American hustle

Genres: -, Crime, Drama, Thriller, Romance, Comedy



Summary "American Hustle" is a crime-comedy film that follows the exploits of Irving Rosenfeld, a con artist, and his girlfriend Sydney Prosser. Along with FBI agent Richie Dimaso, the trio targets corrupt politicians by filming them in compromising situations. However, their latest operation to scam Carmine Polito goes awry, and they have to navigate dangerous situations to avoid getting caught. Irving also struggles to balance his two wives while dealing with the consequences of his criminal activities. The movie ends with Irving and Sydney starting fresh, while Duke Ellington's "Jeeps Blues" plays in the background.





Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Strong and well-defined characters
  • Engaging dialogue and conflict
  • Interesting premise
  • Effective use of voice-over narration to convey character introspection
  • Good use of visual and auditory elements to set tone
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
  • Slow pacing at times
  • Some confusing dialogue and unclear motivations
  • Dialogue feels somewhat forced and unnatural
  • Lack of clear action in the scene
Suggestions
  • To improve the pacing, consider balancing dialogue-heavy scenes with more action sequences.
  • To elevate the dialogue, avoid exposition-heavy scenes and focus on character development and conflict.
  • Clarify character motivations to avoid viewer confusion.
  • Utilize subtext to increase tension and emotional impact.
  • Consider improving secondary character development to create a more well-rounded story.

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Characters 8.4  73 Mo: 8.3 American hustle: 8.4
Dialogue 8.0  72 Silence of the lambs: 7.9 Inception: 8.0
Concept 7.7  38 Community: 7.6 get out: 7.7
Emotional Impact 7.1  36 Suits: 7.0 Good Will Hunting: 7.1
Conflict Level 7.2  33 Pinocchio: 7.1 American hustle: 7.2
Plot 7.8  31 The Good place release: 7.7 American hustle: 7.8
Overall 8.0  19 Requiem for a dream: 7.9 legally blonde: 8.0



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 Irving and Richie's Turf War 8 7 7 9 010007 8
2 The Briefcase Exchange 8 9 8 8 010007 7
3 Meeting at the Pool Party 7 8 6 9 05006 7
4 Sydney's Job Interview and Fashion Upgrade 8.5 8 8 9 06009 8
5 Irving's Main Business 8 7 7 9 06008 8
6 The Art of the Con 8 9 8 8 06007 7
7 Irv's Moment of Reflection 7 8 6 7 03009 6
8 The Picasso of Passive Aggressive Karate 9 8 8 9 07008 9
9 The Con Goes Wrong 8 9 8 8 010007 8
10 Richie Confronts Edith in Holding Cell 9 8 9 10 08009 9
11 Negotiations with the Law 8 9 8 7 06007 9
12 A Breakdown in the Apartment 8 7 8 9 010009 8
13 The Art of Deception 8.5 7 9 8 06006 8
14 The Sheik and The Conman 8.5 8 9 8 07006 9
15 The Charisma of Carmine Polito 9 8 7 10 03009 8
16 Planning the Scam 8 8 9 7 05004 7
17 Stoddard is Betrayed 9 8 9 7 08007 9
18 The Betrayal 8.5 8 9 8 09008 9
19 Negotiations with Carmine 8.5 7 8 9 06007 8
20 A Dangerous Plan 8 9 7 8 09005 9
21 Richie's Personal Life 7.5 7 8 8 04005 7
22 Dinner at Baron's Italian Restaurant 8 7 8 9 06007 8
23 Dancing and Desire 9 8 9 9 07008 9
24 Building Trust and Making Plans 8 8 8 9 04006 8
25 Jet Negotiation and Kitchen Fire 7 7 6 8 05006 7
26 Edith and Irv's Argument 7 6 5 8 08007 9
27 Meeting the FBI Agent 8.2 8 8 8 06005 9
28 The Complexities of Relationship 7 8 7 7 06006 7
29 The Grand Old Hotel Sea Resort Opening 7 7 7 8 05006 6
30 untitled 0 0 0 0 00000 0
31 Meeting Victor Tellegio 7 8 6 9 09005 6
32 Casino Business Negotiation 8 7 8 9 010007 9
33 Tension and Chaos at the Casino 8 7 8 9 010008 8
34 Confrontation and Despair 8 7 8 9 090010 8
35 Richie's Desperation 7 8 7 7 09006 8
36 untitled 0 0 0 0 00000 0
37 Irving and Sydney's Relationship 8 7 8 9 06008 9
38 The Betrayal 8.5 9 8 8 07008 9
39 Planning and Apologizing 9 8 9 8 06006 9
40 Offering Bribes 8 7 8 8 09007 8
41 Emotions Run High 8 7 8 9 090010 8
42 Irv Gets Unpleasantly Surprised 8.5 8 9 8 010007 8
43 I've Got a Plan 8 9 8 8 09007 7
44 The Plan and The Divorce 8 7 8 9 07006 8
45 The Sheik's Deal 8 9 7 7 08005 9
46 The Money Transfer 8.5 8 8 9 07007 8
47 The Betrayal 9 8 9 10 0100010 9
48 The Aftermath of the Confrontation 8 7 7 9 05009 8
49 The Missing Millions 8 7 8 9 09007 8
50 The Fallout of the Sting Operation 8 7 8 8 09007 8
51 Moving On and Moving Up 7 8 6 7 04006 7


Scene 1 - Irving and Richie's Turf War
AMERICAN HUSTLE


Written by


Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell
TITLE CARD: SOME OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED

OVER BLACK: APRIL 26, 1978, PLAZA HOTEL, NEW YORK

1 FADE IN: 1


2 INT. PLAZA HOTEL WINDOW NYC - DAY 2

IRVING ROSENFELD, not a small man, gets dressed and
meticulously constructs his combover. Camera WRAPS AROUND,
see his hands with rings adjust his dark velvet suit, up to
his face, serious, concentrated, intense, he is composing
himself before a performance.

Irving is now dressed, ready, and walks down the hall to
another room.

3 SECOND PLAZA HOTEL ROOM -- Irving composes himself -- looks 3
into cramped surveillance closet, there are FBI Agents -- we
only see their hands and arms -- he looks at monitors -- sees
a BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF ANOTHER ROOM ON MONITOR: MAYOR
CARMINE POLITO, swath of salt and pepper hair, cream suit,
pinky ring, Rotary Club pin -- ALONG WITH CARL ELWAY, preppie
shady businessman.

He exhales pressure, turns as CAMERA PANS TO: SYDNEY PROSSER
(who will also be known for some time as EDITH GREENSLY),
stylish crafty smart. They stare at each other intensely --
they have a deep and emotional relationship. A DOOR BANGS
OPEN, and in walks RICHIE DIMASO, Bronx-born. He stands
there.

RICHIE DIMASO
What are you doing, going behind my
back? Telling people I'm screwing
up this operation? I got you a
suite at the fuckin' Plaza Hotel!

IRVING ROSENFELD
The shittiest suite at the Plaza
Hotel.

RICHIE DIMASO

What?!

IRV ROSENFELD
The shittiest fuckin' suite.

RICHIE DIMASO
Based on what--?
2.


IRVING ROSENFELD
And the food is wrong, and--What is
this? You, like, went in my closet
or something?

EDITH GREENSLY

No

IRVING ROSENFELD
Are you dressing him like you’re
dressing me now?

EDITH GREENSLY
(shakes her head)
No, what are you thinking? This
isn't all about you, you know that.

RICHIE DIMASO
What, did you try to dress me so I
would look like him?

EDITH GREENSLY
No, you're not dressed like him,
all right?

RICHIE DIMASO
But I do, I look like him.

EDITH GREENSLY
No, he's in like, velvet. Come on.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You asked me to show you how this
was done, you wanna fuck it up be
my guest.

EDITH GREENSLY
What is your problem?


RICHIE DIMASO
Hey, look, I never laid a hand on
her, all right? Is that what this
is about?

EDITH GREENSLY
(British accent)
Well technically, that’s not true.

RICHIE DIMASO
Look, we never had sex ok? I just --
3.


RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
What'd I do? I put my hand like
this --

Richie reaches out and puts his hand on Irving’s face very
carefully, not forcefully.

Irving swipes it away violently the second it touches his
face.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t you fucking touch me. That
bothers me --

RICHIE DIMASO
Oh it does?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh yeah.

RICHIE DIMASO
That bothers you?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes.

RICHIE DIMASO
You know, a lot of shit bothers me
too, but I was trying to help you.
If I wanted to bother you, if I
really wanted to fucking bother
you, this is what I’d do.


Richie takes his hand and destroys the combover Irving spent
so much time creating. Irving just stands there, hair ruined,
staring at Richie.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You shouldn’t have done that.

Irving just stands there staring at Richie, hair all wild and
messed up looking very angry.

RICHIE DIMASO
How’s that? You bothered now? (no
answer) Alright, don’t make a thing
of it.

EDITH GREENSLY
You shouldn’t touch him. He doesn’t
like that.
4.


RICHIE DIMASO
Oh my god, fix his hair. Don’t make
a thing of it.

EDITH GREENSLY
It takes some time, ok.

Edith walks over to Irving who is still standing there in
silence with his hair all over the place. She carefully
starts helping him put it back together.

RICHIE DIMASO
Big fucking deal. We got to get in
the other room, come on. The
mayor’s in there.

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes I know that.

RICHIE DIMASO
Should we go to the beauty parlor?
Is that what we should do?

Richie walks over and opens up a briefcase that’s sitting on
the dresser. Inside are stacks of cash.

Edith is still helping Irving put his hair back together.

IRVING ROSENFELD
How’s it look.

EDITH GREENSLY
You look fine.

Richie slams the briefcase shut looking very nervous and
intense.

RICHIE DIMASO
Let’s go.

CUT TO:


4 STEELY DAN’S “DIRTY WORK” STARTS ON THE SOUNDTRACK AS THEY 4
WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY THREE ACROSS: IRVING, EDITH, RICHIE.
RICHIE WITH BRIEFCASE IN HAND.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Irving Rosenfeld, a seasoned con artist, and his girlfriend, Sydney Prosser, are preparing for a new operation with FBI agent, Richie Dimaso. In the Plaza Hotel, Irving gets into an argument with Richie over details of the setup while Sydney acts as a mediator between the two.
Strengths
  • Strong and well-defined characters
  • Engaging dialogue and conflict
  • Interesting premise
Weaknesses
  • Lack of action
  • Slow pacing at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engages the audience with its tension and character dynamics. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. The description of Irving Rosenfeld's appearance and actions feel excessive and can be trimmed down for better pacing.

2. The dialogue between the characters sometimes feels repetitive and could benefit from more variation in sentence structure and word choice.

3. The physical altercation between Richie and Irving feels forced and out of place, especially since the tension between them was already established through their dialogue. It may have been more effective to have their conflict reach a peak in a different way.

4. The use of Steely Dan's "Dirty Work" on the soundtrack could have been introduced earlier in the scene to add more depth and meaning to its inclusion. As it stands, it feels like an afterthought added in post-production.

Overall, the scene effectively establishes the relationships and tensions between the characters and serves as a strong setup for the rest of the film.
Suggestions 1. Simplify the language - Some of the dialogue feels repetitive and unnecessary. Consider cutting down on the banter and focusing on the main conflict of the scene.

2. Add more action - The scene is primarily focused on the characters talking and standing around. Consider adding more movement or action to make it more visually interesting.

3. Clarify the characters' motivations - The scene sets up tension between the characters, but it's not entirely clear why they are behaving the way they are. Flesh out their motivations and goals to make the conflict more engaging for the audience.

4. Consider adding more visual cues - The description of the characters' appearances is important, but it would be more effective to use visual cues to convey their personalities. For example, instead of saying Irving is "serious, concentrated, intense," show him adjusting his suit with precision and focus.

5. Finally, consider the pacing - The scene sets up the story and characters, but it could be tightened up slightly to move the story forward more quickly. Consider trimming some of the dialogue or action to keep the scene engaging without dragging.



Scene 2 - The Briefcase Exchange
5 INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE FOYER - DAY 5

SLOW MOTION -- DOUBLE DOORS PUSH OPEN AND Edith ENTERS THE
SUITE -- THEY WALK INTO --
5.


6 INT. PLAZA HOTEL LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 6

DRAMATIC PUSH IN ON: THE DESTINY OF THE STORY MAYOR CARMINE
POLITO PINKY RING, ROTARY CLUB PIN STANDS FINISHING STORY TO
BUSINESSMAN CARL ELWAY AS IRVING, EDITH, RICHIE WAIT FOR HIM
TO FINISH -- THEY ALL SHAKE HANDS AND SIT ON THE COUCH ACROSS
FROM EACH OTHER. RICHIE CAREFULLY SETS THE BRIEFCASE DOWN ON
THE GROUND NEXT TO HIS FEET. CUT TO THE SCENE AS VIEWED
THROUGH A SURVEILLANCE MONITOR. THE DATE AND TIME STAMP
VISIBLE.

CARMINE POLITO
I thought he was going to be here.
I do business face to face, person
to person. That’s just who I am.


Richie reaches down and awkwardly slides the briefcase over
to Carmine unprompted. LEAVE MONITOR’S POV AND RETURN BACK TO
THE SCENE.

IRV’S EYES WIDEN AS IN ‘NO! DON’T DO THAT!’ WHILE HE AND
RICHIE STARE AT EACH OTHER, EDITH TENSE, CARMINE LOOKS
DISTURBED AT THE CASE COMING HIS WAY. HE STANDS ABRUPTLY.

CARL ELWAY
Whoa, excuse me, excuse me. I'll
handle that for the Mayor.

RICHIE DIMASO
No, it’s for the Mayor. It would be
a sign of disrespect to the sheik
if the mayor didn’t take it
himself. It’s for you Mayor.

Carmine looks angry and confused. He looks over to Carl.

CARMINE POLITO
What are you doing? What-- (to
Carl) Carl, what the fuck? What is
this?

CARL ELWAY
No, I'll handle it. I'm gonna take
care of-- Everything's good. I
got everything under control. (TO
RICHIE) That's for me. I handle all
that for mayor.

CARMINE POLITO
What is this?

Irving looks over and says nothing. Not surprised at all how
badly this is all going.
6.


Edith whispers to Richie.

EDITH GREENSLY
(whispers to Richie)
Just stop it, ok

RICHIE DIMASO
(whispers to Edith)
He's gotta take it himself, okay?

CARMINE POLITO
I don’t know what the fuck that is
but it’s weird you understand?

CARL ELWAY
Misunderstanding. Misunderstanding.

CARMINE POLITO
I came here to meet a sheik, that’s
all I know. I’m very interested in
that but he’s not here apparently.
Carl?!

Carmine turns and starts to walk out of the room.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
I’m very interested in meeting the
Sheik. You let me know when THAT
could happen! Thank you, have a
good day.

Carmine leaves the room.

Irving looks over and shrugs his shoulders. Not surprised at
all the way this is going and horrified that Richie has
ruined it.

CARL ELWAY
(leaving)
Irving! You better come get him.


RICHIE DIMASO
(stares at Irv)
Go out there and get him right now.

CARL ELWAY
Help me get him back!

RICHIE DIMASO
Go get him. He needs to take the
fuckin' briefcase, Irving.
7.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I didn’t wanna do it in the first
place. This is your show, YOU go
get him.

RICHIE DIMASO
No, you have no choice. You have
to go get him. Now, go get him, so
he takes the briefcase by himself!
That's the whole plan, Irving!

Irving stands up angry and gets in Richie’s face.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What were you doing pushing the
fucking briefcase, dummy? Huh?

RICHIE DIMASO
The whole fuckin' thing was falling
apart. You know how much I paid
for this goddamn hotel that you
fucking asked for?!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Now I gotta go mop up your mess.
I'm gonna go fucking mop up your
mess!

Irving storms out of the hotel suite towards the Elevators to
get Carmine.


INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE FOYER - DAY

Irving paces back and forth as he waits for the elevator.


INT. PLAZA HOTEL LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

We push in on the concerned face of Sydney as Richie rambles
on to her.

RICHIE DIMASO
You understand what I'm saying,
right? It wasn't working.


INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Irving continues to pace back and forth in the hall waiting
for the elevator.
8.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Did you ever have to find a way to
survive and you knew your choices
were bad?

Irving walks over and hits the elevator button again.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I learned how to survive when I was
a kid.

7 CUT TO: 7

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My father had a glass business.


28 IRV AS KID SMASHES PLATE GLASS WINDOWS OF BRONX STOREFRONTS 28

Drumming up business for his father.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Richie, Irving, Edith, and Carmine meet in a hotel suite to exchange a briefcase. Things quickly become tense as Carmine refuses to take the briefcase, and Richie pushes it onto him. This causes Carmine to leave and the plan to fall apart, leading Irving to pace in the hotel hallway. The scene ends with a flashback to Irving's childhood.
Strengths "Tension in the briefcase exchange, strong conflict between characters, well-crafted flashback"
Weaknesses "Some confusing dialogue and unclear motivations"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene has strong elements, particularly in its use of tension and conflict. However, some of the dialogue is on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtext.

The slow-motion entrance of Edith, while visually interesting, does not add much to the scene's narrative, and could potentially be cut. The use of the surveillance monitor's POV is effective in building tension and raising the stakes.

However, some of the character motivations and reactions are unclear. Why does Richie feel it is necessary for Carmine to take the briefcase himself? It is also unclear why Irving is so quick to give up and leave to "mop up" Richie's mess.

The use of Irving's voiceover and flashback to his childhood also feels somewhat forced and disconnected from the scene's current events. It could benefit from a smoother integration into the story.

Overall, while this scene has strong elements, it could benefit from a tighter focus on character motivations and more nuanced dialogue.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to clarify the motivations and objectives of each character in the scene. The dialogue and actions seem disjointed and unclear, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene. Additionally, tightening up the pacing and trimming unnecessary dialogue would help streamline the scene and keep the audience engaged. Finally, giving more visual cues and description to the setting and characters would help to fully immerse the audience in the scene.



Scene 3 - Meeting at the Pool Party
EXT. ROSENFELD & SON GLASS REPAIR CO. - DAY 1940’S

Young Irving and his Father and Mother standing outside the
family's glass repair shop in the Bronx as some tough
contractors march up to them.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I would rather be on the taking
side than the getting taken side
any day of the week, especially
after I saw how my father got
taken. I mean, seeing that scarred
me for life.


EXT. UNDISCLOSED STREET - DAY 1940’S

Young Irving runs by a store front as he throws a rock
through each window on the store, smashing them all.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I took it upon myself to drum up
business. I became a different kind
of guy than my father. I became a
con artist -- from the feet up, for
real.

CUT TO:


THE BRONX: STOREFRONT WITH SMASHED WINDOW. - DAY - PRESENT

Irv shakes his head, surveys the damage.
9.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I was gonna survive no matter what.
I still had the glass business and
a few dry cleaning stores on the
side.


7G INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - DAY 7G

Irving paces around his office smoking a cigar and talking on
the phone. What looks to be stolen art sits on the floor all
around him.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
And I did some art dealing on the
side. Stolen or forged art.


EXT./INT. POOL PARTY - LONG ISLAND HOUSE - DAY

Chicago’s “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” fades
up. Jamming early 70s HOLIDAY party -- LONG ISLAND LADIES IN
BIKINIS WITH HUGE HAIR IN FUR COATS SMOKING OUTSIDE THE GLASS
ENCLOSED POOL -while inside steamed glass SHINY BIKINI
CANDIDATES FOR NOSE JOBS; A FEW OTHERS WHO ARE LARGE, SEVERAL
GUYS WHO LOOK MOBBED UP, pale, out of shape, gold chains, in
swim trunks, EVEN MORE BURT REYNOLDS TYPE GUYS, slim, hairy,
chains.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
So, one January I go to my friends
pool party in Long Island.

Irving sits holding court with some friends by the pool when
he turns and sees Sydney for the first time.

PUSH IN ON: Irving. He looks up, they lock eyes across the
party.

SYD REACHES FOR A SLICE OF FRUIT ON HIGH SET PLATE WHEN
IRVING’S HAND GRABS HER ARM -- she turns, taken aback -

IRVING ROSENFELD
Is that Duke Ellington on your
bracelet?

She does have on a Duke Ellington charm bracelet.

SYDNEY PROSSER
As a matter of fact, it is. He died
this year, you know.
10.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I know. I doubt anyone else here
knows or cares about it.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Well I care. He saved my life many
times.

Irving takes a good look at her, impressed.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(impressed)
Mine too. Which one?


SYDNEY PROSSER
Jeep’s Blues.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(smiles, warm)
Jeep’s Blues. Oh yeah.

Awkward pause.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You wanna hear it?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Right now?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Sure.

CUT TO: PORTABLE RECORD PLAYER PLAYS START OF JEEP’S BLUES as
Irving and Sydney nod to it - he watches her foot in her high
wedge and her tanned leg rocking as she sits on arm of sofa.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Who starts a song like that?!

SYDNEY PROSSER
It’s magic.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Magic.

They listen to the record, Edith checks Irving out.
11.


SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He wasn't necessarily in good
shape, and he had this comb-over
that was rather -- elaborate. He
had this air about him. And he had
this confidence that drew me to
him. He was who he was and he
didn’t care.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Like me, she was a very particular
person. Like me, she came from a
place where her options were
limited -- and she had been someone
she didn't want to be in her past.

CUT TO -- SYDNEY DANCES IN A SMALL TOWN, OLD FASHIONED STRIP
BAR.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
It actually can feel kind of sexy
sometimes. There's a boldness in
it. But where would that boldness
take me? I didn't know. But I was
gonna find out.


8 CUT TO: 8

SYDNEY WALKS DOWN A BLEAK INDUSTRIAL STREET.

CUT TO -- RECORD STORE WHERE EDITH FLIPS THROUGH ALBUMS OF
THE OLD GREATS -- ELLA FITZGERALD, DUKE ELLINGTON, AND MORE
OF THE OLD GREATS -- A WORLD OF ELEGANCE, SOPHISTICATION, AND
CULTURE A MILLION MILES AWAY FROM WHERE SHE LIVES.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Like me, she learned to survive and
reinvent herself. She knew she had
to reinvent her life and her
identity. And like me, she
envisioned a better elegant future
for herself. Like me, she knew you
had to have a vision.
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Irving flashes back to his youth and describes how he became a con artist and a glass repairman. He then meets Sydney at a pool party and they bond over a shared love of Duke Ellington. Through voiceover, both characters describe how they reinvented themselves and how they have big plans for the future.
Strengths "The dialogue and character development are strong in this scene, and the use of voiceover to show the characters' inner thoughts is effective at conveying their motivations."
Weaknesses "The plot doesn't progress much in this scene, and there isn't much conflict or action to keep the audience engaged."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot provide an opinion or critique on scenes as I do not have personal beliefs or preferences. However, I can provide feedback based on general screenwriting principles.

The scene seems to have poor formatting and transitions, making it difficult to follow. It would be helpful to have clear scene headings and a better transition between different time periods.

The use of voice-over narration throughout the scene can come across as laziness in storytelling, it may be better to show the character's experiences and let the audience make their own conclusions.

Additionally, the dialogue between the characters feels lackluster and does not offer much insight into their personalities or motivations. It would be helpful to have more dynamic and meaningful conversations that reveal the characters' motives and backstory.

The scene has potential, but it would benefit from stronger formatting, better transitions, and more impactful dialogue.
Suggestions 1. Consider adding more description to the setting and characters in scene 1 to make it more visually interesting and engaging.
2. Instead of simply telling the audience through voiceover that Irving became a con artist, show him in action in scene 2 to make it more impactful.
3. In scene 3, consider adding more detail and description to the party to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and to further establish the time period.
4. When Irving and Sydney first meet, consider adding more dialogue or interaction between them to develop their chemistry and make their connection more believable.
5. In scene 4, when Sydney is walking down the industrial street and Edith is in the record store, consider adding more visual contrast to highlight the different worlds they come from.
6. Overall, consider adding more visual description and specific details to enhance the audience's immersion in the story and world.



Scene 4 - Sydney's Job Interview and Fashion Upgrade
EXT. NY STREET -- DAY

Sydney looks at scrap of paper with info in her hand -- looks
up at office building address -- enters.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She came to New York. She
envisioned it.
(MORE)
12.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And just like that, she applied for
a job at Cosmopolitan Magazine.


12 INT. COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE OFFICES - DAY 12

Clean bright colors, huge blown up Cosmo covers --

Sydney -- innocent, plain, slacks and blouse, hair back,
nervously awaits interview.

SHE IS CALLED IN -- NERVOUSLY STANDS, small crumpled scrap of
paper in hand, FIXES HER HAIR --


13 INT. COSMO INTERVIEW OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 13

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Well you’re obviously here for a
reason. Let’s get to it.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Alright.

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Our cover story right now is on
cunnilingus. What do you think
about that?

SYDNEY PROSSER
I like it.

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Do you have any clerical skills?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yes.

COSMO INTERVIEWER GIRL
Can you type?

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She was unlike anybody I ever knew.
She was smart. She saw through
people in situations. And she knew
how to live with passion and style.
She understood Duke Ellington.


14 COSMO MAGAZINE OFFICES: SYDNEY PUSHES MAIL CART DELIVERS MAIL 14
TO SOPHISTICATED MAGAZINE EDITORS AND EXECUTIVES, SOME TOUGH
BIRDS, MOST ELEGANT.
13.


15 CUT TO: Edith WATCHES A COSMO COVER SHOOT -- 15

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
I was broke, fearless, with nothing
to lose --


EXT./INT. POOL PARTY - LONG ISLAND HOUSE - DAY

Irv and Sydney dance slowly.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
-- and my dream, more than
anything, was to become anyone else
other than who I was.


24 EXT. LONG ISLAND DRY CLEANERS-- DAY 24

Irv holds the door open for Edith as she enters.

IRVING ROSENFELD
-- I got two in the Bronx and three
in Manhattan. (to an employee) Hey,
Byron.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He had a chain of dry cleaning
stores. He asked me to come in and
upgrade my wardrobe-- he said a lot
of nice things got left behind by
people and forgotten over the years-
-

IRVING ROSENFELD
I mean you wouldn’t believe the
shit that people leave behind here.
Unbelievable.

SYDNEY PROSSER
People leave stuff here?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh yeah. They go out for the night,
they drink, come here in the
morning, put their clothes in and
then they forget. They got no idea
where they left it.

Irving touches a hanging blue sequined dress.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Look at that. Sequined thing. I
don’t know. Is that nice or not?
14.


SYDNEY PROSSER
It’s beautiful.

Irving and Sydney continue to walk through towards the back
and enter a fur vault filled with elegant designer clothes.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I mean, some of it’s been here for
years. They’re not picking it up.
Nobody’s picking it up.

Sydney starts riffling through nice things hanging on the
racks.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You like that?

SYDNEY PROSSER
I love it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It’s yours. You want it? It’s
yours.

Sydney looks back at Irving in shock.

CUT TO: SHE STEPS OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM IN THE VON
FURSTENBERG DRESS - LOOKS FANTASTIC.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You look fantastic!

SYDNEY PROSSER
Oh my god. I can only dream about
these dresses. They’re beautiful.

SYDNEY PULLS CLASSIC CLOTHES FROM THE ABANDONED RACK: ONE,
TWO, THREE. SHE PUTS A JACKET ON HIM THAT HE IS RELUCTANT TO
WEAR, PAISLEY SMOKING COAT.

LATER: THEY GO INSIDE THE ELECTRIC ROTATING CAROUSEL RACK OF
CLEAR PLASTIC COVERED, DRY CLEANED CLOTHES -- STAND INSIDE,
ENCHANTED, SMILING AT EACH OTHER, AS THE RACK SWIRLS
MAGICALLY AROUND THEM. THEY STARE AT EACH IN LOVE.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I felt like we had a secret. Just
the two of us. You know like that
thing where you want to just be
with the one person the whole time.
15.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
You feel like the two of you
understand something that nobody
else gets. I could just tell her
everything about myself. And I
never had anybody like that in my
life before. I felt like finally, I
can truly be myself without being
ashamed, without being embarrassed.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Sydney Prosser hopes to become successful in New York City and she applies for a job at Cosmopolitan Magazine. She nervously awaits her interview and impresses the interviewer with her clerical skills. Meanwhile, Irving Rosenfeld upgrades Sydney's wardrobe at his dry cleaners. They both feel an instant connection with each other and share their innermost thoughts.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases Sydney's determination to succeed in New York City. The chemistry between Sydney and Irving is palpable and their connection is believable. The dialogue is witty and engaging."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict and action, making it somewhat slow-paced. The setting and secondary characters are not particularly memorable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique First of all, it is important to note that this scene is part of a larger story and must be considered within that context. That being said, there are a few things that can be critiqued about this specific scene:

1. Lack of conflict: This scene is mainly focused on depicting Sydney's journey of transforming from an innocent, plain woman to a more confident and stylish version of herself. While this is important for character development, there is very little conflict in the scene. A lack of conflict can make the scene feel stagnant and uninteresting.

2. Dialogue: The dialogue in this scene is straightforward and functional. While it serves its purpose, it does not add much depth or nuance to the characters or the story.

3. Lack of visuals: As a screenwriting expert, I always emphasize the importance of visual storytelling. While there are some visual elements in this scene, such as the Cosmo covers and the clothes in the dry cleaning store, there is not enough emphasis on these visuals to make the scene memorable.

Overall, this scene lacks urgency and tension, and could benefit from more conflict and visual storytelling. However, it is important to remember that this is just one part of a larger story, and its effectiveness must be considered within that context.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Give Sydney more agency: In this scene, Sydney is mainly reacting to what others say to her. To make her a more active character, consider giving her some lines where she asserts herself more, or takes action to pursue her goals.

2. Add more conflict: Right now, the scene is mostly focused on Sydney getting a job at Cosmopolitan and then trying on clothes with Irving. To make the scene more engaging, consider adding some conflict or tension. For example, maybe Sydney has to deal with a difficult interviewer, or maybe she and Irving have a disagreement about something.

3. Show, don't tell: There are a lot of voiceover lines in this scene where Irving talks about how he feels about Sydney. Instead of having him tell the audience how he feels, try to show it through actions and dialogue. For example, show him being more attentive to her, or have him express his feelings directly to her.

4. Tighten up the dialogue: Some of the dialogue in this scene feels a bit stilted or unnatural. Consider making it more conversational and authentic to the characters. Also, try to eliminate any lines that feel extraneous or don't move the scene forward.



Scene 5 - Irving's Main Business
39 INT. Irv’s dingy office - DAY 39

Irv leads Sydney into a small, dingy Manhattan office on an
upper floor.

SYDNEY PROSSER
What is this place? Do you sell art
here?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, sometimes. This is my office.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I know it’s your office, but, you
have these other places. What’s
this for? Why did you bring me
here?

IRVING ROSENFELD
This getting to be my main
business, my growing business. I
help get loans for guys that can’t
get loans. I’m their last resort.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You’re their last resort? Because
interest rates are north of 12% and
heading to 18%.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s right, smarty pants.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Fucking Jimmy Carter. Fucking Nixon
really. And the war and the
deficit and all of that shit.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I love you, you’re so smart. You
are.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Thanks kid but how do you get them
the money?
16.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Well --

SYDNEY PROSSER
You don’t do you? You don’t.

IRVING ROSENFELD
These guys are lousy risks, you
know? I can’t get them a loan but I
get my fee. Five thousand.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Five thousand? You take five
thousand and you don’t give them
anything?

IRVING ROSENFELD
These are bad guys, you know? They
got bad divorces, gambling habits,
embezzling, all that shit, you know
what I mean?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Everybody at the bottom crosses
paths eventually in a pool of
desperation and you’re waiting for
them.

IRVING ROSENFELD
How about ‘we’?

SYDNEY PROSSER
We?

IRVING ROSENFELD
How bout it?

Sydney turns and begins walking out the door as Irving chases
her out.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Sydney. Sydney I’m sorry that was
too much. I went too far. I didn’t
want to upset you.

She continues walking out without looking back and leaves.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
Sydney please, I’m sorry! I know it
ain’t for everybody.

The door slams in Irving’s face
17.


IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
(Irving shouts to the
closed door)
Ah GOD I love getting to know you!


INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - DAY

IRVING PACES AROUND THE OFFICE UPSET AT HIMSELF. SLOWLY SITS
DOWN IN THE DESK CHAIR IN DEFEAT, TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND
SITS BACK.

IRVING ROSENFELD (TO HIMSELF)
What I do that for? I fucked it up.
I should never tell a woman the
truth. She’s so smart. She’s
different.

OFF SCREEN THE DOOR OPENS. SHE WALKS RIGHT UP TO IRVING AS HE
SITS AT HIS DESK. SHE TOSSES HER COAT TO THE SIDE.

IRVING STARES UP HER TENSE -- WHAT WILL SHE DO?

SYDNEY PROSSER
You said it was nice knowing me.
You said it was nice to meet me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah.

SYDNEY EXTENDS HER HAND TO HIM IN A ROYAL FASHION.

SYDNEY PROSSER
(British accent)
Would you like to meet Lady Edith
Greensly?

Irving looks stunned as he slowly clasps her extended hand.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
(British accent)
I have royal banking connections in
London. I’d love to help you with
your loan but of course I have to
be very selective.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That was fucking fantastic.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Thank you. Did you like it?
18.


IRVING ROSENFELD
I liked it. I didn’t think you were
coming back. Thank god you came
back.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I wasn’t going anywhere.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I fucking love you.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You have me.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Irv explains how he helps people who can't get loans but charges a hefty fee. Sydney is skeptical, but later uses her conning skills to impress Irving with her fake royal banking connections. They reconcile and Irving confesses his love for Sydney.
Strengths "Strong characterization and chemistry between Irving and Sydney."
Weaknesses "Some moments feel too expository or contrived."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the description of the office as "dingy" is repeated multiple times, which can be distracting to the reader. It would be more effective to use different language to describe the office that helps build the atmosphere and character of the setting.

Secondly, the dialogue between Sydney and Irving feels a bit expositional at times, with characters stating information that they would already know. The information about Irving's loan business and the types of clients he serves could have been revealed in a more natural way, through actions or more subtle dialogue.

Finally, the transition between the first and second part of the scene is abrupt and could be smoother. Perhaps adding a few more physical actions or dialogue before the door opens and Sydney returns would help make the scene flow more effortlessly.

Overall, the scene is strong but could benefit from some minor tweaks in dialogue and description to make it even more effective.
Suggestions 1. Add more description to the dingy office to create a clearer visual picture for the audience.

2. Simplify dialogue and eliminate unnecessary swearing to create a more polished and professional tone.

3. Develop the relationship between Sydney and Irving further to create stronger emotional stakes and audience investment.

4. Add more context and background information about Irving’s business and how it connects to the main plot of the film.

5. Consider adding more action or visual elements to keep the scene visually interesting and engaging for audiences.



Scene 6 - The Art of the Con
40 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET 40

ONE OF SYDNEY’S NANNY FRIENDS, REBECCA, walk out of a
BUSINESS MAN’s (34) house pushing a stroller as the business
man comes chasing after them.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
And so Irving and I began our
partnership -- in love and
commerce.


BUSINESSMAN
Rebecca, hold on. You’re Edith
right?


SYDNEY PROSSER(V.O.)
He told me to tell my friends I had
(in British accent) London banking
connections

BUSINESSMAN
I'm Jim. I'm her employer. Listen -
- she told me you can get me a line
of credit. I know you have banking
connections in London, England.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
And after that...say “no” a lot
until the guy is hooked.

Edith and Rebecca start walking away as the businessman
chases after them.
19.


BUSINESSMAN
Becky tell her! I’ve never missed a
check!

EDITH GREENSLY
(walking away)
NO!

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
It was almost scary how easy it
could be to take money from
desperate people.

CUT TO:


41 INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - DAY 41

Edith extends her hand to greet ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN, 35.
Edith is dressed in a more sophisticated high end British
fashion.

EDITH GREENSLY
Lady Edith Greensly, it’s so good
to see you again.

ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN, 35
Lady -- your ladyship -- thank you
again.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
These are the roles that we were
meant to play.


42 INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY 42

Another desperate businessman sits across from Edith and
Irving.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We’re very selective.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You got a strong application. We’ll
talk about it.


INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MARK.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I don’t take a deal that I can’t
close.
20.


SYDNEY PROSSER
You’re not being aggressive enough
in putting up your assets --

The man looks nervous --

NERVOUS LOAN APPLICANT
Have you ever been to Queens? Have
you ever been to Great Neck?
Everybody knows my dealerships.


CONTINUOUS MONTAGE AS THEIR CLOTHING CHANGES FROM DAY TO DAY
BUT THE SETTING REMAINS THE SAME AS THEY CON MARK AFTER MARK.

A desperate man takes out a BUSINESS CHECK BOOK and writes
his check.

DESPERATE MAN
Five thousand gets me fifty right?

ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN
Five will get me thirty five. Is
that right?

ANOTHER BUSINESSMAN, 35
Five grand gets me fifty?


INT. IRV’S DINGY OFFICE - ANOTHER DAY

Sydney and Irving laugh and celebrate.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I was doing so much more business
with her. I mean it doubled, then
it tripled.


INT. IRV’S GLASS STORE - DAY

Sydney -- hair getting bigger -- goes over the books with a
Latino Man who nods and watches her --

Edith counts cash in the register - recounts it -- explains
how things can be done better as DRY CLEANING WORKER nods.

Irv watches happy.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
And I never met anyone, man or
woman, in business who was so
careful and precise about
everything. Every stylistic detail.
21.


INT. BUSINESSMAN OFFICE - DAY

Irving and Edith discuss a piece of art they’re in the
process of selling to a businessman.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We kept selling art together, too.

EDITH GREENSLY
It's really a fabulous example of a
genre painting, which is really
rare for the time. It's a boy and
his dog. Non-religious painting.
55. Golden age. Dutch painting.


ANOTHER DAY -- A CAR DEALERSHIP OFFICE -- IRV DROPS THE
CANVAS BAG REVEALING A VINTAGE PAINTING -- (COLORED ORBS AND
LINES) -- TO THE MIDDLE AGED CAR DEALER WHO OWNS THE
WAREHOUSE WHO WRITES A CHECK.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Paul Klee. Bauhaus Movement. 1920s.

MIDDLE AGED CAR DEALER
Before we go any further, is this
legit?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Let’s just say it’s missing from
Spain and leave it at that.

EDITH GREENSLY
Don’t show any Spanish friends.

Irving and Sydney kiss passionately in front of the middle
aged car dealer as he tries to hand them his check.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I mean it just took off. We got an
elegant Manhattan office. We called
it London Associates for her
accent.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Sydney and Irving continue their partnership, conning desperate businessmen and selling art together.
Strengths "Strong establishment of the partnership between Sydney and Irving, consistent tone throughout the scene, clear indication of the type of cons they run, good use of voiceover narration to drive the story forward."
Weaknesses "Lack of real conflict or tension in the scene, reliance on exposition-heavy dialogue in some parts."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene presents a clear and effective progression of Sydney and Irving's partnership in their con artistry. The dialogue is witty and engaging, and the characters are well-defined. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the scene could benefit from more visual description and action. While the dialogue is well-written, there is not much action or setting detail to help the reader envision the scene. Additionally, the scene jumps around quite a bit in terms of location and time, which can be disorienting without clear visual cues.

Secondly, there is a lack of emotional depth in the scene. While it is clear that Sydney and Irving are successful in their business together, there is not much insight into their personal feelings or motivations. This could be addressed with more internal monologue or backstory.

Overall, while the scene effectively serves its purpose in advancing the plot, it could be improved with more visual description and emotional depth.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the characters' motivations: The scene is lacking in terms of the character’s motivations. Why is the businessman so easily convinced to give them money? Is he desperate for the line of credit? Or does he have ulterior motives? Similarly, why are Sydney and Irving doing what they are doing? What is driving their desire to take money from desperate people? Answering these questions will help to create more complex, nuanced characters.

2. Add more conflict: The scene does not have enough conflict to keep the audience engaged. Rebecca walks out of the businessman’s house and starts walking away, and he follows her. There needs to be a more compelling reason for the businessman to want to talk to Rebecca and for her to walk away. Perhaps the businessman is angry about something, or he is afraid he will not get the line of credit he needs.

3. Consider the pacing: The scene moves quickly, and the audience may miss some of the subtleties of what is happening. The montage of scenes showing Sydney and Irving conning businessmen needs to slow down a bit, so the audience can fully understand what is happening in each scene. Additionally, some of the dialogue is rushed and unclear, making it hard for the audience to follow what is happening.

4. Develop the character of Edith: Edith is an important character, but she is not fully developed. More attention should be paid to her motivations and her backstory. Why is she involved in this scheme? What does she hope to gain from it? Additionally, her dialogue needs to be clearer, so the audience can fully understand her role in the scene.

5. Add some humor: The scene is very serious and could benefit from a bit of humor to lighten the mood. Sydney and Irving are clever and witty characters, and they should have some funny lines or witty comebacks to break up the tension of the scene. This will also make the audience more invested in their characters and the story.



Scene 7 - Irv's Moment of Reflection
44 INT. NEW OFFICE LOBBY - MADISON AVENUE - DAY 44

A JANITOR FINISHES POLISHING SILVER PLATED LARGE LETTERS:
LONDON ASSOCIATES to a pale wall as he and Edith sip
champagne from flutes and offer one to the worker who toasts
with them.
22.


IRV DOES HIS TRADEMARK MINIMALIST BADGER DANCE, IN PROFILE,
TO QUIET DELIGHT OF SYDNEY.

Irv and Edith kiss gently, lovingly, sincerely on the lips --

They walk into their CLASSIC LOOKING, STAID, PRIVATE BANKING
OFFICE SUITE.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
When I was around her I felt joy.
Fucking joy! And love. That’s what
I felt.

SMASH TO:


46 EXT. PARK AVENUE - SUNNY DAY 46

47 They dance down Park Avenue together. 47

INT. LOBBY OF PIERRE HOTEL - CONTINUOUS

Irv and Edith dance through the lobby.


49 THE PIERRE HOTEL CAFE 49

As they dance among mostly older wealthy couples on the small
dance floor of the elegant restaurant as a live jazz quartet
plays “I’ve Got Your Number”. Camera circles them, putting
their foreheads together, very happy. THEY SING TO EACH
OTHER quietly as they dance close.


50 INT. ROOM AT PIERRE HOTEL -- NIGHT 50

Irv and Edith make passionate love, we see in pieces --

He gets up, she watches him dress and leave --


52 INT. IRV’S CADILLAC - NIGHT 52

53 He drives over the Triborough Bridge. 53

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
As, as far as I could see, people
were always conning each other to
get what they wanted. We even con
ourselves.
23.


54 INT./EXT. IRV’S CADILLAC - NIGHT 54

55 He drives through the suburb of ranch houses and driveways 55

56 and pulls into his driveway of his split-level ranch. Irv 56
gets out of his Cadillac and walks to the front door of his
house --

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
We talk ourselves into things. We
sell ourselves things we maybe
don't even need or want by dressing
them up. We leave out the risk. We
leave out the ugly truth.


57 INT. IRV’S HOUSE - NIGHT 57

Irv walks into the decorated ranch house, frosted glass with
bird designs, glass tables, walls, black and brown lacquer
everywhere. He walks into the house and looks at a picture
his son did -- a drawing of the Yankees playing baseball --
that is taped to the refrigerator.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Pay attention to that because we’re
all conning ourselves in one way or
another just to get through life.

Irv takes Danny’s picture from the fridge and tip toes --
with low sounds now of O.S. TV -- Irv goes to A CLOSED DOOR
WITH YANKEE STICKERS on it --

Irv OPENS A BEDROOM DOOR TO REVEAL HIS 5 YEAR OLD SON, DANNY.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He was married, and he had a son.


58 INT. DANNY’S ROOM - NIGHT 58

DANNY is on the bed, picture books, baseball cards, spread
all around him. Irv stands holding the picture. Danny looks
over his shoulder.

SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He had adopted her son.

DANNY
DADDY!
24.


SYDNEY PROSSER (V.O.)
He was a really good dad and I
respected him for that. It was a
tough situation for everyone.

Irv’s face lights up.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Danny. This is a fantastic
picture. What did you do today?

DANNY
That kid Donovan is being mean to
me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
The big kid? I thought Mommy picked
you up so he couldn’t bother you.

DANNY
She was late, and then after we put
out the fire, mommy said stay in my
room with my baseball cards.

Danny reaches across to Irving and takes his glasses off his
face and puts them on.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What fire?

DANNY
Did you know they make a lamp that
has the sun in it? [Irv looks at
him] Mommy got the lamp. She made
her special drink and the lamp made
a fire.

Irv looks concerned.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary After a night of passion and dancing with Edith, Irv reflects on the nature of conning and self-deception. He then goes to see his son, expressing his love for him and concern after hearing about a fire caused by Edith's special drink.
Strengths
  • Effective use of voice-over narration to convey character introspection
  • Good use of visual and auditory elements to set tone
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue feels somewhat forced and unnatural

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene seems to focus on the relationship between Irv and Edith, as well as Irv's role as a father to Danny. The scene seems to jump around a bit and lacks a clear structure or purpose.

The opening with the janitor polishing the wall seems unnecessary and doesn't add much to the scene. The minimalistic badger dance also seems out of place and doesn't add much to the story.

The dancing scenes in the lobby and cafe seem to be a bit lengthy and tedious, and could be shortened to focus more on the dialogue and character development.

The intimate scene of Irv and Edith making love doesn't feel particularly necessary to the story and could have been implied or left out entirely.

The transition to Irv driving and talking about people conning each other and themselves is a bit abrupt and doesn't tie in well with the previous scene.

The scene with Irv and Danny is sweet and adds a sense of depth to Irv's character, but it seems a bit rushed and could benefit from more development and focus.

Overall, this scene could benefit from a clearer structure and purpose, and some of the extraneous elements could be cut down to emphasize the key relationships and themes.
Suggestions The scene is very descriptive, but it lacks dialogue that could enhance the emotional depth and character development. Adding dialogue to certain parts of the scene would greatly benefit the overall story.

One suggestion would be to have Edith and Irv engage in conversation during the moments where they kiss and dance together. This would humanize the characters and give them depth beyond their physical attraction.

Another suggestion would be to have Irv and Danny engage in a longer conversation after their initial exchange. This would further establish their relationship and show their genuine connection.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more sensory descriptions, such as the taste of the champagne, the sound of the jazz quartet, and the feel of the bed sheets during Irv and Edith's lovemaking. These details could make the scene more engaging and immersive for the audience.



Scene 8 - The Picasso of Passive Aggressive Karate
59 INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 59

Irv’s wife Rosalyn sits up on the bed in a muumuu, half her
face is burned.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I put out the fire. The fire is
out.

IRVING ROSENFELD
For the first time in my life I do
the right thing.
25.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Oh shut up --

IRVING ROSENFELD
I save a young single mother, and
her kid. I marry her. I adopt him -
-

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You fell in love! Don’t forget we
fell madly in love!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes, I fell in love. My God, I
fell in love. Yes. But you know
what? I thought you were
mysterious like my mother until it
turned out that mysterious just
meant depressed, hard to reach. I
mean, I'm dying here! And you need
somebody who's gonna be quiet like
you. You’re young, you're
beautiful. You gotta find somebody
else. You gotta go out and get
some friends all right? Don't sit
inside --

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I don’t like going out. You know
that I get anxiety when I have to
meet people. You know how hard that
is.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah but you can’t just stay in the
house with the fucking sun lamp.
Alright? And I can't-- I mean,
look, I can't trust you with it
anyway. That fire and everything. I
can't trust to leave you with
Danny.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
I put the fire out Irving! There is
no fire! Maybe if you were here
more, then there wouldn't have been
a fire in the first place.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh, what, there wouldn't have been
a fire if I was here?
26.


ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Just stop with the whole fire
thing. God it was a mistake. I’m
sure a million people do that all
the time. Those sun lamps are
dangerous. Shouldn't even have them
in the house, really. I bet that
happens all the time. This was
nothing.

IRVING ROSENFELD
We’re not happy. Alright?

Rosalyn just stares there for a moment at Irving saying
nothing.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
You know that I could take Danny.
You know that most of your work is
illegal. And you know that if you
tried to divorce me, you know that--
I'm not saying that I would, but
I'm saying that I could. And I'm
saying that that is why I don't
like divorce, Irving. Women do that
in divorces. Women get the
children, and then the fathers
never see them. My mother never got
divorced. My grandmother never got
divorced. There are NO divorces in
my family. I am not getting a
divorce.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Come on. What are we doing here?

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
We fight and we fuck and that’s
what we do. That’s our thing.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
She was the Piccaso of passive
aggressive karate. She was better
than any con artist I'd ever met
including myself. And she had me
like nobody had me.


Rosalyn sheds her muumuu, to reveal a white leotard.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving, come to mama. Come on.
27.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
You might say she was my karma for
how I took advantage of people.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
Irving, come here. Come on. Get
into bed.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Alright.

ROSALYN ROSENFELD
63 Baby, there’s such good stuff here. 63


INT. DANNY’S ROOM - NIGHT

DANNY SITS PLAYING ON THE BED WITH HIS TOYS.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
I did not want to leave the kid
behind. He was my son. She had me.
I was her mark.
Genres: ["drama","romance"]

Summary Irv and Rosalyn argue about their marriage and Rosalyn's anxiety. They end up making up and going to bed, but Irv realizes he is being manipulated.
Strengths "The scene showcases the complexity of Irv and Rosalyn's relationship, with both characters having their own flaws and insecurities. The dialogue is sharp and engaging and the tension between the characters is palpable."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more action or a change of setting to break up the static conversation. At times, the dialogue can feel repetitive."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and conveys the tense dynamic between the two characters. It effectively establishes the power struggle between Irving and Rosalyn, and their complicated relationship.

However, there are a few areas for improvement. Firstly, there is a lack of visual description in the scene, which could make it more engaging to watch on screen. For example, there could be more detail about the bedroom setting, or the characters' body language and facial expressions.

Additionally, some of the dialogue feels repetitive and could benefit from trimming or rephrasing to make it more concise and impactful. For example, the back-and-forth about the fire and Rosalyn's anxiety could be condensed to one exchange.

Finally, the scene could benefit from a clearer sense of what the characters want and are trying to achieve. While their conflicting desires are evident, it's not entirely clear what each of them is working towards in the scene, or how they plan to achieve it.

Overall, while the scene has some areas for improvement, it effectively conveys the tensions and complexities of the characters' relationship.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Clarify the conflict: At the start of the scene, it's not entirely clear what the issue is between Irving and Rosalyn. Is it the fire she caused? Their marriage in general? Anxiety and depression? By establishing the central conflict more clearly at the beginning of the scene, the audience will have a stronger sense of what's at stake.

2. Show, don't tell: Rosalyn tells Irving that they fell madly in love, but we never see that love on screen. Consider adding a flashback or montage that shows their courtship, so the audience can understand why they're together in the first place.

3. Maintain consistent tone: The scene bounces between serious and comedic moments (e.g. Rosalyn shedding her muumuu to reveal a leotard), which can be confusing for the audience. Try to establish a consistent tone throughout the scene to help the audience stay emotionally engaged.

4. Use setting to add context: It's not clear where Irving and Rosalyn are in their relationship - are they newlyweds? Long-time partners? By using setting cues (e.g. wedding photos on the wall, empty champagne bottles, etc.), the audience can understand the context of their relationship and how it's evolved over time.

5. Develop Danny's character: In the final moments of the scene, Irving expresses reluctance to leave Danny behind. This suggests that Danny is an important character, but we don't yet know much about him. Consider adding a scene earlier in the script that establishes Danny's character and his relationship with Irving and Rosalyn.



Scene 9 - The Con Goes Wrong
INT. LONDON ASSOCIATES - DAY

SLOW PUSH IN FROM WIDE SHOT BEHIND NEW CLIENT/MARK, FROM THE
BACK, AS THEY SIT FACING EDITH, TO ONE SIDE, AND IRV, BEHIND
THE DESK.

CAMERA KEEPS PUSHING IN SLOWLY TOWARD THE BACK OF THE MARK’S
HEAD AS HE FACES SYD AND IRV.

WE NOW SEE THE MARK: A charismatic, mercurial, wild eyed
BUSINESSMAN “MORT PAPIERMAN” in need of a loan.

Mort’s eyes go from her knees to her eyes -- His eyes meet
Sydney’s -- he looks soulful, open. She stares at him. Irv
notices uncomfortably. He’s JEALOUS.

IRVING ROSENFELD
-- and every deal I take, I close.
However, my fee is non refundable,
just like my time.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
(filling out paper work)
I want to thank you very much
Irving for seeing me. Sorry I’m so
nervous.

Richie reaches for his top button to adjust it.
28.


MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Am I not buttoned?

Edith stares at him and smiles.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I just gotta say Mr. Rosenfeld,
that Lady Edith was very adamant
that you were top notch and --

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s correct.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
I really need your help. I’m
desperate. I’ve got the Audis for
collateral and the two boats, and I
forgot to mention that I have a
little piece of real estate in Long
Island.

EDITH GREENSLY
No, you didn't mention that. Two
lunches and you never mentioned
that.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
Oh, I was gonna mention it and then
the guy with the hat walked in.

EDITH GREENSLY
The hat.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
And I forgot totally. It was the
second time we had lunch.

EDITH GREENSLY
You couldn't see his eyes. He had
no eyes. It was like, did he make
it?

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
(laughing)
Do they sell hats like that? Where
do they come from? Actually, I went
to the store that I thought maybe
he bought it there. I was gonna get
you one --

EDITH GREENSLY
You were going to get me one?
29.


MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
Like as a memento.

Irving decides to interject.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Two lunches?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes. It’s two lunches. What’s the
big deal?

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s unusual.

EDITH GREENSLY
I was trying to get him to be more
aggressive. On his loan that is.

Mort PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
You showed me a whole new side of
the city I'd never seen before.

EDITH GREENSLY
Oh, good. You’re welcome.

Mort PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
No, thank you.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, right. You liked it? Should I
take you there?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Should I take you there twice?


EDITH GREENSLY
Stop.

IRVING MOTIONS SYDNEY TO COME CLOSE HE WHISPERS
CONFIDENTIALLY TO HER.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(confidential to Edith)
What’s going on, you like this guy?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yes I like this guy.
30.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Is that messing up your judgement?
Don’t be stupid.

SYDNEY PROSSER
No, he’s not messing with my
judgment.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey, play your part.

EDITH GREENSLY
Fine. You play your part.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
(holds out cashiers check)
Take it to your people in London.
Please, take it to them. I got the
cashier’s check right here. I give
you five and you give me fifty
right back, right? Please. Please
don’t reject me. Give a guy a
chance.

MORT/RICHIE REPEATEDLY TRIES TO HAND IT TO IRV, WHO IS BUSY
STARING AT SYDNEY STARING AT MORT. MORT HOLDS THE CHECK IN
THE AIR UNCOMFORTABLY AWKWARDLY UNTIL -- almost in slow
motion --Edith takes the check -- staring at Mort. IRV STARTS
TO LEAVE -

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Zurich? You got an office in
Zurich? Paris? I can call Paris?

IRVING ROSENFELD
If you could excuse me for one
second?

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, take your time. Do whatever
you need to do. Go ahead, take your
time.

HE HEADS TO THE REAR EXIT WHILE SYD MOVES TO ANOTHER -- IRV
OPENS THE DOOR - BAM -- A WARRANT IS HELD UP TO HIS FACE BY
STOCKY FBI AGENT SCHMIDT IN A SUIT - HE WALKS IRV BACK INTO
THE OFFICE --

AS Edith OPENS A SIDE DOOR -- BANG - FEDERAL AGENT STOCK
WALKS HER BACK INTO THE OFFICE WITH A WARRANT.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You got the wrong office, you’re
gonna be embarrassed.
31.


THE AGENTS START PUTTING EDITH IN CUFFS IMMEDIATELY.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
HEY, HEY, HEY! GO EASY ON HER.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
I may not have you, Irving, but I
have her on fraud. Impersonating
another individual.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Fraud?! Fraud? What is that?
Identity fraud?

AGENTS SCHMIDT AND STOCK IMMEDIATELY START TAKING BOXES OF
FILES FROM DRAWERS, IMPOUNDING EVIDENCE.

MORT PAPIERMAN/RICHIE DIMASO
You may be from England, Edith, but
you’re not royal and you have no
banking connections and that’s a
felony. How long is that? That’s 3-
5 years I think.

EDITH GREENSLY
(about the handcuffs)
Hey! Not so tight!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Oh really? That’s interesting. I
don’t even know your real name.

Richie pulls out a badge and shoves it in Irving’s face.

RICHIE DIMASO
Richie Dimaso, FBI. Nice to meet
you.

Richie looks at Edith with concern and points at Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
You gotta get away from this guy.

Agents take boxes of files out of the office- Irv standing
alone in center of room- shell-shocked.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Irving, Sydney, and Edith meet Mort Papierman, a businessman in need of a loan. After some playful banter, Mort gives them a cashier's check. As Irving tries to leave, he is arrested by FBI Agent Schmidt for fraud. Edith is also taken into custody. Richie Dimaso, an FBI agent, reveals himself and tells Edith to stay away from Irving. Agents impound files as Irving stands in shock.
Strengths "The scene has a high level of conflict and suspense as Irving and Edith are arrested, which increases tension. The dialogue is entertaining and humorous at times while also revealing the characters' personalities and motivations."
Weaknesses "The scene may be confusing for viewers who haven't seen the previous scenes or don't know the characters' backgrounds. Some may find the arrest and impounding of evidence cliche or predictable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and a clear objective, but there are some areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the opening description of the shot is a bit confusing and could be simplified. Instead of describing the shot, it would be more effective to start with the dialogue and actions of the characters.

Throughout the scene, there are some awkward transitions between different characters talking. It might be helpful to have clearer indications of who is speaking at each moment.

Additionally, the dialogue could be tightened up a bit to make it more concise and effective. Some lines, like Richie's comment about getting a hat, feel unnecessary and don't add much to the scene.

One area that is done well is the tension building with the arrival of the FBI agents. The tension is palpable and keeps the audience engaged. However, the final moment where Richie reveals himself as an FBI agent feels a bit forced and sudden. It might be helpful to plant some earlier hints or foreshadowing to make the reveal feel more natural.

Overall, with some tweaking and polishing, this scene has the potential to be a effective and engaging moment in a larger story.
Suggestions Firstly, the scene appears to have too much dialogue that doesn't serve the story or reveal character information. Secondly, the scene lacks a clear goal or objective for the characters involved, leading to a lack of tension and conflict.

To improve this scene, I would suggest:

1. Streamline the dialogue to focus on the main objectives of the scene, such as Mort Papiernam's loan and the FBI's investigation, while cutting out unnecessary details and banter. Use dialogue to reveal character information, like Mort's nervousness or Edith's charm and wit.

2. Give each character a specific goal or objective to make the scene more engaging. For instance, Mort wants a loan, Edith wants to charm Mort and get his business, and the FBI agents want to catch Edith and Irving.

3. Create tension and conflict among the characters by using their conflicting objectives. For instance, Irving is jealous of Mort and doesn't want Edith to get too close to him, but Edith needs to charm Mort to secure his loan. Meanwhile, the FBI agents are closing in on them, creating a thrilling sense of danger and urgency.

4. Use visual storytelling to enhance the scene. Instead of relying solely on dialogue, show physical actions, like Mort repeatedly trying to hand Irving the check or the FBI agents taking boxes of files, to keep the scene visually interesting and engaging.

5. Finally, end the scene on a cliffhanger or reveal to leave the audience wanting more. For instance, the FBI agents could arrest Edith and Irving, leading to an unexpected twist in the plot.



Scene 10 - Richie Confronts Edith in Holding Cell
64 INT. FBI HOLDING OFFICES - DAY. 64

SYDNEY IS LED INTO A HOLDING CELL BY AN FBI AGENT.
32.


IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
He wouldn’t let me see her for
three days. He even managed to
delay a lawyer.


INT. FBI HOLDING CELL - DAY

Dim cell, lit only from small high barred window, no lights
on. Edith looks like she’s coming apart -- circles under her
eyes, a shadow of her confident self -- pale, scared, hair
flat, stringy, unglamourous, pacing, rocking.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
65 She couldn't handle it. 65


66 INT. FBI HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 66

FLUORESCENT LIGHTS COME ON IN THE CELL -- Edith squints. Cell
is unlocked by Richie Dimaso WHO enters with a cup and saucer
of tea. He stands near her with the tea.

RICHIE DIMASO
(to the other side of the
two-way mirror)
Joe, how come the fluorescents are
on? Can we kill that, please? (to
Syd) Jesus I put this lamp here for
you 'cause I thought it'd be better
for you. There's a wire here.
They're scared because people hang
themselves but I know you’re too
smart for that. Where’s the table
and chair? There's no bed here?
It’s like a fucking asylum. Joe, is
everybody off today? Jesus Christ
it’s scary. Maybe I wanted to scare
you. I don’t know. Maybe it was my
idea. Maybe i’m a little off the
beaten path you know? I don’t know.
You look dehydrated. Here, want to
try some tea? Oh yeah, your lips
are all chapped. (re: tea) It’s
herbal. My favorite.

Richie bends down to Edith who is sitting on the floor in the
corner and hands her the cup and saucer. She lifts the cup
but her hand is shaking almost violently as she raises the
cup to her lips.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I know you think -- look at me.
Hey. Edith.
(MORE)
33.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I know you think Irv loves you. I
know you think you know him -- that
he sees the world as a cold, dark
place, and he cares about nobody
but very few people on his short
list: his son, his father, Rosalyn,
and you. And you think you’re at
the top of that list. But what if
you’re not. What if you’re not even
on the list at all? He’d be in
here right now if he took the
check.

She thinks about this. She trembles.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
He'd be in here right now if he
took the check. But no, you did.
God, it's, it's so clear to me.
It's so crazy -- it's clear to me,
but it's not clear to you. He uses
you, Edith, to protect himself. To
protect his son and his wife in
Long Island. No? Yes. He put a
ring on her finger, he adopted her
son. They have huge house, they
have two cars. What does she do all
day? I'll tell you what she does --
she plays with her nails, she
watches T.V., and she spends your
money, the money that you make.

Edith stares at Richie, taking this in.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
I don't like that you're in jail
while he's going free. I don't
like any of that. I want to help
you. All the razzle-dazzle that he
does, it's not good. It's not real.
It's fake. It's not real. Who you
are is who you are, between you and
God. You and your soul. That's what
matters. That's what counts.
That's what I'm about. And that's
what I see in you. Tell me you
didn't feel it the first time we
saw each other. Am I crazy? I don't
think so. I'm not supposed to be
talking like this, but I don't
care, I break the rules.

Edith looks at Richie in silence as she thinks about what
he’s saying.
34.


RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
Okay, Edith? Edith. I want to help
you. I like you. (whispers) I like
you. (dead serious) I like you.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary Richie Dimaso confronts Edith in her holding cell, questioning the nature of her relationship with Irving Rosenfeld and attempting to sway her into cooperation.
Strengths "The scene is emotionally charged and provides insight into the dynamics of the characters. Richie's manipulation of Edith is unsettling yet intriguing, and the dialogue is well-written."
Weaknesses "The scene is relatively slow-paced and could benefit from more action. The setting is also rather static, which may make the scene less visually interesting."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 10

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written, with strong dialogue and character relationships. However, there are a few areas that could use improvement.

First, the scene could benefit from more description of the setting. The only description we get is of the lighting and the lack of furniture in the cell. Adding more details about the space and how it's affecting the characters would help to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.

Second, there could be more exploration of Edith's internal thoughts and emotions. We're told that she's scared and shaking, but it would be more impactful to see her inner turmoil as she grapples with Richie's accusations and attempts to manipulate her.

Finally, some of Richie's dialogue feels too expository and on-the-nose. For example, when he spells out exactly who Irv cares about, it feels like he's trying to explain the story to the audience instead of having a genuine conversation with Edith. Cutting down on some of this exposition and trusting the audience to connect the dots would make for a stronger scene.

Overall, though, the scene is engaging and does a good job of building tension between the characters. With a few tweaks, it could be even more effective.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the tense and uncomfortable situation that Edith is in. However, here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. Start the scene with Edith, not with Sydney being led into a holding cell. This will immediately establish the main character and create more emotional investment from the audience.

2. Cut out some of Richie's rambling monologue. While it is necessary to establish his manipulative and unstable personality, some of the dialogue feels repetitive and could be condensed or simplified.

3. Give Edith more agency in the scene. Right now, she mostly just listens to Richie's speech without responding or reacting strongly. Adding more specific actions or dialogue from Edith could make the scene more dynamic and give the character more depth.

4. Consider adding more description of the physical setting and the characters' body language. Right now, the scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey the emotions of the characters, but incorporating more sensory details could make it feel more immersive and add nuance to the performances.



Scene 11 - Negotiations with the Law
67 INT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY - DAY 67

Irv stands alone on the other side of the glass staring at
Sydney.

Richard Dimaso walks in.

RICHIE DIMASO
Been in there three days. Hasn’t
been so good for her.

Irv continues to stare at Sydney.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
How does that make you feel her in
there? That check was for you,
right? But you knew somethin' was
off. That's 'cause you're good.
You're, like, the best at what you
do in the whole country, aren't
you?

Irv looks at him.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
But you know what? If the country
were run by people like you, Irving
Rosenfeld we'd be living in Eastern
Europe or Guatemala. You ever been
in Guatemala? You ever been in jail
in Guatemala? You ever try to get a
telephone or a permit or anything
in Guatemala? That's what this
country would be like if we let
people, let the liars like you, run
this country.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Who made you god and judge?

RICHIE DIMASO
My grandmother lived to be ninety-
three years old. Never lied in her
life.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Congratulations.
35.


RICHIE DIMASO
Thank you. I'm proud of that, too.
Does that make her not a good
person? Is that not something to
strive for?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Why you breaking my balls? Get to
the point.

RICHIE DIMASO
I see something in you, Irving. I
get very excited. I think that we
have a lot of potential here. Now,
look. I came up with the idea.
It's all from me. I want to change
things. I want to go after white
collar crime. Irving, you're very
skilled. And I want you to teach me
and we can do this. I want four
people that do what you do.
Fraudulent investments. Fake
certificates of deposit. Stolen
art, fake art. You get me four
people and you're off the hook.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Four busts and you'll leave us
alone? We don't have to testify?

RICHIE DIMASO
You're good, you're done. Anything
you want. But if you run, then your
life is over. You'll be hunted, and
it's gonna be very difficult for
Rosalyn and your kid to live in
this country.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Richard Dimaso offers Irving Rosenfeld a deal to get off the hook for their fraudulent activities, in return for four busts of similar criminal behavior.
Strengths "The tension between the two characters and their differing viewpoints adds intensity to the scene. The proposal of the deal provides a new direction for the plot."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action and could be seen as exposition heavy."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene is engaging and full of tension. The dialogue is well-written and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. However, there are some areas for improvement:

Firstly, there could be more specificity around the setting and the characters. For example, the audience could benefit from knowing more about the FBI officer and their relationship to the main characters.

Secondly, the action in the scene could be more dynamic. The scene feels static, with characters mostly just standing and talking. Some movement or interaction between characters could be added to make the scene more visually interesting.

Finally, while the tension in the scene is well-executed, it is not entirely clear what the stakes are. The audience knows that Irv is in trouble and that Richie is offering him a way out, but it is not clear what the ultimate consequences could be if Irv doesn't agree to Richie's plan. Adding some more clarity around the risks involved could heighten the tension even more.
Suggestions 1. Establish the location: It would be helpful to set the scene by describing the FBI office and the federal building in New York City.

2. Build up the tension: There needs to be more tension between Irv and Sydney. This would help to create a more dramatic scene. Perhaps Sydney could be visibly distressed or agitated.

3. Develop the characters: The characters of Irv and Richard need to be more fully developed, as they seem one-dimensional at the moment. Adding more backstory and depth would help make the audience care about them.

4. Introduce conflict: The scene needs more conflict to keep the audience engaged. Irv and Richard could have differing opinions about white-collar crime, or Richard's personal history could be revealed to impact their interaction.

5. Show don't tell: There could be more visual action rather than dialogue. For instance, Irv could pace around the room or fidget with something on his desk. This would give the scene more dimension and make it more interesting to watch.



Scene 12 - A Breakdown in the Apartment
68 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT 68

A NICE UPPER EAST SIDE apartment. Sydney has finally changed
her clothing from when she wore the same dress at the holding
cell. It is quiet in the apartment - faint street noise from
3rd Avenue below.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We need to leave. We need to run
and we need to do it now. We can go
to Estonia or Romania, I don't
care, we'll take the cash from the
bed and get out of here, alright?
We talked about it a hundred times.
36.


Irv stares at her and struggles.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What about Danny?

SYDNEY PROSSER
What about Danny?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I adopted him! I gave him my name!
I'm not leaving him with Rosalyn,
she's unstable!

SYDNEY PROSSER
That’s a manipulation! Rosalyn’s
will never let you go. She'll use
Danny against you because she's too
messed up to let you leave.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t leave him. I love him.
Alright? He’s my son.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Richie said you would say that.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Richie? What, the cop? Your on a
first name basis with him?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yes I am. I’m not even on your list
am I?

IRVING ROSENFELD
What list?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Your list. Your short list. Your
long list. I'm not even on anyone
of your fucking lists. I thought
you loved me. I thought we had
something.

IRVING ROSENFELD
We do have something. I love you,
it’s perfect! What are you saying?
We're gonna go to Romania? We're
gonna take Danny?

SYDNEY PROSSER
Yes. Yes, that’s what I’m saying.
You, me, Danny.
37.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Well you never said that before.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I’m saying it now. We're us, and we
can make it an adventure like we
did. We can make it an adventure
like we make everything, alright?
But we have to go now. We have to
leave right now.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I can’t leave Danny. I’ll lose
custody.

SYDNEY PROSSER
You have to take me away! We have
to leave!


(sobbing)
What are you saying?! Oh my god.


IRVING ROSENFELD
What are you doing?! Please!

Sydney goes storming out of the room and down the hall of her
apartment. Irving follows.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I can’t believe this is happening.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t say I don’t love you because
that’s bullshit!

SYDNEY PROSSER
(sobbing)
This is bullshit. You are bullshit.
We are bullshit.

She starts sobbing, shaking.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Please don’t do this.

SYDNEY PROSSER
I just never thought you were
conning me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I could never con you. I love you.
Please don’t say this.
38.


Irv walks to her and bends down to join her on the floor as
she sobs.

SYDNEY PROSSER
No, I’m done.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t say that.

SYDNEY PROSSER
(cries)
I'm gonna do these four busts,
these four cons, to get us out of
this. Not just me, but us. And
I'm gonna get really close with
Richie, the cop, in case we need to
use him, if we need another move.

IRVING ROSENFELD
We don’t need another move. We need
four busts, and we’re done.

SYDNEY PROSSER
We are going to need another move,
trust me. And you’re going to be
thanking me. (shifts to British
accent) The key to people is what
they believe and what they want to
believe and I want to believe that
we were real, and I want to believe
that a man could want me. And I'm
gonna take all of that heartbreak,
and all of that sorrow, and I am
going to use it. And I'm going to
make Richie think that I want him,
and that I like him, and I’m going
to be very convincing -- And I’m
pissed at you.

Sydney reaches over and carefully grabs Irving’s face
lovingly which quickly turns into a slap as she continues on.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Because I’m pissed at you!

Irving stares at Sydney with confusion. He’s never seen her
like this before.

SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Maybe I do like him -- Maybe I like
him a lot. From the feet up right --
baby?

Sydney gets up from the couch and storms back to her room.
39.


SYDNEY PROSSER (CONT’D)
Quite your belly aching and come up
with something to get us out of
this. And you're right -- I'm in no
state to deal with this so what's
it gonna be, Mister Mastermind?

SOUND PRELAP:

RICHIE DIMASO (O.S.)
69 An Arab sheik? Why do we need an 69
Arab Sheik?
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Sydney and Irving argue about leaving to protect themselves from the FBI, but Irving is hesitant to leave his adopted son. Sydney becomes emotional and angry, revealing her plan to get close to Richie. The argument ends with Sydney storming off, leaving Irving confused.
Strengths "Strong emotional beats and character development through dialogue."
Weaknesses "Lack of clear action in the scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written and engaging, with solid character development for both Sydney and Irving. The dialogue feels genuine and natural, and the tension between the two characters builds effectively.

One potential critique is that the physical actions and movements of the characters are not described in much detail. It would be helpful to have more information about their body language, facial expressions, and gestures, as this would help to further convey the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Another potential critique is that the transition between Sydney's emotional outburst and Richie's entrance is somewhat abrupt and jarring. It might be helpful to have a brief transition or bridge to make this shift feel more natural and seamless.

Overall, though, this seems like a well-crafted and engaging scene that effectively develops the characters and advances the plot.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions I have to improve this scene:

1. Increase the tension: The scene could benefit from some more tension building. Perhaps the sound of Rosalyn or Danny in another room could be heard, making it clear that time is running out and they need to make a decision quickly.

2. Clarify Irving's motivations: It's not entirely clear why Irving is so unwilling to leave Danny, despite Sydney's arguments. If his reasons were made clearer, it would make the conflict more compelling.

3. Add some physical action: There is a lot of dialogue in this scene, so adding some physical action could help break it up and make it more visually interesting. For example, Sydney could throw a suitcase on the bed and start packing, or Irving could pace back and forth in the room.

4. Develop Richie's character: Richie seems to come out of nowhere at the end of the scene, so some more development of his character earlier in the movie could help make his appearance more meaningful. Perhaps there could be some foreshadowing or hints dropped earlier in the film that he will play a role in the story later on.

5. Keep the dialogue realistic: While the dialogue in this scene is generally good, some of Sydney's lines (like her sudden shift to a British accent) feel a bit forced and unnatural. Keeping the dialogue realistic and grounded in the characters' motivations and emotions will help make the scene more effective.



Scene 13 - The Art of Deception
70 INT. ART MUSEUM - DAY 70

Richie, in sharp lapeled suit, chain on his neck, walks with
Irv and Edith and joined by a man who looks like an ARAB
SHEIK who they trail.

IRVING ROSENFELD
How do you think this works,
stupid?

SYDNEY PROSSER
If you could not call him ‘stupid’
which he’s isn’t, he’s smarter than
you. Last I checked he’s in control
here and we work for him now so be
nice.

Richie stares at Edith elated that she just stuck up for him.
He’s really enjoying this position of power she’s putting him
in.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(stares at her, upset)
OK, to set this up and bust a con
artist we have to make the honey
pot to attract the bees. In order
to attract the bees, we need to
offer them a wealthy individual who
can be taken advantage of, someone
special, someone new, someone
amazing. Then those guys will want
to sell fake bank CDS to THAT guy,
take the sheik’s money, see?

Richie looks at Irving uncertain.

SYDNEY PROSSER
Only they can’t get into his money
unless you they know someone, and
that someone is us.
40.


RICHIE DIMASO
Oh that’s good.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
So if you want to get somebody like
your con artist friend -- Carl
Elway -- you get him to want to buy-
-

IRVING ROSENFELD
Keep your voice down.

RICHIE DIMASO
-- or sell fake art or stolen art
or fake certificates of deposit, he
needs -- who does he need? -- he
needs a rich sheik guy, and there
you go -- we can pinch him!

IRVING ROSENFELD
Right, but I don’t tell Elway shit.
I wait for him to call me. The art
world is a small world -- and one
of Elway's acquaintances is
clocking us right now.

Richie starts to look around.

RICHIE DIMASO
Where?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Don’t look.

Richie looks anyway and sees ELWAY’S ACQUAINTANCE, a man
balding, 45 clocking them from the balcony.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT’D)
You have a good look?

RICHIE DIMASO
How do you know the Sheik?

IRVING ROSENFELD
This is my friend Al from Queens.

AL FROM QUEENS/SHEIK
I do aluminum siding and roofing.

Richie stares, impressed.
41.


INT. ART MUSEUM - NEXT ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Irving, Edith, Richie, and the fake Sheik admire a REMBRANDT
painting on the wall.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I want to show you something. This
Rembrandt here? People come from
all over the world to see this.

RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah, he's good.

IRVING ROSENFELD
It’s a fake.

RICHIE DIMASO
Wait, what’re you talking about?
That's impossible.

IRVING ROSENFELD
People believe what they want to
believe. Cause the guy who made
this was so good that it’s real to
everybody. Now whose the master --
the painter or the forger?

Richie’s continues to stare at the REMBRANDT on the wall.

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s a fake?

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s the way the world works. Not
black and white as you say.
Extremely grey.

ELWAY’S ACQUAINTANCE walks up to Irving and the group and
steps into the conversation.

ELWAY’S ACQUAINTANCE
Irving can I --

IRVING ROSENFELD
How many times I gotta tell you.
You can’t meet the sheik, alright?

Edith sees this and steps into the conversation.

EDITH GREENSLY
Arthur? Hi. Edith. We’ve met
before.
42.


EDITH GREENSLY (CONT’D)
I wanted to introduce you to Robert
Spencer. We’re advising the Sheik
together.

She looks at Richie. Richie offers his hand.

RICHIE DIMASO
(catching up)
Yeah, I’m Robert Spencer, advisor
to the sheik.


70A EXT. CHELSEA HOTEL -- ESTABLISHING - DAY 70A
Genres: ["crime","drama","thriller"]

Summary Richie, Irv, Edith, and a fake Arab Sheik discuss a plan to bust a con artist by offering him a wealthy mark, while being spied on by the con artist's acquaintance. They admire a Rembrandt painting, which Irving reveals is a fake. The acquaintance tries to approach them but Edith intervenes and introduces Richie as an advisor to the Sheik.
Strengths "The dialogue between the characters is witty and engaging. The scene sets up the plot for the rest of the film."
Weaknesses "The scene is heavy on exposition and may be confusing for some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene has potential but there are a few areas that can be improved.

First, there is a lack of clarity in the dialogue. It can be difficult to follow the plan that Irving is explaining and how they are going to use the fake Sheik to catch a con artist. The dialogue could benefit from simplification or additional clarification to make it easier for the audience to understand.

Second, the characters feel underdeveloped. We don't know much about Richie, Irv, or Edith's motivations or backstory, and therefore it's challenging to be invested in their plan. Adding some depth to their characters could help to make this scene more engaging.

Third, the scene lacks tension. The introduction of Elway's acquaintance doesn't feel like a significant threat and the characters don't seem to be in any real danger. Adding more stakes and tension to the scene could make it more exciting for the audience.

Finally, the transition to the next scene feels jarring and abrupt. A smoother transition could help to keep the audience engaged and connected to the story.

Overall, while there is potential in this scene, there are several areas that could be improved to make it more effective.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Define the character's objectives: It's not entirely clear what the characters' objectives are in this scene. It seems like they are discussing a plan to attract a wealthy individual to scam, but the specifics of the plan are unclear. Adding more context to their discussions, such as what specifically they are trying to sell, and why they need the Sheik's money, will help make the scene more clear.

2. Use descriptive language to set the scene: The scene takes place in an art museum, but there is no description of the surroundings or atmosphere. Adding in some details about the artwork on display, the layout of the museum, and other visual details will help to immerse the viewer in the scene.

3. Develop character relationships: The dialogue between the characters lacks emotional depth and doesn't reveal much about their relationships. Adding in some subtext and history between the characters, such as tensions between Irving and Edith or an attraction between Richie and Edith, will help to create more interesting dynamics.

4. Add conflict: The conflict between Irving and Elway's acquaintance is a good start, but more conflict is needed to propel the scene forward. Adding in obstacles such as security guards or a time limit for their plan will help create tension and raise the stakes.

5. Focus on visual storytelling: A screenplay is a visual medium, so it's important to focus on visual storytelling. Adding in more action, gestures, and visual details will help to convey the characters' emotions and motives. For example, instead of having Richie stare at the Rembrandt without any reaction, you could have him touch it or compare it to a real Rembrandt to illustrate his shock.



Scene 14 - The Sheik and The Conman
71 INT. OFFICE OF CARL ELWAY - SUCCESSFUL, BUT SHADY - DAY 71

CARL ELWAY, 40, preppie Waspy, very old fashioned with
cigarette holder, but something vaguely criminal about him,
in his conservative suit, natty white and red striped shirt,
and navy blue tie sits with Irving.

CARL ELWAY
What’s this I hear about a god damn
Sheik?! Why you leaving me out of
this? I gotta hear about it from my
friends?

IRVING ROSENFELD
It ain’t for you Carl.

CARL ELWAY
What do you mean it ain’t for me?
We gotta do certificates of
deposit. I can print as many as you
need.

IRVING ROSENFELD
This is not a one man operation.

CARL ELWAY
Look, I can get other guys. What
are you talking about Irving?

IRVING ROSENFELD
You’re telling me that you can get
four guys to sell fake certificates
of deposit to my investor within a
week?

The camera zooms into Irving’s shirt collar revealing a tiny
microphone.
43.


CARL ELWAY
Yes I can make that happen. Carl
Elway can do what he says he’s
going to do.

IRVING ROSENFELD
That’s interesting but you know
I’ve got other guys lined up. I’ve
got a meeting with my associates.

SUDDENLY CARL ELWAY’S ASSISTANT, OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS.
Richie Dimaso and Edith ARE STANDING THERE -- MUCH TO IRV’S
DISMAY.

CARL ELWAY’S ASSISTANT
Carl, his associates are here. He’s
got a meeting he’s got to go to.

CARL ELWAY
No wait. Don’t go anywhere.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ve got to go.

Irving gets up to walk out as Richie and Edith stand in the
doorway.

IRVING ROSENFELD (V.O.)
Crazy thing about people -- the
more you say no, the more they want
in on somethin. It is so stupid.


Irving looks over at Richie and Edith.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’ll tell them, don’t worry. Hey
you know what Carl just told me? He
said he could do this whole thing
with four guys within a week.

CARL ELWAY
Or we could do somethin' much
bigger!

Richie jumps into the conversation.

RICHIE DIMASO
Something bigger? My guy deals with
hundreds of millions of dollars.
How much bigger?

He walks over to Carl.
44.


CARL ELWAY
Hundreds of million -- I knew you
were holdin' out on me Irving!
Hundreds of millions of dollars?
Like much bigger. Like I'm talking
about we say never the fuck mind
the CD's and we could have some
complete access to something huge.

RICHIE DIMASO
Huge? Like what? (introducing
himself) Robert Spencer, advisor to
the Sheik.

CARL ELWAY
Carl Elway.

Irv stares at Richie with contempt, then turns to Edith,
DRESSED TO THE NINES.

CARL ELWAY (CONT’D)
I want you to think of the most
undervalued asset in the state of
New Jersey today. The rebuilding of
Atlantic City.

Richie looks over at Irving and Sydney and mouths the word
“WOW”.

CARL ELWAY (CONT’D)
Look, maybe they, maybe they
legalized gambling a year ago but
nothing’s happening.

Irving interjects.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey, quit while you’re ahead Carl.

CARL ELWAY
I know the guy. I know the right
people who are going to help you
out.

RICHIE DIMASO
Whose the guy?

CARL ELWAY
The guy is Carmine Polito.

RICHIE DIMASO
Whose Carmine Polito?
45.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Carl Elway tries to get involved in Irving and Sydney's scam involving a sheik, but Irving turns him down. Richie Dimaso and Edith interrupt the conversation and suggest a bigger scam involving Carmine Polito and the rebuilding of Atlantic City.
Strengths "The scene introduces Richie and Edith and sets up a bigger scam for the characters. It also develops Carl Elway's character and his involvement in the story."
Weaknesses "The emotional impact of the scene could be stronger."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is snappy and keeps the audience's attention. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the character descriptions are a bit clichéd and rely on stereotypes. Carl Elway is described as "preppie Waspy" and having "something vaguely criminal about him." It would be more interesting to explore his character in a more nuanced and unique way, rather than relying on stereotypes.

Secondly, the camera direction is a bit distracting and unnecessary at times. For example, the zoom into Irving's shirt collar to reveal the microphone feels contrived and doesn't add much to the scene. It would be better to rely on the dialogue and actions of the characters to convey the necessary information.

Finally, the ending of the scene feels abrupt and doesn't have a strong enough payoff. While the introduction of Carmine Polito is intriguing, it doesn't feel like a strong enough cliffhanger to leave the audience wanting more. It would be helpful to include some sort of twist or revelation to make the ending more impactful.

Overall, this scene has strong writing and engaging dialogue, but could be improved by avoiding stereotypes, relying less on camera direction, and adding a stronger ending.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Give more context about what the characters are trying to achieve and why this meeting is important. What is at stake? Are they trying to pull off a heist? If so, what is the objective?

2. Develop the characters more. Right now, they all seem like one-dimensional stereotypes. Give them more life by describing their personalities, quirks, and motivations.

3. Cut down on the dialogue. The scene is long and the characters spend too much time talking about the same thing. The dialogue could be streamlined and made more efficient.

4. Use visual storytelling to help convey information. For example, instead of having Carl say he can print as many certificates of deposit as they need, show him actually printing them.

5. Consider adding more tension and conflict to the scene. Right now, the characters seem to be getting along just fine, and there is no sense of danger or jeopardy. Adding a sense of risk and danger will make the scene more exciting.



Scene 15 - The Charisma of Carmine Polito
75 INT. FBI OFFICE, FEDERAL OFFICE BUILDING, NY 75

PUSH IN: STODDARD THORSEN, Richie’s FBI supervisor.

STODDARD THORSEN
(shakes his finger ‘no’)
Carmine Polito? Carmine Polito, no.

We freeze frame on Stoddard as we HEAR Richie’S VO:

AS Richie TALKS WE SEE A SHORT FILM ABOUT Carmine Polito:

- PUSH IN: Mayor Polito walks a Camden street waves, shakes
hands of WELL-WISHERS

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
My boss Stoddard proceeded to tell
me that Carmine Polito was the most
quietly powerful person in the
state of New Jersey. A lifetime
native of the very racially mixed
Camden, which had become a ghetto,
and where he had been Mayor for ten
years. A very beloved guy. A guy
who never gave up on his people.
His father had emigrated from Italy
and had stoked coal.

- Frank Sinatras COFFEE SONG, 1940s version, as we see
Carmine talk to and dance joyfully with his kids and wife at
breakfast.


RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
A big family guy with five kids.
They even adopted some other kid.
A black kid from the Boys and Girls
Club who'd lost his family. I mean,
his household was a joyous place.
And his wife Dolly, she was the
apple of his eye and the center of
the household. I mean everyone
loved this guy.

- PULL OUT Mayor Polito walks up steps of City Hall as he
greets a women and her baby; into his office greeted by a
couple of AIDES who show him papers to sign.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
And he had a huge heart.
46.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Richie's boss, Stoddard, shakes his finger 'no' when Richie suggests Carmine Polito as a target. We are then shown a short film about the charismatic Mayor of Camden, NJ, who is deeply loved by his family and community.
Strengths "The scene effectively establishes Carmine Polito as a complex and likable character, creating empathy for him and making the audience question the morality of Richie's mission."
Weaknesses "The scene may have slowed down the pacing of the overall plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 10

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, I think this scene is effective in introducing the character of Carmine Polito and establishing his reputation in the state of New Jersey. However, there are a few areas where I would make some critiques.

First, the freeze frame on Stoddard Thorson may be a bit jarring and disrupt the flow of the scene. Consider a smoother transition to the voiceover narration and the short film.

Second, the short film itself may benefit from more cohesive editing and a clearer focus on the most important moments of Carmine Polito's life and character. As it stands, the film jumps quickly from Mayor Polito walking the streets to dancing with his family to signing papers in his office. Try to craft a more coherent visual narrative that captures the essence of who Polito is.

Finally, while the voiceover narration does a good job of introducing Polito's background and reputation, it may be supplemented with more nuanced dialogue and interactions between characters later in the film. Consider how other characters might discuss or interact with Polito in a way that elevates his character beyond the simple reputation established here.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest making a few changes to improve this scene.

1. Add visual interest: Currently, the scene is just a series of freeze-framed shots with voiceover narration. This could be visually boring for the audience. Consider adding more dynamic camera angles or movement to make the visuals more engaging.

2. Clarify the purpose of the scene: Right now, it's not clear what the scene is trying to accomplish or why it's important. Is it to introduce Carmine Polito as a character, to establish his reputation, or to show how much Richie admires him? Clarifying the scene's purpose can help ensure it's adding value to the overall story.

3. Tighten the dialogue: The dialogue in the voiceover narration is a bit clunky and could be tightened up for better flow. Consider cutting unnecessary details or refining the language to make it more concise and impactful.

4. Consider alternative ways to tell the story: Rather than relying exclusively on voiceover, consider showing the scenes in real time, with dialogue and action playing out on-screen. This can make the scenes more immersive for the audience and can help establish a stronger emotional connection to the characters.



Scene 16 - Planning the Scam
78 INT. CAMDEN CITY HALL - W.P.A. MURAL ROOM - DAY 78

CARMINE POLITO
(giving speech)
The W.P.A. employed craftsmen to
paint this during the Depression.
Why can't we employ people today to
do work like this in rebuilding
Atlantic City?

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
He worked with all the unions. He
was the leader of the State
Assembly. And he had just gotten
gambling legalized in New Jersey to
create jobs.

80 -- FLOOR OF STATE ASSEMBLY -- Carmine huddles with other 80
STATE LEGISLATORS, horsetrading and then poses for a picture
with other members of the State Assembly.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
But he couldn’t get the funds to
rebuild Atlantic City and that was
his problem. So with our help, he
was about to have his hand in the
wrong pocket at the wrong time.
And to me that meant corrupt

81 BACK TO: 81

STODDARD THORSEN
You said grifters and con artists.
We're not going after some
politician. This is a bad idea,
Richard.

RICHIE DIMASO
Shhhh. Look, it's really simple.
All you need is to put two million
in a Chase account --

STODDARD THORSEN
What?!

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
-- under the Sheik’s name --

STODDARD THORSEN
Whose two million?!
47.


RICHIE DIMASO
Shh, just listen. Two million
dollars under the Sheik's name, in
a Chase account that we control.
Carmine calls up on the telephone --
calls the bank -- and he sees that
the Sheik is real and he has a real
account. Five days.

STODDARD THORSEN
I'm not taking two million dollars
of the taxpayers' money and putting
it anywhere for five days, I don't
care if we control it the whole
time.

Richie as he stares at Stoddard in frustration.

RICHIE DIMASO
Stoddard, let us do what we need to
do to rule out corruption and to
get rid of the payoff guys that are
ruining this country. That's my
dream. Don't smother it, please.

STODDARD THORSEN
You know Richard, I understand your
eagerness. I really do. You know
I'm from Michigan, right? Let me
tell you a story about me, and my
dad, and my brother. We used to go
ice fishing every November. Ice
Fishing. That’s what we lived for.

RICHIE DIMASO
Holy shit --

STODDARD THORSEN
Just listen to me. It's beautiful.
You have a little stove. You huddle
around, you keep each other warm.
You drop a line and you just wait.
One year my brother says, “let's go
in October." He wants to go ice
fishing in October. My dad says,
"No, the ice is too thin." My
brother says -- I love my brother
he says --
48.


RICHIE DIMASO
I understand what's happening.
You're saying your brother went out
on the ice, the ice was too thin,
he fell through the ice, he went in
the water because he was too eager,
and you're saying I'm too eager --
that's what you're saying?

STODDARD THORSEN
No, that’s not what I’m saying.

RICHIE DIMASO
What are you saying?

STODDARD THORSEN
We’ll finish the ice fishing story
another time, young man. For now,
no Carmine Polito. Go do your job.

Richie looks at him annoyed and upset.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
Stoddard shot the whole thing down.

RICHIE DIMASO
Boring.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
But Edith was a genius.

83 SEE B-ROLL OF: Edith and Richie walk back into FBI building, 83

84 down corridor; 84

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She somehow found this woman who
controlled the wire room. A woman
I’d never heard of. Way back in a
warren buried in the Bureau. This
cat lady nobody even talked to.
Edith met her in the ladies room
and became friends with her. This
lady handled all the wires and now,
she was working with us.


SMASH TO:

85 Edith and Richie enter to find BRENDA, FBI, MATRONLY, OLDER; 85
EDITH carries a basket of exotic teas;
49.


RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She was excited to be included in
an operation instead of being on
the other end of a memo. It was
beautiful.

Edith goes to hand her the PIMMS CUP and basket of teas.

EDITH GREENSLY
Brenda, hi!

BRENDA MCPHERSON
Hi!

EDITH GREENSLY
You said you liked exotic food, so
that’s from England.

BRENDA MCPHERSON
That’s from England?

EDITH GREENSLY
That’s right. And I brought you
some tea as well.

BRENDA MCPHERSON
Thank you so much! Nobody ever
tells me about these operations,
they just say, “Brenda, do the
clerical wiring work and don’t ask
questions.”

EDITH GREENSLY
You need to tell Richie about your
cats. He loves them.

BRENDA MCPHERSON
Oh my cats?!

Brenda starts pointing out pictures of all her cats tacked to
the walls amidst the wire memos and paperwork.

BRENDA MCPHERSON (CONT’D)
Well that’s Harry -- look at him
standing up, isn't that sweet? And
that's Wendy. She's a rascal. But
Barnaby, that's another story.
Barnaby plays the piano!

RICHIE DIMASO
That’s impressive.
50.


RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We got her to wire two million
dollars into an F.B.I.-controlled
account at Chase. It'd be there
for five days and if Polito called
he’d see that the Sheik was real.


86 HALLWAY OF FBI 86

Edith and Richie laugh excitedly as they walk the hallways.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
By the time Stoddard caught up to
us Edith made sure his boss was
impressed by my idea. So before he
even knew it was happening his boss
was calling to congratulate him.

PUSH IN ON CHIEF US PROSECUTOR, SPECIAL TASK FORCE, ANTHONY
AMADO IN HIS LARGE OFFICE ON THE PHONE WITH STODDARD --

ANTHONY AMADO
I'm very impressed. That was very
smart. The Sheik with the money in
the bank is a fantastic...don’t be
modest.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
Anthony Amado. He was the U.S.
Attorney, and he had a major hard-
on to make a name for himself. I
mean this guy loved the idea of
being famous. And Stoddard had to
say it was his own idea or he'd
look stupid in front of his boss.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary Richie, Edith, and the FBI team plan to get Carmine Polito involved in a scam to rebuild Atlantic City. Stoddard initially disagrees, but Edith helps them get the funds wired into an FBI-controlled account. The scene ends with Stoddard's boss congratulating him on the idea.
Strengths "The scene sets up the main plot of the movie and provides backstory for Carmine Polito. It also shows the conflict between the FBI team and Stoddard, and the introduction of a new character, Brenda. The dialogue is clever and adds to the tension of the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and planning, so there is little action or character development. The emotional impact is low, and some viewers might find the scene boring."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene has good pacing and effective use of voiceovers to convey information. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

First, some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose and lacks subtext. For example, when Stoddard tells his ice fishing story, it's clear from the start where the metaphor is going and the conversation feels a bit forced.

Second, the scene could benefit from more visual and sensory details to make it feel more cinematic. As it is, the scene mostly consists of people talking in offices and hallways. Adding more detail about the setting and characters' actions and reactions could make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

Finally, the scene could use more character development. As it is, we get some information about Carmine Polito and Richie's plan, but we don't learn much about the characters themselves, what motivates them, or what their personal stakes are in this operation. Adding more character development could make the scene feel more meaningful and impactful.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene:

1. Show, don't tell: Instead of relying on Richie's voiceover to explain everything that's happening, try to convey the information visually and through dialogue. For example, instead of having Richie explain that Edith found the woman who controls the wire room, show us the moment where they meet in the ladies' room and strike up a conversation.

2. Show more conflict: The scene currently lacks tension or conflict, which can make it feel flat. Consider ramping up the stakes or adding more obstacles for the characters to overcome. For example, maybe Stoddard has a personal vendetta against Carmine Polito and is reluctant to fund the operation for that reason.

3. Develop the characters more: Aside from Richie and Stoddard, the characters in this scene feel like one-dimensional plot devices. Try to give them more personality and backstory so they feel like real people with their own motives and desires. For example, maybe Brenda the wire clerk secretly dreams of being a spy and is thrilled to be included in the operation.

4. Simplify the action: The scene involves a lot of exposition and technical details that can be hard to follow. Try to simplify the action so the audience can easily understand what's happening and why it matters. For example, instead of showing the characters huddling with legislators and posing for a picture, focus on the moment where they decide to wire $2 million to the Sheik's account.



Scene 17 - Stoddard is Betrayed
INT. STODDARD’S OFFICE --

89 PUSH IN ON STODDARD -- confused, dismayed. 89

STODDARD THORSEN
Thank you, sir, wait, the sheik --


INT. STODDARD’S OFFICE - DAY

He hangs up, pissed, confused.
51.


STODDARD THORSEN
You made me accept praise from my
boss who’s thanking me for
something that never shoulda
happened! Something that I didn't
approve!

RICHIE DIMASO
You should be happy. There's
imaginative things happening in
this office, alright? We're not
just working in a box.

Richie leaves triumphant.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
We got the two million to put
Carmine and the Sheik together.

STODDARD THORSEN
Punk.


90 INT. CORRIDOR OF FBI -- DAY 90

Laughing Richie and Edith walk briskly on their way out.

RICHIE DIMASO (V.O.)
I liked being on this side of the
line. But someone had been left
out.
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Stoddard is dismayed and confused after he was made to accept praise for something he didn't approve of. Richie defends the imaginative things happening in the office and leaves triumphant. As Richie and Edith laugh their way out, he mentions that someone has been left out.
Strengths "The scene sets up a conflict between Stoddard and Richie and shows how Richie's triumph affects Stoddard emotionally. The dialogue between Stoddard and Richie is engaging and moves the plot forward."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from adding more visual action to break up the dialogue-heavy sequence."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and demonstrates a clear conflict between Stoddard and Richie. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Clarity of action: When Stoddard hangs up the phone, the action is described as "pissed, confused." It's unclear what exactly he's confused about - is it the praise from his boss or the fact that something happened without his approval? This could be clearer.

2. Dialogue attribution: In the last line, it's unclear who is speaking - is it Richie or Stoddard? Clarifying this with an attribution would help.

3. Visual description: The scene could benefit from more visual description to help the reader visualize what's happening and where the characters are in space. For example, when Richie and Edith are walking down the corridor, are they walking in step or is one of them walking ahead of the other? Adding these details would help bring the scene to life.

Overall, the scene effectively builds tension between Stoddard and Richie, but could benefit from some additional clarity and visual description.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the context surrounding the events leading up to this scene. The audience needs to understand why Stoddard is confused and dismayed and why the sheik is being mentioned.

2. Develop the characters of Stoddard and Richie so that they have clear motivations for their actions and their dialogue feels authentic and believable.

3. Add some visual interest to the scene. Currently, it consists of two characters talking in an office and then walking down a corridor. Consider incorporating some interesting camera angles or adding some movement to keep the audience engaged.

4. Tighten up the dialogue. Some of the lines feel repetitive or unnecessary. Cut anything that doesn't add to the story or character development.

5. End the scene on a cliffhanger or with a sense of tension or conflict. Right now, Richie leaves triumphant and the scene ends abruptly. Give the audience a reason to want to keep watching.



Scene 18 - The Betrayal
91 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY 91

IRVING ROSENFELD
We succeeded because we stayed
small. I got you Carl Elway. He
bought stolen art, sold fake bank
C.D.'s, that's enough. That's one.
I get you three more -- no
politicians.

Richie and Edith look at him.

RICHIE DIMASO
You're gonna do this because you
got no choice. You work for me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Now you keep changing the rules.
You're gettin' a little power
drunk, Richard.
(MORE)
52.

IRVING ROSENFELD (CONT'D)
You want to tell him, Edith? You
want to wake him up?

EDITH GREENSLY
Oh no, I said we shouldn't do any
of it, Irving. You know I said
that. So now I support Richie.
He's got vision. Do it heavy or
don't do it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
I mean, he's the one ruining
America, not me.

RICHIE DIMASO
How the hell am I ruining America?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Because people just got over
Watergate and Vietnam, alright?
And you're gonna shit all over
politicians again? And just because
you want to be a big shot and get a
promotion.

RICHIE DIMASO
No I'm thinking big. This is gonna
be fantastic. We're doing video
surveillance. I'm doing this from
the feet up.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You will never do it properly
because you got too much government
attitude to be small and sleek.
I'm like the fuckin' Vietcong, man.
I'm in and I'm out. I was there the
whole time -- you don't know it.
That's the fucking art of becoming
somebody who people can pin their
beliefs and their dreams on. And
you can't do it.

RICHIE DIMASO
How about a suite at the Sheraton
Hotel?

IRVING ROSENFELD
For Carmine Polito and rebuilding
Atlantic City?

RICHIE DIMASO
Why not?
53.


IRVING ROSENFELD
You need a luxury hotel for the
Sheik. Come on!

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine does back door dealings all
the time. We don't have a budget
for that Irving!

IRVING ROSENFELD
You gotta knock the Mayor, the
Speaker of the State Assembly --
you gotta knock him off of his
fucking feet. He's gotta feel like
he's out of his league. What you're
offering, this deal, I mean, this
is unheard of in the state of New
Jersey, maybe even the whole
fucking country. A sheik with
hundreds of millions of dollars to
rebuild Atlantic City -- are you
fuckin' kidding me? That's
gigantic. And the Mayor, he's going
to want to see cash, he's going to
want to see it in an account, he's
going to want to see it right now,
and he will check. And that's why
this meeting isn't happening,
because to get millions, you need
millions.

Edith listens intently.

EDITH GREENSLY
(shrugs)
We already did it.

IRVING ROSENFELD
(stunned)
What?

Irv studies Richie and Edith.

EDITH GREENSLY
We got the bureau to park 2 million
for three days -- we got the
account numbers.

IRVING ROSENFELD
‘We’ meaning you and him?

RICHIE DIMASO
Yeah we did it.
54.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Really?

EDITH GREENSLY
Yeah, me and that guy.

RICHIE DIMASO
She showed me.

IRVING ROSENFELD
You showed him our thing? You did
that without me? Are you kidding
me?

EDITH GREENSLY
What are you going to do?


IRVING AND RICHIE LOOK AT SYDNEY, UNCERTAIN.

IRVING SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AND LEAVES. RICHIE STARES
AT SYDNEY SWINGING HER LEGS ON THE COUNTER AS SHE SITS.

RICHIE DIMASO
You playing me? Are we doing this?
Or you playing him? It'd be very
bad for you if you're playing me.

EDITH GREENSLY
You’re going to have to decide for
yourself, kid, I just laid
everything out on the table.

RICHIE DIMASO
This is all very exciting, I never
knew life could be like this.
You’re wild. You know we’re taking
down a very important politician.

Richie stands very close to Edith - between her legs as she
sits on the counter. He puts his hands on her hips, pulls
her into him. He takes her hand -- puts it on his face,
makes her feel his cheek and forehead with her hand. It is
intense. She prepares for him to kiss her but he steps back.
They are both excited. They stare at each other. The air is
thick with tension, Richie exhales and leaves.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
(prelap)
(MORE)
55.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
This is agent Richard Dimaso, I’m
placing $75,000 into this briefcase
for Mayor Carmine Polito to procure
casino license and building permits
for Atlantic City.

BACK TO:
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Richie demands Irving continue the con but Irving pushes back against Richie’s escalating demands while Edith sides with Richie. Richie reveals to Edith that they have already obtained the account numbers, which Irving was unaware of. Irving storms out in disgust.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue and character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue feels a bit overwritten

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene has good pacing and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged. It establishes the power dynamic between Irving, Richie, and Edith and sets up the main plot point of the film. However, the writing could be clearer in some areas, as some of the dialogue is mumbled and difficult to follow. Additionally, there is room for more visual description to enhance the emotional tension between characters and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions The scene can be improved by focusing on the character's emotions and motivations. The dialogue can still be used, but adding more nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language can create tension and suspense. Additionally, breaking the scene into smaller beats can help the audience understand the conflict between the characters and why they are making particular decisions. Furthermore, the stakes can be increased, simmering under the surface to create a sense of unease. This would make for a more engaging and impactful scene.



Scene 19 - Negotiations with Carmine
92 INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE - DAY 92

Where the film started --

See RICHIE TALK TO CAMERA IN A CORNER OF THE PLAZA SUITE--
CLOSE ON MONEY COUNTED INTO BRIEFCASE --

SMASH TO:

IRVING’S EYES WIDEN AS WE CUT TO: Richie SLIDE THE BRIEFCASE
OF CASH, AS SEEN BEFORE, Edith puts her hand on top of
Richie’s to stop him.

IRV’S EYES WIDEN AS IN ‘NO! DON’T DO THAT!’ WHILE HE AND
RICHIE STARE AT EACH OTHER. CARMINE LOOKS DISTURBED AT THE
CASE COMING HIS WAY. HE STANDS.


93 EXT. PLAZA HOTEL -- DAY 93

Carmine Polito, upset, storms down the street as Irving
catches up.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Mr. Mayor -- Please stop. Listen, I
apologize if that prick offended
you. I really apologize.

Carmine will not turn around -- Irving catches up.

CARMINE POLITO
Really, I'm all right, thank you.
I'm okay.

IRVING ROSENFELD
No. I'm fucking embarrassed to be
associated with that guy at all.
Can I just say somethin' to you,
please? Don't lose this opportunity
to fuckin' Florida -- all right? --
because of some bullshit from that
punk advisor with his diploma who
could never get into the school
that we come from. Don't lose that
opportunity.
56.


CARMINE POLITO
Where you from?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I'm from the Bronx. Grand
Concourse, Hundred and Sixty-fourth
Street.

THIS REACHES CARMINE. HE AND IRV ARE CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH.

CARMINE POLITO
I got a lot of friends that live up
there. I go to Tomaso’s on Arthur
Avenue. You know Tomasos’s?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yeah, Tomaso's.

CARMINE POLITO
The spicy clams.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Yes. They're always good.

CARMINE POLITO
Oh, they're to fucking die for,
those clams. I haven't been there
in a while. I like that place.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Carmine -- can I call you Carmine?
You know, Carmine -- (catches his
breath) My fuckin' heart's going
from running down the stairs -- I'm
not used to running. There's a
lotta green grass in that hotel
room up there, alright? And all the
deals would float through you. You
get a serious piece on both ends.
You do with that what you will. I
live in the real world, I am a
family man, I got mouths to feed
and everything. But, you know, we
just...we gotta grease you
directly. No middlemen, no
bullshit. It's the Arab way.

CARMINE POLITO
Yeah, look, I understand. It's a
great opportunity. It's just I got
a little thrown by going to have a
meeting with somebody who ended up
not being there, so --
57.


IRVING ROSENFELD
Hey, listen, I was thrown as well.

CARMINE POLITO
I understand. I'll deal with you
directly. I don't want any
middleman or any of that bullshit.

IRVING ROSENFELD
Done.

CARMINE POLITO
I like you. Eye to eye. We can do
business together.

Irv smiles and nods as they walk back into the hotel
together.

CARMINE POLITO (CONT’D)
How long do you know this guy? You
work with this guy before?

IRVING ROSENFELD
I gotta work with him. He's the
Sheik’s man.

CARMINE POLITO
But I still need to meet the Sheik,
okay?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Done.
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Irving catches up with Carmine after a failed bribe attempt and convinces him to continue with the deal. They bond over their Bronx roots and agree to do business directly.
Strengths "Strong character development, realistic dialogue, and good pacing."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant action, and there isn't much tension."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene begins with Richie counting money into a briefcase and then sliding it to Edith. However, there is no clear context for this action. The scene then cuts to Irv and Carmine discussing the situation. The lack of clear context makes it difficult for the audience to understand what is happening and why it is important. Additionally, the conversation between Irv and Carmine lacks clear objectives. It is unclear who has the upper hand and what the ultimate goal of the conversation is. The dialogue feels clunky and unnatural, lacking the smooth flow of real conversation. Overall, this scene would benefit from clearer context, streamlined dialogue, and more clearly defined objectives.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene - What is the main goal of this scene? Is it to establish Carmine Polito as a potential business partner? Is it to further the plot and move the story forward? It's important to establish the scene's purpose to ensure it's effective in achieving the intended goal.

2. Simplify the opening shot - The opening shot feels unnecessary and doesn't add much to the scene. Consider starting with a shot of Richie placing the briefcase on the table instead.

3. Add more tension - The conflict between Richie and Edith feels resolved too quickly. Consider adding more tension and conflict to make the scene more engaging.

4. Give more context - It's unclear why Carmine is upset about the case of cash. Adding more context and backstory could help provide a clearer understanding of the situation.

5. Cut down dialogue - The dialogue in this scene feels a bit long and could benefit from some trimming. This would make the scene more concise and impactful.



Scene 20 - A Dangerous Plan
94 INT. SYDNEY’S APARTMENT - DAY 94

IRVING ROSENFELD
I’m going out to dinner with
Carmine and the wives in Camden.

RICHIE DIMASO
Who?

IRVING ROSENFELD
Carmine and myself and the wives.

RICHIE DIMASO
What?! Without me?!
58.


IRVING ROSENFELD
He doesn’t like you, what do you
want from me, I got him to come
back and take the money and you got
him on tape alright? I can’t make
him like you. I did my job.

RICHIE DIMASO
Did you tell him you were working
with me? That I’m the Sheik’s
associate?!

IRVING ROSENFELD
I just fucking told you he doesn’t
like you. I mean, let him have a
night out with a human being for
fuck’s sake, he’s going to jail
soon. You’re done with him. You got
him on tape taking a bribe.

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine has got to deal with me,
Irving.

RICHIE DIMASO (CONT’D)
We're gonna use Carmine. We're
gonna use Carmine to get other
people, that's what we're gonna do.

IRVING ROSENFELD
What?! Like who?!

RICHIE DIMASO
Carmine's gonna use the Sheik to
pay off people.

IRVING ROSENFEL