Read Fargo Pilot with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  The Indifference of Suffering
EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY. RURAL MINNESOTA - DAY

The white becomes snowfall, a blizzard. Through it we can
make out a two lane road. A car emerges from the snow --
rust-spotted, chains on the tires -- coming towards us.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR (TRAVELING) - DAY

LORNE MALVO, age unknown, birth place unknown, sits behind
the wheel, his breath white with frost. If he minds he
doesn’t show it.

As he drives we become aware of THUMPING coming from inside
the trunk. As if someone is in there who doesn’t want to be.
Malvo ignores it.

A DEER

appears in the road ahead of him. Malvo turns too late, HITS
it. The CAR SKIDS off the road, ROLLS twice -- the trunk
popping open -- before coming to rest on its wheels.

Beat. A MAN emerges from the trunk wearing only underwear.
He is stunned from the crash, but sound enough of mind to
know this is his chance. As we watch he LOPES off through
waist-deep snow, making for the tree line.

Beat. The driver’s door opens. Slowly, Malvo climbs out.
His head is bleeding where it hit the windshield. He stands
unsteadily in the snow, getting his bearings.

ANGLE ON THE OTHER MAN

Loping off through the snow. Malvo could catch him if he
tried, but he makes no attempt. Instead he walks into the
center of the road where the deer lays on its side,
struggling to get up. Three of its four legs are broken, but
still it fights for life. Malvo stands over the wounded
animal, looking down.
2.


CLOSE UP ON THE DEER

It’s eyes wild, blood bubbles foaming from its nose and
mouth, mortally wounded.

CLOSE UP ON MALVO

Studying it’s eyes. What does he see in there?

We begin to hear a strange throbbing, churning sound, half
animal, half machine.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a blizzard on a rural Minnesota highway, Lorne Malvo's car crashes after hitting a deer, causing a man in his underwear to escape from the trunk. Despite the chaos, Malvo remains detached, choosing to focus on the wounded deer rather than pursuing the fleeing man. The scene captures a tense and bleak atmosphere, highlighting Malvo's indifference to human suffering as he contemplates the deer's struggle.
Strengths
  • Strong atmosphere
  • Compelling characters
  • Tension-filled narrative
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong sense of tension and mystery. The unexpected events and the enigmatic character of Malvo keep the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mysterious and potentially dangerous character encountering a wounded deer in a snowy landscape is intriguing and sets up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. The scene sets up a strong foundation for the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of power and control through the character of Lorne Malvo and his interaction with the injured deer. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and intriguing, especially Lorne Malvo, whose motives and actions are shrouded in mystery. The scene effectively establishes the dynamics between the characters.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, the events set the stage for potential growth and development in the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Lorne Malvo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and control in a chaotic and dangerous situation. This reflects his deeper need for power and dominance, as well as his lack of empathy or emotional connection to others.

External Goal: 7

Lorne Malvo's external goal in this scene is to assess the situation after the car accident and potentially deal with the man who escaped from the trunk. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the aftermath of the crash.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the harsh environment creates a sense of danger and suspense, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but subtle, with the injured deer symbolizing the struggle for survival and the escaped man representing a potential threat to Lorne Malvo's control and power.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the dangerous situation the characters find themselves in, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key elements and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, the ambiguous motivations of Lorne Malvo, and the unresolved tension between life and death symbolized by the injured deer.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of life and death, as symbolized by the injured deer fighting for survival and Malvo's detached observation of its struggle. This challenges Malvo's beliefs about power, control, and the value of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to empathy for the wounded deer, adding depth to the storytelling.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, adding to the tension and atmosphere of the scene. It conveys the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious characters, and thematic depth. The audience is drawn into the unfolding events and left wanting to know more about the characters and their motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, allowing the audience to absorb the atmosphere and thematic elements before the climax of the car accident and its aftermath.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, using visual cues and concise descriptions to convey the atmosphere and tone effectively.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format, building tension and suspense through its pacing and visual descriptions. It deviates from traditional storytelling conventions, adding to its impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere with the blizzard setting, which serves as a metaphor for the chaos and moral ambiguity that will unfold throughout the story. However, the transition from the car crash to the deer encounter could be more fluid. The abruptness of the crash followed by the man's escape feels slightly disjointed; a more gradual build-up to the man's emergence could enhance the tension.
  • Lorne Malvo's character is introduced as cold and detached, which is compelling. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer indication of his motivations. Why does he choose to ignore the man escaping from the trunk? This choice could be more explicitly tied to his character's philosophy or backstory, providing depth to his seemingly indifferent demeanor.
  • The imagery of the wounded deer is powerful and symbolic, representing vulnerability and the struggle for survival. However, the scene could explore Malvo's internal conflict more deeply. What does he feel when he sees the deer? Is there a flicker of empathy, or is he purely analytical? Adding a moment of introspection could enrich the character's complexity.
  • The sound design is mentioned but not fully realized in the script. The 'strange throbbing, churning sound' could be described in more detail to enhance the atmosphere and foreshadow the themes of violence and chaos. This auditory element could serve as a bridge between the physical and psychological aspects of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the beats could be tightened. For instance, the 'Beat' notations could be replaced with more descriptive actions or internal thoughts to maintain engagement and flow. This would help the reader visualize the scene more vividly and keep the tension high.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or contemplation for Malvo before he approaches the deer. This could provide insight into his character and create a more dramatic contrast between his actions and the man's desperate escape.
  • Enhance the description of the sound effects to create a more immersive experience. For example, describe how the sound resonates in the snowy landscape, perhaps reflecting Malvo's internal state or the impending violence.
  • Incorporate a visual or auditory cue that signifies Malvo's emotional state as he observes the deer. This could be a flashback, a memory, or even a fleeting expression that hints at his past, adding layers to his character.
  • Consider using more dynamic action verbs to describe the man's escape from the trunk. This could heighten the urgency of the moment and make the scene more visually engaging.
  • Explore the symbolism of the deer further. Perhaps include a line of dialogue or a thought from Malvo that connects the deer’s struggle to his own worldview, reinforcing the themes of survival and moral ambiguity.



Scene 2 -  The Sound Beneath
INT. KITCHEN. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

LESTER NYGAARD, 40, home for lunch, sits at the kitchen
table. Lester is the kind of guy who apologizes when you
step on his foot. His wife, PEARL, 39, is heating up a can
of soup at the stove. We get the sense she has been talking
nonstop since Lester walked in the door.

PEARL
-- Saturday. I said we’d bring a
Jello salad, but Kitty said
meatloaf, so --

The surging, churning sound is louder now, coming from under
the floor. Nygaard listens to it, both fascinated and
slightly disturbed.

PEARL (CONT’D)
(exasperated)
Hon?

LESTER NYGAARD
(snaps out of it)
What’s that, hon?

Pearl brings the pot over, ladles tomato soup into his bowl.

PEARL
(exasperated)
I said it’s Scotty’s birthday
Saturday. We’re supposed ta be at
your brother’s at one. With
meatloaf.

LESTER NYGAARD
(beat, listening)
It sounds different today, don’t ya
think? Angry.
3.


PEARL
I’m washing towels. That’s the
towel sound.

She sits. They eat.

PEARL (CONT’D)
Kitty says they just got one of
those fancy European all in ones.
Says it washes and dries. One
machine. Can you believe that?

LESTER NYGAARD
I bet that set them back a penny.

PEARL
He can afford it, your brother.
Kitty said he just got a big
promotion. After only working
there a year.

We can tell his brother is a touchy subject for Lester.

PEARL (CONT’D)
Kitty said they got one of those
new surround-sound systems too.
(Lester eats)
Guess I married the wrong Nygaard.
That’s what I said. We had a good
laugh.

LESTER NYGAARD
It’s just slow now. At the shop.

PEARL
Oh, hon. That’s what you always
say. Slow.

Beat. They eat. Lester wipes his mouth, stands.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, better get back to it.

PEARL
You make your own wins. That’s
what Kitty said Ron told her.
Salesmen make their own wins. You
gotta try harder, hon. Smile, for
Pete sake. Maybe wear a nicer tie.

LESTER NYGAARD
(looks down)
You gave me this tie.
4.


PEARL
Well, if you were a better
salesman, I’da bought you a nicer
tie.

The sound of the washing machine takes on a new urgency.

PEARL (CONT’D)
At least take a look. I keep
thinking maybe it’s the settings.
Kitty said Ron fixes things around
the house all the time. Says he
took the toaster apart over the
weekend. Good as new now. Browns
to beat the band.

Lester’s jaw is tight. He opens the door to the basement.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

Summary During a tense lunch at home, Lester Nygaard sits at the kitchen table, distracted by a strange noise coming from the basement while his wife Pearl talks incessantly about family matters and her brother's success. Their conversation reveals underlying marital tensions, with Pearl expressing frustration over Lester's lack of ambition and his feelings of inadequacy compared to his more successful brother. The scene culminates with Lester's decision to investigate the unsettling sound from the basement, symbolizing his desire to confront his discomfort.
Strengths
  • Naturalistic dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Establishing tone and atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and dynamic of the Nygaard's marriage, creating a sense of unease and discontent that sets the stage for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the everyday struggles and disappointments within a marriage is compelling and relatable, drawing the audience into the characters' lives.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it sets up important character dynamics and establishes the domestic backdrop against which future events will unfold.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring themes of success, self-worth, and familial relationships through subtle interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Lester and Pearl Nygaard are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and hint at deeper conflicts to come.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and transformation in Lester and Pearl Nygaard as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to navigate his feelings of inadequacy and frustration in comparison to his brother's success. This reflects his deeper need for validation and success.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to maintain a facade of contentment and normalcy in front of his wife, despite his inner turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is underlying tension and conflict in the scene, it is more subtle and internalized, setting the stage for future confrontations and developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, adding complexity to the characters' relationships and motivations.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the internal struggles and dissatisfaction of the characters rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene doesn't move the main plot forward significantly, but it establishes important character dynamics and sets the stage for future events and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the emotional depth and subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and curious about their motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of success and self-worth being tied to material possessions and societal status. This challenges Lester's beliefs about hard work and success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and dissatisfaction, drawing the audience into the emotional landscape of the characters' lives and setting the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is naturalistic and effectively conveys the tension and dissatisfaction between Lester and Pearl. It provides insight into their relationship and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the relatable and emotionally charged interactions between the characters, drawing the audience into their struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama, with a clear focus on character interactions and development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the mundane yet tense atmosphere of Lester's home life, contrasting his internal struggles with Pearl's incessant chatter. This dynamic is well-crafted, as it highlights Lester's discomfort and feelings of inadequacy, particularly in relation to his brother's success.
  • The use of the washing machine's sound as a metaphor for Lester's emotional state is a strong choice, symbolizing his feelings of being trapped and overwhelmed. However, the connection between the sound and Lester's internal conflict could be made clearer to enhance the thematic depth.
  • Pearl's dialogue is realistic and captures the essence of a nagging spouse, but it risks becoming repetitive. While it serves to illustrate Lester's frustration, varying her speech patterns or introducing a more dynamic exchange could maintain engagement.
  • The scene's pacing is somewhat uneven. The dialogue flows well, but the moments of silence and Lester's internal contemplation could be expanded to build tension further. This would allow the audience to feel Lester's growing agitation more acutely.
  • The transition from the domestic setting to the basement is intriguing, but it could benefit from a more explicit connection to the strange sound. This would create a stronger narrative thread leading into the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Lester reacts physically to the sound, such as fidgeting or glancing nervously at Pearl, to emphasize his discomfort and build tension.
  • Introduce a specific memory or thought that Lester has while listening to the sound, linking it to his feelings of inadequacy or frustration with his life. This could deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • Vary Pearl's dialogue to include more emotional nuance, perhaps showing moments of vulnerability or frustration of her own, which could create a more complex dynamic between the couple.
  • Incorporate more visual cues that reflect Lester's internal state, such as close-ups of his facial expressions or the way he interacts with his surroundings, to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Strengthen the connection between the sound and the basement by having Lester express a specific concern or fear about what might be causing it, foreshadowing his eventual descent into the basement.



Scene 3 -  Trapped in Sales
INT. BASEMENT. NYGAARD HOUSE - DAY

Lester stands at the bottom of the stairs. The washing
machine is acting like a caged animal, roaring and bucking.
Lester stares at it, hypnotized. We get the sense he’s
looking at his own trapped heart.

CUT TO:

INT. INSURANCE AGENCY. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lester Nygaard sits across from a YOUNG COUPLE.

LESTER NYGAARD
So, that’s -- like I said, there’s
two kinds of policies you should be
thinking about. You got your Whole
Life and your Whole Life Plus.
Which is -- has all the benefits of
Whole Life -- plus a heck of a lot
more.

YOUNG MAN
We just came in to get Charline on
my health care.

YOUNG WOMAN
On account of I’m having a baby.

YOUNG MAN
Ya. A boy we’re hoping.

YOUNG WOMAN
Or a little girl.
5.


YOUNG MAN
But definitely one or the other.

YOUNG WOMAN
Ya. I’d just about hug the pants
off a little girl.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh ya? Even more reason to -- all
the more --

He digs through his desk, pulls out a brochure.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
-- because, I mean, what happens if
you have an accident at your job?

YOUNG MAN
I work at the library.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, what if you’re in a car crash
and you go out the windshield? Or
say you’re on a ladder cleaning out
the gutters and fall off the darn
thing and break your neck. These
things happen every day. People
fall asleep smoking in bed and burn
ta death. What I’m saying is the
morgue is full of guys thought they
didn’t need life insurance.

The young couple stares at him, horrified.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(losing steam)
-- for peace of mind, I’m saying.
To know that your little boy --

YOUNG MAN
Or girl.

LESTER NYGAARD
Right. Or little girl is taken
care of.

YOUNG WOMAN
(beat, creeped out)
We’re supposed to be at my mom’s by
four.

YOUNG MAN
Ya, so we’re gonna --
6.


They stand, head for the door.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh. Okay, well -- at least let me
give you a brochure. Or I got
these nifty pens. Look at that.
Black and red ink. You just click
the -- Okay, well, come on back if
you --

The couple exits. Nygaard sits for a moment.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
Well, heck.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a tense scene, Lester Nygaard stands in his basement, captivated by a washing machine that reflects his emotional turmoil. He then meets a young couple at an insurance agency, attempting to sell them life insurance. However, his morbid examples and awkward demeanor unsettle them, leading to their quick exit. The scene highlights Lester's desperation and social ineptitude, culminating in his disappointment as he sits alone after their departure.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of tension and unease
  • Well-developed characters
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Lack of action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the tone and themes of the story, showcasing the internal conflict and external pressures faced by the protagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing Lester's personal struggles with his professional facade adds depth to his character and sets up potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of Lester's strained relationships and his attempts to navigate his personal and professional life.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the typical insurance sales pitch by infusing it with dark humor and awkward interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Lester's internal turmoil and facade of confidence effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 7

Lester's internal conflict and discomfort hint at potential character growth and change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to make a successful sale and prove his worth as an insurance salesman. This reflects his deeper need for validation and success in his career.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to convince the young couple to purchase a life insurance policy. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in making a sale and meeting his sales targets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is primarily internal, with Lester's struggle to maintain his facade while dealing with personal issues.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the young couple's skepticism and discomfort provide a challenge for Lester in making a successful sale.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily internal at this point, with Lester's personal and professional struggles coming to the forefront.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces key themes and conflicts that will likely drive the story forward, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the young couple to Lester's sales pitch and the awkwardness that ensues.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Lester's belief in the importance of life insurance for peace of mind and the young couple's skepticism and discomfort with the topic. This challenges Lester's values and worldview as he tries to convince them of the necessity of insurance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and discomfort, setting the tone for future developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue captures the awkwardness and tension of the scene, highlighting Lester's struggle to connect with the young couple.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the dark humor infused throughout, and the tension that builds as Lester tries to make a sale.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with humor, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The transition from the basement to the insurance agency is effective in showcasing Lester's internal struggle. The washing machine serves as a strong metaphor for his trapped emotions, but the connection could be made clearer through visual or auditory cues that link the two settings more explicitly.
  • Lester's dialogue with the young couple is awkward and uncomfortable, which effectively highlights his social ineptitude. However, the morbid examples he provides could be more subtly woven into the conversation to avoid feeling overly forced. This would enhance the realism of the scene and make the couple's discomfort more relatable.
  • The young couple's responses are somewhat generic and lack depth. Providing them with more distinct personalities or reactions could enhance the scene's tension and make their exit more impactful. This would also serve to further emphasize Lester's isolation and failure in social interactions.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial buildup with the washing machine is compelling, but the subsequent dialogue drags on without a strong climax. A more dynamic exchange or a moment of realization for Lester could elevate the stakes and provide a stronger emotional payoff.
  • The scene ends with Lester's resigned acceptance of the couple's departure, which is effective but could benefit from a more pronounced emotional reaction. This would reinforce his feelings of inadequacy and set the stage for his character development in subsequent scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where the sound of the washing machine morphs into the sound of the couple's conversation, creating an auditory link that emphasizes Lester's internal conflict.
  • Revise Lester's morbid examples to be more nuanced, perhaps by incorporating humor or irony that reflects his character while still unsettling the couple.
  • Develop the young couple's characters further by giving them unique traits or quirks that make their discomfort more pronounced and relatable, enhancing the scene's tension.
  • Introduce a moment of clarity or realization for Lester during the conversation that highlights his desperation or desire for connection, which could serve as a turning point in his character arc.
  • End the scene with a more visceral reaction from Lester, such as a physical manifestation of his frustration or despair, to leave the audience with a stronger emotional impact.



Scene 4 -  Humiliation at the Appliance Shop
EXT. APPLIANCE SHOP. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lester stands outside the store, staring in through the plate
glass window at a brand new washer dryer set. He’s wearing a
puffy orange coat and a wool hat with ear flaps.

An SUV pulls up down the block. SAM HESS, 40, climbs out
with his TWIN SONS, MICKEY and MOE, 15. Hess is a big guy,
intimidating. His boys look like two identical blocking
sleds.

SAM HESS
(to the driver)
Circle for a bit. I’m gonna feed
the boys.

The SUV pulls away. Hess and sons walk towards Lester.

MOE
Dad said I could get pie for lunch.

MICKEY
(snickers)
Ya. Hair pie.

Sam WACKS Mickey in the back of the head. Moe cracks up.
Oblivious, Lester stares at the washer dryer. Walking by,
Hess recognizes him.

SAM HESS
(stopping)
Will ya look at that. It’s Lester
Niggered.

Lester turns, sees Hess. It takes a moment for him to
recognize him, but when he does he looks nervous.
7.


LESTER NYGAARD
Come on now, Sam. It’s -- well,
it’s Nygaard. Same as in high
school.

MICKEY
You went to high school with Lester
Niggered, dad?

MOE
Ya, dad, did you --

SAM HESS
Shut up. How you been, Lester?

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, can’t complain.

SAM HESS
You look like a damn pumpkin. You
turn into a pumpkin at midnight?
You got stepsisters?

MICKEY
Stepsisters were evil, dad. They
weren’t fairies.

SAM HESS
Shutup.

LESTER NYGAARD
Um, uh. You look good, Sam.

SAM HESS
Why wouldn’t I? Got my own
trucking company now. Hess and
Sons. These are the sons. God help
me.

MICKEY
Yeah, we’re the ...

SAM HESS
Shutup. Got rigs all over the
Great Lakes.
(to his sons)
Hey, you remember I told you the
story of the boy I put in the oil
drum and rolled onto the highway?

MICKEY
Is that him, dad?
8.


MOE
Ya, dad. Is that him?

SAM HESS
Oh you betcha. Good old Lester
pencil dick. Say, Lester. What
was the name of that girl you went
with in high school? The curvy
one?

LESTER NYGAARD
Pearl.

SAM HESS
Ya, Pearl. What a rack on that
girl.

MOE
(to Mickey)
Dad’s saying she had big titties.

MICKEY
I know what rack means, ya fairy.

Hess smacks both boys in the back of the head.

MICKEY (CONT’D)
Ow.

MOE
Ya, dad. Ow.

SAM HESS
(to Lester)
You know she gave me a tug once.
Homecoming, senior year. Had these
nice fat hands. Real soft. Let me
feel up her tits while she did it.

LESTER NYGAARD
We’re married now. Going on
eighteen years.

Sam is taken off guard by this. The kids crack up.

MICKEY
Oh, dad. That’s embarrassing.

MOE
Ya, dad. Super embarrassing.

Hess’s eyes narrow. His face is burning and he doesn’t like
the feeling.
9.


SAM HESS
Eighteen years, huh? That’s
something.
(beat)
Never knew what she saw in you,
really.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, well --

SAM HESS
I mean, help me out. No looks. Or
brains. Or money.

Lester can tell he’s in danger.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Well. I should get back to it.

But Hess moves in front of Lester.

SAM HESS
A little guy like you.

MICKEY
He’s real small dad.

MOE
A real pee wee.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ha. Ya. Real good seeing you, Sam.
Real good. And meeting your boys.

But Hess won’t let him go

SAM HESS
(to his sons)
Did I ever tell you how I used to
beat this little guy up in high
school? I’d write my name on my
fist in Sharpie fore I punched him,
so everyone would know who did it.

MICKEY
That’s a good one, dad.

MOE
Ya, dad. A real good one.

Hess lifts his fist, shows Lester.

SAM HESS
Remember?
10.


LESTER NYGAARD
Ha. Ya. That was -- a long time
ago.

Slowly, Hess moves his fist right in front of Lester’s face,
enjoying his fear. Lester stands there, humiliated, not
knowing what to do. Hating his helplessness, his base
cowardice.

Then Hess drops his fist and smiles to show it’s all just a
big joke. Lester starts to relax. Then HESS FAKES A PUNCH.
Lester panics, turns and RUNS FACE FIRST into the PLATE GLASS
WINDOW of the appliance store -- CRACK! He falls to the
ground, lays on his back.

MICKEY
Geez, dad. His face is pretty
messed up.

MOE
Ya, dad. It’s real messed up.

CLOSE UP OF LESTER’S FACE

As he lays there, his nose broken and bleeding, staring up at
the sky. Beat. We PULL OUT and discover we are now in ...
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Lester Nygaard stands outside an appliance shop, fixated on a washer dryer set, when Sam Hess arrives with his twin sons, Mickey and Moe. Hess mocks Lester about their high school days, escalating the tension with taunts about Lester's past and marriage. The situation turns intimidating as Hess pretends to punch Lester, causing him to panic and run into a glass window, injuring himself. The scene captures the dark humor and humiliation Lester experiences, ending with him lying on the ground, hurt and vulnerable.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective character dynamics
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially offensive language and behavior

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with tension, creating a compelling and memorable interaction between characters. The power dynamics and past history add depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a reunion between a bullied character and his former tormentor is engaging and sets up a conflict that drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the unexpected encounter between Lester and Sam Hess, leading to a confrontation that escalates the tension.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique approach to depicting power dynamics and intimidation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene, making it stand out in its portrayal of small-town dynamics and casual racism.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and a history that influences their interactions. The dialogue reveals their dynamics and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Lester experiences humiliation and fear, showcasing a shift in his character as he confronts his past tormentor.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to avoid confrontation and maintain a sense of dignity in the face of intimidation and humiliation. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and respect, as well as his fear of being seen as weak or inferior.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal in this scene is to avoid physical harm and navigate the tense interaction with Sam Hess and his sons. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a threatening situation and maintaining his safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Sam Hess is palpable, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sam Hess and his sons posing a significant threat to Lester's safety and dignity. The audience is kept on edge by the shifting power dynamics and moments of intimidation, creating a sense of unpredictability and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Lester faces his past bully and must navigate a tense and potentially dangerous situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the history between characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the interactions between the characters. The reader is kept on edge by the shifting power dynamics and moments of dark humor, creating a sense of unease and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between power and vulnerability, dominance and submission. This challenges Lester's beliefs about his own worth and strength, as well as his worldview about how to handle confrontation and intimidation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to discomfort, adding depth to the character interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, mixing humor with underlying tension. It reveals the power dynamics and history between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and uncomfortable interactions between the characters, as well as the dark humor and tension that permeate the dialogue. The reader is drawn into the scene through the power dynamics and underlying conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and conflict gradually, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation and humiliation. The rhythm of the scene enhances the reader's engagement and investment in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are effectively conveyed, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the interactions between the characters. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the power dynamics and underlying tensions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the dynamic between Lester and Sam Hess, showcasing the bullying and intimidation that Lester faces. The dialogue is sharp and captures the essence of high school rivalries, but it could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Lester's nervousness is palpable, but the scene could explore his internal conflict more explicitly. While the dialogue conveys his discomfort, adding visual cues or internal monologue could enhance the audience's understanding of his emotional state.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly from the sons, provides a contrast to the tension, but it risks undermining the seriousness of Lester's predicament. Balancing the comedic elements with the darker undertones of bullying could create a more cohesive tone.
  • The physical comedy of Lester running into the glass window is effective, but it may come off as too slapstick compared to the otherwise tense atmosphere. Consider refining this moment to maintain the tension while still allowing for a moment of levity.
  • The scene ends abruptly after the physical comedy, which may leave the audience wanting more context or resolution. A brief moment of reflection from Lester after the incident could provide insight into his feelings of humiliation and fear, setting up the stakes for his character moving forward.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more internal conflict for Lester, perhaps through brief internal monologues or visual cues that reflect his feelings of inadequacy and fear as he interacts with Hess.
  • Consider adding a moment where Lester tries to stand up for himself, even if it’s a small gesture, to create a more dynamic character arc and show his struggle against his bully.
  • Balance the humor from the sons with the tension of the scene by ensuring that their jokes do not overshadow Lester's emotional turmoil. This could involve making their humor more subtle or situational rather than overt.
  • Refine the physical comedy of Lester running into the glass window to maintain the tension. Perhaps he could stumble back in a more controlled manner, allowing for a moment of realization before the impact.
  • End the scene with a reflective moment for Lester, perhaps showing him on the ground contemplating his situation, which would deepen the emotional impact and set the stage for his character development.



Scene 5 -  Confronting Shadows
INT. WAITING ROOM. HOSPITAL. SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

Lester, now sitting, lifts an ice pack to his nose. He is on
a bench in the emergency room. And just as we realize this,
we see that sitting next to him is LORNE MALVO, a nasty
bruise and cut on his forehead from the car crash.

Lester lowers the ice pack. Beat.

LESTER NYGAARD
What a day.
(to a passing nurse)
Excuse me, miss. Do ya think --
will it be much longer? This thing
hurts like the dickens.

NURSE
We’ll call your name.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, but I been here an hour
already.

NURSE
We’ll call your name.
11.


She walks away. Lester opens a soda, tries to drink, but it
hurts too much. He puts the soda down.

MALVO
Could I have a sip?

Lester turns. Malvo is looking at him.

LESTER NYGAARD
Heck, take the whole can. I can’t
drink the darn thing without a
straw.

He hands Malvo the soda. Malvo tips it back and drains it.
Lester tries not to stare at Malvo’s head injury.

MALVO
Obliged.
(puts down the can)
What happened to your nose?

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, well. That was just -- a
misunderstanding.

MALVO
Is that you misunderstanding the
other fella, or him
misunderstanding you?

LESTER NYGAARD
Pardon?

MALVO
Who misunderstood whom?

LESTER NYGAARD
No. What I’m saying is -- it’s not
good to dwell on these things.

MALVO
Why?

LESTER NYGAARD
Pardon?

MALVO
Why is not good to dwell on things?
Especially things that put you in
the hospital.

Beat. Lester doesn’t know what to say. Malvo watches him.
12.


LESTER NYGAARD
It was -- I was outnumbered if you
wanna know the truth. Three to
one. Big guys too. Well, one of
them. The other two were just
kids. But big fer their age.
(beat, getting worked up)
Ya know -- if I was any kind of man
-- I’da shown that Sam what’s what.

MALVO
Sam?

LESTER NYGAARD
Hess. He was a bully in high
school and he’s a bully now.

MALVO
So why didn’t you?
(off Lester)
Show him what’s what.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, his, uh, he had his sons with
him, and --

MALVO
So you let a man beat you in front
of his children. To send them a
message.

LESTER NYGAARD
No. That’s not --
(frustrated)
Heck. Just -- heck.

MALVO
In my experience, you let a man
break your nose, next time he’ll
try to break your spine.

LESTER NYGAARD
Sam? No way. I mean, I don’t think.
It’s just -- I guess I embarrassed
him in front of his boys.

MALVO
You embarrassed him.

LESTER NYGAARD
By -- he was telling me about a
time when he and my wife -- see,
they --
(gesturing)
(MORE)
13.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT'D)
-- but he didn’t know she was my
wife, is the thing. And when I
told him --

MALVO
A man slept with your wife, and
you’re worried you embarrassed him.

LESTER NYGAARD
Not slept with -- they didn’t -- he
said it was just -- she has soft
hands, see? -- and I --

MALVO
Mister, we’re not friends. Maybe
one day we will be. But I gotta
say, if that was me -- in your
position -- I woulda killed that
man.

LESTER NYGAARD
Well, now. Hold on.

MALVO
You said he bullied you in high
school?

LESTER NYGAARD
(reluctantly)
Four years. Gave me an ulcer.
(humiliated)
One time he put me in an oil barrel
and rolled me in the road.

MALVO
Seriously?
(Lester nods)
And now he tells you he had
relations with your wife. Then
bullies you again in front of his
children. Friend, this is not a
man who deserves to draw breath.

Beat. All the humiliation and pain Lester has suffered
threatens to bubble up.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Okay. But here’s the thing --

MALVO
No. That is the thing.
14.


LESTER NYGAARD
(beat)
Well -- heck -- I mean, okay.
Okay. But what am I supposed ta do?
(beat)
Heck, you’re so sure about it,
maybe you should just kill him for
me.

MALVO
(beat)
Are you asking me to kill this man?

LESTER NYGAARD
No. That was -- I was joking.

The nurse walks up.

NURSE
Mr. Nygaard.

Lester looks at Malvo.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, that’s -- just a second.
(to Malvo)
We’re just two fellas talking,
right? Just blowing off steam?

Malvo studies him.

NURSE
Sir, it’s real busy --

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, like I said -- just a second.

MALVO
Sam. Hess.

LESTER NYGAARD
No. Now wait just a second --
that’s not --

NURSE
Sir!

But Lester is focused on Malvo, like a mouse hypnotised by a
snake.

MALVO
One word. Yes. Or no.
15.


Lester looks at him, feeling a strange tickle down his spine.
All he has to do is say no, but he doesn’t.

NURSE
Sir, I’m gonna give your spot to --

LESTER NYGAARD
(stands)
Ya, I’m -- I’m coming for Pete
sake.

He shares one last moment of eye contact with Malvo, then
grabs his coat and hat, follows the nurse to an exam room.
Malvo watches him go.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense hospital waiting room, Lester Nygaard, nursing an injury from a recent fight, encounters the enigmatic Lorne Malvo, who bears his own wounds from a car crash. Their conversation delves into Lester's painful past of being bullied by Sam Hess, with Malvo provoking Lester to confront his feelings of humiliation and frustration. As Malvo suggests retaliation, Lester jokingly asks him to kill Hess, highlighting his desperation. The scene culminates with Lester being called by a nurse, leaving Malvo behind as he grapples with the unsettling implications of their exchange.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly predictable character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with strong dialogue and character dynamics, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revenge and power dynamics is effectively explored through the interaction between Lester and Malvo, adding depth to the characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as we see Lester's internal struggle and potential shift towards a darker path, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of masculinity, power dynamics, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to familiar narrative tropes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Lester and Malvo are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal conflict, making them compelling to watch.

Character Changes: 7

Lester undergoes a subtle shift in this scene, moving towards a darker and more assertive side of his character, setting up potential changes in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to assert his masculinity and regain a sense of power and control after being humiliated by a bully. This reflects his deeper need for validation, respect, and self-worth.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to seek medical attention for his injuries and navigate the hospital bureaucracy. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with physical pain and discomfort.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester and Malvo is palpable, with underlying tension and power dynamics at play, creating a sense of unease and anticipation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values, power dynamics, and moral choices driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left uncertain of how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as we see Lester grappling with the idea of revenge and violence, potentially leading to drastic consequences for himself and others.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between characters, setting up future events, and revealing new layers of the characters' motivations and dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and unexpected character choices. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of revenge, justice, and moral ambiguity. Malvo challenges Lester's beliefs about standing up for oneself and taking action against those who wronged him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to frustration to intimidation, as we see the characters' internal struggles and potential for violence.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals a lot about the characters' motivations and emotions, driving the scene forward and building suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, psychological depth, and subtle character dynamics. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense dynamic between Lester and Malvo, showcasing their contrasting personalities. Malvo's calm, predatory demeanor juxtaposed with Lester's nervousness creates a palpable tension that keeps the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reveals character motivations well. Malvo's probing questions force Lester to confront his insecurities and past humiliations, which adds depth to both characters. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact.
  • The use of the hospital setting is symbolic, representing both physical and emotional wounds. This adds a layer of meaning to their conversation, as both characters are literally and metaphorically injured. However, the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere.
  • Lester's internal conflict is well portrayed, particularly his struggle between wanting to assert himself and his ingrained submissiveness. However, the transition from his frustration to jokingly asking Malvo to kill Hess feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the believability of his character arc.
  • The ending of the scene leaves the audience with a sense of foreboding, as Lester's hesitation to say 'no' to Malvo suggests a potential shift in his character. This is a strong choice, but it could be emphasized further to heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the waiting room's sterile environment or the sounds of the hospital could immerse the audience further.
  • Tighten some of the dialogue to make it more impactful. For example, Malvo's lines could be more concise to maintain the scene's pacing and tension.
  • Explore Lester's internal thoughts more explicitly during the conversation. This could help the audience understand his emotional turmoil and the weight of Malvo's words.
  • Smooth out the transition when Lester jokingly asks Malvo to kill Hess. Perhaps include a moment of hesitation or a specific trigger that leads him to make that statement, reinforcing his desperation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual cue or action that symbolizes Lester's internal conflict, such as him gripping the ice pack tighter or a close-up of his eyes reflecting fear and uncertainty.



Scene 6 -  Cold Discoveries
EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY. SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

The site of Malvo’s accident. The car is still there, its
trunk now closed. TWO POLICE CARS are parked nearby, lights
flashing. DEPUTY MOLLY SOLVERSON, 29 stands behind the
wreck, kicking her feet to stay warm.

A THIRD CAR pulls up. Police Chief VERN THURMAN (40s) gets
out. Molly comes over to greet him.

MOLLY
Cold enough for ya, chief?

VERN
Supposed to get down to negative
ten later.

MOLLY
Heard that. Don’t much like the
sound of negative.

VERN
Thought I might strip down to my
shorts. Work on my tan.
(nods)
So what’s this here then?

Molly shows him the scene.

MOLLY
Chief, I arrived on the scene at
thirteen hundred hours, found this
late model Ford. Looks like she
rolled a few times. I found a set
of footprints leading away from the
car.
(MORE)
16.

MOLLY (CONT'D)
Possible our driver, injured, got
confused, wandered into the woods.
I was about to investigate.

Vern circles the car, crouches at the front grill.

VERN
Blood here. Hair too.

MOLLY
Saw that. I was thinkin’ maybe a
deer, but couldn’t find the
evidence.

Vern walks out into the road, looking for something. Fresh
snow covers everything. Vern does some mental calculations,
picks a spot and kicks the snow away.

VERN
Here it is.

Molly looks down, sees the underlayer of snow is pink with
blood.

MOLLY
Son of a gun.

Vern walks back to the car. The driver’s door is open.

VERN
(leans in)
Windshield’s cracked. Blood there
too. Driver musta hit his head

MOLLY
Or her head.

Vern hears something, straightens. It comes again louder.
THUMPING. From the trunk.

VERN
You check the trunk?

MOLLY
No, sir.

The thumping continues. Vern and Molly approach the trunk.

ANGLE ON THE TRUNK

Something is inside, banging.
17.


VERN

Thinks about opening it, the pros and cons.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Should I unholster my sidearm?

VERN
Not unless you think there’s a
ninja inside.

He reaches down and pops the trunk. It swings open,
revealing:

THE DEER

Still alive, flailing weakly.

VERN AND MOLLY

Look at the deer.

MOLLY
Huh.

Vern takes out his gun, puts the deer out of its misery. They
stand for a moment in silence, breath misty.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
(beat)
So -- wanna take a look at those
footprints then?

VERN
Sounds good.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Deputy Molly Solverson and Police Chief Vern Thurman investigate a car accident on a snowy highway in Saint Cloud, MN. They find evidence suggesting the driver may have wandered into the woods, leading them to suspect an injury. Upon hearing thumping from the trunk of the wrecked car, they discover an injured deer, which Vern puts down to end its suffering. The scene blends dark humor with somberness as Molly suggests they follow the footprints to continue their investigation.
Strengths
  • Effective setup of mystery and suspense
  • Intriguing concept with the wounded deer in the trunk
  • Strong atmospheric tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a sense of mystery and suspense with the discovery of the deer in the trunk and the investigation by the police officers. The cold and unsettling tone adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding a wounded deer in the trunk of a car after an accident is unique and intriguing. It sets up a series of questions and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the investigation of the car accident and the discovery of the deer in the trunk. It moves the story forward by introducing new elements and raising questions for the audience.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic mystery setup, blending elements of police procedural with small-town charm. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Deputy Molly Solverson and Police Chief Vern Thurman are introduced in this scene, and their interactions provide insight into their personalities and the dynamics between them.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character development or change in this scene, as the focus is more on the investigation and discovery of the deer.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve the mystery of the accident and find out what happened to the driver. This reflects her deeper desire to uncover the truth and bring justice to the situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the accident scene, gather evidence, and follow leads to solve the case. This reflects the immediate challenge of determining the cause of the accident and finding the driver.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict in the scene as the police officers investigate the car accident and the mysterious thumping sound coming from the trunk. The tension builds as they uncover the wounded deer.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters, but not overwhelming. The mystery of the accident and the unexpected discovery of the deer add complexity and intrigue to the investigation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the discovery of the wounded deer in the trunk, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and raising questions for the audience. It sets up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with the deer in the trunk, adding a surprising and memorable moment to the investigation. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' duty to uphold the law and their compassion towards the injured deer. This challenges their beliefs about justice and mercy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of the scene is limited, focusing more on the mystery and suspense elements rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is functional and serves to move the investigation forward. It provides necessary information and helps establish the tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intriguing setup, well-developed characters, and subtle tension. The dialogue and interactions between the characters draw the reader in and keep them invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description. The rhythm builds tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a clear setup, investigation process, and reveal of new information. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a cold, tense atmosphere that mirrors the emotional state of the characters. The dialogue between Molly and Vern is light-hearted yet serves to highlight the seriousness of the situation, creating a contrast that adds depth to their characters.
  • The use of humor, particularly Vern's quip about stripping down to his shorts, helps to break the tension and makes the characters more relatable. However, the humor could be balanced with a stronger sense of urgency regarding the investigation, as the scene feels somewhat leisurely given the potential danger of an injured driver in the woods.
  • The description of the setting is vivid, and the visual elements, such as the blood on the snow and the deer in the trunk, are impactful. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the biting cold or the sounds of the environment, which would immerse the audience further.
  • The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic. While it serves to convey information, it lacks subtext and emotional weight. Adding layers to their conversation could reveal more about their personalities and their relationship, making the scene more engaging.
  • The transition from the investigation to the discovery of the deer is effective, but the moment could be heightened with more tension. The thumping from the trunk builds suspense, but the reveal of the deer feels somewhat anticlimactic. A stronger buildup to this moment could enhance the impact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the cold air, the crunch of snow underfoot, or the distant sounds of the woods to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue between Molly and Vern. This could involve hints at their personal lives or past experiences that inform their current attitudes, making their interaction feel more layered.
  • Increase the tension leading up to the trunk reveal. Perhaps include more hesitation or concern from Molly and Vern about what they might find, which could heighten the suspense and make the eventual discovery more impactful.
  • Explore the emotional reactions of Molly and Vern after the deer is shot. This could provide insight into their characters and add depth to the scene, showing how they cope with the harsh realities of their job.
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to make it snappier and more engaging. This could involve cutting unnecessary lines or rephrasing to create a more natural flow that reflects their camaraderie while still addressing the seriousness of the situation.



Scene 7 -  Chilling Discovery
EXT. WOODS. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DUSK

Vern and Molly, flashlights on, trudge through the deep snow.

MOLLY
(beat, walking)
How’s Ida?

VERN
Any day now.

MOLLY
You got a name picked out?
18.


VERN
I can’t even get that woman to
decide what color to paint the
nursery.

MOLLY
(beat, walking)
Can’t believe I missed that deer in
the trunk.

VERN
Don’t be. I been doin this a long
time. Never checked for a deer in
the trunk. (Beat) Or any wildlife.

Molly sees something.

MOLLY
Chief.

He looks where her flashlight is pointed. There, sitting in
the snow, is A MAN IN HIS UNDERWEAR, frozen to death.

VERN
(beat)
Okay.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary As Vern and Molly navigate the snowy woods at dusk, their light-hearted conversation about impending fatherhood takes a dark turn when they stumble upon a frozen man in his underwear. The shocking discovery interrupts their banter, shifting the tone from humorous to unsettling and leaving them in a state of suspense.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Mysterious tone
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a tense and mysterious tone, introducing a significant plot point that propels the story forward. The dialogue and atmosphere create a sense of foreboding and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of discovering a frozen body in the woods adds a layer of mystery and suspense to the narrative, hinting at deeper secrets and conflicts to be revealed. The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of the frozen body, raising questions and increasing the stakes for the characters involved. The scene introduces a key element that will drive the story forward and deepen the central mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar setting by combining elements of mystery and humor in a police procedural context. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While the characters in this scene are not extensively developed, their reactions to the discovery of the body and the unfolding events hint at their individual motivations and fears. The interaction between Vern and Molly adds depth to their dynamic and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the discovery of the frozen body sets the stage for potential transformations and revelations in the future. The characters' reactions hint at internal struggles and fears that may drive their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Vern's internal goal is to navigate the challenges of impending fatherhood and the responsibilities that come with it. This reflects his deeper need for stability and his fear of not being able to provide for his family.

External Goal: 7

Vern's external goal is to investigate the discovery of the frozen man in his underwear and potentially solve the mystery surrounding his death. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected situations in his job as a police officer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with the implications of the discovery and the mysteries it presents. The tension between Vern and Molly adds a layer of conflict that will likely escalate in future scenes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and challenge the characters' expectations, adding complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the discovery of the frozen body hints at dangerous secrets and conflicts that will impact the characters' lives. The tension and suspense create a sense of urgency and importance, raising the stakes for all involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key plot point that will drive the narrative and deepen the central mystery. The discovery of the frozen body raises questions and sets the stage for further developments, propelling the story into new territory.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of the frozen man, adding a layer of mystery and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' expectations of a routine patrol and the sudden discovery of the frozen man, challenging their beliefs about the predictability of their job and the nature of life and death.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and foreboding, creating an emotional impact through its dark and mysterious atmosphere. The discovery of the frozen body adds a layer of suspense and intrigue, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying tension and unease through subtle exchanges between the characters. The dialogue effectively sets the tone and foreshadows the challenges to come.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the blend of mystery, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to uncover the mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a gradual buildup of tension and the introduction of a compelling mystery.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Vern and Molly effectively establishes their relationship and the mundane aspects of their lives, which contrasts sharply with the dark discovery they are about to make. However, the conversation could benefit from more subtext to deepen their characters and the stakes of the situation. For instance, they could share a personal anecdote or concern that hints at their emotional states, making the moment feel more layered.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from their light banter to the discovery of the frozen man feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the reveal could enhance the tension. Perhaps they could hear something unusual in the woods before spotting the man, creating a sense of foreboding.
  • The visual description of the setting is minimal. Expanding on the environment could enhance the atmosphere. Describing the eerie quiet of the woods, the biting cold, or the way the snow crunches underfoot would immerse the audience more fully in the scene.
  • The line 'Okay' from Vern after discovering the frozen man feels underwhelming given the gravity of the situation. This moment should evoke a stronger emotional response. Consider giving Vern a more expressive reaction that reflects the shock and horror of the discovery, which would also serve to heighten the tension.
  • Molly's line about missing the deer in the trunk is a nice touch of dark humor, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to her character's feelings about the case or her role as a deputy. This would not only provide comic relief but also deepen her character's perspective on the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to Vern and Molly's dialogue to reveal their emotional states and deepen their characters. Consider incorporating personal anecdotes or concerns that hint at their lives outside of work.
  • Introduce a gradual build-up to the discovery of the frozen man. Perhaps they could hear an unusual sound or notice something off in the environment before spotting him, creating a sense of foreboding.
  • Enhance the visual description of the setting to create a more immersive atmosphere. Describe the eerie quiet of the woods, the biting cold, and the way the snow crunches underfoot to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Revise Vern's reaction to the discovery of the frozen man to evoke a stronger emotional response. Consider giving him a line that reflects shock or horror, which would heighten the tension and gravity of the moment.
  • Tie Molly's dark humor about the deer in the trunk to her character's feelings about the case or her role as a deputy. This would provide comic relief while also deepening her perspective on the unfolding events.



Scene 8 -  Anticipation at Home
INT. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Vern comes home. He hangs his heavy coat on the wall.

VERN
Hiya, hon.

IDA (O.S.)
In the kitchen.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN. THURMAN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Vern enters, kisses his wife. IDA (30s) is eight months
pregnant.

VERN
Something smells good.

IDA
(touches her belly)
Your boy wanted a hamburger.
19.


VERN
Sounds like my boy.

Vern goes into the

BEDROOM

Takes off his holster, locks his gun in the safe. Heading
back to the kitchen, Vern stops outside the BABY’S ROOM. All
the furniture -- crib, changing table, etc -- has been pushed
to the center. We see a tarp, paint trays and clean rollers
on the floor.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Vern returns home to his pregnant wife, Ida, who is preparing dinner and playfully mentions their unborn son's craving for a hamburger. As Vern secures his gun, he notices the disarray in the baby's room, filled with painting supplies, reflecting their preparations for the new arrival. The scene captures the couple's warm and intimate connection as they share their excitement for their growing family.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Complex character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel slightly predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts that will likely unfold in future scenes. The mix of personal and professional dynamics adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the expectations and tensions within relationships and personal struggles is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and reveals underlying tensions and conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its focus on the mundane yet meaningful moments of family life, with authentic character interactions and a realistic portrayal of domesticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and internal struggles.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and changes as the tensions and conflicts within the characters are revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

Vern's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his wife and unborn child, expressing his love and excitement for their growing family. This reflects his deeper need for family and belonging, as well as his fears and desires for a happy and fulfilling home life.

External Goal: 7

Vern's external goal in this scene is to unwind after work and prepare for the arrival of his baby by securing his gun in the safe and checking on the progress of the baby's room renovation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains interpersonal conflicts and tensions that add depth to the narrative and set up future confrontations.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with the tension in the baby's room renovation serving as a subtle obstacle for the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The scene establishes high stakes through the personal and professional tensions faced by the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up conflicts and tensions that will likely drive future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it hints at tension in the baby's room renovation, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene. The focus is on the domestic setting and the anticipation of a new family member.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tensions and anxieties present in the scene, adding depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's interest in the characters' personal lives and the anticipation of a new family member.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation, with a gradual reveal of the baby's room renovation adding a sense of mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a domestic drama, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, character interactions, and a hint of tension in the baby's room renovation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of domesticity and warmth through the interaction between Vern and Ida, which contrasts with the darker themes present in the overall narrative. This juxtaposition can heighten the tension as the story progresses.
  • The dialogue is natural and reveals character dynamics well. Vern's casual greeting and Ida's response about their unborn child craving a hamburger create a relatable and tender moment, grounding the characters in their reality.
  • The visual description of the baby's room being in disarray with furniture pushed to the center and painting supplies scattered adds an element of foreboding. It hints at the chaos that may be brewing beneath the surface of their seemingly happy life.
  • However, the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional hook. While the domestic moment is sweet, it lacks a sense of urgency or conflict that would make it more compelling within the context of the larger narrative. The audience may feel disconnected from the stakes involved.
  • The transition between the kitchen and the bedroom feels a bit abrupt. A more fluid movement between these spaces could enhance the pacing and maintain the emotional flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue or a brief action that hints at Vern's concerns about the dangers of his job or the world outside, which would create a stronger contrast with the domestic bliss and foreshadow potential conflict.
  • Incorporate a moment where Vern notices something unsettling in the baby's room, such as a misplaced item or a sign of disarray that could symbolize the chaos to come, enhancing the tension.
  • Explore the use of sound or background elements in the kitchen scene to create a more immersive atmosphere. For example, the sound of a news report about local crime could subtly underscore the tension.
  • Add a brief moment of hesitation or concern from Vern as he locks away his gun, which could foreshadow the violence that will later invade their lives, making the audience more aware of the impending danger.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for more interaction between Vern and Ida, perhaps discussing their hopes and fears about parenthood, which would deepen their characters and make the audience more invested in their fate.



Scene 9 -  Dinner Conversations: Dark Humor and Nursery Dreams
INT. KITCHEN. THURMAN HOUSE - NIGHT

Vern and Ida eat dinner.

VERN
(beat)
Molly found a wreck out one
thirteen. Looks like the driver
tried ta head out on foot, but got
lost, froze ta death in the woods.

IDA
Oh my.

VERN
Ya. Funny thing is, the fella was
just wearing underpants.

IDA
That so?

VERN
Ya. No ID. Nothin. Couldn’t find
his clothes anywhere.

IDA
Maybe he ate ‘em.

Vern nods like that’s a real possibility, then smiles. They
eat for a bit.

IDA (CONT’D)
I was thinking maybe blue. For the
nursery.

VERN
Ya?
20.


IDA
Earlier. I was thinking maybe
blue, but then I changed my mind.

VERN
Blue’s nice.

IDA
Maybe green.

Vern nods. We can tell they’ve been having this conversation
for months.

VERN
Green’s possible.
(beat)
Well, I’m ready to get painting.
Soon as you decide.

IDA
You’re a good man, Vern Thurman.
My sister was crazy telling me not
to marry you.

VERN
(beat, chews)
Your sister is crazy.

They eat for a while in comfortable silence.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the cozy kitchen of the Thurman house, Vern shares a morbidly humorous story about a man who died in the woods, leading to a playful exchange with Ida about the man's unusual state of undress. As they discuss colors for the nursery in preparation for their baby, their conversation reflects a deep familiarity and affection, blending dark humor with warmth. The scene concludes with a comfortable silence, underscoring their strong bond.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Subtle emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the relationship between Vern and Ida through their dinner conversation, creating a sense of intimacy and tension. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important aspects of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the domestic life of Vern and Ida through a simple dinner conversation is well-executed. It provides insight into their relationship dynamics and adds depth to their characters.

Plot: 7

While the plot does not advance significantly in this scene, it serves to develop the characters of Vern and Ida and establish the tone of their relationship. The mention of the mysterious frozen man adds a layer of intrigue to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its focus on mundane yet meaningful interactions between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Vern and Ida are well-developed characters with distinct personalities that shine through in their dialogue and interactions. Their relationship is portrayed authentically, with nuances that make them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it deepens the understanding of Vern and Ida's personalities and relationship dynamics. The subtle nuances in their interactions hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of connection and understanding with his partner, Ida. This reflects his deeper desire for stability and companionship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to support Ida in her decision-making process about the nursery color. This reflects the immediate challenge of making joint decisions and maintaining harmony in their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, primarily revolving around the decision of nursery colors and the mention of the mysterious frozen man. The tension between Vern and Ida is more emotional than overtly confrontational.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, adding depth to the characters' interactions and highlighting their differing perspectives and priorities.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the personal dynamics between Vern and Ida rather than high-stakes conflicts or events. The mention of the frozen man adds a layer of intrigue but does not raise the stakes significantly.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides valuable insights into the characters of Vern and Ida. It sets the tone for their relationship and hints at potential developments related to the mysterious frozen man.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable in its subtle shifts in tone and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the characters' motivations and relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the characters' differing opinions on the nursery color. This challenges their values and communication styles, highlighting their individual perspectives and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intimacy and warmth through the interactions between Vern and Ida. Their relationship dynamics and subtle emotions create an emotional connection with the audience, making the scene engaging and relatable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is natural and realistic, capturing the essence of a typical dinner conversation between a couple. It reveals subtle emotions and tensions, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, authentic dialogue, and subtle humor that draws the audience into the intimate world of the Thurman household.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue, creating a sense of intimacy and realism.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character development, adhering to the expected structure for a domestic drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the dark subject matter of a man's death with the light-hearted domesticity of Vern and Ida's dinner conversation. This contrast creates a unique tone that reflects the absurdity of life in the face of tragedy, which is a hallmark of the script's overall theme.
  • Vern's storytelling about the frozen man is engaging and serves to deepen the audience's understanding of the world they inhabit—one where death is a part of everyday conversation. However, the humor in Ida's response about the man possibly having eaten his clothes feels slightly forced and could benefit from a more natural flow.
  • The dialogue between Vern and Ida is realistic and captures the essence of a couple preparing for a new baby, but it risks becoming repetitive. The back-and-forth about nursery colors, while relatable, could be tightened to maintain the audience's engagement and avoid redundancy.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the transitions between the morbid topic and the nursery discussion could be smoother. The abrupt shifts in tone may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A more gradual transition could enhance the flow.
  • The visual elements, such as the disarray in the nursery, effectively symbolize the chaos of impending parenthood. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details—like the smell of the food or the sounds of the kitchen—to create a richer atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider rephrasing Ida's line about the man possibly eating his clothes to make it feel more organic and less like a punchline. This could involve a more subtle or nuanced reaction that aligns with her character's personality.
  • Tighten the dialogue about nursery colors by having Vern and Ida agree on a color more quickly, perhaps with a humorous twist that reflects their ongoing discussions without dragging it out.
  • Introduce a brief moment of silence or reflection after Vern shares the story about the frozen man, allowing the weight of the situation to settle before shifting back to the nursery conversation. This could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene. Describe the aroma of the food, the clinking of utensils, or the warmth of the kitchen to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider adding a visual cue or action that reflects Vern's internal thoughts about the story he just shared, perhaps a moment where he glances at the nursery preparations, linking the themes of life and death more explicitly.



Scene 10 -  Tension in the Garage
INT. HESS TRUCKING COMPANY. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

A large garage housing a raised DISPATCH OFFICE. Through the
office window we see Sam talking to BRUCE GOLD (40s). Gold is
Sam’s lawyer. TWO BIG GUYS sit with them.

In the main garage there is a big rig parked along the far
wall. The logo on the trailer reads NARCOL. Sam Hess’s
truck is parked next to it.

Boxes of INFLATABLE WOMEN are stacked against the wall.
Mickey and Moe have one of them open. Mickey is using a high
pressure air hose to fill up one of the women. She gets
fatter and fatter, then explodes. They crack up.

MOE
Dad said we should take turns.

MICKEY
Dad told me he thinks you’re
retarded.
21.


Moe attacks him. They wrestle. Mickey gets Moe in a
headlock. Lorne Malvo enters the garage, watches them.

MALVO
You’re doing it wrong. You wanna
press your forearm against the back
of his neck, then grab your elbow
with the other hand. Choke him
right out.

The two boys separate, unsettled.

MICKEY
Whatcha want, mister?

MOE
Ya, mister. Whatcha want?

MALVO
Sign outside says Hess and Sons.

Malvo studies them, Tweedle Dum and Dumber.

MALVO (CONT’D)
Which is the older boy?

MICKEY
Me. Mickey. So that means I’m in
charge when dad’s gone.

MOE
Are not. Mom said --

MICKEY
Mom’s got nothing ta do with it,
faggot.

Upstairs, Sam sees his boys talking to Malvo, comes out of
the office.

SAM HESS
Help you with something?

Malvo sizes him up, ignoring the hired muscle.

MALVO
You Hess?

Hess and the two big guys come down the stairs. It’s clear
they don’t like strangers coming around, asking questions.

SAM HESS
Who wants ta know?
22.


Malvo checks to see if there’s another guy behind him asking
questions.

MALVO
Me.

He nods to the big rig.

MALVO (CONT’D)
See you do work for Narcol. You
know Romo?

SAM HESS
You know Romo?

MALVO
(beat)
Never heard of him.

Hess looks at his guys to see if they’re hearing this.

SAM HESS
Is he serious?

Hess closes on him.

SAM HESS (CONT’D)
Only two reasons to come to my
shop, friend. Either you need a
truck. Or you drive a truck. You a
truck driver?

Malvo is unintimidated.

MALVO
I was just talking to your boys. I
think the younger one’s a little
dim.

SAM HESS
What did you say?

MALVO
His IQ seems low, I’m saying. Have
you had him tested?

The two heavies close around Malvo.

MICKEY
Hit him, dad.

MOE
Ya, dad. Hit him.
23.


Bruce Gold clears his throat. Hess looks at him. Gold
shakes his head.

SAM HESS
I’m gonna restrain myself -- on
accounta you got an obvious head
injury -- and not beat you with you
to death with a tire iron. But I’m
gonna` ask you again. What the heck
do ya want?

MALVO
Just wanted to get a look at you.

Malvo gives Sam a slow once over.

MALVO (CONT’D)
Okay. That’ll do it.

Malvo walks out. Off Hess: what the fuck was that about?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In the garage of Hess Trucking Company, Sam Hess and his lawyer Bruce Gold engage in a tense conversation with the enigmatic Lorne Malvo, who questions Sam about a truck driver named Romo and mocks his son Moe's intelligence. While Sam tries to protect his sons, Mickey and Moe, who are playing with inflatable women, the atmosphere shifts from comedic to confrontational. Malvo's unsettling presence and taunts escalate the tension, leaving Sam confused and unsettled as Malvo departs without revealing his true intentions.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the power dynamics and tension between the characters, setting up future conflicts and developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious stranger entering a criminal environment and challenging the established authority is intriguing and sets the stage for further conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Malvo confronts Sam Hess, leading to potential repercussions and escalating tensions within the criminal underworld.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, with fresh dialogue and interactions that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Sam Hess portrayed as a menacing figure and Lorne Malvo as a mysterious and confident outsider. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and hidden agendas.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Malvo and Sam Hess hint at potential shifts in power dynamics and alliances.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and business, as well as assert his authority and dominance in the face of a potential threat.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to understand the intentions of the mysterious stranger who has come to his trucking company.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Malvo and Sam Hess is palpable, with the tension escalating as the scene progresses, leading to a potential confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the stranger posing a potential threat to the protagonist and his family.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the power struggle between Malvo and Sam Hess, with potential consequences for both characters and the criminal world they inhabit.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and tensions, setting the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the stranger's mysterious motives and the potential threat he poses to the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's sense of power and control versus the stranger's unknown motives and potential threat.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, drawing the audience into the characters' conflicting motives and hidden agendas.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and filled with underlying threats and sarcasm, adding depth to the characters and driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and mystery surrounding the stranger's visit and the protagonist's reaction.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense, suspenseful encounter in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension through the introduction of Lorne Malvo, who is portrayed as a calm and calculating presence amidst the chaotic and juvenile antics of Sam Hess's sons. This contrast heightens the stakes and foreshadows Malvo's potential threat.
  • The dialogue between the characters is sharp and reveals their personalities well. Malvo's condescending remarks about the boys' intelligence serve to establish his dominance and create discomfort, which is effective in building tension.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more context regarding Malvo's motivations for visiting Hess. While he asks about Romo, the lack of clarity around his intentions may leave the audience confused about the stakes of the interaction.
  • The physicality of the boys wrestling and the explosion of the inflatable woman adds a comedic element that contrasts with the darker undertones of Malvo's presence. This juxtaposition is interesting but could be more seamlessly integrated to enhance the overall tone.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Malvo leaving, which can be effective in maintaining suspense. However, it might be beneficial to include a line or action that hints at Malvo's true intentions or the consequences of this encounter, leaving the audience with a stronger sense of foreboding.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Malvo's internal thoughts or motivations are hinted at, perhaps through a visual cue or a subtle line of dialogue, to clarify his purpose for visiting Hess.
  • Enhance the physicality of the scene by incorporating more descriptive action that showcases the boys' antics and Malvo's reactions, which could further emphasize the contrast between their childish behavior and Malvo's sinister demeanor.
  • To maintain the comedic tone while also building tension, consider having Malvo engage in a more playful yet menacing interaction with the boys before turning serious with Sam Hess, which could create a more dynamic shift in the scene.
  • Explore the dynamics between Sam Hess and his lawyer, Bruce Gold, to add depth to their characters. A brief exchange or a reaction from Gold during Malvo's visit could provide insight into the seriousness of the situation and Hess's character.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful line or action from Malvo that leaves the audience questioning his next move, enhancing the suspense and intrigue surrounding his character.



Scene 11 -  Tension at the Doorstep
EXT. LESTER’S BROTHER’S HOUSE. MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - DAY

An expensive two story home. Lester and Pearl stand on the
threshold with a meatloaf. Lester’s broken nose is taped,
his eyes black.

PEARL
How does a grown man fall over his
own feet?

LESTER NYGAARD
It was ice. I slipped on ice.
(feels his nose)
We should have cancelled.

PEARL
Don’t be a baby.

Unhappy, Lester rings the bell. SCOTTY, 9, opens the door.

LESTER NYGAARD
(animated)
We’re here.

The boy SLAMS the door in their face. Beat. Lester rings
the bell again. KITTY NYGAARD, 32, opens the door. She’s
pretty, well appointed.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(tries again)
We’re here.
24.


KITTY
Come on in. Ron’s working the ham.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Lester and Pearl arrive at Lester's brother's house with a meatloaf, but Lester's injuries and strained relationship with their son, Scotty, create an awkward atmosphere. Scotty slams the door in their faces, highlighting the conflict, while Pearl dismisses Lester's injuries. Kitty, Lester's wife, eventually opens the door and invites them in, contrasting the tension with her welcoming demeanor.
Strengths
  • Effective balance of drama and comedy
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances tension, humor, and emotional depth, providing insight into the characters' relationships and inner conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a family visit revealing underlying tensions and personal struggles is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Lester and Pearl visit his brother's house, setting the stage for further exploration of family dynamics and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its nuanced portrayal of family dynamics and the juxtaposition of humor with underlying tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex relationships and inner conflicts that drive the scene forward and engage the audience.

Character Changes: 6

Lester's broken nose and black eyes symbolize his internal struggles and the challenges he faces in his personal life, hinting at potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and composure despite his physical injuries and the awkward situation with his family. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and validation, as well as his fear of appearing weak or vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal in this scene is to successfully deliver the meatloaf and navigate the social interaction with his family members, particularly his brother's family. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining appearances and relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The scene contains interpersonal conflicts and tensions, particularly between Lester and his family members, adding drama and complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, as seen in Scotty's hostile reaction and Lester's struggle to maintain his composure.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the interpersonal conflicts and tensions add complexity and depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the characters, such as Scotty slamming the door in Lester's face, which adds a layer of tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between appearance and reality, as Lester tries to present a composed front despite his physical injuries and the underlying family dynamics. This challenges his beliefs about self-image and authenticity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and discomfort to tenderness and humor, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, humor, and emotional depth, reflecting the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable characters, naturalistic dialogue, and underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor with moments of tension, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension in Lester's life, particularly through the physical manifestation of his injuries, which symbolize his emotional and social struggles. However, the dialogue feels somewhat flat and could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying issues in Lester and Pearl's relationship.
  • Pearl's line about Lester being a 'baby' is a missed opportunity to deepen her character. It comes off as dismissive without revealing much about her motivations or feelings. Adding a line that hints at her own frustrations or insecurities could create a more complex dynamic between them.
  • The interaction with Scotty is impactful, as it highlights the strained family relationships. However, the moment could be enhanced by showing more of Scotty's emotions or motivations for slamming the door. Is he angry, scared, or simply acting out? A brief internal thought or a visual cue could add depth to his character.
  • Kitty's introduction is abrupt. While it's clear she is welcoming, a line or two that reflects her awareness of the tension or her relationship with Lester could make her character feel more fleshed out. This would also help to establish the family dynamics more clearly.
  • The transition from the door slamming to Kitty opening the door feels rushed. A beat or a moment of silence after the door slams could heighten the awkwardness and tension before moving on to Kitty's entrance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Lester and Pearl. This could involve them discussing their lives in a way that reveals their frustrations without explicitly stating them.
  • Enhance Pearl's character by giving her a line that reflects her own struggles or insecurities, which would create a more nuanced portrayal of their relationship.
  • Develop Scotty's character further by including a brief moment that shows his emotional state or reasoning behind slamming the door, making his actions more relatable.
  • Introduce Kitty with a line that hints at her awareness of the family tension or her relationship with Lester, which would help to establish her character more effectively.
  • Add a moment of silence or a reaction shot after Scotty slams the door to build tension before transitioning to Kitty's entrance, allowing the audience to feel the awkwardness of the situation.



Scene 12 -  Sibling Rivalry in the Kitchen
INT. KITCHEN. BROTHER’S HOUSE - DAY

RONALD NYGAARD (30s) stands at the kitchen counter. It’s
clear he got all the looks and charm in the family. Lester
holds a can of beer with a straw in it. Ron massages honey
into a ham with his bare hands.

Behind them, Kitty and Pearl set the table. Scotty watches
TV in the other room.

RON
-- took the whole team down to
Duluth Tuesday. Big spread at the
Marriot.

PEAL
Ooh. I’ve always wanted ta stay
there.

RON
Ya. It’s real sweet. King sized
bed. View of the lake. You name it.
Boss took me out for dinner.

KITTY
Just the two of them.

RON
Steak big as a catcher’s mitt.
Said, Ronny, you’re going places in
this world.

KITTY
Gave him a raise and a corner
office.

PEARL
Hear that, Lester? A corner
office. Where two walls meet.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Real good.

PEARL
And him your younger brother.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. I said I heard.
25.


KITTY
Vice President Sales, Midwest
Region.

Ron massages the ham.

RON
Bought the surround sound to
celebrate. Pretty sweet, huh?

Lester sips beer through a straw, watches his brother work
the meat.

LESTER NYGAARD
You may have ta marry that ham, you
get any more familiar with it.

RON
Saw it on Rachel Ray. She says
massaging breaks the muscle down.
Makes the meat juicier.

PEARL
Lester never wants to try new
things.

LESTER NYGAARD
Now hold on -- that’s not --

KITTY
Oh, we make Scotty try stuff all
the time. Ron says we hafta open
his horizons.

RON
Broaden his horizons. It’s a big
world, ya now. There’s more to
life than just Minnesota.

Lester sips gingerly from his can of beer.

RON (CONT’D)
Took a real tumble, huh?

LESTER NYGAARD
There’s a spot over by the fire
station. Always icy. Don’t know
what the heck I was thinkin’.

Ron washes his hands.
26.


RON
(to Lester)
Come out ta the garage. Help me
get some more beer.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the kitchen of Lester Nygaard's house, Ronald, the younger brother, prepares a ham while boasting about his recent successes in Duluth, eliciting sarcastic responses from Lester, who feels overshadowed. Kitty and Pearl support Ron, teasing Lester and highlighting the sibling rivalry. The light-hearted banter reveals deeper insecurities, culminating in Ron inviting Lester to help fetch more beer from the garage, suggesting a moment of camaraderie amidst the tension.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Establishing character dynamics
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the family dynamic and sets up tension between the characters, while also providing moments of humor and light-heartedness.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a family dinner gathering is a familiar setting, but the addition of awkwardness and tension between the characters adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Lester interacts with his brother and family, setting up potential conflicts and character dynamics for future development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on family dynamics and sibling rivalry, with authentic dialogue and character interactions that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Lester portrayed as uncomfortable and out of place compared to his charismatic brother. The family dynamics are effectively established through their interactions.

Character Changes: 4

While there are subtle hints of character development, particularly in Lester's discomfort and awkwardness, significant changes do not occur within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Ronald's internal goal in this scene is to assert his success and superiority over his brother Lester. He wants to show off his achievements and make Lester feel inferior.

External Goal: 7

Ronald's external goal is to celebrate his recent success by buying surround sound and preparing a ham for the family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is relatively low, focusing more on establishing character dynamics and setting up potential conflicts for future development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' interactions and dynamics.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on interpersonal dynamics and relationships within the family.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by establishing character dynamics and potential conflicts, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle shifts in power dynamics and the unexpected humor that arises from the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of trying new things and embracing change versus sticking to familiar routines and habits. This challenges the characters' beliefs and values, especially Lester's resistance to change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to discomfort, as the characters navigate their interactions and relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, capturing the awkwardness and humor of a family gathering. It also reveals subtle tensions and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, subtle humor, and underlying tension between the characters, keeping the audience interested in the family dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with a natural flow of dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy family drama, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a family drama, with clear character interactions and dialogue that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the contrast between Lester and his brother Ron, highlighting Ron's success and charm compared to Lester's insecurities and awkwardness. This dynamic is crucial for character development and sets the stage for future conflicts.
  • The dialogue flows naturally and captures the familial banter, but it could benefit from more subtext. While the characters discuss Ron's achievements, Lester's sarcasm and discomfort could be emphasized further to deepen the tension and showcase his jealousy.
  • The use of physical actions, such as Ron massaging the ham, adds a layer of visual storytelling. However, this action could be tied more explicitly to the themes of masculinity and domesticity, perhaps by contrasting it with Lester's passive behavior.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional arc. While it introduces the characters and their relationships, it doesn't escalate any conflict or tension. Adding a moment where Lester's frustration peaks or where Ron inadvertently belittles him could enhance the stakes.
  • The setting is well-defined, but it could be enriched with more sensory details. Describing the smells of the kitchen or the sounds of the TV could create a more immersive atmosphere and reflect the family's dynamics.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Lester's jealousy or frustration becomes more apparent, perhaps through a sarcastic remark that lands awkwardly or a physical reaction that contrasts with the jovial atmosphere.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting. Describe the aroma of the ham, the clinking of dishes, or the sounds from the TV to create a more vivid scene.
  • Explore the theme of masculinity further by contrasting Ron's confident handling of the ham with Lester's awkwardness. Perhaps Lester could fumble with a kitchen tool or make a comment that reveals his discomfort with domesticity.
  • Introduce a small conflict or tension point, such as a disagreement about parenting styles or a comment about Lester's job, to create a more dynamic interaction among the characters.
  • Consider using the beer can with a straw as a visual metaphor for Lester's character—perhaps he could struggle to drink from it, symbolizing his inability to assert himself in the family dynamic.



Scene 13 -  Fractured Bonds
INT. GARAGE. BROTHER’S HOUSE - DAY

A sweet setup with tools hanging on the wall. Ron opens a
mini-fridge, hands Lester a beer.

RON
We took Scotty to a specialist last
month. Think he might have the
autism. Won’t stop drawin’ on the
walls. Also, Kitty found a mason
jar in his closet. I guess he pees
in it at night. What’s that about?
Hey. Wanna see something cool?

He goes over to a locked footlocker, opens the padlock with a
key.

RON (CONT’D)
Take a look at this baby.

Lester comes over.

ANGLE ON THE FOOTLOCKER

Inside is a large automatic weapon, gleaming and deadly.

LESTER NYGAARD
Geez. What is it?

RON
That there is your M-249 SAW light
machine gun. Sometimes referred to
as ‘the piglet.’

LESTER NYGAARD
Are you allowed to -- can you even
have that?

RON
Is it legal? Technically no way.
But I got a buddy works supply over
Camp Ripley. And heck, I’m an
American. I pay my taxes. Take a
look. It’s gas operated, air
cooled. Shoots seven-hundred-twenty-
five rounds per minute.
27.


He takes the machine gun out of the box, hefts it, then hands
it to Lester, who, unprepared for the weight, DROPS IT on the
concrete floor.

LESTER NYGAARD
Aw geez.

Ron bends down. The machine gun is clearly damaged.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
You shoulda told me it was so
heavy. Is it okay?

RON
No, Lester. It’s not okay. You
bent the darn --
(sighs)
Why are you such a G.D. screw up?

LESTER NYGAARD
Hey, now --

RON
Ever since you were -- And now
Kitty said she talked to Pearl last
week. And she’s had it. Your wife.
Said yer acting just plain weird.
Mopin’ around. Said she caught you
standing in the bathroom with yer
toothbrush in yer hand just looking
in the mirror. Said foam was
comin’ outta yer mouth like a rabid
dog.

LESTER NYGAARD
That’s -- come on -- that’s not --
how I may -- or may not -- be
feeling. And fer yer information I
was -- I hadn’t had a lotta sleep
the night before. So the
toothpaste -- that was just --

RON
Did you really trip on the ice and
break yer nose?

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. Yes. I told ya. Outside the
fire station. Ya know they run the
hoses and wash the trucks and the
ground gets all wet. Real slippery.

Ron shakes his head.
28.


RON
Guys at work. They talk about how
they look up to their brothers.
Their older brothers.
(beat)
Sometimes I tell people you’re
dead.

LESTER NYGAARD
You --

RON
I mean, heck, Lester. You’re forty
years old. When are you gonna get
yer act together?

Beat. Lester stares at him, ire rising.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense garage confrontation, Ron expresses deep concern for his son Scotty's troubling behavior and reveals his disappointment in his brother Lester's life choices. The conversation takes a dark turn when Ron shows Lester an illegal M-249 SAW machine gun, which Lester awkwardly drops, symbolizing his lack of control. The scene highlights the strained relationship between the brothers, filled with frustration and unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of subtlety in revealing character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the interaction between the characters, revealing underlying emotions and setting up potential future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics and hidden secrets is well-executed, especially with the introduction of the firearm as a symbol of power and control.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the revelation of the firearm and the strained relationship between the brothers, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unexpected element with the reveal of the automatic weapon in the footlocker. The characters' interactions and revelations feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and change, especially for Lester as he confronts his brother's expectations and criticisms.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself to his brother and assert his own identity and capabilities. He wants to show that he is not a screw-up and can handle the responsibilities and challenges presented to him.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to impress his brother and gain his approval by handling the machine gun with confidence and competence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the brothers is palpable, with high stakes and emotional intensity driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotions driving the conflict between the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The discovery of the firearm and the strained relationship between the brothers raise the stakes and hint at potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new conflicts and deepening the relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden reveal of the automatic weapon and the escalating conflict between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of masculinity, responsibility, and self-worth. Ron represents traditional values of masculinity and success, while Lester struggles with feelings of inadequacy and failure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of tension, resentment, and disappointment, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the underlying tensions and emotions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional tension, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic interaction between characters, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the strained relationship between Lester and Ron, showcasing Ron's frustration with Lester's life choices. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying tension without being overly explicit. For instance, instead of Ron directly stating that he sometimes tells people Lester is dead, consider a more subtle approach that implies his disappointment without stating it outright.
  • The introduction of the M-249 SAW machine gun serves as a strong visual metaphor for the escalating violence and danger in Lester's life. However, the transition from discussing Scotty's behavior to revealing the gun feels abrupt. A smoother segue could enhance the flow of the scene and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Lester's reaction to the gun and his subsequent clumsiness with it effectively highlight his character's ineptitude and lack of control. However, the dialogue surrounding the gun could be tightened to maintain a brisk pace. Some lines feel repetitive, particularly when Lester tries to justify his actions. Streamlining this dialogue would enhance the scene's impact.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with the mention of Scotty's behavior and the gun, is well-placed but could be amplified. Consider adding more comedic elements or reactions from Lester that contrast with the seriousness of the gun's presence, which would create a more dynamic emotional range.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Lester's rising ire, but it could benefit from a more definitive emotional climax. Instead of simply cutting to the next scene, consider having Lester express his frustration more vocally or physically, which would leave a stronger impression on the audience.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in Ron's dialogue to convey his disappointment in Lester without explicitly stating it. This could create a more nuanced interaction.
  • Smooth the transition from discussing Scotty's behavior to the reveal of the gun by adding a line or two that connects the two topics, maintaining the audience's engagement.
  • Tighten the dialogue surrounding the gun to eliminate repetition and enhance the scene's pacing, making it feel more dynamic.
  • Add more comedic elements or reactions from Lester to contrast with the serious nature of the gun, creating a richer emotional landscape.
  • Consider having Lester express his frustration more vocally or physically at the end of the scene to create a stronger emotional climax before cutting to the next scene.



Scene 14 -  Tension in the Night
INT. CAR - NIGHT

Lester drives. Pearl sits next to him, fuming.

PEARL
Yer own brother. You didn’t haveta
hit him. I mean, seriously. What
is the matter with you?

Lester drives, jaw clenched. The world is pressing down.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE. ST. LOUIS, MS - NIGHT

A MAN sits alone in an office. This is MR. RUNDLE. Outside
his window is the skyline of a mid-western city. His
furniture is bland. No decorations on the wall. The man is
similarly forgettable. His phone rings.

MR. RUNDLE
(answering)
Claims and Adjustments.

INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Lester drives at night with an angry Pearl beside him, confronting him about his recent violent behavior towards his brother. The atmosphere is thick with tension as Lester remains silent, grappling with his internal conflict. The scene shifts to Mr. Rundle in a bland office, answering a phone call, contrasting the emotional turmoil of Lester and Pearl's interaction.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Revealing hidden conflicts and secrets
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts within the family, creating a sense of unease and anticipation for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family secrets, strained relationships, and hidden tensions is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for character development and plot progression.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the exploration of family dynamics and conflicts, setting the stage for future revelations and character growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar conflict but approaches it in a fresh and engaging way, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion, particularly in Lester's strained relationship with his brother and wife.

Character Changes: 7

Lester experiences a shift in his relationships and perceptions, particularly with his brother and wife, setting the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to control his emotions and deal with the consequences of his actions. This reflects his deeper need for self-control and his fear of losing his temper.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate a difficult situation with his partner and address the conflict that has arisen. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, particularly within the Nygaard family, creating a sense of unease and anticipation for future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult emotional conflict that adds complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high within the family dynamics, as hidden tensions and conflicts threaten to unravel relationships and reveal long-buried secrets.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key tensions, conflicts, and secrets within the Nygaard family, setting the stage for future developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unresolved conflict between the characters and the uncertain outcome of their interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for control and his partner's need for emotional expression. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about communication and conflict resolution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, discomfort, and anxiety, as the characters navigate their strained relationships and hidden secrets.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, discomfort, and underlying emotions, adding depth to the interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the sense of suspense created by the dialogue and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, contributing to its overall effectiveness in conveying the emotional conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and develops the conflict between the characters, following the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Lester and Pearl, showcasing the strain in their relationship. Pearl's anger is palpable, and her dialogue succinctly conveys her frustration with Lester's actions. However, the scene could benefit from more specific details about the incident that led to Pearl's anger, as it currently feels somewhat vague. Providing a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at the nature of the altercation with his brother could enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Lester's internal struggle is well-represented through his clenched jaw and silence, but the scene lacks a deeper exploration of his emotions. Adding internal monologue or visual cues that reflect his guilt, shame, or defiance could create a more nuanced portrayal of his character. This would help the audience connect with his turmoil and understand the complexity of his situation.
  • The transition to Mr. Rundle's office feels abrupt and somewhat disconnected from the emotional core of the scene. While it serves to introduce a new character, it disrupts the flow of the narrative. Consider integrating Mr. Rundle's introduction more smoothly, perhaps by hinting at his relevance to Lester's story before cutting to him. This could create a stronger narrative thread and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The visual description of Mr. Rundle's office is effective in establishing his character as bland and forgettable, but it could be enhanced by including more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the city outside, the lighting in the office, or even Mr. Rundle's demeanor could create a more immersive experience for the audience. This would help to contrast the emotional intensity of Lester and Pearl's scene with the mundane nature of Mr. Rundle's environment.
  • The use of intercutting between Lester's car and Mr. Rundle's office is an interesting choice, but it may confuse the audience if not executed carefully. Ensure that the intercutting serves a clear narrative purpose, such as highlighting a thematic connection between the two characters or foreshadowing future events. Otherwise, it may feel like a disjointed narrative choice.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief flashback or dialogue that hints at the incident between Lester and his brother to provide context for Pearl's anger and deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Incorporate internal monologue or visual cues that reflect Lester's complex emotions, such as guilt or defiance, to create a more nuanced portrayal of his character.
  • Smoothly integrate Mr. Rundle's introduction by hinting at his relevance to Lester's story before cutting to him, maintaining narrative flow and audience engagement.
  • Enhance the sensory details in Mr. Rundle's office to create a more immersive experience, contrasting the emotional intensity of Lester and Pearl's scene with the mundanity of Rundle's environment.
  • Ensure that the intercutting between Lester's car and Mr. Rundle's office serves a clear narrative purpose, highlighting thematic connections or foreshadowing future events to avoid confusion.



Scene 15 -  Detour of Deception
INT. CAR (TRAVELING). SAINT CLOUD, MN - SAME TIME

Lorne Malvo drives in a newly stolen car, on his phone. We
see an SUV in front of him.

MALVO
It’s me.
29.


MR. RUNDLE
Mr. Malvo. Your call was expected
yesterday.

MALVO
I got delayed.

MR. RUNDLE
Problems?

MALVO
Car trouble. Fixed now.

MR. RUNDLE
But you finished the assignment?

MALVO
Of course.

MR. RUNDLE
And when can they expect you in
Duluth? The new client is anxious
to begin.

MALVO
Soon. I took a detour.

MR. RUNDLE
And the nature of this detour.

The SUV ahead of Malvo pulls into THE LUCKY PENNY, a strip
club. Malvo follows.

MALVO
Personal. Shouldn’t be more than a
day or two.

MR. RUNDLE
I’ll let Duluth know.

Malvo hangs up. He watches Sam Hess get out of the SUV with
his two guys, walk to the front door.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Lorne Malvo, driving a stolen car, speaks on the phone with Mr. Rundle about a delayed assignment, downplaying his personal detour. As he arrives at a strip club, he spots Sam Hess exiting an SUV with two associates, hinting at a potential confrontation. The scene is tense and suspenseful, showcasing Malvo's dual objectives and the deception involved in his conversation.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Setting up potential conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and sets up potential conflicts with the introduction of new characters and mysterious conversations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a detour from a secretive assignment adds depth to the storyline and raises questions about Malvo's motives and actions.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of new characters and potential conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar trope of a criminal character balancing personal and professional obligations, but adds a fresh twist with the enigmatic dialogue and subtle character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters introduced in this scene, particularly Lorne Malvo and Sam Hess, add layers to the story and hint at future confrontations.

Character Changes: 5

There are no significant character changes in this scene, but the introduction of new characters and potential conflicts sets the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Lorne Malvo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his facade of normalcy while secretly pursuing his own personal agenda. This reflects his need for control and power, as well as his fear of being discovered for who he truly is.

External Goal: 7

Lorne Malvo's external goal in this scene is to handle the fallout from his delayed arrival in Duluth and reassure Mr. Rundle that he will be there soon. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing his personal and professional obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene sets up potential conflicts between characters, especially with the introduction of Sam Hess and the mysterious phone call, increasing tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, as Malvo's personal detour puts him at odds with his professional obligations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of his actions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the secretive nature of the conversation, the presence of Sam Hess, and the potential conflicts that may arise, adding tension and intrigue to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, characters, and conflicts, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected detour Malvo takes and the potential dangers it may lead to. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of Malvo's personal agenda and its impact on the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between appearances and reality, as Malvo presents a calm and collected demeanor to Mr. Rundle while secretly engaging in personal pursuits that may have dangerous consequences. This challenges Malvo's beliefs about control and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on building suspense and intrigue, there is a subtle emotional undercurrent due to the cryptic nature of the dialogue and the potential conflicts brewing.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Malvo and Mr. Rundle is cryptic and intriguing, setting the tone for the scene and hinting at hidden agendas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, enigmatic dialogue, and subtle character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery of Malvo's personal detour and its potential consequences.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the visual cues enhance the effectiveness of the scene in maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful crime drama, with a clear setup of the protagonist's goals and obstacles. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Lorne Malvo's character as someone who is both confident and enigmatic. His casual demeanor while discussing a delayed assignment on the phone contrasts sharply with the tension of his actions, which adds depth to his character.
  • The dialogue between Malvo and Mr. Rundle is functional but lacks a sense of urgency or tension that could elevate the stakes. While it conveys necessary information, it feels somewhat flat and could benefit from more subtext or conflict to engage the audience further.
  • The transition from the phone call to Malvo's observation of Sam Hess is visually effective, but the scene could use more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the environment, such as the sounds of the strip club or the ambiance of the night, would create a more immersive experience.
  • The scene's pacing is steady, but it could be tightened by eliminating some of the more redundant lines. For instance, the exchange about the detour could be more concise, allowing for a quicker buildup to the reveal of Malvo's intentions.
  • The introduction of the strip club as a setting is intriguing, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A brief moment of Malvo's internal thoughts or a visual cue that hints at his motivations for following Hess could provide a smoother transition and deepen the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension to the phone conversation by incorporating a sense of urgency or danger. Perhaps Mr. Rundle could express concern about Malvo's delay, hinting at potential consequences if he doesn't deliver.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more vivid atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights of the strip club as Malvo approaches, which would help ground the audience in the setting.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any lines that don't add significant value to the character development or plot progression. Focus on making each line impactful and loaded with subtext.
  • Introduce a moment of internal conflict for Malvo as he observes Hess. This could be a fleeting thought or a visual cue that hints at his true intentions, adding layers to his character and building suspense.
  • Consider using visual storytelling techniques, such as close-ups or specific camera angles, to emphasize Malvo's expressions or reactions during the phone call, which could convey his confidence or underlying menace without relying solely on dialogue.



Scene 16 -  A Fatal Encounter
INT. BACK ROOM. THE LUCKY PENNY - NIGHT

Sam Hess is giving it to a HOOKER, who couldn’t look more
bored, a cigarette dangling from her lips.

HOOKER
Oh, yeah, big fella. Oh, yeah.
30.


Hess works towards his big finish, huffing and puffing. Then
suddenly, he STOPS. BLOOD pours from his mouth. The hooker
screams as Hess falls on top of her, revealing: LORNE MALVO,
who has just stuck a KNIFE into the back of Hess’s head.
Hess blocks the hooker’s view.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Vern is sleeping next to his wife. The phone rings.

VERN
Ya?
(beat, listening)
Aw geez. Where?
(beat, listening)
Okay. Pick me up, huh?

He sits up, scratches. Ida is half awake.

IDA
Gotta go?

VERN
Homicide. Molly’s coming ta get me.
Go back to sleep, hon.

She throws her arm over him, sleepily.

IDA
Love ya.

VERN
Love ya too.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a back room of The Lucky Penny bar, Sam Hess engages in a lackluster sexual encounter with a disinterested hooker. Just as he reaches climax, he is brutally stabbed in the back of the head by the antagonist Lorne Malvo, causing blood to pour from his mouth. The hooker, initially bored, is thrown into shock as Hess collapses on her, blocking her view of the attack. The scene ends with the hooker in terror and transitions to Vern receiving a phone call about the homicide.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of genres and tones
  • Compelling plot and character development
  • Sharp dialogue and engaging interactions
  • Powerful emotional impact
  • High level of conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for all audiences
  • Certain scenes may require trigger warnings for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends different genres, tones, and sentiments to create a compelling and engaging narrative. It keeps the audience on edge with its dark and tense atmosphere while also providing moments of dark humor to lighten the mood.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a sudden murder in a seemingly mundane setting adds a layer of intrigue and suspense to the scene. The juxtaposition of intimate moments between characters and a violent act creates a compelling contrast that keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds seamlessly, moving from a mundane domestic setting to a shocking murder, adding depth and complexity to the narrative. The scene effectively advances the story by introducing new conflicts and escalating existing tensions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre, with morally ambiguous characters and unexpected plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions, contributing to the overall tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and dynamics, particularly in response to the shocking murder. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his dominance and power over others, as evidenced by his aggressive behavior towards the hooker. This reflects his deeper need for control and validation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to eliminate a threat to his operation, as shown by his violent actions towards Hess. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in maintaining his criminal enterprise.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged. The tension between characters, the sudden murder, and the high stakes create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a significant threat to his operation and a moral dilemma in his actions. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including a sudden murder, escalating tensions, and personal conflicts, create a sense of urgency and suspense. The characters are faced with life-changing decisions and consequences, raising the stakes and keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating existing tensions, and setting the stage for future developments. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking turn of events, such as the protagonist's violent actions and the unexpected appearance of Lorne Malvo. The audience is left unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's ruthless pursuit of power and control, and the consequences of his violent actions on others. This challenges his beliefs about the nature of power and the morality of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to dark humor and shock. The intimate moments between characters and the sudden act of violence create a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the dark and tense atmosphere of the scene while also incorporating moments of dark humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The tension and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise descriptions of the action. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller, with a buildup of tension and suspense leading to a dramatic climax. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a shocking and violent moment that serves as a turning point for both Sam Hess and Lorne Malvo. The abruptness of the action creates a strong impact, but it may benefit from a bit more buildup to enhance the tension leading up to the murder. The hooker's disinterest adds a layer of dark humor, but her character could be fleshed out slightly to make her reaction more poignant.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in this context, but it might be interesting to include a brief exchange between Hess and the hooker that hints at his character or their relationship. This could deepen the audience's understanding of Hess before his sudden demise.
  • The transition from the violent act to Vern's domestic scene is jarring. While it serves to juxtapose the violence with normalcy, the cut could be smoother. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that connects the two scenes, such as the sound of the phone ringing echoing in the background as Hess falls.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc for the characters involved. While the shock of the murder is immediate, exploring Hess's thoughts or feelings in his final moments could add depth. Similarly, Malvo's motivations for the murder could be hinted at, providing insight into his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which is effective for the shock value, but it may leave the audience wanting more context. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that captures the aftermath of the murder could enhance the emotional weight of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief exchange between Hess and the hooker to provide context for their relationship and heighten the impact of the murder.
  • Introduce a visual or auditory element that connects the violent act to Vern's domestic scene, creating a smoother transition between the two.
  • Explore Hess's thoughts or feelings in his final moments to add emotional depth to the scene, making his death more impactful.
  • Provide a hint of Malvo's motivations for the murder, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a visual cue that suggests his intentions.
  • Add a moment of reflection or a visual representation of the aftermath of the murder to enhance the emotional weight and allow the audience to process the shock.



Scene 17 -  Midnight Conversations at the Thurman House
EXT. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Molly pulls up in her prowler. Vern comes out, climbs in.
Molly hands him a coffee.

VERN
Thanks.

Molly drives.

MOLLY
Ida sleeping?

VERN
Ya.
31.


MOLLY
Bill’s over the Lucky Penny. Says
it’s a real mess.

VERN
Bar fight?

MOLLY
Nope. Ya know those back rooms
they got for hanky panky? Well,
sounds like a customer was givin’
it to one of the girls. Got
himself stabbed in the head.

VERN
The girl stabbed him?

MOLLY
Bill says no. Says it was an
assassination type deal.

VERN
(thinks about that)
Huh.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Molly arrives at the Thurman house in her prowler to pick up Vern, who appreciates the coffee she offers. They discuss a recent violent incident at the Lucky Penny bar, where a customer was stabbed, sparking Vern's curiosity and concern. The scene unfolds at night, creating a tense atmosphere as they reflect on the implications of the event, leaving them both intrigued and unsettled.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Shocking twist
  • Realistic character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character exploration
  • Slightly flat dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the assassination plot, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an unexpected assassination in a quiet neighborhood adds a layer of suspense and intrigue to the overall storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of the assassination, adding a new layer of conflict and mystery to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by blending elements of mystery with small-town drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the shocking event, showcasing their individual personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

The characters are impacted by the assassination, but their changes are not fully explored in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal in this scene is to gather information and possibly solve a mystery. This reflects her curiosity and desire to uncover the truth in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to investigate the recent incident at the Lucky Penny bar. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in her role as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the assassination, setting the stage for further tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Molly is faced with conflicting accounts of the incident that challenge her investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death are evident in the assassination scene, raising the tension and suspense to a new level.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development that will have lasting consequences.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the revelation of new information about the incident at the bar.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of truth and justice. Molly is faced with conflicting accounts of the incident at the bar, challenging her beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The shocking nature of the assassination scene elicits strong emotions from both the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is concise and serves to move the plot forward, but could benefit from more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and intriguing plot developments. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay writing.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven mystery genre, with a clear focus on character interactions and plot development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension through the dialogue between Molly and Vern. The mention of a stabbing in a back room adds an element of intrigue and raises the stakes, which is essential for maintaining audience engagement.
  • The dialogue feels natural and reflects the characters' personalities well. Vern's casual demeanor contrasts with the gravity of the situation, which adds depth to his character and highlights the absurdity of their world.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more visual description to enhance the atmosphere. For instance, describing the weather, the surroundings, or the expressions on Molly and Vern's faces could help set the mood and immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt. While the dialogue is engaging, a smoother transition could help maintain narrative flow. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two scenes more cohesively.
  • The exposition regarding the stabbing feels a bit rushed. While brevity can be effective, providing a bit more context or emotional reaction from Vern could enhance the impact of the news and deepen the audience's understanding of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the cold night air, the sound of the prowler's engine, or the smell of coffee to engage the audience's senses.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a shared glance between Molly and Vern after the news about the stabbing, allowing the weight of the situation to settle in before they continue their conversation.
  • Expand on Vern's reaction to the news of the stabbing. A brief pause or a change in his tone could convey his concern or disbelief, adding emotional depth to the scene.
  • To improve the transition, you could include a line that references the previous scene's emotional weight, such as Vern expressing concern for the safety of the bar patrons or reflecting on the violence in their town.
  • Explore the dynamics of Molly and Vern's relationship further. A small exchange that reveals their camaraderie or shared experiences could enhance their connection and make the audience more invested in their characters.



Scene 18 -  A Deadly Discovery
INT. BACK ROOM. THE LUCKY PENNY - NIGHT

Sam Hess lays face down on the bed, the knife still sticking
out of the back of his head. Vern and Molly stand by the bed
looking down at him.

MOLLY
Whatcha want me to write for cause
of death?

VERN
Put self-explanatory.

Vern crouches, examines Hess’s profile.

VERN (CONT’D)
Well, heck. That’s Sam Hess.

MOLLY
Hess that owns the trucking
company?

VERN
Ya. With the two boys, both dumb
as a dog’s foot.

Molly looks around. A thought hits her.
32.


MOLLY
Hold on. Isn’t Hess tied to that
syndicate of fellas outta Fargo?
Gun runners and such.

VERN
So they say.

MOLLY
Geez. Ya think this was, like, an
organized crime thing? A hit or
the like?

VERN
(straightens)
Don’t know what I think yet.
Except that I was warm in bed a
half hour ago.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the back room of The Lucky Penny, Sam Hess is found dead with a knife in his head. Vern and Molly discuss the implications of his death, speculating about his ties to organized crime while displaying a darkly humorous attitude despite the grim situation. Vern's annoyance at being pulled from bed adds to the casual tone, leaving the mystery of Hess's death unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Establishing key conflicts and mysteries
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some characters may need further development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a compelling mystery and introduces key conflicts and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-profile crime in a small town, potentially tied to organized crime, is intriguing and sets the stage for a complex investigation and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of Sam Hess's body, leading to a series of questions and potential conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a murder mystery within the world of organized crime, blending elements of suspense and intrigue. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals character dynamics effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations that hint at deeper layers yet to be explored.

Character Changes: 6

The characters begin to shift their perspectives and actions in response to the unfolding events, hinting at deeper changes to come.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the circumstances surrounding Sam Hess's death and potentially uncover any connections to organized crime. This reflects their curiosity, investigative nature, and desire for justice.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to determine the cause of Sam Hess's death and potentially solve a murder mystery. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The discovery of Sam Hess's body creates a high level of conflict, both in terms of the investigation and the potential power struggles that may arise from his demise.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the mystery surrounding Sam Hess's death and potential organized crime connections creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high with the discovery of a prominent character's body, hinting at larger consequences and conflicts to come.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development and setting up key conflicts and mysteries to be resolved.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue, hinting at larger mysteries and character motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral compass and sense of justice. They are faced with the possibility of organized crime involvement in a murder, which challenges their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on intrigue and mystery, there is a subtle emotional impact in the reactions of the characters to the shocking discovery.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing tensions and suspicions among the characters while also providing crucial information about the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing plot developments that keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a mystery genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format for a mystery genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue exchanges, and hints at larger plot developments.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of shock and intrigue with the discovery of Sam Hess's body, but it could benefit from deeper character exploration. Vern and Molly's dialogue is functional but lacks emotional weight; adding more personal stakes or reactions could enhance the tension and engagement.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat expository, particularly in the way it conveys information about Hess's connections to organized crime. While it's important to provide context, consider weaving this information into the conversation more naturally, perhaps through Vern's personal experiences or anecdotes that reveal his character.
  • Vern's line about being warm in bed adds a touch of humor, but it feels slightly out of place given the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the scene is crucial; consider whether this line serves the overall tone or detracts from the moment.
  • The visual description of Hess's body is stark and impactful, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience. Describing the atmosphere, smells, or sounds in the back room could enhance the tension and create a more vivid setting.
  • Molly's character is presented as inquisitive, but her reactions could be more pronounced. Consider showing her internal conflict or shock at the discovery, which would help to develop her character further and create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Add a moment of silence or a visceral reaction from Molly and Vern upon discovering the body to heighten the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue, allowing Vern and Molly to reveal their thoughts and feelings about the situation without explicitly stating them. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Consider introducing a physical action or gesture from Vern or Molly that reflects their emotional state, such as fidgeting, looking away, or exchanging worried glances, to add depth to their characters.
  • Enhance the setting by including sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of the back room, such as the dim lighting, the smell of alcohol, or the sounds of the bar outside, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Explore the implications of Hess's connections to organized crime further, perhaps by having Vern express personal stakes or fears related to the situation, which would add complexity to his character and the narrative.



Scene 19 -  The Peculiar Pet Policy
INT. FARMDALE MOTEL. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

The owner, a heavyset WOMAN, is yelling at a sullen TEEN.
Malvo enters.

WOMAN
How many times I gotta tell ya?
You can’t just take dirty sheets
offa one bed and put ‘em on
another. It’s unsanitory.

TEEN
I shake ‘em out first.

WOMAN
You don’t have the sense God gave a
clam, do you? Go shovel the walk.

The sullen teen exits.

MALVO
I need a room.

WOMAN
Just you?

MALVO
Pardon?

WOMAN
Is it just for you? The room.
33.


MALVO
What difference does that make?

WOMAN
Different rate for two. And if ya
got pets -- dog, cat -- that’s an
extra ten bucks.

MALVO
What about a fish?

WOMAN
Excuse me?

MALVO
Would a fish cost me ten dollars?

WOMAN
Well --

MALVO
Or say I kept spiders. Or mice.
What if I had bacteria?

WOMAN
Sir, bacteria are not pets.

MALVO
Could be.

WOMAN
Sir, perhaps you’d be happier in a
different motel.

MALVO
I just want to know the policy.
I’m a student of institutions.

WOMAN
(exasperated)
Sir, do ya have a pet or not?

MALVO
Nope. Just me.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a humorous and tense encounter at the Farmdale Motel, Malvo, a mysterious man, engages the frustrated owner in a bizarre conversation about pets after she reprimands a sullen teen for mishandling dirty sheets. Their exchange, filled with absurdity and dark humor, culminates in Malvo confirming he has no pets, allowing the annoyed woman to proceed with his room request.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone with a blend of dark humor and tension, providing insight into Malvo's character through his interaction with the motel owner.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a seemingly mundane motel check-in scene is elevated by the unique dialogue and the introduction of Lorne Malvo's character.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't directly advance the main plot, it adds depth to Malvo's character and sets the stage for future interactions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a common setting (motel) by focusing on the philosophical conflict between the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Lorne Malvo and the motel owner, are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 3

There is minimal character change in this scene, but it sets the stage for potential shifts in Malvo's behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Malvo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and assert his intelligence and wit in the face of the motel owner's condescension and lack of understanding.

External Goal: 7

Malvo's external goal is to secure a room at the motel for himself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is primarily verbal and revolves around the pet policy, adding a layer of tension to the interaction.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the motel owner challenging Malvo's questions and authority.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and setting the tone.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't directly propel the main plot forward, it adds depth to Malvo's character and hints at future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected nature of Malvo's responses and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the owner's practical, no-nonsense approach to running the motel and Malvo's intellectual, philosophical questioning of the rules and policies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

The emotional impact is minimal in this scene, focusing more on establishing character dynamics and tone.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals nuances of the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and highlighting the contrast between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Lorne Malvo's character as someone who enjoys manipulating conversations and testing boundaries. His peculiar inquiries about the motel's pet policy add a layer of dark humor, which is consistent with the tone of the overall script.
  • The dialogue between Malvo and the motel owner is engaging, showcasing Malvo's unsettling charm and the owner's growing frustration. However, the humor could be enhanced by tightening the exchanges to create a more rapid-fire back-and-forth, which would heighten the tension and absurdity of the situation.
  • The scene lacks a strong sense of urgency or stakes. While the humor is present, it might benefit from a hint of Malvo's underlying menace or a suggestion of his true intentions. This would create a more dynamic contrast between the light-hearted banter and the darker themes of the story.
  • The setting of the motel is a fitting backdrop for Malvo's character, but it could be described in more detail to enhance the atmosphere. Adding sensory details about the motel's appearance, sounds, or smells could help immerse the audience in the scene and reflect Malvo's unsettling presence.
  • The scene ends somewhat abruptly after Malvo's final line. A stronger closing moment could leave a lasting impression, perhaps by hinting at Malvo's next move or revealing a subtle reaction from the motel owner that suggests she senses something off about him.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to create a quicker pace, allowing for more overlapping lines that reflect the tension and absurdity of the conversation.
  • Introduce a subtle hint of Malvo's darker nature earlier in the scene, perhaps through his tone or body language, to foreshadow the menace that underlies his seemingly innocuous questions.
  • Enhance the description of the motel setting to create a more vivid atmosphere, using sensory details that reflect the mood and Malvo's character.
  • Add a moment at the end of the scene that leaves the audience with a sense of unease, such as a lingering look from the motel owner or a cryptic comment from Malvo that hints at his true intentions.
  • Consider incorporating a brief internal monologue or thought from Malvo that reveals his perspective on the interaction, adding depth to his character and providing insight into his motivations.



Scene 20 -  A Dark Counsel
EXT. FARMDALE MOTEL. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Malvo approaches his room. The teen is shoveling snow
nearby.
34.


MALVO
Why do you let her talk to you like
that?

TEEN
Aw, she’s not that bad.

MALVO
Son, she compared you to a clam.

The teen thinks about it. The woman is kind of a bitch.

TEEN
Well, what should I do?

MALVO
Guy insulted me once. I pissed in
his gas tank. Car never drove
straight again.

The teen smiles, puts down the shovel. He walks over to the
woman’s car. Malvo lets himself into his room.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a snowy night at the Farmdale Motel, Malvo encounters a troubled teen shoveling snow. They discuss the teen's issues with a woman who has insulted him. Malvo, with a darkly comedic tone, shares a story about revenge, prompting the teen to reconsider his situation. Inspired by Malvo's advice, the teen puts down his shovel and confidently approaches the woman's car, while Malvo retreats to his motel room.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interaction
  • Lack of visual cues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor and tension, setting up Malvo as a complex and intriguing character while advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a seemingly mundane conversation about insults to showcase Malvo's dark nature and the underlying threat he poses is executed well.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Malvo's character is further developed, and the tension surrounding his actions increases with the discovery of Sam Hess's body.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on a mentorship dynamic, with unexpected actions and dialogue that feel authentic to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Malvo's character is the standout in this scene, with his dark humor and menacing presence driving the narrative forward. The teen's interaction with Malvo also adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, Malvo's character is further revealed, deepening the audience's understanding of his motivations and methods.

Internal Goal: 8

Malvo's internal goal is to impart wisdom or teach a lesson to the teen. This reflects his desire to assert his dominance and influence others.

External Goal: 7

Malvo's external goal is to teach the teen a lesson by sharing a personal anecdote. This reflects his immediate challenge of dealing with the teen's situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is subtle but palpable, with the underlying tension between Malvo and the teen adding depth to their conversation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the revelation of Sam Hess's death and the implication of Malvo's involvement, adding a sense of danger and intrigue to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the tension surrounding Malvo's actions and the discovery of Sam Hess's body, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and dialogue choices made by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Malvo's approach of using intimidation and the teen's dilemma of how to handle the woman's behavior. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power dynamics and influence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, from dark amusement at Malvo's antics to a sense of unease at his unpredictable nature.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and layered, revealing the dynamics between Malvo and the teen while hinting at the darker undertones of the story.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its sharp dialogue, character dynamics, and the tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through concise dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively showcases Malvo's manipulative nature and his ability to influence others, particularly the teen. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included more subtext, revealing Malvo's true intentions rather than just providing a straightforward piece of advice.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. While the previous scene ends with Malvo confirming he has no pets, the connection to the teen's situation could be strengthened by establishing a clearer thematic link between Malvo's actions and the teen's predicament.
  • The dialogue between Malvo and the teen lacks a sense of urgency or tension. Given Malvo's character, there should be an underlying threat or menace in his words that makes the teen's decision to follow his advice feel more consequential.
  • The visual elements of the scene are minimal. While the setting is established, there could be more descriptive imagery to enhance the atmosphere, such as the coldness of the night or the teen's physical demeanor as he interacts with Malvo.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly without a strong emotional or narrative payoff. While the teen's smile suggests a moment of camaraderie, it would be more effective if there were a clearer indication of the consequences of Malvo's influence on him.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Malvo's dialogue, incorporating subtext that hints at his darker motivations. This could create a more complex interaction that leaves the audience questioning Malvo's true nature.
  • Enhance the transition between scenes by including a brief moment that connects Malvo's previous conversation about pets to the teen's situation, perhaps by having Malvo reflect on the nature of control or manipulation.
  • Infuse the dialogue with a sense of tension or threat. Malvo's advice should feel more like a sinister suggestion rather than a casual anecdote, making the teen's decision to act on it more impactful.
  • Incorporate more vivid descriptions of the setting and the characters' physical actions to create a stronger visual atmosphere. This could help convey the coldness of the night and the teen's hesitance or eagerness.
  • Consider extending the scene to include a brief moment of reflection from the teen after he walks towards the woman's car, allowing the audience to see the weight of Malvo's influence and the potential consequences of his actions.



Scene 21 -  A Comedic Confrontation
INT. MOTEL ROOM. SAINT CLOUD, MN - CONTINUOUS

Malvo goes to the phone, dials the front desk. He looks out
through the curtain. We can see the Teen with his pants
undone, pissing into the gas tank.

WOMAN
Farmdale motel.

MALVO
Yeah, I’m looking out my window and
there’s a young fella urinating
into the gas tank of a red Miata.

WOMAN
Son of a --

Malvo hangs up, watches as the woman comes out of the office
with a shotgun. She YELLS at the teen, who panics and
stumbles away, his pants falling down.

Malvo closes the curtain.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a motel room in Saint Cloud, Minnesota, Malvo witnesses a teenager urinating into a gas tank and reports it to the front desk. The shocked woman rushes out with a shotgun, causing the panicked teen to flee with his pants down. Malvo, amused yet detached, closes the curtain, shutting out the chaos.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of dark humor and suspense
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some elements may be too dark for all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends dark humor, suspense, and a touch of absurdity to create a memorable and engaging moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious and manipulative character like Lorne Malvo orchestrating a strange and unsettling situation in a motel setting is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Malvo's actions create a conflict-filled situation that adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a chaotic and unpredictable situation, as well as in its exploration of themes of power and control. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to the setting, adding depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Lorne Malvo and the motel owner, are well-developed and add layers of complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The characters, particularly the teen and the motel owner, experience a shift in their circumstances and perceptions due to Malvo's actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Malvo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and control over the situation, despite the chaos unfolding outside his window. This reflects his deeper need for power and dominance, as well as his desire to remain in control of his surroundings.

External Goal: 7

Malvo's external goal in this scene is to report the Teen's behavior to the front desk and watch the ensuing chaos unfold. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a disruptive and potentially dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Malvo, the teen, and the motel owner creates a palpable sense of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters are faced with a difficult and potentially dangerous situation. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding to the suspense and unpredictability of the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present in the potential danger and manipulation orchestrated by Malvo, adding a sense of urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character dynamics, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' impulsive actions and the unexpected twists in the plot. The audience is kept guessing about what will happen next, adding to the suspense and excitement of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between law and chaos, as represented by the Teen's reckless behavior and the motel owner's response. This challenges Malvo's beliefs about order and control, as he is forced to confront the unpredictable nature of human behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on tension and humor, there is a subtle emotional impact in the manipulation and power dynamics at play.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, humor, and manipulation present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and unpredictable twists. The tension and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see how the situation will unfold.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the action unfolds. The rapid-fire dialogue and quick cuts between characters create a sense of urgency and excitement, keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense as the action unfolds.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses dark humor to highlight Malvo's character and his enjoyment of chaos. His nonchalant attitude while reporting the teen's actions adds to the absurdity of the situation, which is a hallmark of the screenplay's tone.
  • The dialogue is concise and serves its purpose well, with Malvo's casual demeanor contrasting sharply with the woman's shocked reaction. This juxtaposition enhances the comedic effect and showcases Malvo's manipulative nature.
  • The visual imagery of the teen urinating into the gas tank, combined with the woman's frantic response, creates a vivid and memorable moment. However, the scene could benefit from a bit more description of the motel room's interior to ground the audience in the setting before the action unfolds.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which works well for the comedic timing. However, it might be beneficial to slow down slightly to allow the audience to fully absorb the absurdity of the situation before the woman rushes out with the shotgun.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Malvo closing the curtain, which is effective in maintaining the tension and mystery surrounding his character. However, a brief moment of reflection or a line from Malvo could enhance the impact of the scene, providing insight into his thoughts on the chaos he just witnessed.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief description of the motel room's decor or atmosphere to provide context and enhance the visual storytelling.
  • Introduce a moment of pause or reflection for Malvo after he reports the incident, allowing the audience to appreciate the absurdity of the situation before the woman reacts.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a humorous or sardonic line from Malvo after he closes the curtain, which could further emphasize his character's enjoyment of the chaos he instigates.
  • Ensure that the woman's reaction is not only shocked but also slightly humorous, perhaps by having her mutter something under her breath as she rushes out, adding to the comedic tone.
  • Consider using sound effects or background noise to enhance the atmosphere of the motel setting, making it feel more alive and immersive for the audience.



Scene 22 -  Coffee Shop Investigations
INT. COFFEE SHOP. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

A family place. Molly Solverson sits at a table, going over a
case file. LOU SOLVERSON (60) limps over with a pot of
coffee.
35.


LOU
Warm ya up, hon?

MOLLY
Thanks, dad.

LOU
Whatcha lookin’ at?

MOLLY
Murder file.

LOU
Oh ya?

MOLLY
Ya. Sam Hess got himself killed
last night over The Lucky Penny.

LOU
Ya don’t say.

MOLLY
Ya. Knife in the head. But ya
didn’t hear that from me.

Vern Thurman comes in, sees Molly, comes over.

VERN
Hey there, Molly. Lou.

LOU
Coffee? Eggs over medium.

VERN
Won’t say no. How’s the leg?

LOU
Goes from my ass to the ground,
same as the other. Thinking of
doin’ some ice fishin’ this
weekend.

VERN
Sorry to hear it.

LOU
Interested?

VERN
No. Only thing I ever caught
fishin’ in winter was a cold.

Lou goes back behind the counter.
36.


MOLLY
Say, Chief. I been thinkin’. That
fella in the snow. With the
underpants. Somethin’ odd about
that.

VERN
Yer sayin’ other than the fact he
was just wearin’ panties.

MOLLY
Ya. See, we know from the wreck
that whoever was driving the
vehicle cracked their head on the
windshield. But the fella in the
snow --

VERN
No head injury.

MOLLY
Right. So, ya see --

VERN
That’s some good police work there,
deputy.

MOLLY
(smiles)
Thanks.

VERN
But if he’s not the driver -- I
guess we gotta ask -- who is he?

MOLLY
I ran his prints. Nothin’. Plus,
turns out the car was stolen.

VERN
Oh ya?

MOLLY
Ya. Over in Grand Forks. I called
the local PD. Waiting for a call
back.

VERN
(nods to Hess file)
Any thoughts there?
37.


MOLLY
Not as such. The lady Hess was
with didn’t get a good look at the
fella killed him on account of all
the blood in her eyes. But we’re
checkin’ the knife fer prints.
Also Bill’s goin’ around to the
stores, see if the knife was maybe
bought here in Saint Cloud.

Vern studies her.

VERN
You’ll make a good chief one day.

MOLLY
(surprised)
Me? What about Bill? He’s got
seniority.

VERN
Bill cleans his gun with bubble
bath. No. It’ll be you. If you
want.

Molly nods. She does.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a family-oriented coffee shop in Saint Cloud, Minnesota, Molly Solverson reviews a murder case involving Sam Hess with her father, Lou, and local officer Vern Thurman. As they discuss the peculiarities of the case, including a body found in the snow and a stolen car, Molly showcases her investigative skills. Vern praises her potential to become chief one day, while Lou provides supportive banter. The scene balances lighthearted moments with the seriousness of the murder investigation, ending with Molly acknowledging her ambition.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Setting the tone for the investigation
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Limited character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the investigation, establishes the characters' personalities, and hints at the complexity of the murder case. The dialogue is engaging and informative, keeping the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of detectives discussing a murder case in a casual setting like a coffee shop is unique and adds depth to the characters. It also sets the stage for further developments in the investigation.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as new information about the murder case is revealed, setting the stage for future developments. The scene adds layers to the overall narrative and builds suspense.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on character-driven storytelling and subtle humor. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Molly Solverson and Vern Thurman are well-developed through their dialogue and interactions. Molly's investigative nature and Vern's experienced demeanor shine through, adding depth to their partnership.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the characters' personalities and their approach to the investigation. However, subtle hints of character growth can be seen.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal in this scene is to prove herself as a competent and insightful deputy, showcasing her investigative skills and attention to detail. This reflects her desire for recognition and respect in a male-dominated profession.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to solve the murder case of Sam Hess and uncover the identity of the mysterious man found dead in the snow. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in her role as a deputy sheriff.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no direct conflict in the scene, the underlying tension of solving a murder case adds a layer of suspense. The conflict is more subtle, focusing on the mystery at hand.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with subtle conflicts and obstacles that challenge the characters' beliefs and actions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the investigation of a murder case, adding a sense of urgency and importance to the characters' actions. The outcome of the case could have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new information about the murder case and setting the stage for future developments. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to learn more.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the subtle clues that hint at larger mysteries. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of gender roles and expectations in law enforcement. Molly's ambition and competence challenge traditional notions of leadership and authority within the police department.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is minimal in this scene, as the focus is more on information sharing and setting the stage for the investigation. However, the seriousness of the murder case adds a layer of intrigue.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, providing insight into the characters' personalities and the progress of the investigation. It effectively conveys information while maintaining a casual tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its authentic character interactions, subtle tension, and intriguing mystery. The dialogue is sharp and witty, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding investigation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue-driven moments and quiet character beats. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a casual yet tense atmosphere, contrasting the mundane setting of a coffee shop with the serious nature of the murder investigation. This juxtaposition adds depth to the characters and their interactions.
  • Molly's dialogue reveals her investigative skills and determination, showcasing her as a competent officer. However, her character could benefit from more emotional depth or personal stakes related to the case, which would enhance audience engagement.
  • Lou's character serves as a grounding presence, but his dialogue feels somewhat clichéd and could be more distinctive. Adding unique quirks or backstory elements could make him more memorable and impactful.
  • Vern's casual banter with Lou and Molly adds humor, but it risks undermining the gravity of the murder investigation. Balancing the comedic elements with the seriousness of the case is crucial to maintain tension.
  • The scene ends on a positive note with Vern's compliment to Molly, which is uplifting but may feel out of place given the context of the murder. A more ambiguous or tension-filled conclusion could leave the audience with a stronger sense of unease.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Molly reflects on the implications of the murder, perhaps revealing how it affects her personally or professionally. This could deepen her character and make her more relatable.
  • Enhance Lou's character by incorporating a unique trait or backstory that ties him to the investigation or adds complexity to his relationship with Molly.
  • Introduce a subtle tension between Vern and Molly regarding their differing views on the investigation, which could create conflict and add layers to their professional relationship.
  • Revisit the balance of humor and seriousness in the dialogue. While humor can lighten the mood, ensure it doesn't detract from the gravity of the murder case.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more ambiguous or foreboding line that hints at the complexities of the investigation, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of intrigue.



Scene 23 -  Emotional Turmoil in the Living Room
INT. HESS HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Mickey and Moe, wearing black suits too short in the arms and
legs, sit on the sofa, looking bored. Their mother, GINA
HESS (30s) sits in a chair, wearing red. She’s not from
around here. Bruce Gold, Hess’s consigliere, is there,
drinking coffee. As are the TWO HEAVIES we saw at the
garage.

BRUCE GOLD
When you talk to the police just
keep it simple. Thanks but no
thanks in other words. I’ve
already talked to Fargo and they
want to deal with this themselves.
They’re sending guys.

GINA HESS
Deal with what? He was in a
whorehouse. I’m glad he’s dead.

MICKEY
Ma, don’t talk like that.
38.


MOE
Ya, mom. Don’t talk like that.

Through the living room WINDOW we see Vern’s prowler pull up.
Vern and Molly get out.

GINA HESS
Makes me live in the god damn north
pole and then he has the nerve to --
I’m not kidding. I’m gonna sing at
his funeral.

She breaks into tears, inconsolable. The men of Minnesota
watch her cry, mystified by her emotional range.

A MAID comes in.

MAID
Mr. Mickey. You have a phone call.

Mickey and Moe stand together.

MICKEY
She said me, doofus.

MOE
Can’t I come?

MICKEY
No. Geez. Stay here with ma.

Mickey follows the maid into the ...

KITCHEN

He picks up the phone.

MICKEY
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In the Hess family's living room, Mickey and Moe sit bored as their mother, Gina, grapples with her husband's death, expressing her anger and sadness. Bruce Gold updates them on the police situation while Gina's emotional breakdown confuses the men. A maid interrupts to inform Mickey of a phone call, prompting him to leave the room, shifting the focus away from the family's turmoil.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Blend of genres
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements
  • Lack of subtlety in certain interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones while maintaining a sense of intrigue and tension. The interactions between the characters are engaging and reveal layers of complexity within the family dynamic.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family relationships in the context of crime and drama is compelling and well-executed. The scene introduces multiple storylines and conflicts that set the stage for further developments.

Plot: 7

The plot thickens as various characters navigate personal and external challenges, setting the stage for potential conflicts and revelations. The scene sets up intriguing storylines that keep the audience invested in the unfolding narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, blending elements of crime drama with family dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and exhibit distinct personalities that drive the interactions and conflicts in the scene. Each character contributes to the overall dynamic, adding depth and complexity to the unfolding drama.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo subtle changes in their attitudes and behaviors throughout the scene, hinting at potential character arcs and developments in future episodes. The evolving dynamics add depth to the character interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complex emotions surrounding a family member's death and the conflicting feelings towards the deceased. This reflects their deeper need for closure and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to handle the aftermath of the family member's death, including dealing with law enforcement and funeral arrangements. This reflects the immediate challenges they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative forward and create tension among the characters. The escalating conflicts add layers of complexity to the unfolding drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and societal expectations creating obstacles for the protagonist to navigate.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters navigate personal and external challenges that have far-reaching consequences. The scene hints at potential dangers and conflicts that could impact the characters' lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and plot points that set the stage for future developments. The unfolding events propel the narrative and keep the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional outbursts and conflicting reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's conflicting emotions towards the deceased family member, highlighting the tension between societal expectations and personal feelings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including humor, intrigue, and empathy. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' interactions and the unfolding drama within the family setting.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' motivations and relationships. The exchanges between the characters are both humorous and tense, adding layers to the scene's overall tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of emotional depth, tension, and dark humor, keeping the audience invested in the characters' relationships and conflicts.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and conflict to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, dialogue-driven interactions, and a building sense of tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the emotional turmoil of Gina Hess, showcasing her complex feelings about her deceased husband. However, the dialogue could be more nuanced to reflect the depth of her emotions rather than relying on broad statements like 'I’m glad he’s dead.' This could help the audience connect more with her character.
  • The interactions between Mickey and Moe with their mother feel somewhat repetitive. Both sons express disapproval of Gina's comments, but their responses are nearly identical. This could be an opportunity to differentiate their characters further, perhaps by giving one a more rebellious attitude and the other a more submissive one.
  • The presence of Bruce Gold and the heavies adds a layer of tension, but their roles could be more defined. As it stands, they feel like background characters without much impact on the scene. Consider giving them a line or two that reflects their personalities or their opinions on the situation, which could enhance the atmosphere.
  • The emotional shift from Gina's anger to her breakdown is effective, but the transition could be smoother. The abruptness of her tears might benefit from a moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes her internal struggle before she breaks down.
  • The scene ends with Mickey leaving for a phone call, which feels abrupt. It might be more impactful to have a moment of silence or a shared look between the characters before he exits, emphasizing the weight of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Gina's character by incorporating specific memories or anecdotes about her husband that illustrate their relationship, which could evoke sympathy from the audience.
  • Differentiate Mickey and Moe's personalities further by giving them distinct reactions to their mother's emotional outburst. This could be achieved through varied dialogue or body language.
  • Enhance the heavies' presence by giving them a line that reflects their role in the situation, perhaps commenting on Gina's emotional state or the implications of the police involvement.
  • Smooth the transition to Gina's breakdown by including a moment of silence or a visual cue, such as her looking out the window or fiddling with an object, to build tension before her emotional release.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for a more poignant exit for Mickey, perhaps with a moment of hesitation or a final look at his mother, which could underscore the emotional weight of the situation.



Scene 24 -  Disinheritance and Toenails
INT. FARMDALE MOTEL. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - SAME TIME

Lorne Malvo sits on his bed, clipping his toe nails.

MALVO
Mickey, it’s Lewis Grossman. Your
dad’s estate attorney. First let
me say how sorry I am for your
loss.

MICKEY
Ok.
39.


MALVO
Next thing is, I’m responsible for
overseeing the dispersal of your
dad’s vast estate.

MICKEY
(brightening)
You mean the money?

MALVO
Right. Money, real estate
holdings, automobiles. And --
well, there’s no delicate way to
put this -- the will is very clear.
Your dad decided to leave
everything to your younger brother,
Moe.

MICKEY
Are you fucking kidding me?

MALVO
I know it’s hard to hear. But the
will is very specific. Quote, I
leave the entirety of my vast
estate to my second born -- and
favorite -- son, Moe. That’s
sweet. He musta really loved that
boy. Anyway, that’s it. Again,
sorry for your loss. If you have
any questions please don’t hesitate
to call.

Malvo hangs up, finishes clipping his toe nails.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In a motel room in Saint Cloud, Minnesota, Lorne Malvo, posing as an estate attorney, delivers shocking news to Mickey about his father's will, which leaves everything to Mickey's younger brother, Moe. Mickey reacts with disbelief and anger, while Malvo remains nonchalant, casually clipping his toenails during the call. The scene highlights the darkly comedic contrast between Malvo's mundane actions and the emotional turmoil he causes, ending with his indifferent demeanor as he hangs up the phone.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled interactions
  • Unexpected plot twist
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of visual variety

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-crafted with a mix of tension, dark humor, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience engaged. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the complex dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of inheritance betrayal adds a layer of intrigue and conflict to the scene, setting up future developments and character arcs. The unexpected twist keeps the audience on their toes and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot thickens with the revelation of the will and the inheritance decision, setting up a new conflict between the brothers. The scene moves the story forward by introducing a significant turning point that will impact the characters' motivations and actions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of family inheritance but adds a fresh twist with the dark humor and unexpected plot twist of the father leaving everything to the younger brother. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Mickey's shock and anger contrasting with Malvo's sarcastic and manipulative demeanor. The scene delves into their conflicting emotions and motivations, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Mickey undergoes a significant emotional change as he grapples with the betrayal of his father's will. His shock and anger transform into a mix of disbelief and determination, setting up a potential character arc of redemption or revenge.

Internal Goal: 8

Mickey's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the fact that his father left everything to his younger brother, Moe. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition from his father, as well as his fear of being overshadowed by his brother.

External Goal: 7

Mickey's external goal in this scene is to process the news of his father's will and potentially challenge it to claim a share of the estate. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in terms of his financial security and family relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Mickey and Malvo, as well as the internal conflict within Mickey, adds tension and suspense to the scene. The revelation of the inheritance decision creates a new layer of conflict that will drive future actions and decisions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Mickey is faced with a difficult decision and must navigate conflicting emotions and motivations.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Mickey realizes he has been disinherited and must now navigate the complex dynamics of his family and the inheritance process. The scene sets up a power struggle and potential betrayal that will have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist that will impact the characters' relationships and motivations. The revelation of the inheritance decision sets up future conflicts and developments, driving the narrative towards new directions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of the father's will and the characters' reactions to it.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of familial loyalty versus personal gain. Mickey must decide whether to accept his father's decision or fight for a share of the estate, which challenges his beliefs about family and inheritance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from shock and anger to humor and disbelief. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters' struggles and conflicts, creating a sense of empathy and intrigue.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' true feelings and intentions. The exchange between Malvo and Mickey is tense, darkly humorous, and filled with subtext, adding layers to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict between the characters, the dark humor, and the unexpected plot twist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information and character reactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Malvo's darkly comedic nature, showcasing his detachment and manipulation. His casual demeanor while discussing a sensitive topic like a death and inheritance adds to the tension and absurdity of the situation.
  • The dialogue is sharp and reveals character motivations well. Malvo's condescending tone and Mickey's escalating frustration create a strong dynamic that keeps the audience engaged. However, the transition from Malvo's initial sympathy to the shocking news could be more gradual to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The visual of Malvo clipping his toenails while delivering such heavy news is a strong choice that emphasizes his nonchalance and the absurdity of the moment. This juxtaposition could be further emphasized with more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the scene.
  • Mickey's reaction is believable and relatable, but it could benefit from more depth. Adding a moment of silence or a physical reaction before he responds could heighten the emotional stakes and make the audience feel his shock more acutely.
  • The scene ends abruptly after Malvo hangs up, which feels somewhat anticlimactic. A brief moment of reflection from Mickey could provide a stronger emotional closure and set up the next scene more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief pause or silence after Malvo delivers the shocking news to allow Mickey's reaction to resonate more with the audience.
  • Enhance the visual description of Malvo's actions to create a more vivid and engaging image of the scene, emphasizing the absurdity of the situation.
  • Explore Mickey's emotional state further by including a physical reaction or internal monologue that reflects his shock and anger after hearing about the will.
  • To improve the pacing, consider extending the dialogue slightly to build tension before revealing the contents of the will, allowing for a more gradual escalation of emotions.
  • Add a closing line or moment for Mickey after the call ends to provide a stronger emotional impact and transition into the next scene.



Scene 25 -  Chaos Unleashed
INT. LIVING ROOM. HESS HOUSE - DAY

Vern and Molly have come in while Mickey was on the phone.
They stand talking to Gina, Moe and Bruce Gold.

VERN
Well, like I said, Mrs. Hess, we’re
checking some things on our end.
But anything you could tell us --
about yer husband’s business, or --

BRUCE GOLD
Appreciate the visit, Vern. But
Mrs. Hess had no kind of
involvement in Sam’s business.
Frankly, she’s mystified.
(MORE)
40.

BRUCE GOLD (CONT'D)
Her husband being a pillar of the
community and all. I mean, heck,
voted Saint Cloud Businessman of
the Year, 1996 and 98.

VERN
Ya. Like I said, it’s a puzzler.
But if you or these big fellas have
any information --

Mickey comes back from the kitchen, stands in the doorway.

MOE
(mouths)
Who was it?

Mickey waves Moe over (come outside and I’ll tell ya). The
two go to the front door.

VERN
-- about enemies Mr. Hess mighta
made or --

There is a HOCKEY STICK resting against the wall. Mickey
GRABS it on his way out.

VERN (CONT’D)
-- you know, differences he mighta
had with certain individuals, well,
we’d appreciate the sharing of such
information.

GINA HESS
When do I get the fat bastard’s
body back?

BRUCE GOLD
Gina.

Vern and Molly exchange a look. Through the LIVING ROOM
WINDOW we see Mickey and Moe walk out into the front yard,
Mickey holding the hockey stick.

VERN
Well, there’ll be an autopsy today.
And they’re real delicate with
that. I wanna reassure you. You
won’t be able to tell a thing.

MOLLY
Ya. It’s amazin’ what those fellas
can do. My aunt had a stroke in
the bathtub. Just real bloated
when they found her.
41.


Outside, MICKEY CLOBBERS MOE with a hockey stick. Moe
staggers. Mickey hits him again.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Puffed up like a fish. But -- what
do ya know? -- we had an open
casket.

Moe goes down. Mickey BEATS him mercilessly.

GINA HESS
(stares at Molly)
What the hell are you talking
about?

MOLLY
-- just, they do nice work is --

Molly glances out the window, sees Moe on the ground, taking
a beating.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Chief! 217! 217!

She sprints for the door and out into the yard. We watch
through the window as she TACKLES Mickey.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Vern and Molly visit Gina Hess and Bruce Gold to discuss her husband Sam's business and potential enemies. Bruce defends Gina's innocence, while outside, Mickey violently attacks Moe with a hockey stick. Distracted by a conversation about autopsies, Molly rushes out to intervene, tackling Mickey and stopping the assault.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Twists and turns in the plot
Weaknesses
  • Violent content may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of tension, violence, and shocking moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, adding depth to the characters and the unfolding story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family secrets, hidden tensions, and unexpected violence is executed effectively in this scene. It adds layers to the characters and drives the plot forward in a compelling way.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and full of twists and turns, with each revelation adding to the overall mystery and tension of the scene. The conflict between the characters is well-developed and drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar murder mystery premise but adds a unique twist with its blend of dark humor and sudden violence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, each with their own motivations and secrets. Their interactions reveal hidden depths and add to the overall tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, revealing new layers of their personalities and motivations. The escalating conflict and shocking revelations push them to confront their inner demons and make difficult choices.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information about Mr. Hess's business dealings and potential enemies. This reflects his need to solve the mystery surrounding Mr. Hess's death and his desire to uncover the truth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the circumstances of Mr. Hess's death and gather information from his family and associates. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a murder case and navigating the complexities of the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with tensions running high between the characters. The escalating violence and shocking revelations increase the stakes and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing conflicting motives and hidden agendas. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontation, adding suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters' lives and relationships on the line. The escalating conflict and violence raise the tension and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward at a rapid pace, with each revelation and conflict driving the narrative towards its climax. The escalating tension and violence keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation from casual conversation to a violent confrontation. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true motives and alliances.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's pursuit of justice and the community's desire to maintain appearances and protect their own interests. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in truth and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to shock and conflict. The characters' emotional turmoil adds depth to the story and engages the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It adds depth to the scene and drives the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, humor, and sudden violence. The shifting dynamics between characters and the unexpected turn of events keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The gradual escalation of conflict and the sudden bursts of action create a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting. The visual cues and transitions are well-executed.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a gradual buildup of tension leading to a climactic confrontation. The pacing and rhythm are effective in maintaining the audience's interest.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the juxtaposition of the serious conversation between Vern, Molly, and Gina with the violent actions of Mickey outside. This contrast highlights the absurdity of the situation and keeps the audience engaged.
  • Molly's dialogue about her aunt's stroke and the open casket serves as dark humor, but it feels slightly out of place given the gravity of the situation. This could be refined to maintain the tone without detracting from the urgency of the moment.
  • The physical action of Mickey attacking Moe is impactful, but the scene could benefit from more visceral descriptions of the violence to heighten the emotional stakes. This would help the audience feel the weight of the moment more acutely.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the dialogue inside to the action outside could be smoother. The shift feels abrupt, and a more gradual build-up to the violence could enhance the tension.
  • The characters of Vern and Molly are well-established, but Gina's character could be fleshed out further. Her reaction to her husband's death and her interactions with the others could provide more depth and complexity to her emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening Molly's dialogue about her aunt to make it more relevant to the current situation, perhaps by relating it directly to the autopsy or the nature of death.
  • Add more descriptive language to the action outside to convey the brutality of Mickey's attack on Moe, allowing the audience to visualize the scene more vividly.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or conflict within Mickey before he attacks Moe, which could add complexity to his character and make the violence feel more impactful.
  • Create a more seamless transition between the dialogue inside and the action outside by incorporating a moment of foreshadowing or a visual cue that hints at the impending violence.
  • Explore Gina's emotional state further by adding a line or two that reveals her feelings about her husband's death, which could enhance her character and provide a stronger emotional anchor for the scene.



Scene 26 -  Silent Tensions
INT. POLICE CAR (TRAVELING). SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

Mickey sits in back, handcuffed. Molly drives. Vern is in
the passenger seat.

MOLLY
I don’t understand. Why would ya
do a thing like that? And to yer
own brother.

Mickey says nothing. They drive in silence.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER’S CAR. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lester is driving to work. As he passes the Farmdale Motel,
he sees Lorne Malvo exit his room. Lester slows, watches
Malvo go into the Arby’s next door.

LESTER NYGAARD
What the heck?

CUT TO:
42.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Mickey sits handcuffed in the back of a police car, unresponsive to Molly's probing questions about his actions towards his brother, creating a tense atmosphere. Meanwhile, Lester drives to work and is surprised to see Lorne Malvo exiting a motel and entering an Arby’s, hinting at a deeper connection to the unfolding events.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Plot advancement
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals important information, and sets up future conflicts, with strong emotional impact and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation between characters with hidden motives and dark secrets is well-executed, adding depth to the story and setting up future developments.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly, with key revelations, character interactions, and conflicts that drive the narrative forward and set up future events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting and conflict but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' interactions and the unfolding mystery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex relationships, hidden motivations, and conflicting emotions that add depth to the scene and drive the conflict.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes, revealing hidden depths, motivations, and conflicts that will impact future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Mickey's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his silence and composure despite the accusations and questions from Molly. This reflects his deeper need to protect himself and his secrets, as well as his fear of facing the consequences of his actions.

External Goal: 7

Mickey's external goal in this scene is to avoid incriminating himself further and to navigate the situation with his family members. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the fallout of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and emotional impact, setting up future confrontations and developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing life-changing decisions, moral dilemmas, and dangerous situations that will have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information, setting up future conflicts, and deepening character relationships and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected developments and challenges for the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between loyalty to family and self-preservation. Mickey's actions have put him in a position where he must choose between protecting himself and facing the consequences of betraying his brother.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, including tension, shock, intrigue, and empathy, engaging the audience and deepening the character connections.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character dynamics, conflicts, and emotions, while moving the plot forward and adding tension to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense and intrigue through the characters' interactions and the unfolding mystery. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The scene directions and dialogue are well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character dynamics. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere with Molly's questioning of Mickey, which highlights the emotional weight of the situation. However, Mickey's silence could be more impactful if it were contrasted with Molly's growing frustration, allowing for a deeper exploration of their characters.
  • The transition from the police car to Lester's car is abrupt. While the cut serves to juxtapose the two characters' experiences, it could benefit from a more seamless connection, perhaps by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes, enhancing the narrative flow.
  • Molly's dialogue is straightforward but lacks emotional depth. Adding a line that reflects her personal stake in the situation or her feelings about family dynamics could enrich her character and make the audience more invested in her perspective.
  • Lester's reaction to seeing Malvo could be expanded to show his internal conflict. Instead of just saying, 'What the heck?', a more nuanced response could reveal his fear, curiosity, or recognition of the danger Malvo represents, adding layers to his character development.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed. The silence in the police car could be extended to build tension, allowing the audience to feel the weight of Mickey's actions and the implications of his silence. This would create a more suspenseful atmosphere leading into Lester's discovery.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of tension in the police car where Molly's frustration peaks, perhaps leading her to raise her voice or express disbelief, which would contrast with Mickey's silence and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Introduce a visual element during the transition between the police car and Lester's car, such as a passing billboard or a reflection in the window, to create a smoother narrative flow and maintain audience engagement.
  • Enhance Molly's dialogue by incorporating a personal anecdote or a rhetorical question that reflects her own family experiences, making her character more relatable and deepening the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Revise Lester's line to include more emotional weight, perhaps by having him reflect on his past with Malvo or express a sense of foreboding, which would add complexity to his character and foreshadow future events.
  • Slow down the pacing in the police car scene to allow for more tension-building silence, giving the audience time to absorb the gravity of the situation and the implications of Mickey's actions before cutting to Lester.



Scene 27 -  A Dark Revelation
INT. INSURANCE AGENCY. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lester Nygaard arrives for work. He takes off his puffy
coat, hangs it on the coat rack. His boss, BO MUNK (50s)
comes over.

BO
Heya, Lester.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh, hiya, Bo.

BO
What happened to yer face there?

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya know that spot near the fire
station?

BO
Where they wash the trucks?

LESTER NYGAARD
Yah, slipped on the ice.

BO
Ouch. Say, Lester. I needya ta
pull the policy for Sam Hess.

LESTER NYGAARD
(beat)
For -- who now?

BO
Sam Hess, owns the truck depot over
on Winslow. You know. Big fella.
Well, he’s dead.

The color goes out of Lester’s face.

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh ya?

BO
Ya. Shame. That’s a big policy.
(lowers his voice)
Murder, they’re sayin’. Stabbed ta
death is what I heard.
(off Lester)
You okay there, Lester?

LESTER NYGAARD
Oh sure. I, uh -- you know I went
ta high school with him.
43.


BO
Ya don’t say. Well, anyway. I need
ya ta pull the policy. Gotta get
on the phone with his wife later.

Bo walks away. Lester stands there, feeling both terror and
a peculiar elation.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In an insurance agency in Saint Cloud, Minnesota, Lester Nygaard receives shocking news from his boss, Bo Munk, about the murder of a former classmate, Sam Hess. While Bo discusses the incident casually and assigns Lester to retrieve the insurance policy, Lester internally grapples with a mix of terror and hidden excitement, revealing his complex emotions about the event. The scene is tense and unsettling, culminating in Lester's conflicted state as he masks his true feelings.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Revelation of major plot point
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interaction
  • Lack of visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a significant plot development with the revelation of Sam Hess's murder. The mix of terror and elation in Lester's reaction adds depth to his character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character learning about a murder involving someone from their past is compelling and sets the stage for further exploration of relationships and motives.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a significant turn with the revelation of Sam Hess's murder, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds a fresh twist with the revelation of a murder and its impact on the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Lester Nygaard's reaction to the news of Sam Hess's murder reveals more about his character and sets up potential conflicts and developments in the future.

Character Changes: 6

Lester Nygaard experiences a shift in his emotional state and potentially his motivations as he learns about Sam Hess's murder.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to conceal his true emotions of terror and elation upon hearing about Sam Hess's murder. This reflects his deeper need to maintain a facade of normalcy and control over his emotions.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to pull the insurance policy for Sam Hess and prepare to speak to his wife. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a high-stakes situation at work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is heightened with the revelation of Sam Hess's murder, creating tension and uncertainty for the characters involved.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Lester faces internal and external challenges that create uncertainty and tension. The audience is left wondering how he will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the revelation of a murder, indicating potential danger and conflict for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development that will have lasting consequences for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a sudden twist with Sam Hess's murder, leaving the audience uncertain about Lester's reaction and future actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict lies in Lester's internal struggle between his desire to appear unaffected by the news of Sam Hess's murder and his underlying emotions of fear and excitement. This challenges his values of honesty and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits fear, shock, and intrigue from the characters and the audience, setting a strong emotional tone for future developments.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the shock and tension of the situation, especially in Lester's interactions with his boss.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a compelling conflict, reveals intriguing information, and hints at deeper character motivations. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a natural flow of dialogue and character movements. The rhythm enhances the tension and emotional impact of the revelation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Lester's emotional state through his interactions with Bo, showcasing his mix of fear and excitement upon hearing about Sam Hess's death. This duality is crucial for character development, as it hints at Lester's darker inclinations and foreshadows his transformation throughout the story.
  • The dialogue is natural and captures the mundane yet tense atmosphere of an insurance agency. However, it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, while Lester's responses are appropriate, they could be layered with more internal conflict or hints of his true feelings about Hess's death, which would deepen the audience's understanding of his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective, but the transition from Bo's casual conversation to the revelation of Hess's murder could be more dramatic. The moment could be heightened with a pause or a more pronounced reaction from Lester, emphasizing the weight of the news and its implications for him.
  • The visual elements are minimal in this scene, primarily focusing on dialogue. Incorporating more visual storytelling—such as Lester's body language or the office environment—could enhance the tension and provide additional context for his emotional state. For example, showing him fidgeting or glancing nervously around the office could visually represent his internal turmoil.
  • The scene ends on a strong note, with Lester feeling both terror and elation, but it could be more impactful if it included a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that symbolizes his conflicting emotions. This would leave the audience with a stronger impression of his character's complexity.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to Lester's dialogue to reflect his internal conflict about Hess's death. This could involve him making ambiguous comments that hint at his darker thoughts or feelings.
  • Consider incorporating a moment of silence or a dramatic pause after Bo reveals the murder, allowing the weight of the news to sink in for both Lester and the audience.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more details about Lester's body language and the office environment. For example, show him sweating or fidgeting to convey his anxiety.
  • Include a brief moment at the end of the scene where Lester reflects on the news, perhaps looking out a window or at a photo of himself and Hess from high school, to visually represent his conflicting emotions.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a minor character in the background who reacts to the news of Hess's death, which could serve to heighten the tension and provide a broader context for the impact of the murder on the community.



Scene 28 -  Confrontation at Arby's
INT. ARBY’S. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - DAY

Lorne Malvo sits at a formica table, finishing his meal.
Lester comes in, hat on, agitated. Malvo recognizes him.

MALVO
Lester.

Lester comes over.

LESTER NYGAARD
Did you -- geez.
(leans in)
Did you really kill him?
(almost can’t say it)
Sam.

MALVO
Oh my god. Is Sam dead?
(off Lester)
How do you feel about that?

LESTER NYGAARD
I mean, of course. It’s -- ya
know, tragic --

MALVO
Then why’d you kill him?

LESTER NYGAARD
(too loud)
Now hold on a second.

Lester looks around, sits.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(quiet)
I never --

MALVO
You did actually. Remember? Yes or
no.
44.


LESTER NYGAARD
(hisses)
I never said yes.

MALVO
Well, you didn’t say no.

Beat. Lester is tied up in knots.

LESTER NYGAARD
Now, that’s not -- that won’t -- in
a court a law -- that won’t --

MALVO
(dangerous)
Who said anything about a court of
law?

LESTER NYGAARD
No. I just mean -- Aw geez. He had
a wife. And those boys.

MALVO
He put you in a barrel and rolled
you in the road. Your problem is,
you lived your whole life thinking
there are rules. There aren’t. We
used to be gorillas. All we ever
had was what we could take and
defend. The truth is, you’re more
of a man today than you were
yesterday.

LESTER NYGAARD
How do ya figure?

MALVO
It’s a red tide, Lester. This life
of ours. The shit they make us
eat. Day after day -- the boss,
the wife, etcetera -- wearin’ us
down. If you don’t stand up to it -
- show ‘em you’re still an ape
deep down where it counts -- you’re
just gonna get washed away.

Off Lester: this resonates.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense encounter at an Arby's, Lester Nygaard confronts Lorne Malvo about the death of Sam, revealing his agitation and guilt. Malvo manipulates the conversation, challenging Lester's understanding of morality and suggesting that true strength lies in embracing primal instincts. This unsettling exchange forces Lester to confront his inner turmoil, hinting at a potential transformation as he grapples with the implications of Malvo's dark philosophy.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Exploration of moral ambiguity
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic or philosophical at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and delves deep into the characters' motivations and moral dilemmas, making it a compelling and thought-provoking watch.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival of the fittest and the exploration of moral ambiguity are executed effectively, adding depth and complexity to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricately woven with layers of tension and suspense, driving the narrative forward while also delving into the characters' internal conflicts and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre, exploring themes of morality and existentialism in a compelling way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and internal struggles that drive the narrative forward. Their interactions and psychological warfare add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and motivations, particularly Lester, as he grapples with the moral implications of his actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to justify his actions and come to terms with the consequences of his choices. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to navigate the dangerous situation he finds himself in and avoid further trouble. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with Malvo.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, driving the narrative forward and adding depth to the characters' interactions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing moral dilemmas, psychological manipulation, and the consequences of their actions, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, revelations, and character dynamics that propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Malvo's nihilistic worldview and Lester's belief in rules and morality. This challenges Lester's values and forces him to confront his own beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to moral dilemmas and psychological warfare, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts effectively. It adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and suspenseful atmosphere. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense confrontation in a crime drama, with a clear build-up of tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Lester and Malvo, showcasing their complex relationship. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. While Malvo's manipulation is clear, Lester's internal conflict could be more vividly expressed through his actions and body language, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Malvo's philosophical musings about life and primal instincts are intriguing but could be more impactful if they were tied more closely to Lester's character arc. As it stands, they feel somewhat detached from Lester's immediate emotional turmoil regarding Sam's death. Integrating more of Lester's personal stakes into Malvo's dialogue could create a stronger connection.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial exchange feels rushed, which diminishes the weight of Lester's confrontation with Malvo. Allowing for longer pauses or beats after key lines could heighten the tension and give the audience time to absorb the implications of their conversation.
  • The setting of Arby's is an interesting choice that contrasts with the dark themes of the conversation. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to ground the audience in the environment. Describing the sounds, smells, or even the visual clutter of the fast-food restaurant could enhance the atmosphere and reflect the chaos of Lester's mind.
  • Lester's reaction to Malvo's insinuations about killing Sam feels somewhat muted. Given the gravity of the situation, a more visceral response—perhaps a physical reaction or a moment of panic—could heighten the stakes and make his internal struggle more palpable.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physicality to Lester's character in this scene. For example, he could fidget, sweat, or exhibit other nervous habits that reflect his agitation and fear, making his emotional state more visible.
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue. For instance, Malvo could use more ambiguous language that hints at his true intentions without explicitly stating them, forcing Lester to read between the lines and heightening the tension.
  • Slow down the pacing by inserting pauses after significant lines. This would allow the audience to digest the implications of what is being said and create a more suspenseful atmosphere.
  • Enhance the setting by including sensory details that reflect the contrast between the mundane environment of Arby's and the dark conversation taking place. This could involve describing the sounds of the restaurant, the smell of food, or the visual chaos around them.
  • Explore Lester's emotional turmoil more deeply by allowing him to express a wider range of reactions to Malvo's provocations. This could include moments of anger, fear, or even desperation, making his character arc more compelling.



Scene 29 -  A Lead in the Emergency Room
INT. NURSE’S STATION. EMERGENCY ROOM. SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

Molly enters, approaches the nurse’s station. SUE ROUNDTREE
(30s), the same nurse from earlier, is working.
45.


MOLLY
Slow day.

SUE ROUNDTREE
Bars just opened. Wait an hour.

Molly takes off her gloves and hat.

MOLLY
How’s the Hess boy?

SUE ROUNDTREE
The which now?

MOLLY
Brother attacked him with a hockey
stick.

SUE ROUNDTREE
Oh, Sure. Outta surgery. Doctor
had to drill holes in his head, on
account of the swelling. May have
some brain damage is what I heard.

MOLLY
That’s a shame. With their dad
dead and all.

SUE ROUNDTREE
Family.

MOLLY
Ya.

Beat. Small talk over, Molly gets to the real reason she
came.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Say, while I’m here -- we found a
car wreck out by Moose Lake
yesterday morning.

SUE ROUNDTREE
Icy out there.

MOLLY
Sure is. Here’s the thing though.
The windshield was cracked. There
was blood and all, but no driver.
So I’m wondering -- you see any
head injuries in the last day or
so, coulda been caused by those
circumstances.
46.


SUE ROUNDTREE
There was this one fella.

MOLLY
Oh ya?

SUE ROUNDTREE
Ya. Looked like he banged his head
real bad, but wouldn’t give ID. So
we couldn’t treat him.

MOLLY
Can you describe him?

SUE ROUNDTREE
Real intense. Average height.
Brown pants, if that helps.

Molly takes out her notepad, writes.

MOLLY
Brown pants. Anything else?

SUE ROUNDTREE
Just real intense. His eyes, ya
know?
(beat)
Oh, and he was talkin’ ta this
other fella.

MOLLY
Other fella.

SUE ROUNDTREE
Ya. Here for a broken nose. Looked
like they were maybe havin’ an
argument.

MOLLY
Ya don’t say.

Sue looks through her files.

SUE ROUNDTREE
Lester Nygaard. He was here around
four in the P.M.

MOLLY
You remember what they were arguing
about?
47.


SUE ROUNDTREE
Well, ya know, it’s funny, but I
wanna say they were arguing about
that dead fella.

MOLLY
Who?

SUE ROUNDTREE
Hess.

MOLLY
(that’s interesting)
Really.

SUE ROUNDTREE
(nodding)
Ya. Heard ‘em say his name. Is
that, like, a lead?

MOLLY
Oh ya.

Molly nods absently for a moment, thinking jackpot.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Molly visits the nurse's station in the emergency room, engaging in casual conversation with Nurse Sue Roundtree about a recent patient, the Hess boy. She inquires about a car wreck and any related head injuries, prompting Sue to reveal details about an intense man with head trauma who refused identification and argued about the deceased Hess. This information intrigues Molly, suggesting a significant lead in her investigation into the car wreck.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing investigation
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and provides crucial information for the ongoing investigation. The dialogue is engaging and propels the story forward, keeping the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a car wreck and connecting it to a potential suspect in a murder case is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline. The scene effectively introduces new leads and keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Molly uncovers new information related to the car wreck and the mysterious man with head injuries. The scene sets up new leads and adds complexity to the investigation, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the detective genre by combining elements of small-town gossip with a mysterious car wreck, creating an authentic and engaging narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Molly's investigative nature and determination shine in this scene, showcasing her commitment to solving the case. Sue Roundtree provides valuable information, adding depth to the supporting characters. The characters serve their purpose in advancing the plot and maintaining the audience's interest.

Character Changes: 4

There are no significant character changes in this scene. The focus is more on advancing the investigation and uncovering new leads rather than character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal is to solve the mystery of the car wreck and missing driver, which reflects her desire for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to gather information about the potential head injury patient and the argument between two individuals, reflecting her immediate challenge of solving the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is not overt conflict in this scene, the underlying tension and mystery surrounding the investigation create a sense of conflict. The conflict is more subtle but drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Molly faces challenges in gathering information and solving the mystery.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the potential connection between the car wreck, the mysterious man, and the murder of Sam Hess adds a layer of intrigue and raises the stakes for the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new leads and connecting them to the ongoing investigation. It sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the conversation and the revelation of new information.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of truth and justice, as Molly seeks to uncover the truth behind the car wreck and missing driver, while also dealing with the consequences of violence and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is minimal in this scene, focusing more on the investigative aspects of the storyline. The audience is more intellectually engaged in solving the mystery rather than emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, informative, and keeps the audience engaged. It effectively conveys key information about the investigation and hints at potential connections between characters. The dialogue drives the scene forward and maintains a sense of suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intriguing mystery, realistic dialogue, and subtle character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building tension through dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a gradual buildup of tension and clues leading to a revelation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue by connecting Molly's investigation to the ongoing chaos surrounding the Hess family. The dialogue is natural and flows well, showcasing the small talk that often occurs in a hospital setting before transitioning to the more serious investigation.
  • Molly's character is well-developed through her interactions with Sue Roundtree. Her determination to uncover the truth is evident, and the way she shifts from casual conversation to serious inquiry demonstrates her professionalism and focus.
  • The use of small talk about the Hess boy's condition serves to humanize the situation, making the audience empathize with the characters involved. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight, especially considering the gravity of the situation surrounding the Hess family.
  • The description of the unidentified man with head trauma is intriguing, but it could be enhanced by providing more specific details that would help the audience visualize him better. This would create a stronger connection to the mystery surrounding his identity.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could be tightened in places. For instance, some of the dialogue exchanges feel slightly repetitive, which could detract from the urgency of Molly's investigation. Streamlining these exchanges could enhance the overall tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Molly's dialogue, perhaps by reflecting on the implications of the Hess family's tragedy. This could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Introduce more specific physical descriptions or behaviors for the unidentified man with head trauma to make him more memorable and to heighten the mystery surrounding his character.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any repetitive phrases or exchanges that do not add to the scene's tension or character development. This will help maintain a brisk pace and keep the audience engaged.
  • Incorporate visual cues or actions that reflect Molly's growing urgency as she uncovers leads. For example, she could exhibit subtle signs of impatience or determination, such as tapping her pen or leaning in closer during the conversation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger hook or cliffhanger that leaves the audience eager to see what Molly will do next with the information she has just received.



Scene 30 -  Excited Expectations
INT. SAINT CLOUD POLICE STATION, SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

Vern sits in his office, eating take out. DEPUTY BILL OLSEN
knocks.

BILL
Phone call, chief. It’s the wife.

Vern picks up the phone.

VERN
Hey hon.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. THURMAN HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - SAME TIME

Ida is in the kitchen.

IDA
White.

VERN
White what?
48.


IDA
I decided. We’re gonna paint the
nursery white.

VERN
It’s already white.

IDA
White on purpose.

VERN
New coat.

IDA
Yah.

VERN
Any particular shade?

IDA
What do ya mean?

VERN
Well, ya got yer bright white, yer
snow white.

BILL
(hasn’t left)
Eggshell.

VERN
Right. There’s eggshell.

IDA
Oh. Hadn’t thoughta those.

Vern realizes he’s opened a whole other can of worms.

VERN
Tell ya what. Why don’t I stop at
the Home Depot, pick up some
different shades and we’ll figure
it out tonight?

IDA
We’re havin’ a baby, Vern.

VERN
That’s true.

IDA
No. I mean, it’s finally sinkin’
in. We’re gonna have a baby.
49.


VERN
(beat, happy)
I can’t wait. See ya soon.

He hangs up.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In Vern's office at the police station, he enjoys takeout when Deputy Bill Olsen informs him that his wife, Ida, is on the phone. Their conversation revolves around repainting the nursery white, revealing Vern's surprise and excitement about becoming a father. They amicably resolve their differing opinions on the paint color by planning to pick up samples together, deepening their emotional connection as they share their anticipation for their upcoming baby.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Balancing personal and professional themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances the emotional depth of the characters with the ongoing investigation, providing a nuanced portrayal of their personal lives and professional duties.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining personal moments with the main plot adds depth to the characters and enhances the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Vern receives a call from his wife about painting the nursery, offering a brief respite from the intense investigation and showcasing the characters' personal lives.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of impending parenthood through its focus on the simple yet profound moments of decision-making and realization. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Vern's excitement about impending fatherhood and Ida's realization about their baby adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

Vern experiences a mix of emotions as he contemplates impending fatherhood, hinting at potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Vern's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his wife and share in the excitement of impending parenthood. This reflects his deeper desire for family and a sense of fulfillment in his personal life.

External Goal: 7

Vern's external goal is to decide on a paint color for the nursery, reflecting the immediate challenge of preparing for the arrival of their baby.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a contrast between the personal and professional lives of the characters, the scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on introspection and anticipation.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the characters' conflicting opinions and emotions, adding depth and complexity to their decision-making process.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal happiness and anticipation rather than the high-stakes investigation of a murder.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene provides insight into the characters' personal lives, it does not significantly advance the main plot or investigation, serving more as a moment of reflection and anticipation.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional depth and vulnerability revealed in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience invested in their journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of new beginnings and the uncertainty of parenthood. It challenges Vern's beliefs about responsibility and readiness for change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from happiness and anticipation to reflection and intrigue, engaging the audience on both personal and investigative levels.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, capturing the everyday conversations between characters while hinting at their deeper emotions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its focus on personal relationships and emotional stakes, drawing the audience into the characters' intimate moments and decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, allowing the characters' interactions to unfold naturally and resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and structured, with clear transitions between locations and characters. The dialogue is properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and interaction, building tension and emotion as the characters navigate their decision about the nursery paint color.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of domesticity amidst the chaos of the overarching narrative, providing a brief respite that highlights Vern's excitement about becoming a father. However, the dialogue can feel a bit mundane and lacks the tension that has been building in previous scenes. While the light-hearted banter about paint colors serves to humanize Vern and Ida, it may not resonate with the audience given the darker themes of the story.
  • The intercutting between Vern's office and Ida's kitchen is a nice technique to juxtapose their lives, but the stakes feel low in this moment. The audience may struggle to connect with the significance of the nursery paint color when the narrative is filled with violence and moral ambiguity. This could lead to a disconnection from the characters' emotional arcs.
  • The humor in the dialogue, particularly with Bill's interjection about 'eggshell,' is a nice touch, but it risks undermining the tension that has been established in the previous scenes. The scene could benefit from a stronger emotional undercurrent that ties Vern's domestic life to the larger narrative, perhaps by hinting at the dangers that loom over him and his family.
  • Vern's realization that they are having a baby is a pivotal moment, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to the events unfolding in the story. For instance, a mention of the recent violence or the implications of being a father in such a chaotic world could deepen the emotional weight of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that connects Vern's excitement about the baby to the darker events happening in the story. This could create a sense of foreboding and heighten the stakes for Vern and Ida.
  • Introduce a subtle tension or conflict in the conversation that reflects the external chaos of the narrative. For example, Vern could express concern about the safety of bringing a child into such a tumultuous environment, which would add depth to the scene.
  • Enhance the emotional resonance by incorporating a moment of vulnerability from Vern, perhaps reflecting on his fears or hopes for the future as a father. This could create a stronger connection with the audience and make the stakes feel more personal.
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain a brisk pace while still allowing for character development. This could involve cutting some of the more mundane exchanges about paint colors and focusing on the emotional implications of their conversation.



Scene 31 -  Connections in the Night
INT. VERN’S CAR (TRAVELING). ST. CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Vern pulls into the Home Depot parking lot. His radio
squawks.

MOLLY
Come in, Chief.

Vern picks up the handset.

VERN
This is Vern, go ahead.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. HOSPITAL. ST. CLOUD, MN - SAME TIME

Molly stands beside her prowler outside the hospital.

MOLLY
Chief, I’m over at the hospital. I
was checkin on the Hess boy and --

VERN
How is he?

MOLLY
Uh, he’s, uh -- you know, there
could be some brain damage.

VERN
That’s a shame.

MOLLY
Ya. Hey, so I got ta talkin to Sue
Roundtree, and I asked her if
they’d had any head injuries lately
-- ya know my theory about the
driver in that wreck -- and Sue
says they did yesterday. A
peculiar fella, she says. Real
intense. And here’s where it gets
interesting. Cause she says the
fella with the head injury was
talkin to another fella. About Sam
Hess.
50.


VERN
Oh yeah?

MOLLY
Yessir. Says the two was thick as
thieves. So suddenly I’m thinking,
maybe these two cases, maybe
they’re connected, huh?

VERN
(impressed)
Could be. She say who the other
fella was?

MOLLY
(looks in her pad)
Lester Nygaard.

VERN
Really.

MOLLY
You know him.

VERN
Sure. I know Lester. Sells
insurance over at Bo’s shop.

MOLLY
Ya. I called over. They’re closed.
So I was gonna go by Lester’s
place.

VERN
No. I know Lester. I’ll do it.
You call it a day. Good work.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense night scene at the Home Depot parking lot, Vern communicates with Molly via radio about the critical condition of the Hess boy, who may suffer from brain damage linked to a head injury case involving Lester Nygaard. Intrigued by this connection, Vern decides to visit Lester, signaling a pivotal shift in the investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing investigation
  • Revealing connections between characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some characters lack development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the investigation of the murder case and the revelation of potential connections. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a murder case and uncovering potential connections between characters is executed well in this scene. It sets up further developments in the plot and introduces new layers of complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as new information is revealed, leading to potential breakthroughs in the investigation. The interactions between characters and the discovery of connections add depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the detective genre by focusing on small-town dynamics and interconnected mysteries. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their interactions contribute to the development of the story. Molly and Vern showcase their investigative skills, while other characters like Lester and Sue Roundtree add intrigue to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 6

There is a slight character change in the scene, particularly in the way Molly and Vern approach the investigation and the potential connections they uncover. The revelation of new information may lead to shifts in their perspectives and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to solve the mystery of the connected cases and potentially catch a criminal. This reflects his desire for justice and his need to prove himself as a competent police chief.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the connection between the two cases and potentially prevent further harm. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his role as a police chief.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, particularly in the interactions between characters like Molly and Vern, as well as the tense exchange between Malvo and Lester. The discovery of potential connections adds to the conflict and suspense.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the potential for conflict and obstacles to arise as the protagonist investigates the connected cases.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters delve deeper into the investigation of a murder case and uncover potential connections that could have far-reaching consequences. The tension and intrigue heighten the sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new information, potential connections, and advancing the investigation of the murder case. It sets the stage for further developments and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected connections between the characters and the potential for a larger conspiracy to be revealed.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in justice and the interconnectedness of events in a small town. It challenges his worldview and forces him to consider the possibility of a larger conspiracy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact, primarily through the revelation of new information and the tense interactions between characters. The audience is likely to feel curiosity, concern, and shock as the investigation unfolds.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and reveals crucial information about the investigation and potential connections between characters. It drives the plot forward and maintains the audience's interest.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the slow reveal of information, the tension between the characters, and the sense of mystery and intrigue.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by slowly building tension and revealing information at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by connecting the investigation of the Hess boy's injury to Lester Nygaard, creating a sense of impending confrontation. This connection heightens the stakes for both Vern and Molly, as they are piecing together a larger puzzle.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, with Vern and Molly's exchange feeling authentic and grounded. Their professional rapport is evident, and the use of radio communication adds a layer of urgency to the scene.
  • Molly's investigative instincts shine through, showcasing her determination and intelligence. However, there could be more emphasis on her emotional investment in the case, which would deepen her character and make her motivations clearer.
  • Vern's character is portrayed as competent and supportive, but he could benefit from a moment of personal reflection or concern about the implications of the case, especially since it involves someone he knows. This would add depth to his character and make the stakes feel more personal.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more visual elements that reflect the tension of the situation. For example, showing Vern's body language as he processes the information could add to the emotional weight of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Molly expresses her concern for the Hess boy, which would highlight her empathy and make her character more relatable.
  • Include a visual cue that indicates Vern's reaction to the news about Lester, such as a close-up of his face or a change in his posture, to emphasize the personal stakes involved.
  • Explore the possibility of Vern hesitating before deciding to visit Lester, which could create a moment of tension and foreshadow the confrontation to come.
  • Incorporate a line or two that hints at Vern's past experiences with Lester, which could add layers to their relationship and increase the tension when Vern decides to confront him.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more dramatic visual or auditory cue, such as the sound of sirens in the distance or a shot of Vern's determined expression as he prepares to visit Lester, to heighten the anticipation for the next scene.



Scene 32 -  Shattered Masculinity
INT. KITCHEN. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MN - NIGHT

Pearl comes home, sees Lester’s coat.

PEARL
Lester?

LESTER NYGAARD (O.S.)
(calling)
In the basement.

CUT TO:
51.


INT. BASEMENT. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

Pearl comes downstairs. Lester has his tool kit out. He’s
trying to fix the washing machine.

PEARL
Whatcha doin’, hon?

LESTER NYGAARD
Trying ta fix the darn thing.
Looks like the motor mount broke.

PEARL
Ya sure ya know what yer doin’?

LESTER NYGAARD
Seems pretty straight forward.

He puts the screwdriver down.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
Okay. Give that a try.

PEARL
But there’s nothing in it.

LESTER NYGAARD
I’m sayin’ just fer a test.

Pearl turns the machine on. Beat. It fills with water, then
the agitator kicks in. A harsh shriek fills the air.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(panicked)
Turn it off.

Pearl tries to turn it off. The shriek worsens. SMOKE
starts to pour out of the back of the washing machine.
Lester finally pulls the plug. The shriek fades slowly, as
the engine cycles down.

They stare at the now dead washing machine.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
Well --

PEARL
You killed it.

LESTER NYGAARD
I, uh --

PEARL
You killed my washing machine.
52.


LESTER NYGAARD
It’s -- I was -- ya know, the tide.
I was standing up to the -- I was
bein’ a man.

PEARL
But yer not a man, Lester. Yer not
even half a man.

Lester stares at her, his nuts cut once again.

PEARL (CONT’D)
Honestly. I don’t know what got
into me, marrying you. My mom
said, don’t do it, Pearl. She
said, he’s the kind of boy who
loses all the time. And you know
what those boys grow up ta be,
don’t ya? Losers.

LESTER

Looks at his tools.

ANGLE ON A CLAW HAMMER

Resting on top of the tool box.

LESTER NYGAARD
Take it back.

PEARL
Or what? What are you gonna do?
Ya can’t even face me when we’re
having sex.

LESTER NYGAARD
What? It’s you not facin’ me.

PEARL
Well, yah. So I can picture a real
man.

LESTER NYGAARD
Now that’s not very nice.

PEARL
Loser.

Lester picks up the claw hammer. He walks towards Pearl.

PEARL (CONT’D)
What are you doon? You gonna hit
me with a hammer? That’s a laugh.
53.


The first blow catches her by surprise. The pain of it, the
blood that runs down her face. The moment hangs there. Then
Lester BEATS HER TO DEATH with the hammer. Each blow is a
release. Eventually, he stops. Stands there panting.
Slowly the red haze lifts. He looks down at his blood
spattered clothes.

LESTER NYGAARD
Aw geez.

He is about to panic, when he looks up.

CLOSE UP ON AN INSPIRATIONAL POSTER

taped to a bare concrete wall. On it a school of yellow fish
all face the same direction, except one. The poster reads
There’s Always One. Be the One.

LESTER

Stares at it. As he does, an idea hits him. A brilliant,
dangerous plan. Could he really do it? As we watch, Lester
strips off his clothes, shoves them in a garbage bag.

Carefully Lester wipes the handle of the claw hammer to
remove his finger prints. Over this we hear:

LESTER NYGAARD (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(pre-lap, distraught)
Ya, it’s me. I -- you need ta -- I
need help.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the basement of the Nygaard house, Pearl confronts Lester about his failed attempt to fix the washing machine, belittling his masculinity. The argument escalates into violence when Lester, overwhelmed by rage, attacks Pearl with a claw hammer, killing her. In the aftermath, he is left in a state of panic as he contemplates how to cover up his crime, surrounded by the chaos of the scene.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective character development
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, intense, and sets up a significant turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a character reaching their breaking point and committing a violent act is executed effectively, setting up future developments in the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a major turn with the violent act committed by the character, leading to potential consequences and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on domestic violence and toxic masculinity, with unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and actions of the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with the protagonist Lester undergoing a significant transformation in this scene.

Character Changes: 9

Lester undergoes a significant character change, transitioning from a passive individual to a potentially dangerous one.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to prove his masculinity and worth to his wife, Pearl. He wants to show that he can fix the washing machine and be a man in her eyes.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to fix the washing machine, but it ultimately leads to a violent confrontation with Pearl.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the violent act committed by Lester, leading to high stakes and tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power dynamics between Lester and Pearl.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the violent act committed by Lester has serious consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major development that will have repercussions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift from domestic conflict to violence, catching the audience off guard.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional gender roles and expectations of masculinity. Pearl challenges Lester's idea of manhood and his ability to fulfill those expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience due to the intense and shocking nature of the events.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to heighten the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the escalating tension and emotional stakes between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic moment of violence and revelation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the escalating conflict between Lester and Pearl, showcasing their strained relationship. The dialogue is sharp and reveals character dynamics, particularly Pearl's belittling of Lester, which drives him to a breaking point. However, the transition from verbal conflict to physical violence feels abrupt. While it serves to highlight Lester's transformation, a more gradual build-up to the violence could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The use of the washing machine as a symbol of Lester's failures and frustrations is a strong visual element. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the moment. Describing the sounds, smells, and the physical sensations of the environment could heighten the tension and make the violence more visceral.
  • The moment of violence is shocking and serves as a pivotal turning point for Lester's character. However, the aftermath of the act could be explored further. Lester's immediate emotional response is crucial, and while he expresses panic, delving deeper into his psychological state could provide a more profound understanding of his transformation.
  • The inspirational poster at the end serves as a darkly ironic commentary on Lester's actions and mindset. However, it could be more effectively integrated into the scene. Perhaps foreshadowing its presence earlier in the scene could create a stronger thematic resonance, linking it to Lester's internal struggle and the choices he makes.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the transition from the argument to the violent act could be smoother. The dialogue leading up to the violence is sharp, but the shift to physical action feels jarring. A moment of hesitation or internal conflict from Lester before he acts could enhance the tension and make the violence feel more earned.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the scene to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the washing machine, the smell of the basement, and the physical sensations Lester experiences as the argument escalates.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Lester before he commits the violent act. This could deepen the emotional impact and make the transition to violence feel more justified.
  • Foreshadow the presence of the inspirational poster earlier in the scene. This could create a stronger thematic connection between Lester's mindset and his actions, enhancing the irony of the moment.
  • Explore Lester's psychological state more thoroughly after the act of violence. Delve into his feelings of panic, guilt, or even a sense of liberation to provide a more nuanced portrayal of his transformation.
  • Consider refining the dialogue to heighten the tension further. Pearl's insults could be more cutting, and Lester's responses could reflect a growing desperation, making the eventual violence feel like a boiling point of accumulated frustration.



Scene 33 -  Desperate Call
INT. KITCHEN. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MIN - NIGHT

Lester, dressed in new clothing, stands with his back to us.
We move towards him as he practices for his phone call.

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, it’s me. I can’t talk long.
She’s -- I did something --
(beat)
Ya, it’s -- there’s been an
accident and I --

Beat. He picks up the phone, dials.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FARMDALE MOTEL. SAINT CLOUD, MN - SAME TIME

Malvo sits on his bed, watching tv. The phone rings, which
is strange, because no one has this number.
54.


MALVO
(answers)
Yes?

LESTER NYGAARD
(worked up)
Ya, it’s me -- Lester -- she’s --
my wife, she’s -- aw hell -- she’s
in the basement, and --

MALVO
How did you get this number?

LESTER NYGAARD
What? I was -- I saw you this
morning on my way ta -- look, I’m
freakin’ out here -- I don’t know
what ta do.

MALVO
Lester, have you been a bad boy?

LESTER NYGAARD
Aw geez. I just -- can you come
over? It’s -- I’m on Willow Creek
Drive. Number six thirteen.

MALVO
(beat, thinking)
Sure, Lester. I’ll be right there.

Lester hangs up. Beat. He thinks about his next step.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense night scene at his home, Lester Nygaard, dressed in new clothes, frantically practices a phone call to Malvo, revealing his urgent need for help regarding his wife, who is in the basement. Malvo, intrigued and calm, questions how Lester got his number before agreeing to assist him, showcasing his manipulative nature. The scene highlights Lester's desperation and internal struggle as he hangs up, left to contemplate his next move while awaiting Malvo's arrival.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Character depth and development
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a crucial turning point in the plot. The dialogue is engaging, and the interaction between Lester and Malvo adds depth to their characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a desperate character reaching out for help to a mysterious figure creates intrigue and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Lester's actions lead to a potential shift in the narrative. The scene sets up a major conflict and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'desperate phone call for help' scenario by adding layers of moral ambiguity and complex character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Lester's desperation and Malvo's enigmatic presence are well portrayed, adding depth to their characters. The scene highlights their contrasting personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Lester undergoes a significant change as he reaches out for help, showcasing his vulnerability and desperation. The scene sets the stage for potential character development and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to seek help and guidance in a moment of crisis, reflecting his deep fear and desperation. He is struggling with guilt and uncertainty, seeking reassurance and support from Malvo.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to get Malvo to come over to his house and help him deal with a situation involving his wife. It reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and his need for assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Lester's internal turmoil and the external threat he faces creates a high level of tension in the scene. The phone call introduces a new layer of conflict that propels the story forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Lester faces challenges in seeking help from Malvo, whose motives and intentions are unclear. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interaction.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as Lester seeks help in a moment of crisis, potentially putting himself in a dangerous situation. The scene sets up a pivotal moment that could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and setting up a crucial moment in the plot. It paves the way for future developments and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected phone call, the morally ambiguous interactions between the characters, and the uncertain outcome of their conversation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the moral ambiguity of Lester's actions and his willingness to seek help from someone with questionable ethics like Malvo. It challenges Lester's values and sense of right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and anxiety to intrigue and anticipation. The characters' emotional states add depth to the narrative and engage the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the urgency of the situation and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful interactions, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional turmoil and the unfolding crisis.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and propels the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and revealing character motivations through dialogue and action.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Lester, in a state of panic, reaches out to Malvo for help. This moment is pivotal as it showcases Lester's desperation and the consequences of his previous actions. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the urgency and emotional weight of the situation.
  • Lester's character is well-established through his frantic speech and the way he struggles to articulate his predicament. The contrast between his nervousness and Malvo's calm demeanor adds to the tension. However, Malvo's response could be more menacing to heighten the stakes, as he is a character who thrives on chaos.
  • The setting transitions smoothly between the Nygaard house and the motel, but the visual description could be more vivid to create a stronger atmosphere. For instance, describing the kitchen's state or the lighting could enhance the mood and reflect Lester's mental state.
  • The use of 'intercut' is effective in maintaining the pacing of the scene, but it could benefit from more visual cues that emphasize the contrast between Lester's frantic energy and Malvo's composed demeanor. This would help the audience feel the tension more acutely.
  • The scene ends with Lester contemplating his next step, which is a strong choice, but it could be more explicit in showing his internal conflict. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could deepen the audience's understanding of his turmoil.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to make it more impactful. For example, Lester could express his panic in fewer words, which would convey urgency and keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance Malvo's dialogue to reflect his sinister nature more clearly. Adding a line that hints at his enjoyment of chaos could elevate the tension and foreshadow future events.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the setting description to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the kitchen's clutter or the oppressive silence that surrounds Lester to reflect his mental state.
  • Use visual contrasts more effectively between Lester and Malvo. For instance, you could describe Lester's frantic movements compared to Malvo's relaxed posture, emphasizing the power dynamic between them.
  • Add a moment of introspection for Lester before he hangs up the phone. This could be a brief flashback or a visual cue that highlights his internal conflict, making the audience more invested in his character's journey.



Scene 34 -  Tension in the Shadows
INT. LIVING ROOM. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MN - NIGHT

Lester pulls a chair over to the armoire. He climbs up,
roots around on top, pulls down a SHOTGUN. He finds some
shells, loads it. Malvo will be here soon and Lester plans
to kill him and frame him for his wife’s murder.

CUT TO:

INT. FRONT HALLWAY. NYGAARD HOUSE - NIGHT

Lester holds the gun in one hand. Practices opening the door
with the other, raising the gun. It’s too clunky. Plus he
needs to lure Malvo inside the house before he shoots him.

LESTER NYGAARD
(practicing)
What did you do? You killed her.
You killed her.
55.


Lester looks around. He decides to hide the shotgun against
the LIVING ROOM WALL, just on the other side of the doorway.

Looking around, Lester loses his nerve a little. But no. He
has a plan. This will work. He sets the shotgun in its
hiding place, looks around. Has he forgotten anything?

THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR

Lester panics, tries to calm down.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
(under his breath)
You killed her. You killed her.

Lester goes to the front door, takes a deep breath, opens it.

VERN THURMAN stands outside.

VERN
Evenin’, Lester.

LESTER NYGAARD
(nervous)
What -- what do ya want?

VERN
Well, I suppose first I’d like ta
come in.

Lester looks behind him.

LESTER NYGAARD
Uh, ya. Well -- it’s just -- now’s
not a good --

VERN
Just take a second.

Vern steps forward and Lester, by instinct, steps back. Now
Vern is in the house. He takes off his gloves and hat.

VERN (CONT’D)
Supposed ta get down to negative
ten tonight, I hear.

Lester is a mass of nerves. Vern steps towards the kitchen.

VERN (CONT’D)
Pearl home?

Lester moves to block him, putting his back to the kitchen
doorway.
56.


LESTER NYGAARD
Uh -- no -- she’s, uh -- at my
brother’s.

VERN
Okay then. How’s the nose?

LESTER NYGAARD
Huh? Oh, hurts.

VERN
How’d that happen anyway?

LESTER NYGAARD
Slipped. Over at the fire station.

VERN
Ouch. Go to the hospital?

LESTER NYGAARD
Ya. They, uh, set it.

VERN
Talk to anyone while you were
there?

LESTER NYGAARD
What do ya mean?

VERN
Well, the reason I’m here -- not
sure if ya heard -- but Sam Hess
got himself killed last night over
at the Lucky Penny. Nasty business.
And, well, I heard you were talkin’
to another fella about Hess before
he died. Over at the hospital.

LESTER NYGAARD
(pale)
No. I don’t think --

VERN
What was his name again? The other
fella?

Lester tries to decide what to say. Then the cuckoo clock
chimes from the living room. 8 o’clock. Lester jumps,
startled.

VERN (CONT’D)
Ya okay there, Lester? Ya seem a
bit jumpy.
57.


LESTER NYGAARD
Ya, I’m, uh -- it’s just Pearl’s
gonna be home soon and --

Looking past Lester, Vern sees the basement door is open. He
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a suspenseful scene set in the Nygaard living room, Lester Nygaard nervously prepares to confront Malvo with a shotgun, rehearsing his lines to frame him for his wife's murder. His plans are interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Vern Thurman, who engages Lester in casual conversation about a recent murder, heightening the tension as Lester struggles to maintain his composure. The scene culminates in a moment of unease when Vern notices the open basement door, hinting at the dark secrets Lester is trying to conceal.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interaction between Lester and Vern, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character planning a murder while trying to maintain a facade of normalcy is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Lester's plan to frame Malvo for his wife's murder is set in motion, leading to a crucial turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a character planning a murder, with a focus on the psychological and moral implications of the protagonist's actions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Lester and Vern are well-developed in this scene, with Lester's nervousness and Vern's investigative nature adding depth to their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Lester undergoes a significant change in this scene as he takes decisive action to carry out his plan, showcasing a darker side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Lester's internal goal is to gain control and power over his life, as he plans to kill Malvo and frame him for his wife's murder. This reflects his deeper desire to assert himself and overcome his insecurities.

External Goal: 7

Lester's external goal is to successfully lure Malvo into the house and execute his plan without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internally within Lester as he grapples with his plan, and externally in his interactions with Vern.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Vern's unexpected arrival creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty for the protagonist. The audience is left wondering how Lester will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Lester's actions have serious consequences, leading to a pivotal moment in the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by setting up a major plot development with Lester's plan to frame Malvo for his wife's murder.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of Vern and the escalating tension between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of Lester's actions and the consequences of his choices. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, as he struggles with the decision to commit murder.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and anxiety to curiosity and anticipation, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and unease between Lester and Vern, adding to the suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the protagonist's internal conflict. The audience is drawn into the tension and uncertainty of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, allowing the audience to feel the protagonist's anxiety and uncertainty.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense through a series of escalating actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Lester prepares to confront Malvo, showcasing his desperation and moral decline. However, the dialogue feels somewhat stilted and could benefit from more naturalistic exchanges that reflect the characters' emotional states.
  • Lester's internal conflict is palpable, but the repetition of phrases like 'You killed her' could be streamlined to avoid redundancy. Instead, consider varying his internal monologue to reflect his escalating panic and guilt more dynamically.
  • The introduction of Vern adds an unexpected twist, heightening the suspense. However, Vern's dialogue could be more probing to create a stronger sense of urgency. His questions about Lester's injury and the murder investigation feel somewhat perfunctory and could delve deeper into the implications of Lester's actions.
  • The physical actions of Lester hiding the shotgun and practicing his lines are effective visual storytelling elements. However, the pacing could be tightened to maintain tension. Consider intercutting between Lester's preparations and Vern's approach to create a more immediate sense of danger.
  • The cuckoo clock's chime serves as a good auditory cue for tension, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details throughout the scene. Describing the atmosphere, such as the cold air or the dim lighting, could further immerse the audience in Lester's fraught mental state.
Suggestions
  • Revise Lester's internal dialogue to include more varied expressions of his anxiety and guilt, avoiding repetitive phrases that may detract from the tension.
  • Enhance Vern's dialogue to include more probing questions that reflect his suspicions and create a stronger sense of urgency in the scene.
  • Consider tightening the pacing by intercutting between Lester's preparations and Vern's arrival, heightening the suspense and sense of impending confrontation.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the atmosphere of the scene, helping to immerse the audience in Lester's emotional turmoil.
  • Explore the use of subtext in the dialogue between Lester and Vern, allowing for a more nuanced exchange that hints at the underlying tension without overtly stating it.



Scene 35 -  Betrayal in the Shadows
notices something on the floor. A BLOODY FOOTPRINT.
Alarmed, Vern DRAWS HIS GUN.

VERN
Lester. Listen to me very
carefully. I need ya to get down
on the ground.

LESTER NYGAARD
No. Wait. Just -- listen to me --
it’s not what it --

VERN
Lester. On the ground. Now.

Gun on Lester, Vern backs into the kitchen.

LESTER NYGAARD
No. Now hold on. Hold on. Don’t -
- there’s nothin’ down there --

Vern glances down the basement stairs.

ANGLE ON PEARL’S FEET

Visible at the bottom of the stairs.

LESTER NYGAARD (CONT’D)
-- That’s not -- I didn’t do
nothin’ -- I just got home. I just
got home and --

CLOSE UP ON VERN

Trying to catch up to events. He keeps the gun on Lester,
reenters the front hall. With his free hand, he keys his
radio handset

VERN
This is Chief Thurman. I’m at six
one three Willow Creek Drive.
Requesting --

A SHOTGUN BLAST catches VERN in the BACK, spins him around.

REVEAL: LORNE MALVO holds LESTER’S SHOTGUN. It’s 8 PM, and
Malvo has come in through the back door. He FIRES AGAIN, the
spray catching Vern in the chest and throat. Vern falls.
58.


MALVO
Any more?

Lester is in shock, white as a sheet.

MALVO (CONT’D)
Lester. Are there any more cops?

Lester shakes his head. Malvo kicks Vern’s gun away, looks
down.

ANGLE ON VERN

Eyes wild, like the deer in the opening. He is mortally
wounded, blood bubbles coming out of his mouth as he
struggles for air.

CLOSE UP ON MALVO

Struck by the synchronicity of this. He studies the dying
man’s eyes.

MALVO (CONT’D)
What did you tell him?

LESTER NYGAARD
Nothing -- I, uh -- he asked about
Sam.

MALVO
You got any more shells for this?

Lester shakes his head. Malvo lays the shotgun on the table.

MALVO (CONT’D)
Where’s the basement?

Lester points. Malvo enters the kitchen, goes down the
stairs.

ANGLE ON LESTER

He pulls two shotgun shells out of his pocket, eyes the
shotgun. How long to grab it and reload?

He reaches out his other hand, then realizes it’s bleeding.
There’s a shotgun pellet buried in the meat of his thumb.
Then Lester becomes aware that his injured hand is now lit by
flashing red and blue lights. Another police car has just
pulled up outside.

CUT TO:
59.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense confrontation, Vern discovers a bloody footprint and confronts Lester, ordering him to the ground. As Vern calls for backup, he is unexpectedly shot in the back by the menacing Lorne Malvo, who then questions Lester about other police presence. Mortally wounded, Vern struggles for breath while Malvo searches for ammunition and heads to the basement. Meanwhile, Lester, realizing he has a shotgun pellet in his thumb, is caught between the chaos as police lights flash outside, leaving his fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Shocking plot twists
  • Intense character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Lack of resolution for some plot threads

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a gripping and intense narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The shocking events and unexpected twists contribute to a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a violent confrontation and the revelation of a dark secret, is executed effectively. The exploration of morality and primal instincts adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a series of escalating events leading to a dramatic climax. The revelation of the bloody footprint and the subsequent violence drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar situation, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions are consistent with their motivations. The tension between Lester, Vern, and Malvo adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Lester undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, moving from a state of panic and denial to a more calculated and ruthless demeanor. The events in the basement reveal a darker side of his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect himself and navigate the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his fear of being caught or harmed.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the encounter with the antagonist and avoid being caught by the police.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with tensions running high between the characters. The violent confrontation and shocking revelations heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and uncertain outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with lives on the line and dark secrets at risk of being exposed. The violent confrontation and shocking revelations raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts and revelations that will have a lasting impact on the narrative. The violent events in the basement set the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden violence and unexpected actions of the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire to protect himself and the antagonist's willingness to use violence to achieve his goals. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting fear, shock, and tension from the audience. The violent events and unexpected twists evoke strong emotions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters. The exchanges between Lester, Vern, and Malvo drive the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, tense dialogue, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the conflict, and keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The tension in this scene is palpable, effectively building on the previous events. Vern's authoritative demeanor contrasts sharply with Lester's panic, creating a compelling dynamic. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the urgency. For instance, Vern's repeated commands could be more varied to reflect his escalating concern and the gravity of the situation.
  • The introduction of Malvo as a sudden threat is well-executed, but the transition from Vern's authoritative stance to Malvo's violent intrusion could benefit from a more gradual build-up. Perhaps a brief moment where Vern senses something amiss before Malvo strikes would heighten the suspense.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the focus on Pearl's feet and Vern's shocked expression. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sounds of the gunshots, the smell of blood, or the atmosphere in the house could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Lester's internal conflict is hinted at through his actions and dialogue, but it could be more explicitly portrayed. His hesitation and the physical pain from the shotgun pellet in his thumb are great details, but exploring his emotional turmoil in this moment could deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the transition from Vern's call for backup to Malvo's attack feels abrupt. A moment of silence or a brief pause could amplify the shock of the gunfire, allowing the audience to fully absorb the gravity of the situation before the chaos ensues.
Suggestions
  • Consider varying Vern's dialogue to reflect his increasing urgency and fear as the situation escalates. This could involve more emotional language or even a moment of doubt as he processes the scene.
  • Introduce a brief moment of foreshadowing before Malvo's attack, such as Vern noticing something off in the atmosphere or hearing a sound that makes him pause, to build suspense.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the house, the smell of gunpowder, or the visual chaos of the scene to draw the audience in.
  • Explore Lester's emotional state more deeply. Consider adding internal monologue or physical reactions that reveal his fear, guilt, or desperation as he faces the consequences of his actions.
  • Enhance the pacing by adding a moment of silence or tension before the gunfire, allowing the audience to brace for the shock of Malvo's violent entrance.



Scene 36 -  Trapped in Chaos
INT. MOLLY’S SQUAD CAR - SAME TIME

Pulling up to Nygaard’s house, Molly sees Vern’s prowler.
She CLIMBS OUT of the car, approaches the door.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - SAME
TIME

Lester hurries over to the basement door.

LESTER NYGAARD
They’re here. The police.

No response. Lester starts down the stairs into ...

THE BASEMENT

LESTER NYGAARD
I said the police are here. What
do we ...

But Malvo is gone. Vanished like a ghost. Pearl lays alone
on the floor, a bloody mess. The hammer next to her.

Off Lester: trapped.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Molly arrives at Nygaard's house, noticing Vern's prowler outside, while inside, Lester Nygaard panics as he realizes the police have come. He rushes to the basement, only to find Malvo has vanished, leaving behind a bloody scene with Pearl and a hammer. Feeling isolated and desperate, Lester is confronted with the violent aftermath of Malvo's actions as the police close in, leaving him trapped in a precarious situation.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Revelation of dark secrets
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Sudden disappearance of Malvo
  • Limited resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, delivers a shocking revelation, and sets the stage for further dramatic developments. The emotional impact and high stakes keep the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a hidden murder in the basement, coupled with the sudden disappearance of a key character, adds intrigue and mystery to the scene. The revelation of dark secrets and the manipulation of events contribute to the overall tension.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of the murder in the basement, leading to a confrontation between characters and setting the stage for further conflict and resolution. The scene is pivotal in driving the narrative forward and revealing key aspects of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime genre by focusing on the protagonist's internal conflict and philosophical dilemma. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters display a range of emotions, from fear and confusion to guilt and manipulation. Their interactions and reactions to the unfolding events add depth and complexity to the scene, enhancing the overall drama and tension.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, from Lester's descent into violence and manipulation to Malvo's ruthless actions and Molly's determination to uncover the truth. These character arcs drive the plot forward and set the stage for further developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront the criminal and protect the innocent. This reflects her deeper desire for justice and safety in her community.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the criminal and solve the crime. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining law and order in the town.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' emotional turmoil to the revelation of a murder and the ensuing confrontation. The escalating tension and high stakes create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the criminal's disappearance creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the protagonist. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the discovery of a brutal murder, the confrontation between characters, and the escalating tension leading to a sense of danger and urgency. The characters' lives and relationships are at risk, adding depth and intensity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information, escalating conflicts, and setting the stage for further dramatic developments. The revelation of the murder in the basement and the characters' reactions propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden disappearance of the criminal and the shocking discovery of the victim. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome and eager to see how the protagonist will respond.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in justice and the criminal's disregard for human life. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and shock to guilt and sadness. The characters' emotional turmoil and the shocking revelation of the murder in the basement add depth and intensity to the narrative, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It drives the plot forward and reveals key information about the characters' relationships and hidden agendas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, compelling dialogue, and the high stakes involved. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of suspense and a climactic reveal. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Molly's arrival with Lester's frantic state. However, the transition between the two locations could be smoother. The abrupt cut from Molly's squad car to the Nygaard house feels disjointed and could benefit from a more gradual transition that maintains the suspense.
  • Lester's dialogue is minimal, which works to convey his panic, but it might be more impactful if he expressed a bit more desperation or fear. Adding a line or two that reflects his internal turmoil could deepen the audience's connection to his character at this critical moment.
  • The visual imagery of Pearl's body and the hammer is striking, but the scene could enhance the emotional weight by including Lester's reaction to the sight. A brief moment of shock or horror could provide insight into his mental state and the gravity of his actions.
  • The phrase 'trapped' at the end feels somewhat vague. It could be more powerful if it were tied to a specific thought or realization from Lester, emphasizing his sense of entrapment both physically and morally. This would add depth to his character's predicament.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective in creating urgency, but it might benefit from a brief moment of silence or stillness before the reveal of Pearl's body. This could heighten the impact of the discovery and allow the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of internal monologue or a brief flashback that reflects Lester's thoughts as he approaches the basement. This could provide context for his emotional state and heighten the tension.
  • Incorporate a moment where Molly hesitates or senses something is off as she approaches the Nygaard house. This could foreshadow the danger inside and create a stronger connection between her and Lester's fates.
  • Enhance the visual description of the basement scene to emphasize the contrast between the chaos of the murder and the stillness of the house. This could involve more sensory details, such as the smell of blood or the eerie silence that follows the violence.
  • Consider using sound design to amplify the tension. For example, the distant sound of police radios or the muffled voices of officers outside could create a sense of urgency and impending doom for Lester.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a brief moment where Lester interacts with the hammer or the scene around him, which could serve as a physical representation of his guilt and the weight of his actions.



Scene 37 -  A Tense Discovery
EXT. NYGAARD HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MINNESOTA - SAME TIME

Molly pounds on the door.

MOLLY
Saint Cloud Police. Open up.

Nothing. She looks in the nearest window, sees Vern laying
dead on the hall floor.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
(upset)
Oh. Oh.

She keys her handset.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Officer -- officer down! Send help.

She pulls her weapon, starts kicking the front door.

CUT TO:
60.


INT. BASEMENT. NYGAARD HOUSE - SAME TIME

Nygaard hears the front door CRASH OPEN upstairs. He is
trapped. He looks around. No exit. Can he hide? No. They’ll
find him. Then his eyes hit the inspirational poster on the
wall. There’s only one way out. Lester, knowing he will be
found at any moment, RUNS towards the wall, his head down.
Crack. He knocks himself out.

CUT TO:

INT. FRONT HALLWAY. NYGAARD HOUSE - SAME TIME

Molly kneels next to Vern, checks his pulse. But her mentor
and friend is dead. Struggling to stay professional, she
straightens, her gun up.

MOLLY
Saint Cloud Police! If there’s
someone in the house, come out with
yer hands up.

Nothing. Cautiously, Molly goes room to room, searching. We
know Malvo could still be in the house. Each blind corner
and dark space offers certain death. We can tell Molly is
afraid, out of her league, but she keeps her wits.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Molly, a police officer, arrives at the Nygaard house to find Vern dead on the floor, prompting her to call for backup and search for potential threats. Meanwhile, Lester Nygaard, trapped in the basement, panics and injures himself while trying to hide. The scene is filled with tension as Molly navigates the house, grappling with the emotional weight of Vern's death and the looming danger.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability
  • Slightly cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a deadly confrontation, unexpected twists, and the revelation of hidden motives adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a series of dramatic events, escalating the tension and leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a police officer responding to a crime scene but adds a fresh twist with the unexpected turn of events and the protagonist's internal struggle.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and reactions drive the scene, showcasing their motivations, fears, and conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in their beliefs, actions, and relationships during the scene, leading to character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal is to maintain her professionalism and composure in the face of a challenging and dangerous situation. This reflects her deeper need for validation and respect as a law enforcement officer.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to apprehend any suspects in the house and ensure the safety of herself and her colleagues. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potential threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a dangerous situation and a potential threat that keeps the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-or-death situations and moral dilemmas that will have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts, introducing new challenges, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Lester knocking himself out in a desperate attempt to escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between law and order versus chaos and criminality. Molly represents the side of law enforcement and justice, while the potential suspect in the house represents the side of criminality and danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, sadness, and shock, enhancing the dramatic impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, impactful, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the protagonist's compelling struggle to maintain control in a dangerous situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and suspenseful, with a sense of urgency and tension that drives the action forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful crime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Molly's urgent search for the suspect with Lester's desperate situation in the basement. This parallel structure heightens the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.
  • Molly's emotional response to Vern's death is well-portrayed, showcasing her vulnerability while maintaining her professionalism. This adds depth to her character and makes her more relatable.
  • Lester's frantic attempt to escape by running into the wall is a strong visual moment that emphasizes his desperation and the absurdity of his situation. However, it could benefit from a clearer emotional motivation—what exactly is driving him to this extreme action?
  • The use of sound and silence is effective in creating suspense. The absence of response from Lester when Molly calls out adds to the tension, but it might be more impactful if there were brief moments of sound from the basement, such as Lester's heavy breathing or the sound of him moving, to remind the audience of his presence.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition between Molly's search and Lester's actions could be smoother. The abrupt cuts might disorient the audience slightly; a more gradual transition could enhance the flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Lester as he contemplates his next move. This could provide insight into his mental state and heighten the audience's empathy for his plight.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in Molly's search—describe the sounds of her footsteps, the creaking of the house, or the smell of blood. This would immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • Explore the possibility of having Molly find a clue or piece of evidence that hints at Lester's involvement, raising the stakes and creating a sense of urgency in her search.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of Vern's death by including a flashback or a brief memory that Molly has of him, which could deepen her sense of loss and motivate her actions in the moment.
  • Consider extending the moment where Molly searches the house to build more suspense. Allow the audience to feel the tension of each room she enters, perhaps with close-ups on her expressions or the shadows in the corners.



Scene 38 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. BASEMENT. NYGAARD HOUSE - NIGHT

Slowly, Molly comes down the stairs, gun drawn. She sees
Pearl and Lester, laying face down. The basement looks like
the scene of a massacre. From upstairs she hears ...

BILL (O.S.)
Molly?

MOLLY
Down here!

Molly assesses the situation. Pearl is clearly dead. Molly
holsters her weapon, kneels next to Lester, takes his pulse.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Husband’s alive!

She looks up. There on the poster she sees A BLOODY HUMAN
FACE PRINT with what appears to be a HALO over it.

There’s always one. Be the one.
61.


Off Molly: what does it mean?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the dark basement of the Nygaard house, Molly bravely investigates a grim scene where she discovers the bodies of Pearl, who is deceased, and an unconscious Lester. As she checks on Lester, a bloody face print on a poster adds to the tension and mystery of the situation. With Bill's voice echoing from upstairs, Molly grapples with fear and uncertainty, contemplating the violent aftermath she has uncovered.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating suspense
  • Evoking fear and shock
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the discovery of the gruesome basement scene, keeping the audience on edge with its dark and suspenseful tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering a shocking and mysterious scene in the basement adds depth to the storyline and enhances the overall suspense of the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Molly discovers the disturbing scene in the basement, leading to further investigation and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a crime scene investigation, blending elements of violence and spirituality in a unique way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Molly and Lester, are crucial in conveying the fear and tension of the scene, with their reactions and actions driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Molly experiences a shift in her emotional state as she uncovers the gruesome scene, adding depth to her character and driving her actions in the subsequent investigation.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal in this scene is to assess the situation and determine the extent of the danger she and Lester are in. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her desire to protect her loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal in this scene is to figure out the meaning behind the bloody human face print with a halo over it. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in understanding the mysterious circumstances of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high as Molly confronts the gruesome scene in the basement, raising the stakes for the characters and driving the tension of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the mysterious image and the potential danger it represents creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict for Molly.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident as Molly discovers the gruesome scene in the basement, raising the danger and urgency for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing a crucial piece of information in the investigation, setting the stage for further developments and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the bloody human face print with a halo over it, adding a layer of mystery and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of violence and spirituality, as symbolized by the bloody human face print with a halo over it. This challenges Molly's beliefs and values, forcing her to question the meaning behind the image.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, shock, and terror in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact through the discovery of the disturbing basement scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, focusing more on the visual and emotional aspects of the discovery in the basement.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing mystery, and compelling character interactions that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear and concise descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and suspense through the progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Molly in a precarious situation where she must navigate a potentially dangerous environment while dealing with the aftermath of violence. The contrast between her professionalism and the chaos around her heightens the stakes.
  • The discovery of Pearl's body and the state of the basement serve as powerful visual storytelling elements, conveying the horror of the situation without needing excessive exposition. However, the description of the basement as 'the scene of a massacre' could be more specific to enhance the imagery and emotional impact.
  • Molly's reaction to finding Lester alive is a pivotal moment, but the transition from her initial assessment to her realization that he is alive feels abrupt. A brief moment of internal conflict or a more detailed reaction could deepen the emotional weight of this discovery.
  • The bloody human face print with a halo is a striking visual that adds an eerie layer to the scene. However, the line 'There’s always one. Be the one.' feels somewhat vague and could benefit from clarification or a stronger connection to Molly's character or the overall theme of the story.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in creating a tense atmosphere, but adding a few more lines of internal monologue or subtle reactions from Molly could enhance her character development and provide insight into her emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Consider providing more specific details about the basement's condition to paint a clearer picture of the horror Molly is encountering. For example, describe the blood spatter patterns or the disarray of the surroundings.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or fear for Molly as she processes the scene before checking Lester's pulse. This could heighten the tension and make her eventual relief more impactful.
  • Clarify the meaning of the bloody face print and the halo. Perhaps include a line of dialogue or internal thought from Molly that connects this image to her understanding of the case or her own fears.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a brief flashback or memory that connects Molly to the scene, enhancing her emotional response and making her discovery of Lester more personal.
  • Consider revising the final line to make it more poignant or relevant to Molly's character arc. This could involve a reflection on her role as a police officer or a deeper commentary on the violence she has witnessed.



Scene 39 -  Duty and Connection
EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY. RURAL, MINNESOTA - NIGHT

A state police car is parked on the blind side of an
overpass. Nearby a sign reads Duluth 10 miles.

CUT TO:

INT. STATE POLICE CAR - NIGHT

Patrolman GUS GRIMLY (30s) sits behind the wheel, sipping a
cup of coffee. His walkie talkie crackles.

KURT GRIMLY (O.S.)
Dad. Come in, dad. Over.

Gus picks up the walkie talkie.

GUS GRIMLY
Dad here. Come back.

KURT GRIMLY
Vikings up by thirteen. Over.

GUS GRIMLY
What happened? Over.

KURT GRIMLY
Walsh kicked another field gold.
Over.

GUS GRIMLY
Sweet. Did you brush your teeth?
Over.

KURT GRIMLY
Yes. Over.

GUS GRIMLY
Homework? Over.

KURT GRIMLY
Did my math and science. Still
have to do English. Over.

GUS GRIMLY
Okay, well. As soon as the game’s
over. Over.

A CAR SPEEDS PAST.
62.


Gus hits his siren, pulls out onto the road. We stay with
him as he follows the speeding car, it’s tail lights visible
through the front windshield.

The car in front of him pulls over. Gus pulls in behind it.
Beat. He writes down the license plate number, notes the
time. Then climbs out of the car.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary On a quiet rural highway in Minnesota, Patrolman Gus Grimly balances his responsibilities as a police officer and a father while conversing with his son, Kurt, over a walkie talkie. Their light-hearted discussion about a Vikings game and Kurt's homework reveals their close bond. However, the scene takes a turn when Gus spots a speeding car, activating his siren and preparing to pull the driver over, highlighting the tension between his duties and his concern for his son's well-being.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Mysterious setup
  • Introduction of new character
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Emotional depth could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a tense and mysterious atmosphere while introducing a new character and setting up a potential conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a police officer encountering a suspicious vehicle on a rural highway at night is intriguing and sets the stage for potential conflict and suspense.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward by introducing a new character and setting up a potential conflict, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the police procedural genre by focusing on the personal life of the protagonist and blending it with his professional duties. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Patrolman Gus Grimly is introduced as a relatable character with a caring side, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is no significant character change in this scene, as it primarily serves to introduce a new character and set up future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Gus's internal goal in this scene is to balance his duties as a police officer with his role as a father. This reflects his deeper need for connection with his son and his fear of not being able to be present in his son's life.

External Goal: 7

Gus's external goal in this scene is to pull over the speeding car and enforce the law. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining order on the highway.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtly hinted at with the encounter between Gus and the suspicious vehicle, setting up tension for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, as Gus faces the challenge of enforcing the law while balancing his personal responsibilities.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Gus encounters a suspicious vehicle on a rural highway at night, hinting at potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new character and setting up a potential conflict, adding layers to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Gus's encounter with the speeding car is uncertain. The audience is left wondering how Gus will handle the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Gus's duty as a police officer to uphold the law and his duty as a father to be present for his son. This challenges Gus's beliefs about the importance of family and work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of fear and anxiety, but could delve deeper into emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue between Gus and his son is natural and adds a touch of humanity to the tense situation, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it balances the tension of a police encounter with the personal dynamics between Gus and his son. The dialogue is realistic and draws the audience into Gus's world.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension as Gus follows the speeding car. The dialogue adds rhythm and depth to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of normalcy and routine through the father-son interaction between Gus and Kurt, which contrasts sharply with the tension and violence that has preceded it. This juxtaposition can heighten the impact of the impending conflict.
  • The dialogue between Gus and Kurt is light-hearted and relatable, showcasing their bond. However, it may benefit from a bit more subtext or tension, especially considering the violent events that have just unfolded. Adding a hint of unease or foreshadowing could enhance the scene's emotional depth.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the father-son conversation to the traffic stop could be more dynamic. The sudden shift from a personal moment to a professional one feels a bit abrupt. A brief moment of Gus reflecting on the recent events or expressing concern for his safety could create a smoother transition.
  • The visual description of the setting is minimal. Expanding on the rural highway's atmosphere—perhaps mentioning the weather or the time of night—could enhance the scene's mood and provide a stronger sense of place.
  • The action of Gus pulling over the speeding car is straightforward, but it lacks a sense of urgency or tension. Given the context of the previous scenes, there could be a more palpable sense of danger or foreboding as he approaches the vehicle.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that hints at Gus's awareness of the recent violence or his concern for his family's safety, which would create a stronger connection to the preceding scenes.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the setting, such as the cold air, the sound of the wind, or the isolation of the highway, to enhance the atmosphere and tension.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or doubt for Gus as he prepares to approach the car, reflecting on the unpredictability of the situation. This could build suspense and make the audience more invested in his safety.
  • Explore the possibility of a visual cue that foreshadows the danger ahead, such as a shadowy figure in the distance or an ominous sound, to create a sense of impending conflict.
  • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a moment of tension, such as Gus noticing something unusual about the car or its occupants, to keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 40 -  The Encounter on the Highway
EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY. RURAL MINNESOTA - CONTINUOUS

Gus approaches the driver’s side, flashlight out. The inside
of the car is dark, ominous. We can’t see the driver.

Then the driver’s side window rolls down. Now we see the
driver is Lorne Malvo.

MALVO
Evening, officer.

GUS GRIMLY
License and registration please.

MALVO
Well, we could do it that way. You
ask me for my papers and I tell you
it’s not my car. That I borrowed
it. And see where things go from
there. We could do that. Or, you
could just get back in your car and
drive away.

GUS GRIMLY
Why would I do that?

MALVO
Because some roads you shouldn’t go
down. Because maps used to say
there be dragons here. And now
they don’t. But that don’t mean
the dragons aren’t there.

From the prowler, we hear Kurt’s walkie talkie.

KURT GRIMLY (O.S.)
Dad. Come in, dad. Over.

GUS GRIMLY
Step out of the car, please.

MALVO
How old is your son?

Gus puts his hand on his revolver.
63.


GUS GRIMLY
I said step out of the car.

KURT GRIMLY (O.S.)
Dad. Come in, dad. Over.

MALVO
Let me tell you what’s going to
happen, Officer Grimly. I’m gonna
roll up my window. And then I’m
gonna drive away. And you’re gonna
go home to your son. And every few
years you’re gonna look at his face
and know that you’re alive because
you chose not to go down a certain
road on a certain night. Because
you chose to walk into the light,
instead of into darkness. Do you
understand?

GUS GRIMLY
Sir.

MALVO
I’m rolling up my window.

The window rolls up. Gus stands there, knowing he should
pull his gun. That he should order Malvo out of the car, but
something stops him. The feeling the rabbit gets in the
presence of the wolf.

So he stands there as Malvo’s car pulls away.

KURT GRIMLY (O.S.)
Dad. Come in, dad. Over.

Gus walks back to the car, climbs in, closes the door. Beat.
He picks up the walkie talkie.

GUS GRIMLY
Dad here. Over.

KURT GRIMLY
Detroit just got a touchdown. Over.
(beat)
Dad? Are you there? Over.

Beat. Gus sits, shaken.

GUS GRIMLY
I hear ya. We’ll get ‘em in the
fourth. And hey, don’t forget ta do
yer English homework, okay? I love
you.
64.


A long silence.

KURT GRIMLY
Ya didn’t say over. Over.

GUS GRIMLY
(smiles)
Over and out.

Beat. Gus sits in his warm car, while outside the
temperature drops. Then he picks up his note pad, examines
Malvo’s license plate number.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary On a rural Minnesota highway at night, police officer Gus Grimly confronts the mysterious Lorne Malvo, who manipulates the situation with cryptic warnings, instilling fear in Gus. Despite his authority, Gus ultimately allows Malvo to leave, shaken by the encounter. The tension is further highlighted as Gus tries to maintain normalcy by communicating with his son, Kurt, over a walkie-talkie, contrasting the foreboding atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Mystery
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces a compelling philosophical dialogue, and sets up a sense of danger and mystery, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of facing moral choices, the presence of danger, and the exploration of consequences are well-executed, adding depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of a new conflict and the escalation of tension between the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its approach to a tense confrontation between two characters, exploring themes of morality and choice in a unique and compelling way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Gus Grimly facing a moral dilemma and Lorne Malvo exuding a sense of danger and mystery, adding complexity to their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Gus Grimly experiences a moment of moral dilemma and inner conflict, hinting at potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Gus's internal goal in this scene is to make a decision that will ensure his safety and the safety of his son. This reflects his deeper need for protection and security.

External Goal: 7

Gus's external goal is to handle the situation with Lorne Malvo and maintain control over the encounter. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with a potentially dangerous individual.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Gus and Malvo is palpable, with a sense of danger and moral ambiguity adding layers to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and beliefs driving the conflict between Gus and Lorne Malvo. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the suspense and tension of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Gus faces a dangerous and mysterious character, leading to a moment of moral reckoning and potential consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict, deepening character dynamics, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected choices and actions taken by the characters, as well as the moral ambiguity and ethical dilemmas presented. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Gus's sense of duty as a police officer and his instinct for self-preservation. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and mystery, engaging the audience emotionally and setting a dark tone for future developments.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and thought-provoking, enhancing the tension and philosophical undertones of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the moral and philosophical dilemmas faced by the characters. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in and create a sense of anticipation and uncertainty.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as conveying the emotional and psychological depth of the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the internal and external conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the dialogue between Gus and Malvo, showcasing Malvo's manipulative nature and Gus's internal conflict. However, the stakes could be heightened further by providing more context about Gus's current situation or emotional state, which would deepen the audience's investment in his choices.
  • Malvo's dialogue is intriguing and cryptic, but it risks becoming overly philosophical without clear stakes. While the metaphor of 'dragons' is compelling, it could benefit from a more direct connection to the immediate situation to maintain clarity and urgency.
  • The use of the walkie-talkie adds a layer of tension, but it could be more effectively integrated into the scene. For instance, having Kurt's voice interrupt at a critical moment could amplify the stakes for Gus, forcing him to choose between his duty and his concern for his son.
  • The visual contrast between the dark interior of Malvo's car and the outside world is effective, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the cold air, the sounds of the night, or the feeling of isolation could immerse the audience further into the moment.
  • Gus's hesitation to act against Malvo is a strong character moment, but it could be more explicitly tied to his relationship with Kurt. Exploring Gus's thoughts or memories of his son during this encounter could add emotional weight and clarify his motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or internal monologue for Gus that reflects on his relationship with Kurt, which could heighten the emotional stakes of the encounter with Malvo.
  • Revise Malvo's dialogue to include a more direct threat or implication that ties back to the immediate situation, making it clear why Gus should be concerned about letting him go.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere, such as the biting cold, the sound of the wind, or the tension in the air, to enhance the scene's mood.
  • Use Kurt's walkie-talkie interruptions to create a moment of urgency, perhaps having him call out just as Malvo is about to drive away, forcing Gus to make a split-second decision.
  • Explore Gus's physical reactions to Malvo's presence more deeply, such as his heartbeat, sweating, or other signs of anxiety, to convey his internal struggle more vividly.



Scene 41 -  Aftermath of Loss
EXT. LESTER’S HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MN - NIGHT

It’s really snowing now. Every police car in town is there,
along with fire trucks and an ambulance. Patrolmen go in and
out of the house. Molly sits on a planter by the front door,
in shock.

Inside the lobby we can see Vern’s body covered with a
blanket. After a moment, Molly gets to her feet and walks
down the driveway.

She passes Vern’s prowler. Something inside catches her eye.

ANGLE ON TWO CANS OF HOUSE PAINT

In the back seat.

MOLLY

Stands looking in at them, and all they represent.

CUT TO:

EXT. VERN’S HOUSE. SAINT CLOUD, MN - NIGHT

Molly’s car pulls up. She gets out, grabs the paint cans,
starts for the house. There are responsibilities she will
take on now, unspoken promises that must be kept.

The front door opens. Ida comes out. She knows from Molly’s
face that the worst has happened.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM. ST. CLOUD, MN - DAY

Lester is in bed, unconscious. His head is bandaged. He
looks terrible. Outside, snow falls. He wakes up.
65.


Gets his bearings. He is in the hospital. Not dead. Better
still, he is not handcuffed to the bed. There are no cops.

Could it be? Could he have gotten away with it? He lifts
his right hand to get some water, sees the BANDAGE.

He examines the spot where the shotgun pellet caught him. On
his face is a hint of uncertainty.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a somber scene marked by heavy snowfall, Molly grapples with the shock of Vern's death and takes on new responsibilities, symbolized by her retrieval of paint cans from Vern's car. Meanwhile, Lester awakens in a hospital, bandaged and disoriented, confronting the uncertainty of his fate after surviving a traumatic event. The emotional weight of the moment is conveyed through the characters' actions and expressions, highlighting the gravity of loss and the burden of unspoken promises.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension
  • Character development
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional aftermath of the violent events that have transpired, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere. It sets up future plot developments while providing insight into the characters' emotional states.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a violent incident and its impact on the characters is well-executed. It adds depth to the story and sets the stage for further exploration of the characters' motivations and actions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters deal with the aftermath of the violent events, leading to new revelations and developments. The scene sets up future conflicts and resolutions while maintaining a high level of tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the aftermath of a crime, focusing on the emotional and moral consequences faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the events showcase their emotional depth and internal struggles. The scene provides insight into their motivations and sets the stage for potential character growth and transformation.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and internal struggles in the scene, hinting at potential changes and growth in their arcs. The events of the scene have a profound impact on their motivations and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the shock and grief of Vern's death. It reflects her deeper need for closure and understanding of the situation.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to take on the responsibilities and unspoken promises left behind by Vern's death. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is facing in dealing with the aftermath.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts as the characters grapple with the aftermath of violent events. Tension is high, and the stakes are raised, leading to a sense of unease and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external challenges that drive the conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with the aftermath of violent events and face potential consequences for their actions. The tension is palpable, and the outcome is uncertain, adding to the sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up new conflicts and revelations, paving the way for future developments. It adds depth to the narrative and maintains the audience's interest in the unfolding events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the uncertainty surrounding the characters' fates and the moral dilemmas they face.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the consequences of actions and the uncertainty of getting away with a crime. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about morality and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience as the characters deal with the aftermath of violence and betrayal. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' reactions and the tense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and internal conflicts, adding depth to their interactions. It sets the tone for the scene and hints at future developments in the story.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity and the characters' internal struggles, drawing the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, enhancing the impact of the characters' actions and decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and flow of the narrative.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through its pacing and narrative progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of shock and gravity through Molly's reaction to Vern's death and the chaotic environment outside Lester's house. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by delving deeper into Molly's internal conflict and feelings of responsibility, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or flashback that highlights her connection to Vern and the stakes of the situation.
  • The transition between the exterior scene with Molly and the interior hospital scene with Lester is somewhat abrupt. While the use of 'CUT TO' is standard, a smoother transition could help maintain the emotional flow. Consider adding a brief moment that connects the two scenes, such as a visual motif (like the snow) or a line of dialogue that echoes between them.
  • The visual imagery of the snow and the police presence is strong, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the snow crunching underfoot, the distant sirens, or the cold air could immerse the audience further into the atmosphere.
  • Lester's awakening in the hospital is a pivotal moment, but it feels somewhat detached. Adding more sensory details about his surroundings or his physical sensations could ground the audience in his experience. For instance, describing the sterile smell of the hospital or the beeping of machines could enhance the realism of the moment.
  • The hint of uncertainty on Lester's face is intriguing, but it could be more pronounced. Expanding on his internal thoughts or fears about the consequences of his actions would add depth to his character and create a stronger connection with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating a brief internal monologue for Molly as she processes Vern's death, which could provide insight into her emotional state and the weight of her responsibilities.
  • Create a smoother transition between the scenes by using a visual or thematic element that connects Molly's shock with Lester's awakening, reinforcing the narrative thread.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience, focusing on sounds, smells, and tactile sensations.
  • Deepen Lester's awakening moment by adding more sensory descriptions of the hospital environment and his physical state, allowing the audience to feel his disorientation and fear.
  • Expand on Lester's internal conflict by exploring his thoughts and feelings about his actions and the potential consequences, which would add complexity to his character and engage the audience more effectively.



Scene 42 -  A Fork in the Road
EXT. ICE. SAINT CLOUD, MN - DAY

Molly’s dad, Lou, unpacks fishing gear from the back of his
Suburban. Molly, in civilian clothes, sits on the tailgate,
looking out at the snow. Her prowler is parked nearby.

LOU
I got two kinds of sandwiches.
Tuna and turkey.
(beat, off her)
Tuna’s for the fish. Unless ya
think they’d think that’s
cannibalism.

Molly doesn’t answer. Lou offloads a cooler.

LOU (CONT’D)
Nice service yesterday, I thought.
Simple.

Beat. Molly is lost in thought.

LOU (CONT’D)
Ya know, I been looking for some
more help at the restaurant.
Someone to seat customers. Answer
the phones.

MOLLY
(absently)
A hostess.

LOU
That what they call it? Anyway,
not sure if that was somethin’ you
might be interested in.

MOLLY
(this gets a look)
I’m a police officer, dad.
66.


LOU
Well, sure. I know that. I also
know that people in this world are
less inclined to shoot a hostess,
than, say, an officer of the law.

MOLLY
(beat)
That’s true.

He kicks snow off his boots.

LOU
So, does that mean you’re gonna
help yer old man out?

MOLLY
No. But maybe you could put that
in the ad.

Molly jumps down from the tailgate.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
On second thought, I’m gonna head
in ta work. Coroner’s report should
be in. Rain check on the fishin’?

He nods. She kisses his cheek.

MOLLY (CONT’D)
Love ya, dad.

LOU
Love ya too, hon.

Molly walks to her cruiser. Her father watches as we ...

FADE TO WHITE:


END OF PILOT
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a snowy setting in Saint Cloud, MN, Molly sits on the tailgate of their vehicle, lost in thought while her father, Lou, unpacks fishing gear. Lou attempts to engage her with light-hearted conversation about sandwiches and a job at his restaurant, but Molly, asserting her identity as a police officer, declines the offer. Despite the bittersweet tension between her career ambitions and her father's wishes, they share a moment of affection before she leaves for work, highlighting their loving relationship amidst the emotional distance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character relationships
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delves into the emotional and reflective aspects of the characters, providing insight into their personal lives and relationships. The dialogue and interactions are engaging, creating a strong connection with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family bonds and the juxtaposition of different career paths are well-executed, adding depth to the characters and their interactions. The scene effectively explores themes of love, understanding, and personal choices.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the focus on character dynamics and emotional depth adds richness to the overall story. The scene sets up potential future conflicts and resolutions, hinting at deeper narrative developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the family drama genre by incorporating elements of law enforcement and restaurant management.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, with distinct personalities and motivations. The scene highlights the emotional complexity of the relationships between the characters, adding layers to their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional depth and reflection hint at potential growth and development for the characters in future episodes. The scene sets the stage for personal transformations and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

Molly's internal goal is to assert her identity as a police officer and maintain her independence from her father's offer to work at the family restaurant.

External Goal: 7

Molly's external goal is to go to work and check the coroner's report, showing her dedication to her job.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a subtle conflict between the characters' different career paths and priorities, the scene primarily focuses on emotional depth and reflection rather than intense conflict. The tension is more internal and reflective.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Molly must navigate conflicting desires and expectations.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and emotional depth rather than high-intensity conflicts or life-threatening situations. The emphasis is on character dynamics and reflection.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but provides essential character development and emotional depth. It sets up potential future conflicts and resolutions, laying the groundwork for upcoming narrative developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected tension between Molly and her father.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between family loyalty and personal ambition. Molly must balance her duty as a daughter with her career aspirations as a police officer.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' personal lives and relationships. The poignant moments and heartfelt interactions evoke a strong emotional response, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, reflecting the characters' emotions and relationships effectively. It provides insight into their thoughts and feelings, enhancing the scene's depth and impact.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional conflict between the characters and the realistic dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a satisfying conclusion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with clear character motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of quiet reflection between Molly and her father, Lou, which contrasts sharply with the chaos and violence of previous scenes. This juxtaposition allows the audience to breathe and process the events that have transpired, highlighting the emotional toll on Molly.
  • Lou's dialogue is relatable and adds a touch of humor, particularly with his comments about the sandwiches and the idea of cannibalism. However, the humor feels slightly out of place given the recent traumatic events, which may detract from the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the somber tone could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Molly's responses are minimal and reflect her internal struggle, but they could be more expressive to convey her emotional state more clearly. The audience may benefit from a deeper insight into her thoughts and feelings, especially after the traumatic events she has experienced.
  • The visual imagery of the snowy landscape and the fishing gear creates a serene setting, but it may also feel disconnected from the previous scenes' intensity. This contrast can work well, but it should be reinforced with Molly's emotional state to ensure the audience understands her mindset.
  • The ending, with Molly deciding to go to work instead of fishing, is a strong choice that emphasizes her commitment to her role as a police officer. However, it could be enhanced by showing a more explicit connection between her father's offer and her decision, perhaps through a brief flashback or a more poignant line that ties her past and present together.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that reflects Molly's emotional state more explicitly, perhaps by having her express a specific thought or memory related to the recent events, which would deepen the audience's understanding of her character.
  • To maintain the scene's emotional weight, consider toning down the humor in Lou's dialogue or ensuring it serves a purpose in highlighting the contrast between their lives and the recent violence.
  • Incorporate a visual element that symbolizes Molly's internal conflict, such as a lingering shot of the snowy landscape or a close-up of her face, to emphasize her emotional turmoil as she prepares to return to work.
  • Explore the possibility of a brief flashback or a more poignant line that connects Molly's decision to her father's offer, reinforcing the theme of familial expectations versus personal duty.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for a more gradual transition from the light-hearted banter to Molly's serious decision, which could enhance the emotional resonance of her choice.