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Scene 1 -  Flight from Kuwait
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 1.


FADE IN:

ON a hand taking stacks of money from under a mattress.

SUPER: GULF WAR. AHMADI, KUWAIT. 1991.

1.1 INT. MO’S HOUSE - MO’S BEDROOM - KUWAIT - 1991 - DAY 1.1 *

Reveal YUSRA NAJJAR, early 40s, focused and resolute,
grabbing as many BUNDLES OF CASH as she can carry. We FOLLOW
her as she hurries into --

1.2 INT. MO’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - KUWAIT - 1991 - DAY 1.2 *

A room that has been turned upside down - there are piles of
clothes and half-packed suitcases all over. Yusra dumps the
cash onto the couch, adding it to an already sizable pile.
She goes back for more, passing -- *

YOUNG MO NAJJAR, seven, dribbling a soccer ball like a *
basketball as if he were driving into the paint. *

NOTE: All dialogue in the Kuwait/Iraq scenes are in Arabic.

YOUNG MO *
(like an announcer)
Olajuwon leaps for the rim --

He jumps up, pretending to slam dunk.

YOUNG MO (CONT’D) *
Yes! The crowd goes wild! AAAAAH!

Mo sees his older brother, YOUNG SAMEER NAJJAR, 11, *
obsessively pacing around the room in a zig-zag pattern, as
if one wrong step would bring disaster. Mo goes to pass him
the ball.

YOUNG MO (CONT’D) *
(like an announcer)
The Dream looks to Kenny Smith!
(off Sameer’s nonreaction)
Sameer! The Jet!

Sameer cannot be distracted from his pacing. Mo shrugs.

YOUNG MO (CONT’D) *
Tricked him! He keeps it and...

Mo THROWS the ball, hitting his sister, YOUNG NADIA NAJJAR, *
18, who’s folding and packing clothes. She turns, annoyed:
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 2.


YOUNG NADIA *
Mo! We’re all rushing and you’re
still playing stupid games!

YOUNG MO *
You’re stupid.

MUSTAFA (O.S.)
Hamoudi --

Mo’s FATHER, MUSTAFA NAJJAR, 50s, approaches from the dining
table where he’s set-up a workstation for his electronics.

MUSTAFA (CONT’D)
Habibi, your sister’s right. We
don’t have much time, you need to
focus.

YOUNG MO *
Baba, did you fix my Walkman yet?

MUSTAFA
(not now)
Go help your mother.

Mo runs off to Yusra as Mustafa resumes soldering some
Walkman components together.

A SERIES OF SHOTS:

MUSIC UP: “That’s Alright Mama” by Elvis Presley.

Yusra opens a PURSE, empties it onto the floor, and cuts the
lining with a razor. Mo hands her stacks as she begins
stashing cash into the makeshift compartment.

ON Yusra’s hands re-sewing the purse’s lining. She pulls the
last of the thread taut and Mo, scissors ready, cuts the
thread.

Yusra, at a sewing machine, finishes sewing a belt. She
secures it to Nadia’s waist and Mo fills it with money.

Mo finds a few STACKS of CASH in a box of Lion Bar chocolates *
and brings them to Yusra. Exhausted, she forces the forgotten *
stacks into a hidden lining of a suitcase. She doesn’t notice
as Mo grabs some nearby ACTION FIGURES and throws them in
with the clothes.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 3.

1.3 EXT. MO’S HOUSE - KUWAIT - 1991 - DAY 1.3

Mo, Yusra, Nadia, and Sameer stand outside with Mustafa and
their suitcases. Yusra’s wearing an oversized coat lined with
valuables; Mo in a too-small Pelé jersey.

An early 1980’s SCHOOL BUS approaches, stopping at their
house. The doors swing open and Yusra lifts her bags, guiding
Nadia and Sameer onto the bus.

But Mo hesitates... he can’t stop looking back at their home. *
Mustafa gently nudges him onward. Mo looks to his dad.

YOUNG MO *
Why can’t we go together?

MUSTAFA
The four of you will be together in
Houston, with Hakeem from the
basketball. I’ll be with you soon
inshallah.

Mustafa lovingly crouches down and caresses Mo’s face.

MUSTAFA (CONT’D) *
Habibi, Allah made you a strong and
clever boy. Now you must use those
gifts as a man. You are young, but
not a child anymore. The family
needs you. Can I depend on you?

ON Mo, his seven year old eyes absorbing the gravity of the
situation. He nods.

MUSTAFA (CONT’D)
Good. I thought so.

Mustafa smiles then hands Mo a now REPAIRED WALKMAN. Mo
smiles wide.

YOUNG MO *
Shokran, baba.

MUSTAFA
Yallah, habibi. Take care.

As Mo goes to board the bus, his smile disappears again as he *
can’t help but wonder if they’ll ever be together again.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 4.

1.4 INT. BUS - KUWAIT - 1991 1.4

Mo sits with his Mom, staring at the other FAMILIES piled in.
He’s got an empty bag of chips and a mound of orange peels on
his lap. He makes eye contact with a SAD YOUNG GIRL. He looks
away, then slips on his headphones and nuzzles into Yusra.

1.5 INT./EXT. BAGHDAD, IRAQ CHECKPOINT - 1991 - HOURS LATER 1.5 *

Mo’s woken up by a commotion outside the bus, now stopped. He
looks out the window --
Genres: ["Drama","Family","War"]

Summary In 1991 Kuwait City, the Najjar family hastily prepares to flee the Iraqi invasion. Amidst the chaos, they hide their valuables and board a school bus to Houston. Mo, the youngest son, is entrusted with protecting the family's hidden wealth.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slight predictability in character actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the family's imminent departure, establishes the characters' relationships and emotions, and creates a sense of urgency and tension. The use of dialogue and actions conveys the family dynamics and the weight of the situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family fleeing their home during wartime is compelling and relatable. The scene effectively introduces the main characters, their motivations, and the challenges they face.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the family's preparations to leave Kuwait and the emotional moment between the father and son. It sets up the conflict and stakes for the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the Gulf War by focusing on a family's struggle to escape and survive, highlighting the personal sacrifices and challenges faced by individuals in war-torn regions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed through their actions and dialogue. Each family member's personality and role within the family are established, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Mo undergoes a subtle change from a playful child to a more serious and responsible young boy as he accepts his role in the family's journey. The father's reassurance and trust in Mo mark a significant moment of growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Yusra's internal goal is to protect her family and ensure their safety during the war. This reflects her deep desire to keep her loved ones safe and together.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to escape Kuwait and reach safety in Houston. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of surviving the war and finding a new home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is internal, as the family grapples with leaving their home and uncertain future. The tension is palpable as they make difficult decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the family facing external challenges such as the war, the need to flee their home, and the uncertainty of their future. The audience is left unsure of how the family will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the family must leave their home in the midst of war, facing an uncertain future and separation. The emotional and physical risks add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by establishing the family's departure, the challenges they face, and the emotional stakes involved. It sets the stage for the unfolding events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected challenges and emotional moments, such as Mo's realization of his responsibilities and the family's uncertain future. The audience is kept on edge wondering how the family will navigate their circumstances.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is evident in Mustafa's conversation with Mo, where he emphasizes the importance of responsibility and maturity in difficult times. This challenges Mo's beliefs about his role in the family and his own capabilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and sadness to love and hope. The emotional depth of the characters and their situation resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue, mostly in Arabic, effectively conveys the family's emotions, relationships, and the urgency of the situation. The use of sports references adds a layer of authenticity and familiarity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the family's struggle and creates a sense of urgency and emotional connection. The dynamic between the characters and the high stakes of their situation keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, moving seamlessly between moments of action and reflection. The rhythm of the scene enhances the urgency of the family's situation and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between locations and actions. The use of music cues and visual descriptions enhances the atmosphere and pacing of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs, setting up the family's journey and the challenges they will face. The formatting is consistent with the genre and effectively conveys the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets the stage for the family's escape from Kuwait during the Gulf War, showcasing the urgency and tension of the situation.
  • The use of Arabic dialogue adds authenticity to the setting and characters, but make sure it is accurately translated for non-Arabic speaking readers.
  • The interactions between the family members, especially the dynamic between Mo and his siblings, add depth to their relationships and personalities.
  • The emotional moment between Mustafa and Mo, where Mustafa entrusts Mo with the responsibility of protecting the family, is a powerful and poignant moment.
  • The scene effectively conveys the sense of loss and uncertainty as the family is separated, with Mo's internal conflict about leaving his father behind being a strong emotional anchor.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the tension and urgency of the situation, such as showing more of the chaos outside the house or the fear in the characters' expressions.
  • Ensure that the Arabic dialogue is accurately translated for non-Arabic speaking readers to fully understand the interactions and emotions of the characters.
  • Explore deeper into Mo's internal conflict about leaving his father behind, perhaps through inner thoughts or flashbacks to strengthen the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Consider adding a bit more background information about the family's situation and their reasons for fleeing Kuwait to provide more context for the audience.
  • Continue to develop the relationships between the family members, especially Mo and his siblings, to create a more nuanced and engaging dynamic.



Scene 2 -  Checkpoint Confrontation
IRAQI SOLDIERS yell at people they’ve kicked off other
vehicles, breaking open their luggage and stealing valuables.
A BURLY SOLDIER enters the bus and makes an announcement:

BURLY SOLDIER
Everyone, take your bags and get
off of the bus.

Mo tries not to look scared. Sameer and Nadia are having less
success - Sameer moans nervously and Nadia trembles, her
fingers feeling the money hidden in her belt. Yusra grips
them, trying to calm them down.

YUSRA
(to Nadia)
Go before you blow our cover.
(to Mo)
Watch Sameer.

Yusra hands them their bags and ushers them off. We stay with
her as she kneels down, out of sight, listening to the CHAOS
outside.

She grabs her suitcase and makes a mess of it, undoing all
her work. She grabs another bag and does the same thing.
Finally, she scatters orange peels and empty wrappers on top.

ON Mo, outside, stealing glances at what Yusra’s doing. He
has enough sense to know not to stare. The passengers around
him watch helplessly as their possessions are ransacked and
valuables stolen. Yusra signals him with a go-ahead, and as
the other passengers get herded back onto the bus, the Najjar
children join them.

The burly soldier accompanies the last of the passengers back
onto the bus. As Mo, Sameer, and Nadia sit back down with
Yusra, the soldier’s eyes land on her:

BURLY SOLDIER
I never saw you get off the bus.
You playing me for a fool?
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 5.


Mo sees other passengers look on anxiously as Yusra clutches
Sameer, quietly starting to recite Quranic Surat Ya-seen.

BURLY SOLDIER (CONT’D)
What are you deaf, bitch? Think you
can hide from me?

ON Mo, seeing his family in need. Suddenly, he starts fake
CRYING.

YOUNG MO *
Please, sir! Don’t take my Ninja
Turtles! She didn’t know they were
there!

The soldier looks at him, confused. Mo sells it hard, his
tears becoming sobs. He seems genuinely terrified.

YOUNG MO (CONT’D) *
I just wanted to have my toys. It’s
not her fault. She didn’t know!

He holds a weathered TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES toy out to
the soldier.

YOUNG MO (CONT’D) *
Take Michelangelo, everyone knows
he’s the best! Please --

SUPERIOR OFFICER (O.S.)
What is this filth?

The SUPERIOR OFFICER steps on the bus, his uniform crisp and
covered with honors. He eyes the Burly Soldier.

SUPERIOR OFFICER (CONT’D)
You think you’re a big man? Making
women and children cry?

Mo stifles his cries as the Officer gives his subordinate a
hard stare. The Officer eyes Yusra’s luggage -- the wrappers,
the orange peels, and Mo’s Ninja Turtles peeking out. *

SUPERIOR OFFICER (CONT’D)
These bags have clearly been
searched. You want to take the
boy’s candy and toys too?

He signals to a couple of his other MEN and has the Soldier
removed from the bus. The Officer takes one of the figures
from Yusra’s suitcase and hands it to Mo, patting him on the
face. He looks over to Yusra:
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 6.


SUPERIOR OFFICER (CONT’D) *
God be with you all. *

Once in the clear, Yusra turns to Mo, proud and impressed.
You can hear the relief in their hushed voices:

YUSRA
When did you learn to turn on tears
like that?

YOUNG MO *
When you wouldn’t buy me a Walkman.

He holds up his Walkman, smiling. Yusra shakes her head,
amused. The bus begins to pull away and Mo puts on his
headphones. Hits play.

PRELAP: “25 Lighters on My Dresser” by Fat Pat --

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLE

1.6 INT./EXT. - MO’S CAR - HEADED TOWARD ALIEF - DAY 1.6

“25 Lighters” continues over a MONTAGE:

MO NAJJAR, now in his mid-30s, cruises in his beat up ‘70 *
FORD TURINO COUPE, old-school windows rolled down due to the *
broken AC, the MICHELANGELO TOY he had in Kuwait on the
dashboard.

We take in the sights of Houston -- e.g., the “Be Someone”
bridge over I-10; the Houston Graffiti Building; the “Twin
Syringes” building...

Mo rolls into Alief and lights up a joint as he passes the
water tower; Crump Stadium; Pencil Middle School...

He throws on a “Houston Mobile Spot” shirt as he turns onto
Bellaire Blvd with its Mexican meat markets, 99 cent stores,
Black women's hair product stores...

Finally, he pulls into a strip mall parking lot and kills the
engine, the MUSIC CUTS OFF.

Psst, psst -- Mo sprays himself with a can of air freshener.

1.7 INT. HOUSTON MOBILE SPOT - DAY 1.7

Mo moves back and forth between desks, multi-tasking as he
puts a new screen on a TEXAS WOMAN’S phone. *
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 7.


TEXAS WOMAN
How are you doing it so fast?

MO
These new LCD screens are easy,
just a couple of screws and an
attachment. Now if you brought me a
Nokia 1202, that’s a whole
different situation, can’t find
those parts.

One of Mo’s inept coworkers, JOSÉ, late 20s, shouts:

JOSÉ
Yo, Mo! I need those iPhone cases.
(in Spanish)
Aye, asshole -- this gringa been
waiting.

Mo doesn’t look up as he puts the finishing touches on the
woman’s phone. Shouting to José:
Genres: ["Drama","War","Thriller"]

Summary Amidst the chaos of an Iraqi checkpoint, soldiers plunder乘客物品并强行驱赶他们下车. Mo, Sameer, Nadia, 和 Yusra 努力保持镇静并隐藏贵重物品. Mo 假装哭泣以分散士兵注意力. 一位高级军官介入并帮助了这一家人.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates tension and emotional depth, engaging the audience with the family's plight and the high stakes involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of survival and escape in a war zone is well-executed, with the focus on clever strategies and the unexpected bravery of a child adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and well-paced, with the tension escalating as the family faces challenges and the unexpected intervention of a superior officer changes the course of events.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of survival in a dangerous environment, with unique character interactions and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and reactions to the situation, adding complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Mo's character shows growth and courage as he steps up to protect his family, showcasing a significant change in his behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and maintain their cover while facing the threat of the soldiers. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid detection by the soldiers and ensure the safety of his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of surviving in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and constant, with the family facing external threats and internal struggles, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the soldiers posing a significant threat to the protagonist and his family. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the family risks their lives to escape the war zone, facing danger and uncertainty at every turn.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the family's journey and the challenges they face, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Mo's fake crying to protect his family and the intervention of the superior officer.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the scene between the oppressive actions of the soldiers and the protagonist's values of protecting his family and standing up against injustice. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, ranging from fear and tension to relief and pride, creating a powerful connection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, enhancing the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, high stakes, and the audience's investment in the protagonist's struggle to protect his family.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the protagonist's actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively creates tension and showcases the danger faced by the Najjar family during the Iraqi invasion.
  • The use of Mo pretending to cry to distract the soldiers is a clever tactic, but the execution could be more nuanced.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters feel a bit forced and melodramatic at times, lacking subtlety in portraying the fear and desperation of the situation.
  • The interaction between Mo and the superior officer feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development to make it more impactful.
  • The transition to Mo in his mid-30s in Houston feels abrupt and disjointed from the previous scene, lacking a smooth connection.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining Mo's fake crying tactic to make it more believable and emotionally resonant.
  • Work on the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions in a subtler way.
  • Add more depth to the interaction between Mo and the superior officer to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Find a smoother transition between the Kuwait City setting and Mo's current life in Houston to maintain continuity and coherence in the narrative.



Scene 3 -  Mo Gets Fired
MO
Which iPhone cases? The SE, 11 Pro,
12 Pro Max, be specific, José!

JOSÉ
The iPhone 13s!

MO (IN SPANISH)
Relax, cabrón. They’re in the back
by the Selena Samsung cases -- rest
in peace.

JOSÉ (IN SPANISH)
Rest in peace.

José does the sign of the cross and walks off. Mo’s boss,
ABOOD RAHMAN, 50s, whistles, motioning for him. Mo hands the
phone back to his customer.

MO
José will ring you up.

Mo joins Abood in the back of the shop. *

MO (CONT’D)
What’s happening?

ABOOD RAHMAN (IN ARABIC) *
I have to talk to you...
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 8.


MO
Why are you speaking Arabic? It’s
never good when you speak Arabic in
front of the customers.

Abood hesitates. *

ABOOD RAHMAN (IN ARABIC) *
ICE raided our other location this
morning. We ate a big fine, one
more will shut us down. I have to
let you go.

MO
You’re firing me?

ABOOD RAHMAN *
What am I supposed to do? You don’t
have a work permit. I’m sorry.

MO
What about José? José can’t be
legal.

ABOOD RAHMAN *
No, José’s legal.

JOSÉ (O.S.)
I married in, bro!

ABOOD RAHMAN *
See?

JOSÉ (O.S.)
You should marry Maria, she’s fine
as hell! And she’s a mechanic too,
got those oily hands!

MO
Don’t talk about my girl’s hands!
(to Abood) *
How can you fire me over that guy?
God only knows what’s in his search
history.

ABOOD RAHMAN *
Mo, please --

MO
He’s from Matamoros! You know what
that translates to? Kill Muslims.
(MORE)
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 9.
MO (CONT’D)
(in Arabic)
Don’t do this. I know this store
better than anyone. Plus I’ll have
my asylum soon.

ABOOD RAHMAN
How soon?

MO
Soon. You know. Like, (trailer
voice) coming soon. That kinda
soon. I’m in the system, okay? I’m
not undocumented. My court date’s
coming up. Once they grant me
asylum, I’ll have a work permit.

ABOOD RAHMAN *
And if they don’t, they’ll deport
you. It’s not so simple. You’ve
been waiting, what, 20 years?

MO
Twenty-two.

ABOOD RAHMAN *
Twenty-two years of courts dates.
What makes you think this next one
will be different?

MO
I’m just playing the odds. How many
times can they push a hearing?

Abood remains unconvinced. *
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 10.


ABOOD RAHMAN *
Listen, inshallah it all works out
and I take you back. Until then...

He holds out an envelope.

ABOOD RAHMAN (IN ARABIC) (CONT’D)
I wish I could do more...

Mo takes it, counts the cash. Looks up, annoyed.

MO
This is the money you owe me. You
made it sound like you were giving
me a lil extra, which would be nice
considering how much I’ve done for
you. Good luck running this place
with (shouting) JOSE! But
whatever, man. It’s not the first
time ICE has run me out of a job.
Salaams to the family.

Mo walks away, goes to dap José goodbye.

JOSÉ
Gonna miss you, hermano.

MO
You too brother.

As Mo makes his way out the door, José attempts to curse him
in Arabic along with the appropriate hand gesture.

JOSÉ
(gesturing)
Hey Mo -- Biteezee!

MO
(correcting)
It’s Bi-teezak! Like this.

1.8 INT. MARIA’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 1.8 *

Mo checks his phone in bed while his girlfriend, MARIA (late
20s-30s, Mexican), comes out of the bathroom after having
just finished washing for the night.

MARIA
I’m telling you, if I see Ramón’s
ass crack one more time...
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 11.


MO
Baby, I don’t wanna hear you talk
about other men’s asses.

MARIA
I don’t wanna see their asses! I’ve
tried belts, lululemons -- the
guy’s crack is relentless.

MO
Put him on oil changes, stick him
under the car.

Maria: That’s not a bad idea... She picks Mo’s Houston Mobile *
Spot shirt up and folds it, before joining him in bed.

MARIA
You gonna retire that thing? Hang
it on your wall like a jersey? *

MO
I’m gonna keep it so my mom thinks *
I still work there. *

Maria laughs -- then sees he’s not kidding.

MARIA (IN SPANISH)
Seriously? Just tell her!
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Mo is fired from his job at a phone store because his boss, Abood, is worried about an ICE raid. Mo argues with Abood, but Abood gives him an envelope with the money he owes him and tells him to leave. Mo leaves the store and says goodbye to his coworker, José.
Strengths
  • Well-developed characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Balanced tone
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances serious and light-hearted moments, providing depth to the characters and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of job loss due to immigration status and the uncertainty faced by immigrants is well portrayed, adding layers to the characters' motivations and struggles.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Mo faces a setback in his job and grapples with the uncertainty of his immigration status, setting up potential conflicts and challenges for the future.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by undocumented workers in a retail setting, with authentic dialogue and cultural references that add depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and dialogue reveal depth and complexity, making them engaging and relatable.

Character Changes: 6

Mo experiences a setback in his job, leading to potential changes in his circumstances and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal is to secure his job and financial stability despite his undocumented status and impending asylum hearing. He wants to prove his worth to his boss and maintain his livelihood.

External Goal: 7

Mo's external goal is to convince Abood Rahman to keep him employed despite his lack of work permit and impending asylum hearing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from Mo's job loss and immigration struggles.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Abood Rahman's decision to fire Mo creating a significant obstacle for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, with Mo facing job loss and uncertainty about his immigration status.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, but the emotional depth and character dynamics add layers of complexity that keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the ethical dilemma of firing an employee based on legal status and the moral implications of loyalty and trust in the workplace.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement to concern, creating a nuanced emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, blending humor with serious conversations. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its realistic dialogue, cultural references, and high-stakes conflict that keeps the audience invested in Mo's plight.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotional stakes that keep the audience invested in Mo's story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and conflict resolution, fitting the expected format for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, as it transitions abruptly from Mo being fired to a conversation with his girlfriend Maria.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with Mo's interactions with Abood and José feeling forced and lacking emotional impact.
  • The scene fails to effectively convey the emotional weight of Mo losing his job and the uncertainty of his asylum status, which are crucial elements of his character's arc.
  • The transition to Mo's conversation with Maria feels abrupt and disconnected from the previous events, making it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
  • There is a lack of visual storytelling and character development in the scene, with minimal description of the setting and character actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to focus more on Mo's emotional turmoil after being fired and his internal struggle with his asylum status.
  • Develop the dialogue between Mo, Abood, and José to add depth and emotional resonance to the scene.
  • Integrate visual elements and character actions to enhance the storytelling and provide a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between the different beats of the scene to maintain coherence and flow.
  • Explore ways to connect Mo's personal struggles with his family's situation and the larger themes of the screenplay for a more cohesive narrative.



Scene 4 -  Clash Over Mother
MO *
Why worry her? I’ll figure out my *
next move and then I’ll tell her. *

Maria stares incredulously. Mo lights a joint.

MO (CONT’D)
Don’t give me that look. You don’t
know my mom. *

MARIA
Because you never let me see her.

MO
You saw her just the other day! *
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 12.


MARIA
We said hello and goodbye, like *
always. Two years now and we’ve *
never had dinner together. *

MO
You want my mom to grill you again?

MARIA
Think I can’t handle her religious
shit?
(as Yusra)
“Maria, why do you Catholics
worship three gods?”

MO
She has a point about the Trinity. *

MARIA
Here we go again. You want to put
me in a hijab.

MO
No! Hijab is not the top priority.
We can build to that later. Start
with the basic Muslim package.

Maria grabs the joint from Mo, takes a toke.

MARIA
You calling me basic?

MO
(playful)
Ain’t nothing basic about you,
girl... *

MARIA
You don’t even go to your mosque. *
Why don’t you come with me to *
church for once? You could use a *
confession... *

Mo takes a drag, blows out a cloud of smoke.

MO
You know nuns wear hijabs, right?
They got OG hijabs.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 13.

1.9 INT. NAJJAR CONDO - ENTRANCE/LIVING ROOM - DAY 1.9

Mo, wearing his Houston Mobile Spot shirt, enters the
family’s small condo. Though it’s not dirty, it’s CLUTTERED,
the space filled with mismatched furniture and random items,
with knickknacks and odd collectibles cramming the shelves.

Plus, it’s LOUD. Yusra shouts in Arabic as she FaceTimes with
her sisters, trying to talk over “The Price is Right”, which
is blasting on the TV.

On his way inside, Mo bumps into an end-table, knocking over
one of three mismatched lamps. YUSRA, now in her 60s, looks
up from her FaceTime --

YUSRA (IN ARABIC)
Watch where you’re going, Hamoudi!

MO
Mama, why do we have three lamps on
one table? You don’t even plug them *
in.

YUSRA
They’re antiques!

Mo picks up the lamp he knocked over, noticing:

MO
This was $11.99 from Target, you
left the price tag on.

YUSRA
Yes, so people will know what a
bargain I got. Come, say hello to
your aunties.

Mo takes the phone to say hello. His Aunt LAMEECE holds her *
phone low for a chin-up view, while his Aunt HALIMA holds *
hers inches from her face. Both unflattering angles.

MO
Hi, Khalto Halima. Hi, Khalto
Lameece.

LAMEECE (FACETIME)
Hamoudi! Look at you!

HALIMA (FACETIME)
Are you okay, habibi? You seem
bigger.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 14.


MO *
I’m fine, you just need to hold *
your phone a little further away -- *

HALIMA (FACETIME)
You need to take care of yourself
if you want to meet a good girl.

LAMEECE (FACETIME)
You need me to set you up, Hamoudi?
I can set you up right now --
(to off screen)
Ayisha! Come, meet my nephew! *

MO
Nope, all good, Ayisha! That’s nice *
of you Auntie, but I’m okay.

YUSRA
He’s talking to a Mexican girl. And
on top of that she’s Catholic.

LAMEECE/HALIMA
Habibi!

Mo ignores their protests.

HALIMA (FACETIME)
Hamoudi, Hadi wants a Samsung
Galaxy. How much can you get them
at work, we’ll pay you.

MO
Tell Hadi I’ll take care of it, the
phone’s on me.

HALIMA (FACETIME)
Are you sure?

MO
Of course, they love me there!

HALIMA (FACETIME)
Oh habibi, thank you!

Mo hands the phone back to Yusra and heads for his room, his
face dropping: Why did I just say that?

1.10 INT. NAJJAR CONDO - MO’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 1.10
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 15.


Mo enters and shuts the door. He takes a calming breath and *
closes his eyes. But the peace and quiet is short lived as he
hears his door CREAK open, followed by a PURRING.

He turns to find his older brother, SAMEER, now 39, in the
doorway, carrying a cat, in his Chick’n Cone uniform. Sameer
stares at him.

MO SAMEER
Why are you looking at me
like that? I’m working on my eye
contact.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Mo and Maria's conversation about his mother intensifies. Maria insists on meeting her, while Mo worries about her reaction. Maria smokes a joint, suggesting they go to church. Mo counters that nuns wear hijabs, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character development
  • Cultural authenticity
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor and depth, offering a glimpse into the characters' personalities and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family banter and cultural clash is well-executed, adding layers to the characters and setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't advance significantly in this scene, it establishes the family dynamics and hints at potential conflicts to come.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique cultural and religious conflicts within a family dynamic, offering fresh perspectives on identity and tradition.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their interactions and dialogue, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal is to navigate his family's expectations and cultural differences while maintaining his own identity.

External Goal: 7.5

Mo's external goal is to avoid confrontation with his family and find a way to assert his independence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is minimal in this scene, primarily revolving around cultural differences and family dynamics.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mo facing conflicting expectations from his family and his own desires.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and cultural clashes.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides insight into the characters and their relationships, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is somewhat predictable in its family conflict dynamics, but the cultural elements add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Mo's desire to maintain his individuality and his family's expectations of conformity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of humor and nostalgia, creating an emotional connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals insights into the characters' backgrounds and beliefs.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, cultural conflicts, and relatable family dynamics.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of dialogue and action, effectively portraying the family dynamics and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose in advancing the overall plot of the screenplay. It feels disconnected from the main storyline of the family fleeing Kuwait during the Gulf War.
  • The dialogue between Mo and Maria feels forced and lacks depth. The conversation about Mo's mother and religion comes off as superficial and does not add much to the character development or plot.
  • The scene relies heavily on stereotypes and cliches about religion and cultural differences, which can come off as insensitive or unoriginal.
  • The transition from Mo's conversation with Maria to the family dynamic in the Najjar condo feels abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or tension in the scene, which is crucial for maintaining the audience's interest and investment in the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus on a more significant conflict or character development that ties back to the main storyline of the screenplay.
  • Develop the dialogue between Mo and Maria to be more authentic and meaningful, exploring their relationship dynamics and personal struggles in a more nuanced way.
  • Avoid relying on stereotypes and cliches, instead, strive to portray the characters' beliefs and backgrounds with depth and authenticity.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between scenes to maintain the flow of the screenplay and keep the audience engaged.
  • Infuse the scene with more emotional depth and tension to captivate the audience and enhance the impact of the characters' interactions.



Scene 5 -  A Deal in the Hookah Lounge
Mo nods, indulging his brother.

SAMEER (CONT’D)
I need you to get some Meow Munch
Premium for Crystal. It’s the only
brand she eats now.

MO
There’s no way a cat’s pallet is
that refined.

SAMEER
Oh no, cat pallets are very
refined. They’ve done studies.

MO
What about the package of Perfect
Portions I just got you?

SAMEER
I also need you to return that.

Sameer steps in, hands Mo a handwritten list, it has one item
on it: Meow Much Premium. Mo tries to hand it back to him.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 16.


MO *
Habibi, I have a lot on my plate --

SAMEER
It’s gotta be within the next two
hours. Crystal’s on a very strict
feeding regimen.

MO
Sameer, I’m not Amazon prime. I’m
not promising to deliver in two
hours. I’ll get it when I can,
okay?

SAMEER
If you don’t get it, I’m gonna tell
mom about your tattoo.

MO
Seriously? You’re pulling this shit
again? Come on...

Beat. Sameer yells through the door:

SAMEER MO (CONT’D)
Mama, Hamoudi mutilated his
body with a tattoo! Fine, fine! I’ll get the
stupid cat food!

Sameer, satisfied, puts his hand on Mo’s shoulder.

SAMEER (CONT’D)
Four hours. I don’t want my little
brother stressed, it’s bad for the
immune system.

1.11 INT. KAAN YA MAKAAN HOOKAH LOUNGE & CAFE - DAY 1.11

Mo walks into the café, heading toward the back. Hookah smoke
fills the lounge as people chat and share plates.

At a table in the back, two men -- ABA WEINBERG (60s, Jewish) *
and NAZEER (60s, Arab) -- play BACKGAMMON, rolling dice and
sliding checkers as they bicker.

ABA WEINBERG NAZEER
You can huff and puff until
you’re blue, but in 1947, the -- Ah, yes, 1947, the year
United Nations -- history began! --

ABA WEINBERG (CONT’D)
-- presented a plan offering both
sides their own country --
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 17.


NAZEER
Devised by the same European
colonialists who seized the land in
the first place. Pass the tahini?

Aba hands Nazeer the tahini. Mo sidles up to the table and
joins them.

MO
Hey, Arafat, Rabin, you guys done
with your podcast?

ABA WEINBERG
Let’s table the peace talks.

MO
I’ve had enough drama, I just got
fired.

NAZEER
You lost your job? What’d you do?

MO
What do you mean, what did I do?
Nothing. ICE raided Rahman’s other
store and he got scared, let me go.

NAZEER
(re: Abood)
No balls, that guy.

A WAITER, HAMEED, mid 20s, sets down more trays of hummus and
all the fixings. Hameed speaks broken English and thinks
“shit fool” -- which he pronounces “shee foo”-- means “yes.”

HAMEED
Hummus. Lemon juice. Chick pea on
side. Sexy.

ABA WEINBERG
Learn English, kid. Hummus ain’t
sexy.

MO
He means it tastes good.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 18.


HAMEED
Shee foo. Shee.

Hameed walks off. Mo takes out a small bottle of OLIVE OIL
and MIXES the hummus with the side ingredients, customizing
it to his liking. Nazeer comments as he mixes:

NAZEER
Look at this guy, so particular
with his hummus. Baladi asly.

MO
Taban. I got high standards, amoo.

ABA WEINBERG
You know they make this snack-cup
hummus now? It’s actually not bad.

MO
That’s a war crime.

NAZEER
So what are you gonna do for work?

Mo takes a beat, swallows.

MO
I wanna start selling again.
Bootlegs, counterfeits, whatever.

NAZEER
Why go back to selling that crap?

MO
Because I’m good at it. Can you
hook me up?

Nazeer doesn’t like the idea.

NAZEER
You need a job? Work for Aba in his
suit shop.

ABA WEINBERG
I’d love to have him, the kid’s a
natural salesman. But what am I, a
charity?

MO
(to Nazeer)
It’s just a side-hustle. I’m still
gonna get another job.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 19.


NAZEER MO (CONT’D)
Your father, God rest his
soul -- God rest his soul.

NAZEER (CONT’D)
Wouldn’t want to see you or Sameer
or Nadia get in trouble.

MO
But he’d want me to support the
family. I don’t want to be selling
this shit either, but what am I
supposed to do?

Nazeer’s still unconvinced.

MO (CONT’D)
If I have to go around Harwin
asking for a connect, I will. But
yallah, you know everyone in the
wholesale district. Save me the
time, hook me up.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Mo reluctantly agrees to buy specific cat food for his brother's cat, as Sameer threatens to tell their mother about Mo's tattoo if he doesn't get it within four hours. Mo seeks help from Nazeer and Aba Weinberg in a hookah lounge to discuss his job loss and plans to start selling bootleg goods again. Nazeer is hesitant but agrees after Mo convinces him it's just a side hustle to support his family. However, Nazeer warns Mo that his father would not want him to get into trouble.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Balanced tone
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and seriousness, providing insight into the characters' personalities and struggles. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dynamics, financial struggles, and personal ambitions is well-developed in the scene. It explores the tension between familial responsibilities and individual desires.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Mo discusses his job loss and plans to start selling again. The conflict between his family's expectations and his own ambitions is highlighted.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on family dynamics, cultural diversity, and ethical dilemmas. The characters' interactions feel authentic and relatable, offering a unique take on societal issues.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Mo's desire to support his family while pursuing his own goals adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 6

Mo's decision to start selling again shows a shift in his character's trajectory. The scene sets up potential changes in his relationships and goals.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to support his family and navigate the challenges of losing his job. He is conflicted about returning to his previous illegal activities but feels pressured to provide for his family.

External Goal: 7

Mo's external goal is to find a new source of income after losing his job. He considers returning to selling bootlegs and counterfeits as a way to support his family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Mo's family expectations and his desire to start selling again creates tension in the scene. The discussion about his job loss adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals among the characters. Mo faces resistance from Nazeer and Aba in his decision to return to illegal activities, adding complexity to the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, with Mo facing the challenge of balancing his family responsibilities and personal ambitions. The potential consequences of his decisions add tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Mo's plans to start selling again and the conflicts he faces. It sets up future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' conversations and decisions. The audience is kept on their toes as the characters navigate their challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on work, ethics, and family responsibility. Mo struggles with the idea of returning to illegal activities to support his family, while Nazeer and Aba have contrasting opinions on the matter.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to reflection. The characters' struggles and ambitions evoke empathy from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, blending humor with serious discussions. It reveals the characters' relationships and inner conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic dialogue, cultural references, and character interactions. The conflicts and dilemmas faced by the characters draw the audience in and create tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing dialogue, action, and character development effectively. The rhythm of the scene enhances the tension and emotional depth of the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and structured, following the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay. The descriptions and character actions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of dialogue and action, capturing the characters' interactions and conflicts effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a light-hearted interaction between Mo and Sameer about getting cat food, but quickly escalates into a threat from Sameer about revealing Mo's tattoo to their mother. This sudden shift in tone feels a bit jarring and could be smoothed out for better flow.
  • The dialogue between Mo, Aba Weinberg, and Nazeer at the hookah lounge is engaging and provides insight into Mo's current situation. However, the transition from the cat food conversation to the hookah lounge scene could be more seamless to maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The introduction of the character Nazeer and his reluctance to help Mo get back into selling counterfeit goods adds an interesting dynamic to the scene. However, the conflict between Mo's desire to support his family and Nazeer's warning about getting into trouble could be further explored to create more tension and depth.
  • The scene touches on themes of family responsibility, job loss, and the temptation to return to illegal activities for financial gain. These themes could be more effectively woven together to create a cohesive narrative that drives the story forward.
  • The scene lacks visual elements and actions that could enhance the storytelling and provide a more immersive experience for the audience. Adding more visual cues and physical movements could help bring the scene to life and make it more dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the cat food conversation and the hookah lounge scene to maintain a consistent tone and flow.
  • Explore the conflict between Mo and Nazeer further to add depth and tension to the scene.
  • Integrate more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Ensure that the themes of family responsibility, job loss, and temptation are effectively integrated into the scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Work on balancing the light-hearted moments with the more serious themes to create a cohesive and engaging scene.



Scene 6 -  Hustle in the Parking Lot
NAZEER
(capitulating)
All right, all right. I’ll make a
call. You happy now?

MO
Thank you, amoo. I appreciate it.
(needling Aba)
‘67 borders and right of return.

ABA WEINBERG
Right of return?? We’ll never reach
a deal with your fakakta terms.

NAZEER
The nakba started the whole thing!

1.12 EXT. STRIP MALL PARKING LOT - ALIEF, TX - LATE AFTERNOON 1.12

Mo leans against his trunk, scoping out possible customers as
people walk by. He spots a 20-something LATINO KID in a
hoodie approaching.

MO
Wassup my man, I --

The kid walks by, gives Mo the finger from behind. Mo shakes
it off, spots a 30-something WHITE GUY wearing New Balances.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 20.


MO (CONT’D)
Nice kicks, bro. Check out these --

As soon as Mo opens his mouth, the guy nervously power
walks/runs away.

Finally Mo spots JIM (early 50s, southern) walking toward
him, rubbing his lower back in pain. Mo zeros in on him.

MO (CONT’D)
What are you, a size 12?

JIM
(impressed)
Yes sir.

MO
Corral boots?

JIM
Sonofabitch, you’re right again. My
old trusties.

MO
They’re old, all right. Probably
not good for your back either.

JIM
Yeah, I got real bad lower back
pain.

MO
Same here. But once I switched over
to these Yeezys, my lower back pain *
disappeared. Thank you, Yeezus,
that’s what I say.
(hands one to him)
See? Designer, yet orthopedic.

JIM
Yeah, I dunno. These don’t look
like the kinda thing I’d wear.

MO
That’s cuz you haven’t tried them
on yet.

Mo reaches into his trunk like a magician and plops down a
stool for Jim.

MO (CONT’D)
C’mon have a seat, what’s it gonna
take, 30 seconds?
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 21.


Jim reluctantly takes a seat. Mo fits the Yeezys on him.

MO (CONT’D)
(a slight southern accent)
Listen, Corrals are great, but you
can’t walk a country mile in ‘em.
Back pain’s nothing to play with.
Mess up your lower lumber and you
won’t be able to pickup your
grandkids.
(finishes lacing)
Go on, give ‘em a try.

Jim takes a few steps and is pleasantly surprised: *

JIM
Wow. These are golden.

MO
And they’re made of high quality
materials too. You can hang your
hat on that. Look, let’s not burn
daylight here. Genuine aftermarket
Yeezys go anywhere from $350 to
over a $1,000 a pop. I’m offering
you these for $200 -- that’s below
retail.

Jim thinks about it. He likes the sneakers, but --

JIM
I don’t think spending that kinda
money on sneakers is gonna fly with
the wife.

MO
I smell what you’re stepping in. So
I’m gonna sweeten the pot.

Mo reaches into his trunk, takes out a hand bag.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 22.


MO (CONT’D)
For $300 -- I know, hear me out --
I’ll throw in this Chanel purse
that’s just like the real thing
that sells for a $1,000. She’ll
never know the difference.

Mo stares at Jim. Jim stares back. A beat.

CUT TO:

1.13 EXT. STRIP MALL PARKING LOT - ALIEF, TX - MOMENTS LATER 1.13 *

Mo watches as good ol’ Jim walks away in a new pair of
Yeezys, with Corral boots in one hand and a Chanel purse in
the other.

1.14 INT. THE BREAKFAST KLUB - NIGHT 1.14

Mo, Maria, and Mo’s oldest friend, NICK (30s, Black), chow
down on breakfast food at this local Houston staple.

Maria stares at the Chanel bag on her lap, marveling. She’s
inspecting the bag, trying to find a flaw.

MARIA
(in awe)
This isn’t real?

NICK
You don’t wanna be selling this
fake shit, man.

MO
It’s not “fake”. It’s a high
quality replica.

NICK
That’s the problem -- it’s too
real. Remember Fat Phillip from
Hastings? He got busted selling
those mock Louis V’s -- they hit
him with a fuckin’ felony.

MO
It’s not an actual crime! I’m
stealing from Kanye - he doesn’t
give a fuck. He’s busy making
moccasins for NASA or some shit.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 22A.


MARIA
I don’t care about Kanye, I care
about you. You can get in trouble.

MO
Oh you care about him... you voted
for him.

NICK
(incredulous)
You voted for Kanye?

MARIA
(defensive)
He’s a free-thinker! He was the
only one that wasn’t bought out by
wall street. A self-made man.

NICK
Wow. You’re the blackest person I
know. You vaccinated?

MARIA
(ignoring)
Listen, I used to dream about
voting before I became a citizen.
Then when I did... I realized all
the options suck. So yeah -- Kanye.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 23.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a strip mall parking lot, hustler Mo charms buyers with convincing fake designer goods. Despite Nick's warnings about legal risks, Mo remains unfazed. Nazeer handles a dispute over the phone, while Maria admires a fake Chanel purse. Mo sells Yeezys and a purse to Jim, and the group ends the day sharing breakfast at a local Houston diner.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Well-developed characters
  • Blend of drama and comedy
Weaknesses
  • Potential ethical implications of selling counterfeit goods may not resonate with all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and effectively showcases Mo's entrepreneurial spirit and the dynamics between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of selling counterfeit goods and the ethical dilemma it presents is intriguing and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Mo's sales pitch and the potential consequences of his actions, keeping the audience interested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of entrepreneurship and the challenges of selling counterfeit goods. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique traits and motivations that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it does reveal more about Mo's entrepreneurial mindset and his relationships with other characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal in this scene is to make a successful sale and provide for himself and his family. This reflects his deeper need for financial stability and success in his entrepreneurial endeavors.

External Goal: 7

Mo's external goal in this scene is to sell the Yeezys and Chanel purse to Jim. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing a potential customer to make a purchase.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mainly centered around the ethical dilemma of selling counterfeit goods.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jim's reluctance to make a purchase and Maria's concerns about the legality of selling counterfeit goods. These obstacles create tension and conflict, driving the scene forward.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, with the potential consequences of selling counterfeit goods looming in the background.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Mo's entrepreneurial endeavors and setting up potential conflicts for future development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Mo's sales pitch and the characters' reactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethics of selling counterfeit goods and the moral implications of deceiving customers. This challenges Mo's values and beliefs about the nature of his business.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene leans more towards humor and light-heartedness rather than deep emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The interactions between Mo, Jim, and Maria keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is well-formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose. It seems to meander without a strong central conflict or resolution.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the interactions between Mo and potential customers. It could benefit from more authentic and engaging conversations.
  • The transition between Mo selling the Yeezys to Jim and then offering the Chanel purse feels abrupt and disjointed. It could be smoother and more seamless.
  • The character dynamics between Mo, Maria, and Nick are interesting but could be further developed to create more depth and tension in the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the central conflict and goal of the scene to give it a stronger narrative drive.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on character motivations and dynamics.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different interactions and plot points to create a more cohesive flow.
  • Further develop the relationships between Mo, Maria, and Nick to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Consider adding more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and keep the audience visually engaged.



Scene 7 -  Clash of Values: Counterfeit Quandary
MO
And once I’m a citizen, I won’t
sell this shit. But right now this
is the only work I can get.

NICK
Stop acting goofy, man. My boy’s *
got room at Frenchy’s Chicken ‘til *
your case comes through. *

MO
I make way more money with this and *
I can’t get fired. *

Nick swallows a bite, then:

NICK
What good is that money if you get *
locked up? *
(beat) *
Maria, you know how me and this guy *
became brothers? His dad died the *
same year my pops went to jail. *

Nick lifts his left arm sleeve up to reveal a tattoo that
says “CHETACHI”.

NICK (CONT’D)
We got tats with our dads’ names.

MARIA
I didn’t know you had one like
Mo...

NICK
I guess he forgot to tell you.
He prolly also forgot that he used
to drive with me to visit my pops.
(leaning in to Mo)
He definitely forgot what the
inside of that jail was like.

MO
Chill man! I’m not goin’ to jail.

NICK
Yeah, they might send you back to
Palestine first.
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 24.


MO
Back? I’ve never been. I’m not a
citizen there, or here -- nowhere.
I don’t even have a passport. All I
got is my asylum claim and a bunch
of Gucci bags.

MARIA
(switching gears)
A bunch? You got any leather-minis?

MO
I need to take care of my family
today. They’re relying on me. I’m
gonna do what I have to ‘till I can
start my own business, buy some
land... do things the right way.

NICK
All I’m saying is you’re doing the
one thing that could kill your
whole case.
(beat)
And I’m not tryna get a Mo tattoo.

MARIA
He’s right Mo... and you’d do
terrible in jail.

MO
What are you talking about? I’d be
amazing. I’d form alliances
instantly.

MARIA
Aw, baby... no. You’re too
sensitive.

NICK
(nodding)
You’re a big dude but... you’re
actually a small dude, you feel?

Maria lifts Mo’s sleeve, looking at his MUSTAFA tattoo. ON *
Mo’s face, insulted and concerned...
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 25.

1.15 INT. SUPERMARKET - EVENING 1.15

CLOSE ON hands grabbing a large bag of MEOW MUNCH CAT FOOD
off a shelf. The brand’s logo is a cartoon cat smiling wide.

REVEAL Mo, carrying the bag on his shoulder. He passes a
white SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE at a SAMPLE TABLE.

SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE
Hi, sir. Care to try some chocolate
hummus?

Mo stops dead in his tracks. Eyes the “hummus” and pita bread
samples.

MO
What did you just say to me?
Chocolate hummus?

Mo pulls out his small bottle of olive oil and pours some out
to dip the pita in. Explaining matter-of-factly as he eats:

MO (CONT’D)
See, this is the problem. First the
West goes to war with Arabs, then
it steals from them.

SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE
Sir, what are you doing? --

MO
It’s not enough to bomb us, you
gotta debase our culture too?

SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE
Sir, the pita is for the hummus --

MO
This isn’t hummus, okay? Hummus
doesn’t come in candy flavors.
(MORE)
GOLDENROD DRAFT - 12/10/21 26.
MO (CONT’D)
This is dip in brown face, that’s
what this is.
(looks down at his collar)
Is that an oil stain?

Mo’s inspecting the stain when suddenly -- POP POP POP --

BLOOD SPLATTERS on his shirt. WTF?? The employee SCREAMS in
horror.

Mo looks at the bag of Meow Munch. The cartoon cat’s covered
in blood as food pellets pour from a hole in its eye.

The screen goes BLACK.

END OF EPISODE
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Mo's determination to sell counterfeit goods clashes with Nick's warnings about the legal risks, while Maria shares Nick's concerns. Despite reminders of their shared past and the potential consequences for his asylum case, Mo remains adamant. Meanwhile, a seemingly innocuous encounter with a supermarket employee over chocolate hummus escalates into a violent outburst due to a burst-open cat food can splattering blood. The scene ends abruptly, leaving Mo's fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for cliched dialogue in some interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and internal struggle faced by Mo, setting up a compelling conflict for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young man resorting to illegal activities to support his family in a challenging environment is engaging and offers a unique perspective on survival.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Mo makes decisions that could have significant consequences for his future, adding depth to his character and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on cultural identity, family dynamics, and societal challenges. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Mo and Nick, are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and conflicting motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Mo experiences internal conflict and is forced to confront the potential consequences of his actions, leading to a subtle but significant change in his mindset.

Internal Goal: 8

Mo's internal goal is to provide for his family and eventually start his own business. This reflects his deeper desire for stability, success, and independence.

External Goal: 7

Mo's external goal is to make money through his current job to support his family and future business endeavors. This reflects the immediate challenge of financial security and legal status.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Mo's desire to support his family and the risks of his illegal activities creates a palpable tension that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, values, and goals. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates, adding suspense and drama to the story.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Mo's situation, including the risk of legal trouble and the need to support his family, create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and dilemmas for the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected plot twists, and emotional revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters' decisions will impact the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing perspectives on risk-taking, loyalty, and cultural identity. Mo's willingness to take risks clashes with Nick and Maria's concerns about his safety and legal status.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and concern for Mo's well-being, as well as empathy for his difficult circumstances.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, effectively conveying the tension and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, emotional depth, and thematic complexity. The tension and conflict between the characters keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character dynamics, and advancing the plot. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. The dialogue is properly formatted, enhancing readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear character motivations and conflicts. The dialogue and action sequences flow smoothly, engaging the audience and advancing the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping between different topics and conflicts without a cohesive thread.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the conversation about chocolate hummus and cultural appropriation.
  • The transition from a serious discussion about Mo's legal risks to a comedic interaction in the supermarket feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The emotional depth of the scene is overshadowed by the scattered nature of the dialogue and actions.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in exploring Mo's internal struggles and external conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue to focus on one central conflict or theme, such as Mo's internal dilemma about his illegal activities and their consequences.
  • Integrate the supermarket interaction more smoothly into the overall narrative, ensuring it adds depth to Mo's character rather than feeling like a random event.
  • Enhance the emotional resonance of the scene by delving deeper into Mo's motivations and fears, allowing the audience to connect with his struggles on a deeper level.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and backgrounds.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and impactful ending that leaves a lasting impression on the audience and ties back to the overarching themes of the screenplay.