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Scene 1 -  Dean Pelton's Inspirational Speech
EXT. COURTYARD - DAY

The campus of a large but humble community college a few
miles from your home. Cambridge bells chime.

Actually, the bells are playing on an old boom box, which is
now stopped by Dean PELTON [40s, rotund], who is holding a
microphone hooked up to it. He is on a small stage at the
front of the courtyard.

He starts to speak into the microphone, realizes it’s not
working and fiddles with the boombox switches. He begins to
speak, but a Busta Rhymes cd starts playing instead:

BUSTA RHYMES
(on cd)
Yo. I’m high as hell right now,
and I’m about to bust your ass
open, but first -

Pelton, an apparently humorless man, frantically figures out
how to stop the cd, then addresses the students.

PELTON
Good morning. Many of you are
halfway through your first week
here at Greendale and, as dean, I
thought I would share a word of
inspiration.

Pelton reads from a small stack of index cards:

PELTON (CONT’D)
What is Community College? Well,
you’ve heard all kinds of things.
You’ve heard it’s “loser college”
for young people who couldn’t make
the cut at a university.

ANNIE [18, tightly wound, sweater vest] is walking through
the courtyard when she hears this, causing her to stop.

TROY [18, letter jacket, All American], is seated on a bench
with a breakfast burrito. He looks up, a little put-off.

PELTON (CONT’D)
It’s “halfway school” for
twentysomething dropouts, crawling
back to society with unskilled
tails between their legs.
2.

BRITTA [late 20s, sweatshirt, pony tail, unadorned and
accidentally hot], is interrupted in her confident stride by
what she’s hearing. She stops and looks as if called by
name.

PELTON (CONT’D)
A tax-funded self esteem workshop
for newly divorced housewives
piecing together shattered
identities,

SHIRLEY [early 40s, shy, modest 90s attire], was briskly
crossing the courtyard, eyes cast downward. She stops and
looks toward the stage.

PELTON (CONT’D)
and old people hoping to keep their
minds active as they circle the
drain of eternity.

PIERCE [50s, prescription sunglasses, turtleneck, sport
jacket], was talking to a group of young people, but stops.

In fact, Pelton now has the undivided attention of most of
the pedestrians in the courtyard.

PELTON (CONT’D)
That’s what you’ve heard. However:

He flips to the next index card.

PELTON (CONT’D)
I wish you luck. Wait -

Confused, Pelton flips through his cards as the slightly
deflated students resume their activity. Pelton calls out to
them.

PELTON (CONT’D)
There was... a middle part of that
speech, if you see a card...

Walking amongst the rest of the students and not thrilled to
be doing so: JEFF Crocker, [30s, well dressed, dashing but
rough around the edges]. He is paced and orbited by ABED
[20s, Arabic, “geek chic” Weezer fan clothes], who seems
generally intrigued by everything all the time.

ABED
I’m only half Arabic, actually, my
Dad is Palestinian, I mean, he’s a
U.S.
(MORE)
3.
ABED (CONT'D)
Citizen and he’s not a threat to
national security or anything, a
lot of people want to know that
after they meet him, because he has
an angry energy, but not like angry
at America, just angry at my Mom
for leaving him, although she did
leave because he was angry, and he
was angry because she was American.
My name’s Abed, by the way.

JEFF
Abed, nice to know you, and then
meet you, in that order. Now about
that question I had.

ABED
Oh.
(looks at watch)
Five after eleven. When you asked.

JEFF
Thanks. I’ll talk to you in a few
months, if that’s cool.

ABED
Oh. Few months. Okay.

Abed starts to walk away but Jeff puts a hand on his
shoulder.

JEFF
Hey, let me ask you.

Jeff pulls Abed closer and indicates someone in the distance:
It’s Britta, heading into the cafeteria.

JEFF (CONT’D)
The hot girl from Spanish class,
what’s her deal, I can’t find a
road in there.

ABED
Well, I’ve only talked to her once
while she was borrowing a pencil,
but her name’s Britta, she’s 28,
birthday in October, she has two
older brothers and one of them
works with children who have a
disorder I might want to look up.
Oh, and she thinks she’s going to
flunk tomorrow’s quiz so she really
needs to focus and she’s sorry if
that makes her seem cold.
4.

JEFF
Abed, I see your value, now.

ABED
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s
ever said to me.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary Dean Pelton attempts to give an inspirational speech to the students at Greendale Community College, but struggles with technical difficulties and a lack of preparedness. Meanwhile, various characters including Annie, Troy, Britta, Shirley, and Pierce react to his words. Jeff and Abed have a brief conversation about a girl from their Spanish class. The scene takes place in the courtyard of Greendale Community College during the day. There are no significant conflicts in this scene. The tone of this scene is comedic and lighthearted. Dean Pelton attempts to give an inspirational speech, but struggles with technical difficulties and a lack of preparedness. Jeff and Abed have a brief conversation about a girl from their Spanish class. The scene ends with Jeff and Abed's conversation about the girl from their Spanish class.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Distinct character introductions
  • Satirical commentary
Weaknesses
  • Low emotional impact
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the tone and humor of the show, introduces multiple characters with distinct personalities, and sets up potential conflicts and storylines.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a community college as a diverse and quirky environment is well-executed, providing opportunities for humor and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene is primarily focused on introducing the characters and their initial reactions to the dean's speech. It sets up potential conflicts and storylines for future episodes.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar (community college, diverse group of students), the dialogue and humor bring a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene introduces a diverse group of characters with distinct personalities and potential for growth and development. Each character has unique traits and motivations that contribute to the humor and conflicts of the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily serves as an introduction to the characters and their initial reactions. However, it sets up potential character arcs and growth in future episodes.

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Annie's internal goal is to prove herself and overcome the negative stereotypes associated with community college. This reflects her deeper need for validation and her fear of being seen as a failure.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but it can be inferred that it is to navigate the challenges and stereotypes of community college and find her place within the college community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is relatively low, primarily focused on the characters' reactions to the dean's speech. However, it sets up potential conflicts and tensions between characters in future episodes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces the opposition of the negative stereotypes associated with community college, but it is not a major obstacle that the audience is unsure of how it will go.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it primarily focuses on humor and character introductions. However, it sets up potential higher stakes and conflicts in future episodes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the characters, their motivations, and potential conflicts. It sets up future storylines and establishes the tone and humor of the show.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the dean's humorous speech and the protagonist's reactions to the stereotypes associated with community college.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of the scene is relatively low, as it primarily focuses on humor and satire. However, it establishes the potential for emotional growth and connections between characters in future episodes.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and sarcastic, effectively establishing the tone of the show. It reveals character traits and sets up potential conflicts and dynamics between characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces interesting characters, uses humor to create a light-hearted tone, and sets up potential conflicts and challenges for the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective as it moves at a steady pace, allowing for the introduction of characters and the establishment of the setting without feeling rushed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters, and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a description of the setting, but it doesn't really add anything to the story. It could be cut down or eliminated altogether.
  • The introduction of Dean Pelton and his struggle with the boombox is a bit cliché and predictable. It doesn't add much to the story and could be shortened.
  • The dialogue between Pelton and the students is a bit heavy-handed and on-the-nose. It's clear that Pelton is trying to inspire the students, but the way he goes about it is a bit too obvious.
  • The reactions of the various characters are a bit too stereotypical. It would be more interesting to see them react in unexpected ways.
  • The conversation between Jeff and Abed about the girl from their Spanish class feels a bit forced and doesn't really add anything to the scene.
  • Overall, the scene feels a bit slow and could benefit from some tightening up and more interesting character interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting down or eliminating the description of the setting at the beginning of the scene.
  • Find a more interesting way to introduce Dean Pelton and his struggle with the boombox.
  • Try to make the dialogue between Pelton and the students more subtle and less heavy-handed.
  • Experiment with having the characters react in unexpected ways to Pelton's speech.
  • Consider cutting or reworking the conversation between Jeff and Abed to make it more interesting and relevant to the story.
  • Look for ways to make the scene more engaging and move the story forward more quickly.



Scene 2 -  Jeff enlists Duncan's help to cheat
INT. CAFETERIA

Britta moves down a food line, assembling her meal from bins
of saran wrapped items. Jeff gets in line next to her.

JEFF
Oh, hey. Spanish.

BRITTA
Yeah, just don’t hit on me, okay?

JEFF
Whoa.

BRITTA
And as you walk away, don’t call me
a lesbian or say “don’t flatter
yourself.”

JEFF
Anything I should do?

BRITTA
You should not hit on me.

JEFF
Listen, I just wanted to let you
know about my Spanish study group.

BRITTA
The guy that spent today’s class
playing Bejeweled on his iphone has
a study group? Am I allowed to
sign up twice?

JEFF
I’m taking that class for the easy
credit. I actually tutor Spanish.

She turns to him. On the hook but suspicious.

BRITTA
Say that in Spanish. Now.
5.

Jeff sighs, shouldering her cynicism with grace, and uses
gestures to indicate his mind, school and language:

JEFF
Duermo tarde Espanol, una hora mas,
no rayar mi coche.

Subtitle: I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, do not
scratch my car. She squints. Then surrenders.

BRITTA
I really need help with Spanish.

JEFF
I was willing to bet. I’m Jeff.
The group meets in the library at
six.

BRITTA
I’ll be there. I’m Britta. Thank
you so much, this is great.

Britta finishes paying for her food and walks away. Jeff
turns to the ELDERLY BLACK WOMAN at the cash register.

JEFF
Technically, I am in college, so
it’s okay to use a college move,
right?

ELDERLY BLACK WOMAN
Huh?

JEFF
Sorry. I was raised on TV, I think
every black woman over fifty is a
cosmic mentor with free advice.

ELDERLY BLACK WOMAN
How about for two twenty five you
can have your damn tacos.

JEFF
Yes ma’am.

Jeff gets out his wallet.

FADE OUT.
6.

ACT I

FADE IN:


INT. SCIENCES BUILDING - DUNCAN’S OFFICE

Psychology Professor DUNCAN [30s, low calibre hippy] is
working at his desk in a small office lined with plants,
books and weird art. Jeff appears in his doorway.

JEFF
You’re a hard man to reach,
Professor.

Duncan takes a moment to place the face.

DUNCAN
Jeff Crocker? Attorney at law?

He stands and shakes Jeff’s hand.

JEFF
You remember.

DUNCAN
How could I forget? I still can’t
figure out how you got a jury to
connect September 11th with my DUI.
Let alone why it helped.

JEFF
2002 was a simpler time.

DUNCAN
What’s my lawyer doing on campus?

JEFF
I’m a student.

DUNCAN
That can’t be an inspiring journey.

Duncan goes to a dorm-sized fridge and grabs two beers.

JEFF
Eh, those ivy league twits on the
state bar have had me under a
microscope since I started.
They’ve suddenly decided that even
though I have a law degree, my
college degree isn’t “legitimate.”

Duncan hands Jeff one of the beers.
7.

DUNCAN
I thought you had a bachelor’s from
Columbia.

JEFF
And now I have to get one from
America. They must have noticed
the eagle in the seal was holding
coffee branches. I’m dead in the
water until I replace that degree.

DUNCAN
If you’re in my class, I hope
you’re not going to ask for special
treatment.

JEFF
Professor, please, I do have rules.
I would never take psychology, it’s
boring. But I was hoping that, as
a teacher, you could get me all the
quizzes, tests and exams for the
classes I am taking this semester.

Jeff places a sheet of paper on Duncan’s desk.

DUNCAN
Jeff, you just described - no,
defined cheating. Not only is it
illegal, it’s unethical.

He takes a drink of his own beer.

JEFF
Well, laws are tools. We reshape
them to suit the job. And you
seemed less concerned with ethics
the day I convinced twelve of your
peers that when you did a U turn on
a freeway and tried to order
chalupas from an emergency call
box, your only real crime was being
an American.

DUNCAN
You’re saying I owe you.

JEFF
I’m not saying that. I’m giving
you pieces of a puzzle, which, when
put together, form a picture of you
owing me.

Duncan gets somber. He surrenders.
8.

DUNCAN
I’ll look into it.

Jeff heads for the door.

JEFF
I’ll be in the library at six, but
by 6:20, my fake study group will
not have shown up and I’ll have to
take a very hot girl to dinner.

DUNCAN
Oh, Jeff. Don’t lie to women.

JEFF
(doesn’t care)
Whoops!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Britta and Jeff meet in the cafeteria and have a playful conversation. Jeff invites Britta to his Spanish study group. Later, they meet with Duncan, Jeff's former client and current psychology professor. Jeff asks Duncan for help in obtaining his college degree, and Duncan agrees to help him cheat in exchange for Jeff's past legal assistance. The scene ends with Jeff leaving Duncan's office and making plans to meet in the library at six for his fake study group.
Strengths
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Humorous tone
  • Strong character introductions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and comedic moments. However, it lacks a strong emotional impact and the conflict level is relatively low.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a study group and the protagonist's attempt to cheat are interesting and provide opportunities for humor and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Jeff's attempt to form a study group and Britta's skepticism. It sets up the conflict and introduces the main characters.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of characters flirting and forming a study group is a familiar trope, the specific dialogue and interactions between the characters have a fresh and unique approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through their dialogue. Jeff is confident and witty, while Britta is sarcastic and skeptical.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, as it primarily serves to introduce the characters and set up the study group plot.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to establish a connection with Britta and potentially start a romantic relationship. This reflects his desire for companionship and his fear of rejection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to invite Britta to his Spanish study group. This reflects the immediate circumstance of wanting to help her with her Spanish studies and potentially spend more time with her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, with most of the tension coming from Britta's skepticism and Jeff's attempts to convince her.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is relatively weak, as there are no significant obstacles or conflicts preventing the protagonist from achieving his goals. The audience is not left in suspense or unsure of how the scene will unfold.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on comedic and interpersonal dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the study group plot and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how Jeff and Britta's interaction will unfold. While the overall outcome of them forming a study group is somewhat expected, the specific dialogue and reactions between the characters add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The scene lacks a strong emotional impact, focusing more on humor and witty banter.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, humorous, and reveals the characters' personalities. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue between the characters. The banter and tension between Jeff and Britta create a sense of anticipation and curiosity about their potential relationship.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining the audience's interest and moving the story forward. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, and there are no unnecessary or slow moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines are all properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot in the cafeteria, introduces the characters and their goals, and then transitions to a new location for further development of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Jeff and Britta in the cafeteria, but there is no clear reason for them to be there or for the scene to take place in the cafeteria. It feels like a random location choice.
  • The dialogue between Jeff and Britta is playful and humorous, which fits the tone of the scene. However, some of the lines feel forced and unnatural, particularly when Britta asks Jeff to say something in Spanish and he responds with a random phrase about sleeping late and not scratching his car. This exchange feels forced and doesn't flow well.
  • The interaction between Jeff and the elderly black woman at the cash register is meant to be comedic, but the dialogue falls flat. The jokes about TV stereotypes and free advice from black women feel outdated and insensitive.
  • The transition from the cafeteria to Duncan's office is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. It feels like a disjointed shift in location without a smooth transition.
  • The conversation between Jeff and Duncan in the office is more engaging and has a clearer purpose. However, the dialogue could be tightened and made more concise to keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.
  • Overall, the scene lacks a clear narrative purpose and feels disconnected from the larger story. It doesn't contribute much to the overall plot or character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene in a location that is more relevant to the story or the characters' motivations. This will help ground the scene and give it a stronger purpose.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Jeff and Britta to make it feel more natural and organic. Avoid forced jokes or exchanges that don't flow well. Focus on creating a playful banter that reveals more about their characters.
  • Revise the interaction between Jeff and the elderly black woman to remove outdated and insensitive jokes. Find a way to make the comedic element more relevant and inclusive.
  • Smooth out the transition between the cafeteria and Duncan's office by establishing a clear connection or reason for the shift in location. This will make the scene feel more cohesive.
  • Edit and tighten the dialogue between Jeff and Duncan to keep the scene moving at a brisk pace. Cut any unnecessary lines or exchanges that don't contribute to the overall story or character development.
  • Reevaluate the scene's purpose within the larger story. Make sure it serves a clear narrative function and contributes to the overall plot or character arcs.



Scene 3 -  Forming a Spanish Study Group
INT. LIBRARY - STUDY ROOM

Jeff is seated at a big table, reading a Spanish text book.

JEFF
(repeating)
Bienvenido. Bienvenido.

Britta walks in. He smiles.

JEFF (CONT’D)
Bienvenido! Have a seat.

Jeff puts a notepad in front of her while she gets settled at
the room’s large table.

JEFF (CONT’D)
You can put your contact info on
here. I guess the group is running
late, but we can get acquainted.

She writes some stuff on the pad.

BRITTA
You may have noticed this morning,
I’m not great at small talk.

JEFF
I want to talk big. I want to
know, what’s your deal?

BRITTA
That’s not small talk?
9.

JEFF
What’s your deal and IS GOD DEAD?!

BRITTA
Alright. My deal. I dropped out
of high school to pursue my love of
anarchy. I made a lot of new
friends vandalizing billboards, I
helped coordinate us into a very
large, successful movement of
anarchist billboard vandals, and we
decided I was the leader, which
meant we had to kick me out,
because we were anarchists. Soon
after, they became an advertising
firm. One of their shampoo
billboards is across the street.

JEFF
The one that says “hey, it’s your
hair, we just want to clean it?”

BRITTA
Power to the people. And you can
go on Facebook and see photos of
their children, who have names like
Hemingway and Chomsky and who are
seated in the backs of SUVs. So I
guess my deal is, be honest with me
and I’ll like you. Because I may
be broke and “crawling back to
society” but I’m doing it having
learned that what’s most important
to me is honesty.

JEFF
(concern)
Good thing to learn.

BRITTA
What’s most important to you?

JEFF
I would say...honesty, because...
(surrender)
I would say anything to get what I
want and I want you to like me.

BRITTA
Very honest answer. So you get
your wish. I like you fine.

Jeff blinks.
10.

JEFF
Oh.

BRITTA
Yeah, see how easy.

JEFF
That’s it, huh? No Looney Tunes
character tattooed on your hip I
have to pretend to love?

BRITTA
Not me. Buy me dinner, don’t lie
to me and we’ll be in bed before
midnight.

The two of them chuckle at her joke.

JEFF
- All kidding aside, if you’re
hungry -

Abed enters. Britta looks as though she was expecting him.

BRITTA
Abed’s in the house! Whoooo!

JEFF
(good fake enthusiasm)
Whooooo, Abed! Also whyyyyy?

ABED
Britta invited me, is that cool?

JEFF
(plastered smile)
I can’t think of a single logical
reason why not. Have a seat. And
put your contact info here.

Abed sits down to write on the notepad.

ABED
Cool cool cool cool.
(while writing)
Hey, this is kind of like Breakfast
Club, huh?

BRITTA
(supporting it)
We’re in a library.

With great precision, Jeff reads Abed’s cell number while
punching it into his own phone under the table.
11.

ABED
Well, yeah, and we’re students,
from different backgrounds, and I’m
sure we’ve each got a thing, like
an issue, all balled up inside of
us that would make us cry if we
talked about it.

Jeff thumbs something into his phone.

BRITTA
Do you have something balled up
inside you want to talk about?

ABED
(thinks about it)
Oh, I got a little doozy in the
chamber I can let loose if things
get emotional.

Abed’s phone beeps. His reaction makes Jeff nervous.

ABED (CONT’D)
Whoa! Text message. Let’s give
this bad boy a read.

Abed picks up his phone.

JEFF
I’m sure it’s personal -

ABED
- No, I don’t know this person.
(clears throat)
“Say you have to pee I need to talk
to you.”

Jeff pretends to digest it along with the other two, all of
them exchanging confused looks.

ABED (CONT’D)
“Say you have to pee?”

BRITTA
Weird.

JEFF
Yeah. Creepy.

Professor Duncan ducks his head into the room, sees Jeff,
then sees the others.

DUNCAN
Jeffrey, a quick word? About
psychology?
12.

JEFF
I’ll be right back. When it’s
about psychology, it’s urgent.

Jeff heads for the door.

BRITTA
What if the group shows up?

JEFF
They’ll know what to do.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff and Britta meet in the library study room to form a Spanish study group. Britta shares her past as an anarchist and values honesty. Abed joins the group and receives a mysterious text message. Professor Duncan interrupts Jeff to discuss psychology. The scene ends with Jeff leaving to speak with Professor Duncan.
Strengths
  • Clever and humorous dialogue
  • Engaging character introductions
  • Establishment of potential conflicts and dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Low emotional impact
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written with clever dialogue and humorous moments. It effectively introduces the characters and sets up their dynamics. The pacing is good, and the scene is engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the introduction of the characters and their initial interactions. It effectively establishes their personalities and sets up potential conflicts and dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene is focused on the characters' introductions and the establishment of their relationships. It sets up potential conflicts and dynamics that will drive the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situations and dialogue are unique, there are no particularly fresh approaches to familiar themes or conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene are well-developed and have distinct personalities. Their interactions and dialogue showcase their individual traits and create an engaging dynamic.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it is more focused on introducing the characters and setting up their dynamics. However, there are hints of potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to get Britta to like him. This reflects his desire for approval and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get the group acquainted and start a conversation. This reflects the immediate circumstance of the group meeting and the challenge of breaking the ice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is relatively low, as it focuses more on introducing the characters and establishing their relationships. However, there are hints of potential conflicts and tensions between the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. There are no major obstacles or conflicts that the characters need to overcome. The audience is unsure of how the interactions will go, but it is not a significant source of tension.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, as it is more focused on introducing the characters and establishing their relationships. However, there are hints of potential conflicts and tensions that could raise the stakes in the future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the characters and setting up potential conflicts and dynamics. It establishes the initial relationships and hints at future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected dialogue and character reactions, such as Britta's unconventional backstory and Abed's mysterious text message.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of this scene is relatively low, as it is more focused on humor and establishing the characters. However, there are hints of potential emotional depth and character development.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue in this scene is witty, sarcastic, and humorous. It effectively reveals the characters' personalities and creates an entertaining and engaging atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces interesting characters, establishes their dynamics, and includes witty dialogue that keeps the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by keeping the dialogue and interactions between characters dynamic and engaging. It maintains a good rhythm and flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters, and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Jeff reading a Spanish textbook, which sets the stage for the Spanish study group. However, there is no clear transition from the previous scene to this one, making it feel a bit abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Jeff and Britta is playful and humorous, which matches the tone of the overall scene. However, some of the jokes and banter feel forced and could be improved to flow more naturally.
  • The introduction of Britta's backstory as an anarchist is interesting and adds depth to her character. However, the way it is presented feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development.
  • Abed's entrance into the scene feels random and lacks a clear reason for his presence. It would be helpful to establish why Britta invited him or provide a smoother transition.
  • The text message that Abed receives adds a mysterious element to the scene, but it is not fully explored or resolved. It feels like a loose end that could be tied up or expanded upon.
  • The interruption by Professor Duncan at the end of the scene feels abrupt and disrupts the flow of the conversation. It would be more effective to find a more natural way to introduce his character and his purpose in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or establishing shot to connect this scene with the previous one, providing a smoother flow.
  • Refine the jokes and banter between Jeff and Britta to make them feel more organic and less forced.
  • Take more time to develop Britta's backstory as an anarchist, allowing the audience to fully understand her character and motivations.
  • Provide a clearer reason for Abed's presence in the study group or find a more seamless way to introduce him into the scene.
  • Expand on the mysterious text message that Abed receives, either by exploring its significance or resolving it in some way.
  • Find a more natural way to introduce Professor Duncan and his purpose in the scene, avoiding an abrupt interruption.



Scene 4 -  Morality, Football, and Apologies
EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD - DUSK

A motley crew of would-be athletes are trying out for the
apparently all-ages track team. Currently, a ninety year old
man is prepping himself on the starting line.

Jeff and Duncan are standing out in the middle of the field.

DUNCAN
I could get fired for having this
conversation, so act like you’re
watching the athletic proceedings.

JEFF
You couldn’t stop me from watching.
There is a man trying out for your
track team that is older than the
game of poker.
(noticing)
And he’s kinda truckin’.

DUNCAN
Suppose I did feel indebted to you,
Jeff. And suppose I said it was
possible to get you these answers.

JEFF
I’d say go for it. And, for future
reference, you can ask me stuff
like that way closer to wherever
we’re originally standing.

DUNCAN
I’m asking if you understand the
difference between right and wrong.
13.

JEFF
I understand “right” and “wrong”
are slippery slopes that end with
presidents who don’t believe
dinosaurs existed. And I’ve
understood since I was a kid that
if I talked long enough, I could
make anything true. So either I’m
God or truth is relative, and in
either case: booyah.

DUNCAN
Interesting. The average person
has a harder time saying “booyah”
to moral relativism.

JEFF
Ian, you don’t have to play shrink
to protect your pride, I accept
that you’re a chicken.

DUNCAN
Are you trying to use reverse
psychology on a psychologist?

JEFF
I’m just using normal psychology on
a pussy.

DUNCAN
You can’t talk to me that way!

JEFF
A six year old girl could talk to
you that way!

DUNCAN
Because it would be adorable!

JEFF
No, because you’re a five year old
girl, and there’s a pecking order!

DUNCAN
FINE, I’LL DO IT!

COACH BARTEL (O.S.)
- Gentlemen.

COACH BARTEL [stocky, 40s] is approaching their exchange.
14.

COACH BARTEL (CONT’D)
This is an athletic field, not a
rehearsal of Glengarry Glen Ross,
and I should know, because I run
both the Sports and Theatre
departments. Take it elsewhere.

Jeff and Duncan start walking off the field together. Coach
Bartel calls after them:

COACH BARTEL (CONT’D)
Either of you guys play football?
It’s looking that bad this year.

CUT TO:


INT. LIBRARY - STUDY ROOM

Jeff enters, feigning disappointment.

JEFF
Well, I just found out that the
rest of the group -

Britta is not at the table, but Abed is, along with four new
students: Pierce, Shirley, Troy and Annie. They look at him.

JEFF (CONT’D)
- is here?

ABED
Britta’s in the bathroom, I think,
and I invited more people from
Spanish class, is that cool?

Jeff raises a fist that immediately becomes a thumbs-up.

JEFF
It’s the coolest. I should go to
the bathroom, too. And I should
bring my jacket, keys and wallet in
case there’s a fire.

CUT TO:


INT. LIBRARY - LOBBY

Jeff is on his way to the exit doors. He nearly collides
with Britta, who is entering the lobby.

BRITTA
Ah. Busted.
(confiding)
(MORE)
15.
BRITTA (CONT'D)
I barely smoke. But that group is
getting big, made me skittish, I
started craving a grit.

JEFF
Same here. I saw those faces and I
just had to ...suck a ..leaf tube,
(hail Mary)
Maybe you and I would get more
studying done over -

Britta laughs at the proposition.

BRITTA
- Dinner? Come on, we both know
that’s when the studying stops.
Let’s do this thing first.

She starts walking away, then adds:

BRITTA (CONT’D)
If it really turns out to be a
train wreck, we’ll slip out early.

She walks away. Jeff mulls this over.

JEFF
Oh. I can do a train wreck.

OLD BLACK WOMAN (O.S.)
What a tangled web we weave.

Jeff is startled to see the old black woman from the
cafeteria next to him in the lobby. She’s placing books on a
cart, unloading the overnight return bin.

JEFF
Don’t you work in the cafeteria?

OLD BLACK WOMAN
I have many jobs. In many places.

Jeff’s jaw drops. She rolls her eyes at him.

OLD BLACK WOMAN (CONT’D)
I’m not magical, I’m underpaid.
You racist jackass.

JEFF
Sorry.

Jeff heads back to the study room, ready for action.

FADE OUT.
16.

ACT II

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff and Duncan discuss moral relativism while watching a track tryout. Coach Bartel interrupts them and asks if they play football. Jeff then joins the study group in the library, where Britta and four new students are waiting. Jeff and Britta make plans to have dinner together. Jeff encounters the old black woman from the cafeteria and apologizes for his previous behavior.
Strengths
  • Sharp and witty dialogue
  • Humorous banter
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited exploration of themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and comedic moments. The confrontation between Jeff and Duncan adds tension and conflict to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a motley crew of athletes trying out for an all-ages track team is interesting and provides a unique backdrop for the scene. The inclusion of a ninety-year-old man adds humor and unexpectedness.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Jeff and Duncan's conversation about right and wrong, as well as their ongoing banter. While it doesn't significantly advance the overall plot, it adds depth to the characters and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a track team tryout and a philosophical conflict between characters is not entirely unique, the specific situations and dialogue are fresh and engaging. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Jeff and Duncan, are well-developed and have distinct personalities. Their witty and sarcastic dialogue adds depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in the scene, it does showcase the dynamic between Jeff and Duncan and their ongoing conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to challenge Duncan's beliefs and assert his own understanding of right and wrong. It reflects Jeff's desire to prove himself intellectually and assert his own sense of morality.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather answers from Duncan. It reflects the immediate challenge of getting information from someone who may not be willing to share it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a high level of conflict, primarily between Jeff and Duncan. Their confrontational dialogue and insults create tension and drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Jeff and Duncan have conflicting beliefs and goals. The audience doesn't know how their conversation will unfold and whether Jeff will be able to convince Duncan to provide the answers he seeks.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the comedic and confrontational aspects rather than high-stakes situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict between Jeff and Duncan and setting up future conflicts and interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected dialogue and character interactions. The audience doesn't know how the conversation between Jeff and Duncan will unfold, adding tension and curiosity.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Jeff and Duncan's beliefs about moral relativism. Jeff believes that truth is relative and can be manipulated through persuasive arguments, while Duncan believes in a more absolute sense of right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene is more focused on humor and witty banter than emotional impact. However, the confrontation between Jeff and Duncan does evoke some negative emotions.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and filled with humorous banter. It showcases the characters' personalities and adds entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and sarcastic dialogue, the humorous and absurd situations, and the philosophical conflict between characters. The interactions between Jeff and Duncan, as well as the introduction of new characters, create intrigue and keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The quick back-and-forth between Jeff and Duncan, as well as the introduction of new characters, adds energy and momentum to the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting and characters, establishes the conflict and goals, and concludes with a cliffhanger or setup for the next scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a humorous and lighthearted tone, which is consistent with the overall tone of the show. The dialogue between Jeff and Duncan is witty and entertaining, showcasing their banter and contrasting personalities.
  • However, the scene feels a bit long and could benefit from some tightening. Some of the back-and-forth between Jeff and Duncan could be condensed to maintain the comedic momentum.
  • Additionally, the introduction of Coach Bartel feels a bit forced and unnecessary. His interruption doesn't add much to the scene and could be removed to streamline the dialogue between Jeff and Duncan.
  • The transition to the library study room is a bit abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of the change in location.
  • The interaction between Jeff and Britta in the library lobby is amusing and adds a touch of romance to the scene. However, the dialogue could be more focused on their dynamic and chemistry, rather than veering into a discussion about smoking.
  • The encounter with the old black woman from the cafeteria is unexpected and adds an interesting twist. However, the dialogue between Jeff and the woman could be more impactful and meaningful, exploring themes of race and perception in a more nuanced way.
  • Overall, the scene has its comedic moments and advances the plot by setting up the formation of the study group. However, it could benefit from tighter dialogue, smoother transitions, and more meaningful interactions between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider condensing some of the back-and-forth dialogue between Jeff and Duncan to maintain the comedic momentum.
  • Remove the interruption by Coach Bartel to streamline the scene and focus on the interaction between Jeff and Duncan.
  • Smoothly transition to the library study room by providing a clearer indication of the change in location.
  • Refocus the dialogue between Jeff and Britta in the library lobby to highlight their dynamic and chemistry.
  • Explore the encounter with the old black woman from the cafeteria in a more impactful and nuanced way, delving into themes of race and perception.
  • Overall, tighten the dialogue, improve transitions, and create more meaningful interactions between the characters.



Scene 5 -  Tension and Conflicts Emerge in the Study Group
INT. STUDY ROOM

Jeff settles into his chair at the head of the table. He
looks around the room. There’s Britta, there’s Abed, there’s
Annie the type-A teen, Troy the meat head jock, Shirley the
closed-up ex-housewife and Pierce the weird old man with
neatly brushed grey hair and some kind of stone around his
neck he must have bought at a tarot card store.

JEFF
Alllll right. Look at this crew.
Alllll ready to study alllll night.

Everyone concurs.

JEFF (CONT’D)
But who studies with strangers,
right? We’re all in the same
class and we don’t even know each
other, my name is Jeff.

Pierce speaks. He talks kind of like George Takei.

PIERCE
Jeff, it’s a pleasure, my name is
Pierce Hawthorne and yes, that is
Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes,
the award winning moist towelette.

JEFF
I was just going to ask.

PIERCE
I’m also a Rotarian and no stranger
to public speaking so maybe I
should make the introductions. You
already know Britter. Brittles?

BRITTA
Britta.

PIERCE
My apologies Britta, you also know
A-bed, A-bed the A-reb, is that
inappropriate?

ABED
(as if asked to get ice)
Sure.
17.

PIERCE
We’ve got Roy, Roy, the wonder boy
I call him, -

TROY
- Troy.

PIERCE
You are correct, and little
princess Elizabeth, -

ANNIE
Annie.

PIERCE
Very sorry, and finally this
beautiful creature’s name is
Shirley.

JEFF
(to Shirley)
Is that even close?

Shirley nods.

PIERCE
One does not forget Shirley, she is
a very, very fascinating, very
gorgeous young woman.

Shirley does not appear to enjoy the flattery. Jeff makes a
mental note. Annie speaks up.

ANNIE
I’d like to know why I had to find
out about this group on accident.

ABED
Oh, this is getting way more like
Breakfast Club, now.

BRITTA
We should get started studying -

Jeff goes into action, seeing an opening for his crowbar.

JEFF
You know, I’ve been part of a lot
of study groups that fell apart
because of unaddressed tension.
Shouldn’t someone address Annie’s
concern? Did we not invite her?
18.

SHIRLEY
Well, Annie, sweetie, I guess it
didn’t occur to anyone -

ANNIE
- That’s strange, because I
remember the first day of class, I
asked if anyone was interested in
starting a Spanish study group, and
passed around a sign-up sheet, and
when it came back, all that was on
it was a drawing of a unicorn with
a wiener instead of a horn, a
guitar for a wiener and a dog
emerging from its rear.

BRITTA
That was a cat and he was going in.
(off her look)
What? Everyone added something.

ANNIE
Yes, and then gathered behind my
back for a study group!

SHIRLEY
Pumpkin, it’s not behind your back,
we just didn’t think about you.

ANNIE
Can we stop with the pumpkins and
the sweeties? Being younger
doesn’t make me inferior, if
anything, your age indicates you’ve
made bad life decisions.

SHIRLEY
(simmering)
Mmmmmmmm.

JEFF
(seizing opportunity)
Shirley has a response to that.

SHIRLEY
No, I don’t.

The entire room encourages her to respond.

SHIRLEY (CONT’D)
Well, I’m sure I’ve made bad life
decisions.
(MORE)
19.
SHIRLEY (CONT’D)
I decided to spend twenty years
raising children and cleaning up
after a man who ran out the door
ten minutes after winning one-oh-
two-point-seven thousand dollars in
a radio contest. That was a bad
decision. And maybe Annie’s
decisions will be better. And I
think she should decide whether she
wants to be considered a child or
an adult, because a child gets
pity, but not respect, and adults
can get respect but they can also
get grabbed by the hair and have
their faces put through jukeboxes.

BRITTA
(blurting)
Seriously!

Britta quickly composes herself. Annie pouts. Shirley
regains her shyness. Pierce gives her head a supportive
stroke, causing her to wince. Jeff points a pen at Pierce,
shifting to what he hopes is even more fertile ground for
sowing discontent.

JEFF
Pierce, let’s discuss this
creepiness.

PIERCE
I beg your pardon?

JEFF
Are you unaware Shirley finds your
advances inappropriate?

PIERCE
What advances?

SHIRLEY
You have been sexually harassing me
since the first day of class!

PIERCE
“Sexually harassing?” That doesn’t
make sense, why would I “harass”
someone that turns me on?

TROY
Saying she turns you on is the
harrassment, buddy.

Pierce slams the table with his fist.
20.

PIERCE
I am a business leader and a
community pillar and I don’t take
courting advice from teenage boys!

TROY
Well this teenage boy is a
quarterback and a prom king, so
maybe you should!

ANNIE
You’re not prom king anymore, Troy,
this isn’t Greendale High.

TROY
How did you know I went there?

ANNIE
Because you’re wearing your stupid
letter jacket and more importantly
I SAT BEHIND YOU IN ALGEBRA!

TROY
Wait, are you the girl that got
hooked on pills and dropped out?
You’re Little Annie Adderall!

ANNIE
And you’re a stupid jock that lost
his scholarship because he
celebrated getting it with a keg
stand and dislocated both
shoulders!

ABED
I’m ready! I’m ready!

Everyone looks at Abed.

ABED (CONT’D)
I bought one of those big binders
to store my DVDs in. And I left it
in the sun, and the plastic sleeves
melted to the discs, and they’re
all unplayable and it’s my fault!

Abed starts sobbing real tears. Everyone watches, confused.

JEFF
That’s your Breakfast Club doozy?

ABED
(through sobs)
I love cinema!
21.

Jeff’s phone rings. He answers.

JEFF
Hello?

A very low voice from the other end:

DUNCAN (V.O.)
(on phone)
It’s Professor Duncan. Come to the
parking lot. Now.

JEFF
What’s wrong with your voice?

DUNCAN (V.O.)
(on phone)
I’m disguising it.

JEFF
I’ll be right there.

Jeff hangs up.

BRITTA
Now where are you going?

JEFF
It’s an emergency. You guys need
to hash this stuff out anyway,
because we can’t study with all
this stuff seething under the
surface. I just hope at least one
of you is here when I get back.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy"]

Summary Jeff settles into his role as the leader of the study group and introduces himself and the other members. Annie feels excluded and confronts the group, particularly Shirley. Pierce makes inappropriate comments towards Shirley, leading to a conflict. Troy and Annie exchange insults. Abed interrupts with a random confession. Professor Duncan calls Jeff. The scene ends with Jeff receiving a phone call from Professor Duncan and leaving the room, leaving the conflicts unresolved.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Establishing conflicts and tensions
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional impact
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the conflicts and tensions within the study group, while also providing humor and witty dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a study group coming together and facing interpersonal conflicts is interesting and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around addressing Annie's concern and the tension between characters, which creates conflict and drives the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a study group with diverse characters is not entirely unique, the specific interactions and dialogue between the characters bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities clash, leading to entertaining interactions and conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets up the potential for character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to address the tension and unaddressed concerns within the study group. This reflects their desire for a harmonious and productive study environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to attend to an emergency call from Professor Duncan. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a high level of conflict, with characters confronting each other and expressing their grievances.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as there are multiple conflicts and tensions between the characters. The audience is unsure of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on interpersonal conflicts within the study group.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by addressing conflicts and tensions within the study group, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected character interactions, surprising revelations, and a sudden shift in tone with Abed's emotional breakdown.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and sarcasm rather than emotional impact.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and sarcastic, effectively showcasing the characters' personalities and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict and tension among the characters, creates comedic moments through witty dialogue, and presents a mystery with the emergency call from Professor Duncan.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a quick and snappy rhythm. The dialogue exchanges are rapid, and the comedic timing is well-executed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters, and presents a conflict that drives the scene forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a clear introduction of the characters, but the descriptions could be more concise and impactful. Instead of listing their physical attributes, consider focusing on their personalities or unique traits that will make them memorable to the audience.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural at times. It would benefit from more organic and authentic exchanges between the characters. Try to capture their individual voices and speech patterns to make the dialogue more believable.
  • The conflict between Annie and Shirley is introduced but not fully explored or resolved in this scene. Consider giving them more time to address their issues and find a resolution, as it adds depth to their characters and creates more emotional investment for the audience.
  • The tension between Pierce and Shirley is briefly mentioned but not given enough attention. This conflict could be further developed to create more dramatic moments and opportunities for character growth.
  • Abed's random confession about ruining his DVDs feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the scene. Consider finding a more relevant and meaningful way to incorporate his unique quirks and interests into the story.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Jeff receiving a phone call, leaving the conflicts unresolved. It would be more satisfying for the audience if there was a clearer resolution or a cliffhanger that leaves them wanting to know what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Revise the character introductions to make them more concise and impactful, focusing on their personalities or unique traits.
  • Work on making the dialogue more organic and authentic, capturing the individual voices and speech patterns of the characters.
  • Give more time and attention to the conflict between Annie and Shirley, allowing them to address their issues and find a resolution.
  • Further develop the tension between Pierce and Shirley, creating more dramatic moments and opportunities for character growth.
  • Find a more relevant and meaningful way to incorporate Abed's quirks and interests into the scene.
  • Consider adding a clearer resolution or a cliffhanger ending to create a more satisfying conclusion to the scene.



Scene 6 -  A Deal in the Parking Lot
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Jeff enters the parking lot, looking around.

DUNCAN (O.S.)
Hello, Jeff.

Duncan emerges from between two cars, holding a large, thick
envelope.

DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Every answer to every test in your
curriculum this semester.

JEFF
You are the best.
22.

Jeff reaches for the package. Duncan withholds it.

DUNCAN
But what do I get?

JEFF
I thought we had a deal.

DUNCAN
Deals are bound by ethics, Jeff.
Deals are for five year old girls.

JEFF
What do you want.

DUNCAN
Your Lexus.

JEFF
HA! My luxury sedan for a
semester’s worth of answers?

DUNCAN
Come on, you’re never going to stop
taking the easy way out. I’ll be
helping you for four years. You
want to get a degree while taking
naps? I want leather seats with
built-in ball warmers. Offer
expires in ten seconds.

JEFF
I’m supposed to do what, walk home?

DUNCAN
Take my Prius.

Duncan holds up some keys.

JEFF
PRIUS?

DUNCAN
It’s good for the Earth.

JEFF
So is wiping your butt with a leaf
but it’s not how a man gets around!

DUNCAN
Time’s up.

Duncan starts to walk away. Jeff panics.
23.

JEFF
Alright!

CUT TO:


INT. LIBRARY

Jeff heads across the library toward the study room, carrying
Duncan’s packet.

Britta opens the door and comes running to him. We can hear
chaos coming from the room behind her.

BRITTA
It’s really bad in there.

JEFF
Yeah, sounds like a train wreck.
What do you say? Time to go?

BRITTA
Go? Jeff, I would rather flunk
Spanish and starve to death than
abandon a group of people in pain.

Jeff stares at her for a beat, then:

JEFF
You thought I meant time to go to
dinner? I meant time to go give
these people the healing they need.
Time to spread the love, time to
set everything back to exactly the
way it was before they got here.

She gives his arm one of those platonic but lingering touches
that women have been using to secretly control civilization
for 50,000 years. As she heads back to the room, Jeff adds
carefully:

JEFF (CONT’D)
Then dinner.

FADE OUT.
24.

ACT III

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff meets Duncan in a parking lot to get the answers to his tests. Duncan withholds the answers until Jeff agrees to give him his Lexus. Jeff eventually agrees and takes Duncan's Prius instead. Jeff then meets Britta at the library and they decide to help a group of people in pain before going to dinner.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Exploration of ethical dilemma
Weaknesses
  • Emotional impact could be stronger
  • Stakes could be higher

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines humor and drama, creating an engaging and thought-provoking moment. The dialogue is witty and the conflict between Jeff and Duncan adds tension to the scene. The character dynamics and the ethical dilemma make it highly engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a student being offered answers in exchange for his luxury car is unique and intriguing. It raises ethical questions and explores the consequences of taking shortcuts in education.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Jeff's decision to cheat or maintain his integrity. The conflict between Jeff and Duncan drives the plot forward and creates tension. The scene sets up the moral dilemma that Jeff will face later in the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character offering answers in exchange for a luxury item is not entirely unique, the dialogue and banter between the characters add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Jeff is portrayed as a witty and morally conflicted character, while Duncan is depicted as cunning and manipulative. Their contrasting personalities create an engaging dynamic. Britta's strong moral stance adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jeff experiences a minor character change as he initially considers cheating but ultimately decides to do the right thing. The scene sets up his potential growth and development throughout the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to obtain the answers to every test in his curriculum for the semester. This reflects his desire to take the easy way out and avoid putting in effort.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to negotiate with Duncan to obtain the answers. This reflects the immediate challenge of needing the answers for his exams.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jeff and Duncan creates tension and drives the scene forward. The ethical dilemma adds an additional layer of conflict. The conflict is resolved when Jeff agrees to the deal.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as Duncan withholds the answers and challenges the protagonist's ethics. The audience is unsure of how the negotiation will unfold.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene as it focuses more on the moral dilemma and character development. However, the decision Jeff makes will have consequences for his academic integrity and personal growth.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the moral dilemma that Jeff will face later. It sets up the conflict and establishes the stakes for his character arc.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience does not know how the negotiation will go and whether the protagonist will give up his luxury sedan. The unexpected offer of a Prius adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits both humor and a sense of moral conflict. The audience may feel a mix of amusement and concern for Jeff's decision. The emotional impact is not as strong as in other scenes, but it serves its purpose.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and filled with humorous banter. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations. The back-and-forth between Jeff and Duncan adds tension and humor to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue between the characters. The conflict and negotiation add tension and keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension during the negotiation and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the characters, establishes their goals, and progresses the story.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Jeff entering the parking lot, but there is no description of his demeanor or any visual cues to indicate his emotions or intentions. Adding some visual elements or actions could help set the tone and create a more engaging opening.
  • The dialogue between Jeff and Duncan is witty and humorous, but it feels a bit too on-the-nose and expository. It would be more effective to show their dynamic through their actions and reactions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • The conflict between Jeff and Duncan is resolved quite quickly and easily. It would be more interesting to see them negotiate and struggle a bit more before reaching a resolution. This would create more tension and make the scene more engaging.
  • The transition from the parking lot to the library is abrupt and lacks a smooth transition. Adding a brief description or action to bridge the two locations would help improve the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Jeff and Britta in the library is a bit heavy-handed and lacks subtlety. It would be more effective to show their connection and shared values through their actions and interactions with the chaotic room behind them.
  • The ending of the scene, where Jeff and Britta decide to help a group of people in pain before going to dinner, feels rushed and lacks a clear motivation. It would be helpful to establish why they feel compelled to help these people and what their personal stakes are in doing so.
Suggestions
  • Add visual cues and actions to enhance the opening of the scene and convey Jeff's emotions and intentions.
  • Show the dynamic between Jeff and Duncan through actions and reactions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Extend the conflict between Jeff and Duncan, creating more tension and negotiation before reaching a resolution.
  • Smoothly transition from the parking lot to the library with a brief description or action.
  • Show Jeff and Britta's connection and shared values through their actions and interactions with the chaotic room behind them.
  • Establish the motivation and personal stakes for Jeff and Britta in deciding to help the group of people in pain before going to dinner.



Scene 7 -  Jeff's Motivational Speech
INT. STUDY ROOM

Jeff walks in. Everyone is sitting with their arms folded,
staring at the table in front of them.

JEFF
How’s it going in here?

Everyone explodes into furious name calling and arguing.

JEFF (CONT’D)
Alright, alright. Simmer down! I
want to tell you something!

They quiet down. He squares himself. Closing argument time.

JEFF (CONT’D)
You know what makes humans
different from other animals? We
are the only species on Earth that
observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t
even have Shark Week, but we do.
For the same reason I can pick up
this pencil, tell you its name is
Steve, then go like this
(snaps pencil)
And part of you dies just a little
inside. Because humans can connect
to anything. We can sympathize
with a pencil, we can forgive a
shark, we can give Ben Affleck an
Academy Award for screenwriting.

Everyone nods knowingly, touched. Britta, however, remains
poker-faced.

JEFF (CONT’D)
People can find the good in just
about anything but themselves.
Look at me. It’s obvious to all of
you that I’m awesome, and yet, if I
agreed with you, I would be an ass.
But I can think Annie’s awesome in
ways that I’m not. She’s driven.
Some people have to be driven or
the power goes off and the ice
cream melts. And look at Pierce.
(MORE)
25.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Other guys his age are locked up in
their houses yelling at the people
on TV for farting, this guy is out
here, with us, even though he’s
earned the right to dismiss us.
Just like Shirley’s earned a little
elbow room, and a lot of respect,
not as a wife, not as a mother,
it’s time for her to be a woman,
and don’t test her on that, because
that thing about the jukebox was
way too specific to be improvised,
we want her on our side when we
rumble with the other study groups.

The group murmurs in enthusiastic agreement. Troy nods at
Shirley. Shirley smiles.

JEFF (CONT’D)
You want Troy, too. That’s why
we’re tempted to dis the jacket,
because it’s a symbol that
intimidates us, you think
astronauts go to the moon because
they hate oxygen, come on, they’re
trying to impress their high
school’s prom king, and well they
should, because I saw our track
team tonight and I’m pretty sure
Troy’s gonna be a big dog on
campus. And Abed. You know, God
made people with minds that wander
because the answers we need are
barely ever the ones we’re asking.
Abed’s a shaman, ask him to pass
the salt, you get a bowl of soup,
and guess what, soup is better.
Abed is better.
(beat)
You’re all better than you think
you are. You’re just not designed
to believe it when you hear it from
yourself. So everybody, do me a
favor, look to the person on the
left.

Everybody does it.

JEFF (CONT’D)
I want you to extend to that person
the same compassion you extend to
sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I
want you to say to that person, “I
forgive you.” Go ahead.
26.

Everyone says “I forgive you.”

JEFF (CONT’D)
Now look at me.

Everyone looks at Jeff.

JEFF (CONT’D)
You just stopped being a study
group. You have now become
something unstoppable. I hereby
pronounce you a community.

Abed wipes at some tears.

ABED
It’s not like Breakfast Club
anymore. Now it’s like Stripes, or
Meatballs. Anything with Bill
Murray, really.

JEFF
I agree with Abed that tonight has
been very special. Too special for
Spanish, really, and I think that,
like the Breakfast Club, we ought
to disband and reflect.

Jeff looks at Britta and nods his head slightly toward the
door, like, “let’s go.”

Britta looks at Jeff. She looks around the room at all the
mesmerized faces. Finally, she announces her decision while
watching Jeff carefully.

BRITTA
Actually, now that we’re
unstoppable, it’ll probably take no
time at all to prepare for this
quiz, right?

Everyone agrees with that. They’re very excited about
studying, now. Jeff goes to plan C.

JEFF
I have a surprise for you guys. We
don’t need to study. I have all
the tests and answers for the
semester.

Jeff shows the packet he got from Duncan.

JEFF (CONT’D)
So. All done.
27.

Everyone at the table is a bit taken aback. Britta narrows
her eyes on him. Pierce puzzles through this.

PIERCE
Well, Jeff, now, why in Hell’s
Bells would you want to enroll in a
community college to cheat?

JEFF
I didn’t want to enroll here,
Pierce, I have to be here. I’m a
lawyer. I mean, I was a lawyer,
and I’d like to get back to being
one as soon as possible.

BRITTA
(gross)
A lawyer...

TROY
Then why have a study group?

JEFF
I DON’T HAVE A STUDY GROUP! YOU
PEOPLE JUST SHOWED UP!

Britta explains something to everyone she’d been putting
together for a while.

BRITTA
It was all to get in my pants.

JEFF
Why can’t you see that for the
compliment that it is?

ANNIE
What about the look left speech?
Was that real?

JEFF
I learned it at tennis camp when I
was seven.

Everyone is dismayed and disappointed.

JEFF (CONT’D)
I added the Ben Affleck references!

BRITTA
Jeff, you had me at “I’m a lawyer,”
and by had me, I mean had me ready
to puke. Now please leave and let
us study before my gag reflex hits
a tipping point.
28.

JEFF
But you’re not listening, I have
the answers.

Britta physically gags.

Abed shakes his head.

ABED
I thought you were like Bill Murray
in any of his films. But you’re
really like Michael Douglas in any
of his.

JEFF
Yeah, well, you have Asperger’s.

As Jeff exits, everyone recoils in shock and comforts a
confused Abed.

BRITTA
He is not qualified to make that
diagnosis.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff enters the study room and gives a motivational speech to the group, telling them they are all better than they think they are. He reveals he has the answers to the upcoming test, but the group decides to study instead. Jeff admits he only formed the study group to get close to Britta.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Emotional resonance
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character change within the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, combining humor and reflection to create an impactful moment of unity and self-discovery for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the study group coming together and realizing their strengths and potential is well-executed and provides a strong foundation for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Jeff's revelation and the group's reaction, which leads to a shift in their dynamics and goals.

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism and relatability.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their individual strengths and vulnerabilities are highlighted, allowing for meaningful connections and growth.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change within the scene, the characters' perspectives and dynamics shift as they come to understand and appreciate each other.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince the study group that they are all better than they think they are and to foster a sense of unity and compassion among them. This reflects the protagonist's desire for acceptance and validation from his peers.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to disband the study group and leave with Britta. This reflects the immediate circumstance of wanting to avoid studying for a quiz and the challenge of convincing the group to disband.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, with the focus being more on introspection and unity rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the study group opposes the protagonist's desire to disband and leave. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal growth and the formation of a community rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides a moment of reflection and unity for the study group, setting the stage for future developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the protagonist's true intentions are revealed, which surprises the other characters and the audience. However, the overall outcome of the scene is somewhat predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from laughter to empathy, creating a strong emotional connection with the characters and their journey.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and emotionally resonant, effectively conveying the characters' thoughts, feelings, and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it contains a mix of humor, emotional moments, and character development. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience interested and invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, as well as allowing for comedic moments. The rhythm of the dialogue and the timing of the character actions contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with everyone in the study room already angry and arguing, which feels abrupt and lacks context. It would be helpful to establish the reason for their anger and build up to the argument.
  • The dialogue is heavy-handed and lacks subtlety. The speech given by Jeff feels forced and overly dramatic, with unrealistic reactions from the other characters.
  • The transition from Jeff's motivational speech to Britta's decision to study feels rushed and doesn't flow naturally. It would benefit from a smoother transition and more organic character development.
  • The reveal that Jeff formed the study group to get close to Britta feels contrived and undermines the authenticity of the group's dynamic. It would be more effective to explore their relationship in a more nuanced and believable way.
  • The conflict between Jeff and the rest of the group is resolved too quickly and easily. It would be more engaging to see the tension and conflict play out over a longer period of time, allowing for more character development and emotional stakes.
  • The dialogue lacks depth and complexity, relying too heavily on one-liners and surface-level humor. It would be more engaging to explore the characters' motivations and emotions in a more nuanced way.
  • The scene lacks visual elements or actions, which could help to enhance the storytelling and make it more visually interesting.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with important moments and character interactions not given enough time to breathe and resonate with the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and layers of meaning, allowing for deeper exploration of the characters' relationships and conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Establish the reason for the group's anger and build up to the argument, providing more context for the scene.
  • Rewrite Jeff's speech to be more authentic and less heavy-handed, allowing for more natural reactions from the other characters.
  • Smoothly transition from Jeff's speech to Britta's decision to study, ensuring that it feels organic and believable.
  • Explore Jeff and Britta's relationship in a more nuanced and believable way, avoiding contrived plot devices.
  • Extend the conflict between Jeff and the group, allowing for more tension and emotional stakes.
  • Deepen the dialogue by exploring the characters' motivations and emotions in a more nuanced way.
  • Incorporate visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and make the scene more visually interesting.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow for important moments and character interactions to have more impact.
  • Add subtext and layers of meaning to the scene, providing deeper exploration of the characters' relationships and conflicts.



Scene 8 -  Confrontation in Duncan's Office
EXT. LIBRARY - NIGHT

Jeff exits the front doors, miffed, sour grapey, opening
Duncan’s packet.

He gets the envelope open and pulls out a stack of papers
from inside. He looks at them, stunned.

We watch as Jeff flips through a stack of pages from old
Psychology Today magazines.

CUT TO:


INT. DUNCAN’S OFFICE

Professor Duncan is enjoying a pipe in his office and seems
to have been expecting Jeff to burst through the door, which
Jeff now does.

DUNCAN
Before you react, you’ll want to
think about the gift you’ve been
given.

JEFF
An excuse to punch a hippy?
29.

DUNCAN
A second chance at an honest life.
A life that starts here at
Greendale. All these tricks you
acquired to survive out there, they
have no use in this place that
you’re wiping your feet on. People
here are excited and proud to be
here, students and faculty alike.
And frankly, we’re a little
offended by the implication that
there’s anywhere else we’d like to
be. This is a lesson you need to
learn, Jeff.

Jeff shrugs.

JEFF
Well, I’m...I’m sorry, but I’m not
getting it.

DUNCAN
Maybe you’re incapable of learning.

JEFF
Is it possible you’re incapable of
teaching? It is community college.
Now give me my keys or it’s going
to get sloppy.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff confronts Duncan in his office after finding old magazines in Duncan's packet. Duncan tries to convince Jeff to embrace Greendale, but Jeff remains skeptical and demands his keys back. The scene ends with Jeff demanding his keys back from Duncan.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Confrontational tone
  • Engaging conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the conflict between Jeff and Professor Duncan, with strong dialogue and a sarcastic tone. However, it lacks emotional depth and could benefit from more character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, a confrontation between Jeff and Professor Duncan, is engaging and drives the plot forward. However, it could be further developed to explore the characters' motivations and emotions.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Jeff's attempt to retrieve his keys from Professor Duncan. It is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged. However, it could benefit from more twists or surprises.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting of a community college and the conflict between a cynical protagonist and an idealistic professor are familiar elements, the specific dialogue and character dynamics bring a fresh approach to these situations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Jeff and Professor Duncan are well-defined and their conflicting personalities create tension. However, there is room for further exploration of their backstories and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

While the scene showcases Jeff's defiance and unwillingness to conform, there is limited character development or change. Further exploration of the characters' growth would enhance the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and maintain his cynical attitude. This reflects his deeper need for control and his fear of vulnerability.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve his keys from Professor Duncan. This reflects the immediate challenge of regaining control over his situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jeff and Professor Duncan is intense and drives the scene. Their opposing viewpoints and confrontational dialogue create tension and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as it presents a significant challenge for the protagonist in the form of Professor Duncan's idealistic beliefs and refusal to give him his keys. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene revolve around Jeff's desire to retrieve his keys and his defiance towards community college. While not extremely high, they add tension and drive the conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the conflict between Jeff and Professor Duncan and setting up the resolution. It provides important information about the characters' motivations and attitudes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and Professor Duncan that is not easily resolved. The audience is unsure of how the characters will navigate their differences.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Jeff's cynical worldview and Professor Duncan's belief in the value of community college. This challenges Jeff's beliefs about the importance of higher education and his resistance to change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene lacks significant emotional impact, focusing more on humor and confrontation. However, it could benefit from adding emotional depth to the characters' motivations and reactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, sarcastic, and confrontational, effectively conveying the conflict between Jeff and Professor Duncan. It showcases their distinct personalities and adds humor to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict between the protagonist and Professor Duncan, creates tension through their dialogue, and leaves the audience curious about the outcome of their interaction.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm that allows for the tension and conflict to build. The dialogue and action are balanced, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior shot, transitions to an interior shot, and includes dialogue between the characters to advance the plot and develop the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks visual elements or actions, which could make it more engaging for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jeff and Duncan is confrontational and tense, which fits the tone of the scene, but it could benefit from more subtext and nuance.
  • The conflict between Jeff and Duncan's differing views on Greendale and Jeff's future is not fully resolved, leaving the scene feeling unresolved.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and exploration of Jeff's internal struggle and growth.
  • The transition between the library and Duncan's office could be smoother and more seamless.
  • The scene could use more descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive setting.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create more tension and build-up.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and vulnerability from both Jeff and Duncan.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding visual elements or actions to make the scene more dynamic and visually engaging.
  • Add subtext and nuance to the dialogue between Jeff and Duncan to deepen their conflict and make it more compelling.
  • Resolve the conflict between Jeff and Duncan's differing views on Greendale and Jeff's future to give the scene a sense of closure.
  • Explore Jeff's internal struggle and growth more explicitly to add depth to his character arc.
  • Refine the transition between the library and Duncan's office to create a smoother flow between the two locations.
  • Use descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive setting, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to create more tension and build-up, heightening the emotional impact.
  • Add moments of vulnerability and emotional depth for both Jeff and Duncan to make their characters more relatable and complex.



Scene 9 -  A Defeated Jeff Finds Hope in Study Group
EXT. COURTYARD - NIGHT

Jeff stomps across the empty night time campus of Greendale
community college. So fucked.

He sees the Old Black Woman sitting on one of the benches
that is just outside the library entrance. He starts walking
to her. She’s clearly bummed out about this. He stands by
her for a moment, mustering the confession:

JEFF OLD BLACK WOMAN
I don’t know how to do it. I don’t care.

She gets up.

JEFF
Where are you going?

OLD BLACK WOMAN
(sarcastic)
Don’t you know, honey child?
(MORE)
30.
OLD BLACK WOMAN (CONT'D)
I gots to go polish that moon and
hang them clouds out to dry. But
don’t you worry. Outer space Jesus
negro lady is watching over you.

Jeff slumps down on the bench as she walks away.

JEFF
Great. Even God thinks I’m a dick.

He sits there for a moment. Puts his head back.

Pierce emerges from the library’s front doors, sees Jeff, and
pauses to take in the night air.

PIERCE
Boy. There is Autumn, and then
there is just Fall.

JEFF
You may have purchased a knockoff
calendar.

PIERCE
You said some nice things about me
up there, Jeffrey.

Pierce sits on another bench across from him.

PIERCE (CONT’D)
And I do admit, I’ve got things to
learn about the ladies. You know
I’ve been married seven times? I’m
starting to think I’m doing
something wrong.

JEFF
Do I look like I’m in a position to
give romantic advice right now?

Troy comes out of the library, sees them both and nods.

TROY
Hey.

JEFF
I thought you guys were studying.

TROY
We’re done.

JEFF
Oh. That was fast.

Troy sits next to him, curious.
31.

TROY
Let me ask you something. People
have been clowning me about this
jacket since I got here. But if I
take it off to make them happy, I’m
weak, right?

JEFF
(shrug)
Troy, what’s it matter. You lose
the jacket to please them, you keep
it to piss them off...either way,
it’s for them, that’s what’s weak.

TROY
(epiphany)
Whoa.
(bigger epiphany)
Whoa.
(confusion)
Wait, but -
(realization)
Whoa!

PIERCE
He’s good, isn’t he?

TROY
My brain’s all wrinkly.

Jeff doesn’t necessarily mind the praise, but he’s still got
wallowing to do.

Shirley and Annie come through the doors together. Annie
stops when she sees the boys sitting together.

ANNIE
Is this another “we hate Annie”
meeting?

SHIRLEY
Oh, sweetie. Nobody hates you.
(catching it)
Sorry I called you sweetie, it’s a
mother’s habit -

ANNIE
- It’s not that bad, really.
(almost crying)
My parents, um -
(clears throat)
This is interesting architecture.

Abed and Britta come through the library doors.
32.

ABED
Oh, hey, everybody.

Britta is not excited to see Jeff.

BRITTA
Shouldn’t you be at home rolling
around on a bed covered with quiz
answers?

Jeff tosses the envelope to her. She looks at the contents.

BRITTA (CONT’D)
Ha! Live by the sword, huh Amigo?
(explaining)
Amigo means “friend.” You might
need to know that for tomorrow.

Jeff nods, resigned to his fate.

JEFF
I want to say something.

Jeff starts to say something. Then stops. He gets a weird
look on his face.

JEFF (CONT’D)
But nothing I say is true, so...I
can’t...

He struggles. Then, finally:

JEFF (CONT’D)
Sorry. I need help.

He buries his face in his hands.

JEFF (CONT’D)
I’m gonna flunk. I need help.

The group looks around at each other. Mostly, they’re all
looking at Britta.

Shirley looks at Britta with a face that says “do something.”

Britta looks at Shirley with a “What? Me?” face. She
indicates Jeff and makes a gagging gesture.

Shirley makes a gesture that means “give me a break and maybe
also get over yourself because there are worse things in the
world than men making asses of themselves over you.”

Troy gestures insistently. So does Pierce. Abed is
confused.
33.

ABED
What’s going on? Can you guys hear
me? Am I deaf?

Jeff looks up, curious to see what Abed is talking about.
Britta makes a decision. She addresses the group.

BRITTA
Hey, um. We should, um.
(clears throat)
We should get back upstairs, and
finish, right?

Jeff is confused.

JEFF
I thought you were done.

BRITTA
Who said that? Are we done?

PIERCE
I’m not done.

Everyone agrees they’re not done. Abed is more confused.

BRITTA
Well, let’s go. Jeff, you coming?

Jeff is taken aback by the offer.

JEFF
Are you serious? I can study with
you guys?

BRITTA
Eh. You know. If you want. I
don’t care.

Jeff stands up, recovering from his depression.

JEFF
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s
ever said to me.

The group heads back for the library entrance as we pull back
in a crane shot that, like this campus, packs a lot of
emotional punch for a reasonable price.


FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Jeff, feeling defeated, encounters the Old Black Woman on a bench and confesses his struggles. She sarcastically brushes him off. Pierce joins Jeff and talks about his marriages. Troy seeks Jeff's advice on his jacket. Shirley and Annie emerge from the library, followed by Britta. Jeff apologizes and admits he needs help. Britta offers to study with the group, and they all head back into the library together.
Strengths
  • Witty and sarcastic dialogue
  • Effective portrayal of emotions
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emphasis on the theme
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written, engaging, and successfully blends comedy and drama. The dialogue is sharp and entertaining, and the characters' emotions and conflicts are effectively portrayed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene revolves around the study group coming together to support Jeff, highlighting their relationships and personal growth.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on Jeff's struggle and his realization that he needs help. It also introduces the theme of friendship and support.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and character dynamics are familiar, the unique voice and witty dialogue bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through their dialogue and actions. Each character has their own unique traits and contributes to the dynamics of the group.

Character Changes: 7

While there is some character growth and realization, it is not the central focus of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek help and admit his need for assistance. This reflects his deeper need for support and his fear of failure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to study with the group. It reflects the immediate circumstances of needing to pass his exams and the challenge of overcoming his pride and asking for help.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, with the focus being more on the characters' personal struggles and relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not strong. While there are minor conflicts and tensions between the characters, they are quickly resolved or overshadowed by the protagonist's internal struggles.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, with the focus being more on personal relationships and support.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving Jeff's struggle and bringing the study group back together.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected moments of introspection and character growth, such as Jeff admitting his need for help and Britta offering assistance despite their previous conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to sadness, and effectively portrays the characters' emotional states.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is the highlight of the scene, filled with witty remarks, sarcasm, and emotional depth. It effectively conveys the characters' thoughts, conflicts, and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable conflicts and emotions, uses humor to lighten the mood, and creates curiosity about the characters' relationships and dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection with dialogue-driven interactions. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a steady rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and concludes with a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jeff stomping across the campus feeling defeated, but it's not clear why he feels this way. It would be helpful to provide some context or a brief explanation of what has led him to this point.
  • The dialogue between Jeff and the Old Black Woman feels forced and unnatural. It's unclear what their relationship is or why Jeff feels the need to confess to her. This interaction could be better developed to provide more depth and meaning.
  • The sarcastic response from the Old Black Woman feels out of place and doesn't add much to the scene. It would be more effective to have a genuine conversation between Jeff and the Old Black Woman that offers some insight or guidance.
  • The conversation between Jeff and Pierce about Autumn and Fall feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It doesn't contribute to the overall story or character development.
  • Troy's question about his jacket and Jeff's response feels contrived and doesn't add much to the scene. It would be more impactful to have a conversation that delves deeper into Jeff's emotional state or the group dynamics.
  • Annie's comment about the 'we hate Annie' meeting feels out of place and doesn't fit with the tone of the scene. It would be more effective to have a genuine moment of vulnerability or connection between Annie and the group.
  • The dialogue between Britta and Jeff lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be more impactful to have a meaningful conversation that explores their relationship and Jeff's growth.
  • The group's reaction to Jeff's apology and admission of needing help feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. It would be more effective to have a more nuanced and authentic response from the group.
  • The ending crane shot feels cliché and doesn't add much to the scene. It would be more effective to end the scene with a more intimate and meaningful moment between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context or a brief explanation of what has led Jeff to feel defeated at the beginning of the scene.
  • Develop the interaction between Jeff and the Old Black Woman to offer more depth and meaning.
  • Replace the sarcastic response from the Old Black Woman with a genuine conversation that offers insight or guidance.
  • Remove the random conversation between Jeff and Pierce about Autumn and Fall.
  • Replace Troy's question about his jacket with a conversation that delves deeper into Jeff's emotional state or the group dynamics.
  • Reconsider Annie's comment about the 'we hate Annie' meeting and replace it with a more genuine moment of vulnerability or connection.
  • Develop a more meaningful and emotionally resonant conversation between Britta and Jeff.
  • Reconsider the group's reaction to Jeff's apology and admission of needing help to make it more nuanced and authentic.
  • Replace the ending crane shot with a more intimate and meaningful moment between the characters.