buddy. I don't care what she's done.

Adam gets up off the floor bleeding from the nose and tries
to hit Gene. Gene blocks his punch and slams Adam again,
knocking him down to the kitchen floor where he lands and
spills the jewelry case. Adam, now covered with paint, is
picked up by Gene and thrown out toward the front door.

LORRAINE
Throw him out!

Lorraine opens the front door while Gene picks Adam up, moves
him across the carpet and heaves him out onto the front lawn.
Lorraine slams the door behind him.
Adam picks himself up, severely dazed and bleeding pretty
badly, he heads for his car.


Taka stops gardening and smiles and bows at Adam as he gets
into his car.

Adam drives away - pink paint and red blood all over.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary An intense confrontation unfolds as Lorraine accuses Adam of pouring paint into her jewelry case. Gene, the poolman, intervenes, leading to a physical altercation between Adam and Lorraine. The conflict escalates, resulting in Gene throwing Adam out of the house, leaving him bloodied and dazed.
Strengths
  • Intense and impactful confrontation
  • Strong emotional performances
  • Visually striking use of hot pink paint
Weaknesses
  • None identified

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful and intense, with strong emotions and a shocking turn of events. The confrontation between the characters is well-executed and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heated confrontation between a husband, wife, and the poolman is not entirely unique, but the addition of the hot pink paint as a symbol of destruction adds an interesting visual element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the confrontation between Adam, Lorraine, and Gene, leading to the destruction of Lorraine's jewelry. The events are unexpected and create a significant turning point in the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a marital conflict is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters bring a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 10

The characters in the scene, particularly Adam and Lorraine, display strong emotions and conflicting motivations. Their actions and dialogue effectively convey their personalities and contribute to the tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, particularly Adam, undergo a significant change in this scene. Adam's initial frustration and anger escalate into violence, revealing a darker side to his personality.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express his anger and frustration towards his wife. It reflects his deeper need for control and his fear of being disrespected or mistreated.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retaliate against his wife for her actions. It reflects the immediate circumstances of their troubled marriage and the challenge of dealing with their emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and physical, with characters engaging in a violent confrontation. The conflict drives the plot and reveals the characters' true emotions and motivations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces resistance from his wife and the poolman. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the confrontation between Adam, Lorraine, and Gene escalates into violence. The destruction of Lorraine's jewelry represents a significant loss for her and has consequences for the characters' relationships.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict between the characters and revealing their true emotions and motivations. The destruction of Lorraine's jewelry also has consequences for the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the conflict between the characters will escalate or resolve. The introduction of the poolman adds an unexpected element to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including shock, anger, and distress. The intense confrontation and the destruction of Lorraine's jewelry create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is intense and emotionally charged. The characters' words reveal their anger, betrayal, and desperation. The dialogue effectively drives the conflict and adds depth to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a dramatic conflict between the characters and keeps the audience invested in the outcome. The intense emotions and physical actions create a sense of suspense and tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick transitions and actions keep the audience engaged and create a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively transitions between different locations and actions, maintaining a clear flow of events.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly with Lorraine getting dressed quickly and expressing anger towards someone. It would be helpful to provide some context or build-up to this moment.
  • The dialogue between Lorraine and Gene is brief and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship and motivations further.
  • The actions of Adam in the kitchen are sudden and extreme. It would be more effective to establish his emotional state and build tension before he takes such drastic measures.
  • The physical altercation between Adam and Lorraine feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. It would be more impactful to slow down the scene and focus on the characters' emotions and reactions.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Adam leaving the house. It would be more satisfying to provide a resolution or a moment of reflection for the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief scene before this one to establish the conflict between Lorraine and Adam.
  • Expand the dialogue between Lorraine and Gene to provide more insight into their relationship and motivations.
  • Build up the tension and emotional state of Adam before he takes drastic actions in the kitchen.
  • Slow down the physical altercation between Adam and Lorraine to allow for more emotional impact.
  • Provide a resolution or a moment of reflection for the characters at the end of the scene.



Scene 17 -  Rita and Betty Leave Aunt Ruth's House
INT. AUNT RUTH'S BEDROOM - DAY

Rita is now dressed to go out and is studying herself in a
mirror. She turns and her gaze falls to her purse. She
picks it up and looks questioningly at Betty.

BETTY (cont'd)
No ... you shouldn't take that. Let's hide
it.

They look around the room... There's a hatbox in the closet
above the clothes rack. Betty brings it down, takes out the
hat, and Rita puts the purse inside. Betty puts the hat over
the purse in the hatbox and puts in back in the closet.
Betty puts out her hand. Rita looks at it for a moment,
smiles, and they shake.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT COURTYARD - DAY

All dressed now Betty and Rita leave Aunt Ruth's apartment
and walk across the courtyard past Coco's apartment and out
through the iron gates. No one is about.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY

Betty and Rita walk along. Birds are chirping in the trees
which line both sides of the street. Betty is smiling and
once again looking around at everything. Her good mood and
excitement about life lifts Rita's spirits.

Coming toward them on the sidewalk are two people - a middle-
aged woman and a young boy around 10 years old. The boy is
very thin and something is wrong with him as he is walking
awkwardly on crutches. As the two groups pass each other on
the sidewalk Betty is struck deeply by the boy's brilliant,
luminous blue eyes which are at once innocent and filled with
wisdom.


After they pass each other Betty turns back and sees the boy
and the woman enter 1612 Havenhurst. Betty and Rita continue
up the street.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Rita prepares to leave Aunt Ruth's house, hiding her purse in a hatbox with Betty's help. As they walk through the courtyard and onto the street, Betty notices a young boy with crutches and luminous blue eyes.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Strong character introduction
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the tone and introduces the main characters. It creates intrigue and curiosity about Rita's memory loss and the significance of the blue key. The dialogue is engaging and the pacing keeps the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman with amnesia and her newfound friend embarking on a journey to uncover her identity is intriguing and provides a strong foundation for the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the mystery surrounding Rita's memory loss and the discovery of the blue key. It sets up the main conflict and establishes the goal of uncovering Rita's past.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and actions are familiar and do not present any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is moderate, but there are no standout moments of originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Betty is portrayed as curious, optimistic, and eager to help Rita. Rita is mysterious, withdrawn, and struggling with memory loss. Their contrasting personalities create an interesting dynamic.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and transformation for both Betty and Rita as they embark on their journey.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Rita's internal goal is to feel more confident and secure. This reflects her deeper need for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to hide her purse in the hatbox and leave Aunt Ruth's apartment without being noticed. This reflects the immediate circumstance of needing to conceal something and avoid suspicion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is relatively low, as it focuses more on establishing the characters and their goals. However, the mystery surrounding Rita's memory loss creates a sense of tension and anticipation.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak. The obstacle of hiding the purse is easily overcome, and there is no significant tension or conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it focuses more on character introduction and setting up the mystery. However, the potential consequences of Rita's memory loss and the significance of the blue key create a sense of intrigue and anticipation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main characters, their goals, and the mystery surrounding Rita's memory loss. It sets up the central conflict and establishes the foundation for the plot.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the significance of the boy with the blue eyes and how it will relate to the story. However, the overall events and actions are relatively predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity and empathy for Rita's situation. Betty's optimism and willingness to help create a sense of hope and connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding mystery.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and anticipation. The audience is curious about the contents of the purse and the reason for hiding it. The interaction between Betty and Rita also creates a sense of camaraderie and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow. The actions and dialogue progress smoothly without any unnecessary delays or rushed moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a specific location and time, includes character actions and dialogue, and transitions smoothly between different settings.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or conflict for the characters. It seems to be a transitional scene with no real tension or purpose.
  • The dialogue is minimal and lacks depth. There is no meaningful conversation or character development.
  • The visual descriptions are basic and do not add much to the scene. There is a missed opportunity to create a more vivid and engaging visual experience.
  • The scene feels disconnected from the overall story and does not contribute to the plot or character arcs.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or impact in the scene. The characters' actions and reactions feel superficial and uninteresting.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a clear objective or conflict for the characters in this scene to create tension and drive the story forward.
  • Develop the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' thoughts, feelings, and motivations. Use this scene as an opportunity for character development.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the reader. Use vivid language and sensory details to bring the scene to life.
  • Ensure that each scene contributes to the overall plot and character arcs. Consider how this scene can be connected to the larger story and how it can advance the narrative.
  • Add emotional depth and impact to the scene by exploring the characters' internal struggles and desires. Show their vulnerabilities and conflicts to make the scene more compelling.



Scene 18 -  An Unexplained Accident
EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - DAY

The girls walk along the busy boulevard, past guitar shops,
video stores. Betty is looking for a payphone. Rita's eyes
dart back and forth nervously. She's beginning to feel
frightened.

CUT TO:

PAYPHONE ON RED BRICK WALL - DAY

We see the red brick building. It is Denny's. Betty and
Rita are walking to the payphone. Betty digs out some change
from her purse. She picks up the receiver, drops in a
quarter and dials the "0" for Operator. An Operator answers.

BETTY
Hollywood Police Department please.

OPERATOR
Is this an emergency?

BETTY
No, no, I just want the number.

OPERATOR
Hold for the number.

Betty gets the number for the Hollywood Police Station, re-
deposits the quarter and dials.

VOICE
Hollywood Police Department

BETTY
I'm inquiring about an accident that
happened last night on Mulholland Drive.

VOICE
Hold please. I'll connect you to
traffic.

Betty holds.
SERGEANT BAXTER
Traffic. Sergeant Baxter speaking.


BETTY
Hi. I'm inquiring ...well, I heard a
sound last night that sounded like a car
crash and I want to know if there was an
accident on Mulholland Drive.

SERGEANT BAXTER
Yes, there was.

BETTY
Can you tell me what happened?

SERGEANT BAXTER
No. I can't.

BETTY
Was anyone hurt?

SERGEANT BAXTER
May I have your name please?

Betty hangs up. She turns to Rita smiling like a girl who's
done something bad and gotten away with it.

BETTY
There was an accident. He wouldn't tell
me anything else, but that was your
accident Rita. I just know it was.
Maybe there's something about it in the
papers. Come on I'll buy you a cup of
coffee and we can see.

Betty and Rita enter Denny's.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Betty and Rita walk along Sunset Boulevard, with Betty searching for a payphone. Outside Denny's, Betty calls the Hollywood Police Department to inquire about a car crash on Mulholland Drive. The police confirm the accident but refuse to provide details. Convinced it was Rita's accident, Betty suggests they check the newspapers for more information.
Strengths
  • Engaging mystery
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Well-developed plot
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a strong sense of mystery and tension. It introduces intriguing plot elements and raises questions that captivate the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious accident and the subsequent investigation is intriguing and keeps the audience hooked. The subplot involving Adam adds depth to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged with its mystery and suspense. The discovery of the accident and Betty and Rita's investigation adds intrigue and tension.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of investigating an accident is familiar, the writer adds freshness through the mysterious atmosphere and the protagonist's curiosity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the overall mystery and tension of the scene. Betty is curious and determined, while Rita is fearful and confused.

Character Changes: 7

Rita undergoes a significant change in the scene as she starts to remember details about the accident. This change adds depth to her character and raises further questions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out more information about the accident on Mulholland Drive. This reflects her curiosity and desire to uncover the truth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find out if there was an accident on Mulholland Drive and if anyone was hurt. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing, as well as her concern for her friend Rita.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both externally (the investigation into the accident) and internally (Rita's memory loss and fear). This conflict adds tension and drives the plot forward.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While the protagonist faces some resistance from the police officer in getting information about the accident, it is not a major obstacle that creates high stakes or uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Betty and Rita delve deeper into the mystery of the accident and face potential danger. The discovery of the money and key also raises the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mysterious accident and Betty and Rita's investigation. It also adds complexity to Adam's character and sets up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know the full details of the accident on Mulholland Drive. The protagonist's actions and the mysterious atmosphere create a sense of uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and curiosity in the audience. The characters' fear and confusion also elicit empathy and concern.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It provides necessary information and drives the plot forward, but could benefit from more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the accident on Mulholland Drive. The dialogue between the characters is intriguing and keeps the audience interested in finding out more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and intrigue. The concise and straightforward dialogue keeps the scene moving at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by a series of shots focusing on the characters' actions and dialogue. The scene progresses logically and smoothly.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Betty and Rita walking along Sunset Boulevard, but there is no description of their emotions or actions. Adding some physical descriptions or gestures would help to bring the scene to life.
  • The dialogue between Betty and the operator feels a bit stiff and unnatural. It could be more conversational and less formal.
  • The conversation between Betty and Sergeant Baxter is very brief and lacks tension or suspense. It would be more engaging if there was some back-and-forth between them, with Betty trying to get more information and Sergeant Baxter being evasive.
  • The transition from the phone call to Betty turning to Rita and smiling feels abrupt and disconnected. It would be helpful to have a smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection from Betty before she shares the news with Rita.
  • The scene ends with Betty and Rita entering Denny's, but there is no indication of their emotions or reactions to the news of the accident. Adding some internal thoughts or reactions from the characters would help to deepen their connection to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a description of Betty and Rita's body language or facial expressions to convey their emotions and build tension.
  • Revise the dialogue between Betty and the operator to make it more conversational and natural.
  • Add more dialogue and interaction between Betty and Sergeant Baxter to create suspense and intrigue.
  • Smooth out the transition between the phone call and Betty sharing the news with Rita, perhaps by adding a moment of reflection or internal thought from Betty.
  • Include some internal thoughts or reactions from Betty and Rita as they enter Denny's to show their emotional response to the news of the accident.



Scene 19 -  Waitress Under Suspicion
INT.- DENNY'S - DAY

Rita and Betty are seated next to the table where Dan and
Herb sat earlier in the day. They both have a cup of coffee
in front of them. Betty has a newspaper open and she is
scanning the last pages.

BETTY (cont'd)
Maybe it happened so late it's not going
to be in today's paper.
RITA
There's nothing?

BETTY
Not that I can see.


The same waitress - Diane, comes up to the girl's table and
freshens up their coffee. Betty looks up and smiles, sees
Diane's nameplate.

BETTY (cont'd)
Thank you ... Diane.

Rita shoots a look from Betty to Diane to the nameplate.

CUT TO:

close-up nameplate

The word "DIANE" is huge from Rita's POV.

CUT TO:

Back to scene

Diane finishes pouring Rita's cup and smiles at Betty.

DIANE
You're welcome. Will that be all? You
want your check?

BETTY
Just the coffee. Rita, you want
something?

RITA
(still staring at the nameplate
- thinking)
No. Just the coffee.

BETTY
We'll take our check.

Diane searches through her many checks to find Betty and
Rita's.

The manager of Denny's, standing with a woman in a blue
dress, calls Diane's name. Diane turns and looks to the
manager and the woman. A fleeting fear goes through her
eyes. She surreptitiously reaches in her pocket and takes
out a Mont Blanc fountain pen which she puts under Betty's
check as she places it on their table. She does this very
quickly but Betty notices this and Diane notices Betty
noticing. Diane walks quickly over to the manager and the
woman in the blue dress. Betty turns and watches a heated
conversation that she can't hear, but she sees the woman in
the blue dress searching her purse and shrugging and then
leaving.


The manager says something to Diane and Diane turns her
pockets inside out and pats herself down in front of the
manager showing him her innocence. He waves her off and she
goes behind the counter to retrieve an order of food. Betty
stops watching and turns her attention to Rita, who is tense
and lost in a thought.

BETTY (cont'd)
What is it Rita?

RITA
(without moving a muscle)
Shhhh.

At that moment Diane the waitress reappears at their table.
Diane looks Betty in the eye and while looking at Betty her
left hand slides the Mont Blanc out from under the check and
back into her pocket.

DIANE
Thank you. Come in again.

Betty holds her gaze.

BETTY
You're welcome. We will.

Relieved Diane leaves and goes about her business. Betty
looks over at Rita waiting for her to tell her something.
Rita slowly turns and focuses on Betty.

RITA
I remember something... I remember
something!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary At Denny's, Betty notices a waitress named Diane secrete a pen under a check. A heated conversation with the manager and a woman in blue ensues, but Diane's pockets are found empty. Rita, initially lost in thought, suddenly remembers something.
Strengths
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing clues
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the interaction between Betty, Rita, and Diane. The discovery of the nameplate and the suspicious behavior of Diane add intrigue to the scene. The dialogue is engaging and keeps the audience curious about Rita's memory loss and the potential connection to the car accident on Mulholland Drive.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering clues and piecing together the mystery of Rita's memory loss and the car accident is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged. The introduction of the nameplate and the suspicious behavior of Diane adds an element of suspense and raises questions about the truth behind Rita's situation.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Betty and Rita search for information about the car accident on Mulholland Drive. The discovery of the nameplate and the suspicious behavior of Diane adds a new layer of mystery to the story. The scene also sets up the conflict between Betty and Rita's desire to uncover the truth and the potential dangers they may face.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the writer adds tension and intrigue through the characters' actions and the use of small details.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Betty and Rita's characters are developed further in this scene as they work together to uncover clues about the car accident. Betty is curious and determined, while Rita is tense and lost in thought. The interaction between Betty and Diane also adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Betty and Rita's characters are further developed as they work together to uncover clues. Betty's curiosity and determination are highlighted, while Rita's confusion and tension are emphasized.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to remember something. This reflects their deeper desire to uncover a memory or piece of information that may be important to them.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to have a cup of coffee and pay for it. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being in a restaurant and the challenge of interacting with the waitress and paying the bill.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as Betty and Rita grapple with the mystery of the car accident and Rita's memory loss. The tension is heightened by the suspicious behavior of Diane and the potential dangers they may face in their search for the truth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no significant obstacle or conflict, the actions of the waitress and Rita's realization create a sense of opposition and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in this scene are relatively high as Betty and Rita search for information about the car accident and Rita's memory loss. The potential dangers they may face in their pursuit of the truth add tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new clues and raising questions about the car accident and Rita's memory loss. The discovery of the nameplate and the suspicious behavior of Diane add intrigue and propel the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious element with Rita's sudden realization and the actions of the waitress. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity and tension in the audience as they are drawn into the mystery surrounding Rita's memory loss and the car accident. The emotional impact is heightened by the discovery of the nameplate and the suspicious behavior of Diane.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in this scene is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the mystery. Betty's curiosity and Rita's confusion are effectively conveyed through their conversation. The interaction between Betty and Diane also adds tension and intrigue to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates tension and intrigue through the characters' actions and dialogue. The audience is drawn into the mystery of what Rita remembers and the subtle interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and intrigue through the characters' actions and dialogue. The scene progresses at a steady pace, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Betty and Rita seated at a table in Denny's, drinking coffee. The dialogue between them is minimal and lacks depth, making the scene feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The interaction between Betty and Rita is also lacking in tension and conflict, which could add more intrigue and engagement to the scene.
  • The introduction of Diane, the waitress, and the focus on her nameplate feels forced and out of place. It doesn't contribute much to the overall story or character development.
  • The conversation between Diane, the manager, and the woman in the blue dress is unclear and lacks context. It's not clear why Betty is watching them or why Diane is being suspected of something.
  • The revelation that Rita remembers something is a significant moment, but it is not given enough weight or impact in the scene. It feels rushed and doesn't create a strong emotional response.
  • Overall, the scene lacks tension, depth, and clear storytelling. It needs more conflict, character development, and emotional resonance to engage the audience.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict and tension between Betty and Rita. They could have differing opinions or goals regarding the car crash and their investigation, which could create more dramatic moments.
  • Develop the conversation between Diane, the manager, and the woman in the blue dress to provide more context and clarity. This will help the audience understand the significance of their interaction.
  • Give Rita's revelation more impact by building up to it and creating a sense of anticipation. This could be done through visual cues, dialogue, or internal thoughts and emotions.
  • Consider adding more depth to the dialogue between Betty and Rita. Explore their relationship, fears, and motivations to make the scene more engaging and meaningful.
  • Reevaluate the purpose of the scene within the overall story. Make sure it serves a clear narrative purpose and contributes to character development or plot progression.



Scene 20 -  The Search for Diane Selwyn
EXT. - HAVENHURST - DAY

Betty and Rita are walking back to the apartment. We see
them from a distance. They are talking and gesturing in an
excited and animated way. Just after they enter through the
iron gates of 1612 Havenhurst and are out of sight we notice
a car moving slowly up Havenhurst toward us. We notice two
men in the front seat who seem to be looking around for
something.

CUT TO:

INT. - AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - DAY

The door slams shut. Rita grabs Betty's shoulders.


RITA
Diane Selwyn. Maybe it's my name.

CUT TO:

AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Betty and Rita are sitting next to each other on the leather
couch. Betty is rifling through the phone book. She finds
the listings for Selwyn. Her finger drifts down and finds D.
Selwyn followed by an address and phone number. It is the
only Selwyn with a D. first name. She hands the phone to
Rita.

BETTY
Strange to be calling yourself.

RITA
Maybe it's not me.

BETTY
Call the number.

Betty reads the number off and Rita pushes the corresponding
buttons. Each tone seems to be louder than the last. The
ringing seems deafening. There's a click and the phone is
answered - by a machine. A woman's voice is heard - loudly.

WOMAN'S VOICE
(coming from answering machine)
Hi ... this is me. Leave me a message.

Betty now has her ear pressed up against the phone also -
straining to hear everything. The machine starts recording.
Betty hangs up the phone immediately.

RITA
It's not my voice ... but I know her.

BETTY
Maybe the voice isn't Diane Selwyn.
Maybe that's your roommate or if it is
Diane Selwyn she can tell you who you
are.

RITA
Maybe...maybe ... maybe.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Betty and Rita return home, unaware of the suspicious car watching them. Inside, Rita suspects that Diane Selwyn might be her real name. They find a matching phone number and address in the phone book, but when Rita calls, she hears a familiar voice on the answering machine. Betty abruptly ends the call, leaving Rita uncertain about the voice and her true identity.
Strengths
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Tension and suspense
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact
  • Some confusion in the dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and curiosity through the discovery of Diane Selwyn's name and the phone call. The dialogue and interactions between Betty and Rita create a sense of confusion and concern, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring identity and memory loss is intriguing and adds depth to the overall story. The discovery of Diane Selwyn's name adds a layer of mystery and raises questions about Rita's true identity.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Betty and Rita search for clues about Rita's identity. The discovery of Diane Selwyn's name adds a new element to the story and raises the stakes.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique approach to uncovering the truth and exploring the concept of identity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall mystery and intrigue of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Betty is curious and chatty, while Rita is withdrawn and standoffish. Their contrasting personalities create tension and intrigue. Rita's memory loss and Betty's determination to help her add depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 6

Rita experiences a small change as she starts to remember the name Diane Selwyn and realizes it may be connected to her identity. This change adds depth to her character and raises questions about her past.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to discover the identity of Diane Selwyn and potentially uncover the truth about Rita's own identity. This reflects their deeper need for answers and their fear of not knowing who they truly are.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Diane Selwyn's contact information and potentially reach out to her. This reflects the immediate challenge of uncovering the truth and finding a connection to Rita's past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between Betty's curiosity and Rita's reluctance to uncover her true identity. The discovery of Diane Selwyn's name adds a new layer of conflict and raises the stakes.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong, as the characters are mainly focused on their own investigation and discovery. However, the unknown nature of their identities creates a sense of uncertainty and potential obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised with the discovery of Diane Selwyn's name, as it suggests a deeper connection between Rita and the mysterious events surrounding her. The audience is left with a sense of anticipation and curiosity.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mystery of Diane Selwyn and raising questions about Rita's true identity. It adds a new layer of intrigue and sets up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information and raises questions about the characters' identities and connections. The audience is left wondering about the truth and what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in the importance of identity and the unknown nature of their own identity. This challenges their worldview and raises questions about the nature of self and personal truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of confusion and concern, but the emotional impact is not as strong as in other scenes. The audience is left with a desire to uncover the truth about Rita's identity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the confusion and curiosity of the characters. The conversation about Diane Selwyn and the phone call add tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it raises questions and creates suspense through the characters' search for answers. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The moments of discovery and revelation are balanced with moments of reflection and contemplation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The dialogue is properly formatted with character names and dialogue tags.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise scene descriptions. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and moments.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Betty and Rita walking back to the apartment in an excited and animated way. However, it is not clear what they are excited about or what they have been discussing. This lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The introduction of the car with two men in the front seat searching for something creates a sense of tension and mystery. However, it is not clear why they are looking for Betty and Rita or what their intentions are. This lack of clarity leaves the audience confused and disconnected from the scene.
  • The transition from the exterior of Havenhurst to Aunt Ruth's apartment is abrupt and lacks smooth continuity. It would be helpful to include a transition shot or a brief establishing shot to clearly indicate the change in location.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Rita about Diane Selwyn and the phone number is intriguing and raises questions about Rita's identity. However, the dialogue feels rushed and could benefit from more exploration and depth.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Rita exclaiming that she remembers something. This cliffhanger ending leaves the audience wanting more information and resolution.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and exposition at the beginning of the scene to help the audience understand why Betty and Rita are excited and what they have been discussing.
  • Clarify the purpose and intentions of the two men in the car to create a stronger sense of tension and mystery.
  • Smoothly transition from the exterior of Havenhurst to Aunt Ruth's apartment with a clear establishing shot or transition shot.
  • Expand the dialogue between Betty and Rita to provide more depth and exploration of Rita's identity and her connection to Diane Selwyn.
  • Consider adding a resolution or further development to the scene to provide a sense of closure and satisfy the audience's curiosity.



Scene 21 -  Unwelcome Visitor
EXT. - ADAM'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Taka is bowing and smiling and nodding to someone we don't
see.

TAKA'S POV - A man, KENNY, in a sharp black suit is walking
down the driveway past Gene the Poolman's truck to the front
door of Adam's house. Parked at the street is a big limo
with Vincenzo and Luigi Castigliane sitting in the back.

Kenny knocks on Adam's front door. Lorraine answers.
Lorraine's hands are covered with pink paint. Pink paint is
on her face and clothes.

KENNY
Adam Kesher...he...

LORRAINE
Yeah, right ... get lost!

She slams the door, but Kenny's foot stops it and pushes it
back with a force that shakes the wall as the door slams open
once again. Kenny enters the house.

KENNY
This is Adam Kesher's house. Where...

LORRAINE
Like hell it is! Get out ... NOW!!!

Gene comes out of the kitchen fast, his hands covered with
pink paint.

GENE
I guess you don't understand English.
She asked to leave. Here's the door.

Gene grabs hold of Kenny and starts to push him out the door.
Kenny rabbit punches Gene in the nose with lightning speed -
his fist like a sledgehammer. Gene goes down. Lorraine
shrieks and leaps on Kenny. Her long fingernails going for
his eyes. Kenny slaps Lorraine hard. The shriek stops
instantly and she falls out cold on the carpet. Gene is back
up and going for Kenny. Kenny gets three punches in on Gene's
head before Gene hits the ground unconscious. Kenny rubs some
pink paint off his hands and tries to get a pink stain off
his jacket. He begins walking around the house calling out
for Adam. He sees nothing and hears nothing. He goes back to
the front door and sees Adam's golf clubs sitting there.
Kenny begins snapping the shaft of each club. As he snaps
each club we see Lorraine and Gene remain out cold on the
floor.


And in the kitchen we see that the tap is on and the sink
water is now overflowing from the sink and jewelry box -
spilling out onto the kitchen floor. Finishing his work with
the vintage golf clubs - Kenny leaves.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary A mysterious man named Kenny arrives at Adam's house and forces his way inside. Despite resistance from Adam's wife, Lorraine, and the poolman, Gene, Kenny knocks them both unconscious. He then searches the house for Adam and his golf clubs. As he leaves, the kitchen sink starts to overflow.
Strengths
  • Building suspense and tension
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension through the interactions between Betty and Rita, as well as the escalating conflict between Joe, Ed, and the other characters. The introduction of the Castigliane brothers adds another layer of intrigue and raises the stakes for Adam. The scene also sets up multiple plot threads and leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious woman with amnesia and the investigation into her identity is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged. The scene also introduces elements of crime and conspiracy, adding depth to the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward by revealing important information about Rita's memory loss and the potential connection to Diane Selwyn. The conflict between Joe, Ed, and the other characters adds tension and raises the stakes for Adam.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a confrontation at someone's house is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their interactions drive the story forward. Betty's curiosity and concern for Rita, Rita's confusion and vulnerability, and Adam's frustration and anger all contribute to the overall tension and conflict.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the events and interactions set up potential character arcs for Betty, Rita, and Adam. Betty's curiosity and determination to help Rita may lead to her becoming more involved in the mystery. Rita's memory loss and vulnerability create opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Adam's confrontation with Lorraine and Gene hints at a potential transformation in his personal and professional life.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Kenny's goal is to find Adam Kesher and confront him. This reflects Kenny's deeper need for answers or resolution regarding Adam's actions or involvement in a certain situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Adam Kesher and deliver a message or confront him. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of Kenny's presence at Adam's house and his desire to communicate with him.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and escalates as Joe kills Ed and encounters the heavyset woman. The power outage caused by the vacuum cleaner adds another layer of tension. The conflict between Adam and the Castigliane brothers raises the stakes and sets up future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Kenny faces resistance from Lorraine and Gene. The audience is unsure of how Kenny will overcome this opposition and achieve his goals.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Rita's memory loss and the potential connection to Diane Selwyn raise questions about her safety and the larger conspiracy surrounding her. The conflict between Joe, Ed, and the other characters also adds a sense of danger and unpredictability.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about Rita's memory loss, the potential connection to Diane Selwyn, and the escalating conflict between Joe, Ed, and the other characters. The introduction of the Castigliane brothers also sets up future conflicts and raises the stakes for Adam.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the reader or viewer does not know how the confrontation between Kenny and Adam will unfold. The actions of the characters are unexpected and keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from curiosity and concern for Rita's well-being to anger and frustration in Adam's confrontation with Lorraine and Gene. The discovery of the large sum of money and the mysterious blue key in Rita's purse adds intrigue and raises questions about her past.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. Betty's chatty and curious nature contrasts with Rita's withdrawn and standoffish demeanor, creating an interesting dynamic. The dialogue between Adam and Cynthia also reveals the impact of the events on Adam's personal and professional life.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict and builds tension through the characters' actions and dialogue. The reader or viewer is drawn into the scene and wants to know what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and dialogue creates a sense of urgency and keeps the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their actions, and concludes with a cut to the next scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose. It seems to be a random encounter between Taka, Kenny, Lorraine, and Gene without any clear connection to the main storyline.
  • The dialogue is weak and lacks depth. The characters' interactions feel forced and unrealistic.
  • The actions of the characters are not well motivated or explained. It is unclear why Kenny is looking for Adam or why Lorraine and Gene react so aggressively towards him.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There is no clear goal or obstacle for the characters to overcome.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the pink paint and overflowing sink, feel disconnected and do not contribute to the overall story.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and how it connects to the main storyline. Make sure the scene has a clear goal and conflict.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and make their actions more believable and consistent with their personalities.
  • Improve the dialogue to make it more engaging and realistic. Add depth and subtext to the conversations.
  • Consider adding more tension and suspense to the scene to keep the audience engaged.
  • Reevaluate the visual elements of the scene and make sure they contribute to the overall story and themes.
  • Ensure that the scene advances the plot or develops the characters in a meaningful way.



Scene 22 -  Unveiling Mysterious Visitors
EXT. - ADAM'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Kenny jumps into the front seat of the limo. Vincenzo and
Luigi nod to the driver and they take off.

Taka hoes some weeds beneath a Jacaranda.

CUT TO:

L.A. AERIAL SHOT HIGH ANGLE - NIGHT

Night descends on Los Angeles. Millions of lights down below
twinkle like stars.

CUT TO:

EXT. 1612 HAVENHURST - NIGHT

We see the courtyard at night. Some of the apartment windows
have dim, warm lights. Most all is in darkness. The only
sound is the water flowing in the fountain with muted distant
traffic. Far away a siren wails softly.

CUT TO:

INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Betty and Rita are on their hands and knees around the coffee
table. A map of L.A. is unfolded and Betty is running her
finger along a street. Her finger stops.

BETTY
It's right about here on Sierra Bonita.
That's not too far away.
CUT TO:

EXT. COURTYARD - SIMULTANEOUS

An older, beautiful woman - drunk, is walking slowly -
strangely toward the door of Aunt Ruth's apartment.

CUT TO:


INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - SIMULTANEOUS

BETTY
What's wrong with that?

RITA
I'm not sure about this.

BETTY
I know you're afraid of something. We'll
be careful. Tomorrow we'll go over there
and we'll find out.

CUT TO:

EXT. 1612 HAVENHURST COURTYARD - NIGHT

The woman moves up to the door we see her face. Her eyes have
the eerie look of one possessed. She knocks mechanically on
the door.

CUT TO:

INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT

Betty and Rita both turn with alarm. Betty gets up, stares
at the door, then at Rita. Rita waits, not knowing what to
do.

BETTY
It'll be okay.

Betty opens the door. Betty finds the face of the actress,
LOUISE BONNER, staring questioningly at her.

BETTY (cont'd)
Yes? May I help you?

LOUISE
Where is Ruth?
BETTY
Ruth's gone on a film. I'm her niece
Betty. Who are you?

LOUISE
Someone is in trouble. Who are you? Why
are you in Ruth's apartment?


BETTY
I'm her niece. She's letting me stay
here. My name is Betty.

LOUISE
No it isn't. That's not it. That's not
what she said. Something bad's happening.
Where's Ruth?

BETTY
I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are
and I'm...

COCO
Louise... what're are you doing Louise?

Louise turns and sees Coco approaching across the courtyard.

LOUISE
Where have you been Coco? God, I've been
trying to find you all afternoon since
3:00 o'clock. That one is in my room and
she won't leave. I want you to get her
out. I want you to get her out now.

Coco comes up and grabs hold of Louise. She turns over to
Betty.

COCO
This is Louise Bonner. I'm sure she
meant well.
(looking over to Louise)
This is Betty, Ruth's niece. In fact and
fortunately I was just coming to see
Betty. Betty's a young actress and I'm
delivering faxed pages of a scene for her
audition tomorrow. Here they are honey.
Now come along Louise and I'll take you
home.
(back to Betty)
Sorry about this. Sometimes it happens.

LOUISE
No, she said it was someone else in
trouble.

COCO
Stop it, Louise. Let's get you
home ... goodnight Betty.

Coco takes Louise back through the darkness of the courtyard.
Betty closes the door and turns.


BETTY
Whoa!

She catches Rita's look. Rita is staring at her, horrified.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Kenny departs in a limo while Taka tends to his garden. As night falls over Los Angeles, Betty and Rita consult a map in the courtyard. An elderly woman, Louise Bonner, arrives seeking Ruth. Betty is taken aback by Louise's distressed demeanor and claims of trouble, which Coco later dismisses. However, Louise remains anxious, leaving Betty and Rita bewildered.
Strengths
  • Building suspense and intrigue
  • Effective use of dialogue to convey tension
  • Introduction of a mysterious character
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue through the introduction of the mysterious woman and her cryptic behavior. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of tension and confusion, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a mysterious woman appearing at the protagonist's apartment adds an element of mystery and suspense to the story. It raises questions about the protagonist's connection to the woman and sets up a potential conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the encounter between the protagonist and the mysterious woman. It introduces a new conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's past and the nature of the mystery.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the locations and situations are familiar, the specific details and the way they are presented add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the suspense and mystery. The protagonist's curiosity and the mysterious woman's cryptic behavior create intrigue.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist's curiosity and determination to uncover the truth about the mysterious woman drives the scene, but there is no significant character change in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out what is happening and to ensure the safety of Aunt Ruth. This reflects their deeper need for security and protection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the strange woman knocking on Aunt Ruth's door and to understand her connection to Ruth. This reflects the immediate challenge of unraveling the mystery and potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the protagonist's encounter with the mysterious woman and their conflicting goals and motives. It creates tension and raises questions about the protagonist's past and the mystery surrounding the woman.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The appearance of the possessed woman and her strange behavior creates a small obstacle for the protagonist, adding uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are relatively high as the protagonist's quest for answers and the mystery surrounding the woman have the potential to impact the overall story and the protagonist's life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising questions about the protagonist's past and the mystery surrounding the woman. It adds depth and intrigue to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the appearance of the possessed woman and her strange behavior adds an unexpected element to the story. The audience is left wondering about her connection to Aunt Ruth and the potential danger she poses.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and intrigue in the audience, but does not elicit strong emotional responses. The focus is more on building suspense and mystery.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is concise and serves to advance the plot and reveal information about the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and confusion felt by the protagonist and the mysterious woman.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious situation and raises questions that make the audience curious to know more. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding events create suspense and hold the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The transitions between different locations and the concise dialogue maintain a steady rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively transitions between different locations and maintains a clear focus on the unfolding mystery.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose. It seems to be setting up tension and mystery with the arrival of Louise Bonner, but it doesn't go anywhere or resolve any conflicts.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Rita feels forced and unnatural. Their reactions to Louise's arrival are not well-developed and don't seem to align with their characters' motivations.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that would help create a sense of atmosphere and tension. The setting of the courtyard and the apartment could be better utilized to enhance the mood of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and doesn't build any suspense or excitement. It feels stagnant and doesn't engage the reader or viewer.
  • The conflict between Louise and Betty is introduced but not explored or resolved. It feels like a missed opportunity to create tension and intrigue.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and what you want to achieve with it. Is it to introduce Louise Bonner as a potential source of information or conflict? Is it to deepen the mystery surrounding Rita's identity? Once you have a clear goal, you can better structure the scene to achieve it.
  • Develop the characters' reactions and motivations more fully. Why is Betty so quick to trust Louise and dismiss Rita's concerns? Why is Rita so afraid of Louise? Explore these dynamics and create more depth in the characters' interactions.
  • Add more visual descriptions to create a sense of atmosphere and tension. Describe the lighting in the courtyard, the sound of the water in the fountain, and the eerie look in Louise's eyes. Use these details to enhance the mood and engage the reader or viewer.
  • Consider tightening the pacing of the scene to create more suspense and excitement. Cut unnecessary dialogue and focus on the key moments of conflict and tension. Use shorter, more impactful sentences to build momentum.
  • Resolve the conflict between Louise and Betty or introduce a new conflict that drives the scene forward. This will create a sense of resolution and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 23 -  Financial Quandary
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL - NIGHT

Establish

INT. BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROOM 214

A Hotel Manager is walking toward the door of room 214. He
knocks softly on the door. The door opens and Adam Kesher is
standing there - still beaten looking with remnants of pink
paint.

ADAM
Yes...what is it?

HOTEL MANAGER
I'm sorry Mr. Kesher, but there seems to
be some problem concerning your credit
card.

ADAM
... What??

HOTEL MANAGER
The fact is Mr. Kesher a representative
of your bank called us.

ADAM
How... how'd they know I was here?

HOTEL MANAGER
I don't know. All we do is take an
impression of the credit card and until
you check out it just sits in our files.
ADAM
So, what did they say?

HOTEL MANAGER
Well, Sir, I'm afraid they said you're
overdrawn at your bank and your line of
credit has been cancelled.

ADAM
Unbelievable. Look... here.
(Adam taking out his wallet.)
I don't know what's going on.
That's so much baloney. I've got enough
cash for one night, okay?

HOTEL MANAGER
That's fine, Mr. Kesher. You can pay
cash when you check out. I'm sorry. it
was my duty to inform you.

ADAM
Fine. I'll check out in the morning.

HOTEL MANAGER
Have a good evening, Mr. Kesher.

The Hotel Manager turns to leave and Adam closes the door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Confronted by a hotel manager, Adam's financial struggles become apparent. Despite his insistence, his credit card is declined due to overdraft and a frozen line of credit. Adam argues he has cash for one night, and the manager reluctantly allows it, leaving Adam alone to grapple with his financial woes.
Strengths
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Compelling conflicts
  • Intriguing plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a tense and mysterious atmosphere, introduces compelling conflicts, and leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of unraveling a complex mystery and exploring the consequences of the protagonist's actions is intriguing and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of unexpected events and conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situation of a character facing financial troubles in a luxury hotel is a familiar one in storytelling. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable, but there are no unique or fresh approaches to the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with distinct personalities and motivations, adding depth to the story and creating potential for character development.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the events and conflicts set the stage for potential character development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and hide his financial troubles. This reflects his deeper need for control, fear of losing his status, and desire to project success and wealth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to resolve the issue with his credit card and ensure that he can continue staying at the hotel. This reflects the immediate circumstance of his financial troubles and the challenge of maintaining his luxurious lifestyle.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflicts between Adam and the Castigliane brothers, as well as the physical altercation between Adam, Lorraine, and Gene, create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The Hotel Manager presents a small obstacle to the protagonist's external goal of resolving the credit card issue, but it is not a significant challenge that the audience is unsure of how it will go.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Adam as he faces the potential loss of his film and the unraveling of his personal life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new conflicts and mysteries, advancing the overall story and leaving the audience eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience does not know how the protagonist will resolve his financial troubles or what consequences he may face. However, the overall outcome is still within the realm of expectations for this type of story.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of confusion, anger, and intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, and contributes to the overall suspense and mystery of the scene.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's financial situation. The dialogue between the Hotel Manager and the protagonist creates tension and keeps the audience interested in how the situation will be resolved.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the protagonist's growing frustration and anxiety. The dialogue and narrative description flow smoothly, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the scene moving.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by an interior scene with dialogue between characters. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end, with a conflict introduced and resolved.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a clear establishment of the location, the Beverly Hills Hotel, which helps set the tone and atmosphere.
  • The dialogue between the Hotel Manager and Adam Kesher is straightforward and serves the purpose of conveying the problem with Adam's credit card.
  • However, the scene lacks tension and conflict. The Hotel Manager delivers the news about Adam's credit card issue, but there is no real sense of urgency or stakes involved.
  • Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit repetitive, with Adam asking the same question twice ('How... how'd they know I was here?' and 'So, what did they say?'). This could be condensed to make the conversation more concise.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling. For example, showing Adam's reaction to the news through his facial expressions or body language would add depth to the scene.
  • The transition at the end of the scene is abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of what is happening next or a visual cue to guide the reader's understanding.
  • Overall, the scene lacks tension, conflict, and visual storytelling, which could be improved to make it more engaging and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a sense of urgency or higher stakes in the scene. For example, the Hotel Manager could mention that Adam's reservation will be canceled if the credit card issue is not resolved.
  • Condense the dialogue to make it more concise and avoid repetition.
  • Add visual elements to enhance the storytelling. Show Adam's reaction to the news through his facial expressions or body language.
  • Consider adding a visual cue or clearer indication of what is happening next at the end of the scene to improve the transition.



Scene 24 -  Adam's Financial Crisis
INT. ROOM 214 - NIGHT

Adam crosses the room to the phone and dials a number. The
phone is answered.

ADAM
Someone's shut off my money!

CYNTHIA
I know. Where are you Adam?

ADAM
What do you mean "you know"?

CYNTHIA
Someone called me. When they couldn't
get you they told me you were as good as
broke. I didn't believe then, so I made
some calls.

ADAM
And?
CYNTHIA
You're broke!

ADAM
But I'm not broke.

CYNTHIA
I know, but you're broke. Where are you?

ADAM
Beverly Hills Hotel. I've got enough
cash in my pocket for one night.


CYNTHIA
Do you know somebody called the The
Cowboy?

ADAM
The Cowboy??

CYNTHIA
Yeah, the Cowboy. This guy, the Cowboy,
wants to see you. Jason said he thought
it would be a good idea.

ADAM
Oh, Jason thought it would be a good idea
for me to meet the Cowboy. Should I wear
my ten gallon hat and my six shooters?

CYNTHIA
Something tells me this guy is connected
with what's happening, Adam, and I think
you should do it and I think you should
do it right away.

ADAM
Cynthia...what's going on?

CYNTHIA
It's been a very strange day.

ADAM
And getting stranger. Where do I meet
this Cowboy? I mean do I have to ride
out to the range?

CYNTHIA
Sort of, funny boy. If I tell him the
meeting's on you're to go to the top of
Beachwood Canyon. There's a corral up
there where he'll be.

ADAM
You gotta be kidding?

CYNTHIA
Will you meet with him?

ADAM
Yeah, sure. It is that kind of a day.
When?

CYNTHIA
I'll call him, then call you back...If
you want you could stay at my place.


ADAM
Cynthia... that would not be a good idea.

CYNTHIA
I'm just offering a place to stay.

ADAM
I understand, Cynthia and thank you for
the offer. I'll find a place. Now go
ahead and give the Cowboy a yodel and get
back to me.

CYNTHIA
Okay, but you don't know what you're
missing.

ADAM
Git along little dowgie and call me back.

Adam hangs up and seems to sag, cupping his forehead and eyes
with his hand.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Adam, in a panic, calls Cynthia to report that his money has been cut off. Cynthia reveals she has received calls that Adam is broke, which he initially denies. She insists he is and suggests he meet with "The Cowboy," who may be connected to the situation. Adam reluctantly agrees to the meeting, which is scheduled to take place at a corral in Beachwood Canyon.
Strengths
  • Building suspense and intrigue
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of a mysterious character
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery through the phone conversation between Adam and Cynthia, the mention of The Cowboy, and the unexpected turn of events with Adam's financial situation.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of introducing a mysterious character and setting up a meeting adds intrigue and raises questions about the larger plot.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Adam's financial situation takes a turn, leading to the introduction of The Cowboy and the anticipation of their meeting.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist facing financial troubles is familiar, the inclusion of the mysterious character known as the Cowboy adds a fresh and intriguing element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in this scene, particularly Adam and Cynthia, contribute to the suspense and mystery through their dialogue and actions.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily serves to set up future events.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is happening with his money and to figure out the truth behind the situation. This reflects his deeper need for financial stability and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to meet with the Cowboy and find out more information about his financial situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and his desire to resolve it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in this scene, primarily between Adam and his financial troubles, as well as the anticipation of the meeting with The Cowboy.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist is facing financial troubles and the mysterious Cowboy character adds a layer of opposition and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the protagonist will navigate this challenge.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised in this scene with the revelation of Adam's financial troubles and the anticipation of the meeting with The Cowboy.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing The Cowboy and setting up a meeting between him and Adam, which adds to the overall mystery and suspense.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the introduction of the Cowboy character adds a new and unexpected element to the story. The audience is left wondering who this character is and how they will impact the protagonist's situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact in this scene is relatively low, as the focus is more on building suspense and intrigue.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and helps to build tension and intrigue, especially in the conversation between Adam and Cynthia about The Cowboy.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the protagonist's financial situation. The snappy dialogue and the protagonist's wit also add to the engagement level.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective because it moves quickly, with snappy dialogue and minimal description. This helps to maintain the tension and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear establishing shot and then moves into a series of back-and-forth dialogue between the characters. The scene ends with a cut to a new location.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is a bit repetitive and could be tightened up to make it more concise and impactful.
  • There is a lack of emotion and urgency in the characters' reactions to the news of Adam's financial situation.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and actions to enhance the overall storytelling.
  • The conversation between Adam and Cynthia feels a bit forced and could use more natural and authentic dialogue.
  • The scene could be more visually engaging by incorporating camera angles and movements to create a sense of tension and unease.
Suggestions
  • Consider condensing the dialogue to eliminate unnecessary repetition and make the conversation more dynamic.
  • Add more emotional depth to the characters' reactions to the news, emphasizing their desperation and fear.
  • Include more visual descriptions and actions to enhance the scene and create a stronger visual impact.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, reflecting the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Experiment with camera angles and movements to create a sense of tension and unease, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 25 -  The Cowboy's Advice
EXT. BEACHWOOD CANYON - NIGHT

Adam, in his Porsche, makes his way up the canyon.

INT. PORSCHE

Adam feeling like a fool drives up the dark, winding canyon
road. As he nears the top of the canyon the residential area
gives way to desert brush. The road winds steeply up to a
dark dead end where an old barn and stable sit. Adam parks in
a little dirt lot and walk up past the barn to the corral.
His eyes grow accustomed to the dark and he.looks about. No
one is around. There's only a light wind and a few twinkling
stars in the sky above. Suddenly some bare bulbs hanging from
the corral gate flare up. Adam hears a noise in the
brightness and turns. There walking toward him into the light
is the Cowboy - dressed in clean blue denim jeans, well-oiled
unscuffed, beautifully engraved cowboy boots, a red
embroidered ivory buttoned cowboy shirt complete with string
tie. Atop the Cowboy's head is a 10 X white Stetson. The
Cowboy is smiling warmly as he approaches. He stops in front
of Adam and begins to speak with a true, slow Western drawl.

COWBOY
Howdy!

ADAM
Howdy to you.


COWBOY
Beautiful night.

ADAM
Yeah.

COWBOY
Sure want to thank ya for drivin' all the
way up to see me from that Beverly Hills
Hotel.

ADAM
No problem. What's on your mind?

COWBOY
Well now, here's a man who wants to get
right to it. Kinda anxious to get to it
are ya?

ADAM
Whatever.

COWBOY
A man's attitude ... a man's attitude goes
some ways toward how a man's life will
be. Is that somethin' you agree with?

ADAM
Sure.

COWBOY
Now... did you answer cause you thought
that's what I wanted to hear or did you
think about what I said and answer cause
you truly believe that to be right?

ADAM
I agree with what you said...truly.

COWBOY
What did I say?

ADAM
That a man's attitude determines to a
large extent how his life will be.

COWBOY
So since you agree I guess you could be a
person who does not care about the good
life.

ADAM
How's that?


COWBOY
Well, just stop for a little second and
think about it. Will ya do that for me?

ADAM
Okay, I'm thinking.

COWBOY
No. You're too busy being a smart aleck
to be thinkin'. Now I want ya to think
and quit bein' such a smart aleck. Can ya
do that for me?

ADAM
Look ... where's this going? What do you
want me to do?

COWBOY
There's sometimes a buggy. How many
drivers does a buggy have?

ADAM
One.

COWBOY
So let's just say I'm drivin' this buggy
and you fix your attitude and you can
ride along with me.
ADAM
Okay.

COWBOY
Now I know a few things. I know you have
had a rough day. You're probably thinkin'
I don't know the half of it, but in
actual fact I know every part of it. The
business of gittin' thrown off your
movie, the heartache of seeing your wife
with another man... losin' access to that
precious film vault...

Adam suddenly looks stunned, unsure.

COWBOY (cont'd)
... realizin' you don't have hardly a
nickel to your name and then add on to
that the sickenin' feeling some men are
gonna catch you and hurt you bad for
bustin' their vehicle. Some days are like
that. They are rough, but what will
tomorrow bring? Will it be better than
today? The same ... or worse?
A lot of that is up to us individually.
Up to us and our attitude. When the
Castigliane brothers said "This is no
longer your film," they meant it, but
they didn't mean you were not going to
direct it. I want you to go back to work
tomorrow. You were re-casting the lead
actress anyway ... audition many girls for
the part. When you see the girl that was
shown to you earlier today, you will say
" This is the girl." The rest of the
cast can stay- that is up to you, but
that lead girl is not up to you. Now,
you will see me one more time if you do
good. You will see me two more times if
you do bad. Good night.

The Cowboy turns and walks until he is engulfed in darkness.
Through the darkness Adam hears the sound of a car door
opening and closing, then another opening and closing and
then the sound of the car driving away. Adam walks up in the
direction the Cowboy took, but he sees no sign of a car nor
any dust nor any road. He goes back down past the barn and
stables to his car. There standing by his Porsche is the
Cowboy.

COWBOY (cont'd)
You thinkin' this'll work out, cause I
was thinkin' it just might.

ADAM
It will work out.

COWBOY
Good then, but, just in case, that bank's
gonna stay closed a bit longer. You
understand that?

ADAM
I understand.

COWBOY
You're an understandin' fella.

ADAM
So, this is the last time I see you then
unless I do bad?

COWBOY
No, this one doesn't count. It's part of
the original one. So then ... until we meet
again.

ADAM
Okay.

Adam gets in his car and drives off leaving the Cowboy
smiling behind him.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a deserted canyon, Adam seeks guidance from the enigmatic Cowboy. Despite Adam's troubles, the Cowboy assures him of a brighter future if he maintains a positive outlook. The Cowboy urges Adam to return to work, recast his film's lead actress, and accept the extended closure of the bank. He warns of future encounters based on Adam's actions, leaving Adam hopeful and resolved to make amends.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Suspenseful tone
  • Unexpected plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for some supporting characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its suspenseful tone, mysterious characters, and unexpected plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a Cowboy character delivering a cryptic message to the protagonist adds intrigue and mystery to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience guessing and eager to know what will happen next.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through the unique setting of the canyon road and the presence of the enigmatic Cowboy. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions create tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the encounter with the Cowboy prompts Adam to reconsider his attitude and approach to his current situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the Cowboy's message and advice, and to potentially change his attitude and outlook on life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive guidance and direction from the Cowboy on how to handle his current challenges and improve his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, which adds to the suspense and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the Cowboy challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, creating a sense of conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high for Adam, as he is facing financial ruin and potential harm from unknown individuals.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, raising questions, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the Cowboy's intentions and the outcome of the protagonist's choices are uncertain.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

Yes, there is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene. The Cowboy challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values by emphasizing the importance of attitude and individual responsibility in shaping one's life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, curiosity, and anticipation.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is intense and thought-provoking, adding depth to the scene and revealing important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious character, presents a philosophical conflict, and leaves the audience curious about the protagonist's future actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and intrigue through the Cowboy's dialogue and the protagonist's reactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Adam driving up the canyon, but there is no clear reason or motivation given for why he is going to meet the Cowboy. It would be helpful to establish this earlier in the script.
  • The dialogue between Adam and the Cowboy is somewhat vague and abstract, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand the significance of their conversation.
  • The Cowboy's dialogue is filled with philosophical statements and questions, but it is not clear how these relate to Adam's current situation or what the Cowboy is trying to convey.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, which makes it feel somewhat aimless and unengaging.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are minimal, which makes it difficult to visualize the setting and the characters' actions.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Adam driving away, leaving the audience with a sense of confusion and uncertainty.
Suggestions
  • Establish a clear reason or motivation for why Adam is going to meet the Cowboy. This will help to create a stronger sense of purpose and direction in the scene.
  • Refine the dialogue between Adam and the Cowboy to make it more specific and concrete. This will help to clarify the meaning and significance of their conversation.
  • Provide more context and explanation for the Cowboy's philosophical statements and questions. This will help the audience to better understand their relevance to Adam's situation.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or tension in the scene to create a sense of drama and engagement. This could be done through the Cowboy challenging Adam's beliefs or presenting him with a difficult choice.
  • Include more visual descriptions to help the audience visualize the setting and the characters' actions. This will enhance the overall cinematic experience of the scene.
  • Consider adding a resolution or conclusion to the scene, rather than ending it abruptly. This will provide a sense of closure and satisfaction for the audience.



Scene 26 -  Sisterly Conflict: Rita and
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - MORNING

We see the rays of the rising sun falling on the huge letters
of the HOLLYWOOD SIGN and the hills surrounding it.

CUT TO:

INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT. - MORNING

We see Rita's face as we hear Betty off screen.

BETTY
"You're still here?"

RITA
"I came back. I thought that's what you
wanted."

We see Betty.
BETTY
(angrily)
"Nobody wants you here!"

Moving back we realize that the girls are acting out Betty's
audition scene. Rita is reading her lines.

RITA
"Really?"

BETTY
"My parents are right upstairs! They
think you've left..."

RITA
"So... surprise"...

BETTY
"I can call them... I can call my dad... "

RITA
"But you won't..."


BETTY
"You're playing a dangerous game here.
If you're trying to blackmail me... it's
not going to work."

RITA
"You know what I want...it's not that
difficult."

BETTY
(furious)
"Get out! Get out before I call my
dad ... he trusts you ... your his best
friend. This will be the end of
everything... "

RITA
"What about you? What will your dad
think about you?"

BETTY
"Stop! Just Stop! That's what you said
from the beginning. If I tell what
happened... they'll arrest you and put you
in jail, so get out of here before..."

RITA
"Before what?"

Betty pulls a table knife out from behind her back.

BETTY
"Before I kill you."

RITA
"Then they'd put you in jail."

Betty mimes with moving fingers tears flowing from her eyes.

BETTY
Cry, cry, cry, and then I say with big
emotion, "I hate you... I hate us both!"

Betty drops the kitchen knife and both girls start laughing.

BETTY (cont'd)
Such a lame scene.

RITA
But you are really good.

Betty mimes tapping a cigarette in a cigarette holder ala
Dietrich.


BETTY
Thank you dahling!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary As Rita and rehearse a dramatic scene, tensions escalate over a secret that Rita is using to manipulate her sister. The conflict reaches a peak when pulls a knife on Rita, threatening to kill her. However, Rita remains composed, and the moment of danger dissolves into laughter, as the girls realize the absurdity of the situation and the melodrama of the scene they are rehearsing.
Strengths
  • Strong performances
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally charged, with strong performances and compelling dialogue. It effectively builds tension and raises questions about the characters' motivations and pasts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the revelation of hidden secrets and the exploration of the characters' complex relationships. It introduces a potential mystery surrounding a car crash and sets up further intrigue.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is driven by the conflict between Betty and Rita, as well as the discovery of a potential connection to a car crash. It raises the stakes and propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to a familiar situation of friendship and conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 10

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Betty and Rita's dynamic is particularly compelling, with strong chemistry and conflicting emotions.

Character Changes: 8

Both Betty and Rita experience significant emotional changes in the scene. Betty's anger and frustration turn into vulnerability and empathy, while Rita's fear and confusion transform into determination and hope.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove herself to Betty and gain her acceptance. This reflects her deeper need for validation and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Betty to let her stay and continue their friendship. This reflects the immediate challenge of Betty's anger and rejection.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Betty and Rita is intense and emotionally charged, with high stakes and potential consequences. The scene also introduces external conflicts, such as the potential connection to a car crash.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with Betty's anger and rejection posing a significant obstacle for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters' relationships and futures are at risk. The potential connection to a car crash adds a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and raising questions about the characters' pasts and motivations. It sets up further intrigue and propels the narrative towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shift from intense conflict to comedic relief. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for acceptance and Betty's fear of betrayal. This challenges the protagonist's belief in the power of friendship and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions, including anger, fear, and hope. The performances and dialogue effectively convey the characters' emotional states and create a powerful impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' true feelings and adding depth to their interactions. It effectively conveys tension, anger, and vulnerability.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict and tension between the characters, as well as the humor and witty dialogue. The audience is drawn into the emotional dynamics of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of high intensity and comedic relief. This creates a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of the Hollywood sign and the surrounding hills, which sets the tone and atmosphere effectively.
  • The dialogue between Betty and Rita is intense and filled with conflict, which adds tension to the scene.
  • The use of the audition scene as a way for Betty and Rita to express their emotions and frustrations is an interesting choice.
  • The transition from the intense argument to laughter feels abrupt and somewhat forced. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer indication of the change in tone.
  • The dialogue feels melodramatic and unrealistic, especially when Betty pulls out a knife and threatens to kill Rita. This moment feels out of place and could be toned down or reworked to be more believable.
  • The scene ends with Betty and Rita laughing, but it's not clear what they find funny or if their laughter is genuine. This could be clarified to provide a stronger ending to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the scene.
  • Reevaluate the dialogue to make it more natural and believable, especially during the intense moments.
  • Find a smoother transition between the intense argument and the laughter to make the tonal shift more seamless.
  • Consider reworking the knife threat moment to make it more grounded and realistic.
  • Provide clearer context or cues for the laughter at the end of the scene to give it more meaning and impact.



Scene 27 -  An Awkward Visitor
INT. COCO'S APARTMENT - DAY

On the move Coco is just bringing her cigarette in its holder
up to her painted red lips. The phone is ringing and she's
crossing the room to answer it.

COCO
(into phone)
Hello ... Ruthie... How's the great up
north? ... Oh, I'm sorry to hear
it ... what? Well, I haven't seen her if
she's in there. Now, Ruthie there's
nothing to worry about. I saw Betty last
night and she was just fine. Yes, and I
gave them to her. She's a real nice kid,
Ruthie. Now stop worrying, will ya.
I'll go over and have a look around. I
will. I've got the production office
number. I'll find you. Now keep your
socks on up there and take lots of "C."
Goodbye honey.

Coco puts down the receiver with a long sigh.

CUT TO:

INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Betty and Rita are sitting on the leather couch having some
coffee. The front door to the apartment is open and sunlight
is pouring in through the screen door. Betty looks at her
watch.

BETTY
Oh, no wonder I'm starving. I'm going to
fix a sandwich. You want one?

RITA
I'm all right.

BETTY
You've got to eat something. You're just
nervous about going over to see if you're
Diane Selwyn.

Rita just looks at her. Betty starts for the kitchen.


BETTY (cont'd)
Suit yourself. I'll share mine with you
if you change your mind.

Betty goes into the kitchen. Suddenly there's a knock on the
screen door and Coco peers in, seeing Rita on the couch.
Rita looks up ... panicked.

COCO
Hi! Who are you?

RITA
Uh...Betty!?

Betty comes out from the kitchen and sees the situation.

COCO
Can I see you outside a minute Betty?

Betty walks past Rita, pats her on the shoulder and goes
outside to see Coco who has moved away to wait.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Coco visits Betty to check on her, finding Rita on the couch. Betty evades Coco's concerns, leaving Rita alone in the apartment.
Strengths
  • Building tension and intrigue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of theme
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the rehearsal dialogue and the introduction of the phone call and neighbor. The conflict between Betty and Rita adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of rehearsing a scene while dealing with external mysteries and conflicts is intriguing and adds layers to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Betty and Rita continue their search for answers about Rita's identity and the car crash. The introduction of the suspicious neighbor adds a new element of mystery.

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not offer any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is realistic but not particularly unique.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Betty and Rita's characters are well-developed and their conflict adds depth to the scene. Coco's appearance adds intrigue and raises questions about her involvement.

Character Changes: 7

Betty and Rita's characters experience a shift in their dynamic as they argue and then laugh together, showing a complex and evolving relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reassure Aunt Ruth (on the phone) and calm Rita's nerves. This reflects Coco's desire to maintain stability and protect those she cares about.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate Aunt Ruth's apartment and find out if Betty is there. This reflects the immediate challenge of Coco trying to locate Betty and potentially resolve any issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Betty and Rita adds tension to the scene, and the introduction of the suspicious neighbor raises the stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, as Coco faces the challenge of finding Betty and potentially dealing with any issues that may arise. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the introduction of the suspicious neighbor and the ongoing search for answers about Rita's identity and the car crash.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries and conflicts, and deepening the relationship between Betty and Rita.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the outcome of Coco's investigation and the significance of Rita's nervousness.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and curiosity as the characters search for answers and navigate their complicated relationship.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension and conflict between Betty and Rita. Coco's dialogue adds intrigue and raises questions.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and raises questions about the characters and their relationships. The dialogue and actions create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly and create a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then cuts to different locations, focusing on the interactions between characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Coco answering a phone call from Ruthie, but the conversation feels disconnected from the rest of the script. It doesn't add much to the overall story and could be cut or integrated more seamlessly.
  • The dialogue between Coco and Ruthie feels forced and unnatural. The conversation lacks depth and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationship.
  • The introduction of Coco as a character feels abrupt and doesn't provide enough context or background information. It's unclear who Coco is and why her perspective is important to the story.
  • The interaction between Betty and Rita in Aunt Ruth's apartment is brief and lacks depth. There is potential for more meaningful dialogue and character development in this scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or further development of the conflict between Betty and Rita.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking or removing the phone conversation between Coco and Ruthie to make it more relevant to the overall story.
  • Develop the dialogue between Coco and Ruthie to reveal more about their relationship and provide insight into the characters' motivations.
  • Introduce Coco as a character earlier in the script and provide more context for her role in the story.
  • Expand the interaction between Betty and Rita in Aunt Ruth's apartment to delve deeper into their relationship and the conflict between them.
  • Provide a resolution or further development of the conflict between Betty and Rita in this scene to keep the audience engaged and interested.



Scene 28 -  Aunt's Suspicions
EXT. COURTYARD 1612 HAVENHURST - DAY

The screen door slams. Coco and Betty face each other close,
out of earshot of Rita.

COCO
Your Aunt called me.

BETTY
I was afraid of that.

COCO
She wants to know who's staying in her
apartment.

BETTY
(slowly, deliberately)
It's just for a night or two, until she
finds her own place. I tried to explain
that to Aunt Ruth, but the connection was
bad and her plane was leaving and she got
it all mixed up. I kept telling her it
was my friend and she kept saying she
didn't know any Ritas ...

COCO
Sweetie, look at me straight.

Betty lifts her eyes to Coco's. Direct, clear.


BETTY
Coco...she's very nice. We went to
school together.

COCO
So I guess your Grandpa and Grandma know
her.

BETTY
Not really. I met her in junior college
and she was from this other town.

Coco looks hard into Betty's innocent face.

BETTY (cont'd)
You can call my grandparents ... I'm sure
they'd tell you that I don't lie and I
sure wouldn't allow a stranger to invade
my Aunt Ruth's apartment.
COCO
Honey... I was married to a director for
thirty years. He had an uncanny ability
to read people. Maybe some of it rubbed
off on me or maybe I had it all
along ... you're a good kid... What you're
telling me is a load of horse - pucky but
it comes from a good place. I'll trust
you to sort this out. Now I'm not going
against Ruth. She's got enough to worry
about up there in Canada. If she asks-
I'm going to say everything is okay, and
you make sure it is.
(Coco places her hand on
Betty's shoulder and squeezes
it)
If you need any help you know where to
find me.

Betty puts her hand on Coco's shoulder and gives her a
squeeze.

BETTY
You're really something Coco...thank you.

COCO
Don't make me out to be a sucker. Louise
Bonner says there's trouble in there.
You remember last night. Sometimes she's
wrong, but if there is trouble - get rid
of it.


Coco turns and walks away. Betty studies her and thinks
about what she said before turning and going back inside.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Coco shares her aunt's concerns about Rita staying in her apartment; Betty insists that Rita is harmless; Coco warns Betty to address any trouble that may arise; Betty thanks Coco for her trust and exits.
Strengths
  • Tension between characters
  • Revelation of manipulation
  • Melodramatic tone
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the conflict between Betty and Rita. The revelation of Rita's manipulation adds an unexpected twist to the scene. The melodramatic tone adds to the overall atmosphere of mystery and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Betty and Rita rehearsing an audition scene while dealing with their own personal conflicts adds depth to their characters and advances the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Betty and Rita's rehearsal and the revelation of Rita's manipulation. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding mystery.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character trying to convince someone of the truth is familiar, the specific details and character dynamics add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their conflict adds depth to their relationship. The scene also introduces Coco, who provides guidance and support to Betty.

Character Changes: 7

Rita's manipulation and Betty's realization of it leads to a shift in their dynamic. Betty becomes more cautious and suspicious of Rita.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Coco that she is telling the truth about the person staying in her Aunt Ruth's apartment. This reflects her deeper need for trust and validation, as well as her fear of being seen as a liar.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure that Coco doesn't reveal the truth to Aunt Ruth and cause unnecessary trouble. This reflects the immediate circumstance of protecting her friend and maintaining the status quo.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Betty and Rita is intense and escalates throughout the scene. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Coco initially doubts the protagonist's story and presents a potential obstacle. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will convince Coco and avoid trouble.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Betty as she tries to navigate the mystery surrounding Rita and protect her Aunt Ruth's apartment.

Story Forward: 8

The scene reveals Rita's manipulation and deepens the mystery surrounding her identity. It also introduces Coco as a supportive character for Betty.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the possibility of trouble and deception, leaving the audience uncertain about the outcome and the true intentions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The tension and suspense in the scene create an emotional impact on the audience. The revelation of Rita's manipulation adds an additional layer of emotion.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Betty and Rita is tense and filled with subtext. It effectively conveys their conflicting emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and Coco, creating tension and suspense. The dialogue reveals important information and develops the characters' relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue between the characters, building tension and resolving the conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene feels a bit forced and unnatural. The characters are speaking in a very formal and stilted manner, which doesn't feel authentic.
  • The conflict between Betty and Coco is resolved too quickly and easily. Coco initially expresses skepticism about Rita staying in the apartment, but Betty's explanation is accepted without much resistance.
  • The scene lacks tension and dramatic stakes. There is no sense of urgency or high stakes that would make the audience invested in the outcome of the conflict.
  • The dialogue is heavy on exposition and explanation, which slows down the pacing of the scene and makes it feel less engaging.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and nuance in the characters' interactions. Adding layers of meaning and hidden agendas would make the scene more interesting and dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it sound more natural and conversational. Consider how real people would speak in this situation and try to capture that in the dialogue.
  • Increase the conflict between Betty and Coco to create more tension and drama. Make it more difficult for Betty to convince Coco that Rita is harmless, and add consequences if she fails to do so.
  • Add a sense of urgency or a ticking clock to the scene to raise the stakes. Maybe Betty only has a limited amount of time to convince Coco, or there are consequences if Rita is discovered in the apartment.
  • Find ways to convey information and backstory without relying on exposition. Show, don't tell, the audience about Betty and Rita's relationship and their connection to Aunt Ruth.
  • Add subtext and hidden agendas to the characters' interactions. Give Betty and Coco conflicting motivations and desires that are not explicitly stated in the dialogue.



Scene 29 -  Detectives Investigate Phony Credit Cards
INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - SAME

Betty enters through the screen door. Rita studies her.

RITA
Is everything all right? Is it bad for
you that I'm here?

BETTY
(slightly forcing a broad
smile)
Everything is A-okay, but I've gotta get
that sandwich!
On her way to the kitchen she checks her watch.

BETTY (cont'd)
And I've got an audition in one hour.

CUT TO:

INT. HOLLYWOOD POLICE STATION - DAY

Detective Neal Domgaard throws two wallets down on the desk
in front of Detective Harry McKnight. Harry pauses in the
middle of a large bite of grilled cheese sandwich with bacon
and tomato. He looks down and studies the wallets.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
(biting in and chewing)
Nice wallets.

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Handstitched Italian. Filled with phony
credit cards ... off the two guys in the
Caddy.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
The one of 'em still alive?

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Yeah... just .... Dr. Scott's got 'im. You
remember Dr.Scott.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Oh yeah.


DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Well he said... you know in his way... you
know what I mean? Besides the guy
gettin' rolled up under the kids car
which busted him up pretty bad, there was
this little knife-like torn piece of
metal, you know, off the car body, rolled
out and slid up through this guy's neck
and just kinda slit his aorta, you know,
but they didn't find it right away, so
the guy's losin' a lot of blood, you
know, to the brain - all this time cause
it was just like this thin little
puncture wound on the surface of his neck
that kinda sealed itself, he said, while
inside the aorta is bleedin' pretty
steady all that time. So, Dr. Scott's
laughin' you know like he does 'cause he
knows we want to talk to this guy. He's
laughin' you know and shakin'... Son of a
bitch couldn't stop laughin'... It was
kinda contagious 'cause pretty soon we
were all laughin'...the nurse was
laughin'. You know how he is.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Find out who they are?

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Nope, not yet. Their fingerprints don't
match up anywhere.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
(another big bite - chewing)
Interesting.

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Yeah ... and they both use the same
address.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Where at?

DETECTIVE NEAL DOMGAARD
Palmdale.

DETECTIVE HARRY MCKNIGHT
Damn, that's a long drive.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Detectives Domgaard and McKnight examine wallets filled with counterfeit credit cards obtained from suspects in a Caddy. Despite injuries, their identities and fingerprints remain unknown. The detectives note a shared address in Palmdale.
Strengths
  • Tension between characters
  • Revelation of a secret
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and filled with tension, as the characters rehearse a scene that mirrors their own conflict. The revelation of the secret adds an unexpected twist and raises the stakes. The dialogue is sharp and the emotional impact is strong.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of using a rehearsal scene to mirror the conflict between the characters is innovative and adds depth to the story. The revelation of the secret adds an element of mystery and intrigue.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward. The tension between the characters escalates, leading to a dramatic confrontation. The revelation of the secret adds a new layer of complexity to the plot.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-developed and their conflict is believable. The tension between Betty and Rita is palpable, and their emotional journey is compelling. The revelation of the secret adds depth to their characters.

    Character Changes: 8

    Both Betty and Rita experience a shift in their dynamic as the secret is revealed. Betty's initial anger and suspicion turn into curiosity and a desire to understand Rita's motives. Rita remains calm and in control, using the secret to her advantage.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Betty's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a positive facade and hide any personal issues or concerns she may have. This reflects her deeper need for approval and her fear of vulnerability.

    External Goal: 7

    Betty's external goal in this scene is to get a sandwich and make it to her audition in time. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing, such as time constraints and hunger.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Betty and Rita is intense and escalates throughout the scene. The revelation of the secret adds another layer of conflict and raises the stakes.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no major obstacle or conflict, the conversation between the detectives hints at a larger mystery and creates a sense of tension and opposition.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high in this scene as the characters' relationship is at risk. The revelation of the secret could have serious consequences for both Betty and Rita.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing a secret and deepening the conflict between the characters. It raises questions and leaves the audience wanting to know more about the characters' motivations and the consequences of their actions.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the mention of the wallets and the detectives' conversation about the mysterious case. The audience is left wondering about the significance of these details and how they will unfold in the narrative.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene is emotionally charged, with the tension between Betty and Rita reaching a boiling point. The revelation of the secret adds an emotional punch and leaves the audience wanting to know more.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is sharp and reflects the tension between the characters. The rehearsal scene allows for a mix of melodrama and realism, creating an engaging dynamic between Betty and Rita.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and intrigue with the mention of the wallets and the conversation between the detectives. The contrasting tone between Betty's lightheartedness and the detectives' serious discussion also adds to the engagement.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between slower moments of dialogue and faster moments of action. This creates a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location description, followed by character actions and dialogue, and ends with a cut to a new location.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Betty entering Aunt Ruth's apartment, but there is no clear reason for her to be there. It feels like a random transition from the previous scene.
    • The dialogue between Detective Neal Domgaard and Detective Harry McKnight is filled with unnecessary details and lacks focus. It becomes difficult to follow their conversation and understand its relevance to the overall story.
    • The scene lacks a clear conflict or purpose. It doesn't contribute much to the plot or character development.
    • The transition from the police station to Coco and Betty's conversation is abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly.
    • The dialogue between Coco and Betty is brief and doesn't provide much depth or insight into their relationship or the situation with Rita.
    • Overall, the scene feels disconnected from the rest of the script and doesn't add much value to the story.
    Suggestions
    • Consider reworking the scene to provide a clearer reason for Betty to be at Aunt Ruth's apartment and to establish a stronger conflict or purpose.
    • Simplify the dialogue between the detectives and focus on the most important information that moves the story forward.
    • Explore ways to make the transition between the police station and Coco and Betty's conversation more seamless and natural.
    • Develop the dialogue between Coco and Betty to provide more depth and insight into their relationship and the situation with Rita.
    • Consider whether this scene is necessary for the overall story and if it can be combined or integrated with other scenes to create a stronger narrative flow.



    Scene 30 -  Betty Inquires About The Deal's Facilitator
    EXT. - COURTYARD 1612 HAVENHURST - DAY


    Betty is coming out of Aunt Ruth's apartment. She calls
    back in to Rita.

    BETTY
    I hope I'm back in a couple of hours.
    Don't drink all the coke.
    (we hear laughter from inside
    and Rita call out.)

    RITA
    Good luck!

    BETTY
    When I get back I'll have the cab
    waiting, so be ready to go.
    RITA
    Okay.

    Betty closes the door and heads across the courtyard. She
    knocks on Coco's door and in a moment Coco answers.

    BETTY
    Sorry to trouble you, Coco.

    COCO
    It's all right gorgeous. Something
    wrong?

    BETTY
    No, no. I'm on my way to my audition.
    Before I go I wanted to ask you if you
    could remember the man's name ... Aunt
    Ruthie's friend who helped put this
    together. It completely went out of my
    mind.

    COCO
    His name's Wally Brown .... great guy.
    Been in the business since forever.

    BETTY
    Thanks Coco. It'd be so embarrassing

    COCO
    Naw! He wouldn't have cared. Just give
    him a good performance and he'll be happy
    and I've got a feeling you'll do just
    that.

    BETTY
    Thanks Coco. I'll let you know.


    COCO
    Get going. You don't want to be late.

    BETTY
    Right. See ya.

    COCO
    Good luck, honey!

    Betty takes off through the iron gates and Coco smiles as she
    watches her go.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Betty approaches Coco to ask for the name of the individual who assisted Aunt Ruth with the deal. Coco provides Betty with the name Wally Brown and expresses confidence in Betty's upcoming audition. Betty thanks Coco and departs, leaving Coco with a smile as she observes Betty leave.
    Strengths
    • Tension-building
    • Suspenseful atmosphere
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Revelation of a secret
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of resolution to the conflict

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the rehearsal dialogue and the revelation of a secret. The melodramatic tone adds to the intrigue and keeps the audience engaged.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of rehearsing a scene while revealing a secret adds depth to the characters and advances the plot. It creates a sense of mystery and anticipation for the audience.

    Plot: 9

    The plot progresses as Betty and Rita rehearse the audition scene and their argument escalates. The revelation of the secret adds a new layer of complexity to the story.

    Originality: 3

    The level of originality in this scene is low. It portrays a common situation of a character preparing for an audition and seeking reassurance from a friend.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their dynamic is explored through their rehearsal dialogue. The revelation of the secret adds depth to their relationship.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters of Betty and Rita experience a shift in their relationship as the secret is revealed. Their dynamic changes and their emotions are heightened.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prepare for her audition and seek reassurance from Coco. It reflects her desire to succeed and her need for support and encouragement.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about Aunt Ruthie's friend who helped put the audition together. It reflects the immediate circumstance of needing to remember the man's name.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between Betty and Rita escalates as they argue about the secret. The tension and suspense are heightened, creating a sense of conflict.

    Opposition: 3

    The opposition in this scene is minimal, as there are no significant obstacles or conflicts for the protagonist to overcome.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes are raised as the secret is revealed and the conflict between Betty and Rita escalates. The audience is invested in the outcome of their argument.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing a secret and deepening the mystery. It adds new information and raises questions for the audience.

    Unpredictability: 4

    This scene is not particularly unpredictable as it follows a common narrative pattern of a character seeking information and reassurance.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions of tension, suspense, and curiosity. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters and their conflict.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue between Betty and Rita is engaging and reveals their conflicting emotions. The tension and suspense are effectively conveyed through their words.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it portrays a relatable situation and includes dialogue that reveals the characters' personalities and relationships.

    Pacing: 7

    The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the characters' interactions and the progression of the protagonist's preparations.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and punctuation.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Betty coming out of Aunt Ruth's apartment and calling back to Rita. This dialogue feels unnecessary and doesn't add much to the scene. It could be cut to make the scene more concise.
    • The conversation between Betty and Coco feels forced and unnatural. The dialogue lacks depth and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationship. It could be rewritten to make it more engaging and meaningful.
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict. It doesn't move the story forward or provide any new information. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut or combined with another scene to create a stronger narrative.
    • The scene could benefit from more visual elements and actions to make it more visually interesting. Currently, it relies heavily on dialogue, which can make it feel static and unengaging.
    • The scene could also benefit from more emotional depth and tension. There is no sense of urgency or stakes, which makes it feel flat and uninteresting.
    Suggestions
    • Consider cutting the opening dialogue between Betty and Rita to make the scene more concise.
    • Rewrite the conversation between Betty and Coco to make it more engaging and meaningful. Add depth to their relationship and reveal more about their characters.
    • Give the scene a clear purpose or conflict that moves the story forward or provides new information.
    • Add more visual elements and actions to make the scene more visually interesting.
    • Create more emotional depth and tension in the scene by adding urgency and stakes.



    Scene 31 -  Betty Arrives at Paramount Studios
    INT. CAB - DAY

    Betty is wide-eyed and filled with awe at something she is
    seeing.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. - PARAMOUNT STUDIOS - MAIN ENTRANCE GATE - DAY

    The cab pulls up to the gate. Betty pays the driver and gets
    out. She-stands for a moment staring at a dream.

    She walks through the gate and as she goes is stopped by a
    PARAMOUNT GUARD.

    PARAMOUNT GUARD
    And where do we think we're going, Miss?

    Betty stops and turns.

    BETTY
    To my audition.

    PARAMOUNT GUARD
    And who are we auditioning for today?

    BETTY
    Wally Brown.

    PARAMOUNT GUARD
    And do we know which of the fifty-seven
    buildings Wally Brown is in?

    BETTY
    (smiling)
    No, we don't.

    PARAMOUNT GUARD
    Well, now we've got to figure that out
    first don't we?

    BETTY
    Yes, Sir.

    PARAMOUNT GUARD
    Mr.Wallace Brown is in the Executive
    Building on the second floor. We want to
    go in and turn right at the first street.
    Then we want to walk three blocks down
    past Stage 17 to the white Executive
    Building. Once we're on the second floor
    the receptionist will take us from there.
    Now do we have name?

    BETTY
    Betty Elms.

    PARAMOUNT GUARD
    Let's see if we have a pass for Betty
    Elms ... and we do. Here we go. And good
    luck Miss. Elms.

    BETTY
    Thank you... thank you very much.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

    Summary Betty arrives at Paramount Studios for her audition and is directed to the Executive Building by a helpful guard. She thanks him and wishes him a good day.
    Strengths
    • Building suspense
    • Intense dialogue
    • Revelation of Rita's true identity
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of resolution to the conflict

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds suspense and tension through the interaction between Betty and Rita, as well as the introduction of Coco's concerns. The dialogue is engaging and the stakes are raised when Betty pulls a knife on Rita. The scene also moves the story forward by revealing Rita's true identity and setting up the meeting with the Cowboy.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of Betty's audition at Paramount Studios and the tension between her and Rita is intriguing and keeps the audience engaged. The introduction of Coco adds depth to the scene and raises questions about Rita's true intentions.

    Plot: 8

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty's audition at Paramount Studios and the tension between her and Rita. The scene effectively builds suspense and raises the stakes when Betty pulls a knife on Rita. The revelation of Rita's true identity and the setup for the meeting with the Cowboy also move the overall plot forward.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a Hollywood studio is familiar, the specific details and interactions between the characters add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene, particularly Betty and Rita, are well-developed and their interactions create tension and intrigue. Betty's determination and Rita's mysterious past add depth to their characters. Coco's skepticism and concern add an additional layer of complexity.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Betty's determination and Rita's realization of her true identity hint at potential character development in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully navigate the studio and find the location of her audition. It reflects her desire to make it in the film industry and pursue her dreams.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find the Executive Building on the second floor and meet the receptionist who will guide her to her audition. It reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the studio and finding the correct location.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict in the scene is primarily between Betty and Rita, as well as the underlying conflict between Betty and Coco. The tension and suspense created by these conflicts keep the audience engaged.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces the challenge of finding her audition location within the studio, but it is not a major obstacle. The audience is unsure of how she will overcome this challenge.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are raised when Betty pulls a knife on Rita, as it could have serious consequences for both characters. The revelation of Rita's true identity and the meeting with the Cowboy also raise the stakes and add to the overall suspense.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing Rita's true identity and setting up the meeting with the Cowboy. Betty's audition at Paramount Studios also advances the plot and adds to the overall mystery.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will navigate the studio and find her audition location. However, the overall outcome is expected.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, hope, and determination. The intense dialogue and the revelation of Rita's true identity add emotional depth to the scene.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is engaging and effectively conveys the tension and emotions between the characters. The dialogue between Betty and Rita during their audition scene is particularly intense and melodramatic.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces the protagonist's journey in a visually interesting location and creates anticipation for her audition. The dialogue and interactions between the characters keep the audience interested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The concise dialogue and focused narrative description contribute to the scene's pacing.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by character actions and dialogue that progress the scene.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Betty being filled with awe at something she is seeing, but it is not clear what she is looking at. This lack of clarity makes it difficult for the audience to fully understand her emotions and the significance of the moment.
    • The dialogue between Betty and the Paramount Guard feels a bit forced and unnatural. The guard's questions and instructions come across as overly formal and robotic, which detracts from the authenticity of the scene.
    • There is a missed opportunity to add more tension and conflict to the scene. Betty's audition is a high-stakes moment for her, and it would be interesting to see her grappling with nerves or doubts as she enters the studio.
    • The scene lacks visual description and detail, making it difficult for the reader to fully visualize the setting and the characters' actions. Adding more sensory details and specific actions would help bring the scene to life.
    • The transition from Betty leaving Coco's apartment to arriving at Paramount Studios feels abrupt and disjointed. It would be helpful to include a smoother transition or a brief establishing shot to orient the reader and create a more seamless flow between scenes.
    Suggestions
    • Clarify what Betty is seeing that fills her with awe at the beginning of the scene. This will help create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
    • Revise the dialogue between Betty and the Paramount Guard to make it more natural and conversational. Consider adding some humor or banter to make the interaction feel more dynamic.
    • Explore Betty's internal thoughts and emotions as she enters the studio for her audition. Show her grappling with nerves or doubts to add depth and tension to the scene.
    • Add more visual description and detail to enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and the characters' actions. Use sensory details to create a more immersive experience.
    • Smooth out the transition between Betty leaving Coco's apartment and arriving at Paramount Studios. Consider adding a brief establishing shot or a transitional sentence to create a more seamless flow between scenes.



    Scene 32 -  The Audition
    INT. EXECUTIVE BUILDING - SECOND FLOOR - DAY

    Betty finishes climbing some stairs and crosses to the
    receptionist. She hands over her pass. The receptionist
    looks at it, hands it back to Betty and points down the hall
    to her left.

    RECEPTIONIST
    Number 43, on the left.

    BETTY
    Thank you.

    Betty walks down the long corridor past several offices. The
    door to office 43 is open when she arrives and she enters a
    large sitting room with a receptionist at a desk off to one
    side.

    RECEPTIONIST
    May I help you?


    BETTY
    My name is Betty Elms. I'm here to
    audition for... Mr. Brown

    RECEPTIONIST
    Good. Perfect timing. Have a seat and
    I'll get Mr. Brown.

    The receptionist stands, walks to a door, knocks twice, then
    enters.

    She closes the door behind her and Betty is alone in the
    sitting room. She sits on a couch and looks at the old
    movie posters covering all four walls.
    In a moment the same door opens again and an elderly,
    distinguished looking gentleman WALLY BROWN comes out
    smiling. Betty stands up immediately.

    WALLY
    Betty Elms?

    BETTY
    Yes.

    WALLY
    I'm Wally Brown. Your Aunt is a very dear
    friend of mine so it's particularly nice
    to meet you.

    BETTY
    Very pleased to meet you.

    WALLY
    Come in. I'd like you to meet everyone.

    As they walk into Wally's office...

    WALLY (cont'd)
    I took the liberty of inviting an extra
    person to see your audition. She saw
    your resume picture and was very
    interested in meeting you.

    Inside Wally's office several people rise out of chairs when
    Wally enters with Betty.

    WALLY (cont'd)
    Betty Elms this is Jack Taft, my
    assistant, Jimmy Katz who we've already
    cast for the part of "Chuck". He'll be
    doing the scene with you.
    This is Julie Chadwick and Bob Brooker,
    the director, and our surprise guest is
    Sarah James. We couldn't afford her to
    cast our picture, but as casting agents
    go she's the best.

    SARAH JAMES
    Why thank you, Wally. Hello Betty.

    She and Betty shake hands.

    BETTY
    Pleased to meet you.
    SARAH JAMES
    This is Nicki, my assistant.

    Nicki, a very stylish, thin girl with black cat-eyed glasses
    nods coolly to Betty.

    WALLY
    And this is Martha, Martha Johnson, who
    you met out front.

    Betty nervously smiles to the room.

    BETTY
    Hi.

    WALLY
    Well. Shall we get to it? Would you like
    a water or a coffee before we begin?

    Betty's hands are beginning to sweat.

    BETTY
    No, no, I'm fine.

    WALLY
    Well then, take a seat everyone. Betty
    why don't you join Jimmy and we'll play
    the scene. Is there anything you'd like
    to say Bob... something to Betty before
    they begin?

    Betty stops on her way across to Jimmy and looks to Bob the
    director.

    BOB
    No ... it's not a contest, see, the two of
    them with themselves, so don't play it
    for real until it gets real.


    Betty doesn't know what to say. She catches Sarah's
    assistant, Nicki, rolling her eyes.

    BETTY
    Okay.

    Betty continues walking toward Jimmy who opens his arms to
    her as she approaches. He's old enough to be her father.

    JIMMY
    Just tell me where it hurts, baby.
    BETTY
    What?

    JIMMY
    I want to play this one close, Bob. Like
    it was with that girl, what's her name,
    with the black hair. That felt good.
    Whaddya think?

    Betty looks from Jimmy to Bob.

    BOB
    That'd be good, Jimmy. Just don't rush
    that line again. I told you... the line
    where you say, "Before what?"

    JIMMY
    I was playin' off 'em. They say,
    "They'll arrest you"... and stuff like
    that.. "put you in jail"... they say it
    like that. They all say it the same way,
    so I react like that.

    Jimmy turns to Betty.

    JIMMY (cont'd)
    Look ... what's your name?

    BETTY
    Betty.

    JIMMY
    Yeah ... Betty. You don't rush it. I
    don't rush it. We play it close, just
    like in the movies.

    Jimmy reaches out and puts his arm around Betty and brings
    her in against his pot belly.

    JIMMY (cont'd)
    Dad's best friend goes to work.


    Jimmy smiles as he brings Betty a little closer. She is
    trying to concentrate through the nervousness and Jimmy's
    breath. There is a silence as Jimmy looks her in the eyes.
    Everyone in the room is looking Betty in the eyes.

    WALLY
    Bob?

    BOB
    And ... ACTION!

    Betty and Jimmy start the scene. It is very difficult for
    Betty as Jimmy has her in an absurd clench now.

    BETTY
    You're still here?

    JIMMY
    I came back. I thought that's what you
    wanted.

    Jimmy plays this with a big lecherous smile. He gives the
    last part of the line across her cheek up to her ear.

    BETTY
    Nobody wants you here.

    Betty uses the anger of this line to push herself away from
    Jimmy. Jimmy reaches out and grabs her wrist.

    JIMMY
    Really?

    Betty pulls her hand away and stands her ground.

    BETTY
    My parents are right upstairs! They
    think you've left.

    Jimmy smiles broadly and moves again toward Betty.

    JIMMY
    So ... surprise!

    Betty pushes him back.

    BETTY
    I can call them... I can call my dad.

    JIMMY
    But you won't.


    He grabs Betty by the wrist again and pulls her in to him.
    He puts his hand on her waist and it accidently slips and
    keeps going down her hips. He jerks his hand back. Betty
    looks down and sees Jimmy's hand hovering above her thigh.
    Betty takes her hand and gently presses down on Jimmy's hand.
    She slowly looks up with the most seductive smile. Jimmy
    lets his hand rest more firmly on her thigh, and squeezes her
    thigh as he sees her smile. With his other hand Jimmy gently
    pulls her closer. Something has started coming over Betty
    and she catches the drift of this scene in a different way.
    She's surprising herself.

    BETTY
    (almost a hot whisper)
    You're playing a dangerous game here. if
    you're trying to blackmail me... it's not
    going to work.

    Jimmy now surprises himself. He becomes almost tender and
    genuinely worked up from the heat coming off Betty.

    JIMMY
    You know what I want...it's not that
    difficult.

    Where the scene should turn to anger from Betty it can't now
    and Betty plays it as she feels it. She stays in very close
    to Jimmy - looking him right in the eyes.

    BETTY
    (whispering desperately -
    slowly)
    Get out... Get out before I call my dad.
    He trusts you... you're his best friend.
    (her arms go around him)
    This will be the end of everything.

    Jimmy gets lost. He doesn't know where he is anymore. He
    can only see Betty's eyes.

    JIMMY
    What about you? What will your dad think
    about you?

    Betty still playing it in a dreamy whisper... lost in heat.

    BETTY
    Stop... just stop! That's what you said
    from the beginning. If I tell what
    happened... they'll arrest you and put
    you in jail, so get out of here before...

    JIMMY
    (caught by her transfixing,
    sultry eyes, and almost
    breathless ... he finds himself
    taking an extra long pause)
    Before what?

    As scripted Betty pretends to pull the knife from behind her
    back, but wraps the knife around behind Jimmy and pulls him
    into a kiss.

    BETTY
    (as she kisses him - whispers)
    Before I kill you.

    Jimmy panics and pushes Betty away with his hands on her
    shoulders as if forcing himself to come out of a trance. He
    finally is able to say his line.

    JIMMY
    Then they'd put you in jail.

    As scripted Betty is supposed to cry now and it is very easy
    for her to do this because she's ashamed at how the sex of
    the scene took her over. Tears begin running down her
    cheeks. She backs away.

    BETTY
    I hate you... I hate us both!

    She pretends to drop the knife. The scene ends.

    Everyone in the room has become mesmerized by Betty, but they
    soon drift back to reality and begin applauding the
    performance. Sarah turns to Nicki.

    SARAH JAMES
    I'm going to take her over there.

    NICKI
    Big time!

    WALLY
    (to everyone)
    Wow!

    Betty wipes her eyes and turns smiling - still shocked at
    herself.

    BETTY
    Well, there it was.


    JIMMY
    There it was it was! Baby, you got a
    way!

    WALLY
    Bob?
    BOB
    Very good. Really. I mean it was forced
    maybe but still humanistic. Yeah, very
    good, really.

    WALLY
    Well, thank you Betty, and I mean that.
    That was very impressive. You've done
    your Aunt proud and I'm going to tell her
    the first chance I get. We'll speak again
    soon I'm sure, and thank you so much for
    coming in.

    BETTY
    Well, thank you.

    Betty doesn't quite know what to do. She moves to the center
    of the room and just stands. Remnants of the scene still
    staying with her.

    Sarah stands and Nicki stands just after.

    SARAH JAMES
    Thank you, Wally. I'm sure you all have a
    lot to talk about. We'll walk Betty out.

    WALLY
    Well, yes indeed. Our pleasure, Sarah,
    and don't you be a stranger. We'd love to
    see you around here again real soon.

    SARAH JAMES
    Well come along, Betty.

    Sarah takes Betty's hand and they go to the door. Betty turns
    back once more and smiles.

    BETTY
    Thank you again, Mr. Brown. It was nice
    meeting all of you.

    Everyone nods and waves and Betty is taken out by Sarah and
    Nicki.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Betty Elms attends an audition where she encounters an inappropriate scene partner, Jimmy Katz. Despite the uncomfortable situation, Betty delivers a powerful performance, impressing the audition panel. Casting director Wally Brown expresses his admiration, and renowned casting agent Sarah James escorts Betty out, leaving her with a sense of accomplishment and confidence.
    Strengths
    • Tension-building
    • Strong performances
    • Surprising twist
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more natural

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with strong performances and a surprising twist. It effectively introduces important characters and sets up the high stakes of the audition.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the audition scene is well-executed, with the tension and suspense building throughout. The unexpected seductive twist adds depth to the scene and showcases Betty's range as an actress.

    Plot: 8

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty's audition and the unexpected turn it takes. It effectively advances the overall story by introducing important characters and establishing the high stakes of the audition.

    Originality: 5

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. It follows a familiar structure and does not introduce any unique situations or fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and realistic.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene are well-developed and their interactions are compelling. Betty's transformation during the audition adds depth to her character, while Jimmy's lecherous behavior creates tension.

    Character Changes: 8

    Betty undergoes a significant character change during the scene, surprising herself with a seductive performance. This change adds depth to her character and sets up potential conflicts in the future.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impress the casting agents and secure a role in the audition. This reflects her desire for success and validation as an actress.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to perform well in the audition and make a good impression on the casting agents. This reflects the immediate challenge of proving her talent and suitability for the role.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, with tension building between Betty and Jimmy during the audition. The power dynamics and manipulation add an extra layer of conflict.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate, with the protagonist facing challenges and obstacles in the form of the audition process and the expectations of the casting agents.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes in the scene are high, as Betty's future as an actress and her relationship with her father's best friend are on the line. The unexpected seductive twist raises the stakes even further.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing important characters and establishing the high stakes of the audition. It also sets up potential conflicts and plot developments.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's seductive behavior and the casting agents' positive reactions. However, the overall outcome of the audition is still somewhat predictable.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to surprise and relief. Betty's emotional journey during the audition is particularly impactful.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is engaging and effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters. The seductive exchange between Betty and Jimmy is particularly well-written.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it introduces the protagonist's goals and challenges, creates tension and anticipation through the dialogue and actions, and leaves the audience curious about the outcome of the audition.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and anticipation, with a gradual increase in intensity as the audition progresses.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character introductions, and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene starts off with Betty arriving at the Executive Building for her audition. The receptionist directs her to the waiting room, where she interacts briefly with Wally Brown, the casting director, before he escorts her to his office. The scene then introduces the rest of the audition panel, including Sarah James, a renowned casting agent. Jimmy Katz, Betty's scene partner, behaves inappropriately during the audition, but Betty surprises everyone with her ability to turn the situation to her advantage and deliver a powerful performance.
    • Overall, the scene effectively sets up the audition and showcases Betty's talent and ability to handle difficult situations. The dialogue between the characters is engaging and reveals their personalities and dynamics. The tension and nervousness of the audition process are palpable, and the scene successfully captures the competitive and high-stakes nature of the industry.
    • However, there are a few areas that could be improved to enhance the scene. Firstly, the description of the setting and the characters' actions could be more detailed and vivid to create a stronger visual image for the reader. This would help to immerse the reader in the scene and make it feel more alive.
    • Additionally, the dialogue between Betty and Jimmy could be further developed to create a more nuanced and complex dynamic between the characters. This could involve adding more subtext and layers to their conversation, allowing for deeper exploration of their motivations and emotions. This would add depth to their performances and make the scene more compelling.
    • Lastly, the scene could benefit from a stronger resolution or conclusion. Currently, the scene ends abruptly with Betty thanking everyone and leaving the room. Adding a final moment or line of dialogue that ties up the scene or hints at what is to come would provide a more satisfying ending for the reader.
    Suggestions
    • Provide more detailed descriptions of the setting and the characters' actions to create a stronger visual image.
    • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Jimmy to add more subtext and complexity to their interaction.
    • Consider adding a stronger resolution or conclusion to the scene to provide a more satisfying ending.



    Scene 33 -  Dispute in the Corridor
    INT.- CORRIDOR EXECUTIVE BUILDING - DAY

    The three of them walk down the corridor.

    SARAH JAMES
    Oh God, that was awful!

    Betty's head spins to Sarah. A look of shock and let down on
    her face.

    SARAH JAMES (cont'd)
    Oh, not you Betty. You were stellar and
    I mean that, but poor Wally. He'll never
    get that picture made. Wally's days were
    up twenty -years ago.

    NICKI
    (sickening little laugh)
    How about that Jimmy Katz?

    SARAH JAMES
    Oh god! Jimmy Katz never had a day.
    Jimmy Katz never had a minute. Poor
    Wally.

    Betty finds herself getting a little upset.

    BETTY
    They seem very nice to me, and
    Wally... Mr. Brown is a very close friend
    of my Aunt's, so. . .

    SARAH JAMES
    Settle down, Betty. Don't get me wrong.
    I love Wally. I ought to. I was married
    to him for ten years.

    Betty does another shocked head turn.

    SARAH JAMES (cont'd)
    And I love actors, all actors, Jimmy Katz
    included. We just get a little catty
    sometimes. Now we want to take you across
    the way and introduce you to a director
    who's a head above the rest. He's got a
    project that you would kill!

    At the word 'kill' Betty turns to her once again with a
    questioning look.


    SARAH JAMES (cont'd)
    ... Knock it right out of the park.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary In the bustling corridor of an executive building, Sarah, Nicki, and Betty engage in a lively conversation. Sarah's sharp wit and critical nature clash with Betty's defense of rising actors. A twist is revealed when Sarah confesses her past marriage to Wally Brown, diffusing the tension and showcasing the complexities of human relationships.
    Strengths
    • Tension between characters
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Introduction of Sarah James
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of emotional depth
    • Lack of resolution

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the dialogue and interactions between the characters. The revelation of Sarah James' connection to Wally Brown adds intrigue to the story. However, the scene lacks emotional depth and could benefit from more nuanced character development.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of the scene, focusing on Betty's audition and the dynamics between the characters, is engaging and keeps the audience interested. However, it could be further developed to explore the emotional journey of the characters.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty's audition and the introduction of Sarah James. It moves the story forward by adding new information and raising questions about Wally Brown's credibility. However, it lacks a clear resolution or significant plot development.

    Originality: 4

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are familiar tropes in the entertainment industry, and the characters' actions and dialogue are not particularly authentic or groundbreaking.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene, particularly Betty, Rita, and Sarah James, are well-defined and have distinct personalities. Their interactions and conflicts drive the scene and create tension. However, some characters could benefit from further development and exploration of their motivations.

    Character Changes: 6

    There is minimal character change in the scene. Betty's confidence and determination are reinforced, but there is no significant transformation or growth.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express her love for Wally while also acknowledging the reality of his declining career. It reflects her deeper need for honesty and her fear of hurting others with her words.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to introduce Betty to a director who has a promising project for her. It reflects the immediate circumstances of trying to help Betty succeed in her acting career.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict in the scene is primarily emotional and revolves around the tension between Betty and Rita. The revelation of Sarah James' connection to Wally Brown adds another layer of conflict. The conflict is well-executed and keeps the audience engaged.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. There is a slight conflict between Sarah's negative opinion of Wally and Betty's defense of him, but it is quickly resolved.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes in the scene are moderate, as Betty's audition and potential success in the industry are at stake. However, the scene could benefit from higher stakes to increase tension and engagement.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and raising questions about Wally Brown's credibility. However, it lacks a clear resolution or significant plot development.

    Unpredictability: 5

    This scene is somewhat predictable because it follows a familiar pattern of characters gossiping and expressing their opinions about others in the industry.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through the tension and manipulation between the characters. However, it could benefit from deeper emotional exploration and connection with the audience.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in the scene is engaging and effectively conveys the tension and manipulation between the characters. It reveals important information about their relationships and adds depth to the scene. The dialogue also showcases the characters' personalities and motivations.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the characters' opinions and creates intrigue about the director and project they mention.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective because it moves at a brisk pace, with quick back-and-forth dialogue that keeps the scene engaging.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 7

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character actions and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The dialogue in this scene feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear flow. The characters' reactions and responses to each other's statements could be more natural and organic.
    • The introduction of Sarah James as Wally Brown's ex-wife feels forced and unnecessary. It doesn't add much to the scene and could be omitted to streamline the dialogue.
    • The tone of the scene shifts abruptly from disappointment to admiration without a clear transition. It would be helpful to have more context or build-up to the characters' reactions.
    • The dialogue could benefit from more subtext and nuance. It feels a bit on-the-nose and could be more subtly written to add depth to the characters' emotions and motivations.
    • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, making it feel static and dialogue-heavy. Adding more visual elements and character movements would help bring the scene to life.
    Suggestions
    • Consider reworking the dialogue to create a more natural and flowing conversation between the characters. Focus on making their responses and reactions feel authentic and in line with their personalities.
    • Reevaluate the inclusion of Sarah James as Wally Brown's ex-wife. If her presence doesn't significantly contribute to the scene or the overall story, it may be best to remove or minimize her role.
    • Work on creating a smoother transition between the characters' initial disappointment and their admiration for Betty's performance. This could be achieved by adding more context or building up to their reactions.
    • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue by exploring the characters' underlying emotions and motivations. This will add depth and complexity to their interactions.
    • Enhance the scene by incorporating more visual descriptions and character movements. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging for the reader.



    Scene 34 -  Casting Call
    INT. - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
    We see what looks like a recording studio right out of the
    1960's. We're looking through a plate of glass. A blonde
    girl is standing at a vintage microphone. Behind her are
    three back-up male vocalists dressed in three tone, shiny
    60's suits. We hear strings soar up and the blonde girl
    begins to sing SIXTEEN REASONS by Connie Stevens. The male
    vocalists backing her up flawlessly.

    We move back and realize we are on a movie set inside a sound
    stage. A screen test is being shot of the girl and as we
    continue moving back we see the director Adam Kesher
    surrounded by his crew. Behind them there are many people
    standing, eating, watching, working. The stage is full and
    bustling. The song plays loudly over. Sarah and Nicki bring
    Betty into this scene through a giant stage door. A guard
    mimes for them to be quiet as they approach the set. The
    song continues to play over.

    As Sarah leads Betty up close Adam turns and his eyes fall on
    the beautiful face of Betty Elms. Sensing something Betty
    turns and sees Adam. They each seem to feel the thrill of
    the thunderbolt, but each embarrassed to stare longer than
    they already have turn back and watch the girl finish the
    song.

    ADAM
    (calling out through an
    electronic megaphone)
    Cut it!

    He gets out of his chair and walks into the set - up to the
    blonde girl. He shakes her hand.

    ADAM (cont'd)
    Thank you very much, Carol. It was really
    great of you to come in. I know how busy
    you are.

    CAROL
    Oh, man, are you kidding? I love this
    script! Where do I sign?


    ADAM
    Look... I love you, but there's no way
    they're gonna let me cast this thing
    until I've seen everyone. I'll let you
    know as soon as I can.

    CAROL
    I know you will ... cause my manager's
    gonna bug you day and night ... me too.

    ADAM
    It'll be my pleasure. Now, get out of
    here.

    CAROL
    Oh, you're just so cruel... don't forget
    me. I'm the girl that's going to play
    this part.

    ADAM
    (lightly pinching her cheek)
    See ya later.

    Adam turns and goes back out of the set onto the stage floor.
    He looks around. He sees Betty being introduced by Sarah to
    some of the studio executives. He goes over to his Assistant
    Director and looks down at the man's notepad.

    ADAM (cont'd)
    Who's next, Hank?

    HANK
    Camilla Rhodes.

    Adam wonders - worries.

    ADAM
    Is she ready?

    HANK
    All ready.

    ADAM
    Bring her out.

    Hank speaks into his walkie-talkie headset. The sound of his
    voice can be heard in several locations throughout the stage.

    HANK
    (through walkie-talkie)
    Camilla Rhodes next!


    Adam looks up - a beautiful blonde steps into the set in
    front of the microphone. IT IS THE GIRL! The back-up
    singers step in behind her.

    Adam nods to Hank.

    HANK (cont'd)
    Turn over!

    The cameraman calls out, "Speed".

    ADAM
    (through megaphone)
    Playback!

    Countdown before the music begins.

    ADAM (cont'd)
    ACTION!

    The strings soar up and Camilla Rhodes begins to sing.

    On the set Betty hears the song again and turns and watches.
    Once again her eyes find Adam as his eyes are finding hers.
    This time Adam turns away. He watches Camilla for a moment.
    She is passable, but not spectacular. Adam reaches out and
    pulls Hank over to him.

    HANK
    Yeah?

    Adam pauses.

    ADAM
    Get Jason over here.

    Hank gets on his walkie-talkie.

    HANK
    Cindy ... Adam wants to see Jason.

    Adam continues to watch Camilla Rhodes sing. JASON GOLDWYN,
    a tall sixty year old silver-haired man, comes through the
    crowd and stops at Adam's side. He looks down at Adam, but
    Adam continues watching Camilla Rhodes. Jason follows Adam's
    gaze and he watches Camilla sing then turns back to Adam.
    Adam slowly looks up right into Jason's eyes - wondering how
    much Jason knows, but Jason's face doesn't give away a thing.

    JASON
    Did you want to tell me something, Adam?


    ADAM
    This is the girl!

    At that moment Ray, having overheard, comes to Jason's side.
    He smiles at Adam.
    RAY
    Excellent choice, Adam.

    Adam is sick with himself.

    Across the room Betty panics when she looks at her watch.

    BETTY
    Oh ... oh...I have to be somewhere. I
    promised a friend.

    She quickly shakes Sarah's and Nicki's hands saying, "I'm
    sorry, I'm sorry" and runs off like Cinderella.

    Adam turns and sees her running off out of his world.

    Chris Isaak's song "Except The New Girl" segues in over
    Connie Stevens and plays as Adam, Sarah and Nicki watch Betty
    disappear out the sound stage door.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary During a screen test on a movie set, director Adam Kesher discovers the perfect actress for his film, Camilla Rhodes. After initially considering Carol for the role, Adam's attention is drawn to Camilla's audition, leading him to cast her as the lead. The scene captures the excitement and competition of the film industry, fueled by Adam's pursuit of the ideal cast for his vision.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Strong performances
    • Tension and suspense
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of clarity in certain plot points
    • Limited emotional depth

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces conflicts between characters. The dialogue is engaging and the performances are strong. However, the scene could benefit from more clarity in certain plot points.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of the scene, which focuses on the audition process and the manipulation between characters, is intriguing and well-executed. However, it could be further developed to provide more depth and complexity.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty and Rita's rehearsal and Adam's casting decisions. It effectively introduces conflicts and sets up future events. However, some plot points could be clearer.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the specific details and interactions between characters add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene, particularly Betty, Rita, and Adam, are well-developed and their conflicts and motivations are clear. Their interactions are engaging and drive the scene forward.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there are no significant character changes in the scene, it sets up potential changes and developments for Betty, Rita, and Adam in future events.

    Internal Goal: 7

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Adam Kesher, the director, is seeking to find the perfect actress for a role in his film. This reflects his desire for success and recognition in his career.

    External Goal: 8

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find the right actress for the role. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in casting his film.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The scene contains conflicts between Betty and Rita, as well as Adam's internal conflicts regarding casting decisions. These conflicts create tension and drive the scene forward.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a small obstacle in finding the right actress, the audience is not left in suspense about the outcome.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes in the scene involve Betty's audition and Adam's casting decisions, which have personal and professional implications for the characters. However, the stakes could be further heightened.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflicts and setting up future events, particularly in relation to Betty, Rita, and Adam. It also provides important information about the audition process.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know which actress will be chosen for the role. The introduction of Camilla Rhodes adds a twist to the story.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes emotions of tension, hope, and conflict. However, it could benefit from more emotional depth and impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is well-written and reveals the tensions and manipulations between characters. It effectively conveys their emotions and motivations.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a high-stakes situation and creates anticipation for the outcome. The dialogue and visuals keep the audience invested in the story.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and anticipation. The rhythm of the dialogue and the movement of the characters keep the scene engaging.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's goals, and sets up future conflicts.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a description of a recording studio that looks like it's from the 1960s. This description sets the tone and establishes the time period effectively.
    • The introduction of the blonde girl singing and the backup vocalists adds visual interest and sets the stage for the screen test that is being shot.
    • The interaction between Adam Kesher and Carol, the blonde girl, is well-written and shows Adam's professionalism and Carol's enthusiasm for the script.
    • The introduction of Betty Elms and her interaction with Sarah and Nicki adds another layer of intrigue to the scene.
    • The tension between Adam and Betty is palpable, and their brief eye contact hints at a potential connection.
    • The introduction of Camilla Rhodes and the decision to cast her instead of Carol adds a twist to the scene and raises questions about Adam's motivations.
    • The scene ends with Betty running off, leaving Adam feeling sick with himself. This ending leaves the audience wanting to know more about what will happen next.
    • Overall, the scene effectively sets up the conflict and tension between the characters and leaves the audience wanting to know more.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding more dialogue between Adam and Betty to further develop their connection and build suspense.
    • Explore the reasons behind Adam's decision to cast Camilla instead of Carol to add depth to his character.
    • Consider adding more visual details to enhance the atmosphere of the recording studio and the screen test.
    • Consider adding more description of the reactions of the other characters in the scene to highlight the tension and conflict.
    • Consider adding a cliffhanger or twist at the end of the scene to leave the audience even more intrigued.



    Scene 35 -  A Chance Encounter
    EXT. 1612 HAVENHURST - STREET - DAY

    Chris Isaak song "Except The New Girl" continues.

    An idling cab sits waiting with back door open.

    CUT TO:

    COURTYARD - 1612 HAVENHURST DAY

    Chris Isaak song segues to the sounds of a blues saxophone.

    Betty and Rita come out of Aunt Ruth's apartment. Betty is
    laughing, pulling on Rita.

    BETTY
    C'mom. There's nothing to be afraid of.

    Across the courtyard CORNELL DUMONT, a strikingly handsome
    young black musician, is on his balcony playing the
    saxophone. He stops playing when he sees the girls. He
    stands and looks as if recognizing someone.


    CORNELL DUMONT
    Hey!


    Betty and Rita stop and look up, shielding their eyes from
    the sun.
    CORNELL DUMONT (cont'd)
    Hey, how's Sol?

    BETTY
    Sol?

    CORNELL DUMONT
    No ... not you...
    (to Rita)
    I'm sorry... I forget your name.

    RITA
    (almost inaudible)
    Rita.

    CORNELL DUMONT
    Yeah. Well, I haven't seen Sol lately.
    Tell him to come by the club.

    Rita nods ... biting her lip. Cornell smiles and picks up his
    sax.

    BETTY
    And what's your name?

    CORNELL DUMONT
    (big smile)
    Cornell Dumont.

    He begins to blow some sweet jazz that flows smooth as syrup.

    BETTY
    (whispering)
    Ask him who Sol is ...

    Rita hurriedly starts for the gate.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    Maybe he could help...

    Betty follows Rita through the gate to the waiting cab. They
    get in and the cab pulls away.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Cornell Dumont, a musician, greets Betty and Rita from his balcony. He asks about a friend named Sol, but Betty and Rita don't know him. Betty tries to ask Cornell more about Sol, but Rita gets in a cab and leaves, prompting Betty to follow her.
    Strengths
    • Effective tension and conflict
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Mysterious and intriguing elements
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of resolution to conflicts

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds tension through the argument between Betty and Rita, and the encounter with Cornell Dumont adds a sense of mystery and intrigue. The dialogue is engaging and the scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and conflicts.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of rehearsing a scene that mirrors the tension between Betty and Rita adds depth to their relationship and foreshadows future conflicts. The introduction of Cornell Dumont as a potential source of information adds a new layer of mystery to the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty and Rita rehearsing a scene and encountering Cornell Dumont. The tension between Betty and Rita escalates, and the encounter with Cornell Dumont raises questions about Sol and his connection to the story.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar, the use of music and the mysterious conversation about Sol adds a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their conflict is believable. Cornell Dumont is introduced as a mysterious character who may hold important information. The dialogue between the characters is engaging and reveals their personalities.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the tension and conflict between Betty and Rita reveal aspects of their personalities and motivations. Rita's manipulation of Betty and Betty's willingness to resort to violence show their darker sides.

    Internal Goal: 7

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Rita's internal goal is to find Sol, as she is the one who is mentioned by Cornell Dumont and is in a hurry to leave. This goal reflects her deeper need for answers and her desire to solve the mystery surrounding Sol.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ask Cornell Dumont about Sol and see if he can help. This goal reflects the immediate circumstance of Rita's search for Sol and the challenge she faces in finding him.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict between Betty and Rita escalates throughout the scene, culminating in Betty threatening Rita with a knife. The encounter with Cornell Dumont adds a new layer of conflict and raises questions about Sol and his connection to the story.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is not strong. While there is a small obstacle of Rita not knowing who Sol is and Cornell Dumont forgetting her name, it is not a major conflict that creates high stakes or suspense.

    High Stakes: 7

    The stakes in the scene are relatively high, as Betty threatens to kill Rita and the encounter with Cornell Dumont may hold important information. The tension and conflict in the scene create a sense of danger and uncertainty.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene introduces new conflicts and information that move the story forward. The encounter with Cornell Dumont raises questions about Sol and his connection to the story, while the tension between Betty and Rita foreshadows future conflicts.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know who Sol is and how Cornell Dumont is connected to him. The mention of Sol and Rita's urgency to leave create a sense of mystery and uncertainty.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The tension and conflict in the scene evoke a range of emotions, including tension, fear, and intrigue. The scene also ends on a lighter note with Betty and Rita laughing at the melodramatic nature of their rehearsed scene.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension between Betty and Rita, as well as the intrigue of the encounter with Cornell Dumont. The dialogue reveals the characters' motivations and adds depth to the scene.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious character, Cornell Dumont, and raises questions about Sol and his connection to the characters. The dialogue and interaction between the characters create intrigue and curiosity.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and curiosity. The transition from Chris Isaak's song to the blues saxophone adds a smooth rhythm to the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location description, transitions to the characters' actions and dialogue, and ends with a cut to a new location.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with the continuation of the Chris Isaak song, which provides a smooth transition from the previous scene.
    • The introduction of Cornell Dumont, a strikingly handsome young black musician, adds an interesting element to the scene.
    • The dialogue between Cornell, Betty, and Rita is brief but intriguing, as Cornell mentions someone named Sol and Rita seems to have a connection to him.
    • The interaction between the characters is somewhat superficial and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
    • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or further development of the plot or characters.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding more depth and complexity to the interaction between Cornell, Betty, and Rita. This could involve exploring their relationships and motivations in more detail.
    • Provide more context and information about Sol, as his mention raises questions but is not fully explained.
    • Consider extending the scene to allow for a more meaningful exchange between the characters and to provide a clearer sense of purpose and direction.
    • Add a resolution or a hint of what is to come in order to create a sense of anticipation and keep the audience engaged.



    Scene 36 -  Suspicious Encounter
    INT. CAB - DAY

    Betty reaches and gently grabs Rita's shoulder. She speaks
    firmly but quietly so the cab driver won't hear.
    BETTY
    Why didn't you ask him? Sol knows you!

    RITA
    (whispering back)
    But I don't know, Sol. I never heard of
    Sol. I'd just get in trouble. That's why
    we shouldn't go see about Diane
    Selwyn... it's better not to get in
    trouble.

    BETTY
    You're not going to get in trouble.
    You're going to find out who you are.
    Finding out who you are gets you out of
    trouble.

    Rita thinks about this silently then begins to worry and
    doubt all over again.

    DISSOLVE TO:

    INT. CAB - LATER

    Betty holds the slip of paper with the address in her hand.
    She turns back and forth watching the buildings on both sides
    of the street.

    BETTY
    It should be around here...

    Rita watches out of the window pensively as the cab moves up
    Sierra Bonita. They near a modern apartment compound of
    bungalows and duplexes almost hidden in the trees and
    vegetation. A smooth stucco wall surrounds the complex.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    (points)
    That's it ... 2590.
    (nudging Rita)
    Does it look familiar?

    Rita shakes her head..no. Rita is looking at a black car
    parked down the street facing 2590. She discerns two men
    sitting in the front.

    RITA
    Don't stop!

    BETTY
    What is it? What do you see?!
    RITA
    (quietly - frantic)
    Those men in front, in the car.

    BETTY
    Do you know them?!

    RITA
    No... but...

    BETTY
    (to driver)
    Keep going. Go around to the back.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Betty and Rita travel in a cab, Betty pressures Rita to seek assistance from Sol despite Rita's reluctance. As they approach Rita's destination, Rita spots a suspicious black car parked nearby. She alerts Betty, and they decide to drive to the back entrance to avoid the car.
    Strengths
    • Building suspense and tension
    • Mysterious atmosphere
    • Engaging dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of resolution to the conflict

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events. The dialogue and character interactions contribute to the overall tension and mystery.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of Betty and Rita searching for answers about Rita's identity and potential danger adds depth and complexity to the story. It keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey.

    Plot: 8

    The plot progresses as Betty and Rita continue their search for answers, encountering potential threats along the way. The tension and mystery surrounding Rita's identity and the danger they may face create a compelling narrative.

    Originality: 7

    This scene has a moderate level of originality. While the situation of characters searching for someone and facing potential danger is familiar, the specific dynamics between Betty and Rita and their motivations add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations and fears. The scene also introduces other characters, such as Coco and Detective Neal Domgaard, who add depth to the story.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is no significant character change in this scene, the growing tension and mystery surrounding Rita's identity and the potential danger they may face contribute to the characters' development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Rita to continue their search for Diane Selwyn, despite her fears and doubts. This reflects Betty's desire to help Rita discover her true identity and escape from trouble.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find the address 2590 and potentially confront someone related to Diane Selwyn. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in their investigation.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict in the scene arises from Betty and Rita's search for answers and the potential danger they may encounter. The tension between the characters and the mysterious presence of the men in the car add to the conflict.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and suspense. The audience doesn't know how Rita's encounter with the men in the car will go, adding a level of difficulty for the characters.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high in this scene as Betty and Rita search for answers about Rita's identity and potential danger. The presence of the men in the car adds a sense of imminent danger.

    Story Forward: 8

    The scene moves the story forward by advancing Betty and Rita's search for answers and introducing potential threats. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Rita's encounter with the men in the car will unfold. It adds a sense of danger and suspense to the scene.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between taking risks to find the truth and avoiding trouble. Betty believes that finding out who you are gets you out of trouble, while Rita is more cautious and afraid of getting into trouble.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and anticipation in the audience. The characters' fears and doubts create an emotional connection, and the potential danger adds to the suspense.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and mystery of the scene. It reveals the characters' fears, doubts, and determination. The dialogue between Betty and Rita showcases their conflicting emotions and motivations.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it presents a mystery and raises questions about Rita's identity. The tension and uncertainty keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense. The dialogue and narrative description are concise and keep the scene moving at a steady pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions. It is well-presented and easy to read.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and narrative description. It effectively moves the story forward and maintains the audience's engagement.


    Critique
    • The dialogue in this scene is clear and effectively conveys the tension and uncertainty felt by both Betty and Rita.
    • The scene does a good job of building suspense and intrigue with the mention of Sol and the black car with two men.
    • The visual descriptions are concise and help to create a sense of urgency and danger.
    • However, the scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development.
    • The motivations and fears of both Betty and Rita could be explored further to create a stronger connection with the audience.
    • Additionally, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting.
    • Overall, the scene sets up an intriguing situation but could be improved with more emotional depth and sensory details.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions for both Betty and Rita to deepen their characters and create a stronger connection with the audience.
    • Explore the backstory of Sol and why Rita is hesitant to involve him in their search for Diane Selwyn.
    • Add more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting, such as the sounds and smells of the city or the feeling of tension in the cab.
    • Consider adding a moment of decision or action for Betty and Rita to further drive the plot and increase the stakes.
    • Overall, focus on developing the characters and their emotional journey to create a more engaging and impactful scene.



    Scene 37 -  Seeking Diane at Sierra Bonita
    EXT. SIERRA BONITA APARTMENT - BACK ALLEY - DAY

    Betty gets Rita out of the cab and pays the driver, who then
    drives away. The girls go through a rear gate and enter the
    complex walking along a curving concrete walk. This leads
    them to an intersection where a registry is printed on a
    rough hewn wooden plaque. They scan the list.

    BETTY
    Selwyn ... number 12.

    They both look around the various doors near them. Betty
    spots a sign which says, behind an arrow, bungalows #10
    through #20.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    It's this way.

    They set off down another sidewalk toward Bungalow #12. As
    they near it and actually can see it just ahead they pass a
    chainlink service gate to the alley. Standing in the alley is
    a man in a dark suit wearing sunglasses.

    Both girls dive for the bushes.

    The man in the black suit turns reacting to the noise and
    motion. Both girls are trying to catch their breath and stay
    as still and quiet as possible.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    (panting whisper)
    Now, you've got me scared.

    Peering through the bushes they see the man still looking in
    their direction. Suddenly he turns and smiles at something
    to his left.
    He hurries off, but soon returns carrying two heavy
    suitcases, followed by an older woman in a yellow dress.
    Both Betty and Rita crawl further forward. They see the limo
    and realize that the man they were afraid of is an ordinary
    limousine driver just going about his work. The girls stand
    up, relieved and a little embarrassed.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    See, I told you there was nothing to be
    afraid of!

    They go up to Bungalow #12 and stand for a moment facing the
    front door.

    RITA
    Oh no ... don't.

    Betty doesn't listen to Rita. She knocks strongly on the
    door. They stand waiting. There's no answer so Betty knocks
    again harder. They wait.

    RITA (cont'd)
    No one's ...

    Suddenly the door opens. An attractive MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    stands before them.

    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    Yes?

    BETTY
    Diane?

    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    Number 17.

    BETTY
    But it said #12.

    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    I switched apartments with her. She's in
    #17. Just walk down that way. It's just
    to the right.

    The woman seems to be looking now at Rita.

    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN (cont'd)
    It's kind of hidden by the foliage.

    Betty and Rita start to leave.
    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN (cont'd)
    She hasn't been around for a few days ...


    BETTY
    Well ... we'll leave her a note.

    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    (starting toward them)
    I'll go with you. She's still got some of
    my stuff.

    The phone rings from inside her bungalow.

    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN (cont'd)
    (turning back)
    Oh ... go ahead. I've got to get that.

    The woman hurries back inside and closes the door. Betty and
    Rita quickly move up the walkway toward Bungalow #17.

    BETTY
    I guess you're not Diane.

    Rita, still fighting her fear doesn't answer.

    They reach Bungalow #17. It's set back beneath tall bushes
    and an old Eucalyptus tree. The front door is in deep shadow.
    Without even looking at Rita Betty knocks quickly. There's no
    answer. She knocks again.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    Still not home I guess.

    The girls drift off to the side of the bungalow. Betty tries
    to see in the windows. She tries a window and to her surprise
    it opens.

    RITA
    I don't think...

    BETTY
    (looking around for anyone
    watching)
    C'mon help me in. I'll open the front
    door.

    RITA
    No.

    Betty jumps up and catches her knees on the siding, her head
    through the open window.

    BETTY
    PUSH!!!


    Rita reluctantly pushes and Betty is in. As she closes the
    window ...

    BETTY (cont'd)
    Meet you at the door.

    Rita walks around to the front door and gets there just as
    Betty opens it. Betty has her hand over her mouth and nose.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    I don't know if you want to come in here
    or not. There's some kind of horrible
    smell like... something...

    Rita is compelled to go in and as the door clicks shut she
    reacts to the smell.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Betty and Rita arrive at Sierra Bonita and find that Diane has moved. They meet a middle-aged woman who offers to help them retrieve her belongings from bungalow 17. Betty enters through a window while Rita stays outside. Betty discovers a horrible smell within the apartment.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Surprising twist at the end
    • Effective use of setting
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal character development
    • Limited dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the girls' fear of the man in the black suit and the discovery of the strange smell in the apartment. The twist at the end adds an unexpected element to the scene.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of Betty and Rita exploring a hidden apartment complex and encountering a mysterious man is intriguing and adds suspense to the scene.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of Betty and Rita searching for someone in the apartment complex and discovering a strange smell adds intrigue and suspense to the scene.

    Originality: 4

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and actions are fairly common and do not present any fresh approaches or unique elements. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and believable, but not particularly original.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    Betty and Rita's fear and curiosity drive the scene, and their reactions to the man and the smell add depth to their characters.

    Character Changes: 5

    There is minimal character change in the scene, as Betty and Rita's fear and curiosity remain consistent.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find Diane and deliver a message. This reflects her desire to complete the task she has been given and her determination to overcome any obstacles.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to locate Bungalow #12 and find Diane. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the apartment complex and finding the correct location.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 7

    The conflict in the scene arises from the girls' fear of the man in the black suit and the discovery of the strange smell in the apartment.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate, with the presence of the man in the dark suit initially creating a sense of danger and conflict. However, the resolution of the scene reveals that the man is not a threat.

    High Stakes: 6

    The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Betty and Rita fear for their safety and encounter a strange smell in the apartment.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new location and adding to the mystery surrounding the hidden apartment complex.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the presence of the man in the dark suit initially creates a sense of danger and uncertainty. However, the resolution of the scene is relatively predictable, with the man turning out to be an ordinary limousine driver.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene evokes tension and fear in the audience, but the emotional impact is not particularly strong.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effectively conveys the fear and curiosity of the characters.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it presents a mystery and suspenseful situation, with the protagonist facing obstacles and unexpected developments.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The actions and dialogue are paced well, with moments of suspense and anticipation.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters' goals, and progresses the narrative in a logical and coherent manner.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Betty and Rita arriving at the Sierra Bonita Apartment complex. The description of their actions and surroundings is clear and concise, allowing the reader to visualize the scene easily.
    • The tension builds when the girls spot a man in a dark suit standing in the alley. The use of the bushes as a hiding place adds to the suspense.
    • However, the resolution of this tension is too abrupt. The man turns out to be an ordinary limousine driver, which feels anticlimactic and doesn't provide a satisfying payoff for the buildup of tension.
    • The interaction with the Middle-Aged Woman is brief and doesn't add much to the scene. It could be expanded to create more intrigue and mystery.
    • The dialogue between Betty and Rita is minimal and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their thoughts and emotions more, especially considering the tense situation they find themselves in.
    • The discovery of the switched apartments and the mention of Diane's absence could be used to create more suspense and curiosity about Diane's whereabouts.
    • The scene ends with the phone ringing, which could have been used as a cliffhanger to leave the audience wanting more.
    • Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more tension, character development, and a stronger resolution.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding more suspense and mystery to the scene by expanding on the interaction with the Middle-Aged Woman. This could include hints about Diane's disappearance and create more intrigue.
    • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Rita to explore their thoughts and emotions in the tense situation. This will help the audience connect with the characters and increase their investment in the scene.
    • Use the phone ringing as a cliffhanger to create anticipation and leave the audience wanting more. This could be achieved by ending the scene right after the phone rings, without revealing who is calling or what the conversation is about.
    • Consider adding more visual and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. This could include descriptions of the smell, the lighting, and the overall mood.
    • Think about ways to heighten the tension and create a stronger resolution. This could involve introducing a new obstacle or complication that the characters have to overcome before reaching their goal.



    Scene 38 -  Deadly Discovery
    INT. - BUNGALOW #17 - DAY

    Betty begins to go through the bungalow and Rita follows.
    All the blinds are closed and the curtains drawn. They move
    slowly, looking around at everything as they go. Betty looks
    to Rita to see if any of this is something she remembers.
    Rita looks as though she's walking in a trance. Through the
    half light they move deeper into the bungalow to a corridor.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. SIERRA BONITA APARTMENTS - BUNGALOW #12 - DAY

    The Middle-Aged Woman is just shutting the door to her
    bungalow. She walks quickly in the direction of Bungalow
    #17.

    CUT TO:

    INT. - BUNGALOW #17 - DAY

    Betty and Rita are moving down the corridor. They pass a
    small room and look in at a couch, wardrobe and make-up
    table. They move on down the corridor to a door which is
    almost closed. Betty touches the door and it seems to swing
    open on its own. They enter the room and stop cold. A scream
    starts to build inside Rita. Before them is a dead woman
    lying on a bed. Great chunks of mattress are standing upright
    having been ripped and torn by shotgun blasts. A dried sea of
    blood surrounds the bloated, gray body of the woman. The
    scream comes out of Rita as a force propelling her to look
    closer. Betty lunges after Rita, her eyes also not able to
    leave the sight. She covers Rita's mouth with her hand and
    brings her close. The scream is stifled by Betty's hand.

    In the silence that follows, knocking can be heard. Betty
    freezes and keeps Rita quiet with her hand still placed over
    her mouth, but she can't stop Rita's violent shaking nor the
    horror in her eyes.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Betty and Rita stumble upon a macabre scene as they explore a desolate bungalow, finding a woman's lifeless body riddled with shotgun blasts. Horrified silence gives way to frantic whispering when a persistent knocking shatters their solitude, leaving them frozen with fear.
    Strengths
    • Creates suspense and shock
    • Engages the audience
    • Raises the stakes and adds mystery
    Weaknesses
    • Limited dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly effective in creating suspense and shock through its vivid description of the gruesome discovery. It successfully engages the audience and leaves them wanting to know more.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of discovering a dead body in a bungalow adds a new layer of mystery and raises the stakes for the characters. It introduces a new plot point that will likely have significant consequences for the story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot takes a significant turn with the discovery of the dead body. It adds a new element of danger and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of discovering a dead body in a mysterious location is not entirely unique, the specific details and imagery used to describe the scene, such as the ripped mattress and dried sea of blood, add a fresh and unsettling element. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality as well.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters' reactions to the horrifying discovery are realistic and heighten the tension in the scene. However, their personalities and development are not the primary focus in this particular moment.

    Character Changes: 7

    The discovery of the dead body has a significant impact on the characters, particularly Rita, who experiences a moment of horror and shock. This event may lead to further character development and changes in their actions and motivations.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to investigate the bungalow and uncover the truth behind the dead woman. This reflects their curiosity, determination, and potentially their desire for justice or resolution.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to remain quiet and hidden as they hear knocking outside the room. This reflects the immediate challenge of avoiding detection and potentially danger.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is intense, as the characters are confronted with a horrifying and potentially dangerous situation. The discovery of the dead body raises the stakes and creates a sense of imminent danger.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of remaining quiet and hidden while hearing knocking outside the room. The audience is unsure of what will happen and whether the protagonist will be discovered.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as the characters are confronted with a horrifying and potentially dangerous situation. The discovery of the dead body raises the stakes and adds a sense of urgency to the story.

    Story Forward: 9

    The discovery of the dead body propels the story forward by introducing a new mystery and raising the stakes for the characters. It adds a new layer of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know what will happen next. The presence of the dead woman and the knocking outside the room create a sense of uncertainty and tension.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, shock, and tension through its vivid description of the dead body and the characters' reactions. It leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue in this scene is minimal, with most of the impact coming from the visual description of the dead body. However, the characters' reactions and brief exchanges contribute to the overall suspense and shock.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery, suspense, and horror. The discovery of the dead woman and the protagonist's reaction, as well as the knocking outside the room, keep the audience on the edge of their seats, wanting to know what will happen next.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and tension. The slow and deliberate movements of the characters, as well as the use of cuts between different locations, create a sense of anticipation and unease.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and organized. The scene is easy to read and understand.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the bungalow, followed by a series of cuts between different locations within the bungalow. The scene builds suspense and ends with a cliffhanger moment.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and suspense. The buildup to the discovery of the dead woman feels rushed and lacks proper pacing.
    • The description of the dead woman and the aftermath of the shotgun blasts could be more vivid and impactful. The language used to describe the scene could be more evocative and visceral.
    • The reaction of Betty and Rita to the gruesome sight could be more intense and emotionally charged. Their actions and dialogue in response to the discovery could be more authentic and reflective of their shock and horror.
    • The transition from the discovery of the dead woman to the knocking sound feels abrupt and disjointed. There could be a smoother transition or a more seamless connection between these two moments.
    • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the reader in the environment and enhance the atmosphere of suspense and dread.
    Suggestions
    • Consider building more tension and suspense leading up to the discovery of the dead woman. This could be achieved through careful pacing, foreshadowing, and the use of atmospheric details.
    • Revise the description of the dead woman and the aftermath of the shotgun blasts to create a more vivid and visceral image. Use language that engages the reader's senses and elicits a strong emotional response.
    • Explore the emotional and psychological impact of the gruesome sight on Betty and Rita. Show their shock, horror, and struggle to process what they are seeing in a more nuanced and realistic way.
    • Find a smoother and more seamless transition between the discovery of the dead woman and the knocking sound. Consider using a narrative device or a visual cue to create a stronger connection between these two moments.
    • Add more sensory details to the scene to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the reader in the environment. Use descriptions of sounds, smells, and textures to create a more vivid and immersive reading experience.



    Scene 39 -  Betty Calms Rita
    EXT. BUNGALOW #17 - DAY

    The Middle-Aged Woman backs away from the front door, looking
    around at bungalow #17. She's not sure if she has heard
    something or not. She wonders, then turns and goes back to
    her bungalow.

    Just as she has disappeared the door to Bungalow #17 flies
    open and Rita, followed closely behind by Betty, runs with a
    look of horror directly toward us until her tortured face
    fills the screen.

    Sounds, churning music.

    CUT TO:

    INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY

    Sounds, music churning continues.

    Great sobs, almost hysterical, wrack Rita's body as she bends
    over the sink, scissoring into her long, dark hair with a
    frenzy. There is a loud sound of the scissors cutting deep
    through many strands of hair. Betty's is rushing to her -
    her hands reach tenderly, but firmly for Rita's hand holding
    the scissors. She keeps her from cutting and moves closer,
    whispering in Rita's ear. Rita can't stop crying, but lets
    Betty hold her. Music changes ...

    BETTY
    Rita... I know what you're doing.

    RITA
    (through uncontrollable sobs)
    What ... I..HAVE... to do.

    BETTY
    I know what you have to do, but let me do
    it.

    Rita turns and looks up at Betty, her eyes red with crying.
    Betty pulls her up facing her. Rita lets Betty take the
    scissors. They look into each other's eyes. Betty gently
    strokes Rita's cheek, wiping away some tears.


    BETTY (cont'd)
    Let me do it.

    DISSOLVE TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Rita hysterically runs out of her apartment in distress, wanting to cut her hair. Betty takes the scissors and comforts Rita, convincing her to let Betty do it.
    Strengths
    • Effective creation of horror and suspense
    • Strong emotional impact
    • Well-developed characters
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively creates a sense of horror and suspense through the discovery of the dead body. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' reactions and the tense atmosphere.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of discovering a gruesome scene adds a layer of mystery and suspense to the story. It raises questions about the identity of the dead woman and the circumstances surrounding her death.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty and Rita's discovery of the dead body and their subsequent reactions. It adds a new element of danger and intrigue to the story.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character cutting their hair in distress is not entirely unique, the specific circumstances and the emotional depth portrayed by the characters add authenticity and freshness to the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their emotional turmoil is effectively portrayed. Their reactions to the gruesome scene add depth to their personalities.

    Character Changes: 7

    The characters of Betty and Rita experience a significant change in their emotional state due to the shocking discovery. It adds depth to their character arcs.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace or relief from her emotional turmoil. She is overwhelmed with sadness and is seeking some form of release or catharsis.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that she is trying to cope with a difficult situation or personal struggle.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict in the scene arises from the shocking discovery of the dead body and the characters' emotional reactions. It creates a sense of danger and raises questions about the plot.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there is a sense of internal struggle and emotional turmoil, there are no external obstacles or conflicts that create uncertainty or tension.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in the scene as the characters are confronted with a gruesome and potentially dangerous situation. It adds tension and raises the stakes for the overall story.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element of danger and mystery. It raises questions and adds complexity to the plot.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a moment of distress and turmoil without explicitly revealing the cause or resolution. The audience is left wondering about the circumstances leading to the characters' emotional state.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene has a high emotional impact due to the characters' reactions to the gruesome discovery. It evokes fear, sadness, and tension in the audience.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue in the scene is minimal, mainly consisting of Betty comforting Rita. However, it effectively conveys the characters' emotions and adds to the tension of the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a highly emotional and intense moment in the characters' lives. The audience is drawn into the turmoil and struggles of the protagonist, creating a sense of empathy and curiosity.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building up the emotional intensity. The use of descriptive language and the characters' actions create a rhythm that enhances the impact of the scene.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior shot, transitions to an interior location, and focuses on the emotional turmoil of the characters.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with the Middle-Aged Woman backing away from the front door, but it is not clear why she is doing so or what she has heard. This creates confusion for the audience and leaves them wondering about the significance of her actions.
    • The transition from the Middle-Aged Woman to Rita running with a look of horror is abrupt and lacks a smooth connection. It would be helpful to have a clearer transition or a bridge between the two shots to maintain coherence.
    • The use of churning music and sounds is effective in creating a sense of tension and horror, but it would be beneficial to provide more context or explanation for the choice of music and its connection to the scene.
    • Rita's actions in the bathroom, cutting her hair with frenzy, are emotionally charged and convey her distress. However, the scene could benefit from more clarity and depth in exploring Rita's emotional state and the reasons behind her actions.
    • The dialogue between Betty and Rita is minimal and lacks depth. It would be helpful to have a more meaningful conversation between the two characters to provide insight into their relationship and the significance of the hair-cutting scene.
    • The transition from Betty holding Rita to the dissolve is abrupt and leaves the audience wanting more resolution or closure to the scene.
    • Overall, the scene has potential to be emotionally impactful and suspenseful, but it needs further development and clarity in order to fully engage the audience.
    Suggestions
    • Provide more context and explanation for the Middle-Aged Woman's actions and their significance in the scene.
    • Create a smoother transition between the Middle-Aged Woman and Rita running with a look of horror.
    • Further explore the connection between the churning music and the emotions of the scene.
    • Develop Rita's emotional state and the reasons behind her hair-cutting actions to provide more depth and clarity.
    • Expand the dialogue between Betty and Rita to provide insight into their relationship and the significance of the hair-cutting scene.
    • Consider adding a resolution or closure to the scene to provide a sense of completion for the audience.



    Scene 40 -  An Uncanny Reflection
    INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - LATER - DAY

    Panning slowly across we see on the bathroom counter various
    open bottles, used Q-tips, towels, combs, a brush, a bowl,
    and lots of long strands of cut black hair. We continue
    moving up to an empty mirror and eerie music builds. The
    reflection of the new Rita moves into the mirror. She has
    short, beautiful blonde hair, blonde eyebrows and no make-up.
    Betty's reflection comes in beside Rita's. They stare at the
    new Rita in the mirror.

    BETTY
    (quietly with assurance)
    You look like someone else.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. COURTYARD 1612 HAVENHURST - LATE EVENING - ALMOST
    DARK

    We move off the door of Aunt Ruth's apartment and crane
    slowly up to the apartment above hers - WILKINS - the one
    with the wayward dog. We move closer to Wilkins' apartment
    and as we move in we hear a phone ringing.

    DISSOLVE TO:

    INT. WILKINS' APARTMENT - A MOMENT LATER

    Wilkins still in his pajamas, bathrobe and slippers from
    morning slouches in an enormous stuffed chair and matching
    ottoman, surrounded by piles of papers and coffee cups. His
    Jack Russell Terrier wakes and stands at the sound of the
    phone ringing on a side table next to Wilkins. Wilkins comes
    out of a deep thought and picks up the receiver as he runs
    his hand through strange, matted tufts of dirty blonde hair.

    WILKINS
    Hello. Adam. How's it going? No, it's
    okay. Yeah, I'm working, but... they
    wanted this script a week ago. What?
    What's wrong with your house? The
    poolman? Sure, you can have the couch.
    No, it's no problem..it's just I
    gotta ... I gotta work. Any chance you
    could bring some food. No, I got plenty
    of money - I just haven't gone out for
    awhile. Groovy man!


    WILKINS (cont'd)
    Murphy and I'll be glad to see you. No,
    no, no, he's got plenty of food.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary In an eerie apartment, Rita's reflection transforms, startling Betty. Upstairs, Wilkins arranges for his friend Adam to bring food amidst the chaos of his untidy apartment.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Creating an eerie atmosphere
    • Engaging the audience with a mysterious discovery
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the discovery of the dead woman and the eerie atmosphere.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of uncovering a mysterious crime scene adds depth to the overall story.

    Plot: 8

    The plot progresses as Betty and Rita stumble upon the dead woman and are faced with a shocking and dangerous situation.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are not particularly unique, the way the scene is described and the atmosphere created contribute to its originality. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the overall originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    Betty and Rita's reactions to the discovery showcase their fear and uncertainty, adding depth to their characters.

    Character Changes: 6

    Betty and Rita's characters are further developed as they react to the discovery and their fear.

    Internal Goal: 7

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Betty is trying to understand the new Rita's identity and figure out if she is someone else. This reflects Betty's deeper need for truth and her fear of deception.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it can be inferred that Wilkins is trying to work on a script and is facing a deadline. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing as a writer.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict arises from the dangerous situation Betty and Rita find themselves in, with the presence of the dead woman and the unknown assailant.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. While there are some obstacles and challenges faced by the characters, they are not presented in a way that creates high stakes or uncertainty.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as Betty and Rita are faced with a dangerous situation and the unknown identity of the assailant.

    Story Forward: 8

    The discovery of the dead woman propels the story forward, leading to further investigation and potential danger.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the appearance of the new Rita and the phone call to Wilkins. These elements add intrigue and keep the audience guessing.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a sense of fear and unease, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue is minimal in this scene, focusing more on the visual and atmospheric elements.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it sets up a mystery and introduces intriguing characters. The dialogue and descriptive language create a sense of anticipation and make the audience curious about what will happen next.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and intrigue. The slow panning shots and the pauses in dialogue create a sense of anticipation.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and their actions in a clear and coherent manner.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a slow pan across the bathroom counter, showing various items and strands of cut hair. This visual description sets the eerie tone of the scene and creates a sense of anticipation. However, the purpose of this scene is not clear. It seems to be focused on the reflection of the new Rita in the mirror, but it is not clear what this reflection signifies or how it relates to the overall story.
    • The dialogue between Betty and Rita is minimal and lacks depth. Betty's comment that Rita looks like someone else is intriguing, but it is not explored further. The scene ends abruptly with a cut to another location, leaving the audience with unanswered questions.
    • The transition to Wilkins' apartment feels disjointed and does not flow smoothly from the previous scene. The phone call between Wilkins and Adam seems unrelated to the previous events and does not contribute to the development of the story or characters.
    • The scene lacks a clear purpose and does not advance the plot or reveal important information about the characters. It feels disconnected from the rest of the screenplay and leaves the audience confused and unsatisfied.
    • The visual descriptions in the scene are effective in creating a sense of unease and mystery, but they are not supported by a strong narrative or character development.
    Suggestions
    • Clarify the purpose of the scene and its relevance to the overall story. What is the significance of the new Rita's reflection in the mirror? How does it impact the characters and their journey?
    • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Rita to provide more insight into their relationship and the mystery surrounding Rita's identity. Explore Betty's comment about Rita looking like someone else and its implications.
    • Consider a smoother transition between the bathroom scene and Wilkins' apartment. Connect the two locations thematically or narratively to create a stronger sense of continuity.
    • Ensure that each scene contributes to the plot, character development, or thematic exploration. Cut or revise scenes that do not serve a clear purpose or add value to the story.
    • Balance the visual descriptions with a compelling narrative and well-developed characters. Use the visuals to enhance the storytelling and create a cohesive and engaging experience for the audience.



    Scene 41 -  A Helping Hand
    INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

    Rita has just taken the hatbox from the closet shelf and is
    setting it on the bed.

    BETTY
    What are you doing?

    Betty is sitting on the bed opposite. Rita opens the hatbox
    and removes her purse. She opens the purse and takes out the
    money. She sits down on the bed and while staring at the
    money she thinks of what to say.

    RITA
    You've been so good to me ... now we know
    why ... why I was so afraid. We know what
    kind of trouble I'm in. I shouldn't...
    ask you... I only have this to offer.
    I'll give you this if I can stay here for
    awhile. I don't know what else to do.

    Betty moves across the bed to the side of Rita. She puts her
    arm around Rita and holds her.

    BETTY
    Rita... I want you to stay here and you
    don't have to give me that money.

    RITA
    But I want to.

    BETTY
    No. We shouldn't touch that money. We
    don't know about that money. That might
    be dangerous money. You have to start all
    over again. You look like a brand new
    person and you can be a brand new
    person... whoever you want to be.

    RITA
    It sounds kind of nice ... being somebody
    brand new.

    BETTY
    Hey, let's introduce the brand new you to
    Hollywood. We haven't seen the roof
    garden yet.

    CUT TO:
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Rita, desperate for protection, offers money to Betty. Betty, compassionate, refuses the money and offers Rita a chance to start over with her support. Rita agrees to let Betty introduce her to Hollywood.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Emotional connection between characters
    • Mystery and intrigue
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the dialogue and actions of the characters. It also introduces a significant plot development and reveals the depth of Betty and Rita's relationship.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of Betty and Rita discovering a dead body in the bungalow adds a layer of mystery and danger to the story. It raises questions about the identity of the victim and the potential danger they may be in.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty and Rita's revelation of the dangerous situation Rita is in and the discovery of the dead body. It moves the story forward and raises the stakes for the characters.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of someone seeking shelter and offering money is not entirely unique, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds freshness to the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The scene focuses on the emotional connection between Betty and Rita, highlighting Betty's support and concern for Rita. It also introduces the mysterious and potentially dangerous character of Diane, whose presence adds intrigue to the story.

    Character Changes: 8

    Rita experiences a significant change in this scene as she opens up to Betty about her fears and offers her money to stay. Betty also shows growth as she reassures Rita and encourages her to start anew.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a safe place to stay and start over. It reflects her deeper need for security, her fear of the trouble she's in, and her desire to escape her current situation.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to offer money in exchange for staying in Aunt Ruth's apartment. It reflects the immediate circumstance of needing a place to stay and the challenge of convincing Aunt Ruth to let her stay.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    The conflict in the scene arises from Rita's dangerous situation and Betty's concern for her. The discovery of the dead body adds another layer of conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

    Opposition: 4

    The opposition in this scene is not strong. While there is some initial hesitation from Betty, it is quickly resolved and there is no significant obstacle for the protagonist to overcome.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in this scene as Betty and Rita confront the dangerous situation Rita is in and discover a dead body. Their lives are potentially at risk, and the mystery surrounding Diane adds to the sense of danger.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing the dangerous situation Rita is in and introducing the mystery surrounding Diane. It raises questions and creates anticipation for the next developments.

    Unpredictability: 5

    This scene is somewhat predictable as it follows a common trope of a character seeking shelter. However, the specific details and the characters' emotional journey add some unpredictability.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions through the bond between Betty and Rita and the danger they face. The discovery of the dead body also creates a sense of shock and fear.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and concerns of the characters. It also reveals important information about the plot and the characters' relationships.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it focuses on the emotional connection between the characters and their shared vulnerability. The audience is drawn into their conversation and invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 7

    The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the emotional weight of the characters' conversation. It allows for moments of reflection and connection.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Rita taking the hatbox from the closet shelf and setting it on the bed. It is not clear why she is doing this or what the significance of the hatbox is. This lack of context makes the scene confusing for the audience.
    • The dialogue between Betty and Rita is somewhat vague and lacks specificity. It is not clear what kind of trouble Rita is in or why she is afraid. This lack of clarity makes it difficult for the audience to fully understand and empathize with the characters.
    • The dialogue also lacks depth and emotional resonance. The conversation between Betty and Rita about the money feels superficial and does not fully explore the emotional weight of the situation. This scene could benefit from more nuanced and emotionally charged dialogue.
    • The scene ends abruptly with a cut to another location, which feels jarring and disrupts the flow of the scene. It would be more effective to end the scene with a moment of emotional resolution or a clear transition to the next scene.
    • Overall, this scene lacks clear objectives and conflicts for the characters. It is not clear what Betty and Rita are trying to achieve in this scene or what obstacles they are facing. This lack of clear goals and conflicts makes the scene feel aimless and unengaging.
    Suggestions
    • Provide more context and clarity about the hatbox and its significance in the scene. This will help the audience understand the characters' motivations and actions.
    • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Rita to be more specific and emotionally resonant. Explore the reasons behind Rita's fear and the implications of the money she offers. This will add depth and complexity to the scene.
    • Consider adding a moment of emotional resolution or a clear transition to the next scene at the end of this scene. This will help create a sense of closure and maintain the flow of the story.
    • Establish clear objectives and conflicts for the characters in this scene. What are Betty and Rita trying to achieve? What obstacles are they facing? This will make the scene more engaging and drive the story forward.



    Scene 42 -  Betty and Rita Arrive in Hollywood
    EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT

    The girls come out the front door ... Betty leading and pulling
    a much happier Rita along with her. They half run across the
    courtyard to stone steps under an Ivy covered eave.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. ROOF GARDEN - NIGHT

    The girls race up the stone steps toward us. Soon their wind-
    blown, smiling faces fill the screen as they look out. There
    before them are the lights of Hollywood with silhouetted
    palms, slow-moving theater kleig lights, and floating above
    it all the giant sign in the hills reading HOLLYWOOD.

    BETTY
    Here I am Hollywood! My name's Betty.

    A pause.

    BETTY (cont'd)
    (to Rita)
    Say it!

    RITA
    Here I am Hollywood! My name is ... Rita.

    They look out, maybe waiting for an answer blowing in the
    Santa Ana wind.

    CUT TO:

    INT. AUNT RUTH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - A MOMENT LATER

    We move in to the pile of money next to Rita's purse. Past
    that we move down inside Rita's purse. We see the Blue Key
    and move closer to it until it fills the screen.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT - HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT

    We drift along the red bricks past the payphone, along the
    wall until we come to the corner. Slowly we round the corner
    and move to a dark alley. There amongst the dumpsters and
    trash cans is the dark silhouette of a figure. We move closer
    to the figure. It is the bum and the bum sits. We move
    closer and the bum's face fills the screen. It's face is
    black with fungus. It's eyes turn and they seem to be red.

    THE END
    Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

    Summary Betty and Rita arrive in Hollywood and run up to a roof garden to take in the sights. They introduce themselves to the city, then the scene cuts to Aunt Ruth's apartment, where money and a key are shown. Finally, a mysterious figure is seen lurking in an alleyway.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Unexpected plot twist
    • Strong emotional impact
    Weaknesses
    • Limited dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding mystery. The discovery of the dead body adds a shocking and unexpected twist, heightening the stakes and leaving a lasting impact.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of uncovering a hidden crime and stumbling upon a dead body adds a layer of mystery and intrigue to the scene. It keeps the audience guessing and invested in the story.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Betty and Rita's search for Diane and their unexpected discovery of a dead body. It is well-paced, with each moment building upon the previous one and leading to a shocking climax.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of Hollywood is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Betty and Rita are well-developed and their reactions to the discovery of the dead body feel authentic and relatable. Their fear and shock add to the tension of the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this particular scene, the discovery of the dead body marks a turning point for Betty and Rita. It sets them on a path of danger and intrigue, leading to potential character development in future scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to announce their arrival in Hollywood and assert their identity. It reflects their desire for recognition and success in the entertainment industry.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that they want to make a name for themselves in Hollywood and achieve fame and success.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene arises from the discovery of the dead body and the characters' fear and uncertainty about what to do next. The presence of the unknown men in the black car adds an additional layer of conflict and danger.

    Opposition: 5

    The opposition in this scene is not strong. The characters face the challenge of making a name for themselves in Hollywood, but it is not a significant obstacle in this particular scene.

    High Stakes: 10

    The discovery of the dead body raises the stakes significantly. It introduces a sense of danger and urgency, as Betty and Rita must now navigate a potentially dangerous situation and unravel the mystery surrounding the crime.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up new challenges and obstacles for Betty and Rita to overcome.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the characters' journey in Hollywood will unfold.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly fear, shock, and suspense. The discovery of the dead body and the characters' reactions create a sense of unease and anticipation.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It conveys the characters' emotions and reactions without being overly verbose. The silence and suspenseful atmosphere also contribute to the overall impact of the scene.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it captures the characters' excitement and anticipation, and leaves the audience curious about what will happen next.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of energy and momentum as the characters race up the stone steps and look out at the lights of Hollywood.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in the correct format.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by character actions and dialogue, and ends with a closing shot.


    Critique
    • The transition from the bungalow scene to the roof garden scene feels abrupt and disjointed. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection between the two scenes.
    • The dialogue between Betty and Rita on the roof garden lacks depth and emotional resonance. It feels rushed and lacks the impact that such a pivotal moment should have.
    • The final shot of the bum with a black, fungus-covered face and red eyes feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It introduces a new element without proper context or explanation.
    • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of closure. It leaves the audience with unanswered questions and a feeling of incompleteness.
    Suggestions
    • Consider adding a transitional shot or moment between the bungalow scene and the roof garden scene to create a smoother flow and better connect the two.
    • Develop the dialogue between Betty and Rita on the roof garden to make it more emotionally impactful and meaningful. Explore their hopes, dreams, and fears in a deeper and more authentic way.
    • Reconsider the inclusion of the bum with the fungus-covered face and red eyes. If it is important to the story, provide more context and explanation to make it feel integrated and purposeful.
    • Provide a clearer resolution or sense of closure to the scene. Consider tying up loose ends or leaving the audience with a sense of satisfaction or anticipation for what comes next.