The apartment

Genres: drama, comedy, romance, Romantic



Summary "The Apartment" is a romantic comedy-drama that tells the story of Bud Baxter, a man who lends his apartment to his superiors for their extramarital affairs. Despite falling for coworker Fran Kubelik, who is having an affair with their boss, Bud saves her from an overdose and confesses his feelings to Mr. Sheldrake, earning a promotion. However, Bud ultimately realizes that the perks of his job are not worth sacrificing his morals and quits the company. In the end, Bud and Fran reconcile and play a game of gin rummy but Bud is still struggling with his inner turmoil.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story is a classic romantic comedy with elements of drama. The plot has a clear structure and is well-paced, but some subplots feel unnecessary and detract from the central story. There are also moments of contrivance that strain believability, such as the number of co-workers who use Bud's apartment. However, the chemistry between the lead actors and their performances elevate the material. The ending is satisfying and emotional.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, the subplots involving the co-workers could be streamlined to focus more on Bud and Fran's relationship. The conflicts between Bud and Sheldrake and Fran and Sheldrake could also be developed more to create a stronger sense of tension and stakes. Additionally, some of the dialogue could be tightened up and made more natural. Finally, the themes of loneliness and the dehumanizing nature of corporate culture could be explored in more depth to give the story more depth and resonance.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Satirical tone and witty narration
  • Clear character motivations
  • Tasteful romantic tension
  • Clever dialogue
  • Strong character development
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of conflict and emotional depth
  • Limited plot development
  • Slow-paced
  • Not much happens in terms of plot development.
  • Lack of intense conflict or suspense
Suggestions
  • Focus on increasing conflict throughout the screenplay to maintain audience engagement.
  • Continue developing characters, especially in scenes that do not have significant plot development.
  • Consider adding visual elements to showcase setting and enhance dialogue.
  • Rewrite cliched or predictable dialogue to increase the impact of scenes and enhance the emotional depth and believability of characters.
  • Be mindful of the pacing and narrative flow of scenes, ensuring that each scene either advances the plot or deepens character development.

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Dialogue 7.6  47 Shaun of the Dead: 7.5 get out: 7.6
Characters 7.9  20 Mind Hunter: 7.8 Knives Out: 7.9
Plot 7.5  13 As good as it gets: 7.4 get out: 7.5
Concept 7.3  9 There's something about Mary: 7.2 Erin Brokovich: 7.3
Overall 7.8  7 Clerks: 7.7 sense 8: 7.8
Emotional Impact 6.2  7 Community: 5.9 There's something about Mary: 6.2
Character Changes 4.6  5 What we do in the shadows: 4.2 The apartment: 4.6
Conflict Level 5.6  3 Black mirror 304: 5.1 The apartment: 5.6
Story Forward 6.4  2 Clerks: 5.7 The apartment: 6.4
High Stakes 4.4  2 Clerks: 3.8 The apartment: 4.4



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 The Apartment "satirical" 8 6 8 7 23234 7
2 The Love Nest "light-hearted" 8 7 7 7 46465 8
3 Kirkeby and Sylvia Exit "Tense" 8 7 8 8 25364 8
4 Bud's Late Night Clean Up "Light-hearted" 8 7 7 8 35364 9
5 The Doctor's Visit "Light-hearted" 6 7 6 6 35254 7
6 Bud's Nighttime Routine "Light-hearted" 7 7 6 7 24243 6
7 Late Night Visit "Comedic" 8 7 8 7 36575 8
8 Late-night rendezvous "Light-hearted" 9 8 9 9 46375 8
9 Elevator Rendezvous "Light-hearted" 8 7 6 8 34255 9
10 Office Chaos "light-hearted" 8 7 8 7 35375 8
11 Phone Calls and Rescheduling "Light-hearted" 7 7 7 6 34274 8
12 Office Romance "Lighthearted" 8 9 7 8 23374 9
13 Bud's Cold and Fran's Advice "Somber" 4 2 3 4 25232 3
14 Bud's Office Meeting with Sheldrake "Light-hearted" 7 8 7 7 56576 7
15 The Secret Rendezvous "Tense" 9 7 9 8 68686 9
16 Missed Connection "somber" 7 8 7 7 56566 8
17 Showtime and Bonding "Light-hearted, enthusiastic" 8 7 8 9 34466 9
18 Fran and Sheldrake at the Chinese Restaurant "Melancholic" 8 8 7 9 66468 8
19 Past Love Rekindled "Intense, Emotional" 8 7 8 9 78889 9
20 End of an Era "Melancholic" 9 8 10 8 63287 8
21 Bud's Promotion and Sheldrake's Request for Second Key "Tense" 8 8 8 9 79787 8
22 Switchboard Shenanigans "Upbeat" 7 7 5 8 32253 6
23 Christmas Party "Light, upbeat, romantic" 8 8 7 9 45265 10
24 The Bowler Hat "Light-hearted and humorous with a tinge of sadness." 8.5 8 8 9 66777 9
25 The Office Christmas Party "Light-hearted" 8 7 8 8 34255 7
26 Bud and Margie at the Bar "Melancholic" 8 7 7 8 34247 9
27 Christmas Eve "Melancholy" 7 8 7 8 887710 7
28 Christmas Blues "Melancholic" 7 7 8 7 43356 8
29 Sleeping Pills "tense" 8 9 8 8 79899 7
30 Emergency at Bud's Apartment "Tense" 8 7 9 7 491098 6
31 Help arrives for Fran "serious" 8 8 7 8 65577 7
32 Reviving Fran "somber" 8 7 8 9 67779 7
33 Mrs. Lieberman confronts Bud "tense" 8 8 8 8 39257 7
34 Bud's Call for Help "Serious" 7 6 7 6 45566 7
35 Aftermath of an Overdose "Serious" 9 7 8 9 66577 8
36 Early Morning Coffee "Tense" 9 8 9 10 58687 8
37 Confrontation and Comfort "Serious" 9 8 9 9 67688 9
38 Fran's Confession "Melancholic" 8 7 7 9 44358 8
39 Fran's Confession "Heartfelt" 7 8 7 8 54357 6
40 Uninvited Guests "light-hearted" 8 8 8 7 36465 8
41 Bud's Promise "Melancholic" 9 8 9 9 77789 10
42 Sheldrake's Anteroom "Somber" 8 7 8 8 66889 7
43 Gas Leak Scare "tense" 8 7 9 6 28775 3
44 Bud Saves Miss Kubelik from Gas Poisoning "Light-hearted" 8 8 7 9 55366 9
45 Matuschka Visits Dobisch "Serious" 8 7 7 8 36476 8
46 Dinner for Two Interrupted "humorous, tense" 9 8 9 9 67778 8
47 Bud's Confession "Light and hopeful" 8 8 8 9 45576 8
48 The Deal "Tense" 7 6 7 8 68577 6
49 The Aftermath "Melancholic" 8.2 9 8 9 54366 9
50 The Resignation "Serious" 7 7 7 7 78686 7
51 Last Day in the Apartment "Melancholic" 7 8 6 7 32245 7
52 New Year's Eve Confessions "Hopeful" 8 7 8 9 95478 8
53 Reconciliation "Nostalgic, Bittersweet" 8 7 6 9 96687 8


Scene 1 - The Apartment
The Apartment
by
Billy Wilder
&
I.A.L. Diamond




Converted by D'Bear for pdfscreenplays.net
FADE IN:

A DESK COMPUTER

A man's hand is punching out a series of figures on the
keyboard.

BUD (V.O.)
On November first, 1959, the
population of New York City was if
you laid all these people end to
end, figuring an average height of
five feet six and a half inches,
they would reach from Times Square
to the outskirts of Karachi,
Pakistan. I know facts like this
because I work for an insurance
company --

THE INSURANCE BUILDING - A WET, FALL DAY

It's a big mother, covering a square block in lower
Manhattan, all glass and aluminum, jutting into the leaden
sky.

BUD (V.O.)
-- Consolidated Life of New York.
We are one of the top five
companies in the country -- last
year we wrote nine-point-three
billion dollars worth of policies.
Our home office has 31,259
employees -- which is more than the
entire population of Natchez,
Mississippi, of Gallup, New Mexico.

INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR

Acres of gray steel desk, gray steel filing cabinets, and
steel-gray faces under indirect light. One wall is lined
with glass-enclosed cubicles for the supervisory personnel.
It is all very neat, antiseptic, impersonal. The only human
tough is supplied by a bank of IBM machines, clacking away
cheerfully in the background.

BUD (V.O.)
I work on the nineteenth floor --
Ordinary Policy Department -
Premium Accounting Division -
Section W -- desk number 861.




(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:

DESK 861

Like every other desk, it has a small name plate attached to
the side. This one reads C.C. BAXTER.

BUD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My name is C.C. Baxter - C. for
Calvin, C. for Clifford -- however,
most people call me Bud. I've been
with Consolidated Life for three
years and ten months. I started in
the branch office in Cincinnati,
then transferred to New York. My
take-home pay is $94.70 a week, and
there are the usual fringe
benefits.

BAXTER is about thirty, serious, hard-working, unobtrusive.
He wears a Brooks Brothers type suit, which he bought
somewhere on Seventh Avenue, upstairs. There is a stack of
perforated premium cards in front of him, and he is totaling
them on the computing machine. He looks off.

ELECTRIC WALL CLOCK

It shows 5:19. With a click, the minute hand jumps to 5:20,
and a piercing bell goes off.

BUD (V.O.)
The hours in our department are to
5:20 --

FULL SHOT - OFFICE

Instantly all work stops. Papers are being put away,
typewriters and computing machines are covered, and everybody
starts clearing out. Within ten seconds, the place is empty -
- except for Bud Baxter, still bent over his work, marooned
in a sea of abandoned desks.

BUD (V.O.)
-- they're staggered by floors, so
that sixteen elevators can handle
the 31,259 employees without a
serious traffic jam. As for
myself, I very often stay on at the
office and work for an extra hour
or two -- especially when the
weather is bad. It's not that I'm
overly ambitious -- it's just a way
of killing time, until it's all
right for me to go home.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
BUD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
You see, I have this little problem
with my apartment --

DISSOLVE TO:

STREET IN THE WEST SIXTIES - EVENING

Bud, wearing a weather-beaten Ivy League raincoat and a
narrow-brimmed brown hat, comes walking slowly down the
street skirting the puddles on the sidewalk. He stops in
front of a converted brownstone, looks up.

BUD (V.O.)
I live in the West Sixties - just
half a block from Central Park. My
rent is $84 a month. It used to be
eighty until last July when Mrs.
Lieberman, the landlady, put in a
second-hand air conditioning unit.

The windows on the second floor are lit, but the shades are
drawn. From inside drifts the sound of cha cha music.

BUD (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It's a real nice apartment -
nothing fancy -- but kind of cozy --
just right for a bachelor. The only
problem is - I can't always get in
when I want to.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Bud Baxter is a hard-working insurance employee who lives in a cozy apartment in the West Sixties. He has a little problem with his apartment and has to stay at work until it's safe to go home.
Strengths "Satirical tone and witty narration"
Weaknesses "Lack of conflict and emotional depth."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 3

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is a strong opening for the film, The Apartment. The use of voiceover narration offers a clear introduction to the protagonist, Bud Baxter, and his job at an insurance company. The contrast between the bustling New York City streets and the sterile office environment works to create a sense of isolation for Baxter, further emphasized by his commitment to working overtime just to pass the time.

The description of Baxter's apartment adds another layer to his character, showcasing his practical nature and modest lifestyle. The scene effectively establishes the setting and tone of the film, setting up potential conflicts to come in Baxter's life. Overall, the scene is well written, concise, and engaging, setting up the story and character effectively.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and sets up the protagonist and his world nicely. However, a few suggestions to improve the scene could be:

- Consider tightening up some of the narration. For example, in the first few lines, it might be more concise to say "On November 1, 1959, the population of New York City was [...]". This would help keep the pacing of the scene moving quickly.
- Consider adding more visual description to the office setting. Currently, the setting is described mostly through dialogue, so some more details about the environment would help the audience visualize it better.
- To add more tension, consider having some other characters in the office notice Bud working late and making comments or judgments about it. This could add more conflict to his internal struggle with loneliness and boredom.
- Consider having some visual cues to show Bud's frustration about not being able to get into his apartment. For example, showing him trying and failing to open the door, or showing him pacing in front of the building. This would add more visual interest to the scene and show more of Bud's character.



Scene 2 - The Love Nest
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING

What used to be the upstairs parlor of a one-family house in
the early 1900's has been chopped up into living room,
bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. The wallpaper is faded, the
carpets are threadbare, and the upholstered furniture could
stand shampooing.

There are lots of books, a record player, stacks of records,
a television set (21 inches and 24 payments), unframed prints
from the Museum of Modern Art (Picasso, Braque, Klee) tacked
up on the walls. Only one lamp is lit, for mood, and a cha
cha record is spinning around on the phonograph.

On the coffee table in front of the couch are a couple of
cocktail glasses, a pitcher with some martini dregs, an
almost empty bottle of vodka, a soup bowl with a few melting
ice cubes at the bottom, some potato chips, an ashtray filled
with cigar stubs and lipstick-stained cigarette butts, and a
woman's handbag.




(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:

MR. KIRKEBY, a dapper, middle-aged man, stands in front of
the mirror above the fake fireplace, buttoning up his vest.
He does not notice that the buttons are out of alignment.

KIRKEBY
(calling off)
Come on, Sylvia. It's getting
late.

SYLVIA, a first baseman of a dame, redheaded and saftig,
comes cha cha-ing into the room, trying to fasten a necklace
as she hums along with the music. She dances amorously up to
Kirkeby.

KIRKEBY (CONT’D)
Cut it out, Sylvia. We got to get
out of here.

He helps her with the necklace, then turns off the
phonograph.

SYLVIA
What's the panic? I'm going to
have another martooni.

She crosses to the coffee table, starts to pour the remnants
of the vodka into the pitcher.

KIRKEBY
Please, Sylvia! It's a quarter to
nine!

SYLVIA
(dropping slivers of ice
into the pitcher)
First you can't wait to get me up
here, and now -- rush, rush, rush!
Makes a person feel cheap.

KIRKEBY
Sylvia -- sweetie -- it's not that -
- but I promised the guy I'd be out
of here by eight o'clock,
positively.

SYLVIA
(pouring martini)
What guy? Whose apartment is this,
anyway?




(CONTINUED)
5.
CONTINUED: (2)

KIRKEBY
(exasperated)
What's the difference? Some
schnook that works in the office.

EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - EVENING

Bud is pacing back and forth, throwing an occasional glance
at the lit windows of his apartment. A middle-aged woman
with a dog on a leash approaches along the sidewalk. She is
MRS. LIEBERMAN, the dog is a Scottie, and they are both
wearing raincoats. Seeing them, Bud leans casually against
the stoop.

MRS. LIEBERMAN
Good evening, Mr. Baxter.

BUD
Good evening, Mrs. Lieberman.

MRS. LIEBERMAN
Some weather we're having. Must be
from all the meshugass at Cape
Canaveral.
(she is half-way up the
steps)
You locked out of your apartment?

BUD
No, no. Just waiting for a friend.
Good night, Mrs. Lieberman.

MRS. LIEBERMAN
Good night, Mr. Baxter.

She and the Scottie disappear into the house. Bud resumes
pacing, his eyes on the apartment windows. Suddenly he stops
-- the lights have gone out.

INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING

Kirkeby, in coat and hat, stands in the open doorway of the
darkened apartment.

KIRKEBY
Come on -- come on, Sylvia!

Sylvia comes cha cha-ing out, wearing an imitation Persian
lamb coat, her hat askew on her head, bag, gloves, and an
umbrella in her hand.




(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:

SYLVIA
Some setup you got here. A real,
honest-to-goodness love nest.

KIRKEBY
Sssssh.

He locks the door, slips the key under the doormat.

SYLVIA
(still cha cha-ing)
You're one button off, Mr. Kirkeby.

She points to his exposed vest. Kirkeby looks down, sees
that the buttons are out of line. He starts to rebutton them
as they move down the narrow, dimly-lit stairs.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
You got to watch those things.
Wives are getting smarter all the
time. Take Mr. Bernheim -- in the
Claims Department -- came home one
night with lipstick on his shirt --
told his wife he had a shrimp
cocktail for lunch -- so she took
it out to the lab and had it
analyzed -- so now she has the
house in Great Neck and the
children and the new Jaguar --

KIRKEBY
Don't you ever stop talking?
Genres: ["comedy","romance","drama"]

Summary Kirkeby and Sylvia, having just finished a rendezvous at Bud's apartment, race to leave before Bud returns. Meanwhile, Bud paces outside, waiting for his apartment to clear so that he can return.
Strengths "The scene has a great sense of humor and is carried by the witty dialogue between Kirkeby and Sylvia. The setting and details help to develop the tone and genre."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and setting up character relationships for later in the story."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of setting the stage and establishing character through dialogue and action. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

1. Description: While the scene sets the stage well with descriptions of the apartment and its contents, there is little description of the characters themselves. Including a few more details about their appearance and demeanor could help bring the scene to life even more.

2. Dialogue: The dialogue feels a bit stilted at times, particularly in Kirkeby's expository line about the "schnook that works in the office." This could be rephrased in a more natural way to make it feel less forced.

3. Pacing: While there is some tension between Kirkeby and Sylvia about leaving the apartment on time, the scene could benefit from a bit more urgency and momentum. Perhaps there could be a more immediate threat or deadline looming to ramp up the stakes.

Overall, this scene is a solid start and could be improved with a bit more attention to detail and pacing.
Suggestions One possible suggestion to improve this scene is to create more tension and conflict between the characters. Right now, it all feels too casual and lacking in stakes. Perhaps there could be more urgency in Kirkeby's need to leave, and more resistance from Sylvia. Additionally, there could be more clues or hints about why Kirkeby needs to leave so quickly, adding a layer of mystery or intrigue to the scene. Another suggestion could be to use more dynamic visuals and cinematography to make the scene visually interesting and engaging. For example, using close-up shots of the characters' faces or using interesting camera angles to create a sense of unease or tension. Finally, there could be more attention paid to developing the characters and their relationships, giving the audience more reason to care about their interactions and conflicts.



Scene 3 - Kirkeby and Sylvia Exit
EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - EVENING

Bud, standing on the sidewalk, sees the front door start to
open. He moves quickly into the areaway, almost bumping into
the ashcans, stands in the shadow of the stoop with his back
turned discreetly toward Kirkeby and Sylvia as they come down
the steps.

KIRKEBY
Where do you live?

SYLVIA
I told you -- with my mother.

KIRKEBY
Where does she live?

SYLVIA
A hundred and seventy-ninth street -
- the Bronx.


(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:

KIRKEBY
All right -- I'll take you to the
subway.

SYLVIA
Like hell you will. You'll buy me
a cab.

KIRKEBY
Why do all you dames have to live
in the Bronx?

SYLVIA
You mean you bring other girls up
here?

KIRKEBY
Certainly not. I'm a happily
married man.

They move down the street. Bud appears from the areaway,
glances after them, then mounts the steps, goes through the
front door.

INT. VESTIBULE - EVENING

There are eight mailboxes. Bud opens his, takes out a
magazine in a paper wrapper and a few letters, proceeds up
the staircase.

INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING

Bud, glancing through his mail, comes up to the door of his
apartment. As he bends down to lift the doormat, the door of
the rear apartment opens and MRS. DREYFUSS, a jovial well-fed
middle-aged woman, puts out a receptacle full of old papers
and empty cans. Bud looks around from his bent position.

BUD
Oh. Hello there, Mrs. Dreyfuss.

MRS. DREYFUSS
Something the matter?

BUD
I seem to have dropped my key.
(faking a little search)
Oh -- here it is.

He slides it out from under the mat, straightens up.




(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:

MRS. DREYFUSS
Such a racket I heard in your place
-- maybe you had burglars.

BUD
Oh, you don't have to worry about
that -- nothing in there that
anybody would want to steal...
(unlocking door quickly)
Good night, Mrs. Dreyfuss.

He ducks into the apartment.
Genres: ["drama","romance","comedy"]

Summary Bud Baxter waits outside his apartment as Kirkeby and Sylvia leave after a rendezvous. Bud goes inside and encounters his talkative neighbor, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and adds to the plot development. The tension in Bud waiting for his apartment to be cleared creates suspense for the viewer."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have a significant impact on the overall story. The emotional impact and character changes are minimal."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene has a few issues that could be addressed to make it stronger and more engaging for audiences. Firstly, there is a lack of clear stakes or conflict - it's not immediately clear why we should care about Bud or what he's trying to achieve. A clearer sense of motivation would help to draw the audience in and make them invested in the scene.

Additionally, the dialogue is a bit flat and lacking in subtext. There's no real tension or subtext to Kirkeby and Sylvia's conversation, and the dialogue between Bud and Mrs. Dreyfuss feels a bit forced and unnatural.

Finally, the scene could benefit from more visual and sensory details. As it's currently written, it's very focused on dialogue, which can make it feel a bit static and unengaging. More attention to setting, lighting, and other visual details could help to create a more immersive and dynamic scene.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Add more description: The scene lacks sensory details that can create a richer visual experience for the reader. Consider describing the smell of the ashcans that Bud almost bumps into, the sound of Kirkeby and Sylvia's footsteps as they move down the street, or the texture of the magazine and letters Bud takes from his mailbox.

2. Introduce the protagonist earlier: Bud is the main character, but he doesn't appear until halfway through the scene. To establish him as the protagonist, consider starting the scene with him watching Kirkeby and Sylvia from across the street, or having him interact with Mrs. Dreyfuss before Kirkeby and Sylvia walk by.

3. Add conflict: The conversation between Kirkeby and Sylvia is straightforward and doesn't reveal much about their characters or the story. Consider adding tension or conflict that can reveal more about their personalities and their relationship. For example, maybe Sylvia is angry with Kirkeby for ignoring her all night, or maybe Kirkeby is trying to convince her to come back to his apartment.

4. Establish setting: The scene takes place outside a brownstone house and in Bud's apartment, but there is no description of the surroundings or the building itself. To give the scene a stronger sense of place, consider describing the architecture of the brownstone or the decor of Bud's apartment.

5. End on a stronger note: The scene ends suddenly with Bud entering his apartment, but there is no sense of closure or resolution. Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a revelation that can propel the story forward. For example, maybe Bud sees something suspicious in his apartment or overhears a conversation in the hallway.



Scene 4 - Bud's Late Night Clean Up
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING

Bud snaps on the lights, drops the mail and the key on a
small table, looks around with distaste at the mess his
visitors have left behind. He sniffs the stale air, crosses
to the window, pulls up the shade, opens it wide.

Now he takes off his hat and raincoat, gathers up the remains
of the cocktail party from the coffee table. Loaded down
with glasses, pitcher, empty vodka bottle, ice bowl and
potato chips, he starts toward the kitchen.

The doorbell rings. Bud stops, undecided what to do with the
stuff in his hands, then crosses to the hall door, barely
manages to get it open. Mr. Kirkeby barges in past him.

KIRKEBY
The little lady forgot her
galoshes.

He scours the room for the missing galoshes.

BUD
Mr. Kirkeby, I don't like to
complain -- but you were supposed
to be out of here by eight.

KIRKEBY
I know, Buddy-boy, I know. But
those things don't always run on
schedule -- like a Greyhound bus.

BUD
I don't mind in the summer -- but
on a rainy night -- and I haven't
had any dinner yet --




(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:

KIRKEBY
Sure, sure. Look, kid -- I put in
a good word for you with Sheldrake,
in Personnel.

BUD
(perking up)
Mr. Sheldrake?

KIRKEBY
That's right. We were discussing
our department -- manpower-wise --
and promotion-wise --
(finds the galoshes behind
a chair)
-- and I told him what a bright boy
you were. They're always on the
lookout for young executives.

BUD
Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby.

KIRKEBY
(starting toward door)
You're on your way up, Buddy-boy.
And you're practically out of
liquor.

BUD
I know. Mr. Eichelberger -- in the
Mortgage Loan Department -- last
night he had a little Halloween
party here --

KIRKEBY
Well, lay in some vodka and some
vermouth -- and put my name on it.

BUD
Yes, Mr. Kirkeby. You still owe me
for the last two bottles --

KIRKEBY
I'll pay you on Friday.
(in the open doorwaY)
And whatever happened to those
little cheese crackers you used to
have around?

He exits, shutting the door.




(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED: (2)

BUD
(making a mental note)
Cheese crackers.

He carries his load into the kitchen. The kitchen is minute
and cluttered. On the drainboard are an empty vermouth
bottle, some ice-cube trays, a jar with one olive in it, and
a crumpled potato-chip bag. Bud comes in, dumps his load on
the drainboard, opens the old-fashioned refrigerator. He
takes out a frozen chicken dinner, turns the oven on, lights
it with a match, rips the protective paper off the aluminum
tray and shoves it in. Now he starts to clean up the mess on
the drainboard.

He rinses the cocktail glasses, is about to empty the martini
pitcher into the sink, thinks better of it. He pours the
contents into a glass, plops the lone olive out of the jar,
scoops up the last handful of potato chips, toasts an
imaginary companion, and drinks up.

Then he pulls a wastebasket from under the sink. It is
brimful of liquor bottles, and Bud adds the empty vodka and
vermouth bottles and the olive jar. Picking up the heavy
receptacle, he carries it through the living room toward the
hall door.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Bud is finally able to return to his apartment after Kirkeby and Sylvia's rendezvous. He starts cleaning up the mess that's left behind before Mr. Kirkeby barges in to get his galoshes and offer career advice.
Strengths "The comedic dialogue between Bud and Kirkeby is light and entertaining. The mess left behind in the apartment creates a relatable situation for viewers."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have high stakes or much emotional impact. There is also not much action or plot development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively establishes the character of Bud as a responsible and tidy person who is weighed down by the unexpected appearance of his boss and the mess of a recent party. The dialogue is natural and reveals information about Bud's job and aspirations.

One potential critique is that the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to give a stronger sense of the space and the objects within it. For example, instead of simply saying "The kitchen is minute and cluttered," the writer could describe the cramped counters, overflowing cabinets, and piles of dirty dishes that Bud must navigate. This would both add detail to the scene and reinforce Bud's frustration at the chaos in his home.

Additionally, while the dialogue between Bud and Kirkeby is well-written, it may be a bit too expository. The conversation is clearly designed to reveal information about Bud's job prospects and his relationship with his boss, but it could be more subtle in its delivery. For example, instead of having Kirkeby explicitly mention that he put in a good word with Sheldrake, he could make a passing comment about Bud being a smart guy, and later Bud could receive a phone call from Sheldrake congratulating him on his recent work. This would still convey the same information, but in a less forced way.

Overall, this scene effectively establishes the characters and their relationships, but could benefit from more detailed descriptions and subtler dialogue.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. More Action: The scene has a lot of dialogue and not much action. Consider adding more movement and physical actions to make it visually engaging. For example, instead of just stating that Bud "starts to clean up the mess," show him doing it. Add more detail about how he does it, which can reveal more about his character.

2. Character Development: This scene is an opportunity to reveal more about Bud's character. Consider adding more about his personality, habits, and quirks. This will help the audience form a stronger connection with him and care about what happens to him.

3. Theme: Every scene should contribute to the overall theme of the movie. This scene should tie into the theme in some way. Consider how this scene can add depth to the story and support the overall theme.

4. Setting: The setting of the scene is not described in much detail. Consider adding more to the description of the apartment to better immerse the audience in the story.

5. Conflict: Every scene needs some kind of conflict. This scene has some conflict between Bud and Mr. Kirkeby, but it could be heightened and made more intense. Add more tension to the scene to make it more engaging.



Scene 5 - The Doctor's Visit
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - EVENING

The door of Bud's apartment opens, and Bud comes out with the
wastebasket full of empty bottles. Just then, DR. DAVID
DREYFUSS, whose wife we met earlier, comes trudging up the
stairs. He is a tall, heavy-set man of fifty, with a bushy
mustache, wearing a bulky overcoat and carrying an aged
medical bag.

DR. DREYFUSS
Good evening, Baxter.

BUD
Hi, Doc. Had a late call?

DR. DREYFUSS
Yeah. Some clown at Schrafft's
Street ate a club sandwich, and
forgot to take out the toothpick.

BUD
Oh.
(sets down wastebasket)
'Bye, Doc.




(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:

DR. DREYFUSS
(indicating bottles)
Say, Baxter -- the way you're
belting that stuff, you must have a
pair of cast-iron kidneys.

BUD
Oh, that's not me. It's just that
once in a while, I have some people
in for a drink.

DR. DREYFUSS
As a matter of fact, you must be an
iron man all around. From what I
hear through the walls, you got
something going for you every
night.

BUD
I'm sorry if it gets noisy --

DR. DREYFUSS
Sometimes, there's a twi-night
double-header.
(shaking his head)
A nebbish like you!

BUD
(uncomfortable)
Yeah. Well -- see you, Doc.
(starts to back through
door)

DR. DREYFUSS
You know, Baxter -- I'm doing some
research at the Columbia Medical
Center -- and I wonder if you could
do us a favor?

BUD
Me?

DR. DREYFUSS
When you make out your will -- and
the way you're going, you should --
would you mind leaving your body to
the University?

BUD
My body? I'm afraid you guys would
be disappointed. Good night, Doc.




(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED: (2)

DR. DREYFUSS
Slow down, kid.

He starts into the rear apartment as Bud closes the door.
Genres: ["comedy"]

Summary Bud encounters his talkative neighbor, Dr. Dreyfuss, who makes a request for Bud's body in his will for research purposes.
Strengths "The scene highlights Bud's friendly relationship with his neighbor and adds a bit of comedy with the request for Bud's body for research."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't bring much conflict or emotional impact and doesn't move the plot forward significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 6


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 6

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene is well written, with clear dialogue and good characterization. However, the pacing could be improved. The conversation between Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss feels a little too drawn out and doesn't really move the story forward. Additionally, the tension between the two characters is not entirely clear, making their interactions seem somewhat disconnected from the rest of the story. Nevertheless, the scene serves its purpose in establishing Bud's character and relationship with Dr. Dreyfuss.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more action or movement: This scene mostly consists of dialogue between Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss. To make it more engaging, try to incorporate some action or movement. For example, Bud could be carrying the wastebasket and trying to balance it while talking to the doctor.

2. Increase tension or conflict: There is some tension between Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss because of the noise coming from Bud's apartment. Try to raise the stakes by adding more conflict or tension between them, perhaps through a disagreement about the noise or an argument about Bud's lifestyle.

3. Give more information about the characters: While we do learn some details about Bud and Dr. Dreyfuss, it would be helpful to have more information about them. For example, why is Dr. Dreyfuss interested in doing research at Columbia Medical Center? What is Bud's job or occupation? Adding more background information can help make the characters more fully fleshed out.

4. Make the conversation more natural: While the dialogue between the characters is well-written, it doesn't always feel entirely naturalistic. Try to make the conversation flow a bit more like a real conversation, with interruptions, pauses, and hesitations. This can help make the scene feel more realistic and less staged.



Scene 6 - Bud's Nighttime Routine
INT. THE APARTMENT - EVENING

Bud, loosening his tie, goes into the kitchen, opens the
oven, turns off the gas. He takes a coke out of the
refrigerator, uncaps it, gets a knife and fork from a drawer,
and using his handkerchief as a potholder, pulls the hot
aluminum tray out of the oven. He carries everything out
into the living room. In the living room, Bud sets his dinner
down on the coffee table, settles himself on the couch.

He rears up as something stabs him, reaches under his
buttocks, pulls out a hairpin. He drops it into an ashtray,
tackles his dinner. Without even looking, he reaches over to
the end table and presses the remote TV station-selector.

He takes a sip from the coke bottle, his eyes on the TV
screen across the room. The picture on the TV set jells
quickly. Against a background of crisscrossing searchlights,
a pompous announcer is making his spiel.

ANNOUNCER
-- from the world's greatest
library of film classics, we
proudly present --
(fanfare)
Greta Garbo -- John Barrymore --
Joan Crawford -- Wallace Beery --
and Lionel Barrymore in --
(fanfare)

GRAND HOTEL!

There is an extended fanfare. Bud leans forward, chewing
excitedly on a chicken leg.

ANNOUNCER
But first, a word from our sponsor.
If you smoke the modern way, don't
be fooled by phony filter claims --


Bud, still eating, automatically reaches for the station-
selector, pushes the button. A new channel pops on. It
features a Western -- Cockamamie Indians are attacking a
stagecoach. That's not for Bud.

He switches to another station. In a frontier saloon, Gower
Street cowboys are dismantling the furniture and each other.


(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED:

Bud wearily changes channels. But he can't get away from
Westerns -- on this station, the U.S. Cavalry is riding to
the rescue. Will they get there in time? Bud doesn't wait to
find out.

He switches channels again, and is back where he started. On
the screen, once more, is the announcer standing in front of
the crisscrossing searchlights.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
And now, Grand Hotel -- starring
Greta Garbo, John Barrymore, Joan
Crawford --
(Bud is all eyes and ears
again)
-- Wallace Beery, and Lionel
Barrymore. But first -- a word
from our alternate sponsor.
(unctuously)
Friends, do you have wobbly
dentures -- ?

That does it. Bud turns the set off in disgust. The TV
screen blacks out, except for a small pinpoint of light in
the center, which gradually fades away.

In the bathroom, Bud, in pajamas by now, is brushing his
teeth. From the shower rod hang three pairs of socks on
stretchers. Bud takes a vial from the medicine shelf, shakes
out a sleeping pill, washes it down with a glass of water.
He turns the light off, walks into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, the single bed is made, and the lamp on the
night table is on. Bud plugs in the electric blanket, turns
the dial on. Then he climbs into bed, props up the pillow
behind him. From the night table, he picks up the magazine
that arrived in the mail, slides it out of the wrapper, opens
it.

It's the new issue of PLAYBOY. Bud leafs through it till he
comes to the piece de resistance of the magazine. He unfolds
the overleaf, glances at it casually, refolds it, then turns
to the back of the magazine and starts to read.

What he is so avidly interested in is the men's fashion
section. There is a layout titled WHAT THE YOUNG EXECUTIVE
WILL WEAR with a sub-head reading The Bowler is Back.

Illustrating the article are several photographs of male
models wearing various styles of bowlers. Bud is definitely
in the market for a bowler, but somehow his mind starts
wandering.



(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED: (2)

He turns back to the overleaf again, unfolds it, studies it,
then holds the magazine up vertically to get a different
perspective on the subject. By now the sleeping pill is
beginning to take effect, and he yawns.

He drops the magazine on the floor, kills the light, settles
down to sleep. The room is dark except for the glow from the
dial of the electric blanket. Three seconds.

Then the phone jangles shrilly in the living room. Bud
stumbles groggily out of bed, and putting on his slippers,
makes his way into the living room. He switches on the
light, picks up the phone.

BUD
Hello? -- Hello? -- yes, this is
Baxter.

INT. PHONE BOOTH IN A MANHATTAN BAR - NIGHT

On the night is a hearty man of about forty-five, nothing gut
personality, most of it obnoxious. His name is DOBISCH.
Outside the booth is a blonde babe, slightly boozed, and
beyond there is a suggestion of the packed, smoky joint.

DOBISCH
Hiya, Buddy-boy. I'm in this bar
on Sixty-first Street -- and I got
to thinking about you -- and I
figured I'd give you a little buzz.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Well, that's very nice of you --
but who is this?

INT. PHONE BOOTH

DOBISCH
Dobisch -- Joe Dobisch, in
Administration.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
(snapping to attention)
Oh, yes, Mr. Dobisch. I didn't
recognize your voice --
15.


INT. PHONE BOOTH

DOBISCH
That's okay, Buddy-boy. Now like I
was saying, I'm in this joint on
Sixty-first -- and I think I got
lucky --
(glances toward blonde)
-- she's a skater with the Ice Show
(he chuckles)
-- and I thought maybe I could
bring her up for a quiet drink.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
I'm sorry, Mr. Dobisch. You know I
like to help you guys out -- but
it's sort of late -- so why don't
we make it some other time?
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Bud Baxter goes about his nightly routine after Kirkeby and Sylvia leave, only to be interrupted by Joe Dobisch calling him from a bar and asking for a favor.
Strengths "The scene establishes Bud's routine and shows his polite and helpful nature when he declines Dobisch's favor. The use of the TV playing Grand Hotel adds humor to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene is mostly exposition and doesn't add much to the main plot, except for establishing Bud's character. Dobisch's phone call feels like a forced way to add conflict."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 4

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 3

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys information about the protagonist's evening routine and personality. There are some elements, however, that may need improvement:

- The scene may benefit from more action and conflict. As it stands, Bud's evening is fairly uneventful until the phone call at the end. Adding more tension or obstacles for Bud to overcome could make the scene more engaging.
- The dialogue between Bud and Dobisch could be sharper and more distinct. The characters' voices don't have a lot of personality to differentiate them, which make the conversation feel a bit bland.
- The transition from Bud looking at the magazine to the phone ringing is somewhat abrupt and could use a smoother bridge. It's not immediately clear how much time has passed between Bud looking at the magazine and him being woken up by the phone.
- The use of camera directions (e.g. "Bud leans forward") is out of place in a screenplay. Those descriptions are the responsibility of the director and cinematographer, not the writer.

Overall, though, the scene does successfully establish the character of Bud and his daily routine in a clear and concise manner.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is quite well-written as it effectively conveys the mundane routine of Bud's evening. However, to improve it further, here are some suggestions:

1. Provide more context: It's unclear at this point in the script who Bud is and what his job is. Adding some exposition earlier on would help the audience to understand more about his character and motivation.

2. Create more tension: While the phone call from Dobisch provides some conflict, it does not create a sense of urgency or danger. Adding more tension or conflict earlier on in the scene would keep the audience engaged and interested.

3. Use visual cues: This scene is heavy on dialogue and description, so adding more visual cues would help to break it up and make it more interesting to watch. For example, showing Bud's facial expressions as he watches the TV or eats his dinner would help to convey his emotions without having him say anything.

4. Tie it into the broader story: While this scene gives us a glimpse into Bud's day-to-day life, it doesn't necessarily advance the overall plot. Finding ways to tie it into the broader story or theme of the film would help to make it more impactful.



Scene 7 - Late Night Visit
INT. PHONE BOOTH

DOBISCH
Buddy-boy -- she won't keep that
long -- not even on ice. Listen,
kid, I can't pass this up -- she
looks like Marilyn Monroe.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
I don't care if it is Marilyn
Monroe -- I'm already in bed -- and
I've taken a sleeping pill -- so
I'm afraid the answer is no.

INT. PHONE BOOTH

DOBISCH
(pulling rank)
Look, Baxter -- we're making out
the monthly efficiency rating --
and I'm putting you in the top ten.
Now you don't want to louse
yourself up, do you?

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Of course not. But -- how can I be
efficient in the office if I don't
get enough sleep at night?
16.


INT. PHONE BOOTH

DOBISCH
It's only eleven -- and I just want
the place for forty-five minutes.

The blonde opens the door of the phone booth, leans in.

BLONDE
I'm getting lonely. Who are you
talking to, anyway?

DOBISCH
My mother.

BLONDE
That's sweet. That's real sweet.

Dobisch shuts the door in her face.

DOBISCH
(into phone again)
Make it thirty minutes. What do
you say, Bud?

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
(a last stand)
I'm all out of liquor -- and
there's no clean glasses -- no
cheese crackers -- no nothing.

INT. PHONE BOOTH

DOBISCH
Let me worry about that. Just
leave the key under the mat and
clear out.

INT. THE APARTMENT

BUD
(into phone; resigned)
Yes, Mr. Dobisch.

He hangs up, shuffles back into the bedroom.

BUD (CONT’D)
(muttering to himself)
Anything you say, Mr. Dobisch -- no
trouble at all, Mr. Dobisch -- be
my guest --


(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED:

He reappears from the bedroom, pulling his trousers on over
his pajama pants.

BUD (CONT’D)
-- We never close at Buddy-boy's --
looks like Marilyn Monroe --
(he chuckles a la Dobisch)

Putting on his raincoat and hat, Bud opens the hall door,
takes the key from the table, shoves it under the doormat.
His eyes fall on the Dreyfuss apartment, and there is some
concern on his face. He picks up a pad and pencil from the
table, prints something in block letters.

Tearing off the top sheet, he impales it on the spindle of
the phonograph, then walks out, closing the door behind him.
The note reads: NOT TOO LOUD

THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING

EXT. BROWNSTONE HOUSE - NIGHT

Bud comes out the door, in slippered feet, pants and raincoat
over his pajamas. As he sleep-walks down the steps, a cab
pulls up in front of the house. Bud ducks discreetly into
the areaway.

Mr. Dobisch, bareheaded, emerges cautiously from the cab.
Between the fingers of his hands he is carrying four long-
stemmed glasses, brimful of stingers. The blonde steps out,
holding his hat.

BLONDE
This the place?

DOBISCH
Yeah.
(to cab driver)
How much?

CABBIE
Seventy cents.

Dobisch, his hands full of stingers, turns to the blonde,
indicates his pants pocket.

DOBISCH
Get the money, will you?

The blonde plants the hat on top of his head, unbuttons his
overcoat, reaches into his pants pocket. As she does so, she
jogs his elbow.



(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED:

DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Watch those stingers!

The blonde has taken out Dobisch's money clip, with about a
hundred dollars in it.

DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Give him a buck.

The blonde peels a bill off, hands it to the cabbie, hangs on
to the rest of the roll just a second too long.

DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Now put it back, honey.
(she does)
Atta girl.

The cab drives off. Dobisch and the blonde start up the
steps to the house.

BLONDE
You sure this is a good idea?

DOBISCH
Can't think of a better one.

BLONDE
(holding door open for
him)
I mean - barging in on your mother -
- in the middle of the night?

DOBISCH
(edging past her with
stingers)
Don't worry about the old lady. One
squawk from her, and she's out of a
job.

In the areaway, Bud has overheard them, and it doesn't make
him any happier. He steps out on the sidewalk, shuffles down
the street.
Genres: []

Summary Bud is interrupted in the middle of the night by Joe Dobisch, who asks to use his apartment for a rendezvous with a woman he claims looks like Marilyn Monroe. Bud reluctantly agrees, knowing it will mean sacrificing his own sleep.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and sprinkled with humor. The scene helps establish the film's tone of lightheartedness and sets up the main character's arc."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't provide much in the way of conflict or stakes. It also doesn't move the plot forward in any significant way."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effective in advancing the plot. The dialogue is natural and reveals the character's motivations and conflicts. The use of the phone booth adds a sense of urgency and secrecy to the conversation. The physical actions and movements of the characters also add to the tension and comedy of the scene.

That being said, the scene could benefit from some tightening and trimming of unnecessary lines. For example, Dobisch's line "Look, Baxter -- we're making out the monthly efficiency rating -- and I'm putting you in the top ten" could be shortened to "Baxter, you're in the top ten of the monthly efficiency rating. Don't mess it up now."

Additionally, while the blonde's presence and dialogue add some humor and tension, she could be better developed as a character instead of just a plot device.

Overall, the scene is well-crafted and engaging, but could benefit from some minor adjustments.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for this scene:

1. Tighten up the dialogue: The conversation between Dobisch and Bud drags a bit. Consider trimming down some of the exchanges to make the dialogue more concise and impactful.

2. Show, don't tell: When Bud says he's already in bed and has taken a sleeping pill, we don't get any sense of his exhaustion or reluctance to leave his apartment. Consider adding some physical actions or reactions that show us how tired he is.

3. Characterization: We don't know much about the blonde other than the fact that she's Dobisch's date. Consider adding some lines or actions that give her more personality and depth.

4. Setting the scene: As the scene progresses, it's hard to visualize where everyone is in the space. Consider adding some details that establish the layout of the phone booth and the surrounding area so that readers can better picture the action.

5. Emphasize emotional stakes: While there's some tension between Dobisch and Bud, it doesn't feel like there's a lot at stake. Consider adding some conflict or personal stakes that make the scene more high-stakes and engaging.



Scene 8 - Late-night rendezvous
INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT

The blonde and Dobisch, his hands full of stingers, come up
to Bud's door.

DOBISCH
Get the key, will you.

Automatically, she reaches into his pocket.



(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED:

DOBISCH (CONT’D)
Not there. Under the mat.

BLONDE
(puzzled)
Under the mat?
(picks up key)

DOBISCH
(impatiently)
Open up, open up -- we haven't got
all night.

The blonde unlocks the door to the apartment, opens it.

BLONDE
(suspiciously)
So this is your mother's apartment?

DOBISCH
That's right. Maria Ouspenskaya.

BLONDE
(sticking her head in)
Hiya, Ouspenskaya.

Dobisch nudges her inside with his knee, kicks the door shut
behind him. The landing is empty for a second. Then the
door of the rear apartment opens, and Dr. Dreyfuss, in a
beaten bathrobe, sets out a couple of empty milk bottles with
a note in them. Suddenly, from Bud's apartment, comes a
shrill female giggle. Dr. Dreyfuss reacts. Then the cha cha
music starts full blast.

DR. DREYFUSS
(calling to his wife, off-
screen)
Mildred -- he's at it again.

Shaking his head, he closes the door.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - NIGHT

Bud, in raincoat and slippered feet, turns in off the street,
plods along a path in the deserted park. He stops at a damp
bench under a lamp post, sits.

In the background, lights shine from the towering buildings
on Central Park South. Bud huddles inside his raincoat,
shivering. He is very sleepy by now.




(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:

His eyes close and his head droops. A gust of wind sends wet
leaves swirling across the bench. Bud doesn't stir. He is
all in.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. LOBBY INSURANCE BUILDING - DAY

It's a quarter to nine of a gray November morning, and work-
bound employees are piling in through the doors. Among them
is Bud, bundled up in a raincoat, hat, heavy muffler and wool
gloves, and carrying a box of Kleenex. He coughs, pulls out
a tissue, wipes his dripping nose. He has a bad cold. The
lobby is an imposing, marbled affair, as befits a company
which last year wrote 9.3 billion dollars worth of insurance.
There are sixteen elevators, eight of them marked LOCAL -
FLOORS 1-18, and opposite them eight marked EXPRESS - FLOORS
18-37. The starter, a uniformed Valkyrie wielding a clicker,
is directing the flow of traffic into the various elevators.
Bud joins the crowd in front of one of the express elevators.
Also standing there is Mr. Kirkeby, reading the Herald-
Tribune.

BUD
(hoarsely)
Good morning, Mr. Kirkeby.

KIRKEBY
(as if he just knew him
vaguely)
Oh, how are you, Baxter. They
keeping you busy these days?

BUD
Yes, sir. They are indeed.
(he sniffs)

The elevator doors open, revealing the operator. She is in
her middle twenties and her name is FRAN KUBELIK. Maybe it's
the way she's put together, maybe it's her face, or maybe
it's just the uniform -- in any case, there is something very
appealing about her. She is also an individualist -- she
wears a carnation in her lapel, which is strictly against
regulations. As the elevator loads, she greets the
passengers cheerfully.




(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:

FRAN
(rattling it off)
Morning, Mr. Kessel -- Morning,
Miss Robinson -- Morning, Mr.
Kirkeby -- Morning, Mr. Williams --
Morning, Miss Livingston --
Morning, Mr. McKellway -- Morning,
Mr. Pirelli -- Morning, Mrs.
Schubert --

Interspersed is an occasional "Morning, Miss Kubelik" from
the passengers.

FRAN (CONT’D)
Morning, Mr. Baxter.

BUD
Morning, Miss Kubelik.

He takes his hat off -- he is the only one. The express is
now loaded.

STARTER
(working the clicker)
That's all. Take it away.

FRAN
(shutting the door)
Watch the door, please. Blasting
off.
Genres: ["Romantic comedy"]

Summary Bud reluctantly allows Dobisch to use his apartment for a late-night rendezvous with a Marilyn Monroe-lookalike, while Dr. Dreyfuss sets out his milk bottles and notes Bud's late-night visitor. Bud later heads to work with a bad cold and encounters Fran Kubelik in the elevator.
Strengths "The scene establishes a sense of the protagonist's kindness and willingness to sacrifice for others, as well as setting up the romantic interest with Fran Kubelik. The dialogue is natural and humorous."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant conflict or emotional impact, and the plot doesn't move forward significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear action and dialogue. However, there are a few areas that could use improvement:

1. The scene transitions abruptly from the blonde and Dobisch entering Bud's apartment to Dr. Dreyfuss outside. There needs to be something to connect these two moments, such as a description of sound (e.g. the giggling fades as the door slams shut, and then we hear Dr. Dreyfuss' door opening).

2. The description of Fran Kubelik feels like it's trying too hard to convey her appeal. It would be more effective to show her in action and let the audience form their own opinions about her.

3. The dialogue between Kirkeby and Baxter feels stilted and forced. It would be more natural for them to have a more casual conversation, or for Kirkeby to just nod or wave in acknowledgement.

Overall, though, the scene effectively sets up the setting and characters, and leaves the audience with a sense of intrigue about what's to come.
Suggestions 1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: While we get a sense of the characters and their situation, the scene doesn't quite establish a clear purpose or conflict. It can benefit from a clearer reason for existing, either to advance the plot or to develop character.

2. Add more sensory details: The scene could benefit from more sensory details that immerse us in the environment and help us picture the characters more vividly. For example, we could describe the smell of the stingers the characters are carrying or the sound of the cha cha music coming from Bud's apartment.

3. Increase the stakes: Right now, there doesn't seem to be much at stake in the scene. Adding more tension, urgency, or danger can help keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene.

4. Simplify dialogue: Some of the dialogue feels overly explanatory and unrealistic. Simplifying it and making it more naturalistic can help make the characters feel more real and the dialogue more engaging.

5. Consider how the scene fits into the larger story: While each scene should be able to stand on its own, it's important to also consider how it fits into the larger story. This will help ensure that the scene is serving a purpose and help it connect more meaningfully to what comes before and after it.



Scene 9 - Elevator Rendezvous
INT. ELEVATOR

Bud is standing right next to Fran as the packed express
shoots up.

BUD
(studying her)
What did you do to your hair?

FRAN
It was making me nervous, so I
chopped it off. Big mistake, huh?

BUD
I sort of like it.

He sniffs, takes out a Kleenex, wipes his nose.

FRAN
Say, you got a lulu.




(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:

BUD
Yeah. I better not get too close.

FRAN
Oh, I never catch colds.

BUD
Really? I was looking at some
figures from the Sickness and
Accident Claims Division -- do you
know that the average New Yorker
between the ages of twenty and
fifty has two and a half colds a
year?

FRAN
That makes me feel just terrible.

BUD
Why?

FRAN
Well, to make the figures come out
even -- since I have no colds a
year -- some poor slob must have
five colds a year.

BUD
That's me.
(dabs his nose)

FRAN
You should have stayed in bed this
morning.

BUD
I should have stayed in bed last
night.

The elevator has slowed down, now stops. Fran opens the
door.

FRAN
Nineteen. Watch your step.

About a third of the passengers get out, including Bud and
Mr. Kirkeby. As Kirkeby passes Fran, he slaps her behind
with his folded newspaper. Fran jumps slightly.

FRAN (CONT’D)
(all in the day's work)
And watch your hand, Mr. Kirkeby!



(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED: (2)

KIRKEBY
(innocently)
I beg your pardon?

FRAN
One of these days I'm going to shut
those doors on you and --

She withdraws her hand into the sleeve of her uniform, and
waves the "amputated" arm at him.

FRAN (CONT’D)
Twenty next.

The doors close.

INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY

Kirkeby turns away from the elevator, and grinning smugly,
falls in beside Bud.

KIRKEBY
That Kubelik -- boy! Would I like
to get her on a slow elevator to
China.

BUD
Oh, yes. She's the best operator
in the building.

KIRKEBY
I'm a pretty good operator myself --
but she just won't give me a tumble
-- date-wise.

BUD
Maybe you're using the wrong
approach.

KIRKEBY
A lot of guys around here have
tried it -- all kinds of approaches
-- no dice. What is she trying to
prove?

BUD
Could be she's just a nice,
respectable girl -- there are
millions of them.

KIRKEBY
Listen to him. Little Lord
Fauntleroy!


(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED:

Leaving Bud at the employees' coat-racks, Kirkeby heads
toward his office, one of the glass-enclosed cubicles. Bud
hangs up his hat and raincoat, stows away the gloves and
muffler.

Out of his coat pocket he takes a plastic anti- histamine
sprayer and a box of cough drops, and still carrying the
Kleenex, threads his way to his desk. Most of the desks are
already occupied, and the others are filling rapidly. Once
seated at his desk, Bud arranges his medicaments neatly in
front of him.

He takes a Kleenex out of the box, blows his nose, then
leaning back in his swivel chair sprays first one nostril,
then the other. Suddenly the piercing bell goes off -- the
workday has begun.

Being the ultra-conscientious type, Bud instantly sits
upright in his chair, removes the cover from his computing
machine, picks up a batch of perforated premium cards, starts
entering figures on his computer. After a few seconds, he
glances around to make sure that everybody in the vicinity is
busy. Then he looks up a number in the company telephone
directory, dials furtively.

BUD
(cupping hand over phone
mouthpiece)
Hello, Mr. Dobisch? This is Baxter,
on the nineteenth floor.
Genres: ["Romance","Comedy"]

Summary Bud encounters Fran in the elevator and they discuss his cold, while Mr. Kirkeby makes advances towards Fran. After they exit the elevator, Kirkeby talks to Bud about his unsuccessful attempts to date Fran. Bud then goes about his workday with a cold and makes a sneaky phone call.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and engaging, developing both character and relationships in a subtle but effective way."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't have much plot development or high stakes, and the conflict between Kirkeby and Fran feels a bit superficial."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene seems to serve more as an introduction to the characters and their personalities than as a driving force in the plot. While it is important to establish the dynamics between Bud, Fran, and Kirkeby, this scene could benefit from a bit more action or conflict to drive the story forward. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit too on-the-nose, with characters explicitly discussing their personalities and motives. A bit more subtlety could go a long way in allowing the characters' actions and interactions to speak for themselves.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more action and movement to the scene to make it more visually interesting. For example, instead of just standing in the elevator, perhaps Bud and Fran could be jostled around as the elevator stops and starts, or there could be some kind of emergency that adds tension to the scene.

Additionally, some of the dialogue feels a bit forced and could be revised to sound more natural. For example, when Bud says "Little Lord Fauntleroy!" it feels like an excessive and outdated insult.

Finally, there could be more hints of the characters' personalities and motivations. We know that Kirkeby is interested in Fran but we don't know much about why he finds her attractive or what kind of person he is beyond his interest in her. Similarly, we don't know much about Fran beyond the fact that she's a competent elevator operator and seems to enjoy teasing Kirkeby. Adding more depth to the characters would make the scene more engaging and help drive the plot forward.



Scene 10 - Office Chaos
INT. DOBISCH'S OFFICE - DAY

It is a glass-enclosed cubicle on the twenty-first floor.
Through the glass we see another enormous layout of desks,
everybody working away. Dobisch is holding the phone in one
hand, running an electric shaver over his face with the
other.

DOBISCH
Oh, Buddy-boy. I was just about to
call you.
(shuts off electric
shaver)
I'm sorry about that mess on the
living room wall. You see, my
little friend, she kept insisting
Picasso was a bum -- so she started
to do that mural -- but I'm sure it
will wash off -- just eyebrow
pencil.
25.


BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
It's not Picasso I'm calling about.
It's the key -- to my apartment --
you were supposed to leave it under
the mat.

DOBISCH - ON PHONE

DOBISCH
I did, didn't I? I distinctly
remember bending over and putting
it there --

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Oh, I found a key there, all right -
- only it's the wrong key.

DOBISCH - ON PHONE

DOBISCH
It is?
(takes Bud's key out of
his pocket)
Well, how about that? No wonder I
couldn't get into the executive
washroom this morning.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
And I couldn't get into my
apartment -- so at four a. m. I had
to wake up the landlady and give
her a whole song and dance about
going out to mail a letter and the
door slamming shut.

DOBISCH - ON PHONE

DOBISCH
That's a shame. I'll send the key
right down. And about your
promotion --
(leafs through report on
desk)
-- I'm sending that efficiency
report right up to Mr. Sheldrake,
in Personnel.
(MORE)


(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED:
DOBISCH (CONT'D)
I wouldn't be surprised if you
heard from him before the day is
over.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Thank you, Mr. Dobisch.

He hangs up, feels his forehead. It is warm. Clipped to his
handkerchief pocket are a black fountain pen and, next to it,
a thermometer in a black case. Bud unclips the thermometer
case, unscrews the cap, shakes the thermometer out, puts it
under his tongue. He resumes work.

A messenger comes up to his desk with an interoffice
envelope.

MESSENGER
From Mr. Dobisch.

BUD
(thermometer in mouth)
Wait.

He turns away from the messenger, unties the string of the
envelope, takes his key out, puts it in a coat pocket. From a
trouser pocket, he extracts Dobisch's key to the executive
washroom, slips it discreetly into the envelope, reties it,
hands it to the messenger.

BUD (CONT’D)
(thermometer in mouth)
To Mr. Dobisch.

Puzzled by the whole procedure, the messenger leaves. Bud now
removes the thermometer from his mouth, reads it. It's worse
than he thought. He puts the thermometer back in the case,
clips it to his pocket, takes his desk calendar out of a
drawer, turns a leaf.

Under the date WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4 there is an entry in his
handwriting -- MR. VANDERHOF. Bud consults the telephone
directory again, picks up the phone, dials.
Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Bud deals with the aftermath of letting Dobisch use his apartment for a late-night rendezvous, while trying to manage work and his worsening cold.
Strengths "The scene shows the everyday chaos of Bud's life and the complications that arise from his own actions and those of his coworkers. There is a light tone to the scene that makes the humor and tension stand out."
Weaknesses "The scene mainly serves to move the plot along with minor character development. The theme of loneliness and the consequences of trying to fit in with societal norms isn't addressed in this scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This is an effective scene in terms of advancing the plot and revealing character traits. Dobisch's strange behavior and disregard for Buddy's concerns about the key to his apartment reveal him to be an untrustworthy and careless boss. Additionally, Buddy's use of a thermometer and calendar show his attention to detail and dedication to his work. However, there are a few areas for improvement. The dialogue could be tightened to eliminate unnecessary repetition and make it more concise. Additionally, there is no clear visual description of the characters, which could make it difficult for the actors and director to envision and execute the scene. Overall, a solid scene but with room for refinement.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and serves to establish some character traits and plot points. However, there are a few ways it could be improved:

1. Add more visual elements to the scene. While the glass-enclosed cubicle and enormous layout of desks are described, there could be more detail included about the setting to help the reader visualize it more fully.

2. Make the dialogue more concise and impactful. Some of the exchanges between Bud and Dobisch feel a bit repetitive and don't add much to the scene. Consider cutting down on some of the back-and-forth to make the conversation more dynamic.

3. Tighten up the pacing of the scene. While the dialogue is well-written, there are moments where the action feels a bit sluggish. Consider cutting down on some of the description (such as the thermometer being read twice) to keep the scene moving quickly.

4. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene. While the conversation between Bud and Dobisch is mildly interesting, it doesn't really move the plot forward or create any real stakes. Think about how you could heighten the tension or create more conflict in this scene to make it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 11 - Phone Calls and Rescheduling
INT. VANDERHOF'S OFFICE - DAY

This is another glass-enclosed cubicle on another floor. MR.
VANDERHOF, a Junior Chamber of Commerce type, is dictating to
an elderly secretary who sits across the desk from him.




(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED:

VANDERHOF
Dear Mr. MacIntosh --
(phone rings and he picks
it up)
Vanderhof, Public Relations. Oh,
yes, Baxter. Just a minute.
(to secretary)
All right, Miss Finch -- type up
what we got so far.
(he waits till she is out
of the office; then, into
phone)
Now what is it, Baxter?

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Look, Mr. Vanderhof -- I've got you
down here for tonight -- but I'm
going to be using the place myself -
- so I'll have to cancel.

VANDERHOF - ON PHONE

VANDERHOF
Cancel? But it's her birthday -- I
already ordered the cake --

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
I hate to disappoint you -- I mean,
many happy returns -- but not
tonight --

VANDERHOF - ON PHONE

VANDERHOF
That's not like you, Baxter. Just
the other day, at the staff
meeting, I was telling Mr.
Sheldrake what a reliable man you
were.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Thank you, Mr. Vanderhof. But I'm
sick -- I have this terrible cold --
and a fever -- and I got to go to
bed right after work.
28.


VANDERHOF - ON PHONE

VANDERHOF
Buddy-boy, that's the worst thing
you can do. If you got a cold, you
should go to a Turkish bath --
spend the night there -- sweat it
out --

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Oh, no. I'd get pneumonia -- and if
I got pneumonia, I'd be in bed for
a month -- and if I were in bed for
a month --

VANDERHOF - ON PHONE

VANDERHOF
Okay, you made your point. We'll
just have to do it next Wednesday --
that's the only night of the week I
can get away.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Wednesday -- Wednesday --
(leafing through calendar)
I got somebody penciled in -- let
me see what I can do -- I'll get
back to you.

He hangs up, riffles through the directory, finds the number,
and with a furtive look around, dials again.

BUD (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Mr. Eichelberger? Is this Mortgage
and Loan? I'd like to speak to Mr.
Eichelberger. Yes, it is urgent.

INT. EICHELBERGER'S OFFICE - DAY

Also glass-enclosed, but slightly larger than the others. MR.
EICHELBERGER, a solid citizen of about fifty, is displaying
some mortgage graphs to three associates. A fourth one has
answered the phone.




(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED:

ASSOCIATE
(holding out phone to
Eichelberger)
For you, Mel.

Eichelberger puts the charts down, takes the phone.

EIGHELBERGER
Eichelberger here -- oh, yes,
Baxter --
(a glance at his
associates; then
continues, as though it
were a business call)
What's your problem? -- Wednesday
is out? -- oh -- that throws a
little monkey wrench into my agenda
-- Thursday? No, I'm all tied up on
Thursday -- let's schedule that
meeting for Friday.

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Friday?
(checks calendar)
Let me see what I can do. I'll get
back to you.

He hangs up, consults the directory, starts to dial a number.

INT. KIRKEBY'S OFFICE - DAY

It's another of those glass-enclosed cubicles, on the
nineteenth floor. Kirkeby is talking into a dictaphone.

KIRKEBY
Premium-wise and billing-wise, we
are eighteen percent ahead of last
year, October-wise.

The phone has been ringing. Kirkeby switches off the machine,
picks up the phone.

KIRKEBY (CONT’D)
Hello? Yeah, Baxter. What's up?

BUD - ON PHONE

BUD
Instead of Friday -- could you
possibly switch to Thursday? You'd
be doing me a great favor --
30.


KIRKEBY - ON PHONE

KIRKEBY
Well -- it's all right with me,
Bud. Let me check. I'll get back to
you.

He presses down the button on the cradle, dials Operator.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Bud cancels a meeting in his boss's apartment due to his cold, while rescheduling multiple events over the phone throughout the day.
Strengths "The scene showcases clever dialogue and humor as Bud navigates multiple phone calls and scheduling conflicts. It also adds to the overall plot development by highlighting Bud's busy workday and attempts to balance personal and professional responsibilities."
Weaknesses "The setting and actions in this scene may not be visually dynamic, as most of the action takes place over the phone. The stakes of the scene are also low, with Bud mostly concerned about disappointing his colleagues."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 6

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is concise and efficiently moves the plot forward by establishing that Bud is canceling plans for the night. The dialogue is realistic and the characters are well-defined with unique voices. However, there is not much action or visual interest in the scene, as it is mostly characters speaking on the phone or in glass-enclosed cubicles. Adding some physical action or visual cues could make the scene more engaging for viewers. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more context about who Bud is and why his cancellation is important enough to warrant the multiple phone calls. Adding some exposition earlier in the script could help with this.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene could be to add more visual elements. Currently, the scene is mostly focused on dialogue, and while the conversation is important, it can become stagnant without any visual interest. Adding details about the office space, the characters' actions, or even small physical reactions to the conversation can help liven up the scene and make it more engaging for the viewer. Additionally, bringing in more character development or conflicts can add stakes to the scene and make it more memorable. For example, what if Vanderhof urgently needed Baxter to attend this event, but Baxter had personal issues that were preventing him from doing so? This would add tension and depth to the scene and make it more engrossing.



Scene 12 - Office Romance
INT. SWITCHBOARD ROOM

There is a double switchboard in the center, with nine girls
on each side, all busy as beavers. In the foreground we
recognize Sylvia, Kirkeby's date of last night.

SYLVIA
Consolidated Life -- I'll connect
you -- Consolidated Life --

The girl next to her turns and holds out a line.

SWITCHBOARD GIRL
Sylvia -- it's for you.

Sylvia plugs the call into her own switchboard.

SYLVIA
Yes? Oh, hello -- sure I got home
all right -- you owe me forty-five
cents.

KIRKEBY - ON PHONE

KIRKEBY
Okay, okay. Look, Sylvia -- instead
of Friday - could we make it
Thursday night?

SYLVIA - AT SWITCHBOARD

SYLVIA
Thursday? That's The Untouchables --
with Bob Stack.

KIRKEBY - ON PHONE

KIRKEBY
Bob WHO? -- all right, so we'll
watch it at the apartment. Big
deal.
(he hangs up, dials)
Baxter? It's okay for Thursday.
31.


INT. NINETEENTH FLOOR - DAY

Bud, at his desk, is on the phone.

BUD
Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby.
(hangs up, consults
directory, dials)
Mr. Eichelberger? It's okay for
Friday.
(hangs up, consults
directory, dials)
Mr. Vanderhof? It's okay for
Wednesday.

During this, the phone has rung at the next desk, and the
occupant, MR. MOFFETT, has picked it up. As Bud hangs up --

MOFFETT
(into phone)
All right -- I'll tell him.
(hangs up, turns to Bud)
Hey, Baxter -- that was Personnel.
Mr. Sheldrake's secretary.

BUD
Sheldrake?

MOFFETT
She's been trying to reach you for
the last twenty minutes. They want
you up stairs.

BUD
Oh!

He jumps up, stuffs the nose-spray into one pocket, a handful
of Kleenex into the other.

MOFFETT
What gives, Baxter? You getting
promoted or getting fired?

BUD
(cockily)
Care to make a small wager?

MOFFETT
I've been here twice as long as you
have --

BUD
Shall we say -- a dollar?


(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:

MOFFETT
It's a bet.

Bud snake-hips between the desks like a broken-field runner.
At the elevator, Bud presses the UP button, paces nervously.
One of the elevator doors opens, and as Bud starts inside,
the doors of the adjoining elevator open, and Fran Kubelik
sticks her head out.

FRAN
Going up?

Hearing her voice, Bud throws a quick "Excuse me" to the
other operator, exits quickly and steps into Fran's elevator.

BUD
Twenty-seven, please. And drive
carefully. You're carrying precious
cargo -- I mean, manpower-wise.

Fran shuts the doors.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY

Fran presses a button, and the elevator starts up.

FRAN
Twenty-seven.

BUD
You may not realize it, Miss
Kubelik, but I'm in the top ten --
efficiency-wise and this may be the
day -- promotion-wise.

FRAN
You're beginning to sound like Mr.
Kirkeby already.

BUD
Why not? Now that they're kicking
me upstairs --

FRAN
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
(Bud beams)
You know, you're the only one
around here who ever takes his hat
off in the elevator.

BUD
Really?



(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED:

FRAN
The characters you meet. Something
happens to men in elevators. Must
be the change of altitude -- the
blood rushes to their head, or
something -- boy, I could tell you
stories --

BUD
I'd love to hear them. Maybe we
could have lunch in the cafeteria
sometime -- or some evening, after
work --

The elevator has stopped, and Fran opens the doors.

FRAN
Twenty-seven.
Genres: ["Comedy","Romance"]

Summary Bud deals with work and his worsening cold while canceling meetings and rescheduling events throughout the day, all the while encountering Fran Kubelik in the elevator.
Strengths "The dialogue between Bud and Fran is witty and playful. The scene sets up some romantic tension between them."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't move the plot forward significantly and contains little conflict or emotional impact. "

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene seems to be functioning more as a dialogue-driven transitional sequence rather than a significant plot point. The main focus is on Bud's potential promotion and his flirtation with Fran Kubelik, with only brief mentions of the other characters. While the dialogue is witty and engaging, it doesn't quite advance the main plot or characters in any significant way. Additionally, the descriptions of the scene could benefit from more sensory details to bring the setting to life and create a more immersive experience for the reader/viewer.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more conflict or tension. Currently, the scene is mainly focused on phone conversations and mundane office interactions. Adding stakes or challenges for the characters would make the scene more engaging. For example, Sylvia could be reluctant to reschedule her date with Kirkeby and there could be a disagreement between them, or Bud could be nervous about his meeting with Sheldrake and doubt his potential promotion. Additionally, adding more sensory details and visual cues would make the scene more dynamic and immersive for the audience. Descriptions of the characters' body language, the office environment, and the elevator ride could help enhance the scene and make it more visually interesting.



Scene 13 - Bud's Cold and Fran's Advice
INT. TWENTY-SEVENTH FLOOR FOYER - DAY

It is pretty plush up here -- soft carpeting and tall
mahogany doors leading to the executive offices. The elevator
door is open, and Bud steps out.

FRAN
I hope everything goes all right.

BUD
I hope so.
(turning back)
Wouldn't you know they'd call me on
a day like this -- with my cold and
everything --
(fumbling with his tie)
How do I look?

FRAN
Fine.
(stepping out of elevator)
Wait.

She takes the carnation out of her lapel, starts to put it in
Bud's buttonhole.

BUD
Thank you. That's the first thing I
ever noticed about you -- when you
were still on the local elevator --
you always wore a flower --

The elevator buzzer is now sounding insistently. Fran steps
back inside.


(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:

FRAN
Good luck. And wipe your nose.

She shuts the doors. Bud looks after her, then takes a
Kleenex out of his pocket, and wiping his nose, crosses to a
glass door marked J. D. SHELDRAKE, DIRECTOR OF PERSONNEL. He
stashes the used Kleenex away in another pocket, enters.

INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY

It is a sedate office with a secretary and a couple of
typists. The secretary's name is MISS OLSEN. She is in her
thirties, flaxen- haired, handsome, wears harlequin glasses,
and has an incisive manner. Bud comes up to her desk.

BUD
C. C. Baxter -- Ordinary Premium
Accounting -- Mr. Sheldrake called
me.

MISS OLSEN
I called you -- that is, I tried to
call you -- for twenty minutes.

BUD
I'm sorry, I --

MISS OLSEN
Go on in.

She indicates the door leading to the inner office. Bud
squares his shoulders and starts in.
Genres: []

Summary Bud enters the plush foyer and is wished by Fran. She then grooms him and reminds him to wipe his nose. Bud nervously walks into J. D. Sheldrake's office and is reprimanded by the secretary for being late for twenty minutes. Bud then walks into the inner office.
Strengths "The scene has a significant level of conflict that keeps the audience engaged. Fran's advice to Bud humanizes the otherwise stark work environment."
Weaknesses "The scene does very little to advance the plot or develop character."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 4


Story Content

Concept: 2

Plot: 3

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 4

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 3

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 2

Dialogue: 3

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well written. The setting is established effectively through the description of the plush twenty-seventh floor foyer with its tall mahogany doors. The dialogue between Bud and Fran is also natural and helps to build their relationship. However, there are a few areas for improvement. One minor issue is the repetition of the phrase "I hope" twice in the first few lines of the scene. Another potential issue is that the dialogue between Bud and Fran could be tightened slightly to maintain a faster pace. Lastly, the use of pocket for both stashing away used Kleenex and carrying tissues may be confusing to some readers. Overall, these are small issues that do not detract from an otherwise strong scene.
Suggestions 1. Add more tension: Right now, there isn't a lot of tension in this scene. To make it more engaging, consider raising the stakes somehow. Perhaps Bud is up for a promotion and this meeting could make or break his chances. Or maybe there's a rumor going around the office and he's worried it will affect his job. Anything to add a sense of urgency to the scene.

2. Develop the characters: We don't know much about Fran or Miss Olsen beyond their physical descriptions. To make the scene more interesting, give these characters more depth. Maybe Fran and Bud have a history that is hinted at but not explained. Or maybe Miss Olsen is secretly plotting against Bud.

3. Consider the setting: While the plush office setting is described, it isn't used to its fullest potential. Perhaps there's something unique about the office that can be woven into the scene. Maybe the carpet is so soft that it muffles their footsteps, creating a tense silence. Or maybe there's a painting on the wall that catches Bud's eye and serves as an important symbol later in the film.

4. Tone: There's an opportunity to play with tone in this scene. Right now, it's straightforward and matter-of-fact. Consider injecting some humor, suspense, or drama to create a more memorable moment.



Scene 14 - Bud's Office Meeting with Sheldrake
INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY

Mr. Sheldrake is a $14,000 a year man, and rates a four-
window office. It is not quite an executive suite, but it is
several pegs above the glass cubicles of the middle echelon.
There is lots of leather, and a large desk behind which sits
MR. SHELDRAKE.

He is a substantial looking, authoritative man in his middle
forties, a pillar of his suburban community, a blood donor
and a family man. The latter is attested to by a framed
photograph showing two boys, aged 8 and 10, in military
school uniforms. As Baxter comes through the door, Sheldrake
is leafing through Dobisch's efficiency report. He looks up
at Bud through a pair of heavy-rimmed reading glasses.

SHELDRAKE
Baxter?




(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:

BUD
Yes, sir.

SHELDRAKE
(studying him)
I was sort of wondering what you
looked like. Sit down.

BUD
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

He seats himself on the very edge of the leather armchair
facing Sheldrake.

SHELDRAKE
Been hearing some very nice things
about you -- here's a report from
Mr. Dobisch -- loyal, cooperative,
resourceful --

BUD
Mr. Dobisch said that?

SHELDRAKE
And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that
several nights a week you work late
at the office -- without overtime.

BUD
(modestly)
Well, you know how it is -- things
pile up.

SHELDRAKE
Mr. Vanderhof, in Public Relations,
and Mr. Eichelberger, in Mortgage
and Loan -- they'd both like to
have you transferred to their
departments.

BUD
That's very flattering.

Sheldrake puts the report down, takes off his glasses, leans
across the desk toward Bud.

SHELDRAKE
Tell me, Baxter -- just what is it
that makes you so popular?

BUD
I don't know.



(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED: (2)

SHELDRAKE
Think.

Bud does so. For a moment, he is a picture of intense
concentration. Then --

BUD
Would you mind repeating the
question?

SHELDRAKE
Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid. I
know everything that goes on in
this building -- in every
department -- on every floor --
every day of the year.

BUD
(in a very small voice)
You do?

SHELDRAKE
(rises, starts pacing)
In 1957, we had an employee here,
name of Fowler. He was very
popular, too. Turned out he was
running a bookie joint right in the
Actuarial Department tying up the
switchboard, figuring the odds on
our I.B.M. machines -- so the day
before the Kentucky Derby, I called
in the Vice Squad and we raided the
thirteenth floor.

BUD
(worried)
The Vice Squad?

SHELDRAKE
That's right, Baxter.

BUD
What -- what's that got to do with
me? I'm not running any bookie
joint.

SHELDRAKE
What kind of joint are you running?

BUD
Sir?




(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED: (3)

SHELDRAKE
There's a certain key floating
around the office -- from Kirkeby
to Vanderhof to Eichelberger to
Dobisch -- it's the key to a
certain apartment -- and you know
who that apartment belongs to?

BUD
Who?

SHELDRAKE
Loyal, cooperative, resourceful C.
C. Baxter.

BUD
Oh.

SHELDRAKE
Are you going to deny it?

BUD
No, sir. I'm not going to deny it.
But if you'd just let me explain --

SHELDRAKE
You better.

BUD
(a deep breath)
Well, about six months ago -- I was
going to night school, taking this
course in Advanced Accounting --
and one of the guys in our
department -- he lives in Jersey --
he was going to a banquet at the
Biltmore -- his wife was meeting
him in town, and he needed
someplace to change into a tuxedo --
so I gave him the key and word
must have gotten around -- because
the next thing I knew, all sorts of
guys were suddenly going to
banquets -- and when you give the
key to one guy, you can't say no to
another and the whole thing got out
of hand -- pardon me.

He whips out the nasal-spray, administers a couple of quick
squirts up each nostril.




(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED: (4)

SHELDRAKE
Baxter, an insurance company is
founded on public trust. Any
employee who conducts himself in a
manner unbecoming --
(shifting into a new gear)
How many charter members are there
in this little club of yours?

BUD
Just those four -- out of a total
of 31,259 -- so actually, we can be
very proud of our personnel --
percentage-wise.

SHELDRAKE
That's not the point. Four rotten
apples in a barrel -- no matter how
large the barrel -- you realize
that if this ever leaked out --

BUD
Oh, it won't. Believe me. And it's
not going to happen again. From now
on, nobody is going to use my
apartment --

In his vehemence he squeezes the spray bottle, which squirts
all over the desk.

SHELDRAKE
Where is your apartment?

BUD
West 67th Street. You have no idea
what I've been going through --
with the neighbors and the landlady
and the liquor and the key --

SHELDRAKE
How do you work it with the key?

BUD
Well, usually I slip it to them in
the office and they leave it under
the mat -- but never again -- I can
promise you that --

The phone buzzer sounds, and Sheldrake picks up the phone.

SHELDRAKE
Yes, Miss Olsen.
39.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Bud gets called into his boss's office where he is grilled about the key to his apartment that has been given to several co-workers for late-night rendezvous. Sheldrake warns Bud about the importance of conducting himself in a professional manner due to the nature of the industry in which they work.
Strengths "The scene delivers insight into the workings of the insurance sector, providing the audience with a behind-the-scenes perspective. The dialogue is witty and keeps the audience entertained."
Weaknesses "The scene is not particularly action-packed, and some viewers may find it slow-paced."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys important information about the characters and their relationships. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, and the tension between Baxter and Sheldrake builds effectively throughout the scene.

One potential issue with the scene, however, is the lack of action or movement. Most of the scene takes place with the characters sitting and talking in Sheldrake's office, which can start to feel static or boring. One way to fix this would be to incorporate more movement or action into the scene. For example, Baxter could nervously fidget with something on Sheldrake's desk or Sheldrake could pace around the room as he interrogates Baxter.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from some more detailed descriptions of the characters and their surroundings. While we do get some sense of what Sheldrake's office looks like, more vivid descriptions could help to fully immerse the audience in the scene.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene with well-crafted dialogue and engaging character dynamics.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest the following improvements to this scene:

1. Show, don't tell: Instead of describing Mr. Sheldrake's office, show it visually. Use camera angles and props to give the audience a sense of the space. This will help to create a more immersive experience for the audience.

2. Build tension: As the scene progresses, increase the tension between Sheldrake and Baxter. Use camera angles, music, and lighting to create a sense of unease and apprehension.

3. Character development: While the scene does provide some information about Mr. Sheldrake and Baxter, it could benefit from some additional character development. Add more dialogue and actions that reveal their personalities and motivations.

4. Subtext: Use subtext to add depth and complexity to the scene. What is really going on beneath the surface? What are the characters really thinking and feeling? By adding subtext, you can create a more nuanced and interesting scene.

5. Conflict: Every scene should have some form of conflict. Add more conflict to this scene to make it more engaging. This could take the form of an argument, a power struggle, or even a physical altercation. Whatever form it takes, conflict will make the scene more interesting and compelling for the audience.



Scene 15 - The Secret Rendezvous
INT. SHELDRAKE'S ANTEROOM - DAY

Miss Olsen is on the phone.

MISS OLSEN
Mrs. Sheldrake returning your call -
- on two --


She presses a button down, starts to hang the phone up,
glances around to see if the typists are watching, then
raises the receiver to her ear and eavesdrops on the
conversation.

INT. SHELDRAKE'S OFFICE - DAY

Sheldrake is talking into the phone.

SHELDRAKE
Yes, dear -- I called you earlier --
where were you? Oh, you took Tommy
to the dentist --

During this, Bud has risen from his chair, started inching
toward the door.

SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
(turning to him)
Where are you going, Baxter?

BUD
Well, I don't want to intrude --
and I thought -- since it's all
straightened out anyway --

SHELDRAKE
I'm not through with you yet.

BUD
Yes, sir.

SHELDRAKE
(into phone)
The reason I called is -- I won't
be home for dinner tonight. The
branch manager from Kansas City is
in town -- I'm taking him to the
theatre Music Man, what else? No,
don't wait up for me -- 'bye,
darling.
(hangs up, turns to Bud)
Tell me something, Baxter -- have
you seen Music Man?


(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED:

BUD
Not yet. But I hear it's one swell
show.

SHELDRAKE
How would you like to go tonight?

BUD
You mean -- you and me? I thought
you were taking the branch manager
from Kansas City --

SHELDRAKE
I made other plans. You can have
both tickets.

BUD
Well, that's very kind of you --
only I'm not feeling well -- you
see, I have this cold -- and I
thought I'd go straight home.

SHELDRAKE
Baxter, you're not reading me. I
told you I have plans.

BUD
So do I -- I'm going to take four
aspirins and get into bed -- so you
better give the tickets to somebody
else --

SHELDRAKE
I'm not just giving those tickets,
Baxter -- I want to swap them.

BUD
Swap them? For what?

Sheldrake picks up the Dobisch reports, puts on his glasses,
turns a page.

SHELDRAKE
It also says here -- that you are
alert, astute, and quite
imaginative --

BUD
Oh?
(the dawn is breaking)
Oh!




(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED: (2)

He reaches into his coat pocket, fishes out a handful of
Kleenex, and then finally the key to his apartment. He holds
it up.

BUD (CONT’D)
This?

SHELDRAKE
That's good thinking, Baxter. Next
month there's going to be a shift
in personnel around here -- and as
far as I'm concerned, you're
executive material.

BUD
I am?

SHELDRAKE
Now put down the key --
(pushing a pad toward him)
-- and put down the address.

Bud lays the key on the desk, unclips what he thinks is his
fountain pen, uncaps it, starts writing on the pad.

BUD
It's on the second floor - my name
is not on the door -- it just says -

Suddenly he realizes that he has been trying to write the
address with the thermometer.

BUD (CONT’D)
Oh -- terribly sorry. It's that
cold --

SHELDRAKE
Relax, Baxter.

BUD
Thank you, sir.

He has replaced the thermometer with the fountain pen, and is
scribbling the address.

BUD (CONT’D)
You'll be careful with the record
player, won't you? And about the
liquor -- I ordered some this
morning -- but I'm not sure when
they'll deliver it --




(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED: (3)

He has finished writing the address, shoves the pad over to
Sheldrake.

SHELDRAKE
Now remember, Baxter -- this is
going to be our little secret.

BUD
Yes, of course.

SHELDRAKE
You know how people talk.

BUD
Oh, you don't have to worry --

SHELDRAKE
Not that I have anything to hide.

BUD
Oh, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway,
it's none of my business -- four
apples, five apples -- what's the
difference -- percentage-wise?

SHELDRAKE
(holding out the tickets)
Here you are, Baxter. Have a nice
time.

BUD
You too, sir.

Clutching the tickets, he backs out of the office.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Bud gets grilled by Sheldrake about his key, but manages to secure executive-level, redeemable perks in a calculated exchange.
Strengths "cleverly written dialogue, calculated exchange between characters"
Weaknesses "lack of emotional depth, somewhat predictable"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue is natural and revealing, providing insight into the characters and the plot. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the stage directions are minimal, leaving room for confusion or ambiguity in the scene's execution. For example, it is not clear how far Bud has moved toward the door or how Miss Olsen is eavesdropping on the phone call. Adding more specific details would make the scene easier to visualize and understand.

Secondly, the scene could benefit from a clearer sense of tone. While there are moments of humor and tension, it is not always clear how the audience should feel. Clarifying the tone would help the scene feel more cohesive and impactful.

Finally, the scene could potentially benefit from more visual storytelling. While the dialogue is strong, relying solely on dialogue can make the scene feel static. Adding more visual cues or actions would help keep the scene dynamic and engaging.

Overall, this is a strong scene with room for improvement in terms of stage directions, tone, and visual storytelling.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Show more of Bud's internal conflict: While we see Bud inching towards the door, it would be helpful to see more of his internal conflict. This could be achieved through voiceover or having him hesitate to leave, indicating his reluctance to be part of the dishonesty.

2. Build more tension: Currently, there is no real tension in the scene. Adding stakes or consequences for Bud's actions would increase the dramatic tension and keep the audience engaged.

3. Use more visual cues: The scene is very dialogue-heavy and could benefit from more visual cues, such as close-ups on the phone or the Dobisch reports. This would help break up the scene and make it more visually interesting.

4. Develop the characters: Currently, Miss Olsen and Sheldrake are very one-dimensional characters. Developing their personalities and motivations would make the scene more engaging and improve the overall story.

5. Provide more context: It's unclear what the overall goal of the scene is and how it fits into the larger story. Providing more context and making sure the scene serves a specific purpose will help keep the audience invested in the story.



Scene 16 - Missed Connection
INT. LOBBY INSURANCE BUILDING - EVENING

It is about 6:30, and the building has pretty well emptied
out by now. Bud, in raincoat and hat, is leaning against one
of the marble pillars beyond the elevators. His raincoat is
unbuttoned, and Fran's carnation is still in his lapel. He is
looking off expectantly toward a door marked EMPLOYEES'

LOUNGE - WOMEN.

Some of the female employees are emerging, dressed for the
street. Among them are Sylvia and her colleague from the
switchboard.




(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED:

SYLVIA
So I figure, a man in his position,
he's going to take me to 21 and El
Morocco -- instead, he takes me to
Hamburg Heaven and some schnook's
apartment --

They pass Bud without paying any attention to him. Bud has
heard the crack, and looks after Sylvia, a little hurt. Then
he glances back toward the door of the lounge, as it opens
and Fran Kubelik comes out. She is wearing a wool coat over a
street dress, no hat.

FRAN
(passing Bud)
Good night.

BUD
(casually)
Good night.

She is about three paces beyond him when he suddenly realizes
who it is.

BUD (CONT’D)
Oh -- Miss Kubelik.
(he rushes after her,
taking off his hat)
I've been waiting for you.

FRAN
You have?

BUD
I almost didn't recognize you --
this is the first time I've ever
seen you in civilian clothes.

FRAN
How'd you make out on the twenty-
seventh floor?

BUD
Great. Look -- have you seen The
Music Man?

FRAN
No.

BUD
Would you like to?




(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED: (2)

FRAN
Sure.

BUD
I thought maybe we could have a
bite to eat first -- and then --

FRAN
You mean tonight?

BUD
Yeah.

FRAN
I'm sorry, but I can't tonight. I'm
meeting somebody.

BUD
Oh.
(a beat)
You mean -- like a girl-friend?

FRAN
No. Like a man.

She proceeds across the lobby toward the street entrance, Bud
following her.

BUD
I wasn't trying to be personal --
it's just that the fellows in the
office were -- whether you
wondering about you ever --

FRAN
Just tell 'em -- now and then.

BUD
This date -- is it just a date --
or is it something serious?

FRAN
It used to be serious -- at least I
was -- but he wasn't -- so the
whole thing is more or less kaputt.

BUD
Well, in that case, couldn't you?

FRAN
I'm afraid not. I promised to have
a drink with him -- he's been
calling me all week --


(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED: (3)

BUD
Oh, I understand.

He follows her out through the revolving doors.
Genres: ["romance","drama"]

Summary Bud runs into Fran in the lobby and tries to make plans with her, but she has a date with another man.
Strengths
  • Clear character motivations
  • Tasteful romantic tension
  • Clever dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot development
  • Somewhat predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with strong dialogue that effectively moves the story forward. The scene sets up a potential romantic plotline between Bud and Fran, with Bud clearly interested in pursuing her and Fran slightly hesitant but open to the idea. The contrast between Sylvia's negative experiences with men and Fran's seemingly positive plans for the evening adds depth to the scene.

One suggestion for improvement would be to incorporate more visual descriptions and actions. The scene is very dialogue-heavy, with very little physical movement or description beyond the characters' clothing. Incorporating more physical details, such as the lighting in the lobby or the sound of rain outside, could help to create a more atmospheric and immersive setting for the audience. Additionally, incorporating more physical actions for the characters, such as Fran adjusting her coat or Bud nervously tapping his foot, could add depth to the characters and their emotions.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations. However, here are a few suggestions:

1. Add some description to the setting: While the script notes that they are in the lobby of an insurance building, there is no sensory description of the space. Consider adding details about the lighting, the smell, the sound of footsteps, etc. This could help create a more vivid image and also convey the mood of the scene.

2. Create more tension: While there is some tension between Bud and Fran, it could be heightened by adding more obstacles to their conversation. For example, what if the lobby is crowded and they have to maneuver around people to talk? Or what if someone is watching them and they have to be discreet? Adding more tension could help make the scene more engaging.

3. Add some backstory: While it's clear that Bud has feelings for Fran, we don't know much about their relationship beyond their interactions in this scene. Consider adding some information about how they met, why Bud is interested in her, and what Fran thinks of him. This could help deepen their characters and make the audience more invested in their relationship.



Scene 17 - Showtime and Bonding
EXT. INSURANCE BUILDING - EVENING

Fran and Bud come out.

BUD
(putting his hat on)
Well, it was just an idea -- I hate
to see a ticket go to waste --

FRAN
(stops)
What time does the show go on?

BUD
Eight-thirty.

FRAN
(looks at her watch)
Well -- I could meet you at the
theatre -- if that's all right.

BUD
All right? That's wonderful! It's
the Majestic -- 44th Street.

FRAN
Meet you in the lobby. Okay?

Bud nods happily, falls in beside her as she starts down the
street.

BUD
You know, I felt so lousy this
morning -- a hundred and one fever -
- then my promotion came up -- now
you and I -- eleventh row center --
and you said I should have stayed
in bed.

FRAN
How is your cold?

BUD
(high as a kite)
What cold? And after the show, we
could go out on the town --
(does a little cha cha
step)
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED:
BUD (CONT'D)
I've been taking from Arthur
Murray.

FRAN
So I see.

BUD
They got a great little band at El
Chico, in the Village -- it's
practically around the corner from
where you live.

FRAN
Sounds good.
(a sudden thought)
How do you know where I live?

BUD
Oh, I even know who you live with --
your sister and brother-in-law -- I
know when you were born -- and
where -- I know all sorts of things
about you.

FRAN
How come?

BUD
A couple of months ago I looked up
your card in the group insurance
file.

FRAN
Oh.

BUD
I know your height, your weight and
your Social Security number -- you
had mumps, you had measles, and you
had your appendix out.

They have now reached the corner, and Fran stops.

FRAN
Well, don't tell the fellows in the
office about the appendix. They may
get the wrong idea how you found
out.
(turning the corner)
'Bye.




(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED: (2)

BUD
(calling after her)
Eight-thirty!

He watches her walk away, an idiot grin on his face. Despite
what he told Fran, his nose is stuffed up, so he takes out
the anti-histamine and sprays his nostrils. Then, carried
away, he squirts some of the stuff on the carnation in his
buttonhole, moves off in the opposite direction.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - EVENING

Fran comes hurrying along the street. She is late. Her
objective is a small Chinese restaurant, with a neon sign
reading THE RICKSHAW - COCKTAILS - CANTONESE FOOD. She starts
down a flight of steps leading to the entrance.
Genres: ["Romantic Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Bud and Fran make plans to go to the theater for a show and bond over their personal details. Bud is high on his promotion and excited about spending time with Fran.
Strengths "The chemistry between Bud and Fran is palpable and the light-hearted tone of the scene is enjoyable."
Weaknesses "The scene does not significantly move the plot forward and the theme is not strong."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique This scene is a good example of dialogue-driven storytelling. The main characters, Fran and Bud, are introduced and revealed, mainly, through their conversation, rather than through their actions and surroundings.

The scene sets up the potential for a romantic relationship between Fran and Bud as they make plans to see a show together. The dialogue is natural and witty, and the scene is playful. However, it does not seem to advance the plot of the story much beyond setting up a potential romantic conflict.

Additionally, the use of "high as a kite" when describing Bud's excitement for the evening feels out of character and out of place.

Overall, the scene is nicely crafted but could benefit from pushing the story forward, rather than just setting up potential character relationships.
Suggestions First and foremost, there needs to be a clear objective for this scene and for the characters. Right now, the scene feels like it's simply a conversation between Fran and Bud with no real purpose. It's important to have every scene move the story forward and contribute to the overall plot.

Secondly, the dialogue could use some more depth and substance. The conversation between Fran and Bud is quite mundane and doesn't reveal much about their characters or the story. Consider adding more conflict or tension to their conversation to make it more interesting and engaging for the audience.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from some visual details and action to make it more dynamic. Rather than just having the characters stand and talk, consider adding some movement or blocking to the scene to make it more visually interesting.

Finally, consider tying this scene back to the larger story. Is there something significant that happens at the theater or the Chinese restaurant that is important to the plot? If not, the scene may not be necessary and could be cut to streamline the story.



Scene 18 - Fran and Sheldrake at the Chinese Restaurant
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - EVENING

The bar is a long, narrow, dimly-lit room with booths along
one side. Beyond a bamboo curtain is the main dining room,
which does not concern us. The place is decorated in Early
Beachcomber style rattan, fish-nets, conch-shells, etc. The
help is Chinese.

At this early hour, there are only half a dozen customers in
the place -- all at the bar except for one man, sitting in
the last booth with his back toward camera. At a piano, a
Chinese member of Local 808 is improvising mood music.

Fran comes through the door, and without looking around,
heads straight for the last booth. The bartender nods to her -
- they know her there. As she passes the piano player, he
gives her a big smile, segues into JEALOUS LOVER. Fran comes
up to the man sitting in the last booth.

FRAN
(a wistful smile)
Good evening, Mr. Sheldrake.
Sheldrake, for that's who it is,
looks around nervously to make sure
no one has heard her.

SHELDRAKE
Please, Fran -- not so loud.
(he gets up)

FRAN
Still afraid somebody may see us
together?




(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED:

SHELDRAKE
(reaching for her coat)
Let me take that.

FRAN
No, Jeff. I can't stay very long.
(sits opposite him, with
her coat on)
Can I have a frozen daiquiri?

SHELDRAKE
It's on the way.
(sits down)
I see you went ahead and cut your
hair.

FRAN
That's right.

SHELDRAKE
You know I liked it better long.

FRAN
Yes, I know. You want a lock to
carry in your wallet?

A waiter comes up with a tray: two daiquiris, fried shrimp,
eggrolls, and a bowl of sauce.

WAITER
(showing all his teeth)
Evening, lady. Nice see you again.

FRAN
Thank you.

The waiter has set everything on the table, leaves.

SHELDRAKE
How long has it been -- a month?

FRAN
Six weeks. But who's counting?

SHELDRAKE
I missed you, Fran.

FRAN
Like old times. Same booth, same
song --

SHELDRAKE
It's been hell.


(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED: (2)

FRAN
(dipping shrimp)
-- same sauce -- sweet and sour.

SHELDRAKE
You don't know what it's like --
standing next to you in that
elevator, day after day -- Good
morning, Miss Kubelik -- Good
night, Mr. Sheldrake -- I'm still
crazy about you, Fran.

FRAN
(avoiding his eyes)
Let's not start on that again, Jeff
-- please. I'm just beginning to
get over it.

SHELDRAKE
I don't believe you.

FRAN
Look, Jeff -- we had two wonderful
months this summer -- and that was
it. Happens all the time -- the
wife and kids go away to the
country, and the boss has a fling
with the secretary or the
manicurist -- or the elevator girl.
Comes September, the picnic is over
-- goodbye. The kids go back to
school, the boss goes back to the
wife, and the girl --
(she is barely able to
control herself)
They don't make these shrimp like
they used to.

SHELDRAKE
I never said goodbye, Fran.

FRAN
(not listening)
For a while there, you try kidding
yourself that you're going with an
unmarried man. Then one day he
keeps looking at his watch, and
asks you if there's any lipstick
showing, then rushes off to catch
the seven-fourteen to White Plains.
(MORE)




(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED: (3)
FRAN (CONT'D)
So you fix yourself a cup of
instant coffee -- and you sit there
by yourself -- and you think -- and
it all begins to look so ugly --


There are tears in her eyes. She breaks off, downs what's
left of the daiquiri.

SHELDRAKE
How do you think I felt -- riding
home on that seven-fourteen train?

FRAN
Why do you keep calling me, Jeff?
What do you want from me?

SHELDRAKE
(taking her hand)
I want you back, Fran.

FRAN
(withdrawing her hand)
Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake -- I'm full
up. You'll have to take the next
elevator.

SHELDRAKE
You're not giving me a chance,
Fran. I asked you to meet me
because -- I have something to tell
you.

FRAN
Go ahead -- tell me.

SHELDRAKE
(a glance around)
Not here, Fran. Can't we go some
place else?

FRAN
No. I have a date at eight-thirty.

SHELDRAKE
Important?

FRAN
Not very -- but I'm going to be
there anyway.




(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED: (4)

She takes out an inexpensive square compact with a fleur de
lis pattern on it, opens it, starts to fix her face. The
waiter comes up with a couple of menus.

WAITER
You ready order dinner now?

FRAN
No. No dinner.

SHELDRAKE
Bring us two more drinks.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Romance","Drama"]

Summary Fran meets with Sheldrake at a Chinese restaurant, where they discuss their past relationship and Sheldrake's desire to be with Fran again despite being married.
Strengths "Strong character development, emotional depth, realistic dialogue."
Weaknesses "Slow pace, lack of action or plot development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written. The description of the setting is visually descriptive and sets a clear mood. The dialogue is natural and engaging, with both characters revealing their motivations and feelings in a believable way. However, it could benefit from some more action or movement, as the scene is largely just two characters talking in a booth. There could also be more use of subtext and nonverbal communication to add more tension and depth to the situation.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Give more context to the characters and their relationship. The scene jumps right into dialogue without any setup, so it's hard to understand the stakes or history between Fran and Sheldrake. Adding a brief introduction or backstory could help the audience connect with them.

2. Create more visual interest in the setting. While the description of the restaurant is detailed, there's not much action happening within it. Adding some movement, such as a server dropping a dish or a group of rowdy customers at the bar, could help make the scene more dynamic.

3. Vary the dialogue. The conversation between Fran and Sheldrake is very one-sided, with Fran doing most of the talking. Adding more back-and-forth, interruptions, or changes in tone could make the scene more engaging.

4. Show, don't tell. Fran's monologue about the end of the affair feels a bit on-the-nose. It might be more effective to convey her emotions through her actions or expressions, rather than having her spell it out in dialogue.

5. Build tension. The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal, which makes it feel somewhat aimless. Adding in a specific objective, such as Sheldrake trying to convince Fran to give him another chance, could raise the stakes and make the scene more compelling.



Scene 19 - Past Love Rekindled
EXT. MAJESTIC THEATRE - EVENING

It is 8:25, and there is the usual hectic to-do -- taxis
pulling up, people milling around the sidewalk and crowding
into the lobby. In the middle of this melee, buffeted by the
throng, stands Bud, in raincoat and hat, looking anxiously
for Fran.

CUT TO:

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - EVENING

Fran and Sheldrake, in the booth, are working on the second
round of drinks.

SHELDRAKE
Fran -- remember that last weekend
we had?

FRAN
(wryly)
Do I. That leaky little boat you
rented -- and me in a black
negligee and a life preserver --

SHELDRAKE
Remember what we talked about?

FRAN
We talked about a lot of things.

SHELDRAKE
I mean -- about my getting a
divorce.

FRAN
We didn't talk about it -- you did.



(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED:

SHELDRAKE
You didn't really believe me, did
you?

FRAN
(shrugging)
They got it an a long playing
record now - Music to String Her
Along By. My wife doesn't
understand me -- We haven't gotten
along for years -- You're the best
thing that ever happened to me --

SHELDRAKE
That's enough, Fran.

FRAN
(going right on)
Just trust me, baby -- we'll work
it out somehow --

SHELDRAKE
You're not being funny.

FRAN
I wasn't trying.

SHELDRAKE
If you'll just listen to me for a
minute --

FRAN
Okay. I'm sorry.

SHELDRAKE
I saw my lawyer this morning -- I
wanted his advice -- about the
best way to handle it --

FRAN
Handle what?

SHELDRAKE
What do you think?

FRAN
(looking at him for a long
moment - then)
Let's get something straight, Jeff -
- I never asked you to leave your
wife.




(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED: (2)

SHELDRAKE
Of course not. You had nothing to
do with it.

FRAN
(her eyes misting up
again)
Are you sure that's what you want?

SHELDRAKE
I'm sure. If you'll just tell me
that you still love me --

FRAN
(softly)
You know I do.

SHELDRAKE
Fran --

He takes her hand, kisses it. The bar has been filling up,
and now two couples are seating themselves in a nearby booth.
One of the women is Miss Olsen.

FRAN
(pulling her hand away
gently)
Jeff -- darling --

She indicates the other customers. Sheldrake glances over his
shoulder.

SHELDRAKE
It is crowding up. Let's get out of
here.

They rise. Sheldrake leaves some money on the table, leads
Fran toward the entrance. As they pass Miss Olsen's booth,
she turns around slowly, and putting on her glasses, looks
after them.

Sheldrake slips a bill to the piano player, who gives them a
big smile, slides into JEALOUS LOVER again. Retrieving his
hat and coat from the checkroom girl, Sheldrake steers Fran
through the door. Miss Olsen watches them with a cold smile.

EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - EVENING

Fran and Sheldrake come up the steps.

SHELDRAKE
(to a passing cab)
Taxi!


(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:

It passes without stopping.

FRAN
I have that date -- remember?

SHELDRAKE
I love you -- remember?

Another taxi approaches. Sheldrake gives a shrill whistle,
and it pulls up. He opens the door.

FRAN
Where are we going, Jeff? Not back
to that leaky boat --

SHELDRAKE
I promise.

He helps her into the cab, takes out of his coat pocket the
page from the pad on which Bud wrote the address of the
apartment.

SHELDRAKE (CONT’D)
(to cab driver)
West Sixty-Seventh.

He gets in beside Fran, shuts the door. As the cab pulls
away, through the rear window the two can be seen kissing.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Sheldrake meets with Fran at a Chinese restaurant to discuss his desire to leave his wife and be with Fran again. Fran is hesitant and tells him that she never asked him to leave his wife. They leave the restaurant and share a cab, kissing as the scene ends.
Strengths "Strong emotional tension between the characters, well-written dialogue that conveys their conflicting desires."
Weaknesses "There is not much action in this scene, which may make it less visually interesting to some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique The scene is well-written and effectively establishes the contrast between the busy and crowded scene outside the theater and the intimacy of the conversation between Fran and Sheldrake in the restaurant. The dialogue is natural, and the tension in their relationship is conveyed through their words and actions. The use of Miss Olsen as an observer adds an element of mystery and intrigue. Overall, the scene effectively advances the plot and character development.
Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. The introduction of characters could be clearer. It's not immediately clear who Bud and Fran are, and it takes a bit of context from the rest of the script to figure it out.

2. The dialogue between Fran and Sheldrake feels a bit cliché and predictable. The audience can probably guess where this conversation is going from the start, and there's not much surprising or interesting about it.

3. The scene lacks visual specificity. There's a lot mentioned about the location and the people around the characters, but not much is described in detail. Adding more specific details can make the scene feel more alive and immersive.

To improve the scene, here are some suggestions:

1. Consider introducing Bud and Fran in a way that makes it clear who they are and how they relate to each other. You could show them exchanging glances or saying each other's names, for example.

2. Try to make the dialogue between Fran and Sheldrake more unique and specific to their characters. What if they discussed something unexpected, or had a disagreement that revealed a new side to their relationship? Adding more nuance and complexity to the scene can make it more engaging and memorable.

3. Use description to bring the setting to life. What do the people around the characters look like, sound like, and smell like? What is the lighting like, and how does it affect the mood? By adding these kinds of details, you can immerse the audience in the scene and make it feel more real.



Scene 20