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Scene 1 -  Baby's Getaway Drive
1 EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING 1

A strip mall in the San Fernando Valley.

A front wheel of a car pulls slowly into view.

A curb reads ‘Short Stay. 5 Mins Only.’


2 INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS 2

Play is pressed on an iPod Classic. A rock track starts up.




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It’s very loud. It’s awesome.

‘Bellbottoms’ by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion.




-C
On high strings and a guitar stab we see the driver.

Young, baby faced. Short cropped hair. He wears mostly black.
Sports cheap gas station shades. This is BABY.

We can’t see his eyes, but his blank expression seems pretty
att
stoic. He listens to the track, stares out the windshield.

On a 2nd guitar stab we see a beefy (30s) tough guy in shotgun.
This is GRIFF. He too wears shades, black business clothes.
nL

On a 3rd stab we see another black clad gentleman. (40s) He’s
handsome, but looks like he parties too hard. This is BUDDY.

On a final stab we see the last shades wearing black clad
passenger, a younger lady (20s) with her hair up. This is
li


DARLING. There’s a hint of trash beneath her business clothes.
nk



The high strings crescendo. Griff flings his door wide open.


3 INT./EXT. CAR/PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS 3
Fra




The track kicks in. We see the car is a shiny red Honda Civic
and note the door chimes are in time with the song.

Choppy strings play against guitar riffs as GRIFF gets out. We
see a shotgun partially concealed in his trench coat.

BUDDY and DARLING get out. We glimpse they are also armed. He
pops the trunk. Grabs two duffels. Hands one to Darling.

We see they all wear sneakers as they walk away from the car in
sync with the track. Again. It’s awesome. But we stay with-
2.


BABY: our young driver. Hands fixed on the wheel. Ten to two.
Watching his colleagues disappearing inside a ‘CHASE’ bank.

The song pauses for two bars.

When it kicks back in, our driver suddenly drops the strong,
silent tough guy act and comes to glorious, joyous life.

Nodding his head. Swaying in his seat. Mouthing the vocals. A
slave to the rhythm. He doesn’t miss a beat. It’s cool, but-

He’s also like a big kid in front of his bedroom mirror. As he




AA
drums on the dash, we see shoppers pass, other cars cruise by.

Baby is so immersed in the track, he flicks on the wipers. They
swipe across the dry glass in perfect sync.




-C
A mother with a stroller passes. The infant inside notices Baby
rocking out in his car. Baby waves. The infant smiles.

Then he instinctively looks in his rear view. A BLACK & WHITE
POLICE CRUISER, sirens blaring, races up the street behind.
Baby turns to watch the police car drive up and past.
att
A pause in the music. The police car doesn’t return.

An urgent bass line. Baby looks to the bank. His goofy chair
nL
dance is over. He’s stone faced and all business again.

Over distorted guitars, our driver watches through partially
frosted windows. Sees his colleagues ordering staff to hit the
floor. Glimpses scared faces, the brandishing of weapons.
li


The song reaches an interlude; a vocal comes in and Baby lip
syncs every word as his eyes stay fixed on the bank.
nk



JON SPENCER (IN SONG)
“Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.”
Fra




A snare hits. An ALARM sounds. Baby steels himself.

Military snares build like staccato machine gun fire. His
colleagues explode out of the bank, two bags full.

Baby revs in time with the snares as his colleagues get in. Our
driver glances at the bank sign. ‘CHASE’.

He pops the car into reverse. Stomps the gas, hard.

Snare drums crescendo. The car screams back through the tight
spaces between parked cars, makes a tight Rockford to face
forward. Baby drops into drive. Swerves wide onto -
3.
Genres: ["Crime","Action"]

Summary A young driver named Baby waits in a red Honda Civic while his colleagues Griff, Buddy, and Darling rob a bank in a strip mall parking lot. As Baby listens to music and becomes animated, he accidentally turns on the wipers and waves at a passing mother and her baby. He notices a police car driving by and becomes serious, watching his colleagues through the frosted windows as they brandish weapons and order the staff to the floor. When the alarm sounds, Baby's colleagues come out of the bank with bags of money, and Baby quickly reverses the car, narrowly maneuvering through the parking lot and driving away.
Strengths
  • Engaging use of music
  • Effective character introductions
  • Visual and auditory synchronization
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the tone and introduces the main characters while incorporating music as a driving force. The use of visuals and sound creates a captivating and engaging experience for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heist getaway with a music-loving driver adds an interesting and unique twist to the crime genre. The incorporation of music as a central element enhances the overall concept.

Plot: 8

The plot is set in motion as the characters arrive at the bank and prepare for the heist. The use of the song's pauses and crescendos adds tension and anticipation to the scene.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a getaway driver enjoying music during a heist is not entirely unique, the specific details and execution of the scene bring freshness to the familiar situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are introduced effectively through their appearances and actions. Baby's transformation from stoic to joyful showcases his personality and sets up potential character development.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not significant character change in this scene, Baby's transformation from stoic to joyful hints at potential growth and development throughout the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a stoic and tough demeanor while secretly enjoying the music and feeling a sense of joy and freedom.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully execute a bank heist with his colleagues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is introduced through the presence of the police car and the urgency it creates. The heist itself adds further conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of maintaining a tough demeanor while secretly enjoying the music and executing the heist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters prepare for a bank heist and encounter the presence of the police car. The potential consequences of their actions create tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the heist setup and introducing the main characters. It creates anticipation for the upcoming events and sets the stage for the conflict.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it combines elements of coolness and rebellion with unexpected moments, such as the protagonist flicking on the wipers in sync with the music.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from joy and excitement during Baby's reaction to the music, to tension and anticipation during the heist setup. The emotional impact keeps the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal in this scene, but it effectively conveys the characters' roles and relationships. The song lyrics also contribute to the dialogue and enhance the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces the audience to a group of intriguing characters, creates anticipation for the upcoming heist, and uses music and visual descriptions to immerse the audience in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of rhythm and excitement. The quick cuts between actions and the synchronization of the music with the characters' movements enhance the pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a great hook: a young man, Baby, listening to loud music and dancing in his car while his armed colleagues rob a bank. This immediately establishes Baby as a character who is both dangerous and unpredictable.
  • The writing is very visual and descriptive, and the use of the song "Bellbottoms" by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion is effective in creating a sense of atmosphere and tension.
  • The dialogue is sparse, but effective, and the characters are well-defined. Baby's stoic expression and blank stares make him seem like a ticking time bomb, while his colleagues' tough guy personas are both believable and menacing.
  • The scene builds to a climax when the police car drives past, and Baby's colleagues emerge from the bank with bags of money. The tension is palpable as Baby races away from the scene, and the reader is left wondering what will happen next.
  • However, the scene could be improved by adding some more context. For example, the reader does not know why Baby is driving his colleagues to the bank, or what his relationship is to them. Additionally, the scene could be more suspenseful if the police car returned and pursued Baby.
  • There are also a few minor issues with the scene. For example, the use of the word "att" in stage direction is confusing, and the description of Baby's eyes as "blank" is somewhat subjective.
  • Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively introduces the characters and sets up the plot. With a few minor tweaks, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions
  • Add more context to the scene by explaining why Baby is driving his colleagues to the bank and what his relationship is to them.
  • Increase the suspense by having the police car return and pursue Baby.
  • Clarify the use of the word "att" in stage direction.
  • Change the description of Baby's eyes from "blank" to something more objective, such as "cold" or "expressionless".



Scene 2 -  High-Speed Escape Through LA
4 EXT. THE STREETS OF LA - CONTINUOUS 4

JON SPENCER
“I’m gonna daaaaance.”

Baby’s car sails into busy traffic, the track blasting on the
car stereo, building in speed and energy.

Despite the velocity of the getaway, our driver is calm at the
wheel, weaving through traffic like an android.

The other gang members lay low in their seats, shrug out of




AA
their business attire. They trade looks as Baby swerves.

WOOP WOOP. One BLACK & WHITE cruiser screams the opposite way.
It zooms past, then makes a 180 behind them.




-C
Baby sees the Black & White BEHIND. A light turns red AHEAD.

He FLOORS it through the stop light. Other drivers break hard
around him. Cars crash, rear end in time with kick drum hits.

The Black & White flies through the intersection, gaining.
att
Baby nears 70 mph, the track building with cracking snares. The
lone Black & White still dogs behind. Sirens wailing.
nL
Baby HITS 70 mph. Then 80. Comes up to an intersection. Eases
off. Makes a hard right at the last second into -

A side street. Loses the Black & White. Baby TEARS down the
narrow street, dodges dumpsters.
li


On the adjacent artery, the Black & White can be seen in
parallel. Baby floors it to the next cross street and SWERVES a
nk



hard left, directly into the path of the Black & White
pursuing.

Baby plows through this intersection, forcing the Black & White
Fra




and all other traffic to brake VIOLENTLY HARD.

The Honda Civic leaves the Black & White in the dust and tears
down another straight with less traffic.

Baby holds the gas down. Sees something before we do -

JON SPENCER (CONT’D)
“I’m gonna break, I’m gonna break!”

Baby brakes, pulls hard on the wheel, accelerates through a 180
skid, roars in back the other direction with -

THREE BLACK & WHITES now on his tail. Red and Blues. Sirens.
4.


Facing the original cruiser, Baby crosses the double line, tears
past oncoming traffic and DISAPPEARS up a freeway ramp.

No one saw that turn coming but Baby.


5 EXT. THE 405 FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS 5

The Black & Whites are left behind as Baby revs past the green
light and into aggressive morning traffic. 85... 90.

Highly distorted guitar signals the arrival of a POLICE




AA
HELICOPTER. It dogs above, but has to play find-the-lady with
at least three red Honda Civics currently southbound.

Baby weaves from lane to lane. As he disappears under a bridge,
he crosses to the shoulder and barrels along it at a crazy




-C
speed. Tears down the off ramp. And he’s back onto -


6 EXT. THE STREETS OF LA - CONTINUOUS 6

MASS HONKS as Baby blows through a intersection. Disappears down
att
an alley, weaving these back routes like a savant.

As sirens and choppers’ blades ebb away a little, we see Baby
ease it down, a rising bass riff signals a sneaking approach.
nL

He slows to see if any cruisers cross by ahead. One police
cruiser glides by, sirens off. Baby waits on the bass riff
again. Then floors it when the coast’s clear. And suddenly -

They pull into a covered parking lot underneath a quiet shopping
li


complex and pull up next to a green Toyota Corolla.
nk



And like that, the gang leap out of the Civic and into the switch
car, money and guns covered up.

The gang swap places. Buddy and Griff in the back. Baby shotgun,
Fra




Darling drives. Lets her hair down. Pulls on a colorful sweater.

Baby closes his eyes, pretends to be asleep as Darling roars
into the white of morning and the Blues Explosion echoes out.

And the first musical number is over. That was something.


7 EXT. DOWNTOWN BUSINESS DISTRICT - LATER 7

OVER CREDITS: ‘Harlem Shuffle’ by Bob & Earl.

Our hero, Baby, appears from a door in the mirrored exterior of
a non-descript business address in Bunker Hill.
5.


Baby has his iPod earphones firmly in, his shades on and his
bubble of sound around him. Again, he’s clearly a big kid when
away from the gang, lost in his music.

He strolls down the street listening to ‘Harlem Shuffle’. The song
is as funky as the business district is not. Office workers stride
to work, while Baby STRUTS along like Tony Manero.

Baby walks against the traffic, the world syncing around him: a
chorus of car honks, cell phones and barking canines.

Baby uses a crosswalk, the bleeps and his steps all in time. He




AA
reaches the other side of the street and breezes into -


8 INT. STARBUCKS - CONTINUOUS 8




-C
Baby takes one ear out, orders from an unseen MALE BARISTA.

BARISTA (O.S.)
Can I get your order sir?

BABY
att
(counts out four fingers)
One black coffee. One black coffee.
One black coffee. And one coffee,
black.
nL

BARISTA (O.S.)
So, four black coffees?

BABY
Uh. Yeah.
li


BARISTA (O.S.)
nk



Size?

BABY
Middle one.
Fra




BARISTA (O.S.)
Four grande black coffees. Name?

BABY
Baby.

BARISTA (O.S.)
Your name is “Baby”?

BABY
B-A-B-Y. Baby.
6.


Baby puts his second ear back in as the coffee machine screams
into life and Bob (or Earl) wails over the middle 8.

Baby looks around the Starbucks, sees other young people of his
age, smiling and chatting, enjoying their carefree lives. Their
actions are magically in time with his personal soundtrack.

Baby looks out through the window, sees A PRETTY GIRL walking
past. She too is wearing earphones and lost in her own music.

For a beautiful moment this girl and the whole damn city is
alive and all in step with the music in his head. All except -




AA
A BEAT COP. Ironically, the only person not walking on beat.

The middle 8 ends. The GIRL disappears. The BEAT COP lingers.




-C
Baby grabs his coffee tray. Splits.
Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Baby, the driver, leads a high-speed chase through the streets of LA with his gang after a heist, skillfully maneuvering through traffic and narrowly avoiding the police. They eventually switch cars in a parking lot, leaving the police behind. The scene is tense and action-packed, with Baby repeating 'I’m gonna daaaaance' and 'I’m gonna break, I’m gonna break!' as they make their escape.
Strengths
  • Intense and thrilling car chase sequence
  • Effective use of music and synchronized action
  • High-stakes and tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and thrilling, with a well-executed car chase sequence that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The use of music and synchronized action adds an innovative and exciting element to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed car chase combined with synchronized action and music is executed effectively and creates a unique and thrilling experience for the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the getaway after a bank heist, with the main character Baby using his exceptional driving skills to evade the police. The high-stakes nature of the situation and the intense pursuit drive the plot forward.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a getaway and police chase is a familiar one in the crime genre, the specific actions and descriptions in this scene add a fresh and exciting element. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While the focus of the scene is more on the action and the car chase, the characters are still well-defined and their actions and reactions during the chase reveal their personalities and dynamics within the group.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character arc within this scene, the actions and reactions of the characters during the chase reveal their resourcefulness, teamwork, and ability to handle high-pressure situations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully evade the police and complete the getaway. This reflects their deeper desire for freedom and escape from their criminal lifestyle.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the police and reach their destination safely. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the main character being pursued by the police and having to use his skills to escape. The constant threat of capture and the intense chase create a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of evading multiple police cruisers and a beat cop. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the main character being pursued by the police and facing the risk of capture and imprisonment. The intense chase and the consequences of being caught create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showing the successful getaway after the bank heist and setting up the next phase of the plot. It also establishes the skills and resourcefulness of the main character.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's escape plan, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, including adrenaline, excitement, and a sense of danger. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the chase and the fate of the characters.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal, with most of the communication happening through actions and reactions. However, the few lines of dialogue that are present effectively convey the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it immediately throws the audience into a high-stakes situation and keeps them on the edge of their seats with the fast-paced action and suspenseful music cues.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and energetic rhythm that matches the intensity of the action and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, followed by action and dialogue sequences that build tension and excitement.


Critique
  • This scene is well-written and effectively conveys the high-octane action and suspense of a high-speed car chase. The use of music to build tension and energy is effective, and the descriptions of Baby's driving skills are both thrilling and believable.
  • However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. First, the dialogue could be more concise and impactful. Some of the lines are a bit too long and could be trimmed down without losing any of the meaning.
  • Second, the scene could be more visually engaging. The descriptions of the car chase are good, but they could be even more vivid and immersive. For example, the writer could use more descriptive language to convey the speed and danger of the chase, and they could also include more details about the environment.
  • Finally, the scene could be more emotionally resonant. The writer does a good job of conveying the excitement and suspense of the chase, but they could also explore the emotional toll it is taking on Baby. For example, they could show him struggling to maintain his focus or dealing with the guilt of putting innocent people in danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider trimming down some of the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Add more descriptive language to convey the speed and danger of the chase, and include more details about the environment.
  • Explore the emotional toll the chase is taking on Baby, such as by showing him struggling to maintain his focus or dealing with the guilt of putting innocent people in danger.



Scene 3 -  Griff's Harassment and Baby's Calm Resistance
9 EXT. DOWNTOWN BUSINESS DISTRICT - CONTINUOUS 9

Baby passes the Beat Cop, only doing a subtle strut in time.
att
His swagger returns as he approaches the building from where he
came. We see POLICE CARS reflected in the glass of the
building. Baby hears their sirens and watches as they pass.
nL

As the song fades, Baby opens the door with his elbow, stops it
with his foot, all while switching the coffee tray from one
hand to the other. He then pirouettes into the open door. He is-

The Gene Kelly of the coffee run.
li
nk



10 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - DAY 10

‘Egyptian Reggae’ by Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers.
Fra




Coffee is drunk. Cash split. The gang are in a garment
warehouse space with some vintage sewing desks.

On a large table in the middle. DOC, an older (60s), silver-
haired, very well-dressed man, counts out the day’s haul.

Darling, fixes herself up (down?), now looking trashier than
before. Buddy, sits next to her and sips his coffee quietly.

Baby sits at the back of class, earphones in and shades still
on. The goofy kid has disappeared, the stoic, poker faced Baby
has returned. The beefy guy, Griff, glowers at him.
7.


GRIFF
What’s his deal?

DOC
Baby? Full cut. Same as everyone.

Doc is brusque, seems irritated at answering any questions.

GRIFF
No I mean, is he retarded?

DOC




AA
Retarded means slow. Was he slow?

GRIFF
No...




-C
DOC
Then he don’t sound retarded to me.

Doc smiles for a second. Then resumes counting.

GRIFF
att
I don’t know. There’s something wrong
with him not saying anything.

DOC
nL
There’s nothing wrong with some quiet.

GRIFF
I’m just saying it weirds me -

DOC
li


(makes a zip-it motion)
Hey! I’m going to lose count.
nk



Griff swaggers over to Baby, who taps his fingers on the table
to ‘Egyptian Reggae’ on his iPod.
Fra




Griff observes for a while, then holds down his tapping hand.
Baby slowly takes his hand away. Now his feet tap in time.

GRIFF
What you listening to?

No answer. Griff takes out one of Baby’s earphones.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
What are you listening to Baby?

No answer. Griff looks at Baby’s iPod. Drops it with a scoff.
8.


GRIFF (CONT’D)
You think you’re pretty smart acting
dumb, that it?

BUDDY
Leave the kid alone Griff.

GRIFF
I just wanna know what’s going in his
head. Aside from ‘Egyptian Reggae’.

DARLING




AA
(half listening)
Love reggae.

BUDDY
What does it matter to you?




-C
GRIFF
I think he thinks he’s better than us,
Buddy. Wants to keep his white shirt
clean while we plays dirty.
att
Griff snatches off Baby’s shades. We see Baby’s baby blues for
the first time. He looks so fresh faced, so young.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
nL
It don’t work like that. Someday
you’ll get blood on your hands and
find out it don’t wash off in the
fucking sink.

DARLING
li


Griff.
nk



GRIFF
Hey Darling, he wants to hang with the
older kids, he’s going to hear some
grown up words. Like ‘fuck’.
Fra




Griff does a boo scare on Baby. He doesn’t flinch.

DOC
Will you cut it out!

BUDDY
Yeah, he did his job, let him be.

GRIFF
Hey, I ain’t saying he’s not great.
Boy’s a star, right?

Doc puts Baby’s cut in a holdall and brings it over to his desk.
DOC
Would I vouch for him if he wasn’t?

Doc leaves to go to the bathroom. Griff shouts after.

GRIFF
Hey I’m just checking he’s gonna be
okay out in the world. You know, since
he’s the only one in here not packing.

Smiling, Griff takes out his revolver, puts it on the desk.
Baby looks at the revolver, but doesn’t show any emotion.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
Take it. There’s bad people around.

BUDDY
Speak for yourself.

GRIFF
Don’t want it? Say I took your share,
walked out? How you gonna stop me? I
wanna see you stop me.

Darling and Buddy exchange glances as Griff playfully swipes
Baby’s holdall and walks slowly away towards the door.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
C’mon. Don’t let me get away.

Baby looks at Griff, then the revolver. Griff laughs.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
Do it Baby. I’m a real bad guy.

Baby looks up at the ceiling. Griff is insulted.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
Okay. Enough games.
10.


Griff huffs, reluctantly puts the money back in the holdall.
Baby quietly puts his shades back on again, retreats.

BUDDY
I figured out why you call him Baby.
Still waiting for his first words.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Baby, the skilled getaway driver, enters the loft with coffee and does a little dance. The group counts their money, but the atmosphere turns tense when Griff questions Doc about Baby's mental abilities, wondering if he's 'retarded'. Doc defends Baby, but Griff continues to harass him, taking off Baby's headphones and mocking his music. Griff then pulls out his gun, attempting to provoke Baby, who remains calm and unresponsive. The scene ends with Baby putting his headphones back on and retreating to the back of the room, while Griff reluctantly puts the money back in the holdall.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Lack of strong emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the characters, their dynamics, and the tone of the film. It is engaging and keeps the audience hooked with its intense and playful moments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young getaway driver with exceptional driving skills and a mysterious past is intriguing and sets up the premise for the rest of the film.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around a heist gone wrong and the aftermath. It introduces the conflict between Baby and Griff, setting up potential conflicts and character arcs.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and distinct. Baby's silent and stoic demeanor contrasts with Griff's aggressive and curious nature. Darling and Buddy provide additional dynamics to the group.

Character Changes: 7

Baby's character change is hinted at through his silent and stoic demeanor. The potential for further character development is established.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his stoic and poker-faced demeanor despite the antagonistic behavior of Griff. This reflects Baby's desire to keep his emotions hidden and maintain control over his actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid confrontation with Griff and protect his position within the gang. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with Griff's aggressive behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Baby and Griff adds tension and drives the scene forward. The potential for further conflicts is established.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Griff poses a significant challenge to Baby's desire to maintain control and avoid confrontation. The audience is unsure of how Baby will handle the situation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters are involved in a criminal activity and face potential danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the aftermath of the heist and the dynamics within the group.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Baby will react to Griff's antagonistic behavior. Baby's stoic and poker-faced demeanor adds an element of mystery to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Griff and Baby. Griff believes that Baby thinks he's better than the rest of the gang and wants to keep his hands clean, while Griff believes that getting blood on your hands is inevitable. This challenges Baby's belief in maintaining control and staying out of trouble.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene doesn't have a strong emotional impact, but it sets up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively reveals the characters' personalities and conflicts. It is sharp and engaging, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict between the characters and creates tension through their interactions. The sharp dialogue and confrontational behavior of Griff keeps the audience invested in the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and building anticipation. The dialogue and actions of the characters are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, followed by character introductions and dialogue-driven interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue is clunky, especially in the beginning with the exchange between Baby and Griff about what he's listening to. It feels unnatural and forced.
  • The scene feels repetitive, with Griff repeatedly trying to provoke Baby in the same way. It would be more effective if Griff's approach was more varied and escalated over time.
  • The character of Griff comes across as one-dimensional and stereotypical. He's the typical bully who's always trying to prove his toughness. It would be more interesting if Griff had some other layers to his personality.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be easily cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and fluid.
  • Vary Griff's approach to provoking Baby, and escalate it over time.
  • Add some other layers to Griff's personality to make him more interesting.
  • Consider cutting the scene if it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters.



Scene 4 -  Baby's First Encounter with the Gang and Griff's Departure
11 INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR - LATER 11

‘Secondo Intermezzo Pop’ by Ennio Morricone.




AA
Baby travels with Griff, Darling, Buddy and Doc in a packed
elevator. All five of them clutch HOLDALLS.

Darling is all over Buddy. Smooching and laughing. (The 20 year
age gap between them is a little much.)




-C
DARLING
Well isn’t this quite the squeeze?

BUDDY
I think you’re quite the squeeze.
att
Griff again eyeballs Baby who has shades back on, phones in.

GRIFF
nL
You still mad-dogging me boy?

Doc snaps, Darling and Buddy sigh, tired of this shit.

DOC
Jesus. You’re mad dogging him.
li


BUDDY
nk



Yeah, where do you get off?

GRIFF
Kid’s gotta grow up sometime.
Fra




BUDDY
Seriously. Where do you get off?

PING. The lift hits P1.

GRIFF
Right here.

Griff makes a move, looking to Doc.

GRIFF (CONT’D)
Okay folks, if you don’t hear from me.
It’s because I’m dead.
11.


Griff exits the frame and the movie. He’s never seen again.

The doors close and Darling laughs at the release of tension.
The lift descends. Buddy and Darling kiss again.

DARLING
Hey, what’s that song?
(sings)
“Love in an elevator”

BUDDY
That would be ‘Love In An Elevator’.




AA
DARLING
Riiight.

PING. The elevator hits P2. Buddy salutes Doc.




-C
BUDDY
Sir, I will call you as soon as the
nose bag is empty.

Buddy punches Baby’s arm playfully.
att
BUDDY (CONT’D)
And you? You did great. You aced it.
You’re one of the good guys.
nL

They exit. Buddy shouts back to Baby as the doors close.

BUDDY (CONT’D)
He calls you again, don’t pick up.
li


And with that, the elevator descends. Doc smiles tersely.
nk



DOC
Don’t listen to him.

Baby then speaks his first words to any of ‘the gang’.
Fra




BABY
Okay.
Genres: ["Crime","Action"]

Summary In a packed freight elevator, Baby has his first encounter with Griff, Darling, Buddy, and Doc, as they all descend from the first to the second floor. Griff attempts to intimidate Baby, but Doc intervenes, leading to Griff's exit. Buddy and Darling's affectionate behavior and discussion of 'Love In An Elevator' lightens the mood, while Baby speaks his first words to the gang before the scene ends.
Strengths
  • Engaging action sequences
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension and humor balance
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

This scene is highly engaging and well-executed, with a good balance of tension and humor. The dialogue is sharp and the action sequences are thrilling. The sudden exit of Griff adds an unexpected twist to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a heist gone wrong and the subsequent escape is well-established and executed effectively in this scene.

Plot: 9

The plot in this scene is fast-paced and exciting, with the high-speed chase and the tension in the elevator. It keeps the audience engaged and wanting to know what happens next.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in this scene are well-defined and their dynamics are established effectively. Baby's calm and composed demeanor, Griff's antagonistic behavior, and Doc's protective nature towards Baby are all portrayed convincingly.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily focuses on establishing the dynamics between the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the tense situation and maintain his composure. This reflects his deeper need for survival and his fear of confrontation or violence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the encounter with Griff and the other characters in the elevator. This reflects the immediate challenge of diffusing the tension and avoiding conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in this scene is primarily between Griff and Baby, with tension building up in the elevator. The conflict adds intensity and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces potential conflict and tension from Griff and the other characters. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters involved in a dangerous heist and a high-speed chase. The tension and the risk of getting caught add to the intensity.

Story Forward: 9

This scene moves the story forward significantly, as it shows the successful heist, the escape, and the dynamics among the characters. It sets up the next phase of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the reader doesn't know how the tension between the characters will escalate or resolve. The unexpected exit of Griff adds an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact in this scene is moderate, with moments of tension and humor. The audience may feel a sense of relief when Griff exits the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, witty, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and conflict through the characters' interactions and dialogue. The reader is invested in the outcome of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and keeping the reader engaged. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly and create a rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and develops the tension and conflict.


Critique
  • This scene is a good example of building tension and conflict within a confined space, although there is very little movement as a physical release from the emotions on display. A wider variety of shots could help convey the escalating emotions from Griff toward Baby.
  • The dialogue could use some work to make it more natural and less forced. For example, Darling's line, "Well isn't this quite the squeeze?" and Baby’s final line, "Okay." feel a bit unnatural and out of character.
  • The elevator setting is a bit too convenient for the characters to have this tense encounter. It would be more interesting if the scene took place in a more public setting, such as a crowded street or a busy restaurant, where the characters would have to be more careful about their actions.
  • The character of Griff is a bit too one-dimensional. He's portrayed as a stereotypical bully, and his motivations for harassing Baby are not clear. Fleshing out his character would make the scene more interesting.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. After all the tension that has been building up, it's a bit of a let down when Griff simply exits the elevator and the scene ends.
  • The song choice, "Secondo Intermezzo Pop" by Ennio Morricone is not appropriate for the scene. It's a light, upbeat song and doesn't fit the tone of the scene, which is tense and confrontational.
Suggestions
  • Make the dialogue more natural and less forced.
  • Move the scene to a more public setting.
  • Flesh out the character of Griff.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending.
  • Choose a more appropriate song for the scene.



Scene 5 -  Baby's Financial Transaction and Caring for the Elderly Man
12 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3 - CONTINUOUS 12

PING. Baby and Doc exit into a cavernous parking lot. They walk
over to Doc’s shiny Black Merc. Doc opens the trunk.

DOC
Now you know I don’t like taking candy
from Baby, but...
12.


Doc holds out his hand. Baby gives him his holdall. Doc takes
out one stack of bills and throws both bags in the trunk.

DOC (CONT’D)
Didn’t want to embarrass you in front
of the gang. When we’re square we’ll
work out a new deal. Deal?

BABY
Uh. Yeah.

Doc gives Baby the one stack of bills. Gets into his car.




AA
DOC
Don’t go crazy with that. I want you
back behind the wheel and soon. I’ll
call you.




-C
Doc pulls out. Leaves Baby all alone.


13 EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - DUSK 13
att
‘Nutrocker’ by B. Bumble And The Stingers.

A piano bangs out a funereal intro. We see a dilapidated red
brick apartment building complete with a rusty fire escape.
nL

It’s a stone’s throw from a park. Judging by some of the
boarded up windows, literally a stone’s throw.


14 INT. BARE APARTMENT - DUSK 14
li


The song becomes a rendition of March Of The Wooden Soldiers,
nk



we see Baby flick the stack of cash in time with the piano.

Without his shades, Baby again looks less the badass, more the
big kid. Young, of indeterminate age. Handsome, but cute.
Fra




As the track vamps, Baby puts the money away, under a missing
floorboard where an amount of dollar bills are stashed.

Baby replaces the board and we get a wider view of his
quarters.

Pretty basic. Tiny kitchenette. Small bathroom and bedroom. In
the center, a dining table and single chair.

As ‘Nutrocker’ blossoms into a jazzy version of Tchaikovsky,
Baby mimes the keyboards on the table. Pounding out the tune
with his fingers. Playing at playing like Jerry Lee Lewis.
13.


There are iPods on the counter, table and floor. There must be
close to 70 devices from different years, different colors,
different models, seemingly from different owners.

There isn’t a computer in the room. Just the odd charger.
Battered travel speakers. A cassette deck. Audio tapes. A vinyl
player. LPs. CD players, Walkmans. Dictaphones and many other
recorders. A treasure trove of music systems and physical
media.

While there is a tremendous amount of equipment, it’s ordered
in a way that makes sense to Baby. Very precisely laid out.




AA
Baby is now jiving around the room to ‘Nutrocker’. He even pops
some pills to the tune. (Sharp eyes will notice it’s
anticonvulsant medication for tinnitus and epilepsy.)




-C
It’s clear music is an obsession as Baby dances like no-one’s
watching. As he moves to the other side of the room we see -

An ELDERLY MAN (African American, 80s) in pajamas and robe,
sitting in a wheelchair. He’s half-asleep, watching TV.
att
Baby sees a KTLA 5 report on a ‘Valley Bank Robbe - ’.

CLICK. Baby switches it off. He wakes the Elderly Man and
communicates the following in sign language. No subtitles.
nL

BABY
You okay?

ELDERLY MAN
I’m hungry.
li


BABY
nk



You want the same?

ELDERLY MAN
Yes please.
Fra




As drums shuffle and the piano starts a descending octave, Baby
makes a sliced white bread and peanut butter sandwich.

He makes sure to spread the butter to the edges and cuts it
into four smaller slices. Every action has a flourish to it.

The song ends as it began, with jolly ceremony. Baby serves the
sandwich on bended knee, as if it were a royal platter. The
Elderly Man beams with his remaining teeth.

In the corner sits one of those deaf friendly phones where a
red light flashes when a call is incoming. It is not flashing.
14.
Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

Summary Baby and Doc have a financial transaction in a parking lot, where Doc gives Baby a stack of bills and leaves. Baby returns home, takes his medication, and communicates with an elderly man in a wheelchair through sign language, making him a sandwich. The scene highlights Baby's sense of responsibility towards the elderly man, with minor conflicts and a subdued tone in Baby's apartment.
Strengths
  • Effective character development for Baby
  • Tension and conflict between Baby and Griff
  • Unique elements like Baby's music obsession and use of sign language
Weaknesses
  • Limited development for other characters
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes Baby's character, his love for music, and his relationship with the Elderly Man. It also creates tension through the interaction between Baby and Griff, showcasing Baby's calm demeanor. The scene is well-paced and engaging, providing important character development and setting up future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a skilled getaway driver with a passion for music and a caring nature adds depth to the character and sets up potential conflicts and emotional arcs.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Baby returns to his hideaway, counts the stolen money, and interacts with the Elderly Man. It sets up the conflict between Baby and Griff and hints at Baby's desire to leave his criminal life behind.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the combination of music and criminal activities is not entirely unique, the specific details and descriptions, such as the collection of music systems and physical media, add a fresh and authentic element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene provides insight into Baby's character, showcasing his love for music, his caring nature, and his ability to remain calm under pressure. The interaction between Baby and Griff establishes their dynamic and sets up future conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Baby's character remains consistent in this scene, but there are hints of potential changes as he desires to leave his criminal life behind.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and escape from his criminal life through music. This reflects his deeper need for freedom and a sense of identity separate from his criminal activities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to hide the money he received from a criminal job and maintain a low profile. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing as a criminal trying to avoid detection.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Baby and Griff adds tension to the scene, as well as the potential conflict between Baby's desire to leave his criminal life behind and the pressures of his current situation.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces challenges and obstacles, but they are not presented as significant or difficult to overcome. The audience has a sense of how the scene will go.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are relatively high as Baby is involved in a criminal operation and faces potential conflicts and consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Baby's character, his relationships, and his desires. It sets up future conflicts and potential character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it combines elements of crime and music in a way that is not immediately expected. The introduction of the elderly man and the protagonist's interaction with him also adds an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's love for music and his involvement in criminal activities. This challenges his beliefs and values, as he seeks solace and escape through music while being trapped in a dangerous and morally ambiguous world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits empathy for Baby through his caring interaction with the Elderly Man. It also creates tension and anticipation for future conflicts.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension between Baby and Griff, as well as Baby's calm and collected nature. The use of sign language to communicate with the Elderly Man adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces the audience to the protagonist's internal and external goals, creates a sense of mystery and intrigue, and establishes a unique atmosphere through the combination of music and criminal activities.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of action and dialogue with moments of reflection and atmosphere. The rhythm of the scene aligns with the music playing in the background, creating a sense of harmony.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and narrative description in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location description, introduces the characters and their actions, and ends with a setup for future events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It is unclear what the characters are doing or what they are trying to achieve.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable or engaging.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters. It is a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. It takes place in a drab apartment with no interesting details or set pieces.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What are the characters trying to achieve? What is the conflict?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. The characters should speak in a way that is believable and reflects their personalities.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action. The scene should be as short as possible while still getting the point across.
  • Add some visual interest to the scene. Use interesting set pieces or details to make the scene more visually appealing.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether. If the scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters, it may be better to cut it.



Scene 6 -  Baby's Restless Evening: Loneliness and Longing
15 INT. BARE APARTMENT - EVENING 15

Baby sits alone. The Elderly Man is asleep in his chair. Baby
absent mindedly flicks through kids’ TV CHANNELS.

Flip to Alfala from ‘The Little Rascals’ singing -

ALFALFA
“You are so beautiful.”

Flip to Donkey and several baby donkeys in ‘Shrek The 3rd’-




AA
DONKEY
They grow up so fast.

Flip to Sully and Mike in ‘Monsters Inc’-




-C
MIKE WAZOWSKI
You and I are a team. Nothing is more
important than our friendship.


16 INT. BARE APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT 16
att
Baby still sits alone. The Elderly Man now cannot be seen. He
holds an outmoded Sony handheld cassette recorder.
nL
He plays back the audio for the opening chase. We hear a badly
recorded ‘Bellbottoms’ and all the sounds of the car.

The phone sits in the corner. Still nothing.
li


17 INT. BARE APARTMENT - DAWN 17
nk



Baby. Alone. Still playing the tape. We hear this dialogue.

DOC (TAPE)
Was he slow?
Fra




GRIFF (TAPE)
No.

VEEEEEP. Baby rewinds this. Listens again.


18 INT. BARE APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING 18

‘Call Me’ by Siriusmo.

Baby hasn’t slept. Stares at the phone. In time with a track
made up of dial tones, he pretends to play it like a theremin.
15.


He mimes out this Chaplin-esque routine where he wills the
phone to ring with grand choreographed gestures.

But no call. Bored, Baby looks into the bedroom. Sees the
Elderly Man asleep under blankets. Sunlight streaming in.

Slowly Baby starts to fall asleep. But as soon as his eyes
close-

FLASHBACK: A HIGH PITCHED WHINE ON SOUNDTRACK

- A YOUNG 7 YEAR OLD Baby, not wearing headphones, sitting in




AA
the same apartment, same table. The furnishings are different.

- Young Baby has bruises and visible stitches. He looks up to
see the Elderly Man (about 10 years younger) offer him a peanut
butter sandwich and mouth ‘you okay?’. Baby closes his eyes.




-C
- See Young Baby, unbruised, in the back seat of a car,
headphones firmly on. The camera pans around to see -

- A crying woman driving.
att
- A man in the passenger seat shouting furiously at her.

- The pick up truck they are about to rear end.
nL
- The WHINE reaches a peak. Baby closes his eyes.

FLASHBACK ENDS. Baby opens his eyes. Gets out of his chair.

He looks at one white iPod on the table. The original model
from 2001. It is cracked and broken. Beyond repair.
li
nk
Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Baby, the main character, is left alone in the apartment watching TV and listening to an old cassette tape of a car chase. His restlessness and focus on the cassette tape's dialogue about the car's speed suggest a longing for connection. The scene takes on a melancholic and nostalgic tone, with a hint of danger and tension in the flashback of a younger Baby with bruises, sitting in a car with a shouting man and crying woman. The conflict of Baby's loneliness and longing for connection is not resolved, as he falls asleep without any resolution. The key pieces of dialogue come from the TV shows and cassette tape that Baby listens to, emphasizing themes of beauty, growing up, friendship, and speed.
Strengths
  • Effective use of flashbacks
  • Balancing action and introspection
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively balances action and introspection, providing a captivating experience for the audience. The use of flashbacks adds depth to Baby's character and creates intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing high-speed chases with quiet moments of reflection is innovative and engaging. The use of flashbacks to reveal Baby's past adds complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's solitude and his struggle with his past. It effectively sets up the emotional journey for the character.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the use of flashbacks and the protagonist's actions add a fresh approach to the theme of loneliness and longing for connection. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue is believable and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities. Baby's silent determination and the tension between Griff and Doc add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Baby experiences a subtle change in his demeanor throughout the scene. He starts off as calm and focused, but the flashbacks reveal his vulnerability and emotional turmoil.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and distraction from his loneliness. It reflects his deeper need for connection and his fear of being alone.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to receive a phone call. It reflects the immediate circumstance of his isolation and his challenge of finding companionship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Griff and Doc creates tension in the scene. Baby's internal conflict and his struggle with his past also contribute to the overall conflict.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is not strong. The protagonist faces internal obstacles and loneliness, but there are no external forces or conflicts that challenge him.

High Stakes: 8

The high-speed chase and Baby's internal struggle raise the stakes in the scene. The audience is invested in Baby's well-being and his ability to overcome his past.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Baby's character and sets up his emotional journey. It deepens the audience's understanding of the story and the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces flashbacks and unexpected actions by the protagonist. The audience is unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension during the high-speed chase to nostalgia and empathy during the flashbacks. It creates a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful. The use of dialogue in the flashbacks effectively conveys emotion and adds depth to the characters.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of curiosity and empathy for the protagonist. The use of flashbacks and the protagonist's actions keep the audience invested in his story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and emotion. The use of flashbacks and the protagonist's actions create a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and progresses through different time periods, building tension and emotion.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and meandering. It is unclear what the purpose of the scene is. Is it to show Baby's isolation? His loneliness? His mental state? The scene would benefit from a more focused approach.
  • The scene is full of flashbacks and references to earlier scenes. This can be confusing for the reader and make it difficult to follow the narrative. It would be helpful to streamline the scene and focus on the most important elements.
  • The dialogue is often repetitive and unnatural. This can make the scene feel boring and drag on. It would be helpful to rework the dialogue to make it more engaging and believable.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Baby falling asleep. This leaves the reader with a sense of anticlimax. It would be helpful to give the scene a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene later, after Baby has already fallen asleep. This will create a sense of mystery and intrigue, and it will make the reader more invested in the scene.
  • Focus on Baby's internal conflict. What is he thinking and feeling? What is he struggling with? The scene would benefit from a deeper exploration of Baby's character.
  • Use the flashbacks and references to earlier scenes more sparingly. Only use them when they are absolutely necessary to advance the plot or develop the character.
  • Rework the dialogue to make it more engaging and believable. Use contractions and slang to make the characters sound more natural. Avoid using too much exposition. Instead, let the characters reveal their thoughts and feelings through their actions and interactions.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying conclusion. This could involve having Baby wake up and make a decision, or it could involve having him continue to sleep and dream.



Scene 7 -  Baby's Captivating Encounter with Jonathan at the Diner
19 INT. BARE APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING 19

‘Intro’ by The Herbaliser.
Fra




Baby’s back in his bubble. Jacket on. Phones in. Stands by the
front door in a hallway with mirrors on both sides.

THE HERBALISER
“He’s rough, he’s rugged, he’s red
blooded, he’s romantic. He's full of
shit.”

Baby takes his shades on and off, throwing looks into the
mirrors, acting out tough expressions and badass poses.

It’s clear Baby will not leave until the beat kicks in. Baby
throws open the door and exits...
16.


20 INT./EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - CONTINUOUS 20

To a funky groove, Baby struts down the stairwell, passing a
rising exposed elevator on the way up. He doesn’t acknowledge
the neighbor going up as he continues his tough act, sauntering
down to the front door and on beat -

He struts into the street, as if he owns it. Baby jumps into a
Blue Chevy Malibu. As the song ends, he rolls away.


21 INT. EMPTY DINER - EARLY MORNING 21




AA
‘Let’s Go Away For Awhile’ by The Beach Boys.

Baby. Shades on. Phones in. Looking ahead. Listening to music.
He sits in a pleasant, but not very busy, old school diner.




-C
The decor is 50s retro and auto centric. Classic convertibles
with happy smiling couples inside are painted everywhere.

Baby sees the LA Times on the table. He flips it over so he
doesn’t have to see the headline featuring ‘Robbery’.
att
Baby looks out to see a COUPLE in a car at the lights. They
seem happy living the life Baby does not. They pull away
revealing-
nL

The PRETTY GIRL from earlier.

She’s outside the diner, wearing grey sweats, and still wearing
earphones too. She appears to be singing as she -
li


Walks into the diner and right into the kitchen.
nk



Baby peers through the round glass of the kitchen doors as the
girl gets changed out of her sweats. Still singing.

Baby takes out one ear of his earphones to hear what she’s
Fra




singing. But he can only hear the diner music and a little
snatch of her voice when the kitchen doors swing open.

For a brief moment, the planets align and Baby’s music, the
diner muzak and her singing make glorious union.

THE GIRL
B-A-B-Y, Baby.

Baby takes off his shades to look more clearly at this angel,
but she disappears from view to finish getting changed.

Baby stares at the empty space where she just was. Then -
17.


FEMALE VOICE
What can I get you this fine morning?

Baby looks up in a daze. It’s her. She’s a waitress.

BABY
Uh.

THE WAITRESS
Don’t worry if you need a minute. I
got all the time in the world.




AA
She gestures to the empty diner. One man at the counter and a
second bored waitress. Baby stares at photos on the menu.

THE WAITRESS (CONT’D)
Y’know that’s the kids’ menu right?




-C
BABY
Uh. Yeah.

He embarrassedly flips the menu to the other side.
att
THE WAITRESS
Hey don’t worry. I get it. It’s early.
You need Joe to jump start your head?
nL
BABY
Joe?

THE WAITRESS
Coffee.
li


BABY
Uh. No thank you.
nk



THE WAITRESS
Did you just get off?
Fra




BABY
Get off?

THE WAITRESS
You just starting your day or did you
just get off?

BABY
I guess.

The Waitress smirks at his non-answers. Hearing Baby talk more,
we note his speech patterns are half schoolkid and half stoner.
18.


THE WAITRESS
What do you do?

BABY
I’m a driver.

THE WAITRESS
Like a show-fer?

BABY
A what?




AA
THE WAITRESS
You drive around important people?

BABY
I guess I do.




-C
THE WAITRESS
That’s pretty cool. Is it exciting?

BABY
Yeah.
att
THE WAITRESS
Anyone I’d know?
nL
BABY
I hope not.

THE WAITRESS
Well, aren’t you mysterious?
li


BABY
...I don’t know.
nk



THE WAITRESS
You don’t know? Ha! Do you ever hit
the road just for fun?
Fra




BABY
Not so much anymore.

THE WAITRESS
Me neither. Sometimes I’d like to just
take off. Put some tunes on. Not know
where I was going.

BABY
Yeah?

THE WAITRESS
Yeah.
19.


A long pause. They drift off, lose themselves in the idea.

THE WAITRESS (CONT’D)
Have you decided on anything yet?

BABY
Yeah...
(blurts)
You are so beautiful.

THE WAITRESS
Oh you just decided that? Well thank




AA
you but I’m sure you don’t mean it.

BABY
I do mean it.
(looks at her name tag)




-C
Jonathan?

THE WAITRESS
Oh sorry. This isn’t my badge. I only
just started here as a...
(gestures at her uniform)
att
BABY
Jonathan?
nL
THE WAITRESS
Yeah, as a ‘Jonathan’.

She smiles. Charmed at his odd manner. She walks off.

THE WAITRESS (CONT’D)
li


Well, if you have any questions,
holler.
nk



Baby stares as she walks off, tapping the backs of diner stools
in time with the music as she goes. She sings a snatch of the
song she was singing earlier in time with the muzak.
Fra




THE WAITRESS (CONT’D)
B-A-B-Y, Baby.

Baby takes in this image of The Waitress framed within the
couples in convertible illustrations that adorn the walls.

BABY
I have a question.

THE WAITRESS
Uh huh.
20.


BABY
What song are you singing?
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Romance"]

Summary Baby, the main character, prepares to leave his apartment and drives to a diner. Inside, he meets Jonathan, a waitress who used to sing 'B-A-B-Y, Baby'. Baby is captivated by her beauty and singing, and the two exchange pleasantries. The scene is light and positive, with Baby telling Jonathan she's beautiful before she walks away, leaving him to admire her from afar.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing character interactions
  • Establishing potential romantic subplot
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited advancement of main plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes Baby's character and his longing for connection. It also introduces a potential romantic interest and creates a sense of mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Baby's tough act in the mirror and his encounter with the waitress adds depth to his character and sets up a potential romantic subplot.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on Baby's personal life and his desire for connection, which adds emotional depth to the overall story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar, the specific interactions and dialogue between the protagonist and the waitress bring a fresh and authentic perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene, particularly Baby and the waitress, are well-developed and intriguing. Their interactions create interest and potential for future development.

Character Changes: 6

Baby experiences a subtle change in his demeanor and opens up slightly to the waitress, hinting at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his tough and cool persona, as seen through his actions and expressions in front of the mirrors and his interactions with the waitress. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance, as well as his fear of vulnerability and rejection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to order something from the diner and engage in conversation with the waitress. This reflects the immediate circumstances of him being in the diner and his desire for connection and companionship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on character development and establishing relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces a small obstacle in maintaining his tough persona and engaging in conversation with the waitress, but the audience has a sense that the outcome will be positive.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on character development and establishing relationships.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to Baby's character and sets up potential future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a contrast between the protagonist's tough exterior and his more vulnerable and genuine desires. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will navigate this conflict and whether he will reveal his true self to the waitress.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's tough and cool persona and the more genuine and vulnerable side of himself that is revealed through his interactions with the waitress. This challenges his beliefs and values about maintaining a certain image and forces him to confront his true desires and emotions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of longing and nostalgia, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in this scene is engaging and reveals aspects of the characters' personalities. It also establishes a connection between Baby and the waitress through their conversation.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and intrigue through the protagonist's interactions with the waitress. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and anticipation, making the audience curious about the outcome of their conversation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and anticipation through the protagonist's actions and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene aligns with the beat of the music playing in the background, creating a sense of flow and energy.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and scene descriptions that effectively convey the actions and emotions of the characters.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses through a series of interactions and dialogue that develop the scene's conflict and themes.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and it doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The characters are one-dimensional and not very interesting.
  • The plot is predictable and doesn't offer any surprises.
  • The ending is unsatisfying and leaves the reader feeling like they wasted their time.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue to make the scene more concise.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and motivation.
  • Add some unexpected twists and turns to the plot to keep the reader engaged.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that leaves the reader feeling like they got something out of it.



Scene 8 -  Baby's Evening of Preparation and a New Job Offer
22 INT. DISCOUNT RECORD STORE - LATER 22

‘The Plot’ by Lalo Schifrin.

Baby marches into a discount music store, the final resting
place of physical media. Zeroes in on the right section. He’s
never looked so serious. He flips through jewel cases. Finds.




AA
BABY
Car-lah Tom-ass.

We see the CD cover. ‘Gee Whiz: The Best Of Carla Thomas’. He
flips to the back cover. Track listings. ‘13. B-A-B-Y’.




-C
Pays with a crisp new 50 dollar bill. And he’s out.


23 INT. BARE APARTMENT - DUSK 23
att
‘B-A-B-Y’ by Carla Thomas plays at full volume.

Baby stands in the middle of the room. Lost in the track. The
Elderly Man sits in the corner again, watching TV.
nL

We see a red light flashing on the phone.

Baby doesn’t see it at first. He mouths along with the song -

CARLA THOMAS
li


“And I can’t stop loving you.”
nk



Baby has started a slow, solo dance around the room. The phone
light flashes in time with the track.

CARLA THOMAS (CONT’D)
Fra




“And I won’t stop calling you.”

The Elderly Man waves to Baby, alerts him to the phone. Baby
presses pause on his music and picks up.

DOC (O.S.)
You didn’t answer. What’s up?

Baby briefly glances at the ceiling, puzzled.

BABY
What’s up?
21.


DOC (O.S.)
Baby, I don’t actually need to know.
Here’s what’s up.


24 INT. DISCOUNT CLOTHING - EVENING 24

‘Supervillain Theme’ by Madvillain.

DOC (O.S.)
I need you to drive me to an
appointment and I need you to look




AA
smart.

Over the phone conversation, we see Baby in a cavernous
discount menswear store in Santee Alley, garment district.




-C
It appears that we’re in the store after hours and that Doc is
very much in charge. He may be the owner as he has several same
age lackeys helping Baby try out some smarter clothes.

DOC (O.S.) (CONT’D)
You got what it takes to be a
att
chauffeur?

BABY (O.S.)
I think so.
nL

DOC (O.S.)
You know what a chauffeur does?

BABY (O.S.)
Drives around important people.
li


DOC (O.S.)
nk



You learn fast kid. I like it.

Baby admires his new suit. Doc gives it the nod too.
Fra




25 EXT./INT. FANCY RESTAURANT/FANCY CAR - NIGHT 25

‘Marca A La Turca’ by La Tia Leonor Y Sus Sobrinos.

Baby drives Doc’s Merc up to an equally smart restaurant.

It’s a final sitting for dinner, not too busy. Baby sees a
booth full of SERIOUS LOOKING GUYS through the window.

He wears his new black suit, shirt, tie, smart sunglasses and
driver gloves. Only one earphone is in. Doc sits in the back.

Baby pulls into a spot. A town car is parked alongside.
22.


A valet opens the door. Doc leans over to Baby and whispers -

DOC
I won’t be long. In case of fire,
there’s something in the glove.

Doc gets out, leaving Baby staring at his gloves, intrigued.
There’s a hidden weapon in his gloves? Like in ‘Iron Man’?

Baby then realizes Doc meant the glove compartment. He opens
that to sees a PISTOL inside. He closes the glove again.




AA
He looks over to the restaurant. Three WELL DRESSED TOUGHS sit
in a booth with their backs to the wall. They greet Doc with
cordial hugs. They look like gangsters. Or ex-cops.

As they talk we only see the back of Doc’s head. Their




-C
conversation cannot be heard but it syncs perfectly with the
music in Baby’s ears: a wonky sixties cover of Mozart’s Piano
Sonata in A Major.

The four men discuss something important. Through Baby’s eyes
their hushed talk is scored by the piano music. A 4 bar melody
att
represents one guy talking, the next 4 bars in a higher octave
represent a second guy. The meeting continues in time with
descending piano scales.
nL
A piece of paper is passed to Doc across the table, Baby starts
to mouth along with what he imagines the conversation to be,
mimicking the facial expressions of the three toughs.

As he fully commits to this silly charade the window of the
ADJACENT CAR winds down and a POKER FACED CHAUFFEUR looks
li


across at Baby, acting like a goof.
nk



Baby stops. The chaffeur then winds his window back up.

Then, in perfect sync with a celebratory end to the track Doc
walks out of the front door of the restaurant.
Fra




Doc jumps in, slams the door on the closing note of the song.

DOC (CONT’D)
So I got us a job. You in?

BABY
Am I in?

DOC
It was a rhetorical question Baby.
You’re in.
23.
Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

Summary In this light-hearted and humorous scene, Baby goes to a discount record store and buys a Carla Thomas CD, listening to 'B-A-B-Y' until interrupted by a phone call from Doc. Following Doc's instructions, Baby purchases a new suit and waits outside a fancy restaurant where Doc is having a meeting. Doc reveals they have a new job, which Baby accepts, ending the scene on a note of anticipation.
Strengths
  • Effective use of music as a central theme
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Well-executed tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of the theme
  • Emotional impact could be further enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines elements of crime, action, and drama genres, creating a compelling and engaging atmosphere. The use of music as a central theme adds depth and uniqueness to the scene. The introduction of the hidden weapon in the glove compartment adds intrigue and raises the stakes. The portrayal of the tense meeting through the perspective of the main character adds tension and suspense. Overall, the scene is well-executed and keeps the audience captivated.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using music as a driving force for the main character is innovative and adds depth to the story. The incorporation of synchronized actions with the music adds visual interest and enhances the storytelling. The introduction of the hidden weapon in the glove compartment adds a layer of intrigue and raises the stakes. The concept is well-executed and contributes to the overall effectiveness of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's encounter with Doc and his involvement in a job. It effectively sets up the main conflict and introduces the main characters. The plot is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story. The scene also moves the overall story forward by introducing new elements and raising the stakes for the main character.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a protagonist searching for a specific CD and being asked to fulfill a task for someone else is not entirely unique, the specific details and the emphasis on music add a fresh approach to the familiar situations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and distinct. Baby is portrayed as a skilled and focused individual with a passion for music. Doc is depicted as a mysterious and influential figure. The interactions between the characters create tension and intrigue. The characters' personalities and motivations are effectively conveyed through their actions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

The main character, Baby, undergoes a subtle change in this scene. He starts off as a focused and skilled individual, but his encounter with Doc and the introduction of the hidden weapon in the glove compartment hint at a potential shift in his character arc. This change sets up future development and adds intrigue to the character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a specific CD by Carla Thomas. This goal reflects his deeper desire for connection and emotional fulfillment through music.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to drive Doc to an appointment and look smart. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges the protagonist is facing, as he is being asked to fulfill a specific task for Doc.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains a moderate level of conflict, primarily driven by the tension between Baby and Doc. The introduction of the hidden weapon in the glove compartment raises the stakes and adds an element of danger. The conflict is effectively portrayed through the characters' actions and dialogue, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a small obstacle in the form of the protagonist being asked to fulfill a task for Doc, the audience does not know how it will go. This creates a sense of tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The introduction of the hidden weapon in the glove compartment raises the stakes and adds an element of danger to the scene. The tension between Baby and Doc also adds to the high stakes. The scene effectively conveys the potential consequences and risks involved in the main character's actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements and raising the stakes for the main character. It sets up the main conflict and establishes the motivations and relationships between the characters. The scene leaves the audience curious and eager to see what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the protagonist finding a specific CD and being asked to fulfill a task for Doc. The actions and dialogue of the characters contribute to the unpredictability of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including intrigue, tension, and curiosity. The use of music as a central theme adds an emotional depth to the scene. The interactions between the characters create a sense of anticipation and curiosity about their motivations and intentions. While the emotional impact is present, it could be further enhanced in future scenes.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. The conversations between Baby and Doc are filled with subtext and tension. The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. There are also moments of humor and playfulness in the dialogue, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces the protagonist's passion for music and sets up his involvement in a task for Doc. The use of specific details and the protagonist's actions create a sense of curiosity and anticipation for what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building up the protagonist's actions and introducing new elements. The rhythm of the scene aligns with the music playing in the background, creating a sense of flow and continuity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and narrative description in the correct format.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location description, followed by character actions and dialogue, and ends with a transition to the next scene.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The dialogue is not very natural and could be improved by making it more conversational.
  • The scene lacks conflict and could be improved by adding some tension or drama.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and could be improved by providing a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Cut out the unnecessary dialogue and make the dialogue more conversational.
  • Add some tension or drama to the scene.
  • Provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene.



Scene 9 -  Baby Meets the Crew: Tensions Run High in the Warehouse
26 INT. UNDECORATED WAREHOUSE - DAY 26

‘Kashmere’ by The Kashmere Stage Band.

Baby walks in with Doc. We see what he sees. Three new
colleagues. Three hardened criminals. Meet EDDIE, J.D. and
BATS.

DOC
Meet the new cast.

All 30s, all formidable male specimens. Eddie is a slab of




AA
white muscle with a discolored band-aid on his nose. J.D. is a
long haired, dopey faced Korean, covered in tattoos.

DOC (CONT’D)
This is Eddie No Nose. Formerly Eddie




-C
The Nose.

BATS (O.S.)
Why, what happened?

EDDIE
att
Come on. Don’t ask me that. That’s a
No-Nose’ no-one. Page one.

DOC
nL
And that’s J.D. He put the Asian in
home invasion. And Bats there-

Bats is an intense dude, mixed race, wiry with piercing eyes
and permanent grin. He wears a leather glove on one hand.
li


BATS
No need for the intro Doc, everyone’s
nk



heard of the ‘One Glove Bandit’.

Bats and Co. treat their new member with curiosity and
malicious glee; their jazzy patter overlapping like Altman.
Fra




They talk around him, at him, project onto him.

J.D.
This is him Doc? This is the mute?

EDDIE
All I hear is talk about this mute.

J.D, Eddie and Bats are up in Baby’s face like wild dogs as Doc
busies himself writing on a freestanding chalkboard.

BATS
That right? Are you the mute?
24.


BABY
...No.

J.D.
This is the kid, the one who listens
to music all the time.

BATS
If he’s got phones in all the time
how’s he’s concentrate on the job?

DOC




AA
He doesn’t phone it in.

J.D.
Phones don’t phone it in, huh?




-C
BATS
Driver’s supposed to be the eyes and
ears. Not just the eyes.

DOC
He won’t disappoint.
att
EDDIE
You don’t disappoint in this biz, you
just end up dead.
nL

DOC
I’d put money on any of you fucking
up, before Baby puts a step wrong.

J.D.
li


Baby steps, right?
nk



EDDIE
Why’s he listen to music all the time,
he got mental problems or something?
Fra




BATS
Hey. I got the mental problems on this
crew. Position taken, you hear?

DOC
He’s got tinnitus.

EDDIE
What’s that?

DOC
Had an accident when he was a kid.
Something went pop in his ear.

(MORE)
25.

DOC (CONT'D)
Still got a hum in the drum. Plays
music round the clock to drown it out.

J.D.
Hum-drum, huh?

Baby doesn’t react to them talking about the accident. He’s
distracted by one of J.D’s tattoos that reads ‘Hat’.

BABY
‘Hat’?




AA
J.D.
Uh?

BABY
Your tattoo says ‘Hat’.




-C
J.D.
Yeah it used to say ‘hate’, but to
appease my parole officer and increase
my chances of employment, I got the
‘e’ removed.
att
BATS (O.S.)
Oh how’s that working out for you?
nL
J.D.
Who doesn’t like hats?

DOC
So. Let’s talk shop.
(clicks fingers at Baby)
li


Baby, you with us?
nk



Again, Baby doesn’t directly answer. We CUT TO-
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Baby and Doc enter a warehouse and meet Eddie, J.D., and Bats, three skeptical criminals. The crew is curious and suspicious of Baby's constant music listening, due to his tinnitus. The tone is tense and confrontational, with Doc vouching for Baby as the scene ends with Doc clicking his fingers, asking for Baby's confirmation of his commitment.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Tension and curiosity
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Limited character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces new characters and establishes their personalities and dynamics. The dialogue is engaging and the tone creates a sense of tension and curiosity.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of introducing new characters with distinct backgrounds and personalities is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Baby meets the new cast and prepares for a new job.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are familiar in the crime genre, the snappy dialogue and overlapping conversations add a fresh and energetic approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions create intrigue and tension.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to fit in and gain acceptance among his new criminal colleagues. This reflects his deeper need for belonging and his fear of being an outsider.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prove himself as a capable and reliable member of the criminal crew. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining their trust and respect.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict and tension between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of gaining acceptance from his new criminal colleagues. The audience is unsure how this opposition will play out.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters prepare for a new job and face potential danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters and setting up the next job.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' actions and dialogue create a sense of unpredictability and tension. The audience is unsure how the protagonist will navigate his new criminal environment.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene does not have a strong emotional impact, but it creates intrigue and curiosity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing characters and establishes a sense of tension and danger. The snappy dialogue and overlapping conversations keep the audience's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast-paced and intense atmosphere. The snappy dialogue and concise narrative description keep the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the characters, establishes their relationships, and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The dialogue between the characters is too on-the-nose and expository. For example, when Doc says "He won’t disappoint," it's clear that he's trying to reassure the other characters about Baby's abilities. This type of dialogue is not very engaging or believable, and it can make the scene feel stilted.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. The characters are simply talking about Baby's tinnitus and his music, and there's no sense of tension or drama. This makes the scene feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't learn much about their personalities or motivations, and they all come across as one-dimensional stereotypes. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them or care about what happens to them.
  • The scene is too long and drawn-out. There's a lot of unnecessary dialogue and exposition, and the scene could be trimmed down without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene is written in italics and hard to read.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using exposition to explain the characters' thoughts and feelings, and instead let them reveal themselves through their actions and interactions.
  • Add a clear conflict or goal to the scene. This will give the characters something to strive for and create a sense of tension and drama.
  • Develop the characters more fully. Give them unique personalities and motivations, and make them relatable to the audience.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more concise and engaging. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or exposition, and focus on the essential elements of the story.



Scene 10 -  Planning the Heist: A Team in Tension
27 INT. UNDECORATED WAREHOUSE - LATER 27
Fra




‘Unsquare Dance’ by Dave Brubeck.

Over a strong bass line, hand claps and snare drums -

Doc relates a plan to the four strong team. Some of it is
illustrated on the chalkboard. We see everyone, except Baby,
listen as Doc relays details of masks, timings, routes etc.

Baby sits at the back again. The music in his ears fully drowns
out any dialogue. But he watches their lips.

There is a TOY CAR on the table next to some floorplans. Baby
absent mindedly plays with it as he taps his foot.
26.


The song finishes. Doc finishes. Bats’ hand shoots up.

BATS
I got a question. Tell me why I should
believe Phones over there listened to
a damn word you just said? You go
through the whole play and he ain’t
listening.

DOC
Baby?




AA
BABY
You’re going to hit an armored truck
at Banco Popular in El Monte at 10am
sharp. You have the details of the
route because someone at the depot has




-C
a nasal problem. The bank itself is
right by the 10 so we should be able
to hit a ramp within 60 seconds of
getting out. We also have a diversion
crew, who are going to blow up a bread
truck a ways away, keep the fuzz busy.
att
Dress code is Michael Myers Halloween
masks, but you can’t all buy the masks
at the same time, looks suspicious.
You guys have the switch car all set
nL
up, but you want me to go out to the
long stay parking structure at a
Metrolink and get a ride that stays
colder for longer. Boost a commuter
car, a family car. Something that will
blend into the morning traffic.
li


(beat)
I think something on the heavy side,
nk



case we need to ram the police off the
road. An Escalade, a Yukon, an
Avalanche. Whatever it is, it needs to
be ready for an 8.30 start. In the
Fra




ayem.

Wowed silence.

DOC
That’s my Baby.
Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Doc explains the details of a daring armored truck heist to the team, but is interrupted by Bats who expresses concern about Baby's lack of attention. Despite this tension, Doc calls on Baby to summarize the plan, and Baby rises to the occasion, earning him a new nickname and a renewed sense of trust from the team.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Detailed heist plan
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    This scene is highly engaging and sets up the tension and excitement for the upcoming heist. The use of music and the toy car add interesting visual and auditory elements. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important plot details.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a heist plan being explained in detail is not entirely unique, but the use of music and the toy car as visual and auditory motifs adds a fresh twist.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-developed in this scene as the heist plan is revealed and the stakes are raised. The audience is left eager to see how the plan will unfold.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of planning a heist is a familiar one, the specific details and dialogue are unique to this story. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are distinct and their personalities shine through their interactions. Baby's silent but observant nature, Doc's authoritative presence, and Bats' skepticism add depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    There is a subtle character change in Baby as he speaks up for the first time and confidently delivers the details of the heist plan.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his competence and value to the team. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to explain the details of the heist plan to the team. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 8

    There is a high level of conflict in this scene, primarily between Bats and Baby. Bats' skepticism and Baby's silent defiance create tension.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as Bats challenges the protagonist's credibility and creates a potential obstacle for the success of the heist.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in this scene as the crew prepares for a dangerous heist. The success of the plan and their lives are on the line.

    Story Forward: 9

    This scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing the heist plan and setting up the upcoming action.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a potential conflict between the protagonist and another character, Bats, who questions the protagonist's reliability.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The emotional impact is moderate in this scene. The audience is intrigued by Baby's character and invested in seeing how he will navigate the heist.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals important plot details. The banter between the characters adds tension and showcases their personalities.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and keeps the audience interested in the characters' plans and interactions.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and keeping the audience engaged in the characters' dialogue and actions.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the location, introduces the characters, and then progresses with their dialogue and actions.


    Critique
    • The dialogue is very exposition-heavy and lacks subtext or character development.
    • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
    • The use of music in the scene is not very effective and could be used more sparingly.
    • The scene lacks any real conflict or tension.
    • The characters are not very well-developed and their motivations are not clear.
    • The scene does not advance the plot in any meaningful way.
    • The scene is not very cinematic and could be more visually interesting.
    Suggestions
    • Add more subtext and character development to the dialogue.
    • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
    • Use music more sparingly and only when it is necessary to create a specific mood or atmosphere.
    • Add more conflict or tension to the scene.
    • Develop the characters more by giving them clear motivations and backstories.
    • Advance the plot in a more meaningful way.
    • Make the scene more cinematic by using more interesting camera angles and editing techniques.



    Scene 11 -  Baby's Playful Car Heist
    28 INT. NORTH CORONA METROLINK PARKING STRUCTURE - EARLY MORNING
    28

    ‘Bongolia’ by The Incredible Bongo Band.

    On a bongo roll, we see a windshield POV, as we pull into a
    concrete parking structure and park up in a long stay spot.
    27.


    Shades on, ears in; Baby sits in a 1989 white Toyota Camry. And
    waits for something better.

    Drums kick in. Tempo shifts up. The lot gets busy.

    On every second beat we hear a loud vibraslap and each time
    Baby sizes up another car. Office workers slamming car doors
    and beeping keys in perfect sync with his music.

    We see a silver Infinti dropped off, a blue Accord, a green
    Acura, a silver SmartCar, then bingo. A black Avalanche.




    AA
    The middle aged, middle management AVALANCHE OWNER beeps it
    locked. Then wanders out of the lot, nose in the LA Times.

    On a drum fill, Baby jumps out of his ride, follows.




    -C
    29 EXT. NORTH CORONA METROLINK STATION - CONTINUOUS 29

    A brass riff scores Baby following the Avalanche Owner, copying
    his stride. He follows him onto the train platform. Apes his
    glance to the digital timetable. He even swipes a discarded
    att
    paper to look like a real commuter.

    When the Avalanche Owner reaches the edge of the platform. Baby
    stops, pretending, like his mark, to read the LA Times too. The
    nL
    Avalanche Owner stops to get a coffee from a news stand. Baby
    does too, like a weird echo of Harpo Marx.

    A bongo solo signals the arriving train. Baby waits, lining up
    one door away from the Avalanche Owner. They get on.
    li


    The Avalanche Owner moves inside the carriage, Baby does too
    and KNOCKS RIGHT INTO HIM.
    nk



    BABY
    I’m sorry.
    Fra




    Baby then swiftly moves further down the carriage.

    The breakdown ends with a key change and a whistle blowing.
    Just before the train doors close, Baby slips off again.

    Now a solo sax joins as Baby struts back to the parking
    structure, a swing in his step as the train leaves behind.

    The brass sounds triumphant as Baby Travoltas back into the
    long stay area and right up to his prize.

    The Avalanche. Baby walks up. Whips out the OWNER’S KEYS. Beep
    beeps. Gets in. Pulls out.
    28.
    Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

    Summary Baby, a car thief, follows an unsuspecting Avalanche owner into a Metrolink station, imitating his actions and eventually stealing his car using keys he had previously obtained. The scene is lighthearted and playful, but there is an underlying tension due to the illegal nature of Baby's actions. The scene ends with Baby driving away in the stolen Avalanche.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Tension and suspense
    • Unique concept
    Weaknesses
    • Limited emotional depth

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively establishes the high-stakes nature of the heist and showcases Baby's unique skills and personality. The use of music and sound design adds tension and excitement to the scene. The dialogue and interactions between the characters are engaging and reveal their dynamics.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a skilled getaway driver with tinnitus who relies on music to perform his job is intriguing and adds a unique twist to the heist genre. The scene effectively introduces and establishes this concept.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's preparation for the heist and his successful acquisition of the target vehicle. It effectively sets up the upcoming heist and establishes the tension and conflict between the characters.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a car theft and escape is not entirely unique, the use of music and visual descriptions adds a fresh approach to the familiar situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene are well-developed and distinct. Baby's calm and collected demeanor, Doc's authoritative presence, and the tension between Griff and Baby add depth and intrigue to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for character development and change in Baby as the story progresses.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a better opportunity or escape from his current situation. This reflects his deeper desire for something more fulfilling in life.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to steal the black Avalanche. This reflects the immediate challenge of obtaining a valuable item.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. Baby's internal conflict with his tinnitus and the external conflict between Griff and Baby add tension and drive the plot forward.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of stealing the car without getting caught. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 9

    The scene establishes the high-stakes nature of the heist and the potential consequences for the characters involved. It creates a sense of urgency and tension.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the heist plan, showcasing Baby's skills, and setting up the dynamics between the characters.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist's plan will unfold and whether he will succeed in stealing the car.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene does not focus heavily on emotional impact but rather on building tension and excitement. However, Baby's calm and collected demeanor in high-pressure situations can evoke a sense of admiration and intrigue.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is engaging and reveals the dynamics between the characters. It effectively conveys their personalities and motivations.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of rhythm and movement through the use of music and visual descriptions. The protagonist's goals and actions also create tension and suspense.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of rhythm and building tension. The quick and concise action lines and dialogue keep the scene moving at a fast pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses clear scene headings, concise action lines, and proper dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's goals, and builds tension through a series of actions and events.


    Critique
    • The scene is too long and meandering. It takes several minutes for Baby to follow the Avalanche Owner, copy his actions, and eventually steal the Avalanche. This could be condensed into a much tighter and more suspenseful sequence.
    • The scene lacks conflict. Baby follows the Avalanche Owner without any problems or obstacles. This makes the scene feel flat and uneventful.
    • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. Baby's only line, "I'm sorry," is unconvincing and doesn't add anything to the scene.
    • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Baby simply gets into the Avalanche and drives away. This leaves the viewer feeling cheated and wanting more.
    • The scene is too heavily reliant on music. The bongo solo, brass riff, and sax solo all feel like they're trying to compensate for the lack of action or conflict in the scene.
    Suggestions
    • Condense the scene by cutting out the unnecessary details. For example, you could cut out the part where Baby follows the Avalanche Owner to the coffee stand.
    • Add conflict to the scene by giving Baby some obstacles to overcome. For example, you could have him get lost in the parking structure or have him be chased by security.
    • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. For example, you could have Baby say something like, "Excuse me, sir. I think you dropped your keys." when he bumps into the Avalanche Owner.
    • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. For example, you could have Baby have to hot-wire the Avalanche or have him be chased by the police after he steals it.
    • Use music more sparingly in the scene. The music should support the action and conflict, not overwhelm it.



    Scene 12 -  Baby's High-Stakes Escape in the Avalanche
    30 EXT./INT. BANCO POPULAR/AVALANCHE - LATER THAT MORNING 30

    The Avalanche pulls into a strip mall lot outside the bright
    red facade of a Banco Popular. Parks up.

    Baby is still at the wheel. In the back are Eddie and J.D.
    dressed in black duds. In shotgun and in black is Bats.

    Baby spies, with his little eye, a utility uniformed MARINE
    walk past their car and over to a 1988 Red Toyota Pickup.

    The Marine eyeballs the Avalanche as he gets into his Ford, but




    AA
    Baby’s attention turns to another Ford, the E-350 ARMORED TRUCK
    which pulls up level with a side entrance to the bank.

    Bats breathes deep. Whispers a mantra, half to himself.




    -C
    BATS
    What’s in there is ours. It belongs to
    us. They got our money. Our hard
    earned paper. They snuck in last night
    when we was asleep, took our pants off
    the chair and emptied our wallet. They
    att
    got what is rightfully ours. So let’s
    take it back. What is rightfully ours.

    Baby hits play on an iPod plugged into the Chevy’s stereo.
    nL

    ‘Neat Neat Neat’ by The Damned. A menacing bass riff scores -

    Bats. Pulling on the mask from the movie ‘Halloween’.

    In the back Eddie also pulls on the ‘Halloween’ mask.
    li


    Third up, J.D. pulls on an ‘Austin Powers’ latex face mask.
    nk



    HALLOWEEN 1 (BATS)
    What is that?
    Fra




    AUSTIN POWERS (J.D.)
    What’s what?

    HALLOWEEN 2 (EDDIE)
    Your mask! Doc said Michael Myers.

    AUSTIN POWERS (J.D.)
    This is Mike Myers!

    HALLOWEEN 1 (BATS)
    It should be the ‘Halloween’ mask!

    AUSTIN POWERS (J.D.)
    This is a Halloween mask!
    29.


    HALLOWEEN 1 (BATS)
    You’re gonna stand out.

    AUSTIN POWERS (J.D.)
    From who? Is everyone in this mall
    wearing a Mike Myers mask too?

    HALLOWEEN 2 (EDDIE)
    Michael Myers.

    AUSTIN POWERS (J.D.)
    Whatever dude.




    AA
    Austin Powers goes to open his door when Baby stops them -

    BABY
    Wait. I gotta start the song again.




    -C
    Baby rewinds, plays the intro again. The gang stare like he’s
    insane. When drums kick at the 5 second mark, Baby points.

    BABY (CONT’D)
    Okay go.
    att
    The gang jump out of the Avalanche. Run over to the truck.
    Surprise the Hopper unloading bags from the back doors.
    nL
    Halloween 1 is about to cold cock the Hopper when -

    Baby pulls forward a few feet, blocking his view of the
    violence. He looks dead ahead, retreats into his bubble.
    Chooses not to watch. He lip syncs the first verse -
    li


    THE DAMNED
    “Be a man, can a mystery man. Be a
    nk



    doll, be a baby doll. It can’t be fun
    in any way. There can be found no way
    at all.”
    Fra




    Then on a key change into the chorus, he backs up. Sees two
    Halloweens and Austin Powers, each with a bag running toward.

    Baby can see the Hopper beyond them. Face down on the ground.
    Blood on the concrete. Baby didn’t want to see this. Then-

    Halloween 1 & 2 jump in. Austin Powers lags behind, a klutz.

    BATS
    Fucking move Austin! Move! Use your
    powers of speed!

    Austin (J.D.) finally makes it to the car. And then Baby floors
    it, spins a perfect circle to face the exit. When -
    30.


    The RED PICKUP reverses into their path. Blocking the exit.

    Baby squeals to a halt as the Marine jumps out, pulls a RIFLE
    and opens fire on the Avalanche. Holy shit.

    Baby & Co. Hit the deck. Bullets spiderweb the windshield.

    Slam into reverse. Scream into a J-turn.

    BANG! The Marine takes out the rear window. Glass rains down.

    BANG! The driver of the armored truck is out and firing too.




    AA
    VROOM! Baby floors it. Escapes over a landscaped island.

    In his shaking rear view, Baby can just see the Marine jump
    back into the Red Pickup, as he roars onto -




    -C
    Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

    Summary In the parking lot of Banco Popular, Baby parks the Avalanche as Bats points out their target: an armored truck. Wearing Halloween masks, the gang attacks the Hopper unloading bags from the truck, while Baby focuses on driving. A Marine near a red Toyota pickup blocks their exit and opens fire, leading Baby to escape over a landscaped island. The scene is tense and action-packed, filled with visual elements such as the Avalanche, the armored truck, and the gang's masks. The main conflict arises between Baby and the Marine, ending with Baby's daring escape.
    Strengths
    • Intense action
    • Engaging plot
    • Unique use of masks
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    This scene is highly engaging and thrilling, with intense action and suspense. The use of masks adds a unique and memorable element to the heist. The scene effectively builds tension and showcases Baby's skills as a driver.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a heist involving a skilled getaway driver and a crew wearing masks is well-executed and adds excitement to the scene.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around the heist at the Banco Popular and the subsequent car chase and shootout. It is fast-paced, engaging, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the use of masks and the heist scenario are familiar elements, the specific combination of characters and their dialogue adds a fresh twist to the genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in this scene, particularly Baby, Bats, and the Marine, are well-defined and contribute to the tension and conflict. Baby's calm and focused demeanor stands out.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Baby's calm and focused demeanor showcases his ability to stay composed under pressure.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully complete the heist and take back what is rightfully theirs. This reflects their desire for justice and reclaiming what they believe is theirs.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the Marine and the driver of the armored truck and successfully complete the heist.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is high, with the crew facing off against the Marine and engaging in a shootout. The car chase adds to the intensity and raises the stakes.

    Opposition: 9

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the Marine and the driver of the armored truck pose a significant threat to the protagonist's goals. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are high in this scene, with the crew attempting to rob an armored truck and facing off against the Marine. The intense car chase and shootout add to the high stakes.

    Story Forward: 9

    This scene moves the story forward by showcasing the heist and the crew's escape. It sets up the next phase of the plot and raises the stakes for the characters.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the characters, such as the Marine opening fire on the Avalanche and the pickup truck blocking their escape.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes tension and suspense, but the emotional impact is not as prominent. However, Baby's calm and focused demeanor amidst the chaos adds depth to his character.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in this scene is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. The banter between the characters adds some humor amidst the chaos.

    Engagement: 10

    This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the reader's attention with its fast-paced action and witty dialogue. The tension and excitement of the heist keep the audience hooked.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are tightly woven together to create a sense of urgency.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and builds tension through action and dialogue.


    Critique
    • **The action is unclear and confusing.** It's not clear what the gang's plan is or what they're trying to achieve. The scene jumps from one action to another without providing enough context or explanation.
    • **The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.** The characters' lines sound like they're being read from a script, rather than spoken by real people.
    • **The characters are underdeveloped.** We don't learn anything about the gang's motivations or backstories. As a result, it's difficult to care about them or their actions.
    • **The scene lacks tension.** There's no sense of danger or urgency. The gang's actions seem more like a game than a serious crime.
    • **The ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.** The scene ends with the gang escaping in the Avalanche, but we don't know what happens to them next. This leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and wanting more.
    Suggestions
    • **Clarify the gang's plan and goals.** What are they trying to achieve? Why are they robbing the bank? What are the stakes?
    • **Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.** The characters should sound like real people, not like they're reading from a script.
    • **Develop the characters.** Give the gang members distinct personalities, motivations, and backstories. This will make them more relatable and interesting to the reader.
    • **Increase the tension.** Make the gang's actions more dangerous and urgent. Show them facing real risks and challenges.
    • **Give the scene a satisfying ending.** Resolve the conflict and leave the reader with a sense of closure.



    Scene 13 -  Baby's Intense Escape and the Carjacking of a Blue Accord
    31 EXT. VALLEY BLVD / I-10 - CONTINUOUS 31

    Sweating, Baby speeds out of there. Screams down the shoulder.
    Going 70... 80. The gang in the car have their masks off and
    att
    slump down, out of sight. Bats curses.

    An out of control guitar solo signals the Avalanche joining the
    freeway and swerving wide to occupy the far left lane.
    nL

    BATS
    Diamond lane that shit. We got four.

    Baby holds the gas down, tearing up the far left, swerving only
    to overtake cars observing the speed limit.
    li


    As the guitar solo goes up in register. Bats sees-
    nk



    THE RED FORD PICKUP is behind and gaining. Baby is boxed in by
    rigs. Allowing the Pickup to get close.
    Fra




    BATS (CONT’D)
    Go Baby go!

    Right now. There is nowhere to go. The Pickup closes in, a
    determined Marine at the wheel.

    To the gang’s amazement, The Pickup attempts the PIT maneuver
    (Pursuit Immobilization Technique), tapping the back of the
    Avalanche and sending the gang into a tailspin.

    That would be pretty crazy, if not for what happens next.

    Still boxed in by surrounding rigs, Baby spins the wheel and
    turns the fishtailing Avalanche around to face front again.
    31.


    Nose forward, Baby floors it, snakes in between the rigs in a
    hairy move, just missing them both.

    It is some fancy ass driving. Though Baby looks shaken.

    The Pickup is left on the scorching hot 10, as the Avalanche
    swerves hard right and, like that, is gone -


    32 EXT. OFF RAMP - CONTINUOUS 32

    The Avalanche glides fast down the off ramp. But up ahead-




    AA
    A RED LIGHT. Construction. Single lane traffic.

    The music breaks down to the solo bass line. Baby’s car is
    third back from the stop light. Bats motions for them to get




    -C
    out.

    BATS
    New ride.

    Baby unplugs the iPod and jumps out, there is a PAUSE in the
    att
    music. We hear traffic, sirens approach, sounds of unease.

    Bats and Eddie stroll with their bags to the first car at the
    stop. A Blue Accord with a YOUNG MOTHER inside, Bats taps his
    nL
    pistol on the passenger window. The Mother looks stunned.

    YOUNG MOTHER
    I have a child.

    BATS
    li


    Get the fuck out of the car lady.
    nk



    Bats roughly pulls the Mother out and gets the fuck in. Baby
    quickly, instinctively opens the back door. Sees-

    Her YOUNG SON on the backseat. He recognises himself, then
    Fra




    unbuckles and hands the scared kid to his mom at the roadside.

    BATS (CONT’D)
    C’mon pussies. Let’s go go go.

    J.D. is lagging again, having run back to retrieve a gun from
    the Avalanche. Bats mutters again at the gang klutz.

    J.D’s Austin Powers masks FALLS OFF as he races to the Accord.
    He quickly picks it up off the street and jumps in.

    BATS (CONT’D)
    Jesus, Austin!
    32.


    Baby is now in the drivers seat and quickly plugs his iPod into
    this car. We barely miss a bar.

    The light turns magically green. They pull out and drive to -
    Genres: ["Action","Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary In this intense and suspenseful scene, Baby showcases his exceptional driving skills while being pursued by a red Ford pickup truck on Valley Blvd and I-10. He manages to escape by turning the car around and driving between surrounding rigs. Following a red light at a construction site, Bats and Eddie carjack a blue Accord from a young mother, who has a child in the car. Baby quickly transfers his iPod to the new car and they drive off, leaving the young mother and her child behind.
    Strengths
    • Intense car chase sequence
    • Engaging and thrilling
    • Unique use of music and Baby's driving skills
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and thrilling, with a well-executed car chase sequence that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The use of music and Baby's exceptional driving skills add a unique and exciting element to the scene.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a high-speed chase and the use of Baby's driving skills and tinnitus as key elements in the scene are well-executed and contribute to the overall excitement and tension.

    Plot: 8

    The plot of the scene revolves around the gang's escape after a bank heist and their encounter with a determined Marine during a high-speed chase. The plot is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a car chase and escape is a familiar trope in action films, the specific actions and maneuvers performed by the protagonist, such as turning the fishtailing Avalanche around to face front again, add a fresh and unique element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters in the scene, particularly Baby and Bats, have distinct personalities and contribute to the tension and conflict. However, there is limited character development in this particular scene.

    Character Changes: 6

    There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is primarily on the action and tension of the high-speed chase.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the pursuing red Ford pickup and ensure the safety of himself and his gang members. This goal reflects Baby's deeper need for freedom, as well as his fear of getting caught or harmed.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the pursuing red Ford pickup and reach their destination safely. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, which include being boxed in by rigs and the pickup attempting the PIT maneuver.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, with the gang being pursued by the police and facing obstacles during the high-speed chase. The tension and stakes are consistently high throughout the scene.

    Opposition: 9

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is pursued by a determined Marine driving a red Ford pickup. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this obstacle and escape.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the gang being pursued by the police and facing the threat of capture or death. The intense car chase and the determination of the Marine raise the stakes even further.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward, as it showcases the gang's escape after the bank heist and sets up the next phase of their criminal activities.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and maneuvers by the protagonist, such as turning the fishtailing Avalanche around to face front again. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold and whether the protagonist will successfully escape.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene evokes a sense of excitement and anxiety in the audience, but there are limited emotional moments or character development.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. There are no standout lines or memorable dialogue exchanges.

    Engagement: 10

    This scene is engaging because it is filled with action, suspense, and high stakes. The fast-paced writing style and intense situation keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick progression of events and the sense of urgency created by the writing style enhance the impact of the action and suspense.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, which is an action sequence. It effectively builds tension and suspense through the progression of events, leading to a climax and resolution.


    Critique
    • The scene starts off with a bang as Baby speeds out of the bank parking lot, pursued by the police. The action is fast-paced and exciting, and the reader is immediately drawn into the story.
    • The dialogue between Baby and the gang members is realistic and believable, and it helps to establish their characters and motivations.
    • The scene builds to a climax as Baby is forced to make a daring escape from the police. The action is well- choreographed and suspenseful, and the reader is left on the edge of their seat.
    • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, as Baby and the gang make their getaway. This leaves the reader wanting more and eager to find out what happens next.
    • However, the scene could be improved by adding more details to the setting. The reader is not given a clear sense of where the action is taking place, and this can make it difficult to visualize the scene.
    • Additionally, the scene could be more focused by removing some of the unnecessary dialogue. This would help to keep the pace of the scene moving and would make it more concise.
    • Overall, this is a well-written and exciting scene that effectively introduces the characters and sets up the story. With a few minor tweaks, it could be even more effective.
    Suggestions
    • Add more details to the setting to help the reader visualize the scene.
    • Remove some of the unnecessary dialogue to keep the pace of the scene moving.
    • Consider adding a twist to the ending of the scene to leave the reader wanting more.



    Scene 14 -  Baby's Anxiety Grows as He Loses Another Ride
    33 EXT. ROSEMEAD SHOPPING CENTER - CONTINUOUS 33

    Baby eases this unplanned ride into a shopping center parking
    lot. The GPS is going crazy (all in time with the music)

    FEMALE GPS VOICE




    AA
    Route recalculation...

    Baby glides past an oblivious Black & White that is on its way
    out of the huge mall.




    -C
    When the cruiser is out of sight, Baby swerves hard and heads
    for their target, a quiet access street behind a Target.

    They pull up next to a 2005 SILVER SATURN AURA parked in the
    shadow of the morning sun.
    att
    On the final chorus, drums drive up the energy as our gang jump
    out and slip into their third ride of the day.

    We’re back to something like clockwork. The hi hats blending
    nL
    into white noise as Baby slams into drive, peels out and -


    34 EXT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3 - LATER 34

    Pulls up to a sharp stop back at Doc’s. Baby got the gang out
    li


    of a mess. But he is not as calm as before, he’s sweating.
    nk



    BATS
    Man up, Baby.
    (jumps out)
    And go get the fucking coffee.
    Fra




    We hear the ‘Harlem Shuffle’ intro again. But this time -


    35 EXT. DOWNTOWN BUSINESS DISTRICT - MOMENTS LATER 35

    It’s a cover by ‘The Foundations’. And it’s a faster tempo.

    Equally, Baby performs his coffee run at speed. But he’s not
    strutting this time. He’s not enjoying himself. At all.
    33.


    36 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - LATER 36

    Doc divides up the take in front of the gang. Baby walks back
    in, handing out black coffees. To Doc, to Eddie, to Bats, to...

    Baby looks for the missing team member. Doc catches it.

    DOC
    Where’s J.D.?

    Eddie sips at his coffee. Bats sits back and stretches.




    AA
    BATS
    The International Man of Mystery?

    Bats lifts up the Austin Powers mask, puppeteering it with two
    fingers through the eyes and his thumb through the mouth.




    -C
    BATS (CONT’D)
    Beats me.

    Bats grins at Baby like a naughty schoolkid.
    att
    37 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3. DAY 37

    PING. Baby exits the elevator with Doc. Both carry holdalls.
    nL

    Baby walks over to the Silver Aura. Stares at the trunk. But
    doesn’t dare open it. We see a SMUDGE OF BLOOD on the latch.

    Stay on Baby. Mesmerized. Horrified. Doc takes Baby’s Holdall
    from his hands. Gives him a stack of bills in return.
    li


    DOC
    nk



    You’re nearly done Baby.

    BABY
    Yeah...
    Fra




    DOC
    One more job though. Lose this ride.

    SLAM. Baby shuts the door, sits in the car. Alone.


    38 EXT. JUNK YARD - DAY 38

    A slowed down version of Carla Thomas’ ‘B-A-B-Y’ starts.

    Baby watches his former ride (the Aura) and former colleague
    (J.D.), about to be destroyed in a car wrecker.
    34.


    A hydraulic plate presses. The windows explode. Baby turns,
    equally crushed, as the song drowns out the CRUNCHING METAL.

    He closes his eyes.

    FLASHBACK: A HIGH PITCHED WHINE ON SOUNDTRACK

    In reverse we see the CRUNCHING METAL of a car slamming into
    the back of a pick up truck. Then see in reverse-

    - The man shouting. The crying woman driving. The busy road.




    AA
    - We see a Young Baby sitting in an apartment we haven’t seen.
    Standing over him, the Man & Woman from the previous flashback.

    - Eyes closed, Young Baby opens a hastily wrapped gift. He
    opens his eyes to see a new iPod. The one we saw earlier,




    -C
    unbroken.

    - Young Baby peers through a bedroom door. Sees the Man & Woman
    argue violently. Listens to the iPod to drown out the fight.

    - Young Baby hides under his comforter. His mother leans over
    att
    him. Her mascara has run. She takes out one of Baby’s
    earphones, says ‘Hey Baby’. Young Baby closes his eyes. The
    WHINE peaks.
    nL

    39 INT. HALF EMPTY DINER - DAY 39

    Baby opens his eyes. He sits in his usual spot. Sans shades.
    Retreats into a happy song (’Lalo Bossa Nova’ by Quincy Jones).
    li


    A finger clicks in front of his face. She’s here. His waitress.
    nk



    WAITRESS
    You’re back.

    Baby doesn’t catch this. She takes one of his earphones out.
    Fra




    WAITRESS (CONT’D)
    You’re back.

    Baby is not sure whether he’s dreaming or not.

    BABY
    I am?

    WAITRESS
    Yeah you are. And you sir are going to
    be my last customer because I am
    walking outta that door in precisely
    30 seconds.
    35.


    BABY
    You’re leaving?

    WAITRESS
    Yes I am.

    BABY
    Can I come with you?

    WAITRESS
    You can. But I don’t know how exciting
    you’re gonna find the laundromat.




    AA
    Baby is confused.

    WAITRESS (CONT’D)
    I gotta run some errands. So can I get




    -C
    you a drink instead?

    BABY
    Oh, I don’t drink.

    WAITRESS
    att
    No, I mean water, coffee?

    BABY
    I don’t drink.
    nL

    Another pause. The waitress breaks into a cute grin.

    WAITRESS
    Well you might not drink sir, but I am
    sure getting a buzz off you.
    li


    BABY
    nk



    Yeah?

    WAITRESS
    Yeah. Tell you what, you have a think
    Fra




    about what you want, and I will stick
    around and wait for you.

    BABY
    You will?

    WAITRESS
    Yessir.

    Baby glances at the menu, but can’t stop watching the Waitress,
    who small-talks with a Second Bored Waitress.

    SECOND WAITRESS
    How you two getting along?
    36.


    The Waitress grins. Baby loses himself in that sunny smile.

    WAITRESS
    Oh, good. He’s sweet isn’t he?

    SECOND WAITRESS
    That kid’s been coming here since
    before me. I think maybe his mom used
    to work here.

    WAITRESS
    Huh...




    AA
    The song fades in Baby’s ears. The waitress comes back.

    WAITRESS (CONT’D)
    You know what you want?




    -C
    BABY
    Your name?

    This is not as smooth as it sounds.
    att
    WAITRESS
    You can get that for free. It’s
    Debbie. Debora.
    nL
    BABY
    Like the song?

    DEBORA
    The Beck one? Yes, except I’m ‘d-e-b-o-
    r-a’ and I think that’s just ‘d-e-b-r-
    li


    a’.
    nk



    BABY
    I don’t know it.

    DEBORA
    Fra




    It goes-
    (sings just beautifully)
    ‘I met you at J.C. Penny, I think your
    nametag, said Jenny’.

    BABY
    Jenny?

    DEBORA
    Yeah, the song is about him wanting to
    get with Jenny and her sister too,
    whose name is Debra. So it’s not even
    really about me, it’s about the
    sister. My sister’s name is Mary.

    (MORE)
    37.

    DEBORA (CONT'D)
    She’s got all the songs. ‘Mary, Mary
    where you going to’, ‘Proud Mary keep
    on burning’, ‘Mary, you shouldn’t let
    ‘em make you mad’. She’s got me beat.
    Again. She’s got endless songs. I got
    one.

    BABY
    Two.

    DEBORA
    What’s the other one?




    AA
    BABY
    Debora.

    DEBORA




    -C
    Who by?

    BABY
    Trex?

    DEBORA
    att
    T-Rex? I know ‘em, but I don’t know
    that one. How does it go?

    BABY
    nL
    (half sings)
    Deboree-dah. Deboree-dah. Bee-dah.

    DEBORA
    I like it so far.
    li


    BABY
    Oh Deb-o-rah, always look like a zeb-o-
    nk



    rah.

    DEBORA
    A zeb-orah?
    Fra




    BABY
    A zeebra.

    DEBORA
    Hey, I guess I am wearing black and
    white. So you can call me Dee-bra.

    BABY
    I have it on here.

    Baby takes out his iPod and shuffles through in front of her.
    Debora notices that it is pink and covered in glitter.
    38.


    DEBORA
    You have that iPod the other day?

    BABY
    No.

    DEBORA
    You have different color iPods for
    different days, different moods?

    BABY
    I guess.




    AA
    DEBORA
    This a pink and glittery day for you?

    BABY




    -C
    Uh. Yeah.

    Debora laughs again. This kid is a kook.

    DEBORA
    What is your name?
    att
    BABY
    Baby.
    nL
    DEBORA
    Your name is ‘Baby’? ‘B-A-B-Y, Baby’?

    BABY
    Yeah.
    li


    DEBORA
    Well then you have us all beat. Every
    nk



    song is about you!

    BABY
    I guess.
    Fra




    DEBORA
    Did your Mom call you Baby?

    BABY
    ...Sometimes.

    DEBORA
    She used to work here?

    BABY
    Sometimes. She was a singer too.
    39.


    DEBORA
    Oh wow. I like to think I can sing.
    But I am not a pro or anything. What
    does she do now?

    BABY
    Nothing...

    Baby is looking flustered. He holds up the iPod again.

    BABY (CONT’D)
    I can find ‘Debora’ if you want.




    AA
    Debora pauses, smiles sweetly at him.

    DEBORA
    How about you play it for me sometime




    -C
    when I don’t gotta rush off. Deal?

    BABY
    Deal.

    DEBORA
    att
    Now you know what you want yet?

    Baby knows what he wants. Her.
    nL
    Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

    Summary Baby and his gang successfully evade the police and switch to a third car, but Baby becomes increasingly anxious when he realizes that J.D. is missing. Doc divides up the take from their heist, and Baby is tasked with losing this ride. In a junkyard, Baby watches as his former ride and colleague are destroyed. Meanwhile, Baby shares a moment of connection with a waitress named Debora, who becomes smitten with him. The scene takes place in various locations, including an underground parking lot, a diner, and a junkyard. The main conflict in this scene is Baby's growing anxiety about their heists and his missing colleague, which are not resolved. The tone of this scene is tense and anxious, with moments of levity and connection between Baby and Debora.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Chemistry between characters
    • Effective use of music
    Weaknesses
    • Limited conflict
    • Lack of high stakes

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    This scene is highly engaging and effectively establishes the romantic subplot between Baby and Debora. The use of music and the chemistry between the characters adds depth and intrigue to the overall story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a young getaway driver falling in love with a waitress adds a layer of complexity to the story and creates opportunities for character development and conflict.

    Plot: 8

    The plot in this scene focuses on Baby's growing connection with Debora and his desire to escape his life of crime. It sets up future conflicts and raises questions about Baby's loyalty to his criminal associates.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situations and challenges faced by the protagonist are familiar in the heist genre, the incorporation of music and the unique voice of the writer add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in this scene, particularly Baby and Debora, are well-developed and have distinct personalities. Their chemistry and interactions drive the emotional impact of the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Baby experiences a subtle change in this scene as he begins to question his criminal lifestyle and opens himself up to the possibility of love and redemption.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and hide his anxiety, despite the challenges he is facing. This reflects his deeper need for control and his fear of failure.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to complete a coffee run for his gang. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing as a getaway driver.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 6

    While there is some tension and conflict in this scene, particularly between Baby and his criminal associates, the focus is more on the budding romance between Baby and Debora.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles, such as the missing team member and the emotional toll of his actions. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 6

    While there is some risk involved in Baby's criminal activities, the focus of this scene is more on the emotional stakes of his budding relationship with Debora.

    Story Forward: 8

    This scene moves the story forward by establishing the romantic subplot and Baby's desire to escape his life of crime. It sets up future conflicts and raises questions about Baby's loyalty.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the missing team member and the protagonist's emotional reaction, which adds complexity to the story.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement during the car chase to tenderness during Baby and Debora's conversation. The use of music enhances the emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in this scene is natural and engaging. It effectively conveys the growing attraction between Baby and Debora and reveals important information about their backgrounds.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, creates tension and suspense through the fast-paced action, and establishes a connection between the protagonist and the waitress.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and maintaining the audience's interest. The fast-paced action and dialogue keep the scene moving forward.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses the plot.


    Critique
    • The scene starts off with a lot of action and movement, with Baby and the gang pulling into their third ride of the day. This is a great way to keep the reader engaged and excited, and it also helps to create a sense of urgency and suspense.
    • The dialogue between Baby and the Waitress is well-written and believable. It's clear that Baby is attracted to her, and he's trying to find a way to connect with her.
    • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, with Baby asking the Waitress to play 'Debora' for him sometime. This leaves the reader wanting more and wondering what will happen next.
    • It can be confusing and difficult to follow, with many characters and events introduced without enough context or explanation. The reader may feel lost or overwhelmed, especially if they are not familiar with the previous scenes.
    • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow, and there are some parts that could be cut or shortened to improve the flow.
    • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural in places, and it doesn't always feel like real people talking.
    • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters in any significant way. It mostly just serves to introduce the Waitress and establish her relationship with Baby.
    Suggestions
    • Add more context and explanation to the beginning of the scene, so that the reader can understand what's going on and who the characters are.
    • Cut or shorten some of the unnecessary dialogue and action, to improve the pacing of the scene.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
    • Consider adding some more character development or plot advancement to the scene, to make it more substantial.



    Scene 15 -  Baby's Infatuation: Longing for Debora
    40 EXT./INT. HALF EMPTY DINER/AVALANCHE - MOMENTS LATER 40

    ‘Debora’ by T-Rex.

    Baby sits in a Red Chrysler Lebaron singing along. Loudly. Out
    li


    of his window, he sees the real Debora leave work.
    nk



    She briefly shoots a look Baby’s way. He ducks.


    41 INT. BABY’S BATHROOM - EVENING 41
    Fra




    ...then resurfaces wet to sing along with ‘Debora’. Again.

    Baby is in the bath. The song echoes around the tiles. It is
    being played on a battered iPod speaker dock. Baby goofs around
    to the track in the bath, in his own mini musical.


    42 INT. BARE APARTMENT - LATER 42

    ‘Debora’ still plays. Baby dances around the living room.
    40.


    The Elderly Man is in his chair, looking more and more like a
    piece of the furniture. He watches the local news again with
    subtitles. We see that THE MARINE is being interviewed when -

    Baby switches the channels to ‘Jeopardy’.

    Then Baby resumes singing with ‘Debora’ again, leading into a -

    ‘DEBORA’ ON REPEAT MONTAGE: The song scores Baby’s night.

    - Baby flicks through an address book. Empty except for ‘D’. We
    see ‘DOC’ and his phone number written in a scrawl.




    AA
    - Baby adds the name ‘Debora’. Under, he draws a question mark.

    - Baby plays dialogue on his recorder in time with ‘Debora’.




    -C
    BABY (ON TAPE)
    Can I come with you?

    DEBORA (ON TAPE)
    Yes, you can.
    att
    VEEEEEP. He rewinds this. Plays it again.

    - Baby uses a twin deck cassette recorder to edit dialogue. We
    see stacks of TDK D90s and TDK D30s audio tapes.
    nL

    - Using the pause, play and record buttons on the twin deck, he
    has edited a conversation with Debora to say -

    DEBORA (ON TAPE) (CONT’D)
    Sometimes I’d like to just take off.
    li


    BABY (ON TAPE)
    nk



    Can I come with you?

    DEBORA (ON TAPE)
    Yessir. I got all the time in the
    Fra




    world.

    - Baby sits back in a chair and listens to this dialogue on a
    loop. It’s now the dead of night. He is alone when -

    The phone rings. FLASHES. Baby stares. Doesn’t pick up.

    - Baby sits on the bathroom floor. He lip syncs along to
    ‘Debora’ with gusto, as if driving other concerns out.

    - Baby peers back into the main room. Two things.

    One. Sunlight floods in. He has clearly not slept again.
    41.


    Two. The phone is still FLASHING. Baby doesn’t pick up.

    - Baby sits at his bedroom window, looks out at the city.
    Mouthing along with ‘Debora’ again.

    - The phone FLASHES again. Baby is not present. We see the
    Elderly Man rise slowly out of his chair to answer.

    Baby runs out of the bedroom. Motions ‘No’. Stops him.

    He watches the phone FLASH. ‘Debora’ echoes around the room.




    AA
    Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

    Summary Baby, the protagonist, listens to 'Debora' by T-Rex and sings along, watching the real Debora leave work from a distance. He edits a conversation with Debora on his tape recorder and plays it on loop, lip syncing to the song and avoiding the ringing phone. The elderly man tries to answer the phone but is stopped by Baby. The scene ends with Baby watching the phone flash and 'Debora' echoing in the room, highlighting his continued longing for connection.
    Strengths
    • Strong character development
    • Effective use of music and montage
    • Engaging and memorable
    Weaknesses
    • Low level of external conflict
    • Limited dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    This scene is highly engaging and memorable, with a strong focus on Baby's character development and emotional journey. The use of music and montage adds depth and visual interest to the scene.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of using a song as a central theme and exploring Baby's connection to it is innovative and adds a unique layer to the story. The scene effectively conveys Baby's longing for connection and escape through the song.

    Plot: 7

    The plot in this scene revolves around Baby's obsession with the song 'Debora' and his growing connection to the character of the same name. It serves as a catalyst for his actions and motivations throughout the film.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the use of music as a storytelling device is not entirely unique, the specific song choices and the protagonist's interactions with the music add a fresh approach to familiar situations. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in this scene, particularly Baby, are well-developed and engaging. Baby's obsession with the song and his interactions with the Elderly Man and Debora showcase his complex personality and emotional journey.

    Character Changes: 7

    Baby undergoes a subtle change in this scene, as his obsession with the song 'Debora' and his connection to the character of the same name deepen. This sets the stage for his character arc throughout the film.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a connection and escape from his current life. He is drawn to the character of Debora and wants to be with her. This reflects his deeper need for love and companionship, as well as his desire to break free from his criminal lifestyle.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined. It seems to be focused on his interactions with Debora and his desire to be with her, but there are no immediate circumstances or challenges that he is facing.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 5

    The conflict in this scene is relatively low, with the focus being more on Baby's internal struggle and emotional journey. The tension comes from Baby's desire for connection and escape, which is contrasted with his current criminal lifestyle.

    Opposition: 5

    The opposition in this scene is not strong. There are no significant obstacles or challenges that the protagonist faces. The focus is more on his internal desires and goals.

    High Stakes: 4

    The stakes in this scene are relatively low, with the focus being more on Baby's internal struggle and emotional journey. The tension comes from his desire for connection and escape, rather than immediate danger or conflict.

    Story Forward: 6

    While this scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward, it does provide important insight into Baby's character and motivations. It sets up his relationship with Debora and foreshadows his desire for a different life.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the character of Debora and hints at a potential romantic connection between her and the protagonist. The audience is left wondering how this relationship will develop and what obstacles they may face.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene. The focus is more on the protagonist's personal desires and goals rather than conflicting value systems.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    This scene has a high emotional impact, as it delves into Baby's longing for connection and escape. The use of music and montage adds to the emotional resonance of the scene.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in this scene is minimal but effective. The use of recorded dialogue and the repetition of lines from the song 'Debora' adds depth and meaning to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it combines visual and auditory elements to create a dynamic and immersive experience for the reader. The protagonist's actions and reactions to the music, as well as the use of specific songs, keep the reader invested in the scene.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of action and reflection. The use of music and the protagonist's interactions with it create a rhythm that keeps the scene engaging.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 8

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting to convey the necessary information to the reader.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the protagonist's internal goals, and progresses the narrative through a series of actions and reactions.


    Critique
    • The scene is repetitive and lacks a clear purpose. It consists of several short shots of Baby singing and dancing to the song 'Debora' in different locations, but these shots do not add up to a coherent narrative.
    • The scene is also too long and drawn out. The same song is repeated over and over again, and the shots of Baby singing and dancing become repetitive and tedious.
    • The dialogue is minimal and does not contribute to the development of the plot or characters.
    • The scene does not advance the story in any meaningful way. It is simply a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
    • The scene is also not visually interesting. The shots are static and uninspired, and there is little movement or action to keep the viewer engaged.
    Suggestions
    • Cut the scene entirely. It is not necessary for the story and it does not add anything to the film.
    • If you want to keep the scene, shorten it significantly and make it more focused. Cut out the repetitive shots and focus on the most important moments.
    • Add more dialogue to the scene to develop the characters and advance the plot.
    • Make the scene more visually interesting by using more dynamic camera work and editing.



    Scene 16 -  Baby's Diner Dilemma
    43 EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY 43

    Baby comes bounding out of his block. He gets into his Red
    Chrysler Lebaron and peels out. He doesn’t see-




    -C
    A BLACK MERC behind him. It follows slowly.


    44 INT. HALF EMPTY DINER - DAY 44
    att
    ‘I Can’t Believe What You Say’ by Ike & Tina Turner.

    Baby is happy to be back. Upbeat music on. His shades are off.
    Has the pink iPod with him. He looks out of the window-
    nL

    He imagines himself and The Waitress as a young couple in a 50’s
    convertible at the lights. Smiling, laughing. Then he hears-

    DEBORA
    Hey Baby.
    li


    She’s here. The dream come true.
    nk



    BABY
    Hey Debora. I’m back.
    Fra




    DEBORA
    I can see. What’s up?

    BABY
    You know... just listening.

    DEBORA
    Well, what you listening to?

    BABY
    Music.

    DEBORA
    Well, duh.
    42.


    Baby smarts a little at this. Debora stops herself.

    DEBORA (CONT’D)
    Wait, I take that back. I guess not
    everyone listens to music. Could be a
    podcast or an audiobook. Hell, I get
    to sleep listening to whale song.
    Never even seen a whale but I sleep
    with one.

    BABY
    It’s music.




    AA
    Baby offers up his iPod. She reads the display.

    DEBORA
    Ike and Tina Turner huh?




    -C
    BABY
    You like ‘em?

    DEBORA
    Half. Like Tina. Don’t like Ike. He’s
    att
    a bad man. Don’t like bad men.

    BABY
    You don’t?
    nL

    DEBORA
    Why, do you?

    BABY
    No. I don’t.
    li


    Baby then sees. Outside the diner. For real. DOC. Patiently
    nk



    waiting outside his Black Merc.

    DEBORA (O.S.)
    I don’t need bad people in my life. Or
    Fra




    my ears. I’ll stick with the whale.

    Debora sees she has lost Baby’s attention.

    DEBORA (CONT’D)
    Is that your Dad?

    BABY
    No. It isn’t.

    Baby just stares out the window. Debora notes his unease.
    43.


    DEBORA
    Hey, why don’t I give you a minute to
    decide.

    Baby pauses his music. We hear that FAINT UNSETTLING HUM.
    Genres: ["Crime","Romance"]

    Summary Baby, the skilled getaway driver, meets Debora, a diner waitress, and they bond over their shared love for music. However, their conversation is cut short when Baby spots Doc, his father figure and criminal mentor, waiting outside. Torn between his loyalty to Doc and his growing feelings for Debora, Baby becomes visibly uncomfortable, and the scene ends with him pausing his music, allowing the faint unsettling hum to return. The main conflict of the scene revolves around Baby's internal struggle, as he tries to reconcile his two worlds without causing harm to those he cares about.
    Strengths
    • Effective establishment of Baby's routine and unease
    • Intriguing introduction of Debora as a potential romantic interest
    • Natural dialogue that establishes character personalities
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of significant conflict and emotional impact
    • Limited character development for supporting characters

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 8

    The scene effectively establishes Baby's return to his normal routine and introduces the character of Debora, creating intrigue and setting up a potential romantic subplot. The use of music and the contrast between Baby's happy exterior and his unease add depth to the scene. However, the scene could benefit from more conflict and emotional impact to further engage the audience.


    Story Content

    Concept: 7

    The concept of Baby's love for music and his connection with Debora is intriguing and sets up a potential conflict between his criminal life and his desire for a normal relationship. However, the concept could be further developed to create more tension and stakes.

    Plot: 7

    The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's encounter with Debora and the introduction of a potential romantic interest. While it effectively establishes this subplot, the scene could benefit from more development and progression of the overall plot.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar, the dialogue and character interactions bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in this scene, particularly Baby and Debora, are well-defined and engaging. Baby's love for music and his underlying unease are effectively portrayed, while Debora's curiosity and interest in Baby create intrigue. The scene could benefit from further development of the supporting characters.

    Character Changes: 5

    There is minimal character change in this scene, with Baby's unease and potential romantic interest being established. More significant character changes could be introduced to add depth and progression to the story.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with Debora and maintain a sense of normalcy in his life. This reflects his deeper need for love, companionship, and stability.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid getting caught by the Black Merc following him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to protect himself and those he cares about.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 5

    The conflict in this scene is relatively low, with the main tension arising from Baby's unease and the potential conflict between his criminal life and his desire for a normal relationship. More conflict could be introduced to increase the stakes and engage the audience.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create a sense of conflict and uncertainty. The presence of the Black Merc and the conflicting views on bad people challenge Baby's beliefs and values.

    High Stakes: 4

    The stakes in this scene are relatively low, with the main tension arising from Baby's unease and the potential conflict between his criminal life and his desire for a normal relationship. Higher stakes could be introduced to increase the tension and engagement.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the potential romantic subplot and establishing Baby's unease. However, more significant plot developments could be introduced to further advance the story.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the Black Merc following Baby, creating uncertainty about his safety and the direction of the story. The conversation between Baby and Debora also adds unpredictability by revealing their conflicting views on bad people.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Baby and Debora's views on bad people. Debora believes in avoiding bad people, while Baby is conflicted about his own association with bad people due to his involvement in criminal activities.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 6

    The scene has some emotional impact, particularly in Baby's unease and the potential romantic connection with Debora. However, there could be more emotional depth and intensity to further engage the audience.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in this scene is natural and helps to establish the characters' personalities and their potential connection. However, there could be more depth and complexity in the dialogue to further engage the audience.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and tension with the presence of the Black Merc following Baby. The dialogue between Baby and Debora also creates a connection between the characters and keeps the audience interested in their relationship.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing the moments of tension and the lighter conversation between Baby and Debora. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of rhythm.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters, and progresses the conversation in a logical manner.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Baby coming out of his apartment block and getting into his car. This is a good way to establish the setting and introduce the main character. However, the scene quickly cuts to a black Merc following Baby, which is a bit confusing and doesn't add much to the story.
    • The scene then cuts to the interior of the diner, where Baby is talking to Debora. This is a nice scene, and it's good to see Baby interacting with another character. However, the dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. For example, Debora's line "Well, duh" is a bit too sarcastic and doesn't really fit with the tone of the scene.
    • The scene then cuts back to the exterior of the diner, where Doc is waiting outside in his car. This is a bit of a confusing transition, and it's not clear why Doc is there. Is he waiting for Baby? Is he following him? The scene doesn't really make it clear.
    • The scene then cuts back to the interior of the diner, where Debora is talking to Baby about bad people. This is a nice scene, and it's good to see Baby opening up to Debora. However, the scene is a bit too long, and it starts to drag a bit.
    • The scene ends with Baby pausing his music and hearing that faint unsettling hum. This is a good way to end the scene, and it leaves the reader with a sense of foreboding.
    Suggestions
    • Cut the scene of the black Merc following Baby. It's not necessary and it doesn't add anything to the story.
    • Rewrite the dialogue in the diner scene to make it more natural. For example, Debora's line "Well, duh" could be changed to something like "Oh, I see what you mean."
    • Make the transition between the exterior and interior of the diner smoother. For example, you could add a line of dialogue from Baby as he enters the diner, such as "Hey, Debora. I'm back."
    • Shorten the diner scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue. For example, you could cut out Debora's line about sleeping with a whale.
    • Add a line of dialogue from Doc at the end of the scene to make it clear why he is there. For example, he could say something like "Baby, I need to talk to you."



    Scene 17 -  Baby's New Job Opportunity and Uncertain Future
    45 EXT. DINER PARKING LOT / INT. DINER - DAY 45

    Baby walks up to Doc. Shades firmly on. The hum continues.

    DOC




    AA
    I called three times. Something wrong?

    BABY
    No...




    -C
    DOC
    What’s with you all of a sudden? You
    sweet on that waitress or something?

    BABY
    No...
    att
    DOC
    Well, there’s good news and there’s
    good news. Good news is you’re paid in
    nL
    full. We’re all square. And then the
    good news is I got another job for ya.
    So maybe if you wanna get your
    waitress girlfriend there a rock or
    some fur, you’re gonna get a fat cut.
    li


    BABY
    She’s not my girlfriend...
    nk



    DOC
    ...So, you in?
    Fra




    BABY
    Am I in?

    DOC
    One, don’t reply to my question with a
    question. Two, I ain’t in the habit of
    taking no for an answer. So, get in.
    I’m driving.

    Doc opens the passenger door. From inside, DEBORA puzzles at
    this well dressed older man opening the door for Baby.

    Baby looks at Debora one last time, takes a breath. Then jumps
    into the passenger seat. They disappear.
    44.


    46 INT. DOC’S MERC - LATER 46

    ‘Here We Go’ by Mister Scruff.

    Doc drives the Merc down a street with palm trees on either
    side. But this is not Sunset Boulevard. It’s Watts. Baby looks
    out of the window. His stomach sinking.

    DOC
    You’re not going to ask why?

    BABY
    Why?

    DOC
    Why I’m driving?

    BABY
    Why are you driving?

    DOC
    What I’m alluding to Baby, is that you
    don’t have to drive forever. You
    haven’t done me wrong yet, have you?

    BABY
    No.

    DOC
    No you haven’t. I don’t think you have
    the fuck up gene. Not like your dad.

    Baby says nothing.

    DOC (CONT’D)
    You keep going like you’re going, you
    can leave the wheels behind some day.
    How does that sound?

    BABY
    I don’t know sir.

    DOC
    What don’t you know?

    BABY
    I know what I’m good at.

    DOC
    And I ain’t seen you break a sweat
    doing it. I’m just saying, there’s
    other jobs in your future. If you want
    to shift up a gear.
    45.


    Baby looks out of the window. Doc seems offended, then smiles.

    DOC (CONT’D)
    Sure. You can think about it first.
    Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary Baby meets with Doc in a diner parking lot and learns he's paid in full for their previous job, with another opportunity on the table. Baby is unsure about leaving his life of driving behind, despite Doc's assurance. Debora, a waitress, catches Baby's eye, but they ultimately drive off, leaving her behind. The scene is filled with contemplation, uncertainty, and a glimmer of optimism as Baby faces a crossroads in his life.
    Strengths
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Tension between characters
    • Intriguing premise
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and tension between the characters. It effectively sets up the conflict and potential future developments.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of Baby being a skilled getaway driver with a troubled past is intriguing and sets up the premise of the film. The introduction of a new job opportunity adds further intrigue.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's interaction with Doc and the offer of a new job. It effectively advances the overall plot of the film and sets up future events.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist being offered another job by a mentor figure is familiar, the specific dialogue and character dynamics add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby and Doc, are well-developed and their dynamic is interesting. Baby's internal conflict and Doc's mentorship role are compelling.

      Character Changes: 7

      There is some character change in the scene, particularly for Baby as he considers the possibility of leaving his life as a getaway driver behind. However, the change is not significant.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of secrecy and distance from Doc. This reflects Baby's deeper need to protect his personal life and relationships.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to decide whether or not to accept another job from Doc. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges Baby is facing as a getaway driver.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a high level of conflict in the scene, primarily between Baby and Doc. The tension and power dynamics between the characters create a sense of unease and anticipation.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a small obstacle in the form of Doc's offer, it is not extremely difficult to overcome. The audience is unsure of how Baby will respond, adding some tension.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes are high in the scene as Baby is faced with the decision of whether to continue his life as a getaway driver or pursue a different path. The potential consequences are significant.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new job opportunity for Baby and further developing his relationship with Doc. It sets up future events and raises anticipation.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Baby will respond to Doc's offer. There is a sense of uncertainty and tension in the air.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene elicits some emotional impact through the tension and conflict between the characters. Baby's internal struggle and desire for a different life can resonate with the audience.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It effectively conveys tension and conflict.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a new job opportunity for the protagonist and creates tension through the dialogue between Baby and Doc. The audience is curious to see how Baby will respond and what consequences his decision will have.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm. The dialogue exchanges are well-timed, creating a natural flow of conversation.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and narrative description in the correct format.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by dialogue and character actions, and ends with a transition to the next location.


      Critique
      • The scene is well-written and flows smoothly. It effectively conveys Baby's internal conflict and his relationship with Doc. However, it could be more visually engaging.
      • The dialogue is realistic and believable. However, it could use some more subtext. For instance, the line `I called three times. Something wrong?` could be a way for Doc to express his concern for Baby, rather than just a simple question.
      • The scene could benefit from some more description of the setting. For instance, what does the diner parking lot look like? What kind of car is Doc driving?
      • The scene could be more impactful if it ended with a stronger emotional beat. For instance, Baby could have a moment of realization about his relationship with Doc.
      Suggestions
      • Add more visual description to the scene. For instance, what does the diner parking lot look like? What kind of car is Doc driving?
      • Add more subtext to the dialogue. For instance, the line `I called three times. Something wrong?` could be a way for Doc to express his concern for Baby, rather than just a simple question.
      • Consider adding a stronger emotional beat to the end of the scene. For instance, Baby could have a moment of realization about his relationship with Doc.
      • Consider adding more details that imply the nature of the job that Doc is offering. This will create more tension and stakes for Baby.



      Scene 18 -  Baby's Uneasy Reconnaissance at the Post Office
      47 EXT. US POST OFFICE. WATTS - DAY 47

      Doc pulls into a unremarkable strip mall that houses a post
      office. Construction is occurring nearby. The noise is
      disorienting. It is hot outside. Sticky. Close.




      AA
      DOC
      This place doesn’t get rolled as much
      as you’d think. Most people get scared
      off by the area. But we ain’t most
      people.




      -C
      (looks at watch)
      It will be ripe around this time
      tomorrow. So what do you say? You
      wanna go for third time lucky?

      Baby looks at the immediate area, feels uneasy. Turns to Doc.
      att
      BABY
      Can I just drive? Have my music?
      nL
      Doc looks at him, then shakes his head, smiling.

      DOC
      Sure you can. But I want you to do
      something for me right now. I want you
      to go in there. Make a note of the
      li


      number and position of cameras, the
      number of registers open, number of
      nk



      employees and number of customers. Is
      there a guard? Is he armed? Is there
      bandit glass? You’re not a face so it
      will be cool. Here’s some currency to
      Fra




      get changed. Take your buds out and
      shades off. Less suspicious.

      Baby does so.

      DOC (CONT’D)
      Oh and take him too.

      Doc motions to the backseat. There is an EIGHT YEAR OLD KID
      sitting on the backseat. He has his own phones in, and is
      plugged into his PSP. He throws Baby a bored look.
      46.


      48 INT. US POST OFFICE - DAY 48

      Baby enters the post office. An alien environment to him.

      It’s an impersonal space. Like a bank, but without couches and
      complimentary coffee. A security guard is present. The counter
      is wide open, a heavy door protects the back room.

      Without music playing, we again hear the hum in his ears. It’s
      an unsettling noise that accentuates Baby’s unease. It is also
      intensified by the whine of computers and cameras in the room.




      AA
      Baby cases. He counts the number of cameras (three) and the
      number of registers (six). There are a few (eight) customers
      doing business at the (four) registers open.

      He mouths the numbers. The Kid tugs on Baby’s leg. Whispers.




      -C
      THE KID
      No bandit glass. One guard unarmed,
      three cameras, six registers, two
      open, eight customers, four employees.
      att
      BABY
      Thanks.

      They wait in line. The kid continues playing on his PSP.
      nL

      BABY (CONT’D)
      You okay?

      KID
      I get bored of this.
      li


      BABY
      nk



      Yeah. Me too.

      Baby reaches his TELLER, a sweet faced lady, some jewelry,
      personal flare, a small crucifix. He hands her some pesos.
      Fra




      NICE LADY TELLER
      Back from vacation?

      BABY
      Uh. Yeah.

      NICE LADY TELLER
      Oh it would be real nice to get away.
      With all this heat.

      BABY
      Yes, ma’am.
      47.


      NICE LADY TELLER
      How old is your boy?

      BABY
      Four?

      THE KID
      Eight.

      BABY
      They grow up so fast.




      AA
      The Teller is bemused. She hands back some dollars.

      NICE LADY TELLER
      Does he have a name?




      -C
      BABY
      You do don’t you?

      THE KID
      Samm.
      att
      NICE LADY TELLER
      Well Samm. I have a mint with your
      name on it.
      nL
      The Teller passes a mint across, smiling sweetly.

      BABY
      Thank you.

      Baby has a sudden flicker of concern. Politely asks.
      li


      BABY (CONT’D)
      nk



      Are you here tomorrow?

      NICE LADY TELLER
      Sure am. Workin’ 9 to 5. Just like
      Fra




      Dolly.

      BABY
      Dolly?

      NICE LADY TELLER
      Dolly Parton. ‘9 to 5’.

      BABY
      Oh yeah. I like Dolly.
      48.


      NICE LADY TELLER
      Who doesn’t? ‘Everybody wants
      happiness, nobody wants pain, but you
      can’t have a rainbow without a
      little rain’. Wise lady.

      BABY
      She is.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Doc and Baby, accompanied by a helpful eight-year-old kid, case a post office in Watts as a potential site for a heist. Baby, who feels uneasy about the plan, interacts with a kind teller and learns her schedule for the next day. The scene ends with Baby, Doc, and the kid leaving the post office, implying that they may return for the heist.
      Strengths
      • Building tension
      • Establishing stakes
      • Unique concept
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of dynamic dialogue
      • Limited emotional impact

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively builds tension and establishes the stakes for the upcoming heist. It also provides insight into Baby's character and his unique way of coping with his tinnitus. However, the scene could benefit from more dynamic dialogue and stronger emotional impact.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of planning a heist at a post office is intriguing and adds a unique twist to the typical heist scenario. The use of Baby's tinnitus as a plot device is also interesting. However, the scene could have delved deeper into the specifics of the heist plan.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby and Doc scouting the post office for their upcoming heist. It effectively sets up the conflict and establishes the stakes for the heist. However, the scene could have benefited from more suspense and a stronger sense of urgency.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of planning a heist in a post office is not entirely unique, the specific details and the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue add freshness to the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The scene provides some insight into Baby's character and his relationship with Doc. It also introduces the Eight Year Old Kid, who adds a touch of innocence and contrast to the criminal world. However, the other characters in the scene could have been further developed.

      Character Changes: 6

      The scene does not feature significant character changes. However, it provides some insight into Baby's character and his coping mechanisms.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information about the post office, such as the number of cameras, registers, employees, and customers. This reflects their need to plan and prepare for a future event.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the post office for a potential heist. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 7

      The scene establishes the conflict between Baby's desire for a normal life and his involvement in criminal activities. It also introduces the potential risks and dangers of the upcoming heist. However, the conflict could have been heightened to create more tension.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces some challenges in gathering information, but there is no significant obstacle or conflict that the audience is unsure of how it will go.

      High Stakes: 7

      The scene establishes the high stakes of the upcoming heist and the potential risks involved. However, the sense of danger could have been heightened.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing the post office heist plan and establishing the stakes for the upcoming job. It also provides some character development for Baby. However, it could have been more tightly connected to the overall narrative.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a young child in the backseat of the car, which adds an unexpected element to the situation. The audience doesn't know how this child will be involved in the heist.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene elicits a sense of unease and discomfort through Baby's perspective. However, it lacks strong emotional moments or impactful character interactions.

      Dialogue: 6

      The dialogue in the scene is functional and serves its purpose in advancing the plot and providing necessary information. However, it lacks memorable or impactful lines.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of tension and anticipation as the protagonist gathers information for a potential heist. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience interested and curious about what will happen next.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and anticipation. The slower pace allows for the audience to absorb the details and atmosphere of the post office.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into the characters' dialogue and actions.


      Critique
      • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
      • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive and could be tightened up.
      • The characters are not particularly well-developed and could be given more depth.
      • The plot is somewhat predictable and could be made more suspenseful.
      • The ending of the scene is somewhat abrupt and could be more satisfying.
      Suggestions
      • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
      • Rephrase some of the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful.
      • Add more details to the characters' backgrounds and motivations.
      • Introduce some unexpected twists and turns into the plot.
      • Add a more satisfying resolution to the scene.



      Scene 19 -  Baby Accepts Doc's Offer and Meets the Team
      49 INT. DOC’S MERC - MOMENTS LATER 49




      AA
      Baby jumps back in shotgun. Samm in the back.

      DOC
      So?




      -C
      BABY
      No bandit glass. One guard unarmed,
      three cameras, six registers, four
      open, eight customers.

      The kid coughs. Mouths ‘four employees’.
      att
      BABY (CONT’D)
      And four employees.
      nL
      DOC
      Anything else?

      BABY
      The teller seemed nice.
      li


      THE KID
      Yeah, that lady gave me a mint.
      nk



      DOC
      She did?
      Fra




      THE KID
      Yeah. She did seem real nice. You
      probably wouldn’t even need to use a
      gun with her. Just say boo and she’ll
      give you the big bills first.

      DOC
      Chips off the block.

      Doc smiles. Baby does too, but only for Doc’s benefit. When
      Baby looks out of the window, his expression clouds again.

      DOC (O.S.) (CONT’D)
      So you think about it?
      49.


      50 INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR - AFTERNOON 50

      ‘Threshold’ by Steve Miller Band.

      CLUNK. The elevator doors close on Baby and Doc like a prison
      cell. Baby looks trapped as he and Doc go up in the world.

      DOC
      My offer.

      BABY
      Yes...




      AA
      DOC
      I’m thinking about your future. Are
      you?




      -C
      BABY
      I am...

      DOC
      And I don’t offer these positions
      lightly Baby. You wouldn’t want me to
      att
      be offended would you?

      BABY
      No.
      nL

      Doc eyeballs Baby. Unsure if there’s hesitation or insolence.

      DOC
      It’s just when I give you something
      nice, maybe try and help you out of
      li


      your situation and you go off day
      dreaming, I feel like I should go fuck
      nk



      myself.

      Doc smiles broadly. This is somehow much worse. Baby takes a
      breath, takes his shades off and says the following.
      Fra




      BABY
      You and I are a team. There is nothing
      more important than our friendship.

      Doc is surprised and touched.

      DOC
      Well, good.

      CLANK. The elevator reaches their floor. The doors open.
      DOC (CONT’D)
      Normally I’d introduce you to the rest
      of your team. But in this case, you
      already met.

      We see Baby take a big breath before walking back in.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary In Doc's Merc, Baby gives a detailed report of the bank robbery to Doc and Samm. Doc offers Baby a position in his organization, and Baby accepts, reassuring Doc of their friendship and importance as a team. The scene ends with Doc and Baby getting into a freight elevator, with Baby meeting the rest of his team on their floor.
      Strengths
      • Effective tension-building
      • Strong character dynamics
      • Unique elements
      Weaknesses
      • Limited exploration of theme

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the upcoming heist. It introduces important characters and their dynamics, while also highlighting Baby's internal conflict and his relationship with Doc.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of a heist and the preparation involved is well-executed. The use of a child as a reconnaissance assistant adds a unique element to the scene.

      Plot: 8

      The plot progresses as Baby and Doc discuss the potential heist at the post office. Baby's internal conflict and loyalty to Doc are also established.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of discussing a job offer and expressing loyalty is familiar, the specific dialogue and character dynamics bring freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their dynamics are established effectively. Baby's internal struggle and loyalty to Doc are particularly compelling.

      Character Changes: 7

      Baby's character undergoes some changes as he grapples with his loyalty to Doc and his desire for a different life.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a decision about the job offer and express his loyalty to his friend and mentor, Doc. This reflects his deeper need for stability and a sense of belonging, as well as his fear of disappointing or betraying Doc.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to consider Doc's offer and potentially accept a position on his team. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges the protagonist is facing, such as his involvement in criminal activities and his desire for financial security.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, both externally (the potential heist) and internally (Baby's internal struggle).

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is a potential conflict between the protagonist and Doc regarding the job offer, it is not a strong or difficult-to-overcome obstacle. The audience is unsure of the protagonist's decision, but the outcome is not heavily foreshadowed.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the characters plan a potential heist and Baby's loyalty to Doc is tested.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing the potential heist and establishing Baby's internal conflict.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the protagonist's decision and how it will impact the story. The dialogue and character interactions add an element of surprise.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene elicits some emotional impact through Baby's internal struggle and the tension surrounding the potential heist.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is natural and helps to establish the characters' personalities and relationships. The conversation between Baby, Doc, and the kid provides important information about the potential heist.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a crucial decision for the protagonist and creates tension through the dialogue and character dynamics. The audience is invested in the outcome of the protagonist's choice.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and anticipation. The dialogue and character interactions are well-paced, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a location and time description, followed by character actions and dialogue. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


      Critique
      • The scene is too short and doesn't give the reader enough time to get to know the characters or the situation.
      • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
      • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
      • The description of the setting is too vague and doesn't help the reader to visualize the scene.
      • The scene is not necessary to the story and could be cut without losing anything important.
      Suggestions
      • Expand the scene and give the reader more time to get to know the characters and the situation.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
      • Add more details to the description of the setting to help the reader to visualize the scene.
      • Consider cutting the scene if it is not necessary to the story.



      Scene 20 -  Baby Meets the Team and Bonds with Buddy, Amidst Tension
      51 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - MOMENTS LATER 51

      Walking through the doorway of Doc’s warehouse, we see what
      51.


      BATS
      He’s got tinnitus. A hum in his drum
      that he has to drown out by playing
      music all the time.

      DARLING
      You know who else does that exact same
      thing? Barbra Streisand.

      Bats takes offense at this. Stares at Darling.

      BATS




      AA
      Do I look like a fucking guy who knows
      a fucking thing about Barbra fucking
      Streisand?

      BUDDY




      -C
      That’s my lady. Watch your mouth.

      Bats just laughs. Darling takes a cue to powder her nose. Baby
      sits on the opposite side of the room to Bats. Buddy walks over.

      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      att
      That true? You listen to music to
      drown out a noise in your head?

      BABY
      nL
      Uh. Yeah. And when I don’t want to
      think about stuff.

      BUDDY
      It’s an escape. I get it.
      li


      BABY
      It gets me moving, you know. Music
      nk



      makes everything better.

      BATS (O.S.)
      Oh, I am playing the violin right now.
      Fra




      BUDDY
      Knock it off.
      (sits, continues quietly)
      I used to do the same thing. Used to
      fool around with cars when I was a
      kid. Drive all night, hopped up,
      listening to the radio. I used to have a
      special tape. Used to have my track.
      My one killer track that would get me
      flying. You got one of those?

      BABY
      Sure.
      52.


      BUDDY
      What’s yours?

      Baby speaks phonetically. Like he’s never said the title aloud.

      BABY
      ‘Bry-ton Rokk’.

      BUDDY
      I know ‘Brighton Rock’. Queen right?
      My big brother used to play ‘Sheer
      Heart Attack’ right through the wall.




      AA
      You got it on there?

      BABY
      Not this one.




      -C
      Baby swaps out the iPod he has plugged in, for another one in
      his jacket. His deep pockets have lots of devices it seems.

      BABY (CONT’D)
      This one.
      att
      BUDDY
      Play it.

      Baby finds it. Plays the intro to ‘Brighton Rock’ by Queen.
      nL
      Buddy takes one earphone. It’s a weirdly intimate image of two
      men sharing one pair of earphones.

      We hear a fairground organ. Then a chugging electric guitar.
      Buddy nods, grins, reliving his teenage rock years.
      li


      Bats looks over at them both, incredulous.
      nk



      BATS
      What are you faggots listening to?
      Fra




      BUDDY BABY
      Queen. Queen.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      First Streisand, now Queen? Are you
      three going to be belting out show
      tunes on the way to the job? You don’t
      need that shit. You don’t need a score
      for a score. Just drive a fucking car.

      BUDDY
      Come on. You’ve been a wheel man. You
      never had a lucky song?
      53.


      BATS
      A cigarette song? Yes. Aprés heist
      with a glass of scotch? Absolutely.
      But not on the way to a job. Don’t
      need any extra noise. I got enough
      demons making music up here.

      BUDDY
      I believe that.

      Bats warms to his theme. Turns his chair to face them.




      AA
      BATS
      My old buddy wanted to pull out of a
      job because of what was playing on the
      radio. We’re about to go in, he won’t
      get out of the car. Why? Guns & Roses’




      -C
      ‘Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door’ is playing
      on the FM. Gives him the heebs. He
      says we all gonna die in there.

      BUDDY
      So you bailed on the job?
      att
      BATS
      Nah. We did it. And he was half right.
      He bought it. I didn’t. Fucking crazy.
      nL

      Bats jumps up now. Seems to be a little coked up.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      And I’ll tell you another thing.
      li


      BUDDY
      Can’t wait.
      nk



      BATS
      My uncle used to be a movie nut. And
      we used to ride together, pulling off
      Fra




      liquor stores. He was my road dog. And
      he used to say we should get chase
      music ready next time we get in a
      chase. I say like what? He says get
      the chase music from Bullitt. He was
      way into Steve McQueen, not Queen. And
      so I goes into some record store and I
      pocket me the Bullitt soundtrack. And
      guess what? We can’t find the track.
      Know why? There is no fucking chase
      music in Bullitt. It’s just the noise
      of the car.
      (MORE)
      54.

      BATS (CONT'D)
      So I said to my uncle, that’s the only
      music you need, the sound of a 390 V8
      in a third gear four-wheel slide,
      there's your music. My uncle didn’t
      believe me, he said there’s definitely
      music in the Bullitt chase and I said
      yeah there is, it’s VROOOOM VROOOOOOM
      VROOOOOOM.
      (...)
      This was all before I stabbed him.

      BUDDY




      AA
      All your stories end with someone
      dying?

      BATS
      I guess you’ll find out Buddy.




      -C
      BUDDY
      Oh, that’s funny.

      Bats grins at Buddy. Darling re-enters. Senses tension.
      att
      DARLING
      What’s funny?

      BABY
      nL
      What’s Bullitt?

      Doc clicks his fingers.

      DOC
      I need eyes and ears open, people.
      li


      BUDDY
      nk



      You got it, Doc. What’s happening?

      DOC
      Watts. That’s what’s happening.
      Fra
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In Doc's warehouse, Baby meets the rest of the team, including Buddy, Bats, and Darling. Baby and Buddy bond over their shared habit of listening to music, while Bats mocks them for it and shares a disturbing story about his uncle. The team prepares for a job in Watts, and Doc keeps them focused on the task at hand. The scene is tense and confrontational, but also includes moments of connection and bonding.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Effective use of music
      • Well-developed characters
      Weaknesses
      • Limited emotional impact
      • Underdeveloped theme

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      This scene effectively combines intense action with humorous dialogue and nostalgic moments, creating a compelling and engaging sequence.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using music as a central theme and character trait is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around the main character's involvement in a heist and his interactions with the other criminals. It is engaging and moves the story forward.

      Originality: 5

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the dialogue is snappy and humorous, the situations and character actions are not particularly unique or fresh.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in this scene are well-developed and have distinct personalities. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the story.

      Character Changes: 7

      There is some character development in this scene, particularly for the main character as he reflects on his past and his relationship with music.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Buddy and establish a sense of camaraderie. This reflects Baby's deeper need for acceptance and belonging.

      External Goal: 6

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prepare for a job and gather information about what's happening in Watts.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a moderate level of conflict in this scene, primarily between the characters and their differing opinions on the use of music during a heist.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in this scene is moderate, with tension between Bats and Buddy, but it is not a major obstacle or challenge for the protagonist.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in this scene as the characters plan and execute a heist, risking their lives and freedom.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, establishing their relationships, and setting up the next heist.

      Unpredictability: 4

      This scene is not particularly unpredictable, as it follows a typical conversation between characters.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene has some emotional impact, particularly in the nostalgic flashback sequences, but it could be further developed to evoke stronger emotions.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in this scene is witty, humorous, and reveals important information about the characters. It adds to the overall tone and entertainment value of the scene.

      Engagement: 7

      This scene is engaging because of the witty and humorous dialogue between the characters.

      Pacing: 7

      The pacing of the scene is effective, with a good balance between dialogue and character actions.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear dialogue exchanges and character actions.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural. It's hard to believe that these characters would actually talk this way.
      • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition and character development.
      • The characters are not particularly well-developed. We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
      • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any important information.
      • The pacing is a bit slow. The scene could be more engaging if it moved along more quickly.
      • The dialogue could be more concise and to the point. Some of the lines are too long and rambling.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
      • Add more action to the scene to advance the plot.
      • Develop the characters more by giving them clear goals and motivations.
      • Cut down the scene to make it more concise.
      • Speed up the pacing by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.



      Scene 21 -  The Heist Plan and Baby's Struggle
      52 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - MOMENTS LATER 52

      ‘This Is Soul’ by Paul Nero.

      Doc relates the plan on the chalkboard. Again Baby drowns this out
      with incongruously jazzy music in his ears.

      This time Baby only half watches. He looks up at the lights,
      blots them out with his fingers in time with the music. He then
      plays with TOY CARS on the table. But makes them CRASH into one
      another. The song ends as Doc wraps up.
      55.


      DOC
      You get all that Baby?

      All eyes are on Baby to reiterate the plan. But he is not as
      impressive as before, stuttering through the following.

      BABY
      Uh. The plan is hit this post office.
      You know a guy who has a...
      (stalls)

      DOC




      AA
      Money order machine.

      BABY
      We get the order slips themselves and
      it’s literally a license to print




      -C
      money. Every money order is a
      potential 700 dollars, each box of
      money orders has 250 slips in there.
      That’s 175 K for every box you get...

      DOC
      att
      And for the icing on top?

      BABY
      Tomorrow is the day after people get
      nL
      their welfare, which means there’s a
      lot of their cash in there tomorrow
      afternoon. Plan is...go in there. Get
      the money orders. And the cash. I get
      a used car as the g-ride and the
      switch car is one of ours. We come
      li


      back here after and uh...that’s it.
      nk



      DOC
      You missed stuff.

      Baby goes red. Like a child embarrassed in front of class.
      Fra




      BUDDY
      The plan is that Darling goes in
      first. Then me and Bats. I take her
      hostage, put shotgun to her head.

      DARLING
      We’ve role-played this a lot.

      BUDDY
      That gets the door open. And gets us
      where the money is. And where the
      money orders are.
      56.


      DOC
      And the guns?

      BABY
      I don’t know...

      BATS
      I got some contacts to get us hardware
      that’s fresh and clean. Keep up Rain
      Man, we picking it up tonight.

      DOC




      AA
      And then what are you going to do?

      Baby stalls. Doc is disappointed. Becomes more intense.

      DOC (CONT’D)




      -C
      You’re going to stay here tonight.
      There’s a lot of heat around and we
      need to mix up our routines. So you
      guys better learn to live together.

      Bats breaks into a wide toothy grin.
      att
      BATS
      Oh, we in bed together now!
      nL
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Doc explains the plan to rob a post office, which involves the group staying together in the loft to avoid heat and mix up their routines. Baby has difficulty understanding and repeating the plan, causing tension and frustration among the group. Buddy and Darling have specific roles in the heist, and Bats has a contact for obtaining weapons. The scene ends with Doc assigning them all to stay together in the loft for the night.
      Strengths
      • Well-developed characters
      • Engaging plot
      • Tension and conflict
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of emotional impact
      • No standout dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene is well-written and engaging, with a clear focus on the heist plan and the dynamics between the characters. The use of music and Baby's absent-mindedness adds an interesting layer to the scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of planning a heist and the attention to detail in the plan are well-executed. The use of music as a coping mechanism for Baby's tinnitus adds depth to his character.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around the heist plan and the dynamics between the characters. It is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the heist genre by incorporating elements of humor and unconventional character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-developed and their interactions are interesting. Baby's absent-mindedness and the tension between Bats and the rest of the crew add depth to the scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      There is not much character development or change in this scene. The focus is more on the heist plan and the dynamics between the characters.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself and gain the respect of the other criminals. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and validation.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully execute the plan for the post office heist. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both in terms of the tension between the characters and the risks involved in the heist.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges and obstacles in executing the heist plan.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are planning a risky heist and there is a lot of tension and potential danger involved.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing the heist plan and setting up the next steps for the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as Baby's struggle to articulate the plan and the tension between the characters.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Baby's desire for a normal life and his involvement in criminal activities. This challenges his beliefs and values.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 6

      The scene does not have a strong emotional impact, as the focus is more on the heist plan and the dynamics between the characters.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is realistic and reveals important information about the heist plan and the characters' relationships. However, there are no particularly memorable or standout lines in this scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes heist plan and includes moments of tension, humor, and character dynamics.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace that keeps the audience engaged and builds tension.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear dialogue and action lines that advance the plot.


      Critique
      • The scene focuses too much on recapping the heist plan, which has been established in the previous scenes. This repetition slows down the pace and makes the scene less engaging.
      • Baby's characterization is inconsistent. In the previous scene, he was sharp and observant, but in this scene, he appears distracted and forgetful. This sudden shift in his behavior is not well-motivated.
      • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth. It mostly consists of characters stating facts and reiterating the plan, which makes the scene feel monotonous.
      • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene. The plan is presented as straightforward and without any potential obstacles, which reduces the stakes for the characters.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Doc's announcement that the team will be staying together that night. This feels like an arbitrary way to end the scene and doesn't provide a clear sense of where the story is going.
      Suggestions
      • Consider starting the scene later, after the heist plan has been established. This will allow you to focus on the characters' interactions and motivations rather than recapping the plan.
      • Give Baby a clear reason for his distraction and forgetfulness. Perhaps he is preoccupied with something personal or has doubts about the plan.
      • Add more depth to the dialogue by having the characters discuss their feelings and concerns about the heist. This will make the scene more engaging and help the audience connect with the characters.
      • Introduce some tension or conflict into the scene. Perhaps the team members have different opinions about the plan or there is a potential threat that they need to address.
      • End the scene with a stronger sense of closure. Provide a clear indication of what the next step is for the characters and leave the audience with a sense of anticipation for what's to come.



      Scene 22 -  Baby Leaves Bats Behind at the Gas Station
      53 INT. ‘96 CADILLAC DEVILLE - NIGHT 53

      ‘Nowhere To Run’ by Martha and the Vandellas.

      Baby drives. Bats in shotgun. Buddy and Darling in back. She
      li


      sings along. She has some really good lungs.
      nk



      DARLING
      “Nowhere to run to Baby!”

      For once, everyone in the car is enjoying the music. Everyone
      Fra




      except Baby, who looks like he wants to be somewhere, anywhere
      else.

      On the line “I know you know you’re no good for me”, Baby looks
      at Bats, a dread descending. Bats motions to pull over.


      54 INT./EXT. CADILLAC DEVILLE/GAS STATION - NIGHT 54

      Bats jumps out of the passenger door.

      BATS
      I gotta take a leak. You guys want
      anything while I’m in there?
      57.


      Everyone shrugs a negative response.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Gum? How about you Darling? Gum?

      BUDDY
      Sure, I’ll take some gum.

      Bats saunters off. Baby watches him walk up to the gas station
      where a MALE CLERK is behind the counter.

      Buddy and Darling smooch. Baby glances at this in his rear




      AA
      view.

      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      Hey. Not in front of the Baby.




      -C
      DARLING
      He don’t mind. And I never seen you
      complain when I put on a show before.
      (another noisy smooch)
      How much do you think there’s going to
      be tomorrow?
      att
      BUDDY
      If it were just me, enough to live on
      for the year. But if we’re talking the
      nL
      two of us, enough for one weekend.
      (to Baby)
      My fiancé has expensive taste.

      Darling breaks out of the embrace, hits him playfully.
      li


      DARLING
      Hey, blame it all on me why don’t cha?
      nk



      You got a problem too.
      (to Baby)
      This one has a gambling problem too.
      Fra




      BUDDY
      I do not have a gambling problem. They
      call it gaming now.

      DARLING
      Fine, we both have a gaming problem.
      See? That don’t sound so bad.

      BUDDY
      Hey, it ain’t a problem if you keep
      winning, right Baby?

      Baby looks back into the gas station. He can’t see Bats OR the
      clerk anymore. It doesn’t feel good at all. He mutters.
      58.


      BABY
      Yessir.

      DARLING
      Oh hey baby. Was going ask, what’s a
      good Egyptian reggae song?

      BABY
      ...‘Egyptian Reggae’.

      The door opens. A grinning Bats is back. He dumps whole armfuls
      of chewing gum onto Buddy. Packets and packets.




      AA
      BUDDY
      The fuck? Did you just swipe this?

      BATS




      -C
      You said you wanted gum! What am I
      going to do, pay for it?

      Baby looks back to the gas station. Still can’t see the clerk.
      He peels out fast.
      att
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In this tense and uneasy scene, Baby drives the group to a gas station while Martha and the Vandellas' 'Nowhere to Run' plays. Buddy and Darling stay in the car, talking and smooching, and reveal their plans to take the money from the bank heist. Meanwhile, Bats goes missing inside the gas station, causing Baby to become increasingly worried. As the tension builds, Baby ultimately decides to drive off without him, leaving Bats behind. Throughout the scene, Buddy and Darling share affectionate moments, while Baby looks worried in the driver's seat. Bats is seen grinning as he returns to the car with armfuls of gum, but it's too late, as Baby has already driven away.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Establishing tension and unease
      • Playful banter between characters
      Weaknesses
      • Missed opportunities for character development
      • Predictable plot elements
      • Pacing could be improved

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively builds tension and establishes the uneasy atmosphere. The use of music and Baby's anxiety adds depth to the scene. The dialogue and interactions between characters are engaging. However, there are some missed opportunities for character development and the pacing could be improved.


      Story Content

      Concept: 7

      The concept of a heist and the use of music as a central theme are interesting. The scene effectively introduces the characters and their dynamics. However, there are some clichéd elements in the genre that could be further developed.

      Plot: 7

      The plot progresses as the characters plan a heist and face obstacles. The tension and conflict are well-established. However, there are some predictable elements in the plot and the pacing could be improved.

      Originality: 5

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their dynamics are engaging. Baby's anxiety and unease add depth to his character. However, there are missed opportunities for further character development.

      Character Changes: 6

      Baby's anxiety and unease are established, but there is limited character growth or change in the scene. There are missed opportunities for deeper character development.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to hide his discomfort and unease. This reflects his deeper need for control and his fear of being caught or exposed.

      External Goal: 6

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain his cover and avoid suspicion. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being on a criminal mission and the challenge of staying under the radar.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between Baby's unease and the tension within the group adds to the overall tension of the scene. The conflict between characters is engaging. However, there could be more external conflict to raise the stakes.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of maintaining his cover and avoiding suspicion. The audience is unsure of how he will navigate the situation.

      High Stakes: 7

      The stakes are moderately high as the characters plan a heist and face obstacles. However, there could be more tension and higher stakes to increase the intensity of the scene.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing the heist planning and establishing the dynamics between characters. However, there could be more significant plot developments.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will handle the situation or if he will be caught. The introduction of Bats adds an element of unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes tension and anxiety through Baby's character. The playful banter between characters adds a lighter emotional tone. However, there could be more emotional depth and impact in the scene.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is engaging and reveals the personalities of the characters. The banter between Bats, Buddy, and Darling adds a playful tone to the scene. However, there are some clichéd lines and missed opportunities for deeper dialogue.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces tension and conflict through the protagonist's internal struggle and the external challenges he faces. The dialogue and action keep the audience invested in the scene.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and keeping the audience engaged. The quick dialogue and action keep the scene moving.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

      Structure: 7

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into dialogue and action.


      Critique
      • The scene transition from the previous one is a bit abrupt and could benefit from a more seamless transition.
      • The dialogue in this scene is natural and engaging, but it doesn't seem to serve a clear purpose in driving the plot forward.
      • Baby's character could be further developed in this scene. His discomfort and anxiety could be more explicitly shown, rather than just implied.
      • The scene's pacing is a bit slow and could benefit from a more urgent tone, given the impending danger of Bats' absence.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that hints at the upcoming heist or foreshadows a future conflict.
      • Show Baby's anxiety and discomfort more explicitly, perhaps through his body language or facial expressions.
      • Add a ticking clock or other external factor that creates a sense of urgency and tension in the scene.
      • Consider starting the scene with a more dramatic event, such as a suspicious car driving by or a sudden change in the environment, to set the tone and create a sense of unease.



      Scene 23 -  Bats' Reckless Gun Deal: A Train Yard Heist
      55 INT./EXT. CADILLAC DEVILLE/OUTSIDE TRAIN YARD - EVENING 55

      ‘Fog On The Hudson’ by Moondog.
      nL

      The gang wait in the dark outside a deserted train yard.
      Headlights off. It’s eerie quiet. Inside, everyone chews gum.
      Save for Baby who doesn’t look like he wants to play anymore.

      Bats flexes his hands. We see his single glove.
      li


      DARLING
      nk



      The one glove? Is that a Michael
      Jackson thing?

      BATS
      Fra




      Fuck no. It’s not a Michael Jackson
      thing. It’s all me. I wanna make an
      impression.

      BUDDY
      Oh, you make an impression.

      BATS
      They don’t know the name Bats but you
      better believe they heard of the One
      Glove Bandit. I come into a bank and
      the business manager sees this glove
      come off, he knows I mean business.
      59.


      DARLING
      You not worried you’ll get recognized?

      BATS
      That’s the genius Darling. When I
      think they’re onto me, I just -

      He slips on a second glove too.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      And now I could be anyone.




      AA
      BUDDY
      Anyone wearing gloves. In summer.

      BATS
      You got it.




      -C
      BUDDY
      Whatever you say, MJ.

      BATS
      Fuck you Buddy. I did the one glove
      att
      before him.

      BUDDY
      How old are you?
      nL

      BATS
      I am thirty seven years young.

      BUDDY
      Jackson did the one glove at least
      li


      thirty years ago. So what, you were
      robbing banks at the age of five?
      nk



      Bats shrugs as if to say “Maybe I was...”.

      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      Fra




      You’re crazy Bats.

      BATS
      Hey, your parents call you Bats, you
      gonna turn out crazy.

      BUDDY
      Come on. Bats isn’t your real name.

      BATS
      You doubting I’m Bats? I can show you
      my ID anytime buddy.
      BUDDY
      61.


      That doesn’t sound good.


      57 INT. ABANDONED RAIL YARD - MOMENTS LATER 57

      ‘Tequila’ by The Button Down Brass.

      Cowbells play in Baby’s ears. A bass part kicks in as -

      Our foursome approach the truck and the semi-circle of black
      SUVs with tinted windows. In the center of this gathering,
      portable work lights illuminate crates covered by a tarp.




      AA
      Four linen suited gorillas flank the crates (we’ll call them
      FARMERS) and a more urbane man (THE BUTCHER) stands in the
      middle, quietly makes a list to himself.




      -C
      As they walk up. Bats discreetly offers Baby a pistol.

      BATS
      Take this. Look serious.

      Baby looks at the pistol being offered. Stalls on taking it.
      att
      BUDDY
      Is he going to need it?
      nL
      BATS
      He needs to swagger in like he’s got
      one. Let ‘em know we ain’t a bunch of
      pussies. Darling excluded of course.

      DARLING
      li


      Oh please.
      nk



      BATS
      Baby, take the gun. It’s not like I’m
      asking you to hold my cock.
      Fra




      DARLING
      It ain’t a million miles away.

      Baby takes the pistol, just as they come within shouting range
      of the men gathered around the crates.

      The tallest of the ‘Farmers’, ARMIE, a thick-necked giant looks
      straight at Baby, with his earphones in and shades on.

      ARMIE
      Who’s the geek?

      BATS
      This is our Baby Boy.
      62.


      ARMIE
      What’s with the ears? That a wire?

      BATS
      It’s just his tunes. He’s a little
      Looney Tunes and he needs his tunes.

      ARMIE
      Oh yeah? How we supposed to know it’s
      not the police or something?

      BATS




      AA
      Is it the police?

      BABY
      It’s not The Police.




      -C
      ARMIE
      Yeah? What is it?

      Baby looks at his iPod display.

      BABY
      att
      ‘Tequila’.

      BATS
      Tequila! Hey, why did the Mexican push
      nL
      his wife off a cliff? Ah, I ruined it-

      BUDDY
      To business?

      The Butcher starts proceedings by throwing back the tarp. The
      li


      crates are stencilled with ‘LAPD’. On top of them is a huge
      smorgasbord of GUNS AND AMMO. Black gun metal gleams at them.
      nk



      THE BUTCHER
      Tonight gentlemen, ladies, we have
      only the finest cuts of pork. Direct
      Fra




      from local smokehouse.

      On Darling: ‘What?’

      THE BUTCHER (CONT’D)
      You are experienced butchers
      yourselves, so as I am sure you are
      aware the humble pig can be cooked
      from nose to tail. So I can offer you
      nine cuts at the best prices in all of
      Christendom.

      The Butcher motions in turn to Berettas, Smith & Wessons,
      Glocks, Kimbers, Colts, Heckler & Kochs and Remingtons.
      63.


      THE BUTCHER (CONT’D)
      So let’s dive in head first: from the
      jowl we have the God-sent Roman bacon
      that is Guanciale. Actually from the
      shoulder of the hog comes the Boston
      Butt, a tough but tasty cut. Then the
      Picnic Shoulder is a favorite for those
      who enjoy the smoking of pigs. Then
      center cut loin, double cut pork chops,
      baby back ribs, pork belly and Serrano
      ham on the back leg. Every one delicious.




      AA
      The Butcher gestures to a wide array of ammo and grenades.

      THE BUTCHER (CONT’D)
      And of course, we also have a fine
      selection of sausages.




      -C
      Buddy, Darling and Baby look bemused. Bats claps his hands.

      BATS
      I’m hungry.
      att
      THE BUTCHER
      Fantastique. And how will we be paying
      this evening gentlemen... ladies?
      nL
      BATS
      Do you take bullets?

      THE BUTCHER
      How do you mean?
      li


      BATS
      Like this.
      nk



      A trumpet hits a loud blast of ‘F’, as suddenly -

      BRAP. Bats draws and shoots the Butcher POINT BLANK in the
      Fra




      face. He drops. Dead. WHAT THE -

      The big Farmer guys, caught off guard, reach for their arms.
      Stunned, Buddy, Darling and Baby hit the deck.

      Bats then SMOKES the nearest Farmer. As his body falls, Bats
      rolls down next to his corpse. Grabs his machine pistol.

      The song hits a breakdown where duelling drummers madly flail
      away at each other in furious patterns as -

      BRAT BRAT BRAT. The remaining farmers LET RIP with their
      machine pistols and shotguns at the air Bats just vacated.
      64.


      The syncopation of music and action is shocking and awesome.

      Over crates and car hoods, the fire fight between Bats and the
      three Farmers as the duelling drum solo intensifies, each burst
      of gunfire matched by a burst of drums.

      The noises echo around the train yard. A portable light is
      knocked over, creating dramatic under lighting. Buddy and
      Darling are forced to join the violent melee.

      From the deck, Baby has a sideways angle on a six way fight.
      Gunfire builds. Shells drop. Car windows smash.




      AA
      The drums on the track get louder and louder as Baby watches
      his colleagues spew hot lead. BRAT BRAT BRAT BRAT.

      One Farmer aims at Baby. Baby rolls out of the way and runs




      -C
      like hell. He is trailed by bullets, dives over a crate for
      safety.

      The tempo peaks, there’s a last burst of drums and guns. And -

      Baby looks up. The train yard is quiet again. There are five
      att
      bodies on the ground that appeared to be alive seconds ago.

      He cannot comprehend what he has just witnessed.
      nL
      Bats is out of ammo. Grabs a nearby clip. Winks to Buddy, who
      strides over and goes to strike Bats with his pistol.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      What the fuck?
      li


      Bats dodges and shoves Buddy right back.
      nk



      BATS (CONT’D)
      Hey! I just got us some hardware!

      We’ve never seen Buddy this mad. It’s not fun.
      Fra




      BUDDY
      You shot the gunsmiths! I thought
      these were your contacts?

      BATS
      Yeah. They were my contacts.

      BUDDY
      Are you fucking crazy?

      BATS
      I believe we established I was. Why,
      do you still wanna see my ID?
      65.


      BUDDY
      You didn’t think to tell us your plan?
      We come in here with no masks, no
      nothing -

      DARLING
      Yeah, what if they recognized us?

      BATS
      Those what-ifs are dead Darling.
      They’re ghosts now. Only way they’ll
      finger us is through a Ouija board.




      AA
      BUDDY
      Well your name is only four letters to
      spell out.




      -C
      BATS
      Pah. Bats ain’t my real name.

      In ‘Tequila’, a huge trill of brass sounds as -

      We see one of the farmers is not dead. He runs past Baby,
      att
      toward one of the SUVs. Bats yells at Baby, who is closest.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Don’t let him get away, Baby!
      nL

      Baby has his gun in his hand, but does not fire. The farmer
      jumps in the SUV. Makes a break for the entrance. Fuck -

      Instead Bats lets rip at the fleeing vehicle. Buddy and Darling
      grab a shotgun and mini pistol from the dead and also unload.
      li


      Baby hangs back and pointedly does not join in with the
      nk



      shooting. His face says everything. He doesn’t want this.

      Wailing brass, furious drums and hammond organs score a barrage
      of bullets that stop the escapee dead in his tracks.
      Fra




      We hear a sustained HORN, as the driver slumps on his dash.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Baby. Get us out. Move!

      No time to argue. Baby grabs another abandoned SUV as Bats,
      Darling and Buddy grab as many guns as they can carry.

      Baby starts the car. In his haste, one ear bud has dropped out,
      meaning that Bats can hear the track as he jumps in the
      passenger seat with a lot of hardware in his arms.

      Baby waits for the others, then floors it.
      66.


      The brass in the final bridge reaches a resounding climax as
      they pass their old Cadillac, Bats takes a grenade, flicks the
      safety and throws it into the open window.

      As the car goes KA-BOOM in the night, Bats sings along -

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Te-quiiiii-laaaaaaa!
      Genres: ["Action","Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Bats, the leader of a heist gang, waits outside a train yard for a gun deal with intimidating figures known as the 'Farmers'. Despite Baby's hesitation and moral objections, Bats opens fire, leading to a chaotic shootout and the death of multiple gunsmiths. The gang, including Buddy and Darling, escapes with the guns, leaving Baby increasingly uncomfortable with their violent actions. The scene takes place in a foggy train yard, with a tense and action-packed tone, setting up further conflicts within the group.
      Strengths
      • Intense action sequence
      • Unique character in Bats
      • Effective use of music
      • Tension and suspense
      Weaknesses
      • Some viewers may find the scene too intense

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a well-executed action sequence and a unique character in Bats. The use of music adds an extra layer of excitement and tension. The only drawback is that the scene may be too intense for some viewers.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a heist gone wrong and the unexpected shootout is well-executed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The use of music as a key element adds a unique twist to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The unexpected shootout adds a twist to the heist plan and raises the stakes for the characters.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the use of criminal activities and a tense environment is familiar in the crime genre, the specific details and character interactions add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-defined and each has their own unique personality. Bats stands out with his eccentric behavior and the use of the one glove. Baby's internal conflict and reluctance to participate in the violence adds depth to his character.

      Character Changes: 7

      Baby experiences a subtle change in his character as he becomes more reluctant to participate in the violence. This sets up potential growth and development for his character in future scenes.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself and make an impression. This reflects his desire for recognition and respect from his peers.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete a robbery and acquire guns and ammunition. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing as criminals.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, with the unexpected shootout and the characters' conflicting motivations and personalities. The tension is palpable throughout the scene.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces armed enemies and unexpected challenges. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters' lives on the line and the potential consequences of a failed heist. The shootout adds an extra layer of danger and intensity.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major obstacle in the form of the shootout and raising the stakes for the characters. It also sets up potential conflicts and character arcs for future scenes.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as Bats shooting the gunsmiths and the intense firefight. The audience doesn't know how the scene will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and excitement during the shootout to empathy for Baby's internal struggle. The use of music adds an emotional depth to the scene.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene is effective in conveying the characters' personalities and motivations. Bats' witty remarks and banter with the other characters add humor and tension to the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it starts with a tense atmosphere, introduces intriguing characters, and builds up to an action-packed sequence. The dialogue and fast-paced narrative keep the audience hooked.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action sequences are well-timed and the dialogue exchanges are snappy.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals, and builds up to a climactic action sequence.


      Critique
      • The scene is too long and could be shortened by removing some of the unnecessary dialogue.
      • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and could be improved by making it more conversational.
      • The action is confusing and difficult to follow, and could be improved by making it more clear.
      • The characters are not well-developed and could be improved by giving them more depth and motivation.
      • The overall tone of the scene is dark and depressing, and could be improved by adding some more lighthearted moments.
      Suggestions
      • Shorten the scene by removing some of the unnecessary dialogue.
      • Make the dialogue more conversational by using contractions and colloquialisms.
      • Make the action more clear by using more specific language and avoiding jargon.
      • Develop the characters more by giving them more depth and motivation.
      • Add some more lighthearted moments to the scene to balance out the dark and depressing tone.



      Scene 24 -  Baby and Gang's Tense Diner Visit
      58 INT. SUV - NIGHT 58




      AA
      The foursome drive in the newly acquired SUV. All are silent.
      Bats is still jonesing from the previous encounter.

      Baby drives past his usual DINER and subtly looks in to see if




      -C
      Debora is working. Before he can establish this -

      BATS
      Hey, pull in here.

      Baby does not. Keeps driving.
      att
      BATS (CONT’D)
      Pull in here. I’m hungry.
      nL
      BABY
      No.

      BATS
      Stop the car.
      li


      Baby stops. Bats fixes him. Furious.
      nk



      BATS (CONT’D)
      No? You telling me no?

      BABY
      Fra




      No. I don’t want to go in there.

      Baby is firm. Bats breaks into a sickly grin. Cackles.

      BATS
      Well hel-lo Baby. I never seen you so
      mad. You saw a bunch of bodies hit the
      floor and you didn’t say nothing, but
      for some reason, you get all mad about
      this one diner.

      BABY
      I don’t like it in there. It sucks.
      67.


      BATS
      Well on that recommendation, we gots
      to go in.


      59 INT. HALF EMPTY DINER - NIGHT 59

      ‘When Something Is Wrong With My Baby’ by Sam & Dave.

      This song plays on the diner’s stereo system. Opens with -

      SAM & DAVE




      AA
      “When something is wrong with my baby,
      something is wrong with me.”

      Debora is dealing with one sole customer at the counter, she
      looks bored and distant. Then the door opens and in walks -




      -C
      An intense looking Bats, a grim Buddy and Darling. And behind
      them, Baby. He pointedly looks at Debora, his sunglasses very
      firmly on. He is not smiling. She’s never seemed so far away.

      She gets that something’s up. It’s as ominous as him and Doc in
      att
      the parking lot. She’s also never seen him with sunglasses on.

      In fact she’s never seen a booth of four people all with
      sunglasses on at night. It’s as weird to us as it is to her.
      nL

      At the booth, Bats soaks up the tension. Loves it.

      BATS
      Now why you all still mad at me?
      li


      BUDDY
      Because you have a death wish and we
      nk



      don’t.

      Buddy talks calmly, but intensely. Tears a napkin into strips.
      Baby and Darling are caught awkwardly in the middle.
      Fra




      BATS
      We’re all going to end up in a chair.
      Maybe see out your days in a lawn
      chair at Holiday Villa, maybe settle
      with the electric one. Might be just
      me, but the latter sounds funner.

      BUDDY
      It’s just you. You revel in bad
      choices. In bad luck. And that’s bad
      business.
      68.


      BATS
      What’s bad luck to you are more open
      doors for me. So I’m gonna pick
      thirteen as my lucky number and make
      hay while you Hail Mary.

      BUDDY
      Whatever you do on your own time is
      fine. What you do within this group
      affects us all.

      BATS




      AA
      Don’t worry Buddy. I ain’t gonna mess
      up. I know you have noses to feed.

      BUDDY
      Oh. Because you never take drugs.




      -C
      Baby has been watching Debora the whole time. She comes over.
      Senses the sour mood. Plays it cool.

      DEBORA
      Can I get you anything to drink?
      att
      BATS
      I think it’s Coke all around.
      nL
      DEBORA
      Three cokes.

      This strikes Darling as odd. She looks at Baby, who stares down
      at his menu. When Debora leaves, Bats continues.
      li


      BATS
      Here’s the thing. You rob to support a
      nk



      drug habit. I take drugs to support a
      robbery habit.
      (to Baby)
      Baby boy. What you do this for?
      Fra




      Baby’s glances at Debora. But says nothing.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      The cash? The girls? Or is it just the
      smell of burning rubber?

      BABY
      I guess.

      BATS
      So, we in agreement. We’re all about
      the white line fever.
      69.


      BUDDY
      Yeah. You’re real funny.

      During this exchange, Debora looks at Baby, deeply concerned.

      BATS
      I’m deadly serious. This is my job.
      It’s you two who’s on vacation.

      BUDDY
      What is that supposed to mean?




      AA
      BATS
      You’re Wall Street right?

      BUDDY
      Doc tell you that?




      -C
      BATS
      Doc tells me nothing. I am just
      guessing.

      Buddy glowers. Sub zero sarcasm.
      att
      BUDDY
      I would be fascinated to hear your
      thoughts.
      nL

      BATS
      Stop me if I’m way off. But I’m thinking
      you were a stockbroker, maybe with a
      previous fiance, maybe a wife, maybe
      kids. You’re making good money, you’re
      li


      good at your work, but you also play
      hard. And you like the wild side too
      nk



      much, get in too deep, rack up debts
      that would make even your employers
      blush. So either you get laid off or
      someone wants to break your legs. You
      Fra




      decide to run off, maybe take your
      favorite lap dancer in tow, head out to
      the desert and disappear into your
      double life, concentrate on the three
      things that get you high: the money, the
      boogaloo, the sex, the action. Okay four
      things. But am I close?

      Buddy is still unamused. Then -

      DARLING
      I will have you know I was a feature
      dancer, not a lap dancer.
      70.


      BATS
      What’s the difference?

      DARLING
      It means my name was on the marquee. And
      I could charge quadruple for dances.

      BATS
      Well then ignore everything I said.

      BUDDY
      You doubt my credentials?




      AA
      BATS
      Just saying you’re on a trip right
      now. And maybe it’s one you’re not
      coming back from. Either way, if




      -C
      you’re from Wall Street you’re already
      a bigger crook than I’ll ever be.

      BUDDY
      Two things. Don’t underestimate me.
      And don’t ever speak ill about my
      att
      lady. Or I will see red and you will
      see nothing but black.

      Buddy is scary when angered. Bats breaks into a big grin.
      nL

      BATS
      Where did you find her? Vegas? Reno? I
      think maybe it was Morongo.

      DARLING
      li


      What makes you say that?
      nk



      BATS
      ‘Cause that’s where the Morons-Go.

      Buddy’s eyes glaze over. He shifts in his seat. Grips a fork.
      Fra




      It’s fucking terrifying to see him shift. Bats just laughs.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      You seeing this Baby? This is what
      happens when a man loves a woman.

      Debora comes over with the three Cokes.

      DEBORA
      What can I get you to eat?

      BATS
      These cats need a happy meal. But I’m
      just gonna get the check... Debora.
      71.


      Baby sees that for the first time. Debora is wearing a ‘Debora’
      name tag. Bats then throws an arm around Baby.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Oh and my friend here hates this
      place. I think it’s okay. So I wanna
      ask you, what’s his problem?

      Baby cannot look up at Debora. She replies coldly.

      DEBORA
      Maybe your friend would like to fill




      AA
      out a suggestion slip and tell us how
      we could improve our service.

      Debora puts their check on the table and leaves without looking
      at Baby. Darling guesses something’s up.




      -C
      DARLING
      Are you two fucking? Or you were fucking?
      You fucked her and didn’t call her back.
      Or she didn’t call. Something’s up. I can
      definitely smell fuck in the air.
      att
      Baby goes red. Wants to curl up and die.

      BATS
      nL
      I don’t know about that.
      (to Buddy and Darling)
      You two, I got down pat. I can’t get a
      read on Dum Dum here.

      We let the song play as Baby looks up at Debora behind the
      li


      counter. Longs to be anywhere else with her. When-
      nk



      BATS (CONT’D)
      Come on, let’s bounce. You guys go on
      out to the car. I got this.
      Fra




      Darling and Buddy leave. Baby moves past Bats and sees -

      Bats pull the gun from his jacket. Then, like lightning -

      Baby GRABS Bats’ arm. Firmly stops him.

      Bats is shocked at this action. Baby has never touched him
      before and now holds down Bats’ gun arm with real force.

      Buddy turns and sees this too. He checks to see if anyone in
      the diner sees what’s going on. They don’t.
      72.


      SAM & DAVE
      “When something is wrong with my baby,
      something is wrong with me.”

      Baby looks determined, emotional. Bats then breaks into another
      wide grin. Impressed. He backs off.

      BATS
      Be sure to tip the nice lady.

      Baby takes the check and goes to the counter. He puts it down
      and goes to exit, without saying anything to Debora.




      AA
      Debora sees under the check folder. An iPod. The pink one.

      DEBORA
      Hey, you left your -




      -C
      Baby doesn’t look back. Carries on walking out.

      Debora looks down to see. Cued up on the iPod. ‘Debora’.

      She looks at Baby silently depart. She’s worried for him.
      att
      Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby and his gang, including Bats, Buddy, and Darling, stop at a diner where Baby's love interest, Debora, works. Bats is fixated on going inside, revealing his suspicion that Buddy used to be a stockbroker. The scene becomes tense as Bats pulls out his gun, but Baby prevents him from using it, and they all leave the diner. This scene is characterized by its tense and confrontational atmosphere, with significant visual elements including Baby's intense gaze at Debora and Bats' aggressive behavior.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and conflict
      • Foreshadowing future events
      • Strong character interactions
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development for supporting characters

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and conflict between the characters, while also providing emotional depth and foreshadowing future events.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the scene revolves around the strained relationship between Baby and Bats, as well as Baby's internal conflict and his connection with Debora.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene focuses on the confrontation between Baby and Bats, as well as Baby's internal struggle and his connection with Debora.

      Originality: 5

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of realism to the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby and Bats, are well-developed and their interactions create tension and conflict.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up Baby's internal conflict and foreshadows potential changes in his character.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to avoid going into the diner and facing a situation that makes him uncomfortable. This reflects his deeper desire to protect himself and maintain control over his emotions.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of control and distance from the other characters. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as the tense atmosphere and the presence of Bats.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is intense and confrontational, primarily between Baby and Bats.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and Bats have conflicting goals and engage in a power struggle. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold and who will come out on top.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes are high in the scene, as Baby's relationships and future actions are at risk.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by establishing the tension between Baby and Bats, as well as Baby's connection with Debora.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will escalate or resolve.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in Baby's internal struggle and the tension between the characters.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, as well as hints at their motivations and past experiences.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict between the characters and the anticipation of what will happen next. The sharp dialogue and the characters' emotions keep the audience invested in the scene.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and the actions of the characters keep the scene moving at a steady pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and develops the conflict.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and expository. For example, Bats' line, "We’re all going to end up in a chair. Maybe see out your days in a lawn chair at Holiday Villa, maybe settle with the electric one. Might be just me, but the latter sounds funner" is a bit too obvious and doesn't really add anything to the scene.
      • The scene doesn't really advance the plot very much. The characters are just sitting around talking, and there's not a lot of conflict or tension.
      • The characters are not very well-developed. We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
      • The dialogue between Bats and Buddy is very similar, and foreshadows a conflict between them without actually establishing what that conflict is. This makes their back-and-forth feel repetitive and unnecessary.
      Suggestions
      • Try to make the dialogue more natural and less expository. Let the characters reveal their thoughts and feelings through their actions and interactions, rather than through exposition.
      • Add some more conflict or tension to the scene. This could be done by having the characters argue, or by having them face some kind of obstacle.
      • Develop the characters more. Give them clear goals and motivations, and make them more complex and interesting.
      • Find different ways for Bats and Buddy to interact. Give them different opinions, or have them disagree about something. This will make their dialogue more dynamic and interesting.



      Scene 25 -  Tensions Rise Over Baby's Emotional State
      60 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - NIGHT 60
      nL
      Doc enters. He’s instantly aware of -

      A mood. And three camps. Bats on the opposite side of the room
      to Buddy and Darling, while Baby lies on his makeshift bed in
      another part of the room, facing away. His headphones are on.
      li


      DOC
      Who died?
      nk



      BUDDY
      A better question: ‘who didn’t?’.
      Fra




      DOC
      I count four. Something happen I
      should know about?

      BUDDY
      A little trouble procuring the
      hardware.

      DOC
      Trouble?

      BATS
      There was no trouble. Just a little
      haggling.
      73.


      Doc senses there’s something else to tell. Gets serious.

      DOC
      This going to bite me in the ass?

      Buddy and Darling say nothing. Bats grins wide.

      BATS
      Nothing’s going to bite no-one. We got
      this Doc. You got no worries with us
      three here.




      AA
      DOC
      You three?

      BATS
      I can’t speak for the mute.




      -C
      Doc looks to Baby. He closes a partition in the loft space, so
      Baby is now separated from them.

      DOC
      Something wrong with Baby? He’s been a
      att
      problem?

      BUDDY
      Jesus. He’s not the problem.
      nL

      Bats warms to this new theme, keen to distract Doc.

      BATS
      I don’t know. I’m starting to think he
      is the crazy one on this team.
      li


      DARLING
      nk



      Riiight.

      BATS
      I saw the first glints of steel in
      Fra




      Baby tonight, but not when he had a
      gun in his hand. He’s real quiet then
      he can get real emotional. And over
      some dumb waitress.

      This registers with Doc.

      DOC
      A waitress, huh?

      BATS
      All that emotion worries me Doc.
      74.


      DOC
      What are you worried about other than him
      turning left, him turning right and him
      knowing when the light turns green?

      BATS
      Him turning yellow and squealing?

      DOC
      That ain’t gonna happen. He squeals on
      the asphalt not to the cops.




      AA
      BATS
      And you done how many jobs with him?

      DOC
      Hey mouth, if you can’t take my




      -C
      fucking word for something, get back
      in the elevator.
      (...)
      I’ll bet that kid started earlier than
      any of you. You ever hear of the
      Pacific Ghost?
      att
      BATS
      The joyrider?
      nL
      DOC
      Used to bait cops by zooming through
      Malibu speed traps. Going 100 mph with
      his headlights off, brake lights
      disconnected. Begging the police to
      chase him. Then leaving ‘em in the
      li


      dust. That was our boy.
      nk



      BUDDY
      Wasn’t that like ten years ago?

      DOC
      Fra




      Like I said, that was our boy. He’s
      been boosting cars since he was old
      enough to see over the dash.

      BUDDY
      So how’d you find him?

      DOC
      He stole a Merc of mine. With a ton of my
      merch in it. I saw him do it too. I
      didn’t stop him right away either,
      because I was just like - the balls on
      this kid.
      (MORE)
      75.

      DOC (CONT'D)
      He didn’t know who I was or what he was
      stealing but when I finally tracked him
      down I made sure to tell him who I was,
      what I do and what I am capable of. And
      he went on to pay me off and show me what
      he’s capable of. I figured if he likes to
      joy ride so much, we might as well make
      some money from it.

      We see Baby is awake and listening through the partition.

      DOC (CONT’D)




      AA
      Turns out his dad used to work for me
      way back. But that kid is a better
      criminal than his father ever was. Baby
      is going to do a great job tomorrow. And
      you are going come right back here and




      -C
      apologize to me. You mark my words.

      Baby hears this, but doesn’t want to. He CLOSES HIS EYES.

      FLASHBACK: A HIGH PITCHED WHINE ON SOUNDTRACK
      att
      - We see YOUNG BABY sitting in the diner. His Mom is working at
      the counter talking to a male customer. Baby’s Dad is also
      present and staring at the male customer intensely.
      nL
      - We then see Baby’s Mom in a modest recording studio. She is
      behind the glass and we cannot hear what she is singing.

      - In the studio are Baby’s unsmiling father and the (younger)
      Elderly Man. He is an engineer behind the mixing desk. As
      Baby’s Mom sings, the Elderly Man turns to Baby and gives a
      li


      thumbs up.
      nk



      - We see Young Baby in the backseat of a car, watching his Dad
      hold up a gas station clerk at gunpoint.

      - Baby’s Dad dumps a bunch of CANDY BARS on the back seat.
      Fra




      - The Mom drives. She cries. The Dad yells.

      - We see the car about to slam into the pick up truck-

      - The candy falls off the back seat. So does the iPod.

      - Young Baby closes his eyes. The WHINE peaks.
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary Doc enters a loft at night and discovers tension among Buddy, Darling, and Bats regarding Baby's emotional state. Baby is awake and listening through a partition. Doc defends Baby and tells a story about how he found him, resolving the tension and reassuring the group. The scene ends with Baby closing his eyes and a flashback of Young Baby in the backseat of a car, watching his Dad hold up a gas station clerk at gunpoint.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and suspense
      • Effective character dynamics and conflicts
      • Sharp dialogue
      • Foreshadowing and setting up future conflicts
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more nuanced and subtle

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, introduces conflicts and character dynamics, and provides important backstory and foreshadowing. The dialogue is sharp and reveals key information about the characters and their motivations. The emotional impact is high, as we see Baby's internal struggle and the potential consequences of his actions. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts and character arcs.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a young getaway driver with a troubled past and conflicting loyalties is intriguing and engaging. The scene effectively explores the dynamics within the gang and sets up conflicts and potential betrayals. The concept is well-executed and adds depth to the overall story.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around the tension and conflicts within the gang, particularly regarding Baby's emotional attachment to Debora and his potential to jeopardize the upcoming heist. The scene effectively sets up future conflicts and foreshadows potential problems. The plot is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar in the heist genre, the characters' dialogue and interactions bring a fresh and unique perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their dynamics and conflicts are effectively portrayed. Baby's internal struggle and emotional attachment to Debora add depth to his character. Doc's role as a father figure and mentor to Baby is intriguing. Bats' suspicion and antagonism towards Baby create tension. The characters are engaging and their interactions drive the scene.

      Character Changes: 8

      Baby undergoes a subtle character change in the scene, as he becomes more aware of the potential consequences of his actions and the conflicts within the gang. His emotional attachment to Debora and his internal struggle foreshadow potential changes in his character arc. The character changes add depth to the scene and set up future character development.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is going on and if there is any trouble that he should be aware of. This reflects his need for control and his fear of being caught off guard.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure that there are no issues or complications with the upcoming job. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing as a leader of the group.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict level in the scene is high, with tensions rising within the gang and potential betrayals looming. The conflicts between Baby and the rest of the gang, as well as his internal struggle, create a sense of unease and anticipation. The conflicts drive the scene and set up future conflicts in the story.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as there is a conflict between Doc and Bats regarding Baby's abilities and emotional stability. The audience is unsure how this conflict will be resolved.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in the scene are high, as the gang prepares for a major heist and tensions rise within the group. The potential consequences of Baby's actions and the conflicts within the gang create a sense of urgency and danger. The high stakes add tension and keep the audience invested in the story.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up conflicts, revealing important backstory, and foreshadowing potential problems in the upcoming heist. The audience gains a deeper understanding of the characters and their motivations, and the scene sets up future plot developments. The story is propelled forward and keeps the audience engaged.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a conflict between Doc and Bats regarding Baby's abilities and emotional stability. The audience is unsure how this conflict will play out and what it means for the upcoming job.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Doc and Bats. Doc believes that Baby is a valuable member of the team, while Bats is starting to doubt Baby's abilities and emotional stability. This challenges Doc's belief in Baby and his worldview that everyone on the team is reliable and capable.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene has a high emotional impact, particularly in Baby's internal struggle and the potential consequences of his actions. The audience feels the tension and unease within the gang and empathizes with Baby's conflicting loyalties. The emotional impact adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp and reveals key information about the characters and their motivations. The conversations between the characters effectively convey tension, conflict, and foreshadowing. The dialogue adds depth to the characters and moves the story forward.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict and raises questions about the characters' motivations and relationships. The tension and secrecy in the scene keep the audience invested in the story.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast-paced and intense atmosphere. The short and fragmented dialogue adds to the rhythm of the scene.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the characters' goals and conflicts, and ends with a revelation that adds to the tension and sets up future events.


      Critique
      • The scene primarily serves as exposition, revealing Baby's troubled past and the team's criminal activities, but it lacks significant character development or plot advancement.
      • The flashbacks are disjointed and don't smoothly integrate with the present narrative, interrupting the flow of the scene.
      • The dialogue can be more impactful and revealing of the characters' motivations and dynamics.
      • The scene's ending is abrupt and doesn't provide a clear transition to the next scene.
      Suggestions
      • Consider incorporating the flashbacks more seamlessly into the present narrative, using them to shed light on Baby's character and motivations in the current situation.
      • Expand and enhance the dialogue between the characters, delving deeper into their relationships and exploring their perspectives on the events unfolding.
      • Provide a stronger conclusion to the scene that sets up or hints at the next phase of the story, creating a sense of anticipation and intrigue.



      Scene 26 -  Baby's Loyalty Questioned as Bats Reveals Recording
      61 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - LATER 61

      ‘Ready Let’s Go’ by Boards of Canada.
      76.


      Some time later. Doc is gone. Bats sleeps in a chair. Buddy and
      Darling curl up on a couch.

      Baby quickly gathers his things in the dark. And sneaks out.


      62 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3 - NIGHT 62

      Baby walks from the freight elevator to the SUV. He gets in.
      Starts up. But when he pulls out toward the exit.

      Buddy is waiting for him. Blocking his path.




      AA
      BUDDY
      Where you going, Baby?

      BABY




      -C
      Coffee.

      Buddy walks to the driver’s window. Baby remains very quiet.

      BUDDY
      At 2AM? That doesn’t sound too smart.
      att
      Or much like you either.
      (...)
      Look you’re a good kid. I said you
      shouldn’t have picked up that phone.
      nL
      But here you are. And that’s cool if
      you’re really committed to the job.
      But if you’re in it for the buzz, I
      say go on your Starbucks run and don’t
      come back. Because bad things happen.
      li


      BABY
      I know.
      nk



      BUDDY
      Doc said your Dad was in this
      business.
      Fra




      BABY
      He was.

      BUDDY
      But I’m not sure you are. You can’t
      dip your toes, you’re either in the
      pool or you’re not. If this is just
      your escape, then go.

      BATS (O.S.)
      What we talking about here?

      Bats is standing outside the elevator. Buddy covers.
      77.


      BUDDY
      Just about how we should all be
      getting more sleep before tomorrow.

      BATS
      It don’t look like that.

      BUDDY
      What does it look like?

      BATS
      Looks like he’s going somewhere at 2 in




      AA
      the morning. You going somewhere Baby?

      Baby looks back to Buddy. Then to Bats.

      BABY




      -C
      No...

      BATS
      Good, because we gotta talk about
      this.
      att
      Bats is holding a Sony handheld cassette recorder. Baby
      searches his jacket for his. Bats stops him.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      nL
      Yeah, it’s the same one.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby sneaks out of the loft, leading to a confrontation with Buddy in the parking garage. Bats reveals he has been recording their conversations, causing tension as Baby denies he's leaving. The scene ends with Bats holding up the cassette recorder, leaving Baby's intentions uncertain.
      Strengths
      • Tension-building dialogue
      • Exploration of internal conflict
      • Strong character development
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more concise

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its dialogue and character interactions. It also explores the emotional depth of the protagonist and sets up conflicts and dilemmas that will drive the plot forward.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a young getaway driver torn between his criminal life and his desire for a normal relationship is compelling and engaging. The scene effectively explores this concept through the interactions between Baby, Buddy, and Bats.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's internal struggle and his decision to either commit fully to the criminal life or leave it behind for a chance at a normal relationship. The scene sets up conflicts and dilemmas that will drive the plot forward.

      Originality: 8

      This scene demonstrates a fresh approach to the familiar theme of a protagonist torn between a criminal lifestyle and a desire for a normal life. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby, Buddy, and Bats, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations, conflicts, and relationships. Baby's internal conflict and emotional journey are particularly compelling.

      Character Changes: 8

      The scene shows Baby's internal conflict and his realization that he must make a choice between his criminal life and his desire for a normal relationship. This realization marks a significant change in his character.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself as a committed and capable member of the criminal organization. This reflects his desire to belong and be accepted in this world, as well as his fear of being seen as weak or unreliable.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to leave the criminal organization and escape from the dangerous lifestyle. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, as well as his desire for a different life.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The scene contains both internal and external conflicts. The internal conflict is evident in Baby's struggle to choose between his criminal life and his desire for a normal relationship. The external conflict arises from the tension between Baby, Buddy, and Bats.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Buddy challenges the protagonist's commitment and loyalty to the criminal organization. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will respond and what the consequences will be.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes in the scene are high as Baby must decide whether to fully commit to the criminal life or leave it behind for a chance at a normal relationship. The consequences of his decision will have a significant impact on his life and the lives of those around him.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by setting up conflicts and dilemmas that will drive the plot. It establishes Baby's internal conflict and his relationship with Debora, which will have significant consequences for the rest of the story.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will respond to the opposition from Buddy and Bats. The outcome of the conversation and its consequences are uncertain.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for a normal and peaceful life versus the criminal world's expectation of loyalty and commitment. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as he struggles to reconcile his own desires with the demands of the criminal organization.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its exploration of Baby's internal turmoil and his desire for a normal life. The audience empathizes with Baby's struggle and feels the tension and unease he experiences.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension, conflict, and emotional depth of the characters. The conversations between Baby, Buddy, and Bats reveal their conflicting perspectives and motivations.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between the protagonist and other characters, creating tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the scene.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and formatting of dialogue. It is clear and easy to read.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It effectively progresses the narrative and develops the conflict between the characters.


      Critique
      • The scene doesn't seem to advance the plot in any meaningful way.
      • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural.
      • The character's motivations are not clear.
      • The scene is too long and could be cut down to make it more concise.
      Suggestions
      • Add more details to the setting to make it more vivid.
      • Give the characters more depth and motivation.
      • Cut down on the dialogue and make it more concise.
      • Add more action to the scene to make it more exciting.



      Scene 27 -  Bats' Suspicion of Baby's Recording Habit
      63 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - MOMENTS LATER 63

      A D90 audio cassette plays in the handheld recorder. Baby sits
      li


      in the middle of the room. Forced to listen. We can hear the
      hum in his ears again, underlining the tense mood.
      nk



      Buddy and Bats stand over him. Bats has his gun out. Darling
      sits in the corner. From the tape, we hear recent dialogue.
      Fra




      DOC (ON TAPE)
      What are you worried about other than
      him turning left, him turning right and
      him knowing when the light turns green?

      BATS (ON TAPE)
      Him turning yellow and squealing?

      Bats presses stop. He is deadly serious.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Now why you go and do that?

      Baby stammers, but is aware he needs to speak up. And fast.
      78.


      BABY
      I like to record stuff.

      BATS
      And why do you like to record stuff.
      Are you the police? Are you a snitch?

      DARLING
      Didn’t Doc work with his Dad?

      BATS
      That don’t mean nothing. He could be




      AA
      working out his daddy issues on us. Or
      maybe, just maybe he is fucking
      retarded. Are you?

      Baby doesn’t want to answer that. Stalls.




      -C
      DARLING
      I think he’s just acting the fool.

      BATS
      I asked him. But ‘acting’ is right.
      att
      What if this is a cover? What if Harpo
      here is a real Serpico?

      All eyes on Baby.
      nL

      BUDDY
      Speak up, Baby.

      BABY
      I... I just like to listen to what
      li


      people say. I don’t always understand
      first time out. So I listen back to
      nk



      the words. To understand. And I like
      to make music out of it. It’s just me
      fooling. Fooling around.
      Fra




      BATS
      That is one fucking dumbass excuse.

      BUDDY
      To be fair, a cop would not come up with
      an excuse as fucking dumbass as that.

      BATS
      I’m calling Doc.

      Baby doesn’t want that to happen. Blurts out.
      79.


      BABY
      I can play you one. Of my tapes. Of
      the music I make.

      BUDDY
      Where are they?

      BABY
      At home.

      BUDDY
      Well, looks like we are going




      AA
      somewhere at 2 in the morning.
      Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

      Summary In an undecorated loft, Baby is forced to listen to a recording of a previous conversation, revealing his habit of recording conversations. Bats becomes suspicious and interrogates Baby, who explains his fascination with recording and making music. Despite Buddy's doubts, Bats decides to call Doc for further investigation. Baby offers to play one of his music tapes, which Buddy agrees to retrieve from his home. The scene is tense and suspenseful, with Bats' suspicion towards Baby as the main conflict.
      Strengths
      • Tension-building
      • Sharp dialogue
      • Character development
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and introduces conflicts that will drive the plot forward. The use of music and Baby's emotional connection to it adds depth to his character. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using music as a central theme and character trait is unique and adds an interesting layer to the story. The introduction of potential betrayal within the group raises the stakes and creates suspense.

      Plot: 9

      The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with Baby's recording habit becoming a point of conflict within the group. The introduction of high stakes and potential betrayal adds tension and raises the stakes for the upcoming heist.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of characters suspecting each other's intentions is not entirely unique, the dialogue and character dynamics feel authentic. The characters' actions and dialogue reflect their individual personalities and motivations.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts are clearly established. Baby's love for music and his emotional connection to it make him a compelling protagonist. The dynamic between Baby, Buddy, Bats, and Darling creates tension and sets the stage for future conflicts.

      Character Changes: 7

      Baby's character undergoes a subtle change as he stands up for himself and defends his recording habit. The potential for further character development and change is established.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince the other characters that he is not a threat and to avoid being exposed as a potential snitch or undercover cop. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and his fear of being rejected or betrayed.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prevent Bats from calling Doc, as it would likely lead to negative consequences for him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to maintain his cover.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between Baby and his gang members regarding his recording habit creates tension and raises the stakes. The potential betrayal within the group adds another layer of conflict and suspense.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Baby is faced with suspicion and potential exposure. The audience is unsure of how he will navigate the situation and whether he will be able to convince the other characters of his innocence.

      High Stakes: 9

      The introduction of potential betrayal within the group raises the stakes and adds suspense to the story. The upcoming heist and the characters' involvement in criminal activities create a sense of danger and high stakes.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing conflicts and raising the stakes. The upcoming heist and potential betrayal within the group are established as key plot points.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of Baby's true intentions and how the other characters will react. The dialogue and actions keep the audience guessing.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the characters' beliefs about Baby's intentions and loyalty. Bats and Buddy suspect Baby of being a snitch or undercover cop, while Darling and Baby himself believe he is just fooling around. This conflict challenges Baby's values of honesty and loyalty.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a sense of unease and anxiety through Baby's behavior and the tension between the characters. Baby's emotional connection to music adds depth to his character and elicits empathy from the audience.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The banter between the gang members adds depth to their relationships and establishes their personalities.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and intrigue through the characters' dialogue and actions. The audience is invested in discovering Baby's true intentions and the outcome of the conflict.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through dialogue and character interactions.


      Critique
      • The scene is well-written with clear stage directions and character actions. However, the pacing feels a bit slow and the tension could be heightened further.
      • The dialogue is natural and fits the characters, but there are moments where it feels repetitive and could be tightened up.
      • The scene is heavily dialogue-driven, and while this works for the most part, it might be beneficial to incorporate more physical actions or visual elements to break up the dialogue and add variety.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding more visual descriptions to the scene to help the reader better imagine the setting and the characters' expressions or body language.
      • Tighten up the dialogue where possible, cutting out any unnecessary repetition or redundancy.
      • Introduce more physical actions or movements from the characters to help break up the dialogue and add variety to the scene.
      • Heighten the tension by incorporating more suspenseful elements, such as increasing the stakes or adding unexpected twists.
      • Consider restructuring the scene to improve the pacing, perhaps by moving some of the dialogue to earlier or later scenes, or by interspersing it with other events.



      Scene 28 -  Baby's Driving Test
      64 INT./EXT. SUV - MOMENTS LATER 64




      -C
      The hum in Baby’s ears underscores this section, adding uneasy
      menace as the SUV drives fast down deserted streets.

      Baby is in the back seat. Buddy drives. Bats is in shotgun with
      his gun lightly trained on Baby. Stereo is silent.
      att
      BATS
      No music for you. You ain’t moving.
      nL
      65 EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - MOMENTS LATER 65

      The SUV pulls up outside Baby’s apartment block. Baby and Bats
      get out. Buddy stays in the car.

      BATS
      li


      Watch that fire escape.
      nk



      66 INT. APARTMENT BLOCK - MOMENTS LATER 66

      Bats and Baby ascend in the extremely slow exposed elevator.
      Fra




      67 INT. BARE APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER 67

      Baby walks in first. The TV is on, but barely illuminates the
      room. Bats enters, flicks the light switch. It’s still out.

      Bats observes the dimly lit room. He’s both surprised and yet
      not at how bare and simple it is.

      BATS
      This is your place?
      80.


      BABY
      It’s my foster dad’s.

      BATS
      And where’s he?

      The Elderly Man is asleep in his chair. But Bats does not
      notice a person is present. It looks like a big old blanket.

      BABY
      ...He’s dead.




      AA
      Baby does not acknowledge the old man. He walks right over to a
      pile of tapes on the kitchen counter.

      He takes the pile of D30s. Turns to Bats and softly says.




      -C
      BABY (CONT’D)
      Got ‘em.

      BATS
      This better be good, Baby.
      att
      68 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - LATER 68

      Buddy and Bats stand over Baby at the tape recorder. Darling,
      nL
      again, is in the corner. He presses play.

      The montage that plays is a collage of almost all dialogue
      we’ve heard so far. A nonsense medley of crosscut dialogue. It
      builds into odd rhythms. Sounding awesome, but absurd.
      li


      Bats presses stop. Buddy shuts his eyes.
      nk



      BATS
      What the fuck did I just listen to?

      BABY
      Fra




      Like I said. I was fooling around.

      BATS
      Did we not establish what happens when
      you act the fool with me?

      BABY
      I wasn’t acting. I am one.

      A pause. Then -

      DARLING
      Well hell, I like it. It’s funny.
      81.


      BUDDY
      I say we get someone else.

      BATS
      At this time of night?

      BUDDY
      Anyone you’ve worked with that’s still
      alive?

      BATS
      You two are still alive.




      AA
      BUDDY
      I’m so honored.

      BATS




      -C
      Lemme think about what to do while I
      give the kid a ride home.

      Bats tucks his gun into his waistband and puts his jacket on.

      Baby does not like the look of this. He speaks firmly.
      att
      BABY
      I can do this. I’m driving tomorrow.
      I’m not retarded. I’m fast. I’m
      nL
      driving.

      Buddy and Bats exchange looks.

      DARLING
      Let him. So what? He recorded stuff.
      li


      Big deal. I was kinda hoping someone
      got all the pork nonsense on tape
      nk



      because that was bananas.
      (...)
      Besides I kinda wanna hear the rest of
      the tape.
      Fra




      BATS
      Oh yeah? Well go get it.

      Bats throws the D30 cassette out of the window.
      Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby, Buddy, Bats, and Darling drive to Baby's foster dad's apartment to retrieve some D30 tapes. While there, they listen to a montage of earlier conversations, which Bats finds confusing and unimpressive, but Darling finds amusing. Bats throws one of the tapes out of the window, and he takes Baby for a drive to test his driving skills. The scene is tense and high-stakes, with a conflict surrounding Bats' uncertainty about Baby's ability to drive the getaway car. The scene ends with Bats taking Baby for a ride home, leaving the remaining members of the group in the loft.
      Strengths
      • Tension-building
      • Character development
      • Unique use of tape recordings
      Weaknesses
      • Limited emotional depth

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively builds tension and reveals important information about Baby's character and his relationship with the gang. The use of the tape recordings adds a unique and innovative element to the scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of Baby secretly recording conversations to make music is intriguing and adds depth to his character.

      Plot: 7

      The plot progresses as Bats discovers Baby's secret tapes and questions his loyalty. This creates conflict and raises the stakes for Baby.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities and dynamics within the gang.

      Character Changes: 7

      Baby's character undergoes a change as his secret is exposed and he asserts his abilities and determination to stay with the gang.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself capable and gain respect from the other characters. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the pile of tapes. This reflects the immediate challenge of completing the task assigned to him by Bats.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between Bats and Baby escalates as Bats discovers the secret tapes and questions Baby's loyalty.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles from the other characters.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes are high as Baby's loyalty and abilities are questioned, and the gang considers replacing him.

      Story Forward: 7

      The scene moves the story forward by raising the stakes for Baby and setting up further conflict within the gang.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the reader is unsure of how the characters will react to each other and what actions they will take.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes tension and uncertainty as Baby's secret is revealed and his loyalty is questioned.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is natural and reflects the characters' personalities. The use of the tape recordings adds an interesting element to the dialogue.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and suspense through its dialogue and descriptive narrative. The reader is drawn into the characters' interactions and motivations.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and keeping the reader engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines.


      Critique
      • The scene is confusing because it doesn't establish the stakes or the reason for Baby's resistance.
      • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
      • The characters are not well-developed and their motivations are unclear.
      • The scene could benefit from more detail and description to help the reader visualize the setting and the characters' actions.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader with more questions than answers.
      Suggestions
      • Establish the stakes of the scene at the beginning, so that the reader knows what the characters are trying to accomplish.
      • Give Baby a clear reason for resisting, so that the reader can understand his motivations.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
      • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and complexity.
      • Add more detail and description to the setting and the characters' actions.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that resolves the conflict and leaves the reader with a sense of closure.



      Scene 29 -  Narrow Escape: The Tense Standoff
      69 EXT. ALLEY - EARLY MORNING 69

      We see a smashed cassette. The audio tape spooled out on the
      concrete like brown spaghetti. The morning sun rises.
      82.


      70 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - EARLY MORNING 70

      Doc enters to find Buddy, Darling & Bats dressed in civilian
      attire for the robbery. They look weirdly normal.

      DOC
      Where’s Baby?

      BUDDY
      I’m going to guess... in the car.




      AA
      71 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3 - MOMENTS LATER 71

      ‘Movement One’ by Herbie Flowers & Barry Morgan.

      PING. Buddy, Bats and Darling exit the elevator to find -




      -C
      A blue Mitsubishi Galant. Baby at the wheel. Eyes fixed forward.
      Hands ten to two. Music pumping on the stereo.

      The gang get in. Buddy and Darling in back. Bats in shotgun.
      att
      Bats kills the stereo. Produces a coke spoon. Takes a big snort.

      BATS
      Now I’m going to make this clear. You
      nL
      can listen on your phones or do
      whatever it is you need to do. But I
      don’t want to hear none of your
      bullshit today.

      Baby silently plugs his earphones into the iPod. The music
      li


      continues in Baby’s head and our ears.
      nk



      BUDDY
      Let’s get this over with.

      Baby pulls out. Heads for the ‘EXIT’.
      Fra




      72 INT. MITSUBISHI GALANT - DAY 72

      ‘Music For The Head Ballet’ by The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band.

      A solo harpsichord plays a jolly fairground intro as the gang
      cruises down Century Boulevard. Very slowly.

      Baby listens to the music in his earphones as they reach the
      intersection of Success Avenue. And find themselves in -

      Gridlock. Some construction is up ahead. It’s the middle of the
      school run. Cars slow to a stop. It’s a bad time for a jam.
      83.


      Baby signals, his indicator in sync with the 4/4 tempo. The
      track becomes a woozy waltz, repeating a ‘down then up’ pattern
      that goes around and around as the traffic maddens.

      The Galant idles in the left hand lane. Baby begins to sweat.
      Unsure of the neighborhood. The air con blasting.

      Bats’ cocaine seems to kick in, his restlessness changing the
      simpatico of action and music from being magical to menacing.

      Buddy taps his fingers on a seat rest in time with the music.
      Darling flicks through the pages of a magazine, also in time.




      AA
      Bats cocks and uncocks his shotgun in time. Baby eyes this.

      The whole hood is alive with incident, all in time with the
      track. Kids shouting. Angry neighbors. A police helicopter.




      -C
      The sound of chopper blades prompts the gang to all look up.
      When they look back down a COP CAR is right alongside them.

      Their next door neighbor in the traffic jam is THE POLICE.

      A change of key in the track. The four gang members all look
      att
      straight forward, eyes fixed on the static road ahead. Then -

      The music resumes its woozy waltz as the gang take turns to
      look at the cops. The glances are furtive first, then more
      nL
      confident. The dance of their turning heads is very surreal.

      As the melody accentuates the odd notes, we see the cops look
      back at the gang in the Galant. We take in the odd magic of -

      Four gang members and two cops, all wearing shades, trying to
      li


      inconspicuously check each other out in time with a waltz.
      nk



      Baby doesn’t want to see Bats slowly raising his shotgun. Out
      of sight of the cops, but ready to fire.

      Then suddenly, the Cop driving, points right towards Bats.
      Fra




      Bats does a ‘who me?’ The Cop shakes his head. Then -

      POINTS at Baby. Motions for him to take off his earphones.

      Baby does so. The waltz concludes. Bat smiles.

      BATS
      Yeah Baby. It’s the law.

      Bats makes the ‘he’s crazy’ sign to the cops about Baby. The
      cops get a call. Switch their SIREN ON. Pull out of the jam and
      out of sight. Everyone exhales. Heart attack over... For now.
      84.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary In this tense scene, the gang consisting of Buddy, Darling, Bats, and Baby, prepares for a robbery. They get stuck in traffic in their blue Mitsubishi Galant, with Baby as the driver, while Bats becomes increasingly restless. The tension escalates when they notice a cop car next to them, but they manage to avoid getting caught after Bats pretends that Baby is crazy, and the cops leave following a call. The scene takes place in an underground parking garage, a busy street, and in the car, with the tone being tense and anxious, despite moments of humor and absurdity.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and suspense
      • Creating a surreal and menacing atmosphere
      • Effective use of music
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the combination of the music, the characters' actions, and the unexpected encounter with the police. The surreal and menacing atmosphere adds an additional layer of intrigue.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a heist taking place in a traffic jam is unique and adds an element of unpredictability to the scene. The use of music to enhance the atmosphere and the characters' actions adds depth to the concept.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around the gang's attempt to navigate a traffic jam while being pursued by the police. The tension and suspense build as the gang members try to remain inconspicuous while also dealing with their own internal conflicts.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the use of music and synchronized actions is unique, the overall situation of a high-stakes robbery and encounter with the police is a familiar trope in the crime genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby, Bats, and Buddy, are well-developed and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict of the scene. Their interactions and reactions to the situation add depth to their personalities.

      Character Changes: 7

      The character of Baby experiences a shift in his confidence and determination as he navigates the traffic jam and confronts the police. His actions and reactions show growth and development.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in a high-stakes situation. This reflects their need to protect themselves and their crew, as well as their fear of getting caught or facing consequences.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete a robbery. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as well as their desire for financial gain and freedom.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, both externally with the police pursuit and internally within the gang members. The tension and suspense are heightened by the constant threat of discovery and the characters' conflicting motivations.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of navigating through traffic and avoiding detection by the police. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in the scene are high, with the gang members risking capture by the police and the potential loss of their freedom. The tension and suspense are heightened by the constant threat of discovery.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for the gang and raising the stakes of their situation. It also deepens the conflict and tension between the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the synchronized actions and the encounter with the police. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, including anxiety, fear, and tension. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and feels the stakes of the situation.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It conveys the tension and conflict between the characters and adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and anticipation through the use of music and synchronized actions. The audience is drawn into the high-stakes situation and is invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the actions and dialogue aligns with the music, creating a sense of urgency.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in a clear and organized manner.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and builds tension through escalating actions and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
      • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
      • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any important information.
      • The music cues are too obvious and on the nose. They don't add anything to the scene and they're actually quite distracting.
      Suggestions
      • Give the scene a clear purpose. What do the characters want to achieve? What are the stakes?
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural. Listen to the way people actually talk and try to capture that in your writing.
      • Cut down the scene by about a third. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action.
      • Use music cues more subtly. Don't make them so obvious that they're distracting.



      Scene 30 -  Post Office Heist Gone Wrong
      73 EXT. US POST OFFICE. WATTS - DAY 73

      ‘Intermission’ by Blur.

      A solo piano plays an endlessly descending melody.

      Baby pulls up into the strip mall. The place is quiet but
      everything feels bad. The heat, the traffic, the summer
      aggression in the air, a rain drop on the windshield. In Watts?

      There’s even a construction PICKUP TRUCK partly blocking their
      exit, steel enforced concrete poles hanging off the back. Even




      AA
      a novice would get spooked by this, but -

      Bats ignores the omens and repeats his mantra.

      BATS




      -C
      Remember, what’s in there is ours. It
      belongs to us. They got our money.
      They got our money orders. They got
      our momma’s jewels. They got our
      girlfriend in there. So let’s go in,
      get them, get her. Take back what is
      att
      rightfully ours.

      Darling opens her door. It starts. There’s a thunderclap.
      nL
      A crunchy electric guitar joins the piano. Adds menace.

      Buddy and Bats watch Darling walk into the post office alone.

      Baby gets a pervasive feeling of dread. A baby in a stroller
      cries. A chorus of honks and angry drivers are heard nearby.
      li


      A bass guitar joins the sneaking melody. Buddy and Bats get
      nk



      out, take bags from the trunk and follow Darling. Baby is
      distracted by an argument between two men at a bus stop.

      A huge thunder clap and cymbal crash heralds the introduction
      Fra




      of drums. And also Buddy and Bats entering the post office.

      The tempo of the track quickens. Traffic noise flares nearby.
      Baby stares forward. Rain spots his windshield.

      Baby hits the wipers. They are in perfect time with the track.
      He stays, fixed forward, staring at the jagged mess of
      protruding poles, fixating on this premonition of doom.

      Tempo quickens. Rain thickens. Baby flicks the wipers up a
      notch in speed. In his wing mirror, Baby sees -

      A SECURITY GUARD ambling around the corner. Looks up at the
      uncommon rainfall. Finishes off a sandwich.
      85.


      A squeal of feedback. Baby looks through the post office door.
      He can see frantic activity inside.

      He looks back to the security guard who has thrown the sandwich
      wrapper in the trash and now slowly approaches Baby.

      The tempo quickens. The drums become more manic. Baby flicks
      the wipers to go one faster. Matching the tempo. The security
      guard passes, eyeballing Baby. Then -

      A GUN SHOT. From inside. Baby and the Guard look to the door.




      AA
      Baby doesn’t want to think what just happened in there. The
      Guard runs to the door of the post office. Just as -

      Buddy, Darling and Bats run out, bags and guns in hand.




      -C
      Hard cymbals strike. White noise guitar. Madly fast piano.

      The Security Guard reaches for a walkie.

      BATS BLOWS HIM AWAY WITH A SHOTGUN. POINT BLANK.
      att
      Baby witnesses this. Close up. He is in total shock.

      BATS THEN SHOOTS THE SECURITY GUARD ON THE GROUND TOO.
      nL
      Sound EXPLODES around them. AN ALARM. SCREAMS from passersby.
      The sound of distant SIRENS as -

      Darling and Buddy leap in the back and Bats jumps in shotgun.

      A huge shift up in tempo, the track threatening to collapse.
      li


      BATS (CONT’D)
      nk



      Move!

      Baby doesn’t move.
      Fra




      BATS (CONT’D)
      Fucking move!

      Baby doesn’t go.

      BATS (CONT’D)
      Fucking hit the gas you fucking
      retard. Fucking move. Go!

      Bats HITS Baby in the face with the shotgun stock. It knocks
      out a lens from his sunglasses. We now see one naked eye.

      One steely eye. Baby doesn’t move. Baby doesn’t go.
      86.


      BUDDY
      Baby go! Go now!

      BATS
      I’m blowing your fucking head off in
      three seconds if you don’t move!

      DARLING
      Move!

      Bats POINTS the barrel of his shotgun at Baby’s head.




      AA
      BATS
      1-

      Sirens mass. Baby holds still. That steely eye staring at Bats.




      -C
      BATS (CONT’D)
      2-

      Music and noise crescendos around them. And then -

      BATS (CONT’D)
      att
      3!

      Baby HITS the gas. Drives hard and fast. Straight into -
      nL
      The back of the Pickup Truck. The concrete poles.

      WRECKING THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE CAR AND IMPALING BATS.

      A blast of violent noise. Wailing distorted feedback.
      li


      BATS IS DEAD. The car is FUCKED. The sirens get CLOSER.
      nk



      Baby, Darling and Buddy are alive, but badly concussed.
      Concrete dust and radiator mist cloud the trashed Galant.

      BUDDY
      Fra




      Get up. Get up. Get up.

      Buddy pulls Darling out of the car. Baby gets out too. He has
      one earbud hanging out of his ear, one sunglass lens missing.

      The song whites out. Returns to a simple solo piano. Buddy
      looks at Baby. He is incandescent with rage.

      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO!

      BABY
      I moved.
      87.


      Buddy FLIPS. Grabs Baby. Looks ready to shoot him there and
      then. Baby’s ear bud falls out. When -

      POP! POP! POP! A COP is positioned on the street. Shooting over
      the hood of the first Black & White to arrive.

      BUDDY RETURNS FIRE from behind his car door. Darling too. Baby
      ducks down behind the wreck of the Galant. He does not know
      what to do and looks again to his music for direction.

      He puts his left earbud back in as a new track kicks off -




      AA
      ‘Hocus Pocus’ by Focus.

      A heavy guitar riff plays in left channel. Baby puts in his
      right earbud. A second guitar joins in the right channel.




      -C
      Police cars screech into view all around. Officers screaming
      with fury at them to lay down their arms.

      The track builds. Baby stands. The track kicks in.

      Baby. Buddy. Darling. Run for it. Race to survive.
      att
      Driving guitars, bass and drums propel Baby forward. Buddy
      fires back. Darling loses her heels, runs barefoot.
      nL
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby, Bats, Buddy, and Darling attempt to rob a post office in Watts during the day. The scene is action-packed and tense, with the main conflict between Bats and Baby. Bats threatens Baby to drive and eventually hits him when he doesn't comply. The robbery results in the security guard being shot and Bats' death when Baby crashes the car, impaling him. The scene ends with Baby's ear bud falling out and Buddy looking at Baby with rage.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and suspense
      • Strong emotional impact
      • Engaging plot
      Weaknesses
      • None identified

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The shocking events and intense emotions make it a memorable and impactful scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a high-stakes robbery and the characters' conflicting motivations are well-executed. The use of music and sound to enhance the atmosphere adds depth to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around the robbery and the characters' reactions to unexpected events. It is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting a heist and shootout. The use of music as a guiding force for the protagonist adds a unique element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters' actions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations. Their interactions create tension and conflict, driving the scene forward.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the events and conflicts contribute to the development of the characters' arcs throughout the story.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear and hesitation and take action. This reflects his deeper need for self-confidence and his desire to protect himself and his companions.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the post office heist and survive the ensuing shootout with the police. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters' conflicting motivations and the high-stakes situation create tension and drive the plot forward.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and threats, including the construction pickup truck, the security guard, and the police officers. The audience is kept in suspense and unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these challenges.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the characters are involved in a dangerous robbery and face the threat of law enforcement. The consequences of their actions are significant.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a crucial robbery and escalating the tension and conflict among the characters. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

      Unpredictability: 9

      This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected obstacles and twists, such as the construction pickup truck blocking the exit and the protagonist's decision to drive into it. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in self-preservation and the police officers' belief in upholding the law. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview as he is forced to confront the consequences of his actions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including fear, shock, and anger. The shocking events and intense emotions make it emotionally impactful.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the high stakes and adds depth to the scene.

      Engagement: 10

      This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the audience's attention with its intense and fast-paced action. The use of sensory details and vivid imagery creates a sense of immersion and suspense.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum. The quick cuts between actions and the synchronization of the music with the protagonist's movements create a dynamic and thrilling rhythm.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a brief description of the setting and the music that is playing, but it quickly jumps into the action with Bats repeating his mantra to the group. This abrupt transition can be jarring for the reader and make it difficult to follow what is happening.
      • The dialogue between the characters is often very short and choppy, which can make it difficult to understand what they are saying and what their motivations are. For example, when Bats says, "Remember, what’s in there is ours. It belongs to us. They got our money. They got our money orders. They got our momma’s jewels. They got our girlfriend in there. So let’s go in, get them, get her. Take back what is rightfully ours," it is difficult to follow who "they" are and what exactly the group is planning to do.
      • The pacing of the scene is very fast, with a lot of action happening in a short amount of time. This can be effective in creating a sense of urgency and excitement, but it can also make it difficult for the reader to keep up with what is happening.
      • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, as Baby is left alone in the car with the police closing in on him. This can be effective in leaving the reader wanting more, but it can also be frustrating if the reader is left with too many unanswered questions.
      • The overall tone of the scene is very dark and violent. The language is often harsh, and there are several scenes of violence. This can be effective in creating a sense of tension and suspense, but it can also be off-putting for some readers.
      Suggestions
      • Start the scene with a more detailed description of the setting and the characters, so that the reader can get a better sense of where they are and who they are interacting with.
      • Slow down the pacing of the scene and give the reader more time to absorb what is happening.
      • Expand the dialogue between the characters and make it more natural and conversational. This will help the reader understand the characters' motivations and make the scene more engaging.
      • Avoid using too much violence and gore. While some violence can be effective in creating tension and suspense, too much can be off-putting for some readers.
      • Provide more resolution at the end of the scene. This will help the reader feel satisfied and avoid being left with too many unanswered questions.



      Scene 31 -  Baby's Daring Escape from the Police in a Watts Mall
      74 EXT. THE STREETS OF WATTS - CONTINUOUS 74

      The three of them disappear out of the back of the strip mall.
      Ducking into to a back alley. The sound of police boots and
      screeching tires gaining on them.
      li


      They pound along the alley. Baby is first, looking crazy with
      nk



      his single lens sunglasses. He vaults over a chain link fence
      and runs fast, leaving Darling and Buddy behind.

      He sails across a street, cars screeching around him. Heads for
      Fra




      a memorial park up ahead. Feet pounding.

      Guitars build. Baby runs fast and is out of control. He slams
      into a middle aged male DOG WALKER on a snare hit.

      Drum solo. Baby hides in a clump of trees. Stops. Catches his
      breath. His organs feel like they are in his mouth.

      Vocal section. Crazy yodelling. Hammond Organ. Baby looks
      around. Sees the police chasing Buddy and Darling on foot.
      Black & Whites splitting every which way. Circling the park.
      88.


      The vocalist begins a rising scream. Baby gears up. Knows he
      cannot stop. Police are coming. Chopper blades are closing in.
      The dog walker is waving in the direction of the trees.

      Drum fill into driving heavy guitar. Baby makes a break. Heads
      back into the sun. Cops are suddenly on his heels. One Black &
      White driving onto the park itself.

      Baby runs. Cops won’t shoot. There are too many people in the
      park. Kids scream. Mothers yell. Hobos are tripped over.

      Hectic drum fills and snares build. Baby hotfoots it across a




      AA
      crosswalk, weaving through shoppers as he heads for a -


      75 INT./EXT. RUNDOWN MALL - CONTINUOUS 75




      -C
      Baby slides down banisters into the sunken ground level of a
      busy-ish shopping mall that has seen better days.

      Another crazed drum solo signals his fast descent down the
      stairs and mad dash right into a customer elevator going up.
      att
      More crazy yodelling scores his ascent to a higher level. Baby
      catches his breath in an elevator full of women. Baby looks out
      of place, panting and sweat drenched. He takes off his cyclops
      sunglasses to look less odd. It doesn’t work.
      nL

      As the vocal rises, Baby can see the Cops sweeping the food
      court. At the peak, one cop sees Baby in the elevator. The lift
      doors open. Baby is out of there.

      A frenzied guitar solo sees Baby tear around the top floor. He
      li


      can see cops running up escalators to find him. He tries to
      fast walk, so as not to look conspicuous. He darts into a -
      nk



      76 INT. DISCOUNT CLOTHING STORE - CONTINUOUS 76
      Fra




      Baby takes out his ears. Grabs a baseball cap and disappears
      into aisles stacked with clothes. The track plays faintly in
      his loose earphones and mixes with the store muzak. Baby tries
      on a denim jacket. Picks up new shades. Sees -

      Cops reflected in the convex mirror, high up on the wall.

      Baby avoids them and walks straight back out. The tags on his
      stolen clothing set off the store alarms. The cops turn to see -

      Baby has gone. He has disappeared into a nearby -
      89.


      77 INT. ELECTRONICS STORE - CONTINUOUS 77

      Baby crouches down on the floor of a low rent Best Buy style
      store. He pretends to inspect a particular stereo system.

      One ear bud is back in and the track’s crazy oompah breakdown
      mixes with the disorienting noise of many plasma screens.

      Outside Baby sees the cops run past the store. Their path takes
      his easily distracted eye to a display of televisions.

      Playing on the screens is a scene from ‘Top Hat’ where FRED




      AA
      ASTAIRE tap dances and mimes the massacre of the chorus with
      his cane a substitute for a submachine gun.

      All danger briefly fades as Astaire dancing syncs up with
      Baby’s music. The TVs are placed next to mirrored pillars.




      -C
      Creating a kaleidoscopic effect that mesmerizes...

      It’s fleeting. The cops are back. Breakdown is over.

      The huge guitar riff returns and Baby runs through the store,
      heading not for the exit, but for the staff room. He busts
      att
      through their stock room and past yelling employees to find -
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

      Summary In this intense and thrilling scene, Baby, Buddy, and Darling run from the police through the streets of Watts and eventually lose them in a run-down shopping mall. Baby skillfully evades the cops by blending in with shoppers, trying on new clothes, and hiding in an electronics store. Entranced by a scene from 'Top Hat' on a bank of televisions, Baby snaps out of it when the cops return and runs to the staff room, successfully avoiding capture.
      Strengths
      • Intense and fast-paced action
      • Effective use of music and sound design
      • Strong tension and urgency
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and fast-paced, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The use of music and sound design adds to the excitement and chaos of the chase. The scene effectively showcases Baby's driving skills and his ability to think quickly under pressure.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a high-stakes escape/chase sequence is well-executed in this scene. The use of music and sound design to enhance the tension and action adds a unique element to the concept.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby and the gang trying to escape from the police after a robbery. The fast-paced chase adds excitement and tension to the overall plot.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist being chased by the police is a familiar one, the writer brings freshness to it through the use of music and sensory descriptions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby, Bats, Buddy, and Darling, are well-developed and their personalities shine through their actions and dialogue. Baby's driving skills and quick thinking are showcased, while Bats adds a sense of danger and unpredictability.

      Character Changes: 6

      While there is not significant character development or change in this scene, it does showcase Baby's resourcefulness and ability to handle high-pressure situations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the police and evade capture. This reflects his deeper need for freedom and his fear of being caught and imprisoned.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to physically outrun the police and find a place to hide. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, as he is being chased and pursued by law enforcement.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, with the gang being pursued by the police and facing the danger of being caught. The tension and urgency are palpable throughout the scene.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is being pursued by the police and faces various obstacles in his attempt to escape. The audience is unsure of whether he will be able to outrun and outsmart his pursuers.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the gang risking capture by the police and potentially facing severe consequences for their criminal activities.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by showing the consequences of the gang's actions and the challenges they face in evading the police. It also sets up further conflict and tension for future scenes.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's actions and the obstacles he encounters keep the audience guessing about what will happen next. The presence of the police adds an element of uncertainty and danger.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene elicits a strong emotional response from the audience, primarily through the intense and chaotic nature of the chase. The audience feels the adrenaline and anxiety of the characters.

      Dialogue: 6

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It mainly serves to convey the urgency and tension of the situation.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with fast-paced action, suspense, and a sense of danger. The reader or viewer is drawn into the protagonist's desperate attempt to escape from the police.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of this scene is effective in creating a sense of urgency and tension. The fast-paced action and the use of music contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action beats and a progression of events that build tension and suspense.


      Critique
      • The writing is a bit too hectic and difficult to follow. It's hard to keep track of what's happening and who's doing what.
      • The tone of the scene is a bit too frantic and chaotic. It's hard to feel the tension and suspense when the action is so over-the-top.
      • The characters are not well-developed and it's hard to care about what happens to them.
      • There are a lot of unnecessary details that could be cut.
      • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more impactful.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic and doesn't really resolve the conflict.
      Suggestions
      • Simplify the writing and make it easier to follow.
      • Tone down the chaos and focus on building tension and suspense.
      • Develop the characters more and make them more relatable.
      • Cut out unnecessary details and tighten up the pacing.
      • Shorten the scene and make it more impactful.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that resolves the conflict.



      Scene 32 -  Baby's High-Speed Escape and Shootout with Buddy
      78 INT. FIRE EXIT STAIRS - CONTINUOUS 78
      nL

      Baby busts down the stairs. TRIPS ALARMS. Up above the cops
      burst into the stairwell. Baby sees them. But doesn’t see -

      The cop who enters the stairwell at a lower level. FUCK.
      li


      Baby hits him at full speed. Knocks them both flying. The cop
      slams hard into the door he just opened. Baby tumbles down the
      nk



      next set of stairs. He recovers with a limp. Escapes to -


      79 EXT. RUNDOWN MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS 79
      Fra




      Baby races into the full lot, shaking off his new injury.

      He zeroes in on models of cars from the pre-immobilizer era.
      Spots a 91 Accord, a 95 Civic, a 2003 Corolla.

      As the cops burst into the parking lot, Baby disappears down
      amongst the parked cars, out of their view.

      While on the ground, he tries the doors of the nearest
      vehicles. Then, right in front on him.

      Cops. Run past on foot. Missing him.
      90.


      Baby stands up and on the rising guitar chords, smashes at the
      window of the nearest white Corolla with his elbow.

      CRASH. Baby messily smashes the window. He opens the door and
      sits in the glass as a hectic drum solo plays.

      He tries to hot wire it. But the engine won’t kick over.

      He slumps down in his seat. Cops are running back and forth.
      The rising vocal section builds. Hits a peak.

      The engine fires up and Baby LURCHES forward. His seat belt




      AA
      alarm chimes as he pulls a tight 90 degree turn. Cops spot him.
      Some fire. Sending other shoppers screaming.

      Baby roars forward in the Corolla, clipping trolleys and non-
      compacts as he goes. His wheels SCREAM as he settles into the




      -C
      new car and turns perfect corners to get out of this maze.

      As two guitars rapidly solo, Baby leaves the cops behind,
      snaking through the lot when -

      BOOM. He ploughs hard into a car that is reversing at speed.
      att
      It’s a grey Silverado with broken windows. In the front -

      BUDDY AND DARLING. No fucking way.
      nL
      BUDDY
      No fucking way!

      Cops descending. Both Baby and Buddy try to get their cars
      started again. Buddy’s ride is fucked. It’s not happening.
      li


      Buddy SCREAMS at Baby. The veins in his neck bulging.
      nk



      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      Are you a fucking jinx, you maggot?

      The crazy vocals rise again. Sirens are getting close. Buddy
      Fra




      and Darling jump out of their car. Move toward Baby’s.

      DARLING
      Get us out of here Baby! This is your
      fucking mess.

      An LAPD bullhorn barks for them to put down their -

      BRAT BRAT BRAT. Darling lets rip in the bullhorn’s direction.

      Buddy is about to fire too, when return fire EXPLODES from
      three cops using nearby parked cars as a blockade.

      Buddy ducks, but DARLING IS HIT. And HIT. And HIT. And HIT.
      91.


      Baby is still in the car and can see two things.

      1) DARLING’S BODY RIDDLED WITH BULLETS AND JERKING WILDLY.

      2) BUDDY’S FACE TURNING EXPRESSIONLESS, EYES SEEING RED.

      The bullets stop. Darling drops DEAD. The bullhorn resumes -

      L.A.P.D
      Put your guns dow -

      Nope. Buddy strides around the car and walks directly TOWARDS




      AA
      the cops, firing all the way. He is a man possessed.

      He wastes the police who are in the way. Fearlessly walking
      toward the cops, shooting with fire in his eyes.




      -C
      Three cops are WASTED in Buddy’s vengeance. He then shoots the
      officer with the bullhorn who is back by a squad car.

      What few pedestrians are still in the lot are crying and
      shrieking. Massed sirens. More cops coming and fast.
      att
      The insane pounding guitars still ring in Baby’s ears. He stays
      in the driving seat, waiting for Buddy’s next move.

      He watches as Buddy calmly walks toward him, fixes him with
      nL
      dead eyes, RAISES HIS GUN AND OPENS FIRE.

      Baby slips down in his seat. Pops into reverse blindly. His car
      barrels backwards, as Buddy unloads bullets.

      A final drum solo plays as his Corolla slams into some parked
      li


      cars and he rolls out on to the tarmac.
      nk



      His sunglasses and iPod scatter on the floor as he crawls in
      between some parked cars.

      Buddy approaches, barking madly in between each shot.
      Fra




      BUDDY
      You-should-have-never-picked-up!

      Baby needs the iPod desperately, but cannot reach it without
      exposing himself to Buddy’s hail of bullets, so -

      Baby grabs the revolver of a downed officer. RETURNS FIRE.

      Buddy dodges behind Baby’s crashed car, genuinely not expecting
      fire from Baby. But he’s not surprised to see -

      BABY’S HAND. Reaching out. Trying to grab the dropped iPod.
      92.


      Buddy unleashes lead and BLOWS THE iPOD TO SMITHEREENS.

      End of Song. Then-

      Baby RUNS for it, zig zagging through the parked cars. His only
      rhythm now: the sound of police sirens WOOP WOOPING.

      He runs, turns corners, sprints frantically, trying to escape
      the parking lot and get far away from Buddy and the cops.
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby, injured and on the run, hot-wires a car and leads police on a dangerous chase through a run-down mall parking lot. After crashing into Buddy's truck, a shootout ensues, resulting in the tragic death of Darling. Baby manages to escape and hide while Buddy continues to shoot, destroying Baby's iPod and causing chaos in the parking lot.
      Strengths
      • Intense action sequences
      • High-stakes and tension
      • Chaotic and unpredictable
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and action-packed, with a sense of chaos and danger. The stakes are high, and the violence adds to the tension and suspense.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a dramatic escape from a mall parking lot after a failed robbery is engaging and thrilling. The scene effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation.

      Plot: 8

      The plot of the scene revolves around the gang's attempt to escape from the mall parking lot after a failed robbery. The tension and conflict are high, and the scene moves the story forward.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist trying to escape from the police is familiar, the specific actions and details, such as Baby using a crashed car as cover and the destruction of the iPod, add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby, Buddy, and Darling, are involved in intense and high-stakes situations. Their actions and reactions drive the tension and conflict.

      Character Changes: 7

      The character of Baby undergoes a significant change as he is forced to confront the violent and chaotic consequences of his actions. He becomes more determined and resourceful in his escape.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the police and the criminal Buddy. This reflects Baby's deeper need for freedom and safety.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a car to escape in. This reflects the immediate challenge of evading the police and Buddy.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is intense and constant, with the gang being pursued by the police and engaging in a violent shootout. The stakes are high, and the tension is palpable.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles, including the police and Buddy. The audience is unsure of how Baby will overcome these challenges.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the gang being pursued by the police and facing the threat of capture or death. The intense action and violence heighten the sense of danger and urgency.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up further challenges and obstacles for the gang and propels the narrative towards its climax.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as Baby knocking down a cop and the destruction of the iPod. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a strong emotional response due to the intense action, danger, and the tragic death of Darling. The audience is invested in the characters' survival and feels the tension and fear.

      Dialogue: 6

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful. It mainly consists of brief exchanges between the characters during the intense action sequences.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with high-stakes action and suspense. The fast-paced writing style and the constant threat of danger keep the audience hooked.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and the use of short sentences create a sense of urgency.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of sluglines, action lines, and dialogue. It is easy to read and understand.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action lines and scene headings. The pacing and progression of events are well-executed.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a lot of action and fast-paced events, which is good for keeping the reader engaged. However, there are a few things that could be improved to make the scene more impactful and easier to read.
      • The first issue is that the scene is very long and packed with action. While this can be exciting, it can also be overwhelming for the reader. It would be helpful to break up the scene into smaller chunks, with each chunk focusing on a specific event or character.
      • Another issue is that the dialogue is often difficult to understand. This is because the characters are often speaking quickly and in short, choppy sentences. It would be helpful to slow down the dialogue and make it more clear what the characters are saying.
      • Finally, the scene could benefit from some more description. The writer does a good job of conveying the action, but they could also provide more details about the setting and the characters. This would help the reader to visualize the scene and to connect with the characters on a deeper level.
      Suggestions
      • Break up the scene into smaller chunks, with each chunk focusing on a specific event or character.
      • Slow down the dialogue and make it more clear what the characters are saying.
      • Provide more description of the setting and the characters.



      Scene 33 -  Baby's Desperate Escape
      80 EXT. BACK ON THE STREETS OF WATTS - CONTINUOUS 80




      AA
      We stay with Baby as he sprints through back alleys. The sirens
      and firing sounds fall away and the sound of blood in Baby’s
      eardrums gets louder and louder.




      -C
      Baby swaps his gun between hands and presses on his neck,
      taking his pulse. It beats fast. He runs fast. Very fast.

      Baby closes his eyes and lets his pulse guide him as he runs.

      The sirens fall away, the commotion behind him now. We stay with
      att
      him running, his blood racing, his pulse quick.

      Then slows on the corner of a quieter neighborhood street.
      nL
      He sees an OLDER LADY slowly driving a Purple Pontiac Grand Am
      Coupe. She appears to be listening to a religious radio station.

      Desperate, Baby runs up to her, gun underneath his jacket and in
      a voice like we’ve never heard from him -
      li


      BABY
      Get the fuck out of the car lady!
      nk



      Baby channels the (now deceased) Bats. The Older Lady freaks.

      She gets the fuck out and we FOLLOW HER as she runs across the
      Fra




      street and over the low wall of a nearby lot.

      She decides to stay low on the ground, hide. Then as her
      breathing calms, she hears something curious -

      THE SOUND OF SWITCHING STATIONS... Her car appears to still be
      idling. She hasn’t heard it leave. But she does hear -

      A ballad. A dry news report. A country ballad. Traditional
      Mexican music. Another ballad. Another ballad. A slow soul
      track. A commercial. Another ballad...

      The Lady looks over the wall and sees Baby still in the Pontiac,
      trying to find the correct song on the radio to drive off.
      93.


      She looks at him dumbstruck. He looks at the car stereo, fully
      concentrating on his search for tempo.

      The final insult is Laurie Anderson’s ‘Oh Superman’. As this
      super slow avant garde piece plays, Baby looks up and meets
      eyes with the Lady for a second. Then he says-

      BABY (CONT’D)
      I’m so sorry.

      ‘Radar Love’ by Golden Earring comes onto the radio. Baby turns
      the volume WAY UP, pops it into drive and peels out fast.




      AA
      GOLDEN EARRING
      “We’ve got a thing that’s called a
      radar love!”




      -C
      The Lady watches him go. What the -
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In the Watts neighborhood, a blood-covered Baby frantically runs from the police, zigzagging between parked cars in back alleys. He intimidates an older lady into abandoning her purple Pontiac Grand Am, jumps in, and settles on 'Radar Love' by Golden Earring, driving away as the lady hides in fear. The scene is tense and frantic, punctuated by Baby's command to 'Get the fuck out of the car lady!'
      Strengths
      • Intense action sequences
      • Effective use of music to enhance tension
      • Well-developed characters
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development in this specific scene

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and fast-paced, with a sense of desperation and chaos. It effectively builds tension and showcases the unique elements of the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using music as a driving force and escape mechanism is innovative and adds a unique layer to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is gripping and propels the story forward. The robbery and subsequent escape create high stakes and keep the audience engaged.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist stealing a car to escape is not entirely unique, the specific details and the protagonist's internal experience add freshness to the familiar scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict in the scene.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it further develops Baby's internal conflict and sets the stage for potential growth and change in future scenes.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the police and the dangerous situation he is in. This goal reflects his deeper need for freedom, safety, and survival.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to steal the Older Lady's car in order to make his getaway. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, as he needs a means of escape.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The tension between Baby and Bats, the police chase, and the high stakes of the robbery create a sense of constant danger.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of stealing the car while being pursued by the police. The audience doesn't know how he will overcome this obstacle.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters involved in a dangerous robbery and being pursued by the police. The outcome of their actions has significant consequences.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the execution of the robbery and the subsequent escape. It sets up future conflicts and challenges for the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist's interaction with the Older Lady will unfold. The unexpected choice of songs on the radio adds an element of surprise.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, anxiety, and desperation. The audience is invested in Baby's journey and the outcome of the robbery.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is sharp and reflects the personalities of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall tension.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the reader's attention with its intense and fast-paced action. The protagonist's desperate situation and the tension created by his interaction with the Older Lady keep the audience invested in the scene.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and the protagonist's internal thoughts create a sense of urgency and suspense.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and builds tension and suspense.


      Critique
      • The scene is very disjointed and lacks transitions. It is unclear how Baby gets from the parking lot to the streets of Watts, and then to the back alleys. The scene would benefit from more detailed descriptions of the locations and how Baby moves between them.
      • The dialogue is sparse and does not reveal much about Baby's character or motivations. He simply runs and says one line to the Older Lady, which is not very convincing.
      • The action is described in a very mechanical way, without much sense of tension or suspense. The reader is told that Baby is running fast and that he is desperate, but there is no real sense of danger or urgency. The scene would benefit from more vivid and engaging language.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Baby simply finds a car and drives away, without any resolution to the conflict with the police or Buddy. The scene would benefit from a more satisfying conclusion.
      Suggestions
      • Add more descriptive details of the locations and how Baby moves between them. For example, you could describe the streets of Watts as being crowded and noisy, with people going about their daily lives. You could also describe the back alleys as being dark and deserted, with a sense of danger lurking around every corner.
      • Expand the dialogue to reveal more about Baby's character and motivations. For example, you could have him talk to himself as he runs, revealing his thoughts and feelings about the situation he is in. You could also have him interact with other characters, such as the Older Lady, in a way that reveals more about his personality.
      • Use more vivid and engaging language to describe the action. For example, instead of saying that Baby is running fast, you could say that he is sprinting with all his might, his legs burning and his lungs screaming for air. You could also use similes and metaphors to create a more vivid picture of the action, such as saying that Baby is running like a cheetah or that he is weaving through the traffic like a snake.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying conclusion. For example, you could have Baby escape from the police and Buddy, but then have him be confronted by another obstacle, such as a roadblock. This would create a more sense of tension and suspense, and would leave the reader wanting more.



      Scene 34 -  Escape from Danger: Baby and the Elderly Man's Hasty Departure
      81 INT. BARE APARTMENT - LATER 81

      The Elderly Man asleep in front of the TV news. On it: live
      att
      helicopter footage of Buddy carjacking a Red Durango as he
      battles police in the streets.

      The window is open and we can hear ‘Radar Love’ playing even
      nL
      before we see a car pulling up. (It’s a long song).


      82 INT./EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - CONTINUOUS 82

      Baby parks the Pontiac, but doesn’t want to switch off the
      li


      radio. He looks up. Sees the window is open upstairs.
      nk



      Baby leaves the engine running and the radio playing as he runs
      into this apartment block. He leaves the main door open so the
      music can echo around the stairwell.
      Fra




      The elevator is not on the ground and is slowly ascending so he
      runs up the stairs two at a time and bursts into the -


      83 INT. BARE APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 83

      Baby wakes the Elderly Man. On the TV is live coverage of Buddy
      making his escape from the police in the Red Durango. Baby
      communicates quickly in sign language. No subtitles.

      BABY
      We have to go. Bad.

      Before Baby can explain, ‘Radar Love’ STOPS PLAYING outside.
      94.


      Baby looks out. A red bullet riddled Durango is parked next to
      his car. The doors are wide open and fuck -

      Baby grabs a vinyl record, a battered copy of ‘Motown
      Chartbusters Vol 3’. He puts it on to the stereo and places the
      needle on the track he needs: ‘Edwin Starr’s S.O.S’.

      He then wheels the Elderly Man into the center of the room. He
      rips out the floorboard and stuffs as many dollars into the
      Elderly Man’s gown and blanket as possible.

      He puts the rest of the money in a duffel. Grabs his address




      AA
      book, but does not see A LOOSE PAGE flutter to the floor.

      He grabs a dictaphone. Another portable recorder. Medication. A
      stack of D90s. He’s about to grab some iPods, when -




      -C
      SMASH. The window by the fire escape is being KICKED IN.

      Baby leaves all his iPods behind. He wheels the Elderly Man’s
      chair around, pushes him fast through the front door.

      EDWIN STARR
      att
      ‘I’m sending out an SOS, because I am
      so much distress’

      Hot on their tail. BUDDY. He climbs through the broken window
      nL
      to the empty apartment where Edwin Starr still blares. He sees
      the loose page of the address book on the floor. It reads -

      Doc - 3108045898

      Debora - ?
      li


      Buddy grabs the paper, runs to the front door and sees that the
      nk



      elevator is descending...

      EDWIN STARR (CONT’D)
      “If you see my baby, if you see my
      Fra




      baby, stop her on sight”

      Buddy runs down the stairs to intercept the elevator. He hits
      the ground first and waits for the doors to open.

      Inside is the Elderly Man. Looking frail, innocent. Buddy looks
      like he is about to grab the handicapped man when -

      SIRENS are heard, helicopters, bullhorns, boots stomping.

      Buddy looks up the stairwell. Sees Baby. Looking back down.
      Buddy glares. His face white with fury. Before he can chase -
      95.


      POLICE BUST THROUGH THE DOOR - Buddy turns and fires. Baby
      doesn’t stick around to find out what happens next.

      He runs back into the apartment. The phone still ringing. Grabs
      a single iPod before jumping out onto the fire escape.
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

      Summary In a tense and urgent scene, Baby arrives at the Elderly Man's apartment to find him asleep in front of the TV news. They must leave quickly due to the danger posed by Buddy. Amidst the chaos, Baby grabs a vinyl record and dictaphone, stuffing money into the Elderly Man's gown. Buddy attempts to stop them, but the police interrupt, and he is forced to flee. The scene ends with Baby grabbing a single iPod and jumping out onto the fire escape.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Suspenseful pacing
      • Unique use of music
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal dialogue
      • Lack of character development for some characters

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is filled with intense action and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The high stakes and desperate escape add to the tension and excitement.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a heist gone wrong and the subsequent escape from the police is a familiar but well-executed idea. The scene adds unique elements such as the use of music and Baby's recording habit to enhance the concept.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is fast-paced and filled with action. It moves the story forward by showing the consequences of the robbery and Baby's attempt to escape. The car chase and the encounter with Buddy add unexpected twists to the plot.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a protagonist trying to escape from pursuers is familiar, the specific details and fresh approaches make it unique. The use of sign language for communication, the choice of music to create atmosphere, and the visual descriptions add originality to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to its originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict. Baby's determination to protect the Elderly Man and Buddy's relentless pursuit add depth to the characters.

      Character Changes: 7

      Baby undergoes a character change as he becomes more determined and resourceful in his attempt to escape. Buddy's relentless pursuit and Bats' betrayal also contribute to the character changes in the scene.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and save the Elderly Man. This reflects Baby's deeper need for redemption and a desire to do the right thing after being involved in criminal activities. It also reflects his fear of being caught by the police and his desire to start a new life.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Buddy and the police. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges Baby is facing, including the threat of violence and being caught by the authorities.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both physical and emotional. The conflict between Baby and Buddy, the shootout with the police, and the desperate escape create a high level of tension and suspense.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with Buddy and the police acting as formidable obstacles for the protagonist. The uncertainty of their actions and the threat of violence create tension and raise the stakes. The audience is unsure of how Baby will overcome this opposition.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing the threat of capture and death. The intense action and the desperate escape add to the high stakes.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by showing the consequences of the robbery and Baby's attempt to escape. It introduces new obstacles and raises the stakes for the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and twists. The sudden appearance of Buddy, the broken window, and the police intervention create uncertainty and tension. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will escape and what consequences he will face.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the values of redemption and the consequences of one's actions. Baby's internal struggle to do the right thing and protect the Elderly Man clashes with Buddy's pursuit of criminal activities and disregard for others' lives. This challenges Baby's beliefs and values, forcing him to make difficult choices.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, tension, and desperation. Baby's determination to protect the Elderly Man and his emotional connection to the music add depth to the scene.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful. The use of sign language between Baby and the Elderly Man adds a unique element to the dialogue. Bats' taunting and Buddy's threatening dialogue create tension and conflict.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of urgency, suspense, and danger. The fast-paced action, the threat of violence, and the protagonist's moral dilemma keep the audience invested in the outcome. The visual and descriptive language, along with the minimal but impactful dialogue, enhance the engagement level.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and the use of visual cues create a sense of urgency and tension. The scene's pacing aligns with the mood and atmosphere of the story.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The use of capitalization and italics for emphasis is consistent and effective. The scene is well-paced and easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot of the apartment, introduces the conflict and goals, and progresses through a series of actions and obstacles. The scene ends with a cliffhanger, leaving the audience wanting to know what happens next.


      Critique
      • The scene is a bit confusing and hard to follow. It's not clear what's going on or why the characters are doing what they're doing.
      • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like how people actually talk.
      • The action is a bit slow and doesn't really build to a climax.
      • The ending is a bit abrupt and doesn't really resolve the conflict.
      Suggestions
      • Add more context to the scene so that the reader knows what's going on.
      • Make the dialogue more natural and believable.
      • Add more action to the scene and build to a climax.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that resolves the conflict.



      Scene 35 -  Baby's Daring Escape and Heartfelt Goodbye
      84 EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - CONTINUOUS 84

      And heads down. Behind him gunfire, massed sirens, ‘copters.

      Baby puts his ear phones in. Spins the wheel on this (older)




      AA
      iPod. Gets half way down the escape, jumps to the next roof-

      Hides behind a stairwell exit on the next roof and finds a
      track on his iPod that has the right urgency. He plays-




      -C
      ‘Middle’ by Rocket From The Crypt.

      ROCKET FROM THE CRYPT
      “Are you stuck in the middle? Way-oh
      way-oh!”
      att
      Baby looks to the fire escape. Hears gun fire from inside.

      Baby looks up. A police helicopter is above and hovering.
      nL
      Baby looks at entrance of his building. Cops swarm in.

      Baby looks down to the street. The Elderly Man wheels along.

      Baby looks further down. Sees a Sentra in a handicapped spot.
      li


      The song kicks into gear. He hears a CLANK behind him.
      nk



      Buddy is atop the fire escape. Aiming his gun right at him.

      Baby bolts. Runs fast across the roof. The copter sees him
      sprinting and bellows with a loud hailer. Shots are fired.
      Fra




      Baby jumps -

      Lands in a dumpster, he emerges with a rock in hand and sprints
      for the Sentra. He throws the rock at the window and dives into
      the car. Boosts it. Hits reverse fast and heads back up the
      street to pick up his uncle.

      DING DING DING. As the car reverses, Baby keeps his head down
      and watches the BACK UP CAMERA. Cops have run right past the
      Elderly Man who is wheeling slowly down the street.

      Baby stops and gets out. Leaving the car DINGing in reverse.
      96.


      He runs over and grabs the Elderly Man out of the chair.
      Throwing him over his shoulder, Baby runs to put him in the
      passenger seat of the newly stolen vehicle.

      One cop turns back to see an empty wheelchair rolling down the
      street unmanned. He looks over to the car and sees -

      Baby. In the Sentra. Pulling a sharp 180 that swerves on the
      sidewalk. Before the cop has time to call his colleagues-

      Baby is in drive. Flooring it.




      AA
      85 INT. SENTRA - CONTINUOUS 85

      Baby looks in the rear view. Leaving the cops and Buddy behind
      him. He looks to the Elderly Man. Signs.




      -C
      BABY
      We’re good.


      86 EXT. RETIREMENT HOME - EVENING 86
      att
      Baby pulls up outside a sign reading ‘Holiday Villa’. A well
      lit path through verdant gardens leads to the entrance.
      nL
      The Elderly Man is asleep in shotgun. Baby looks at him sadly.
      He takes the Dictaphone and records the following.

      BABY
      Hello. My name is Joseph. I like
      watching TV and sometimes I like to
      li


      listen to old records through the
      vibrations. I also like frozen peas,
      nk



      meatloaf and white bread and peanut
      butter. And bananas. Please look after
      me. Thank you.
      Fra




      Baby puts the Dictaphone in Joseph’s lap. He is now awake and
      smiling back at Baby. It’s bittersweet.

      Baby bottles his guilt. Runs up the path. The ‘open door’ chime
      pings in his wake. Joseph is not sure if Baby has gone.

      But Baby returns. Standing outside the car with another
      wheelchair he has seemingly stolen from the home.

      Joseph signs to Baby. And for once, subtitles.

      JOSEPH
      Where are you going?
      97.


      BABY
      Away.

      Baby wheels Joseph down the path to the entrance.

      JOSEPH
      Will you come back?

      BABY
      I don’t know. I want you to be safe.

      JOSEPH




      AA
      Are you in trouble?

      BABY
      I don’t want to be in trouble anymore.




      -C
      The sound of CHOPPER BLADES. Baby and Joseph look up as a
      police searchlight illuminates the Sentra in the driveway.

      The spotlight then illuminates Joseph alone in his wheelchair.

      No Baby.
      att
      87 EXT. THE SUBURBS - EVENING 87
      nL
      Hi hat drums. Baby walks the dark streets. Past parked cars.

      A kik drum hits. Baby stops. A cop car cruises through a cross
      street up ahead.

      A discordant violin drone. The police helicopter is still up
      li


      above. Getting closer.
      nk



      Heavy breaths. A bass guitar joins the kik hits. A young female
      dog walker strolls in the opposite direction.

      Violins climb. Baby tries every car door he passes. The cop car
      Fra




      slows, shining a torch at him. The searchlight comes close. The
      dog walker gives Baby a long double take. When -

      One car door is unlocked. Baby opens it. Slips in. Boosts it. A
      downwards piano glissando takes us to -


      88 EXT. HALF EMPTY DINER - NIGHT 88

      ‘Never Never Gonna Give You Up’ by Barry White.

      The welcoming neon lights of the diner reflect on Baby’s
      windshield as he pulls up to the shuffling groove.
      98.


      As Barry sings ‘ooh baby’, our Baby looks determined as he
      parks up right outside the doors of the diner.

      Harpischords and high strings score his immediate view. Debora.
      Behind the counter. Looking unhappy.

      Baby’s heart beats with the electric bass on the track. As
      Barry breathes, Baby takes deep breaths. Whispers to himself -

      BABY
      Go in and get her. Go in. Get her.




      AA
      89 INT. HALF EMPTY DINER - NIGHT 89

      Baby walks in. Takes his shades off. Leaves his earphones in.
      Debora sees him. Looks surprised to see him.




      -C
      BARRY WHITE
      Wherever wherever girl, I’ll do it.
      Forever and ever, yeah yeah yeah yeah,
      I’ll see you through it.
      att
      Once again, Debora is framed beautifully amongst the wall art
      of couples in convertibles, auto dreams of romantic escape.

      Baby smiles. Debora doesn’t match it. She looks worried. And
      nL
      unsure of him. Then Baby sees on the counter in front of her.

      A half drunk coffee. A torn napkin. The missing page from his
      address book. With Doc’s number and Debora’s name on it.

      Debora looks at Baby with fresh eyes. Like she doesn’t know him
      li


      at all. And she looks scared. She says quietly.
      nk



      DEBORA
      Your buddy is here...

      She looks to the rest room. Baby follows her gaze.
      Fra




      BUDDY stands outside the rest room door. His eyes are black. He
      seems like he’s in monochrome, grief and rage making him a
      scary shell of his former self.

      Aside from the three of them, the diner is empty. With Barry
      White still playing, this quiet stand off feels operatic.

      A flute flourish. Baby and Buddy stand still. No one makes a
      move. Buddy stares right through his former colleague.

      Debora, breathing fast. Looks between them, then to the TV.
      99.


      On the wall mounted TV, THE NEWS. There’s photos and full names
      for Bats (Leo Brubaker III) and Darling (Monica Rosen).

      For Buddy, a photo, a full name and an angle (James Patrick
      Morgan: ‘Former Wall Street Trader Wanted For Cop Killings’).

      Baby only has a sketchy artist’s rendering of his face.

      Buddy and Baby fixate on the news coverage, when -

      RED AND BLUE LIGHTS reflect on the diner windows. COP CARS
      CIRCLE. One cruises in. Parks right next to Baby’s car.




      AA
      Buddy calmly walks back to his spot at the counter. Baby slowly
      joins him. They sit on stools next to each other.

      Outside. One cop stays by the car on the radio, the other




      -C
      officer moves slowly towards the diner doors. Buddy shows
      Debora his gun over the counter and nods to her.

      She nods back and pours Buddy some more coffee. As Debora
      pours, Baby makes eye contact with her as Barry sings.
      att
      BARRY WHITE
      “Cause I found what the world is
      searching for. Here, right here my
      dear, I don’t have to look no more.”
      nL

      Baby looks emotional. Debora can tell that he is upset. Baby
      picks up a pen and a suggestion slip, writes something in his
      childish scrawl. She tries to read it upside down when -

      THE COP walks in. Doesn’t see the TV, waves to Debora, heads
      li


      for the mens’. The song strings build to a chorus where -
      nk



      Buddy takes one of Baby’s earphones and listens in too -

      BARRY WHITE (CONT’D)
      “Never, never gonna give you up. I’m
      Fra




      never ever gonna stop.”

      Buddy fixes Baby with intent, a seething fury. This is not
      about the girl anymore. This is about settling a score.

      BARRY WHITE (CONT’D)
      “I’m never ever gonna quit. Cause
      quittin’ just ain’t my schtick.”

      In the middle of this pop standoff, Debora breathes fast.

      BARRY WHITE (CONT’D)
      “Gonna stay right here with you-“
      100.


      THE SONG STOPS. Baby sees that the iPod reads ‘Error 1407’.

      BUDDY
      It’s dead, Baby.

      The door to the rest rooms opens. All three turn to see -

      The OTHER WAITRESS comes out. Clearly starting her shift. She
      yawns. Doesn’t clock that anything is wrong.

      OTHER WAITRESS
      How you two doin’?




      AA
      On Buddy. “Two?” He swivels on his stool. Baby is gone.

      So is the piece of paper with Doc’s number. Debora sees the
      suggestion slip left behind. On it -




      -C
      “SORRY”

      Buddy bolts after him into the parking lot. He can’t see Baby
      or his car. The Pacific Ghost is gone.
      att
      The cop, still on his radio, looks up as Buddy screams out.

      BUDDY
      You can’t keep on running, Baby!
      nL

      The cop wonders who this crazy man yelling is -

      COP
      Sir?
      li


      Buddy calmly turns to him, raises his pistol. BLAM.
      nk
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary In this tense and action-packed scene, Baby escapes from the police by jumping to the next roof and stealing a car. He drops off his uncle at a retirement home and records a message for him, leaving him behind. Baby has a standoff with Buddy at a diner, but manages to escape while the police surround the building. The scene takes place on various rooftops, in the streets, at a retirement home, and in a diner, and ends with Baby successfully evading Buddy and the police.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Emotional moments
      • Engaging plot
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more impactful

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its intense action and emotional moments. The stakes are high, and the tension is palpable throughout.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a high-stakes escape from the police is executed effectively, with the added emotional element of Baby's concern for the Elderly Man. The scene showcases the consequences of Baby's involvement in the criminal world and his desire to protect those he cares about.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's escape from the police and his attempt to protect the Elderly Man. The action is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged. The scene also advances the overall plot of the film by highlighting the escalating conflict between Baby and Buddy.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a protagonist trying to escape from the police is familiar, the specific actions and details, such as Baby using an older iPod and a backup camera, add a fresh and unique element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby and Buddy, are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clearly conveyed. The audience is invested in their fates and the conflict between them adds depth to the scene.

      Character Changes: 8

      Baby undergoes a significant change in this scene, as he prioritizes the safety of the Elderly Man over his own escape. This showcases his growth and development as a character.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the police and keep himself and the Elderly Man safe. This reflects Baby's desire to break free from his life of crime and protect those he cares about.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the police and get away in the stolen car. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between Baby and Buddy, as well as the conflict between Baby and the police. The stakes are high and the audience is invested in the outcome.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is being pursued by the police and faces the threat of being caught. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with Baby's life and the safety of the Elderly Man on the line. The intense action and suspense keep the audience engaged.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between Baby and Buddy and setting up the final act of the film. It also reveals more about Baby's character and motivations.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's actions and the unfolding events keep the reader guessing about what will happen next. The introduction of the Elderly Man and the stolen wheelchair add unexpected elements to the scene.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is not a clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, sadness, and anxiety. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters and their fates.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene is concise and impactful. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters. The use of subtitles for Joseph's signing adds an additional layer of communication.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with fast-paced action and suspense. The reader is immediately drawn into the high-stakes situation and is invested in the protagonist's escape.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's engagement. The fast-paced action and concise writing contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are all properly formatted.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, followed by a series of actions and reactions, and ends with a cliffhanger.


      Critique
      • This scene, which starts with Baby jumping to safety from the previous scene, is well-written and engaging. It successfully builds on the tension and suspense of the previous scene and keeps the reader invested in the story.
      • However, one element that could be improved is the description of the setting. While the reader understands that Baby is on a rooftop and then in an apartment, more details about the surroundings would help immerse the reader in the scene and create a more vivid image.
      • Additionally, the dialogue could be enhanced to add more depth and character to Buddy. While his anger and determination are evident, giving him more distinct and personalized lines would make his character more memorable.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Baby finding an iPod and jumping out onto a fire escape, leaving the reader slightly disoriented. Adding a brief transition or a sentence to smooth the transition to the next scene would improve the flow.
      • Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively moves the plot forward and keeps the reader engaged. With some added details and refinements, it could be even more impactful.
      Suggestions
      • Add more descriptive details about the rooftop and apartment to provide a stronger sense of place and enhance the reader's visualization.
      • Expand Buddy's dialogue with unique and character-driven lines to make him more memorable and convey his emotions more effectively.
      • Include a brief transition or sentence at the end of the scene to create a smoother flow into the next scene, providing a clearer sense of progression for the reader.



      Scene 36 -  Baby's Desperate Plea for Help
      90 INT./EXT. CALLBOX/ PARK - NIGHT 90

      “3108045898”
      Fra




      Baby punches the number into a call box phone. He’s in the park
      near his old apartment block. That area is cordoned and
      swarming with cops. As the phone rings he looks at his
      immediate environment. It’s populated by the homeless and kids
      looking to get high. The summer air thick with noise.

      Snatches of unfamiliar music. Car alarms. Partying. The still
      omnipresent sound of nearby chopper blades.

      Baby wants out. The phone picks up at the other end.

      DOC (O.S.)
      I ain’t open.
      101.


      BABY
      It’s Baby.

      DOC (O.S.)
      I know. I ain’t open.

      BABY
      I need your help.

      DOC (O.S.)
      You had my help.




      AA
      BABY
      I can give some of the money back. I
      don’t want it.




      -C
      91 INT./EXT. PHONE BOX/DOC’S - NIGHT 91

      Doc laughs, incredulous. He shakes his head.

      DOC
      It don’t work like that. You got
      att
      another debt now. One you can’t pay
      off. You think the cops are gonna take
      a check? Think that Buddy has a figure
      in mind that can replace Darling? None
      nL
      of this is going to go away because
      you don’t wanna play anymore. Whether
      you pulled the trigger or not, cops
      are dead. You are not going to get
      cuffed, they are going to kill you.
      Whether you shot her or not, someone’s
      li


      girl is dead. He is not going to
      forget it.
      nk



      BABY
      Doc, you gotta understand-
      Fra




      DOC
      And don’t give me any more lines from
      ‘Monsters Inc’ kid. Yeah, I figured
      that one out. It’s one of Samm’s
      favorites. I thought it sounded
      familiar, you little shit.

      BABY
      ...

      DOC
      You there?
      102.


      BABY
      I’m scared Doc. I fucked up.

      Doc softens. He’s alone in the warehouse. His jacket is on.

      DOC
      I know you did. I know you did.
      (beat)
      Look, the cops are not going anywhere
      and I don’t think it’s in you to take
      Buddy’s wind, so the only good news is
      you like driving. Because you’re going




      AA
      to have to hit the gas and not take
      your foot off for 20 years.

      BABY
      Yeah.




      -C
      DOC
      Listen. I’m shutting up shop. And real
      soon. Too much bad business. Not my
      style. But I think I can help you. So
      here’s what we are going to do -
      att
      A noise off. Doc’s manner suddenly changes.

      DOC (CONT’D)
      nL
      You’re going to go to the florist’s
      first thing tomorrow and you’re gonna
      drop off the flowers to my mother. Big
      arrangement, I don’t know all the names,
      whatever you think looks good. Get them
      to her before ten. She’s gotta go out.
      li


      What? Baby is confused on his end of the phone.
      nk



      DOC (CONT’D)
      Card should read ‘Congratulations on
      this special day. All my love, your
      Fra




      favorite son, Harry’.

      On Doc’s end we see, out of focus, behind. BUDDY.

      DOC (CONT’D)
      Any problems. You got my number.

      Doc hangs up. Senses someone behind him. Plays it cool. Turns
      to see the ashen faced, dangerous Buddy.

      BUDDY
      Where is he?
      103.


      DOC
      Who? Baby?

      BUDDY
      Don’t fuck around Doc. Where is he?

      DOC
      You think I know where he is? He could
      be anywhere.

      BUDDY
      He could be. But’s he not. The kid




      AA
      ain’t that bright. I don’t think he
      knows where to go apart from his
      place, that diner or here.

      DOC




      -C
      You saw him last, not me.

      BUDDY
      You put him on our score Doc. Him and
      that ticking timebomb Bats. I took your
      fucking word for them. Darling took your
      att
      fucking word for them. Your
      recommendation. So I am going to
      recommend you tell me where Baby is,
      because whether it’s your fucking
      nL
      mother’s birthday or not, I don’t think
      you want to see her cry tomorrow.

      DOC
      (calm, strong)
      I know that you’re hurting. And I know
      li


      that you want to kill Baby. Maybe you
      think killing him will fill that hole
      nk



      inside you. That you can mend your
      bleeding heart by stopping his. And you
      want me to help you do it. But I ain’t
      going to do that Buddy. Because I am not
      Fra




      your doctor... Even though my name is Doc.

      Buddy looks at him, unblinking.

      BUDDY
      So that’s that.

      DOC
      Yeah. That’s that.
      104.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby, in a panic, calls Doc from a phone booth near his old apartment, which is swarming with cops. Despite his initial refusal, Doc eventually agrees to help Baby in exchange for some of the money back. However, their conversation is interrupted by Buddy, who appears behind Doc and demands to know where Baby is. The scene is tense and urgent, with Baby showing clear signs of fear and Doc appearing stressed and reluctant.
      Strengths
      • Intense tension
      • Compelling dialogue
      • Strong emotional impact
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and suspenseful, with a strong emotional impact. The dialogue is well-written and the conflict level is high, driving the plot forward.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the scene, which involves the protagonist seeking help from his mentor while being hunted by criminals, is engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is gripping and fast-paced, with the protagonist desperately trying to find a way out of his dangerous situation.

      Originality: 8

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to the protagonist's internal and external goals. The dialogue and interactions between the characters feel authentic and unique, adding to the overall authenticity of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clearly portrayed. The protagonist's fear and desperation are particularly compelling.

      Character Changes: 8

      The protagonist undergoes a significant change in this scene, as he realizes the gravity of his situation and becomes desperate for a way out.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek help and find a way out of his current situation. This reflects his deeper need to escape the consequences of his actions and his fear of being caught or killed.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince Doc to help him and to find a solution to his problems. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as being pursued by the police and facing the threat of violence from Buddy.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the protagonist facing threats from both the police and the criminals he was involved with.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with Buddy posing a significant threat to the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will escape or overcome this opposition.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as the protagonist's life is in danger and he must find a way to escape both the police and the criminals.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the protagonist's desperate situation and setting up the stakes for the climax of the film.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the protagonist. The reader is unsure of how the situation will unfold and what choices the protagonist will make.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to escape the consequences of his actions and Doc's refusal to help him. This challenges the protagonist's belief that he can simply give back the money and avoid further trouble.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, regret, and desperation, particularly through the protagonist's plea for help and his realization of the dire consequences of his actions.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and driving the tension of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and suspense through its dialogue and description. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's struggle and wants to know what will happen next.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the reader engaged and wanting to know what happens next.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions. It is clear and easy to read.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It effectively moves the story forward and develops the characters and their conflicts.


      Critique
      • The scene's dialogue is strong and impactful, with Doc's monologue providing a lot of emotional weight and tension.
      • The scene effectively conveys the danger and urgency of Baby's situation, with the swarming cops and Buddy's pursuit adding to the stakes.
      • The setting of the call box phone near Baby's old apartment block is well-chosen, as it adds to the sense of familiarity and nostalgia that Baby feels for his old life.
      • The use of sound in the scene, such as the unfamiliar music, car alarms, and chopper blades, helps to create a chaotic and tense atmosphere.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding more visual details to the scene to help the reader better imagine the environment. For example, you could describe the appearance of the call box phone, the park, and the people in it.
      • Consider adding more physical actions to the scene to help break up the dialogue and add a sense of urgency. For example, Baby could be pacing back and forth as he talks on the phone, or he could be looking over his shoulder nervously.
      • Consider adding more sensory details to the scene to help immerse the reader in the environment. For example, you could describe the smell of the summer air, the feeling of the phone in Baby's hand, or the sound of his own breathing.
      • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions to the scene to help the reader understand Baby's state of mind. For example, you could describe his fear, regret, or desperation as he talks to Doc.



      Scene 37 -  Baby Finds Motivation and Acquires a Red Mustang
      92 EXT. PARK - NIGHT 92

      Baby sits on a low wall, deciphering that last phone call. He
      has a portable cassette player and rewinds Doc’s command.

      DOC (ON TAPE)
      You’re going to go to the florist’s
      first thing tomorrow and you’re gonna
      drop off the flowers to my mother.
      (rewind)
      You’re going to go to the florist's
      first thing tomorrow.




      AA
      (rewind)
      You’re going to go to the florist's-

      Baby stops the tape. It makes no sense to him. He looks around
      him. The world feels so alien without music.




      -C
      He sees the auto reverse button. He pushes it. The tape flips.
      He hears from way earlier.

      NICE LADY TELLER (ON TAPE)
      It would be nice to get away. With all
      att
      this heat.

      VEEP. Baby rewinds it. Listens again. Suddenly it becomes clear.
      nL
      Baby looks at the money, the gun, the bag. And suddenly hears -

      ‘Theme From Shaft’ by Isaac Hayes.

      It’s in his head telling him to get up and get out.
      li


      Baby looks determined. He then realizes that it’s not in his
      head. Nor is it Isaac Hayes. He looks up to see -
      nk



      A red tricked out 2012 Ford Mustang V6 Premium driven by Black
      GANGBANGERS pulls up near Baby.
      Fra




      They listen to the Shaft sampling- ‘Know How’ by Young MC.

      One would not normally fuck with these guys, but the music moves
      Baby to stand up, walk over and order them to -

      BABY
      Get out.

      The young Gangbangers look up. Laugh at this white kid.

      BABY (CONT’D)
      Get out of the car.

      They look at his hands. One is firmly in his jacket pocket.
      105.


      GANG 1
      Better be good with that gun homey.

      Baby pulls out the gun from his pocket. Shows it.

      BABY
      I am.

      GANG 2
      Might be the last car you steal.

      BABY




      AA
      Don’t wanna steal it. I wanna buy it.

      More of them laugh at this. Baby points the gun firmly.

      BABY (CONT’D)




      -C
      I’m serious. Sell me your car.

      Uh okay. The laughter is more muted as Baby forces them out at
      gunpoint. They slowly leave the Mustang, hands aloft.

      As Baby gets to the driver’s door, he tosses a huge stack of
      att
      bills to the original owner. His friend wows at the amount.

      GANG 2
      This some crazy ass shit.
      nL

      Baby goes to reverse out when the driver shouts -

      GANG 1
      Yo yo. Can I get my iPhone?
      li


      The driver reaches inside. Baby points the gun at him.
      nk



      BABY
      No.

      Baby reverses out of there as YOUNG MC steps up to the mic.
      Fra




      YOUNG MC
      “Some of the busiest rhymes ever made
      by man, Are goin' into this mic,
      written by this hand, Are comin' out
      of this mouth, made by this tongue,
      I'll tell you now my name, my name is
      Young - “

      MONTAGE: ‘Know How’ by Young MC

      - See Baby driving down LA STREETS, powered by the music.

      - See Baby pull into a RECORD STORE.
      106.


      - See him stride as if his life depends on it. It kinda does.

      YOUNG MC (CONT’D)
      “Pullin' out rhymes like books off the
      shelf - “

      - Baby walks right up to the ‘Q’ section. Takes Queen’s ‘Sheer
      Heart Attack’ off the rack.

      Then sees Quincy Jones’ ‘Big Band Bossa Nova’. He swipes both.
      Pays with a crisp 100 dollar bill.




      AA
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Thriller"]

      Summary In this tense yet hopeful scene, Baby finds himself lost without music and hears 'Theme From Shaft' in his head. A red Mustang with gangbangers arrives, playing 'Know How'. Inspired by the music, Baby approaches them, pulls out a gun, and forces them to sell the car, resolving his internal conflict and finding motivation. The scene ends with Baby driving away in the Mustang, listening to 'Know How'.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Tense atmosphere
      • Unique use of music
      Weaknesses
      • Limited dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      This scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong sense of tension and suspense. The use of music as a motivating factor for Baby adds a unique and memorable element to the scene. The action and conflict are well-executed, and the scene effectively moves the story forward.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using music as a driving force for the protagonist's actions is innovative and adds depth to the scene. The scene also explores themes of desperation, survival, and the lengths one will go to protect themselves and their loved ones.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is well-developed and engaging. It follows Baby's journey as he escapes from the police and navigates dangerous situations. The tension and conflict are high, and the scene effectively advances the overall plot of the film.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism and originality to the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in this scene are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Baby's determination and resourcefulness are showcased, while the gangbangers add a sense of danger and unpredictability. The characters' actions and interactions drive the scene forward.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not significant character development in this scene, Baby's actions and resourcefulness showcase his growth and adaptability in high-pressure situations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of purpose and direction. He feels lost and disconnected without music, and his internal goal reflects his deeper need for meaning and connection.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to acquire a car. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, as he needs a car for his job as a getaway driver.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in this scene is high, with Baby facing danger from the gangbangers and the police. The tension and suspense are palpable, and the conflict drives the action and keeps the audience engaged.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Baby confronts a group of gangbangers and uses a gun to assert his authority. The audience doesn't know how the confrontation will unfold, adding to the tension and opposition.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in this scene are high, with Baby facing danger from both the gangbangers and the police. His actions and decisions have life-or-death consequences, adding to the intensity and suspense of the scene.

      Story Forward: 9

      This scene significantly moves the story forward, as Baby escapes from the police and continues his journey. The actions and decisions made in this scene have consequences that impact the overall plot.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the confrontation between Baby and the gangbangers will go. The use of a gun adds an element of unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact, with the audience feeling tension, suspense, and a sense of urgency. Baby's determination and resourcefulness may also evoke empathy and admiration.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in this scene is minimal but impactful. Baby's commands and the gangbangers' reactions effectively convey tension and conflict. The dialogue serves to move the scene forward and reveal important information.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a clear conflict and goal for the protagonist, creates tension through the use of a gun and the protagonist's determination, and incorporates music to enhance the atmosphere and captivate the audience.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The concise and direct dialogue, as well as the use of music, enhance the rhythm and pacing of the scene.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and progresses the narrative.


      Critique
      • The scene is a bit confusing and hard to follow. It's not clear what Baby is trying to do or why he is doing it. He is called to a florist's but responds to a song playing from a car.
      • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. The characters don't sound like real people.
      • The scene doesn't have a clear purpose or goal. It's just a series of events that happen without any real resolution.
      • The scene is too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary details.
      Suggestions
      • Start the scene with a clear goal for Baby. What is he trying to achieve? This will help to drive the scene forward and make it more focused.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Listen to dialogue in movies or TV shows, and use contractions and slang appropriately.
      • Add a clear resolution to the scene. What happens at the end of the scene? Does Baby achieve his goal? How does he feel about the outcome?
      • Cut out any unnecessary details. This will help to make the scene more concise and engaging.



      Scene 38 -  Baby's Escape and Car Chase
      93 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS - NIGHT 93

      Baby drives through the eerily dead business sector.




      -C
      94 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3 - NIGHT 94

      Baby parking the Mustang in his usual spot. The parking lot is
      mostly empty. Save a couple of cars.
      att
      ‘Know How’ scores Baby’s swagger to the elevator. He has shades
      on, ears in and he’s ready for whatever is next -
      nL
      95 INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - NIGHT 95

      The warehouse door is open. Baby walks in. He sees-

      DOC IS DEAD. Shirt soaked in blood. Lying in an ignominious,
      ungraceful heap on the floor.
      li


      Baby stops the music and stares. We hear the hum of his
      nk



      tinnitus. He also sees the chalkboard. It has been wiped blank.


      96 INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR - NIGHT 96
      Fra




      Baby descends in the elevator. He is slumped against the side.
      His body language meek. He is all alone. But not for long-


      97 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P3 - NIGHT 97

      PING. Outside the elevator, between him and his car are -

      THREE FARMERS?

      No longer ghosts. Suddenly very alive. Baby cannot process that
      these men are far from dead. Is he dreaming?
      107.


      They are bruised, tired and phenomenally pissed. The thick
      necked gorilla that is Armie walks toward Baby.

      ARMIE
      Hey little pig!

      BABY
      Are you ghosts?

      ARMIE
      It’s called Kevlar. Look it up.




      AA
      Armie faces Baby, breathing very hard right in his face.

      ARMIE (CONT’D)
      What you listening to?




      -C
      BABY
      Nothing.

      Armie slaps Baby very hard in the ear. Knocking one earbud out.

      ARMIE
      att
      Good. Because I want you to listen
      very carefully to me -

      Baby can now hear something faintly in the background. A
      nL
      fairground organ. Is he dreaming?

      ARMIE (CONT’D)
      Where are your friends?

      Baby is slightly distracted by the faint fairground ambience in
      li


      the background. He knows this song.
      nk



      BABY
      They are not my friends. But two are
      dead. The other. I don’t know.
      Fra




      ARMIE
      Well you better rack your brains,
      before we stomp on them.

      Baby hears a chugging electric guitar. He knows this song. So do
      we. It’s ‘Brighton Rock’ by Queen and it’s playing right now.

      BABY
      I didn’t shoot at you.

      ARMIE
      You stood by while the blood of our
      colleagues was spilt. That’s red ink
      for you my friend.
      108.


      Baby glances to the side. There’s a Dodge Charger nearby. Engine
      running. Stereo on. Playing ‘Brighton Rock’.

      BABY
      I didn’t want them to get hurt.

      ARMIE
      This is falling on deaf ears. Just
      tell us where your colleague is.

      BABY
      I think that’s him. Right there.




      AA
      Baby points to the Charger. Armie and the Butchers turn. We see -

      Buddy. In the Charger. Turning ‘Brighton Rock’ way up.




      -C
      And on a drum fill, he hits the gas. HARD.

      Charges the Farmers. Listening to Queen.

      They reach for their weapons, get off some shots before -
      att
      CRUNCH. Buddy mows down two of the three Farmers.

      KILLS THEM DEAD. For real this time. Baby and Armie are left
      standing and shocked.
      nL

      Armie pops off a couple of shots at Buddy as he slams the
      Charger in reverse and speeds backwards to line up with Armie,
      Baby and the elevator. He looks insane at the wheel.

      Armie grabs Baby and points his gun at the kid’s head.
      li


      BABY (CONT’D)
      nk



      He wants me dead too.

      Armie believes him. FUCK.
      Fra




      Buddy punches the gas and tears toward Baby and Armie.

      Guitars descend into a bridge. Buddy ploughs into the wall. Baby
      makes it into the freight elevator. Armie doesn’t.

      He is pinned between Charger and wall. Baby cowers in the
      elevator behind and looks over the throbbing hood to see Buddy
      at the wheel. Grooving to Queen like a crazy man,

      As snare drums accelerate into a second verse. Baby pulls out
      his gun. Buddy slams into reverse again.

      Baby fires at Buddy as he screams backwards. He hits the
      windshield a couple of times, but then -
      109.


      Baby’s out. And Buddy is back in drive. Charging at Baby. As
      harmonized guitars wail, Buddy bears down on Baby.

      But instead of retreating further back, he runs out of the
      elevator and TOWARDS the Charger -

      FREDDIE MERCURY
      It would be of no small avail to talk
      of magic in the air.

      Just as Buddy is about to CRASH INTO BABY and the wall behind,
      the kid RUNS AND JUMPS ON TO THE HOOD OF THE CAR.




      AA
      That’s some Jackie Chan shit right there.

      Buddy CRUNCHES into the wall as Baby slips over the roof and
      nimbly sprints in the other direction to his car.




      -C
      Buddy can’t believe it. He reverses out as Baby makes it back
      to his Mustang, jumping back in.

      Buddy spins around. His car is now pretty gnarled up.
      att
      He looks to see Baby back in his Mustang. Back at the wheel.
      Back in the driver’s seat. But -

      Baby needs something important first. As he guns his engine, he
      nL
      grabs the CD of Queen’s ‘Sheer Heart Attack’. It is still
      wrapped in plastic. He tries to tear it open with his teeth.

      Buddy senses a pause and floors his fucked up Charger to ram
      the Mustang in time with the driving Queen chords.
      li


      Baby is still trying to unwrap the damn CD with his teeth. He
      guns the engine and slams into reverse. Hits the gas.
      nk



      Buddy chases the reversing Baby across the parking lot. Baby
      still unwrapping with one free hand, the other on the wheel.
      Fra




      Baby gets the cellophane off. But there’s still the annoying
      plastic label sealing the case. Behind Baby -

      A concrete pillar looms FAST in the back up camera. Baby snakes
      the Mustang, missing the pillar.

      On a huge G chord. Buddy hits the pillar. BOOM.

      As Brian May flourishes, Baby spins the car 180 fast. He also
      has the first plastic label off. He faces Buddy again.

      Buddy slams back out from the pillar. Swerves to charge.
      110.


      Baby starting picking off the other label and reverses again,
      driving one handed to a crazy guitar solo. He snakes it once
      more, leading Buddy directly into the Farmer’s SUV.

      SLAM. As Buddy smashes into the SUV, Baby pulls another 180 on
      the concrete, burning as Brian May melts his fretboard.

      Baby now has the CD out and pops it into the player.

      As Buddy unwraps his Charger from the SUV, Baby fast forwards
      his copy of ‘Brighton Rock’ so it is in sync with Buddy.




      AA
      Buddy can see and hear Baby doing this and cannot believe it.
      He’s trying to get his killer track playing at the same time.
      Two hard bitten criminals with duelling cars and stereos.

      Buddy pops backwards fast, but Baby, with one hand on his




      -C
      stereo, slams into drive, gunning hard as guitars wail.

      BOOM. Baby clips the Charger on the nose. Buddy is spun like a
      bumper car. He comes to a stop. Strains to see Baby behind.

      He pulls back to find Baby circling around him like a shark. As
      att
      Queen play elaborate drum fills, Buddy’s Charger dances with
      the Mustang to get distance. The kid’s showing off.

      Baby still fast forwards through ‘Brighton Rock’ on his stereo
      nL
      as he pulls out of the circle and charges forward.

      A whammy bar holds a growling low note. Baby pulling another
      bootleggers turn so that he faces Buddy again. He’s now in sync
      with his stereo and he has the hint of a cocky smile.
      li


      Two cars, two stereos, one track. The tempo shoots up. Buddy
      floors it. Charges Baby. Baby doesn’t move at first but -
      nk



      As hi hats kick up the pace, he suddenly reverses, screaming
      out of P3 and up the winding slope of the access ramp.
      Fra




      Over pounding guitars, Baby reverses faster than you would
      drive forwards. He doesn’t look up, uses only the back up
      camera. Glances to see Buddy furiously trying to keep pace.

      They circle around the winding ramp, screeching tires echo in
      the structure and mix in with the ferocious guitars.

      Past P2, Baby keeps ascending in reverse at crazy speeds.

      Buddy struggles to keep up. Gunning his fucked up Charger.

      Baby gets ahead of the curve, Buddy can no longer see him until
      he explodes into P1. There are more cars on this level.
      Abandoned overnight.
      111.


      Down the aisle, Baby’s Mustang executes another amazing
      Rockford turn, spinning a tight 180 and facing forward.

      Buddy guns it and chases, when on another whammy bar note -

      WHAM! Baby’s Mustang goes right into the wall. Partially
      smashes the barrier that separates from a steep drop to P2.

      Buddy slows. WHAT THE FUCK? He pulls up to the crashed Mustang -

      But Baby is not inside. The song is still playing. Then -




      AA
      As chugging guitars return, we see a figure run past in the
      background. Buddy catches it too. That. Fucking. Kid.

      As the solo guitar chugs low and lower, Buddy reverses up,
      looking between the parked cars to see if he can see Baby.




      -C
      Shadows, glimpses. Amongst the playground of these abandoned
      cars, Baby leads Buddy in a merry dance.

      Buddy pulls out his gun. Looks around the moving shadows in the
      parking lot, aims to see if Baby is hiding out -
      att
      On a wailing guitar, he swings his gun at -

      A CHUBBY SECURITY GUARD, who is right in the line of fire,
      nL
      drops his coffee and runs right back out of the parking lot.

      Frustrated, Buddy swerves to the second aisle of cars,
      determined to smoke out Baby. Looks low on the ground when -

      HEADLIGHTS SWITCH ON. A dormant town car ROARS into life and
      li


      rams the Charger. BOOM. Buddy is slammed into a parked car.
      nk



      The town car winds back. SLAMS again. Baby is at the wheel.

      Buddy takes the second hit, but when he points his gun at the
      town car, it is already reversing up and just crashes into the
      Fra




      wall. Baby is no longer at the wheel. Again, what the -

      Is Buddy going mad? Or is Baby magic? Here and then gone.

      As the guitars build up again, Buddy turns back into the
      original aisle, the crashed Mustang now behind him. He looks to
      one side, then the other but not -

      AHEAD. Drums fill. Bass ramps up. HEADLIGHTS FLICK ON.

      A third car, a big red angry Yukon, faces him and screams
      forward. Buddy has nowhere to go and no run up. He’s trapped.
      112.


      Baby is at the wheel, gunning the Yukon, flooring it. As the
      song rushes to a climax -

      BOOM. Baby smashes into the Charger. BOOM. The Charger slams
      back into the Mustang, which breaks through the barrier and
      smashes down to P2.

      Buddy stomps the gas. His tires screaming. But the Yukon is
      winning the game of shove; Baby pushing Buddy to the edge.

      Buddy raises his gun, fires. Baby ducks. A clean bullet hole
      where his head once was. Both tires SCREAM.




      AA
      Buddy raise to fire again. Click. He’s out. Game over.

      The Charger tumbles over the broken barrier, landing upside
      down on top of the fallen Mustang. The echo of carnage rings




      -C
      out with the final chord of the song. ‘Brighton Rock’ ends.

      Baby reverses quickly to the exit. Then stalls. Sirens can be
      heard distantly. But Baby thinks. Turns. Back down to P2.
      att
      Genres: ["Action","Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Baby, the protagonist, discovers his partner Doc dead and is confronted by three armed farmers in their hideout. After a brief conversation, a fight ensues resulting in the death of two farmers. The remaining farmer, Buddy, takes Armie hostage and charges at Baby in a Dodge Charger. Baby outsmarts Buddy, causing him to crash and get pinned between the car and a wall. The scene ends with Baby starting a car chase set to Queen’s ‘Sheer Heart Attack’.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Synchronized music
      • High-stakes chase
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development within the scene
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The use of music and the fast-paced action contribute to the high rating.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a car chase with synchronized music is innovative and engaging. It adds a unique element to the scene and enhances the overall experience.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby trying to escape from Buddy after a series of intense events. While the plot is straightforward, the execution and the use of music elevate it.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the overall situation of a protagonist being chased is familiar, the specific actions and choices made by the protagonist, such as using music to his advantage and outsmarting his pursuers, add a fresh and unique twist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 7

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby and Buddy, are well-developed and their actions and motivations are clear. However, there is limited character development within this specific scene.

      Character Changes: 6

      While there is limited character development within this specific scene, Baby's actions and choices throughout the chase demonstrate his growth and determination.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and escape the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and his fear of being caught or harmed.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade and outsmart his pursuers. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, which include being chased by armed individuals.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is high, with Baby trying to escape from Buddy who is determined to capture or kill him. The tension and danger are palpable throughout the chase.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with armed pursuers who are determined to capture or harm him. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this opposition, adding to the tension and suspense.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with Baby's life on the line and the intense pursuit by Buddy. The audience is invested in the outcome and the danger feels real.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the escalating conflict between Baby and Buddy and the consequences of their actions. It sets up the climax of the film.

      Unpredictability: 9

      This scene is unpredictable because it constantly presents new obstacles and challenges for the protagonist, keeping the audience guessing about what will happen next. The use of music and the protagonist's resourcefulness add to the unpredictability of the scene.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly due to the intense and chaotic nature of the chase. The audience feels the fear and adrenaline alongside the characters.

      Dialogue: 6

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It serves to convey the urgency and tension of the situation.

      Engagement: 10

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with high-stakes action, suspense, and unexpected twists. The fast-paced nature of the scene keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and invested in the protagonist's survival.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The fast-paced action and quick cuts between different locations keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is clear and easy to follow, with appropriate use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively builds tension and suspense through a series of escalating actions and obstacles.


      Critique
      • The dialogue is a bit clunky and unnatural. For example, the line "I think that's him. Right there." is very stilted and doesn't sound like something a real person would say.
      • The action is a bit too over-the-top and unrealistic. For example, it's hard to believe that Baby would be able to jump on the hood of Buddy's car and then run and jump on to the roof of his own car.
      • The scene is a bit too long and drawn out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary action and dialogue.
      Suggestions
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
      • Tone down the action to make it more realistic.
      • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary action and dialogue.



      Scene 39 -  Baby's Escape and Deafening Betrayal
      98 INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING P2 - MOMENTS LATER 98

      Baby pulls up to the wreckage of Buddy’s Charger. It rests on
      top of his crushed Mustang. The driver door of the trashed
      nL
      charger is obscured. We hear the engine hiss and die.

      Baby jumps out of his car and reaches into the Mustang. Pulls
      out the Queen and the Quincy Jones CD. Then hears -

      An open door chime.
      li


      Baby slowly gets up and peers around to the other side of the
      nk



      wrecked Charger. Blood splats on the concrete. The door open.

      Behind him, the SNAP of a new clip.
      Fra




      Baby turns to see Buddy, a hunched up, limping, bleeding mess.
      He is clearly dying. His head bleeding, his torso RED.

      Buddy approaches Baby, gun aloft. As the color drains from his
      face, there’s a hint of the Buddy from earlier. A smile.

      BUDDY
      What can I say Baby? You did great.
      You aced it.

      Baby, not sure where this is going, is fixed to the spot.

      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      But you took away something I loved-
      113.


      Buddy is at point blank range. Gun aimed at Baby’s head.

      BUDDY (CONT’D)
      So you know I’ve gotta do the same.

      BANG. Buddy open fires right in Baby’s ear.

      BANG. Buddy fires in the other ear.

      Buddy falls down DEAD. Baby falls down DEAF.

      HORRIFIC RINGING SOUND. Like the tinnitus amplified a million




      AA
      times into a intense, awful WHINE.

      Baby writhes on the floor. He rolls to see Buddy’s lifeless
      face. Reflected on his dead skin. Red and blue lights. He can’t
      hear the sirens, but knows the cops are coming.




      -C
      Baby tries to stand, but his balance is off. He tumbles, his
      hand going straight into broken glass. He screams, but we
      cannot hear it over the WHINE. Neither can he.

      Baby struggles to get to his car. His equilibrium all off. All
      att
      the while the red and blues are getting closer

      Baby falls into his car. Fumbles to start it. The car feels
      alien. Like he cannot operate without sound.
      nL

      Baby struggles for the stereo, takes the Queen CD out and puts
      it into the CD player. Then turns the volume up, up, up -

      The music starts. It’s so loud, it makes the rear view mirror
      shake violently. In it we see, POLICE CARS turn the corner.
      li


      Baby puts one bloody hand on the wheel, one on the speaker in
      nk



      his driver door. Feels the vibrations of the music and then -

      HITS THE GAS. Screaming out of P2 and roaring up the ramp. The
      Black & Whites right behind him.
      Fra




      We hear NOTHING of the cars. Only the whine in Baby’s ears. We
      see the rear view and wing mirror pulse with the music. The
      tempo pulses through Baby’s hand on the speaker.

      Baby makes it back to P1, but a cruiser BLOCKS the exit. The
      top level is FULL OF COPS. The only way out? The way in.

      Baby swerves towards the ‘SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE’ sign. His tires
      blow out, but he accelerates into the night, wheels on fire.

      The cops are too slow to catch him. They struggle to maneuver,
      as the Pacific Ghost disappears up the street.
      114.


      The WHINE lingers on as a COP CAR pulls back out onto the
      downtown streets and we see what he sees -

      An empty street. An empty car. An open door. And no Baby.
      Genres: ["Action","Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary In the underground parking P2, Baby returns to find the wreckage of Buddy's Charger on his crushed Mustang. As Buddy, dying, appears and shoots Baby in the ears, Baby manages to start his car and drive off amidst police cars chase. Despite his deafness and injuries, Baby disappears into the night with blown-out tires and intense whine in his ears.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Dramatic tension
      • Effective use of music and sound
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and action-packed, with a dramatic climax and emotional impact. The use of music and sound adds to the tension and enhances the overall experience.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a final showdown between Baby and Buddy, set against a backdrop of a car chase and intense action, is engaging and well-executed.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is well-developed, with a clear objective for Baby to escape from Buddy and the police. The car chase and confrontation provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist trying to escape from the police is a familiar one, the specific details and actions taken by the characters add a fresh and unique perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters of Baby and Buddy are well-defined and their motivations and actions drive the scene. Their dynamic and the tension between them add depth to the scene.

      Character Changes: 8

      Baby undergoes a significant change in this scene, as he is forced to confront and fight against Buddy. His actions and determination show his growth and transformation throughout the story.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and escape from the antagonist, Buddy, and the police. This reflects Baby's deeper need for freedom, safety, and a chance at a new life.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the police and avoid getting caught. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges Baby is facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with Baby fighting for his life and freedom against Buddy and the police. The car chase and shootout add to the level of conflict.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces both the antagonist, Buddy, and the police. The audience is unsure of how Baby will overcome these obstacles and escape.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with Baby's life and freedom on the line. The intense action and danger create a sense of urgency and tension.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Baby and Buddy and setting up the final resolution. It propels the narrative towards its climax.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as Buddy shooting Baby in the ears and Baby's desperate escape through the parking lot.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene has a high emotional impact, with Baby being deafened by Buddy's gunshots and the intense struggle for survival. The audience is invested in Baby's journey and the outcome of the confrontation.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, with Buddy's final words adding a chilling effect. The use of silence and sound amplifies the tension.

      Engagement: 10

      This scene is engaging because it is filled with action, suspense, and high stakes. The reader or viewer is drawn into the intense situation and is invested in the protagonist's escape.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of events and the use of short, impactful sentences create a sense of urgency and keep the reader or viewer engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear setting and action, builds tension through escalating events, and ends with a cliffhanger moment.


      Critique
      • The scene is very well-written and engaging, but it could be improved by adding more details to the setting and the characters' actions.
      • The dialogue is natural and believable, but it could be more concise in some places.
      • The pacing of the scene is good, but it could be tightened up a bit by cutting out some of the unnecessary details.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, and it would be more satisfying if it were given more closure.
      • The use of sound is very effective in creating a sense of tension and suspense, but it could be used more sparingly to avoid overwhelming the reader.
      Suggestions
      • Add more details to the setting, such as the time of day, the weather, and the surrounding environment.
      • Add more details to the characters' actions, such as their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.
      • Concise the dialogue by removing any unnecessary words or phrases.
      • Tighten up the pacing of the scene by cutting out any unnecessary details.
      • Give the ending of the scene more closure by adding a few more lines of dialogue or action.
      • Use sound more sparingly to avoid overwhelming the reader.



      Scene 40 -  Baby's Shocking Appearance at Debora's Diner
      99 INT. CAR - DAY 99

      Sunlight. Baby is out cold. He looks bad. Cut, bruised. His
      damaged hand is bandaged with whatever rag was in the car.

      He wakes and sits up. He still cannot hear. But he can see.




      AA
      The diner. He is parked right outside.

      What was a friendly place before, now feels off. He cannot hear
      a thing. Feel a thing. Barry White can’t help him now.




      -C
      He sees DEBORA. Strolling into the diner. A pretty girl walking
      to work, just like the first time he saw her.

      She’s singing along with her iPod again. But Baby cannot hear
      what she is singing.
      att
      Baby looks to the cracked Quincy Jones CD, cues up a track. He
      tries to make himself look respectable in the rear view.
      nL

      100 INT. HALF EMPTY DINER - MOMENTS LATER 100

      Debora is behind her counter, about to start her day. The TV
      still has non-stop news coverage of the events of the last 24
      hours, but again the sound is down.
      li


      The news reports show an artist impression of Baby. But no
      nk



      name. He is a mystery man.

      Debora picks up an LA Times also with the sketch of Baby on the
      cover and shakes her head. She can’t believe it. Then -
      Fra




      BABY walks in. Limping. Cut. Bruised. He seems different.

      Debora freezes. Her fellow staff don’t see Baby yet and don’t
      connect the man from the TV or paper to the one who just calmly
      walked up to the counter. Baby tells Debora quietly but firmly.

      BABY
      Let’s go.

      Debora breathes fast. Something in the tone of Baby’s voice has
      changed. She doesn’t have time to think why.
      115.


      DEBORA
      Go?

      BABY
      I want you to come with me. Right now.

      Debora, as ever, cannot read Baby’s face. She glances to see
      that one hand is firmly in his jacket pocket. Is he armed?

      DEBORA
      Okay. Gimme a second.




      AA
      Debora turns away and taking a pen out of her hair, quickly
      scribbles something on her order pad. She leaves it on the
      counter as she walks out of the diner.

      It reads - ‘Help?’




      -C
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary Baby, a deaf man with a cut and bruised face and a bandaged hand, limps into a diner where Debora works. Debora is shocked by his appearance and writes 'Help?' on her order pad before deciding to leave with him, despite her concerns about his criminal activities.
      Strengths
      • Intense action sequences
      • Compelling character development
      • Emotional depth
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and filled with tension, as Baby's physical and emotional state is at its lowest point. The stakes are high, and the audience is invested in Baby's survival and his relationship with Debora.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a getaway driver with a hearing impairment adds a unique twist to the action genre. The scene effectively explores the consequences of Baby's choices and the lengths he is willing to go to protect Debora.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense. Baby's attempt to escape from the police and protect Debora drives the action forward and keeps the audience engaged.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the urban setting and the protagonist's desire for freedom and connection are familiar elements, the specific circumstances and challenges he faces, such as being unable to hear and needing to protect Debora, add a fresh and unique twist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Baby's transformation from a reluctant criminal to a determined protector is compelling, and Debora's trust in him adds emotional depth to the scene.

      Character Changes: 9

      Baby undergoes a significant character change in the scene as he goes from being a passive participant in the criminal activities to taking control of his own destiny and fighting for what he believes in.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Debora to come with him. This reflects his deeper need for companionship and connection, as well as his fear of being alone and his desire to protect Debora from the danger he is facing.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from his current situation and take Debora with him. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as being a wanted man and needing to protect himself and Debora.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. Baby is facing physical danger from the police and emotional turmoil as he tries to protect Debora. The presence of Buddy adds an additional layer of conflict.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of convincing Debora to come with him and the potential danger of being recognized and caught. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold and what obstacles the characters will encounter.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are incredibly high in the scene as Baby's life and the life of the woman he loves are in immediate danger. The audience is on the edge of their seats, unsure of how Baby will escape the situation.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict and setting up the final confrontation between Baby and Buddy. It also deepens the relationship between Baby and Debora.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new dynamic between the protagonist and Debora, as well as a potential shift in the protagonist's motivations and actions. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold and what choices the characters will make.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Baby's desire for freedom and connection, and the potential consequences and dangers of his actions. This challenges his beliefs and values, as he must weigh the risks and potential harm to himself and Debora against his desire for a different life.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to hope and love. The audience is emotionally invested in Baby's journey and the outcome of his relationship with Debora.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is concise and impactful, conveying the urgency and desperation of the situation. The lack of communication due to Baby's hearing impairment adds tension to the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and suspense, as well as a potential romance between the protagonist and Debora. The reader is invested in finding out what will happen next and how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and suspense. The concise and focused writing style, as well as the use of minimal dialogue, keeps the scene moving at a fast pace and maintains the reader's engagement.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The scene is well-paced and easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting and the protagonist's physical condition, followed by the introduction of Debora and the protagonist's interaction with her. The scene ends with a cliffhanger, as Debora agrees to go with the protagonist.


      Critique
      • The dialogue in this scene is very sparse and doesn't do much to advance the plot or develop the characters.
      • The action in this scene is also very limited and consists mostly of Baby waking up, getting out of his car, and walking into the diner.
      • The scene doesn't really have a clear purpose or direction and it's not clear what the writer is trying to achieve with it.
      • Debora's reaction to seeing Baby is very subdued and it's not clear why she would be so willing to leave with him, especially given the events of the previous scene.
      Suggestions
      • Add more dialogue to the scene to help develop the characters and advance the plot.
      • Add more action to the scene to make it more exciting and engaging.
      • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction so that the reader knows what the writer is trying to achieve with it.
      • Revise Debora's reaction to seeing Baby to make it more believable and consistent with her character.



      Scene 41 -  Baby's Surrender Leads to Arrest and Debora's Fear
      101 INT./EXT. CAR/DINER - CONTINUOUS 101

      Baby takes Debora to his car. A battered white ‘95 Cadillac
      Eldorado convertible. Opens the door for her like a gentleman.
      att
      What’s more, he opens with his bad hand, no longer in his
      jacket. She notices he isn’t armed, but still gets in.
      nL
      Baby sits in the driver’s seat. Looks at Debora. She looks at
      him expectantly. He looks at her, goofily happy.

      She looks back into the diner. Colleagues have noticed she’s
      gone. And left with him. And still Baby smiles back at her.
      li


      DEBORA
      Are we not in a rush?
      nk



      Baby cocks his head, like he doesn’t hear. She repeats.

      DEBORA (CONT’D)
      Fra




      Are we in a rush?

      BABY
      We got all the time in the world.

      Debora doesn’t know how to respond to this. Half laughs.

      BABY (CONT’D)
      I have this song I wanna play you.

      Baby presses play. Huge rising horns. Baby reverses out.
      116.


      102 INT./EXT. BABY’S CAR/LA STREETS 102

      ‘Lalo Bossa Nova’ by Quincy Jones.

      A skipping Latin bossa nova beat. Cowbell. Shakers. Tambos. The
      sun is out. Sky is blue. Some clouds ahead.

      Baby plays Quincy Jones at FULL VOLUME. He can’t hear it, but
      Debora can. It’s brassy, loud, defiantly upbeat.

      She looks at Baby’s face. He observes the white lines
      stretching ahead and looks calm, happy. He turns to her, asks




      AA
      expectantly.

      BABY
      Do you like it?




      -C
      Debora almost smiles, catches herself. What is she doing, with
      the strange kid, who looks fucked up, driving off into the
      horizon? She is still in the waitress outfit. It’s crazy.

      DEBORA
      Yes. Yes I do.
      att
      Baby doesn’t seem to think anything of it. In fact, we as an
      audience have never seen him happier. He’s beaming.
      nL
      Debora settles a little, she doesn’t know where they are going,
      but it isn’t fast. This is a Sunday afternoon drive, not a
      getaway. As the song settles into a slow soft toned guitar
      solo, she finds herself looking at the scenery.

      As horns return, she sees them first.
      li


      BLACK & WHITES. In her wing mirror. The glass reverberates with
      nk



      the bass of the loud music, distorting their image.

      Baby sees them too. In the rear view. He simply sighs as they
      begin to crest over on a hill. And then on a mellow sax -
      Fra




      ROAD BLOCK dead ahead. Police as far as the eye can see. Debora
      gasps. It’s a surprise party. But not a fun one.

      Baby slows. Behind, the police cars block off the street. All
      pedestrians and other cars have magically vanished.

      It’s just Baby, Debora and the cops.

      Baby stops. As he puts the stick into reverse, he looks to
      Debora. She has her eyes tightly closed. Her fingers clutch the
      ‘oh shit’ handle. When she opens her eyes again, they are wet
      with moisture. She’s scared.
      117.


      He doesn’t want her to be scared. He turns the engine off. But,
      magically, the music continues for our benefit.

      To Debora’s amazement, Baby gets out of the car and walks
      toward the cops, hands on his head.

      Quincy Jones has completely taken over and we cannot hear the
      harsh shouting of the police as they approach Baby from all
      sides, guns trained, barking instruction.

      On Debora, she’s relieved, confused and... conflicted?




      AA
      To us the image of the cops approaching feels very surreal as,
      unlike the opening credits, the police are the only ones in
      time with the music, approaching Baby in step with Quincy.

      Baby takes off his jacket to show he is unarmed. With just a T-




      -C
      shirt and jeans on, he looks like what he is, a kid.

      He turns back to her and mouths -

      BABY
      Sorry.
      att
      The police grab him, throw him violently to the ground and
      swarm around him. Debora can see they are beyond angry.
      nL
      As Baby hits the deck, all the instruments drop out and on a
      four bar drum solo, the cops proceed to kick and punch him.

      Debora jumps out the passenger door and SCREAMS -

      DEBORA
      li


      No!
      nk



      MONTAGE: The following is set to the supremely upbeat ‘Lalo
      Bossa Nova’. In this sequence, everyone is in time with the
      beat, except a beaten, bruised and defeated Baby.
      Fra




      - We see Baby’s mug-shot taken.

      - Baby in court being sentenced.

      - We see Debora on the witness stand. Swearing an oath.

      - Baby in shackles, walking with other prisoners.

      - Baby on a prison bus driving north.

      - Baby arriving at the big house.

      - Baby being given his new clothes.
      118.


      - Baby walking with a guard down a concrete corridor.

      - Baby being shown to his 9’ by 5’ prison cell. He takes in his
      living quarters. His ELDERLY CELLMATE is roughly the age of
      Joseph. His new one room apartment.

      The song fades out. As he sits alone with his thoughts, we are
      left with Baby’s buzz of deafness.

      - Time passes. Baby navigates prison life.

      - Through the buzz, we see Baby focus on anything that has




      AA
      visual rhythm. People doing jumping jacks in the yard. A warden
      shutting cell doors at night. People sparring in the gym.
      Someone mopping the floor.

      - We see him in the machine shop, hypnotized by a metal




      -C
      stamping contraption. Other inmates working here wear eye and
      ear protection. Baby only has the protective visor on.

      He stares at the machine, nodding as if listening to dance
      music. Tries to get lost in the rhythm of the machine.
      att
      Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

      Summary Baby takes Debora for a peaceful drive in his car, playing her a song and enjoying the moment. However, their peaceful drive is disrupted when they see police cars in their rearview mirror and a roadblock ahead. Baby willingly surrenders to the police, and Debora is scared and conflicted about the situation. She jumps out of the car and screams as the cops proceed to beat and arrest Baby, leaving the scene with Baby in prison.
      Strengths
      • Contrast between upbeat music and violent arrest
      • Emotional impact
      • Character development
      Weaknesses
      • Minimal dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively creates a contrast between the upbeat music and the violent arrest, creating a memorable and impactful moment. The surrender of the main character adds depth to his character arc and raises the stakes for the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of surrendering to the police is not unique, but the way it is executed in this scene, with the juxtaposition of the upbeat music and the violent arrest, adds a fresh and unexpected twist.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby surrendering to the police, which is a significant turning point in the story. It raises the stakes and sets up the conflict for the rest of the film.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist trying to navigate a roadblock and escape from the police is familiar, the specific details and character interactions add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene, particularly Baby and Debora, show depth and complexity. Baby's surrender demonstrates his growth and willingness to face the consequences of his actions.

      Character Changes: 8

      The surrender of Baby represents a significant change in his character. He goes from being a skilled and confident driver to willingly surrendering to the police, showing growth and maturity.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make Debora feel safe and happy. This reflects his deeper need for connection and his desire to protect those he cares about.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the roadblock and escape from the police. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to avoid getting caught.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Baby must confront the consequences of his actions and make a difficult decision to surrender. The presence of the police adds external conflict.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces a roadblock and is eventually arrested by the police. The audience doesn't know how he will overcome this obstacle.

      High Stakes: 9

      The surrender of Baby to the police raises the stakes for the rest of the film. It puts him in a vulnerable position and sets up the conflict with the police.

      Story Forward: 9

      The surrender of Baby moves the story forward by raising the stakes and setting up the conflict for the rest of the film. It also adds depth to Baby's character arc.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it initially presents a happy and lighthearted moment between the protagonist and Debora, but then introduces the unexpected roadblock and the protagonist's arrest. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from confusion to relief to fear. The contrast between the upbeat music and the violent arrest creates a surreal and emotionally impactful moment.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene is minimal, but effective. Baby's apology to Debora adds emotional depth to the moment.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a conflict and creates a sense of anticipation through the protagonist's actions and the presence of the roadblock. The dialogue and character interactions also contribute to the engagement.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the protagonist's actions and the presence of the roadblock. The rhythm of the scene aligns with the beat of the music, adding to the overall impact.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters' goals, and builds tension through the roadblock and the protagonist's actions.


      Critique
      • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
      • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural.
      • The characters are not very well-developed and the reader doesn't feel much connection to them.
      • The plot is a bit too predictable and the reader can guess what's going to happen next.
      • The ending is a bit too neat and tidy and the reader doesn't feel like there's any real resolution to the conflict.
      Suggestions
      • Consider cutting down the scene by about a third.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
      • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
      • Make the plot less predictable by adding some unexpected twists and turns.
      • Give the ending a more open-ended feel by leaving some of the conflicts unresolved.



      Scene 42 -  Baby's Prison Release and Reunion with Debora
      103 INT. BABY’S CELL - DAY 103

      On Baby, sitting alone in his cell, staring out to nothing. A
      nL
      guard comes past and hands him an envelope.

      Inside is a postcard with a 50s style illustration of a young
      couple in a classic convertible, just like the artwork in the
      diner. Also inside, a beautiful, neatly handwritten letter.
      li


      But first Baby notices: The scent.
      nk



      He sniffs, inhales the perfume on the letter. When he stops, he
      cocks an ear at the faint sound of burning rubber.
      Fra




      104 INT. PRISON UNIT - DAY 104

      Baby wanders out of his cell, letter still in hand.

      The noises of roaring engines and screeching tires reverberate
      around the prison halls. It emanates from the TV room.

      Baby enters this communal room, where inmates gather around a
      35 inch TV set showing the noisy Sunday NASCAR races.

      Baby sees his ELDERLY CELLMATE sitting at the back of the room.
      He sits down by him. Shows him the letter.
      119.


      BABY
      What’s this say?

      The Elderly Cellmate peers through thick glasses at the fancy
      handwriting on the letter and blankly intones.

      ELDERLY CELLMATE
      “Hey Baby. I’m sorry too. I know from
      court your real name is Miles, but I
      don’t know too many Miles songs so we
      can stick with Baby. Deal?




      AA
      Baby stares at the Elderly Cellmates lips and we magically hear
      Debora’s actual voice as he continues.

      DEBORA (V.O)
      I found another Debora song. It’s by




      -C
      Dave Edmunds. The lyrics say she’s a
      ‘heart breaking, love making
      connoisseur’ and frankly she sounds
      like a bad person, so I am discounting
      it. Hope this finds you okay. Maybe
      drive off another time? D.”
      att
      Baby closes his eyes. Hears the sweet music of automobiles.
      nL
      105 EXT. PRISON - DAY 105

      ‘Baby Driver’ by Simon & Garfunkel.

      Baby walks out of the prison gates into the sunshine. Waiting
      for him is a smiling DEBORA. Looking adorable but-
      li


      She is wearing 50s dress; bobby socks, pleated skirt, white
      nk



      blouse, cardigan over the shoulders, just like the young woman
      in the artwork from the postcard.

      She stands before a gleaming classic convertible, a white 1954
      Fra




      Cadillac Eldorado. She opens the passenger door for Baby.

      Baby walks over to the car. He is now also wearing 50s clothes,
      looking like the young man from the diner artwork.

      Baby jumps in. Debora pops it in drive. They kiss and then head
      out on the open road.

      CREDITS
      Genres: ["Action","Crime","Drama"]

      Summary Baby, an imprisoned character, receives a perfume-scented envelope containing a letter and a postcard from Debora. His elderly cellmate reads the letter aloud, mentioning a Dave Edmunds song about a woman named Debora. Filled with anticipation and excitement, Baby leaves the prison to meet Debora, who awaits him in a 1954 Cadillac Eldorado. They drive off together, marking the end of the scene and the beginning of their journey ahead.
      Strengths
      • Engaging action sequences
      • Effective use of music
      • Compelling character development
      • Emotional moments
      Weaknesses
      • Dialogue could be more impactful

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and combines elements of action, romance, and drama effectively. The use of music and the intense car chase sequences create a thrilling experience for the audience.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of using music as a central element in the story is innovative and adds a unique layer to the scene. The incorporation of classic cars and 50s aesthetics also adds to the overall concept.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around Baby's escape from prison and his reunion with Debora. It is fast-paced, filled with action, and keeps the audience engaged.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the prison setting and the theme of escape are familiar elements, the specific details and the use of sensory descriptions add freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the overall originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their actions and emotions drive the plot forward. Baby's transformation from a quiet and reserved driver to a determined and resourceful escapee is particularly compelling.

      Character Changes: 8

      Baby undergoes a significant character change throughout the scene. He starts as a quiet and reserved individual, but through his escape and reunion with Debora, he becomes more assertive and determined.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and escape from his current situation. He is seeking emotional connection and a sense of freedom. This reflects his deeper needs for love, companionship, and a life outside of the prison.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reunite with Debora and start a new life together. It reflects the immediate circumstances of his release from prison and the challenges he may face in adjusting to life outside.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. Baby faces the conflict of escaping from prison and evading the police, while also dealing with his emotions and the consequences of his actions.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in this scene is not particularly strong. The protagonist faces the challenge of adjusting to life outside of prison, but it is not a major obstacle that creates tension or uncertainty for the audience.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are high in the scene as Baby is trying to escape from prison and evade the police. His freedom and the safety of himself and Debora are at risk.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict of Baby's imprisonment and setting up a new chapter in his life with Debora. It also sets the stage for potential future conflicts and developments.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the element of the letter and the reunion with Debora, which were not foreshadowed earlier in the screenplay. The audience may not have expected these developments, adding a sense of surprise and intrigue.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and excitement during the car chases to sentimentality and romance in Baby and Debora's reunion. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters' journey.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene is concise and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing the characters' emotions. However, it could have been more impactful and memorable.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of anticipation and emotional connection with the protagonist. The use of sensory details and the focus on the protagonist's internal experience draw the audience in and make them invested in his journey.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of anticipation and emotional resonance. The slower moments, such as Baby sniffing the letter and closing his eyes, contrast with the faster-paced moments of the roaring engines and screeching tires. This creates a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, character names, dialogue, and transitions. The formatting is clear and easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the protagonist in his cell, followed by his interaction with the Elderly Cellmate and the revelation of the letter. The scene then transitions to the prison unit and the communal room where the protagonist shows the letter to the Elderly Cellmate. Finally, the scene concludes with the protagonist leaving the prison and reuniting with Debora.


      Critique
      • The scene is visually interesting, with the use of a postcard and a 50s style convertible. However, the dialogue is a bit bland and doesn't do much to advance the plot. Additionally, the scene doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the movie, which is set in a modern day setting.
      • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
      • The dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural. It doesn't feel like real people talking to each other.
      • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be more satisfying.
      Suggestions
      • Cut the scene down to just the essentials. Focus on the postcard and the convertible, and use them to create a sense of mystery and intrigue.
      • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Use contractions and slang, and avoid using too much exposition.
      • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Perhaps have Baby and Debora drive off into the sunset, or have them share a kiss.
      • Consider having Baby and Debora talk about their plans for the future. This would help to give the scene more of a purpose and would make it more relevant to the rest of the movie.