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Scene 1 - Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

MAD MEN
Written by

Matthew Weiner

One-Hour Pilot

“Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”

Revised Pink April 20, 2006
Full Revised Blue April 18, 2006
Production Draft April 3, 2006
2.

Mad Men --

A term coined in the late nineteen-fifties to describe the advertising executives
of Madison Avenue.

They coined it.
FADE IN:

1 TITLE CARD "MAD MEN" 1

Images and sounds from late 1950's and early 60's
advertising: Doctors selling cigarettes. Athletes selling
liquor. Bathing suit models with vacuum cleaners.

And most importantly, proud Dads with their perfect wives and
children driving their cars to some green suburban utopia.

We get a sense of the time and its ideals.

END TITLE SEQUENCE.

2 TITLE CARD "MANHATTAN - 1960" 2

3 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - NIGHT 3

Stock footage of late 50's - early 60’s Manhattan - night-
time shots of vintage skyscrapers, traffic, and people.

4 INT. KNICK KNACK BAR 4

Vinyl upholstery and mirrored walls, but brand new. It's
after work, but the women have their hair done and each man's
tie is pushed to the top of his collar. Highballs and
martinis clink under quiet music and everywhere are the
sights and sounds of smoking.

Alone in a red corner booth is DON DRAPER, early 30's,
handsome, conservative, and despite his third old fashioned,
he is apparently sober. He is doodling on a cocktail napkin.
He crosses something out, puts down his fountain pen, and
taps a cigarette out of a pack of "Lucky Strike".

The BUSBOY, a middle-aged black man, too old for his tight
uniform, approaches.

BUSBOY
Finished, sir?

DON
Yeah. Got a light?

The busboy pulls out a pack of matches from the back of his
'Old Gold’s' and lights Don's cigarette. *

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 2.
4 CONTINUED: 4

DON (CONT'D)
Ah, an 'Old Gold' man. *
(inhaling)
'Lucky Strike', here.

There is an awkward silence. The busboy starts to walk away.

DON (CONT'D)
Can I ask you something? Why do
you smoke 'Old Gold'? *

The busboy seems flustered and looks around nervously. The
burly white BARTENDER approaches.

BARTENDER
I'm sorry sir. Is Sam here
bothering you? He can be a little
chatty.

DON
No, we're actually having a
conversation. Is that okay?

BARTENDER
(thinking)
Can I get you another drink?

DON
(points to drink)
Do this again. Old Fashioned,
please.

The bartender walks off.

DON (CONT'D)
So, obviously you need to relax
after working here all night.

BUSBOY
I guess. I don't know.

DON
What is it, low-tar? Low-nicotine?
Those new filters? I mean, why
"Old Gold"? *

BUSBOY
They gave them to us in the
service. A carton a week for free.

DON
So you're used to them. Is that
it?

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 3.
4 CONTINUED: (2) 4

BUSBOY
Yeah, they're a habit.

DON
So I could never get you to smoke
another kind? Let's say, my
Luckies?

BUSBOY
I love my Old Gold. *

DON
Let's just say tomorrow a tobacco
weevil comes and eats every last
Old Gold on the planet. *

BUSBOY
That's a sad story.

DON
Yes, it's a tragedy. Would you
just stop smoking?

BUSBOY
I'm pretty sure I'd find something.
I love smoking.

DON
(writing as he speaks)
"I love smoking". That's very
good.

BUSBOY
My wife hates it. "The Reader's
Digest" says it will kill you.

DON
Yeah, I heard about that.

BUSBOY
(shrugs)
Ladies love their magazines.

DON
Yes, they do.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don Draper engages in a conversation with a busboy in a bar about smoking and his choice of brand.

Strengths "The scene effectively establishes the time period and introduces Don Draper's character."

Weaknesses "The dialogue could be more engaging."

Critique This is a strong scene that effectively sets the time period and introduces the main character, Don Draper. The dialogue between Don and the busboy is engaging and gives insight into both characters' personalities and attitudes towards smoking. The scene also touches on societal attitudes towards smoking and the influence of advertising.

One suggestion for improvement would be to tighten up the dialogue and make it more concise. Some of the lines feel repetitive or unnecessary. For example, when the busboy says "Yeah, they're a habit" in response to Don asking if he's used to smoking Old Gold, it feels redundant. Removing lines like this would streamline the scene and make it more impactful.

Additionally, there is room to further develop the visuals in the scene. While the descriptions of the bar and the characters' actions are clear, there could be more attention to detail in creating a vivid visual image of the setting and the characters.

Overall, this scene is effective in introducing the world of Mad Men and establishing the main character. With some tightening of the dialogue and further attention to detail in the visuals, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions - There is a lot of description in this scene. Consider trimming down some of the details to make it more concise and focused.
- Add more specific actions and dialogue to show the characters' personalities and motivations.
- Consider adding more conflict or tension between Don and the busboy to make the scene more engaging.
- Think about how the dialogue can reveal more about the characters and their relationships.
- Consider adding more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene.
- Create more visual and cinematic moments to make the scene visually interesting.

Scene 2 - Late Night Conversation

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

5 INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - LATER 5

Don, hat in hand, knocks on the door. He waits a beat and
checks his watch. It's midnight. The door opens to reveal
MIDGE DANIELS, a sexy no nonsense woman about Don's age
wrapped in a red kimono.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 4.
5 CONTINUED: 5

MIDGE
(sarcastic)
You weren't worried about waking
me, were you?

DON
Am I interrupting anything?

MIDGE
No, only my work.

She turns and Don follows her shapely form into the
apartment.

6 INT. MIDGE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 6

The apartment has a huge glass view of Manhattan and is
decorated in Swedish modern: chrome, teak, and white. In the
center of the room, under a large mobile, is a queen-size bed
on a platform.

Midge walks to her drafting table where she is working. Don
sits on the edge of the bed.

MIDGE
Well, you're lucky I'm still up
working. And that I'm alone.

DON
How's it going?

MIDGE
They invented something called
"Grandmother's Day". It ought to
keep me busy drawing puppies for a
few months.

She holds up a few of the greeting cards that she has been
working on.

DON
Can I run a few ideas past you?

Midge smiles and heads to the bar to fix a couple of drinks.

MIDGE
Does that mean what I think it
means? Because I'm familiar with
most of your ideas.

Don starts leafing through his pockets, pulling out napkins.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 5.
6 CONTINUED: 6

DON
I have this situation with my
cigarette account.

MIDGE
(surprised)
Wow, you really are here to talk.

DON
The Trade Commission is cracking
down on all of our health claims.

MIDGE
I get "Reader's Digest".
(handing him a drink)
This is the same scare you had five
years ago. You dealt with it. I
know I slept easier knowing that
doctors smoke.

DON
But that's the problem. The whole
"safer cigarette" thing is over.
No more doctors, no more
testimonials, no more cough-free,
soothes your t-zone, low-tar, low-
nicotine, filter-tipped, nothing.
It's over. All that's left is a
crush-proof box and "Four Out of
Five Dead People Smoked Your
Brand."

Don drains his drink. Midge puts on a record. She sits
behind him on the bed, starts rubbing his neck.

MIDGE
Is this the part where I say, "Don *
Draper is the greatest ad-man ever
and his big strong brain will find
a way to lead the sheep to the *
slaughterhouse"?

Don grabs her hands over his shoulders, pulls her over and
kisses her on the lips lightly.

DON
I don't want to go to school
tomorrow.

MIDGE
Are you going to pitch it to me or
not?

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 6.
6 CONTINUED: (2) 6

DON
Midge, I'm serious. I have
nothing. I'm over and they're
finally going to know it. The next
time you see me there'll be a bunch
of young executives picking the
meat off my ribs.

MIDGE
That's a pretty picture.

DON
What's your secret?

MIDGE
Nine different ways to say, "I love
you, Grandma."

She opens her kimono revealing she has nothing on underneath
and pulls Don's head to her chest. As she smiles with
pleasure, we

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don Draper visits Midge Daniels at her apartment late at night. They discuss the challenges he is facing with his cigarette account and the crackdown on health claims by the Trade Commission. Midge offers sarcastic remarks and suggestions, while also revealing her personal artwork. The scene ends with a suggestive moment between Don and Midge.

Strengths

Compelling dialogue
Intimate setting

Weaknesses

Lack of visual action

Critique Overall, this scene does a good job at establishing the relationship between Don and Midge and setting up the conflict he is facing with his cigarette account. The dialogue between the characters feels natural and provides insight into their personalities. The use of sarcasm and wit adds depth to the scene.

One suggestion for improvement would be to add more description of the characters' actions and expressions. This would help enhance the visual aspect of the scene and make it more engaging for the reader.

Additionally, there could be more attention to the pacing and structure of the scene. Some moments feel rushed, while others could benefit from more build-up or tension. Consider revising the transitions between dialogue and action to better flow from one moment to the next.

Overall, this is a solid scene that effectively introduces important information and develops the dynamic between the characters. With some further attention to detail and pacing, it has potential to be even stronger.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual descriptions: Currently, the scene lacks detailed visual descriptions. Add more details to paint a vivid picture of the apartment and the characters. For example, describe the lighting, the specific colors and style of the apartment, and any notable objects or decorations. This will help set the tone and atmosphere of the scene.

2. Tighten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit repetitive and could be condensed to make it more concise. For example, in Midge's line, "You weren't worried about waking me, were you?", the sarcasm can be conveyed more effectively by simply saying, "You weren't worried about waking me, were you?" Removing unnecessary words can help maintain the pacing and flow of the scene.

3. Enhance the conflict: The scene could benefit from a clearer sense of conflict or tension between Don and Midge. This will add more depth and intrigue to their interactions. Explore what their conflicting desires or motivations may be, and incorporate that into the dialogue and character dynamics. This will make the scene more engaging and memorable.

4. Show, don't tell: Look for opportunities to show character traits and emotions through actions rather than explicitly stating them in dialogue. Instead of Midge saying that she's alone or that Don is interrupting her work, show her busy working and give hints of her frustration or annoyance through her body language or expressions. This will make the scene more visually interesting and allow the audience to draw their own conclusions about the characters.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene could benefit from some variation in pacing. Break up the dialogue with moments of silence or non-verbal communication to create more dynamic and engaging interactions between Don and Midge. This will also give the audience time to process and react to the dialogue and the emotions conveyed by the characters.

Overall, these suggestions aim to enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene and make it more compelling for the audience.

Scene 3 - Late Night Visit

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 6
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

7 INT. MIDGE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 7

Don is laying on Midge's chest. Midge smokes a cigarette.
Don looks off towards the skyline.

DON
We should get married.

MIDGE
You think I'd make a good ex-wife?

Don sits up and grabs a cigarette off the end table.

DON
I'm serious. You have your own
business and you don't care when I
come over. What size Cadillac do
you take?

Midge lays on the bed completely naked, staring at Don.

MIDGE
You know the rules. I don't make
plans and I don't make breakfast.

She smiles a little and throws Don his watch. He puts it on.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 7.
7 CONTINUED: 7

DON
Sterling is having the tobacco
people in nine hours. I have
nothing.

MIDGE
People love smoking. There's
nothing that you, the Trade
Commission, or "Reader's Digest"
can do to change that. *

DON
There's a kid who comes by my
office everyday and looks where
he's going to put his plants.

MIDGE *
Is he handsome?

8 EXT. TOWERING MANHATTAN SKYSCRAPER - MORNING 8

From the air, we see an elegant modern glass building.
Below, the hats on the tops of men's heads swarm like ants
through revolving doors.

9 INT. ELEVATOR 9

A middle-aged black man mans the controls of the crowded
elevator. Three young execs, KEN, DICK, and HARRY, in
apparently identical suits take off their hats and crowd to
the back of the elevator.

DICK
Twenty-three.

HARRY
Oh, but not right away.

An attractive YOUNG SECRETARY, holding her purse to her
chest, steps on the elevator and turns her back to them. The
three men look her over and nod to each other approvingly.

KEN
(to the operator)
Pal, can you take the long way up?
I’m really enjoying the view here.

The secretary looks down. The operator says nothing. Dick
slouches against the back wall.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 8.
9 CONTINUED: 9

DICK
You going to Campbell's bachelor
party?

KEN
Yeah, I want to be there before
they tie an anchor around his neck
and drag him out to sea.

DICK
I heard she's a nice girl.

HARRY
Who wants that?

10 INT. STERLING COOPER AD AGENCY - CONTINUOUS 10

We follow the threesome as they wind down the hall of the
busy office. It's ultra-modern with teak panelling and
Barcelona chairs.

DICK
What did you do that for? She'll
probably be assigned to one of us.

KEN
Then she'll know what she's in for.
Besides, you have to let them know
what kind of guy you are. Then
they'll know what kind of girl to
be.

HARRY
(to Ken)
I have a feeling we won't be going
to your bachelor party anytime
soon.

KEN
Yeah, well, compared to Campbell,
I'm a boy scout.

They walk past an attractive secretary, HILDY, who stands up
as if to stop them.

HILDY
Excuse me, is he expecting you?

DICK
He's not expecting anything.

Ken holds his finger to his lips as the three men burst open
the door to see --
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 9.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don visits Midge at her apartment and suggests they get married. Midge responds sarcastically and they engage in playful banter. Don mentions his upcoming meeting with the tobacco people and expresses his frustration. Midge offers support and reassurance.

Strengths "Strong sarcastic banter between Don and Midge, playful tone, hints at Don's personal frustrations"

Weaknesses "Limited character development, lack of clear conflict or plot advancement"

Critique The scene could be improved by focusing more on the character development and emotional depth. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Characterization: Both Don and Midge's characters could be further developed in this scene. Show their personalities through their actions, dialogue, and reactions. What are the specific traits that make Don want to marry Midge? How does Midge feel about Don's proposal? Adding nuances to their interaction will make the scene more engaging.

2. Dialogue: The dialogue could be made more natural and reflective of how people actually speak. Consider using contractions and shorter sentences to create a more conversational tone. Additionally, you could explore adding subtext to their conversation, revealing deeper emotions and motivations.

3. Visual Imagery: Enhance the visual descriptions to create a stronger and more vivid mental picture. This can be achieved by using sensory details and precise language to describe the setting, characters, and actions.

4. Emotional Depth: Delve deeper into the characters' emotions and motivations. What drives Don to propose? What is Midge's true reaction to his proposal? Adding layers of complexity to their feelings will make the scene more compelling.

5. Overall Story Context: Clarify the overall story context within the scene. It is important to establish the relationship between Don and Midge and how their dynamics fit into the broader narrative. This will help viewers understand the significance of their conversation and its impact on the story.

By incorporating these suggestions, you can strengthen the scene's impact and make it more engaging for both readers and viewers.

Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from some dialogue editing and some additional visual description. Here are some suggestions:

- Consider adding some visual description at the beginning of the scene to set the tone and provide more context for the characters and their surroundings.

- Edit the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of Midge saying "You know the rules. I don't make plans and I don't make breakfast," you could have her say "I don't make plans, breakfast, or promises." This maintains the same idea but in a more concise and memorable way.

- Consider adding some description of the characters' emotions and physical actions to enhance their presence on screen. For example, instead of just saying "She smiles a little," you could say "Midge smiles mischievously, her eyes sparkling with seduction." This adds more depth and visual interest to the scene.

- In the next scene, where the three men are in the elevator, consider adding some dialogue or actions to establish their personalities and relationships. This can help provide more characterization and make the scene more engaging. For example, instead of just saying "The three men look her over and nod to each other approvingly," you could have one of them make a witty comment or exchange a knowing glance with another.

- In the last part of the scene where the three men are walking down the hall, consider adding more specific visual details about the office and the characters' reactions to their surroundings. This can help create a more immersive experience for the audience. For example, instead of just saying "it's ultra-modern with teak panelling and Barcelona chairs," you could describe the hustle and bustle of the office, the sound of ringing phones, and the trendy art pieces on the walls.

- Finally, consider adding some more tension or conflict to the scene. This could be through the characters' dialogue or through some external event or obstacle they encounter. This can help create more dramatic tension and make the scene more dynamic.

By implementing these suggestions, you can elevate the scene and make it more engaging and visually appealing for the audience.

Scene 4 - Pete's Bachelor Party Plans

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 10

11 INT. PETE’S OFFICE - DAY 11

PETE CAMPBELL. He is mid-twenties, charming, all-American,
and on the phone.

PETE
(to phone)
Oh, honey, don't worry, I'll get
home safely. I have an important
appointment right now, so why don't
you go shopping or something? Take
your mother to lunch, tell her it
was my idea.

DICK
(to Ken)
Wow, he's good.

The three guys, Ken, Dick, and Harry, settle into different
places around the office. A few of them light cigarettes.

PETE
(to phone)
It's just a bachelor party. ...
No, I really don't know what they
have planned, but judging from the
creative brainpower around here,
we'll probably end up seeing "My
Fair Lady".

Ken looks offended and takes a card out of his pocket with a
drawing of a stripper, on it is written "The Slipper Room".
He holds it up for Pete.

PETE (CONT'D)
(still on phone)
I'll tell you what. I'll stop by
your place on my way home. Your
mother can check under my
fingernails. ... Of course I love
you. I'm giving up my life to be
with you, aren't I?

He laughs and hangs up the phone and picks up her picture
from his desk.

PETE (CONT'D)
What a great gal. I'll tell you
guys, she stole my heart.

DICK
And her old man's loaded.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 10.
11 CONTINUED: 11

As Pete laughs, he grabs the card with the stripper from Ken.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Strengths

Strong dialogue showcasing the characters' dynamics
Playful banter between Don and Midge
Revealing the frustration Don is facing with his cigarette account

Weaknesses

Limited conflict and high stakes

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively establishes the characters and their dynamics. The dialogue is natural and gives insight into the characters' personalities. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Description: The description of Pete as "charming, all-American" is somewhat cliche and doesn't provide much depth to his character. It would be more helpful to include specific physical details or mannerisms that make him unique.

2. Dialogue tags: The use of "(to phone)" and "(to Ken)" after the character's name in the dialogue tags is unnecessary and can be distracting. Instead, the context of the scene should make it clear who the character is speaking to.

3. Action lines: The action lines are concise and clear, but there could be more descriptions of the characters' movements and reactions. This would create a more visual and engaging scene.

4. Pacing: The scene could benefit from more variation in pace and energy. Consider adding some moments of increased tension or conflict between the characters to heighten the dramatic impact.

Overall, this is a solid scene that effectively introduces the characters and sets up their relationships. With some minor adjustments, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual and physical action: Currently, the scene is mostly dialogue-driven. Consider adding some visual and physical actions to make the scene more dynamic. For example, you could show Pete pacing around the office or fidgeting with objects on his desk while he's on the phone.

2. Show the reactions of Ken, Dick, and Harry: Instead of just stating that they settle into different places around the office, show their reactions to Pete's phone conversation. This will give more depth to their characters and make the scene more engaging. For example, you could describe Ken's offended expression when Pete mentions seeing "My Fair Lady" for the bachelor party.

3. Establish the relationships between the characters: Provide some context or backstory to better understand the relationships between Pete, Ken, Dick, and Harry. This will help the audience connect with the characters and their dynamics. For example, you could include a brief exchange of dialogue that hints at their history together or their roles in the company.

4. Show rather than tell: Instead of having Pete explicitly state that his girlfriend's father is wealthy, find a way to convey this information through actions or subtle dialogue. For example, Pete could hesitantly reach for an expensive-looking watch on his desk or mention a recent extravagant purchase his girlfriend made.

5. Consider the pacing and flow of the dialogue: While the dialogue is informative, consider tweaking it to improve the pacing and flow. Break up long sentences into shorter, more natural fragments, and make sure each line of dialogue serves a purpose in advancing the story or revealing character traits.

6. Utilize the setting: Give more details about Pete's office to make the scene more visually interesting. Describe the furniture, decor, and any personal items on Pete's desk that can provide insight into his character.

Overall, examine each line of dialogue and action to ensure they are meaningful, propel the story forward, and reveal aspects of the characters. Additionally, focus on creating visual interest and emotional depth in the scene.

Scene 5 - First Day at the Office

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

12 INT. STERLING COOPER HALLWAY -- LATER 12

Walking down a wide corridor with open offices on either side
is JOAN, mid-twenties, an incredibly put together office
manager. A half step behind her, carrying a cardboard box
with supplies is PEGGY OLSON, who at 20 seems far younger.

JOAN
Now this is the Executive floor.
It should be organized but it's
not, so you'll find Account
Executives and Creative
Executives, all mixed together.
(laughing)
Please don't ask me the difference.

PEGGY
Great.

JOAN
Hopefully, if you follow my lead,
you can avoid some of the mistakes
I made here.

Ken and Dick pass in the hallway.

DICK
(as he passes)
Hello, Joan.

JOAN
(to Peggy, re: Dick)
Like that one. So, how many trains
did it take you?

PEGGY
Only one, but I got up very early.

JOAN
In a couple of years, with the
right moves, you'll be in the city
with the rest of us. Of course, if
you really make the right moves,
you'll be out in the country and
you won't be going to work at all.

They push through a couple of double doors to another set of
offices with secretarial desks in front of them. Joan points
to an empty desk.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 11.
12 CONTINUED: 12

JOAN (CONT'D)
You'll be there, just across the
aisle from me. We'll both take
care of Mr. Draper for the time
being.

Peggy sits down and starts unloading her things. Joan stands
in front of her, very business-like.

JOAN (CONT'D)
I don't know what your goals are,
but don't over-do it with the
perfume. Keep a fifth of something
in your desk. Mr. Draper drinks
rye. Also, invest in some aspirin,
some band-aids, and a needle and
thread.

Peggy whips out a steno-pad and starts writing.

PEGGY
Rye is Canadian, right?

JOAN
You better find out. He may act
like he wants a secretary, but most
of the time they're looking for
something between a mother and a
waitress. The rest of the time,
well --
(confidentially)
Go home, take a paper bag, cut
eyeholes out of it. Put it over
your head, get undressed and look
at yourself in the mirror. Really
evaluate where your strengths and
weaknesses are. And be honest.

Peggy looks up at her, a little stunned.

PEGGY
I always try to be honest.

JOAN
Good for you.

As Peggy places her gleaming stapler on the desk, she stares
at the two button intercom, the rotary telephone, and the
electric typewriter.

JOAN (CONT'D)
Now try not to be overwhelmed by
all this technology.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 12.
12 CONTINUED: (2) 12
JOAN (CONT'D)
It looks complicated, but the men
who designed it made it simple
enough for a woman to use.

PEGGY
I sure hope so.

JOAN
At lunch, you need to pick up a box
of chocolates, a dozen carnations,
and some bath salts. I'll explain
later.

PEGGY
Thank you, Miss Holloway. You're
really wonderful for looking out
for me this way.

JOAN
It’s Joan.

Joan starts to head away, then turns back.

JOAN (CONT’D)
And listen, we're going to be
working together so don't take this
the wrong way, but a girl like you,
with those darling little ankles,
I'd find a way to make them sing.
Also, men love scarves.

Down the hallway comes a slightly disheveled Don Draper
followed by ROGER STERLING, an elegant WASP with an
incredible head of grey hair. Roger is the Sterling in
"Sterling Cooper Advertising".

As they whisk by, Joan straightens up and sticks her chest
out. She motions for Peggy to stand up as well.

JOAN (CONT'D)
Good morning, Mr. Draper. Oh! And
Mr. Sterling! How are you?

ROGER
Good morning, girls.

As they enter Don's office, Don automatically hands Joan his
hat and overcoat and then closes the door behind them.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Peggy Olson starts her first day as a secretary at Sterling Cooper. Joan, the office manager, gives her a tour and offers advice on how to navigate the office and handle her boss, Don Draper.

Strengths "Strong character introductions, witty dialogue, and setting up the workplace dynamics."

Weaknesses "Lack of significant conflict and emotional depth."

Critique Overall, this scene effectively introduces the character of Joan and her relationship with Peggy. The dialogue between the two characters gives us insight into Joan's experience and professionalism, while also highlighting Peggy's youth and naivety.

One critique would be that some of the dialogue feels a bit forced and expository, particularly when Joan explains the layout of the office and gives Peggy advice on how to handle Mr. Draper. It could be more effective to show this information through actions and interactions rather than just having Joan explicitly explain it.

Additionally, some of the dialogue exchanges, such as the conversation about rye and perfume, feel a bit stilted and unnatural. It might be beneficial to make the dialogue feel more conversational and less like characters delivering information.

Overall, the scene sets up an interesting dynamic between Joan and Peggy and establishes their roles within the office. With some refinements to the dialogue, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Consider adding more action and physical movement to make the scene visually engaging. For example, instead of just walking down a hallway, perhaps Joan and Peggy interact with other employees or encounter obstacles along the way.

2. Develop the characters of Joan and Peggy further. Explore their personalities, motivations, and relationships to make them more dynamic and relatable.

3. Create more dramatic tension or conflict in the scene. This could be achieved by having Joan and Peggy discuss their different approaches to work or highlighting the challenges they might face in their roles.

4. Consider adding humor or wit to the dialogue to make the scene more entertaining. This could be achieved by adding clever remarks or sarcastic comments from both Joan and Peggy.

5. Provide more specific visual details to enhance the audience's understanding of the setting. For example, describe the appearance of the offices or the sounds and smells of the environment.

6. Show, rather than tell, certain aspects of the characters. Instead of having Joan explicitly describe Mr. Draper's expectations, show his actions or have other employees talk about him.

7. Consider adding a subtle element of foreshadowing or hinting at future conflicts or plot developments to keep the audience engaged and curious.

8. Review the pacing of the scene and ensure that the dialogue and action flow smoothly. Consider eliminating unnecessary dialogue or making it more concise.

Overall, the goal should be to make the scene more visually engaging, emotionally impactful, and entertaining for the audience.

Scene 6 - Don's Preparations

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

13 INT. DON DRAPER'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS 13

Roger speaks as Don opens a cabinet and hangs up his coat.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 13.
13 CONTINUED: 13

ROGER
You look like a hundred bucks.
Long night? It's not this tobacco
thing, is it?

DON
It has been on my mind.

ROGER
Well, I should hope so. Lee Garner *
and his father and the whole 'Lucky
Strike' family will be here at
four.

DON
Are you worried?

Don opens a drawer revealing a stack of freshly identical
white shirts still wrapped from the laundry. He takes one
out and changes into it while they talk.

ROGER
No, if I was worried, I'd ask you
what you have. But I'm not. So
I'm just going to assume that you
have something. Which means you
should be worried.

Don folds down his collar and starts tying his tie.

DON
So you came by because you wanted
to watch me get dressed?

ROGER
No, I wanted make sure you were
here.

Don drops a couple of Alka-Seltzer into a glass.

DON
In body, yes. Give me about a half
an hour for the rest.

Roger heads out, but then stops, remembering something.

ROGER
Do we have any...how do I put this?
Have we ever hired any Jews?

DON
Not on my watch.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 14.
13 CONTINUED: (2) 13

ROGER
Very funny. That's not what I
meant.

DON
We've got an Italian. Salvatore,
my art director?

ROGER
(disappointed)
That won't work.

DON
Sorry, but most of the Jewish guys
work for Jewish firms.

ROGER
I know. Selling Jewish products to
Jewish people.

DON
(pretending to write)
That's good.

ROGER
It's just that our eleven o'clock
is with Mencken’s Department Store *
and I wish we had somebody to make
them feel comfortable.

DON
You want me to go down to the deli
and grab somebody?

ROGER
(pointing to Don's shirt)
You missed a button.

Roger exits. Don buttons his shirt. He is now perfectly
dressed. He looks out at the spectacular view of Manhattan
and closes the venetian blinds. Now in his dim office, he
lays carefully on the couch. He looks up at the ceiling and
stares a moment at the dark florescent fixture. A fly
buzzes, trapped inside. He closes his eyes.

FADE OUT.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Don gets ready for a meeting with the tobacco executives and has a conversation with Roger about the upcoming meeting. They discuss the lack of Jewish employees in the company and the need for someone to make the department store executives feel comfortable. Don ends the scene by closing his eyes and reflecting.

Strengths "The scene provides insight into Don's preparations and mindset before an important meeting. The dialogue between Don and Roger is engaging and reveals some tension regarding the lack of diversity in the company."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict or emotional impact. It mainly serves to set up the upcoming meeting."

Critique The scene is well-written and effectively utilizes dialogue to reveal character and set up upcoming events. The conversation between Don and Roger provides insight into their relationship, as well as Don's state of mind. It also introduces the upcoming meeting with Lee Garner and his father from Lucky Strike.

The pacing of the scene is good, with the action of Don changing into a fresh shirt and tying his tie interspersed with the dialogue. This helps to keep the scene visually interesting and adds movement to the otherwise static setting of Don's office.

The dialogue feels natural and true to the characters, with each line revealing something about their personalities and motivations. The banter between Don and Roger adds a touch of humor to the scene, while also addressing the issue of hiring Jewish employees.

The closing moments of the scene, with Don closing the blinds and lying down on the couch, create a sense of introspection and foreshadow something deeper going on with the character.

Overall, the scene effectively establishes the setting, develops the characters, and sets up future events. The dialogue is engaging and the pacing keeps the scene moving forward.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the actions: Instead of simply stating that Don opens a cabinet and hangs up his coat, provide more specific and visual actions to make the scene more engaging. For example, Don could struggle with the coat hanger or have a small interaction with an object in the cabinet.

2. Show the characters' emotions: Add more emotional context to the dialogue by describing the characters' facial expressions, body language, or tone of voice. This will help the reader understand the subtext and nuances of the conversation.

3. Streamline the dialogue: Some of the dialogue exchanges could be tightened to make them more concise and impactful. Look for opportunities to eliminate unnecessary lines or repetitive information to keep the scene moving at a good pace.

4. Add visual details: Expand on the visual elements of the office and surrounding environment to create a more vivid and immersive setting. Describe specific props, lighting, or decor that can enhance the mood or contribute to the character's state of mind.

5. Provide more character development: Use this scene as an opportunity to reveal more about Don and Roger's personalities or their relationship dynamics. This can be achieved through subtle actions, gestures, or small moments of vulnerability.

6. Enhance the ending: Consider adding a more impactful or memorable ending to the scene. This could be achieved through a visual metaphor, a significant gesture, or a line of dialogue that leaves a lasting impression.

Overall, focus on making the scene more visually engaging, emotionally resonant, and meaningful in terms of character development and story progression.

Scene 7 -

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 8

14 INT. DON DRAPER’S OFFICE -- LATER 14

OVER BLACK

We hear Peggy's disembodied voice.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 15.
14 CONTINUED: 14

PEGGY (V.O.)
Mr. Draper? Excuse me? Mr.
Draper?

Fading up on Don’s POV

Peggy stand over Don holding a glass of water in one hand.

PEGGY (CONT'D)
Mr. Draper. Excuse me. I'm sorry
to wake you, but Mr. Campbell is
outside.

DON
He doesn't know I'm sleeping in
here, does he?

PEGGY
No, sir.

DON
That's good. And who are you?

PEGGY
I'm Peggy Olson. The new girl?

Don looks at her, putting things together. He stands up and
tucks in the tail of his shirt, runs a comb through his hair.

DON
Can you go out there and entertain
him?

PEGGY
I know it's my first day and I
don't want to seem uncooperative,
but... do I have to?

DON
I see your point.

PEGGY
(relieved)
I brought you some aspirin.

Don smiles and takes the glass and aspirin from her.

DON
Send him in.

As Peggy turns Pete swings the door open and enters.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 16.
14 CONTINUED: (2) 14

PETE
You look like a hundred bucks.
Ready to go sweet talk some retail
Jews?

DON
You're hard to take first thing in
the morning, Pete.

PETE
I've never had any complaints.
Speaking of which, who's your
little friend, here?

DON
She's the new girl.

PETE
You always get the new girl.
Management gets all the perks.
(to Peggy)
Where are you from, honey?

PEGGY
Miss Deaver's Secretarial School.

PETE
Top notch.
(he looks her over)
But I meant where are you from?
Are you Amish or something?

PEGGY
No, I'm from Brooklyn.

PETE
Well you're in the city, now. It
wouldn't be a sin for us to see
your legs. And if you pull your
belt in a little bit, you might
look like a woman.

Peggy tries to hide her embarrassment by ignoring Pete.

PEGGY
Is that all, Mr. Draper?

PETE
Hey, I'm not done here. I'm
working my way up.

DON
(to Peggy)
That'll be all-- it's Peggy, right? *
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 17.
14 CONTINUED: (3) 14

PEGGY
Yes, Mr. Draper. Oh, and it's time *
for your eleven o'clock meeting.

Peggy starts to walk out.

DON
(to Peggy)
Sorry about Mr. Campbell, here. He
left his manners back at the
fraternity house.

Pete shrugs and holds open the door as Don exits.

Genres: ["romantic comedy","drama"]

Summary

Strengths ""

Weaknesses ""

Critique Overall, this scene effectively introduces the character of Peggy and establishes her dynamic with Don Draper and Pete Campbell. It also establishes the office setting and the power dynamics within it.

One suggestion for improvement would be to provide more visual descriptions to enhance the reader's experience. For example, instead of simply stating "Peggy stands over Don holding a glass of water in one hand," the screenwriter could describe Peggy's body language and expression to give a better sense of her emotions and intentions.

Additionally, the dialogue between Pete and Peggy could be tightened to create more tension and conflict. This would make the scene more engaging and keep the reader's attention.

Overall, the scene does a good job of setting up the characters and their relationships, but there is room to make it more visually compelling and to heighten the conflict.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the setting: Specify the time of day and include more details about the office to create a stronger visual image for the audience.

2. Add character descriptions: Include brief descriptions of Peggy and Don's appearance and demeanor to give the reader a better sense of who they are as characters.

3. Add more action: Consider adding more physical actions or movements for the characters to make the scene more dynamic and visually engaging.

4. Show Peggy's voiceover: Instead of only hearing Peggy's voiceover, show her speaking into a microphone or intercom to emphasize her presence in the scene.

5. Add reactions: Include reactions from Don and Peggy to each other's dialogue to show their emotions and build their relationship.

6. Develop pacing: Consider adding pauses or beats between lines to allow for the dialogue and actions to breathe, creating a more natural rhythm.

7. Edit dialogue for clarity and authenticity: Streamline the dialogue to ensure it sounds more natural and authentic to the characters and time period.

8. Consider visual elements: Explore ways to visually portray the characters' emotions or reactions through their facial expressions, body language, or actions.

9. Provide more context: Include more information about the characters and their relationship in the scene to give the audience a better understanding of the dynamics at play.

10. Cut unnecessary dialogue: Remove any dialogue or actions that do not contribute to the development of the characters or the progression of the story.

Remember, these are just suggestions, and the changes should align with your overall vision for the scene and the story.

Scene 8 - Don and Pete's Meeting with Rachel Mencken

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

15 INT. STERLING COOPER HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 15

Don and Pete walk down the hallway together.

PETE
She's a little young for you,
Draper.

DON
The future Mrs. Pete Campbell is a
lucky woman. When's the wedding,
again?

PETE
Sunday. Did Ken tell you about the
bachelor party tonight?

DON
He sure did.

PETE
So do I get first crack at her?
Word is she took down more sailors
than the Arizona.

DON
How old are you?

PETE
I just turned twenty-six. *

DON
I bet the world looks like one
great big brassiere strap waiting
to be snapped.

PETE
You are good with words, Draper.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 18.
15 CONTINUED: 15

DON
Campbell, we're both men here, so
I'll be direct.

PETE
Christ, are you already sleeping
with her?

Unfazed, Don continues as they round a corner.

DON
Advertising is a very small world.
And when you do something like
malign the reputation of some girl
from the steno pool on her first
day, you make it even smaller.
Keep it up and even if you do get
my job, you'll never run this
place. You'll die in that corner
office: a mid-level account
executive with a little bit of
hair, who women go home with out of
pity.

They've arrived at the big board room. Don stops and
whispers.

DON (CONT'D)
And you know why? Because no one
will like you.

Pete is speechless. Don smiles and opens the door.

16 INT. STERLING COOPER BOARD ROOM - CONTINUOUS 16

Don enters, energized. Pete follows behind him, trying to
smile. Inside, Roger waits with a few people, including
RACHEL MENCKEN, early twenties and stunning in a Chanel suit. *

ROGER
Well here are our miracle workers
now. You already know Pete
Campbell, of course, your Account
Executive, if you choose to do
business with us. And this
handsome guy is Don Draper, the
best Creative Director in New York.

DON
Or at least the building.

He holds his hand out to a young man.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 19.
16 CONTINUED: 16

DON (CONT'D)
You must be Mr. Mencken. *

Roger steps in.

ROGER
(to Don)
Oh, I'm sorry about that.

RACHEL
(offering her hand)
I'm Rachel Mencken. *

DON
I apologize. I was expecting, um--

RACHEL
You were expecting me to be a man?
My father was, too.

Their eyes meet. After a beat, Don finally shakes her hand.

DON
(to young man)
And you are?

ROGER
Why Don, you remember David Cohen
from the Art Department.

DON
(covering)
Oh, of course. David, one of the
rising stars here at Sterling
Cooper.

David smiles awkwardly and wipes his hands on his pants.

ROGER
So why don't we all get comfortable
and Miss Mencken, you tell us what *
you have in mind.

RACHEL
Wonderful.

As they sit down, Don leans in to Roger.

DON
(sotto, re: David Cohen)
Very subtle. Isn't that your
shirt?

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 20.
16 CONTINUED: (2) 16

ROGER
I had to go all the way to the mail
room, but I found one.

17 EXT. MIDTOWN OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 17

An old gothic building. Next to the revolving door we see a
plaque: "Midtown Medical Building".

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don and Pete walk down the hallway together, engaging in sarcastic banter. They discuss Pete's upcoming wedding and Don warns him about the consequences of his actions. They enter the board room where they meet Rachel Mencken, who challenges Don's expectations. They sit down and Don makes a subtle comment to Roger about his shirt.

Strengths "The scene includes witty dialogue and playful banter between Don and Pete. It also introduces Rachel Mencken as a strong and confident character."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict and emotional impact. There are no major plot developments."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and serves its purpose in advancing the plot and introducing the character dynamics. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Don and Pete feels a bit forced, particularly in their playful banter about Pete's upcoming wedding and his interest in a woman. The lines come across as rather cliché and could be written with more subtlety. Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy, with Don and Pete discussing events that have already occurred, which may feel unnatural in a real-life conversation.

Furthermore, there are some moments where the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose, particularly in Don's monologue about advertising and Pete's potential future success. While the intention may be to highlight Don's wisdom and experience, it comes across as a bit heavy-handed. The dialogue could be rewritten to be more nuanced and subtle.

Lastly, the introduction of Rachel Mencken could be improved. It feels like her character is used primarily as a tool for Don to make a slightly sexist comment about her not being what he expected. This moment could be rewritten to give her more agency and depth as a character.

Overall, while the scene effectively serves its purpose, there are some areas where the dialogue could be improved to feel more natural and nuanced.

Suggestions Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the dynamic between Don and Pete, as well as introducing Rachel Mencken. Here are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Develop the dialogue between Don and Pete: The banter between Don and Pete is meant to be playful and sarcastic, but it could be enhanced by adding more specific insults and comebacks. This would make their exchange feel more lively and engaging.

2. Show Don's reaction to Pete's comment about the sailors: The line about the girl taking down more sailors than the Arizona is meant to be provocative, but Don's response feels somewhat disconnected. Adding a reaction from Don, such as a smirk or a raised eyebrow, would emphasize his nonchalant attitude and enhance the tension between the two characters.

3. Provide more context for Don's speech to Pete: While the speech itself is effective in establishing Don's authority and reprimanding Pete, it could benefit from a clearer setup. Consider adding a brief scene or dialogue exchange earlier in the script to establish why Don feels the need to confront Pete about his behavior.

4. Add more description and emotion to Rachel's introduction: When Rachel Mencken is introduced, provide more details about her appearance, body language, and how others react to her presence. This will help to establish her as a strong and captivating character.

5. Strengthen the interaction between Don and Rachel: Currently, the interaction between Don and Rachel feels somewhat rushed and lacks depth. Consider adding more back-and-forth dialogue between them to showcase their chemistry and establish their personalities more clearly.

6. Add visual cues and blocking: Incorporate more visual cues and blocking to enhance the scene's visual storytelling. For example, describe the characters' movements, facial expressions, and gestures to bring the scene to life and make it more engaging for the audience.

By implementing these suggestions, the scene will be strengthened, and the dynamics between the characters will be better established, ultimately making it more engaging for the viewer.

Scene 9 - Peggy's Doctor Visit

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

18 INT. DOCTOR'S EXAMINATION ROOM 18

Peggy sits on the vinyl exam table reading a pamphlet, "It's
Your Wedding Night". Following a knock on the door, DR.
EMERSON, early forties, enters with a clipboard under his
arm.

DR. EMERSON
(reading chart)
So, you must be Peggy Olson. Joan
Holloway sent you over. She's a
great girl. How is Joan?

PEGGY
She sends her regards.

DR. EMERSON
She's a lot of fun. It must be a
scream to work with her.

PEGGY
Yes.
(thinking)
It's pretty terrific.

DR. EMERSON
Try to make yourself comfortable
and relax.

Dr. Emerson nods towards the stirrups. Peggy leans back and
stares up at the acoustic tile. Dr. Emerson adjusts the
reflector on his forehead and begins to palpate Peggy's *
stomach.

DR. EMERSON (CONT'D)
I see from your chart and your
finger, you're not married.

PEGGY
That's right.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 21.
18 CONTINUED: 18

DR. EMERSON
And yet you're interested in the
contraceptive pills?

PEGGY
Well, I--

DR. EMERSON
No reason to be nervous. Joan sent
you to me because I'm not here to
judge you. There's nothing wrong
with a woman being practical about
the possibility of sexual activity.
Spread your knees.

PEGGY
(trying to be casual)
That's good to hear.

DR. EMERSON
Of course, as a doctor, one would
like to think that putting a woman
in this situation, it's not going
to turn her into some kind of
strumpet. Slide your fanny towards
me. I'm not going to bite.

Peggy winces as he inserts the speculum.

DR. EMERSON (CONT'D)
I'll warn you now, I will take you
off this medicine if you abuse it.

Peggy looks towards him but is blinded by the light on his
forehead. All she hears is his disembodied voice.

DR. EMERSON (CONT'D)
It's really for your own good, but
the fact is, even in our modern
times, easy women don't find
husbands.

PEGGY
I understand, Dr. Emerson. I
really am a very responsible
person.

He turns off his light and goes to the other side of the
room. He lights a cigarette.

DR. EMERSON
I'm sure you're not that kind of
girl. Now, Joan...
(he laughs)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 22.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
DR. EMERSON (CONT'D)
I'm kidding along here. You can
get dressed.

Peggy starts to awkwardly put her clothes on, turning her
back to the Doctor.

DR. EMERSON (CONT'D)
I'm going to write you a
prescription for Enovid. They're *
eleven dollars a month. But don't
think you have to go out and become
the town pump to get your money's
worth. Excuse my French.

Peggy smiles politely and takes the prescription.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Peggy goes to the doctor to get a prescription for contraceptive pills. The doctor is friendly and reassuring, making Peggy feel comfortable. They discuss the importance of being responsible and not abusing the medication.

Strengths "The scene effectively establishes Peggy's character and her relationship with the doctor. The dialogue is natural and engaging. The scene moves the plot forward by introducing Peggy's need for contraception."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks a sense of urgency or high stakes. The conflict is minimal."

Critique The dialogue in this scene is well-written and natural, as it effectively conveys the dynamics between Peggy and Dr. Emerson. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Develop the characters: While we get to know a bit about Peggy through her interactions with Dr. Emerson, we don't get much information about Dr. Emerson himself. It would be helpful to understand his motivations and background, as this would add depth to the scene.

2. Show, don't tell: The scene uses a lot of dialogue to convey information. Instead, consider incorporating more visual elements or actions to show the characters' emotions and reactions. This will make the scene more engaging and immersive.

3. Clearer transitions: The scene jumps quickly between different lines of dialogue without much transition, making it feel a bit disjointed. Smooth out the transitions between the characters' responses to create a more fluid and cohesive scene.

4. Consider the tone: The scene deals with sensitive subject matter, and it's important to handle it with care. Make sure the tone of the scene is appropriate and respectful, while still highlighting relevant character dynamics and conflicts.

Overall, the scene does a good job of capturing the awkwardness and vulnerability of Peggy in a doctor's examination room. With a few adjustments, it could become even more impactful and effective in conveying the story.

Suggestions 1. Use descriptive language to set the scene: Instead of just mentioning that Peggy is sitting on a vinyl exam table, describe the room in more detail to create a visual image for the reader.

2. Introduce Peggy's emotions and thoughts: Show more of Peggy's nervousness or discomfort in this situation, especially as she is questioned about her marital status and reasons for wanting contraceptive pills. This will add depth to her character and make the scene more engaging.

3. Show the characters' actions and reactions: Instead of just stating that Dr. Emerson adjusts the reflector on his forehead, show him actually adjusting it. Also, show Peggy's facial expressions or body language as she reacts to the doctor's comments. This will make the scene more dynamic and help the readers connect with the characters.

4. Add more dialogue and conflict: Create more tension between Peggy and Dr. Emerson by having them engage in a disagreement or debate about the morality or practicality of using contraceptive pills. This will make the scene more interesting and give the characters more depth.

5. Improve the pacing: The scene feels a bit rushed, so consider adding more pauses or moments of silence to create a natural rhythm. This will also give the audience time to absorb the dialogue and the characters' emotions.

Scene 10 - Don confronts Rachel

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

19 INT. STERLING COOPER BOARD ROOM - LATER 19

Rachel Mencken sits between David Cohen and Pete listening to *
Don and Roger give their pitch-- Don standing by some mock-up *
ads. The table is lined with Shrimp Cocktails, toast points, *
and a pitcher of Bloody Mary's.

ROGER
So what Don's saying is that
through a variety of media,
including a spot during "The Danny
Thomas Show" if you can afford it,
we can really boost awareness.

DON
Then, a ten-percent off coupon in
select ladies' magazines will help
increase your first time visitors.
(sits, grabs a shrimp) *
After we've got them in the store,
it's kind of up to you.

RACHEL
Mr. Draper, our store is sixty
years old. We share a wall with
Tiffany's. Honestly, a coupon?

DON
Miss Mencken, coupons work. I *
think your father would agree with
the strategy.

RACHEL
He might. But he's not here
because we just had our lowest
sales year. Ever. So, I suppose
what I think matters most right
now.
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 23.
19 CONTINUED: 19

Rachel takes out a cigarette. Pete lights it, smiling.

PETE
Miss Mencken, why did you come *
here? There are a dozen other
agencies better suited to your...
needs.

RACHEL
If I wanted some man who happened
to be from the same village as my
father to handle my account, I
could have stayed where I was.
Their research favors coupons, too.

ROGER
Miss Mencken, it's not just *
research. Housewives love coupons.

RACHEL
I'm not interested in housewives.

DON
(frustrated)
So, what kind of people do you
want?

RACHEL
I want your kind of people, Mr.
Draper. People who don't care
about coupons, whether they can
afford it or not. People who are
coming to the store because it is
expensive.

DON
We obviously have very different
ideas.

RACHEL
Yes, like "the customer is always
right?" Gentlemen, I really
thought you could do better than
this. Sterling Cooper has a
reputation for being innovative.

DON
(raising his voice)
You are way out of line, Miss.

Roger takes hold of the situation.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 24.
19 CONTINUED: (2) 19

ROGER
Don, please. Let's not get
emotional, here. There's no reason
we can't talk this out.

DON
Talk out what? Some silly idea
that people will go to some store
they've never been to because it's
more expensive.

RACHEL
It works for "Chanel".

DON
(steely)
"Mencken’s" is not "Chanel". *

RACHEL
That's a vote of confidence.

Now Pete tries to ease the tension.

PETE
What Don's saying is that "Chanel"
is a very different kind of place.
It's French. It's continental.
It's--

RACHEL
Not just another Jewish department
store?

PETE
Exactly.

Rachel stumps out her cigarette in the shrimp cocktail.

RACHEL
You were right Roger, this place
really runs on charm.

DON
(standing up)
This is ridiculous.

ROGER
Don--

DON
(to Rachel)
I'm not going to let a woman talk
to me like this. This meeting is
over. Good luck, Miss Mencken. *
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 25.
19 CONTINUED: (3) 19

Don storms out. Pete follows after him. David reaches for
the pitcher of Bloody Mary's. As Roger glares, David
awkwardly stops, caught. *

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don and Roger give their pitch to Rachel Mencken, who challenges Don's strategy. The tension rises as Rachel questions the effectiveness of a coupon strategy and expresses her desire for customers who are attracted to the store because it is expensive. Don becomes frustrated and the meeting escalates into an argument, leading Don to storm out.

Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and conflict between Don and Rachel. The dialogue is sharp and reveals the opposing viewpoints of the characters."

Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and actions to enhance the atmosphere and dynamics of the meeting."

Critique Overall, this scene showcases a strong conflict between Rachel Mencken and Don Draper. Here are some critiques and suggestions for improvement:

1. Dialogue: The dialogue is generally strong and effectively conveys the tension between Rachel and Don. However, there are a few places where the dialogue can be tightened or made more impactful. For example, instead of saying "So what Don's saying is," Roger could simply say "Don's suggesting." This eliminates unnecessary words and makes the dialogue more concise.

2. Visuals: The scene description could benefit from more vivid and specific visual details. For example, instead of just saying "The table is lined with Shrimp Cocktails, toast points, and a pitcher of Bloody Mary's," you could describe the presentation of the food and beverages in a more engaging way. This will enhance the visual representation of the scene and make it more immersive for the reader or viewer.

3. Character development: It would be helpful to provide a bit more context and information about Rachel Mencken and her relationship with Don and Sterling Cooper. This will give the audience a deeper understanding of her motivations and perspective, and it will help create a more well-rounded and dynamic character.

4. Pacing: The scene could benefit from some tightening to maintain a more consistent pace and flow. There are a few moments where the dialogue feels repetitive or could be condensed without losing impact. For example, the exchange between Rachel and Pete about "Chanel" could be shortened to keep the momentum of the scene.

5. Non-verbal actions: Consider incorporating more non-verbal actions and gestures to enhance the tension and dynamics between the characters. For example, instead of just saying "Don storms out. Pete follows after him," you could describe their body language and facial expressions to convey the intensity of the moment.

Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively showcases conflict and character dynamics. With a few tweaks and refinements, it can become an even more impactful and engaging moment in the screenplay.

Suggestions 1. Develop the characters' emotions and intentions: Right now, the emotions and intentions of the characters are not clearly conveyed. Take the time to develop the characters' emotions and intentions in this scene. Show their desires, frustrations, and motivations through their actions, dialogue, and expressions.

2. Tighten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels repetitive and could be tightened up. Cut any unnecessary repetition and focus on making each line impactful and concise.

3. Add more visual elements: While this is a dialogue-heavy scene, it's important to add visual elements to make the scene more engaging. Consider incorporating more descriptive details of the characters' actions, reactions, and expressions to enhance the visual aspect of the scene.

4. Increase the conflict and tension: The conflict between Rachel and Don needs to escalate further to add more tension to the scene. Find ways to make their disagreement more intense, with higher stakes at play.

5. Show rather than tell: Instead of characters simply stating their opinions, find ways to show their opinions through their actions and reactions. This will make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

6. Consider pacing: Evaluate the pacing of the scene and ensure it aligns with the overall flow of the script. If necessary, make adjustments to the pacing to maintain the audience's interest and keep the scene moving forward.

7. Improve character dynamics: Focus on developing the dynamics between the characters. Show their relationships, power dynamics, and conflicting personalities to make the scene more interesting and nuanced.

8. Consider the use of subtext: Look for opportunities to add subtext to the scene. Explore deeper layers of meaning and underlying emotions that the characters may not explicitly express in their dialogue. This will add complexity and depth to the scene.

9. Reveal more about the characters: Use this scene as an opportunity to reveal more about the characters involved. Show their flaws, insecurities, and vulnerabilities as well as their strengths. This will make the characters more relatable and three-dimensional.

10. Consider the overall purpose of the scene: Make sure the scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters. Evaluate whether there are any unnecessary elements or digressions that can be trimmed to make the scene more focused and impactful.

Scene 11 - Tension in the Board Room

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

20 INT. STERLING COOPER HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 20

Don walks down the corridor at a brisk clip with Pete
trailing a step behind.

PETE
Hey, Don. I don't blame you. She
was way out of line. *
(catching up) *
Adding money and education doesn't
take the rude edge out of people.

DON
Well, Roger's not going to be
happy. So, I guess that's good for
you.

Pete grabs his arm, stops him.

PETE
I'm not going to pretend that I
don't want your job. But you were
right. I'm not great with people,
and you are. I mean, not counting
that meeting we were just in. So,
I'm kind of counting on you to help
me out. There's plenty of room at *
the top. *

Don calms down.

DON
Yeah, I'm sorry I was so hard on
you before. It's this damn tobacco
thing.

PETE
You'll think of something. A man
like you I’d follow into combat
blindfolded. And I wouldn’t be the
first. Am I right, buddy?

Pete holds out his hand. Don just looks at him.

DON
Let's take this a little slower. I
don't want to wake up pregnant.

As Don walks away, Pete tries not to look insulted.
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 26.
20 CONTINUED: 20

PETE
(under his breath)
Fuck you.

21 INT. STERLING COOPER CORRIDOR - LATER 21

Joan leads Peggy down the hallway. Peggy is holding the
flowers, candy, and bath salts that were requested.

JOAN
Dr. Emerson is a dream, isn't he?

PEGGY
He seemed nice.

JOAN
He has a place in South Hampton.
I'm not saying I've seen it, but
it's beautiful.

Joan stops in front of a door.

JOAN (CONT'D)
Now, don't be nervous, but this is
the nerve center of this office.
You and your boss depend on the
willing and cheerful co-operation
of a few skilled employees. Never
snap, yell, or be sarcastic with
them. And above all, always be a
supplicant.

Joan opens the door. The door to,

22 INT. TELEPHONE SWITCHBOARD ROOM 22

Three women with headsets plug and unplug into a wall of
wires, lights, and holes. There is a drone of ad-libbing,
"Good afternoon. Sterling Cooper. Please hold. Mr.
Dawson's office, please hold." Etc.

JOAN
I know you girls are busy, but
we've got a new one. Peggy, this
is Marge, Nanette, and Ivy.

They nod to Peggy while they work. Joan elbows Peggy.

PEGGY
I brought you some things. I guess
a sort of "getting to know you"
gift.
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 27.
22 CONTINUED: 22

The women stop working. The board buzzes and lights continue
as they chat.

MARGE
(to Peggy)
Aren't you a sweetheart? If I know
Joan, the candy's for me.

IVY
You're not fair, Joan. You know
she has to lose eight pounds by the
Christmas party.

PEGGY
I think you look great.

Joan smiles, pleased that Peggy has picked up the cue.

MARGE
It's because I'm sitting down.

NANETTE
Come back and visit anytime, honey.
(to Joan)
Who does she work for?

JOAN
Don Draper.

MARGE
They got rid of Eleanor?

JOAN
She moved on. Draper wasn't
interested.

NANETTE
Well, she couldn't get a call
through. Rude little thing.

JOAN
I see you all have your hands full.
We don't want to be a bother.

PEGGY
Nice meeting you.

They go back to work answering the phones.

IVY
(to Peggy)
You have great legs. I bet Mr.
Draper would like them if he could
see them.
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 28.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22

She smiles at Peggy as Joan pulls her toward the door. *

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don and Pete discuss Pete's upcoming wedding, Don warns Pete about the consequences of his actions. They meet Rachel Mencken in the board room and tension rises as Rachel challenges Don's strategy. The meeting escalates into an argument, leading Don to storm out.

Strengths "Strong dialogue, tension-building"

Weaknesses "Lack of character development"

Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively moves the story forward. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

1. Dialogue: The dialogue between Don and Pete feels a bit forced and could be refined to sound more natural. Some lines, like "Adding money and education doesn't take the rude edge out of people," sound a bit too on-the-nose and could be replaced with more subtle dialogue.

2. Characterization: While it's clear that Pete is expressing his desire for Don's job and seeking his help, the scene could benefit from more depth in their conversation. It would be interesting to explore their dynamic further and highlight any conflicts or tensions between them.

3. Tone: The transition between Don and Pete's conversation and the introduction of Joan and Peggy feels a bit abrupt. The tone shifts from a serious conversation to a more lighthearted one in a short span of time. It might be useful to find a smoother way to transition between these two moments.

4. Dialogue Continuity: Towards the end of the scene, when Peggy interacts with the telephone switchboard operators, the dialogue feels a bit disjointed. It's not entirely clear how the conversation progresses or why Ivy comments on Peggy's legs. This part of the scene could benefit from more clarity and improved flow.

Overall, the scene effectively introduces characters and relationships, but it could be strengthened with more nuanced dialogue and improved flow between different moments in the scene.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and serves its purpose in advancing the story and developing the characters. However, here are a few suggestions to further improve it:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's not entirely clear why this scene is included in the script. Is it to show the aftermath of a conflict? Is it to introduce new characters? Clarifying the purpose will help strengthen the scene and make it more impactful.

2. Increase the conflict and tension: The scene between Don and Pete could benefit from a stronger conflict and tension. Perhaps Pete could reveal his true intentions or Don could express even more frustration. This would create a more engaging dynamic between the two characters.

3. Show rather than tell: Instead of having Pete explicitly say that he's not great with people and Don is, it would be more effective to show this through their actions and dialogue. For example, Don could handle a difficult interaction with a client while Pete struggles to do the same.

4. Add subtext and nuance: The dialogue between Don and Pete could benefit from more subtext and nuance. There could be underlying emotions and motivations that are not explicitly stated but can be inferred through their conversations and interactions.

5. Provide more context and description: The scene in the telephone switchboard room could benefit from more context and description. Include details about the environment, the characters' appearances, and their interactions. This will help create a clearer visual image for the readers and enhance the immersion of the scene.

6. Enhance the dialogue: Some lines of dialogue could be revised to sound more natural and authentic. Pay attention to the characters' voices and speech patterns to make sure their dialogue is consistent and reflects their personalities and motivations.

By implementing these suggestions, the scene can be improved to be more engaging, meaningful, and impactful within the larger context of the script.

Scene 12 - The Argument

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 8

23 INT. DON DRAPER'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON 23

Don leans back in his chair eyes closed for a moment then
slaps his face to alert himself. He opens a desk drawer,
pulling out a chest exerciser which is just a few springs and
some handles. As he does a small black leather box drops to
the floor, popping open. He puts the exerciser on the desk
and returns the contents to the box-- we see it’s a US ARMY
purple heart medal. He flips the lid closed, “LIEUT. DONALD
FRANCIS DRAPER” in gold on the outside. He regards it a
moment and puts it back in the drawer. He then taps a
cigarette out, lights it and begins to exercise as he smokes.

SALVATORE ROMANO, transparently gay--although in 1960, no one
seems to know it--stands in the doorway with a hand on his
hip like Marlene Dietrich.

SALVATORE
Aw look at you, Gidget. Still
trying to fill out that bikini?

DON
It's worth a try.

Salvatore puts a couple of trace paper sketches on the desk.

SALVATORE
Without the medical claims all we
have is a white box with a red spot
on it.

He shows Don a sketch of a shirtless man in a hammock
smoking. The word above says, "Relax..." *

SALVATORE (CONT'D) *
My neighbor posed for this. *
Believe me, he always looks very
relaxed.
(giggles a little)
Of course, he doesn't smoke. I had
him hold a pencil.

DON
If I know these guys, you're better
off with a little sex appeal. Can
you give me a woman in a bathing
suit? Put your guy next to her?

SALVATORE
Oh, a sexy girl? I can do that.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 29.
23 CONTINUED: 23

DON *
Give you a chance to get a real
model.

SALVATORE
(too enthusiastic)
I love my work! Speaking of sexy
girls, are you going to Pete's
bachelor party?

DON
I'm not really big on those things.

SALVATORE *
Oh, tell me about it. It's so
embarrassing. If a girl's going to
shake it in my face, I want to be
alone so I can do something. *

Salvatore opens the desk drawer and takes out a bottle of *
whiskey and two glasses. *

SALVATORE (CONT'D) *
Should we drink before the meeting
or after? Or both? *

DON *
So that's it, huh? "Relax...",
that's all we have?

SALVATORE
Don't be short with me. You're the
writer. I thought it was worth a
try.

The intercom buzzes. Don hits the button.

PEGGY (V.O.)
Greta Guttman is here to see you.

DON
Send her in.

Sal drops a couple of Alka-Seltzer into a glass of whiskey. *

SALVATORE
Great. Now we have to hear from
our man in research.

Peggy opens the door and shows GRETA GUTTMAN, a fifty-ish
German national who embodies the sober world of research
right down to her bun hairstyle and clipboard.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 30.
23 CONTINUED: (2) 23

GRETA
Mr. Draper. Mr. Romano.

Her eyes follow Peggy as she leaves.

GRETA (CONT'D)
I see you have another attractive
young plaything.

DON
You can fight with Campbell over
her.

Salvatore spits his drink back into his glass, stifling a
laugh. *

GRETA
(amused) *
You both seem more relaxed than I *
expected. Do you have some kind of
surprise for the tobacco people?

DON
(re: cigarette)
I'm doing my own research.

GRETA
If you are planning to continue *
with medical testimony, you'll only
be inviting further government
interference. We must police
ourselves.

SALVATORE
Well there's your slogan.

DON
(to Greta)
The medical thing is dead, we all
understand that.

GRETA
Yes, dead. An apt choice of words.
Considering the public is convinced
that cigarettes are poisonous. If *
we can't insist that they're not, *
I believe my most recent surveys *
have provided a solution. *
(re report) *
We can still suggest that *
cigarettes are "part of American *
life," or “Too good to give up,” *
and most appealing "an assertion of *
independence".
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 31.
23 CONTINUED: (3) 23

DON
So basically if you love danger,
you'll love smoking?

SALVATORE
We could put a skull and crossbones
on the label! I love it!

GRETA
Before the war, when I studied with *
Adler in Vienna, we postulated that *
what Freud called "the Death Wish"
is as powerful a drive as those for
sexual reproduction and physical
sustenance.

DON *
Freud, you say-- which agency is he *
with? *

SALVATORE
So we're supposed to believe people
are living one way and secretly
thinking the exact opposite?
That's ridiculous.

DON
Let me tell you something, Miss
Guttman--

GRETA
Doctor.

DON
Dr. Guttman, psychology is terrific *
at a cocktail party, but it happens *
people were buying cigarettes
before Freud was born. The issue
isn't, "why should people smoke"--
it's why should people smoke "Lucky
Strike". Suggesting our customers
have a, what did you call it? A
"Death Wish"? Well, I just don't
see that on a billboard.

SALVATORE
It's all a big scare anyway. So
what if "Reader's Digest" says
they're dangerous? They also said
"Bambi" was the book of the
century. There's no proof, no
studies.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 32.
23 CONTINUED: (4) 23

GRETA
There's conclusive proof that none
of these low-tar, low-nicotine or
filtration systems have any effect
on the incidences of lung cancer.

DON
This isn't Germany. If you were
right, the government would shut
down the tobacco companies, not
just limit advertising. Just give
me the damn report.

GRETA
(hands it to him)
I think you'll find it very
convincing.

DON
I'm sure I will. You were the one
who dug up all our medical
testimonials to begin with.

GRETA
That's true, Mr. Draper, but-- *

Greta gives what passes for a smile.

DON *
Has anyone else seen this?

GRETA
No, of course not. It's your
account.

DON
Good. I don't want to hear about
it again. I'm sorry, but I find *
your whole approach perverse.

GRETA
I understand. Good luck at the
meeting.
(on exit)
I'm sure it will be a quick one.

Greta exits. Don throws the report into the wastebasket.

DON
Sal, I'll take that drink now.

FADE OUT.
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 33.

24 FADE IN: TITLE CARD "4:15PM" 24

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Don and Pete discuss Pete's upcoming wedding, meet with Rachel Mencken in the board room, tension rises as Rachel challenges Don's strategy, leading to an argument and Don storming out.

Strengths "Sarcastic banter between Don and Pete, tension in the meeting with Rachel, strong dialogue"

Weaknesses "Lack of significant character changes, limited emotional impact"

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the characters' personalities and the dynamics between them. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Scene description: The scene description is clear and concise for the most part. However, there are a few instances where the phrasing could be improved to make it more engaging and visually descriptive. For example, instead of saying "Don leans back in his chair eyes closed for a moment then slaps his face to alert himself," it could be written as "Don leans back in his chair, eyes closed in a moment of reflection. Suddenly, he jolts forward, slapping his own face to snap back into focus." This description adds more visual and emotional detail to the scene.

2. Dialogue: The dialogue overall is natural and reveals the characters' personalities well. However, there are a few instances where the dialogue could be tightened or made more concise. For example, when Salvatore says "Oh, tell me about it. It's so embarrassing. If a girl's going to shake it in my face, I want to be alone so I can do something," the second sentence could be removed to streamline the dialogue and make it punchier.

3. Characterization: The characterizations are strong, particularly for Don and Salvatore. Their banter and interactions reveal their personalities and conflicts effectively. However, Greta's character could be given more depth and nuance. She comes across as a one-dimensional adversary to Don and Salvatore, without much motivation or complexity. Adding more layers to her character could create more tension and depth in the scene.

4. Pacing: The scene flows well and the pacing is appropriate. However, some of the exchanges between characters could be tightened to maintain the momentum and keep the audience engaged. For example, the back-and-forth between Don and Greta could be condensed to eliminate repetition and keep the dialogue focused on the key points.

Overall, this scene effectively establishes the characters, their conflicts, and the overall tone of the story. With a few minor tweaks and adjustments, it could be even stronger and more engaging.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Develop the visual descriptions: Instead of simply stating that Don opens a desk drawer and pulls out a chest exerciser, describe the sound of the drawer opening and the way the exerciser gleams in the light. Add more sensory details to enhance the visual experience for the readers.

2. Clarify character actions: When Salvatore enters the office, describe his facial expressions and body language to show how he presents himself as Marlene Dietrich. This will help readers better visualize the character and add depth to his portrayal.

3. Add more conflict and tension: Create more conflict between Don and Salvatore by having them clash over their creative approaches. Show their differing perspectives on the cigarette campaign and make their debate more heated and intense. This will add more tension to the scene and make it more engaging.

4. Show rather than tell: Instead of having Greta tell Don about the conclusive proof of the effects of low-tar and low-nicotine cigarettes, show her presenting the evidence in a compelling way. For example, she could present a graph or a statistic that visually demonstrates the lack of impact of these products on lung cancer rates.

5. Show the character's emotions: Use more subtext and show the characters' true emotions beneath their words. For example, when Don throws the report into the wastebasket, describe the frustration and anger in his face and body language. This will add depth to the characters and make the scene more emotionally impactful.

6. Add more visual elements: Incorporate more visual elements to make the scene more visually interesting. For example, you could describe the colors and patterns of the office, the way the sunlight filters through the blinds, or the way smoke curls in the air as Don smokes his cigarette.

7. Consider the pacing: Evaluate the pacing of the scene and make sure it flows smoothly. Trim any unnecessary dialogue or actions to keep the scene concise and engaging. Additionally, consider adding shorter lines of dialogue or pauses to create rhythm and variation in the scene.

By implementing these suggestions, you can enhance the scene and make it more engaging and visually compelling for the readers.

Scene 13 - Finding a New Strategy

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

25 INT. STERLING COOPER BOARD ROOM - AFTERNOON 25

The large table in the board room is covered with ashtrays.
LEE GARNER JUNIOR, a forty-ish tobacco magnate, and his *
father, LEE GARNER SENIOR, sit flanked with other tobacco *
executives. Across the table, Roger, Don, and Pete listen
patiently to LEE GARNER Sr.'s lilting southern anger. *

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
I just don't know what we have to
do to make these government
interlopers happy. They tell us to
build a safer cigarette, and we do
it. Then suddenly, that's not good
enough.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
We might as well be living in
Russia.

He coughs. Suddenly, a round of spontaneous coughing begins
among all of the people in the board room. It dies down.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
Damn straight. You know this
morning, I got a call from my
competitors at Brown & Williamson,
and they're getting sued by the
federal government because of the
health claims they made.

ROGER
We're aware of that, Mr. Garner. *
But you have to realize that
through manipulation of the mass
media, the public is under the
impression that your cigarettes are
linked to... certain fatal
diseases.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
Manipulation of the media? That's
what I hired you for. Our product
is fine. I smoke them myself.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
My Granddad smoked them. He died
at 95 years old. He was hit by a
truck.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 34.
25 CONTINUED: 25

ROGER
I understand, but our hands are
tied. We are no longer allowed to
advertise that "Lucky Strikes" are
safe.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
So what the hell are we going to
do? We already funded our own
tobacco research center to put this
whole rumor to rest.

ROGER
And that's a great start. But it
may not affect sales. Don, I think
that's your cue.

Don opens up a folder, it's filled with blank pages. He
pretends to shuffle the pages around, stalling.

DON
Well, I... I've really thought
about this. And hell, you know I'm
a "Lucky Strike" man from way
back...

From Don's POV, we see the anxious stares of all those at the
table. In slow motion, cigarettes are being lit and men are
exhaling. A bead of sweat forms on Don's brow. His heart is
pounding in his ears. Suddenly, the silence is broken by
Pete's voice.

PETE
I might have a solution.

Don does not seem relieved as Pete takes the stage. Roger
catches Don's eye, but Don looks away.

PETE (CONT'D)
At Sterling Cooper, we've been
pioneering the burgeoning the field
of research. And our analysis
shows that the health risks
associated with your products is
not the end of the world.

As the executives look at each other curiously, Don sees Pete
is reading from Greta's report.

PETE (CONT'D)
People get in their cars everyday
to go to work, and some of them
die. Cars are dangerous. There's
nothing you can do about it.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 35.
25 CONTINUED: (2) 25
PETE (CONT'D)
You still have to get where you're
going. Cigarettes are exactly the
same. Why don't we simply say, "So
what if cigarettes are dangerous?"
You're a man. The world is
dangerous. Smoke your cigarette--
You still have to get where you're
going.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
That's very interesting.
(then)
I mean, if cigarettes were
dangerous, that would be
interesting.

Roger looks around nervously to see if they're going to bite.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
Except they aren't. Is that your
slogan? "You're going to die
anyway. Die with us."?

PETE
Actually, it's a fairly well
established psychological principal
that society has a "Death Wish".
And if we could tap into that, the
market potential--

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
What the hell are you talking
about? Why not just write "cancer"
on the package? Are you insane?
I'm not selling rifles. I'm in the
tobacco business-- I'm selling
America. The Indians gave it to us
for shit's sake.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
Come on, Dad. Let's get out of
here.

They stand up.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR (CONT'D) *
(he helps his father up)
The bright spot is, at least we
know that if we have this problem,
everybody has this problem.

Don's ears perk up at this last comment. He lets it sink in.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 36.
25 CONTINUED: (3) 25

DON
Gentlemen, before you leave, can I
say something?

ROGER
(pointed)
I don't know. Can you, Don?

DON
The Federal Trade Commission and
"Reader's Digest" have done you a
favor. They've let you know that
any ad that brings up the concept
of health and cigarettes together,
well, it just makes people think of
cancer.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
(sarcastic)
Yes, and we're grateful to them.

DON
But, what Lee Junior said is right. *
If you can't make health claims,
neither can your competitors.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
Great, so we got a lot of people
not saying anything that sells
cigarettes.

DON
Not exactly. This is the greatest
advertising opportunity since the
invention of cereal. We have six
identical companies with six
identical products... We can say
anything we want.

The men sit down, interested. Don walks over to a black
board.

DON (CONT'D)
How do you make your cigarettes?

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
I don't know.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
(to his son)
Shame on you.
(to Don)
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 37.
25 CONTINUED: (4) 25
LEE GARNER SENIOR (CONT'D)
We breed insect-resistant tobacco
seeds, plant ‘em in the North *
Carolina sunshine, grow it, cut it, *
cure it, toast it, treat it--

DON
There you go.

Don writes on the board: "Lucky Strike - It's 'Toasted'."
The men all look at it, not sure how to react.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
But everybody else's tobacco is
toasted.

DON
No. Everybody else's tobacco is
poisonous. "Lucky Strike" is
toasted.

Roger's face lights with a slow smile of pride and awe.

ROGER
Gentlemen, I don't have to tell you
what you've just witnessed here.

LEE GARNER JUNIOR *
I think you do.

Don gathers his thoughts and lowers his voice.

DON
Advertising is based on one thing:
happiness. And you know what
happiness is?

Don looks out the window into the setting sun, almost lost.

DON (CONT'D)
Happiness is the smell of a new
car... It's freedom from fear.
It's a billboard on the side of the
road that screams with reassurance
that whatever you're doing is okay.
(almost to himself)
You are okay.

The tobacco people look at each other with understanding and
relief.

LEE GARNER SENIOR *
(quietly impressed)
"It's 'Toasted'." I get it.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 38.
25 CONTINUED: (5) 25

Don underlines the slogan with the chalk. As he turns and
looks over at Pete's disappointed face, he smiles and taps
out a cigarette.

Genres: "Drama"

Summary Don, Roger, Pete, and the tobacco executives discuss the challenges of advertising cigarettes in the face of health concerns. Pete proposes a new angle by emphasizing the dangers of everyday life and the idea of 'Death Wish'. Don further develops this concept by introducing the slogan 'Lucky Strike - It's Toasted'. The executives are intrigued and impressed by the idea.

Strengths "Powerful and persuasive dialogue, tension and conflict in the meeting, Pete's innovative idea, Don's charismatic presentation"

Weaknesses "Lack of significant character development or emotional depth"

Critique The scene is well-written and effectively sets up the conflict between the tobacco executives and Sterling Cooper. The dialogue is realistic and engaging, with each character having a distinct voice. There is tension and suspense throughout the scene, especially when Don hesitates before Pete comes up with a solution.

One suggestion for improvement would be to provide clearer descriptions of the characters' actions and reactions. For example, it would be helpful to describe the body language and facial expressions of the characters during key moments, such as when Roger catches Don's eye or when the tobacco people look at each other with understanding and relief.

Additionally, it would be beneficial to provide more visual and sensory descriptions to help paint a clearer picture of the scene. For example, describing the smoke-filled room and the sound of coughing could add to the atmosphere and enhance the reader's experience.

Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging but could benefit from more detailed descriptions to bring it to life.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. However, here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the characters: Make sure to introduce the characters with clear descriptors so that the readers can easily picture them. For example, instead of just saying "Roger, Don, and Pete," you can add a short description of their physical appearances or personalities.

2. Show the emotions: The emotions and reactions of the characters in the scene can be highlighted more effectively. You can add more action lines to describe their body language, facial expressions, and reactions to what others are saying.

3. Pace the dialogue: There are a few instances where the dialogue feels slightly rushed. One example is when Lee Garner Jr. says, "We might as well be living in Russia." Consider breaking up the dialogue with some pauses or actions to create a more natural flow.

4. Develop the conflict: The conflict between the tobacco executives and the advertising team can be heightened. Create more tension by adding more pushback from Lee Garner Sr. and Jr. towards the advertising team's suggestions.

5. Make the solution more impactful: The solution suggested by Pete could be developed further to make it more impactful and convincing. Consider adding more concrete evidence or examples to support his argument.

6. Utilize visuals: Screenwriting is a visual medium, so try to incorporate more visual elements into the scene. Consider adding visual cues, such as reactions, gestures, or specific locations, to enhance the storytelling.

Overall, these suggestions aim to improve the clarity, emotional depth, and visual impact of the scene. Implementing these changes will help engage the readers and make the scene more compelling on screen.

Scene 14 - Don's Frustration

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

26 INT. DON DRAPER'S OFFICE - LATER 26

Roger stands at the bar, fixing drinks. Don sits at his desk
with his feet up, smoking a cigar.

ROGER
You had me worried. I don't know
if you were drunk or not drunk, but
that was inspired.

He hands Don a drink. As he does, Don notices that Greta's
report is no longer in the waste basket.

DON
For the record, I pulled it out of
thin air.
(he looks up)
Thank you, up there.

ROGER
You're looking the wrong way.
(Don laughs)
So, while I’ve got you in the *
afterglow here, what do you say you *
reconsider this presidential *
campaign? *

DON
I don’t know, bunting and babies,
that’s hard work-- I’d just make a
hash of it.

ROGER
Modesty, that’s adorable. I expect *
significant billings on this thing. *
Country houses for all of us. And *
if that doesn’t make you patriotic,
think about the product: he’s
young, handsome, beautiful wife,
Navy Hero, honestly Don, it
shouldn’t be hard to convince
America Dick Nixon is a winner.

The intercom buzzes.

PEGGY (V.O.)
Mr. Draper? You have visitors.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 38A.
26 CONTINUED: 26

DON
Honey, could you be a little more
specific?

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 39.
26 CONTINUED: (2) 26

Ken, Dick, and Harry bust through the door with Pete in tow.

KEN
We heard you saved the day.

He slams down a bottle of "Canadian Club". Don looks at it.

DON
Thanks, boys. I appreciate it.

PETE
(sucking up)
I told them how amazing you were.
I'm still tingling.

The guys start fixing themselves drinks.

ROGER
Well it looks like you're all about
to engage in a little mid-level
camaraderie, so I'll be on my way.
And Don, thanks for the home run.

DON
I love to come through.

ROGER
(quietly)
Speaking of that, any way you can
patch things up with Rachel
Mencken? Any chance you could be *
as charming as I said you were?

DON
Haven't you had enough of my magic
for one day?

ROGER
She's worth two million dollars.

DON
You're a whore.

Roger salutes and exits. Don hits the intercom.

HARRY
Can she get us some more ice? *

PEGGY (V.O.)
Yes, Mr. Draper?

DON
(to intercom)
Just a minute.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 40.
26 CONTINUED: (3) 26
DON (CONT'D)
(then to them)
I think this party needs to move
elsewhere.

DICK
We'll move wherever you want, but
it's five fifteen, the bachelor
party's underway.

DON
I don't know--

PETE
Aw, come on, Don. All hands on
deck.

KEN
Aren't you going to help us give
Pete his big send-off?

DON
(pointed to Pete)
Maybe some other time.

PETE
Come on, guys.

He puts down a card of the strip club.

PETE (CONT'D)
Don will join us later, right Don?

Pete holds open the door as the guys file out. Don looks
Pete in the eye.

DON
If Greta's research was any good, I
would have used it.

PETE
What are you talking about?

DON
I'm saying I had a report just like
that, and it's not like there's
some magic machine that makes
identical copies of things.

PETE
I still think she's right.

Peggy stands in the doorway.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 41.
26 CONTINUED: (4) 26

DON
Have a great night, Pete.
Congratulations.

He shakes Pete's hand. Pete simmers and walks away. Don
goes back to his desk and looks through his notes. Peggy
stands next to him.

PEGGY
I heard you were amazing in the
meeting.

DON
Fear really stimulates my
imagination.

PEGGY
I just wanted to thank you for a
great first day. And for, you
know, standing up for me with Mr.
Campbell.

She puts her hand on top of his.

DON
First of all, Peggy, I'm your boss,
not your boyfriend.
(removing her hand)
And second of all, you let Pete
Campbell go through my trash again,
and you won't be able to get a job
selling sandwiches at Penn Station.

PEGGY
(eyes welling)
He said he left his fountain pen in
here, I didn't know... I hope you
don't think I'm the kind of girl--

DON
Of course not... Now go home, put
your curlers in, and let's start
fresh again tomorrow.

Peggy starts to head out.

DON (CONT'D)
Oh, and Peggy, I need you to place
a call.
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 42.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Strengths "Strong conflict and tension, well-developed characters, realistic dialogue"

Weaknesses "Lack of character development and emotional impact"

Critique The scene is well-written and effectively establishes the dynamic between the characters. The dialogue feels natural and flows smoothly. The interactions between Roger and Don show their respective personalities and their playful banter adds depth to their relationship.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. Firstly, the action lines could be more descriptive to create a clearer picture of the setting and characters' movements. For example, instead of just mentioning that Roger stands at the bar, fixing drinks, the description could include details about his body language or expressions to enhance the visual aspect of the scene.

Additionally, the pacing of the dialogue could be tightened in some parts to maintain engagement. For instance, the back-and-forth between Roger and Don about the presidential campaign could be more concise and impactful if some of the repetition or unnecessary lines were trimmed.

Lastly, the conflict between Don and Pete at the end of the scene feels slightly rushed. It would be beneficial to build up the tension and resentment between the two characters throughout the episode to make their confrontation more powerful and satisfying.

Overall, the scene effectively showcases the characters' dynamics and advances the plot. With some minor adjustments to the action lines and dialogue pacing, it can become even more engaging.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more action and movement to the scene. Currently, the characters are mostly just standing or sitting. You can have them move around the room, pick up objects, or interact with their surroundings to make the scene more visually interesting.

2. Develop the characters' emotions and reactions further. Expand on their expressions, body language, and reactions to each other's dialogue. This will help to deepen the audience's connection with the characters and make the scene more engaging.

3. Consider adding more dialogue subtext. In the current scene, much of the dialogue is straightforward and lacks subtext. You can add layers to the conversation by having the characters imply things, use double entendre, or have hidden agendas. This will create tension and intrigue in the scene.

4. Show the characters' relationships through their interactions. This scene involves multiple characters, so it's important to show how they relate to each other. You can do this through their dialogue, body language, and reactions to each other. This will help to establish their dynamics and enhance the audience's understanding of their relationships.

5. Consider breaking up the scene into smaller beats. The scene currently feels quite long and may benefit from being divided into smaller beats or moments. This will allow for more dynamic pacing and help to keep the audience's attention throughout the scene.

6. Explore the setting further. The scene takes place in Don Draper's office, so you can emphasize the specific details of the space to add depth and visual interest. Include descriptions of the room, objects on the desk, and other elements that can enhance the audience's understanding of the characters and their environment.

These suggestions aim to make the scene more dynamic, engaging, and visually interesting. Remember to consider the overall tone and themes of the script and adjust the scene accordingly.

Scene 15 - Tension at the Boardroom

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 6
Dialogue: 7

27 INT. THE SLIPPER ROOM 27

Live jazz sizzles in the background. A buxom blonde STRIPPER
is onstage. She unzips her dress in the back and slowly
shakes it to the floor.

Through the smoke-filled air we see Ken, Dick, Harry,
Salvatore, and Pete sitting at a corner booth. They are
drinking and laughing, but Pete is in no mood to participate.

Ken hands a scantily clad WAITRESS ten dollars.

KEN
(to waitress)
I want to see you here every
fifteen minutes, whether you have
drinks or not.

As she puts the drinks down, she shows them her cleavage.

HARRY
Every five minutes.

The waitress smiles and crosses off. They all watch her.

DICK
Let's live here.

SALVATORE
(to Pete)
You better do more than look,
tonight.

PETE
You have a girlfriend, Salvatore?

SALVATORE
(proud)
Come on, I'm Italian.

Just then, three beautiful young women in cocktail dresses
and pearls approach the table. WANDA, a brunette with too
much hairspray, sits down next to Pete.

WANDA
Is there some kind of party here?

Pete turns to Ken.

PETE
You shouldn't have.

Pete turns to Ken as the women chat with Salvatore.
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 43.
27 CONTINUED: 27

KEN
Hey, how many times are you going
to get married?

PETE
(looking them over)
How did you swing it?

KEN
They work at the Automat.

DICK
(laughing)
He pressed a button, and they came
out.

The girls squeeze into the booth. CLEO, a red-head with fake
eyelashes, puts her arm around Salvatore and holds a
cigarette to her lips. Salvatore lights it.

CLEO
I hope we're not interrupting
anything.

HARRY
Definitely not.

CAMILLE, a platinum blonde in a Chinese dress squeezes in
between Ken and Harry.

CAMILLE
Well I have the best seat. What
are we drinking?

KEN
More of whatever's making you the
way you are.

CLEO
(to Salvatore)
I love this place. It's hot, loud,
and filled with men.

SALVATORE
(looking around)
I know what you mean.

Cleo looks at Salvatore curiously.

Wanda leans over and grabs Pete's hand with the drink in it
and pulls it to her lips. She takes a sip, then reacts like
a little girl.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 44.
27 CONTINUED: (2) 27

WANDA
(giggling)
Oh my god, I can already feel it.

PETE
I have a feeling you're like this
all the time.

WANDA
I like to laugh.

PETE
(leaning in to her)
Is that right?

We see his hand reach under the table to her knee. He
tickles her a little. She squirms and giggles.

WANDA
(playful)
Now, you stop that.

PETE
You said you like to laugh.

He tickles her again. She throws her head back, laughing
louder.

WANDA
(warning)
I mean it. It's too--

PETE
Too delicious?

We see his hand slide up under her dress. A look of shock
goes over Wanda's face. She stops laughing and instinctively
brusquely pushes him away.

WANDA
Hey! I said stop it. What are you
doing?

PETE
You know exactly.

Wanda stands and picks up her purse.

WANDA
You know what girls, I think we
should go.

PETE
Oh, come on.
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 45.
27 CONTINUED: (3) 27

Pete grabs her arm. She tries to move.

WANDA
(under her breath)
You're hurting me.

PETE
(letting go)
I'll be good.

Wanda rubs her arm and sits down on the other side of the
table. The waitress comes over. Pete throws some money.

PETE (CONT'D)
Get the girls whatever they want.

Wanda stares at Pete and then links arms with Dick.

WANDA
(to Dick)
So what do you fellows do?

HARRY *
You're looking at the finest ad-men
in New York. Hell, the world.

As Wanda throws her head back laughing, we see Pete sullenly
staring off at the stripper. Her bra explodes off of her,
revealing two sequined pasties on her gigantic breasts. As
the applause begins, the spot light blacks out.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Don and Pete discuss Pete's upcoming wedding and meet with Rachel Mencken in the boardroom. Tension rises as Rachel challenges Don's strategy, leading to an argument and Don storming out.

Strengths "The scene effectively builds tension and conflict between the characters. The dialogue is strong and helps to move the plot forward."

Weaknesses "Some of the character's actions and motivations may be unclear."

Critique Overall, this scene effectively sets up the atmosphere of The Slipper Room and establishes the characters and their dynamics. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Lack of clear character descriptions: While some characters are described, others are introduced without any physical or personality descriptions. It would be beneficial to provide visual descriptions for each character to enhance the reader's understanding and visualization of the scene.

2. Dialogue clarity: Some of the dialogue exchanges could be clearer and more impactful. For example, Pete's comment "You shouldn't have" is not clearly directed at anyone and may confuse readers. Adding a character's name to clarify the direction of the comment would improve the flow of the dialogue.

3. Lack of character depth: While the dialogue helps establish the characters' personalities, there is room for more development. Adding more moments of vulnerability or showcasing their individual motivations and conflicts can deepen the audience's engagement with the characters.

4. Lack of visual cues: The scene could benefit from more visual cues, such as character gestures, facial expressions, or environmental descriptions. These details help create a more vivid and immersive experience for the readers and enhance the overall impact of the scene.

5. Objectification of women: The scene contains objectifying descriptions of women, such as the buxom blonde stripper and the waiter showing her cleavage. As a screenwriter, it's important to be aware of the messages portrayed in the scene and consider whether they align with your intended themes and values.

Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to be setting up a lively and somewhat flirtatious atmosphere in the Slipper Room. However, there are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the characters: Provide a brief introduction or description of each character when they are first mentioned. This will help the reader keep track of who is who and make the dialogue easier to follow.

2. Develop the characters: Give each character a distinct personality and voice. This will make the scene more engaging and ensure that each character feels like an individual rather than just a generic presence in the scene.

3. Tighten the dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and could be more subtle. Aim to convey the same information or subtext through actions or subtext rather than stating it directly.

4. Show, don't tell: Instead of telling the reader that the blonde stripper's bra explodes off, show it happening in the action lines. This will create a more visual and engaging scene for the reader.

5. Consider pacing: While it's important to establish the atmosphere and characters in the scene, consider if any parts of the dialogue or action can be trimmed or condensed to keep the scene moving at a good pace.

By implementing these suggestions, the scene can become more dynamic and engaging for the reader, which will in turn enhance the overall script.

Scene 16 - A Spirited Debate

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

28 INT. ZEBRA LOUNGE - LATER 28 *

A white-coated OLD WAITER weaves through the more formal,
lounge room of the bar, as well-dressed couples have intimate
drinks by candlelight. He arrives at a booth where Don and
Rachel sit across from each other.

OLD WAITER
For the lady, a special mai-tai.

He puts down a large fruit and umbrella covered glass.

OLD WAITER (CONT'D)
And one whiskey, neat.

Rachel takes a sip through a long straw. She is stunning,
her diamond earrings sparkling in the darkness.

RACHEL
So you're going to ply me with
drinks and convince me what a
terrible mistake I'm making?
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 46.
28 CONTINUED: 28

DON
That is quite a drink.

RACHEL
You got in trouble, didn't you?

DON
I shouldn't have lost my temper,
and I certainly shouldn't have
treated you like anything less than
a client.

RACHEL
Apology accepted.

Don smiles and offers her a cigarette. She takes one.

DON
So you understand.

RACHEL
Now I do. It was refreshing
really, I mean, actually hearing
all the things I always assumed
people were thinking.

DON
I'm really not as bad as all that.
I was under a lot of pressure.
Another account. It doesn't really
matter.

RACHEL
No, it doesn't.

DON
So without making things worse, can
I ask you a personal question?

RACHEL
Don't you want to get a second
drink in me first?

DON
Why aren't you married?

RACHEL
Are you asking what's wrong with
me?

DON
It's just you're a beautiful,
educated woman.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 47.
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
DON (CONT'D)
Don't you think getting married and
having a family would make you a
lot happier than all the headaches
that go with fighting people like
me?

RACHEL
If I weren't a woman, I would be
allowed to ask you the same
question. And I suppose if I
weren't a woman I wouldn't have to
choose between putting on an apron
and the thrill of making my
father's store what I always
thought it should be.

DON
So that's it? You won't get
married because you think business
is a thrill?

RACHEL
(smiling)
That, and I have never been in
love.

DON
"She won't get married because
she's never been in love." I think
I wrote that. It was to sell
nylons.

RACHEL
For a lot of people, love isn't
just a slogan.

DON
Oh, "love". You mean the big
lightning bolt to the heart, where
you can't eat, can't work, so you
run off and get married and make
babies.

He looks at Rachel and smiles. She doesn't smile back.

DON (CONT'D)
The reason you haven't felt it is
because it doesn't exist. What you
call "love" was invented by guys
like me to sell nylons.

RACHEL
Is that right?

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 48.
28 CONTINUED: (3) 28

DON
I'm pretty sure about it. You're
born alone, you die alone, and this
world just drops a bunch of rules
on top of you to make you forget
those facts. But I never forget.
(finishing drink)
I'm living like there's no
tomorrow, because there isn't one.

Rachel just stares at him with a long, forgiving look.

RACHEL
I don't think I realized it until
this moment, but it must be hard
being a man, too.

DON
Excuse me?

RACHEL
Mr. Draper--

He corrects her.

DON
Don.

RACHEL
Mr. Draper, I don't know what it is
you really believe in, but I know
what it feels like to be out of
place. To be disconnected. To see
the world laid out in front of you
the way other people live it. And
there is something about you that
tells me you know it too.

Don nervously reaches for another cigarette and lights it.

DON
I don't know if that's true.
(then)
You want another drink?

RACHEL
No. But you can tell your boss
that you charmed me.

She stands up and turns her back to Don. He helps her on
with her coat.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 49.
28 CONTINUED: (4) 28

DON
So I guess we'll be seeing each
other again.

RACHEL
I'll be back in the office Monday
morning for a real meeting.

She turns to face him. They are very close. Don looks at
her. She is luminous.

DON
I'd like that.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don and Rachel meet at a lounge to discuss their previous heated argument. They engage in a deep conversation about love, loneliness, and the meaning of life. Don expresses his cynical views on love and reveals that he lives his life as if there is no tomorrow. Rachel empathizes with Don's feelings of being out of place and disconnected. The scene ends with them acknowledging a mutual connection and the possibility of seeing each other again.

Strengths "Strong dialogue and character development, exploration of deeper themes"

Weaknesses "Lack of plot progression, some may find the cynicism off-putting or unrealistic"

Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the setting and the dynamic between the two characters. The dialogue feels natural and realistic, showcasing the chemistry and tension between Don and Rachel.

The descriptions are effective in visualizing the scene, such as the candlelight, the large fruit and umbrella covered glass, and Rachel's diamond earrings sparkling in the darkness. These details help create a rich atmosphere and immerse the reader in the scene.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. For example, some of the dialogue exchanges feel a bit long and could benefit from being trimmed down or broken up with action or reaction lines. This would help to create a better pacing and prevent the dialogue from becoming too repetitive or monotonous.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more subtext and subplots to add depth and complexity to the characters and their relationship. For instance, exploring the power dynamics between Don and Rachel or hinting at their personal motivations and desires could make the scene more intriguing and engaging.

Overall, this scene sets up an interesting dynamic and leaves the reader wanting to know more about Don and Rachel. With some minor adjustments and additions, it could be a strong and compelling scene.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the setting: Add a brief description of the Zebra Lounge to help the readers visualize it more clearly. Include details about the ambiance, decor, and lighting to set the mood.

2. Show the characters' emotions: Use more sensory details to describe the characters' reactions and emotions. For example, instead of just mentioning that Rachel is stunning, describe her expressions, body language, and any nervous gestures that she might have.

3. Break up the dialogue with action: Insert some action beats between lines of dialogue to break up the conversation and make the scene more visually interesting. This could include gestures, reactions, or small movements that indicate the characters' emotions.

4. Deepen the conversation: Expand on the characters' thoughts and feelings about marriage and love. Allow them to have a more nuanced and complex discussion on these topics, rather than just stating their opinions. This will add depth to their characters and make the conversation more engaging for the audience.

5. Strengthen the ending: Create a more impactful and memorable ending to the scene. Consider adding a final line of dialogue or action that leaves the audience with a lingering impression of the characters and their connection.

6. Fine-tune the pacing: Review the length of the dialogue and make sure it flows smoothly. Trim any unnecessary lines or repetitions to keep the scene concise and engaging.

By incorporating these suggestions, you can enhance the scene and make it more compelling for both readers and viewers.

Scene 17 - Late Night Encounter

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

29 INT. PEGGY’S APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - NIGHT 29

Pete in his top coat stands in front of an apartment door,
leaning his head against the wall. He is obviously drunk and
knocks on the door.

A young woman, MARJORIE, in a pink housecoat opens the door,
holding a toothbrush.

MARJORIE
We're not buying anything.

PETE
Actually, for the first time today,
I'm not selling anything. Does
Peggy live here?

MARJORIE
Do you know that it's nine-thirty?

PETE
(re: watch)
Actually it's nine-fifteen. Is
Peggy in?

MARJORIE
Hold on.

She closes the door. She opens it again. Peggy comes to the
door in a white bathrobe and slippers.

MARJORIE (CONT'D)
Do you know him?

PEGGY
It's okay, Marjorie. We work
together.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 50.
29 CONTINUED: 29

MARJORIE
(under her breath)
He's really drunk.

PEGGY
It's okay, Marjorie.

Marjorie gives a stare and walks back. Peggy closes the door
behind her and stands in the hallway with Pete.

PETE
So what are you up to?

Peggy smiles.

PEGGY
Nothing. Sitting in my room
listening to records. Getting
ready for bed. Another big day
tomorrow.

PETE
I'm getting married on Sunday.

PEGGY
I heard that.

PETE
You must think I'm a creep.

PEGGY
(firmly)
Why are you here?

Pete looks down and takes a step toward her. He leans in
very close to her. His lips are almost on her forehead. He
talks over her head.

PETE
I wanted to see you tonight.

PEGGY
(without moving)
Me?

PETE
(whispers)
I had to see you.

Peggy's hand turns the door knob. She opens the door.

PEGGY
Marjorie?

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 51.
29 CONTINUED: (2) 29

MARJORIE (O.S.)
Yeah, Peg?

PEGGY
I'm going to bed now.

Peggy takes Pete's hand and leads him into the apartment.
The door closes and fills the frame.

30 EXT. COMMUTER TRAIN - NIGHT 30

The silver blur of train cars passes. We follow up a window
where Don sits nursing a drink, reading the paper.

31 EXT. SUBURBAN TRAIN STATION - LATER 31 *

Don and a few other trench coated hat wearing businessmen *
exit the station and run in the light drizzle to the parking
lot.

32 EXT. DRAPER HOUSE 32

The car pulls in. Door opens, Don heads to the front door. *
He fumbles with his keys and puts them into the brightly
painted red door.

33 INT. DRAPER FOYER 33

In the dimly lit entryway, Don shakes off the rain and climbs
the stairs to a bedroom door.

34 INT. DON AND BETTY’S BEDROOM 34

Suddenly we are close on a woman's hand as it turns the
switch on the end table lamp. We pull back and reveal BETTY,
29, and beautiful despite having just awakened.

BETTY
I called the office and they'd said
you'd left.

Don comes over and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

DON
I didn't want to bother you.

(CONTINUED)
Pilot Episode “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Pink 4/20/06 52.
34 CONTINUED: 34

BETTY
It's no bother, I just assumed you
were staying in the city again.
There's a plate in the oven.

She helps him take off his tie and opens his shirt. He
smiles at her and gives her a deep kiss.

BETTY (CONT'D)
(smiling)
Unless you're not hungry--

DON
I'm not.
(standing)
I'll be right back. Don't move.

35 INT. DRAPER’S CHILDREN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 35

We watch Don's feet, now in slippers, cross the floor. He
eases onto the side of the bed. His hand reaches out to
gently stroke a shock of gold hair. We pull out to reveal he
is sitting between the twin beds containing Robert and Sally,
his two children.

Don has a hand on each of their heads as they sleep. He
looks up to the doorway where Betty now leans in her
peignoir, smiling at the scene of domestic bliss. Don looks
away to the window. We follow his gaze as we,

DISSOLVE TO:

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don and Rachel have a deep conversation about love and life after their heated argument. They find a mutual connection and potential for a future meeting.

Strengths "Strong emotional impact, compelling dialogue, character development"

Weaknesses "Limited plot development, moderate conflict"

Critique Overall, the scene is effectively written with clear action and dialogue. It sets up the situation and characters well and establishes the relationship between Peggy and Pete. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Description: The description of Pete as "obviously drunk" could be shown more effectively through his actions and dialogue instead of being stated outright. Showing him stumbling or slurring his words would give a better sense of his intoxication.

2. Dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtext. For example, when Pete says, "I'm getting married on Sunday," it feels a bit too explicit and could be conveyed through subtler dialogue or actions.

3. Pacing: The pacing of the scene could be tightened to maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged. Some of the dialogue exchanges could be shortened or condensed to move the scene along more quickly.

4. Visuals: There are a few missed opportunities for visual storytelling in the scene. For example, when Peggy leads Pete into the apartment and the door closes, it could be emphasized visually to signify the start of a secretive or hidden relationship.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the characters and their dynamic, but could benefit from some improvements in description, dialogue, pacing, and visuals to enhance its impact.

Suggestions The scene is well-written, but here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Add more visual descriptions: The scene lacks visual descriptions, which can help the reader visualize the setting and characters better. For example, you can describe the hallway as dimly lit with worn-out carpet, or describe the characters' appearances in more detail.

2. Clarify character motivations: It's not clear why Peggy lets Pete inside the apartment despite him being drunk. Adding a line or two to show her motivation can help the audience understand her actions better.

3. Show, don't tell: Instead of stating that Peggy is listening to records and getting ready for bed, show her in action. Show her holding a record or putting on pajamas. This will make the scene more engaging and visually interesting.

4. Provide more context: It's unclear why Pete wanted to see Peggy specifically that night. Adding a line or two to provide context or backstory can help clarify their relationship and Pete's intentions.

5. Consider adding more subtext: To add depth to the scene, consider adding some subtext or underlying tension between the characters. This can be done through their dialogue or actions, and can add layers to their interactions.

Overall, the scene has a good structure and tension between the characters. Adding more visual descriptions, clarifying character motivations, and adding subtext can help enhance the scene and make it more compelling.

Scene 18 - Connection in Conflict

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

36 EXT. IDYLLIC TWO-STORY COLONIAL HOUSE 36

We pull back from the dimly lit window. The rain has
stopped. Another car pulls in next door. A man gets out and *
heads in. Houses stretch in the distance. *

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Don and Rachel have a deep conversation about love and life after their heated argument. They find a mutual connection and potential for a future meeting.

Strengths "Strong emotional impact, complex character development, thought-provoking dialogue"

Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot advancement"

Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would provide the following critique for the scene:

- Overall, the scene description is concise and effectively sets the location and atmosphere of the scene. However, it could benefit from more specific details to enhance visualization and engage the reader's senses.

- The use of "we pull back" implies a camera movement, which is not necessary in a script. It's preferable to describe the scene from a neutral observer's perspective.

- It would be helpful to include a brief description of the car that pulls in next door, such as its make or color, to add visual interest and specificity.

- The phrase "A man gets out and heads in" is quite vague. It would be more engaging to provide a brief description of the man's appearance or actions to reveal something meaningful about his character or attitude.

- Describing the houses stretching in the distance provides a visual context but lacks purpose, and it may not be necessary unless it directly impacts the story or the mood being conveyed.

- The transition "FADE OUT" is appropriate if it marks the end of the episode, but if it is meant to transition to another scene or a commercial break, a different transition may be more appropriate.

- The inclusion of "END OF SHOW" is unnecessary as it is typically reserved for final script pages and not individual episodes within a series.

Overall, while the scene effectively establishes the location and atmosphere, adding more specific details and potentially enhancing character description would make it more compelling.

Suggestions As an AI, I can provide some suggestions to improve the scene. Here are a few:

1. Add more specific visual details: Instead of simply describing the house as an "idyllic two-story colonial house," consider including specific details that help set the mood and create a vivid image in the reader's mind. For example, you could mention the neatly manicured lawn, a white picket fence, or a charming porch with rocking chairs.

2. Develop the character interaction: In the current scene, a man gets out of a car and heads into a house next door. To add more depth, consider introducing a brief interaction between the characters. It could be a neighbor offering a friendly greeting, or a family member welcoming the man home. This interaction can reveal more about the characters, their relationships, or the overall tone of the story.

3. Include a brief dialogue or action to create intrigue: The scene as described doesn't provide much information or create a sense of curiosity or anticipation for the audience. Try adding a brief line of dialogue or action to create intrigue and leave the reader wanting to know more. For example, the man could say something mysterious as he exits the car, or he could carry a suspicious-looking package.

4. Consider adding a thematic element: Since this is the final scene in the script, it could be an opportunity to tie back to a theme or motif present throughout the story. Think about what message or emotion you want to leave the audience with and try incorporating it into the scene. It could be a visual symbol, a poignant line of dialogue, or a significant action that brings the story full circle.

Remember, these suggestions are meant to enhance the scene, but ultimately, it's important to stay true to your overall vision for the story and what you want to convey to the audience.