Everything Everywhere All at Once

Executive Summary

Poster
Overview

Genres: Drama, Comedy, Action, Romance, Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Thriller, Family

Setting: Contemporary, Various universes and the IRS building

Themes: Reality and Perception, Identity and Self-Reflection, Love and Relationships, Choice and Consequence, Perseverance and Resilience

Conflict and Stakes: The conflict arises from the tension between different universes and the threat posed by Jobu. The stakes are high as Jackie tries to save his daughter and navigate the complexities of the multiverse.

Overall Mood: Tense and surreal

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

Standout Features:

  • Reality Manipulation: The ability to manipulate reality adds a unique twist to the story
  • Multiverse Exploration: The exploration of different universes and their interconnectedness is a standout feature
  • Surreal Visuals: The visual elements, such as flying pigs and reality transformations, create a visually stunning experience

Comparable Scripts:

  • Inception
  • The Matrix
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Stranger Things
  • Doctor Strange
  • The Adjustment Bureau
  • The Truman Show
  • Cloud Atlas
  • Mr. Nobody
  • The Butterfly Effect

Writing Style:

The writing style of the entire screenplay is characterized by a blend of humor, philosophical exploration, and unconventional storytelling techniques. It often delves into existential themes, challenges the protagonist's beliefs and worldview, and incorporates elements of fantasy and surrealism.

Style Similarities:

  • Charlie Kaufman
  • Christopher Nolan
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Consider


Explanation: The screenplay has a unique concept with the exploration of multiple universes and the concept of verse jumping. The scenes effectively set up conflicts and develop character arcs, with notable emotional moments and themes of identity and morality. However, there are areas that require further development and clarification, such as providing more information about the great evil and establishing the stakes of the multiverse. The transitions between universes and the emotional impact of certain events could be smoother. Overall, the screenplay has potential but would benefit from further refinement and exploration of its themes and narrative elements.


USP: This script offers a unique and innovative exploration of quantum physics, multiple universes, and the concept of infinite possibilities. It combines elements of action, comedy, drama, and romance to create a compelling and thought-provoking storytelling experience. The distinctive characters, innovative storytelling techniques, and unexpected twists make this script stand out from others in its genre. It will captivate its target audience with its blend of humor, suspense, and emotional depth. The script's exploration of complex themes and its ability to seamlessly shift between different universes make it a compelling and memorable piece of storytelling.
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$30-40 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 18-45, fans of science fiction, fantasy, and mind-bending narratives

Marketability: The unique blend of genres and exploration of reality manipulation will attract fans of science fiction and fantasy

The diverse cast and compelling storyline will appeal to a wide audience

The mind-bending narrative and exploration of existential themes will generate buzz and critical acclaim

Profit Potential: Moderate to high, with potential for strong box office performance and potential for awards recognition

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Memorable Lines:

  • Jobu: Your concept of infinity- is- still- way- too- fucking- small- (Scene 1)
  • Jackie: I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! (Scene 9)
  • Jackie: I'm killing them... With kindness. (Scene 27)
  • JACKIE: Please, remember me like this. As a hero. (Scene 19)
  • Jackie: Now that you and I are no longer married and are just two nothing people sitting at a nothing table, what do you want to do? (Scene 28)
Characters

Jackie:A laundromat owner who becomes the central figure in a multiverse-spanning adventure

Winona:Jackie's partner who supports him throughout his journey

Jobu:A mysterious woman with reality-manipulating abilities

Desmond:Jackie's colleague who becomes a threat

Joy:Jackie's daughter who is caught in the chaos of the multiverse

Story Shape
Summary "Everything, Everywhere, All at Once" is a feature film that follows the journey of Jackie, a tax auditor, who discovers that he has the ability to jump between different universes. With the help of Winona, his love interest, Jackie navigates various realities while facing threats from an evil entity and his own daughter, Jobu. As Jackie and Winona fight to save the multiverse, they grapple with their own relationship and the consequences of their actions. The film combines elements of action, suspense, and comedy, as Jackie embraces his powers and learns the importance of love, forgiveness, and acceptance.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall plot and story of the screenplay is highly imaginative and ambitious. The concept of multiple universes and the ability to verse jump creates a unique and intriguing premise. The inclusion of different characters and their arcs adds depth to the story and allows for exploration of various themes. The screenplay successfully blends elements of science fiction, action, and drama, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The use of humor throughout the story adds a light-hearted tone and balances out the more serious moments. The ending of the screenplay brings all the different threads together and provides a satisfying resolution. However, the screenplay could benefit from further development and refinement. The transitions between scenes are sometimes abrupt and could be smoother to improve the flow of the story. Additionally, some of the character arcs could be more fully explored and developed to create stronger emotional connections with the audience. The pacing of the screenplay could also be tightened in certain sections to maintain a consistent momentum. Overall, the plot and story of the screenplay show great potential but would benefit from further revision and fine-tuning.
Suggestions: To improve the plot and story of the screenplay, it would be helpful to clarify the rules and limitations of verse jumping and the manipulation of reality. This would provide a stronger foundation for the narrative and help the audience understand the stakes and consequences of the characters' actions. Additionally, further exploration of the emotional journey of the characters, particularly Jackie and Winona, would enhance the audience's investment in their arcs. This could involve delving deeper into their motivations, fears, and desires, and allowing them to experience more growth and transformation throughout the story. Strengthening the transitions between scenes and ensuring a consistent pacing would also improve the overall flow and coherence of the screenplay. Finally, considering the balance between humor and drama, and ensuring that both elements are effectively integrated, would enhance the overall impact of the story.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Beginning The beginning of the screenplay effectively establishes the main characters and introduces the central conflict. The scene with Professor Jackie teaching his disinterested and disruptive students sets up the initial tone and establishes Jackie's frustration and desire for something more. The introduction of Jobu Tupaki adds an element of mystery and intrigue, and her confrontation with Jackie in the classroom creates a strong hook for the audience. The concept of manipulating reality is introduced in an engaging and visually striking way, capturing the audience's attention and setting up the premise of the story. However, the pacing in the beginning could be tightened to maintain a stronger momentum. Some of the scenes, such as the montage of Jackie's daily life and the argument with Winona about taxes, could be condensed or streamlined to keep the audience more engaged. Additionally, further development of the supporting characters in the beginning would add depth and complexity to the story.
Suggestions: To improve the beginning of the screenplay, consider tightening the pacing by condensing or streamlining certain scenes. Focus on the most essential moments that drive the plot and character development. Additionally, further develop the supporting characters in the beginning to create stronger emotional connections and provide a richer context for the main story. This could involve exploring their motivations, relationships, and conflicts in more depth. Finally, ensure that the transitions between scenes are smooth and seamless to maintain a strong flow and coherence.
Middle The middle part of the screenplay delves deeper into the concept of verse jumping and explores the multiverse in more detail. The introduction of Alpha Winona and the revelation of her true identity adds an intriguing twist to the story and raises the stakes for the characters. The action sequences and conflicts in the middle are well-executed and provide excitement and tension. The exploration of different universes and the consequences of verse jumping add depth and complexity to the narrative. However, the middle part of the screenplay could benefit from further development of the character arcs and emotional journeys. While the action and plot progression are engaging, the audience may feel less connected to the characters on an emotional level. Further exploration of their motivations, fears, and desires would enhance the audience's investment in their arcs. Additionally, ensuring a consistent pacing and smooth transitions between scenes would improve the overall flow and coherence of the screenplay.
Suggestions: To improve the middle part of the screenplay, focus on further developing the character arcs and emotional journeys of the main characters. Explore their motivations, fears, and desires in more depth to create stronger emotional connections with the audience. Consider incorporating more moments of introspection and reflection to allow the characters to process their experiences and show their growth and transformation. Additionally, ensure a consistent pacing throughout the middle part of the screenplay to maintain a strong momentum. Smooth transitions between scenes and a clear progression of the plot will enhance the overall flow and coherence of the story.
Ending The ending of the screenplay brings all the different threads together and provides a satisfying resolution. The final confrontation between Jackie, Winona, and Jobu creates a sense of tension and excitement, and the use of different universes adds a visually striking and imaginative element. The resolution of the conflict and the emotional resolution for the characters provide a sense of closure and fulfillment. However, the ending could benefit from further exploration and development of the emotional journeys of the characters. While the resolution of the conflict is satisfying, the audience may desire a deeper understanding of the characters' growth and transformation. Further exploration of their motivations, fears, and desires in the ending would enhance the emotional impact and provide a more resonant conclusion. Additionally, ensuring a smooth transition and coherence between the different universes in the ending would improve the overall flow and clarity of the story.
Suggestions: To improve the ending of the screenplay, focus on further developing the emotional journeys of the characters. Explore their growth, transformation, and resolution in more depth to provide a more resonant and satisfying conclusion. Consider incorporating moments of introspection and reflection to allow the characters to process their experiences and show their emotional development. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition and coherence between the different universes in the ending to maintain a strong flow and clarity. This will enhance the overall impact and resonance of the story's resolution.

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - Reality Manipulation and a Mysterious Encounter Serious, Mysterious, Intense, Humorous 9 9 89 8 787777897 79898
2 - Overwhelmed with Taxes Stressed, Desperate, Frustrated, Hopeless, Resigned 8 7 87 9 787877878 88899
3 - Divorce Preparations and Confusion Awkward, Playful, Tense 8 7 86 8 687776877 89898
4 - Betrayal and Attack Suspenseful, Serious, Mysterious 9 9 87 8 887989988 89998
5 - Meltdown in the Audit Tense, Humorous 8 7 86 9 789989878 99998
6 - Escape and Betrayal Tense, Emotional, Confused, Impressed, Love 9 8 96 9 887989988 89998
7 - Escape and Verse Jumping Suspenseful, Humorous, Mysterious 9 9 89 7 687978977 89898
8 - Desmond's Chase and Jackie's Leap Intense, Suspenseful, Dramatic 9 9 99 9 887989989 89998
9 - Jackie's Desperate Escape Terror, Confusion, Determination, Disappointment 9 9 99 8 887999989 99897
10 - Jackie's Emotional Overwhelm and Reunion with Winona Intense, Emotional, Suspenseful 9 8 97 9 8879899710 88999
11 - Jobu's Transformation Terrified, Panic, Threatening, Enjoying, Overwhelmed 9 8 99 8 987979998 99898
12 - Verse Jumping Chaos Confusion, Desperation, Shock 8 9 79 8 776879877 78898
13 - Revelations and Conflicts Tense, Emotional, Confrontational 9 8 96 9 9879789710 89898
14 - The Helmet of Universes Intense, Emotional, Serious 9 9 99 8 887989989 99998
15 - Confrontation and Connection Intense, Serious, Emotional 9 8 96 8 7879810978 79998
16 - The Battle of the Break Room Intense, Humorous 9 9 86 8 676979877 78998
17 - Confrontation on the Rooftop Intense, Humorous, Dramatic 9 8 99 8 8879799108 79898
18 - Jackie's Journey through Universes Intense, Heartfelt, Humorous 9 8 87 9 878878989 99989
19 - The Shocking End Intense, Emotional, Confused, Bittersweet 9 9 82 8 97696109710 78998
20 - Jackie's Surreal Journey through Universes Confusion, Shock, Humor 8 9 79 7 687776896 69887
21 - Jackie Pig's Chaotic Journey to his Daughter's Wedding Dramatic, Humorous, Surreal 9 9 89 9 887777889 87898
22 - The Battle of Morality in Multiple Universes Emotional, Reflective, Tense 9 9 89 9 9878798810 99898
23 - Jackie's Chaotic Journey Through Alternate Universes Overwhelmed, Chaotic, Confused, Hurt, Honest 8 9 79 8 887977799 79887
24 - Reflections and Peace Reflective, Melancholic, Regretful, Peaceful 9 9 89 9 787473689 79898
25 - Reflections by the Stream Serene, Emotional, Reflective, Humorous 9 8 89 9 887675789 109898
26 - A Sudden Realization and a Tearful Reunion Emotional, Intense, Reflective 9 8 99 10 9879798710 99898
27 - Jackie's Kindness Triumphs in Multiple Universes Intense, Emotional, Whimsical 9 8 98 9 887978989 89897
28 - A Pacifist Battle and a Fresh Start Emotional, Whimsical, Reflective 9 8 99 9 9877779810 89898
29 - Reconciliation at the IRS Office Triumphant, Serene, Nostalgic, Playful 9 8 99 9 987766879 89898


Scene 1 - Reality Manipulation and a Mysterious Encounter
Professor Jackie stands at the chalkboard in front of the
typical disinterested class of undergrads. On the board,
Jackie is illustrating the classic double-slit experiment.
He is drawing a wave-like pattern.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
... So when the photons pass
through the two slits without an
active observer we get an
interference pattern suggesting
they are waves. Now, what happens
when we bring an outside observer-
let’s say a camera, Devon?

Devon is sleeping. A classmate smacks him in the back.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
That’s right, Devon. Through the
simple act of observing the
experiment, the photons are now
behaving as if they are distinct
particles...

Prof. Jackie begins drawing random dots all over the board
while looking at his students.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Not only does this discovery
eventually pave the way for the
entire field of Quantum Physics,
but it also throws into question
everything we believed to be true
about-

His students break out in LAUGHTER. He scans the room for
the distraction. He looks back at the chalkboard and
discovers that his ’random’ particles have formed the
distinct shape of a penis on his chalkboard.

Prof. Jackie frantically erases the photons. He tries again
but despite his best efforts he forms another penis. His
face is stoic.
Instinctively, he looks over his shoulder and finds someone
standing in the doorway- a young Asian woman.
The blood leaves Jackie’s face.

PROFESSOR JACKIE
Class is dismissed.
No one moves.
2.


PROFESSOR JACKIE
I said class is dismissed!
Prof. Jackie throws on a blue-tooth earpiece as a diligent
student approaches his desk with a question.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Just check the portal for your
homework, Gary! Leave! Go!
(into earpiece)
She’s here.
EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
Get out of there! Now.
Everyone leaves the classroom as the Asian woman, JOBU
TUPAKI, slowly takes a seat in the front row, plopping her
book bag on the desk beside her.
Prof. Jackie looks at the door, then at Jobu. He suddenly
doubles over from a severe headache. He gasps and sits down
at his desk. He looks exhausted. Tired of running.

EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
No. What are you doing? Run Jackie,
we can’t afford to lose-
He pulls out the earpiece and places it on the desk.
EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
Jackie... please...

The room is now empty and completely quiet. They sit across
from each other in silence. Jobu examines him.
JOBU
(deadpan)
I liked your lesson. Totally blew
my mind.

Prof. Jackie whips a handgun out of the desk drawer and
fires directly at her head! Jobu sighs.
click, click, click, click, click- all duds.
Jackie looks at his gun in disbelief.
Amused, Jobu pulls out her phone to search something.
JOBU
Do you know what the chances are of
a factory produced .38 round being
a dud?
3.


(beat)
Woah. 1/100,000.
Jobu walks over and gently takes the gun.

JOBU
That makes 5 misfires in a row...
one in one hundred thousand billion
billion. So what are the chances-
(points gun at Jackie)
-of a 6th misfire-
PROFESSOR JACKIE
I’m not playing your games anymore.
She cocks the gun.
JOBU
What are the chances?
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Joy, I know how scary it can be,
knowing all that you know, but you
are forgetting there is still so
much beauty. So much hope.
Jobu rolls her eyes and drops the gun on the ground.

She grabs the professor by the hair and slams his head on
the desk. Then again. And again. Again!
PROFESSOR JACKIE
Agh! What are you doing?!
JOBU
I’m trying to show you something.

PROFESSOR JACKIE
(between impacts)
What? That up is down, and pigs can
fly? The universe is infinite, I
get it, okay?
With each word, she slams his head into the desk again.
JOBU
No. you don’t. Your concept of
infinity- is- still- way- too-
fucking- small-
Suddenly Prof. Jackie’s head floats through his wooden desk.
With his eyes wide open, he passes through the wood without
harming himself or the desk. How? He crumples to the floor.
4.


A shivering mess, he feels his face and reaches up to touch
the underside of the desk.
JOBU
1 in a million trillion trillion.
PROFESSOR JACKIE
What?
JOBU
That’s the probability of every
atom in your head tunneling through
every atom of your desk, and coming
out the other side whole.
Jobu tosses her book bag on the ground then rubs it’s back.
She flips it around, and suddenly it’s a pot bellied pig.
Prof. Jackie finds the handgun on the ground next to him and
examines it curiously. He places it against his temple.
JOBU
Sorry, you’re not the one.

The pig unfurls beautiful wings and Jobu flies up through
the skylight of the classroom.
BANG. Prof Jackie’s hand falls limp next to the bluetooth
earpiece.
EARPIECE VOICE (O.S.)
No! Shit! She got another one...

We follow Jobu through the skylight and suddenly she is:

INT. MULTIVERSE TRAVEL - VARIOUS
We travel with her from universe to universe.

INT BAR riding on a mechanical bull, her eyes scan the bar,
searching for something, then flies off-
EXT OCEAN flying through the air as a cliff diver passively
observing the divers below- still looking...
EXT STREET a mid air stunt woman on a commercial set-
EXT SUBURBAN HOME a bird smacking against a window
INT TRAMPOLINE PARK a circus clown who lands on the
trampoline and bounces to her feet-
5.


EXT CITY STREET a gutter punk who hops over a puddle and
looks around. She see’s another version of Jackie in a
coffee shop sweeping up some spilled sugar packets. She is
looking for something in Jackie, but she shakes her head and
plops down on a bus stop-
Becoming more versions of herself in more unexpected
places. Flash. Flash. Flash. Until:

INT. JOY’S APARTMENT
Jobu lies in bed with a sleeping woman watching TV on their
laptop. Her phone phone BUZZES on her nightstand with a
call from "DAD." She picks up.

JACKIE OS
Hello? Joy?
(pause)
If someone calls from the IRS, can
you please say you are still
working at the laundromat? I, um,
forgot to change some small
paperwork and now the government is
causing trouble. Hello?
Jobu listens intently.

JACKIE OS
(Chinese)
Joy, I don’t know what you want me
to do. You never call. You don’t
come to see us. Your mother is very
upset. I know you are mad at us,
but we are your parents-
Jobu hangs up. She looks at the phone and shakes her head
no. Suddenly her head drops forward before snapping back up
like she was dosing off. The woman, BECKY turns in bed.

BECKY
Who was that?
Jobu looks at the phone as if she doesn’t remember talking
on the phone.
JOBU
What?
BECKY
Didn’t someone call?
6.

JOBU
No, you must have been dreaming.
She rolls over in bed and puts an arm around Becky.


ON BLACK
TITLE: "PART 1: EVERYTHING"
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary Professor Jackie teaches a disinterested class about the double-slit experiment. Jobu Tupaki enters the classroom, causing Jackie to panic. After a misfire, Jobu reveals her reality-manipulating abilities and transforms her bag into a flying pig. The scene transitions to Jobu traveling through different universes, and it ends with her lying in bed receiving a phone call from her father.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Intriguing characters
  • Mix of humor and intensity
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and thought-provoking, with a mix of humor and intensity. It introduces intriguing concepts and raises questions that captivate the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the double-slit experiment and the idea of an outside observer affecting the behavior of particles is presented in a clear and interesting way. The concept of infinite possibilities and the ability to manipulate reality is also introduced.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the introduction of Jobu Tupaki, a mysterious character who disrupts Professor Jackie's class. It sets up a conflict and raises questions about Jobu's intentions and abilities.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high. The use of the double-slit experiment as a metaphor for the protagonist's internal and external conflicts is unique, and the unexpected twist of the 'random' particles forming a penis on the chalkboard adds a fresh and surprising element to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Professor Jackie is portrayed as a knowledgeable and dedicated teacher, but also vulnerable and haunted by something. Jobu Tupaki is introduced as a powerful and enigmatic character with the ability to manipulate reality. Their interaction creates intrigue and tension.

Character Changes: 7

Professor Jackie experiences a shift in his perception of reality and his understanding of the world. Jobu Tupaki's presence challenges his beliefs and forces him to confront his fears.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and hide his true identity and abilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the Asian woman, Jobu Tupaki, who has entered the classroom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the disruption caused by Jobu Tupaki and Professor Jackie's internal struggle. It creates tension and drives the plot forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces the challenge of escaping from Jobu Tupaki and hiding his true identity and abilities.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Professor Jackie, as his beliefs and understanding of the world are challenged. The introduction of Jobu Tupaki adds an element of danger and mystery.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a new character and sets up a conflict that will drive the story forward. It raises questions and creates intrigue, motivating the audience to continue watching.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists, such as the 'random' particles forming a penis on the chalkboard and the protagonist's gun misfiring multiple times.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Professor Jackie's belief in the beauty and hope of the universe and Jobu's belief in the limitations of human understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, confusion, and concern in the audience. The emotional impact is heightened by the mysterious and intense atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the scientific concepts and the characters' emotions. It also includes humorous moments that provide a contrast to the serious tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines intellectual concepts with humor and surprise, keeping the audience interested and curious about what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, while also allowing for moments of humor and surprise.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with an interesting premise, as Professor Jackie is teaching a class about the double-slit experiment. However, the execution of the scene falls short in several areas.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity. The professor's explanations come across as overly didactic and unnatural. The sarcastic comment from Jobu about the probability of a misfire also feels out of place and forced.
  • The transition from the classroom setting to Jobu confronting Jackie is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer setup for Jobu's entrance.
  • The violence in the scene, with Jobu repeatedly slamming Jackie's head on the desk, feels gratuitous and unnecessary. It doesn't serve a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • The introduction of Jobu's reality-manipulating abilities feels rushed and underdeveloped. It would be more effective to gradually reveal her powers and explore their implications.
  • The scene transitions to Jobu traveling through different universes, but this shift feels disjointed and confusing. It's not clear how this connects to the previous events or what purpose it serves in the overall story.
  • The scene ends with Jobu lying in bed with her partner, receiving a phone call from her father. This ending feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution or cliffhanger.
  • Overall, the scene lacks cohesion and clarity. The pacing is uneven, and the tonal shifts between academic, tense, violent, and surreal are jarring.
  • The visual elements, such as the drawing of a penis on the chalkboard and the gun misfiring, feel gimmicky and detract from the scene's impact.
  • The character development is limited, and the motivations of the characters, particularly Jobu, are unclear.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and realistic dialogue, a clearer and more organic progression of events, and a stronger focus on character development and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. Focus on conveying information in a way that feels organic to the characters and their relationships.
  • Provide a clearer and smoother transition from the classroom setting to Jobu's entrance. Establish a stronger connection between the two events.
  • Reconsider the violent elements in the scene and ensure they serve a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Gradually reveal Jobu's reality-manipulating abilities and explore their implications in a more nuanced and developed manner.
  • Clarify the connection between Jobu traveling through different universes and the previous events. Ensure this shift in setting serves a clear purpose in the overall story.
  • Reconsider the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying resolution or cliffhanger that connects to the rest of the scene.
  • Streamline the visual elements to ensure they enhance the impact of the scene rather than feeling gimmicky.
  • Focus on developing the characters' motivations and providing clearer insight into their actions and choices.
  • Work on improving the overall cohesion, pacing, and tonal consistency of the scene.
  • Consider seeking feedback from beta readers or fellow screenwriters to gain additional perspectives and insights on how to improve the scene.



Scene 2 - Overwhelmed with Taxes
INT. CHAN APARTMENT - DINING ROOM - MORNING
JACKIE CHAN, in sweat pants and a over-sized polo
shirt, hangs up the phone. The years have not been kind to
this Jackie. All around him, years of tax documents and old
receipts threaten to drown him in his overpopulated
apartment.
Jackie puts down the phone and simmers. After a beat, he
shoots out of his chair and throws on his jacket.
WINONA
What’s wrong?
WINONA, big perm and an unnecessary amount of make-up for
doing taxes, sits on the other side of the paperwork. When
they speak to one another its in Cantonese with pieces of
broken English thrown in for emphasis.
JACKIE
Everything’s fine. I’m just going
over there to talk to her in
person.
WINONA
You’re just going to lecture and
get into a fight-
Jackie slams his palms onto the table causing a pile of
receipts to topple over. He looks up from his wife to the
crowded wall behind her filled with pictures of their
daughter, framed children’s drawings, and report cards. He
forces a laugh and smiles.
JACKIE
No, there is nothing to fight
about.
WINONA
I know how worried you are about
Joy, but you have to concentrate
right now if we’re going to finish
this today.
7.


Jackie relents. He sits down and picks up a receipt. He
stares right past it for a long beat.
And then a DOORBELL RING. Jackie looks at the security
footage on their TV and sees a laundromat customer
downstairs is pressing their assistance button. He gets up
and rushes out the door.
Winona is left to deal with the taxes. She sighs: typical.

MONTAGE - VARIOUS

INT. LAUNDROMAT - Jackie is holding up a shrunken sweater as
he is berated by an angry customer.

INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Winona nods along as Jackie
passionately tells Winona the story, but not actually doing
any tax work of his own.
JACKIE
... You know me, I always mix the
two words. "He", "she", "he",
"she". In Chinese, there is only
one word, so simple. Everything
here is so messy. Boys wearing
make-up, girls with shaved heads...

INT. LAUNDROMAT - Jackie is waving goodbye to some customers
as they leave, when he suddenly remembers something.
JACKIE
Wait! I need you to review us. Give
us 5 stars. Please.
CUSTOMER
Um, okay...
The customer is about to leave. Jackie steps between her and
the door. His smile glows with desperation.
JACKIE
Great. Can you do it right now?
CUSTOMER
Right now?
JACKIE
I have written a sample review in
case you don’t know what to say.

Jackie holds up a sample script.
8.


INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Winona is watching a Chinese
Soap Opera on T.V. and tearing up. Jackie sits down about to
start working on the taxes again. Winona smiles up at him,
but all he offers back is a distracted nod. They hear an
elderly voice coming from the other room.
ELDERLY VOICE (O.S.)
Son... son...
INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN - Jackie is feeding his catatonic
father, YIEH YIEH, who is muttering to himself in Cantonese.
YIEH YIEH
What am I doing in this horrible
country? I could be home... I could
be buried next to me father...
INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Back in the dining room.
WINONA
What did your father want?
JACKIE
He was hungry.
RING. Jackie and Winona look at each other. What is it now?
EXT. LAUNDROMAT - Jackie approaches a homeless man
panhandling outside of his laundromat in his underwear.
JACKIE
Excuse me, sir. You can’t be
here...
An awful smell causes Jackie to recoil. The man’s soiled
pants sit nearby on the sidewalk. Jackie looks at the man
and sighs.
INT. LAUNDROMAT - The homeless man is wearing a robe while
Jackie is throwing the homeless man’s dirty clothes into the
washing machine.
INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - Winona watches from upstairs
through the security footage. It breaks her heart a little.
END OF MONTAGE
9.


INT. APARTMENT DINING ROOM - EVENING

Jackie finally sits down across from Winona. The day has
worn him down.

WINONA
I think I’m almost done, I just
have a couple questions about-
JACKIE
What is this?
Winona senses there is going to be trouble. They both try
their best to remain civil as Jackie rifles through stacks.
WINONA
I think some things were in the
wrong group.
JACKIE
No, no, no. I’m going to have to
re-sort everything.

WINONA
Jackie, this is why we are being
audited. You’re trying to deduct
things like- karaoke machines,
kitchen knife sets-
JACKIE
We’re being audited because they
are targeting immigrants, I read
about it just yesterday-
Winona gets up and enters the kitchen to avoid an argument.
Jackie is too focused on the paperwork to notice. Winona
comes back with a pot of tea and some snacks.
WINONA
Look, if we’re going to have to
stay up all night, maybe we can do
it together. It’ll be like college.
Winona puts her hand on Jackie’s shoulder. Jackie doesn’t
even look up from the paperwork.
JACKIE
No. It’s okay. You know I usually
work better alone. I promise it’ll
be sorted out in the morning.

He pulls away from her hand. Winona has had enough. She sets
the tea on the table and walks away to her bedroom.
10.

Jackie takes a deep breath and looks over at the clock:
12:12am. He picks up receipt and holds it over one pile but
hesitates. He holds it over another and does the same.
He looks at the clock again: 3:00AM. He looks down at his
hand and instead of holding a receipt he is now watching a
YouTube video about African Pigs. He slams his head on the
desk. Trying to contain his fury, he mimes flipping the
table.
He pulls out his phone and dials in a number. He’s become
desperate.
JACKIE
(English)
Hi, I need help. I don’t know what
I’m doing. Every time I think I
know what to do, the rules change,
and I’m lost again. My heart. It’s
tired. Two by-pass surgeries. Two
of them. I can’t afford another
one. I could have been a great
writer. Or maybe chef with his own
restaurant. But, no. This is how I
waste away my life. I just need to
know. Is it all worth it?
There is a pause on the other side of the phone.

PHONE OPERATOR
Of course its worth it! For only
69.99, TurboTax is a steal, when
you think of all of the time you
will save. No headache, no hassle!
Would you like to sign up for the
current tax year?
JACKIE
No, I’m being audited. The past 5
years. And I don’t know what to do.

PHONE OPERATOR
Oh, so you’re a returning customer
asking about our Audit Insurance
policy?
JACKIE
No.
PHONE OPERATOR
Oh, I’m sorry. We can’t help you
with that, but if you want to avoid
being put in this situation again
we can get you signed up for a-
11.


Jackie hangs up. Everything hurts. He pulls out his
prescription pills, pops one, swallows without water.


FADE TO:

INT. CHAN APARTMENT BATHROOM - MORNING
Jackie sits on the toilet with the seat cover down. All we
hear is the sound of an empty shower RUNNING. Piles of
paperwork cover the floor and counter of the tiny bathroom.

He picks up a receipt and carefully converts a handwritten
"1" into a "7".


INT. CHAN APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS
Meanwhile, in the other room, we see Winona is adding sticky
notes to the only paperwork worse than taxes. Divorce
papers. The notes show her husband where to sign. She stands
up and walks to the door with a sigh.


INT. CHAN APARTMENT BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
Jackie gives up. He piles the paperwork into his briefcase.
He flushes the toilet and stands by the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jackie Chan hangs up the phone and prepares to leave the apartment, but Winona convinces him to stay and work on their taxes. Jackie is distracted by a doorbell ring and rushes out to attend to a customer at his laundromat. The scene transitions to a montage of various moments, including Jackie dealing with an angry customer, discussing the messy paperwork with Winona, asking a customer for a 5-star review, feeding his catatonic father, and confronting a homeless man. The montage ends with Jackie and Winona arguing about deductions, with Jackie insisting on working alone. The scene concludes with Jackie feeling overwhelmed and calling a phone operator for help.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of stress and frustration
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Relatable concept
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion in the timeline

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and desperation of the characters, while also providing some comedic moments. The dialogue is engaging and the conflict is palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene revolves around the challenges and frustrations of dealing with tax problems, which is relatable to many people. It also explores the strained relationship between Jackie and Winona, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie's attempts to deal with his tax issues while also juggling other responsibilities. It effectively portrays the mounting pressure and the obstacles he faces.

Originality: 7

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of the protagonist's tax problems and the unique cultural elements, such as the use of Cantonese and broken English in the dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. Jackie's desperation and frustration, as well as Winona's patience and concern, make them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and change in Jackie as he confronts his tax issues and the strain it puts on his relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a solution to his tax problems and alleviate his feelings of being overwhelmed and lost. This reflects his deeper need for stability and control in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deal with the various challenges and tasks related to his tax issues, such as talking to the person pressing the assistance button and asking a customer for a review. This reflects the immediate circumstances and obstacles he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Jackie struggles with his tax issues and the pressure it puts on his relationship with Winona. There is also some external conflict with the auditors and the homeless man.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, but it is not overly difficult to overcome. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will handle the challenges he faces.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are primarily personal and financial. Jackie's future and his relationship with Winona are at risk if he can't resolve his tax issues. While not life-or-death stakes, they are significant for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the conflict of the tax issues and the strain it puts on Jackie and Winona's relationship. It sets up the challenges they will face and the potential for growth and resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected situations and reactions, such as Jackie's desperate phone call and the humorous encounter with the customer. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Jackie's belief that immigrants are being targeted and his wife's more practical approach to dealing with their tax problems. This challenges Jackie's worldview and highlights the tension between his idealism and the reality of their situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from stress and frustration to moments of humor and empathy. The audience can empathize with Jackie's struggles and feel the tension in his relationship with Winona.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflects the characters' emotions and personalities. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Jackie and Winona, as well as their underlying love and concern for each other.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it presents relatable conflicts and challenges faced by the protagonist, as well as humorous moments and authentic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the chaotic world of the characters and their struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and humor. The rhythm of the dialogue and the progression of events keep the scene engaging and maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. It effectively conveys the progression of events and the interactions between characters.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a clear description of the setting and the appearance of the main character, Jackie Chan. However, the description of Jackie's appearance could be more specific and vivid to help create a stronger visual image for the reader.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona is mostly effective in conveying their conflict and the tension between them. However, there are moments where the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural, particularly when they switch between Cantonese and broken English. It might be more authentic to stick to one language throughout the scene.
  • The montage sequence is a creative way to show the passage of time and Jackie's various interactions, but it feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear narrative thread. It might be helpful to establish a stronger connection between the different moments and ensure that each one contributes to the overall story.
  • The ending of the scene, with Jackie feeling overwhelmed and calling a phone operator for help, is a powerful moment that effectively conveys Jackie's emotional state. However, the transition to the next scene in the bathroom feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There are some moments of humor and emotion throughout the scene, but they could be further developed and enhanced to create a stronger emotional impact on the reader.
  • The visual elements described in the scene are generally effective in helping to visualize the setting and the characters' actions. However, there could be more attention to detail and specific visual cues to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the description of Jackie's appearance to provide more specific details that help to create a vivid image in the reader's mind.
  • Reevaluate the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to ensure that it feels natural and authentic, and consider sticking to one language throughout the scene.
  • Refine the montage sequence to establish a stronger narrative thread and ensure that each moment contributes to the overall story.
  • Smooth out the transition between the ending of the scene and the next scene in the bathroom to create a more seamless flow.
  • Further develop the moments of humor and emotion to create a stronger emotional impact on the reader.
  • Pay attention to detail and include specific visual cues to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.



Scene 3 - Divorce Preparations and Confusion
INT. CHAN APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS
Winona approaches the door, silently rehearsing to herself
what she is going to say.

SPLITSCREEN: INT. APARTMENT/INT. BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS

Jackie and Winona are standing on opposite sides of the
door, both paralyzed. They take turns reaching for the door.
Winona goes to knock, Jackie reaches for the knob. They both
pull back. They both inhale at the same time.
And then suddenly:
JACKIE WINONA
Winona, I need to tell- Jackie, we need to talk-
12.


Winona reaches for the knob, just as Jackie pushes open the
door. The door slams into Winona’s face. She YELPS in pain,
drops the divorce papers, and slams the door shut which now
smashes into Jackie’s face as well, causing him to drop his
briefcase, sending the tax paperwork everywhere.
Both their noses are bleeding, blood dribbling onto the
paperwork.

INT. CHAN APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
Jackie turns on the sink quickly and scrambles to throw the
paperwork back into the briefcase before she comes in. He
stuffs toilet paper up his nose.

JACKIE
Sorry! Don’t come in yet.

INT. CHAN APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS
Winona is doing the same, scrambling to pick up the divorce
papers. She stuffs a tissue up her nose
WINONA
That’s fine! Take your time!

SPLITSCREEN: INT. APARTMENT/INT. BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
JACKIE
Did I hit you with the door?
WINONA
No, no. It was just... a chair was
in the way.
JACKIE
Okay, good. Good.
They both manage to hide their respective papers and sit on
the floor exhausted, holding their noses.
WINONA
We should go. We’re going to be
late.
JACKIE
Yeah, we’re going to be late.

They both sit there a little longer.
13.


INT. CAR

Jackie and Winona sit in silence as Jackie drives. In their
own worlds. They eat noodles out of tupperware at the
stoplight.
WINONA
Hey. I know I had my doubts about
you preparing all of the paperwork
on your own, but I’m proud of you
for following through this time.
JACKIE
Don’t think of it. Caring for you
and the family is my duty.

They both smolder in the silence.

INT. IRS BUILDING LOBBY - LATER
Jackie and Winona walk in silence.

Winona eyes an elderly couple in front of them. They are
holding hands. Adorable. The couple stops by the restrooms.
She hands him her purse and they kiss before she enters the
restroom. Double Adorable.

Winona looks down at her hand that is only a few inches away
from Jackie’s. Distracted by his own thoughts, Jackie shifts
his briefcase to the hand closest to Winona’s. She crosses
her arms.

They enter the elevator.

INT. IRS ELEVATOR - THAT MOMENT
As the elevator doors close, Winona’s head snaps forward and
she springs into action. She pulls out an umbrella from her
over-sized purse and opens it up. The open umbrella covers
the security camera in the corner of the elevator.
JACKIE
(Chinese)
What are you-
WINONA
(English)
There is no time to explain. You
are in grave danger. Hold this.
14.


She shoves the umbrella into his hands. She rummages in her
purse and pulls out two out-dated blue tooth ear pieces and
places one in each of Jackie’s ears. She opens up a compact
mirror and twists one side, turning on a futuristic looking
interface. The blue tooth devices turn on and emit a
sweeping array of light that scans his head.
WINONA
We need to get you out of here
without attracting any unwanted
attention, so pay close attention:
When we leave this elevator, you
can either take a right towards
your scheduled audit appointment,
or you can take a left and go into
the janitor’s closet. Do not go
into the janitor’s closet.
JACKIE
Why would I go into-
WINONA
Not now.

She shuffles through her purse and pulls out a pen and some
papers with blood stains on them: the divorce papers.
Before Jackie can realize they are divorce papers, Winona
begins rapidly writing on the back.
JACKIE
Wait-

WINONA
Once you are situated in the
meeting, follow these instructions,
but remember: act normal. We can
not risk them finding us here.
She places the divorce papers with newly written
instructions into his hands.
JACKIE
But I-
WINONA
Shhh...
She places a hand gently on his cheek. She takes a moment to
look at him lovingly. Jackie shrivels under the intimacy.

Her mirror BEEPS: "100% SCAN COMPLETE"
15.


She twists the mirror shut. She closes the umbrella and
shoves everything into her purse.
She stands up straight as if nothing has happened.

WINONA
(side of mouth)
Talk to you soon.
Her head goes limp.
DING. The elevator door opens.

Winona’s head lifts up and she looks around disoriented.
WINONA
(Chinese)
Wow... what a fast elevator...
She walks out, leaving Jackie grasping for understanding. As
he leaves, his gaze lingers on the janitor closet to his
left.


INT. CUBICLE 9TH FLOOR - MORNING
The back of the crumpled divorce papers lay in Jackie’s
hands under a desk.
The first line reads: "1. Switch shoes to the wrong feet."
DESMOND (O.S.)
Mr. Chan... did you hear me?
Jackie hides the instructions in his lap and looks up.
DESMOND, a glistening, round IRS Tax Auditor in a cheap
suit, is poking at a calculator with one hand and squeezing
a hand grip strengthener in the other. Desmond stares at
Jackie, waiting for a response. Winona gives Jackie a look.
JACKIE
I’m sorry. Could you repeat the
question?
WINONA
I’m sorry, my husband, he is, how
do you say? Head in clouds? To
answer your question: Yes, that is
clear.
16.


DESMOND
Good.
JACKIE
(Chinese)
What is clear? What was the
question?
WINONA
Shhh...
Desmond scoffs at a receipt and shakes his head in disbelief
before placing a big red sticky note on the receipt and
placing it in a pile of other similarly marked receipts.
JACKIE
What does that pile mean?
DESMOND
We’ll get to them soon enough.
He takes a big swig from a canned protein shake before he
looks at another receipt, and rolls his eyes at it before
throwing it in the same pile.
Winona looks over at Jackie discouraged.
Jackie’s eyes fall on his shoes. He makes sure no one is
paying attention. He unties his shoes, and slowly slips both
feet out. He switches his shoes and reties them.
He sits up straight as his eyes scan the room to make sure
he wasn’t noticed. He reads the next instruction: "2. Close
eyes, imagine you are in the janitor’s closet."
Jackie takes a moment to digest this next instruction. He
shakes his head and laughs at himself. He closes his eyes.
We see an imagined POV of the closet door.

Suddenly the bluetooths in his ears VIBRATE and and a green
light blinks on.
He looks down at the final instruction: "3. Hold that
thought and press the green button. P.S. Don’t forget to
breathe."
Jackie breathes in and presses the button-
Like the sudden sensation of falling, Jackie finds himself
shooting past cubicle after cubicle across the entire floor.
He crosses through the janitor’s closet door and finally
stops abruptly inside the closet.
17.


INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET / CUBICLE SPLIT SCREEN - THAT MOMENT

The small closet is cluttered and dimly lit.
In a split screen we see half of Jackie is in the closet,
the other half is still in the tax audit. He looks all
around him in both worlds. What just happened?
Note: this split-screen continues for the rest of the scene.
INT. CUBICLE:
JACKIE
What is happening?
Desmond looks up, clearly frustrated.
DESMOND
I already told you... <continues to
speak indiscernibly>
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Winona and Jackie hesitate to open the apartment door, resulting in a collision that causes them both to bleed. They clean up and head to the car in silence, where Winona expresses pride in Jackie for preparing the divorce papers. At the IRS building, they notice an elderly couple holding hands. In the elevator, Winona covers the security camera and gives Jackie instructions. They part ways, and Jackie follows the instructions on the divorce papers, ending up partially in the janitor's closet and feeling confused.
Strengths
  • Effective comedic timing
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing introduction of mystery
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of humor and tension. The comedic moments are executed effectively, and the introduction of the mysterious elements adds intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, involving a couple preparing for a tax audit while dealing with relationship issues, is interesting and provides opportunities for both comedy and drama.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the couple's awkward interaction and the introduction of a mysterious situation. It is engaging and moves the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a couple going through a divorce and facing a tax audit is not entirely unique, the specific details and interactions between the characters add freshness to the familiar setup. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jackie and Winona are well-developed and their personalities and relationship dynamics are established effectively. Their actions and dialogue are consistent with their established traits.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for growth and change in the future as the characters navigate their relationship and the mysterious situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the awkwardness and tension between him and his estranged wife while also following the instructions on the divorce papers. This reflects his deeper desire to maintain a sense of control and dignity in the face of a failing marriage.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully navigate his tax audit appointment and avoid drawing unwanted attention. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the IRS building.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters struggle with their emotions and the decision to confront each other. The introduction of the mysterious situation adds an external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there are no major obstacles or conflicts, the tension between the characters and the challenges they face in their respective situations create a sense of opposition and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, with the main conflict being the characters' relationship issues and the potential danger of the mysterious situation. However, it creates intrigue and sets up higher stakes for future scenes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mysterious situation and setting up future events. It also establishes the dynamics between the characters and their motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected physical comedy moments, such as the door slamming into the characters' faces. The audience is also kept guessing about the true nature of the divorce papers and the protagonist's actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, including humor, tension, and curiosity. The physical comedy and the potential danger create a mix of emotions for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is witty and humorous, capturing the awkwardness and tension between the characters. It also effectively conveys important information and sets up future events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor, tension, and relatable human interactions. The audience is drawn into the awkwardness and conflict between the characters, and the comedic moments provide moments of levity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between moments of tension and moments of humor. The rhythm of the dialogue and the physical actions keeps the scene moving at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and presents a conflict that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a split screen, which can be confusing and disorienting for the reader. It's important to establish a clear visual and spatial understanding of the scene before introducing split screens.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona at the door feels a bit forced and unnatural. It would be more effective to show their hesitation and internal conflict through their actions and body language.
  • The physical comedy of the door slamming into both Jackie and Winona's faces can be funny, but it feels a bit over-the-top and unrealistic. It's important to strike a balance between comedy and believability.
  • The transition from the apartment to the bathroom is abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It would be helpful to provide a clearer transition or establish a new scene heading for the bathroom.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the bathroom feels a bit on-the-nose and lacks subtlety. It would be more effective to show their frustration and exhaustion through their actions and expressions.
  • The split screen between the apartment and the bathroom can be confusing and disrupt the flow of the scene. It's important to consider whether the split screen adds value to the storytelling or if it can be simplified.
  • The dialogue in the car lacks depth and emotional resonance. It would be beneficial to explore the underlying emotions and conflicts between Jackie and Winona in a more nuanced way.
  • The introduction of the elderly couple in the IRS building lobby feels random and disconnected from the main story. It's important to ensure that all elements in the scene serve a purpose and contribute to the overall narrative.
  • The dialogue in the elevator between Jackie and Winona feels rushed and lacks clarity. It would be helpful to provide more context and explanation for the actions and instructions given by Winona.
  • The use of split screen throughout the scene can be distracting and confusing. It's important to consider whether the split screen adds value to the storytelling or if it can be simplified.
  • The transition from the elevator to the tax audit cubicle is abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. It would be helpful to provide a clearer transition or establish a new scene heading for the cubicle.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Desmond in the tax audit cubicle feels disjointed and lacks a clear purpose. It would be beneficial to establish a stronger conflict or tension between the characters.
  • The use of split screen between the janitor's closet and the tax audit cubicle can be confusing and disrupt the flow of the scene. It's important to consider whether the split screen adds value to the storytelling or if it can be simplified.
Suggestions
  • Consider simplifying the scene by removing the split screens and focusing on clear and concise visual descriptions.
  • Develop the characters' internal conflicts and emotions through their actions, body language, and subtext rather than relying heavily on dialogue.
  • Ensure that the physical comedy elements are grounded in reality and believable within the context of the scene.
  • Provide smoother transitions between different locations and establish clear scene headings to guide the reader.
  • Deepen the emotional resonance of the dialogue by exploring the underlying conflicts and motivations of the characters.
  • Evaluate the relevance and purpose of each element introduced in the scene to ensure that they contribute to the overall narrative.
  • Clarify the instructions and actions given by Winona in the elevator to enhance the clarity and understanding of the scene.
  • Consider simplifying or removing the split screen elements to improve the flow and coherence of the scene.
  • Provide a smoother transition between the elevator and the tax audit cubicle to maintain a seamless narrative flow.
  • Establish a stronger conflict or tension between Jackie and Desmond in the tax audit cubicle to create a more engaging and dynamic scene.
  • Reconsider the use of split screen between the janitor's closet and the tax audit cubicle to avoid confusion and maintain a clear visual focus.



Scene 4 - Betrayal and Attack
INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET: Someone grabs Jackie and turns him
around. It’s Winona.

WINONA
Shhhh... Don’t talk. Act like
everything is normal. Try to go
into autopilot.
INT. CUBICLE: Jackie’s tense body begins to relax as he
tries an innocent smile towards his wife. Desmond continues
to ramble.

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET:
WINONA
They do not know I’m talking to you
here yet, so hopefully I’ll have
time to explain: I am not your
wife. At least not the one you
know. I am another version of her
from another life path, another
universe. I’m here because we need
your help.
JACKIE
What the hell?
Winona covers Jackie’s mouth.
WINONA
There is a great evil that has
taken root in my world and has
(MORE)
18.


WINONA (cont’d)
begun spreading its chaos
throughout the many verses. I have
spent years searching for the one
who might be able to match this
great evil with an even greater
good and bring order back to the
multiverse. All those years of
searching have brought me here. To
this universe. To you.
Jackie takes a moment to digest this information.
WINONA
I know its a lot to take in right
now but I need you to- <continues
to speak indiscernibly>

DESMOND (O.S.)
Mr. Chan... Hello?
INT. CUBICLE: Winona’s voice slowly fades away and the
split-screen focuses on what is happening in the cubicle.

DESMOND
Mr. Chan... Mr. Chan!
Jackie takes control of his body again in the tax meeting.

JACKIE
Yes! Yes I am here.
DESMOND
Mr. Chan I’m sure you have a lot on
your mind, but I cannot imagine
anything mattering more than this
conversation we are having right
now concerning your tax liability.

JACKIE
I know, I know. I am paying
attention.
DESMOND
Good. Then, can you explain this?
Desmond places a receipt on the table. Jackie looks at it.
JACKIE
Wait, what are we talking about?
19.


WINONA
(Chinese)
God, the building could be burning
and you’d still be stuck in your
own head.
DESMOND
I was just hoping you could
enlighten me on how, as a
laundromat owner, a karaoke machine
would constitute as a business
expense?

Jackie shrinks in embarrassment.
JACKIE
(meekly)
I am a singer.
DESMOND
What?
JACKIE
I. am. a. singer.
Desmond scoffs and shuffles through a pile of forms,
referencing them at random.

DESMOND
I see, and apparently you are also
a novelist, a part-time teacher, a
chef, a motivational speaker...
<continues to speak indiscernibly>
WINONA (O.S.)
Hey!

INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET: Jackie’s attention is back in the
closet.

WINONA
Did you just miss everything I just
told you? I can’t afford to go over
it all again right now!
JACKIE
I’m sorry could we do this some
other time? I need to make sure the
government doesn’t take our
apartment.
(thinking)
Unless, you have a way to help me
fix my tax liability.
20.

Winona grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him in.
WINONA
I know you have a lot of things on
your mind, but nothing matters more
than this conversation we are
having right now concerning the
fate of your universe.
(she leans in)
My dear Jackie, I know you. You’re
reaching your twilight years. You
want to be able to look back and
say you did it right. You made a
difference. And with every passing
year, you fear that possibility is
slipping away. Well, now is your
chance. This is your moment. Don’t
let anything distract you from it.
Jackie turns towards these words like a flower to the sun.
He can’t help but glow.
INT. CUBICLE: Jackie smiles even in the cubicle.

DESMOND
Oh, so you think this is funny?
INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET: A loud BOOM shakes the door. Someone
is trying to get in.
WINONA
(gravely)
They know I’ve made contact.
JACKIE
What are they going to do?
WINONA
They are going to kill us.
JACKIE
What?!
Jackie quickly picks up a broomstick and moves away from the
door. Winona grabs him to calm him down.
WINONA
Do not worry, this is just a burner
universe we are using for
communication. The real you is
still sitting in that cubicle.

Suddenly a fist bursts through the door sending splinters
everywhere. It grabs Winona’s face.
21.

WINONA
(calmly)
One day it will be your time to
fight, but until then, get out of
here. Stay low and out of sight. I
will be in contact soon. Trust no
one.
Another fist bursts through. Both hands grab hold of her
head and SNAP HER NECK. She falls over dead.
The hands open the door. They belong to Desmond. Only he is
different. He is robotic and precise in his movements.
He punches a hole in the wall and pulls out a metal pipe.
JACKIE
No! NO! NO!

Desmond hits Jackie’ across the face with a deadly KLUNK. As
his head snaps to the side, the split screen swings away:
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Winona reveals to Jackie that she is from another universe and needs his help to fight a great evil. While in a tax meeting, Jackie is distracted by Winona's voice in his head. Desmond confronts Jackie about his tax liability and later kills Winona. He then attacks Jackie with a metal pipe, leaving him in danger.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of multiple universes
  • Effective establishment of high stakes and conflict
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be clearer and more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the high stakes and introduces the main conflict of the story. It creates a sense of mystery and tension, leaving the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of multiple universes and the idea of a protagonist being approached by a version of his wife from another universe is intriguing and sets up an engaging premise for the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist, Jackie, being approached by Winona, who reveals the existence of a great evil in her universe and the need for his help. The plot effectively introduces the main conflict and sets up the protagonist's journey.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of multiple universes and the protagonist's role in saving them is not entirely unique, the specific circumstances and the blend of ordinary and extraordinary elements add freshness to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jackie and Winona are introduced and their relationship is established. Jackie's initial confusion and disbelief, as well as Winona's urgency and determination, create intrigue and make the audience invested in their journey.

Character Changes: 8

The character of Jackie undergoes a significant change in this scene, transitioning from confusion and disbelief to a sense of purpose and determination. This sets up his character arc for the rest of the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and accept the truth about the existence of multiple universes and his role in saving them. This reflects his deeper desire for purpose and making a difference in the world.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix his tax liability and prevent the government from taking his apartment. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in his everyday life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Winona reveals the existence of a great evil and the imminent danger they face. The tension is further heightened by the sudden attack and Winona's death.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges both in his ordinary life (tax liability) and in the extraordinary revelation of multiple universes and the threat to his existence. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the protagonist is faced with the knowledge of a great evil and the threat of being killed. The audience is immediately drawn into the urgency and danger of the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict, establishing the protagonist's role in it, and creating a sense of urgency and danger. It leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the revelation of multiple universes, the protagonist's role in saving them, and the sudden appearance of a robotic antagonist. These elements keep the audience guessing and create suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's ordinary, mundane life and the extraordinary, fantastical revelation of multiple universes and the responsibility to save them. This challenges his beliefs, values, and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of fear, urgency, and shock. The audience is emotionally invested in the fate of the characters and their mission to save the multiverse.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the information about the multiverse and the conflict, while also revealing the personalities and motivations of the characters. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious and fantastical concept, creates suspense and intrigue, and ends with a cliffhanger. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience curious and invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and tension. The dialogue and action are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and eager to know what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions are properly formatted and organized.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a specific location and introduces the characters and their goals. The scene progresses with dialogue and action, leading to a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong introduction of Winona entering the janitor's closet and revealing her true identity. However, the dialogue between Winona and Jackie feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development and clarity.
  • The transition between the janitor's closet and the tax meeting is abrupt and could be smoother. It would be helpful to have a clearer indication of the change in location.
  • The dialogue in the tax meeting feels a bit disjointed and could be more focused. There are moments where it's unclear what Jackie is referring to or what Winona is trying to convey.
  • The tension and suspense build up well with the revelation that someone is trying to break into the closet. However, the climax of Winona's death and Jackie's attack by Desmond feels rushed and lacks emotional impact.
  • The split-screen technique used to show both the janitor's closet and the tax meeting is effective in creating tension, but it could be utilized more consistently throughout the scene to enhance the visual storytelling.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and details to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and enhance the reader's immersion in the story.
Suggestions
  • Take the time to develop the dialogue between Winona and Jackie, allowing for more clarity and depth in their conversation about the great evil and the fate of the multiverse.
  • Smooth out the transition between the janitor's closet and the tax meeting by providing a clearer indication of the change in location, such as a brief description or a line of dialogue.
  • Refine the dialogue in the tax meeting to make it more focused and coherent, ensuring that the intentions and motivations of the characters are clear to the reader.
  • Build up the climax of Winona's death and Jackie's attack by Desmond by adding more emotional beats and descriptive details to heighten the tension and impact of these moments.
  • Consistently utilize the split-screen technique throughout the scene to enhance the visual storytelling and create a more dynamic and engaging reading experience.
  • Add more visual descriptions and details throughout the scene to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and immerse the reader in the world of the story.



Scene 5 - Meltdown in the Audit
INT. CUBICLE 9TH FLOOR - THAT MOMENT

Jackie’s head snaps to the side as he SCREAMS.
JACKIE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He slowly opens his eyes and realizes he is still in the
audit. Everyone in the office is looking at him.
DESMOND
Good lord.
WINONA
Is everything okay?
Jackie stands up.
JACKIE
Yes, yes of course, everything is
very very okay. But I think I have
to go. I forgot something at home-
DESMOND
Sit down.
Jackie meekly smiles. He looks from Desmond to Winona,
checking to make sure they are really Desmond and Winona.
Jackie sits. Desmond leans in suspiciously.
22.


DESMOND
Is there something you’re not
telling me, Mr. Chan?
JACKIE
Of course not, me? I am a book that
is very open. Nothing to hide.
DESMOND
You think I’m stupid.
JACKIE
No of course not.
Jackie looks to Winona for guidance. She looks just as
scared. Jackie’s body tenses as he clenches his fist below
the desk. Desmond takes his time with his words.
DESMOND
You know, people look at me, and
hear what I do for a living, and
they think "numbers guy, how
boring." But when I look at this
sea of digits and decimals, I see a
story: a dramatic retelling of your
year- no, your life.
He holds up their tax returns and flips through the pages.
Jackie is mostly noticing sharp objects that could be used
as weapons: scissors, a trophy, a letter opener.
DESMOND
So when I start seeing these red
flags pile up, they stop looking
less like mistakes, and start
looking like a man desperate to
hide something- Do you know how
these types of stories end, Mr.
Chan.

JACKIE
I’m sorry, what are you saying?
DESMOND
I’m saying that either you’re
absolutely delusional, or you are
committing fraud to my face.
Jackie quickly pulls out his phone and translates
"delusional". Jackie stands up angrily.
23.

JACKIE
I am not delusional-
Winona grabs his hand and sits him down in his chair. The
divorce papers fall from his pocket onto the ground.

WINONA
Sorry, my husband confuses his
hobbies for businesses. An honest
mistake!
Jackie looks at his wife, hurt. She ignores him.
DESMOND
With this many ’honest mistakes,’
even if you aren’t charged with
fraud, we’ll still have to fine you
for gross negligence.
WINONA
We don’t understand how this all
works, but we are learning. Please
let us go home and fix this. Can we
reschedule?
Desmond crushes his protein shake bottle. Jackie clenches
his fists in anticipation.

DESMOND
Tomorrow morning. 9am. Last chance.
WINONA
Thank you. 9am. Thank you.
As they slowly get up and leave the cubicle, Desmond’s stare
never leaves Jackie.
As Winona grabs her purse, she sees the divorce papers that
fell out of Jackie’s pocket. She picks them up, confused.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary During an audit on the 9th floor, Jackie has a meltdown and screams, but tries to downplay it. Desmond and Winona suspect fraud and question Jackie, who becomes defensive and angry. However, Winona saves the situation by claiming it was an honest mistake. They are given one last chance to fix the errors before the scene ends with Jackie and Winona leaving the cubicle.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Humorous moments
  • Clear character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Lack of visual description

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates tension and humor through dialogue and character interactions. The stakes are high as the protagonist is accused of fraud, and the emotional impact is significant as the protagonist's relationship with his wife is strained.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of an audit and the protagonist's attempt to hide his mistakes while being confronted by the auditor is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the protagonist is caught in a lie and faces the consequences of his actions. The conflict between the protagonist and the auditor adds tension and drives the story forward.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the office setting and the conflict between an auditor and the person being audited are familiar elements, the specific dynamics and dialogue in this scene bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clear. The protagonist's desperation and the auditor's suspicion create compelling dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist experiences a shift in his perception of his actions and the consequences he faces. His relationship with his wife also undergoes strain.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Desmond and Winona that he is not hiding anything and that he is not committing fraud. This reflects his deeper need to maintain his reputation and avoid any legal consequences.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being charged with fraud and to convince Desmond to let him go home and fix the mistakes. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in the audit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist and the auditor is intense and drives the scene. The stakes are high as the protagonist's reputation and financial well-being are at risk.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Desmond suspects Jackie of fraud and confronts him about it. The audience is unsure of how Jackie will respond and whether he will be able to convince Desmond of his innocence.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist's reputation, financial well-being, and relationship with his wife are at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the protagonist's deception and setting up the consequences he will face in the next scene.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about whether Jackie is guilty of fraud or not. The tension and uncertainty surrounding his actions and the reactions of the other characters add to the unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between honesty and deception. Desmond suspects that Jackie is hiding something and accuses him of committing fraud. This challenges Jackie's belief in his own honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes anxiety, confusion, and hurt through the protagonist's reactions and the strained relationship with his wife.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and reveals the characters' personalities and conflicts. The humorous moments provide relief amidst the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with a sense of mystery and suspense. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and eager to know the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in a clear and organized manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear establishing shot and introduces the characters and their goals. The conflict escalates gradually, leading to a climax and a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sudden and dramatic shift in tone as Jackie screams, which may feel jarring and out of place considering the previous scenes.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Desmond feels a bit forced and unnatural, with Jackie's attempts to hide something and Desmond's suspicions coming across as cliché.
  • The use of Jackie noticing sharp objects as potential weapons feels contrived and doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The interaction between Jackie and Winona lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to fully invest in their relationship and the stakes of their situation.
  • The resolution of the conflict feels rushed and lacks a satisfying payoff, with Desmond giving them one last chance without much build-up or tension.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements and actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create a better flow and maintain the audience's interest.
  • The dialogue could be more nuanced and authentic, with characters expressing their emotions and motivations in a more organic and believable way.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the opening of the scene to create a smoother transition from the previous scenes and establish the tension and conflict more gradually.
  • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Desmond to make it more unique and specific to their characters, avoiding clichés and predictable exchanges.
  • Reconsider the use of Jackie noticing sharp objects as potential weapons, and instead focus on more meaningful and character-driven actions.
  • Deepen the emotional connection between Jackie and Winona by exploring their history and motivations, allowing the audience to empathize with their struggles.
  • Build up the conflict between Jackie and Desmond more effectively, increasing the stakes and creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.
  • Introduce more visual elements and actions that enhance the storytelling and provide a visual representation of the characters' emotions and conflicts.
  • Refine the pacing of the scene by trimming unnecessary dialogue and actions, and focusing on the most impactful moments.
  • Work on the dialogue to make it more authentic and nuanced, allowing the characters to express their emotions and motivations in a natural and believable way.



Scene 6 - Escape and Betrayal
INT. 9TH FLOOR HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Jackie briskly pulls Winona towards the elevator
periodically looking behind his shoulder.
JACKIE
We have to get out of here.
Meanwhile, Winona looks at the unsigned divorce papers and
stops in her tracks. She puts her hand over her mouth.

Jackie stops and looks past Winona to see Desmond charging
out of his cubicle in their direction. He’s coming for them.
24.

WINONA
(whispered)
I understand why you were acting so
strange. I’m sorry you had to find
out like this.

JACKIE
What are you talking about?
Winona holds up the divorce papers. From Jackie’s
perspective all he sees are the written instructions, from
Winona’s perspective she sees divorce papers.
JACKIE
You know about this?
WINONA
Of course... this came from me.
JACKIE
What do we do now?
WINONA
We cannot avoid having this fight.
JACKIE
Right now?

WINONA
What else is there to do? We can’t
just run away from this. I’m sorry.

Jackie looks behind Winona and sees Desmond is getting
closer. He understands. He stops and turns to Winona.
JACKIE
Winona, I know that I’ve let you
down in so many ways over the years
that you’ve stood by my side. You
must see me as failure, both as a
father and a husband.
Winona leans in close. Her eyes begin to water.
JACKIE
And that’s why I’m going to prove
you wrong.
WINONA
What...?

Jackie pushes past Winona and PUNCHES Desmond in the face.
Desmond’s body crumples on the ground.
25.


WINONA
What are you doing?!!
Jackie sees Desmond is holding Jackie’s briefcase that he
had left behind. The triumphant look on Jackie’s face fades
away as he begins to realize he has made a grave mistake.
Desmond cowers in fear with his hands over his head. People
run over to see what the commotion is about.
DESMOND
Help! Call security!

Jackie looks at Winona hoping for some clarity.
WINONA
Jackie... You can’t just hit
people!
JACKIE
You told me to do it!
WINONA
Are you CRAZY?!
JACKIE
I never want to hurt anyone. You
said its time to fight!
WINONA
I was talking about us.

Winona lifts up the crumpled up divorce papers.
JACKIE
(reading)
"Dissolution of marriage"?
DESMOND
(oh phone)
Yes! I’m on floor 7. I don’t know
what he wants, I don’t know if he’s
armed...
Desmond has a phone pushed to his ear as he pulls tissues
from a box and begins to wipe his bleeding nose.
Jackie grabs Winona’s shoulders and begins moving them away.
Bystanders watch cautiously as they tip-toe by.
JACKIE
Who gave you those?
26.

WINONA
Nobody gave them to me. We’re not
happy, Jackie.
Jackie and Winona walk briskly towards the elevator.

JACKIE
Your sister gets divorced and now
you think divorce is okay!
WINONA
I don’t think it’s okay!
JACKIE
Then what are you doing? We love
each other! Right?

Winona stops, forcing Jackie to turn around.
WINONA (CONT.)
Jackie... I just wish you and I...
She slowly lowers her head as if to hide her tears.

Suddenly Winona’s head shoots up. Her eyes penetrate
straight through Jackie and she switches back to English:
WINONA
(English)
I told you to stay low and out of
sight.

Winona grabs Jackie and they run towards the elevators.
JACKIE
I thought they were after me!
WINONA
You’ll know when they’re after you.
Winona rapidly taps the elevator call button.
The elevator door opens. It’s filled with security guards.
WINONA
They’re after you.
DESMOND (O.S.)
That’s him. The Chinese guy!
Desmond stands with an accusatory finger aimed at Jackie.

One security guard slowly exits the elevator with a hand on
his holster and the other hand cautiously reaching out.
27.

GUARD
Everyone remain calm. I’m going to
need you two to lie down on the
ground with your hands behind your
head.

Jackie obediently begins to lie down.
Winona reaches down and takes Jackie’s blue tooth from his
ears and places them in her own. She does not lie down.
GUARD
Ma’am, please comply. We do not
want any trouble.
Winona reaches into her purse. The security guards all draw
their weapons.
She pulls out her lipstick. The guards all relax.
GUARD
Whatever you are thinking about
doing, don’t do it.

She pops open the lipstick cap, twists it to fully extend
the stick, and then she eats the whole thing.
GUARD
Ma’am...?
She chews and chews. The guards all lower their guns,
confused

The bluetooth VIBRATES and glows GREEN. She presses the
button. Her head snaps back as if kicked back by a shotgun.
She opens her eyes and flashes a devious smile to Jackie.

A security guard walks over and reaches to grab her arm.
GUARD
Okay, that’s enough-
Winona suddenly grips his arm and snaps it behind his back.
He falls to his knees in pain. She axe kicks his head.
Just as the guards are about to fire their pistols. She
swings her leg in a large arc, knocking their guns from
their hands. As they charge in to grapple her and take her
down with their batons, she deftly fights her way out of the
tangle. All of a sudden, she is an incredible fighter.

From the floor Jackie watches in SLOW MOTION, as his wife
fights off every last guard. Confused. Impressed. In love.
28.


Winona knocks the last guard out. Everyone is frozen unsure
of what to do.
Suddenly an ALARM begins to blare across the entire
building. Everyone begins to frantically run for an exit.
Jackie stands up panicked and confused.
JACKIE
Do you really want to divorce me?
Winona slaps him.
WINONA
I’m not the Winona who wants to
divorce you, I’m the Winona who is
saving your life.
She picks him up like a fireman and runs away.
WINONA
But, you should just try to be
nicer to the Winona who wants to
divorce you. She’s going through a
lot right now.

CLOSET UNIVERSE - INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET

Jackie and Winona’s dead bodies lie in a pile on the floor.
A small boot steps into the foreground. Its Jobu. She looks
down at the bodies. She reaches down and pulls the earpiece
from Jackie’s ear and examines it.
Behind her, Desmond stares ominously at the evidence.
JOBU
Not this one.
Jobu tilts her head back. She can hear something: THE
GARBLED SOUND OF A FUZZY RADIO SIGNAL.
Jobu rotates her head and Click! Click! click! We wind
through different universes:
CLICK - She’s stuck in traffic.
CLICK - She’s working as a barista at a cafe.
CLICK - She’s in her apartment with her wife eating lunch.

The FUZZY RADIO SIGNAL suddenly becomes clear:
29.
Genres: ["Action","Drama"]

Summary Jackie pulls Winona towards the elevator while periodically looking behind his shoulder. Winona looks at the unsigned divorce papers and stops in her tracks. Desmond charges out of his cubicle towards them. Winona reveals that she knows about the divorce papers and they argue about their relationship. Jackie punches Desmond in the face, but realizes he made a mistake when he sees Desmond holding his briefcase. Desmond calls for security. Jackie and Winona argue about divorce while running towards the elevators. Winona eats a lipstick and fights off the security guards. An alarm starts blaring and everyone runs for an exit. Winona reveals she is saving Jackie's life and they escape together. The scene ends with Jackie and Winona's dead bodies in a janitor's closet and Jobu examining Jackie's earpiece.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Effective dialogue
  • Surprising twist
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shift in tone and genre

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written and engaging, with a good balance of action and emotional moments. The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' feelings and motivations. The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds excitement and intrigue to the scene. The only weakness is the confusion caused by the sudden shift in tone and genre.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a couple facing a divorce while being chased by security guards is interesting and creates tension. The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds a unique element to the scene. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre, which may confuse the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and engaging, with a clear goal for the characters (escaping the security guards) and obstacles they must overcome (the divorce papers and the guards). The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds excitement and raises the stakes. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of characters trying to escape from someone who is chasing them is familiar, the use of different languages and the unexpected twist of the protagonist's wife being a skilled fighter adds a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively conveyed through dialogue and actions. Jackie's realization of his failures and determination to prove himself adds depth to his character. Winona's conflicted feelings and her unexpected fighting skills make her a compelling character. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Character Changes: 8

Jackie experiences a significant character change in the scene, realizing his failures and making a commitment to prove himself. This change adds depth to his character and drives the plot forward. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove to his wife that he is not a failure as a father and husband.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the person who is chasing them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing both internal and external conflicts. The internal conflict between Jackie and Winona regarding their relationship and the external conflict with the security guards create tension and drive the scene. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is being chased by someone and faces obstacles in trying to escape. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing the threat of divorce and being chased by security guards. The twist of Winona's fighting skills raises the stakes even further. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and raising the stakes for the characters. The twist of Winona's fighting skills adds excitement and intrigue. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists, such as the protagonist's wife being a skilled fighter and the sudden alarm blaring in the building. These elements keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the characters expressing regret, confusion, and love. The audience can empathize with their struggles and feel the tension and intensity of the situation. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The apology and confession of failures by Jackie and Winona's explanation of her feelings add depth to the scene. The only weakness is the sudden shift in tone and genre.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it is filled with action, suspense, and unexpected twists. The fast-paced dialogue and the characters' desperate situation keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with a clear setting and introduces the conflict, builds tension, and resolves with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a sense of urgency as Jackie pulls Winona towards the elevator, but it quickly becomes confusing and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona lacks clarity and purpose. It's not clear why Winona suddenly reveals that she knows about the divorce papers and wants to have a fight right then and there.
  • The transition from Jackie punching Desmond to Winona fighting off security guards feels abrupt and out of place. It's not clear how Winona suddenly becomes an incredible fighter.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or payoff. It ends with Jackie and Winona's dead bodies in a janitor's closet, which leaves the reader with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose and motivation behind Winona revealing that she knows about the divorce papers. Is she trying to provoke a reaction from Jackie or is she genuinely hurt?
  • Develop the fight scene between Winona and the security guards more organically. Show how she gains the upper hand and why she is suddenly an incredible fighter.
  • Consider reworking the ending to provide a clearer resolution or cliffhanger. It's important to leave the reader with a sense of closure or anticipation for what comes next.



Scene 7 - Escape and Verse Jumping
INT. JOBU’S APARTMENT

NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)
... while there have been reports
of several injuries, there has
still been no word on who was
behind the attack and what their
motives may have been...
Jobu’s head turns sharply in the direction of the TV.
On the TV, we can see a helicopter shot of crowds of people
exiting the IRS Building.

BECKY
Can we turn that off? I’m sick of
all this bad news, every single-
Jobu abruptly stands up and leaves her half eaten sandwich
on the table. She marches towards the door, scooping up
their orange house cat, LINUS, on her way out.
BECKY
Where are you going?

JOBU
(without looking)
Don’t follow me.

She’s out the door.
Becky runs to the window and watches in horror as Jobu steps
onto their cat’s back, and pulls it’s tail up, shape
shifting it into a handlebar shape.
With a rev of Linus’ tail, the cat’s mouth opens, a jet of
fire bursts from his throat, and Jobu rockets off down the
street.
Becky looks on in disbelief.


INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR HALLWAY - LATER
Winona is pulling Jackie along through the hallway. They are
passing small groups of frantic civilians running to safety.
JACKIE
But my wife never learned to fight.
WINONA
Not in this life.
30.


JACKIE
So you know how to fight?
WINONA
Not in my life either.
JACKIE
How many Winonas are there?
WINONA
A lot. I know it gets confusing.
You can call me Alpha Winona, I’m
from the Alphaverse.
JACKIE
Alphaverse? That sounds stupid.
ALPHA WINONA
You were the one who came up with
the name, remember? How much of my
speech in the closet did you
actually hear?

JACKIE
(lying)
Most of it.
Winona suddenly stops at a corner and puts her hand up.
She’s listening to something.
She starts doing a dance. The Y.M.C.A to be exact.

She closes her eyes, presses the greet blue tooth button.
ALPHA WINONA
Two guards coming up the stairs.
Try to blend in.
JACKIE
What-
ALPHA WINONA
(pretend screaming)
Oh my god, oh my god, what is
happening?
Out of nowhere, a group of frantic civilians run past Winona
and Jackie. Winona grabs Jackie, still screaming, and joins
the group.
A door opens and two guards come running up the stairs. They
run right past the group, not noticing Jackie and Winona.
31.


As soon as the guards pass out of sight, Winona stops
screaming and pulls Jackie into a cubicle.


INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Winona is frantically searching the desk drawers for
something.
JACKIE
Alpha? I don’t remember naming
something Alphaverse.

ALPHA WINONA
Not you here. My Jackie. From my
universe.
The camera pushes into Winona’s head: We zoom through
countless universes until we reach:

ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

In a chair with an array of wires and cables flowing from
every angle, sits Alpha Winona. She pulls out a locket on
her necklace. Inside is a photo of Jackie. He’s got the
Steve Jobs glasses and turtleneck look.

ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
You were a brilliant man in my
world. But most people thought you
were crazy.

OFFICER #1
Setting course for another local
jump. Stand by for trajectory.

We reveal a dimly lit room filled with computer screens and
wires. A handful of people move from console to console,
pulling levers and switching knobs. It looks less like a
sci-fi movie and more like the back of a Radioshack. We see
an ever changing flow of data and graphics on the screens.
ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
In your search to prove the
existence of other universes, you
discovered a way to temporarily
create a link between your
consciousness and that of another
version of you, a counterpart in
another universe. While this
connection was maintained, you had
access to all of their memories,
(MORE)
32.


ALPHA WINONA (V.O.) (cont’d)
their skills, even their emotions.
You were in two places at once.

INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR CUBICLE - PRESENT UNIVERSE
JACKIE
Like the Janitor’s closet.
ALPHA WINONA
Exactly. It’s called Verse Jumping.

She finds an egg timer and twists it. It begins ticking as
she sets it down. She reaches under the desk feeling around
for something.
JACKIE
Did I come up with that name too?
ALPHA WINONA
That doesn’t matter right now.

Winona finds a piece of chewed up gum stuck under the desk.
She eyes it for a moment before popping it in her mouth.
Jackie is appalled.
She closes her eyes and presses the blue tooth.
ALPHA WINONA
(spitting out gum)
There is an empty office three
doors to the right, we run when I
say go.
Jackie backs away from her frustrated.

JACKIE
No! This is crazy... Why can’t your
Jackie do this?
ALPHA WINONA
My Jackie is dead.
Winona looks down for a moment. Beat.
ALPHA WINONA
Go.
JACKIE
What?
33.


Winona runs out of the cubicle. Jackie follows behind. They
enter into an office three doors down, just as another group
of security guards sweep past.

INT. IRS 9TH FLOOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Jackie and Winona are lying under a desk just inches away
from each other. Winona stares into Jackie’s eyes lovingly.
He quickly looks away.
JACKIE
How did I die?
ALPHA WINONA
I’ve seen you killed a thousand
ways. In a thousand universes.
JACKIE
Why? Who wants me dead?
ALPHA WINONA
An evil interversal being with an
unimaginable power, Jobu Tupaki.
JACKIE
Are you just making up words now?

Winona puts her hand on Jackie’s lips.
BANG. Down the hallway, a door is kicked down.

Jackie and Winona both go quiet.
BANG. Another one. Closer. Winona doesn’t seemed fazed.
Jackie can see boots through the crack of their office door.
They are about to open the door.
Suddenly a RINGING sound. It’s the egg timer. The boots all
leave the door.
Winona gets up and drags Jackie out the door. They run into
a stairwell.

INT. IRS STAIRWELL
They can hear police down the stairwell. They speak in
hushed whispers:
34.


ALPHA WINONA
We’ll have to find another exit.
Winona heads up the stairs. Jackie chases after her.

JACKIE
Wait. I don’t understand- why is
someone hunting me down?
ALPHA WINONA
I’ve been trying to answer that
question for years.

She opens the door to the next floor.
Genres: ["Action","Sci-Fi","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Jobu abruptly leaves his sandwich and transforms their cat into a handlebar shape, riding it out of the apartment. Meanwhile, Winona and Jackie hide from security guards in an office and discuss the concept of Verse Jumping. They hear police in the stairwell and plan to find another exit. The conflict of danger posed by security guards and the unknown entity hunting down Jackie is temporarily resolved as Winona and Jackie hide and plan their escape. The scene ends with them planning to find another exit to evade the danger.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Unique concept
  • Humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be further explored
  • Theme could be more developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging and intriguing, with a mix of suspense, humor, and mystery. The concept of verse jumping adds an exciting and unique element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of verse jumping is innovative and adds depth to the story. It introduces the idea of multiple universes and the existence of different versions of the same character.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and keeps the audience engaged. The scene introduces the conflict of someone hunting down the protagonist and sets up the need for escape.

Originality: 9

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its blend of contemporary urban setting with fantastical elements. The concept of verse jumping and the use of a shape-shifting cat as a vehicle are fresh and unique. The dialogue and character interactions also have a distinct and authentic feel.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are interesting and have unique traits, such as Alpha Winona's knowledge of multiple universes and Jackie's connection to other versions of himself. However, there is room for further development and exploration of their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development, with Jackie learning about his other versions and the danger he is in. However, there is room for further exploration of character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Jobu's internal goal in this scene is to confront a threat and protect himself and possibly others. This reflects his need for control and his desire to be a hero.

External Goal: 7

Jobu's external goal in this scene is to escape the danger and find safety. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being pursued by an interversal being.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene has a high level of conflict, with the protagonist being hunted down and needing to escape. The tension is heightened by the presence of security guards and the need to blend in.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. The characters face obstacles and are pursued by security guards, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the protagonist being hunted down and needing to escape. The presence of security guards and the danger of being discovered adds to the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of verse jumping, establishing the conflict, and setting up the need for escape. It provides important information for the audience to understand the world of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces fantastical elements and unexpected plot twists, such as Jobu shape-shifting the cat into a vehicle. The audience is kept on their toes, not knowing what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of horror, surprise, and disbelief. The audience is invested in the characters' survival and wants to know more about the concept of verse jumping.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and humorous, adding to the overall tone of the scene. It also provides important information about the concept of verse jumping and the existence of multiple Winonas.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of action, humor, and fantasy. The fast-paced dialogue and imaginative visuals keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The action sequences are well-paced, and the dialogue exchanges have a good rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the characters, establishes the conflict, and advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jobu abruptly leaving his sandwich and transforming their cat into a handlebar shape, which feels random and disconnected from the rest of the story. It's unclear why this moment is included and how it relates to the overall plot.
  • The dialogue between Winona and Jackie in the IRS 9th floor hallway feels forced and unnatural. The conversation about multiple Winonas and the Alphaverse is confusing and lacks clarity.
  • The transition to the AlphaVerse control room feels abrupt and disorienting. It's not clear how this scene connects to the previous one and what its purpose is in the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Alpha Winona and Officer #1 in the control room is exposition-heavy and lacks subtlety. It would be more effective to reveal this information through actions and visuals rather than relying on dialogue.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and suspense. The danger posed by security guards and the unknown entity hunting down Jackie is not effectively conveyed.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with some moments dragging on and others feeling rushed.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and engaging, helping to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the reader with unanswered questions and a lack of resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking the opening of the scene to better connect it to the main plot and establish a clear purpose for Jobu's actions.
  • Simplify the dialogue between Winona and Jackie in the IRS hallway, focusing on conveying essential information and character dynamics.
  • Reconsider the inclusion of the AlphaVerse control room scene and find a more seamless way to introduce the concept of multiple universes.
  • Find ways to show the danger and suspense through actions and visuals, creating a more engaging and immersive experience for the reader.
  • Work on pacing the scene to maintain a consistent level of tension and keep the reader engaged throughout.
  • Revise the visual descriptions to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting, helping to immerse the reader in the story.
  • Provide a more satisfying resolution to the scene, either by answering some of the unanswered questions or setting up a clear direction for the next scene.



Scene 8 - Desmond's Chase and Jackie's Leap
INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
The stairwell door slams shut behind them to reveal:
DESMOND
There you are.

Desmond stands behind them. He is wearing his own modified
bluetooth headset.
JACKIE
Oh, Mr. Desmond, I’m sorry I was
very confused before and-
Desmond picks up a post-it note and staples it to his
forehead. Jackie recoils.

JACKIE
What’s he doing?
ALPHA WINONA
He’s verse jumping. Run!
Desmond closes his eyes, clicks his GREEN blue-tooth. His
head cocks back. He opens his eyes and flips a table with
incredible strength.
Alpha Winona pushes a cabinet down in their way and they
begin to run.
The camera pushes into Winona’s head-
35.


ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

Everyone is jumping to their battle stations. The energy is
frantic.

OFFICER #1
He jumped somewhere: brute force.
Sumo wrestler? Body Builder?
ALPHA WINONA
Doesn’t matter. Counter with
someone agile.

We see a screen with a cluster of circles each representing
other universes. The interface rapidly scans the circles.
Three or four begin to blink.
OFFICER #2
On your outskirts we’ve got break
dancer, mime, gymnast-
ALPHA WINONA
Give me gymnast! Go!

On the screen, we see rapidly flashing images of gymnasts.
OFFICER #1
Calculating route...

INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

Meanwhile, Alpha Winona and Jackie search for
cover. Desmond flings cubicle walls and desks aside looking
for them.


ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
On one of the screens, we see random paths from a central
circle to a highlighted circle that reads "Gymnast". The
various paths flash rapidly like lightning bolts on the
screen. Finally one path solidifies. "ROUTE FOUND"
OFFICER #1
Paper cuts. Four of them between
each finger.
36.

INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
Winona spots some paper hanging from a bulletin board. She
rips some off and continues to run.

She starts trying to slice paper cuts in between her
fingers. But it’s not working.
ALPHA WINONA
Paper cuts only happen when you
aren’t trying. It’s impossible.
OFFICER #1 (O.S.)
Probability of 1 in 8 thousand.
It’s the strongest jumping pad
we’ve got.

Frustrated, Alpha Winona gets down on one knee and begins
concentrating on giving herself a paper cut.
JACKIE
What are you doing??!

SLICE. One down.
Desmond is closing in on them.
SLICE. Two down.

Desmond picks up a computer monitor and throws it. It barely
misses Jackie’s head.

JACKIE
Come on! We have to run.
SLICE. Three down.
Winona is struggling with the last paper cut.
SLICE. That’s four. Winona closes her eyes, the blue tooth
turns GREEN. Winona is about to press the button.
Desmond catches her hand just before she can hit it. He
lifts her tiny body up in the air with one arm.
He slowly plucks each blue-tooth out of Winona’s ears and
they tumble to the ground. Winona struggles to get out but
there’s no use, he has the grip of an arm wrestler.
He opens the door to a nearby staircase and throws her down
the stairwell. He shuts the door and pushes a large filing
cabinet in front of the door.
He turns. Jackie is all alone.
37.

ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
OFFICER #1
He’s gotta run.
ALPHA WINONA
Maybe he can jump. Somewhere he can
fight.

OFFICER #2
He’s not ready. A jump like that
will fry most people’s brains.
ALPHA WINONA
He’s not most people.

INT. STAIRWELL

Winona is trying to push through the door. It won’t budge.

INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

Jackie is crawling on his hand and knees through the
cubicles. Desmond has lost sight of him for the time being.
Jackie’s phone vibrates. Winona is calling him.

ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Jackie! Can you hear me? You’re
going to have to jump. You’re going
to have to fight.

JACKIE
No, no more fighting. Can’t we just
talk?
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Jackie! You are in a war now! You
can’t just kill the bad guys with
kindness!
Jackie lets this sink in. He spots the two blue-tooths on
the floor. He picks them up and places them in his ears.
JACKIE
Okay.
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Concentrate on a universe in which
you stuck with martial arts your
whole life.
38.

JACKIE
I only took three classes when I
was little boy!
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Just do it!
Jackie closes his eyes.


ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
On one of the screens we see rapidly flashing images: Kung
Fu masters, a baby crying, a deer in the headlights, etc.
OFFICER #2
He’s not concentrating. I’m having
trouble locking in on the verse.

The lightning strike patterns of paths begin blinking across
the screen. "CALCULATING PATH".


INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
As Jackie heads for a hallway, a desk crashes into the wall
blocking his path. Jackie turns and runs the other way.

JACKIE
(to Winona)
I’m gunna press the button.
ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
Wait! You have to profess your love
to Desmond.
JACKIE
What? Why?

ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
It’s like eating the lipstick. Or
switching your shoes.

ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
On the screen we see the highlighted path through the foam
of bubbles. We see the center universe marked Point A
(Current Verse) where Jackie is. Far outside from the
Current Verse is a highlighted universe marked Point C
(Fighter Universe). Along the path, on the outside of the
local cluster, is Point B (A Universe where Jackie professes
his love to his Attacker).
39.

ALPHA WINONA VO
It takes an immense amount of
mental energy to jump to far
universes. But you developed an
algorithm that calculates which
unlikely actions will suddenly put
you in a universe on the edge of
your local cluster, giving you the
momentum needed to reach your
desired counterpart. It’s your
jumping pad.
Genres: ["Action","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Desmond catches up to Alpha Winona and Jackie in the IRS building and begins verse jumping. Alpha Winona and Jackie try to escape while Alpha Winona communicates with the control room to find a counter. Jackie is urged to jump to a universe where he is a skilled fighter and must profess his love to Desmond to gain the momentum needed to reach his desired counterpart. The scene ends with Jackie jumping to a universe where he is a skilled fighter and professing his love to Desmond, gaining the momentum needed to reach his desired counterpart.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Unique concept
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and filled with intense action and suspense. The concept of verse jumping and using paper cuts as a jumping pad is unique and innovative. The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and excitement of the scene. The theme of fighting against a powerful enemy is effectively portrayed. The conflict level is high, and the emotional impact is strong. The scene moves the story forward and raises the stakes for the characters. The strengths of the scene include its intense action, unique concept, and well-developed characters. The weaknesses are minimal and do not significantly impact the overall quality of the scene.


    Story Content

    Concept: 9

    The concept of verse jumping and using paper cuts as a jumping pad is highly innovative and adds a unique element to the scene. It creates a sense of urgency and danger for the characters as they try to escape from Desmond.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene introduces the concept of verse jumping and establishes the conflict between the characters and Desmond. It sets up the action and suspense that follows in the scene.

    Originality: 9

    The level of originality in this scene is high. The concept of jumping between parallel universes and the use of paper cuts as a jumping pad are unique and fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and excitement of the scene. Alpha Winona is determined and resourceful, while Jackie is initially hesitant but becomes more courageous as the scene progresses. Desmond is portrayed as a powerful and menacing antagonist.

    Character Changes: 8

    Jackie undergoes a character change as he initially hesitates to fight but eventually embraces his role in the battle. His transformation adds depth to his character and contributes to the overall tension and excitement of the scene.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his fear and reluctance to fight and embrace his role as a warrior in the war against Desmond. This reflects his deeper need for self-confidence and his desire to protect himself and others.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Desmond and find a way to fight back. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being pursued by a powerful enemy.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict level is high as the characters are pursued by Desmond and must find a way to escape. The scene is filled with intense action and suspense, raising the stakes for the characters.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is pursued by a powerful enemy and faces obstacles in his attempt to escape. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these challenges.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high as the characters are pursued by Desmond and must find a way to escape. Their lives are in danger, adding to the intensity and suspense of the scene.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of verse jumping and establishing the conflict between the characters. It sets up the action and suspense that follows in the scene.

    Unpredictability: 8

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the use of paper cuts as a jumping pad and the protagonist's need to profess his love to his attacker. These unexpected twists add to the tension and keep the audience guessing.

    Philosophical Conflict: 9

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in non-violence and his realization that he must fight in order to survive and protect others. This challenges his values and worldview.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes fear and determination in the audience. The intense action and suspense, coupled with the characters' struggles, create a strong emotional impact.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds to the tension and suspense of the scene. The dialogue between Alpha Winona and Jackie highlights their contrasting personalities and their determination to fight against Desmond.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it combines intense action, witty dialogue, and a sense of urgency. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's journey and is invested in the outcome of the battle against Desmond.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are tightly woven together, creating a sense of urgency and keeping the reader engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions in a clear and organized manner.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and builds tension through action and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks clear and concise descriptions, making it difficult to visualize the actions and movements of the characters.
    • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, especially in the interaction between Jackie and Alpha Winona.
    • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with some moments feeling rushed and others dragging on.
    • There is a lack of emotional depth and tension in the scene, which is crucial for a tense and suspenseful tone.
    • The use of the AlphaVerse control room and the concept of verse jumping is introduced abruptly and without proper explanation, making it confusing for the audience.
    • The actions and decisions of the characters are not always clear or motivated, making it difficult to understand their intentions and goals.
    Suggestions
    • Provide more specific and vivid descriptions of the characters' actions and movements to enhance visual clarity.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
    • Ensure consistent pacing throughout the scene by balancing moments of action and dialogue.
    • Build tension and suspense by incorporating more internal thoughts and reactions from the characters.
    • Introduce the concept of verse jumping and the AlphaVerse control room earlier in the screenplay to provide proper context and understanding.
    • Clarify the motivations and goals of the characters to make their actions and decisions more believable and relatable.



    Scene 9 - Jackie's Desperate Escape
    INT. 10TH FLOOR
    Jackie is quietly crawling through the cubicles, as Desmond
    stalks through the floor like a minotaur in his maze.
    JACKIE
    That doesn’t make any sense!
    ALPHA WINONA
    Exactly. The less sense it makes,
    the better. Tell him you love him.
    And mean it!
    Suddenly Desmond’s foot steps right in front of Jackie’s
    face. Jackie looks up at Desmond in terror.

    JACKIE
    (meekly)
    I love you?

    The earpiece blinks YELLOW. Jackie goes to press the button.
    ALPHA WINONA
    Wait! Jackie don’t-

    Jackie pushes the button.
    Jackie’s mind launches out the building and we land in the
    car with Jackie and Winona driving home.

    TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie and Winona are sitting in a car. Jackie suddenly
    realizes he is driving the car and swerves off into the
    breakdown lane.
    WINONA.TAXES
    What are you doing?!
    Jackie chokes on his words.
    40.


    ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

    ALPHA WINONA
    Where is he? Did he make it?

    ON SCREEN: We see the moment in the Audit where Jackie drops
    the divorce papers on the floor, only this time they never
    fall and Winona never sees them.
    OFFICER #1
    He’s in a divergent universe: he
    went home after the audit without
    an incident.
    ALPHA WINONA
    (gravely)
    He’s going home to finish his
    taxes.

    INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie panics and tries to punch Desmond. Desmond easily
    catches his wrist and twists it. Jackie screams out in pain.
    He laughs and slaps Jackie in the face over and over.


    TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie tries to conceal his pain.

    WINONA.TAXES
    I didn’t mean to spring it on you
    like this. Are you okay?
    JACKIE.TAXES
    (strained)
    Everything is fine.

    WINONA.TAXES
    I’m sorry, I had to do it like this
    because you never tell me whats in
    your head... and before we get a
    chance to talk about it, you get
    pulled away by something else-
    An arm grabs Jackie’s collar and pulls him away-
    41.


    INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

    Desmond lifts Jackie over his own head like a professional
    wrestler. He throws Jackie through a cubicle wall. He rolls
    onto the floor, the wind is knocked out of him. The blue
    tooth light goes out: he’s disconnected. The split screen is
    gone.
    Jackie realizes he is right next to the stairwell that
    Winona is trapped in. Jackie rolls over and begins to push
    the cabinet out of the way from the door.
    ALPHA WINONA
    I’m sorry, Jackie. I gotta go.
    JACKIE
    What?

    INT. STAIRWELL
    Winona has her hand pressed against the door gently.

    ALPHA WINONA
    I need to find the right Jackie.
    And this one... I don’t think its
    the one. Sorry.

    Jackie pushes the cabinet away.
    JACKIE
    Wait, no! Let me try again!

    He swings open the door. He sees Winona standing in the
    stairwell. She looks utterly confused.
    WINONA
    (Chinese)
    Jackie! What’s going on?

    Alpha Winona is gone. Jackie shakes his head. He can hear
    Desmond approaching. He quickly pushes Winona back into the
    stairwell and shuts the door tight.
    WINONA
    Jackie! Your face.
    Jackie’s nose is bleeding and his face is bruised.
    JACKIE
    You left me. You just left me.
    42.

    WINONA
    I haven’t left you yet. I just want
    to talk about it.
    JACKIE
    That’s not what I’m talking about.
    WINONA
    What are you talking about?

    There is a loud BANGING on the door.
    WINONA
    What did you get us into this time?
    Her look of pained disappointment stabs Jackie in the heart.
    His bluetooth begins to malfunction and flash GREEN:


    TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR [SPLIT SCREEN]
    Jackie is back in the car.
    WINONA.TAXES
    I was just really hoping we could
    finish this audit without the usual
    back and forth. Without all the
    pain. But I don’t know why I
    expected this time to be different.

    Jackie looks down at the folded divorce papers he hides.

    INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

    Jackie looks up at Winona with a new determination.
    JACKIE
    I know what you think of me.
    WINONA
    What are you talking about?

    JACKIE
    You’re wrong. This time is
    different.
    He kicks open the door.
    Jackie turns to see Desmond leap off a desk and straight
    into the air right towards Jackie.
    On his knees he finally gives in.
    43.

    JACKIE
    (like a prayer)
    I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
    The blue-tooth turns GREEN. He presses the button.

    A shock goes through Jackie’s brain. Just as Desmond’s knee
    is about to make contact with Jackie’s nose, time slows down
    to a crawl.
    The camera patiently pushes into Jackie’s head: The camera
    moves through countless universes and stops:


    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT LIMOUSINE
    The Martial Arts Super Star Jackie lounges in his limo with
    a handful of handlers.
    Jackie rapidly downloads all of the memories that
    Jackie.Fighter has had since their significant life branch
    occurred.

    IN A QUICK SEQUENCE OF SHOTS, THE CAMERA IS PUSHING THROUGH
    VIGNETTES AS IF A TRAIN GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL. WE SEE:

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. HONG KONG AIRPORT - 1970S

    Jackie and Winona, in their early 20’s, Winona has her bags
    packed and ready to go.

    WINONA
    Can’t you see it? How wonderful it
    would be if you came with me?
    The screen fractures like a prism, and we see two options:
    one universe where Jackie follows her, and one where he
    doesn’t.
    We follow the universe in which Jackie.Fighter doesn’t:

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. HONG KONG BAR - LATER
    Jackie.Fighter is in a bar, getting drunk by himself.
    Someone knocks their bag into his head as they are walking
    by. Jackie.Fighter gets up and drunkenly pushes the man
    down. Cut forward in time:
    Jackie.Fighter is lying in the dirt outside bleeding.

    A foot steps into frame. Jackie looks up to see an old man
    with a long beard: classic Kung Fu Master. He beckons.
    44.


    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - EXT. WOODS - LATER

    Jackie.Fighter is going through all of the classic training
    montage moments: carrying buckets of water up and down a
    mountain, doing push ups, breaking clay pots with his fists,
    but its as if a movie is being fast forwarded.

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. KUNG FU COMPETITION
    Jackie.Fighter executes a perfect kick to his opponents
    face. SMASH CUT TO:

    He is being honored with a medal. He looks at his Master
    with a great pride. His Master bows his head. A man with a
    cigar and sunglasses seems very impressed.

    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - SUPER STAR MONTAGE
    A montage of Jackie.Fighter working with the sunglasses man
    on a film set. Then another one and another one. We see a
    montage of Jackie Chan’s classic Chinese films.


    FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. HONG KONG BEDROOM - LATER
    Many years have passed and now the Master is on his death
    bed. Jackie.Fighter huddles near the bed, holding his hands.
    MASTER
    ... never forget why you fight...

    The Master breathes his last breath. We push into
    Jackie.Fighter’s head:
    Genres: ["Action","Romance","Fantasy"]

    Summary In this tense and dramatic scene, Jackie crawls through cubicles while being stalked by Desmond. Alpha Winona instructs Jackie to tell Desmond that she loves him, and Jackie meekly complies. Jackie's mind then launches out of the building and into a car with Jackie and Winona driving home. In the car, Jackie realizes he is driving and swerves off the road. Meanwhile, in the control room, Alpha Winona learns that Jackie made it home safely. Back in the car, Winona expresses disappointment that they can't finish the audit without pain. Jackie's bluetooth malfunctions and he is pulled away by Desmond. Jackie is thrown through a cubicle wall and lands near the stairwell where Winona is trapped. He starts pushing a cabinet away from the door. Alpha Winona tells Jackie he has to go and that this version of him is not the right one. Jackie opens the door and sees Winona in the stairwell, but he pushes her back and shuts the door when Desmond approaches. Jackie kicks open the door and tells Winona he loves her before pressing a button on his bluetooth. Time slows down as Desmond's knee is about to hit Jackie's nose. The camera then pushes into Jackie's head and stops in a universe where Jackie becomes a martial arts superstar, ending the scene.
    Strengths
    • Intense action
    • Emotional depth
    • Suspenseful plot twists
    • Impactful dialogue
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a mix of intense action, emotional moments, and unexpected twists. The dialogue is impactful and the theme of love and sacrifice adds depth to the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of divergent universes and the ability to travel between them adds an intriguing layer to the story. It allows for exploration of different possibilities and creates suspense and tension.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The conflict between Jackie and Desmond escalates, leading to a pivotal moment where Jackie must make a choice.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its use of alternate universes and the concept of traveling between them. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and unique to their individual personalities.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are clear. Jackie's determination and love for Winona drive the plot forward, while Desmond's menacing presence adds tension.

      Character Changes: 8

      Jackie undergoes a significant change in this scene, from fear and confusion to determination and self-sacrifice. His love for Winona drives him to confront Desmond and protect her.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save his relationship with Winona and prove that this time is different. It reflects his deeper need for love and connection, as well as his fear of being abandoned and misunderstood.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from Desmond and reach Winona in the stairwell. It reflects the immediate challenge of physical danger and the need to protect Winona.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between Jackie and Desmond is intense and physical, with high stakes involved. The scene also introduces the conflict between Jackie and Winona, adding emotional tension.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical danger from Desmond and emotional conflict with Winona. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in this scene, with Jackie risking his life to protect Winona and confront Desmond. The outcome of the conflict has significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict between Jackie and Desmond, introducing the concept of divergent universes, and deepening the emotional connection between Jackie and Winona.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected twists and turns, such as the protagonist traveling between different universes and the revelation of his past in the Fighter Universe. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle between accepting his past mistakes and believing that he can change. It challenges his belief in his own worthiness and his ability to create a different future.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and confusion to love and disappointment. The audience is emotionally invested in the characters and their struggles.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and conflicts. The lines are well-written and contribute to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it combines action, emotion, and suspense. The reader is invested in the protagonist's journey and wants to see how he will overcome the challenges he faces.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The quick cuts between different universes and the intense dialogue keep the reader engaged and wanting to know what happens next.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is clear and easy to read.

      Structure: 7

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It effectively transitions between different locations and universes.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks clear and concise action descriptions, making it difficult to visualize the movements and interactions of the characters.
      • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially when Jackie meekly says 'I love you?' to Desmond.
      • The split screen technique is confusing and disrupts the flow of the scene.
      • The transition between different universes is abrupt and lacks smooth storytelling.
      • The emotional depth and tension between the characters could be further developed.
      • The visual elements are not effectively utilized to enhance the scene.
      • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with important moments not given enough time to breathe.
      • The conflict between Jackie and Desmond is not fully resolved in this scene, leaving the audience unsatisfied.
      Suggestions
      • Provide clearer and more detailed action descriptions to help the reader visualize the scene.
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
      • Consider using a different storytelling technique instead of the split screen to avoid confusion and maintain a smooth flow.
      • Create a smoother transition between different universes to improve the overall storytelling.
      • Focus on developing the emotional depth and tension between the characters to make their conflicts more impactful.
      • Utilize visual elements more effectively to enhance the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
      • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow important moments to have more impact and give the audience time to process the events.
      • Ensure that the conflict between Jackie and Desmond is fully resolved in this scene to provide a satisfying conclusion for the audience.



      Scene 10 - Jackie's Emotional Overwhelm and Reunion with Winona
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR - ORIGINAL UNIVERSE
      We are back in the original Universe. Not even a second has
      passed since Jackie first connected. Time is frozen.
      A single tear is suspended from his eye.
      Jackie’s fists close tightly, and he inhales.
      TIME RESUMES LIKE A SLAP TO THE FACE.
      In one fluid motion, Jackie side steps the knee, and calmly
      grabs hold of Desmond’s arm mid-air. He slams him to the
      ground.

      Jackie looks at his hands. It worked.
      45.


      Desmond attempts to grapple him to the floor, but Jackie
      easily dodges the advance and kicks him with such a force
      that Desmond is sent sliding across the floor, head first
      into a filing cabinet. Desmond’s body lays limp on the
      ground.
      Jackie disconnects from the other universe and breathes
      heavily. Winona cannot process what she just saw her husband
      do. She runs over and lifts him up.
      WINONA
      Why did you... how... are you
      crying?
      Jackie bursts into tears.

      JACKIE
      I saw my life... without you... I
      wish you could have seen it...
      Winona is drawn in.
      JACKIE (CONT)
      ... it was beautiful.
      Winona pulls back to look him in the eyes. She begins to say
      something, but her head falls forward and snaps back up.
      Alpha Winona has returned.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Stay calm. This is completely
      normal. Your brain is under an
      incredible about of stress.
      JACKIE
      Wait... let me finish with my wife-

      Alpha Winona pulls him in and rubs his back like a baby.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Shhh, You’re not thinking straight.
      JACKIE
      No, I was saying something
      important-
      Suddenly Jackie hears VOICES. The bluetooth glitches. His
      eyes wince in pain-
      46.


      TAXES UNIVERSE - INT. CAR

      Jackie is suddenly sitting in his car parked in front of
      their laundromat. Winona sits next to him waiting for an
      answer.
      WINONA.TAXES
      You finally have something to say?
      Jackie looks at her confused. Winona waits.
      JACKIE.TAXES
      Um. Let’s just finish our taxes.
      And then we can talk about it with
      clearer minds-

      Disappointed, Winona opens the door. Flashing lights hit
      Jackie’s face. We hear ROARING CROWDS, Jackie feels a fierce
      migraine pulse through his head:

      FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM

      Jackie looks and finds himself in front of a massive crowd.
      In the center of the stadium is a boxing ring.
      ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
      Jackie... Jackie!
      A hand grabs him and spins him around-


      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR - ORIGINAL UNIVERSE
      Alpha Winona grabs him and pulls him closer.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Are you with me?
      JACKIE
      I thought I was disconnected... why
      am I still there?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Most people don’t verse jump that
      far without months of training.
      JACKIE
      What?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Your mind’s like a clay pot. Every
      jump opens another crack- something
      (MORE)
      47.


      ALPHA WINONA (cont’d)
      will inevitably leak through. With
      enough training, you should be able
      to block it all out.
      JACKIE
      But, what if... I need to go back?

      Alpha Winona looks him sternly in the eye. And slaps him
      repeatedly.
      ALPHA WINONA
      SHUT IT DOWN. SHUT IT DOWN. ARE YOU
      WITH ME? ARE YOU WITH ME?? COME
      BACK!!!
      JACKIE
      I’m with you, I’m with you!

      Alpha Winona regains composure. Jackie is terrified.
      ALPHA WINONA
      You cannot think about those other
      lives like that. You are only using
      them to acquire special skills. Do
      you understand?
      As Jackie nods, Desmond begins to stir. Jackie picks up a
      potted plant to smash it on his head. Winona stops him.
      DESMOND
      What is happening... where is
      everyone?

      JACKIE
      He doesn’t remember?
      Alpha Winona quickly takes an extension cord and begins
      tying Desmond up.
      DESMOND
      Hey man... I’m sorry about before,
      during that meeting, I can get a
      little aggressive sometimes...
      ALPHA WINONA
      The man you were fighting wasn’t
      Desmond, your auditor.
      JACKIE
      Another Desmond from another
      universe, like you?
      48.

      ALPHA WINONA
      Another universe, overtaken by Jobu
      Tupaki. She has used her great
      power to brainwash entire
      populations into doing her bidding.
      They can be anyone: your neighbor,
      the bus driver, your auditor. This
      man is just a pawn in their game.
      She finishes tying him up.
      JACKIE
      And so is my wife?
      ALPHA WINONA
      You have to remember, we are
      fighting a war, and sometimes that
      requires us to stoop down to their
      level and- <continues to ramble>
      Jackie hears the CHEERING crowd from the stadium. He looks
      past Alpha Winona and sees into the stadium. He shakes his
      head and tries focusing on Alpha Winona. But the CHEERING
      comes back.

      FIGHTER UNIVERSE - INT. STADIUM [SPLIT SCREEN]

      He is back in the stadium in the middle of a press
      conference. Suddenly everything goes quiet in Jackie’s head.
      Someone has just walked in: Winona.
      Jackie can’t help but be pulled in: The camera spins around
      Jackie’s head. He is completely in this universe now.
      Winona is smartly dressed, confident in her stride. Their
      eyes lock. Time slows. Romantic Music begins to play.

      JACKIE.FIGHTER
      Winona...
      He hasn’t seen her in 40 years and a hole in his chest has
      just been reopened. Jackie walks off the stage towards
      Winona. He pushes his way through the crowd.
      Everyone is staring at them.

      JACKIE.FIGHTER WINONA.FIGHTER
      What are you- What are you-

      JACKIE.FIGHTER WINONA.FIGHTER
      I’m sorry, you go- Wait, you go-
      49.


      They both shut up and stare at the floor. They laugh.

      WINONA.FIGHTER
      I didn’t mean to interrupt... its
      just, it’s so good to see you,
      really... I saw your face on a
      billboard and... I’m sorry this is
      silly...
      JACKIE.FIGHTER
      What?
      WINONA.FIGHTER
      I was just curious to see if you
      still remembered me...

      A hand grabs Jackie shoulder. It’s his AGENT.
      AGENT
      What are you doing? Come on! We got
      a show to put on.
      Jackie waves him away.

      JACKIE.FIGHTER
      Hold on.
      AGENT
      (through teeth)
      Do you realize how many strings I
      had to pull to make tonight happen?

      He drags Jackie away. Jackie looks back but Winona is gone.
      ALPHA WINONA (O.S.)
      Jackie! JACKIE!

      He looks behind him:
      Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

      Summary In this scene, Jackie successfully jumps between universes and defeats Desmond in a fight. He is emotionally overwhelmed and Alpha Winona tries to calm him down. Jackie experiences flashes of other universes, including one where he reunites with Winona after 40 years. Desmond is tied up and Alpha Winona explains the situation to Jackie. Jackie's agent tries to pull him away from Winona. The scene ends with Jackie hearing Alpha Winona calling his name and looking behind him.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Emotional moments
      • Engaging plot
      Weaknesses
      • The theme could be further explored

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively combines intense action with emotional moments, creating a gripping and memorable sequence.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of traveling between parallel universes is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is engaging and keeps the audience hooked with its twists and turns.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of jumping between universes is not entirely unique, the specific situations and challenges faced by the characters are fresh and engaging. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed effectively.

      Character Changes: 8

      The protagonist experiences a significant emotional change, realizing the importance of his relationship with his wife.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove to himself and his wife that he can handle the challenges and dangers of jumping between universes. This reflects his deeper need for validation and his fear of losing his loved ones.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to protect his wife and defeat the brainwashed individuals from other universes. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist is intense and drives the scene forward.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges from the brainwashed individuals and the Alpha Winona. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the protagonist is faced with the threat of brainwashing and the potential loss of his wife.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about the antagonist and deepening the emotional connection between the protagonist and his wife.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as the sudden jumps between universes and the brainwashing of characters. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to explore other lives and the Alpha Winona's belief that they should only use other universes to acquire special skills. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values about the purpose and morality of their actions.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the protagonist's tears and confession of love.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and the plot.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it combines action, emotion, and suspense to keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey. The fast-paced writing and the introduction of new challenges and revelations maintain the audience's interest.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick transitions between universes and the action sequences create a sense of urgency and excitement.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting to clearly convey the visual and auditory elements of the scene.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear setting and action, progresses through dialogue and character interactions, and ends with a cliffhanger that leads into the next scene.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a strong visual of a tear suspended from Jackie's eye, which creates a sense of tension and emotion. However, the subsequent action and dialogue feel rushed and lack depth.
      • The transition between universes is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how Jackie is able to jump between universes or why he is experiencing these different realities.
      • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the Taxes universe feels forced and lacks authenticity. It doesn't effectively convey the emotional impact of Jackie's experience in the other universes.
      • The introduction of the Fighter universe and the romantic reunion between Jackie and Winona feels out of place and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
      • The dialogue between Alpha Winona and Jackie in the original universe is confusing and doesn't effectively explain the concept of verse jumping or the conflict with Jobu Tupaki.
      • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of closure. It ends abruptly without resolving the conflict between Jackie and Desmond or providing a satisfying conclusion to the story.
      Suggestions
      • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional depth and exploration of the characters' reactions to the events.
      • Provide clearer explanations for the concept of verse jumping and the conflict with Jobu Tupaki to help the audience understand the stakes and motivations of the characters.
      • Reconsider the transition between universes to make it more seamless and logical. Provide a clearer explanation for how Jackie is able to jump between universes and why he is experiencing these different realities.
      • Develop the dialogue between Jackie and Winona in the Taxes universe to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Show the impact of Jackie's experience on their relationship.
      • Reconsider the inclusion of the Fighter universe and the romantic reunion between Jackie and Winona. Make sure it is integrated into the overall story and serves a clear purpose.
      • Provide a clearer resolution to the scene by addressing the conflict between Jackie and Desmond and providing a sense of closure or progression in the story.



      Scene 11 - Jobu's Transformation
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR - ORIGINAL UNIVERSE
      Jackie is back in the IRS building. Alpha Winona looks at
      him terrified.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Did you hear what I just said?
      JACKIE
      Of course.
      50.


      ALPHA WINONA
      Then SHOOT!
      Jackie looks down at his hands. He is now holding a giant
      futuristic gun made of office products. What?
      He looks up and sees an entire SWAT team approaching them
      with their guns raised. WHAT?
      SWAT LEADER
      I said drop your weapon!!
      ALPHA WINONA
      Don’t listen to them Jackie!
      Jackie drops the gun in panic. Alpha Winona dives for the
      gun. She fires the gun, but only a flag that says "BANG!"
      comes out.
      JACKIE
      What just happened?
      ALPHA WINONA
      (petrified)
      She’s here.
      Two small boots stalk across the hallway. It’s Jobu. She is
      carrying her orange cat and calmly walking towards them.
      JACKIE
      Joy?

      Jackie recognizes his daughter, JOY. He can’t turn away.
      ALPHA WINONA
      She’s found us. We have to go. NOW!

      Alpha Winona drops the gun and begins to run away.
      SWAT OFFICER
      (to Jobu)
      Miss, you can’t be up here.
      JOY
      You have to be more clear: "can’t"
      is such a... fluid word. Is it that
      I am not able to be here or that I
      am not allowed to be here?
      Jobu slowly slides her boot across the floor and taps the
      ground with her toe.
      51.

      JOBU TUPAKI
      It seems physically possible for me
      to be here, so...
      The SWAT Officer has no patience for this.

      SWAT OFFICER
      Okay, that’s enough. You and your
      cat gotta go...
      He reaches out to grab her arm. She pulls away.
      JOBU TUPAKI
      Hey, you can’t do that.
      SWAT OFFICER
      I am able to, and I am allowed to
      because it is within my duty to-
      JOBU TUPAKI
      (threatening)
      Believe me, you can’t.

      The SWAT Officer reaches for his handcuffs with one arm and
      tries to grab her with his other. But before he can touch
      her, she throws her cat in the air. The cat catches onto her
      forearm, locking its legs around her wrist, with its tail
      facing out. Jobu pulls on the tail, unsheathing a long
      blade. She plunges the blade into the policeman’s gut.
      SWAT OFFICER
      Why did you stab me with a cat?

      JOBU TUPAKI
      Because I can.
      He falls to the ground. The cat falls off her arm and starts
      licking the guy’s face. Jackie’s brain is broken.
      SWAT OFFICER
      Fire!!
      JACKIE
      No!!!
      The SWAT team all fire. Bullets fly.
      Jobu falls to the ground and moves like a crazy drunk
      person. Somehow erratic movements are helping her dodge
      every bullet. She swings her cat by the tail, transforming
      it into a long medieval chain and ball, that she uses to
      knock the guns out of the hands of the SWAT officers. She
      lets go of the tail, and the cat becomes a cat again,
      clawing at the face of one of the unarmed officers.
      52.


      Jobu sweep kicks two officers off their feet. While she is
      on the ground, two more men approach her from either side,
      swinging batons which she catches and turns into large
      dildos. She spins the toys around, and shoves them into
      their Adam’s apples with a loud crunch, they both fall on
      the ground gasping.
      Alpha Winona grabs Jackie’s arm but he doesn’t want to
      leave.
      JACKIE
      How... is Joy doing that?

      ALPHA WINONA
      That’s not your Joy anymore...
      she’s a monster now. I was going to
      tell you.
      Jackie doesn’t want to believe it.
      Linus the cat comes sauntering back with a large ammunition
      clip in his mouth.

      Jobu shoves the ammunition clip into Linus’ butt and
      stretch’s the cat’s legs out straight like a gun. She kneels
      down beside Desmond and pats him on the head.
      JOBU
      Oh sweetie, thanks for the help,
      but I won’t be needing you here
      anymore.

      DESMOND
      What- what are you?
      Jobu cocks her cat gun. She aims it a Desmond. Jackie grabs
      her hand at the very last minute. Desmond is shot in the
      leg.
      DESMOND
      Owwww!
      JACKIE
      Stop! Why do you do this, Joy?
      JOBU
      Why does anyone do anything?
      JACKIE
      I raised you better than this.
      53.


      JOBU
      No. No you didn’t.
      She raises her gun to shoot Desmond in the head. Jackie
      knocks the gun down. Desmond gets shot in the leg again.
      DESMOND
      Owww!!! The same hole!?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, come on!
      Jackie plants his feet.
      JACKIE
      All I ever did was give you the
      best I could. You know I love you
      even though you are a gay.
      Jobu stares down her dad.
      JOBU
      You’re still hung up on the fact
      that I like girls?
      (in his face)
      The universe is much bigger than
      you realize Dad. I’m not really gay
      anymore.
      (Chinese)
      I’ve fucked everything.
      JACKIE
      You show some respect!
      JOBU
      You’ve fucked everything too. Men.
      Dogs. Cars...
      Jobu picks up a picture frame and transforms it into a
      picture of Jackie posing lovingly with Chris Tucker, a dog,
      a car.
      JACKIE
      Never.
      Jobu smirks. She’s enjoying this. The picture flickers and
      becomes a stack of books, a swarm of bees, a baby pig, a
      watermelon.
      JOBU
      In this very moment, there’s a
      world where you’re having
      intercourse with this watermelon.
      54.


      Jackie begins to step away from the melon.

      JACKIE
      That can’t be true.
      (to Alpha Winona)
      Can it?
      Alpha Winona can’t give him an answer.
      She rotates it to reveal a 2 inch hole. Jackie shakes his
      head, but he can’t look away. He is almost hypnotized.
      JOBU
      Don’t be ashamed. You’re a hero. In
      that universe, fucking this
      watermelon is the right thing to
      do.
      JACKIE
      That doesn’t make any sense!
      JOBU
      You’re starting to get it.

      Jackie’s mind is overwhelmed. A fly BUZZES by. Something
      leaks through:


      TAXES.UNIVERSE - CHAN APARTMENT
      Jackie swats a fly. Winona reads aloud at the computer.

      WINONA
      It says here, an activity is
      considered a business only if it
      makes a profit during at least 3 of
      the last 5 tax years-
      JACKIE
      Shhhhhhh. Not now!
      Genres: ["Action","Comedy","Science Fiction"]

      Summary Jackie and Alpha Winona are confronted by a SWAT team in the IRS building. Suddenly, Jobu appears and attacks them with a futuristic gun made of office products. She transforms objects into weapons and fights off the SWAT team. Jackie realizes that Jobu is his daughter Joy, who has become a monster. Jobu taunts Jackie with alternate universe scenarios and shoots Desmond in the leg twice. The scene ends with Jackie overwhelmed and a fly buzzing by.
      Strengths
      • Engaging action sequences
      • Witty dialogue
      • Shocking character revelation
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue may be too explicit or offensive for certain audiences

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and entertaining, with a mix of intense action, comedic moments, and a shocking revelation about the character of Joy. The dialogue is witty and the concept of transforming objects into weapons adds an exciting element to the scene.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a character who can transform objects and animals into weapons is unique and innovative. It adds a layer of unpredictability and excitement to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie and Alpha Winona being confronted by a SWAT team and Joy revealing her newfound abilities. The action and tension escalate as Joy effortlessly defeats the officers, leading to a shocking confrontation between Jackie and Joy.

      Originality: 9

      This scene demonstrates a high level of originality. The concept of transforming objects into weapons and the idea of multiple universes are fresh approaches to familiar elements. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and unexpected.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene, particularly Joy and Jackie, are well-developed and their interactions drive the plot forward. Joy's transformation from a seemingly innocent girl to a powerful and unpredictable force adds depth to her character.

      Character Changes: 9

      The character of Joy undergoes a significant change in this scene, transforming from an innocent girl to a powerful and unpredictable force. Jackie also experiences a change as he is forced to confront his own beliefs and actions.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and come to terms with the fact that his daughter has become a monster. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and his fear of losing his connection with his daughter.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the SWAT team and protect himself and Alpha Winona. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted. There is a physical conflict between Joy and the SWAT team, as well as an emotional conflict between Jackie and Joy. The stakes are high as Joy's true nature is revealed and Jackie is forced to confront his own beliefs and actions.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces a SWAT team and his daughter, who has become a monster. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene as Joy's true nature is revealed and Jackie is forced to confront his own beliefs and actions. The physical conflict with the SWAT team adds to the intensity of the scene.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing Joy's true nature and setting up a conflict between her and Jackie. It also introduces the concept of the universe's complexity and the consequences of our actions.

      Unpredictability: 9

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as transforming objects into weapons and the concept of multiple universes. The characters' actions and dialogue also add to the unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 6

      The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle to understand and accept the concept of multiple universes and the idea that his daughter has become a monster. This challenges his beliefs, values, and worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene elicits a range of emotions, including fear, confusion, shock, and amusement. The revelation about Joy's transformation and her confrontation with Jackie create a strong emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the tension, confusion, and shock experienced by the characters.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it combines humor, action, and unexpected twists. The fast-paced dialogue and the introduction of new elements keep the audience hooked.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and moments of tension. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, establishes the conflict, and builds tension through dialogue and action.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with a tense and urgent tone, which is appropriate given the dangerous situation Jackie and Alpha Winona are in. However, the dialogue and actions of the characters become increasingly absurd and over-the-top, which detracts from the tension and makes it difficult for the audience to take the scene seriously.
      • The introduction of Jobu as a transformed monster and her violent actions, such as stabbing a SWAT officer with a cat and turning weapons into sex toys, feels out of place and inconsistent with the tone established in previous scenes. It also raises questions about the logic and rules of the universe that are not adequately addressed.
      • The dialogue between Jackie and Jobu lacks depth and emotional resonance. Their conversation about Jackie's parenting and Jobu's sexual experiences feels forced and unnatural, and it doesn't effectively convey the complex emotions and history between them.
      • The visual elements, such as Jobu transforming objects and the picture flickering, are visually interesting but don't serve a clear purpose or contribute to the overall story or character development.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Jackie's mind being overwhelmed and a fly buzzing by, which leaves the audience with a sense of confusion and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the conflict or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
      Suggestions
      • Simplify and streamline the dialogue and actions of the characters to maintain a consistent tone and focus on the core conflict and emotional dynamics between Jackie, Alpha Winona, and Jobu.
      • Provide clearer explanations and rules for the universe and the abilities of the characters, so that the audience can better understand and engage with the story.
      • Develop the relationship between Jackie and Jobu more effectively, exploring their history and emotions in a way that feels authentic and resonates with the audience.
      • Reconsider the visual elements and ensure that they serve a clear purpose and contribute to the overall story and character development.
      • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying resolution to the conflict and advance the plot in a meaningful way, while still leaving room for further development in subsequent scenes.



      Scene 12 - Verse Jumping Chaos
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Jackie shakes the leak and approaches Jobu.
      ALPHA WINONA
      What are you doing?
      JACKIE
      I am going to talk some sense into
      my daughter.
      55.


      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, she can’t be reasoned with.
      Jackie has an idea.

      JACKIE
      Then I’ll verse jump. Somewhere
      where I am very very good at
      talking. And I will touch my
      daughter’s heart. And then maybe
      she will no longer be an evil gay.
      Alpha Winona is bewildered. Jackie closes his eyes to
      concentrate. It doesn’t work-

      TAXES.UNIVERSE - CHAN APARTMENT
      Jackie glances out the window, avoiding Winona’s glare.
      WINONA
      Why are you acting like this?

      JACKIE
      I don’t need extra rules! You’re
      complicating things. I have a
      simple plan.

      Jackie sees a picture on the wall of Joy as a child. Beside
      the photo is a child’s drawing of a man with wiggle worm
      fingers, autographed "JOY." Jackie reaches for his head like
      he has a migraine.


      FIGHTER UNIVERSE - STADIUM
      Jackie is standing across from another younger fighter. An
      announcer holds a microphone in front of his face.
      ANNOUNCER
      So Jackie, do you truly believe you
      can win this fight against a man
      half your age, at the prime of his
      career?
      There are flash bulbs going off all around him. He is
      looking through the crowd, searching for Winona. There’s a
      guy selling hot dogs.
      56.


      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR

      Jackie looks up. Alpha Winona is now standing between Jackie
      and Jobu, concerned.

      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, please. You can’t just jump
      without a guided trajectory, you
      can end up anywhere-
      Jackie pushes her aside. He places his hand over the blue
      tooth.

      ALPHAVERSE - In the control room, we see flashes of images
      on the screen: a clenched fist, hot dogs, Joy’s portrait,
      Joy’s childhood drawing, back to a fist, etc.
      WINONA
      Your mind is already too fragile-
      JACKIE
      I LOVE YOU.

      Jobu is momentarily confused. Winona reaches out.
      ALPHA WINONA
      No! Jackie that’s not how it works-

      Jackie presses the blue tooth. His head cocks back.
      Both his hands go limp as if they have been pumped full of
      anesthesia. He tries to punch Jobu, but his floppy fingers
      just enter the watermelon hole.
      JACKIE
      EW! EW! EW!

      ALPHA.VERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

      ALPHA WINONA
      Where did he jump?!
      OFFICER #1
      He’s off the fucking map.

      HOTDOG.UNIVERSE - CHAN APARTMENT
      Jackie stands in front of a full length mirror in a suit
      with an untied tie. He lifts his hands into frame. His
      fingers are floppy hot dogs. Jackie cannot comprehend it.
      57.


      He tries to tie his tie but his boneless fingers just push
      it around. His frustration builds.
      Winona leans in the doorway. She has hot dog hands as well.

      WINONA
      Jackie, why are you-
      JACKIE
      Not now.
      WINONA
      But you-
      JACKIE
      I SAID NOT NOW!!

      ALPHA.VERSE - CONTROL ROOM
      OFFICER #1
      Mam. He’s jumped to a universe
      where everyone has hot dogs instead
      of fingers.
      OFFICER #2
      An evolutionary branch in the
      anatomy of the human race?

      EXT. CRAGGY MOUNTAIN TOP (ALA 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY)

      TITLE: 20,000 B.C.
      A monkey with floppy hot dog fingers murders a full fingered
      monkey with a rock. Other monkeys hoop and scream.

      OFFICER #2 (VO)
      That jump would fry most people.

      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      Like I said, he’s not most people.
      The fingered monkey’s outstretched hand falls limp.

      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Jackie stumbles back into a desk. He tries to catch himself
      but his fingers are useless and he crumples onto the floor.
      58.


      JACKIE
      This was just a drawing you did
      when you were a kid.
      JOBU
      It’s like you said. It doesn’t make
      sense. None of it does.
      Jobu stands over Jackie with her cat gun.
      JOBU
      If it makes you feel any better. In
      another universe. I’m not about to
      kill you.
      She cocks her cat gun: chk-chk-meow.
      A foot flies into frame and kicks the cat into the air. It’s
      Alpha Winona.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Go! Now!

      She turns to punch Jobu, but Jobu catches her wrist easily.
      JOBU
      (looking deeply in her eyes)
      Hi mom.
      Jobu takes her finger and places it on Winona’s forehead.
      Winona is petrified.

      JOBU
      Which mom are you?
      She lifts her head to tune into a unheard frequency. CLICK,
      CLICK, CLICK. She’s gone.
      Joy lifts her head. It’s normal Joy. She looks around
      confused.
      JOY
      Mom? Dad? What the fuck is
      happening? Where am I?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Oh no...
      59.


      ALPHA.VERSE - CONTROL ROOM

      Alarms are flashing, there is a distant explosion / rumble.
      Officer #1 is looking at a monitor of chaos outside.

      OFFICER #1
      She’s found us. She’s here.
      Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

      Summary In this scene, Jackie attempts to reason with his daughter but decides to verse jump to a different universe when he fails. He ends up in a universe where everyone has hot dogs for fingers. Meanwhile, Jobu threatens to kill Jackie, but Alpha Winona intervenes and transports Joy to their universe. However, this attracts the attention of an unknown entity. The scene takes place in two different universes - the IRS 10th floor and the hotdog universe - and a control room that monitors verse jumping. The conflict arises between Jackie and Jobu, as well as the unknown entity attracted to Joy's arrival. The tone is tense and chaotic. Notable dialogue includes Jackie's decision to verse jump, Jobu questioning Alpha Winona, and Joy's confusion about her whereabouts. Visual elements include the hotdog fingers, a picture of Joy as a child, and chaos in the control room. The scene ends with the introduction of the unknown entity and Joy's confusion.
      Strengths
      • Intriguing concept of verse jumping
      • Engaging dialogue
      • High stakes
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of clarity in certain moments
      • Underdeveloped themes

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 8

      The scene effectively introduces the concept of verse jumping and creates a sense of confusion and desperation. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, and the stakes are raised with the introduction of the antagonist. However, there are some weaknesses in the execution of the scene, such as the lack of clarity in certain moments.


      Story Content

      Concept: 9

      The concept of verse jumping to different universes is unique and intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity to the story and opens up possibilities for exploration of different themes and conflicts.

      Plot: 7

      The plot of the scene revolves around Jackie's attempt to verse jump and reach his daughter. It introduces conflict between Jackie and Alpha Winona and sets up the stakes for the rest of the story. However, there are some moments that lack clarity and could be further developed.

      Originality: 9

      This scene has a level of originality in its approach to the topic of changing sexual orientation and the use of jumping between universes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the uniqueness of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene, particularly Jackie and Jobu, are well-developed and their motivations and emotions are clear. The introduction of Alpha Winona adds an additional layer of conflict and intrigue. However, there could be more exploration of the characters' relationships and dynamics.

      Character Changes: 7

      Jackie experiences a change in his perception of verse jumping and his determination to reach his daughter. However, there could be more development of the character changes and their impact on the story.

      Internal Goal: 7

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to talk some sense into his daughter and touch her heart in order to change her sexual orientation. This reflects his deeper desire to have a close and accepting relationship with his daughter.

      External Goal: 6

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to verse jump to a universe where he is good at talking and convince his daughter to change her sexual orientation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of trying to change his daughter's beliefs.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 8

      The conflict between Jackie and Alpha Winona, as well as the impending danger from Jobu, creates a high level of conflict in the scene. The stakes are raised with the introduction of the antagonist and the uncertainty of verse jumping.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces resistance from his daughter and Alpha Winona. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene, with Jackie risking everything to reach his daughter and the impending danger from Jobu. The concept of verse jumping adds an additional layer of high stakes.

      Story Forward: 8

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of verse jumping, raising the stakes, and setting up the conflict between the characters. It creates intrigue and sets the stage for future developments.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected elements, such as the protagonist's fingers turning into floppy hot dogs and the introduction of different universes.

      Philosophical Conflict: 8

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief that he can change his daughter's sexual orientation and the daughter's belief that her sexual orientation is not something that can be changed. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 7

      The scene evokes a sense of confusion, desperation, and shock, which creates an emotional impact on the audience. However, there could be more exploration of the characters' emotions and deeper emotional moments.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. There are some memorable lines, such as Jackie's declaration of love. However, there are moments where the dialogue could be clearer and more impactful.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a unique concept of jumping between universes and creates suspense around the protagonist's goal of changing his daughter's sexual orientation.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by alternating between intense moments and moments of humor. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The dialogue in this scene feels unnatural and forced. The lines spoken by Jackie and Alpha Winona lack authenticity and don't flow smoothly.
      • The transition between universes is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how Jackie is able to verse jump or why he ends up in the hotdog universe.
      • The visual descriptions are lacking detail and don't effectively convey the atmosphere or emotions of the scene.
      • The actions and reactions of the characters are inconsistent and don't always make sense. For example, Jackie's frustration with his floppy fingers in the hotdog universe seems exaggerated and out of place.
      • The introduction of the unknown entity at the end of the scene feels random and disconnected from the rest of the story.
      • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with some moments feeling rushed and others dragging on.
      • The emotional depth and complexity of the conflict between Jackie and Jobu is not fully explored or developed.
      • The scene lacks a clear resolution or sense of closure, leaving the reader with unanswered questions.
      Suggestions
      • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
      • Provide clearer explanations and motivations for the verse jumping and the different universes.
      • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
      • Ensure that the actions and reactions of the characters are consistent and believable within the context of the story.
      • Reconsider the introduction of the unknown entity and its relevance to the overall plot.
      • Refine the pacing of the scene to maintain a consistent rhythm and flow.
      • Deepen the emotional conflict between Jackie and Jobu by exploring their past relationship and the reasons behind their current animosity.
      • Create a more satisfying resolution to the scene that ties up loose ends and provides a sense of closure.



      Scene 13 - Revelations and Conflicts
      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Alpha Winona turns to Jackie.

      ALPHA WINONA
      Get us as far away from her as you
      can. I’ll be back.
      She hangs her head and snaps back as normal Winona.
      WINONA
      What just happened?... Joy? What
      are you doing here?

      Joy is scrolling through her phone: Missed calls and
      messages.
      JOY
      I have no fucking clue!
      WINONA
      Watch your language!

      JOY
      (on phone with wife)
      Hey, yeah, I’m fine, I just... I
      don’t know what’s happening.

      Jackie grabs Winona’s arm.
      JACKIE
      We have to go. Come on.
      WINONA
      No. What about Joy?
      JACKIE
      (whispered to Winona)
      She’s not who you think she is.
      Ignoring Jackie, Winona approaches her daughter.
      60.


      WINONA
      Joy? Who is that you’re talking to?
      JOY
      Just come pick me up and we’ll
      talk. I’m - um - where are we?
      WINONA
      The IRS building, your dad has got
      us all into another huge mess.
      JACKIE
      This isn’t my fault!
      JOY
      The IRS building apparently.
      WINONA
      Who are you talking to joy?
      Winona reaches for Joy’s phone. Joy pulls the phone away but
      she’s too slow.

      WINONA
      Who is this?
      BECKY (O.S.)
      This is Becky.
      WINONA (O.S.)
      Who? Becky who?

      BECKY
      Becky. Joy’s wife.
      Winona’s jaw drops.

      WINONA
      You got married? And you didn’t
      tell us.
      Jackie is also shocked. He forgets his need to run.
      WINONA
      This is your fault... You are
      always too hard on her.
      JACKIE
      After everything we have sacrificed
      to bring you here... Such
      disrespect, not to invite your own
      parents-
      61.


      JOY
      Invite you!? Would you have
      come? No. Every time I’ve tried
      to come out to you, you’ve ignored
      me. You tell me its a phase.
      Winona is pacing the room. Freaking out.
      JACKIE
      (to Winona)
      No, she’s not a gay.
      JOY
      What are you talking about? Of
      course I am.

      JACKIE
      No, you’re a monster now.
      This kills Joy. She is done. She storms off.
      WINONA
      Joy.
      (to Jackie)
      Why would you say this!?
      Winona tries to follow but Jackie grabs her arm.

      JACKIE
      We have to go.
      WINONA
      No, no more of your craziness. It’s
      tearing our family apart.
      JACKIE
      Hah! Everything I do is for our
      family. You don’t care about
      family. You want to give up.

      WINONA
      You’re so caught up in your own
      head you can’t feel your daughter’s
      pain. You can’t feel mine. If you
      just let me explain the divorce
      papers-
      JACKIE
      I don’t want to hear about that.
      It’s too late.

      She starts to say something. Winona’s head falls back.
      62.


      ALPHA WINONA
      Why are we still here?
      Before he can answer, Alpha Winona drags him away.


      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR HALLWAY
      Jackie is chasing Alpha Winona through a doorway.
      ALPHA WINONA
      She’s broken through our defenses.
      I don’t know how much time we have.
      Alpha grabs supplies from desks as she runs. Batteries,
      tape, thumbtacks.
      ALPHA WINONA
      You are not strong enough yet to
      defeat Jobu. Go into hiding. Train
      your mind. Prepare yourself for
      your final fight.

      JACKIE
      But I just talked to her, my Joy.
      Alpha Winona picks up a computer tower and smashes it on the
      ground she grabs some pieces of the logic board.
      ALPHA WINONA
      That’s the problem. As long as
      there is still a Joy anywhere, then
      Jobu still exists. She is
      everywhere, in every Joy.
      JACKIE
      How?
      ALPHA WINONA
      Remember when I told you not to
      fall to the charms of the other
      verses?
      JACKIE
      Is that what happened to Joy?
      She drags Jackie into a women’s bathroom and locks the door
      behind them. She pulls out a small eyeglasses repair kit
      from her purse and begins modifying her bluetooth headset.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Joy was extremely gifted at verse
      jumping. Our little explorer... You
      (MORE)
      63.


      ALPHA WINONA (cont’d)
      can’t blame yourself. You were so
      excited by the possibilities.
      Imagine what we could have done
      with the collective knowledge of
      all these worlds. Cured diseases,
      ended wars. You... you...

      JACKIE
      (understanding)
      I pushed her too hard.
      Alpha Winona nods grimly.

      ALPHA.VERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM FACILITY
      Jobu is walking down a hallway wearing a large hooded cloak.
      Smoke and fire are all around.
      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      Her mind was fractured. We
      shattered the filter that upholds
      the illusion that she exists in one
      linear reality. Now her mind exists
      in every world. Every possibility.
      All at once.

      With every step, we see her in a different universe living a
      completely different life: a mother walking down a grocery
      aisle, a teacher walking past her students, etc.
      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      She’s seen too much. Lost any sense
      of morality. Any sense of
      objectivity. Now she’s wreaking
      havoc in my world, and many others,
      by opening their eyes to the
      darkness of the multiverse.
      We see the officers in the control room arming themselves
      and running out to join the fight.
      Outside, Jobu is surrounded by dead and wounded. The world
      looks like suburban America after a riot. Burned churches,
      defaced political billboards.
      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.)
      The multiverse allows everyone
      could see whatever they wanted to
      see, hold on to whatever version of
      the truth they want to. By eroding
      any common ground, she destroyed us
      (MORE)
      64.

      ALPHA WINONA (V.O.) (cont’d)
      from within. Its too late for our
      universe. But yours, might still
      have a chance.
      Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

      Summary Alpha Winona confronts Jackie about Joy, revealing her true identity. Joy is unaware of the situation as she talks to her wife on the phone. Winona and Jackie argue about Joy's sexuality and marriage, while also discussing the danger posed by Jobu and the multiverse. Jobu is seen causing destruction in different universes. The scene ends with Alpha Winona and Jackie continuing their discussion in a bathroom, contemplating the threat of Jobu and the multiverse.
      Strengths
      • Intense emotional conflicts
      • Revelation of a major secret
      • Introduction of the multiverse concept
      Weaknesses
      • The theme could be further developed

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly impactful and emotionally charged, with intense confrontations and shocking revelations. It effectively advances the plot and introduces a new concept that adds depth to the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the multiverse and its impact on the characters' lives is intriguing and adds a layer of complexity to the story. It opens up possibilities for exploring different versions of reality and the consequences of altering them.

      Plot: 9

      The plot takes a significant turn with the revelation of Joy's marriage and the introduction of the multiverse concept. It creates conflict and tension within the family and sets the stage for further developments.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a family conflict and secrets is not entirely unique, the specific dynamics and revelations in this scene add freshness to the familiar theme. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters' emotions and conflicts are well portrayed, especially Joy's struggle with her parents' lack of acceptance and the revelation of her marriage. Their reactions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations.

      Character Changes: 9

      Joy undergoes a significant change as she confronts her parents and asserts her identity. The revelation of her marriage also leads to changes in the dynamics of the family.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and reconcile with her daughter's new marriage and her own role in their strained relationship. It reflects her deeper need for connection, her fear of losing her family, and her desire for understanding and acceptance.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the IRS building and the chaos surrounding them. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, such as the presence of an unknown threat and the need to protect themselves.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with intense conflicts between the characters, both in their relationships and their internal struggles. The revelation of Joy's marriage creates a major conflict within the family.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist and her daughter are in conflict and face obstacles in their relationship. The audience is unsure how the conflict will be resolved.

      High Stakes: 8

      The stakes are raised with the revelation of Joy's marriage and the introduction of the multiverse concept. The family's relationships and the fate of the multiverse are at stake.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and revealing important information about the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and raises the stakes.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected revelations about the characters' relationships and motivations. The audience is unsure how the conflict will be resolved.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions, including anger, shock, and sadness. The conflicts and revelations have a profound impact on the characters and the audience.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts. It reveals their relationships and adds depth to their interactions.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict between family members and reveals unexpected information about the characters. The emotional tension and the characters' reactions keep the audience invested in the scene.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and revealing important information. The dialogue and character interactions flow smoothly, keeping the scene engaging.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts off with Alpha Winona telling Jackie to get away from Joy and then abruptly shifts to Joy scrolling through her phone, which feels disjointed and confusing.
      • The dialogue between Joy and Winona lacks clarity and doesn't effectively convey the confusion and chaos of the situation.
      • The conflict between Jackie and Winona over Joy's sexuality and marriage feels forced and doesn't flow naturally from the previous scenes.
      • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona becomes repetitive and doesn't add much depth to their characters or the overall story.
      • The introduction of Alpha Winona and the explanation of Jobu's powers feels rushed and could benefit from more development and explanation.
      • The transition to the control room facility and the description of Jobu wreaking havoc in different universes feels abrupt and could be better integrated into the scene.
      • The visual elements in the scene, such as the burned churches and defaced billboards, could be more vividly described to create a stronger sense of the chaos and destruction caused by Jobu.
      • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of direction for the next scene.
      Suggestions
      • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother flow of events and a clearer progression of the conflict.
      • Revise the dialogue between Joy and Winona to better convey their confusion and the urgency of the situation.
      • Develop the conflict between Jackie and Winona over Joy's sexuality and marriage more organically, perhaps by building on previous scenes or adding more context.
      • Refine the dialogue between Jackie and Winona to make it more impactful and meaningful to their characters and the overall story.
      • Expand on the introduction of Alpha Winona and the explanation of Jobu's powers to provide more depth and clarity to the story.
      • Integrate the description of Jobu wreaking havoc in different universes more seamlessly into the scene to create a stronger sense of the stakes and consequences.
      • Enhance the visual descriptions of the chaos and destruction caused by Jobu to create a more vivid and immersive reading experience.
      • Consider adding a clearer resolution or sense of direction for the next scene to provide a satisfying conclusion to the current conflict.



      Scene 14 - The Helmet of Universes
      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM
      Winona produces a helmet of wires and flashing lights she’s
      been building. A collection of thrown together technology.
      ALPHA WINONA
      When the time comes, you have to
      stop her with this.
      JACKIE
      But, you just built that. Out of
      junk.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie, this helmet will deliver a
      powerful shock to every possible
      version of Joy, killing her in
      every universe.
      JACKIE
      Killing her...?

      ALPHA WINONA
      She’s my daughter too Jackie. But
      there is no room for compromise. No
      time for our own emotions.

      JACKIE
      No. I’m not the right one.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Yes you are.
      JACKIE
      I’ve never been good at anything.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Exactly.
      JACKIE
      What?
      ALPHA WINONA
      I’ve seen thousands of Jackies, but
      never a Jackie with a life so full
      of... failures. You have so many
      things you never finished. Dreams
      you never followed.
      65.

      JACKIE
      I’m working on a couple things.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Can’t you see? Every failure here,
      is a success for another Jackie in
      another universe. Most people only
      have a few significant alternate
      life paths so close to them. But
      you, here... you’re capable of
      anything because you’ve been so bad
      at everything.
      Jackie soaks this in.


      ALPHA.VERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM
      Jobu steps into the control room where Winona is all alone
      connected to her helmet. Winona is calmly waiting for her.
      JOBU
      There you are.

      Winona takes a healthy swig from a bottle of wine.

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM

      She grabs Jackie by the collar, choking him.
      ALPHA WINONA
      Jackie promise me when the time
      comes, no matter what she says, no
      matter what you see in other
      universes- you’ll finish this!
      Before Jackie can answer, her furious grasp turns into a
      tender embrace. She hold’s Jackie’s head in her hands.
      ALPHA WINONA (CONT.)
      It’s been so good seeing you again.
      Whatever happens, I’m grateful that
      random chance was so kind as to
      give us these last moments
      together.
      She grabs each of his hands and places them around her. She
      goes into kiss him.
      Jackie’s body tenses up.

      As they’re about to kiss, her lips quiver, her breath
      trembles, and her eyes roll back. Her head goes limp.
      66.


      Jackie doesn’t know what to do.

      JACKIE
      Winona? Winona?

      He holds her tight. Winona lifts her head in a daze.
      WINONA
      Jackie? I don’t feel good...
      Jackie pulls away. Alpha Winona is gone. Winona looks around
      and realizes she is in the bathroom.

      JACKIE
      (broken)
      She killed you.
      WINONA
      What? I’m not dead. Am I?
      JACKIE
      I have to stop her.

      He picks up the helmet contraption and studies it as he
      paces the room with a determined look.
      WINONA
      Jackie... I feel like I’m going
      crazy! I blink, and I’m somewhere
      else! What is happening?
      JACKIE
      You’re not crazy. You don’t
      remember because the other Winona
      was controlling you.
      WINONA
      What other Winona?
      JACKIE
      (distracted)
      You’re like... a puppet or like...
      Raccocoonie.
      WINONA
      What?
      JACKIE
      You know... the cartoon. We watched
      it for Joy’s birthday. With the
      cook, he makes bad food, but then
      the Raccoon sits on his head, and
      controls him, and then, he makes
      (MORE)
      67.


      JACKIE (cont’d)
      good food. The man doesn’t know how
      to do anything without the Raccoon.
      That’s you.

      WINONA
      You are talking about Ratatouille.
      JACKIE
      (irritated)
      No, it’s Raccaccoonie. Like
      Raccoon. Ratatouille’s not a word.

      WINONA
      I think you-

      JACKIE
      (serious)
      Trust me. I know what I’m talking
      about.

      ALPHAVERSE - INT. CONTROL ROOM

      Jobu stands over Alpha Winona’s dead body.
      She turns to the console where we see Jackie in the
      bathroom.
      She clicks to another universe.


      JOBU CULT UNIVERSE - CATHEDRAL
      Jobu is now in a long cathedral hall.
      Jobu stands before rows of people in cloaks with verse
      jumping equipment hooked up to them. It’s an eclectic
      bunch: young and old, tall and stout, from all walks of
      life.
      JOBU
      Brothers and Sisters, I believe I
      have found the one I have been
      looking for. Help me destroy him
      before he can do the same to us.
      An old skinny lady closes her eyes. Her helmet flashes.
      68.


      EXT. IRS BUILDING

      The same skinny old lady is outside the IRS building wearing
      a lunch lady’s uniform. Her head goes limp. She turns and
      makes her way through the crowd of evacuees. We see a
      handful of others suddenly walking towards the building:
      auditors, security guards, random civilians.

      INT. IRS 10TH FLOOR
      Desmond is still tied up and bleeding on the floor.

      DESMOND
      Hello? Help, is someone there?

      Desmond’s head droops and he lifts his head again. He has
      been taken over again. He picks up a coffee maker and rips
      it in half. He uses the heat to cauterizes his gunshot
      wound.
      He looks up just as Jobu walks in, followed by several other
      Followers. She picks up a business card raffle box and dumps
      the cards on the ground. As they fall in the air they turn
      to verse jumping devices.
      DESMOND
      I will not let you down again.

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM

      Jackie and Winona stand at opposite ends of the bathroom.
      Winona is deep in thought. Jackie waits for her to speak.
      WINONA
      So, how many universes are there?
      JACKIE
      As many as you can imagine.
      WINONA
      That is so stupid. So there’s a
      universe where... I’m the President
      and I’m riding a pink elephant that
      can talk?
      69.

      PINK ELEPHANT UNIVERSE - EXT. PLAINS
      Winona is wearing a nice pants suit riding a pink elephant.
      PINK ELEPHANT
      I am pink because I only eat
      shrimp.

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM - THAT MOMENT
      JACKIE
      I guess...? I know it sounds crazy
      but, I’ve already seen so much.
      JOBU (O.S.)
      Jaaaackiiiieeee?

      INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
      Jobu stands in the back surrounded by a rag tag group of
      strangers. They stand menacingly as they fashion weapons out
      of every day objects.
      JOBU
      I’m sure you’re just as sick of
      wondering whether or not you’re
      "the one" as I am. Let’s just get
      this over with.
      Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

      Summary Alpha Winona shows Jackie a helmet she built to kill every possible version of Joy in every universe. Despite Jackie's hesitation, Alpha Winona convinces him that his failures make him the right person for the job. In the bathroom, Jackie and Winona discuss the concept of multiple universes. Meanwhile, Jobu interrupts their conversation and Winona asks about the number of universes. The scene ends with Jobu calling out for Jackie from the 10th floor.
      Strengths
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Emotional depth
      • Intriguing concept
      • High stakes
      Weaknesses

        Ratings
        Overall

        Overall: 9

        The scene is well-written and engaging, with strong dialogue and emotional depth. The concept of multiple universes adds intrigue and complexity to the plot. The conflict and stakes are high, and the scene moves the story forward effectively.


        Story Content

        Concept: 9

        The concept of multiple universes and alternate versions of characters is intriguing and adds depth to the story. It allows for exploration of different possibilities and raises interesting questions about identity and choice.

        Plot: 9

        The plot is well-developed and engaging. The scene introduces a crucial turning point in the story and raises the stakes for the characters. It keeps the audience invested and eager to see what happens next.

        Originality: 9

        This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its exploration of multiple universes and the moral dilemma of killing a character in every universe. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and add freshness to familiar themes.


        Character Development

        Characters: 8

        The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are clear. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their relationships and add depth to the scene.

        Character Changes: 8

        The characters undergo significant changes in this scene. Jackie goes from feeling inadequate to realizing his potential and taking on a crucial role. Winona experiences a moment of clarity and self-realization.

        Internal Goal: 8

        The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince Jackie to stop Joy in every universe, even if it means killing her. This reflects Winona's deeper need to protect her daughter and her fear of compromising or letting her emotions get in the way.

        External Goal: 7

        The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stop Joy from causing harm in multiple universes. This reflects the immediate challenge of preventing a potential catastrophe.


        Scene Elements

        Conflict Level: 9

        The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. There is conflict between the characters' desires and the greater mission at hand, as well as internal conflict within the characters themselves.

        Opposition: 8

        The opposition in this scene is strong, as Jackie is faced with the challenge of accepting his role in stopping Joy and overcoming his self-doubt. The audience is unsure of how Jackie will respond to Winona's request, adding to the tension.

        High Stakes: 9

        The stakes are high in this scene, with the potential for the destruction of multiple versions of a character and the fate of the universe at stake. The characters' lives and the outcome of their mission hang in the balance.

        Story Forward: 9

        The scene moves the story forward by introducing a crucial turning point and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up the final showdown and leaves the audience eager to see what happens next.

        Unpredictability: 8

        This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as Winona's sudden change from choking Jackie to embracing him. The revelation of Alpha Winona's true intentions and the introduction of the Jobu cult universe add further unpredictability.

        Philosophical Conflict: 9

        The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the question of whether it is morally justifiable to kill Joy in every universe. This challenges Winona's beliefs and values as a mother, as she struggles with the idea of sacrificing her daughter for the greater good.


        Audience Engagement

        Emotional Impact: 9

        The scene is emotionally charged, with characters grappling with difficult choices and the potential loss of loved ones. It evokes a strong emotional response from the audience.

        Dialogue: 9

        The dialogue is strong and impactful. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, and drives the scene forward.

        Engagement: 9

        This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and explores complex emotions and moral dilemmas. The dialogue and character interactions create tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

        Pacing: 9

        The pacing of this scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


        Technical Aspect

        Formatting: 9

        The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of italics for thoughts and emphasis adds clarity to the scene.

        Structure: 8

        The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre by effectively establishing the setting, introducing the characters, and advancing the plot. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations and maintains a clear narrative flow.


        Critique
        • The dialogue in this scene is a bit clunky and could be tightened up to make it more impactful. Some of the lines feel forced and unnatural.
        • The emotional tone of the scene is not effectively conveyed through the dialogue and actions of the characters. It feels a bit flat and lacks depth.
        • The introduction of the helmet and its purpose feels a bit rushed and could be better explained and developed.
        • The transition between Alpha Winona choking Jackie and then embracing him feels abrupt and could be smoother.
        • The conversation between Jackie and Winona about multiple universes feels disjointed and could be better integrated into the overall flow of the scene.
        • The introduction of Jobu and her followers in the control room feels a bit random and could be better foreshadowed or set up.
        • The dialogue between Jackie and Winona about Ratatouille/Raccaccoonie feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the scene.
        • The ending of the scene with Jobu calling out for Jackie from the 10th floor feels a bit disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be better integrated.
        Suggestions
        • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and impactful. Consider removing unnecessary lines and tightening up the conversation.
        • Work on conveying the emotional tone of the scene through the actions and dialogue of the characters. Show their internal struggles and conflicts more effectively.
        • Develop the introduction of the helmet and its purpose more gradually and clearly. Make sure the audience understands its significance and the stakes involved.
        • Smooth out the transition between Alpha Winona choking Jackie and then embracing him. Make it feel more organic and less abrupt.
        • Integrate the conversation about multiple universes more seamlessly into the overall flow of the scene. Connect it to the characters' motivations and conflicts.
        • Foreshadow or set up the introduction of Jobu and her followers in the control room. Make their presence feel more purposeful and connected to the main storyline.
        • Consider removing or revising the dialogue about Ratatouille/Raccaccoonie as it feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the scene.
        • Find a way to better integrate the ending with Jobu calling out for Jackie from the 10th floor into the rest of the scene. Make it feel more connected and impactful.



        Scene 15 - Confrontation and Connection
        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM
        WINONA
        So what now? To save the world,
        you want to kill your own daughter
        because she’s an evil monster?
        JACKIE
        We have to do something. She is our
        responsibility. I’m going to find a
        way to fix this.
        WINONA
        You say that every time, right
        before you make things worse.
        Winona turns away in frustration.
        WINONA
        Why don’t you just jump to a
        universe where, for once, you
        actually know what to do?
        70.


        This gives Jackie an idea.

        He rushes over to the soap dispenser and throws soap in his
        eyes. It stings. He closes his eyes and concentrates, but
        the bluetooth turns YELLOW.
        WINONA
        What are you doing??
        He begins pulling paper towels from the dispenser and
        stuffing as many as he can down his shirt. Again: YELLOW.
        WINONA
        You’ve finally lost it.
        Jackie turns and looks at Winona up and down.
        JACKIE
        Hit me.
        WINONA
        What?

        JACKIE
        Hit me! Hard! Make it hurt.
        WINONA
        I’m not like you. I don’t hit
        people.
        JACKIE
        Exactly. I need to do something so
        unlikely that it propels me to-
        AHHH
        Winona knees Jackie in the groin.

        Jackie falls to the ground. He closes his eyes. The
        bluetooth turns GREEN.

        JACKIE
        Thank you.
        He pushes the button, his head kicks back, he inhales deep
        and stares right past Winona. He looks like he is seeing
        God.
        Winona is stunned. She waves her hands in front of his eyes.
        WINONA
        Did it work? Hello? Should I do it
        harder?
        71.


        She winds up her fist to punch him in the groin again.
        Suddenly Jackie exhales and grabs her hand.
        JACKIE
        (perfect English)
        Winona, give me a moment. I don’t
        know how long I can maintain this
        connection.
        WINONA
        You’re English... it’s-
        JACKIE
        (Perfect English)
        Shhh... I know over the years, I’ve
        neglected you and taken your love
        for granted. I don’t deserve you.
        But, right now all I want in the
        whole wide world is to save our
        family and I need your help. Can
        you give me the benefit of the
        doubt one last time sweetheart?

        Winona can’t help but be convinced. She nods.
        Jackie presses the button, his face shudders, and he inhales
        again. He has disconnected.

        He stands up and approaches the door.

        WRITER UNIVERSE - INT. HOME OFFICE

        Jackie.Writer is sitting in a nice mid-century office with
        lofted ceilings and tall windows. He sits on a bed,
        surrounded by medical equipment. His thin, frail face is
        white as if one of his fictional characters reached out to
        him through his brain. Because that’s what happened.
        His editor and partner, CHRIS, a tall sharply dressed man
        whose last name is Tucker sits on the couch beside Jackie.
        CHRIS
        Hey, what’s the hold up?
        WRITER.JACKIE
        I think... my character just got
        into my head.
        CHRIS
        That’s normal, right? You’ve been
        living with them for so long-
        72.


        WRITER.JACKIE
        No... literally. Jackie verse
        jumped to me here... I felt him.
        CHRIS
        Come on, babe, you made up that
        silly sci-fi shit.
        JACKIE
        Maybe I’ve started something I
        can’t finish... This book, its
        bigger than me...

        They both look up at the bulletin board next to them. On it
        there are a bunch of note cards and diagrams. There is a
        diagram of two minds connected. Chris rubs his back.
        CHRIS
        All this meta stuff’s getting into
        your head. Let’s get through this
        draft and you can take a break.
        Read that roller coaster part back
        to me again, I like that part.

        Jackie shakes it off stares at his computer screen.

        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
        A SWAT officer with a gas mask on pulls pins from a tear gas
        canister. He throws a canister outside of the bathroom.

        Another one tosses the canisters into the the ceiling vents.
        WRITER.JACKIE (V.O.)
        "How odd it felt to know that he
        was in the safe confines of a
        predetermined path: every turn
        decided, every word written."


        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR BATHROOM
        Gas begins seeping in through the vents. Jackie pushes
        Winona into the back of the bathroom.
        He unrolls some toilet paper and begins cutting it randomly
        with scissors.
        WRITER.JACKIE (V.O.)
        "And yet, his heart beat in his
        chest like a child wanting off a
        roller coaster. In these
        (MORE)
        73.


        WRITER.JACKIE (V.O.) (cont’d)
        situations, he remembered takings
        his frightened daughter’s hand
        years ago and saying ’this is where
        the fun is..."
        As gas filters in all around them, he looks up at Winona
        with a serene smile. He unfolds the toilet paper to reveal a
        paper snowflake. His bluetooth device flashes GREEN.
        JACKIE
        "This is where we scream."
        He presses the button:
        Jackie rapidly downloads divergent memories:

        - Jackie as a child, running with scissors.
        - His Mother singing to him as a child with bandages over
        his eyes.

        - As an older blind man, he is now singing to his elderly
        mother.

        OPERA UNIVERSE - INT. OPERA HOUSE

        Jackie stands on a huge stage alone wearing sunglasses- now
        blind. There is a huge audience before him.
        A single note from the string section begins to SWELL.

        SPLIT SCREEN: in unison both Jackies INHALE a large lungful
        of oxygen.


        INT. IRS 11TH FLOOR
        As the Opera singer sings his sustained note, Jackie kicks
        open the bathroom door in SLOW MOTION. Gas billows.
        With his eyes closed and his breath held, he makes his way
        through the gas. He grabs hold of a large trophy and uses it
        to take out one of the SWAT officers wearing a mask and
        holding a riot shield. He pulls off the gas mask and throws
        it into the bathroom for Winona.

        Another Jumper runs in with a DIY hairspray/lighter flame
        thrower. Jackie senses him coming and ducks under a stream
        of fire. He kicks the Jumper’s leg’s out causing him to drop
        his flame thrower. Jackie uses the flame thrower to torch
        the ceiling, triggering the water sprinklers.
        74.


        Water pours down, washing away the tear gas. Just as he
        stands some one kicks him from behind. He falls.
        SPLIT SCREEN: Opera Jackie’s voice falters and cracks. He
        pulls away from the microphone embarrassed. Jackie gets
        kicked in the head. He disconnects as he hits the
        ground. But the epic opera music continue to score the
        scene.
        He is surrounded by Jumpers with guns and makeshift weapons
        (i.e. pencil cross bows, CD throwing stars, etc).
        He lands on the riot shield. He knows what to do. He grabs a
        frog shaped paper weight off a nearby desk and swallows it
        whole. Flashing light: GREEN! He presses the button.

        We see divergent memories flash:
        - Jackie gymnast falls off the high bars, his ankle breaks
        - Wearing an ankle cast he watches someone else win at the
        Olympics on TV.

        - He is shaking ha