Avatar

Genres: Science, Fiction, Drama, Action, sci-fi, Adventure, Fantasy, Romance



Summary "Avatar" is a movie about Jake Sully, a disabled veteran, who is given the opportunity to explore a new planet called Pandora and is caught up in a battle between humans and the Na'vi people. He must gain the Na'vi's trust and negotiate the terms of their relocation, but falls in love with a Na'vi woman and struggles with the mission to betray them for land. The movie follows his journey as he becomes an Avatar and gains the Na'vi's trust, but ultimately leads them into battle against the humans and becomes their new leader. The movie explores themes of love, environmentalism, and the consequences of greed and exploitation.




Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths Overall strengths of the film include strong character development and dialogue, effective world-building, visually stunning imagery, intense action scenes, conveying important themes, building tension and emotional depth, and delivering a dynamic and compelling narrative with a strong sense of adventure and exploration. The movie also has high stakes action, intense aerial battles, powerful emotional moments between major characters, strong character development, a fulfilling resolution to the conflict, and a thrilling final fight sequence.
Scene Weaknesses Overall weaknesses include: heavy exposition and cliched tropes used in dialogue, lack of character development and significant action or conflict in certain scenes, predictable plot points, and generic or rushed dialogue. Some scenes may feel disconnected from the overall plot and lack impact, while others may drag on with excessive exposition and setup. The characters and their motivations may also be underdeveloped or unclear in some instances.
Suggestions

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Emotional Impact 8.0  82 John wick: 7.9 fight Club: 8.0
Conflict Level 8.5  81 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.2 Avatar: 8.5
Concept 8.0  69 Narcos: 7.9 Avatar: 8.0
Overall 8.4  68 Mo: 8.3 Avatar: 8.4
Plot 8.2  60 Birdman: 8.1 Get Out: 8.2
Characters 8.2  51 Mr Robot: 8.1 heathers : 8.2
Dialogue 7.2  17 Queens Gambit: 7.1 Avatar: 7.2



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 Introducing Jake Sully 8.5 8 8 9 07009 8
2 Tommy's cremation followed by Jake's awakening 9.2 9 9 8 08009 9
3 Arrival and Safety Briefing 8 9 8 8 07006 7
4 Avatar Research 7 8 6 7 04005 6
5 Avatar: Meeting Grace Augustine 9.1 8 9 10 08009 9
6 Unobtanium and Diplomacy 8 9 8 8 010006 9
7 Avatar - Entering the Avatar Program 8 8 7 9 06007 7
8 First Avatar Experience and Story Progression 8.5 8 8 9 010007 8
9 Preparing for War 8.5 9 8 9 09008 8
10 Entering the Jungle 8 7 8 7 08007 7
11 Exploring the Ruins 7 8 6 7 06005 6
12 Jake's Encounter with the Thanator 9 9 8 9 010009 6
13 Ambushed by Neytiri 8 7 8 8 09007 7
14 Surviving the Viperwolves 8.5 8 9 8 010008 7
15 Encounter with the Na'vi 8.5 8 9 9 010008 7
16 Avatar - The Clan Leader 9 8 10 9 08008 7
17 Neytiri Tests Jake 9 8 9 9 07008 8
18 Negotiations and Ultimatums 8 9 7 9 09007 7
19 Horseback Riding Lessons and Planning 8 7 9 7 07006 7
20 Arrival at Site 26 8 9 7 8 06006 7
21 Banshee Eyrie Flight 8.5 8 8 9 06008 7
22 Avatar: Jake's Training Montage 9 8 8 9 06008 7
23 Training Montage and Emotional Conversation 7.5 7 7 8 06009 7
24 Climbing the Beanstalk and crossing to Mons Veritatis 7 8 7 6 06005 5
25 Banshee Flight Training 9 8 7 9 08009 7
26 Flight Montage and Encounter with the Leonopteryx 9 8 9 8 09007 7
27 Hunters' Festival 8 8 7 8 05007 6
28 Selfridge cuts the time short and Quaritch pressures Jake 8 7 9 8 09008 8
29 Jake's Dilemma 9 8 9 9 010009 8
30 Jake undergoes the Dream Hunt 9 8 9 9 090010 8
31 Intimacy Among the Willows 8.5 9 8 9 09009 8
32 The Bulldozer Attack 8 7 8 8 09008 7
33 Mating Ritual and Tribal Duel 8 7 8 9 09009 7
34 Betrayal and Battle 8 7 9 8 010009 7
35 The Destruction of the Sacred Site 8.7 8 9 8 010008 8
36 The Assault on Hometree 9 8 9 9 0100010 8
37 Hometree is Destroyed 9 8 8 9 0100010 8
38 Escape from Captivity 9 8 9 8 010008 7
39 The Well of Souls 8 7 8 7 09008 8
40 The Great Leonopteryx 9 8 8 9 08007 7
41 The Death of Grace and the Rise of Toruk Macto 8.5 9 8 9 090011 8
42 Gathering of Forces 9 8 9 9 09008 8
43 Preparing for Battle 8 9 8 7 010008 6
44 Preparing for Battle 8 7 8 8 09007 7
45 The Battle for Pandora 7 8 7 6 010007 5
46 Preemptive Attack 9 8 9 8 010008 7
47 Preemptive Attack 9 8 9 7 011009 7
48 Sky People's Preemptive Attack 8 7 8 7 010009 6
49 The Battle Continues 8 7 8 7 010008 6
50 The Final Battle and Quaritch's Defeat 9 8 9 10 0100010 7
51 The Fall of Tsu'tey and the Departure of the Sky People 9 8 9 9 0100010 8


Scene 1 - Introducing Jake Sully
AVATAR
written by
James Cameron




ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT ©2007 TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM
CORPORATION. NO PORTION OF THIS SCRIPT MAY BE PERFORMED, PUBLISHED,
REPRODUCED, SOLD, OR DISTRIBUTED BY ANY MEANS, OR QUOTED OR PUBLISHED IN
ANY MEDIUM, INCLUDING ANY WEB SITE, WITHOUT THE PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT OF
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION.
THE SOUND OF DRUMS, from a great distance, growing louder.

FADE IN:

WE ARE FLYING through mist, a dimly glimpsed forest below.

VOICE (V.O.)
When I was lying there in the VA
hospital, with a big hole blown through
the middle of my life, I started having
these dreams of flying.

We are very low over the forest now, gliding fast, the drums
BUILDING to a PEAK --

VOICE (V.O.)
Sooner or later though, you always have
to wake up...
CUT TO:

EXT. CITY - NIGHT

A SCREECH OF BRAKES as a vehicle WIPES FRAME, revealing --

JAKE SULLY, a scarred and scruffy combat vet, sitting in a
beat up carbon-fiber wheelchair. At 22, his eyes are
hardened by the wisdom and wariness of one who has endured
pain beyond his years.

Jake stares upward at the levels of the city. MAGLEV TRAINS
WHOOSH overhead on elevated tracks, against a sky of garish
advertizing.

JAKE (V.O.)
They can fix a spinal, if you’ve got the
money. But not on vet benefits, not in
this economy.

The traffic light changes and Jake pushes forward with the
crowd, pumping the wheels of his chair. Most of the people
wear FILTER MASKS to protect them from the toxic air. In a
LONG LENS STACK it is a marching torrent of anonymous,
isolated souls.

INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The room is a tiny CUBICLE, prison cell meets 747 bathroom.
Narrow cot, wall-screen droning away in the B.G. --

PERKY NEWSCASTER
The Bengal tiger, extinct for over a
century, is making a comeback. These
cloned tiger cubs at the Beijing Zoo
are...
2.



Jake laboriously pulls his pants off -- rocking to one side,
pushing the fabric down past his hip, then rocking to the
other, and so on.

His legs are white and atrophied. Utterly useless. But his
arms are tattooed and powerfully muscled. A “Born Loser”
tattoo prominent on his shoulder.

JAKE (V.O.)
I became a Marine for the hardship. To
be hammered on the anvil of life. I told
myself I could pass any test a man can
pass.

Jake struggles with his pants a long time.
CUT TO:

INT. ROWDY BAR -- NIGHT

Not the kind of place you’d bring your mom.

We find Jake near the pool table, BALANCING his chair, front
wheels off the ground, while holding a tequila shot on his
forehead. ONLOOKERS, including some other disabled vets,
CLAP and WHOOP.

Jake grabs the glass, SLAMS down the shot as they cheer.

A WALL-SIZED SCREEN filled with the World Cup game -- men
RUNNING on antelope legs.

CU JAKE, watching what he can’t have. Expression stony.

JAKE (V.O.)
Let’s get it straight up front. I don’t
want your pity. I know the world’s a
cold-ass bitch.

Jake’s eyes shift -- HIS POV, seeing the bar through gaps in
the crowd. A MAN on a barstool SLAPS the WOMAN he’s with.
Hard. She cowers but he’s got her arm, shouting, raising his
fist. An eternal tableau. People look away.

CU JAKE -- not looking away.

JAKE (V.O.)
You want a fair deal, you’re on the wrong
planet. The strong prey on the weak.

TIGHT ON JAKE’S HAND as he starts pushing the wheel of his
chair.

TRACKING WITH HIM as he rolls forward.
3.



JAKE (V.O.)
It’s just the way things are. And nobody
does a damn thing.

Jake stops, unnoticed, next to the bullying man. He leans
down and grabs one leg of the man’s barstool -- and YANKS.

The chair flips. The guy goes down HARD and --

JAKE hurls himself from the wheelchair, toppling on the guy,
getting a grip on him like a pit bull and PUNCHING the crap
out of him, right there on the floor.

THE BOUNCER jumps in, trying to drag him off and it goes into
SLOW MOTION, everybody yelling and pulling...

JAKE (V.O.)
All I ever wanted in my sorry-ass life
was a single thing worth fighting for.
CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEY BEHIND BAR -- NIGHT

THE BOUNCER hurls Jake out the door, sending him SPRAWLING on
the pavement. A moment later, his chair CRASHES down on him,
banging across the alley, landing in the trash.

Jake struggles to rise on one elbow. He’s bleeding and
bruised, but still crazed and ready to fight.

JAKE
I hope you realize you’ve just lost a
customer!

He collapses onto his back, panting.

JAKE
(to himself)
Candy ass bitch.

He stares upwards at the levels of the city. MAGTRAINS ROAR
overhead. It starts to RAIN. He just lies there, blinking --
then shouts jauntily to no one in particular --

JAKE
If it ain’t rainin’ we ain’t trainin’!

CAMERA PULLS BACK high and wide, as Jake lies spread-eagled
amongst the trash, getting drenched.

TWO LONG SHADOWS enter FRAME, coming to rest across him.
4.



Jake sees two pairs of SHINY SHOES stop next to him. He
squints up at --

TWO MEN. Matching suits. Their features unremarkable and
blandly threatening in the way of FBI agents and auditors.

AGENT 1
Are you Jake Sully?

JAKE
Step off. You’re ruinin’ my good mood.

AGENT 2
It’s about your brother.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Jake Sully, a scarred and scruffy combat vet, navigates his new life, dealing with his disabilities and the harsh realities of the world he lives in. He gets into a fight defending a woman at a bar, only to be thrown out and beaten. However, when two men approach him, he realizes there may be some hope for his future.
Strengths
  • Strong introduction to the main character and his struggles
  • Strong dialogue that conveys his character's personality and worldview
  • Themes of disability, hardship, and the harsh realities of the world are effectively conveyed
Weaknesses
  • Some exposition-heavy lines in the voiceover
  • Some cliche tropes used like the bar fight

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene from Avatar is well-written and effectively establishes the protagonist, Jake Sully, as a complex and flawed character. The use of voiceover narration adds depth and insight into Jake's past and mindset, while also setting up the central conflict of the story. The use of contrasts, such as the dreary, toxic city versus the vibrant forest, also adds visual interest and establishes the theme of man's relationship with nature.

One potential critique of the scene is that it relies heavily on exposition through voiceover and news broadcasts to establish the world and characters. This may be a weakness in terms of visual storytelling, as the audience is being told information rather than shown it through dialogue and action. Additionally, some of the dialogue and voiceover can come across as a bit heavy-handed or melodramatic at times.

Overall, however, this scene effectively sets the stage for the rest of the story and showcases James Cameron's skill as a screenwriter in creating engaging characters and worlds.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Consider starting the scene with a shot of Jake first, before the voiceover starts. This will ground the audience in the character and help them connect with him before the exposition.
- Instead of using voiceover to explain Jake's backstory, try to show it more visually. For example, you could have a shot of him struggling to get dressed, or of him working out to stay in shape despite his paralysis.
- Be cautious of using cliché lines, such as "I became a Marine for the hardship. To be hammered on the anvil of life." These feel predictable and uninspired. Try to find a more unique and original way to express Jake's motivations.
- Instead of just telling the audience that the world is harsh and unfair, show it more explicitly. For example, you could have a shot of a beggar on the street being ignored by passersby, or of someone getting mugged without anyone intervening.
- When Jake confronts the man who hits his girlfriend, consider adding some more tension or conflict. Right now, the scene feels a little too straightforward. Perhaps the man has some friends who try to jump in and help him, or he pulls out a weapon.
- When the agents shows up, try to make them more distinct and memorable. Right now, they feel like generic government men in suits. Maybe give them some quirks or personality traits that make them stand out, or make them more intimidating or mysterious.



Scene 2 - Tommy's cremation followed by Jake's awakening
INT. MUNICIPAL CREMATORIUM - NIGHT

DOWN-ANGLE on a large rectangular cardboard box. HANDS ENTER
FRAME, pulling open the top to reveal a DEAD MAN’S FACE. He
looks EXACTLY like a clean-shaven version of Jake. His
IDENTICAL TWIN -- TOMMY.

JAKE (V.O.)
The strong prey on the weak. A guy with
a knife took all Tommy would ever be, for
the paper in his wallet.

WIDER, showing Jake and the two agents in a high tech
CREMATORIUM -- a row of stainless steel furnaces. Jake
stares down at his own face.

JAKE
Jesus, Tommy.

JAKE (V.O.)
The Suits’ concern was touching.

AGENT 1
Your brother represented a significant
investment. We’d like to talk to you
about taking over his contract.

The ATTENDANT closes the box and seals it with a tape
dispenser, like it’s a package for shipping. The cardboard
coffin is rolled into the furnace.

JAKE (V.O.)
The egghead and the jarhead. Tommy was
the scientist, not me. He was the one
who wanted to get shot light years out
into space to find the answers.
5.



PUSHING IN ON JAKE as he watches, bathed in orange light.

JAKE (V.O.)
Me -- I was just another dumb grunt
gettin’ sent someplace I was gonna
regret.

INSIDE THE FURNACE the burners quickly eat away the
cardboard; TOMMY’S FACE is, for a moment, wreathed in flame
but not touched by it, as we --
DISSOLVE TO:

JAKE’S FACE, in icy darkness. CLOSE ON his eyes -- they OPEN
suddenly, and he takes a sharp breath.

JAKE’S POV -- the inside of a metal coffin. A SERVO WHINE
and we are moving, emerging into a large chamber --

INT. CRYO VAULT

JAKE’S POV -- A TECH in medical scrubs FLOATS WEIGHTLESSLY
toward us. Wherever we are, we’re not on Earth.

Jake squints as the lights flicker on, revealing --

WIDE SHOT -- the multi-tiered CRYO VAULT. Hundreds of CRYO-
CAPSULES are opening like morgue drawers, as med techs pull
themselves about in ZERO-G, tending to their patients.

JAKE
(a hoarse whisper)
Are we there?

MED TECH
We’re there, Sunshine.

TIME CUT -- SCORES OF PEOPLE emerge from their cryo-capsules
in ZERO-G. Pale spirits of the dead rising from rows of open
coffins.

The MED TECH floats among them, using his announcement voice.

MED TECH
People, you have been in cryo for five
years, nine months and twenty two days.
You will be hungry, you will be weak. If
you feel nausea, please use the sacks
provided for your convenience. The staff
thanks you in advance.
6.



FOLLOWING JAKE as he pushes away from his capsule, gliding to
the LOCKERS across the aisle, his paralyzed legs not an
impediment in weightlessness.
CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE

Against the cold infinity of stars glides an INTERSTELLAR
SPACECRAFT -- ISV VENTURE STAR. As it moves past like an
endless train, we realize this thing is ENORMOUS -- over half
a mile long. PAN WITH IT 180 to REVEAL --

A GAS-GIANT PLANET called POLYPHEMUS, ringed with dozens of
moons which cast beauty-mark shadows on its vast face.

The ISV diminishes away from us toward the largest MOON-- a
blue and surprisingly Earth-like world called PANDORA. The
ship dwindles to a speck against the BLUE MOON.
CUT TO:

EXT. PANDORA ORBIT

ISV Venture Star drifts above a spectacular vista -- the
sapphire seas and unfamiliar continents of Pandora.

CLOSE ON ISV -- two massive “VALKYRIE” SHUTTLES are mated to
a DOCKING NODE. One of them separates from the starship and
moves away, its thrusters FIRING in short bursts.

As the shuttle moves away, descending toward Pandora, we hear
the sound of DRUMS, building, louder and louder until we--
CUT TO:

EXT. RAINFOREST - TWILIGHT

FLYING OVER A LANDSCAPE of massive cliffs and towering mesas
carpeted in rainforest. Great scarves of cloud swirl around
the mesa tops. A primeval landscape, vast and forbidding.

The trees are alien, the color too cyan. There are
waterfalls, rivers, and distant flocks of WINGED CREATURES.

Suddenly the carpet of virgin rainforest gives way to --

AN OPEN-PIT MINE. A lifeless crater -- as if a giant cookie-
cutter took a chunk out of the world. Down among the
terraces are EXCAVATORS and TRUCKS the size of three story
buildings.

And beyond the mine is the HUMAN COLONY --
7.



EXT. HELL’S GATE - TWILIGHT

HELL’S GATE is a cluster of squat concrete and steel
structures surrounded by chain-link FENCE 10 meters high,
topped with razor wire.

At the corners are towers with automated SENTRY GUNS
swiveling on servo mounts.

Visible beyond the gun towers, the VALKYRIE SHUTTLE roars in
across the treetops. VECTORING NOZZLES change angle,
bringing the ship to a SLOW HOVER.

EXT. RAIN FOREST - TWILIGHT

Through a screen of jungle canopy, we see the VALKYRIE
thunder overhead. Camera TILTS with it until leaves block
the view.

A BLUE INHUMAN HAND reaches INTO SHOT, parting the foliage to
reveal the shuttle hover-taxiing across the compound.

REVERSE -- ECU of two intense, cat-like golden EYES watching.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action"]

Summary Jake watches his identical twin Tommy's cremation, who was a scientist involved in a mission in space. Afterward, Jake wakes up from cryo-sleep and arrives on the planet Pandora, where he will be embroiled in a battle between humans and the native alien species.
Strengths "Strong opening scene establishes the conflict between the powerful and weak, sets up the theme of the exploitation of resources, foreshadows the importance of identity, visually stunning description of the alien planet."
Weaknesses "Minor pacing issues, lack of character development in this particular scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-structured and effectively sets up the character of Jake, the setting and premise of the story. However, there are some areas for improvement.

Firstly, the opening with the dead twin feels a little abrupt and disconnected from the main action. While it does provide some insight into Jake's motivation, it could be incorporated more smoothly into the narrative.

Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose, particularly the exchange with the agents about taking over Tommy's contract. It could be made more subtle and nuanced.

Finally, while the description of the setting is vivid and detailed, it could benefit from more sensory details to fully transport the reader into the world of Pandora.

Overall, this scene shows promise and has a strong foundation, but could benefit from some fine-tuning.
Suggestions Overall, the scene seems quite well-written and engaging. However, here are a few suggestions for improvement:

1. Consider starting the scene with a more active and engaging visual. The current opening shot is simply an angle on a cardboard box. While it sets the tone for the scene, it doesn't hook the reader or viewer in immediately. Perhaps there could be a more dynamic shot of the crematorium or a close-up on Jake's face as he watches his twin's body being cremated.

2. Consider providing more context for the dialogue between the agents and Jake. It's not entirely clear who the agents are or why they're interested in Tommy's contract. Perhaps there could be a bit more exposition here to make it more clear.

3. Consider tightening up the dialogue a bit, especially in the exchange between Jake and the med tech. The dialogue feels a bit meandering and could benefit from more concise and impactful language.

4. Consider adding more sensory details to the description of Pandora and Hell's Gate. The landscape is vividly described, but there could be more emphasis on the sounds, smells, and textures of the alien world to fully immerse the audience.

Overall, though, the scene is well-written and engaging, and with a few tweaks, it could be even more effective.



Scene 3 - Arrival and Safety Briefing
INT./EXT. SHUTTLE

The CREW CHIEF stomps down the aisle yelling --

CREW CHIEF
Exopacks on!

Passengers don their EXO-PACK breathing gear with practiced
moves. Everybody except JAKE, who’s turning his this way and
that trying to figure out the straps.

CREW CHIEF
Remember people, you lose your mask
you’re unconscious in 20 seconds and
you’re dead in four minutes. Let’s nobody
be dead today, it looks bad on my report.

The crew chief stops by Jake long enough to bark --

CREW CHIEF
Exopack on, let’s go!

BENEATH THE SHUTTLE air blasts outward for a hundred meter
radius as it settles onto its landing gear.

INSIDE everybody is queued up in the aisles, with duffles
ready. Rows of tense, expectant faces in breathing masks --
and we DIP DOWN to find Jake, wheelchair putting him at the
level of everyone else’s WAISTS.
8.



THE CARGO RAMP OPENS with a hydraulic whine.

CREW CHIEF
Go directly into the base! Do not stop!
Go straight inside!

HAND-HELD, running with the arriving colonists who double
time down the ramp. They jog across the exposed apron toward
a walkway covered in CHAINLINK which leads to the complex.

Inside the chain-link tunnel are a couple of SEC-OPS
TROOPERS, CORPORAL LYLE WAINFLEET and PRIVATE FIKE. Sec-Ops
is the colony’s private security force. These guys are laid
back, hardened, and haggard.

WAINFLEET
Look at all that new meat.

THEIR POV -- Jake rolls down the ramp.

FIKE
Check it out, man. Meals on wheels.

WAINFLEET
That is just wrong.

Jake, pumping his chair, looks around as --

A huge TRACTOR, taller than a house, ROARS past on muddy
wheels. He notices something sticking in the tires --
ARROWS. The neolithic weapons are jarring amid all the
advanced technology.

Beyond the tractor, two VTOL vehicles take off. Armored and
heavily armed, they are AT-99 “SCORPION” GUNSHIPS.

MITSUBISHI MK-6 AMPSUITS -- human operated walking machines 4
meters tall -- patrol the perimeter. They are heavily
armored, and armed with a huge rotary cannon called a GAU-90.

Beyond the outer fence stands a black wall of forest hundreds
of feet high. A SENTRY GUN OPENS FIRE from a tower. TRACERS
light up the twilight. A shadowy SHAPE SHRIEKS and drops off
the fence. It is an armed camp in a state of siege.

WAINFLEET and Fike give Jake and his chair the hairy eyeball
as he approaches.

JAKE
What’re you two limpdicks starin’ at?

As Jake rolls past, SOMETHING SWOOPS down behind him and --
9.



K-KRASH! SMASHES against the chain-link right next to his
head.

A vicious AERIAL PREDATOR a meter across gnashes glass fangs
against the steel. It STABS at him through the chain link
with a tail ending in a glistening stiletto. A STINGBAT.

WAINFLEET casually BLASTS IT with his PISTOL. It drops off
the fence, tail still lashing.

WAINFLEET
Seen a lotta guys leave this place in a
wheelchair. Never seen anybody show up
in one.

Jake stares at the gnashing fangs of the dying alien.

ON A WALKWAY of the OPS CENTER, seen from above, a UNIFORMED
FIGURE grips the railing, watching Jake pump his chair
through the tunnel below.

The hair is clipped short. The scalp is etched by long
parallel SCARS where some Pandoran denizen’s claws raked
across it. The bare arms, below tightly rolled sleeves, seem
hewn out of some hard tropical wood. Criss-crossed by scars.

The MAN raises his masked face to look at the sky. He eyes
are an icy steel gray.

HIS POV -- the mighty POLYPHEMUS seems to fill the sky,
beyond the clouds.

MAN (V.O.)
You are not in Kansas any more...
CUT TO:

INT. COMMISSARY - TWILIGHT

THE MAN from the balcony -- COLONEL MILES QUARITCH -- is the
HEAD OF SECURITY for the Hell’s Gate colony. A hundred new
arrivals watch raptly as he paces like a panther across the
front of the large cafeteria. He stops, stance wide.

Without his mask, we see that Quaritch’s features are rugged
and handsome, except for the SCAR, which runs from scalp to
jaw down one side of his face. On one hip he carries a very
large PISTOL.

QUARITCH
... You are on Pandora, ladies and
gentlemen. Respect that fact every second
of every day.
10.



JAKE ROLLS IN, watching from the back.

COLONEL QUARITCH raises his hand and points out the window,
toward the dark treeline.

QUARITCH
Out beyond that fence every living thing
that crawls, flies or squats in the mud
wants to kill you and eat your eyes for
jujubees.

The room gets very quiet.

QUARITCH
We have an indigenous population of
humanoids here called the Na’vi. They’re
fond of arrows dipped in a neurotoxin
which can stop your heart in one minute.
We operate -- we live -- at a constant
threat condition yellow.

PAN ACROSS the solid faces of miners, Cat-machine drivers,
engineers, geologists, as they take that in.

QUARITCH
As head of security, it’s my job to keep
you alive. I will not succeed --
(pausing for effect)
-- not with all of you. If you wish to
survive, you need a strong mental
attitude, you need to follow procedure...

PUSH IN ON JAKE, watching as the briefing continues.

JAKE (V.O.)
Nothing like an old-school safety brief
to put your mind at ease.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["sci-fi","action","drama"]

Summary Jake arrives on Pandora and is greeted by the crew chief who tells everyone to put on their exopacks. Jake notices the primitive weapons on the tire of a tractor. Jake also encounters a stingbat trying to attack him and is saved by security forces. Colonel Quaritch gives a safety briefing telling everyone about the dangers of Pandora and about the indigenous population called the Na'vi.
Strengths
  • Worldbuilding
  • Establishing the dangers of Pandora
  • Introducing important characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of character development
  • Some dialogue feels cliche

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively establishes the tension and danger of the environment. However, there are a few areas that could be improved or revised:

1. The dialogue from the crew chief feels a bit generic and clichéd. Consider adding some more specific language or details that would make it stand out and feel more authentic.

2. The introduction of the character Jake could be more subtle and less expositional. Instead of explicitly stating that he is in a wheelchair, it could be revealed more organically through his actions or interactions with others.

3. The description of the landscape and various vehicles could benefit from more vivid and detailed language. As it is, the writing is functional and clear, but it could be more evocative and immersive.

4. The dialogue from Colonel Quaritch is effective in establishing the threat level, but some of the phrasing feels a bit clunky and awkward. Consider revising it to make it more concise and impactful.

Overall, the scene effectively establishes the stakes and danger of the setting, but there is room for improvement in some of the details and dialogue.
Suggestions 1. Add more specific descriptions of the characters: Currently, the characters are not very well developed. Adding more specific descriptions of their appearances, personalities, and motivations could help make the scene more engaging and immersive.
2. Increase pacing: The scene could benefit from a tighter pacing, with quicker cuts between different shots and moments of action. This would help to build tension and excitement.
3. Develop more conflict: There is currently not a lot of conflict in the scene, which could make it feel flat. Introducing some tension between characters, or introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome, could help make the scene more dynamic and engaging.
4. Heighten the stakes: While there is mention of the danger posed by the environment and the Na'vi, the stakes could be made more explicit and visceral to help the audience connect emotionally with the scene. Adding in a scene of someone being injured or killed, for example, could help to increase the audience's investment in the story.
5. Clarify the setting: While some details are provided about the environment and the technology being used, it is not entirely clear where the scene is taking place or how it fits into the larger story. Giving more context about the scene's location and how it fits into the narrative could help make it feel more coherent and meaningful.



Scene 4 - Avatar Research
INT. CORRIDOR

People are roaming in both directions, looking for rooms,
lugging duffels and cases.

An eager young XENOANTHROPOLOGIST, staggering under an
overpacked duffel, runs to catch up to Jake.

NORM
Hey, you’re Jake right? Tom’s brother?
You look just like him.
(off Jake’s wary look)
Sorry, I’m Norm Spellman, I went through
avatar training with him.
11.



Norm offers his hand and Jake shakes it.

NORM
He was a great guy -- funny. It was a
big shock to all of us.

JAKE
Yeah.

Jake pumps the wheels of his chair, rolling on. Norm walks
with him.

NORM
And duh! -- obviously you look like him.
I mean, if you weren’t genetically
identical, you wouldn’t be taking over
his avatar.

JAKE
That’s why I’m here.

NORM
So -- you want to go check it out?
CUT TO:

INT. BIO-LAB - DAY

JAKE AND NORM enter the BIO-LAB -- a large lab complex with
many adjoining rooms.

MAX
Me and Norm were out here to drive these
remotely controlled bodies called
avatars. They’re grown from human DNA
mixed with DNA from the natives here.

A scientist, DOCTOR MAX CULLIMORE, is supervising the
uncrating of two SHIPPING CONTAINERS. The nearer has the
sides removed, revealing -- a ceiling-height acrylic TANK.

Norm stops to stare, and Jake rolls past him as if drawn by
some unseen force, toward --

THE AMNIO TANK. There is a FIGURE floating lanquidly inside,
which looks like a man. A very large, very blue, man.

Blood circulates through a synthetic UMBILICAL in the
abdomen. As the figure turns in the amniotic fluid, we see
that it has a lemur-like TAIL. The skin is cyan-blue. Long
black hair drifts, graceful as seaweed.

JAKE
Damn. They got big.
12.



NORM
Yeah, they mature on the trip out.
(to Max)
So the proprioceptive sims worked pretty
well.

MAX
Yeah, they’ve got great muscle tone. Give
us a few hours, you guys can take them
for a spin.

THE FIGURE’S sleeping face turns toward us, and the features
are -- despite feline ears and a long feral snout --
definitely JAKE’S.

JAKE
It looks like him.

NORM
No, it looks like you. This is your
avatar now, Jake.

ON JAKE, mesmerized as he stares into the tank.

JAKE (V.O.)
The idea is -- every driver is matched to
his own avatar --

STEREOCAM VIDEO SHOT OF JAKE -- facing the camera, talking
directly to the lens. JAKE’S VOICE-OVER up until now has
been part of this VIDEOLOG.

JAKE
-- so their nervous systems are in tune.
Or something. Which is why they offered
me this gig, because I can link with
Tommy’s avatar, which was insanely
expensive.
(looking off camera)
Is this right? I just say whatever in
these videologs?

WIDER, showing Norm working nearby with Max.

NORM
Yeah. You just need to get in the habit
of documenting everything -- what you
see, what you feel -- it’s all part of
the science. Good science starts with
good observation.
13.



JAKE
Right.
(to camera)
So, whatever. Here I am. Doing science.
(looks around)
Never been in a lab before.

MAX
Log off. It’s time to meet your boss for
the next five years.

He leads Jake and Norm through the short corridor to the --
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Science Fiction"]

Summary Jake and Norm arrive on the planet Pandora and are taken to the bio-lab to meet their new avatars. Jake is mesmerized by the avatar that looks like him and learns about the connection between the driver and the avatar.
Strengths "Introduces the concept of the avatars and the connection between the driver and their corresponding avatar. Sets up the relationship between Jake and his avatar."
Weaknesses "Lacks significant action or conflict. Some of the dialogue is expositional and comes off as unrealistic."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets up some important plot points for the story. The dialogue feels natural and the scene moves at a good pace. However, there are a few small areas that could use improvement:

- The introduction of Norm as an "eager young XENOANTHROPOLOGIST" feels a bit clunky. It would flow better if his profession was revealed more organically through conversation.
- The line "Damn. They got big." from Jake feels a bit too on the nose in describing the avatar he will be controlling. It might be more effective to have him react with more mixed emotions, as he is clearly conflicted about taking over his deceased brother's avatar.
- The transition between the amnio tank and Jake's videolog is a bit abrupt. It might be clearer if there was a brief cutaway to show that Jake is recording his thoughts about the avatar he is looking at before he appears onscreen in the videolog.

Overall, these are minor issues that do not detract significantly from the scene.
Suggestions 1. Consider adding more character development to the characters of Jake and Norm. We don't know much about them other than Jake is taking over his brother's avatar and Norm went through avatar training with him. Adding more depth to their personalities could make the audience care more about what happens to them.

2. Consider adding some conflict or tension to the scene. Right now, it feels like just an exposition dump. Adding a conflict or tension could make the scene more engaging and move the plot forward.

3. Consider adding more details about the setting to make it more immersive for the audience. Right now, the corridor and bio-lab are described fairly minimally. Adding some sensory details could help the audience feel like they are in the space with the characters.

4. Consider shortening some of the dialogue. Some of the lines feel a bit redundant or unnecessary and could be cut without affecting the meaning of the scene. Tightening up the dialogue could make the scene feel more concise and impactful.



Scene 5 - Avatar: Meeting Grace Augustine
INT. LINK ROOM - DUSK

The LINK ROOM contains a dozen PSIONIC LINK UNITS, which look
like coffins crossed with MRI scanners.

NORM
Grace Augustine is a legend. She's the
head of the Avatar Program, and she wrote
the book -- I mean literally wrote the
book -- on Pandoran botany.

MAX
(low, over his shoulder)
That's because she likes plants better
than people.

DR. GRACE AUGUSTINE sits up in her link, stretching and
cracking her neck after a long session. She’s fifty, with a
strong face and fiercely intelligent eyes.

GRACE
(yelling)
Who’s got my goddamn cigarette?!

A TECH scurries to bring it to her, already lit. Around here
they jump when Grace barks.

Grace stands, scowling, as Jake, Norm and Max approach.

MAX
And here she is, Cinderella back from the
ball. Grace, I’d like you to meet Norm
Spellman and Ja --

GRACE
Norm. I hear good things about you.
How's your Na'vi?
14.



NORM
(Na'vi, subtitled)
May the All Mother smile upon our first
meeting.

Grace nods approvingly, taking a drag on her cigarette.

GRACE
(subtitled)
Not bad. You sound a little formal.

NORM
(subtitled)
There is still much to learn.

Jake waits while they ignore him, chattering in fluent Na’vi.

MAX
Uh, Grace, this is Jake S----

GRACE
(turning to Jake)
Yeah, yeah, I know who you are, and I
don’t need you. I need your brother.
(to Max)
You know -- the PhD who trained three
years for this mission.

JAKE
He’s dead. I know it’s a big
inconvenience to everyone.

GRACE
How much lab training have you had? Ever
run a gas chromatograph?

JAKE
No.

GRACE
Any actual lab work at all?

JAKE
High school chemistry. But I ditched.

Grace wheels on Max.

GRACE
You see? You see? They’re pissing on us
without even the courtesy of calling it
rain.
(turning away)
I’m going to Selfridge.
15.



She shoves past Jake.

MAX
Grace, that’s not a good idea.

But she’s already out the door and clomping down the
corridor. Max turns to Jake with a pained look.

MAX
Here, tomorrow, oh eight hundred. Try to
use big words.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Sci-Fi"]

Summary Jake, Norm, and Max meet Dr. Grace Augustine, the head of the Avatar Program and a botanist. After a brief introduction, Grace insults Jake and leaves to speak with Selfridge.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and entertaining. The introduction of Dr. Grace Augustine shows her strong personality."
Weaknesses "The lack of respect given to Jake, who is the main character."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.1


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9.5

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 9.2

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene has some strengths in terms of developing the characters and introducing conflicts, but there are also areas for improvement.

One strength is the use of action to introduce the setting and technology. The description of the PSIONIC LINK UNITS helps the audience to visualize the futuristic world of the film. The dialogue between characters also reveals important information about the protagonist's mission and introduces a central conflict between Grace and the main character.

However, there are some areas for improvement in terms of pacing and dialogue. The scene feels somewhat slow-paced, with a lot of time spent on character introductions and small talk in Na'vi. While this may be necessary for establishing the worldbuilding, it could be made more engaging through the use of specific conflict or tension.

Additionally, the dialogue itself could be tightened and made more impactful. For example, some lines feel clunky or unnecessary, such as Max's "That's because she likes plants better than people." This line doesn't add much to the scene and feels like a cliche.

Finally, there are some areas for improvement in terms of character development. While Grace is given some important character traits (she's intelligent, tough, and committed to her work), Jake feels like a somewhat passive character who simply reacts to what's happening around him. There could be more effort to make him a more dynamic protagonist with clear goals and desires.

Overall, this scene has some strong elements but could be improved through tighter dialogue, stronger pacing, and more dynamic character development.
Suggestions Overall, the dialogue in this scene seems natural and realistic, but there are a few suggestions to strengthen it:

1. Establish the setting: Start the scene with a brief description of the Link Room to help the audience visualize where the characters are. Also, consider using sensory details (such as sounds or smells) to add depth to the setting.

2. Show, don't tell: Instead of having Norm tell Max about Grace's reputation, find a way to show the audience why she's considered a legend. You could have her give an impressive speech or show her work in action.

3. Character motivation: Why does Grace care so much about her cigarette? There could be an opportunity to reveal more about her character here. Perhaps she's stressed and uses smoking as a coping mechanism, or maybe it's a symbolic representation of her desire for control.

4. Jake's introduction: Jake seems to be a minor character in this scene, but his presence is still important. Consider introducing him earlier in the scene and having him participate in the conversation more actively. This will help establish his relationship with the other characters and make his later reveal about his brother's death more impactful.

5. Conflict: The scene ends with Grace storming out, but there could be an opportunity for more conflict between the characters before she leaves. For example, Max could push back on Grace's dismissal of Jake and defend his abilities. This would add tension and make Grace's exit feel more earned.



Scene 6 - Unobtanium and Diplomacy
INT. OPS CENTER - DUSK

It looks like an air-traffic control tower, with lots of
screens and bay windows showing the whole complex.

ADMINISTRATOR PARKER SELFRIDGE takes a ball from a newly
opened case of TITLEISTS and sets it on the floor. Selfridge
is young, charismatic, focused. Some would say ruthless.

He assumes the stance and lines up his putt, toward a
practice cup across the control room floor. He glances up as
Grace strides toward him.

GRACE
Parker, I used to think it was benign
neglect, but now I see you’re
intentionally screwing us.

SELFRIDGE
Grace. You know I enjoy our little
talks.

GRACE
I need a research assistant, not some
jarhead dropout.

Selfridge looks down and hits the ball.

Grace kicks the practice cup aside, and the ball rolls past.
Selfridge looks at her with a sigh.

SELFRIDGE
Actually, we got lucky with him.

GRACE
Lucky? How is this in any way lucky?

As Selfridge saunters over to retrieve the ball --
16.



SELFRIDGE
Well -- lucky your guy had a twin
brother, and lucky the brother wasn’t an
oral hygienist or something. A Marine we
can use. I’m assigning him to your team
as security escort.

GRACE
The last thing I need is another trigger
happy asshole out there!

SELFRIDGE
Look, you’re supposed to be winning the
hearts and minds of the natives. Isn’t
that the whole point of your little
puppet show? If you look like them, if
you talk like them, they’ll trust you?

Selfridge crosses to his office, behind a glass wall nearby.
Grace follows.

SELFRIDGE
But after -- how many years? -- relations
with the indigenous are only getting
worse.

GRACE
That tends to happen when you use machine
guns on them.

On Selfridge’s desk is a magnetic base, and hovering in mid-
air, in the invisible field, is a lump of METALLIC ROCK.
Pure UNOBTANIUM. He grabs it and holds it up between thumb
and forefinger, in front of Grace’s eyes.

SELFRIDGE
This is why we’re here. Unobtanium.
Because this little gray rock sells for
twenty million a kilo. No other reason.
This is what pays for the party. And
it’s what pays for your science.
Comprendo?

He places it back in the magnetic field.

SELFRIDGE
Those savages are threatening our whole
operation. We’re on the brink of war and
you’re supposed to be finding a
diplomatic solution. So use what you’ve
got and get me some results.
CUT TO:
17.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Drama"]

Summary Selfridge and Grace argue about the use of military force against the Na'vi people, while discussing the importance of unobtanium.
Strengths "Dialogue is engaging and moves the plot forward. The tension between Grace and Selfridge highlights the central conflict of the film."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks action or suspense. The exposition is heavy-handed."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-constructed with good use of dialogue and actions to reveal character and advance the story. However, some areas could use improvement.

First, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to establish the setting and create a more immersive experience for the reader. While the description of the Ops Center is good, other details such as lighting and sounds could be added to enhance the mood and tone.

Second, the dialogue feels a little on-the-nose at times, particularly with Selfridge's explanation of the importance of Unobtanium. This could be improved by showing rather than telling, such as through visuals or actions.

Lastly, the scene could use more subtext and nuance to create a richer experience for the viewer. For example, instead of straightforwardly stating that Grace needs a research assistant, there could be implications about her struggling with her work or feeling unsupported by her colleagues.

Overall, with some tweaks to the writing, this scene could be even more effective in conveying the tension and conflict between the characters.
Suggestions 1. Clearer characterization: While Parker Selfridge is described as young, charismatic, and focused, it might be helpful to show his ruthlessness in action rather than just telling the audience. For example, he could have a conversation with someone else in the ops center where he makes a ruthless decision that goes against Grace's desires.

2. Streamline dialogue: Some of the dialogue in this scene can be condensed or removed altogether to make the conversation feel snappier and more focused. For example, the exchange where Grace insults Parker's security assistant can be shortened or cut entirely.

3. More clarity on the setting: While the script describes the ops center as having "lots of screens and bay windows showing the whole complex" it might be helpful to have more detail on the location itself. What does the furniture look like? What color are the walls? These small details can help bring the scene to life.

4. Visual storytelling: The dialogue in this scene is very heavy, and it would be great to sprinkle in more opportunities for visual storytelling. For example, we could see Parker hitting the golf ball or Grace kicking the practice cup to show their frustration with each other.

5. Focus on character motivations: The motivations of both Grace and Parker in this scene are fairly clear, but it might be helpful to dig deeper into what's driving them. For example, we know Parker wants results, but why does he care so much about the Unobtanium? Similarly, why is Grace so determined to find a diplomatic solution? Adding more depth to these character arcs can make the scene more engaging.



Scene 7 - Avatar - Entering the Avatar Program
INT. LINK ROOM - DAY

NEXT MORNING, GRACE, NORM and JAKE approach their link units.

Jake glances through a PRESSURE WINDOW. In an adjoining
chamber (the AMBIENT ROOM) JAKE’S AVATAR lies on a gurney,
breathing slowly in PANDORAN AIR. NORM’S AVATAR is on a
second gurney. Both are attended by med techs in exo-masks.

Norm slips into his LINK CHAIR, expertly donning biometric
sensors.

GRACE
How much link time have you logged?

NORM
Five hundred and twenty hours.

Grace looks pointedly at Jake.

JAKE
Like -- an hour.

GRACE
Tell me you’re joking.

Grace opens the hood of Jake’s link unit. Jake starts
hauling himself across from his wheelchair. She reaches to
help him but --

JAKE
Don’t! I got this.

Grace steps back, hands raised. He drags himself into the
unit.

GRACE
So you just figured you’d come out here
to the most hostile environment known to
man, with no training of any kind, and
see how it went? What was going through
your head?

He meets her eyes with a defiant glare.

JAKE
Maybe I was just tired of doctors telling
me what I couldn’t do.

Grace watches him laboriously pull his inert legs into the
link chair by hand.
18.



Jake settles into the warm fluid gel packs lining the unit.
It seems to enfold him. Grace adjusts his biometric sensors,
then lowers the UPPER CLAMSHELL --

GRACE
Relax and let your mind go blank. That
shouldn’t be hard for you.

JAKE
Kiss the darkest part of my lily white --

But the SLAMMING HOOD muffles the rest.

MAX
Initiate link.

The LINK TECH touches some controls.

ON A LARGE MONITOR a 3D SCAN of Jake’s brain appears.
Regions of activity flow with complex shifting colors.

MAX
That’s a gorgeous brain. Nice activity.

GRACE
Go figure.
(walking away)
Alright, I’m going in.

TECH
Phase-lock at forty percent. He’s in
transition.

Max watches a display showing the avatar’s nervous system
aligning with Jake’s -- two ghostly networks of light
merging.

MAX
That’s it. Find your way home.

ECU JAKE, inside the link unit. His eyes move under the
lids, like a dreamer in REM sleep as --

INSIDE JAKE’S MIND -- radiant streamers coalesce into a
pulsing TUNNEL OF LIGHT and --

THE SCREEN FLARES WHITE -- ZZZWHAP! -- resolving into an
overexposed, out-of-focus image -- two BLURRY FACES wearing
masks, looking down.

ECU JAKE’S AVATAR -- two very intense eyes FILL FRAME, the
pupils contracting. Golden irises pulse with life.
19.



MAX
He’s in.

TECH
Phase-lock ninety nine percent. The link
is stable.

Blinking, Jake slowly sits up on the gurney. He looks down
at his AVATAR BODY, touching his chest with one hand.

MAX
Take it slow, Jake. We need to check
your motor control. Try touching your
fingertips together --

But Jake isn’t listening. He’s staring at his legs. He
eases them off the gurney and --

HIS BLUE FEET touch the concrete floor, taking his weight.

JAKE STANDS, feeling the strength in his legs. His
expression is child-like with wonder.

HIS POV -- looking down at the med techs, who seem the size
of children next to his 9’ tall frame.

He sees something like a blue tentacle curl across his arm
and he JERKS AROUND in alarm. HIS TAIL.

As he turns to see it, the tail sweeps instruments off a
table with a crash. Jake laughs and grins at Max.

MED TECH
Easy, Jake, I need you to sit down --

But Jake takes a step, then another. The wires to the bio-
monitors pull taut, and he yanks them off his chest.

MAX
Jake! Wait, we have to run some tests --

But Jake pushes past the protesting med techs, toward the
door and --
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action"]

Summary Jake, Norm, and Grace enter the bio-lab to meet their avatars. Grace insults Jake for having no training and he tells her he's tired of doctors telling him what he can't do. Grace helps Jake into the link chair and initiates the link. Jake enters his avatar body for the first time and marvels at his new body's strength and abilities.
Strengths "The scene establishes the Avatar Program, and shows the audience what it takes to control an Avatar in a richly described process. The tension between Jake and Grace makes for a compelling exchange. Furthermore, the vivid description of Jake's adjusting to his new Avatar body is exhilarating."
Weaknesses "The scene does not provide much in terms of tangible conflict, and is mostly exposition. The scene is considered exposition heavy, and the only conflict is derived from the tension between Grace and Jake."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the technology and environment of the story, as well as introducing the characters and their relationships. The conflict between Grace and Jake is clearly established, and sets up potential conflict for later in the story.

However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved. The dialogue at times feels a bit on-the-nose, particularly in Grace's line about the "most hostile environment known to man." Additionally, the scene could benefit from a clearer sense of pacing, as there are moments where the action slows down for exposition, and other moments where things move very quickly with little buildup or explanation.

Finally, while the scene does a good job of setting up some intriguing possibilities for the story, it's not yet clear what the central conflict or driving force of the plot will be. This is only the first scene, of course, but it will be important for the screenwriter to establish more clearly what's at stake for the characters as the story progresses.
Suggestions Overall, this scene seems to have a clear plot point - Jake is attempting to link up with his avatar for the first time, but he is inexperienced compared to Norm and Grace. However, there are a few areas where the dialogue could be improved to better convey the characters' emotions and motivations.

Firstly, when Grace asks Jake how much link time he has logged, it would be more effective if Jake looked embarrassed or guilty rather than making a joke. This would better emphasize how unprepared he is compared to the others. Additionally, when Grace criticizes him for coming to Pandora with no training, Jake's reply of "Maybe I was just tired of doctors telling me what I couldn’t do" feels a bit clichéd and predictable. It might be more interesting if he had a more unique reason for wanting to take such a huge risk.

Another issue is that the dialogue during the linking process feels a bit repetitive and predictable - for example, when Max calls Jake's brain "gorgeous," it seems like a cheap attempt at humor. Additionally, the exchanges between Max and the other technicians feel sterile and clinical, even though this is supposedly a tense and exciting moment. If the dialogue were more emotive and specific to each character's personality, it could add more depth to the scene.

Finally, the description of Jake's reactions during the linking process could use more sensory detail to help the audience understand what he's experiencing. For example, instead of simply saying "His expression is child-like with wonder," the writer could describe the physical sensations that Jake is feeling or the images that are flashing through his mind. This would help the audience to better empathize with Jake's journey.



Scene 8 - First Avatar Experience and Story Progression
EXT. AVATAR COMPOUND - DAY

Jake emerges, blinking in the morning sun. He finds himself
in the AVATAR COMPOUND -- a living and training area.

Nearby, a couple of AVATARS are playing one-on-one in front
of a (non-regulation height) basketball net. Others go about
their daily activities around the compound.
20.



Jake flexes his legs -- JUMPS -- and lands a little
unsteadily, but his expression is joyful.

He takes a few steps and breaks into a RUN. People are
calling to him, somehwere, but he doesn’t hear them -- he’s
running. RUNNING!

He finds himself in the COMPOUND GARDEN, and stops amid
neatly tended rows of ALIEN PLANTS. He looks down, wiggling
his toes in the warm soil. Then inhales deeply -- revelling
in the alien smells -- earth, plants, the nearby forest. He
looks at his bare footprint in the soil of an alien world.

GRACE (O.S.)
Hey Marine!

Jake turns at the familiar voice to see --

A statuesque FEMALE AVATAR walking toward him. AVATAR GRACE
is magnificent, with panther thighs, flat muscular stomach
and firm athlete’s breasts. She wears shorts and a T-shirt.
In human years she would be about 35.

JAKE
Grace?

GRACE
Well who’d you expect, numbnuts? Think
fast!

She throws him a piece of Pandoran fruit, which he catches.

GRACE
Motor control is looking good.

Jake bites into the fruit, the juice running down his chin.

NORM (O.S.)
Hey, check it out.

Jake turns to see NORM’S AVATAR posing like a bodybuilder --
chest shot, back shot, bi’s.

NORM
I am a living god.
CUT TO:

EXT. MINE PIT - DAY

A WIDE SHOT of the terraced crater of the UNOBTANIUM MINE. A
quiet beat, then --
21.



K-WHOOOOM! The entire face of one terrace is blown skyward
in a chain of EXPLOSIONS. The “shot” blasts hundreds of tons
of rock loose.

LONG LENS ANGLES of enormous WHEEL-LOADERS shovelling up ore-
rich rock and dropping it into DUMP TRUCKS.

EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY

A wall of steel FILLS FRAME. The DOZER BLADE crushes
everything in its path, reducing trees to kindling.

WIDER, showing the CLEAR-CUTTING operation near the mine, as
a road is cut through the jungle. Remotely operated DOZERS
three stories tall rip into the tree-line.

One of the dozers has rotating SLASH-CUTTER, a vicious
spinning head, mounted on a hydraulic arm, that hogs through
the enormous tree trunks in a spray of wood-shrapnel.

The heavy machines are escorted by AMPSUITS. COLONEL
QUARITCH, on foot, leads a squad of troopers wearing
breathing masks and carrying almighty big AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.

A BANSHEE -- a fearsome aerial predator -- HURTLES from
above, diving toward them on wings 3 meters across. We get a
glimpse of glassy fangs before --

P-P-POOM! Quaritch cranks off three rapid SHOTS with his
massive sidearm, and the creature drops with a SHRIEK.

It crashes near them and Quaritch FIRES two more well placed
rounds. The newbies stare at the thing’s barracuda teeth.

QUARITCH
For you pogues, this is a banshee. A
small one. See, they like it when I
bring fresh meat out here. And this
clearcutting really stirs up the hornet’s
nest. So keep your head on a swivel. If
it moves, shoot it. If you’re not sure
it’s moving -- shoot it! If it looks like
a bunch of flowers you want to take home
to Sally Rottencrotch -- SHOOT IT!
What’re you gonna do?

TROOPERS
Shoot it, sir!

QUARITCH
Outstanding. Let’s roll.
22.



Quaritch leads his squad into the gloom of the forest, his
eyes scanning. Flanking the squad, LYLE WAINFLEET drives an
AMPSUIT, his massive feet CRASHING through the underbrush.

As his gaze comes down, he sees something ahead of him on the
trail -- an intricate TOTEM of woven sticks, bones and
feathers hanging across the trail like an orb-weaver’s web.

He tears it down with the barrel of his rifle, and stomps it
into the mud as he moves on.

INT. AVATAR LONGHOUSE - DUSK

Jake sits on a wooden bed in a long hut of tropical-style
construction -- beamed ceiling, open sides covered by screen.

Around him the other avatars are bedding down for the night,
pulling insect netting around their cots. In one hand, Jake
holds the end of his long braided QUEUE of hair.

CLOSE ON the queue -- the ends of the hair writhe slowly with
their own life, like tendrils of a sea creature.

JAKE
That’s kinda freaky.

GRACE switches off the overheads.

GRACE
Lights out amigos. See ya’ at dinner.

Jake sits in the twilight, listening to the SCREECHES and
HOOTS from the forest. Finally he lies down, CLOSING HIS
EYES and --

INT. LINK ROOM - NIGHT

ECU HUMAN JAKE -- his eyes OPEN.

Jake blinks, disoriented, as Max opens the upper clamshell of
his link unit.

In the next chair Grace sits up, yawning and cracking her
neck as the scared tech runs to her with a lit cigarette.

GRACE
(looking down)
Damn. Same old sack a’ bones.

JAKE struggles with the dead weight of his legs as he hauls
himself out of the unit.
CUT TO
23.



INT. COMMISSARY - EARLY MORNING

JAKE sits with GRACE, NORM and the other avatar “drivers”,
while around them miners, troopers and other base personnel
wolf their breakfasts. Grace is engaged in a heated
conversation with another SCIENTIST.

Jake, isolated from the conversations around him, notices --

PILOT TRUDY CHACON approaching, dressed in her flight suit.
She’s a rock-hard former Marine with thousands of flight
hours out in the badlands.

TRUDY
Sully -- Colonel wants to see you in the
Armor Bay.

Jake gives Norm a puzzled glance and pivots from the table.
He wheels away, led by Trudy.

TIGHT ON GRACE, scowling as she watches him go.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["science fiction","action"]

Summary Jake emerges as an Avatar for the first time and is amazed by his new body's strength and abilities. Meanwhile, Colonel Quaritch leads a troop of soldiers to clear the forest and mine unobtanium, threatening the Na'vi people. Grace and Selfridge argue about the use of military force against the Na'vi people.
Strengths "The scene introduces key conflicts and intensifies the plot while showcasing the marvels of a new world and the Avatar experience, delivering tension and storytelling with a dynamic pace."
Weaknesses "The characterization of Quaritch is somewhat one-dimensional and the scene does not explore the consequences of the use of military force on the Na'vi people as much as it could."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, with good visual descriptions. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the opening paragraph could benefit from more specific and vivid language. Rather than just stating that Jake is in a living and training area, the writer could describe the unique flora and fauna that are present in the Avatar compound. This would help to establish the world-building and make the scene feel more immersive for the reader.

Additionally, the dialogue between Grace and Jake could be tightened up. The banter between them feels somewhat cliché and lacks depth. More attention could be paid to developing their relationship and giving them distinct voices and personalities.

Finally, the scene transitions could be smoother. The cuts between different locations and character perspectives can feel abrupt and disjointed. By adding in transitional sentences or other cues, such as fade-to-black transitions, the scene could flow more seamlessly and allow the reader to better follow the action.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to focus more on the conflict between the humans and the Pandora natives. This could be done by showing more of the destruction caused by the mining operation and the impact it has on the environment and the natives. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more character development for Jake and his relationships with the other avatars and humans on the base. It would also be helpful to establish the stakes and consequences of the conflict, as well as the motives and goals of the different factions involved. This will create a stronger sense of tension and keep the audience engaged in the narrative. Finally, adding more sensory detail, such as sounds and smells, can help to immerse the audience in the world and make it feel more real.



Scene 9 - Preparing for War
INT. ARMOR BAY - MORNING

JAKE AND TRUDY enter the ARMOR BAY, passing TILT-ROTORS under
repair. There are the heavily armed SCORPIONS as well as
several SA-2 SAMSON work-horses outfitted with door guns and
rocket pods.

JAKE
You guys’re packing some heavy ordinance.

TRUDY
Yeah, ‘cause we’re not the only thing
flyin’ around out there. Or the biggest.
I’m gonna need you on a door gun, I’m a
man short.

JAKE
Yeah, no problem.

She extends her fist and he taps it with his.

TRUDY
See ya on the flight-line, zero nine.
(she points)
He’s down there.

Jake rolls his chair along the central gallery of the Armor
Bay, passing rows of AMPSUITS standing in service racks.
Techs clamber over the ‘suits, loading ordinance with cranes
and lifts.
24.



At the end of the row is a makeshift GYM area. QUARITCH is
bench-pressing massive plates.

QUARITCH
This low gravity makes you soft.
(pushing the last rep)
You get soft, Pandora will shit you out
dead with zero warning.

Quaritch racks the bar and sits up, sweating but not winded.

QUARITCH
I pulled your record, Corporal. Venezuela
-- that was some mean bush. Nothing like
this here, though. You got heart kid,
coming out here.

JAKE
I figured -- just another hellhole.

Quaritch chuckles appreciatively, claps him on the shoulder.
The CHIEF MECHANIC yells from the nearest AMPSUIT --

MECHANIC
That servo’s in, Colonel, if you want to
try it.

Quaritch crosses to the ‘suit, with Jake following.

QUARITCH
I was in First Recon a few years ahead of
you. More than a few. Two tours in
Nigeria, not a scratch. I come out here
and --

He points to his scarred face.

QUARITCH
They could fix this if I rotated back.
But you know what? I kinda like it.
Reminds me every day what’s out there.
Besides, I can’t leave --

He looks out, as if he can see through the wall to the tree-
line.

QUARITCH
This is my war, here.

Quaritch climbs the ‘suit and reaches into the cockpit,
throwing some switches. The ‘suit’s gas-turbine spools up
with a rising WHINE.
25.



QUARITCH
The avatar program is a joke -- buncha
limpdick scientists. But we have a
unique opportunity here, you and I. A
recon Marine in an avatar body could get
me the intel I need, on the ground, right
in the hostiles’ camp.

The WHINE is now a roaring WHOOSH as the ‘suit trembles with
power. The air boils above the exhaust vents.

Quaritch reaches in and operates the controls, flexing one
huge hand. He nods to the waiting mechanic --

QUARITCH
Looks good.
(to Jake)
I need you to learn about these savages,
gain their trust. Find out how I can
force their cooperation, or hit ‘em hard
if they don’t. Maybe you can keep some
of my boys from going home like you. Or
bagged-and-tagged.

JAKE
(nodding)
That sounds real good, Colonel. So -- am
I still with Augustine?

QUARITCH
On paper. You walk like one of her
science pukes, you quack like one, but
you report to me. Can you do that for
me?

Jake nods. Quaritch brings the ‘suit to life. He steps
forward and pivots smoothly.

He balances the two ton machine on one foot while sweeping
the arms in strong, graceful arcs. Jake realizes he is doing
a WU-SHOO KATA. A flawless display of strength and control.
He’s impressive, and Jake is impressed. Quaritch is the kind
of man he respects -- focused, hard. Determined.

QUARITCH
Look, son -- I take care of my own. Get
me what I need, I’ll see you get your
legs back when you rotate home. Your real
legs.

He raises the ‘suit’s hand, and slams the canopy shut like
the visor of a helmet. Jake watches Quaritch walk past, huge
feet CLANGING -- KUNG! KUNG! KUNG!
26.



INT. BIO LAB - DAY

GRACE is on the move, gulping coffee, in a hurry to get their
FIRST SORTIE started. She hands a clipboard to MAX.

GRACE
Start calibrating. We’re on the flight
line in ten minutes.

Max nods and jogs ahead toward the LINK ROOM. JAKE and NORM
fall in with Grace as they enter the CONNECTING CORRIDOR.

GRACE
What did Atilla want?

JAKE
Just Marines comparin’ tattoos.

GRACE
(not buying it)
Yeah. Well, listen to me, Marine --

She stops, turning to drill him with a look.

GRACE
-- you’re driving an avatar, now. That
means you’re in my world, got it?

JAKE
Got it.

She turns and enters the LINK ROOM.
Genres: ["science fiction","action"]

Summary Jake and Trudy discuss the importance of weaponry in preparation for their upcoming mission. Jake meets Colonel Quaritch and learns of his plan to gather intelligence on the Na'vi people through the use of an avatar. Grace is impatient and eager to begin their mission.
Strengths
  • Introduces important characters and sets up main plot of the film
  • Introduces important themes of colonization and militarization
  • Showcases skill and strength of quaritch as a character
Weaknesses
  • Somewhat cliched dialogue between Quaritch and Jake
  • Some exposition feels heavy-handed and forced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting expert, here are my critiques of the scene:

- The description of the location and the weapons is very detailed, which sets the scene well, but it doesn't really add anything to the story or the characters. It feels more like a technical description rather than a narrative one.

- The dialogue between Jake and Trudy is functional. It establishes that they need heavy weapons, and that Jake is willing to help. However, it lacks personality and depth. It's just a way to move the plot forward.

- The introduction of Quaritch is interesting, as he seems like a tough and experienced military man. However, the dialogue between Jake and Quaritch feels a bit forced and exposition-heavy. It's clear that Quaritch is setting Jake up for a mission, but the way he delivers his lines is a bit on-the-nose.

- The action description in the scene is well-written, especially the part where Quaritch does a kung-fu kata. However, it doesn't really add anything to the story, and it feels like a bit of a detour.

- The final scene in the bio lab is functional, but it's also a bit forgettable. It's just a way to set up the next scene, and there's not much drama or conflict in it.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more nuanced character interactions and more meaningful dialogue. While the action description is well-written, it could also be more focused on character development and motivations.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more specific details to the scene, such as describing the atmosphere or the characters' body language. This would help to create a more vivid and engaging scene for the reader or viewer. For example, instead of simply stating "Quaritch chuckles appreciatively, claps him on the shoulder," the writer could describe how the claps felt, or what Quaritch's facial expression looked like. Additionally, the writer could add more dialogue that reveals character motivations and conflicts, making the scene more dynamic. For example, rather than having Quaritch simply explain his plan to Jake, he could have a heated conversation with Grace about the ethics of their mission, adding tension to the scene.



Scene 10 - Entering the Jungle
INT. LINK ROOM

Grace crosses to the controls of Jake’s LINK UNIT. As the
others catch up --

GRACE
That son of a bitch has screwed up this
program enough. All this --
(indicating link room)
-- exists so we can go out there and
build a bridge of trust to these people,
who could teach us so much. But thanks
to Quaritch and his thugs the Na’vi won’t
even talk to us anymore.

JAKE
Then how’s this supposed to work?
27.



GRACE
We have a new face.
(turning to Norm)
You’re fluent, you’ve studied the
culture. You’re non-threatening. The
ones we know best -- the Omaticaya clan --
may give you a chance. Maybe you can get
them back to the table before things go
tits-up for good.

NORM
This is failing as a pep talk.

Jake hauls himself across from wheelchair to link.

JAKE
How do we contact them?

GRACE
We don’t. They contact us. If they see
us taking our samples, treating the
forest with respect --
(pointedly to Jake)
Not trampling everything in sight --
they may reach out to us.

JAKE
Or they may skin us and make a drum.

Jake lies back, lowering the sensor array over his body.

GRACE
Just keep your mouth shut and let Norm do
the talking.

She closes his clamshell, HARD, and we --
CUT TO:

EXT. RAIN FOREST / AERIAL - DAY

FLYING over a carpet of rainforest, past sheer cliffs and
cloud-wreathed mesas. TRUDY’S SAMSON TILT-ROTOR chases its
shadow across the treetops. Though big as a Blackhawk, it is
tiny in the vast primeval landscape.

ANGLE THROUGH the open side doors of the Samson. Trooper
WAINFLEET, in exo-mask and body armor, leans on his door gun,
scanning for aerial predators.

In avatar form JAKE, GRACE and NORM watch the forest
unrolling beneath them, the wind blasting their clothes.
Jake mans the other door gun, his feet propped on the skids.
28.



TRUDY flies from a pressurized cockpit. She banks to follow a
shallow river.

TRUDY (INTERCOM)
Sturmbeest herd, one o’clock.

Norm grins and points, excitedly. Jake looks in time to see--
A herd of STURMBEEST -- massive six-legged creatures
reminiscent of buffalo -- thundering across the river.

GRACE
Looks like a bull, six cows and some
juveniles.

NORM
The bull has the red on the dorsal armor?

Grace nods approvingly.

TIME CUT -- Hundreds of purple winged creatures take flight
from a lake, startled by the Samson. They skim the water
above their own reflections. TETRAPTERONS.

TIME CUT -- the ground drops away as the Samson flies over a
WATERFALL hundreds of feet high. Trudy banks hard, rolling
in on the gorge below like it’s a gun-run.

Wainfleet WHOOPS while Norm looks like he’s about to puke.

WAINFLEET
Yo Chacon! Get some!

Jake grins into the airstream.
CUT TO:

EXT. CLEARING - DAY

A small meadow among towering trees. The fern-like “grass”
is beaten down in waves by the rotor-wash as the Samson
settles to the ground.

Jake pulls the massive door gun off its pintle mount and
hefts it like an assault rifle.

He and Wainfleet leap out to secure the LZ, scanning the tree-
line warily, weapons aimed.

Grace jogs forward to the cockpit, motioning Trudy to shut
down. Trudy kills the Samson’s TURBINES.

Grace, towering over Wainfleet, motions him to hang back.
29.



GRACE
Stay with the ship.
(for Jake)
One idiot with a gun’s enough.

WAINFLEET
Whatever you say, Doc.

Jake takes point as they enter the jungle.

WAINFLEET
(laughing)
Ya’ll have fun out there.

EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY

The forest engulfs JAKE, GRACE and NORM in cyan gloom. The
shadows are alive with the CHITTERING sounds of unseen alien
wildlife.

TRACKING WITH JAKE as he moves through the foliage, hyper-
alert -- looking around like a tourist in Hell.A monkey-like
PROLEMURIS leaping from limb to limb overhead, flashing
through the sunlight streaming down in shafts.

A PLANT with swaying tendrils which reach toward Jake as he
passes.

This forest is more alive than any on Earth, with plants that
react and move like animals. Jake white-knuckles his rifle
as if every shadow conceals razor-fanged death.

GRACE
Relax, Marine. You’re making me nervous.

She pushes ahead of him on the trail, forcing him to lower
his muzzle as he follows her. Grace moves nimbly on the
path, seemingly unconcerned.
CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST/ GLEN

WIDE SHOT as the party moves between the huge trees, tiny as
ants. The trail has gotten steeper, the going tougher.
CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL RUINS - DAY

They enter a clearing with an OVERGROWN BUILDING made of
timbers cut from the local trees, with a thatch roof. It is
covered with vines as the jungle reclaims it.
30.



NORM
How will they know we’re here?

GRACE
I’m sure they’re watching us right now.

Norm gulps. Jake looks behind him as they approach the
school, feeling unseen eyes.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Adventure","Action"]

Summary The team of Jake, Grace, and Norm enter the jungle to make contact with the Omaticaya clan. They travel by Samson Tilt-rotor and are amazed by the flora and fauna of Pandora. The tension between Jake and Grace continues as she insults him and he shows his frustration with doctors telling him what he can't do. Colonel Quaritch leads a troop of soldiers to clear the forest and mine unobtanium, posing a threat to the Na'vi people. Jake and Trudy discuss the importance of weaponry for their mission.
Strengths "The scene has a strong sense of adventure and exploration, with stunning visuals of the flora and fauna of Pandora. The tension between Jake and Grace continues to develop, adding depth to their characters and motivation for their actions. The theme of respecting nature and other cultures is present throughout the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for the characters, making it feel somewhat aimless. The conflict with Colonel Quaritch and the Na'vi people is introduced but not fully developed in this scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene seems well-crafted with a clear sense of purpose and stakes driving the action. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the dialogue between Grace, Jake, and Norm could benefit from more subtext. The conversation feels a bit too on-the-nose, with characters delivering exposition and stating their objectives outright. It would be more engaging if there were more layers to their exchange, where they are saying one thing but meaning another.

Secondly, there could be more description of the setting. While the scene does include some detail about the rainforest, it would be even more immersive if there were more sensory details about the environment, such as the smell of the jungle, the feeling of the hot and humid air, or the sounds of the alien creatures. This would help to transport the audience even further into the world of the story.

Finally, it might be helpful to add more specific actions or movements for the characters to perform as they converse. The scene could benefit from more physicality, where characters are doing something while they speak, such as Grace adjusting her controls, Jake fiddling with his gear, or Norm nervously looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings. These details would bolster the scene's realism and make it feel more dynamic.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more tension and conflict in the dialogue between Grace and Jake. Currently, their exchange is relatively calm, even though they are discussing the failure of their mission and the potential danger they are putting themselves in by trying to make contact with the Na'vi. Adding more urgency and emotion to their conversation would help to heighten the stakes and engage the audience.

Additionally, there could be more visual description of the environment they are in. While there are some vivid descriptions of the flora and fauna, adding more sensory detail would further immerse the audience in the world of the film.

Finally, there could be more physical action and interaction between the characters, especially during the scene in the forest. Having them navigate obstacles together or face more obstacles as they try to reach their destination would help to add more tension and excitement to the scene.



Scene 11 - Exploring the Ruins
INT. SCHOOL RUINS

TRACKING WITH JAKE’S BOOTS as he steps among dried leaves and
a few moldering CHILDREN’S BOOKS. Floorboards CREAK.

GRACE (O.S.)
The kids were so bright, so eager to
learn... they picked up English faster
than I could teach it to them.

WIDER as Jake explores the room. Grace and Norm are selecting
INSTRUMENTS from storage cases on a wooden table.

GRACE
Bring the soil probe -- right there,
yellow case.

Jake looks up at a RUSTLING among the dark rafters. Roosting
STINGBATS eye him warily, fluttering their wings.

Grace picks up a moldering copy of “The Lorax” by Dr. Seuss
from the floor and puts it back on a shelf.

GRACE
(wistfully)
The stingbats knock them off. I guess I
always hope somebody will come back and
read them.

NORM
Why don’t they come back?

GRACE
(grimly)
The Na’vi learned as much about us as
they needed to know.

Jake sees something, and approaches the blackboard -- reaches
out to touch a pattern of holes blasted into the slate.
Unmistakably BULLET HOLES.
31.



JAKE
(turning to her)
What happened here?

GRACE
(sharply)
Are you going to help with this gear?
We’ve got a lot to do.

She turns away. Jake watches her as he jams equipment into
his pack.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action"]

Summary Jake and his team explore a ruined school and learn about the Na'vi's knowledge of the humans. Grace reminisces about the children who used to learn English from her and Jake discovers bullet holes in the blackboard.
Strengths "Introduces more information about the Na'vi and the human conflict, sets up a sense of danger and tension with the presence of bullet holes, and shows Grace's character as compassionate and nostalgic."
Weaknesses "Some may find the scene slow or lacking in action."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and provides visual descriptions that enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Grace and Jake lacks depth and emotion. Their conversation feels flat and doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship. To make the scene more engaging, the writer could add more subtext and conflict between the characters. For example, Jake could express his curiosity about the bullet holes and Grace could push back against his questions, revealing some tension in their dynamic.

Additionally, the scene lacks a clear goal or objective for the characters. While it's clear they are gathering instruments and equipment, there isn't a clear sense of what they are trying to accomplish or why it is important. Adding a sense of urgency or a specific objective would give the scene more tension and purpose.

Finally, the scene ends abruptly without any resolution or further development. It would be more effective to end on a cliffhanger or reveal a new piece of information that propels the narrative forward. Without some sort of change or progression, the scene feels static and doesn't engage the reader's attention.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from more dynamic dialogue, clear objectives, and a more compelling ending.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Show more of Jake's emotions: As the protagonist, it's important to see more of Jake's emotions in this scene. What is he feeling as he explores the school ruins and sees the bullet holes? Is he angry, sad, or curious? Including some internal dialogue or describing his body language can help to add depth to his character.

2. Add some tension: The scene lacks tension and conflict. Consider adding some conflict between Jake and Grace or Norm to make the scene more dynamic. Perhaps there is a disagreement about the approach they should take to their work, or Jake discovers something that Grace or Norm don't want him to know. This can help to create a sense of suspense and keep the audience engaged.

3. Use visual cues to show the setting: Instead of relying on dialogue to describe the setting, use visual cues to show the audience what the school ruins look like. Include details such as the state of the building, the overgrown vegetation, or the weather conditions to create a sense of place and help the audience imagine the scene more vividly.

4. Raise the stakes: The scene needs to have higher stakes to create more tension and keep the audience engaged. Perhaps there is a time crunch and they need to finish their work quickly before a storm hits, or there is a sense of danger lurking nearby, such as predators or enemies. This can add a layer of urgency and make the scene more exciting.

5. Develop Grace and Norm's characters: Grace and Norm are important supporting characters, but they feel somewhat one-dimensional in this scene. To make them more interesting, consider adding more backstory or personality traits that can help to flesh out their characters. This can also add some depth to their interactions with Jake and make the scene more engaging.



Scene 12 - Jake's Encounter with the Thanator
EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY

CLOSE ON Grace’s blue hand gently brushing away soil,
exposing a tangle of ROOT TENDRILS.

GRACE
See, right here where the roots of the
two trees interact.

WIDER -- GRACE and NORM crouch among enormous octopoidal
roots. She takes a tiny sample using a needle-like probe.
Norm uses a digital DEVICE to scan the roots.

JAKE, bored, scouts ahead a few meters.

He comes to a GLADE filled with shoulder-high SPIRAL PLANTS
called HELICORADIANS.

He BRUSHES one and SHTOONK! -- it SUCKS DOWN into a tube in
the ground so quickly it seems to simply vanish.

Curious, Jake touches another -- SHTOONK! And another --
like popping balloons after a party. SHTOONK! SHTOONK!
SHTOONK!

A chain reaction begins and the whole colony pulls down into
the ground, REVEALING --

A HAMMERHEAD TITANOTHERE. Like a six-legged rhinoceros, but
twice that size. Its massive, low-slung head has projections
of bone giving it the look of a hammerhead shark.

Its baleful eyes lock onto him. Jake raises his rifle.

Grace, alerted by the creature’s SNORTS, runs to where she
can see the tableau. She presses her THROAT MIKE.

GRACE
Don’t shoot. You’ll piss it off.
32.



The bull HAMMERHEAD bellows and lowers its 3 meter wide
sledgehammer of a skull.

JAKE
It’s already pissed off!

GRACE
Jake, that armor’s too thick. Trust me.

Jake starts to back away. The hammerhead bellows again,
pawing the earth.

GRACE
It’s a territorial threat display. Do not
run, or he’ll charge.

JAKE
What do I do?

GRACE
Hold your ground!

The hammerhead SLASHES its head sideways, splintering
saplings. It bellows again, lowers its head and CHARGES --

Jake SCREAMS at the top of his lungs, spreads his arms wide
and runs straight at the thing.

It STOPS abruptly, with an oversized BLEAT.

ON JAKE -- amazed the gambit worked.

JAKE
Oh yeah! Who’s bad?! That’s right.

SOMETHING rises up behind him out of focus --

A THANATOR. The most awesome land predator the universe has
ever conceived This thing could eat a T-rex and have the
Alien for desert.

It is a black six-limbed panther from Hell, with an armored
head and massive distensible jaws.

JAKE, unaware of the advancing thanator, is still bracing the
hammerhead --

JAKE
That’s what I’m talkin’ about, bitch!

The bull wheels around, TRUMPETING in fear, and CRASHES away
through splintering undergrowth.
33.



JAKE
That’s right motherf--

A guttural SNARL behind him. Jake spins in time to see --

THREE TONS of rippling thanator LAUNCH over him, landing
between him and the hammerhead. The ground shakes.

The thanator emits an earsplitting ROAR, enraged that the
hammerhead got away. It twists on itself, turning to face
Jake, and bares its fangs with a lethal HISS.

JAKE
What about this one? Run, don’t run?
What?

GRACE
Run. Definitely RUN!

Jake BOLTS as --

The thanator LEAPS after him and --

Jake launches himself between two large trunks, forcing the
beast to claw its way around to the side while --

Jake scrambles up -- around -- over a tangle of roots and --

SK-RASH!! CLAWS SLASH the air behind him, EXPLODING bark off
a trunk as --

JAKE wills himself forward in a frenzy. With rippling muscle
the beast is airborne again, blacking out the sun but --

JAKE dives under a massive root system, and --

CRASH! Kindling rains around him as the beast tears into the
root-trunks above him. Claws SLASH down next to him as he
rolls and crawls --

Glistening jaws SMASH and SNAP against the barrier trunks,
sending chunks of wood flying. It’s spittle sprays across
Jake, jaws inches away as --

He rolls onto his back, and FIRES his AR point blank but the
rifle is SNATCHED out of his hands. The beast SCREECHES an
ungodly WAIL of pain and rage and -- RIPS the ENTIRE TRUNK
away. Jake scrambles to escape but --

GLISTENING JAWS lunge downward, SNAP SHUT and --

The creature rips Jake out of the tree, shaking him like a
junkyard dog with a rabbit, only --
34.



It has him by the BACKPACK, so Jake unlatches it and --

He FLIES FREE as the thanator crushes the pack with its
teeth. Giving Jake a moment to sprint away, but --

With a hideous BELLOW the thanator crashes after him,
splintering trees.

JAKE RUNS in a blur, dodging between trunks as a glistening
black tornado shreds the forest behind him and --

He sees WATER ahead and DIVES OUTWARD with all his might --

The thanator’s jaws SNAP SHUT inches behind him as he flies
out into open space and --

JAKE SPLASHES down into a swiftly moving river.

The thanator LEAPS DOWN AFTER HIM, pursuing from rock to
rock, its claws swiping like a grizzly fishing for salmon.

Jake ducks under as -- FWHOOSH! -- black claws SLASH past
his face amid turbulent bubbles.

A WATERFALL ahead. Jake is swept over the falls, with the
thanator SWIPING at him from a rock, just MISSING and --

Jake disappears down the throat of the thundering cataract.

EXT. RIVER BELOW FALLS - DAY

The water boils below the cataract. Jake’s head bursts
through the surface, and he gasps for breath.

He is carried along by the current, but manages to grab a
limb on a fallen tree. He weakly pulls himself up, and just
lies there gasping on the trunk.

Above him, on the cliff, the THANATOR BELLOWS, a roar which
echoes across the jungle.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Sci-Fi"]

Summary While exploring the rainforest of Pandora, Jake and his team encounter a hammerhead titanotheres which they manage to fend off, but Jake is then chased by a massive predator known as a thanator. He narrowly escapes by diving into a river and going over a waterfall.
Strengths "intense and thrilling action sequence that showcases the dangers of Pandora's wildlife"
Weaknesses "dialogue is somewhat cheesy and predictable"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is action-packed and visually thrilling, but it could benefit from some tightening up in terms of pacing and clarity.

The opening shot of Grace brushing away soil and examining root tendrils is a bit slow and could be shortened or combined with a later shot for more efficiency.

The introduction of the spiral plants and subsequent reveal of the hammerhead titanotheres feels a bit rushed and jarring. It might be beneficial to extend the suspense and exploration of the plant life before introducing such a massive and intimidating creature.

The dialogue between Grace and Jake could be more concise and impactful. Some of their lines feel repetitive or unnecessary.

The introduction of the thanator is impressive, but the description of the creature feels overly wordy and could benefit from more concise, impactful language.

The action of the scene is well described and intense, but in some cases it feels a bit frenetic and hard to follow. Tightening up the pacing and clarity of the action could help make the scene even more thrilling and immersive.

Overall, there is a lot to work with in this scene, but some careful polishing and editing could elevate it to even greater heights.
Suggestions As a screenwriting AI language model, I have a few suggestions to improve the mentioned scene:

- Firstly, it would be helpful to establish the characters and their relationships with each other before this scene. It could be useful to show what they are doing in this place and how they got there.

- The dialogue between characters could be tightened to make it more efficient. For example, instead of "What about this one? Run, don't run? What?" Jake could simply ask, "What should I do?"

- There could be a clearer description of the setting, especially when it comes to the blocking of characters and their movement. For instance, it is not clear how far away Jake is from Grace and Norm or the hammerhead titantheres. Adding more details about the environment can enhance the tension in the scene.

- Lastly, it may be useful to add more sensory details to the scene. For instance, adding the sound of the waterfall or the smell of the rainforest can make the scene more vivid and immersive.



Scene 13 - Ambushed by Neytiri
EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY

JAKE, wet and bruised, crouches under a screen of giant
leaves. He hacks manically at the end of a cut sapling with
his knife, forming a crude but sharp tip.

EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY

TRACKING with Jake as he walks through the forest like it’s a
minefield, carrying his SPEAR white-knuckled. He is freaked
and hyper-alert.
35.



The trees here are a hundred meters high, blocking out the
sky. A few pencil beams of sunlight filter down into the
cyan gloom.

POV FROM ABOVE -- looking down through leaves we watch Jake
move warily through the forest.

ECU -- TWO GOLDEN EYES, bright in the shadows.

DOWNANGLE as Jake passes under a tree limb. Invisible to
him, draped on the limb like a leopard, is a striking NA’VI
GIRL. She watches, only her eyes moving.

She is lithe as a cat, with a long neck, muscular shoulders,
and nubile breasts. And she is devastatingly beautiful --
for a girl with a tail. In human age she would be 18. Her
name is NEYTIRI(nay-Tee-ree).

Jake passes less than 2 meters beneath her, oblivious.

NEYTIRI rises soundlessly. In one fluid, sinuous movement
she NOCKS an arrow to her BOW and DRAWS, aiming RIGHT AT
JAKE. Utterly silent.

Below her Jake is totally unaware of the arrow aimed at his
THROAT.

ON NEYTIRI as she follows him with the bow, muscles tensing
for the shot --

-- and SOMETHING drifts down in front of her, F.G. She
hesitates.

RACK FOCUS to the tip of the arrow -- where a single
WOODSPRITE floats down to land on the arrow-head.Like a
dandelion seed, but larger, the WOODSPRITE waves its silky
CILIA, feather light, as it balances on the deadly point. It
glows faintly in the dark shadows.

NEYTIRI frowns, puzzled, and LOWERS her bow slowly. The
woodsprite WHIRLS away into the gloom.
CUT TO:

INT./EXT. SAMSON - SUNSET

GRACE and NORM peer down into the shadowed forest as TRUDY
banks in a search pattern.

TRUDY (INTERCOM)
I’m going to have to call it, guys. We’re
not allowed to run night ops. Colonel’s
orders.
36.



Grace looks to the west. The sun setting behind alien trees.

GRACE
Shit.

TRUDY
Sorry, Doc. He’s just gonna have to hang
on ‘till morning.

GRACE
He’s not going to make it till morning.

Grace stares into the dark forest as the Samson banks hard,
thundering away toward the setting sun.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Science Fiction"]

Summary Jake cautiously navigates through the dense forest, only to find himself face to face with Neytiri, a young Na'vi huntress. She draws her bow, ready to attack, but is stopped by a glowing wood sprite that manages to distract her. The scene ends with Grace and Norm leaving Jake behind to spend the night in the forest, where danger lurks around every corner.
Strengths "The tension in the scene is high and the introduction of Neytiri adds a layer of mystery and danger to the story. The use of the wood sprite adds a touch of magic and the sunset backdrop sets a moody tone."
Weaknesses "The scene feels like a setup for what's to come rather than a self-contained moment. The dialogue is a bit clunky and lacks subtlety."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene is well-written and visually descriptive, creating a vivid image of a dangerous rainforest and the tense situation that the protagonist finds himself in. However, there is a slight issue with the introduction of the Na'vi girl Neytiri. While her appearance is described in detail, there is no clear reason why she is there or why she is pointing an arrow at Jake. This could be further developed to create more depth to the scene and enhance the character dynamics. Additionally, it is unclear why the woodsprite distracts Neytiri and causes her to lower her bow. Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from further exploration of character motivations and interactions.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Give more context to Jake's situation. Why is he wet and bruised? What led him to be in the rainforest in the first place? Adding some exposition will help the audience understand and empathize with him more.
- Show Jake's emotions more clearly. We're told he's freaked and hyper-alert, but we don't see any of that in his actions or expressions. Show him looking around nervously, maybe even startled by some noises in the forest.
- Instead of a POV shot from above, consider using a tracking shot behind Jake's shoulder. This will keep the audience more engaged and allow them to see what Jake sees.
- Show more of Neytiri's reaction to the woodsprite. Right now, it's a bit unclear why the woodsprite would make her lower her bow. Does she recognize it as a sacred creature or is she just confused by its presence? Adding more context to this moment will make it more impactful.
- Consider adding some dialogue to the scene between Grace and Norm on the Samson. This will break up the action and give the audience a chance to catch their breath.



Scene 14 - Surviving the Viperwolves
EXT. RAINFOREST - NIGHT

LONG LENS-- POLYPHEMUS. The giant planet rises behind the
black trees.

Jake’s got a new problem. He sees shapes moving with liquid
grace in the NIGHT shadows behind him. He is being stalked by
a pack of VIPERWOLVES.

Jake catches only glimpses -- a glint of eyes, a slinking
black movement -- then nothing. Darkness.

TIME CUT -- TIGHT ON Jake’s hands as he knots his T-shirt
around the butt end of the spear.

ANGLE ON THICK SAP trickling down a tree-trunk. Jake jams
the makeshift torch into the sap, soaking the shirt with it.

A WATERPROOF MATCH from his survival kit lights the torch.

The torch creates a pool of light surrounded by pulsing,
leaping shadows. Jake turns warily as he moves along the
trail.

Behind him are several pairs of reflective green EYES.
Another pair flanking him beside the trail. Black-on-black
SHAPES which seem to flow like liquid.

He looks up -- sees one cross a limb overhead. Another on
his opposite flank.

Then a hideous sound, like a hyena's psychotic LAUGH.

The VIPERWOLVES can run like a dog and climb like a monkey.
They are hunting Jake from the ground and the trees.
37.



JAKE RUNS by torch-light, on the edge of panic. He reaches a
steep banked stream and -- without thinking -- runs across it
on a horizontal trunk --

-- and STOPS DEAD on the other side. The torch illuminates
GREEN EYES cutting ahead of him across the trail. The
viperwolves have him encircled.

The psychotic BARKS become more intense as they signal each
other, getting excited. ONE MAKES A RUN at him, angling on
his legs from behind but --

JAKE WHIRLS, jamming the torch in its face. It yips and goes
past, but ANOTHER moves in --

He jabs it with the business end of the spear and it SNARLS,
retreating, baring its fangs.

Now half a dozen are circling him in the open, and he sees
what he’s up against. The VIPERWOLVES are six-limbed with
shiny chitinous skin, their paws leathery BLACK HANDS.
Intelligent eyes. Glistening black teeth in dead white gums.

Jake realizes that he is making his final stand. He whirls
the torch in an arc, keeping them at bay --

And feels a rush of adrenaline. It goes through him like a
lightning bolt and the fear is gone.

JAKE
(screaming)
I don’t have all goddamn night! Come on!
Come on!

With snarls and a blur of motion THEY ATTACK.

Jake CRACKS the spear down on one, then SPINS as --

ANOTHER LEAPS at him and he plants the spear in it, striking
true, but --

Its momentum wrenches it from his hands, and the torch goes
flying. Left in semi-darkness, Jake draws his KNIFE as--

A WOLF LUNGES, sinking its teeth into his arm. He YELLS in
pain and fury, SLASHING with the knife which --

CUTS deep into the beast’s shoulder and it lets go.

JAKE SPRINTS, trying to escape, but a snarling viperwolf
leaps, GRABBING him by the ankle with its fore-hand. Jake
tears away, sprawling, SCRAMBLING to get up as --
38.



THREE WOLVES charge at once. The nearest LEAPS at his throat
just as --

THUNK!! -- an ARROW appears in its chest.

The wolf lands on him, already a dead weight. He pushes it
off in time to see --

A BLUE AMAZON emerge from the trees, nock another arrow, draw
and FIRE in one fluid motion. AN UNEARTHLY YOWL as another
wolf falls.

NEYTIRI LEAPS right over Jake, and CRACKS her bow down on the
skull of a circling wolf.

ANOTHER SPRINGS at her and she drops under its weight, but
rolls, coming up on top of it with a knife in her hand.

Her knife FLASHES down, buried to the hilt in its chest.

SNARLING, a wounded wolf attacks Jake, and he KICKS it away,
but --

It SPINS and leaps back onto him, and Jake barely catches its
throat in time to keep the SNAPPING JAWS away from his face.

MEANWHILE Neytiri swings her bow in a big arc, CRACKING IT
across the heads and shoulders of two remaining wolves.

NEYTIRI
Rrreeyaaah! Hyaaaah!!

The wolves slink and circle, yelping as the bow whistles past
them. Finally they break and run, with Neytiri chasing and--

They bound away through the foliage as she SHOUTS after them--

NEYTIRI
Raaaarrrr!

Jake has his adversary pinned and is choking it with all his
weight. Finally it stops thrashing. Panting, he releases it
and looks up at --

NEYTIRI. Her tail LASHES as she scans the forest, listening
to the fading YELPS of the wolves. Satisfied the attack is
over, she turns.

She regards him coldly for a second, then walks past him.
Neytiri picks up the torch and extinguishes it in a stream.

JAKE
Wait, don’t --
39.



Jake blinks around at the darkness -- realizing he can still
see. In fact, with the blinding torchlight gone, the forest
is transformed.

The jungle has come alive with BIOLUMINESCENCE -- spots and
patterns, ghosts and galaxies of blue-green light.

Jake scrambles to recover his spear. Neytiri kneels beside --

A DYING WOLF. It’s CRIES are pitiful. It paws the air,
trying to raise its head. She pulls her KNIFE from its
chest.

NEYTIRI
(in Na’vi)
Forgive me, my brother.

She cuts its throat, ending the pitiful cries. She touches
its head gently, regarding it with sadness.

Neytiri wipes the knife and returns it to the sheath at her
waist. She crosses to another slain wolf and kneels, pulling
the arrow from its heart.

JAKE
Look, um, I know you probably don’t
understand this. But -- thanks. Thank
you. I owe you.

Neytiri ignores him, assuming a prayer posture over the dead
animal.

NEYTIRI
(in Na’vi)
Forgive me. May your spirit run with the
Great Mother.

JAKE
I would have been screwed if you hadn’t
come along --

She rises and walks away without looking at Jake.

JAKE
Hey, wait. Wait! Where you goin’?

He crashes through some plants, catching up to her.

JAKE
Slow down a second will you. I just want
to thank you for killing those --

He makes the mistake of grasping her shoulder and --
40.



WHACK! She WALLOPS him upside the head with her bow in a
fierce backhand swing, laying him out flat.

He looks up to see a FURY standing over him. A Fury who
speaks English -- accented, halting, angry English.

NEYTIRI
Don’t thank! You don’t thank for this!
This is sad. Very sad, only.

JAKE
Okay, I’m sorry. Whatever I did -- I’m
sorry.

She gestures at the bodies of the viperwolves.

NEYTIRI
All this is your fault! They did not need
to die.

JAKE
They attacked me. How’m I the bad guy
here--

She silences him with the tip of her bow at his throat.

NEYTIRI
Your fault! You are like a baby, making
noise, don’t know what to do. You should
not come here, all of you! You only come
and make problems. Only.

Jake gets up, slowly, facing her.

JAKE
Okay, fine, you love your little forest
friends. So why not just let them kill
my ass? What’s the thinking?

CU Neytiri -- looking away. Finally, reluctantly, her eyes
MEET HIS for the first time -- a riveting gaze with those big
gold orbs.

NEYTIRI
Why save you?

JAKE
Yes, why save me?

NEYTIRI
You have a strong heart. No fear.

She leans closer --
41.



NEYTIRI
But stupid! Ignorant like a child!

She turns away, stalking off, but Jake goes after her.

TRACKING WITH Neytiri as she climbs nimbly along a huge ROOT.

WIDER as she trots with perfect balance along the root, which
forms an elevated walkway.

Jake runs to catch up, realizing suddenly that he is far
above the forest floor. Throughout the following they move
through a GLOWING PHANTASMAGORICAL FOREST.

JAKE
If I’m so ignorant, maybe you should
teach me.

NEYTIRI
Sky people can not learn. You do not
See.

She leaps to another elevated root. Jake follows, surprised
that he made it.

JAKE
Whooaa.

He runs to catch up with her easy jogging pace.

JAKE
Then teach me to “see.”

She stops and he almost runs into her.

NEYTIRI
No one can teach you to See.

Then she turns and trots on.
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary Jake is being hunted by a pack of viperwolves and has to fight them off to survive. Neytiri, a Na’vi huntress, comes to his aid and saves him, but is angry with him for causing the conflict. As they walk through the glowing rainforest, Jake asks her to teach him to 'see,' but she tells him it's not something that can be taught.
Strengths "The action scenes are intense and well-written, with good use of tension and suspense. Neytiri is a strong, complex character who adds depth to the story."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit clumsy and exposition-heavy. Jake's character development feels a bit rushed and forced."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of building tension and developing the relationship between Jake and Neytiri. The action is intense and the viperwolves are described vividly, creating a sense of danger for the characters.

One possible flaw is that the dialogue between Jake and Neytiri can feel a bit on-the-nose in terms of their characterizations. Jake is portrayed as eager to learn and grateful for Neytiri's help, while Neytiri is initially hostile and critical towards him. While these traits are important for their dynamic, the dialogue can feel a bit forced at times.

Another issue is that the initial description of the scene feels somewhat generic – "Jake’s got a new problem. He sees shapes moving with liquid grace in the NIGHT shadows behind him." This could be tightened up to provide more specific detail that helps build the tension and atmosphere of the scene.

Finally, some of the action can feel a bit hard to follow at times, with quick cuts between different characters and movements. It might be helpful to clarify some of the blocking and positioning of the characters to make it easier for the reader to visualize the scene.

Overall, though, this is a well-executed scene that effectively builds tension and develops the characters of Jake and Neytiri.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and suspenseful, but some potential improvements could be:

1. Add more sensory details: Aside from the sight of the viperwolves and the bioluminescence, there is little description of the other senses at play, such as the sounds of the jungle or the feel of Jake's adrenaline rushing through his body. Adding these details could enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.

2. Develop Neytiri's character more: While Neytiri is introduced as a fierce warrior and skilled hunter, her dialogue and actions could be expanded upon to show more of her personality and motivations. This would help make her more of a well-rounded character and deepen her interactions with Jake.

3. Show, don't tell: Some of the dialogue, such as when Jake thanks Neytiri for saving him, feels a bit on the nose. Instead of having the characters explicitly state their feelings, try to convey them through their actions and body language. This would make the scene feel more organic and let the audience draw their own conclusions about the characters' emotions.



Scene 15 - Encounter with the Na'vi
EXT. GORGE - NIGHT

They run across the elevated root of an enormous tree -- a
horizontal trunk big as an oak.

WIDE SHOT as they cross a DEEP GORGE. A waterfall shimmers
silver in the Polyphemus-light. Vines hang down a hundred
feet into the gorge, and among them swoop stingbats and other
night flyers.

JAKE
Hey, slow down. Look, I think we just
got off on the wrong foot and --
42.



Jake looks down, suddenly aware of the height.

JAKE
--you just have to get to know me. I’m
Jake. Jake Sull--

A vine catches his spear and spins him off balance. He drops
the spear and almost falls off the root.

JAKE
Whooaaa -- shit!

Neytiri catches him with one hand, gripping his bicep. He
watches the spear cartwheel down to splash in the river.

She pulls him upright. Shouts at him in English and Na’vi.

JAKE
I need your help.

NEYTIRI
You should not be here.

JAKE
So take me with you.

NEYTIRI
No. You go back.

DOWN ANGLE FROM FAR ABOVE -- several WOODSPRITES float down
through the trees. FOLLOW THEM as they descend silently
toward Jake and Neytiri.

NEYTIRI, sensing a presence, looks up to see --

The WOODSPRITES, PULSING with purpose, float right towards
Jake. They dance gently around his shoulders and head.

JAKE
(off her amazed look)
What?

More woodsprites gather around him. Several ALIGHT on him.

Jake holds still, knowing he should be afraid -- but somehow
he’s not. He spreads his arms. More sprites come, landing
all over his arms, hands, body.

JAKE
What are they?

CU NEYTIRI -- reacting with a mixture of wonder and dread.
43.



NEYTIRI
Atokirina’. Seeds of the Great Tree --
very pure spirits.

Jake -- now a pulsing, glowing, fluttering MASS OF LIGHT --
moves one hand slowly, not wanting to break the spell. He
studies one of the sprites dancing on his palm until --

-- WHOOSSHH! the woodsprites whirl up and away, scattering
into the darkness.

JAKE
What was that all about?

Neytiri seems shaken. She seizes his hand and pulls him
after her.

NEYTIRI
Come!
CUT TO:

EXT. RAINFOREST - NIGHT

TRACKING WITH JAKE as he gazes about him in growing wonder.
He touches leaves as he passes, watching the bioluminescence
shiver through them.

Jake looks down as -- they cross a bed of purple MOSS which
reacts to the pressure of their footsteps. Rings of green
light, like ripples on a pond, expand outward from each
footfall. Exploding rings of light where his feet touch
down. Dream-like, surreal beauty.

WIDE ON THEM as they run over a large root, across a mirror-
like POOL at the base of a WATERFALL.

Jake follows Neytiri, running along a raised root-trunk.

JAKE
What’s your name?

JAKE hears WHOOSH-WHOOSH and snaps a look as a BOLO flies at
him, spinning end for end and --

SHWHAP!! -- tangles around his legs. He topples off the root
and crashes into the foliage below.

JAKE untangles himself, getting up to run just as --

SEVERAL NA’VI RIDERS thunder toward him. They are riding
DIREHORSES -- six-legged, armor-skinned alien Clydesdales.
44.


We see that the riders’ QUEUES are connected to the horses’
long moth-like antennae -- a neural-link with which they can
command the horse, leaving hands free for weapons.

The riders aim bows and spears at Jake as they approach. Jake
turns to bolt, but --

NA’VI HUNTERS melt out of the shadows, weapons aimed --
blocking his retreat.

Neytiri drops to the ground next to Jake and confronts the
LEAD RIDER. She shouts sharply in Na’vi --

NEYTIRI
(subtitled)
Tsu’tey, what are you doing?! He is my
captive!

TSU’TEY(tsu-Tay)is young and powerfully built, with sculpted
features and a proud jawline, piercing eyes. Tsu'tey swings
off his mount with fluid grace.

TSU’TEY
(subtitled)
These demons are forbidden here. I will
kill this one as a lesson to the others!

Tsu’tey draws his bow but Neytiri leaps between him and Jake,
confronting him warrior to warrior.

NEYTIRI
(subtitled)
Stop! There has been a sign. This is a
matter for the Tsahik.

Tsu’tey clenches his jaw with frustration -- frustration with
her as much as the situation. He turns and angrily remounts
his direhorse, barking a command to the HUNTERS.

TSU’TEY
(subtitled)
Bring him.

They grab Jake and haul him to his feet. Encircled by spears
and bows, he is shoved forward along the trail, as Tsu’tey
and the others ride ahead.
CUT TO:

EXT. HOMETREE - NIGHT

JAKE is hauled roughly toward Neytiri’s village, which is
sheltered inside one of the GREAT TREES. HOMETREE is 250
meters tall, with a trunk four times the diameter of the
largest Sequoia, and a base of massive mangrove-pillars.
45.



TSU’TEY rides inside the columns at the base of Hometree,
shouting an ululating WARNING.

Jake is force-marched through the pillars into --
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary Jake meets Neytiri and learns about the Atokirina' wood sprites. He is then ambushed by a group of Na'vi hunters and taken to their village.
Strengths "The scene establishes a sense of wonder and magic with the Atokirina' wood sprites and Jake's growing fascination with the world of Pandora. The conflict and tension are also ramped up as he is ambushed and taken captive by the Na'vi."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is a bit on the nose in places, with characters explaining things rather than showing them. Also, there is a lack of clear motivation for why the Na'vi are so hostile towards Jake other than his being a human."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As an AI language model, I am not an expert in screenwriting. However, I can provide some general feedback on the scene:

- The scene has a clear setting and visual description, which is helpful for the reader or viewer to imagine the environment.

- There is a sense of danger and tension in the scene, which creates interest and suspense. The use of different creatures and the threat of violence adds to the mood.

- The dialogue between Jake and Neytiri could be improved. It feels a bit cliched and lacks depth. More character development and subtlety in the conversation could make it more engaging.

- The introduction and explanation of the woodsprites feel rushed and unclear. It is not clear what they are or why they are important, and the scene moves on quickly without fully exploring or explaining them. This could leave the audience confused or disconnected from the story.

Overall, the scene has some strengths but also some areas that could be improved.
Suggestions The scene can be improved by adding more clarity and specificity to the action. Here are some possible suggestions:

- Add more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the gorge and the rainforest. For example, describe the sounds of the waterfall, the smells of the plants, or the feel of the moss underfoot. This can help immerse the audience in the setting and make them feel like they're there with the characters.
- Show more of Jake's personality and motives. Right now, he comes across as a bit cliche and generic ("you just have to get to know me"). Instead, give him more specific traits and quirks that make him stand out and make the audience care about his journey. Also, clarify why he is so determined to join Neytiri and her people. Is it just curiosity, or does he have a specific goal in mind?
- Make the action sequences clearer and more exciting. For example, when Jake gets caught in the vine, show more of his struggle to regain his balance and avoid falling. Use specific language to describe how the woodsprites move and interact with him. Show more of the direhorses and their riders, and make their weapons and abilities more distinctive.
- Give Neytiri more agency and depth. Right now, she mostly serves as a plot device to introduce Jake to the Na'vi culture. Instead, show more of her personality and how she feels about Jake and his intrusion into her world. Make her more active in the action sequences and more vocal in her objections to Tsu'tey and the hunters.
- Use more visual and metaphorical language to describe the environment and the characters. For example, instead of just saying "the woodsprites float down," use language that evokes their surreal beauty and mystical power. Similarly, instead of just describing Tsu'tey's features, use language that suggests his pride and defiance. This can help elevate the script beyond a simple description of events and make it feel more poetic and cinematic.



Scene 16 - Avatar - The Clan Leader
INT. COMMONS/HOMETREE - NIGHT

An open CENTRAL AREA. The villagers gather to see the
arriving hunt party. We see the people of the tribe --
mothers with babies, old women, young hunters.

They gawk at the alien, expressions ranging from curiosity to
outright hostility. The huge eyes of the children follow
him.

Jake is amazed at the size of HOMETREE inside. By the light
of the COOK-FIRES he can see up into a vast cylindrical
gallery -- a living cathedral.

Clear membranes -- sturmbeest bladders -- filled with
fluttering bio-luminescent insects, act as area lighting.

The central space is dominated by the SKULL of some enormous
creature, mounted with much embellishment on a TOTEM.
Standing in front of this, awaiting their approach, is --

EYTUKAN (AY-too-kahn), the Clan Leader. Eytukan has deeply
chiselled features and a long chest mantle of THANATOR CLAWS.
His normally stern features are clouded further by anger.

EYTUKAN
(subtitled)
Why do you bring this creature here?

Neytiri addresses Eytukan in Na’vi.

NEYTIRI
(subtitled)
I was going to kill him, but there was a
sign from Eywa.

He glowers at her as he responds, pointing at Jake.

EYTUKAN
(subtitled)
I have said no dreamwalker will come
here, to offend our home! His alien
smell fills my nose

Neytiri stands her ground, answering in a respectful but not
submissive tone.
46.



NEYTIRI
(subtitled)
Father, many atokirina came to this
alien.

JAKE
What’s going on?

NEYTIRI
My father is deciding whether to kill
you.

JAKE
Your father!?
(to Eytukan)
Uh, good to meet you, sir.

Jake steps forward, offering his hand, and the hunters JUMP
to restrain him, shouting. But they all FREEZE as --

A commanding FEMALE VOICE echoes through the chamber.

MO’AT
(Na’vi)
Step back!

Everybody looks up.

MO’AT (MOH-aht) stands on the second level, looking down.
She is a severe woman in her 50’s. Her bearing is haughty,
her expression friendly as a hanging-judge. Her outfit is
elaborate, denoting her rank as CLAN MATRIARCH.

MO’AT
(subtitled)
I will look at this alien.

There is an expectant hush as Mo'at descends the helical core
of Hometree, a kind of natural spiral staircase.

NEYTIRI
That is Mother. She is Tsahik -- the one
who interprets the will of Eywa.

JAKE
Who’s Eywa?

Neytiri kneels before her like an acolyte as Mo’at passes.

The villagers stare silently as the Matriarch circles slowly
around Jake, examining his tail and the end of his queue.
47.



MO’AT
(thick accent)
What are you called?

JAKE
Jake Sully.

She produces a long THORN between her fingertips. With a
flourish she strikes his chest.

Jake flinches. RED BLOOD wells up and Mo'at rubs some
between her fingertips. She tastes it.

MO'AT
Why did you come to us?

JAKE
I came to learn.

MO'AT
We have tried to teach other Sky People.
It is hard to fill a cup which is already
full.

JAKE
My cup is empty, trust me. Just ask
Doctor Augustine. I’m no scientist.

MO'AT
What are you?

JAKE
I don’t know. I was a Marine -- uh, a
warrior. Of the Jarhead clan.

TSU’TEY
(subtitled)
A warrior! I could kill him easily!

EYTUKAN
(subtitled)
No! This is the first warrior
dreamwalker we have seen. We need to
learn more about him.

JAKE
What’s going on? What are they saying?

MO’AT
(to Neytiri, subtitled)
Daughter. You will teach him our way, to
speak and walk as we do.
48.



NEYTIRI looks shocked, then angry.

NEYTIRI
(subtitled)
Why me? That's not fair! I only--

MO’AT
(subtitled)
It is decided!

Neytiri subsides, turning to glare at Jake.

MO'AT
(to Jake)
My daughter will teach you our ways.
Learn well, Jakesully. We will see if
your insanity can be cured.

She turns to Neytiri, her expression stern --

MO'AT
(subtitled)
He is your responsibility.

Neytiri nods, accepting, but she’s not a happy camper. She
grabs Jake’s arm and pulls him roughly away.

JAKE
So it’s all good, right? You and me --

NEYTIRI
Do not speak.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action"]

Summary Jake and his team are taken to the Na'vi village where they are confronted by the clan leader, Eytukan. Neytiri saves Jake from being killed and he meets the matriarch, Mo'at, who orders Neytiri to teach Jake their ways.
Strengths "- Well-established conflict between the humans and the Na'vi \n- Introduces important new characters \n- Sets up a significant plot point for the rest of the film"
Weaknesses "- Dialogue can be clunky at times \n- Lack of action may disappoint some viewers"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 10

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene contains good visual description and effective use of subtitles to convey dialogue in a foreign language. However, there are a few areas that could benefit from improvement.

Firstly, the introduction of characters could be clearer. While Eytukan is introduced as the clan leader, Mo'at is later referred to as the matriarch without prior introduction. It would be helpful to establish her role earlier on.

Additionally, there could be more tension and conflict in the dialogue between Eytukan and Jake. Eytukan's anger is mentioned, but it doesn't quite come across strongly enough, and Jake's reaction feels a bit too casual. More emphasis on the potential danger of the situation would make for a more engaging scene.

Finally, there's a missed opportunity to create humor or irony in the exchange between Jake and Mo'at. When Mo'at asks Jake what he is, and he responds that he doesn't know, it would be amusing if she were to follow up by saying something like "Then how do you know you're not a scientist?" This kind of moment could add a touch of levity to the scene and make the characters feel more human.

Overall, the scene establishes the conflict between Jake and the Na'vi in a clear and engaging way, but with some minor tweaks, it could feel even more compelling.
Suggestions Here are my suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify who the alien is: While it is implied that the alien is Jake, it would be better to explicitly state this for clarity.

2. Provide more details about the villagers and their reactions: Instead of simply stating that the villagers range from curiosity to hostility, it would be beneficial to give specific examples of their reactions. This will help to create a more immersive and vivid scene.

3. Add more sensory details: While the description of HOMETREE is interesting, it is lacking in sensory details. Adding more description of the smells, sounds, and textures present will help to create a more immersive atmosphere.

4. Make the dialogue clearer: While using subtitles is fine, the dialogue itself could benefit from being clearer and more concise. Shorter, more direct sentences will make the dialogue easier to understand.

5. Provide more context: While the scene does a good job of introducing new characters and concepts, more context about the world and its inhabitants would be helpful for the audience. This could be done through dialogue or visual cues.



Scene 17 - Neytiri Tests Jake
INT. SECOND LEVEL/HOMETREE

LATER, Neytiri leads Jake up the spiral to the SECOND LEVEL.
He now wears only a ratty LOINCLOTH. His wounds are bound
with plant-fiber bandages.

THE ENTIRE CLAN is squatting at dinner in a huge circle. They
stop talking and turn to gaze at Jake as he enters the
circle.

JAKE
Don’t get up.

Neytiri crosses the circle to the cook pit and returns with
several large leaves heaped with food. She kneels next to
Jake, placing the food in front of him almost DEFIANTLY.

JAKE
You never told me your name.
49.



NEYTIRI
Neytiri te Ckaha Mo'at’ite.

JAKE
Okay, again, a whole lot slower.

NEYTIRI
(exaggerated slowness)
Neytiri. Nay-TEE-ree.

Jake knows she’s baiting him. He smiles in response.

JAKE
Nay-TEE-ree. That’s nice. Nay-TEE-ree.

ACROSS THE CIRCLE, Tsu’tey, Mo'at and Eytukan sit together,
glancing up occasionally from their food to the stranger.

TSU’TEY
(subtitled)
These aliens try to look like people, but
they can’t.

MO'AT
(subtitled)
He seems dim to me. And his eyes are too
small.

NEYTIRI motions for Jake to take portions from the serving
leaves onto his own leaf.

JAKE
Your mom likes me. I can tell.

MO’AT, watching Jake and Neytiri, leans over to Eytukan.

MO'AT
(subtitled)
Neytiri will test this “warrior.” Hey may
learn nothing -- but we will learn much.

EYTUKAN
You speak truth. We must understand
these Sky People if we are to drive them
out.

Jake munches on a white shrimp-like thing.

JAKE
These rock. What are they?

NEYTIRI
Teylu. You call beetle larvae.
50.



Jake blanches. She heaps some more onto his leaf -- a
CHALLENGE -- and Jake meets her eyes, takes a handful, and
starts munching enthusiastically.

JAKE
That’s some damn fine teylu. That’s like
grandma’s teylu.

CU TSU’TEY, warily eyeing Jake --

TSU’TEY
(subtitled)
I say she will kill him.
CUT TO:

INT. THIRD LEVEL - NIGHT

The sleeping level -- families nesting in groups on woven
hammocks the size of trampolines. The hunters sleep along
SPOKES joining the inner trunk to the tree’s outer shell.

Jake lies awake in a hammock, people rustling in the darkness
around him. Neytiri is nearby, curled up like a little girl.
She stares at him for a moment, then closes her eyes.

Jake watches the glowing bugs fluttering inside a night-
light, a pulse of life energy. A strange peace spreads
through him. He closes his eyes and --
CUT TO:

INT. LINK ROOM - NIGHT

GRACE is over JAKE in the Link, SLAPPING him, as Max and NORM
hover.

GRACE
Come on back, kid, that’s it.

JAKE
Wha --? Oh.

He looks around, blinking. Reality crashing in.

GRACE
Damn, you were dug in like a tick.
(she helps him sit up)
Is the avatar safe?

JAKE
(huge grin)
Yeah, Doc -- and you are not going to
believe where I am.
CUT TO:
51.



INT. COMMISSARY - MORNING

BREAKFAST the next day. The other drivers lean forward,
hanging on Grace’s re-telling of the tale.

GRACE
-- so the kid’s out there one night and
he’s got the Queen Bitch herself offering
him the spare room and the car keys.
Unbelievable.

JAKE
It’s not something you can teach.

Some of the other scientists clap Jake on the shoulders in
congratulation.

MAX
That’s awesome, Jake.

NORM chomps his bacon, fuming.

GRACE
(to Jake, getting serious)
For reasons I cannot fathom, the
Omaticaya have chosen you. God help us
all.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action","Adventure"]

Summary Jake is taken to the Na'vi village where he is introduced to the clan leader and the matriarch. Neytiri challenges him during dinner by offering him beetle larvae, which he eats with enthusiasm. The Na'vi discuss Jake's purpose amongst them.
Strengths "The scene does a great job of introducing the Na'vi culture and their reaction to Jake's presence. It also shows Neytiri's feisty personality and sets up the conflict between her and Jake."
Weaknesses "The scene could have benefited from more tension and action to keep the audience engaged."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene effectively highlights the cultural differences between the Na'vi and Jake. It is a good example of how to establish cultural norms in a story without being too didactic. However, the dialogue could be improved to make it more natural. The conversation between Neytiri and Jake feels a bit forced, as if they are simply exchanging information rather than having a real conversation. Additionally, the dialogue between Tsu'tey, Mo'at, and Eytukan is a bit on the nose. It is clear that they are discussing Jake, and their observations about him are a bit too simplistic. It would be better if what they said was more nuanced and revealed more about their personalities and their beliefs. Finally, the scene ends abruptly, which can be jarring for the audience. It may be better to write a transition that leads more smoothly into the next scene.
Suggestions - Instead of relying on exposition to describe the scene, try using action to show what is happening. For example, instead of stating that "the entire clan is squatting at dinner in a huge circle", show them squatted around the cook pit, passing food to each other, and engaging in conversation.
- To add more depth to the scene, give each character a specific action or reaction to Jake's presence. For example, Tsu'tey could be glaring at Jake while Mo'at is giving him a more thoughtful, curious look.
- Consider giving Neytiri and Jake more character development in this scene. You could show Jake's initial discomfort with the clan's customs and Neytiri's sly playfulness in teasing him, for example.
- Instead of relying on subtitles for Tsu'tey and Mo'at's dialogue, try incorporating visual cues or body language to convey their thoughts and feelings. For example, Tsu'tey's hostile expression could indicate his disdain for Jake, while Mo'at's furrowed brow could suggest that she is skeptical of him.
- In order to heighten the tension and stakes of the scene, consider adding in more conflict or obstacles. For example, Jake could accidentally offend someone with his behavior or Neytiri could be questioning her loyalty to her clan in light of her growing fondness for Jake.



Scene 18 - Negotiations and Ultimatums
INT. OPS CENTER - MORNING

JAKE has reported to SELFRIDGE and QUARITCH. Quaritch turns
from gazing out at the wall of forest, displaying a feral
grin.

QUARITCH
Jarhead clan?
(he laughs)
And that worked?

JAKE
(grinning)
Yeah. They want to study me. See if I
can learn to be one of them.

QUARITCH
That’s how you seize the initiative. I
wish I had ten more like you.

SELFRIDGE
Look, Sully -- find out what these blue
monkeys want.
(MORE)
52.

SELFRIDGE (cont'd)
We try to give them medicine and
education. Roads! But no -- they like
mud. I wouldn’t care except --

Selfridge turns to a large 3D GRAPHIC DISPLAY, pointing. A
road runs from Hell’s Gate to a proposed new mine miles away.

SELFRIDGE
Their damn village is sitting right over
the richest unobtanium deposit for a
hundred klicks in any direction. Which
sucks -- for them -- because they need to
relocate.

JAKE
(taking that in)
Does Augustine know about this?

SELFRIDGE
Yeah, she does, and she’s on the next
ship back if she tries to cock-block me
on it.

JAKE
So -- who talks them into moving?

QUARITCH
(turning)
Guess.

JAKE
What if they won’t go?

QUARITCH
(icy)
I’m betting they will.

SELFRIDGE
Killing the indigenous looks bad, but
there’s one thing shareholders hate more
than bad press -- and that’s a bad
quarterly statement. Find me a carrot to
get them to move, or it’s going to have
to be all stick.

Jake is shaken by the enormity of this new responsibility.

QUARITCH
You got three months. That’s when the
dozers get there.

JAKE
I’m on it.
CUT TO:
53.



INT. BIO LAB - MORNING

JAKE pumps his chair across the lab, flanked by GRACE and
NORM. Grace holds STEREO STILL PICTURES in front of him, one
at a time -- images of clan members she has shot over the
years -- a kind of flash card drill.

JAKE
Tsu’tey.
(next photo)
Mo’at.
(next photo)
Eytukan.

GRACE
He’s the clan leader --
(indicating Mo’at)
-- but she’s the spiritual leader. Like
a shaman.

INT. LINK ROOM

The dialogue is continuous as they enter.

JAKE
Got it. So who’s this Eywa?

NORM
Who’s Eywa? Oh, only their deity. The
Great Mother. The goddess made up of all
living things. You’d know that if you
had any training whatsoever.

He hauls himself from wheelchair to Link.

JAKE
Who’s got a date with the chief’s
daughter?

GRACE
Knock it off. Jesus, it’s like
kindergarten around here.

As Jake settles into the soft embrace of the link, Grace
inputs commands at the control station.

GRACE
Neytiri was my best student. She and her
sister Silwanin. Just amazing girls.

JAKE
I didn’t meet the sister.
54.



GRACE
(quietly)
No, she’s dead.
(turning to him)
Okay, let’s go -- village life starts
early.

MAX
Link is ready.

Grace lowers the bio-sensor array over Jake’s chest.

GRACE
Don’t do anything unusually stupid.

She closes the clamshell and we --

INT. HOMETREE/ THIRD LEVEL - DAY

CU JAKE’S AVATAR, blinking awake, staring up at --

HOMETREE, like a gothic cathedral overhead. Sunlight streams
down through gaps in the towering vault.
CUT TO:

INT. COMMONS - DAY

JAKE walks among the villagers, who go about their daily
tasks.

-- young girls sit together, weaving and SINGING. They look
up as he passes, then go back to work.

--two men clean the fish they’ve caught.

-- a young mother pounds seeds into meal, while nursing an
infant.

--children chase each other and climb like monkeys. One bold
LITTLE GIRL runs up to Jake, stops -- staring -- then shrieks
with laughter as she runs back to her playmates.

GRINNING, Jake turns to see NEYTIRI cantering toward him on a
DIREHORSE. She leads a second horse, an old sway-backed
MARE. His grin drops.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Action"]

Summary Jake is given the task to convince the Na'vi to move their village so that the corporation can access the richest deposit of unobtanium on Pandora. He starts learning about the Na'vi and their way of life with the help of Grace and Norm. Jake meets Neytiri and learns about the clan leaders and their spiritual leader. He goes to the Na'vi village and is introduced to their way of life. The village discusses Jake's purpose among them as a potential threat to their existence.
Strengths "This scene sets up a compelling conflict between the corporation and the Na'vi, with high stakes on both sides. The world-building is also strong, as we get more information about the Na'vi and their beliefs. The scene also showcases some interesting character dynamics, particularly between Jake and Neytiri."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly focused on exposition and setting up the conflict, so it lacks the action and excitement of earlier scenes in the screenplay. There are also some clunky lines of dialogue that detract from the scene's overall impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 0

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 0

Story Forward: 0

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively sets up the conflict between the human characters and the Na'vi. The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. Show, don't tell: The conversation about the Na'vi village sitting on the unobtanium deposit feels a bit too exposition-heavy. It might be more effective to show the audience the importance of the unobtanium with visuals or a more subtle approach to the dialogue.

2. Characterization: While the dialogue effectively conveys information about the characters, there could be more effort put into developing their distinct voices and personalities. Quaritch, for example, comes off as a bit too one-dimensional in his aggression and desire for profit.

3. Emotional stakes: The scene could benefit from more emphasis on the emotional stakes for Jake. He's been tasked with convincing an entire group of people to leave their home, and while he's understandably overwhelmed, there could be more weight given to the gravity of the situation.

Overall, this scene effectively sets up the conflict for the rest of the story and provides necessary exposition. With a bit more attention to character development and emotional stakes, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively establishes the conflict between the humans and the Na'vi. However, here are a few suggestions for improvement:

- Show, don't tell: Some of the dialogue in this scene is heavy-handed and exposition-heavy, with characters simply stating information that the audience needs to know. For example, Selfridge explaining the situation with the unobtanium-rich deposit feels too forced. Instead, consider finding a way to show this information visually or through character actions, rather than through dialogue.
- More nuance in character: While Quaritch is clearly set up as the antagonist, Selfridge feels a bit one-dimensional as the greedy corporate executive willing to resort to violence to make a profit. Consider giving him some more complexity or shades of gray, so that he's not just a caricature of corporate greed.
- More visual description: Screenplays are a visual medium, so it's important to give the reader a sense of what they're seeing on screen beyond just dialogue and character actions. In this scene, describe the OPS Center and the bio lab in more detail, as well as the Hometree and the surrounding Na'vi village. This will help the reader envision the world of the film more fully.



Scene 19 - Horseback Riding Lessons and Planning
EXT. RIVER NEAR HOMETREE - DAY

JAKE nervously grips the surcingle of the mare. Neytiri holds
its nose-ring while Jake clumsily mounts.

Jake bends one of its ANTENNAE down to the tip of his queue.
He hesitantly touches them together and --
55.



TIGHT SHOT -- the tendrils INTERWEAVE.

Jake’s PUPILS DILATE and his mouth drops open. The horse’s
eyes also go wide and it HONKS nervously. Neytiri touches her
fingertips to the neural interface.

NEYTIRI
This is shahaylu -- the bond. Feel her
heartbeat, her breath. Feel her strong
legs.

Jake closes his eyes, nodding. One with the horse.

TSU’TEY and another young hunter come out of the forest
leading TWO DIREHORSES. The magnificent animals drink from
the edge of the pool. Tsu’tey watches Jake’s riding lesson
with disdain.

NEYTIRI
You may tell her what to do --
(she touches her head)
-- inside. For now, say where to go.

JAKE
Forward.

The horse LAUNCHES into a GALLOP. Jake flops around, with no
idea how to sit the animal, and is promptly THROWN OFF. He
lands painfully in the mud.

He gets up, brushing mud off knees and ass, as Neytiri leads
the horse back to him.

NEYTIRI
Again.

SERIES OF JUMP CUTS -- Jake falls off the horse in various
ways, seemingly landing harder each time.

ON JAKE, face down in the mud of the riverbank. He painfully
rises to hands and knees. Which is when he sees --

TSU’TEY and another HUNTER thundering across the shallow
river on their direhorses. Spray blasts up from their
hooves.

Jake stands, covered in mud, as Tsu’tey stops his horse next
to him, looking down with disdain.

TSU’TEY
You should go away.
56.



JAKE
(to Neytiri)
I knew this guy could speak English.

Tsu’tey turns to Neytiri, who is leading the old mare back.

TSU’TEY
(subtitled)
This alien will learn nothing. A rock
Sees more.

She sighs in agreement. Tsu’tey and the other hunter wheel
their horses around and THUNDER OFF into the woods.

NEYTIRI gestures to Jake’s horse.

NEYTIRI
Again.
CUT TO:

OPS CENTER - NIGHT

Grouped around a table are JAKE, COLONEL QUARITCH, SELFRIDGE
and few ENGINEERS and OFFICERS. Jake is talking them through
plans he’s made of Hometree’s inner structure.

JAKE
You’ve got outer columns, then a
secondary ring here, and an inner ring.
Then a core structure, it’s like a
spiral, that’s how they move up and down.

QUARITCH
I’m going to need accurate scans of all
these columns.

JAKE
Roger that.

ANGLE ON MAX, at the stairwell. He’s been watching Jake
talking rapidly to Quaritch, but can’t hear him. Frowning,
he backs away, down the stairs.
CUT TO:

INT. BIO LAB - DAY

JAKE, GRACE and NORM are packing science gear and supplies.

GRACE
I’m not about to let Quaritch and
Selfridge micro-manage this thing.
(she looks pointedly at Jake)
We’re going up into the mountains.
(MORE)
57.

GRACE (cont'd)
There’s a mobile link up at Site 26 that
we can work out of.

NORM
The Hallelujah Mountains?

GRACE
That’s right.

NORM
Yesssss!
(off Jake’s look)
The legendary Floating Mountains of
Pandora? Heard of them?
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Jake receives horseback riding lessons from Neytiri, while Tsu'tey shows disdain towards him. In the ops center, Jake presents plans of Hometree's inner structure to Quaritch and his team. In the bio lab, Grace, Jake, and Norm plan to work out of Site 26 in the Hallelujah Mountains.
Strengths "The scene establishes the relationship between Jake and Neytiri, while also showing Tsu'tey's animosity towards Jake. The planning scenes add depth to the plot and give insight into the characters' motivations."
Weaknesses "The horseback riding lessons may not be as engaging to some viewers. The dialogue in the planning scenes may be too technical for some."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 0